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2017 Update: We still stand by this discussion of how to keep from crying at work — you may also want to check out our recent discussion of how to get a poker face at work.
Reader S has an interesting question about how to keep from crying at work…
Recently, I posted to a so-called professional site discussing whether or not it was ok to cry at work. The person who started the thread claimed to be a Director who cried a lot at work. Since she cries at work, she wanted to know how other women felt about women crying at work. I shared that ironically, I had just returned from a recent Conference with 600 Attendees, where another attendee volunteered to help the Guest Speaker with a role playing exercise. And, how shocked and discomforted I was (as well as the Guest Speaker based on her initial reaction) when the volunteer started crying on stage during the second phase of the role playing exercise. Not only was the role playing exercise cut short as the Speaker attempted to comfort the volunteer, everyone present was left trying to determine what had happened to cause this woman to start crying. I responded that personally, I felt that crying in the work place was inappropriate as well as unprofessional. And, that women who cry at work, never make Partner, Attending, Director/CEO or get offered other advancement opportunities. Surprisingly, save for 2 males and 3 females including myself, most of the other repliers felt crying at work was ok. Even more surprising to me was the couple of responses which questioned whether or not I was female since they felt my reaction to the volunteer’s crying on stage in front of 600 other attendees was cold-hearted and unsympathetic because I termed it a “display”. One person snipped that just because she tended to cry at work, it did not mean she was not as capable as any man in her Department to which I responded that while crying was not indicative of ability, crying would prevent her from getting the opportunities to prove her ability. So, since we tend to discuss everything else that is work related here on Corporette.com, what are your opinions regard women crying in the workplace?For the Corporette $.02: There really should not be crying in the office, unless it's out of joy. If you're frustrated, if you're sad, if you're angry — bottle it up until you can get to your office or, better yet, to your house. (As Kelly Cutrone says, if you have to cry, go outside.) (Pictured: Crying is okay here., originally uploaded to Flickr by A National Acrobat.)
That said: I've cried at work, and absolutely hated myself the few times I did. I felt like I lost points with my superiors, I felt like I looked weak, and I was disappointed with myself that I couldn't keep my cool. Keeping cool is a big part of being professional. The most notable time I remember crying was in NYC one Friday morning, several Augusts ago. I remember the exact date because my best friend was married in London the next morning, and I missed it — I just couldn't find a flight that would get me to London in time for her morning wedding but also allow me to meet a pressing work deadline (document production). I had taken the news in stride at the time I'd asked my immediate boss and been denied — after all, my friend had thrown the wedding together quickly (a morning civil ceremony in London), and assured me that I didn't need to attend, and the deadline WAS important — but as I sat in that meeting, the day before my best friend was married, and we talked about the deadline, I found my mind completely and utterly focused on the terrible work/life balance I had. I was furious with myself for, apparently, selling my soul for so cheap a price, and I wondered how I could live with myself for missing my. best. friend's. wedding. For a document production. And then, in the meeting, my boss's boss asked if I'd managed to find a flight to London, and oh, what a pity.
And before I knew it — with such little prompting as that — tears were welling up in my eyes. They were of fury and of self-pity and self-loathing — and the more I focused on keeping the tears at bay, the more they welled, and, finally, began spilling down my cheeks. I made no sound, and did my best to keep my head down and continue to take notes. And the meeting droned on, with no one saying a word. I wasn't entirely sure if it was because the person leading the meeting had poor eyesight — maybe she just didn't realize I was crying — or if she thought it best to carry on despite it — she was, after all, the one who had asked the question. At one point, in a break in the meeting, I said, “I'm just going to pop up to the bathroom and get some tissue,” in a cheerful, I'm-trying-to-pull-myself-together-here-if-you-happened-to-have-noticed-that-I'm-silently-sobbing tone of voice, and the meeting leader said, in just as cheerful a voice, “Oh, I have some tissues here!” Great. GREAT. And the meeting went on, and we never spoke of it.
You may say that this — missing your best.friend's.wedding for a work deadline — was an appropriate time to cry. Yet it really, really wasn't. The drama got the better of me, I let myself feel sorry for myself, and I felt like a fool afterwards.
A good friend has since told me that the trick he uses, every time emotions threaten his control, is to sing the MacGyver theme song in his head. For what it's worth, once the crying is over and you're trying to walk the halls without red-rimmed, swollen eyes, I've also found that Visine helps (it gets the red out), as does the cold-water-on-the-wrists trick I mentioned earlier today. (And, of course, as the picture says, crying is always welcome here on this blog.)
Ladies — those of you who CAN keep your cool when emotions get the better of you — what are your tricks to keep your cool? What are your thoughts on crying in the office in the abstract? How do YOU keep from crying at work?
Pin image via Stencil.
Ashley
So, in response to the part that asked about methods to keep yourself from crying (because sometimes, no matter what, the eyes start getting wet, and leaving simply isn’t possible)…
I take deep breaths, counting in-2-3, out-2-3, etc., etc., and only let myself blink on the “in” and “out” count. The trick is to concentrate exclusively on the counting, and not let yourself think about anything else. And remember to swallow a few times before trying to talk, to get your voice back to normal.
