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I mentioned these briefly in the strappy heels roundup last week, but I thought they deserved a highlight of their own. Look how purty! I think all of the iterations here are great — of course I love the purple on purple, but there's a lovely teal version, as well as silver and black. I like the slightly pointed almond toe, as well as the 3.25″ heel. Love. (For tights weather, either try it with a tightly woven nude-for-you fishnet (know your office!!) or navy tights. The shoe is $110 at Zappos. Seychelles Portrait PumpsSales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – 11/5 only – 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Gail the Goldfish
I have just noticed a tiny hole on the sleeves of my silk blouse I’m wearing today, which is one of my favorites. 2 questions related to this: 1) How can I stop the hole from getting any bigger ? Will clear nail polish work? I doubt it can be repaired. and 2) Does anyone have a favorite place for collar-less (or mandarin collar) long sleeve silk blouses? This one happens to be button down, but I’ll consider pullover.
Maddie Ross
No idea about repair, but I like Uniqlo’s silk blouses. Collarless and collared.
A Clark
I did too, but I just discovered that my purchases from June already have stretch marks by the seams whereas my Thomas Pink ones from 2011 do not.
tesyaa
I think clear nail polish will show. If it’s a woven shirt, the hole will not “run” like a stocking, so it won’t get bigger quickly. A hole in a knit shirt or sweater will unravel quickly.
hoola hoopa
If it’s a favorite, I’d take it to a tailor to mend. They may not be able to 100% repair it like-new, but they can do a lot and you’ll likely be able to continue wearing it, under a jacket at least and maybe better.
Clear nail polish would work, I suppose, but don’t do it if you’re going to mend. And that might be itchy.
LilyStudent
For something less solid than nail polish, try a spritz of hair spray each time you wear it?
TO Lawyer
Try aritzia for silk blouses – I have a few and they’re wardrobe workhorses
Anon
Put a piece of tape on the inside until you can take it somewhere.
Duchess
I like C. Wonder for silk blouses. I got a beautiful green collarless one there (it’s in the sale section now) a few months ago.
Anon
No advice on how to stop the hole, but if you’re ultimately unable to repair it, perhaps you can have it made into a short-sleeve silk blouse.
Gail the Goldfish
Thanks, everyone! I stuck a piece of tape on it for now and we’ll see what the tailor can do. Now for the quest for new silk blouses!
Wegg
Don’t buy J crew silk blouses. They are made from terrible quality silk. I bought a few to upgrade my wardrobe, and they all have weird ripply pulls on the arms and thinning where my purse straps cross my back. And my purse is not heavy – I only wear them when I’m not taking work home for this very reason. Ridiculous.
Bonnie
These shoes are giving me flashbacks to shoes I had in the 80s.
hoola hoopa
Yes, but in a good way for me. ;) I’ve always loved that color! It needs to come back.
Parfait
I like everything about these except the pointiness. My feet are oblong and would not put up with it.
Anon
Aren’t everyone’s feet oblong? I thought your toes weren’t supposed to go in the point, so it they don’t need to be point-shaped at the front.
Parfait
You’d think. Even though the toes don’t go right INTO the point, they do get squeezed in the narrowing part. A lot of people’s toes are more squishable, I think, and don’t mind being mooshed together some. My toes take exception to this.
SuziStockbroker
Can anyone recommend a brand of “tightly woven nude fishnets” as suggested by Kat in the post?
Bonnie
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/oroblu-tricot-fishnet-tights/3149190?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=2375500&fashionColor=SABLE&resultback=124&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-searchresults-_-1_2_A
anon
+1 love these
anon
I like the idea of these as a less frumpy substitute for nude stockings, but I’d only wear nude stockings with a business formal outfit (a suit) in a situation that requires that level of dress (like a client meeting or court appearance). Are women really wearing fishnet in that context?
Bonnie
Hue also makes a tightly woven pair http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/hue-fishnet-hosiery?ID=471469
Lyssa
Silly question – why would we choose the fishnets over regular nude-for-you hose? Isn’t the effect basically the same (at least, to anyone who doesn’t get down on their knees and examine your legs)? (I don’t know that I’ve ever seen these fishnets IRL, so maybe I’m missing something).
