ByKat Hours Updated
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Coffee Break – Spymid Pumps

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Stuart Weitzman SpymidThere are a few gems in the 6pm Stuart Weitzman sale today — take, for example, these classic pumps with an oh-so-tiny peep toe.* These babies are 70% off and available in red and black — they were $335 but are now marked to $102. (Meanwhile, over at the Stuart Weitzman online shop, there is tons of stuff marked 50% off…) Stuart Weitzman Spymid (L-3) P.S. I have finally finished updating The Corporette Guide to Comfortable Heels after our latest discussions — please swing by and check it out (and if you have any great insights on the topic, please comment on the page!)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

246 Comments

  1. I posted earlier today about being fatigued and unmotivated and thinking it was possibly related to the pill. I went to see my doctor and besides ordering a blood test, he suggested I possibly speak to someone and recommended a therapist… I have such a mental block about this, even though it could potentially really help. Any suggestions on how I can just even make the call?

    1. Pretend you’re doing it for someone else. If your best friend or spouse or sibling presented you with the situation you’re in, I’m sure you’d encourage them to call and make an appointment. This is such a good step!!! Therapy is the greatest (as I’m sure everyone else will echo)!! That being said, if you have a serious aversion to therapy, you might want to try making an appointment with a psychiatrist, and possibly consider starting meds. Some women on here have mentioned how difficult it was for them to make that first call, and that being on meds for some time first enabled them to move past their hesitation. HUGS.

    2. FWIW, I thought making the call was the worst, hardest part. Once I had the impetus to actually GO, it was fine. I like e_pontellier’s suggestion about pretending that you’re doing it for someone else.

    3. Would it be easier if you could send an email first? I HATE the phone and procrastinate horribly for anything related to it. Would it help if you just sent an email asking about general information (e.g., is the person seeing new people, does s/he take insurance, etc.), which wouldn’t actually mean you were making an appointment for yourself?

      2. Yeah, I had a hard time doing this at first and found a therapist with a great, comprehensive website and sent her an email first. Now I love her and tell EVERYONE how great she is! It was just a question of getting over that initial mental block.

    4. When I went through a rough period, I kept thinking that I should talk with a therapist, but I’d instantly talk myself out of it. “I’m really sad. Why are you sad? You shouldn’t be. You have a job. Lots of people want a job. But when I leave at the end of the day, I feel depleted and defeated. Yes, but you also have a paycheck.” And on and on went my internal dialogue about work, life, family and a general funk, and I talked myself out of calling for weeks.

      I’m glad I called, liked the lady I met with and honestly, after just a few meetings, I felt I had some skills needed to deal with the issues that were shaking me.

      Perhaps look at this as something you owe to yourself. You deserve to feel better, more in control of your emotions and less blue. Have you checked out the therapist recommended to you online? Perhaps you can read a bio or, as other commenters suggest, e-mail to ask some questions. In the meantime, thinking of you. :)

      1. OP here. This is exactly what I’m feeling – I’m feeling down and have been for a while but there’s nothing wrong with me, everything is going relatively well, but I feel the same way at the end of the day as you did.

        Thank you for saying this. This helped me make the call and I made an appointment for next week. I’m hopeful that part of the way I’m feeling is related to some metabolic deficiency that can easily be fixed but maybe spending an hour chatting with someone isn’t the worst idea ever.

        1. Yay! I’m so glad you called (and that I’m not the only one with the crazy internal dialogue). My hope is that you will find someone helpful and that combined with any sort of metabolic issues that you might find & treat, you’ll start feeling like yourself again soon. :)

  2. Ladies…do any of you have any insights into women’s networking/affinity groups in large firms?

    My firm has one currently, but it is somewhat unorganized and ineffective. I find that it is out there just for political reasons (i.e. – to say that we have one to the public) and that many of the women (and men) at the firm don’t see the value in creating a strong network of women attorneys within the firm.

    I think that this group is extremely valuable and want to help build it up. Any ideas? What have you found to be good/bad about the women’s groups at your firm?

    1. In my opinion, I think you hit on the biggest issue with women’s affinity groups at big firms — they are created to say the firm as one (generally for marketing purposes) and then no one really knows what to do with it.

      1. My firm actually has a great women’s group. It’s the first good one I’ve seen. It’s led by a woman partner who is very much a go-getter and takes it seriously. I don’t know if I would have put my neck out for it as an associate.

        This is a hard question because I think my firm already has a great culture that would embrace this type of thing. We have lots of female partners, and lots who have made it after taking maternity leave. The thing is that I don’t think a group like this will *cause* the culture to change; it’s more of an indication that the good culture is already there. (I know, I’m really really lucky, particularly because this is a big firm.)

        One of the things that could make it a good pitch is that we do big women’s events where we invite all of the female clients, so it’s a great business development opportunity. The clients really love those events because we really make them fun and have interesting, engaging speakers (i.e., former cabinet members talking about pressing issues of the day). And it makes it more valuable for the higher-up males in the firm, not just fluff. However, they put a bunch of money towards it, so you have to have commitment.

        When we’re not doing things with clients, we have more informal happy hours and dinners with just the female lawyers. Again, the firm pays for it, and there has to be buy in, so to speak.

    2. Can you articulate clearly and succintly why this is important? I’ve never seen the value in these groups and typically see them as a PR ploy. But if you could tell me why this was important, I’d be more likely to spend time and effort on it. (Fwiw, I just never find formalized mentoring/networking programs to be valuable and have always found them to be more check-the-box for NALP forms etc. than anything actually useful.)

        1. Huh. I’m white so I can’t speak to the race element, but it’s never occurred to me to wonder whether I’m entitled to be somewhere that I’m entitled to be. I also have a big ego and am confident to a fault, so there’s that. Still, I doubt a firm women’s group would do much in this area. Most cities have a women’s bar — I’d think that would be a better place to go for the kind of support you’re looking for. Also, I don’t come from a very Junior League-y part of the country (didn’t even know what it was until I moved south of the Mason-Dixon) but I understand that most are now a fair mix of professional women and SAHMs so that might be another place to look for a good women-only environment. Going outside your firm would also help prevent the stigma of spearheading a “fluffy” committee, or alienating anyone (at my firm, an extremely powerful partner used to do a women’s only dinner at her house every year, which gave all the attendees a chance for significant face time with this woman — some men, in my opinion fairly, objected to the women getting special access to a partner of this stature).

        2. To provide a different perspective from TBKs, I’m a young Latina female working in a mostly white older male environment. I didn’t believe in these organizations very much before my current workplace, but now I can see how it’s so much easier to connect when people look like you (versus trying to connect / prove you belong when you stick out)

    3. We had one at our firm, but then most of the women left the firm in the last six months, sadly, so it imploded. I guess if the purpose of the group was retention of women then it was a horrible failure. I think the main thing I would like to get out of a group like that is to find a female mentor, and it could be someone in a different group with whom I wouldn’t necessarily get to connect without such a group. But again, I didn’t find a mentor.

      1. I’m hugely skeptical of anyone finding mentors through these kinds of programs, even more so if you’re in different groups. I really feel mentoring relationships need to be organic. That’s not to say that you can’t increase the chances of a relationship forming — by volunteering for cases with women you admire, for example, or by getting involved in (actually important and well-regarded) firm committees that have partners and associates — but setting up a monthly lunch with the idea that these close and long-lasting relationships will materialize seems unlikely to me. If you’re looking for a mentor, see if anyone you admire is writing an article. The work isn’t billable and partners love essentially free help.

        1. +1 “skeptical of anyone finding mentors”

          I have a few male friends from business school who’ve all tried their respective firms’ “mentor/mentee” programs, and all found them to be useless. In the case of the mentoring, it’s just that sometimes, people aren’t going to click or their current jobs/experiences don’t line up well. This aspect can happen to any mentoring program, and I don’t think this aspect has anything to do with gender.

        2. Yeah, I agree, but I so wish I could find a female (senior) role model. The (vanishingly few) female partners in our firm aren’t necessarily people I would click with or want to emulate.

    4. So, we have one, and I actually really like it. Maybe it is because they usually limit the lunches by class or something–so you have a much more intimate group. I have also separately sought out female partners as mentors. We also have cocktail events.

    5. eh, I’d be careful spearheading this type of a group depending on your firm. NGDGTCO and similar warn of committing to the perceived “fluffy” committee – even though it’s probably not – similar to serving on the summer associate recruiting committee as opposed to the compensation committee. And like TBK, I haven’t found forced “let’s support each other and be mentors” periodic meetings to be very effective. Maybe that’s why it’s not really an active group at your firm? What do you want to improve?

      2. Isn’t it a vicious cycle though? Its fluffy because no one has invested in it enough to make the events worthile, and vice versa

        1. I’d argue that anything that doesn’t involve more money in the firm’s pockets equals fluffy. That pretty much goes to all non-billable work except for management and certain high level client development.