SNSinNC
The only time I have ever cried at work (in front of co-workers) was when my immediate supervisor announced he was leaving – he was an absolutely wonderful mentor who taught me more than I can even say my first three years of practice. I held it together until he had left my office, but a co-worker/friend came in to discuss it the second he was gone and I couldn’t quite talk and not tear up a little. I find a nice large glass of water, coffee, whatever, can distract me and hide your face a little bit.
I however, spent many evenings crying the whole way home when I was 7 months pregnant and working 16 hour days for 3 weeks straight. I would make it to the car, and burst into tears the second I got out of the garage. Once, at 2 in the morning when the garage gate wouldn’t open I did not quite make it out of the garage but I do not consider the garage attendant a co-worker. Even at 2 am though, I never actually cried *in* the office (other than as described above), which I am pretty proud of….
On the other hand, I do not generally judge people who do cry (as long as it is not manipulation). My poor husband tends to tear up when he gets angry, and if you think it’s hard to be a woman who cries at work, try being a man.
FI CEO
People cry in the workplace and part of being a leader is learning how to cope with it, including helping the individual feel more composed and ready to make the next move. When people are at work, they may learn of an accident or death involving an immediate family member, they may have miscarriages, or they may have to tell you that they have just been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Sometimes it is hard not to cry with them, but at that point, they may need practical help more, such as a drive to the hospital or the offer of a hot drink. They are often mortified afterwards, but I never think twice about it. Nor do I ever have an adverse reaction if someone is overcome during a difficult performance review or otherwise having a bad day. You never know what is going on in the background.
But fellow employees may also cry with joy when telling you good news and then on occasion I have cried with them, usually followed by a good laugh. We all spend far too much time at the office to think we can shut off our humanity for that many hours per day.
Angela
I cried at a job interview once. I didn’t get the job.
Emily
This is really sad. Crying is a natural healing process, for both men and women. Are our workplaces really so harsh and inhuman that people have to beat themselves up and worry so much about being judged?
Careena
DO A LITTLE DANCE
This is going to sound so crazy but that’s probably why I think it works so well.
At work; you can face hard and stressful decisions and as a women, we tend to deal with that kind of emotions with tears(and me being a very femine girl, I had this problem). But not to let your colleagues see you break under impression, you have to learn to hold your tears back.
So what worked for me was dancing. I start moving my hands and hips as if I was doing a little dance and it’s so silly that it makes me contain myself. Also, usually when you’re dancing, the last thing you think of doing is crying.
Maria
I think people there are two reasons for crying in the office and should be treated separetely:
-A serious reason (the death of a relative, finding out about an illness…) I think it would would be unhuman not to accept crying in such a painful circumstances. Those are really hard moments and trying to look “cool” as many people talk here it just seem un-natural. Lets get our priorities right!
-The second reason for crying is a job related problem, normally stress/frustation. In this case I think it doesn’t look fine at all. I don’t think that gives us the right of blaming the person. But it does look unprofessional and it gives the impression that you are unable to cope with your work. That could be for two reasons: A) that job is above of what you are able to handle or B) that job (or the office in general) is poorly run or workers are have an impossible work load.
Having said that, I cried today at work out for these very same reasons. I am not proud of it and I wish I hadn’t do it. I left the office as soon as I felt the burn in my eyes. A couple of very nice colleagues who saw me came to talk with me. They shared the feeling because it is a very poorly organised office with loads of pressure. I am not too bother about it to be honest. But it clearly means I need to find a new job. Clearly we need a job but certainly not one that makes you break into tears. I am certainly not being paid enough for that! :)
rachel terry
I think crying at work sucks…. it happens… and unfortunately, unless your mom just died, no one forgives office place crying. I will say this, crying is our bodies way of saying “Stress Overload” on the emotions no matter how quickly or how long it takes to occur. When I find that i’ve cried at work or have come close to crying in a professional situation, one of the following is true: issues at home, overly tired, eating poorly, or issues at work. I would suspect your breaking point is caused by that trigger near the issue. I was happy personally, attempting to eat healthy minus an ocassional McDonalds run, decent shape, and i not only broke out in Shingles – I cried for the 3rd time in under 8 months, I knew it was time to move on.
