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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 296 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Seamed A-Line Dress

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Black Sheath Dress: Tahari by Arthur S. Levine Seamed A-Line DressOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This seamed A-line dress comes in regular and plus sizes and looks so fabulous on the plus-size model I thought I'd feature that picture. It looks like an easy but professional dress, and I like that it comes in a zillion colors, as well as plus, petite and regular sizes. I vastly prefer the three-quarter sleeve version to the elbow-sleeve version, but that's me. It’s $128-$138 at Nordstrom. Tahari by Arthur S. Levine Seamed A-Line Dress ADMIN UPDATE: If anyone is having problems with the mobile comments (such as a username/email address that is not your own being pre-populated), please send me a screenshot. I'm very curious to see if it's the same info each time or if there's some relation to IP addresses or what. (iPhone? Android?) Thanks. (If you are interested in plus-size workwear, please sign up for CorporettePlus, our newsletter! Signing up helps us gauge interest in the project, and we promise not to blast your email more than once a week at most — right now it's more like once a month. In keeping with our Privacy Policy, we'll never sell your email address.) Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

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Comments

  1. Non-Guest

    I’m hesitating posting this given the history of this topic before but I need some perspective.

    My boyfriend was invited to a wedding of one his best friends. This is a friend I hang out with on a regular basis. My boyfriend and I have actually been together for longer than the couple that’s getting married. He didn’t get a plus one/I didn’t get invited.

    I know weddings are tough and it can be a balancing act when it comes to who to invite but I’m actually insulted. I feel like it’s a reflection of how they see me and our relationship by not inviting me, along with him. Am I completely off base here?

    • Cat

      Ugh, that is tough. Can you gather some data from other couple-friends of the groom? You may at least find out that other couples are being treated consistently. (And if they’re not, I’d be really annoyed too.)

      How does your BF feel about it?

      • Anonymous

        Yay Kat! This is a cute dress, and I can use one like this! Thank you! I will show the manageing partner!

        As for the OP, others have said it, but i will say it differentley. Do not be concerned b/c if you are the onley one being shunted, then there will be alot of guy’s but very few women there. As such, there will be less of a temtation for the guys’ to go after the deseperate unmarried women who are longeing to meet men. Of course there may alway’s be a few, but you can imagine that they will NOT be attractive and your boyfreind will NOT likeley want to meet/greet/or otherwise hang out with any of the bridesmaids. FOOEY!

        I am still very busy workeing on the challenge for 500 hours the manageing partner gave me. I onley have 383 hours billed and way less then a week to make up the differnce b/f I go on vacation with Myrna. With 117 hours left, i figure that i can stay late tonite and all day tomorrow and i will be over the top! YAY!!!!!

        I want to wish the entire have a very happy holiday and best wishes to all of the singel men out there I have yet to meet. One of them, I pray, will want to MARRY me! YAY!!!

    • ArenKay

      I understand your feelings, but I think you should try to let it go. Weddings really do bring out amazing stress in people–couples are balancing budgets, family expectations, cultural and religious traditions, pressure to have and Amazing Memorable Wedding Spectacle. Just chalk it up to wedding pressure, and schedule something fun for yourself for that weekend.

    • Basically Dash(er)

      It’s fine to feel insulted that you weren’t invited if you feel you’re close with the guy getting married, but I’d assume they’re not doing +1’s for anyone, rather than picking and choosing who gets to bring a guest. I’d also assume they’re trying to keep the wedding limited to very close friends.

      If it’s eating you up, you could bring it up with your boyfriend, who could then say something to his friend, like “I’m looking forward to it, but I gotta be honest man, I’m kinda bummed I can’t bring Non-Guest.”

      • Annie

        No! Don’t let your BF hint around for a plus 1. Regardless of whether or not the couple should have invited you (directly or through a plus 1), I think one of the rudest of rude things that happens around a wedding is when guests ask for an extra invitation. The couple clearly made a choice (right or wrong) not to invite you. Don’t ask for reconsideration.

          • Anonymous

            Get a grip! People disagreeing with you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak.

          • Annie

            BT, I’m one of yous general supporters. You should feel free to say your opinion. I really wasn’t intended to “silence” you — I didn’t even pay attention to who wrote the comment to which I was responding. I know I’ve seen you mention that some commenters have told you that you shouldn’t talk. I’m not one of them. I just disagree with your suggestion here. That’s all! But like I said below, keep on doing you.

    • lost academic

      I think it is perfectly natural to feel that way, but it’s important to take a large step back and realize that there is very little likelihood they thought nearly that much about it and, I think, very likely not in those terms at all. It just looks very different from the inviting side than it does from the invitee side, without getting into all the potential things that are taking center stage for mental energy on their side. But all in all, it’s just very easy to take things that aren’t meant personally at all to be that way.

    • Sydney Bristow

      That sucks. My guess is they decided to set the line for extra guests as married couples only and that’s why you weren’t included. It’s unfortunate though since it sounds like you are more a group of friends now rather than solely connected through your boyfriend.

      I’d be disappointed but I don’t think there is anything you can do. Try not to take it personally though. They probably drew a strict line based on some criteria and didn’t decide to exclude you because they don’t like you or don’t see your relationship as serious.

    • lawsuited

      Not being invited to a wedding is almost always a reflection of limited wedding budget, and I wouldn’t read anything more into it than that.

      • Clementine

        Yeah… We wanted a smaller wedding and our budget allowed for 75-100 guests (we did allow plus ones).

        Once we invited family (including only 5 first cousins), people who were doing readings/making toasts (we did just a Best Lady and Best Man) and family friends, we could invite ten friends… yes, ten. It was a bummer, but it’s just how it goes.

      • Genia

        I’d be upset too, if I had a friendship that I felt was being snubbed by a party invitation. The guest list, however, was probably made when they got engaged (~1 year ago?). Unfortunately, you need a guest list to proceed with planning because the number of guests has a profound effect the budget which it can mean that growing friendships aren’t recognized.

        • Anonymous

          Nonsense. That’s just unacceptable. People meet people. They get into relationships. They get married. Your guest list needs to have enough flexibility to account for the ebb and flow of life over a year.

    • Anonymous

      No- my bf (now husband) had this happen and was furious at his friend. People often confuse what a plus one is. A plus one is not for a specific person- it’s for your friend that is completely single and they can bring whoever they want. When someone is in a relationship you invite their significant other- this is not a plus one it’s inviting a “social unit” I would feel horribly insulted too- what does your bf think?

      (Some people implement a “no ring no bring rule” but my opinion is that is classless and rude)

      • Suburban

        +1000 sorry you feel badly op, but these folks are in the wrong. Long time couple= social unit to polite people for exactly this reason.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed. This strikes me as terrible rude — you’re not some nameless, faceless person to them. Seems nearly impossible to me that they didn’t consider how you’d feel when they sent an invite to your boyfriend and not to you. (And if they didn’t, that doesn’t reflect terribly well, either…)

        • Annie

          Wait a minute. The couple doesn’t need to invite every single person they know. It is crazy to think that if you don’t get invited, then you’re a “nameless, faceless person to them.”

          It’s not about you! It’s about the couple, what they can afford, the size of the venue, the size of their families, etc. Maybe it’s about constraints imposed by parents, who might be helping foot the bill.

          It’s okay to wish that you’d been invited, but it is not okay to blow this up into a huge deal. This is the couple’s day. It’s not your day.

          • anon at 10:49

            Listen, I’m planning a wedding right now. I get it. Guests cost money. But we have spent a lot of time thinking about our guest list, and that includes thinking about the impact of our actions on other people. We would never exclude a long-term significant other because that feels shitty. Full stop.

      • Eliza

        Could not agree more. You are not a random +1, nor are you a distant friend. You are the SO of a close friend. No excuses for the couple’s rudeness here.

    • weddings

      I do understand why you feel the way you do. You are not off base. You feel how you feel.

      But remember that weddings are very expensive and choices have to be made. You also didn’t mention anything about the bride. I suspect that is because you guys aren’t as close with the bride and you don’t hang out with her as often. Usually the bride does more of the wedding planning then the groom. In general.

      I was close friends with a guy for many years…. met in England, and moved back to the states in the same city. He was like a big brother to me. When he got married to a woman who I didn’t know well, I was not invited to the wedding. He actually had very few friends/family at all at the wedding, as all of his family was overseas. But she controlled the wedding invites, had a large family.

      I was quite hurt, and I admit….. our friendship was never the same….. but remember that women get their panties WAY up in a knot about these things much more than guys. And my guy friend was completely clueless and had no idea. And now I am embarrassed and mad at myself for distancing myself from them after their wedding.

      It doesn’t matter. Let it go.

    • Non-Guest

      Thanks for all the quick replies ladies. To answer your questions:

      -we’re the only other couple in the immediate friend group so I don’t really know any other couples are being treated/if its even relevant
      -my bf always errs on the side of not rocking the boat so he’s making excuses for his friends.

      I don’t really want to do anything I guess – I just feel crappy about it, especially given the fact that I do hang out with these friends. I guess I feel that we are a social unit so it’s rude to invite one of us to something and not the other (with certain reasonable limits i.e. catch up with friends etc.). Part of my frustration is probably also due to his reaction but that’s a different issue.

      Sigh. Ok. I guess I’m moving on but thanks for validating how I’m feeling ladies!

      • weddings

        I’d let it go. You are the lone woman in a bunch of guy friends, and are probably only there because of your boyfriend…. am I right?

        The guy friends are a social unit with your bf…. not with you. That’s how guys see these things. It would be different if there were a bunch of SO’s involved.

        • Ella

          Rise above it. Seriously, it sucks and I’d be upset too, but being the bigger person will make you feel awesome in the long run. Plan something fun for yourself that night and think no more of it.

      • Plusone

        I don’t know all the circumstances here but I would ask your bf politely and directly speak with his friend about it (hi wedding guy, I received an invite to your wedding but not guest’s name is not on the invite. Is that correct?). The reason I say this is that not everyone is well-versed in wedding etiquette. A couple years ago, my then Bf of 10 years was invited to a wedding but my name was not on the invite (even though it was mailed to our shared apt.). I said I wasn’t invited and wasn’t going — basic rule of wedding etiquette, right? My bf insisted that wasn’t the case (and was totally unaware of the addresee only rule) and contacted his groom. Turns out, the bride (who addressed the invites and who neither of us had ever met) just didn’t didn’t know my name and also they were not aware / not adhering to the “invitee only” rule. I insisted that was ridiculous, my bf insisted I was assuming that rules of etiquette that are no longer as widely known applied. Now, the result In your situation my be different — but the only way to know is to ask (and accept with grace the answer you receive).

