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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
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The dress is $120 full price but is now marked down to $60. It's available in regular sizes 2–18, petite sizes 2–10 and long sizes 4–22 and also comes in a navy/yellow print. Rhea Jacquard Dress
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Anonymous
For those that ordered the Old Navy jumpsuit from last week, are there any problems with your order? Old Navy just cancelled my order saying it is no longer available, but it still looks available and I can add it to my cart when I check online. Not sure what to make of it or if I should try ordering again.
Kate
I ordered the jumpsuit with a couple of other things, and only one thing has shipped so far (not the jumpsuit), so we’ll see… No cancellation email (yet), though.
Anonymous
Can you call customer service and ask?
Anon
I think they’re having fulfillment issues. I ordered several things, including shirts for my kid, and it took a few days for things to ship (totally expected) but the order manifest was wrong on the first shipment – they said one pair of jeans was in the first package but I received the other pair I ordered. I was wondering where the other pair was when the package showed up with the jeans. I got the “your item has shipped” notification the day after I got that package. All’s well that ends well – I got everything I ordered – but it was weird, as that hasn’t happened to me with ON before.
Anonymous
A lot of fulfillment places are putting worker safety over speed. The QVC head was on NPR yesterday discussing how they are trying to be very careful and that means that things will ship with a bit of delay compared to pre-corona times, esp. if you are opting for free shipping. Not something I will hassle people about in these times.
Anonymous
I paid for shipping, FYI, and the problem wasn’t how fast I got the order, it was the accuracy of the shipping information. It really wasn’t an issue for me, either way, and I agree it’s not something to make a big deal about. And I didn’t.
Anonymous
I think you should make of it that there’s a plague on and your jumpsuit isn’t essential. You’ll probably get it eventually and if you don’t you won’t pay for it. Get a grip.
Anonymous
Sorry you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and decided to take it out on complete strangers on the Internet! Hope your day gets better!
BeenThatGuy
Sounds like you need a donut.
Anonymous
I’m not the one complaining that the minimum wage workers didn’t ship out my sweatshop made cheap jumpsuit fast enough during a pandemic.
Anon
Congratulations! You win the wokeness olympics today! Do you want a parade or will a commemorative coin suffice?
Anonymous
“Congratulations! You win the wokeness olympics today! Do you want a parade or will a commemorative coin suffice?”
Oh, I think a tiara and sash are in order for this poster! How else will anyone know how how virtuous she is?
anon2
I find these comments so funny. What exactly are you hoping to accomplish? Do you really think that the poster is going to care what you, an anonymous Oscar the Grouch has to say about this? Or change their behavior? So amusing.
Anonymous
“I find these comments so funny. What exactly are you hoping to accomplish? Do you really think that the poster is going to care what you, an anonymous Oscar the Grouch has to say about this? Or change their behavior? So amusing.”
Found Anonymous at 9:35
anon2
Nope, not the same anon! I find the comments ridiculous and not beneficial, but also funny because they are stupid and useless – why would I be the same anon?
Anonymous
Lol no you did not.
anon
Goodness gracious, who peed in your cornflakes?
OP: I ordered 5 items from ON about 2 weeks ago. I have received 3 of them (arrived in 2 different shipments) but have not heard anything about the remaining 2. They are showing as out of stock now so I’m expecting a cancellation email soon.
grapefruit
Bless your heart.
Anon
I don’t necessarily agree with the tone – I don’t think OP was complaining, it was more of a question.
But I do understand the general sentiment. The board skews very white, rich, privileged and demanding. Everybody wants their sweat shop clothes shipped right away. Think, for one second, about the workers in the warehouse. You can wait.
Anonymous
If you hate the people here so much, why are you reading the blog? I am sure there’s a community of people out there who are woke and virtuous enough for you if you look. Do you want some Googling help?
Anon
Lol – ok Karen. I know in real life you think you can wave a finger and things go your way. But that’s not how the Internet works. I have a right to be here and offer comments too. I’m sure there’s a community of rich women who never want to hear another perspective. (Would you like help Googling it?) Perhaps you should go there.
Anonymous
“Lol – ok Karen. I know in real life you think you can wave a finger and things go your way. But that’s not how the Internet works. I have a right to be here and offer comments too. I’m sure there’s a community of rich women who never want to hear another perspective. (Would you like help Googling it?) Perhaps you should go there.”
Man, you are having a rough day. I’m sorry you’re taking your anger out on people here. I hope you feel better.
Anon
Actually feeling pretty good ;)
anon
We can wait and we are waiting. We’re just asking others what their experiences have been.
Anonymous
I also didn’t read it as the OP complaining, nor do I think the post implied that she could not wait. It read to me like she was just trying to get a feel of what others’ experiences might be.
LaurenB
The poster was not shrieking to the high heavens about the delay. She merely made a statement. Anyway, yes, a board full of professional working women is going to skew to well-to-do and privileged. That’s kind of the whole point. That’s our peer group. (BTW, what does being white have to do with wanting to know about delays in orders? How do you even know what race the original poster was?)
Anon
Yeah that’s what I said. I don’t think the OP was complaining. One person dared to comment that maybe we just forget typical ship times during a quarantine, and the board went nuts with “eat a donut”. (Again, I don’t agree with the tone but the general sentiment) That kind of entitlement…whew.
Anonymous
“Yeah that’s what I said. I don’t think the OP was complaining. One person dared to comment that maybe we just forget typical ship times during a quarantine, and the board went nuts with “eat a donut”. (Again, I don’t agree with the tone but the general sentiment) That kind of entitlement…whew.”
I really admire your efforts to post reductionist and facile interpretations of a conversation that are completely skewed to (some kind of?) a point you want to get across, but it doesn’t look like people are going to take the bait today and start a fight responding to your comment, for your amusement. Hey, better luck tomorrow, huh?
AnonATL
I ordered some stuff in mid-April that took 3 weeks to ship. The original delivery date came and went without an update, and then shortly after I got an email saying their shipments were delayed due to Covid and they would get it out ASAP.
Seems like they are having serious fulfillment issues which is too bad and likely compounded by all the crazy sales they’ve been running lately. I keep wanting to order things, but I’m impatient and don’t want to wait forever either! I end up finding a comparable item at Amazon or Target, because they’ve been shipping in a timely manner.
Anonymous
Right — Amazon contracts stuff out and maybe has some workers risking themselves for your jumpsuit. We fuss how we should have forever WFH as of right if we are nervous but will be d*mned if our free shipping isn’t also superfast.
No Face
Does Old Navy use Amazon for shipping?
AnonATL
Not as far as I am aware.. I think Anonymous at 9:49 was replying to the fact that I choose to purchase things on Amazon or Target when I need them more quickly than a month later. In my area, they almost always end up delivered by USPS in the end though.
AnonATL
Oh and just to clarify because I realize that my post sounds a little rude, I’m not ordering loads of random stuff every time ON has a sale. My third trimester body doesn’t fit into my old clothes anymore so there was a time when I truly needed some new clothes sooner than later especially because it’s getting pretty hot down here.
Anon
I believe that many analysts expect Gap (the parent company) to file for bankruptcy soon. From what I’ve seen, fulfillment issues often happen for companies going through that, so we’ve been trying to avoid online shopping from brands at risk. I hope it’s not so since I love Gap and Banana Republic and occasionally shop at Old Navy!
anon
Probably 70% of my wardrobe is from the Gap family of stores, so I am really hoping they survive this!
HousecounseI
My work-from-home wardrobe is so heavily Athleta. I do hope they come through with this. I ordered the jumpsuit from Old Navy and will report when it comes in.
mclawyer
I ordered some stuff from ON in mid-April. I never got an order confirmation email or shipping notification. I honestly thought the order didn’t even go through. Then the other day it showed up. My card was charged the day my package arrived. So bizarre!!!
Loser being a loser
Just in response to the poster who said the lockdowns are winding down. Here on Long Island we’re beginning “phase one” of opening. It literally means absolutely nothing different than what we have now and yet, they have dangled it in front of us for a month now. The state government also continues to tell us that any small step towards an opening will be quickly reversed at any sign of increased spread. So who knows if we’ll ever take another step this summer? The other unsaid part is, things will very likely be worse again this fall, according to experts. So any small step towards normalcy will be completely erased at that time, and it’s possible they will find something else to take away.
They already started closing public roads to non-residents because people wanted to take a drive in their cars. So add that to things not permitted. As I said yesterday some towns are requiring a mask ANY time you set foot outside your own home. Public beaches are permitted to refuse entry to anyone taking public transportation, and yet its somehow ignorant to consider the civil rights implications of that fact. One in four ny children is now going hungry but that hasn’t motivated anyone to do anything. Public schools are virtual indefinitely, but the majority of people are fine with it. Its scary to think about, but I can see “lockdown” becoming very strict, possibly mandatory confinement for to your home for years if the virus returns.
I really don’t understand how anyone could see this as anything but indefinite. Any increased activity/ semblance of normalcy will OF COURSE raise the rates and we are back to where we stared if not worse. I think the whole thing might be a game to make us think there is a way out so we don’t riot in the streets.
Anonymous
I mean if you want to live you life this way none of us can stop you. It’s pretty clear that things are opening up, even where you are, gradually and carefully. You can choose to catastrophize or not.
Anonymous
I’m really sorry–it must feel awful to be living under that. I’m in a state that is not fully opened, but is partway there. We’re seeing neither a spike nor a decline in newly-positive cases. (Of course, what those numbers don’t reflect is that we’re testing exponentially more each week, so of course we’re finding more cases.) I remember the early days of our shut-down and feeling that day after day more was being taken away and restricted. If that were still continuing around me, I think I’d be trying to combat hopelessness.
Loser
Thank you. The worst part is that nearly every small joy, from simply smelling the lilacs in the park, to picking out groceries with my preschooler, driving down to look at the water, to just showing up for a boring day in court and handling my cases is gone. Maybe forever. Certainly for a year or two. And yet the world acts like all of this is fine, small price to pay.
Big things too. My brother died at 34. I gave up seeing him when the lockdown started and now I’ll never see him again. No funeral. No ceremony. Nothing. I have no sibling now and I’m just drifting through life alone in a way Ive never been alone before. My career is crashing and burning. Our financial future is gone.
But somehow it’s the little things, and what feels like gaslighting about the little things not mattering, that’s breaking me.
anon
I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. And everything else. I feel very similar to you.
Honestly, I’d suggest taking a break from this board. There are several posters that contribute to the gaslighting you describe. I don’t think they are representative of what the rest of the world thinks and reading here has not done much for my mental health.
On a more practical note, please call/email/write to your government representatives. I think right now they are only hearing from (1) the anxiety ridden people who think we should be on complete lockdown until there is a vaccine or treatment (that may never come) and (2) the crazy gun wielding people proposing that we just abandon all caution. I think they would benefit from hearing from more level headed people who are in favor of opening. In particular, on schools, I think only super helicopter anxious parents are being vocal to the government on their desire to never open schools unless their kids can be promised 100% safety. Officials would benefit from hearing from more level headed parents.
Anonymous
Maybe get some mental health help. This isn’t gone. Not now. Not for years. Not forever.
coffee bean
I’m so sorry. I feel you and see your pain. Don’t listen to the posters here who continually minimize the mental health and other impacts of the shutdown. It might be necessary from a public health perspective, but there are certainly many, many other consequences that are causing pain and suffering.
Pure Imagination
Are you the same poster who was very anxious about going to the grocery store a few weeks ago? You can go to the store and smell the lilacs and drive to the water now. Those things are still possible and I urge you to go do them to prove it to yourself. Things are different and harder, yes, but so much is still possible. We’re seeing catastrophic thinking in your post and sounds like you might benefit from talking to someone about the stress of this situation; would you consider a telehealth therapist? They can be so helpful to anyone, regardless of whether they have diagnoses of anxiety, depression, or other conditions.
I’m very sorry to hear about your brother. What a terrible loss.
Loser
Yes. And thank you, but no. I can’t go to the water or smell the lilacs due to local restrictions. I know you, PI, favor these things. Please understand I am suffering so much from them. The little things are big for some of us. For the losers I guess.
Im skeptical of teletherepy, especially since my child is now constantly within earshot. I think going to a room and just talking about the grief with be amazing, but it’s not possible here. I know I had food anxiety, it was a weird manifestation, I just thought something awful was going to happen. I was right; my brother died.
Anonymous
You need professional help urgently. In no part of Long Island are you prohibited from going to buy groceries not for a walk outside. You can and should be doing these things. Do you have a partner? Put on a white noise machine and do a teletherapy appointment in your bedroom.
Anon
Hey “Loser” – my depression and anxiety are flaring too. I’ve increased my Zoloft. I have a life coach that I find more beneficial than a therapist, in part because we use an app to leave each other messages back and forth when it is convenient, not at a set scheduled time when you may not want to talk. I think there are actual therapy apps out there that let you do the same thing. You owe it to yourself and your child to get the help you need. This is NOT to say that you are crazy for being sad and anxious or that your fears are unfounded. There is natural grief in this process, particularly to mourn the loss of your brother. I’m so very sorry for that loss. Please take care of yourself and consider going somewhere with less restrictions, even briefly.
pugsnbourbon
I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother.
Please, please please try to find a way to do teletherapy, even for just a half-hour or 45 minutes. Could your preschooler sit with an iPad and headphones while you took the call? If you don’t have those things I think it’d be worth the investment.
And it’s not the worst thing if your child sees that you are sad and struggling. They understand feelings (big feelings) and they will see you taking care of yourself. All of that might not gel for a while, but it will. And it’s worth it for your own well-being.
This internet stranger is rooting for you.
Anonymous
You can get evening appointments for teletherapy. One of the significant advantages of teletherapy is that it works across time zones. A therapist in California with 9-5 hours can see you in the evening after your child goes to bed. Please protect your mental health and seek help.
anon
I’m sorry to hear about your brother. Your grief is definitely amplifying your feelings of hopelessness. If you’re not already talking to a grief counselor, I would suggest finding one. Hugs.
Airplane.
