Coffee Break: Cards, Magnets, Totes and More from Emily McDowell

86 Comments

1. Guys – help me plan a birthday picnic. I am giving up on the notion that I will be able to have a nice al fresco lunch by the time it comes around and would love to redirect my frustrations into planning something special. Caveat is my kids will be present so it has to be at least somewhat toddler friendly. I also haven’t figured out the picnic location yet so ideally something travel friendly as we may may want to drive somewhere like a beach, etc. Thanks!

   1. My go-to picnic entrees are pressed sandwiches and pasta salads. If your kids will eat pasta salad, the Barefoot Contessa’s Pasta with Sun-Dried Tomatoes is amazing. Serve with fruit, rolls if you like, and lemon bars or brownies.

      1. Best pasta salad ever!

   2. What sort of planning help do you need? I’d pick up take out myself. Not fun if you’re cooking and cleaning.

      1. I guess just menu wise. I tend to go with a semi homemade approach – i.e., mix of prepared and a few things I made, but not opposed to either with enough notice. But like one year we did lobster rolls, and a friend brought cold shrimp and we had strawberry and whipped cream for dessert. I just want it to feel festive.

         Love all these ideas guys!

   3. I made a salad years ago which was chunks of potato, sausage, and green beans. Mustard-y vinaigrette dressing. Delicious.

   4. I love panzanella, but it’s best eaten within an hour or so of putting all the ingredients together.

   5. My favorite summer pasta is chopped very ripe tomatoes, salted, torn basil leaves, toss with just cooked pasta (I like penne) and a lot of really good olive oil. Taste for salt and pepper. Eat room temp or cold. A little more fresh basil on top when it cools down a bit.

      To this you can add lots of stuff. Red pepper flakes. Blanched asparagus tips. Lemon juice. Lemon zest. Cheese. Olives. But if the tomatoes are ripe, I like the original the best.

      1. That sounds really good. But I would add bocconcini or fior de latte – like a pasta caprese salad.

         1. I did this with mozzarella and orzo as the pasta for my lunches last summer – I called it a caprorzo! I think I added spinach as well as the basil too.

   6. I love pasta salad. If you’re picking up instead of making it yourself, Whole Foods has a smoked mozzarella pasta salad that I am obsessed with!

2. i LOVE that “5 stars/A+ would marry again” card! So cute.

   1. Me too! I was just thinking DH would laugh haha.

3. Her empathy cards are 100% my favorite. Especially if you are a more irreverent/sarcastic human, like me, you’ll love all of her cards. I have received a number of compliments or “that was really meaningful” comments with these cards. Always love buying. Right now, I’m sending lots of her postcards to people since quarantine life is annoying but writing to friends is fun.

   1. Yeah, her cards are perfect. I have a longer comment in mod about the cards. They’re the kind of cards I wish I’d received when I was really sick a few years ago. Instead, people told me I was an inspiring person for….IDK, doing what I had to to stay alive? Still don’t get that.

      1. Our culture does not deal well at all with chronic illness or death IMO. Most sympathy cards reflect that–they tend to be superficial and trite. I agree that her products are a step in the right direction. I typically have sent people a blank card with a peaceful image on the front but no printed text.

         1. I love her card that says “I’m really sorry I haven’t been in touch. I didn’t know what to say.” I know people don’t know what to say, and I love when people just say “Well, sh*t, I don’t know what to say.” Yep, me neither, not like I’m an expert.

            1. Yes! Just admit that you don’t know what to say. Most of us don’t. But don’t disappear on someone who’s close to you and then later pretend you didn’t.

   2. I am especially a big fan of the “No card can make this better, but I’m giving you one anyway.” I personally feel that it’s a way for me to say “I’m thinking of you, I’m here for you, but I am not trying to fix this for you with a card, or pretending I know what you’re going through, etc.” When browsing a few weeks ago, I also really liked the “Happy Father’s Day, Mom.” card.

   3. I’ve never seen this before, but I like the empathy cards too. I’ve heard a lot of garbage over the years, especially “everything happens for a reason,” “she’s in a better place now,” “God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle,” “at least she didn’t suffer for long,” “at least you have a stepmom,” and worse. These cards are so much better.