Anon
I wear them because my feet slide out of pumps when I walk unless I wear fishnets or no hose.
Rachelellen
I used to love wearing black fishnets with pants. It’s just a little extra texture and sass, in a small manageable space. I think Kat is suggesting the same thing- nude takes away some of black’s fav-va-voom but adds a little interest.
AIMS
I feel very frumpy in most “nude” stockings (unless they are a perfect match and look perfectly natural) and very chic in “nude” fishnets. The effect for a casual observer may be the same, but I feel much more put together in the latter. As for a more practical reason, I find that fishnets can be surprisingly durable whereas hose that is thin enough for me not to feel frumpy usually gets snagged pretty easily (by me, anyway).
anon
I love nude fishnet hose in the spring and fall when I don’t feel like bare legs would work and when it’s too hot for tights. Agree that I feel good in them versus frumpy in nude hose. I also like black fishnet trouser socks.
Also like the Hue brand.
Anon
Simply Vera at Kohl’s
Ellen
Yay! I love these shoe’s Kat–maybe it is b/c I was born in the 1980’s! Doubel Yay b/c I will get these shoe’s even if the manageing partner is NOT going to pay for them b/c they are NOT 4″ heels. I get a little tired alway’s showing my calves to all the men, so maybe 3 1/4 inch heels wont be as hard on me walkeing to and from the 6 line.
I am sorry to be late to the party today, but I was SO BUSY researcheing the law on law firm best billeing practice’s. There is NOT a lot of law on this, as it is NOT a legal thing, even tho only lawyers are allowed to bill for legal services. Which mean’s that Lynn’s time has to be billed at the paralegal rate, b/c she is NOT a lawyer. I also learned that we have to amend our stationery to say that Mason is NOT ADMITTED IN NY. When I told the manageing partner that, he said that was no big deal and we would wait until we moved to the new office b/c he did NOT want to pay for all new STATIONERY with that added below Mason’s name. And if Mason can get admitted quickly, it is a mute point. So I researched this and found out that he is NOT abel to get admitted here w/o takeing the NY Bar b/c he got low score’s in Pencilvania and they will NOT let him in here b/c there bar is to easy. So I told the manageing partner I did NOT want any trouble with the state bar of NY b/c I am NOW a partner and it would be the firm’s probelemo not just the manageing partner’s. So he got snippy with me just b/c I was the barer of bad news? FOOEY on HIM! I think that I am to smart for this firm some times b/c I tell the manageing partner things he is NOT even aware of and he is the manageing partner, not me. I suppose I will be the manageing partner after the manageing partner retires, but with his young child, he is not about to leeve to soon. That is good b/c I would have to talk onley to myself, as the other partner’s are even dummer then the manageing partner on these complex issues of law.
Anyway, Noah texted me a picture of him in the ER–he look’s like a real doctor so I sent it on to dad to show him that there are OTHER men then David, and they are quality MD’s, so he does NOT have to parade my tuchus around to David and his dad. YAY!!!!!
Paging Interior Designer Recs
I recall a few months ago, somebody (not in NYC) posted that they loved working with a relatively newer designer that does inexpensive consultations and is based in NYC. I can’t seem to find that recommendation. Do you mind reposting the recommendation? TIA!
Anon in NYC
I think it was Emily C. Butler.
Batgirl
Hoping to get some wisdom from this knowledgable group of (mostly?) women.
My new sister-in-law (I just married in but she’s been part of the family for 10 years–also married in) is an extremely sensitive and demanding person. It is not an understatement to say that she is very easily offended and demands to have everything her way. My husband’s family is accommodating to the point of absurdity, and it’s already driving me crazy. She doesn’t listen to reason and holds serious grudges for years. In the short time I’ve known her, despite always walking on eggshells around her, she’s found reason to get upset with me not one, but twice, in a way that required me to give an apology that I think was completely unwarranted.
I’m hoping this group can give me some advice about how to stomach her demanding nature and/or to set boundaries without turning it into a family feud. I refuse to give into her every demand and am mostly taking the approach of keeping a polite distance, trying to acknowledge her feelings before things escalate, but also maintaining my ground when it’s worth it (I hate that I have to choose when it’s worth it).
My husband is fairly good about this but he thinks it’s easier to just give in most of the time than to let her get offended/upset and pick a fight.