I’m so sorry. I think your brother’s passing, your grief and the decision to not have a funeral or ceremony are effecting your mental state much more and you are focusing on the lockdown and catestrophizing about it instead of processing your grief. I’m sure the lockdown is not helping but have you gotten some tele-therapy or some help processing your grief during this restricted time?
Anonymous
It wasn’t my decision. It was the state of ny’s decision.
Airplane.
I’m sorry for your loss. And that you couldn’t do the funeral and ceremony to grieve your brother the way I’m sure you wanted. I reiterate, are you talking to a professional about this? You are not a loser. This is not forever. Take a step back from the internet.
Several popular beaches on Long Island opened last weekend! There is reduced capacity and social distancing. Under guidelines set by Cuomo, reopening is tied to metrics including hospital capacity and trends in fatality rates.
anon
Lift your mask off your face and bend down to smell the lilac. Then put it back on. Gently, you keep saying that this is a “forever” situation and there is zero objective evidence that this is accurate. It sounds like you are grieving the loss of your brother and feeling significant anxiety over your career– I beg you to seek professional help to help you deal with your loss and your anxiety.
Anonymous
Yes. Do this. You can. It is okay.
LaurenB
T”he worst part is that nearly every small joy, from simply smelling the lilacs in the park, to picking out groceries with my preschooler, driving down to look at the water, to just showing up for a boring day in court and handling my cases is gone. Maybe forever. Certainly for a year or two. And yet the world acts like all of this is fine, small price to pay.”
We can’t win for losing. If we say yeah, it’s really a bummer that we can’t currently smell the lilacs in the park and groceries with the preschooler, we get accused of being elitist and privileged because after all, we’re (mostly) office workers with ability to WFH, not business owners who have to watch their businesses die, or essential workers who are subject to Covid risk all day long without sufficient PPE. But if we say no, it’s really not that big of a deal that we can’t currently smell the lilacs in the park and it’s a small price to pay, then we get accused of being sheep who will do whatever our lord master local government tells us to do, and it’s one step from mandatory masks to ThoughtCrime.
Anonymous
I worry about local elected people in hotspots worried about optics in an election year. If they do more testing (happening), there will be more cases (also happening; at least my local people seem to care about % of + cases out of all tests run and # hospitalized and % hospital capacity unused, which is reassuring, but I feel very rare and lucky in this regard). And then the crackdown begins.
I do worry how as a people we’d survive anything really bad (e.g., Syria) with such large #s of our population unable to feed their families during peacetime with relatively stable food supplies. Like our schools didn’t want to close b/c of this and held off b/c so many people rely on them for 2 meals/day (and programs that continue this into the summer each year). I get that people can be poor, but it seems that a lot of programs delivery ready-to-eat meals because supplying ingredients often still results in kids going hungry (perhaps the parents are away working or have addiction issues, but the numbers are staggering). I feel that something is horribly wrong for a lot of kids and this has really focused attention on that (but not showing a solution other than reopening schools; none of this is remotely focused on academics).
Anonymous
What on earth?!? We wouldn’t survive Syria. Obviously. Just like the Syrians didn’t.
Also “I get that people can be poor” is just really honestly what are you do you never read how are you like this?!?
Anonymous
I think it’s that a large segment of many cities is having a hard time surviving in peacetime. Many large city school systems in hotspots didn’t stay open for academics. They stayed open because otherwise a large segment of kids there would not have food to eat.
The Lone Ranger
Or a safe place for kids to be during the day. I live in a fairly wealthy county with some pockets of poverty, and our large school system has “lost” almost 10,000 children during this shutdown.
Anon
What does this mean? They don’t know where they are? They have stopped “going” to school virtually?
anon
Not who you are responding to but yes, there are students all across America who have either stopped or never even started attending “virtual school”. Not everyone has access to a computer/tablet and/or reliable internet.
Anonymous
“What does this mean? They don’t know where they are? They have stopped “going” to school virtually?”
Yes. I don’t know if Anonymous at 10:39 and I are in the same community but a large number of kids never “showed up” online or continued participating in school in any way after school went to distance learning. The theory is that the families didn’t have access to technology or didn’t have parents who cared enough to pay attention to what was going on and get their kids re-engaged with school. The school district has no idea where those children are, if they are safe, if they are getting fed, etc. There’s concern.
Here’s the reality, and I don’t like it but it is what it is: schools are basically in a demi-parental role in American society. Our public schools provide breakfast, lunch, healthcare services, clothing, food to take home to eat on the weekends, etc. Closing the schools and sending kids home would be an okay move if kids were safe and provided for at home. Bottom line, many kids are not. I think it’s awful and I wish that could change but until it does, we need to prioritize reopening the schools.
Anonymous
Once our school system anounced that things wouldn’t be graded, a lot of people probably dropped out. If you are WFH with kids, keeping up with their things (send 5 different ways, at random times, with links and passwords that sometimes don’t work) is a PITA.
Anon
In the cheapest neighborhoods of NYC, a studio apartment is around $1000-1200 a month, a 1 bedroom $1200-1400. A monthly metrocard, which you need if you commute by public transit to a job 5 or more days a week, is $127. Electricity can be $30-60, though water, gas and heat are usually included in the rent. School runs from 8:00 – 2:30 pm, if you work any other hours you will need additional, paid, childcare. A small number of schools have subsidized aftercare centers that run until 5:00 pm, but not later than that. Paid aftercare costs $400-700 a month and usually runs until 6:00 pm.
Most minimum wage jobs hesitate to let anyone work more than 30 hours a week for fear that people would qualify for benefits, which they don’t want to provide. They also often require early, late and weekend hours that are not covered by school hours. If you can manage to cobble together 40 hours a week, at $15 a n hour, that’s $2400 before taxes, so under $2000 after taxes. If you and your child live in a cheap studio, then after rent, electric and metrocard, you have $600 left every month — just enough to pay for childcare to get to your job. If your job caps you at 30 hours a week, and the hours they give you every week vary so much that it’s hard to keep a second job, that’s $1800 a month pre-tax.
This is why a lot of kids go hungry. The numbers just don’t work.
Anonymous
I think the math should also factor in free/reduced lunch and often free breakfast at many schools, plus food stamps and medicaid and chip and SSDI and other cash and non-cash assistance that these families get. EITC and food stamps are significant sources of benefits, so it’s not just cash compensation.
Anonymous
What? This is not going to go on for years. The goal is to flatten the curve to keep cases at a manageable level until widespread vaccination is availble. Flattening the curve took longer than expected because it was more widespread before things shut down. Vaccine will likely be ready by mid to late 2021, possibly early 2022. There’s no giant worldwide conspiracy. The lockdown in the US is significantly less restrictive than in many other democratic countries with fewer cases. Things will open up, life will be more normal and from time to time there will be hotspots requiring more restrictions and the cycle will continue.
Anon
I have more or less adjusted to the lockdown. I don’t have kids, so schools remain closed doesn’t impact me. However, the goal of flattening the curve was to give hospitals time to prepare, never to keep cases at a manageable level until widespread vaccination is available.
Anonymous
Right. This is why we are seeing widespread outrage and people just abandoning compliance with social distancing, mask guidelines, etc. Even by people who aren’t out there waving guns and American flags around. The rhetoric used to justify the shutdowns has completely shifted from “this is a temporary measure to flatten the curve until hospitals can prepare” to “this is a maybe non-temporary measure to flatten the curve indefinitely because reasons.” I am very sorry for the people who are living in an alternate reality of their own creation, but back in March there was no discussion of lockdown restrictions lasting until we had herd immunity or a vaccine. That only got introduced into the conversation later. I think calling the rhetoric shift a “bait and switch” is pretty accurate.
anon
+1
Batgirl
They’re public health orders. They don’t really need your permission to evolve if the public health crisis evolves or if we discover that it’s worse than we realized (which it is). I don’t like this either, but the threat is very real, and I would like to see us act together as a country to reduce the risks as long as possible while minimizing disruptions as much as possible. It’s not either/or, it’s and/both.
Quail
I agree that the messaging has been inconsistent, but I don’t think it’s a “bait and switch” so much as the fact that everyone, including all levels of government and scientists, just don’t have the information we’d like and that the information/research we do have keeps changing. This definitely could have been mitigated by federal leadership not burying their heads in the sand in the beginning (as they had the most information and ability to do something about it). But from all I’ve seen, even experts are frustrated by the virus and how little we know about it. I’m trying to see the changing instructions/restrictions as a good thing long term – it’s reflecting new information about how the virus spreads (through the air) and more information can only help us in the long run. But in the short term, it totally sucks.
Pure Imagination
I truly don’t understand the “but that’s not what you said in March!” attitude. Wasn’t it clear all along that this is a pandemic that is rapidly changing and that guidance had to evolve? Yes, it sucks, yes, we’re all frustrated, but sticking to “nope, that’s not what you said!” is unhelpful and stubborn. There’s no “bait and switch” – this is how pandemics work.
Anonymous
The reasoning was never to allow the hospitals to prepare. It was to reduce the spread so the system is not overwhelmed. All the graphics about Philadelphia vs St. Louis during Spanish flu were used as examples. The purpose of the lockdown has not changed at any point. It was and continues to be to flatten the curve to keep covid Cases at or below hospital capacity. Public health orders have evolved as they should to address new information about the disease – eg mask wearing guidance. There will be no lockdown until vaccine. Many places are already opening up. Public Health orders will continue to evolve – as they should – in response to new information about spread and treatments. Many of us will get covid at some point, we’re just trying to avoid everyone getting it at the same time (exponential spread) so the hospitals are able to treat all patients.
anon
To everyone saying the situation has changed, I don’t disagree but this is really a problem with messaging. So much of the messaging seems to be “of course we must remain in lockdown, this was always the plan” which is going to be received very differently than “we now have more information and although our original plan was x, we now need to do y”
Anon
The message I heard in March included the need for time to ramp up testing in a way that still has not happened.
anon
See, I don’t think that lock down “until hospitals can prepare” was the goal. It’s not like there was a known, objective, quantifiable goal that would mark sufficient “preparedness” that would let us just keep operating at normalcy but where hospitals still had sufficient capacity to care for those who got sick. It’s not like all hospitals everywhere were going to build up a stock of PPE, ventilators, build temporary expansions in their parking lots and say “yep, we’re good, back to your lives, we can take everyone who gets sick.” The purpose of lockdown was to keep infections at manageable rates— ie, beneath hospitals’ capacity to care for the sick. Yes, the task was to increase capacity of the health care system, but we must also do our part to keep infections down. Does it mean lock down forever? No. But it doesn’t mean give hospitals a few months to grab some ventilators and then resume business as usual.
You say, “because reasons,” but come on. The reasons are obvious. To prevent people from getting sick and dying.
“I think calling the rhetoric shift a “bait and switch” is pretty accurate.”
Or, a combination of misunderstanding by much of the public and updated recommendations based on our evolving knowledge of the situation.
LaurenB
I couldn’t disagree more that it was bait and switch. Information evolved as the nature of the pandemic changed. If we’d started earlier, we would have been better off, but you can’t change the past, only learn from you. The only “widespread outrage” I see is from the losers waving their AR-15s at elected officials, with their incoherent signs and their swastikas and Confederate flags. Those people were losers then and losers now, and most normal people, regardless of how they feel about the balance of economy-vs-public-health, disdain such people.
Anonymous
I don’t know where you are but that has been explicitly been the goal in many states, Canada and Western Europe. There are a finite number of doctors/nurses/respiratory therapists etc. Hospitals can only do so much to ‘prepare’ – flattening the curve is about keeping the caseload at or below hospital capacity so that patients can receive treatment. Many of us will catch it at some point , we are just trying to avoid everyone getting it at the same time like happened in Italy and totally overwhelming the system.
LaurenB
Right. It’s very odd to think that the goal was merely to give the hospitals time to lay in a couple dozen / hundred / thousand ventilators and then carry on. That was *part* of it, but the messaging was always very clear about the need to flatten the curve to give the medical community time to work on treatments and/or vaccines, and to be able to ramp up widespread testing. I think some people just weren’t paying attention, that’s all.
Anon
It’s going to be more than “hotspots” without adequate contact tracing and testing. It’s going to be full-on spread, especially given widespread refusal to social distance. This point is made on nearly every thread.
Anonymous
Right — it is incredibly contagious it seems, so it will spread, but it is survivable for many people (the asymptomatic + people), if not most people (something I read over the weekend has the case fatality rate at .5%, but with such horrible spread #s that there will be many people who will die even at that very low rate). I think that people likely to have bad cases will need to isolate for a long period going forward and be incredibly careful. I think the rest of us will probably get it eventually but that we will be OK and will be smart about not being offended at our vulnerable friends and relatives choosing to stay away from those of us who need to go out and work, have medical procedures, and have our kids in group care or schools.
Pure Imagination
It’s not just vulnerable people getting very sick, though. Case reports about strokes in otherwise healthy young people have risen, not to mention the new complication in kids. You’re right that the fatality rate is low, but I don’t think any of us want to go through the disruption of a prolonged hospitalization and major complications, even if we do recover.
Anonymous
The complications in kids are generally (mostly? exclusively?) in kids with many existing significant health challenges (feeding tubes, etc.). I don’t know why that wasn’t mentioned in the very alarmist stories I’ve read, but when you factor that in, and the lack of other sicknesses, I don’t think that it is a realistic risk for my children.
Anon
Those major complications are also exceedingly rare. There have been a few hundred kids with the inflammatory syndrome, and what, a minimum of a couple hundred thousand confirmed cases in kids? That puts that complication rate at about 1/1000 or .1% and in reality it’s surely much lower than that, because there are so many cases we don’t know about. The vast majority of kids who have the inflammatory syndrome never even received a positive Covid test and this aren’t included in confirmed case counts (to the extent it’s being linked to Covid, it’s mostly through antibody tests).
It is not an exaggeration to say that flu is more likely to lead to hospitalization and death in kids, even taking this inflammatbut please don’t imply that a unique
Anon
Gah last paragraph got messed up.
