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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
St. John is one of those brands that I always associate with well-heeled ladies of a certain age. Their selections are usually more timeless than trendy and this cerulean blouse is no exception.
I like the look of a blousy bow peeking out from behind a blazer to make a suit look a bit more feminine. I would also love this worn tucked into a pencil skirt or over a pair of slim-fitting pants.
I always like the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale for bringing some of these higher-end brands down into the realm of reasonableness, pricewise. The blouse is $296, marked down from $495, and available in sizes P–XL. Tie-Neck Stretch-Silk Crêpe de Chine Shell
Two more affordable options are from Ming Wang (XS–XL, $180) and Bar III (1X–3X, pink or white, $69).
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
I’m going away next weekend and Glamour used to be my favorite beach read but it’s sadly online only now. Any recommendations for a similar magazine?
Cat
aw, this comment made me realize how long it’s been since I bought one! My old favorites were Marie Claire and InStyle, though as I’ve aged into late 30s I think I might be out of both target markets… the last time I flipped through InStyle I had no clue who a bunch of the featured celebs were.
Anon
As I kid my aunt would give me her old Glamours and I ate them up. Kind of my own 13 going on 30 moment, and it’s kinda sad to me that now that I am an adult living that “fab city life” I dreamed about, my favorite magazine is gone.
As a kid I LOVED the “hey it’s okay” feature
Cb
I just think all the smart, fun writing is online these days. What about a book about fashion or of smart, pop culture-y essays? I really liked Pandora Syke’s How Do We Know We’re Doing it Right. Similar in themes to Trick Mirror but I found it to be more engaging. I also really enjoyed the aptly named Beach Read was very, very good.
Anon
Aw that makes me sad! I’m not much of a magazine person but it was so fun to flip through a magazine and look at pretty things and read interesting articles and not be on a phone!
Any book or website recs to fill the void are appreciated!!
Anonymous
Yes — the last thing I want at the beach is being on yet another screen. And sand and screens — aiiii!
I am planning to re-read Bridget Jones’s diary. I wonder how it will hold up after 20ish years.
Monday
Vanity Fair usually has at least one interesting, long-form article and plenty of pretty pictures. That and Vogue are still available in print. Harper’s Bazaar is not as big on celebrities, also still in print as far as I know.
Nelly Yuki
I recommend the book American Royals for what amounts to People/US Weekly as a book. The premise is that Washington was king, not president, and the US had its own monarchy. The actual plot is about the romantic lives of the current king’s children. Perfect for the beach!
Anonymous
If you liked this one (I did!), I heartily recommend Red, White, and Royal Blue!
Ribena
Or Red White and Royal Blue which has plenty of references to gaming the tabloids!
Nelly Yuki
Oh, thanks!!
Layla
I like Travel & Leisure and Real Simple for beach read magazines.
Anonymous
these plus Vanity Fair and Outside are my go to magazines
pugsnbourbon
Love Outside! I am not outdoorsy and there’s always some fascinating piece that sucks me in anyway.
Flats Only
Not exactly like Glamour, but Vanity Fair, Town&Country and Tatler if you can get your hands on a copy. Hours of peeking into the lives of the rich and famous. September issue of InStyle for fashion/makeup/reassurance that fall clothes don’t change much year to year.
Ribena
I like Red magazine but I don’t know where you get it in the US – do you have an imported magazines shop at all?
Anon
Much like Glamour mag, the newspaper/magazine/book/candy store in my beach down is no longer
Ellen
I have to read everything on my ipad, but that really doesn’t work as well when i am on the beach or outside of my apartement. So I print out things I want to read and bring it with me, but it is NOT the same. I also regret that COSMOPOLITAN is no longer available in print. I learned much of my s-xueal techniques from Cosmo, b/c that is not something anyone would expect to learn from their mom or grandmas, b/c they simply did NOT do stuff like that back then for their boyfriends, or if they did, they certainly did NOT admit doing that stuff for their boyfreinds. I can’t say that I blame them b/c even tho men now demand same, I do NOT think it is particlularly enticing or tasteful from our perspective. FOOEY!
Anon
I still subscribe to Vanity Fair and Vogue. I’ve tried going to the digital versions but it’s just not the same. A subscription is like $12-$20 per year.
Great writing and photography in both.
Anon
Have you bought yourself any new “toys” to make staying at home more fun? New craft tools, new fitness equipment, anything? I’ve been feeling very bored lately and am thinking that something new might help at least for a little while. Thanks!
BeenThatGuy
Might not be what you were thinking but I finally got a Dyson cordless vacuum. It has brought me so much happiness. I’m someone who loves to clean because it reduces my anxiety. I have a 3 story, 100 year old home, with very narrow staircases. Being able to vacuum without my ankles being assaulted by a canister has sparked so much joy in my life.
anon
In the same vein, I got a Roomba.
Anon
I have two roombas and bought a shark cordless pet pro based on a recommendation here. I know that’s a lot of vacuums. I’m allergic to dust.
Anon
I bought a Roomba in June and it is so wonderful!
Vicky Austin
New cushy yoga mat! My old one from college was thin to begin with and got very ratty over the years. Multiple times while helping me pack to move, my mom asked if it was shelf liner, ha.
Anonymous
Sewing machine!
Chocolate is My Middle Name
A treadmill.
Also, a yoga bolster and a yoga wheel. I’ve used them at studios previously, but that’s out for the next few years.
I’ve also been doing the monthly baking challenges on Sally’s Baking Addiction Blog. They are taking me out of my bread/pizza/cookie baking mold.
And, I decided I need to learn to read charts for knitting, so I just started a charting heavy knit where I also have written instructions.
JTM
I’m on the hunt for a treadmill – what did you get? Do you like it?
Anon
Ukulele, cross stitch kit, Nintendo Switch
Is it Friday yet?
How did you find a Switch? I’ve been looking for one since March (but refuse to pay more than MSRP)!
BeenThatGuy
Same. Please share with us your secrets!
Anon
Sorry, bought it in March- Target had just restocked them when were were trying to get toilet paper (remember those days?) and I snagged a Switch Lite. I prefer handheld gaming anyway. My friend bought a full on Switch above MSRP on ebay for around $400. We visit each other in Animal Crossing while we chat on the phone or on Discord.
Anon
Different person, but you’re extremely unlikely to find a full sized Switch anywhere. Targets near me have Switch Lites in stock in stores but mark them as out of stock online.
anon
Airpods. Not sorry. It has greatly enhanced my podcast life, since I used to listen to them in the car.
Anonymous
Can you hear outside sounds with them on?
One thing I hate about now is that I’m home with a spouse and two kids wearing something in their ears for all of the calls they are on. You cannot call them from another room (to dinner, etc.), you have to go up and waive at them to unplug and listen to you.
BeenThatGuy
Sadly, I can’t even get my son’s attention when he has Airpods in and I’m in the same room. I’ve taken to finding the nearest light switch and flashing the lights. This truly is a new level of parenting I never expected to encounter.
NYNY
If my husband isn’t answering me from another room, sometimes I text him.
anon
For those of you without them, the pro version has three modes: pass-through/aware, noise-canceling, and “regular”. (Sorry… not a tech writer and can’t remember the actual names!) I notice a distinct difference between them all. And whether I can hear the outside world also depends a lot on how loud they are turned up and what I’m listening to.
As for getting your loved-ones’ attention–my assistant and I work in the same room but when I need to concentrate I put on noise-canceling over-ear headphones with music. Instead of her having to wave at or tap me, she’ll send me a slack message :). So maybe lean into the tech? My airpods announce and read text messages to me proactively over whatever I’m listening to, which is really handy.
Carmen Sandiego
They have a noise-cancelling and a transparent setting. With transparent you can hear all outside sounds. On noise-cancelling, I cannot hear a single thing outside of the earbud.
anomanom
the newer ones are noise canceling, the older ones are not (the ones that just look like the older earbuds with no cord). You can also function with only one in if you need to keep an ear to whats going on. I do that regularly when multi tasking or listening for the dog to be ready to come back inside.
Cat
The new ones (Pros) have either “transparent” or “noise canceling” mode. I keep them on transparent – (1) it means I use my normal voice when on calls since I can hear myself somewhat, and (2) the noise canceling is really effective – I save that for travel or when there is noise outdoors (construction, etc).
They are my quarantine MVPs!
Shananana
I have told multiple people my airpods are keeping me sane during quarantine. I can pace and water plants and fold laundry during my marathon conference call days now (we do not video chat thankfully). It helps me focus to not have to always sit and stare at a computer while I take in information.
Anon
I bought a spin bike!
Anonymous
Good watercolor brushes and paper – it makes all the difference. For paint, I’m just a dabbler, so I’ve just been using my kids’ watercolor pans and liquid watercolors, and you’d be surprised with the quality and range of colors you can get from just mixing those.
Ribena
I bought a few things to zhuzh up my bathroom, but that’s not really ‘fun’…
The main extravagant fun purchase I’ve made is roller skates! And I’m considering a Peloton because I’m hating not being able to get what feels to me like a good workout when the weather is miserable.
anon
I haven’t had tons of time to pursue my individual hobbies, which are mainly are reading and yoga. I get most of my books through the library’s digital system, and I watch free yoga videos. I’ve indulged in a few more subscriptions. We already had an annual subscription to Disney Plus, and we occasionally use my parents’ Netflix. But I added PBS Kids for Kiddo, and I’ve cycled through HBO, Hulu, and now Britbox as an “extra” subscription for myself.
DH and I are foodies. Since we’re not comfortable going to restaurants, cooking has become our entertainment. We’ve allowed our grocery budget and, frankly, our wine budget to increase significantly. Oh, and DH bought some pots, soil, and herbs, and it’s been really nice to have fresh herbs whenever we want.
We’ve also made some minor improvements to our house. We’ve made some of those repairs that you just ignore when you’re busy, installed a couple of dimmer switches, and painted the master bedroom. Doing the projects, and in a few cases, learning how to do them, have been a source of entertainment. This is also where we’ve spent most of the “extra” money we typically spend on stuff like clothing, restaurants, babysitters, family activities, and inexpensive weekend trips.
Anonymous
These are not the kind of toys I thought you were talking about!
anon
Lol that’s exactly where my mind went first
anon
Haha, me too! I did buy two of the “toys” I thought the question was about since quarantine started so maybe it’s just my mind in the gutter all the time now!
pugsnbourbon
Not just you, picked one up myself.
Thanks, it has pockets!
Let’s see . . .
I went ahead and got some free weights – just 2, 3, and 5lb – off Amazon the second a set became available earlier this month. I also have ankle weights, those were a little easier to get. And, because one of my sources of cardio are these cheerleading-style dance classes, I bought some pompoms because it felt weird pretending to shake imaginary ones. That was probably the silliest thing I’ve bought, but they’re fun to use.
Also video games, including reboots of some old classics from the 90’s.
I also bought a couple sprinkle blends off Fancy Sprinkles to make baking a little more fun, those are hopefully coming a little later this week.
anon
I drool over those Fancy Sprinkles blends. They are so fun!
H13
I’d love to know the cheerleading-style dance class. Sounds so fun! Would you mind sharing?
H13
Would you mind sharing the cheerleading style cardio class you take? Sounds so fun!
Mal
If you’re crafty, I’ve gotten into making my own notecards and stationary from old calendars, etc. I use this items to make the envelopes to the exact size – really fun!
https://www.dickblick.com/products/we-r-memory-keepers-punch-boards/?clickTracking=true&wmcp=pla&wmcid=items&wmckw=63295-1001&gclid=Cj0KCQjw-O35BRDVARIsAJU5mQWlgT0tmDIEJO7DBkmjA9pDwWyb0ZyB2xHQGdv3pmutKPpsxRbMdi4aAtmKEALw_wcB
Anonymous
A rolling tool cart! It’s royal blue and seeing all the tools laid out soothes my OCD. :)
Senior Attorney
A new outdoor sofa and we had the existing patio furniture refinished. It’s made being outside much nicer!
Senior Attorney
Oh, and we bought a crusher/destemmer for winemaking, but I am heartbroken to report that the grape crop has failed so we won’t get to use it this year! :(
Anon
A lot of books. I tend to buy used hardcovers.
My husband bought a recumbent exercise bike, which his physical therapist recommended over our treadmill due to his foot problems. Many many shipping delays, the seller trying to talk him into a different brand they had in stock, then actually shipping the other one to us even thought we said no (Infuriating) we finally have it. He’s delighted with it.
dee
Lots of at home spa/skincare treatments: cream and sheet masks, more steps to my skincare since I have the time and not rushing out the door, body scrub, at home wax strips, etc.
Anonymous
I bought all the kettlebells and dumbbells and for the kitchen a stovetop smoker, an egg poacher, and a popcorn pot with some cheesy salt. I love them all.
Anon
This may not be what you meant, but I bought a mini-massager on Amazon for when I garden by myself. I’m in my mid-40s and never gardened alone – EVER. But I thought – why not? I’m married for 10+ years and thought why not see what it’s all about. All I can say is that I wish I started much sooner. It’s a game-changer.
pugsnbourbon
My wife bought a 3D printer and it is bringing her a lot of joy (and a little frustration, but mostly joy).
Anon
I purchased a lot of computer games, as I’m home alone all week, get really bored and lonely, but didn’t have the focus to read a book. I’ve also purchased some board games to play with my boyfriend on the weekends.
Anonymous
A beach cruiser bike, a new Yoga mat, and some better hiking boots.
Anonony
A Pilates reformer. I had an inexpensive one years ago that I donated when I moved across country. I use it almost every day.
Anonymous
Ugh I have spend to much money during this pandemic.
1. AirPods
2. Cordless dyson animal
3. Peloton
4. New patio
5. New patio set
6. $1500 in plants and mulch which I installed MYSELF (ok, DH helped a bit)
7. Full on (actual) gardening setup which has generated so many cucumbers that I bought
8. A canning set
9. New bikes for most of the people in our family
10. We re did our kitchen (mostly DIY but still ran $10k++)
Anon
I’m mid-thirties, single, no kids, and I’m struggling to figure out what I’m doing with my life. Other than finding a partner and having kids (things I don’t have total control over), I’m not sure what I’m working towards. What am I trying to achieve? What am I saving money for? Why do I keep exercising? Has anyone felt like this? How did you deal with it?
Anonymous
Yes! I exercise to be healthy. I work and save so I can buy a house and someday retire in style.
Anonymous
I’m the same as you but never had these thoughts until recently, with COVID. I’m giving myself a big break.
Anonymous
Exercise to stay healthy or train for a goal or try a new sport/activity
Savings for retirement/house renos/next big trip depending on account/goal.
In terms of what you’re trying to achieve, I just turned 40 which made me a bit more introspective on some of this stuff – currently focusing less on career achievements and more on trying new experiences because I only have about 40 years left to try all the things – pandemic obviously but a dent in my timeline/new limits on which activities/adventures I tried first. Career achievements might be a big focus for you which is legit too. I was just a bit burnt out at my job but loved other aspects (colleagues, commute, actual work), so staying in my job but not focusing on moving up the ladder was the right choice for me.
