Suit of the Week: Boss Hugo Boss

109 Comments

1. What color blazer would you pair with this dress (in the bright blue color)? I’m planning on wearing black shoes.

   https://www.jcrew.com/AST/Navigation/Sale/AllProducts/PRD~08173/08173.jsp?Nbrd=J&Nloc=en_US&Nrpp=48&Npge=1&Ntrm=CREPE+DRESS&isSaleItem=true&isFromSearch=true&isNewSearch=true&hash=row4

   1. I have a similarly-colored sheath from JCrew that I wear with a light gray and also a light khaki blazer. I’ve also worn it with a black cardigan + black skinny belt which looked great.

   2. turquoise would look really nice too, in my opinion

   3. when I grow up, I want all the suits from Hugo Boss. Fits my work style perfectly, and I wish that I could afford to get 4-6 and then never buy suits again :)

   4. I think black, gray, white/cream and mint would all look great.

      1. If you want to be a adventurous, you could try a print fabric

2. Kat – is there a written policy of what will send a comment into moderation? I’ve had two go into moderation today and I can’t figure out why (no objectionable words, one had a single link and the other had none, etc). It’d be helpful if there were some guidelines!

   1. were your comments about shapewear? A$$ might be the culprit even though it’s only part of the word. Also, not sure if it still does so, but K@t might also snag you (bc you’re mentioning her by name) and anything with e t t e (regr e t t ed always gets me).

      1. also c*cktail or anything with the word c*ck in it. Any mention of this site by name.

         1. Nope, it had none of those things.

            1. Those are the same things that I’m familiar with for sending something into moderation. one thing I forget is that it applies to the email and website fields too and not just the comment box. Since you are posting as Anon, I doubt that was the issue, but wanted to mention it anyway.

            2. Oh, also the word h@sh. Like if you say, you don’t want to reh@sh something, it’ll get moderated.

   2. Anything with r e t t e. I always get stuck for regr e t t e d.

      But yes, Kat, a list would be great. Sometimes it seems so random.

   3. I think the first time you use a new username+email combo its also automatic moderation, although I could be wrong.

   4. My posts always go into moderation. Every single time.

      1. Does your email address have r 3 t t 3 in it? That one got me for a while.

3. Love this suit! I am on board with light gray instead of white pants too tho I find light gray hard to find this year. I have also recently embraced tan/beige as an alternative to the oh-so-many black pairs I own. Trying new things – reluctantly.

   1. I bought a pair of light gray pants at Talbots of all places recently. Lined & on sale.
      http://www.talbots.com/online/browse/product_details.jsp?id=prdi32072&rootCategory=cat90030&catId=cat80010&sortKey=Default&section=Sale&conceptIdUnderSale=cat90030

      1. Thanks for the recommendation. I haven’t tried Talbots pants for years but I will now. I love them for sweaters, jackets and tops tho. BTW right now they have a v good sale on.

         1. I always found them very frumpy when I tried on in the past, but I liked these. FYI, you may want to try two sizes – these were cut pretty large compared to what I expected.

      2. Love the suit. Thanks aims – will look at that takbots pair.

4. I’ve been at my job for about 10 months now. I started 4 days after taking the bar and never got much of a break. My firm pretty small, which makes the culture a little strange. It’s very put your head down and work without much friendly interaction. I was told in my interview that there would be some “tax work” involved, but it turns out that this actually means a full on tax season where I prepared about 100 tax returns (I’ve never taken an accounting class in my life). Apparently, second year on tax returns is the worst year, and I’m already dreading having to do it. This is not something just associates do – partners are heavily involved as well and maybe work even more. As you can tell, this is not something I want for my future.

   I don’t know if it’s just a rut that everyone gets in, but I’m contemplating trying to find a new job. Taxes are part of it, but I find myself generally bored. I know this could certainly change as I move up. We also have a generally family friendly office, lots of holidays, good pay and other benefits. I’m trying weigh all of this in my head. Is the possibility of things getting better (but still having to deal with taxes) plus good benefits, etc worth sticking it out for? I can’t decide and I feel paralyzed and also afraid to start looking. I’ve also been told that as long as I stick around and do good work, I will be a partner (about six years).

   Anyone gone through anything similar at their firms or given up great benefits, etc. because they weren’t passionate about the work?

   1. I’m also a first year so take my words with a grain of salt. I did a lot of tax work before law school (similar to you- it was about 300 a season and then another 50-100 in the fall). It was tedious and not always fun, but if it helps to consider the pros: there is a formula to it, the schedule is very predictable, and people always need their taxes to be done!

   2. I’m a JD-CPA working in tax law, and I’ve never prepared a return. In fact, I went to law school *because* I didn’t want to do the return prep side–that’s what accountants do. Find yourself a firm that can actually give you legal work to do, whether it be tax or something else.