      1. It’s really disheartening to hear this BS still goes on. When I was a new associate almost 36 years ago, I met first 1 woman at a real estate closing, then a few months later, another, and when I met a third, I started monthly lunches with them. Within 2 years, I had a group of 30 women real estate lawyers. Whenever I left for my monthly meetings, the male lawyers would cackle “there goes Miri to her little ladies’ lunch.” They could never equate it with any of their networking or other worthwhile organizations. Why is it still seen as fluff? The relationships that are formed are the basis for trust and referrals. My group kept meeting for several years and grew to over 70 members. Eventually, I couldn’t afford the mailing [pre-email] and stopped maintaining it.

    7. I work in a technical field and I find that while the women’s groups in my company are designed to promote women in science and engineering, most of the women in the groups aren’t actually in technical roles and a lot of the women who manage technical groups are too busy to attend. These groups are good for meeting and networking with more women in the company, but unfortunately I haven’t had much success networking with women who work in my desired career path.

      1. I should add that I think the most helpful things with these groups are having the members share what they do, what their career goals are, etc, and offering each other advice on what they can do to achieve them – whether it’s tips on how promotions work or helping others connect with the right mentor (male or female, part of the program or not).

    8. I was involved with my firm’s women’s affinity group and it was a very good experience. I basically used it as an opportunity to do the kinds of training programs that I wanted to get — everything from networking and client development to oral presentation skills. It raised my profile in the firm, put me in line for other assignments that brought me into direct interaction with powerful partners, and gave me a chance to get to know partners from other specialties. I was very glad to have done it. I think it can be tricky for the reasons others have indicated above, but for me, it was a win-win experience.

  3. I desperately need a haircut. I want to spend less than $100 (ideally, closer to $50 but I know that’s unrealistic). Any recommendations? I’ll go anywhere below 14th street in Manhattan or in Brooklyn Heights. Thanks!

    1. When I was a young lass in undergrad, I would go get free haircuts at Bumble & Bumble as a hair model. They had certain requirements for hair models and different kinds of haircuts that they would train professionals to do. I think you’d also get a voucher for $20 worth of Bumble products, too. I don’t know if they still do this. Also, I know it’s north of 14th but there’s a haircutting school on 34th St that was okay for basic uncomplicated cuts which are very affordable.

      1. Second Bumble & Bumble. It’s been a few years, but they used to do it on Mondays, when they were closed for regular business. Appointments were supposed to be set up in advance, but more than once I got a cut by just walking down their block on a Monday morning – occasionally people who needed models would stop me and ask if I could come in for a cut (I walked that block on my way to work regardless, this was just an added perk)!

      2. Yes, they still do this. Sign up to be a “model” and then go in to have you hair analyzed. Then they will email you with the openings in your style. Beware–the wait for the long line razor (I think that was the name) was several months last summer, so if you are up for it, the short haircuts have shorter waits.

    2. I got really good cuts for super cheaps from Astor Place Hair (or something like that). It is a totally straight out of the 1980s barber shop underneath Astor Place, and all the haircutters are straight out of the Soviet Bloc – basically, it’s Shampoo! meets Eastern Promises. But they do awesome work.

      1. I have to disagree with this — I went once in college and the woman didn’t speak english very well so she cut about 5 inches too much of my hair off and I cried for weeks.

        Try lifebooker — I’ve gotten several decent under $100 haircuts from places on there.

      2. Depends on who you get at Astor. I’ve had both awesome and terrible cuts from there. I specifically recommend Ali at Astor Place, but you should get an appointment because he’s always busy. Also, he’s really hard to understand. I randomly got him one day when I went in with the “do whatever you like as long as you don’t cut more than X inches off” attitude and it turned out great.

    3. If you want a cheap haircut, go to the Aveda Institute. It’s somewhere in range of $20. Haircut awesomeness will depend on the student you get, but I have never had a bad experience and professional instructors are on hand to “check the work.” The only downside is it takes a while so be prepared to spend about 1.5 -3 hours, esp. if you have longer hair.

      Or go to the Littlest Hair Shop, 54 E 4. I think around $70.

    4. I used to go to Irma at Astor Place while I was in law school ($40 if you want it blown dry, less if you leave with wet hair). Since then I went to Sean at Beehive Salon (it’s in Williamsburg, but an easy L ride from Union Square) who now charges around $65, I think. The place I go now only charges about $40, but it’s much deeper in Brooklyn.

    5. Amanda at Maria Mok – If you are new cuts are 60ish, and she does a great job. The salon is on 9th St. between 1st and A (take the 6 to Astor Place). The phone number is 212 677-7767.

    6. I have been going to a woman in Brooklyn Heights for 8 years and she does a wonderful job and is very reasonably priced. Her name is Anna and she works at Hair Profiles at 157 Remsen Street. Haircut is $50.

    7. I’ve had good luck at Sei-Tomoko. They have a few locations. I usually go to the one on E 13th, but have also been to the one on W 4th.

      seitomoko.com

  5. Love the mini-peep toe on these!

    Of course, like all other peep toed heels, Most think they should be worn without pantyhose; because lets be honest, pantyhose and peeptoes just looks silly most of the time.

    So, I love the price and will totally be hunting these down; but I might have to wait until it gets above freezing to venture out feet bare in peep toes.

    But of course, once I get these shoes, it will be hard to resist wearing them out regardless of how cold it may be, so hopefully it will be least a few degrees above freezing when I get them! I’d sure hate to lose any toes to frostbite – but I’d also hate to miss out on such a fabulous deal on shoes!

  6. Random threadjack: can anyone tell me why bodysuits are so expensive? I love this one from Neiman: http://tinyurl.com/czn48d5, but I don’t think I can justify that price (even at an extra 25% off). And why would anyone pay $850 for it regular price?!

    1. It’s for people with more dollars than cents.

      I think I’ve seen body suits in the Victoria’s Secret catalog, if you are looking for something like this.

    2. Well it is because its Donna Karen, not because its a body suit. Victoria secret usually has it for much less

  7. I am really sick of my job and desperately want to start something new. I have 2 offers that I should decide on in the next day or so. They are both interesting jobs that are much better paying than my current position.

    BUT. My plans for the next year are uncertain. I will almost certainly be starting law school in September, and my husband and I would like to move as soon as he can transfer to the law school’s city (don’t know what law school yet.) Knowing the transfer timeline for his company, that would probably be May.

    Is it a really terrible idea to take a job, knowing I’ll only be there for 4-7 months? I feel like maybe it is, but doing something interesting and better-paying is such a lure.

    1. Frankly, I wouldn’t be impressed if I hired someone who knew she was leaving in 4-7 mo. and didn’t tell me. I would tell your potential employers about your situation and ask if the offer still stands. Who knows? Maybe they have smaller-scale projects you could take on. But I really wouldn’t burn bridges (and I think leaving after 4 months, when you knew that was likely, would be a majorly burnt bridge). You’d be amazed at how small the world is and how you’ll find that someone you knew back 10+ years ago is suddenly in your (work)life again. You don’t want to be *that* person.

      1. Thanks TBK, that’s kind of what I figured. I guess I’ll stick it out for a few more months… hoping we can make a law school decision soon and move… and then I think I’ll intern or nanny for the summer.

    2. Yes!! Take the job!! First, the pay is better than your current job. Second, you say they are both interesting. Third, your use of the phrase ‘plans…are uncertain.’ A lot can change between now and September. Maybe you’ll find you love the job and don’t want to go to law school. (In fact, I might even encourage postponing law school but I’m a law grad who graduated with $120k of student debt and struggled to find a job — don’t follow my path! I’m sure others on here would agree.)
      To reiterate: yes.

      1. … and this is my rationale… I don’t *really* know when I’ll be leaving – so why stay in a job I hate when I have other options? hrmm…

        1. But really, would you give up going to law school for these other options? Are your plans uncertain in that you don’t know if you are going to law school at all or uncertain of where you are going to law school? That’s a big difference. You already know you are leaving the current gig in 4-7 months. There is a light at the end of the tunnel (as much as you can call law school a light). Just be patient.

          1. Are you 100% certain you want to go to law school, or are you going to law school because you hate your current job and think you might like law? Also, did you apply to any law schools that are near where you live now or are you 100% going to have to move to go to law school?
            IANAL, so I don’t know, but could you defer law school admission by a year if you like the new gig or if you aren’t 100% sure about going to law school? Then the new job might be 1 year+, not just 4-7 months. I know you can defer undergrad, and I was told at the MBA program I was accepted in that since I was admitted once it would only be a small amount of paperwork to be re-admitted since I decided not to go that semester, but I know nothing about how this would work law-school wise.