FWIW I have a DH and three kids. You can’t rely on your kids and DH to give your life meaning anymore than you rely on being a daughter or friend to give your life meaning. That’s a lot of pressure on those relationships. They are basically additional fun people you love who you can do stuff with, not life defining.
Anonymous
Please stop! This is so smug married! You are not going through the experience she asked about!
Anonymous
How it is smug married to point out that being married is not the be all and end all of a happy life? Like isn’t that the opposite of smug married?
Research on this kind of stuff (e.g. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/dating-decisions/201310/self-righteous-singles-and-smug-married-couples ) uses statements like “Individuals who are in long-term romantic relationships generally have more meaningful, fulfilling lives than those who are not.” to delineate those that hold ‘smug married’ views. My point was the exact opposite of that. It’s like you didn’t even read what I wrote and dismissed it as soon as I mentioned that I was married.
anon
Who ever said that being married was the be all and end all of a happy life? Not OP. She didn’t imply that in her post at all. You built a straw man. Single people do not like when others imply for no reason that they feel being married is the magic key to happiness/meaning.
It’s not the opposite of smug married because a) it dismisses a single persons’ desire to have a family, often by mischaracterizing the single person’s feelings and b) it’s easy to say it’s not that important when you have it. It’s someone who is financially secure telling someone who is struggling to make ends meet “you know, money isn’t everything. Find joy in small pleasures.”
Anonymous
Is it? I think this is good advice (I wish my parents followed it!)
Anonymous
No, her experience is relevant and you’re the problem
Anon
I am very sensitive to the smug marrieds, but this is ain’t it, chief.
anonymous
To your last para — please. Just stop. We all know that these relationships add tons of meaning to a person’s life. Would you chastise someone for saying that her kids are her world or that raising a child is one the most meaningful things she’s done? I cannot actually believe that you don’t feel spouses and kids are “fun people to do stuff with” and not “life defining.”
Monday
This is the real problem. Everyone knows that marriage and kids are huge shaping factors in someone’s adult life (nobody said be-all, end-all; but huge shaping factors). Not having a partner or kids when you want them can hurt deeply. It’s not helpful for people to reply that they have these things but are still somehow in the same situation. They are not.
It would be just as weird if this OP was weighing in on handling problems in a 10-year marriage or conflicts over parenting.
Anonymous
No the problem is people who think getting married will magically make their life better.
Anon
This is the real advice – Anonymous at 11:35
anonymous
I think that people who respond like anonymous at 9:48 hear “I’m single and wish I had a partner” as “I’m single and my life has no meaning” or “I can’t be happy without a partner” or “it’s my partner’s job to make me happy.” If they weren’t a huge source of joy, then why are weddings and new babies so celebrated? Saying that marriage/kids are fulfilling/joyful/meaningful/important *does not mean* that anyone is saying they are the only fulfilling/joyful/meaningful/important parts of a person’s life. To a single person, comments like anonymous at 9:48’s come off as if we’re being told that our desires for these things are not valid and that we are failing by wanting them. It’s extremely hurtful.
anon
“No the problem is people who think getting married will magically make their life better.”
Who thinks this? Did anyone on this board make such a comment? Did OP?
Is it Friday yet?
The first paragraph was actually relevant and responsive to the OP’s question. The second paragraph was COMPLETELY unnecessary. “I have what you want, but it’s not that great, whatever.” No reason to throw that in, and like anon at 11:51 says, it’s hurtful. Also, every time one of my married friends feeds me a line like that, I ask them if they had a do over would they get married, and they inevitably say that yes, marriage is work and includes sacrifices, but has been a net positive for them (this excludes the friends that have gone through brutal divorces – though they were never the ones with the trite aphorisms).
Strongly wanting to find a partner does not mean you’re a desperate loser looking for someone to “magically make [your] life better” – it can also mean you have a wonderful, full life that you think would be fun to share with someone. It’s insulting and a bit nasty to make the assumption otherwise.
Anonymous
How did you read this as implying that they don’t add meaning? It’s not a competition to decide if being a mom or being a wife or being a daughter is more meaningful to me. I can value lots of different relationships. It’s not myspace where you list your five best friends or whatever.
Just like I don’t list the most meaningful people in my life, I don’t think about things like a list of the most meaningful things I’ve done. I would mostly find it weird that someone needed to make a list about stuff they did vs just enjoy their life with their kids/partner/spouse/parent/whoever is special to them.
anonymous
“You can’t rely on your kids and DH to give your life meaning…They are basically additional fun people you love who you can do stuff with, not life defining.”
You are seriously downplaying the “meaning” that most people reasonably derive their spouses and children and the process of forming and raising a family.
alina
I’m younger than you but I feel this, especially after I reached all the school/career “milestones”. Maybe you just . . . enjoy life? Do a good job at work, meet friends, try new restaurants, learn new types of exercises? Honestly there is a lot more time for fun stuff in life than I realized growing up when I had lots of homework and extracurriculars.
That being said, I’ve been saying I just want a quiet life but have actually just joined a more meaningful/impactful job that will be much more time consuming.
Anon
This, exactly.
I was very happy before I met my husband (in some ways, happier; marriage meant being the trailing spouse of an academic and I had to give up everything I had worked so long for). Running, travel, running non-profits in my free time, writing legislation, being on TV, guest lecturing college courses. It was actually really great.
Anon
While you’re thinking about your future life, your current life is happening right now. I’m in essentially the same circumstances as you. While I do hope to find a partner and all of these things in the future, I want my life to be enjoyed now. Everyone has different struggles and different things they feel that they are missing. Life is not a challenge where if only get 60 points out of 100 you’re not allowed to enjoy it. Focus on enjoying the good things you do have, and think about all the things you could build into your life right now without all the other things you can’t control. It is fine to still want a partner and kids and to not feel you’re at 100% until you do. But you’ve gotta find a way to enjoy being at 60% or 73% while you’re here on earth.
Shanananana
I’ve been seeing a therapist trying to work through similar issues. Mine is around always being an achiever trying to hit goals and now no knowing how to throttle down on that. I have found having a few longer term goals does help me. Right now mine are around transitioning my work to fully remote and being in a position within the next 5-7 years to start leaving my cold midwest town and work elsewhere for the winter. Also trying to find two hobbies, a physical hobby and a creative hobby that I enjoy and will stick with. I think I may have finally landed on the creative one (pottery) but lockdown has made the other harder since I am not allowed to run.
Amber
While not exactly on point, the blog A Cup of Joe had a post last week called “Will I be single forever?” The post itself was just ok but there were a lot of good thoughts and advice in the comments. Might be worth a look! There was one person who quoted another article that said something along the lines of what do I need to do to be happy if my worst case comes true. I will try to include the link to the post but if it doesn’t work, just scroll through the blog’s posts last week.
https://cupofjo.com/2020/08/will-i-be-single-forever/
Is it Friday yet?
I deal with it by having multiple all-consuming and expensive hobbies, which eat up all my free time and money, haha. I ride horses, and one day would like to run around a two star event. I’m saving money to buy the fancy horse to do it on. I’m learning to trad rock climb, and want to be good enough to at least follow on some big walls at Red Rock or Squamish. I exercise so I can do those things well (and also skiing, especially backcountry touring, #3 in the I-am-an-insane-adrenaline-junkie trifecta). I’m certainly not saying that I never feel left behind in life, or super lonely (I live alone, and the last six months have been soooo rough for that) – but having outlets with tangible goals give me things to work toward that are actually in my control (at least to a much greater extent than finding a partner is in my control because that clearly is not at all).
Is there anything that you’ve always wanted to try and have never gotten to do? Now is the time (socially distanced)! Go train for a triathalon, learn to fly a plane, write a novel, etc. Shake things up a little and see where it takes you.
PolyD
I’m renting a cello. Always wanted to learn and figured now is the time. I played the piano as a kid and can still read music, more or less, so I’ve been having fun trying to get started on the basics. Next month I start virtual lessons.
Who knows, maybe someday I’ll be good enough to play in a low-level community orchestra!
anon
Poly D this is wonderful! Good luck to you on this venture. I hope it’s amazing and that you can play in that community orchestra.
You are inspiring me to get serious on getting a piano like (weighted keys, full scales) keyboard in my house and picking up playing again.
Is it Friday yet?
Yes! I’m a firm believer in it never being too late to start something new!
Anon
You should check out trad climbing in the Sawtooths as well. There’s some great moderate routes there with incredible vistas.
Is it Friday yet?
Hah, the other night a friend (who climbs but doesn’t trad) mentioned planning a trip to City of Rocks – it does look amazing up there (and Idaho is on my list of states still to visit). He definitely had an ulterior motive in that suggestion though, as he’s got a lady friend that lives in Idaho. :)
Anon
I haven’t been to City of Rocks myself, but I have family members who go regularly and love it. I was hoping to climb the Finger of Fate in the Sawtooths, but an earthquake broke the summit block! Damn 2020…
Monday
Exercising and saving money are both good ideas in general, but don’t feel obligated to do anything, or do more of it, than you want to. That’s one of the (few?) fun things about being single as a fully-fledged adult: within reason, you can make your own rules because you’re responsible only to yourself.
If you have a splurge in mind, or want to quit your workout regimen and spend more time watching TV, here’s your blessing to go ahead! It may help lift the fog and clarify what you really want. (I am in a relationship now but was single from 34-38.)
Anonymous
A friend’s brother-in-law was recently told he will likely have a few months to live due to cancer. My immediate thought was about how he just finished a post-graduate degree that he won’t have a chance to use and that he recently (a few years ago) did a huge house renovation that he won’t have a chance to enjoy. While that is true, I then thought I would be better to focus on how much he enjoyed doing both of those things. In other words — more about the enjoying each day of the journey than being so focused on the destination. I see exercise as being able to enjoy the journey at any age.
Anonymous
So, I found myself in a slightly similar boat unexpectedly. A few things that I have worked on (with the help of my lovely therapist):
(1) Focusing on my day-to-day life/routines more and doing stuff that makes me happy each day. This is sort of the opposite of what you are asking, but I was always a very goal oriented person and thought my happiness needed to be defined by Big Things (marriage, kids, big job changes). But my life is happening every day! Little things make a huge difference. I work from a park near my house for a few hours a few times a week, I bought a sewing machine, I have a “night time ritual” before I go to bed, I started riding my bike around my city on the weekends. Little doable things. And sometimes they spiral out – I started sewing for 20 minutes 1x a week. And then I mentioned it to my mom, who mentioned it to my aunt, and my aunt invited me to her quilting club, and now I have a bunch of delightful 60-80 year old friends teaching me advanced quilting techniques over Zoom.
(2) I also started thinking less in terms of goals and more in terms of how I would want someone to describe me (this was more relevant to my personal situation – I had a lot of tragedy in my life and am tired of being the Tragic Friend). Like, “She is a person who [loves adventure][is close with her family][runs marathons][has a cool job][fill in the blank].” I made a list of a few characteristics I want to “define me” so to speak, and I try to live my daily life in a way that fits with those characteristics.
(3) Inspired by some old episodes of the Forever35 podcast, I started thinking in terms of achievable short term “intentions” that are within my control. Like, what do I want my life to look like in 30 days, 60 days, 6 months and a year. And then keeping those things in mind and regularly incorporating things into my life to help work towards them. Like, in a year I want to buy a house. So I am doing more to get my finances in order, learn about the housing market, etc.
PolyD
Your idea of focusing on the small, day to day things, really resonated. I never drank coffee at home in real time (preferred tea) but now I like to have coffee in the morning, first cup is drunk while sitting on my couch checking emails. It sounds so minor, but it’s soothing to have a routine.
I also do yoga at lunch time and then there’s cello practice in the afternoon (see my comment above about trying to learn to play the cello). I also like to buy boxes of postcards, usually from Amazon, and randomly send post cards to my friends.
anon
This is awesome.
Ribena
Oh this is wonderful. I’m taking screenshots.
anon
This is really wonderful. I found that when I was in this stage of my life, having goals that I could accomplish in 30-90 days really helped – things like learning to dance, or doing a pullup. I also sewed a lot, because I wanted to create beautiful things.
I write this now as someone who met my partner a year ago, at 39. Before that I spent a lot of years struggling with those thoughts of “what am I doing with my life??”, and “will I ever find my person???” and “What’s wrong with me that I can’t seem to find someone??”. To be honest, meeting my partner has made my life SO MUCH BETTER. Having a buddy, and a friend, and someone who has my back…this is not trivial, this is life changing. But if I could go back and talk to myself from ages 30-39, when I was mostly single and enduring all the rollar-coaster rides of modern dating, I’d want to say something like – there’s no need to waste time being sad… You are not broken, it’s just not the right time yet. Right now you have an amazing ability to be a friend, and nurture friendships. Enjoy that time, and focus on blessing the people in your life now. Your life has meaning right now! Enjoy your hobbies – you’re going to meet your partner through one of them one day, and he’ll notice you because you are radiating joy doing something that makes you happy. Realize that in a given week you connect with about 15 different people! This is a rare gift on this stage of life…embrace it.” That last bit is clearly pre-pandemic… And, I didn’t do this, but I think it would have been great for me to have adopted a cat or dog…I needed something to nurture.
Sarah
I am in a similar boat. I am working on adding things to my life that add meaning. For instance, if being a part of a child’s life is important to you, there are a number of ways of filling that need without having kids. I don’t have nieces or nephews I could shower attention on, so I got a little through Big Brothers Big Sisters. In addition, I have been taking my time figuring out what my next steps are to add more meaning, as I no longer have concrete big deadlines in life, ie graduate from school or get a stable job. One of the things that has helped me get my thoughts in order is to listen to The Happiness Lab. (https://www.happinesslab.fm) All the best to you as you figure out your next life step!
Anon
I’m trying to plan a picnic for this weekend, but I’m struggling. I am pregnant so I can’t do our typical go-to of lunchmeat on sandwiches. I’m drawing a blank. Any suggestions? I’m also lactose-intolerant. It’ll just be me and my husband.
Anonymous
Pasta salad!
anon
– Chicken salad sandwich (on a croissant to make it a little fancier)
– Tomato sandwich
– Hummus, veggies, and sun-dried tomato spread
Anonymous
Yes. Tomato, mozzarella and basil sandwich.
Anon
She’s lactose intolerant.
anon
Leave it off or use vegan mozzarella! Add a drizzle of balsamic too.
FormerlyPhilly
fruit salad with honey lime dressing or watermelon cucumber salad
bacon lettuce tomato sandwiches (and/or chicken) on croissant or focaccia or specialty roll
pearl couscous pasta salad with broccoli or zucchini and roasted tomatoes (smitten kitchen has a nice recipe)
potato chips, sweet potato chips, or beet chips
lemon bars or lemon cake with vanilla frosting
Cb
I like picnic nibbles, tomatoes, falafel, stuffed grape vines, smoked salmon (that’s ok in the UK, YMMV).
pugsnbourbon
Ooh and tabbouleh and pita!
