Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Three-Quarter Sleeve Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I really like how this dress from Calvin Klein is mostly black but with a bit of ribbon trim. You get a figure-flattering, figure-skimming look that’s more forgiving than perhaps your usual wrap dress or fit-and-flare dress. The dress is at Lord & Taylor, and because they’ve extended their Cyber Monday sales, it’s $100, marked down from $134. The sizes are S–XL. Three-Quarter Sleeve Dress

Here’s a plus-size option with some contrast trim used in a different way.

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  1. down goes frazier :

    Lauer comes down in the Great Womens Reckoning of 2017!

    • Anonymous :

      Call me Ann, let’s do brunch! Bottomless mimosas, hold the OJ!

    • I was waiting for this one and this was the least surprising firing of all that have happened. Stories about that dude are legendary, and I’m not even in the TV business.

      • Same! Definitely least surprising, and definitely most satisfying for me so far.

      • Also not surprised. I hadn’t heard any rumors about him but he has always seemed creepy.

      • Same. I’m surprised that people are surprised. This (and Kevin Spacey and Louis CK) were long-rumored and were reported on by some of the alternative media like Gawker, even though it was never “front page of CNN” news.

    • Prairie Home Companion :

      100% on Lauer.

      My Prairie Home Companion nostalgia for my childhood was shattered with the Garrison Keillor firing.

      • Same! A friend just texted about this. What had been our Pu$$y Grabs Back friend text chain (renamed after last November) has sadly become a Who Got Fired for Being a Letch? chain.

      • Puddlejumper :

        My wedding was announced on his show! Gah MN Men get your act together!

  2. AttiredAttorney :

    Inspired by a recent post on the Work Edit (formerly CapHillStyle), I’m curious to hear from this group:

    What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?
    Best gift you’ve ever given?

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Best gift: This is weird, but the circumstances made it the best gift ever. I was hospitalized a few years ago and it was going to be a multiple-week hospitalization. I was admitted the night before my birthday. The next day, my aunt had stopped at Target and bought some real pajamas (instead of the fleece pants and non-matching tank I had been wearing) that buttoned up the front so that the central line on my chest could be accessed without issue. She also bought me a small men’s flannel shirt for the same reason so I had something real to put on during the day. The thoughtfulness and usefulness made it my favorite gift ever.

      Best present I’ve given: I filled out one of those Why I Love You, Mom books and my mom said nothing could ever top it for presents.

    • Anonymous :

      Received: College tuition from my parents. In the more traditional Christmas/birthday gift vein, a really talented friend turned one of my favorite wedding photos into a watercolor painting.

      Given: Surprised by mom by flying in for her 60th birthday weekend. She was so shocked and happy.

    • Received: An e-reader. I use it all the time.

      Given: I honestly have no idea since I suck at gifting. Maybe the belt sander I gave to my SO for his birthday, since he uses it a lot. Possibly a piece of jewelry I gave my mom a few years ago as a thank-you for all of her support during grad school.

    • Received: the ten speed bike my parents convinced me j was not getting
      Given: so hard for me to know, I guess you’d have to ask the recipients, but maybe a baby red wings jersey for my husband when I was pregnant with our daughter.

    • Clothes storage :

      Received: my Christmas puppy!

    • Anonymous :

      Received: on my 14th birthday, just as we were sitting down to eat cake, we got the call my grandpa was being moved out of ICU, where he had been after a horrific car accident for almost 40 days.

      Given: my sisters really enjoys the city weekend and shows I bring her to seer

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      The best gift I’ve ever received was a fleece bedspread with horses on it when I was in middle school. I wanted a horse bedspread so badly, and I’d been scouring stores and the internet for literally months, but all the ones I liked were too expensive for my babysitting budget.My mother had heard and seen enough of my agonizing to figure out exactly the kind that I wanted, and in fact found it on a bolt at Jo-Ann’s. It’s the largest blanket I’ve ever had, with a beautiful green satin edging she sewed on herself. Opening that package was my life’s most magical Christmas moment, and I have that blanket to this day.

      The best I’ve ever given was to my boyfriend at our first Christmas together. I got him a stripy hat from the Hudson’s Bay Company (which matched mine), and a copy of Cat’s Eye (Margaret Atwood), which is my favorite book, with notes in the margins. My dad was all “Does he really want to read a book about, like, women and their problems?” and I said “I read books about men and their problems,” but I was really thinking “Well, if he doesn’t this might be our last Christmas together.” Well, he absolutely loved it and was extremely touched that I had given him my favorite book. I was actually kind of taken aback by how much he adored this gift. Like, dude, it’s a used book that I wrote in. But now we’re married so I guess it was a success. :P

    • received: my laptop (needed a new PC and used it to spend many happy hours gaming with my husband pre-baby), my first car (it was over 20 years old when I got it, but it helped me get to my first real job), a thoughtful day of surprise experiences with DH

      given: full-color hardcover Japanese-language edition of Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, helping DH update his 5.1 stereo system piece-by-piece over birthdays/holidays

    • Legally Brunette :

      Received: a beautiful onyx and diamond necklace from my sister that she purchased from a local jewelry in her small town. I love it and every time I wear it, I think of my sister. Also, for my son’s 1st birthday, a friend gave him a really cute onesie with his name on it. It was so simple but my son LOVED that shirt and wore it to death, and seeing him wear it always made me smile.

      Given: for DH’s 40th birthday, I contacted 60 family members/friends and had each of them write a letter to him talking about various memories they had with him, with pictures. I assembled the book while on maternity leave and it ended up being 120 pages! DH was shocked and pleased (although in truth, I think he had NO idea how much effort and time it took).

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Given: for a hot second I was ‘rich’ as a Big Law first year and I bought my mom a black pearl necklace that she wears like every time there’s a fancy event. She talks about it all the time still, even though it was almost a decade ago. That’s a nice feeling!

      I also felt pretty great about the year I got my now-husband a record player and speakers and the whole bit. We had gone out to dinner right after work (for him — I had set up the player at home) and as we were walking home I said that I really had to pee and ran up to the apartment first, and put on a record so that when he came in it would all be going. :)

    • received – a cooking class for me and my husband that my brothers got us for Christmas. The class was on Valentines day, and it meant so much to me that my brothers were thoughtful enough to really pick something that we would enjoy and go through the hassle of pre-scheduling it. Usually my brothers give me random stuff (I’ll get random DVDs for a show I like, but I don’t own a DVD player….), so them teaming up was very awesome.

      given – In college, my mom made me a large, no-sew fleece blanket. It was beloved my me and all of my roommates and was our apartment’s “couch blanket” for nursing hangovers, covering the roommate who fell asleep on the couch, or to be wrapped in while crying through a bad grade on a test or a breakup. For college graduation, I made each of my roommates a blanket so that we would all have one. Several years later, people still have and use them.

    • Mary Ann Singleton :

      Best gift received (at least in recent memory) was a set of a drill and impact/driver of good quality and power. My friends who are very handy and know this stuff saw that I had a need for it, and now a year of renovations later, I have been using it almost every day, and feel so thrilled to be able to hang stuff myself (and not have to ask a dude). And my contractors always commented on how they were jealous of my tools (people in the know could see that they were legit – not some dinky version made for “her”.)

      Best gift given: I have to think about this one. A couple of times I’ve been able to score cool tickets to a sold out show for an SO, or planned fun experiences, but tbh I wish I was better at thoughtful gift giving.

    • Best gift about to be given: My almost-11-year-old has desperately wanted tickets to Hamilton for an entire year. She knows they are expensive and impossible to get and that I’ve failed to secure them in previous releases, so she’s asked Santa for them on the theory that he has more magic than mommy. I am pleased to report that yes, Virginia, there still is a Santa Claus.

      Best gift received: When I graduated from law school the house hadn’t really been cleaned in months and I was dreading tackling the mess. My husband hired a housekeeping service to do a deep clean as a graduation present and it was sooooo wonderful.

    • Received: toss-up between a commissioned painting of my cat sleeping on a bed of pink tulle with red high heels on the bed and the pink pearl ring I wear every day (birthday gift from my SO the first year we were together – I had ordered it myself and he stepped in, changed the order from silver to white gold and gave it to me for my bday).

      Given: I LOVE giving special gifts so this is hard. I have ordered custom necklaces for my church singer friends with the phrase we all say together for our benediction. Bought one of my friends the sweatshirt with “Ringmaster of the sh!tshow” when she became department chair. Have bought some cool wall art for friends by local artists/photographers and had them framed for them. Last year, I had coasters custom made for my stepmother and SIL with photos of my nephews with Santa when they were little. My SIL cried.

    • I feel like Abra thinks that lump of coal story is really sweet, because otherwise why would she have shared it, but all I could think was “Wow, I guess she really is as much of a b*tch as she comes across on her blog.” I can’t imagine being proud of the fact that a family member – even a teenage boy – gave me such a rude “gift.”

      • Wow, this comment reflects so much more negatively on you than anything Abra wrote on her blog. I think she did a lovely job explaining why the gag gift meant something to her at that point in her life and made everyone in her family laugh so hard.

        • Anonymous :

          If I had given that to my B sister as kids it would have been because I thought she was a giant B. Not as a gag gift.

          • Cool. Can you recognize that families are different and your feelings/interpretations are not universal without being so judgmental? If my sister gave me a lump of coal I would have had a reaction similar to Abra’s.

    • Best received: A coffee mug handpainted by my son when he was about 9, at one of those paint-your-own-pottery places. It looks professional, and the colors are gorgeous, my favorite shade of glossy green outside and a lovely blue inside. He managed to get my favorite colors just right and also to do one for his dad in the perfect earth tones for him – how did this kid know to do that at age 9?

      Best given: To my now-ex, for an anniversary gift (our last, now that I think about it), tickets to a concert he really wanted to see but that he had been disappointed to find was sold out, . I had bought the tickets, awesome seats, six months earlier. He was gobsmacked, actually took a couple of steps backward when he opened the envelope and saw the tickets.

    • Best gift given: I gave my husband a leather portfolio with his initials (blind-stamped, so very subtle) that he could use for work travel and important meetings. I did a bunch of research and found one that was made in the USA at a small leather workshop that’s historically made a lot of custom leather briefcases. He likes to buy American-made things with a sense of provenance, so this present was a huge hit both in terms of functionality and being something he loves.

      Best gift received: My family made me a photo book when I got married that was full of pictures of my childhood, family photos, etc. They put a huge amount of effort into it. It’s like having one definitive photo album from growing up.

    • Best gift received: Two things from the same Christmas, but same concept, so sharing both: (1) A large Barnes and Noble giftcard from my in-laws. I am a very frugal human and while I love reading, the pace of working a lot and budgeting thoroughly just didn’t leave much for my e-reader book budget. That giftcard was a gift every single time I used it! (2) My husband gave me a box with pre-purchased dates in individual envelopes. Some were movie tickets with a gift card for dinner, others were small day-trips. Much like the first gift, I wouldn’t have been as amenable to doing the activities if they hadn’t been pre-purchased. It was a gift every time we went on one of the dates!

      Best gift given: Our dog! She’s a hunting dog that my husband had always wanted. I am allergic to dogs, never fancied myself an animal person (especially not dogs), and definitely not a breed I would have chosen. My husband ABSOLUTELY beams with pride when other people (mostly men) tell him “I’ve always wanted one of those!” (especially when they’re walking a floofy dog) and when our vet says that the dog is one of the best/healthiest/prettiest [breed] he’s seen. I have milked the success of this gift wildly and turns out, I’m a HUGE dog person. :)

      • P.S. She’s a working/sporting dog (actually bred for particular work). We financially support rescue organizations and understand how important adopting animals is. Unless you’ve needed a working/sporting dog, the above might get wildly criticized. In my “if I ever got a dog world,” I would have rescued a tiny pug instead.

    • Given: DH and I gave my mom a first class plane ticket to go visit my sister after sister moved across the country.

      Received: Does my engagement ring count? If not, my husband’s aunt gave us a gorgeous crystal bowl that had been in his family since the 1880’s as a wedding present. She has four kids, but told DH she’d been saving it to give to him and his someday wife since he was born. I for sure cried.

    • antsmarching :

      Received: a quilt made by my aunt as a wedding gift. We use it daily.

      Given: Transferring old videotapes of our sons to DVDs for DH. I just found some more and plan to have them transferred this year.

