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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This soft t-shirt dress looks like a perfect WFH or weekend outfit. I like the drawstring at the waist that gives it a bit of shape without having to add a belt. The simplicity of a dress like this is what makes it so appealing, so I would probably pair it with a small pendant and some sandals.
The dress is $41.70, marked down from $69.50, and available in sizes XS–XL (but do note that some reviewers say it runs a bit small). Signature Softblend Drawstring Pocket Tee Dress
Psst: New York Magazine is on sale today for $2 a month for digital access, or $20 for the year — considering it's normally $5 a month those are great savings! We're big fans of The Cut, The Strategist, Intelligencer, Vulture, Grub Street and more — lots of great reporting.
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
I’d like to book a cottage in Ontario for a week in August (preferably next to a lake). Are there any rentals that you recommend?
anon
Are you in Canada now? US citizens not allowed to go to Canada and this has impacted US owners of cottages in Canada.
Anon
So long as you are a Canadian Citizen and actually legally allowed to be here without causing a public health hazard. I’m personally a big fan of either the Muskokas or Prince Edward County for these purposes.
Anon
Please don’t bring your US corona into Canada.
Cat
This is a super rude comment making a lot of assumptions.
hi hi hi
I think it’s a completely fair comment to make. Americans (including my American behind) need to stay home.
anon
+1. Stop traveling across state (or country) lines, people.
Anon
nah.
Anon
Highly disagree. It’s fair, clear, and necessary.
Another Anon
It’s actually a huge problem and Canadians have been actively reporting Americans to LE who have been sneaking into Canada to vacation against the travel directory.
Cat
For all we know, the OP is Canadian? Who in the US thinks that an international vacation is feasible right now?
Anon
There are a helluva lot of people in the U.S. who see no reason to alter their vacation plans. That is why our pandemic is out of control.
Anon
I know it hurts y’all’s feelings that we Americans are not welcome everywhere with open arms because we’re just so damned exceptional, but we’re not.
The EU doesn’t want us. Canada is well within their rights not to want us either.
Anon
Wow. I’m Canadian, but I apologize on behalf of all Canadians for this comment.
anon
Lol that’s so Canadian of you but seriously no offense taken — we Americans shouldn’t be taking our corona anywhere.
Anonymous
Please don’t assume you can speak for all Canadians. I am a Canadian living and I have sacrificed the last 4 months to get this virus under control, as have most Canadians. Yesterday we had less than 400 cases in a country of 37 million. Am I proud of our collective work? Yes. Do I think we are in a very precarious position? Yes. I know things can change quickly. I fully support keeping the borders closed to non essential travel until the US is in a similar or better position. Maybe then, the US won’t want to open the borders. I’m fine with that too.
Anonymous
OMG Of course she is Canadian. Why would any American who has the whole amazing USA to vacation in want to go to a cabin in Ontario of all places. Chill people.
hi hi hi
Live in Chicago. Grew up in Indiana and Michigan (Detroit suburbs). Lots and lots and lots of Americans go to Ontario during the summer. Many own cabins. It’s a very easy drive from these states.
Anon
Wow, rude much? Tons of Americans go to Canada to vacation at cottages.
Anon
This one. I would love to be able to return to my family’s cottage on the shore of Lake Huron –alas Ontario Hydro confiscated all the homes near their 12-reactor nuclear power plant. My Shangri-La.
Anon
Your “whole amazing USA” is burning.
Never too many shoes...
How big of a cottage are you thinking about? I have a couple of recommendations depending on size and whether you want really rural or more closer to a town.
Anon
Thanks! Just a small cottage for my mom and I, preferably not too far from a canoe rental place.
Anonymous
I vacation at Stoney Lake in Ontario. It’s great. No particular cottage recommendations (we own), but check out the lake.
Never too many shoes...
I love Stoney Lake!
Anon
Interesting, thanks! I was thinking Algonquin Park, but all the cottages I looked at are either for 10 ppl or booked already.
Waffles
This is definitely a problem in Ontario. I have looked for a rental for my husband and I in previous years, and almost all of the rentals are huge. Why not look at a resort hotel like Deerhurst?
Never too many shoes...
I was coming back to say all the places I know are a good bit bigger than what you are talking about. Hope you find something suitable (although I know there is a real lack of openings right now).
ESG Roles
Does anyone know how to make one’s way into ESG roles (Environmental, Social, and Corporste Governance)? Is this just a function of compliance or in-hoise legal teams?
Current transactional midlevel lawyer in Biglaw looking to transition out, but the thought of writing contracts for another 30 years brings tears (NOT of the joyous kind) to my eyes. I’ve been stalking the clients I know who have these roles at Private Equity funds, but they all seem to have multiple years of service in public service under their belt — wondering if there is a way in for the stray biglaw associate like me.
Ribena
Yes! I’m in ESG from the investment side. Joining a local Women in Sustainability network or similar might help – I know there are lawyers who work on ESG matters in our local chapter.
If you’re on insta I’m @lilymwrites there and happy to chat in DMs.
E
Finally, a thread about careers on the Corporette site! I don’t have a lot of advice for you, OP, but the BigLaw patina can help open some doors. For example, Amazon recruiting LOVES BigLaw. I think you’d be able to find a position in house just fine–just be aware it’s a huge culture shift to go in-house (I’ve done both in-house and private practice, and prefer the latter, but YMMV). Good luck!
ESG
I work with a number of ESG professionals in my role. Some come at it from the investment side of the world, but for a firm with a serious program there will also be lawyers and compliance professionals involved with ensuring the fund is sticking to its mandate. There is a good amount of interest in joining the field so I’d try to get some experience on relevant projects at your firm or look into training programs. CAIA has a fundamentals of ESG course and I believe CFA does as well. Given that everything is virtual, it’s likely also easier to attend ESG conferences and webinars to get up to speed.
Ribena
The CFA definitely has an ESG certificate… I have a copy of the textbook for it sitting on my desk staring at me right now.
And yes – I am constantly talking to risk and compliance colleagues as well as both in house and external legal support about all the aspects of our ESG work. (I’m specifically working on investment stewardship and there are some incredibly thorny conflicts of interest to manage).
katy
Does your work translate well into banking sector? HUGE focus for all those institutions – definitely hiring right now (environmental in particular, but all aspects too). ESG can mean so many different things – is it GHG? diversity and inclusion policies? board structure and governance. .
I work for an energy company, as such, our focus is primarily on environmental compliance. Although we are trying to change the narrative to a more holistic approach. YES, the energy we extract is burned, producing GHGs; however, an instantaneous transition to renewables is not feasible, so let’s develop as responsibly as possible. (No Flaring, stringent water regulations, fair labour practices, a price on carbon, working with indigenous communities, etc. etc.)
ESG disclosure has grown up in the regulatory team (so regulatory angle might make sense for pursing jobs), though strategy is developed via executive team. I am in planning (finance background) and am the liaison between the two.
Anon
Out of curiosity I’ve started going to Fox News to see what the headlines are. The first headline says “Dire Warning” and goes onto say that if Dems win in 2020, Republicans may never win again….I’m scared for November.
Anonymous
Same. I remember the posts on this site saying that Trump would never win the nomination and then that he would never beat HRC. I’m worried we are making the same mistakes this time around. I’m worried that if people think Biden is a shoo-in they won’t turn out to vote, especially with the pandemic ongoing.
Anon
I am very worried about this too. I have learned time and time again that I live in an echo chamber and am always surprised. Trying not to be.
Anon
Wait. Not trying to correct you. Trying to see if I have been spelling it wrong in my head this whole time. Is it shoe-in or shoo-in???
Before LMGTFY comes along. I got my answer. It IS shoo-in!!
https://brians.wsu.edu/2016/05/31/shoe-in/#:~:text=This%20expression%20purportedly%20comes%20from,in%E2%80%9D%20is%20a%20common%20misspelling.
Anon
There have also been plenty of posts saying that Democrats are being myopic again and that Trump is actually going to win. I have posted that here myself, but I’m now cautiously optimistic because of this crisis and the impact it may be having on suburban voters at the same time that many are starting to feel more sympathetic and interested in racial equality. Biden is polling well in important states and Trump shows no latent signs of leadership skills. I think it’s possible that the sight of the morgue trucks piled up outside Florida retirement communities is not going to be that appealing to the moderate Republican crowd.
Anon
I agree. I also think that if Trump had done a half-decent job on the pandemic (early masking, discouraging early reopening, showing sympathy to victims) he WOULD be a shoo-in (unfortunately). He has mishandled this badly in the name of aiding his reelection, but so far he has also done a lot of damage to himself. However I am concerned that Biden’s lead in the polls is illusory, especially given the long time frame before November.
Anonymous
Agree. We need to think of Biden’s win as possible not probable until it actually happens. Complacency will keep people home and lead to Trump having a shot especially if they ramp up the fear mongering around court appointments.
Anonymous
IDK — I think we had a trifecta of Memorial Day weekend, many states moving into a light reopening phase, and the protests all at the same time. In hindsight, economically there was a push to reopen for a big spending weekend, but that + travel + large crowds + warmer weather was just going to double-down on our misery. I think after that people were done and the #s show it.
Aunt Jamesina
YES. All he had to do was something, anything to pretend to be presidential and push for any sort of response, and moderate Republicans who are now on the fence would have probably voted him back in.
I’m also very cautious given that November is four months away from now. Four months ago was March, which feels like another lifetime. We’ve got a road ahead of us.
anonshmanon
so true. I remember at the start of the pandemic how all the pundits were analyzing his ‘disaster poll bump’, how national disasters always work in favor of an incumbent, how his bump isn’t as large as other leaders (intl’ or past US), and how good crisis management could secure his second term. Haven’t heard anything on that in months.
Anonymous
I’m cautiously optimistic about Biden but 100+ days is a LONG time. I THINK people have learned their lesson about not voting but we won’t know until results are in. Maybe it’s too soon but I feel like people/orgs need to start messaging — it’s still close, you must vote, look into absentee/mail in etc.
Anon
I will not be astonished if the pandemic is suddenly taken seriously again just in time to affect turnout, which makes everything feel harder to predict.
Anon
I know logic is telling me to help, but I just can’t bring myself to help Biden’s campaign. Not a Trump voter here. But after hearing the Tara Reade allegations (unfortunately I read them in depth only after Boden was the confirmed Democratic nominee), it seemed very believable to me. I can see a man like Biden getting away with sexual assault like that. In a weird way, the stuff he is accused of doing, I don’t see Bloomberg doing. Bloomberg has joked about some women being ugly lesbians, but he strikes me as the kind of man who would make crass jokes about women but protect your job when you come back from maternity leave, and certainly not engage in assault. Whereas Biden seems like the kind of hypocrite who calls himself a male feminist but would throw you under the bus when you come back from maternity leave. I met Mitt Romney when I was a college freshman, and I still recall the creepy way he leered at me at a special meet and greet event. I had a good impression of him until then. Another seemingly woke man who gave me the creeps in person. Biden kind of reminds me of him. I signed up for Biden’s campaign but I’m feeling so dirty and unmotivated to help him. Logic is telling me to help Biden, but I just can’t …bring myself to. I wish I had learned about Tara Reader earlier, and that Bloomberg had been the Democrats’ choice for a moderate. As a moderate, I also feel a silent rage at the hypocrisy of the liberal media outlets that kept silent about Reade but screamed and shouted about Kavanaugh’s accuser. If I had heard more about Reade earlier, I would not have written Bloomberg off so early.
