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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This striped tie-neck blouse from Ann Taylor Loft looks lovely, and it's 100% polyester, machine washable. It just looks like a really easy top to throw on, and I like the contrast stripe detail on the cuffs. It seems like a really good option if you're on the hunt for a washable, easy blouse. It comes in regular sizes XXS–XXL, petite sizes XXS–XL, and plus sizes 16–26, and it's $59.50 (but since this is Loft, be on the lookout for one of their frequent sales). Striped Tie-Neck Blouse This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected].Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Wrinkles
I have a blazer that I need for tomorrow morning that is slightly wrinkled. I tried the Woolite At Home Dry Clean kit and that got a majority of them out, but there are still a few. The blazer just came in the mail so the wrinkles are from it being folded and are deep set. Any tips on how to get these out quick? The tag says dry clean only and a cool iron but the iron did nothing.
anon
You need a steamer – go to Walmart and get the Conair steamer – inexpensive (about $40-45…I have had mine for years and works great!
Anonymous
Yep. In a pinch you can use your iron on the steam setting.
Avis
Yep. In a pinch you can use your iron on the steam setting.
Idea
Or even longer with a damp towel.
Inspired By Hermione
If you can’t get a steamer, hang it on the shower rod with the curtain closed, turn on the shower as hot as it can go, and shut the door. Leave it for awhile and then try cool ironing it.
Anon
This NEVER works for me. I think it’s a myth. You need a steamer.
Anonymous
I would bring it to a dry cleaner and ask them to steam it right there while you wait.
Anonymous
I LOVE my travel steamer. It was like $12 and has lasted for years
Anonymous
link?
Lana Del Raygun
I LOVE this style but I just can’t stand these floppy polyester fabrics everything seems to be made of. (I realize this is partly about me being a sweaty person.) Any recommendations for similar blouses in cotton (or linen)?
Anonymous
I am with you on the polyester – Antonio Melani at Dillard’s had some silk tops that had a similar vibe.
Anonymous
My silk blouses are from Elie Tahari, Trina Turk, Lafayette 148, Rebecca Taylor, Tucker and Antonio Melani. I usually buy a couple a season by searching those brands and «silk ».
anon
+1. I was thrilled when I saw it on the front page- and then clicked through to find it was sweaty polyester :(.
Anon
It drives me crazy that every blouse these days is polyester and often just as expensive as natural fabrics (I’m looking at you, Banana Republic).
Equestrian Attorney
So much this. I have started to completely boycott anything made of 100% polyester (and BR is a long-time favorite for workwear). It’s been really hard to find alternatives.
anon
Yes, side eye to BR. The last two poly tops I got there, which are adorable in theory, look awful in practice. And they cost $79, which is insulting. (Obvi, everyone waits for 40 + % off, but still.)
Mpls
You’ll have to get a really thin cotton fabric for it to be this drapey. Cotton and linen generally have too much body to have the same effect as a polyester fabric in the same weave.
You might be able to replicate the effect with silk or rayon (a synthetic fabric, but may be more breathable than polyester).
Lana Del Raygun
I’d also like a nice crisp bow, though.
Anonymous
Linen comes in very some very light weights and if it had been washed and softened it would totally drape like this.
Mpls
But then people will complain about it not being opaque enough. And about linen’s natural tendency to wrinkle.
Mpls
No…even lightweight linen (which is going to be less opaque) is going to drape like polyester. it’s going to drape better than heavier weights, but its still going to have more body than polyester.
I mean, you’ll get closer to this type of fabric, but it wouldn’t give you the same look. There’s a reason polyester is popular.
Shopaholic
Aritzia is a bit more expensive but has some beautiful silk blouses with a nice drape.
Senior Attorney
Haha here’s one for $730!
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/jw-anderson-pajama-stripe-tie-neck-blouse/5100965?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=ivory
Irish Midori
I have become a fan of Loft lately. Pity they don’t carry tall sizes in store, though.
Happy Friday everyone!
Cb
I’m doing some interviews in the coming weeks and people are very hesitant to be recorded in our current political climes. I don’t need a verbatim transcript but do need a good sense of the direction of the conversation and key points. Any tips or tools for taking notes while still actively engaging in the conversation? I think I need a legal pad style notebook, right?
Anonymous
Is this for qualitative research? If so, yes to the legal pad. Try to write while maintaining eye contact as much as possible, even though it will be messy. Don’t try to get down every word, but do take down memorable phrases or statements in the participant’s own language. As soon as possible after the interview, type up your notes and add in anything you can remember that is missing. Depending on the situation, it can also be helpful to have someone other than the interviewer along to take notes, but with some participants the extra person can interfere with the relationship between the interviewer and the participant.
Some qualitative research textbooks and handbooks cover note-taking.
Cb
Yep, qualitative. My grandma was right in demanding I write in perfect cursive. So much faster than printing. I recorded all my PhD interviews and didn’t find the transcripts and recordings super helpful – the initial reflections I wrote up in a cafe immediately after the interviews were more useful.
Anon
I had to do this a lot with client interviews, which you can’t record because of privilege concerns. Focus on writing down key points and phases, and develop a shorthand for your self so that you don’t have to write full sentences. If at all possible, I highly recommend getting a second person (a research assistant?) who’s only role is to write down the interview. It is nearly impossible to get down all the main points when also leading the interview.
Anon
I had to do this a lot with client interviews, which you can’t record because of privilege concerns. Focus on writing down key points and phases, and develop a shorthand for your self so that you don’t have to write full sentences. If at all possible, I highly recommend getting a second person (a research assistant?) who’s only role is to write down the interview. It is nearly impossible to get down all the main points when also leading the interview.
Anon
Anyone else owe taxes this year when they were anticipating a refund? Ugh. So much for a marriage bonus in a year when my husband made much more than me due to my time in grad school. I almost wonder if we should go to an accountant because I really wasn’t expecting to owe, even with the new tax law.
Anonymous
I haven’t done my taxes yet but I recently saw something on facebook about how a lot of Trump supporters are realizing that they’re not getting the tax break they thought they would – and in fact they’re getting much less of a refund or are even owing. I tried to hold in the cackle so as to not tempt fate.
Anonymous
Vindictive, much? That is not a nice look.
Anon
I mean, this isn’t laughing at someone’s bad luck. It was well known all along that this tax plan would not benefit the middle class. There were tons of non-partisan groups that analyzed it and reached that conclusion. But Trump supporters blindly follow anything he says, even his blatant lies, so they were enthusiastic about it. I don’t think it’s vindictive to feel some satisfaction at seeing them have a bit of a rude awakening.
Anon at 11:54
+1 million (especially as someone who works in tax–not a CPA, though)
Anon
Actually, it’s well known that a lot of middle-class people will pay less. The people paying more are high earners with capped SALT deductions.
Sadie
Well, actually, everything I’ve seen is that about 2/3 will pay more, mostly because their withholding was wrong due to the change in exemptions and/or the cap on deductions for state/property tax, and about 1/3 will pay less. But sure, keep those blinders firmly attached.
Anon
We would have owed more this year except that we had a baby and that comes with a straight $2k credit. We have a HHI of almost $200k. I don’t know who the tax law benefits. The super wealthy, I guess.
Senior Attorney
It benefits people with high incomes who do not earn those high incomes by working. We have a high income but we work for it and we are getting killed by the new tax law.
Anonymous
Did you run a withholding calculator at the beginning of the year and adjust your withholding accordingly?
Anon
I thought we did, yes. We already claim 0 exemptions and I got a bonus that was taxed at like 50%, which a friend led me to believe would result in getting some of that money back. Really having trouble understanding what’s happening here and thinking an accountant might be worth it.
Gail the Goldfish
Yea, we ended up getting a refund after expecting to probably owe due to marriage penalty because we ran the withholding calculator after we got married mid-year and had actually overadjusted (I still haven’t figured out how given that we used the calculator). But if you made a lot less than husband, I probably would have an accountant double-check.
Irish Midori
I finally had an accountant do my taxes last year for the first time, and it was worth it. He found a couple deductions I didn’t know I was eligible for, and ended up saving us almost $1k in taxes. Only cost us $300 to use him, so it was definitely a win. I’ll use him again this year. Even if it doesn’t save us, the $300 is worth it to me to not worry about it. (This, even though I did decently well in income tax class in law school. Don’t want to mess with it, and there are professionals out there who are better at it than I am.)
anon
I started using an accountant 4 or 5 years ago and it has worked out SO well for me! I trust her work much more than I ever did mine when it comes to tax prep. I don’t know that this year will continue the streak but she has always found me more refund than I was expecting and so, like you, I agree her fees are completely worth it.
As to the tax law changes, yes, they benefit the super wealthy only. You know, the circle Trump fancies himself to be in (my understanding is that he is leveraged to the hilt and/or in massive debt).