    • Anonymous

      I read in one of my mother’s books on manners that only engaged couples technically need to be invited together (or not at all). (I think that that strikes the write note — married couples see each other all the time. IMO, single people need to be invited to weddings as singles b/c how will you meet someone at a wedding if you come with a mere date?) Wedding invitations technically come from the bride’s family anyway (and they may not know you at all).

      Maybe if you focus on this last sentence, you can see why, at least in a historical context, it’s certainly not anyone’s reflection on your relationship (and certainly no endorsement of the people who were invited as couples). The people getting married, particularly the bride and her family, are busy doing things other than judging you.

      • Anonymous

        Do you think that the guy getting married gave his fiance a list of people (most of which are his relatives and then his best guy friends) that even included you in it? I think that hetero guys can be a bit binary: Joe is married to Mary (then lists Joe and Mary) but Larry is single (and thinks no more about it even though he watches football with you on Sundays).

          • Anonymous

            But a lot of this may hinge on the bride’s mother (who was not raised in 2015). So, it’s at least the Mad Men era where weddings are concerned unless you are sure that the couple is doing everything by themselves (maybe) and jointly (rare).

          • Math

            Uh, what? Weddings are dictated by 1960s traditions because that’s when the MOB was raised?

            If the bride’s parents got married in the 60s (which would be more influential than being raised in 60s), then bride would like be 30-40. Which is old enough to know your own mind and make your own wedding decisions.

            If the bride is in her 20s (and more likely to be influenced the bride) then her parents were more likely to have gotten married in the late 70s or 80s.

        • Anonymous

          I think it matters much more in 2015 if it is a wedding you have to travel for and take off work. For a local wedding, you can duck out early if you hate to be alone and meet up with your honey (and, frankly, that shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone). I don’t think that a regular couple wants one half to have to take a mini-break alone and my guess is that if you don’t invite both halves of a couple, the solo-invited person won’t come (unless it’s maybe a family visit that can get tied on). The non-invited person won’t like it.

          [ALSO, WTH with people going on cruise weddings inviting people solo and then having them have to pay for a “single rate” cabin? I hate that and refuse to go to them.]

          • Wildkitten

            I think there are a lot of reasons people don’t invite plus ones, which have to do with budgeting, but it’s not because married people already see too much of each other, or that live in partners should go cruising for a bridesmaid to bang, or because the bride’s parents are making the invite list without the couple’s input.

          • Anonymous

            I didn’t even know “cruise weddings” were a thing and I’m very grateful for that.

      • Basically Dash(er)

        I won’t argue with single people being encouraged to come single so they can meet someone, but if someone’s in a serious relationship, they might be single in that they’re not married or engaged to be married, but I wouldn’t want them invited to go alone so they can meet someone else either. What a message to send to their SO. “yeah you’re nice, but it’s time we help so-and-so meet someone they’ll actually want to marry.” OP wouldn’t be her boyfriend’s “mere date” just because he hasn’t put a ring on her finger yet.

        But you do make a good point about the invitations coming from the bride’s family. If she doesn’t know OP and her fiancee didn’t think to tell her OP has a serious girlfriend, it could have been an oversight.

        • Em

          Eh, it’s also not up to anyone else whether I am on the market or not. Sorry, I may not want to meet someone at your wedding even though I’m single. Not all single people want to be married.

    • Anonymous

      It hideously rude. Your boyfriend should be saying “oh girlfriend’s invited right?” And is he doesn’t you should be mad at him because he doesn’t have your back.

      • Anonymous

        No — that is either charmingly naive or passive-aggressive if planned. You weren’t invited and you know that and he knows that. The most he could say is that Susie wishes you all the best (which it seems you don’t).

        • Anonymous

          Nah. People are thoughtless and clueless. Before boyfriend declines the invitation (which he should do if she really isn’t invited) he should give them a chance to say “of course she is obvi we are expecting her!”

          • Anonymous

            I get putting your foot down if a person isn’t invited b/c of race or religion, but if a person isn’t invited b/c size limits / you’re not close but BF is / the bride has no idea who you are / bride’s mother is inviting all of her second cousins / your invitation was lost / a complete oversight, BF refusing to go for those reasons seems to be really childish.

            If you really like these people, do things with them now and afterwards. In the long run, you want to all have great lives together long-term (and maybe 20 years from now they will be wishing they’d not invited cousin Sally so that you could have been there or it will be revealed when they get X cancellations that you were on the B list for invites).

      • Anonymous

        I wouldn’t do this. I think it’s rude too, but I also would go by the etiquette book and not mention it.

    • Anonymous

      No, you’re not off base. It is insulting based on what you wrote here. If it’s a teeny/tiny wedding where no one gets a date, or your BF is witness to an elopement or something, that’s different. But a standard wedding with a lot of guests? Insulting and outdated way of thinking (I’m presuming the rationale is something like only married people get guests.)

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      That definitely sucks. I was invited with an ex to an engagement party, but then come time for the wedding I wasn’t invited! It was crazy, but they divorced pretty quickly after the wedding. I would be offended, but I’d be even more embarrassed to be the couple getting married, especially if they plan to hang out with you after the wedding. Let your boyfriend do what he wants as far as attending or not and if he does attend, make a weekend of it for yourself! Plan a girl’s night or a weekend vacation, or just enjoy the time to yourself to read a good book! Unless you are very close to the couple getting married or have a lot of friends going, weddings usually suck anyway! I’d rather skip most of them.

      • Anonymous

        Seriously!

        The flip side is the gift grab where you’re all why did these people even invite me? Oh, yeah, it must have something to do that that registry link they sent me.

        Be happy that you didn’t make the cut for any showers (let alone the cut for wedding party member) :0

    • TBK

      If it’s one of your boyfriend’s best friends, he calls the guy up and says “dude, it’s kind of weird you didn’t invite Non-Guest. What’s up?” But this should be about your boyfriend’s relationship with his good friend, not about the friend’s and his fiancee’s opinion about your relationship with your boyfriend (because who cares?).

      Honestly though I’d be shocked if it wasn’t just an oversight. My husband actually forgot to list WIVES with the names of his guests when I was putting together invitations. I had to go back to him and say things like “isn’t Kevin married?” and he’d say “yeah, why?” And I’d be like, seriously? He also didn’t have guest’s last names (and sometimes had to look them up — again, seriously? you don’t know all your friends’ last names?), didn’t know whether they lived with GFs (even though he’d seen the guy in the last week — how does that not come up?), didn’t remember GFs or fiancees’ or wives’ names (or if the wife had the same last name as the friend), etc. etc. If there aren’t other couples being invited, the bride might just have no idea her fiance is being so clueless. Even if she knows you, she might assume her fiance has a reason for not inviting you when in fact he just didn’t even think about it and assumed that an invite to BF would mean you were included.

      • Anonymous

        I think that TBK is married to my husband. Yay, sister wives?

        In my case, I had a MIL who supplied addresses (but had only met here once before, when I was just a new GF, and had no idea if it was representative (or would lead to e-mails like this)). It was heavy on her friends from the neighborhood my husband had grown up in (and the children of those friends, which were my husband’s childhood playmates).

        I have sent Christmas cards every year and you can bet that my contact info / marital status / etc. is always spot-on (but when the husband is estranged from his family and you don’t know if he’s moved out or moved back, the card goes to “the Wild and Crazies” b/c with children it becomes ambiguous).

      • anonymama

        Yeah, my husband has also thrown away the envelope to a wedding invitation without noting who was listed on the envelope. I don’t think it would hurt for him to check with his friend, in a low-pressure, just wanted to make sure kind of way to confirm that they meant to just invite him. But also, a lot of people have small-ish weddings, and while 70-100 people may sound like a lot, depending on family size that may leave only a few invitations for friends. And if there is a group of guy friends with girlfriends of varying degrees of seriousness, it may have seemed fairer to them to just invite only married couples, rather than trying to parse out which relationships are really serious or not, and inevitably causing hurt feelings one way or another.

    • Cp

      I think it is taking it too far to think that no plus one is about you. It is likely about budget or a hard and fast rule they put that plus ones are for married folks only. I would be cool about it and make your BF miss you and wish you were there instead of making it a big drama. Do NOT invite yourself to something you were not invited to. It isn’t your place and I’m sorry you have to deal with this!

    • Fishie

      This seems like a significant oversight or slight to me. I would ask your BF to talk straight (and respectfully) to his friend. “Hey friend, I know weddings are a political nightmare, and I don’t want to add to your stress, but I was wondering whether you just weren’t doing any plus ones or if there was some oversight and my longtime GF wasn’t invited. Either way, I will be there and am so excited for you, but wanted to check.”

    • Faye

      I recommend a white lie from your BF. “Hey friend! I accidentally threw away the envelope without looking at the names. Is my GF invited? No worries either way, just wanted to check before I assumed. Aren’t weddings the worst? Thanks.”

    • Non-Guest

      Thanks all! I chatted briefly with my boyfriend and he seems to think it’s not a big deal. Apparently it’s a small wedding from the groom’s side. (not the bride’s side though…)

      I’ve decided to just let it go but I made a point of telling him I want him to have my back. Turns out I cared more about him caring about my feelings than going to the wedding of his friends!

      It’s also incredible to see how many guys just don’t think about things like this! Thanks again – I feel much better.

  2. Sydney Bristow

    I know that Sofi has been discussed here for refinancing student loans. I have a couple questions that aren’t quite clear from their s!te.

    Do they have any IBR payment options? All I saw was the unemployment deferral option. Alternatively, does anyone know a student loan refinancing company that does offer IBR?

    Related, is there any loan forgiveness like the federal IBR program allows?

    Is it possible to choose which loans to include? If I can’t do IBR, I’d like to just refinance my private loans. Is that possible?