Anonymous
umm…. what are you talking about? The nominee is Biden. The choices are Biden or Trump. That’s it. Romney and Bloomberg are not running. Even if you think Biden did what Reade claims, how is he still not the much better choice than Trump? On like every metric including number and severity of s.a. claims?
I mean I wish our choices didn’t involve choosing the less rapey old white guy but welcome to 2020.
Anon
+1. Whatever serious issue you have with Biden, do you think Trump 2020 is better? This is a serious question, not a glib one.
Anon
+1. Whatever serious issue you have with Biden, do you think Trump 2020 is better? This is a serious question, not a glib one.
Anonymous
Right – so if you can’t bring yourself to vote for Biden then you are helping Trump win. That’s reality. You can tell yourself you didn’t vote for Trump but you didn’t vote against him either. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t actively participate in voting Trump out. Trump is straight up evil on so many metrics in a way that Biden just is not.
anon
Oh you “can’t” bring yourself to vote for Biden? What do you think is going to happen, then? You’re not just voting for some awful white man, you’re voting for the person who is going to shape the federal courts for the next 4 years (pop quiz, guess who is in the hospital right now for liver cancer? Answer: Ruth Bader Ginsburg). I just truly don’t understand this logic. What on earth do you gain by sitting out? All you’re doing is risking being stuck with an option that is far worse, not only because he is a worse, r@pier human, but also because his administration is going to continue implementing horrible policies– policies that will directly affect women and also policies that will make it more difficult to implement the positive changes that you want to see. And for what?
Aunt Jamesina
This election is an existential turning point for our country. Vote Trump out.
Anonymous
I’m just worried about people getting to the polls or mail in votes working. So, turnout, mostly.
Anonymous
I’m feeling really anxious lately and could do with a new book series to get lost in. I love everything by Robin Hobb so looking for similar authors. I do like YA but I’m not really looking for something post apocalyptic. Ideally one with a few books in the serious already. I also really liked a Discovery of a Witches series so something like that would be good too. Thanks in advance!
Korvapuusti
I also love Robin Hobb! Other first books in series you might enjoy:
– The Bone Doll’s Twin (Lynn Flwelling)
– Name of the Wind (Patrick Rothfuss)
– The Rook (Daniel O’Malley)
– The Goblin Emperor (Katerine Addison) (not a series, but an excellent standalone!)
– The Rise and Fall of D.O.D.O (Neal Stephenson) (another not series, but very long standalone)
I also listen to the podcast SFF Yeah from Book Riot to help build my TBR in this genre, so that might be worth checking out, too.
Anonymous
I loved in the name of the wind so will check these out thanks!
Nesprin
Also, a college of magics by carolyn stevemer, anything by Guy Gabriel Kay and the curse of chalion by Lois McMaster Bujold.
Rebecca
I second Guy Gavriel Kay. Tigana is on my list of all-time favorite books. I would also recommend the Fionovar Tapestry or Lions of al-Rassan.
eertmeert
The Rook is great! Also, Spinning Silver (cant remember authors name, but so good)
And for some light, engaging fantasy/magic-y books I love Mercedes Lackey. Smart, brave female leads having adventures and saving the day. I like the romance-y ones best, since they are lightest and less intense world building.
Georgette Heyer, always.
Anonymous
I loved spinning silver and everything by Mercedes lackey!
anonshmanon
I am really getting into Locke & Key on netflix, based on a series of graphic novels. Mystery and paranormal stuff, but just enough to be captivating, not to give me nightmares.
RW
These aren’t the same vibe as Robin Hobb, but here a couple of fantasy series I enjoyed during during stressful times: The invisible library series by Genevieve Cogman (involves dragons, fae, magic, trying to prevent destruction of worlds all with fun literary references). The paper magician by Charlie Holmerg. I haven’t read it yet, but The Broken Earth trilogy came highly recommended. Hope you can find some good books to help.
Anonymous
Ohh they sound good thanks
Carmen Sandiego
I really, really loved the Daughter of Smoke and Bone series – YA Fantasy.
curlsallday
Second this suggestion. This series is really good.
Also check out:
-Children of Fire and Bone
– The Bone Season (I adore this series.
Carmen Sandiego
Adding now. For Children of Fire and Bone, it isn’t coming up. There is a Children of Fire and Clay, Children of Fire, and Children of Blood and Bone. Is it one of these?
Aunt Jamesina
99% sure that poster meant Children of Blood and Bone, which is a fantastic series.
Carmen Sandiego
Thank you, Aunt Jamesina! Added! (I love book threads!)
curlsallday
Agree and yes that’s what I meant! I need more coffee. The fact that I didn’t close the parentheses in the post is also driving me nuts.
BB
+1 from a fellow Bone Season fan! I haven’t read Priory of the Orange tree yet, but looking forward to it!
Korvapuusti
For me, Priory of the Orange Tree had too much travel and not enough plot, but ymmv.
curlsallday
I read it. Definitely has a different feel and a slower build but I enjoyed it. I also read it prior to switching to my kindle and lets just say….it was a commitment (carrying a huge orange tome around was a great look at the pool last summer).
cbackson
Maggie Stiefvater’s Raven Cycle is awesome and sort of in that vein. Also any Holly Black.
Is it Friday yet?
big +1 for the Raven Cycle. Leigh Bardugo is also great, and the Thief books by Megan Whalen Turner.
Anon
Jonathan Stroud is one of my favorite authors. He wrote the Bartimaeus Trilogy, which is an interesting take on magic and djinn. The POV switches between third person for when you’re following the main child magician, and first person for the snarky djinn, who is an unreliable narrator. He thinks on many levels at a time, which is presented as footnotes. The pacing and footnote digressions are hilarious. There’s now a prequel that’s not quite as good, but still fun. Read that one after the others.
He also wrote the Lockwood series, which doesn’t get as much press as Bartimaeus. London is being plagued by ghosts who can kill or harm if you get in their way. Children and teenagers are the only ones who can sense them. Agencies form to fight the ghosts using children- they’re almost all run by adults. The agencies are like a combination of exterminators and detective agencies. However, the main character, a teenage girl, and two friends run their own rag-tag agency. The children fight the ghosts using tools like silver fencing swords, lavender, and iron chains until they can capture and contain the source of the haunting – some object that the ghost is tied to, which can be their remains or a meaningful object. The books have a series of encounters with different kids of ghosts but there is a big overarching plot in the background of why these ghosts suddenly appeared. It’s really fun and the descriptions of the various hauntings are delightfully creepy.
Both take place in an alternate world London, but they’re not really too far out there from our world.
Aunt Jamesina
V.E. Schwab’s A Darker Shade of Magic series!
BB
Oh man, I LOVE this series! Her new one coming out in September sounds sooo good.
Anonymous
Oh man, I LOVE this series! Her new one coming out in September sounds sooo good.
Aunt Jamesina
Way cool!
Aft
Leigh Bardugo writes really good YA fantasy. I’d start with her Shadow and Bone series, and then go into the Six of Crows series. She has 7-8 books in that universe so far.
OBGYNs in NYC
Just found out I’m pregnant (after months of trying) so very excited! But also a little confused about how to go about finding an OBGYN…I live in NYC, none of my friends have gone through this, and don’t want to ask any of my work colleagues. Anyone have recommendations, first hand experiences, or just general tips for a first time mother-to-be? I’ve been told to first figure out which hospital I want to deliver at since doctors are affiliated with each hospital…but I have no idea how to evaluate which one is better. TIA for any advice!
Anon
No knowledge on this, but congrats!
If your GYN doesn’t do OB, she might have OBs she regularly works with and can recommend. If you use your PCP as your GYN, same idea still stands.
Anon
My OB is no longer practicing, but FWIW I delivered at NYU and had a great experience.
Anonymous
Congrats! I’m also in NYC and halfway through my first time pregnancy. Most of my friends selected their hospital based on geographic preference (Weil/NYP if on UES or easily accessible to UES, NYU if downtown and Mt Sinai West if on the west side of town). I picked Mt Sinai West because of location and friends with positive experiences. They appear to be “mom/baby friendly” – by which I mean they’re accommodating of different birth positions, doulas, have a range of pain treatment options, a relatively low C section rate etc. Since this is my first pregnancy, picking a hospital with a good reputation and flexible attitude was important to me. From there I picked a random doctor off their website. Have been pleased so far!
Anon
Check out Lexington OBGYN (now CareMount Medical). They are affiliated with Mount Sinai East.
Aunt Jamesina
Do you have a gynecologist you like? I’d start with a referral from her.
Anom
I worked on compromise between the hospital I wanted to deliver in and the location of the OB office. I picked OB office that was convenient to my office. These days would be one close to home… I picked practices that were affiliated with the hospital and that I found by looking on the hospital website. First child was NYU and the NYU maternal-fetal medicine group. At the time I lived in East Village and worked in midtown East. Second kid was Columbia-Presbyterian and I used their midtown west OB-GYN group (lived in Hell’s Kitchen, worked midtown west). Their office was just a block away from my office and it was crazy convenient when I wound up having to go for weekly ultrasounds after week 28. I went to Dr Aubey who was amazing (highly recommend her for bedside manner and competence. She’s conservative in approach but my pregnancy turned out to be high risk and my daughter is healthy now due to her. I still go to her for GYN.). I was nervous bc the hospital was a pretty far distance from my apt (100+ blocks), but having a close OB office was so key – you make the hospital trip 1 or 2 times. The OB office visits are pretty frequent even when you’re not high risk.
anon
Not in NYC, but I was in your boat a few years ago. I think I found a doctor rating site and read a ton of reviews and picked on that way. I had it narrowed down to a hospital so the options weren’t overwhelming.
SmallLawAtl
I disagree with the advice to look first at the hospital and work outwards from there. You will go to the hospital once, maybe twice, if all goes well. You will go to the OB’s office about a thousand times. I would place the OB’s office location at the top of my list of priorities.
Anonymous
In NYC, most women deliver using practices formally affiliated with the hospital which means that the office location and practice tend to be roughly in the same area of the city.
NYCer
+1. And I am in NYC and delivered in NYC! Especially now, I would recommend picking a doctor that is super close to your apartment (assuming WFH). The big private hospitals in NYC are are all roughly equivalent.
Anonymous
Weill Cornell practice at 40 Worth St, if you are downtown or work downtown. On my third pregnancy with them — I love them. Delivered at NYP Presbyterian LoMa and also very happy with that experience.
Anonymous
Princess Beatrice got married in a surprise secret wedding (to avoid crowds and, I would imagine, protests about Andrew) and I’m so excited. Love a royal wedding.
Vicky Austin
OMG! Good.For.Her.
Seventh Sister
I’m delighted for her. As someone who had a Big Wedding (by my non-royal-family standard anyway), it was fun in some ways but I was kind of pushed into it and would have loved to elope. If you are a princess, I’m sure the expectation to have a big to-do is approximately 100000-fold.
Anon
Dang, I wish the world wasn’t insane so we could have a televised royal wedding. I love them so much.
Anonymous
Happy for her that she got married but also a bit sad for her that her Dad being so problematic prevented her from having the wedding she always dreamed of, especially when her sister had such a splashy affair.
Anonymous
Agreed, but isn’t it likely that with corona that a large event would not have happened anyway? So many very important people in one place and elderly relatives just seems like a recipe for disaster. I’d have loved a drunk reception guest taking a swing at her dad though (but out of her line of sight — she shouldn’t have to deal with that at her wedding). I
Anonymous
It’d definitely have to be postponed a couple years but I think one of the benefits of being the public eye your entire life through no choice of your own is that you get to have a full princessy wedding with actual tiaras and horse and carriages. The loss of that is because of her Dad’s situation not Covid (unless she’s pregnant and wanted to marry pre baby).