            Personally, if I hired an employee and then found out they had applied to schools elsewhere and were 100% going to leave in 4-7 months but didn’t mention it until after they started I would be EXTREMELY annoyed. Training a new employee is a pain in the butt – if you really only want to work 4-7 months, go to a temporary placement firm where its understood on both sides that its going to be a short term assignment.

      2. Yes yes yes, +1000. Don’t stay in the job you hate! Your plans are uncertain until they happen. Take whichever job you like better!

    3. Before I was a lawyer, I was in a similar position. At my interview, I told the interviewer that I knew I would be moving, I wasn’t sure when, but it would not be for at least six months, guaranteed. It was a high turnover job and she was short staffed and happy with the prospect of a guaranteed six month. The job market is now totally different of course but I just wanted to share my experience. I got the job, stayed a year and then moved. I was personally much more comfortable being up front about my impending move. This way I could use the job as a reference and take time off to travel for interviews.

    4. I think it depends on what it is you’re doing. Is this a career-type job that you would be staying in indefinitely but for your law school plans? Or is this a more short term position? If you are in a career type job, I agree with TBK that this is not a great plan. If the position you want to take is by its nature a more temporary position, or one that an employer would reasonably expect to fill every year or so, I think a change would be fine.

      1. in both cases they are sort of a secretary/paralegal blend. I think of them as more short-term positions but in one job, the previous employee stayed there for 11 years… so I’m guessing they’d like a long-term commitment.

        1. I don’t think a secretarial type job is worth burning bridges for, and my firm would be ticked if you left to go to law school 4 months later.

        2. A job like that might be able to be short-term, but I would be upfront about my plans with them. My SIL and several of my friends have held short-term paralegal positions (year or so) before ultimately attending law school, but I think they were all upfront about their plans. You’d hate to burn bridges with a potential employer or even just a potential industry if you have any intention of coming back to the region where you currently live. The fact that the job you are hoping to get is at all relevant to your future career makes a difference in my mind.

          1. Even if you have no intention of coming back to that region, I wouldn’t burn bridges with a law firm/legal services company if I were headed to law school.

          2. Good advice. I’ll let the hiring manager know about my timeframe, see if that’s acceptable, and otherwise decline to continue in the process.

  8. Many people here talk about their dream job. Ask a manager has a great post about dream jobs today.

    1. On that, would you ever ask “why is this position open” or “why did the last person leave?” I accidentally asked that question once and I didn’t get a great response-like I shouldn’t be asking that kind of question. It’s made me stay away from being that direct.

      1. I don’t think that is a bad question. Interviewers ask candidates all the time why they are looking to leave their current position. It also provides good insight into the company, is it a new position for growth? Is there a history of people leaving quickly? You can also do your own research and see if anyone who has left would be willing to give you insight. I did that for my current position (thanks to some advice here), contacted the person through a mutual friend and got some great information. It was candid and seems accurate so far.

      2. I always ask, “Is this a new position or would I be replacing someome?” My last three jobs have been newly created.

        1. Right – and if it’s a newly created position, then you get to ask about what needs precipitated creating it.

      3. I always ask that question. How it’s answered is really telling, esp if it’s a high-turnover role.

      4. As an interviewer I’ve been asked that question in the past. It’s pretty easy to answer, honestly. “We’re replacing someone who has moved on to another opportunity” or “It’s a newly created position due to increased activity in the market”. I’d be wary of any job that got a negative response to this question in an interview!

      5. Late to this party, but I definitely asked this question when interviewing for my current job.

    2. It is a great post and I think it’s applicable in many areas in life. Finding a partner, for example.

    3. Anyone else here like me in what they thought would be their dream job, only now that you have it, its not so much of a dream? I went through so many crappy jobs and mediocre jobs at crappy companies in pursuit of my goals – I’m at a really good company in what I thought would be a good position for me and I’m just not loving it. In fact, I kind of hate most days. But I’m afraid of what to do now – what if any other path I pursue in my “pursuit of happiness” turns out to be just as mediocre once I get there? My problem is that my job description sounds great in theory, but I just really don’t like the day-to-day tasks required to acheive that job description, and I’m afraid other fields might turn out the same way. Help?! Comiseration? Anyone else been through this and came out happy on the other side?

      1. I also got my “dream job” and now am finding myself nostalgic for my old job, in which I was terribly unhappy most of the time. It’s funny how my brain can be so irrational sometimes! It really is a struggle for me to stay upbeat, but that’s what I try to do — say the Serenity Prayer to myself over and over and try to make other areas in my life more rich and fulfilling so the state of my current job doesn’t have to make or break my life.

      2. You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Why would finding a job be any different? At least, that is how I justify wanting to leave what I thought was my “dream job.”

      3. Yes, yes, 100% in the same boat as you Meg. In theory my job is amazing and so many people are lined up behind me to do what I do but the day to day tasks and the co-workers have me with my foot out the door. But I’ve learned from it that it isn’t just the task/position/role that makes a dream job, but the culture, the professional development, and co-workers. However, because this is my first full time position out of school, learning that right away has taught me what I need to ask in interviews to get to a real dream job next time.

        1. Are you me? I never thought I’d be so lucky to have a “great” job right out of law school but it’s actually making me miserable and I think part of it is the lack of support and some of my co-workers, even though I love the substantive work.

          Would you mind sharing what questions you think you’d ask in an interview the next time around?

          1. I’m jealous of your substantive work!
            Mostly they are the questions that we all know we should ask, however I made the mistake of not asking them because I had already convinced myself it was my dream role. Even now, I don’t know if I would have turned the job down or thought less of it if I had gotten bad answers to these questions, just because I thought the role itself was so perfect and I was being offered my dream job right out of undergrad even before graduation came around and didn’t have many other options.
            But I’ve learned that I have to ask about professional development opportunities (there are none), especially additional training (none so far at all), what the team culture is like (not just the company culture!), where my current position will actually lead (for this small, flat company – nowhere) what leadership style my boss has, etc. And as mentioned above, when the VP mentioned in salary negotiations that he was hesitant to come up from the abysmally low initial offer because he hadn’t been able to keep anyone new in this position for more than a year, I should have asked why the turnover was so high.
            It took less than six months to realize that I was in a position that is glorious and fun-sounding to my friends, family, and even clients but lacks the training and development I crave and co-workers that were trying to build a career of it. It doesn’t help that my team is made entirely of young women who have the maturity of teenagers. (In fact, reading the comments on this blog daily make me so jealous of the intellectual stimulation you all must get in your jobs! It’s all I get all day!)
            But I’m glad that through all of my bad experiences I’ve learned what really makes a job a great one and not to be blinded by or emotionally connected to the job description. I suppose that isn’t such a bad thing to learn at the ripe age of 22. So there is time to find the real perfect job for both of us!

  9. After putting on huge amounts of weight over the past few years, I have taken the bull by the horns and joined Weight Watchers. I’ve only been doing it for 2 weeks, but so far it seems helpful.

    One aspect that I am finding challenging, however, is figuring out portion sizes for certain foods. For example, let’s say I make flank steak, which I slice and use for sandwiches. Should I just buy a food scale, rather than trying to estimate (e.g., 2 lbs / x portions = y size per portion)? Does anyone have a food scale to recommend?

    2. I don’t remember the exact model, but it is by OXO and I got it from Bed, Bath and Beyond. Since they always have coupons, you don’t have to pay full price.

      I use my scale for baking – it’s much easier for me to weigh flour, sugar, etc rather than measuring it out. Also, I cook for just me and my husband, so when I split a recipe in half, it’s easy to weigh out the ingredients.

      One thing I’ve found is that about 6 oz of pasta is enough for two people. I always used to eyeball it before and ended up making too much.

      I think a scale is a great thing to have. Good luck with WW!

    3. I’d go with a food scale. There is also a thing I bought the first time I did WW called a food portion plate or something like that where you put the food directly onto the plate with these separators and lines that tell you 1/2 cup, 3/4 cup, etc. I thought this was really helpful so that when I went to a friends or out to dinner or something I could see how much space 1/2 cup of different kinds of vegetables took up, rather than just guessing after cramming it into a measuring cup and screwing with the shape of my green beans. (If that makes sense.) But really, food scales are great. They even make them in measuring bowls now where you can tare between ingredients-you just have to be careful to not put too much in.

    4. I don’t have a food scale to recommend, but almost every study that has been done of people counting calories have found that people are much, much more accurate in their calorie counts when using a food scale. I think there are lots of good, reliable digital models available on Amazon.

    5. I recommend getting a food scale too. Even just a super cheap one is helpful. I don’t bring mine anywhere, but I use it to pack my lunches. A 3-oz serving of meat is much smaller than I thought it was. A food scale and a cheap set of measuring cups are invaluable to me when I’m trying to get control over the amount of food that I eat.

