This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Is this dress too much? Or is it just enough? Christopher John Rogers does some beautiful things with bright, solid colors (this blue wool coat is absolutely gorgeous), but this dress has all the colors. And I couldn’t be happier about it. It probably won’t fly in a stuffier corporate setting, but I think it would be a hit in more creative spaces.
The dress is $925 at NET-A-PORTER and comes in sizes XS–XL.
If a rainbow dress is more than you can handle right now, this striped wool sweater has a similar feeling but isn’t quite as in-your-face.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Anonymous
How do I increase my odds of getting a federal gov’t legal job? (Non-prosecution, non-trial attorney.) I’m applying blind not knowing hiring managers, in my flyover state. I meet all the stated qualifications, usually beating the years of experience requirements by 3-10 years. I’ve seen prior posts on this board that it’s extremely difficult and am curious how I can up my chances.
Anon
I wondered this when I worked IN DC. A friend said that postings are largely a formality and often there is someone identified for the job already. Maybe? But that can’t be the case with every job?
FWIW, I had good qualifications and experience and was willing to take a substantial pay cut (and had made housing choices I could live on with a GS-12 salary at the first step, which was starting for that sort of job). Still waiting for that call back years later. And that sort of job posting has never been taken down so IDK truly. It was depressing.
Anon
My knowledge is primarily restricted to AUSA gigs, so may not be as applicable to you, but like so many other jobs, it helps to know someone, though perhaps less so than some other jobs like in house. I got my foot in the door through a fellow law clerk for my judge who submitted my app for me, and I know many other people who got their jobs similarly. That said, most people I know applied multiple times to get their position. Are you networking actively to meet people who might have ties to that office?
Anon
Try for the jobs where you’re closer to the YOE states, I pass regularly on people who are mismatched to the level I’m seeking.
Ellen
Now that I am considering what to do for the next 40 years, I am looking at jobs that are meaningful, if not financially lucrative enough, and the only Federal jobs that my Dad thinks I should go for are in the Federal Courts as a Judge, and/or a Cabinet level positions– if not at the Secretarial level,then as an Undersecretary, as long as I am given the opportunity to make a difference. The sad thing is that they only pay about $225K/year, which is going to be a big sacrafice for me. So, now Dad wants to put me into touch with his friend at the joint Chiefs of Staff office for a position at the Pentagon, but I am queezy about doint stuff that is milatary in nature. I told him i would be batter off in the Department of Labor, since it is closer to what I do now. If anyone has any solid ideas for me, let me know.
In-House Anon
I don’t know if this advice still applies or not, but in the past I’ve heard that your resume should use as many words from the job description as possible. My mother, a worldwide expert in her field, held a federal govt (non-legal) job for 30 years but periodically had to reapply for her position. The last time she had to reapply, her resume didn’t make it past the agency’s HR screening process and she was sent a form email telling her she did not meet the qualifications for the job. Her own job. That she had done for 25+ years as The Expert in her field. It got sorted out, of course, but good grief.
Anon
I feel like B4 is like this also. The person / bot doing the first initial passes is so removed from any knowledge about the job needing to be filled that they are not able to make a good decision, so it’s dumb luck and sub-optimal decisions.
Anon
This is not as much of a thing for law jobs. IME, federal legal jobs are not generally screened by HR since competitive hiring procedures don’t apple. For most federal attorney jobs, the first screen is done by a team of attorneys
Anon
This is bad advice as it relates to my agency. First screen is done by non-attorney HR and you really do need all of the posting words in your resume.
anon a mouse
What’s your field? Your best bet is to have done some work that’s directly applicable to the agency’s mission, either through private representation, nonprofit, or state work.
I work at a financial regulator and we had more than 400 applications for our last attorney opening. It went to someone who had worked at another regulator plus had worked in-house for a combined 12 years experience (the posting required 7+).
Anon
It is a crap shoot. I applied many times to my local USAO (no connections) and never got any interest. I randomly applied to the USAO in a neighboring state (again, no connections) and got the job. If you really want to be a fed, you may have to be flexible in terms of geography and be persistent. Once you are a fed, it is much easier to get a job with another agency. I did this to transfer back to my original state.
Anonymous
Try and figure out what jobs have definite staffing needs: not a priority in the last admin and is now? Bunch of new funding on this topic? Great! You’re not applying to a job that has 1 opening every 3 years and 50 people waiting in the wings.
Build a federal resume. They are insanely, painfully detailed. Honestly I applied with my regular resume, but the fed one was helpful to have.
Make sure you tailor your resume and cover letter to the specific jobs.
Check the agency specific sites. DOJ doesn’t post everything on USAJobs for instance. Sounds like you’re looking for an Attorney Advisor job. Search USAJobs for 0905.
Remote, high GS jobs are hard to get. Are you willing to come to DC or find fed jobs in your area?
Not op
Marry someone in the military.
Anon
Military preference does not apply to attorney jobs
Anon
It’s kind of pure luck. I worked in biglaw in DC, so know dozen of law firm associates who have moved to the federal government. Most did not know anyone In the agency before they got the offer, and I got hired for my two governments without any personal connections.
Things that I’ve seen that help. You have significantly more luck if it’s the kind of agency that hires 4 or more people a year, but those tend to be litigation or enforcement positions. It’s extremely hard when it’s an agency with no turn over that only hires someone every few years. Similarly, it is easy when it’s the kind of position that many people hold instead of the sole expert on topic x at the agency. Significant experience in that legal area, or it being an agency that just doesn’t have many people who practice that area of law outside the government, also helps. I’ve never heard of anyone being hired at SEC without relevant biglaw experience, for example. Have a good explanation for why you want to go into that role and the government, not just wanting to get away from a firm.
Attorney jobs are exempt from federal hiring preferences, so most of the general advice for getting a job in the government isn’t relevant. I’ve seen the traditional long federal resumes significantly backfire. If the hiring panel is a bunch of attorneys who only hire attorneys, they can judge a resume that looks like you have no ability to judge what is relevant. But that also means that it’s possible to get a job without being a veteran.
You mentioned that you don’t live in DC. Are you looking for jobs in DC? I would make it clear that you are excited to move to the city. If you are looking for fed jobs elsewhere, I don’t have experience but think that connections are more important.
Jennifer
It´s way to much for my office.
I can get away with a small stripe in a blouse of skirt, but not more.
London (formerly NY) CPA
Yeah I’m firmly in the “this is way too much” camp.
Runcible Spoon
It’s too much. Looks like a cabana beach towel.
Anon
I had only read the headline and it never occurred to me that the question related to the possibility of wearing this to the office. Cabana, maybe.
Anon
I thought it was April First… even the sweater is way too much.
Cb
Oh I love the sweater but fuzzy wool just sounds like a pill-fest to me.
Waffles
This is far too much for me.. at the office, on the weekend, and anywhere else. Maybe as a beach cover-up but there is no way I’m spending $900 on a beach cover up.
anon
It’s way too much for any office!
anon
I would wear this to my big law office!
Anonymous
It has Terry cloth in it!
Anonymous
You really shouldn’t.
Anonymous
It’s simultaneously too much and I love it.
Fran Fine would have worn it on the Nanny!
anonshmanon
I was thinking the same – she would have worn it a size smaller!
Gail the Goldfish
It makes me think of Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat, so I’m going with too much, unless your office is a Broadway theater.
Anonymous
Oh yes. It was red and yellow and green and brown and…
Anonymous
Does it have a golden lining?
Anom
Too much but my 7 yr old rainbow-loving daughter would love it for her mama!
Senior Attorney
OMG I am a sucker for a rainbow stripe and I love both the dress and the sweater. Unfortunately the dress would probably be more than floor length on me. But if it would fit my body and my budget, I would buy it for my upcoming Greek Islands vacation for sure!!
Anon
It’s way too much for any occasion for me.
Anonymous
It just needs a few accessories: Really oversized white shows, a red nose, and a red frizzy wig. Maybe a little tiny car also.
Anon
Oversized white shoes is so mid. They should be red.
Anon
Oversized white shoes is so mid. They should be red.
Anon
I kind of love this, but as a $50 beach cover up, not a $900+ dress.
Anon
And if it is a cover-up, I want to be able to have all the margaritas and nibbles without needing spank to keep with the sleekness of my outfit. Needs to be a caftan shape for my caftan shape.
AIMS
If I was going to do a $900 rainbow stripe dress, I would get this one:
https://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/p/akris-punto-stripe-detail-wool-midi-dress-prod174420170?utm_source=google_shopping&ecid=BGCS_GP_CV_HA_PR_NONE&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI2de2rrL3_gIVD_3jBx3C8A4wEAQYBSABEgJ79PD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
Anon
That is stripes done right.
Anon
I think only a model could carry this off though.
Anon
I actually like the featured one more! But I don’t have $900 to spend on a dress either way.
anon
+1
Anon
+100. Love that one.
Anon
Yeah, if I could get this for under $100 I might think about it to wear to our club pool on the weekends as a cover-up for when I’m lounging poolside sipping a drink and reading a book. I’m struggling to how this would fit into any professional context. When I go into the office, our work environment is extremely casual dress and this would still come across as way too casual for workwear. People would probably ask if I had just come from the pool, lol.
Anxious
Anyone want to share pearls of wisdom for dealing with anxiety spirals/panic attacks? I’ve suffered from anxiety for many years, so you’d think I’d have it figured out by now, but I don’t. I’m on an SSRI, but I’ve been having breakthrough anxiety for the last week, mostly related to a very public mistake I made at work. I haven’t slept well in days because of it, but last night was the absolute worst.
Anon
It can be so tough – so I hope you give yourself some grace while you work through this period. When it gets pretty bad, I do go back and see my therapist. Making a mistake at work sucks. I try to tell myself, ‘will this matter in 10 days, 10 months, or 10 years’? Usually the answer is (especially by the 10 months mark) that it simply won’t matter.
It can also help me to make a list of all the good stuff that I do! (Honestly, when the spiral is bad enough my husband helps with this because I can’t see anything good I do). I would bet that you’re a good partner, sibling, friend, co-worker, etc and that this mistake is an aberration – not the rule. We’re human, we make mistakes, and it’ll be OK.
*Hugs* from an internet stranger
anon
I’m so sorry. Can you meet with your therapist or prescriber to discuss how to manage this?
Not at all as a replacement for professional advice, but for more general skill development—I listen to the podcast Flusterclux, ostensibly to learn to teach my children emotional management. However, my own worry has gone way down using what I’ve learned.
Anon
I’m not trying to be one of those people who say running cures depression but I truly find a hard workout to be beneficial for my mental health. I generally stick with yoga and running and some barre type workout. I’m only saying this because I find it so helpful and hope others can too. I still battle anxiety and depression but working out does help tremendously.
anon
I have found the same. And a brisk walk doesn’t cut it. It needs to be a hard workout that gets my heart pounding. Preferably 3 times a week. I had a cold last week and felt miserable and skipped my hard workouts. Well, not surprisingly, I noticed this morning that my anxiety was higher than normal again.
I will never quit my SSRI, btw, so don’t get mad at me. I’m just saying that hard exercise is a good supplement for improved mental health.
Anon
When I do a really hard workout, I feel like I’m physically struggling and in a little bit of pain to be honest so my brain kind of shuts off. It’s like a mini vacation for my brain in terms of anxiety. I also love the community aspect of being a regular at my yoga studio where all the front desk people know my name when I check in.
Ribena
Yes me too – in conjunction with SSRIs (one of the cues to start SSRIs was when I was doing all the workouts and the healthy eating and still really struggling). I’m doing a mixture of lifting, treadmill strut workouts, and ballet classes.
Anonymous
Write down all of the emotions that you are feeling about this experience in the following format as a list: I feel blank. I feel blank. Look for words like shame, grief, embarrassed. When you bring the emotions to light, they usually move on. At some point in your list, you won’t feel anxiety anymore and you will hit on the right emotion you needed to express.
-lifelong anxiety disorder person
Anon
Ughhh — I have been where you are, so I totally understand. If I’m having an active panic attack, the thing that works for me is getting an ice pack and putting it on my wrists and chest and sometimes my forehead. Splashing my face with cold water helps as well. I then lie down and do a body scan meditation (I love the Calm app for this). If I can’t lie down, then I sit as still as possible and focus on box breathing (in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4).
When my anxiety flares really badly, one important thing I’ve learned is not to push through it. I sit with the feelings and really feel them. That’s the only way I’ve found to get it to pass. I also think about why I’m having the feelings (similar to what the poster above said to write the list of all your feelings). For a spiral, I’ll think, “Okay, then what?” until I can’t go any further. I’ll look at the list of horrible things I’ve come up with and make a plan for those that are possible to plan for and honestly assess those that are not. By honestly assess, I mean check against the facts– the actual objective facts. I have health anxiety, so my checking the facts might be “My throat will swell closed and I’ll die. Okay, there is an ER very close. My face is not turning red. I’ve been stung by a bee before and have never had a reaction.” Etc.
Longterm, I’m not sure if you’re in therapy? I can honestly say that DBT has changed my life for the better. It has taught me how to experience my emotions, like anxiety, without them taking over my life and completely overwhelming me. I’ve built a “toolbox” with lots of strategies to keep the anxiety from creeping in and then for dealing with it when it does. I’d highly recommend looking into it.
Anon
Working my body to the point of exhaustion (running) makes a huge, huge difference in my anxiety. I give a hard 5k run a 9/10 on reducing anxiety. But in my case I really do need to run at least 30 minutes to feel any better – the longer the better.
Some of my other coping mechanisms and how I would rate them: mindlessly cooking a meal or mindlessly cleaning 4/10, Taking a walk 5/10, dancing to 80s top of the charts in headphones 5/10, deep box breathing 5/10, watching 10 Things I Hate About You or another personal favorite movie 6/10, being by moving water (esp the ocean, but a river works) 6/10. Remembering I have gotten through all of my hardest days doesn’t help the physical symptoms at all but is mentally reassuring.
Anon
There are some exercises for completing the stress cycle that may be useful to get closure from the episode you’re focused on. Visualizing it while pushing on a wall (basically a plank) is one. I think hard exercise also. These obviously aren’t a sub for mental health care but can be good complement.
Anonymous
Many hugs. So sorry you are going through this. Try playing some really fun music and running around a local HS track as fast as you can or max out at the gym. I find hard physical activity combined with great music in my earbuds feeds my endorphins. Also try to remember that most people will have already forgotten. Everyone is so busy thinking about themselves and what people think of them, They are not thinking about you. Hang in there.
eertmeert
https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1684034833/ref=asc_df_1684034833
This book was immensely helpful to me. I had read through the chapters that applied to me, and then ended up pulling it out in the middle of a panic attack at home. It helped soothe me and I’ve been able to better manage my emotions. Meditation apps – especially by Glenn Harrold, his voice is so soothing – helped alot. I used them daily for awhile. https://www.youtube.com/@GlennHarrold
Good luck. As Glenn says and I badly paraphrase: “our brain is designed to think, and thoughts are perfectly natural. But we can go beyond the thoughts to a place of comfort and relazation”
Anon
I’m so sorry. I struggled through years of CBT to little effect. ACT was so much better. I recommend Steven C Hayes’ book – A Liberated Mind: How to Pivot Towards What Matters and working with a ACT-trained therapist.
Cb
I love a rainbow stripe (gap Christmas style) but this is too much.
Anon
I am in a Tuckernuck buy sell trade group on FB and I’m amazed at how some people change over their closet annually or so. It is fascinating for rich suburban mom style insights though. I am a suburban mom but an angry New Yorker, so mainly in Moira Rose attire or looking like an office goth. Only branched out when I had to christen my baby and didn’t want to look like I was in mourning on a happy occasion.
Anonymous
Do rich people really bother to sell their clothes, or do they just use them as their required donation to the Junior League rummage sale? Reselling stuff is a lot of work and doesn’t always pay off very well.
anon
You are correct. It’s donated to Goodwill or a thrift shop that supports a charity. Maybe an actual consignment store where you drop things off and they handle it. Dealing with resale sites or (G*d forbid) some kind of Facebook group is too much hassle.