Senior Attorney
I thought that was a bit of nice news this morning, too.
Kat in VA
I so geeked out when there was an article explaining the significance of the dress and tiara she wore. Just a nice little something to offset all the same horribleness of every day.
Cat
They are also waiting to share pictures until the weekend so as not to overshadow Tom Moore’s knighthood – very sweet.
Flats Only
Now THAT is classy.
Therapy Recs
I am looking for information on the best way to get started with therapy right now. I’m in a hot spot so in person is not going to work. Are the online therapy sites worth it, and if so, which is best? Are there traditional providers who will do zoom calls? I tried googling but the options are overwhelming.
anon
I have heard good things about BetterHelp but have not used them. Yet. I need to.
Vicky Austin
I haven’t tried them all, but I’ve really enjoyed my experience with BetterHelp and made a lot of progress. A warning they gave me at the start was that it would move slower than traditional therapy, and it did. But I’ll take that in exchange for the awesome flexibility any day.
Anon
Traditional providers will do video calls. Doxy is a HIPPA-compliant platform that mine uses for the calls. It’s a little clunky – like if I get a call while we’re talking it freezes – so sometimes she just facetimes me back. I found her in April in our Boston hotspot. I started with psychologytoday. I probably sent out 40 emails and got 3 replies. She’s not a perfect fit for me but it’s something in the interim while there are a smaller number of therapists taking new patients right now, at least in my experience, which is either because they don’t want to take a new patient virtually or they’re just so in demand. and I suspect probably the latter.
Anonymous
My in-person therapist in a hotspot switched to all-Zoom in March and is not going to see anyone in person until at least 2021. I know hunting for a therapist is overwhelming– best wishes.
Anon
I have not been doing well with the social isolation, and I needed to find a new therapist about two months ago. I called up a number of providers in my area and they were all doing zoom appointments. So I just went with the one that I fit the best way
ELS
I started therapy during the pandemic, with a local provider who is doing telemedicine.
If you’ve got insurance that covers therapy, I’d personally try that route, as with my insurance my sessions are infinitely cheaper than with BetterHelp, etc. My particular insurer (Anthem BC/BS) has waived any copays for therapy during the pandemic, as well, so right now my sessions are free.
Anon
I’m doing MDLive, which is covered through my insurance. It connected me to a local therapist who offers video or phone visits. Very helpful for anxiety!
Senior Attorney
Pretty much all therapists have transitioned to online at this point, I think.
I found mine through the Psychology Today therapist finder and thought it was very helpful.
Anon
I found one at a local seminary that also has a graduate school in psychology and marriage/family therapy. The pay schedule is scaled to the level of education the therapist has and what point they’re in the course of their studies (so I’m paying $45 a session!!!). It’s all done via Zoom, and I have had a very positive experience so far. They ask at the very beginning if you want a religious slant to the therapy, which I declined. Hasn’t been any different from the last time I had psychotherapy in that regard.
Anon
It’s Fuller Theological Seminary, in Pasadena, CA.
Anonymous
This is fascinating! Makes total sense – so much of a minister’s role is to minister :-)
pugsnbourbon
Y’all I am feeling low today. Family stuff, Covid anxiety, projects going tits-up. Had to cancel a trip to see my baby nephew because it’s just too risky – I know it’s the right thing to do, but man it sucks.
I know in the grand scheme of things I’ve got it good, I’m just struggling today. If anyone’s got good news to share, or exciting things on the horizon, or just generally wholesome knowledge, I’d love to read about it and cheer up. TIA.
anon
I’m sorry you’re having a rough day; that all sucks. It’s been a rough week for me, too. The upside is that we’ve started having serious talks with 2 other families about buying a lake house together. That would truly be a dream come true. So I am trying to focus on that, rather than my shear panic about everything else.
brokentoe
I actually had the inspection on my dream lake cabin yesterday and will close on 8/10. It has enough small projects and decorating that needs attention to keep me planning and fixating upon to distract me from the real world. And the prospect of spending large chunks of time working from the water and the woods (assuming the satellite internet is sufficient) has made me deliriously happy.
pugsnbourbon
Oh man, that sounds lovely! I hope it works out for the both of you.
Cb
Ugh, that is really tough. Some minor cheer, but I’ve been biking again (and got my bike adjusted per recommendations here) and it is so much fun. I like to go down a road with a ‘your speed is…’ meter, just so I can pretend I’m in the Tour de France (on my hybrid bike with ridiculous wicker basket!)
pugsnbourbon
That sounds really fun – my wife loves getting out on flat country roads and just letting the throttle out!
Clementine
I’m sorry, that sucks.
This morning, my oldest kid and middle kid (4 and 2) were waiting for breakfast while I changed the baby’s diaper. I walked into the room and 4 year old had ‘made breakfast’ for the two of them. They were both sitting there with cheese puffs (a big ‘fun’ treat that I literally buy once a year) and an apple apiece.
I started clearing away the cheese puffs and my 4 year old goes, ‘But MOMMMM. She liked my cooking AND I shared and was kind.’
anon
OMG “she liked my cooking” :D
That is adorable.
Housecounsel
OMG “she liked my cooking” :D
That is adorable.
ArenKay
This is adorable.
Anon
Please tell me you then let them proceed with the cheese puffs :)
Clementine
Based on the orange faces and fingers, they had already eaten quite a few when I started the cleanup.
pugsnbourbon
Too cute. Cheese puffs for breakfast is a-okay by me.
Senior Attorney
And yay for you, for teaching kindness as a value in your home! :)
Anon
Life is short. Eat the cheese puffs.
Housecounsel
I am so sorry. I understand. I don’t know if this knowledge is particularly wholesome, but I have discovered Married at First Sight, and binge-watching it with my daughters is providing a wonderful distraction from the news. We have already determined which of my girls would be most likely to participate and how the rest of us will react.
Anon
I normally hate reality TV….but I secretly have also loved Married at First Sight. I think I accidentally started watching it on a plane ride once. It is so ridiculous.
Anon
Marrying Millions is also binge worthy.
pugsnbourbon
We’ve definitely found some solace in trash TV – we binged Selling Sunset and got waayyy too invested in all their drama. New season drops August 7!
Senior Attorney
Ha! Last weekend we watched, like, 20 episodes of House Hunters International and it was SO GREAT. Turns out every episode is pretty much exactly alike (“oh, this is a nice space!” “I need large American appliances,” “this doesn’t have the European charm I was looking for!”), and also sometimes they repeat realtors. We loved the realtor in Paris with the bright lipstick who was on two episodes.
pugsnbourbon
We LOVE that realtor! She bursts a lot of bubbles Americans have about living in Paris, but she does it so fabulously.
I’d love to see a spinoff about a realtor is who also a marriage counselor, because I think some of the couples really need that!
Senior Attorney
OMG the way some of those couples interact just makes me cringe!
waffles
have you seen the quarantine version? It’s something like comedians watching house hunters (the US version, not international). It is my new favourite show EVER.
Senior Attorney
Wait… what??? OMG I must find this immediately!
Housecounsel
My husband and I always discuss whether the marriages on House Hunters International will make it. I wish there were “where are they now?” episodes!
Anon
Our good news is we bought our hopefully Forever Home and move in next week. During a pandemic.
Now the nuances of moving in a pandemic are making my anxiety spiral out. of. control. (Shout out to my husband who can be harsh but also is being the voice of reason and talking me down from my more extreme rabbit holes), but I know once this is all said and done we will (hopefully) be happy with the outcome.
Anon
Also moving into our hopefully Forever Home and have all the anxiety! Throw in the cherry on top that I am also newly pregnant with our first child :)
pugsnbourbon
Wow! Congrats on both the houses and the baby!
Ribena
Exciting thing that hopefully won’t land me in the hospital… I bought roller skates! Hoping all the barre and yoga workouts I’ve done since the start of quarantine will help.
cat socks
I’m sorry. I hope things get better soon.
I found a YouTube channel called Soothing Relaxation. The music really is relaxing. When I’m getting ready for bed at night, I’ll dim the lights in the bathroom, play one of the videos and pretend I’m in a fancy spa. It’s not a huge thing, but it helps me feel more relaxed before bed.
Anon
Reposting since yesterday hoping for a few more replies, but thank you to those you did reply!
Someone here recommended azelaic acid from the Ordinary as a good product for rosacea. I’m planning to order it to try, but I wanted to ask what other products people recommend to go along with an acid product. I know nothing about skincare and am very low-maintenance, so I’d love a recommendation for a moisturizer or something that can “complete” the regimen for my combination skin with light rosacea. Any tips? I suppose I could also consider something to deal with emerging laugh lines, but really don’t want to overcomplicate things. In case it makes a difference, I shower at night and would be more open to spending time on my skin then than in the morning, which is more rushed. I use La Roche Posay sunscreen and am generally happy with that. I don’t wear make-up.
RW
Cerave PM moisturizer, biossance squalane oil, and Kate sommerville goat milk are my favorites for basic moisture that tend to be calming for my skin.
Anon
I have combination skin and mild rosacea. I use Cerave moisturizing cream day and night. I have tried other products, but this is the one I keep going back to. Sometimes I layer it with the Ordinary’s hyaluronic acid.
Anon
Do you have a link to the Cerave cream?
mascot
Cerave cream https://www.cerave.com/skincare/moisturizers/moisturizing-cream is what I use on my body and my face (normal, but slightly sensitive, middle aged skin, live is a warm humid climate ). It’s moisturzing without being too heavy.
I’ve tried a bunch of other specialty face creams, but this one is simple and works.
Sunshine
I have mild type-1 rosacea. Prescription metronidazole cream gives me the most help. For OTC, I am a big fan of Asian beauty products. I use Mizon Black Snail All-in-One and J.One Hana cream. If you’re doing a night routine, you can top your moisturizer(s) with a sleeping pack to seal all the moisture in overnight. It makes a huge difference. I like Missha’s Super Aqua Snail sleeping pack, but it is heavily fragranced so while it works for me, it might not for many people with sensitive skin and/or rosacea.
SDCityGirl
Prescription Azelaic Acid – only way to go. It has done wonders for my rosacea and overall skin texture and spots. Good luck!
Anon
I’m quarantining because I had about 2 days of mild symptoms. Tomorrow marks 14 days of quarantine. I still don’t have test results. This is bonkers.
Anon
It really is. I had to wait six days for my first set of results and I’m still waiting on my second. My doctor had recommended two based on the timing, but it’s obvious that I’m not going to get them in time to change any decisions anyway. It has really sucked looking at the four walls of my house nonstop. We are never going to get a handle on this epidemic without free, on demand rapid testing.
Anonymous
Clearly you should have gone to where pro sports players go. Those people seem to get their results the minute after they take a test.
Anonymous
It seriously makes me crazy that there is apparently top notch testing for professional athletes when it is such a mess in the rest of the country.
Naples Couple
We’re quarantining for obvious reasons (on Day 6). I got tested at CVS this morning – no symptoms, just want to be proactive. Didn’t want to go any earlier in case I was infected on the plane home, and then would get a false negative for going too early. They told me 6-10 business days to get results… at the earliest that will match the 14 day quarantine! Assuming I have had no symptoms after 14 days home, can I safely assume I don’t have it and resume “normal” (aka masked and distanced) life??
Sadie
A co worker of mine had direct exposure. He got his test, 14 day quarantine ended, he’s back at work still no results.
Management made him come back even though he doesn’t have results because he doesn’t have symptoms. They seem incapable of comprehending asymptomatic carriers.