Anyone have experience with this? I need coping mechanisms–I also need some advice about how to set boundaries in general, I think.
Sydney Bristow
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice but I wanted to say congratulations on getting married!
Batgirl
Thanks so much! Wonderful husband, annoying sister-in-law–can’t complain too much!
Hildegarde
Yes, I don’t know what to do about the SIL, but congratulations!
Anon for this
I’ve got a similiar situation with a family member – not SIL, more distant – but we’ve both married in and that side of the family is very close. I think it depends on what you’re being asked to give in on to a large degree. Is she trying to dictate things like the timing or choice of meals or locations of celebrations? To me, if she’s asking for things that aren’t your style, but not worth the headache like having ham for thanksgiving dinner rather than turkey, I’d probably just be accomodating. If it’s more vitriolic and crazy stuff (which it is in my circumstance), I’d be more likely to draw a firm line. I personally severely limit the time we spend with this family member, refuse to do anything alone with her, and refuse for my child to be alone with her. But I have my husband on board with course of action, which I think is the key. I cannot get him to say anything to her or her husband, but I have his complete support in essentially cutting myself and my child off from the crazy.
Anonymous
On the other hand, I think serving ham on Thanksgiving is worth total war.
Baconpancakes
SMACKDOWN! TURKEY VS HAM
PAY PER VIEW AT 11
SF Anon
This just made my day. Laughing out loud – the perfect antidote for this morning’s episode of partneritis (“That thing I signed off on ages ago? Now that it’s crunch time…why aren’t we doing it completely differently?” Sigh.) Thanks, Baconpancakes!
Batgirl
It’s somewhere in the middle. I’d love to give real examples since they’re bonkers but I don’t want to out myself in case she reads this blog. A made up example that could definitely happen would be her choosing the location for every family event even when we suggest alternatives that work better for us (using her kid as an excuse every time)…or suggesting we order almost exclusively vegetarian food when we’re ordering in even though she’s the only vegetarian in the group of 10…or insisting that my father (who she just met) brush his teeth because he ate peanuts an hour earlier because she has a peanut allergy (that is in no way is that serious) because the “spittle” might get on her.
AIMS
How often do you see her? Because not to say that she doesn’t sound annoying, but I find it easier for my own life to just accept crazy people as being crazy, limit my exposure to what I find annoying, and not engage for the sake of a point.
I had an ex whose mother we would visit every so often for a weekend. She would panic if you wanted to shower while it was raining because you might get struck by lightening. It was much easier to just accept that this was a valid reason and work around it since at most that would inconvenience me 1-2 times a year.
As for the other examples, it’s a sad fact of life that people with kids will always choose a more convenient for them location because kids are supposed to be a magic trump card. FWIW, I don’t try to fight it. The way I look at it is I don’t want their kid coming to my favorite restaurants to misbehave anyway, and if I have kids later (when theirs will presumably be older) I can do the same thing at that point. Foodwise, just order your own stuff. Don’t wait for her to say we should order X or Y, just pick out one or two things you want, smile, and say, “Oh, I definitely want A and B!” And the teeth brushing — well, if it’s not you she’s trying to force into something, just save it as something to roll your eyes about later. My coping mechanism is to just turn it into a game, something you can b*tch to all your friends about later. But don’t make this into a you vs. her, sane vs. insane thing — it will not be worth it.
And congrats on getting married!
Batgirl
Thanks, this is good advice. The annoying thing about the kid/location piece is that she’s very inconsistent about it–and I guarantee when we have a baby (hopefully very soon), we won’t get the same deference as her baby will get. There’s her and then the rest of the world. Also complicates matters a bit that we’re the same age because I feel like she needs to get over herself.
Batgirl
I should add that because we live in the same city, I see her about every 4-6 weeks.
lucy stone
Batgirl, did we marry brothers who have an annoying sibling-in-law?
Anonymous
Stop walking on eggshells. Be as kind and accommodating to her as you would be to anyone, but not extra. Don’t apologize when she gets mad. And spend less time with her. You and your husband of your thing, she does hers.
Batgirl
Good advice–I just have so much trouble with it because I really hate conflict.
