Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Cotton-Coated Dress

438 Comments

1. I have shopped almost exclusively at J.Crew for years but I am really struggling to find many business appropriate pieces there lately. Any recommendations for a similar look and price point? I have always liked a classic or preppy with a minor twist in modern color schemes which is what they have done well in the past.

   1. Same/following. I used to have a wardrobe of Jcrew, BR, Loft and Ann Taylor. I feel like I can’t get anything useful from any of them lately.

      I bought some MM Lafleur but I can’t have a closet full of it. I’m at a loss. I’m also bigger – size 14 bottom (sometimes 16 depending on what it is…), and tend to struggle even in the best of workwear times.

   2. Brooks Brothers on sale does a fairly good job of this.

      Tuckernuck is up a price point and more casual, but occasionally has a hit for me.

      Otherwise, agree it’s rough out there for “classic, quality, modernized” right now.

      1. I have found that the Factory part of BR and JCrew better for dresses lately that are work appropriate (vs classic workwear).

         Everyone in my city seems to be like dressing like Juniper Creek — long flowy dresses with white sneakers. Apparently it’s not just for the Sister Wife contingent any more?

      2. Is it better to shop in person at Brooks Brothers? I like their stuff but the website is so sparse, they don’t have much at all in the last year or so.

         1. Most of their stores don’t have a good women’s section, ime. And there are rarely sales in person. I use shoprunner for free shipping and returns.
            I just looked at their webs*te and it does look sparse, but usually that’s not the case. Not sure if that’s a transition or a sign of the new normal though.

         2. Fwiw I walked into my local Brooks brothers (a large two story store in a higher end mall) and there were literally no woman’s suits. I asked for suits – I had a court appearance – and was led upstairs where there was an entire floor of men’s suiting. The young male sales associate looked at me like I was insane when I clarified that I wanted a woman’s suit for myself. Did I step back in time? Where are lawyers buying suits these days? I considered wearing joggers and explaining to the judge that women’s suits no longer exist.

            1. Ha. I always remember the first time I went to BB to shop for myself and an associate asked me I needed help buying my dad a present. Time warp indeed!

            2. Talbots still has suits, but they seem to be about the only one.

            3. The Talbots near me don’t have suits in-store any more.

               The best I was able to do pre-pandemic when I got stuck in a 200,000 population size town 3+ hours from the nearest city was Jones New York. It’s not my most reached-for suiting/separates set but it’s fine for a meeting. In my case it was an unexpected business formal meeting.

         3. I have had the same experience and buy suits online. Brooks Brothers, Elie Tahari, L.K. Bennett, Hobbs, Lafayette 148 and Rebecca Taylor each have a style or two each season. I check those brands religiosity to snap up the designs with no weird slits or asymmetric treatment.

   3. I occasionally have luck at Talbots and Chicos, but it’s a lot of elderly resort wear to sort through to find any gems. And no offense meant to anyone elderly who favors resort wear. I too want to wear flowy caftans at a resort someday. But it’s not what I’m after for workwear!

      1. Try Theory

   4. +1. I have tried googling things like “J. Crew but up a notch” with no luck. I have resorted to looking at ThredUp, Poshmark, and the like. (I did really well on ThredUp buying the old J. Crew super 120s line. I bought stuff in my current and adjacent sizes as insurance.)

   5. I am having better luck at department stores or local department-type stores (in Houston, Tootsies and St. Bernard). They are more expensive but have a better selection than single-brand retailers.

   6. Not a ton of work stuff if you have a formal workplace, but have you looked at Boden? I feel like a lot of the stuff has a similar aesthetic and is good for interesting blouses, etc.

   7. I think you may need to consider that style is changing. When the stores no longer carry your look, your look is probably veering on being quite dated. In contrast, I’ve found tons at JCrew that I’d wear now.

      1. Ouch. I’m not sure that’s true since I see lots of things I like at stores I just can’t afford, like The Fold, Reiss, Theory, and Veronica Beard.

         1. I have found Theory at an accessible price point at Off Fifth and Last Call. Those might be worth trying.

         2. I absolutely love the same style as you OP, and do not think it is dated. It’s called classic for a reason! Business appropriate outfits in most styles are hard to find right now because of the proliferation of WFH. I’ve found some gems following Carly Riordan and SimplyElsa on Instagram–certainly a lot of their clothes are casual, but they feature a lot that would work for a business casual office or at least a non-suit office environment.

      2. I’ll push back on this. The issue is not so much a style thing but that a lot of stores stopped carrying business clothes staples. First hand experience of going to the mall and not being able to find one suit and jacket in the same fabric that didn’t have some god-forsaken jogger tuxedo pant situation (looking at you theory). That, plus the fact that Hugo Boss is decidedly not making “boring” suits anymore leaves a real hole in the market. The best options I’ve found have Banana Republic this season, with a combination of other brands curated by the stores that cater to the ladies with money crowd (every city has one).

         1. Have you looked at Bloomingdales’ Boss selection? There are a few staple “boring” suits there. I am shopping for a federal court jury trial after some weight loss, so I’m deep in this game, too.

      3. I think it depends on your office. A lot of offices have gotten a LOT more casual (hence these stores moving in that direction, though I guess it’s a chicken and egg thing) but some haven’t.

         1. +1. My office is still business formal or almost — I need to be able to put on a suit jacket over what I’m wearing at any moment. I’m in court a lot, sometimes on short notice. When I know I’m not planning to be in court, I might wear non-suit pants or a dress that I know I can put a blazer on top if needed, but 2-3 days a week I’m in an actual suit.

            OP — have you tried Theory Outlet? That’s my go to.

      4. I disagree. There aren’t any shops at all in my city and my price range selling ‘office wear’ basics (smart skirts and trousers from woven materials, for example) at the moment. And I live in a reasonably sized shopping city with many many shops that had these garments in their range previously.

      5. Maybe, but there are still a lot of us who need actual office wear. Not many retailers even have that right now! I have zero issues finding my casual look at my usual sources, including J Crew, but office stuff has been a royal pain.

      6. It’s not about being dated. It’s about being appropriate for the setting. I’m in a creative field surrounded by creatives, and I still wouldn’t show up to a client meeting in a nap dress. Heck, it’s not even that practical for my work from home days where majority of time is being spent. Brunch yes, but anything above normal business day, no.

         Suiting is in low demand unless it’s the most formal situation. But there needs to be something that doesn’t make you look like you’re on the prairie or getting ready for bed when you’re trying to look like you are the one in charge in the room.

         1. Amen to your last sentence. That’s exactly it for me. I am In Charge and need to command a room, run a meeting, make public remarks, or testify in a legislative hearing on the fly, and while I don’t need a full formal matching suit, I do need something professional that’s not all ruffles and cutouts. That’s becoming exceedingly hard to find.

      7. It’s not about being dated. It’s about being appropriate for the setting. I’m in a creative field surrounded by creatives, and I still wouldn’t show up to a client meeting in a nap dress. Heck, it’s not even that practical for my work from home days where majority of time is being spent. Brunch yes, but anything above normal business day, no.

         Suiting is in low demand unless it’s the most formal situation. But there needs to be something that doesn’t make you look like you’re on the prairie or getting ready for bed when you’re trying to look like you are the one in charge in the room.

      8. So, you may be confusing what is in fashion with what is appropriate to wear to work. It’s a common error if you have not been in the work place long.

         1. This. And the fact that others are making the same mistake does not change the fact that it is inappropriate.

      9. I absolutely agree. Style is changing. Lawyers who need a suite for court are a very small subset of the working population. I am in finance and have not seen another women in a matching jacket and skirt suit in 5 years. Women-in-charge wear sheath dresses with blazers. trousers with non-matching blazers, or pencil skirts with silk blouses and jardigans in authoritative colors.

      10. I think this is generally true but doesn’t apply to OP— going to court is maybe the one occasion you actually do still need a formal suit.

   8. The Fold. Which apparently isn’t short-pear-friendly. But if it fit, I’d start there or Boss or Max Mara.

      1. I love their stuff but cannot begin to afford it. It’s about twice J.Crew if now more.

      2. Who IS pear-friendly, please?

         1. Ann Taylor used to be better than most (certainly better than J Crew!), but I haven’t shopped there recently.

   9. Antonio Melani from Dillards.

      1. I think trying on a million items at a Dillards or Macys is a good way to buy work clothes right now.

         1. +1

            Otherwise, the Fold when they have sales

         2. Antonio Melani still has silk blouses (short sleeve and long sleeve), traditional blazers, suit pants, suit skirts, and dresses in suiting material. I love their stuff and it really holds up well.

      2. +1, I don’t like their suiting, but their silk tops are great, as are their sweaters.

   10. You might try Brooks Brothers, Hobbs, and L.k. Bennett. Hobbs is at Bloomingdales with Basler.

   11. I don’t wear suits anymore, but my staples used to be from Elie Tahari. Just checked the website – once I got past the “1992 Spiegel catalog” vibe, there were some solid suiting basics. I am a busty pear and their dresses/skirts/blazers were true to size and fit me well. Pricier than BR but decent sales and great deals If you are lucky to live near an outlet.

   12. You can “build” a suit at BlackMarketWhiteHouse.

   13. I like buying Vince used on thredup or poshmark to hit this spot.

   14. I have had luck shopping used and consignment for formal pieces! In amazing condition and at great prices – I think a lot of people divested workwear in the pandemic

2. Yay! Elizabeth, I love this dress Elizabeth! I wonder if I buy the dress would Nordstrom’s split the charge into three or 4 seperate charges? Dad gets my statements and mabye he wouldn’t notice if they made 4 invoices of $650 each? I know he will see it if it were one invoice. He told me once before that his first car did not cost as much as I spend each month, and this one would be off the charts. So I am hoping the HIVE has some ideas, as they I am sure have dealt with their DH’s and their scowling at when we spend money on ourself. Of course, they can spend all kinds of money on greasy stuff for their cars or motorcycles or whatever. What a doubel standard! FOOEY!

   Also, I wanted to tell the hive that I am now getting pretty good at playing WORDLE and wonder if Kat could do a thread on WORDLE now that there are people in the HIVE that are playing the game on the Internet? This way, we could check our answers against each other, and get tips and ideas on how to solve the puzzle in 6 tries or less, like they suggest. I think that now that I am getting it about 2/3 of the time, we can have a thread here on Corporette to see how we, as professional women, do and think about this game. I have stopped playing Candy Crush now that there is Wordle, and I really only want to focus on one game at a time. This is the first thinking game I’ve played since the crossword, tho I really like Angry Birds. Let us know after you’ve checked with Kat! YAY!!

3. How does Hobbs sizing run? I am pretty consistently a 2 or XS in US brands, but I am tall so occasionally get a S. Is the US returns process a pain?

   1. If you order from Bloomingdales it’s a very easy return process, otherwise yes, it’s a pain to return internationally. Sizing is very TTS if you know your British size – the cut tends to be a bit longer and more straight up/down. I’m a 2/4 in mall brands, 6 in designer, and almost always take a UK 6/US 10 there.

      1. Where is there a country of short-ish (5-4) people who are pears? I need to discover and order from their clothing brands.

         1. I feel your pain. I’m a touch over 5’4 so too ‘tall’ for petite’s, but ‘regular’ sizes are always too long. Ugh.

         2. Too funny! This describes me, and I like Brooks Brothers, Hobbs and L.K. Bennett.

            1. I wear all of those as well but I have to take at least 1-2 inches off my hems for every dress/skirt I buy from those brands. The waists/arms are generally fine as my torso/arms are long for my height.

   2. unfortunately I haven’t found their sweater sizing to be consistent. I’m anywhere from an XS to a M. 34C, usually a 6 in structured tops in US sizes. Agree to order from Bloomingdale’s!

   3. I think Hobbs runs quite large. I’m in the UK, but compared to other UK brands I usually go down one size. I find the clothes are cut large round the hips for me, so probably good if you a more pear shaped.

   4. I am very short-waisted and only 5-4 and everything I’ve bought from & Other Stories seems to be cut for someone quite a bit taller than me with a long torso. They are IIRC Swedish, so skewing maybe for a taller population overall.

   5. The returns process was a bit painful in that it took a very long time (like 6 weeks) for it to wend its way back to the UK and then for my refund to be issued.

4. On this model it looks like a raincoat. But if it was more tailored, I bet Kate Middleton would wear it with boots that cost more than my car.

   1. I lovvvvve this.

5. I have two closets — one upstairs, where the walls are plaster. One downstairs, made of drywall. How does something die inside the walls of both of them at the same time? And no part of life prior to this HGTV watching suggests a path forward. Just wait it out — at some point the critter will go back to being the dust of which it came? Call the pest control guys? Or the critter control people? I could get to the crawl space below the downstairs closet and could see nothing dripping or signs of a disturbance. If I knew what had gotten in or from where, I could try to chicken wire / good stuff up the gap, but in prior years the most that every happened was some mice in the crawl space (crawl space traps are untouched, so whatever died does not like peanut butter or came in another way) and periodic roaches (this is in the SEUS, so typical). There are some tall trees that I guess a squirrel could climb and maybe drop onto the roof from, but from putting away xmas decorations in the attic, I didn’t see anything that looks like critters had gotten in.

   In the meantime, #grateful I can work from an office today while leaving the windows open on a sunny day so this can air out a bit.

   1. Just wait it out. The awful smell will only last a few days. I’ve been there, and I’m sorry!!

   2. This happened in my office wall a while back, and my only solution was to tear into the wall (concrete foundation, no access through the ceiling) or wait it out. I waited it out and eventually, yes, the creature did go back to the dust of which it came.

