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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Stripe Cotton Shirtdress

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A woman (head mostly cropped out) wearing a navy-and-white striped shirtdress and navy slingbacks

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This dress is preppy perfection. I love a crisp navy-and-white stripe, and I love it even more with a popped collar.

Paired with a navy blazer and some simple accessories, this Polo Ralph Lauren dress just screams summer Friday to me. (Yes, I know we’re months away from summer Fridays, but a girl can dream!)

The dress is $198 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 00–16. It also comes in a pink stripe.

For something more affordable, try this Ann Taylor shirtdress; it's $149 and available in regular sizes XXS–XXL and petite sizes XXS–L. Also, this black-and-white striped shirtdress from Banana Republic is $130 and comes in regular, petite, and tall sizes up to XXL.

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Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

307 Comments

  1. Sloan, I am so sorry to hear about your Dad on yesterdays post, sending you big hugs. Thanks for your thoughtful book recommendations on my post the other week, your contributions here are valued.

    1. Oh, Sloan, I was so sorry to read this. Sending hugs from across the ocean and hoping that things are as bearable as they can be.

      1. Ribena, I so agree. Both you and Sloan Sabbith have been instrumental commentator’s at Corporette’s over the years, and I am so sorry to learn this news, albeit indirectly. It is times like these when we all have to band together to provide strength and succor to each other. So with this in mind, Sloan, please accept my sincere wishes for your entire family in this time of need. Let us know if we can assist you with legal issues for which we are competent to help.

    4. Sloan, I am so grateful to have you in this community, and so very sorry for everything you and your family have been through. Thinking of you and your family. I wish we were not all so remote and could help you in more tangible ways.

    6. Thank you all, and thank you everyone for the comments yesterday. ❤️ If anyone needs any book recommendations it would be a welcome distraction.

      1. This is quite niche, I’d like Downton Abbey but book format? Fiction from 1910-1950 that’s as fluffy as Downton is I guess rather than set at the frontline.

      2. I don’t need to add to my TBR at the moment but in the name of being helpful…;)

        OK so I’ve posted before about my mom, who out of nowhere just LOVED Anthony Doerr’s Cloud Cuckoo Land, and whom I would love to nudge into reading more and not spending all of her time being negative about the news and her job (I can’t blame her, but she has no other outlet and I worry). I got some great recommendations in the vein of CCL, but I’d love more.

        She teaches high school German and would probably enjoy stories that explored German culture, including WWII historical fiction if it’s well written. I also think she’d like Ann Patchett’s Bel Canto (language nerds feature in the plot), maybe some Marie Benedict like the ones about Clementine Churchill or Hedy Lamarr, and I plan to recommend Ruth Reichl’s childhood memoirs about her Berlin-born father, too. What else can I check out for her?

        1. Cloud Cuckoo Land makes me think of Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell (because of the interlocking stories, not the name!). She may like it!

        2. what on earth did she like about that book? i’m reading it now for my book club and it is one of the worst books i’ve ever read. but maybe i’m missing something

      3. Do you read nonfiction? I’ve read some good nonfiction lately.

        Will, by Will Smith – Will Smith is a lot deeper of a person than I thought based on his public persona. Fun fact, he has done ayahuasca retreats 14 times. 14 times! That’s a lot of ayahuasca.

        The Madman’s Library – a book about weird, strange and odd books throughout history, I found it fascinating.

        The Big Year – about competitive birdwatching. This was a reread for me but I like rereading it because the tone of the writing is so fun, and yet respectful of the people who are engaging in the activity.

        Blood Aces: The Wild Ride of Benny Binion, the Texas Gangster who Created Texas Poker – my family is from Texas and they all love to go to Vegas so lots of great tidbits that I found funny in this book. May not be for everyone.

        We Keep the Dead Close – this is a sprawling, dense nonfiction book about a graduate student who decides to investigate a rumor she’s heard about a professor killing a student at Harvard, and getting away with it. I don’t even know how to really describe the story other than to say, very little is as it seems and the book kept me captivated across the multiple weeks it took me to read it.

        Nowhere Girl: Memoir of a Fugitive Childhood – about a model who grew up on the run with a dad who was a survivalist-type conman. Many parts are almost too wild to be believed. Very captivating story, I read it in one night.

        Hopefully if you read more fiction than nonfiction other folks will chime in with recommendations. Thinking of you.

        1. So sorry! I read your comment as “if anyone has any book recommendations.” Maybe there’s still something in my list you’ll like?

          I’d love a rec for a fiction book based on a real-life event, if you know of any good ones.

    7. Oh Sloan, I didn’t see yesterday’s PM post, so I missed your message, but I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I will be thinking of you and your family.

    8. Oh Sloan, I am so sorry to hear about this. I missed the PM post, so I did not see your message, but I just want to let you know that I will be thinking of you and your family.

  2. Guys, the situation in Ukraine is heartbreaking – more than 600k refugees, families torn, and despite fierce defense of Ukraine, the projections are not good. I wonder what needs to happen for the world to send not only money and military equipment, but also the key thing – troops.

    1. I think it’s not quite that simple. If you send troops (US troops? Troops from European NATO members?) that escalates the situation. Right now, Ukranian refugees are safe in Poland, Romania, Moldova. Obviously the people in Ukraine are in imminent danger, but would making it a NATO – Russia conflict lead to broader conflict? Mean there was no longer ANY safe place to go? Would a provoked Putin, who clearly seems unreceptive to more moderate voices, use nuclear weapons in response.
      I don’t envy anyone making these decisions – there is clearly not a “good” option here.

      1. CB is right. Dad says American”boots on the ground” to defend Ukraine will lead to WW III and the nuclear option, which means the end of all of us, except mabye for 3 people in South Dakota.

        Because Ukraine is not part of NATO, we are safe for now, and Biden said no Troops on the ground unless Putin invades a NATO country. Then we would have to act, and Biden specifically said so yesterday. So let’s hope Putin brings his troops home after Ukraine and we can then continue to live our lives as we know it, and post here on Corporette.

      2. Have you seen the slide shared by the Belarusian president? Moldova is next, assuming that the troops for that plan were not on the four ships that Turkey turned away from the Black Sea. It’s all but guaranteed that nuclear weapons will be moved into Belarus to push up against Poland’s border, and that an attempt will be made to carve out the Suwalki gap. And Putin has made veiled comments about Finland and Sweden belonging to Russia.

        There is no longer any safe place, and won’t be for a while. It’s just a question of how long we wait before responding.

        1. +1

          Ukraine is the beginning, Moldova is next (especially Transnistria), and any former Soviet country + Finland is after that…

          I’d also be keeping a close eye on Taiwan and Kosovo.

          1. That was my “peace in our time” comment below and I have a sinking feeling that this is also right.

          2. My husband’s family is Finnish. They repelled the Russians once (in the Winter War) and they are absolutely prepared to do that again if necessary. My husband’s relatives in Finland are very much in a “come at us bro” mindset right now.

          4. Because my murder mysteries have assured me that Finland is full of tough, handsome people who are good at solving mysteries and good shots, I’m totally reassured by their “come at me bro” attitude. Yay for Finland.

          1. This made me laugh. I realize this is not a funny situation at all, but he really is.

        3. I’d like to see Putin try to take Finland back – I’d be pretty scared if I were him.

          Go Finland.

      3. OP here: I fully understand that any action from NATO/EU/elsewhere will be considered as escalation by Putin. But I don’t think we can sacrifice Ukraine – not after what they have done so far, not after we have applauded them. Abandoning them in the hour they will need us the most would be a hypocrisy. I do not envy the decision makers at all…. tough choice, indeed. And then – what is the guarantee he would be satisfied with Ukraine? Why not take Lithuania as well – the tiny piece of land standing between them and Kaliningrad? Why not try to annex also Moldova, Slovakia, Czech republic…
        I hope that the economic pressure and pressure from the oligarchs [can’t access my Italian villa, poor me] will be the answer. But I don’t want to live in a world where we sacrifice a democratic country who fought for their independence and sovereignty to a dictator. Would be really disappointing.

        1. Ukraine is not a NATO country, Lithuania, Estonia, Poland, etc. are. I don’t think Moldova is necessarily next because Ukraine isn’t going the way he planned either. And if you’re bothered by what’s happening in Ukraine (as I am) just think of that happening on a larger scale if we escalate, esp. if nukes get involved.
          Finland btw already beat back Russia once and pretty decisively. There is no colorable claim to Finland being Russia’s sphere of influence unless you’re DJT and have no idea that it is a totally separate country. I think it’s a different story entirely. Also there are strategic reasons for Putin/Lukashenko to pretend this is going to be bigger than it is so that the world lets them walk away with something smaller.

          Please correct me if I am wrong but I think Russia’s oil and gas are still exempt from sanctions now imposed (and maybe some agricultural products, too) – that should be the next step (painful as it will be for the west) before going to a military option.

          1. I do worry about the humanitarian impacts on average Russians with increasing sanctions…

          2. I actually don’t think nukes will be involved, unless as a last resort,- nukes assure widespread death and destruction which isn’t what Putin is going for. He’s looking to restore the glory of Russia and to occupy formerly Soviet territory. I think he’d only resort to nukes if he truly feels his back is up against the wall.

            As for Finland, Finland and Russia haven’t fought each other in 80 years, so I don’t think your example counts for much there. While no one is arguing that Finland is currently under Russia’s sphere of influence, there has been signaling from Putin that he is eyeing up Finland – why else would he threaten retaliation if Finland joins NATO?

            Ukraine is doing an excellent job holding ground and fighting back, but I think if this is a prolonged, drawn-out war, then Russia will win and will feel emboldened to continue to invade other former Soviet countries, such as Moldova. While Russia’s military is proving significantly less professional than once though, there are still more resources available there than for the Ukrainians.

            No one wants a larger scale war, but it’s really upsetting watching the invasion and ensuing war crimes happen and have the US/NATO/EU only be pursuing sanctions.

            YET AGAIN, the Responsibility to Protect (R2P) is ignored…

          3. +1 The situation in Ukraine is heartbreaking. Having two nuclear powers in direct conflict, however, might make things much worse.

          4. They’ll still be alive at least. With choices to make.

            Come on, Russians. You’ve shown us you can revolt against tyrants. Praying you’ve still got it in you.

          5. saying “you’re still alive at least” to a starving Russian is not much of a consolation…

    2. Russia is a nuclear power. We can’t just “send in troops.” It would be WWIII, but with nuclear weapons on all sides.

    3. I am so conflicted. Obviously I want to avoid another World War, but it kills me that we’re watching a sovereign country get invaded and civilians being targeted and it feels like nothing is being done.

      I agree with Cb that any troop commitment from a NATO member will escalate the situation, which we all want to avoid. However, morally how can we sit back and watch?!

      I think a lot of future moves depend on China: do they aid Russia at all? Do they invade Taiwan?

      I’m not in a position to go overseas as an individual, however, I am now talking to an Air Force reserve recruiter; I have no idea if I’ll join but I’m interested in learning more.

      1. This is where I’m at. I understand, in theory, why we can’t send troops. But god, it feels awful just sitting back and watching and I just want us to step in and smack Putin down.

        1. Right? Some sort of cyberattack with plausible deniability? Flooding Russian airwaves with the truth about what’s happening in Ukraine?