Anon
After 14 days, it’s unlikely (not impossible) he’s infected, so I wouldn’t stress too much about him being an asymptomatic carrier. Frustrating that the testing seems pointless though.
Anon
I’m on day 12 of quarantine and I’m losing my mind! I feel totally fine which makes it harder !
Obviously I’m still following quarantine but the wait for testing results is horrific.
As a huge extrovert who (currently but not usually) lives alone, I was doing really well until today. Mentally / emotionally I feel like I was hit by a ton of bricks.
I’m an essential employee so I haven’t been working from home normally, and I am way less productive at home.
blueberries
Thank you for quarantining while waiting for test results. It’s unacceptable that our country isn’t getting folks results faster, but I really appreciate all the people like you who are doing their part.
Rebecca
Wow, that sucks. I recently finished a 14-day quarantine due to a close contact, and I was second-guessing every little cough or sneeze until my test results came back. I don’t wish that on anyone.
No Face
My area is not a hotspot yet, but the writing is on the wall. Cases are now increasing dramatically and people are throwing caution to the wind. My red state will absolutely not shut down, but I am going to act like it is.
Shut down tips? What made staying at home better for you? I appreciate answers about specific products, actions, or attitudes.
anne-on
Adding in metal shelving in our basement to hold extra shelf-stable food/cleaning supplies/paper products/pet food definitely helped lessen anxiety. I am also now making it a rule to have at least 2 backups of everything that can be easily stored (dog food/laundry detergent/pasta/etc.)
Do you have the supplies and tools to clean your own home? Microfiber cloths (instead of paper towels) and a stick vacuum to make it easier for me to vacuum one room at a time were both great investments.
For my own sanity we also signed up for online workout programs and bought whatever workout equipment we were able to find – yoga mat/bolsters/weights/cardio equipment/etc.
Anon
Start an at-home exercise routine so that it’s already a habit by the time you need it. I’ve been using Down Dog (yoga and HIIT versions) and Fitness Blender and am happy with the results.
Ribena
I also love Down Dog – yoga and barre for me.
cbackson
Do you have access to outside space? The biggest thing for me is that right before lockdown (which wasn’t really lockdown in GA, but we acted like it was), we had gotten a bunch of furniture for our patio, which made it functional as an outdoor room of our house. Being able to be outside has been huge for me, bc nature changes even if my house and partner don’t.
Anon
Hey new mama! Have been thinking of you – how’s everything going?
cbackson
So good! I mean, I am totally sleep deprived and I am discovering that it is super hard for me to let go of work and let myself be on leave, but so in love with my little guy. And feeling so lucky to be healthy through all of this.
Anon
I’m so happy to hear this! congrats again
Katie
I echo cbackson – I spent a little energy and $ cleaning up our apartment’s balcony to make it a pleasant space to work outside and hang out. It helps my mental health a lot to be able to get some fresh air, even if I can’t really go anywhere. Can’t recommend highly enough if you have access to an outdoor space.
aBr
Ditto. Of all things we spent money on for shut down, patio furniture has been the most surprisingly important thing for my sanity.
Anon
Make sure you have a good WFH space. I don’t (my apartment is too small) and it’s been killing me. Stock up on disinfectants, etc, now if they’re not already out of stock.
anon
piggybacking off of this with a question: what do y’all disinfect? In my normal life I don’t carry hand sanitizer, unless I’m hiking or might have to use porta potties and can’t wash my hands. I clean my house with cleaning spray (=soap) and water. I am lucky not to be going places except the grocery store, but even if I had to go out to work or something, I am not clear on what I would disinfect at home? I bought a bottle of clorox spray a few months ago and now it’s sitting there.
Anon
All my groceries and anything else that comes into the house after having left the house. Ex: if I go to the grocery store and bring my wallet, I disinfect my wallet and then the individual credit card I pulled out at the store and used, plus my keys and cell phone.
Note: I’m pregnant and likely being overly cautious, but for my personal risk tolerance, I’d rather err on the side of “wasted 10 minutes needlessly disinfecting things” than be anxious about whether or not I’m exposing myself to the virus on surfaces. YMMV.
Anonymous
I just disinfect my keys and sometimes the door knobs to the outside door … anything I’ve touched with “dirty” hands. And the countertops and cupboard handles after putting groceries away (though not every individual grocery item).
BeenThatGuy
North Jersey here. Here are my recommendations: Stock up on paper/plastic/non-perishable goods and cleaning products. Buy and freeze plenty of meat if you have the space. I even purchased a food sealing machine to help keep items from getting freezer burnt. If you have outdoor space, spruce it up as much as possible to it can be a retreat for you. If you have any home projects you’ve been wanting to do, get the things to do them now. It will help pass the time when you are stuck at home. Also, any at home self-care things are good to stock up on. For me, that was sheet masks, special softening products for my feet and hair masks. I also bought some puzzles and new board games for my family.
Anon
These are all pretty basic suggestions but:
Subscribing to Spotify premium, which we listen to a lot (commercials got old).
Watching “live” concerts advertised by Live Nation (we’re music people)
Jigsaw Puzzles. I know, that’s cliche, but when we are working on one it really does cut down mindless phone time.
Online workouts, bought hand weights
Made fun new cocktails
Booze in general :)
Think of more obscure naturey areas you can get out to that won’t be overrun with people. I’ve mentioned this before, but ours have included the grounds of a nearby university (as opposed to xyz popular official hiking trail).
Good luck!
Jeffiner
I really want to start doing more jigsaw puzzles!! Giant LEGO sets as well. I think it would be a nice escape. Unfortunately, with multiple cats I don’t think I could do one without it becoming a mess and pieces getting lost.
Anon
It’s funny, jigsaw puzzles are one of those things where ahead of doing I’m like “meh, jigsaw puzzle…” but once I start I enjoy them so much. I don’t know why I need to get over an initial hump like that.
Anon
I forgot to mention one important thing: booze (if you drink). Having my nightly drink has been something I look forward to. I’m very into canned spiked seltzer (White Claw, et al) because they’re low cal.
Anon
It’s kind of wild to me that there are still people who don’t know how to shut down. We’ve been shut down since early March (and then partially reopened, then shut down again). Man it sucks to be in the early-hit states…
No Face
Obviously I “know how” to shut down; I did it before like everyone else. I am optimizing the experience this time around. For example, I stocked up on food and supplies in February so I was all set there, but I didn’t think to get at home exercise equipment. I couldn’t get my hands on weights for months!
Aunt Jamesina
I’m a planner and a do-er. I think my biggest takeaway from all of this is that I need to get more comfortable with ambiguity and not being able to plan and control everything in my life.
Modern life has been relatively predictable for many up until this point, and I see now what an immense privilege that is. That’s a luxury most in human history never really had, and many still don’t. I’m just taking everything one day at a time and trying not to entertain what-ifs or dwelling on what we can’t do. Who knows when I’ll go on a trip again, go to a concert, or when I’ll be able to check out that museum exhibit I wanted to see. But I’m also not scheduled to the hilt, and I think I’ve really figured out which of my “someday when I have time” projects and aspirational hobbies are realistic vs. never actually going to happen. It’s strange but also freeing.
Senior Attorney
Yes, this has been a big lesson for me, too.
Strangely, I was able to get into this mindset pretty early on (like in April), and I think it has really helped me weather this crazy time.
Also lately I’ve been realizing that this isn’t an EVENT that’s going to have an ending, but it’s a CHANGE that is going to be ongoing for a very long time and some aspects are going to be forever. Which is kind of terrifying but better than the constant waiting for things to get back to a normal that isn’t coming back.
Aunt Jamesina
Well put!
Anonymous
I’m still thinking in terms of “maybe this will be a year when we’re at home.” But I’ve been thinking that since early in our shutdown & it helps so much not to have the constant thought of “maybe tomorrow or next week” followed by “No, it’s still terrible.” It’s less exhausting for decision-making too, since I can focus on what limited things we can do vs. the constant juggling of ideas and hedging bets and calculations over what is safe or how to make it safe.
Aunt Jamesina
Yup. I’m not allowing myself to think we’ll have a relatively normal Thanksgiving or Christmas or really anything at this point. I’m just assuming it’s off the table and looking for joy elsewhere.
Anonymous
Maybe line up some entertainment options. Do the legwork of finding some good books and TV shows/movies to look forward to & keep your mind off things. Crossword puzzles, etc.
Does your house or apartment need any maintenance? We live in an apartment & the small repairs are piling up (broken blind, dripping faucet, etc) as we put them off & maintenance is only available for emergencies. Not sure if you’re at a stage where you’d be comfortable having people in your home, but it’s a thought to get those out of the way.
If you have doctors/other appointments find out if they’ll go virtual.
Anon
+1
I didn’t let myself watch love is blind or tiger king until May because I wanted to have something new to watch and look forward to. I watched love is blind but never got around to tiger king so now I’m saving that for round 2 again.
Similarly, stocking up on good chocolate, new candles or some other small treat and saving them for when you’re locked down and having a bad day.
Senior Attorney
Heh. Hubby and I got into the Terry’s Chocolate Orange last night and it was amazing…
Anon
Mmm my husband gets me one of those for Christmas every year. It’s really good with a fruity red wine, just FYI.
Senior Attorney
Uh, yes we found that out last night! ;)
Anon
I’m in the Bay Area and can count the number of trips I’ve taken out of the house since March on two hands.
Work from home 100%. Grocery delivery. Sometimes meal delivery, but we are mostly doing everything from scratch.
Really, really not letting people visit. We’ve added two people to our “pod” because we know how those two social distance, but even then, one of them visited me in my backyard only. My nephew is home from a marines assignment overseas (non combat) and he was making noises about visiting us, and we said “when all this is over we’d love to see you. Crazy times!”
I have an autoimmune disease so I take immune suppressing drugs. I’m not taking any chances.
So this is how you long-term quarantine. It’s not super exciting but I’d rather stay alive, you know?
Anonymous
If I could go back to early March again, I’d have checked out a huge number of library books. I grabbed 4 the day they closed, thinking it wouldn’t be for long. Ha. And I would have bought tons of disinfecting products. We still have trouble getting wipes and Lysol.
Anon
If you have an Ipad download the overdrive or libby app. You can borrow books from your library through there if you are ok reading online. They read like books flipping page to page so great library apps are out there. I haven’t been to a library to borrow a book in 4 years and I read hundreds of books a year.
No Face
Thanks for the tips! I am going to buy a couple of extra things for the house and lock it down.
Anonymous
New yoga mats, better desk chairs and a CSA box for good quality fresh veggies have really helped.
Housecounsel
Popping in to say hello! I have been off the site for a little while. I had to ban myself from this and all social media for a while to reset my mind and get ish done. I always hate coming back after a while, wondering if I missed something huge, not wanting to repeat/rehash anything.
I am currently trying to figure out what to do about getting my kids back to college. One school has gone completely online, but my daughter has a house rented with friends and wants to go back, take her online classes there, and look for an internship. That’s fine with me; we aren’t getting out of the lease and she has already had Covid-19, so I am hoping she has some protection. My other college daughter has (so-far) in-person classes. I am more worried about her. She is living in a dorm, and last year she picked up every cold and whatever else ran through the petri dish of a residence hall. They’re both in states with surges so bad that Mayor Lightfoot in Chicago says anyone coming back from these states must self-isolate for two weeks. My husband has been going to his office in the city, but I guess if he comes with me for move-in he’ll have to work from home out here in the suburbs.
In other news, I have been shopping for Zoom shirts. My favorites are from Cece, found at Nordstrom etc. There is a tie-neck one that comes in beautiful bright colors. I have realized since Zoom culture began that my mostly-black wardrobe is doing me no favors.