Anon
+1 Apologizing, in my head, means you’re admitting wrongdoing. From what you’re describing, you’re not doing anything wrong. Apologizing is enabling her to further believe that she is right in her behaviors and requests.
Anon
I would limit any apologies to “sorry you are upset but we’re doing XYZ” vs. “sorry that we’re doing XYZ”
Any apologies should focus on being empathetic that she is upset but unwavering in your decision to do what is right for you and your DH
Batgirl
Right, I should say that my apologies to her are “I’m sorry if you’re hurt but this is why we’re doing it this way and it wasn’t intended to hurt you–and we’re not changing what we’re doing.”
Anonymous
Why are you apologizing that she’s hurt? That’s a bs apology. Either apologize you hurt her or don’t pretend you’re sorry when you’re not because you didn’t do anything wrong.
Anon
replying to Anonymous — i don’t think it’s a BS apology – it’s being empathetic about something being upseting to her without stating that OP is doing anything wrong.
Anon
Don’t explain it – just do it!!
A logical person might understand empathy; this person sounds like she’ll eat it up.
Batgirl
@Anonymous–I definitely agree that some apologies are b.s. but I don’t think this is one of those. I am sorry that she’s hurt–but I’m not sorry for what I did. I am saying that I’m sorry that she’s hurt but that this is why she shouldn’t be (in my opinion).
Anon in NYC
Congratulations on getting married! My MIL is not as bad as your SIL sounds, but she is high maintenance and historically it had been easier for FIL, my husband, and BIL to just give in to her. When my husband and I first moved in together (around 24-ish), he used to give in to her demands all the time. He knew that he wanted the dynamic to change but couldn’t figure out how to do it.
The thing that has worked best with my MIL is to just say what we are or are not going to do and stick with it. For example, “no, MIL, we are not going to go to nephew’s birthday party,” or “yes, MIL, we will go to this family event on Saturday.” And then we do or do not do those things.
In the beginning she was terrible about it – she’s manipulative and would give my husband guilt trips – but we found that by being direct and just weathering through the storm, it got easier. She is still passive aggressive and gives us guilt trips about not going to certain things, but we don’t care.
Of course, my husband is on the same page and is the primary one to deal with his mom. My advice would be that before you or he commit to family things, to get on the same page about your response, and then have him execute it and stand firm. Yes, SIL will get upset (and MIL/FIL/BIL may get upset too), but you have to do what works best for your family. Sometimes that does mean giving in, but other times it just doesn’t.
L
Crazypants bingo. Gets me through dealing with my family every time.
neck acne?
I think we have the same sister in law! Mine will not pick the fight though, she goes through my brother in law, has him talk to my husband, who then has to tell me what I am doing wrong.
Batgirl
Actually that is EXACTLY what happened this last time!
Anonymous
Or, you husband doesn’t “have” to do anything. And he certainly doesn’t “have” to tell you what Princess Pouty says. He can just stop the stupid drama chain if gossip in it’s tracks, and tell his brother. “Bro, I love you, but call whining about my wife again and I’m hanging up.”
Anon
Yes!!!
Batgirl
To be fair, the brother was saying she was upset at BOTH of us about something wedding-related. I just stepped up because it started snowballing into “and she thinks Batgirl didn’t do this other thing.”
Anonymous
But. Still. Hang up.
neck acne?
That’s true – and my husband told me as more of a joke. I have also told him that I will no longer discuss our relationship directly with him, but call his brother to deliver the news.
Batgirl – I feel ya. However, I have been in the family for 10 years, she has only been around for 3!
Someone
Sorry for the TJ…but what if this is a roommate? .______.
Batgirl
Move out! :)
Someone
I can’t…long story about the way the lease is structured. And avoidance isn’t really a great option either, as obviously I’d like to be able to enjoy the space I’m paying for…
Anon for this
So, I have a meeting I am chairing tonight. Someone mentioned she had a proposal she’d get to me and the co-chair on Friday, for tonight’s meeting. I got it this morning, co-chair is out of the country.
It’s no ordinary proposal, it will fundamentally change the way the group operates and have far reaching implications.
I thanked her and said we would not be able to discuss tonight, as per the fact I just got it this morning, and my co-chair has not yet seen, and that the agenda is full.
She has replied that she is going to bring it up in her scheduled update as (she says) it is time sensitive, and will moderate the discussion on it.