          1. The U.S. has sent people in to foreign countries to murder dictators before. Sometimes it wasn’t very successful, but we’ve done it.

            I keep hoping that if the oligarchs in Russia lose enough money, one of them will send someone in to “take care of the problem” and take Putin out, but that’s probably wishful thinking.

          2. It was such a missed opportunity for Biden in the state of the union yesterday to not try to address the Russian people directly as Boris Johnson did so well a few days ago.

    4. Slate has a good article on why NATO can’t put troops on the ground. Essentially, it would give Putin an excuse to escalate to using low yield, tactical nuclear weapons. We can provide all sorts of support short of that, but we can’t physically intervene.

      Each sanction that has been put in place is designed to squeeze the oligarchs who fund Putin. They are going to reach a point of deciding he is more of a liability than an asset. Once they do, they will cause change.

      1. Not convinced that change wouldn’t yield chaos or something worse though.

        I thing we are getting Chamberlain’s “peace in our time” by default.

        1. +1

          That change is a devil we don’t know and that seems like a very risky gamble.

          1. I dunno, Putin seems the most radical amongst the group of Russian elites? He doesn’t seem to be bringing anyone else into his decision-making, and you have to think that there is a well of discomfort amongst the ruling elite in Russia at this situation, mostly b/c they want to go back to their houses in Kensington and send their kids to Harrow. Ukrainecast has a former advisor on Kremlin PR on yesterday (suspect moral choice, but really interesting interview) which is worth a listen.

          2. I hope that he’s so focused on reuniting the Soviet Union that he doesn’t turn to nukes as that would defeat his purpose

          3. My thinking is that chaos would be bad. Mediocre successor who gets the message to dial it back would be such a win. Oligarchs got to keep their yachts and dachas, no?

      2. Not only that but NATO expansion on his doorstep is his primary rationalization. Absurd as that may, sending NATO to defend a non-NATO member would support that rationalization at a time when the goal should be to make this unpalatable for even him domestically.

    5. Foreign policy is incredibly complex and us sitting around armchair quarterbacking it is useless. We don’t have the intelligence information he has, we do not have the depth of experience the president and his advisors have. It’s easy to feel sympathetic toward the Ukrainian people – I certainly do – but putting troops on the ground in a non-NATO country would absolutely be an escalation. We don’t just do that because we feel sorry for the people on TV.

      1. Foreign policy is not that hard. Ukraine’s comedian is doing better than anyone else at the moment. Leaving it to the experts led to this wretched mess.

        1. People who were experts stood by while Russia took Crimea, shot down a jet of civilians, funded insurgents in Chechnya, funded insurgents in and around Dombas . . . I could go on. “Peace in our time” is a lie — it just tells the bad guy that you are happy to look the other way as long as it isn’t you getting attacked.

        3. I stopped listening when you said foreign policy is not that hard. Please. Tell me what else you’re an expert in. Everything, I assume.

    6. I fear that we are on the wrong side of history right now: a sovereign country was invaded and Russia is committing war crimes and we are watching.

      I don’t have the solution, I agree that troops in country would be disastrous, but I do not think sanctions are enough.

      1. I’ll see you and I’ll raise. I *know* we are on the wrong side, watching on TV, from our warm houses and comfy chairs, reliable power, cheap gas, and stable currency.

        We never stomped on Russian gas / oil exports.

        And I bet no one is willing to pay higher prices for fuel if it will stop Putin and countries will face immense pressure to keep their people warm and happy vs take one for Ukraine (and hopefully liberate the Russians from their leaders).

        1. I don’t see many Americans parking their giant SUVs and riding the bus or be willing to make any other changes to curb their oil and gas consumption.

          1. True, but we don’t get our gas from Russia. Western Europe does and uses natural gas for heading, etc., not just for cars. Cars may matter a lot less in many parts of Europe, but pensioners freezing and people being cold will be hard politically.

          2. +1 the general public won’t be willing to make any lifestyle sacrafices, they’re too selfish.

          3. The American public is too selfish and there will not be bipartisan support for whatever restrictions are necessary.

            COVID showed us what happens when the general public is asked to sacrifice for the greater good – I don’t know where we went astray, but at least during the last world war everyone was willing to pitch in and sacrifice for the greater good.

          4. Again, we in the US don’t get our gas/oil from Russia. Talk to Europe about that. They should have an interest in stopping Putin or at least really putting the screws to him. They are closer to this nutbag and can rightly feel (Moldova, Poland) like they have targets on their backs.

          5. If Americans could pause on their gluttonous fossil fuel consumption, some of that oil/gas/fuel could go to Europe. I don’t think my fellow Americans have the wherewithal to make any such sacrifice, though. COVID taught me what many of my neighbors are about and it’s definitely not sacrificing for the greater good.

        2. This is what is so crazy to me – I see more politicians and people talking about escalating a war with actual human costs than I see people saying lets apply the sanctions to gas and agriculture too. We had a world order once where the so-called bad guys and the so-called good guys had separate economies. The West did just fine in that world order. Obviously oil/gas/etc. sanctions will be costly and painful but how is sending military troops and escalating a conflict between nuclear powers in any way more palatable?

  3. The prep is so perfect! I have nothing substantive to add. This dress just invokes a dream of non COVID times having a patio lunch in perfect weather.

    1. +1 this dress is perfect, assuming it washes nicely and doesn’t wrinkle! That’s always my hang up with dresses like this – they look breezy and effortless but require so much work to lay nicely.

      I picture wearing this with little espadrille wedges while drinking an aperol spritz on a patio.

  4. Does anyone have experience with a Nordstrom personal shopper in the Boston area ? Particularly native or Burlington . I’m going back to work in the office and have absolutely nothing that fits . I’d like to get a couple outfits but need someone good – I have a tough body shape right now after giving birth 7 months ago

    1. following – I live in the same neck of the woods and would love the same. I miss the old Trunk Club. My stylist was fab.

    2. I have no specific recommendation but I used a Nordstrom personal shopper last summer and had a fantastic experience. Found a lot of stuff that I would not have tried on by myself.

  5. Anyone experience severe reflux (to the point of vomiting) triggered by stress? If so, what are some ways you have managed it? Aside from taking a leave of absence at work, I am kind of at a loss for how to manage my stress levels. (FWIW I’m a lawyer, not big law, and mostly solo parent a toddler).

    1. Have you seen a really good gastroenterologist yet to make sure it’s just stress and nothing else? (A lot of GI conditions are exacerbated by stress, so while stress reduction helps, so does diagnosis and treatment.)

    2. You may be having something called Rumination Syndrome. (You can look it up, but beware that a lot of the stuff out there is about in children and developmentally delayed people — they just recently realized that normally developed adults can have this and so a lot of people with it are misdiagnosed with GERD/reflux. I know, because I was misdiagnosed with reflux and I have RS.) The number one thing to do is reducing stress. However, even when you can’t immediately reduce actual stress, you can usually mimic physical symptoms that signal to your body “rest and digest” (as opposed to fight or flight). This includes diaphragmatic breathing (and is the number one thing you can do), forcing your shoulders to relax away from your ears (you might notice a lot that you are tensing your shoulders up), unclenching your hands/resting your hands flat on a table, resting your feet flat on the floor. Side note: yoga helps you train your physical body to do all of these things naturally, and was immensely helpful to me, so up your yoga practice if you can. Also, RS doesn’t usually manifest when you are reclined, so laying down even for a few minutes and doing diaphragmatic breathing can help you to reset if you’re feeling very sick. Good luck to you!

      1. Not the OP but this is really helpful, thanks! We got hit with norovirus a few weeks back and I’m still throwing up acid/suffering from major reflux, and I think it’s because I get stuck in a stress spiral.

        1. I dunno if you already know this or were told by your doctor, but definitely up your probiotic consumption over the next couple of weeks because norovirus really messes with your gut microbiome.

    3. I have severe reflux triggered by stress, but not to the point of vomiting. For me its sort of the worst physical symptom of how stressed I am, and regardless of whether or not I can reduce the actual stress, I have to reduce how much I’m feeling it. Immediate breathing exercises, drinking a warm drink, journaling, exercise – just something to let the physical stress out. What helped most of course was therapy and anti anxiety meds.

    4. Look into abdominal migraines or cyclical vomiting syndrome. I take a migraine preventative which cut down the nausea and vomiting attacks, along with stress reduction and trigger identification. Also look into GERD and whether you need a RX antacid. A good gastro can help. A lot of gastro symptoms overlap.

    5. I don’t know if this is the same but I have an issue that does seem to flare with stress but can also happen randomly. Some foods more than others will seem to “get stuck” and triggers vomiting. I been looked at for GERD and done swallow tests, etc. I finally had a dr. that said her dad has this same thing and that the family refers to it as “tiny esophagus>” She recommended that I take an omeprazole each morning 30 minutes before I eat anything and it does seem to reduce the amount of times this gets triggered. It is a pretty horrible feeling and can be super distressing if I am with other people and have to quickly excuse myself.

  6. Low stakes question – what is your absolutely favorite top that you bought over the last year? I’m in the process of a complete wardrobe overhaul, and I’m looking for nice tops that will look at least halfway decent during zoom calls. Would love reviews from people who have actually bought and worn the items!

      1. That’s cute. But, as a side note, I am so over the drab color palettes that trendy retailers are still using! They make me look so ill. On the bright side, it’s forced me to finally update my neutrals.

        2. Oh fair enough! My wardrobe is largely black and gray so that’s where my recs tend to fall lol.

      2. Oh wow I like that…nice to see an affordable pick from Amazon that isn’t polyester too.

    2. Also following with interest. A friend recently recommended the Evereve site, and while I haven’t bought anything yet it looks like they have a number that fit into my preferred category of basic with a tiny bit of flair.

      1. Evereve is currently having 10% off sitewide, which is about the best sale they ever do.

    3. I have had really good luck with tops at J Crew Factory in the past year. They have enough interest to look good on camera. I have worn them for Zooms, social gatherings, and all the things, so pretty versatile, I’d say.

      1. I second J Crew Factory. I’m wearing a blouse from there today and I really love it. They have a ton of options and prices are great.

      2. I’ll have to check this out, I’m just tired of all the tops I have but also don’t want work only tops.

    6. Lark & Ro Women’s Georgette Bateau Neck Smocked Peplum Tank https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0862N18CN/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_SQ6XB4Q5KQBK75XGQJQV?psc=1

      Lucky size XXL only left in most colors.

      Someone recommended this $20ish top from everyone’s favorite retailer and I bought two prints and a solid (navy.) Between those tops and a great navy pinstriped MMLafleur top I bought for like $25 that they no longer sell – this was when they had a $25-$50-$100 clearance room – you have like 90% of my zoom tops.

  7. last week someone posted about their family in Ukraine trying to decide whether the mom and daughter should leave, since the dad had to stay. i’ve been thinking of your family and hoping that they are safe so far.

    following up on that and i know this was previously discussed, but for those of you with more knowledge – where is the best place to donate?

    1. I recently donated to the ICRC (international Red Cross) and to Save the Children but there’s a whole host of good places to donate.

    3. Not sure if they are the *best* places to donate, but I’ve given to World Central Kitchen, and Doctors Without Borders. Both are on the ground doing good work.