Soniq11
This thread makes me so angry I want to cry! No, seriously. There’s something wrong here, people. Some of us cry, and it’s clearly better, in the current professional culture, if we don’t. Is it a disability? If so, the current professional culture also has a way of legitimizing that (we can’t legally penalize for other disabilities, can we? But must make “reasonable accommodations.) If not a disability, is it perhaps simply a human coping mechanism that yes, probably is better than throwing a punch or counter-insult? Whatever the case, two things seem to be at play here: we need both to protect criers in the current culture (where yes, it’s better that they don’t cry), **and** we NEED to change the culture. If we don’t, many women may jeopardize their careers because they are so crippled by the culture’s abhorrence to crying that they avoid the very conflicts they NEED to engage in order to keep their jobs. And that same damned culture, unfortunately, ALSO penalizes women for showing their anger in other sorts of ways (proven by research, so yes — we are still held to impossibly conflicting standards) . Those of us who cry when angry are therefore responding in a culturally-adaptive way too. Nor are we allowed to be too “cold,” either (women are supposed to be the “nice” ones, too): in other words, many women are DAMNED WHATEVER WE DO . May those with power please continue to work to change this sick way of things, even as those without power must continue to learn how to trick their own bodies to behave in conflictingly adaptive ways. And now, off to my own big conflict of the day (why I’m online in the first place) — so wish me luck. Better to cry than not handle my business, in any case — now THAT’S being a professional.
Carol
I’m very tired of everyone accepting that the norms of the “male dominated” office that has been created over the past 200 years must remain the same now that both women and men populate today’s workplace. I have heard stories of men getting angry, shouting and even throwing ashtrays in meetings, yet these public displays of anger and frustration are rarely seen as negatively as a woman’s crying is. Let’s be honest, women rarely breakdown completely when we are angry. Our voices crack, our eyes well up, the corners of our mouths twitch downward. We struggle because we are now embarrassed as well as angry. Why do we do this? We can’t help it. That is how we are wired to react and have little control over it. So our argument is minimized, we are coddled and told we aren’t “Strong enough”. How dare you! It is physiological and natural. Women are wired differently for the same emotions. Tough! Even when I cry from anger, my argument is valid and I should be heard. Just because men don’t do it, doesn’t mean I don’t belong in the office place. This is the new office. Men yell and make aggressive hand gestures, women cry a bit. I will not be forced to leave the room so everyone can talk about how I cried and not talk about the point I was making. You don’t need to coddle me, you don’t need to pity me. You aren’t expected to respond to me the same way you respond to your wife or daughter when she cries. You don’t need to respond to my crying at all. It’s not weakness nor a manipulation tool, it’s just a fact and difficult to control. Have any of you women failed to respond in a discussion because you were afraid you’d cry? We cannot keep our mouths shut because we cry if we get emotional. Men want to believe we are weak for crying. Don’t believe it. All professionals need to learn to better control their emotions, but we will all fail occasionally. Part of the changing market place is dealing with the emotions of others. Women need to learn how to deal with men’s aggression when angry so we can continue to stand our ground in the argument, but men also need to stand their ground when a woman is welling up. They need to harden against the occasional tear. One way is not better or worse than another, it’s just different. Just as executives go to classes to learn how to handle cultural differences when interacting globally, their is a cultural difference right here at home that needs to find it’s way into office culture. Now let’s change the subject, you’re making me cry:-)
Lulu
This is my first job and I’m not very good at handling stressful situations, in the past two weeks I’ve cried twice in front of my boss, and once she even asked me to stop crying which made me feel even worse. I’ve tried to help it but I just cry whenever I’m feeling frustrated or angry. Is there something I can do to save face after this two episodes?
Debi
Speaker of the House Bainor (sp) is known for crying all the time. How did he get where he is today (no conspiracy theories allowed.)
Joan
I think the business world needs to take a tip from women who cry at work. We are doing what’s healthy, and those that hold it in are NOT. Shame on anyone who looks down on those following their biological imperative.
Patricia Hayden
I think you no cryers are funny you talk like not crying at work is sooo awesome. Are you workaholics? Do you dedicate yourself more to your children? Do emotions annoy you? Do you dress super uppity all the time? Hillariouse. That is whats retarded about todayse dog eat dog world. Money doesnt even exist exept for debt because of unemotional unsentimental misers like you. Rockafeller total type A. They see numbers and rational but they have missed the point of life. the way i see it life is to live. if you were a robot you would be one. your just a human trying to figure out how to make everyone miserable like you. People who dont cry start wars kill steal murder for money and look like they had to many face lifts.
Anon
You guys that have an office to hide in when crying are really lucky. I work in an open plan call centre and I have no place to hide. I have been working there three months now. I openly admit I’ve cried (not sobbing but just tears) a couple of times due to crap home life getting to me, making mistakes and getting chewed out by my boss and getting yelled at by angry customers. Not ’cause I’m upset but I’m frustrated. I know I look weak and incompetent and I feel really embarrassed and angry with myself. I try really hard but the tears just come out sometimes, not every day but sometimes.
bree
I too cry out of frustration or anger, but I know not to let it flow at work. I am a social worker, and even though the subject matter discussed during meetings typically involve successes and fails in helping people, I know for a fact that I would be labeled as ” non- management material ” if I were to become teary eyed during a meeting. My voice cracking is bad enough, but I often find myself having to disguise my passion for what I do, in order to be respected by management. Management: a cult of desensitized ,egotistical ,phony, money worshipping followers, who operate blindly wearing a self- proclaimed title of a leader.