This is a very strong personality (who has much more experience in this group than I do) that I generally like very much, however, I am feeling steamrolled. Further, it is the co-chair and I who will be “wearing” this if it turns out to be a bad idea.
I’m not very happy about this, but she is indeed to give an update on her area of responsibility.
Don’t know if I am asking for advice or just venting. My co-chair would shut this down, for sure.
Anonymous
Shut it down. Let her give her update. When she introduces this say. “As I told you earlier today, you did not provide your proposal on this in time to include it in the meeting. We will put it on the agenda. Next speaker.”
This is your job at the meeting. Do it.
Anon
+1
Anon
+100
Sunshine
Is there a chance this person is taking advantage of the fact that your co-chair is out of town? If your co-chair would shut it down, do you see any reason you shouldn’t do the same? I’d say tell her firmly that it will not be part of tonight’s agenda, and if she does bring it up, let her speak but then jump in and say, “Mary, as we discussed, your proposal wasn’t provided with enough notice to make tonight’s meeting, so it will be addressed in a subsequent meeting after everyone has had a chance to prepare.”
Anonymous
And respond to her now and say. “No. You won’t. Your proposal came in too late and we are discussing it next time. I am the chair of this meeting.”
Sunshine
+1 – so there’s no confusion that you passively “endorsed” her bringing it up by not explicitly telling her no earlier.
Anon
Toss a CC on that reply to your cochair, or at least forward it to the co-chair so he/she is in the loop of your stance before it gets to be a bigger issue.
Medic Maggie
My non-work-looking-work bag arrived today. I got the Squall tote from LE, it’s on sale for $20! It is nice and big–big enough for a laptop, and legal folders (my critical criteria). Plus, just a great bag for travel and such. I would prefer that it had a longer handle drop, but that’s no big deal. They’re still big enough to put on my shoulders, and it has a long strap to wear as a crossbody. Score.
Curly Inspiration
Can you all recommend bloggers or places to find inspiration for how to cut/style my wavy/curly hair? It’s 2b/c and I feel like just searching images for naturally curly or wavy hair is ineffective because most of them aren’t actually natural or are too curly/kinky to be comparable. I’m especially interested in professional styles since I often struggle with feeling like I look professional when wearing my hair natural.
SD Girl
I always find inspiration on Pinterest. I can’t give you any other advice because my hair is just plain old boring straight.
anon
I have this hair and have struggled with finding good photos. Haircut that works for me is essentially a shag (overall length varies by year, but manymanymany layers), which lets the curls be a little more curly than they’d otherwise be. That and a serious hold hair gel (spray gel, but just applied by hand to wet hair and scrunched when almost dry to get rid of crunchiness). This haircut lets me just wear my hair down but feel like it’s a “hairdo.”
Rachelellen
Isn’t naturally curly.com the HG?
Curly Inspiration
I’ve found they offer a lot of good tips, but their gallery is lacking for my type of hair.
Mpls
So what kind of wavy/curly is it? Strong, but loose? Wavy if you air dry?
Mine is a thick (quantity) and fine (texture) with the ability to curl/wave if I air dry and treat it right. But I don’t treat it any different for having the curl, because it isn’t a strong curl.
Anonymous
Rant warning:
I’m 16 weeks pregnant with twins and I have a horrible cold. I’ve been sick since last Wednesday night and stayed home sick on Thursday and Friday. I can’t stay home anymore due to workload and logistically I am not able to work from home (we are as far from paperless as it gets). I have my office door closed and three people have now knocked and asked me if a cookie or a candy or if blah blah blah will make me feel better. The next person that knocks on my door to ask me how I’m feeling (in a little baby voice) and if I want a cookie is seriously going to get knocked out. Thinking about a cookie makes me gag. If I wanted a cookie I would walk myself to the kitchen to get a f&ucking cookie. Okay, I think I’m better now……
Hildegarde
Ugh, you have my sympathies. I know when people do that type of thing they really are trying to be helpful, but it’s still really annoying. I hope your cold gets better soon.
N.B.
OK but (in a baby voice) how about some chicken soup?
Just kidding. Hope you feel better. 9 weeks along and the nausea has totally hit me and I wish you many saltines, chicken soup if that’s what you want, a call to you ob/gyne to get an Rx if you need it, a healthy pregnancy and actually helpful co-workers.