Anonymous
Counterpoint: We used an accountant one year. He didn’t even know which state forms to fill out, and I had to tell him about a deduction we were eligible for. It took me at least as much time to assemble the paperwork, meet with the accountant, and review the return for errors as it would have taken just to do the whole thing myself. Never again.
Anon
Same. I’ve never had a good experience with an accountant. I think if you can get a referral to a great one, it can be worth it. But it’s hard to find a great one without a personal referral.
Anonymous
on top of this, I’ve only gotten referrals for accountants charging $650 + for taxes.
Like, what? I’ll just suck it up with the Turbo Tax
Anon
I hear this all the time, and am so confused by it. What deductions were you missing on your own?
I feel like the software that is publicly available now a days goes through so many of the deductions, that absent a unique situation (self-employed, farm owner, etc.), I just can’t see what deductions you were missing.
Anonymous
This. I always wonder what deductions an accountant is finding in these situations and if IRS is going to give me a hard time about them down the road. Tax software is so good for most basic employee situations.
Anon
Yeah, TurboTax asks you about everything. I think if you try to skip through it quickly you can miss something, but if you let it hold your hand and you double-check everything, you won’t miss a deduction. Accounts use tax prep software that is very similar to TurboTax.
anon0321
I volunteer to do taxes for low-income folks through a non-profit. Half the time, the so-called deductions that accountants/HR Block in-person services have people claim are straight up wrong and opening people up to an audit/liability. Unless you have very complicated taxes, or specific investment questions, Turbo Tax (or whatever other online program) does a great job.
Anon
Keep in mind that whether you owe money or get a refund is completely different from whether you got a tax cut or not. Most people will have gotten a tax cut, but the Trump administration deliberately changed withholding so that people would see more money in their paychecks. Unfortunately, that means many people who usually get a large refund will get less of a refund or owe money. I actually think it’s better that way and I’ve always set up my withholding to owe a little, since I’d rather have my money all year long, but I understand that it’s a problem if you weren’t expecting it. I think it’s backfired since the increases in paychecks were often so small as to be barely noticeable, and in my case, were totally wiped out by increases in health insurance premiums so my take home pay went down. We paid less in taxes, but I’d personally much rather not have to worry about being bankrupted by health problems…
Anonymous
Spot on.
Anon
I think the marriage bonus only applies if one person has a very low income, like 30k or less. Everyone I know pays a marriage penalty, even when one spouse makes 2x what the other does, just because they both have high incomes.
Anon
OP here and I made about $30K (graduated grad school this year) and my husband made $130K ish. That’s why I’m having trouble understanding this, although I certainly don’t claim to be an expert in the new tax law or accounting.
Anon
Yeah, I didn’t adjust my withholding and got married, so I’m sure our taxes will be a disaster…
anon a mouse
Our overall tax liability went up about $4K almost entirely due to the capping of SALT deductions. The “Trump tax cut” is a sham.
Anon
Re: Marriage penalty vs bonus…Someone linked this explanation and charts the other day; it’s quite helpful: https://taxfoundation.org/tax-cuts-and-jobs-act-marriage-penalty-marriage-bonus/
Anon
I linked to that – so glad you found it helpful!
anecdata
I find this fascinating…
2016 total wages were $229,674 and we paid $40,341, or 17.6%
2017 total wages were $291,376 and we paid $59,507, or 20.4%
2018 total wages were $262,170 and we paid $43,850, or 16.7%
We added a dependent in 2018, which is the only difference other than income fluctuations given my comp structure.
Inspired By Hermione
My refund went down by $800. I realize this means I was over withholding but that’s fine with me. What’s not fine is my refund being unexpectedly low. And no I didn’t run the withholding calculator…
RegularNonTroll
After your comment about the cute plumber above, I’m wondering if you are related to Ellen by any chance? either way, have a good weekend!
Wedding registry
Does anyone have experience with French weddings (not destination ones, like ones with actual French couples)? In that wedding “culture” do they do lots of gifts and/or gift registries? If there’s gifts but no registry, what type of gifts would you normally get? Is it similar to the US where you generally buy “set up the household” items?
Cb
I went to a French wedding a few years ago and bought a bottle of nice champagne and some cash, but I knew the couple was living in a tiny flat in Paris. I think they had a registry but I’m not sure.
Equestrian Attorney
Registries are common, more and more of them will be online registries including loose honeymoon or home fund contributions, but some people still actually register for china etc at department stores such as Galeries Lafayette. You can ask whoever you know at this wedding (including the bride/groom themselves – this isn’t really frowned upon). Some people have an urn for cash collection but that’s still considered somewhat tacky in many circles. If you want to do cash/gift card, I would recommend mailing since it’s really awkward when people hand you things at the wedding (although my mother did collect some gifts on my behalf).
Source: I am French and got married in France.
Wedding registry
Merci! We’re not totally sure we can attend in person but wanted to send something if we don’t. I might try to see if we can get them a Galeries Lafayette gift card online.
Equestrian Attorney
Sounds great – if I recall correctly my American family was able to purchase things through our Galeries Lafayette online registry, so I’m assuming it’s also possible to buy gift cards from the US. They have stores in several French cities and a very wide selection, so it’s a safe bet. Le Printemps is another similar option.
Anonymous
I have experience with a 50% French wedding in France. They registered for money.
blueberries
One French wedding—traditional registry, but it was fine to go off-registry.
Fancy hats are common and fun at French weddings (obv, ask for the one you’re going to, though—I don’t know the nuances).
Echo
I went to a French wedding in Normandy this summer. I gave a personal gift unique to the bride and groom, but most everyone else gave money/cash. That’s safest.
Anonymous
During the recent cold snap I ended up spending a lot of time holding my phone and scrolling for long periods of time. Now my shoulder is very painful. Holding and scrolling exacerbates the pain. So now I am being careful not to hold my phone in my hand. Besides not doing the thing that caused the injury, is there anything else I can do? Or should I just anticipate waiting this out?
Anonymous
exercise! this is what physical therapy is for. you have to undo the damage you’ve done by scrolling (much like sitting down at our desks, hunched over computers, etc). Can you get yourself to a yoga class? At the very least google some stretches you can do every day
ouch
Heat + stretching, or a massage. Hot yoga saved me the last time I messed myself. The steam room at the Y then stretching is good too.
Idea
anti-inflammatory OTC like Advil to start. You didn’t mention this. Sorry if it seem obvious.
Anon
Self-massage/MFR. A theracane or lacrosse ball would be good tools.
Anonymous
I didn’t think of Advil, haha, thank you for suggesting it even though it seemed obvious. I will try the stretching. I do cardio about 3-5x per week but I will try the steam room too! I love the steam room at my Y so this is nice to have an extra excuse to go there.
Thanks all!! I very much appreciate the advice.
anon0321
I visit the chiro for similar *hunched over the computer/book* with bad ergo periods and have found that super helpful.
Anonymous
Recommendations for a hotel and spa in Atlanta somewhere convenient to either Atlanta or GA Tech?
Anonymous
Sigh fail. Convenient to Marietta* or GA Tech. Going to get more coffee now….
Atlanta but not hotel-spa goer
St. Regis in Buckhead is not fair from GeorgiaTech in Midtown. That’s what I would recommend first.
As to Marietta, try looking in Cobb Galleria area, a popular area for business and (some) tourists.
Idea
Also check the Georgian Terrace, closer to GeorgiaTech in Midtown, a historic hotel but I’m not sure if they have a spa.
cbackson
Exhale at the Loew’s. Very convenient to Tech (much more so than the St. Regis) and the spa is excellent. It’s in a walkable neighborhood with fun restaurants, bars, parks, bikeshare, etc. (if you’re staying in the hotel). The yoga classes at Exhale are top-notch as well.
Maudie Atkinson
I second Exhale, including the yoga classes. I’m a member there.
The Four Seasons is also in Midtown (therefore near Tech) and has a spa. Either of those will be much more convenient than anything in Buckhead (St. Regis, Waldorf). The Georgian Terrace does not have a spa.
ATL rette
Waldorf Astoria (formerly the Mandarin Oriental) in Buckhead!!! Or any of the W hotels (Buckhead, Midtown).
Avalon up in Alpharetta has a Woodhouse spa but not sure what hotels are close by. (Avalon is a shopping/restaurant area)
Anon
Does there exist in the world a white blouse that is opaque, machine washable, and < $50? I'm so tired of strategically layering a camisole or realizing when I get to work that what was fine in home lighting is borderline inappropriate in office lighting. I just want to be able to put on a top (ONE top!) and not think about it!
Anon
Uniqlo is the only brand that in my experience comes close to what you’re describing at that price point. It varies a bit by product and I usually wear a cami anyway because my office has weird lighting, but I find their rayon blouses are usually okay.
Vicky Austin
I *think* mine is opaque? It came from the JCPenney Worthington brand (when I was a college student in a crummy college town and was told by the career center to just “go to JCPenney!!” for my every need…sigh). Anyway, good luck :)
Housecounsel
Jones New York has some no-iron ones that seem OK. They don’t work for me because of my, um, endowment, but they look nice.