Anon
Picnic = fried chicken! Or boneless chicken tenders. Your local grocery store will make them well.
Fruit salad, brownies, roasted vegetable salad (keeps better than a fresh green salad)
Anon
I will call your grocery store chicken and raise you one KFC.
One of my fanciest, wealthiest friends gave me this tip. She shows up at any potluck or shared food event with a bucket of KFC, and everyone loves it, no matter how fancy they think they are. I’ve been following her advice for several years now and she is 100% correct.
Anon
Ok girl, I’m picking up what you’re putting down!
I’m going to pay KFC a visit this weekend :)
Anon Probate Atty
Funny and accurate
Anon
I’m a big fan of pasta salad with protein (tuna, chicken, etc.) for picnics as it’s kind of a one-bowl meal. I make a good one with penne, halved and lightly roasted grape tomatoes, kalamata olives, feta or tiny bits of fresh mozzarella cheese (which you can skip since you are lactose intolerant), fresh basil leaves, and ribbon-cut fresh arugula (I find arugula pretty strong-tasting so I don’t use too much). Toss with a balsamic vinaigrette and then add diced rotisserie or grilled chicken.
DoesntBelongHere
If rotisserie chicken is okay, you could get one of those and pull some meat off for a sandwich.
Ribena
I just made these yummy pittas filled with a lemony broccoli chickpea slaw from Cookie and Kate. I can’t eat avocado so used houmous instead as she suggests (link to follow)
Ribena
https://cookieandkate.com/broccoli-chickpea-pita-sandwiches/
anon
other commentors have good ideas – I’d be all on the grocery-store pick up. For pasta salad, my fave is bowties w black olives, tomatoes, cucumbers, red peppers, diced raw red onion, blackened chicken strips, salt/pepper/french herb mix tossed with lemon juice & olive oil. All the ingredients in about equal portions.
Anon
I love a Mediterranean orzo salad – orzo, black olives, some red onion, cherry tomato (it’s tomato season!), some chopped up canned artichokes, fresh parsley and mint. Dressing is oil of your choice, lemon juice, red wine vinegar, and a little Dijon mustard to taste. Dijon helps emulsify it. You can make two containers and add some feta to your husband’s. I make this ~all~ the time and it keeps so well. I’ve also added some grilled chicken to it for protein. Add in some cured meats and crackers for some protein!
kk
There’s a medeterranian sandwich at potbelly that I love- I’ve come up with a bunch of new favorites when I’ve attempted to recreate that. It’s toasted pita or other flatbread spread with hummus (garlic or red pepepr flavors are my fav) with chicken if available, then cucumber, roasted eggplant and/or roasted red pepper, roasted zucchini slices, tomato, cucumber, greek olives, and a sprinkle of feta (if you can eat it) – I drizzle with a tiny bit of red wine vinegar and a generous grind of black pepper, sometimes mint or parlsey if I have it fresh.
AIMS
We have a Turkish restaurant in our neighborhood that has a delicious appetizer platter. Most of it is dairy free. It’s perfect picnic food – hummus, babaganush, pita, etc.
I also like to make the Beach Bean Salad from Smitten Kitchen (infinitely customizable) and to bring fresh fruit. Watermelon makes a good option both on its own and as a salad (with e.g., with black olives and herbs).
Anon
Smitten kitchen sheet pan focaccia sandwiches are great and she offers tons of inspiration on her site. For a picnic last year I made one with chicken cutlets, pesto, fresh mozzarella and tomatoes and a vegetarian option with roasted cauliflower, spicy hummus, sliced hardboiled eggs and pickled onions.
Recording videos
I am going to be coordinating asking a group of people to submit ten minute instructional videos of themselves or of them interviewing someone. I have taken short videos on my iPhone but have never done anything for work. Does anyone have any suggestions of apps that I can recommend that people use or any other advice?
anon
Most videoconference tools (zoom, Skype…) have a record button. Just start a meeting with yourself in it and record.
Cb
I think Teams let you do it as well. If they have any visuals, you can do it within PPT using Captasia.
RW
Do you want them all done on phones or are you mixing in webcams? For phones only.. I found iMovie did the job fine for editing. I just asked people to record videos. I asked them to send via Airdrop and it all worked great. For laptops/desktop I’ve used a software called Camtasia and just windows video editor for splicing together the videos and asked people to use the camera app in Windows to record video via their webcam. Most important tips… specify if they should be portrait or landscape, and give them an idea of how much their faces should fill the frame. Also, people are generally awful at doing the right length of talking (too long or too short)… so figure out what your ranges and maxes are.
Anonymous
I’m a 6th year associate at a midsize regional. My hours are awful this year. At first, I was billing 120-130/month plus tracking another 150/month in COVID research. The firm was so grateful someone handled COVID articles, videos, trainings (I even advised our internal firm counsel and managing partners). Now in August I’m on track to maybe bill 90 and track 50 nonbillable. I think I’m burned out but also just don’t have the spike of work from the last several months. I’ve heard other associates aren’t meeting their hours but don’t have actual numbers to know. My advisor is super chill and told me everything is fine/not to worry…But I’m worried. Should I tell anyone else? Start asking for work outside my area?
Anon
This is one of the few times I would say – you are going to be ok. I predict a major upswing in legal demand in the next 12-18 months as targets come up for sale and buyers have easy access to money because the Fed has been been pumping liquidity into the markets, restructurings, litigation from the pandemic fallout, etc. Relax, get yourself together, do what you can and get ready for the next upturn.
No Face
Based on what you’ve said, you can relax. Your group/firm is slow (not uncommon), and you visibly pitched in in a time of crisis. Advising the firm GC and managing partners has put you in a great place.
I’m a 7th year. There are ebbs and flows. The key to enjoying firm life is to take full advantage of the ebbs. Sleep more, read a book you’ve wanted to read, binge watch a show. Stop working at 3:30pm today and go a long walk or hike. Call some friends and family you haven’t spoken to a while.
I’m a mom, so I recently took advantage of an ebb by taking my kid to the zoo at 3pm on a weekday and taking a benadryl at 8pm and sleeping for an incredibly long time, my favorite luxury in this chapter of my life. Enjoy!
Less $, Mo Problems
Daft tax question. I was at a firm the first five months of the year, then unemployment for two months (opting to withhold 10%), now clerking in a temp position. Usually I get a kick in my paychecks when I’ve hit the social security tax limit. Does unemployment count towards that limit? Will my current job know when I’ve hit it? Or do I need to do the math come taxes next year and claim part of it back? Relatedly, my clerkship does not have a 401k and I didn’t max out my limit at the firm from the first half of the year. Anyone know how to contribute when my income for this year is too high for a Roth? Just trying to get back on financial track after this major career shake up. Consider all advice solicited!
Anonymous
Your current job is required to withhold social security up to the limit, even if you’ve contributed at your old job. The information isn’t shared, each job starts at zero. When you do your taxes, it gets counted just as part of your tax paid. You don’t really claim it back, but it may increase your refund. This situation is very common and easy to handle on your return.
Anonymous
This, 100% is true.
Anon
Backdoor Roth?
anon
Marriage advice needed. First and foremost, DH and I have had a strong relationship, are on the same page about the big stuff, and get along better than most couples I know. But this pandemic … well. It’s testing me, ladies. He is my favorite person and yet this is way too much time together. We talk and see each other alllll the time. And he’s a great conversationalist, so it’s not that. It’s just too much! I find myself getting completely annoyed by stuff that’s never bothered me before, from the way he chews to his desire to cuddle and be close all the time when I want SPACE. Or the jokes I’ve heard thousands of times before. I just feel like a giant B all the time because he wants more of me, and I want less of him. To make matters worse, I have not felt very s3xual at all over the past 6 months.
How do I fix myself and be a better partner right now? Other factors that may possibly be relevant:
– We have two elementary school-age kids at home and haven’t had a date night since the pandemic began. The family time has been great, but my giving well is running dry.
– I restarted continuous birth control for severe PMDD symptoms. It’s helping that quite a bit, but I suspect that it’s tanking my drive to garden.
– My sister’s marriage is imploding, and I’ve been one of her main support people to get through that. And I actually really like my BIL, which is making this even harder and more confusing.
Anonymous
I think it sounds like your marriage is totally fine but you individually are overwhelmed and depleted. Where can you make space to be alone? To go for a post bedtime walk? Give each other a weekend morning with the kids out of the house? Wake up earlier for a ten minute meditation?
Panda Bear
+1 that it doesn’t sound like you, or even your marriage, is the problem – its the crappy circumstances (covid, etc) that’s making things tough. It just stinks – virtual hugs. Have you talked to your husband? It’s OK to tell him when you need space, quiet time, etc. Also maybe talking with a therapist, and your physician to see if there are other birth control options or dosage tweaks that might make a difference. Although, it would also be reasonable if your lack of gardening desire isn’t even so much the hormonal bc (or that alone) as it is all the other stress you are dealing with!
Anon Probate Atty
Is there any alternate treatment that you could explore for PMDD? When I was on birth control, I didn’t ovulate and it really depleted my s*x drive, which led to friction between my husband and me.
anon
I don’t know. I feel like I tried alternatives and lifestyle changes for years but it never moved the needle enough. When I started having legit suicidal thoughts leading up to my period — well that scared the heck out of me, even though I’d never actually do anything. Birth control has eliminated the debilitating cramps and scary thoughts, but my s#x drive is nonexistent. It feels like I have to make a choice between feeling good or having good s#x.
Anonymous
I take anti depressants for my PMDD because birth control yanked my drive. Another option is an IUD- lower hormone load. Not saying either of these are right for you but total loss of drive is a real issue worth discussing with your doctor.
Z
I’m on BC and it definitely has tanked my drive as well. IME, I find that I don’t really want to do it and give into it because my SO wants to, but I always end up getting “into it” and enjoying after we get going, its just the initial mental block that I have to get through. And maybe that’s not great.. but it works for me.
anne-on
I took antidepressants for PMDD, b/c as you note, birth control pills 100% killed my drive…so…they were effective at least? Ha. It may take some experimenting, but my GP suggested a low dose of Prozac daily, however I find that Wellbutrin works better for me. Otherwise, I would STRONGLY suggest carving out some time just for you, alone. Take a walk, drive around your neighborhood, do a workout video, watch a stupid girly movie – you need along time in order to recharge and reset.
I’m sorry – this time is rough and being ‘stuck’ with people and little privacy is a big issue for many of us now.
Anonymous
Try at home date nights. Pretend like there isn’t a pandemic. Make fancy cocktail drinks or buy craft beer and watch Before Times movies. We do this every Saturday and it really helps.
Try to get out of the house for a date night or lunch date every month at least. Go for a hike you couldn’t do with the kids along, or get take out that the kids would hate (spicy sushi for us) and eat it at a park and watch the sunset. Even 2 hours away is worth the effort.
Set your sister up with a therapist so you are not the only support. I don’t mean stop supporting her just help her be a four legged table instead of a three legged one.
Expressly ask for more time to yourself. Even 15 minutes of no one talking to me helps. Go for a walk around the block in the evening after supper either before putting the kids to bed or while DH puts them to bed.
Garden just because it helps your relationship. I often start because I know DH is looking for the connection and usually end up having an amazing time. But even on the times I don’t, DH feels more connected and I feel more connected/close with him even if I don’t have an amazing time.
Anon
It makes sense that you’re feeling burnt out. Give yourself the space and time to get through this and you will – no self-induced pressure is going to help make these problems go away, but time (and time alone in particular) will. Don’t have sex when you don’t want to either. Just give yourself a break.
Anonymous
This. Also explain to your husband that you need some alone time in order to be a better partner. My husband is similar to yours–he wants to be together every minute. I just want to get away from him for a while so I can enjoy being around him the rest of the time.
Anon
This is late but me too (husbands wants to be together, I feel depleted from kids + work all day long).
What helps me is taking one hour every evening to myself and going for a walk, talking to a friend on the phone, or doing some exercise I like (while the kids are elsewhere, not trying to do it with me).
Anonymous
Fresh air and sunshine help me a lot when I’m feeling this way. Can you take a walk outside? Are you exercising at all? Also – sleep deprivation can cause this. Have you tried tracking your sleep to make sure you’re getting enough good quality sleep?
On the gardening part… drive exists on a spectrum from really want it, to neutral, to absolutely don’t want it. It can be hard for two people to match up their REALLY WANT moments at exactly the same time. If you haven’t felt that for a while, then maybe you can try to shift to view “neutral” as “open to it.” Sometimes it’s like the gym – once you get started you get into it and you feel so much better after.
Anon
I personally deeply hate birth control as a treatment for severe PMDD. It works in the sense that it prevents PMDD, but it puts me on edge at all times and gives me exactly these feelings about my husband. Some people react this way to getting progestin instead of progesterone. I would take seriously the possibility that this is a factor and look into alternatives (deplin/methylfolate and zinc, or if you’re like me and will try anything that might work when it comes to PMDD, macca or vitex castus). Without treatment, my PMDD was severe enough that I didn’t have enough sick days to cover it and that I was actually afraid. But long term, birth control was always just trading one problem for another.
Anon
I did also get the legit suicidal thoughts though I wouldn’t act on them. I would also burst into tears for no reason; I wasn’t functional. SSRIs didn’t help enough and made me feel like a zombie, so my psychiatrist had me try taking 5HTP just around that time of month. I don’t seem to need it anymore, but I keep it around because I’m still basically afraid of PMDD. Maybe you’ve tried it all though. My symptoms on birth control just get too severe (including a lot of pain that prevents just going ahead anyway the way Z described).
anon
I’ve found magnesium helps somewhat against severe PMDD, at least the worst anxiety part. I take a pretty high dose and I take it every day throughout my cycle if I remember, but I make sure to take it for the second part of my cycle. It’s not perfect, but I do notice that I’m worse if I haven’t taken it.
anonymous
Tell your husband you need some space. Can he take the kids out for a drive or walk so you can have the house to yourself for a while?
Anon
I relate to so much of this. My husband is so excited to have me home. Also my b00bs. He’s very excited they’re home all the time too.
We fortunately work in separate rooms of the house. Yesterday he wandered into my office for the millionth time and I was expecting him to come over and grab me in some way or tell me a long story about how he thought he was ordering a large size of something but just have ordered the smaller amount, just one of the many fascinating tales he enthralls me with all day … anyway, I snapped and said, “you HAVE to let me work!” And he was like, “I just came in to get the tape dispenser.” So then I felt bad.
I think what you and I both really need to do is have an honest talk about needing some personal space. We have to do it in such a way that it’s sandwiched in love – I love you, I need personal space, but I love you – so that it’s not hurtful.
Anon Probate Atty
Sorry, but that is a little funny…I totally get it, too.
Another anon
I laughed at this, too. You know he was going to tell you a long story right up until the moment that you snapped, right?