      It is not an elegant solution.

   3. ughhhhh that’s awful. I hate everything about critter infestations and am the most irrational person when dealing with them. I suppose you can’t burn it all down or just leave the house forever entirely, although that is always my first reaction.

      1. Same. I have never owned a gun. My first reaction the first time I saw a mouse in my house: you are lucky I don’t have a weapon. I can bludgeon a roach with no hesitation but something about me can’t do that to a mammal. The trail of little mouse poops is so nasty. It seems that they are constantly dropping pellets, no?

         1. You sound like you at least have a little more rational reaction – I just freeze, then possibly shriek with fear and get as far as possible away from the stupid little thing. Bugs and spiders, no problem – I’ll even probably relocate them outside. But rodents need to just disappear – my brain literally cannot even handle what to do.

            Even worse than the pellets for me is the sound of them scratching around. When I was growing up we’d get mice and I would lay paralyzed in my bed and tuck my blankets super tight all around me if I heard a mouse moving around.

   4. Yes, the smell will go away in a few days.

      If you don’t know where it got in, I’d definitely suggest calling a pest control company that specializes in rodents to come out and do a review of the house to make sure it’s sealed up so no more critters can get in.

      And my sympathies. We waged a multi-year battle with rodents and I’m still traumatized even though it was ultimately (knock on wood) successful.

   5. There’s a product called rat-sorb which is phenomenal at exactly the odors you’re experiencing.

6. I need to revamp my entire work wardrobe, and I’m having the hardest time finding professional workwear that fits the bill. I’m taking on a more senior role that will require daily interaction with our most senior leaders of my company, and I need to dress the part. Most of my pre-COVID clothes are a little too snug and too casual, so I’m pretty much starting from scratch. Pre-COVID, most of my wardrobe was from Boden, Ann Taylor, and Nordstrom, but I’m not impressed with their current workwear selections. Part of the challenge is that I’m cusp-sized (14/16) with a large b*st and wide hips. Style-wise, I prefer dresses in breathable, stretchy fabrics that I can pair with a structured cardigan or blazer. I’ve ordered a few things from M.M. LaFleur, but I need more options. Any store suggestions?

   Relatedly, how does Of Mercer’s sizing run?

   1. BR Factory dresses have been very size-flux-friendly and the best of anything I’ve looked at over the pandemic. Formerly, lots of MMLF structured dresses or BR suits, now I need something a bit more forgiving / a size up, and comfortable or wearable with not-heels would be great.

   2. BR Factory is where I’ve gotten most, if not all, of my new work clothes

      1. Yeah they are not messing around lately. The styling is a little odd as shown, but in real life these pieces would work in many offices: https://bananarepublicfactory.gapfactory.com/browse/category.do?cid=1060445&nav=meganav%3AWomen%3ADiscover%3AWork%20of%20Art#department=136

         1. These are all great, actually. I usually don’t buy clothes new, but I may have to stop by BR Factory soon.

   3. You might like a couple of the dresses from Universal Standard. I don’t like 75+% of what they offer but the pieces I do like I really like.

   4. Halsbrook?

   5. Hugo Boss for women.

   6. Lafayette 148? Lots on poshmark. I also like nydj or mix & Zoe for pants – both come in plus sizes too. Talbots has cusp sizes too. Drool at l’honore.

7. based on the number of threads about where on earth to find actual comfortable but appropriate office clothes lately, HELLO RETAILERS you know how you were stuck with truckloads of office attire you couldn’t sell this time in 2020? The same is about to happen for sweatpants that still look like sweatpants.

   1. well to be fair, retailers tend to have to plan in advance and it’s not like they received an email telling them when people would be returning to the office

   2. +1. I have not bought into the work-appropriate sweatpants craze. They’re not fooling anyone!

      1. I do work in a more casual office, but J Crew Factory has some pants called pintuck sweatpants, something like that, and they are truly sweats that don’t look exactly like sweats. Definitely casual, but the weight of the fabric and style of pants (elastic only in the back of the waist, not gathered at the bottom) makes them work-appropriate for me.

   3. I mean, all these threads are kind of rich when for the last two years people here have been saying they’ll never wear workwear again.

      1. I won’t wear heels again and you can hold me to that, but yeah I’m never going to float into a business meeting in a prairie dress and sneakers.

         1. This. I’m at an MBB and while I can absolutely agree on never wearing heels again there is no way on earth I am going into a meeting in a nap dress. There are more sneakers in our offices than I expected but they tend to be paired with slacks and button downs/blazers on the men – the women are wearing more combat boots/stompy loafers vs. sneakers.

      2. Also, FYI, we are not all one person “here.”

   4. Buy vintage clothes.

8. It is Monday, it is cold, I am tired, my family is sick, I am already behind at work, and I am wondering if the poster who was contemplating a cabin in the woods far away from everyone making demands on her is looking for a roommate?

   1. I know of a cabin for you – it’s even by a creek and is one of my favorite places. It’s vacant right now, although probably inhabited by mice. You can see my feelings above about mice infestations.

   2. I’ll join you. I’ve been off my normal work travel schedule due to strikes, and am ready to get back, just to have a bit of time on my own.

   3. I posted something similar, I wonder if it’s my thread you are thinking of (but I think there were others) still hoping to escape,my dog just puked on the floor cause he’s sick :(

      1. Solidarity on cleaning up the dog vomit today. This is not my best life.

   4. I’m not sure if I’m that poster since I think this has become a common fantasy… but I did post a year and a half ago about building a cabin and then I did actually have it built! It’s nearly finished and I am running away to it in a couple months. Every time I have to deal with some normal city-person BS, I think about how I will be running away to the cabin soon.

      Unfortunately I was able to get high speed internet, so work is following me there.

      1. Congrats on getting your cabin!

         1. Thanks! It’s been a heck of a project.

   5. I’ll join you. Maybe a commune in the woods would be the way to go.

   6. All great suggestions, but I’d recommend drinking like 16 ox of water after s** and dmannose or cranberry pulls. That did the trick for me. Also ask for antibiotics other than macrobid. Macrobid didn’t work and I think they prescribed something starting with C.

      1. Love this thread fail—the juxtaposition made my morning.

   7. I was the poster who wrote to Dear Prudie about that… still haven’t found my cabin

   8. I will join you. We will call it a retreat.
      I had a doctor’s appt this morning (for something annoying but not even remotely life threatening) and they offered a test procedure. I asked “What will this do to the rest of my day?” And was disappointed when they said that I would be absolutely fine to go to work.
      Related note, I’ve been telling my husband that this is an up and coming niche market… wifi-less retreats in nature for the stressed. Yoga, massages, horseback riding, whiskey tasting, mug painting all optional. whole section of silent individual cells for those in need of serious detox. He hasn’t quite bought in yet.

      1. For the silent individual cells – the Dhamma organization that teaches Vipassana meditation has some larger meditation centers that have individual cells for advanced practitioners. I don’t think they do it for the beginners – I’m assuming you need to go through a 10 day silent meditation retreat where you’re in dorms with others (that’s what I did) before you advance to the silent individual cells (not what I will be doing :)). Just wanted to throw it out there, because it kinda exists. :D

   9. I feel you! At the dentist for pain at 9 am this morning, I learned I probably have a cracked tooth and may need a root canal… the kicker is that I only got my adult braces off 3 years ago!

9. I’ve we got an appointment scheduled with a urologist, but while I’m waiting, I wonder if anyone’s had anything like this. Up to last year, I’d gotten maybe two urinary tract infections in my life. Then, I got one in June. It was at the end of a “romantic” vacation, no big shock. Then I took another more family-oriented trip in July, but came back with another. Then another in November, for no apparent reason, and again in January and then February. Now another started this weekend.

   For context, I’m 42 and have had 2 kids (6+ years ago). I’ve been trying really hard to do all the things – cranberry pills, pee after sex, etc., but they keep coming. What has happened to me!?

   1. is it possible it’s actually the same one that’s just recurrent? Like – some of the original one was resistant to the first antibiotic, so symptoms abated but then came back in a different version?

   2. Re-wearing swimwear too many times between washings has had this effect on me. No fun.

      1. Hmm, I never thought of that (and I honestly very rarely wash my swimsuits). Though I’m sure that’s not the issue here, since I usually only swim in summer. Interesting, though.

   3. Are they definitely infections? As in the cultures have come back positive? You definitely need cultures to answer this question, because you might not have infections at all, or you might have an antibiotic resistant infection that’s never really going away, rather than recurring infections. If you don’t have infections, interstitial cystitis or issues with pelvic floor muscles are a possibility.

      1. I haven’t had them all cultured (a few times just got an rx over the phone), but the ones that have been are coming back positive, and the symptoms go away with antibiotics. I’ll definitely ask about the possibility of something not going completely away.

         1. Also wanted to add that a culture is not the same as a test–they are two different processes.

      2. I am here to second that. I have pelvic floor pain and it definitely feels like a UTI and when they do the test it often comes back positive for a UTI, but when they culture it, it does not. Pelvic floor therapy has been helpful.

         1. Yes, same!

   4. Are you taking antibiotics?

      1. I have been each time I’ve had one (Macrobid), though I haven’t started any yet for this one. I always am careful about finishing the course.

   5. I got into the same situation – although I never had it fully diagnosed, I’m convinced that it was a recurrent infection that never fully resolved in between, despite numerous weeks, or even a month+ in between subsequent infections. Eventually I nuked it a few times in pretty quick succession (using the longer course of pills, versus the powder stuff that you only take twice) and it has been gone for years after 12 months of on-again-off again.

      1. That’s helpful, thanks!

   6. You didn’t mention D-mannose. I don’t know if that’s legit or not, but I think it’s at least as legit as cranberry.

      1. D-mannose only works against E. coli FYI

         1. All the more reason to culture!

      2. D-mannose is way more legit than cranberry. I highly, highly recommend it.

   7. I had something similar happen! It was a terrible year, but I did eventually get things figured out, and have returned to the non-UTI life. One issue is that having one UTI makes you more likely to have another, sadly. Also, there are a lot of antibiotic resistance issues (make sure they’re doing a culture to see which antibiotic works). There are 3 main frontline antibiotics: macrobid, bactrim, and cipro. I had two different antibiotic resistances in my 8 months of UTI suffering, so the fact that you’ve had macrobid every time makes me wonder if it’s not clearing the infection fully. There’s also some research about the biofilm (basically, an infection can retreat but then come back). In addition to treating my active infections, the other thing that helped me a lot was taking a single dose of antibiotics every time I had s*x for about a year.

      In addition to antibiotics, I would recommend d-mannose (you can get it in the supplements section or at a health food store). Take it after s*x. You can also take it more regularly (like daily), and take it when you have an active infection. It is actually effective. The UTI startup Uqora also sells a product called “Target,” but it’s more expensive (and I think mostly d-mannose). And try to avoid or reduce acid, carbonation, sugar, etc, as all that can irritate your bladder (beer, wine, and juice were all bad for me).

      Good luck! UTIs are terrrrrrible.

      1. I thought I had recurrent bladder infections and it turns out it was irritable bladder that was largely caused by consuming carbonated drinks, specifically LaCroix. I quit the LaCroix and the problem resolved pretty fast.

   8. I used to get them a lot and eventually went on prophylactic antibiotics – I took a single macrobid every time we did the dirty. Then I got lazy about it and didn’t take them every time, just got really responsible about getting up to pee afterwards every single time, no matter how sleepy I am, no matter how warm the bed is and cold the room is, I just do it. It sucks and I hate it but if I don’t, I get a UTI. I also think fingers are bad and I really had to show my husband in great detail where it is ok to touch and where it isn’t, and no it isn’t ok to just glide from one spot to the other … sorry if this is TMI, but honestly this is how most of us get them so we have to be honest.

      The other thing is having good habits around drinking a LOT of water, and not holding it. I am no longer in the habit of saying “I will just get through this meeting/this last 45 minutes of this drive/ wait till the movie is over” I go when I have to go and not a minute later. Holding it is not the thing to do for someone with recurrent UTIs.

      Last, wiping. Look it up because I won’t want to get into it here but make absolutely sure your bathroom hygiene is all about preventing UTIs.

      1. Yeah. Also I figured out my SO and I have to actually wash our hands immediately before starting (not hand sanitizer). Not the most fun but I stopped getting UTIs right away.

   9. Had this when I hit 41/42. It was the same infection that kept coming back because a 5 day antibiotic dosage wasn’t cutting it. They did a culture and changed drugs and put me on a 7 day dosage. Magic.

10. Has anyone frozen their eggs and can talk about the process? Really looking for anything and everything – time involved, financial aspect, etc. I would be doing this for peace of mind, as I’m turning 34 soon, just broke up with my boyfriend, and feeling immense pressure. I’ve also been reading lots of articles that talk about very low rates of success, so any thoughts on that would also be appreciated. Just feeling kind of lost right now.

    1. Best of luck to you and I hope you get helpful responses.

    2. I looked into it a lot when having a cancer diagnosis. IIRC, embryos freeze/thaw better than eggs, but then what if you are partnered up and the issue is eggs and your partner wants it to be his baby, too? I wasn’t sure what to do re that at the time (now, maybe have some of each). A woman in my class in school had kids 20 months apart as a single mom (with LOTS of family support), so I know that people can do this outside of the partner aspect of it. [And with her, I think she felt like it would be hard to adopt as a single woman vs having the babies and being entitled to maternity leave and not have the issues and uncertainty that foster-to-adopt can bring (we have a well-known local nightmare story re that).] Ultimately, I couldn’t have afforded it and was emotionally overwhelmed with the cancer part.