Anon
FWIW I used to despise having to wear a camisole under tops until I discovered silk camisoles. They are so lightweight and comfortable, they don’t bother me at all. I got mine at J Crew ages ago.
Anon
+1. I get mine from WinterSilks and like them, although I hate their website and return policy – but the price during Xmas sale events makes up for it.
SC
Not that I found. A couple of years ago, I gave up and spent about $100 on a machine washable, opaque top. It was worth it–I’ve gotten much more wear out of it than any of the half-dozen inexpensive, transparent white tops I’d tried before. Mine is Eileen Fisher, but I don’t see anything similar with a quick search, and I think you have to see a top in person to know how opaque it’ll be.
Anon
If it really met the qualifications and I was positive it would hold up for years, I would consider spending closer to $100. But so often I see tops even in higher price ranges that are still transparent, so why bother spending more? I’ve considered just ordering a bunch of things online and sending back the transparent ones, but I don’t even know where to start looking for opaque tops. Everywhere I’ve looked in person has been unsuccessful.
SC
I hear you. I think I just got lucky one day–I came across it shopping in person, looking for something else entirely (which I probably didn’t find).
Anonymous
H&M has some cotton ones.
Ms B
I am to the point where I am stopping into fabric stores to look for what my seamstress calls “pebbled polyester” in a heavyweight opaque fabric in cream or ivory (white is a trying color on me). I have instructions on yardage to buy and prewash and she is going to make me a blouse with a neck between a jewel neck and a boat neck, long sleeves from a slightly dropped shoulder, and cuffs that actually fit. If what she makes fits, I plan to have multiples made, regardless of cost.
The fact that I have to go to this length to get what I want is crazy.
Lots to Learn
I have two I love – one from Uniqlo that isn’t currently being offered and one from Ann Taylor – the Perfect Shirt. Uniqlo’s is drapey and Ann Taylor’s is crisp but they’re both great.
Blondielaw
I like the shells from Alfani through Macy’s. I have gotten more wear out of them then all my other shirts combined. They come in black, white, cream. White is not transparent when wearing skin colored bra.
Blondielaw
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/alfani-sleeveless-layering-tank-top-created-for-macys?ID=1205765&pla_country=US&cm_mmc=Hope this works…
Google_Womens_PLA-_-RTW_Womens_LIA_Womens_All-_-294923208669-_-pg1050924654_m_kclickid_1a120667-8893-45d4-b2e4-6def27c84ee1_KID_EMPTY_1560661853_61943984351_294923208669_pla-334021870073_710978358897USA__m_KID_&trackingid=424×1050924654&lsft=cm_mmc:Google_Womens_PLA-_-RTW%20Womens_LIA_Womens%20All-_-294923208669-_-pg1050924654_m_kclickid_1a120667-8893-45d4-b2e4-6def27c84ee1_KID_500_1560661853_61943984351_294923208669_pla-334021870073_710978358897USA_%7Bfeetitemid%7D_m_KID_,trackingid:424×1050924654&gclid=Cj0KCQiAtP_iBRDGARIsAEWJA8g_oVoGppMH6G7rp1ttKsXRE4A9y6liryVpQAITYt4uoLd2-hH7T0UaAsm-EALw_wcB
Penny Lane
Anyone have any suggestions for places to donate office supplies? Paper, pads, paper clips, pens and pencils, binders, folders? Either specific organizations in NYC or types of places that could use it?
Anon
This is the wrong time of year, but a lot of orgs collect that types of stuff for back to school drives for low income students. This time of year, i would look for a non-profit that does tutoring
Anon
Call any urban neighborhood school. Heck, find any single teacher in those settings and call them. I promise they’ll take it. I’m former TFA and shelled out so much of my own money for exactly those supplies each year and throughout the year. I’m more than a decade removed or else I’d hook you up with someone directly.
Penny Lane
“Teach For America”?
Anon
Yes
Anon 2.0
I’d just call the closest lower income elementary school near you and ask if you can drop it off. Teachers are always in need of supplies.
christineispink
An alternative suggestion for if your highest priority is getting these items off your hands, I brought in “goody bags” for a few coworkers I’m close with who have elementary-aged children (that I’d met at our holiday party and stuff). Mostly pencils, pretty notebooks, stickers, washi tape, colored pens, and things of that nature. I didn’t know where to donate them and it certainly wasn’t enough for like a whole classroom of kids, but remembered how much I loved stuff like that as a kid.
Shower squeegee
Any recs for a good shower door squeegee that’s mold-resistant and easy to clean? I like this double bladed one I have now that gets high reviews, but it grows that red mold (ugh) stuff in between the blades and is very difficult to get clean.
Anon
I would just get the cheapest one that isn’t too hideous and then spray it down with Tilex Mold & Mildew if it gets moldy. This seems like a strange item to look for high quality…but maybe you have some sort of complicating issue?
Jane
We have 4 of the OXO Good Grips Stainless Steel Squeegee with Suction Cups. About $15 at Bed, Bath & Beyond. We’ve had them for about four years and no mold problems even though we live in a humid climate and in a home without fans in the bathrooms.
Rainbow Hair
I got one from Ikea, so I imagine it was only a few bucks. It has no weird crevices or anything so it dries quickly, and I’ve got no complaints about it.
anon0321
I have the ikea one too and have never had an issue- I’m pretty sure it was super cheap too if it ended up having any & I needed to replace it.
Annie
Ditto.
Mucus factory mystery solved
Thanks to everyone who chimed in on my medical queery on Monday! The answer is . . . sinusitis causing blocked sinuses, which can linger for years!!! Dx is thanks to an MRI (the results of which were not what the real doctor (not juris doctor) would have expected, but we both saw it. So neat to look inside one’s skull :)
Anon
What’s the treatment? I feel like I have this, but also like I can’t do much about it.
Anonymous
It’s like when a plumber snakes your pipes, but with anesthesia and medical equipment. Haven’t done it yet. Sinuses have of course gotten the message and now appear to be draining . . . TOO BAD SUCKAS — Y’ALL’S GOING TO BE SNAKED!
Anon
Glad you got it solved! Hopefully it’s an easy-ish fix!
Anon
I’m glad you found the answer! I couldn’t help but think of the House episode where a woman had a constantly leaking nose and it turned out to be her spinal fluid!
Anon
Omg I remember that one. Terrifying!
Also anxious
Yes I thought of this too but did not want to mention it in the thread. Glad someone else has a mind that goes to worst possible case! In a semi-related incident, I have my annual physical exam coming up and I really hope my weird lump that is not on my breast is nothing!
Anon
I have a friend who actually had this happen to her! Something cracked during a car wreck, but she wasn’t otherwise injured so she didn’t go to the hospital to get checked out. She didn’t notice anything wrong at the time it happened, which is apparently really frequent for cases like hers, so it took forever for them to realize she’d had a trauma since the wreck overall was relatively minor. She had recently moved to a part of the country with famously high pollen and pollution so she thought it was allergies for months. Fortunately, in her case it was a slow drip and she was able to have surgery, but it was really scary!
Inspired By Hermione
Sinus surgery is, if you have a good doctor, a godsend and the recovery should be minimal.
Walnut
Yes. I had my sinuses totally cleaned and flushed as part of an adnoid removal and it was like ten years of bliss. Haven’t convinced an ENT to do a repeat procedure to clear the sinuses again, but I likely just haven’t been insistent enough.
Anon
Congratulations!! This can be so frustrating, I am glad you finally got a diagnosis!
Anon for this
My husband and I had similar, average gardening drives for the first 5 years of our relationship, and we gardened 1-2 times per week and were both happy with that. I went of bc to try to get pregnant and my drive increased, which caused some tension, but the issue was minimized because I got pregnant, had a baby, and then we were caring for said baby. Four years later, things have settled down and my drive is still high and his is non-existent. I could garden daily and he is happy to garden never, so we need to find a middle ground that doesn’t involve him gardening as an obligation as I have no interest in that. I cannot go back on hormonal bc due to a medical condition that was diagnosed while I was pregnant. After it being an issue for months, he has finally agreed to see a doctor mainly to get his testosterone level checked, but if it isn’t that I’m not sure where that leaves us. Our relationship is otherwise amazing – we have the same values, really enjoy each other’s company, love each other and our child, etc. Has anyone dealt with this that can provide any advice or suggestions?
Lana Del Raygun
When/if you do garden, does he become interested once you get going? From what you’ve written here it’s hard to tell if he truly has no desire or just responsive desire, or something else in his life that’s putting on the brakes. (“Drive” isn’t actually a great model for how arousal works; it’s more like you have an accelerator and a brake, each activated by different things, and a lot of people have issues with one of them being more sensitive than the other.)
Anonymous
He’s happy to garden never, then go to marriage counseling to figure this out.