    How easy is it to make extra payments? Are they always applied correctly? I’ve had a horrible experience with Sallie Mae never properly applying my extra payments and I’d like to avoid that hassle every month.

    Thanks!

    • Wildkitten

      Only federal loans include IBR and loan forgiveness. You can refi only your private loans with SoFi.

      I don’t know the answers to the other two.

        • Anonymous

          I think WK is saying that OP has the *option* to refinance only her private loans, thus keeping the federal loans with the federal servicer and eligible for IBR. Not that you *can’t* refinance government loans with SoFi, which many of us have done.

    • Also in IBR

      IBR and related loan forgiveness is only for federal loans or loans administered by the government. If you privately refinance your federal loans, you lose these programs.

      You may be able to consolidate your federal loans and maintain IBR, but I don’t think you get much of a refinance benefit.

      You can definitely refinance only your private loans. Ironically for me, my private loans have the lowest interest rate of all of them (3.25%!)

      This is part of the reason I am trying to move in to the civil service. 10 years of IBR and they forgive your balance tax-free. Ironically, becoming a government employee is about 110x harder than one would expect. I kind of regret leaving the nonprofit space/not paying on my loans while I was at a nonprofit (did my master’s while working there).

        • Wildkitten

          Government loans are offered to everyone, not just people with excellent credit and high incomes. So, even though the interest rates are higher than they should be, private loans will always have lower interest rates than federal loans.

          Again, while there are some ridiculous rules about who gets preference for government jobs, civil service, with excellent loan benefits, stability, the possibility of work life balance, and the knowledge that you are working in public service, are excellent jobs so there is a lot of competition.

          • Hollis

            lol! By the way, at a Taylor Swift concert, Alannis was invited to sing with her on stage and a bunch of Taylor Swift fans were tweeting, “Who is this Alanis person?!?” Made me feel old.

        • Anonymous

          Running with the definition of irony: “happening in the opposite way to what is expected, and typically causing wry amusement because of this,” I disagree, but YMMV.

          • Wildkitten

            Government loans are offered to everyone, not just people with excellent credit and high incomes. So, even though the interest rates are higher than they should be, private loans will always have lower interest rates than federal loans.

            Just because you personally don’t understand interest rates doesn’t make the rates themselves ironic.

          • Maddie Ross

            That is simply untrue that the gov’t loans will have higher interest rates than private. When I got out of law school, my private loans were at 6.5%-ish and my gov’t loans (which I still have) were barely above 2%. What may be true is that the gov’t ones are generally locked, so if you graduate at an opportune moment (me in 2004), then you’re good. Private are most often variable.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah, it’s definitely not the case that the private rates will “always” be lower than government, but it’s also not ironic when they are.

    • Sydney Bristow

      That’s too bad about the IBR and forgiveness, but also what I was guessing. I hadn’t realized you could pick and choose loans though so it looks like a good deal for my private loans.

      I was pre-approved for an flat interest rate about 2% less than my current one. If I go with the 7 year option instead of 10 (which is what I currently have left on my private loans), the monthly payment will only go up $50/month. That is totally doable.

      I’m probably going for it but know I should shop around. Any other companies people recommend? And I’m still interested to hear how easily extra payments work for Sofi or any other company.

      • salary rich/cash poor

        I just refinanced with SoFi last month. The only anecdote I can offer about extra payments is that I had $2200 due this month. I paid $3000. $2,603 went towards the principle. So, yes it works I guess?

        I also signed up for autopay and there was an option to add an “extra amount” to each monthly autopay.

        • Anonymous

          Only caveat is that adding an extra amount doesn’t work seamlessly if your rate is variable–if you pay extra, and then your rate adjusts, they will calculate a new payment schedule at that time. Because you’ve paid extra, your minimum payments are now lower, and your extra amount stays the same–this means you’re paying less total than you were before, whereas generally you’d want to keep it the same. It’s easy enough to add the extra as a manual payment, but it is somewhat annoying having to do that every month. My rate went up .01% seemingly every month, so I always had to figure out what the additional amount I needed was and schedule a new payment. Sounds like OP is doing fixed so this can all be ignored, but I’m just putting it here for anyone else who may search for this in the future.

          It is easy enough to make manual extra payments to principal, but then again, I’ve never had that issue with a single one of my servicers.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Hi! I use them and love them. The link in my name is my refinancing story with them. I make extra payments all of the time and they are always applied correctly. Once you refinance, it is just one loan anyway so it’s not like they have to apply it to the correct one. They also continue taking out your auto payment so no concerns about due dates just advancing or what not. You can also see your payment history and what went to principal and what went to interest after each payment. They switched servicers and I’ve been happy with both of them. Let me know if you have any other questions.

      • Sydney Bristow

        That is great to hear about the extra payments. Before I paid off Sallie Mae I made an extra payment every month (in every configuration possible) and they’d just hold it and advance my due date even when I checked the box to apply to principal. It always took at least 20 min on the phone each month to get them to fix it and they’d give me a different reason that it was processed incorrectly every time. I’m a little jumpy about switching services when my current ones process extra payments correctly.

        This all sounds pretty great. Are there any catches that I’m missing?

        Thanks for all the responses!

        • Blonde Lawyer

          The only thing that worried me was if Congress was going to pass any sweeping student loan reform or forgiveness of federal loans that I would miss out on by rolling my federals into my consolidation. Since you are just doing private, you wouldn’t have to worry about that. I decided it was so unlikely to happen that I would include my federals. The only other thing I “lost” was the option to do IBR or PAYE but I wasn’t doing either of those anyway.

        • Anonymous

          Sydney, the only possible “catch” I’d throw in is that I’ve had several friends earning “public interest salaries” (which is obviously a range, but I generally mean in the category where they found IBR beneficial and were enrolled) and they were not approved by SoFi. I’ve seen various rumors of minimum employment history and debt to income ratios used in their underwriting so who knows to what extent those are true and played a factor, or if there were other credit factors at issue. But I’d at least be prepared for the possibility, and if you don’t mind, let us know the outcome so we can debunk those rumors/anecdata if not true.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            I think they are fairly forthcoming that they are picky about lending. I would absolutely bet there is a minimum salary and employment history but I’m not so sure about debt to income ratio because mine was pretty high when I was approved. But it was mortgage/student loan debt not credit card / medical debt if that matters.

  3. Frankie

    I feel like I could get a lot of wear out of this dress.

    Menu help please! Y’all are always so good at it. New apartment after living out of state for years- I don’t want to call it a house warming but want to have some sort of cocktail party- open house. I guess it my first real life party besides “come over to watch the game. 26 people (prob not all will make it) some babies might be in the mix and there won’t be enough seats for a sit down meal but there will be enough space. My husband is a great cook- I am not. I am thinking this is an appetizer situation- what would you serve for food and drinks? Any tips on hosting a delightful party? I want the vibe to be casual but still elegant if that makes sense

    • Wildkitten

      Costco stuffed grape leaves. Costco veggies. Costco hummus. Trader Joe’s wine, crackers and cheese.

      (I don’t cook so I don’t have actual cooking suggestions).

      Also, folding chairs and card tables if you want to host a sit down later.

      • Senior Attorney

        And my favorite Trader Joe’s cheese is the creamy Toscano soaked in Syrah. Yum! You can’t miss it — it’s white cheese with a purple outside.

        • Another anonymous judge

          I want to live in a reality where I drive an Audi and there are Costco grape leaves and Toscano soaked in Syrah. Sadly – not so much in the part of Canada where I reside (and preside lol).

          • Wildkitten

            TJ is very affordable. Audis I have no experience with. My car is a bus pass.

          • Wildkitten

            But since there is a bus that goes from half a block from TJ to half a block from my apt it’s golden. Not complaining!

    • Anon

      I’ve made Spanish tortilla for occasions like this because it is made in advance, served room temperature, and cut into small pieces for serving. You could do sangria, olives, marcona almonds, and thin sliced meats and have an “elegant” party!

      • Frankie

        Thanks! Elegant is the wrong word but you get my gist- going for more than chips out of bags this time haha.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      If there’s not enough seating for a sit-down meal, definitely focus on making two-bite appetizer type stuff (basically, things people can pick up and munch while standing) – mini sandwiches/sliders, cheese and crackers, pita chips and veggies with dips, etc. Personally, I’d head to Trader Joes and check out their frozen appetizers selection, and then just make a bunch of those, plus maybe one “showstopper” dish from scratch (I’d probably do mini pulled pork sliders, because my crowd would flip for those, but YMMV).

      • Wildkitten

        This is what I love the Costco stuffed grape leaves for. You can eat them standing up and with your fingers, but they contain rice and veggies so you are still getting some substantial food in.

        • Hollis

          I agree with the Costco selection, but for some reason, my kids (and my friends’ kids) don’t do stuffed grape leaves. I think the leaves are too sophisticated and taste a little too vinegary for kids. I would go for trays of mini-quiches, egg rolls, and those dinosaur-shaped chicken fingers instead. Maybe those small roller-sandwiches. Add a veggie tray, hummus, pita chips, and some fruit (grapes and strawberries) and you’re done.

    • Fishie

      Ina has good advice about cocktail parties. She says something like make 1 app, assemble 1 or 2, and buy the rest at the store. If you are going to be mixing drinks too, you don’t want to be spending a ton of time cooking.

      http://www.foodnetwork.com/shows/barefoot-contessa/300-series/perfect-cocktail-party.html

      That said, parmesan crisps are super easy and a good munchie. I’d also do olives, some kind of pate, brie with fig or fruit jam, a cheese/meat board, and maybe 1 thing from Trader Joes.

  4. the gold digger

    May I say how thrilled I am to see sleeves? What is it with manufacturers who think we all want to be bare-armed at work? At work in the winter? My brand at work, I have discovered, is “The Woman Who Always Wears Her Coat.” I do that because it is cold. I want sleeves. On a winter dress, especially, I want sleeves. I do not think I am asking too much.

    • Little Red

      That’s me too. I’m pretty much live in my spring jacket (spring and summer) and leather jacket (fall). My manager always teases me when I do occasionally not wear my jacket in the office.

  5. This dress (and fabric Q)

    I really, really like this dress! I wish there were a light blue (or a non-cobalt, non-navy blue). I have a million black dresses (and maybe a million and one).

