Thursday’s TPS Report: Peplum Crepe Blazer

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Peplum Crepe BlazerI’ve been eyeing this vibrant blue crepe blazer for a few weeks now. I love the color, and the reviewers sing its praises. Unlike a lot of peplum blazers, I can see this one looking great whether open or closed. It’s $79 at Piperlime. Peplum Crepe Blazer

Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected]


  1. I really like this one!

    • [insert clever name here] :


    • Me, too! I haven’t been a fan of the peplum thing at all, but this is cute. Love the color!

    • Same! And agree, peplum is not my thing (partly due to style, partly due to my shape), but I could see this working on me.

    • hoola hoopa :


    • Love the shape and the color!

    • I love this jacket. I have this one coming in the mail
      but may like the posted jacket better.

  2. Anonymous :

    Hi Kat,

    When I type in the name of this website into my browser, it comes up with Monday’s Coffee Break as the last thread. I refresh, retype, etc and yet that’s always the top post. I finally moved forward by clicking on it then manually going to ‘next post’ until I got to this morning. I don’t know if anyone else is having this problem, but it’s really weird, and I’ve never had it in nearly two years of reading your site.
    I use firefox, FYI.


    • momentsofabsurdity :

      Try clearing your cache – that fixed the problem for me.

    • anonymous2 :

      I use Chrome and had the same experience, except the most recent post it shows is Tuesday’s TPS. I got to this post via my RSS reader, but am confused about the website.

    • I am having the same issue using both IE and Chrome. Clearing cache/cookies/what have you hasn’t fixed it.

    • I am having the same problem. I’ve tried Firefox and IE … clearing the cache did not fix it.

  3. Riding breeches around town? :

    WSJ article today on chic gardening looks mentioned using riding breeches (specifically Ariat’s which look go cute on their site and are also on Amazon) as around-the-garden and around town wearing (while tucked into cute tall boots).

    I am weak, weak in the morning and I am hopeful that this would solve my problem of khakis making me look like the old Pat from SNL fame (I am dating myself here).

    OTOH, if looking like Pat is my problem, maybe breeches would make me look like Downton Abbey Pat (or Pat crossed with Hyacinth Bucket from Keeping Up Apearances) and could very easily veer into all-hat-and-no-cattle territory.

    Yes? No? Thoughts?

    • I think it’s a great casual look as long as the material is sufficiently thick (ie. not tights/leggings) and not too tight.

    • I’m not sure exactly what you mean by riding breeches. Are they basically ponte knit pants? Could you post a link to them?

      Theoretically, it sounds cute. I’m assuming they are thicker and less tight than leggings. In fact, I might be interested too . . .

      • They’re basically ponte knit leggings, in buff or tan, with leather patches in the knees and sometimes the seat. You are not interested.

    • Sorry but obviously you have never ridden a horse. Buff riding breeches are the most universally unflattering things that have ever been on my body. Full stop. Do not do this. I would say “This is my opinion” but in 22 years of riding, the most positive thing I’ve ever heard a woman say about buff breeches is “Well, THIS pair isn’t THAT bad…”

      • Gail the Goldfish :

        Agreed. Breeches are usually pretty high waisted (though I think someone started making “low rise” breeches) and unflattering. Let me put it this way–I take the subway to go riding, and I wear jeans and change at the barn because I don’t want to be seen in public in my breeches. The exception being my black fleece-lined pair, because they look basically like black leggings, so maybe if you got something other than tan? But they’re really not cheap, so I would never use them as a “I need something casual to do housework in” pants unless they’re really old and all my sweatpants mysteriously disappeared. You’d be better off just finding a good thick pair of leggings.

      • SoCalAtty :

        Generally I agree, but have you tried the Baker Breeches? I think I have 3 pairs of them, and I LOVE them. (The black and tan plaid are also our barn colors.) They fit my rear well, are low rise, and when I’m going out after riding to do errands or whatever I just wear a cute shirt (I’m not grooming / tacking horses when I ride, so I’m not dirty) and I get a lot of compliments. They have jean-like back pockets which I think makes them more flattering.

        If those don’t fit, Ariat is making a more flattering low rise too. Those don’t fit me as well. I also like the Tailored Sportman in the low rise front zip. Really you’ll probably have to go to a tack shop and try them on to see which brand fits you best.

        But gardening? You’d get the knees stained!!

        • SoCalAtty :



    • wintergreen126 :

      I agree with a. A very good friend of mine has been riding and working with horses for most of her life, and sometimes when she is in a rush, she shows up from the barn still wearing her breeches…and it is just NOT a good look. She never wears them if she doesn’t have to.

    • I don’t think of breeches as cute or not-cute, they just serve a function when you’re riding a horse English-style. The knee patches are on the inside so it doesn’t really help much if you’re kneeling on the ground. I don’t garden so I’m not sure what you need.

  4. Charlotte :

    You guys — I am just sick about this… I dropped my iPad 2 (which was in a leather case) this morning on concrete, and now the screen is shattered. It’s not the worst shatter ever, but it’s pretty bad in the corner where it hit, and there are a few lines going more toward the middle. Plus, the only thing holding the tiny pieces in the corner together is a Zagg film. I have looked briefly (with one eye closed) about Apple getting it repaired, but it seems it will cost at least $249.00+ to do so. Has anyone had this experience and had a good experience with any other service repairing the glass (that is much cheaper, say, not more than $100)? I really would appreciate any advice/recommendations on this. I don’t want to repair it myself. TIA!