5. reposting from this morning b/c this got buried under the snark :-P

   I started working in a new office a few weeks ago. The position was laterally, and I was very excited about it because the boss asked me to come work for him, and the work is interesting. However there is a lot to learn and I keep making mistakes. In my old office I was the go-to person, and now I am back to bottom of the wrung and making all kinds of silly and careless mistakes that once I realize them I think “duh.” I feel like I am making a terrible impression, and it’s making me anxious, which is then causing me to make even more mistakes!! How can I avoid making so many stupid mistakes and stop making a terrible impression. I don’t want my boss to regret bringing me over.

   1. Do you have a secretary/assistant? If you trust him or her, you could have them proof things or go over things before you send them out. Also, maybe do an assignment and then let it sit for several hours or a day and then go back and read it over. Another tip would be making a list of projects to do, and under that, a sub-list of steps that need to be completed for that project. It really depends on the types of mistakes you are making. But I find myself making careless mistakes more than I’d like as well.

      1. I don’t have a secretary, but that’s a good idea to maybe hold stuff before passing it along. I do have a tendency to shoot things off when I’m finished. I’m still in the habit of getting everything out quickly, which was the culture of my old office. Now, I think it’s less emphasis on quickness and more on correctness. Tough habit to break!

   2. I’m in a very similar position – it’s been four months since I moved and I feel I am only now getting my feet under me. I’ve been asking for advice from colleagues and indeed, trying to not go for my immediate reaction, but wait a bit. It’s hard.

6. Trying again because I posted late on the morning thread.
   Does anyone have any solar charger for iphone/ ipad recommendations? From what I have read, the Solio Bolt is considered a good choice for apple products, but it seems like every set of reviews I read (for any charger) goes all over the place.

   1. I looked at solar chargers but ended up buying a charging brick instead. You fully charge it and can charge your phone 2-3 times from it. Great if you aren’t anywhere where you have power (or in a power outage situation). It seemed like none of the solar chargers had great reviews.

7. Does anyone have any suggestions on where to buy jeans for under $50? I was planning on jumping on the trendwagon and getting a pair of rolled cuff, light wash, distressed jeans from Gap, but they’re apparently shipping in August. Assuming I don’t find the jeans in a brick and mortar Gap, where would you suggest looking for cheaper, trendier jeans to fit a wide behind, small waist?

   1. Loft curvy fit.

   2. Old Navy.

      1. Co-sign. I very rarely wear jeans, but every girls needs a couple pair. I am pleasantly surprised by how well their rockstar skinny and super skinnies fit. They also have a perfect amount of stretch and come in various washes. They’re my favorite jeans now!

   3. If you don’t mind shopping online, I’ve found great jeans on places like lastcall and off fifth. Amazon also has a great denim selection and provides free shipping and free returns on items sold by Amazon.

   4. Order the gap jeans. I find that 9/10 they ship things very quickly even though they might say “backordered to August”. If you find something better in the meantime, you can always cancel/return your order.

   5. Thanks, ladies! Lots of avenues to pursue now!

   6. Uniqlo if you’re in NYC.

   7. I am similarly built and found a fantastic pair of boyfriend jeans at Eddie Bauer. They are from a few seasons ago, but now they have “Boyfriend Printed Pocket Cropped Jeans” on sale that look very cute, even if they only meet your “rolled cuff” and “light wash” requirements.

8. Since there seem to be many Chicagoans on this board based on this morning’s thread about violence/safety, I’m curious about which neighborhoods everyone lives in. I live in Ravenswood (between Andersonville and Lincoln Square), and I feel almost ridiculously safe there. I’m not stupid; I know there’s still crime, but it’s just a feeling I get when walking on the street.

   1. South Loop but moving to Fulton River/West Loop in July. Love both neighborhoods and feel generally safe.

   2. No longer in Chicago, but I lived in Roscoe Village/West Lakeview and generally felt safe in my neighborhood, even late at night.

      1. I live in Roscoe Village. And used to live in Lakeview. Both are lovely, but both have their share of crime related issues, though most are petty theft (stolen bike) or vandalism (spray paint on our garage, for example).

   3. I used to live in Hyde Park, and we had our house broken into twice in three years. I still loved the neighborhood though.

   4. I live in Lakeview East. Granted I have been here a short time but I feel safe generally. I just moved from New Orleans, which I felt less safe in, all the time.

   5. I’ve lived in a bunch of places around the city. Last was Roscoe Village, and I loved every minute of it and felt totally safe. I did live in some roughish parts at various times during college, and that was not fun and opened my eyes to a lot. I also haven’t traveled to many of the neighborhoods on the south side that get a lot of news coverage on weekends due to shootings, and I fully appreciate that folks living there probably have an entirely different view of the city than I do.