    • Anonymous :

      Received: When I was a kid, my mom was incredibly good at giving gifts at certain moments that made me feel like I was soooo grown up. The two I remember best were my own hairdryer when I was maybe 7 or 8, and a very 90s cream/pink/mint/lavender clock radio when I was about 10. I have younger sisters, so having my own things in my own room felt like a big deal.

      Given: Blankets I’ve made for my friends’ babies.

  3. Is it just me, or is anyone else getting some serious bathrobe vibes from this dress? I think it’s something about how the piping reads on the computer screen.

  4. Received: 10 years old, from my parents, a musical instrument – has provided hours of daily joy for the past 20 years
    Given: at 4 years old to my mother, a handmade paper angle tree topper – my parents still use it on top of their tree

  5. Veronica Mars :

    Has anyone traveled with elderly relatives before? My grandmother is 86 and she wants to go to Belize. My parents are considering doing a cruise with her and inviting me and my (soon-to-be) husband. My concern is that I don’t think grandma should be in a room by herself, and that we should have a family friend or caretaker there at all times. Maybe this is a “know your elder” type thing, but she lives with my parents and often leaves doors open (the front door, fridge, etc) and can be forgetful. But she’s mobile and doesn’t have any other health issues. Is this a disaster waiting to happen, or am I just catastrophizing? I can imagine her having a great time sitting out on the deck or having dinner with us.

    • Anonymous :

      A cruise is doable if she is generally in good health. Maybe just one or two excursions vs. excursions in every port of call. Agree that she needs a connecting room with your parents. Cruise ships are set up for that. They often have large family groups traveling together.

      • Veronica Mars :

        Yes, I think that’s a good idea. I doubt she would even want to get off the ship for the ports that weren’t Belize. She’d probably prefer sitting by the deck and making friends with the waiters.

    • Anonymous :

      Never been on a cruise, is a suite an option? That way someone has some awareness of where she is/what she’s doing and there’s only one exit.

      • Veronica Mars :

        The suite idea is brilliant. My parents may be willing to share a room with her if they’re getting a luxe giant suite.

        • Anonymous :

          Make sure you check the square footage though. A lot of cruise ship “suites” are far from luxe or giant and are only like 10-20% bigger than the smallest cabins. Suites are expensive but you are paying mainly for perks on board (priority boarding, often some alcohol or a private dining area, etc.) as opposed to the room itself.

          • Flats Only :

            This. Two connecting cabins is a much better value. Most suites on a cruise ship don’t have two separate bedrooms, and the ones that do sometimes have minimums for how many people you need to book into the suite. There are connecting cabins in almost every class, so you could get interior, ocean view (just a window) or balcony cabins. Note that the balcony railing is usually over 4 feet tall, so even if grandma is able to open the door to the balcony (they are heavy, and the air pressure difference sometimes makes them tough to open) she won’t be able to fall overboard unless she is a determined climber.

    • Anonymous :

      A cruise is definitely the best option for travel. You can put three people in a room (the third is actually usually much cheaper) so I’d recommend doing that. If they won’t do that, connecting rooms for sure.

    • I’ve done a family cruise where we had outside rooms with balconies in a row. The ship’s staff can open the dividers between the balconies (usually they are private) and that allowed us to use the balconies as a common area for the group and to access each other’s rooms without having to keep the hall doors open. That option might give everyone the privacy that they want or need to enjoy the trip and also allow everyone to keep tabs on each other.

      • +1 to this – it would be a great option to do adjoining balconies. A cruise would be great for her and your family. If she has her own bedroom in your parents house, she will be fine in her own cruise ship room –
        and in fact, probably everywhere on the ship. There isn’t a lot that you can screw up in a cruise room, it’s not like leaving the mini-fridge open would hurt anything (except maybe her water would be less cold). She can order room service at almost any hour. The room door automatically locks behind you and the staff on your floor are usually pretty familiar with who is on their level, so if she forgets her key someone will let her in. There are so many shows and activities, and games like bingo, I bet she would have an absolute blast and may be more independent than you realize.

        You can probably also do more port “excursions” than you realize: you can set them up in advance to get off the boat, walk 100 yards to the shuttles, and get on a bus for an island tour. Or a shuttle that takes you straight to the beach. There are always restaurants and shops right at the port, and while yes, they are there for the tourists, they can be fun. You can get back on the boat at any time. Instead of making assumptions, I would just ask her what she’s comfortable with – would you want to get off the boat at 10 and do a bus tour of the island until 12? Maybe yes. Get off the boat and go to a beach club for the afternoon? Maybe. Do you want to go out all day on a snorkeling tour? Probably no.

        I would absolutely not go three people per room. The rooms (even the suites as mentioned above) are small and sometimes require your third person to get into a lofted or somewhat elevated bed, or the third bed is a pull-out of some type. Not great.

  6. Anonymous :

    I’m sure no one will agree but I’m not loving these allegations when they take down people I’ve enjoyed watching for 2 decades. Want to take down some senator, go for it, who cares. But Matt Lauer – come on; you work in media, you knew it was a faster life and he’s a star so either keep your mouth shut or stay away from him.

    • You’re right, no one will agree with you.

      You don’t get a pass because people think you seem nice. You don’t get a pass because of your industry. You don’t get a pass because you’re a star.

      How about, “Hey, Matt, you know it’s Media and you know you’re a star. Act like a decent human being and don’t use your power to harass people around you. Oh, and maybe think about trying to be a role model if people have enjoyed watching you for 2 decades.”

    • Anonymous :

      Disagree. Sometimes (oftentimes) you can’t simply stay away. After this country elected a man who spoke openly of doing this, I am glad we’re going in a different direction.

    • Anonymous :

      Disagree. I was sexually assaulted in college by a nice guy acquaintenance. Plenty of sexual harassment/assault is by nice guys who feel entitled and won’t take no for an answer (or don’t even ask).

      • Linda from HR :

        Same thing happened to me, but for a long time I felt like it wasn’t a big deal because it was at a party, and that’s what happens at parties, and if I didn’t want some guy pawing at me I should have stayed home. That line of thinking is garbage.

      • I was harassed by the nice guy in the office, repeatedly, over a period of years. And I wasn’t the only one as it turns out. But he was a nice guy! Everyone loved him! Except for the women he was always trying to molest.

        Nice guys do this all the time. They absolutely feel entitled.

      • I was assaulted (not r*ped, but close) by a man who participated in the same faith-based volunteer activity I did, in college. I never accused or confronted him because he was seen as a super nice guy, with a pretty wife and a couple of kids, and I felt like no one would believe me. I would be painted as a s*ut who enticed him into it, although nothing about it was consensual in any way.

        Some predatory “nice guys” cultivate that persona so that they are more likely to be believed if they’re accused. Bill Cosby did that to great success for over 40 years.

    • “And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”

      “he’s a star so either keep your mouth shut or stay away from him”

      Opinions like the second quote are how the man who said the first quote ended up in the oval office.

    • Anonymous :

      oh please, Lauer’s serial harassment has been very well known for a long time. This isn’t a shock allegation coming out of nowhere 20 years after the fact, this is someone going on the record to confirm what everybody already knew but wouldn’t do anything about. He’s not a nice guy and he totally deserves it.

    • Forgot to censor the quote from 45, so posting again.

      “when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the p*ssy. You can do anything.”

      “he’s a star so either keep your mouth shut or stay away from him”

      Opinions like the one in the second quote are the reason why the person who said the first quote ended up in the oval office. There’s no excuse. Hold people responsible for their actions.

    • Anonymous :

      Please. He’s well known as a horrible person. He’s why Ann Curry was forced out. He’s a jerk and I’m completely not surprised at this news. You really couldn’t see through his fake nice?

    • Sure, it sucks when someone you like turns out to be a creep. I never cared for ML, but I’m very sad I don’t get to watch Charlie Rose on PBS anymore or can’t see the new Louis C.K. movie. But, you know, if you’re in media, don’t make yourself the f-ing story, don’t be a creep, know that people won’t keep their mouth shut.

    • Gurl, you are what is wrong with this. :

      Do you hear yourself? ” a faster life and he’s a star so either keep your mouth shut or stay away from him”

      A faster life justifies, warrants, invites sexual assault? Interesting. And hey, when that faster life catches up with you and your boss/co-worker, who you actually can’t just stay away from (…needing an income, wanting and being free to have a career, remaining free from uninvited sexual advances, be damned!), just keep your pretty little lips shut. So this anonymous can keep blissfully watching 5 hours of awful tv programming with her favorite star, Matt!

    • Anonymous :

      I’m not loving them either. It’s hard to hear that someone you liked does very bad things. It’s hard to be reminded again and again and again how hard it is that be a woman in the world. But I’m glad that women are feeling more able to report mistreatment and I’m glad companies are taking it seriously.

    • Gross.

      For them to fire him this quickly after a complaint being filed just Monday night it had to be some combination of
      1) egregious, over the top behavior
      2) well documented (like an email from him to the victim)
      3) a continuation in a known pattern, sort of a third strike, even if this was the first formal complaint

      I feel no sympathy. And hey, if he was wrongly fired, he will sue them.

      • NBC said in their statement that they had reason to believe this was not an isolated incident, so it was definitely 3) and probably some combination of 1) and 2) as well.

      • And oh hey, Variety was about to Break the bombshell story about several victims of his. This does not decrease my cynicism about the whole thing.

    • I’m just really confused legally. Admittedly, I haven’t been watching the stories closely but most employment law cases have a maximum 300 day statute of limitation. So, are these employers firing people because of the negative PR of keeping on a harasser? What’s the purpose of the settlements then? My clients would never pay someone who made a claim outside of the SOL unless, I guess, to avoid the story coming public. But, these stories are public so that wasn’t the purpose. My friend who does plaintiffs work is getting tons of calls from people harassed at work 5 years ago that think they can now get money. They are pretty upset to hear that they are SOL that far back.

      • I am NOT an L&E attorney, but talent like this have very well lawyered contracts which have immediate termination clauses that cover things like this and exclude other rights and remedies.

      • It is often 300 days from the last event, so harassment that started in, say, 2005 and continued up through a month ago is still actionable.

        • Right but many of these people coming forward no longer work with their abusers. I still give them credit for coming forward, I just don’t get why money is being paid out. I agree that the company can still fire someone so long as it doesn’t violate their contract. I don’t mean the SOL prevents a termination. I mean the SOL prevents the victim from getting money from a court.

          • I should have been more clear, I was attempting to answer your question about weather in players are firing these people because of the PR consequences. I would certainly hope it’s more than that, but if you want to going to the legality of it’s because of a violation of company policies Ned code of conduct.

      • Are you not great at lawyering? All of my clients would fire him because if they don’t, they’ll face punitive damages the next time he does it, and there is always a next time.

        • Anon Atty :

          I get why they are fired. I worded that poorly. My confusion is on the settlements they are paying. It’s rare for a business to do the right thing out of the goodness of their heart.

          • Anonymous :

            Hey just wanted to apologize. My comment was needlessly rude and my rage is at allmen not you.

          • Anon Atty :

            Thanks anonymous. I hear you. I’m glad it is being talked about. The men are scared. Men in my office are talking about it. They are being more careful about everything they do. Hopefully not to Pence standards. I’m glad they get a chance to feel what it’s like to be careful and scared all of the time.

    • You sound like a terrible, entitled person who is completely blind to the experiences of other people. People like YOU are what is wrong with this country – thinking “nice” guys get a pass. You need a reality check.

    • I agree that I don’t love it. But I’m just so freaking disappointed in these men for engaging in this unacceptable and criminal behavior. Why do these otherwise highly functional adults act like Neanderthals when it comes to women? Why do these men think that the women around them are just fruit for the picking? I hate hearing these allegations because it makes me so frustrated that the behavior is so widespread.

      • I agree. I’m disappointed. It baffles my mind. How do these men live with themselves, especially when it’s repeat behavior to vulnerable individuals? There is such a disconnect there, a lack of empathy for others. It’s gross.

    • nasty woman :


      sorrynotsorry you’re butthurt because you need to find someone else to spoon feed you mediocre news analysis.

    • This is insane. I felt sad when Bill Cosby went through this (I don’t really like Matt Lauer), but in a “I’m sad that this man I thought of so highly is a creep to women” not in a “I’m sad women he assaulted are being whiny so now I don’t get to watch him anymore”. Because that’s insane. I can’t even access that thought process.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        With you, lawsuited. Like, yes, it’s a sinking, disappointing feeling when someone you thought you liked turns out to have a dark side … but that’s the problem with the person committing the harassment/assault/what have you, NOT the victim reporting it or the employer firing the perpetrator.

