This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A friend put these fantastic (and extremely well-priced) slacks on my radar recently, and I don’t know how I’ve missed them until now. They have a slightly-tapered, ankle-length fit that looks both professional and extremely comfortable. I’ll also vouch that they look much more expensive than their $19.99 price tag would suggest.
The pants are $19.99 at H&M and come in sizes 0–26. (Do note that reviews suggest they run a little small.) They also come in black, cream, beige, taupe, and gray.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Sara
Has anyone had a “coasting” year in law and come out OK? I’m a partner at a regional firm, mid 30s, I had a great year last year but am so tired. I am hitting my financial requirement this year so far working 60% my previous year’s hours (not a formal arrangement with the firm, just my data). I always thought I had to keep pushing but if the work stays steady I guess I don’t want to volunteer for new projects outside my practice area or otherwise hit the gas again so soon. I also don’t want to handicap my career by “leaning out” during a crucial stage.
Anon
Yes but I am a partner, so I eat what I kill. I’m just killing less (leaning out + work has slowed).
Anon
I would be concerned about a 40% drop that sustains over a year without any convo UNLESS others are similarly slow. And even then, if you’re not showing initiative by trying to fill your plate or seeking to formalize a PT arrangement (I’d do the first option vs the second), that can be bad if others are slow but visibly hustling (or taking clients out, writing client alerts, etc.). I’d be looking around, TBH and taking people to lunch just to be safe and keep my options open — it’s so much easier to find a job if you have a job.
At a partner level, you can only sink so much before you risk being de-equitized or pushed out. So unlike a partner, they don’t really have the option to rationalize your pay to your hours. You are just underperforming as a FT person and if you want to work PT hours, the consequence is usually the axe.
Cornellian
I think a lot of this is going to depend on demand (and future demand) for your particular practice area. If it’s a boom or bust-type practice, it may be harder to lean out in a countercyclical way.
I’d certainly keep networking and taking people to lunch, but I think consciously having a slower half year isn’t necessarily bad. If you’re feeling burnt out, that will also handicap your career eventually. If you’re going to lean out, I’d make sure you’re consciously making use of your time to replenish yourself so you can come back stronger. I don’t know what that would mean for you, but maybe taking a related class, dialing up your fitness routine, tackling some projects that have been hanging around in the background for a while or investing in your relationships.
Anonymous
Don’t take assignments outside your own practice area. As an associate I would stretch myself, but as a partner (1) I’m concerned about liability because I’m presumed to be the person in charge and knowledgeable, (2) it’s harder from a practical and personal/office politics angle to get someone to “supervise” my work even though I would feel more comfortable with a subject matter expert looking over it, (3) it’s a waste of the client’s money to pay my rate for something I’m not super qualified for, and (4) it’s a waste of my time and emotional energy to do someone else’s work that is not solidly in my wheelhouse when I could be using that time to either develop my own business or take a well deserved break.
When you stop doing other people’s work, your hours are going to drop. That’s a natural progression of a partner’s career and I see it as a feature not a flaw. The idea is you will bring in more work that you can delegate to others so you don’t have to bill 2000 hours a year for your entire career. I don’t think that’s leaning out so much as shifting focus.
This is also the time where your emotional energy becomes more important than your hours billed. You’re going to spend a lot more time on managerial, client development, and BS bureaucratic functions. Idk about you but that ish wears me down, and I have a feeling most people feel the same even if they don’t admit it. Preserve your dealing with BS tolerance for things that serve your career and jettison things that don’t. I stepped away from a practice area I was trying to develop at one point because it didn’t give me enough work for the amount of aggravation it created. I don’t do that work anymore. I refuse to work with some partners because they stealthily cut my rates unless I stay on top of the numbers and call them on it. No it doesn’t take a lot of “time” to figure out when they’re cutting my rates but it creates frustration that I don’t want or need. When you start cutting those energy vampires from your life, you will be much happier and you will have more energy to devote to worthy causes and clients.
Alaska ideas
DH really wants to go to Alaska for our next vacation, which would be at some point in 2025. 2 adults, fairly outdoorsy. Neither of us have ever done a cruise. Open to it but not a must do. He must get a tour of the state capital building, which might not allow the cruise piece. He is an excellent planner but we are open to using some type of travel or tour service. Any recommendations for what to do, where to go, tours to check out? Budget likely up to $4k for everything while we are there (flights we’ll budget separately). We could be there several days but not sure the ideal itinerary!
Anon
It was nearly a decade ago, but we did two weeks in Alaska (one week on land, one week on a cruise) and it remains one of my favorite vacations ever. I’ve never had a trip anywhere in the world that was so rich with wildlife. Personally the cruise was the least exciting part of the trip for me, although the highlight of an Alaska cruise is getting up close to glaciers, and by the time we got on the cruise ship we’d already spent a lot of time looking at glaciers (flight-seeing over them, hiking on them, kayaking to them, etc. ) so if we hadn’t done all that, the cruise might have been more interesting. My top three experiences from the trip were flying to Katmai National Park to see brown bears up close (this is $$$$ though), kayaking to Aialik Glacier in Kenai Fjords National Park (also kind of $$$) and the bus ride into Denali National Park, which is very affordable except for needing to rent a car to get up there.
If you do a cruise, I’d try to find one with two days of scenic glacier cruising. Ours did both Hubbard Glacier and Glacier Bay and although Glacier Bay is more famous, the Hubbard day was much better because we could get closer to the glacier. Weather can really impact things in Alaska, so having two shots at seeing something is a good idea.
Recommend Highly
If you’re really talking outdoors-outdoorsy, my 68 yo father and I went with Alaska Alpine Adventures and it was the trip of a lifetime. We felt so taken care of and it was a trip/itinerary I could have never planned myself.
https://alaskaalpineadventures.com/find-your-trip/
anon
I did a cruise last year because I was burnt out and needed something low effort. It was perfect (for me). A lot of Alaska has to be viewed from the water, or accessed by air or boats, so logistically the cruise made things easy. I liked the naturalist lectures on board, and the Glacier Bay day when park rangers come on the ship to give a full day of narration as we sail through the national park. It’s not for everyone of course, so YMMV. If your ship stops in Juneau, which it likely will, then you can DIY the state capitol tour. It’s within walking distance from the port. I’m not super outdoorsy, but I did do some glacier hiking, jetskiing, and rainforest hiking. The excursions are varied enough that you can find something for everyone.
Anon
All, or almost all, Alaska cruises stop in Juneau and the Capitol is three blocks up the hill from the cruise ship docks. You can easily fit in a Capitol visit on any cruise, even the ones that are only in Juneau for a few hours.
Anon
Edit: assuming you’re in Juneau on a day the Capitol is open. If your husband has a contact who works there, that shouldn’t be an issue. They had gotten rid of Capitol tours with tour guides due to budget cuts, but I’m pretty sure they’ve been operating in the last couple of years. I don’t know the schedule, though. And if the legislature can’t get its poop in a group, they might still be in session anyway!
Pep
If you do decide on a cruise, I highly recommend Princess. They are one of the original companies to start cruising in that state and have a lot of infrastructure/relationships there.
We did a land/sea package where, after the cruise ended, we boarded a train and went to the interior to see Denali, etc. Princess has lodges in the interior which are great. You can do the land portion before or after the cruise.
Anon
Our Alaska cruise was Princess and I recommend them too. They are a smidge nicer than the other mid-range cruise lines (Royal Caribbean, HAL, NCL) in my opinion and as the previous poster said they have a long history in the state. Also if you like chocolate the “Love Boat” flourless chocolate cake that’s always available is really good!
anon
My in laws have done this too and raved about it.
Anonymous
I went there last summer for work (in Anchorage) and we tacked on time before and after. My itinerary is below (it was in a spreadsheet, sorry if formatting gets messed up). I wouldn’t spend so much time in ANC for vacation. We didn’t get to go to Katmai to see the bears but I would absolutely go and stay at the lodge for a few days if you can swing it.
Day Activity Stay In
0 Fly to Juneau
Rental car at airport Pearson’s Pond
1 Juneau same
2 10 am Mendenhall Glacier Ice Adventure Tour same
3 Alaska Seaplane Juneau to Gustavus
Rental car: Bud’s Rent A Car Glacier Bay National Park and Preserve in Gustavus
4 Glacier bay national park same
5 7:30 am Glacier Bay Boat Tour same
6 Alaska seaplane flight Gustavus to Juneau
Alaska airlines Flight Juneau to Anchorage
Rental car at airport Hotel Edgewater
202 5th Ave, Seward, AK
7 9 am Exit Glacier Guides: Ice Hiking same
8 10 am National Park Tour with dinner on Fox Island same
9 drive to ANC Hilton Anchorage
10 Anchorage same
11 Anchorage same
12 drive to Denali Denali tri valley cabins
13 flightseeing same
14 Denali same
15 drive to talkeetna Talkeetna Princess Lodge
16 Flight home from anc
Anon
I’m really curious why he must get a tour of the state capitol building! Is it a really cool building?
Op
He’s touring every state capital building :) he only has 7 left, we’re not sure if we’ll go to Alaska more than once in our lives, so this is a must for him. He is a history buff. I’ve done about 12 tours with him, 6-7 official and guided and the rest self-guided. Not really my thing but happy to support this bucket list item for him.
Anon
It’s not an absolute must for me, but I really enjoy seeing state capitols. It’s interesting to hear what the states emphases in the tours and see how different the buildings can be
PhDlady
A few years ago I applied for US permanent residency under the advanced degree category, I have a PhD in Chemistry, though I now work as a data analyst. The application took time but finally it was approved. Now I face a dilemma, in the time it took to process the application I moved to a European country, and have now been here long enough to be able to apply to stay permanently if I want to i.e. permanent residence and eventually citizenship, partly because I also took the time to learn the local language. I feel torn because in Europe I am 8 hrs away by air from where my home country. Since being here I have gotten to travel home more often. However, the US has more career opportunities in my field. I have a job I like here but currently looking for another because the pay is low. I have moved alot in my career and I am posting here hopefully for some advice. I am mid 40’s single and no kids. My current worries are about retirement, seeing my parents through their sunset years. Still looking for a partner but almost giving up. Being a minority my worry of staying in Europe is maybe career stagnating which of course affects my income and retirement. At the same time being single, I know a move at this age could be really hard emotionally it took me long to get used to the country I live in now I.e. making new friends and feeling settled. Looking for advice, should I stay put in Europe and set roots here and hope that one day if I want to work in the US , a company would be willing to sponsor a work visa? At the time I left I was a fresh PhD graduate so hard to get a job. Or should I uproot myself again and come back in the next year or so? Thanks in advance.
Anon
Did you live in the US during your PhD? Where and how did you like it? Would you want to go back to the same area? Where, geographically, are you career opportunities? How long do you have to decide, and can you start applying for jobs in the US and see how it goes? Do you want to ideally retire in the country where you work or your home country?
Personally, given the political situation here right now, I would not be eager to move here, at least until after the election (and inauguration). It feels too unstable for me. But I also don’t know where you currently are or where you are from.
PhDlady
OP here: Yes I lived in the US during my PhD. I was in a small suburban town in New England. I live close to a much bigger city now so would not want to move back to that area. Also it is an area with limited job opportunities so it would not make sense from that perspective. If I stay in data analytics as a field, the jobs are all across the country.(For now I envision being in this field for at least the next 5 years so long as I keep getting opportunities). I do however have a slight preference for the East Coast because of familiarity, and also ease of travel overseas, closer to big flight hubs. I can extend the validity of my permanent residence by upto 2 years max, minimum a year. There is a process to do this that would be too long to explain here. It would give me time as you suggest to plan and make a definitive decision. Ideally I would like to retire in my home country, the weather is much better than in the Northern hemisphere and cost of living is generally lower, assuming no major health issues because healthcare systems are not as good.
Anon
What is social retirement medical and income like if you stay where you are vs come to the US. If you are mid-40s, that may matter the most. And I don’t think that the EU is generous to people other than permanent residents (I could be wrong). The US has social security totalization agreements with many countries — maybe where you are? I think it’s complicated, but in the US you could be here long enough to make your later years in retirement make sense to be here, especially if you will make more during your remaining working life.
PhDlady
OP here: this is one of the big things I am thinking about. I have good health insurance here, had it from day one since I came as a researcher to work. I will look deeper into retirement benefits, I am in France where there’s been reforms. My current employer also offers some retirement match in a separate account, I think similar to a 401K. But of course for retirement income matters alot.
Anonymous
Health insurance for the elderly is a big deal in retirement. In your case I would think about where you want to retire when you think about where you want to work. My US-citizen family member moved to France in his mid-20s. He loved it and never left! Fast forward 50 years and he had a debilitating stroke. We were unable to bring him back to the US because he was ineligible for Medicare (health insurance for people 65+) because he did not have a 10 year work history in the US. I don’t think your PhD time as a TA or research assistant will count toward Medicare eligibility (but am not 100% sure). My former boss (German citizen who came to the US in his early 20s) is in a similar bind.
Anonymous
If you can, I would obtain EU citizenship. That gives you a significant amount of opportunities.
As an alternative path – have you considered Quebec? If you have French language ability, it’s much easier to get approved for immigration to Quebec than to the rest of Canada. Canadian social safety net is better than US but not as good as Europe (broadly speaking).
Between France and the US I think you are right that you may stagnant due to racism in France but don’t underestimate the social costs of living in US. Health costs in US, even with insurance, can be astronomical.
anon
+1 for consider Canada, as a Canadian in the US.
PhDlady
OP here: Thanks for this advice. I am now fluent in French. I do know from a friend who tried to get permanent residence in Quebec that the point system can penalise those who are older I.e older than 35. It can be tough to get through. If I do choose to try and move to Canada it would be after getting EU citizenship. Right now actually the choice I have is whether to apply for citizenship in France, which is a lengthy process or move back to the US. If I am able to get a better paying job in France, I would likely stay here. I know things like health insurance cost way more in the US.
Anonymous
I feel like French citizens might have flexibility re working in Quebec? I’ll see if I can find a reference for that. Just to help you keep your options open down the road.
Anon
Counterpoint: insurance is often thrown in with white collar employment in the US or is highly subsidized. It’s only spouse and dependent coverage that is unsubsidized / pricey.
Anonymous
Still have crazy high deductibles. And in network/out of network issues.
In the last week, DH had a PET scan, oldest kid has a respiratory therapy assessment and I had an orthopedic consult for foot surgery with an orthopedic surgery and my weekly pollen allergy shot with my allergist. Total cost was less than $50 for parking during all three appointments (Allergist has free parking). If you are low income, you can get a parking card from the hospital for free parking.
Jelly
Am not sure of all the ramifications, but at least some countries limit the number of citizenships one can hold to 2!
Anon
Other than cultural issues, I think comes down to the economics of a move.
– In the US, you won’t have had time to pay into Social Security for the maximum benefit, so you’ll need to save heavily for your own retirement, and healthcare is costly and complicated. But would a higher salary compensate for that?
– In France, you have a lower salary (for now or for life?), but you have a social safety net that the US simply doesn’t have.
anon
+1 To this excellent summary, I’d add, what happens if OP is unable to work due to disability earlier than retirement age or needs additional care (assisted living, home help, or nursing care) in retirement?
The US social safety net for these kinds of things is really, really meager. Without significant family help or extremely high savings, people in these circumstances have it very hard in the US.
