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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 116 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Sheath Dress with Power-Mesh Control by Shape fx

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Sheath Dress with Power-Mesh Control by Shape fx Good looking sheath dress from Spiegel! I've never tried their Power-Mesh clothes by Shape fx, but they've had the partnership for years now, which is usually a good sign. For $34 (and in a wide variety of sizes– regular, petite, plus, and tall), this well-reviewed dress seems worthy of a try. It  was $79, but is now $34, on sale at Spiegel.com. Sheath Dress with Power-Mesh Control by Shape fx Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)  

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Comments

  1. Ellen

    Yay! Fruegel Friday’s!!! I love Fruegel Friday’s! And I SUPER LOVE this sheathe dress! I think I will order it even if FRANK will be stareing at me weareing it. FOOEY on him if he does!

    I got a call yesterday from the Partner at Brian’s law firm. He said was I Interested in “goeing over to the dark side?” I said what are you talkeing about? He said that they were lookeing for another asociate to supplement Brian who is over worked, and they knew how sucesful I am in case’s against their firm.

    I told him thank’s but no thank’s b/c I enjoyed doeing what I do and that I was goieng to stay at my firm b/c I was goeing to be a partner. I did NOT even ask if they had a clotheing allowance b/c Brian alway’s is sloppy and I am sure would not buy clothe’s even if they gave him 50%!

    I told the manageing partner about the call and he seemed to be anxious about it. I told him NOT to worry, b/c I was happy here. He then thanked me for all of my hard work. He then said he was giveing another CLE, and would I want to be on the dais with him for this one? I said I would b/c I need to get more exposure in the comunity if I am ever to become a judge. He said OK — now I have to do some reserch so I can give him new POWER POINT SLIDES by the end of next week. I guess that is a FOOEY b/c I was NOT planning on doeing any work this weekend, but now I must — I am goeing to LI for Mother’s Day SUNDAY (YAY!) and she is bakeing me my favorite cookie’s!!!! DOUBEL YAY!!!!! I can do my reserch on my MACBOOK AIR or on DAD’s IMAC, and just e-mail it back to me… TRIPEL YAY!!!!

  2. Power mesh

    Can’t speak to it in clothes, but I love Power Mesh in my ballet leotards.

  3. Anon

    I had this dress, and on my curvaceous self, it was much too sexy for work. I ended up giving it away.

    • Not a Troll

      What makes something too sexy for work (besides the obvious — red lace over cleavage, etc.)? Couldn’t it be fixed by ordering a size up?

      • AIMS

        I think some items are just cut to be very close fitting and made in a fabric that is meant to be body-hugging. Think scuba suit – ordering a size up will not fix the appropriateness, it will just look like it doesn’t fit. With this dress, the neck line might be a bit too low, depending on your chest size, and if the fabric is very spandex-y it will just be too clingy for the office.

      • Lyssa

        I get the impression that a lot of it depends on what you are comfortable with and how badonka-donk your body is.

        With my pre-adolescent boy physique, I could probably show up in my undies and still not be too sexy. Too something, just not that. :)

      • A

        A lot of things just fit too curvy, figure showing for work, even in the right size.

      • Bonnie

        It’s also about the overall look. You can wear high heels, a tighter skirt, or a top with a lower neckline but should not wear them all at the same time. Individually, the items are ok, but when put together, are too much.

  4. Humdilly

    Just bought in two sizes – the bigger one for work and one size smaller to hem and wear on weekends! This is just the perfect plain black dress with SLEEVES I’ve been looking for. I’ll report back about fit.

    • Maru

      I just bought this and the site inexplicably applied a $10.20 discount to the purchase. The shipping was about $8, so all in all it came to about $32, including shipping!

  5. TO Lawyer

    Happy Friday! I just got an email from a client in large comic sans font – sigh. Can I go home yet?

    • Marilla

      You should totally reply in some ridiculous script font in purple. With clipart in your signature. And sign off “HAPPY FRIDAY!”

      • NOLA

        I had someone submit a job application with an animated gif in her signature. Yeesh.

    • goldribbons

      Yuck. I wish there was an Microsoft Office Add-on that would just change the font of incoming emails so they would display in whatever font type & size I feel like seeing. I also hate getting emails is SUPER TINY font — if I can’t read it without zooming in, I’m probably not going to read it any time soon.

        • bad daughter

          I do this with email from my mother. Her emails are annoying to begin with, and she sends them from her AOL address in comic sans, with emotocons. I finally learned I could decrease my rage by 50% or more by doing plain text from her.

    • Suzer

      I do this with email from my mother. Her emails are annoying to begin with, and she sends them from her AOL address in comic sans, with emotocons. I finally learned I could decrease my rage by 50% or more by doing plain text from her.