Anonymous
I agree, this is no way to live. Don’t let him make you feel slutty or demanding, this is a biological and emotional need.
Anonymous
I don’t get this comment. If her husband wanted to “garden” more often than she did, wouldn’t everyone here immediately say that she needed to stand her ground and say no when not interested? Why is it all right for a woman to demand something from a man when the reverse would be unacceptable? No means no. Whoever doesn’t want to do it wins. End of discussion.
anon
No, not end of discussion. You’re not obligated to serve it up on demand at all times, but when you’re in a closed marriage, you have assumed shared responsibility for your spouse’s needs in that department and some compromise is in order.
Anon
No one is suggesting she r*pe him, or not take no for an answer on a specific occasion. And obviously everyone has days (or weeks or months depending on what else is going on in their life) when they don’t feel like doing it and their partner needs to accept this and be supportive. But literally never wanting to garden again for the rest of your life is not reasonable unless both members of the couple are on board and it’s not “end of discussion” – it’s something they very much need to continue discussing. People have said the exact same thing when it’s the woman with the low/non-existent drive.
Anon
I have a higher gardening drive than my husband (though his is more than never). Sometimes when he’s not in the mood and I am, he’ll take care of me and be fine without doing anything on his own (obviously this isnt PIV but still satisfying). If he’s willing to do that, it might be helpful to reframe the obligation piece in your mind to the extent that you can. I think a large part of many successful relationships is doing things that aren’t necessarily your thing to do just cause they make your partner happy – just like how my husband isn’t super into true crime but came with me to a recent taping of the My Favorite Murder podcast. Would trying to think of it as a desire for him to please you/make you feel good (even without a reciprocating benefit for him) make it feel less like an obligation and more like showing love in a different way?
Anon
Also adding that while there’s nothing wrong with as!xual people/while all people with low drives need therapy, it might be worth it to see if there’s a non-physical reason for his low drive through therapy or counseling (e.g. an upbringing that shamed s!x, work stress, etc.).
Anon
Maybe tending to your own garden on a regular basis would be a nice compromise.
Never too many shoes...
I am not sure that one is a substitute for the other though. Also, for some of us, the more I do it on my own, the more I then want to do it with my partner.
Anonymous
This.
Anonymous
Just so you know, you may want to see the actual test result for the testosterone level. My understanding is that there’s some discussion right now about average vs. optimal, and whether the current “normal range” reflects low levels that are normal in the sense of being common rather than in the sense of being healthy.
A functional/integrative doctor would also do an extended thyroid panel to see if there’s a subclinical thyroid issue from impaired T4/T3, but how and whether to address such an issue remains controversial. Thyroid meds risk dependency; tyrosine and iodine are known to support thyroid function in cases of goiter; meditation is supposed to lower reverse T3 by reducing stress–but understandably there’s really not a lot of research on interventions for health issues that are more “suboptimal” than pathological.
If there’s a psychological component (anhedonia, dysthymia), Wellbutrin is a med worth asking about.
Anonymous
I want to add that I brought the functional/integrative angle partly because I think this is one of the few areas of medicine where a “holistic”/”whole person” approach may actually be helpful and not just woo, and I think looking at something concrete like lab results appeals to the way many men have been socialized to think vs. the hazier “the mind is a powerful thing” approach that therapists often take.
Anonymous for this
I agree with this comment. My DH had little sexual desire for years and when his PCP tested his testosterone levels, they were in the “normal” range, although at the lower end. He’s otherwise an extremely healthy man. Then he went to an integrated, men’s doctor and received testosterone injections. It’s been a remarkable turnaround. Sexual drive is up, erections come very easily, and he can’t keep his hands off me. Good luck.
Anonymous
I don’t mean to minimize your concerns because they’re certainly valid, but I think you’re borrowing trouble and catastrophizing. Dude agreed to go to the doctor. That’s a big step in the right direction. I acknowledge your frustration that it took months to get him there, but I think you’ve got to let go of that for now. He’s doing exactly what he should be doing (if a little belatedly) in this moment. I don’t think it’s fruitful to worry about what happens if the doctor finds nothing wrong. What will happen is this – whatever the doctor says, seek doctor’s guidance on next steps. You guys will tackle this as a team. As long as DH is showing that he’s being a good teammate (which he is rn) I think worrying about what exactly will happen next is a little beside the point.
Anonymous
I think this is awful. Why should the husband be obligated to get medical exams and take drugs just to artificially boost his interest?
Anonymous
Oh no not preventive medical care! How awful! In all seriousness, though, a dramatic drop in drive can be an indicator of a lot of physical and mental health issues. This isn’t a guy who’s never been interested; this is a relatively recent change over the past few years, and frankly something that he should’ve mentioned to his doctor at his regular physicals (assuming he gets physicals). If you notice a major, unexplained change in your body then yes you should talk to your doctor about it.
Also no one mentioned drugs so calm yourself.
Anonymous
Just wanted to mention the possibility that your husband may be asexual. If that’s the case, looking at sites and discussion boards for asexual relationships could provide some solutions. There are definitely ace people in relationships with non-aces, and while it require compromise, it can definitively work!
Anon
Doubt it. Asexuality is categorized as a sexual preference. Doing it enthusiastically with a sudden drop off is more likely a sign of a mental of physical health issue. Men have hormones and mental issues (depression and anxiety chief among them) too that can affect their drive. It makes most sense to rule out physical issues then mental issues before assuming Hubs went from enthusiastically hetero to nothing – it just doesn’t work that way 99% of the time.
Anonymous
But is 1-2 times a week really “enthusiastically hetero”? It sort of seems more like a de minimus level for a DINK situation. I mean 3 times a day at the beginning of a relationship doesn’t last but 1-2 times a week isn’t a lot to start a relationship with.
Anon
1-2 times/week (more like one honestly) was our situation as DINKs for many years. Long work hours meant it was a weekend-only thing, and life and chores meant that we weren’t spending entire weekend afternoons in bed. From talking to friends, I don’t think we’re wildly outside the realm of normal and I think it’s quite a stretch to say that he’s not “enthusiastically hetero” because it was only 1-2 times/week before kids.
Anon
Are you a troll? Most research on this topic says that married couples under 40 (I think) garden on average twice a week. Once or twice a week seems totally normal.
Anon
Anon at 2:19, you’re totally right! The research supports that 1-2 times a week is the average for married couples under 30.
Sadie
I don’t know any married couples who garden more than 1-2 times a week.
alsoanonforthis
I have a very similar situation. I agree that you may find a medical solution. We did not.
We’ve been in couples counseling about it for 4 years. It hasn’t improved, but we’ve used the time to work out our feelings around that fact. About 2 years ago (I was also seeing a counselor independently) I hit a decision point– my husband is amazing in so many ways, but we are not in a match in this way. He doesn’t have a problem, and I don’t have a problem. Either this is an unmet need that is relationship ending for me, or it’s not. I decided it’s not, and that has given me a lot of peace because we’ve tried many things, and it hasn’t changed. It sounds like you still have some investigating to do, but as with many things in relationships, I think at some point you have to decide if the relationship still works for you even though some needs are not entirely met. I understand that for many people, this particular unmet need would be unacceptable, and it was/is really difficult (and sad) for me too. We were incredibly lucky that we were able to get pregnant after literally one try, so it hasn’t been a barrier to us having a baby, which was another one of my concerns.
Another anon
Could you provide a bit more detail about your situation? I’m not the OP, but in a similar situation. What did you try? What are thought to be the causes of your husband’s low drive? Thanks if you are willing to share this information.
Anonymous
Not the OP but I’m in a similar situation. Remember men’s drives peak at 18, women’s peak at 35-40. Apparently most women’s drives go down in perimenopause so this is a short term problem. My husband never wants to do it and I’ve stopped initiating – for me it’s not a dealbreaker. We have sex 2x a year, usually while drunk and it’s over in 5 minutes. Shrug.
Anon
“women’s peak at 35-40”
Wow, this is news to me. That’s when most women I know have had the least desire, although most of us were in the thick of pregnancy/br*astfeeding for many of those years.
Liz
I’m pretty sure the “men peak at 18, women peak at 30/35/40” thing is an urban myth.
Anonymous
Time to get a side guy. Open up that marriage FTW! He’ll probably be relieved the pressure is off.
Anonymous
I know this is a troll comment but honestly, this is one of three options the OP has. The other two are learn to live with it or get a divorce. I believe in Dan Savage’s advice that one person does not get to decide that another person is going to live the rest of their lives asexually. My husband is 48 and I am 42 and we’re gardening about once a week to once every two weeks, which is fine on both sides. But if he was to say “sorry, I’m over the sex thing and don’t want to do it anymore” I, personally, would not be able to live with that and so the other options would be get a divorce (which I don’t want to do) or open up the marriage (which I think I could do discreetly and of course there would be ground rules). Living without gardening is not something some of us can do. There shouldn’t be any more judgement for that than there is for people who are naturally asexual.