      1. “at least you have a stepmom”?! Was that in the context of losing your actual mom? Because I cannot imagine anything more hurtful.

         1. Yes! More than once! That’s probably the worst I’ve heard personally, but it might be topped by the “at least you and your sister are going through this together” when an acquaintance and her sister both lost their husbands in the same year. How…comforting.

            1. The worst I’ve heard personally was “if he wasn’t going to make it anyway, at least it was sooner than later.” I definitely agree that empathy cards are better than just saying things if that’s how wrong saying things is going to go.

            2. One of my colleagues lost her mom (expected) and her dad (unexpected) within 2 months of each other last summer. One of our colleagues said to her when she got back from burying her dad “Well, at least you’d already known what to do to get a death certificate!” My colleague looked at her and said “Did you actually just say that?”

            3. Oh dear, it does get worse…

            4. honestly, any time anyone tries to start a statement of sympathy with “at least,” or some other phrase suggesting there is a silver lining, I give them major side eye, especially for major traumas like death of a family member. Why is it so hard to simply say “I’m so sorry for your loss,” and if appropriate, offer to help in whatever way you can? When my dad passed away after a long, protracted illness, I got so many “well, at least it wasn’t unexpected” type comments, which drove me bonkers.

            5. I like the card that says “I wish I could take away your pain, or at least take away the people who compare it to the time their hamster died.”

         2. It’s also a terrible setup for the stepmom! How could she ever possibly substitute for your deceased birth mother?

         3. “At least he died doing what he loved”, after my friend was killed in a gruesome theme park accident.

      2. My favorite stupid comment someone made when I was grieving was “I know how you feel – I had a dog once that had a brain tumor.” The person I was grieving was my dad.

         1. I lost a child and someone told me she knew how I felt because her dog had died.

            1. That is horrible. The two should never, ever be compared. I am very sorry for your loss.

            2. I feel sickened on your behalf, Anon. I am so sorry for both your unimaginable loss and for the stupidity you had to deal with in that moment.

            3. Ugggghhh that’s horrible.

   4. The creator of these cards is a cancer survivor herself, which helped provide the inspiration. https://www.macalester.edu/news/2016/04/honest-messaging/

   5. I have one of her birthday cards received from a friend on display in my office (9 months after said birthday…) I love it.

4. Does anyone have a gradual tan lotion they like that doesn’t turn you orange? Bonus points for drugstore brands…

   1. I used to like Jergens for this, but I quit using it because it contains parabens. I appreciate that it comes in different shades for different skin tones.

   2. I like the Jergens gradual lotion. There are two formulas, one is firming and one is … something else. I’ve noticed no difference between the two.

      I use the light to medium shade. I don’t get orange but I get slightly less pale after two uses, which is about my sweet spot.

   3. I don’t have a recommendation. Just wanted to note that while the Jergens lotion does put some gradual not-too-orange color, I found that if your legs or arms get sweaty (thanks humid NYC summers), it does streak. I stopped using it because of that.

   4. I have and like the Garnier Summer Body one, if it’s available where you are? (I’m in the U.K. and know drugstore brands ranges aren’t always the same on both sides of the pond)

   5. I like Jergens Natural Glow. I use it everyday on my arms and legs. I am fair skinned and just want to avoid looking ghostlike, not actually trying to get tan. I live in an extremely humid client and it has never streaked due to sweating. The only time I’ve seen streaks is when I didn’t blend it properly.
      If I actually want to look tan or somewhat tan, like if I’m going to the beach, I use the L’Oreal sunless tanning spray. It works surprisingly well and does not streak.
      For me, I have to be sure that I coat my feet, ankles and knees with regular (non-tanning) lotion before applying either product, otherwise those areas get too dark. I think it’s because my skin is thinner there.

      1. Humid *climate

5. As a chronically ill person, her empathy cards are the cards I wish I got during periods when I was sick, scared, and f-ing exhausted being told I was someone’s inspiration. Also, they’re things I’ve thought about as I made it through my own difficult periods, and also things that I know my best friend would have wanted to hear, but didn’t, as she lived, and died, of cancer. Before we realized “get through it” wasn’t going to happen, I got her the card that said “I know #f888cancer doesn’t help you get through it. I’m here anytime you need me.” I also got her the one that said “Behind every great woman is another great woman replying to her frantic texts in the middle of the night” and wrote “You’re my favorite 2 AM friend” inside.