Going to a funeral this weekend for the dad of my daughter’s close friend. He died of cancer in late March and this is the first opportunity they’ve had to have any kind of funeral or wake. The pain of not having friends and family around when all this happened had to be so much worse. I lost my dad years ago and took great comfort from everyone who came to the wake and funeral. Not having that is unthinkable.
Those are my random updates. I hope you’re all doing as well as possible under the circumstances and that you’re all wearing your Johnny Was masks. I am now on my fourth order.
The original Scarlett
Welcome back! And love those Johnny Was masks :)
Senior Attorney
Welcome back! Yes, love the Johnny Was masks — Hubby and and I both enjoying them!
Housecounsel
ALSO . . . it is Anthro Day. I have been waiting to buy a couple of gorgeous blouses. Zoom shirts, again.
Anon
Over the past year, a cluster of unexpected misfortunes have occurred in my life (eg. All in the span of 6 months, movers stole valuable belongings, got into a serious car accident, father went into cardiac arrest and died right in front of me and my spouse, absolutely “worst case scenario” neighbours moved into the attached house next door). My spouse and I caught up with a friend on Zoom last night, and discussed some of these events. Spouse said jokingly about me “Somehow she always has a gut feeling that predicts some of this stuff” referring to the fact that I’d express concern regarding going out on a winter day before the serious car accident, concern regarding the specific house we were moving to. My friend said “Maybe you are somehow bringing these events to life.”
I didn’t know what to say and her comment really hurt me. She didn’t seem like she was joking. She seems to actually think that you can “will” negative or positive events into your life based on your own energy and thinking, and elaborated a bit more about this belief. Maybe this is true in certain ways, but I wasn’t expecting a cold response like that and am sort of spiralling in a “am I a bad person and is that why the worst possible version of these situations has happened to me?” What would you have said in response to this friend?
Anon
I would tell her that it upset you. It reminds me of the time when my dear aunt entered hospice care as she was dying of ovarian cancer. Her daughter (my cousin) told her childhood friend what was happening and the friend said “You have to stay positive!” When my cousin told her that it was time for acceptance, not positivity, the friend insisted “You can’t give in to the negativity.” The rest of us were…baffled.
My point is that sometimes people aren’t really capable of understanding grief, acceptance, sitting with sadness, or other concepts that aren’t cheery/happy all the time. It sounds like your friend might be one of those people. I would tell her honestly and directly that what she said was hurtful and see how she responds. If she doubles down, I think you’ll need to decide if this is a friend you want to keep.
Airplane.
Ugh yes. I agree. I think this is called “toxic positivity” – and it is super unhelpful. Saying nothing is better than this.
Monday
“Bright Sided” by Barbara Ehrenreich is a whole book on this phenomenon! She discusses being blamed for her own breast cancer due to “negative thinking.”
TTC
Yup, currently going through infertility treatments after a year and a half of not getting pregnant, and these comments are so awful. No, I actually WON’T get pregnant if I “just relax” and “let it happen”.
Carmen Sandiego
Ugh, I’m so sorry your friend said that; that’s pretty terrible and I understand why you’re hurt. I actually think it’s completely normal (and maybe for the best) that you didn’t say anything in the moment. I’m pretty good at comebacks and would have been left speechless by that!
But, I think you can – and should – still say something to her about it! I would tell her something along the lines of what you said here (and honestly, I think text or email is fine here because it might be hard for you to do on the phone) and tell her: What you said really hurt me; I hope (or know) you didn’t mean it that way, but it made me feel like you think I’m a bad person and/or deserve what has happened to me. It also really hurts because you were so supportive to me during those times, and now it makes me wonder if all along this is what you were thinking. (I say this last part here, because a friend who had been majorly supportive to me after a traumatizing event later made a comment that what happened wasn’t that bad, and I was completely blindsided when she said that because I was like wow! did you feel like this the whole time, but obviously YMMV.)
Like the other poster said, how she responds will tell you a lot about whether to continue the friendship. (With the caveat, that if she has otherwise been a good, kind friend to you, I would give her the benefit of the doubt if she apologizes.)
Anonymous
I just want to validate that what she said was extremely hurtful. I don’t know what I would have said in the moment; I think I would have been too shocked to come up with anything. Perhaps thinking that way makes her feel like she has some control over life and can prevent bad things happening, but obviously that is bullshit. Is it a child’s fault when they get molested? Or when their home collapses in an earthquake? When they get cancer as an infant? There may have been elements to some of these situations you could control, but we have to take calculated risks every day to survive (e.g. getting in a car), and bad things happen all the time that are completely beyond our control.
Monday
+1. When I think back to the most deeply insulting/hurtful things people have ever said to me, I usually didn’t respond because I was so caught off guard. I consider myself someone who thinks pretty well on my feet, but when people cross the line so extremely, the shock can just be paralyzing. The true weight of what they said might even take a few days to sink in, as in this case.
I agree with everyone saying you should tell her how hurt you are by the suggestion that you somehow made these terrible things happen. Honestly, I think she should do all the work from there. If she doesn’t, she may no longer be a friend you’re interested in keeping.
Anon
I think what you said about taking time to sink in is true and also it’s not like a snappy comeback is going to erase the hurt of what somebody has said to you.
Monday
Totally right. But I meant we can be so shocked that even “Gosh, that was hurtful” does not come to the lips–let alone a snappy comeback.
Anon
Got it. You’re definitely right.
Anon
I had a work friend like this, who was very much into law of attraction thinking. Things were going well in her life and she believed it was due to her will (visualizations, affirmations etc). She used to talk to me about how she is getting all good things in life by practicing law of attraction. On the other hand I was going through a very rough phase (infertility, toxic work environment, husband’s health problems etc which she was aware of). I used to upset me a lot when she used to talk about it and vaguely implied I was the cause of all my problems. I had written a post similar to yours here when that was happening.
I took a different job in the same company, but I had to work in a different building. I used that opportunity to reduce contact with her and only way we talked was through IM. One day during such a conversation, I just told her that it would help if she cultivated some empathy. That was the last sentence I told her. She never pinged me again. I never missed her and I am happy that there is no longer any friendship.
My situation is much better now, still no children (but IVF on horizon with embryo screening to stop my children from having a disease that I suffer from, never ever thought I would have this opportunity and very happy about it), fantastic colleagues and work, husband health problems are all resolved. Things have improved so much for me over the past 1.5 years.
Sometimes, we go through rough patches in life. It is what it is. Don’t blame yourself, things are out of your control most of the times. Your only responsibility is to try to do whatever you can to cope with it and get through the phase. One thing that has helped me to cope with these situations is to slow down and reduce how much I demand from myself. If I spend weekend of the couch, so be it. If I not volunteering for extra work, so be it. If I eat frozen food, so be it. After some time, you will get back to normal. Time will pass and things get better.
Aunt Jamesina
Best wishes with your IVF treatment!
Aunt Jamesina
Oh man, I really resent that sort of magical thinking about how your energy attracts good or bad, it’s so gross (and seems to be mostly held by people who are either supremely lucky or those who shove their feelings wayyy down until the sh!t hits the fan). I’m so sorry, I would be very upset by that comment too.
If you’re up to it, I think you could let her know that her comment, while she might have had good or neutral intentions, insinuates that you’re somehow responsible for your father’s death, and just how hurt you feel.
I’m so sorry you lost your dad.
Anonymous
So sorry you are going through a rough patch. People always want to find a “reason” that a bad event happened to you so then they can rationalize that it won’t happen to them because they are different. Real life example Thin friend is diagnosed with cancer. Chubby friend says “That’s because you are too thin”.They can’t face that the universe is random and bad things will happen to all of us at some point.
Anon
Yes. I posted a novel about this below but you are far more succinct than I am.
For those if you who are reading this and don’t know what to say when something awful happens to a friend, just know that “I’m so sorry, that is awful,” is a perfectly fine response. You do not have to find an upside to a situation. If you find your self starting a sentence with “at least..” (example, at least he died quickly), stop yourself and leave it at I’m so sorry.
Senior Attorney
Oh, man, I hate that Law of Attraction stuff with a passion!!
I’d have said “wow, that’s a horrible thing to say!” but I totally get being shocked into silence.
And not that it needs to be said, but you are not a bad person and this stuff is not your fault. Hugs to you!
Anon
I have been on the receiving end of some weird remarks like that when I was going through an awful time (I lost a child to cancer -I’ve posted about it here before.)
Some of the remarks were awful.
But here’s what I learned in A LOT of grief therapy.
People are uncomfortable with anything that is out of their control. The idea that a random tragedy could befall any of us is something many, if not most, people cannot deal with. So they lean on things like religion (and yes, I did have someone tell me god took my child to teach me something) or mysticism (maybe you’re attracting these things) in order to imagine an action-consequence to explain something that is truly random.
As scary as it is to think that if you think bad thoughts, something bad will happen – it is less scary to think that way than to think tragedy could befall any of us at any moment.
I’m sorry for your losses and I’m sorry your friend said that thing to you. You can let it slide and silently forgive her for being boneheaded just this one time if she is otherwise a great friend. Or you can call her out on it and see what her reaction is. But just know she’s probably coming from a place of fear. All the terrible stuff that happened to you could happen to her as well, so it’s easier to think that it’s something that you are doing, and she is protected from it because she doesn’t do that thing.
It sounds silly when you write it out, but it really is a thing. It falls under the category of Magical Thinking.
Senior Attorney
This is so wise.
There’s a chapter about this in Tom Wolfe’s book The Right Stuff, about the early test pilots, some of whom became the original Gemini astronauts. Whenever somebody crashed and burned, they always blamed pilot error, saying “so-and-so screwed the pooch.” Because that was far less terrifying than admitting it could happen to any of them at any time.
Anonymous
I’m sorry all these things happened to you. Before I read the comment your friend made, I thought you were going to talk about intuition. I agree that it was a mean thing for your friend to say. And, I think perhaps you should give some additional time and attention to what you are feeling. Not because you are attracting these things to you at all, but because you (your inner wisdom, intuition, whatever you may call it) may be trying to tell you something. I believe intuition can be very powerful. Most of the time I ignore it thinking that logic and decisions my brain has made are the right ones, but occasionally I remember that my body/intuition/etc. also has information that I should pay attention to.
Anon
What on earth. No, no, an intuition that maybe there’s something wrong with ourselves that’s causing bad things we have no control over to happen to us is not something that we need to pay more attention to. It’s the just world fallacy weaponized against us, which is understandable since toxic positivity is basically our state religion, but it’s absolutely wrong.
Ozarks
I’m thinking about renting a cabin or cottage with DH and maybe Kiddo in the Ozarks this fall. Any tips on where to start? Best areas to stay in? Goals would be hiking and other “light” outdoorsy stuff.
Anonymous
Your house. The best area to stay is your house, where you live.
Cat
This is uncalled for. A family taking a socially distanced vacation in their own rental house is not what is spreading Covid. Attending giant pool parties, however, is.
Arkie
Under normal circumstances I would put in a plug for northwest Arkansas for this (Ponca for nature! Fayetteville for a small city! Eureka Springs for a cute, quirky getaway!), but COVID-19 cases in all those areas are on the rise, and I don’t trust that it’ll be going down by the fall.
Ozarks
We would drive and bring in as much food as we could, and supplement with one grocery store trip (unless delivery was available). Otherwise, we would be hiking and doing other socially distanced activities.
Anon
Look into Big Cedar lodge. It’s a bit pricey but they may have dates that work and the individual cabins are great. Branson may be ok but I don’t know if you will find individual cabins there. Lake of the Ozarks is a short ( medium) drive from St. Louis and they would have rentals. It’s a great outdoorsy area but definitely check the county’s infection rate trend before signing up.
