ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 256 Comments

Weekend Open Thread

blue floral dress

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

If you're hunting for something pretty for a graduation- or wedding-related event, this floral dress from Chelsea28 looks really cute — and commenters really seem to love it!

A few sample comments from reviews:

  • I’m on the curvier side but it was extremely flattering :)
  • I felt like a siren in this dress
  • Perfect Summer Dress
  • I ordered many dresses to try, and this was the winner (by far).

Sounds wonderful!

The dress is $79-$99, comes in regular and plus sizes; regular sizes have four color options (although a few are already down to lucky sizes).

I can't find anything similar at this price point with more than lucky sizes, but I will note that NordstromRack has a ton of really cute Maggy London dresses in a similar vein for around $50.

(Not similar at all, but soooo pretty.)

Happy weekend!

Sales of note for 12.5

256 Comments

  1. Has anyone hired someone for more regular help around the house, like putting away laundry, doing dishes, whatever else needs to be done? Where did you find them, how much do you pay, any tips?

    1. Has anyone hired someone for more regular help around the house, like putting away laundry, doing dishes, whatever else needs to be done? Where did you find them, how much do you pay, any tips?

    2. Our house cleaner (one woman, self-employed, paid hourly, working with us for years) evolved into this. We paid her well and gave her plenty of time to do the usual cleaning and she always did small things without asking once she knew the house well (eg. doing dishes, putting them away, sleeping the porch). We also hired her for enough time to rotate in deep cleaning things (eg. clean out fridge one week, clean floors in the dirtier storage type basement another etc…). As as the house got cleaner/more organized, we asked her to take out the trash/recycling. Then added laundry! And honestly, now we ask her for anything that is helpful for us that day.

        1. Once a week.

          If she was a more interesting cook, I would ask her to stay longer and to make 1 or 2 batch meals a week. I have a friend who has her cleaner/home helper do this.

    4. I thought about it.
      Ultimately I decided I wanted that money ($30 an hour was the lowest I could find at the time…) for other things and adjusted my housekeeping routine.

    5. Many moons ago before starting my “real” career, I was a nanny. Eventually as the kids got older and demanded less attention, my job evolved into what you’re describing – keeping the house tidy, laundry, running errands, basically everything to keep the household functional. So maybe ask friends if they know of any caregivers who might be willing to take that kind of job on.

      1. +1 – our sitter is evolving into more of a ‘driving nanny’ which for us means doing the school runs and then while my kid does homework (or in her extra time) she’ll do things like go to the post office, return packages, fold adult laundry, feed the pets, run errands, pop to the grocery store midweek, etc. We have weekly cleaners for the proper cleaning, and we guarantee her a set number of hours a week (though we often send her home early if we don’t need anything else that day).

    6. I sort of have this. My cleaner comes once a week on Friday for a “deep clean” (+ washes/puts sheets back on). I pay a flat rate for this. She also comes on Monday for a few hours to do light cleaning and any other tasks/chores I request. I rotate through bigger cleaning projects like windows, fridge, oven, cabinets, light fixtures, etc. I pay hourly ($40/hour) for her help on Mondays. I tried having her help with laundry but since it’s sort of a week long affair and I’m very particular, it didn’t really work out.

    7. Yes: laundry, unpack deliveries, unstack dishwasher and clean kitchen, take out recycling and rubbish, vacuum, mop and change sheets. $55 an hour and two hours three times a week.

      Takes a few weeks to settle them in to the way you like things done and you have to be prepared to cut them some slack.

    8. I found mine on card dot com. She grocery shops, cooks dinner, does laundry and cleans. It’s fabulous.

  2. I’m looking for a tote that can fit a work laptop + notebook, look professional, and can be squished flat into the bottom of a suitcase for travel. Does anyone have either the Rothy’s or Cuyana ones and can speak to their pack-ability?

    I usually travel with a suitcase + weekender-size bag, but the bag is a bit too big to cart to the office I’m visiting. TIA!

    1. I’m not sure if there’s another Cuyana tote that you are thinking of, but the leather one with a zipper that I have, while certainly foldable, would take up a lot of space and get pretty squished if you put it in a suitcase. That said, it is really big so maybe could be used instead of your weekender bag.

      For what you are describing, the best bet is a longchamp tote — they are meant to fold and be packable. I always have one in my bag when flying in case I end up returning with more things than I left with. They have a new line with an all-black bag (or all other-color), if you don’t like the contrasting handles.

      1. Agree with the Longchamp. I don’t carry one as my everyday bag, but it’s indispensable for travel. OP, what you’re looking for is the le pliage.

        PS I also have a much-loved Cuyana tote and probably wouldn’t squish it that way, even though mine has become somewhat squishy over time.

      1. I think this is going to be my winner! I’m going to run over to the store today and grab one!

        (Thanks for all the other recs too! I should have mentioned that I for some reason never loved the Pliage style, which is why I was looking for something else.)

        1. The Tori Burch tote could work — it will definitely fold and squish flat into your checked luggage, whereas the Tumi tote might not squish down as flat. Only thing is it is definitely a tote-tote, i.e., doesn’t look like a purse or ludicrously capacious shoulder bag, and has an open top (not zip top or magnetic close), but it will hold a laptop, assorted office papers, a small purse, cardigan, water bottle, etc., etc.

    3. This is what I think Lesportsac, Baggalini, or Kipling are great at. Those brands are slightly more casual but are lightweight, packable, functional and durable.

      1. Yes 100 percent Team Baggalini for nylon tote. Love this for travel, very well designed and durable while looking polished. I don’t like putting a beautiful leather bag on dirty airplane floor and then it also doesn’t easily pack in a suitcase.

  3. TW: weight loss

    How have you gotten rid of your visceral fat? I am in a personal training program twice a week that focuses on overall strength, but I still carry a lot of excess weight in my midsection. Trying to figure out what I should do on my off days to build my core strength.

    1. Even if you strengthen your core to high heaven, you won’t get rid of visceral fat unless you eat in a way that causes you to lose fat. I hate to say the “diet” word, but that’s what it takes for most people. A change in eating habits so that calories in are less than calories out (I know there are a few exceptions, but for the majority of people)!

      The reason I say this is because fat doesn’t convert itself into muscle with working out. You also can’t target a certain area of fat to lose. You go for a calorie deficit and the fat comes off however it does.

      Also I don’t mean something faddish or unsustainable. You don’t have to restrict calories to a huge degree to lose fat if you’re willing to go slowly.

    2. Building core strength (while awesome for you), won’t lead to weight loss in the midsection. Really, the only way to lose weight is by changing your diet. You can’t target areas for fat loss, though. That’s genetic.

    3. You gain muscle (and endurance, speed, etc) at the gym, but you lose fat in the kitchen. Much to my chagrin…

        1. +1

          I never had a belly until menopause and now I’ve gained inches in belly fat in one year. I am hoping that starting hormone replacement therapy will help some. But it is hard to fight the hormones. I have also had to change my diet.

    4. For core strength I love pilates, especially reformer pilates. You’d probably need to diet to work on visceral fat, but if you’ve ever been pregnant there are also certain types of exercise you can do to improve a larger midsection due to diastasis.

    6. To answer your question, yes. My midsection is several inches smaller than this time last year. Like everyone said, you lose fat in the kitchen. My exercise habits shape the muscles and the way I eat slowly melts the layers of fat hiding the muscles.

      My goal was to change my lifestyle, rather than lose a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time. I focus more on getting protein from lean sources (chicken, seafood, orgain protein powder, peanut butter, hummus, nuts) and eating fruits and veggies. More homecooking or salads and wraps from Trader Joes, less takeout. Fried foods, baked goods, and alcohol are occasional treats instead of regular parts of my diet.

      I don’t feel deprived because I enjoy everything I eat. I exercise intensely 3-6 times per week.

      BUT I also accept my stomach is never going to look like it did when I was in my teens or my 20s. I birthed some people and I’m getting older.

      1. I laughted at “birthed some people” – I did too! I’m glad I birthed those people, but my belly carries the souvenirs. It will never be the same.