    3. Best of luck to you. It’s worth at least having an initial workup, checking labs including AMH, getting follicle count. I agree it may be worthwhile to freeze both some eggs and some embryos with donor sperm since the successful thaw rate is much higher for embryos.

    4. I froze my eggs at 36 and had a baby with them last year – so there are success stories out there! Feel free to post a burner email if you want to chat about the process.

    5. I did one round and will do another. I’m fortunate that I have the cash to do so, and decided it was worth the effort because I know I want kids and thanks to a health scare, know what the place of fearing I may not get to have them feels like. I’m single and not ready to be a parent alone (in a pandemic).

       I thought of it as making sure future me knows I tried, so she can more easily deal with what life throws at her. Also, adoption is so hard and expensive, it seemed like buying a potential option on myself. Maybe it won’t be worth anything, but the other approaches to motherhood are also expensive.

       Know that it was emotionally harder than I was expecting and I did more poorly than expected. (Plus no idea if the eggs will defrost and make a baby, if needed.) i still feel it was worth it for me, but the money didn’t derail any of my other plans. If it was more of a binary choice between down payment or egg freezing, and not just contributing less to my taxable brokerage retirement savings, I don’t know how I’d feel.

       Good luck!

       1. This is also me. Froze 8 at age 37 across 3 cycles (1 failed), was lucky to get even 8, and did so knowing 15-20 was much better odds for a single birth. I’m 43 now and hoping technology catches up a bit for use in the next 2-3 years (my PCP had no real concerns about my ability to carry a child up to late 40’s).

    6. I did it. It wasn’t that bad. It can depend on location but I think average cost is about $10k and then you have to pay for storage. Basically you go in for an initial appointment to see where you are, get blood work done to check your AMH level which gives the doctor an idea of your ovarian reserves. You’ll have an ultrasound to check your ovarian follicles. Once you are on day 3 of your period you start the actual process of injections and blood work. The injections aren’t that bad once you get the hang of it. Breaking through the skin was the hardest part for me at first. I have bad veins and the blood work every other day was tough. I bruised on my arm. Then you go in for the retrieval. You have to take a day or two off of work for the procedure and then see how you feel the next day. Overall it’s not bad. Whole process is like two to three months but only 2 weeks of actual injections and then retrieval. However, it’s not really an insurance policy like people say. It can be expensive for some and not everyone gets the ideal 15-25 eggs. People in relationships can retrieve 13 eggs and only freeze one viable embryo that doesn’t even take upon implantation. It’s not a guarantee! I think it’s still a good idea to do one round so you don’t have any regrets in the future. Feel free to ask any other questions!

       1. Second all of this, I would start the lab and follicle count process and see what you’re working with. If your AMH is really low (predicting serious fertility issues), that may be a big thumb on the scale. I started this process at 33 expecting I was totally average in this department and discovered I had diminished ovarian reserve. My then boyfriend became my fiance somewhere along the way (it was a long process for me bc of some other health issues that popped up and slowed me down) and we ended up trying to freeze embryos together. We ended up doing a freeze round (got one little embryo) and then switched to a live transfer round. Got pregnant on the first full IVF cycle, used our single embryo two years later for our second, and am pregnant now with a donor egg for our third.

    7. I did it for fertility preservation. We chose to freeze eggs and not embryos because our clinic said that the success rates are now virtually identical because of advances in technology. We needed 8 eggs to have a 70% chance of a live birth, and we got 20. Success rates are different for freezing eggs when you are young with a high AMH vs. coming in with an existing infertility diagnosis. They are also different by clinic. The quality of clinic matters. Our process was covered by insurance through my employer (with a $2,000 deductible) because of my cancer diagnosis. Amazon also has an egg freezing benefit that does not require an onco-fertility or infertility diagnosis, but I don’t know the details. The shots were annoying but fine. The last one (trigger shot), I had to inject into the muscle of my backside, which was a bit of a trip but really fine. I was sore the week prior to the retrieval (20 large eggs!) and the week after. I am so glad I did it.

    8. Merritt Beck has a podcast episode about this that I found very helpful and encouraging. Good luck <3

11. We got rid of a lot of snow over the weekend….so it snowed last night/this morning. Happy March! Fresh snow is prettier than dirty frozen dead grass and dirt, so there is that.

    Also, I was catching up on threads from last week over the weekend and realized I posted a quick flippant comment (the 98% of people wearing no masks at conferences comment) about conferences/masks last week and then got busy and ghosted the thread and there were some follow up replies to it – y’all are totally right, I should have provided location and industry context. I’m in an upper midwestern state, male dominated construction adjacent industry, and attend up to 8 regional conferences/1 national conference a year. My estimated percentage came from a conference I attended first week of February – there were 400 attendees and I saw two people wearing masks – I presented and worked in the exhibit hall so I think I saw a good amount of the people. In October I attended a conference ~800 attendees and there were only a small handful wearing masks. So that’s where I was basing the 98% percentage on, although in retrospect it would have been better to just give the context and not throw a percentage on there. I generally dislike random percentages so just wanted to correct myself since I did it. I don’t actually really care about masks either way at this point; was just offering my experience – although my conferences are going to be a much different demographic than many here so take it or leave it.

    1. I will say that DH is attending a conference in Texas this week and not only are masks required, but so is proof of negative test and proof of vaccination.

       1. My DH is attending a large masks-required conference in two weeks. They sent out an email over the weekend affirming that masks are still required.

          I think a conference with hundreds or thousands of people mixing from across the country or globe is quite different than most other situations, and masks will likely persist longer for conferences than other scenarios.

    2. I went to a mask mandatory full-day work event last fall and I was the only one wearing a mask our of about 150 colleagues attending. It was packed with no social distancing. And everyone came up to tell me that it was ok to take off my mask. It was horrible and then about a week later, many of those who attended were unexpectedly out of the office an unavailable.

       Today is our first day in the office without mandatory masks, and we were told it would be better to not wear masks when interfacing with those outside our organization so no one feels uncomfortable. Apparently, they don’t care if I feel uncomfortable.

       1. It’s weird and annoying that people were coming up to you telling you you could take off your mask. Like you didn’t realize that from all the other people not wearing masks. Insert eye roll. FWIW, I am comfortable not wearing masks at conference but besides observing that you are wearing a mask, I’m not making any kind of judgment about why and am certainly not going to comment on it.

          1. Yeah, I hate that too. My town has eased up on masking rules but before the argument from anti-maskers was always “well people can choose to wear them if they want to, but don’t make us” and now that people are exercising that choice they’re all pissy.

       2. WTF? As a customer/client I definitely feel uncomfortable if the person I am dealing with is not wearing a mask. I would probably quit doing business with your company if I had the power to do so.

       3. I’m going to my first in person conference tomorrow. It’s vaccination and mask required but I’m dreading actual behavior at this thing, particularly if anyone gets in my face about wearing my mask.

          The good news is that I’ve forgotten how to behave after these two years, so I may just punch them in the face. Who knows. Stay tuned.

    3. Bonnie Kate, I so appreciate you coming back to clarify! I was wondering where you were and what industry.

       1. :) I saw the comments and I was like, oh shoot yeah my og comment wasn’t the whole story at all and probably isn’t even applicable to a lot of people here! I know it’s especially hard right now for people who are immunocompromised to figure out what is going on – it’s hard enough to know what is expected/the norm for me who doesn’t have such high stakes.

          1. Yeah, my life is like “ok so how do I imitate a fit test for an N95?”. But as I’ve said before, our nanny does not mask in our home, because we want our daughter to see faces and lips. And my family is all over the country, with different attitudes towards masks and vaccines (with sometimes very sad outcomes, but folks are largely ok). So I 100% understand the nuance.

    4. FWIW I work in a sciencey government job and there is basically 100% mask compliance at the very limited number of IRL events that have happened. So this is very related to demographics.

       1. I accompanied my husband at a conference, and I agree that the demographics of the industry will determine mask compliance more than anything. There was very little mask wearing – like maybe 15 people out of 500 at any given time. The conference was in a country that required negative tests to enter at least.

    5. I mean, yes – they have moved on. So should you. If you want to wear a mask, that’s awesome! No one should judge you for that. But you also shouldn’t judge other people for choosing to move on when, if they’re vaccinated, they have very little chance of becoming seriously ill. We did not mandate masks for flu/cold prevention either.

       And for those who point out kids: KIDS ARE NOT VULNERABLE. For a group that loves to say “follow” the science, you really should read actually statistics on kids and COVID.

       For those who point out the immunocompromised and disabled – it’s funny that you only care about a specific segment of the population with disabilities – not the deaf or hard of hearing, for whom masks make life more difficult, nor those with speech delays that would benefit from mask-less interactions.

       1. Honestly if we wanted Fox News we could just turn on the tv. We know you don’t care about anyone but yourself. You’ve made that clear repeatedly.

          1. No, I just can read statistics and don’t want to live in irrational fear forever. If you want to stay home, stay home yourself.

             1. Nice try but I’m an actuary.

             2. And you’re obnoxious.

             3. How you can look at what you wrote and not think you’re the obnoxious one here is beyond me.

          2. +1 OANN is disinformation

             1. Not the Anon you’re both replying to, but if you think this very tame idea is only coming from OANN you need to get out from under your rock.

             2. Yea I don’t watch OANN/Fox News except for random clips on Twitter making fun of Tucker Carlson but I don’t see any of these points as controversial either

             3. Yep, also not the OG anon, but agreed – get out from under your rock. This is the kind of stuff Democratic governors are saying. I’m a Democrat.

                I don’t think it’s a coincidence that these covid cautious threads aren’t getting many replies anymore. I’d imagine a good chunk of this board agrees with the idea that we need to get back to normal, but since you’re told you’re a Fox News or OANN lover when you say it, they don’t.

             4. You’re seriously comparing risk of death and severe disease to the impact of masks on the hard of hearing? Don’t try to divide and conquer the disabled community this way.

             5. “I don’t think it’s a coincidence that these covid cautious threads aren’t getting many replies anymore.”

                This would be the better way to handle these threads, IMO – ignore the provoking comments that are trying to get people to argue about masks for the umpteenth time. I have come to the conclusion that some of the folks here who feel marginalized, ignored and/or looked over in their personal and professional lives are coming here and starting fights so they can feel seen/heard. If you read the posts, there’s no meaningful effort to engage (and honestly – what more could be said that hasn’t been said thousands of times already in the last two years). It’s mostly just one-liner insults and accusations of being insensitive to disabled or immunocompromised people. If we stopped responding to this stuff, these people would have to get their fuel somewhere else and they would move on. They keep coming back and starting the same fights over and over because it’s emotionally satisfying for them to do so. I feel like this is going back to Internet 101 but feel the need to say it. Those of us who don’t hold extremist views are letting ourselves get drawn into these meaningless, pointless, and unresolvable conversations. Better to just see the comment and keep scrolling and not engage.

          3. Not the poster you’re criticizing, but it’s not a Fox or OANN thing. It’s a science and statistics and risk/benefit analysis thing. Covid is bad and it’s sad that people can still catch it, but 12:08 is correct that kids are not vulnerable.

             1. One pediatrician pointed out that if adults didn’t catch COVID-19 at all, and only kids ever got it, how would we feel about a brand new #1 cause of infectious death among children? If this new highly contagious disease didn’t kill kids at all, but only caused long COVID symptoms like dysautonomia and lung problems, how would we be reacting? I agree with the pediatrician that we’d probably be taking a lot of precautions.

       2. I’m totally with you, OP. This board has been extremely Covid-cautious since the very beginning, some of it bordering on irrational paranoia. It really makes me wonder how those posters make rational decisions at work, since their risk analysis for Covid is so illogical

          1. I don’t think the majority of super-Covid-cautious people posting here are actually employed. You can tell by their posting patterns (they’ll spend all day going back in to the same thread over and over and replying to people). I think they’re here because there are people here who will engage with them, either trying to counter what they’re saying or co-signing it. I don’t think they’re here for career advice.

       3. Kids ARE vulnerable but I agree death and Mis-C are rare. But: vaccinated 5-11 year olds arent protected at all against anything else – and 1/3 of all people who get covid (especially mild infections) get long covid – as a parent that’s my primary concern. If a bit of cautiousness now can help prevent my kids from the major heart, lung, and brain damage we’re seeing, I’m ok with that.

       4. Will you look at these 2 “Anons” going at it? I wish Kat would have a rule banning the ability to be an “Anon” because it is hard to figure out why they are cowering behind their Anon names. I have always stood up for what I believed in, and even tho some times people have disagreed with me, the overwhelming number of people on this sight who are not Anons do not like it when others are Anons. I have always been me, and that has done me well, both in my work life as well as my personal life. I encourage all Anon’s to start using their real names. Ptooey on Anons!

12. This happens to me quite a lot while online dating. I’m wondering if it’s me or if its them. I get annoyed and lose any interest in meeting. The latest: We started chatting online. After a week he asked if I’d like to meet during both of our business hours. I said I’d prefer to talk on the phone first (and meet after hours when we do meet.) We made plans to talk the next night at 6pm. A couple of hours before 6pm I get a message that he has a meeting in PST that may run hours and can we talk the next night. My spidy sense is tingling. We talk the next night, and it goes well. Then we try to schedule another time to talk. After a few failed attempts (he is busy or I am busy), I say would you just like to grab coffee Sunday morning? He says yes, 9am is good. Then a few hours later I get a message his friend wants to leave at 10am for an overnight beach trip a few hours away. I say, oh, did you want to do 8:30am? He says the only way that would work is if you drove to my part of town. I say we will do it another time. He continues to send a text a day and I have lost all interest in meeting. ASSUMING HE IS NOT MARRIED OR DATING SOMEONE is this generally annoying behavior and it’s reasonable I do not want to meet, or is this just the lives of two busy individuals?