    • My husband used a local shop in Houston to fix his iPhone screen, and it cost way way less than that. Maybe like $20. If you happen to be in Houston, I can get the name. And otherwise, I still recommend finding a local shop.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      Ugh, I’m so sorry. Not more than $100 would be a tough thing (unless you did it yourself) but I would definitely check Yelp in your area.

      I checked the local repair places in Boston online and most of them list $150ish for iPad2 screen repair (more if you also broke the LCD). You may void your Applecare if you get it repaired outside of Apple though, just FYI.

      They are not impossibly replaceable yourself if you’re pretty techy, but you said you don’t want to. If you want to save money, I’d find a trusted tech/mechanical friend and offer them $100 to try to fix it.

      So sorry!

    • I watched a dude fix a woman’s shattered iphone on the steps of Union Square park in NYC. Apparently you call their service, they meet you in a public place and fix the screen for not that much money. It sounds sketchy but I watched him do the repair and he was super quick and professional.

      • Check your local swapmeet. At my local one there’s 2-3 tables set up for iPhone/iPad screen repairs. They charge about $75-$80 and that’s comparable to what a friend paid some random guy who does that kind of thing. It’s about 1 hr. wait.

    • I had a non-Apple repair shop fix my iphone screen several months ago for less than $100. The touch screen didn’t work 100% perfectly after that, but I suspect that it wasn’t the repair shop’s fault – that there was something else that broke when it fell.

    • Holding my iPad close close close!

    • Thanks, everyone, for your responses and commiseration. I think I’m going to go with a local place here, b/c I can’t find anyone who is willing to do it for less than $125, as they will. Plus, I don’t have to pay shipping on top and wait several days.

    • If you are in NYC, Tekserve on 23rd Street says they repair ipad and iphone screens. I bet they’d do it if you mailed it to them also (call to check, they have great customer service). I don’t know the price point, though. Good luck.

    • big dipper :

      Where are you? I went to a place in Boston that does that could probably fix your screen for $100 (for reference, replacing an iPhone screen is $40 there). But you should spend some time Googling for tech repair places in your area – the one I went to was AMAZING. I read the Yelp and Google reviews for a few places and was glad I went the cheaper, non-Apple route.

      • Charlotte :

        Thanks, but I live in a mid-to-small city in the South, so I am glad to have the options I have. I sometimes wish I had access to the choice that is available in bigger cities.

        • I live in what may be one of the pokiest little towns ever in the rural south, and in a nondescript concrete block building here is a small business that does contract screen repair work for Apple. Ask around, to the tech geeks, wherever you are, because they may know of an unpublicized resource like this.

    • I cracked the screen on my iphone and the lowest price to fix that I’ve found is $80. Keep in mind that using a third-party to replace the screen will probably invalidate any warranty you have on your ipad.

  5. Ladies, I feel awful. I lost my temper with a junior colleague, who, to be fair, had been playing a game of oneupmanship at my expense and who also told a lie to make my direct report look bad. That still doesn’t excuse my loss of temper, which was a one line thing, not a yelling match. But my dotted line mgr took me aside to give me feedback, as he should, and now I feel I have blotted my copybook forever in that I might have damaged my chances of leading a team, etc.

    I have never lost my temper before, ever though apparently people perceive me as frank and outspoken in a culture that doesn’t encourage this.

    Any advice for how to deal with jerks at work? Especially those that try to play politics…
    I need more tact and subtlety, that’s for sure.

    • 1) Losing your temper one time for what sounds like a pretty legit reason won’t blackball you forever. Take it as a lesson learned and figure out how to do it better next time.
      2) You don’t know that the junior person didn’t get taken aside for a dressing down since their mistake sounds much more worrisome as an indicator of future performance.

      If you know your workplace culture doesn’t value frank and outspoken, find examples in your office of people who are well-respected and successful and who don’t have a reputation for being frank and outspoken. Follow their lead or even ask their advice. You don’t have to lose your sense of self, but you can bend a little to the politics if it accomplishes what you seek.

    • Offer up a sincere apology to the junior for losing your temper, consider this a lesson learnt on the importance of keeping your cool and move on.

      Fwiw, I don’t think good staff get permanently dinged for blowing their top once in a while. But all the other stuff you mention – the provocation, the politics, the feedback, your dented aspirations – are a distraction to what you REALLY want to do, which is move on with dignity.

      Signed, someone who eventually figured out that saying ‘sorry’ is a far better professional policy than leaving behind scorched earth

    • FORGET ABOUT IT! If I got upset about every time I got angry about some dumb thing some body did, I would get nuroses my dad says. So I do get mad, yell, then moove on and am freinds again.

      The Manageing partner got mad b/c Margie bought a $1800 dress. I did not know where to LOOK when he said it was NOT flattering on her b/c. I said it was cute. Margie said she would not return it so the Manageing partner is makeing ME bring it back today! FOOEY!