    6. I’ve done weight watchers off and on for the past year just to adopt healthier eating habits and spending $20 on a Taylor food scale from Target has made it so much easier. Estimating portions is highly discouraged and, in regards to meat, it loses some of it’s weight when cooked so your points would be off.
      Are you doing online or meetings?

    7. Definitely recommend a food scale. It is crazy the difference between how much is there and how much we think is there. I especially like it for chips or popcorn, because who really counts out 12 chips or whatever – I’ll just look at the serving size in grams and then measure that out.

      On a separate note, I find it helpful for baking as well.

    8. WW has a great online tool for eyeballing things when you’re out, but I’d still measure at home. Even for things I eat every day, I have to measure the portion at least weekly to remind myself what it’s supposed to look like or my portion sizes start creeping up. Congrats on taking the first step and good luck!

    9. If you don’t want to bite the bullet right away, doing the “2 lbs into x portions = y” works pretty well in the beginning- especially if you are the only one who is going to eat those portions over the course of the week, even if one portion is a little big or small, as long as it adds up at the end its ok. You also have to keep track, so I would divided the whole steak up into portions and label them, because its easy to cut off what you think is 1/8, only to cut the rest up into equal portions and discover its actually 1/6. One general rule that I liked from my WW group leader was that if you are losing weight by estimating, then keep doing what you are doing, but if you are plateauing/gaining you need to be more strict, and portion sizes is the best way to do that.
      I would also be very strict about using measuring cups for things like rice, cereal, milk and other items that made sense to go into measuring cups, until I got the hang of what size bowls were one serving of cereal, etc.

    10. I have the one Thomas Keller recommends in his Bouchon cookbook – it’s a brand I’ve never heard of and I can’t find it right now. It was cheap, although not as fancy looking as an OXO, but it gets the job done.

  10. Since you can’t take your food scale with you to restaurants or friends’ houses, I found it more useful to learn some of the approximations. Here are some of the ones I found useful.
    1/2 cup of cereal= a fist
    1 cup of cooked rice or pasta= a baseball
    1 medium fruit = a baseball
    1 oz of cheese = 2 dominoes
    3 oz of meat/chicken/fish = the size of your palm (or a deck of cards)

  11. After giving the matter a lot of thought, I am thinking of moving house (again). Don’t want to write a novel about it, but I think it makes sense for DH and I to move again. (This involves aging parents, so it’s complicated.)

    I just have to say that moving is so.hard. And I’m kinda dreading it, but it’s the right thing to do. I’m also so worn out from work sometimes that all I want to do on weekends is vegetate, that looking at places is one of the last things I want to do, but it’ll be for a good cause. *massive sigh*

    Alright, enough venting for me. Back to the daily stuff.

    1. “for DH and me”. Really, I know subject-object pronouns. (Except when I’m feeling overwhelmed and emotional.)

      1. *coffee and grammar* dear ;)
        Also hate moving. I just finished myself. Look at it as a freebie on going to the gym all week!

        1. LOL! (re: *coffee & grammar*)

          I did go to the nearest liquor store and ask them for the boxes they didn’t want so they could get another use before hitting the recycling bin. And, so I wouldn’t have to buy cardboard boxes at Staples.

          1. Check out bookstores for boxes! I work at a bookstore part time and they seriously have the best boxes in the world for moving. They are large and sturdy (they carry books, duh), and the best part – they are uniform size so you can easily pack up a truck.

          2. And Craigslist! I moved a couple months ago and didn’t buy a single box… there were many, many listings on Craigslist for “free moving boxes for anyone who wants to come get them off my porch,” and I just picked the most convenient one.

            Sympathy for the move though… I hate hate hate moving. I started off a month or so in advance, really organized labeling boxes and giving away large amounts of stuff. As the moving date crept up on me (and my husband “helped”) the labels got less and less specific, and it was easier to just box things up than make another run to Goodwill or schedule a charity pick-up. Donate early and often!

    2. Yep. This is why I have adapted to my quirky house rather than moving. It’s exhausting and expensive and you basically have to start over with decorating and where to put things. Sorry to be gloomy but yeah, it’s hard.

    3. Moving is hard. I like the clear Container Store boxes – that way you can see what’s inside. Good luck!

      1. Ah. Clear boxes are nice, although maybe I can harness my OCD-Excel-Spreadsheet making habits here.

        I’m logging every item that goes into each box in the spreadsheet, so I know that Box 6C contains the books from business school that I’m keeping, etc.

        Maybe I can also use this as an opportunity to clear out (donate, give to friends, throw out) stuff I just haven’t used in the past few years that I’ve not gotten around to dealing with.

        1. This. I had a move somewhat suddenly forced on me last spring. And while it was because of my nasty landlords, and not personal issues, the moving in a short time period under great professional stress at the time was hard. What did HELP a lot was really paring down my belongings and donating so many things to worthy causes. I did huge suit purge and gave them all to dress for success. I got rid of all the bridesmaid dresses to a “prom” equivalent of dress for success. Unneeded furniture and household goods went to a group that helps set up battered women who are starting over and need basic furishings. By both purging so much stuff, and figuring out ways to donate it, I was able to see the move as a positive and not “evil landlords kicking me out and knowing I cannot do a darn thing about it even being a lawyer.” And I will say I now really LOVE my new place, and don’t miss any of my old stuff.

          I also made a spreadsheet and it was super helpful. The last few boxes didn’t quite make it on there, but for most of the boxes it was a great tool for unpacking.

        2. Hugs and sympathy (and lattes with baileys!) Thinking about moving a houseful of things is overwhelming, but I definitely recommend using this as an opportunity to clear out/declutter/simplify. The prospect of having to pack up something to move it is great impetus for finally tossing those unused kitchen item/old clothes/books you never read etc. For the first time since high school I have lived in the same place for more than 1 year and it’s easy to see how fast stuff like that can accummulate without the motivation of having to move. Good luck!!!

    4. Check out Kat’s post on moving for type-a personalities – that was a major find when I helped a friend move recently.

    5. Tea and cookies and sympathy. Moving SUCKS and especially so if you’re doing it for extraneous reasons rather than “We can finally afford to live somewhere nice(r)!”

      Hmm, a trip to *my* local use bookstore may be in order for you….

        1. Thanks, Jo March. I will greedily gobble tea & cookies any day, for any reason, but especially for this. My stress level has been up lately because of this…

          And @Merabella– love your suggestion of bookstores as another source of boxes. I envy you your bookstore job! If I won the lottery, I’d start and (keep afloat) an indie bookstore. *sigh*

          1. You and me both! I have been dreaming about my very own indie bookstore for years.

            I found my ideal when I read the novel, “A Novel Bookstore” by Laurence Cosse, and immediately wanted to replicate it IRL. Unfortunately the world is not kind to indie bookstores these days. All the more reason to support good ones when you find them…

          2. One other great source of boxes for books – the boxes photocopier paper comes in. They aren’t too big so they don’t get too heavy, they are sturdy and they have lids. Ask whoever orders office paper to save them for you. We also got a lot of great boxes by hitting up Craigslist and Freecycle asking if anyone had recently moved and wanted to give/sell their boxes – we got great boxes from someone who had hired professional movers and had all the specialty boxes like boxes with a closet bar in them and boxes with dividers for glasses, dishes, etc.

  12. Can anyone in California comment on the delivery time of their Lo & Son’s bag? I ordered one on Saturday, but assume the order wont be processed until today or tomorrow. Any chance it will be here Friday or earlier?

    1. I’m much much closer to where they ship from, but I ordered mine on Dec. 31 and received it on Jan. 3.

      1. Thanks! Fingers crossed they are as fast this week!

        GRRR all I see in this is my typo.

        1. I didn’t notice! :) I was really impressed with their customer service, so hopefully they will be speedy with your order, too.

  13. Can I just be sad and vent anonymously for a minute? DH & I were getting ready to “pull the goalie” and start trying in a month or two, and now I have to get a minor medical procedure done that makes trying inadvisable till the Fall or so. It’s nothing serious and I know it’s not that long of a time, but I am going to be 32 this spring and it just made me want to cry, especially in light of the fact that there’s no guarantee that we will be successful in our efforts right away anyway. Of course I immediately imagine the worst, but it doesn’t help things that it’s a me issue so I feel like I am the one responsible somehow for keeping us from starting a family. Ugh.

    1. Hugs. It s*cks to have to wait.

      In the meantime, can you start tracking your cycles and monitoring things as per TCOYF? That way, when it *is* time to start trying, you will know that your cycle is regular/irregular, when your temp peaks are, etc., so that you will have the most information you can about the best time to try.

      And eat lots of sushi!