    1. He needs to make an effort. If it’s actually reasonable to think he might be married based on him blowing you off, don’t waste your time.

    2. This is annoying behavior, cut your losses now.

    3. I tend to give people a lot of leeway in changing plans with me, but I got annoyed on your behalf as I read through all that. I vote reasonable you do not want to meet.

       1. same!

          1. Totally. Move on.

    4. I would also not want to meet this person. Assuming he’s not otherwise committed (a HUGE assumption here), he sounds flakey. I can’t tell from what you’ve shared, but this goes double if he’s canceling and not immediately proposing an alternate time (like, are you having to do all the work to reschedule?)

       This could all also mean that he’s prioritizing other things besides dating, which is fine and everyone has a right to do. But I would worry about being last on the priority list during a time when the relationship should be fun and easy.

       1. I agree. You may be dealing with a serial texter / low talker who may not be all that much into you for some reason. Perhaps he has divined that you will not meet his needs and does not want to invest much time since your mannerisms have led him to believe you are not going to cater to him. I say give him one more chance, and an ultimatum to show up, and if he declines, then DTMFA for good.

    5. TBH, I would not want to meet before noon on a weekend. Maybe it’s just me and I’m weird, but weekends are precious blocks of time and I don’t give away pieces to strangers (especially when it interferes with friends). I’m a planner though, so I’d meet for coffee on a weekday (and would stick to a plan once made). I really don’t like people who flake on a plan, so if you are likely to flake, know yourself and don’t make a plan to a new person you are likely to break.

       1. Yeah, there is NO WAY I’d ever want to go on a first date at 8:30 am on a weekend.

    6. When I was online dating, my rule was meet immediately and don’t bother talking on the phone. I found adding that step never increased the likelihood of success in an actual match and if anything, was more awkward because we’d never met. I also had a “needs to be convenient for me” rule, but that would never be let’s meet for breakfast or at some weird time. I think you may want to adjust your approach to skipping the calls (I’d reschedule you too if something came up at work. A call is very low commitment and I haven’t met you.) and make dates at normal times, like after work during the week.

       1. +1

       2. +1

          Ad a veteran online dater this is good advice.

       3. +1. Skip all the texting and calling and jump to meeting in person in a public space ASAP. If a guy didn’t jump at the chance to meet me in person, I would move on.

       4. +3 (been online dating on and off now for years)

    7. If it happens consistently, particularly if he is cancelling for things like “emergency beach weekend” vs. he’s a surgeon called into emergency surgery and not making an effort to reschedule, I would assume he’s just not that into you for whatever reason. You are his Plan B or Plan C.

       1. But he has not even met her yet! Of course she’s not high priority. OP, you need to meet faster. Staging it all via endless emails, then the phone, then video, etc. is too much work for anyone on either side. No one is going to twist their schedule around for the promise of a good profile. You need to actually meet.

    8. I would move on. Going to an overnight beach trip starting on Sunday? That then extends to being away on a Monday? Also, technically he made plans with you first and decided to do something else (that’s not an emergency) without the effort or flexibility to salvage the first plan, eg meeting up earlier like you suggested or starting the trip an hour later. Just this latest scheduling episode alone is making me take pause. That aside, if you don’t feel good about the interactions for whatever reason it’s fair to walk. I can already sense friction and irritation which is not how I’d want to approach a relationship.

    9. He said, “we could meet Tuesday night when I am back in town”. Which still wasn’t directly asking me out or setting a time. He was the one that proposed meeting in the middle of the day, which I said no. I have to say in all the time I have done online dating the men continue to come up with something new and weird I have not seen before. My tolerance at this point after years of periodic online is gone. He just texted, “the weather is great here in Miami”. I can’t even muster up a reply. I don’t care that the weather is great in Miami today for some person I have never met.

       1. “The weather is great here in Miami.” – Ugh why do people do that? Just enjoy your weather, telling me about it isn’t actually sharing the good weather with me, it’s just rubbing in that my weather actually sucks.

       2. So he is trying! You can assume positive intent and suggest meeting Tuesday for a drink after work, or move on. Personally, I’d go for the drink.

          1. If it was me, I’d go for the drink IF he sets it up everything about it: suggesting a specific time and place without any prompting at all from OP.

             1. Agreed. A text about the weather (from a trip he used to cancel their first date) does not count as trying. It’s just bread-crumbing. I don’t know that I’d still be interested at all at this point, but I agree that if they do meet he needs to do 100% of the work to make it happen.

       3. You don’t need to respond to that or you could just respond with an emoji or GIF or something. Otherwise drop your end of the rope and see if he re-engages. See if he follows through with making an actual definite plan for Tuesday night. If he doesn’t, or you make a plan for Tuesday night and then he yet again has some complex, sus-sounding reason he can’t follow through with the plan, he’s likely just engaging with you as an entertainment activity to pass the time, and is not serious about meeting up. Block and move on.

       4. I feel like at this point you don’t even like him so it’s definitely time to move on!

    10. Would you maybe have more success with better date times? Talking to someone at 6PM or meeting at 8:30AM wouldn’t be appealing at all to me and the timing legitimately sounds tricky for a working person. Offering to move up coffee a half hour didn’t seem very accommodating either, tbh. But then I guess it would be on him to suggest a better time.

        1. I also wouldn’t want to date a guy who doesn’t feel comfortable saying that a specific time doesn’t work for him.

           To me it sounds like this OP and the dude are not a match. Whether it’s something anyone else would be irritated by is not material. OP is irritated and I can’t imagine it will work if they do meet up because he already has 2.5 strikes in her mind and life isn’t a romantic comedy.

    11. Dating this guy would be a giant pain in the ass because right now, while he’s excited about you and not just taking you for granted, he’s not making you a priority. It’s only going to get worse.

        And then wait till his wife finds out about you!

    12. I think this is you. It’s probably really annoying for him that you take so long to want to meet up and he’s got a lot of other things he’d rather do.

        1. Always nice when one of our resident male lurkers pops his head up to add his $.02 to something.

13. I think I need a good cry to release some stress. Any recommendations of favorite movies for a good cry?

    1. Brian’s Song gets me every time.

    2. If you are a dog lover: Hachiko: A Dog’s Story

    3. The 1995 version of A Little Princess. It’s not a “sad” movie per se but the peril scene at the end guts me.
       I also sob at the finale of every Great British Baking Show season.

       1. omg was just about to suggest this.

          Also The Notebook.

       2. I watched A Little Princess on a flight last fall and was openly weeping.

    4. Current news from Ukraine? I had a good cry just seeing one picture today: 5 equipped baby prams left by good souls on a Polish train station for refugee moms to take after they arrive.

       1. This – current news but I am not sure it would be a good cry, it’s heartwrenching. The photo of the family killed on a bridge – mom and two kids – just lying there – it kills my soul.

    5. Armageddon, The Notebook, Hachi, Marley and Me, Me Before You, Step Mom, and My Girl are my go-to’s when I need this type of what I call a “controlled emotional cleanse.”

    6. P.S. I love you. Gets me every single time.

    7. Beasts of the Southern Wild, Wendy, Zhang Yimou’s To Live, and I bawl at some point through most episodes of Call the Midwife.

    8. Hunt for the Wilderpeople, but I have foster kids. YMMV

    9. The first sequence in “Up.” Saves time because you don’t have to watch the whole movie!

       1. +1

    10. My tearjerker is Stepmom with Julia Roberts & Susan Sarandon

    11. Beaches, Terms of Endearment, Steel Magnolias

        Lion, Sophie’s Choice, Ordinary People, Kramer vs Kramer, Manchester by the Sea, Joy Luck Club, The Color Purple

        Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, What Dreams May Come, Brokeback Mountain

        For me, Lord of the Rings

14. This weekend, I discovered the vocal equivalent to manspreading. DH & I were eating lunch at a local restaurant, and there were two men at a table on the other side of the building. We heard their entire conversation. Because everyone wants to know all the details of the latest real estate sale.

    Confidence of a mediocre white guy, indeed.

    1. I was sitting in a cafe on Friday and dying listening to the 4 guys at the table opposite sharing their analysis of Ukraine and UK foreign policy…

       1. Oh lawd, I’m getting a headache just reading that

          On the other hand, I did talk to a friend about whether or not most guys would “garden” when their lady friend had her period in a cafe on Saturday, so maybe I can’t talk

    2. Ehh my mother in law is the loudest person I know. I am embarrassed every time I am in public with her because the entire venue can hear her inane conversations. This isn’t really just a man thing.

       1. +1. MIL born and raised in the Bronx so I feel you there!

          1. Oh, there is a version of this among Southern women, particularly wealthy and opinionated Southern women, as well.

    3. Spouse was formerly in a band that apparently took it up to 11 on the regular. As a result, he has hearing issues, so everything has to be up to an 11 now, except if he gets animated, in which case it is at least a 15. When my dad (not in a band or a chopper pilot) listens to TV, you can hear it on the sidewalk in front of the house.

    4. This sounds very annoying but I was once trapped on a subway car with what appeared to be a French acapella group, and nothing has ever topped that.

       1. No……I’ve been working in the local library lately as a change of scene and I’m really glad that libraries are accessible community gathering places but….I also wish people would use their inside voices and NOT eat bacon sandwiches. I felt bad drinking a cup of tea in a container with a lid (and no books, just my computer at risk) and then bacon dude rolled up.

       2. Oh wow, I just snorted laughing.

       3. Ha, I was once traveling in France with some members of an American acapella group, and they decided to sing on the Paris subway.

    5. I don’t think this is a guy thing. I was once on a bus with my bestie (in college) and the bus driver got on the intercom and said “Ladies! The entire bus can hear your conversation!”

       1. +1. I actually find this happens more frequently with groups of women!

    6. Ah, so my coworker lunches in your town. With three solid wood doors shut between us I can still make out every.single.word of his conversations from a different floor in our office.

    7. Eh, whatever. I like that. I like hearing people again. One of the greatest pleasures in life is eavesdropping on a conversation. If you want quiet, that’s what a library is for.

    8. I’d be very tempted to throw a comment into the conversation. Granted you said they were on the other side of the room, so it’s hard than if they’re just a table over..but really, if they’re speaking that loudly you must want my input.

       My FIL takes most of his calls on speakerphone which drives my husband nuts. I know we’re supposed to politely pretend like we don’t hear these conversations, but I will actively respond to the conversation if I have something to add. I’m not just going to pretend like I don’t hear things that are definitely loud enough for everyone to hear. I’m annoying like that.

    9. If it wasn’t for the real estate conversation I would have thought you met my dad. He must have been an opera singer or circus barker in a previous life – his voice just CARRIES.

    10. I think a lot of people are just a little deaf. Whether it’s headphones, concerts, city noise, or workplace noise, I know a lot of people who can’t hear themselves or others all that well.

    11. This was our Valentine’s Day dinner a few years back, except it was one man and one woman; she was not talking; and she looked sour the whole time. It was real estate, too!

    12. My husband and I don’t dine in much but went just before the holidays because one of our favorite restaurants is closing and it was my birthday. Just to set the stage, it’s a well regarded white tablecloth kind of place, usually fairly quiet.

        At the next table there was a rowdy multigenerational group (looked like two sets of older parents and their young adult children who were a couple.) They drank a lot of wine and were being loud, which honestly was ok, but then the adult daughter pulled out her phone and was showing her parents all of her favorite tik toks at full volume. Everyone was turning to glare at them but I was the one who finally said something. The mom was apologetic, but the adult daughter shot daggers at me for the rest of the night and it felt like she was speaking extra-loudly after that just to “get even.”

        I know we’ve all forgotten how to behave, but please don’t do that.

    13. Lololol congrats on discovering Americans

15. Looking for travel tips for Seoul. My husband and I just somewhat spontaneously booked a trip for late May/early June – we have until tomorrow morning to cancel, and are going to dig in to more research tonight to see if it still feels like a good idea. Would love any tips from the hive on visiting this time of year and favorite activities/restaurants/any other tips. It looks like COVID there is skyrocketing at the moment, but hospitalizations and deaths remain low bc the population is highly vaccinated so assuming there isn’t another crazy variant (which, I KNOW, is a big assumption) it would be relatively safe in a few months. We would still be looking for trip insurance to allow for a last-minute cancellation.

    1. South Korea still has a strict 7 day quarantine requirement, so I don’t think it’s much of a vacation destination just yet.

    2. No suggestions, but I assume you looked at the travel restrictions into Korea? They’re quite strict, and there’s limited exemptions to the mandatory week-long quarantine.

    3. yeah, we’re only going places that allow tourists to enter with at most a pre-departure negative test.

       1. It seems from the thread there is some confusion about what is needed to enter (a test) and what happens after entry (quarantine)?

          1. No, not confused. I was just using shorthand. We’re traveling internationally but not going to any country where we have to do anything more than test before our trip in order to travel freely – i.e., no arrival testing, no quarantines. Doesn’t seem that’s the case for Korea…

    4. Is this your first time in Korea? I am also curious about what you will do with the quarantine restriction but assuming you have that figured out…

       Seodaemun prison museum
       Any of the palaces: Gyeongbokgung if you want to walk a lot and there are two museums (one folk museum, and a separate palace museum); deoksugung if you don’t like walking a lot (sometimes there are art exhibitions in the gallery but depends); people love the Biwon garden tour, but you have to preschedule that online
       If you want a traditional market I would go to Tongin traditional market near Gyeongbok palace, not Gwangjang market which is large and touristy. The neighborhood near Tongin market is also very cute.
       Hiking bukhansan—you can do it on your own or there might be an airbnb experience
       Dongdaemun Plaza/shopping at night.