      I feel I must but am being disloyal to Margie! What does the HIVE think?

      • Please post a link to the dress, then we will be abel to form opinion’s.

  6. Anonymous :

    Just an update on my question on what mode of travel to take from Boston to NYC today to see a show – glad I decided not to drive since traffic was pretty bad this morning going into work, so I imagine it would be worse driving further inland where the snow is worse.

    Decided on Amtrak there, bus back (bus gets me back in at 5am so even if its 2 or 3 hours delayed I should be okay to get into work tomorrow). The price of the Amtrak ticket was hard to swallow, but the mental comfort of unlikely delays is worth it.

    • But what show? Inquiring minds want to know what show is good enough to justify the travel :)

      • I believe the OP mentioned in the original thread that it’s Book of Mormon. I think that would justify it for me too!

  7. Small fishnets? :

    I can’t recall this coming up in recent hosiery discussions. I am sick of black tights (and now that spring clothes are in stores, am having it harder to find charcoal and OK-to-me patterned tights). I found some vanilla-colored mini fishnets in a drawer this morning. I used to wear them for fancier dinners out (back when I dressed up and went out). Daytime at work (with otherwise conservative business casual clothes and non-hooker shoes)?

    • Good with me but a know your office scenario. It would be fine for my place, and if your dress is biz-cas I suspect would be ok there too.

    • Saacnmama Seeking shopping help :

      Is that close to your skin color or a contrast?

    • I would say no fishnets in a professional setting, but know your office I guess.

      • +1

        Fishnets make me uncomfortable, I associate them with s3xy halloween costumes or something. Is this a generational thing (I’m mid-twenties)?

        • I’m old enough to remember when fishnets were worn exclusively by prostitutes. I have no idea why/how this became normal fashion-I see it in my office on a young secretary quite often.

    • Kontraktor :

      It’s probably a know your office thing, but I worked at a high profile think tank one summer where one of the big-wig women wore nde for her fishnets regularly with her suits/conservative wear. I don’t think there is a blanket ban. Depends on your office/personality/etc.

    • a passion for fashion :

      i totally would wear these — and have worn nude fishnets to work before. go for it.

    • Veronique :

      I would only wear them if they’re nude (or very close) for you. Otherwise, pale tights (even fishnets) gives me a nurse vibe.

    • Amelia Bedelia :

      I frequently wear them with suits and conservative shoes.

    • Frou Frou :

      I like the nude fishnets that have a small tight weave. However, fishnets are specifically listed as unacceptable for the office in our dress code (gov’t attorney).

  8. Diana Barry :

    Hey ladies – I saw this Katie Roiphe article and it was v similar to how we were discussing Marissa Mayer et al a few days ago:

    • springtime :

      I like this article. I’m tired of people assuming that women in top positions should cater to every other woman’s needs.

      • “But why should Marissa Mayer have some special responsibility to nurture her employees with a cozy, consummately flexible work environment just because she is a woman? Isn’t her responsibility to run a company according to her individual vision?”

        Agree x100. Just because she’s a woman doesn’t mean it’s her unique responsibility to nurture ever single employee. Her job is to run a business.

      • a passion for fashion :

        Im sorry but I have to be the dissenting voice again on this issue. I think this Katie Roiphe article (and many of the other criticisms of the Mayer criticism) misses the point entirely. Of course women in top positions dont need to cater to all other womens’ needs and, as Roiphe points out, it is very likely that women in the top positions (in business and politics alike) are more likely to be rich and have support systems available that the general population of women lacks — just like men in those positions.

        it is wonderful that women are now in top business and political positions more than ever before. And while I do not necessarily think this is true for women in less-public top positions (for example, successful female attorneys), the “problem” I believe much of the criticism is directed at is that many of the over-achieving women in top spots are successful for “acting like a man.” I put “problem” in quotes b/c In my view, this isnt a problem, but rather a criticism of the system , and “acting like a man” in quotes because that is an easy way to articulate the idea of the status quo.

        Of course Mayer and others like her, man or woman, are there to run their business, but what many complain about is the way businesses are run. “Work/life balance” (again, just an easy way to phrase a concept that can mean different thigns to many) is a real thing, and something that many companies have embraced in recent years after studies have shown this improves productivity, moral, collegiality, not to mention makes an entire portion of the population available to work that otherwise might not be available. These are all good things for people in our country but also for business.

        Many super successful women worked very hard to get where they are, but the criticism is that they played into the status quo to do it. This is good for them, but not women and society in general if you are someone who believes the status quo is not the only way to do things.

        • AnonInfinity :

          That might be your complaint about some successful women, but the vast majority of the backlash I’ve read concerning Sandberg’s book (which, by the way, most people have not even read yet) and Mayer’s decision re: telecommuters focuses on the fact that these women have help, resources, and privilege and that they don’t understand the needs of women who aren’t in the c-suite. Mixed into the Yahoo critiques are that people are disappointed with Mayer for getting rid of what’s perceived as a woman-friendly policy just because she is a woman. Those critiques are what the Slate article is specifically addressing.

