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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Oh hello, paperbag pants with a removable belt and functional pockets! I love the look of this style but often find the tie belts to be fussy and annoying, so I love having the option of swapping them out for a slim belt of my own choosing, and real pockets are such an unexpected delight.
Quince is one of the many direct-to-consumer brands that have popped up on the internet in the last few years. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve had good luck with their silk tops, so I feel pretty confident that these will be equally well-made at a reasonable price.
The pants are $39.90 and come in sizes XS–XL. In addition to the featured gray color, they also come in black and camel.
These pants from Standards & Practices are available in 14W–22W (in charcoal gray and midnight blue) for $88.
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Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Pay in 4?
I have noticed some merchants like Ann Taylor offer the option to “pay in 4” with the payments spread out over 4 months with no impact on credit score. Does anyone know if that is really true? I have a work event coming up and have my eye on one of their blazers.
Cat
it has been in the news recently that credit score issuers are paying attention to this- it used to fly under the radar but not anymore.
nutella
Check out the terms closely, but generally they are just very strict about paying on time, otherwise you will be hit with insane interest. Here’s some info about how they work: https://www.wsj.com/podcasts/the-journal/why-buy-now-pay-later-is-popping-up-everywhere/baa2dae5-5bde-4f63-99bc-2760e70de1ff
Peloton
It’s worth noting that this is a business model that is predatory to the young and financially illiterate, and it’s worth evaluating whether you want to support that sort of model if you are older and more financially responsible. There’s a moral argument for staying away from business models that are designed to profit off of other people’s stupidity or bad luck, rather than the quality of the product on offer.
Anon
I’ve read several comments on Instagram and Reddit where people had done multiple payment plans across multiple websites without keeping track of what they were doing, and ended up overdrawing their bank accounts and/or having $5 to live on for the rest of the month when all the payments hit. It definitely seems aimed at the “YOLO” spending crowd that probably isn’t too great at keeping track of their spending, which I do think is predatory.
Sybil
There seem to be a handful of companies that do this for retailers. I don’t use them but I have a couple friends who do and have had perfectly fine experiences, and nothing has popped up on their credit report.
Anonymous
If you can’t afford to buy the clothes and pay for them, you can’t afford them. Don’t go into debt for a blazer.
Anon
+1
Anon
This.
Anon
Please! I am seeing these options all over and it is so predatory.
Anon
The three credit bureaus have just started collecting this information (as of March 2022), worth googling “buy now pay later credit report” and looking at the articles from NerdWallet, Forbes, etc that specifically have been published in the last month. This is a change from previously, when you’re correct that it was all unreported. It’s not clear to me that it is yet impacting credit scores vs. just being visible to the scoring agencies. The major BNPL companies are Affirm, Afterpay, and Klarna, so it’s probably one of those companies you’d be using.
JTM
I use this option with Paypal all the time. At least with Paypal, it’s all automated so I don’t actually have to do anything to make the 4 payments.
Anonymous
If you are not already heavily using credit, and your concern is specific to not damaging your credit score by using credit, you should know that limited use of credit typically helps your score. If you are concerned about nonpayment or interest, the considerations are different.
Anon
Has anyone flown this week? What are people actually doing on planes re making at the moment? Flying on Sunday.
Cat
Report from my inlaws who just flew to see us – mix of people wanting to stay protected themselves (i.e., wearing KN95’s or better) and people without masks.
Anonymous
25% masked
Anon
My mom just flew. She said it was about 50-50.
NYCer
Same report from my mom. Cross country flight.
AFT
Friend who flew IL->AZ reported the same thing this week – 50/50.
Nylongirl
Gm, I flew yesterday. Only a handful of mask wearing on the plane & in the airport.
Anonymous
I’ve been on three flights (work ugh) and it’s been about 90/10 no mask to mask. No one has said anything to me about wearing one, I haven’t heard any scuffles. You’ll automatically notice people who are wearing masks because it is no longer a sea of half faces.
anon a mouse
Coworker flew yesterday into DC and said it was about 75% masked, though DC has always been on the more conservative side for masking.
Honestly I think I will probably mask for the foreseeable future for flights. When I was traveling for work I seemed to pick up a cold every time I went somewhere, and I suspect it was the plane. I’d love to stay healthier in the future.
Anon
I flew early Monday morning and late Tuesday night. Talk about a total 180. 90% of the airport was unmasked, including TSA staff.
Anonymous
I’m planning to always wear a mask when I fly. Why not? I used to get sick all the time when I’d fly. I would take those Emergen C packets to try and stave off viruses, often unsuccessfully. I flew internationally and was able to sleep comfortably (thanks to a mask recommendation from here)!
Anon
I’m on a business trip right now. I think one person on my flight had a mask on, and I would say about 25% of people in the airport (travelers and employees) were masked. SEUS, flight was from ATL to a smaller SEUS city.
Agent99
Husband flew out LA to ATL yesterday, reported about 5% of people wearing masks (including him!).
Anonymous
I am so relieved to have the mandate lifted. I have anxiety/claustrophobia during boarding and takeoff and found myself seeking more and more space due to the additional stress of having my mouth and nose covered and upgrading was getting too expensive. (It’s not rational and I am perfectly able to breathe in a mask.)
Anon
I just wish they would ventilate and filter the air during boarding. People are measuring CO2 levels during boarding, and they’re not good. It feels like airlines are being permitted to get away with arguing that the air quality is fine when this is only true part of the time.
Anonymous
Fair. And to be clear, I may very well decide to wear my mask for the vast majority of travel time, but the option to pull the mask down while I am having my 1-5 minutes of panic without potentially creating an incident, is a major improvement for me.
Anon
Yes. I’ve blacked out from the weird mask claustrophobia that I get. It’s unpredictable (sometimes I’m fine; sometimes it hits me). I would just appreciate it if they’d do more to make unmasking in those situations safer for everyone.
Anonymous
I had two flights this week. It was a free for all. 10-20% masks.
Anon
I flew ORD–LAX Sunday (mandate still in place) and returned Wednesday after the mandate had been lifted. It was 50/50, both in the airports and on the flight, but I imagine it would be very different if I were flying between different cities.
Anon
I’m waiting at the gate in RDU right now and I’d say about 20% masked, including me. What I am noticing is that masked people are tending to choose to sit near other maskers. No one has said anything to me except the masked TSA agent and that was probably because I pulled my mask down for the ID check.
Anon
ETA: TSA agent simply informed me of the change in policy, friendly and professional.
Anon
RDU TSA are great. Though some of their dogs are more “friendly” than “professional” (they should probably at least teach them to heel and not jump, but they are adorable anyway!).
Anonymous
Flew from Boston to Orlando on Friday, everyone masked. Flew home today, 85% of the plan is was unmasked. Flight attendants were masked. JetBlue.
Ellen
Ed flew home on Thursday from the airport in Detroit Michigan into Weschester Airport in NY. He said that about half of the people were masked, including the flight attendant. Ed had to go there for work, so he went alone for 3 days. This was his first road trip in a few years b/c of Covid, so Rosa made him stay at a Marriott hotel near his business meeting with free breakfasts so he would not have to sit around in a Starbucks with people who could carry COVID. He will isolate from the kids for 48 hours after taking a rapid test after he gets home.
Anon
Has anyone tried the Everlane loafers? And have any recommendations re loafers that won’t chew up your feet if worn sockless?
Anon
I swear by my Paul Green loafers, but they are pricey. On the other hand, if you chose a classic style, they will last for a decade. I also have a pair of Born loafers that are pretty comfortable, but those are suede so the leather is less structured.
Anon
Related Q: if you have crossed the bridge to wearing loafers with dresses/skirts, what colors are you wearing? Black always seemed too harsh in the wild (on a casual shoe like a loafer), but seems to look better with office wear? Cognac? I don’t think I am on the classic Team Oxblood (but previously was), at least until fall, and also just want to get one pair. Cognac? Am in a decision paralysis oddly on this.
MagicUnicorn
I have a whiskey-colored Born loafer that is incredibly comfortable and a very versatile color.
Anonymous
Bright blue!
anon
I have gray and tan loafers that seem to work well. Cognac also would be great!
Anonymous
I have pink Vionic loafers and they are the best.
Anne-on
I find the MGemi loafers extrodinarily soft and comfortable but they are $$. The sperry saybrook loafers are very comfortable and sleeker looking (to my eye), they also come in a lot of pretty spring colors.
Aunt Jamesina
Everlane shoes run super narrow, although I don’t have experience with those particular shoes.
Anon in PHL
I wore them every day for years. They do run narrow so I would size up if you have wider feet.
A
Tods. Pricy but so worth it.
Tonsillectomy
Has anyone had their tonsils out as an adult? I may be doing it to help manage a chronic condition. Any experience appreciated.
Anon
It was mentioned to me as a possible help to chronic allergies and sinus infections that have gone on for years (although a redness in my ear that was “diagnosed” as repeated ear infections turned out to be a tumor, so I’d really want some high-test doctors to weigh in in the ENT specialty vs a GP). I didn’t pursue it and am OK (possibly after some significant missteps). I did graduate to allergy testing and allergy shots though. Maybe rule out absolutely everything else first?
Tonsillectomy
Thank you. I am working with 2 specialists and seem to have ruled out all other options. Even the tonsillectomy may not solve my issue, but it’s the only remaining option to try that is covered by insurance. (The other option is so expensive that I have no prayer of being able to pay out of pocket.)
Anonymous
My sister-in-law just had this done in her mid-30s. She had a very painful initial recovery period (she says she would rather have another c-section than go through the first 10 post-tonsillectomy days again), but is now grateful she did it.
Anon
My brother did this and said it was horrible. He couldn’t swallow even sips of water for days. The doctor was very unsympathetic and just said that’s how it is. Sorry I don’t have better news.
Anon
I did. It was rough, even though I’d been warned and was expecting it. The recovery is really as painful as everyone says.
That said, the week and a half of miserable recovery was worth it for me. It solved my issue (frequent strep infections, which are also no fun). On balance, it was worth the price for me. I’ve been 15+ years without a strep infection, and I had been having 4/5 per year. Good luck!
A
Had my tonsils out as a teen. Painful but I could eat ice creams all the time. Things may have changed in the last 30 years though.
Anonymous
I’m helping a family member kick off retirement savings. They are behind, in their early thirties, and will probably be a low/medium earner for the long term. They have $19000 of 401k max saved and currently don’t have a 401k available. My experience is at the other end of the income spectrum, so for instance, I was glad to have never started a Traditional IRA pre-grad school, so I could easily start a Backdoor Roth IRA.
Is the correct advice for my family member a Traditional IRA?
Anonymous
Wow the correct takeaway is that your family member is doing great!! Yea a trad IRA but also be less judgy
Anon
The math is stark though — it may grown well with inflation and higher interest rates but it will need to grow a lot. 19K is not going to last me long in retirement unless I am living in a completely paid-off house or with my hypothetical children. And the women in my family tend to live into their 90s.
Anon
But it sounds like this person is in their thirties and contributing more, so the $19k will grow by a lot.
Anon
Presumably they’re not going to retire tomorrow.
Anon
If they are a low earner, why not a regular ROTH? With low tax rates, the foregone deduction doesn’t cost them as much as it costs a high earner. Or just save in a taxable vehicle, but look at buy-in sizes that let you get into a tax-managed low-turnover class of ownership (e.g. Vanguard admiral shares) or something you could get that way in time? If you are in a low bracket, even taxable savings is fine — you are taxed on the current yield or 100% upon withdrawal and their brackets may not change much (esp. vs a high earner’s experience). Plus, their choices may be better.