      1. This. When we wanted to try for #2 we had to wait until dh got a job with benefits. It was really, really had for me, but charting my temps helped (and helped us get pg first month trying). Talking online to others who were also waiting to TTC for various reasons helped too. I went to Babycenter.com, figured out what month I’d be due in if we were successful right off the bat, and found the board for “Due in” that month. Met some great friends there.

      2. I’m not the OP, but I’m curious – does TCOYF work even if you’re on the pill? I just assumed you couldn’t track anything accurately until you were off the pill.

        1. No, it doesn’t work. The pill masks everything, so you can’t tell whether you would ovulate regularly or not if not taking it. You have to be off BC for TCOYF to work.

          1. On this note: If one is on the pill, but one wants to start thinking about TTC in the next 6-10 months, what might one do other than prenatal vitamins and healthy eating/living? Any ideas?

          2. For Jo: get off the pill and use alternative methods. While you can get pg the first month off, it can take up to 6 months for your cycle to become completely normal.

          3. If you want to start TTC in 6-10 months, one thing you might want to consider is getting off the pill sooner than later. Your body might bounce right back and start ovulating, or you might have wonky cycles for six months or more while your body regulates itself. I’ve had several friends go off the pill when they were ready to start TTC, and then not have regular cycles for months. It can be really frustrating.

          4. Ditto what TBK and Fiona said about going off the pill. Use that time to get used to charting and make sure your cycle is back to normal. Also, see your doctor and make sure you’re up on all your vaccines (e.g., a blood test can determine if you’re immune to Rubella or need a booster).

          5. — Review your STD insurance and maternity leave plans. You may not have time to make changes before open enrollment, but at least you’ll know where you stand.
            — Save money.
            — Do home remodeling, moving, etc – particularly anything like painting or heavy lifting that you wouldn’t want to do pregnant.
            — Vacation, stay out late, and be spontaneous.

          6. Plus one more for get off the pill sooner rather than later. I was one of the ones who took 6 months to get back to normal… on one hand, I was glad I was charting so that at least I knew I just was not ovulating, and didn’t worry about other possible problems, but on the other hand, it was incredibly frustrating, especially when a couple friends got pregnant immediately.

        2. Pre-TTC. Take a big trip. Preferably one where you do things you wouldn’t do while pregnant (wine trip, skydiving, skiing, scuba, etc) and/or trips that you wouldn’t take with a small child.

          1. Amen to this. I loved Diana Barry’s suggestion to eat lots of sushi. I’d also recommend (if this is your cup of tea) a trip to Napa, eating lots of sandwiches with cold cuts, drinking good wine, eating blue cheese and brie, and medium rare hamburgers.

            …trust me, you don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone.

          2. You guys are making me feel better. Diana Barry, you said exactly the right thing for me. I bet you’re an awesome mom :)
            Maybe a trip to Napa is a good idea, too. I just wish this wasn’t all so difficult. I didn’t even think about the BCP aspect of it. I don’t know if DH could handle both putting off a baby and having to use c*ndoms after all of this time!

      3. I agree. I am in the SAME boat, but I do NOT even have a BF, let alone a SIGNIFIECANT other or a DH. I need the DH before I will have a BABY, and this is what make’s it so dificult.

        Rosa has another baby comeing soon, and I don’t even have ONE, and I am the OLDER sister. I feel like an OLD hen that need’s to be abel to hatch an egg already. When I think of all the time I wasted with ALAN, I get VERY mad. He had alot of nerve to lead me on and make me think I was goeing to have a family with him, when all he realy did was perfer the bottel over me. FOOEY on men like him who just use us for SEX and burp and walk away. FOOEY!!!

    2. Oh, nerds. (Thanks for that one, Tina Fey.) I’m sorry. Waiting is so very difficult when you’re ready to start or expand your family.

    3. I had a similar issue that forced us to put off trying for a year and a half. It sucked but going through it together made us stronger, too. Ditto on the tracking.

    4. Such good timing. I’m in the same situation. We were all ready to start TTC, and a medical issue came up and I have to wait about 4 months. I will also be 32 in the spring! Maybe we’ll hit it at the same time…

      Hugs!

  14. Ladies, I could use some advice. I have my review meeting scheduled for tomorrow with my two bosses, who are nice and I respect them a lot. They tend to always give some constructive feedback on things to work on (as well as some general good feedback), and I’m usually completely fine with that and take mental notes on objectives going forward. It’s just that at the moment I’m going through a really rough patch in my life, and I am worried that I will lose my sh*t at the slightest hint of constructive criticism. I started on anti-depressants about a week ago and while they are helping I haven’t entirely gotten my tears under control. What do I do? How do I prepare for this? Basically I want to be able to “fake it” through the next months at work until I feel better and back to my normal self, so I need to be composed during tomorrow’s review.

    1. And by “lose my sh*t” I just mean start crying. That was probably a bit of an overly dramatic choice of words.

    2. 1) Fake eye problems/contact issues/allergies?
      2) Do something before the review that makes you happy. Get in a workout or take a walk to get some endorphins pumping. Even climbing some stairs might work. Read some of the funny websites mentioned earlier. This assumes you know what time the review is.
      3) Recognize that you are already taking steps to fix things. Is the depression causing you to lose focus and you think they will say, hey, you need to pay better attention? Well, guess what, you are already working on that, before they even suggested it. Good job.

    3. Pinch the webbing between your thumb and forefinger if you think you might cry. It hurts, and is distracting and for some reason prevents the crying. Someone told me the accupressure-y reason, but the point is that it works and has helped me get through some rough situations at the office where I was close to crying. I’m in a high level exec position and the only woman on the exec team and it would be career suicide to cry – “Oh she’s emotional!” But I get weepy when I’m frustrated. This trick has saved me and I wish I had learned of it much earlier.

      Hang in there and prepare yourself – it might help to run through some possible scenarios in your mind before the meeting, so you are prepared and comments don’t take you off-guard.

      Good luck.

    5. Plan something great for after the review, like a massage, or a promise you’ll buy the bag you wanted. When you get emotional, think “new bag! new bag! new bag!”

    6. another tip is to stare into a bright light. supposed to help keep from crying

    7. A commenter this week suggested a Ted Talk video (at ted dot com) about body language for a fellow Corporette headed into a review. It is Amy Cuddy – Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are. She gives some tips about how to physically prepare before you walk into an interview or big meeting, and how it really makes you feel more confident (like opening your arms wide and high and things like this). I watched it and really liked her advice.

      And good luck!

    8. Press your tongue really hard against the roof of your mouth, but keep breathing slowly and deeply!

  15. I’m obsessing over the scarf that Hayden Panettiere’s character wore on last week’s Nashville (link to follow). Can someone please help me find it so that get back to work? And if y’all aren’t watching Nashville, it’s great fun.

    3. No help on the scarf, but I posted about those earrings last week. I love them and really want them! And agree its a great show.

  16. May I vent about parenting? I want to get back to the world of beig an “overachieving chick”, but this child can’t let go of me. He’s having a bad day, which means I can put all thoughts of career on hold. Again. Another day, another dollar not earned or put in retirement fund. Gahhhhh

    1. Okay, so I know you’re just venting, but you do see you’re part of the problem right? You’re the one responding to his problems by making sure you put everything on hold for him. Is he in school? There’s 7 hours a day. Not enough time for work? Why isn’t he in day care?

      You’ve mentioned before that you’ve decided to spend a lot of time with him, but if that time comes at the expense of you taking care of yourself (and ultimately your family) is it really a good idea? Lots of kids have no choice but to get through a bad day without mommy, and they survive.

      [I’ve written this assuming that your son is at least at the level of functioning where he can attend school and would be accepted by day care, because I don’t remember your previously saying otherwise. If he isn’t, then I would say you are already overachieving!]

    2. I feel you. When nobody but mommy will do it is frustrating, to have to give over your attention, your emotions, and your body to that needy kid.

      It passes though, and retirement can wait.

      (besides isn’t that what kids are for? Taking care of us in our old age??)

  17. Quick rant: if someone is trying to lose weight, don’t comment on their food! Geesh! I had 3 people comment on my turkey sub today: one said it was too small for a “whole meal”, another was worried the pepper relish would give her heartburn (huh? she’s not eating it), and a third really didn’t like the way the turkey looked–because it was cutlet, not pretty thin slices. When I said, “I’m going to lose 60 pounds this year, so this is what I’m eating,” the first chimed in with “you could just exercise. When I don’t exercise…” Gah!

    BTW, I enjoyed my turkey sub and it was a plenty big lunch (I actually couldn’t finish it).

    1. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE COMMENT ON OTHER PEOPLE’S CHOICES OF FOOD OR BODY SHAPE.

      I. HATE. IT. SO. MUCH.

      Sorry-not-sorry for the Ellen caps, but seriously, Bunkster, that is so inappropriate that your lunch got any comments at all, much less that many. I’m glad you enjoyed your turkey sub.