   6. 91st and Western. Before that, Lincoln Square. Before that, Jefferson Park.

9. My Boden order just arrived, and it wanted to share how lovely the Chino shorts are on.

10. My husband purchased our house 6 years ago before we were married. We got married 3 years ago. I’ve lived with him since the house was purchased. I’ve always objected to the purchase of our current house because it was a foreclosure and needed/needs significant work. It’s not just outdated it’s run down and gross. However, I didn’t have much footing to stand on because I wasn’t willing to put any money down on a house together when we weren’t yet married (and had only been together for 1 year). So, he purchased the house he wanted. Fast forward 6 years – the backyard landscaping is almost done (by my husband with a little bit of my help) and the kitchen and upstairs we paid a contractor $34k to remodel (after I had a serious melt down about it). The garden level basement is still empty and unusable. My husband refuses to pay a contractor another $20k to do the basement. My husband resents me because I don’t want to help with all these projects. He admits that he doesn’t enjoy these projects but that he feels like he has to do them to fix the house up. He resents me because I don’t help. I don’t want to come home from a 10 hour day and remodel a house or landscape a yard. I want to spend my weekends having fun. I realize that life isn’t all fun and games and that houses require up keep but this isn’t just upkeep, it’s remodeling.

    This battle has been on going for the last 5 years and I’m so sick of it. He has asked me what I think the solution is and I told him that we should pay the contractor to remodel the basement or sell the house and upgrade to a move in ready place. Our salaries have steadily increased over the last 5 years and we now make about $200k/year combined (no debt besides house) and we (husband) purchased the house for $165k and could sell it now for about $275k.

    We’ve been to counseling about this and nothing gets resolved. We’ve been talking about having kids (I’m 30, he’s 32) and I don’t know if that’s the best idea until we get these battles worked out. Has anyone been through anything similar? I seriously don’t know what to do. I can’t handle this house anymore. Seriously, I’m 30 years old and I can’t use half my house after living in it for 6 years. I’m fed up. I’m all ears to advice.

    1. You’ve received many responses on the previous thread. Not sure why you’re reposting.

       1. I just noticed it here. It’s on the Newer Comments page of the previous thread — maybe the OP didn’t see it there.

    2. The house is a symptom of a bigger problem — you and your husband are not on the same page about your priorities. It sounds like he went ahead and bought the house in spite of your protests. He could have waited or compromised with you to get something that you could both be happy with, but he didn’t.

       I’m not sure what the solution is, but I feel for you. It sounds really frustrating.

       1. Agree that they’re not on the same page, but I would also point out that this turned out to be a very smart decision by Husband financially. The house appreciated $110K in 6 years – almost double its price! OP should be happy. And it’s not like he just bought “what he wanted” – OP says she would not purchase a house with him until they were married, which is totally valid but if I was in Husband’s shoes at that point, I wouldn’t let that mean I don’t purchase property that I thought was a good investment, and I would esp. feel that way if I turned out to be so right 6 years later.

          To the OP, look – I don’t know your life so take this with a giant internet grain of salt. I don’t think either of you is being reasonable here, but I tend to think you’re being more unreasonable than Husband. You didn’t want this house and now it sounds like you don’t want to invest/work on the house because you don’t view it as “your” house and maybe because you resent that it was forced on you. But even if that had been the case, you’re making your own life and marriage unreasonably difficult. Hating the house but refusing to work on making it better is silly (and I would even say childish, but maybe that is too harsh). If I were in your position, I’d say – ‘hey we have a house and no other debt, let’s take out a home equity line (or whatever) fix it up so I can be happy and we aren’t fighting about this nonsense and just move on with our lives.’ From the sound of your post you seem to have a big issue with this house that maybe doesn’t have much to do with the house itself. You need to get over it. Your husband needs to work with you on that. Maybe he has some issues with the house too – like it’s some part of his identity or who knows. I’m not sure why he is so invested in doing things himself/with you and not with professional help, but you need to just explain that you want to really put the house arguments behind you and this is the best way to go forward as a compromise – he can stay in the house, but you’re not fixing it up yourselves. But honestly, you have to make the first step by accepting the house. And I agree – don’t have kids until you can work this out.

          PS: Sorry if this reads a bit harsh, but if you want a stranger’s perspective, that’s mine.

          1. Thanks AIMS. We have $160k sitting in an inv. account that could be used to fund this $20-30k basement reno. My husband refuses to pay someone to do the basement.

             1. Is he super-frugal with large expenditures in general, or just with respect to this house? I don’t really have anything to add, other than wondering if this is consistent with his personality in general.

