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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
What to do with a noisy neighbor who keeps feigning ignorance and seems to be generating loud noise on purpose around midnight? I posted here recently about strange running and jumping noises starting around 10:30pm at night and lasting till midnight. I have since talked to all of my neighbors, all of whom deny the noise but suggest that it may be coming from the person who lived next to me. However, she seemed really nice and not the type of person who would do things like this, and she herself has vigorously denied it. I asked my landlord if he can talk to the building next door, since although the noise was coming from her direction, I believed her and thought it might be the building next to her. Even the landlord said he could not believe my neighbor next door was capable of doing something so unreasonable. Since then I have confirmed that it was indeed her. I found out it was her when I was in the bathroom and overheard her talking on the phone (our bathroom share a single wall, so I can hear everything from her kitchen area very clearly). She was shrieking with laughter telling someone about how at first I thought the noise was coming from my upstairs neighbor, and then my downstairs neighbor, basically everyone except her. Last week, I confronted her, she admitted it but then resumed doing it as soon as she closed the door. Now, she has stopped jumping but continues to run and in fact has extended her running time to 12:30am. So I started playing white noise every night before I go to sleep. In reaction to this, she started blasting really loud TV sounds every night around 11:30pm this week. The TV sounds are so loud that they are louder than my white noise machine at maximum sound and would wake me up around midnight. I confronted her again last night, but she feigned ignorance and said, “really? It’s that loud? I could barely hear it. I must be losing my hearing.”
I feel like I’m dealing with a sociopath here. What do I do aside from moving?
anon
Go away for a weekend and leave one of those old school alarm clocks in the bathroom. Kidding (kind of…)!
She sounds like a terrible, miserable person who needs to get a life. I can’t fathom what would make someone devote so much time and energy to this kind of targeted and unprovoked harassment. I know no one wants to burden the police right now but have you tried filing a noise complaint?
Anon
Does your city have a noise bylaw? If so I’d casually mention it next time I talked to her then if she did it again I’d call bylaw every single time. But I’m petty so….
Anonymous
Call the police; move
Anon
Record the noise and present it to the landlord (this probably isn’t a scenario where you could withhold rent but I’m not an expert). Explore your area’s nuisance laws. Sorry such a miserable person exists…
Anon
Yup, this. And send it to landlord at the hour it’s happening.
Anon Probate Atty
Ugh. Call the police next time it happens. I would be shocked if your city did not have a noise ordinance. You’ve already warned her by mentioning the noise and asking her to stop and she clearly does not intend to do so. It will probably take at least one police visit before she is actually issued a fine, and she sounds like the sort of person who would have to receive a fine in order to stop, so you should start getting the police involved now.
Anonymous
Will getting the police involved really help? I would expect a person like this to retaliate and make the situation even worse.
Anon
Or the type of person who would freak and retaliate even more…
Anon
The landlord told me to call the police next time. But I’m worried that she is capable of retaliating in other ways. When I first moved here, I noticed that some packages in the mail would go missing. I asked her to keep an eye out for my packages, since she works from home. She said absolutely and seemed nice. Now I’m starting to wonder if she was the one who took the packages.
Anon
You landlord should be able to set up a nest cam in literally no time and minimal expense to film the lobby to catch stuff like this. Besides this situation, if there have been package thefts they should be doing that anyway.
Anon
I wonder if he can even install without making a big announcement about it. That way she might actually steal a package, and it would be an easy way to get her evicted.
It might not be legal to install without telling though.
Anonymous
No advice except for earplugs in addition to white noise (I have some very, very loud birds who like to start chirping at 5:00 AM right outside my bedroom window and this is what I do). However, (rhetorical questions..) is this person not exhausted from running and jumping this late at night? Do they not have a headache from having the TV so loud?
Anon
It’s super weird. She does not seem to get up until noon. And her apartment is normally pretty quiet until about 10pm. I’ve started letting my alarm and radio go off at 6am, and she still seems to be able to sleep through the morning…
Anonymous
No advice but commiseration. Some people really get off on making other people miserable. I think it’s a power trip, like a toddler who refuses to eat. This is the only thing they can control and boy do they control it.
Anon
I am so, so sorry. This is the type of situation where I would be beside myself. And during a pandemic no less.
I would also look up the quick laws and call the police every time. If she retaliates, call the police again on whatever she is doing to retaliate. Document, document, document all to the landlord. You have right to peace and quiet after a certain point he may have reason to move forward to evict. Can others hear her? Ask if they would mind documenting and complaining each time as well.
I hear what people are saying about not complaining b/c she will retaliate, but that is what she is counting on you feeling like. Either way you are miserable, so you might as well start down the path of being miserable but feeling like you are doing something with potentially an end in sight. When we lived in our old apt. there was so much we let slide out of fear that in retrospect we should not have.
Anon
That’s unreal, I’m sorry. If it’s possible, I’d try ignoring it completely and seeing if she loses interest in this ridiculousness. You shouldn’t *have* to do this, but it’s worth a try if you can bear it. She’s acting like a toddler, so maybe toddler solutions will work and she’ll move on to something/someone else.
Anonymous
Consider how long you can live like this & how much energy and resources you can spend on what’s likely to be a futile fight to get her to be quiet. Do what you can to tolerate/drown out the noise and move if it proves intolerable. At some point, moving is actually easier than living with the stress, calling the police, complaining to your landlord, confronting your neighbor & still being kept awake all night.
Carmen Sandiego
I’ll second this advice. If she’s a sociopath (and I wouldn’t rule it out) – you will never win the fight. Mainly, because she will have no limit to how low she is willing to stoop, no boundary that she won’t cross. You cannot out fight a sociopath (says someone who just escaped a sociopathic boss), and when you try to fight back, you look like the crazy one. I would ignore as long as possible – because she’ll keep doing it if she knows it bothers you – and then just move when it becomes intolerable.
Marie
I’m sorry you are going through this. I lived above a harassing neighbor who garnered a lot of complaints from other neighbors, but could not be evicted quickly for a myriad of reasons. It was terrible because home is where you are supposed to be able to unwind, not be on guard or feel under attack. Ultimately, I moved to another apartment a couple buildings away. I hated that it came to that because it may me feel like that guy “won” and I “ran away” when I did nothing wrong, but once I got past those feelings, the big picture was that I was not suffering on a daily basis in my own home. I wish I had a better answer than try to figure out how to move, but that rapidly became the only solution in my situation.
anonforthis
Yeah, so much “when you try to fight back, you look like the crazy one.”
Demographics can play into this too. This sounds like you are dealing with an elderly woman. She is going to get lot of sympathy.
I’m the person dealing with the purposefully loud racist older people. I hate to make this about race and age, but….when black/brown 30-somethings complain about an elderly, wealthy white couple in a >90% white neighborhood, I seriously think there is no winning, no matter how right we are and how much proof we have. We’ve actually been told to stop harassing THEM even though they are the ones harassing us.
Anon
Move. Seriously, I think that’s the only way this resolves unless she moves.
anonforthis
I think the real solution is to move.
I’m dealing with essentially the same thing, combined with overt racism and bizarre other actions. Been going on almost a year. And we’ve done everything – talking to the neighbors causing the issue (deny it), talking to other neighbors, raising with our HOA, calling the police. The police don’t do a thing, and HOA board insists that these are “good people” and that they deny it so they are not doing any of this. Despite we have among other proof a video of the husband slamming their patio door dozens of times in a row, timestamped at about 2:30am, while flipping the bird in our direction. They have also done other harassing behavior like leaving smelly trash outside our door (captured by ring camera), and left a noose hanging on our doorknob (also captured by ring camera). Once someone left a dirty diaper on our patio, with a note that said “Go Home N-Word.” No footage on the last one, but I can’t imagine it was anyone else and they frequently look after their grandchild.
Our solution? Sell and move. We’re not going to win, and this was horrible luck. And until then, put cameras everywhere, put extra locks on our doors, and try to wait it out another year so we don’t have to pay capital gains tax. Although we are open to selling and moving before that if we get to a breaking point. We also have a white noise machine and wear earplugs designed for industrial use to sleep.
Also, this is in a large coastal city on the West Coast, and one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in that city.
Anon
This is crazy! I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! Hugs.
Anon
What kind of rental property is this? 200 units, institutionally owned, or a smaller property that a one-man-shop owns, or somewhere in between? If the former, you could either (a) see if there’s another comparable unit you can move in to and hope you never cross paths with this person; or (b) ask to raise it to the level of the management/direct landlord and not just the property management company.
Anon
It’s a small walk up, so there are currently only 3 other ppl living in the building.
Jane
When you have a fight with your SO, how do you “end” it? As in what does one do to not simply “move on” because one can’t stay mad forever but actually address it like adults? I come from a family that was poor at this (things happen, no big deal, lets never ever talk about it and act like it never happened) and I am married to someone from similar family (cycles through everything sucks, everything is amazing). Result being every time we argue about something small it devolves into a long list of all the past unresolved stuff (my SO thinks it is resolved because we ignored it for a long time ugh!). Would be thankful to hear how mature adults with better childhoods deal with this and yes we are exploring therapy but the path is very long right now….
Anonymous
GottmanInstitute has a lot of research based free info for couples on how to communicate.
At the core, we try to think of it like the sparks from a campfire – is this a small spark we should ignore and let burn out or is this a spark that’s starting a bigger fire that we need to address. We also try to discuss bigger stuff when we are both ‘green’ if we identify as yellow or red – we wait until we are both in a better headspace.
Cb
Ugh, let me know when you find out. I feel like we have the same fight every 3 or 4 months, just with a different trigger. Our marriage is lovely but I think we need to work on our fighting skills.
Anon
Is it? Is it lovely?
anon8
You said you are exploring therapy, which is good because I think that’s the best way to go. You need to unlearn your patterns from your childhood and family and an experienced counselor can help you do that.
Anon
Honestly? Sometimes with a really big hug and a kiss. Once we’ve had a chance to say (scream?) what we need to say and the conversation is just becoming circular, we seem to do this and move on – it seems to neutralize the tension.
Sunshine
Following with interest. I grew up in a family with zero conflict (well, other than sibling fights with my brother). My folks didn’t argue and my sibling and I didn’t argue with them. We all got (and still get) along wonderfully.
When my husband and I have a disagreement or tense conversation, I don’t know how to mentally get back to normal. He and I also don’t argue, but clearly we have some tense conversations about things we disagree about. At the end of the conversation, I want to somehow wrap it all up in a happy bow to return us to normal. Of course this doesn’t happen. Instead we both usually spend time in silence doing our own thing and, eventually, with the passage of 8 hours or so, we return to normal.
Diana Barry
+1. My parents NEVER argue so I had no idea how to deal with arguments. I would (and do) just always cry for a long time until DH ends up comforting me about whatever it is. I think he also didn’t know how to fight because his parents never fought and then got divorced, but he inherited some passive aggression from at least one of his parents (see below).