    • Anon

      Hah! might’ve been a computer glitch? I once received a draft of a letter of recommendation (for me) on federal agency letter head that had somehow changed to the Joker font as it made its way through the internet.

  6. Blazer / jacket question

    Can someone style this dress with a blazer / jacket / cardigan (possibly with some structure, maybe from a belt)?

    I can wear dresses, but am very junior varsity with what to wear with them besides shoes.

    Thanks!

    • Bonnie

      It would look great with a belt and a non-black blazer. I’d also wear a fairly substantial necklace to work with this dress to compensate for the lower neckline.

      I didn’t realize Spiegel was still around.

  7. Couples Therapy question

    Husband and I have discussed going for counseling re some communication issues we are having. I am not opposed to this and think it would be a good thing. I haven’t ever been to counseling before (alone or jointly, other than joint pre-marital counseling for a few sessions).

    What do I do with this (is it fair game for even discussing with a joint counselor? will husband feel ambushed? discuss bringing it up with husband before a session so he’s not ambushed): Husband has a long history of anxiety (and maybe some other issues) that he has long promissed to address (via independent counseling) but hasn’t. For several years. The result is that is is very over-stressed and very sleep-deprived and has a sleep-aid dependency that he occasionally abuses (as in takes it not as directed but stays up like a stoner and eats too much).

    I think that if he had dealt with this, he’d be a lot happier and and easier to interact with and I’d be a lot less resentful about shouldering a lot more of the household / small children burdens. Not to say that I don’t contribute to our issues in a negative way at times, but I feel that there is a 600 pound gorilla here that I can’t unilaterally fix.

    • goldribbons

      First, if you feel you can talk with your DH about this, you should. If not, it seems counseling would be the next best step. The point of counseling is to get you two to really talk to each other, listen, and figure out how to move forward. The first session (or first few sessions) will be get-to-know-you type, so make sure you find a counselor who’s committed to helping you two figure out solutions – not just airing your dirty laundry about the other spouse.
      If you feel you can’t talk to your DH about this, I think the best (most productive) way to bring it up in counseling is: “I need help with managing the home, raising the children, being loved, etc., and wish DH would contribute more.” Resentment is a really quick way to destroy your marriage, so nipping this in the bud (to the extent it is still a bud…) is a good plan. Make the problem a joint family-management / marriage-management problem and DH will be more receptive to figuring out solutions together. Make the problem about DH’s Big Thing and he’ll likely feel ambushed. He needs to acknowledge the problem if it’s going to get fixed.
      Good luck, and I hope this helps.

    • n.

      I think it’s quite likely that your DH’s anxiety will probably come up either during intake evaluation or during the course of therapy, and the couples therapist may well suggest individual therapy to your DH. So, I would suggest waiting to see if it comes up in therapy. If you’re already having trouble communicating, I think that bringing it up outside of counseling may not be the best way to go — at least if you bring it up in counseling you’ll have someone there to help you with that conversation. I think goldribbons is right that when you do bring up issues you want to address, do so in a way that focuses on the impact on you and what you’re experiencing, not what you think he should fix. You may be identifying the anxiety as the root cause of many of the problems you’re having, but maybe it’s not, or maybe there’s another way of dealing with it other than what you would suggest that he would prefer. So the focus should be on the outcome (you feel more supported at home) rather than the particular means of fixing the problem.

    • erika

      I agree with waiting until the counseling session to really talk about this issue. I will say that the absolute best thing that my husband and I learned was using the following statement to communicate:

      “When you _____, it makes me feel ______.”

      The key is that the first blank needs to be something that an objective, outside observer would see and the second needs to be just a very simple and specific emotion. In this case you could say “When you become sleep deprived, it makes me feel abandoned”. When you phrase it in this way it helps to avoid a defensive reaction because theoretically the first half is just a statement of a particular action with no judgement or emotion, and the second statement is something completely subjective that you are feeling that someone who loves and cares about you will not want you to feel. Obviously this is something that worked for us and I am not a therapist, but hopefully this helps you! Good luck.

    • Sarabeth

      If you are worried, can you give your husband some heads-up in advance that you are going to raise this subject? You don’t have to phrase it as though you think it’s the cause of all your problems; rather, you can just say that you don’t think it will be possible to have a complete discussion of your issues as a couple without at least acknowledging his anxiety. If you are having conversations about the possibility of going to counseling together, this seems like it could come up relatively naturally as part of a “what do we want to get out of this” discussion.

      My experience was, like others have said, that couples counseling was very much about how our own individual personalities/habits/issues might feed into our dynamic as a couple, so I do think this will come up inevitably as part of the process.