          2. EXTREMELY (caps needed) frugal. He grew up with his dad being a physician and his mom being a SAHM. Although his dad has always made excellent money they always appeared to be only getting by. He was told he should work hard on the house and do the same.

             He is extremely frugal with small expenses too. He’s been looking at a backpack on REI for 2 months and can’t pull the trigger. Drives me batty.

             1. So this is entirely different than who decided to buy which house. This is a classic case of not being on the same page financially. The house is just a (very large) manifestation of this.

                I grew up with very frugal parents (who also had more than enough to get by, BTW) and it affects me to this day. Part of me rebels against my upbringing and I’m able to spend, but deep inside there’s a part of me that thinks if I spend more than absolutely necessary, I’ll be destitute and homeless.

             2. You’re totally right Tesyaa!

             3. Oh, and I’ve been married for 25+ years to someone who doesn’t have a fear of spending at all. Truthfully, I think it’s good that I’m a brake on his sometimes unplanned spending, and it’s good that I’ve learned from him not to agonize about getting the absolute rock-bottom price on a sofa or whatever.

             4. we might be married to the same person re: frugality, so you have my sympathies. I have the best success when I frame it as a money vs. time issue. If the two of you do the basement, how many nights? how many weekends of work? For things that neither of you know how to do and will have to learn? And what’s the opportunity cost of not getting to use that space for another x months?

                You’re not paying someone because you have money to burn and you’re lazy. You’re paying them for the same reason someone hires you to do a job – someone else can do it better, and faster, than you can yourself.

    3. They’re not showing up on my computer. I’ll try using a different browser.

       1. They are on the second page of the comments. if you scroll to the bottom of the comments you should see a link for “Newer Comments” that will take you to it.

    4. Hug’s to you. It sound’s like you MIGHT have bigger issues then the house. If your 30, your egg’s are not getting any fresher, and if you want kid’s, please be sure you want to have kid’s with him. If he resent’s you for not being a HANDIWOMAN, imagine how thing’s will be when you get pregenent, don’t have sex, then when the baby is born, haveing to get up at 3am to feed him/her. That, he will say, is a WOMAN’s job, b/c you did NOT do the fix-up for the dump you are liveing in (which he bought on his own!) FOOEY!

       I would make sure, before goieng off birthe control, that he realy want’s a kid, b/c that is a real life changer, far bigger than you not caulkeing the basement for him. DOUBEL FOOEY. If your marrage is NOT strong now, you had better let some better guy fertilize your egg’s before they go stale. FOOEY!

    5. I think both of you are being obstinate. You won’t help, he doesn’t want to pay someone else. What is the compromise that would make both of you less unhappy than the other options? I think the thing here is that you’re going to be stuck in a stalemate because neither one of you will really “win” this one. If you win, your husband will be unhappy and vice versa. This is one of those situations where both of you have to be a little bit miserable to move forward together. A possible compromise: you hire someone to come in and give you an estimate of work, you and your husband do the demolition (thereby saving money) and outsource the renovation to professionals.

       1. I already suggested exactly this. I actually already started demoing because I was so pissed. He then got pissed at me for demoing. I can’t win.

          1. Just speculating here so grain of salt, but he wants you to WANT to work on the house. He knows that you don’t want to and are only doing it because you’re angry and are essentially being “forced” into doing it. He wants to feel like you are a team on this. From your comment below, he is taking your hatred for the house very personally and he feels that you swooping in to pay someone else to fix his problems is an indictment of him. I’m not saying he’s right, but those are possible reasons why he got mad that you’re hate-demoing.

             But seriously, I think you need to get back to counseling. This issue seems bigger than the house.

             1. You’re totally right on this to. He wants me to want to help. Part of the problem is I’m trying to figure out what he is feeling because he cannot for the life of all things holy explain his feelings.

             2. It sounds like he has explained his feelings – he wants you to help. Could you commit to spending, say, 1 full weekend day per week (barring other commitments) to home renovations for the next 3 months and see how it goes?

             3. Thanks for the suggestion anonymous but that is the compounding problem…summer is so busy between baby showers, weddings, friends in town, family in town, annual friends camping trip, etc. there are a lot of weekends where I hardly have enough time to clean the floor let alone spend an entire day remodeling. Summers are dang busy…they always are. I realize that I could tell my friend that I see once a year, “sorry, I have to paint this weekend, I wish I could hang out with you” but I’m not willing to do that. Which circles back around to why we don’t have time to remodel a house. Maybe I am just totally stubborn…I don’t know.

             4. Really? Baby showers and camping trips instead of time with your husband? Maybe he just wants you to value him more than your friends you see once a year. Seems like the point of marriage to me.

