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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Happy Wednesday, ladies! This sheath dress with sleeves looks great — and it's been price-matched, so the black version is 10% off. (The white version is even lower, but the navy is still full price.) I like the length (38.5″), the flattering V-neck, the sleeves and waist detail, as wel as the “stretch lining.” For some reason all colors are available online only, sizes 2-14. Catherine Catherine Malandrino ‘Dale' V-Neck Sheath Dress Here's a similar plus-size sheath dress with sleeves, available in sizes 14W-24W. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)Sales of note for 10.24.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann Event, 30% off! Suits are included in the 30% off!
- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything, and redeem Stylecash!
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – Friends & Family event, 30% off sitewide.
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off entire purchase, plus free shipping no minimum
- White House Black Market – Buy more, save more; buy 3+ get an extra 50% off
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Cat
I like the look of this dress, and FYI it is 20% off in black and 40% off in white (original price $128), but bustier ladies beware — I’ve found many Malandrino pieces to be better for straighter and more short-waisted figures.
Ellen
Yay Kat! This is the kind of V neck Sheathe dress I can wear. The sleeve’s make it VERY wearable, and the V neck does NOT plunge in a way that let men get a cheep peek. FOOEY on men that peek! Dont they know they can find all the picture’s they can stomach on the INTERNET? DOUBEL FOOEY on Frank b/c he is MARRIED andI am NOT married to HIM.
I hope everyone in the HIVE is beginning to absorb BREXIT. The manageing partner want’s me to give a CLE to our cleint’s, but NOT onley those who have OVERSEAS operation’s. BREXIT is suposed to affect our balance of trade and the currencies b/c of devalueation, it will impact our US Dollar negativeley, Myrna says. she will do up a Powerpoint from her investement bank’s legal departement that I can use! YAY!!!!!
anon
Sorry for the early threadjack and I know this is not a mommy blog… But I’m hoping to get some opinions from this diverse, intelligent group of women. How do you talk to your kids about race? How early is too early to talk about racism?
anon
As further reading, there was a discussion about this on the moms site last week. http://corporettemoms.com/calvin-klein-zip-front-blazer/#comments
Would enjoy hearing from some other voice on this site too.
anon
In moderation. See last Thursday’s discussion on the c-moms s!te for some further reading.
Anon in NYC
Yeah, there was some good discussion over there. I posted this link over there, which I thought was helpful because it provided age appropriate guidelines.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/talking-with-children-about-racism-police-brutality-and-protests
anon
I didn’t even know there was a c-moms s!te. Thanks for sending me that way.
Runner 5
(Not a parent; in the UK)
I don’t remember a single time my parents talked to me about racism per se; I had a black Barbie and a brown baby doll, though, which was probably their way of making sure I knew the world wasn’t as milky white as my hometown. My very first friend at pre-school was mixed race and I don’t remember it being an issue. I do remember myself and my brother being told off when we accidentally used pejorative terms we’d heard elsewhere.
Anonymama
This is surprising to me, but I guess history in the UK is so different, in the US it seems like it would be impossible to talk about Martin Luther King Jr., or Abraham Lincoln or even why it’s a big deal that Barack Obama is president, without explaining what racism is.
Anonymous
I actually disagree that it’s impossible. My hometown is milky white and present day-racism just wasn’t A Thing That Is Discussed there. Certainly I became aware of it at some point in high school, but throughout my education, all of the Civil War and Civil Rights era race issues were very much presented as history without drawing an explicit link to current affairs. I graduated from college pre-Obama, so I can only hope that the elementary/middle/high school curriculum and objectives for classroom discussion have changed since then.
I don’t remember my parents ever addressing race head-on. I had one non-white friend for a while in elementary school, but I don’t think the fact that she had different skin color was ever acknowledged at all. My dad is very representative of his upbringing in a part of the US and a generation that is not the best example of racial tolerance, but my mom is much more liberal-minded and must have balanced him out. I’m sure she slipped in little “be respectful of everyone” and “skin color doesn’t matter” messages at every turn, but we didn’t have any real conversations about racism until I was an adult.
AIMS
I’m sure there are more specific recommendations out there, but my parents were just very open with me. I think from the time I was old enough to ask questions, they would just give me answers, and before that they just set the tone by always treating everyone respectfully and talking about differences in a positive way. I think the gist of it was that we all look different on the outside but we are all the same on the inside, just like some people are blonde and some have dark hair, some people have lighter skin, some have darker, some have hair that’s curly, some have hair that’s straight, etc. I remember asking about why people didn’t like other people because of how they looked and I think my mom said something about how some people are scared of what they don’t know and if they haven’t spent too much time with people who aren’t like them, they sometimes get scared and act foolishly as a result. I think what helped is they always tried to give me context even when I was 3 or 4, at least in very simple terms I could understand, and they were always open to answering any questions I might have.
nutella
I am not a mom, so this is my two cents, but I think it’s never too early. When your kid can have a discussion with you and when you think your child and/or his/her peers might start to notice how people are treated differently, that’s when you have the discussion. Children are very astute to how people react and respond and treat others, so don’t ignore it or they will take cues from other, more vocal adults. Also, make sure it’s an ongoing discussion.
Anon
+1000 to AIMS and nutella
Children notice patterns. They notice who gets to be the hero and the eye color of the beautiful princess. That is why it’s common for young nonwhite children to say they want to be white. They want to be the hero of the story, go on adventures, and be considered beautiful.*
The beauty vs. other characteristics discussion is different for nonwhite girls, due to societal ideas and media images showing them invisible, a sidekick, undesireable, ugly, or lesser in some way.
Amom
There was a really good This American Life podcast with an interesting perspective. Act two of “Birds and the Bees”. It was from Last year but very timely.
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/557/birds-bees
LawDawg
+1
I listened to that on Monday — I randomly picked that episode while going for a walk — and was coming here to recommend that podcast.
LondonLeisureYear
I really liked this recent podcast: https://longestshortesttime.com/episode-85-dispatches-from-black-motherhood/
As a teacher, one simple way you can incorporate conversations about hard topics is through books. Let me know if you want suggestions. Picture books are a great way to talk about all sorts of topics, to share with your child about different cultures, and to just see examples of ordinary people of other races doing the ordinary things that you do every day. It does take a little extra effort to find decent books sometimes. I can’t tell you how hard I had to search a decade ago to find some father’s day books to put in my classroom that reflected the make up of my class. But they do exist.
Anon for this
My mother is a preschool teacher in a small mostly white town. She has a Muslim child in her class. Some of the girls want to wrap their hair like X’s mom when they are playing. It has always been in a respectful playful way (“now I’ll play mom and you play baby”) and not in a mocking way though they are using what they can find in the classroom ( a blanket for example) to simulate a head wrap. She doesn’t want to stop them since it is in a friendly way but at the same time worries about it appearing mocking or cultural appropriation. Like if a white child wanted to dress up as President Obama she might need to explain why coloring your skin with a marker is not appropriate. I haven’t talked to her recently about it so I don’t know if she asked the child’s family how they wanted the issue handled (if it even is an issue) or if she found other resources to assist her. If you have other teaching resources I can point her to I’ll pass them on.
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s necessarily inappropriate. I do think a hijab is different from skin color in that skin color is an immutable characteristic whereas a hijab is attire that some members of a religion chose to wear. Same way someone might wear a cross or a skullcap (correct word escapes me)
Could she rotate in play with dressing up as the different moms? Like using a scarf (must be a scarf in the dress up box, no?) as a head wrap for Suzy’s mom and then switching to playing Jane’s mom by having pretend glasses to use etc? Might help establish that all moms look different from each other. I spend a lot of time talking to my kids about how every family is different. Like mom/dad/both work/stay home; siblings/no siblings; two moms/dads; parents living in same house/different house etc.
LondonLeisureYear
First a story: One of my students a few years ago drew a self portrait of himself and made himself black (which he is not). I asked him why he choose that crayon for his skin color and he was like “Well I want to be president when I grow up, and so I need to be brown!” Not a statement we would have heard from a kiddo a few years ago. I loved it! Without missing a beat my African American male para-assistant said to the student “Don’t worry! No matter what your skin color is, anyone can be president!” Following up with a side comment to me “never has that statement been made to a white kid before.”
Not at home right now but I will post some titles later – so look back!
Anon for this
Will do! Thanks. That is a great story.
GCA
Love it! What a great story.
wondering
I wonder why he even gave any thought to skin color and the presidency though. I think the anecdote is very telling and demonstrates that race is so significant in US society, culture, etc. The boy had some association between skin color and what a person can achieve.
Anonymous
I wear hijab. This wouldn’t bother me at all. I’d probably think it was kind of cute. But i’ll add that i’m the kind of person who, except under rare circumstances, wouldn’t be upset in the name of cultural appropriate if a white person wears South Asian (my background) clothing either. If it becomes an issue, I would explain it to the mom how you described the situation here, and unless she has a serious problem with it, I would just let the kids be.
OP
OP here – this is exactly the type of thing my son is doing now which prompted my question. He just notices differences and comments on them, but in a very non-judgmental way (he’s almost 5). We live in a pretty diverse area so he plays and interacts with kids from all different types of background. He just said something that could have been so, so bad this morning. I want to talk to him after school today about why what he almost said would have been bad. But knowing him, I know he just going to be confused as hell. He’s at that innocent stage where he notices differences but he doesn’t think of people as any different.
Anon for This
I grew up in a very white town. Very white. I think the first POC I had in my class was in 8th grade. The family moved after maybe 2 months. So, context for this story.
My dad did try to, as much as possible, expose my younger brother and I to a wide range of experiences- going to the international district of the major city in our state when we visited and just wandering around, taking the bus instead of driving when we were going to meet my mom downtown in our hometown. One of those times on the bus, we’d just finished learning about Rosa Parks in school. I was probably 7? 8? I got on the bus and there was an African-American woman sitting in the front area of the bus. I pointed her out to my dad and (loudly) asked him if black people got to sit in the front now.
I thought my dad, who is generally very relaxed about this kind of thing, was going to have a heart attack. He shuffled me to the back of the bus and explained why asking that wasn’t really appropriate.