Please don’t imply that this extraordinary rare syndrome means that the risk of complications in kids is high. It’s not at all. I don’t know as much about the stroke risk but I understand that is incredibly rare too and people have done data analyses that show the odds of a young person having a stroke from this are incredibly rare. (Also I’d point out that because strokes afflict the elderly, “young” in the stroke world typically means under 60, which isn’t how most people use the term “young.)
Anonymous
It is survivable for most people but will still need to keep caseload at or below hospital capacity so those with medium or serious cases can get treatment and so that hospitals have capacity to continue to treat ‘ordinary’ events like car accidents and heart attacks and cancer.
Anon
I used to think this, but after talking with friends/family that have had it, I’m not so sure. Also— I am in the SEUS in a city with relatively low transmission. Only one of the people I know that had it had it locally. Every week, I find out about someone new that had symptoms in early to mid-March but hadn’t said anything. One friend, who is healthy and 30, had a very mild case– no fever, cough/shortness of breath for less than a week. She still has tightness in her chest over two months later. Another family friend– late 50s, healthy, went to an urgent care and had O2 levels in the 80s. She survived but is still recovering.
LaurenB
Meanwhile, our local hospital is doing a lot of antibody testing because everyone who coughed and sneezed more than once in February seems to want to believe that they had a mild case of Covid. Guess what? They’re finding it’s exceptionally rare that the “I was sick in February” crowd had it. It’s all what people want to believe.
cbackson
@LaurenB: Yeah, there are tons of people who are now sure that that they had in March was covid. In fact, I see people all over the internet asserting that they had covid, and then they clarify that they actually just had but believe that it was covid. Meanwhile, people are forgetting that part of what makes covid tough is that the symptoms are shared with many other respiratory illnesses (and allergies!).
My fiancee and I were both very sick in March, although we assumed it was severe allergies or a bad cold. We later learned we had been exposed to someone with covid. We were both antibody tested and…it was negative! Because it really was probably just severe allergies or a bad cold.
I live in Atlanta and know one person who is confirmed positive for covid. He had zero symptoms (he was tested because he was having outpatient surgery). His most likely point of exposure was a wedding in March pre-lockdown – 30 guests have tested positive. He’s in his 50s and isn’t in great health so he’d been strictly isolating since other than doctor appointments…they think he’s just one of those people who remains positive for a long time.
anon
This may just be a factor of living in NYC but actually I know a ton of people who thought they had a cold/flu in February/March but did test positive for antibodies. I think this was here way sooner than anyone realized in NYC but agree that’s likely not the case for much of the country.
anon
Indefinite is not the same as forever. Please seek help for your anxiety.
Loser
I was for my brother though. What I thought was a few weeks turned into never seeing him again. He was extra anxious and I was the one say “don’t be silly, it’s just a few weeks.” Now he’s gone and I’ll never get those days back.
Anonymous
Yes and this is horribly horribly sad and you are grieving and that is normal and very clear from your posts. But you’re also majorly catastropizing the current situation and would really benefit from therapy and I hope you are getting the support you need.
anon2
That is incredibly tragic and I am sorry for your loss. However, the two are separate issues. The forever is absolutely relevant for the loss of your brother. The forever of lockdown is not a thing. Places are indeed opening up whether people like it or not.
Loser
What I mean is, we’re not guaranteed to be here months or years from now. I really thought my brother had time. He did too. He lived his last weeks totally isolated, mostly because I was trying to be a responsible citizen. Living life, hoping that on some distant day things will be better, just seems wrong right now. Especially when the flattened curve just got us so little progress. For some people this is all the have.
Anonymous
If you think the flattening the curve did not result in progress, you do not understand how bad it was in Italy. NYC was bad but it could have been much much worse.
LaurenB
I’m sorry for your loss, but the social distancing, masks, and lockdowns WORKED. Things could have been so much worse. I think you are conflating your brother’s situation with the lockdown in general.
Loser
I meant progress towards normalcy. We have very little.
anon2
Honestly, after reading your responsive comments here “Loser” (and I do no not think you are a loser), you are not going to accept any of our suggestions because you do not want to/are not ready to. There is nothing we can say that will make you feel better because you are unwilling to recognize that there are options or ways to feel better, I suspect because of your grief and potentially also because of anxiety/depression. For you and your family, I strongly encourage you to seek help even if it means your child sees you looking sad/upset. It’s okay to be sad/upset in front of your child.
anon
But this is still your grief and anxiety talking and not the restrictions per se. Your grief distorting your perceptions of the current situation which is causing you so much extra pain beyond just the tragic loss of your brother. This is why people are suggesting that you seek professional help–the loss of a sibling is truly, truly tragic and you deserve to get the help you need.
Anon
Would it help if you plan for a worst case scenario? Does your job let you work remote currently? Can you plan to move somewhere that is not so extreme? I understand such an option is extreme in and of itself but you sound very (possibly rightfully) anxious right now.
Anon
Yeah, I think there has become a large divide – a lot of the country *is* opening up, but a lot of major cities (the states of NY, CA, & IL specifically) are not only not open, but had significantly stricter restrictions than the rest of the country anyway. I don’t think you’re a loser, and I thought LaurenB’s comment yesterday calling people complaining about restrictions losers was heartless and rude, but she has a pattern of that, so I just try to ignore her.
Honest question – have you thought about moving? I will say, watching Some of these restrictions seem to speak to a specifically overly strict and incompetent local government.
Loser
I have thought of moving. It’s a weird irony that, as a liberal, I’m considering moving to a red state to make sure my kid can get an education.
Anonymous
We’re doing the same. If schools don’t reopen here in the fall, we’re pretty confident at least a couple of neighboring states that have already substantially reopened will open their schools, and we’ll just move so he can go to school. My husband has incredibly portable and in-demand skills and I can work remotely indefinitely, so it won’t be difficult. We love our house and our community so it will be heartbreaking, but I can’t sacrifice my kid’s education because our governor wants to look good in the national media.
Anonymous
Please do not uproot your family and move because you haven’t made efforts to treat your anxiety with professional help and medication.
Anonymous
I love when our armchair psychoanalysts chime in to the conversation; these kinds of comments add so much depth and nuance to the dialogue.
Anonymous
Um, schools aren’t going to open b/c someone gets CBT or not. Schools are going to open not in NYC, Chicago, etc.
anon
Huh? She’s saying she’s considering moving so her kid can go to school. Whether she has anxiety or not isn’t going to change whether schools in her area are open in the fall.
Anonymous
Her kid is a preschooler – moving across the country so a preschooler can go to school is not a logical plan.
Anon
My red state has basically admitted that schools are not reopening in the fall, even though the state is supposed to be fully opened by July. Unfortunately it’s a lose-lose for kids because blue states want to keep everyone locked down forever and red states don’t value education and don’t care at all about working parents have accessing to affordable childcare, so they’re fine keeping schools closed but letting people go back to gyms and bars. We’re seriously thinking about moving abroad in the fall – pretty much every non-US country has found a way to have school.
anon
Thank you for saying this last sentence. I feel like the fact that the rest of the world is figuring out how to have school gets glossed over in many of these conversations.
Anonymous
Yes, it’s crazy to me that in pretty much all of Europe and Asia kids are returning to school, but in the US people are just throwing up their hands and saying “meh, kids spread germs! No school!” I’m a daycare mom, and I get that young kids spread germs easily but the virus is also less dangerous to them than the flu, and it’s just so frustrating that the rest of the world can figure out a way to have school and we don’t even care to try. Like, everyone says there’s going to be a resurgence in the fall, so why wasn’t summer school ever discussed? It just seems like school is at the bottom of everyone’s priority list and the result is going to be distance learning for another full academic year and possibly even longer.
anonchicago
Definitely makes me want to move. Chicago has among the strictest lockdown in the country despite not being in the top 5 cities for cases or deaths per capita. In other cities, people are allowed to exercise in major parks and in some cases streets were shut down to cars to permit more walkers and runners. Central Park and prospect park were never shut down and id argue there was a lot more Covid transmission in those parks than the Chicago lakefront.
Instead, we have people crowded in their houses or overwhelming major roads, police shooing people out of my neighborhood dog park instead of fighting actual crime, a mayor who gets her own hair cut but can’t set dates for opening salons and restaurants, and a governor who says groups of 50 will be outlawed until a vaccine is available. I want to move so bad.
Anonymous
I was so excited when Lightfoot was elected and now I wish Rahm was in charge. He would not be making these mistakes.
anon
Ugh LaurenB’s comment was specifically about people up in arms about wearing masks. Also calling her out on a separate thread just so you could mischaracterize what she wrote is hardly “ignoring her.”
Anon
It’s probably her stalker. Pure Imagination has one too, probably the same person. So creepy.
Loser
It was hurtful. It’s so confusing to constantly be told that small joys and comforts are just so unimportant. I’ve lost a lot in this. I want to go breathe some fresh air at the beach or in the park, but wanting to do that makes me a loser according the the loudest person on this board.
Pure Imagination
But that’s not what people are saying. We all agree the little victories are important and being outside is essential to health, especially right now. You are allowed to leave your house to go for a walk in nature and you should, immediately. Again, I’m so sorry about your brother.
Airplane.
Small joys and comforts are not unimportant! You don’t need people on this board to confirm for you that you’ve lost a lot in this, but I will. You have. It’s ok to grieve.
Several beaches on Long Island opened last weekend with new rules for reduced capacity and social distancing – go get some fresh air! LaurenB is not the loudest person on this board. Step away and it will help.
Losers
Look breathing through a mask is unpleasant for us losers. You winners don’t get it.
anon
Ok you’re starting to seem t r o l l y. Hope you find a more productive way to channel your grief. Good luck to you.
Anonymous
No one is saying that! Of course those things are important! We agree with you!
You can go to the park. You can go outside. You may not be able to go to your local beach yet but beaches are reopening. You can go to a store.
Anonymous
Maybe I’m being a jerk but I’m getting a troll vibe here.
Anonymous
You’re either stirring up drama or need way more mental health help than this board can provide. I hope you get that help.
Anonymous
I agree about the T r o l l vibe. Both here and on her earlier grocery store thread the OP was very quick to respond to any type of more inflammatory comments but ignored comments with practical suggestions from people familiar with her geographic location.
anon
I’d normally agree but clearly OP of this thread felt attacked by LaurenB’s comments given the handle she chose to post under. So in this particular case, I don’t think specifically highlighting LaurenB’s comment and telling OP to ignore it off is uncalled for.
LaurenB
Yes. Of course we all miss the little pleasures in life. My comment was specifically about wearing masks, and how minor of a “sacrifice” that is, IMO.
Look – in WWII, we faced a common enemy. Our grandfathers stormed the beaches of Normandy at great personal sacrifice; their loved ones at home made do with rations / shortages of sugar, meat, gasoline, rubber, stockings — all kinds of things – because there was valor in unity. But now with this common enemy of Covid – wearing a mask and keeping 6 feet away is just such a sacrifice? If this shoe doesn’t fit you, don’t wear it. I feel VERY bad for the businesses who are dying / having to let people go, etc. But no, I don’t feel all that bad about having to wear a mask.
Anon
I am not the poster who made comment about LaurenB. However I wholeheartedly agree is an all around insensitive person (unless it is her and her family)
Anon
+1. I have made critical comments toward her in the past but haven’t been involved in this thread. It’s so silly to think it’s just one “stalker” who finds her attitude off-putting.
Anonymous
+2 it definitely isn’t just one person.
Anon 2.0
I am in a part of the country that is re-opening and I cannot imagine living in an area with super strict restrictions. I agree with another poster who said this was a complete bait and switch. I am also concerned that we as a society cannot seem to have an educated conversation about the real civil liberties violations that are occurring. At some point, we must assess the risk. Life is not without risks, and this virus is no different. For me, I have weighed the risks and the positives, and made a decision that I am comfortable to return to in store shopping and restaurants, for example, but would not go to any large gatherings. As the weather gets warmer, I highly suspect mask wearing compliance will drop as well. We need to start talking about how we are going to live with the virus, and not hide away in fear of any possible risk (high risk people obv. excluded).
Anonymous
Idk I’m in a pretty restricted area and it’s fine? Loads of people died here. We are mostly really grateful for a gradual reopening. We can walk. Parks have reopened. We can have small group gathering. Shops are probably opening within a month. And to go cocktails are now legal. It’s not great but it’s not what the original poster of this thread is describing at all.
Anonymous
Strip clubs to the rescue (at least in my state). They are suing for viewpoint discrimination (or something else where I think they have a fighting chance at winning). They have already sued over PPP loans (viewpoint discrimination against the Treasury) and won.
Frustrated
I read some of the comments but not all.
I was all in favor of lockdown. Flatten the curve. Keep the hospitals from being overwhelmed. Get enough PPE and ventilators. But enough is enough.
I’m in Washington State, where our weak governor has said we (Seattle Metro area) can’t move to Phase II until we have some unreachable and impossible goal of low new cases for three weeks. Originally it was NO new cases for three weeks which is not possible for any major metropolitan area in the US. Some Washington counties are opening but we will not see it – in my opinion- until September or later if there is a second wave. Originally we were to go to Phase II on June 1.
They are threatening not to reopen schools in the fall. How are parents (especially low-wage parents) supposed to work when they have no childcare? What about my niece and nephew that are supposed to graduate in 2021?
I’ve never demonstrated or written an elected official before, though I always vote and read NYT, WaPo and BBC regularly. I’ve written our governor and my reps and offered to join in lawsuits. This lockdown will kill many restaurants and small businesses, many of which have already closed. We’ve lost three in our neighborhood.
They only reason we have more positive cases in our area is BECAUSE WE ARE TESTING MORE. There will still be positive tests, probably for 12-18 months. We’ve tested more per population than 41 other states, and 8 states with worse numbers than ours (cases, deaths, positive tests per population) are already open for dining, libraries, gyms and other important social nets like schools and day-cares. The only reason that our governor is focused on testing and new cases is because he is afraid to open without impossibly low numbers and afraid of a seeming stupid.