Anon
Definitely at least a Roth IRA. Is the currently-existing 401k still in the 401k, or is it in a rollover account? They may want to plan ahead to stay away from pro-rata issues.
Anonymous
Still in the 401k.
Anon
Leaving it where it is or rolling it to a new company’s 401k will prevent pro-rata issues. (That may not be a big concern, but I like to preserve as much flexibility as possible.)
Anon
For someone with a low income, the answer is definitely a Roth IRA, since they’re currently in a low tax bracket and the money will then grow tax free forever. Once you’re in a higher bracket, it can be more debatable, but we still max out Roth IRAs (in addition to pretax accounts) to give us more tax flexibility in retirement. Also, you can always withdraw Roth contributions penalty free, which really helped me feel more comfortable starting retirement saving when my income was very low and I didn’t know if I’d need the money for something else. It helped a lot to know that I could just take it back out if something came up, though I’ve never had to actually do that.
Anon
You “why not a ROTH IRA” people — you are my people! I have finally found a bunch of women who think about and care about this stuff!
OP
Thank you to the “why not” Roth IRA people! Exactly why I asked!
Anon
I am Team Roth! I don’t make enough to max out my employer 401k so I contribute 8% and I throw another $200/mo into a Roth.
Funnily enough, I just made a big income jump from 55k to 80k and I panicked thinking maybe my income would be too high for a Roth. Jokes on me, the limit is 144k!
London (formerly NY) CPA
I just did my taxes and had no idea my AGI would be too high this year (didnt think about bonuses + investment earnings–just my salary), so I had contributed the full $6K. Now that I did my taxes and saw it was too high, I need to take the money out of my Roth and pay some sort of penalty. It’s on my list to figure out. If anyone has any advice on the process, I’d love to hear it!
Pompom
This happened to me too this year. The penalty was calculated as $24. I paid it.
Pompom
(I just didn’t have the ability to make the withdrawal by tax day. I will do it!)
anonymous
This is admirable on a personal level, but with Covid, climate change crisis, Ukraine, and Trumpist attacks on democracy, I don’t see any practical reason to save for retirement.
Anon
Honestly I agree.
Anon
Sounds like you are assuming we won’t be here in 30 years or the US and it’s financial system will collapse. If that’s the case, then why have kids, pursue high paying stressful careers? Why not just move to an island and enjoy the remaining years we have?
Anonymous
This is the reason I just hired a financial advisor. I want him to tell my husband that we are saving more than enough and it’s OK to spend a little enjoying life here and now.
Anon
Same! The stock market growth we’ve had over the last 100 years is inextricably tied to climate change and the system is completely unsustainable over the remaining 30+ years I have until retirement. I do save just in case/to hedge my bets/because it’s dumb not to at least earn my match, but can’t bring myself to max when that would require dramatically cutting my charitable giving and discretionary spending. And for the record, I’ve chosen not to have children for very similar reasons.
Group fitness classes?
Sorry to start off Friday with a Covid question, but are people avoiding packed group fitness classes like SoulCycle, etc., or are you just living your life? I really would like to go to a class this weekend, but am wondering if that’s basically just ensuring that I will get Covid. I’m in NYC, where cases have really been going up, if that influences anyone’s thoughts.
Cat
I would guess that the same people who are attending indoor fitness classes are the same people who are living a more regular life, generally. (That may mean they already had Omicron, counterintuitively lol)
Decide for yourself and your risk tolerance accordingly.
Anonymous
I’ve had omicron and 3 vaccines, I’m living my life normally now. I don’t care anymore.
anon
+1
Elle
+1
Anonymous
I have not had omicron yet, so I’m more cautious. I am only attending group fitness classes when the giant garage door at the back of the studio is open, and I’m wearing a mask when I don’t feel a breeze. The BA.2 surge hasn’t gotten underway here, and caseloads are still low. If I were in NYC I wouldn’t go to classes at all.
anon
Yup, same.
Anonymous
What is counter intuitive about it? I got my three shots. I live my life. I then got Covid, was briefly sick, have recovered and am continuing to live my life. I’m glad I haven’t stayed home for two years out of anxiety.
Cat
oh I just meant it may be that you may be “safer” in such a setting (despite initially thinking you’re not bc indoor, panting) because the odds that the participants are infectious may actually be lower BECAUSE they’ve been living their lives.
I don’t care what decision the OP makes, just playing out the “odds” in my head :)
Anon
In my city, this crowd probably had OG COVID, all 3 shots, and Omicron. Probably pretty safe.
Anonymous
FFS, not wanting to catch COVID is not “anxiety.” It’s rational.
Anon
It’s really not, considering how likely it is that you’ll get it and recover and be fine.
In the last 24 months, I’ve known two people who died of Covid (both pre-vaccine) and two people who got it and struggled for a month or two afterward (one pre-vaccine; one post) but are fine now. By contrast, 5 people I know have died of cancer, 3 people have died of heart attacks, one was killed in a bike accident and one was killed in a car accident. I am sure that people are going to say “your anecdotal experience doesn’t constitute statistics” but – if you look at actual statistics for cause of death in people under 75, my experience is kinda representative. The fact that people are walking around terrified of Covid (or long Covid) and aren’t getting their cancer screenings or exercising because they think they can or should put that off is mind-boggling to me. Two of the people I know who died of cancer were under 40. One of the heart-attack deaths was under 50. There’s a lot more out there to be scared of that’s much more likely to impact you than Covid, if you want to live your life in fear.
Anon
I don’t think most vaccinated people (unless they have “four or more comorbidities” or advanced age) are afraid of straight up dying at this point. And you’re right that people need to consider other risks (though it’s not helping that our general healthcare capacity is far from normal still; the wait times are significant where I live).
But multiple people I know who developed complications after breakthrough infections are still far from fine after many months. Since our public health organizations have chosen not to track all the outcomes that might inform our decisions, it makes sense to me that people are making different decisions based on the outcomes we see in our own circles. We honestly don’t have a whole lot more to go on besides random studies? But as far as random studies go, we know that having had a mild COVID19 infection is a substantial risk factor for heart attack. We’re concerned that the immunological changes following infection could be a risk factor for cancer, but that’s still being studied. So it’s not really an “either/or.”
Anonymous
Like. Yes you might get Covid. If you’re looking to avoid any chance of Covid, stay home forever. But many of us even on this very anxious board have been back to group fitness for literal years now.
Anonymous
There is a difference between not staying home forever and avoiding events that by their nature are higher risk.
Anonymous
Dingdingding. This group acts like people who are going about most normal activities masked and are just cautious about super high-risk and unmasked activities are living as hermits.
Anon
Yes, this.
Anon
Yep, I’m very cautious because several family members are high risk. I don’t do indoor dining or indoor fitness classes based on my own cost benefit analysis. I flew for a work event, went to two unmasked work dinners, and recently went to two indoor personal events. I just make sure to get a pcr test and avoid my family members after each event. I take risks that are worth it while protecting my loved ones. Masks on public transportation and in stores is seriously a no brained at this point.
Cb
I’m going to my first yoga class in 2 years next week. I should have gone when cases were really low over the last year, but couldn’t make the leap. I feel my life, by necessity, is more high risk (2x weekly plane travel) so I should probably do something fun.
anon
Living life. No longer care.
Anon
I moved my life outside when the pandemic started (living the REI/ tennis life) and just go to the gym to lift now.
Anon
Just living my life, I’ve had 3 vaccines and been close exposed so many times but never got covid. I consider myself lucky there, but also it moved my risk needle a lot.
Anon
There is a study going on about whether some people are just immune. I would love to follow this study as I’m convinced I should have gotten it by now but haven’t. Hope I didn’t just jinx myself.
Anon
Also hope I don’t jinx myself, but I haven’t gotten it and totally wonder if I’m immune. I’ve been pretty careful, three vaccines, but once numbers started going down, I resumed normal activities and have been fine.
Anon
I’ll see you and I’ll raise you a bunch of kids, one in the delayed 5-11 bucket in a city with maybe 20% vaxxing of kids and really questionable masking techniques. I fully expected it last August and again in January. Still nothing. Mask mandates were lifted 1.5 months ago. And my kids were not great on hand washing (and one is an enthusiastic nose picker still, ugh).
anon
I thought this way until I got it last month. I’m recovered and continue to live my life. I have an unvaxxed little kid, too, and she got it… and she’s fine. Risk/reward calculus is different for all, OP, and mine has certainly evolved in the last two years.
Anon
Same here. My husband even got it last week and while we tried to be careful about isolation I was sure I’d get it but nope, multiple negative tests.
Cb
That’s really interesting. We’re currently waiting for the other shoe to drop. We were with my parents Friday-Monday, and on Sunday, my dad started feeling crap, and tested positive Monday AM. We all tested negative so hurried home, abandoning poor dad in a hotel, and none of us have had a positive test yet (including my too-young-to-be vaccinated 4 year old). I am supposed to fly on Tuesday but who knows…
anon
We were in a large group two weekends ago and one of the couples tested positive two days afterwards. Two of us got non-covid sick (bronchitis for me – yay) but out of the rest of the group (20+ plus kids – some vaxxed some not), no one else is confirmed to have caught CV-19. We were all in close quarters and we all hugged everyone so . . . ?
Anon
9:43 here, yeah I think I might be in that category or the vaccines just really worked for me. Both kids had it, couldn’t avoid them, been in numerous meetings with people who had it, been to large superspreader events, etc. I test all the time and nada.
Anonymous
I hope I don’t jinx myself, too, but I have been living my life close to normally, including eating and drinking indoors, indoor workouts (well-ventilated and sometimes mask mandated sometimes not), shopping regularly (masked), attending a few indoor parties, and working in the office part-time since Summer 2020. My BF did the same plus travelled to high-infection areas throughout. Neither of us has been sick and regular antibody testing from blood donations shows no history of infection. I think some people must be immune/less susceptible. (Don’t yell at me. I did make efforts to mitigate risk and to not expose cautious people or store employees, and routinely masked, but I was balancing a brewing mental health crisis and broke no local rules except a curfew imposed early on.)
AFT
The people I know who have gotten covid recently tend to be the never-anyone-in-household-infected-until-spring-2022 types. And I feel terrible bc many have also been incredibly conservative up to now. I know a ton of people who have had it in their households but 1 or more household member just doesn’t get it… and then hasn’t gotten it elsewhere. I’ve seen some theories that this immunity could from a cold that was just enough like COVID to teach your body how to respond… or alternatively these people had the tiniest bit of infection that generated an immune respones but never rose to the level of testing positive. I find the whole thing fascinating.
I’m a moderately conservative, fully vaxxed & boosted, not-yet-infected-but-kids-had-it (and are now vaccinated as well) person but am mostly living my life, just KN95 masking in high-risk situation (e.g., gym full of families for a band concert, airplane, etc). The only situations I’m truly “avoiding” are ones I don’t want to be in, and that’s more like a values-readjustment versus COVID risk. like, i’ll take on the risk to go to a concert and wear a mask if I want to see the show, but wouldn’t if I didn’t care.