We used to have the same arguments over and over. There were patterns: either it was about something in society that my DH would complain about (example: speed limits) and then I would get defensive because I am a lawyer and felt like he was attacking me when he was just complaining/venting about the system, or it would be about my outside-work activity when he had to take care of the kids (once a week at night). We would have the same fight over and over. For the first type of fight, I told him “no more complaining about speed limits. I can’t take it and whenever we talk about it it is not productive – find someone else to whom to complain”. That worked! Now whenever he vents about something in society he makes sure to say “I’m just venting, I’m not attacking you”.
For the second type of fight, I hired our nanny to stay late for the day when I had my outside activity (I think at the time our kids were 5, 3, and 1 so we had been having this fight for 5 years). In retrospect I think he would complain because (1) he just wanted to spend more time with me and so (2) he kept ‘forgetting’ that day of the week (passive aggressive-style) and trying to schedule his own work activities over it when he was (in my schedule) supposed to be on kid duty. I also told him “I am not going to fight with you over this any more, this is my activity and it is essential for my well-being, your complaining about my going to it is not going to stop me, it just makes me mad and sad.” That also worked!
I think 100% of it was our communication style – I would just shut down and cry and take whatever he said personally rather than be able to notice “oh, DH is just venting, there he goes again” and being able to set it aside. I have an overdeveloped guilt sense so I would always think if we argue, that means he’s going to leave me, etc. I am also a ‘fixer’ so would always try to offer solutions to what were just venting sessions. And DH is very engineer/absent-minded-professor/optimizing type, so he would just complain about XYZ speed-limits type things without paying attention to the fact that I was taking it personally and getting upset.
Junior Associate
This is 100% me and my SO, except our parents vehemently fought all the time – leading to emotional repression on the part of the kids (us).
Anonymous
I don’t mean to pick on you, I know so many women who say, we don’t “argue” we “have disagreements (that sometimes become emotional and leave us feeling out of sorts for a few hours).” That’s arguing! And it’s ok and perfectly normal! Women sometimes feel like they have to be the peacekeepers, they can’t rock the boat too much, and they’re so afraid of having an “argument” that they twist themselves in knots to avoid it – whether that means accepting the unacceptable or straight out lying to themselves. Sometimes conflict is necessary and good for your relationship!
Anonymous
I would like to say that a “tense conversation” about something you disagree about is . . . an argument. And actually, it makes me happy to hear that you have them. A relationship with none of this going on is either staying on the surface or stuffing things down. So you and your husband are normal and good! Now you just need to learn how to forgive, how to resolve, how to calm yourself internally, and how to re-engage with your husband, and those are skills that can be learned. (These are different from tying a bow onto things and getting straight back to being rosy and sunny.)
CPA Lady
Been w my husband for 18 years, married for 13. It’s not always been smooth sailing, but I think we pretty much have arguing down to an art form at this point and are currently at a very healthy place in our marriage.
Typically speaking:
– There won’t be a need to “end” a fight if you treat it as a problem that you are working together as a team to constructively solve. There will be a sort of natural resolution.
– I have found it works well to come with a proposed solution to whatever problem you are having before coming to your partner to try to resolve it. It might not end up that you get exactly what you’re proposing, but it’s at least a starting point so you partner has some kind of a clue what kind of a ballpark you’re in
– Ask for what you want, specifically and calmly, as early in the situation as possible. Ask your partner to do the same for you. Things don’t get to a boiling point if you deal with them early in the trajectory of the situation. This will feel petty at first, but I’ve found it really builds a foundation of goodwill.
– After you ask for what you want, stop talking. This is harder than it sounds.
– Assume good intentions. It is much more likely that your partner does not know what you want or doesn’t understand how important something is to you. And it’s likely you don’t know what they want either. No one is a mind reader here, and unless you’re married to a real a-hole, they are probably just bumbling along doing their best just like you are.
– Try as hard as possible to never have an argument after 9 pm. Late night arguments are rarely as productive.
I also second Gottman. That 7 Principles book was awesome and has a ton of exercises you can do to get on the same page.
Anonymous
Married almost 21 years, together for 23. This is all great advice. Especially this part:
“Try as hard as possible to never have an argument after 9 pm. Late night arguments are rarely as productive.”
One other tip I can share. I try to follow the HALTS rule when I need to have a “crucial conversation” with my husband, meaning if I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely (this happens to me on business trips), Tired, or Stressed, that is not the time to try to work out a critical issue. I grew up in a household with parents who expressed every emotion that they had in the moment that they had it and it resulted in a LOT of fights. I had to train myself, when I moved in with my husband, not to fight the way I had learned to fight from living with my parents. Countering that programming is not easy and takes conscious work, which took longer for me than it should have. But once I figured out, we actually do not have to talk about the dishes in the sink right now, this minute when it’s 11 p.m. and everyone is exhausted, our marriage improved and we fought much less and discussed/negotiated much more. Fighting is rarely about solving problems; it’s usually about venting feelings. If you want to solve a problem, that can be done calmly; if you want to vent feelings that can be done in a different way than fighting with your spouse.
As for “ending” the fight – a longtime family friend told me when I got married, when you fight with your spouse and a stalemate results where the two of you stop communicating, the first person to go to the other person and say “I am sorry, I love you” is not the “loser” of the fight; they are helping the marriage move past whatever the sticking point was. I’ve used that advice many times. Over time, I have come to see our marriage as almost a third entity in the house, that needs care, feeding and maintenance of its own. Sometimes caring for that third entity requires some bridge-building that I, as an individual, wouldn’t ordinarily want to do.
AnonATL
This is the approach I’ve been taking as I’m usually the one to pick the fights (my husband just shuts down and bottles things up, but I like to talk it out). Sometimes I realize in the midst of things or shortly after that this isn’t a thing I need to be fighting about, I was just stressed from work or whatever and decided now was the time to b*tch about dishes or something silly. I think constructive fighting takes both people having discussions when you are level headed and being introspective about whether this is really an issue or a side effect of something else.
Because my husband typically doesn’t like to argue much, I find more often than not it is most effective if I’m the one who “ends” the fight by summarizing. Hey I was frustrated by xyz, we’ve decided on trying this solution, I love you and I’m sorry for saying that thing that hurt your feelings, etc etc.
Oh and it should also go without saying, any fight had while drinking is going to be a no-good garbage fight that gets you no where.. Just a pattern I noticed when I was having a particularly stressful time at work, would have a glass or two of wine, and take out my frustrations on my poor husband about petty stuff.
Anonymous
It’s a lot easier to get over an argument when you fight fair and actually resolve things. My ex did what you describe – I’d start a talk about, say, division of labor at home and he’d bring up a litany of things he was secretly resenting me for. It would take me a long time – like weeks – to feel ok again because I would wonder what else he was keeping from me. I would also feel resentful because we never talked about what I wanted to discuss in the first place, and I’d be afraid to bring it up again. My current relationship has much better communication and we end every fight with cuddling.
It sounds like you guys need rules of engagement. One is to stay on point – if someone brings up past stuff that is totally unrelated, then you both have to hit the pause button. Two – either person can hit pause and come back to the discussion later. Three – things need to be resolved. It’s ok to take a time out and come back to it but you can’t just ignore stuff.
anon
It depends on the fight. We usually stop actively arguing by retreating to separate spaces. After we take space to calm down, we either find a time to talk calmly about a disagreement and what we need, or one or both of us apologizes for being cranky and picking a fight for external reasons. Often, we get to a real resolution–take an action, find a compromise, agree to work on a certain dynamic, etc. Sometimes, we just agree to table a decision for a certain amount of time (like, we’ll revisit major life decision in 3 months) or until a certain event happens.
For us, the first step of taking some space to calm down and stop actively arguing is the most important. We’ve had our worst fights when that’s not possible (like, in the car) or when one of us refuses to give the other space.
Anon
Following because I am wondering the same thing- I printed off the ACT with Love worksheets yesterday and hope to work through those with my partner.
Anne
For those who bought the Johnny Was masks, what did you use as a filter in the pocket filter? I’ve been using all etsy masks that have a layer of flannel for extra protection, and am in a hot spot, so would rather have some extra protection. I tried googling pocket filters but the results were conflicting and confusing.
anon
I use coffee filters.
AnonMom
I have sewn my own with internal filters made from blue shop towels. They feel like an industrial version of Viva paper towels and hold up to being laundered. I chose this material based on an article that said it was somewhat more effective at filtering out particles than other common materials. Link to follow in a moment.
AnonMom
Link to the article: https://www.businessinsider.com/homemade-mask-using-hydro-knit-shop-towel-filters-better-2020-4
anon8
Any feedback on how these fit? Most masks I’ve tried have been too big and I need to run them through the washer and dryer to shrink up the fabric. Even then I need to tighten the ear loops a bit so they fit snug against my face.
CountC
Masks are often too big on me as well (and I have tiny ears). Four out of the five masks in this pack are snug on me. The fifth is easily made snug by adding a safety pin to loop up a bit of the elastic. Hope that helps!
TheElms
I think they fit on the smaller side. I’m a short person and based on my glasses frame size the width of my face is on the narrower end. I don’t find they need to be shrunk to fit me correctly. In case it matters, they don’t have a nose wire which I had not realized, so I may try to add one.
Anonymous
Has anyone found masks with a nose wire that they like? My husband ordered the LA Apparel ones, and while they have a nose wire, I am not a fan (they’re a heavier fabric that’s going to get hot quick)
NOLA
Both the dude and I have narrow faces and narrow noses and have had a hard time finding masks that fit well with a nose wire. The best are from a local guy who sells on Fb (and ships). It’s Coughture Casual Collection. He has been wonderful to work with. His fabrics are fairly girly so we worked with him to choose fabrics that would work for a guy who has to wear masks at work and he even made masks from an old dress shirt of mine (an XL men’s dress shirt from the 90s). You just look through his fabric photos, save the ones you like, then message him your order on Messenger. He acknowledges your order and you can pay by Paypal or venmo or whatever else.
NYNY
I haven’t used them yet, but I just got a 12-pack of masks from Printmakers Collective that seem to check all my boxes:
– double-layer cotton
– pleated
– ties instead of ear loops
– nose wire
– supports an indie business
I ordered over the weekend and used standard shipping, so the availability & turnaround is great. I’m small-faced, short-nosed, small-eared, and wear glasses, and have had a lot of trouble with other mask styles. I was getting by on one I made myself from a handkerchief, ribbons, and the closure from a coffee bag, but it will be good to have extras as I start to go out more.
Anonymous
those look perfect, thanks!
anon8
Thanks so much! Looks like these might work for me without too much modification.
Anon
They’re huge on me, but i just sewed the elastic shorter.
Anon
I’m not using a filter but I have heard that coffee filters work.
Anon
I use paper towels, which you can compost.
Anon
I bought some filters on amazon. If you just search face mask filters, a few show up.
Anonymous
Do we need to use a filter? I figured the two layers were sufficient.
Anon
I currently assume that if I am using a filter, I am just breathing around it, since fabric masks don’t seal, and there is less resistance to breathing through the fabric wherever there’s no filter. However, I’m also sure it makes some difference, and this is all about probability (and in my view, maybe also lowering viral load if I am exposed). So I guess that’s why I’m using one.
Senior Attorney
I don’t use filters.
BTW we received the “neutral” prints that I ordered for my husband yesterday and he loved them. Ordering another set for myself.