       I would try to book a food tour if you don’t speak Korean.

       Get the jihachul/subway app, as well as Naver maps (Google maps won’t work)

       Have fun!

       1. I studied aboard in Seoul and I loved it! This was a few years ago, but some of the fun touristy stuff we enjoyed was the neighborhood of Insadong and Jongro – these two are close together and you can hit gyeongbukgoong and the history museum. There’s a large bookstore in Jongro too – fun if you are a bookworm. I think it’s worth it to hit Namsan Tower, but some folks think its very touristy.

          For shopping, dongdaemun and myeongdong have all the brand shops. Namdaemun has a more traditional market which is good to see.

          I think Gangnam is boring but some people like the luxury malls and clubs. I was a college student so I spent nearly all my time in Hongdae – it’s near to an arts university so lots of cool bars, shops and buskers!

16. My doctor told me this morning that I have to basically cut all pasta/noodles out of my diet (and seriously limit bread-products more generally), which is especially hard for me because pasta is my absolute favorite food.

    Does anyone have any recipes that involve veggie “noodles” that they actually like and would recommend? I know it’s never going to be the same thing, but hoping that maybe something of a similar texture might help.

    1. I have similar restrictions for medical reasons (pre diabetes now back to normal a1c after weight loss and diet change). Honestly I have tried a lot of these things including that pasta made with palm hearts and the Japanese one that is plant based and found them really unappetizing.

       I do love zoodles (spiralized zucchini) with my fave red sauce and parm. You want to barely sauté them in olive oil just to heat them up – too much cooking and they get mushy.

       I also can eat a small portion of the barilla protein pasta with lots of veggies and turkey meatball. My Italian husband thinks the texture is off but I like it.

       I don’t know what your medical issues are but now in maintenance I allow myself two bites of my carb faves and that’s enough. I will have a couple bites of spaghetti I make for my kid but my plate is zoodles. A couple bites of rice with Chinese etc. i just tried to move away from meals where the focus is simple carbs.

    2. I think banza is great

       1. Second this. We exclusively eat banza pasta. It’s great! My toddler loves it. Cheapest I’ve seen is $2.50 a box when on sale at Target. You can order big cases from banza directly too.

          1. Costco also sells Banza at a good price.

       2. Same, it’s the only pasta replacement I’ve found to be close to regular pasta. While I like zucchini noodles and other spiralized vegetables, I like them as vegetables, not a pasta replacement. OP, if you’re able to eat chickpeas, give Banza a try!

    3. I don’t know if this is an option at all but I’ve found things like including a small amount of potatoes + mashed cauliflower for mashed potatoes, or some rice + mainly cauliflower rice for rice work really well and you don’t miss the carbs

    4. For me, the only satisfying noodle substitute is spaghetti squash. Load it up with a really good sauce and lots of parmesan or mozzarella and it’s actually really, really tasty. I can’t do zoodles or any other kind of spiralized vegetable… I hate the texture.

       1. + 1 to the spaghetti squash. I found a recipe for Mediterranean stuffed spaghetti squash somewhere and it was really good.

    5. Are you allowed to have the pasta made from chickpeas? I love banza, personally, but I know it is not terribly low-carb.

       I also like the kind of weird refrigerated “noodles” (pasta zero, shirataki pasta, etc.). They definitely do not taste like regular pasta, but I think they’re pretty good and they are a true low-carb option. I prefer them over just plain vegetables cut into noodle shapes like zoodles or spaghetti squash.

       I would recommend just trying a few things and figuring out what your preferences are.

    6. I like spaghetti squash, but I don’t try to pretend it is pasta. Specifically, I like Skinnytaste.com’s turkey taco spaghetti squash boats and her spaghetti squash lasagna (although the one without meat gets a bit soupy).

       1. Her spaghetti squash enchilada boat is really good (although I agree, spaghetti squash is nothing like pasta to me).

    7. Sauteed zucchini noodles with meat sauce and parmesan cheese is delicious. But like an earlier poster said, I do not try to pretend or think of it as pasta. It is good nonetheless.

    8. Are you allowed lentil or chickpea noodles?

    9. This is a toughie. Those shirataki noodles (“miracle noodles”) were popular years ago, those might help with some of the texture replacement? Sweet potato “noodles”/ribbons had a moment, too, and tend to hold up a bit better than other veg noodles.

       My brain also goes to gnudi (ricotta and semolina, generally) or a very light on grains/grainfree gnocchi?

       1. I was about to suggest “wonder noodles” brand noodles from Tribe Market. There are others, but the are the only I’ve personally tried. 0 carbs and gluten free, so I think you could eat them. They’re excellent in ramen type things, tomato sauces, and cold pasta salads. Might be too mushy in something baked like ziti because you don’t really cook them. They come in come kind of brine and can smell almost fishy, but I promise if you rinse them really well they don’t smell or taste weird.

    10. Zoodles are good. The key is to dry them or drain them so they aren’t too watery. Spaghetti squash is good but nothing like pasta. Many pasta sauces taste great on eggplant or hearts of palm (not weird heart of palm noodles; just regular hearts of palm) or artichoke salads, but it’s not the same.

        Can you have lupin flour pastas? Kaizan and lulupasta are two brands available in the states. They’re not cheap, but it may be worth it to you. Kaizan is more like a noodle texture and works well with tomato and creamy sauces; lulupasta is more like actual traditional lupini pasta (though it excludes wheat flour and uses I think sunflower seeds instead), which is chewier/gritter than wheat pasta but is good with pestos.

        Shirataki noodles have a place, but I really do not like them in Italian dishes.

    11. Spaghetti squash is pretty good if you are just adding red sauce or alfredo or something. It probably doesn’t stand up to more complicated/delicate pasta dishes. And if chickpea pasta is permitted, it isn’t the worst but certainly has a different texture to semolina pasta. You can buy a contraption that will make zoodles, which might make this easier, as they will be more uniform. Frankly, I think recreating pasta dishes is mostly going to disappoint and you may need to get your head around a different way to eat. (Take up beans, for example.) I did and I feel much better for it. I know the transition can be hard, though, and I would never have said pasta was a favorite.

    12. Can you eat the pasta made out of things like chickpeas and lentils? When I cook them, I use broth instead of water to make them taste better.

    13. We switched to making zucchini noodles in lieu of pasta when my husband was advised to cut carbs by our doctor. A good spiralizer makes it really easy to turn one medium-size zucchini into a pile of zoodles really fast. We have ours with pesto, or red sauce and a little bit of olive oil, or olive oil and parmesan cheese. I love how fast they cook. Zucchini noodles can take just about any sauce/flavoring as they don’t have much flavor on their own. P.S., I did not have much luck with the frozen zoodles I got from the store; they turned mushy when cooked. Fresh is best IME.

        I also recommend picking up some frozen riced cauliflower and subbing that in for mashed potatoes or rice where appropriate. My husband didn’t like it at first, but he’s gotten used to it.

    14. No, sorry. No noodle or pasta substitutes are any good. Just don’t do pasta style meals because you’re definitely going to feel like you’re eating a sad substitute.

        You will have to get used to eating a protein + veggie style meal. For me, adding homemade ranch or hummus helps a ton with that.

    15. Thanks for the suggestions everyone! I have a follow up with my doctor later this week so I’ll have to check about the chickpea/lentil pasta. I tried it once and wasn’t that happy with it (real pasta was an option at the time…), but I’m sure it’s better than nothing, and love the idea of cooking it in stock instead of just water.

        1. Rice noodles. You can get rice penne at Trader Joe’s for much less than the rice pasta at Whole Paycheck.

           1. If it’s a blood sugar issue, rice noodles would probably not help though.

    16. If you need to avoid wheat or gluten, I would say that 100 % soba buckwheat noodles are great. You can also do mung bean vermicelli glass noodles, or rice noodles.

        If you need to avoid fast carbs, or limit carbs, you might still be okay with the 100 % buckwheat, ask your doctor. Mung bean noodles might also be okay, but not rice noodles.

        If you need to severely limit carbs, red lentil pasta is great for spaghetti, and chickpea pasta for penne or fusili. The red lentil spaghetti has more chew IMO. Pea pasta is okay as well.

        I like to mix spiralized squash half and half with red lentil spaghetti or soba noodles for dishes where I’d use spaghetti if that were an option.

17. I am obviously beside myself about the situation in Ukraine, and feel as though by currently doing nothing I’m on the wrong side of history. I’ve donated To relief funds and have been working to educate my family/friends (as the international relations major who worked in government, I get a lot of questions o n current events).

    I didn’t feel as helpless during other crises because until recently, I worked in the public sector in human services so felt I was “helping” – did a lot with Covid, afghan refugees, etc. Now, for burnout/mental health reasons, I’m in the private sector and feel helpless.

    It really feels (to me) that were on the precipice of world war 3 and that were not doing enough. Looking for how to help, short of quitting my job to move to Poland to volunteer with recently arrived refugees.

    1. Are you a medical person or do you have housing to provide? If not, your $ will help more than you (who will also need housing — save that for the Ukrainians). Poland has many social service orgs who can use your funds for food, cots, shelters, strollers for babies coming with moms on crowded trains; also for supplies for hospitals just over the borders (regular people need medical care, although some groups are sending people into Ukraine b/c remaining civilians need help, too). Food, diapers, formula –> all this is needed, can be bought locally with money you donate.

       Think of this: someone in Ukraine shows up to work their train transportation jobs, their nuclear power station jobs, etc. We need support those people.

       I have the orgs I give to (Spirit of America, MSF, International Committee of the Red Cross, Samaritans Purse, some of which may be not your political flavor)), but there are so many worth of being helped right now.

       1. Yes, I give regularly to MSF and the ICRC and have recently given lump sums to Spirit of America and Save the Children. Unfortunately I’ve tapped out what I’m able to give. I’ve tripled my charity “budget” for this month and I do not make enough to give any more, at this time.

          I actually applied for a job at Samaritans Purse last year but pulled my application after I remembered their stance on the LGBT community…

       2. I’m also feeling this way because I’ve run shelters, I’ve worked with refugees, I’ve worked at clinics in a non medical capacity, I’ve run reception centers, etc so I do have needed skills, I’m just halfway around the world and am stuck

          1. This sounds like what Monday was saying on Friday’s afternoon thread about how hard it is to step back when you are a health care provider and patients’ lives depend on you. I wonder if it would be helpful to look at that thread? As someone else said today, careers are long (and I suspect this war will be, too). When you are in a helping profession you *have to* allow yourself time to heal. But it’s very very hard to do so. Thank you for the good work you have done while the rest of us draw our corporate salaries and pollute. I chose to draw a corporate salary to get good medical care for a “few years” that will turn into 15 before I get back to non-profit. A friend did it for 3 before going back into politics and becoming a hugely effective state Senator. He couldn’t have been so effective without the break from the backbreaking work of campaigning. This is just to say… I know it’s a trade off and it’s hard, and I also am cheering you on for letting others carry the banner for a short while while you heal.

    2. Um relax? Be thankful you + your friends/family aren’t there? Let the experts/people paid to do this sort it out? I don’t understand the hysteria about this where people including my own friends are “beside themselves.” You realize wars and refugees happen all the time right? Are people beside themselves when it’s brown Muslims? I’m thinking no . . . .

       1. As I stated before, I feel particularity helpless because this is the first crisis in my adult life where I have not been in a job directly helping – I’ve worked directly with brown refugees as recently as October…

       2. I have been thinking about this and find it different when there is a civil war (Syria), even with foreign interference, than when a nuclear power with stated imperial ambitions invades another sovereign nation and starts bombing it to smithereens. I feel like it’s a hard pill to swallow to accept all refugees from everywhere, but this is SUCH a clear cut case of violation of the global order. Maybe it’s thinly veiled racism on my part, but it feels different to me.

          1. Now attempting to challenge my thinking… I was definitely upset when Russia invaded Georgia in 2008. Too young for Chechnya (which is Muslim-dominated). I am upset about Modi’s increasing restrictions on Muslims and concerned that it feels like the Nuremberg laws. If Modi started bombing Bangladesh… I don’t know how I’d feel about the refugee situation. With Ukraine I know Russia starved millions of their people to death, so it resonates. With Bangladesh, I know Partition was brutal, but I don’t know if I’d have the same emotional response. So there’s something to interrogate there for sure.

             1. Are you Indian? I don’t like Modi and yet to compare India to Nuremberg laws is insane. If a Muslim woman covered in a burqa walked anywhere in the US, your politicians would be 10x worse than Modi. Please unpack your racism. Not even thinly veiled. Or read more.

                And I dislike Modi.

          2. I’ve been thinking about this too. I wondered if Yanukovych were still in power and Ukraine were torn apart by conflict, maybe this would have felt at least less sudden? And with other situations, the people I actually knew had such strongly conflicting views of what should happen: there’s so much consensus in this case among people directly affected. And the history where Ukrainians have been targets of genocide in the past (not to mention Jewish Ukrainians) makes this very sensitive.

             I also think it’s at least natural to respond differently to direct appeals and requests for help. In interpersonal relationships, that’s sometimes what makes a situation cross the line from “genuinely not our business” into “now our business.” So that probably changes how things feel for a lot of people even if projecting that feeling onto international relations isn’t exactly rational.