      • Sarabeth

        Also – if you really don’t want to bring it up in advance and are worried about how to broach the subject with the counselor, know that your counselor will almost certainly do one-on-one intakes with each of you. Largely these intakes are to screen for domestic violence and other issues that make couples counseling inappropriate, but you could use that time to ask the counselor’s advice on how to bring it up.

  8. roses

    Has anyone ever had the sleeves of a blazer slimmed? Any idea of about how much it would cost? Debating the merits of getting an online final sale item tailored or just re-selling.

    • darjeeling

      I have on a lightweight blazer and it wasn’t too expensive (I think about $20 IIRC). He also cut out the shoulder pads for free and the jacket looked much better afterward.

  9. SJ

    In honor of Frugal Friday, can anyone recommend a good drugstore brand BB cream? It’s starting to get humid and I usually switch up my winter moisturizer for a lighter, summery one about this time of year so any advice would be most appreciated. I have slightly sensitive skin and most of the recs on this site are a step above drugstore brand. Or am I deluding myself thinking I can find a good one at Target this weekend?

    • InfoGeek

      I use the Maybelline BB Cream and really like it.

      I have friends who like the Garnier BB Cream.

      • Humdilly

        I second the Maybelline. The Garnier one has a great texture but a very strong scent in my experience. If you like classic, perfume-y smells then go for it but it gave me a headache.

    • Anonymous

      I like the L’oreal bb cream (it’s the only drugstore brand one I’ve tried, but I’ve tried Dr. Jart and Clinique as well). I have somewhat sensitive, oily, hard-to-match skin and I was really impressed with how well it matched and covered. I’ve also heard lots of good things about the Garnier one.

      • MU JD

        I have used both Maybelline and L’Oreal. I am currently using L’Oreal and love it. It matches my super fair skin well and doesn’t look fake.

    • darjeeling

      I bought the Garnier one and it seemed really heavy and makeup-y (the only kind I’ve tried). I felt like it would be great if I were going to be on TV or something but it was a bit much for everyday. I did think I might use while it at the beach or somewhere where I’d want SPF without the shine.

    • Nellie

      If you’re going to Target, get the Boots brand. No animal testing. Great products.

  10. NYCG

    Two days before Mother’s Day, I just want to tell all the moms on this site that you’re awesome! I also want to give a special shout-out to any single moms who read this. My sister is one, and although her ex is very involved it is not easy to be the only adult in the house. I don’t think she gets told often enough how amazing she is, as a parent and as a sister. All this in addtion to being successful in a demanding career. So, I plan to call her this weekend to let her know how much I admire her, and through this post I want to say the same thing to all the single moms on this site.

    • Houston Attny

      When I was in law school, I was completely wowed by the single moms who were in law school with me. I was in a part-time program, so these ladies worked all day, went to school at night and had children. Seriously. I could barely get myself together, and they were responsible for other humans and actually managed it. I encourage and celebrate the three single moms in our office who are going back to school. How they do it, I do not know. Moms are great. I completely agree with you, NYCG!

    • Anonymous

      I was up in the middle of the night taking care of my sick dog and all I could think was “Multiply by (insert large number here) and this must be what you have to deal with when you have kids… how do parents do it?!” So here is my awkward salute to you moms out there, I am very impressed by all that you do!

  11. TBK

    Does anyone know if men’s organizations exist at all anymore? I love reading/commenting on this site, I also just joined my local Junior League, and I used to sing with a women’s choir — all of which have provided me with great communities, support systems, sources for advice, and friends. But for my husband, there seems to be nothing. He has friends and mentors, but sometimes he wants a broader base either for advice or just to share stories. Where do men go for this kind of support?

    • Anonymous

      They don’t go anywhere. Women are allowed to have exclusive networking and support clubs. Men are not allowed to do this. When women pass around business leads or make introductions or provide support to each other at Junior League or similar organizations that is fine, if a man does that at an athletic or other such exclusive club it is discrimination.

      • Anonymous

        They golf, play racquet ball, join rec sports teams, become involved in community service and church groups, and sulk on the Internet commenting on ATL. My friends husbands have had fun doing casual meetups at the batting cages in summer too.

        • Anonymous

          Don’t they join their College Club, professional organizations/conferences, and talk to their squash/golf/tennis/frat/[secret] society buddies? Or their wiser women classmates and colleagues? :) I think that’s what my guy friends do.

      • TBK

        Eh, I’m not totally thrilled with women-only business opportunities. I’ve been labeled “disadvantaged” before just because I’m a woman and I hate it. It makes me feel patronized and seems inappropriate given how privileged I actually am (there are lots of men who’d kill for my credentials). It makes me feel like people think I can’t make it on my own, just because of my gender.

        • Lyssa

          ITA with this.