   I love the “I promise to never refer to your illness as a journey unless someone takes you on a cruise” card. I was at a required “support group” appointment recently (had to go before I could see an actual doctor….) and they wanted everyone there to come to a class to “discuss our headache journey.” All I could think of was this card, and also that I had sub-zero interest in hanging out with people playing Suffering Olympics under the guise of discussing their “journey.”

   I also love the “If this is God’s plan, God is a terrible planner. (No offense if you’re reading this, God, you did a really good job with other stuff like waterfalls and pandas)” card.

   I think about the “When people say it’s a marathon, not a sprint, I don’t think they get how much you hate running” every time a doctor, nurse, friend, family member, etc reminds me that it’s a long road to health, a marathon, I must endure to get to the other side, etc.

   In looking at them, just saw the one that said “What I want you to know as your time on earth grows short…..” and started to cry. “When I’m feeling happy, I will remember what it felt like to be with you, and I’ll know you’re watching over me.” Damn. I’ve never seen a card before that just acknowledged that someone was dying straight up, and I know my best friend would have f-ing loved it, she was so sick of people dodging around that she was dying. One of our friends said to her late in the game “When this is all over….” and my friend cut her off and said flatly “You’ll be at my funeral.”

   Also, I like the coffee cup that says “Everything will be OK everything will be OK everything will be OK EVERYTHING IS F-ED”.

   1. The creator of these cards, Emily McDowell, is a cancer survivor herself and that was an inspiration for the messages she creates.
      https://www.macalester.edu/news/2016/04/honest-messaging/

   2. Wow, I’m so impressed there are cards that acknowledge that death is the only outcome. My best friend really struggled when people told her to stay positive when her mom was on hospice and it would have really helped her if more people had been able to accept the fact that she had only weeks to live. The people who DID do that were remembered so fondly by the whole family (and me).

      1. I was typing out a long thing, but, yeah, agreed- accepting that would have helped my friend, too. Instead of telling her to “just keep fighting, you’ll get through it!” No, she wasn’t, she knew that.

6. Someone posted about putting fresh flowers in their WFH space and how it brightened up their work area. We have roses blooming in our backyard right now (thanks, Previous Homeowners!) and I clipped a few, put them in a jar, and put them on my desk. They are just really lovely to look at while I’m working and it’s a great pick-me-up for today. So thanks for the suggestion!

   1. That was me on the morning thread. You’re welcome!!!

7. I’m going to a CLE right now in a niche area that I’ve presented on many, many times. They’ve taken parts of my training! My exact words! My SLIDES! One of the presenters asked if they could use one table I made, and I said sure, but I’m watching my own slides presented to me, which I absolutely did not OK. I am both shocked and furious.

   1. I’d guess an intern or summer “helped” the person with their CLE — or at least that would be my presumption when reaching out to the person presenting.

      1. I would also think this except the dude told me he was preparing the slide deck….when he asked if he could use one thing I created.

   2. Rip them a new one, Sloan!!!

      1. Trying to figure out what to do now. Too angry at the moment to do anything productive except post about it on the internet angrily.

   3. I would be too. That’s inexcusable. Confront them with dated copies of your materials to demonstrate yours were published earlier–I’ve seen Ask A Manager do this when her plagiarists actually claimed she had copied them! You can also primly state that you gave permission to use that one table, but there was never any discussion of them using entire slides, especially without attribution.

   4. I once went to a pitch meeting from someone who had worked with us before. I had run some numbers on their work with us and then left the team – so they weren’t expecting me to be in the room. They included my numbers/analysis in their pitch! They did acknowledge that they were my numbers but were a little surprised to see me there.

   5. Surely this is something you can bring to the attention of whomever hired the person to present?

      1. It’s the state bar association. I plan on bringing it up to them, or having someone much higher up the hierarchy at my org do it on my behalf. Because I’m pissed.