CD Info?
Anyone know of an independent sites that list the going rates of various CDs across banks? We’ve amassed enough in our emergency fund that we feel good moving part of it into something with a little bit higher interest rate but trying to figure out the best option. Thanks!
Lana Del Raygun
NerdWallet?
Anon
Just Google it. There are many, many websites that do this.
Anon
I just opened one with CitizensAccess. I thought their money market and CD rates were great. Super easy interface, too. They’re affiliated with Citizens Bank but this division legit only does CDs and MMAs and is all online. Rates are coming in the last couple days so maybe there’s something better out there right now, but 4 weeks ago they were the clear winner. I like BankRate and NerdWallet.
CD Info?
Thanks! both nerdwallet and bankrate had what I was looking for.
Anon
I posted this too late on yesterday’s afternoon thread:
For those of you who take antidepressants and have dealt with the “poop out,” do you eventually find a drug that works for you long-term or do you have to keep playing prescription musical chairs forever? I seem to be able to get about 15 months out of a drug before it stops working for me. The fall-off and the transition are zero fun and I’m wondering if I’ll have to deal with this for years and years.
In the alternative, any experience with Trintellix? It sounds great.
Anon
I don’t know that I’ll be much help, unfortunately. I have been on three antidepressants over the last 16 years. Started with Prozac (6 months), switched to Wellbutrin (7 years), switched to Pristiq (8 years and counting), and am adding Wellbutrin back into the mix today (but staying on Pristiq as well). Two complicating factors to that timeline: my Pristiq dosage increased at about the 5 year (of 8 years) mark, and I added Rexulti for about 8 months a year and a half or so ago. It was intended to be short term and did it’s job until it felt too “oppressive”–that’s not quite the right word, but something along the lines of flattening me out too much.
I’d say to maybe look for a different doctor if you’ve had the same one for all these changes? Over the course of changing cities three or four times, I’ve had different doctors and they definitely all have their own way of doing things. A couple I’ve tired have been really unhelpful but I’m not sure I would have recognized that without the experience of having better ones historically. Alternatively, try an increased dosage instead of changing meds?
Good luck!
Anon
Yes, I was on a few different meds before finding my current combo/dose that I’ve been on for like ten years. Adding a second medication really made a difference for me. Also, make sure you have the right diagnosis because if you’re taking the wrong meds that could be why they’re not working (eg: taking antidepressants when you’re actually bipolar).
Anonymous
I have a family member on Trintellix and it has been great for him after experiments with Prozac, Zoloft, etc. I really recommend the GenoMind test to all who are searching for which anti-depressant to take. It makes recommendations based on a DNA test. The field of pharmagenetics (sp?) is becoming increasingly useful to people.
Anon
Thanks to everyone who answered my question yesterday about saving for retirement with a HHI of $100k and relatively high expected assets for that income. I think switching all our accounts to Roth as suggested by many of you makes sense, but I also found out I can have a free consult with a financial advisor through work, so I’m going to see that person next week for advice on our specific situation before I do anything.
Anon
I am curious, what program at work covers a financial advisor?
MomAnon4This
Probably through the employee assistance program (EAP)
Anonymous
My husband’s employer offers one of these through Fidelity. It is a freaking joke. If you set up an appointment for retirement advice, just put you through a canned questionnaire and then tell you to put your money in a target date fund. They won’t advise on asset allocation in a spouse’s retirement account.
FId
Not the OP but my workplace has this. Our 401s are managed by Fidelity and they have someone available for appointments once a week. My company is 3000+ people though, so we probably generate enough business to keep someone busy.
OP
Financial advisor is maybe not the right term. My employer’s retirement plans are through Fidelity and we can meet with a Fidelity “retirement consultant” for free as part of our benefits. I assume they can only offer advice on retirement savings (and presumably push Fidelity accounts), they can’t look at the rest of your finances. So not a real financial advisor.
anon0321
Just make sure they have a fiduciary duty to you- many financial advisers make $ off of selling certain preferred stocks.
OP
Oh I don’t plan to buy anything at all, and we only do index funds. I just plan to ask for advice on Roth vs traditional (basically to confirm the advice I received here). If they seem too salesy I will peace out.
Bathroom Update On The Cheap
I am updating my guest bathroom but trying not to spend much. I’m getting a new rug and some new art on the walls, which will make a big improvement. I may paint if I get bold enough to do it myself. That leaves two things that seem most dated to me, which are 1) the faucet and 2) the light fixture.
Can I paint existing bathroom hardware? The faucet and hardware in this bathroom are oil-rubbed bronze. I like the shapes but don’t love the oil rubbed bronze anymore– I feel like it’s starting to look dated to me. Am I making that up? Should I just leave the oil rubbed bronze? Or could I paint these– I’m thinking a brushed/matte gold finish. Not shiny like 90s brass. I don’t think I want to spend $500+ to replace the fixtures, but I could paint them. Any thoughts?
The other dated part is the light fixture– it has three frosted glass globe-things that are shaped kind of like upside down flowers. Sort of oval shaped frosted glass globe with a fluted ruffle thing at the bottom. I’d like to use a more modern globe but am not sure what? Any suggestions? Am I right that this is as simple as buying new globes and screwing them into the existing fixture, or am I overlooking something?
Anon
Don’t paint a faucet – it’s touched too often. You can get a new fixture at HD/Lowe’s for under $100. Spray painting drawer pulls lasts ok.
Re: the globes, head to the lighting section at HD/Lowe’s where they also sell plenty of globes in chicer styles – super easy to change out.
Rainbow Hair
This advice is spot on! You *can* paint the faucet, but it won’t last and I think you’ll regret it pretty soon. But I think you can definitely get a faucet you’ll like for less than $500!
Em
+1 We just upgraded the faucet and light fixture in one of our bathrooms this week and were able to get mid-range options at Lowe’s for under $250 total. They had a good selection of globes for around $10 each, so if you just switched those out it would be even cheaper.
Anonymous
Sounds like a great project. Changing a light fixture and faucets will make a big difference. Just go look at all your options at Home Depot. You may need a plumber or an electrician but it’s a minimal charge for a big difference. Have fun!
anon
I have never tried replacing just the globes on a fixture, but I have replaced whole fixtures, and that is quite simple too, if you find something completely different you would prefer. Either way make sure you can comfortably reach the ceiling–it’s a pain on a wobbly ladder, or if you are right at the tips of your fingers.
Anon2
I too have replaced entire fixtures myself. I suggest watching a few YouTube videos for basic instructions.
Casper
You can paint metal faucets using spray paint for metal. I’d disassemble the faucet first though and if you’re doing that you might as well get a new faucet. You can find them online for under $100 and they’re not hard to install.
For the light fixture you’d have to see how the globes are attached. Most are held on by the lightbulb or a knut behind the bulb so it’s as simple as unscrewing the old one and screwing on a new one. Light fixtures are pretty easy to swap out too. The new fixture will come with instructions. Mostly a matter of untwisting some wires and retwisting the new ones. Just make sure you turn off the power source first
anon0321
Agree don’t pain the faucet. I have changed the globes on lights- most hardware stores will have a selection, just bring in one to see the size of the opening so you can make sure it’s the right size.
Anon
I know the blog Little Green Notebook has spray painted faucets before – but her blog is down today so I can’t link you to the page. But here is another example: http://diykindagirl.blogspot.com/2012/01/painting-bathroom-faucet.html .
Lilly
Take a close look at the globes. Are there little screws or clasps holding them in place? If so, you can replace them. Take one off and measure it or take it with you to choose new ones so that the new globes’ base is the same size.
katelyn
When you’re applying for jobs, what does “do you have time for a call mean?”
After sending in my application there are a few times where I get seemingly-casual emails that say “do you have time for a call”? Is this just a phone screen? An actual interview? I just had one that was 1 hour long, so I’m assuming that was an interview.
Vicky Austin
…that seems weird? I never had anybody say anything like that, it was always “I’d like to schedule a phone interview with you.”
Maybe try responding with, “I have time for a quick chat right now; did you have something more formal in mind? I am free from 2-3 on Wednesdays and 4-5 on Thursdays.”
But also, what kind of jobs are you applying for?
Anonymous
Depends on who you’re talking with. If it’s a recruiter (internal or external) then it’s a phone screen. If you’re talking to the hiring manager it’s an interview. Either way, your goal is to show you have both the skills and experience as well as being easy to work with.
anon0321
Are you applying through a recruiter? I’ve had recruiters do that to see if they should put me in for the job. Otherwise, I’d treat it like a phone screening and ask what you need to be prepared for it.
Anon 4 This
We do this with basically any resume that comes in the door – from HR or otherwise – that looks remotely promising (which can be a high number). A big part of our work is interpersonal, in addition to killer analytical and mathematical skills. That initial phone screen, although less intense than an in-person interview, is really, really important to us. If you don’t fit with the team from the outset on the phone, there’s not a place for you here.