Jordan
A cookie sounds good…
Faux leather trim- opinions?
Is everyone liking the faux (or real) leather trim on everything this year? Not sure if I like it and how long it will be in style. This is going to be my big season for updating my bus- casual wardrobe and the sweater jackets I like, all seem to have this. It looks a little tacky to me but what do I know! Opinions ?
opinionated
I hate it. I refuse to buy anything with faux leather trim. I think it will look dated very soon and don’t think it adds any visual appeal to clothing.
Anon
OMG. Yes. Thank you – it’s AWFUL, and I feel like I am alone in this camp.
Hildegarde
I agree it looks terrible, and on most of the examples I see the leather placement looks almost random, as though the designer just knew bits of leather are trendy right now and so slapped some onto the garment s/he was already working on.
SF Anon
Yes! Begone, faux leather – the sooner the better.
Faux leather trim- opinions?
Thanks all. I’m not going to buy any “splurge” items with this!
Gail the Goldfish
I like some of it (like this blouse I found in my above-mentioned quest for silk blouses: http://www.anntaylor.com/faux-leather-trim-silk-tunic/350482?colorExplode=false&skuId=17176057&catid=cat2140022&productPageType=search&defaultColor=2416), but all I can think is “I’m going to have to get that dry cleaned,” and I’m trying to avoid buying things that must be dry cleaned.
LH
I love it and am buying way too much of it, even though I agree it will soon look dated. I’ve avoided buying blouses though because of the cleaning issue. I mostly want ALL the leather-trimmed blazers and since those don’t have to be cleaned as often, it’s easier to justify.
A Clark
It’s awful–how does one even wash such items?!
TO Lawyer
I’m obsessed with it (and it’s been pretty popular since last year) – I’m trying to control myself because how many leather-trimmed items can one person have
Baconpancakes
Along these lines, anyone have experience with fake leather leggings? Belle at Caphillstyle posted some recently and I suddenly want them, but I’m afraid to wear them once and be unable to wash them.
anon
I just bought a pair of top shop faux leather leggings from Nordstrom and I love them. love, love them
Noob
I’m a new attorney and have my first 12b6 hearing tomorrow (we are defending against a 12b6 motion). It’s telephonic, and my supervising attorney will be listening in. Any advice from the hive re: what to do to prepare, what not to do, general words of wisdom, etc. etc. Many thanks in advance!
BankrAtty
Telephone hearings are hard. Judges tend to dislike them because they can’t give non verbal cues to shut-the-eff-up. So if there were ever a time for brevity, this is it. Speak more slowly and clearly than you otherwise might. Mute the phone when you are not speaking. Stand up even though you will be in your office. Best of luck!
anon
can’t hurt to emphasize that the burden on a 12(b)(6) movant is very heavy… you don’t need much to defeat one. keep that in mind! but know twombly/iqbal obviously and definitely 12(b)(6) case law for your particular legal issue.
HOWDY
A good friend of mine (I consider her a good friend) went through a divorce a year ago. I went through a little party stage with her – we spent 4 days is Miami (last October), a few days in Vegas (November) and I just tried to be a good friend and be there for her when she needed me. I’m almost 31 (she’s 29 if it matters) and I’ve been married for 4 years. My husband and I decided to start TTC in the spring of 2014. I got pregnant in June – the first month we tried. My friend knew we were talking about it.
My really busy time for work is December through April. I admit I may not have been an excellent friend during this time but most of my friends understand that my time is really limited during this time of the year. We got together in May for brunch and she seemed a little distant. I know she started hanging out with/partying with a bunch of younger, single people that she works with. I thought it was great that she was really getting out there. I’ve tried arranging a couple of get togethers since May and she just said she was busy with work, or would call me “this week” and it never happened. I wanted to tell her our good news about the pregnancy by phone at the very least. Well, she never called me back so she found out by FB a couple weeks ago. She sent me a text that said “Ummmm……congratulations! How are you feeling? Hope everything is going well! I’ll give you a call this week”. I still haven’t heard from her. My feelings are really hurt. Do I just write her off as she’s obviously done to me? Send her an email that explains my feelings?