Anon
You only need to work for 10 years to qualify for Social security, so she has more than enough time to do that and got the max benefits for her salary.
Anon
Does this need to be continously, or can you work 5 years, leave, then come back and work 5 years to qualify?
Anon
I think it’s total — my sister took time off to raise kids and post-divorce is working to firm up her 10 years.
Anon
Personally, I would stay where you are. I’ve always prioritized my own sense of place and community over a theoretical job opportunity. Also, at 45, I kind of think you need to settle down and pick a path if you ever want to retire. You can’t keep starting over. It’s also a tough road to get a company to sponsor you and that also doesn’t make you immune from layoffs. If you can work in France without any obstacles like that, stay put, see if you can get promoted where you are, settle in and enjoy your life there.
Anon
I’d go back to the US where the opportunities and money are, stay long enough for naturalization and then return to Europe if I still had the desire. H1b visas are so difficulty to obtain.
A
I would NOT come to the US if I were in Europe right now — gun control alone is reason to stay.
Anon
I’m a EU citizen who came to the US for college and stayed for grad school and beyond. I’m around the same age, and beginning to realize that whether I like it or not I’m invested in the retirement/Medicare options here, because I’ve been paying into the system and never worked in my country of origin. It’s not something I ever gave any thought to in my twenties or thirties, but as the political situation here is evolving in ways I didn’t anticipate, it’s making me very nervous. YMMV, of course. You seem to be more focused on job opportunities than politics, and of course France is changing as well in this new global context, so your calculus may be different.
Best wishes for finding the right path for you!
PhDlady
OP here: I can relate to what you are saying. I left my country of origin many years ago after working for a short time. I don’t have enough there to retire on hence the anxiety about job opportunities and income. I am fortunate already to be working in Europe, I come from a country where many would want the opportunities I have. The questions I asked is partly to be sure I am making well informed decisions and not to squander the opportunities I have. The politics are important too but I asked about the issues that are foremost on my mind right now.
anony
In addition to the excellent points above, I would consider how much caregiving you will need to be responsible for with your aging parents and what the vacation/norms are around that issue in your industry for each country. Would you want to have your parent(s) stay for extended periods of time or live in your country? How feasible would that be?. Do you have siblings in home country that could manage elder care issues? I’m a bit older than you but these issues have become front and center for me recently.
PhDlady
OP here: I have siblings in my home country but I am the eldest. Lately I have been the one taking the lead in asking them to ensure that our parents see a doctor for medical checkups etc. I would like my parents to visit for long periods but realistically that would be a month or two per year. One issue is weather, its just better where they are, not too cold neither too hot. Regular vacation allocation is better in France than the US. Another thing I am considering because I do like to visit each year. But for longer care giving breaks I do not know, and those can be complicated. For example, The company I work for allows long breaks without pay for parents with young kids. If something similar was granted for another family member I would need substantial savings to not work for a lengthy period of time.
Housing Costs
I could use another opinion on housing in a MCOL area. DH and I are mid 30s with about 600k in savings and another 600k in investments. We bought our current home for 575k and it’s worth about 850k, so when we sell we expect to get about 350k after fees, etc. DH and I agree we are ready to move away from our current neighborhood, but not if it means we have to downgrade. I want to build something comparable to our current home, which would be $1.1m in the new location (we would mortgage 400k, like we have now, just with a higher interest rate). His preference is to spend 700k only and have no mortgage payment, but he recognizes that anything we could buy at that price in the new location would be a downgrade. We make about 350k combined and we both work from home. We do not have or want kids, and we don’t like to travel. Is it too risky to put so much cash into a house at this stage in life?
Anonymous
I’m sorry no. Y’all are rich, you don’t have money problems, he’s being weirdly anxious and probably hitting the podcasts too hard. Oh nooooo do we pay all cash or take out a small mortgage?!?! Humble. Bragging.
Anon
Truth.
OP
Ha! This made me chuckle because I’m the one that follows Dave Ramsey and reads Bogleheads. But really not trying to humble brag; we both had difficult childhoods and have weird issues with money. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this with in real life for fear of this type of response.
Anon
I don’t think your plan is risky AT ALL. Limiting yourself to a house you can buy for cash, when you make $350K a year, seems overly conservative.
Anon
What are the reasons to sell and move? You and your husband seem to have different views on the numbers: he wants to move without any additional financial commitment and you want more house than you have now. You are plenty young enough to sell and move, but you need to be clear on why you would sell, what the move is intended to accomplish, and the financial costs to achieve those goals. If you go into housebuilding without total buy-in on his part, things are likely to get very ugly when construction problems and delays and cost overruns occur. And these will occur.
OP
Thanks! We built the house we live in now so understand the challenges. The reason for wanting to move is that we live in a densely populated suburban area with a lot of people, noise, and activity. It was fun when we were in our twenties but we are now old and curmudgeonly and we would like to move somewhere quieter.
Anon
Just know that when you move somewhere quieter, the town often spreads to where you’ve moved.
JD
Also towns have regulations. If you really want to live in the country, there is much less regulation generally. If your neighbor puts in animals you don’t like, throws crazy meth parties or parks a truck by your property line, you may have to live with it even more than in the city. Also, do you really enjoy property maintenance? My parents took on 1 and 5 acre lots at different times. It took a lot of time to maintain and ended being too much in their retirement (early 70s). They’re back in a suburb with a small lot and near healthcare. You may be much younger, but if you don’t like intense yard work, it’s a factor.
anon
If he recognises the $700k house is a downgrade and he agrees he doesn’t want to downgrade then what’s his alternative? Has he got another location in mind where $700k buys something comparable to what you have now? Otherwise I don’t think that’s too risky given it’s the same mortgage you have now, assuming you’re both happy enough in your careers; wanting to be mortgage-free in your mid-thirties sounds FIRE-adjacent but I wouldn’t prioritise it if you’re fine to keep working.
anon
You can afford either option and have the privilege of deciding how much you want to spend on a house. No shame in that. I’ve said this before, you need to move from the arbitrary number to actual houses. You need to look at actual houses in that area that are 700k, and decide if those compromises are what you can live with. The million dollar marker is a real psychological one, but when you have concrete things like – if we spend the extra money we can have a bigger yard, second office, etc. – it makes it a more productive discussion. Co-signed, the person whose husband picked houses exactly in her budget to prove a point on the need for a bigger budget.
anonshmanon
lol, smart husband! This advice seems very practical to me!
Anon
I don’t think this is too risky. DH and I together earn a similar amount in an HCOL area, and have a higher mortgage and higher price home. Personally, I would not want to downgrade. Especially since you both work from home, I think it’s worthwhile to put more money into the place where you spend the vast majority of your time.
Anonymous
Is it the high mortgage rates giving him pause? Would he be open to (if in a few years they go down) to getting a reverse mortgage should you need the cash?
It sounds like you’re ok either way – $600k is too much to keep in savings though!! Were you saving for something specific?
OP
Yes, a house! Which is what makes this even funnier I think.
pink nails
Our numbers are about half of yours (low cost of living area though) however very similar life/house situation. We built a few years ago and did your version – spent a lot to get exactly what we wanted. Here’s what helped guide our decision to spend more to get exactly what we wanted:
-we want to be in this house forever
-did not want to do continual house projects – so we really resisted the “lets just put in good enough for now and we’ll just update that later” in all the hard finishes in the main home. Yes that meant we spent more during construction, but now we love it and don’t want to change it. (We did loose decision making steam when it came to the basement and the outdoor areas; we just didn’t know what we wanted so we put those off.)
-we went with a 15 year mortgage.
I know the economic math advice is to not do the short mortgages with low interest rates however this just works really well for us. My husband really wants to retire at 55 (he’s in the skilled trades and his job can be both manual and high stress) and having the house that we want to stay in forever paid off before that point, with no desire to own a second home, is really helpful in our numbers for that.
Anon
Those untied shoes are sending me.
Anonymous
I was coming here to say that the model is going to trip.
Lexi
Same!
Anonymous
I had to double check the date to make sure it wasn’t April already!
NY CPA
What in the world is that styling and how do they think pairing them with untied shoes makes people want to buy the pants?
Greensleeves
Yes, that styling is baffling!
Anon
Agreed — it is a rainy day here. Mucky wet dirty laces on clean white sneakers? I feel like all fashion sneakers (and maybe functional ones) should have those bungie laces that you get for kids who can’t yet tie their shoes. Or velcro.
Anon
I hate black on black styling too because I can’t see the pants well enough.
I wear a lot of black but when I look at clothes online I always look at different colors so I can actually see the details
Anon
My best guess is that they’re just trying to grab eyes (like if someone is mindlessly scrolling)
VVex
I realized a few days ago that I’ve completely updated my pants and jeans over the past year or so. I purged several pairs of tapered, ankle-length or slightly cropped (I have a long inseam) pairs similar to this. They just don’t feel current anymore. If they were full length, I’d consider them classic for the office, but not at this shorter length.
I’m wearing pants much more often–almost exclusively–for work now, and I want looser straight or wide-leg cuts and for the most part full-length.
anon
I am so happy to be able to find full length pants again. Ankle pants were never it for me.
Anonymous
Same. Ankle pants make me look like I’m 10 and hit a growth spurt.
Anon
I have long legs. When ankle pants are trending it’s a little bit easier for me because I don’t have to struggle so much to find pants that are full length on me – if I wear regular length pants and they look ankle length, it usually reads ok.
However, ankle pants in standard length are several inches above my ankle, and that definitely gives me the “she outgrew her pants” look.
Anon
As a petite I love cropped pants because they’re normal length on me! As a pear, slightly cropped (on me) kick flare pants are my favorites because I feel like they balance out my hips!
In general, it’s so hard to find petite curvy fit pants so when I find ones that fit my height and my hips (without being way too big around the waist), I celebrate
So-So Charlotte
Same! I am really enjoying wide leg pants. For the first time in five years I’m in a job that doesn’t require me to climb into/over things, so I’m enjoying getting to play with clothes again.
anon
Now, if only jeans with finished hems could fully come back.
Anon
I ran to the mall this week for an emergency shopping trip for an unplanned work event, and I was surprised by the retailers that had primarily skinny and cropped pants still (J.Jill) and the retailers that got it right with full length trousers (Talbots’ Hampshire pant). Anything skinny – jeans or work – looks outdated to me now.
Anon
I can’t stand skinny anymore either! It looks so dated now but also my lower legs have gotten used to other styles and skinny pants (but not leggings!) feel constricting to me
Anon
Our lawn and garden always look terrible compared to our neighbors. Weeds, crabgrass, bare spots where things need to be planted, overgrown shrubs, etc. Unfortunately landscaping probably isn’t in our budget this year. What can I do now to get our lawn and garden in better shape before the season starts? Picking out plants, weeding, watering, etc always seems so overwhelming to me. Green thumbs, what’s your secret?
Grassy
Pay a lawn service to treat it. I think we pay $40 a month or something only during the warm half of the year. It makes a world of difference and all our neighbors have started doing the same because our lawn looks so good. We put in no additional effort except cutting it every couple of weeks.
anon
Gotta get the weeds under control first. Would you be willing to hire a lawn service for at least a year to get things back in shape? I’m not talking a full blown landscaper; I mean the people who come 3-4 times a growing season to apply fertilizer, grub control, etc. For the bare spots, you can plant grass seed any time this spring, really. Then, this fall, plan to overseed your lawn to make it thicker and better at choking out the weeds.
Pruning shrubs can be time consuming, but it’s not hard. Remove the dead branches first, then go to work on trimming and reshaping. There are tutorials galore if you want to see it in action.
anon
Also, how is your mulch situation? If you’re not sure how you want to fill the bare spots and it’s not part of your lawn, mulch it for now while you decide. It will at least help with weed control.
Anonymous
There is no secret it’s doing the work.
anon
I select plants that thrive with minimal attention (after getting established) in my region. Maybe watering once a month during dry spells or some homemade compost sometimes (easy, so beneficial, and way cheaper than store bought) and pruning 2x a year, but that’s it.
No lawn. I’m in a drought-prone area, so it doesn’t make sense to have a lawn that requires so much water regularly.
If you post your region, you might get specific advice on plants or local resources.
anon
You can start with trimming the overgrown shrubs. They don’t have to be perfectly shaped, just trim enough so they look even on most sides.
For weeds in the mulch bed you don’t have to pull up everything. You can use something like Round Up. Just don’t get it on your lawn. Once the weeds are done, you can put down a layer of mulch. I prefer the dark colored mulch.
My husband does most of the lawn care and he uses Scott’s 4 step system every year. For weeds in the grass, you can use Weed-B-Gone. I would also suggest keeping a product like GrubEx on hand. Grubs can burrow in the yard and be very destructive.
We don’t water shrubs/bushes. The only time we did that was after they were first planted. I only water flowers that I’ve put into planters.
You could get an estimate from a landscaping company to see if they can help with part of the work. We’ve been doing our own mulching for the 20 years we have owned homes, but got a professional to do it last year. They used high quality mulch that’s lasted the whole season and we will probably just need minimal maintenance this year.
Anonymous
My husband got bids for professional mulching last year and it was insanely expensive. Thousands and thousands of dollars for 10-15 yards of mulch on a small lot. He hired the cheapest one. It still cost a fortune and actually made our yard look worse because they used playground wood chips instead of mulch, didn’t spread it thickly enough, and didn’t edge well. I was not happy when I arrived home and found that my husband hadn’t sent them away when he saw the truck with the wood chips when he had specified mulch. We will be DIYing this year with proper double-shredded mulch.
anonshmanon
Wood chips are a common form of mulch though.
Anonymous
We ordered double-shredded.
Anon
I used to have a pretty big yard and boy did I hate taking care of it. One thing that helped was paying for a “spring cleanup.” It was a few hundred bucks and made the remaining work a little less daunting.
Another thing – keep your expectations low. Maybe this year all you do is treat the lawn. Next year you’ll plant some easy-to-care-for shrubs. Etc.
Anon
Mow or weed whack to keep any weeds level with the rest of the lawn.
Do you want a sterile lawn or do you like bumblebees and lightening bugs? My neighbor’s lawn is clovered over with clover and violets, and I honestly think it looks better than the people whose grass is designed to be nothing but grass, but they skipped a season of weed control.
Anonymous
Where we live there is no way to have a nice lawn without sprinklers, which we don’t have. Mowing frequently to keep the weeds and grass at the same level helps. Edging and mulching your beds also goes a long way towards making things look neat without nice grass. And don’t plant a lot of messy stuff in your beds. If your lawn is bad and you don’t have a fancy professionally designed landscape, a lot of stuff will just look sloppy. Go for compact, generic-looking plants and don’t put them too close together if you want a tidy look.
Anonymous
I mean when you say it’s not in the budget what does that mean exactly? We’re on 1.5 acres but a lot of that is wooded; we probably have a little under an acre of yard to maintain. It’s something like $50/cut from a big local service; it would be $100 from a smaller service. Spring cleanup is like $300, which removes leaves, dead plants that I let sit over the winter to protect the pollinators, weeds. It’s about $250 for leaf removal in the fall. We have a lot of weeds in our grass but I’m loathe to treat them because I love all the pretty white and purple and yellow “flowers” (I know they’re weeds but still) all over the lawn. This time of year we have some brown and bald looking patches but it looks lush when it grows in by about mid spring. I’ve gotten quotes from lawn treatment services that range about $200 per quarter for pest control, aeration, and I’m not really sure what else. I have a separate pest control service to spray around the house and for mosquito control.