    For the fabric, I am finding that my favorite ponte dress is starting to pill or fuzz (more fuzz than pill) a bit where my seatbelt goes across my chest. It’s a wonderful dress, but not so crisp and new looking. Has anyone had this with ponte? It was a $125 dress, so not the cheapest ponte (but not Classiques Entier or Talbots, the latter of which I can attest that the 2012 vintage ponte wears like iron and still looks new). IDK if this dress is ponte, but wanted to see if anyone had it IRL.

    • Aurora

      Antonio Melani has a stunning light blue sheath with sleeves right now! I have too many dresses already to justify buying it but it sounds right up your alley.

      • Aurora

        Also, Nordstrom carries a Vince Camuto dress in a very similar silhouette to the dress posted today in both cobalt and light blue.

    • Godzilla

      I have purchased a fabric shaver to deal with this. One year ago. Still have not used it. Whoops.

  6. Basically Dash(er)

    I have a challenge for you ladies: avoid the weight talk and body hating this holiday season! When people get together with family, especially family they don’t see during the rest of the year, it’s tempting to gossip about who’s gained weight and who’s lost weight. If you know someone’s been making an effort to slim down to a healthier size and they seem to be succeeding, you can mention they look good, but even then, don’t make a huge deal about it. This is especially important if there are young women present; you don’t want to send the message that weight is a huge deal in your family.

    In the same vein, I know there’s gonna be food everywhere and it’s fine if you want to watch what you eat, but you can refrain from that second helping of pie without making a show of it. Again, try not to say things like “oh no, I can’t eat that! the calories! my trainer would kill me” or ‘no no, I’m really trying to be good this year.” And try to avoid commenting on how much or how little other people are eating.

    Veering off weight, but one year my cousin decided to go on a rant about how Americans eat too much meat and how unhealthy that was, as we were digging into our roast beef dinner. Really ruined the meal for me. Don’t be that woman.

      • Basically Trash

        Yeah, you’re right. it was obnoxious of me to tell people what to do. it’s just something on my mind, my friend and I were talking about it last night.

        • CPA Lady

          I agree with you thought, BT, it does get tiring to constantly have to hear.

          I grew up with comparatively few body and eating issues (my mom NEVER talked about food like that), but years of working in a restaurant on a college campus and having to listen to girls apologize for what they were ordering if it seemed like “a lot” of food… that had an effect on me.

        • Wildkitten

          Maybe you should start a blog?I could see that being an entry on a blog that people would flock to.

          • Basically Trash

            No, everything that comes out of my mouth is garbage, I should just learn to shut up and keep my awful thoughts to myself.

          • Anonymous

            Wait what? You out of the blue posted a random lecture, and someone reasonably suggested you might like having a blog, and positively said she thought lots of people would be interested in reading it.

            It’s bizarre to me that you would conclude that she thinks everything that comes out of your mouth is awful.

          • Basically Trash

            Because it’s not nice to lecture people. I meant it more of a PSA because I think a lot of women say that stuff without realizing how it impacts others, but I wrote too much and it came out all wrong.

          • Anonymous

            It’s pretty clear that Wildkitten’s comment was not a nice, sincere suggestion. It’s getting really old, WK.

          • Anonymous

            Not a troll. I’m a longtime reader and commenter who regularly used a non-Anon name in the past. I find many of Wildkitten’s comments to be rude and unhelpful. If this comment was intended to be a sincere, helpful suggestion, I apologize for misinterpreting it. It really read as sarcastic to me.

          • Wildkitten

            I meant it as a sincere and helpful suggestion. Not everyone gets me. Not everyone likes me. I’m fine with that. This is me.

          • TravelAnon

            Oh, sorry, Anonymous :) It sounded frustrated and there have been so many troll-y Anonymous comments recently.

        • Anonymama

          Nah, I get you were just venting, and I do think so so many people, especially women (although in my family it’s my husband), make the comments you mention as a totally unthinking, reflexive response, and it is really good to have a reminder just to even be able to notice when you are doing it, and realize how pervasive and pernicious it is.

          • Basically trash

            I should have known I’d get a defensive reaction though. people either don’t do it, and would of course feel insulted to hear it insinuated they do, or they do it and see nothing wrong with it. or they do it without realizing it but resent being asked to examine their behavior and consider how it might impact others, especially younger women.

            I mean, yeah I watched movies and read magazine and they had an impact on me, but you know what else did? My mom and her sisters, even my grandmother, talking about how they had too much fat and needed to eat less. My mom has been on various diets since I was 14, so even though she wanted me to love myself, it was also evident that constant weight monitoring and food obsession was also a normal part of womanhood. even when I was in my early 20’s my mom would comment how my breakfast was twice as big as a normal person’s breakfast. I’m a size 4.

    • DisenchantedinDC

      I did a yoga class on Thanksgiving, and when the teacher was talking about setting an intention but to make it short and brief and something you are thankful for, I decided my intention was to be grateful for my strength. I think I get frustrated with my body and forget to honor and thank it for all the awesome things it can do, like squat over 250#. I think that will be my intention for 2016, too – instead focusing on changing myself, to highlight what I can already do.

    • Anonymous

      My challenge to you is to get new friends- I’ve never gossiped about anyone’s weight at a holiday gathering. This seems really passive aggressive – you can vent without making it seem like every commenter is doing this.

    • Annie

      That’s a great suggestion! It reminds me of an article I read that suggested we stop praising little girls for being so adorable / pretty /cute, etc, and instead ask them about what books they like, what their interests are, etc. Women can do a lot to defeat certain cultural norms that we hate.

      Keep on, keepin on, BT.

      • Basically Trash

        It would also be cool if we stopped asking young women if they have boyfriends. If someone’s in a new relationship and want to talk about it, they’ll bring it up. Let’s not make people feel weird if they’re single or not “on track” to get married and make babies anytime soon. Ask about hobbies, ask about books, ask if they’ve seen any cool movies recently.

        • Anonymous

          +1,000,000. So sick of this question, as if the only possible interesting thing someone can think to ask me about is whether there is a man in my life.

        • OttLobbyist

          Actually, just stop asking all women that question, young or not. It’s even worse if you are middle-aged. If I want my personal life out there, I will tell you about it. If not, none of your concern.

        • Anonymous

          Yes, also this. I have been asked in the last week several times if a male friend and I are together because we went to a couple parties, etc., together.

          How is this appropriate? No. If I wanted you, whoever you are, to know anything about our relationship status, I would tell you.

          • Maddie Ross

            Ok, I get the not asking about relationship status out of the blue, or marriage prospects, or child plans, but if you go out several times in a row to parties with a single male friend and I know you to be heterosexual/bi, how is it inappropriate to ask if there’s something going on? I’m sorry, but that one seems to me to be an appropriate question for a good friend to ask.

          • anonymous

            Maddie Ross, I share your position on this. To me, if it’s a good friend and you’re also talking/asking about a bunch of other things, it seems reasonable to me to ask.

        • Hollis

          Just to give you a counterpoint, I don’t ask this question myself, but people (especially older people) are asking this not to pry or be nosy or make you feel bad, but because they are trying to make conversation with you and are bad at the approach (maybe they don’t have hobbies or don’t read any books). If you don’t want to answer it, then just say, “yes, I have so many boyfriends – too many to keep count” and just change the topic.

      • Basically trash

        I mean, I do have one about swing dancing, but I don’t think that’s relevant to anyone here.

    • Runner 5

      I agree with you. It was when my mum mentioned that the neighbours’ CAT was slimmer than a few months ago that I snapped at her.

    • Lorelai Gilmore

      I love this comment and totally agree with you, BT. My rule is that the only thing you say about people’s bodies is that they look great, and the only thing you say about the food is that it is delicious.

  7. Whee!

    I just have to squee a little and I can’t do it in real life. I just interviewed for my dream job, it went amazingly well and I was unofficially offered the position, to be finalized after the holidays when everyone’s back in the office. It’s a big career step for me, and I’ll be fighting impostor syndrome for the next year, but I am super excited!

  8. PP

    Last minute gift ideas for a 70 year old man (my mom’s boyfriend who I am meeting for the second time)? Nothing too elaborate just something that shows that I am making an effort. $50 budget. Ugh!

    • Senior Attorney

      I was at a party last weekend with a bunch of guys in that approximate age range (okay, younger, but still Baby Boomers), and they did separate gift exchanges for the men and the women. Without question, the hottest items were the alcohol-related items. Ask your mom what booze he likes and get a bottle of the best brand of that kind of booze.

  9. VKD

    Thanks all who gave advice for my AZ trip earlier this year! We went last weekend and had a great time. It was snowing in Sedona so we had to skip, but otherwise got to do everything we wanted. I had no idea how amazing the food scene would be there. Highly recommend Fuego, Rehab Burger Therapy, and Oink (8 types of bacon served as a flight). Taliesin West was neat and Hole in the Rock was a good taste for us non-hikers. And the Nordstrom Clearance Store-amazing! My husband was very patient but I could spend hours more there. Thanks again!

  10. Anon

    Oh my gosh, I just need to put this somewhere.

    My mother has driven me nuts my entire life. She’s nice and well-meaning, but she’s incredibly high strung and often thoughtless.

    Mother is awful with money. Multiple bankruptcies, etc. It’s like she simply doesn’t understand 2 + 2 = 4. She’s 70 now and lives pension check to pension check, often being overdrawn. (This isn’t new; it’s the way I grew up, too.) She lives in a falling down house that I’ve poured $15k into in the last few years because she simply doesn’t have it. I paid $1k for dental work last month because it was an emergency and she doesn’t have that kind of money. I pay for her iPhone and phone bill every month because she wouldn’t have the credit to qualify. Because she has no concept of money, she’s basically oblivious to what this all means. “Saving you from the rain coming in through the holes in the roof” is what it means!

    Well, last night on the phone she said something that I guess just snapped me out of the Good Daughter role. I’m over it. I’ll save her from utter destitution, but I’m simply not saving her from herself anymore.

    I’ve been seeing someone for several months and it’s magical and wonderful and so amazing you never thought something like this could happen. He and I are talking about marriage and children. I had told my mother very little about him until last night when I told her basically everything. You’d expect happiness and excitement, right? Nope. Mother actually said, “Ha, you, having children?! You could handle at most one. You get so stressed out.” And later said, “You know I’m not babysitting them if you have them!”