Anokha
I should know the answer to this, but I can wash cloth masks, right? I just bought a five pack from Sanctuary. At some point, do you have to throw them away?
Anonymous
Yes the whole point is to wash and rewear. Figure out if they’re pre shrunk though – many aren’t so they shrink in warm/hot water.
Anon100
Yes. Definitely wash and rewear! Ideally wash in hot water and detergent, but they might shrink if they haven’t been pre-washed. This is just me, but I also line dry them outside in the hot summer sun.
Anokha
Thank you! Is it ok to machine wash on a gentle cycle in a lingerie bag (and line dry?). Or hand wash only?
cat socks
I wash all of mine in a lingerie bag on the gentle cycle and then throw the bag in the dryer. Masks have always been a bit big for me, so it actually helps if they shrink a bit.
ANON
Some of my masks are going on 4 months of wear now. I have 8 or 10 of them so I only wash once a week. I machine wash in a lingerie bag with hot water. I use a laundry spray to pretreat- especially the light colored ones. Hang to dry.
Aunt Jamesina
I wash mine in the regular cycle (so I don’t have to run a special delicates load) in a lingerie bag and they’ve held up just fine.
Thanks, it has pockets!
It really depends on the fabric, did they come with care instructions? They should have.
I hand-wash mine with Soak wash, just so I don’t necessarily have to wait for laundry day to re-wear them, but occasionally put them through the wash. I wash all my clothes on gentle cycles and dry them on low heat, but I’m sure you can wash masks in warm water and dry them in medium or high heat if you prefer.
Anonymous
I don’t have Sanctuary masks but bought ones that are labeled as washable. Sanctuary’s care instructions are kind of weird. I guess they’re telling you to spray them with an alcohol solution between each wear and hand wash occasionally? Maybe look for some machine washable ones also — they are available.
For the fabric masks I have, I have been washing them weekly for a while. I put them in one of those mesh bags designed for hosiery so the elastic doesn’t snag on anything in the machine & use cold water & soap. I hadn’t thought about throwing them way, but would just do that at visible signs of wear and tear snags, holes, thinning material — same as clothing items (or a little stricter). I lay them flat to dry.
Anokha
Right? The Sanctuary instructions are frustrating. I love the fit and prints, but not the hand-washing/alcohol spray.
Senior Attorney
I throw them in the washer (cold) and dryer and then I iron them so they look nice and also I figure the hot iron kills any remaining germs.
Coronavirus -- summer edition
The spring coronavirus story started out as big coastal cities, transit spread, nursing home spread (that was IMO criminally negligent and caused needless deaths).
The summer narrative is just numbers, numbers, numbers. In my large SEUS city, cases have risen since (depending on what you read: Memorial Day weekend, 2 weeks after we went to Phase 2 (which is some in-restaurant dining; bars that are merely bars and gyms are still closed and most churches aren’t meeting even though they could do things on a very small scale), protests (largely unmasked in my city), or the weather got super-hot and online schools ended, possibly surging our state with in-state travel and out of state vacationers going to our beaches. [I think it “all of the above.”]
Interestingly, while our numbers are way up, our death rate has held steady (so our surge started in early June, it is now a month later; that is really, really good news, no?). There is no narrative with that. Perhaps it is:
— more younger / healthier people are getting it, so #s up but not deaths (hospital admissions are up, but not the ICU crush, and hospitals are now doing scheduled surgeries that were put off earlier).
— I don’t think we have had notable camp spread (open camps are outside camps)
— we’ve had a few outbreaks (the threshhold is 5ishcases), but no chatter as to if it is brought in by kids and spreads to kids, brought in by staff and spreads to staff, no one knows? or no one says?
— we still have “congregate living” spread, but it seems to be jumped on regularly and doesn’t seem to be massively spreading the way it was in NYC this spring
— Moves are afoot all over the SEUS to limit late-night liquor sales in bars, so it may be the adult non-parents (parents seem to be grounded unless they are going on family vacations) going out and getting it and being not terribly ill generally (so that probably increases spread, but hopefully among healthy peers)
— More of a hispanic (now) than black (spring) spread locally among lower SES neighborhoods, so testing centers are moving around; I suspect this may be construction trades and but also possibly some intra-family spread
— Schools will not reopen in the fall. While local sentiment is that distance learning s*cked and was weak in both content and execution and people really want there kids back in schools, our #s are many times worse than when we shut schools in the spring so no one is really surprised.
I just don’t have a sense of what how this virus is doing now and I feel like it is everywhere and yet nowhere (I got tested and antibody tested: nothing; antibody testing was complimentary from blood donation; testing was pre-biopsy per medical practice rules and not from suspected exposure or symptoms).
I guess the upside is that there should be plenty of people around to donate convalescent plasma. And it looks like we are going to need it.
Anonymous
Deaths have held steady for a month because it takes 4-6 weeks to die from coronavirus. Look at that Broadway actor who just died; he fought it for 90 days.
Anon
My coworker was in the hospital over 90 days before his death : (
Anon
No, deaths are going up in most states, especially the states that didn’t have early surges. I’m not sure where you’re getting your updates.
Anonymous
OP: it’s from our state health website, which gets reports from the main hospital chains (which are statewide), so I think it’s legit. Neighboring state has had increased deaths (it tends to be poorer and have much more beach traffic per capita, which perhaps matters a lot).
It’s been a month and a half since our cases have been steadily rising.
And Nick Cordero is such a sad case. Maybe in 5-10 years we will understand why he got sick, got so sick, his wife and child were spared; why intra-spousal spread is not 100% across the board (they all can’t be snorers in separate beds; my doctor friends cannot explain this phenomenon either), etc., etc. I can’t explain that.
Anonymous
Once they get sick, people self-isolate within their own homes. Are the public health authorities in the US not being clear on that point? If you eat, sleep, bathe separately and clean throughly if having shared living spaces, it’s totally possible for the other people in the home not to catch it.
The risk of contagion is relatively low until you are symptomatic so lots of cases where one spouse didn’t get it – eg. Justin Trudeau didn’t catch it from his wife because she self-isolated in their home while he took care of the kids (and led the country).
Anon
A lot of our data on familial contagion comes from urban China where people often live in close quarters. My own apartment has a eat-in kitchen, a living room with no sofa or space for a sofa, a bedroom, and a bathroom, so self-isolation at home is not realistic. I guess one of us would sleep on the living room floor if it came to that, but we’d be breathing the same air.
Anonymous
yes – in your situation the sick person eats and sleeps in the bedroom. Non-sick person brings them food. Take turns in bathroom and clean before and after use. Leave windows open as much as possible.
Our public health authority issued specific guidance for how to self-isolate inside the home both during the period when one person is required to self-isolate and when one person has covid.
Aunt Jamesina
Deaths have just started to tick up now, unfortunately.
anon
“There is no narrative with that”? I thought all Fox New had been doing was complain that other media outlets weren’t focusing on a static death rate despite rising numbers. Nevermind the inconvenient point that death is a lagging indicator…
anon
I am looking at CA numbers, cases have been going up for a month, then hospitalizations increased, now deaths are also on the rise. It’s very delayed.
Anonymous
OP: “very delayed” makes a bit more sense. I was thinking that neighboring state had almost no delay from case rise 1.5 months ago. Ours must be very delayed if it is going to happen. Crossing my fingers.
AIMS
Not to discount all the doom and gloom but doctors are also getting better at treating it. So while we should all be taking it seriously and a lot of opportunities to reduce the spread have been squandered, it’s just not the same as Early April in NYC. So that may play a part.
Anon
Yes, I read they’re relying more on oxygen, delaying intubation, and have changed the pressure settings on the ventilators now that the disease is better understood.
Outcomes are also just better when hospitals are not slammed, and health care workers have been gaining experience (many people were needed in the ICU who wouldn’t normally be working there, and experience does matter). Ending up in the hospital w/COVID is a bad, but more knowledge, skills, staffing, space, and supplies can help.
Anon
From what I’ve read in local newspapers (not cable entertainment news) and local hospital websites – I’m in Texas so we have a lot of spread:
1) newer cases are largely in a younger group, mostly in the 20-50 age range so hospitalizations are up but deaths are comparatively lower
2) death rate in general has lowered as doctors and hospitals have come up with therapies that improve outcomes, none of which we knew in March (intervening earlier, application of the two or so antivirals that show some improvement, recovered plasma therapy, putting people in the prone position, preventative anticoagulants, lower pressure in ventilators so as not to injure the lungs as much)
3) deaths lag by 3-6 weeks on average
anon
One narrative I have seen is that hospitals know to treat very ill patients with anti-coagulants from the get-go, which was not known at the beginning of the virus.
AnonMPH
It’s hard to tell if you’re actually asking a question here, but to your comment “I just don’t have a sense of what how this virus is doing now and I feel like it is everywhere and yet nowhere” sounds like a question that you think will have an answer. But that’s exactly the point! The virus is going to continue to be anywhere it has the opportunity to be. I feel like people have posted a lot of comments on here (possibly you, possibly others) trying to bracket off who can get infected into different types of people, like in the first wave only people in big cities who took transit, only essential workers. But once it is spreading in the community, it can be anyone, that’s the whole problem.
So if the first phase of these surges was mainly younger people who were being less careful, there were initially fewer hospitalizations. If a single COVID -19 case can take two weeks to incubate, and that first one is in a young healthy person who doesn’t require hospitalization, then you see a first spike of cases while those people get it, while they spread it to their close contacts who are also young and healthy and then their contacts. But when in that chain do people see their more at risk family, thinking they are just fine and they have been safe? When in that chain does someone go to work? That could easily be four to six weeks in, and then you start to see hospitalizations rise and then deaths rise. This isn’t confusing, this is what we knew was going to happen. Sure its great that we have better treatments now than we did in March. The death rate is probably objectively lower (and testing is much higher, so our total case numbers are including many more of the asymptomatic and mildly symptomatic cases which weren’t being tested at all in March/April in NYC) but this insane wave of astronomically case numbers on a daily basis means lots of people are going to die, who didn’t need to. It is heartbreaking.
Anonymous
Random question not pandemic related — when you live in an apartment tower in the south (ATL) and leave for a few weeks, do you leave the AC on even if you don’t have it kicking on until a high temp like 80 or 90?? First time living in the south — is it like the north where during the winter you leave the heat on (though at a very low temp so you’re not paying for it to run a lot) because if you don’t you could return to frozen pipes? FWIW it’s a tower, I’m on a high floor and the hallways etc have AC. Question is too I leave mine on for some reason I am missing? Pipes, bugs, humidity doing something or whatever.
And now pandemic related — any reason to leave windows open? They open only a few inches and it’s not a security concern because it’s a high floor, no balconies. I know they’ve been all about get fresh air in etc — but I can’t imagine it matters unless you’re there, right?
Cat
We put our AC on 80 when we’re gone in the summer. Neighbors in our condo building do the same thing- unluckily for one of them, maintenance had to go into their unit while they were gone, and they turned off the AC. Mold grew behind their built-in cabinetry and they had to rip it out to get rid of it!
Windows closed.
Aunt Jamesina
I’m not in the south, but we also set the thermostat to a high temp (low 80s?) when the forecast is that hot, just to avoid mold or mildew.
anon.
Agreed – in New Orleans, we set it at 80 or 82 when we leave town.
Anonymous
Leave it on , just set it to 78-80. And keep windows closed.No need to introduce bugs, rain, pollution, etc. if you aren’t there to monitor.