      • Agreed; thank you for articulating this. Even good people make mistakes, but it is so disappointing to discover that someone you formerly respected and looked up to has been actively living a lie.

      • +1000

    • This is a troll right?

    • It is completely baffling to me that so many people are upset to see their favorite star exposed. Why on earth are you so obsessed with total strangers who just happen to be in a public facing industry? The people who get so upset at not getting to see so and so anymore seriously need to reexamine their perspective and worship of “celebrities.” Do you also obsess over the person who designs your favorite pants or app?

      • Agreed. Someone in the cube farm today said they were physically sick to hear this about Matt Lauer. Ummm, get a grip.

      • I don’t think it has anything to do with fame or celebrity worship, at least not necessarily. Sure, I’m not going to be upset that someone came forward and “ruined” something I like to watch, but I totally get being disappointed that something I enjoy isn’t going to be available anymore, regardless of reason. For example, Charlie Rose. He may have been a creep but he was a genuinely good interviewer. I get why his PBS show got canceled but I also get why some people (myself, included) miss watching it. It was a good way to wind down the day. I don’t necessarily feel that way about ML b/c I personally can’t stand morning talk shows, but that’s a matter of preference. I get why someone might be sad that it’s not going to be the same if it’s something that they enjoy.
        This isn’t to say that we should separate the artist from the art, but it’s reasonable to me to acknowledge that someone was good at X and that you feel sad that because of their other behavior, you can’t watch them do X any more. That has nothing to do with celebrity worship. It applies to all sorts of professions – teachers, doctors, etc.

      • Eh, I’m not obsessed with any particular celebrity, but until recently, I really enjoyed watching Louis CK. I found him very funny in stand-up, and Horace & Pete is one of the most brilliant shows I’ve seen (and Edie Falco is amazing in it). I don’t think I can get the same enjoyment out of his work now, particularly since much of his comedy works as “I talk about the things I wouldn’t actually say or do,” and now we know he does actually act on it. I’m not sad or physically ill or anything, but I’m disappointed to know that he’s actually a creep.

        I also live in New Orleans, where there’s been a sexual harassment scandal around one of the city’s most famous chefs. I don’t want to eat in his restaurants anymore, which is too bad because two of them were my favorite restaurants. He’s also been a major figure in the recovery of New Orleans since Katrina and a leader among charitable giving, so it’s disappointing to learn that he’s a creep who led and allowed a culture of sexual harassment throughout his restaurants.

        Those feelings co-exist with happiness that our culture may be changing and gratefulness that these women (and men, in some cases) spoke out. I’d rather know and use my dollars to support people who might not be creeps, but it’s not celebrity worship to think it s*cks to learn that talented people are also creeps.

        • Anonymous :

          Yes, re: John Besh! I heard about that recently – I don’t live in NOLA but I visit regularly and have eaten in and really enjoyed several of his restaurants. August in particular is (was I guess) a fave. I don’t think I’ll return to any of his restaurants.

        • What you said about Louis CK applies really well to how I still feel about Woody Allen.

        • NOLAphile :

          Not John Besh?? Damnit. I’m sad to hear that since I love his food, and visiting his restaurants has always been a highlight of my trips to NOLA. This one hits me harder than any of the news anchors!

          But it looks like he’s a giant harassing sh*tbag, so I’ll just sit here simmering in anger at his betrayal of human decency. And make some reservations at woman-owned restaurants the next time I’m in town.

    • Anonymous, you are a perfect portrayal of how our culture goes to great lengths of mental gymnastics and double-speak to blame women. You admit that he is the bad actor (otherwise, why would anyone have to “stay away from him”) and yet also doubt the women who point that out and are victimized by him (not loving their allegations). Other ways this is commonly seen: doubting women who come forward while at the same time fathers yelling at their daughters “you can’t go out dressed like that, I know what young men will think, etc.” – i.e. acknowledging that the problem is (most of the time) the men.

      You suck.

      Savannah said it best when she said it was difficult to reconcile how someone you consider a friend can do bad things. It’s hard for everyone, whether you enjoy watching Matt Lauer or Louis CK or Charlie Rose or support the way Conyers votes, etc. Since October 2016 it has been very hard to be a woman, especially a working one, in this world. It has felt like men everywhere realized they had a free pass to exert their power (any drop of it) over women, minorities, anybody different. I have seen it in our workplace with a spike in harassment filings and in teacher friends of mine reporting that bullying and nasty comments is near impossible to check. I’m glad we as a society are saying this is not ok. But the work isn’t over, a child molester could be a senator in Alabama, an admitted s3xual predator lives on the taxpayer dime in the White House. Everybody everywhere should feel consequences for their actions, whether Democrat or Republican, “nice guy” TV personality or not.

      • I was incredibly impressed with how articulate Savannah was this morning, even though she was visibly upset. I think it was on the 8 o’clock hour opening headlines where she seemed to speak at least somewhat off the cuff about it.

        • I wonder how much she wasn’t surprised by this. Jezebel has a 2012 video from WWHL w/Andy Cohen where Katie Couric talks about ML grabbing her a$$ on the regular…

    • Not ready to make nice :

      What the heck is wrong with you? Are you seriously blaming women for being harassed, just because a man you don’t know at all seems like a “nice guy”? Please ruminate on that for awhile and ask yourself WHY.

    • I understand where you are coming from in some regard. It all starts to seem very Lord of the Flies and I sincerely hope no one is jumping on the bandwagon to fulfill some need for personal attention.

      My husband worked with a man whose brother in law was a tennis pro at a country club in the Midwest. A 14 year old who took group lessons from him accused him of asking her on a “date” to get pizza and see a movie. The man was married to a school teacher and they had two young children. Ultimately, it was determined – and the 14 year old admitted – that he did not actually do this. It turns out that she was feeling sad that her parents were divorcing and believed her father would pay more attention to her in light of the drama. The public / local community rarely sides with men in these situations even when the men have good reputations and no history of similar behavior.

      Unfortunately, the damage was done for the tennis pro. He lost his job, his wife and children were harassed. They ultimately moved across the country but it was a life changing experience.

      • Women are being believed because we all know lots of women who have been harassed or assaulted and did not report. Literally none of the women lawyers I know who have been harassed or assaulted have reported because they didn’t want to deal with the process/system and how horrible it is for victims. These are white, upper middle class women – if they don’t have enough privilege to report, how safe do you think other victims feel?

        You might also consider that in the case you mention, you have heard only one side the story 3rd hand. If the alleged victim recanted, it seems very unusual that he would have lost his job and that there would have been ongoing harassment in the community.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Right? “My husband worked with a man whose brother-in-law…”

          • +500 You don’t know squat about the real story other than one side. Maybe it was made up. Maybe it wasn’t. Don’t use it as an example to discount or discourage other people from speaking up. Women who are victims of these kinds of actions already have significant deterrents to coming forward as it is.

      • Yeah, the personal attention received by women who have been harassed is sooooo awesome!

      • Wait, he lost his wife and then moved across the country with her?

        • Anonymous :

          It was ambiguously worded, but I parsed it as “He lost his job. His wife and children were harassed. They ultimately moved across the country…”

      • Anonymous :

        I agree you’re not close enough to the situation to know all the facts. In middle school, I had a classmate who regularly made very inappropriate, s*xual comments about one of our teachers – along the lines of how she thought he was hot and wanted to bed him (but more vulgar than that). I was super innocent and was totally scandalized by these comments, and when she accused him of hitting on her a few months later I was totally outraged (“But SHE has a crush on HIM, not the other way around!”). I and a few other girls even went to the administration to tell them that the teacher had never behaved inappropriately with us and we had never witnessed him behave inappropriately towards this girl (100% true, but not necessarily very relevant). He ended up leaving the school at the end of that year although he taught elsewhere for a while so his teaching license was clearly not revoked. For a long time I really thought this guy was unfairly accused and felt terrible for him. But as I got older and I learned more about abuse and what it looks like when an adult male “grooms” a teenage girl, I realize that this girl’s behavior could be entirely consistent with that. Only those two people will ever know the truth about what really happened, but I’m no longer convinced it was a false allegation.

    • This can’t be a serious comment. It is disgusting and offensive to both women and men. Women need to be supportive of other women, not sad some good looking a**h0le finally got busted for being a a**h0le.

    • Bummer for you.

    • So you think no women should work in media? Like I can’t even understand what you are trying to say here. I know it’s a troll attempt but it’s not even a good one – usually they go for the “let’s wait to hear the other side” etc. you’re argument is just women should stay out of working in news/media?

    • Was wondering when one of the butthurt dude trolls was going to chime in about this.

    • Okay, tr0!! who is probably a guy…I’m sorry for your loss? Might want to gird your loins though, because your boy Matt Lauer won’t be the last. LOL

      • So I know it’s easy to assume this is a troll and a guy, but part of our problem as a society is that so many women have internalized these sorts of misogynist ideas. Rather, many people have internalized these ideas and those people include women too. It’s a problem!

        • So I posted upthread that this was a troll but I think your point is really really important.

        • Metallica :

          Very true (and internalized misogynism is a huge problem!), but something about the tone makes me think it’s a guy–although I can’t quite put my finger on it.

  7. We switched cleaning services this year from a private individual to a service that employs 20 people and sends 4 to each cleaning. How do I do a holiday tip in this situation?

    • anon a mouse :

      Ask the service how they prefer to handle it. Ours says we can either leave cash for that day’s team or send them a check for the holiday tip that will be distributed appropriately.

    • Anonymous :

      I have a similar service – 4 ladies clean for 1 hour vs. 1 for 4 hours. Based on a holiday tip being equivalent to one service, I give 25% of the cost of the service to each (rounded up to nearest $5 amount – so not like 32.50 but $35).

    • Anonymouse :

      We tip the amount of one cleaning payment, but make sure to leave denominations that can be divided between each person. Ex: 4 $50’s instead of 2 $100 bills. Not sure if that’s the norm, but that’s what we did last year!

      • Anonymouse :

        Oh, wait, do you have the same team each time? That’s the situation we have, they send the same people unless one is out sick or something, then someone else subs in. So we’re just tipping our own “team.” If you get different people every time, I’m not sure! Do you need to tip in that situation?

    • Senior Attorney :

      When I had a service I’d always call and make sure it was going to be the usual team. If there were no usual team I think I’d either leave it and figure they probably informally split among themselves (which is what I do in hotels — leave it on the last day), or send it to the service to distribute (which would, honestly, make me twitch a little about whether it would get to where it needed to go).

  8. Clothes storage :

    Right now my folded clothes are all heaped on two shelves in a built-in cabinet, which are waaaay too big for clothes (2.5’x 3′ opening, and at least 4′ deep). It’s not working,no matter how carefully I stack and fold, and I need a better system. But in the past, I dressers have always been too small.

    Can anyone recommend a system that actually works for an adult woman’s wardrobe? Either freestanding or making use of those terrible shelves? Thanks!

    • Can you install drawers on those shelves? Like wire baskets on tracks? They may not go the full depth, but you could always use the back space (behind the “drawer”) to store off-season stuff.

      I’m thinking of rev-a-shelf type stuff (a brand); you’d need to adopt a somewhat Kondo-esque means of folding and “filing” your items so you can see and access everything at once, but it is do-able.

      • Senior Attorney :

        I second this. I have very wide built-in drawers in my dressing room and they are the super best.

    • anon a mouse :

      I second the idea to figure out a way to install in the shelves if possible. But you should also check out the Elfa freestanding options at Container Store.

      • Clothes storage :

        Thanks, it looks like if I doubled up on their extra-wide drawers, I might actually be able to us the space!

    • Anonymous :

      A dresser. Just don’t have more clothes than fit.

    • Cat Lady In Training :

      I have a big, mid-century nine drawer dresser. It’s the best, and lets me have enough spaces to really separate and organize my stuff.

    • About two years ago I got rid of a ton of clothes (Konmari) and started to hang almost everything except underclothes and just a few other things. I even hang my husband’s running shirts. Things are so much easier this way!

      • Interestingly, the Konmari folding method did not work for me. It became one big jumbled mess STAT.

        • It only works for me in drawers where I only wear a small fraction of the clothes before doing laundry. If I take too many items out during the week, the items that are left fall over.

          • try the Skubb drawer dividers from Ikea – that way each section only has 3-4 items. It’s the only way Konmari works for me.

        • The only Konmari folding that worked (and I’m still using today) are underwear rolls. The rolls are so much easier to view and grab for underwear!