       3. Not the OP but I will admit that as a white person, this war has affected me differently than other recent wars and I fully admit that’s because of my own racism. That doesn’t change my answer (give $ and voice my views to my Congress people, who are in a place to provide more military and humanitarian aid) but does make me more determined in the future to be as equally outraged and active when it’s not a white “Western” country being bombed. All we can do is be better people going forward and recognize and apologize (as appropriate) for our past mistakes. Just because you said nothing in the past doesn’t mean you can’t speak up now – I think letting our elected officials know what we support gives them more incentive to stay strong, which will matter more as this drags on.

       4. Why can’t it just be about Ukraine and the tragedy those people are facing?

          1. Because everything is ALWAYS about white people and what THEY are facing. There are other people on planet earth and gasp they aren’t all white. Sorry if I just don’t care THAT much. Sure I feel bad for them – shrug – the same what white people feel bad when Muslims are in these situations, shrug.

             1. Perhaps it’s human nature to relate more to people of similar backgrounds. The US and Western Europe have a long history of shared endeavors and similar cultures. The US also has sizable populations descended from Europeans. Even within the US, I imagine a person in Vermont might react more strongly to an event in New Hampshire than Idaho

             2. IDK. This war is happening literally next to my country and is directly impacting lives of people I care about. Sometimes, it is not about race or religion. I am aware there is some war at any given point of time somewhere on the Earth, but this one strikes differently to me bc of the closeness.

             3. I agree with NYC. It’s human nature to be particularly effected when something happens to a group of people who are similar to yourself. I’m of Eastern European Jewish descent and this is particularly difficult for me because I have a similar background to a lot of Ukrainians fleeing and fighting. It’s not just a white issue. Also, this is the first time since WW2 that we have a war on the ground in Europe and this brings up the idea of WW3.

             4. I think “human nature” is a pretty BS excuse for racism.

             5. Anon at 2:06, your comment assumes caring about Ukraine events more than ___ events is inherently racist. I disagree. Genuinely curious whether you think a Muslim majority population country being more upset about an atrocity in another Muslim majority population country (as compared to Ukraine) is racism. If not, why the inverse?

             6. Again, I agree with NYC. I had an ex boyfriend who was a Pakistani Muslim. He complained about how the US news will report on a plane crash for example and note the number of American lives lost. He was frustrated with the fact that we seem to put extra attention on American lives. I pushed back and said he would care more about a tragedy that happens in Pakistan or Muslim countries. It’s the same thing.

       5. Some of us are of have been the people paid to sort this kind of thing out. So its not easy to just not think about it when you’re not in that position.

          1. +1

             My entire career has been in humanitarian aid and emergency management. I took a step back and am doing a similar role in corporate America after a really terrible 2020/2021, so just watching a crisis unfold and not working on it is foreign to me.

       6. What a spectacularly unhelpful and un-empathetic response. I have to ask – are you proud of yourself for posting this?

    3. I think the only thing we can do is donate and be vocal about opposing the Russian invasion. A lot of people are worried about WW3 but I don’t think there’s a whole lot we can do to prevent that and ultimately I don’t think we will go to war with Russia. I think Russia will be economically destroyed and Ukraine will be destroyed. I just keep donating and booked an Airbnb. The owner actually replied that the money will be used to help her employees and the rest will be donated to the army. I just do what I can for now.

       1. I hate AirBNB (for Reasons) but I love that this is a think that we can all do for good right now.

          1. Agreed on airbnb, but they’ve waived fees here. I’ve had better luck booking “experiences” like walking tours because at this point some of the properties are booked for a while, and the point is to get money to folks on the ground now.

       2. Am I the only one who feels horrified by this? I know Airbnb is waiving fees, but the NPR article I read quoted a host who said that all the properties she worked for were actually owned by foreigners. She was happy to get some income, but it seems like there’s no guarantee that a good portion of this money isn’t just going to wealthy Russians? And what good does it do have money when you can’t get food or supplies into the city? I know people want to help and people in Ukrainian cities are happy for the help, but I’m still sort of horrified that our first reaction is to give money to a giant tech platform that has made a lot of cities unlivable rather than nonprofits that specialize in helping refugees in disaster areas.

          1. No this was not my first reaction. I donated to multiple other organizations and this was just another way to help. Of course there is the possibility that your donation is going to a corporation but I wasn’t donating thousands of dollars. I donated under $100 to the Airbnb owner and received a thankful response. I spread the donations around to whatever may be helpful.

    4. Unless you are in a neighboring country to Ukraine, just donating money/blood (whichever charity or AirBnB) and educating your circle is enough. There is one thing our governments can do – and that is keep a steady flow of military and medicine material. Ukrainians will take care of the rest.
       Once war is over, you can visit the country – hopefully, not everything will be dust by then. Ukraine has amazing countryside and beautiful cities, great cuisine and one of the best people. Vote with your wallet.

       1. Yes — I am eagerly awaiting going there to spend $ when this is over. In the meantime, just sending my $ and not me. Sprinkling some in Poland, too.

    5. People have mentioned good things. In addition, please call your congresspeople and keep up vocal support for our funding Ukraine’s response.

    6. You’ve done what you can. Literally. And it’s . . . not enough. Not because you’re personally failing or don’t care, but because this situation is so very very much bigger than what you as an individual in your particular life circumstances can make a difference in right now. And, if you’re still feeling the effects of “burnout/mental health reasons,” that also might be contributing to how hard you’re finding it to be in the midst of distress regarding a situation you can’t change.

    7. If you’re a U.S. citizen, give money and time to the campaigns of candidates who support democracy and rule of law here and abroad.

       Think about how much worse it would be if the last president (who said he thinks Putin was smart for invading Ukraine) had won a second term, or if his most avid supporters had more power.

       1. +1. The Senate needs to pass the defense appropriations bill, we need to be behind that and the bipartisan effort to provide authorization for further sanctions. And if Trump had won a second term, he would have walked away from NATO and let Ukraine be overrun.

    8. What’s happening in Ukraine in horrifying. But so is what’s happening in Afghanistan, and Syria, and everywhere during covid, and what happened during the American invasion of Iraq and during every war throughout human history. There was a lovely interactive article in the NY Times yesterday about the WH Auden poem Musee des Beaux Arts that talks about how life goes on around terrible things and most people don’t pay attention. We have to figure out how to live our lives in ways that deal with the horrible things, while trying to make the world a better place the best way we can. I’m an environmental scientist who does research and teaches, doing my best to help create a world where we’re less reliant on fossil fuels and the petrostates like Russia that produce them. I’ve also given money to MSF every month for the last 20 years, always vote, and regularly write to my representatives advocating various policies. I believe in systemic solutions, not flailing about every time I see something upsetting, because there’s always something upsetting somewhere. That means something different for everyone, but figure out what it makes sense for you to do and do your best to do it.

       1. As I said, this is the first major crisis during my adult life where I haven’t worked in disaster response, hence feeling helpless.

          My plan was to take a 2 year break in the private sector and then re-enter public sector disaster response work. 5 months into my private sector sojourn this happens and I can’t sit still. I’m no stranger to the other crises you mentioned, I have former colleagues “deployed” to Poland to assist and its killing me to sit back and watch.

          I’m half prepared to join the reserves/national guard to feel like I’m doing something and still involved.

          1. This is not quite the same as the guilt for doing nothing the rest of us might feel. In any other year you would literally be on the ground with these former colleagues. Perhaps the best way you can help right now is to support those former colleagues? Be a listening ear for them and enable them to keep working?

          2. Honestly, then, I think this is your answer. I know that this kind of work doesn’t pay enough and asks too much of people. My job certainly doesn’t compensate me anywhere even remotely close to what most people on this board make, but I could never live with myself as a corporate lawyer nor am I physically capable of the hands on work it sounds like you do in disaster response and this is an area where I make a difference. Careers are long, so that doesn’t mean you need to quit your private sector job immediately, but come up with a plan to get yourself back into that field, hopefully in a way that pays better or is more sustainable for you, because it doesn’t matter if you’re doing all the good in the world if it’s an unlivable situation. Focus on developing skills that can be used in the long term, not just what’s happening right this minute, because there are always people that will need help. What are you especially good at that can be used to make things better?

    9. Can you identify the organization in your area that works with refugees to start volunteering? The main one in my area is assisting the Afghani refugees, and will help the Ukrainian refugees that will eventually come. Along with the many other refugees from many other places.

       1. Not to be a PITA, but the people are Afghans, Afghani is the currency.

          Likewise, it is Ukraine and NOT The Ukraine. Gave my mother an earful last night when she called it the Ukraine.

          1. Thanks for the correction! I saw that phrase somewhere and mindlessly repeated it. Is “Afghan refugee” correct?

             1. Yes! Afghan refugee is the correct term

    10. Something to add to the suggestions in this thread, is to also lift your view to the longer term, and think about how this war is being financed and for how much longer natural reserves should equal power for dictatorships. The US is a net exporter of fossil fuels, but it is also an incredibly oil-hungry nation setting an example for standards of living that other nations are following. Assuming a leadership role in creating a net-zero economy is not only going to have benefits at home, in terms of health outcomes, ecosystem protection and consumer savings, it will also have a ripple effect because it creates a huge market for efficient appliances, mobility solutions etc, which will foster innovation and development. And now we can clearly see how it will also directly affect the war-chest of antidemocratic forces.

        1. I would push back on the idea that moving away from fossil fuels will have “benefits at home.” I’m absolutely for moving to green energy and reducing emissions, but at some point we have to own up to the sacrifices it will entail. If the messaging was a straight “yes, you need to give up air conditioning, air travel, almond milk, Amazon, beef consumption, bitcoin mining, clothes dryers, …” we could have a real conversation about what that future looks like. But we can’t pretend people will be healthier once you take all these things away, and we can’t pretend that perfect union jobs in underserved communities will result. I think the Democratic agenda on climate change took a real blow when it tried to tie things together that are inherently at odds because people can smell disingenuity a mile off.

           1. You don’t need to give up almond milk. Yes, oat milk has a smaller footprint. But cow milk has 3 times the water consumption and green house gas emissions compared to almond milk. If you are going to swap almond for cow milk, that’s progress.

              I don’t think the ‘you have to abstain from everything’ message is going to bring more people on board, but if you find that it does, more power to you. I am on the train of ‘we have to realistically think about the impact that our choices have, even if those impacts are often obscured so that we can be better consumers’. We are going to need many different trains to reach net zero. There is no one size fits all solution.

18. I gua sha’d my face and neck last night and accidentally pressed too hard on my neck in a couple areas…looking like I have multiple hickeys on my neck this morning. Happy Monday! *facepalm*

    1. arnica gel to the rescue!!

19. What are you all wearing in the summer if not shorts? The shorts that I have tried either scream frumpy mom or daisy duke – there is no in-between. I am in the Midwest – so it is swampy here during the summer. I love white linen pants/jeans – but that is not always practical. Do I just need to lean hard into dresses and call it good? For reference, I am a size 4/6 petite pear.

    1. Skirts!

       1. But the chub rub!

          1. Modern “skorts” are normal skirts with light, breathable slip shorts underneath. I live in them in the summer. Bonus: I don’t flash anyone if I bend over to pick up my toddler.

             1. And to find one, search Wardrobe Oxygen. She reviewed like 20 skorts last summer.

             2. I have a skort I got from Talbots last summer and I love it. Long enough for me to feel comfortable, has a cute scalloped edge, and the shorts don’t ride up. It just looks like a casual skirt. I liked it so much I just bought another one from Talbots (different color, and it doesn’t have the scalloped edge).

                The other thing I like for summer (DC, so I know from swamp) is linen pants that I get from Old Navy or Loft. I prefer cargo/capri style that are a little shorter (usually slightly above the ankle for me). Last year Loft had some Bermuda-style linen shorts (a couple of inches above the knee and wider legs, so maybe not quite Bermuda) that were nice and breezy. I’m sure they aren’t the most flattering things I’ve ever worn, but they were comfy in the hottest summer temps.

                I know many will disagree, but I also like dresses with Spanx- type underwear. I buy the Assets line from Kohls (usually a little cheaper) and they are majority cotton with some spandex. I buy them a size bigger than the chart says, so they hold me in but aren’t too constricting, and they prevent rubbing and really aren’t any hotter than regular underwear would be. I find breezy dress + Assets to be cooler than shorts in really hot weather.

                Signed, moved here from Chicago and have honed my hot weather dressing over many years! Have reached the point where last summer, I was able to eat outside in 90+ degree weather and, in the shade, it wasn’t too bad.

          2. The M0nistat antichafing gel works surprisingly well. But my main go-to are Jockey Skimmies, even in hot and humid NYC, I find them the best option.

          3. I wear cotton bike shorts under all skirts. No chub rub, and summer skirts are far cuter than shorts.

    2. skorts

    3. Athleta pants that are in that travel / nylon fabric that is wicking and doesn’t get damp and isn’t tight against your body.

       1. Athleta also has some great skorts.

    4. Caftans. Longer prairie dresses shunned by this board that are amazing and cute.

       1. Yes, to a point. When it’s Hell’s Front Swampy Porch, that caftan just is a heavy sweat-absorber. Until then, yes. Bring the caftans!

          Starting around July, I just wear sports attire in wicking fabrics (which I used to think were a joke to make us re-buy May clothes but in a different fabric) b/c it’s just too nasty otherwise.

