Suit of the Week: Boss

148 Comments

1. There is so much jacket bottom below the waist.

   1. Agree. I clicked through and I am loving the v-neck sweater in that color!

   2. It’s dress length…. almost reaches to her fingertips

      1. “almost at fingertips” is not dress length (!!!!!)

   3. As a tall, I love a long jacket.

      As well as nails that shine like justice.

      1. Just be sure to wear it with a short skirt.

         1. I’m changing my name from Kitty to Karen.

            1. That’s where I think that the song gets it wrong. Kitty is so preferable to Karen. Karen is only in there to rhyme with LeBaron. One of the best songs ever, so I forgive its few flaws.

               Back to picking up slack . . .

      2. This comment thread is giving me life.

2. Fashion question. We have a bar mitzvah this weekend and the reception will be outside now, for brunch, with a temp in the low 30s. I have a plan for me, but for my teens . . . black boots and fleece leggings under their dresses and the warmest coats we can wear? I can lend them some of my clothes that won’t be comical on them (longer skirts to hide the casual-ness, maybe a sweater or heattech cami), but I’m trying to look occasion-approriate for the inside service and then not freeze outside. This poor kid — what a worthy life event just trying to hang in there through COVID and winter weather. I know the mom planned it back when none of this was predictable and the studying for it has been going on for longer. I guess we can throw some hot hands in coat pockets and not linger, but help me think how to be respectful and comfortable (n.b., we are not Jewish; this is a Reform Temple).

   1. Long underwear tops and bottoms for sure, hand warmers will probably help, and I’d throw in a buff to keep cold wind off your necks. I think it’s very kind of you to attend and support this kid and their family.

      1. +1. Also, drink hot beverages if possible!

   2. I would not be going to an outside party in the low 30s. That’s not fun.

      1. I agree BUT this is a great kid that we have known for a long time and it would probably break her heart (and ours) to go to the ceremony and turn around and leave. They go to school together. Memories are long. It’s not her fault. If they were 5 again and could just run around, it would be better :)

         1. Thank you for going. A bat mitzvah is a huge milestone, and I feel terribly for this poor kid having hers in the middle of a pandemic winter. I have a much younger winter birthday kid who may never have a birthday party with friends because this pandemic is never-ending and people like Anon at 2:20 don’t want to hang out outdoors in 30 degree weather, and it really breaks my heart. I’m sure the parents and kid are very grateful you’re attending.

            1. 1/2 birthday parties for the win! We did these in lieu of birthday parties because one of my kids has a very inconvenient birthdate for parties. We would get 1/2 of two different cakes, sing “ Half a birthday to you” and just generally were silly with it. My son still talks about them, although he is well past the birthday parties of his younger years. Try one this year and see if it works for your winter birthday kid.

      2. +1 I understand we have to be flexible with COVID but this is a stupid plan. Better to cancel or postpone than expect your guests to enjoy themselves outside in 30 degree weather.

         1. Eh, doesn’t everyone bring out heaters for things like this now? I’d go and not linger. [If it were me, maybe the mom can donate the catering order to a food bank or shelter, but it’s just rough all around.]

   3. Given an outdoor reception in the winter (for a bar mitzvah or anything else really) everyone in attendance should understand dressing in many warm layers. If someone feels you are not formal enough, that’s their issue, not yours.

   4. Low thirties probably won’t be as bad if there are heaters or fire pits there. I would do normal winter clothes – thick tights or pants plus a knee length parka and warm winter boots. I’d lean towards wool/cashmere since you are at that temp where you could very easily overheat and end up in an acrylic sweater pool of sweat. If you have time, you could probably pick up some thick non-shinny running tights from your local store that will do the trick and the girls could just throw those on. Otherwise, it will be chilly but we all figured out how to stand outside waiting to go into a bar in the 90s in questionable amounts of clothing.

   5. I would go. Life is short and it is important to show up for people, especially kids. I would definitely pack a bunch of hot packs like you say. Sticking them in pockets or mittens. Don’t let formality factor in too much. Could even bring some snow pants or lined pants to change into. Key is warm hat, scarves and boots. Mittens instead of gloves. As long as you’re wearing outdoor apparel, you should be fine. Walk around a bit and talk vs. sitting. Seriously, I used to stand and wait at a boss stop for 45 minutes or more in much colder temps. You’ll be fine. Better to have an event outdoors with heaters than none at all, which is often the choice people are facing if they have elderly or immune compromised friends and relatives right now (I know as someone whose husband has cancer and hates how little we’re spending time indoors with others). Better to be a little miserable for a bit than not see anyone or risk others’ health in big ways. Bring some blankets with. Bundle up as soon as you get back in the car and blast the heat. You’ve got this.

   6. That sounds like a good strategy to me. Depending on the venue, I would assume there would be heaters involved. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

   7. So sweet of you to attend! At my synagogue these days we gather outdoors after services, and our focus is on bundling up, not on fashion. We’ve all got on big puffy coats, hats, etc. We’ve also gotten pretty into hot drinks…. If this synagogue is anything like mine, no one will fault you for trying to stay warm, and everyone will just be glad to be able to be together at all.

   8. I wouldn’t expect anyone to wear a dress outside in the 30s. If that is the expected dress code for this event (I’ve never attended a bar mitzvah), I’d put them in 2 layers of long underwear/fleece leggings. Layers trap air which insulates you.

   9. I think the middle ground is go for the service and make an appearance at brunch and then leave (unless you had to RSVP). Unless the outdoor brunch is so tented off with heaters it might as well be indoors, there is no clothing that can make low thirties eating comfortable (much less appropriate for the occasion).