          Every other drawer went right back to stacks of T-shirts, pjs, and sweaters. The problem is that I fold quickly from the dryer in the laundry room, stack into the basket, then drag upstairs and disperse stacks in everyone’s bedrooms. (I despise baskets of clean, unfolded laundry. NO! FOLD FROM THE DRYER!) Konmari rolls slowed this whole process down, and the kids would absolutely destroy their drawers anyway.

          • 1 of 4 Susans :

            I agree. I recently started rolling all my underwear, except br*s which are stackable, in a drawer. It has made my life so much easier.

      • So you are just looking for shelving for underclothes? What about a couple of baskets on the shelves, one for bras, one of hose, one for undies etc. If you’re hanging everything except underclothes then you can just toss them in the baskets.

        • No, that wasn’t me (the OP). Someone making a helpful suggestion, which I will definitely consider.

    • I feel like maybe you could use some of those under bed storage boxes or even th taller type as drawers. They’re not 4 feet long, so you could use the back of the shelves, as others have suggested, for out of season storage in the same boxes, but with Lids on.

  9. Camera bag :

    Recommendations for a lightweight, compact, stylish camera bag? I recently got my first DSLR camera. It’s on the small side for a DSLR (fwiw, the Cannon T7i). I also have 2 smallish lenses. I plan to travel with the camera but all the bags I’ve seen are bulky and ugly. Suggestions for either a nice-looking camera bag or small cases that I can throw into my purse?

    • AttiredAttorney :

      I use a slim fitting neoprene case that I then throw in my purse or larger carry-all bag. I think it was about $15 from amazon. Link to follow.

      • AttiredAttorney :

    • Lo and Sons makes one that looks like a nice leather purse. Can’t speak to how functional it is though as I don’t have an SLR.

      • BabyAssociate :

        I have this one. It fits a mirrorless camera (smaller than an SLR) and an extra lens well. The only thing that bothers me about it is that there are zero internal pockets, so if you want to carry spare batteries with you, you have to toss them into the external zip pocket on the back or in the main compartment.

      • I have this bag and I love it. It’s my favorite Lo & Sons purchase. It’s not lightweight (especially when full), but it doesn’t scream camera bag and it fits everything you need, including an extra lense and extra SD cards. There isn’t much room for my other personal belongings, but I can usually fit a small wallet, keys, and my phone on top. Sometimes I carry this bag without my camera – it’s a nice purse!

    • I got the an insert similar to the below, which I then put into backpacks/purses. I like that better than a specific camera bag because I can use the purse I need (sometimes the prada double zip, sometimes a backpack) and not advertise that I’m carrying a nice camera.

  10. Sloan Sabbith :

    What’s everyone wearing today?

    Also, I bought a Calvin Klein blazer this weekend in dark grey and a black dress to wear to interviews. It looks really good together, but I’d really like a matching suit. However, neither the pants nor the skirt for Calvin Klein fit, and not in a “This could be tailored and look great” way. More like a “The smaller size is way too tight and the next size up has so much fabric it would need to be completely resewn (which I do not have money for). The pants will fit in the waist but have so much extra fabric in the thigh and calf that I look like I’m playing dress up. Is there a Calvin Klein dress in the same grey? The blazer fits amazingly, so I’m not exchanging it, and if there’s not a dress to match, I’m fine just wearing non-matching but looks-good-with dresses with it. I checked Macy’s and Calvin Klein’s website and the Rack (where I bought it), but I know they’ve used this grey for a few years so I was hoping there was a discontinued dress I could snag somewhere online.


    • Check 6pm. I’ve had good luck there with a lot of Calvin Klein pieces that I’ve found at Rack.

    • Anonymous :

      I’ve seen some grey Calvin Klein dresses recently at Marshalls and Burlington. Maybe call there and TJ Maxx.

    • Cat Lady In Training :

      This grey dress? Bonton has this one in lucky sizes.^215757095267-device^c-plaid^297286437545-sku^[email protected]^PLA

      Dillard’s has more sizes:

    • I can’t help with your fashion request, but I will tell you what I am wearing!

      – JCREW rose gold colored silk shell with a fabulous high neck ruffle thing;
      – Bobeau grey drapey cardigan;
      – leopard pencil skirt (white base, RG top matches the small bits of “brown” in the skirt); and
      – black patent heels.

      My amazing neighbor gifted me probably $3k worth of clothes that no longer fit her over the weekend. A few pieces need some minor tailoring, but it’s all “vintage” JCREW, Kate Spade, Theory, etc. and also included 5 pairs of True Religion jeans which fit perfectly! I have a whole new closet to shop in!

      • Fabulous!!!

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        I’m in a tan J Crew boyfriend-ish cardigan (cashmere, scored for $6 at my local Goodwill), pink Gap bistretch skinny pants, and a black top with vaguely-floral red, tan, orange, and purple dots, with tan Toms booties.

        Sounds like an adorable outfit!

      • Jammies. I’m working from home with a not-so-sick 10 year old son.

    • Linda from HR :

      A rouched burgundy sheath dress, and I feel amazing in it after I’ve been weight training and toning my midsection. Let’s see how long I can keep it up!

      • Legally Brunette :

        What have you been doing to tone your midsection? I have been weight training and while my arms look amazing and my thighs are smaller, my belly seems to have remained the same. :(

        • Are you engaging your abs during compound movements? Or try a Megaformer class, I had crazy beginner ab gains doing that.

        • Linda from HR :

          Mostly planks and some Ab Slide sessions. I don’t even know if you can still buy an Ab Slide, it was one of those “fad” workout devices like fifteen years ago, but I think it works!

        • Anonymous :

          Are you doing things like dead lifts and squats with heavy weights? Are you sure your form is correct so as to fully engage your core

    • Mosaic pattered sheath dress with black tights, black flats, and a black cardigan. I usually only wear this dress in the summer, but there’s enough black in the pattern that I thought I’d try to “winter-ize” it. Turns out it looks really cool with the black! Also, a plug for my tights- Target A New Day 120D Blackout Tights. $8, totally opaque, worn 5-6 times so far with no runs, picks, pinching, or other problems!

    • I’m wearing my Lord and Taylor black ponte ankle pants (love these so much!), a Reitmans tank with a large black/cream/blush pink floral print, my favourite Lord and Taylor denim blazer, and Nine West blush pink suede pointed-toe flats. The whole look is a little more early spring than late fall, and I’m sporting burgundy lipstick to really confuse people.

    • Ted baker Black floral dress with white collar and cuffs. It has an exposed rose gold zipper in the back. Horrors! But I’ve gotten a few compliments!

    • Not that Anne, the other Anne :

      Burgundy button down shirt, patterned black pants, and black leather boots. The black pants look like they just have pinstripes from far away, but there are more subtle horizontal lines in the pattern as well. It pleases me that I’m essentially wearing graph paper.

      • I usually skip over these threads but I’m glad I didn’t today, your comment made me laugh. Maybe this is why I like windowpane patterns so much?

    • Black Old Navy jersey swing dress and perforated suede ankle booties. My office is “business casual” (really casual) and it is too warm for winter clothes today.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Charcoal Halogen pantsuit with a peplum jacket, BR lightweight pink sweater, little silk scarf, pewter block-heel loafer-y pumps, Ted Baker black handbag with floral photographic pattern and rose gold hardware (waving at suburban!). I had to be out of the house early and heeded Kat’s advice that a pantsuit is sometimes the easiest outfit to toss on and go.

    • Anonymous :

      Feeling under the weather today so black Express slacks (forget which ones) that feel like pajamas, olive green Everlane terry cloth sweater (I swear you can’t tell its terry cloth from if you’re more than 6 inches away), black MMLF Woolf Jardigan. I look

    • Kasper sheath with matching jacket + suede Franco Sarto pumps that were a pick on here last winter + sedate jewelry. And hose because federal court.

  11. Anonymous :

    Recommendations for an alarm clock? I constantly sleep through my multiple cell alarms. Has anyone tried a light alarm? Maybe I should just get an old school one that is loud and requires getting out of bed to shut off.

    • I have a Lumie Bodyclock Active 250. It has changed my mornings. Seriously. I can now wake up effectively. It can be a pita to program the first few times–don’t throw out the book!–but it will become second nature.

      Has a sunrise wakeup, radio, nature sounds, you name it. My one misgiving about it is that in order to turn the illumination of the clockface off, you have to turn the alarm on. Which is fine most days, but if I want to sleep in I have to set the alarm for much later than usual (no big deal), or if I’m traveling, my DH has to remember to push the alarm button so it is activated (thereby turning off the clock illumination).

      • Oh, this plus two dogs that get bouncy if the alarms are going off and I’m still sleeping…grrr.

    • There is one on wheels that takes off through your house and you have to chase it to turn it off. Might be a good option.

    • When I really have to get up, I plug my phone in on the opposite side of the room. I also set multiple alarms (like, set one on Alexa + my phone.)

      I have a wakeup light and it doesn’t make a huge difference unless, again, I physically have to get out of bed to turn it off.

    • Old-fashioned, but it works: a clock radio. In my younger years, I chose whatever music I wanted to listen to, but now I choose NPR. I can’t sleep through someone talking – my ears automatically listen and then my mind engages with the story. It’s also a much more pleasant way to wake-up – gradually, with a professional voice vs. something blaring at me. (I set the radio to come on about 15-20 minutes early and then set my phone to go off when I really need to get up.)

      PS – I prefer ones with red displays instead of blue displays because they’re less bright at night.

    • I have no experience with them, but I’ve seen ads for floormats with alarms in them that won’t turn off until you physically stand on them.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Alarmy, an app (maybe iOS only), which makes you take a photo or scan a barcode or shake it or do math problems. Take a photo that’s very far from your bed (or scan something far from your bed). It won’t turn off until you do it. I set it to scan my coffee machine’s barcode because if I’m standing there, the motivation is there to start my coffee.

      • Do math problems before coffee??? That is inhumane, and I like math.

        • Sloan Sabbith :

          Yeah, it’s terrible. I’m not good at math, but you’d better believe having to add 27, 18, and 7 together before I’m fully awake wakes me up, especially knowing that if I don’t get it in 20 seconds I have to start over and it’s loud and annoying.

    • I have the Philips light alarm. The light is great but the alarm tones are too “soothing” for a heavy sleeper like me. I tried to choose the most annoying tone, but even then I definitely need my phone (across the room) as a backup. And even then I managed to sleep in by ~ 20 minutes this morning :(

      • Mary Ann Singleton :

        Haha, I have this and I thought the seagull sound would be too soothing for me, but it turns out it’s annoying enough to wake me up and want to turn it off right away. Only once or twice have I kept sleeping and dreaming that I was by the seaside. :)

        • Hahaha my husband has a “soothing” track he listens to for sleeping. His latest favourite is a thunderstorm and fire. Once I woke up at night in a panic thinking the house was on fire. It was really scary and disorienting. Not annoying enough for a regular alarm, but it was sure hard to get back to sleep on that one occasion…

  12. Ugh -- my tummy makes me look pregnant :

    I thought I looked pregnant in Boden dresses, but it turns out that I just look pregnant (which I never noticed until my SIL shared some picks from our recent visit last month). I’m not pregnant.

    I’m 5-4, 125 pounds, most of which seems to be in my gut. Per my OB, no fibroids.

    Is there a fitness fix to this?

    This didn’t used to be an issue. I suspect that while my weight is pretty static, I’ve soften up (quite) a bit now that I’m in my early 40s and largely desk-bound. I know people tought weights as a way to get in better shape, but is that going to help with this.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I had this issue before I learned I have to eat dairy free and gluten free. I had to have all of my pants taken in after making the switch. I lost inches but not pounds. It was all bloat.

      • This is what I fear. I have the same issue as OP, and I’m fairly tiny in stature. I have softened, but on the whole don’t have much belly fat- I suspect it’s all bloat. I don’t eat a ton of bread but cheese is a mainstay of my diet…. both because I am obsessed and also cause it’s a quick hit of fat and protein which gets me through life. What to do.

      • Ugh -- my tummy makes me look pregnant :

        Is this true? And could it be one or the other that made the difference?

        I don’t eat a ton of gluten and for dairy I’m frequently a yogurt-for-breakfast girl and will put cheese on my bean burrito for lunch.

        [If it’s bloat = air, would gas-x help? maybe bloat from beans???]

        help me interweb friends — i feel like i should know how bodies work

        • I have Celiac and any amount of gluten makes me blow up like this; literally, one crouton hiding in a salad and my pants don’t fit for 2-3 days. I tolerate dairy just fine. So yes, it can be one or the other. Gas X and other remedies have no impact on it.