      1. MSF/Doctors without Borders is one of the most bad@ss NGOs. What they do, and where they’re willing to do it, is really incredible

    4. World Central Kitchen is on the ground feeding refugees as well as the citizens and defenders of Odessa.

    5. For Canadians if you donate to the Canadian Red Cross your donation will be matched by the government. FWIW they have a good reputation and most funds go directly to the cause. That’s where I donated

    6. Red Cross and MSF are great options, both present on the ground. You can also support Ukrainian army directly, their official account is available on their website (multiple currencies for donations). My company is matching employee donations via Save the Children, plus our Central & Eastern Europe hub is organizing their own fund to then directly support Ukrainian employees, so might be worth to check. We assume their homes/schools/kindergartens will not exist after they will want to return, so the fund will help them get back on their feet. From what I know, most of our coworkers streamed most of their donations to the UA employees fund.

    7. I donated to the (British) Red Cross. I have regular payroll donations set up to MSF so that was already covered

  8. Re-post from yesterday’s coffee break: Looking for a spa/hotel combo in the Twin Cities area (or a short (<2 hrs) drive away) for solo staycation. Probably just one night but would love some pampering on top of research and sleeping through the night. TIA!

    1. Four Seasons is opening here in June. I assume it will be amazing. I stayed at Hotel Ivy and used the spa five or so years ago. Both were great at the time.

    2. Sundara Spa, Wisconsin Dells. It will take slightly more than two hours depending on where you are in the Cities. Worth it.

  9. If you are in Charlotte, what is a good weekend trip that is easily driveabke and not Asheville? Charleston? And what else? We have to go clean out my great aunt’s condo over my kids spring break and I want to salvage at least a fun weekend for my kids out of it. Will be next month, weekend before Easter.

    1. I’d go to Charleston. It’s around a 4 hour drive, I think. If it’s spring break, I’d avoid Myrtle Beach, but you could also go up toward Murrell’s Inlet and Huntington Beach State Park if you want to see alligators and cool birds and nature stuff.

    2. How old are your kids and what sort of things do they like? If they’re younger, you could make a pretty fun weekend out of Durham and Raleigh–we have some good kids museums (Marbles in Raleigh, Museum of Life and Science in Durham), parks, etc. There’s also the NC Zoo in Asheboro, which is a fun day. Raleigh is about 3 hours from Charlotte (Google maps might tell you 2.5. It’s a lie thanks to traffic). Asheboro is maybe an hour and a half from Charlotte and I’d do a day trip for the Zoo (there’s not much else in Asheboro). Or you could do the zoo on the way to Raleigh.

    3. I’m in Charlotte – Charleston is a great option, and is actually only about 3 hours. Boone/Blowing Rock/Banner Elk is another option if you wanted mountains, just not Asheville. We have also done Wilmington (a little over 3 hours), and Greenville, SC is another one on our list and is actually under 2 hours.

      1. Depends which side of the city you’re on- I’m north of the city where it’s closer to four, especially with traffic, but you’re definitely right that it would be quite a bit shorter if you’re in the southern half. OP, if driving distance matters, it does make a difference where in Charlotte you’ll be. North will generally get you to the mountains faster, south and east is closer to the coast.

    4. I am not in Charlotte, but the Old Edwards Inn and Spa in Highlands, NC is really pretty. Caveat is that I have only ever been in the summer – not sure what it is like in April. But I also think Charleston and surrounding areas would be a great option too.

    5. You’ve gotten good recommendations here! In addition Greenville, SC is about 90 minutes from Charlotte and is a lovely small city. Waynesville and Black Mountain are both nice towns near Asheville, but have a smaller, less touristy feel. All have good access to nature and local food.

  10. My federal agency (and I suspect most) is officially mask-optional as of today. It was jarring seeing over half of people walking around with no mask when I went downstairs for a coffee. I think overall I’m just happy that our community transmission rate is so low it puts us in the category where masks are optional. I am, however, pregnant and really do not want to get covid before baby is born next month, so I hope this doesn’t backfire! For now I will continue to wear my mask in the common areas (luckily I have never had to wear one in my private office).

    1. my office (private non-law firm) also just went mask optional as of today and totally agree that it’s a bit jarring to see most people without masks again. that being said, our office building is very spacious and well ventilated and most people are vaccinated, so i’m personally fine with not wearing a mask in the office. on the other hand, i’ll still be wearing a mask when i go grocery shopping or other crowded indoor spaces.

    2. Since transmission is so low and people are buying less masks, now might be a good time to stock up if (god forbid) there’s another big wave or you decide you really need to have good masks. I bought a bunch of KN95’s in fun colors from MaskC last night (50% off!!).

    3. Honestly I love it. It’s so refreshing to see people’s faces again. My city just lifted the mandate. I’m really looking forward to my post-work Spin class; I hated working out with a mask.

  11. For those that are short-waisted/no-torso (think Meghan Markle) with long legs and tend to gain in the middle – what are the fashion trends/silhouettes you love and what do you absolutely stay away from? Especially confused when it comes to hard pants and tops because in the beforetimes I was a skirt/dress gal. I did have a few pairs of high-waisted jeans and liked how they “hid” my midsection and didn’t mind that they didn’t elongate my non-existent torso.

    For dresses: defined waists, wrap/faux wrap, fit-and-flare, not too high of a neckline
    For blazers: nothing cropped, longer is better

    I’m on a weight loss journey but also looking to – in parallel – cull and redefine my closet. TIA!

    1. Following with interest. For me, wrap/faux wrap, interest around the neckline (bateau, pleat neck), if wearing pants – untucked shells that skim but don’t cling. There has to be drape somehwere – either up top or in the bottoms, all-stiff and all-structured doesn’t work well on me.

      1. Oh, and cropped blazers surprisingly work if they are colarless and have a vbit of waist definition – not boxy, and hit just above hips but below waistline. Same effect as untucked skimming shells.

      2. Definitely agree with you about the skim and drape. That’s why I have a ton of fit and flare dresses in my closet. And also lots of those Old Navy swing dresses. Sheath dresses never worked for me. I never tuck in tops. I wear high waisted pants and longer tops.

    2. Following! No solutions though except some BR Factory dresses that are midi length and only semi-fitted above the waist. BR and BR Factory seem to be killing it lately. Praying to find some petite midi dresses that won’t be overly long in length or torso.

    3. If you picture what looks best on MM you might get some inspiration. IMHO she looked best in structured pieces that skimmed the waist – think the yellow boatneck dress from an early event, slouchy shirt over slim jeans, or the “tux” type of look with the open, c0ll@rless jacket.

      Less successful in my view are the clingy knits or belted pieces.

    4. Idk about cropped blazers, but cropped shirts have been a godsend for me. BR factory has a bunch. I wish there were more cropped-ish work tops, especially now that there is a wider variety of high waisted work pants. Ponte bootcut trousers and thier ilk are very flattering. Agree with your list for dresses.

    5. MM isn’t just short-waisted; she also has a straight-up-and-down torso with little waist definition. I am also shaped like a tree trunk but long-waisted, and I find that many of the styles that work on MM also work on me. Sheath dresses with no waist seam, properly tailored, are great. If you are curvier at the waist than MM, I wouldn’t take her as an example.

    6. Try peplum jackets and tops, search for peplum at The Fold London.

      For tops you want the eye to catch your shoulders or collar bone. Open, wide necks, off shoulder, anything that accentuates neck and shoulders.

      For trousers – do you have straight and slim legs and smaller hips? Get wider trousers with angled, open pockets. They will widen you hips visually. I have wide hips and thighs, and avoid those pockets because they just gape, but with slim hips and legs they are great.

  12. Help me decide! I’m going to get some Rothys casual shoes for the spring. Do I want the Loafer or the Driver? I just want something I can slip on to walk the dog or meet a friend that isn’t flats or sneakers. I have not bought any shoes in 3 years and am having decision paralysis.

    (Referral code if you are so inclined, https://share.rothys.com/x/WO1VBg)

        1. I think it depends more on your feet than on the dog. I have high arches and would never go for a walk, dog or not, in Rothys.

        2. I wouldn’t walk a dog, of any size, in Rothys because they’re uncomfortable for walking and have no arch support, not because I need sturdy shoes to control my dog.

        3. Same, with two teen-pound dogs here. We don’t go that far. Their legs are wee. I am someone with narrow feet and high arches and I don’t find them uncomfortable at all. Comfort is subjective.

          I personally like the slip on sneaker for this.

        4. My 50 lb bulldog also requires me to wear sturdy shoes when walking him. What shoes would you wear for a game of tug of war vs a worthy adversary? He would prefer NOT to go on walks so it’s a real drag (literally) every time.

      2. I use the sneaker, and I add a supportive insole. Just as good that way as a very supportive shoe. But comfortable and washable.

    2. I think it depends on your foot. The Rothys point and sneaker work for me, but the loafer just fit me weird and looked funny. Haven’t tried the driver. I like the look of the driver better than the loafer.

      1. +1
        I also like the look of the driver better than the loafer. I haven’t tried the loafer myself but a friend returned them on the grounds it made her foot look like a cartoon (round, kind of blobby).

    3. Contrary to other posters, I love their loafer – it looks like a smoking slipper to me and works great with skirts/dresses. I also really like the slip on and chelsea styles if I’m wearing pants – esp the chelsea since I can wear socks. The driver reads quite preppy, so that may work if it’s your style.

      I find all of them very comfortable, though the loafer is least supportive. I’m happy to run errands or something in them, but I have terrible feet wouldn’t want to walk more than a mile – they have similar lack of support as a ballet flat.

  13. I need some help from the hive regarding issues with a new hire. They are not adapting to the company culture, at all. Over the last 8 weeks, they have come to me over a dozen times either venting, or complaining, about the way things work here. Our company, and department specifically, are not perfect but we do work in a very high stress environment. Sometimes the work is reactive instead of being proactive but that is the nature of our business (not disclosing for obvious reasons). While there is always room for improvement, I’m starting to get frustrated because the new hire is not taking my feedback and suggestions on how to adapt. I am doing my best to make them feel heard and validated but also suggesting ways to acclimate. Any advice is appreciated.

      2. Haha regardless of the field, a brand new entry level person does not have the depth of knowledge to know how things actually work, nor the depth of experience to suggest meaningful change. An entry level employee should be learning as much as they can rather than complaining constantly about it.

        To OP, pre pandemic I built out a department from 15ish people to 40+, 90% entry level. There are inevitably going to be a few bad hires. Whether it’s that the person really doesn’t have the skills to do the job or whether it’s because culturally they will never like their job, or per yesterday’s post, they just don’t identify as a hard worker, not everyone makes it out of the probationary period.

        Usually this is mutual, because when someone is as miserable as your staff member is, they don’t want to work there either. You do have to get someone like this out ASAP because they poison the well for their coworkers that you’re trying to keep.

      1. And what’s the approximate level of the new hire? Junior? Leader? Mid level management?

        1. New hire is a Senior Analyst. I’m 2 levels above them in Executive Management. I’ve come to find that they are going to their direct boss before coming to me with the exact same issues. It appears that they are possibly looking for a 2nd opinion when they don’t like the first answer.

          1. When someone jumps rungs to bring their complaint to me, I always* ask if they’ve spoken to their direct supervisor and what their supervisor said. Then, unless necessary, I just back up their supervisor and, if it happens more than a couple times, I lay out that–broad strokes–their supervisor remains the best source of counsel* and that I’d be hard-pressed to overturn their decisions/input directly to their subordinate.