We use stone not mulch in our flower beds because I can’t be bothered to replace the mulch every year. We have big hard plastic flower pots that we dug into the ground, fill with top soil (add more plant food every month or so during growing season, replace the top soil every few years), and plopped in a bunch of different bulbs that bloom from spring to fall. There’s always something coming up. The stone goes around the pots not in them. This is my first SFH and so far it’s been an adventure but not a huge lift!
Anon
Weed and put down a bunch of mulch everywhere you don’t have lawn.
Anon
The trick with mulch, by the way, is to spread it thickly. Not a mere sprinkle. You want it to basically have layers, not a single layer.
Anon
Please be thoughtful about the measures you take on your lawn. The standard to aim for shouldn’t require you to pour chemicals onto the ground. Weeds are not always objectively bad and using herbicides to keep them under control does have impact on your local environment. Same with pesticides for insects. Think also about using native plants, which when selected correctly do not require as much maintenance.
And please also consider whether that great ground cover (English ivy, vinca, euonymus) in your local garden center actually an invasive species according to your state.
My neighbors’ lawns look photo perfect, but might as well be well-watered astroturf.
Anonymous
Plant native wildflowers.
Anonymous
Sheet mulch and plant clover or creeping thyme. It will cost some money but the nice thing about those lawns is they only need cutting once or twice a year. Or you can plant wildflowers if that is your style. You can replace the shrubs with something like azaleas or hydrangeas or something native to your area that doesn’t have to be maintained. I wouldn’t keep shrubs or plant shrubs that require maintenance if you’re concerned about them being overgrown. Native plants typically adjust for the climate.
Can’t even
Put a sign in your yard about how you’re helping local pollinators.
Done.
Well you still have to mow
Anon
Has anyone used a bedwetting alarm with an older child? (DD is 12). Curious as to any recommendations on brand or model of alarm and how the training experience went? (Not posting on the Mom’s page since DD is a little older than the average for that page, I think.)
Chl
We used the therapee (just the device not the app) for my boys when they were around 8. They just slept too deeply and always wet the bed. It took about a month but it worked and they’ve been fine ever since.
Anonymous
We used one with an 8 year old and it worked in a few nights. (my child had outgrown all the youth diapers and was too heavy for us to take to the bathroom in the middle of the night any longer, but too small for adult diapers). I’m sure you’ve done this, but please work with a specialist if your child is still wetting at this age. We were near CHOP at the time, and they had a phenomenal bed wetting department that was tied in to their GI department (which was the root of the bed wetting). My child also did physical therapy for the wetting – there was biofeedback and a whole bunch of exercises.
Anon
OP here. Yup, been under care of urologist and GI for years. Urologist recommended an alarm but had no recommendations on a particular model or brand.
Anon
Also did PT.
Anon
We did a widely available one and it quicky made a world of difference. Just call and ask yours. This wasn’t recent enough for me to remember but it was such a game-changer and we had tried everything else.
Anon
Adding: I don’t think there is much magic as to what to pick as long as it will wake either you and/or the kid up. We had two alerts — one on kid’s bed and one under my pillow. The first few times I had to swoop in and get kid on the potty, then help kiddo change out of damp clothes, but after a few weeks I could put it away. It helped kiddo stop as they started to pee and eventually recognize to get up and go before starting to pee in the ped.
Anonymous
Oh boy. I’m so sorry. (same anon as at 9:51 above!) I don’t remember what brand we used, as it was 6 years ago. We were happy to throw it away!. I will say that it didn’t actually wake my child all the way up – it woke us up and got them out of the deep sleep so we could finish waking them up (which SUCKED). But it did work in the end. We’ve had quite a bit of luck with cutting out gluten, which also sucks, but has cleared up all of the GI issues to the point that our doctor is starting to talk about cutting back on the laxatives that my kid has been on for 11 (!) years. Feel free to post a burner if you want to talk more.
Anon
You’d still get recs on the mom’s page. Lots of old timers whose kids are growing up
Anon
Could you at least start on the mom’s page?
Anonymous Canadian
Are there no moms here? I never mind seeing questions from moms even though I have no kids at home. I’m never on that page for that reason. I’d ask you instead if you can’t help or say something encouraging, could you at least just scroll on by? This is an exhausting issue for many women and many of us are at the end of our ropes going through this.
To answer you question, OP, we tried it and it was a big fail. Would wake us up, halfway wake up kiddo, not always in time to get him up and then we’d end up with wet sheets anyway. In the end I think waiting it out would have been preferable even though it seemed endless at the time. I did find that if I put an extra mattress cover and sheet so I could just strip those off and be left with a dry set underneath, I felt much less defeated in the moment.
Medication didn’t work either, only time for our guy. It did make for some tricky sports trips but overnight in the room with teammates came just at the tail end of him wetting so we survived that somehow.
Hang in there, Mom.
Anon
OP here. How old was your kiddo when he outgrew? My kiddo hasn’t had a dry night in her life. She needs to be dry before she starts to menstruate.
Anonymous Canadian
He was almost 13 and it was basically overnight, basically coinciding with the onset of puberty for him. It felt like a miracle at the time. We tried the alarm when he was maybe about 10 but it wasn’t much help. My husband is a family physician and he has had good luck with it for lots of his “older” (8-12 years) patients, so we had great hopes. Hopefully it will be the magic bullet for your girlie. Either way just remember you are a fabulous mother and you’ll find a way to help her manage this <3.
Can’t even
I don’t have 600k in cash and I’ve never considered building my house but that was an interesting thread
LawDawg
Used an alarm and it worked wonders. I can’t remember how old he was (25 now), but it was old enough to understand. We just picked a random one. As long as it makes noise and wakes him, that’s all you need.
Anon
We used Therapee for a 10 year old, and it worked in less than a week. We consulted with medical professionals, etc, but it turns out he is indeed just an extremely deep sleeper that need an loud alarm to get his body to realize that he needed to wake up to pee.
Anon
We did and it worked. It was quite “alarming” the first few times it went off in the middle of the night, but that’s the point. It wakes up the sound sleeper so they can get to the bathroom.
ArenKay
We used Wetstop; it got the job done. Our kid was motivated—sleepovers were anxiety-provoking. Instructions recommended we “demo” w/kid during the day, which was smart. They know what sound is and will freak out less when it goes off. Also took about a month, totally worth it.
Anon
I need to pick up my teen at 10 pm tonight and drive her for 3 and a half hours in the middle of the night because I need to take her to a competition in another part of the state by 7 am tomorrow. Normally I’m not worried about driving at night but the length of this trip is making me nervous. Any tips, advice or suggestions? She’ll probably fall asleep in the car so I’m most worried that I’ll be lonely or tired or both.
Anonymous
Why. Is this competition or whatever she is doing until 10 pm actually more important than safety?
Anon
I’m also curious why the drive can’t begin until 10pm. Until there’s an absolutely essential reason for her attend something all night tonight, I’d tell her life is about making choices, and you’re leaving by 8pm.
Anon
+1
Anon
Agree with this.
anon as well
+1
NYCer
+4.
OP
OP here – my teen’s school varsity sports team game starts at 8 p.m. and is an away game and we are going directly from there. Her team needs her to play. The morning thing is an academic competition, but is the “state” level competition, so her team needs her there also.
Anonymous
Neither team needs her there these are both optional. Idk being dead seems worse than missing either? Make her pick one. Your responsibility to keep your kid safe doesn’t end just because they’re older.
anon as well
I’m sorry if this is too blunt, but you may consider this a teaching opportunity in how to prioritize. Just because both the things is theoretically physically possible doesn’t make it necessary or prudent to do it.
I think state level academic competition warrants a good night’s sleep so she can perform her best. A varsity sports game isn’t worth the safety risk of driving that late at night. It’s a good opportunity for her to learn to prioritize and that she can’t do everything she wants to do/others want her to do.
Anonymous
I have a high school student who does multiple activities and I’d make her pick one or the other. No way is she going to do well at the academic competition with an overnight drive, even if she sleeps. One coach might be disappointed, but those are the breaks when you choose to do multiple activities.
No one is truly irreplaceable in these competitions. My daughter was convinced that there would be a total disaster if anyone missed a show choir competition. Her partner didn’t show up, she danced without a partner, and the world did not end. The sports coach can sub in someone else. If it’s a relay team maybe they just don’t win if they have to put in someone slower. The academic team coach can find a way to deal. Maybe they have to forfeit a debate or compete in the quiz bowl down a man. Kids get sick and have conflicts all the time and the coaches have seen it all before. They will try to convince you to move heaven and earth to be in two places at once but if you put your foot down as the parent they will back down. If they don’t, then they don’t have the kids’ best interests at heart and you probably don’t want your kid on that team anyway.
Anon
Can she play for part of the game? Even leaving at 9:15 makes this much more doable and enables her to get some good sleep before the competition.
Anon
I’m intrigued if anyone here commenting played high school sports? But as a three sport athlete, who was also involved in other extracurricular activities, opting out of something was absolutely not a choice. If you miss a game or something, you are cut from the team.
Anon
Hard disagree on the “pick one” people. Part of setting a kid up for success is learning to do two high intensity activities back to back. There’s a time and place for self care and relaxing but it’s not before you’ve been successful. Doing multiple high intensity activities takes drive and ambition and OP is right to support not squash that.
Anonymous
Anon at 1:49: Really, children don’t deserve to take care of themselves until they’re successful? This is wrong on so many levels.
Housecounsel
I feel like people who say this is unreasonable don’t have kids in travel sports. When your kid is the setter or the quarterback you can’t just leave the team high and dry for a non-essential reason. It’s also a good life lesson that you don’t let down your teammates.
Anon
Yea I simply wouldn’t do this. If I had to be somewhere 3.5 hours away at 7am I’d get a cheap hotel room.
OP
The problem is that teen and I are both night owls. We can stay up until 2 or 3 a.m. but have trouble getting up early in the morning.
Anon
Not exactly the same thing, but we had to suddenly abandon a family vacation and drive back home 12 hours due to a mini Covid outbreak in our family. We started the drive at around noon, putting us home past 2 am. It really helped to just lean into caffeine, even way past bedtime. Neither of us had trouble falling asleep once we finally got home. That plus audiobook plus not being too warm helped a lot.
anon
I have to be honest. I would not engage in this transportation plan for any teen activity. This sounds nuts! Sleep is more important and so is safety.
anon
Stop every 90 minutes to two hours. Walk around outside. Stay hydrated (will make the stopping inevitable). Drink some coffee, but only a cup. Make a plan for who you can call to talk to if you need to. Great time to catch up with friends in a different time zone. Turn on all the lane assist and other backseat driving features you might have turned off in your car. And, finally, don’t stress. It’s going to be rough but you will be at your destination by 2am. A bit late, but not an overnight haul.
Anon
Hydrate, starting now and continuing until you arrive.
Bring melatonin for the hotel.
Consider a nap after work.
Buy apples and eat them on the road.
After about 9 pm, I find that black tea works well for caffeine intake for those drives. Starbucks London Fog is perfect, IMHO.
So-So Charlotte
I’ve done drives like this (Midwest) and they’re annoying but doable. Take a nap this afternoon, and if you’re drowsy on the drive find a bright, busy rest stop and take a 30-minute rest.
Anonymous
Take a break every hour and walk around a bit.
pink nails
I think this is doable for sure. Perhaps not even super unpleasant, since the roads should be pretty empty.
Water plus whatever your favorite nonalcoholic beverage is. Make sure you have a lot of good things to drink – enough that you’re drinking enough that you have to stop and use the bathroom at least once or twice.
Healthy snacks, like nuts (I would do shelled pistachios) and apples.
Find an awesome Spotify list, line up some podcasts, and download an audiobook. Personally I would end up flipping between the three every hour or so since 3.5 hours of one would make me bored.
Also, props to all the parents of active children. I think you’re amazing and as a happily child-free person, I kind of don’t understand the time sacrifice but respect.
Anon
I know this seems extreme, but I am writing in in solidarity as a parent. After seeing my kids wither during the year and a half that our schools were closed (or mainly closed — 2 days a week for a semester), I am now happy to drive my kids to things that they come alive in. This weekend, I will be driving them to scout camping in the cold and rain and staying with them as an adult group helper / chaperone (all while sober — no adult beverages on kid trips unless it’s family and friends only). I get it.
Hmm
Just curious, but why the comment about being sober? I don’t think anyone would assume otherwise.
Anon
Because a cold and rainy camping trip is a bit more pleasant w/ a bit of bourbon to sip on? Don’t worry Betty, nobody’s going to get sloshed while camping with the kids.
Hmm
I was genuinely curious. I don’t think anybody would be a “Betty” wondering if you were drinking on a scouting trip if you hadn’t made mention of staying sober.
Have a nice day.
Anon
All of my friends who camp do it sans kids, so there are all sort of adult substantances they engage in, to the point where I doubt they could camp in a tent sober. Half of them are in pull-behind campers with a bathroom, a mini-kitchen, and a real mattress.
Anon
To Hmm, she literally said she wasn’t drinking on the scouting trip, and only would do so on trips with friends and families. We often joke at school functions and scouting overnights about how much more fun (and sometimes less painful!) the event would be if we could have a glass of wine. Your comment sounded oddly judgmental.
Hmm
To Anon at 12, I don’t judge anyone drinking on a camping trip (with or without kids) at all, I partake myself on camping trips. I just assume it’s SOP for a large organizations like (Boy?) Scouts to forbid drinking while chaperoning.
I simply thought it was a interesting comment and wondered why it was made, nothing more. Like if someone said they wouldn’t be having beers at a Girl Scout meeting when the subject of alcohol wasn’t otherwise involve, I would wonder why they added that comment.
Anon
To anon at 12:00. I’m not Hmm, but I also thought it was an odd comment. But I would also find it odd if people were joking at a kid event that it would be more fun with alcohol. I have no problem with people drinking, but not that our society promotes it as the only way to have fun
Anonymous
I am also willing to go to great lengths to support my daughter’s activities (tonight I will watch her competition until midnight and then pick her up from the bus at 1:30 a.m.), but I think OP’s plan is dangerous and at minimum will result in poor performance at the academic competition. At some point it’s just not worth it.
Anon
How is that you are doing any less dangerous than what OP is doing? She will be at the hotel by 1:30 am
Anonymous
Seriously? I am picking her up at 1:30 and driving her five minutes home, not 3.5 hours to a hotel. Then we are sleeping in, not getting 4 hours later and driving another 3.5 hours.
Anonymous Canadian
This is such a lovely and helpful comment. Hope that something nice drops into your day as a bit of a reward from the universe for it.
Anonymous
Coffee candies or chocolate espresso beans for snacking. A good audiobook (I like twisty mysteries). Have a plan of where you can stop for the night if it gets tooo tough. Having these checkpoints along the way helps time pass and will keep you safer. If you feel drowsy, you truly will need to just stop for a few hours or more. Treat this like being a drunk driver at a certain point. You do not want to be a risk to yourself or others on the road. I also would weigh if either of these activities can be cut or pushed a bit to make it easier or skipped entirely and avoid this sort of schedule in the future. You need to be a good role model and driving this way probably isn’t it as you know.
Anonymous
When I have a long drive I will:
– listen to a fun (smutty) audiobook
– listen to a smart audiobook or podcast series
– listen to my “singalong” playlist – songs in my range that I’m happy to sing along to (your kid can deal)
– chew gum
– make up personalities for the cars/travelers around me (oh look red Cadillac caught up, they must be speeeding)
– call friends/family if possible.