Cb
I think my closet changes pretty frequently because I don’t have tons of clothes AND I am really hard on the ones I do have? So I’ve got 3 sweaters, 3 pairs of leggings, etc and buy new ones once the others can’t be mended/are unfit for public wearing.
My work clothes last longer, but they live in another city most of the time so they are protected from kid grime, cat fur, etc.
Anon
That makes sense though, if you’re only wearing 3 sweaters on rotation they’re going to get worn out really quickly from constant washing and wearing.
Anon
I don’t have a massive wardrobe (certainly not buying a new wardrobe each season!) but how do you not get bored with such a small wardrobe? And how often do you do laundry?
Cb
I guess my life is pretty simple when I’m at home. I cycle my kid to and from school, meet a friend for coffee, WFH all day (with very few meetings – academia), take a long walk, work in the garden. So my clothes are practical given the amount of mud I encounter on a day-to-day basis. Most of the time, I’m wearing a jacket?
We do a lot of laundry but that’s a product of tiny European washing machines?
Anon
I’m similar to Cb and what I realized is that each season I have a few favorites that I wear constantly regardless of how much is in my closet. By the time I get bored of them, they are worn out and get replaced. I work full time in office, so it’s 5 days a week of work clothes (6-7 outfits-worth) and 2-4 outfits of weekend clothes, per season. I end up buying 2-3 work items and 2-3 non-work items per season to replace things. So each week I wear 1/2-2/3 of my wardrobe. I have a few additional items for special occasions, but 2-3 day-dresses and 2-3 fancy evening event outfits do the trick. I don’t wear them very often so I’m not bored of them.
I also have had the same basic style since high school, just the silhouettes change. Winter is jeans and sweaters, summer is dresses, everything is black, white/cream, gray, olive or denim. Mostly everlane, madewell, or muji. Work is black pants or suits with black or white/cream tops, or black dresses. Mostly theory and mm lafleur. When I was younger I tried to “branch out” and “wear colors” and I never felt like myself or never wore those items, so I stopped bothering. I also don’t do the capsule wardrobe everything-must-go-with-everything-else thing. I just have, for example, two sweaters that go with this pair of jeans and boots, and that’s two outfits. Then another two sweaters that go with a second pair of jeans and the same or different boots, and that’s another two outfits.
For laundry — I wear undershirts under everything 3/4 of the year so I only wash things every 3-4 wears (and never put anything in the dryer).
I have a whole separate “wardrobe” of around the house clothes — (3) leggings/sweatpants, shorts, (6) Ts, and (2) sweatshirts. I wear those to walk the kid to school and to work from home (rare for me) or lounging around on evenings and weekends, so what I list above is just “leaving the house” clothes. I think changing as soon as I get home keeps me comfier and makes my “outside” clothes last longer.
I do laundry once a week and most of it is under-things, house clothes, and a few items from my “outside” wardrobe.
Anon
It sounds like your clothes are worn out though and not suitable for re-use (the stuff Goodwill tosses) — BST groups are mainly for a closet refresh of new and barely worn items in useable condition. Often times the write-ups show a life of an engaged woman, lot of leading-up-to-the-wedding items, and then a lot doesn’t work post-baby. And I’m glad that some people embrace getting rid of items that don’t work vs waiting years, if ever, to change size just to wear items you now don’t like, but I can help them part with some items and if they don’t work for me, it’s not a huge investment (but I try to stick to flowy shifts vs stuff that is very tailored).
Anon
My sister does this. She keeps very little from year to year. It always amazes me when she talks about what she is getting rid of and what replacement pieces she needs.
Anon
I know my shape enough to know what a $50 resale dress will be OK on me. Still not sure who it could be obvious to that I am in a prior vs current year rufflepuff dress (mainly for church or some PTA events).
Anon
My own mom is not a rich suburban mom, but she gets rid of her clothes constantly even after only wearing something once. It drives me crazy. She says she just gets tired of her clothes, and then complains she has nothing to wear.
anon
My own mom is not a rich suburban mom, but she gets rid of her clothes constantly even after only wearing something once. It drives me crazy. She says she just gets tired of her clothes, and then complains she has nothing to wear.
Anonymous
My most well dressed friend once explained that for him, it’s a hobby. It’s not a chore for a person like that to replace a wardrobe, it’s fun and it’s money he budgets for and doesn’t mind paying. He enjoys shopping and going to the tailor and researching new brand and styles. People are a little more judgmental than if you were a golfer or owned a boat or whatever but I think we should let people have their hobbies.
I think the original goal of this *place* was to help professional women who didn’t necessarily love clothes find professional workwear. There’s a reason the commentary leans more toward practical than fashionistas.
Anon
IMHO if you need to turn over 75% of your wardrobe each year then your clothes are too trendy. When someone wears up to the minute trends head to toe it looks tacky in person.
anon
I tend to agree with this. I cull my closet every year, but I’m mainly taking out the pieces that are worn out, ill fitting, or the occasional trend item I ended up not loving. It would be insanely time consuming and expensive to replace my wardrobe every year!
Anon
Agreed
Anon
It doesn’t sound like these people NEED to turn over their closets, just that they enjoy doing so. Plus if they like the clothes they have and they can afford it, the wardrobe isn’t “too trendy.”
Anon
I find that extremely wasteful. It isn’t acceptable to go on that way in this day and age, especially when child laborers in Bangladesh are working their fingers to the bone to produce the goods. It should be OK to speak out against some practices and not always default to “good for you, not for me.”
Monday
Totally agree with this, and I am part of the problem. It’s helpful to affirm that we really do need to stop.
anon
We do. At some point, most of us adopted this mentality of needing variety, whether in silhouette, colors, number of outfits, etc. I count myself in this category. And the older I get, the more I wonder what (or who) it’s all for. I will say that I tend to wear my clothes for quite a long time, but I always feel like I’m on the hunt for something, and it feels gross after awhile.
Monday
Well said. I get most of my clothes second-hand, but I still have too many and shop too often. I am also not comfortable with my turnover rate in shoes, as I buy shoes new.
Anonymous
This.
We need to be aware that there is a seriously high cost to all of this consumption, both human and environmental. Rana Plaza was ten years ago and nothing has really changed in the fashion industry.
I shop primarily second hand and keep my clothes for years, and I still understand that I’m part of the problem, because there are things that I buy new. I am also benefitting from the fact that someone bought my thrift store purchace new before donating it.
anon a mouse
There is a woman in my neighborhood moms group who regularly sells clothes. It’s not high-end designer but things like Madewell, Athleta, Rothys, etc. As best I can tell, she buys and then resells more in a single season than I have in my closet at any given time. It exhausts me to think about, but she probably always looks great.
Anon
I will bite. I get excited about new fall clothes (it’s always fall) when the lookbooks come out and try to take advantage of pre-season sales. I always buy a few new things for fall.
Lately I’ve been replacing all of my pants due to weight loss (30 lb since Sept – I was plus size and now am cusp) and if I manage to keep losing weight, I will donate these pants and buy some more. I am mostly buying second hand pants from eBay – I do not have the patience for thrift stores – and I have a pretty good hit ratio on fit so I don’t beat myself up if the occasional pair doesn’t work out. I’m a pretty regular donator to goodwill even when my size isn’t changing.
anon
I’m 34 and still have some pieces from high school (boot cut jeans, basic tees). I generally only get things that I can see myself wearing for many years, and it has generally worked out. It would be nice however to have a same sized friend or sister to trade clothes with when I want exposure to something new, but I don’t think adults do that anymore?
Anon
This was the best part of dorm living in college and being in a city with many college friends for my late 20s: shopping your closet + friends closets. So fun, saved a ton of $. Often better than actually going out.
Maybe in the Silver Living community in my future? But now done now. Should be. Isn’t that I’ve seen.
Anon
When I was new to the working world a handful of young women used to borrow each others clothes for the same purpose. It didn’t work out that well. Someone was always mad at someone for returning something not in the condition they borrowed it in. And then there was the whole laundering/dry cleaning thing.
Anonymous
I think it’s mostly a hobby or side thing for a lot of the people who resell clothing. Some of them buy clothes from thrift stores and post them online for more than they paid.
Anon
I often wondered if this was the case. I get the people clearing out a close of size S post-baby. But not cleaning out a closet of XS-XL.
Anon
Those kinds of resellers are regularly getting eviscerated on Twitter, but I am happy to pay someone $25 for a pair of pants she found for $5 by going to a bunch of thrift stores that I don’t want to go to!
Anon
I feel this way too: the resellers are saving me time and effort making the rounds at thrift stores, and I think it’s fine to pay them for their time and effort. I can get to a thrift store maybe once a month; I know some resellers go every day.
Anon
I loooove this dress and think it may be worth the price tag…but also that it likely requires a very tall, straight up and down figure given the way it’s cut and tailored. My 5’4” hourglass frame, in other words, is definitely not right for this.
Anon
Same. Wish I were taller and leaner.
Anon
I can do relate. I fell like it’s going to take tall and lean and with a certain presence to be wearing the dress instead of having it wear you.
Senior Attorney
Yes, I can just imagine my 8-inches-taller-20-pounds-lighter alter ego swanning around Santorini in this dress with a cocktail in her hand…
Anonymous
Follow-up from my post last week asking about Coach bags. I sincerely appreciate all of the feedback. So I’m looking to replace my workhorse small black crossbody bag that I’ve been using for the last 10 years. I’ve looked at Cuyana and Clare V but what else should I be considering? I already have a gray Lo and Sons Pearl that I really like but it’s a little big for what I’m looking for and a little simple. Max budget is $500. I honestly might still get the Coach Rogue 20 but I want to consider all the options.
Cerulean
I love Furla bags. Well made and no obvious logos.
Anon
It’s funny you mention Coach because I just bought a Coach crossbody bag that I’m super happy with even though I rarely wear Coach bags!
Anon
PomPom London has pebbled leather crossbodies that I’ve been eyeing. They look practical and have good compartments/pockets. That’s going to be my next purchase for a crossbody for sure.
Runcible Spoon
I love my Tumi cross-body, robust and weather-resistant, with chic gold zippers.
Anon
Leatherology!
Anonymous
The garish vertical stripes are reminiscent of Hot Dog on a Stick uniforms of the early 1990s.
Anonymous
It’s all I can see
Anon
Omg yes! That’s it! Haha where’s the hat?
Anon
This looks like a beach towel worn as a dress.
Runcible Spoon
Excatly. MAYBE as a cover up, but it’s rather clownish.
Anon
Would you take a job offer if you have learned that the hiring manager is leaving?I had a good rapport with the HM in the interviews, though my concern is not that I’d lose that rapport (as it’s hard to tell in an interview, anyway).
My two concerns are:
1. Not knowing who the manager will be. This start date will be before the new manager is hired, so I would likely be signing on for a job not knowing the manager. There’s definitely a “bro culture” faction of our field, and I would not want to work for a bro manager (been there, done that, hated it).
2. Likely starting the job after the current manager has left / before the new manager starts and thus having very limited guidance / training / on boarding in the position. It’s a really small team (manager, 1 woman on mat leave, and this position they’re hiring for) so I would likely be flying solo for a while. I was onboarded /trained for my current job remotely during the pandemic, and it was a cluster. 2 years later and I still am finding things I should have been taught / trained on / informed about but wasn’t.
I work in a niche field, so I heard through the grapevine that the HM is leaving, but I don’t know the timeline of their departure. They were “poached” by my friend’s company; they apparently weren’t looking for a job but were called with an offer from a former colleague and apparently the offer was too good to refuse. So, it doesn’t sound like they’re leaving due to discontent at the job.
I’m a little tempted just to say given everything, this is probably not the opportunity for me. However, it is a nice raise, much better benefits (almost doubling my PTO! Better 401k match), a step up, and much more in line with my career goals and the work I like to do and much more aligned with a mission I believe in. I don’t like my current job for many reasons, but could stick it out if I need to. Being in a niche field, a great opportunity does not come up very often.
Anonymous
Call the hiring manager and ask if there are opportunities at their new company
Anonymous
And/or ask them how chaotic they expect it to be for you if you did take the job.
Anon
Nope, hard pass. It’s unlikely they’ll even offer the job to you if HM is leaving. If they keep the job, they’ll let new manager fill it or reallocate headcount. I’d never willingly go into something that unstable.
Anonie
I mean, you could get hired into a new role and the HM could leave the following week, it’s always a risk. I’d go ahead and go for it.
Anon
That is a good point!
Anonymous
Agreed. This is always a risk. If this is the only negative then I would go for it. If you have to jump ship it’s something easy to explain to prospective employers.
Anon
My boss who started after her hiring manager left the company was just let go by her new boss, after being here less than a year. She contributed a lot of her lack of success to starting the role without a boss. FWIW
Anonymous
I think a lot of this would depend on how junior or senior you are and the ease of finding a job in your industry. The more senior, the less likely I would want to join on since it’s harder to get in sync with existing strategy and figure out processes while at the same time people assuming you are senior enough they can lob anything and just trust it will be OK. (For example, an organization may not have a strategy you can just hop into linking marketing and sales growth that’s sound but it likely has documentation and a calendar around social posting.) And the more niche, the harder it will be to get out if it gets worse obviously. Y
es, there is a risk of this happening at any time. But it’s different to knowingly go into a situation knowing your training and mentoring may be chaotic.
Anon4this
What do you do if you feel completely disconnected from your spouse? As in you have a great partner, but there is not much there after years of marriage. It feels like we are just working, raising children, and don’t have much of an emotional connection anymore. I get that maybe this is what marriage is like after a while, and yet it doesn’t feel like enough either.
Anon
I don’t know the answer, but from experience, I don’t think it will get better over time.
Anon
I’ve been married about 10 years and with my spouse for about 18 years. I feel like there are cycles where you don’t feel as closely connected – work is crazy or there’s stress in your personal life external to your marriage (parents, siblings, etc). Honestly, when I feel like that – I just tell my husband. ‘I don’t feel like we are connecting lately with everything else that’s going on in our lives. Can we take some time this weekend/this month etc and spend some time just together without talking about our day-to-day life, the kids, etc’.
Even just 2-4 hours going for a nice walk, hike, dinner together, seeing a show, etc. helps me feel re-connected…. Gardening helps too ;)
Cb
I’ve been married for 9 and we have periods like this, and it’s being really intentional and often about being active together. I listened to Adam Gopnik years ago about how to reconnect, and he stressed the need for laughter over rose petals on the bed, so I try to keep that in mind. A hike together is more likely to reconnect us than a fancy dinner, when we’re tired and a bit stressed about money.
anon
Laughter and just hanging out together has kept our marriage solid during periods when there was either no time or no money to do big date nights.
anon
I feel like the Gottman Institute has good advice for this situation. Basically, it comes down to dating your spouse again and actually making the time to connect emotionally. Every day. And that can be really challenging when you’re in the thick of the child-raising years but splitting up sounds a whole lot worse if you have a basically decent marriage.
Anon
Do an adventure date together, like a surfing lesson. Get a babysitter and make a whole day of it. There’s good evidence to suggest that doing something together that increases adrenaline/excitement increases connection to your spouse. It’s essentially the same physiological pathways as arousal. Plus, it’s just so fun. If you do something that requires focus and cooperation, you won’t be thinking of the chores at home. You’ll remember it for years to come.
Anon
I think this is why have couples on the Bachelor do thing like skydiving or scaling a building, etc. It gets the adrenaline going.
Anonymous
Those exercises where you just hold each other and look at each other for a while help when there is a lack of intimacy. And I like doing something new together that gives you something to talk about but I’ve also just decided to take extra interest in my BF’s hobbies/interests to build conversation points that have nothing to do with work or chores or family that might be stressors.
Anon
It’s so hard when your kids are little and you’re both working full time. Do you have any friends or family who would keep the kids even for an overnight? We didn’t have family nearby so we rarely got to do it, but I remember each and every overnight away with my husband and it really did recharge the batteries. I had one rule – no talking about the kids!