          I like having something like this site or social organizations, where it’s mostly just chattering about what’s important (and sometimes not so important) in our lives – there’s a social dynamic for the genders to just have different types of relationships that is valuable- but I don’t want professional hand-holding just because I have b00bs.

          • cbackson

            Add me to the list of those agreeing. Plus, many of the most powerful people in my firm are men. I want networking/business development opportunities aimed at building my relationships with them, not those that are targeted to putting me together with women just because we’re women.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      There are men’s choirs still. I think there are some religious male only groups. There are other private clubs I think, that are still male only. I’m thinking of the Masons and maybe the Eagles but I could be wrong. I also think many of the “women only” clubs are actually open to including men, most men just don’t join them. My local women’s bar association has made it clear that they want to include male members but we only have ten or so.

      • Eleanor

        Yeah, the men’s groups that I’ve heard of are all religious; a couple people I know from law school joined Knights of Columbus. Church governance activities, like parish council, also seem to attract mostly men, though at most churches they’re not exclusively men.

    • InfoGeek

      The corresponding group for a women’s choir would be a men’s chorus or barbershop group. I know they exist around here, but maybe not everywhere.

      Not exclusively men, but has he looked at Kiwanis, Lions Club, etc.?

      There are still all-male fraternal organizations — Masonic Lodge, Knights of Columbus, etc.

      Many churches have men’s groups that meet for fellowship and service.

    • TBK

      My husband’s a non-singing atheist. He’s also not particularly athletic. I hear you on ATL — it’s like a bad frat house. Sigh. Maybe that’s the problem. Men just don’t interact (on the whole) in the same way women do. When something goes bad, I immediately tell everyone so I can get lots of support. He can’t imagine why I’d want everyone to know. Tend and befriend vs. the lone wolf.

      • goldribbons

        (disclaimer: these are generalizations, please nobody jump down my throat)
        Yeah – men seem to find camaraderie in just sharing experiences, rather than talking / getting to know each other the way women seem more likely to do. Is there a local beer course or food group he could attend? Would he do any of the Living Social group events? Some of them are couples-based, some are singles-based; he could jump into whichever he’s more comfortable. If he goes to the same place a number of times, he’ll start meeting people. Good luck — this is tough.

        • IA_Eng

          What’s your husband interested in? I’m amazed by how many buddies my husband has developed through his hobbies (ham radio and dirt bikes).

      • TCFKAG

        There are lots of men’s only activities out there in the world, though I think they tend to be a bit less formal. I know that role playing groups, trivia night teams, sport’s team affiliation orgs are often mostly men – your husband could probably find something like that to fit his interests on Craigslists.

    • anon

      Sports leagues. My husband spends pretty much all of his social time playing sports in his league, hanging out with the guys from the league, going on man-trips to tournaments and to play more, and trying to conspire to get all the wives to become friends (unsuccessfully). This whole thing is so man-centric that, while women are certainly allowed to come and watch games and tournaments, the thought of me coming to cheer him on is so embarrassing to my husband (who constantly wants my support and cheering in every other aspect of life!) that I just get the play-by-play afterward. His serious amount of man-time has spurred me to make more plans with my own friends, plan weekend trips with the girls and pursue my own amateur-ish sporting career and hobbies with much more energy!

      • anon

        Oh, and PS, this is a group of very competitive, go-getter type guys and they have all pushed each other and done a lot of work together in their business lives too. While not a formal business association, obviously, its been amazing for his networking (including older members of the league, etc.).

    • SC

      My husband is in two men-only social clubs. But we live in an old city in a southern state where this type of thing may be more the norm. He enjoys it. He is also not religious and not particularly athletic. The guys get together to drink and smoke cigars. The club also holds lectures, which was its original purpose – women are actually invited to that, and we often plan to go and then don’t.

    • Anonymous

      Some faith communities have this – like Knights of Columbus, and my brother is active with a men’s group via my sister in law’s Christian faith community. There are co-ed groups like Rotary, etc. some of this is more about connection and good works than gender.

  12. Sydney Bristow

    Ru, I ordered those Lands End shoes that you recommended and I love them! For anyone else looking for comfy casual shoes, I recommend them too. They are the Gatas Canvas Slip-On Shoes.

    • AEK

      I got a pair of these in tangerine on super-sale at the end of last summer. I wouldn’t walk miles in them (no real support, though very comfy) but love wearing them around for errands & things. Great substitute for flip-flops when my feet look like…my feet.

  13. Nonny

    OK guys, need help please!

    First, I feel like I need to apologize for all my pregnancy-related posts lately. I know some of you don’t like to read them, and I don’t want to turn into a crazy preggo lady, but there are so many weird things going on that I’ve never dealt with before, and you are all such knowledgeable people whose experience and ideas I respect. So I hope you can help me with one more thing and then I will try to lay off for a while.