      …I might be a little extra-sensitive about this because I recently had an otherwise enjoyable dinner turn into a session of “everyone comment on a.’s body and her eating habits,” which is just, you know, my favorite thing ever. Seriously, people sometimes, I just want to hit them in their faces. Why do they think they can nitpick how much anyone did or didn’t eat at dinner? Why do they think they can extrapolate all of someone’s eating habits based on their perception of her body? And offer not-helpful advice? Do people think our bodies are public property, open for comments like a f***ing internet message board? All of my feminist bits (which is to say all of my bits) are just so. not. into. this.

      1. Oh wow, you are k-padi not Bunkster, really sorry! My rage obliterated my reading comprehension.

      3. Aargh! This drives me bananas. I’m actually fine, thanks, and concern-trolling is actually making me do the exact opposite of whatever you are urging me to do.

        1. Agreed. It’s annoying.

          And Cb, I love “concern-trolling,” — it’s a great term to describe the passive-aggressive way some of these people interact with others.

      4. The cashier ladies at the work cafeteria ALWAYS comment on food selections and go on and on and on about “oh, someone must have resolved to lose weight this year!” and “look how good you are!” and “guilty pleasure today, huh?” It makes people visably uncomfortable. No one wants to talk about their diet/weight or explain that you just want a side salad to go with the brown bag leftovers at your desk.

        I always have a’s reaction in my head. One of these days, it’s going to come out my mouth.

    2. When people make comments like that, I just look at them and say, “Okay?” and wait for them to carry on. Normally, it feels awkward for them and I can get back to chowing down. I wouldn’t even mention anything about losing weight or whatever. This is what I want to eat and I’m going to eat it. The end.

      1. Yeah, that’s what I was doing (I’m more “uhh-hmmm?” than “OK?”) but after the third comment, I couldn’t stop myself. I’m just happy it didn’t come out horribly badly.

      2. Oh, I assumed that you’re accustomed to comments about your size and short-ish arms. It’s clear that if you want to eat a few frantic urbanites, you will.

    3. I don’t think exercise is always the solution anyways. When you exercise, you eat more calories, so for me real weight change always has to do with how I eat and very little to do with going to the gym.

      1. And also exercise does not cause all people to lose weight anyway. Says actual science. The peer-reviewed kind. So. Yeah. People. Stop with the comments.

        1. So true. One of my young male colleagues once proclaimed that it you exercise an hour a day, you can eat whatever you want. I told him I’d believe him when he was a woman over 40. I exercise 10 hours a week and am not thin.

          3. Hah! Yes, that and two of these people know I tried exercise 6 months ago and didn’t lose a single pound. I was so discouraged by that but I am slowly adding in exercise now that I feel better.

            I think many naturally thin people don’t realize how much some bigger people do exercise but don’t lose the bulk.

          4. I’m curious, if you are simply heavier, why you want to lose weight?
            People tell me I’m not fat, and I have changed my style as my body has, uhh, evolved over the last 3 years. I’m now almost 30 lbs heavier than I was. The appearance is really a minor factor for me. I’m much more tired than I used to be, and my back hurts much more often. DS notices those things too. Oh, and I gained the weight living a lifestyle I don’t like in a place I don’t particularly care for.
            But if you’re strong or a good diver, are in tune with your body and get along with it well, what’s the concern?

          5. If you’re asking me that question, I think the answer is complicated. I have struggled with my weight my whole life. I think I would be most comfortable about 20 lbs less than I am now. I am in great shape and am strong. I hate having to buy bigger clothes or feel like my clothes don’t fit right. I carry weight through the middle so it’s really hard to fit if I gain weight.

        2. Agreed. The comments I get when I have protein shakes for lunch are obnoxious. “Oh, are you starving yourself? That can’t possibly be enough for lunch!”

          Actually, it has exactly the right amount of calories and nutrients for lunch, and there is also a banana and almond milk and almond butter in there. You want to call my doctor and talk to him about it?

    4. I had this happen to me as well. I had decided, awhile back, to try making lunches for myself that were healthy and more appealing (as in, I would actually want to eat them). So I sauteed chicken, blanched green beans, and I would add carrots and grape tomatoes. I can’t tell you how many people commented on my lunches. I mean, they’re nice people and they weren’t trying to be rude, but it made me self-conscious. I stopped doing it because it was so much work to prepare at the beginning of the week but yeesh, it was annoying. This week I decided to start taking the homemade soups out of my freezer and bring them for lunch. We’ll see what types of comments that brings!

      1. People at my office do this all the time. “Oh look who is being healthy today.” I think they don’t really know what else to say, and this is their default – though some people are just a**hats and don’t want other people to do better.

        I’ve just kept on truckin and bringing my food in anyway.

    5. I hate that too and it’s hard for me to not be snarky. Occasionally when I want fast food, I’ll order a small item to just satiate the craving, e.g. kids’ size chicken tenders. Every single time, the cashier remarks about the small portion. Drives me nuts.

  18. Thoughts from the hive on seeing someone whose commitments are less demanding than yours are? It’s less that he’s demanding of my time and more expressing concern about how thin I’ve managed to stretch myself but I’m struggling to communicate that this is how my life is and will be for the foreseeable future and while I like the idea of him in it (early, early days), my control over my commitments and time is pretty minimal*.

    *This is untrue, I am not in big law or a doctor, I choose to do this to myself but for the moment, I’m committed to my crazy lifestyle.

    1. What are his concerns, exactly?

      If you aren’t sleeping, eating, taking care of yourself, then his concerns are pretty justified and maybe you should consider de-committing a little. I know it’s nearly impossible to do.

      Otherwise, make sure any time you have with him is “quality time”–no cell phone, no TV, no “working dates”. Encourage him to go out without you or to pursue his own interests and be happy to hear about it.

      Honestly, this is the kind of thing I’ve had several early relationships fall apart over.

      1. +1 (although as yet I haven’t had relationships fall apart over it, probably because all of my college boyfriends knew I was the super-committed and type A, and my post-college boyfriend encountered me during a downswing in responsibilities)

      2. K-padi: This is super helpful, thanks for the advice. I’m not great at self-care (a chai latte totally counts as a meal, right?) and am fiercely independent so someone challenging my ‘normal’ is a bit of a shock. I’m good at putting things aside when we’re together but it normally means I’m up at 5 to make up for it. But he’s incredible and good for me and makes me laugh so I think it’s a give and take on both sides.

        And my life will calm down eventually, right…..?

        1. mmmmmmm, not sure about that last part :) If you like your life busy (and be honest with yourself- do you get something out of being a bit crazed, a bit frazzled) there will always be a way to overcommit.

    2. My boyfriend and I are like this. He is a bureaucrat and works totally normal hours wi lots of time off and I work at least 60-70 hours per week. I was very up front with him about my schedule right from the beginning. He is concerned that I’m going to burn out, but I make sure to take breaks with him when possible. We’ve gone on a few vacations and get together for dinner near my office sometimes when I’m working more than usual so we can get time together and I can go back to work if necessary. It works for us, but I think being up front and honest from the beginning was key. I also have tried to make changes so we can spend more time together. I used to work the about the same hours over 6 days but now I don’t over 5 and go into work earlier than I used to. That means we have both weekend days together.

    3. Is he house hubby material, or is it too early to tell?
      There was a post on exactly this topic a while back. I’m on my cell so can’t look it up right now, but you might want to read it.

  19. I had a half-price massage (livingsocial) on Saturday from a LMT I didn’t really click with, so I’m sure I won’t be returning to him. I told him I liked firm. When he was working on my glutes I said, “That’s on the edge of too much,” and he responded by easing off, but said, “When I say that when I’m getting a massage, my therapist says, ‘Yes, but it’s so good for you, darling!'”

    Very zoned out with the massage, I didn’t notice him being too firm on my hands, but he bruised my left palm, at the base of my thumb. The whole section, from my lifeline to the edge of my hand, is a deep purple. I’m not going back to him for further therapy, but I’m wondering if I owe it to him to tell him. I feel weird at the thought, though, because I don’t want to sound like I want anything from him.

    Call him?

      1. I agree – just leave it and don’t go back. I can’t stand firm pressure (I have a connective tissue disorder and it is painful) and it makes me nuts when LMTs tell me to suck it up. For me a massage is about relaxation as much as anything else and weirdly, I don’t relax when I’m trying not to shout because someone is hurting me. Grr. Hopefully your bruise fades quickly and you aren’t too sore.

  20. *sigh* Burnout recovery question, marital edition: I had an extremely busy September, October and November, followed by a bummer of a December (billed 220+ hours in 3 weeks and watched a loved one die in a horrible, heartbreaking way). The worst is over now, and DH was mostly supportive and my mother commented on how compassionate and caring he was over the holidays when we were all wrecks.