Are you working a full day today and then doing this drive? Agree with the others that starting at 10 sucks.
pink nails
similar to your making up personalities for the cars, I will make up what I think semi-drivers are hauling around. I started this game with my nephew and I still play it sometimes with my husband.
Answering the Question Asked
I assume that if you could leave earlier, you would. The only time I ever get a Starbucks grande Latter (2 shots of espresso) is on the rare occassion that I am working more than 12 hours or when I have a long drive. I like a fun playlist, snacks, and will open the window for a shot of air. You should be fine! Hope you have a plan for rest either during or after the event though.
OP
Thanks everyone for the terrific suggestions and positive thoughts. I have a nap and pedicure planned for after the competition!
Anon
The semi trucks get their mileage in overnight and wow do they speed. If you are driving any major highway, be prepared to be passed by a zillion of those shaking your car like a leaf each time.
Anon
Most have governors and can’t speed. Speeding costs a lot in fuel, often more than it’s worth in extra time and miles. Owner operators are an exception, but in this day and age, most of what’s on the road are company vehicles.
I’ve done a lot of overnight driving and usually try to stay near a group of trucks. They’re the professionals out on the road.
Anon Mom
I am a little surprised by the level of angst over this in the comments. Three and a half hours is not that long of a drive and if you leave at 8 you will be in your hotel before midnight. (And day of is way too late for her to drop out of either team activity. Teaching your kid it is OK to abandon commitments at the last minute is not a great lesson.)
OP – I have to say I think a lot of the advice you are getting is over the top. Drink something caffeinated at the beginning of the trip – which will probably mandate a bathroom break. Take snacks. If you are not familiar with the drive, pick a mid-point for a quick bathroom break. Pick an audio book or podcast to keep you engaged. And turn on your AC or roll down the window if you start feeling sleepy. I understand your concern but you will be fine.
Anon
They aren’t leaving at 8 PM. They are leaving at 10 PM, after a varsity sports game. Apparently the teen must be ready for an academic competition at 7 AM, is a night owl, and both kid and parent are not early risers. I think it’s going to be a rough night for everyone and an even rougher morning.
I agree that it’s not good to back out now. The time to figure out the conflict (and I think this is a conflict) was whenever the second-announced event was announced. That’s when someone should have realized that absent teleportation, one of these events had to be skipped. Prioritizing sleep and safe driving is an important skill to teach teens, just as it is important to teach them not to flake on teammates.
I think at this point, OP just turns on an exciting audio book, stops once, and gets an espresso when leaving the game and when stopping. As a fellow night owl, I would be fine driving until 1:30 or 2:00 AM. It’s the next day where I would be useless, and would consider getting a hotel room so I could take a nap before attempting to drive home. Set multiple loud alarms for 6 AM or whenever you have to get up. Keep the drapes open. Schedule a wake up call from front desk. If this were me and I had the adreneline from a sports event + worry about academic competition that I might miss if I oversleep, I probably wouldn’t sleep much anyway.
Anon
She isn’t able to start the drive till 10pm, but I also think the angst is overblown. Neither I nor my teen normally go to bed until midnight, so this would just have us up a little later than normal.
Anon NYC
They are leaving at 10pm not 8pm though.
Former Junior Associate
The kid’s game starts at 8pm and the drive can’t start before 10pm so can’t end until 1:30am.
Anon
With the caveat that they will be departing at 10 pm, I largely agree.
Still think the best course of action is for Mom to put her foot down and have the daughter leave the game early. Play the first half, gather up stuff, leave. That at least gives the team the benefit of her skills for part of the game, and allows other teammates to remain fresh and rested. It also prevents the problem of going “just a bit longer than we thought and then we are in overtime,” in which the end is always just a few minutes away.
Not to put too fine a point on it: if the daughter took a softball to the head in the fourth inning and had to drop out of the game, her team wouldn’t begrudge her that.
Anon
I would probably sleep at home and sent an alarm for 3:30. But I’m more of a night owl so what I’d honestly do is start driving at 10pm and hit a cheap motel near the destination and get a few hours sleep.
I’ve done it. Daughter was in high school orchestra and a sport and the annual final concert was always the Friday evening of Memorial Day weekend, and the biggest tournament in the world (seriously) was Memorial Day weekend starting first thing Saturday, about a 5 hour drive away.
In hindsight, we are so glad she did both. She’s just out of college now. Great young woman, well on her way to a bright future.
Anonymous
Nighttime is the only time I can drive any distance. The sunshine makes me sleepy. But if this is not you, and you are someone who gets tired before midnight, I would consider perhaps doing a two-hour drive, grabbing a hotel there, and getting up at 5am tomorrow to finish off the trip. It’s early, but it would actually be more uninterrupted sleep for your daughter. And yes, on multiple occasions I left the house at 5:30 am to go to a swim or track meet as a kid. But I’d also be trying to figure out how to leave earlier.
Anonymous
I would drive for an hour or two, stop overnight and get an early start the next day.
Anon
If you recently hired an independent college counselor, can you share about how much you spent? I’m looking to hire a college counselor for my high schooler and the prices vary so much, from $6k to $100k.
Anon
$100k!?!?! Are they Varsity Blues-ing your application? That is insane.
Flats Only
I would hope 100K is “Harvard or your money back”. That’s ridiculous.
Anon
Right! For 100k you could send your kid to four years of private high school with good, in house college counseling!
Anon
Well, maybe 2 yrs. Some private high schools in NY area are over $60k/year. Not boarding.
Anon
Anon at 10:14 here. Depends on location and caliber of school, of course. My suburban Philly private school is now $40k/year, but there are a lot of schools in the area with good college counseling that are $20k
Anonymous
+1 I feel like if it costs a hundred k it can’t be above board. That’s so sketchy.
Anon
Yeah friends in the Bay Area paid $10k for the full service package from a “fancy” college counselor, and that’s in the most expensive part of the US. I’m highly skeptical anyone getting paid $100k is above board.
Anon
I think my friends in the Bay Area might have paid $20k which I found shocking, but $100k seems crazy to me.
Anon
Why are you wanting to hire a counselor – are you trying to get into an Ivy, is your kid neurodiverse, etc?
Anon
Not the OP but in our city, “counselors” in high school service several hundred kids each, and from all issues, from pregnant teens to homeless families needing food stamps, to coordinating dual enrollment with our community college, and college things. They can’t do it all. Most parents I know are normal but hire someone to make sure kids are doing The Things and without having to be overly involved or nag or insist that 20+ years ago we did things differently. I have a freshman and expect to hire someone (kiddo is also autistic, so kid’s needs are outside of the scope of even normal coverage and we may use an internet place like The College Spy for ND expertise and a local person also to be more hand’s on with paperwork).
Anonymous
In our area the application support costs around $500.
Anon
That’s an interesting perspective, and now I sort of wish I’d hired a college counselor for (now college) dd’s. We were in a similar school district, which we liked a lot but which had little in terms of good college guidance. (We’re also in an upper midwest state where it’s pretty much expected that smart kids will go to State Flagship U, which is a terrific school.) I’m reasonably savvy, and thought I’d be able to guide them through pretty well but, wouldn’t you know it, dd’s didn’t want to listen to mom! We did hire a writing coach for the oldest just to get her off her behind and finishing her essay. All has worked out well, but I do wish dd’s had looked at a wider range of options.
Anon
For one of my kids, I chalked up the $$ for a private college counselor to the cost of maintaining a relationship with my kid. If I had been the one to oversee this particular child’s process, we still might not be speaking. I will say that my daughter was admitted to colleges more selective than her on-paper credentials suggested, so perhaps there were other benefits, also.
Seventh Sister
My kids are in a similar district. The counselors in high school don’t have the time to do anything other than say something like, “Your grades are good! You should think about applying to State Flagships as well as junior college.” We have a college counselor and even at around 6k, it’s a lot less than 4 years of private high school.
Anonymous
Our high school guidance counselors tell everyone to apply to the same two bottom-tier state universities, even kids with 4.5+ GPAs and 1500+ on the SAT. It’s disheartening.
Anon
Ours knows that a bunch of kids will get into Chapel Hill, but everyone will apply and they will be competing against thousands of other nice smart suburban girls. They aren’t good at helping them with Plan B, which 95% of them will need.
Anon
My daughter’s high school counselor was overwhelmed & my kid wasn’t getting much from her.
Finally I asked if I could attend one of the appointments (I just said I was confused) and when we met with her and were very nice to her, suddenly she was super helpful.
I never needed to attend another meeting & left it to my kid from that point on. But it did take that to basically get her attention. She is a kind person, just way too busy.
OP
No, my kid goes to a large public school where the only counselor is the “guidance counselor” who handles everything from course selection, helping failing kids find options, mental health, and college advising, for over 400 kids (sorted by last name). The counselors are overworked and quit frequently, so my kid’s counselor is brand new and has no experience. It is very common for parents to pay for independent counselors who can suggest target, reach, safeties, provide advice on the early decision/regular decision strategies, etc.
Anon
There’s no way you should be paying anywhere near $100k for that kind of advice. $6k is pushing it.
Anon
Honest Q — if there is a place with a website that is 100K, pls post a link to it. IDK if that is like sending your kid to IMG for a sport vs an excellent big city travel team, but we will be hiring someone soon (and it’s out of budget, but want to see what a gold standard looks like). My child has autism (but could do college-level work), so no private school in our city (that would come with in-house good college counselors) would take a kid with that Dx, so we know the expensive years are ahead of us but the goal is to have a kid enter the work world and not live at home unemployed as an adult because of the challenges of autism but embrace the idea that there is probably some suitable job out there and it may take a very special set of a college paired with supportive services to make that happen.
OP
They don’t tell you on their website, but there are counseling firms that charge over $100k for the full package. I can name you two: IvyLink and Command Education. Top Tier Admissions charges $95k. TBH, I can’t pay that and most people I know are paying anywhere from $6k to $20k.
Anon
I imagine that the IvyLink full package includes multiple years of one on one tutoring for both academic subjects and testing.
Anonymous
Yeah, tutoring in “basics of crew”, including a crash course in the most common terminology and basic rowing form, plus a photo package of you in a team uniform wearing a medal.
JD
Hmm they’re not clear on their website, but it looks like the cost is very likely tutoring packages spread over high school at least, so it’s probably $10-20K for school tutoring and test prep. Seems high if a kid is already very likely in a good public or private high school, but I could see 1:1 support costing that over time.
I assume the truly rich just discuss buying a building or funding a program with the school directly.
Anonymous
Holy cow. I paid $500. MCOL.
Anoon
How do I transition to this wildly lucrative career?
Anon
It’s not wildly lucrative for most people. I have a friend who is a college counselor in Virginia and she makes ~$100k per year, not per client.
anon
That’s a great salary and job!
Anon
Oh I’m not disparaging her at all, I’m just saying it’s nowhere near as lucrative as you’d think based on OP’s post. Most college advisors are not charging clients six or even high five figures.
Can’t even
Careful isn’t there a demographic cliff or shift coming due to low US birth rates during and since the Great Recession? When there’s fewer applicants, likely with less discretionary income, the competitive landscape becomes much less competitive, right?
anon
$100K? I wouldn’t spend that on college, let alone a counselor. Who are these magical people?
Anon
I’m shocked at college these days. Granted I went to college nearly 20 years ago but my parent’s perspective was get all As and Bs, do some after school activities, and take a few honors courses. I went to the very large public state university 30 minutes away from my hometown and only applied to that one college.
Anon
It hasn’t really changed that much unless you’re super rich or aiming for really elite schools. This board caters to those demographics but for most people college admission isn’t this big thing. At our good public high school the kids who have a 3.5 GPA with a couple honors classes and an extracurricular go to the state flagship with no problem. Kids with worse grades go to one of the other public colleges. It’s not something anyone I know stresses about that much.
Anonymous
What state flagship is that? To get into either our state’s flagship university or its excellent small university you need straight As in all AP or IB courses and top SAT scores. The other state universities where all but one or two kids per year from our high school end up are, to put it nicely, terrible, but at least they are cheaper than the flagship. Even middling SLACs want to see “engagement” because they are trying to game the rankings with high yield rates. There is a lot of pressure to apply to even the somewhat selective schools early decision, which means that fewer slots are left for the students who can’t afford to commit without seeing the aid package and have to apply regular decision. 30 years ago I got into UCLA and Berkeley just by having OK grades, 6 AP courses, state-level honors in one extracurricular, and top SAT scores. At that time there was a formula and my SAT score was enough to put me over the cutoff. These days I would never get in with those stats.
Anon2
Yah, our state flagship is UConn and I am shocked at all the great students getting rejected, or accepted only at an ancillary campus. As college gets more expensive, the state schools are getting more competitive
(I still wouldn’t spend much money on a coach, but it does take effort to find true safety schools and pad your list)
Anon Mom
You clearly do not live in California!
I do not doubt that in many places you can get into your flagship state university with those qualifications but as a California resident I can tell you that you are not getting into any of our top tier public schools with a 3.5 and a couple of honors classes unless you are an athlete on scholarship. You are not even getting into all of the Cal State school. That is not the end of the world (transferring from a community college to a UC is a fairly easy path) But I cannot fault parents of high school students who want their kid to have the option of a University of California school other than Merced or Santa Cruz.
Anon
Yeah definitely not in California. I’m in the Midwest and not Wisconsin/Michigan. Our state flagship is a very solid school and people who go there and study something practical get good jobs and do very well in life, but it’s not a “public Ivy” and admission isn’t really that competitive for decent students. One of the best things about living where we do.
JD
It’s wild how competitive California has gotten. A lot of kids can’t get into a UC anymore with very strong backgrounds. I’m wondering if the level of students is going to bring up the prestige of lower tier schools over time too. Half of the UCs didn’t have much of a reputation until the last couple of decades and are now ranked well nationally. I have little kids, but I’m planning on using some private college consultations later just due to the public high schools lacking in real guidance. To be fair, I didn’t get real guidance back in the day in a small rural school either. My mom did the heavy lifting to help me research options and scholarships.
Anon
I don’t think that’s getting into Santa Cruz either. Unless you have something going for you like you’re a first gen college student.
My son is at Santa Cruz and it was his first choice. He’s in Computer Science, which is a tough major to get into. He was a 4.6 student with IB with extracurriculars (music, scouting, volunteerism) and some of his similarly situated peers didn’t get into Santa Cruz. His bestie was waitlisted and eventually got in, and now they’re roommates, but bestie is not in computer science.
It was my son’s first choice because of the location (gorgeous) first, and the CS program, which is the same as Berkeley’s.
He didn’t get into Cal Poly, but didn’t really want to go there. He didn’t apply to all the UC’s but didn’t get into Berkeley, got into several others but really wanted Santa Cruz. He most importantly didn’t want to be in SoCal.
Seventh Sister
Unpopular opinion, but I doubt the UCs would be half as competitive if they looked at freshman year and senior year grades and/or reinstituted the SAT. Politically, it’s a non-starter to bring back the SAT for the UCs, even though it would probably help with the attrition rates.
Also they need to prioritize California residents for undergraduate seats. They do, but it’s still not enough.
Anon
Yeah, my understanding is that part of why the UCs are so competitive for in-state is that they deprioritize in-state applicants. Most state schools do the opposite (and it would enrage me if I was a California taxpayer!)