   10. Will they have those big heaters? Maybe ask mom if you can help with rental costs or anything. Those make a HUGE difference – just ate outside with my son and, while we did keep our coats on, we didn’t really notice the cold much.

   11. Perhaps you can convince your teens to wear pants (not jeans or sweats) to the service, and before you head outdoors, have them slip into a restroom and add uniqlo heat tech or similar underlayers and switch to dry wool socks.

   12. Shortly before COVID I had an outdoor graveside burial in January. My outfit was lined wool black dress pants, with two pairs of tights underneath, heeled boots (pants were bootcut, so the pants broke nicely over the boots / no clear evidence that they were boots), nice blouse with cardigan, and then thin down coat underneath nice knee-length wool coat. Plus hat, scarf, gloves and heat packs. I always felt appropriately sleek and formal, and like I could shed enough of the layers to also look normal inside too. I also have the mentality that I can deal with being cold for 3 hours of my life. Life happens in all climates, you’re doing the right thing to go.

   13. Go! You’re a good friend. Warm coat & clothes for the win, fashion be dammed.

   14. Uniqlo ultra light compact down jacket under an outer coat FTW. Tights, boots, dress, sweater, then the down jacket and parka or wool coat on top.

       1. https://nymag.com/strategist/article/uniqlo-ultra-light-down-compact-jacket-review.html?utm_medium=s1&utm_source=tw&utm_campaign=thecut

3. I’m the pregnant poster from last week entering a big job. I searched through the archives to try to figure out when to talk to my new boss about the pregnancy and was surprised by how different 2011 Kat sounds from what I’m hearing on this board today. Did things actually change this much?
   https://corporette.com/taking-a-new-job-while-pregnant/
   When did you tell if you were starting a new job pregnant?

   FWIW, I manage people now and had an employee start at 7 months pregnant. She interviewed over the internet and we did not know. She disclosed about 3 weeks before her due date. We hired a temp and it was fine, but I wish she had disclosed a touch sooner since it was difficult getting a temp onboard so quickly. That said, if it was an unplanned medical situation of course no one would bat an eye. I think pregnancy gets much worse treatment because it’s seen as plannable and therefore plan-around-able.

   1. Have things changed that much in 11 years? Honestly, yes. In 2011, I wore a full suit to the office every day. I’m wearing jeans and a heating blanket today at home with my kid sitting on the floor below me on an ipad. A lot has changed.

      1. I wore hose religiously in 2011. Maybe denim if we had an announced “casual Friday.” More has changed than fashion.

   2. In 10 years, things just change. In 2011, we were all happy to have jobs. Lehman’s failure and mass sackings weren’t that far in the rear-view mirror. I was pregnant when my group left my then-law firm but had just gotten a + test, so wasn’t telling anyone. Moving firms and having a baby < 1 year in would have left me with no leave. I wasn't eager to press that in my negotiations, where I'd also be up for partner and there was a big face-time component. It was an effing disaster. It didn't matter because I lost the baby but this many years later, the anger comes right back up.

      1. +1 to all of this. I started my professional career in 1987. SO MUCH has changed and entirely for the better. Let’s hear it for progress.

   3. I just started a new job on Jan 3rd and just found out I’m pregnant. I’m wondering about this too! We are fully WFH so I’m hoping I can wait until 3-4 months. I’m also hoping they won’t hate me for this – I’ll try to build up a stellar reputation between now and then but I’m starting to feel pretty nauseated and not 100% productive…

   4. I think we all were still pretending that we weren’t in late stage capitalism them.

      1. But are we now? And what do you propose is next? I understand the negativity and cynicism, but I just don’t think we’re on the brink of any other -ism.

         1. Definitely not on the brink of any other -ism! Just not enamored with girl-bossing these days: https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2017/05/late-capitalism/524943/.

         2. I think now we are more clearly seeing and more openly discussing the hidden costs of all that unfettered growth. A study just came out that put a price tag on all the costs car driving incurs that are not borne by the car owner. Your mileage may literally vary in the details, but in the math of that study, car owners get an average hidden subsidy from society to the tune of $5k each year, when we put a price tag on land use, infrastructure, pollution, traffic incidents, noise etc. Wealth growth of Jeff Bezoz vs. warehouse workers not getting breaks is another.
            I don’t know that we are on the brink, but then again, did the people on the brink of something in history KNOW they were there? How would one know that?

         3. I don’t understand how your inability to imagine a different way of being means we’re *not* in late stage capitalism. That’s such bizarre logic.

   5. Yes, it has changed. I gave birth for the first time in 2009. The landscape was different, returning to work was different (laws about pumping time changed between both of my kids). Even as progressive as my DH is, he took only a week off and we didn’t try to split leave or anything. If we were having a baby today, we would be handling that differently. I’m not sure how much pregnancy disclosure has changed, but thankfully, we’ve made some positive steps in the right direction for what happens after the baby gets here (though let’s be real: it’s still not nearly enough, and I will keep advocating for families to get what they need).

   6. I got a county government job in 2006 and just before starting, I found out I was pregnant. I kept quiet until I passed the 14 week (amnio) mark, and then told them. I felt bad, but I had built a good reputation during those 14 weeks. I worked until the day before my c-section, probably because I felt guilty. In retrospect I could have taken off sooner. I certainly wouldn’t feel as guilty about it today.