          If it is something like beans, Beano before eating can help. But I’ve found that kind of bloat lasts a few hours, as opposed to the persistent issue cause by a gluten issue.

        • Anon in NYC :

          When I hit my 30s I developed mild lactose intolerance. I was going through a period of eating cereal with milk for breakfast and looked pregnant, despite being very active and otherwise eating a reasonable amount of food. I cut out dairy entirely and my stomach shrank. As I’ve added dairy back in, I’ve realized that I can still eat small quantities of cheese but milk and yogurt are no-gos for me. I’ve switched to almond milk and coconut yogurt (and actual vastly prefer coconut yogurt to regular yogurt!).

          I also bloat/retain water when I eat carbs like pasta and bread. I still eat them, but just less frequently.

        • Blonde Lawyer :

          I have Crohns and always blamed the bloat on that. I knew I was lactose intolerant since early 20’s but would eat it with lactaid. That stopped me from getting physically ill but I would still get bloated. I never went into full remission either. My doc suggested an elimination diet in 2011. I cut out all gluten then and noticed an almost immediate difference. Several years later, 2014 maybe?, I was diagnosed with another disease where milk proteins are a suspected trigger. I then had to go completely dairy free, no whey or casein. I saw the biggest change in my stomach and waist when I went gluten free in 2011. Since being off both 100% if I accidentally get any, I instantly know it by the bloating I get. I’ve been tested a few times pre gluten free for Celiac and was negative, including the genetic test, but I have all the symptoms and react so drastically to gluten (even when I don’t know it’s there, so it’s not a placebo effect) that I’ve stayed gluten free and stayed in Crohn’s remission since. It’s not for everyone and really only matters if you are having health issues. I’d say extreme bloat is a health issue though.

          One thing to check is how you look first thing in the morning or after a day of fasting. I never fasted intentionally but sometimes I was in court and then meetings and didn’t get a chance to eat until 2pm and I realized my stomach was totally flat and my pants were falling down. The days I ate, I had a belly. That wasn’t the weight of that one meal, it was my body reacting to something.

        • One thing I wonder with elimination diets is whether you slim down b/c you are just eating less.

          I could give up cheese and pasta. I’d definitely slim down (and I slim down in the stomach first), but I might assume it was for the wrong reason. [I am 100% sure I couldn’t sustain a pasta-free life over the long term and life without cheese . . . it’s almost too much to contemplate.]

          Like Bill Clinton is a lot (a lot!) thinner after becoming a vegan. I think it’s that he’s eating a lot less overall. My husband is toying with being at least vegetarian (or eating less meat) just for this reason. I fear that he will just go to eating a very bad diet and being just as large (we have a vegan friend (converted b/c of a girlfriend) who gained weight due to binging on Fritos and potato chips b/c he is so hungry all the time and isn’t keeping anything that offends her in the house anymore)).

          How are you sure about correlation / causation where you are doing an elimination diet (but also eating less overall)?

          • Anonymous :

            It’s pretty to tell the difference between fat gain and bloating once you realize what’s happening. Be a skeptic all you want, but if you haven’t experienced this for yourself, you probably don’t get it. Also, what other people choose to eat doesn’t affect you, and isn’t really any of your business. You get that, right?

          • Blonde Lawyer :

            I’m certain for two reasons. One, I still eat as much, just different things. There are tons of gluten free dairy free products now and many of them are high calorie / high fat. Even Ben and Jerry’s has a line now. I switched from eating a bag of pretzels a week to eating a bag of tortilla chips. I frequently have an egg sandwich on two gluten free waffles instead of on an english muffin. I don’t think I’m saving much in calories there and I’m probably having more sugar. I still had pumpkin pie and blueberry pie and whipped cream and ice cream and mashed potatoes and stuffing at dinner. They just were all gf/df. I was stuffed, and a little bloated because I ate a ton but I didn’t look pregnant and it didn’t last days.

          • Blonde Lawyer :

            Oops. Forgot to include the second reason. When I accidentally eat it, even a little, I bloat right back up.

          • People totally slim down on elimination diets because they aren’t eating their favorite foods, because they aren’t sure what to eat, or because they miss social opportunities to eat when there’s nothing available that fits their new diet.

            But that’s actual fat weight, not GI bloating. The “one crouton” thing is real.

      • I rarely eat much dairy, but everything I made for Thanksgiving had butter, whole milk, cream or cheese in it… I’ve looked 4 months pregnant since Thursday night. Yesterday was my first day without T-day leftovers and I was dramatically slimmer this morning. I think as we age our bodies do get more sensitive to these things.

      • Yup. I am not Celiac, I have IBS-C and any gluten at all blows me up like a balloon (in addition to causing me several days of pain and embarrassing bathroom problems). It will also sometimes happen to me if I’m having a flare and I eat too many raw vegetables – especially things like raw kale, spinach, broccoli, etc. FYI, this happened to me for years before I was diagnosed. So if you have other digestive issues that seem persistent and are bothering you, go to your doctor. I’m not on systemic meds for my IBS at the moment, but they helped a ton to get me back on track right after I got diagnosed.

    • Some people are just built like this. I have always looked about 5-6 months pregnant and so has my mom, even though we are otherwise slim (I have a BMI that is the low end of normal/borderline underweight). Ironically, when I was pregnant, I wasn’t noticeably pregnant until I was about 7 months along and I never got really huge. I’m not sure if that’s just coincidence or related to the fact that I have such a large/prominent gut to begin with.

    • In addition to Blonde Lawyer, drinking more water and all around doing more strength training, especially wrt core and upper body can help reshape you with no weight loss.

      If you’re trying to figure out what is causing your bloat, doing a Whole30 then slowly introducing foods helps. That’s how I learned I can’t do walnuts or Brussels Sprouts (really sad about the latter).

    • I just started HIIT for this reason because research suggests it is effective at burning fat around the midsection. My doctor’s suggestion was to get rid of Mirena.

      • Endometriosis :

        I’ve gained 1lb per 1mg of norethindrone that I’m taking continuously to suppress my period. Hello 15 lb weight gain. Now that I’ve upped to 20mg, I’m really going to enjoy those extra 5lb. Not.

      • You can’t target fat loss areas, where you lose it first is based on genetics. Your “research” is bunk.


          • Cornellian. :

            Good response :)

          • Not Anon @ 12:21 :

            Eh – the section on abdominal fat referenced one study on “untrained young women” (so not athletes) that already “possessed low levels of abdominal fat” and either 12 or 15 (per figure) weeks of HIIT led to a 0.12kg (1/3 lb) reduction in abdominal fat and a 2 kg reduction (4.5 lbs) in overall fat.

            To me, that sounds like HIIT causes you to burn fat, including abdominal fat, but not more abdominal fat than anywhere else. And even the conclusion said that that abdominal/subcutaneous fat stuff needs more study.

            So…this “research’, which was a summary of other studies, is inconclusive at best.

          • Anonymous :

            That study doesn’t actually say that HIIT is more effective at targeting mid-section fat. It says that HIIT is more effective than steady state exercise at burning fat overall. So…unresponsive?

  13. AnonMomPhi :

    My boss told me last week that I seem not to like being an attorney because I am not confrontational or aggressive enough to pursue what we need from clients or opposing counsel. I work in transactional law and do mostly drafting. I feel like crap and now wish I had gone to beauty school instead of law school. I am also underpaid so my motivation to do a good job is low. How do I bounce back??Do you have any books, articles, TED talks, suggestions, advice?

    For those of you in management positions, how do you stay strong and firm?Thanks.

    • This is a load of crap. There is more than one negotiation style, and particularly in transactional work, pounding the table and screaming on conference calls can be incredibly ineffective. Why are you letting one person’s view get to you like this? Pick yourself up and know that you don’t need to be like he says to be a solid transactional attorney…at all.

      • This is important though: I am not confrontational or aggressive enough to pursue what we need from clients or opposing counsel

        How about editing that down to: I am not GETTING what we need from clients or opposing counsel

        Either work on persuading people that they can give your clients what they want (preferred) or persuading your boss / clients that what they “need” is out of market or not realistic (do not ever try this unless you are sure you are right about this)

        • Cornellian. :

          Agreed on editing what the boss said to get at what his/her real concern is. The armchair psychology is a bit obnoxious, but I imagine the boss has an actual business concern that you can consider and figure out how/whether to address.

        • Agree with this. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater here if your boss has a legitimate complaint about your work.

      • Yup, it’s a load of (very sexist) crap. I got this comment from a couple people early in my Big Law days. I was in litigation and it was suggested that I might be happier in transactional work because I was not “tough” enough for litigation. I was very sad and discouraged for a while but I stuck it out, and went on to spend 6 years as a very successful litigator at that firm, eventually taking and defending depositions, doing hearings, interacting with opposing counsel by myself, etc.

        If they can point to specific documents you didn’t get or some other way you’ve objectively failed your client, then that’s obviously a different story. But there are lots of different successful negotiation and litigation styles, and often you get more flies with honey than vinegar. IME a generic “you’re not aggressive enough” comment has no relevance to your work product and is super, super gendered. I worked with plenty of nice guys who were more introverted and soft-spoken and no one ever told them they weren’t aggressive enough as long as they got the job done. Whereas I would say at least half the women I worked with were told they weren’t tough or aggressive enough, despite excellent work product (and most of the ones who weren’t labeled as not aggressive enough were told they were “difficult” or “not a team player” — women truly cannot win!)

        • This, especially on the double bind — for some people, either you are not aggressive enough or your are a B.

          On the business side, if this really is an issue, i.e. clients are not getting at least some of what they realistically want, or even if you just need to change a perception, consider a negotiation seminar to bolster what is a “soft” skill that generally is not taught in school so that you can show demonstrated effort to overcome the alleged issue.

          On the personal side, you need to figure out your personal style and explain that you have the skills and manage those issues in X way. Some people are “tough” and “aggressive”, but I accomplish more by building collaborative relationships with opposing counsel and by using humor. You do you and make it work for you.

    • Well, first of all, do you like being an attorney, or at least spending your days being one? If the answer is yes, I think you need to find a new lawyer job. If your boss doesn’t appreciate what you bring to the table, find a boss who does.

    • Have you read Quiet? She’s a transactional attorney and talks about how she developed her style. I’m sorry your boss is narrow minded. There are many ways to be an effective attorney, and typically speaking, being an aggressive, abrasive jerk isn’t one of them.

  14. Toiletries bag :

    Recommendations for a good toiletries bag for travel? I need something I can put into a suitcase. I prefer soft-sided/squishable, and it doesn’t have to be that large. I basically need it to hold 2 compacts, a bunch of brushes/mascara and some random small things like tweezers and contacts.

    Right now, I use a really old Muji bag which basically looks like a large pencil case with 2 zipper pockets. It’s not bad, but things tend to get mixed around.

    Budget is pretty much limitless for the right bag.

    • Not Martha :

      Pottery Barn has great toiletry bags. Squishy but coated so that if anything spills your luggage isn’t messed up.

    • You may be in the market for something fancier/higher quality, but I’ve had this bag set for 2 years and I luuuurve it. I use the smaller one for brushes and put it in the larger one. It’s been squished into suitcases, backpacks, you name it and kept its shape remarkably well. Also, both the interior and exterior wipe clean.

    • I have had a Lands End one for – not kidding – like 20 years. They are fabulous.

    • I bought the Tumi Monaco recently, & like it. It has some nice features.

    • I really like the Scout bags (you can order from them online or I’ve seen them in person at various gift shops).

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      I really like the LLBean toilet kits that unfold to hang on the door/towel bar. Mine got kind of grody because I was too cheap to buy the properly waterproof shampoo bottles and they leaked, but I machine-washed it and that made a big difference. I love being able to keep things organized in transit–throwing everything in a pouch loose drives me nuts.

  15. Not Martha :

    I’m hosting a small party and serving mini sandwiches. Is this something that I’m better off ordering or making? It looks like a platter for 15 will run me about $150, give or take, from most catering places in my area. I’m a fairly proficient cook, although I confess that I don’t typically make sandwiches. My three concerns are (1) making the day easy; (2) not wasting money needlessly; and (3) having everything be tasty. Catering will definitely help with (1) but I am not sure about (2) and (3). Can anyone with experience in this sort of thing chime in?
    PS: To the extent it matters, there will be both veggie and non-veggie folks in attendance, as well as some kids, so a variety is necessary whichever option I choose.