Aurora
Not a mom but an aunt, and I often use history (and looking up pictures on Wikipedia/Google Image) as a helpful starting point to answer questions. My niece is adopted and latina; she was lamenting her brown(er) skin and eyes compared to our light skin and all the light Disney princesses. So I started talking about how beauty standards change over time – I showed her how princesses used to all be pale but also fatter, because they stayed in castles sitting around eating food all day, and people thought that was beautiful back then because people worked outside so being inside was a luxury. We contrasted with modern “princesses” (Miss America, Miss Universe, etc.) who are all tan and thin like her, and talked about why that’s good now because people work inside so being outside is a luxury. She loved looking at Wikipedia and Google images of all the different kinds of princesses around the world and over time.
When she asked about race issues (I’m guessing something she picked up from around her), we discussed how slavery used to be a thing and of course it was a dumb idea but some people still think that way or treat people differently because of how they look or talk and society can slow to change, so some folks are (rightfully) angry about that, and that’s why for some people it makes them sad if you comment on how they are different because people have been mean to them about it in the past. But I also make sure we talk about how having all sorts of different people is great because you can learn about different foods and culture and hair and fashion and all sorts of things.
Obviously these might be too complex for a toddler, but the ideas can be made more or less complex as age-appropriate, and it seems to have worked so far-she seems pretty thoughtful and willing to raise issues when she has questions.
KT
This dress is right up my alley. I swear, if there was a blog that featured nothing but black, grey and navy dresses (for those days I was feeling sassy), I’d be all over that goodness.
Cb
My closet is mostly grey and navy which is a shame b/c I have a bright orange cat. I am wearing a dress with colourful birds on it today.
KT
Don’t feel too bad. I have a long haired white dog, so I buy lint brushes in bulk.
Anonymous
I nabbed an orange skirt at the Ann Taylor sale last month (?) and I’ve gotten a ton of wear out of it. I’m not much of an orange person, normally, but I’ve been styling it as a summery neutral.
emeralds
Oh my God I love that dress. I need to get through the end of the week and then if the white is still available in my size I think I’m getting it.
Anonymous
I have this dress and it’s beautiful but it runs very small (in my experience).
but 100% agree- show me all of the black, navy and grey dresses with sleeves!
Anonymous
Lovely dress. Does anyone own it? Can you speak to how low the V hits? I’m busty and worry that it might be just a hint too low on me.
Legally Brunette
I bought it online but returned it. It is very high waisted (similar to Boden dresses), not quite an empire waist but well above my natural waist line. The V is also low and I would definitely need to wear it with a cami (but I’m b**ty). Others who are not could definitely get away without wearing a cami. HTH.
OP
Thanks!
KT
Side note–I am the clumsiest, forgetful person. I lose EVERYTHING. The search for my keys each day generally ends up with me in tears.
In desperation, my husband found this cute little bird house that holds two plastic birds; the birds attach to your keys. When I put my keys away, I put the little birds in their house. If a bird is not in his house, my husband knows my keys have gone into the abyss and can tell me so I can find them before I need them RIGHT now and have a mental breakdown. This is a win.
Look, my path to adulting is slow and arduous. If my little birdhouse gets me out the door, I will have a birdhouse.
LondonLeisureYear
Love it! Little solutions that make life easier are the best!
KT
I need every lifehack I can get to continue my impression of a respectable professional
Anon
It sounds like you have a great husband in addition to a great solution for not losing your keys. Double win :)
KT
He’s a great guy. I am the stereotypical neurotic manic panic pixie dream girl, but I’m sure the cute quirky charm worse off a long time ago, but he still finds me funny and hangs around.
Anonymous
This is genius, and your husband is awesome.
My entire life is on autopilot with systems like yours. I could not function otherwise. I even have an outlook reminder that says “leave now to pick up kid.” Still working on my impression of a respectable professional, though.
KT
He’s a good soul. He’s fanatically clean and has learned I really do try my best, I’m just forgetful by nature
Frozen Peach
Can you share more of these systems?? Excited to read this blog.
Cb
That’s awesome! My husband put bells on my keyring so I can shake my bag and make sure they are there. Was walking down the hall and someone asked if there were reindeer in the building.
I figured out how to use IFTTT today and my life is going to be so much easier. Automated data collection for work and a text message if it is going to rain that day? Yes, please!
CPA Lady
I just recently started reading the website “A Slob Comes Clean”, and it is blowing my mind. She basically says that a slob has a brain that works differently from the brain of a naturally tidy person, and so she (a slob) has set up specific routines to help herself succeed. I’m all of a sudden realizing why I have never been successful at keeping my living space tidy, no matter how many time I try to get it together. It’s because I’ve never had a routine.
I never lose my keys or my jewelry, and that is because I ALWAYS without fail put them in the same place every day. If I deviate from this routine, I’m screwed. I dont know why I never thought to have routines in other aspects of my life.
KT
I need to read this website immediately.
CPA Lady
I’ve been binge reading it over the last few days. So many good pieces of information. Like how to declutter something without making a bigger mess. Or how she limits her number of possessions to the limit of the container– like she can have as many dish towels as fit in a kitchen drawer, but after that’s full, she needs to get rid of the excess.
I loved the Marie Kondo book, but found it more aspirational than realistic. The slob lady is just a normal person living in middle america with three kids, and she really gets it. She’s inspiring without being unrealistic.
Clementine
This is what I do!! I keep a minimal wardrobe/amount of house stuff and try not to buy more stuff because then it’s more to keep clean.
I’m not naturally a tidy person, but I have somehow become pretty close to one because I have set really consistent rules for myself. I let myself do fun things when I’m doing chores I dislike and it really helps. I have routines for laundry, I let myself watch The Daily Show on my laptop while I’m cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes, and make sure that every Friday evening my chairdrobe is put away.
The other thing I have is a laundry basket and a big LLBean canvas tote. One lives upstairs and one lives downstairs. If something needs to go to the opposite floor, I put it in the bag and carry it up/down when I go up or down the stairs. I try and always make sure that one is up and the other is down which help things get moved around regularly.
Anonymous
My boyfriend just bought me a Tile. Now my phone can make my keys ring, and it’s magical.
Betty
Tiles are amazing! They also work in the reverse, so that if you have your keys but not your phone, you can find your phone.
Dulcinea
I love my tile, highly recommend.
Anonymous
My mother, long ago, was a nurse. We grew up learning “Never go up the ward emptyhanded” when going up or down stairs.
Anonymous
This may have been covered here before, but tips for having a gentle conversation with an SO asking him to talk about work less? I don’t want to completely shut him down, but it’s exhausting to get talked at about the minutiae of his day. Lord forbid if I talk about work; then the floodgates are open for him to go on and on about how the printer is broken again. It’s at the point that it’s impacting our quality time together. I’m not a particularly touchy-feely person and I worry that I come off as impatient and frustrated (which I am) when I try to talk to him about this, which causes him to shut down and spend the rest of the night in sullen silence. Advice?
LondonLeisureYear
Can you guide the conversation and ask him about other hobbies?
What is he talking about – like is he looking for guidance? or is it just really stupid little details? Because maybe if you are okay with helping him with a problem at work, then afterwards you could respond “Thanks for talking to me about this and asking my advice on this, I really love when I feel like I can support you with your work because I know its so important to you” give him positive feedback for the type of conversation that you want to have.
Last idea – does he have enough buddies? Maybe he needs to hang out with his buddies more to get this out of his system so you aren’t the only one he is venting it all to.
OP
Thanks for the comment. The point about other buddies is a good one. I think he has been missing friends because he’s trying to drink less and they’re mostly heavy, evangelical drinkers. However, last night he hung out with 2 groups of friends while I was working late, and I came home to do a second shift of listening to him complain about work.
The complaints vary, but I don’t think he’s looking for advice. He’s in a STEM field and I’m very much not; he’ll go on about very technical things that are completely over my head, or complain about equipment not working properly.
When I try to talk about something else, he’ll change the subject back to work.
nutella
Why do you get to talk about work but he doesn’t?
OP
My question was how can I limit his work talk without completely shutting it down. I don’t want him to NEVER talk about work, I just don’t want it to be so over the top that it interferes with our quality time, which it is now.
I don’t talk about work every day and when I do, I don’t drone on about the broken printer for an hour.
Anonymous
YES! I would like bullet points and not a full-on rable for half an hour. Or the TL;DR version.
I could say in a sentence “This annoyed me today.” DH will be 15 minutes into the backstory instead of cutting to the chance. Maybe it should be like chess where we have the equivalent of a shot clock?
cbackson
What purpose do you think the talking about work serves for him? Is it stress relief, a way to try to connect with you, etc.? Is it because he has trouble disconnecting from his job? I think that maybe if you can figure out role this extended venting serves for him, you can figure out how to let him meet that need without driving you nuts and making you feel like he can’t connect with you because he’s still mentally tied up in his workday.
Senior Attorney
This is great advice.
Also, generally I agree that it’s not your place to police what your SO can and can’t talk about. Maybe he’s just a guy who likes to talk about work a lot, and you need to decide whether this is a dealbreaker or an acceptable price of admission for being in the relationship. I really believe people are not improvement projects and if one or maybe two conversations doesn’t fix the problem, then you’re back to the “dealbreaker or price of admission” analysis. Because being mad about it forever is just a losing proposition.
Anonymous
I agree with these points.
Has he always done this?
Is there an underlying/new anxiety issue contributing that could be addressed, or is this just his personality/way of dealing with his work day?
Because I think this may be a “price of admission” thing as well. And I am a bit worried for you if you are hiding in the bedroom….
anonymous
Talk to him on the weekend, at a time when you’re both happy and relaxed. Most importantly, this talk shouldn’t happen at the moment when the behavior is occurring. Figure out ahead of time the specifics of what you’re asking him (limit work talk to 30 minutes? no work talk at the dinner table but it’s otherwise fine? wait at least 30 min after you walk in the door before any work talk?). Communicate the specifics clearly, and explain why it’s important to you. Assuming he’s reasonable, maybe the specific “guidelines” that you agree to can be open to input from him too. And finally, give him an “out” – let him know that if something big and unusual happened, and he really needs to talk about it in a way that violates the general principles you laid out, that this is OK too – spouses are there for each other when that happens.