4. I was going to post this yesterday but got busy and then came back and saw the question about whether men have an expiration date. This is a somewhat related post. I do not believe there is an automatic cut-off for people in general. That is an awful perspective. But I am wondering if I am, individually, past my expiration date.
   I am in my mid-40s and never married. I never really wanted to be married and so despite dating a lot in my young years, never locked anyone down and then I hit a very long drought and got very used to being alone. Most recently, I have dated someone for about 3 years and it ended a couple of months ago. That relationship worked because we were both once or twice a week daters not looking to combine households any time soon (though we talked about it in a very long-term way) and, frankly, pretty low expectations of each other. But I am thinking that was a bit of a unicorn and maybe I am undateable at this point. I have a home I am not looking to leave, but that would not accommodate someone else spending a lot of time in. I have aging pets who require me to be home with them and who likely could not be combined with another set of pets. I have an unpredictable litigation job. I’m not wealthy at all and still have debt. People really like me — I am the one at work people want at social events, I have many friends, etc. I am told I am attractive and I get casually hit on and complimented fairly often. But I don’t ever get asked out in any real way and, but for my last BF, I haven’t in . . . a very, very long time. So I am wondering what this looks like later in life. Does dating look a lot different now? Is everything much more planned? Do I have to use apps to find a date? Change up something? Can I have a relationship that never involves overnights or travel? Or am I in a season where I can’t really have a relationship and, given my age and circumstance, probably never will come out of this season and need to just get used to it? It’s funny, but if I had not met the last guy, and enjoyed having a companion, I’d probably be perfectly content. But unfortunately now I find myself wanting someone again.

   1. Are you me? I could have written this post. Curious what the hive has to say…

   2. You sound lovely! I am sorry your last relationship ended. I know it can be hard to put yourself out there but I do think you should try dating apps. I got married later in life, was perpetually single, the last of my friends to get married, etc. I think I just had bad luck and couldn’t find the right one for me. I have always been kind of shy and very rarely ever got asked out. I met my husband on a dating app. I always tried to have low expectations – hoping for a fun night out, or at least a change in my routine and maybe at least make a friend. Good luck to you! I am rooting for you!

   3. I didn’t post yesterday, but definitely take issue with the idea that anyone is undateable. However, it’s certainly true that the older you get, the harder it becomes to change your habits to accommodate someone else, and it can be harder to find a person who’s really a good match. I’m in my early 40s and have a chronic illness that places some real restrictions on how I have to live my life, in addition to other habits I’ve formed. I’ve been married for 10 years, but I’d really struggle if I were dating now, because I just don’t have that much flexibility in how I go about my life. However, all relationships require some compromise and I give as much as I can where I’m able. I think you need to figure out which things you can compromise and which things are really set, but there’s probably someone who feels the same, if you can find them. I think most people in their 40s have similar concerns and you’re not a unicorn.

   4. You’re not undateable! You sound like so many other people, from the way you describe yourself. I think you need to raise your expectations. You get what you put out there. If you have low expectations, you’ll get low or no quality dates.

      I’m late 30s, divorced 6 years ago, and single since then. I have turned to online dating, which I’ve never tried before. At first, I was willing to go on a date (outdoor dining during the summer) with pretty much anyone. I didn’t really click. I became much more selective, even though that means fewer matches and dates, and the quality has greatly improved. So much of dating is a numbers game.

      Also, I’ve never been asked out randomly since my 20s. I’m not sure if this is an age thing or reflective of the prevalence of online dating.

   5. Omg, that post was ridiculous and it’s never too late to date if that’s what you want. When you meet someone you’re crazy for and it’s mutual, you will work out all of the details you listed. Nothing there that can’t be resolved. And issues like those don’t stop just because you’re coupled up either. On the how to, I’m of the opinion that yes, if you want a relationship in 2022, you need to be dating on apps. That’s where other people who want to date are. You’ll waste a lot of valuable time waiting for an IRL meet cute otherwise. There will be jerks, losers, ghosters, and all of that, but there also could be someone fabulous. It only takes one. Signed, a similarly complicated gal who met and married the love of her life in her early 40s via an app.

      1. Well, maybe I should ask my real question — If no one has been crazy for me in 20+ years, should I just acknowledge that I am not that kind of woman and give up? But maybe I should bite the bullet, risk the humiliation I fear, and try app dating before giving up.

         1. No! I do believe there’s someone(s) for everyone. The question is how much time you want to spend looking for it/going on first dates to be open for it.

         2. Nope, you are just special and not for everyone! That’s okay! Some of us just have fewer people we’re compatible with, especially if your life goals don’t line up with the mainstream. But yes, definitely try to online/app date before you draw dramatic conclusions :)

            1. Oh, and on the humiliation issue, reframe how you think about it and view yourself as the person to satisfy. You’re vetting people to see if they work for you, you’re not trying to fit someone else’s mode. I probably dated at least 100+ people before I met my husband (I’m 3:46 above) and just thought of it as “I have an amazing open position for the right candidate, and I’m screening them.” I had some messy moments of course, I’m human. But it’s more likely to just not be a match than an exercise in humiliation.

            2. My worries about app dating are more about having people I know professionally or even socially see me on there. It is going to happen and I really hate the concept. Plus, I am the opposite of photogenic.

   6. I think if you’re living in a world where you think you’ll just live life and men will ask you out, yes, you won’t find anyone. If you want a partner you need to try to find one

      1. +1 you need to be an active participant in whatever you want in this life. Men aren’t going to knock on your door. Jobs are going to fall out of the sky. Money isnt going to invest itself. Friends aren’t going to always make the plans. If you want something, you have to make it happen. This internet stranger is rooting for you!

      2. This is so unhelpful. I read OP’s question as much more “is it possible to truly combine households/ have a full marriage/partnership when my life is this settled”, not, “why is no one dating me”. I am younger than OP and already feel this way— have a dog that can’t live with other dogs, own a house and have a lot of hobbies… I don’t necessarily see myself ever living with someone and think that’s a really reasonable want at this point in life, when your life is already “built”.