    • Have you looked at party platters from Whole Foods or another grocery store? They usually have similar platters for much cheaper.

      • Not Martha :

        It’s $119 for a platter of sandwiches for 16 people at WF. The other size option serves 8 for $65, which may be enough since a bit less some of the guests are kids but I would rather not be stingy with food and have people feel like they can’t have an extra helping. When I say $150, I’m rounding up. The main place I have in mind will actually be either $125-147 depending on how much I order. To be honest, I haven’t been impressed with the Costco/Whole Foods platters I’ve had in the past, and the other place makes legitimately yummy sandwiches and are much more customizable than WF: they have more veggie options, more kid friendly options, etc. It’s really important to me that the sandwiches are delicious which is why I would be willing to make them myself if that would be better. I honestly just don’t know what would be the better result.

    • I’m that person who’s always entertaining. If by mini sandwiches, you mean really mini, here are some ideas that I use multiple times a year with great success:

      Option 1: Open-faced bites using [email protected] bread from the deli (I use Rubschlager bread). 3/4 lb of thinly shaved meat from the deli will make about 30 mini sandwiches.

      flavor 1: pumpernickel, optional schmear of mayo, turkey, a dab of cranberry sauce
      flavor 2: rye with roast beef and horseradish sauce (Dietz & Watson London Broil is soooo good for this)

      Option 2: Yeast rolls with ham or pork and Jezebel sauce. I use Sister Schubert’s Parker House frozen rolls – they come 16 to a tin – and you bake them and then slice them in half. Use either Kentucky Legend ham or pork tenderloin (the easiest is McCormick’s Bag and Season Herb Pork Tenderloin).

      I can’t speak to veggie sandwiches, though an olive spread sounds good to me.

    • Do you have a Whole Foods? I’ve ordered tea sandwiches from there, I think for a lot less than that, but it’s been a few years. Making enough for 15 day-of is a project I’d be willing to pay more to outsource.

    • Making finger sandwiches is extremely easy if you have soft bread and a sharp knife. I tend to host “teas” for most celebrations, and would make anywhere from 3 to 6 trays of finger sandwiches myself for those events. My usual fillings are: cucumber and cream cheese, egg mayonaise, salmon mayonaise, cheese and tomato, and cheese and ham. They are much, much better if made the day of, so depending on what time your party is, you may not prefer being up at 6am to make sandwiches.

      • Not Martha :

        How much does that usually cost you? I’m wondering if price ends up being a wash once you buy all the different ingredients.

        • lawsuited :

          Maybe CAD$50? I don’t have to buy all the ingredients every time (e.g. I probably already have butter, mayonaise and maybe eggs or cheese in the fridge), but aside from the canned salmon the ingredients are really basic so it’s really not an expensive enterprise.

    • Make Ham and cheese sliders on Hawaiian rolls and put in the oven for the non-vegetarians. For the vegetarians, make some caprese sandwiches (mozzarella, tomato, basil) with some bread from the bakery section of your grocery store sliced, rubbed with garlic and olive oil, and toasted (or with optional balsamic spread or olive tapenade spread.) If you want to fill it out more, you can order the Chick fil a nugget platter and fries for the kids, have a cheese platter, or a fruit or vegetable platter.

  16. Baconpancakes :

    Of course, my jeans ripped the day after Cyber Monday sales.

    Anyone have suggestions for high waisted straight-leg black jeans with a curvey cut? Does that even exist? The ones that ripped were from Target, not high waisted enough for me, but might repurchase anyway.

    • NYDJ

    • Try the Lee Rebound jeans – I buy skinny but they have a straight cut that looks nice. They fit my super curvy body like they’ve been tailored. they are called mid rise, but they are pretty high (in a good way). The pocket placement is amazing for a curvy rear.

    • Frozen Peach :

      I actually love the black color Jennifer Lopez high-waisted jeans from Kohl’s. They don’t last, but at their price point they are basically disposable when they wear out, and they are cut surprisingly well.

    • Mrs. Jones :

      Jag Peri pull-on jeans, which I read about here

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Old Navy has these high waisted “built in sculpt” jeans that are awesome. I don’t think anything is actually sculpted, but they sit at my true waist, are decently stretchy but hold their shape, etc.

    • I was surprisingly pleased by Madewell’s high rise jeans – they’re really thick, comfortable, and suck you in beautifully. Plus they seem to run large – I normally take anywhere from a 27-28 in jeans and I waffle between a 25/26 in these.

    • Panda Bear :

      They are not marketed as curvy cut, the but madewell skinny high risers (9 inch rise) fit my extremely pear shaped body quite well. I like the lunar wash – slightly distressed black. (There is a darker inky black wash as well, but that fabric attracted too much lint.) I still need a belt to keep them from sliding down over the course of the day, but that’s the case with any jeans for me.

    • Wit and Wisdom at Nordstrom

    • Uniqlo! If you have a store near you all the better because they do free hemming.

    • Try Democracy, ABsolution! Size down.

    • Anonymous :

      Nordstrom brand Treasure & Bond. Really good.

  17. Where are the cute holiday outfits?! BR and AT usually fit me pretty well but I can’t find anything remotely festive that would be appropriate for office parties/family gatherings. Boden has some cute options but doesn’t tend to fit me that well. Help!

  18. Thanks all for the recommendations of maryjane style pumps to wear with navy tights.

    I tried to Cole Haan style, and they were so pretty, but the reviews were right. The ankle straps are way too short, even for my fairly normal ankles.

    I ended up buying the Eileen Fisher Mary Dorsay pump, I will try to post a link but it’s a pretty cute shoe

  19. Does anyone have any items from the Kowtow Building Blocks set of clothes? Considering buying but would love personal experiences. I love the oversized look but it’s hard to determine how the clothes might look in person. Thanks!

  20. Jeans Style :

    I’m planning to buy some jeans during the holiday sales. Are trends changing and skinny jeans going out of style? I’m looking for something polished to wear to my very casual business casual office.

    • I think you’re better off with straight leg with a higher rise.

    • For casual weekend looks, I’ve been wearing my straight leg jeans more often than my skinnies lately. Since we aren’t wearing tall boots as much anymore, I’ve been feeling something just a bit wider at the ankle. I still find myself reaching for my skinnies for dressier situations.

  21. conflict check :

    when do firms usually start the conflict check for laterals? I haven’t even had my second interview yet but got the documents for conflict check. I’m worried that something about the check will tip off my current employer that I’m interviewing and … what if ultimately i don’t get the job?

    • Conflicts check forms should be for the internal use of the hiring firm- they shouldn’t involve contacting your current firm. You can always ask for clarification and confirmation. This does seem a little early- mine have always been towards the end when an offer seems imminent assuming you clear the background check and conflicts. It can take some time to get those processed/worked out and you may need to do some information gathering on your end. Also is the field small or do they represent competitors of your existing clients? Do they anticipate that you have a conflict that may take some effort to work throught?

  22. Looking for support after sending a loved one to rehab (addiction – non-opioid, not alcohol) this week. Feeling all the feelings: guilt, sadness, anger, fear.

    I found navigating the process hard confusing and am worried that my family might have been oversold on the place we chose. While I know rehab isn’t likely to be a relaxing spa vacation, that is secretly what I wanted (I am sure we all do).

    If anyone is willing to share or email privately about their experiences, I would appreciate it. Also seeking recommendations for appropriate group support if anyone has experience to share.

    • Having had a family member deal with this for many years (alcohol), nice is not a requirement for success. Sometimes tough love is actually more important. Don’t feel bad about the lack of yoga.

    • Los Angeles Deposition :

      I’m going to be attending (not defending) a deposition in LA next month. What do I wear? At my old litigation job in the midwest, my boss insisted “no suits for depositions!” for comfort, and because if I showed up in a suit I would look like I wasn’t in the know. Is that the same across the board? Would a structured, long sleeved dress in a dark color + black pumps be appropriate, or should I do a blazer over a dress?

    • Frozen Peach :

      Hugs. This is really hard.

      I cannot recommend enough that you check out an Al-Anon meeting and/or books by Melody Beattie. I’ve also found books by John and Linda Friel to be very helpful.

      My best advice is to embrace the time to reevaluate your own boundaries in relation to this loved one and whether you need to make any changes on your side of the street. And to be really gentle with yourself.

      When I had a friend in inpatient treatment, non-caffeine herbal tea was really welcomed at visiting day as something to bring, as were blank composition books.

      • I will definitely check out the book recs and am hoping to find a meeting soon. I won’t be able to visit while she is in-patient but have plans to see her at the holidays assuming she is home by then. I have been told I can only send letters and postcards but will ask about the composition books. That is a wonderful idea!

    • Yes! Hi, right over here! The guilt was unbearable at times. One of the therapists treating my mom asked me to write a letter telling her how her addiction has affected my life. It felt brutal, but it was a relief to finally be able to tell her while she was under supervision.

      The facility was reputable, expensive, gorgeous stately buildings, and guess what? They had bedbugs. My mom survived. Actually, she did better than survive. She got sober. It actually worked for her, so I’m hoping it does for your person as well. Treat yourself kindly. It feels awful to do, but I’m sure you’ve already tried everything else with no results. I know I did. Wishing you and your loved one all the best with this.

      • I am hopeful this will work. I have already been thinking about her re-entry. I am not local to her or the facility and have been doubting myself, my lack of research/knowledge about the process. These places are so expensive. There is no price on recovery, of course. The anecdote about your mom is one I will hold on to – thank you!

    • Anonymous :

      Rehab is not a spa. You should be glad about that. It’s hard work.

    • Been there with my dad and a beloved aunt. Things that have really helped me:

      – Individual therapy was the most helpful thing for me. More helpful than al-anon, though that was helpful too.
      – Reading about the concept of boundaries and assertiveness. Part of co-dependence is having no boundaries and basically acting like a doormat all the time to protect the addict from facing consequences of their behavior. So developing a boundary or letting them face consequences feels like you’re doing something “bad”. You are not. It is helping both you and them grow. We talked about that in therapy.
      – My aunt complained incessantly about her (really nice, expensive) rehab experience. She was super mad about the food, hated everything, complained about there being paper napkins. (eyeroll). But you know what?
      She’s been sober for a year and half now, has a job, and is doing pretty well, all things considered.
      – My dad didn’t really talk much about his experience, but IMO he didn’t stay in long enough. He started drinking again and we no longer have a relationship because I need to protect myself from the crazy.

      It’s really weird when they get out. People are kind of stuck at the age they were when they developed the addiction. My aunt was in college when she started having issues. So even though she’s in her mid 50s, she has the maturity level and impulse control of a 20 year old. She’s kind of a disaster, but at least she’s not drunk all the time.

      • I really appreciate the input. We are all getting caught up in what we thought we could expect – more privacy, etc. but I don’t want us to chicken out because she is uncomfortable. Of course she is. She is in detox. We didn’t expect to be able to get phone calls from her and I think it is making it harder. There is the temptation to rescue. I have suggested meetings, therapy, etc. to others close to the situation and they are considering it. I want to continue to encourage to avoid the rescue mentality.

        • Frozen Peach :

          You do not have to answer those phone calls. I’m really surprised they aren’t limiting her phone access— that’s super standard.

  23. B-day ideas for angsty teen? :

    I have a daughter turning 16 on Friday and she’s had a rough first semester of her sophomore year – think normal teen girl drama times 10 with friends. Heavy academic schedule and dance performances on Friday and Saturday. An introvert who doesn’t like a lot of attention. I want to do something to make this birthday special for her but anything involving too much food is out due to two friends struggling with eating disorders. I’ve thought of filling her room with balloons before I wake her up on Friday and a small celebration for the performers after the dance on Friday. I’m open to any ideas of how to try to make this day meaningful and special but still kind of quiet … HELP!

    • Flats Only :

      Dinner out/in with just your family on Sunday night? If she doesn’t like a lot of attention, and her friends create drama, perhaps leave them out of the equation. Has she expressed any interest in a big celebration? If not why force it on her, especially when her friends issues will limit what you can do. (Although I’m honestly confused about the eating disorders – wouldn’t seeing eating as a normal form of celebration and a normal activity be a good thing?)

    • At that age, I think quiet one-on-one time was often my favorite thing. Could you take her for manicures/pedicures and out for tea/coffee or something somewhere nice after the Saturday performance? That could be just the two of you, or with her friends. Could you get her tickets for a dance performance and go with her (and bring her friends depending on price)? Something that feels a bit grown up but not in a party-party way?