Anon
When I moved to the south from New England, I was way too lax about keeping the AC on, even while home. I wasn’t used to AC and found it unpleasant. I learned my lesson when my belongings started to mold.
Anon
Leave it at your normal temp if you have pets. If not, I still wouldn’t go above 80. Any higher and it will take a lot of energy to get it back down to normal.
Aunt Jamesina
It takes way less energy to take your house down from 80 to 70 once you return home than it does to keep your thermostat at 70 for the duration of a vacation.
Anon
That really depends on how long the vacation is and how hot it is outside.
Aunt Jamesina
Sorry, not to belabor the point, but this is a common misconception. Under most circumstances (even very hot days), turning your A/C either down or even off while you’re out (even just during a single day), then turning it back on a few hours later uses less energy than holding it steady. This is why programmable thermostats are so useful and help save on energy costs. This is compounded over the days you’re out. I would keep it on just enough to stave off any problems from humidity and no more.
Anonymous
Definitely leave it on, set to 80ish. It controls the humidity, which in turn prevents mold.
cbackson
Just moved out of an apartment tower in ATL. Leave your AC on 78-80. Your apartment won’t get as hot as you might think because high rises tend to maintain a more constant temp. If you’re in a super modern all-glass building, close your drapes if you have them. Don’t leave your windows open – you don’t want rain getting in during one of our lovely summer thunderstorms and you can still get those awful stinky beetles in the air even in high floors.
Pink
+1 to leave it on while you’re away, but set around 80 or so. Turning it off once won’t hurt it, but if you’re consistently turning your AC completely off and back on, it’s very hard on the system and can cause it to die more quickly. You might not care as much if it’s a rented unit, but returning home to a dead AC in July is a real bummer. Also, I wouldn’t leave the windows open – there’s no real benefit down here (because it doesn’t cool significantly in the evening) and your cooled air will all escape, making your AC work even harder. Also we have mosquitoes that can squeeze through window screens so our windows stay closed for that reason alone.
Anon
With all the body shapes discussion this week, I’m wondering if anyone has the same issue that I have. I’m more of a butternut squash than a pear. I have hips and rear but my waist, bust and shoulders are straight. Curvy garments are often too small in the waist but things like shift dresses don’t fit my lower body without going up one size and becoming baggy on top. In the Before Times, tailoring was the solution but not an option geographically at this time. Any tips or brand that work best for you?
anon
Oh my gosh! Yes, this! I am a butternut squash, not a pear. :) I, too, haven’t had great luck with curvy fit pants. Sizing up in more of a “modern cut” — like LOFT’s Marisa — usually works better for me than curvy fit anything. I don’t wear high-waisted pants unless they have a stretchy waist; mid-rise hits at a better spot. I don’t wear many shift dresses, but have had good luck with the fit of Calvin Klein dresses. It’s a lot of trial and error to find stuff that fits well, TBH.
Anon
Also a butternut here – my new jeans that have an elastic waist (you really can’t tell though) have been kind to me. I’m going to be really sad when low waisted styles become the thing again. Anyway the jeans I like are Levi – women’s totally shaping pull on skinny jeans. They are one of my favorite purchases ever of the things that were featured here.
Other aspects of butternut dressing – flowy tops without a defined waist. Fortunately, those are in style and are available everywhere. The length is important. Take pictures of yourself in different length tops to see what is most flattering. If they cover your whole butt, they probably make all of you look as big as the butt – more of an acorn squash.
Anon
Does anyone have a recommendation for an employment law attorney in Raleigh Durham? My FIL was recently terminated and I think he could benefit from consulting with someone. TIA!
LSC
Narendra Ghosh with Patterson. Excellent plaintiff’s side employment lawyer.
Jules
This is the firm I recommended below, so pathlaw.com.
Jules
Try Mike Okun or one of his colleagues at Patterson Harkavy in Chapel Hill, pathlaw.com. I’m a union lawyer and know Mike as a colleague, but like most union-side labor law firms they also handle individual employment matters.
Murz
I need to create a space to do video calls in our bedroom. I don’t need a designated workspace, simply a place to do video calls without interruptions when my husband’s using our office. I also don’t want the bed to be visible in the background. The room is pretty small (12×12) and has a kind bed squeezed in, so there’s not much room for additional furniture. Has anyone come up with clever workarounds for this? Some ideas I’m considering are replacing a nightstand with something taller (maybe one of those skinny leaning desks) or putting a chair in a corner (still need to figure out the table part of this idea though). The distinction between bedroom and work space has been comforting thus far, so I’m reluctant to get anything that looks too much like a desk. Really trying to get creative with non-office furniture solutions so I don’t feel like I’m sleeping in my office. TIA!
Cat
Can you use the bed as the table? Maybe get a tray to set the laptop on (so no bedding would be in frame at the bottom), put that at the edge of the bed, and have it face the new chair?
Anonymous
If your desk/chair solution is positioned so the bed shows … How about a decorative furniture screen you can fold out to hide the bed? Like one of those screens people change their clothes behind in old timey movies?
Aunt Jamesina
If you can fit an armchair in a corner, you could use one of those c-shaped table/trays that are easy to tuck away when you’re finished. Or just blur your background!
anon
if you have room for a chair, what about a tall set of drawers? I have a normal dresser in my bedroom. I stack two shoeboxes on top to make it a standing desk for meetings. You could achieve this with a taller drawer chest with smaller footprint. I will try to post a link.
anon
something like this
https://www.homedepot.com/p/Modern-Homes-Rattan-Style-5-Drawer-Unit-in-Ivory-68191/310989159?mtc=Shopping-B-F_D29B-G-D29B-29_22_VANITIES-Multi-NA-NA-PLA-NA-NA-NA&cm_mmc=Shopping-B-F_D29B-G-D29B-29_22_VANITIES-Multi-NA-NA-PLA-NA-NA-NA-71700000032919333-58700003861054597-92700052264646830&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIg8ee3tDU6gIVCr3ACh2P7wm8EAQYAiABEgIDvvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
Elderlyunicorn
If it’s just for the occasional video call and mobility isn’t an issue for you, I’d say think about a portable standing desk. If you do a search for portable stand desk, a bunch of options will come up. It’s like a tray on casters, that you can raise/lower. This way, you could easily position yourself facing the bed and close to a wall at your back, which would limit what people can see in your space. Although you’d have to stash the desk somewhere when not in use, at least you won’t have a “permanent” desk in your bedroom.
Bandana as a mask
Is the secret to wearing a bandana as a mask just never to take it off? Maybe my hair is too slippery for it to work, but yesterday mine kept sliding down as I walk past people who seemed to have no issues with theirs. I have a lot of bandanas and am trying to rotate b/c the elastic on my original batch is looking worn (even with just air-drying). At work, I don’t wear a mask in my office, but do when I am in any common areas (so: off/on/off/on).
Anon
Wow, I can’t imagine how aggravating it would be to walk by someone at work who wears a slippery, ill-fitting bandanna as a mask when she could easily purchase an inexpensive, well-fitting, well-made cloth mask from any number of retailers or independent sellers. Please do the bare minimum to protect others.
Anonymous
Asking for help here, not a lecture but thanks for the finger wagging. I love it when people make the pandemic better!
I think the point is that bandanas work well for some people — is there a trick? Tips? The full adjustability of a bandana to me means that they’d be helpful to leave in my car and purse to use in a pinch. I have had plenty of ones turn out to be too big (elastic straps; non-elastic straps; doesn’t matter) and won’t stay up; kids masks are too small. It is a crapshoot.
Anon
I’d love if people could make the pandemic better too. Wear a real mask.
Cat
For masks that are too loose, you can effectively shorten the straps with a knot (or a safety pin if the straps are wide enough).
Anonymous
Lordy — do you get that people BUY masks and THEN try them on? And that you can’t return them for a smaller / narrower size if they don’t fit? Who here does not have masks that don’t quite cut it, so they go into the emergency reserve pile (but not in the trash just yet b/c god forbid you get caught without one).
I can’t wait until years from now when bloggers will be all “1001 ways to craft with the old masks you have in the back of a closet”.
Anonymous
Lordy, do you get that stores have size charts and now offer like two sizes or more of kid masks plus adult XS, S,M, L,XL masks? Unless you are the world’s smallest or largest person, there is a mask for you. Measure your face. Wear a mask. It’s not rocket science. You’re not so special that masks don’t fit.
anon
+1 it’s the same concept as buying clothes — not that hard!!!
anon
+ 1 Research shows that bandanas do little to protect others vis-a-vis cloth masks
anon
If you look at that research, it also shows that a single-layer bandana cuts the distance that particles travel by almost a factor of 3. “Please do the bare minimum to protect others” is hyperbole.
Anon
Not a single-layer bandanna that won’t stay on.
anon
Yep, just buy some real masks.
Thanks, it has pockets!
Bruh, that was a bit more aggressive than was necessary.
I agree that a bandana is more of an “in a pinch” solution and people should be taking steps to purchase (or make their own) cloth masks, but that doesn’t mean you can be nasty about it. OP, I do second the suggestion to just buy some masks, and only wear your bandana in the interim, or when all your regular masks are dirty, but I am sorry people are jumping down your throat about it, that’s not productive.
anon
I have one makeshift bandana from a cotton scarf (sounds like your situation is different), so it has no stretch at all and I have issues with it sliding. I use better options when it’s called for (indoor grocery store) and reserve the bad bandana for hiking when I only meet people sporadically, and I can press the mask against my face for the 30 seconds we pass each other.
Pink
Maybe try bobby pins? My hair is also slippery. I thought I couldn’t wear headbands until I realized that (duh) you have to use bobby pins to hold them in place. Not that you asked, but I prefer masks with ties over the elastic banded ones. I got 3 from Emilia George that I love (more than my Johnny Was ones, but I didn’t spring for the silk). They’re $12 each though so on the pricier side and she does take a while to ship.
Anonymous
Not what you asked but I think if there’s any other type of face mask you can use other than a bandana, then use that. They’ve been proven to be the least effective type of face covering towards preventing spread of COVID. I think when this all initially started, they just wanted people wearing anything they could find to make a little difference as masks were extremely scarce. Now, there is a huge proliferation of different types of masks. I even saw medical masks on the shelves at Target yesterday.
https://www.nbc12.com/2020/07/01/bandana-is-least-effective-form-face-mask-study-says/
Anon
Wear a mask!
Monday
The more times you fold it over, the better it serves because you’re building layers. (Yes, a real mask is preferable.) Fold it into a narrow band, as if you were going to wear it as a headband. Obviously it still needs to be wide enough to cover your mouth and nostrils. Then tie it tightly behind your head. You probably will need to adjust it to keep it up. When you’re able to not wear it, put it down around your neck but don’t untie it.
Jules
No ideas for you on the bandanas, but Baublebar has cute masks that have adjustable ear loops, so you can customize the fit; the price is pretty reasonable, at 2 for $12. I haven’t tried them yet – I already have a good 12-15 masks – but when I’m ready for more this probably will be where I go.
https://www.baublebar.com/product/52975-baublebar-face-mask-set-of-2?sku=53205
I had made my own masks early in the pandemic and for my SO, a big guy with remarkably tiny ears, I made them with around-the-head ties instead of earloops and used elastics with toggles. (I bought no-tie sport shoelaces like this, https://www.target.com/p/kiwi-sneaker-no-tie-shoe-laces-black-and-white-one-size-fits-all-1-pair/-/A-53638578, on ebay or amazon.) You could make bandana masks but sew on these, they would be fully adjustable.