Anon
When we go through these spells we purposefully (awkwardly) reconnect. Like, making a goal to sit down on the couch without any screens every night after bedtime. The first night or two can be a little awkward/we talk a lot about the kids and logistics, but then it gets better fairly quickly.
I make sure I’m not getting my emotional intimacy elsewhere. Not even talking about romantic interests- just if I’m spending a lot of time with my best friend or sister I’ll sometimes realize I’m telling her things I’m not telling my husband. Not hiding things, just he’s not as interested in obsessing over what my coworker meant by that thing they said etc. So I’ll purposely scale back and redirect that information onto him.
Scheduling gardening time.
Anon
Married 25 years next year and we also go through periods where we are more connected and less connected. In the periods where we feel less connected, one of us will make a point to say “I feel like I would like to spend some more time with you, how can we make that happen?” (We learned how to do this in couples counseling, BTW.) Then we make a defined date for when we can do something like go for a hike, have what we call Nacho Movie Night (we make nachos at home and watch a movie we rent off Amazon), go to dinner by ourselves, etc. I like getting us out of our rut/routine as a way to put some energy into the relationship – a few weeks ago, a band we both like was playing in our city and tickets weren’t too expensive, so we went to dinner and to the show, which we hadn’t done together in years, and afterward, we spent a lot of time talking about the show and reminiscing about previous shows we’d seen together.
I think when people say “marriage is work” part of what the “work” involves is intentionally maintaining connectedness. In the hustle and bustle of full-time jobs, plus kids, plus running a household, plus aging parents, plus friends and sibling relationships, plus community or community-of-faith involvement, etc. it’s easy to put the marriage on the back burner and let it operate at a low simmer for some time. And in that time, people can start feeling unacceptably disconnected, lonely, at loose ends, etc. in a way that isn’t healthy for the person or the marriage, long-term. Part of the “work” of my marriage is trying to focus on who my husband is as a person, and not just his role in the family. Yes, I need him to fix the squeaky door but he is a person with wants, needs, ideas and goals and there has to be space for that too (and space for all of my stuff as well). I need time and space to see him as My Partner, Who is a Person and not just the guy who lives with me that I can give a list of chores to.
Marriage isn’t a purely transactional relationship – I do this so you do that; if you do X for me I will do Y for you; it’s a partnership of two independent people who come together to achieve common goals. (Guess where I learned all this? That’s right, in couples counseling.) So, OP, if you feel like you need to reconnect emotionally with your spouse, you’ll have to intentionally make space to communicate with them – and just them; it’s not conducive to try to connect on a deep level on, like, a family vacation with the kids running in and out every five minutes – and figure out what’s going on in their head and give them space to talk. And then they should give you space to talk. “Disconnection” can be a word to describe “I don’t know what they’re thinking” and the only way to solve that is to make space so you can ask some questions that will help them talk about what they’re thinking – and you have the space to really listen and respond thoughtfully. You don’t need to take a second honeymoon to Bora Bora to do this but you may need to get a babysitter for some date nights to make it happen.
Anon
+1. Married 15 years but all of this resonates. Each month we sit down together and plan a few dates into our calendars.
– A lunch date together
– An evening date together (used to need a babysitter, but now it’s the same time as the “kids-only sibling date”)
– A kid-parent date night (we each take a kid for a solo activity, switch kids each month)
Most of these are casual and not very expensive – our last lunch date was just chatting together on our porch at home, I took my son on a “date” to get 7/11 slurpees and hit a few balls at the driving range. These come first, before any plans with friends or extended family or sports, although we try to plan around any important known events. Prioritizing this time to connect and truly focus on one other person has helped form bonds that are getting us through the chaotic late elementary/ middle school years. It’s nice to feel like my husband and I are on a team trying to get through this together.
Anon
Did anyone watch Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story? There is an extended gardening metaphor in the show that made me think one of the writers might be a regular visitor to this blog haha
Anon
I just watched the first and second episode last night and I did not put two and two together until you pointed it out. That’s really funny. I’d love to also assume Shonda Rhimes wrote that scene because she is a complete boss. If there is any chance she reads this blog, that would be amazing!
Anon
Hahahah I wondered the same!
Anon
You mean because he gardens? my impression was that it was for his mental health! Haha
Mpls
I’m assuming this is referring to the later episodes between Violet Bridgerton and Lady Danbury and Violet’s discussion of being “in bloom” to indicate her libido has reawaken.
Anon
Yes I thought the same thing!
Anonymous
I know there are a lot of lawyers here. I saw this post on over on AITA on reddit. my background is in finance and I’m not from the US, but I was just curious how true this actually is or not?:
I’m an attorney. One of my siblings (I’m 28, she’s 22) also wants to become an attorney. She’s starting law school this fall. She was accepted into multiple T14 (Top 14) law schools, including one Ivy League school. However she declined all those offers to attend a lower ranked school because that school offered her a full scholarship (tuition, books, housing and a meal plan). While that school is the Top 100 law schools in the US, it isn’t the same caliber as an Ivy League school.
I advised my sister to attend the Ivy League school, as it was the highest ranked school she got into. I told her ranking is important. It will open doors for her later on. I went to an Ivy League school because it was the highest ranked school I got into and I’ve never regretted it. It’s opened so many doors for me and I’ve only benefitted from it. I didn’t have any family connections or legacies in the world of law so my degree from a top ranked school helped me immensely. (I was the first person from either side of my family to get more than a grade 10 education. My siblings have all done so as well. Each of us graduated from college. We didn’t come from money and my sister and I didn’t have any family connections to help us get into law school or get jobs afterwards). I always encouraged my sister to go to the highest ranked school that accepted her because it would only be a benefit. I know it sounds like I’m being a snob but the reality is that these things matter, especially for people without any connections.
Although we both went to law school we are on different paths. I’m in biglaw. I’m a corporate attorney at one of the largest law firms in the US. I want to be partner one day. My sister has only ever wanted to be a public defender. She chose the lower ranked law school because she said it would mean no debt. I get that law school debt is a lot. But as a public defender she would be eligible for public service loan forgiveness. The deadline to accept or decline offers just passed in the last week or two. My sister accepted the lower ranked school and there is no going back. I advised her differently the entire time and now I’ve told her she’s mad a mistake and it will affect her career and she’ll regret it later on. She believes I’m wrong and says she knows what she’s doing. Our parents and other siblings say she does too but none of them are attorneys and they don’t know how it works.
I’ll ALWAYS support my sister (and all of my siblings in their careers) no matter what. I won’t bring this up again or ever say anything like I told you so. I’ll be her biggest cheerleader (outside of our parents). But she’s still upset with me and thinks I’m wrong. We argued several times before the deadline passed. Like I said what’s done is done and I won’t bring it up again but was I wrong to advise and encourage her to go to the best ranked school she could? I only wanted what’s best and the truth is that ranking does matter a lot of the time.
Anon
I wanted to do family law when I went to law school but changed my mind. No debt let me do that. I mean, you are both right. T15 schools open doors, but if it’s not BigLaw, it’s a rough door to walk through with $$$ debt. And while there is foregiveness, it’s not immediate. How do you juggle apartments, loan payments (they are still due), maybe needing a car, maybe paying for daycare in the 10ish your loans are outstanding? IDK — the math is ugly. OTOH, with no debt (but maybe still loans for cost of living, not all schools cover that, just tuition), the math is not unreasonable but still tough on a public interest salary.
You’re both right, but you were sort of a jerk and didn’t seem to get her side of things, which is an important attribute of any good lawyer.
Anonymous
This isn’t my post. I saw it on AITA and was curious what the lawyers here thought. As I said I’m not a lawyer (and I don’t have any siblings) so I have no knowledge of how the law school/legal world works.
Chl
I’m currently going through a thing where my sister made a different choice than I would have made. It’s hard to watch but my read on what you’ve written is that you’ve overstepped. Presumably she’s a smart person based on what you’ve described. She’s just making her own choice based on her priorities. You raised some additional considerations to think about and probably should have stopped there. Best of luck to your sister!
Anonymous
This post was from over on Reddit. Like I said at the top I’m not a lawyer and I don’t live in the US. I posted it here because I was curious and I know there are a lot of lawyers here. I don’t have a sister.
anon
If it’s not your post then why are the responses making you so defensive?
anon
I’m not commenting on this as a lawyer but as a former know-it-all big sister. You need to back way, way off and let your sister forge her own path. For what she wants to do, her train of thought sounds perfectly logical to me. She is allowed to do things differently, and if she senses that you’re judging her and her choices, it is going to hurt your relationship.
You can advise but don’t get wrapped up in the outcome. This is her life to live.
Anonymous
This isn’t my post.
I saw it on AITA and was curious what the lawyers here thought. As I said at the top I’m not a lawyer (and I don’t have any siblings) so I have no knowledge of how the law school/legal world works.
Anonymous
Yes we know
here she goes
+1 I’m an older sister too, and have that self-assured sense of knowing what is best for my younger sisters. I think you probably took it too far, but I feel you OP.
It’s hard to watch younger siblings make choices that we believe are wrong; it’s totally different than watching a friend do it – like I just accept friends reasoning for making decisions, while with siblings I’m way more pushy. There’s a very specific pressure feeling in my brain that only happens when I am interacting with my younger siblings and their decisions. I have gotten called out HARD on this board about it. :D And honestly, it has made me take a step back and try and see my younger siblings for the adults that they are, and let them make their own choices.
I have a little theory it’s because we were told from the time our younger siblings were born to “teach your sister this” “make sure your sister doesn’t get in trouble” “watch your sister” “why did you let your sister do that” etc etc – so it’s hardwired into our brains to see sibling’s choices as our responsibility. Then they become adults and these hardwired thought patterns leads us to be condescending and judgy. It’s the family pattern that’s hard to grow out of. It’s hard because we totally KNOW what (we think) is best, and they’re all out there being adults and doing what they think is best.
Anonymous
I’m not the OP from the post. I don’t have a sister. As I said at the top of my post here I saw this on Reddit. I know there are lots of lawyers here and I was curious. I’m in finance and my background isn’t in law.
Anon
Just stop. We get it.
anon
This is perfectly said. I had to learn this lesson the hard way. Add that visceral sense of love and care for a younger sibling, and it’s a perfect storm of advice gone wrong.
Anon
Yup, agreed. My younger sister is making choices that I think are detrimental to her long term happiness, but other than making it clear that I’m always there to support and give advice, I stay out of it.
Anon
Also a big sister and I completely agree with your advice. I have one younger sibling who seems to throw away opportunities for advancement, wealth, and relationship satisfaction with two hands. She is the worst self-saboteur I have ever known. But a word from me, or anyone, will just send her deeper into it. We all just politely nod and say things like “sounds tough” when she’s dealing with the consequences.
If only going to a lower rated but still highly rated law school on full scholarship was a problem even tangential to her universe!
Anon
The OP is correct.
Also I know very few people who ended up doing what they thought they went to law school for.
Anon
I think you’re alone in that opinion, judging from the responses. Are you feeling defensive about your own decisions?
Anon
I wasn’t feeling anything before reading your response to my benign answer. Now I’m pissy and adding that this is my observation after 25+ years of being a lawyer. I think the school you pick matters even more today than it used to.
anon
My advice to people has always been to go to the best school you get into unless you are admitted to a school that is very good in a geographic area that you are committed to and that is cheaper (i.e. if you are completely committed to practicing in Knoxville, it makes sense to turn down a T20 school in favor of UT). My concern here would be that the LW’s sister seems not to understand how competitive public defender jobs can be – in a lot of places they are very, very hard to get, and so school ranking matters. If the lower-tier school is in the city or state where she would like to be a PD, it might be okay, but if she’s at, say, University of New Mexico and is hoping to work in Atlanta, that’s going to be an uphill battle.
Anon
If sister got into T15, sister will be fine. The problem with T100 is that they let in a lot of people just for the tuition $ and not b/c they can really pass the bar or gain JD-required jobs, which is a different problem entirely. In 99% of the country, sister will be fine and NYC will still make her miserable on a PD’s salary if she gets that job (otherwise, she still has the debt).
Anon
That may be true about the entering class. but even if you graduate first in your class, it’s hard to get a good legal job from a law school in the lower part of the top 100. It will close doors, because many places (and not just biglaw) won’t even look at your resume.
Anon
This is untrue. I graduated first in my class (not even from a school in the top 100!) I have never had a problem finding a good legal job. I’ve gotten several prestigious positions, including in house for a Fortune 100 company and a career law clerk position.
Whether the Ivy League thing makes the most sense is based 100% on geography.
Anon
This isn’t true. It hasn’t been true for me, and it hasn’t been true for my law school classmates.
Anon
Yeah I went to a T50ish school and had no problem getting a prosecutor job at a very very competitive office (1% hire rate my year, but typically more like 5%). My law school friends who wanted to be public defenders had the same experience. If that’s what you want to do, and your internships/classwork reflect that, it’s actually not that hard. It’s hard for those who woke up in September of 3L year and decided they wanted to do this because their other plans didn’t pan out (I had those friends in LS too — they didn’t get these jobs). And that’s what makes it seem competitive.
Anonymous
Yes you were wrong. Not to discuss it but to keep pressing and insist that you were right. She has all the info. She’s made a reasoned informed decision. There is more to life than big law
Anonymous
This post was from over on Reddit. As I said at the top I’m not a lawyer and I don’t live in the US. I posted it here because I was curious and I know there are a lot of lawyers here. I don’t have a sister and if I didn’t I would not meddle in her career choices.
Anonymous
Omg we know. We are responding to the post. Pls deal.
Anon
The missed point is top school credentials matter for everything, not just biglaw.
Anon
Yes and no.
In my city, we’d probably prefer a local school as who knows is a HYP person sincerely wants to be here. And we know that local school debt levels are manageable but HYP debt often forces young people to either have outsized salary / bonus expectations or leave for a bigger city.
Go somewhere and do the best you can where tuition is lowest. That keeps your options open more than a big name and a ton of debt.
Anon
This isn’t true. I think it matters in BigLaw and some high end public service work, and it really doesn’t matter anywhere else. I haven’t been asked about law school in years.
Anonie
Going 200k+ into debt for law school only makes sense if you’re going to do BigLaw and be able to pay off the loans quickly so they don’t hang over the first decade of your career. Going on a full ride scholarship to a regional law school makes a TON of sense for someone who isn’t going to be seeking the most prestigious careers, BigLaw firms, etc.
Since your sister wants to be a PD, it would be stupid for her to go deeply in debt for school. I personally would NEVER want to do loan forgiveness because you’re basically trapped. What if she wants to leave being a PD and go into private practice at a smaller firm? What if she wants to leave the law entirely and go into an adjacent career like recruiting?
In sum, even if you were right, you’re being way too pushy with your opinion. But you’re actually wrong. Sauce: Ivy League law grad who went into BigLaw.
Anonymous
I don’t have a sister. Like I said at the top, I saw this post on Reddit and since I’m not a lawyer don’t live in the US I was curious. I know there are lots of lawyers here, many in biglaw and I wanted to know from them how true this was.
Anon
+10000000000 to this.
Of course you can still be a PD if you went to an Ivy League school, but there are very few markets where you need to have gone to an Ivy League in order to be a public defender (maybe some specific federal public defender jurisdictions?) And it seems to me that not so many people who feel called to public defense in the beginning will be dying to go into Big Law after law school.
I graduated without law school debt thanks to a full scholarship, and thank my stars EVERY DAY that I had the flexibility to go in house for a non profit and now to work a different public-interest job without having to worry about paying off loans. My friends who went into public service who did have large loans got them forgiven, but there was a lot of stress for those 10 years they were making payments that were as big as my mortgage.
Senior Attorney
Yes, OP, I know it’s not you.
That said, I completely agree with Anonie. I think the younger sister is objectively right and the older sister is objectively wrong. And even if that weren’t the case, younger sister has made her choice and older sister needs to back the heck off.