Also, we also get SO MANY CLIENTS saying “hey here’s my nephews wife’s neighbor’s kid’s best friend’s babysitter’s dog walker – could you talk to her and see if she’s a fit??” We have to appease our client and say yes, but we also won’t waste the time of the formal ‘recruiting committee’ if the person can’t clear a conversation on the phone. HR plays next to no role in our hiring process apart from administrative things – listing jobs, extending offers, and hiring paperwork. We’re a medium sized public company.
not OP
so, that would be like a screening call?
BB
I’m a hiring manager and I think I’ve sent notes like “do you have time for a call.” And yes, it is absolutely an interview, but generally a shorter one where I try to figure out if you’re worth bringing in for longer interviews. I would prepare for one exactly like an interview.
kk
Last week, I went to get my hair color done at the usual salon, but a new stylist. I have similar hair texturing and coloring as Jennifer Aniston (light eyes, tan skin, medium brownish hair)- but I’m usually going for a more polished look- like Reese Witherspoon but a cooler, ashier blonde. I brought pinterest pictures of what I do and dont like, and I walked out of there with an Olson-twin level grungy “rooty” look, and really golden ends – not at all what I asked for. I’m going back today for them to fix it- what words or resources would help to communicate what I’m looking for here? Should I bring actual magazine pictures?
Anonymous
Yes, I would definitely bring actual pictures of what you want if you have them.
anon a mouse
I’m confused – you showed them pinterest pictures and they still did something different than expected? That is definitely a mistake on their part. You could bring magazine pictures I supposed, but more important is that the stylist clearly communicates what she understands your expectations to be. Not just you saying something and getting “okay” as an answer. You want clear two-way communication.
anon0321
Bring a picture for sure. I think what they gave you is very on trend right now (ombre-style), so they may not have realized you didn’t want that.
Idea
Yes, bring actual magazine pictures and if you have a picture of yourself after a previous style that you like (you know, the “I just walked out of a salon!” selfie then also have that available. Seriously, just make an album on your phone for these photos and show it to the stylist. Be able to articulate if you didn’t like the CUT or the COLOR of your previous style – from your post I can’t tell. What does “rooty” mean – like, too much dark hair at the roots?
anon
Pictures! As close as possible to what you actually want (vs this one but cooler blonde).
CostAccountant
Also, be very clear about what you don’t like. “I do not like ombre, I like one color.”
Anon
Just another day – altar boy Kavanaugh proving his anti-abortion bona fides (how’s that working out for Senator Collins? Is she still convinced he’ll preserve Roe?) in the same week as the Catholic church’s scandal du jour in which dirty priests impregnated nuns and then procured secret abortions for them. What a great time we live in.
Anonymous
Zero surprises. DH’s dad left the priesthood after he got tired priests using diocesean funds to fly their girlfriends to neighbouring country with available abortions and then preaching against abortions in the pulpit. 100% do as I say, not as I do.
Anon
What do you expect lay Catholics to do about the church scandals? I hate abortion, which is why I hate what the priests did. I’m not going to start supporting abortion because evil people in the Church abused their rank to harm women and children.
not OP
Well, TBH, I think I would pose the same question to you. As a Catholic, what are you going to do about this? Because the rest of the world may see you as part of the group–the word “Catholic” is the more defining part of the phrase you used than the word “lay”.
Anon
As someone that grew up catholic, I can’t support the church and don’t go to church or give money to the church anymore. It would be one thing if it was a few bad apples- but they systematically knew there were problems and covered them up for the benefit of their priests and disadvantage of their congregants. That’s my personal stance on it.
Em
Personally, as a former lay Catholic, I converted to the Episcopalian church.
pugsnbourbon
My parents, both cradle Catholics, have completely stopped going to or supporting the Church in any way. I think it was a long time coming but the reports out of Philly were the last straw. That and long convos with my mom about reproductive justice. I stopped practicing as soon as I started college.
Hassled
I’m an attorney (senior assoc at a small firm), and I’m being frequently hassled by a file clerk. First, he asks me a a lot of “why” questions – i.e., why did I print to the printer I did, why did I scan a document, why do I need a bookcase (even though he was not involved in bookcase procurement), why did I leave one day at a certain time, etc. He is generally in charge of office supplies, and the only thing I ever asked for him to do was help me get some basic supplies that were not in the supply closet, and it turned into very long discussion about, again, why I needed these very inexpensive items. After waiting for months, and following up with him numerous times and having many why conversations, I ended up just buying them myself. He asked me why I did that too, and in doing so barged into my office and opened my storage areas (drawers, cabinet), and asked me why I was using them in the way I was using them.
I feel all of this is somewhere between tremendously annoying and inappropriate, and I want it to stop. Should I talk with him about this, talk to other associates to see if they have had similar issues, bring this to HR, or bring to a partner I trust?
Nope
Oh hell no. Who is boss of the file clerks? This is wildly inappropriate and unacceptable. Boss of file clerk needs to tell him 1) never go in your office ever, and 2) never ask you another question about anything ever again. The answer is you need what you need because you need it and THATS IT and it’s also none of his business.
Anonymous
Did you post about this yesterday? if so I’m confused. I thought that it was the office manager yesterday –he’s just a file clerk? Maybe I’m reading too quickly.
Either way, is the problem that you and he just don’t get along, or is he like this with everyone? Yesterday’s advice was that you talk to some people at your firm, if I remember correctly.
Anonymous
Oh heck no. I wonder if he does this to men (probably not). What is your response to him when he asks you these things? If you’re giving him a real answer and not shutting him down, then I think you need to change that. With the why questions – “Excuse me?” delivered with an eyebrow raise and promptly walking away/physically turning away from him. And if he pushes – “Why do you think it’s ok to question me about this?” or “Because I want to.” – depending on your comfort level. When he barged into your office you should’ve instructed him to gtfo. I think I’d try being more forceful with him and see if his attitude changes. If it doesn’t then go to whomever manages the staff in your office. I would not talk to a partner about this. Doesn’t hurt to talk to other associates, but I would assume this is gender biased behavior.
Anonymous
I know this will go against the grain of what others will say, but my suggestion is to leave him alone and ignore him as much as possible. He may have his own set of challenges and there may be good reasons for you to take the high road and be kind.
anon
Agree here 100%…be careful and always take the high road. You are the senior person, professional, not admin staff….about 15 years ago I worked in an office where I was the only professional woman (not admin staff) and rest of team were men…I was harassed by the female office manager and 1 other top admin on a daily basis – you can’t do it that way, you can’t use that tool, you have to use this paper not that one, you don’t know how to do your job because you’re using the wrong supplies and not using the stamps we provided you, you cant put those files in that cabinet, etc. etc. etc. and they also brought these things to my boss….who would talk to me about these things and just shake his head…. I learned that the office manager had her own set of challenges and although she decided to make me the target of her misery, ultimately, I decided to take the high road and be kind. This scenario caused me some stress at the time but looking back I wouldn’t change things….for admin staff, nit picking on these things is their power and may bring satisfaction or feelings of authority….you have no idea what challenges they may have in their personal life. You will never regret being kind.
Eh
Being kind does not mean being a doormat. You do not have to be unkind to this to put a stop to it. It is unacceptable. It may be because he has challenges, but it is still unacceptable. You can talk to him with kindness, but what you allow is what will continue, and I would not allow this to continue.
Anon
i am Blessed in many ways and do not find it hard to have mercy on those less fortunate than me – have some compassion and understanding for admin staff if you are a “senior level” employee – show real leadership- none of that makes you a doormat
blueberries
This is bizarre. I’d coldly shut him down every time it happens. I’d also say something to his boss (office manager?).
Flats Only
This will sound horrible, but I speak from experience. Sometimes these types of low-level admin jobs go to workers who are slightly mentally handicapped, but are capable enough that you may not notice anything until you try to get/do something out of their comfort zone, such as asking for different supplies. That might explain the odd-seeming questions and lack of boundaries in going through your office. Employing these folks is certainly a worthy thing, but when no one tells you the real situation it can be a little jarring when you encounter difficulties.
Idea
This is what I’m thinking, too. Like, he’s not good at interacting with people, or new people, or literally does not understand boundaries. Definitely be kind and ask around what the real issues are.
Oddity
Yeah, the way you’ve described his behavior sounds REALLY aggravating, but also not hostile. Just… kind of dumb? like a child with the Why questions. Maybe he has some kind of disorder – social or mental.
I would be blunt as possible with him when the opportunity arises, but also maybe query the higher ups as to how you can 1) keep him out of your office and 2) how you can get things/product without involving him.
Anon
Agree- I have found 2 types of people that do long term clerk type work- either they are smart and unreliable/annoying or not so bright and dependable (hopefully not all those things). I’d just avoid him as much as possible. I’d lock my drawers too.
Anonymous
Just reply with “because that’s what I want” to every ‘why’.