   6. Oh, that is just awful. I am so sorry.

      I was once the victim of plagiarism, but it was in print so I didn’t have to watch the perpetrator present my material as her own. It feels terrible. You don’t want to make yourself look bad by complaining in the wrong way, but you don’t want to let someone else get away with stealing your work either. I don’t think I would confront the plagiarist openly during the session–too many things could go wrong. My approach was to have my boss consult our general counsel and then raise the issue with the plagiarist’s employer. The results were dissatisfying. The plagiarist was apparently fired, but the plagiarized document was never retracted and continues to be cited. This sometimes puts me in the awkward position of having to explain the plagiarism to collaborators from other institutions who want to rely on the plagiarized work. What is most galling is that he plagiarist ended up landing a new and better job with a prestigious organization, and I recently came very close to having to collaborate with her directly.

      1. That is very upsetting. The consequences of the plagiarism seem to be following you long-term, and not her.

      2. Well, my boss’ boss’ boss disagrees with me that it was blatant copying. I literally sent her a comparison of their slides to mine. So now I’m doubly pissed and ready to throw something. I think I’m going to cool off for a night because at the moment I want to light the presenter who did this on f-ing fire.

         1. Yeah that’s way over the top.

         2. Yep, it’s been a difficult day for many reasons, so I know it’s an overreaction. I’ll chill before I do anything. :)

            1. You are justifiably pi$$ed. But how can you create an opportunity out of this. You are clearly a subject matter expert/ knowledge leader. Perhaps, you can reach out to the presenter and have a discussion about using your materials without crediting them and can he do so in the future–maybe there is another co-presenting opportunity on the horizon? With the Bar–is there a way to discuss this and indicate that you would be open to presenting (since the presenter’s are using your material?)

               I know that your hard work has been stolen–but it is also a tremendous compliment and very likely an opportunity for you if you can get past the pi$$ed.

            2. Thanks for help reframing! I appreciate it.

8. Does anyone have any good books, courses, or other resources (HGTV shows?) on flipping houses? Thanks!

   1. Ugh, not HGTV shows. Asking this kind of question probably means flipping homes isn’t something you should do

      1. Is it necessary to be rude?

      2. This is not the most diplomatic reply but I can’t help but think the advice is sound.

9. Is anyone here in higher ed or can just generally advise on how to approach things in a large, complex organization?

   I am in a role that has comparable — though not identical — functions in several areas of the university. (Think something along the lines of marketing.) I receive a directive from Boss to do a Thing, which unbeknownst to me, another senior administrator has also assigned to a same-level colleague in a different area/office. Sometimes it’s obvious that I need to touch base with said colleague to make sure he/she isn’t doing something similar or not already on that assignment — but not always. Basically, there’s a lot of confusion about who owns what, and of course each of our bosses think they “own” that information, and we middle managers get stuck in the middle. Administrators are not close enough to the work to understand the confusion taking place; they just know that it’s getting done, somehow.

   This arrangement is royally p!ssing off someone I work with regularly, and I really don’t know how to handle it anymore. I’m frustrated, too, and I need to maintain a good relationship with him. I honestly don’t care who does the assignment, but if my boss asks, I do feel accountable for making sure it happens in some fashion.

   Help? Assume that communication channels are VERY informal and the bosses aren’t likely to change — so whatever happens differently needs to occur/get systematized at the middle level.

   For anyone considering a higher ed career, let this be your warning. There are too many cooks in the proverbial kitchen.

   1. Do the assignment your boss have you and don’t apologize. If someone else is in a snit about it that is their problem to raise with their boss.

   2. Yeah, this is just higher ed unfortunately. I don’t have great advice but I could have written this exactly, and from talking to other people it’s super common. The right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing.

   3. Before you start the project, can you just reach out to all your counterparts to give them a heads up that you’ve received this assignment? I don’t know if someone else working on the same thing means you have to stop your work, but at least you can cover your bases by communicating with them early in the process.

10. Anyone else feeling…weirdly antisocial lately? A friend from college randomly messaged me to catch up and I bristled and stewed about how much I didn’t want to have to explain my whole current life to this person. And then a coworker emailed to say “hey remember how we used to do a couple laps around the building every lunch time? Want to start again now that it’s nice outside?” and I am dreading answering because I don’t want to spend time with her. Am I turning into a crank? Can I blame this on the pandemic? I just want to hibernate.