HelloHello
Don’t order the silk masks – they sent me a mix of cotton and silk for one order, and then just cotton masks for the other order. No response from customer service, despite multiple attempts.
Anon
I ordered the cotton masks and got one that was 100% silk and the others were 98% silk.
Cat
I ordered and received silk (love them!) but that is frustrating!
Anon
I ordered and received silk and love them too. I’m guessing they are swamped, not that it is an excuse. I kept trying to order my husband a present on Amazon and the company kept sending the wrong model. I sent it back a couple of times and finally gave up and just got my money back.
Carmen Sandiego
I ordered the silk and maybe one is silk. I was disappointed in that, but otherwise the fabrics were really pretty.
Is it Friday yet?
I also got a mix – two cotton and three silk, which was disappointing given the price difference. The fabrics are beautiful, though!
Anon
Good morning, I’m expecting to be fired today. I spoke with employment attorneys last week who will help as needed. Any advice for how to handle the meeting, any questions to ask please? I have a feeling they won’t tell me the reason even if it will help with filing for unemployment …I also suspect they’d play fast and loose with confirming my dates of employment, salary, title (and the reason) with prospective employers who call, even though companies get sued for that. Thanks!
Anonymous
A reason would not necessarily help with filing for employment, unless you think they’re going to accuse you of gross misconduct and contest an application. Listen to what they have to say. Ask when and how your personal effects will be returned. If they offer you an agreement don’t sign it until your lawyer has reviewed it.
HR in Texas
Ugh, I’m sorry. Why do you expect it? Did you do something wrong? Is it more of a lay-off? I’m in HR so I would ask when your benefits lapse (it’s usually the end of the month which means you’d have 3 weeks to use them ), when will you get your final paycheck, what information do they provide to prospective employers if your employment needs to be verified, how can you obtain a copy of your personnel file (including any performance reviews). Obviously I don’t know what state you live in, but most states require employers to provide a reason for the termination – for cause, violation of Company policy, etc. I would definitely ask for the reason and if it’s violation of policy, ask for a copy. If they conducted an investigation, ask for a copy of the investigation report. I’m sure your attorney has advised you about this. If there’s anything you can copy/save now before you’re fired, do it!
Anon
How much documentation do you have? Can you get documentation confirming dates of employment before you leave?
Why do you think they will play “fast and loose”?
Anonymous
Do you have paycheck stubs? Between those and tax documents, you should have sufficient documentation of dates and salary.
S in Chicago
Just wanted to send kind thoughts. I don’t know how you deal with an unethical employer, but generally I’d make sure I had any contacts or work samples (if appropriate—I’m in advertising not law), ask about healthcare coverage, ask when you’ll be paid for vacation days, ask about any personal items or return of company computer, etc. I hope it goes quickly for you. Stressful enough even without a place you can’t trust. (Again, not a lawyer, but if you still have your hire letter maybe contact hr to be sure it jibes and do that in writing—maybe will help keep them honest?)
Anon
Sorry – hopefully I replied in the correct place! First time asking for advice on here and it’s just great of everyone. You all are incredible! Thank you for the insight. I’m in VA. They’re not bad people but I had visibly disagreed with the CEO, and it’s a parochial place where family members are hired and the coronavirus is referred to as “the flu”. The business has been hit hard by the pandemic. I know they paid severance to others in the past, but refused to provide a reason for termination. My performance and conduct shouldn’t be in question (and if so, hasn’t been brought up to me). I’ve gotten all documentation including pay stubs…the refusal to provide any reasoning is questionable, especially as future referrals and employment verifications go. I’m so appreciative of the insight. Thank you!
Anon
OP here again, not to get into it but suffice to say there’s a touch of seeming spite going on, the past couple people let go have upset the person in charge and then be terminated on or near holidays, some without reason. I’ve continued to do good work but not always towing the party line probably doesn’t help!
Anony
I’ve been in your shoes before – worked for a smaller family-owned and operated company that was the most hostile, Game-of-Thrones office that I’ve ever stepped foot in, ever. It was horrible. They framed my boss and fired him, even though I had proof that the incident didn’t happen. We were told to watch YouTube, Netflix, play on our computers if we didn’t have anything to do but do not ask for more work.
They decided to eliminate my position and said I’d take a large pay cut and work in the call center. I was not interested so I went to HR and basically told the HR guy (who was just as bad, if not worse, ethically than everyone else) that I’d go away quietly for a severance package. He agreed and I sat in his office until he showed me it in writing. I packed up my desk, gave someone a file box filled with ideas (which they ended up stealing after I left) to make the processes work better, and filed for unemployment that day.
Luckily for me, this company never did anything the ‘right’ way. They would not return calls from the Unemployment office so my “quit due to hostile workplace” reasoning was accepted uncontested.
Fast forward, any other company that I have worked for has also not been able to get in touch with them to verify my employment dates. Like not even when I was in the process of getting my security clearance. When it’s been mentioned to me, I’ve laughed it off with a “I imagine you can see why I only worked there for 4 months”. Them not verifying any information about my employment has not been detrimental at all – a background check to get my current job cleared, my security clearance cleared.
Anonymous
You don’t need a reason. And they aren’t obligated to provide one. If anyone asks, you were laid off from a business that had been hit hard by the pandemic.
Anonymous
Yeah, it’s probably actually better not to have a reason other than “changing business needs”— the pandemic, layoffs, etc. Anything else just puts the blame on the worker, which can get in the way of future employment and unemployment qualification. So don’t push for a reason.
Anon
Thank you. I appreciate it, and that’s entirely true. I simply hope they would be above board in any response to employment verification!
Anonymous
For unemployment verification of work dates and wages (at least in my state), as long as the company has a normal payroll and you file tax returns — the unemployment office gets your information directly from the IRS/your tax filings. So you don’t have to worry about your company lying to the unemployment office on those topics.
Anon
Make sure to file for unemployment. I am in VA, and filed for unemployment after being laid off for virus related reasons. The application was easy enough (took about an hour) and the approval came quickly. You are a regular employee whose pay will be in whatever tax system they check for this so it should be smooth for you. There were specific instructions on the website about indicating you were terminated due to the virus. The unemployment office is swamped, and they’re doing a great job of getting benefits paid, but won’t have time to worry about nitpicking the situation so your employer probably won’t need to be contacted to give a reason.
Anon
You all are amazing – thank you so much.
That’s partly what I was worried about, apparently the Virginia system requires the reason for separation. That’s really great to know.
Thank you so much to everyone in HR and advertising and all across the country for providing such valuable insight – all of those nuggets of information have been very helpful.
Thankfully I was not let go today – I suppose a piece of good news in all this – but I am still wary of what might come. I have much more peace of mind knowing I am all that much more prepared thanks to your suggestions. Thank you again! I’m trying to keep some of your suggestions to another thread – someone in the tech industry – just a blip (well, a bit more than that but still) in a long career. And hopefully they won’t play games like demoting my position for no good reason rather than letting me go. Anyway, thank you.
Anon
Thank you all – again, good info about not necessarily pushing for a reason. Anony, that situation stinks. I’m glad you got out and had the courage to demand a written severance. And best yet I love that it didn’t negatively impact you – if anything, their lack of action has proven your point! Fantastic.
Anon
I was in your shoes in January. It’s horrible waiting for that meeting and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
Ask for everything in writing. My former employer was surprised I wanted this, and I was surprised they weren’t offering it. Agreeing to the final severance document ended up taking several weeks, and I used an employment attorney for this – a few thousand dollars well spent.
Good luck! It’s not the end of the world but a new beginning! I’m much, much, much happier now.
Anon
To add a couple more thoughts, since you are concerned about them verifying dates of employment, a written severance agreement is good for this as well.
Believe it or not, we went round and round on the word “involuntary” – the company insisted it should be voluntary because it was voluntary on their part. Yes, this person passed the bar. (Insert eyeroll emoji)
If you haven’t had your meeting yet, my recommendation for that is not to push for a reason, and obviously try not to get emotional, but to try your best to put a positive, professional spin on it and make it clear that you want the break to be clean and well-documented.
Please update us and tell us how it goes!
Anon
Gosh these two comments on severance are really great, thank you. I’m just sorry that the two of you went through it…but it seems you have survived! I think you may have just save me a weeks of grief I would have been stressing so much if the process of taking a couple weeks or we were going back-and-forth over one word. Just goes to show that it’s not crazy to get things in writing or to self-advocate.
Car shopping - Subaru Ascent?
We need to go car shopping in the next few months. I’m due with our first baby in October, and while we’ll keep my 2005 volvo sedan until the wheels fall off, I want something newer for baby and also big enough to fit the whole family for travel (2 adults, baby, large dog and cat).
I’m partial to Subarus. Anyone have the Ascent? Or test-drive it and decide against it (and what did you end up getting)? We need three rows b/c of the dog and because my husband is not capable of packing lightly for any trip of any duration.
anon.
My husband bought it and doesn’t like it. He wanted the three row Kia Telluride, but it was sold out everywhere in our area and he had to get on a months long waiting list. He is vague about why he doesn’t like it, I’m sorry to not be more specific. The cargo area is not super functional according to him.
Anon
Love my Volvo wagon, but you may need more space than that.
This isn’t snark, just a heads-up: your husband is going to need to learn to pack less once there’s a baby. We packed lightly for a short weekend away recently, and it was: baby in car seat, stroller, baby wearing thingie, food for the road for the baby, food for the baby once there, bottles, bottle brush, diapers, changing pad, wipes, baby clothes, sun hat, burp cloth, stuffed animal, soother toy, two books.
Even the bare minimum of baby stuff is a lot of baby stuff.
Anon
+1 love my Volvo wagon. I have the XC70. Will drive that baby into the ground.
Amy Oriss
We don’t have an Ascent, but we do have an Outback and it’s quite spacious. Our 75lb dog fits well in the way back, and we bought an adjustable barrier so he doesn’t crawl into the back seat. It’s a solid and sturdy car, and I feel very safe driving it in bad weather. Honestly, the only negatives I have are 1) if you’re petite like I am you have to move the seat pretty far up to touch the pedals, and 2) replacing burned out lights is VERY difficult to do yourself (and we are handy) so we have to go back to the dealership for replacement every time. Maybe that’s changed in later models, though — ours is a 2015.
CountC
+1 I also have an Outback that I love, and I have a friend who has kids who loves her Ascent, but I can’t speak to it pseronally.
AFT
Another Outback lover. Ours is 10 years old with no major issues but coming to a point where that may change. We’ll likely trade it in for another Outback or the Ascent (for the third row).
Anonymous
Have a 2015 Outback and won’t be buying Subaru again — lots of random problems with the battery dying, winddws not rolling down, hatch getting stuck, etc. Also feels crazy cramped in both leg area and trunk.
Anon with Subaru
My 2015 Outback failed to start shortly after I purchased it (it had 12K miles on it). There was eventually some sort of software fix that the dealer installed. Never happened again.
Clementine
My in-laws have one which is less than a year old and have already had odd issues with it – bad AC, etc.