Anon
Pretty sure this will be us. Hermit-ish (easy to do when schools closed for 2020 AND 2021) and I bet we get mowed down at a violin recital or similar. At least it is warming up so outside will be nice and not OMG get the heavy parks and the hot hands.
No Face
Same. I was cautious pre-vaccines and during the Delta and Omicron surges. After the Omicron surge went past its peak, I went completely back to normal even though I have an unvaccinated toddler.
The precautions themselves have consequences and they weren’t good for my family. We will be 100% normal unless there is another massive variant surge that swamps the hospital.
Anonymous
I am so sick of this “precautions have consequences” absolutism. Yes, there are tradeoffs, but there are a lot of precautions you can take that have virtually no cost. I wear a mask to sing in choir. It’s annoying, but singing is just about the highest-risk activity in which you can engage, so the benefit is much greater than the cost. I wear a mask to the store. That is much easier than singing in a mask, so virtually no cost even if the gain is smaller. I work out at home. Not as fun as group fitness at the Y, but again it’s a relatively small sacrifice for a massive gain. I eat outdoors at restaurants instead of indoors. I preferred outdoor dining even before the pandemic. If the weather is foul we get takeout. Again, low cost, big reward.
The big cost for me is permanent WFH with my husband also permanent WFH, but that was imposed on us and wasn’t our choice to make. If I had the choice I’d be back at work with a closed office door and a HEPA filter, or I’d be working from home while my husband went to his office.
Anon
I wonder if I had it in December (post-late-November booster) b/c I felt rotten for a bit. You couldn’t get a test then for love or money, so I will never know I guess. If that’s what it was, it was like a bad cold but I’ve been 100% since I got better from it (like a week later).
Anon
Same here. Three vaccines, never had it (or maybe should say, if I had it it wasn’t symptomatic and so therefore I didn’t test for it). None of us in the house have gotten it. Either we’re lucky or we’re just immune, who knows. Either way we’re living our lives like it’s 2019. No different.
Betsy
I have been pretty cautious all along, but at this point I have transitioned to making decisions on a risk/reward basis. I go to yoga maskless whenever I want because it makes me a lot happier. I always wear a mask at the grocery store because that’s an easy way to cut back on risk without any downsides. Someone looking at me might think my masking is inconsistent and weird (for example, I’ll eat in a restaurant if I want to, but if I’m going in to pick up takeout I always wear a mask) but it’s entirely focused on reducing risk where I can do so without significant downsides. So for me personally, I would go to the class this weekend, but if I were choosing between multiple studios if one had better ventilation or was less crowded, I would go there.
Ribena
I’m mostly just living my life, easing back in the week or so ahead of any events I really don’t want to miss. The spin studio at my gym looks more spaced out than some I see online though, and certainly there are a whole bunch of bikes unused pushed up against the back wall to make space for the others to be more spread out.
In October/November I started to be expected to take more risks for my work life (conferences etc), and I decided that I didn’t want to only take risks for work but also to do some fun things too, like Cb I think?
Never knowingly had Covid – other than the horrible cough I brought back from the Alps in Jan 2020
Cb
Yeah, I think I started to find it soul-destroying to have to get on a plane with the stag / hen do crowd, to go and teach a bunch of unmasked and likely unvacccinated students, and then eat lunch on a cold park bench? I’m still pretty cautious – I’ll eat outside if weather permits, we do lots of outdoor meet ups, I wear my mask everywhere – but I needed some joy in my life.
Ribena
Yes exactly! The risk-reward approach as Betsy describes it above.
Santa Fe
I’ve been going to group fitness classes (Orange Theory) since September 2021 and continued through Omicron. A few people in my studio that I know of got COVID in the January timeframe (not seemingly from each other because of timing), but we didn’t have mass absences or anything, so those people certainly didn’t infect the whole class.
I’ve gotten all recommended vaccines and boosters and continued masking far past when others in my city were masking, but I feel comfortable in class. I just decided that I wanted to feel normal again and working out helps me with that. It’s helped my mental state so much. Yes it’s risky in the grand scheme, but it’s a risk I’m glad I took.
Santa Fe
I have not had COVID, by the way.
Anonymous
+1 – also back at Orangetheory. I did have omicron, but I know I caught it from my husband and not OTF (I had it after not having gone for a week bc DH was traveling for work and I was home with the kids… DH brought it home with him). I’m totally back to life now after 3 shots and having it.
Anonymous
another one of the OTF crew here – I’ve been going back since June 2020 masked, and it’s been fine. Mask mandate was lifted a couple months ago and I sometimes wear a mask, sometimes I don’t. Haven’t gotten covid at all.
Peloton
+1. The risk of depression, obesity, heart disease, and other complications from inactivity are higher for my personal situation, right now, than the risks from COVID. The gym helps cut those risks. Despite my username, I am decidedly NOT a work-out-at-home girlie.
anon
I’ve been going to OrangeTheory since it opened back up last year so yea living my life. I am vaxxed, boosted, and have had covid FWIW.
Senior Attorney
I’m in my 60s and my husband is in his 70s so even though we’re quadruple vaxxed, I still don’t want us to get infected. I’m largely living my life (doing semi-private trainer sessions at the gym) but crowded group fitness classes are probably permanently off my agenda.
Senior Attorney
Coming back to say the gym with the classes I loved was sadly a casualty of the pandemic. If it were still open my calculus might be different — as it is, there are no options I love enough to make them worth the risk.
Peloton
I’m pregnant and am going to gym classes without a mask as regularly as the kid allows me to. If you’re thoroughly vaxxed, your risks of serious negative outcome are very, very low. I am comfortable with the relatively low and uncertain risk of COVID-related complications to my pregnancy because I am at high risk of pre-e, pre- and postpartum depression, and GD thanks to my underlying medical state. I’ll probably stop after the kid comes out, or will mask up.
If you aren’t vaxxed, or if you have a non-vaxxed child or adult in your household, I’d stay out of them for now. You could mask up, but I wouldn’t rely on that.
Also Anon
I’m still avoiding spin classes because they’re really hard to do in a mask, but I am going to things like barre and indoor rowing because they’re less intense and I can wear a mask without feeling like I’m gonna pass out. I personally don’t feel ready to do group fitness without a mask just yet.
Anonymous
Yup. There are plenty of options that are safer than OTF in a stuffy room full of huffing unmasked people. And if choosing barre with a mask instead of OTF is going to have a huge adverse impact on a person’s mental health, that person has bigger problems that need to be addressed.
Santa Fe
I’ve always been told that the best exercise is the one you’ll stick with, and OTF is what I’ve been able to stick with best (went for a long time before the pandemic and waited a year and a half before going back).
I’m not saying I would be suicidal or anything without it. But I was just explaining above my enjoyment outweighs my understanding of the risks, which is based on a mixture of keeping up the best I can with the science and my own personal experiences.
It’s ok if your risk calculus is different or if you enjoy barre more! The OP asked about risk assessment and whether she was sure to get COVID in a crowded exercise class, which she is not.
Anonymous
She isn’t sure to get Covid but she’s more likely to in that setting. Fine for anyone wanting to accept the risk. But the “science” explanations here of “I didn’t get sick, so therefore it’s safe” and “I will get heart disease or severe depression if I don’t absolutely exercise this way” is so stupid.
Anonymous
There are a bunch of people around here who frequently claim that wearing masks in school or avoiding OTF does make people suicidal, though.
DC optometrist?
Recommendations for an eye doctor in DC? Either downtown or near Takoma would be preferable, but open to elsewhere. TIA!
Anon
I really like the optometrist at My Eye Doctor at 19th and I. (I think they got that office just so they could have an Eye Street address 😉)
Anon
OMG when I was first interviewing in DC I can remember going over a map in great detail trying to figure out where Eye Street was. It makes total sense to me now but OMG I was in a panic about missing interviews and Metro stops.
eye doctor
In Arlington, but Dr. Chuh at Crystal Eye Care is the best eye doctor I’ve ever seen and you can usually schedule pretty quickly. You can easily get there by metro (crystal city) or park in the underground garage.
anon a mouse
Sam Stopak in DC is fantastic. I had to switch because he dropped my insurance, but if he takes yours, definitely see him.
Anon
Amy Green-Simms is wonderful if you need an ophthalmologist rather than an optometrist. She’s one of my favorite healthcare providers ever.
Korvapuusti
I also saw Amy, and would agree!
Anon
Suggestions for law school reunion outfits? It’ll be in Chicago next weekend, so temps are looking like they’ll be in the mid-50s (ugh, one reason I do not miss Chicago). Size 8/10, still carrying some post-partum belly weight. Need two evening outfits – one is for a happy hour, so pretty casual, and one for a dinner (something less than a cocktail dress but more than jeans).
TIA!
Anonymous
Rent the runway is fun for this type of thing.
Anon
+1
Most of my clothes for this weather are black / gray winter pieces. Nothing that is joyful or spring-like.
Senior Attorney
J Crew Factory has some cute dresses for not a lot of money. I got this one and am enjoying it a lot: https://factory.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/clothing/dresses/casual-dresses/cotton-tie-waist-tiered-midi-dress/BF890?color_name=vivid-azalea
Graduation Present Question
Hi Ladies – Our neighbors are hosting a college graduation open house/party for their daughter this weekend. We would like to bring a card with cash (or a gift card) as a present for the graduate. What is the right dollar amount to include? These are great neighbors; we don’t see them very often, but when we do, we’re on friendly terms even if we don’t know them that well. We’d like to congratulate their daughter without going overboard (or giving seemingly too little). In case this matters, this is a HCOL area and the daughter went to a private college.
Anon
My gut sense is half of what you would give a family member, but am willing to be told otherwise.
Jolene
$50
Cat
yup, with I would say $100 being on the “oh nice generous” but not “wow weirdly generous” end.
Anon
Agreed. $50 is nice, $100 is really nice. More is too much in this case.
Anon
I agree with $50
Ribena
Agree with the dollar amount, but also maybe attach a card with your work contact details and the offer to have a chat about what you do and how you got there, if you’re up for that. When I graduated 6ish years ago, that would have been so valuable!
pugsnbourbon
$50 to $100.
Did folks on this board do college grad parties for themselves or their kids? We definitely all had our high school graduation parties – I worked at the grocery store and wrote on all the cakes for them – but I don’t think anyone I know had a party after college. Not judging, just wondering if maybe it’s regional.
Anon
Girl, I had one after college and law school too! I was the first person in my family and extended family to graduate from college, so I felt like it was appropriate. My law school one I hosted myself and invited loads of people that I had hardly seen in the three years of school — it was a fun “it’s finally over” party.
pugsnbourbon
I’m glad! Now that I think about it I kinda wish I’d had one :)
Anon
We – grandparents who could travel, parents, siblings, BFF and her boyfriend – went out to lunch after college. I went to a grandparent’s alma mater, so he was beyond thrilled.
Did a family BBQ after law school graduation. It got the family together, and it was the last time the other grandfather got to see his SIL and BIL (his deceased wife’s sister and her husband).
Anon
I only had a high school grad party. And my parents gave me a very nice high school grad gift but we did nothing to commemorate graduating college and it felt weird because graduating high school is the bare minimum and it was HARD for me to get through college. It felt like so much more of a milestone and an accomplishment and it felt hardly recognized and that was very weird to me.
Anon
I didn’t even go to my college graduation. Had to work that day, nobody would have come anyway and couldn’t afford the fees.
pugsnbourbon
I didn’t go to mine either. I had to be at my job a week later and didn’t want to spend a whole day listening to a thousand names.