       2. sources for chic caftans? Chic caftans are my aspirational style of my 50s and I feel like I should start dipping my toe into these waters to slowly prime my husband, because he’s gonna hate them so much.

          1. I have a blouson one from Cabana Life in a sporty SPF material that I like.

             In prior years, ones from LE sold as swim coverups in the SPF material they make rashguards from.

          2. It’s ‘a lot of look’ as Tim Gunn would say, but Lily Pulitzer’s tunic or swing dresses are typically light cotton, lined, and washable. A favorite of mine is the ‘novella’ – I sized down to an XS. It pulls on, has pockets, is washable and is cut far enough away from the body that even if I’m melting it doesn’t show up in sweat stains. I wore last year’s version on a beach trip when it was 95 out and looked cute and pulled together despite being thoroughly sweaty and gross.

          3. Emerson Fry, their India line is perfect for swampy climates

             1. What is up with Emerson Fry and “one size”? As a size 12, I have a hard time trusting that their stuff would fit me.

       3. Nobody here is shunning prairie dresses, although I wish they would.

    5. I am also a 4/6 petite, although a different shape. I do lean heavy into dresses in the summer except when I am working out or wearing white pants for work, or who cares how I look when working out. I feel like shorts are just not a great look for most adult women who are not model size.

       1. OP – I will start looking into skirts that I can pair moisture wicking shorts underneath. I don’t want to go the athleisure route. I have some great summer tops that I want to wear – which look great with white linen pants/jeans. I am at the point that I just want to wear real clothes again.

    6. for casual errands, Athleta street-style shorts. No, my thighs aren’t as great as they were 20 years ago, also no, I don’t really care, I’m comfy and reasonably put together.

    7. Dresses all day, every day, for me!

    8. Also a 4/6 petite pear and I stopped wearing most shorts in high school. They just don’t work for me…

       I wear a lot of dresses, linen pants and athletic clothes (I have no problem with rubbing shorts).

    9. I don’t find dresses all that cooling. I’ll wear them to dinner, but I’m not making that my all-day option. Without getting too graphic, things get very, um, swampy and sweaty unless I wear bike shorts, which makes things even hotter. I wear either linen shorts from Athleta or athletic-style shorts.

       1. Jockey slip shorts will change your life.

          1. And they now make sweat-wicking ones!

    10. I find I like really lightweight ankle pants the best – ones that are loose enough to have some airflow (so not skinny fit). My favorites are from Target’s athletic dept., but I think Athleta and similar brands have this type of pant. Wish I could do more skirts but inner thigh rub is the worst, and adding a short layer underneath defeats the cooling element.

    11. Dresses with bike shorts or the calvin klein slip shorts underneath. They work in NYC during the summer and are both cool enough and comfortable.
        Loose linen or other fabric shorts

    12. I don’t look good in shorts. I wear dresses with sweat-wicking slipshorts underneath. I have a sweat-wicking dress from Columbia that I wear a lot when it gets extra swampy.

    13. Last year NYDJ had some longer linen shorts that didn’t look dowdy on. You might look there when summer lands on their site.

    14. Wide leg palazzo pants and midi dresses

    15. I just suffer in long pants, but this is tick country.

    16. I mostly wear dresses since I’ve also found most shorts to be either frumpy or too short, but I do like J.Crew’s 5″ chino shorts and Madewell’s relaxed military shorts and (to me) they are long enough without being frumpy. I have relatively muscular thighs, so finding shorts that don’t constrict too much can be hard and these two work well in that department.

20. Help me plan for how to pack for a work conference in Boston in early April. Business casual. What’s weather appropriate? Wrap dresses and flats, or something warmer?

    1. Unfortunately weather is really variable then and I would plan for tights if you’re wearing dresses. It’s as likely to be 40 as 70!

    2. I think you can just check the weather forecast when it’s time to pack. Who knows what it’ll be like yet?

    3. It could snow or be 70. If you’re looking to purchase something in advance, I’d go with a wrap dress, tights, and scarf/jacket. You can take on or off as the weather dictates.

    4. It was 70 degrees last week, snowed, was 35 on Saturday, 65 on Sunday.

       Ask again in a few week :). Wear shoes that won’t get ruined in wet salty sludge.

    5. IMO usually early April is tights and boots weather in Boston. You may need waterproof outer layers for those 44 degree & raining days. It could be as warm as 68 though, so check close to departure!

21. PSA: I came across Human Rights Campaign’s March shop (in honor of Women’s History Month) and may have immediately bought two of the T-shirts. While they are unisex sizing, which is… disappointing for something for Women’s History Month
    … I liked the designs! Shop.hrc.org.

    1. “Women’s” tee shirt sizing is all over the place. I have bought one in a M and one in a L and as a 32C 130# person, they were both very wet-t-shirt cut (vs not a minecraft creature boxy rectangle cut) and also for someone who is at least 5-8 judging from where the waist was shaped.

       I give up.

    2. ohhh I hadn’t looked at the HRC shop before – their designs are seriously really good!

       1. Right?! I was visiting them to see if I needed a tax receipt for donations (nope, donations go to a c4), and I got sucked in.

22. Given that the pandemic has changed our grocery shopping habits (less frequently, buy staples in bulk), less eating out, we’re considering joining Sam’s Club (Costco is to far away for us here). Currently mostly using Kroger (we’re in the Midwest).
    Our usual shopping cart consists of lots of fresh veggies (or frozen for spinach, green beans and peas), fresh salad greens (no pre-made mixes), meats like chicken, ground beef, fresh or frozen salmon, shrimp, bakery breads. Also cheeses, charcuterie (ham, hard salami, sliced turkey meat etc), pasta, and some canned goods like tomatoes or chickpeas, and staples like flour etc.

    We’re not big on processed or branded foods, as we usually cook from scratch (so, I don’t need to buy frozen pizzas, chicken nuggets, or microwave/oven meals in bulk).
    Not picky about household staples like toilet paper, kitchen towels, dishcloths or dish/laundry soap (as long as I find a version that’s non-fragrance) so we’re willing to try store brands if they are not completely crappy.

    Does anybody have tips re: what to consider in making the switch? Do I just recreate my regular shopping cart on the Sam’s Club site and compare prices?
    What are your experiences with the realized savings, and re: quality of fresh food (meats, greens, veggies)?

    1. My experience was that there were no actual savings. This was about 15 year ago when we were gifted a membership for our then-baby. I was a total dork and made a spreadsheet to compare price per ounce/gram/diaper/serving/whatever, and almost nothing cost less at Sam’s Club than at our local non-membership supermarkets. The very few items that were less per use were completely negated by everything else costing more, and that many massive packages at one time were just too large to store in our not-huge house.

       1. I mostly found this with our Costco membership (if you stuck strictly to unprocessed staples there was a bit of savings, but with a new Aldi in our neighborhood that savings pretty much went out the window), BUT the real savings was in filling up at their gas station. We only canceled ours this year since we got an electric car.

    2. Longer response stuck, but while the freshness factor was generally fine, the quantities did not make sense for fresh food because it would too often spoil before we could get through it all (3-person house).

    3. I honestly don’t like Sam’s Club quality in general, but I can share my Costco strategy. For warehouse shopping, my goal is not just saving money per item. The main benefit is saving myself time by reducing trips. Buying non-perishable staples is worth it, because I don’t have to make many trips. I buy rice and toilet paper once a year, for example. For non-perishables, I only buy what we eat a huge amount of. In my house that’s seltzer, fruit, and bread (because I can freeze bread). Everything else I buy from my normal grocery store.

       1. +1 this is my strategy too. Their gas it too far away from my house to be worth it usually, but I have replaced my monthly Amazon Subscribe and Save shipment with a once-a-quarter trip to Costco and save money vs what I was paying on there. I also buy items for my kids school lunch/snacks – it’s comparable to an Aldi trip for me, but saves me an extra trip there.

          Plus I find their random middle-of-the-store stuff to be good deals. Like their giant mums for $5, their furniture that is surprisingly well made at decent pricing, random kids toys on sale in March (that I save for holidays – I have enough nieces and nephews that someone will be into Paw Patrol or Harry Potter come December).

       2. We are a family of three that regularly shops Costco for this reason – I freaking hate grocery shopping and the less I have to do it, the happier I am. Costco lets us stock up on nonperishables, packaged snacks and frozen goods so that we only have to do one big shop a month and then fill in with two or three other trips to the local supermarket (that my husband takes care of). That saves us money because fewer shopping trips = fewer opportunities to pick up little things that we don’t really need. I also love Costco because I have a teenage son who does martial arts and lifts weights and eats the caloric equivalent of a full meal every four hours. Costco has great options for protein bars, whole-grain crackers, cheese, fruit, nuts, etc. that allow me to keep healthy snacks in the house for him without constantly running back to the store. The convenience is the benefit for us, not cost savings.

          P.S. we also just got a new couch from Costco and saved about $500 buying it through the warehouse instead of getting the exact same model, in the same color, from a local furniture store. There are lots of benefits to belonging to Costco besides buying food in bulk.

    4. How many people are you? If you’re three or fewer and don’t routinely host parties or something, you may not do better than at your local store.

    5. Do you have a Trader Joe’s anywhere nearby? I’ve long suspected it’s cheaper than Safeway, which is similar to Kroeger, so I finally did the math.

       The big grocery store chains suck you in with a handful of loss leaders and club card “savings” but since you’re already there you buy a lot of full priced items and they’re definitely more expensive than Trader Joe’s. I’m a nerd and I have the spreadsheet to prove it!

    6. I worked at Sam’s Club in college. Their MO is getting deals on random pallets of stuff, then you’ll never see it repeated. It is difficult to keep to a strict shopping list when it comes to brands or formulas. You will need to keep careful track of unit prices across similar items to figure out if it’s truly worth it for your household. Personally, I find it too much work for too little reward.

23. I just pressed purchase on my summer holiday flights. Now I’m fantasizing about being in the ocean. I’m used to paddling in the North Sea, where you’re kind of bundled up anyways, but my son and I will be spending a couple of weeks north of Lisbon – so not balmy but much sunnier. I have rash guard for him, but what about me? I want to be able to run around, paddle with my kid, and build sandcastles (and read a book under an umbrella when the grandparents take over).

    1. I wear a bikini with a rash guard and board shorts. The bikini makes it easier for bathroom trips, but the rashguard/shorts give me enough sun and bum protection/coverage. Boden has some really cute rashguards that match their swimsuits, all of my favorite ones are from there. In the US Jcrew has good options but they sell out quickly.

       1. I basically do the same except with a tankini. I have a loose linen dress I throw over the whole thing when my suit dries (which happens quickly in warm weather)

    2. I have a kid the same age. I wear a rash guard and bikini bottom for active play on the beach and in the water, and put on a long caftan-style skirt for sun protection when I’m lounging.

    3. I know you’re in the UK so this may not be the best option, but Lands End has cheap sun guards. Sizing is generous, quality seems good.

       1. Lands End actually has a separate UK site that I’ve had success purchasing from!

       2. +1 I’m UK and they’re great for UV blocking swim shirts and skirts (as well as pretty good for two-piece separated for particular body types. I’d say narrower frames whether lean or curvy do well there for two piece swimsuits.)

       3. +1 to Lands’ End. At the beach, I usually go for tankini + linen or cotton dress as a cover-up. I have a rash guard for when I’m swimming or playing in the sand, and I have board shorts for water activities or hikes involving bodies of water.

    4. Boden has nice swimsuits and rash guards right now. I bought one last year and quality was great – I just had to buy a couple of different sizes on the bikini top and bottom to get the right fit (they run smaller than their clothes IMO).

24. For folks who find it difficult to focus in an open office – what would make it easier?
    My company is officially all back in the office today, which is a big open room with desks and no dividers/cubicle walls. It’s pretty quiet, but there are people walking around and quiet conversations etc.
    My direct report has ADHD (he’s pretty open about this) and has said that he finds this office environment distracting. Previously there were just a few people coming into the office and that was fine but now that everyone is here I can see how it could be very distracting.

    I will of course ask him what would help (when I get a private moment in this open office!) but wanted to ask if anyone had any suggestions. It’s 3 days a week in the office 2 days WFH so at least there is that.

    1. I don’t have ADHD, but am extremely distracted by people moving around me. Is there really no way to at least have dividers, cubicles, put his back to a wall, etc. Anything that reduces that amount of movement around him might help. But obviously ask him, he knows best.

       1. I am thinking about that. We also don’t have assigned seats but there is an area directly in line of the kitchen which is very busy vs the area where I usually sit where no one really walks into my view at least.
          Yep will ask him, just want to have some ideas or suggestions to offer as well!

       2. or a desk positioned so that people don’t walk as much in his line of sight? Also headphones should be allowed, and there should be a culture of taking calls and conversations into a different space.

    2. The only solution is a private office or WFH. No one can work effectively in an open-plan office, even if they do have ADHD.

       I am sure you know this already, but you are going to have a lot of difficulty hiring and retaining staff in this labor market if you insist on in-person work in an open office. If you are in a position to push back against management and demand cubes or WFH, you may find that they are more willing to listen than they used to be.

       1. I don’t think that’s as true in my start up industry. For example, this employee does like coming into the office and being social and all that. And I want him to be comfortable and focused, but I also think there is value in chatting with coworkers in our field, and he wants that. So he’ll WFH 2-3 days a week, and I can ask him if he’d like a different desk, but he does want to come in sometimes.