         1. Her last question was “people never ask Me out. Maybe do I really need to try online dating.”

            Yup. You do.

   7. I think you can most definitely have a relationship, but you may have to be more flexible in your lifestyle choices and/or make it really clear what you’re looking for once you start dating someone.

   8. I don’t think you can label yourself as undateable if you’re not out there trying to date. If you put yourself out there you will get dates. If you don’t want to put yourself out there, you probably won’t.

      Either option is perfectly valid.

      1. What does “put yourself out there” mean? Does that necessarily mean use apps? Is there an alternative besides a matchmaking service (not an option) or no?

         1. I always recommend speed dating when this comes up.

            1. This is probably the right alternative and I have looked into it. Unfortunately, I am at an awkward age for this right now. I’ve either completely aged out or will be placed in a category of 45+ with no cap, which hosts have confirmed typically skews well outside my comfort zone or is cancelled.

         2. I’ve met my post-college bfs through mutual friends, at a concert, or sitting alone at a restaurant bar. The women I know who use online dating are getting repeatedly pumped and dumped but maybe that’s a function of our ages and location.

            If this OP is looking for something with low commitment with a man i almost feel like that will be easier.

            1. Wow. Pump and dump is a really gross term in this context.

               Also I know a lot of people who have met serious SOs on apps, so miss me with all this judgment.

            2. Not my experience at all online. And some of us just enjoy a little gardening in between relationships too….

            3. Yikes. I met my husband on OKCupid… So….disagree.

   9. If you are getting hit on, you can get asked out. Laugh, smile, show genuine interest in them (if interested), keep the conversation going.

      You aren’t undateable or unmarriageable. Romance isn’t just for teenagers. As men GWT older, they want different things, and anyone with any sense knows they are getting a person with some baggage.

      1. OP here — I mean I get hit on/complimented by people who are unsuitable or not actually interested in dating/relationship (married, 28-35, randoms on the street, couples looking for a third, etc.).

   10. I say this half-joking, but you sound perfect for my dad! Which is to say that I think there are people out there who like this kind of arrangement. My dad never wants to get married again, likes living alone, does not want to move and does not want a woman to live with him. He is happy to spend overnights together at either house, travel together, get together for dinner, etc. He is active and has his own social life, but enjoys companionship. He has had two long-term relationships in the past that also enjoyed their own homes, pets, etc. but liked his companionship. I think eventually a partner wants someone to spend the night occasionally and I think most people want to travel together, so maybe figure out if those things can work for you eventually.

       1. Where does your dad live? ;-)

   11. There was an article years ago (I think NYT) that talked about the increasing trend of relationship where when want a partner but never want to live with that person. I’d link it if I could ever find the article. Short version, there are a lot more women (and even men) like you that a “not looking to combine households” relationship really works for – gets more common as you get older for a variety of reasons.

       1. I am married and if something happens to my husband, there’s no way I’m getting married again to a new guy. At my age (late 40s) and beyond, there’s a high likelihood I would end up with someone who was looking for a “nurse with a purse” and I’m not interested in that. Nor am I interested in being a stepmom to children still living at home, or really making a new family with a new person. I had my family. I did all that. Not interested in trying to “start over” in my 50s. Having a nice companion who comes over a couple of times a week and we do stuff together and maybe have a little somethin-somethin and then he goes home? and he maintains his own house and I get to maintain my space? Sounds great. Sign me up.

   12. You sound lovely and totally dateable. Do you want to travel with someone, or by yourself? Do you enjoy dining or going to shows by yourself? My aunt got divorced late and these were her reasons for dating since her friends were coupled. You may answer differently! (As you get older be wary of men who want to marry you to have a “nurse and a purse,” though.)

       1. Another idea along travel/dinner lines: if you want companionship more than romance/s£x, then focus on extrovert hobbies and see who you meet. Maybe you’ll meet a great new bff.

          1. I am definitely not just looking for a new bff. I have social plans 5 nights this week — local pub, dinner and concert, local brewery, cocktail bar, dinner and the theater — all with different friends, male and female, plus a daily text chain with my bff. I just really enjoyed having a consistent emotional/intellectual/romantic relationship with a man and now feel the void. But extrovert hobbies might still be a good plan for meeting that next guy. What do you consider those to be? I mostly do the things listed, both solo and with others, and go to the gym.

   13. You’re not past your expiration date, you’re just looking for a “living apart relationship”, or living apart together-style, a contemporary Simone de Beauvoir-style (with a nicer guy!).

       I’ve seen statistics for Europe noting that around ten percent of people are in living apart relationships, so it’s neither rare nor odd, you just need to find the guys that want the same. It’s supposed to be more common as people get older to want this, not a weird thing.

5. This is extremely low stakes, but is anyone else SICK of their reusable masks at this point in the pandemic? I’m tired of all of mine, they are looking a bit worn, but I’m continually hoping that we are close to not wearing them so am having trouble spending the money on more. The disposable ones are worse (for me) because I just picture the Earth being covered with a thick layer of disposable blue surgical masks so I feel better using reusable.

   TL;DR: I’m tired of my masks, should I buy new ones?

   1. Yes — if it makes you less miserable, definitely yes.

   2. N95 and KN95 can be worn at least 40 hours. I WFH and am pretty cautious, so I’m pretty much only inside for brief visits to stores and medical appointments. I’ve been wearing the same 4-5 KN95s for more than a year and they’re still clean and the straps are still tight (don’t wear makeup or get sweaty while wearing them and they air out between uses). If you wear them more, you’ll go through them faster, but they’re not just one time use.