I’m in the Midwest and know someone who got into Berkeley recently. He was a good student but not exceptional. I’m sure he never in a million years would have gotten into Berkeley coming from California. He dropped out after his freshman year there because he had such a hard time keeping up academically. The kids that get into the top UCs from in-state are really really smart, basically Ivy caliber I would say.
Anon
This is highly dependent on geography. Some states have reasonable odds at getting into the solid flagship U. Notably, they don’t have a huge number of elite private schools around either, so flagship U is actually the only game in town.
I am particularly thinking about Kentucky, the Dakotas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Kansas, and Missouri as states that fit that model.
But in other states, the flagship schools are increasingly competitive because private schools are so expensive. Or they are just outstanding schools, like UMich. Even UW-Madison has high median GPA and SAT scores (3.8, 1350 range).
Then there is the private school issue. If most people around you go public, then a lot of hiring happens at public U. However, when the high flying achievers go private, it can skew hiring towards private schools. You get this a lot in Massachusetts; there are so many top, top colleges that it’s hard to stand out if you didn’t play the elite admissions game.
Anon
Add Minnesota, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, even Wisconsin has an acceptance rate near 50%… basically the whole Midwest outside of Michigan has flagship schools that aren’t ultra competitive.
I don’t really agree with the last paragraph. In a lot of industries it matters more where you went to grad or professional school and you can get into top tier professional schools from a State U undergrad if you do well on the standardized tests.
Anon
There was a story on ultra expensive college advisors in NYMag recently, I won’t post the link so not to get stuck in mod, but you can google “Inventing the Perfect College Applicant” . Apparently the guy charges $120k…
Anon
I grew up in Northern NJ and imagine that this and similar suburbs of NYC are fertile ground. No one wants their kid to go to Rutgers (which is a great school!), Rutgers is too close to home and the kid wants to leave anyway and the parents can afford that, parents went to Haverford (too close) and Yale (won’t take everyone), so where can kid go? Everyone else applies to Duke, maybe UVA. Who knows? And you look like a nice UMC fungible freshman, so they already have too many kids just like you. Kid is fine. Parent are fine. They could move to Iowa where the kid might be a bigger fish in a smaller pond, but that won’t happen.
I just remember the episode of The Sopranos where Tony wacks a guy in witness protection in Maine and then Carmella tries to get on the good side of the rightly terrified woman on the college admissions committee.
Housecounsel
I am on my third college search and I would encourage you to relax and stop looking around you at what others are doing. The child will end up exactly where she is supposed to be, and if she doesn’t she can transfer.
Kid # 1 got rejected from first choice and was devastated. So was I. Ended up having the time of his life at a great school across the country and got a full tuition scholarship to our state university’s law school. Has a BigLaw job next year. Kid # 2 went to first choice, melted down during Covid, and transferred. Graduating a year late – and it’s FINE. I am letting Kid # 3 lead the way on her choice. It will all work out.
Anon
IDK — I don’t even change the oil in my car even though I understand how to do it and appear to be capable. Not sure why I’d wade into this if I had the $ to outsource some of it. I’m happy to drive to a college and visit for the weekend and help kiddo investigate career paths.
Anon
We expect to pay $5-$10k all told.
Anonymous
Can someone explain in very basic terms how income from a trust should be reported on my tax return? I assumed it would be taxed as regular income, but TurboTax is asking lots of questions about items on the K-1, some of which don’t match up with the K-1 I received from the trust.
An.On.
If this is your first year getting income from the trust, I would suggest you meet with an in-person CPA/accountant to go over it, or talk with the person who prepared the k-1s. There’s simple trusts and complex trusts (I did not make up these terms, these are actual descriptions), depending on how the income is distributed and taxed.
NYCer
You should talk to an accountant about your specific circumstances. The answer will vary depending on many factors (are you a beneficiary or the grantor or both, is it a grantor trust or a nongrantor trust, etc.).
Anonymous
Pray for me friends. My mil decided I was hosting her vegan gluten free birthday dinner tonight. I double checked the guest week last week, which she confirmed. Now that the menu is planned, lo and behold she invited a long lost nephew his baby momma, who I’ve never met, and their infant. Why in earth are they coming? I dont even want to be here. I have to remind myself that none of this is a reflection of me and that I give her power when I get upset. Any tips on boundaries would be appreciated.
anon
Counterpoint – long lost distant relatives (or really anyone new) force people to be on their best behavior. Also, if you wanted to have any non-vegan stuff just for you, use them as an excuse because you weren’t sure what they’d eat so you added a couple extra items.
Anon
This is all brilliant and accurate.
pink nails
+1 this is a fantastic take on the situation
Vicky Austin
+1.
And next year, you are just too slammed with work to plan and host.
Anonymous
Op here. Thanks. Im absolutely not going to bring non vegan food into this situation though. It’s extra expense and effort plus it invites a whole conversation about how evil it is to eat meat or cheese. I’m sorry but if these people were concerned about the menu they could have contacted the hostess.
Anonymous
Just a quick note (not for OP but for the broader audience) that some people aren’t gluten-free to be difficult. It really is a health issue in some cases (and can be serious for some). Serving some gluten items is about as thoughtless as saying I’m going to bring peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though I know a guest has a peanut allergy and didn’t expect peanuts to be around. An attempt at passive aggressiveness like that can have serious consequences if there is cross-contamination, let alone mistaken ingestion.
Anon
The anon above actually said to bring non-vegan items, not items with gluten.
Anonymous
Also: do I have to get them a baby gift? I totally blew off her shower because I didn’t want to go to the baby shower of a woman I’ve never met. I probably should have sent a gift but I didn’t.
Anon
Nope, you’re hosting. No gift necessary.
Thistle
don’t think about a gift.
pink nails
absolutely not. If the baby was a toddler/little older I might pick up some matchbox cars or something small and simple they can play with at your house, but no gift.
Anon
I would vote no! I have a 4 month old and we did not have a baby shower. It’s still a little awkward to me receiving gifts for babe from people I know. It would be even more strange from someone I met for the first time. If the baby is pretty young, it would nice to plan around that gf/mom might be breastfeeding and would like to have a fun NA drink option besides water. And maybe if you have a spot in mind where they could set baby down (clean blanket on a floor or something). Those two things would be perfect.
Vicky Austin
+1 to this!
Anon
If it’s your MIL’s family, it was never on you to get a gift. Your spouse owned/owns that responsibility!
Anon
Absolutely no need to get a gift. But honestly you sound like you really dislike this woman just because she had a baby with a nephew you don’t know. I know this stuff can be a pita, but maybe you could try to turn around your attitude just a little bit.
Vicky Austin
Or at the least direct your ire to your MIL, who sounds like the real jerk in this situation.
Anon
I’m not even sure I get why MIL is being a jerk. Somebody, maybe her, is vegan and gluten free. It’s her birthday. I fully respect people who are vegan (tho I’m an omnivore) and would accommodate them at a dinner party. Gluten free can be due to real health issues. The only mildly irritating thing is adding guests at the last minute, and even that’s maybe not such a big deal depending on how many people were coming in the first place.
Anonymous
Op here. I think you missed the part where she decided I was hosting her birthday dinner, which is obnoxious in itself. FWIW my husband agreed behind my back and we’ve discussed that it won’t happen again.
Anon
That’s a problem with your husband, not your MIL. And I would have made mine do the hosting, since he is the one who agreed
Anonymous
Of course not. Why are you committed to being a doormat?
Cerulean
Could we please not use the term “baby momma”? This is your nephew’s partner and mother to his child, not some rando.
Anon
+1
Sasha
Oh please. Mother of his child and baby momma mean functionally the same thing, the first one just sounds more “proper”.
Anon
No, baby momma is meant to sound disrespectful, unless 1. you’re Black, or 2. you’re sort of joking around. I’m guessing neither is the case here.
Sasha
The only reason you interpret it as being disrespectful is because it’s a slang term stereotypically associated with low income Black people and your assumption is that OP is upper class and white. It’s a colloquial slang term and is not meant as a pejorative.
PLB
I disagree, Sasha. It is most definitely a pejorative, even sometimes amongst Black people, who coined the term. I don’t even like when people refer to themselves as “baby mama” or “baby daddy.”
Can’t even
Disagreeing to Sasha. When I read Baby Mama I assumed it was not a current long-term relationship, that it was an ex- girlfriend or wife and any relationship at this point was purely obligatory out of child support. I’m still not clear if there really is a long-term relationship except why else would a an ex- go to a long-lost aunt’s daughter-in-law’s house for dinner.
Anon
It’s not her nephew and we don’t know whether they’re partners.
Cerulean
Sorry for the error, correct that to *nephew of OP’s MIL*, but presumably they’re partners if she’s invited to come with MIL’s nephew.
Anonymous
I’m not sure there is a polite term for a person you’ve decided is worthy of having your baby but not marrying.
Anon
Partner. It’s not that hard. You do know that it’s very common in my countries for adults to live together, have children together, and not get married.
Anonymous
And in many places it’s a sure sign that you are not interested in committing to the other parent despite what obligations a shared child will entail. We don’t have to take this relationship more seriously than they do.
Anon
Exactly! Please taken your Time Machine back to the 1950s and leave us alone.
Anonymous
+1 what is the logic here? You’re bound to co parent for the rest of your lives but can’t possibly commit to each other because of…paperwork? If being called a baby momma was hurtful maybe don’t stay with the person who doesn’t want to marry you? Women deserve better.
Anon
This is rude and judgmental. What a horrible way to go through life.
Anon
Agree. Eventually, not being married sends a signal, whether or not it “should.”
JD
Agreed. I mostly hear baby mama used when the parents aren’t together in a romantic relationship. It seems like they are together, so girlfriend is a perfectly descriptive term. Otherwise I don’t know why she’d be coming to a distant relative’s birthday.
Anon
Yes when I hear baby mama rather than partner or girlfriend I assume they’re not in a relationship, they just have a baby together. I don’t find it a disparaging term, and I certainly don’t mean it that way.
NaoNao
the MIL probably wants to see a new baby–sounds like she’s at the age where even little lapdogs are “grandbabies!”.
I’d act like the Barefoot Contessa entertaining some local yokels all night personally–just be gracious AF and lean in to the hostess role. Privately after you can school MIL on her Emily Post :)
Anon
I think Ina may get through those evenings with a little help from the liquor cabinet.
Can’t even
To me it sounds like the MIL is the yokel here, inviting new folks to someone else’s house. No idea yet on if Nephew and Mother of nephewson are yokels
Anon
Can someone who is well-versed in the field explain, like I’m five, why/how the realtor lawsuits are expected to drastically change the industry and fees? Right now, for example, if seller’s broker charges 5% and splits with buyer’s broker, then each gets 2.5%. I’ve heard some conversation that suggests new practices where buyer would request their broker fees be paid by seller, but then if seller’s broker charges 2.5% to seller and buyer’s broker charges 2.5% to buyer and buyer requests seller pays it, how is anyone in any different financial position? Is the expectation that at some point, buyers will simply pay their brokers themselves, reducing seller expenses? And how does this help limit the “monopoly” issue – I mean, aren’t brokers all going to likely level out at roughly the same percentages as each other? Or is it likely that they’ll move to a different compensation structure, like flat fee or hourly? How is any of this better for buyers? I’m in an adjacent field, so I have a very basic understanding of how it works, but all of the articles I’ve read on it feel like gobbledy-gook and I feel very stupid about this.
Anon
IDK but as a person who has bought and sold a house, I want someone with some expertise (besides my glancing at Zilow) to help with the initial pricing and soft market it within their contacts and to help me right a realistic offer and assess whether a property is something I need to offer asking price even before it is formally listed or write a different offer on a stale listing that is mispriced. How to value and compensate for that, IDK. I feel for buyer agents who may sacrifice many Saturdays showing houses to someone who never bites or wins a multiple-bid situation and that lately sellers agents don’t do very much but count $ (but this has flipped once 2.5% mortgages went away). Also that selling a $200K house can involve just as much work and skill as a $2M house and yet the agents are paid very differently.
Anon OP
That last line is definitely true! And that maybe makes me think that brokers might shift to a hourly fee instead – but then I assume that would cool buyers interest, since they’re only going to pay for help with houses they’re very interested in – and if they never buy, are they still on the hook to the realtor?? It just seems like this creates a lot more uncertainty about the cost of buying a house and higher obstacles to new or first time home buyers. Not that allocating those expenses 100% to sellers is fair either, but I guess I’m just not seeing how this will actually help the consumers. Will it reduce total costs or just change who pays them? Will it get rid of the “chaff” brokers or shift responsibility for managing the process to the individual clients, like gig economies for houses sales?
anonshmanon
This is what I’m (perhaps naively) hoping for. More overall room for negotiation should incentivize agents to be a little more engaged. We were first time homebuyers last year, and while our agent wasn’t terrible, she was so unimpressive that I wouldn’t recommend her to anyone either. All the houses we were interested in, we found ourselves on zillow. Because of being a realtor, she had the access to get the prospectus for us, and then she had the experience to walk us through the contract formalities. And she was easy to communicate with – those were the positive sides. Anytime we asked for anything resembling advice or expertise, she would dither and get really uncomfortable with saying anything on the record. She was not well informed of legal requirements regarding different municipalities. We basically did all our own research. Not sure that was worth all the money we paid her, but it felt like we had no choice.
Anon
My house in the bay area is probably worth $2.5 million, maybe $3 million. Standard commissions are 6% total (not the 5% OP mentions) so I’d be paying $150K – $180K to sell my house. I believe marketing and staging an expert advice are worth something. But that’s more than I make in a year, and it certainly wouldn’t take a year to sell my house. It was time for things to change.
Anon
I think the idea is that buyers will have an incentive to negotiate with their own agents for a better fee structure.
Whenever a third party pays, prices go up. Currently, buyers have little incentive to save money on their agents’ fees: the seller pays it. You want 3%? Sure! But if the buyer has to pay this fee, it won’t be added to the sale price. Buyer negotiated well with her agent; she can reap the benefits.
Whenever someone makes a percentage-based sale, they want the highest dollar value sale possible. This creates incentives for both buyer and seller agents to jack up the price. For example, buyer agents can only show more expensive homes than the buyers are really looking at.
Seller agents often suggest expensive upgrades before putting the home on the market: kitchen renovations to replace “outdated” items are a big one. Imagine that sellers spend $50k redoing their kitchen and that increases the sale value by $50k. That isn’t a benefit to the seller, who had to deal with the hassle of having their kitchen ripped out; however, the agent makes a few thousand extra dollars.
So, in theory, this might get people to calm down on pre-market upgrades and other nonsense. The buyers can DIY the upgrades; they can live in an “outdated” kitchen; they can do the renovations and not have to pay commissions on that improvement to the agents.
Anon
Buyer’s don’t pay a fee. The seller’s agent negotiates the percentage and then that gets split between the buyer and seller’s agent. So now that seller’s know the 5% or 6% is actually negotiable (it always has been although NAR would like to you think it can’t be) the split could change. The splits are listed in the MLS which means buyer agents could steer their clients to houses with a better split for them.
With NAR no longer being able to be the only game in town (they own all or bits and pieces of the MLS, lockbox companies, etc.) it will allow for other players to enter the market and, make it easier to sell your home yourself if that’s something you actually wanted to do. It’s going to take a while for this to shake out but as a former agent and Realtor, I’m thrilled that the NAR will no longer be able to control the entire residential real estate market. NAR spends the most lobbying dollars per year. Period.