            *Exception for: safety, EEO considerations, malfeasance/misfeasance. They can always come to me.

          2. I wonder if they’re thinking about quitting and just want to check with a skip-level before making that decision to make sure things aren’t going to change. Sounds like they’re not, so maybe this person will be on their way soon and everyone will be happier?

          3. Isn’t this their manager’s job (and therefore, your job to work with your direct on mentoring his/her new hire?)

    3. Well, does the new hire have valid complaints? Does your company culture actually stink and you don’t see it because you’ve been there for so long? Its usually worth listening to new hires on issues they see because they have fresh eyes and see something you have a blind spot towards.

      1. This point is somewhat valid, but it is beside the point. The issue isn’t that things stink, it’s that OP has told the new hire that they need to learn to live with how things are and they’re not.

        OP: if you haven’t already told this person very bluntly that they need to come to terms with accepting how things are at your company in order to stay there, you should do that. Certainly acknowledge that some things can and should change (and let them know what is being worked on), but it’s not productive to come to you venting and complaining about things. If they have actionable solutions, you’re all ears, but they can’t come to you more than once a week (!) like this.

        I have worked in plenty of workplaces where even “executive management” or the equivalent is not able to make huge changes to processes that some view as outdated or frustrating. Sometimes there are laws around what can change and how much, sometimes making one change over here impacts many other things over there, and sometimes there really is a better solution and everyone agrees on that but it takes 2-3 years and a million dollars to implement a new system (and the board would rather not spend that kind of money on a new system because the org can make do without it).

      2. Yes, some of the complaints are valid. I do try and make the employee feel heard and validated. The culture doesn’t stink but the job is in person and that’s one of the sticking points for new employee (our whole company is and has been since mid-2020). That was all explained during the interview process multiple times and it was understood by the candidate. I understand “times have changed” but our industry has not and will not. It is understood that we will miss out on good talent for this reason.

        Other feedback they give is noted. Our industry is similar to IT Services Banking so it’s not quick to change. And if a process management changes, it takes significant approval and effort to implement.

    4. Who hired this person? Assuming not you. This sounds like the hiring manager’s issue to address. Sounds like this new hire reports to your direct report. I would:
      1) meet with your direct report and lay all this out. It’s his/her job to manage the new hire, not yours!
      2) stop accepting meetings/responding to emails/become less available if these are walk-in conversations. If you want to respond, forward their response to their manager and copy them. “Greg, see below. New Hire has a question on ABC.”

      It’s surprising that if you are exec management (I take this to mean at minimum a department head, though often it means leadership team/c-suite) you even have time for “over a dozen” complaints/conversations with someone in a senior analyst role. In any halfway large company I’ve worked in, there are several layers of management between these roles.

    5. I’m sorry you’re getting unhelpful/snarky responses from people. I think this is question best answered by people who actually have management experience, so let me add my $.02.

      First off, now knowing the new hire is level-jumping to get to you, I would address that first. If this person comes to you with a complaint, ask if they’ve talked to their direct manager about it, and if not, send them right back to their manager. Gently, you’re training this person to come to you to vent or get relief rather than working through the appropriate channels. This is not helping the employee acclimate to the culture. Have you delved into why they are coming to you so much? Do they feel like their direct supervisor isn’t listening or taking action? Have you talked to their direct supervisor to get more information about what the dynamic is there, or what’s going on in this employee’s day-to-day that you may not have visibility into?

      I think this is a situation where you need to take a step back and allow the direct supervisor to step up and become more proactive with their management of this employee. While I completely understand and empathize with your desire to be available and responsive to people on your team, counseling a new employee through the growing pains of integrating into an organization is something the person’s manager should be doing. By continually making yourself available to the employee, you’re removing some of their manager’s autonomy and power to help solve the issue. You’re not empowering the manager to help the employee, and you’re not empowering the employee to solve their own problems (and believe me, I understand you’re operating from a place of best intentions and I’m not trying to slam you). I think if the new hire is continuing to struggle, step up your interactions with their manager – not the employee – to see if you can address problems.

      If this keeps up much longer, I think there is a place for you, the new hire, and the manager to sit down and have an honest conversation about whether or not the employee feels like they want to continue trying to make the opportunity work. This is not a disciplinary conversation. In the past, I have framed this as: “we (you and the manager) have heard what you’re saying about our organization and our operations. We know things aren’t perfect here and we’re always striving to improve. However, you don’t seem happy and it’s been ___ (months, weeks, etc.). We just want to have an open conversation about how we create a path forward where you can be successful. Can we talk about what you feel like you need to make this job work for you?” And then listen. What the new hire asks for may be doable, or it may not. I think you don’t do anyone any favors when you promise to change things (or that things will change) when you know that’s not possible. The bottom line is that not all jobs or organizations are the right fit for all people. If this person is performing at expectations, I would let the situation ride, have the manager counsel them where applicable, and see if they settle in. Believe me, these days if the new hire is really that unhappy, they will leave. If performance is not at expectations or starts to slip, deal with that issue as something separate from the person’s complaints.

      I am sorry you’re in this situation. Been there, and it’s tough. Lean into the talent and capabilities of your manager who has responsibility for this employee and gently require them to step up. Share the load. This is not solely your problem to solve (or handle, because I’m not sure “solving” it is possible).

      1. All of this. And I’m guessing, based on the information you’ve given, that this employee is simply not a good fit.

      2. Yeah the level jumping is problematic. I once hired a guy and specifically told him that a new manager would be starting shortly after he joined and that he would report to the new manager. I was the manager’s manager. Even after the new manager started, entry level guy kept coming into my office rather than going to the manger. I’d tell him he needed to go to his manager every single time but he persisted. He also persisted in “double checking” with me that he should really do the assignments his manager gave him, and then he didn’t really do them. We persisted him right out the door.

    6. Seconding the people who are concerned with New Hire ignoring the chain of command. My suggestion is that you be very clear that complaints (with the obvious exceptions) need to go to their direct manager. Also, complaints should only be made once – especially over an 8 week period (if it was months/years and some response had been promised it would be different). Continuing to complain about the same thing indicates a real problem and the constant negativity can rapidly become contagious.

      You got excellent advice below and I will not repeat it except for the part about complaining about working in person. I just ran into this with a new hire. My response was to look her right in the eye and say “We discussed this during your interview. We require you to come into the office three times a week.. That has not changed and is not going to change absent some new government directive, so you need to decide if that is going to work for you moving forward. If not, I will understand but you need to decide.” Honestly I have reached the point where the next time I am going to ask if she is resigning because I am really tired of her complaining about a term of her employment that was conveyed multiple times during the interview process.

  14. Best pants??? I can’t quite the “skinny” leg and need some new black and navy dress ankle pants. I’m so sick of high waisted, wide leg, etc. and just want the classic (26-27″ inseam) pants back! I have had the same pants from Loft for YEARS and now I’ve lost a bit of weight and they hang on me. Any recommendations welcome! I’m willing to try and return as many as it takes!

    2. You want the Universal Standard ponte pants – either Moro pocket ponte pants or Smart Signature ponte pants. Both drape nicely and have the inseam you want.

    3. I just bought a couple of pants like that from theory outlet. I went in person but I’m told they now sell outlet pieces online.

  15. Anyone have suggestions of a nice resort on the gulf side of Florida? I’m trying to plan a little getaway but am overwhelmed by options – and haven’t spent much time in Florida to know where’s nice for adults vs. spring breakers. My dream scenario is a resort with a gorgeous large pool that overlooks the ocean that’s within walking distance of fun shops and restaurants. Budget is $350 a night or less if possible. Will be flying out of Indianapolis so a nonstop flight is a plus.

    Appreciate any recs!

    1. Not sure it fits price wise but I love the Pearl in Rosemary Beach. Another option is Watercolor Inn. (This is obviously Panhandle gulf side—I’m sure you’ll get great recs for the southern gulf side.)

      1. I second Watercolor Inn and the panhandle in general (the vibe is… iffy but the beaches are beautiful and the wildlife is incredible), but I live in the Indianapolis area too and from IND you can only go non-stop on Allegient. Don’t know if that would be a dealbreaker for OP, but I try not to fly those discount airlines. The panhandle is also “only” an 11-12 hour drive from Indy. We drove twice during Covid and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

      2. Agree with these two recommendations – nice properties. 30A is such a great spot. Also heard the Henderson Park Inn is nice although it may be adults only.

        1. It is definitely adults only. Even their casual beachfront restaurant doesn’t allow children.

      3. Normally I would say Watercolor, but I just looked at them for an upcoming vacation and their website says they are currently undergoing renovations, so carefully check out their disclaimers.

    2. Watercolor Inn in Santa Rosa Beach or The Pearl in Rosemary Beach – depending on your trip dates these may be out of your budget. Watercolor may be more affordable than The Pearl. Watercolor has an amazing pool and is more family friendly but not spring break-y. The Pearl is very upscale with a smaller pool. Both are right in the middle of cute downtowns with restaurants, shops, etc. The Court in Seaside just opened and looks adorable. Not sure about direct flights but you can easily reach both towns from a few different airports (PCB or Destin).

    3. so it’s not on the beach but the Inn on Fifth in Naples otherwise cannot be beat on your other requirements. (They have a roof pool.) It’s about a 10 minute walk to the beach.

      I haven’t been in years but heard the Don Cesar in St Pete was recently redone, in case flying to Tampa is a lot easier than Ft. Myers (about a 40 minute drive from downtown Naples).

      1. I just got back from a short trip to the Naples area. We usually go in October, and the February high-season prices were a bit of a shock. The rates at the Inn on Fifth are currently about $900/night.

        1. oh jeez – we stayed there a few years ago (off season) and it was def under $300 a night for a standard room. How times have changed!

          1. Travel costs, especially luxury hotel costs, seem to have risen much faster than inflation lately. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic or what, but it’s crazy. Right before the pandemic we were dreaming about visiting a particular hotel in the Caribbean. It was around $1,200 a night, which is a lot for us but doable. I just checked again (for the same time of year as we were originally looking) and it’s now $2,800 a night. For a hotel room! Insanity.

    4. For south gulf, take a look at the South Seas Island Resort on Captiva/Sanibel Island. We had a great time there on a family trip a few years ago.

  16. Anyone live in, or recently travel to Scotland and can throw out some areas worth visiting?

    It will be a my family (young kids- 4,6,9) + 75 y/o MIL. We are looking at end end of summer, 2-3 weeks. I’m looking for one or two “home base” areas where we can just….live….and then sightsee as possible. We will have a car.

    1. I should add that my plan is to rent a house/cottage with 4 BRs and 2+ bathrooms and a full kitchen. Ideally with a yard or near a place that my kids can regularly go to run off their energy without bothering too many other people.

      1. Ah, I wonder about East Lothian for that type of rental. That’s a big house for Scotland so it would be tricky to find within the city boundaries. Look at North Berwick. I’d recommend Portobello as seaside close to the city but parking would be a bear.
        Or Fife, the seaside villages are super cute,

    2. I’m based outside of Edinburgh, which is likely the natural choice. August is festival season though, and accommodation may be a challenge. The first two weeks of September is the gap between tourists leaving and students arriving and it’s a delight. For visits, Skye, Fife (St Andrews and the seaside villages are super cute), I think Glasgow is worth a visit – the transport museum is very cool. People’s views on Glasgow are mixed, but I like it.