    My parents are staying with us this weekend. This is quite unexpected as they are coming over for a family funeral. We weren’t planning on telling them about my pregnancy for another few weeks, and I want to keep it that way if possible. However, with the nausea and exhaustion increasing, the fact that I will have to pack snacks for the funeral tomorrow, and the fact that we will now be taking my mom out to lunch for Mother’s Day and I won’t be having a mimosa, I am worried about how to keep things on the down low. Do any of you have any suggestions? I may be completely out of luck and find I just have to tell them this weekend, but I want to avoid it if at all possible.

    Thanks so much.

    • Samantha

      If you don’t want to tell –
      Acid reflux. Gas. Feel like you’re falling sick with flu-like symptoms. Low blood sugar (need for frequent snacks).
      (Early pregnancy does often include these symptoms, so you may not technically be lying.)

    • FP Angie

      It’s your mom, and it’s Mother’s Day – wouldn’t you just tell her? I did tell my parents “early” when I was pregnant with my first on Christmas Eve.

      If not, fake food poisoning or something.

      • This

        Yes — why wouldn’t you tell?

        If your mother is like my mother, she’ll know (with #1, I kept saying how tired I was, and even before I knew I was pregnant, she knew I was pregnant). I am usually the energizer bunny.

        And if she does know and you don’t say anything, how do you think she’ll feel? She likely won’t bring it up, but if you are close, perhaps she will be hurt that you don’t.

        This isn’t like telling your boss.

      • bad daughter

        Uh, we didn’t tell our parents until we were ready for The World to know. We knew someone would slip up. We told at 12 weeks, and asked them not to say anything. Whaddya know, FIL and my mom both told a bunch of people. Good thing we knew better than to tell them at 8 weeks, when we found out and would have been REALLY upset if they spilled. Instead we were just mildly annoyed and also proud of ourselves for knowing their limits on secrecy.

    • ANP

      Pack your snacks in secret — that’s easy — and just retreat to the bathroom or something when you need to eat one. I’d tell her you feel like you’re coming down with the bug that’s been making the rounds of your office and stick to that story. If you’re under the weather that’s a pretty good cover.

      But remember — though I don’t know your relationship with your mom, it may not be the end of the world if she finds out this weekend. Either way, good luck!

    • Anonymous

      Can I ask why you aren’t telling your mom? It seems like you are close enough to have her stay with you, so I am surprised you wouldn’t just tell her. Is it possible to ask her to get a hotel room? or just fake food poisoning, but I think its going to be pretty obvious to her.

      • Nonny

        Fair question. The only reason I don’t want to tell her yet is that I’m paranoid I’ll have a MC. This would be a first grandchild and my sister had a MC a few years ago, so I don’t want to get her hopes up then have something happen. I was just going to wait a few more weeks until the likelihood of a MC had lessened somewhat. But you guys are right – short of telling her I’m sick (which would be highly unusual given I’m normally pretty healthy), this is going to be a tough one. I may have to bite the bullet and just tell them, despite my reservations.

        • Anonymous

          Would you tell her you had a MC, or keep it from her? I understand you want to protect her, but if you did have one, you would need support as well. So if your mom is someone you would tell and get support from, I think you should tell her

        • anon..

          We told our parents pretty early (also first grandchild) because the thought was, even though MC would be tough for all, we could not imagine going through it and not including our parents. Of course, your relationship may be different, but something else to consider!

        • DealCube

          Have you seen the heartbeat yet? If so you have already passed the only major statistical drop in likelihood for miscarriage. Once you see the heartbeat there is only a small, steady decrease every week. There is no big drop at the end of the first trimester. The 1st trimester thing is a hold over from pre-early ultrasound days because by 13 weeks most early miscarriages would have resolved/presented naturally by then.

          That said, recent illness plus antibiotics is a good cover story.

          • Nonny

            Nope, in my corner of the world I don’t get an ultrasound until 11 or 12 weeks, and I don’t even have an OB appointment until 9 weeks….

        • anon2

          I don’t have a good answer for you on this, but want to say that I totally understand where you are coming from. I have a very close relationship with my mom, and ours were not the first grand-children, but we also waited to tell both sets of parents until after 12 weeks. For me, the idea of having to deal with their disappointment and being sad for me if I had a MC would have just made things that much worse (and to be honest, when I did have one, I was so glad not to have to tell anyone about it). However, even though MCs are relatively common, the odds are still in your favor that everything will be perfectly fine, and there were definitely times during my later (successful) pregnancies that I thought I was probably causing myself more stress by trying to hide things from my family. Ultimately, you just need to figure out what makes you more comfortable (or less uncomfortable).