OP
This is helpful, thank you. I will try to do have this conversation this weekend.
Anonymous
Setting limits helps. My spouse is one who likes to talk a lot about work but gets mad if I offer commentary and accuses me of being whiny if I talk about my work. For a long time we had a “no work talk upstairs” rule that gave me the space I needed to clear my head before trying to go to sleep.
Cb
We only have serious discussions in the bathroom (while one of us is taking a shower) It’s weird but it works. It means we don’t rant at each other over dinner / when one person gets home from work or in bed when we need to wind down to sleep.
OP
We’ve pretty much instituted a no work talk in the bedroom rule, but that means I basically retreat to the bedroom to avoid him. Which, I mean, I’ve been much better about working out in the morning because I’m going to bed so early! But I miss my SO.
anonymous
This is something you can talk about too! Approach the issue like a problem to be solved as a team. “I really appreciate the effort you’ve made to avoid talking about work in the bedroom. It has been so helpful for my peace of mind to be able to talk to you about work in one context, and also turn off that part of my mind before bed. But I’ve noticed this side-effect, which is XXXXX, so I was wondering if we shouldn’t revisit the topic and figure out a different way to handle it.”
Scarlett
I actually don’t think it’s a good idea to limit what people can talk about with their spouses. if you make work an out of bounds topic, you risk him over censoring himself and you end up disconnected. I think it’s fine to occasionally say I’m not in the mood to talk about X right now, but not “don’t talk about X” or “don’t talk about X so much”. If he’s shutting you down, such if sounds like he might be, that’s also a problem and I’d talk with him about the importance of you both being able to say what’s on your mind.
lawsuited
+1 As appealing as setting boundaries might be, rules made in the abstract may not be able to respond well to your changing work lives and married lives. If you set a “only talk about work for 1 hour” rule, what happens when he’s in the final 2 weeks of a 2-year long project and needs to talk about work near constantly for stress-relief, brainstorming, ego-boosting or whatever else? My husband talks about work A LOT. As in, I know the minute details of all his co-workers job descriptions, current projects and family situations. I think he needs to talk through his work day as part of calibrating those experiences, which is not something I need, but he does. My deal with him is that I will listen as much as I possibly can (which includes listening when I don’t really want to but the thing he needs to talk about is pressing), but when I really need a break, he doesn’t get offended when I gently tell him that I need a break from work talk. If you’re going to have a discussion with him about talking about work less in general, I’d couch it in terms like these, rather than setting objective rules that he then has to be careful not to break.
KT
So–I think part of having a partner is having a safe space to braindump/rant/talk about whatever nonsense irritates you. I think most married couple who work in different industries have zero interest (or understanding) in the minor irritations their partners face each day, but part of being supportive is being there to just listen. Not to offer advice or guidance, but to just listen.
I’m a writer and PR person and my husband is a pastry chef. He has no idea what I’m talking about Google analytics and clients who don’t understand SEO but insist on keyword stuffing. I have no idea how frustrating it is when the croissant machine isn’t working properly, making the croissants raggedy, or how annoying it is to have an intern who doesn’t know how to make an appropriate Italian buttercream. But sometimes, we just need to vent.
We literally set aside time each day after work for this exact purpose. While dinner is warming up or we’re drinking a martini, we give each other 15 minutes to just talk about the day and vent and the other person listens and makes appropriate “ew” “that sucks” or “WTF” responses, but no advice or anything else.
Then we switch and the other person goes.
It’s just a way to get it out of our system, then we’re good to get on with our night.
Annie
+10
My husband is a talker and likes to give me a play-by-play of his day. He has always been like that. I’m much quieter. At the beginning of our relationship (and sometimes still), I get annoyed when he wants to go on an on about work, especially if he’s repeating things he has told me before.
But I let it go and I don’t think it’s fair to impose limits on what the other person talks about. I’ve learned that my husband is wired to want to tell me all about his day. It’s important to him. I make an effort to be attentive, and he notices that. And if I’m really not in the mood to talk, I can let my husband know that I need a little time to myself and then we talk later.
To me, this is might be an area where you should be more supportive of your spouse.
ArenKay
Wait, back up here. Your husband is a pastry chef? Way to win at marriage.
Edna Mazur
Agree.
Anonymous
Right? Only thing better than that might possibly be a jeweler… ;)
Anon
+1 to setting limits. Based on feedback from my husband, I’ve learned how to share one or two anecdotes/updates about my day. However, because my job can be stressful/frustrating, I’ve also asked him to recognize that after a really tough day, it really helps me to be able vent to him. It helps me process stress and makes me feel like I’m not in it alone. But he’s also allowed to cut me off if he thinks that I’m descending into self pity/wallowing. So it’s a balance.
anon
My husband was able to approach this with me very gently. Basically, he made the point that talking about all the stresses of your day once you’ve gotten home only prolongs the stress and makes you relive it. So he let me vent, when I needed to vent, but it also helped me to notice when I was getting carried away and just working myself up again. You just need to break the cycle. In the long run, I’m very happy my husband decided to talk to me about this, it made me realize how unhappy I was with my job. But also, now when I go home neither of us talk about work, only occasionally when something really awful or really awesome happened. We leave work at work.
Talker
So I think I could be the one that talks too much in my relationship, and I think part of it is when i can tell he is zoning out and not paying attention I feel like I need to give more back ground information. Or stop and retell part of the story to get back on track or regain his interest. Counter productive I know, but I do this subconsciously, we have just started to realize. Anyway, I think if you can be a more active listener for a short period of time that could help. Sometimes I just want to tell my SO a story and it drives me crazy that it drags on so long, too. Him making eye contact and being interested meets the emotional conversational needs I have, and I am much more able to reciprocate after that. If I know he is just shutting down when I start to talk it just makes me try harder and talk more.
ArenKay
This is me, and this was the approach my husband took, which was entirely successful. He just said that it was hard for him to come home and have me say hello and then immediately start telling him the worst parts of my day. It was the timing of it that he wanted to switch. It was helpful for me in two respects–I thought about what I really wanted or needed to talk to him about, and also cued me into the fact that I was a little more annoyed about work than I thought, and got me to figure out how to deal with work stress better.
Runner 5
I love this! I also got the new Boden catalogue through my door yesterday and it seems they are going heavily down the Ponte workwear dress route (which I’m over the moon about!). They also have a Ponte pencil skirt and jackets in the same colours, which I’m very tempted by
Cb
Ooh, I hadn’t looked in awhile (and seem to have fallen off the catalogue list). I’m liking the 60s sheath and the patterned Miranda dress. I’m hit and miss with Boden fits but am going to give it another try.
Need to retire two dresses so on the hunt for replacements.
Runner 5
We get three catalogues at my parents’ house (mine and one for each parent)… I wish one of us would drop off the list.
Bonnie
May have to check out their skirts now that Nordstrom has stopped making The Skirt.
Anon
Is a ponte suit too casual for my firm’s orientation? I am super-chubs right now and don’t fit into my normal suits, and I am a weird cusp size and short-waisted, so I don’t want to spend a fortune on tailoring. Pone is forgiving and generally fits me well.
Is a sheath/blazer suit too casual? HELP.
Anonny
How do you guys be less cynical while dating someone? Ive been dating someone for a couple of months now (barely) and I havent had this much chemistry/ much in common with someone since college (4 years out). I’m used to overthinking dating and constantly looking for problems but I want to just have fun for once and enjoy the person and see where it goes. Any tips on being less anxious? Pretty much all of my friends are really cynical about men and dating so when I talk to them I leave feeling kind of depressed.
TO Lawyer
Honestly, it’s really hard. Can you tell your friends that they’re making you feel worse? I know if I had that conversation with my friends, they would make a concerted effort to be more positive.
I think the key to just having fun with someone is making sure the rest of your life is full and busy and so you’re not spending time obsessing or over thinking. Just go out on dates with this person that are fun and enjoy them but make a real effort to just live in the moment and stop yourself if you start spiraling. Do you have a friend that can stop the spiral? When I start freaking out, I talk to a friend who basically tells me to breathe and calm down which helps a lot.
Anonny
I do actually have one really great friend who gets me completely and knows what advice to give when I have my spirals but he’s in SE Asia for the next month on vacation and I dont want to bug him while he’s having the time of his life. But yeah I may limit my dating woes to him because I think my other friends (not all – just two close ones) kind of project their negative views and experiences subconsciously onto me and give really sh**ty advice leaving me more sad tbh.
And yeah I’ll try to just focus more on the other stuff I have going on to prevent the obsessing and overthinking. Thanks, that was helpful =)
CountC
I have adopted the mantra, this man is not my ex and my ex is not this man. I don’t want to be judged based on the actions of other women, which causes me to think hard about doing it to other. I try really hard not to let the actions of past men color my impression of current men. It takes practice, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. I also like Senior Attorney’s approach which is to assume good intentions, until proven otherwise.
Anon
Does anyone have some genuineness for leaving the board of a local chapter of a professional membership organization before the term is up? I was pressured to join by a firm partner in my first week on the job, less than a year ago. That partner left the firm, and the organization doesn’t hold much promise for either myself or my firm. This isn’t my first rodeo, so I know the warning signs of poor planning, disengaged and negative board members, waning membership, finances consistently in the red and mismanaged…. this list could go on a long time. I don’t have the time or patience to make this a project, but I’m the secretary. I want to let the chair know in early fall that I will be leaving. Thoughts? I’m inclined to just send a neutral email and offer to discuss more via phone if the chair wants, but I don’t want to get suckered into starting around and sinking even more time and effort in.
Anon
Ha, is genuineness even a word? I meant advice! Stupid phone!
Catlady
I think an email is fine. I belong to a professional organization that has seen a lot of turnover lately, and the sooner you can tell other leaders the better.
Wedding etiquette question
I was invited to a wedding cross-country (I have to travel to the opposite coast) and when I got the save the date and went to the wedding website it indicated I had a plus-one. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, though we don’t live together, and he has met he bride and groom several times. When I got the invite yesterday, it was addressed only to me and didn’t have a plus-one indicated. Would it be rude to ask the bride if he is invited? We already booked travel to the site because it was so far away and we wanted to get a good price.