Have you considered staying with a Volvo? The XC60 and XC90 are both great – and oddly, a gently used Volvo SUV was less than a gently used Toyota Highlander or Honda Pilot, particularly if you’re able to travel to the wealthy ‘burbs to buy one.
(Somebody explained that this is because there are quite a few people who buy a new luxury car every year or two, but people buying a solid Toyota or Honda plan on driving it forever. Thus, it ends up being a weird nonsensical pricing structure where it was cheaper to get an XC90 than a Highlander).
Anon
Yep. Find a very wealthy suburb, like Weston MA, and buy your gently used Volvo there.
AnonInHouse
When my husband needed to replace his old Outback a couple years ago, he test drove the Ascent (I think when it first came out?). He didn’t care for the way it drove because it was “too smooth.” I think he liked that his Outback felt like a heavy, sturdy car and the Ascent felt too “refined” (?). Completely personal preference, obviously. He bought a Highlander instead. We wanted 3 rows; otherwise, he’d have bought another Outback over the Ascent.
Sloan Sabbith
My grandpa has an ascent and I like it a lot. I’ve had two Subarus now (a forester and am Impreza) and like them a lot.
Anonymous
Just a heads up – it may not be all the space you think it is. We purchased an MDX for the same reasons and space needs as you (two adults, a baby, a large dog and a small dog for short and medium trips). It has not really been large enough. To get the space you’re probably imagining, it’s a minivan or a true large SUV.
Anon
Following with interest – we have a 2011 Forester but also a 155 lb dog, so he fills the entire cargo area. I’m looking for a bigger SUV at least partly so i’m no longer lint rolling hair off the interior ceiling.
PDXK
We have a Subaru Forester with two dogs, toddler and two adults. We have a roof box for trips where we need the extra storage space, which we found to be a much better solution for us than a larger car, as we definitely don’t need the extra space on the reg. Would note that *especially* with a toddler, we always put the dogs in the way back with a dog barrier up for everyone’s safety and I didn’t even consider any third row cars accordingly. (Definitely recommend looking for a car where the air con reaches the back regardless though, so doggos don’t overheat.) For us the box up top plus the backseat space not occupied by toddler is enough for any trips we take by car with dogs.
Anonymous
Very similar situation! We have two large dogs and a 3 year old and a baby on the way. We had the Volvo XC 60 when the toddler was a baby and it very quickly felt too small. Between the carseat, the Uppababy vista stroller, dogs, and even a little luggage the car was packed really quickly.
We switched to the Ascent (with bucket seats) and I like it. We had limited options for true SUV because our garage is really narrow. With the caveat that we don’t really drive to things longer than a 4 day weekend away, it’s been fine. We usually pack the trunk with bags, a dog gets each side seat in the 3rd row, the stroller goes down the middle walkway, and then things like the diaper bag go on the second bucket seat.
Jury is still out on how I’ll feel once we add a second car seat…
Anon
I had a Subaru Crosstrek and while it was pretty reliable the lights kept burning out. Not a huge deal since they can be easily replaced, especially by a dealership, but it was a real pain and something I’ve never encountered with a a car (mostly Acuras, which were great but mine lacked the AWD or 4WD I needed). I really like the look of the Volvos but a trusted mechanic told me not to go near them. Having said, that everyone I know with a Volvo has loved them!
Gift Suggestions?
Good morning! I hope everyone is hanging in there today.
My best work friend has just moved to NYC and I am looking for a gift idea. He has impeccable taste (I typically rely on him for my gift suggestions) and has just purchased a Traeger smoker/grill, so was thinking some kind of gourmet spice rub set for smoking meats? Also, suggestions for anything you New Yorkers love/would have loved early on would be awesome. Bottle of booze is always an option, too. Thanks in advance!
Regards,
A terrible gift giver heavily reliant on input by others :)
NY CPA
Cookie delivery from Levain bakery? I sent some to a friend who was struggling with the shutdown and bereavement, and she was over the moon.
Anon
i was sent these when my mom passed away. while they obviously didn’t solve the problem, they were very much appreciate. or even a gift card so he can go explore in person as things open up.
Anon
How about a spice mix/box from Penzey’s? Everything they have is good.
Anonymous
It is really good and I would also recommend. But just a heads up to the OP, shipping times are delayed. The website says less than 3 weeks to shipping, but I’ve been waiting slightly over that. Which is fine, I can wait, but maybe not ideal for a gift.
Anon
Savory Spice is an alternative that seems to be shipping faster at the moment (my order was only slightly delayed). If they hadn’t come through, I would have gone with Oaktown Spice Shop.
Anon
But it is so great to support Penzey’s for its strong stance on social justice issues. Penzey’s walks the walk, not just talking it.
Anonymous from 10:03
Yes. Specifically, the Italian blend is amazing and I use it for everything. For meat, love the BBQ 3000 and Bicentennial Rub.
Katie
Second – Penzey’s is great!
Anon
Kalustyan’s is a classic for spices in NYC, and La Boite is also a good choice. Lots of bars and restaurants are delivering batch cocktails right now – Dutch Kills is great and delivering all over the five boroughs, with fancy bags of ice, to boot.
Anonymous
Dutch Kills is my favorite bar in the world and one of the few things I miss about living in NYC.
LICanon
They’re doing to-go cocktails now, it is among my current favorite things about living within walking distance of there :
LSC
I love the book Project Smoke for use with my Traeger. Lots of involved recipes, which might be good if he is mostly stuck at home!
Anonymous
Has anyone here taking online classes that are cardio ballet? I’m not looking for ballet classes or barre classes per se – something more akin to Zumba (but ballet).
Ribena
Has anyone here taking online classes that are cardio ballet? I’m not looking for ballet classes or barre classes per se – something more akin to Zumba (but ballet).
Anon
There’s a 30-minute Popsugar barre that feels slightly more ballet-like to me. Just YouTube “popsugar Barre” and it’ll come up.
Anonymous
Thanks – I’ll give these a try!
Anonie
There are actual several ballet schools around the country (and globe) that are offering online courses right now due to the pandemic! I found a bunch a while back with a quick google search (I did ballet very seriously growing up and, as someone who doesn’t particularly enjoy working out as an adult, have done a couple classes here and there for exercise). And there are YouTube dancers who offers free ballet classes for adults. Just type “ballet workout” or “ballet class” into the search bar on YouTube. Your comment is a good reminder for me to get back into it!
Anonymous
Thanks – yes, I’ve done ballet for years and my studio is offering these, but I’m looking for more of a relaxed cardio workout.
Lydia
obé has these!
Anon
Yeah Obé has them…they offer a free week trial (or did recently)!
anon
Ugh, our weather has gone from a cool spring to 95 degrees in the course of the week, and my skin is a mess. It does not handle seasonal changes well. Anyway, what are your favorite summer foundation products? Especially if you have really sensitive, reactive skin (rosacea). I have been trying a lightweight tinted moisturizer instead of foundation but I feel like it just smears everywhere!
Anon
I have super sensitive skin that turns red just from getting out of a shower. I use the Glow Recipe watermelon mask at night. Then a gentle cleanser in the morning with a light application of IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Redness for Sensitive Skin. Let that absorb. Then apply IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Pores primer. Also let it dry, then apply a super light layer of my favorite cc cream. (I alternate between a few, right now I use Clinique.)
Airplane.
If you feel like tinted moisturizer or lighter coverage foundation just “smears everywhere,” you need a primer. I like Deciem’s hylamide blur primer and their lighter “serum” foundation paired together, mixed with my hands so they warm a little and applied with makeup sponge.
But honestly, you can also just monistat anti-chafing gel as a dupe for primer before you put on whatever you already have.
Anon
I second monistat chafing gel as a primer, or just start with Dr Jart’s Cicapair (the color correcting formula in the jar)? It is a good fit for red/reactive skin and humid/hot weather. It does take some blending, but this is a good idea for the SPF protection anyway.
Airplane.
Oh, that’s a good point – if you have redness due to rosacea, the green color correcting primers might work better – I used to swear by smashbox, but now I feel like even the drugstore brands have ones that work – e.l.f. and the like. Anything that is green color corrects for redness in the skin.
Longer term, can you work with a derm to tackle the redness / seasonal roseacea? There are a few things that I used to think I just had to live with when the seasons changed (itchy scalp, seasonal skin dryness and thickening skin patches) that were fixable with topicals / prescriptions from a good dermatologist.
Anonymous
I have been using IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Redness as foundation. Only available in lighter skin tones, though.
Anon
How long do you typically wait until the “define the relationship” talk? I’m at a crossroads right now. Half of me says I want to have that talk with a guy I’m currently seeing but another half wants to give it more time. We’re at about 4 months, still seeing each other but less because of Covid (can’t meet for midweek drinks, dates look different, etc.) It feels like neither of us are showing up but that’s just hard right now, but at the end of the day, I do want this guy to know how I feel about him long term. I hope this lighthearted question gives some relief to your day. Everyone stay safe and stay engaged, sending lots of love to my stranger internet girlfriends.
Anon
Are you sure you know what you want? I can’t quite tell from your post.
Anecdata — in my current relationship, we took things slowly at first, and about 1.5 months in said we weren’t seeing anyone else but left it at that. At around 3 months, we had the boyfriend/girlfriend talk (he initiated), and by 5 months in were talking casually about a future together. We’re currently around 6 months, have been quarantining together successfully, and are talking about moving in together. In the last couple of years, I had dated several people for 4-6 months but none of them felt “right.”
Equestrian Attorney
This is basically the exact pattern in my current relationship. We are about 8 months in, 30, and planning for a future together.
Ellen
I agree. It is not clear if you are even sleeping together b/c of social distancing, and you really cannot determine whether you want to marry someone until you have been there and done that with him in bed– alot. If the guy is not REALLY into you, you won’t know and you will be hurt if you tell him you want him, but then he does not want you other then for s-x. I recomend you not have s-x b/c of the COVID, and see if he is there for you celabately. Once you know he is not just interested in s-x, then you can see if he wants more and you can then think about s-x with him as long as he is exclusive with you and does not have other guys that he hangs out with that provide him with female outlets. That is the last thing you want or need at this point. Take it slow, and it may answer itself for you! YAY!!!
Anonymous
Neither of you are ‘showing up” but you also want him to know how you feel about him? It sounds like mixed messages — that leaves me confused, and I’m not even in the relationship!
Anonymous
Give it time.
Anonymous
This is so individual. What are you comfortable with? My goal is to get married and have children in the near term, so to me, 4 months is a long time to invest in someone without any sort of commitment. And if I didn’t feel strongly about that commitment by 4 months, to me, that’s a sign I’m pretty meh about him and need to move on.
Anon
Sorry, but +1 to the last sentence for sure.
OP
OP here, it’s honestly me being a bit scared. I had a 2 and a half relationship where I was living with the person not work out… don’t want a repeat. And now I’m at the point in my life where this relationship or the one after it may very likely be the person I spend the rest of my life with. I have deep feelings for him, and he’s amazing. So…I’m trying to find the balance of my emotional self but also rationalize if more time is needed. And I’m trying to respect the times right now and understand we’re both trying to do our best with how dating looks right now. But I can’t expect him to show up if I’m not either, and I don’t know if either of us have gotten a proper chance to. So maybe…start with more effort from me? Lead by example?