We must open soon or life will never be the same. One in three Americans is showing signs of clinical anxiety or depression according to the Washington Post this week. I think that people who need to work at home should work at home. My parents in assisted living can be protected with testing, lockdown and PPE. But the rest needs to open. Phase II today. I am so frustrated.
anon
I agree with everything said here.
HFB
Ladies, let’s talk hats. I have developed an extreme sensitivity to the sun and will need to wear a hat all summer. First, does anyone know where I can get a plain solid colored baseball cap with no logo or words on it, preferably a light color? Next, what kind of non-sporty hats do you guys like? I love the look of extra wide brimmed straw hats on others but I on me I feel they make me look like a mushroom, because I am so short. A lot of the smaller brimmed straw hats lok kind of grandma-like on me, I feel. So I’d love to see what the rest of you hat-wearers are wearing for the summer! TIA!
Curious
REI has simple wicking baseball caps that sound like what you are looking for!
Curious
For example https://www.rei.com/product/145187/brooks-sherpa-hat
But just search hats and filter to ball caps!
Anonymous
Cosign — bald husband has these stashed in every vehicle and backpack. He is a big REI fan with no room for head suncare errors.
Cat
For the straw hat — check out JCrew’s packable straw hat collection. The one labeled “wide brim” is actually more medium so might work, or the regular panama style does provide the amount of expected shade. They are fairly breathable since the fabric is more flexible but do note reviewers advise the ‘packable’ description is not entirely accurate.
While looking that up, I see JCrew also has plain baseball caps in a variety of colors – but for $40?? Ahem.
Anon
I know they have logos on them, but the Vineyard Vines hats are really nice.
Anonymous
Sol a mer makes the best hats. If you have an extreme sun sensitivity a baseball hat isn’t good enough. You need the brim.
Anonymous
I’ve been looking for these hats but couldn’t remember the name! THANK YOUUU
AnonATL
I have a Columbia- brand ball cap I wear for most hot days in the summer and during outdoor activities. Mine is bright blue but they have a lot of different colors depending on whether you go with the women’s or men’s hats. There are some models with the brand spelled out, but you can find them with just their tiny logo as well if you hunt around a bit. Check out their “Coolhead” models. It stays super cool, keeps the sun off me, and I can toss it in the washing machine after getting sweaty. Most cotton ball caps are just way too hot for my head so I prefer the performance materials.
Unfortunately no suggestions on non-ball cap styles. Columbia does make several different styles of those, but they might be a little grandma a well…
Anon
I like my straw hat from Costco last year, although tbh I may just embrace the little old lady look so I can’t tell whether it’s grandma-like or not. Bonus for the chin strap to keep the wind from knocking it off (I’ve lost hats to strong winds before). How about panama hats? I’ve always thought they are cute.
Lilliet
I’ve been wearing the Lanzom Fedora Wide Brim Straw Panama Roll up Hat (from the river site) outside with the kids in the kiddie pool and love it, bought it for a trip I was supposed to take (sad trombone) so now it’s just my backyard hat! It’s foldable and crushable and it’s been fine/retained its shape.
Lilliet
https://www.amazon.com/Lanzom-Women-Panama-Fedora-Khaki/dp/B072BC3CZN/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&qid=1590585319&sr=8-3&srs=14359320011
Anonymous
Just call it Amazon what is this silliness
anon
Thank you. It is silliness.
Lilliet
Usually moderation that takes until the afternoon to be approved
Anon
I thought the word “s i t e” was a moderation keyword and Amazon was not.
anon
Often using that company’s name in a post results in going to m0d
Pure Imagination
No, saying Amazon is fine.
Lilliet
Welp, then something’s changed, because that’s not how it used to be!
Anonymous
I have been here since 07ish and to my knowledge the word Amazon never sent you to m0d. People thought “the river s1te” was cute and it caught on, much like “gardening.”
Abby
what about this from madewell? https://www.madewell.com/denim-baseball-cap-G3329.html?color=EB6337
There’s also a light linen one!
Anon
Love Headsweats. These have a terry band on the inside, and can be tossed in the washing machine. Mine are probably a decade old, so they hold up well.
anne-on
I picked up the Jcrew packable straw hat in one of their last sales. It’s sized so I can make sure it’s not too big (I have a small-ish head, S/M fits great), lightweight, and doesn’t make me sweaty or crush my hair/head like baseball caps do – I really like it!
Link:
https://www.jcrew.com/p/shops/50_off_select_styles/accessories/packable-straw-hat/F1722?color_name=straw
Sunshine
What about a colored straw hat? I wear a large blue straw hat (clearly it isn’t actually straw) and it feels like a statement item while also protecting my skin. Mine is Eric Javitz (a gift), but there must be less expensive options.
Gail the Goldfish
I’ve got a Tilley Wanderer hat that I bought a few years ago that I kind of adore. Yes, it looks like you’re going on a safari (and that was what I bought it for). I consider that a feature, not a bug.
Anonymous
I have lupus, which comes with an intense sun sensitivity for me. I live in the desert and love to be outside, hiking, etc. A few years ago, I bought the Kuhl Sun Dagger Hat from REI and it is amazing. It is not hot. It is comfortable. It stays on in the wind, and it provides a good amount of sun protection for head, neck, and shoulders. I rarely go outside during the daylight without it!
Aunt Jamesina
Madewell makes a few plain linen or cotton/linen baseball caps. I like straw hats at the beach and with dresses every once in awhile because they’re cute, but they get in the way and take more fussing than a baseball cap.
Elderlyunicorn
I don’t find baseball hats to offer enough coverage/protection, to be honest.
I have this hat: https://www.zappos.com/p/scala-big-brim-cotton-sun-hat-turquoise/product/8419610/color/711 and love it. Rolls up/packs really easily, you can adjust the brim up or down and rest your head on the back on a beach chair.
Lydia
Wallaby has nice hats that are specifically designed for blocking UV rays — they have some cute ones (and also some that skew towards gardening and/or safari). I have a Ranger Rick style hat I like from them, and considering another, more feminine style. Also in my rotation: a packable black straw-style hat from madewell, which I would recommend highly. Target also always has hats in the spring/summer, and often there are a few cute sun styles. A brim that’s woven in a spiral shape and/or with some plastic thread in it often stays out of your eyes better than other straw styles, in my experience. Oh! overstock places like 6pm.com also can ve a good resource for cute hats.
Anonia
I’ve got a nice Lululemon visor, random free baseball caps from my bank etc, and two nicer sun hats from Northface and Arcteryx/REI that can be worn kayaking and in the pool. They are in a basic shape and neutral colors so they’ve lasted for years. Straw hats make my head itch. Cotton gets hot and sweaty and then stays wet.
Senior Attorney
I have one similar to this that I wear constantly: https://www.columbia.com/pfg-bonehead-straw-hat-CU9080.html?dwvar_CU9080_variationColor=163#q=women's%2Bhats&prefn1=EChatStyle&prefv1=Straw+Hat&start=0
I like it because the brim is not too small and not too wide.
Is it Friday yet?
I have a Walleroo that I love, it’s got a huge brim and is foldable/packable. I’ve worn it to music festivals and to the beach and on desert safari and it’s great.
Anonymous
Try Coolibar, they have SPF clothing that’s decently attractive. That’s where I bought my sun hat!
BlueAlma
+1 to Coolibar
The Frenchie is my favorite kid
+2
I wear a ton of coolibar clothing and hats, as do my kids – for sports and beach
I can often find it through amazon, which seems to work better than their actual store site
anon
Athleta has one that’s really cute. Last I checked, it came in a reddish-orange, blue and black.
jnon
I actually found my sunhat from one of the coffee break posts here! It is a Wallaroo — i have the petite scrunchie. I am short and have a tiny head and this hat fits me well. It is packable, water friendly, and provides great shade. It also comes in several colors. I’ve had it for a year + and I am really happy with it!
Anon
Re: non-sporty hats. Go to the hats section at Dillard’s, if one is near you, and try some on.
Anonymous
I forget some places allow this. No in person shopping for us!
lemon
Any of the stores open in my area won’t let you try on anything (fitting rooms closed) and have signs about not trying on other merch. YMMV
Kids swimming
Our pool’s swim team is cancelled for the year. It was a sweet fun activity that finally got my kids enough physical activity during the day and let them be outside and off of their devides (boo homeschooling and being shut in for months). We initially did it as a life skill — we have lots of pools and water here and people probably drown weekly (kids going in without grownups, people who never learned how to swim, etc.). Kiddos have evolved so that they are really good at breaststroke but otherwise not very good at other strokes, which is fine b/c we aren’t pursuing this from a team sports angle for later. I don’t want to do anything with 3x practices a week b/c I’d need to get a driving nanny just for that. But I do like for them to stay at their skill level and without a thing like swim team, IDK how you keep competent swimmers competent swimmers. They are in early middle school and a bit too young to do the lifeguarding workshops. Is there some sort of “junior masters swimming for recreational noncompetitive swimmers” to look into? I feel like not doing anything for a year is a good way to abandon swimming and I don’t think that that is good. And this seems to be the age at which competitive swimmers diverge and I’m not sure what the rest of us do instead just to keep at it. I am not sure if swimming has a merit badge in scouting (but if it is, I bet that is done at sleep-away camps that are cancelled also this summer).
I feel like grownups get to do sports and activities at our own pace and for kids, it is very devote-your-life-and-your-mom’s-life-to-X or nothing.
anne-on
No advice, but OMG YES to your last sentence. I intentionally noped out of soccer and little league because in our area the little league funnels to teams that are regularly in the little league world series and it gets INTENSE early on. And for soccer, after about 6, all the teams require travel. Which, no, sorry, not doing for my 1st or 2nd grader.
I wish your attitude was more common. I mostly commiserate with the moms of some of the other similarly ‘sportingly challenged’ kids (skinny, short, averse to contact) and we’re defaulting to tennis and other racquet sports, bike riding, golf, and then possibly rowing and sailing once they’re a bit older (in New England, on the water, these are all pretty common and even taught by the local Y’s and community centers, so not too $$).
Anon
Advantage of having them learn to sail: when they are in late high school, teaching sailing to kids is a fun and well-paying summer job.
Anonymous
Just take them to the pool and let them swim. If swim team is canceled there won’t be another swim team. If you really want to be intense about this hire a lifeguard for a group lesson once a week but that’s super extra.
mascot
So I took every swim lesson offered and swam summer league growing up, then one year of JV in middle school and then stopped until college when I took lifeguarding and instructor courses. I was never the fastest in the pool, but I knew stroke technique and water safety, I wouldn’t say that not doing year-round competitive swimming is a bar to being a strong swimmer. If they are interested in lifeguarding at some point, they will need to have a decent front crawl (freestyle), sidestroke, and be able to tread water really well. The last two aren’t things that swim teams generally focus on. Can you get them some lessons or watch videos if you feel like they need to improve on those skills? Water polo drills are actually great for both of those. Encourage them to play games and have races in the pool. Keep it fun. Can you go swim laps with them if you want to do it for exercise?
Anon
You’re completely overthinking this. The way that you get middle schoolers to continue to be good swimmers is to get a family membership at the local YMCA that has a pool; the entire family goes for swimming during the lap swim time. If one week isn’t doable because the kids have three tests and dress rehearsal for the school play, you just don’t go that night.
anon
You’re making the assumption that her local YMCA is open…
Anonymous
Stroke clinics? It’s usually a Y (etc.) class you sign up and pay for for kids. As a parent, I loathe having wet hair in the winter and would rather drop my kids at this and go lift. Swimming is great exercise, but I enjoy it based on the weather, etc. And at my Y, if I swim, it’s not with such exertion that the cold pool is anything but miserable. Warm pool FTW.
Anonymous
“The way that you get middle schoolers to continue to be good swimmers is to get a family membership at the local YMCA that has a pool; the entire family goes for swimming during the lap swim time.”
Are you saying this because this is what worked for your family (meaning you and your children that you parent) and you are relaying your own experience?
OP – the way most of our friends with swimming kids have helped them develop skills, outside of swim camp, is through private swim lessons. I have a friend who has a kid who is a competitive swimmer and they are hiring a coach to give her private lessons at her grandma’s home pool, which is allowed by the restrictions where they are. If you don’t have a pool or access to one, it will be tougher, but I think it’s worth asking the community centers/JCCs/country clubs where you are if you’re allowed to bring a private instructor to lap swim for your kids, or if they have people associated with their facility whom you could hire.
Anon
It is literally what my family did with us growing up. We had swim lessons when we were young, because you generally need a professional to teach a person how to do the strokes correctly; after that, we just swam a LOT. I’m now a very strong swimmer (the OP’s goal) and very adept in the ocean.
Anonymous
Thanks for confirming you’re giving parenting advice from the perspective of “I was a kid decades ago and…” Always appreciated. Or not.
Anon
LOL.
Swimming hasn’t changed in the last 20 years, sweetheart. It’s the same thing people have been doing for literally millennia.
anon
Anon at 11:52 — parenting wisdom has been handed down through the ages and is the best possible way to learn to parent. This is how people have learned to parent since time immemorial. How do you think people learned to breastfeed before lactation consultants were on every corner? Their mom showed them from when the did it 25 years ago. So, dial back the unnecessary antagonism. Anon at 11:32, as a parent, i find your perspective from experience valuable.
Anon
Why not regular swimming lessons? I took every level of swimming lesson as a kid before graduating onto synchro, racing, swim teacher and lifeguarding. I have no idea where you are but there are 12 levels for swimming where I am and the higher levels really shift the focus from “swim so you don’t die” to becoming a skilled and energy efficient swimmer. I found in my time teaching that at the middle school age especially kids kind of just flail their limbs and don’t really have much control or precision which the higher levels really teach.
Anon
I spent my summers playing in my above ground pool and my friend’s in-ground pool. Also, going to the beach. That was until I turned 14 and got a job. Swimming for fun still maintains swimming skills!
Airplane.
Is the pool still open? Can’t you just go to the pool a lot and swim without a swim team?