Cat
I wish I could have skipped mine. Graduations are SO BORING.
Anon
I agree. Would have been nice if somebody other than me gave a damn, though, but then again, I didn’t do it for them.
Anne-on
I had a college graduation backyard BBQ but not a high school graduation party. In my area BIG sweet 16 celebrations were a thing so I’d guess there wasn’t a desire to do a second big party within a year or so of that.
Ann Onamess
I didn’t have a high school or college graduation party. For high school my “grad party” was a trip to Alabama for a huge concert. For college, my “grad party” was another trip to Alabama for a trip to the Talladega race. The trips were a lot more fun than any party I’ve ever been to. (and yes, I am a bit unconventional.)
I think only two of my friends had grad parties after college. We went to a branch campus of a major university, so our college years were a bit different — we were “commuter students” and worked our way through school. Maybe if we’d have lived on-campus and had a more traditional college experience, it may have been a different story. High school grad parties are a big deal around here — most families start planning in March or April before graduation so they can book a pavilion at a park or some other event space if they need to, and because of the limited window when it’s appropriate to hold a party. Who wants to have their grad party in August?
Anon
I would not have had a party for my daughter’s college graduation this June (we live on the West Coast and this does not seem to be a thing among her peer group) And then half my family (in the South) started texted very excitedly about coming to the ceremony and how wonderful it was and how proud I must be Long story short – I am now hosting a graduation party because 12 members of my family (ages 14-80) are flying across the country
I come from a place where not very many people graduate from college (my father did not and will say that the fact that he sent all 4 of his children to college is his greatest accomplishment) and it is a pretty big deal there so I suspect this might be regional/cultural
NYCer
$50-$100.
Anonymous
That seems excessive for an acquaintance. We give $100 for weddings.
Anon
To give a different point of view, I would give $20.
anon
Recommendations for what to do with 24 hours in Toronto? I’ll be staying near the CN tower. I’ve never been! I like hipster-y shopping, good coffee, and vegetarian food. No museums, I’d rather spend time walking neighborhoods and getting a feel for the city.
Anonymous
Planta burger is really good and nearby.
Emma
We were there recently and had a nice Italian meal at Ardo’s. A trip to the Islands is a nice change of scenery on a nice day. The Distillery district is cute (and had a few hispster-looking shops and art galleries, although my husband is allergic to shopping so I didn’t really explore), as is walking around the waterfront. It’s worth going up the CN tower if you have never been. It can lean a little twee, but I have some cute clothes from Birds of North America (Canadian brand – they have a store on Queen Street). Saint Lawrence market was a fun stop for lunch, although I honestly don’t remember if they have veggie options (husband got a peameal bacon sandwich, I got a lobster roll, both very good, and we got a delicious scone from a bakery near the entrance).
Anonymous
Kensington Market is more hipster-y than St. Lawrence and will definitely have veggie options
Anonymous
The hipster-y area is the West End – Queen Street West and Dundas Street West neighbourhoods, if you want to get a real feel for the city (the CN tower area is the tourist area).
Seafinch
St. Lawrence Market, walk along waterfront, Distillery District.
Lawsuited
With 24 hours, I’d go up the CN Tower seeing as you’re so close to see the view of the city, then walk around the Distillery district (it’s a nice mixture of quaint and hipster and designed for pedestrian traffic) and go to one of the restaurants there (El Catrin is a fave). If you have more time for shopping and walking, Queen Street is your best bet for more independently-owned hipster-y stores, and close to where you’re staying. Bloor Street is well-known but further and mostly big brand and designer stores.
Anon
I had a wretched March. Like with nighmares due to stress. Will the Sue Sartor x Katie Kime collaboration take me to a happier place? And do I also want a serving tray? I think maybe I do.
pugsnbourbon
I’ve recently started yelling in my sleep. Between me, my snoring wife, and our elderly pug, I’m just glad we aren’t in an apartment any more.
Instead of a serving tray, what about a funky vintage bar cart?
https://www.chairish.com/product/4291088/danish-modern-bar-cart
https://www.chairish.com/product/4241760/bar-cart-in-wood
https://www.chairish.com/product/985163/maison-jansen-bar-cart
Anon
I love the idea, but we don’t dare have glassware. The serving tray seems to be the sort of things we wouldn’t ruin in one take.
Anon
My husband yells in his sleep (really weird sh*t, too) and I kick and punch in my sleep. Yet he bemoans the end of our marriage when I suggest separate besroosms.
Anon
Spouse is a germaphobe and regularly vacates the room lest his anxiety keep him up about infecting me (has never happened). I get the best sleep of my life when that happens (am a good sleeper otherwise, but this is like amazing coma level deep sleep) and I am so rested. Maybe twin beds in the same room?
Anon
We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms since before we got married and it’s wonderful.
Senior Attorney
OMG look at this one… https://www.chairish.com/product/1871767/arthur-umanoff-bar-cart-with-wine-rack-and-butcher-block
anonshmanon
I bought a huge beautiful serving tray on society 6, but it is so wide that it’s difficult to go through doors in my house, so I don’t use it much. I love my smaller trays.
Jules
Another rec for trays from society 6. I bought one – wood or bamboo, not lucite – as a 2020 Christmas gift for my kid, it still looks great.
Anon
I use a serving tray every morning for my breakfast. It fits my plate with toast and an egg, my teacup with a wide saucer, a glass of ice water, a little bowl of fruit, a little saucer for my tea bag, and my silverware. My kitchen is not that terribly far from the dining room, through a butler’s pantry (old house) but just far enough that it’s easier to use the tray to make one trip. It also simplifies taking the dishes back into the kitchen.
So yes, I think you will use a serving tray!
Anon
Ps serving trays are great on top of ottomans to turn them into extra table space when you have people over.
Anon
I’m jealous and need some of this energy in my life. I usually end up eating toast over the sink while prepping lunches for me and kid, but now that kid is in elementary school the “I have a kid” excuse is wearing thin. Starting Monday, I’m going to sit down and enjoy my breakfast like an actual human!!
Anon
Does anyone have a Tory Burch tunic shirt? I have long loved the look and wanted to splurge. But the models shown are often 5-10 and the tops are fairly long on them. I am half a foot shorter — so I’m guessing that this is a no-go, but is there something similar that would work on someone who is 5-4?
Anon
Again, models wear garments made specifically for modeling, which are longer than the actual garment sold in stores. You need to actually try it on. A different brand won’t have that Tory vibe.
NYC
Really?? I haven’t heard that models wear different garments!
Anon
Yeah, I don’t know that I believe this.
pugsnbourbon
I don’t know if the garment is different – it could be – but clothing is usually clipped/pinned to fit the model a certain way.
Anon
I know someone who has worked as a tailor on photo shoots. My impression was the garments start as off-the-rack and are then tailored to the model.
Formerly Lilly
5″2′ and I’ve got some tunics of appropriate length from Roller Rabbit.
Anonymous
I am 33, have $60k cash, $40k in student loans, and $35k in retirement. Was anyone else in this spot, or are you? I’ve been hoarding cash as I plan to payoff my student loans if there is no forgiveness (I rent and own an old car, so no other debt). So in a few months it might be $20k and $35k. I feel good about where I am for where I came from in life but I sometimes worry I am so behind and can never catch up since I didn’t have savings in my 20s.
Allie
That exact same spot – you’re doing great!
Anonymous
You are way ahead of where I was at that age. I graduated from law school with unanticipated debt (thanks, law school, for nearly doubling tuition but not scholarships!) at 32 and it took 10 years to pay off.
Anonymous
You are doing great. Keep it up!
Anon
From Nerdwallet, 401k balances by age:
Ages 30-39
Average 401(k) balance: $42,400.
Median 401(k) balance: $16,500.
I think a lot of people are going to struggle in retirement (which is one of the reasons I caution people against being SAHMs – whether or not you can pay every bill as it becomes due isn’t the same as whether or not you can afford to retire), but you are objectively ahead of the game.
Anonymous
I think you’re doing great. I’d also recommend you look concretely at that statement “I am so behind and can never catch up” and put some numbers to it so it can’t terrorize you as a general fear. What, exactly, are you trying to “catch up” to? Who are you comparing yourself to? What goal do you think is impossible for you to reach? Get a clear feel for where someone with your job in your industry at your age could expect to be by now, and in the future. DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF to high-achieving high-earners your age who work in different jobs in different industries or who have different life goals or different wealth starting points.
Santa Fe
I came from a poor family and have zero safety net beyond myself (other than whatever the US government would provide, which isn’t much). So, I get what you’re saying where you look at what you have and wonder if it will be “enough.” But just objectively, you are in great shape and you clearly have developed habits that encourage saving and money management. Sometimes it helps me to look at this very logically and objectively.
This board is not representative of the country in terms of savings/investments. People who post amounts of savings/investments here might not even be representative of this board (I.e., people with higher amounts are the ones who tend to post).
The vast, vast majority do not have the ability to save up an amount to pay off their student loans in one swoop. I have friends with all different paths and at varying degrees of being close to the edge.
Also consider whether some of the rhetoric around “how much you should have saved by X age” is marketing put out by places wanting you to use their investment vehicles. What matters is you have thought about the future and you have a plan to get there and you’re following the plan.
Anon
+1
Just once I want to read a money diary where the writer did things objectively “wrong” (chose a college with higher tuition, moved out when they could’ve lived with family, credit card debt). This board can feel like an echo chamber of generational wealth.
anon
Same age and have far less in cash and retirement so in my eyes, you’re doing amazingly well!!!
Anon
You’re doing great!
If you’re looking for somewhere safe to stash part of the cash, I Bonds are at a great rate right now, and you can ladder contributions for rolling expiration. If you contribue before May 1, you get the current rate (7.12%) for six months, and then the upcoming rate (9.62%) for the following six months.
Anonymous
You’re doing pretty well – I’m 34 and have about 15k in cash and 60k in retirement, but I did manage to pay of my student loans before the pandemic. No other debt other than a mortgage, which was partially funded by some family money.
This board skews really high income so a lot of the posts here about how much money people make/have in retirement funds is insane compared to the average American.
Anon
This board is really skewed high income! I have a little panic every time I see a thread about retirement savings. I lost a lot of time due to law school, graduating shortly after the recession, working very very low paying jobs and finally switching fields. Now I’m maxing out my 401k every year.
Anonymous
37 with about $50K in retirement and $11K in cash, with $50K still owed on student loans. You’re doing great! Just keep chipping away day by day.
Botox or Dysport and Aspirin
Have any of you who have had botox or dysport also taken daily aspirin? I have an elevated stroke risk caused by a clotting condition, so I’ve taken a daily aspirin for years. I’d like to try botox or dysport but saw that it’s not recommended if you take a blood thinner. I think just because of bruising.
I’m obviously going to ask the experts but trying to avoid going in for a pointless appointment if this is something I won’t be able to solve for! So curious if anyone else came upon this dilemma.
Anon
Not a doctor, but I was under the impression that it only mattered if you were taking it in the days immediately around the injection. I would talk to an expert to get a real answer, but I think there’s a good chance you could just skip it for a few days, like you would for other medical procedures.
Anon
I do not take daily aspirin, but I saw my injector the Monday after New Year’s, and she said she can absolutely tell who was drinking based on how they bleed. I use tretinoin and so I do react (bruise and bleed) more than average due to skin sensitvity, but I’m just careful and use arnica gel immediately after.