Bonnie
I’d send the bride an email stating: based upon the +1 in the RSVP, I planned on coming with boyfriend and we both already bought flights. I’m not sure if he was inadvertently left off the invitation but hope it’s ok that we both celebrate with you and fiancee.
Anonymous
No, not rude to ask. Tell her what you said here – you received the save the date and noticed that the wedding website indicated you had a plus one, so you and your BF booked the travel for both of you months ago. You just received the formal invite and noticed that he was not included. Was that an unintentional oversight or is he not invited?
Some wedding websites automatically include a +1 for each guest even if the guest isn’t getting a +1, which may be what happened here. Of course there’s no way you could’ve known that; it was on the couple to make sure it was set up properly. Be prepared for the bride to tell you that your BF isn’t invited, though.
anon
I definitely think it is not rude to ask. You already bought the tickets. I would think most brides would not be offended since it was a genuine confusion. It’s not like you’re just showing up with your boyfriend unannounced.
Anne Elliott
No good can come of asking her unless you are super close.
I’d cancel boyfriend’s ticket and go.
Anonymous
Genuinely curious – why? The couple created this ambiguity, they shouldn’t be offended by being asked to sort it out.
Anonymous
Yes, this is the couple’s problem. Even if they didn’t intend to set the +1 option on their website, they did it and thereby created the impression that you needed to buy two plane tickets, and they had to have seen the responses come in with the +1s. If it were an error, they should have gotten in touch immediately with everyone who had RSVP’d +1 to the save the date. It would be exceedingly rude of them to ask your boyfriend to incur at least the $200 or so cost of changing the flight (which still leaves him with remaining credit that he must use under his own name, on that airline, within one year) because of a mistake they made. Wedding invitations go out so close to the date that it’s not reasonable to assume that people will wait until the invitations go out instead of making travel arrangements based on the save the date. Especially if you are RSVP’ing to the save the date.
We paid for our own wedding on a limited budget, and if we’d made a mistake like this I would have figured out how to accommodate the +1s somehow.
Anonymous
I’d do the opposite- return your RSVP as yes for you and your boyfriend.
Anonymous
Disagree. If he was on the save-the-date, there’s a very good chance this is all a mistake – why not ask and sort it out? Much better to do that than to secretly resent a friend who simply made a mistake addressing envelopes. Even if it wasn’t a mistake, the couple may be shamed into inviting him (as they should be, since it’s rude to send a save-the-date and then not send an invite).
HSAL
It’s not clear from your initial post – did the Save the Date indicate a +1, or was it just on the wedding website? I agree that could be automatic for the website, unfortunately. I doubt they manually list who gets how many +s. I think you can reach out to clarify. It could have been intentional or it could have been carelessness when they addressed the envelopes. I’m pretty much on Team Partners Should Be Included but if he’s not, hopefully you can still make a trip out of it if they ticket isn’t refundable (or you still want him to travel with you).
Anonymous
This same thing happened to me – not a BF of 3 years, but it had been indicated on the STD and by the bride to me in person that I had a +1, so we booked the flight. Then she said something to me about not having a date and she was sorry and I was like, ummmmmmmmm… because a cross-country ticket was already booked. It was a brutally awkward conversation to have but we had it, and when my invite came very close to the wedding it was addressed to me and guest. I felt bad but I made plans based on what she, unsolicited by me, had told me.
I’d ask. She put herself in this situation. If you don’t know for SURE that somebody will have a guest, don’t extend it until you know!
Anonymous
worst acronym for save the date ever. sorry ya’ll.
CountC
I know! I always make a juvenile joke IRL when someone abbreviates it this way.
lawsuited
“Man, I got an STD from my friend, Jenna, last night”
Cc
A boyfriend of 3 years is not a plus one! A plus one is for your friend John who is not dating anyone at the moment but might like to bring someone, or for Sally who has just stepped into the dating pool, or for Susan who is single but might like to bring her good guy friend, girlfriend, or sister since she has to travel so far. The invite should have been addressed to both of you. I would ask- hopefully it was just a mistake
Anonymous
Disagree — Many couples limit their wedding invite lists to give plus ones to only those friends who have somehow formalized their relationships (i.e. through engagement).
Wedding etiquette question
I found out one of my friends (who has been dating his girlfriend for less than a year) for a plus one for her. I think I may just follow up to ask, as the airline won’t give me a refund. we are not traveling together (I am combining the wedding trip with a separate trip), so we wouldn’t even be traveling together if he came and couldn’t attend the wedding.
Anonymous
Which is nuts. A boyfriend of 3 years can be just as formal a relationship as a SO you dated 1 year, were engaged to for 1 year and have been married to for 1 year.
Also, people, stop having weddings where people are forced to attend alone or not attend at all. That’s baloney. Weddings are, for the most part, the social obligations of your guest, not some opportunity they’re chomping at the bit to get!
Hi
I disagree. I’m single. I have a lot of friends who have financial limits, want small weddings, and having people they know and love with them are the most important things.
Really? You can’t sit for a few hours without your +1? This seems…..sad, and selfish to me.
But hey…. That’s me. Clearly I’m the outlier.
Cc
Those couples are wrong- a fiancé is not a plus one either. Couples are a social unit. If joe and Jane are in a relationship, you address the invite to joe and Jane. If Jane is single and you’d like to give her a plus one, you address the invite to “Jane and guest”
Not inviting someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend is horribly rude, especially when they have been together 3 years. They have formalized their relationship by being in a relationship.
Anonymous
If a couple chooses to invite a friend from, for example, college or some-other period in their life (or a family member) and that person is in a relationship, but does not live with that person, is not engaged, or married, there is no obligation for the couple to invite the plus one that they only know due to the relationship with their friend. It is not rude to extend an invitation to a friend, and not their SO, if not in a formal relationship. The friend can choose not to attend if they don’t want to attend without the SO. Being in a three year relationship means very different things to different people. For many couples it is easier to have a blanket rule of “not living together, engaged, or married” sorry, only the friend is invited, not that persons current SO.
ArenKay
Let’s not re-re-revisit the “when is a boyfriend a plus 1” debate here. Isn’t the crucial issue that the RSVP said one thing, then the invite another? In that circumstance, I think it’s perfectly appropriate for OP politely to ask her friend which is correct, and then make her decision from there.
problem with plus-one
Totally agree with this. The OP said the couple had met her boyfriend. They knew she was part of a long term couple. The invitation should have included his name. I dislike the concept of plus-one. You invite everyone by name.
Bento
Well, I finally bit the Bento bullet and ordered one from MM Lafleur. Y’all, best decision ever. I’m only keeping one thing out of the five they sent, but man, this stuff is amazing. My favorite is the Lydia dress, which they sent me in black– I think I will order it in a couple more colors. It’s $195 (that’s a lot for me to spend on one dress), but it fits LIKE A GLOVE (a work-appropriate glove) for me.
I’m sending back the Nisa, which they sent me in Ivy (kelly green). I liked it a lot and almost kept it, but then I tried on the Lydia and realized the Nisa was good but not great. They also sent me a matching navy top and skirt, both stretchy and ruched, called Soho I think– I liked them together but would not have worn them as separates, and they were each $140, and I couldn’t justify $280 for what I would only wear as a “dress.” It also looked a lot like a maternity dress, with all the ruching. The fifth piece was a silk scarf, which was fine, but I’m not going to spend $90 on a scarf I don’t need, so it’s going back as well.
So, one hit and four misses– but the hit is a big hit. I’m an MM Lafleur convert (and am wearing the Lydia today)!
Anonymous
Wearing one of my two Etsukos today. I always get compliments on them. I also have a jardigan.
Anonymous
I’m 5-4, 125#, pear with stomach. I am wearing an 8. I am sizing way up (usually 4 / 6).
Anonymous
Do you mind posting how much you spent and your body proportions? I’ve been thinking about doing this too.
Bento
Not at all– if I understand this right, I’m only spending $195, for the Lydia that I’m keeping. The rest of it will be returned with no fees. I think on the first box it can all be returned with no fee. There’s a note in the box that says after my first box, there’s a $25 styling fee if I don’t keep any of the pieces. But if I do keep anything, the $25 is applied to the price of what I keep. So, in your first box, you only pay for what you keep. In subsequent boxes, you pay at least $25, but if you keep one item, the $25 goes towards what you keep.
I’m 5’6, 125 lbs., about a size 2/4, somewhere between straight and hourglass. I don’t know my exact measurements, but I wear a 34B. There’s a questionnaire when you buy the Bento that asks some size questions, but I recall it didn’t ask for measurements– it did ask what size you wear at J.Crew and another couple of stores. They sent me the Lydia in a 4, which was perfect.
Anonymous
I’m a huge MM Lafleur fan. Never done a Bento, but have bought a number of pieces as I needed to overhaul my work wardrobe this past year (changing professions so needed some more formal stuff). I’m 5’9″ and 160 lbs, hourglass, usually wear anywhere from an 8-12 in other brands. I take an 8 or 10 in MM Lafleur depending on the garment. I LOVE the fit. Literally no other brand of clothing fits me at both the waist and the hips without extensive tailoring, with the exception of some Boden tall-size dresses. MM Lafleur is perfect in that regard, and much better quality than J.Crew.
Delta Dawn
This is what I love about them– great fit in the waist and the hips for me, which is rare. One of the few brands I don’t have to have tailored, and yes, much better quality than J.Crew.
Catlady
This is great to hear, I just ordered a Bento
Anonymous
I am wearing one of my three Nisas today. I also have two Rachels, an Annie, and an Emma. I have never done the bento thing because I only like the dresses (but am thinking about the jardigan if they ever stock it in my size) and prefer to choose my own styles and colors. Fit is very style-specific, so don’t give up on the brand if one style doesn’t work for you. I adore the Nisa after extensive tailoring in the waist/hip area, but the neckline on the Etsuko is too high for me. One of my colleagues loves the Etsuko and can’t stand the Nisa, which works because then we never have to worry about wearing the same dress to the same meeting.