Can they take swim lessons to get better at the other strokes? Maybe hire a swim instructor or college kid lifeguard who doesn’t have a job anymore to help you.
Anonymous
I was one of those who completely devoted my childhood to swimming (my choice, my drive — my parents hated it). For my entire childhood, I was on swim teams. We had many kids who trained with us but did not compete. They came a few days a week, they worked out with us when they wanted, they did stroke drills, and several went on to compete on high school teams for fun. Our local pools also had groups for just lap swims by age, which were incredibly fun.
I second the comments on swim lessons and just going to lap swim as a family. Once you know a stroke well, you don’t lose it by being out of the pool for a long period of time. It comes right back to you.
Anonymous
Do not move to Florida. Swim team there is 6 days a week year round, and twice a day several days a week starting in high school. I have no natural talent but love the water and joined the Y team, and in hindsight I really wish there had been a way to be more half-assed about it. But it was an all or nothing commitment.
To answer your question, honestly I think they will not loose much of their skills even if they never swim at all this summer. In my experience the technical aspects of swimming are like learning to ride a bike – once you learn them, you’ve got them for the most part. (I haven’t swam competitively in 25 years and still remember how to do all the strokes, turns, etc.) The other aspect is strength/aerobic conditioning, which they have most likely already lost after not swimming all winter. So I think they will remain reasonably competent swimmers regardless of how little practice they get, especially if we’re just talking about 1 summer.
anon
We have a great swim school near us that has a swim fit class for non competitive swimmers. Perhaps you could look into something like that, assuming it is business as usual?
Nesprin
I used to teach swimming for fitness for adults and coached masters a few times- we’d accept anyone over 12 with parent’s permission/supervision. Worth asking the local masters club whether they’d take your kids if you went with them- they tend to have practice at standard job compatible hours.
anon
Boy, I feel your last paragraph completely. Not sure if your area has a swim school, but there is one in my town that offers a non-competitive swim league for older kids. My son did it a few years ago when he’d aged out of lessons but wanted to keep swimming without the pressure of meets and total devotion to the sport. So, that may be something to look into: noncompetitive swim leagues. Also your town’s park and rec department or local YMCA may have a program that offers some middle ground between the private leagues and nothing at all.
Alana
Former lifeguard here. I realize the virus has upended a lot, but in my area, public pools have a Junior lifeguard program that seems like it would be the sort of thing that is a good fit for your kids. Also, I agree with the other response that your kids have most likely retained the technical aspects of swimming while losing the conditioning.
Online language classes for tweens
Our school system’s remote learning is a dismal failure (middle school). And next year, we have built-in remote learning, starting early, so things aren’t looking good. Also, it looks like they won’t be exposed to a foreign language now until high school. I’d like to start something this summer on the language front (language to me = fun = going to local restaurants from that culture, maybe dreams of future travel, looking at maps, etc.) vs something strictly academic like math. Are any of the language places that are online good for tweens? One, of course, wants to learn Latin (which I loved) but I’d be happy with something like Spanish / French that they could possibly speak with a live person. Our city does have in-person language groups at the international center and good community college offerings, but those aren’t meeting now, but might in future years.
Anon
I loved taking French classes on Italki for the ease of in-person virtual instruction and scheduling flexibility.
Definitely recommend Emma D(
https://italki.com/teacher/3098183?ref=EC0HDD ) if you’re looking for an engaging certified teacher who can work with kids/teens.
Here’s a referral link: https://italki.com/i/EC0HDD?hl=en-us
(Full disclosure: if you sign up through the link and purchase more than $20 in credits for lessons, we each get $10.)
Anon
Oh, and you can also find Latin and Spanish teachers (or just about any language in the world). I would test out a few teachers on trial lessons until you find one who is a good fit for your kid – you can filter for available times, certification, country of origin, price range, etc to search teachers.
Lydia
Duolingo has Latin and it’s free! also many living languages, obviously, including French and Spanish. maybe start with that and look for a tandem partner?
Anonymous
DuoLingo also has High Valeryian. Not kidding.
Anonymous
Latin should be easy to find online since schools often outsource its teaching and since it’s easy to teach dead languages on minimalist platforms like text chat (and honestly probably since students who motivated to study the languages and words of long dead civilizations overlap a lot with students who are going do all right with distance learning?). When I was teaching as a grad student, I had students who were starting university with years of Latin behind them thanks to online schools.
I know that French and Spanish are also taught at some fully online schools, but I would guess that involves more video chat. I have been thinking about using this time to study a language, so I will be watching this thread with interest.
Ribena
You mention local restaurants but also cooking! I made patatas bravas on Saturday and it wasn’t quite as good as going to the Mediterranean but it helped scratch that itch.
I’ve been doing French on Duolingo and enjoying it.
Anon
I have a screening interview for a legal position at a tech company soon. I’ve been desperately searching for a new job for several years now, so I feel very fortunate and want to make the most of this opportunity. Any general suggestions esp from ladies who work in tech? I’ve done phone interviews before but with mixed results and want to be sure I nail everything I can!
anonn
Is this an attorney position? Not in tech, but in house at a large company, we’re in a small city so we have trouble recruiting. We’ve been pretty shocked at the lack of enthusiasm of candidates in phone screens lately. So, make sure you’re enthusiastic, maybe sit in front of a mirror when you’re on the phone so you can see your enthusiasm, the whole smile on the phone thing is real? ask the interviewer questions, “what’s a typical day like in this role.” Have a few examples from your past work experience ready to give as answers to a variety of questions. We really want you to be the right candidate.
programmer
I’m in tech, but not at all a lawyer. For a phone screen I echo being enthusiastic, emphasize that you can go with the flow and are not “stodgy”. I know, I know, stereotypes, but it may be something in their mind. It depends a lot on the place and how big it is, how their culture it, but practically, have examples you can explain to a non legal person of when you worked on a deadline, when requirements for a project changed, when you had to explain things to a non legal/technical person. Be somewhat knowledgable about their technology and what their goals are (in the Silicon Valley TV show way they may have a very technical product but want to “disrupt an industry” or “make the world a better place”).
I’m sure you’ll do well especially since you’re thinking and asking about this, the phone screen shouldn’t be that intense, and good luck!!
Fly By
Do you have any experience in tech? Is it a large company or a startup? If the former, what division? General advice would be to familiarize yourself with the tech and different parts of the business. But need more info to give more specific advice.
Friday, please
This seems like it goes without saying, but research the company as much as possible. A recruiter at my tech company said it is crazy how many people she interviews that haven’t even researched the basics about the company!
Former in house tech counsel
Agreed. It is obvious who has done the research and who hasn’t. Read recent press releases and SEC filings if publicly traded.
anon
awesome, thanks. It’s a fairly large company but I will read through current press releases/filings. I have no meaningful tech background so I will have to figure out a good response for how I’m a fit for the position (which doesn’t list a tech background as a required qualification, but obviously it would help).
AnonInHouse
Not sure if you’ll see this as it’s late in the day — but I’d say to focus on your ability to learn quickly, be flexible and support the business. I’ve been in-house counsel for a tech company for ten years with no prior technical background. Most general legal (as opposed to IP legal) will not have a tech background. You’ll learn as you go — the ability to ask intelligent questions and show enthusiasm will go a long way. When I interviewed, I was a junior attorney (I’d worked in Biglaw for a few years) and I addressed this issue by describing how I learned the subject of my then-current practice — before joining my firm, I’d never worked on private equity fund formation, but there I was, drafting partnership agreements. I learned there, and I could learn the new subject matter at the tech company, too. Turns out, that was mostly true.
Sunshine
My new Peloton arrives in two weeks! What are your favorite accessories you’ve purchased (does not need to be from Peloton brand)? I saw a hanger for shoes on the back of the bike. I purchased a mat for under the bike. Any other ideas?
anonchicago
Water bottles that actually fit on the bike bc the holders are small. I like the polar bike bottles
Heart rate monitor
Towels
Cleaning wipes
Fan if it’s not close to a window
I didn’t get a spin tray, cabinet, or any of the other accessories I see posted online. They really aren’t necessary.
Sunshine
Which cleaning wipes are you using? Can I just use a damp cloth to wipe down afterward or do I need a commercial product? Thanks for the suggestions!
anonchicago
Wipex as I saw them recommended elsewhere. Can get them on ama zon but seems like stock keeps changing so I can’t link.
Do not clean the screen with wipes as it will dull it over time. I wipe it w a towel.
Anon
Not an accessory, but I recommend if possible you set your bike up so it faces a mirror. I do mostly 30 min runs with arm sections and I need to see myself in the mirror to make sure I’m positioning my arms correctly to follow the instructor.
Congrats! I think you’ll love it!
Anonymous
I got the spintray and used it when I was out of the home and just logged in to answer emails at night. I haven’t used it once since lockdown, though I am glad I have it.
I also bought a few packs of white towels a la what the supply at the gym. I sweat like a beast and my laundry is never caught up enough to have them on hand, so I bought a week’s worth or so.
I also got some additional weights – 10lbs and hopefully buying up to 20s once they become available so I can do some strength classes with heavier weights.
Lastly I got a 4-cube organizer from Target that sits behind the bike. I have one cubbie for my shoes, HRM, etc. DH has one. A third holds the towels and the fourth holds all the paperwork and whatnot they sent with the bike. It’s worked really well and doesn’t’ take much space at all.
I found a lot of ideas (And got the cubbie idea) from Pinterest. Etsy has a few shops that cater to Peloton, too. Enjoy!
Anon
Not specific to Peleton, but for bike trainers in general – get a fan to blow on you while you ride!
anonn
fan, towels, make sure you have a chair/bench something to sit on nearby when you’re putting your shoes on. I’m thinking about getting a chalk board to write out my bike adjustments in case DH or someone else is moving my seat around.
Anon
I’ve heard the shoe hangers for the back of the bike don’t work. And, I didn’t get them because we adjust our bike between all our users, so the shoe hangers would get in the way of that (not actually adjusting it, just making it more cumbersome)
hi hi hi
I’ve had mine for two weeks and one day! I bought the accessories pack, so it came with shoes, headphones, weights (although weights were mailed to me separately), mat and an HRM. I moved a fan we already owned so it blows on me during the ride and purchased a set of small towels. So far nothing else has piqued my interest.
Horse Crazy
What do you make for dinner when it’s HOT outside? I feel like I’m in a rut. It’s in the high 90s here, and I’m so done with the oven. I can stand the stove for a little bit, but not too long. We also have a charcoal grill. Thank you!
Anne
Big salads with some sort of protein (lots of cheese, or cubed tofu, or grilled chicken), fun pasta salads, rice and beans with the beans made in the slow cooker, sesame noodles with vegetable and protein thrown in.
Anonymous
Recent favorite is panzanella – Ina Garten recipe from food network if you google it
We’ve been grilling flank or skirt steak with veggies and chimichurri once every couple weeks
The original Scarlett
Takeout ;)
(Only kinda kidding)
pugsnbourbon
My “cheat” along these lines is to buy a rotisserie chicken – the hot part is done already. I shred it when I get home and top salads, make chicken tacos, etc.
eertmeert
This. I love a giant salad with apple, avocado and gouda cheese, topped with a homemade vinaigrette (1/2 olive oil, 1/2 balsamic vinegar, salt, a ton of garlic powder (like, three shakes more than seems like too much), and herbes de provence. Sometimes I substitute some lemon juice for the olive oil to make it lighter.
Then I through chunks of rotisserie chicken breast on top of that. So good.
Tea/Coffee
Crudite. Seriously, a big platter of cheese and maybe sausage or proscuitto, with some cut up fruit and veg and a dip or hummus or something. Maybe some dried fruit or nuts or a bag of microwaved edamame In pods. With crackers or flatbreads or breadsticks or whatever. This is in heavy rotation at our house and not just in hot weather LOL!
Airplane.
Your favorite grill item (burgers, steaks, I love shrimp skewers) plus a bagged salad and asparagus also on the grill. Watermelon!
Anon
I do deconstructed salads and sandwiches. Just a pile of assorted veg, cut in large chunks so I don’t have to chase them around a bowl, some rolled lean meats, marinated olives, and a low-fat condiment like a spicy mustard or horseradish. It feels decadent like a party tray, so my hind brain thinks “naughty snacking!” but it’s all healthy stuff.
anon8
I grill all the meats – chicken, pork chops, hamburgers, brats. I’ll get pre-made potato salad from the store to serve as a side. Fresh corn is showing in stores too. Here are some recipes I like from food blogs. I just listed the title so all the links don’t go into moderation.
Summer Corn Salad – Mel’s Kitchen Cafe
Grilled Pork Chops – Mel’s Kitchen Cafe
Grilled Chicken with Lemon, Garlic & Herbs – Once Upon a Chef
Fresh Margarita Chicken – Iowa Girl Eats
I also like refreshing summer drinks like a Pimms Cup and Mojitos.
Anon
For the grill; burgers, dogs, lengthwise cut veg (zucchini and summer squash are nice), chicken pieces if you can make a hot side and a warm side (grill both sides over direct heat until grill marks, then move to indirect heat side)
For no-cook: sandwiches and salads as others have suggested, or make something like a pasta salad early in the day when it’s not so hot and keep it in the fridge for later.
Anon
I also suggest for pasta salad – boil and drain the pasta in the morning in salted water. Then toss with olive oil and stick in the fridge. You can add veggies like tomatoes and olives just before you eat it.
Anon
Do you have an Instant Pot?
AnonATL
This is always my approach. Throw some meat, or I guess you could do beans if you are vegetarian, in there for a few minutes and then pair with salads or microwave steamed vegetables and maybe a slice of bread or rice/quinoa if you have some. Get your meat without turning on the stove, easy veg, and grain if you want it.
I also eat a ton of cut fruit in the summer. Pretty much every dinner has apples, oranges, or whatever else looked good that week.
Sloan Sabbith
Tortellini salad, which is better leftover. 2 packages of cooled tortellini, half of a Trader Joe’s pesto, olive oil, red pepper flakes, a ton of baby spinach, chopped up onions, Parmesan mixed in and on top, pepperoni or salami, sometimes grape tomatoes. Put it in a big Pyrex bowl, shake it up and let it sit for awhile in the fridge.