        • a passion for fashion :

          anoninfinity — I agree with your discription of how much of the criticism is coming out, but what I am trying to say is that I think my description above is the real complaint and it is just coming out as you describe. I think the real complaint is with the system and that essentially Mayer has bought into the system (for lack of a better phrase). And there is some truth to that — would Mayer be able to be successful in the CEO position if she didnt have the power to build a nursery in her office for her baby girl and the resources to give her all of the support at home she needs? doubtful. Just like I am quite comfortable in the fact that it would be very difficult, if not impossible, for me to be the successful partner at a big firm, wife, and mother of two small children that I am if I did not have wonderful resources and support at both home and work. As someone else mentioned, men do not often have this problem because in many situations (and this was certainly true traditionally), men have loving wives at home to take chare of their children.

    • spot on – thanks for posting this.

    • I agree with her. No one expects any book by a man to represent the experience and viewpoint of all men. When Jack Welch writes a book on leadership, no one says, “well, easy for him to say – he’s got a staff of X and he went to Y school… what does he know about the plight of the blue collar worker with 4 kids to feed and no college degree?” Obviously, women do have a different context for this sort of thing and some of it is self-imposed in a way (calling a show Girls or your book How to be a Woman does invite a certain amount of criticism when it necessarily doesn’t apply to all of your gender …), but it does sometimes feel like a damned if you do, damned if you don’t proposition. It also feels like we women sometimes do this to ourselves. Sometimes I wonder how much further we could all get if we didn’t so often treat our fellow women as competition.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        Any criticism that is directed to men like that seems to be something along the lines of, “we’ll he’s got a stay-at-home wife who raises the children and takes care of the home so of course he can work whenever he needs to.” That also bugs me.

        Serious question because I do not know that much about any of the women that these types of criticisms are about, but do any of them have a husband who stays home to raise the children and take care of the home? Most things I’ve read are about the woman making enough money to pay for a full-time nanny.

      • Well, some do say that about Jack Welch. I think he even says it about himself.

    • AnonInfinity :

      I’m standing and slow clapping in my office right now.

    • Katie Roiphe usually drives me nuts, but I loved that article.

      • wintergreen126 :

        +1. I generally don’t like her, but I think she was spot on this one.

        I especially liked this: “The strange idea that women who are successful must represent all women, or somehow be like all women, is both totally absurd and completely prevalent.”

  9. Saacnmama Seeking shopping help :

    My sister’s birthday is coming up and I’d like to buy her a flattering top for while she’s momming around town. She’s about a 34D on top and a 12 or 14 on the bottom. She likes bright colors and had several sparkly tops at Christmas time, but otherwise is self-conscious about her bust and never chooses anything that shows cleavage or is low cut. Her pants or boots tend to be tight around her calves. A recent comment on this blog reminded me of how she looks–like an ice cream cone. I’d like to buy her a flattering spring top, perhaps a faux wrap shirt (but no too low) with short sleeves. Budget is $25

    • Diana Barry :

      Try the sale Boden wrap top in navy, it is v flattering (size up from her usual size to not have it skintight)

      You can also get free shipping coupon codes if you look around.

      • I was totally going to recommend this but wasn’t sure because OP said short sleeves… It’s an awesome top and Boden quality is really nice. I would totally get this one!

      • Is that link right? It takes me to a black dress (might be skirt+ top) and when I swipe to the side I get cheery prints on a tip that has a crossover panel. I was thinking of some kind of gathers that would make it seem slimming (is that a surplice?)

        • That was me. Not sure why it posted as anon

        • Anne Shirley :

          That’s it- navy top and skirt. Target also is a good source of solid tops like these in your price range.

    • I am the same bust size as your sister but about a 6 in pants, with an hourglass shape. I bought this top in medium:

      It’s extremely flattering with the knot at the bust (oh, and it’s shades of navy, grey, bright blue, and hints of purple). There are a few other colors and solids on the website too. I got it for $19.99 in the store and I think there’s Kohl’s cash going on right now.

  10. Calibrachoa :

    fess up, which one of you overachieving chicks made the news? ;),31528/?ref=auto

    • Haahha! I had lunch with my friend yesterday and she brought up this article (jokingly) after I finished telling her about my new house and new job.

    • SoCalAtty :

      Oops, that was me :) Just kidding, but I did finally (after posting new amazing job, trip to Hawaii, and more amazing job stuff on FB) get a few comments that said “ok, enough already.”

      That Onion article is hilarious, I’ll have to share that!

  11. Is this my wedding dress? :

    I like the color, but generally not a fan of this blazer.

    TJ-I’m not traditional when it comes to weddings. I’m starting to shop around for a dress to wear for my ceremony and there’s something about this one. I don’t care that it’s not white/ivory but because it’s bridal-ish the color seems off. What do you guys think. Is this small/intimate wedding material?


    • springtime :

      Love it. I think it depends on what type of small, intimate wedding you’re having (i.e. upscale or more casual).

    • To be honest with you, I’m not sure. Something about it seems off. I think it’s the proportions. But it’s your wedding and if you try it on and it makes you feel good, I say rock it.

      • I agree – it’s really pretty, but if you have short legs and/or a long torso it will make you look a little odd, unless you’re wearing sky high heels. On the other hand, if you already have long legs and/or a short torso, it might be just fine.