      1. The electrostatic charge dissipates, though, so I don’t think you want to use them for *that* long. They do have expiration dates.

         1. The expiration date is usually a year or two away, so it takes a long time to dissipate. And even without any electrostatic charge, a KN95 is significantly better than a cloth mask just because of fit. It’s a much closer fit to my face than any cloth mask I’ve tried.

         2. Sorry, that was poorly phrased- I bought a box of 5 and have used 4 or 5 of them over a year, but I’m not still using the one I first opened a year ago. That said, the expiration dates for n95s are usually 5 years out and research has shown they usually still work fine after that, as long as the elastic still works.

   3. I’ve stopped using my reusable masks (which is annoying, because I have about 20 of them and also hate disposable as a concept). I’ve read several articles recently explaining that KN95/N95 are better due to the electrostatic charge, not just the better fit or additional layers of filtration. This article has helpful graphics. I do reuse KN95s for several weeks, on a rotation, unless one is visibly dirty.

      https://www.usatoday.com/in-depth/graphics/2022/01/07/omicron-mask-upgrade-guide-how-n-95-and-kn-95-protect-you-better-than-cloth/9129901002/

      1. Same. I recently washed and put in storage all ~30 cloth masks I have for my family of 4. We all wear KF94s or KN95s now (reusing as appropriate). It feels really defeating as I had hoped we’d put the cloth masks away because we didn’t need to mask any more, not because we needed better masks.

   4. I wear reusable masks with a built-in filter that claims to filter similarly to an N95. This is because I have now spent more than $100 trying out numerous varieties and sizes of KF94 and KN95 masks that are all worthless because they gap and leak. The manufacturer claims that the masks are tested to maintain their filtration efficiency for 20 washes. After around 20 washes they were feeling pretty limp, so I just bought a new batch that I will use for another 20 washes.

      I think we are close to being permitted to go anywhere without a mask thanks to the clear guidance and strong public health leadership being provided by the CDC and OSHA (cough), but very far from being safe without a mask in indoor public settings. It’s also become pretty obvious that a good supply of high-quality masks is a necessary component of any household emergency kit, for wildfires, future pandemics, and who knows what other disasters lie in store for us. If your masks do not have a high-efficiency nonwoven filter or are worn out, you probably want to replace them to have on hand for future emergencies even if you don’t plan to wear them now. You don’t want to be scrambling for a mask next wildfire season.

      1. I think this is very much a know-your-state kind of question. We don’t get wildfires in any of the three states I’ve lived in, ever, and absent the pandemic I’ve never owned a mask or had a reason to have one.

         For the OP, I am also still using the masks I bought back in May 2020 because they were expensive. I did buy some KN95s using my HSA money, though, exclusively for flights and train rides. Is that an option for you?

         1. Your May 2020 masks are probably not enough–I would read up on differences. Most medical folks at this point are advising KN95s if you are indoors around others regardless of where the politicians stand on mask use.

   5. You should be wearing KN95s or N95s at this point and disposing once straps become loose or visibly dirty. This of all hills is not the one to stake claim on environmental impact. Do you think your doctors should be using worn out masks for surgery?

      The chances you’ll need a mask indoors at least around crowds or vulnerable people are likely to be high for quite some time. Policy changes come and go. But the military is in the hospitals in my state helping out right now because they are so overwhelmed and we’re not even one of the highest in surge at the moment. So I think it’s more than safe to say you can splurge on another few masks without having the money wasted at this point.

      1. Hey guess what – in the early days of the pandemic, doctors most certainly had to re-use N95s for surgery.

         1. Yeah, and they aren’t anymore.

            Your point is to wear dirty masks with loose straps because…there was a shortage once?

   6. yes, buy them. we’re not getting out of this for another year at least, maybe two.

   7. Actually, I am missing my reusable masks. I really liked the ones I got. I seem to have lost or misplaced some of my favorites, which I regret, and I have been wearing boring KN95s for 2 months now and just bought a massive supply of those.

   8. Wait i missed that u want to buy cloth masks – buy good N95 or like instead and reuse. They are reusable, straps will fail first!

6. Reposting this question to get more responses. An acquaintance is in her final year of law school in India and asked me about getting an LLM to practice in the US. Some of you said that it’s difficult to get a firm to sponsor you, could be 10-15 years, look at bar requirements, she may need to return to India after getting her LLM, etc. Are there any law-adjacent degrees that would give her a better chance of living and working in the US? Maybe a MPP, Master of Laws, paralegal program, or something else? If she decides to stay in India, is there an area of US law that would make her more marketable in the Indian legal market, like corporate law or immigration law?

   1. No idea about how to make this happen in the States – would strongly suggest she consider Canada, which is much friendlier immigration-wise. I immigrated to Canada through law and it was pretty painless. You get more points in the system (and are more employable) if you do some sort of Canadian degree, and there is an industry of public U’s offering these…

7. It’s funny, I thought the dress this morning was kind of cute, and am apparently in the minority (one person said it was the ugliest thing she’d ever seen???) but I look at the color of this suit, and think, Ugh, the dowdiest of Talbots colors!

   1. I didn’t think it was bad (not for 100 days straight though) but I’m also a big fan of Betabrand pants sooooo….

   2. Yeah, I liked it too. I used to have two dresses like that. They were warm and comfy, and (I thought) looked quite put together when worn with a scarf or statement necklace (at least the necklace was fashionable at the time). If I was going into the office more, and accessories were fashionable, I would have snapped up a few more colors.

   3. I bought it! So I am with you. I have no intention of wearing it for 100 days but I love casual dresses and wear them all the time for errands and WFH and think it could look great with tights and blundstones etc. I don’t see it as an office dress, especially but it could be styled up for a Friday. This suit reminds me of Victoria Secret’s sexy work wear from the early aughts.