Anon
I completely disagree with your post. So many people go to expensive law schools thinking they will be able to pay back their loans only to realize they hate being a lawyer and now they are stuck because of their loans. My friend went to our lower ranked law school because she got a full ride and it was closer to her husbands medical school. She worked biglaw for Uber 5 years and saved almost half of the cost of their home. If she had loans, she would have been stuck doing something she hated and her marriage would have likely ended in divorce due to long hours, etc. I think it is best to not have loans and be in the top 10% of your class. As long as it’s not a law school at the very bottom, you can still get a great job and have options if you hate practicing.
Anon
This.
Anonymous
This wasn’t my post. I saw it on Reddit and since I know lots of lawyers post here I was curious to hear what they had to say.
As I said at the beginning of my post I’m not a lawyer and I don’t live in the US. I also don’t have a sister.
sfchic
OP – we all know you put this post on here. We are all answering to the “Reddit OP” – not you. Stop posting.
Every post you add saying the same exact thing makes me want to rub Wasabi on my eyeball.
Anon
just dont wash it out with lime seltzer
Anon
It’s lemon! It’s natural! It’s very lightly flavored!
anon a mouse
Yep, this. Graduating without debt gives you more freedom after you graduate. Also, to all the people who say “public service loan forgiveness!” — those programs may or may not exist forever, they can be burdensome to navigate, and you still are talking about 10 years of payments on a public service salary.
Anonymous
I had a close friend who got into top 100 State U Law School on a free ride but chose to attend a top 10 school instead. He knew he wanted big law and planned to make a big income so didn’t think twice about borrowing 200k total. Midway though school he realized he hated law but was trapped. He had to finish law school, He had to work at least 5 years in big law to pay off the loans. He became depressed, abused drugs and passed away. Not saying law school debt killed him but that kind of pressure can exacerbate underlying issues. Point is, trust your sister. You don’t know everything about her situation.
Anonymous
… and we know it’s not “your” sister. It’s from Reddit.
Anon
This is so heartbreaking.
Anon
I am a public defender who went to a T14 Ivy League. There is no right answer here. About half the public interest minded students in my cohort went to big law because of their loans. I would say I was the lucky one who graduated with no debt (large windfall that I did not expect allowed me to pay off student loans). I turned down a full ride at a lower ranked regional but well respected (locally) school—that was risky because I did not know I would be getting that windfall. Like that sister, I knew what I wanted to do and was pretty stubborn about it. I also went to law school later in life and lived off of a very low wage before law school so I knew what kind of lifestyle I’d have to live.
My Ivy League degree opened up many doors for me and I had some brilliant professors and experiences. I probably would’ve been fine at the full ride school but I would’ve had to try harder to get the same internships and job. This was only my personal experience. I know I am very very lucky to have experienced that windfall and be free of debt. Other things that were pure luck: I married someone who makes a lot more than me, so even if I didn’t have that windfall, i could’ve thrown my entire salary (which, tbh is not much) at paying off loans without impacting our lifestyle too much.
The loan forgiveness programs work but are tricky if you end up marrying and filing taxes jointly, your spouse makes a lot of money but not enough to pay off your loans, etc. Some of the ivys have weird salary scales for repayment, so if your PD job pays more than X, you have to pay y% over X salary, and so you’re still not making that much money.
Only the poster’s sister knows herself. If she can go to law school without debt, that is incredibly freeing because she can do anything she wants after graduating. If she were go to go an Ivy League and not become a public defender, she has lots and lots of debt she has to pay off and is thus trapped into going into big law.
Anon
At a certain point in life, school ranking does not matter. It all comes out in the wash.
anonshmanon
I think the phrase here is ‘it’s a wash’.
Anonymous
Why would you come here to correct someone’s grammar when a simple search would reveal that “it all comes out in the wash” is a well-known idiom?
anonshmanon
These are two different idioms with different meanings, and I believe one of them fits much better than the other.
No need to get your hackles up at a neutral “I think you mean x”. I don’t think the poster is stupid or any way ‘less’ for making a mistake. We all have our little grammar pet peeves and I’d like to be informed if I was misunderstanding an idiom, because chances are, I will misuse it repeatedly.
Anon
It’s a wash is like “wash sales” in the tax code.
It all comes out in the wash is also a phrase. Sheesh, people.
Anonymous
That’s what I thought until I took a scholarship to a law school ranked 20-something. Turns out that if you do not go to HYS there are certain jobs that are forever out of reach, even if you graduate first in your class and are on law review.
Senior Attorney
That may well be true, but [Reddit] OP’s sister doesn’t want any of those jobs.
Runcible Spoon
Counterpoint: 30 years after graduating from a top-3 law school, it STILL makes a difference in how I am perceived. I know it’s stupid and doesn’t make a difference now, but I decided to attend the Ivy law school and take out loans instead of attending an excellent, nationally-ranked public laws school on a partial scholarship, and that has made a big difference. Plus, my federal circuit court clerkship resulted from the luck-of-the-draw first semester Criminal Law professor who was in the practice of “sending” promising students to his buddy the judge, and THAT also has made a big difference.
Anonymous
The Ivy League school clearly did not teach the Reddit poster to proofread, so there’s that.
Anon
To the Reddit poster I would say
On something like this, I don’t give advice unless asked. Full Stop.
But if asked – law school is mostly a terrible investment, in time and money. I did move across the country for a T14 law school (not an Ivy) and borrowed a boatload of loans. I’d intended to move back to my city of origin afterwards, but the far-away good state law school cred didn’t carry any weight since I had no local connections or alumni network to rely on. I’m still in the state I moved to for law school, and it’s fine – I’ve built a good life, with a husband and family – but it took me forever to pay off my loans after graduating into a crap legal market, and I put off the family / kids stuff until I was 35 in order to get those loans down. In other words – I gave up my beloved hometown, years of earning, and years of fun while I was paying down the debt. So I’m totally with the Redditer’s sister on this one – don’t go to law school (especially for a lower paid specialty) unless its mostly paid for.
And God Bless your sister. I tell everyone who claims to go to law school because they are interested in human rights / justice / otherwise do-gooder stuff that being a Public Defender really puts you on the front lines, and with the opportunity to really make a direct impact on systems of inequity and the ongoing war on the poor.
Anonymous
The correct answer here is not to go to law school at all.
Senior Attorney
We have a winner!!
Anon
And now the Don’t Be a Lawyer song is playing in my head
Anon
Singing… “What about… immigration law? No money, plus it’s a bummer…”
Anon
We have a winner!!!!
Anon
Oops! Didn’t mean to write the same thing. Brain fail on this Monday!
Anon
The letter writer is a complete asshole here. I will be surprised if they manage to salvage any relationship with younger sister at all.
Of course it makes no sense to go into tons of debt to take a public job!!
Anon
Also, on the random chance OP or some other reader here is actually the letter writer, now is the time to shut up and wish little sister nothing but happiness and good luck. No more I-told-you-so-ing, ever.
Anon
Little sister made the right choice. It’s so easy to underestimate the extent to which law school debt can affect your life and career. Loan forgiveness plans (both federal PSLF and fancy institutional plans) are punishing and essentially force the borrower to commit to living at a low income to maintain eligibility for assistance. Even if you plan on a stint in Big Law, it’s hard to predict how long you’ll be able to tolerate what is objectively a quite hard career. And even if you can tolerate it, the length of time required for debt repayment can make it difficult to transition to a new career, particularly if you’re interested in fields outside of the handful of recognized exit options for law firm associates. I’m about eight years out, and I’m surprised at the number of my classmates who are just now realizing they don’t have a long-term future at their firm (either because partnership is not attainable or just not desirable) but are stumped on what to do next.
Anon
Plenty of decisions may not be the “best” decision but are nonetheless entirely reasonable.
It is entirely reasonable to take the full ride at a good regional law school. I happen to think it’s a better decision than paying full freight at a T14 (unless it’s HYS), even if she didn’t want to be a public defender. Law school at $300k is absurd, and isn’t worth the cost even in BigLaw. IMHO.
PSLF is a current policy, not a legal right. It could get overhauled or yanked before 2037, which is when she would be making her final payment. That’s a massive risk.
More importantly, “big sisters” need to MYOB. Their sibling is making a reasonable decision? Zip those lips. Their sibling is making a not great and maybe unreasonable decision? Unless asked, zip those lips.
Anon
What do you do to feel put together, glamorous, or like you have your sh!t together when you don’t? Wrapping up a busy period of work and diving head first into wedding season and realizing that I’m just always feeling a day late and a dollar short. Unable to take PTO or throw money at the problem right now.
Also, doing less with weddings is not an option. I have three friends getting married this summer and all three have had some sort of personal tragedy recently and I need to show up, figuratively and literally.
Anon
As long as you have a dress you like and comfortable shoes to wear, I think you’ll be set for all the weddings this summer.
Anon
Good idea, OP could make a wedding uniform with one dress and shoes/bags/jewelry to swap out.
Anon
Oh, I’m set on dress and shoes!
It’s more that losing my weekends (or at least a chunk of them) for the next few months. It means its a struggle to fit in food shopping, errands, cleaning, laundry, (let alone time to relax and do things I want to do!) when it’s a bridal shower this weekend and a wedding next weekend on repeat until the end of June!
Anon
Enjoy it! Amazon your errands and Instacart your groceries. This is such a fun time in life that getting caught up in laundry is missing the bigger picture. I’d pay good money to have a summer filled with parties and weddings again.
Anon
Oh it certainly is fun! But hard to fit everything in.
Anon
Just lower your standards for a while. Get some TJs frozen meals and let the dust gather.
Anon
Lowering your standards is the answer for so many of life’s busy periods!!
Cat
Do that life maintenance stuff on weeknights! I do that even without having busy wedding schedule and it’s great. Run 1-2 errands or 1-2 chores per night and your weekends are free.
anon
Which areas of your life are the pain points? My general advice is to simplify whatever you can.
Anonymous
Quit drinking. It’s the easiest way for me to save money, look gorgeous, get great sleep, and feel good daily.
here she goes
I really like this advice! If you don’t want to quit altogether for all the events, decide to dial it back to one or two drinks a night max. Simple and effective, still fun.
Anon
Same! I have 1-2 drinks at events or when out with friends (2-3 times a month) but otherwise don’t drink. I didn’t think it would make a difference, and in fact I thought a glass of wine in the evening helped me relax, but it turns out it just disrupts my sleep. I notice it a lot now when I do drink, so I carefully calculate whether it’s worth it on that particular day.
Senior Attorney
And not only that, I recently cut way back on my drinking and found my anxiety magically disappeared!
Anne-on
I schedule additional at home time to take care of stuff I’ve been putting off and try to pair annoying chores with fun ones. Like – do a face mask/deep conditioning treatment for my hair and then pop on a shower cap and vacuum/scrub my bathroom while blasting music. Or call a friend while I do an at-home mani/pedi. Or use the laundry as my pomodoro – clean a room or two while laundry is washing, swap it to the dryer and then switch to doing a workout video for 30 minutes. I also try to do things (or set calendar reminders) to do them as soon as I think of them otherwise I get the annoying middle of the night ‘oh no!’ feeling.
Anon
I know you said you can’t throw money at it, but are hair and nails in the budget? Doing my hair and nails can take me two hours each so sometimes getting a blow out and going to a nail salon help me relax and feel put together.
here she goes
I thought the same thing. A good hair cut/color right now that will last through the summer, and monthly gel manicures in a neutral color go a long way to helping me feel put together.
Anonymous
Try to squeeze in things when you can, even if it might not be how you would normally (like a load of towels before bed or a grocery refresh done by pick-up or home delivery). Also, remember this is only a season. It might feel overwhelming. But some day you’ll hit where no one is getting married and your friendships are a lot less face-to-face and you’ll miss these moments. And buy yourself an expensive pair of sunglasses. Nothing makes me feel more glamorous, goes with everything, and will get a ton of use with your traveling.
Anon
Figure out which “housekeeping” tasks make the biggest impact on your stress level and just focus on those items. Personally I can’t relax if my apartment is cluttered but can deal with repetitive meals. In my case I’d prioritize cleaning and stock up on frozen meals.
If you’re busy for the whole summer then maybe you rotate priorities: Week 1 you prioritize cleaning over fresh meals, Week 2 you catch up on laundry and accept dusty baseboards, Week 3 you wear ponytails and use the hair styling time to run errands before work, etc.
Anon
Grab a box of Crest White Strips.
anon_needs_a_break
if this is your biggest problem in life, consider yourself lucky and enjoy it
NaoNao
Organizing and decluttering–and then arranging my products in a very “Instagrammable” way.
Consistency with my beauty/skin/hair routine, even just 30 seconds to smooth on a bit of serum on my frizzy ends of hair helps.
“Closet play time” meaning going through the wardrobe and pairing things, trying to find cool, interesting combinations. I recently signed up with a free clothing tracker app and their AI has suggested outfits for me, which is fun. Then jot down these outfit ideas or photograph them.
Planning with a pen and paper planner, a gratitude journal, or a regular journal and a cup of tea as a ritual end of day, Sunday morning, Saturday night, etc.
Speaking of Sunday: Sunday reset. Meaning garbage gets emptied, bed stripped, bed sheets washed and replaced, closet and room tidied / cleaned, mail gone through, nagging errands and tasks and chores done, and then a candle lit and a fun book, an indulgent drink, or a movie.
Anon
Anyone purchased from Aday? Thoughts on quality, fit, return/exchange experience if you didn’t like it?
Anon
I’ve had some success with them. I own a few essentialist T-shirts, the “something tailored” shirt in white and black, and a sweater, all of which I’ve had for at least a year or more. I’d say the quality is medium — all of the items have held up decently, although perhaps not as well as I would’ve expected for the price. All of the items ran a little large, but fit well, save for the sweater, which is cut in an odd way. They work well for my athleisure friendly workplace, but their clothes really do read as athleisure — lots of neoprene-adjacent fabrics, etc.
Argentina
We’re thinking about a trip to Argentina this October or November! 7 to 10 days. Have you been and did you enjoy your trip? Any highlights for you? Thanks in advance!
Anon
I went to Buenos Aires and Iguazu pre covid. I absolutely loved Iguazu and think it’s a must for Argentina. Also do the Brazilian side.
Chl
We went to Argentina on our honeymoon in November and it was a lovely time. We liked our time on an estancia outside BA and wine tours (trout and wine)in Mendoza the best. Iguazu was cool but you kind of go there and you’re like, yup, this is a big waterfall and that’s it. Admittedly we are not outdoors hiking type people. Eat some great steak, sausage, pasta, etc and drink lots of wine!
NYCer
I have been to Argentina. We went at the end of November and had a fabulous time. First thing to remember is that Argentina is quite large. It is a 3+ hour flight from BA to El Calafate (Patagonia gateway), for example. We were there for 2 weeks, and did BA, Iguazu, Patagonia and Ushuaia, with the largest chunk of time in Patagonia. If you’re only going for a week , I think you would be hard pressed to do Patagonia, unless you’re planning to just go there plus a couple days in BA. As an alternative, you might want to consider Bariloche (have heard amazing things about Llao Llao Hotel) or Mendoza instead. Like the previous poster, we really enjoyed Igazu too.
Year Abroad
Has anyone worked remotely/traveled abroad for a year mid-career? Partner and I are both feeling very unfulfilled and stagnant in our careers and consumed by pressures in our daily lives- house renovations, maintaining friendships, caring for parents, politics, etc… We need a reset and this feels like the perfect time to pull off this pipe dream. Looking for advice, anecdotes, etc.
Anon
Possibly stating the obvious, but you’d still have to maintain the house, and it will be much harder to do from abroad. Ask me how I know.
Anon
I was more concerned about caring for parents. I definitely would not be away from my parents for that long if they are elderly.
Anon
That too, I missed that.