Anon
Could you fold the bandanna and put hair ties over the ends to use as loops over your ears? Basically, the way the surgeon general instructed in the beginning to do w/ a t-shirt or bandanna. That would make it more secure.
Anon
Just buy a real mask. They’re like $5. This is absurd.
anonshmanon
they’re at least $10 apiece, what are you talking about? And from the discussions here, it’s clear that a lot of people have to order three different ones or more to find a good fit. If you found one that fits well, or being out $50 dollars is no big deal to you, great. Your situation isn’t everyone’s situation.
Anon
Target has $5 ones
Anon
Nope, there are options under $5 on Etsy with good reviews. There simply isn’t a valid excuse for not wearing a mask. If OP’s post had come up in early April, that would be one thing, but it’s mid-to-late July. The time for struggling with hair ties and poorly fitting bandannas is over. If she’s on the verge of homelessness and can’t spare $5, then I doubt she would be casually posting here about it.
anon
Old Navy is selling a five pack for $12.50 so they are definitely not $10/apiece everywhere.
Anon
I got a 5 pack from Old Navy’s website for $12.50. They fit my large face well, though not as snugly as ideal.
Anonymous
The local grocery store sells them for $5 here. I also bought the old navy ones. And Brooks Brothers sells them for $5 each. My church is also giving them away for free (with delivery!). Folks without resources to buy could look to those options.
Jules
I also got cute masks, 3 for $15, from Gap Factory and BR Factory (you can buy from both stores in the same order). BR Factory was the only place I’ve found that had what I considered to be attractive black-and-white prints (and my collleague is rocking the leopard print).
Jules
BTW, the BR factory ones are not adjustable but have a nose wire to improve the fit; no filter pocket.
Anon
I think my hair is too slippery for bandanas and masks with ties. Only the ones with elastic that go around the ears work for me. Sorry our resident jerk is being a jerk. (The point is valid, the delivery was completely uncalled for.)
Anon
Tone policing is also uncalled for.
Anonymous
I am finding that masks that I think fit often don’t handle stairs well. Like they are fine with gentle walking but not more than that. It is so frustrating to have to hold a mask up that you *thought* fit. If it weren’t gross to donate / reuse masks, I’d put them in a little free library or similar b/c it is really wasteful. I found good adjustable loop masks and am resigned to the fact that, sadly, the $10 masks are the only ones that have fit me well.
anon
I don’t want to pile on, but please get a real mask. Whatever the reason, bandanas are not working for you. I have seen very inexpensive ones at Target if price is an issue.
Walnut
Try tying it before you put it on your head. It’ll take a couple tries to get it right but it’ll be more likely to stay in place.
jen
I bought a few different mask holders, necklaces and they are a game changer for the mask on-off-on-off situations. Just throw one on when you leave the house vs. digging them out of your bag, pocket. The best ones by far I just got from this etsy shop: themasknecklace.etsy.com, they have actual little grippy clips to hold your mask and are made beautiful glass beads and just look really nice when hanging. I got the rainbow one for my kiddo and the deep blue one for me.
Anon
Buy a mask. Athleta’s fit me the best out of all that I bought (small face and theirs have adjustable ear pieces) Or buy a buff that you can just have in your neck or as a headband while not wearing it. This doesn’t offer as much protection to others, however.
Anon
Buffs are no good for this. They’re loosely woven and very permeable. Just buy a mask, it’s not hard.
Anon
Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? I can’t get a bandana to stay up unless my hair is up too.
Anonymous
If you don’t want to buy masks because money is tight, maybe someone here would be willing to mail you the masks they’ve tried but don’t like?
Anonymous
What are you wearing — a bandanna with elastic? Like a homemade mask? How does it come into contact with your hair? Maybe a different style of mask would fit you better, such as one with adjustable elastic.
Allie
Does anyone know if major retailers selling masks with a pocket for a filter? I’ve seen that ASOS, Gap, etc are selling masks and love the patterns, but would want one with room to put in an additional filter.
Cat
Gap’s do not (unless they’ve changed since we ordered ours a 6 weeks ago). Johnny Was do have a filter pocket.
Anon
Most of the masks I’ve seen have filter pockets. Related question, are people using those filter pockets? What do you use as a filter? Is there any evidence they help protect anybody any more than just a mask?
Senior Attorney
I feel like the mask is to protect other people and the filter is to protect the wearer?
Anon
That’s what I was thinking too, I’m just wondering if there’s any evidence there on the efficacy of filters in non-medical masks? Guess it depends on what kind of filter, and I know nothing about them.
Anonymous
Just ordered some from Brave New Look- hopefully the holy grail of adjustable, nosewire and filter pocket.
My Johnny Was ones have a pocket but no nosewire.
anonn
Target, they sell 2 packs for $4. black or red. different sizes, I got a L/XL and it was a little big on me, and I have a big head, though I’m skinny so maybe the bigger sizes are meant for guys with fuller faces.
Allie
Target – they have sizes and room for a pocket and they’re cheap. What a dream, as always. Thanks!
Anon
Athleta.
Anonymous
The Athleta Everyday Non Medical don’t have a filter pocket but the Made to Move ones do
Blueberries
The children’s brand Primary has awesome masks with a filter pocket (and filters). The adult size was a little small (nose to chin) for my apparently large face, but still works ok in a pinch.
Anonymous
Kate Spade ones have room for a filter.
Senior Attorney
OMG I did not need to know that Kate Spade has masks…
Anonymous
And they are donating the profits to charity so really you’re helping people by buying them ;)
The Lone Ranger
The American Heart Association’s Heart Shop has cotton masks in cute prints with a pocket for a filter. The WearFigs.com masks have a pocket and come with 2 filters (but the masks are on back order). There were many on Etsy that had filter pockets.
Formerly Lilly
I don’t know if you would consider it a major retailer, but the beautiful Johnny Was masks have a filter pocket. I’ve been taking a disposable mask and tearing off the ear loops, then stuffing it in the filter pocket.
Anon
I got some from a local seller on Etsy.
Anon
Online dating grumble – Just had a Hinge match tell me I “should smile more in my pics.” Gross. Next?
Senior Attorney
Ugh.
Monday
NEXT. Obviously.
Cat
ugh. Tell him to finish taking Aaron Burr’s advice and talk less.
Anon
That’s awful. For a while, I wasn’t smiling in any of them. I matched with a lot of men who liked dominant women at the time… which was totally fine with me.
Anon
I should also add that this was his FIRST message to me. I’ve debated educating him before unmatching but I will probably just silently unmatch.
Ellen
Why would you even want to educate a neanterthal? If on day 1 he is an a-hole, then you can be sure you are setting up yourself for a lifetime of agony with him if you go further. I would DTMFA immediately, or better yet, do not even respond. My guess is that he has a smile like my ex, including the bad breathe and is projecting his inadequacies on to you. Can you imagine, even w/o all of the COVID consequences, having to breathe all of that in each time he started huffeing and puffeing on top of you? PTOOEY on that! No soup for you, Dad says, but he meant “s-x” b/c he knows I am not a virgin.
Thanks, it has pockets!
“Sounds like I’m not quite what you’re looking for, good luck!”
Shopaholic
One guy once told that I looked heavier in some of the pictures and it was misleading…
How to be Smarter Lawyer
I’ve been at my job 2 years now (new subject matter to me but now that newness is wearing off) and I feel like my analytical/ #strategery skills aren’t improving.
I think I’m stuck in a pattern where I keep making the same mistakes – either missing analysis I want, or taking it in a different direction. I think my bosses are frustrated and I am self-aware, but I feel like criticism sessions with the bosses are not working for me, so I don’t know how to improve or break my cycle.
Any advice? books? anecdotes that it will get better after two years of practice? Am I being hard on myself too soon?
When I google “how to improve lawyer analysis” it’s all mundane advice like “Be kind! Self-care! Build better client relationships!”
anon
Has anyone here dealt with online harassment / doxxing? I would love some resources to help as I fear this situation is going to get worse and I’m considering finding an attorney but don’t know where to start and what is considered illegal. In IL if it matters.
Anonymous
I was harassed on the internet by someone I knew. It was terrible, but it was worse for my friend (who was the primary target). It was pre-doxxing, but the person hacked a friend’s email and forwarded our chats and emails to the people we talked about (including my ex). Definitely tell the police.
In my case, they didn’t do anything but I felt better that they had a heads up if there was a physical threat later. Ultimately, it ended up being resolved when the original menace was fired from his job and moved out of state. Many people he harassed also worked at his place of employment.
It was a huge pain because you can do everything anonymously and fake emails. We couldn’t prove it was him (but it was!). That’s why the employer thing ultimately resolved it.
I also talked to a lawyer at the time who offered to send a letter. I agreed but he never followed up and neither did I. I don’t think a letter would have worked anyway.
anon
How are you storing any extra dry goods/paper products that you’re buying during pandemic times? Our pantry is super tiny — it barely qualifies as a pantry, really. Extra shelf? Big Rubbermaid container? I am usually such a grocery minimalist and avoid stockpiling, so I have nothing set up for this. But numbers are rising in my area AGAIN, and I feel like I’m foolish if I don’t grab a few extras here and there. Long term, I might like to build an extra set of cabinets in the kitchen but obviously that’s not a quick fix.
Anon
Extra shelf for canned goods. Really Useful Boxes for stuff that critters might get into— 64L for pasta, rice, and cereal, smaller for heavy stuff like baking supplies. Available via Office Depot’s website and the company’s own website. They’re a little pricey, but are easy to open/close, stack, and last forever.
Anonymous
How about a cart you can move around? Gets you partway to the cabinets you might want.
Aunt Jamesina
Ohh, this is a good idea!
Aunt Jamesina
We have a bin in our hall closet with extra dried beans, canned goods, and whatever else we can’t fit in our pantry.
Anon
I have toilet paper and paper towels in my clothes closet. We are not tp hoarders, but after what happened earlier this year, but these days we like to stay one 12-pack ahead of what we’re actively using.
I look at those room-size real housewife closets and kind of sigh, but everything that doesn’t fit somewhere else in our house tends to end up in my closet.
Anon
Oh and another suggestion. I am hardly driving anywhere now, so I have a bunch of stuff in the trunk of my car.
Bex
Hi ladies! I used to be a regular reader, but life stepped in and I’m more sporadic now. However, I have a mentee (I’m trying to help her get her life back on track) who is interested in the field of law, specifically with regard to educational law. Would any of you ladies in law be willing to answer her questions regarding the field, education, etc.? I am not in the field or I would try to help her myself. If so, you can email me at rebecca . simpsonmenzies at google’s mail service.
Anonymous
I work in education but am not a lawyer (I do work with our lawyers). Would that be helpful?
Bex
Hi Anon!
It may be, yes. I think she is exploring options at this point, and educational law appeals to her. However, with the state of the world right now, law may not be the easiest to break into (? I’m not certain, as again I’m not in the field). In that case, other options in her area of interest would probably be helpful.
Practice group transition
Question for lawyers who have switched practices, and for privacy lawyers: I’m a midlevel litigation associate coming off a federal clerkship in a few months. My recruiter threw up his hands this week and said no firms are hiring in litigation in DC, partly because of economic uncertainty and partly because there’s just less litigation with the courts still mostly closed. So, I’m on my own. A friend suggested I consider privacy, and pointed out that a lot of firms are hiring for that right now. Has anyone made the litigation –> privacy transition? Or a big post-clerkship transition? Any recommendations for things to consider, or questions to ask? I would prefer to stay in litigation, but in this economy I would rather have a job than risk unemployment while I tried to find a litigation position, so I’m just trying to figure out if a switch like this is even an option.
Thanks!