  4. Our lawn is always overrun with weeds. Do we just have to dig up each weed, or is there a better way?

    1. Our lawn is always overrun with weeds. Do we just have to dig up each weed, or is there a better way?

    2. I believe there are some herbicides that kill just about everything but grass. (Some of the weeds might be bad kinds of grass though.) I think onions/garlic have to be dug up.

      For next year, you can use pre-emergents that prevent seeds from growing to prevent weeds before they happen.

    3. You can treat your lawn, which is of questionable popularity right now. If you have a million weeds hand pulling probably isn’t what you want to do. I have a yard infested with lesser celandine and no amount of pulling can help that situation. But, for some weeds, it might be a great choice.

      1. I’d never noticed lesser celandine before this year, and I swear it is everywhere… including my yard, my neighbors’ yards, and all the local parks.

    4. We don’t do anything about them. I don’t want a chemical treatment because it’s bad for the environment, plus we have kids and dogs who play on the grass, but there are too many for hand-weeding.

      1. +1 I do nothing. I think grass yards are awful so I let mine do whatever it wants plant wise.

    5. I am trying to cut down on use of the weed killers, which kill some of the important insects in our area. So I manually pull the dandelions, but I leave everything else in my grass lawn. Seriously. Clover is green and short and blends in great and I love the purple flowers that come with it! In fact, clover lawns are even trending because of ease of care.
      Most of our weeds are short and green anyway, so I leave them. Why waste your time/money/health on having a homogenous lawn? Even better cover it with cement or wood chips and have a fun outdoor hangout area in your backyard.

      1. Same, I let everything grow in my lawn that wants to except onions (I don’t like the smell and they grow so tall), which I hand-pull. My lawn is probably 60% clover, 20% lesser celandine, 20% grass and ivy, and I cut it after the clover flowers. I don’t understand using chemicals that kill pollinators and hardier plants and may be carcinogenic to maintain grass that requires more watering and maintenance at all unless you’re actively using it a play place for barefoot kids (and even then i probably still wouldn’t use chemical weed killers).

        1. This is my ideal philosophy, but I’m learning I would need a completely new kind of grass to make this work (which would be a huge project).

          As it is, the grass I have just doesn’t outcompete weeds, and while I would love a clover lawn, I don’t appreciate thistles and burrs, or plants that need constant mowing to keep in check.

          I haven’t decided what to do going forward, but I really wish I had it treated last fall at least to keep seeds from sprouting.

          1. What kind of grass do you have? I have tall fescue, which is pretty standard, and I now have clover and other grasses/weeds in various patches. It looks fine.

          2. I would love fescue!

            I have one of those weird stolon type subtropical grasses that dies back in winter and comes back long after weed season gets rolling in the spring. It’s definitely the kind of lawn that is meant to be a single carpet of exactly one thing.

          3. I had to look up stolon – it includes Bermuda grass, which is the one thing I absolutely mercilessly pull as soon as I see it!

          4. Yes… you can see how switching from a Bermuda type grass to fescue might be a big project! I did get a quote for a lawn service that could make the switch, but it was a lot. I have to decide whether to use weed control so things don’t get out of hand during those awkward weeks of spring while the grass is still dormant, or basically just start over.

      2. I would have never thought of clover as a weed! Don’t people intentionally use that for ground cover?

        1. It was considered a weed, but I’ve intentionally clovered our lawn, it’s denser and easier to maintain than grass.

      4. Same here, and this year I haven’t even spotted all of the dandelions.

        You can take a match to the fluffy seed flower of an already-bloomed dandelion. Even if I’m trying to pull it up, those things are going to fly everywhere otherwise. And it’s kinda fun.

    6. Weed B Gone kills weeds in the yard but not the grass. We use that on dandelions. If you have things like thistles, it’s best to dig those up. Those things spread way too easily. In our old house, the neighbor had a yard full of thistles that migrated to our yard.

    7. We’re hesitant to use herbicides because of our young kids and veggie garden.

      But the main weeds in our yard are dandelions and other taproot types. The step-on, long-handled type weeder (Grandpa’s Weeder, don’t get any imitators) works amazingly well on them. Pick them off in the spring when the ground is still loose and then backfill with grass seed.

      Now we’re left tackling the onion bulb type weeds.

  5. Are cropped Levi Wedgie jeans still in? I need something for summer and the fit sounds promising for my pear-shaped self.

    1. Could you or someone explain what they mean by Wedgie? Like, do they really give you a wedgie? I’m not sure I understand, but I would think that would be something to avoid.

      1. A small one, yes. They fit so they separate the bum cheeks.
        I also think it’s something to avoid.

    2. I do not know if they are tending but they aren’t skinny jeans so that’s something I guess. I am also a pear and I absolutely love them for me. I have both the cropped and full length and they get a ton of use. They don’t stretch out and they aren’t so expensive that I would feel like I needed to baby them. But they are thicker and maybe pretty hot for summer.

  6. Do any of you wear thin chain bracelets on the same hand as a watch? What is your secret? I keep seeing this, mostly in pictures, and I like it but it makes no sense to me how the bracelet doesn’t get ripped/snagged in the watch.

    1. I do but I’m not sure how to answer your question, what you’re describing
      just doesn’t happen?

    2. my watch stays in one place since it’s a relatively snug fit, and then if I also wear a bracelet, it hangs out below the watch (closer to my hand). YMMV if you have a really chunky watch band and want to layer bracelets on both sides.

    3. Counter: I have destroyed two bracelets by moving them mid-day to the wrist on which I wear my watch. I was able to have them repaired, but it was time and money spent. I don’t mix bracelets and watch any more.

    4. I used to do this until I lost the bracelet. (left it in a hotel room!) Mine was a larger link bracelet a little like the link necklaces that are popular now, and it didn’t snag on anything.

    5. Wearing this now. I think it works bc the bracelet is between my watch and my hand, and I wear my watch a little looser than usual, so the bracelet stays put because it can’t get over or under the watch. It’s also a bit of a thicker chain.

    6. I have several tennis bracelets that I wear between my watch and my hand. There is some movement, sometimes a thin bracelet will slip under the watch face and/or band, but generally, the watch and the bracelet pretty much stay put.

  7. What brands do you find run small vs which ones run big? I was pleased that I had to go down a size in Madewell jeans (33P to 32P), but the Talbots jeans I thought would be big were all a bit tight (18WP).

    3. IME vanity sizing is only a thing up to a certain point – I’m a size 18/20 and it doesn’t really exist at my size.

      1. I know people say EF runs big all the time, but their look is also boxy. I think they fit as intended, but people size down to have less of an oversized look.

    5. Talbots seems to run big in misses sizes and true to size in plus. That has been my experience on both sides of the break point.

      1. I don’t know about running big or small, but I love Talbots for their sizing consistency over the years.

    6. With there being no standard sizing system, I can never tell what is “small” or what is “big”… I mean, they have different numbers on the label but they are the same size when I put them side by side…
      I’m constantly checking sizing charts and hoping for the best, haha.

      1. This is the truth. I’m currently wearing pants in sizes 12, 14 and 16. They all fit the same, more or less.

  8. How many of you feel a bit swindled by ‘boss woman’ mentality that we were fed as girls? I was an overachiever, super ambitious kid, and I feel like I dreamt of adulthood as being work-to-dinner outfits and glamorous skyscrapers in NYC. My dream was to become a lawyer, and to have suits and command respect.

    The older I get, it feels like a scam. You get straddled with student loans, have to work grueling hours, are exhausted most of the time, and even then don’t feel ‘rich’ and definitely not glamorous. I feel like a lot of women on this board did all the right things and wound up a bit stuck feeling or overworked.

    1. I definitely thought I would need more ‘day to night’ business dress and makeup looks than I actually ended up needing.

      1. Turns out it was just one more scam to encourage women to dress sexier at work. Go figure

      2. Ha. I did a lot more “day to night” in my 20s (read: meeting up with friends for drinks after work) but all that involved was putting on lipstick.

        1. I’m in my 20s and almost every night I’m meeting a friend for a drink, going on a first date, or grabbing dinner out and 95% of the time I wear exactly what I wore to work: same clothes, same shoes, same hair / makeup. I don’t even refresh my makeup.

          Obviously if my plans are later (and first dates usually are) and I go home first, I will change but if I’m straight from the office I wear whatever I was already wearing.