Cerulean
Be sure to look into the visa, tax, and health insurance implications for this.
blueberries
Do you really want to a) live abroad somewhere; or b) travel for a year; or c) lessen your regular pressures; or c) have more excitement in your career? Those are all different things. Presumably, you could do whatever you’d do to lessen those pressures, like stop renovating and hire a caregiver while still at home. I would caution to think about what you really want and make a plan to achieve what you really want.
Runcible Spoon
I did it and had a blast. Obviously, do the research, but if you can swing it, go for it! I hired a property manager to market and rent out my house (it’s all tax deductible, generally speaking). My mom was doing ok, so I figured it would only be downhill, so I took the opportunity sooner rather than later. Just the option of traveling easily to several bucket-list destinations during my time abroad was so fulfilling (as well as traveling to worthwhile lesser-known places that wold be impractical to visit from the United States). To be fair, I am a career federal employee, so I did this with the government, which took care of a number of details (visa, housing, moving, etc.). It’s not as easy as in the past; recent tax amendments characterize moving costs and other previously gratis fringe benefits as taxable income, but still totally worth it.
JoJo
Virtual shopping assistance request! I am looking for a flat shoe to wear with wide-leg linen pants and straight jeans to work this summer. (Dress code is very casual, but I prefer to be smart casual.) I have Adidas superstars and Rothys points, but am looking for something in between. I was hoping for Rothys ballet flat in blush, but that’s not a thing. Prefer closed toe, but could be convinced otherwise. Have considered huaraches but they look uncomfortable and I don’t like the color brown – I’m thinking something in blush pink.
Anon
I love repetto ballet flats.
Anon
Are you the person who recommended them here recently? I picked up a pair on your (or someone’s) recommendation when I was in Paris last month and so far I love them!
Anon
Probably! I’m an evangelist for them, especially if you can get them in Paris!
NYCer
+1 to Repetto.
Cora
I really like the Kelly & Katie Jayde flats. I bought the red ones and plan to buy them in more colors. I think they have a cream one, not sure about blush pink.
Anonymous
Vivaia. So comfortable but chic.
Runcible Spoon
Massimo Mateo penny/driving mocs. Super inexpensive, and they come in a variety of colors.
anon
tieks?
Anon
On behalf of a nonprofit I work with, I’ve been asked to do some research into whether the regional bank where we have our checking account might be at risk of going under. The concern seems to have come by word of mouth from an executive at another regional bank. Where should I start? I have no background in evaluating the stability of a bank. The organization only has the one account at this bank, the account is used for operations so there is a lot of activity, the balance seems to hover around $100K and is not likely to approach $250K. If the organization were to lose the funds in the account due to a bank issue we would probably have to cease or seriously limit the services we offer to the community until sufficient new donations came in to fund operations, so it’s not totally out of line to be concerned. Thanks for any guidance you can provide!
Anon
Your account is insured. You’re not going to lose the $. This is chicken little / someone just trying to capitalize on panic that your person is talking to at another bank.
Anon
I am in finance. I work with regional banks a ton. THIS. You are insured and a-ok.
Anon
I think the issue is potential disruption, not actually losing the capital.
Anon
I thought that FDIC insurance only covered like 20% of the balance. Is that not accurate? I get that they generally make you whole, but I thought they didn’t have to do so
Anon
Q: What is deposit insurance?
A: FDIC deposit insurance protects bank customers in the event that an FDIC-insured depository institution fails. Bank customers don’t need to purchase deposit insurance; it is automatic for any deposit account opened at an FDIC-insured bank. Deposits are insured up to at least $250,000 per depositor, per FDIC-insured bank, per ownership category.
Deposit insurance is calculated dollar-for-dollar, principal plus any interest accrued or due to the depositor, through the date of default. For example, if a customer had a CD account in her name alone with a principal balance of $195,000 and $3,000 in accrued interest, the full $198,000 would be insured.
Anon
I wouldn’t bother with doing research in an area you don’t really know when the balance is covered by FDIC.
Anon
With SVB, the disruption was < 1 month IIRC. Put that much $ in a boring vanilla bank + how ever much $ it takes to avoid fees. KYC will be a b*tch in a new place, but just do it. Now you are fully hedged.
Anon
With our SVB accounts the disruption was only that weekend. We were able access everything from the bridge bank by Monday.
Anon
This is crazy talk. Other countries have had bank runs where maybe the $ is truly gone. That is why we have the FDIC here.
anon
I am a banking lawyer. You are not going to be able to assess this in a way that will be of use to your organization – bank safety and soundness is a highly complex topic that requires specialized knowledge and the experience to make judgment calls. If you need a metaphor to explain to someone why this doesn’t make sense to do, this is kind of like someone tasking you with assessing the risk that a highway overpass near your office is going to collapse – would you know how to judge that, even if someone gave you all the data?
You’re under the FDIC limit. The account is insured. The org’s funds are not at risk in the big picture sense.
That said, when a bank fails, depending on how the failure happens, access to funds can be temporarily interrupted. You may not have access to accounts for a brief period of time. The FDIC tries to make sure that type of interruption occurs over a weekend, but if the FDIC hasn’t yet taken over the bank, sometimes things go haywire – SVB customers did lose access to their funds for some period of time. Since this is an operating account, there is some possibility of disruption, but there just isn’t much you can do about that, and it would be temporary.
anonymous
I’m not the OP, but thank you banking lawyer! I love this analogy.
Anon
Thank you all! Banking lawyer, thanks for the analogy – I will use it. I especially appreciate the reassurance that this would be a specialized assessment, not something the average person could knock out with some googling and a few phone calls. So grateful to have access to the expertise on this board, I try to pay it forward when questions come up about my areas of expertise and experience!
Anonymous
What do you do when you realize clothes aren’t fitting or you know you’ve overindulged for a few weeks?
Anonymous
Wear stretchy pants.
Anon
Be more conscientious of my food/exercise choices until I’m back to normal.
Anon
Be more intentional about IF (it comes naturally to me but I’m not always strict about it) and move more.
Anonie
Cut out sugar and processed food
Anon
Cut out alcohol and simple carbohydrates for a week or so. Eat all the veggies and lean protein I want (I don’t believe in starving myself) but no bread, pasta, rice, etc. That usually does it.
Anon
Yup this. I also eat extra fruit, because I have a massive sweet tooth, and it helps me feel less deprived. I also make sure to do a little extra walking (taking the long way) or the stairs when I can.
Also check the calendar. I’m always massively bloated the week before my period, regardless of how I’ve been eating.
OOO
For this type of temporary weight gain I go on a low-carb diet until I am back to normal
Anon100
1) Hydrate with water. I don’t drink alcohol, but if you do,I’d cut that for a couple weeks.
2) eat more vegetables, and add in fermented foods like kimchi
3) cut down on sugar and processed foods
4) lower portion size for dinner, no dessert other than a little bit of fruit
5) find time to be more active, even if that means walkIng around the house while taking calls
AIMS
I try to snack less and move more. It always surprises me what a difference it makes to just consistently take the stairs, walk more/faster, go for a nightly walk before bed or get off a subway stop early, walk to a colleague’s office instead of calling/sending a message, etc.. I just make being active my mantra and it really does help.
Anon
Count calories on my fitness pal. Set a reasonable goal, no starvation diets.
Anonymous
Stop overindulging.
Anon
+1 after years of cycling through dieting in some form, then getting bored and overindulging, then punishing myself with dieting and then inevitably overindulging, I’ve come to the realization that just occasionally indulging but otherwise eating mostly well works wonders. When I do notice I’ve been overindulging, I just return to my normally scheduled routine. If I try to “correct” the overindulge, I land right back into the diet/overindulge cycle
Runcible Spoon
Skip breakfast and maybe also lunch, sipping on coffee, tea, and chicken broth during the day, followed by a sensible, normal-portion dinner. Hummus with carrots, sweet pepper strips, grape tomatoes and celery are also a go-to, rapid weight loss tactic. You gain muscle at the gym; lose weight through your mouth. Apologies for being slightly gross here, but lots of fiber and a few prunes before going to bed — ON OCCASION, not encouraging eating disorder laxative practices here — can help get rid of a few pounds sitting in your digestive tract.
Anon
OP, please only read this as though it were published in The Onion.
Anon
I’ve been to Lake Lure, NC pre-pandemic and am going there for Memorial Day weekend. Recommendations for places to eat with two teens, good hikes, etc.? Also, things to do with a dog? Not staying on the lake and we don’t have a boating license, but open to water things also.
anon
I don’t know if driving is an option for you, but Montreat/Black Mountain is about 45 minutes from Lake Lure. I was there a few years ago and there are several good restaurants a Kilwins ice cream shop in Black Mountain, and lovely hiking in Montreat, with a beautiful river flowing down the mountain. It’s one of my favorite places!
anon
I have a ridiculous amount of really beautiful but traditional/ old fashioned china (my mother in law really wanted me to register for china so I did and then she died and I inherited a boat load more from her, she obviously loved dishes had several full sets). Pulled some of it out for mother’s day dinner and it really is lovely. Wondering if anyone has ideas of ways to set a table that looks a little hipper with old dishes? I put it all on a white table cloth with white napkins and it really could be 1965. Is there a way to make it look more modern? I googled and there are lots of articles on what to do with china but the suggestions tend to include not using it as dishes…. thanks all!
Anon
I don’t even have a table, so obviously I don’t set one (I live alone and eat on my couch or at my breakfast bar). That being said, I do use Goodwill china as my everyday plates. It was cheaper than getting basic plates from Ikea/Walmart and it is fun to use pretty plates (when I notice it, which is not often).
So, my recommendation is always to use the china but I don’t have recommendations on how to make it look hipper.
Anon
I feel like the cottage core home decor trend might lend itself nicely in this scenario. Seeing examples of leaning into what you like can be good, even if it reads old fashioned. If this were me I would look for a fun floral block print table cloth or runner and give that a try.
Anonymous
Just . . . use it? As if it were a non-dressy set of dishes in those colors. Placemats, colored linens, casual glasses, etc. Google to find pictures of more casual or creative table settings that you like and then use your china in that setting. It’s the equivalent of putting a denim jacket and sneakers with a dressier dress. Or leather jacket and combat boots. Or whatever your style is.
I use my china for everyday dishes, and never “set a table” with it. I just use it. Better to use it and have some pieces break or look worn than to have it in storage for decades and have people wondering, after my death, what to do with it and then hauling it to the thrift store.
Anon
Oh I love vintage china and use it intentionally. Mix it up though, it’s like the fancy part of an outfit and you need to add jeans. Add some natural wood serving pieces, casual prints for napkins, a fun tablecloth or runner. Loose flowers. Take inspo from casual weddings – lots of images on pinterest and instagram.
Anon
I was going to recommend a different tablecloth and napkins. Is there a color in the china that you could pull so that it coordinates? Or is it a simple enough pattern that if you got a really bright color, it would pop nicely?
Anonymous
You inspired me to think about how I might use my own china! I ended up at the WIlliam Sonoma website where it looks like they’re mixing patterns and/or adding some casual pieces, as the previous poster suggested. If you have two sets with lots of blue, they might look nice together. I’m eyeing the cabbage bowls as a way to casualize my floral wedding china (will post link to good picture in replies).
Anonymous
Here is the link to the picture of fancy china and cabbage plates.
https://assets.wsimgs.com/wsimgs/rk/images/dp/wcm/202252/0289/famille-rose-dinner-plates-o.jpg
anon
A tablecloth with a modern print would make it feel less traditional. Or use chargers or modern placemats instead of a tablecloth.
anon
Thanks all!
Like the idea of more modern lines and serving pieces and will check out instagram and pininsterst
anon
I think you have a great foundation to work from! You just need to add a bit of personality to make them pop.
Runcible Spoon
Yes, a patterned tablecloth made from an “ethnic” textile would modernize things. (Also hides spills and crumbs.) It helps to put a table pad underneath. Enjoy!
Anonymous
What about some good wooden chargers instead of a table cloth?
Anon
I inherited multiple beautiful sets of china, two of which feature the color pink. I am not a pink person. At all. My favorite setting so far is to use a fringed linen cloth in pale green, a rather thick tatted runner down the center, wicker placemats and natural colored linen napkins. I ditch the fine stemware and go for slightly chunky clear old goblets. The silverware is mismatched and a combo of plated and sterling. Instead of flowers in the center, which can be beautiful but precious looking, I put dessert on an elevated cake plate and decorate that with fruit and/or loose flowers. Mind you, this is still very much “a look” but it’s not stiff and formal.
The most boring dinner party I ever hosted featured my mother’s pure white and platinum china, crystal with a platinum band, sterling silver flatware, and white damask tablecloth and napkins. My mother made me a gorgeous centerpiece of mixed white flowers. Beautiful table but very formal. My fun friends took their cue from the table and were very stiff that night. Never repeated.
I frequent Poshmark and run of the mill antique malls for vintage linens.
Hmmmm
We use our fancy china once a week. Sometimes on white tablecloths (fanciest), sometimes on white placemats (fancy), sometimes on our brightly colored/modern placemats (less fancy). I’m too lazy to really do “tablescapes,” but mixing fancy china with less fancy serving pieces or with napkins, candles, other decor that is brightly colored and more geometric in shape will shift the overall vibe. Or you could go black/gray/white. Come to think of it, fancy china on a black tablecloth or black placemats might look pretty cool.
Senior Attorney
I love my black tablecloth and use it with my fancy china all the time!
Anonymous
I mix my pattern with solid color and metallic pieces pulled from the pattern. You could go more of a coordinating geometric pattern, too, if you like a more maximalist look and can find something in the right colors.
Anonymous
I use bright casual linen placemats or tablecloths. A wicker charger would also be fun. And we use sleek wineglasses.
Moose
Try not using the whole set at once – mix certain pieces with plainer/more modern ones. You can even mix multiple patterns together! I think that could be really fun if done intentionally.
Anon
I love fancy china! Mix and match them, and if your table is wood, try using it without a table cloth.
AIMS
If you’re in NYC, go to ABC Home & Carpet for inspiration. You can take a look at their webs*te, even if you’re not. Lots of beautiful old china and none of it styled to feel fussy.
Anonymous
Mix the china with clean-lined contemporary glassware and flatware. Use plain serving dishes.
Anon
Mix and match the sets. Either within the place setting or on the table, like giving everyone a plate from a different pattern.
Senior Attorney
I like to use a different pattern for each course — so maybe modern Williams Sonoma square white salad plates, fancy floral gold-rimmed dinner plates (maybe alternating two patterns, or a different pattern for bread and butter plates), and my mom’s Fostoria crystal dessert plates. I also love to use brightly colored table linens. And using modern stemware helps perk up older dishes, too.
Fullyfunctional
Southern Living magazine always has good ideas for this!
Anon
Any recommendations for specific workwear items (business casual or dressier) from J.Crew Factory? I know a lot of you rave about their items and prices, but I have never purchased from there. Also, are they true to size? Thanks in advance!
Anon
I love their Jamie pants and sweater blazers, they are workhorses in my wardrobe. True to size in my experience.
Anon
I don’t love JCF generally, but I’m wearing their Jamie pants today. They’ve awesome basic pants.
AIMS
The sweater blazers are my personal favorite. True to Size is a harder question – I think they run a bit bigger than regular JCrew, similar to Old Navy. I find the tops to be roomier than the bottoms, but maybe because the bottoms tend to be cut for a straighter figure?
Anonymous
+1 to all of this.
Anon
For me the fit is always just slightly off and you get what you pay for when it comes to quality. For a long time I’d get really excited about the price + way things looked online, order a bunch of stuff, and then end up wearing things only once or twice. Now I just don’t order from there.
Anonymous
It’s intern season in my office. So many mini skirts and so much eye glitter! I’m very glad to not have an intern this year to avoid having those conversations. Outfit choices seem worse than previous years, but perhaps that’s pandemic related.
Cb
I took a group of MA students on a study trip last week and naively didn’t realise we’d need to expand on “smart casual” to include “no midriffs” but alas. A note in the document for next year.