8. I haven’t updated on my dad in awhile because things have just sucked. But my mom messaged his doctor today to ask for a hospice referral. It could be a pretty slow decline, but it’s definitely coming to the end. For anyone who has been through this…..how do I keep functioning at work? I can’t just not work for however long this takes, it could still be months. Any practical tips are welcome. I told my team so that they know that I’m going through a rough time.

   1. No advice but sending you hugs! This sounds so hard. I saw that you posted on something the other day and I was wondering how your dad was. Hang in there.

   2. I don’t have any tips…Hugs for you and your family.

   3. So sorry to hear that, sending good thoughts to you and your family.

   4. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I had a similar situation with my parents. Honestly, telling your team and being gentle with yourself will help tremendously. My father died in a hospice facility in 2020 (not of COVID though). There were specific visiting hours, so I told my team that I would be out of pocket during those times. Even if your dad’s hospice isn’t so limited (or if he’s at home), you could try setting a regular visiting schedule so you know you will have that block of time to be present with him and you don’t have to feel guilty or anything else about trying to concentrate on work while you’re at work. I also just knew and accepted that my work would be fine but not great, I would be relying on my team more, and it might take me longer to do things than normal. It is a terrible season of life, but I allowed myself to be just ok at work in order to get through the finite period. The weight will be present with you, but you will settle into a new normal routine.

      I also found that the hospice workers are very knowledgeable about the signs that someone will pass very soon. It’s not exact of course, but it was clear to them when it would happen in the next couple of days. At that point, I told my team I just wouldn’t be available anymore.

      1. Big hugs to you, Sloan. I think you will find hospice is very helpful so hopefully that will make things a little easier for you and your mom. And agree that they are very wise when it comes to the cycle of things and you should drop everything when they say drop everything. My brother missed a last visit with my mom because he dilly-dallied for half a day and by then she no longer recognized him.

      2. “Just OK” is pretty much what I’m shooting for right now anyway. Unless it’s urgent or easy, I’m just putting it aside unless I feel able to manage it. Luckily I can do that without major issues. And I have a team that can more or less take over for me with a moment’s notice which is also a big relief- if I just need to be out, I can drop everything and be out. It’s just hard to not know when that is and try to balance both still being available for work and knowing that I may just need to drop everything.

         1. I hear you on how hard it is with one foot in each world, wondering when the call will come to go there now. It might sound cheesy, but I followed some of the tips that people give pregnant women who are near their due date. In the time I freed up by delegating some tasks, I made a document with my projects that were most likely to blow up and where we were on each one. I tried to update that at least every couple of days. I also always copied in at least 1-2 extra people on emails so someone else would at least have the tools necessary to figure it out if I had to leave. When the time came, I was glad I had the memo to forward to my boss and just say “Here’s where everything is and the related emails are attached.” There might be an easier system for you, but that’s what I did for the logistical side.

   5. If possible I would set up times for regular visiting with him, if not in person than via Skype or zoom or whatever. It doesn’t have to be daily, but however often makes sense with your schedule.

      I used to Skype with my grandpa every day for 15 to 20 minutes at a set time in the afternoon. It was really special for us both. I took it over when my Dad passed away suddenly, he used to call his dad every day and I didn’t want my grandpa to miss out on the daily calls. Depending on how Grandpa was doing, I would either chit chat or sort of sit quietly while he ate his dinner with the phone propped up so he could see my face smiling at him. He lived about 5 or 6 months longer than my dad, and I still have an alarm that goes off on my phone at the usual time. I take a moment to think about both of them when it goes off.

      1. That’s such a nice routine. <3

         I plan on going back to live with my parents in early/mid-February for however long I need to be there. My mom is really struggling as my dad's needs have become more acute and it's so hard for me to be 5 hours away. So that will give me some time, but I also have space to myself at their house that I can retreat to when I need a break.

         1. I really am so sorry you and your family are experiencing this. It is very difficult to perform end of life care. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.

   6. You just keep going because you have to.

   7. So sorry to hear that, Sloan. FWIW, not sure if you know that I’m the rando who recently followed you on Goodreads since you emailed me your profile like a year ago…but I’ve gotten so much enjoyment out of stalking your reading habits and reading your reviews. I hope that continues to provide solace for you, and that you will promptly jettison it if not! Wishing you and your mom and dad the best.

      1. Oh, hi! I decided this year that I am reading what I want to read and nothing else. So I’m on my 4th Harry Bosch book in the last week right now. It’s a nice break from the hundreds of reading challenge prompts I’ve done since 2017. No offense to “a sci-fi anthology edited by a woman of color” or “a horror book published by an indie press,” but that is not relaxing for me. It is work. And I am over it.

         1. I think that’s a great approach and can really identify with your comment about reading turning into work.

            I have no advice but hope you find comfort and support in the coming months.

         2. Yes! That’s basically what I was trying to say – I have enjoyed seeing what you read but please don’t let it become a task, especially one you’re doing for the benefit of random internet strangers. Holding the good thought for you and your folks.

   8. I’m so sorry. I’ve been through hospice with both of my parents, and I really encourage you to rely on the hospice workers. They are generally incredible sources of support. Beyond that, I suggest (1) letting your supervisor + others you feel comfortable sharing with at work know about the situation so they’re not surprised when you’re unavailable sometimes and (2) scheduling set times to visit/facetime your dad. It will be a bright spot in his day and add some structure for you in a very uncertain time. And re: #1, you never know who has or is in a similar spot. I had a couple of coworkers going through parental health issues when I was, and it was great to be able to lean on each other and pitch in on assignments when one person was dealing with a crisis that day, especially when all of my non-work friends had 2 healthy parents and really could not relate. With the pandemic, working remotely is hopefully an option for you. I found that helpful when I was able to do my work but wasn’t up for putting on a cheerful face to my coworkers. Beyond that, I just muddled through. I wasn’t always at my best at work but sometimes work was a nice distraction. It ebbs and flows.