    Pardon? I get stressed out *because* of her; the rest of my life when I’m not around her I’m a perfectly placid individual. But I can’t believe she said this! Like you were some kind of exemplar, Mom! My entire childhood consists of memories of the electric or telephone being turned off because she spent the money on clothes or decor and her being the most stressed out person on the planet. I’ve felt guilty my entire life, like I was too expensive as a child and I’m the reason she’s not on sound financial footing, but no! She’s in this situation because of herself and her own life decisions.

    And she won’t babysit them?! We’re two busy professionals, and I’ve been paying to keep her house from succumbing to gravity for the last 5 years and her teeth in her head and she can’t be effing bothered to babysit?!

    I’M DONE.

    This post might read as angry, but I’m not. I feel liberated! I’m practically giddy with relief. I’ll still talk to her and such, but she is no longer going to have an outsize role in my life. I’m not responsible for her. I don’t have to save her financially. I don’t have to fix her broken down house. I can make extra student loan payments and not feel guilty. She is simply Not My Problem and it feels amazing to realize that.

    Whew, sorry, just needed to get that out!

    • anonymous

      She sounds self absorbed, which seems really insulting given all you’ve done for her. Way to take care of yourself! All the best with the new guy :)

    • Wildkitten

      Good riddance! Set your boundaries with her and enjoy the romance with him.

    • ArenKay

      Wow. She sounds truly terrible. Good for you for having been so generous for so long, and yes, enjoy some freedom from her. You sure as heck earned it.

    • Anonymous

      I feel you. And I think in the not-so-near future, I may BE you, because my parents are recently divorced and my mother is always crying the blues about one thing or another. (Your father left me here without heat! Well, mom, he left in like June, and you are a grown woman with an RN degree, so, use your problem solving skills here.) Captain Awkward can be helpful for advice on setting boundaries on what you want the relationship to look like and what YOU need. And the /raisedbynarcissists Reddit helps, too.

      My mother also made it clear she wouldn’t babysit if I wanted to continue a career after having children. However, she made this clear when I was around age 12, and always trashed my best friend’s mom for working as a very successful fundraiser because my friend had to go to an after school program so her mom “wasn’t there for her.” Cool, I’ll remember that every time I tell you something about my life or you want a piece of my Christmas bonus, ma.

      • 2 Cents

        Congrats on feeling liberated!!!

        I have an acquaintance who hasn’t realized that her mother sounds very much like yours and isn’t going to change at all. Plus, mom belittles daughter constantly. Mom will never stop spending money because it’s not hers, so she doesn’t care. Cut the $ cord as well (or at least ditch the iPhone and other niceties). Your mom is an adult capable of making her own decisions and figuring out life for herself!

    • Moonstone

      I’m glad you can get some relief from this terrible situation. One practical thing — if you think you will be paying for her phone, I’d recommend getting her a TracFone. I used them for years before getting sucked into the iPhone money pit. A cheap-o phone with a one-time prepaid amount, and you are done. She can buy the refill cards if she wants to.

      • Wildkitten

        If she doesn’t go cray with data it might not cost very much to have her have a phone on the OP family plan. We pay for my mom’s phone on our family plan and it’s pretty easy. (I don’t pay for her house and she hasn’t declared bankruptcy, so OPMMV.)

        • Anon

          OP here. I pay $74 a month for her. $25 for the line, $35 for the iPhone 6 Plus payment plan, and $14 for the “free” tablet they sold her. (“Mom, it’s not free, there’s a monthly line charge.” “I’ll pay you for it!”) I’m definitely stuck in this for another 18 months or so.

          • Meg Murry

            Depending on the provider, it may be worth doing the math on how much it will cost to buy out the contract.$75 x18 months is $1350. So it might be worth the $500 or so early termination fee to buy out the contract and be able to walk away from this. You don’t need credit to get a pay-as-you-go phone, and you could even buy her the minimum every month so she doesn’t lose her number.

      • Anonymous

        +1 – you are not obligated in any way to keep dumping money in to her fancy cell phone (even an old iPhone is pretty fancy when you think about it). A boring phone with enough credit to call you or call in an emergency, etc is totally fine and beggars can’t be choosers.

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          I don’t know about all states, but in my state, social services will hook seniors and low income folks up with subsidized cell phone plans – basically, enough minutes to make phone calls for essentials (calling doctors/service providers/etc., emergencies, so on), but no other services on the phone. It’s not as much fun as an iPhone, but if the issue is “mom needs a phone for emergencies,” it’s perfectly adequate and has the bonus of actually being within your mom’s means.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Welcome to the “Not My Problem!” Club! It’s a really delightful place to be. Membership includes wine, snarky comments, and fuller bank accounts. :-)

    • TXLawyer

      Good for you! And also, this doesn’t sound like a person you want around your future children, anyway, so be glad she’d not gunning to babysit!

      • Anon in SV

        As a mom to a 7m old baby, this was my thought. You don’t want her around your baby anyway. Congratulations on breaking the chains dragging you down.

    • Me too

      She sounds a lot like my MIL. Really self-absorbed and ungrateful, and always been financially provided for by her kids so she doesn’t understand the value of money. After many many years of my husband feeling horrible about his mom (and about the way she made him feel), he cut the cord. He is civil to her and still pays for some things, but she is no longer in our lives on a regular basis. It’s sad in a way (she hasn’t met our youngest and he’s almost 1) but I think for my husband’s well-being it was key.

      Good for you. I am continually shocked by just how ungrateful some people are.

    • anon a mouse

      Clap clap clap!

      Good for you. If you are open to suggestions, it might be kind to set her up with a financial counselor from a local senior center or aging resource so that someone else can deliver the message that she is living beyond her means. But welcome to NotMyProblem Island!

    • lsw

      Good for you! It is really hard to come to that realization, and many people never do. Enjoy your newfound freedom! Next time the guilt train comes around, your station is closed.

  11. Anon for this

    So, I was offered and have accepted a new job with a great organization, more in my area of desired work, starting in mid-January. So excited! That said, telling people at my current job will be tough. I am close to many of them. It is going to be very overwhelming for me to deal with the questions and reactions. I also want people to know sooner rather than later, so I can work with them to transition work effectively. I am thinking of sending a note around today, but is that bad to do right before the holidays? The benefit to me is that I will deal with about half the people today, and the other half in January, so less overwhelming.

    • Anonymous

      Do not send a note! Tell your boss that you quit and are giving xyz notice. Ask who in HR needs to know next. Tell that person. Then tell other people in order of importance.

      You have to just deal with this, not shield yourself by sending a note.

      • Anonymous

        I think as long as you have cleared your boss and HR with proper notice, and your boss has had time to notify anybody else, a note so everybody on your team finds out at the same time is totally fine.

      • Hollis

        Agree with Anonymous. Nobody gives notice as a “note” or e-mail. Pick a day and walk around the offices telling people individually, especially since you are close to them. They are going to appreciate the personal touch. HOWEVER, be aware that by the 2nd or 3rd person you tell, everyone in your office is going to know because word travels that fast.

        Oh and CONGRATS on the new job!!!

  12. Care

    What do you think of the blush color for this dress? I’m tempted. I hardly ever wear pink and never wear it to work, but I’ve been loving blush lately. Would black pumps be too severe with a blush dress?

    Is the 3/4 sleeve only available in the plus size? I only see sleeves to the elbows in the other sizes.

    • Wildkitten

      It looks like only in plus size. I wish they came in talls. 37″ is not work appropriate on this kitten.

    • Terry

      I don’t love black pumps with blush but think it can work if you’re not only wearing blush and black. I’m a obsessed with blush and burgundy which I think is an amazing combination (stole the idea from youlookfab).

  13. Serafina

    I’m ready to replace my 3+year old, very beat up Lo and Sons Brookline with a Dagne Dover tote! But, I can’t decide which one to get:

    I like the dusty rose (purple) but I’m a little worried it will be too pink and girly. Has anyone seen this color in person? I also like the midnight blue (dark blue) but don’t know if it would look good with black. Other colors to consider are the deep burgundy and ivy – those are colors I like a lot normally, although somehow I’m not quite as excited for the bags in those colors (maybe because I have other clothing/accessories in those colors already?) My main neutral is black, though I wear grey and navy quite a bit as well. The coats I mostly wear are black and olive, though I sometimes wear my purple coat or camel coat. What would you do?

    Also – 13-inch or 15-inch? Leaning towards 13-inch because I’m a small, barely-five-two gal, and my current work laptop is pretty small. But sometimes I schlep lunch and a pair of shoes in my bag and need it to fit!

    • DisenchantedinDC

      I ordered the midnight blue on Friday as a raise/promotion/hefty bonus gift to myself (the rest went to debt, but…). I have the same concern about wearing it with black. I am hoping it will be bright enough blue that it looks intentional. I am happy to report back when I have it in!

      I also loved the oxblood, but it and midnight blue were my top two contenders and the midnight blue was 20% off for their gifting sale + the 20% codes floating around on blogs like CapHillStyle stacked on top of it. I think I paid $163 all in for the 13″. I’m not small-framed at all – I’m 5’8″ and have muscles/am generally just not a small person, and when I compared the measurements to current bags I thought the 15″ might just be too huge. I also just looked at the dimensions of my work’s 15″ floater laptop and tried to picture a bag that big. There are some photos online if you Google – I found some on Instagram, youtube, various blogs, and Reddit (women’s fashion maybe?) – for size comparison on different bodies.

    • lawsuited

      I definitely read this as “I’m ready to replace my 3 year old”! I’m sure a lot of parents feel that way….

      • Anon

        I read it that way too! We are finally coming up on age 5 with our youngest and although I would never trade those toddler years, it is a welcome relief to enter an age we can reason with!

  14. Whole Life Challenge

    If anyone is interested in, or already registered in, the Whole Life Challenge that starts on January 16, there’s a team called 2016 January Healthy Hive! Join us!

    • DisenchantedinDC

      Got part way to registering and realized I didn’t have my wallet. Will find it later!

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        They seem to say it’s fine to do your own – the focus appears to be more on “did you workout, y/n” rather than whether you did a specific workout.