Senior Attorney
Okay, you have convinced me. I went over and ordered a Bento (seeing as how my house is rented and all so I’m feeling flush!). I was impressed by the thoroughness of the size/body type questions so hopefully what they send will fit!
J
I LOVE the Etsuko and the Rachel. I was also really impressed with the Lydia when I tried it. I haven’t tried the Alexandra yet but it will probably be my next purchase. Or the Aditi… so many good options!
Anonymous
Y’all is not a word. You sound like a dumb hick.
arya
rude and unnecessary. i think she sounds charming and like she’s on an episode of nashville.
Anonymous
Yeah and you sound like a mean witch.
Tennis Qs
1. Does anyone have a tennis bag that they love? I need a new one (old monstrosity of a bag has lots of rips — will continue to use for kids’ tennis gear and giant foam balls) and want it to be cute (Lilly-ish print maybe) but also work well as a bag.
2. I hate tennis shoes! I want something that is less rigid, more mushy (or doesn’t make me feel like my feet are going to shatter). I played in normal ASICS sneakers last night and my feet were so much happier. I don’t have ankle problems. Any recommendations for angry feet? Bonus points if they don’t run too narrow (so no on whatever the Ferragamo of sneakers is).
cbackson
I just got a cute new tennis bag from Ame and Lulu. On shoes, I hear you – I hate them too and feel like they’re actually creating some foot problems for me – hoping others have recommendations.
GCA
Not a tennis player, but I run in New Balance sneakers, specifically the Fresh Foam Zantes – they’re soft and come in nice wide widths.
anon
I play tennis in my New Balance trainers and love them!
pugsnbourbon
It might help to go to an established, independent running store. I was able to try on a few pairs and do a test jog and it turns out I prefer TONS of support and padding when I run. They would probably be able to find you something based on your feet and your needs.
cbackson
Running shoes are different than tennis shoes, because the type of motion is different. I’m an avid runner and fan of my local running store, but I wouldn’t look to them to fit me for tennis shoes.
Adult Acne
Do any of you ladies suffer from adult acne? I’m 31, in great health, and my hormones are normal. I just cut out dairy and have seen some ok progress, but if this doesn’t work I’m thinking of going on Accutane (or the generic, whatever they’re giving people these days).
Anonymous
I am nearly 40 and still have it. I have given up on its ever going away. It doesn’t seem fair, because my hair is all gray. The silver lining is that insurance will cover Retin-A for adult acne and not for wrinkles, but it works on both.
Yes
This is me too. My father still has acne in my 70’s and my dermatologist told me I will have it forever. Grey hair, wrinkles and acne….. Just…. Ugh.
Unfortunately, some insurance companies no longer cover retinoids for acne.
I have an Obamacare plan I purchased and it is one of the only drugs denied for all uses in my plan. And since medication costs in these new health plans are now subject to the $6500 deductible anyway, it still isn’t affordable for me. Fortunately, I use it very sparingly and have a stock I have saved from when I was working at a different job.
Anonymous
There is a generic now that is pretty cheap even without insurance.
Yes
My skin couldn’t tolerate it when I used it in the past…. But thanks though. When I run out of my stock, I was planning to try it again, and slather on tons of moisturizer first and see if I can tolerate it. I’m hoping there is a better generic now….
Gosh, I hate my skin. I am so jealous of women with great genetics. They have no idea…
Anonymous
Maybe there is a lower strength you can try, if you didn’t try the lowest last time.
Yes
Good idea. I hope so.
Yes
Yes.
Not sure what you mean by “my hormones are normal”. Does this mean you have seen a doctor who doesn’t think you have classic hormonal acne (ex. Cystic, often exacerbated by higher testosterone?).
Have you tried other treatments? Considering the side effects of Accutane, I would be trying OCP’s, spironolactone, and/or retinoids (prescription strength) or topical anti-bacterials (ex. Benzoyl peroxide, antibiotics, sulfur washes) before Accutane.
OCP’s helped me in my 20’s, but not enough. Spironolactone+retinoids helped the most.
Adult Acne
They are normal in that I don’t have PCOS or thyroid problems.
I can’t do birth control, it makes me crazy and fat (I have a paragard right now). I am afraid of gaining weight, could Spiro do that?
Yes
Weight gain is not a problem with Spiro. If anything, my weight went down since it is a mild diuretic and makes me pee. So I have to be careful to drink or it is easy to get dehydrated.
I also don’t have PCOS or thyroid problems, but Spiro works for me. I combine it with retinoids though. Spiro blocks the cystic acne, but sometimes I was left with small whiteheads I the T zone. The topical retinoids blocked those.
Anonymous
If you have regular acne (vs deep and painful cysts), Accutane is probably not right for you. Your derm can recommend other stuff.
Anonymous
Yep, 32 and I have terrible cystic acne on my chin and jawline. It gets worse around that time of the month but takes so long to clear up that it’s pretty much always there. I won’t do Accutane though because I don’t want to risk the side effects for something that’s just a cosmetic issue and can’t have hormonal BC for health reasons. But if anyone has any natural remedies, let me know!
Anonymous
Following a very low-GI diet can help with acne. It works better than topicals, in my experience.
Anonymous
Applying cc cream/tinted moisturizer daily seems to really help me. I started doing this just to conceal it, but found that it made it heal a lot faster too. I think it may be mostly because it prevents me from picking at it, but I also suspect the moisture helps. I’ve seen some beauty blogs that say that even oily, acne-prone skin can be in need of moisturizer.
Yes
You are the perfect candidate for spironolactone.
Anon
Try Aldactone first! Life changing!
Anonymous
aldactone = spirinolactone (generic – just as good)
Anon
Try 500-1000 mg of vitamin b5 each day for a month. I know two people with adult cystic acne who went the vitamin b5 route after years of other treatments (accutane, spirolactone, etc.) and both of their skin cleared up within a couple weeks and is perfect now. It’s about as close as I’ve seen to a silver bullet. If you google “vitamin b5 for cystic acne,” you’ll find there are lots of people who it worked well for and other people who it didn’t work for at all. I’d give it a try though given that it’s cheap, easy, and doesn’t have side effects.
Hi
I would just ask. I’ve seen this happen before as a mistake and as a last minute change/budget issue, so it’s worth asking.
Obviously it is not nice of them to revoke an invite at this point, but…. it happens.
But I would also check ahead of time to see if you can cancel your SO’s flight, and decide what you will say if she is asking for you to come as a party of one.
Hi
Oops. This was for the wedding invite debacle.
Francesca J.
At first sight, I thought this was the Of Mercer dress I just bought and I love. I’m a true 12 and it fits perfectly – hits right above the knee and is made of Italian wool – something that’s increasingly hard to find at this price point. Anyone else finding that? It was the first purchase from this brand (I think I learned about it here!) and it defintiely won’t be my last. https://www.ofmercer.com/collections/all/products/black-hudson-dress
Anonymous
How tall are you?
I’m 5-4 and would have liked the one I got to be a bit longer (I have the sleeved dress with the V in back). I do love that dress and the quality is outstanding.
I am a pear, so I had the top taken in. Still work the investment to me.
Dress
Why no price/brand in the description of the dress? To force us to click on it…..? Don’t like that….. Thea’s enough advertising on this site already.
Anonymous
There is a brand mentioned… also that is the format of this blog. It is not free to run.
HSAL
Yep. Also, generally the price is listed so I’m guessing it was an oversight.
anon
sheesh, thats the way free content works my dear. unless you would be interested in a paid site…
Cat
if you don’t want to click, it’s very easy to find the dress at Nordie’s from googling the brand and style information that is, in fact, contained in the link at the end of the paragraph…
MJ
Posted on yesterday’s thread, but JCrew is having a super-sale on shoes, and a lot of them are for Size 12 giant-foots. Get on over there if you are looking for a steal, Bigfoot friends!
Anonymous
Heads up: “Wednesday” is misspelled in the post title.
Anonymous
Also “as wel [sic] as”
Anon
So I can’t ask/tell anyone in real life so I’m hoping this makes it through moderations — in my mid 30s and have never been to a GYN. In my mid 30s and have never had a LGP; I know it sounds bizarre but I’m of a conservative faith and not married so no action. So now I’m feeling like I need to see a GYN just to be safe and yet I feel like my head will explode bc all I can think about it is how uncomfortable it will be physically and mentally, not to mention dealing with a GYN who is going to be thinking I’m so strange. What do I even say? I know people say doctors hear it all, but I feel like they are people too and many will act non judgmental while making a comment or two. How to deal? Do I tell them re my faith etc. or do I not need to justify?
Bonus points if anyone can make a rec for someone with a good bedside manner in DC.
Anonymous
Can any ladies in your faith recommend someone (or just share who they use)? And when you schedule an appointment, I’d talk to a nurse and make sure they know this is a first appt (maybe you can a new patient meeting with the recommended doctor to talk through and then schedule the exam)?
Anon
OP here — normally I’d do that except I’ve lived in DC under a yr and don’t really know too many people in my faith community yet. In NYC I had a PCP who saw a lot of orthodox women (different faith – same conservative views) just judging from her waiting room, so I feel like someone like that wouldn’t be shocked; that being said – no good way to find that, so I’m just asking for people with a decent bedside manner.
Cc
Go see Mary Beth Alder. She can do the exam and is wonderful to talk to you- she is kind and patient and won’t make you feel judged at all and sometimes there is a dog in the waiting room. I feel like everytime I saw her I poured my heart out to her and I miss her! (I moved)
First Trimester Fatigue
You should not be embarassed! Doctors really do hear it all and I’m sure you won’t be their first person who hasn’t been sexually active. You really should go just to have an exam and also to have a breast exam. The exams are super quick start to finish and they make it as comfortable as possible. You don’t need to justify at all, but you can say “i’m of a conservative faith” if it seems like they don’t believe you. Most gyns are really un-judgemental (at least my experience). I suggest Dr. Valentine at GW Hospital as she’s great with general OB/GYN appts.