      Also, it seems like you know this, but I’ll point it out for anyone else reading who is unfamiliar: hospice doesn’t necessarily mean end of life is imminent. Generally, hospice services accept a patient if a doctor has said they are terminal/have 6 mo. left or less, and there are checks to confirm eligibility on a semi-regular basis. One of my parents was on home hospice for nearly 2 years and the other for only about a week before passing, so I’ve experienced both sides of it.

      If you go the home hospice route, please accept (or encourage your mom to accept) all the aid available – aides, nurses, etc. It really helps the main caregiver. Also, most hospices have respite care so the caregiver can get a little break while the patient spends a few days in a hospice facility.

      1. +1 to everything you said. My MIL was in hospice for two weeks before she passed and the staff were incredible.
         And same goes for coworkers – you never know who’s been in the same boat before.
         Sending you wishes for hearty support and generous grace.

   9. I’m so sorry. Being candid about your needs is key – it sounds like you did that with your team and that’s awesome. Things are going to suck and keep sucking. I remember trying to pretend everything was fine until I cried in my then boss’s office – not just a few tears; I was sobbing – telling him that my dad had cancer and I wasn’t going to be around on weekends for a while (there was a work one day a weekend culture but that’s another story). I hadn’t wanted to cry and I’d practiced saying the words at home to avoid it but it turned out everything was easier after that. I didn’t have to pretend everything was fine anymore and I could just need to leave on Friday and come back Monday.

   10. I’m sorry you are going through this. I have found it helpful in similar situations to let colleagues know the broad strokes of what is going on, and also to let them know if I am comfortable being asked about it or if I prefer to tuck it away while at work. And cut yourself slack; I aimed for “mediocre white man” level of performance at the administrative parts of my job and that was just fine.

   11. It’s really tough and there’s no way around it. When I was going through this with now three family members I was a champ at compartmentalizing. The grief was gonna be there whether I worked or not, and I had to pay the bills, so I treated work as a time-out from the grind of watching my loved ones slowly die. No matter what, it’s going to be really really tough. All the hugs to you.

   12. I’m so sorry. I just went through this with my mom a few months ago. Maybe my experience is helpful. I’m including the practical and the not-practical, because you can’t easily separate it all as it happens.

       Her decline was brutal and full of questions marks–hospice with dementia can last a week. It can last years. In my mom’s case, she stopped eating and drinking and it lasted 10 days. Per hospice, it’s not common that someone passes away on hospice with little warning, heart attacks aside. You’ll likely have lots of physical signs that death is approaching. Since it could be months, read up on those signs and talk to the hospice team (nurse, chaplain, social worker) about what to expect. That will help save you from feeling like you’ll get the call at any moment, which can make the hospice wait excruciating.

       After my mom first went in hospice, I made a to-do list to prepare for her death (draft an obituary, line up autopsy–necessary for conclusive diagnosis, create a memorial slide show, write a eulogy, transfer money to my brothers so they could travel when she passed, etc.) and started working through it. She was not married and I was her personal representative, so I knew this would be on my plate. I needed–desperately–to be productive. Yes, I even worked on this on the clock when I needed to.

       Otherwise my days were fairly standard because I was so used to spending a large chunk of my time caring for her/thinking about her care that that wasn’t a major shift at first. It was even a relief in some ways, because I was no longer taking calls from doctors and brainstorming about how to get her to take her pills and if there was an intervention that could work. She would never again take her pills and we were out of interventions. There was a peace involved with that. If you experience something similar, don’t feel guilty.

       In some ways, work was a welcome distraction. I saved up those low-brainpower, high-satisfaction tasks (data reporting, inbox management, easy approvals) so I could clear my to-do list with little energy. I also kept my door closed (I’m in the office) and let myself just be sad when I needed to. When I needed to get outside my head, I dropped in on a subordinate to see how they were doing and if I could support them in anyway. My boss was aware, as were my subordinate managers, so everyone suspended expectations for a while.

       I went to a concert and took my kids to a museum and trick-or-treating as I had planned, because I felt a strong, strong urge to live. My mom couldn’t and hadn’t been able to for some time. She was 67 and dying and I was going to live, dammit. Don’t feel guilty about that either.

       I went to see her every day for about 30 minutes until the last three days, when it became clear that we were approaching the end and that was my sole focus. Then I ignored work and sat vigil during waking hours. I would have slept there, but the hospice reminded me that many people prefer to die without their loved ones present and that, what, I’m going to stay awake for 72 hours straight? She had some good points.

       In the end, I was present when she passed. It was hard, and strange, and beautiful, and changed me to my core. The timing was not a surprise. The difference between my mother on Day 2 of hospice and two days before she died was significant and unmistakable. Again, talk to the hospice team about that. I found them all refreshingly honest. Death was a given. Supporting my mom and supporting me as her caretaker were their only priorities.

       Good luck to you. I’m sorry.