Mal
Gazpacho, chicken/tuna salad in a avocado or tomato.
Senior Attorney
I made this orzo and asparagus the other night and it was divine. Note: the breadcrumbs are key — use real Panko breadcrumbs! https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1021068-lemony-orzo-with-asparagus-and-garlic-bread-crumbs?
Anon
We did a fresh spring roll dinner with veggies, tofu and avacados. Easy and light. Probably fun with kids.
Anon seeking therapist
Therapy advice needed. I have been through a few rough things in the past year or so – divorced my partner of ten years, had to get someone I was close to hospitalized against their will after they attempted to take their own life, changed jobs in weird circumstances to escape my neurotic boss, and a few other things. I’m generally perfectly functional in everyday life, but I have some lingering anxiety and hurt about all of this, so I decided to go to therapy to process it a bit. Maybe my expectations were too high, but I’m not loving it. She seems… mildly uncomfortable whenever I bring up the things that have happened (when I brought up the hospitalization episode, her response was “ok, I’m glad you had a chance to vent about that” – I’m sorry, what?), and seems to want to focus on what’s wrong with me right now in my everyday life, and I just don’t have much to say? So then she says really mundane things like “try not to worry as much” and “focus on the present”. I gave it a try for a few months, but it’s honestly not helpful and I think I need to go with someone else. Is there a specific type of therapist I need to look for? What questions should I be asking to see if it’s a good match? How do you make therapy a worthwhile experience?
annette
She seems like a bad therapist, I would definitely try someone else. It depends on what you’re looking for. When you’re looking at new therapists maybe look for people who specifically say they have experience with things like this – it’ll say “family issues” or “family difficulties”
Anon
I’m sorry that you had that experience and I do think you’re right to move on.
Some random observations from therapy with a therapist who I thought was good at her job:
You should feel “heard” by your therapist. You should feel that that person accepts you and “gets” you. When you’re expressing difficult emotions, the therapist should encourage you to continue (“Hmm,” nodding, sympathetic expression) and should reflect back to you what they think they’re seeing: “It seems like talking about that time with your mother is hard for you.”
Vetting a therapist is hard work. But, clearly, you can do hard things. We’re behind you.
CountC
+1
Anon
No advice, but commiseration. I just had appointment #4 with a therapist – first time having one ever and it took about 40 pings of people on Psychology Today before I found someone taking new patients. I reached out in the midst of a specific communication issue with DH that has since deescalated. I found appointment 1 and even 2 really helpful, but 3 and 4 have been total duds. On my call yesterday about 10 mins in to the 45 min call we basically had nothing to talk about. I have other ‘goals’ that have nothing to do with the situation that caused me to reach out so we eventually got to talking about one of those but I’m not really feeling like she’s offering much of anything in the way of conversation. I got a few helpful prompts to spur more constructive discussions with DH in those first two calls but now it’s just sort of …. meh.
I’m really reluctant to try to find someone else because it took SO long to find her, but yea. I’m not sure she’s the one for me.
sleep
You ask really good questions.
I also have never had individual therapy, function pretty well in normal life, but have been through some very traumatic experiences and have some anxiety related to these experiences. What has helped me the most was joining a support group, that I went to when I felt like it. People were extremely supportive, could relate, shared their experiences and what worked/didn’t work for them, and it really helped me. I went to a family support group organized by NAMI in my area when a family member had a mental breakdown that was great, and I still go back occasionally to check in. And I am a caregiver, and have gotten wonderful support from a Alzheimer’s Association sponsored support group in my area (my loved one doesn’t have Alzheimer’s… but has issues that cross-relate and all are welcome).
If there are specific traumatic event that is triggering your issues, then I might consider therapy to try some of the new approaches for desensitizing you to those events (REM desensitization – look for a therapist specializing in anxiety that does this)
And sometimes, you just don’t click with a therapist and you need to try another. Maybe post your city and we’ll give suggestions.
Pink
Sorry you’re dealing with this. I don’t think there’s a magic phrase to look for, although DH and I have benefited from CBT in the past. I found an amazing therapist through a friend, but then we moved. I asked for recs, but my amazing therapist didn’t have any contacts in my new city (which is huge so I don’t think it was a population issue). I’ve since gone through a series of ok to horrible therapists. I think in my location it’s cultural? I’ve seen several therapists who seem like SAHMs who got bored and might be better suited at the country club giving advice. I’m not trying to be rude, but when my therapist says things like “I’ll pray for you.” or “See? Your marriage isn’t that bad!” That’s a hard nope from me. Tl;Dr – Keep looking.
Anon
+1 to CBT, especially if you’re an analytical type. I usually vet for backgrounds, what kind of settings they trained at and their area of focus, to figure out if they will be a good fit for my specific needs.
Anon
I think acceptance and commitment therapy, psychodynamic therapy, or insight oriented therapy may be better fits for what you are looking for than CBT (you can look this up to see what you think). CBT can feel like coaching and be very focused on thoughts and behaviors and generally practical goals (it’s called cognitive behavioral therapy for a reason!). CBT therapists are not always as well prepared to process past events. I think ratio of good to bad therapists is also just such that it’s common to have to move on a few times before finding a good one (this is often euphemized as “a good fit,” and I’m sure that’s part of it too).
Anon
Exactly. CBT & DBT keep the focus on the present. It sounds like you want to talk through the past (which is okay!). When you interview therapists ask them about if their focus is present or processing & talking through prior events.
eertmeert
Yes. I did CBT and my therapist said “We’re not here to talk about your mom’s mistakes bringing you up” – and I thought, well, that’s the issue, so guess I’ll find someone else to speak with!
I did get some helpful tools from him, but ultimately my current therapist gives me the full package – empathetic listening, effective tools, and no judgement.
Gift ideas?
A friend is giving us a really nice set of barely-used patio furniture. I would like to give her a gift in return as a thank you, but I have no idea what to get. They have a newborn, but already have all the baby stuff they need. They are cautious about anything home-cooked or baked by anyone other than themselves right now. Any ideas?
Airplane.
Giftcard for their favorite nearby restaurant that is doing takeout right now.
Carmen Sandiego
I think a nice bottle of wine or champagne would be fine in this situation. Or some sort of edible gift basket (with no home cooked items) i.e. wine, hard cheeses, chocolates.
anonn
box of fancy nuts (can eat with one hand,full of nutrition and great for milk supply), coffee beans from a local roaster.
Anon
I see where you’re coming from, but I would be really weirded out if someone gave me a food that was “great for milk supply.”
Anon
I would not be
anonn
well obviously you wouldn’t mention that part, it’s just a good, consumable gift for new parents who have their hands full. Lactation cookies would be weird.
Saguaro
I have given a gift card to a fancy food store or Total Wine.
Anonymous
Can someone solve a CA mystery for me? A bunch of my Bay Area friends are once again whining and moaning that it’s very hot and they don’t have AC and I don’t get it at all. This happens every year? Like yes of course I understand why places don’t have central air but why don’t y’all buy window units? We all have them in NYC if you don’t have central and they’re not that expensive.
Anon
It depends what part of the Bay Area, but generally it doesn’t get that hot, it’s not humid at all and it gets downright cold at night, so you don’t need AC. You just open the windows at night and cool the house down. The climate is completely different than NY. I lived there for a while and would run the AC maybe once or twice a year, so having AC, she a window unit, isn’t really necessary. But yeah everybody who doesn’t have it whines on the very hot days.
Anon
*even a window unit
anon
I’m from SoCal but grew up without air conditioning and now live in NYC. Everyone has window units in NYC because it’s unbearably hot for the bulk of the summer. In CA, there were maybe 2 weeks total each year that were hot enough to really want AC. For my family, we didn’t get AC because we knew if we had it we’d run it way more than those 2 weeks and actually really like having the windows open/getting a natural breeze instead.
I think this is somewhat akin to my confusion in places like Atlanta and DC which regularly get snow but seemingly have no system in place to really deal with it. But it’s not that crazy when you consider it’d be really expensive to have the elaborate snow removal plans that the NE has to deal with snow for a few days a year. Having a few snow days each year is probably worth not spending the money on the infrastructure to avoid the snow days.
Finally, not what you’re asking but I’d put this in the bucket of “problems” that people don’t really want to be solved, they just want to complain about.
Anon
Currently live in SoCal, used to live in the SE, and this is exactly the correct analogy. It really only gets hot enough to want AC for a few hours a day for 3-4 weeks a year, so it’s just not really worth the investment (we don’t really use heat either). In my current condo, it gets up into the 80s on the second floor when we get late afternoon sun, but it’s still reasonable downstairs and it cools off when we open the windows at night. Plus, it’s not humid. I’m also not really sure how we’d easily install a window unit, since all of the windows slide open- can you install a window unit in that kind of window or do you have to use one of those crappy portable ones?
anon
+1 to all of this.
Anon
Atlanta doesn’t regularly have snow. We get something that sticks like every three year. The rest is just flurries once a year.
Silly Valley
My old place (peninsula) had no a/c and these windows that opened left to right (I’m sure there’s an official name, I just can’t think of it right now), not ‘normal’ sashed windows. It made it really tricky to put in a window unit; we ended up with a piece of plexiglass in the gap and still weren’t that thrilled. I’m sure it wasn’t that efficient, but when it’s 90+ and even the carpet feels hot an a/c in the bedroom is a godsend.
Historically a lot of the Bay Area hasn’t gotten that hot – not sure whether that’s changed with global warming or it’s just our perception. And it always gets cooler at night so it’s doable to have a house sited correctly and built with the right materials be perfectly comfortable – but 90% of us are making do with rental housing that’s old and/or substandard with too much concrete around it and sucky airflow. Also, electricity used to be really expensive, not sure if it still is comparatively. All not reasons not to get a window unit but contributing factors, I guess.
Nesprin
Because it gets this hot <1wk per year, (usually in August when our power is off anyways and all the units are sold out), because my windows are the wrong shape (side to side/tall and skinny) and because electricity is already screamingly expensive. Complaining OTOH is cheap.
Anon
It has been hot here in the Bay Area for the last couple of days. Air conditioning is not really a thing unless you live pretty far from the bay. Every year I think about getting a window unit or something but then I don’t do it because I would only use it a handful of days per year, and then have an ugly monstrosity I’d need to find a place to store for the rest of the year. That’s why.
Anon
Also…. because I have clearly thought about this … would I have to buy one for each room? Or would only mom and dad have one? What about guests? Would i have to buy one for the room occasional guests stay in? Would I then have to store four large ugly air conditioner thingies for the rest of the year?
Last year I happened to go to Home Depot in Emeryville during a heat spell, and they had A/C units on display, running and blowing cool air into the store. They knew what they were doing. I wonder how many of those have never been used again.
Anonymous
I grew up in the Chicago area without AC. My parents had a window unit for their room. I had a window fan, and on really hot nights I could sleep on the floor in their room.
Sloan Sabbith
Grew up in another hot area without AC. When it was really bad, we all slept in the basement, and then installed ceiling fans in the bedrooms when I was in high school. My parents recently installed a wall unit in their room. Even all of the strategies for cooling down the house (windows open at night with fans pulling in cool air, shutting windows and curtains during the day, etc) only did so much.
I live in Seattle and got a portable AC a few summers ago. I only use it a couple weeks a year, but it’s nice to have. For a couple years, I stored it in a corner next to my desk in its box with a tablecloth over it and put books on top.
Blueberries
A/C historically hasn’t been necessary for most of the summer. With the cool evenings, you’d want to be able to open windows much more often than run A/C.
In normal times, especially for people without young kids, you could just spend those handful of hot days in the air conditioned office, at a museum, at the beach (where it’s usually 20 degrees cooler), going out to eat, etc. Those usual coping strategies aren’t available right now.
Anon
Does anyone have suggestions for how to celebrate a baby without a shower? The mother to be expressly does NOT want a virtual shower or other kind of video chat gathering, and does not want gifts (she has older children and has everything she needs), but her best friend wants to do something to celebrate the new baby’s arrival and has roped me into the planning.
anon
Could you do a make a library type gift giving? Even if she has older kids, a lot of baby/toddler/kid books get completely destroyed by kids. Having a bunch of people send their favorite book with a note to the new baby inscribed would be something I personally would totally love as someone pregnant with an older kid and who generally hates getting gifts.
Anon
Thanks, I love this idea!
Anonymous
To follow on, have people record video or audio of them reading a kids books. It will make it few more interactive for the participants, and then provide the parents a set of stories to entertain the kids
Anon
This sounds very cumbersome and awkward to implement. Instead of reading you now need screen time for your child to enjoy a book?
Pure Imagination
Listen to the mother. Send a card.
anon8
Why is her best friend going against her wishes? Send a nice card with a gift card to a grocery store or Target where she can buy diapers, and other supplies as needed after the baby is born.
Anonymous
Everyone drops off or mails a favorite book and/or a white onesie with a supportive/cute message/drawing.
Donations to local diaper bank etc in mom’s name.
Carmen Sandiego
I really love these ideas – especially the diaper bank one!
Pure Imagination
If she doesn’t want more stuff, a ton of amateur-painted white onesies are just going to seem like clutter. I like the diaper bank idea though.
Anon
Yeah those would have gone right into the garbage for me. I wouldn’t have even tried to donate them, because Goodwill doesn’t want that either.
Anonymous
IDK – my besties put funny inside jokes or references on them. It was a nice moment of levity to see one when I was changing a diaper at like 3am. They go under clothes so doesn’t matter what they look like. Obv not a relevant suggestion for like 30 ppl but if you have crafty friends it’s kinda fun. my fav was the ‘future nasty woman’ one!
Sheesh
Work on setting better boundaries. Tell her “best” friend you’re not helping her plan something the recipient doesn’t want. Send food when the baby is born.
Anon
She has said she doesn’t want a shower, and her friend is not planning a shower. Her friend wants to find a way to celebrate the new baby, and I think the mom-to-be would be really touched by some of the ideas above like books with notes in them. There are no “boundaries” being violated here, trust me.