      • Whole Life Challenge

        I think their workouts are just to measure your improvement. So, you do one in the beginning and at the end of the 8 weeks to see how you’ve improved

    • Sydney Bristow

      I saw this last night and didn’t get a chance to reply. Thanks for setting it up!

    • New Tampanian

      Do you need to be a cross-fitter? That seems to be who it’s geared towards but I do like that it’s not just a weight loss program.

      • Anonymous

        I’m not a cross fitter, and I’m still doing it! I like that it’s a variety of health aspects, not just food.

  15. Calendar Refill?

    I have had the Kate Spade “Deborah” planner/calendar for years. I like a physical agenda as opposed to only using my phone’s calendar.

    And I love how cute the calendar refills have always been! The agenda itself is black leather, but I loved that inside the pages were secretly fun.

    Kate Spade no longer makes these cute calendar refills. I understand that longtime users like myself are pretty bummed. Last year they didn’t make them at all. This year they are super plain and seemingly not worth the price tag.

    Any suggestions for a cute alternative to the At-a-Glance refills? Looking for 6.75 x 3.75. Thanks!

  16. Gift Help Needed

    We received a package from a relative that we haven’t exchanged gifts with the past few years and I’m stumped on gift ideas. The problem is that she just got married this summer and I don’t know her new husband or stepson well. I would like to do one big “family” gift, if possible, to get around having to figure out individual gifts for them.

    Suggestions for something easy that doesn’t seem generic? They did not register when they got married, so I can’t go look at her registry. The family includes my relative, her new hubs (both in their 50s, merged two well-established households), 10 year old daughter and a 17 year old stepson. Due to our respective holiday schedules, it would have to be mailed.

    • Bewitched

      My sibling just sent our family (similar size and ages) a Williams Sonoma retro popcorn maker, which is the kind which you see at movie theater counters. I’m not a fan (and I think it was expensive) but my kids are pretty thrilled and immediately carted it down to their man cave. Lol.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Board game. We got a personalized Monopoly game as a wedding gift and it’s totally cute. It says “The Bristow Family” in the middle of it and has some of our wedding pictures on it.

      Another game idea is Ticket to Ride. The game is deceptively simple and people at any age can enjoy it.

    • Care

      If they recently merged two households, they don’t need any more house stuff (my family members that did this 8 years ago are still constantly giving away house things). Maybe a local-to-them restaurant gift card for a night out for all four? Pretty holiday flowers? Some kind of food basket (yes its generic, but if you know they’re staying home for the holidays, I think its appreciated)

    • Anon

      Maybe a movie night gift basket or a gift card to the movie theater? Or Harry and David pears and Moose Munch! (Maybe I just like Moose Munch, haha!)

    • Senior Attorney

      If I were in your shoes, I would send a nice thank you note and let it go. I don’t feel like a gift is an invoice for a return gift. If you wouldn’t otherwise send a gift, don’t feel like you have to reciprocate just because she sent you a package.

    • SA

      We just received a box of candied apple balls from edible arrangements. So delicious and if they aren’t impressed they can bring them as a gift over the holidays.

  17. Great Dress

    I have this dress in several colors and I absolutely love it! Can’t recommend it enough.

  18. Anon

    I am spending too much time looking back in my life at what I had bc I haven’t been happy for so long with where I am. How do I snap out of this??

    I’m 35 and single (don’t want to be), lost a job last yr I loved that paid awesome and that I had worked hard for (didn’t make partner in a professional services firm), moved to a new city that is just ok for a job that I didn’t really want to take. I’ve been at said job for close to a yr. And personally while I do have friends, I don’t have that close hive of women that I can lean on anytime anyplace. Rather I have friends that I feel ok reaching out to every few weeks so as not to burden them.

    So I find myself thinking how great I had it in high school – top of the class and good social life, or college -and how it was such an amazing place and I should have found my lifelong friends and a partner or how perfect the last job was – I mean it wasn’t, they sidetracked me despite my hard work.

    How do you move past this type of feeling – I feel like I’ve tried everything – distraction, new hobby, faith (a little bit).

    • Anonymous

      Therapy. When you’ve tried all the self care you can think of, and it hasn’t worked, and you’re stuck in a thought pattern that is hurting you, therapy.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes, this. I can honestly say that therapy helped me make my life so much better that I keep pinching myself to make sure it’s really me. It took a lot of time and hard work but it was so so so worth it!

    • CPA Lady

      That’s a lot of change all at once. If I were you I’d think about what you dislike the most– the job, the city, or the loneliness, and pick something to focus on improving.

      For me personally, I think I could live in a variety of places as long as I had some good friends. I’d probably start looking for another job in your town so you’d be happier there, and I’d join the jr. league to make some buddies. I think that most adults are somewhere between kinda lonely and terribly lonely, and I for one would not at all mind if someone reached out to hang out more often. If there are any of your current friends that you click with more than others, maybe reach out to her more often?

      Do you like your house/apartment? Are there things you could do to make it more cheerful, homey, and inviting? That way when you are at home, it’s in a pleasant environment.

      • Anon

        Good steps. I do LOVE my apartment so I guess that’s the positive. I could stand to decorate it and make it more homey but I like it overall.

    • Anonymous

      No real advice, but I just wanted to send hugs and tell you that I think not having a “close hive of women” that you can lean on for anything is more common than you think. Certainly many people don’t have that super tight group of friends all in the same place that’s depicted in TV shows like SATC.
      And you can’t really compare friendships as an adult to friendships in college. In college, you’re away from your family, you’re living with all your friends, nobody has a full-time job, a spouse, a child, a pet or really any adult responsibilities at all and your life is basically socialization with a little school squeezed in. Of course it’s going to be a blast, and that’s not going to be sustainable as an adult. I’m not trying to minimize the hardship of being single when your friends are coupled up, which I think is a very valid thing to feel sad about, but you should know that a lot of married people look back on college really fondly too and sometimes wish life today were even a fraction as fun.

      • Anon

        Rationally I do get this. I didn’t do a good job making a close group of college friend, but rationally even if I had, I’m not sure it would have helped as I went to a national university and the people I used to be friendly with are literally everywhere and even outside the country, so it’s not like I could just text them to grab dinner anyway.

    • Maddie Ross

      Are you the 2005 grad who didn’t make partner and moved to DC and are now looking for a new gig? I don’t mean to sound stalker-ish, but I am concerned about you. I don’t normally jump on the therapy bandwagon, but I do think that having someone to talk to would be really helpful for you. You sound like a very high achiever who’s been dealt a big blow and I think talking to someone objective would help. Perhaps another person to try and find to speak with would be a career coach. Someone who can help you identify the right path for your next step. Wishing your way back to big law and a partnership position isn’t healthy or going to happen, but that doesn’t mean the next step can’t be great.

        • Maddie Ross

          Got it. Same advice applies really, just was wondering if you were the same person who had posted a couple of times recently. Maybe you all need to schedule a DC meetup (I would, but am more than halfway across the country from there).

          • Anon

            For the folks suggesting therapy, can anyone tell me how I’d even go about that? I’m from a culture where that just isn’t done, and if I were to tell my parents how down I’ve been (they know and sort of gloss over it bc they don’t have anything to say), they’d say – church is what you need not therapy, and then lecture me about my blessings.

            I have thought maybe I need to talk to a professional – an outsider who I can be open w. Given how few friends I have, I’m guarded in how much I share bc I don’t want to be dropped bc they down want a downer.

            But I’m not interested in meds, nor do I want to be in therapy once a wk for yrs. I may just consider speaking to someone once or twice to see if it helps. Would therapists do that? How do I find one? I assume insurance doesn’t cover so how much does this cost in a place like DC?

          • Anonymous

            Some, not all, insurances have mental health benefits. Mine are what I consider to be pretty good at $30 a visit (I live in DC and see a psychiatrist)

          • Anonymous

            Does your employer have an EAP plan? That can be a good way to start if your mindset is that you’re willing to give it a shot for at least one or two sessions.

          • Anonymous

            A) don’t tell your parents

            B) check and see if you have an EAP through work

            C) 1 to 2 sessions is probably unrealistic, but that doesn’t mean the alternative is drugs or years of therapy. 8-12 sessions is probably a good estimate, and it’s fine to tell the therapist exactly what you said here, that you don’t want to do therapy forever, but that you do want help transitioning.

          • 2 Cents

            My parents thought the therapist I so desparately needed to see in grad school was going to poison my head with improper thoughts (you know, like I might actually be entitled to think about myself rather than give, give, give to others all the time to my detriment). I ignored them, and just went. I didn’t tell them anything about the sessions and very little about my overall mood. (I was suffering from GAD / depression.) They even made me feel bad for starting antidepressants, even though without them, I couldn’t get out of bed or last an hour without crying.

            1) Find out if your job has an EAP.
            2) Look up therapists through your health insurance.
            3) Go to Psychology Today, which features listings of area therapists. Read the descriptions and find someone who sounds like a fit for you — or someone you could talk to.
            4) Tell your parents very little.
            5) Embrace your faith, if that’s helpful. Honestly, I stopped going to church for awhile because I felt very angry with God. It took a few years for me to want to go back. If it’s not helpful, it’s not shameful to find fulfillment through other activities in the meantime, like getting yourself better (through exercise, rest, no stress, etc.)

    • espresso bean

      I’m so sorry you feel that way. It sounds like you recognize that this is not a productive thought pattern, which is the first step for getting out of it.

      Some things that helped me when I was feeling this way:

      *realizing that you really can start over whenever, wherever and create wonderful things out of the just okay-ness you have right now.
      *likewise, you never know what those people whose lives seem to be perfect are really dealing with.
      *it all adds up to something. One day isn’t going to make or break your life, but look at patterns. What can you do this day, this week, this month, this year, to make sure things get better?
      *it only takes one (guy, job, whatever) to change everything. It can feel so far away when you’re not in the relationship or job you want. But remember that all the ones you didn’t get/find won’t matter when you find the right fit. You can still keep trying. This is the beginning of the rest of your life (cheesy, but so true).

      Sending warm thoughts your way. Things will get better.