Anonymous
Has anyone else started going to their gym again? I’d be interested to know if are experiences are similar. My gym, which was always clean, is immaculate. There haven’t been more than 3 or 4 people working out at at time, and everyone is wearing their mask and following the guides. (There are marks on the floor for where equipment is to be placed, and some weight machines have signs reminding you that only one person can use it at a time.) You have to make a reservation for one hour, but since the gym is quiet, it’s OK if you stay a few minutes more. For example, this morning it was just me and a trainer doing his own workout.
I was really pleased with how the gym is handling things (it’s a franchise chain) and it was great to be able to have a varied workout with lots of different choices. Overall, it felt fine to be there and it was great to be back! Is this the same for you, or have you gone and decided it won’t work for you?
Anonymous
I don’t go to a gym but I’ve restarted ballroom dance classes. They’re capping attendance at 25% as required which means 4 students and an instructor. And still doing lots of online classes. It’s a level of risk that’s comfortable for me.
Anon
Well, it’s going to “feel” fine to be there until you get sick. I’m wary about statements like “it felt safe” because we often see what we want to see. Unless your gym has incredible cross-breezes from fully open doors and windows, I would not assume it’s safe just because it felt good to be there. YMMV, but for things that are known to be high risk (people breathing hard, indoors) and where you can access safe alternatives for (like running outside or workout video on YouTube), it’s not worth the risk. I prefer to save my risk budget for the “there are no subs” things like visiting Grandma who lives alone.
Anonymous
It’s not worth the risk To You. I don’t have any grandmas to visit. Nor am I high risk.
Anon
I said YMMV ??♀️
Anon
Of all the bad information that has gone down in this pandemic, I’ve got to say that one of the worst is the idea that whether or not YOU PERSONALLY are high-risk is the appropriate risk calculus to use. The me-me-me approach is why schools are closed and so many have died preventable deaths. Not a popular opinions and I know I’ll get flamed, but I don’t care. The gym is unsafe and unnecessary and you shouldn’t go.
Anon
Of all the bad information that has gone down in this pandemic, I’ve got to say that one of the worst is the idea that whether or not YOU PERSONALLY are high-risk is the appropriate risk calculus to use. The me-me-me approach is why schools are closed and so many have died preventable deaths. Not a popular opinions and I know I’ll get flamed, but I don’t care. The gym is unsafe and unnecessary and you shouldn’t go.
anon
Totally agree. If you’re willing to go to the gym, then you’re probably doing a lot of other stuff that’s contributing to our inability to contain the virus. This is the downfall of such an individualistic society.
Anon
Agreed. There has also been WAY more posting of black squares on Instagram than there has been discussion of how blacks and Hispanics are disproportionately dying of this virus. #america
Anon
Absolutely.
Anonymous
I follow the rules of my state, and gyms are reopened with certain rules. If people follow the rules, I don’t have an issue with going to the gym or anything else. If you are uncomfortable in gyms, don’t go. The question was for people to share their experience currently with gyms to see if they are in general doing a good job with masks, social distancing, etc.
FWIW, the transmission rate in my state is 0.8, almost all schools in the state plan on re-opening either full time in person or hybrid.
Anonymous
I’d love for public schools to open, but I don’t think the teachers will ever agree to go back to in person learning. Lifelong pensions for a 10 month a year wfh where the parents do all the actual work? They’d be crazy to go back. Also, the disdain toward children and parents that I’ve heard from public school teachers has me convinced that leaving my kid with these people is an awful idea.
Anon
It’s not enough to just “follow the rules” in your state when it’s well-known that political boards that are NOT composed of public health experts are dictating rushed reopenings to cater to their business interests.
Anon
To Anon at 10:00…are you a bar/restaurant owner? Do you work at a gym? Your privilege is blinding you. Have you considered that these are real people with families who need to eat and pay rent? Unemployment benefits have ended and the reality is that many businesses have opened out of financial necessity. Saying that they should all be closed until schools are open is flawed.
anon
170,000+ people need to die so that gyms don’t go out of business? That’s bonkers. I’m sorry that their government is unwilling to provide for them but we should absolutely not be prioritizing businesses over health and education.
Anon
So we should just focus on education children even if they are starving? Got it.
anon
OP asked people to weigh in with their personal opinions. You don’t need to get offended when someone else’s experience & risk tolerance don’t align with yours.
Anon
No one got “offended” except OP.
anon
My 10:00 comment was meant for Anonymous at 9:48 who seemed to not understand that people can only speak to their own comfort levels.
Anonymous
I am not comfortable with the idea that anyone is working out in a gym right now, or going to restaurants.
Anon
+1 to “feeling safe” being pretty irrelevant. COVID is mostly spread via the air so having all the surfaces be immaculate really doesn’t mean much.
ANON
But there were only two people in there and they were both wearing masks.
Anon
Masks are certainly better than nothing, but they’re not a silver bullet and thinking they are can give you a false sense of security (which is why many experts were hesitant to recommend universal mask-wearing in the beginning – staying home is far more effective at slowing the spread than going out with a mask on). Most experts frame it as masks “buying you time.” If you bump into an infected person in the grocery store or chat with an infected friend for 5 minutes, masks can make the difference between getting sick and not. If you spend an hour in someone’s presence in an indoor space, you’re probably getting sick regardless of the masks.
anon
I also want to push back on the constant refrain from people who think they are not “high risk.” The truth is, you don’t KNOW if you’re high risk until you get infected. I know a healthy thirty-five year old woman who has just been intubated and they’re not sure if she’s going to make it.
Anon
I don’t disagree with the point that you never know if you’ll end up getting severely ill, but by definition you are low risk if you have low odds of getting severely ill and dying. That’s what “risk” means — the odds of something happening to you. 35 year old women with no underlying health conditions are objectively low risk. The fact that some very small percent of them will unfortunately defy those odds and get severely ill or die does not change the odds. Your friend was not “high risk” even though she had a bad outcome.
Anonymous
Ehh I’m not 100% sure we should be bashing gym goers. I’m considering going back because I’ve gained a ton a weight without access to a treadmill and elliptical (yes I run outside but it’s rougher on my joints and i can’t get the same quality of workout). It’s made my mental health take a giant hit, which of course makes dieting harder. Obesity seems to be a comorbidy and I really don’t see how continuing to gain weight is a great idea. Not everyone has the room to buy this large equipment and keep it in their home.
Also cases are now at record lows here. I’m not sure they’ll stay that way. I feel a need to get the weight off while gyms can be open.
I’m so exhausted from everyone’s constant judgment about what used to be just standard self care. It’s been five months. I’m a responsible person who always wears the mask and generally avoids risky behavior. I can’t keep continuing to ignore the non-covid aspects of my own physical and metal health without long term health consequences.
Anonymous
Anonymous @10:49, you make a good point. I started going to the gym after an accident, because working with a trainer helped me physically recover. Equally important, I had had a concussion and my trainer picked out some exercises to help me. I actually could not move my hand and opposite leg simultaneously, my brain just couldn’t do it, but my trainer gave me some exercises that worked.
The accident happened when I was outside running, and was hit by a car, which took off and left me there. So, my appetite for exercising outside isn’t super high. I agree that there is a mental and physical calculus that we each need to make.
Anon
I am literally never going back to the gym since it’ll be at least a year until I’d feel safe doing so. So, I’m slowly but surely investing in my own workout equipment
babybiglaw
Same. I bought a Peloton, some yoga equipment, and a Trx setup. Hoping to get my hands on some hand weights soon. I used to go to OTF 3-5 days a week. I miss it, but it will be several months post-vaccine before I’m comfortable going back.
Anon
I just can’t imagine working out in a mask.
Anon Probate Atty
Same.
Anon
You get used to it pretty fast. I’d rather work out in a mask than not work out at all. I fully realize few here share that perspective.
Anonymous
That’s a false dichotomy though. There are very few exercises that can’t be out done outdoors where the risk of transmission is so low as to be close to zero.
Anon
Totally false. Alternatively I do a robust work out in my backyard to one of the millions of online workout apps, mask free.
Chocolate is My Middle Name
Ditto. I am high risk, and the gym will never “feel safe” not matter how empty, how many times they spray clean and how far apart the equipment is spaced. Dh and I are working on building a home gym.
My former gym is currently having spin, zumba, yoga, and body pump classes outside in the parking lot. They limit the number inside on the fitness floor and have some equipment marked off to promote social distancing. There is a reservation system for the one or two indoor classes they are holding and for the pool. The locker rooms and water fountains are closed. You are required to wear a mask while working out, but I don’t know for sure if that’s enforced. Temps are scanned as you enter (security theater), equipment is sprayed down between users.
anon
Yup! I’ve done some group workout classes indoors and out. I also swim a couple of times a week in my gym’s indoor pool. Cue the judgies on this board judging! Everyone in the group class was very far apart and we all wore masks until the beginning of the workout. I’ve been going regularly since June, have not been sick, and have no plans to be anywhere near anyone at risk. Haters gonna hate.
Anon
You might have been sick and not known it, but clearly you don’t gaf so whatever. What’s another couple dozen disabled people dying in a nursing home in your town, amirite?
anon
Yeah nursing homes are locked down still so I’m not really sure how you go from social distancing in a gym to killing people in nursing homes, but you do you.
Anon
Because that’s how a pandemic works? You’re asymptomatic and breathe hard at the gym through your mask, the custodian who makes $11 an hour and has to be there or get evicted gets it from you, he gives it to his wife who works as a nursing home aide, and so on and so forth. That’s literally how a pandemic spreads…
anon
the people who work in nursing homes may have the bad luck of running into those of you who are engaging in risky behaviors
Anonymous
My MIL died of COVID in a locked-down nursing home. The staff still come in and out. You catch it at the gym or a restaurant or a bar and spread it to a nursing home worker in the grocery store line, then my MIL dies.
Anonymous
Stop it.
Anonymous
Anon at 9:55–wait, you and the other fitness class attendees “wore masks UNTIL the beginning of the workout”? So no masks on during the heavy breathing of the workout itself?
Anonymous
You wore masks until the beginning of the workout? Do you not understand the concept of airborne transmission?
anon
No, I haven’t. I miss it, but it is not worth the risk to me. I have friends who have been pretty cautious throughout the pandemic but are going to orange theory classes. I’m trying not to judge, but I don’t get it. The evidence is pretty clear that the virus is spread via the air, and doing a hard, heavy workout indoors seems foolish at best. And I can’t imagine doing something like OTF in a mask.
Anonymous
This basically describes my gym. I haven’t seen more than a handful of people there at a time since before COVID. I feel comfortable going back with these restrictions.
Anon
We’ve been going back since gyms reopened in our state two months ago. We go to a gym in our neighborhood that even before the pandemic, at peak times, never had more than 15 people in the 4000-sf-plus space at a time (it was a 24-hour gym, it’s not any more, but I guess they had a lot of people who would work out at weird times and that’s how they made money). Even pre-Covid I would go in and work out for an hour and never have anyone on the machine next to me. When the gym first reopened, attendance was pretty sparse; it’s now back to “normal” levels which is not packed by any stretch of the imagination. They’ve gone from gym wipes to providing microfiber washcloths and spray and the gym attendant will say something to people who haven’t wiped down the machine they’ve been using. Also, per state mandate you have to wear a mask the entire time you’re in the gym, no exceptions. It’s enforced by the gym attendants (we saw someone who had taken their mask off while lifting the other day to either put the mask back on or leave. The guy put his mask back on). They also open the doors and windows now for airflow. Our case counts continue to drop and we are under 100 new cases a day at this point and no outbreaks have been traced back to gyms. So.
OP, if you feel safe I wouldn’t worry about going. When ours reopened, I figured I would go and check it out and if I didn’t feel like what I saw was reassuring, I would leave and cancel our membership. But I feel totally safe about going (I feel safer at the gym, witnessing the constant cleaning, than I do going to pick up takeout at small restaurants where people pack into the foyer waiting for their food). I would also take the histrionic “you shouldn’t be going to the gym!!!” comments here with a giant grain of salt. To be real, given how strongly people react to any suggestion that it is not healthy to eat whatever you want at all times and be as overweight as you want to be, I don’t think there are a whole lot of people here in the middle of the Venn diagram of “People who are adamantly opposed to going the gym” and “People who are actively engaged in exercise and healthy eating and care about maintaining their fitness.” Given how enthusiastic many people are when responding to threads about what they’re binge-watching on Netflix, and how many people are posting about how none of their clothes fit any more due to the “Covid 15” (which is probably more like 30 or 45), I don’t think the anti-gym people are instead exercising outside. I think there’s a whole lot of ass-on-couch-for-hours-at-a-time happening. I am not a small person myself, but I have a chronic illness that worsens the heavier I am. I can’t just let myself go and gain a ton of weight or give up on my fitness goals; that will shorten my lifespan and cause debilitating symptoms, and I have a family to take care of. So I am going to keep going to the gym. If a bunch of people on the Internet who would probably be considerably challenged right now to climb a flight of steps without getting winded don’t like it, well – you can imagine how many Fs I have to give about that.
cbackson
Just to provide a counterpoint to your assumption that anybody who thinks going to the gym is a bad idea is a hopelessly unfit person who hates exercise, I’m an ultraendurance bike racer who even through pregnancy and postpartum has exercised at least an hour a day, including the day I went into labor and the first day I came home with my baby, and I think it’s a bad idea.
Anon
cbackson, I hope everything is going well with the new baby. That’s awesome you were able to exercise so much in pregnancy. That’s my hope for myself one day.
cbackson
Thanks! The key was being willing to adjust what I was doing. Listen to your body is never more true than in pregnancy, I think…
Anonymous
You rode a bike 48 hours after giving birth?!? Owwwwww.
But totally agree with your larger point. My husband is obsessed with exercise, used to go to the gym twice a day and won’t set foot in a gym until there’s a vaccine. He just runs outside now. In the winter we might have to buy a treadmill. The idea that everyone being cautious about gyms is a fat lazy slob is just hilarious to me.
cbackson
Oh, heck no – for the first 8 weeks after delivery, I was jogging/speed walking and doing yoga. I had a lot of stuff that needed to heal before I could ride again.
Anonymous
Thanks for the gratuitous fat bashing! I think we’d gone a whole 48 hours without it!
Anon
Ugh I know, but this person clearly has a deep-seated hatred of fat people. I’m sorry that she was probably raised in a toxic household.
anon
Sorry to burst your bubble but I am a thin & fit person who manages to exercise 7 days a week without setting foot in the gym.
Anon
Yup. What a bizarre end to the post above. I don’t do 7, but at least several days (and I didn’t do 7 at the gym before). I’ve actually lost weight during the pandemic.
And I also have posted about binge watching Schitts Creek. The two things can exist at the same time…it’s a long day.
Anon
(Bizarre post above referencing the 10:40 am rant).
anon
Ew David!
It is indeed very easy to make time for both exercise and Netflix :) This may blow Anon @ 10:40’s mind but I also manage to make healthy home-cooked meals every day!
Ribena
I’ve gained the COVID 15 at the same time as eating healthily and doing home or outdoor workouts 5 days a week throughout this – I have just lost my 8-10,000 steps a day that I used to get in just going about my everyday life.