    But…I’m exhausted and burnt out, and trying to hibernate or do hobbies that I haven’t done since August. DH has great plans for completely cleaning every space in our house and requires my help. The worst is that sometimes his cleaning demands come loaded with the threat that the messy house makes him want to buy a new house, which I find seriously depressing. And every time he says, “You know what?”, I get really cranky because I am expecting some new, unwanted demand on my time or energy. And then we have a big fight because half the time he is going to suggest something like watching a football game and he is hurt that I wasn’t excited about his plan (despite not knowing what it was when I responded).

    Is it unreasonable to ask that he give me another month of down time, after he has already picked up my slack during four months of chaos? How long is “normal” to be exhausted after that kind of stress? I feel like I am on the verge of a meltdown at least several times a day, even though things have quieted down significantly.

    1. Can you take a solo weekend? Or ask him to plan a getaway where you the two of you can just unwind? Even a scenic drive every weekend, whatever. I’m sure your husband is feeling your stress and is trying to fix it for you but can you just say, “Honey, I’m exhausted. How do we do this?”

      Also, as per the regular suggestion, a therapist may not be a bad idea for you.

    2. I’m so sorry that you’ve had so many exhausting, crappy months. I don’t think asking to wait another month is, in the grand scheme of things, unreasonable at all. It’s not that you want him to do everything for another month. It sounds like you just want to return to “normal” and not “OMGCRAZY” for a month.

      Is there any chance you might have time for a long weekend trip with DH sometime soon? It sounds like you need to recharge together and get back on the same page. Even just two nights in a local hotel, away from the everyday crap, might work.

    3. Not sure if this would work for you or him, but would he be willing to do the:

      ‘let me recuperate for the next 2 weeks, where the only physical activity I do is to have fun LGPs with you.’

      I did that with my DH, and let all the housekeeping go to hell when I needed downtime, and we re-emerged from that much happier, more relaxed, albeit with a much messier house.

    4. I wouldn’t be concerned about “normal.” You haven’t recovered yet, so that’s where you are.

      My husband and I recover at very different rates. During our marriage, we went through all the stages of grief (denial, anger, etc) and ended with acceptance. I have to tell him straight out that I can’t handle one more thing, but I have to do it in a way that isn’t harsh. Something along the lines of “I’m interested in that idea, but I can’t handle one more thing right now. Let’s discuss it next month (or after we finish X).” Now it’s a bit of a joke and doesn’t cause any issue. Tell your husband that you love his energy and ideas, but that you just can’t keep up and need more time to recover. Then use that line every time you need.

    5. One of my friends is the type to constantly ask you to do things if you’re sitting around. Her husband solved this by having her create “chore lists” for the day. Once the day’s chores are done, he’s done. The chore list has to be written the night before and she can’t add to it day of.

      Re: exhaustion. I think it takes at least half as long, sometimes as long as, I was under stress to recover. So after a rough 3 months, I’d plan to take it easy for at least 6 weeks and up to 12 weeks.

    6. I’m glad that people are giving you sympathy and advice instead of getting mean and judgy the way you did to that poor woman struggling with TTC— who you decided was someone who just wants other people to solve all of life’s problems for her? I take no joy in your obvious distress, but I hope your own pain will help you find some empathy for others too.

        1. I don’t think deedee is out of line and actually phrased this quite well. OP’s comment about infertility was harsh and rather unsympathetic. This post today is strikingly similar in tone to the one she was so quick to be judgmental about.

          Sometimes seeing that we are guilty of that of which we complain can both trigger empathy and remind us of the other side of the story.

        1. Wow. Clearly you’re taking some joy there deedee.

          EMC: I agree with the other posters. A universal “I’m really burned out” signal between you and DH would be a great tactic. My DH is to the point where he will ask me how long I need to recover after something like that – when I’m tired I get to the point where everything almost makes me cry. That’s my “burnout” tell.

          Big hugs, and I hope you get some down / relax time soon!

      4. Wow. You win the award for being creepily vindictive. How long have you been sitting on this grenade? Sheesh.

    7. It sounds like you’ve gotten into a pattern where you dread his ideas or suggestions because they feel like demands on you; if you change it into a pattern where you offer him the time you can reasonably give, it might be easier for both of you and shake the sense of dread every time DH opens his mouth. S0 you might try offering your time instead of having it “taken” from you. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect DH to stop asking you for your time; you have to be proactive about asserting what you need. And you also have to be proactive about giving him the time that you can.

      For example, on a Saturday morning, before he can say, “Let’s clean the garage today!” you say, “Honey, I know you want to clean the garage today. I think that’s great and I want to help, but I’m still so exhausted that I really need to be gentle with myself. I’d like to help you for two hours. After that, we can have a nice lunch and relax together and then I can take a nap/read a book/take advantage of downtime and if you want to keep tackling the garage, I will cheer you on!” It’s not unreasonable for you to need more down time. But it’s also not fair to expect DH to stop wanting you to join him in activities while you get the down time you need, especially if he’s been on “hold” for a few months while you deal with all this stuff. If you can figure out a way to give him some enthusiasm, even during this recovery time, I think it will help your marriage and maybe even help you recover.

    8. Are you getting help for this? Because feeling like you might have a meltdown several times a day sounds really hard! And from your husband’s point of view, he’s been making do without you for 4 months now. I think its reasonable for him to need you now (not necessarily for everything he wants but generally) and I do think you owe it to your marriage to do as much as you can to make that possible, which for me would include therapy.

  21. actual fashion related question threadjack/

    I bought a beautiful pair of wool trousers from Talbots this weekend ($20/final sale) in winter white. They look great, and I managed not to spill anything on them.

    Suggestions for pairing them with different colors? I feel very stuck in the white/black combo, and am currently wearing a black turtleneck and patent heels.

    I am thinking that navy will go well, but not really sure after that. Suggestions?

    1. Jewel tones. Charcoal. Camel. Pretty much anything on the darker, more saturated side of the spectrum. I have a winter white scarf, and it goes with most things in my wardrobe. Know that’s not quite the same as pants, but I think winter white is basically a non-standard neutral.

    2. Anything! Winter white is basically a neutral. If it works with your skin tone, camel would work. You could also do any shade of blue. Rose would also be pretty, as would a mauve or lavender. I’ll bet teal would also look sharp.

  22. Thank you ladies for all of the support! The Houston Marathon was very cold, very windy, and rainy but I finished! The crowd support was wonderful (I for one am impressed that so many people who are used to warm muggy weather came out to cheer runners on). The tip I will forever add to wet races – a trash bag can be a life saver!

    2. Congrats on finishing! It’s unfortunate the weather was not nicer, but perhaps that only increases your sense of accomplishment. :) If you can run a marathon in the wind and rain, doing the next one in nicer conditions will be a breeze (pardon the pun)

    3. congrats! I am in Houston, and Sunday was icky outside. It’s a huge accomplishment to finish despite the weather! Way to go!

  23. I just got a call that my credit card was fraudulently used. I’m so careful about checking websites before I give it out so I’m hugely disappointed that despite my borderline paranoia, my number was used without my consent. Luckily my company caught it and shut it down on the same day. But now I won’t have a credit card for about 10 days while they reissue it. Why are there bad people out there who want to use my money?

    1. My sympathies.

      Do you ever use your card at restaurants and brick-and-mortar retailers?

      All it takes is for one dishonest person behind the register to use your name, credit card and auth code for their own purposes.

      Also, even websites that have good internet security have terrible physical security. I’ve lost track of how many clothing (and other retailers) have had employees be careless with laptops full of customers’ credit card info, and then for these retailers to sit on that for months before disclosing that info theft happened. Forever 21 is a particularly bad offender here for sitting on the info of a data breach.

    2. Happened to my husband yesterday too. He hardly ever uses his. I think some crooks just enter random numbers online and occasionally get lucky. Who knows.

      1. Also, I think there is a way for him to still use his in the 10 days. He might have to call and tell them each time he is about to make a purchase. His card is one he uses for work travel. He is currently home but the company thought he was on travel when they were telling him ways he could still use it. If you are in a position where you HAVE to have a credit card this week, see if they will work with you.

    3. So sorry to hear! I had a fraudulent charge show up on my credit card – $400 from South Africa and I do very, very little online shopping. I think sometimes a random number generator is used to get credit card #s. Another reason checking your activity is so important!

      1. Agree on the random number generators. A card that I never use was hacked last year (never use as in, have not put a charge on it in 5+ years, just keep it in a drawer in case I need it). Ask your credit card company to overnight the replacement, too.