Anonymous
I believe the reason not to take aspirin on the same day as botox is that it increases the chances of bruising. It’s a cosmetic issue, not a medical one*
*I’m not a doctor but that’s what I remember my botox lady telling me
Doc rec
+1
This
Anonymous
For sure ask your provider, but I take a baby aspirin daily for stroke risk at the recommendation of my neurologist who also does my botox injections for migraines. He’s never mentioned stopping the aspirin before botox. I bruise easily but haven’t had any issues over literal years of botox injections every 3 months.
Anonymous
Just to close out the week, I am wearing a nap dress to Broadway tonight, the black lace Ellie :)
Anonymous
What are you wearing over it?
Cat
I think the more important question is what under it ;)
Anonymous
A black slip and leather jacket
No Face
I just learned the phrase “non scale victory” and I love celebrating gains that aren’t weight loss (because I’m barely losing weight, lol). I know I’m not the only person getting back into shape, so let’s share NSVs!
When I first started I could manage maybe 2 hour-long classes per week. Now I can do 6!
anon
Woo hoo! My NSV victory is that while my weight hasn’t changed much, I am eating in a much more balanced way and can tell that I’m less bloated and maaaybe have lost some fat?
Anonymous
I just moved my farmers carry from 53# to 60# and I can see the muscles in my forearm.
Ribena
I have signed up for a half marathon and ran five miles on Saturday – the furthest I’ve run since March 2020!
An.On.
I didn’t eat the leftover cake from easter for breakfast this morning!
Vicky Austin
Yes!! Mine is that I’ve learned to have “dessert” between lunch and dinner rather than after dinner. Since it’s earlier in the day/not my last food before bed/I’m not worn down from being ‘good’ all day, I have my serving, and then I’m done. After dinner, no sweet cravings since I just had something sweet a few hours before, and off to bed feeling good. I think I’m sleeping better because of it, too.
Anonymous
This is the second winter in a row where I kept fit by buying the right gear to keep exercising outdoors.
Curious
I carried my 20 lb baby to and from the swings at the park (from the car) and am not totally worn out! And I can do an actual side plank again for a short time. And walk a mile to a mile and a half.
The 40s are hard.
I didn’t eat any candy from the dish at work, and by dish I mean gumball dispenser of M&Ms. I didn’t graze off things from my pantry and fridge in the evening. On the day when I don’t plan my meals ahead, I made a sensible decisions that balanced treat vs. healthy eating.
I hate being a grown up. I seen the entire week telling myself that I was making the conscience decision not to eat something to prevent myself from grazing.
More Sleep Would Be Nice
I’ve never been a big shopper, but like many here I’m focused on shopping my closet, investing in quality pieces, and avoiding fast fashion.
What are good places to shop firsthand, and good fabrics to focus on generally? I’m thinking silk, cotton, and wool blends? I love anything crepe as well. I love in a subtropical climate so won’t ever need anything too heavy (e.g. 100% wool).
Anon
Generally, wool blends can be the devil. Merino + nylon may be your BFF though. Woolx? Sporty brands at REI?
Cotton is not great in your climate — can hold sweat and get clammy.
pugsnbourbon
Linen if you like the look!
Anon
I live in North Florida and find different weights of wool perfect for all seasons. My favorite summer workout tanks are very light wool. My layers in winter, wool again.
I have some linen, some cotton and a couple of sets of silk long underwear for when my office is chilled to 60 degrees but I need to dress up, but wool, 100% when possible but otherwise with a small bit of nylon for strength, is my workhorse.
Anon
Similar climate — which brands do you like?
Anon
Ibex is my ride or die, especially their old 100% wool, made in the USA Woolies1. Those are gauze-thin, hold up and are amazing. The rare time I can score new-old stock online I don’t care what color it is and probably pay more than I should. Smartwool is fine, when I can find it in 100% wool, which is rare these days. You really have to read their labels carefully, and they don’t tend to do 100% wool in their very light weight anymore.
Cat
FWIW, I find any wool blend incredibly itchy. If it’s not 100% merino or cashmere, I pass.
Cat
So- to OP- I would look for literally thinner sweaters in merino, like the JCrew Tippi which is nice as a single layer in the 50’s or 60’s, rather than go for a blend.
Anon
Talbots had a really nice fine-gauge merino sweater that came in a zillion colors this winter. I picked up several colors on deep, deep discount. There might still be some kicking around their site.
Anon
Cuyana
Anon
I like Naomi Nomi, Emerson Fry, Sue Sartor, Ann Mashburn, Faherty
Anon
Private question, but has perimenopause caused anyone else to start to smell more pungent? I find a few days before my period especially – I just sweat more, and especially in my cr@tch, it stinks :( I wear natural fabrics, and use antibacterial soap, but I feel like people can notice, and it makes me really self-conscious. Any other tips? Tricks? Is this something I should talk to my doctor about? Historically, whenever I mention perimenopause to any of my doctors, I haven’t gotten real clear directions. Some suggestion to take supplements, but nothing more concrete than that.
anon
Ugh, yes, I’m there with you. I feel disgusting. I’m not sure if others notice, but I sure do.
Lume
Not having that particular condition personally, but Lume deodorant really works. It can be used anywhere externally on the body, including privates. It goes on like a lotion. For some people (like me) it can last for days at a time without reapplying/shower.
Anonymous Grouch
Yes. I find that using a Carefree ActiFresh panty liner keeps things miraculously fresh.
Anon
Yep. I’m finding that shaving is no longer enough, the root bulb needs to go as well. I definitely stay cleaner when I wax. I’m investigating local electrolysis to get my pits and bikini line done.
Anne-on
For general de-stinking when I can’t immediately shower, the tub of old-school red stridex pads is awesome and cheap as anything. There is lots of research on how acids (not super strong ones) are great for killing the stinky bacteria. Obviously don’t use it on the mucus membranes, but for wiping down where hair grows it works great. I also find it does wonders at cutting down the chest/neck/back acne that happens if I can’t immediately shower after a workout class, so I used to keep a tub in my gym bag.
Anonymous
Antibacterial soap might be a bad idea. Have you tried non-scented non-soap meant for intimate areas?
anonshmanon
yeah, if you are looking to use special soap in that area, your doctor will have advice.
Anony
Antibacterial soap tends to kill ALL bacteria (good and bad) which can exacerbate smells, etc. I had an issue where regular, aluminum-based deodorant was making me extra stinky. I switched to soap/washcloth on my pits and Native deodorant which fixed it. I’d look into an all-natural or specific lady bits soap – I’ve heard good things about Love Wellness pH Balancing Cleanser and SweetSpot Labs products.
Anon
Can confirm, I used HibiClens for pre-op showering, and never did I reek so badly as I did in the 2-3 days following that procedure.
PolyD
I bought a scrubby mitt thing and found when I use it on my pits (I shave them about every other day), it seems to help the deodorant/antiperspirant work better. I read somewhere that you can get build up of skin cells, products, etc. and scrubbing it off helps the new layer of product work better.
Note: I am not implying that the build up clogs pores or causes cancer or Alzheimer’s or whatever. That’s conspiracy talk.
Anon
As I, 40 year old woman, sit here waiting on Aunt Flo who is randomly absent, YES. I’m washing with Summer’s Eve soap (er, non-soap) as I have for literally decades, and wearing my same cotton panties, and it’s not cutting it anymore. The Lume deodorant suggestion above is a good one I might look into.
Anon
OP here – GREAT tips, thank you all! I just loaded up a digital cart of products to try.
Sybil
Man, thanks for posting this. I’ve noticed this a bit in the last few months but hadn’t made the connection that it could be hormonal.
Interior decorator
For people who have used interior decorators (designers? Not sure on terminology), how have you gone about choosing and working with someone? I’m buying my first house and would like to pay someone to help pick out paint colors, maybe ideas on light fixtures to update a 20 year old kitchen. Is it possible to hire someone for 10 or whatever hours of their time? I’m mid 40’s, never owned my own home.
Anon
The people at the paint store will usually do a consult for $50-100 or so and give you a credit for that amount to use for paint. If you have no clue, start there.
Anon
I can’t imagine that the old dudes who work at my local paint store would be any help for a color consultation. They’re very knowledgeable about paint, but I would not trust them with any aesthetic questions.
Anon
They have designery people for that and they will come to your house with large paint boards to see how colors look in different light and with your stuff or if empty. I swear it helped rule out colors and made me happy with what I chose after seeing it in different lights.
Anon
Google “color consultant” and your town. I used a wonderful woman years ago. They work hourly and often can help you “shop” your house to refresh rooms and do other light decorating.
OP
Thanks! I did a search and that does seem like what I’m looking for!
Anon
Help me decide if I should go to this happy-hour thing I got invited to tonight.
The invitation came from a former coworker who lives elsewhere but comes into town periodically. We’re friends on social media but otherwise don’t interact much. When she comes into town, she texts a group of other former coworkers and myself to go out for drinks. We all worked together at a particularly intense, crazy job 10+ years ago. It’s been fun over the years to keep up with people and a couple of the people in the group are semi-close friends that I am in regular contact with in between the out-of-towners visits.
This time it seems like she didn’t get a ton of responses to the invite (group text) and it may just be her, one of my friends I’ve kind of drifted apart from, and me. I am trying to decide whether this will be fun, or just kind of weird and awkward. Also: it’s Friday; I have two kind-of-painful meetings scheduled for today; everyone in our house has been sick in the last 3 weeks; I kind of just want to sit on the couch tonight with a cocktail and watch the finale and reunion of The Ultimatum. However, I have the opportunity to do that a lot and don’t always have an invitation to go to drinks. Part of me is like, ugh, I really don’t feel like doing this and the other part of me is like, I’m going to remind you about this the next time you complain that you’re bored and you never go out any more.
So, tell me your vote:
Option 1: Put on a clean top and some lip gloss and go to drinks. If it’s weird or awkward, you can always have one drink and then dip.
Option 2: Make yourself that mojito and get that BA-BUMMMMM going on the TV, girl! The Ultimatum is calling you!
Option 3: Something else I hadn’t considered, suggestions welcome.
Anon
Option 1.
Anon
As a shy introvert– go! If your brain is anything like mine, it’s trying to trick you into doing something low-effort that will ultimately be less fun. I don’t go out often so it always seems kind of daunting but I never regret going (as you said, you can always leave early!) but I have often regretted canceling plans in favor of sitting at home.
Anonymous
Option 1.
Anon
I’m a super introvert and since it’s an invite from an out-of-towner, I would go. It’s easier to blow off a local person who has more opportunities to get together. If you need to steel your spine, think of it as shoring up your networking group for future job searching.
Anon
Just go! You don’t have to stay forever. It will be better than only sitting on the couch and Netflix will be there when you get back.
AnonQ
Option 1 for sure. I am often tempted to skip plans but when I force myself to go for 1 drink usually end up having a great time. And if not, leaving after one drink is perfectly acceptable. Netflix will be there whenever you need it. Invites out may not.
Anon
Just go! The answer is always go and leave early if it’s not fun.
ALT
Option 1. I always regret not going to things like this, I’ve never regretted going.
Anon
Go. Always choose the option that increases your connections to people. Awkward is in your mind.