      • My favorite bdays growing up were ones with just my mom – a day at the Biltmore (we lived a couple hours away) and seeing a production of Annie. Both felt special but not over the top.

    • Frozen Peach :

      You are such a great mom!

      I think a celebration with all the performers after the dance might be risky, if your daughter doesn’t like attention. But just providing cupcakes or some small treat to recognize would be much lower-key.

      I think receiving tickets to the ballet, where she can bring a friend, would be a really nice way to recognize this birthday. Do you live in an area with a professional ballet company? Or could you turn it into a weekend “experience” gift for her and a friend? One of my besties gives her kids the choice of a party or a weekend trip with one friend every year, and has loved the outcome. As they get older, her kids tend to prefer the special trips. And they don’t have to be costly– she usually goes somewhere a few hours’ drive away at most.

      • Perfect idea to take daughter and one or two friends to a professional performance. My daughter absolutely loves doing this.

      • Anonymous :

        If she has friend issues though, make it clear you’d be delighted to go with her. I went through several stretches in high school where I wouldn’t have had a close friend I wanted to take to the ballet and a gift like this would have just made me feel bad about myself unless my mom had been explicit “You can take someone else, but I’d also love to go as your +1.”

    • If she’s had friend drama, I’d avoid trying to involve her friends in the celebration. At that age, I loved just doing stuff one-on-one with my mom – could you treat her to an afternoon of shopping or a night at the theater or something like that? Alternatively, just ask what she’d like to do? She’s old enough to know how she’d most like to spend the day.

    • Fancy dinner out with one or two friends, plus manicures.

    • lawsuited :

      Plan a special day for you and her. If friends and school are getting her down, it’ll be nice to remind her that you and home are always a safe, soft place to land.

    • i love the idea of you putting balloons in her room. my parents got me balloons every year for my bday, which i loved. taking just her or a few friends for manicures was also always fun. echoing some others though – have you asked your daughter whether she wants to celebrate her bday with friends?

    • OP here. Thanks for the ideas, I’ve got tickets for Philobolus and we’ll have a mom/daughter dinner evening. Still working on whether to do something with friends. I had a really disappointing 16th birthday with parents going through a nasty divorce so I’m probably projecting and making a bigger deal out of this than necessary. Two older boys did not prepare me for some of the girl drama …

  24. Los Angeles Deposition :

    I’m going to be attending (not defending) a deposition in LA next month. What do I wear? At my old litigation job in the midwest, my boss insisted “no suits for depositions!” for comfort, and because if I showed up in a suit I would look like I wasn’t in the know. Is that the same across the board? Would a structured, long sleeved dress in a dark color + black pumps be appropriate, or should I do a blazer over a dress?

    • Senior Attorney :

      I’d do the blazer, if only because in Los Angeles the a/c is always freezing, even in December.

      • Los Angeles Deposition :

        Thank you! But it’s OK if it’s something like the grey blazer/black dress combo Sloan is talking about above, right?

        • With few exceptions, only baby lawyers in Southern California wear suits to depositions. Either a dress or blazer/dress would be appropriate. I do not have the experience of the A/C always being too high, but I run hot.

          But be sure you check the weather. If it is 95 degrees out, you will not want to be in a long-sleeved dark colored dress. The temperature range can be pretty extreme this time of year.

          • Los Angeles Deposition :

            Thank you! The “only baby lawyers wear suits to depositions” thing has been my experience in the Midwest, but I didn’t want to misstep if things were different here. I really appreciate the info!

        • Senior Attorney :

          Yes, non-matching dress and blazer are more than fine.

    • Anonymous :

      I’ve mentioned here before that I was chastised for wearing a suit when I visited our LA office. It was explained to me that business attire is much more casual there, in a way that was instructive, not just lightly informative. Court would be different; a deposition is not.

    • biglawanon :

      While I generally agree with what people are saying here, it could also depend on your client. I am in LA, and we have had several very conservative clients and we lady lawyers would wear court attire for every depo and meeting: dark skirt suit, light colored shell/blouse, pantyhose, and plain black heels..

  25. I’m going to be staffing an event in Los Angeles later this week and am packing my bag — sheath dress + jacket, do I do tights or hose? I feel like hose look “stuffy” but I’ve heard it’s supposed to be in the 70s so tights seem off to this DC girl? (I am mostly concerned about being cold since I’ll be in meeting venues like hotels the whole time, not with covering my legs or anything!)

    • Senior Attorney :

      Bare legs.

      • Anonymous :

        I’m afraid I’ll freeze! But if Senior Attorney says so, so it will be. ;)

        • Senior Attorney :

          Ha! Nobody here wears sheer hose or tights. If you want to punt, wear pants.

          • Anonymous :

            I look forward to returning the sheer hose and buying some cozy socks for winter instead ;)

        • biglawanon :

          People in my LA office wear tights when it is cold. But if you are going to be mostly inside, bare legs should be fine. Although it is borderline cold enough for me to wear tights. I wore them yesterday, but not today.

          • shamlet96 :

            same, i work in LA and women wear tights regularly through the winter (including me, today).

  26. My decades-long hatred of Garrison Keillor is even more justified today! It’s been a bad day for creepy a$$holes and a good day for the rest of the world!

  27. I need advice, support etc.

    I just moved to a new JX recently and am basically the trial coordinator for our small firm. Trial starts tomorrow and I have no “proper suits”. I have a number of jackets that I would mix and match with other things in my wardrobe when i practiced in my previous JX. Previous JX was pretty casual and throwing on a blazer was usually sufficient, I am now in a big JX and worried that I am going to look unprofessional at trial.
    I am not licensed in this state so will be doing a lot of behind-the-scenes research/drafting but am also the “tech coordinator” so will be in court for the entire trial (probably a week or so). I did try on clothes over the weekend but NOTHING fits and I dont want to buy a bunch of ill-fitted clothes in a panic.

    I’ll be fine with my not-matched suits as long as I have a suit jacket and professional clothing, right? No one cares what I am going to be wearing, right? Do you advice I stick to my black suit jacket and various skirts/pants and keep it in the same color or do I have leeway to play with my neutrals (Grey jacket with a black pant, navy jacket with a black pant, black blazer with a dress etc)

  28. London Junior :

    I think every liberal woman is going to have trouble accepting the truth about one asshole, harassing man – mine is Garrison Keillor

    • Anonymous :

      Really? I always thought he was a weirdo perv just based on his radio show.

    • London Junior :

      I just saw the comment above. I don’t know if this was kind-of common knowledge but I knew nothing

    • I’m a card-carrying, NPR-listening liberal lady and I have hated Garrison Keillor and his stupid radio show for years. Have you read any of the incredibly myopic, navel-gazing essays he’s written? Including the most recent one defending Al Franken? Good bye and good riddance to that creep.

    • Senior Attorney :

      I always loved him but honestly I’m not super surprised.

    • Cornellian. :

      Agreed. No one I adore has gone down yet, but I’m prepared.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I am making myself safe by being pretty sure that All Men Are Trash (TM).

      I wouldn’t be surprised, I guess, if Tom Waits was outed as a Garbage Human, but it would really undermine my lullaby game.

      • Same. But seriously, none of my heroes are men, so I’m pretty safe at least on this issue. But nobody is ever perfect and I’m sure that includes the women I hold up as role models.

      • I’m don’t think All Men Are Trash (TM) but I’m fairly certain every man has said or done something to a woman in his life that would be considered sexual harassment or assault. They aren’t all serial @$$holes but they have all done something even if they didn’t realize at the time it was wrong.

        What scares me most are the guys that truly believe something was consensual when it wasn’t. I know a guy who has a job that required a polygraph that asked about things like sexual assault in his passed. He must have passed to have the job. Yet my best friend has been in therapy for years from what he did to her. He must truly believe he did nothing wrong.

        • Senior Attorney :

          This is so interesting and so true. Like stupid disgusting Charlie Rose and his “oh, I thought the interns were super into me” defense. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. And horrible disgusting Harvey Weinstein and his “I’m gonna rape you and then forcibly go down on you because I’m pretending that it’s consensual sex and I’m reciprocating.” So gross. So so so gross.

      • Lana Del Raygun :

        Tom Waits wouldn’t surprise me at all. He’s always given me a pervy vibe, like I’m at a dive bar and some chain-smoking old man is looking at my legs and asking me “How much, sweetheart?” And his album cover where he’s surrounded by depressed-looking strippers? Ugh.

    • Minnesotan :

      I loves Garrison Keillor and Al Franken, but I have to admit that I’m not all that surprised to hear about either of them. I’d never heard anything specific about Keillor, but he does have a much younger third wife and he definitely had a bit of the pervy, objectifying vibe.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        I’m playing a game (ugh, “game”) in my head of like, “Is there any man I could hear these allegations about and be surprised?” So far I’m coming up blank.

        • Obama. I’d be devastated.

          • Anonymous :

            I have a few that would devastate me. Obama. Lin Manuel Miranda. Seth Meyers.

        • Anonymous :

          Oh I had this convo with my SO (he actually brought it up) and he said pretty much the only one he could come up with is Barack Obama.

        • Anonymous :

          Barack Obama. Tim Kaine. John Kerry. Tom Hanks. To name a few.

          • Thanks for finding mine! Turns out it’s Tim Kaine. I’d be crushed.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Obama. And yet… really? So charistmatic, so powerful, so schmoozy. I’d be devastated but would I honestly be 100% shocked?

          Not Biden, for sure.

          My sweet husband is about the only person I can honestly come up with about whom I would be shocked and surprised as well as devastated. And my son.

        • Anonymous :

          Even though he’s a comedian and tv personality and involved in politics…

          Stephen Colbert would shock and crush me.

        • Anonymous :

          Keanu Reeves

        • Steve Carrell. Jon Stewart.

          • Anonymous :

            Jon Stewart would disappoint, but not surprise, me. He was so likethis with and defensive of Louis CK over the years, and Louis CK’s work always had a discernible undercurrent of sexism. Plus he hired Michael Che for the Daily Show, and there’s a man who really can’t get through a five-minute monologue without taking a shot at women as a group.

          • Anonymous :

            Yeah, Jon Stewart would not surprise me AT ALL.

        • Cornellian. :

          I have a few. A couple very close friends. Mr. Rogers.

    • Not ready to make nice :

      Much as it pains me to say this, I trust exactly four men right now: my husband, my dad, my brother, and my grandpa. And as a mom raising a boy — jeez, does it make me think hard about how to combat every other message he’s going to hear from society.

    • Lin-Manuel Miranda would break my heart.

      • Minnesotan :

        Agree on Lin-Manuel but can’t come up with many others. I think the problem is that almost everyone famous gets a little caught up in their own celebrity and even otherwise decent people end up seeing themselves as above other people.

        • Anonymous :

          This. You don’t ordinarily get to be famous or in a position of power without being a self-centered person who thinks the rules do not apply to himself or herself. This goes especially for politicians–not many good, decent people would be willing to put themselves and their families through the wringer that is our political process, so we mostly get power-hungry jerks in public office.

          • Rainbow Hair :

            Feels like I should whisper this, but I was also going through the men I know personally, regular folks, and there are very very very few about whom I would be totally shocked.

          • Lana Del Raygun :

            @ Rainbow Hair, yeah, I totally get that. There are definitely some men I’d be shocked by, but there is literally no one I’d categorically disbelieve allegations against, including my husband.

      • Senior Attorney :

        Okay, I’ll co-sign Lin Manuel.

    • lawsuited :

      The individual revelations can be tough, but my attitude overall remains “let them buuuuuuurrrrnnnnnn!”

    • If you need to cleanse your palate with a better, more charming radio show that also features a mix of storytelling and song, go listen to back episodes of The Vinyl Cafe. The host died earlier this year, so sadly, it’s over, but it’s absolutely wonderful. It is more bittersweet in tone and doesn’t feature the (in my view, cringeworthy) jokes that GK seemed to love. Also, Canadian.

      • Anonymous :


        Vinyl Cafe is the best. I love the books too. I loved them before I had kids and I can’t wait to reread them all now that I have kids.

    • Anonymous :

      What makes one not be surprised on hearing this about certain men, many of whom one does not even know personally? Some men I just figure I don’t want to know them. I felt that about Rose, Lauer, Keillor.