I’m very concerned about it but at the same time you couldn’t pay me to go back into my gym, it was a Petri dish even in the Beforetimes. So I’m someone who fits in the middle of that Venn diagram.
My Downton Abbey binge and knitting is happening in time I used to spend sitting in pubs with friends or in coffee shops people watching.
Chocolate is My Middle Name
I’m anti-gym and still exercising at home. I went from a 5x a week gym attendance rate in March (started in 2014 and kept it up until March 2020) to walking outside and doing videos with hand weights. I’m slowly building a home gym. I suspect there are many of us on this board based on the constant stream of recommendations whenever someone mentions fitness.
AnonMPH
Just a reminder that the cleaning of surfaces is nice, but somewhat of a distraction with a virus that is spread person to person through large droplets exhaled during heavy breathing, talking, sneezing and coughing, as well as to some degree through small, aeresolized droplets that can hang in the air and move through significant (unpredictable) distances in indoor spaces depending on the ventilation systems.
Reposting this article on hygiene theater : https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/07/scourge-hygiene-theater/614599/
So-while everyone being packed in a foyer to grab their takeout food isn’t fabulous, if everyone is masked, and no one is standing there for more than 5 minutes, its still a lot better than prolonged (30+ minutes for a workout) exposure to someone who is breathing heavily in an indoor space.
Indoor spaces are objectively higher risk for exposure than outdoor. Exercise is an activity that increases the amount of virus you are likely to exhale or inhale. If gyms are open where you are, you can go if you want. But lets not any of us pretend that the way these reopening decisions were made was evidence based. Gyms and bars begged and lobbied elected officials to let them open because they didn’t want to go out of business. They should have gotten bailouts, not been allowed to reopen. But the states can’t afford that and the federal government has abdicated leadership, so here we are.
anon
+ a million to the part about reopening decisions not being evidence based
Anon
Yes. This was quite a read yesterday: https://mondaymorning.web.unc.edu/campus-decisions-who-makes-them-with-what-consequences-and-when-to-change-them/
pugsnbourbon
Yiiiiikes, Anon at 10:40. I can change how I eat and exercise if I want to. Are you going to be able to change your nasty, judgmental way of viewing others?
cbackson
I consider gyms one of the least safe environments, for the reasons others have mentioned, so I’m not going and I stopped seeing one of the two friends that I was having socially distanced outdoor walks with when she started going back to hers.
Korvapuusti
I cancelled my gym membership this month, since we got notice that our office is closed through the end of the year and it was located for office, not home, convenience. They are offering outdoor, socially distanced classes, and if I were closer I would be attending those. Instead, I’ve found a bootcamp that meets three mornings a week at an elementary school near me – never more than 8 people there, and we’re very spread out across a blacktop with everyone bringing their own equipment.
Carmen Sandiego
I haven’t. I cancelled my gym membership because I was concerned about that, but then I was considering going to a pilates/yoga studio, because I felt like people generally stay in their one spot, you can space out, less strenuous breathing, etc., and I like pilates and yoga. But then a studio here ended up with an outbreak where 30+ people got COVID. So I backed off of that idea and am just trying to wait it out, or at least wait until the weather gets more tolerable and I can do some stuff outdoors.
A
I’m back at my community-focused boutique fitness studio, classes are capped at very small numbers and the studio is meticulously cleaned twice a day. Common amenities (lockers, refillable water bottle stations, showers, etc) are not available. And we all wear masks during classes while spaced 6-10 feet apart. For me, regular exercise is so much more than burning calories, and shelter-in-place did a number on my mental health so I’m incredibly grateful I’m able to go back.
Everyone has their own risk tolerance and I completely understand why people choose not to go back to the gym making their own calculations. I’m a responsible person and I wear a mask and avoid restaurants, shopping, and social gatherings but I’m not using Covid as an excuse not to take care of myself. If people are ok with patio dining, getting haircuts, and shopping, why is fitness such a taboo?
Anon
Fitness is not a taboo (as people have pointed out 30000x – we know you’re being obtuse). Working out in a gym is the least responsible way to “take care of yourself.” When you have endless free offerings from YouTube, Peloton, fitness bloggers, and so much more, many of which can be done in small spaces with no equipment, it’s selfish (yes, selfish) to go to the gym anyway.
Anonymous
The “studio is meticulously cleaned twice a day.” That’s not protection. It’s just not and you know it.
Taboo because of the movement and breathing. If you were going to vocal practice or singing indoors you would be getting the same pushback.
Maybe some self-reflection is due. Fine if you want to pursue risky behavior for self-motivational reasons. But at least own it. Beyond the pale to try to argue it’s not risky behavior and selfishness.
AIMS
I wouldn’t go but I don’t judge going. I think there are benefits to going and it’s a personal decision. The NYT which is pretty risk averse in their coverage imo had an article about this at the end of June: ‘In Norway, Gymgoers Avoid Infections as Virus Recedes’
I think It depends on a lot of factors, including your gym and the rate of infection in your community.
Cat
+1
I feel like everyone is allocating their “Covid risk” different ways. This OP might be cautious otherwise but is willing to face slightly more exposure in a reduced-capacity gym. I’m cautious otherwise but am about to get on a plane (carefully) for necessary travel. My parents are being cautious otherwise but are happy to distanced-dine out with patio seating. My friends are being cautious otherwise but have started having childcare help come to their home. Etc etc.
As a result, unless you are engaging in crowded indoor activities (parties, bars, etc), I am not judging.
Anonymous
+1
Thanks for this. It does feel like some people are very quick to justify their choices but tear down the choices of others. I don’t know anyone who isn’t doing at least ONE thing described above.
Anon
That article was based on like 6 people and it wasn’t a peer reviewed study. The Times had no business publishing it. Pure clickbait.
AIMS
I don’t think the point was – ‘based on this one article you should def go to the gym!‘
Anon
I am not sure how I would feel about a large, multi-use gym, it would depend on the precautions thwy put in place. I have returned to my Pilates studio. Class size is limited to 10. All reformers are ~ 10 feet apart. Masks are required when not on the reformer. I understand that there is still risk, but to me it is an acceptable risk. The owner is very responsible as are most of the people that attend. A few weeks ago the owner let me know that someone I was in class with the previous week tested positive (she felt bad that evening, got tested and found out a week later she was positive). I then got tested and was negative. That helps me feel that the precautions they have in place are adequate.
M
My gym reopened about a month ago and added a number of outdoor group fitness classes that are in a blocked off area of the plaza next door. I go to those despite being embarrassed about people being able to watch me exercise! Everyone is given an assigned spot 6’+ away from anyone else and everyone has their own mat/weights which get sanitized. No way am I working out indoors anytime soon.
LaurenB
I attend barre classes that are outside. We wear masks (until we begin), we are spaced apart, we bring our own yoga mat / weights / etc and I am never less than 8 feet from anyone else. I have also done a boxing / bootcamp class that was indoors; we were spaced 10 feet apart, again no contact with anything, masks and sanitation. I also work out with a trainer. We have a private room in the gym which is reserved for personal trainers; he wears a mask, I wear a mask until I start to work out, then put it back on when he stretches me. Working out is important for health; to me, it’s far more important than going to a restaurant, which I haven’t been to since the beginning of the pandemic (with one exception).
theguvnah
you wear a mask until you start to work out?
this is like wearing a condom only during foreplay. I’m utterly baffled.
Anonie
I work in healthcare communications for a company with a presence across the US and, for what it’s worth, some hospitals have now reopened their internal workout facilities for patients and staff. I am 100% WFH at this time and I personally am NOT yet willing to go to the gym (I already have plenty of workout equipment at home that I have not been sufficiently consistent about using haha). I also admittedly first felt nervous when some non-work friends told me that they are back in their public gyms. However, I’ve came to the conclusion that gym usage may be relatively lower-risk than I assumed if highly risk-conscience hospital administrators/leadership have decided to allow cancer patients, for instance, to attend workout classes with caps on attendees, rigorous cleaning, and masks.
Anonymous
Nope, because gyms in my state are still closed. I have a hard time imagining going to a gym any time soon. Some of the yoga studios are able to do outdoor classes. I might be ok with that. But inside a gym, probably not.
Anonymous
I went back to my gym when it re-opened in early June. I am comfortable with the protocols – sign-ups for limited slots, designated boxes, temp checks and sanitizer upon entry, masks, assigned equipment that is cleaned after every use, an open garage door, no shared facilities, and most members work out outside. Personally, I have had two fully-indoor workouts and a couple in which I spent about 20 mins of 60 mins inside. The two or three heavy lifters per session are inside more. I have continued to build out my home equipment in anticipation that we will be forced to close again later in the year or the weather will make it more difficult to function as we are now, but I have a small home and no room or money for a full setup. Improving my health this way feels like the most important thing I can do for myself right now.
Anon Probate Atty
Just wanted to thank everyone who responded to my post last week about abdominal pain. I had assumed it was severe gas, but on the advice of some of you, I went to the dr. just in case it was a gallbladder problem. An ultrasound was done, and I found out yesterday evening that I do indeed have gallstones and gallbladder sludge (ew) and the pain I experienced was likely due to passing a gallstone. I’ll be consulting with a surgeon this week about possible removal of the gallbladder. I’m grateful to have discovered this problem before it got worse. Thanks to all of you who commented!
Anonymous
Can you report back after consult? I had a similar issue, ultrasound showed sludge not a stone and doctor recommended diet changes (but was not that specific on what to change) vs surgery.
Anon Probate Atty
Absolutely! From the research I’ve done, I need to really cut down on fatty foods including cheese and fatty cuts of meat. It stinks because I follow (somewhat loosely) Keto so I’ll likely need to find a new way of eating. But if it can prevent this type of pain, obviously worth it.
Anonymous
Sounds like Keto caused this
Anon Probate Atty
Hard to know. Genetics plays a role as well. Gallstones are more common among females over 40 (being overweight is a factor too, but I’m not overweight). I have no sisters, no aunts that are not by marriage, my mom has been deceased for 25 years, my grandmothers both died over 20 years ago, so I really don’t have any close female relatives to look at.
Anon
I’m glad you got checked out! It sounded really extreme for gas. I have a friend who had her gallbladder out in college, she recovered quickly and has been fine since.
Anonymous
I suggested gallbladder as well. I had mine removed when I was 25 (now 53), laproscopic surgery, recovered quickly, no problems since. Good luck!
Diana Barry
Good luck! FWIW, I had about a 2 month gap between my gallstones attack and when I got my gallbladder removed. During that time I ate as low fat as I could – fat free cheese, half and half, etc. (I am fond of dairy), probably more sour gummy bears than was good for me, etc. – and so I didn’t have any attacks in between. The surgery was relatively easy – arthroscopic and I didn’t need any pain meds other than Advil. I WFH for 2 weeks afterwards (although I did have to go to a funeral, which wasn’t super comfortable since I needed to dress up) and was mostly on the couch for that, but could cook and do all normal household stuff, etc. during that time.
Anon Probate Atty
Good to hear! Thanks. I find that cheese gives me at least a twinge of pain whenever I eat even small amounts. Sigh.
Carmen Sandiego
Oh gosh! I’m sorry to hear this; so glad you got it checked though. Good luck and a speedy recovery to you!
Anonymous
I had my gallbladder removed 2 years ago and the surgery changed my life. Seriously. Went in for surgery on a Wed. and was back at work on a Monday. No dietary issues whatsoever. I suffered for 2 full years before I thought to get it checked out. Somehow I thought it was just part of getting older. Kudos to you for getting it checked out so quickly.
Jules
Glad you have a diagnosis! I had my first gall bladder attack at about age 40 – a stone passing through the common duct – and it was the worst pain I ever had, no contest. (Nearly drug-free childbirth was a breeze in comparison.) I then went maybe two years without any more incidents, and I didn’t get the surgery for another several years, maybe 7-9, I don’t recall. My doctor gave me a little meds kit, a few each of an anti-nausea drug, an anti-spasmodic maybe and a pain med. You don’t have to have the surgery right away, if you don’t have frequent symptoms.
I agree that the surgery is relatively easy, although I had some complications that caused a lot of pain and sent me to the ER a couple of days later.
Sunshine Too
Glad you got it checked out. I had gallstones on my ultrasound and immediately scheduled removal. It was honestly the best decision. The removal was done laproscopically as outpatient surgery. The very next day, I was eating normally. I did have some abdominal pain due to the incisions and this was mostly apparent when trying to get out of bed or off the couch, but that subsided quickly. I thought it would be much worse. Since the removal, I’ve had zero issues.
Anon
Is anyone here on an NDMS team or a similar team (FEMA reserves, or even military reserves, etc?). I have found a dream opportunity on one of these teams and am very intrigued but don’t know anyone on one.
I’m not in the medical field (I am an emergency manager, this role fits very well with my current job, and I am dying to be deployable) and would love to know more about balancing it with my career, the training, how often you tend to deploy, etc.
Anon
In case no one else responds, I can speak to the military reserves.
“Two weeks a year, one weekend a month” is true only for the lowest ranking members who have no responsibilities. The military reserves have a few full-time, M-F, 9-5 people who handle day-to-day operations, but if you’re in management, you’ll still be handling emails and phone calls a few times a week to orchestrate next month’s training, because Private Snuffy got a DUI, to take the latest online training. If your civilian job is draining, dealing with a second job in the evenings can be even worse. And losing a weekend every month can be really wearing. Lots of military people stick it out because of health and retirement benefits make it worth it – it’s just a lot to juggle as a working adult, especially if you have a family.
Anon
This is very helpful, thank you. If the NDMS job I’m looking into doesn’t work out I would also strongly consider the Army reserves for several reasons. As I see how things go with my main career and a secondary/reserve type career I may post here again!
Anon
In that case, I’m sure you know this, but remember the Reserves are controlled by the president and the National Guard is controlled by each state’s governor. The National Guard is called out for natural disasters, etc and used more frequently since there’s a lower threshold to activation. If helping after every tornado, hurricane, flood or wildfire sounds good to you, look at the Guard instead of the Reserves if they offer whatever your job is. (The Reserves and National Guard don’t always share the same career sets.)
anonshmanon
The emergency manager that I am friends with is a CERT trainer, I think it’s part of his day job. Deployment is obviously unpredictable and hopefully never.
Anon
Ah that is the difference between you and I. Deployments are the goal :)
Mold allergy
I have a pretty severe mold allergy and live in the rainy SEUS where my yard is all mushrooms now. The mold readings are through the roof. I get allergy shots, but I just feel also like I have all of the COVID symptoms. How to I reassure people I encounter (masked) that I am not Typoid Mary? I have gotten tested twice this summer for COVID and also for COVID antibodies, all negative, including in the last week.
Anonymous
I guess it depends on context. I have “seasonal” (ahem year round) allergies. When I sneeze at a grocery store, if anyone turns to look at me, I brightly say “it’s just allergies I swear!” and no one seems to have a problem with it. I’ve started to go back to the office recently; one person sits outside my office, so I gave her a heads up about my allergies, but she already knew because I was always sneezing even before COVID. Yes I do take allergy meds.