    1. Yes, I’ve been dreading all social interaction. I’m very comfortable with my life right now. BUT it’s been okay when I’ve actually made myself do it. So you may surprise yourself?

    2. A bit? I’ve found myself “nesting” a lot, for lack of a better term. Fixing up my place, cooking a ton, hibernating with my SO. I think I’ve gotten used to a very calm, cozy, comfortable, predictable environment. On the other hand it is wildly under stimulating, I’m bored and don’t remember what month it is, and there’s a low grade simmering loneliness and anxiety that is subject to random spikes. I don’t want to get together with people I’m not already very close with and talk about “the new normal” or what dumb thing Trump said today or hear the phrases “social distancing” or “frontline heros” one more time. I’m sure I’ll feel better once I start to get back into the swing of socializing, but it sort of feels like a rainy day where I’m content to be curled up on the couch.. like, right now I’m content to lie down and arrange my body such that I have all snacks within arms’ reach for hours, but I’m probably better served by getting up and stretching. Inertia, I guess.

       It sounds like you’re not interested in social interaction where you have to perform or put on a mask. Reasonable.

    3. My husband has settled into uncharacteristic anti-socialism. We had zero plans or commitments this week, but he didn’t want to plan a backyard visit with a good friend because it “felt like we had too much going on.” When I told him we had exactly nothing going on, he was still weird about it. He also doesn’t want to zoom call any of the long distance friends we talked to back in March and early April. He hasn’t talked to his sister in over 2 weeks, and he’ll barely pick up for his mother.

    4. I’m antisocial now too, but I think it’s because whenever I talk to anyone they either just 1) complain about how unhappy and anxious they are or 2) act very smug and unconcerned for how people are being impacted by the emotional and financial side of this, because, hey, they’re doing fine sooooo #lockdownforever! I’m aware I’m not immune from this myself (I’m #1 in case it wasn’t obvious) but both kinds of interactions are deeply unpleasant for me. I find it much more restorative to do something that doesn’t involve other people, like reading.

    5. Yes, I feel this way too. I enjoy a zoom now and again, but the frequent-ness of them when this first started had to go for me, so I just kind of stopped dialing in to some. I find them really disruptive to my day, even though you technically have nothing else going on. I also find in normal life we are a bit over scheduled, so I at least want some of the silver lining of all this to be that I felt like I actually spent quality time with my kids and husband, not feel like I’m racing into another room to zoom every friend I’ve ever met every other night & ignoring my family. Finally, agreed with another poster that the conversations are often riddled with just talk about the virus and the anxiety about whether school will start again and I just don’t need that in my “down” time.

    6. Yup being a cranky hermit is a sign of depression.

    7. I’ve been talking a lot less with friends because I don’t have anything to talk about except COVID, I hate it, I’m stressed, and I just feel like I don’t want to talk one more time about this whole nightmare situation. I did push myself to hang out with a friend on a socially distanced walk this weekend, and met another friend for another socially distanced chat, which felt good but it’s only people who I’m really close with because I also don’t want to explain my life to someone I don’t know well.

11. Please get rid of the Former Smoker ads.

    1. Thank you for reading! Please 1) click “report this ad” (and click the checkbox that says you’re the publisher, if there is one”) or 2)if you want to send me a screenshot through our contact/tech support Page maybe I can track one down. The ad company serves 1000s of ads targeted through complex mechanisms to individual viewers; I’ve never seen that one. Thank you for your patience!

    2. Oh god, yes. I’ll try to remember to take a screenshot if I see it again.

12. In case anyone was thinking about shopping online, but worried about return times if you aren’t yet comfortable or able to go into a store, i wanted to share that Banana Republic has been the worst about processing online returns–returns are taking 30 business days from the date that the package was received by them–and even then, after the 30th day, i finally had to track customer service down to process my return. the warehouse was still so behind. Lululemon is also incredibly slow. Customer service suggested 15 business days, although it is now day #15, and i am currently number 290 in a live chat queue to get someone to track this down for me. Other retailers (like Nordstrom and Ann Taylor) have been normal about processing returns.

13. Empathy isn’t synonymous with sympathy. These are sympathy cards.

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