             5. I’m sorry, but the notion of “he wants me to *want* to help” strikes me as gag-inducing. This is probably because I’d rather walk across a bed of fiery nails than sand a floor, but I don’t think it’s fair of him to hold your lack of desire to do boring and exhausting manual labor during your limited free time against you. If he feels like you’ve over scheduled the summer and he doesn’t get to spend enough time with you, that’s a separate conversation you two need to have, but guilting someone over their lack of desire to do tasks that hundreds of thousands of people routinely outsource isn’t the way to accurately express “honey I wish we spent more time together.” Your communication skills as a couple sound like a mess – as I said in the morning thread, get thee to a therapist, stat.

                (And I say this as someone whose H did the whole “I want you to WANT to mop the floor” thing early in the marriage. That’s never going to happen. Doesn’t mean I’m not willing to mop for the sake of marital harmony when it’s my turn, but “gee I can’t wait to mop” is not an emotion that is ever going to happen. Asking someone to adjust their actions in the name of improving communal living space is fair game – asking someone to change their feelings about said tasks is not)

    6. My advice is to accept the reality of your situation, fair or not: this house is your home for now and for some indefinite period of time. There is no use at all in wishing that things had happened differently, or lamenting that it’s unfair that you’re living in a half-finished place. Stop bucking against the reality of your life. Once you accept things as they are, you will probably be able to have more productive conversations about the future, because your focus will be on that instead of complaining about the present. Your husband probably hears your dislike of the house as personal criticism of him and his choices; you’ve more than made your point on that, so nothing good can come of speaking of it anymore. Try to focus on what actions you two can take as a team going forward. Say what you want to happen, not what you wish had already happened. Listen to what he wants. Then try to compromise.

       1. +1

       2. He does take it as a personal criticism. He feels like I’m telling him he isn’t fixing up this house fast enough. Truth is…he isn’t. AND if he could just admit that and we could pay someone to finish it, I think that would resolve the issue. He refuses to pay someone.

          1. As others have said, I’m just some person on the internet, but it sounds to me like your attitude and demeanor are making it hard for him to come around on the issue. What I hear from this comment is that you won’t be happy until he admits he’s wrong. Why is that so important to you? Is it possible for you to re-frame problem-solving (for both of you) as “This is how we fix the giant divide growing between us” instead of “This is how we fix your stupid mistake from six years ago?”

             You seem to resent the situation so much that he doesn’t know how to dig himself out of the situation without being forced to admit that HE’s the wedge instead of your joint failure or inability to work out expectations six years ago. You’ve emphasized that he isn’t fixing this problem fast enough but you admit you’re totally unwilling to help. Is it possible that he believed that one trade-off of marriage and the benefit of living in a house you didn’t have to buy for the last six years would be contributing toward making the situation better?

             1. I know I’m probably coming across as a total b word here. I’ve just come to the end of my rope honestly and that’s why I use such harsh words here. I haven’t used such harsh words with him. I try to be patient…talk to him about his plans for the house, brainstorm, etc. I’m not looking for him to admit that he’s wrong. All I’m wanting is a house that is in a nice, livable condition in a reasonable amount of time (it’s been 6 years). The only way that is going to happen is to pay to have the basement done unless he wants to quit his job or quit sleeping and I don’t think either are options.

             2. I frequently find that a gesture of goodwill so to speak gets me quite far when my husband and I are at an impasse. Maybe if you offer to help him with a house project on one particular weekend, share your ideas, act interested, etc, and later tell him you enjoyed hanging out with him or something, he may be a lot more receptive to what you have to say about it. Especially since it seems that he takes your dissatisfaction quite personally. Or you could just highlight the positives- there must be some, especially since it looks like it’s been quite a good investment.

                I’m definitely not saying that you need to acquiesce to his wants here, but when I do things like this, I feel like it goes a long way toward allowing us to have a conversation where we’re not already at odds from the beginning. I think at that point it’ll be a lot easier for you to say that nothing against him, but you really need a “higher” standard of living to be totally comfortable.

          2. OK, so you’re not ready to take the “accept your present reality” advice… here is another question: Do you understand, and does he, that “he refuses” is not an option in a marriage? (Nor is “she refuses to help with the house, at all, ever, because she is still mad that she was right 6 years ago and he won’t agree.”)

             I know you said you’d tried counseling, but if you both won’t give any ground, you’re at an impasse. Counseling through it or leaving him seem to be the only options.

             Also— do you see that even though you acknowledge that he’s taking your comments as criticism, you have no intention of altering your complaints because you know that you’re “right” about him not renovating fast enough? That doesn’t seem like it’s coming from a healthy place. He’s never going to agree with you on that, so if you need to be right about it, you two could be doomed. You both seem more interested in describing your own version of the problem rather than finding a mutually acceptable solution.

             1. “I know you said you’d tried counseling, but if you both won’t give any ground, you’re at an impasse. Counseling through it or leaving him seem to be the only options.”