A persistent cough is harder to explain, I think. I would do basically anything I could to not cough in public rn. Cough drops? Drink a lot of water?
Anonymous
I’ve been drinking so much, that I might as well have my home office in my bathroom.
LaurenB
When I have had to sneeze in public, I just repress it (I’m wearing a mask anyway, of course). That seems like the politest thing to do, given how on-edge everyone is about sneezing (for obvious reasons).
Vicky Austin
I’ve been told by our hospital infection expert that sneezing actually indicates you probably don’t have COVID. Commiseration from my house in the middle of several hay fields.
Anonymous
+1 I’ve had terrible allergies for months and my doctor said I didn’t need to get tested because I was sneezing so much. It’s a cough without a sneeze that suggests Covid over allergies (and obviously a fever).
Anon
Headed on (a covid safe)
vacation tomorrow to sit on the beach and do nothing after a hellacious year at work. What is your go to when you really, really need to unplug (aside from throwing my work phone in the ocean, which I’m very tempted to do)? Some of my favorite de-stress activities are not things I’m able/willing to do now so looking for new ways to super relax on vacation.
Anonymous
Read novels.
Anon Probate Atty
Lounge in a chair under an umbrella with a drink in one hand and a book in the other. Also, walk on the beach, people watch, play board games and sleep. Hope you truly relax and unplug!
Anon
I find I’m so much more relaxed when I’m not staring at a screen – magazines, books – reading real paper helps me destress.
Anonymous
I find I’m so much more relaxed when I’m not staring at a screen – magazines, books – reading real paper helps me destress.
Anon
My vote is for body surfing and getting in the water. You can sit and read at home, but water and waves are restorative and immersive.
anon
Swim til you’re frozen, then read something light on the beach until you’re hot again. Repeat.
Anonymous
Something physically active. Are walks on the beach allowed?
Cb
In the evening, I’d recommend a yoga nidra meditation before you got o bed. So soothing.
Cat
stuff you can’t do at home! Super long beach walks (carry a mask if you’ll be getting near others), getting in the water, reading a physical book (better even than a Kindle though for travel I can see it wouldn’t be easy to pack hard copies), etc.
Just sitting and people watching and looking at the ocean.
Getting beachy food – takeout or outdoors – mmmm fresh fish.
Having tropical drinks – I never have rum at home so anything rum-based automatically gets me into Vacation Mode.
pugsnbourbon
This is a perfect beach vacation. I swim. I have a mai tai. I sit in my chair, I look at the water, and no one talks to me. It is truly bliss.
Anon
Beach reads. If you have a space with a kitchen, tackle a recipe or two you haven’t tried before. But not if cooking stresses you out.
Anon
Sleep in and not feel guilty about it!
Marie
Listen to chick lit on audio books and stare out into the water with a fruity drink.
Anonymous
For those of you with people close to you in your life who have anxiety (esp people you live with like boyfriends/spouses etc), do you find that they have “whine” (for lack of better words) sessions periodically? Like going down this road of — nothing feels good, nothing is getting better, mediation/yoga [insert any suggestion] won’t work, finding a hobby – what’s that going to do, IDK who to talk to, IDK who to call [when you say – how about calling your primary dr, how about getting blood work done – though it was done 8 mos ago so we’re not talking a situation where they don’t see drs. for years at a time]. Like it’s ALL miserable, it’s all bad, it’ll never get better, I just want to complain about the same thing every morning even if I ruin your morning and not take any suggestions. How do you deal? Do you engage even if you feel you’re repeating the same thing daily and it’s giving YOU palpitations? Or do you go back to — we’ve talked about this?
It’s getting hard for the rest of the household to have someone who is just miserable, does NOTHING to fix it, won’t even TRY to engage in anything to see if it can be a distraction, or will do something like meditation for 3 days and declare — nope doesn’t work; but wants an audience to complain to AND feel miserable with him; like I don’t want to be a household where no one else should laugh or have fun or talk about — hey after the pandemic let’s travel to x etc. And I’m getting a bit concerned about my own heart palpitations — it’s probably NBD but I have some cardiac issues and haven’t followed up with my cardiologist in the last 2-3 months as previously scheduled as I figured I could just wait out the pandemic and go next year — and now almost daily I’m like, hmm should I be calling my cardiologist here (though reality is — it’s stress what’s he really going to say)?
Anonymous
Ok so first of all start taking care of your own heart condition today right now.
And second of all I don’t tolerate it. You refuse to treat your anxiety? Sit alone in your room you aren’t inflicting that on me. You keep refusing and it impacts my kids? File for divorce.
Anonymous
You don’t have to be a constant sounding board for your partner. They are not entitled to ruin your morning every morning. Talk to them when they’re not mid-rant. Tell them how this is impacting you. Ask what they suggest. If they start – idk I’m just awful woe is me – then redirect back to constructive tools you both need to use to meet each other’s needs.
Anonymous
This is how mentally ill people are. They are totally self-centered. The only thing to do is to give them an ultimatum–start taking steps to fix this or I will leave.
annoyed
That’s not true. This may be how self centered people are. But tons of people you know have mental illnesses, they just handle it. Honestly, I’m much more annoyed by the people who refuse to go to a therapist/get meds/whatever (who may not have a diagnosed mental illness) than by the people who have done all that (and may have a diagnosis + the stigma you’re putting on them.
Anon
As someone who suffers from anxiety and depression, I disagree pretty heartily with this statement. People with (I use this informally) “issues” may be self-centered, but people with anxiety and depression are often just the opposite – worried that they’re a burden to others.
Anon
Mental illness does not cause people to be self-centered. Some self-centered people have mental illnesses and use them as an excuse, but it’s a crappy one. Plenty of people have and manage their mental illnesses (or aren’t able to fully manage them for whatever reason but still aren’t self-centered about it).
Anon
Yikes! You’re being inflammatory and you know it. Why not just sit this one out?
Anon
Uh no. There are anxiety and depression and there are struggles to deal with it, and then there are people who have personality/childhood/behavioral issues that mean they’re seeking attention and/or lack productive skills to handle a medical condition.
If you aren’t married to this person, bail now. It’ll be a lifetime of manufactured neediness and an inability to do the hard work to grow.
I’ve been with this person and it’s exhausting and it literally never gets better until they want to stop their unhelpful behavior patterns. You can’t save them and shouldn’t have to. They are an adult. Even in the depths of depression when I briefly considered self-harm, in the depths of anxiety when I was paralyzed by imagined embarrassment and fear of mistakes, I never manipulated/complained/whined to others.
anomanom
Either said person makes changes, or one of you needs to remove yourself from the situation. Which is easier said than done, but you can’t let your own health go. I have a friend who does this, and thankfully mostly responds to my saying I can’t engage on that today. I suffer from depression and negative people stewing in their negativity around me all the time has and will throw me into a similar depressive spiral. Its similar with diet talk, too much diet talk and I spiral into an eating episode. It sounds like said person is not yet willing to do what they need to do to stop this behavior (see a therapist consistently) and until then you can’t keep exposing yourself to it. When they are ready to make positive steps, maybe. But in general I find people who need audiences for their negativity don’t improve much.
Ellen
I think she must take care of her OWN health. When you have a significant other (either a husband or a boyfreind) that you are haveing s-x with, it is natural that they will vent on you with their issues, some all of the time, even when you are haveing s-x. That is what my ex did, and believe me it gets tiring listening to a broken record repeating stuff, even when you are trying to “escape” b/c that is the only way I can get to orgasm, and it hardly ever happened, b/c even when I tried to zone him out, it was difficult, and he usually petered out b/f I could climax, and he just rolled off and continued the whining. Not anything that anyone would ever want in a relationship. I am so glad to be free of that schlub, tho once in a while I do miss the closeness (tho NOT the conversation).
Jess
You should go to your cardiologist even if it’s just anxiety.
Also there were good posts here a couple weeks ago about what type of home you want to have. Like do you want a home full of laughter or tension….Maybe if you could find those and discuss them with your SO.
Also, you can set a limit on their venting sessions since they’re choosing not to see a therapist (remotely). Tell him breakfast is a complaint free zone. If he complains, get up and move outside or somewhere else peaceful. And maybe be blunt and kick your partner out one weekend afternoon to take a literal hike or read in a coffee shop. And take yourself and the kids out the other weekend afternoon to the zoo or to a pool or a park (whatever you can think of that’s appropriate given the pandemic). Maybe you and the kids can tie-dye shirts in the backyard? Seriously feel free to lay a guilt trip on him–point out afterwards if he ever brings the mood down with the kids. If the cardiologist says you should reduce your stress, put more responsibility on him. Make him read the pdf on emotional labor.
I’m sorry if you’re already doing these things; I hope someone older and wiser than me will have better insight for you. I also think it might be helpful to think ahead to what your relationship will be like after retirement–for example, you might want to keep yourself busy and out of the house, do more social events than he does, and even travel without him if he’s a wet blanket.
Anonymous
Anger is a sign of depression, so it may make them feel good in the moment but it’s really a symptom and sign that the depression is not well managed.
Anon
It’s awful but what that person is asking for is a sympathetic ear. Not a problem solving session. It’s a huge burden for you and I’m sorry. It’s so difficult.
Kat in Va
I have a very accurate and extremely inelegant phrase for this: Please stop using me as an emotional tampon.
People get in the habit of dumping all their misery, sads, depression, upset, big feelings, etcetera on you. Now you’ve soaked all that up and they toddle off feeling – not better, exactly – but relieved in that they were able to dump all that waste onto you and get it out of themselves.
However, as a spouse/SO, handling all their bad feels is not your job. It’s not your responsibility to take on all the big feelings for your SO. There’s a huge difference between “My boss is such a jerk” and “My boss is such a jerk and makes me miserable and now you and everyone within a five mile square radius has to be miserable too…” followed by three hours of nonstop complaining and dragging the whole tone of the entire household down into the well.
Other folks in this thread have given some good coping strategies. The one I end up having to employ the most (with a spouse who has a habit of falling into negative spirals and wants to do everyone handy a favor and drag them down with him) is to allow him to feel his feels because he is absolutely allowed to do that, of course – I’m not going to say WELL YOU CAN’T FEEL LIKE THAT.
However, when it becomes apparent that it’s just another self-indulgent bitch n’ whine session, I tell him brightly, “Welp, that’s it, I’ve had enough, hope you can fix this!” and then find something else to do…either losing myself in reading or literally getting up and going elsewhere.
He’ll either leave me over it, drop dead over it, or (as always) get over it and move on. I support him, of course, but it’s not my job to be his emotional trampoline/punching bag/tampon so he can dump all his bad feelings onto me without actually dealing with them. This goes double for the kids, as it’s not currently and never should be their job to prop him up when he’s flying up his own butt with his crappy feelings.
Anon
I think I was like this when I was slowly getting worse from an undiagnosed, untreated autoimmune condition that was progressing a little more each day. It took two years and several neurologists to be appropriately tested, diagnosed, and treated. I was desperate for help and felt like I was starting to lose my mind. I’m so, so grateful to the family who stood by me, believed me, and helped advocate for me with doctors who wanted to trivialize my symptoms or have me try yet another useless psych med or course of therapy. I’m now on treatment and feel fine. But this is how I felt and how I must have sounded when I’d sought medical help and been told my tests were all normal or that they’d “ruled out” the condition I ended up having.
CalculaterGirl
It sounds like you guys have some communication issues – as much as we like to blame it on the other person (or the idea that a “pill” would fix everything), communication is always a two way street. My hubby has PTSD, which comes with anxiety, frustration, anger, depression, etc. We are far from perfect, but what makes things very workable for us is good communication. He is not WRONG for feeling the way that he feels – everyone is entitled to their feelings. Depression is a chronic condition just as real as a pinched nerve, and the truth is that prescription drugs are FAR from a cure. I think you guys need to have an honest conversation about how you can better support each other as partners (note the neutral tone! This is not an attack on him for being depressed, it’s a strategy meeting between two people on the SAME team!). Ask him what kind of things you could do to help him when he’s having a hard time, and in exchange let him know what things he can do to help your anxiety (i.e. when is the best/hardest times for you to hear him? Let him know that its SO helpful to you when he helps the morning be peaceful, and waits until the evenings to talk about heavy things.) One thing that can help your partner (and likewise you in return), is to let him know every single time you appreciate something he does/he makes your life better (takes out the trash, got the kids to bed, rubbed your feet, ANYTHING no matter how small). Depressed people NEED to hear that they are an important part of your life, and positive encouragement is important. Regularly remind him of things he is really good at! We also have an “agreement” that I’m allowed to say “you know what, my brain is completely full for the day. I need to talk about something lighter/watch Netflix”, and then we do (it’s a simple, respectful way to enforce healthy boundaries). Some specific things I do that have help my hubby (and trust me, he has his own list of things he does for me):
– Regular shoulder/neck/back massages. Tension and depression show up physically sometimes.
– Quickies, whenever possible!
– I encourage him to do activities he enjoys that help release pressure (shooting range, golf, car stuff, etc.)
– When I give advice, I word it in a way that encourages open communication (Do you think it would help if you tried xyz? vs If you would just xyz this wouldn’t be a problem).
– Encourage time with friends/dinner parties, etc. Get him in social situations in an environment where he feels comfortable
– Encourage him to try Medical CBD and/or cannibas! There are hundreds of different strains, and a Sativa strain is an upper that will literally help his brain escape the depression. Doesn’t carry the nasty side effects of prescription drugs and can be life changing (please withhold your judgment until you’ve researched! small doses/the right strains are very effective and won’t leave him “stoned out of his mind”)
– If you can tell he’s going to his “bad place”, try asking a (sincere) question about a topic he knows a lot about/enjoys (cars, guns, sports, etc). Just getting his brain to engage with something different can help.
I hope you guys get to a better place! I’m sure you got together for a reason, and he probably has lots of other great qualities that would make your relationship completely worth it once you problem solve this! It’s also hopefully temporary for him, and this could be a time to grow stronger as a couple. Wishing you all the best!
TTC
How long would you wait after starting a new job until TTC (first time)? In an ideal world I’d want to wait a year, but my husband and I are both 34. I do plan to be at this job for several years and am concerned about building up a good reputation.
Anonymous
4 months so I get maternity leave.
Anon
Conceiving is one thing you can’t control. Start now and take whatever as it comes.
Anon
No, don’t start now. If you conceive immediately – which is a real possibility – you won’t even be eligible for unpaid FMLA. You want to go back to work with a 2 week old? No way. OP, wait a minimum of 4 months in case you conceive right away and/or baby comes a bit early. I would personally wait more like 6-12 months to build up goodwill (I was NOT at my best while pregnant or postpartum) but it depends how many kids you want and how devastated you’d be if conceiving took a while.
Anon
You can control when you don’t have a baby! If you start now you may not qualify for leave, depending on how terrible your employer is. Also plenty of people get pregnant the first time, so don’t start trying early assuming it takes 3 months.
Cat
If it would be material to your decision, check your company’s policy on when you are entitled to paid leave (i.e., salaried leave, vs what you get from short term disability). Some companies only provide paid leave after X amount of time employed, or provide less than the full amount of paid leave until that time.