Anonymous
I think the conventional medical advice is that you need to go once you’re an adult even if you’re not active. Many of my friends’ moms made them go at 18, even though they were virgins. I’m glad my mom didn’t make me do that and I had my first appointment at 21 (after I was active) but it sounds like you’re long overdue for a visit. If you’re comfortable, you might let them know when making the appointment and see if they recommend taking anything in advance to make it less painful. I would assume you could take Tylenol or something but definitely confirm. And 100% let the doctor know before the exam so they can talk you through it and use a small speculum. Any doctor worth their salt will not be the least bit judgmental (even internally and certainly not outwardly) and I don’t think you need to talk about your faith unless it makes you more comfortable.
Jules
Truly, the doctors and their staff will have heard/seen it all and will not be judgy. There probably will be a question on your intake form about whether you are sexually active and you just check no. When the doctor comes in, I would tell her that this is your first pelvic exam and that you are nervous, and she almost certainly will be able to help you to relax, or at least to understand what is happening during the process. The best doctors I have been to will narrate each step so I know what’s going on, and I really appreciate that. You can and should specifically ask the doctor to that, since it will all be new to you.
IME, a pelvic exam isn’t painful, just sometimes uncomfortable; your emotional discomfort is likely to be greater than any physical distress, which usually is minor (cold instruments, maybe, and some pressure when the doctor is doing things like palpating your ovaries).
The doctor probably will ask you about birth control, which will give you an opening to say that you aren’t sexually active and to explain why, but only if you want to.
Getting an exam and establishing a relationship with a GYN are important things to do for your health, and kudos to you for starting on this even though you’re uncomfortable or anxious. And I know you will be fine.
Eager Beaver
I’m not in DC, so I can’t offer a specific recommendation, but I just wanted to chime in and say that I don’t think it sounds bizarre or strange at all. It might not be the norm, but I certainly don’t think the GYN will be fazed by it. I’m overweight, and experience a lot of anxiety before visiting any doctor because all I can think about is how they’re going to judge me and think I’m lazy, etc. The actual doctor’s visits are never as bad as the imaginary ones that play out in my head.
Anonymous
Do you have a primary care physician whom you like and trust? Most primary care physicians will handle this for you, and it will be much easier if you know the physician and are already comfortable with her. Re. disclosing your concerns, just tell the doctor very briefly and matter-of-factly up front, “I would like you to know that I am nervous because this is my first exam.” You can tell her that you are waiting for marriage when the topic comes up, but you don’t need to justify yourself. It’s your choice and it’s a valid one. If the doctor doesn’t discuss your choice with respect or tries to push the Pill on you “just in case,” then the doctor is not a good fit for you and you should find another.
If you were in my city I would refer you to my doctor. She is awesome and understanding about all questions and concerns. There are many good doctors and many not-so-good ones out there, so don’t settle for someone who is not right for you. Good luck, and good job for taking this step to ensure your health.
Eager Beaver
Just wanted to second this comment: “There are many good doctors and many not-so-good ones out there, so don’t settle for someone who is not right for you.”
Anon
I get why people say this but judgment may come up when you say, you’re not active/this is your first exam; at which point a judgmental dr. will say — oh really; or show some kind of attitude. At that moment you are not dressed and about to lie down on the table. What are you supposed to do — say — sorry I don’t want this exam from you, I’m leaving?? I mean most people don’t like any kind of judgment from drs. but put up with it due to sheer logistics.
Anonymous
You finish the appointment and then have your records transferred to another doctor before your next appointment. Have done this several times for various reasons.
Eager Beaver
I’ve had some success talking with the doctor’s staff ahead of time. For example, when calling a practice with multiple doctors, I’ve told the receptionist “doctors make me nervous, can you please schedule me with the doctor you think has the best bedside manner.”
Anonymous
A counterpoint: I have had several PCPs and several OBGYNs do my pelvic exams. Without exception, with the OBGYNs, it lasts what seems like 10 seconds and is totally painless. With the PCPs, they seemed to go on forever and were always uncomfortable and sometimes excruciatingly painful. For a first-timer, and especially a first-timer who is not active, you want a pro who knows what they are doing and will get it over with as fast as possible, and that’s an OBGYN.
Anon
Makes sense. I’d go to a GYN – it’s what they do all day, every day since residency — they get good at it and are fast; for a PCP, they’re doing at most a few pelvic exams a week.
bridget
“This is my first appointment. I’ve been healthy, with normal periods, and I haven’t been active, but it’s just time.” Repeat healthy and not active as needed.
Anonymous
No comment on this issue specifically, but I see Dr. Elizabeth Garreau (out further in NoVa, I live in Arlington and work in DC and drive to see her) and she is amazing. Highly recommend.
Katie
I adore Flynn Millard at Reiter Hill Johnson & Nevin (they are a large OBGYN practice in DC with a few different office locations), but I’ve seen several different doctors/nurses there over the years and every single one has been fantastic. Any respectable professional worth their salt should not be judgmental – they’ve seen it all and are only focused on your health. It may be worth mentioning when you book your appointment that this is your first exam, but I think you’ll be surprised at how not-a-big-deal these appointments can be.
Moonstone
Your situation is not as unusual as you think. Make an appointment. I had pelvic exams before I had s*x and it was no more uncomfortable than after.
cbackson
May I ask if you happen to be Muslim? If so, I have a very close friend in DC who is Muslim and I can ask her who she might recommend as someone who would be familiar with your faith community and perhaps accustomed to dealing with women with a similar background. Actually, even if you aren’t, I suspect that a doctor who is accustomed to providing this type of care for observant Muslim women would likely be a good provider for you as well.
Anon
OP here – yes I’m Muslim. Which doesn’t mean the provider needs to be of any faith, but over the years (when I was living in NYC), I found that PCPs who routinely saw orthodox Jewish women didn’t bat an eye re any of these types of issues. I just think that there are fewer drs out there used to dealing with faith communities so some can find it an odd throwback to see a 30 something living life that way.
Anonymous
DC also has a large Mormon / LDS population. That might also be a source of referrals.
cbackson
I’m going to ask for a recommendation for you. I see what you’re saying and I suspect that my friend will have good suggestions of care providers who will be similar to what you’re describing.
Blonde Lawyer
I have a couple medical conditions that involve docs looking below my waist. I prefer discussing my issues while I’m fully dressed and not in a gown. I know it takes a little extra time for the doc so I only raise the issue on occasions where it is really important to me and I’ve had great luck with it being respected. I usually give a heads up when I make my appointment so they book me for a little longer time. The doc will then meet with me before I change and depending on the result of the exam, after I change back again.
DC
My DC OBGYN rec is Reiter, Hill, Johnson, & Nevin. I go to the Chevy Chase location and see Dr. King, he has an excellent bedside manner. My friends see other doctors in the clinic, and they all rave about others.
Anonymous
I saw most of Reiter Hill’s doctors while pregnant. Dr. King was my favorite and I would agree that he has an amazing bedside manner. If you’d prefer a female, I would suggest Dr. Busch. I only switched from her because she does not do OB.
Care
The only time I can think of this really coming up and I would prepare to feel judged/pressured when the doctor is asking about STD testing. Some doctors are very pushy about this because they are trained to not believe people are telling them the whole truth. I doubt the doctor will judge you for not having it before, but they may act like they don’t believe you and push you more than your comfortable. I’ve left practices when I felt the doctors were too pushy about this before – yes, I’ll get tested, but no you don’t need to tell me about all the unfaithful husbands in the world thanks.
Anon for this
I had my first pelvic exam at the age of 30. I also had never been sexually active. You are being very smart to ask for referrals. And yes, I would give your reason for not being active. Short, and simple. I did not, and my experience was ….. awful.
I recommend going to a GYN – not a primary care doctor. A GYN will have more experience with this, and will have more equipment available. Also, I would reveal to BOTH the nurse that checks you in and your doctor that this is your first pelvic exam, and that you are nervous. And to the doctor, I would tell them that you are from a conservative faith, and have never been sexually active and are very nervous about this exam.
My first experience was… awful. It was with my woman primary care doctor, who I didn’t know well. At the time, I was a medical student and saw the doctor at the med school equivalent of “student health”.
When I told her that I had never been sexually active …. and I didn’t give her a “reason” for it…. I could tell she didn’t believe me. How could I tell? She went on to drop a few indirect questions to try to catch me admitting that I was sexually active or at least had been in the past. It was humiliating. I knew what she was doing it because….. I was almost done with medical school and had taken many, many patient histories and was very used to people not being honest about their history and learning ways to address that.
The exam was very uncomfortable. She did not use a smaller speculum. She was slow and had an awkward time, which I realize later was because of my anatomy which see seemed unprepared for. She was rough, and then it hurt a lot… .and I started to bleed a lot. What did she say?…. …. “OH… oh my…. your BLEEDING. LOOK at this?!?” Not stopping the exam, but taking a sample to SHOW me while I was fighting to hold back the tears and was in a lot of pain and just.so. angry.
I didn’t another pelvic exam for many years after that experience.
I still haven’t been sexually active, but now I do have a doctor that is much more sensitive to my history. I have had additional pelvic exams, and they were better.
FYI – you do not need to have a pelvic exam every year, which women who are sexually active are more likely to do. For us, once every 3 years is plenty. So don’t let the doctor push you into more (because they make more $$ by doing the exam). National guidelines now lean towards every 3 years for otherwise healthy women of low risk.
A glass of wine just before the exam, also helps!
Anonymous
OP, don’t let the above comment scare you. Pelvic exams are largely non-painful, even if it’s your first one.
Dahlia
Please don’t be scared by the above. I had my first one as a virgin at about 18, and it was cold and a bit of pressure but otherwise totally fine.
arya
also had my first pelvic exam before becoming sexually active – i had a little bit of spotting post cervical swab for a pap smear and it wasn’t super comfortable but nothing as bad as this description. i did breathing exercises and it was over super quickly.
Anonymous
FWIW, I’m not a virgin and I still have spotting after every pap smear (even though I feel fine while they’re actually doing it!). I asked my doctor about it once, and she was just like ‘yes, your cervix is delicate’ and said it didn’t signify anything in particular.