          1. But he should be able to come in to a cube with dividers, not an open-plan office.

       2. Neither of your first two sentences are true.

    3. Horse blinders.

       I kid, but I have always said (in cubes and open floor plans) that the only way for me to focus is horse blinders. I’m pretty sure I have undiagnosed adhd, fwiw

       I technically work 9-5 but often do nothing all morning and then get everything done from 430-630 when the office has emptied out.

    4. Having done a couple of big returns to the office post-COVID, I’d say give it a couple of weeks before you start discussing changes. So much of the initial craziness wears off after a week or so. The overstimulation is real, but it does die down a bit.

    5. I used to have cheap noise canceling over the head ear muffs. Goofy but helps mute audio distractions and signal to others that you’re focused. You can get a box of 12 for like 50 bucks.

       1. I put earbuds in (the kind with the silicone tips) and just dont play music or anything. They fit well in my ears and act as a seal which helps to muffle the sound a LOT, even if they’re not technically meant to be “noise cancelling”.

    6. As someone with ADHD, real cubicle walls. Seeing movement out of the corner of my eye, half heard conversations etc are distracting for the neurotypical, but for the neurodiverse are just downright terrible.

       I’m guessing that you can’t ban open offices (if only- they increase sick leave, decrease productivity, decrease worker happiness and retention), so figuring out how to increase your worker’s productivity by limiting exposure to distractions is the way to go. Any chance that you could alter his WFH time? Find a desk in a corner? put up higher barriers between desks?

    7. Normalize headphones!

    8. I don’t have ADHD but there’s no way I could work in an open office. Cubicles or walls or other dividers. Convince your management that open office is a productivity killer, please.

    9. I have ADHD and I find movement in my peripheral incredibly distracting, as well as conversations in the vicinity (but not repetitive nonverbal noises, like a microwave or a copier). I also get major headaches from flourescent lights. When I still worked in an office, I listened to instrumental music on headphones, and wore a hat with a giant brim to block light and movement. (I also got mocked for it, but I’m mid-forties and out of f***s to give.)

       Note that it often presents differently across genders, so still best to ask him what he needs.

25. I’m trying to return to better eating habits and am reminded that past efforts to lose weight have been successful when I focused on eating enough so that I wasn’t hungry anymore, but not so much that I felt full. I love food and enjoy eating, but also eat for “bad” reasons like boredom and stress.
    How do people stick with good eating habits? Any books about the psychology of food/eating that have worked for you?

    1. Some great advice I got once was to focus on positives instead of negatives. I.e., instead of “I’m going to cut out dairy and sugar,” say “I am going to aim to eat a diverse, colorful array of vegetables at each meal.” Focusing on the exciting aspects of eating well (finding new recipes, experimenting with replacing the joy of fat/sugar with more interesting spice and flavor combinations, embracing colorful and vibrant meals) make it so much more fun! I’d recommend reading as many health-focused blogs as you can find. I love Feasting at Home and Minimalist Baker. Both have made me a better, more sophisticated cook and have organically led me to develop habits that make eating well easy.

       Also – small thing: Make a health-focused shopping list and do not deviate! You’d be shocked how much easier it is to gently cut out boredom and stress eating if you just don’t have any junk food in the house.

       Best of luck!

    2. The best thing I can do is to prioritize getting enough of the healthy stuff. For me that’s 5 portions of produce a day, but you could track nutrients or water or whatever your goal is. If I am putting that big salad on my plate, the piece of pizza or grilled cheese next to it can be on the smaller side. If I throw some extra spinach and chickpeas in my pasta sauce, I will stay full longer and need less willpower to seek out healthy snacks in the afternoon. Clearly, I am a moderation-person, rather than all-or-nothing. Making sure I get 5 a day leaves some, but considerably less room for the indulgent stuff.
       And never make it a big production. Don’t wait until the first of the month to ‘start’, don’t go on unsustainable extreme diets that wreck your metabolism and body image, don’t beat yourself up about falling off the bandwagon. This next meal, this day right now, you have the opportunity to choose again.
       I also struggle with the boredom eating, as well as social eating.

    3. So, I struggle with the same problem and am actively working on it. Not going to lie, it isn’t easy. What’s working for me is eating enough at meals so that I don’t need a snack later. In my case, snacking usually leads to more snacking and not always the healthiest choices. I’m having to retrain myself to do other things when I get bored or stressed, which is harder than making good food choices to begin with. I don’t know that I’ve read much that has helped, honestly, but I do find myself using the phrase “food is fuel, not therapy” when I need some tough love. Also, you have to accept that you’re not going to do it perfectly all the time. The trick is not beating yourself up and getting back on track. Agree with the above poster that arbitrary timelines are stressful.

    4. I’m so much more satisfied when I eat meals, not snacks, so WFH has been great- I always have something ready to go when I’m hungry, whether it’s something I batch cooked in advance, a sandwich or salad that I can easily assemble, or something I can heat up from the freezer. Fiber and fat are also key to feeling full and staying full, so I’m a big fan of olive oil, avocado, peanut butter, and pesto on things (I’m vegan, but never feel like I’m lacking in protein, it’s always the lack of fat that leaves me feeling hungry).

    5. I change one thing at a time, make sure it sticks, then move on to another change. I took several months to get used to unsweetened coffee, then a few months to tolerate giving up fried foods, then another thing, and so on. Only forcing one category at a time lets me form new habits without overwhelming my brain.

    6. I am transitioning to a plant based diet with limited processed foods, and it hasn’t been long, but so far I have been amazed that I have had no cravings and have found it easy to fill up on not a whole lot of calories. I have a huge sweet tooth and also like my snacks, but the desire to eat junky stuff is just gone. I think it’s because I’m eating a lot more fiber and healthy fats from nuts/seeds and I’m eating a ton of variety – yesterday I ate like 10 different kinds of fruits and veg, which is a massive increase for me from my past way of eating. I found the book How Not to Die really motivating.

       1. Thanks for that recommendation, going to take a look at it.

          1. My vegan in laws started with that book!

    7. I have just finished Ellyn Satter’s Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family, and I thought it was helpful (though her baseline assumption of what you’re used to eating is so clearly Wisconsin, I had to laugh). It doesn’t talk so much about weight loss, but it has research-backed work on how to make healthy eating sustainable.

26. We’ve talked about introversion and extroversion on here before. I was amused to find an email from ancestry dot com that says even my DNA is extroverted.

    I swear my kids were born with 99% of their personalities (so far, far more nature than nurture) and the fact that we can now DNA test for extroversion/introversion cracks me up.

    1. I agree with being born with a personality. I could tell me younger kiddo was extroverted, even when we were literally stuck in the house for basically her whole life!

       1. A friend and I went to an outdoor restaurant the other day. There was a toddler at the next table who kept staring at us. Her mom turned to us and said “sorry, she’s never seen other people” haha

          1. I was at a playground with my son and dog the other day, and a poor COVID toddler was following my dog around, calling her a horse, and saying “neigh!”

          2. We were at a wine bar last summer, doing a tasting, when a couple with a toddler came in. He was absolutely fascinated by my husband. His parents said that he was aware that other women besides Mom existed in the world, because her mother had taken care of him, but my husband was the first man besides Dad that the little guy had ever seen. We all had a bit of a chuckle over how many kids were going to experience something similar in the next year or so.

    2. Haha, I strongly suspected that my son was extroverted by the time he turned 6 months old.

       1. This is my daughter. Not yet six months and it’s pretty clear.

27. Need job ideas help for a friend (yes, she specifically asked).

    She has a medical condition which does not allow her to work in front of a computer. She has a background and was very successful in PR before she got sick. She needs to bring in income at this point and is struggling to come up with ideas of things she can do. Her condition also doesn’t allow her to be on her feet for an entire 8 hour shift and she gets dizzy easily, so doing something like picking orders at a warehouse or being a barista wouldn’t work well. This group is a wealth of knowledge, information, and ideas, so any ideas you have are greatly appreciated! At this point, she has come up with dog walking.

    1. People are desperate for childcare. Could she nanny part time? Focus on older infants — kids 5-12 months sleep a lot and take longer naps, so there are built in breaks.

       1. Oh, I saw dizzy easily. That probably doesn’t work.

          1. Yea unfortunately she doesn’t always feel safe caring for her own son alone (he’s 2) so this wouldn’t work unfortunately.

             1. Ugh I’m with her right now (same, but for my daughter), and that’s so rough. I really feel for her.

             2. HUGS. We all feel awful and wish we could help more. It’s been going on with no legit diagnosis since she had her son two years ago. So many specialists and no one can figure it out.

    2. Dog walking or pet sitting, especially since people are finally taking vacations and summer is coming

       1. That’s where she is landing so far, thanks!

    3. Can she use a screen reader and dictation software? Or is this like a vertigo thing where just being around the computer screen is an issue? Would something like a call center job work?

       1. More like the vertigo issue. But I will suggest that she could ask for reasonable accommodations for sure.

          1. This is hard. I have chronic migraine and sensitivity to screens is one of my issues as well. It’s not at the point where I can’t work on a computer at all, but I have to be careful about how much time I spend, font size, ergonomics, lighting, etc. I’ve thought a lot about trying to find jobs where I could avoid a computer and there aren’t very many anymore! If she has any ability to work on a computer at all, I would explore accessibility options, as it will give her a lot more choices.

       2. suggest she get checked for labyrinthitis…

    4. Garden installation/cleanup type work? Not for a full 8 hours.

       Substitute teacher?

       Can she write? Or is that too much time in front of a Screen?

    5. I don’t mean this in an annoying motivational speaker way: what CAN she do? Can she be a receptionist? Consultant for PR? Can she hire someone to do the computer stuff?

    6. Something we’re you’re at a booth or desk talking to the public but not in front of a screen (collecting fares at the ferry / bus terminal, a help desk in a touristy area or at an airport)
       Driver – truck driver, school bus driver (built in split shift), Uber?

       1. Checkout clerk in the garden section of Home Depot? They have a seat and they use a scanner, so the screen time is very limited.

          1. i think those are reserved for their programs with the developmentally disabled (at least in some stores), but that is a good idea.

    7. Hmm. My first thought was teaching, but that’s probably too much screen time. Maybe tutoring?
       Something medical-adjacent – dental hygienist? Radiographer? Phlebotomist?
       Does driving aggravate the dizziness? I’ve seen ads for medical couriers recently.

    8. When she was in PR did she mostly do writing/pitching? Or did she do media training? If it’s the latter I could see that being transferrable to in-person interview coaching. There are also a lot of in-person tutoring places – perhaps she can teach for a kaplan or after school tutoring chain? A girlfriend of mine made some serious cash after college as a private SAT tutor after working at Kaplan for 3 years.

    9. Property appraiser, plumber, QA inspector for medical or other parts that require attention to detail (less standing in long stretches), laboratory tech, building inspector..
       A lot of these take training, but barista wages are tough to raise a kid on.
       I’d also tell her to think outside the pink collar since many of those roles require a lot of standing or caregiving.

    10. Receptionist.

    11. How does she feel about working with the elderly? I’ve been spending a lot of time with my mother in her memory care unit for the past couple of months, and the staff to resident ratio is pretty high. There are times I will arrive, and no one knows where my mom is. I don’t get stressed because residents in memory care tend to go in and out of each others’ rooms, but we got nervous when it took them a long time to find her once . . . worried that she may have fallen, etc. Sometimes I sit with her in the dining room to make sure she focuses on her meal and finishes her Ensure. I feel like there is a real need for this kind of support, especially from people who will prioritize their charges over their cell phone screens. If your friend likes people and can be patient, this is an opportunity to put an adult child’s mind at ease when they have to focus on work and can’t visit their parent as often as they would like. I realize that health aides don’t make a lot of money, but I’m not sure that’s what I have in mind here. . . something like a companion/overseer/concierge. There is SO much turnover in this industry that we are constantly having to make sure the staff is aware of basic details.

    12. Thanks everyone! This is tough because she has good days and then days where she can’t get out of bed for too long, so flexibility is key. Then you add the no computer screen in and it’s even harder. It’s been a very rough road for her.

        1. You didn’t post many details about her medical situation and I don’t want to be one of those annoying people, but from what you’ve said, I would make sure she’s looked at vestibular migraine and binocular vision problems as potential contributing issues, as they’re both underdiagnosed. Good luck to your friend, it sounds like a lousy situation!

        2. The money is probably pretty lousy, but gig economy jobs might be a good fit for this kind of need for flexibility when she has good and bad days. Uber, Lyft, Door Dash, Instacart etc.

        3. Honestly, this is what disability is for. The good-days-and-bad-days constellation of symptoms (to quote a CLE I saw on this recently) is the single biggest hallmark of disability claims for a reason, because there are no jobs that are flexible enough to accommodate that. It’s time for her to engage with her disability benefits.

           1. It’s really hard to qualify for any kind of disability without a diagnosis. It also sounds like she’s already left her old job, so she’s probably not eligible for employer provided disability insurance, just social security, which definitely requires a diagnosis, usually one that can be verified with imaging or blood tests or things like that. It’s really hard to get it for vaguer things like chronic pain, fatigue, and dizziness, even if they cause very significant impairment. It’s a major hole in the social safety net.

    13. Corporate trainer? I have worked in a large organization where the training staff did presentations on time management, managerial skills, etc.

    14. Tutoring? She could book for good times of the day, allow generous rebooking if she can’t deliver that day? Seems like t hose are in demand if she has some wealthy parents nearby.

    15. Audio book reader? I saw someone on TikTok talking about how easy it was to get started.

        Could she be a court stenographer or is that on computer these days?

        Docent at museum. Aldi’s workers get to sit. Children’s swim teacher or tutor for some other special skill? If she has a science degree she could become an occupational therapist.

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