Relatedly, they went wild… and this was not a group of students who were newly exposed to alcohol. Staying out til 6am, banging on hotel room doors, etc. My co-leaders and I were mystified, it had never been that bad before.
Anon
Masters students were like this on a school trip? Wow!
Anon
Post pandemic pent up energy.
anon
This is fascinating. I think it’s normal to need to have conversations with interns about office formality, but this seems to be on a different level. I wonder where the disconnect is happening?
Anon100
Pandemic plus TikTok?
(yes I know I’m projecting major “you kids get off my lawn* energy even though I have committed some of those office fashion crimes as a millennial lol)
Anon
Last semester we had an intern who wore cargo pants with drawstrings on the bottom with heels and blue eyeshadow almost every day. Her tops were cropped but the pants were high waisted enough that we didn’t really see midriff.
Anon
I’m not surprised. FWIW I was clueless as an intern ten years ago. Think tight pencil skirts and ballet flats with a way too low cut sweater. My parents wore scrubs to work so I assumed I should look at romcom heroines for inspiration.
If this cohort normally relies on their older college classmates for advice then those people were WFH while interning and equally clueless. Give your interns concrete definitions of inappropriate vs. appropriate workwear. Clearly their assumptions are off base and they need guidance.
Anon
Yes! How are they supposed to know if no one tells them?
Anne-on
Yes, definitely tell them! I recall having to take an intern aside at a white shoe investment firm to tell her wet hair, flip flops, and black yoga pants with a button down shirt were not ok work wear.
Anon
Same.
Anne-on
When I worked in NYC circa 2007ish we used to play ‘most ridiculous intern’ and back then it was more Ally McBeal length skirts paired with super high platform heels. There has always been a bit of a learning curve in terms of what real office wear is vs. what people wear in shows like Suits.
Anonymous
Not to pick on the op here but I’m starting to feel funny about all the judgment. I started reading here to avoid the subtle fashion missteps that might have reflected poorly in me as a young professional. Now it feels like everyone here is pretty invested in upholding relativity arbitrary rules for behavior and dress that seem to matter less and less in a mostly remote world. Glitter eyeshadow feels fine after seeing everyone work from their hideous basement in sweats for years now. I’d just be happy an intern actually showed up- with makeup- in the office which is more than I can say for most people I work with.
Anonymous
The rules aren’t that arbitrary and while we can agree that the level of formality has changed, stretching the rules for covering up and not wearing flashy makeup really only affects women. We shouldn’t be giving in to the ideas that women should be on display at work, even if that glitter eyeshadow is “for myself” or “for other women.”
Anonymous
I think what you consider “giving into the idea that women should be on display” is really “stopping the constant policing of other women’s dress and appearance.” I’m at the point in my career where it’s just as easy to tell the boss that eye glitter had nothing to do with the intern’s work product as it is to tell the intern that no one takes her seriously with eye glitter. One of those things allows me to make the workplace better for young folks coming up and aligns with my values. Ive played by old men’s rule my whole life. I’m not going to make younger folks do it too.
Anonymous
I really disagree. If the issue is whether the dress shows her shape, it’s one thing. If the issue is whether the top shows her bare belly, that is another. Part of the reason we more often worry about “policing women’s bodies” is because women are encouraged to dress inappropriately more often and in more ways than men are, which is not a coincidence at all. I don’t think we do young women any favors by taking up the battle to allow them to show more and more skin and appear to be going to a club while at work with the C-suite.
Anon
But if you tell the intern, you have changed how everyone perceived her. If you tell you boss, you have maybe changed how one person perceives her. Others in the office will still judge
Anon
Yeah, same. Plus the whole “how are they supposed to know if nobody ever tells them” thing. It’s pretty crappy to make fun of people for not knowing the made up rules when you haven’t even told them what the made up rules are.
Anon
I find the mistakes funny even though I was once the clueless person who made them. Part of the problem is that I was looking around to what other people were wearing and not knowing who around was dressed reasonably and who was not.
I am definitely not showing up to the office without a very good reason for doing so though!
JD
I do think it’s a tricky line as it’s mainly women who get this commentary. Men just throw on pants and a button down (although I’ve seen plumber’s crack etc on men which shouldn’t be acceptable). On the other hand, my mother was a business woman from the 70/80s and made sure I knew to match outfits to the formality of the environment. If you don’t have some kind of mentoring on presenting yourself, you’re behind. I think it’s ultimately a kindness to set expectations gently in an internship, which is lower stakes than your early jobs.
Curious
Hey all, I wanted to apologize for being rude to some of you on Friday’s thread. I had read the version of Thursday’s comments after the worst comments got past mod and then missed the morning nuance. I do want to find a way to build people up after they have a rough experience in the comments, without re-litigating the prior conversation (suggestions?), but that was no reason to demand compliance with my agenda. Thanks for those who gently called that out.
Anon
You don’t need to build adults up like that – it’s not your job. I also think you are making way too much of that conversation. No one was rude to pugs. I won’t speak for her, but if it were me, I would feel infantilized by what you are doing.
Anonymous
This. It’s weird and unnecessary.
Anon
I think Curious’s heart is in the right place here.
Cat
personally I don’t think starting another thread with words of affirmation is so great. one because it inevitably repeats the same issues from the prior conversation. Two, not that I don’t feel like I ‘know’ some posters, but I would prefer not to have anyone recall all the random stuff I’ve shared in one spot even if designed for encouragement.
if you want to offer support I think doing a simple post with a burner email is best in the *actual thread at issue*, like – hey I think this thread may be offending you, lmk if you want to chat.
Curious
Yeah, that probably wasn’t the best. Are we okay losing people like Dr. The Original and Diana Barry and Rainbow Hair etc? I now feel like I’m a bit of a nut job for caring about this. I don’t want to infantilize people. I do wish there was a way to stem some of the tide.
Curious
I guess the burner email is probably the best we’ve got.
Anonymous
Yes. I’m fine with it. If literally one thread of people finding your question inappropriate and telling you that is enough to flounce forever, ok bye girl.
anon
So I have been around this community for an incredibly long time – like, since within a few months after it launched. There have always been people who left because of something that happened, or switched to commenting anon. I’m actually one of them – I had a stable commenter name for years and no longer use it. So that’s not new.
What I’ve observed in the last few years, though, is that the departing commenters are not being replaced by new ones – fewer people are choosing to use a stable pseudonym. There are also many more threads where there are a number of replies to the post, but not replies to those replies (so it’s less conversational). And discussions on any type of sensitive issue (political, cultural, or otherwise) are much more likely to descend quickly into pretty nasty places, which may be why there are fewer attempts to start conversations on anything complex. Things have recovered somewhat from a low point during early COVID (when the threads were full of people screaming at each other about wanting to kill grandma/being sheeple), but you go from zero to “offering an opinion different from mine is literally immoral” quickly enough that I just don’t want to participate in political-type threads anymore.
The range of ideological views that is acceptable in this community has also narrowed pretty extremely. I was actually surprised by the diversity of opinion on that thread last week, because that’s become uncommon. We used to have a population of moderately conservative commenters (who used stable commenter names, even!) that participated in discussions here, and they seem to be mostly gone. The reflexive Very-Online-progressivism of the commenter base has seemed to ease a little bit in the last few months, but I don’t know that those people will come back.
Anon
A lot of comments never get let through either, even if they are completely civil. I think that drives people away to see certain viewpoints be essentially off-limits while
comments calling people names are let through immediately.
anon
Agree with your third paragraph. I’ve been off and on this board for well over a decade at this point. I’ve stayed anon for reasons. There seems to be a lot less space to have a discussion without it descending into name-calling. Follows the national trend, but it’s unfortunate, I think. There are certain conversations that I just don’t have the energy to have, so I skip them even if I have thoughts or would like to process with other smart women.
Trish
Yes, it seems that this board skews left or progressive. What you saw in that thread was that many progressives are frustrated at not being able to have a nuanced conversation without being called names by their progressive sisters. This tendency to eat our own is why Dems aren’t controlling the legislatures in more states.
Anon
I’ve also been a reader since 2008 though never with a stable name, but every year or so there is a big freak out about how comments are scaring off beloved named commenters. Diana Barry etc are not the first people to leave or switch to anon.
Anon
Curious, I totally agree with you. I think we’ve lost some of the best regular posters, and I was so scared we’d lose you and Pugs after last week. Please stay! I care about this as much as you do and it makes me sad that this keeps happening.
Anon
I’ve been reading here a very long time – Kat was still a lawyer – and people have come and gone over the years, but the community soldiers on and I think the folks that stick around are the ones that are able to both get value out of being here, and contribute value.
I have to say, it bothers me that someone would try to guilt people or shame people because someone has left the community over an interaction they found troublesome. I find that extremely irritating, especially when some people choose to bring it up over and over (I’ve seen maudlin, sad-panda posts lamenting Diana Barry’s departure more times than I can count, which is far more times than I think was necessary).
Number one, many of us (I am including myself) used to post under regular handles, then went anonymous because we didn’t want to deal with the baggage that comes along with having a regular handle. So, Diana Barry, etc. may still be here, and just posting under an Anon handle; we have no way of knowing. Secondly, people are all grown-ups and have agency over their own lives. They can choose to be here or not be here. I do not feel any need to go chasing after the people who have left saying “OMG but you’re so great, please come back, we’re sorry” because I may not be sorry they’re gone (some of the folks who have permanently departed are “unregretted attrition,” IMO) and also – they’re big girls and they can decide for themselves if they want to be here. I have taken breaks from this community – sometimes for over a year – and then come back. So don’t assume people who haven’t posted in awhile are gone permanently, and even if they are – they’re adults; give them the space to make that choice for themselves.
I’m not going to say you’re a “nut job” for caring about this but let’s face it: without mandated registration or logins, or a requirement for everyone to use a unique username to identify themselves, this is not the same type of community as a closed subreddit or an old-school bulletin board. I like the anonymity here and it allows me to ask questions and talk about things I really can’t talk with people about IRL. I do care about y’all – some of you more than others, lol – but I don’t feel like I have “relationships” with anyone here and I don’t, therefore, feel like I have an obligation to maintain relationships and chase after people who choose not to be here. I have wondered if some of the folks who seem to want more connection and less anonymity would be better served creating an open or closed subreddit where people would have usernames and you could follow or block people, etc. Kat hasn’t created that structure, in the many years the blog has been up, I assume because she doesn’t want to. And she’s the blog owner, so it’s her choice.
I honestly think that this community kind of is what it is, and people need to take it or leave it. It’s fine to leave it – I have. It’s fine to come back – I also have done that. It’s not okay to want it to be something it’s not and try to force people to behave in a way that’s not reinforced by any kind of rules or structure, or the conventions other communities follow. If you need something from this community that’s very different than what you’re getting, the answer is finding another community that’s a better fit with your needs.
anon
I’m the commenter at 12:10 above and I agree with all of this as well. I have been part of communities that required registration (so you didn’t have to disclose your real name, but you had to have a stable pseudonym) and that had very strong community norms (in many cases that were set out explicitly) and active moderation. This community isn’t that – it’s more porous and less stable. Before there was Diana Barry there were multiple other popular, named commenters who also left entirely or dropped their names. At some point you have to accept this for what it is.
Anon
I agree with every word of this.
anon
+1
Yes this.
Cat
Well said.
Curious
Thanks. I think this may be where I need to land.
Anon
Pugs made an erroneous assumption about the number of people who feel a certain way. She waded into that all on her own. And you keep restarting it.
Anonymous
Right. You’re doing it again. Now. For a third day. For literally no reason.
anon
+1
Anon
I was asked by my grandboss to provide feedback on my new boss as part of our annual performance cycle. I’ve had to do this in the past but curious how others handle this request, particular questions around “opportunities for improvement”? I like my boss, so I’m really not sure what to say…
Anon
It’s fine to be 100% positive and say you have no suggestions there.
Velma
A general tone of “off to a great start” is fine. If you can think of particular processes that you’d like the new boss to reexamine in the next year or similar, it would be fine to point to those–but I wouldn’t recommend saying anything negative, since you sound quite pleased.
I read a lot of 360 feedback from staff for people on my team. Only about 30% of respondents put anything at all in the “improvement” field. Many of those responses are simply “Keep up the great work!” So there’s really no need to invent areas for improvement.
Chl
It’s fine to be totally positive. Sometimes I’ve also seen people do this well by citing something that’s good and encouraging even more of it, or they they take on something bigger or broader to put their talents on a bigger stage.
Anonymous
If you don’t have anything for improvement, how about more of what your boss does well?
-Continue to include staff in X
-Staff loved XX, would like to see more if it in the future
-Weekly 1:1s are very productive and keep her staff plugged in, keep it up.
OP
Thank you all, this is really helpful feedback – particularly from those who have sat on the other side of this and seen what comes in. Appreciate it!
Anon
I know that my boss is extremely defensive so I have given up on saying anything that can be remotely construed as criticism. I don’t need the fallout.
Guilt About Generous Gift from SO's Parents
SO and I are in the early stages of planning a wedding and Im super excited! His parents are relatively wealthy and have offered to give us money (five figures no strings attached) we can use for a wedding and/or house (we’ll probably spend about 2/3 on a wedding). We didn’t expect any money from them and are incredibly grateful.
On the other hand, I know traditionally the bride’s family pays for the wedding.
I was raised by a single mom who has always made really good money but is terrible at saving and is very impulsive. I know she wont have any money for my wedding which is fine (I would also decline if she were to offer more than $1k)! But I know she would feel very self-conscious about the fact that my future inlaws are paying for this wedding and I’m anticipating projected guilt trips and rude comments when this is supposed to be a joyous occasion. Ive been working on overarching issues about my mom in therapy for a while now which has helped a lot (past me would not accept the money at all out of fear of her reaction, so baby steps lol!) but any advice from you guys would be helpful!
Anon
Do you need to tell your mom where the money came from? Just act like you’re paying for it yourselves.
Anon
+1
Anon
This! She doesn’t need to know!
Anon
I’d have probably one conversation with mom in the moment if she says something passive aggressive. Something along the lines of being thankful for the unexpected gift, and also express that your mom is valuable in your life and that you didn’t do anything to deserve her being rude to you.
After that, this is an excellent opportunity to use the “gray rock” technique. If she says something rude, just “huh,” and then move along. Don’t react to the comment in any way that will be interesting to her. People who pick like this enjoy the reaction, and often times, it takes the wind out of their sails if you are boring intuit regard.
OP
This is really helpful thank you. Ive had to use the gray rock method in the past with her and while it was difficult it really helped.
Cat
I wouldn’t tell your mom about the gift. Also, not what you asked but I’d seriously consider whether you want to spend that much on a wedding vs. a house. I was very happy with how my own wedding turned out (large event, parents paid) but realize I would have been equally happy spending $10K on an amazing restaurant dinner party for our families and a few friends…
Anon
+1000. I think it’s a huge mistake not to put it into the house since your in-laws gave you the choice.
Anon
+1. If OP does spend it on a wedding, OP should be prepared for the in-laws to get very involved in wedding planning since it’s their money. Money always comes with strings.
Anon
Wouldn’t the house come with strings too? Having the in-laws plan my wedding seems better than having them choose my house.
OP
Theyre pretty reasonable people and dont want to be very involved in the planning unless we want them to (we definitely plan on inviting them to tastings, venue tour, etc.). I agree with Anon @12:13pm – knowing his parents, if we were using all the money for a house they would want to be WAY more involved.
They actually already gave the same amount to his sister and she did 50/50 – they weren’t involved in the wedding but have VERY strong opinions about the house which is fine but I would find that more annoying tbh
Anon
Without an any way, discounting your own experience, I can tell you it is not universal. My parents gave me money to help offset the cost of my wedding, and there were no strings. I mean they might have been upset if I had not invited them, but otherwise, their input was limited to “that sounds lovely!“ to every wedding related query.
There is a tendency to assume that everyone’s family of origin is similar to one’s own, just like there is a tendency to assume that one’s own experience of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting is the same as one’s own. But I can tell you from personal experience that some parents just want their children to be happy and a gift is just that.