                –I tend to agree. This is a stalemate. Neither of you want to concede your position. If you can’t figure out a way to talk through this and negotiate a compromise, I don’t know what your options are. Live in the house forever while he takes ages to renovate and you both seethe with resentment?

             2. I agree with this. Anon, every time someone makes a suggestion about something you could do or try, you have a response that deflects: this won’t work because. If that is how you are approaching the conversations with your husband, I can see why they aren’t going anywhere.

             3. +1000. This is not going to work with both of you thinking “you’re wrong” as you’re talking to the other person. You need to figure out how to get past it or it will be a permanent wedge that will only get worse.

    7. OP, I am currently living in the first half of this situation. My fiance bought a house in need of tons of work and we are in the midst of DIY renos right now. He LOVES this work – thinks it is the coolest thing ever. Me? Not so much. I see a couple of questions. Does your husband want to move from this house or does he picture himself fixing up this house for you to have a family in? If you both agree on selling, perhaps you could get a realtor in and get her to discuss what renovations have the best potential value. Then you can make unemotional decisions over DIY or hiring someone.

       1. He doesn’t want to sell it. By the time it’s renovated we’ll have out grown it as it only has 3 bedrooms and if we have 2 kids, then well you see where this is going.

          So have you been helping?

          1. If he is frugal, he probably doesn’t see you outgrowing this house. Three bedrooms is PLENTY for a married couple with two kids. Everyone gets their own bedroom! My husband grew up in a house where everyone had their own bathroom. I lived in a one story one bathroom house until I was seven. We have very different definitions of what is “necessary.”

             1. Oops! Sorry that came out wrong. My husband and I have very different definitions of what is necessary, not you and I.

          2. We wouldn’t have a spare bedroom which I feel would be necessary as our families visit often. But the kids could share a room for a while if they’re same sex….or even if they aren’t…I don’t know the logistics of that.

          3. Hmm… to me the sell vs don’t sell is a big thing too. Are you okay with this being your home for the foreseeable future? I’m in a slightly different situation – our place is a right now property, with the hopes of making some money and moving the country in a couple years.

             As for me, I actually do some of the work – younger me would have been shocked – though mainly easy stuff like painting, landscaping, drywalling. Not at all interested in the finer points of duct work or plumbing. I also take on the majority of the household responsibilities (grocery, cleaning, cooking) so he can focus on the reno work. From where I am now, it is somewhat stressful – the mess, the weekend work, the feeling of it never being complete – so I think your frustration is legit. However, if you are going to be in this house for a very long time, then the renovations are not just for maximization of profits, right? They are to create a comfortable family home for you, your husband and future kids.

       2. This is a really good point – DIY renovations can be “cheap” in the short term as you can live with your results, but they can cause big long-term problems if you don’t do things right/miss things and overall can give an unprofessional look and feel to a home that hurts resale. If you think there’s a possibility of moving once it’s done because you have kids, this theoretical possibility should be enough to make the decision to hire pros & get the work done now. I’m a “throw money at the problem” person though – I will never understand blowing up relationships over things money can fix (see e.g. this situation, housecleaners, etc.)

    8. As someone who was in a somewhat similar boat, here is my advice:

       First, sit down together and calmly explain to him what you have told us. Then, he gets to tell his side. Next, say, ok, we will no longer dwell on this and we will somehow meet in the middle.

       JOINTLY decide what work you will together, maybe what he is okay doing himself and not expecting you to do, and jointly decide what to pay someone else to do. For example, you can say you will jointly do demo work, then you will pay someone else to do drywall work (hang, mud, sand), and you will jointly paint. Approach it as if you pay someone, work can get done during the week while you are at your jobs, getting it done FASTER (if you do it all yourselves, it will take months…since you don’t have 40 hours a week to work on the house, because you’re out elsewhere collecting a salary). Also, the quality of work will probably be better if you hire someone to do the big part of the projects. Then you can agree that for the projects you are doing yourself, you spend ## amount of time doing them and your other free time will be spent enjoying life. For example, you say, we will only do projects on Saturdays. Sundays we commit to spend quality time together. You may even find that after you have agreed on this, you actually have a grand time doing projects, and wind up spending an hour or two on Sunday doing something because you are making your house your dream house after all.

       best of luck to you!

    9. I posted another response in the morning thread that might have useful approaches to a conversation.

       1. I read it and will get back to you later tonight. I have to get some actual work done :).

          1. I have bought several old homes and lived in them during renovations…which we do exclusively ourselves. Not to “flip” but to live in ourselves. Job related moves have been the only reason we’ve left our work behind us and moved.