        • I absolutely love this dress. Even if I didn’t, though, my philosophy is that you should wear pretty much whatever you want to your wedding.

          As someone who does have short legs and a comparatively long torso, gently, I think the above comment could be said about many if not most clothes out there, especially long dresses. Mannequins and models have the opposite proportion to me, and that’s what we tend to think looks best in clothes overall. This may sound despairing, but I mean it encouragingly–I believe we should wear what we love, on us, and not feel limited to a small segment of silhouettes, as if there’s something that needs to be hidden or corrected.

      • Veronique :

        It’s a beautiful dress, but I’m not sure how flattering the drop waist will be on a non-model body. If it flatters you, I say go for it.

    • Wedding Dress :

      This dress is beautiful. I think for your wedding you should wear whatever makes you feel beautiful and happy.

      That awesome yellow strapless origami-ish dress from a couple weekend’s back comes in white though. I think that would be an amazing wedding dress too.

      • I would totally wear the yellow one as a wedding dress… but I’m just all around yellow obsessed :)

      • Wedding Dress :

        yes, i love yellow too.

        i also love the idea of being able to re-wear your wedding dress.

      • big dipper :

        Amber Tamblyn wore an (IMHO) amazing yellow dress to her outdoor wedding:

    • I think it’s lovely. Would be more appropriate for a small intimate c-ta1l vibe than a garden party, but definitely lovely.

    • Diana Barry :

      I don’t really care for the hip ruching/pleating and the inverted V in the front – seems like it would look weird on. But have you tried it on? I would order a bunch of dresses or go try a bunch on and see how they work on you. The dress I ended up picking just looked weird when not on, but looked great on (and I tried a bunch that were the opposite).

    • Honestly, I am really torn – the color and fabric look beautiful, the dress is very eye-catching and part of me loves it, but there is something odd about the proportions and that shoulder strap…Even on the model it looks slightly odd. Maybe if the shoulder strap were narrower, if that makes any sense? I would say try it on and see how it looks on your figure, and maybe even take it to a tailor to see if they can tweak it somehow.

    • Gorgeous!! I want it.

    • Definitely a dress you need to try on, I fear this would make my hips look wide as a house. In my humble opinion if you want to do non-white I would go with a color softer than this.

    • I need a long formal dress for a work event. Since it’s not something I’ll likely ever wear again, I don’t want to spend very much on it. Can anyone recommend a place to buy discounted formal dresses, new or used? I’ll in Philly, NYC, and DC in the next few weeks and can shop in any of these cities.

      • Whoops, that wasn’t supposed to go here!

      • Anonymous :

        I have found some nice things at places like Marshalls, TJMaxx, Ross, etc. if you are willing to dig through the racks. Pennys has also had nice dresses for cheap lately too.

      • The Lord and Taylor in DC (Friendship Heights) always has great formal dresses marked down. You can also go across the street to the Nordstrom Rack there.

    • Considering I wore a black & white polka dot dress for my wedding a few months ago, I say this dress would be perfect for a wedding if you’re going for non-traditional!

    • SoCalAtty :

      If it fits you well and you love it, do it! I’m short and a little bit of a dropped waist looks good on me, but I wanted a poofy dress for my wedding. I tried on a LOT of Monique Lhullier wedding dresses when I was shopping but they just didn’t fit me quite right.

      When I finally found the dress for my wedding, I knew. I loved it, and it was really comfortable, and it was something I never wanted to take off. After, we had a local cleaners preserve it by putting it in a little box with a window. They shrink wrap it to protect it, and I’m really glad I did that.

  12. Junior Associate :

    Any advice on how to deal with a work situation when you’re totally over being there? For some background, in a small firm, I like the practice area I’m in and the work I get to do but I cannot stand the partner I work for. He is passive-aggressive and becoming more of a jerk the more I get to know him and I’m having a really tough time dealing with him. He thinks he’s really friendly (and funny) but has actually made some very offensive and rude (and sexist) comments to me.

    I’m also the only junior by about 10 years and am frustrated with the senior associates, and the fact I’m expected to do all the admin stuff myself and the whole infrastructure of the firm (everything is very last minute etc.)

    I’m planning on looking for a new job but not for a few months. There are a few things coming up that I really want to be around for (and would be really good experience) but I’m just having such a tough time dealing with my boss at work. I’m constantly frustrated (currently to the point of tears). This may just be a particularly bad week but I feel like I’m at a loss for how to deal with this and I don’t know what to do, besides keeping my head down and avoiding extended interactions.

    • Are you at my old employer? I know exactly what you went through and I feel like there needs to be an entire “It Gets Better…” series about this. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I’ll give you the pep talk that friends gave me.

      Recognize that this is temporary and focus on finding a better place to work. Start looking now because even the best case scenario will take a few months to find something new. That shift from “I hate this place, I’m stuck!” to “I am doing something about this” was crucial for mental health.

      While you’re doing that, take advantage of your firm. Maximize your potential to get experience and basically, exploit (in a good way) any resources you can to further your professional development. The firm sees you as nothing more than a fungible good, so return that favor. Seek out opportunities to do something you may not normally ask to do. And above all else (and this is the hardest part), separate your self-worth from the way your job makes you feel. The most amazing thing that I realized when I left my old job was that I was a good attorney when I worked with people that appreciated me.