      I live outside of Edinburgh. If you drop a burner email, I’ll email you and can answer any questions?

      1. Awesome. We are bound to the summer months because the older kids start back at school in September, unfortunately. I’ll gather up some thoughts and then reach out!

    3. Interested in this also. Plus can someone weigh in – if you’re looking for small city travel and are happy just wandering a city looking at architecture, tourist areas, shopping, book stores and staying in a luxury hotel – how many days can you spend in Edinburgh? Is a Scotland trip wasted if you don’t spend time in the country [as people say Ireland isn’t worth it if you aren’t leaving Dublin]?

      1. I think Edinburgh is done in 3 days max, but it’s an easy 1 hour direct train to Glasgow and I think you can also get a short train to St Andrews which is lovely for a day of wandering.

      2. We honeymooned in Scotland in 2018 and spent most of our time in the Highlands. Got off the plane and drove north, and did Glasgow and Edinburgh on the back end. After the natural majesty and un-touristy historical sites and friendly locals in the Highlands, Edinburgh felt like a let-down (too commercialized) and Glasgow felt gritty.

      3. Edinburgh could keep you busy for awhile, loads of cute bookshops, cafes, shops. I would stay at the Nira Caledonia and take a few day trips. You could even do one of the more luxe tours to get out of the city.

      4. Edinburgh: 2-3 days. Highly recommend taking the train north and spending 2 days (1 night or 2) in Dundee – the Indigo hotel in the old mill is fab. You only need a day to spend in Dundee, it’s very quiet (not a shopping destination) but there are good museums and restaurants in the area.

        Glasgow is better shopping than Edinburgh, in my opinion. The town feels bigger, but Edinburgh is prettier.
        From Glasgow there’s just a short train ride to the west coast or lovely lochs, if you do want some country.

    4. You’ll love it here! In my opinion the west coast is the nicest part of the country but the east does have a few nice areas. On the east St Andrews, Edinburgh & the East Neuk of Fife are all worth a visit but a day would do each area unless you wanted a bit more time in Edinburgh. Stirling Castle is nicer than Edinburgh Castle I found when I last went but both are fun and you can get a joint ticket I think. Inverness and Aberdeen aren’t anything special but Loch Lomond, Glen Coe, Fort William, Oban, Isle of Skye are all lovely. I’m also a big fan of Glasgow. I would do a week around Edinburgh and see the East plus Glasgow (only an hour to drive between or on the train) then head up through Loch Lomond to Oban & Mull, then further up to Fort William & Skye. I think you’d need 3 bases though as the West is much more spread out than the East.

      1. I love Glasgow but apart from the transport museum and the Kelvingrove museum I don’t think it’s suited to tourists.

        I also prefer Stirling Castle to Edinbutgh castle, but I’m not sure its worth the trip to Stirling just to do it, and there is nothing else to do there. And I guess people do love to see the Crown Jewels in Edinburgh.

    5. Scot here.

      Glasgow has some great museums but isn’t touristy and you’d struggle for more than one or two nights.

      Edinburgh can be tourist hell over the summer and especially during the festivals (assuming it will ramp up again now covid restrictions are ending). You can spend hours there and never meet a local – took my overseas cousin into the old town a couple of years ago and had been there around 6 hours before I was able to point out a true Edinburgh/east coast accent. In places if it wasnt for the tartan tat tourist shops you could be anywhere touristy as old town has also had its personality ripped out by short tern tourist lets (like a lot of cities). You probably want a couple of days in Edinburgh and I’d recommend both the National museum of Scotland (where else can you see the contents of an undisturbed Egyptian royal tomb?) and an open top bus tour. Personally I liked the historical maroon one. I find the castle underwhelming and expensive but it may be worth a visit.

      I love Perth. The city/town centre is rather tired but is a wonderful base for seeing that part of the country. There are lots of visitor attractions within driving distance. Another hour up the road is Pitlochry. Its another place beloved by tourists, but it still has charm and some less touristy areas. If you look at a map of Perthshire, always double the time you think it will take to get anywhere, but its worth it. I love picking two places on a map and just exploring the wee backroads and seeing what I find.

      If you want a drive, then the North Coast 500 is a great drive, although there iwas talk that its so busy that the wildness is gone.

      If you want to stay closer to Edinburgh the “the kingdom” aka Fife is an hours drive north. Wonderful wee towns to potter around and fabulous scenery.

      An hour or so southish is Peebles which is a great base for seeing the Borders. Its pretty and just touristy enough to be quaint but just real enough that it’s not gone full “tartan and shortbread”.

      1. Do your recommendations hold true when you are talking about young kids? My kids are 0% interest in, for example, and undisturbed Egyptian tomb. We are going to have to balance stuff DH, MIL and I like with a healthy mix of parks,
        Playgrounds, grocery stores, and Harry Potter ;).

        1. Both Kevingrove Museum in Glasgow and the National Museum of Scotland in Edinburgh are amazing for kids.

          But don’t see the tombs, see Dolly the cloned sheep, airplanes hanging from the ceiling, animal skeletons, art hanging in kid height with kid questions and activities. Both those museums are museums of EVERYTHING and anybody can find something truly fun.

          The transport museum as well, if they like cars and buses.

        2. Like a lot of museums, the NMS has got a fair bit of hands on/kiddie friendly stuffthese days. Their website could give you a guide.

          In Edinburgh, there is also the camera obscura, never been but seems popular for families. Edinburgh is a hard city on the feet and can be breezy even in the best of weather. Plus the old town is incredibly hilly. I think it would tire out kids quickly.

          The most kid friendly museums are the transport museum and the Kelvingrove both in Glasgow. But that’s it for Glasgow, otherwise its very industrial. Its just not touristy.

          If you do Fife, then the cold war secret bunker near Crail is good, and Falkland Palace would entertain both kids and adults.

          If you want Harry Potter, would you consider a 2hr detour South of the border? Alnwick is about 2 or so hours south from Edinburgh and would entertain them for a couple of days. I know you wanted Scotland, but that part of the border area changed hands so many times it almost counts. There is Alnwick Castle which was used for some of the outdoor scenes of the HP films, and it’s just wonderful. I visited without knowing, but they had tours, HP stuff all summer, plus lots of general children friendly stuff (jesters, jousts and other medieval castle re-enactment stuff). And right next door is Alnwick Gardens which is a wonderful place with fabulous gardens, a poison garden, loads of kids stuff and the worlds largest tree house. And only a few miles away is Alnmouth with a wonderful beach to tire them out on. You could even do a couple of the Roman forts on Hadrians wall on the way back.

          Kids are going to find the Highlands and Islands a bit dull, it can be rather tartan and whisky centres. You probably want to stay to the bigger touristy stuff.

      2. I have lived in Scotland for 10 years and have never been to Peebles. Going on my summer list.

        1. Peebles is wonderful in the sun, and like most places in Scotland, miserable in the rain. I was down last summer and it was beautiful plus the parking is soooooo cheap in the Borders council area.

          Peebles Hydro is in a nice position and lovely, but its a bit out of town to be my choice of hotel. If you want clean but not too fancy, I stayed in the Tontine which is literally in the centre of town. Old fashioned upstairs but the room was pretty newly decorated and really comfortable (rooms are downstairs at the back). Menu was limited due to covid but pretty OK., nice bar, friendly owners.

          I loved Melrose, quaint with cute wee independent shops and the Abbey is cool (spent ages looking for the gargoyle of the pig playing the bagpipes). Jedburgh was nice too with free parking. Avoid Galashields. Biggar is also a quick drive over and has a couple of nice places.

          There are a lot of nice wee art galleries down that way.

    6. Did a multi-generational trip to Scotland a few years ago, staying in Glasgow, with some day trips out. The Science Museum in Glasgow was a hit for the whole age range. We stayed in two rental flats in a normal residential property just south of the river each of which was 2br/2ba. We were not in the same building, but took two minutes to walk between units.

    7. We loved Glencoe. And also Loch Lomond.
      I’d also highly recommend spending time in the Cairngorms. Personally I liked Edinburgh a lot.

  17. In the last month, my 16-month old got RSV, my husband and I both caught colds, my 13.5 year old dog died, and my husband and I both got a stomach flu that was SO AWFUL.

    I’m thrilled that it’s March, and can’t wait for warmer weather and more sunshine. It’s been…bleak around here.

    2. Sending you thoughts of spring! I live in DC, and they just announced peak bloom is 3/22-25. It’s real! If you’re nearby, come! If not, know I’m sending you thoughts of the coming pink and white fluffy blooms.

    3. I feel ya. In the past month I’ve caught COVID, my city was occupied, my water heater broke, AND my dog got sick. It’s too much.

    4. My dog died on Monday – it was so shocking that I haven’t told anyone yet. Hugs.

      2. All the hugs. I am here deliberating whether it is time to make the call for my dog. This is too hard.

    5. What a horrible February! Wishing you a pleasant and sunny March! Hang in there.

    6. I hope you get outside and enjoy! And I’m so sorry for the loss of your pup.

  18. Sorry for another “generational” post but this isn’t generation bashing – does anyone else feel like millennials [not necessarily the 40 yr olds like me but say up to age 32-35] as well as the Gen Z folks out of college already are really good at looking out for themselves in a way that you weren’t? Is this just how they are/were raised or is this the pandemic? I feel like I know multiple people ages 25-35 who have just walked away from what is traditional and expected despite being high achievers to do what they want to do instead. This includes picking up and leaving NYC biglaw to move to Florida or South Carolina or wherever to live on the beach; friends/parents/colleagues were all like yeah they’re just doing this because it’s remote work, no way they’d just quit a 300k+ job to permanently settle in a small/medium city just so they can live on the beach or in the mountains. Well guess what they held onto their NYC jobs while they were allowed to be fully remote but as soon as the firms said they had to be back a few days a week, they quit – one started a small non law business [think small business catering to a vacation crowd]; two others have grabbed jobs at firms that are solo lawyers looking to take on an associate; one went to a sizeable regional firm after taking his state’s bar. Have seen the same with college grads leaving MBB consulting after less than two years to go work at jobs they’re passionate about like climate change etc.

    And none of these people is in a situation of being especially rich/trust fund kid who can do whatever or married to someone bringing home huge income etc. I mean they’re smart so I’m sure they planned it out around loans etc. but they truly are doing what THEY want. I graduated law school in 05 and did the 9 year biglaw slog to make money – knowing I’d never be partner, because it was the only way for me to make that much money. I don’t regret it monetarily of course but wow I’m impressed with this next generation looking out for their interests so young; I feel like I’m JUST starting to do that now at 41, barely.

    1. Is there a problem with this? I am in that younger generation but as long as you have savings and do it in a reasonable way, which the people I know doing this have, its a great thing! Why not? My dad has a pension so thats a good reason to stay at a company for a long time, but I don’t have any benefits like this.

    2. We’re the same age. I think our generation (really the tail end of X) was raised with the successful Boomer mentality of “take care of the company and the company will take care of you.” We’ve seen layoffs, people’s pensions evaporate, and #MeToo. The first two are handled by understanding that you’re going to move jobs plenty of times and to save relentlessly in a 401k. The third is just a gut punch. After that, we’re really believing that we need to watch out for us. Meanwhile, those ten years younger than us have just seen the wreckage and have no concept of companies actually taking care of their employees, even as lip service.