          1. Like the OPs, I was led to beleive that if I got succesful, I would have my pick of men in Manhattan, but as it turned out, it was the opposite. The quality guys wanted bleach blond bimbos who would do anything for them (and did), while I had a law degree, and men were afraid of me b/c they thought I would show them up (which was true). My grandma Leyeh told me to hold my ground, and quality would come to the top. It didn’t. I wound up with an accountant who couldnt pass the CPA test and wound up drinking away his days in my apartment while I went to work. What a waste. Then other men would not date me b/c they thought I was with him, which wasn’t true after I threw him out w/ Dad’s help.
            So now I am over 40, single, and with my only prospects being over 55 year old bald men with kids who are over 20 years old–too young for me unless I want to be a “cougar” which I dont.
            I think women should snag their guy as soon as possible — even b/f gradueating from college, and take the chance they will grow up, rather than waiting and finding out they will be losers. I made that mistake, but don’t you do that either! FOOEY!

    2. It’s not a scam so much as a fantasy, like thinking you would make it to the WNBA if you’re good at basketball as a kid.

    3. In 2014 I joined our local Lean In chapter. We met once a month to push each other to make big steps in our careers. We formed lasting friendships and actually had a girls’ trip last weekend, where we all talked about how miserable we are in our new, high-paying, long hour jobs and are now trying to “lean out.”

      1. +1 This is exactly what I’m talking about. I feel like leaning in and climbing the corporate ladder make most people absolutely miserable.

      2. Without shading what you have with your group – which sounds amazing – this was always my problem with Lean In, which was that it created this completely unrealistic idea than any woman anywhere from any background could “have it all” at the highest level. According to an incredibly privileged, connected white woman with an uncommonly supportive husband who unfortunately figured out after he tragically died young that whoops! Oh no hahaha this is actually way harder than I thought it was!

        Every woman I know who “leaned in” and really climbed the ladder ended up in a place they didn’t really want to be: overworked, focused on stuff they didn’t really care about, and not as happy as they thought they’d be. And putting up with a lot of BS from men that Sheryl said would magically evaporate once you got to a higher level of leadership. Turns out, all that pesky “cultural and structural inequity” stuff is absolutely a thing and you can’t defeat it just by trying really really hard and being spunky and speaking up in meetings. And also, what makes someone else happy might not make you happy. Even when the person who’s telling you what should make you happy is the COO of Facebook.

        I also joined a Lean In group back when the book came out but quickly got disillusioned when I saw people Leaning In and ending up with everything they wanted except happiness, peace of mind, time with their families, and an inner sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. So I quit Leaning In, and leaned out of my career and focused on building an inner and outer life that means something to me. I am not rich and do not have an impressive job title, but I’m pretty happy with my life and I’m not really interested in climbing any farther than I have. I wonder what it would be like for us to encourage young women to pursue what brings them fulfillment and happiness, vs. pursuing what consumerism, capitalism and to a degree, feminism tells them they should want.

        1. The only valuable thing she said in that entire book was the one sentence in which she said that the most important career decision a woman makes is whom to marry.

          1. This! I liked the book I’m when I read it years ago but the most important piece I got was be careful who you marry.

    4. I don’t see it as a swindle but rather something you have to make happen if you want that life. I did and designed my life that way. I do wear suits, have a big job, work in a major city and do a lot of desk to dinner type events. But I also decided not to have kids, married someone who’s as I to the vision as I am so the lifestyle works for us. There’s tradeoffs and it’s okay to decide you no longer want something.

      1. I agree with this. Pre covid, I was working in Manhattan and either going out on a date or attending a workout class every night until Friday when I would crash and resume my fast paced life on Saturday with a morning yoga class, an afternoon of cleaning and going out again Saturday night. I had a blast with so many crazy dating stories. I also traveled solo internationally a few times. My life was like an adventure pre covid and pre my now live in bf. This was mostly in my early to mid 30’s. You gotta create the life you want and yea I was constantly exhausted everyday but it was fun! Ohhh and I left law at 32. Best decision I ever made!!

    5. I mean all of the men I know are in the same boat? I think it’s a problem with our economy and not with being a girl boss

    6. Not exactly what you’re describing, but I really wish my parents had the kind of focused and intentional discussions with me about finding a life partner that they did about finding a career. My marriage and family are much more important to me, and much more significant sources of fulfillment, than my job, but there was always just sort of this assumption that a relationship would happen on its own (and be successful on its own). I made a really bad choice with my first husband, and I feel like if there had been more conversations about what a good relationship looks like, I might have realized before marrying him that this was a bad one. It’s weird, if you think about it, that we push career success so hard that you have an entire generation whose youthful dreams of adulthood didn’t include marriage and family (even though the overwhelming majority of women want that). We focus on such a narrow slice of what makes a happy life.

      2. This is a good point. I feel like I completely lucked out in finding my DH early in life. Because if I hadn’t, I think I would’ve made some life choices that would’ve been baller in the short run but would’ve felt miserable in the long run.

      3. Yes, I completely agree. The choice of who to marry is one of — if not THE — most important decisions we make in life. It’s also important to level set with kids/young adults that marriage and parenthood is work, and you need to be willing to constantly grow and change and accept other flawed humans into your life. Maybe even suggest therapy from the start :) We prepare so much for tests and research colleges and careers, when there is so much personal/relational development work we ignore.

      4. I’m thinking about this a lot now that I have a daughter who is likely to be an only and after seeing my grandmother pass away at 97. My grandmother had both a fulfilling career as a nurse and wonderful relationships with her family and lots of friends that I feel contributed to her (mostly) great health and positive outlook.

        I’m not sure I want to emphasize partnering up to my child (since that isn’t fully in someone’s control), but I do want to talk about how vital it is to actively nurture relationships with people who are in your corner.

        1. Oh! And my grandfather was a cheating scoundrel who left her with a bunch of young kids for another woman. My grandmother never remarried, but dated a bit and was genuinely one of the happiest people I’ve known. So while who you partner with is hugely impactful, it’s not just romantic relationships that matter here for a fulfilling life.

          1. That is absolutely true and something I feel strongly about as well. Being part of a community is critical.

      5. Good point. As I am 37 and it seems like I will be single forever at this point, I could kick myself into not putting in more effort into a relationship 10 or 15 years ago.

      8. Agree. We talk to our son about the fact that it is almost impossible to raise a family and enjoy life with both parents working full-tilt speed. My husband had his own company and worked from home that allowed him flexibility in taking care of our son. I worked for the State and that allowed me time off from work as needed. These are life choices that come down to basic values. It is funny that DH and I have many diverging views on politics but we seemed to have the same ideas about parenting and family life.

    7. Uhhh, I think a lot of that is just called being a grown up. I don’t feel swindled just because there are parts of life I don’t like now that I’m an adult that I didn’t have to deal with as a child.

      1. Yes. I feel the same way about home ownership, owning a car . . . basically all of the annoying things that you spend money on as an adult. Home ownership is something we were all told to strive for but man, it’s expensive, and a lot of work, and I really wish I hadn’t bought in sometimes but now it would be more expensive for me to rent so swapping doesn’t make sense.

        Anyway, I find lots of adulting (lol) to be a scam!!

    8. I am tired of being in my mid-30s and looking around the proverbial room and constantly being the most senior woman attending the meeting. Or when I mentally calculate the percentage of women in my practice group (old) or division (new) and it’s at, what, 25%? 20%? I just didn’t anticipate that every. single. woman. would downshift in this decade of life and it’s very lonely to keep trudging onward, by myself. It’s part of the reason I post here, as it’s the last place I know of where I can find peers in a workplace who can offer advice and perspective.

    9. I think this is late stage capitalism — we’re past the glamour phase and staring into a grinding abyss. Gen Z seems to be acting accordingly.

      2. I agree. For the sake of society and the planet we need to move away from consumption and acquisition as the driver of economies and figure out some kind of new model. What we’re doing now – this whole “unrestricted capitalism” thing – isn’t working, on a lot of levels. Many people have figured out that houses and cars and jewelry and designer goods aren’t really providers of true happiness. So – what now? Gen Z is absolutely growing up with the idea that trading years of their life sitting in a cube 60 hours a week so they can buy a 1400 sf bungalow for $1.2 million isn’t necessarily the world’s greatest trade off. Can’t wait to see what happens from here.