             The reality is that process just takes longer. Much longer. Best advice I ever had was “take the time you think it will take and multiply the # by 3. Then take the time interval (hours, days, weeks, months) and bump it up at least one level. Then you will be more realistic.”

             I have lived through tons of this many times and I agree it is not easy, difficult with friends and family, however …

             – there is pride in a job well done

             – you can have better materials because you spend less on labor

             – it takes longer but you don’t have to be off work because someone needs to be in the house to monitor hired-in help (strongly recommended – if it’s done when you get home you don’t know how the work was done and/or if your possessions are ruined, let alone missing in action)

             – you have to be on the same page with what you want done

             – many things simply take two people, four hands/arms/legs to accomplish

             – if you are both working toward the same goal, then the timing and mess is just “temporary” and a shared issue

             – de-struction takes less time and is messy; con-struction takes more time to do well and is often less messy

             – make a list of the actual steps that must occur to get the project “done.” By crossing off items you can feel/see accomplishments; even small steps as sometimes that is all you can accomplish

             – PRAISE his work! He desperately wants that. +1,000,000 to all posters who said his ego is attached to the house and his work on it. You may not share that sense of self, but he does and the more you complain about the house, the more he distances from you. (Like the Zax in the Prarie of Prax by Dr. Seuss…no one moves, stalemate.)

             – There is no reason why you can’t have a 3 bedroom house and your two desired kids. The “spare room” for guests does NOT have to be a separate bedroom. There are tons of ways to accomplish this…you both know that and he may be seeing your position on this as just another way to hate this house. There are wonderful day beds, couches/ottomans that are beds, and even beds like murply beds that come out of walls of bookcases…they could easily be integrated into a basement or den or living room situation. The murphy bed ones are ideal for that because they can be bolted into the basement floor. In reality, how many weeks/weekends would you have company? You don’t have to follow the McMansion rule of everyone having their own everything and separate rooms for one specific activity. You might look at magazines and websites devoted to remodeling etc. Houzz is one that has tons of ideas. There are many magazines out there that are not related to McMansions or have ideas which help you work through. Renovations are shown all over the place. You might look at the Atomic Home magazine for renovation ideas.

             – Sitting together and looking through idea books and magazines and websites can bring you together. If you can at least agree on style and look and function and colors and furnishings, it is a place where you DO agree.

             – Brushing this aside and defaulting to someone coming in to do what you seem to tell him he can’t do is not getting you anywhere. Neither is fussing about needing to move. Take his reality for what it is. Take your reality for what it is. If there are small parts and steps to a job, perhaps you can work through that. You can also spend a weekend at a friend’s or a hotel if there is part of the job that you can’t stomach the mess.

             – Remember the mess is temporary.

             – Take a vacation away from the house together…so you are not always at work or working on the house, especially if you are not working on the renovation with him.

             – Go back to therapy as this is really a wedge between you two. Try a different therapist.

             – Best wishes, keep us posted.

11. Love this suit, wish I could afford it.

12. So I’ve been dating a really great guy for a little over four months. It’s going really well. And I’m freaking out for no reason except that it’s going really well.

    I was single for a LONG time before I met him, and I think I’m realizing that on some level, being single was a safe place for me to be. There was no risk, but then of course there was little reward. Now I have all these FEELINGS and it’s exciting and thrilling… and also terrifying.

    Have any longtime singletons been through anything similar when starting a new relationship? Any stories or advice to share?

    1. I think it’s a sign of immaturity. People are often conditioned to embrace drama. It’s somehow more exciting even if it’s a sign of dysfunction. “Freaking out” and being “terrified” of a relationship that is going really well, to me, is a red flag that you’re not ready for it.

       (Mind you, there are lots logistical and other challenges presented when going from single to coupled—and bracing at them isn’t abnormal—but that doesn’t seem to be what you’re getting at.)

       1. Hm, I disagree. If you’ve been single for a long time, the emotional intimacy (and risk) that comes with a romantic relationship can be very scary, because it’s new and different and out of your comfort zone. I don’t think there’s anything weird about that at all.

          1. Maybe I’m misreading the post, but to me freaking out because of being in a relationship (“this is all so new & different”) is very different from freaking out because the relationship is going well— which is what the OP said. To me being scared of a good relationship *because* it’s good is a sign of dysfunction.

       2. I disagree. It’s a big change, and now suddenly you have something that you could lose, and that is scary. When you’re single, your life is more in your control.

          4 months is also that awkward phase where you are (likely) committed but not serious. I find in relationships I alternate between feeling comfortable and uncomfortable as you reach bigger milestones. Sounds like you guys are on the verge of being more serious and that is scary.