Senior Attorney
While it’s true that the buyers don’t directly pay the fee, the reality is that ALL the money in a real estate transaction comes from the buyer. So if the seller has to pay less to the realtor, they may be willing to take a bit less from the buyer.
Anon
This.
An.On.
I’ve definitely advised clients this way – that if they’re forgoing the realtor, they can afford to give the buyer a break on an appraised or CMA price – but even so, I typically see it only in transactions where the parties also had a pre-existing relationship. No one seems inclined to give strangers a discount on whatever figure they had in mind.
Anon
I feel like this is just one more thing that’s going screw over first time homebuyers who need to look at a lot of houses, have to make a lot of offers because they keep getting outbid, and don’t have the ability to come up with cash to pay a buyers agent upfront. I understand that the buyer is actually paying under the current system too, and I don’t love the incentives to increase the price for buyers, but it’s not like sellers are just going to drop their prices right now and changing things when it’s already so hard for people to break into the housing market seems unlikely to really make things better.
Anon
I think this is right. Seller’s aren’t going to lower their prices, nor are seller’s agents. And as a buyer, if the other side has an agent for what is my largest financial decision, I’m going to invite one to the party and insist that they get paid along with the seller’s agent. My city has been a sellers market for so long that I think buyers agents have been working to help their clients for years and getting poorly paid for it while sellers agents can do no work and still make a living.
Anon
Aren’t sellers’ agents going to have to lower their commissions at some point though? It seems otherwise they’re realizing a huge windfall without having to share commissions with buyers’ agents, and buyers are going to start negotiating sellers paying their fees. In this market that will mean a higher sale price, but at some point the market will stabilize a bit, no?
Anon
At some point yes. But I think that will be quite a while down the road, given how bad the housing shortage is in most places. We essentially stopped building in 2008, and just as things were starting to recover, high interest rates slowed construction again, and blue states make it practically impossible to build in most high demand areas. In the meantime, millennials have reached peak home buying age and people only want more space so that they can WFH, so it will be quite some time before supply meets demand and sellers actually have to make concessions.
Anon
The market will now eventually settle to a more reasonable brokerage cut, after some disruption. It has worked this way for many, many products and services.
Gail the Goldfish
Marketplace had a piece earlier this week that covered some of this: https://www.marketplace.org/shows/marketplace/who-pays-real-estate-agents/
Anonymous
All I know is that it seemed excessive to pay our broker $72,000 when we sold our apartment for $1.2M. The buyers didn’t have a broker so he took both commissions. Loved him but still…
Anon
This. I would pay you 3% unless you went out and sourced a buyer also. But if I were buying, maybe I don’t trust you if you rep the seller also.
Anon
I hear you that 6% for a broker who represented both sides sounds excessive — and it kind of is…
This may be too late for Anonymous at 12:47 PM, but FWIW it’s not uncommon for seller to make an agreement with seller’s agent that if agent represents both parties the total commission will be less.
Anon
I wonder if you try to sell your house with say a 4% total commission, no one is interested in showing it b/c they make less $.
I remember some hot-shot DC area agents wouldn’t work for less than 7%.
Anon
With Redfin and Zillow, I don’t see this is a real concern. Everyone I know who has purchased in the last 10 years found all the places they wanted to see themselves. They just identified the houses for their agent, who arranged the showing. I think most people would fire an agent if they refused to show them a house they wanted to see
Anon
The part I don’t get is how this will lower home prices. I didn’t actively figure the commission into our listing price — we priced it as high as we thought the market could sustain, and it went for more in a bidding war. Won’t people always sell for as much as they can get, regardless of what they have to pay the agent?
And my selling and buying agents were worth their fee. There is so much work, and networking and constant availability to clients, that goes into speedy and efficient sales (on both sides).
Anon
I live in a HCOL area where homes sell fast. No agent I’ve heard of does anywhere near enough money to warrant a 30k commission, which is the size of one for a 1M home.
Maybe the size of the commissions is more reasonable in lower cost of living areas
Anon
I’m 1:34 and I sold in Westchester and bought in Fairfield County, so VHCOL areas, and I stand by my sentiment.
We bought in a market with basically no inventory, and the fact that we got our house was a minor miracle. Our realtor took us to showings on Saturdays and Sundays for many months. We sold a quirky house that had the first offer fall through, and our realtor’s connections helped us take care of issues quickly, he brought in rugs and props to stage the house, and gave lots of good counsel when evaluating offers and dealing with a semi-unresponsive lawyer on the other side.
They earned it.
Anon
Yes, but I think that since high commission fees directly reduce a seller’s take-home from a sale, a seller’s floor price might be higher with higher fees. This will probably take awhile to sort out in the market.
Having bought two houses and sold one, I agree that agents do important work – but it makes absolutely no sense to benchmark their fees for that work on the sale price of the home rather than hours spent/quality of service, where agents could distinguish themselves based on what they provide and customers can choose accordingly.
stressed anon
Please be gentle –
I’ve always been a data oriented, relatively levelheaded person, so I’m having a really hard time keeping my head straight with this concern…. Between the proliferation of AI, offshoring a high percentage of tech jobs to places like India in my industry (I’m not just talking call center, I’m talking accounting, tech, things that have been seen as good careers in the US), and the concerns around climate change, I’ve gotten increasingly stressed and pessimistic about the future. I don’t mean creation of generational wealth (my original goal as the first to have a real career in my family), but I mean the basics of stability and safety.
I think I might be spiraling and my therapist isn’t helping because she just says I’m getting in my head and basically dismisses that these are even issues to be concerned about. I’m looking for realistic information to help me plan for my family’s future…. I wanted to have a child but now I’m afraid I can’t provide that child with a good life if things like the depletion of the US’s groundwater creates climate instability and AI replacing my job means I can’t earn enough anymore to support a good quality of life. My first attempts just led me down the internet rabbit hole of right wing prepping/homesteading and that’s not helpful either. Has anyone here faced this sort of existential dread about the future? How did you overcome it without just ignoring these issues entirely? What practical steps can I take to protect my and my family’s future without going into tin foil hat territory? I look around me and I have a good life now, but it feels so fragile.
Anonymous
Yes. Things are really really bad right now. But I’ve read that each generation thinks theirs is the last (listen to the song Merry Minuet by Kingston Trio for the mid-70s version of all this). Risk is inherent in life – you could slip in the shower, hit your head, and become a vegetable – no amount of prep will help with that.
AI and private equity and big tech and climate change and MAGA trolls… it’s a lot and you’re justified in those fears… but people persevere. You find a way.
Anon
If your therapist is minimizing your concerns, I second the suggestions to look for a different therapist. I’m not saying she should *agree* with you, but how is her telling you “you’re in your head” helpful?
There’s an emerging group of therapist who are educating themselves to work with “climate grief” — somebody like that might also be able to work respectfully with other concerns you have about the future. Also, therapists who advertise that they work with people who are marginalized or oppressed may be more likely to understand that the state of the world affects everyone’s well-being (whether you yourself are from a marginalized or oppressed group).
I suspect part of what makes what you’re describing difficult is that you feel alone with those concerns. Like it’s not ok to mention them in “polite society,” or even possibly in a comments section like this one. Is there a way to find community in your local area that’s not dominated by extremists or preppers? Maybe a sustainable gardening group, if you have a bit of land? Or a biking advocacy group if you are in an urban area? The topic of the group is not what matters, but it would bring you in contact with other people who understand that the way we live right now in highly developed countries is unsustainable in the long run.
Anon
Read Hannah Ritchie’s book Not the End of the World. I’ve spent my entire career in environmental science and take climate change extremely seriously, but have no patience for doomerism. And if that’s not enough, also therapy. Find a new therapist if you have to.
anon
+1 to all this. Doomerism is the opposite of what we need to meaningfully address climate change.
Anon
Can you please clarify? I only know the basics about climate change and everything I’ve read pretty much sounds on par with the end of the world as we know it. My coping mechanism has just been to enjoy as much of life as possible while I can.
Anon
Climate change is absolutely going to change the way we know life on Earth (it already has). But both Earth and the life upon it are resilient and will continue to survive and thrive, just in different ways. It was incredibly stupid to not take climate change more seriously earlier and humans will pay a real price for that, both in terms of money and quality of life (and actual lives), but we’ll also survive, and the best way to do that is to focus on solutions, not just sit around complaining about how we’re doomed and can’t do anything. We’ve made amazing progress in clean energy technology and need to actually focus on doing everything we can in moving toward being carbon neutral and ultimately carbon negative as fast as possible. Every bit of carbon that doesn’t go into the atmosphere matters, even if significant effects of climate change are already inevitable at this point.
Anon
Sounds like all this hinges on electing a gov that takes climate change seriously and that’s not looking great right now.
Anon
No, not really. It obviously helps, and you should do all you can to vote for candidates who take climate seriously, but at this point, economics is on the side of clean energy, so a lot actually comes down to things happening on the local level and individual decisions. Local permitting, building codes, and energy regulations are really important, so weigh in on those. Your decision on what car to buy or to upgrade insulation or install a heat pump or eat more vegan meals matter, and those are all reasonably cost competitive right now (they may cost more upfront, but long term costs are lower or not so much more than the fossil fuel equivalent).
So-So Charlotte
I’m feeling a lot of existential dread, too. I’m in a climate-adjacent field which doesn’t help.
Practically, you can look at living someplace that’s going to be somewhat insulated from warming in the next 50 years or so. Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan. Now is probably not the time to buy a condo in Miami. You can keep an emergency kit on hand and stay informed of the risks in your area. Participate in local preparedness efforts and build community resilience.
Perversely: look at disasters and other dark historical times. The world has ended many, many times – the black death, the genocide of Indigenous Americans, the Holocaust and the devastation of WWII, etc. When disaster strikes there’s this idea that people turn on each other, but that’s not what actually happens. People come together, build communities and support each other. That’s how we survive.
Chl
So I think you need a different therapist. But when I talked to mine about similar (but not same things), she helped me recognize there was a kernel of truth in my fears but I couldn’t let them take over my life. So we thought about ways to think about a small set of potential scenarios and what I would do, but then worked on focusing on other things that are going right and not ruminating. It seemed like a balanced approach between ‘you’re not crazy to think about it’ but you also can’t let it ruin your life you’re living now. She had previously been military (kind of a random BetterHelp match).
Vicky Austin
+1 your therapist sounds profoundly unhelpful. If you don’t want to go through the hassle of finding a new one, I’d be straight with her. “These are the fears that are making me too anxious to function. I need you to take them seriously.”
anon
So when I went through a very similar spiral, it was an indication that I had clinical anxiety (I was postpartum). The practical step that helped me the most was taking Prozac. I now acknowledge that there are things to worry about, but I don’t feel helpless. I’m focused on raising resilient children with good problem-solving abilities and a lot of practical skills, constructing a life that includes helpful mitigants for the most likely climate disruptions in my area (severe weather, in our case – so I installed a whole-house generator, made sure we have a tornado safety plan, etc), and working to instill in my kids and my community a deep appreciation for and knowledge of the natural world. We only protect what we value.
I will add that I think that deep engagement with nature is a helpful stabilizer for climate anxiety in particular, because it acquaints you with both the real impacts but also the real resilience of the natural world, and how much beauty, complexity, and diversity remains. The people I know with the greatest tendency to climate anxiety do not actually tend to have a lot of engagement with nature, so the entire ecosystem seems to feel abstract to them. My background is in forestry and we hunt, fish, hike, kayak, etc – it’s very useful from a grounding perspective.
Also – my two cents: have the child. Having kids ties you to the mast and commits you to building a better future. We have four.
anon
Completely agree on engaging with nature more deeply. Mother Nature is wild and unpredictable and is definitely becoming more so. However, she also is resilient and adapts. You can, too.
pink nails
One of the most interesting things I’ve read about climate change and the future is that climate change scientists are still having kids. That really sticks out to me. There’s articles on the internet if you google “climate scientists having kids” and this looks to be a book about it that perhaps you would find helpful: Under the Sky We Make by Kimberly Nicholas. Like if the people who are studying it every single day are okay with having kids, I feel better about future generations.
Regarding AI, there still needs to be a human who runs it and works with the AI. We may not be that far away from AI eliminating a lot of jobs that could become redundant, however that doesn’t mean that all the jobs are gone – it means that the people who know how to use AI and know what it is and how to work with it will be more effective, efficient and valuable. Can you lean into that? Like just play with using some of the new AI tools for low stakes things? Once you start playing with them, maybe you’ll think of a way to use them in your job. I’ve been using ChatGPT for drafting letters and promotional materials, and I ALWAYS have to edit it. When you’re using these things it becomes pretty clear that the human is still super necessary to guide it. Will it become better, yes. But it’s a ways away from eliminating all the jobs.
Anonymous
This. I work in environmental law. We don’t need less kids, we need more people raising kids to be scientists so we can deal with adaptation planning for things like water management or wildlife habitat protection. We can barely find enough people to hire as it is and all the homesteaders/preppers sure AF are not raising kids focused on getting a solid high school education so they can purse hard sciences on climate adaption in college.
Have kids. Raise kids motivated to find solutions and adapt. Raise kids who are interested to learn the adaptions adopted in Europe which is miles ahead of where we are.
anonshmanon
And we also need kids to study social and political science because once AI has eliminated a few million jobs, we will need to revisit the conversation about people having a right to not starve even if we can’t provide them with jobs, and clearly the societal systems we have invented so far need improvements, whether capitalism or socialism.
anon
I have been playing around with AI to enhance my job. I haven’t hated it. It doesn’t replace my human judgment at ALL, but it is a useful starting point and has saved me time (so I can get to the parts of my job that I cannot outsource).
pink nails
Yes, that’s my experience as well.
Also it makes me think about the areas that I do repetitively that AI could potentially do in the future. A small thing: I can’t wait for AI to be able to start a whole electronic file for me based on an email request, including saving the files with our naming structure and logging the file in our database, etc. That won’t eliminate my job but it will make me so much more efficient.
Of Counsel
Personally I find that it helps to remind myself that people have been convinced the end was nigh for as long as we have human history. When my parents were young it was nuclear war. When I was a kid it was nuclear war plus the hole in the ozone layer, overpopulation, and pollution of air and water. It is always something. All I can do is control what I can control (I would not for example buy a house right on the ocean) and let the rest go.
But also I recommend getting off line. Social media posters (on both sides) engages in the extreme because it drives clicks that is just not helpful or healthy. Subscribe to a newspaper (I like WaPo but your mileage may vary) to stay on top of the news. And if you must be on FB, IG or Twitter/Threads, etc. winnow down who you follow to accounts that give you joy and absolutely nothing else. It is not just teenagers who are suffering from being attached to their phones!
Anon
I’d want a new therapist if my therapist was invalidating my fears instead of helping me work through them, especially if they’re potentially tangled up with family and personal history, ambitions, and sacrifices, as well as fundamental questions like mortality.
I don’t know if this would help you, but for me it helps me to think about my ancestors and what they faced and in what circumstances they were able to raise children such that I’m here today. For me that can take the form of reading about historical “ends of the world” (and commemorating the people who did not make it), as well as appreciating the people that did (I thought the Dawn of Everything was successful at helping me appreciate the quiet parts of the past and imagine a greater variety of potential futures, but there may be better sources like Indigenous histories and movements).
Also try to remember that a lot of doomerism currently is sponsored by the industries that don’t want to change.