Sheesh
why. don’t. you. ask. the. mom. to. be. what. she. wants. instead of flaming the people you originally asked for advice?
Anon
Kind of rich to accuse others of flaming when your username is “sheesh” and you’re speaking rudely with. the. constant. periods. My follow-up comments were polite and intended to clarify because I felt like my original comment was being misinterpreted. I was not attacking anyone, and don’t deserve your vitriol. The mom-to-be is and will continue to be involved, and has not vetoed anything except a virtual shower and a registry, neither of which was ever planned.
I passed along the book idea to the mutual friend who consulted with the mom-to-be and she loved it, so thank you Anon at 11:05 and everyone else who offered constructive suggestions.
Sheesh
You’re right – my second comment was snarky and I apologize for it. I’m grumpy today; not a good excuse but it’s the truth. However 1) I was sincere in the boundaries suggestion. I think it’s extremely disrespectful to throw a party for someone who has asked you not to. Seems like we’re on the same page there so I’ll not lecture you further. 2) You worded your original question in a way that made it sound like you two were in cahoots to throw her a party she didn’t want. I could not have known the true situation except for your description of it, so I think it was a little unfair for you to come at me. Anyway, you’ve received a lot of good suggestions for alternative ways to celebrate. I always appreciate the gift of books for my kid.
AnonATL
I am an upcoming ftm and also in the anti-shower camp. I didn’t have a bridal shower, and I don’t want a baby shower. They just make me uncomfortable, and as the guest of honor, that’s what matters. It is certainly compounded by the state of the world.
I really like the book drive type idea. I went to a baby shower a few years ago that was Books and Bows themed for their little girl. Books can easily be mailed, and you can get a huge variety from local shops. I am not big into bows for baby girls, but you do you.
You could also do a pre-baby meal drive. Everyone send a gift card for a local restaurant where they could get takeout. Otherwise I love the charitable ideas mentioned below.
If people really say they don’t want a party in their honor, we should probably listen to them, but I think you can still celebrate the baby in a way that works for them by sending things on a theme.
Delta Dawn
Surely she would not be upset if people sent diapers or wipes (unless she is cloth diapering)? Or maybe have everyone mail a card on the same day? Could order puzzles for the older siblings and mail them the pieces in different envelopes? There are some “big brother” and/or “big sister” puzzles on Etsy, etc. that are not expensive and that could be recycled if Mom doesn’t want to keep gifts.
Anonymous
Respect her wishes and send a card when baby is born.
Anon
What are you guys doing? She doesn’t want it. Take her at her word. Respect her wishes.
If you must do something, arrange food deliveries for when the baby is born.
Anonymous
This. She said no. Please don’t inflict the best friend’s wishes over the new mom’s.
anon
Have people drop off diapers or gift cards for takeout and then GTFO! She is not a newbie mom. She knows what she does and doesn’t need.
Anon
Just to clarify – nobody’s wishes are being violated. She knows our mutual friend is organizing a celebration of the baby, and she is very touched by that. She has said she doesn’t want a shower and nobody is proposing to throw her a shower. Her statement about “no gifts” was about not wanting people to spend much money. My friend asked her if she wanted to register and she was embarrassed by that (as I would be), since this is baby #3 and she has all the essentials. It’s not about not wanting “stuff” and I’m sure she would be touched by books or anything affordable or homemade.
anon
But books and other homemade things are still gifts and “stuff”? I would ask her to clarify because this sounds like going against her wishes to me.
Anonymous
If her wishes are that ppl not spend a bunch of money, how is it going against her wishes for ppl to spend a small amount of money on a book.
anon
I interpreted her aversion to gifts as not liking the clutter of physical objects, not a problem with people spending money. But apparently mom’s on board so it doesn’t matter either way!
eertmeert
Books sound wonderful, especially since you clarify she isn’t against receiving anything. They aren’t really “stuff” in the terms of bottles, clothing, crib, pack n play, etc that first time moms get. If the mom can send mutual friend a pic of her kids’ bookshelf then duplicates can be avoided.
Anonymous
+1 I’m one of the most minimalist people I know, and I make an exception for books. And worst case they can go to a library and be used by other kids. They won’t go to waste the way unwanted homemade items would.
Anonymous
I have three kids and duplicates are actually welcomed. Lots of times they want their ‘own’ copy of a book for their room. They share so many of their bigger toys I don’t care about multiple copies of beloved books.
LaurenB
Honor the mother’s wishes. If she has everything she needs from older children, then let it be. Maybe donate to a shelter or something in honor of the upcoming event. For the love of god, please don’t decorate onesies with cute sayings.
Anonymous
I was asked to record a video message for a friend’s baby recently. Personally, I hated it. I don’t like being on camera, and I felt super uncomfortable talking to an unborn baby that I may never even meet (the mom lives far away and we aren’t super close). I would have much rather sent a book, even if I knew it would immediately be donated to a library. But I suppose that is one to give the mother a nice momento that isn’t “stuff.” The people who are asked to do it may be annoyed at you though :P
Anon
Personally I’d make a donation to a children’s charity on their behalf. Sounds like she has everything she needs and there are a lot of families struggling right now.
Anon
She may not want it because if she already has kids it’s a faux pas to have another shower. There are lots of lovely ideas but I think any type of organized gift giving is a shower even if you don’t call it one. Individual gifts may be best.
Anonymous
Who should I use as references — I’m in BigLaw, looking at a government agency job. I don’t really want to tell folks in my group I’m looking, but I’ve been in this job for my whole career and can’t think of anyone else to use. Any suggestions?
Anon
Former colleagues who have left to join other firms or go in-house?
anon
+1
Anon
Are you still in touch with any professors that could speak to your work ethic etc, ideally if you were an RA or TA for them? I listed them as references for my first DOJ job.
Anon
I don’t think you should use professors unless you actually worked for them, especially if you’re more than, like, a year out of college.
Lily
I’m in the same boat. Would it be acceptable to use a senior associate (or even an of counsel) you trust as a reference, or does it need to be a partner (this is really a question for the group)?
AFT
To me, senior associate who actually supervised you is fine. You don’t want someone who was only a little ahead of you and was more of a “team lead” as they may be viewed more as a peer.
Former in house tech counsel
The agency will likely not contact your references until the offer stage. I didn’t want to tell my boss (I was in house) about looking, but I had to list him as a current supervisor. The federal agency I applied to gave me a heads up when they would need to talk to him. Plus the FBI agent who did my background check gave me a heads up as well.
Anonymous
When I made the leap to govt, I used a client, an opposing counsel, and a judge as my references. It worked, and the Dept head commented that it was helpful to get the various perspectives of my effectiveness and responsiveness.
Anon
+1 I’m not in law, but when I applied to my current govt job I had used a client, a previous boss, a previous junior colleague and a previous senior colleague to demonstrate that I work well with a variety of people.
Anon
I’ve never had anyone ask me for references until after I got the offer. The offer is contingent on having OK references I guess but at that point it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’re in.
Chicago Takeout
Hi! Brother and SIL are moving to Chicago in a few weeks. They always get me great gifts so I’d like to return the favor by getting them a gift card to a nice restaurant (and obviously one that is currently open for takeout or delivery). They’ll be living in the West Loop. If restaurants aren’t dealing with gift cards right now, I’ll probably just send them the same amount of cash and tell them my suggested restaurant.
anonchicago
Aba is fantastic and doing family meals for takeout.
Roister is great but wasn’t impressed w their Family meal as it required a lot of assembly and re heating.
anon
Alinea! normally super expensive, but they are doing tasting menus you can pick up to go, which are really fun.
Anon
Alinea has takeout!?!? I live 2 hours from Chicago and this makes me want to drive there.
HousecounseI
Alinea does indeed have takeout. I think it is on the Tock app?
Anonymous
FYI the takeout requires some prep and reheating at home, but if you’re super bored do it! I thought it was great
CHS
Alinea!!! The takeout is SO good – I had one of the best meals of the year from there recently.
Anonymous
If they like cooking, Girl and The Goat is probably the most famous restaurant in the west loop doing meal kits of their own entrees, looks fun. Alinea is also doing some pretty incredible takeout for an amazing price (like $60 I think). I feel bad their first Chicago summer will be like this!
Chicago Takeout
Fortunately they lived their a few years ago (the life of doctors in training), so at least they know how great the city can be!
Anonymous
The Publican and Girl & the Goat are in the West Loop. The latter is doing Girl and the Goat-ceries and offers weekday or weekend meal kits.
AFT
Lettuce Entertain You is a big Chicago-based restaurant group with lots of different offerings all over the region, so is one I’ve used for gifts before to allow the recipient to pick the type of cuisine they like.
NY CPA
Check if RPM Italian delivers to their address. I would be thrilled if someone gave me a giftcard to there. Best meatballs I’ve ever eaten!
Chicago Takeout
Thanks all!!
hi hi hi
I’d go with Oriole or Monteverde.
OMG peeing in public
Next Door never ceases to horrify me. Today: complaining about someone peeing in public. Complete with video and audio.
Anon
My Nextdoor group recently had a post entitled “Stolen: human remains.”
Anonymous
With all the incidents of cops or white ppl vs black lately, do you find black ppl on your social media talking about how whites need to do the work here to stop this? Do you intend to do said work? I find myself thinking — what’s going on, this definitely shouldn’t happen — and that’s it. I don’t see myself being so deeply involved that I’d be out there educating or whatever. More of a – that’s sad – reaction. I assume that’s how 99% of people I know in IRL will handle it — as that have with the millions of past incidents — but to hear them now, it’s omg civil rights?!
Anon
I find all my white and Asian-American friends, black and hispanic friends all talking about how we all need to do more.
Anon
What can we do? I mean that seriously. Aside from voting, having open discussions, etc, what can we do?
Anon
I think people kind of ignore when family and friends are being racist or try to brush it under the rug because they don’t know how to react and it’s not like they’re Hitler so maybe it’s ok. That is a place to start. Not saying you should be the PC police but sometimes there are missed opportunities to speak up.
Anon
Tons! If you don’t think anything can be done I’d very respectfully say you haven’t looked super far into this. Here is a great place to start: https://medium.com/equality-includes-you/what-white-people-can-do-for-racial-justice-f2d18b0e0234
Anon
Thanks! There are some good options. I’m so disappointed in amazon! I’ve started to avoid buying from them and Whole Foods. Also, I really don’t associate with people who make racist comments or I’d school then on it. At first I didn’t really understand the black lives movement and read about it. Now I get it.
Anon
I guess my assumption is that many people essentially accept these incidents as a sad but acceptable price to pay for a status quo that has worked out pretty well for them.
Ribena
I’m in the online knitting community so this has been an ongoing conversation for almost a year and a half. I’ve made a stronger effort to call out the insidiously prejudiced chat you sometimes hear in rooms which aren’t racially diverse when I hear it. (I’m white British in the UK).
anon
I think a person in your shoes owes it to herself and others to think deeply about privilege and why you get to brush this off while others fear for their lives. It’s more than just “that’s sad.” I’m putting myself in that category, too, btw.
pugsnbourbon
I don’t understand your post at all. Of course it’s a civil rights issue and it always has been. None of this is new.
There are tons of resources for white folks to educate themselves and honestly it’s the bare minimum we can do. And you can call out racism in within your white friends/family/colleagues when you see it.
anne-on
Uh yea, how is this a question? I guess the closest analogy I have is that I’m raising a son. I wouldn’t just leave the sex-ed talk to ‘some men chose to rape women, that’s sad but…shrug’. I’m going to teach him about consent, about how to advocate for female friends, about equality, the history of this country w/r/t feminism, etc.
Same thing with race – do you seriously not understand the deep underlying social/economic/political factors at work that lead to racism and violence against black people? Do you not understand the privilege that white people inherently have over POC? These people on twitter are not calling for you to go out and get a full time job combating racism, they’re asking you to educate yourself and advocate for equality in the world when you can. It’s not hard.
anon
Hmm. This is a familiar syntax. But okay.
“Do you intend to do said work?”
Yes.
“I find myself thinking — what’s going on, this definitely shouldn’t happen — and that’s it.”
Okay, so you’re not a very deep thinker and lack empathy and respect for other people’s lives.
“I don’t see myself being so deeply involved that I’d be out there educating or whatever.”
See above.
“More of a – that’s sad – reaction. I assume that’s how 99% of people I know in IRL will handle it — as that have with the millions of past incidents — but to hear them now, it’s omg civil rights?!”
That’s why nothing ever changes, because of selfishness and apathy of people like you. And yes, it is obviously a civil rights issue. Please see above re: your not being a very deep thinker.
Anon
Totally familiar syntax. How’s that portfolio doing, Anonymous, since that’s all you care about?
Pure Imagination
The specific incidents and rights violations that keep on happening are individually sad and should be mourned, but the broader structures of societal racism and white supremacy require action. IMO, the most actionable way for white people to combat racism is to work to get Trump out of office. We have not had such a racist president (to say nothing of his extreme decline in mental status and generally low intelligence, which make his racism even more dangerous) in modern times and everyone who is able to should spend time and money working to get him out of office. We can’t have more tacit approval of Charlottesville and racism-driven public policy and dog whistling at the highest levels and ever hope to heal as a country. Well-off liberals, especially white liberals, should be spending the most time and money campaigning for Biden. Is he perfect? No. Are we all going to be so personally fulfilled and joyous to cast a vote for him? Probably not. Campaign anyway.
Otherwise, I work to fight racism in my line of work, but don’t do enough.
Henrietta
I don’t think that’s true. I think it is very easy for white people and non black POC to think of racism as a thing right wing people do. According to public records, Amy Cooper donated to democratic candidates. White people and non black POC need to do real internal work when it comes to race relations in America.
(That’s not to ignore the fact that overt racism has gotten more prevalent in the Trump era, but Democrats in the White House will not solve this problem).