Belle Boyd
I say go. I’ll spend a whole day trying to convince myself to NOT go out and, not finding a good enough reason to say no, I’ll go and end up glad that I did. You can always leave after one drink as one poster above mentioned, or you may end up having a great, and well-needed night out of the house. The couch and the TV are always going to be there. Time with friends is often not.
Anonymous
Overwhelming vote is for #1 and I wholeheartedly agree. Also an introvert but I went to HH with some former coworkers just last night and it was surprisingly just what I needed to relax after a stressful week. I could talk crap about my work, and they understood exactly what I was talking about, whereas my friends don’t since they work in different industries. Feel free to dip early tho, you have the perfect excuse of your family has been sick, wanna go home and get some extra sleep.
Ses
Option 1. Probably won’t be awkward and might actually give you a chance to have more meaningful conversations with the smaller group. That could be nice.
Cat
Just go, and I say this as an introvert who also loves her some non-euphemistic Netflix & chill :)
Anon
The Hive has spoken and I heed your words. I already picked out my top and found a tube of lip gloss that hasn’t dried out, and I have cute shoes also. I may even get wild and do my eye makeup, who knows. Thanks for the assist!
Curious
Yay! Report back on Monday!
AFT
Good job OP! IME it’s easy to talk yourself out of going somewhere, but rarely do I go somewhere and say “I wish I hadn’t come.” Particularly true for folks you’ve fallen out of touch with but enjoyed at one point!
Anon
To add to the mask questions, has anyone taken a Lyft/Uber since the mask-mandate was lifted? Are drivers still generally wearing them or will they put one on if you ask? I’m in the DC metro area if that makes a difference.
Anon
Depends on the driver but I don’t think you have a right to ask.
Anon
I don’t understand this comment. How could I not have a right to ask?
Cat
you can certainly ask but since it is no longer legally required, a driver might not have one.
That said, drivers in more conservative areas will probably keep a mask in the car so they keep their high rating – doubt they want to lose their job for refusing in the face of a polite request.
Anon
Covid conservative, I imagine. Not politically conservative.
Cat
I thought that would be obvious from context, but yes.
Anon
I mean you can, but I wouldn’t. I’m not into imposing on other people. If you want to mask, go for it. But don’t expect others to. If you aren’t comfortable with that, don’t take Lyft or Uber.
Anon
The last time I took a Lyft, it was because something I was having done at the hospital went over time and the ride I needed wasn’t able to pick me up. I didn’t ask the driver to put his mask on over his nose despite the mandate because I didn’t feel too safe to do so while he was giving political rants. Men who drive taxis, Lyfts, and Ubers don’t seem to have many qualms about impositions in my experience.
Anonymous
When you don’t mask, you are imposing on me. Same as if you were smoking.
Curious
Sometimes Lyft and Uber will be my ride until I can drive again, and I’m immunocompromised. I will politely ask, and I can provide the mask.
Anonymous
Varies widely with the driver. I can’t find it just now but I believe the taxi commission in DC has said that mask are required as of yesterday. So consider a taxi but I believe in DC Uber/Lyft do fall under the taxi requirements for masking too but it is varying widely based on the driver because obv there is no enforcement of this. In a car though isn’t the best bet for you to mask + open both windows and kind of breathe out the window? I mean to me I trust that more than a driver’s mask under the nose.
Anon
Yeah my plan was to wear a mask and open the window next to me. Hadn’t thought about opening the window on the other side but going to do that as well. I think that should work but wanted to see what others thought about how to protect oneself for those who are still cautious about covid. Thanks!
Anon
In DC, masks are still required in taxis and ride shares.
Anon
Thank you, good to know! Hopefully that applies to VA and MD….
Anonymous
I live in Va. and no way it applies here; things have changed with our new leadership.
Anon
Youngkin unmasked in January in a grocery store: “You’re in Arlington! Read the room, buddy!” Dead. The best ever.
Anon
It doesn’t. It’s a order by DC’s Department of for-hire vehicles.
But I would expect that Uber and Lyft drivers will have masks in their car as a result, and would be shocked if any of them pushed back against a request to wear a mask
kitten
No longer required by Lyft/Uber in LA but I see some drivers voluntarily wearing one. I personally would not ask someone to put on a mask in their own vehicle but I assume some what oblige.
Anonymous
Have you ever hung out with an extended family that is wonderfully supportive of each other and thought wow is this how it’s supposed to be??
Got together with a friend last night who had her cousin in town so we all got together. Friend is an only child so her parents purposefully raised her to be close to her cousins [all males] so she’d have family support later on. 4 cousins on that side and from what I gathered they couldn’t be more different. Friend is a nurse in NYC; the visiting cousin – had a 15-20 year engineering career at a major company which he recently left to go work in the solar space – totally different from what he was doing before; another cousin is an MBA exec climbing the ranks at a fortune 500 and pretty high up; another dropped out of college, started working in restaurants and now owns a part of a small restaurant. They all live in wildly different places – NYC, Bay Area, Pacific NW, and New Mexico plus have different career paths so their lifestyles tend to vary a lot – houses, cars, vacations; all married, some have kids, my friend is childfree by choice. To hear them talk they genuinely seem to love each other, are wildly supportive of so and so got promoted; someone is running a marathon; someone got on the board for a charity; or so and so’s daughter got on theater crew for her high school play or whatever.
Made me be like WOW as I thought about my family where the cousins pretty much hate each other and are fake nice once in 5-10 yrs at a wedding. Unlike that family, our parents/aunts/uncles sowed the division and continue to do so even in their 70s with CONSTANT comparison. Immigrant family from a flashy money comes first culture. So it is CONSTANTLY about putting the cousins with the best stuff on the pedestal – the 5000 sqft house; the flashy cars that they replace every 3 years etc. There are 2 such cousins in Texas and NC and of course my biglaw money holds no candle to them because you can’t SEE the money as it sits in investment accounts and not in my 1 bed DC apartment or my car that’s driven once a week. I mean the cousins talk me down but TBH my parents do too with constant – you should upgrade your car or you’re ONLY looking at townhouses and they’re ONLY 1900 sqft or you never go anywhere/vacation. Makes you feel like being like uh you parents raised a family of 4 in 1900 sqft in a MCOL no where as expensive as DC, yet that much space for one person is not enough?? Part of me thinks I’ll always be devalued because I’m 40+ and unmarried and no one understands goals like financial independence/FU money/saving to maybe have a business later, and these 50 yr old cousins don’t have the best jobs, some openly talk about doing shady things like tax fraud to have some extra cash, yet they have not only the mansions but spouses and kids. But seeing this other family [not of my culture] I was stunned.
Anon
I married into a family where there is one side that no one talks to. Like they got the family business and not the daughters (b/c why give girls anything).
anon
Yeah, your extended family sucks. Pitting you guys against each other is really, really gross. I promise that not all families are this way. My extended family has its quirks and I get irritated sometimes, but yes, we’re generally all very supportive and enjoy each other’s company.
Anon
I come from a dysfunctional semi-estranged family, and in my view I’m very happy to have chosen the people I am closest to. Not to be a Pollyanna, but everyone that’s most important in my life has earned that position, not just automatically been slotted in due to bloodlines. So while I can see how you’re mourning what you see modeled elsewhere, also consider the opportunity to build something amazing from scratch.
Anon
Yeah, your family sucks. My extended family isn’t close, as we all live far away and don’t see each other often, but we’re always happy to see each other and supportive of what everyone’s doing. I’ve never heard anyone comment on anyone’s financial status or material goods, just hope for health and happiness (not a given-several of us are dealing with cancer or chronic illness, which helps put things in perspective).
Anon
Your family is the problem. Some of the reason why your friend and her cousins are so successful is that they have the family support to do whatever they want. It helps them psychologically, and confidence matters; and the ability to “fail” also matters. It can be good to take strategic risks, whether it be to advance a career or just be happy in life (e.g., running a marathon); part of a risk is that you might fail or flail around for a while.
Ignore your family. Learn to draw boundaries with them, whether by reading books, talking to people who are good at boundaries and can coach you, or via therapy. Shut DOWN those comparisons to your cousins. Remember as well that no one knows other people’s financial situations, and they might be doing fine, they might be up to their eyeballs in debt, or they might be fine now but have no cushion.
Anonymous
This. Sorry but family that is in “regular” jobs [I don’t mean regular in a bad way but sounds like you’re in biglaw and they are not in anything like that or hedge funds or anything super high paid] but living a million dollar lifestyle AND admitting to things like tax fraud to “generate extra cash” — things are not as easy as they make them seem. Doesn’t matter what the “elders” believe or want to believe; they are just wow-ed by the super big homes and new luxury vehicles they didn’t have. Even Texas and NC aren’t THAT cheap anymore especially if they are in the metro areas; plus you say they have kids so there will be a balancing of college cost vs. mom and dad’s lifestyle and I’m guessing the kids will lose on that front. All that glitters isn’t gold no matter what their parents/aunts/uncles say.
Anon
My family is like yours. The older generation heavily favors the side of the family that ‘made it big’ country clubs, huge house, lake house, boat, 3 week long luxury vacations, cousins that receive financial support from the parents after graduation with parent funded sprung breaks and travel, luxury cars etc.
My side of the family lived a modest but upper class life. 3 bedroom house in an okay state of repair, in a nice neighborhood in one of the nicest towns in this part of the state. But cars were midrange and driven until they broke down, the fanciest vacation was a week at the beach in a beach rental. No financial support after college and we were expected to fund any ‘wants’ through babysitting (no allowances as kids).
Ive tried reaching out to the cousins my age on the other side but the offerings to connect have been….unanswered.
So, commiseration. When i hear people talk about how connected and close they are with extended family its like hearing about an alien world because its so far from my own experience of how families interact with each other.
Anon
My immediate family is similar to your extended. Except its not as much talking up successes as shit talking all the siblings, triangulation of problems. Then we all get flack for not being close as siblings.
Anonymous
Your family [and mine too – we may be of the same/similar culture] is EXACTLY why you should not compare kids whether it’s siblings or cousins or whatever because those resentments then go on forever. Started young in my family – who has the best grades; who is got into an ivy etc.; and then yeah it morphed into money/houses/cars because the non-ivy people weren’t going to sit back seat forever so they had to show that not having an ivy degree didn’t hold them back any. It’s gross. I don’t participate in it but yeah no relationship with any cousins because all they do is brag about themselves and/or put down someone else. Let everyone be an individual and celebrate the kid working his way up in the restaurant industry as much as the guy climbing to the c suite. It’s funny every once in a while when we’re together [only weddings] and the aunts/uncles stop talk and people let go of their bragging for a second and you see everyone just hanging out – it does feel pretty cool and you do feel like wow this is what family is SUPPOSED to be like, maybe our gen can make it work. And then two minutes goes by and someone drops that they are buying a Maserati and here we go again . . .
Anonymous
My family can be like this sometimes. I didn’t even tell them when I bought a house. I make the highest salary of the whole family but since I don’t engage in consumerism it’s like it’s not real. You should see the horror and pitty on their faces because I don’t have a car!
Anonymous
Even within the same culture, my mom’s side of the family is way more supportive of varying careers and life choices than my dad’s side of the family. My cousins and I on mom’s side are closer mostly because we’re all roughly the same age, whereas on my dad’s side my cousins are all either 5 years older or younger than me, which I think plays a big part.