      1. I am one of those middle aged millenials, and this is exactly my view. My whole life I have seen the one-way expectation of loyalty in workplaces, justified with empty promises. A lot of us graduate into temporary employment. Nobody looks out for you if you don’t.
        Additionally, a lot of folks have a pretty bleak outlook long term. Climate change is making a lot of place less livable throughout the next decades, a lot of us have a hard time getting on the home buying ladder, and wealth inequality and deregulation seem out of control. We don’t know what the future holds, we aren’t looking to hustle now to ensure a good retirement. We are carping that diem because that seems the smart thing to do.

        1. +1. I’m 40, use TikTok, and have teen stepkids. This is the message I’m getting from these younger sources, and sadly I can’t argue with it. I did what I was supposed to do, and *eventually* I found stability. But life is far from perfect even now, I don’t feel there’s much to rely on for the future, and honestly I had a leg up from the Boomers in my family that we Millennials cannot offer to Gen Z now.

      2. Same. Age 41 and really was raised by the boomers to believe in successful job, traditional career, work hard and it’ll pay off. The great recession happened while I was a fourth year law firm associate; while I was lucky enough to survive, 50% of my associate class did not. They were laid off overnight – and oh it wasn’t called a layoff; one by one they were called in and told about some picky mistake they made 2 years ago warranting their immediate termination. And then my firm continued to do that twice/year for the next 3-4 years. Otherwise great lawyers that were soooo trusted before and staffed on every big deal/litigation were suddenly AWFUL terrible attorneys who needed to be fired ASAP because the partners needed to protect their profits by decreasing payroll [stealth layoffs for those who know that trend]. Yeah so there went any loyalty I had even though I personally survived all of that. My parents STILL don’t get why though. And STILL believe the boomer speak of – oh they must have been bad at their jobs, didn’t graduate the right schools blah blah . . . So yeah while I saw the light around age 29-30, those 5 years or more younger than me say the light RIGHT THEN and that’s what shapes their decisions, much to the boomer parent generation’s chagrin.

    3. I don’t know anyone personally that has done this, but I say good for them. I’m 45 and from an Asian culture so I was raised with the notion that job security is the most important thing ever. I can’t imagine doing something like that at this stage in my life, but I hope I’m setting myself up for a comfortable retirement. I work in tech and am able to work remotely and my job isn’t stressful like a lawyer. I make just at six figures and I’m comfortable where I’m at. I’m glad they are doing what they want to.

    4. It could be the pandemic or just people being brave enough to take risks to follow their dreams. I am the same age as you and only now leaving a career I realized was contributing to my depression and anxiety. The courage to try and make a change came during the long moments I was alone during the pandemic when I had time to think things through. Also after getting to 40 I feel like I don’t have much longer to live so its better to do things that I enjoy and not stay in positions where one is unhappy.

    5. I am 33 and I have already walked away from a first career, and I would have no hesitation in leaving a high paying job for one that was a better fit for the life I want to lead. Right now, my husband and I are preparing to move to a lower cost city where I will continue in my remote decently paid law job I enjoy. Husband is quitting his high paid job he finds frustrating to be a full time dad. We would rather have the time and energy to enjoy all the non-working aspects of our life than have a bit more money. We have enough to maintain a comfortable standard and put some away each month in retirement and other savings. Beyond that, I don’t see what I gain from more money when it binds me to a job and company that would dump me without a second thought.

      1. More money gives you something more than comfortable + something more than putting “some” away in retirement each month. I’m not criticizing you – I wish I was doing what you’re doing. I’m just saying that there is always marginal utility in more money unless you already have Gates or Buffett type money. To me it’s just my anxiety too because there’s always this thought of you never know how much you’ll need, so how can you decide at 35 or 45 what will be enough or comfortable? But then that puts you in this never ending rat race where I feel like nothing is ever enough – like if I’m at this miserable job for x more months, that’s $y more savings, $z more in retirement etc. Ask me how I know . . . .

        1. until you end up like my aunt – retired in June 2018 and in July was diagnosed with a terminal disease…

          She and my uncle had worked really hard in low-paying jobs and put off a lot of fun to save for retirement. They had planned a retirement full of low-cost travel (boon docking on BLM land, for example), hiking, biking, etc. and she never got to do any of it.

        2. I guess the question is, why do I want more than comfortable. Comfortable is a line each person/family makes for themselves of course, but if I have a house, all my bills paid, enough for spending on the kinds of luxuries that mean most to us, why do I need anything more than comfortable? What do I gain by expanding my lifestyle if we are happy right now, other than being tied to a job that may pay more but typically comes with downsides too.
          And right now my “some” is maxing my 401K plus some more into other savings accounts. Like you said, what is “enough.”
          Theres almost always a way to earn more by working more, but what do I gain and what do I lose.

      2. Just make sure you will really and truly have enough to also live the life you want to live in retirement.

      1. This. I totally understand what the prior two posters are saying and I agree, the people that are mid 30s and younger have NEVER seen a company take care of anyone since they graduated post great recession, never bought into the idea of loyalty for a second and thus they are living their lives doing what they want – whether that’s job switching or living in a mountain town even if it means earning a few hundred thousand dollars less per year than they could earn making traditional use of their ivy law or MBA degrees etc. And I get why people do this too thinking – who knows what the world will be like in a few more decades, why scrimp and save and work for the employer with the best 401k match or save for that 20% down payment. EXCEPT what if the world largely is fine/the same/similar in three decades, will they then wish they could have gone back and focused on the absolute max retirement savings or jumping on the property ladder or whatever? Because the way income inequality is going . . . IDK that you want to be in the “have not” or “have less than I could have had” camp either.

        And the reality in professions like law and finance and tech, your greatest income potential is when you are young; that’s why you’re being recruited out of schools for crazy salaries etc. but also to work crazy hours but it doesn’t necessarily last forever due to a combo of not wanting to work 100 hour weeks for life + not everyone rises to the top because politics/network etc. matter. IDK I’d much rather do it like many 40 year olds I know did – 9 years in biglaw making the max salary, investing it etc. and THEN foot off the gas to an “easier” government or in house or whatever job – or THEN moving to that mountain town of your dreams and living on whatever salary you make, while your nest egg/passive income continues to grow.

        1. I don’t think its either or. I guess it depends what you leave to do. I don’t have the same 401k as my firends who have worked at a Big4 since graduation, but its honestly similar. This is what I was saying above – I have had an IRA or 401k, I’ve contributed to it, I have other savings. I actually built up a lot of those savings while I had a lower paying job because I also lived somewhere with LCOL and paid little rent and didn’t have the time to do anything but work (at my passion).
          It’s a balance. I’m from an immigrant family, I get the comfort of having money, but I don’t need a crazy amount of money if that in turn makes me unhappy.

        2. I’ll pop in to be the cynic I suppose – I’m 30 and I have younger siblings/friends entering the workforce. Very very few people in this demographic think that they will ever be able to retire. I’m a lawyer but even I think the world as we know it now will end before I’m at retirement age. I think this gap in hope/optimism has to do with the fact that people of my parents’ vintage lived through the Cold War/MADD era and things turned out fine! So there’s a belief that everything will work out. But climate change is shaping our world faster than we can react to it (latest UN report) and governments aren’t moving to react to that at all. It’s really a slow march to catastrophic change – so why not enjoy the time now?

          1. What does climate change have to do with retirement exactly aside from location of retirement? If anything the safer places to retire that are less affected by climate change are going to get more expensive so won’t you need even more money? And everyone says oh we’ll never retire/never be able to. Guess what – everyone DOES retire – some by choice and many when they are age discriminated out of a job by 60 and never find anything comparable again. Should there not be a plan for that?

          2. No – everyone does not retire. My friends little old 80 something grandma still works at a deli because she cannot afford to retire.

            I worked at a breakfast place in college and I had several coworkers who were in their mid 70s. At least one of whom had two jobs. I made breakfast sandwiches every morning from 6am-2pm with Kathy and then she went and worked swing shift at the grocery store as a cashier.

          3. I’m saying we won’t have a planet on which to retire? That’s what I mean about climate change affecting retirement plans.

          4. I’m not dismissing the massive impact of climate change. It’s going to kill millions of people and impact the lives of hundreds of millions or billions more. But it’s not going to destroy the entire planet. We will have a planet on which to retire. This is crazy talk. Affluent Americans will still be retiring and needing retirement savings in 35 years.

          5. @Squeak, we will absolutely have a planet on which to retire by the time we are that age. I am a few years younger than you. The planet will look very different, and it will require significantly more money to live comfortably on that planet than it does now, but we are not the generation that will experience a true life as we know it ending level of climate change. That’s for likely our grandchildren to grapple with, unfortunately.

        3. Can we just stop with the myth of 100-hour weeks. No one is actually routinely working 100-hour weeks except, possibly, big company CEOs who can claim that every minute in a black car or plane and every social encounter is a work event. It’s not healthy for people to view their own lives this way and it is not healthy to portray your life or your job to others, especially to recruits, this way. I defy you to show me the schedule of aomeone who “works 100 hour weeks” routinely.

    7. They may not be trust fund kids, but they’re not going to be living in a van down by the river if things go south. For those of us who don’t have family to move back home to or some other backstop, there’s no quitting the sure thing to chase those kinds of dreams.

      1. +1. These kids can even stay on their parents’ health insurance until age 26. I was paying my own way for everything from the day I left for college at age 17. I didn’t have the luxury of taking risks. I had to have a salary and benefits. I couldn’t even join the military; OCS was too much of a risk because if I’d gotten injured and washed out I would have had nowhere to go because I would already have quit my job and given up my apartment.

        1. +1 I’ve paid my own rent since 17, I have no safety net, just me and my own savings. I’m only 30 but the idea of taking any of these risks only works if you have a functional family/support system whose couch you could crash on if it all goes wrong. If it goes wrong I’m homeless.

          1. Yep. I think a lot of young people also seriously underestimate the risk of going without health insurance. In my 20s I I watched a friend struggle to pay off the modest copay on a minor surgery she had. Then I unexpectedly needed a minor diagnostic procedure that was billed at $10,000. The negotiated insurance rate was $1,000, of which I paid nothing thanks to an amazing health insurance plan. If I had been uninsured I’d have been on the hook for the entire $10,000, which was one-third of my annual salary at that point.

      2. I don’t think that’s true that you have to have a safety net or a nest egg to go pursue those dreams. I know plenty of people who aren’t in that position. If they fail, then they’re broke for a while. It’s not a death sentence. I am not personally willing to take that risk; I like my lifestyle too much. But I admire the people who are willing!

        1. I’m finally at a point where I can contemplate leaving the workforce for a year to pursue a (potentially lucrative) graduate degree. I’m 44. My 20s and 30s were a blur of working tons of hours and overtime in service jobs in order to stay housed, fed, have health insurance and save a bit so that some day, maybe, I could step off and go back to school. Like the other poster, I’ve been completely on my own since graduating high school. Giving up a mediocre but stable job is not something many of us have the luxury of doing and I feel unbelievably fortunate that I might (MIGHT) have the opportunity to do so.