Anon
Huh. Yeah, this does not sound like a guy you’re in love with or even crazy about. You DTR when you’re excited about a person. With my now-husband, I think that was 3 weeks. I met his entire extended family at 5 months, we were engaged at 11 months, and married at 16 months. When you know, you know. (Late 30s professionals, so not college kids running on hormones.)
Anon
I was like this, except we had the DTR like three days after we met.
Anonymous
This was also basically us. Exclusive chat at 1 month. Discussion at 6 months agreeing that we wanted to continue relationship and marriage was on the table as an end point. Moved in after 18 months together, got engaged a year l after that. I was 23 and he was 26 when we started dating. Even then I had no time for guys who couldn’t commit.
Senior Attorney
What do you want to tell him? My feeling is that if you have something you are dying to say, then say it.
My husband is not a feelings-talker but at some point I just really wanted to tell him how I felt, so I busted out some George Eliot and it went well: “I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure that you are of the same mind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of light and speech, and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.”
And then later on when it was time to get married, I opened my mouth and had thoughts on that, too.
I feel like it is more than okay to be a person who wants things who says you want things.
So… what do you want?
Anon
Please tell me you didn’t honestly quote George Eliot. It’s so cringe-worthy.
Senior Attorney
Good thing you weren’t there, then, huh?
Senior Attorney
Oh, and you would really hate the part where he recited Longfellow to me…
Anon
I couldn’t disagree more.
anon
I think that George Eliot quote is very sweet, vulnerable, and meaningful. I’d swoon hard if someone said that to me, and I generally tend towards dry, acerbic humor and very analytical rather than emotional expressions of my thoughts and feelings.
Anon
“I feel like it is more than okay to be a person who wants things who says you want things.”
This is very true, but also it took me 2 and a half years of therapy to be able to do this. It is sometimes much easier said than done.
Senior Attorney
Oh, man, no kidding. Like, 10 years of therapy here.
Senior Attorney
Also: I got the George Eliot quote from my therapist LOL
Anon
I love that!
OP
OP here, thank you for that kind push. Sometimes getting lost in the weeds isn’t a sign of not being committed, it’s just being scared. I know I’m not showing up as much as a WANT because I’m scared from childhood trauma. And maybe I’m setting a bad example for us. I want to find the mixture of not settling for a guy who can’t commit but also giving things the time they deserve. I think I’m at that point now which is why I have the initial reaction to run away rather than deal with…but you’re right! your last two sentences will stick with me. I think, because of what our personal journey has looked like and what dating looks like right now, it may be time to ask him what he wants and what that looks like for him, and then do the same. We don’t have to have the jumping leap conversation, and I may just be surprised!
Senior Attorney
Good luck! Report back if you feel so moved!
Curious
This is amazing :)
Lobby-est
Love your story!
Anon Probate Atty
My father passed away Monday night. I had posted about a week ago asking for advice as I was preparing to take time off work. I’m working through some resentment at my stepmother for the way this process was handled, in that decisions were made without consulting with my brother or me, both of whom are responsible adults who have always been involved in our father’s life. I am particularly upset about the fact my father was not placed on an IV for pain and anxiety medication; instead, the meds were delivered via syringe into his mouth, leading to significant recurrent episodes of pain and shaking from anxiety when the meds started to wear off. It was difficult and painful to watch. But I think my stepmother was in over her head and didn’t want to admit it, out of misplaced pride in the fact that she is a nurse and felt she *should* know everything about this process. I am trying to accept it and move on. My father was a kind person who loved us as best he could, and I keep trying to remind myself to focus on that rather than on the circumstances of his death, as difficult as it may be. Thanks for all your helpful advice and support.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry this has been painful. I nursed my mother through her last hours and it is a deep and lasting trauma. I urge you to forgive everyone involved. Oral morphine and anxiety meds are standard care for patients actively dying. Inserting IV at the end of life can be difficult and painful. I say this not because I’m 100% sure that your father received the best care or not, but because you deserve to know that you did your best, you loved him, he received appropriate care, and he loves you and I truly believe knows you did all you could. The reality is that dying is always bad no matter how hard we try. I will keep him and you in my prayers.
Anon Probate Atty
Thank you.
sleep
Yes, this is so painful to see, but I agree with Anon at 10:29. IV placement at end of life can be fraught with problems, and giving medicines through the mouth is actually not like swallowing pills – it is being absorbed faster than oral as it is absorbed often through the membranes of the mouth. IV can have many problems, get clogged, cause pain, fall out/stop working……
I am so sorry for this painful experience. I unfortunately know it well, as I went through a similar experience with my mother’s passing. But to focus on these minutes/hours/days will eat you alive. Give it time. The wounds are so fresh.
Please try to leave behind your anger and frustration at your MIL. Honestly, your father was so lucky to have a nurse as a partner. I’m sure it helped is care immeasurably. It also made the process much more painful for his partner. Ask me how I know.
Never too many shoes...
No advice but I just want to say how very sorry I am for your loss. It was clear from your last post that this was going to be very painful and sad.
Anon
I’m very sorry for your loss.
Anon
I’m very sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to deal with the resentment and frustration – it’s valid and needs to be processed too.
Anonymous
Unless you have reason to believed she wanted him in pain, I think that for your own sake, you have to trust that she made the best decisions she could at the time even if in hindsight maybe another decision would have been better.
I have awful veins – poor veins run in the women on my mom’s side – my mom has had to have one in her foot because that was the only vein they could get and it took two anesthesiologists before they could get it. DH knows to ask medical personnel to avoid IVs unless there is no other alternative because it usually takes a long time and a lot of tries to run an IV. I labored and delivered without an epidural on both pregnancies because an epidural would have meant an IV as well.
Anonymous
This is so hard. We had a different set of issues with my step mom during this extremely difficult time. What helped us was remembering how grateful we were during the rest of their marriage when she kept our dad active, engaged in senior travel, etc.
Monday
I’m so sorry. My Dad died at home of cancer, also getting orally administered meds by family. He was incoherent, so I really couldn’t tell what he wanted or whether we needed to do something differently. We were supposed to have hospice workers coming to help us, but we kept getting snow storms and they didn’t come. I definitely did not feel we were adequate to care for him, despite my mom also being in medicine. Those memories are the worst of my life, though it was what he and my mom wanted.
I am comforted by the knowledge that that time was a tiny fraction of his life (even though he went at a relatively young 54). If I picture him “remembering” his life in some way, that experience is only a short moment that came at the end of decades of good life. If we could speak, I can imagine him agreeing that of course, that sucked, but then moving on to some other topic that is more interesting to him.
It’s been almost 12 years. My sister, who was hanging around for all of this at age 16, is now an oncology nurse. Understand that anger, doubt and second-guessing are a natural part of grief. I’m so sorry about your dad.
Anon Probate Atty
I’m sorry for your loss, and I know that the sadness doesn’t go away, even after 12 years. You did try your best and so did your family, and I hope you can take comfort in that.
Airplane.
I am so so sorry for your loss. Grieve the way you need to grieve. I won’t tell you that you need to let go of the resentment right now. I used to repeat to myself “resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die,” and that might help later but right now maybe you need to sit in it before you can even picture working through it. I’m very, very sorry.
Anon
I am so sorry for your loss and also sorry you had to see him like that. I watched my grandmother pass away about 6 months ago with nurses failing to medicate her enough to keep her comfortable until several forceful conversations I finally had with staff. Out of respect for my family, I waited to intervene until it was clear no one else was going to and she was suffering so much. I struggled with anger at the other adults in the room (her own children) who seemed paralyzed and unable to advocate for her. They would whisper and complain about her pain amongst themselves as soon as the nursing staff left, but did not push for additional meds even when she was screaming and in apparent distress. Her morphine was finally increased and anti-anxiety medication was added, and when she passed, it was peaceful. My grandmother lived a long good life, but in my mind, those final hours never should have happened the way they did.
Grief is a complicated emotion and human suffering is terrible to witness, especially when it is a loved one. It’s okay to feel whatever feelings you do right now, but know that anger toward your family during a difficult time is only going to hurt you and maybe your relationships with them. I struggled to move through my feelings of loss, anger, and sadness related to my grandmother’s death, and with some distance, I understand everyone in that room was suffering and did not know what to do, but everyone was there for her and loved her very much, which is what matters most.
Again, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Be kind to yourself in these upcoming days.
Anon Probate Atty
Your experience sounds very similar to mine, except I didn’t really speak up other than what I said to my stepmother. I knew that if I “went behind her back” to the nurses she would have been furious, as she had made all the decisions without us and is the type of person who never admits when they are wrong. I couldn’t handle her fury at that moment, and I feel somewhat ashamed of that. She did advocate for increasing his morphine, which was eventually done. I was told later by another family member that IV meds would have been classified as “life-enhancing” care or something like that, and would have cost an additional $6,000 per month. The thought that this decision was made because of monetary cost is very, very upsetting. I don’t know that it’s true, either, but I suspect it is.
Same Anon from Above
I will echo with the person above said about witnessing the death of a loved one, especially one who was in pain that you cannot make go away, is a real trauma. It will be very hard to grapple with for a long time, and seeing what I did remains one of my worst life experiences. The only thing to do with grief is to keep making your way through it until eventually you can think of your loved one beyond those last horrible moments. For me, it is true that it was a small (but horrific) moment in an otherwise good life full of many happy memories of my grandmother. Right now, everything is raw and the feelings are too big to make space for any sort of perspective, and you unfortunately have to sit with that. Lean on your friends and family for support. Make sure you have someone you can speak to about your anger and resentment so you can get it out. Even if its somewhere anonymous like this, saying it out loud elsewhere may be a helpful first step to moving beyond it. Try to assume good intentions for your step-mother. She may have done the best she could in the moment. I was shocked to see a room full of type A adults (including my own parents) who will assert themselves in any situation shrink back from making a call during something like this, but it was traumatic and they were just trying to get through it just like anyone else.
Jo March
I’m sorry for your loss, OP. It’s so hard to lose a parent.
Senior Attorney
I’m so sorry for your loss, and for how hard it was. Hugs to you.
S in Chicago
I don’t know if this gives any comfort, but after the passing of my own father from a rare lung condition, I had a million different things that I was beating myself up about. I should have pushed harder for a wheel chair before he lost strength enough to use one. I should have brought french fries more often since his heart condition ended up being a non-issue. We should have used hospice sooner. My mom had a similar running list. In her mind, she should have worked on upper body strength more so she could lift him better when the time came. Could they have lived somewhere with better air quality or chosen a different carpet or different paint or any number of other things chemical wise that probably had no impact at all (he wasn’t a smoker and having the condition be idiopathic drove us all nuts with what-ifs). Could we have done more for pain? Did we over medicate? I don’t know anything about grief then my own experiences. But it feels like this second-guessing part is often some of the process. I know it’s hard, but try to consider your stepmother’s position. She wouldn’t have wanted him to have pain and was doing the best she could. An IV may not have made a difference, even though it may feel like it. (Just like the carpet selection probably had zero impact on my dad.) Sometimes no matter what you do, the result still ends up being awful. I try to remind myself of that when I start going into one of these “what’ if” or “I wish someone would have” loops. (Easier said than done, of course. It’s been five years now and I still find myself doing this sometimes.) So much in life we can “fix” and it’s just plain miserable when you can’t. I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you’re in. Try to be gentle with yourself and the rest of your family. You all loved him and are grieving and trying to get through in your personal ways right now. Anger can feel a little easier to deal with than grief sometimes, so it’s natural to feel like someone didn’t do their part or that he was cheated in all sorts of ways (more time, happier time, time better spent than doing X, etc.). Honestly, it isn’t fair. But sitting with that anger around the last part of a life can only do so much. Those loops of thought maybe help in processing things. But at some point, it starts to feel a whole lot better to focus on the rest of a life that mattered. At least it did for me. (Again, just personal experience and no expert here.) I don’t think there is one way to get through. And you’ll find what works best for your own peace of mind in time. My deepest condolences.