Anon
Even if he does have some kind of disability it’s extremely inappropriate for him to go through your files. You need to be firm and escalate.
Hassled
Thanks for the input all, and no I didn’t post about this yesterday (our office manager is great!).
I have been taking the high road and being polite and patient with him, as I think it usually the answer, but here I actually do regret it. This has really interrupted my efficiency and my ability to work at my best. He interrupts me multiple times a day, including sometimes when I am on the phone. There are numerous times I couldn’t even remember what I was typing or doing, and even worse, my train of thought on a meet and confer was lost. I totally agree this behavior is not overtly hostile, but that doesn’t mean I should I have to put up with it day after day (and it doesn’t mean it isn’t a microaggression). I am going to speak with a few other attorneys at my level and see what they say before figuring out next steps. I am beyond just sitting and doing nothing.
Rainbow Hair
Is there any advantage to an “invitation code” to poshmark? If so, wanna hit me up with one?
ATL rette
You get $5, I get $5. If you post a burner email, I’ll send you my code (not comfortable having my username that links to my Poshmark profile on a site!) :)
Rainbow Hair
My burner email is my name up there plus E T T E at the mail provided by google.
ATL rette
Just sent it to you!
Legal Assistant
A young woman who babysits for me is looking for a job as a legal assistant. I am a lawyer but have not been involved in hiring assistants. I want to help her apply for a particular job I saw posted by an acquaintance of mine.
What is important on a resume for a legal assistant? I am helping her tweak her resume– she does not have legal assistant experience. She is 21 and has taken some college courses, and most of her work experience has been customer service or childcare. She’s very smart and capable, and I’m happy to recommend her, but I want to help gear her resume towards a legal position– I’m not sure how to frame her unrelated experience. I am also helping her with her cover letter and would appreciate any suggestions on either resume or cover letter. Thanks hive!
Anon
Honestly, you can most help by giving a personal recommendation. No amount of tweaking is going to turn childcare, customer service, and lack of degree into a legal assistant resume. But if you can vouch about her hard work and ability to learn and perform well, that will carry a lot of weight, probably more than the resume.
Anon
I’d call and ask your acquaintance what the requirements are. You have to have a bachelor’s (and preferably an advanced degree, too) to be an assistant at my firm (:head desk: yes, I know, I’m not in charge – that degree inflation is going to keep everyone in school til they’re 30 if we as a society don’t get off the merry-go-round). No point in getting her hopes up if they require a degree and experience.
If she does apply, I’d play up other characteristics, not job duties. “While I don’t have any legal experience, I am detail-oriented, polite, and organized.” That’s all most people want from an assistant.
MomAnon4This
Definitely talk to the job poster. Some people want a legal assistant with 30 years of experience. Others are happy to train newbies. But maybe also set up an informational interview between the job poster and your helper
Anon
Play up her characteristics: smart, detail-oriented, takes direction well, learns quickly, easy to get along with.
She will need to be very adept with Office software, so any concrete skills in that area would be helpful. The women here can correct this advice, but she may want to put things like number words per minute she types.
Research skills?
Tired mom
Moms of teens: How do you get your kids to put an appropriate amount of effort into their schoolwork? My seventh-grader just started a new course that is supposed to require 2-3 hours of work per week. This week, she spent at least 12 hours just on this one class, keeping both of us up at least two hours late every night. I e-mailed the teacher, and found out that on one assignment my daughter had written at least three times as much as the assignment called for. I’m actually worried that she’ll have points deducted because she didn’t satisfy the assignment and fudged the formatting to cram all of her material onto fewer pages.
I am exhausted. I’ve been missing my morning workouts and can’t concentrate at work from lack of sleep. I don’t want to just let her stay up and work alone after I’ve gone to bed, because she would keep working even longer and stay up even later. How do you teach your kids to put in the appropriate amount of work, then let it go? She needs to learn this before she gets to high school and it really becomes a problem. I know a couple of high school kids who never figured it out and stay up until 3:00 every night studying. I don’t want that to be my daughter.
Anon
Have you reviewed the assignments for this class? Is it possible that the teacher is grossly underestimating the amount of work to make an A project result because that happened sooooo much when I was in HS. For some AP classes, just to get the amount of material in a digestible form to pass the course tests you had to outline the textbook like a law school class – my classmates and I eventually just divided the text book into pieces and exchanged outlines lol. All this to say it’s very possibly a teacher problem not a daughter problem.
If it’s a daughter issue, now is a good way to teach her balance and the concept of “perfect is the enemy of good” and how to time manage based on priority and necessity. She might be able to put things in perspective by looking at the percentage weight of the assignment and how many hours you all can estimate will result in a “good enough” work versus “probably perfect but also too much”, then looking at how many hours she needs to dedicate to other stuff + sleep (especially if your daughter is analytical or type A this data will help – a type A person will generally be too alarmed at absolute destruction of their organized system to concentrate solely on one less important thing).
Tired mom
It appears to be partly a teacher problem and partly a kid problem. The assignments look to me like 4-6 hours’ worth of work per week, not 2-3 (as the teacher claims) or 12 (what daughter spent even with substantial nagging to wrap it up). How do you deal with a teacher who assigns too much work? The teacher’s suggestion was to drop the class if it’s too much, which was not exactly helpful.
Anon
“The teacher’s suggestion was to drop the class if it’s too much, which was not exactly helpful.”
Why is this not helpful? If a class is too much work, then it’s too much work. There’s more to life than having a schedule full of honors and AP classes, and strictly from a college admissions perspective (which is only one factor, and not necessarily the most important one) a high GPA with a handful of accelerated classes is generally better than a mediocre GPA and a schedule full of accelerated classes.
Anonymous
Not helpful because the problem is not that she’s not capable of doing the work, but that (1) the teacher is assigning more work than she thinks, and more than school policy permits and (2) the kid is doing even more than assigned. She needs to be in this class because she is bored to tears in the regular class and not learning anything.
Anon
Bedtime is bedtime, she can’t stay up late to finish work. Sleep deprivation is far more detrimental to her future than not completing one assignment. She can pull all-nighters in college if she chooses, but not in my house. If she can’t complete her work in an appropriate timeframe, she may be in the the wrong class (eg, needs to drop from an honors class to a regular) or taking too many classes. In this case, it doesn’t sound like she can’t complete the work, but is rather just trying to put too much effort. Time to have a talk with her about setting boundaries and only doing what the assignment asks for. But seriously, just don’t let her stay up late. Read Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker if you want to be scared silly about the long-term effects of even a small amount of sleep deprivation.
Anonymous
Does this level of intensity or concentration or anxiety or overworking (or whatever this is) shows up in other areas of her life as well? What do you think the underlying issue is?
Is she incredibly detailed and literally doesn’t know how to tell when enough is enough? Is she terrified of not getting a good grade? Does she go down rabbit holes and lose sight of the big picture? Is she generally anxious and it comes out in obsessive work? Does she simply LOVE schoolwork and get lost in it?
Getting a feel for why this is happening will help you understand how to train her how to let it go.
MomAnon4This
I used to stay up late and finish my work at that age. She should have the self-discipline at this age to know when she is tired and to plan her nights (and her mornings, and your mornings) accordingly.
Anonymous
My teen was a procrastinator (which I understand because I am too), but I would tell her I will help you until 9:00 tonight and then we are both going to bed and if it is not done then too bad. She quickly learned to begin working sooner on the assignment AND to work more efficiently. It sounds like your daughter needs to learn to work more efficiently. If you impose a hard stop, she will learn to do the work in the allotted time.
anonshmanon
If she does indeed get points deducted, use that as an opportunity to talk about the criteria, thoroughly reading the assignment and following it.
Anon
Go check out the NYT article about this – it’s current and it’s called something like “Why girls do better in school and boys at work.” That article would say that your daughter is overworking herself for no reason.
AnonPara
In the NYT Sunday Review there was an interesting article that seems to indicate this is an issue worth looking at. It was titled “Why Girls Beat Boys at School and Lose to Them at the Office.”
JazzyRose
I sound like your daughter. It was helpful for my parents to tell me that middle school grades don’t matter once you’re in high school and high school grades only matter to the extent that you need them to get into college.
Vicky Austin
Does your daughter do this kind of going above and beyond regularly? If not, is she reacting to irrational demands the teacher is placing on her out of anxiety? What about her own perceptions of how this is not the regular class and she needs to do more than “regular” work?
Anon
Why are you up with her? A seventh grader (12yo?) does not need parental supervision to finish a paper. By staying up with her past bedtime, you are the enabler. I would ask if she is aware that her assignments are too long – did the teacher give her this feedback? – and ask her to shorten the time she puts into them to meet your bedtime. Regardless, you go to bed. She’ll need to figure this out and there is only so much you can do.
Anon
Your first order of business is to focus on what the assignment requires. If she’s supposed to write 3 pages, that’s approximately 1,000 words. Tell her that she’s done at 1,200 words – end of discussion.