Pure Imagination
I’m not making any claims about liberals not being racist, nor am I alleging that Biden will cure racism. I’m arguing that Trump, specifically, is an enormous racist threat at the highest level and that he needs to be removed from office immediately if we are to have any HOPE of improvement.
Henrietta
I don’t agree with that at all. Trump is a symptom, not a cause. Trump was elected in part because people are either overtly racist or covertly racist (in the sense that they are willing to overlook racism because it gets them the economic benefits of having trump in the White House).
The individual racism of white people can cause great harm. If well-meaning white people prioritize getting trump out of office as their most important way to tackle racism, it just lets them continue treating racism as a thing republicans do, and allows them to pretend that they themselves are not a part of the problem. “Yeah, I called in a noise complaint on the black dude that’s been playing loud music out of his storefront for decades before I moved in, but I’m not racist! I think Trump is horrible!”
Pure Imagination
Working to get Trump out of office is not mutually exclusive with fighting racism in your personal life and interactions with others.
Henrietta
Forgot to add one thing: ways for white people and non Black POC to combat racism on a political level also include the many state level ways black people are marginalized include campaigning for progressive DAs (the one in Philly is a good example), voting for down ticket democrats to combat gerrymandering, and fighting for bail reform and felon disenfranchisement. All of these initiatives can improve the lives of black people in very tangible ways and can be done regardless of who is in office.
Henrietta
Of course you can get trump out of office and combat racism in other ways, but that’s not what you said. To quote you directly, “ IMO, the most actionable way for white people to combat racism is to work to get Trump out of office.” There are tons of more actionable ways to combat racism.
Anon
Henrietta, no one disagrees. You don’t have to argue so much when you’re on the same side.
anon
I (white) definitely feel like it is upon all people to stop this, and the more privilege we have, the more responsibility follows. Would you debate whether men need to get involved to end sexist discrimination? I hope not.
It’s of course easy to say this in the abstract, and I keep thinking about this and research ways that I can make an impact. I am not a US citizen, so I can neither vote or donate money for political causes. I have donated for education, homeless aid, planned parenthood and other nonprofits. I have sent letters to the delegates of my area and I have even canvassed in the mid-terms. I volunteer in my labor union. I educate myself on the impacts and subtle mechanisms of racism. As much as I can, I don’t look away from these horrible news stories, I try to be informed and read background analysis pieces from a variety of media outlets, just as I do on feminism. I do take breaks from daily headlines, as needed for my stress level. I read books on the topic and take the implicit bias test from time to time to be aware and more vigilant about my own biases. I acknowledge that I have those and I work to reduce them. For me, it’s helpful to compare antiracist thinking patterns to learning math or singing a difficult piece of music. It’s easiest for your brain to do a bad job at it, so absent any intervention, that’s what my brain will tend to do. It takes reflecting on the stump points, and lots of practice to get better at it.
Anonymous
Yeah I am sure many people like you exist but it is horrifying! Feel very fortunate that my wide diverse circle takes anti- racism work very seriously. Please don’t assume that 99 percent of who you know are bad people just because you are, I am hopeful that at least some of the white people in your circle are better and more empathetic than you.
Anonymous
No. Your comments are a mix of virtue signalling and just stirring the pot. What does “do the work here to stop this even mean?” All the incidents? I have seen two recently. In my view, you are doing a tremendous disservice to black people and are contributing to the division of our country by focusing on black versus white. The truth is most young black men are killed by other black men. Want to save lives? Fix that. The truth is that a child’s success in school is heavily influenced by engaged parents. Yet, poor and black families tend not to be engaged. So fix that. It’s far too easy to just blame systemic racism and walk away instead of treating everyone like people.
Anon
What a terrible, uneducated, inflammatory response. Try again. Police killing black people is NOT the fault of black people.
cupshe bikini fit?
Do any of you wear Cupshe swimsuits? I saw an ad for a cute suit with a wide bandeau-type top, with straps, and it looks like it would be great to wear under a wetsuit for water sports. I don’t want a top that ties at the neck or back, and they have several that look similar to a sports br@, which would be great. How do they fit? Is the support decent (especially if it’s under a wetsuit, it doesn’t need to be as strong as a proper cup, but enough to hold things in place)? Is the material super thin or decent weight?
Lydia
I ordered one last summer and it was fine! it was cut a little high in the back but I often have that with swimsuits, so I think it was my body, not the suit. I found it pretty true to size (american sizing). The reviews on Amazon were really helpful — a lot of people even post photos wearing the suits, which is super helpful for deciding whether to purchase…
Abby
I do! I have 7 pairs maybe? I am pretty flat, like an A if I’m lucky, and no butt to speak of, and got a small in all of them, with no issues. If you’re curvier, I’d size up. Fabric is pretty good considering the price. I don’t wear a wetsuit, but wake surf and I never have an issues. This will be my third summer with the suits and I put them through a lot. If you’re worried about returns, Amazon sells them as well with a more lenient return policy I think.
Pink
I’m pretty obsessed with them but have only ordered one pieces. I’m a 32DD and I think the support would be fine for under a wetsuit. At first I figured for the price, if I get one wear out of them it’s worth it, but I have two of them that I’ve been wearing since last summer so they hold up decently (I do not put swimsuits in the washing machine). They are cut pretty cheeky in the back. Read the reviews – they are helpful and sizing/cut varies widely by style. Their return process is super easy and convenient though if you don’t like what you order.
Airplane.
Same! Bought a 2 piece featured on Extra Petite a few years ago. It’s a go to swimsuit. YMMV though, I don’t need a lot of support or lift and strings are fine for me. You can definitely fine more sports bra cut swimsuits though – crop top shapes, sporty shapes, they have everything.
cupshe bikini fit?
Thanks for all the recs and details, this is super helpful! And handy to know that they sell on Amazon as well, I just received a gift card to Amazon :) I’ll give ’em a shot, thanks!
Anon
I am SO over the lack of communication in my department. People don’t inform their teams of important things, multiple people end up working on the same project until it gets discovered, etc. I was just informed that the big project I’ve been working on for months has also been a side project for someone else. I was really proud of this project and I just got a NBD reaction when I presented part of it (talk about feeling unappreciated). I’m going to be the one to move forward with finishing it at least. I love the company and I know now isn’t the time to even change departments, but I’m so frustrated. Thank you all for being a sounding board sometimes and for listening.
anon
I am really sorry. That stinks and is demotivating as he!!.
Anon
Gardening (literal) question –
I usually grow summer veggies and flowers from starts at the nursery. This year the nurseries opened late and I didn’t much want to go anyway, so I mail ordered a lot of seeds. I’ve been hit or miss with varieties. I’d like to do more early starting of seedlings indoors next year, and be more purposeful about varieties.
My gardening books talk about seed catalogs. I don’t currently receive any. Are these still a thing in the age of the internet? If so, which do you like?
anon
Yes, they are a thing! A few to try: Gurney’s, Burpee, Park Seed Co.
Formerly Lilly
Seeds of Change
Territorial Seed
Totally Tomatoes
My personal favorite: Seed Savers Exchange
Jeffiner
Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds
Ms B
Jung Seed
WFH until the cows come home
Ladies, it’s time to replace my crossbody bag. It’s a brown leather bag I got in Italy >10 years ago. The lining is broken beyond repair. I love this bag and it’s the perfect size for a small water bottle, wallet, phone, and sunglasses (most of the crossbodies I’m seeing these days are tiny). I also like that the strap is thick enough that it doesn’t hurt my shoulders (probably about 1 inch). What do ya’ll recommend for high quality leather bag that does not have logos on it? My price range is probably $150 to $300ish. I should just go back to Italy, but sadly that will have to wait.
Leatty
What about this one?
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/nordstrom-bella-leather-crossbody-bag/5634885?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FHandbags%2FCrossbody%20Bags&color=tan%20pecan
I’ve been really happy with the Nordstrom crossbody I bought a couple of years ago.
Anon
Try Madewell
Carrots
Not necessarily what you asked, but is there a cobbler or tailor nearby that is open that could help with the lining? They may be able to put in a new lining for it, especially if you use the same price range.
Anon
This! Take it to a cobbler and have the lining replaced.
Anon
+1 if you love it, replacing the lining is a no-brainer. A dry cleaner with alterations and repair services may also be able to help.
Elderlyunicorn
I love my Cuyana cross body. I have the half moon mini bag in caramel. Fits my wallet, large phone and sunglasses. A small water bottle might be a stretch, but they do have other styles. Very lightweight and the leather has held up beautifully. It’s very versatile … I can wear it out when I need a “nice” purse but also goes well with jeans and tshirts. Highly recommend.
SmallLawAtl
Radley of London makes several that would fit your criteria. The only logo is a little Scotty dog on a tag that you can (I do) take off. Their customer service at least used to be horrendous, so if you can order from the U.S. (Nordstrom and Macy’s both carry some of their bags, as does one of the shopping channels–which I actually find helpful because they have videos of the bags on youtube). The leather is lovely, and they make, among others, a flat crossbody bag in two or three sizes that has a very comfy strap.
Anon
The COB shop, she’s an amazing artisan who makes upcycled leather goods from old jackets and sofas. Her skills are truly impressive and her products are very reasonably priced.
Anon
Maybe the Cuyana camera bag?
Elbe
JW Hulme makes great bags. https://www.jwhulmeco.com/collections/crossbody-bags
HousecounseI
Hi, ‘rettes. I have two updates, one good, one terrible. I don’t know if there is any advice to give, but if you have thoughts I welcome them.
First the good -I traveled out of state last weekend to move my kid out of her dorm. It was just heavenly to be Somewhere Else. I flew Southwest, and it was fantastic. No middle seats were occupied, everyone wore masks, and the plane had definitely been cleaned. NC was much more open than IL. We ate in a restaurant, where very other table was cordoned off, the waiter wore a mask, and we had to wait in our car for a table. At the salon where I got a pedicure, they took my temp as soon as I walked in and had me scrub my hands, and everyone, including me, wore a mask.
Next, the awful. My MIL is in a skilled nursing facility. It is nearby, but for obvious reasons we haven’t seen her since maybe February – I don’t even remember when they went into lockdown. MIL is sometimes coherent, sometimes not. Yesterday, the facility called and told my husband, who has health care POA, that it is time to consider hospice. My husband is agonized. How can he make this decision, and tell his dad and siblings it is the right course, without seeing her with his own eyes? I know many other people have had to endure this. It is heartbreaking.
Senior Attorney
Oh, my. The only input I have for the second issue is that hospice is not necessarily a death sentence. My dad was in hospice for more than a year and ultimately ended up “graduating” back to normal healthcare. But while he was on it the caregivers were lovely and honestly I kind of miss it. And the real question you should ask yourself is: Do you want her hospitalized and aggressively treated if she gets sick? For us, the answer was “absolutely not” for a variety of reasons, so it was an easy call to put him in hospice.
Hugs to you. These issues are so hard.
Senior Attorney
Thinking about this more, by “easy call” I mean “agonizing call.” Heh. It was a while ago and my memory has mercifully faded.
Jules
I guess Senior Attorney and I really are living parallel lives. My father was in inpatient hospice for several weeks two years ago, graduated and left; then, when his illness deteriorated very rapidly, he was back for less than 24 hours, In the meantime, the hospice program helped coordinate his care when he was in a nursing home/rehab unit and even when he was, briefly, in an living unit – so hospice care is not necessarily the end.
Whether or not your MIL is getting to that point, hospice care can be a godsend. They are wonderful at providing palliative care and advocating for the patient and providing information and comfort for the family. (The nurse who was with us in my father’s last couple of hours was some kind of angel, truly.) Depending on the program and your MIL’s condition, she may remain in her current facility but with hospice providing some of the care.
Sending hugs to you and your family.
Anon
I am very sorry. In my state, hospitals and nursing homes make exceptions to the no-visitors policy for those receiving end of life care. Perhaps your MIL’s facility can make a similar exception?
Abby
Happy to hear the move went well! I don’t have any advice regarding hospice, but I’m so sorry. My mom was a hospice nurse and I know how hard it is on the family.
mascot
Can the SNF and/or hospice company arrange for a telehealth visit where he can “see” her? Hospice doesn’t necessarily mean that death is imminent. I’ve had several family members that were on hospice for months and months. Hospice is a manner of delivering palliative care for the patient, but it can also be holistic in that they provide some supports for the family as well. Would it help your husband and his family to do a consult with the hospice provider to better understand the process?
The book On Being Mortal by Atul Gawande gets recommended a lot and for good reason. It really helped me think through end of life issues with my own family members in decline and to find some peace.
Ribena
I think it’s also called On Mortality in some markets (Gawande’s book) – I loved it! Found it really helpful.
Anonymous
Hospice is a gift. Truly. Unless you know her wishes are to be kept alive at all cost, hospice is her best chance to receive care focused on eliminating suffering. It a sad sad thing but the right choice.
Senior Attorney
Well put, better than I said it.
Anon
+1 hospice is a godsend and the people who work there are literal angels. If I were nearing the end of my life I would 100% rather be in hospice than a nursing home or hospital bed.
KS IT Chick
Another vote for hospice. My MIL was in a nursing home for 7 years. At about 2 years in, the staff recommended hospice care for her. She was in the program for 3 years and ran out of benefits, because she received such good care from them. She re-entered hospice about 6 weeks before her death.(Alzheimer’s is a b****)
My mom was in hospice for about 7 weeks prior to her death. The agency wasn’t as good as the one that cared for MIL, and my dad was capable of directing her care more than FIL was. She was also in a nursing home, because we physically couldn’t lift her or assure she got meds on the correct school.
Arkie
Yes! My mother was in a nursing home and was receiving hospice care for many months before she passed. It was actually a great thing because someone else was helping us advocate for her. Also, she was able to have end of life discussions with the hospice nurse when she didn’t feel comfortable telling us for fear of hurting us. When she did pass away, it gave me a lot of comfort knowing that she thought about it and was able to have her final days go in accordance with her plan. I’m not sure if your MIL has dementia issues that are driving this decision, but if she is having lucid periods, I just wanted to pass on this additional benefit of hospice.