Anon
Everything sucks! I don’t think it’s wrong to be anxious about the state of the world and our individual lack of power to do anything about it.
Anon
Agree – is it possible that everyone thinks their generation is the last because the world keeps getting worse? There’s really not much I personally can do, besides be a small cog in an organization that contributes to the betterment of society, but I’m resigned to riding in this hellbound handbasket well-medicated.
Anonymous
Nope. This is anxiety. Take the meds.
Anon
This.
Milan
oh gracious, this is the best time in the history of the world to be alive, and even if things get worse it’s still going to be among the best times in history to be alive for a long time yet. Can you think of any single period in the past when you would rather be bearing children? Human life is fragile and it always has been – more children and families build healthy societies that make life less precarious, not more.
Anonymous
I think you have anxiety and should pursue a different treatment for it. Your therapist is not helping. I would look into CBT in your shoes. I feel for you and am really glad you’re reaching out for help!
Anon
I’ll echo others who have said this is anxiety on a level that it’s impairing your daily function. Medication is SUCH a godsend! It can truly change your life and you can relax and function while being appropriately concerned about the environment and future. Please give it a try. If you don’t like it, you can always stop taking it.
NaoNao
Your child could be the one that grows up to solve some major issue! They could be a change maker or a light in the sky so to speak. I will say this: life is short. Do you want to spend it in fear and anxiety or deeply breathe in each precious day on this Earth? I know it’s very (very!) hard to keep refocusing on that “be here now” stuff, but it does really help. I use a gratitude journal if I feel I’m drifting too deep into the spiral I think “okay, time to whip out that journal.”
JD
I felt the same way when I was considering having kids. Then the couple of people I know from college who went into climate change/environmental studies all still had kids. Eh, I had kids and will try to give them a good foundation as people have always done. I realized that the anxiety I felt was also tied up in my anxiety over having kids generally, which you can work on processing that decision.
stressed anon
I appreciate the responses. I will definitely follow up on the therapy and look up the books mentioned. I think what’s making this even harder is these issues converging…. AI taking away jobs right as climate change intensifies…. I have the optimism that we could weather one of those storms (pardon the pun), but I look around me in the US and just don’t see us banding together as a country to help one another instead of the richest few hoarding everything and rest of us being left to fend for ourselves. I really don’t mean to be so doom & gloom, but I am struggling on what are practical things to do without letting this consume my life.
Anon
OP, It’s great to see your response and that you are finding the comments helpful. There are a couple of books I’d recommend that I personally found helpful:
– Joanna Macy “Active Hope” — she’s a Buddhist teacher who’s spent her entire life reflecting on how we can be helpful to the world in uncertain times
– John Michael Greer, who used to blog about climate collapse at the Archdruid Report, wrote a very unusual “science fiction” novel about a deindustrialized future, “Retrotopia.” That helped me imagine a scenario of how humanity could survive and even thrive even if the climate changes and conventional energy sources dry up
I also really enjoyed Kim Stanley Robinson’s novel, “The Ministry for the Future” for a dose of optimism — not like in “everything is going to be ok,” but more like “climate change is real, and there are things humanity can do.”
Can’t even
Re: therapist: ask your therapist about cognitive behavioral therapy and if your therapist is not able to practice it with you, you may want to find a therapist who can. Anxiety and paranoia about real things is still real!
Re: facts: I’m an environmental consultant with more than 2 kids, all under 18. A thing that lit my mind up was when I learned how bad things are – this was in a class in college on water. You remember learning how 1 person can make a difference if we only… pick up trash, recycle, turn off the faucet when we brush our teeth? Well, we can’t. The problem is too big. So this changed my mindset.
still do what I can – minimize plastic, minimize energy use, try to help people, advocate for green space for everyone, but I no longer worry about the things I cannot impact or affect strongly or should be the purview of governments and corporations.
Not sure if that helps or makes it worse. Hopefully At a certain point you can talk to your kids about this. When my kids learned about climate change and what people are doing to the earth I told them that some people think we shouldn’t have kids and what did they think? They were glad that they were born and hopefully understand that they have to make the world a little better too
Anon
Ugh. I was a pear for years. In perimenopause, I now have a 31″ waist, which seems large for my 40″ hips according to size charts. But it isn’t — I may be an apple-pear, but I am still getting pants that are even larger in the waist and still snug in the hips. It’s like the charts aren’t accounting for a third dimension that governs how pants fit (or don’t). I’m average height, so it’s not that. It’s too spring for skirts but too winter for bare legs, so it’s pants for now but I can’t wait until it’s back to dresses.
anon
Pants shopping is terrible, the end. Especially for those of us who aren’t straight up-and-down. (I’m also a pear-apple in perimenopause, and the shift is real.) I’m starting to understand why people start shopping different brands that are cut a bit more generously.
Anon
Last time I said this, another ‘rette said it is giving up. But stores like Talbots, JJill, and to some extent, AT, do account for the new belly on menopausal women. You just have to know what will frump you out! For me, I stay away from those god awful tunics or any capri cut pant.
Anon
I’ve had very good luck with H&M’s “mom” high-rise jeans. They fit in the waist AND the hips, so that I don’t need a belt. I’m a tall, long-waisted pear.
Anonymous
How many sneakers do you own and how do you pair them with outfits? I have several but pairing them trips me up.
I have:
Workout asics
Black converse
Black mesh adidas
White and green tretorn
Purple kizik
(White no-lace all birds with purple soles but I hate them)
Anon
I have a low profile pair of Merrell gloves for trails, and a high support pair of Brooks for walking on pavement. I don’t really have any fashion sneakers and don’t think about pairing with outfits since I feel any casual athletic clothes I own pair with sneakers generically.
If I had fashion sneakers, I would just get a fashionable pair in a light color and wear them with denim and with skirts. The reason I haven’t done this is that my feet didn’t like the ones I tried on. But maybe it would be more on trend than my default of wearing sandals all summer and boots all winter when not dressed in casual athletic wear.
Anon
I don’t want to think about how many workout sneakers I have (probably 10ish pairs: 2x road running shoes and 2x trail running shoes, cross trainers, turf shoes, tennis shoes, and a few old pairs of running shoes)… and these aren’t even all of my athletic shoes (like cycling shoes), and I have chosen to make some of these shoes multipurpose even if they’re not meant to be. Side note, I’m glad I’m from a part of the country that uses the term sneakers, I think it’d be way too confusing to use a term like tennis shoe or gym shoe since they’re different shoes in my book!
I also have a pair of lightweight black Sauconys with white sole, they’re kind of a hybrid between a workout shoe and a fashion shoe.
As for fashion sneakers I have flat form black leather slip on sneakers, Adidas Grand Courts (black stripe), all white Sauconys, and gray Allbirds.
Allbirds are my errand running / casual shoe: not cute enough to be worn with a “nice outfit” or if I’m going somewhere but nicer than wearing workout shoes (and saves my workout shoes from unnecessary wear and tear). They’re comfy, trendy enough to feel good wearing out and about but nothing to write home about.
The other 3 I’m likely to wear with jeans, cute but comfy black pants, or other casual pants. I also wear them to work at my current job but couldn’t wear to other jobs. My favorite style wise are the grand courts, but they sometimes give me blisters so I don’t wear them as much as I’d like.
I don’t like longer pants with sneakers (ptsd from wet bootcut jeans and sneakers from childhood!) so I wear them with straight leg, kick flare, boyfriend, or similar cut cropped or ankle length pants (or cuffed boyfriend jeans). If I’m wearing flares or bootcut pants, I wear boots, loafers or sandals. I also usually wear black jeans or pants with my GCs so I feel like the black “matches”, but this is my personal preference.
If I were you I’d try the Treetorns with pants like I mentioned above and see if you like it.
Cat
err, 12…….
-retired exercise sneaks now used for gardening
-indoor exercise
-outdoor exercise
-summer fashion (Rothy’s, Vejas, B&W New Balances with that triangular heel, one light colored leather, one bright & funky)
-cool weather fashion (black, gray suede, tan suede, olive suede)
Gail the Goldfish
8: Black Vejas for winter fashion sneakers, white Vejas for summer fashion sneakers, one indoor-only pair of workout sneakers for at-home workouts (so I don’t get outside dirt on the carpet), pair of Rykas for walking, pair of Brooks for running, pair of black Plae for waterproof fashion sneakers, and a pair of white Cole Haan Grand Pro and Allbirds that I tried in my quest for the perfect white sneakers before I got the Vejas. I should probably just get rid of those last two. Plus the previous iteration of the Brooks shoe which has been demoted to gardening shoes after wearing out for running. I will wear the Vejas with pretty much any fashion scenario where I might need sneakers other than working out.
Senior Attorney
All I have to say is that today is the day you should get rid of the pair you hate.
Anon
Yes, yes it is.
Anon
I have about 3 pairs I regularly wear. I use the same sneakers for exercise & just wearing. I choose which based on color & what goes with what I’m wearing.
Anonymous
Probably 10 pairs of casual sneakers — pumas, adidas, etc. I live a pretty casual jeans and t shirt life though.
anon
So I think I have a small epigastic hernia – above my belly button, small bulge. Not painful. Appeared suddenly in the last week and hasn’t gotten bigger or smaller. I’ve made an appt with my doctor, but it is a month away because they don’t have availability and that is just how things are here. I’m very physically active and use my abs a lot. The scheduler I spoke to on the phone said they will only get me an urgent appt if I start bleeding (??????) or have pain. I’m fine waiting my turn so long as it isn’t going to get worse in the interim. Does anyone have knowledge or experience in this area?
anon
I would be wary of weight lifting, or any exercises that involve tightening the core. You just want to keep pressure off that area, so just be conservative in your activity for the next few weeks. Also try not to be constipated – you don’t want to be straining on the toilet.
It should be fine. You can ask to be placed on your doctor’s waiting list if you are concerned. And definitely if you suddenly have severe pain there, call your doctor and they may want you to be seen urgently.
Anon
You can wear a girdle type of brace for now. You should be able to find one online. That helps keep it from bulging until you can get some medical help with it.
Anon
Have you accepted a new job while pregnant? Tips for job searching while pregnant? I’m early in the first trimester with my first child, and I am miserable in my job. I’ve been here about 6 months, and the role is nothing like what was presented to me. Also, there were 10 staff when I was hired, and we are now down to 5…I wouldn’t have taken a job had I known about the poor organizational culture driving people away. Of course, this means my job role keeps expanding to take on other people’s work. I feel like I’m drowning, and my supervisor has indicated she may be leaving too, so there’s no support there.
My current job offers no paid parental leave and no STD. They opt-into unpaid FMLA for job protection, even though they’re small. There’s no possibility of banking and using vacation days; we have “unlimited PTO”, which we cannot use for parental leave. I’m in a state that offers 12 weeks paid leave, which pays only about 1/4 of my income (gulp).
I’m due in early Nov. If I start job searching, I figure I could realistically accept an offer in 3-4 months, which puts me into July. I’d be due 3 months later. I’m concerned about whether realistically, anyone would hire me given this timeline. For additional context, I’m 40, it was a difficult journey to get pregnant, and I envision this being our only child.
Anon
I don’t see a situation in which you would be able to get paid leave at this point, beyond what your state offers. Maybe an employer would and that would be great! But it’s not likely.
In your shoes, I would job hunt and be upfront about the pregnancy once an offer was made. Negotiate for 12 weeks of unpaid protected leave.
Vicky Austin
Someone would totally hire you on that timeline. I would put your energy into getting out of your current job ASAP – it sounds like nothing but trouble.
Anonymous
I interviewed for my job (lawyer) when I was about 6 months pregnant. I was offered the job when I was about 8 months pregnant and we decided I would start after my baby was born. (I would not have been eligible for paid leave either way, we have to have been employed for 12 months before taking the leave.) I started a little earlier than I otherwise would have (10 weeks after birth instead of 12) but it worked out.
Cat
I’ve personally hired a woman who was on pretty much your exact timeline. It was fine.
Anon
I started a new job at 3 months pg and hired a woman at 5 months pg. It does depend on the role and how urgently they need to fill a vacancy. And how attractive a candidate you are. I was specifically recruited for my role so they really wanted me.
My company required 3 months of service before becoming eligible for mat leave, so bear that in mind when searching. You don’t have great paid leave now, but it’s better than zero.
Anon
Fortunately the paid leave I have now is through the state and portable. My current employer will hold my job through FMLA (I will hit 1 year of service when 7 mo pregnant), but the leave is unpaid. I just would need to make sure a new employer would likewise hold my job (likely unpaid) and get the state leave.
Appreciate the feedback!
Bette
I started a job 15 weeks pregnant and they honored their whole paid maternity leave (20 weeks paid) even though it was not their policy to do so.
Worth looking for a new job because it’s not like you’d be losing any maternity benefits since your job does not provide any currently.
JD
I think there is always going to be some risk involved and this will be state dependent. It sounds like they aren’t offering you any benefits except FMLA job protection. In my experience in California (a very progressive state), my friends who changed jobs while pregnant at a mid size corporate (5k employees globally) were given similar leave length options even though they weren’t technically protected, without a career impact to my knowledge. Basically it was least risky legally for the company to offer that time and their managers were fine enough with hiring them while pregnant. However it was unpaid leave from the company end. I don’t know if your state offers any benefits directly.
I think larger companies would be more accustomed to this if you can look at a larger company.
Anon
I hired someone who was 7 months pregnant. My company paid 6 weeks of leave despite the short timeline (big real estate). She took 12, came back, and was fantastic.
I started my current job pregnant. I disclosed as we were negotiating. At the point they’ve made the first offer it would be very difficult for them to back out gracefully. I worked in a crazy dysfunctional place before. I am so glad I got out before the baby was born.
EWD
Late reply but I took one job while 6 months pregnant and another coming off of maternity leave. Get out there and start searching! The kind of company you want to work for will honor/give you paid leave as part of your offer package even if you haven’t been there long enough. Hiring is hard and accommodations are absolutely worth it for the right candidate; that mat leave is a blip in the greater scheme of your career. Good luck!
Anon
I have hypothyroidism and take levothyroxine to manage it. A lot of my go-to healthy foods (broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, spinach, peanut butter) inflame my thyroid. Anyone have tips or resources for a thyroid-friendly diet? Should I talk to my dr about adjusting my meds?
Anon
I have a kid with congentital hypothyroidism (so maybe that is different) and she just eats what she wants. Our endocrinologist has never mentioned a thing as a “thyroid-friendly diet.” She just gets bloodwork every so often to make sure that the synthoid is at the right level.
anon
+1
What do you mean that those foods “inflame your thyroid”? Did you endocrinologist tell you to do this, or is this something you found from scrolling the web…?
Anon
Agree, this sounds like internet stuff.
The only diet advice I’ve ever been given regarding my thyroid medication, which I’ve been taking for 30 years now, is to not take the pill with food. I take it first thing in the morning, by itself, and wait 30 minutes before I eat anything.
BeenThatGuy
I’ve been managing my hypothyroidism for 20 years and have never restricted these types of foods. I’ll add that my Endo has never made the suggestion and I’ve seen her every 3 to 6 months for 15 of those years.