Anonymous
My parents gave me a big check after I got engaged, with a note saying that it was for the wedding or a house or whatever made sense for us. It was entirely without strings and it was zero pressure whether I even cashed it. They did the same for my sister. My sister spent it on a house. We spent ours mostly on our house, partly on the wedding, and partly to help with moving and new baby costs.
Anon
I would have the wedding you planned to have in the absence of the windfall and then use the windfall towards a house. You avoid the issues of both possible inlaw interference and a fight with your mother, still have the wedding you had expected, and are steps ahead towards buying a home. Win, win, win, win!
Anon
+1
OP
We actually have enough money to buy a house on our own. We’ve been saving for the past 3 years and were actually planning on eloping/microwedding until his parents offered to pay for a wedding/home/whatever. We’re seeing this gift as a chance to have the wedding we would like but would keep the remaining 1/3 or so towards a home buying and/or repair fund.
Anon
This is wonderful :) Congrats on all the changes, OP!
OP
Thank you! We feel really blessed :)
Anonymous
People are allowed to want to have a wedding. Particularly when they’re not going into debt for it. Let’s not low key shame someone for wanting a wedding.
Anon
Exactly! I hate the wedding shaming that seems popular around here. Someone will say they want a wedding then there’s a parade of people who did a $16 fruit tray and married in the swamp in their sister’s back yard in front of the only two neighbors who were home at the time.
There are very few times in our lives when everyone who’s important to us gets together in one spot for something happy. It’s not unreasonable to want this type of party, especially when she can afford it.
OP
TBH I used to be this person until I had started going to more friends’ weddings post covid. I used to think of it as a just “wasteful party” but now id really like the opportunity to have all our closest family members and friends in one place and treat them to a nice experience.
Also, as Ive started going through this process, ive become a lot less judgemental of people who prioritize spending a big chunk of change on weddings (as long as they can afford it without taking on debt) – I get it now.
anon
Without knowing your mom, I don’t know how to advise you on how to talk to her about this. That being said, my parents paid for most of my brother’s wedding because my SIL’s family was extremely financially strapped at the time. The choice my brother and SIL had was to have a very low-key wedding so that her parents’ contribution was meaningful even if my parents covered most of it. (e.g. her parents could only contribute $1,000 so my brother and SIL kept the total wedding cost at about $5,000 – those aren’t the exact amounts but it was along those lines.) It sounds like you have a complex relationship with your mom, but I think that it is often tough for a bride’s parents if they feel they should pay for the wedding but can’t afford to – even if the relationship with their daughter is not fraught.
I guess the question here is what what would your mom rather you do? If she feels like she should pay but she can’t pay, are you just supposed to…not get married? Like, you can address the part of her feeling that might be reasonable sadness that she’s unable to help, but the portion of her response that goes beyond the reasonable just has to be her feelings.
anonshmanon
Zooming out from your individual issue, it’s just so fascinating how we humans hold ourselves back in the name of tradition, over and over again. I’m sure your mom has had more than her fair share of challenges as a single mom, but will be reluctant to accept this gift from people who can easily afford it, because it’s not tradition. And your anticipation of her lashing out (perhaps to cover her own discomfort) is making you uncomfortable enough to worry about this gift. And for what? What is being preserved here except an arbitrary rule that someone made at some point, rooted in the concepts that women are property and men are superior.
Anon
Agreed. That rule about the bride’s family paying for the wedding is outdated. It’s based on the antiquated notion that a woman is a financial burden and is the property of her parents then her husband.
Of my girlfriends who got married in the last few years *none* of their parents paid for the entire wedding. Most of bride’s parents actually paid a smaller share because the groom’s parents invited more guests. Generally the parents contribute what they can afford based on their income and the number of siblings. If your mom has this idea stuck in her head then explain that it’s not how weddings work in the 21st century.
Anonymous
1) Do not tell your mother about the gift. It’s none of her business.
2) “Mom, fiance and I are planning to pay for the wedding ourselves”
3) Consider not spending all of this gift on the wedding (if it’s $10k then maybe- but if it’s 90k save some of it!!)
I got married in 2005. At the time, my parents were recently divorced. They [my dad; my mom did not work] paid for the reception and ceremony which were ~10k all in (~$80pp). DH and I spent another $10k or so of our own money on rings, photographer, that sort of stuff. ILs paid for the rehearsal dinner and then surprised us with a check for $10k (“we thought the rehearsal dinner would cost more!”) and we used half of that to upgrade our honeymoon and the other half went to savings. My mom wanted to buy my dress so I budget shopped for it with her and she bought it.
We did not tell anyone’s parents anything related to money. They were all invited to our wedding, which we planned.
Anonymous
What if anything happens to me, a lowly commoner, if the debt ceiling doesn’t get figured out? I rent so I don’t have a mortgage, I have a car loan, I have some savings (low 5 figures not more) – will inflation get worse? Will my business not be able to borrow?
Anon
How does an adult get their hearing tested from an unbiased source? I suspect my husband has some hearing difficulty (there’s a fair amount of “what? What did you say?) but I suspect most places that sell (expensive) hearing aids are likely to say it’s a big deal. I think he should get it tested as a baseline because it’s not affecting his life really (office job, age 48).
Cat
a doctor. Start with his PCP.
sfchic
Honestly, most likely his ears are full of wax!
But the easiest way by far is to make a free appointment at Costco at one of their sites that has a Hearing aids center. They will look in his ears and tell him if he has wax. And they will do a hearing test that is sufficient to get you started.
And since most people love a Costco trip, it is easier to get a resistant relative to go….
And no – Costco wont oversell him. Their technicians are great and do not get paid on commission. It’s great customer service and much much cheaper than going to an audiologist at your local clinic/medical center. They get their profit from overselling you expensive hearing aids.
Anon
Thanks for this intel!
Anon
Is there really a reason to do this if it’s not affecting his life? My husband, around the same age, just did this, and I honestly don’t know why he bothered. I guess he just wanted to make sure it was normal age related hearing loss and didn’t have some other cause? The doctor just told him to come back when it was causing enough trouble to want hearing aides. In the meantime, his wife should be patient and not try to talk to him when he’s in another room or there’s a lot of background noise (I’m definitely guilty of trying to have a conversation while walking out of the room clearing and washing dishes). Hearing aides won’t help with that anyway.
Anon
I should clarify- he did do the testing and it showed mild hearing loss. It’s fine when talking face to face in a quiet setting, but he has trouble with a lot of background noise, especially because he also has tinnitus.
Anonymous
https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2021/hearing-loss-and-the-dementia-connection
Anon
That doesn’t address the situation here, which is someone with mild hearing loss. When it’s not yet bad enough to do anything about it, what’s the point of going to the audiologist?
Anon
+1 I know someone with early on-set dementia. Same person had/has mild hearing loss for years from working with heavy machinery without hearing protection. Correlation does not equal causation but I won’t be able to shake the connection.
Anon
It really is being researched as a known association (though it’s all still unclear). https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2021/hearing-loss-and-the-dementia-connection
Anon
It is good to have a baseline to compare hearing loss progression. Some hearing loss may be due to something that can be fixed or warrant an ENT visit. For instance, hearing loss worsening in one ear may be the result of a tumor.
Anom
Not being snide, but men have issues hearing women’s voices. Does he have trouble hearing other people or just you? I’m not saying that he shouldn’t make an effort to hear you or that he shouldn’t do something about it. But it’s an issue. My DH asked about this at a doctor appointment a few years ago bc he thought he might have hearing difficulties but his doctor found nothing. Just can’t hear his d@rn wife.
Anon
I always thought my husband was losing his hearing a bit because he doesn’t hear me when I say things. But over the past few years I’ve gotten into birdwatching, and if I say something like “do you hear those cedar waxwings?” He honestly doesn’t hear them. I’ve tried with various bird sounds since then, since cedar waxwing calls are so high pitched. He can hear lower bird calls like mourning doves but somewhere in the mid-high range he loses it. He has an appointment scheduled now!
Senior Attorney
OMG many years ago I was going insane because I thought my then-husband wasn’t hearing me. It wasn’t until after I made an appointment to get his hearing checked that he admitted he’d just been ignoring me the whole time.
Anon
I had my ears tested at a place that sells hearing aids and did not walk out with a hearing aid even though I do have some hearing loss. They said it was something we should monitor. They’re not all hard sell places. Read reviews and ask for recommendations.
Anon
Go to an audiologist.
Anon
I tried to plan vacations with two groups of friends for this summer and neither trip materialized for various reasons. I’m single so no partner to travel with, don’t love traveling alone (despite being an introvert it’s felt very lonely when I’ve done it), and I also don’t see myself enjoying group travel with strangers (see introvert). I know I’m sounding like goldielocks, but I just really wish I had my own person/people to travel with. I’m feeling really bummed about another summer without a real vacation. What do I do?
Cat
oh man, groups are hard to wrangle. What if you plan a few shorter getaways with just one friend at a time?
Anon
I have a husband who hates travel so I feel this even though my situation is different. I travel with my mom and have also accepted the need for solo travel – that’s a broad term that encompasses lots of different things. I’m never going to enjoy wandering the streets of a new city by myself but I’ve enjoyed spa resorts and yoga retreats. Would love to do a surf camp or something. I’m also an introvert and these aren’t too much for me. You can really choose how much you socialize but even if you keep to yourself you feel less alone (or at least I do).
aBr
+1 to travelling with a parent. At least in my family, it’s one of the few times where you get to interact with your parent as an adult, rather than a parent, especially if you can travel with only one parent (as opposed to the unit of mom and dad). Don’t discount going on a trip with just dad. Something about travel just disrupts the normal relationship and you can get up to no good in a new city.
Anon
I totally agree! I really treasures trips with my mom and dad separately.
Anon100
Are you me? same situation and… I’ve just kinda leaned into solo traveling. also an introvert so I don’t chat people up in places I visit (my extrovert friends love doing it) but I do greatly enjoy being able to spend an entire day learning about the history of a town without someone else wanting to do something else. sure, I feel very lonely sometimes too when there’s no one else to share a great meal at a little cafe for the 10th time on a trip, but I do try to check in with my friends back home and think about how worse it could be for me. ymmv.
But maybe you should try group travel for a short trip (5 days?) and see if you feel less lonely? I’ve considered it, but just haven’t figured out a destination.
Anon
Find one friend who’s a travel buddy. Groups are impossible but one person is easy. And don’t overlook the coupled up, the moms, etc. – know your friends but you probably have one person who would welcome getting away. I’m married now, but was single for years and regularly traveled with girlfriends in these categories. And I still do.
Anon
I wish my married mom friends were like this. They can barely find time to get together for a drink, nevermind travel. And any travel they do is exclusively with their partners and children.
Anon
+1 I’m a married mom whose down to travel with girlfriends but I don’t have any who are. They all save their PTO for trips with hubby and/or kids.
Anon
Would Rancho La Puerta be of interest to you? It’s on my very short list of vacations my divorced, introverted self really wants to go on. Honestly one of the main things I miss about being married is having a 6’4″ man to travel with. I always felt safe.
anon
Like another poster says, find yourself a travel buddy rather than a group. I have two that I travel with (separately) and they’ve been solid at following through. With that said, I’ve also traveled solo a couple of times and really leaned into the freedom of not having to discuss every decision. I’ll be on a solo cruise this summer and I think it helps that I get my alone time on the ship, but also a structured itinerary in terms of group excursions so that I’m not just wandering aimlessly by myself.
Anon
One friend > groups for sure. I also just got back from a trip I had planned as a solo, but a few weeks before the trip a married friend asked if she could join, so it turned into a non-solo trip for most of it. Somewhat of a unicorn situation, but I think for her it took some of the stress out of it for her when it turned out she was free and really in need of a vacation.
If you have a parent around, I’ve done a lot of traveling with my mom and I know I’ll treasure those memories a lot one day even if at the time I was wishing I had a partner to travel with to some of those places. I also think solo travel can be wonderful if you frame the trip around seeing something you’ve always wanted to see, and also an opportunity to dig into the pile of unread books everyone has. I find city travel to be the best, because I can walk around at my leisure all day, bring a book and sit in a park or cafe when I need a break, and I generally pick a hotel with a balcony/roof deck/nice lounge so I don’t have to figure out what to do at night, which is when I feel loneliest on a solo trip. I prefer Europe for this – I’ve loved Amsterdam, Rome, and Copenhagen especially for solo travel.
I also scratch this itch with shorter trips to visit friends who live elsewhere, who almost always are happy to have an excuse to change up their routine and hang out.
Runcible Spoon
I’ve done a lot of solo travel — generally to well-known destinations, and either ahead of time or once there, I pick a day tour group from Viator or similar. That gets me to the highlights, and then my alone time is for poking around markets, walking around neighborhoods, stopping at cafes, browsing at second-hand bookstores or specialty museums. Sometimes I travel for the purpose of going to a specific museum exhibit, or a specific performance or two, and then fill in the remainder with finding a local therapeutic massage place, or getting a local facial, or just sitting by the hotel pool with magazines and books. Just don’t hold back because you can’t find someone to travel with — it’s too much of a challenge to try to mesh adult lives and schedules perfectly. Also, you can travel to locations where old friends live to see them plus do the touristy stuff on your own (or possibly hosted/escorted by them, if they are available).
Anon
The hubby and I recently returned from Vegas and now I am feeling so so insecure about myself. While in Vegas, we went to a burlesque/striptease show (topless cowgirls, etc). It was DH’s idea to go, but I agreed because I was also curious myself to see a show. Anyways, the show was fine and we had great s** when we got back to the hotel room. We stayed in Vegas for another night and the following day he kept making “jokes” abut strippers, stripclubs, and even the signs all over Vegas for escorts/prostitutes. Some jokes were harmless, but others were blatantly about how much he would love to go to the strip club. So, after hearing this all day, I thought I’d give him a little treat and when we got back to the hotel room I proceeded to give him a striptease in our made-for-voyeuring hotel shower. About 2 mins in, he walked away nonchalantly and started drying off his hair (he was in the shower before I got in there). I felt absolutely mortified and embarassed. I mean, those ladies could have gone on for HOURS and he would have sat and drooled.
Now, after this weekend with all his comments and the striptease-gone-wrong I feel terribly insecure. It’s not something I want to discuss with him until I can understand why I feel so insecure and hurt and whether my feelings are reasonable.
Fwiw, we’ve been together 5 years, married for 1. We are both in our mid-twenties. We are both in shape and good looking. He’s never cheated on me before BUT his buddies took him to a stripclub for his bachelor party and he got multiple lapdances. He hid this from me until a few days later when he randomly came clean. I think a big part of this insecurity stems from this incident as it is so out of his character to lie, although he did voluntarily tell me about it and we discussed how much it bothered me. For the record, I do consider lapdances cheating and I would never want himto go again. But this weekend has got me paranoid that it’s only a matter of time before he goes again and gets lapdances or worse.
Am I crazy? What do I do…
Anon
You’re not crazy, he sounds like a giant jerk. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Anon
Youre not crazy, this is gross behavior and would really turn me off. Honestly, this just makes me think of the Barbie movie slogan: “She is everything. He’s…just Ken.” He made gross comments all day and your response wasn’t to get mad or confront him, but to try and work with it and do a s3xy striptease?? He doesn’t deserve you!
anon
I think there are two things going on here:
– You feel like by dropping hints he is trying to push you toward a type of s*xual experience you’re not comfortable with (either together or separately).
– The way he responded to you made you feel ignored and hurt.
The combination of these two things, coupled with the fact that he did something you consider to be cheating, has made you feel insecure in your relationship and like you cannot trust in his attraction to you or his respect for the boundaries of your relationship.
Do I have all that right? If so, you need to talk to him, at a time when you are not actively upset. Try to be clear about the two things going on here, because while related, I think they have separate resolutions. You need reassurance regarding his attraction to you and you need comfort that he will not violate your trust.