          • Nonny

            Thanks, anon2. I am a pretty private person IRL and I feel the same about not really wanting to have to tell people if I MC. I was really only thinking of waiting for another two weeks, when another family event is happening, so I guess I’ll have to see how things pan out this weekend. My mom is pretty astute and if she can see something is wrong she will figure things out pretty quickly.

        • DAR

          Snacks – say you’re on a special “diet” – to lose weight or to eat more healthy or to avoid sugar, whatever.

          Mimosa – get one and take miniscule “sips” – don’t really take much and then ignore it after that. Or say it’s too high calorie and you want to eat healthy – see above – and are just having OJ or herbal tea.

          Exhaustion – you had a hard week at work (true, right? as you’re very tired). You worked out too hard on Friday. You didn’t sleep well because of back pain, hubby/partner’s snoring, something you ate gave you heartburn.

          These are all ‘little white lies” that are partially true – you aren’t feeling well.

          Good luck Nonny! And congrats on pregnancy.

  14. Aria

    My boyfriend is 5 years younger than I am and he’s just starting his career, whereas I’m currently in a management position in our company (but different departments, so no conflict). But some of our fights are starting to stem from professional reasons — not making the right connections at work, not doing enough to advance his career, me offering too much advice/being too pushy, etc. To make matters worse, I happen to be friends with his manager, who recently highlighted some ways in which my boyfriend’s performance could improve (she wasn’t telling me to try to get me to fix it, she was just telling me why he’s not ready for the job he wants, which I appreciated). After hearing some of the issues she’s had with him, I was embarrassed — both on behalf of my boyfriend and for myself because I’m dating someone who’s still making rookie professional mistakes (and to be fair, I made a number of the same mistakes at the beginning of my career as well).

    While my boyfriend is emotionally mature enough that I don’t notice the age difference normally, the lack of maturity/experience on the professional side is really bothering me, particularly since I think he resents it when I try to offer advice and there are now so many off-limits conversations that we just can’t have. I’m at the point of thinking that maybe we’re just not at the right time in both of our lives for this relationship to work, especially since we’re currently doing long-distance indefinitely, but it also seems a little unfair to break up with someone because of their professional performance. Have any of you dealt with anything similar or have any advice?

    • Mpls

      Why is your boyfriend’s manager talking to you about his job performance? I get that you are friends, but that’s….inappropriate. Unless his performance relates pretty directly on your group, you need to wall yourself off from those kind of comments.

      And pretty much stay out of his professional development, unless he asks for specific kinds of help that you feel comfortable providing. At least until you guys are on a more even professional footing.

      If that doesn’t leave you anything to talk about, then you probably don’t have much in common in the first place. Which isn’t a statement about anyone’s innate qualities, just that this isn’t the right time/place for a relationship between you two to happen.

      • Samantha

        This. Never had this experience but you need to act as though you worked at different companies (and ideally, industries). This means, among other things, not knowing (or finding out) anything about his work or performance or interactions, except for what HE chooses to share with you, and supporting him and taking his side whenever these discussions happen. Not telling him how to ‘fix’ any problems he has, not offering solutions, but letting him vent and offering him a glass of wine, or anything else he needs.

        Answering your actual question, yes he may be a little less professionally advanced than you, but aren’t there imperfections in you that he chooses to live with as well? Maybe he’s more of a neat freak than you, or maybe it irks him that you aren’t as frugal as he is… But having said that, only you know if this is a dealbreaker for you.

      • Lyssa

        I agree with this, and would add that just because you’re the ambitious in your job go-getter sort (I’m assuming that you are), doesn’t mean that you have to be in a relationship with someone else who is. In fact, I think that, at least long term, it’s better to have people be complementary in that sense – two go-getters is too much ambition! Generally, unless he’s asking you for money or dumping his problems on you, his professional development isn’t really your concern.

        But if you two can’t really have a good relationship without you being involved in his professional life, then you probably aren’t compatible. Which is not at all a knock on anyone; it’s just that some people aren’t right for each other.

    • Ginjury

      I think it’s pretty inappropriate that you’re speaking with his supervisor about his work performance at all. I would feel really uncomfortable if I were in his position.

      • Aria

        Just to clarify, it was a one-time conversation with his manager that happened by accident since we were really talking about department morale (and bf’s morale happens to be low at the moment).

        • Anonymous

          Still completely inappropriate. I would feel terrible if I were him. I agree with Mpls suggestions to stay out of his professional development

          • frugal doc..

            I agree. I would be MORTIFIED if I was your boyfriend. Unless he is one of the most secure men on the planets, this will make him feel like you are his mommy checking up on him. I strongly suggest not telling him you had this conversation, and I also worry you guys are not compatible.

            Just confirms what I have also learned… never mix work and private life.