       1. All of this is spot on. My mom passed in July, after one week of in home Hospice care
          they were fabulous, brought a hospital bed, oxygen, meds, personal needs supplies.
          they did everything I mean everything and we the family really listened when they said it’s time. They know their stuff.
          Big hugs to you

   13. I have a really long comment in moderation.

   14. I’m so sorry. FWIW, my observation has been that many people start the grieving process, and the grief can be most acute, at the start of hospice. I’m glad you told your team you’re having a rough time. It may be a good thing to take some time off now (the rest of the week?). You probably won’t feel the same way, or at the same level of intensity, the whole time he’s on hospice. And when he dies, you may (or may not) feel like you’ve already been through the worst of it. Hugs!

   15. I’m so sorry. If you know what you need from others, it’s a gift if you can tell them (like, if you don’t want coworkers to check in on how you and dad are doing, or if you do). Your dad, mom, and you are what matter most and you can tell others to pound sand if they’re trying to use you for support.

       For me, I had a fabulous elder care consultant (referred by the hospital’s social worker) at the very end. It would have really helped my dying parent and me if I’d engaged them sooner. They knew how to access the care my parent wanted–my parent started with a for-profit hospice that wasn’t so great. However, most people have better experiences with hospice companies, so a consultant might not be necessary.

   16. The best give my last boss ever gave me was when my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and he said, “you always think of the team, but now is the time to be selfish. We’ll be fine. Go be with your family and let me know when you’re ready to work. We’ll figure it out.” You’ve told your team, now you can lean out from work and lean in with your family as you go through this. I’m so sorry, Sloan.

   17. I’m so, so sorry to hear this.

   18. My dad was in hospice at home, and while I don’t think badly of hospice, it was clear that it wasn’t enough care. My sister and I paid for a home health care worker to help my step mom with care and it helped a lot to take some physical burden off.

       1. We have an incredible caregiver who we hired months ago who will stay on. She is an absolute angel on earth. So that’s a huge help.

   19. Thank you all. I appreciate the advice and the personal stories and the support.

9. Ok, how do I not drown myself in work but keep a good reputation??

   I have gotten a reputation at work of someone who can come into a messy or broken project and clean it up. Which, yay good reputation, but now I keep getting pulled from one project to the next with people expecting me to work miracles. It’s hard work! And normally in my job you’d be on a project for at least a year or maybe two (most projects are probably 3-4 years) if not the whole project, but I keep not getting to enjoy the fruits of my labor once I get something back on the right track! I don’t want to refuse a project or be a prima Donna and say no I won’t work on that but….it’s exhausting. And not really something that leads to a promotion, because they want me in my current position fixing stuff! Help? Suggestions?

   1. Are you Jane Fraser?!

      I’m kidding, but it is well documented that women often get chosen to lead struggling divisions/projects/companies and expected to turn them around. I have no idea what the answer is, unfortunately. At the very least it seems like you should be financially compensated for the constant turn around, but it seems like you may need to look to a new job or job in a different division of where you are in order to shake the pattern.

      1. Agree with this. Also, if the project is already broken, your improvements are still improvements even if you slow down a bit while making them, right? Meaning, sure work your magic, but don’t work around the clock (I assume there are some late hours here bc you use the word drown). And ask for whatever support you need in additional people or resources to help you work your magic. Ultimately, if you have asked for a promotion/raise and not gotten it, I would brush up my resume and take my talents elsewhere.

10. I am dismayed to report that my wife’s doctor has recommended she wear compression stocking. We are now officially Old Lesbians. We think they look weird and are decidedly unsexy. But we like healthy veins so she’s gonna take the plunge.

    That said…does anyone have recommendations? Are any less awful than others?

    1. Honestly, just lean in. I think the ones that are colored are better than the nude-for-you ones. They are noticeable, so just accept and get something fun rather than try to fake people out. I wear a compression sleeve because I’ve had lymph nodes removed. You get used to it.

       1. Agree – these are fun ones. Note that there’s are different gauges or weights to express how compressing they are.

          https://corporettemoms.com/maternity-monday-crazy-compression-socks/

    2. I recently bought Bombas compression socks for long flights and find them nicely supportive and not Bandage Beige?

       1. Bombas in general are really comfortable – I find a lot of socks constricting around my ankles but even though the Bombas are tight, they don’t dig in and itch the way others do.

    3. I was at Kohl’s, of all places, the other day (returning an Amazon package) and they had compression hoisery in a lot of fun colors.

    4. The best ones are the ones that fit. CEP is great quality and what I would look to first. I strongly recommend going to a running store and being fitted, so you can avoid painful trial and error of too big/too small/cut in at bad spots/etc. I feel you on the look. I’m an early 80’s kid and am scarred for life from being forced to go to school in short skirts and knee socks.

       1. as a runner, I love Pro Compression. USA-made, fun colors/patterns, often they post amazing sales, and I FIGHT to put them on (which I would hope means they’re effective)

    5. This is taking me back to when I was required to wear them for about 6 months when I was 16. I don’t know what all was actually available back then, but the ones I got were pure white. Wow. That was rough. At the time, I lived in a house with no AC in a humid climate and the 6 months ran into July, so I was walking around my home in white compression stockings and shorts.

    6. I have some Japanese compression thigh highs – I think they’re called something like Medi Qtto but it’s a Dr. Scholl’s brand. They still look weird, don’t get me wrong, but they’re not as mood killing as the stockings you buy in drug stores.

    7. I like Sockwell a lot. Decent patterns (also plain black, i think, in case that’s preferable), wool/wool blend fabrics are comfortable and breathable (lots of sweaty synthetics in this market…), and very durable. Also a few options for compression strength.

    8. Look for the compression socks for nurses. They are much, much less ugly than the white/beige ones that they have at medical stores. I have some that are black with purple polka dots I wear on the plane.

11. Also, not ideal, but they make gross beige compression sleeves without feet – so if you’re used to wearing heels or flats with bare feet you can still do that in pants at least.

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