Teach her to spend more time understanding the assignment. Teachers have a suggested word count or page count for a reason, and wildly exceeding that is not a good thing.
Talk to her about what is reasonable “above and beyond,” and what indicates a failure to understand the assignment and to manage her time.
Also talk to her about how this plays out in higher-level classes and throughout her life.
Anonymous
This was me. Turns out I had both ADHD and a significant mismatch between my verbal and non-verbal IQ. Made me awesome at school work but not so awesome at time management, prioritizing, quelling anxiety, etc.
New Practice Area hunting
I am a paralegal in Personal Injury Litigation, and I’ve decided I need to get out, for ALL the reasons that one wants to get out of the soul sucking depression that is PI and small mom and pop firms.
I’ve only done PI for 3 years, I have a masters degree in the Humanities, love the law, took the LSAT and civil procedure is my cup of tea. That being said, what are some of the best areas I could transition to, and what are some of the skills I should highlight on my resume? I know I do not have a ton of experience, but I am a quick learner and engaged thinker.
Anon
What is soul sucking depressing for you? I’m an attorney that does PI for a small firm and I love it. I can offer some suggestions but first I need to know what about it you liked and disliked.
OP
I suppose its the clientele that I have had. I can only listen to the reasons why a clients life has been ruined by XYZ so many times. I am not particularly good at managing clients or their expectations. I’ve suffered through many clients with mental illnesses that are fine one day and off the wall the next.
At the same time, I enjoy doc review. I also have enjoyed more complex cases I’ve worked on. I also dislike the money grubbing and the willingness of PI attys to toe the lines of ethics to get more money. But this might be localized to the small firms I’ve been apart of. I’ve had the joy of working at two different small firms that have equally bad management and are equally dysfunctional in the end.
Maybe I am too introverted and not compassionate enough for PI.
anon
Why not try a defense firm? There are insurance defense firms that do fairly interesting work in addition to dealing with PI claims- med mal, products liability, professional negligence, construction defects, government suits, etc. Key word is “defense,” so you don’t have to pretend to empathize with people who claim they’re physically destroyed because they were in a 5 mph fender bender. Lots of small ones with good atmospheres who would LOVE a paralegal who cares about the work and likes civ pro.
new job who dis
yessssss come to the dark side! (just kidding we’re not dark, I do good work weeding out false claims and insurance fraud)
I started as a paralegal doing PI like you and HATED IT. the hand-holding. the calls asking Where’s my Settlement Check. When’s my attorney settling my case. the complaints about pain. the faking about pain. the complaints about how they don’t have any money. arranging pre-settlement funding (OMG THIS WAS THE WORST) I just hated it all. Empathy for the actually injured people of course, but overall I just didn’t have it in me to “champion” for these people pretending like a check would make their injuries better.
All this to say, now I work on the defense side and I love it. much more suited to my tastes and personal philosophies. Like the other poster suggested, I also refined my practice-area and do SIU/fraud work to not only defend Insurance companies, but also to actively combat false claims/plaintiffs. Your PI work will be very valuable working on the other side of the table if you do choose to explore the defense side; don’t sell yourself short saying “only 3 years”
(sorry this is a novel, but make a list of opposing counsel you’ve worked with over the last few years. who are the nice people? competent attorneys? I would seriously consider reaching out to their firms first to explore your options. they will know your work and make be willing to extend help to you.)
Anon
PI Attorney here again:
I bet you would love defense work. My other suggestion is to find a more reputable PI firm. Maybe I sell my clients short but I shut down anything that sounds at all exaggerated. I screen my cases carefully. In the 7+ years I’ve been doing this type of work I’ve only seen 2 cases I determined were fraudulent and I got rid of them.
That said, I have a social work pre-law background and I’m good at all that hand holding stuff. I’m more therapist than attorney most days. You have very valuable skills and there are reputable defense firms to move to. Do your research though because you might not be happy at the extreme opposite end of the spectrum either. There are some firms that delay, deny, defend regardless of how legitimate a claim is. I would also find that soul crushing.
You should have inside info at this point as to where the good places are.
Stay away from plaintiff’s employment work. It is even more emotional hand holding than PI. Ditto divorce work.
Ms B
One of my besties is a paralegal who used to do PI and transitioned to immigration. She does a ton of writing in her current position, compared to her priors where she spent a lot of her time summarizing depos, preparing for trial, reviewing documents, and coordinating discovery. She is much happier in her current gig because she gets a lot of client contact and – bonus! – gets to WFH a couple days a week and have flex time.
One tip from watching her — she transitioned from what I would call a “lower end” PI firm to a more general practice firm that did “higher end” PI and that was a big improvement in her view. She even started moving from PI to commercial litigation before she left that firm. The issue for her became that she needed more flexibility than she got at the “better” firm, where there were demands on her time and a push for her to work more (although very well paid) hours.
Anonymous
Would a court clerk job appeal? Like not a JD clerking for the judge job, but an administrative job with a court.
Anon
I was a PI paralegal for two years and I found a new home in social policy research. Definitely recommend.
anon
This is a dumb question, and despite what it sounds like I do have social skills. So a person I’m friendly with introduced me via email to a couple of people that she thinks I’d really like friends-wise but could also be super useful professionally. I’m grabbing coffee with one of them tomorrow. The professional synergy she mentioned is that I want to run for office at some point and they have a fair of experience in politics, although they aren’t in politics right now. Anyway, so friend has made our mutual interests clear to both of us and suggested that we’d enjoy being friends. I all of a sudden don’t know how to approach coffee with this person. Maybe it’s because I’m more used to clearer lines between work and play. Do I just meet for coffee and talk like a normal person like I would if I were just meeting a new potential friend? What’s the least awkward way to stay in touch after/ do I reach out for coffee again? Ugh. help.
anon
HI, relax…this is easy networking. Here is a talk track…. When you meet for coffee, thank the person for taking time out of their busy schedule to meet with you. Touch briefly on your mutual friend, how nice it was for her to connect you and reiterate her reasoning, that she thought you have some common interests and may be able to share some insights from their previous experience in politics, running for office. Listen for them to acknowledge that was the reason for the meeting and listen for them to add anything to the agenda that they would like to discuss. Come prepared with a few smart questions that they can respond to – most people enjoy giving advice in their area of expertise….take some notes if you feel that’s appropriate. Ask a few follow up questions and thank them again…Ask if you can keep in touch as you go forward to explore running for office and what is the best way to keep in touch – email? phone? Try to reciprocate the networking by answering any questions they have or offering to connect them with other contacts you know that would be helpful to them. At end of meeting, reiterate again how you appreciate their taking the time to meet with you….
anon
When you’re a little offbeat in your work/social group, how do you really own it? What does that mean? I never really feel like I fit in anywhere, and one of my friends pointed out that I don’t share much of myself and so friends don’t really know me that well or know much about me. So being more open makes sense, but otherwise, how do I own the ways in which I’m different than my peers?
OP
I just go with the flow. I am a total weirdo. And whenever I get invited to things, I really have to convince myself to just be my normal weird self. And sure, this is going to turn some people off, and you are not going to be friends with everyone, especially more basic people. BUT, it is the key to finding those people you really fit with. I think the best things are to have a go to list of books I’ve read, movies I’ve watched, documentaries, weird historical stories I find interesting, strange factoids, and of course, nuanced political views which are entertaining as well as a window into who I am. Sure none of the people you are around have seen or heard of these things, but that doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it.
I think that interesting people will fit in anywhere. So just try to be interesting in your off-beatness. Try to relate the things that you find interesting to the things other people apparently find interesting.
ooOPs
OOPS. I forgot to change my “name”. OP at 2:51 is not the actual OP.
Fishie
Anybody ever bought anything from Lulus? They keep hitting me with online ads and the stuff looks cute at a low price, but it looks like it might be jr. sizes or super cheap or something. Looking for quality comparison – similar to Target, Old Navy, other?
Also, any suggestions where to find cute, cheap beach cover-ups that are not made of net or kimonos or child-sized for less than $75?
Anon
I have. They are definitely jr sized (which works well for me as I am short and petite). I like them because it’s one place where I can consistently find clothing that has a fitted waist. They do give measurements for dress lengths most of the time and you need to pay attention to that. They carry the more expensive (as opposed to Target / H&M/ F21) trendy brands like BB Dakota and Free People, but also a lot of just cheap trendy stuff. Most of it is poly or rayon. Quality will depend on the brand but the items I bought five years ago are still going strong and are classic enough to keep wearing and are actually some of my favorites. You have to pay return shipping. Many super sale items are final sale.
As for your second question, my coverup is a LOFT cotton dress. Something like this. Just wait for the 40% off.
https://www.loft.com/loft-beach-striped-split-neck-dress/459226?skuId=24590549&defaultColor=9000&catid=catl000048
Fishie
Thank you! Very helpful!