      3. Ok I agree with this. I think as a 40 year old I sort of noticed that I the white collar professional grown ups I knew when I was a kid almost always lived a very comfortable lifestyle and lived in nicer homes than those they grew up in. I thought a white collar professional career would allow me the same. That didn’t happen me or for most of us. Gen z sees us overworked and drowning in debt and still not reaching the levels of success that the boomers had at our age and it makes no sense to grind away to further line a still-working baby boomer’s pockets.

        1. Exactly. Many of us had the rug pulled out from underneath us. I guess it made some people ridiculously rich instead of merely rich, but it’s destroying the country.

      4. I don’t know, I think we’re doing much less grinding than all the factory workers in the 19th/20th centuries, all the farmer pioneers in the 19th, etc etc. What I take from this post is that the workaholic life was held up as an ideal and now we’re realizing that “success” and fulfillment is mostly derived apart from work.

        1. Why would you compare office workers to farm workers and factory workers? There are farm workers and factory workers today as well (including migrant labor, prison labor, etc.).

          1. You make my point. This board largely (only?) has office workers, and it’s unfair to act as though the office epitomizes all the “grinding” evils of capitalism.

      5. Is part of late stage/unrestricted capitalism that there are just so many more people doing it now? Not just that there are twice as many humans on the globe as there were when I was in elementary school, but that in the US, many, many more people now have the opportunity to finish college (or more) and have the fancy office jobs than did when I was in elementary school.

        This is a good thing, obviously, because it means that there is less (not none) discrimination and more (not enough) diversity. However, it also means much, much more competition for scarce resources. (That doesn’t have to be true; if enough really smart people put their minds to it, I am sure that we could design an equally large and diverse world that served more people and served them better. Whether there is enough collective buy-in to then implement it is another story.)

      6. Lololol, it’s been “late stage”;since WWI if you’re into Marx . . . I don’t think they were hawking Lean In then.

    10. Oh, completely. I feel like I’ve gotten where I’d dreamed of being, and it’s … fine? But I personally feel overwhelmed a good chunk of the time and can’t wait for the day when I can lean out. And I’m not even in a Big Law job, just a management position in a normal one. What ticks me off the most is that the bar keeps moving higher and higher. So I’ve decided that I’m working to live, rather than living to work, and I no longer aspire for anything more.

      Getting a white-collar job was supposed to be my way out of living in a rural area. And it was. But, at the end of the day, work is work, and at least in my past blue collar life, I could see the literal sh!t in front of me rather than being surprised when I step in it.

    11. Not at all. Of course career success is hard work, but I am so glad that I have opportunities my grandmothers didn’t have, including going to schools that didn’t admit women when they were young. I also think a “traditional” life and more flexible lifestyle jobs are celebrated and promoted in most of the US.

    12. I wrote a few weeks ago that my biggest regret was not marrying rich. I stand by this. I’m a reasonably successful attorney by most standards but not nearly smart or hard working enough to make myself actually rich. A very rich husband would have serve me better than law school and really the time to find one was about twenty years ago.

      2. Finding one to marry is one thing. Staying married and not becoming one of a series of younger and younger wives is quite another.

        2. I’m quite happy that I’m alive in a time when I can be the rich man my mother hoped to marry.

        3. Yes, this. I knew from a very very young age to never rely on a rich husband who will trade you in for a younger model when you’re 55.

      3. This is disgusting actually. Because you’re not smart and hardworking you want a man to support you? Maybe work a little harder.

    13. Magazines and movies only show the highlights: important presentations at the big meeting, going out on dates, swanky cocktail bars. Those things are probably part of your life to a certain degree. But there are plenty of unglamorous moments as well (grinding away solo at your desk, buying toilet paper at the drugstore, weeknight Netflix sessions in sweatpants). Maybe you have some nice clothes but internally are stressed about saving for a down payment. You’re aware of everything that happens behind the scenes but a young intern might think your life looks ultra glamorous at a distance.

    14. INAL (and thus don’t have law school loans) but I had a job I dreamed about as a kid in my early / mid 20s (and it felt very cool that I had “made it” so young). I worked for the federal government, wore pencil skirts and heels, commuted on the metro, went to happy hour, played in kickball leagues on the mall, and had a really interesting job that I liked a lot, but I didn’t like life in DC.

      So, I moved to my home city and got a similar job in local government. Same thing, I had a nice commute, I actually complained that my new office was less dressy than the old, I had an awesome social life and apartment and friends, but I worked a TON. Regularly worked 50-60 hour weeks, which during the pandemic turned into 80+ hour weeks. I did that for about 4 years (pre-pandemic and 2 years of the pandemic) and while I was still having “pinch me I’m actually doing the work I grew up dreaming about” moments, I burned out. I made between 50-60k during this time and it was becoming unsustainable.

      I now have a job I dislike (it’s in a skyscraper though) but is very 9-5. It pays much better (75k), but I still don’t feel rich. I’m back to needing to wear skirts and heels, but now I have a capsule wardrobe that I’m bored with so it feels boring instead of glamorous. I go to the gym before work, and get ready for work at the gym, so it feels rushed.

      Life is still pretty fun, but it’s not glamorous. I meet friends for drinks / dinner / to hang at their apartments pretty regularly (as in 5-6 times a week; when I lived in DC this was something I dreamed about), I am dating (sometimes fun, sometimes not. But, I didn’t have time to date before!), I play on kickball teams (another thing I had given up due to work), I love my gym and the classes I go to there, I love my apartment, I have hobbies (another thing I didn’t have time for before!).

      I was lucky to pay off undergrad loans early and pay my way through grad school (at the cheapest, in-state program I could find. Not glamorous). I drive a beater, so no car debt (but once again, not glamorous). I have never carried a balance on a credit card; some months I put money into savings but some months I pull from savings to pay my CC.

      I pretty much only thrift or shop at TJ Maxx, I do my nails myself, get my haircut 2x a year (by an amazing but pricey stylist), don’t dye my hair yet, even though the grays are creeping in, and buy very little that’s just for fun (and when I do it’s the cheapest version). I used to travel a bit on the cheap, but now that that’s not possible I just don’t travel now. I meal prep 85% of my meals; I only eat out or get take out if its part of a social gathering.

      There’s a lot I thought I’d be able to do now, but I still can’t afford to, which is really discouraging. This seems to mostly be due to inflation, but I would definitely feel more glamorous if I could go back to getting my nails done or could splurge on something nice. I feel like I was more able to do this when I was younger and making a lot less, and I can’t now. I now live alone, which is obviously more expensive than having 2-3 roommates, and I now spend a lot of my free money and time on friends’ weddings (no one got married til we were 28 or so).

      I occasionally wonder what my life would have looked like if I stayed in DC. But, then I go back and remember why I left.

      I thought opting out of the “big job” to job that involves working a lot less hours + pays 15k more would let me have more of the life I had once envisioned, but somehow it didn’t.

      1. Oh, also to add. I have NO IDEA how people ever afford houses, weddings, or decent travel. I don’t plan on buying a house for 3-5 years, but I am stressed about how I’d ever afford that. I feel the same way about needing a car if mine dies; even used car’s payments are more than I could comfortably commit to.

        When I (hopefully) have kids, I would like to step even further back from what I do now. My parents both worked full time when I was a kid, but in jobs that had hard stops and no work after hours (Dad worked 7-3, Mom worked 8:30-4:30. So, Mom dropped us off at school and dad picked us up. Both were able to take time to come to the school play or our soccer games). I do not envy seeing people I work with have to balance our jobs with family life.

          1. It’s pretty simple. They make a ton of money, have parents who help them or they are just going broke! I will likely never afford a decent wedding. Maybe a small apartment

          2. Both my kids are paying for their own weddings currently, and they have scaled way back from the types of weddings that many in their peer group are having. They will both have great days, but are successfully resisting the siren call of the wedding industrial complex. I get texts from both of them with “Can you believe that X costs Y! We aren’t having that!”
            I occaisionally feel a little bad that I can’t splash out for their big days, but console myself that I got them through both undergrad and grad school without loans and that’s more of an investment in their future than a cover band instead of a DJ.