Anononon
My family doesn’t have the pitted-against-each-other dynamic that you’re describing, but I am one of 10 cousins on one side of the family with a 10 year age gap between oldest and youngest, so we’re all pretty close to at least a few others in age. We are polite to each other at family events and don’t go out of our way to avoid one another, but have zero relationship. We all kind of vaguely know what kinds of jobs the others have, but don’t really know anything else about each others’ lives. I live in a city that the cousin closest to me age-wise lives in and we only see each other at large family events; same for my brother and the cousin closest to him in age (in a different city).
Anon
Did anyone read the WSJ article today re how much harder it is for women to get into college? How is this not a Title 9 problem???
Anom
Read it. That kid is going to do amazing stuff at Arizona State.
Anon
Right? Kudos to Arizona State and she will be awesome whereever she is. Stupid dumb luck to be a theatre kid and not a recruited athlete and merely middle class vs alumni class or faculty kid. But it seems like her luck would be better if she were a guy.
Anon
I have mixed feelings about this, but it’s important to remember that this is only an issue for the small minority of college students attending highly selective colleges, which have an interest in maintaining gender balanced classes for social reasons (this is definitely debatable, but I think there’s some merit to the argument that social dynamics are skewed when gender ratios are way off in a small, insular community). I teach at a much less selective school, and students in my STEM field are around 70% female. The social dynamics don’t matter as much at a big school where lots of students commute or already have families.
Anon
Women’s schools are supposed to be better for women, so I don’t see why a 70/30 ratio would be such a huge problem. It’s not like SEC schools won’t have football teams. What of value would be negatively affected? Fraternity rush?
Anon
It think it’s fine academically, but it can really skew the social scene. Most people want to date in college (my alma mater is always talking about how many now married couples met there and the couples I know that met in college are the most loyal alumni, most likely to donate, etc.), and when men are in short supply it can enable bad behavior that wouldn’t be tolerated when the gender ratios are more balanced. I’m not saying that this justifies the admissions discrimination, but it’s a big part of why the selective colleges do it, and I think there is at least some truth to it.
Anon
Ooooh, my kid goes to a high school that is like 70/30 (and most boys are not hetero) and it is very true that the straight boys have a lot of power. OTOH, the girls absolutely love this school and are thriving there (along with the boys). IDK that denying opportunities to women to make some other women’s hetero dating life better is a good look.
Monday
Following 1:16….it’s basically like, either make admissions harder for women to ensure a gender balance, or accept that (straight) dating will be worse for women because of the lack of gender balance.
I agree that merit-based admission should take priority, otherwise the message is coming straight from the institution that men have a lower bar to clear and have innate special value just for being men.
Anon
I read the article. She sounded hard working and well-rounded and I wish her the best. That said, I was quite surprised that someone with Bs on their transcript was being counseled that she would get into Ivies. That wasn’t true when I applied 15 years ago and the guidance counselors at my high school never would have signed off on the mix of schools she applied to without adding significantly more target schools rather than hoping for so many reach schools. (Admittedly her school sounded less well-versed in this than the Boston area public school I attended that routinely pumps kids into the ivies).
Anon
It was like two Bs her sophomore year!!! It could have been in gym class for all I know. The few kids I know who got into the Ivies recently (kids of my college friends) were well-rounded (so maybe not perfect) and all but one are boys (all Eagle Scouts); the girl was a swimmer and a legacy. This is just rotten treatment for girls (I was a girl in NJ, so I knew it then and I’m sad that it’s the case still).
Anonymous
In 1994, our high school valedictorian, straight As, 4.5+ GPA, didn’t get into any ivies or Stanford. She was an Asian woman from the suburbs.
Anonymous
In 1992, of the high schools in my entire county, one person was admitted to one Ivy from the six graduating classes. She was more than well-rounded, she was highly accomplished in multiple areas of leadership and academics and had a 4.0 (grade-weighting didn’t exist then/there so 4.0 is the best). College admissions are not fair, equitable, or purely merit-based. Schools show preferences of all kinds. It sucks, but it is true.
Anon
Same here, except our valedictorian was white (also one of my best friends). She applied to Yale, Harvard, Stanford, Princeton and a couple of others – Penn, I think. Rejected from all of them. She later chalked it up to not having diverse-enough extracurriculars, but who knows. After the Varsity Blues thing I view elite college admissions as deeply suspect and likely rigged in favor of rich people.
Santa Barbara was still cool
Doesn’t matter when she got the B’s or in what subject. Harvard has more applicants with 4.0+ GPAs throughout high school than it has slots. (Speaks the person with the 4.2 who could not get into Berkley in her selected major).
I do not have strong feelings on whether colleges should balance genders (although when the University of California stopped taking gender into consideration the impact on its engineering programs was not ideal for women, which I would argue has ripple effects through the profession) However, I do not think this young woman was well served by her counselors in the schools she applied to There are a lot of options between Harvard and ASU.
Anon
THIS. Harvard has 57,000 applicants for fewer than 2,000 slots. She’s not special: huge numbers of kids have great grades and SAT scores. I would have had her do Early Decision at a school in the range of Georgetown or Vanderbilt, and, if she got deferred, pummel schools a step below that – BC, Elon, Wake Forest, W&M, Rochester – with a few Hail Mary passes to the non-HYSPM top tier for fun.
Monday
I’ve been bringing this up since I myself was applying to college in the late 90s. (Not bothered by my own admissions outcome, just looked at the gender ratios of colleges and knew they all wanted more men.) Nobody would admit anything was wrong. I can’t read the article since I don’t subscribe to the WSJ–any other way to access the info?
Anon
From the Department of Education’s website:
“Title IX’s prohibition on discrimination in admissions applies only to institutions of vocational education, professional education, and graduate higher education, and to public institutions of undergraduate higher education. 20 U.S.C. § 1681(a)(1); 34 C.F.R. § 106.15. The prohibition on discrimination in admissions does not apply to private undergraduate colleges. All other programs and activities of private undergraduate colleges (including single-sex colleges) are governed by Title IX if the college receives any Federal financial assistance.”
Anon
All Ivies receive substantial financial federal assistance through research grants, etc. Title 9 applies to I think every selective college.
Anon
Read the wording. “All other” (non admission) activities are covered if they receive federal funds.
anonshmanon
Wasn’t WSJ decrying very recently that the number of young men going to college is on the decline?
Anon
IDK. For a lot of guys and kids generally, they are probably better off not going to college. IDK why it is so important to let 50% of admittees be men if women want to go more and are well-prepared candidates for certain schools. It’s fine if people vote with their feet. Better to go to community college than 3 years of State U and not graduate and owe on loans for it.
anonshmanon
I can agree that college isn’t the best choice for everyone, even though crazy tuition is a US specific problem that totally changes the math and tradeoffs on college decisions.
I do have to note that “It’s fine if people vote with their feet” is usually not looking at the whole story. When it’s an underrepresented group, we do look for systemic things holding back groups and what the impacts are.
But mostly I feel like WSJ’s reporting seems a bit dodgy when 3 months ago it was men who had it so hard, and now it’s women.
Anonymous
IDK why affirmative action is apparently OK for men but not for women.
Anon
I just endorsed a young woman and noted that she had gotten into X school from the NYC suburbs so she must be a total baller. So yes.
Anon
I think anything women start to do starts to be devalued among men.
Anon
I didn’t get her application choices, there’s a lot in between Harvard and ASU.
Anon
Colleges and universities try to diversify the student body in many different ways. These include race, gender, socioeconomic diversity, geographic diversity, academic interest area, “other” skills and interests. Theoretically, being in an environment that includes a diverse student body (including gender) is part of the educational experience. It’s getting increasingly tough for most institutions to accomplish anything resembling gender balance as men opt out of higher education. Once a supposedly coed institution crosses over to a certain gender imbalance (skewing towards women), recruitment is likely to suffer and it is very difficult to reverse both that decline or the gender imbalance.
CMS
We are planning a trip to the Swiss Alps and Lake Como this summer. Since we will be moving around a fair amount, I would like to use a travel agent to put the whole itinerary together. Any recommendations for travel agents or must dos/avoids in Switzerland?
Ribena
If you’re moving around a lot check out the rail passes and BahnCards. They can be surprisingly cosy effective!
Explorette
We used Cloud Nine adventures last year and they were great. It was a hiking based trip though, not sure if that is of interest. Switzerland is lovely though, you will have a great time!
Anon
I LOVE Switzerland, you’re going to have such a great time. I enjoyed pretty much everywhere I went in the touristy areas — Zermatt is great to see the Matterhorn, anywhere you can take a gondola or train to the top of a mountain is great. Taking trains in general is very pleasant and has gorgeous views. I think there’s a discount train ticket program you can get as a tourist. Also Switzerland is the only place in Europe I’ve travelled where hardly anyone spoke English (not a judgement, I was just surprised after mostly encountering English everywhere else I’ve travelled).
Anonymous
The Forum at MySwissAlps.com is very helpful. Mostly Swiss people answering questions posed by people planning a trip to the country.
Anonymous
A question has been posed a few times in recent days re pros/cons of working for a big company or a small company. I’m not the OP but also curious so feel free to share if you have thoughts, as that post came up pretty late in the afternoon and I think very few saw it.
Question though – predictably the responses were all – health insurance is worse at a small employer. I always assumed that’s because at a small employer you may have fewer or only one health insurance option and a smaller employer is likely to have a lower cost sharing so you are paying a lot more of the monthly premium out of your pocket. Someone yesterday though said that they had sticker shock at how much higher copays, out of pocket max was at a smaller co. Why is that? Is that because smaller cos. tend to choose the cheaper plans which put more financial burden on the insured? Or does the company’s level of cost sharing monthly somehow affect your copay/deductibles?
Also big picture question – are the insurance plans available to employers pretty much what is on insurers’ websites for all to buy OR can bigger employers have insurers design plans for them? For example can UPS say to Blue Cross, we have 300k employees who’ll take up a BCBS plan so we need you to create one for about ~$1200 for an individual keeping copays at $20-30 and out of pocket max at $1500/year; then we need a “medium” plan for $800-900/month and copays can be higher at $40-50 and out of pocket max can be $2500+. Like does an employer with hundreds of thousands of employees or millions of employees like the fed government have “leverage” that a 3 person or even a 35 person law firm just doesn’t have with insurers?
Anon
My experience has been that a small-to-medium-sized single-branch company tends to have really good insurance because they’re invested in the community and can figure out what’s what for local health networks. I worked at three of those in a row, and my coverage was satisfactory.
I recently switched to a huge global corporation and my coverage is SO bad (and we make medical devices). The employees at US headquarters in another state get good coverage, but us remote employees get bare-minimum scraps because HR isn’t interested in taking the time to navigate options for every zip code.
So, I think there’s a sweet spot.
Anonymous
I was wondering that too – are coverages worse now with so much more remote work? I have always worked in places that are HQ so the higher ups are invested in having good coverage because their own families use that coverage/those health systems locally etc. And even regionally coverages tend to be ok because most health plans [at least on the east coast] consider health systems in network even if they are two or three hours away, having nothing to do with state lines probably because in certain parts of the northeast, driving an hour can put you in a different state. Yet now with the whole – work for a Chicago or NYC employer but go live in Fla or NC or anywhere you want; IDK how much companies – esp smaller ones – are going to invest in getting health plans that have good coverage in Fla or NC especially if you are the only employee there. They may off some general “nationwide” type of plan that really treats everything as out of network or maybe a real Cadillac plan where every place is in network but you are paying a lot monthly for that.
anonshmanon
Yes, I think that large employers do negotiate with insurers. Part of it is negotiating power just through volume, another part is diversifying risk. Covering expensive treatments relies on the statistical fact that not everybody will get expensive conditions, but everybody pays the premiums. It’s different if you ensure just 50 people on a small company and there is a coincidental clustering of people getting very sick, and it can eat up all the funds that come in through that employer’s plan.