          I don’t have any advice except to say I personally think it’s okay to be a bit scared, but make sure you don’t overreact to things/freak out/otherwise let these nerves affect how you perceive the relationship and the progress. Sometimes even reminding yourself that yes, this is a guy you want to be with, but you will be OKAY if thinks don’t work out because you’ve been there, done, that, can make it less stressful.

       3. Maybe some more information about why you’re “freaking out” would be helpful? What are these freak outs like? What triggers them?

          Are you excited that it’s going well, but afraid it will stop? Are you nervous about feeling vulnerable? Is he engaging in behaviors that make you think he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings? Are you nervous about having to make commitments and sacrifices in the future?

          1. Nervous about being emotionally vulnerable. I have no doubt that he reciprocates my feelings — if anything, I think his feelings may be stronger than mine.

             I also find the rational part of my brain being like, “This might end, so why get any more invested because it’ll only hurt more when it ends.” But the only way to move forward is to think/hope that it will last, right?

       4. Maybe you’re right that there’s something dysfuncitonal in OP’s response, but who isn’t somewhat dysfunctional about something in their life? I don’t think that means you’re not ready for the relationship, it means that you should be aware that there might be aspects of it you’ll need to work on yourself to handle. (Full disclosure: I was very much in the thick of recovering from a s*xual assault when DH came into my life. I wasn’t really ready for a relationship like that, but there he was. We worked through my issues together.)

          I suspect that you’re primarily waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it may. But at some point you realize that most people are at some level…and, to be honest, there’s always another shoe waiting to fall. Maybe the relationship will succeed but it will be incompatible with your job, or you get married and something else bad happens like health problems in your family or infertility or… I don’t think there’s a secret to accepting your current life other than trying to enjoy it as much as you possibly can. Even if it only gets better, it will be different and you may occasionally miss things you currently have. So forgive yourself for being terrified, just accept that you are. And at the same time, enjoy all the exciting, fun, firsts that come with a new relationship. If things go really well, you may not have those again.

    2. Relax and enjoy! I don’t take this as immaturity or any kind of defect or flaw on your part. It’s called falling in love, and yes, it can be terrifying, especially for a self-proclaimed long-time singleton (been there). Your heart wants this to happen, but your brain knows how much it can hurt if the rug gets pulled out from under you. These feelings are normal, and you will be just fine.

       Enjoy the newness of it all, and don’t let your mind get in your way! And feel free to share some wonderful new relationship stories with us! I know some of the overachievers on here are romantics at heart and will appreciate hearing how you’re doing!

       1. Aw, thanks! That’s sweet.

          You put into words exactly how I feel: “Your heart wants this to happen, but your brain knows how much it can hurt if the rug gets pulled out from under you.”

    3. I think this is very common, I hear it from my friends all the time. I often tell them that if you’re not at least a little freaked out, you’re not taking it seriously enough. A long-term relationship is a big commitment, and not one to be taken lightly. So it’s okay to be apprehensive.

       Before I started dating DH, I hadn’t been on a date in something like 5 years. It took me a long time to move past the fears of being in new territory. Be sure, however, those fears aren’t running your life. Fear alone shouldn’t dictate the choices you make. For me, accepting the fact that I was nervous/afraid/anxious, and accepting the fact that it was okay to feel that way as long as it didn’t run my life seemed to work well. I also found being honest with him about my fears was important, he was able to help me think through why I was afraid, loved me in spite of my fears, and trusted that as we progressed in the relationship my fears would lessen. I eventually calmed down and settled into the relationship. Good luck!

    4. I experienced this exact thing when I first started seeing my now boyfriend after being single for 6 years. I was so used to the drama of dating, analysing every detail with my girlfriends and the inevitable end of the NewMan. When I started seeing my now boyfriend (going on a year or so) I was so used to the drama that the easy, secure, enjoyable relationship was a bit of an adjustment. But I see now that all it was was a bad habit, encouraged by $ex and the City and silly girlfriends. Don’t take it too seriously – just enjoy it and if it is, indeed, the right thing, the anxiety will disappear once the novelty has worn off! Oh, and congratulations!

13. Ann Taylor has a light gray pinstripe suit now that will surely go on sale http://www.anntaylor.com/pinstripe-stretch-cotton-blend-jacket/336391?colorExplode=false&skuId=16084148&catid=cata000013&productPageType=fullPriceProducts&defaultColor=6654

14. To AIMS, re talbots pants…I liked these so much I have two black, two navy, and one gray. It’s a nice light gray. They do run big, I went down a size and they are great and not frumpy. I think I will probably wear these all year round.

    1. I’m so glad! Mine are currently getting hemmed but I can’t wait to wear them. Agree that they run big – unlike the two talbots skirts I tried on that felt much less Talbots and much more Bebe in terms of tightness.

15. What I really dislike about this blog is all the comments that are totally irrelevant to the blog post they’re under! Am I missing something?

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