CountC
I’m very sorry for your loss :(
Junior Associate
I’m so so sorry for your loss.
Ses
Very sorry for your loss. It sounds like such a difficult situation.
Anonymous
I’m sorry for your loss. My Dad passed away 6 weeks ago, after having a significant stroke. We were told he would not survive based on the initial CT scan taken when he arrived at the hospital. He was unconscious for the period between the stroke and when he passed away 3 days later. He did not have an IV — they delivered all the medications subcutaneously under the skin. I requested a palliative care doctor to be assigned to his care in the hospital, and while she adjusted his medications, she didn’t change the method used to administer the meds. I understand this to be standard practice when someone is actively dying. Your focus on his whole life vs. the hours or days of his death, is something I focus on as well, as I found it very difficult not to be able to have someone from our family with him while he passed away due to COVID restrictions. I know he knew he was well loved.
Carmen Sandiego
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Quail
I’m so sorry for your loss. My mother died at home over 10 years ago. Similar situation with stepparent and complicated family dynamics. She didn’t enter hospice care until the very end (she was lucid and wanted to continue treatments until her doctors gently told her to stop coming in and start hospice) and while the hospice nurses were great, I was very surprised at how much care us family members (none of us with any medical background) were expected to do. My experience, like others, was what she was given oral pain meds, by us. It was awful. Terrible. None of us were prepared for the messy reality of death. Our dysfunctional family dynamics were heightened by the grief and stress we were all under. I had dreams and memories of those horrible days for years. It took me a while, but eventually I overcame some pretty fierce resentment at my family for how they behaved. I say this in great empathy with you – it was a lifechanging experience for me, and I credit a lot of therapy at the time in helping me through it. Everything you are feeling is totally normal. Now, I, like other posters, take great comfort from the fact that we did our best. You did your best. Keep repeating that.
Anon Probate Atty
Thank you. It was pretty horrible. And I felt awful that we all saw my dad like that. I’m glad my children were not there. I had previously been through the death of my mother, also in hospice. She was in even more pain due to cancer, and had been set up on an IV morphine drip. Because of the IV, we were able to adjust her morphine levels almost instantaneously whenever the pain started. And she didn’t have the shaking episodes my father had, I’m told due to anxiety. That is what is sticking in my mind about my dad. I hope that at some point I can forget that altogether.
Quail
That sounds horrible. I can see why those episodes are sticking with you. Especially having seen it go so differently with your mom. I hope at some point soon you can forget that part altogether as well. It’s so hard.
Anon
Being angry is part of the grieving process. I have lost my father, my mother, and a child. I was with each of them as they died. I was angry every time. It’s normal. Feel the anger and the sadness – everything that comes to you.
Sometimes you will be happy. and then you might feel ashamed that you are happy when you should be grieving – don’t be. That is normal too. You have the rest of your life to grieve, you don’t have to do it all at once.
I’m sorry for your loss. Things will get better for you but it will take some time. Hugs.
Anon Probate Atty
I’m sorry for the losses that you have also endured. Thank you for your kind words.
Anonymous
Wanted to give an update after my incessant posts on vacuums from a few weeks ago. I’d been looking at canister Mieles as well as various Dysons.
We got the Dyson animal v11. It works great and we definitely do not need another vacuum. It’s cordlessness means i can travel around the house and vacuum at like 10x the speed of having a corded one.
PSA: the amount of dirt it picks up, even now 3–4 weeks later, is embarrassing, disgusting, and awesome all at once. My house is apparently filthy.
Clementine
I’m so glad! It’s genuinely made my house significantly cleaner.
Turning on ‘turbo mode’ on our hallway runner is… always SHOCKING at how much dirt it gets out of a ‘clean’ rug.
Anon
Is it significantly better than your old vacuum at picking up dirt? I’m hesitant to shell out for a new vacuum, even though I think our old one is starting to not work as well, because I’m not sure if the difference will be marginal or significant. We have carpet and hardwood and a Robovac for basic cleaning.
Anon
Depending on how old your vacuum is, it’s my impression that vacuum technology has come a long, long way in the last 10-15 years, or maybe the better technology has just trickled down to my price point. My new midrange vacuum wildly outperforms its predecessor.
Anon
We got it in 2011 and it’s a nice canister-style Electrolux. If you think the technology has improved a ton since then, though, that’s something to think about…
Anonymous
OP here. we had an old cheap cannister. It is 1000x better. Not even in the same ballpark.
Anon
We got the V10 at the beginning of the pandemic and both my husband and I share your feelings about it. He sent me this tweet that illustrated it very well: “ it disturbs me how much dopamine I got from my new cordless vacuum. Both because of its versatility and because I did a manly and mounted the charging stand to my wall all by myself. 38yo me would be horrified to see me now.”
Anon
My husband also vacuums lots more because it feels more like a leaf or snow blower.
NYC Girl
I recently got the Dyson cordless V10 and same experience. We had been previously using a 5 year old canister Electrolux (so not an old/cheap/bad vacuum) and I was horrified at the amount of cat hair and dirt the Dyson picked up the day after I had vacuumed with the Electrolux (especially on carpets!!). For a visual, I filled the Dyson canister with dust/dirt/hair with each 8×10 rug I vacuumed…
Great investment! Very happy with it several weeks later!
Anon
Facebook is giving me the exclamation point “unable to post comment” error on one particular page. Does that mean I was blocked/censored?
HousecounseI
I had the same experience today and thought I had been blocked (I wouldn’t have been surprised) but tried a bit later and was able to post. Maybe just a glitch.
anon
I think it’s much more likely that they’re having technical difficulties. Their workforce is deeply unhappy and I think the site’s being affected as a result.
Anon
Does anyone have tips for raising safety concerns in the office? Our reopening protocol is basically “let’s misinterpret our state’s regulations and use a few staffers as guinea pigs to reopen with no actual mask or cleaning guidelines of any kind.” I sent some concerns to my supervisor, but she didn’t take it that seriously (“oh, Big Boss knows that people want to stay home and will allow it, he’s said so to me privately.”) We have an open cubicle layout with some private offices and a bathroom that is shared with other companies. I’m not sure why Big Boss isn’t concerned about liability since our local paper, which I know he reads, has reported that companies could be at great risk if they reopen too soon and without following protocols. I’m not sure how else I can raise this and if I should just ignore it and rely on the vague, not-in-writing promise that we can continue to WFH instead. Thoughts?
Anonymous
If you can keep working from home, id just keep doing that.
Anon
I *think* we can and it would be my preference for sure, but the Big Boss prefers people to be in the office and I’m concerned that he’ll make a sudden announcement that we all need to come back based on some sketchy read of local regulations.
Monday
Ask A Manager has posted advice about this. Check out her section on Covid 19 workplace issues.
Airplane.
Well, I would respond to the your supervisor’s comment by saying “Well, if he knows that and said it to you privately, I think he should say it to everyone, publicly, and make it part of our plan. If everyone who wants to stay home will be allowed to stay home and keep their jobs, he should make that part of the protocol. Not all the staff has the access to have private conversations with Big Boss like you do. And we really wouldn’t want the press or those outside the company to mis-interpret Big Boss’s intentions or be liable for re-opening too soon or not following state’s guidance.”
Try to align yourself with supervisor and Big Boss in an effort to protect the company’s interests – that framing might result in protecting the staffers and employees.
Anonymous
Keep working from home. Ask them for a copy of the from work home policy. Talk to your fellow employees to see if they’re on the same page, so you can all push back on reopening as a group or require safety measures as a group (though staying home is best because once your there safety measures can be dropped/out of your control).
Nesprin
Speaking as a lab worker, asking for standard operating protocols and osha/health dept guidance should not be contentious, but sometimes is. So as with everything contentious, documentation is a good idea. I’d email your boss and ask for guidelines and attach guidelines for similar businesses if available.
Jo March
I have rediscovered the joy of reading this year, and it has been the best source of self-care for me. What I’m missing is someone to talk about the books with, so I’ve been thinking of joining a book club (obviously, that will have to be virtual for now).
My question is how do I find one that is a good fit? Meeting once a month would make sense for me because I could read the book club book, but still have time for other books that weren’t on the club list. I also don’t want to waste time reading books for the book club that I’m not interested in. I tried to start a book club with friends, but that never got off the ground due to differences in reading preferences. And how do larger book clubs work? I’m weary of bigger groups because I feel like it gets harder to have a true discussion. But I am also a little shy, so maybe that’s why I think that.
Any tips/recommendations on how to find a book club and make the most of it would be appreciated!
Anonymous
Meetup is great for this
Anon
Not exactly what you are asking, but I don’t like book clubs b/c of the whole reading a book I’m not interested in, even if it’s only a part of the time.
Are you on Goodreads? That’s where I get the most random feedback and idea loop with “friends” and daily emails on what everyone is reading. I suggest casting a wide friend net (wider than your other social medias, at least for me), not that many people update often but I appreciate the people I know that do & I now feel this random book connection to them, even though we were like, barely friends in high school 20 years ago.
Carmen Sandiego
I think that part of being in a book club means that you’re going to have to sometimes read books you wouldn’t have picked for yourself, unfortunately.
I am in a virtual book club with people from college – we’re all over the country now, so we’ve always been virtual. What we do is the leader will collect thoughts at the beginning of the year on what people want to read, and then send out a list of books and we vote on it – and then the top four books are the ones we read (we do quarterly for scheduling purposes). We usually do our discussion in an email, where the leader sends out questions to the group and everyone responds in different colors, and sometimes will respond to the question or to comments other people have made. Could you maybe try again with your friend group for a model more like this? It might be easier, and if you’re shy, maybe writing out your answers will be an easier way to participate in the discussions.
I agree with the other suggestion above about Goodreads – I like reading and responding to comments there – and it allows you to only discuss the books you are interested in reading, but it isn’t a club, per se.
Carmen Sandiego
I wanted to add on to this to say – my first sentence came out a little wrong. You do have to sometimes read books you wouldn’t choose for yourself (and I said “unfortunately”) but sometimes that can be a good thing – and I have enjoyed books I wouldn’t have chosen normally. So you can also choose to look at it as a positive thing to read something that wouldn’t be your norm.
Anonymous
Are there any independent bookstores near you that might sponsor clubs?