Personally, I think the insurer should average over ALL insured people (and not look at which employer they are with), but I think that is being prevented by employers competing for getting an attractive benefits package.
Anon
Many large employers are self insured and just work with an insurance company for administration and access to their network. They can craft it basically however they want.
Anon
Obviously yes.
Anon.
Yes, there’s an entire industry that helps employers negotiate with insurers to design benefit plans whether fully self-insured or insurance backed. Much, much variation as opposed to the basic off-the-shelf package. And of course, scale matters.
Anonymous
Fashion sneaker questions!
1) Besides Golden Goose, are there other brands or styles that have the hidden heel lift? My very short-legged self is intrigued by GG for this reason…something that looks sleek (aka not full platform) but still has height at the heel.
2) I seem to recall someone mentioning their sneakers were terry-lined on the inside–for wearing without socks. Which brand and style was that?
Anon
#2 = Tretorn
Anon
Interested in the answer, my understanding is thats GG’s secret sauce.
Anon
Can someone who understands Russia give me/us a sense of what is going on with the war in Ukraine? I don’t understand how you could ever govern this area unless you purged it of all people currently there. And OMFG that seems to be happening. I am just sick with horror at what is going on. I wish someone had a crystal ball (and superpowers). I feel so helpless and like I can do nothing to help (I have donate and will continue to do so but this is just beyond awful).
Anon
That seems to be the dictator strategy, this definitely isn’t the first time or place it’s happened that way.
Anon
Here’s a twitter thread on “Deukrainisation” that also links to a thread on some of the history involved: https://twitter.com/sumlenny/status/1510910740261134338?s=21&t=VHXmNsUHVzdoAl3KAw-0dg
Anon
I honestly don’t really know how influential Aleksandr Dugin is on Putin or Russian nationalism, but that may be another thing to Google since there seems to be at least some influence.
My understanding from Ukrainian-American family is that there’s a whole history to who can claim the heritage of Kievan Rus’ going back to the Russian Empire, and Ukraine is sort of in the way of Moscow claiming that heritage? (If I’ve conveyed this correctly.)
Anon
How is this not totally salting the earth against what the Russians claim are their own people? That they’ve murdered and let starve to death? Who will rid us of this terrible Putin?
Anon
I don’t know. Russians have suffered so much over the years. I’m not sure I ever fully appreciated what it meant when the Russian peasantry was “enserfed” — that serfs could be bought and sold by their owners (eventually even separately from selling land), and that runaway serfs were hunted down and “returned” to their owners. And I didn’t know until recently that when the serfs were freed, they owed a “redemption tax” to compensate for their freedom. I don’t know if there’s any symbolism to Putin going after Donbas (runaway serfs who weren’t captured used to head that direction to join the free “Cossacks”). There has been a lot of symbolism to the invasion in general though (including the timing of the initial invasion, just days after the commemoration of the “Heavenly Hundred”!).
Anon
I should acknowledge that Ukraine has some ugly distant and modern history. But Zelensky’s election (with so many votes!) was encouraging as a sign of what people want to change. As I think he’s said, there’s not a lot good to look back to historically, but there was such intense hope for a better future. Part of me feels like it’s that hope that had to be crushed.
As for what to do about Putin… Russians literally got their Tsar to abdicate once! And then they ended up with Stalin. How can anyone make this better without possibly making it even worse? I wish I thought the world had changed since then.
Anon
You’re asking for rational answers to questions about a war driven by a giant egomaniac. You’re not going to them.
Anon
This is just pure evil. Is there nothing we can do but pray to every faith’s god that this stops?
Hi
I have donated to Ukraine and emailed my representatives about this genocide. I completely lost it after the vid of a baby being r@ped by Russian soldier was circulating on social media. We (Europe and US) need to directly intervene. If we don’t, it only encourage rouge states to acquire nuclear weapons making them untouchable. While Russia will not “win” this war due to its military weakness and Ukrainian resistance, it can drag out for a very long time. NATO has enough capabilities to quickly put an end to it saving civilians from tomorrow’s war crimes.
Anon
Part of me worries that the west is punishing Ukraine for voting out Poroshenko. I hate that that question even crosses my mind. But it feels like we’re helping them just enough that the destruction continues. I guess I just feel panicky about it all right now.
SEA-Town Botox
Hey fellow Seattle-ettes,
Who do you go to for Botox and do you mind sharing how much per unit? I’ve gotten once with the Polyclinic Derm’s office ($16 or 17 each?). Due for the next round but wondering if there is better pricing elsewhere. Prefer Seattle or Bellevue south of the 520 bridge.
Curious
I wish I had a rec!
Doc rec
Anyone recommend their primary care doctor in the Chicago area? I live just West in Oak Park so would love to find someone in that direction, or Loyola affiliated etc… But flexible.
Women docs only please. Thanks!
Anon
I really like my PCP at Rush (the main hospital), Dr. Jacqueline Levitt. She has a lot of availability and is very responsive. I sometimes message her a question and she’ll call me an hour later to discuss the issue. She goes over all labs on a phone call.
Anon
Linda Chen at Rush. Hello from fellow oak Parker!
anon
She’s Northwestern-affiliated and in the Loop, but I have been loyal to her for ~17 years: Dr. Tracy B. Sorce.
Anonymous
I like Dr Deborah Manus at Lake Street Family Physicians. I’m not sure if she has a Loyola affiliation though (she definitely has a Northwestern affiliation). ‘Hi’ from SWOP.
Doc rec
Thank you all so much!
I just checked your great recs. Unfortunately RUSH docs aren’t in my network, I just learned. Dr. Source looks wonderful, but isn’t taking new patients now. Dr. Manus does seem to be accepting new patients and is so convenient that I will give her call for sure. She seems to have an Elmhurst hospital affiliation. That is the relatively new hospital, right? Does anyone have any experience going there for procedures etc..?
Anonymous
If Edwards is the same as Edwards-Elmhurst then my coworker had a baby there and thought it was a great experience. Her third baby and first one not delivered at Lurie so she had a basis for comparison.
Doc rec
Thank you. That is a great comparison.
Anonymous
Anne Suh is with Northwestern and fantastic. Super smart but easy to talk to.
Shoes
Help, I’m fashion challenged. Can anyone recommend some shoes that would work with dresses and wide leg pants for slightly fancier evening events (so not work/office), like cocktail receptions etc.? I have a bad ankle so can’t do a tall heel, and I have no idea what’s in style right now. Bonus points for something that isn’t too uncomfortable. Thank you!
pugsnbourbon
Could you do a mid-height block heel? Maybe something with an ankle strap for added stability?
Shoes OP
I would definitely consider this! If anyone has any links to share, please do.
Cat
Check out Margaux and Sarah Flint
pugsnbourbon
https://www.6pm.com/p/circus-by-sam-edelman-stella-black-microsuede/product/9206558/color/167802
https://www.6pm.com/p/steve-madden-irenee-ch-sandal-black/product/9579768/color/3
https://www.6pm.com/p/cl-by-laundry-jessie-black-super-suede/product/9269242/color/130720
Aunt Jamesina
I rarely wear heels these days, but I like my Marc Fisher Zala block heels. I have fussy feet and find them to be pretty comfortable.
Anon
Birkenstock Mayari or Yara are the go-to for comfort but still cute (the Mayari especially comes in a lot of colors) around here.
Anon
Y’all, my parents just had an offer accepted on a house. They haven’t bought/sold in 37 years. Very happy for them as it’s the right move on many levels. But, lord help their agents/attorneys, etc. I just called them and they were in the middle of a spat over how to use docusign, as an example. My dad was a very accomplished business man and they’re somewhat techy (both have iphones, they’re 68 afterall) but this is the blind leading the blind. Funny to watch from the outside, which is where I shall remain.
Vicky Austin
Are you my future self, here to warn me?
op
I am. It’s honestly something to witness. So good and so bad, all at once.
Anon
I feel this in my bones. I had FINALLY convinced my parents to try a streaming service and (possibly) quit cable, so I drove over to their house last night to demonstrate using my own Hulu account…only for the entire service to have a nationwide outage.
Anon
My parents just bought a house too! Their last house was bought 20+ years ago. And now they’re moving states to be closer to my aunts/uncles and are buying in new state then selling their house in previous state and it’s been fun to watch from the other side of the country!
Anon
I encourage everyone to take this as a cautionary tale It is not inevitable but it is so easy for stop keeping up with technology as you get older I am mid-50s and it is an affirmative effort to stay up to date – and I am still working It will be so much harder once I retire (one of the reasons I might continue as a consultant for at least a while)
Anons
Blazer help, please. I am a pear shaped, late 40s, 5’4”. I have never had to wear suits or blazers. Now I have some work situations where they seem like an easy way to dress up a casual outfit and be more formal for certain meetings. But every time I put one on, I feel like they make me look frumpy, short, and wide. Is this just the negative voices in my head, or is there a cut that I should look for?
Anon
Banana petite blazers (not the long ones; the ones that stop at your hip bone).
Anons
Thank you!
Anon
Low stakes Q. I have indecision paralysis for choosing an entree in my RSVP for an upcoming wedding. Plated dinner. Fish, chicken, beef, or veg? Haven’t had a catered dinner in years and years, what’s your go-to??
NYCer
Beef or veg. I never enjoy fish at banquet style catered events, and chicken tends to be breasts, which in general I find very blah.
Senior Attorney
Agree. I’d probably do beef.
Anonymous
Fish or veg. Chicken will be rubbery.
Anonymous
Beef! I find the average to above average beef is usually better than the average chicken or veg.
Anon
Agree.
Cat
Beef or veg. Fish is inevitably overcooked, and rubbery chicken is awful!
Anonymous
Beef or veg. Less likely to get food poisoning from an undercooked piece of beef if there some sort of catering trouble, and more likely to be okay-tasting if overcooked.
Veg could be lovely, or so lean and protein-lacking that you’ll be starving for cake or whatever snacks, depending on the vegetarian knowhow of the caterer.
Anon
I’d choose based on the sauce or flavoring, if there is any. Cream-based dairy sauces and dancing do not mix for me.
Jules
When I have been to catered events (not necessarily weddings), other guests at my table usually are jealous of the beautiful veg dinner put in front of me.
Anon
I always try to fill up on appetizers and anything but the chicken.
Shelle
As a vegetarian, I’d go with beef and chicken. Beef because it’s fancier and will be the tasty option. Chicken for all the folks who don’t eat red meat for whatever reason, which I get the impression is common. In addition to those two choices, I’ve never had a problem getting a special meatless meal for the one or two vegetarian guests at all the weddings I’ve been to.
Anononon
Beef. I find weddings/large events are always behind schedule and beef suffers the least from overcooking or sitting under warming lights, especially if it’s something like short rib instead of a filet. My partner and I will usually order 1 beef and 1 veg so that if either is gross we can just share the other; if you have a +1 I highly recommend this strategy.