      TL;DR: Don’t let the [bwords] get you down. Good luck!

  13. Reposting from late yesterday.
    About female managers: One of my bosses at work is this woman who I really respect, but her management style is crushing to my confidence, and subsequently my performance. I am doing just fine working for other (male) bosses and get good feedbacks. Problem is her opinion is the one that counts, and she’s openly undermining me with my other bosses.
    Have you had any success improving a bad working relationship with a tough female boss? Any tips and suggestions? Or should I start looking elsewhere?

    • Have you tried talking to her/going to her for help? I have worked with several “difficult” women and this has always worked for me. Basically, I would just disregard any difficult tone/snarky comments, and ask tons of questions and for lots of feedback. I feel like this a) helps you get a good sense of what you could be doing better, but more importantly b) makes the person giving you feedback invested in your success/improvement because they’re the ones helping you. I think too often, when someone seems disatisfied with our work, we ask less questions/withdraw a bit so that we can turn in something perfect all and prove the person wrong. But that is much harder to accomplish that way so it often ends up being the worst way to proceed. Not sure if this applies to your situation, but just something to consider.

      • Thanks for this. I was planning to have a talk with her later on this topic and ask for her feedback as well. You’re right, the keeping quiet and doing a better job approach is clearly not working for her.

      • I agree with this. When she gives you feedback, ignore tone and snark. I have a difficult female manager and it helps to mentally change “Why would you do that this way? It’s ridiculous. I can’t believe you did that” to “My personal preference is that you do X.” It doesn’t help in all situations, but I recognize that her inability to provide constructive criticism doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have valid criticism. I also think it helps that I don’t get defensive, and she can see that I’m trying to learn.

    • gosh there was just an article about this in the WSJ- queen bees. It brought back so many memories from my first job. I like AIMS advice alot, but you should read the WSJ article- I bet you will find it really interesting.

      • Yes I read that plus the discussion here late last night, which prompted this TJ. The first example applied to me almost perfectly, except I did not have any expectations that this boss will be my friend.

        • Yeah I think the expectations were almost a side thing. I can’t find the discussion on the site but I remember some people saying like oh if a woman is harsh she is a b*tch but that’s not what the article was at all, its about those woman who treat woman very differently than they treat men. That has nothing to do with the workplace, and everything to do with the awful personality of the woman. I’ve had good women mentors; tough “mean” women mentors who were fair, but the queen bee problem was the most demoralizing because it felt so unfair.

    • If you read the WSJ article, it also talks about how the difficult dynamics between female bosses and staff goes both ways ie. staff expect more nurturing and/ or take authority less seriously from their female boss. Am not saying you do this, but it’s a possibility which may be worth considering in the bigger picture of why your boss’s style doesn’t work for you. For example, the lady in question seems clearly your boss in the sense that she has primary oversight for you – is it a possibility that she may feel you are undermining her by considering the firm’s other senior (male) staff as bosses too ?

      Please disregard if not applicable, of course !

      • Cornellian :

        I say this as a junior woman, but I think one of the reasons female bosses might be more demanding of/undermining towards women below them is that I think they’re sometimes seen as “responsible” for what the other women below them do. I definitely see a bit of that dynamic towards the one female partner in our group.

      • She is my reviewer, but my other bosses are at her level and I work in their projects. So it is not that I tried to undermine her. I even defended her when a more junior member of our team vented against her in the past.

  14. TJ : does any of you have any recommendation for books about being organised and keeping your ducks in a row ? I though I was rather organized, but right now I’m busier than usual and keep forgetting things or letting details go unnoticed. It drives me mad!

    I’m pretty sure I’ve read about a book here, but the title escapes me right now (OK, maybe I’m just getting old ? ).

    Thanks !

    • David Allen – Getting Things Done

      • That’s it, thanks !

      • If you’re an attorney, there is a shorter book based on Allen’s method. The name escapes me, but it is written specifically for attorneys and may be a faster/more applicable read.

        A warning though – I think the author wrote it in about 30 minutes and he certainly failed to edit it. How a book can be published with so many typos is beyond me, but the substance is there, and his method works.

        Finally, the idea of these books isn’t specifically about remembering the little things, it’s more about how to avoid procrastination and becoming overloaded with work and life. At least that’s how I remember the book, but it’s been a while. I think the end result may be better organization for the little things, but that’s not necessarily the goal.

        A question you might ask yourself, is simply, what can I do to make sure I don’t forget these things? You may be able to come up with a system yourself that works better than Allen or anyone else’s system. I know I personally had not really given this idea much thought until I realized it was necessary.

        • It’s called “The Six-Minute Rule.” It is helpful, but it also illustrates the value of professional editing.

  15. Rural Juror :

    I want to buy an eternity ring style wedding band but the salesperson was cautioning me because of not bring able to have it resized. Are my fingers going to change size? I’m 28. Lets assume I won’t be gaining huge amounts of weight in my lifetime and I may have to stop wearing it during pregnancy.