          1. One of the few things that brings me contentment right now is that I can give my partner the financial freedom to go get the degree they really want. That ship sailed for me some time ago, but at least someone else gets a shot at their dream.

            Kudos to you for carving that path out for yourself! I hope it brings you happiness.

      3. I think I have done something of the sort of what OP describes, and I have no family safety net at all. If anything, my family will be coming to me one day needing support. I left a biglaw job with no job lined up. I planned to spend time with my daughter while I job searched. The pandemic hit right after that and so I waited a full year before starting my job search. I finally did get a new job working for the government making about half of what I made in biglaw. I am much, much happier and I put a huge premium on my own happiness and wellbeing during this one life I have to live. My husband, meanwhile, has always had the kind of balanced government job that I have now. He never chased the big money, but has always loved his job and had plenty of time for life outside of work. We are far, far from maximizing money alone, but I actually think we have found the maximization of (money+happiness), which is much more important to us.

        FWIW, I do not think this is a generational thing. I knew many of my friends’ parents growing up who made the same kind of decision (work life balance > max income).

        2. We are also a dual-federal pension family and while I have no dream of being rich and indulgent as a retiree, I’ll not that the pension plans are worth a ton in a 401k. Part of what makes the government salary both appealing and doable is it is not a mad dash to save for retirement in the same way it would be in the private sector. I sometimes worry that our pensions will implode, but I recognize that if that happens the rest of the dollar and market went with them.

    8. I’m in the group you are talking about, and this describes me pretty well. The Great Recession happened as I was leaving college. I saw companies pull job offers, lay off people who had killed themselves for their firms, and treat the people who still had jobs like garbage because the employees were “lucky to have a job.” I saw professionals see their dream homes go into foreclosure. Companies that existed forever shut down. I had a summer job at a financial institution in my home town during college and by my graduation it was POOF! Gone!

      I always knew that I was on my own. Wealth building was my main goal, and now I can do whatever I want. DH and I could stop working and be fine, but we are still enjoying the challenge of our careers so we are more than fine. No need for either of us to be miserable at work. My firm has a great culture and interesting work. If that culture changed? I’m out! No reason for me to stay.

      Also, people in HCOL really underestimate how far money can go in small/medium cities. My first house cost $150k, in a safe area with great public schools and a 30 minute commute downtown. And my husband and I each made six figures while we lived there. It was so, so easy to save and invest tons of cash with a cost of living like that.

    9. I’m 37, but my attitude was always that I wanted to work in Big Law in my 20s to set myself up for a future with more flexibility in my career. For me that looked like five years in Big Law followed by a move to small city for my husband’s career and a switch to a 9-5 non-law career that doesn’t pay very well but gives me a lot of time for my family, hobbies, volunteer work and self-care. And +1 to money goes a lot farther outside of major coastal cities. Our HHI is staggeringly low compared to many on this board, but we feel very wealthy. We own our home outright, contribute a lot to retirement and college savings, have everything we need and most of what we want, including (in non-Covid times) spending a pretty obscene amount of money on travel.

    10. young millennial here: my view is that there’s no point in living a life I don’t like because life is short and nothing is guaranteed.

      Employers have expected the same level of loyalty and the same high work expectations, but don’t hold up their end of the bargain. They don’t hesitate to lay off loyal employees, wages are stagnant and don’t keep up with inflation, pensions are gone, and benefits are diminished. Why would I work 60 hours a week at a job I don’t like, miss time with my family and friends, all to be laid off when I’m 50 and can’t find a way back into the workforce? I work in public health, worked exclusively on COVID including many, many 80+ hour weeks during COVID and I got a paycut in 2020.

      On the flip side – we’ve seen so much go wrong in our lives (the war in Afghanistan started when I was in 3rd grade, the ’08 recession, COVID + recession, the possibility of war in Europe) that I don’t want to put off enjoying my life until retirement – I might not even get there.

      Even if all of this was guaranteed, though, life is short and should be enjoyed and if being a lawyer by the beach in the Carolinas makes you happier than the Big Law grind in NYC (and for me, it would!) why WOULDNT you do that? I purposely chose a career I was passionate about that didn’t pay much (public health) and I wouldn’t change that decision for the world. I live in a city I like because my family and friends are here, but if I didn’t care so much about living near loved ones I would absolutely be doing public health in a beach town (if those jobs exist…)

      1. Amen to all of this. The number of “once in a lifetime” events I’ve lived through at age 33 is way too high.

    11. I’m a late-stage GenXer, and I feel like there are a fair number of people in my age group/circle who deliberately chose things that were less $$$$ or less prestige after going to BigLaw or consulting or whatever in their twenties. But we didn’t really have the kind of online platforms where people could show you the view from their new place in rural Oregon or whatever. Also plenty of my friends kind of bounced around doing stuff that was cool or fun or prestigious for a decade after college, then went back to school for a practical or technical qualification that would mean better money.

      Also (hot take incoming), I don’t think that people of *any* generation are as thoughtful or financially savvy as they claim to be in public or even with family. I have friends with three kids who don’t have life insurance because they don’t feel like paying a premium and “we’d just sell the house and move in with family.” My in-laws have several pieces of real estate that are huge drains on their finances and time, but they think they are building and empire that will be passed on to their grandchildren. I know someone who is using a home equity loan to pay for private junior high school when their kid would probably be fine at the local public. It’s kind of like how all nannies on the internet are paid on the books.

  19. Tips for where to stay and what to do in Chicago later this month? Not into traditionally touristy things. Love architecture, good food and craft cocktails, antiques, exploring neighborhoods, being outdoors…

    1. This is certainly very touristy but if you love architecture I would do the architecture tour. Consider it! The other things you do can be less touristy.

    2. Not a great time for Chicago weather-wise, but rent bikes and ride along the lakefront, do the architecture boat tour if it’s available that time of year. Brunch at Xoco, a Mexican breakfast/lunch place with terrific churros.

    5. And since it will still be chilly I’m trying to think of fun places to warm up… I used to go to the various arboretum greenhouses in the winter and walk around and look at cacti, so that’s an option. Oh! And there is good ramen right by the Damen blue line stop, if it’s still there.

    6. We are starting to see some warmer days so hopefully you have great weather.

      Restaurants
      – any BOKA restaurant group
      – Tanta
      – Sun Wah BBQ (duck)
      – Riccardo Trattoria (favorite Italian)
      – Monteverde (modern Italian)
      – Pequod’s (for deep dish)
      – Crisp (fried chicken)
      – Time Out Chicago market
      – Claudia ($$$)
      – basically anything on Eater 38
      – Beatrix (brunch)
      – Good Ambler (coffee/pastries/light bf & lunch)

      Bars/Cocktails:
      – second recommendation for Cindy’s
      – Pigtail
      – Violet Hour
      – iO for rooftop / views if it is a nice night

      Things to do (that haven’t been mentioned):
      – run along lakeview path
      – run along 606 trail
      – rent electric boat and navigate river
      – Steppenwolf play
      – Music Box theater showing
      – visit Robie House (i.e., Frank Lloyd Wright house in Hyde Park)
      – Chicago Magic Lounge (never been, but friends l-o-v-e it)

  20. My MIL is a very bright (she got a PhD in math in 1969!) southern lady who, despite having her own career* for many years, is extremely passive and, well, whatever the opposite of take-charge is.

    DH, her only child, married me, a fast talking new yorker who is extremely direct- to a fault, I’m sure. We’ve been married a long time and the older I get the more striking the difference is. I have to ask DH to translate what his mom says, not because I can’t hear the words she is saying, but because I have no earthly idea if “y’all go on ahead without me” means “go on ahead without me” or “I’d like you to stay back here and keep me company while I finish getting ready but I don’t want to say anything and be a bother so I’ll just sit around until you get back.” And then, if it’s the latter, does she actually not care, or would she prefer we circle back and stay with her? Because I don’t care either way but I do need to know!

    That’s just an example. The real trouble is how to handle this as she ages. FIL has mild dementia and she seems incapable of taking charge of things in his place. This is all DH’s problem, but I’m very much entangled in it as it will require decision making and swift action, two things that DH and his mother are not great at. There is also some talk of his mom moving closer to us, but it’s so buried in pleasantries that I have no idea if she actually wants to do this or not. if she does, we need to start Making Decisions (sell their house, find them a place near us, get new docs, etc etc). If she’s just wishing aloud, we can continue to ignore it for a while and then swoop in and take charge and make all the hard decisions.

    Not sure what I’m asking for here, just venting that aging parents are hard, and even harder when you don’t understand what they are asking for!

    *she was extremely underpaid compared to her male counterparts and it’s one of the only things I’ve ever heard her complain about– but of course she never said or did anything about it.

    1. I’m a take-charge lawyer from the Acela Corridor who married a very nice Midwestern man with very nice Midwestern relatives and very nice Midwestern colleagues. So much commiseration.

      1. much commiseration from me, too! So many circular conversations that could be solved with directness, but aren’t.

      2. Chuckling over here as the Midwesterner married to the New England man. My mom and I frequently mystify my mother in law by apologizing for things she didn’t even notice.

      3. my whole family is from the Acela Corridor, but my dad’s mom was from the country and thus raised her daughters to be much nicer/meek than my mom’s side of the family where we are direct to a fault. As a results, my aunts are intimidated by my mom. My one aunt is extremely problematic for other reasons, and having the intimidation factor is actually very, very helpful

    2. I’m there with you, right down to FIL with dementia, but I’m also 10 years ahead of you (my FIL passed about 5 years ago). My only real advice to you is that you just have to really, really change your mindset, and let them carry on as is. I tried to apply my trademark take charge/fix it attitude that I apply to most every area of my life to his family, and it was just — not helpful in this situation. Yes, it feels like these Major Decisions need to be Discussed and Planned For, but in real life, these kind of decisions get made all the time at the last minute without grand plans. Yes, you may periodically get frustrated that something could have been solved years earlier with a cheaper or better option, but it just didn’t – and if they are okay with it, it just gets to not be your issue. It’s honestly easier than setting out grand plans that get ignored. If your husband isn’t asking you to take over decisions, don’t. If he just wants to vent and be sad, let him without trying to fix it. You are working against years of family dynamics that were in place before you, and decisions that are seeped in emotional hardship.

      Once I let go of trying to fix/plan this family, it was far easier to just relax and take them as is. For the passive stuff, I would just take her at face value, and honestly, again, not worry if there is some subtext you are missing. If there is, presumably your husband will alert you to it, or if you genuinely just rise above it, you won’t be worried you are crossing some invisible line.

      1. I tend to land here. Family dynamics settle the way they do based on decades of relational detritus and context that nobody who marries in can ever quite be privy to in the same way, no matter how much you are loved and welcomed in or how long it’s been. I’d let your husband take the lead – or not. He knows his mom. You can tell him you’re happy to do the research, bring him some options, help him work through what he wants to do, but don’t mention it besides one intentional conversation to let him know you’re there for him and the ways you’re prepared to help.

        However, I’d also take a page from 1:05’s book. If she wants you to understand a hidden meaning, well, she’s gotta say the quiet part out loud. If she says, “Y’all go on ahead without me,” you say, “OK, if that’s what you want then that’s what I’ll do! See you when you catch up.” You are not obligated to ferret out these hidden meanings. She is an adult and can communicate her needs and wants.