I understand that she’s in a different place in life than me. I have a lot of friends that are in a different place but I still consider them friends and I still want to get together with them. I’m not the type to have a friend for a season. Any advice?????
Anon for this
I totally understand why you’re hurt, but FWIW, I’ve been your friend. Not the divorce part but I lost the love of my life, who I was engaged to. When one of my best friends told me she was pregnant, I was outwardly happy for her but I kinda avoided her because it was just hard to face that her life was moving forward and mine was stagnating in the partying/dating/single phase which seems fun but get old quick.
I’m not defending her – she should be at least faking excitement for you – but I understand where she’s coming from so I would suggest not talking to her about pregnancy related things (I’m sure you have other friends you can talk to about this) and when you do see her, keeping the baby talk to a minimum.
HOWDY
Thanks for the response. Things to think about….
Anonymous
At a point where I’ve given up on certain friends since our lives are too different. Baby this year and happily married and stable job for two years. Have friends with none of those things and sometimes other issues (not financially stable), (life is either a party or devoted to one very specific thing), (bitter about failed relationship/infertility).
It’s a bit like when you leave high school but one of your friends doesn’t go to university. At a certain point there isn’t much left to talk about and it’s just awkward for everyone.
Go make some pregnant lady friends. :) That is what I did.
Anon
FWIW, there are many of us who have not been so lucky in love who would still like to remain friends with our married/new parent friends, even if their lives look much different than ours. Just because we’re bitter about failed relationships doesn’t mean we want you to ditch us for “pregnant lady friends.”
I’m very frustrated with the notion, implied by this post, that you must cease to be the person you are simply because you get married or have children–those things should be additional parts of your life to celebrate and certainly will affect the time you have to devote to friendships, but I just challenge the idea that you lose all common interests/values/whatever made you friends simply because you aren’t single anymore or aren’t childless anymore, and your friends are.
Em
Yeah, I think the anonymous above you sounds like they’re assuming a LOT about their single friends. I love to talk about and play with my friends’ kids and have things to talk about besides partying that they can’t do. Some of those things we may even have in common. Did you know that it’s possible that single and married people might both have jobs, for instance? Or enjoy hobbies like cooking? Or sometimes even read books? Or see movies (albeit parents might be seeing them on DVDs)? I know it’s a shocking concept, but give it a try – it just might work.
Conversely, if you’re someone whose only way of relating to your single friends is “have you met a nice boy? I just want you to be happy like me and baby Henry here!” then yeah, your lives are probably going to seem pretty different.
Anon
EXACTLY.
AlsoAnon
+100
anon
Thank-you. Plus 1 million. And I’m even more grateful now for my “pregnant lady friends” who didn’t ditch me.
Platinomad
I am still young enough that I haven’t truly gone through sooo much of this (more in the phase of people getting married than babies), but I am fairly confident that my friendships are built on something stronger than being in the exact same place in my life. In fact, I dont know that that is ever really the case with some of my best friends.
Ill want my best friends ive had for more than 15 years now no matter who is married, child ridden, ect.
Anonymous
Let it be. Call her when you feel like it, invite her out, understand that this is a down point in your friendship and leave room open for an up part someday.
HOWDY
Here’s my question though: when do you stop calling/texting? If someone doesn’t return your call after 5 attempts then isn’t it time to get the hint that they do not want to talk to you?? This is the point I’m at and it makes me sad.
Anon.
She is not depressed and eating pints of ice cream while watching romantic comedies. She is a person and has a life and things of her own to do. It would be different if you weren’t supporting her through bad times.
Call her once a week if it makes you feel better or send her the occasional one line facebook message.
People move on for all kids of reasons. It’s not the end of the world. You have a good exciting life right now, enjoy it with people who want to spend time with you.
Senior Attorney
To answer your question, I think after five attempts it’s probably time to give it a rest. Maybe wait until her birthday or Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever and send her a text saying “Thinking of you! Miss you! Would love to see you!”
LH
Hmm. This is tough. I can see why you’re hurt. I can also see why she was a little hurt if you went AWOL from December – April right after her divorce. I understand that you went to a lot of trouble to see her in the fall (two trips in two months – wow!) and of course you can’t do that during your busy season. But if you just stopped checking in on her entirely, I can see why she was hurt. Yes, your friends understand that you’re less available at this time, but when a friend goes through something as bad as a divorce, it seems like you should make more of an effort than normal to reach out.