    • Anonymous

      Therapy. A good therapist wants to see you “graduate” from therapy. They want to give you tools so that you can handle your problems on your own. You should go as often as you feel necessary (but start with once/week) and commit to going at least 3x before throwing in the towel. (I really think you should commit to going for 3 months before throwing in the towel, but YMMV.) Best way to find a rec for a therapist: from a friend. If that’s not available, try asking your Primary Care doc. You can also get a list from your insurance, but sometimes those lists are a little out of date and that’s really frustrating. Don’t need to tell anyone you’re in therapy or you’re feeling down — you have a standing weekly appointment and it’s no big deal. It’ll be 45 minutes or an hour each time. Good luck.

    • Wildkitten

      This lady took my insurance, and was all about evaluating our progress and graduating me out of therapy:

      Diane Reis, Licensed Psychologist
      Assistant Clinical Professor of Clinical Psychology/George Washington University
      NW DC Office: 4545 Connecticut Avenue, NW, #417, Washington, DC 20008
      Capitol Hill Office: 50 E Street, SE, #300, Washington, DC 20003
      202-577-8183
      diane.m.reis@gmail.com

  19. Anon

    Kat- I noticed a couple other people have commented on this before- but on my mobile browser, the “Leave a Reply” is autopopulated with the username and email address of another user. Since the email address contains what I assume is her real name this presents quite a problem. Can you please focus on getting this fixed ASAP?

  20. TXLawyer

    Is it just me or do some of us seem a little on edge this morning? The holidays are right around the corner y’all! And if you’re just pushing to get through them, they’re almost behind us! Hope everyone gets a little time off work and treats themselves to end of year self-love, in whatever form that takes!

    • Blonde Lawyer

      It’s not just on here. Some (professional – not family) people in my real life are very snappy today. Is mercury in retrograde or something? I don’t even know what that means but last time someone mentioned a group of people grumpy at work, someone else replied, “well, mercury is in retrograde.” There is a palatable misery going around for some reason.

    • CountC

      I’m snappy because my hormones are raging, customers are out of their got damn minds, fires keep popping up when I need to do other things that have been on my to do list for a while, and I’m annoyed I am driving to my parents house for 24 hours of us staring at each other and reading in separate rooms. I need ALL THE WINES. Calling Shots, Shots, Shots.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Yeah, I suspect a lot of the grumpiness is coming from competing home/work pressures around the holidays. Lots of businesses get busier this time of year and many families expect to be first priority this time of year too. It’s hard enough to find time for everyday life let alone decorating, cooking, shopping, traveling.

        • Anonymous

          Truth! And I am covering for my boss this week, so that adds a layer of frustration as well.

    • SA

      I’m testy because I’m sick. Bored at my new job, and I have my niece’s birthday party tonight when I want to be home in bed and I should be wrapping presents.

  21. Yet another housing question

    How much do you spend on average for you home maintenance and taxes, HOA fees per year when you own the house?
    What compelled you to buy a house vs renting a house?

    Our rent is probably 12% of our take home pay (me and my husband combined).We live a medium cost of living area where we can buy a mid sized house for 300K to 350K and our mortgage will be slightly more than our rent. We want to make a choice between buying a house or investing the down payment money elsewhere for extra income of say $2500 per year. And I don’t want to take up the responsibility of owning a house if there are no financial advantages to it as we like our apartment for now.So your inputs will be very helpful for me to make the decision.

    I was unhappy with annual rent increase and posted about it yesterday afternoon and wrote that I have to seriously think about buying a house mainly to keep put a cap on housing expenses. I got good answers from the ladies here, but wanted to know from more people.

    • KP

      Similar cost of living area (small 3 BR house in an ok area of the city for 350). Mortgage is 15% of our take home pay. No HOA fees, taxes and maintenance of maybe 5k per year (new house so not much maintenance – yet). Utilities and insurance on top of that. Also we are continually buying new furniture, replacing flooring, getting new curtains, etc. so I would say that’s about 3-5k per year of tinkering with the house and constantly improving it. We are new homeowners so I expect this will settle down a little after we have replaced all of our college furniture. Decided to buy vs rent because in our city rental options are few and far between. Not many apartment buildings, more typically houses divided into apartments, and a lot of them are located around the city college which is not where we want to live. Rent prices and home ownership worked out to be similar. HTH.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I think the only useful number you’ll really find here is average home maintenance costs – things like taxes and HOA vary so much by region/community that any “average” you’ll come up with here is likely to be pretty useless. That said, it shouldn’t be all that hard to figure out taxes/HOA in your target communities on your own, since that info is typically included with the listing on sites like Zillow or your local MLS website.

      FWIW, we have a house that’s about 40 years old, and this year, we’ve spent in the ballpark of $5,000 on maintenance. About 75% of that figure was one-time-repair issues, but, of course, there are one-time repair issues every year – it’s just a matter of which things break in which years.

      We bought because our rent was basically the same amount as a mortgage, we were incredibly unhappy with our apartment, my husband had a strong desire to own regardless of the financials of it, and our area’s rental market is inconsistent and overpriced. If we’d been in an apartment or rental that we were happy with, and the rent had only been 12% of our take-home, there’s no question that we’d still be renting and using our funds to generate extra income instead. A house is a terrible money pit.

      • Jax

        My house is 75 years old and I agree that it’s a money pit. We’re still in our starter house 9 years later and now we need to replace the roof and furnace. I know I’ll never get that money back out of it because it’s just basic upkeep, not something impressive like a kitchen remodel, so I’m really not thrilled.

        I read the book I Will Teach You to Be Rich and the author believes in renting rather than buying UNLESS you plan to stay in the house for 10 years. It takes that long to build equity, let your property value rise with time, and offset the loss of closing costs and realtor fees. I’d argue that even in 10 years, you’re going to hit something major that needs fixed (plumbing, windows, concrete work, roof, AC/heat) and needs updated (appliances, flooring, landscaping) so houses are NEVER a good investment.

    • a.k.

      A good rule of thumb for maintenance is 1-2% of the purchase price annually. Closer to 2% if it’s an older home, 1% for a newer or very well-maintained home. Keep in mind that this number will ebb and flow but will average out that way over the long haul — one year we had very few issues but then the next we had maybe 12K in repairs, renovations, tree removal, etc.

      Do not, DO NOT underestimate the time commitment of owning a home. It is so much more than mowing the yard on the weekend. It is taking time off work to be home and meet a plumber and making sure that you are up on things like changing AC filters, yearly service appointments for major systems and the like.

      However, I would caution you also to not look only at the amount you’d save/invest for a down payment as the financial tradeoff. One of the big advantages of owning a home is the ability to leverage a small down payment into equity gains over the long haul, while keeping your monthly payment relatively stable. (Yes, taxes will increase, but your income should also go up over time as well.) The NYT has a pretty good rent-vs-buy calculator to help with parts of the decision.

      And don’t forget the transaction costs of buying and selling. In short, this is a multivariable decision and you need to think about not just what the financial pros/cons are but also what will work for your lifestyle. Don’t buy as a short-term plan – the transaction costs will eat you alive if you sell in 3-5 years. And if you aren’t sure where you want to be in 5 years, then just think of the rent you pay as buying you the freedom to change your mind.

      • Maddie Ross

        The other thing to remember about costs of maintenance is that it that (in my experience) is maintenance only – like the bare minimum to keep the house wind/rain proof and the utilities functional. That cost does not include upgrades or renovations. The costs of maintenance are the unfun things like new roofs and HVACs or tree removal, not new countertops or flooring.

        • the gold digger

          Don’t forget new driveways.

          Or new furnaces. On the coldest day of the year.

          Or flooded basements.

          However – I would still rather pay a mortgage and do maintenance than share walls with people.

    • HSAL

      I live in a low cost of living area and have a condo. Mortgage (taxes included) and HOA fees together are around 18% of total takehome. I bought because I was able to take advantage of the first-time homebuyer credit back in 2009, and I went condo because I didn’t want to deal with the external maintenance. I wanted to upgrade from my one-bedroom apartment, and my total house payments every month are significantly less than renting something comparable. Because it’s a condo my maintenance is minimal, but I still don’t think it’s a financial advantage. Eventually I’m going to need a new water heater or furnace, and stuff like that isn’t cheap. But overall it was worth it for me.

    • House v condo

      I traded in my single family house for a high-rise condo in my HCOL area.

      For an SFR: little costs add up. I bought a flip that still needed a lot of “finishing touches” like window coverings, an extra cabinet in the kitchen, shelving in the garage, landscaping (expensive!), insulation, better lighting, paint, above builder-grade carpet, etc. On average, over 4.5 years, I spent about $1k-$1.2k per month on repairs, maintenance, etc. Don’t forget utilities like water, garbage, and sewer. Those ran me, on average and with gas/electricity, about $225 per month.

      For a condo: the HOA is my biggest expense. I have a no frills building and the HOA is about $400 per month and includes water, gas, sewer, garbage, high speed internet, and a not-extravagant reserves contribution. I spent maybe $200 on replacing light bulbs and filters when I moved in. The only utility I pay is electricity at about $25 per month. I did spend a lot of money on repainting the whole place–but I considered that a non-recurring moving expense. My kitchen faucet (non-catastrophically) broke this week. It looks like it’ll be a free repair (adjusting a valve) or a $20 repair (replacing the valve).

      For me, the biggest reason to buy is to save money on taxes. I live in a state with high income tax so I itemize every year. My annual tax refund is about $5k-$7k higher every year (and yes, I do need to adjust my W2).

      From a purely financial perspective, I wouldn’t buy if (1) rent is less than mortgage and (2) if the mortgage interest and property tax deductions are greater than the standard deduction. Of course, there are non-financial reasons to buy that I won’t go into.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Ugh, my friend is going through this right now, and it makes me really mad on her behalf – is it really *that* hard to stock a few extra sample sizes, or to just go with sizes that will accommodate as many brides as possible?!

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        Also, yes, congratulations! And, if it helps, my friend had a good shopping experience at Alfred Angelo – it’s not supa-fancy-couture, but they had a wide variety of dresses for her to try on and she found a few really strong contenders there!

        • Meg Murry

          We had luck at an Alfred Angelo store as well when bridesmaid dress shopping – they carried the same dress in 3-4 or more sizes, ranging from fairly small to size 20+. And at least on the plus size end of it, the sizes weren’t drastically different from regular clothes sizes. That was at the an actual Alfred Angelo store though – the small bridal boutiques generally didn’t have any larger sizes. Avoid small bridal shops that carry 4-5 or more different designers – they will usually only have one size of each style, whereas a store that carries only 1 or 2 designers tends to have multiple sizes of the same dress.