Sloan Sabbith
I like bookstagram on Instagram for this because I am not sure about book clubs for the reasons others list- I read based on what I feel like and I don’t like reading books I don’t feel like reading when I start. But I get great recommendations, discussions, etc from other readers on insta!
CHS
I think you have to do some trial and error to find the right one. I found a wonderful one this year just in my neighborhood, with people I didn’t know well before we did the book club. Eight people (so not too big), everyone submitted 4 books they wanted to read this year that fit into 4 categories (fiction, nonfiction, etc.), a poll was created where we voted, then a book was assigned for each month of the year. It was nice because you were basically guaranteed to get at least a couple of books that you’d recommended. People took turns leading the discussion, which was also nice. So I’d recommend jumping in to one or two to test the waters. Good luck!
The Lone Ranger
Does your library sponsor any book clubs? Our system has several, they meet in person at different branches (mystery, best seller, nonfiction, history,etc) and have been meeting online since the Covid restrictions began. They also have a Facebook based Sunday night book chat that ranges over all types of books.
Anonymous
I’d be interested in one by email too.
Anon
I would be totally open to joining a corporette one if someone else organized it, and if it was via email and video. There was one on goodreads briefly but sadly it never really got off the ground, and I no longer use social media (so I wouldn’t do another goodreads one or one on FB).
Anon Probate Atty
I would also join a Corporette book club. I have been wanting to join another book club, as I used to be in one back in Atlanta and I miss it.
Carmen Sandiego
I would also be interested!
Jo March
I would also be interested (which is probably obvious from post, ha). But I don’t have the bandwidth to the organizing.
Jo March
Thanks all for the suggestions! I am open to discovering new books I might not have chosen for myself, I just meant that I don’t want to reread books I’ve already read or feel obligated to read books that I’ve tried to read and given up or know are definitely not for me (ex: fantasy genre).
Thanks for the bookstore suggestion! I found a bookstore that is too far from me for in-person meeting, but their book club has gone virtual until further notice. The book list is already available and I’m interested in 5 of the 6 next books! I think I’ll try that for now, and see what happens once things open back up to the point that I feel comfortable with an in person book club.
Anon
You all are incredible! Thank you for the insight. I’m in VA. They’re not bad people but I had visibly disagreed with the CEO, and it’s a parochial place where family members are hired and the coronavirus is referred to as “the flu”. The business has been hit hard by the pandemic. I know they paid severance to others in the past, but refused to provide a reason for termination. My performance and conduct shouldn’t be in question (and if so, hasn’t been brought up to me). I’ve gotten all documentation including pay stubs…the refusal to provide any reasoning is questionable, especially as future referrals and employment verifications go. I’m so appreciative of the insight. Thank you!
Anon
This is why I will never in my life work for another family owned business. Those types of people don’t know how to work with others.
Washing masks
I know you are supposed to launder masks that you wear daily and not let it sit wet, but is that true for masks that only get worn for like <1 hour every few days? I only go out 2-3 times a week and the mask gets worn for anything from 30-60 minutes plus maybe some 5 minute walks to the mailbox. I generally put them on a shelf afterwards and let them dry off over many hours and I rotate between 2-3 of them. Maybe I should launder them once every 2 weeks or something?
Ribena
I think of my mask like a less stinky sports bra – I wear it only once before I wash it, but it can sit in my laundry basket or the zipped pocket on my grocery bag for a while before washing if need be. I have three, only need them weekly, and do laundry more than once a week, so YMMV. (Forgot to take one out with me yesterday and had to pop into the corner shop on my afternoon walk and felt terrible about it).
Anonymous
If I wear a mask just to pop out to the mailbox down the street, then yeah, I’d probably wear that mask again. If I go a bit further to the corner store though, I’d probably toss the mask in the hamper. But I have a bunch of masks, more than I generally need in a given week, so I don’t mind churning through them and then hand washing a bunch at a time when necessary,
Cat
Similar use pattern here. I just let mine air out next to a window. On the off chance there is a virus particle on them, it will die shortly. I haven’t needed to wash mine yet as I also have a few that I’m rotating, guessing I’ll wash every 2-3 weeks.
Anonymous
Mine stay in my car parked in the sun where it gets hot enough to kill small children / pets. I am guessing that for brief wears in stores, it is sufficient to launder periodically. I guess the risk of error is on me re-getting my own germs, but I’m not really concerned. Given how long this may last, I am trying to not over-launder.
Anonymous
I have 2 masks and only wash them 1-2 a week. Right now they are only worn for about an hour a day. I am pretty sure I have seen some advice that you don’t really need to wash daily, but don’t remember where.
Senior Attorney
I got a bunch and toss ’em in the wash at the end of the day.
Anon
Any thoughts on good local food gifts for delivery in Atlanta? A friend’s birthday is coming up and I’d like to send her something.
SmallLawAtl
I’ve not tried this personally, but I keep seeing the most yummy-looking ads in my Instagram feed for Saint Germain French Bakery in Ponce City Market. Free delivery.
Anon
It’s not local in the sense of being original to Atlanta, but Georgetown Cupcakes are delicious and deliver for $10.
Anon
https://www.whiteoakpastures.com/giftpack/gift-packs-and-samplers.asp
AnonATL
There are some really great pie shops around town (I’m a big fan of pie over cake). Southern Baked Pie is a well-known one. If your friend is up near the northwest suburbs by me, Pie Bar is crazy good. Their key lime is awesome. Can also attest that the Peanut butter cream is an amazingly decadent thing if you are a Reese’s fan.
ATLsweettooth
Sublime Donuts or Nothing Bundt Cake are both delicious!
AnonATL
Oh man I miss sublime. We had them at our rehearsal dinner when we lived in town still. Mmmmmm donuts
Anon for this one
Y’all my firm is completely failing at social distancing. No one wears a mask, which I’ve accepted, but now partners are starting to schedule large (and mandatory) in-person meetings again. I’m relatively junior and not in a position to make a lot of waves, but it’s getting harder and harder to keep my head down and avoid close personal interaction. 6-foot social distancing is literally impossible when people are packed around conference room tables in an enclosed space.
Are other workplaces doing this now too? Everyone is acting like this is normal, and I’m starting to feel like I’m just being paranoid.
Anon
My firm is 100% onsite but still encouraging social distancing, staff on rotation, banning large meetings and requiring masks for in-person meetings. But it’s the clients who want the big meetings without masks, and clients rule, so I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place where my firm is coming down on me for violating rules and the client is pissed because we don’t like to schedule big meetings. I wish the investors would require the finance people to follow social distancing measures. Or something.
Anon
Does your state have reopening guidance that business have to follow? That’s how I’d push back. I’m still under a stay at home order. When we were discussing future reopening plans we completely forgot about some of the rules. Someone reminded us and we were quick to make sure we complied.
Anon for this one
No, unfortunately my state never even had an actual state-at-home order.
Anon
There was another thread that I started about this same type of issue but it’s since disappeared. Not sure why it got reported or if it was a mistake or what, but yeah, it’s happening and it’s crazy.
Dyson Hair Dryer
My Dyson Air Wrap is making fuzzy sounds when I try to turn it on. Anyone have similar issues? It’s only been a little more than a year, and I’m debating whether to call the department store where I got it.
Anon
I think I know the answer but….
I have a friend, S. He’s generally a pretty good guy, but he’s immature in the way late 20s men are- self interested, wants to play video games, doesn’t really like committing to anything, ever. He has a serious bromance with his best friend who he tries to bring to everything. I don’t mind best friend but S kept inviting him without telling me until I asked him to at least ask me beforehand. His GF and I are also close.
I’ve had a conversation with S previously about that it’s frustrating he leaves plans open and there’s never certainty about what the plan is to hang out or if we are even meeting. He’s a LOT like the no plans guy in this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyE3Pyr__ps
I’ve told him this doesn’t work for me and doesn’t feel great and he agreed to try to do better and male plans and keep them. I believed him. It seemed like he understood. We’ve had other similar conversations in the past.
Last week, he had said he and a friend would come over for (socially distant) drinks in my parents’ backyard (living with them during the pandemic, 400 miles away from my home city) after they bought a used car a few miles away. A few days before, I checked in and he said “Oh, sorry, friend has to be to work at 7 the next morning so we have to leave.” I said “OK, how about lunch on your way out of town.” He said “That should work.” Morning if I messaged him early asking what their plans were. He said at about 11 AM “picking up car then lunch.” I said almost immediately “OK, with me?” No response.
Finally, at 3:30 PM I get a text “no, we had to get back!” I wasn’t very happy because dude, it’s 3:30 pm. You couldn’t have taken 30 seconds at 11 to say “Sorry- doesn’t look like timing will work” or something? And instead wait until far past lunch time? And don’t even have the decency to say “sorry I didn’t get back to you earlier”?
I messaged him a day later and told him I was hurt that he didn’t tell me any earlier and that it felt like he didn’t value my time. I also said that I was unhappy we’ve had this convo before and nothing changed. He said “I’m sorry but I tried to tell you what I knew when I knew it. I suppose that’s not enough.” I said “Alright.”
We haven’t spoken since. I haven’t reached out and don’t plan to. It’s been about 5 days. I’m thinking it may be time to just, for lack of a better term, DTMFA/JSFAMO. Yes?
Anon
Is this a potential relationship or a platonic friend? Either way, I’d stop trying to make plans with this guy. He’s sending you a strong message that he doesn’t value you or your time. No need to try to discuss it with him further, just move on.
Monday
Hooo yes. Forget this “friend;” he’s super rude and inconsiderate.
anonshmanon
yep, time to move on. I’m sorry, that dude sounds annoying.
Anonymous
Not sure from your post if this is someone you’d like something romantic with, but not all 20 something guys are like this, so yes, JSFAMO at this point and raise your standards.
Anon
Are you “seeing” him, or is he just a friend? Or is he a friend that you are interested in dating? I get the sense that you want more from this friendship and maybe he doesn’t know how to let you down easy, so flaking is just easier than having a hard conversation about why he’s not into you. Sorry, I know that is probably not what you want to hear…
Cat
IF this were the first time you’d encountered the problem I’d perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt once. From his perspective – “hey I said it “should” work, that means that if I’m able to have lunch I’ll let her know, but if not no biggie.” Man child behavior but ok, let’s see if he can improve.
But — the fact he’s done this repeatedly despite actually talking about it? Nope nope nope.
Anonymous
Yeah stop trying so hard to hang out with this guy. He doesn’t care about you or reciprocate the interest.
This is how I behave when I have a crush on a guy. Ya gotta recognize it and stop it.
Anon
You say he has a GF and you’re close with her so I don’t imagine you’re trying to get with this friend. So if it really just is a guy friend, let it go. Let him reach out if he wants — he likely won’t. Most guys just aren’t good with female friends. They’re ok hanging with dudes like them because everything is planned around video games or last min drinks with whoever is around and sports. And they’re different with gfs because they know if they don’t plan dates or something they’ll get dumped. So then they spend no energy at all on female friends — whatever energy they have goes to a gf and then a wife so if you’re not one of those, it’ll be hard to maintain a friendship unless what you seek is a couples friendship where the two gfs/wives plan everything and the guys just show up.