Anon
How do you know they inflame your thyroid? Do you have swelling in your neck? I’d make sure that’s not something else.
anon
Agree with the other commenters – I also take levothyroxine, and the only food-related thing (other than not taking it with food) is that calcium supplements can interfere. But even with that, you can take the supplements and your endo will adjust the synthroid dosage if needed. Never heard about having an inflamed thyroid, that sounds like something you should get checked out (or like an internet thing as others mentioned).
anon
I am a not young woman with reasonably long hair that I either wear down or quickly pulled back with the band that I wear around my wrist. I don’t play with it and in the past I have always just worn it down for a job interview but it is currently much longer than when I have interviewed in the past and I am older. What are some ways to pull it back professionally for an interview or am i overthinking this and its fine to be down?
Cat
if it’s nicely styled and in good condition then long loose hair is totally fine. but if you feel more confident with it pulled back, a styled pony (with a hair accessory like a tortoiseshell barre–te) is also totally fine!
Anon
Something like this. Or I saw a topsy turvy pony on someone at work this week and thought it looked nice.
Anonymous
If you are over about 45 or 50 and/or have gray hair, I actually think that wearing your hair down, neatly styled with a blowout if necessary, looks more current and professional than wearing it up. A twist or bun is kind of a dated look on a “not young” woman.
nykc
OP here. that’s my concern. I pushing 50, I don’t want to look like Ms Grundy from Archie.
Anon
Agree. My longish hair is dark brown base color with lots of silver gray streaking. I feel good and get compliments when my hair is down. I feel like my grandmother when my hair is in a bun, and I rocked the bun when I was younger.
Anonymous
If you have time and means, get a haircut or blowout that makes you look and feel good – then you will be comfortable and confident for the interview!
anon
first round interview is remote. Being given the choice between call or zoom. I Would prefer phone since I don’t need to get dressed but wondering if this is the wrong answer and if others do zoom have i put myself at disadvantage. the person conducting the interview is about 70 if that matters. interested in thoughts.
Cat
I would do Zoom no question. I don’t know anyone, particularly those in the working world, that isn’t extremely familiar with video calls at this point so I wouldn’t act like 70 is some old technophobe!!
Anon
This exactly. I cannot imagine opting for a phone call where you can’t see and gauge reactions. Phone calls are so awkward I might just eliminate you as a candidate for choosing it. Take a shower, get dressed and do a zoom interview.
Anon
With the caveat that I don’t do a lot of hiring, but assuming you care about getting this job I would 100% do zoom unless there was a real solid reason not to, like your location at the time making that hard. I do a lot of calls and virtual meetings every day and I cannot begin to express how much more connected I feel with people that turn their camera on vs being just a name in a box. It’s a lot easier for the hirer to not feel guilty rejecting someone they feel less connected to.
Anon
I vote phone interview. You will be able to refer to notes during the interview when answering questions (just be careful not to sound like you are reading your answers, though). Also, the interviewers will be better able to focus on your responses. Just a tip – you should still dress for the interview even if you are interviewing by phone. It will make you feel more professional, which will come through in the phone interview.
Anon
Also want to add that I have been on several interview panels and we have never put anyone at a disadvantage for interviewing by phone vs Zoom or in person for first round interviews.
JTM
I refer to notes on every Zoom interview – the trick is to minimize the Zoom box so that it’s small & floats on top of your notes. You look like you’re looking straight at the camera/interviewer but you can also have your eyes on your notes to prompt you.
Anon
Crunching on notes is a way to tank an interview. When people do that it’s obvious and signals a lack of competence and/or confidence. While it’s fine to prep and have maybe a note or two to keep yourself on track, you shouldn’t need your notes so much that you can’t be seen on camera.
So-So Charlotte
Another vote for zoom.
Anon
Zoom. More likely the person will be focusing on you than multitasking on a phone call.
Anon
Zoom. More likely the person will be focusing on you than multitasking on a phone call.
Anon
If you cannot bother to shower and dress for a zoom interview, you don’t want the job. And yes, those interviewing will notice.
Anon
My favorite client just had his first baby and I’m going to see him soon (at a coffee shop to get documents signed). Should I bring something along for the baby or for his young family, or would that be weird?
Anon
A small gift is totally fine. Like card + board book or cute rattle or stuffie or something like that.
anon
I think it would be nice! It’s always nice to celebrate a new baby.
pink nails
I don’t think it would be weird to bring a small gift, not elaborate or overly sentimental. I think if it were me I’d give a classic board book set, like Eric Carle’s Very Little Library. I’d keep the wrapping very minimal so that it’s not a big thing to unwrap – idk why but guys can be awkward. Basic non sentimental congrats baby card, done.
Anonymous
Def bring something!!
anon
I would always bring my favorite childhood book as a gift for this situation. Old classics are always appreciated.
anon
I think a gift would be lovely! A few board books are almost always welcome.
Anon
There’s nothing wrong with giving a gift, but it’s what a woman would do. So not weird at all, but definitely feminine. It is kind, I think. You know your relationship with client best.
anon
another vote for small gift. I give a small baby gift (usually a book) to basically everyone one i know who becomes a parent or grandparent. It’s such a little way to do something nice. do it for anyone i work with even tangentially.
Anon
I just gave a client a baby gift, so I definitely vote “no.” Also, my oldest is 27 now, and I still fondly remember a client who gave her a gift.
Anon
Specific rec – the baby (board) book “Press Here”. New parents get tons of copies of the classics. This one was new to us and my baby is obsessed with this.
Anon
Babies also love board books with pics of baby faces. They’re not considered as “classic” but they really hold their attention.
My kids’ favorite board books were:
Baby Faces
Good Night Moon
Pat the Bunny
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
and
Jamberry
Of those, Jamberry is unusual & has been a well received gift for several friends’ babies. One new dad recited Jamberry verses to me the next time I saw him. It’s a book for a parent to read a baby or toddler, and the rhythm of the verse is very sing-songy and soothing.
Anon
Thirty years later: one berry, two berry, pick me a blueberry. . . .
Anon
Yes something little. I like the book idea, but useful things are onesies, socks (not booties), and little hats. My kid got onesies with company logos on them from a few of my industry colleagues and one of my favorite baby pics of her was when she happened to be wearing one! I sent it to my friends at that company and they were delighted.
OP
Thank you for all of your great and specific suggestions! I got a few board books named here and I am very excited to present them to my client. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it!
Anon
I am taking a vacation during the last two weeks of August. I have never taken this much time off from work before. I want to leave the United States. Any recommendations? I did not grow up traveling out of the country so I do not even know what part of the world to explore.
I am very comfortable with heat. I went to Phoenix in July last year and enjoyed myself.
Cat
I probably wouldn’t do a Europe city trip at that time since there tend to be nasty heat waves in late August and those places are just not set up with AC to catch a break. Greek island hopping?
Senior Attorney
I went to Greece last summer and loved it. Almost everybody speaks English, the food is great, culture is amazing of course, it’s nice and warm. Athens is amazing and then I’d do an island or two. Crete is fabulous and I really loved Naxos, which doesn’t allow cruise ships so it’s not overly crowded or touristy.
go for it
I went in September and it was divine.
NY CPA
With a longer vacation, I’d go to Asia or Australia/NZ since it takes so long to get to them. I’ve done 2 weeks in Thailand in August before, and would definitely recommend. Australia and NZ will be cool to cold, depending on where you go, but you could still enjoy nice weather on the Great Barrier Reef at that time of year.
Anon
If Europe, I would do Stockholm and Copenhagen. I went in mid to late August one year and was definitely underdressed in terms of weather. I’d also consider Montreal and Toronto.
Anon
So great that you can take two weeks, that opens a lot of options! I’d consider what kind of place you want (urban, small town, nature), what kind of activities you want to do (architecture, history, music, hiking, food), and whether english-availability is important to you. You have within-a-20-hr-flight options in Latin America, Europe or closer (Mexico). Two weeks is a good amount of time for either ‘staying put’ in one place and living more like a local, having a primary location and going for 2-3 days to somewhere else, or hoping through a region (south of france, etc).
Here are some of the best trips I’ve had: Slovenia (amazing nature, road trip), Norway (amazing nature, road trip), Scotland (castles, Isle of Sky, road trip) Budapest/Vienna/Prague/Salzburg (region-hopping via train, art, architecture), Berlin (lakes and history and urban nightlife).
Top places I’d like to go: Mexico City, Buenos Aires, northern Italy/dolomites, different Greek Islands like Rhodes and Crete (you could tie this in with Athens)
Walnut
The PNW is idyllic that time of year if the wildfires stay away.
Anon
Agree with Cat; don’t do European cities, but Greek (or Spanish, Italian or French) islands would be good.
But I’m also a fan of going farther than Europe with two weeks. August is a great time of year to go on safari in southern Africa. Australia and New Zealand would be good options too.
Anon
Go to South Africa and do a safari. The weather will be cool and dry.
Sarah
This has probably been asked a zillion times before, but what are you all giving for weddings these days? Pretty good friends are having a wedding this weekend, probably a mid-priced wedding for the East Coast, friend group is late 30s/early 40s professionals with individual pre-tax salaries mostly in the $80K-$150K range (I’m guessing). Ten years ago, I was giving $100-$125 as a single person for friends’ weddings, but somehow now even $300/couple sounds high to me, even as I do understand how inflation works. I know everyone prefers cash, but am uncomfortable about how it makes our gift so directly comparable to everyone else’s, while I feel so unsure about how to give the “right” amount.
Anonymous
I would never go to a wedding where my gift would be compared to anyone else’ or where there was a ‘right’ amount.
We give cash, in the $200-$300 range.
Sarah
To be fair, this is all in my head! But it’s very much in my head today
anon
I do $200-250, high range is exception and not norm, and call it a day. I’ve never once considered the salaries of friend group when considering the gift, fwiw.
Cat
$250 from a couple.
Anonymous
I don’t give wedding gifts to people who marry in their late 30s/early 40s. The gift is my presence at the event. And I am in good company. Gifts are exchanged only among family at this point, and those gifts are largely sentimental or large cash gifts from older relatives.
Anon
Oh gosh no. Give a gift regardless of age unless the couple is very well off and explicitly says no gifts. This is coming from someone in a long term relationship, late 30’s considering marriage. It sounds like because I’m getting married later in life it is less important, meaningful and special. I honestly base my gift more on closeness with the couple and my own personal budget along with knowing whether their parents are helping them with the expenses or not. Please don’t be like this commenter. Your presence is the gift only for a smaller destination wedding. You are not that important to everyone.
Anon
What? Of course you give a gift. People should not be punished for getting married later in life. That’s incredibly rude.
We give $150 per person, so $300 for a couple.
Anon
Well noted that my late 30s marriage is less important and less deserving of celebration than my friends who were lucky enough to find their person earlier.
So-So Charlotte
Not give a gift at all just because someone is marrying later seems almost cruel. Sure they aren’t “just starting out” but just because someone married in their 30s vs their 40s doesn’t make them any less worthy of celebration and gifts.
So-So Charlotte
Ugh typos. That should say “30s vs 20s”
Anon
WTF is wrong with you?
Anon
Are you my former best friend? She said that weddings in your late 30s weren’t as special as those in your 20s – her justification for not even sending me a card when I got married.
Anonymous
No. It has nothing to do with whether it is “special” at this age. I am 50 and contemplating marriage for the first time myself. But I think cash gifts among peers is the tackiest thing ever and no one I know who gets married at this age needs anything from me except my support. They all have more than I do by a lot. And invitations thus far have all given “no gifts” admonishments or charity gift instructions (both of which I follow). I thought that would be the norm for everyone. If a group of friends decided to chip in for a honeymoon excursion or something, I would participate for sure. But when I think of my own wedding, I would be quite explicit that there should be no gifts but expect my parents and his older family members to probably ignore that.
Anon
Ok if you’re so opposed to cash why not a nice bottle of wine or liquor, send flowers, a restaurant or spa gift card, a basic or in their taste housewares gift from WS, PB, or crate and barrel + gift receipt?
Anon
This would be legitimately friendship ending for me. Not because it’s about the money, and if I ever had a friend who came to my wedding without giving me a gift because they were tight on cash or something absolutely no issue. But the fact that you so clearly look down on those who marry later in life would be friendship ending.
Besides, being a long time, single and later to marry person, it was difficult for me, emotionally and financially at times, and to know that a friend of mine views me and my marriage as less than would be absolutely gutting
Anonymous
See my reply above. That is not it at all. Congratulations on your marriage. May it be everlasting.
Anon
Ok but people are likely to interpret this much less charitably than you intend…
Anonymous
I genuinely don’t think my friends have expected gifts. Other friend guests did not give them. Maybe it’s just my circles. i do have one friend who finds gifts and attention validating, so knowing that, I would go out of my way to attend her wedding and probably give her some sort of expensive consumable or tchotchke. Handing her money would be absurd since she makes 6x what I do, but she accepted (and expected) an expensive birthday gift from.her former work assistant, so . .
Anon
I fully agree. We got married in our mid-20s and we had some friends who didn’t give us a gift or gave us something that cost less than $25, because they were in grad school and had to spend money to travel to the wedding — we totally understood! But if we’d gotten married later in life, and people hadn’t given us a gift because they didn’t think our marriage deserved to be celebrated that would have been friendship-ending for me. This is an unbelievably cruel attitude.
Anon
What?? No, that’s horrible! People who marry “late 30s/early 40s” (which isn’t even that late!) totally deserve a gift. In fact, I’ve given more to my friends who got married later, because I was older and more financially stable myself.
anon
If you don’t do cash, my favorite is Bacarat shot glasses (or equivalent brand). Small and has generally been well received for the sheer ridiculousness of it.
Anon
I married my husband when we were 34 and 43. My sister gave us a set of Waterford crystal champagne flutes, which we used at our post-wedding dinner (ie reception, but only a dinner) and now use on our anniversary every year. If she had given me super fancy crystal shot glasses, I’m sure we’d do the same!
https://www.amazon.com/Waterford-Millennium-HEALTH-Toasting-Flutes/dp/B005DBEFTS
these are the flutes. We got married in 2000.
Sasha
$100 pp, + and extra $50-$75 for very good friends.
Anon
I mostly go to weddings single and give $100-$150. If I’m bringing a date I double it. I’d say most weddings I give $125, but adjust up or down for various reasons.
29, Philly, I make $93k. I’d say my friends are in the same income bracket as yours, with most being over $100k (I think?).
Things that impact how much I give: was the wedding local or did I have to travel (and how much did I spend on traveling), how close I am to the couple, if I’m close with both members or just one, how much did I spend on pre-wedding things (bachlorette or shower).
Anonymous
Does anyone know how the MTA took over the private subway lines in nyc? I’m sitting in the airport desperately hoping the government takes over this stupid broken system that should be a public utility. The buybacks, the mechanical problems (which instead of fixing they use to inflate the stock with buybacks), the gouging you for every single thing… grrrr.
Anonymous
What are you talking about? The airtrain? There are no private subway lines in NYC. The MTA is a state-run system.
Anon
I think OP is saying she’s somewhere other than NYC where the subways are privatized, and she’s asking how the NYC subways became public (I was unaware the NYC subways had ever been private, off to google!)
Anon
The subway used to be privately owned by at least 2 different companies. That’s why the numbered tracks and alphabetical tracks run different cars etc
Anon
The subway lines that MTA runs used to be private. That’s why they are not all the same size
Books
if you want to understand NY infrastructure and are not afraid of a long read, highly recommend The Power Broker by Robert Caro. 99% Invisible is also doing a book club podcast series this year.
Anon
I’m not sure where you are, but if it is a place where people/voters say, “Government is bad and must be kept small,” then there is your answer.
Anon
Yup.