        2. I think getting married is how people afford things. You can live in a one bedroom place on two salaries and sock one away into savings. It’s also very helpful if one or both parties have minimal student loans so they can be paid off quickly when two salaries are combined.

          And then you keep living on a relative shoestring as you described (TJMaxx, trimming your hair at home, very limited takeout) for years and years until you’ve achieved those other goals. I’ve been with my husband 15 years, married for 10, with three kids and we still live frugally day to day (we don’t even order pizza, we make it at home with grocery store dough and cheese; we opt out of virtually all kids activities and use public schools, etc) but we have a house in a HCOL area, two cars and a good 401k.

          1. Yep, getting married is a big factor. Also if you work in a HCOL area and amass savings, that money goes a lot farther if you then move to a LCOL area. Moving from the Bay Area to very LCOL Midwest town, we bought a house in cash and not having rent or a mortgage has given us tons of financial freedom. We spend something like 20% of our pre-tax income on travel which feels ridiculous but I’m not sure what else we’d do with the money. We save plenty for retirement.

      2. It’s unpopular advice, but you need to move to a field where you earn more. After taxes, 15k is a rounding error not a lifestyle change. The best thing women can do for themselves is get on a career path where you make real money. That’s how you buy yourself choices in life.

    15. I have a different view because I grew up around poor people who worked long hours but lacked basics like a safe place to live or decent schools. I work long hours, but I do it at a nice office or a safe home. I like my kids’ public schools. I lived below my means so I paid off my student loans and I make more than my parents ever did. Some times the days are hard, but this very of life is not that hard.

    16. I didn’t grow up in a family that pushed for success or ambition or a “big job”. I temporarily had those ambitions for myself, but grew out of it pretty quickly and now am happy in a low-key 9-5. There were a few paths I think I would have really liked that I chose not to pursue because it would have come with longer hours than I was willing to commit to a job. I may have enjoyed those careers more, but would I have enjoyed them enough to have large student loans that required me to work long hours? Probably not.

      While my family didn’t prioritize “big jobs”, we are very, very education focused. So, a lot of us have pretty fancy credentials but jobs that are lower key than someone with those credentials may typically have. For example, there are 5 teachers in my family and 4 of them went to Ivy League for undergrad (and one of them also has his MBA from Wharton). Two nurses in my family also went to Ivy League nursing schools (they both went Ivy for both undergrad and their NP degrees). There were three family businesses (all are now defunct), and all three were started and run by relatives with Ivy degrees as well (except the one who went to Duke). Almost everyone is doing a job that they absolutely love, but very few of us are rich.

      There also has traditionally been a focus in my family on prioritizing jobs that give you work life balance. All of the parents (so my grandparents, parents, and aunts / uncles) had jobs that allowed them to be home in time for dinner every night, leave work in time to watch their kids’ games, have their weekends and evenings to themselves.

      The focus very much seemed to be: get a good education, find a career you enjoy that will pay you enough for the life you want, enjoy the rest of your life.

      FWIW, in my family we have a lot of teachers, small business owners, people working in healthcare (nurses, a dietician, and a PT), and most of us work for the government. So, many people wouldn’t consider these to be “prestigious” or “big jobs”, we make enough but aren’t rich, but we enjoy what we do and have time to do things we enjoy outside of work.

      I am happy with having made this “tradeoff”. There are certainly days when I wish I made more, but I love having a job I like and a life that I like too.

    17. I’m a late-end GenX, so while there was lots of “women can do anything!” rhetoric when I was a young woman, the women in my (middle-class) neighborhood rarely had careers and plenty of them didn’t have jobs outside the home. My mom was a pharmacist and got a ton of sh*t from other moms about having a full-time job, even though it was a pretty flexible one compared to being, say, a lawyer at a big law firm or something. Even someone like Hillary Clinton had the fancy degrees but was also married to the current president. So what got said to women my age didn’t really match the reality, and I was a skeptical young person who wanted a good job but didn’t dream about being the CEO of Hudsucker Industries. I’ve been very lucky to find something I like doing that pays pretty well, and lucky to find a spouse that is a true partner ( most of the time), but I wasn’t ever girl who wanted to run everything so I’m someplace in the happy/content bucket. And the more rich guys I meet, the less I want to be married to one of them.

      1. + 1 to “the more rich guys I meet, the less I want to be married to one of them”.

    18. I don’t feel this way, but as I read your question I think that’s because I have no doubt I could have had the glamorous lawyer wearing suits in a NYC skyscraper life if I wanted it. I chose differently, and I’m happy with my choices. OP, were there choices you made along the way that led you off that path, or did you do all you could to achieve it and it was out of reach?

    19. Gosh I’m so tired of this narrative. You are an adult and being a person has challenges. Life can be a slog. It’s up to you to find your joy. You didn’t get swindled; you grew up.

      1. Agree. This is just life. There can be “glamorous” moments in any career, but work is mostly hard. This is why they have to pay you to do it. There are very few if any life paths that are all glamor and no work.

      2. I don’t know; I think it’s healthy to question whether our civilization is on the right path.

        1. I’m all for questioning society but at the end of the day you are the only one responsible for your own happiness. Also worth pointing out this post read very “I thought I’d have more money and status if I followed the rules and I’m upset that I don’t have the money and status” not a critique of society at large. Very prince Harry I am not against the idea of the monarchy per se but I am against the idea of a monarchy that doesn’t prioritize me

    20. Not at all. I’m from a poor family. I worked my ass off and now my kids are living a comfortable lifestyle. I’m so grateful and pleased that I live now and not in my parents’ generation.

      This idea that you got “swindled” is a bit myopic, frankly.

      1. +1 a lot of this is perspective. I have many peers in almost identical financial situations as me, although most of them had and have more financial parental support than I do. So many of them feel the same way as OP but I pretty regularly pinch myself as I cannot believe that I’m fortunate enough to live in the times I do and have the career/resources I do. My family wasn’t poor but money was always a worry. And now I’m in a position where I can throw money at problems rather than having a lack of money be the root of most problems. My social circle also is not generally filled with people in the professional circles I sit in. Comparison is the thief of joy and if you have surrounded yourself with richer or more successful or whatever metric you want to use for doing better than you, I can see how you’ll always feel a bit let down even if you are objectively doing incredibly well. I make about 10x what my parents make and it gives me incredible joy each time I am able to take my mom to a ballet (something we could never afford when I was a kid) or arrange for a car to pick up my brother from the airport (something for some reason I always associated with the epitome of fancy as a kid, really the cherry on top of the fanciness of going on an airplane). Sure I work really hard and, in my view, a lot harder than the guy making 10x what I make who I interact with in my job but it’s not like my parents don’t work hard either. I feel pretty lucky and am glad I bought into the girl boss narrative if you want to call it that. For me personally I have so many more options and opportunities relative to my parents.

    21. Nope, mostly because I don’t feel like I ever had “boss woman” fantasies. I was a top student but I was raised by college professors who expected me to follow them into academia and it’s not a very glitzy or high-earning lifestyle. I grew up in a tiny 3 bedroom home in a small Midwest college town and now live in a bigger home in a similar town, so there were no expectations to be crushed.

  9. I have a parent who I have a very difficult relationship with. Well, parent was diagnosed with a high mortality Stage 4 cancer about a year ago but has since had a near-miraculous response to treatment.

    Here’s the thing – I actually really only speak to this parent because I allow my children to have a relationship with their grandfather. I personally will never have more than a superficial relationship with him and spent most of my 20’s in therapy accepting this and moving forward.

    People are acting like I should be deeply invested in his ups and downs. Thrilled when a scan is good, heartbroken when the procedure doesn’t work. But really, I feel… neutral? Like, the same feeling as I would when my staffer’s mom had knee surgery. I obviously wish her the best, but it doesn’t really have a bearing on my life.

    I don’t owe people an explanation, and I make an active choice to not say anything negative in front of my children… But DANG. Don’t try to make me feel bad when I give you a polite, but not emotional response. Don’t assume what my relationship is with a person. That is all. I need to rant.