    4. This happened to me right before Christmas when I was so busy I wasn’t checking charges every day. Except somehow they made a duplicate of my card and were using it in physical stores in my city. The little charges slipped past (White Castle, gas station) for a few days, but the second they tried to charge $400 at an outlet mall upstate, I got a call from my card company. Getting the fraudulent charges reversed was surprisingly painless. I just wish I could figure out where they got my number from, because it’s a card I use pretty much only in restaurants, and most of those are lunch places where the card is never out of my sight.

      1. They made copies of mine too. I always looked for the little charges, but they went straight for Cs right away. Wal-Mart charges on my bill are a dead giveaway!

    5. Who is your credit card issuer (not Visa/MC/DSC/AMX, but the actual bank listed on the back)? They should be willing to overnight you new cards. You might have to pay for it, but the cost is likely worth getting new cards in your hands quickly.

    6. Honestly, I think this is just a common problem and is the price of convenience. I have alerts set on my cards so that if they go over a certain limit (e.g., $500), I get notified. I also have a weekly statement sent with my balance. This allows me to monitor for any unauthorized activity. I am always careful but this has happened to me before and my CC companies were really great about resolving the issue each time. Sure, it’s inconvenient and it does feel intrusive but on the scale of bad things that can happen, it’s usually fairly minor. I’m not trying to make light of your situation but I think it might help you to think of this as a more common thing because sooner or later, it happens to most of us.

    7. That stinks. I’m sorry. It’s a huge PIA to have to update credit card number for every business that auto-deducts.

      I keep a second credit card open but mostly inactive (my car insurance is auto-charged to it twice per year) for just these situations.

    8. Be glad it was your credit card, you’ll never have to pay more than $50. A checking account that I have and rarely use the debit or ATM card was drained of almost $1000 so I got charged from the people I had set up to pay and felt like a dead beat. Meanwhile the bank is going to take 30 days to review the cash withdrawals from an ATM on the other side of the world. I know how you feel. It was very violating and frustrating. Not to mention the bank requires that you do a travel notice if you want to use it out of the country but no such flag was raised by back to back cash withdrawals draining it down to $11. GRRRRR

      1. I agree. I had my bank card hacked, but it was so easy to deal with, unlike the time my identity was stolen. At that time, the person opened store credit cards in my name and charged the max on all of them. I didn’t find out until the bills started coming in the mail.

      2. Switch to HSBC. I just went through this with them and they made it super easy. The unauthorized charges were credited to my account while they investigated and all I had to do was get a new card and sign an affidavit saying I didn’t authorize my withdrawals – it’s still unpleasant, but not as bad as it could have been.

    9. Happened to me 3–yes, t h r e e , times last year. Still haven’t figured out how they got/get my number. I’ve even switched groceries/gas stations/ATMs. At this point I’m just grateful for my bank’s fraud dept. & think of the cards/nos. as temporary only

      1. Twice in the last year for me, once with Amex (who caught it) and once with my bank, who lowered the amount of money I could take out of the ATM at which time I called them and discovered someone had hacked my debit pin number and used an ATM. I pretty much just use cash now around my neighborhood stores. As soon as I moved to this particular neighborhood, the thefts happened. Annoying to use cash for groceries etc but I felt violated when it happened and using cash just avoids the potential. I still use cc’s for online purchases and other stores that I consider safe (work neighborhood lunch place I’ve been going to for 10 years, etc).

  24. Any time I get bloodwork or imaging done, I ask the doctor for a copy of the results/report. They usually say okay and either instruct office staff to make a copy for me immediately or I ask the receptionist. When I get the imaging done, I ask for a CD of the images right then – going back to get it later is usually a pain and you have to pay like $20. Sometimes, they insist that they send it to the doctor electronically but I tell them that I want it just in case. They’re my records, it’s more beneficial for me to have it than not. And I stand there and wait for them to give it to me. But I always ask very nicely.
    -Ru

    1. Ru, what is with your tumblr post about white people? the “f*cking white people” and “and this is why white people should be stringently watched when adopting” comments? I feel like you would be upset if someone took a newstory about someone and attributed their characteristics to a whole race. Was suprised to see you do the same. Also the story is from 2007 and it wasn’t because of culture shock.

      1. Not that it isn’t a terrible story I was just surprised by 1. the white comments and 2. the reblogging of a story from 2007

      2. i think i remember reading that ru’s tumblr account got hacked… am i making that up?

      3. Thanks for asking. My site was hacked once a upon a time but that was just p3rn. I did reblog a post about a terrible adoption story because it really broke my heart (I didn’t write it). That’s how tumblr is, someone posts something and you can reblog it or ignore it or whatever.

        That being said, it is my tumblr, separate from this site. If you have a problem with what I’m posting, please feel free to take it up with me on tumblr, Anonymous Asks are always on. Or email me. I made a tumblr primarily to interact with people I fell in love with on thissite, but I also blog about Islam, engineering, hot men, beautiful clothing, feminism, and yes, white privilege. I didn’t investigate every aspect of the story before I reblogged it. I don’t care about the adopting couple or the adoption agency or the governments involved – that poor kid was screwed. I purposely reblog uncomfortable things to remember that life isn’t comfortable for most people.

        And you know what? It hurts when people attribute terrible things to my race/ethnicity/religion. Believe me, I know more than you ever could. Take it from a girl who dreamed of applying to aeronautical college once upon a time. Yeah.

          1. My tumblr is linked to my name above. My email is hijabeng at tumblr.

            It can get a little messy, because I do reblog a lot of random things so if you’re more interested in my original text and photo posts, feel free to bypass all of that by visiting hijabeng.tumblr.com/tagged/hijabeng.

        2. I know it hurts you when people attribute terrible things to your race/religion. Which is why I was very surprised about the white people comments. I don’t have tumblr- I didn’t know you could ask anonymously.

          1. You make a fair point, anon. I still invite you to continue this discussion with me over at tumblr. Click on the “Ask” link (I may have renamed it). Just so you know, when I respond to Anonymous Asks, they have to be published due to the way tumblr is set up; understandably, there’s no return mailbox for anonymous messages.

    2. Thank you! I am going to start doing this. I usually get the “we’ll send it to your doctor” response from labs and imaging places but I’ll channel you and be more assertive.

      1. They will ask you if it’s for your personal use or for your doctor. Always say it’s for your doctor. Because you’re not going to understand what the images mean. If you need to switch doctors, it’s great to show up with everything for their review in the first visit. And make sure you take everything back from each doctor (it’s my understanding that the CDs can’t be copied).

  25. A couple of weeks ago you posted about some crazy stressful things happening in your life and asked for book suggestions. My suggestion: “Full Catastrophe Living.” It looks intimidating, but can be absorbed in pieces as you are able.

    FOR THE REST OF THE ‘ETTES –
    I’ve lurked only a couple of times, but it is so nice to see that this is still a safe place for women to come, seeking and giving support. Thanks to those who continue to send me emails and letters. I am too tired to respond individually, but I appreciate it all so much.

    Quick status update: I have started the second type of chemo, given weekly. Side effects: crushing exhaustion, neuropathy in feet, weight gain from steroids. Could be so much worse. My skin looks great, go figure, and of course I’m completely bald. But I’m told I have a well-shaped head and look pretty cute bald, so there’s that.

    I am going to tell my boss Wednesday that I need to go on indefinite leave. Working, even part-time from home, is too much right now. My hope is he will hold my job (firm is too small for FMLA) but if he doesn’t that will b the spur I need to look for another once treatment is over in June. Prognosis is still good; no reason to expect anything other than full recovery.

    The cards and emails have been a lifeline. I cannot emphasize enough how grateful I am to all of you, and what a difference it is making in my physical and emotional well-being.

    ~SEATTLEITE

    1. Hi Seattleite!! So good to see you here. I think about you often even though I haven’t written you in forever. If you click back to Kat’s post on ways to de-stress, I posted a link to live cams for great dane puppies, yellow lab puppies, and kittens. Hopefully you can find some joy in watching those while getting some rest. People ask about you on here often too!

    2. Thank you for checking in! Glad to hear the prognosis is still good, and big hugs for the bad side effects.

    3. Hi! I have been thinking about you, and you have been asked about many times here. I am so glad the prognosis is good, and hope everything works out with work.

    4. Thank you for posting, great to see you here! Sending so many hugs and good thoughts your way.

    5. Yay! Glad to hear you are doing okay, all things considered. Thanks for updating us. Have been wondering how you were doing.

    7. Seattleite, so glad to hear from you! Do you accept postcards? SunnyD, could I send Seattleite a postcard? I’m at e.pontellier.r et te [at] gmail [dot] com (no spaces) or I can email you. Thank you!

  26. Thanks for the update Seattleite! So great to see that you checked in here.

  27. Pretty decent posting. I recently noticed your web site and wished to express that I’ve honestly appreciated checking the articles you write.

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