Anon
On the scale of things, strip clubs are so very minor. I’d personally indulge it. It’s the novelty angle and not really different from what you find online. And I think lapdances as cheating is a bit much.
anon
It’s up to the commenter, though, whether those things are acceptable in her relationship. None of it is acceptable in mine (and nor is “what you find online”).
Anon
It’s not up to you. OP gets to feel how she feels.
Anon
This is how I feel in my relationship but it doesn’t matter what you and I think, OP gets to decide what she’s comfortable and not comfortable with and what the rules of the road are in her relationship. Her husband violating the agreed rules isn’t ok even if you don’t think the rule makes sense.
Anon
I think you’re overreacting a bit. Guys like strip clubs because of the novelty. You doing a strip tease in the shower isn’t really the same thing. Which isn’t to say that you don’t deserve points for effort but I don’t think he’s a bad guy for not being super into it.
Anon
But he is a rude jerk for reacting the way he did. Just walking away when someone is doing something vulnerable is very unkind.
Anon
I agree with the other person who said maybe he didn’t realize this was A Thing.
Anon
I do not think lap dances are cheating. Would you consider yourself as having cheated if you were at a friend’s bachelorette party and got a lap dance from a male dancer?
Anon
She gets to decide what is or isn’t ok in her own relationship, just like you do.
Anonymous
Honest, devil’s advocate question: when you were in the shower, did you make it super clear that you were performing for him? Like “you have been talking about strip clubs all day, it got me thinking you’d like a show. Sit down and enjoy!” Or was it more like sexy dancing in the shower? (sorry if this is a dumb question, I’m not entirely picturing how this went down since if you are in the shower aren’t you already mostly naked?)
Maybe I’ve been married too long but if this happened to me and DH, I’d say “hey, i put myself out there dancing for you earlier today and I was pretty hurt that you just walked out of the room. What’s up with that?”
Anon
He owes you a huge apology. And lesson learned – this kind of entertainment doesn’t work for you as a couple.
anon
If the concern is will he cheat, I don’t know/I don’t think he’s given you a reason to be concerned. I still find the rest of this kind of gross and it would definitely impact how I think about the relationship going forward.
Anonymous
Your feelings are reasonable but I think you’re right to tread carefully. I can imagine him feeling a bit like he was set up to fail. You knew the strip club had been an issue in the recent past, you agreed to go with him anyway, and proceeded to get upset at him for doing the thing that you already knew upset you. Do I think he was dumb for suggesting it in the first place? Absolutely, like I really can’t even with him. Do I understand that “asking” is really a way to pressure you to be a Cool Girl and go with him? Also yes. But this is your husband, you have to be able to set boundaries.
I think you approach it like, you wanted to give it a try because you were interested too. But it wasn’t the fun experience you thought it would be. You didn’t like seeing your husband ogle other women. You didn’t feel like he had the same level of interest for you. He clearly had a really good time but you very much did not enjoy it at all. You would like him to comfort you by showing a ton of enthusiasm for you by doing XYZ. If your DH is like mine, he will appreciate having a solid action item at the end of a feelings-oriented conversation.
Anon
This is why I firmly believe people should not get married in their mid-twenties. Very few people are actually ready for the “one person for the rest of your life or at least the foreseeable future” thing until their early 30s.
No advice, OP, other than hopefully he will grow out of this soon. You are not obligated to do anything s*xually you don’t want to do, and I will also say, the women I know who participated in things like swinging or threesomes to make their husband happy always, without exception, ended up getting divorced anyway. Either you’re enough for him, or you’re not. If you’re not – best to find that out right now so you can go your separate ways before kids come into the picture.
Anon
That seems like a logical leap. Mid-20s is not exactly a child bride.
Anon
True, it’s not. But every single person I know grew and matured and changed a lot between 25 and 30. And if they are mid-20s now after being together for 5 years, this is probably their only adult relationship.
some people get married in their mid-20s, and grow together and have a great life. But I know a lot more a couple so I got married in their mid-20s and either were divorced within five years or just plain cruel to each other and I don’t know why they are still together because at least one of them seems to hate the other one in the couple
Anon
What a jerk.
Cb
What are you weirdly nostalgic for?
The hot dog on a stick comment above gave me mall nostalgia. I grew up in the Bay Area, but live in the UK and our shopping centres aren’t the same. I could happily go wander around Stoneridge or downtown Walnut Creek for a bit, get an iced tea, go to Barnes and Noble, eat a pretzel…
Anon
Real bookstores. Big ones that sell books not stuff. Alas.
DC Pandas
Stonridge mall was quite the spot! I grew up in Pleasanton- it looks so different these days.
Anon
I used to shop there when I was just staring my career and living in a tiny apartment in Castro Valley. I called it Stonehenge. Then I moved to the city and shopped at Stonestown, which also got that nickname.
Cb
I grew up in Brentwood and that was the best bit about getting my license, being able to drive to actual shops.
Anon
I feel like our shopping centers aren’t the same here anymore. Nordstrom is pulling out of downtown SF and that entire shopping center appears to be going bust. Walnut creek is still nice and where I do most of my in-person shopping, but I don’t do a ton of in-person shopping so it has been a while.
Actual malls like enclosed spaces are going the way of the dinosaur.
Anon
I think this depends on geography. The number of malls is decreasing everywhere, sure. But as someone who lives in a cold climate with lots of snow, our large local indoor mall is still very active. (Sure, some of them have closed are dying. But the ones that remain are still busy). There is no way I’m going to one of those new artificial “downtown” malls in the winter
Anonymous
I miss the department stores that had everything you needed, lots of staff to help, and a lunch counter/restaurant.
Anon
Bombay street food. Always.
Lil
One of my direct reports is graduating this week! She been superwoman at both work and school and I know that isn’t easy. I’ll write her a card and I’d like to get her something to mark the occasion. We are federal employees the gift needs to be $20 or less. Mid 20’s, moving into the city post graduation, what would you like?
Anon
With an amount so low I probably wouldn’t bother trying to come up with a gift, a nice card would suffice. Can you take her out to lunch?
Anon
I would have appreciated $20 especially when I was younger! I know the women here are filthy rich but $20 is not nothing to a lot of people especially a mid-20s student.
Anon
+1
Buying coffee was a HUGE treat at that age. I probably splurged on a latte once a quarter (and never bought regular coffee because what a waste of money when I can make it at home). $20 would get her 4 lattes!
Lil
fancy local coffee shop GC it is! $20 is because that’s the personal gifts limit per ethics at my agency. clearly hasn’t adjusted with inflation. :-)
Cora
$20 gift card to a fancier local coffee shop? I used to do that with my sister – give her gift cards to local places so she could easily have a pre-paid-for treat
MBAMags
What about something for her new work desk like a lovely pencil cup or fancy post-it note holder? Something to remind her of this time in her life and think of you and your support fondly.
Anon
I’m an established upper income worker. Someone gave me a $20 Peet’s card last week and I was and am delighted!
PJ
Same! I will enjoy the $20 or use it to treat someone else.
Anonymous
Flowers, take her to lunch, or a gift card I guess. $20 isn’t a ton so i’d try to find ways to fudge that in a gift vs just giving her $20 to starbucks.
Anonymous
Gross. There is no need to “fudge” anything. A $20 gift is not valueless or cheap, especially to a recent grad interested in public service.
AIMS
When in doubt a Starbucks gift card works. I don’t even especially like SB, but still appreciate getting them because I will end up using them when I am traveling (in the airport) and it would have been great to get in my twenties when a fancy coffee wasn’t always in the budget or you end up meeting so many people for informational coffee, etc.
Runcible Spoon
I would double-check on the gift limit with your agency’s ethics counselor — the Code of Federal Regulations suggests that on special, infrequent occasions, including an occasion that terminates the superior/subordinate relationship (i.e., not annual occasions, such as birthdays), you may give a gift that is traditionally appropriate to the occasion, and one of your subordinates may solicit voluntary contributions of nominal amounts from fellow employees (but you may not solicit contributions from subordinates or contractors), to contribute to the gift. So the $20 nominal limit may apply to each person who contributes, cumulatively. In my office, we traditionally pool the $20 (or less) contributions into a gift card.
Anon100
if you can’t give her a gift card cash equivalent, I would have appreciated a fancy chocolate bar or a nice bag of coffee or tea, something just a bit fancier than the usual boring supermarket items. flowers? it’s hard to find a gift under $20 these days.
Anon
Thanks for the Allbirds recs last week. They came this weekend and I wore them yesterday. Comfortable right away although not particularly supportive. Now to put my orthotic in and see if that works, but I will be sad to lose that comfy wool insole.
It will take some getting used to how giant I feel like my size 10 feet look in them. I got the tree pipers in a navy upper with white sole. I bought them directly from Allbirds and shipping was incredibly fast.
Anon
My therapist, who I have been seeing for several years, is moving. My last appointment with her is this week. My therapy was coming to a natural end anyway, but she has seen me through some difficult (and good) things/stages. Would you get her anything? Wine and a card? Just a card? Nothing?
AIMS
I think a card is plenty.
Anon
Just a card. More probably isn’t appropriate, plus people who are moving really, really don’t want more items to deal with when they’re already overwhelmed with stuff to pack and get rid of.
Cora
I’ve recently realized that toast + peanut butter + jelly (open faced pb&j, if you will) for breakfast keeps me very full – more than eggs, greek yogurt, etc would. It’s the combination of protein and fat right? I thought cheese would also give me that but apparently not. Basically I’m trying to find other meals that keep me full like a pb&j does.
AIMS
I add Peanut Butter to oatmeal for the same effect. Jelly would be optional, I personally like savory oatmeal but if sweet is okay you can basically sub toast for oats and go with that.
I also like hummus on whole wheat toast with an egg over it & find that to be pretty sustaining.
Anon
I’m also a big fan of peanut butter on toast, though I usually do an apple instead of jelly. For me, it’s fiber+protein+fat. I like lots of things on whole wheat toast or tortillas (think breakfast burrito), including various combinations of avocado, scrambled tofu (can make a big batch in advance and reheat in the microwave), roasted veggies, pesto, beans, or hummus.
Anon
I definitely need fat in my breakfast to keep me full. I like greek yogurt, but I get the full fat kind.
Anon
Same but sliced banana instead of jelly.
Runcible Spoon
Core and slice an apple, and smear some hummus on each slice, for a filling, protein-rich, low carb meal. Hard boiled eggs will do it for me, too, but I see that eggs don’t work for you. Maybe scrambled eggs or an omelet with cheese, or mushrooms, or chopped ham? And it’s a cliche by now, but avocado smashed onto buttered toast?
AIMS
Any recommendations for a hairstylist in Manhattan that would be good with wavy hair? Would like to get a real haircut for the summer and go a bit shorter than my usual long hair which is starting to feel very blah and my regular person has disappeared and I am nervous about going to just a random person.
Anon
I was grocery shopping on Saturday and found myself standing in a long checkout line that was 100% women, while there were at least 5 shorter checkout lines open with at least 1 man in each. I woke up to the fact that I had chosen to inconvenience myself rather than risk interacting with a strange man. Potentially, so did the women standing with me in line. Do you do this??
anonshmanon
Can’t say I do. Always going to the shortest line. Is there any specific context here? Are you living in a really unsafe area?
Anon
Of course not. How much interaction are you really going to have with a man in a grocery line.
Anon
Nope.
Anon
Nope. Wouldn’t have given it the first thought.
anon
I mean this as kindly as possible – if you are concerned that a strange man is going to do something inappropriate in a grocery store checkout line, that represents a level of anxiety that I think is worth a conversation with a professional. I do not think twice about getting in a line in a grocery store with men.
Anon
Doesn’t it kind of matter whether the anxiety is well founded or not?
If negative interactions were happening twice a week before starting to avoid likely suspects, that seems different to me. I remember when I was younger starting to feel like I couldn’t go anywhere without men twice my age initiating awkward, forced conversations that felt like excuses to interact. Maybe that’s not “inappropriate,” but it’s a drag.
Anon
Even in my younger, hotter days if I got an unwanted approach I could freeze the guy out with a look or a well-chosen word or two and that was the end of it. And that happened much more frequently in, say, a bar or restaurant than in a check-out line at the grocery store.
I don’t know – maybe it’s that I’ve always been kind of medium-pretty and not so much of a goddess that men just can’t help but approach me in grocery stores? But even my friends who are former models have never reported to me that they need to go out of their way to avoid interactions with men in grocery-store lines. I just wonder if this is an actual problem or a manufactured one, by which I mean, it’s being manufactured by the OP’s brain.
Anon
This!
Anonymous
I once had a man lose his mind at me in a checkout line. It was very scary. No one came to my aid. The cashier whispered, are you ok, only after the man had left the store — and yes she still whispered even though he was gone, because she was scared too. This was in a Whole Foods, in case anyone is thinking “geez what kind of neighborhood was this” – yes crazy violent men exist in the burbs too.
This is not an isolated incident. I’ve had men follow me up and down aisles. I once had a man follow me until we were alone in an aisle and grope me, he didn’t let me escape until I threatened to call the police. I’ve had men “accidentally” grab my rear or brush their hand or other parts against me. Most of the time it happens so fast you don’t know how to react, or you think, huh maybe it was an accident, until you later see him smirking at you.
I’m not going to go through life in fear or not doing things I want to do, but given a choice between interacting with a man or not, I’ll choose not. So please consider, when you tell people to seek help for their “unreasonable” anxiety, there’s a reason a lot of us prefer to just avoid men as much as possible.
Anon
I feel like seeing all men as potential predators is a problem, though. You’re choosing to live in fear of 50% of the population, and 99% of those people wish you no harm and are just moving through their lives with minimal awareness you even exist. I feel like you’re centering yourself in some kind of narrative that fits with a conclusion you have reached that men are dangerous and to be avoided, and I don’t think that conclusion is universally the truth. I have had my own negative interactions with men, but they are so few and far between I’m not going to let those few interactions dictate how I live my life. I’ve had negative interactions with older women, too – one elderly woman started screaming at me in the post office for accidentally brushing her arm when I was reaching for a pen – and I’m not going to go around saying “older women have hairtrigger tempers, I’m going to avoid them all, all the time, at all costs.”
Anon
I go to the shortest line regardless of who is in it, unless they smell bad or are visibly unwashed. Do you have a fear of men? There is zero requirement that you interact with them or anyone else in line.
Cat
No. It’s a grocery store.
Anon
Wtf?
Anon
This is possibly the weirdest question ever posted here.
Anon
This is possibly the weirdest question ever posted here.
Anon
Given the number of people who feel the need to carry a weapon and drive a giant SUV just to go to the grocery store, her question isn’t *so* far away from behavior that’s considered acceptable by large swaths of the US but is also bonkers.
Anon
No, not even close.
anon
IDK, is it more or less weird than “is my water bottle professional?”
Also, man, remember how much this blog used to focus on whether something was/wasn’t professional? Anybody else recall “A ponytail higher than your ears may be suspect”?
Anon
It’s definitely in the top 20.
I just…have never ever in my life thought about getting in a longer line to avoid talking to a man? I’m usually just trying to avoid having to make awkward small talk with anyone – male, female or otherwise, lol.
I would say I’m actually more wary about chatty older women than I am about men; I’ve had more than one checkout-line brief small-talk chat turn into a long conversation it was hard to extricate myself from, when I just needed to get my groceries home before the ice cream melted.
Anon
Same. I’m introverted and avoid little old ladies.
Anonymous
No. Never.
Anon
No and I’ve never observed anything like this either.
NYCer
Never. This literally never crosses my mind.
Anon
In certain situations, yes. Not in a grocery store line, though. But I do understand generally where you’re coming from.
Anonymous
I look at the number of people in the line and the number of items in each basket, not the gender of the people in the line.
Seventh Sister
Honestly, I tend to look at who has the most items in their cart and pick the line where people mostly have baskets as opposed to carts. Unless it’s very late or a guy seems drunk/high/having delusions (yay city life), I don’t tend to avoid men in checkout lines.
Anon
Shortest line always.