Annie
I was in your position until recently, when I got married. (in my 30s, never saw GYN, never had LGP). I saw a GYN soon thereafter, and it really was fine – no awkwardness. The pap was very painful, but I don’t think that was just me.
I didn’t ask for referrals, just went to the local teaching hospital. I had a male doctor, which I thought could be strange, but that part too ended up being absolutely fine. He did ask why I hadn’t previously seen a GYN and about my “activity,” but it really was just for clinical purposes.
Don’t worry yourself too much about this! You’re not strange!
Anon for this one FOR SURE
I’m in the same boat although older than you. Seriously, it’s never been a problem. They ask me if I’m sexually active, I say no. They tell me they’re going to use the smallest speculum, I say okay.
I’ve never been made to feel uncomfortable. The first time was scary, but turned out to be no problem.
As a personal preference, I’ve always chosen female doctors or NPs. You may not care about that, but it makes me more comfortable.
Sorry, no recs for you. But good luck. It’s not that bad.
Harriert
I was not sexually active when I had my first several gyn appointments. My very best and most comfortable exams have taken place with certified nurse midwives in freestanding birth centers. The environment is usually very warm and welcoming, and the midwives always take their time and are gentle (in my experience).
Anonymous
Any partners of academics who can give me advice? I work an 8-5 office job that I enjoy. My husband is a tenure-track professor at a research institution. He’s publishing well and seems to be progressing fine towards tenure, but he works (at least in the sense most people with office jobs understand that term) very little, and at odd hours. Other than a couple of hours a week of teaching, he’s at home all the time and he plays video games most of the day. He tells me he often has huge breakthroughs in thinking while he’s doing this, and while I believe him, it’s hard for me to see sitting on the couch playing video games for eight hours as eight hours of work, even if it results in a really good idea. For whatever reason, as soon as I get home from work, he tends to do more traditional work on his computer. He then acts resentful that he’s working while I’m goofing off and acts like he works sooo much longer and harder than me, but can’t seem to process that earlier in the day I was working while he wasn’t (probably because he counts video games as working and thinks he’s pulling 14-hour days). When I’ve tried to talk about this with him, he gets really defensive and points out that I don’t spend all 45 hours that I’m at work actually working. He’s actually pointed to emails I’ve sent him from work and said “you weren’t working at that moment, were you?” like a lawyer cross-examining me. But I don’t think that’s the point; I don’t think being in an office for nine hours a day (even with some internet breaks) is equivalent to playing video games for nine hours. Am I being unfair to him? Advice from academics or people married to academics who can give me advice on how to manage this kind of job that has no set hours and no boundaries between home and work?
A related issue is that whenever we take a vacation he works (in the traditional sense – reading and writing papers) super diligently. It doesn’t really interfere with our vacation because whenever I tell him “we have X activity scheduled now” he’ll put the work away and go with me, and I do things like go to the spa and read novels that he doesn’t do, so why should I object to him working while I do those activities? But it just kind of hurts my feelings that when he’s alone with me in a beautiful place, THEN is when he wants to buckle down and crank out papers. I’ve asked him why he works so hard on vacation and he said it’s because he doesn’t have the video games there. So maybe this question actually has nothing to do with academia and is just “my husband likes video games more than me…”
Anon
No advice but I broke up with a guy several years ago who was an academic for this very reason. I couldn’t stand the fact that I was a biglaw 4th yr working from about 9 am to midnight daily, and he’d be like — yeah I’m teaching 9-10:30 tomorrow and then will be home. And then would be home watching movies waiting for me to be done work some 12 hrs later. There was so much resentment from day 1 that I knew I couldn’t make it work long term.
Anonymous
Oooof. This is not going to be helpful but your post got me riled up about something, so I apologize in advance. The academic I dated was the complete opposite – legit work ALL the time. Reading articles, following news cycles, monitoring social media, calls with co-authors, calls with other academics that wanted him to assist on projects, calls with journalists, teaching, answering department head related emails, answering other emails, etc. He slept 3 hours a night and was Mr. Minutes Matter, don’t waste any of them!! It sounds like he may have had more going on than your husband? It drove me nuts though because yes, while minutes matter, I shouldn’t have to worry that you are going to blow up at me if 5 of those minutes are not exactly how you expected them to be!
Oops, I totally hijacked with no helpful information for you. Sorry!
anonymous
I’m from academia. What you’re describing isn’t normal, and is certainly not the only way to succeed in academia. This lifestyle is your husband’s choice, and he’s making it clear to you (so far) that he’s not very interested in changing. I think it’s time to ask yourself what, specifically, you would like your husband to change about his working habits, and how you’re going to work on that together. But more importantly, I think you need to ask yourself what you want to do if he doesn’t change.
Senior Attorney
This. Can you live with this behavior forever?
emeralds
I’m staff in academia and this is not how most of the faculty that I know work. Most of the faculty members (both teaching and research) that I work with follow pretty standard 9ish to 5ish schedules, so that they can have normal relationships with their spouses or partners who work conventional jobs. Obviously things come up that throw wrenches in that from time to time (publication deadlines, teaching a night class, whatever) but those are the exceptions rather than the norm.
Also, I really hope that he is doing a lot more housework and domestic chores than you are!
Anonymous
As an academic, I will say that I don’t think this is normal behavior. Most of the academics I know, especially those with families (and including myself) work traditional hours so that their free time lines up with the rest of the family. Even if they sometimes work from home instead of their university office. Sometimes there are unavoidable things like fast turnarounds required for grant or paper submissions that can intrude, but in general because the nature of research is such that you can spend essentially unlimited time on it, or very little time, on any given day, it is especially important to draw careful home and work boundaries. It sounds like your husband is not doing this (recent grad?-sometimes a person can get bad habits in grad school) and it is important to you. It also sounds like he is resistant to talking to you about it (defensiveness may mean he doesn’t really think he is working that hard either). Maybe you can frame it for him as a boundary issue in this way? No easy answer but this stuff becomes especially important when/if you have kids.
Closet Redux
Agreed. Wife of academic here, and this is definitely not the norm for my husband or our many academic friends. We have a friend whose academic field *is* video games, and this is not the norm for even him.
Anonymous
Tell him you want to try something new. He can pick option A- marriage counseling, or option B- taking the video games away.
Anonymous
My husband is a tenured professor, as are his friends and colleagues. This is not normal, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.
I wonder if it’s about avoidance/anxiety (always doing his real work while he could be spending time with you) or a potential addictive dynamic with the video games. That does happen.
SC
I’m not a partner of an academic, but I am a partner of a video-game-lover who deals with anxiety through avoidance and has a difficult time drawing boundaries between work and home. (He’s actually gotten much better at both in the last year, so yay!)
In my opinion, the most constructive way to discuss this initially is to talk to him about what specifically you need from him that you’re not getting. Have a discussion about how to fit that into both of your work schedules. Don’t bring the video games or his lack of work during the day into it at first. Don’t fight about who’s working harder. Just ask him if he can take a break to have a drink and cook dinner with you when you come home. When you schedule a vacation, ask him for specific time together, not just for activities, but, for example, 10-3 and 6-9.
His resentment that you’re not working when he’s working in the evenings, and your arguments about it, seem like just as big of a problem. Disengage. Do not defend yourself or criticize how he spends his time. Don’t let yourself get pulled into a fight about who’s working more or more diligently or whatever. You can say, “This is what I like about my office job, I’m done when I leave.” Or “I’m proud of you for working on that paper. I’ll watch a movie with you when you’re done.”
This may be counter-intuitive, but (armchair therapist alert) I’m guessing he doesn’t feel great about how he spends his days either. The video games are designed to give him positive feedback and probably help him soothe his anxiety. In that sense, they may lead to great ideas because they may help him unblock. And although it’s not working, it takes a lot of mental energy to build up to getting a lot of work done. If that’s the case, he probably needs support and maybe a therapist and/or medication. But he probably needs to come to his own conclusions on this. Or, if you’re going to help him, he needs to trust that you’re on his side, not ready to criticize everything he’s been doing “wrong” for the past X years.
anon-oh-no
is he actually playing video games ALL DAY? Does he tell you that is all he does? it sounds like you assume that is what he does but are not actually home. Maybe he counts it all as working because he does work during the day, but also takes “thinking” breaks during which he plays video games.
Anon
As an academic, I can say this definitely isn’t typical, but I can relate a little. Because so much academic work is open ended and lacks deadlines, it’s easy to spend a lot of time “working” – as in thinking (which I guess could be done while playing video games), reading papers, trying to write, etc.- without actually getting anything tangible done. I can spend an entire day in my office and leave feeling like I haven’t really gotten anything important finished, which means I go home and feel like I still need to work more. My guess is that this is probably more about his own work anxiety and the stress of a tenure track position where you feel like you’re never doing enough than it is about you personally.
First Trimester Fatigue
Ok I know Kat did a post on this a long time ago, but a lot wasn’t applicable to my situation. How do you survive at work with first trimester fatigue? I don’t have an office (all cubicles! yay!) so I can’t just close the door and take a nap. All of our conference and call rooms are glass (again…yay!). I don’t drive to work (metro) so I can’t nap in my car, and I figure that taking a nap outside on a bench would 1) be weird and 2) be really awkward if someone from work saw me. Does everyone just white knuckle through it? I lay down after work and go to bed about an hour earlier. I’m only 5-6 weeks and I know it’s just gonna get worse….
octagon
In the worst of it, I would take 5-10 minute catnaps in a bathroom stall. I also drank a ton of water to stay alert and basically collapsed into bed as soon as I walked in the door. It does get better after the first trimester!
anon
White knuckle and accept that this fatigue is temporary. Plus, how strict are your hours? If your boss won’t mind, get an extra 30 minutes of sleep every morning (in addition to going to be earlier). If he or she will, see if you can get a little flex time (something has come up that is going to make it hard to get in at my normal time for the next couple months… I propose this schedule instead/working at home a day or two a week/something). See if there’s a sick room you can nap in. Drink more water than you ever thought you could.