          +1 to taking a bra that fits well, and wearing Spanx if you are likely to the day of – it makes the dresses lay smoother and gives you a better picture of how they will look. If aren’t a Spanz person though, don’t force it.

          And yay and congrats!

    • Anon for body talk

      It doesn’t help that wedding dresses and bridesmaids dresses don’t even remotely match “normal” sizes to begin with so the whole scale is skewed. I have a large chest but can usually wear a 4-6 in most mall stores, 8 or 10 in high name blazers. I had to order a size 12 bridesmaids dress to accommodate my chest. It is really not that big every where else either. If a size 4/6 has to order a 12 then everyone over a mainstream 10 is going to be pushed into plus sizes. Who is buying these size zero bridesmaids dresses?

      My other rant is they are all made after ordering. If that is the case, why can’t they just make them to custom measurements rather than buying the dress that fits your largest part and then tailoring? It’s not like they are mass produced.

      • Wildkitten

        OMG yes. I’m a size 12 and had to order like a 26, and then had to tailor the f out of it. They just make up these numbers to make brides cry.

    • ITDS

      Are you in DC? Try Cherry Blossom Bridal on Pennsylvania Ave SE. They specialize in plus size. I went to an appointment with a friend who was bracing herself for a humiliating afternoon of nothing fitting, but it was the exact opposite. They had beautiful dresses in plus size samples, prices were reasonable (up to $2500 I think), and it’s a small salon so we had it to ourselves. I would even say try it if you’re within a weekend trip distance of the city and can do the appointment and then enjoy seeing DC.

      • Tetra

        Thanks for the rec! I have seen their website but haven’t made an appointment yet. Will put it on the list.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Just did it last year. Look up the Offbeat Bride post on dress shopping as a plus size woman. I found it very helpful. It was written by one of the regular commenters and had a ton of pictures and very honest discussion about the experience.

      If you’re near a David Bridal, try there. They may not always have the best service, but they do stock sample gowns in larger sizes so you can get a better sense of how they’ll look. Try on styles that you don’t think you’ll like if you aren’t finding anything good. My DB stylist is the one who found my dress. I had skipped over it completely at first.

      Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! That’s the important part so try to keep your head up.

      • Another Plus Size Bride

        +1 to David’s Bridal. I found a dress I loved for $300. I didn’t get attentive service, but I had my mom with me, who’s not afraid to march out into the racks and pull what I wanted. The dress fit me off the rack, and it didn’t matter what the size said inside because it was a great fit (and no one is going to know the size). I’d recommend trying it on with the bra you’ll most likely wear (if you wear one — I didn’t, thanks to the dress design).

        And I know the pain. I had to buy a bridesmaids dress without being able to see it in a size near mine (the sample was a 4? I was a 20. :(

      • Scarlett

        Apparently too, David’s Bridal launched a new campaign with a plus size model for their new collection – looks like some really pretty options.

  23. BankrAtty

    My husband received a wedding invitation from an old friend/roommate last night. The invitation was addresses and directed to him only. I know the groom-to-be–we all went to college together–and, at times, our relationship was rather… rocky. My husband insists that I was left off the invitation as an oversight, and went so far as to text the groom and ask if I was invited. Groom replied “Sure, bring a +1.” Leaving aside for a second that I am a guest’s WIFE, not a plus one, I am uncomfortable showing up at a wedding I wasn’t invited to. Here’s the final wrinkle: the wedding is in Beijing in 2 months. My husband really wants to go, but isn’t willing to go without me. What would you do?

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Suck it up and go. Sure, friend could’ve worded it better, but friend did acknowledge you’re invited so you’re not crashing the wedding at this point, which moots your “but I wasn’t invited” objection, and your husband really wants to go but won’t go without you. This seems like a no-brainer to me.

    • Anonymous

      Go. You were invited, by the groom, it was an oversight. Get over it. They screwed up and then did the right thing.

    • Opal

      Not go. I don’t want to fly halfway around the globe to a wedding I wasn’t invited to. Now, there might (or might not – genuinely have on clue) be cultural/etiquette things here that are why it sounds so casual. But, yea. I would not go and rather spend that money on me/us and do something else.

      • In China

        If they are Chinese and not expats, it honestly might just be a cultural thing. I’m not in Beijing but have lived in China for several years. ALL the Chinese weddings I’ve been to have been incredibly informal with regards to the invitation list. At one wedding, an invited guest also invited his entire extended family (none of whom knew the bride or groom) from his hometown to come along too, without any notice before their arrival at the banquet. I was invited to a wedding recently just three days before the wedding itself. Weddings here are much more casual than western weddings. Enjoy Beijing if you go!

    • Care

      Wow. Normally I would stick with the advice discussed in the thread above and get over it, but either this guy is completely oblivious to who is texting with and/or any details of the wedding or he is incredibly passive-aggressively rude. I’d hope that he is just oblivious and that the groom is trying to stay as much out of wedding-planning as possible and wasn’t thinking when he sent that text.

      Otherwise, someone who is unhappy or rude about a significant other relationship is one thing, but they are no longer a friend (and lose my priority and my $ on gifts and travel) when they are disrespectful of a marriage. I’d plan a separate trip for that week and say you just can’t make it.

    • New Anon

      Aside from the not being invited part and however insulted you felt at not being invited, would you want to go? If not, then tell your husband that (be specific: “The travel would stress me out,” or “It’s a terrible time for me at work,” or “I hate weddings,” or “They’re really all your friends, and it doesn’t sound fun to hang out with just y’all when I’m not close to them,” or whatever) and hope that he takes you seriously enough to go. If it does sound like something you’d like to do aside from the present complications (and it works financially, etcetcetc), then go. Y’all are a social unit, the ask already got made, just go and don’t worry about the etiquette part–it’s too late to not ask, and it’s your husband’s relationship to manage w/r/t manners, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Regardless of whether you go or not – it is a dick move to refer to somebody’s wife as a “+1” like you are some rando.

    • Spirograph

      Go. Unless you have no interest in visiting Beijing, of course (and even then, I would still consider going for the sake of your husband). I assume the wedding will be a limited amount of time compared to the trip overall — I would just consider it a vacation that happens to include a wedding. The couple will be swamped with social obligations, and on the off chance there’s a lingering grudge, it is so unlikely to come out in that situation.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I’d consider going on the trip to Bejing but skip the wedding. Your husband can just say you weren’t feeling well or something. Then you don’t have to worry about being the unwanted guest but can still have the fun international travel experience. One night of room service actually sounds a bit heavenly.

      • Anon

        This is probably what I would do if my husband really wanted to go. No way I would go to the wedding, though.

    • Anonymous

      I would go, but totally agree it is super rude of the groom-to-be to refer to you as a “+1”

    • Anonypotamus

      Is the groom-to-be Chinese? They don’t have the same wedding etiquette there.

      • Bankratty

        Yes, the groom (and bride) are both Chinese. Can you tell me more about how the etiquette is different?

        • Anonypotamus

          Not sure if you’re still checking but: (1) it is probably not a wedding but a wedding banquet you’re being invited to, so there may not be a ceremony, (2) invitations are not necessarily addressed to specific individuals – when I got married in HK, I gave one invitation to my office and anyone who wanted to show up basically did. This works because the guests give $$ to the newlyweds, and most of the restaurants will only charge you by the filled tables (you give an estimate # of tables beforehand). (3) In line with above, there also isn’t really a formal RSVP process. There is some cross over with western traditions depending on how westernized the newlyweds are, but there are just much fewer “rules”.

    • bridget

      Don’t go.

      Just trust me on this: never, ever go to the wedding of someone who actively (or passive-aggressively) disrespects your marriage or serious romantic relationship.

      It isn’t about making a statement; it just plain sucks to sit there in a church or other venue, celebrating the commitment of someone who disses your relationship.

  24. Anon

    What do you all get your nannies for Christmas as far as gift/bonus goes? I paid my nanny for 40 hours this week even though I only had her work for 8 hours since I have the week off and I gave her an additional $100. My nanny is amazing when she’s there but she puts me in tough situations at least 1-2X per month by calling in sick. Last week she called in sick on Tuesday and then on Thursday she got in a car accident that was her fault. I don’t replace her because she’s amazing with my babies and I work her issues into my schedule…which I’m able to do because I work part-time. If she was more reliable I’d be more likely to give her a larger Christmas bonus. Am I wrong to think this way??

    She seemed less than enthused about my Christmas gift/bonus. She got my boys each a huge bag of toys which was totally not necessary and I would really rather she not get them anything. It’s not my business but I’ve gathered that she’s horrible with money and I wish she wouldn’t spend her money on my boys but like I said that’s her business.

    • Anon

      We give a week’s pay as a holiday bonus to our part time nanny. We also pay her every week whether she works or not so she’s getting a two week paid vacation.

    • Anon

      I guess it depends on a few things. Do you pay her market rate or minimum wage? If it’s market rate then your gift is generous, if it’s minimum wage it could seem bad. A car accident regardless of who is “at fault” is not a reason to get mad, calling in sick on the other hand is. Though my employer didn’t give me a holiday bonus, they gave me a turkey and I’m a vegetarian. I’m pretty bitter especially since I’m very generous with holiday tips.

      • Anonymous

        I agree with this. Also have you addresses her calling in sick? Most employers give 5-10 days of personal time/ sick days right? 12 days a year is a /lot/

    • M

      If you’re still reading we did a bit more than 1 wk salary (full time) plus nominal gifts and an extra 7 paid vacation days.
      I totally get you on the gift thing though. Ours not only buys for my kids but for us, my nieces and nephews. I’ve told her it’s unnecessary but she seems to enjoy it. But I really wish she didn’t buy for us because it makes me uncomfortable
      However your comment about her unreliability give me pause. Yes, comfort with kids is a priority but reliability is a big second. If she doesn’t work, I can’t work. Have you started looking for a replacement? Did you address the issue with her? I’m not the best at this, but it’s best to nip any lingering resentment in the bud
      Good luck!

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