    1. I am just here to say that I completely relate to this. My father has been in and out of the hospital over the past year and a half plus havibg some other struggles taking care of himself. I make some effort and spend some money to make sure he is safe, which is a hassle and an unwanted expense but less of a hassle and less expensive than I would face if he were unsafe. But I don’t have any deep feelings about his medical status or longevity.

      1. Good vibes to you too. Yeah, sometimes you can make choices for a parent out of practicality, but understand that it’s not the same relationship others have.

    2. I completely understand and I think you are doing the right thing to avoid saying anything negative in front of your kid, but otherwise doing what feels right to you. I have also gotten judgmental comments from people for not being interested in the ups and downs of distant family members’ health problems (mostly an uncle who has never shown the slightest interest in getting to know me, but who has a friendship with a cousin I’m close with – said cousin was mad at me for not deeply engaging with her over his prostate cancer diagnosis). I wish him well, but when we have absolutely no connection or personal relationship, I’m not going to keep track of every appointment or mourn each setback. I think it is especially hard for people to accept that attitude from women because we have been so socialized to be caring, even when the other person isn’t interested in us.

      1. Yes, and I’m generally a caring human! It’s not something I feel like sharing with others, ‘Oh yeah, you guys sorta missed the years of closeted alcoholism and emotional abuse that I just didn’t mention because I choose to be a private person.

    3. Just wanted to send you my support and good thoughts. I have a sibling whose life I am not involved in at all and people don’t get it – in many of my friends’ families, siblings are EVERYTHING and that bond is for life. But I am very firm believer that being related to someone doesn’t make you family.

      1. Yeah. My MIL and FIL (with whom I am close and they are solid people) have different takes. My MIL on one level is like, ‘But it’s your DAD.’

        My FIL (who was raised by a stepfather when his bio dad walked out – although it’s messy) firmly maintains that you can have a ‘Father’ and ‘Mother’ by biology, but that ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ are earned by the people who show up for you.

    4. While I won’t go into details, I will say I understand and feel you deeply.
      I’m sorry you have to deal with those people, they suck.

      1. Those people don’t suck unless they know the backstory and are ignoring it. A normal reaction is express sympathy and concern and relief at good news related to a tough diagnosis. Assume positive intent here.

        1. They also suck if they continually get on OP’s case over her reaction regardless of what they know or don’t know.

          1. Agree. There’s no version of “you’re not grieving/celebrating correctly” that is well-meant.

          2. I just highly doubt anyone is telling OP she’s not grieving correctly. People don’t do that. She’s probably saying what’s going on and getting sympathetic “so sorry, oh that’s awful” responses. That’s not shitty, that’s normal.

          3. OP jumping in (very) late for clarification: no, this isn’t what’s going on. It’s more like my parent announcing big bits of medical news on Facebook and people who don’t really know me (think: my stepmother’s friends, relatives who don’t know me) jump to message me and act surprised that I’m not like… taking off work in celebration or mourning for each step.

            They’re telling people who do know me, so the people who know me are getting these weird messages about how I must be so X when really, like… it’s fine and not something or someone I talk about.

            I frankly would have no problem if people were just saying, ‘Oh man, that’s tough. I wish Parent the best.’ or even a simple ‘How is Parent doing?’ No, that is all fine. It’s more like… telling me how I should be acting or reacting? Being stunned that I was even able to go to WORK or FUNCTION after X news when really… I mean, I was told via a 3 word text message (I asked) and parent then posted a long thing on FB.

    5. I’m sorry. People are weird about illness and grief. My dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor when I was 24. The day after his diagnosis he had surgery to have the tumor removed and is now (over a decade later) effectively a toddler. My dad basically died when I was 24. But he’s still alive. He doesn’t know my spouse. He doesn’t know my children. He can’t drive, or learn anything new. He can barely walk. He can’t follow a conversation. And yet when I visit my hometown people STILL gush about his “miraculous recovery.” I’ve learned to just smile and say nothing. Therapy helped me a lot.

      2. More generally, everyone in outer grieving circles always seem to have STRONG opinions about how people in inner circles are handling their own grief – been there – and those people can go straight to hell as far as I’m concerned.

        I’m really sorry about your dad.

        1. +1 to the general sentiment that judgmental people who are in outer grieving circles can go kick rocks. It’s so hurtful and mean.

          1. There is a theory (?) that you should support in and complain out. If they have something to say about the quality of your grief, they should complain to someone in the next circle out, not to you.

    6. OP on this. Thank you (genuinely) for your replies.

      Parent had a procedure today. He didn’t get the desired outcome and it’s a total bummer. I checked on how it had went, but very shortly after he posted a Facebook status telling everyone it hadn’t worked. I should note that I’m not often on FB; however, I have people who don’t actually know me assuming a heck of a lot about a relationship that they know nothing about.

      They don’t know about the addiction, the abandonment, the verbal tirades. And frankly, I just moved away and lived my life and went to therapy. I owe them no explanations and need to remind myself that they are responding to the reality that they perceive, not the reality that exists.

    7. I’m so sorry.

      It is ok to just not share information about your family/mom/mom’s health with people. I just learned to quickly change the subject, and keep conversations very superficial with those folks. It’s just … better.

      1. Yeah, I don’t talk about my father, to the point that my coworker besties I had worked closely with for 5+ years actually were shocked when he came up in conversation. They both assumed he was deceased because I’d never mentioned him.

        This is coming up because he chose to publicly share this on Facebook – the procedure, his optimism, and then the fact that it didn’t work. I personally wouldn’t have opted to share it in this manner, but now it’s out there and people think I should feel a certain way.

    8. My family disowned me shortly before I got pregnant. It was horrifying how many people asked me how my parents felt about the first grandchild and, when I said that we no longer had a relationship, pushed me to reunite. I finally started biting people’s heads off and saying “It’s my job as a mother to keep my child far away from people like my former family. If you don’t understand that, count your blessings.”

      Thing is, when people hear about family estrangements, it scares them about their own family relationships. They want to be reassured that it won’t happen to them, or if it does, some well-meaning person can “talk sense” into the person who left.

      1. I think you’re right that it scares them on some level.
        I once gave way too much information to someone who kept pestering me because “that’s your parent”, and very much enjoyed seeing the resulting look of horror on their face…

        1. Yeah, I once snapped back at someone who tried to pull the ‘but he’s your FATHER card’ and then she told people I was ‘Severely damaged and probably had a drug problem.’

          To everyone, their truth is THE truth.

    9. This thread has made me sad because I also have family relationships like this and it’s so hard to explain to people who don’t get it.

  10. I am in love with the Khaite Lotus bag that Rava wore in the latest episode of Succession, but it’s way out of my price range. Any ideas on lines of bags that might have a similar shape but are priced more reasonably (ideally under $300)?

    1. I’m like this about the Puzzle bag, if you’ll allow me to tag onto your post!

      I just googled the Khaite Lotus and that is really cute. I wish I had a suggestion.

    2. Not under $300, but the Mansur Gavriel soft hobo has a similar silhouette and is about half the price of the Khaite….but honestly, that Khaite bag is gorgeous. I say save up and get the one you really want (said as someone who has often tried to buy cheaper versions and been unhappy and ultimately spending more than buying the one I wanted in the first place).

  11. I am hopeless at curling hair. I have a traditional curler with a clamp (1.5 inches) and a wand (1 inch). Hair is collarbone length, sometimes wavy and voluminous but sometimes a little straight and very flat, fine strands but a lot of them so thick hair overall.

    Issues with my hair’s texture aside, I just can’t figure out to actually curl my hair? I’ll do a section that comes out perfectly and then the next section looks like cr@p. Any tips?

    2. Get the tyme styler, so much easier to use (although watch the tutorials and practice a bit), a traditional iron never worked for me but that tool is aces.

  12. Last summer I bought a cotton tshirt dress in pink to wear over my swimsuit to the pool. But when I put it back on after swimming, I would end up with these giant wet spots at my b00bs and crotch where the dress clung to my suit. What kind of cover up do I need to wear if I don’t want this to happen? Will this happen no matter the color or fabric?

    1. I think it’s going to happen to anything you put over a wet suit. I usually sit by the pool for a bit (shade, please!) until my suit is semi-dry.

      I wear a linen dress over, I think being woven helps it cling less.