Anon
Oooph, that’s rough. Honestly, I have an office, but that didn’t help during first trimester because I’m sure any “nap” would have turned into sleeping all day long. My thoughts are:
1) If you can tolerate coffee, soda, or tea, up your caffeine intake (within whatever limits you are comfortable with after speaking with your medical provider). The first two were revolting to me, but I drank a lot of iced green tea and lemonade thingies from Starbucks.
2). If you can’t tolerate caffeine, drink a lot of whatever liquids you can tolerate, in tiny sips if necessary. The increased hydration should help, as well as having to get up to visit the bathroom every half hour (sorry).
3) If you can listen to music during your day, listen to the loudest, most upbeat thing you can tolerate.
Overall, it is just really hard. Hang in there and know that you are not alone.
DC Wonkette
I went to bed two hours earlier than usual and just worked through it at the office (to include throwing up multiple times a day – joy). The worst is when you haven’t told work people yet and can’t commiserate with anyone. If you have a close work friend, I highly recommend telling him/her so you have some moral support in the office. I took a lot of breaks during the day to stay awake and kept my hours very regular (no late nights). I also found working out — even if it was just for 20 minutes in the morning — helped me jump start my day. It does get better but it’s really rough at the beginning. Wishing you lots of luck!!
Blonde Lawyer
Are you near any churches? When I worked in an open space during law school I just needed some quiet on my breaks. My office was a block from a church and I would just go sit quietly in a back pew and meditate/close my eyes for 10 minutes or so. I don’t even know what type of church it was and I was usually the only person in there. A public library or bookstore could work too. If you are afraid you will really fall asleep set a vibrate alarm on your cell so you don’t disturb others but still wake up.
Catlady
I’ve never been pregnant, so I can’t directly commiserate. Is there anything you do in the morning that you could shift to night? Shower/pack lunch/lay out clothes etc at night so you can maximize your sleep in the morning?
Maddie Ross
Sadly, yes, it is a lot of white knuckling. And know it gets better around week 12-14 (I know there are some people who continue to have issues, but for me, the exhaustion really did disappear – it was like a fog was lifted and I could function again). I never did nap at work, though I always felt I looked like death warmed over. My best advice is just get rid of everything extra – no dinners out with friends, no networking activities in the evening. I would seriously go to work (as late as possible), muddle through, and go home as soon as I could and hit the couch, going to bed at like 8 if possible. Only an hour earlier in my book wasn’t enough to cut.
And while you may not feel like it, TBH, one of things that actually helped me a lot was working out. It did give me an energy boost and also seemed to help with nausea (though I will caveat that I was never a puker – just a general nausea person).
Sunny
White knuckling mainly. But allow yourself to sleep a ton. I regularly slept more than 11 hours a day during my first trimester. I slept all day on a few Saturdays too! Just woke up for food and bathroom breaks. An extra hour a night would not have done anything for me.
Diana Barry
Ditto, I would go to bed at 7 pm in the middle of the week.
Anonymous
Never been pregnant, but my mom has told me she slept 12 hours a day basically every day for the entire first trimester. So you might just need to go to bed even earlier.
Anonymous
Other posters here have covered a lot of what I would suggest but just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS – I’m 8.5 months in and it does get better!
lucy stone
Congratulations! I am 9 months in (aah!) and it does get better. I drank a cup of cappuccino every morning my first trimester which my OB was fine with. Is your workplace near a store with a lounge? I was able to office nap, but I’m wondering if you could to go something like a Nordstrom and put your feet up in the lounge in the restroom and at least rest for a little bit. I seriously would go to bed at 6 or 7 pm my first trimester.
anon
Is there a pumping room or a wellness room you can use?
ITDS
Is there a massage place near your office? If so perhaps they would let you rent a table to just lie down on for 1/2 hour.
Self-harm
I have bipolar type 1 and some other mental health issues that are generally well controlled. I have an awesome therapist, a psychologist, and a GP who all work together as an amazing team. My husband and I are in counseling together, not because we have significant relationship issues, but more to help us work together in light of my health.
Very rarely (maybe 2x/year at this point), I self-harm. It’s an unhealthy means to stop my emotional states from escalating – like pinching yourself in a dream. My therapist has taught me a lot of better ways to handle this – I’m in CBT and we work with meditation and other practices.
Last night, however, in a moment of extreme emotional arousal (work stress, sick dog), I severely scratched my thighs with my long nails. I broke the skin and have deep, long wounds. I have already called my therapist and am feeling a lot calmer, but I hate the physical ramifications of this. Every time I look down at my thighs, I am reminded of my ‘craziness.’ I keep thinking of how I won’t be able to wear shorts or go to the beach for the rest of the summer. I’m going on a cruise in a month and am worried I won’t be able to wear a swimsuit.
I guess I’m looking for any advice about being less insecure about these self-harm wounds, but also how to make them heal as quickly as possible? I feel like I have ruined my summer.
Anonymous
Go to an actual doctor and ask. Do you need stitches? Neosporin and Mederma when they heel? Wounds bad enough to last for a month aren’t acceptable. This isn’t like punching yourself in a dream at all. Your current care plan is not working.
Emmer
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I don’t know how to make the wound heal quickly, but is there any chance you can just cover the wound with some sort of waterproof bandage? Say that you spilled hot water on yourself or your dog accidentally scratched you when he/she was sick. If you’re around people that aren’t familiar with your illness, I highly doubt they would second-guess you.
Anonymous
First, hugs. This is hard and I think the proactive and managed approached you have is wonderful.
Second, you aren’t crazy. I would suggest trying not to use that word at all, which may help reframe how you look at the scratches. I am in no way minimizing what you are going through, as I also have mental health struggles, but I chew my cuticles to bleeding when I am anxious. While that is certainly a more common thing in the public’s perception, I struggle to not look at my hands and think how disgusting I am for doing it. What helps me is to try to reframe how I think about it when I see my hands. I am not perfect, but I am doing the best that I can. Sometimes I don’t manage my anxiety in the best way that I can, and sometimes I do. That’s okay. I am doing the best that I can. It CERTAINLY sounds like you are doing a really good job of managing your treatment and coping skills and you should feel proud of that! It’s hard!
Third, please don’t let the scratches ruin your summer. I have scratches ALL over my legs as a result of something completely different. I refuse to let it stop me from wearing skirts at work or anything else. No one knows where I got my scratches unless I tell them. Similarly, no one will know how you got your scratches unless you tell them. I get scratches from my dog, my cat, running into tables, all sorts of things.
Hugs!
Maddie Ross
Speaking only to the scratches and healing, I think the best thing is vitamin E oil in the morning (trader joe’s has it in a pure liquid form that’s easy to spread as opposed to the capsules you had to squeeze) and Neosporin at night. Copious amounts of both. Good luck!
And agree with everyone else – my legs are regularly beat up from trail running. Doesn’t stop me from barring them though.
Bewitched
I just wanted to say that I’m so impressed by your post. I have a close family member with possible BPD (or just very severe anxiety and depression) and you sound like you are doing a terrific job of managing your disease. Just from the perspective of a close outsider, it is so so so so hard, so the fact that you are doing so well is really awesome and impressive to me. I hope you heal quickly, find a way to rock the shorts and swimsuit, and enjoy your cruise!
Anonymous
Please don’t feel insecure about your scratches. Wear them with pride that you made a good decision when you reached out to your therapist immediately afterwards with help. No one is perfect and your health journey won’t be either.
Go on your cruise, swim, swim swim and have a great time – you deserve it for all the hard work you are putting into your healthcare.
emeralds
+1 so many times over. Enjoy your cruise, and remind yourself as necessary that nobody else is paying as much attention to you as you are, because they’re all thinking about themselves. Be kind to yourself and keep working with you Team You to stay healthy.
Anon for this
I’m not a therapist so you may want a second opinion but I think this is the perfect opportunity for a white lie to nosy folks. Wear what you want on your cruise. If someone says “oh my! What happened to your leg?” You can say “learned really quick my dog hates water and needed a nail trim. No more swimming in the lake for him.” And move on. Even if it is clearly not a dog scratch, no one is going to be dumb enough (I hope) to challenge your explanation.
A deadpan “velociraptor” would also be an acceptable answer.
Anon
I have a good friend that has nasty self harm scars on her arms (mainly elbow to shoulder) and things. For a while she only wore long sleeves. She’s much better now and no longer actively harming. She just wears what she wants.
In your case, I don’t know what kind of scratches you are dealing with but could you cover them with an ace bandage? It’s probably good to get the wounds covered and medicated anyway.
I had a large dog bite on my mid thigh (my dog!) that I had a bandage about 4″x4″ on all summer long, nobody asked about it. Or if they did I just said “a cut”. I didn’t want to talk about it (or what happened after the bite).
Anonymous
I am in a similar situation (got a tattoo as a way to self-harm at a particularly low point of depression) and am in the process of getting it removed by laser. I cover it with a bandage. Looks a little weird but better than talking to people about the whole thing. I just say I burned myself cooking and am getting laser treatments on the scar, so have to keep it covered. Make up a plausible excuse and don’t let people dig too deep if you don’t want them to. The insecurity and shame just take time. I’m a year and a half out and only now feeling better about it with a lot of therapist help. In the meantime, the best thing to do is recognize that the insecurity and shame are there and that they’re feelings that you have, but they don’t have to control you or your actions or your interactions with others. Hugs and best of luck. Sounds like you are doing a great job taking care of yourself proactively.
Find a Therapist
How do you go about finding a therapist? I went to one for a few sessions, but I don’t think we connected very well. She seemed a little too aloof to me, and I felt uncomfortable throughout my sessions. I think I will probably be uncomfortable in sessions no matter who I see because I’m not a very open person anyways.
Are there any good sites that have therapist reviews? I checked Yelp, and all of the ones listed seemed to have 100% glowing reviews (that all seemed a little suspect). Any other ways to find a good therapist?
Senior Attorney
Are you a lawyer? Do you know anybody who works in family law? Generally family lawyers know who the good therapists are — I found mine that way. (Told my friend the family lawyer I was asking for a friend LOL!)
anonrette
It’s not perfect, but try HealthGrades instead. You can also ask for recommendations on the local subReddit for your city. Also try the Psychology Today listings. Ask your primary care doctor for a suggestion, too.