      2. This is so funny, because my siblings and I trying to fix my parents and I’m running into this issue- so it’s not cultural, just a mindset. They are avoiding Major Decisions that need to Be Discussed and Planned For….and they’re just content to lurch from crisis to crisis, and at some point there will be a Defining Crisis. They are 90yo, think they’re 60 and will live forever and will think about all that old people stuff in 10 years when they’re 70(100). It wouldn’t be so galling and we’d walk away except that they expect us five kids to always be there to pick up the pieces. And we five don’t want to abandon them but it’s hard not to. Dad almost died last week and is balking at signing a POA for when he is incapacitated. Mom has dementia and thinks it’s 2020. Lunacy.

        1. Oh wow. Eldercare is so hard, but sometimes the attitudes expressed here are very lacking in compassion. If your mother has dementia and doesn’t know what year it is, she probably isn’t trying to hurt her children, whom she presumably loves. Being incapable of thinking logically isn’t a “mindset” issue for someone with dementia.

          I’ve just noticed in a lot of these threads, people are very focused on what is going to be more convenient for them or what they think is the best way forward, completely ignoring that their parents are terrified of becoming dependent or dying and that aging people are adults who get to make bad decisions if they want (or, in this case, that they might not be capable of making decisions and that’s somehow the parent’s fault?).

          1. At some point, though, the aging person’s bad decisions result from diminished capacity and are not really free and informed choices. See, e.g., my MIL who insisted on remaining in her home without the 24-hour care she needed, resulting in her repeatedly lying in her own excrement for hours. When her kids stepped in and insisted she move to memory care, her quality of life improved immensely. She was always clean and well nourished, moved around more, and interacted with people.

          2. Right— that’s what I’m saying above. The woman with dementia in this situation isn’t being purposefully obstinate. Maybe I could have worded my comment better to say that competent adults get to make their own (bad or different) decisions, until they’re not competent and then we should try to extend some grace. I understand the line can be blurry at certain points— my father had dementia and one cousin and I split his elder care.

            Your concern is obviously a safety and quality of life one for a person who couldn’t make decisions. There are many many posts here about knowing what is best for my parents and they won’t do what I say, even though the post says nothing about capacity issues. I also assume you weren’t saying that your mom was just being stubborn, etc., when she was mentally incapacitated.

          3. Wow, that’s a harsh way of looking at the 2000 hours I’ve put in over the past five years helping them, driving them, cooking for them, taking them to the doctor and ER – not to mention what my siblings have done. If they could take care of themselves, we wouldn’t be in this position.

            I’m definitely not lacking in compassion, though it is being used up. And I’m certainly not looking for “convenience” – if I was, I’d stop helping them at all. Mom’s dementia has been a long time coming, but when she was still with it in 2020 she engaged in the same magical thinking that my dad is now: They don’t need help, want to live as hoarders, don’t need to plan for a future where they needs more help. Regarding the POA, if he doesn’t sign it and -since mom is already incapacitated- when he has a stroke or goes into a coma, we’ll have to go to a judge to get a court order to pay their bills, to keep mom alive and cared for. That is inexcusable.

            And yes, they are terrified of dying. I know that, my siblings know that. I’m terrified of dying. But what my dad is doing is making my mom suffer – and it is my dad’s fault now. She’s sitting in dirty wet diapers, getting skin infections and UTIs, sitting in front of the TV all day while he refuses to get anyone to help her shower and change her diapers. He’s eating fast food daily that will cause his kidney failure to get worse and need dialysis. He falls and she falls and they hit their heads and refuse to wear the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up pendant” so they sit on the floor together for 4 hours before getting the strength to crawl to the phone. Or they fall in the middle of the street in front of their condo, in the dark, having forgotten to charge the cell phone and are waiving a white handkerchief so that cars won’t hit them. These are all true things that have happened in the last six months. Dad nearly died two weeks ago after hitting his head twice in two weeks and having a brain bleed – caused by falling asleep sitting up. And he won’t wear his cpap, so he’s tired and falls asleep sitting in the car but won’t give up driving. Just this week, his doctor told him that he can no longer drive. We’ll see what happens.

            So, no, it’s not compassion that I lack.

          4. I’m sorry you’re going through that, Coach Laura, and you sound like you’re doing the best you can for your parents in a hard situation. I was only responding to what you’d written above (and partially to the OP on this thread and informed by some other threads from the past few days here). Clearly there was more to the story, so I apologize.

      3. I was the spouse supporting her husband through elder care issues and mostly agree with this. As a daughter-in-law you can’t swoop in and fix things or force anyone to plan, even when they are obviously causing themselves trouble. On a couple of occasions, though, I did push my husband and his siblings to actually do the things they had decided to do. Example: All four had acknowledged that they urgently needed to go and clean out the house and get it listed for sale. They dilly-dallied on setting a date, with the clock on the reverse mortgage ticking. My husband was super stressed knowing that it had to be done but having no concrete plan. My SILs and I corralled the four of them and told them they were not leaving my living room until they set a date. Once they agreed on a date, I immediately bought my husband a plane ticket. That forced the others to make their own travel arrangements.

    3. “Susan, you know I love you. I WANT to be here for you as Bob’s condition worsens and whenever you need help. But I honest to goodness don’t speak the same way you do, so will you please be super direct with me? Our time together is too important to be marred by misunderstandings, and I don’t always understand when you politely beat around the bush, because that’s just not what I grew up with! So could you please be blunt with me whenever necessary, even if it maybe feels uncomfortable with you? I love you and am here for you. And I’ll do my best to make communication between us as clear as possible.”

      1. This, and remind her that you take her at face value when she tells you to go on without her. If you think she is being indirect, remind her in the moment that you love her and are taking her at face value so if she is keeping it in out of ingrained Midwest Nice habits, she has the opportunity to be direct.

      2. I am the Anon above you, and having had this MIL for years, I really and truly believe she doesn’t KNOW she isn’t being direct. This statement would confuse the ever loving snot out of my very southern MIL. She would respond with “bless your heart,” not change her behavior, but spend hours analyzing this statement with her daughter out of earshot with me. I can say with certainty that it wouldn’t change her behavior one bit. Honestly, the best path forward is to change how you react/what you expect from your MIL. In the “go on ahead” example, just pick what suits you better, and let MIL know “Okay, great. We are leaving now. Give me a call if you need a ride later.” It’s best done if you really stop trying to dissect what she wants, and just proceed as usual, taking her at face value.

        1. I’m the OP, and this, exactly. I’ve been married to DH a long time and I’ve known him and his parents for two decades.

          MIL has gotten more passive as she ages- it’s sort of a weird resignation + helplessness + I don’t know what else.

          I’ve done the “stay out, it’s not your business” thing for most of our marriage. We are beyond that now; MIL and FIL have nobody left but me and DH. DH and I have talked and he wants us to be a team managing them/the situation. He knows how frustrating she is, and she honest to goodness doesn’t understand. I think what she really wants is to be told what to do and have us take things over, but that seems like such a huge imposition.

          1. A huge imposition on her, or on you?

            If she really wants someone to take over, why doesn’t your husband try it? Instead of “when are you finally going to get a POA?” it’s “Mom, I’ve made an appointment with an attorney for you to go over your paperwork. I will help you put together the materials you need to bring.” And see how she reacts.

      3. I don’t know. I think sitting her down and telling her to express herself differently when she’s spent her whole life communicating this way (in fact, she probably would have been socially punished if she had NOT communicated this way), and while she’s in the middle of an incredibly stressful situation (facing her own aging, plus dealing with the decline of a beloved spouse) is probably not going to yield the result the OP wants and would very easily end in hurt feelings.

        I view this situation almost like a person going to a foreign country. You have the responsibility to figure out how to communicate with people on their “home turf.” Sometimes that means the people in the country already speak your language, sometimes it means you have to learn theirs, and sometimes it means you get through the best you can with hand gestures and interpreters. It’s not really fair for an English speaker to go to a Spanish-speaking country and say, “Hi so I’ve spoken English my whole life and I don’t understand you, so learn English to communicate with me.”

        I’d ask very lovingly for clarification in the moment if it seems like she is not being as blunt as you’d like. In the moment, if she says, “Y’all go on without me,” I think you can say, “I love you and want to make sure you’re taken care of. I’m happy to wait, so let me know if that would work better for you.” After you’ve asked straight out, I think you can give yourself permission to take her at her word. Otherwise, I think you have to continue relying on your husband’s interpretation services and do the best you can. Unless they indicate they want you to, please please please don’t impose your swift and hard-charging decision making on them in this stressful time. I’d trust your husband that he knows the best way to deal with his family members.

        P.S. Your asterisk makes me wonder if you’re projecting some judgment her way and that’s making her uncomfortable in her communication patterns. This woman was not able to challenge the whole patriarchy when she apparently had a family to help support and a job she presumably enjoyed otherwise. It’s really unfair to expect her to have spoken up in that environment.

        1. No, actually, I’m saying that she hardly complains about *anything* but this is a subject that makes her very upset.

    4. Just on your asterisk. Cut your MIL a break. That was the patriarchy’s fault, not hers, and it’s very idealistic to think one woman could really do anything about it in the 1970s-1980s. She’d have just gotten fired.

      2. Yes, this. My mom is also a math PhD, a decade later than your MIL, and has a VERY assertive, some would even say abrasive, personality but was still severely underpaid for decades. The only thing that got her pay increased is that she eventually threatened to sue when she discovered in her 50s that as a full professor with hundreds of publications and lots of peer recognition she was being paid less than junior male professors straight out of their postdocs with no publication record to speak of. And even now after the threat of a lawsuit, her salary is nowhere near where it should be. The patriarchy sucks. This is not your MIL’s fault.

      3. I read it more as additional context to describe the way MIL is, not necessarily judgy.

          1. Same. The part in the footnote that led me to infer contempt was the “of course.”

          2. well, I reread it and would say you can see it either way, so why assume the worst about OP. I am probably biased because I have similar communication issues with my in-laws.

    5. My in-laws are lifelong Southerners and I also do not understand what they are saying. I have learned that 1) I have to let my husband handle family communications; and 2) you cannot fix this because they’re not broken, they just speak a different language. Honestly, just appreciate and enjoy them and have your husband handle communications and then translate to you. I’m sorry about the dementia and aging. This is really hard.

    6. The lack of directness is apparently, according to my therapist called ‘social intelligence’ because it gives the recipient the ability to interpret inoffensively. Personally it makes me want to just scream because I’m not a mind reader and I have no idea what vague sentences mean.

  21. That was our November last year, complete with long terrible colds and the worst norovirus I’ve ever had. All four of us had it in succession. At least it wasn’t covid. We called it the month of pestilence.

    Hope it gets better for you all soon!!! And so sorry about your dog’s passing.

  22. PAT MCGRATH LIPSTICK – I am so sorry, I forgot to post the shade I liked that is kind of a rose pink. The shade is Temptress! It’s a “lip shine,” but it is lipstick enough for my purposes.

      1. I’m so glad! I was also going to say it reminds me of my very very favorite lipstick since I was @ 18, the Shiseido Perfect Rouge, but I like the tube on the Pat McGrath a lot better. I tend to press really hard on lipsticks then end up breaking the lipstick part off of the applicator bottom.

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