    2. If you want something that won’t show wet spots, you need a swimsuit like fabric (and you need a swimsuit that doesn’t have foam pads or water-absorbing fabric in the b–b area). However, you want most coverups to be breathable and not hot in the sun, so you kind a do want fabrics that show the wet spots. The solution is to really dry the wetter parts of you that caused the spots by patting dry a lot and then getting a cover up in a darker color (again, hot!).

    4. I love the Athleta Presidio for a coverup. There might have been some wet spots but it dries super quickly.

    5. You can’t wear cotton as a cover up. Look for something in a quick-dry fabric. (I’d look for dresses, not anything labeled cover up.) I’ll post a link of something that I’ve used and like.

    6. I’m pretty sure anything dry touching anything wet will get wet?
      A friend has a short terrycloth wrap that looks like a bathrobe that doesn’t cling, although it still shows wet spots. I’m hoping to find one like it myself this summer…

      1. I hope you get some rest and relaxation this weekend so you can come back next week and not have to feel like the only way to deal with your feelings is by being unnecessarily rude to people on this blog. Also: grow up.

  13. for those of you who try to have an annual budget for clothes — how did you set that? how do you assess it? i tend to go through periods where i buy a lot and then return a lot, so it’s hard to keep track of how it’s using my budget…

    1. I keep a running total of what I’ve spent in my planner. If I return something, I adjust my running total accordingly.

    2. I take screen shots of the items I keep with the price and item visible on the screen and then just add up my actual spend.

    3. Great question- I use mint to categorize expenses. One of the subgroups is Clothes, so it keeps a running tally for me. I love mint because I can see trends overtime, or create a “sinking fund” for clothes.
      If you wanted to avoid intuit, you can download your transactional data and use excel to sort/subtotal by vendor name.

    4. I keep a running talley in my (ancient, no longer supported by MS) MS Money file. Generally I feel like as long as I’m spending more on “charitable contributions” than I am on “clothing” (which I always am, by a long shot), I have my priorities in order.

    5. I set it more or less by deciding what felt reasonable based on my values and fine tuning by asking whether I’d rather have $200 more or less a year in the clothing fund vs. other funds. I allow for more after major life events like having a baby that chang my size. I maintain my budget with YNAB.

    6. I count clothes as discretionary spending so the amount I budget is based on what’s left over after the non-discretionary items are accounted for.
      As well, the amount I budget is set in stone so I am a careful planner when it comes to my clothes. I keep a detailed list of my needs and wants, shop primarily second hand, and am very picky about my choices. I only buy items that will last me several years, and get them tailored to fit if I need to, so sometimes I end up spending more on tailoring than I do on the clothes themselves (although thrift store cost + tailoring has alwas been less than retail so for me it’s worth it).
      I should add that I don’t have a separate budget for tailoring, it’s part of my clothing budget.
      I keep all of my recipts and a detailed running total sheet in my home office.

  14. What are your favorite food blogs for easy but healthy meals for families with picky eaters? Weelicious is ok but a bit too involved – would prefer places where I’m not blending and pureeing and so forth. I would prefer lower calorie, high protein, medium carb (so: we won’t do veggie noodles but I also don’t want rice or noodle casseroles)

    2. I use pinterest for this, but I’m not a blog-reader…
      I type what I’m looking for in the search bar and go from there…

  15. Has anyone made a big move in their mid-40s and what was your experience? I have a great life in a place I moved for due to a marriage in my late 20s. That relationship ended, and I’ve coasted here a long time but it’s never been where I thought I’d live my life.

    I’m a law firm NEP, so presumably could go in house somewhere, ideally on the East Coast. My current partner would move with me, no kids, but he also thinks it’s a bit insane to throw our lives over at this stage, and that we should just travel more. I just don’t feel like I ended up here intentionally and would like a change.

    Is this crazy? Dumb?

    1. Most people I know ended up where they were both intentionally but unintentionally. I live in the same metro area I grew up in. I intentionally chose to be near family and friends, so it is somewhat intentional. On the other hand, I was never going to not live near my parents, and thus I sometimes feel like I didn’t have a “choice” in where I settled down either.

      Most people I know live in their home metro areas for the same reason. A handful live in their spouse’s home metro area, but they aren’t from the area themselves. I know a few people who moved for jobs, but not a ton. I know a handful of people who really chose where they wanted to live, but honestly only a few. That felt more common in our early/mid 20s, but even by our early 30s most people I know moved back “home”.

      I lived in NYC from 22-25, partially for work, partially because I had some friends there too, and partially because I was young and wanted to. I moved back to Philly at 25 because I really didn’t like not living near home. I wanted the roots and the larger friend group and the family that I had in Philly that I didn’t have in NY.

      Even though NY was fun, it never felt like home. If you are happy where you are I would stay put!

      Any friend I know who moved after their 20s has mentioned how hard it is to make friends in a new city, especially if you’re starting over. I totally agree with your partner about why start your lives over again.

    3. It’s crazy if you have friends and a life where you are. That’s not easy to replicate especially as you get older. Something is making you unhappy and it’s probably not your geography.

    4. Hmm, I think there’s something to feeling like you live where you belong. For example, I’m a California. I’ve flirted with other places but I never feel any sense of belonging. I’m always happy to come back to my coast.

      2. Another Californian here. I never really felt like I belonged in my hometown and in high school, I wanted nothing more than to run out of there and never see anybody again. While I’m not really the typical Angeleno, I “fit in” here more than I would in other places. But mostly, I think it’s the city part, not the LA part. It’s hard to be constantly self-conscious when there are literally millions of people and no one will remember that you went to CVS in your pajamas and flip-flops (though I was glad my dentist moved out of Brentwood so I never again had to see any A-list celebrity after getting fillings). I’d probably be just as happy in another city.

        1. Oh yes, I’m originally from the Central Valley and while it feels familiar, home is the Bay Area, and has been since I left college (meaning I’ve lived here the majority of my life.)

      3. +1, also a Californian and share this sentiment exactly. Was raised here and always knew I’d come back because it felt like home and where I belonged.

    5. To sum up:
      You grew up somewhere, school until 19
      Then college/uni somewhere, 4-5 years?
      Moved at 27-29 to current area
      Now at 44-47, with new partner and “great life”
      With this backdrop you have lived 15-20 years of your life at current place. If your started working at 24-25, at least 75 percent of your adult life has happened at current place. This IS your home area in terms of work, friends, hobbies and all adult made relationships.

      That is gold compared to your college age fantasy self, IMO. Would not move permanently in your situation, but think about what you’re feeling, and why fantasy self is showing up (everybody’s entitled to a mid-life wobble!). Maybe travelling more would be perfect.

    6. It is so hard to make new friends. It would take a lot for me to give that up and go somewhere new where I had zero connections.

    7. Not crazy if you truly want to be in the new place for some concrete reason other than you didn’t pick this place. My dad always dreamed of living on the beach in New England, being something simple like a bartender. He was a bachelor for a long time then (unhappily) married, one non-custodial kid, so easily could have done it but just… never did. His family and connections were elsewhere, and ultimately he stayed there, the dream unrealized. He had a very nice life but the way he spoke about that dream makes me kind of sad for him that he didn’t/couldn’t just go for it.

    8. I moved to the San Francisco area at 42 with three kids after living in Chicago for 12 years.

      I’d say it’s worked out very well. I miss Chicago and my friends there, but we’ve made new friends and reconnected with some old friends (we lived in SF before moving to Chicago, and coincidentally some of our Chicago friends also have moved out here). It felt as if I was in a rut with my career in Chicago and getting out here helped to push me in a different direction.

    9. You could not pay me to move away from my community and start over socially as an adult.

    10. I moved out to the Westchester burbs from NYC at 45 with kids in later elementary school. I’m finding is crazy hard to break in socially, although I’m not naturally a super outgoing person. The people I meet are nice and friendly enough, but they don’t seem to be looking for new friends. This is the opposite of what it was like living in NYC where people are used to transients and always looking for new friends.

      1. +1 this is very similar what happened to me when I left LA for a smaller city a few hours away. Everyone smiles and says hello at the park and school pickups, but no one actually wants to make friends.