    • [insert clever name here] :

      I remember reading somewhere that the average person gets their rings resized several times throughout their life. That may have to do with gaining weight, which you’re assuming won’t happen to you. But, I’ve also had friends whose knuckle joints got bigger and had to resize for that reason. But, there’s no way to KNOW if those things are going to happen to you. So, you may just have to figure out if you’re willing to take the risk that you may have to get a different ring down the road if any of those life changes happen to you (gain/lose weight, change in joint size) and you aren’t able to resize.

      • I’ll bite since I’m 20 years older than the OP. I’ve had my rings sized up and down because of weight gain/loss, but in the past several years, although I’ve gained some weight, my ring size is exactly the same as it’s been. I do have at least one knuckle joint that’s gotten bigger but it’s on my dominant (right) hand and I think that’s fairly common.

    • Mountain Girl :

      I’ve been married 20+ years. I have only gained one dress size in that time. I just recently had my ring sized up a half size.

      However, I have an anniversary ring that I frequently wear as my wedding ring. Many people that I know have updated their rings through the years as well.

    • Anecdata is that ring sizes do change over time (e.g. my momma hasn’t gained a ton of weight, but her knuckles have swollen as she’s gotten older). However, there are “eternity” bands available that have a small gap of gold (or whatever metal) in the back – not the entire back portion, but maybe a 1/3-1/4 of it to allow for sizing over time and the infinity look. Perhaps that would be something to consider?

    • you can have the band made so that the diamonds don’t go all the way around. This was done on mine because i’m rough on jewelry and thought i’d scrape away those diamonds, plus i have oddly fat fingers and my ring size is apt to eventually change.

      Importantly, I had to get my engagement ring immediately re-sized (DH picked it out and guessed on the size). I had it sized up .5, and the jeweler was able to do this simply by “scraping out” some of the platinum inside rather than actually expanding the ring itself.

    • I’ve been married 18+ years, had 3 kids, some up & down weight due to kids (but I’m pretty close to what I was when I got married right now) and honestly, my rings are about a half size too big right now. My mom has been married 40+ years and has never had her rings sized as far as I know.

      I say get what makes you happy, but be aware that sometimes things happen and there’s no guarantee that you won’t drastically change weight over the course of your life.

    • I’d say this also depends to some extent on the shape of your fingers. My fingers are more “carrot” shaped (for lack of a better term), where the base of my finger is larger than my knuckle. I had my ring sized pretty snugly to make it feel secure since my knuckle isn’t big enough to keep it from sliding off, and consequently there’s a very narrow range where it feels comfortable to wear. A few weeks ago I had to take it off for a week because I was feeling puffy, and when I’m cold it can feel almost loose enough to slide off. I almost wish my knuckles would get bigger to hold the thing on my hand!

    • Salespeople said the same thing to me when I got my eternity wedding band. I went ahead and got one because my mom has had hers for 30 years with no issues.

      The band on my engagement ring is plain (and can therefore be resized) so I got the eternity band a tiny bit loose (since the engagement ring holds it on my finger). This way, if my fingers get fatter, I can get my engagement ring resized and the wedding band will still fit. If my fingers get thinner, I can get my engagement ring made smaller and it was still hold the wedding band in place.

      I also love the idea of passing wedding bands down to younger generations so wouldn’t be super upset if for some reason I did outgrow it over the next few decades. I would get a new one and keep the old one for a child, niece, etc. if they wanted it.

    • If you need to size down, you can always get those little balls put on the inside of the ring.

    • My fingers haven’t really changed by more than .25 of a size pretty much ever. I delivered my child wearing my eternity band wedding ring and I gained about 25 lbs. during pregnancy. There were maybe a few weeks during pregnancy that I felt too swollen to wear it, but those were third trimester in the summer in the hot south. So it is possible you could wear the same size for quite a long time. If for some reason I do have to re-size the ring, I figure I can just re-use the stones in a new ring.

    • Anonymous :

      I got married (in my twenties) five years ago. I’ve since gained 10 lbs/1 dress size, but two entire ring sizes (from a 5 to a 7) on my left ring finger. I blame it on muscle (thanks to law school I spend hours and hours typing every day) but that may or may not actually be the reason for the dramatic change.

    • I had an eternity wedding set and had it sized down with no problems. Took it to a nice local jeweler.

  16. So, I just saw that LK Bennett has opened a US/Canada online shop. What worries me is that the Davina dress seems to be missing! And when I check the UK online shop, it’s listed, but every size and every colour is out of stock. Is it being discontinued? It’s my favorite and now I wish I had bought a bunch of them (and that I had had the $ to buy a bunch of them, but you know…)

    It had been part of their ‘Classic’ (or something collection), which implied longevity to me.

    • AnotherLadyLawyer :

      Not sure about the dress, but on the shoe front the US/Canadian site has WAY FEWER OPTIONS than the UK version… Maybe try calling one of the stores to check? The ladies who I’ve encountered at the NYC store are lovely.

      • Seriously, they have the nicest salesclerks. The one in ATL is fabulous as well.

        • I noticed that the UK site has a lot less on it currently too. Maybe they’re in the process of a rebuild? I will not lose hope. Thanks for the suggestions!