  29. Anonymous :

    My fiance’s twin got married this past weekend; the wife was a total B to pretty much everyone, but especially his parents, whom I adore. I think the twin did his best considering the situation, but he was also pretty inconsiderate and I’ve lost a lot of respect for him for letting his partner treat his friend and family that way. For instance, she insisted they hold the wedding outdoors, in late November, at night, and were too cheap to get heat lamps, so a bunch of people wound up sick from freezing outside. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

    Anyone have advice for how to deal with this and best support my fiance? I come from a dysfunctional family so it’s dredging up a lot of emotions for me.

    • Senior Attorney :

      There’s nothing for you to deal with. This is neither your circus nor your monkeys. If your fiance wants to talk about it, listen and make empathetic noises. Other than that, MYOB.

      • Senior Attorney :

        Also? Anybody who wanted to get heat lamps was presumably free to do so. Just sayin’. Please don’t put this all on her.

        • Anonymous :

          Yeah there’s a lot of sexism in the OP’s comment. Unless your in-laws offered to foot the bill for heat lamps and the bride was specifically the one who vetoed it, I’m not sure why this is on her. The *couple* didn’t want to spend the money on heat lamps, so blame the *couple*, not the bride. And honestly if the worst thing that happened at the wedding is that it was cold and there were no heat lamps, it doesn’t even sound like that big a deal. I have gone to a million weddings were very little emphasis was placed on the comfort of the guests. It would be great if that were a top priority for every bride and groom, but it’s definitely not.

        • No, not sexism. Bride and her parents are unemployed. Groom’s parents are not well off in the slightest and nearing retirement, but still offered their own property (free of charge, of course) and put down a good deal of their own money for the wedding. Groom makes pretty much minimum wage but paid for the rest of it out of pocket. Despite being unemployed, bride spent almost no time doing set up or coordination, and left all of it to either the overworked groom or his family. Then her bridesmaids left garbage all over the small family home, which they used to get ready. Groom’s father also cooked the entire rehearsal dinner and paid for that out of pocket.
          Groom and family did clean up the next day; bride was conveniently “under the weather” and did not assist.

          • Anonymous :

            It’s still not your circus, not your monkeys. Is your fiance upset about this? If he wants to talk about it, by all means listen to him and be supportive, but your soon-to-be BIL let it happen too. No one seems to have put their foot down about it, and it certainly is not your place to.

          • It sounds like they were perhaps not too cheap to get heat lamps but could not afford them. The twin maybe didn’t make a great pick but you seem overly invested in being angry on his behalf. If the groom is employed and he is marrying someone who is unemployed, it doesn’t seem odd to me that he would pay for most of the wedding. And there is no rule that family has to pay for anything. My husband and I paid for most of our wedding and we were 23 in grad school living on TA stipends.

            My SIL (husband’s sister) was married to an addict who did a lot of crazy and awful things, but my husband didn’t need support from me about it as it was his sister’s life and her choices, not his.

    • Anonymous :

      I would not judge the twin and his wife on the basis of the wedding. Weddings are just horrible ordeals all around. My BIL and SIL and their three children, all of whom I really like except the middle kid who is kind of a smug a$$hole, tortured their guests at all three kids’ weddings. Outdoor ceremony in 30 degree weather, not enough food at a single one of the weddings, demanding that the family stay in a really awful scary hotel, no tables and chairs at any of the receptions even for elderly relatives, no thank-you notes from two of the couples, the list goes on. Yet on any other day they are all perfectly lovely and generous people. Weddings just bring out the selfish crazy in everyone, and sometimes people make decisions about weddings (see no tables and chairs above) without thinking through the implications.

      • Blonde Lawyer :

        I want to hear more about this scary hotel! I’m thinking old haunted house scary not bad part of town scary.

        • Anonymous :

          Sadly, not old haunted house scary. More like possible crime scene scary. Exactly what were those stains on the walls?

    • This event is in the past. What exactly do you need help “dealing” with?

    • Senior Attorney :

      Okay, so I have a new answer:

      You deal with it by being lovely and welcoming to her (and her family if you see them again), and by being kind and loving to the twin.

    • Ok, sufficiently put in my place. Thank you for the somewhat-harsh unanimous feedback. I’ve never experienced profoundly inconsiderate wedding behavior before, but I guess it’s common and I shouldn’t extrapolate.

      • Anonymous :

        I think some of the responses are harsh. They exhibited poor behavior but try to let it go and give them the benefit of the doubt. Don’t let one event, even a major one, set the tone for the relationship.

        Consistent kindness to both them and your parents in law is the best route in this situation. The parents in law don’t need more drama by you trying to ‘fix’ the situation.

      • I went to an outdoor November wedding that included bologna sandwiches and one keg of beer for almost 200 people. The couple is genuinely nice, but they apparently thought it was more important to have a bunch of people in the freezing tent rather than fewer people properly fed and warmed.

        It is incredibly common and it’s not only the bride’s fault. Please watch yourself, your fiance and his/ her family for other signs that all emotional labor is a woman’s job, unless you’re cool with that as a default assumption. (Is any of the blame for the wedding on him and his lack of advocating for guest comfort? Are thank you notes her responsibility as well? Who did all the organizing and cooking for Thanksgiving? Who is buying all the presents for Christmas/ holidays? etc)

        • I can see how my post came off that way, but in this case the emotional (and physical) labor was ALL put on everyone but the bride- it’s hard to get the whole story in a quick summary post. She was unemployed but didn’t do any set up until the last minute, but also wouldn’t let anyone else do any set up in advance because it would ruin her “vision,” so the week prior was a mad scramble by everyone but her to get basic things in place. Everyone, groom and her own father included, begged her to move the wedding up by about 2 hours because the daytime weather was lovely but it dropped precipitously in the evenings, and she staunchly refused.
          People did get sick from shivering all night. Groom’s father cooked the entire rehearsal dinner and did most of the set up, clean up, etc. Groom’s father did all the child rearing, cooks dinner most nights, does much of the housework and cleaning, etc.

      • The thing is, the example you gave isn’t that inconsiderate. Maybe the iceberg has a bunch of other stuff, but a lack of heat lamps (assuming people knew the ceremony would be outside and could dress appropriately) isn’t it. And people don’t get sick from being cold.

        • Anonymous :


          I think it is clear you do not like this woman. But your complaints come off as being snooty and judgmental.

          Please do not accuse her of making people sick. You are displaying your ignorance. And this is your brother in law’s responsibility too.

          I’d let it go. Weddings often stink. Thank goodness they are brief. This woman may be part of your family for a lifetime.

      • I think you can hate on both of them for being inconsiderate but agree with the others that you don’t jump to the conclusion that it’s all the bride’s fault… even thought the term “bridezilla” is clever and is actually a perfect descriptor of a couple of b’s I personally know, it’s created this groupthink that everything bad about a wedding is automatically due to some raging ego trip on the part of the bride. It takes at least two people to have a wedding, so let’s assume both of them were at fault (even if one party’s fault was not speaking up.)

        • I should have been more specific in my post, that the advice I was looking for is how to deal with my emotional reaction of hating on them for being inconsiderate. I have a hard time not wearing my feelings on my sleeve; it’s a fault I have and I don’t want it to negatively impact my partner. But now I’m being jumped on for being s**ist? Ok, backing away from the internet for the day…

          • Anonymous :

            Feel your feelings, but realize it’s not about you. It seems that you are taking it a bit personal, when it has to do with them and not you. I recommend reading the book The Four Agreements to start.

      • Bah Humbug :

        Most people should rethink outdoor weddings. Out of maybe the 15 I’ve been to, only one was truly comfortable. They are inevitably either too hot, too cold, too windy, too buggy, too rainy, too polleny. A short ceremony outside or a cocktail hour outside is usually tolerable but when the whole affair is outside it’s generally uncomfortable in one way or another at some point throughout the night.

      • I don’t think the comments were harsh and I don’t think the behaviour was inappropriate. It was their wedding, they can do what they like. It’s not your problem, you don’t have anything to ‘deal’ with.

    • Anonymous :

      I dunno – about all I know from your examples is that the bride/groom aren’t great party planners (and may not have the greatest communication) but may have been doing the best they could under the circumstances. So, I probably wouldn’t let her plan any big parties, but continue to be as nice as possible to her.

      She’s part of your extended family now, so it’s in your interested to be nice, but without having a stake/opinion in her actions.

    • Frozen Peach :

      OP, I hear you. You’re asking for how to handle these feelings– whether or not they are “valid” or “appropriate.” I thought that was clear.

      Can you find a trusted friend to really, really vent this all to and then let it go? I really understand why this is raising emotional stuff for you, and you are not sexist for asking for this advice. I would have had a lot of feelings too, especially if I was in the midst of planning a wedding with the same cast of characters in which I was trying to be a better hostess and more considerate to my guests.


    • lawsuited :

      I’m a twin. The best thing you can do for your fiancé is to try and get on with his twin’s wife. Your fiancé is likely to see a lot less of his twin if twin’s wife thinks (knows) the family hates her. Twins have a special bond, and it would be very painful for your fiancé to lose his.

  30. Talk to me about house cleaning services. None of my friends use cleaning services, so I’m kind of at a loss. I basically want someone to clean the floors, kitchen and bathrooms weekly. We have a 9 month old and both work full time, and I feel like I’m using my entire evenings and weekends doing house upkeep, only to be immediately ruined by clutter. My questions are: What is a good frequency? What’s a good rate in a MCOL city? Is it completely pointless to hire house cleaning services if I still have to clean up all the clutter the day before s/he comes?

    • Anonymous :

      If you feel like you’re spending all your time picking up clutter, I’m not sure a cleaning service will help much. A cleaning service removes the need to scrub your kitchen appliances and bathroom toilets, but doesn’t eliminate the need to do daily upkeep of your living space. For that reason, we have someone come only once a month. Biweekly is also very common, but I don’t know anyone who needs their toilets cleaned every week.

      • Anonymous :

        I do need my bathrooms cleaned every week. If I don’t clean the shower on a weekly basis, icky crud builds up that is way harder to scrub off the next time.

    • Anonymous :

      It’s so worth it. Think of it as buying time with your kid/DH or time for yourself.

      We have a biweekly service. It costs $100 for 4 ladies for an hour. They do the basics – bathrooms, kitchen, floors. Deep clean is extra.

      The tidying so they can clean is very helpful — it helps prevent the house from getting too out of order between visits. Without the deadline pressure of having to tidy before the cleaners come, DH and I would not force ourselves to make an effort and the mess would just pile up.

    • biglawanon :

      I’d first look at what all the clutter is. Who is creating it? I understand a 9 month old can’t really clean up clutter, but the adults in the house can.

      We did biweekly cleaning when my two youngest were toddlers, and switched to monthly when they were in school. They simply make the house less dirty now. We pay about $200 per cleaning.

    • Every other week here. I would give up regular dental appointments before I’d give up my cleaning ladies. Fortunately I don’t have to give up either.

      We have what I call “screaming night” the night before the cleaning ladies come. Meaning, we scream at the kids to pick up their clutter. It’s miserable, but if we didn’t have this biweekly come to jesus, months worth of clutter would build up. So it’s totally worth it.

    • Try Handy, if they are in your city. Now that I’ve found a person I like and can request him every time, it’s pretty awesome. I tip well because their rates are so low they can’t be paying the cleaners enough.

    • Thanks for all the responses! I’m looking into Handy now. DH is the one making most of the clutter. I’ve had lots of conversations with him about it and he literally doesn’t see the clutter. So part of my motivation in getting a house cleaner is for him to have to address that at least once in a while.

  31. C-SPAN just posted a video on Twitter of Garrison Keillor in 1994 essentially defending the existence of s3xual h arassment by saying a world without it would be a world without flirting. Can we just ban men already???

    • Senior Attorney :

      Let’s do. And I see Garrison “Hubris” Keillor wrote an op-ed in the Washington Post a day or so ago saying it was “absurd” for Al Franken to consider resigning.

      They’re all so freaking smug…

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Oh come sit by me. My friends and I just text each other the “don’t walk” emoji (it’s a man with a NO sign over him, perfect!) and a volcano. They’re all banned in my book.

    • Anonymous :

      I commented above that Jezebel has a video from WWHL in 2012 where Katie Couric talks about ML grabbing her a$$. Thank goodness these guys are finally being taken off the air.

    • Anonymous :

      This reminds me of this opening act soul singer I saw in the 90s who wistfully smooth talked (tongue-in-cheek) about how what we call “stalking” now used to just be referred to as “unrequited love.”

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      If you run for office on that platform, you have my vote.

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