    • Anne Shirley

      You sound way too involved in his career. He’s a rookie- now is the time to make those mistakes. You should be treating this as though you work in 2 completely different offices. Your role is to offer the support he requests, not manage his career. I know. I’m a bossy know it all too. But dial it back.

    • cc

      I agree that you need to not talk to your manager at work, and the problems you highlight- “not making the right connections at work, not doing enough to advance his career, me offering too much advice/being too pushy, etc.”

      Are actually all your problems. You think he is not making the right connections, you think he is not doing enough, and you are offering too much advice and getting too involved. You are way over involved in this- and taking his performance much too personally as a reflection on you. You say yourself you made the same mistakes he is making. Stop giving him advice, listen to issues he may want to bring to you- but it sounds like you are proactively getting involved. But if you are embarassed of him its not going to work anyway, so it might be a good time to just end it anyway

    • KinCA

      I am in a relationship where my BF is the experienced one and I am the “rookie” (I’m also 6 years younger than him). While we don’t work at the same company, we do work in the same industry at neighboring companies, and hear about each other in a professional sense through the grapevine from time to time.

      I will often go to my BF for career advice/input/suggestions and I genuinely value his insight and input, but if he were to ever actively try to coach me on his own, with feedback from my manager, I would lose it. He is not my mentor or my career coach – he’s supposed to be my loving and supportive boyfriend.

      I would suggest taking a step back & removing yourself from the situation, as other posters have. If he really is a rookie, then some of these mistakes aren’t big enough to be held against forever. Give him a chance to learn on his own and try to love him exactly as he is, right now. If you can’t do that, you may need to reevaluate your own feelings on dating someone less experienced/successful than you.

    • Silvercurls

      This doesn’t sound hopeless, but it’s not a great path for long-term happiness as a couple.
      Can you give it some time while simultaneously
      1) dialing way back on the amount of attention you pay to his professional life when you’re together
      2) focusing instead on whatever it was that initially drew you two together?
      This might let things cool down enough for each of you to to sort out your long-term hopes. Long-distance might actually be your friend here, if you can use it to minimize day-to-day awareness of each other’s work issues while you focus on more personal experiences.

      When you commented that you don’t notice him lacking in emotional maturity but you are dismayed by his occasional professional lapses (you didn’t use the word “immaturity,” but I will), I wondered whether your BF feels the other way around about you: happy with your workplace success, but troubled by your difficulty accepting that he’s in a different place work-wise. I think you’re on to something with your observation “I think he resents it when I try to offer [professional] advice” and I didn’t see any matching comments about him having any discomfort about you being in a management position.

      Many couples start out or end up at different levels of professional achievement, for all kinds of reasons which–as long as they don’t involve abusive behavior and/or are freely accepted by both parties–aren’t the business of outsiders.(Some people find the so-called traditional hetero marriage–He earns while She runs the household and tends to the kids if /when they come along–inherently abusive, especially if it also involves or is based on Traditional Religious Values, but I’m not in this camp). Life hands out all sorts of challenges. Maybe one spouse has to work abroad, which upends the other spouse’s career plans; or somebody in the family gets slammed by unexpected physical, mental, or behavioral health challenges; or one spouse simply has more workplace ambition than the other one.

      I don’t think you’re in Disasterville or anything. Ease up for a while and see what happens.

    • Anon

      I think you need to butt out of his professional life. If you can’t resist, maybe it’s not your idea relationship.

    • Olivia Pope

      Maybe you just can’t handle someone who works in the same company. (No judgment; I couldn’t).

      I agree with all the advice above: support as a girlfriend instead of coaching like he hired you to do so and accept that his career may play a different role in his life as it does in yours. If you can do those things, enjoy your relationship. If you can’t do those things, then you two do not fit as a couple. Break up and go find some go-getter guy who wants to swap career tips with you!

    • Blair Waldorf

      Just to provide a different perspective, my boyfriend and I are the same age, in the same industry, and talk about our professional development all. the. time. It’s something I value the most about our relationship. We’re almost like each other’s coaches and build each other up, provide advice, feedback, mentoring, etc. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a relationship where your professional lives are a big connecting point.

      That being said, I think this can only work when both people are equally interested in participating. When I hear that your boyfriend resents your advice, that makes me think that maybe he is not looking for the type of partner who is also very involved in his professional life.

      If possible, I would hang back a bit and let him develop on his own. You can then take the time you need to decide whether you are happy in a relationship that does not include the same level of professional involvement, specifically with this individual.

      Every relationship is different, but I have experienced the opposite (not sharing the details of projects we are working on, not strategizing together for the best way to network), and it was not fulfilling for me. To each her own.

      • Aria

        Thank you for this perspective — I think this best describes me and that maybe I just need to discuss professional things with my partner to feel fulfilled. My parents ran a business together, so dinnertime conversation was always about work. That is my model for communication and also what is stimulating and interesting to me, so maybe I just need to accept that and try to find that in a partner.