Anon
I would go off BC, start tracking cycles and ovulation, but not actively TTC until 4 months in.
Anon
^This. Let your cycle even out so you know when you’re ovulating etc.
anon
I second this, although there is obviously the risk of getting pregnant on your first cycle of tracking. Not everyone knows when they ovulate (I did not!). If you don’t know when you ovulate, I recommend buying ovulation predictor kits online (basically a strip you dip into your pee everyday) to help you figure out when you are ovulating. They are cheap and easy to do. I thought about buying one of those devices you wear to sleep but was not sure if it would work for me since I have long irregular cycles (I am glad I didn’t). Good luck!
Anon.
Yes, this. But keep using a barrier method of protection during those 4 months.
Anon
Anyone else in California disturbed by this “rolling outages” situation? It’s looking like it might be some kind of political stunt to drum up support for reopening fossil fuel plants, but that aside, it’s dangerous (always, but especially during a pandemic). My area is facing temperatures of 105+ degrees for days on end (barely cooling overnight) and even two hours without air conditioning is brutal. I also don’t understand why this is even happening when it’s not peak usage (compared to heat waves in the past) and when so many businesses are closed down due to the pandemic and not using electricity.
I’m not sure I want to live in this state anymore – I’ve never, ever had place-based anxiety like this (wildfires, heat, earthquakes, extremely high COL, extreme income disparities – all in my region, not just statewide) living anywhere else and I don’t see the climate change side of things improving anytime soon, even with our Democratic stranglehold on state politics. I was born here and grew up here and don’t know if I can continue to be happy here…a sad feeling. I love so much about this state, but am finding it hard to even imagine a positive future here. Then again, it’s not like there is anywhere in this country that is free of problems. I guess I have some decision-making to do.
Anonymous
You sound deeply unhinged. No. It isn’t a political stunt. Your State is running out if power in a heat wave. This is a thing that happens. They are sensibly doing rolling brownouts to prevent a catastrophic system failure.
Anonymous
I feel that people leave CA all the time b/c it is shockingly expensive and the QOL you get for that is abysmal. It is crazy that people who have finished school and have “good” jobs should spend hours commuting (or otherwise be forced to live as an undergrad for decades of adult life). It is a beautiful state. But it is a beautiful country. There are other parts, affordable parts, parts where we don’t have brownouts, etc. You may trade a long commute for occasional hurricanes / tornados / ice storms and no place is perfect. But the uHaul people say that more people move from California than move to it. Maybe Texas? Maybe a Carolina? Maybe Arizona? Look around — you can always go back to visit.
Anonymous
This is why I moved away from CA after graduating from college. It’s just not possible for most people to build a good life there. Even if you are super rich, there’s still smog and traffic.
Anon
Maybe get your facts straight before insulting people? https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/16/business/california-blackouts.html
Anonymous
What happens to traffic lights and hospitals during these rolling blackouts? I’ve lived overseas and the electricity was more reliable.
Anon
They keep power. I say this as a person who lives blocks away from a hospital. I haven’t ever been part of the rolling blackouts and I think my proximity is why.
Anon
They have back up generators for hospitals and other facilities that can’t go without power for health reasons. They are designed to kick in after X period of time (usually a few minutes) without power and life-saving machines like bypass machines often have back-up batteries for the same reason.
Anonymous
I lived in California and we had rolling blackouts some summers. It is not a political stunt. It happens — and is likely happening more after fire caused by PG&E last summer or the year before (the years all run together in my mine now that we are in pandemic time). The power grids are old and power is at a high usage based on the heat and everyone at home.
Anon
No–I’m not disturbed by it. It happened when I was in college. This is grid/CPUC mismanagement.
California runs better than many states. I know it is very, very hot where you are. I am sorry. But you should not have “place-based” anxiety–I mean, you could move to another part of the country and deal with hailstorms, blizzards, tornadoes, hurricanes, etc. Natural phenomena happen everywhere.
Please talk this out with a therapist, because, gently, you sound overwhelmed.
Anonymous
I disagree. I am from California and have lived all over the country, and CA is by far the worst for natural disasters and weather emergencies.
Anon
Tornados and hurricanes are rough, but until you’ve lived through multiple wildfire seasons in California when you’re not sure if your neighborhood is going to be the next to go under mandatory evacuation, you probably can’t really get how uniquely stressful it is. Unlike hurricanes, you don’t always get a few days or longer to plan – it can happen in an instant. Seeing the smoke-filled sky and trying to get away on roads crowded with millions of others is harder than you realize.
Anon
Oh, please. California is nothing special. You don’t always get time to plan in other parts of the country. Iowa just had a “derecho” that is basically on the level of Katrina, and they knew something was coming about 10 minutes before it hit. AND nobody is paying attention to it, because it’s Iowa.
Anon
I think this answer is the right one. If you don’t like what you’re facing in California, the answer is to get therapy to deal with it or to move somewhere else. If you don’t see yourself happy there, something needs to change.
Though natural disasters happen everywhere, some places are better than others. If particular types of disasters are more anxiety-inducing to you than others, you can also move based on that. I grew up in Tornado Alley and lived for a few years in one of the worst cities in the whole country for tornadoes. I’ve since moved to a place that doesn’t get them and it makes me so happy to not have to worry about them.
anon
I mostly agree with anon at 11:41 (born and raised Californian who moved away for school/work and then came back). While wildfires are scary (I’ve had to evacuate twice in the last few years), I’ve accepted the various natural disasters, high COL, traffic, etc. as the price of admission for living here. Weather is super super important to me and I’m not really willing to live somewhere with bad weather for half the year (or more). I also love the other things that the major cities in CA offer, like access to the ocean, diversity, great food, etc. Does the state have serious problems like income disparity, absolutely. But there’s no other place I’d rather live (and I say that after having lived in NYC for a number of years).
SMC-San Diego
Hello from San Diego!
And yes – I have lived other places but California’s combination of great weather, diversity, liberal politics, and things to do keep me here. Not to mention my family is here and my father’s pollen allergies combined with my mother’s seasonal affective disorder means they are not leaving either.
Besides – where would I go? I am not moving to a red state or one that spends 6 months of the year with snow or the desert. (Not that there is anything wrong with those – but they are definitely not for me.) So Californian for life!
Seventh Sister
I grew up on the East Coast and while I definitely have my bouts of envy looking at the huge houses of my high school friends who stayed in the general area, I’d rather live in LA than anyplace else in the US. Does it have problems? Sure. So do other places.
anon
I am annoyed, but not disturbed. On the grand scale of a government deliberately mismanaging challenges and making millions suffer to further their own agenda, well, this isn’t the worst of my worries.
It’s also interesting how you connect a democratic stranglehold with this being a stunt to drum up support for reopening fossil fuel plants – how do these two go together?
Anonymous
Do you all not have nuclear power? Not fossil fuel. Not sunshine dependent. People keep trying to put solar in the SEUS and I’m all “um, it rains all the time here; WTF” as they are an eyesore. Is nuclear just not done anymore, like it is coal or sunshine or brownouts?
anon
Interesting question! According to Google, CA has two running nuclear plants, but is trying to move away from nuclear power. As an environmentalist, I’ve come around to see the benefits of nuclear as a low emission bridge technology, but there is also earthquakes to consider. I’d rather have brown-outs than Fukushima.
Anonymous
There are some nuclear plants in CA and two in the SEUS state where I now live. It’s awfully difficult to get the community support you need for a new nuclear plant, because they are … nuclear.
anon
California has 2 operating nuclear power plants. But California is prone to earthquakes, which is not a great match for nuclear power.
Anon
Nuclear isn’t really done anymore because as a technology it is not really compatible with variable generation because it can’t be ramped up or down, it just runs at the same level at all times. Coal is similar but can ramp up and down a bit more. Natural gas plants are the most flexible, especially the newer units (the old units can ramp up and down but it impacts their overall life because they weren’t designed for ramping) and they help with integrating the increased amount of solar and wind on the grid. The future will likely be renewables, batteries plus some natural gas plants.
The company I work for used to design and build nuclear plants. We still provide services to the industry that is still around but I think it would be challenge to build new plants because lot of the knowledge has been lost due to retirements. As as technology they are a huge investment because of the extra reviews that are needed given the higher risk and the life of the plant (decommissioning a nuclear plant can take decades). There are some companies building smaller units but I don’t think they have really taken off.
Anon
I work in the CA Energy Sector. The main issue causing the lack of power is that we have some odd weather, we have high temperatures + clouds. The solar generation is being impacted by the clouds. As far as I know the outages have been limited. The warming is issued that they might happen because there is very high uncertainty with weather impacting solar and even wind generation. The warning is necessary so people can prepare ahead of time. This is not a political stunt to push for more fossil because what is happening could also be used to push for more renewable energy projects and battery storage.
Lobbyist
Can you get solar and batteries at your house? Then you can be resilient during times like this. I dont know if you can finance the batteries, but you can finance the panels so it works out to be the same as your utility bill each month.
Anon
You can do that but if you want a system that can “island” as in operate of the grid when there is an outage (working connected with the grid otherwise) you need additional electronics that would make it expensive. There is also limited equipment for this market that is UL compliant and that is required for the utility to let you connect anything to their system. To get benefit of net-metering (selling to the utility the energy you don’t use when you have too much generation) you have to be connected to the grid, this is necessary to make the economics pan out.
You can get grants in California to pay for the batteries and the tax incentive available for solar also applies to the batteries based on the proportion of the energy going to battery from solar (SGIP for Batteries to pay for the batteries, extra money available for people in disadvantaged communities and those who are impacted by fire related shut-offs). There might be companies that provide a package deal for residential but that is not my area of expertise (look at the major solar installers). I evaluate systems for commercial and industrial entities where loss of power has an economic impact or loss of critical services so the additional cost can be justified.
It is also important to note that you will not be able to run things with motors or equipment that pulls a lot of power from the battery, it will be for limited loads only.
My personal feeling is that power loss like this is not pleasant but it really isn’t worth spending the money. People in area with snow storms and more severe weather had back-up generators but getting power back on line for those events can take a long time (days) because work crews have to go fix physical problems where energy shortages only last a couple of hours because the utilities spread out the cut-offs.
The consideration are of course very different if you have someone that needs power for medical devices or other special needs or if you deal with more routine shut-offs due to fires.
LostLawGrad
Any tips for building a professional wardrobe as a 2020 grad who wants to take advantage of all these sales? To give you context, in law school I interned exclusively at legal aid organizations where the dress codes were super casual, so my professional wardrobe is very barebones. The dress code is business formal at my state court clerkship this year, but I will be working remotely at least half time until my court house goes into the next phase of re-opening. I don’t know where I will be going afterwards, but I imagine a firm with a more formal dress code. I guess what I’m asking is, what should I buy knowing that remote work is likely to stick around for the next couple of years?
Anonymous
You shouldn’t. Do you not have student loans? You do not need to buy clothes now that someday you might need at a job you don’t even have yet. Total waste of money. Keep your wardrobe barebones, gradually add pieces as needed.
LostLawGrad
I do have a job…if you read my post I need to be in business formal for my clerkship, will need to be on site somewhat regularly, and it seems like I will need to be on camera regularly for other duties (mediation, etc.). I’m unsure what I am supposed to even be wearing on camera and I don’t have more than one outfit that would be considered business formal, hence the post.
Anonymous
No you were talking years into the future. If your clerkship is business formal and you only have one suit obviously yes, but two more and a few blouses.
Anon
This. It’s fun to buy new things now but don’t trick yourself into thinking it’s a necessity. (She says as she closes some shopping tabs.)
Imah
I took advantage of the MM LaFleur sale knowing that their clothes is timeless, you can use certain pieces for casual wear, and can mix and match. I do agree that maybe stick with barebones until you are back in the office, but if you enjoy shopping and your bills are taken care of… I think it makes sense. I see that Banana republic is having a sale soon.
The original Scarlett
Nothing. Styles will change by then and all you’ll have is dusty and dated items. I’m so annoyed I refreshed my wardrobe in January. Seriously, unless you need it now, just put that money in a future shopping account. I also predict either a return to very formal looks or the opposite, super casual, so it’s too hard to even guess what might be the thing in after times.
Anon
I think clothing sales will be a permanent feature for the next while as stores try to entice shoppers, and I also think it’ll be hard to guess future wardrobe requirements. I’d focus on a few staples – pants you like (I was wearing J.Crew Cameron pants nearly every day before the pandemic), pretty tops that have interest (bows, folds that look interesting on camera and would also lay flat under a blazer and could work on their own on days you don’t need a jacket), and a few swackets (sweater jackets) that can be dressed up or down depending on circumstance and accessories.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t buy anything for firm life until you actually get there.
For video at your clerkship, I love the J. Crew Going Out Blazer.
Anon
I would maaaayyyybe add one more suit. You probably have enough tops since you won’t be going in 5 days a week for a while – 2-3 tops would be enough. I would also consider buying a secondhand suit jacket and using that at home for video conferences, and keeping your 1-2 suits for in person. On video, it doesn’t matter if your top and bottom perfectly match, etc.
Kitten
There are always sales. I’d also wait. Many courts have relaxed dress codes right now as well.
I work in a firm and we’re all back in the office but the dress code is casual (jeans) Friday everyday.
I miss my clothes :(
Anon
Piling on, but I went from a federal court clerkship (business formal every day), to Biglaw (business casual getting less formal everyday). My rotation of 7 or 8 clerkship suits are gathering dust and no longer in style, so I should just donate at this point. I spent a lot when I started Biglaw and regret it because I developed new requirements for clothes when I went from 8 hour to 12 hour days: must be comfortable sitting, machine washable only, no more button fronts. Also, I’ve managed to gain 10-15 pounds after hitting 30 that I can’t shake and so I’m sized out of the smaller end of that initial wardrobe bought in my late 20s.
Anonymous
I got through my clerkship with two suits, a handful of tops, and three dresses that could be worn with jackets (think sheath dress and jacket). Two pairs of pumps. I would shop sales and not worry about being out of fashion like the poster below, just buy classic pieces in classic colors. Wait until you are at your firm to shop for it.
City chick
It make sense to buy a few pieces that you like and will wear now, but probably hold off on more than that. Styles change – when I graduated law school Jcrew cardigans, Brooks bro button downs, and pencil skirts of various colors were standard workwear, and now those look super dated and I got rid of all of them. And the norms can really differ by industry (big firm vs govt etc).
Check out the MM Lafleur sale – the Etsuko dress is simple, machine washable, and has long sleeves (so ok on a call without a blazer). The Morandi wrap cardigan would be a luxurious layer for more casual days. Didion and Deneuve tops would be great for Zoom calls. I love the Zhou and Pippa pants, but they seem more likely to become dated within a year or so. Everlane cashmere has been popping up in their sale section and it my go-to with trousers in the fall/winter, the crew can be layered under a blazer.