Other than the “Ummm….”, which is a little weird but could charitably be interpreted as surprise I guess, her text seems like a pretty normal reaction, at least for someone who is not particularly effusive (I can say I’ve written similar messages to friends upon seeing their baby news when I was genuinely happy for them – I’m not a baby person and don’t really know what to say beyond “Congratulations! Hope you’re doing well.”). So the only thing that’s really weird is that she keeps saying she’ll call and doesn’t? Is it possible she really is having a busy period at work (and/or busy with dating or other things?) You yourself said you go through months-long periods where you’re not a very good friend, so I guess I’m curious to know why you seem to be automatically jumping to the conclusion that she’s lying/avoiding you. Even if you’re correct that she is avoiding you, my guess is that’s it’s hard for her seeing you get pregnant and having your life move forward while hers isn’t. Do you know if she and her ex-h were getting close to the point of trying to have a baby? If so, she may not only be mourning the end of the marriage but also the missed opportunity to be a mother, which may make it particularly hard seeing people get pregnant.
I wouldn’t send her an email – things are so easy to misinterpret in writing – and I definitely wouldn’t write her off forever. I would just give her a call and try to talk to her! Maybe after a phone conversation in which you both catch each other up on your lives things will be back on track. Or maybe things will still be weird (or you won’t be able to reach her) in which case maybe it’s time to let the friendship cool off a little and focus on other friends. But I wouldn’t cut someone out of your life forever for something like this, particularly when she went through a divorce less than a year ago. In my experience at least, some friendships wax and wane and maybe when she’s in a better place you too could become closer again.
HOWDY
Thanks for the thoughts. I wasn’t as attentive during my busy season but I don’t think I just dropped hero busy, but for example there was one night that I drove 30 minutes one way to have a drink with her on a Wednesday at 9 pm after I had worked a 13 hour day. I don’t think I just fell off the face of the planet…but maybe I did during that time.
I guess I jump to conclusions based on her facebook. She’s SUPER busy this weekend but then there’s pictures of her at the bar, or at brunch, or etc., etc. I guess everyone has different ideas of super busy.
HOWDY
To answer your question about her ex-h – no, they were no where near having a baby. They fought constantly about money and priorities in life. They couldn’t work it out so the divorced. I think babies were and still are very far away in her mind.
Unicorn
“My really busy time for work is December through April. I admit I may not have been an excellent friend during this time but most of my friends understand that my time is really limited during this time of the year.”
It sounds like maybe you are the type to have a friend for a season.
HOWDY
I don’t want to be totally defensive Unicorn but don’t you have times at work that you’re REALLY busy? Like you send a text that says – “how are you doing? Sorry I have been so distant I have been working my butt off. ” People get really busy but they have enough time to return a phone call generally. I didn’t just drop her, I just wasn’t able to go out and party or go out to lunch/dinner. I would give her a call/text to check up on her periodically. Does that make me a bad friend?
Unicorn
No I don’t think it makes you a bad friend. I do think you are making excuses to yourself about being so busy, when you might really know in your heart you could have been a better friend. Just a thought.
Clementine
As someone whose work has a very definite and serious busy season: my employer is lucky I show up to work in pants some days.
My friends have learned that I just disappear because of work. I try to send out the occasional text message to let a friend know I’m thinking of them, but sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Once the busy season is over, I generally spend a weekend sleeping 16 hours a day and then attempt to salvage my friendships. The good ones get it.
Anonymous
I have spent two years at a boutique firm always with at least one person below me on the totem pole who was useless. A whole mixture of didn’t show up, showed up but was incompetent, showed up and cried, showed up and watched porn, faked illness etc. One was so weird and useless a boss asked me if I thought he had a drug problem. None of them were ever fired. Many of them I have had to cover for, help, mentor and share my assistant with.
And now as I head off to another job, my boss has told me that he is taking my complaint about the latest idiot seriously, that he is also sick of this idiot and will fire him if he doesn’t shape up.
The irony (is this irony??) is killing me.
Wildkitten
I bet $10 the latest idiot never gets fired either.
Wildkitten
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Clementine
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