        • Blair Waldorf

          Funny, my parents worked together as well. That might have a lot to do with it.

          Either way, not everyone is interested in that kind of relationship. I have plenty of friends who would hate to “bring work home.”

          It seems like there are other issues involved here though. I would have a very difficult time working in a management position in the same company as my boyfriend. It would be hard for me to not overstep. I would only want to help advance that person’s career, but I think it would be tough to be on the receiving end of that. It might be viewed as criticism instead of advice.

          Also, to your most recent post about how lack of his career progress means more long distance for you both – that would drive me absolutely crazy. I too would resent that behavior. I don’t have any advice, but wanted to say I would feel the same way! If he cannot see how his actions (or inaction) lead to longer time apart, or doesn’t seem to care, I would have a hard time staying in that relationship.

    • MaggieLizer

      You have to be able to trust your partner to manage his own life. It’s not clear from your post whether the issue is that you (like many of us) are kind of type A and have trouble letting go, or if it’s that your BF is a bit of a slacker or doesn’t have the best work ethic and it’s difficult for you to respect him because of that. If the former, you have to learn to let go. If the latter, you have to decide what kind of relationship you want with this person and whether you can have that relationship with someone whose work ethic might not (in your opinion) be up to par.

      • Aria

        Frankly, I think it’s a mix of both (me being Type A and controlling and him being a bit lazy). But the real issue is that our relationship will have to be long distance until he can move up in the company and that apparently isn’t going to happen until he resolves some of his professional issues. And as much as I’d like to be the supportive girlfriend who butts out of his professional life, I guess I’m starting to feel resentful that our time table for having to do long distance just got moved from a couple of months to some indefinite period of time in the future.

  15. SH

    Ranty-rant – My (old and well-loved) family cat is probably in his last days halfway across the country with my sister. So, all I want to do today is to fly to Chicago, go and make sure he’s not so scared spending all day at the vet while they run more tests (which he hates with the fire of a thousand suns). Too bad I have to write an integration plan for two new people starting on Monday, listen to my boss correct and contradict himself three times over on the same thing and blame it on me, AND potentially lose a deal that I’ve been working on for the past year upon which said boss hinged all profitability for the year.

    6PM cannot come fast enough.

  16. 4L

    I have a federal clerkship interview coming up and would love some collective wisdom here. My inclination is to wear a skirt suit (personal preference, and it’s in a warm place), nude stockings, and a conservative knit shell. I’m assuming stockings are necessary/appropriate, though it’ll probably be in the 80s there.

    Also, any advice for the interview itself? I plan to familiarize myself with my writing sample, be prepared to explain seeming contradictions/inconsistencies on my resume, talk about why I went to law school, want to do a clerkship, etc. Any other tips?

    Thanks in advance!

    • Clerkster

      I’m a career federal clerk. Your outfit sounds fine, as long as you’re comfortable and confident in it. Wearing nylons is a safe choice, though my judge would never notice, let alone care, about something like that.

      One thing clerkship candidates often do that drives me crazy in interviews (and cover letters) is talk to much about why they want to clerk and what they think they can get out of it. I’d love to hear more about what you think you can do for us. Why are you the one we should pick out of the other very qualified candidates? Expressing confidence in your writing skills is one way to convey that you are ready to come in an crank out some drafts. I mean, you should be prepared to say why you want to clerk, but don’t go on about what this experience can do for you while neglecting to say what you can do for us while fulfilling your own ambitions.

      Have thoughtful questions prepared. Ask us about what it’s like working for our judge, how he structures chambers, what we’ve learned from him, etc. Expressing an interest in the actual judge and not just *a* clerkship is a plus— as long as you don’t go too far into pandering / sucking up. Some impressive candidates have asked questions about a particular case or recent opinion of the judge’s.

      Getting picked for an interview is the hardest part. Now it’s as much about “fit” as it is about your qualifications. So try to be relaxed and personable in addition to impressive.
      Good luck!

    • Nancy P

      Your outfit is exactly what I wore to clerkship interviews, and I got one, so it gets my approval. I would make sure to read a few of the judge’s opinions from the last year. See if s/he has written anything noteworthy that’s made the press — or anything that you think is particularly interesting. Judges want clerks who are really interested in the law and learning, and this shows that you are. In fact, I’m pretty sure I got my clerkship because my judge asked “so, have you read any of my opinions,” and my response was “yes, which one would you like to discuss?” with a smile. We ended up talking about a totally random opinion that I thought was really interesting and having a great discussions, which showed him (1) I wanted the job (2) I could speak intellectually about different issues that I didn’t know much about necessarily and (3) had a little bit of gumption.

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