Vicarious Shopping - Athleisure Edition
Hi all! I lost 10 pounds over the past two months or so and am looking to buy a cute workout/athleisure/wfh outfit to celebrate. However, I am overwhelmed with options and somehow at the same time finding difficulty finding a cute matching set in my size. I think you ladies can help!
Here’s what I’m looking for: leggings and sports bra, tank to match, and cute jacket or wrap for on top. I tend to like prints/patterns/tie dye more than solids, and darker, cooler-toned colors more than lighter warmer tones. I’m 29 and size L on bottom and M for tanks/sports bras. Probably a L for jackets or wraps (just because I like them cozy). Budget is open because this is an intentional splurge! I usually shop at old navy for workout stuff but I want to step it up and feel great in a new outfit.
Thanks in advance and happy Tuesday everyone!
Jsnf
I saw a lot of these at Athleta! A little pricey but would work for a splurge like this
Anonymous
+1. Athleta sounds like just what OP is looking for.
Katie
Yup, Athleta would be my first stop here.
Anonymous
Another recommendation for Athleta.
Elderlyunicorn
Cute workout gear always makes me feel like working out more :) Sweaty Betty has cute things, but tend to be more solids. I would definitely suggest browsing through Carbon 38, or Spiritual Gangster. ASOS has some cute stuff as well, but more for the “leisure” than the working out, maybe. Enjoy!
Anon4This
My husband has been struggling with ED for quite some time, and it got worse after the birth of our child. The doctor thinks its a mix of physical issues and psychological (he’s on the waiting list for a procedure and some counselling) and recommended medication in the meantime.. He has V-medicine but we struggle with the planning and are irregular as a result. The doctor called yesterday and recommended a daily dose medication. Any anecdata on this? Has it helped your partner?
Anonymous
I don’t have much advice, I just wanted to chime in to give all the kudos to you and your husband for tackling this. I’ve had several partners with ED issues and none of them would go to a doctor. It’s encouraging that there are men out there who will actually take care of their health!
Anon for this of course
My husband uses a daily dose medication and it works quite well. He just needs to be consistent about taking it.
Anon
The weekend pill is better than the one that only lasts a few hours.
What’s the procedure? I didn’t know this was treatable with a procedure.
Anon4This
He is uncircumcised and part of the issue is the foreskin not retracting fully, causing pain and it makes it difficult to get excited if you’re expecting pain.
Go for it
I’m going to Throw this out there ~despite the fact that he’s an adult~ he could get a circumcision. With anesthesia!
It’s a big deal; however, permanent relief from painful arousal for life is a trade I’d personally be willing to make.
Vicky Austin
OK, silly question: last fall my dog (then a puppy) pulled the runner off the table and brought my favorite fall-scented candle with it. The glass container shattered, obviously, but the candle itself was fine. I saved it in a Ziploc and would like to try to burn it again this fall. What should I search for to find something I can safely burn it in?
Anon
Just put it on a plate. It’s still a candle like any other.
Anonymous
This. A plate on your kitchen counter.
Ribena
If it was a jar candle it will need to be burnt in a jar. I would find another jar candle of the same size, burn that down, then pop it in the empty jar.
Abby
^ Ribena is right. if you can’t find another jar that fits it, you can melt it down in a double broiler and pour it into a new jar. Glass would work fine or you can empty out an old candle holder. I make candles as a hobby, so you def cannot just burn it on a plate if it was previously in a jar.
Vicky Austin
Thank you both!! I’m sure I can find another jar (it was just a Bath and Body Works candle, of which I have plenty. Lol).
Anon
Can you burn it in a bowl deep enough to hold all the wax as it oozes? You’d be giving up the bowl for a while until the candle is gone.
Clementine
Just search ‘candle holder’. That’s the search term I think you’re looking for.
Anonymous
Use an outdoor lantern type container?
Musical instruments
Here’s a possibly fun question…what musical instrument should I learn to play? I am finally moving to a place where practicing an instrument won’t bother neighbors, so yay! I played flute in high school and this would be my first go-to, but I’m concerned it is going to inflame my already bad TMJ. But maybe I can pick up a new instrument?
Looking for something that is small-ish, relatively cheap (like I can buy an instrument for ~$500), and doesn’t require me to sing (so guitars are out). I love cello music, but that’s going to be way too large for my small space. Maybe a keyboard that I can stash in a closet?
Anon
First question, can you read music already? Or do you have to start from ground zero?
Anon
I think it’s safe to assume that someone who previously played an instrument knows how to read music.
Anon
Eh i used to play two instruments (not well but I played them) and was in choir. I can’t read music anymore
anon a mouse
If you love cello music, would you consider viola? A keyboard is a good idea too, but they can be cumbersome. Depending on your furniture, you may be able to fold the legs under and store it under a couch or your bed. Or if you are willing to have something out all the time, a pedal steel guitar?
Also, you may have reasons for wanting to buy an instrument, but look into renting in your area. You can try one for a few months and make sure you like it before laying down the cash to purchase.
PolyD
I’m renting a cello (I live in a 1-bedroom apartment cello doesn’t take up that much room!) and I’m pretty sure there is a rent-to-own deal, where my rental fees go toward purchasing the cello if I want to. The rental process was easy – filled out the forms online, went to pick it up at the local store, which had very good COVID practices. I also asked for them to recommend a beginners book, which I bought and it’s pretty good.
Allegedly, my library system rented out instruments, too, at least before COVID. You might want to check that out.
Anonymous
What do you hope to do with the instrument? Do you want to play chamber music? Be in a band? Play in church? Join a community orchestra? Enjoy making music just for yourself and/or at family gatherings?
If the last, buy the best keyboard you can afford and learn piano, or learn guitar. You don’t have to sing along with either. If you want to play in ensembles, viola is a good instrument because the demand to supply ratio is in your favor. Don’t go back to the flute if you want to have any performance opportunities–there is just too much competition from people who have master’s degrees in performance and play in community orchestras because that’s all they can get. If you want to play a woodwind, pick something less popular like bassoon or oboe.
Signed, I have a bachelor’s degree in flute performance and taught myself the piano
Anon
Guitar. It’s the best thing. It’s portable. It doesn’t take up a lot of space to store. Learning online is easy. You can learn classical, reading notes. Or you can learn chords for singing songs. Or you can learn to read tab. It’s the best solo instrument other than piano (which I also play, but a piano is a space commitment and an easy to store away keyboard isn’t going to cut it for really learning and playing piano. )
My guitar is a Taylor GS mini and I love it.
Anon
PS I know you said you can’t sing. I would not call myself a singer either, but there‘S no law against singing or humming in the privacy of your own home
Musical instruments
Hmm…might have to reconsider the guitar! Thanks! I took like a few months of classical guitar lessons when I was maybe 7 years old, and I do remember it being pretty fun.
Anon
If you live in an apartment bus I long right now, no! Do not pick up an instrument during covid. If you have a house in the suburbs, then whatever you want! Currently an apartment dweller with very annoying neighbors.
Anon
Attorney with potential ADHD checking in… I had a telehealth visit with a psychiatrist and feel good about things. I wouldn’t call it a diagnosis but he said likely ADHD inattentive type. I used to take Wellbutrin and it worked so well, but I had non-tolerable side effects. My thoughts were so organized on it, and now its like TV static for a full minute before I can get my brain to focus. He said that is because Wellbutrin increases dopamine, but only a small amount. Stimulant meds, on the other hand, increase dopamine A LOT, so I am excited to no longer have static TV brain. I will be taking 30mg of Vyvanse to start if anyone has tips or tricks on managing that. Thanks!
Anonymous
When it starts to wear off, you may have a bit of crash. Based on my kid, this starts mid-afternoon. Eating a high protein snack can help smooth the transition (especially since it can cause appetite suppression and your interest in lunch could be low).
me too!
Lawyer with ADHD here, too. I take Wellbutrin and 30 mg of Vyvanse and it works well for me. WB helps improve my baseline and Vyvanse helps me during the day when it’s effective (which for me is a long time as intended). Stimulants are first-line treatment for ADHD so you should expect more noticeable results than WB alone. I can feel Vyvanse clearing out my brain and relaxing my thoughts so that I can control where my attention goes better. It’s subtle– I don’t all the sudden feel a jolt of energy and decide I need to clean the whole house or feel too amped up or want to work for hours on end. I feel calm, not anxious, not overwhelmed. They both decrease my appetite a bit (gotten better with time) so eat early. Vyvanse takes a while to kick in so take it early. I am soooooo thirsty all the time and get dry mouth from both of them, so I carry around an enormous water bottle all the time and sometimes use anti-dry mouth gum. That’s also gotten better over time. Try adding caffeine carefully and anticipate you may need less than you’re used to. Overall I really have no side effects other than being thirsty. Some people experience a “crash” when it wears off, but I think that’s likely to happen if your dose is higher. I’ve never experienced that except for a few times where I took 50 mg of Vyvanse (I felt a little too focused on that much). Also, it’s not a magic bullet. It won’t block you completely from procrastination or going off task, so be mindful of behavioral modifications. They still matter. (Telling myself this every day as I work from home…) Good luck!
Anonymous
I would love to hear more about the intolerable side effects you experienced on Wellbutrin. I’m a potential ADD/ADHD lawyer and am going on Wellbutrin in the next few weeks. I’m worried it’ll exacerbate my anxiety and mess with my metabolism (though part of the reason I’m going on this and off zoloft is because zoloft messed with it in the other direction!).
Anon
Different Anon here. My answer to the first part is yes, but only temporarily (during the ramp up period), but that can feel like forever (and can in fact last weeks). After the ramp up, it helps with anxiety, but you have to wait out the exacerbation first (this is what my psychiatrist and pharmacist both told me would happen, and also what happened).
For me the intolerable side effect was that it made my gastroparesis worse, so it was more of a comorbidity/contraindication issue.
On higher doses I got some paranoia and impulsivity that I did not appreciate. But I often need kid sized doses of things, and lowering the dose was easy enough. Name brand seems to agree with some people better than the generic for this particular med.
No Problem
My worst side effect from Wellbutrin kicked in when I went up to the 300 mg dose, after being on 150 mg for awhile and realizing I needed more. The side effect was muscle spasms! Most notably in my jaw, sometimes in my hands or arms. It was really problematic because it would happen randomly, and often while talking, so I’d be talking away and then suddenly jolt/stutter. I don’t know what it looked like to other people and never asked. It was interfering with life and I had to drop back to the 150 mg. The frequency dropped immediately to a tolerable level, but I still had occasional/rare spasms for more than a year afterwards. It was very weird.
When I was just on the 150 mg, I did notice a decrease in appetite for a few months (this didn’t get worse with the higher dose; my appetite had stabilized by the time I changed doses). I ended up losing 8-10 lbs over the course of several months, which was totally fine by me since body image was certainly contributing to the depression and the weight loss got me pretty close to my goal weight. I had a tremor in my hands for the first few weeks, but that went away after a month or two. I have heard that these two side effects are pretty common.
Anon at 4:30
Thank you for the responses! This is helpful!
Need workplace advice
I share an admin with my boss. Admin is very friendly but does but does not have a good sense of professional norms. For example, admin overshares about her own personal life and overshares about boss (they’ve worked together for many years; I’m relatively new).
Several months ago, admin was popping into my office multiple times a day for non-urgent issues. I told admin it would be helpful to me if she accumulated non-urgent questions and reviewed with me in a quick daily meeting. I tried to be upbeat and focus on how admin can help me be more productive; there was no direct criticism. Even still, admin was visibly shaken by that exchange and avoided me the rest of the day.
We are now both WFH, and I’m encountering other annoyances similar to the issue above. I want to say something but don’t want to trigger her and also am not hopeful that it would result in meaningful improvement. I already know going to boss won’t help at all. Boss is conflict-averse and is the one that trained/enabled admin’s problematic habits. What would you do?
Anonymous
So, I feel like there are few things going on here. Your admin’s “workplace norm” is to overshare. She thinks that’s normal, and your boss not doing anything about it reinforces that it is okay. Starting from this premise, along with the fact that maybe she’s emailing you a lot of the time, I would (i) ignore it/just deal with it, (ii) tell her the same thing again to consolidate these non urgent requests (over the phone, not an email because tone can be tricky in emails), (iii) be a bit proactive and schedule a meeting for 10 minutes every day around lunch time to catch up, or (iv) take the burden upon yourself to do something about it so that it doesn’t annoy you so much. For example, if she’s just emailing you a bunch of non urgent stuff that you will deal with in due course, just not right now, I’d honestly set up a rule in outlook that emails from her go to a folder, and then I’d check that folder 3 or so times a day. If there was a particular case I was working on that I actually needed information on that was important, I’d add keyword exceptions so these ones made it through. This creates a burden on you, but depending on how much the situation annoys you, it might be worth it.
Also, does she get regular performance reviews? Who does these? In our office, my admin gets yearly reviews, and all of us attorneys submit evaluations, but they are delivered by our two office managers, not the attorneys, so the feedback is delivered in a more “neutral” setting than otherwise might have been. I’d make comments in these evaluations.
(I’ve done the last item when working with certain attorneys who think everything is a fire drill but it’s just not. I basically am muting these attorneys until I can deal with them and their requests. For me, it works, because if something is actually truly important and needs to be done NOW, they will call me. YMMV).
Anon
Are they emails? Can you create a rule to have emails from Admin dropped in a folder until you check it twice a day or so?
Anon
It doesn’t sound like there’s much you can do if this is the norm your boss and admin have established. The idea to group responses to emails is a good one (if the interruptions are coming via email).
Anonyz
Anyone have good dress shoe recs for sciatica? I’m seeing suggestions for Vionic when I google, but they seem more geared towards plantar fasciitis.
Anonymous
Isn’t sciatica usually a lower back problem?
Anon
Toe bone connected to the foot bone
Foot bone connected to the heel bone
Heel bone connected to the ankle bone
Ankle bone connected to the shin bone
Shin bone connected to the knee bone
Knee bone connected to the thigh bone
Thigh bone connected to the hip bone
Hip bone connected to the back bone
Back bone connected to the shoulder bone
Shoulder bone connected to the neck bone
Neck bone connected to the head bone
Now hear the word of the Lord.
eertmeert
Check out the Barking Dogs blog. They cover lots of health issues that involve feet, and if they don’t have a recent update for sciatica you could email them to see if they can cover it.
I have a Morton’s Neuroma and the pair of Vionic mules I have are super comfy and don’t aggravate my condition. Not the same as sciatica, but the footbeds are super comfy.
Anon
I have sciatica and wear Vionic because I also have a foot issue. I have tried *all* the comfort brands (from high end Taryn Rose to lower end) and shoes don’t seem to be the trigger for my sciatica. As long as I wear flat, supportive (e.g., not ballet flats with thin soles) shoes, I don’t notice much difference.
I like Vionic because they are comfortable and there are a couple of reasonably cute styles.
The BeautiFeel brand, available on Amazon and many comfort shoe stores, is also quite good but much more expensive than Vionic
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=BeautiFeel+shoes&ref=nb_sb_noss_2
Driving is the worst trigger for my sciatica, though, so YMMV. Good luck! It’s the worst!