    11. I’d only consider it if it meant moving closer to family AND you’re close with your family.

      Otherwise, I wouldn’t want to have to “start over”. It’d so hard to make friends as an adult. If you have a good thing where you are, I’d keep it.

    12. We moved the year we turned 40 from a very “desirable” location with a flagship university and a distinctly pretentious vibe to a cheaper, more diverse city with a better art scene. I wish we had moved sooner! I honestly had no idea how much the general atmosphere of my community mattered to me until I made the change.

      1. Anon @ 5:19 I’m bored on a Friday afternoon and just guessing, and the guess is based on my life experiences, but congrats on moving from Ann Arbor or Madison to Detroit or Milwaukee.

        1. Hah! It was actually a move from the Triangle to the Triad (and I some good advice on this here when I was still mulling over the plan!).

          Maybe that doesn’t qualify as a big move since it’s not that far? But honestly the only thing we’ve gone back for is some specialists at Duke, and we might be doing that from anywhere in the SEUS.

        2. I wouldn’t really call Ann Arbor and Madison desirable. Compared to other college towns, yes, but not compared to big cities. Limited opportunities for work if you aren’t affiliated with the State U.

    13. It wasn’t a big geographic move (just across town, in fact), but in my mid-50s I ran away from my home and my marriage and all my friends, at the same time I had a job transfer (same employer, different location fairly far apart). So for all practical purposes it might as well have been a cross-country move. It was bumpy for the first year or so (especially the “making friends” part) but it turned out great beyond my wildest dreams.

      1. Ugh used a bad word. Trying again:

        It wasn’t a big geographic move (just across town, in fact), but in my mid-50s I ran away from my home and my marriage and all my friends, at the same time I had a job t r a n s fer (same employer, different location fairly far apart). So for all practical purposes it might as well have been a cross-country move. It was bumpy for the first year or so (especially the “making friends” part) but it turned out great beyond my wildest dreams.

    14. I don’t think it’s crazy at all. My husband and I have lived in the same city – not where either of us grew up -for 25 years. We didn’t intend to stay that long; it just happened. And we’re sick of it. When our son graduates from college and moves out into the world to start his career, we’re going to move to the west coast – likely Oregon or Washington, or maybe northern California – and will have no problem starting over. All our couple friends moved away from where we are a few years ago, and so we’re stuck making new friends regardless of whether we leave or stay. Sometimes “wherever you go, there you are” but sometimes where you are is legit not the right place for you. Nothing wrong with making a measured, planned decision to go somewhere that will feel more like home. But- I like change, and I know a lot of people don’t. Change doesn’t scare me; the idea of never changing is way more scary. So take that FWIW.

    15. I was a nerdy little girl and all I wanted to do my whole life was live in DC and wear pencil skirts and influence policy. Because of marriage and his career, I wasn’t able to get to DC until I was 35 and we got divorced and I said, “I’m doing this for me.” It’s been the happiest decade of my life. My dreams have come true just like I envisioned them when I was 12 and it’s actually kinda wild. I’m sadly preparing to move away for my current husband’s job, but it’s been a decade I’ve loved, and I’ll get to keep my job and work remotely, so it’ll still be part of my identity. If any of that rings true for you, do it for you.

    1. Love it! Thanks for sharing this.

      I enjoy hearing when women come up with great ideas to solve problems women have had forever, because (male) society decided they weren’t important enough to address. I hope they make a great product and make a ton of money.

  17. Any recommendations for business casual workwear items from JCrew Factory? Are they true to size? Thanks!

  18. go in mod on my computer and not my phone. I live in a progressive county and my state rep uses language like “people who have uteruses” and it is quite jarring. I am a life long liberal who respects pronouns but I’m also worried about seeing women erased, past and present. When Pugs asks why we don’t out ourselves, I say look at what happened to Rowling.

    1. You do you. I’m happy to be recognized as a person, rather than a separate category to have my rights stripped away bit by bit. Being a woman hasn’t been much of a boon in my life and less so now. Seems like the way things are going in my state, we won’t be considered “people” on equal footing with men soon enough. Why would you help them along with that?

      1. I don’t know why you are helping people born with a p@nis pushing their way into safe spaces for vulnerable and abused women like rehabs and dv shelters. I also see you are helping guy title IX.

        1. Why would I dwell on anyone’s genitalia except a person I’m sleeping with? How odd.

          1. Odd that you don’t understand how women who were r*ped would worry about the gen*talia of the man who is sleeping in their room in an institution.

    2. Same, except I live in a red state. I am in favor of access to gender affirming healthcare for adults, and am happy to call anyone any name they like and use any pronouns they like. I generally don’t have any issue with tr@ns women using women’s bathrooms, but I prefer single-user bathrooms as I think that’s more comfortable for everyone.

      But I think a lot of these issues are complex and I can’t stand that progressives default to “you’re a T E R F” for suggesting that tr@ns women shouldn’t automatically be allowed to compete in women’s athletics or win awards and scholarships for women in fields in which women are under-represented. People who are assigned male at birth are biologically faster and stronger and have a clear athletic advantage, and have benefited from male privilege in a way that cis women don’t. My husband is a scientist in a very male-dominated field and the most successful woman in his sub-field is tr@ns and tr@nsitioned after getting tenure. I sometimes think about how demoralizing it must be for younger women in the field to look at all the accolades for “most successful woman in X” going to a tr@ns women who presented as male for most of her early academic career and benefited from male privilege in the most critical stages of it (college, grad school and postdoc are the stages of the academic pipeline when the most women drop out). I’m not suggesting the tr@ns colleague doesn’t deserve kudos for her work and for being the first/best tr@ns person in the field, but it is a different kind of barrier she’s broken down than the ones that cis women do. I feel like we should be allowed to have conversations about this, and it’s really off-putting to me that in progressive circles there’s no room for discussion about issues like this.

      1. Really useful comment, thank you.
        These are the kind of issues I worry about as well. And these examples, and the unwillingness to discuss them, makes the rights of women seem less important than catering to someone who – all else being equal – has grown up with a lot more privilege.
        Erasing women’s voices and concerns is another way of erasing women – and callings someone a TERF for being concerned makes you, to me, at best, a collaborator in the war against women, and at worst, a participant.

    3. The first thing to understand is that trans men are men, and trans women are women. That’s the first place to start and it helps these other points to make more sense.

      Most trans men will have a uterus, and therefore at some point need access to gynecological care. Using a phrase like “people with uteruses” is a way for healthcare related discussions to be inclusive of anyone with these parts who needs that care. That includes cis women (not all of whom will have a uterus, if she’s had a hysterectomy for example), and trans men, and nonbinary people who were assigned female at birth. It is much easier to just say “people who have uteruses” in this context. Similarly, “people who menstruate” covers ciswomen, trans men, and non-binary people assigned female at birth. If you say “only women have uteruses” or “only women menstruate” then you are effectively erasing trans men and/or denying that transness exists.

      The issue with TERFs, JK Rowling etc is more about trans erasure hiding behind the idea of protecting women and women’s spaces from trans women. The thing is, trans women are women. And they are at a very high risk of violence. Look up stats for violence against trans women. They are not safe in men’s spaces. They are not men.

      Gender cannot be reduced to what reproductive parts a person does or does not have. There is more to being a woman than periods and uteruses. That is part of it for most women, yes. But not all of it, and not for all women. I mean, when a woman goes through menopause or has a hysterectomy, she does not cease to be a woman. There is more than one way to be a woman and to experience womanhood.

      There is so much fear mongering against trans people right now, I understand being concerned or confused. But I encourage you to seek out actual trans people as sources of information. Jammi Dodger on YouTube is a trans man that has made some very informative videos. There is such a push against trans people from the right, I just hope more on the left will continue to seek information with an open mind to see this for what it is – a dangerous, hate filled political agenda. No one is erasing women, we are simply including trans women in the definition and acknowledging that there is more to being a woman than having certain reproductive parts.

      1. I do think that some of what we are seeing on tiktok, etc. is exaggeration from both sides. We also see the “pick me” tr*ns women and not those just living their lives. However, when I go to the doctor, I am a whole woman and do NOT want to be reduced to my body part. Also inclusive would be “women and trans men should see a gynocologist once a year.”

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