Anon
This is all very true.
Thanks, all. Was pretty sure, and it sucks because he’s fun to hang with, but I’m tired of making the effort for him to not put a second of thought into anything.
Anon
Your instincts are correct. He is a jerk.
Anon
Thanks, all. To answer the multiple questions: absolutely, totally, 100% platonic. Not “friend,” just friend. He has a long term GF that’s one of my close friends and also, he’s a terrible partner who can’t commit to save his life who I would hate dating with a passion because he’s a child.
Anon
If you were interested in friendship only (because this trait may kill you in a relationship), I would change how you make plans with him instead of just cutting him off. Instead of being a close friend that you see one on one, he seems like the kind of friend that you invite to a larger group hang where it’s not going to bother you if he shows or not. Meeting a big group of friends at happy hour? Hosting a picnic? Invite him – if he comes great, if not no sweat.
But I would never make plans that depend on him being reliable, because he’s probably never going to be
Amber
This sounds like it is worth a try. Also if you are friends with his girlfriend, maybe try making plans through her (would have to include her obviously). Good luck!
Anon
Unfortunately she lives in another country or I would, because I can actually count on her.
Anon
You come across here as more invested in the friendship than he is. It seems you’ve even had a “relationship” talk with him, which I would say would be most appropriate for a romantic relationship, family relationship, or mayyyybe the closest, closest friends. It doesn’t sound like he regards you to be in any of those groups. Sorry.
I also question why you threw in the bromance thing. Is it because you were his primary friend before bro came along?
Either way, he’s made it clear that he views your friendship as much more casual than you do. It’s probably best to move on.
Ugh
Vent: I’m upset. This spring, I was accepted to my dream school for a 1-year LLM program in the US. Today, they announced that they will be fully online, without offering F-1 visas (apparently it’s a conditipn of the student visa that only one class can be done remoty) or even the possibility of entering the US for awhile on a tourist visa for the duration of the studies because it is online.
As a non-US citizen I can literally take the classes anywhere in the world except the US, but time differences make it difficult to participate in classes real-time. I’m stumped.
Given the turmoils I had fully expected to take classes partially online but also expected be able to stay in the US, since the school kept telling us that our enrollment would be deferred unless we arrive on campus for the fall start date (a requirement for foreigners). I had applied for housing in the US, given notice at my job, and terminated my lease in my home country based on what looks like intentionally vague information from the school, and feel resentful even before starting the program.
This also screws with eligibility for the NY bar, and eligibility for post-program training visa under the current regulations, and no clarity is likely to be provided anytime soon. I feel terrible spending 100k to take what are basically online classes, and a lot of us feel like we were cheated out of the chance to select other schools – who were providing more clarity and many more options considering the visa and bar requirements – by the school’s ambiguous stance which it only clarified after all the deadlines for acceptance at other schools had lapsed.
I’m from a developing country and a significant outside funding that cannot be deferred (and which might be complicated by not being able to physically get to the US) means that I will probably need to stick with the program no matter what, but the entire cohort is already disgruntled. Other law school students are actually mourning for us and our futures, many of whom are from third world countries, since the school appears to so callously disregard any concerns for the very nasic conditions for employment. (I skip over the painful details of the completely useless letters the school sent in response to multiple group letters asking for some clarity into their plans.)
I recognize that the times are difficult (oh if I had a dime for every time this has been mentioned by the school) and public health comes first, and this probably sounds entitled whining in these bleak times, but it’s the lack of communication or any consideration (basically no option to defer based on online classes, no option to start in spring, no option for recorded classes) that has us feeling collectively helpless. And I’m disapointed as I was hoping to get some international experience. I know LLMs are cash cows for law schools but it really feels like the school spelled it out before the program has even started. I’m trying to keep things in perspective, and I know there are much bigger problems, but I have been looking forward to this since I was a young student and I’m obviously having a hard time.
Ugh
This is terrible, I’m so sorry. It’s a long shot, but you might reach out to the other schools to see if there’s any leeway in entering their program. I know deadlines are deadlines but it really does never hurt to ask, especially when you have a legitimate explanation that is in no way your fault.
Anonymous
Contact the admissions office at any other programs to which you were admitted but deferred or you turned down. Do it right away. Many schools are now scrambling for students and would be delighted to have you.
Anon
Definitely agree with this. I work with law schools, and students are withdrawing due to all the uncertainty. Act quickly and contact the schools you’re interested in.
Jules
This is a huge disappointment, and of course you’re having a hard time! Whenever I get frustrated at something in my life being closed or cancelled due to COVID (my favorite Friday night dance spot, an annual conference that is both meaningful and fun), I try to remember that there are people – like you – who have had to give up or change much more significant things in their lives. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Anon
this sounds so so disappointing! i would feel the same way if I was you. And it is so frustrating that they were so vague and did such a poor job communicating their plans. I am so sorry that you will not get to have the experience that you were hoping for. Just because there are other things going on in the world, you have the right to be disappointed
Anonymous
For any law firm partners in the position to be sending these emails, just a PSA that it is really tone-deaf to send multiple emails a day that there is no excuse to have a billing shortfall at this time, despite (gestures widely) alllll of thissss. Than you for coming to my TED talk. I want to scream.
Anon
Ugh, that’s terrible.
Anon
I think we need a “bad company behavior” shame thread just for cathartic purposes.
Marie
I am sorry that happened. I said it yesterday and I will probably say so many more times, but this profession has to do better by its people. I am so over this idea perpetuated by law firms that being human is fine for everyone else except lawyers. It’s absurd, unfair, and untenable. My firm is actually getting this situation right (for the most part), but I have seen so many comments like yours about firms being inflexible and insensitive lately and my first job was at another firm where an e-mail like that would have been entirely expected.
Anonymous
Thank you. I am not a POC and don’t want to compare my stress to what I might imagine being a POC this week is like, but it has been emotionally exhausting nonetheless. My city (and neighborhood) is an epicenter of looting and riots, a Covid hotspot, I have very little work due to courts being closed, and yet I feel guilty and like I should be doing more. It’s exhausting.
Anon
Is it unacceptable to push back in Biglaw?
Marie
I will let the OP respond because I have never worked in BigLaw. I currently work in a mid-sized firm that does a decent job by law firm standards of treating its employees well. My previous job was at a small firm, where any push back was entirely unacceptable, full stop. Firm culture varies, like anywhere, but the law as a whole seems to foster an idea that there is no excuse not to be a maximum productivity every single day, despite the fact that life happens and it happens to everyone at one point or another.
Anonymous
OP here, it would definitely not be acceptable at my firm. Luckily I don’t think there are any actual consequences being dealt out to people (like me) who are super behind, other than not getting our bonus if its not made up and probably no or minimal raise next year, but the messaging alone makes the problem worse for me because I have a hard time being productive when my baseline anxiety is so high :(
anonymous
I was thinking about this this morning. It’s just this idea that permeates– you are not a human being, you are a unit that exists to serve the client, no matter how unreasonable or pointless the demand, or how low your reserves are. I’ve been thinking about this a ton since we began WFH and work has slowed down. I do work for a midsized “lifestyle” firm, but we still have high billing requirements and when the work needs to get done, it needs to get done. I also did a few years in big law. (“There’s 24 hours in a day!”) When I first joined my current firm the partners were more respectful of not overloading the associates with work but there’s been a gradual shift in firm culture away from this. I’ve spent year after year just slammed and trying to dig through a mountain of work that just kept growing, slowly getting more and more unhappy because I felt like I had to prioritize work over almost anything else, and that hours were the be all end all of my value. I am so much happier now that I’m working 2/3 of what I normally do simply because of covid and I get a knot in my stomach every time I think about things getting back to normal.
Anon
Wow. I’m so glad I’m not in Big Law any more.
Anon Probate Atty
Sorry that your partners are such d*cks.
Anon
I’m so over covid and my paranoia of it as well as apartment life even though I’ve normally loved apt life. I’m higher risk (cardiac, age 40) so it’s not just paranoia but I feel like I’m constantly second guessing still while it seems like others even people who are age 65+ are kind of moving on — not that they’re attending parties or going to indoor restaurants but having their children and grandkids visit them/move in with them (so no distance), visiting their kids’ homes, I have an aunt who has started a delayed construction project inside her home etc.
Had posted earlier where building people need to come into my 1 bed to turn on something with the AC system and change the filter so the AC can be in use; all work in an utility closet + a panel in the living room. All here agreed and it was my inclination that it was NBD esp since they wear a mask and it takes 5 min, you can go to your bedroom etc. Then on Tues night we get an email saying an employee has tested positive and was at work as late as Monday. They understandably can’t tell us who/what job (privacy laws) but I got nervous and canceled because who knows if that person is coworkers with the maintenance group and was at work with them as late as the day before. Apparently I wasn’t the only one as the building said a fair number of people canceled and they’ve said it’s fine, just call when you’re ready and they can schedule it. I suspect that’s safer anyway because they aren’t going apt to apt interacting with people all in one day, instead they are servicing just the apts that ask for it that particular day.
And yet this NEEDS to be done. It’s already hot here in an apt with windows that open 6 inches max and it’s not about to go back down to the 70s. My thought is ask for it to be done mid next week as it’s also my grocery shopping time as kind of get all the exposures done in one day? But that would be about 11 days after that person’s last day at work not 14. Plus I feel like this building must think I’m nuts. The guy at the front desk is probably 25 and he handles scheduling these things; you can already tell he thinks I’m crazy. I have these visions of scheduling for next Thurs and then we hear of another exposure and then what . . . cancel again?? Or just assume that it’s still ok for someone to come in who is the coworker of someone who has tested positive but the person coming in wearing a mask for 5 min it’s still low risk?? WWYD? I’m so tired of thinking so hard about daily life.
The Lone Ranger
I get it. I’m over 60 but high risk from a pulmonary condition. I feel like I don’t have the information to properly assess risk for various activities at this point. I’m not in a hot spot, I can work from home and be effective, my bosses are great about it. My state is going into phase 2, and my county has a few additional restrictions on top of that, but I feel like everyone has moved on except me.
Serafina
I’m glad you are over the paranoia! It does sound scary that an employee in the apartment tested positive though – I’ve still been grocery shopping regularly, hiking etc and that would rattle me too. A few thoughts in case it helps:
1) The majority of cases see symptoms within 5-7 days; 14 days is just the long tail to be completely safe. So waiting 11 days is already pretty safe – it would be like 96% of cases would show symptoms in 11 days vs 99% in 14 days (made up numbers, but should be directionally right, you can probably look up the actual numbers from studies).
2) Transmission seems to be from prolonged indoor contact. I saw a study where a grocery worker was diagnosed and they traced 500+ customers and other grocery employees. Several other grocery workers were also diagnosed but no customers were. There are also cases where family members had it and didn’t transmit to other family members. I think 5 min in the same apartment is less contact than either of those.
If I I were you, I’d schedule for 5+ days out, stay in your bedroom during, and try not to worry too much :)
Eek
This may sound silly, but will they let you just change the filter yourself? It isn’t that hard. They could either leave one outside the door or you could pick one up.