  17. Violet's Fan :

    Waiting to hear back about my counter to an offer on my house. I really need to sell, since I’ve already bought a new place. Could use some good vibes. This is the slowest day ever. Ugh!

  18. Jackie, the Anon Threadjacker :

    Well, I got the offer, negotiated it, accepted, and put in my resignation this morning. Whew, I am glad that is over!

    I know I’ve been overly dramatic about this whole thing, but I really appreciate the support I’ve gotten here – it made it much better. There’s more and more talk around my firm about financial difficulties, so it really does come as a relief to be leaving, and the partners reacted well, I think.

    And some extra kudos for this site – I was offered a base salary which was about 10 thousand less than I had hoped. I probably would have just accepted it, but, based on having read a lot on “women don’t negotiate” over the years, mostly here, I was certain to counter. I mentally went back and forth over whether to ask for 5K more or 10K more, and finally convinced myself to ask for 10K, and assume that they would probably come back with 5K more. Well, they came back with the full 10! I probably wouldn’t have asked if I hadn’t been reading this site, and definitely wouldn’t have asked for 10.

  19. Anyone in the hive use a site like Stitch Fix or Tog & Porter to help amp up their closet? I love the idea of getting clothes in the mail every month that someone picks out for me, but I can’t decide if I’m too particular on fit and materials to make it work for me.

  20. How do you cope with friends who complain about their normal but trivial problems when you’re feeling so overwhelmed you just want to scream or cry or jump off the nearest building? I feel like there are a few issues: (1) certain friends do complain about petty things a lot more than they should; (2) I have very little tolerance or respect for these kinds of complaints anyway; (3) I’m already so overwhelmed that I’m super sensitive to any additional negativity that comes my way. I’ve talked to my friends about (1) but I really need help with (2) and (3).

    I’ve gotten to the point where my response to these complaints is, “Oh, YOU’VE had it with the day today because you have to cover for a coworker so she can go to the doctor? Let me tell you what MY day has been like….” Which is not really the way to keep friends. But I feel so overwhelmed right now on every front in my life, having these people cry about things that are nbd is really grating on me. I’m trying to distance myself, but then I get a million texts, IMs, emails, etc. asking where I am. These people are perfectly nice and I don’t want to lose them as friends, but dear lord, please stop coming to me with all of your problems when I can barely handle my own. Advice? Thanks, all.

    • I don’t have any tips, but I can commisserate. I have one friend who constantly complains about the most trivial things and makes mountains out of molehills, and complains about problems that she’s really created herself. I think the most annoyed I was happened when we I called her to chat after I got laid off and she spent the entire phone call complaining about her relationship with her boyfriend- no crisis was happenning with the relationship, just general complaints. I consoled her for over an hour while I silently freaked out over my job loss.

      I got over it, but I learned a lot about our friendship that day, and I generally have no expectations from her at this point, other than hearing about her problems and having my reasonable ideas shot down. We’ve been friends for about a decade at this point, and she does have good traits also, but making everything about her, even when others have much bigger problems, is basically her thing.

      • BrendaPatimkin :

        Last week, after a horrid week of work, I met up w/ a friend. After 2 sentences about my work week she says, “Come look at my new bed and bedding.”

        F*** that. Seriously.

      • My roommate and I applied to law school together during undergrad, well, not together but during the same cycle – did our LSATs together, essays, etc. She got in before I did, and one day came into my room crying (actually crying) about which of two law schools to pick, because she was just so stressed about the decision, the same day that I received a “no” from my top choice (which thankfully was neither of those two schools, otherwise I’m pretty sure I would have completely lost it).

        She’s still a good friend, and apologized at some point I think, but I certainly don’t hold it against her. In fact, it’s sort of funny at this point, though at the time I wanted to throttle her. My feelings now might be different if I hadn’t gotten into law school that same cycle.

        I think it taught me how easy it is to be myopic, and I’m sure I’m as guilty as anyone, but I try to remember how it really must seem like a huge deal for THAT person, even if it’s not a big deal for me, instead of being frustrated with them -it’s made me better at listening to what I think are trivial complaints.

    • goldribbons :

      1. I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. I hope you find some sort of support network (this site, an SO, a therapist, etc.).
      2. If you can, I find friends can be more understanding / will complain less if you can say, “I don’t mean to be unsympathetic, but I’m having a really hard time with [very short description of TRAGIC EVENT or DIFFICULT SITUATION]. Could we talk about something else?” Along these lines, giving an end date for when your tragic situation will be over can be helpful (e.g., “law school is just so overwhelming. I’ll be done in 2 years, but until then, can we try to keep complaining to a minimum?”)
      3. Simply change the subject. It’s not helpful to complain about the same thing to all your friends, and it’s not helpful to your friends for them to complain all the time. Try to zone out until they finish their sentence if it’s really that difficult to hear, and then have something to talk about. “Have you read any good books lately?” “Seen any movies?” “Do you watch XYZ tv show?” “Planning any vacations?” Whatever it is that you’re comfortable talking about.
      4. Try to understand – and this will be hard to hear – that your friends may be coming to you with these things because (a) they have really big overwhelming problems that they can’t deal with, so they’re focusing on their imperfect latte instead; (b) they are desperately trying to relate to you; (c) they see that you’re suffering and they don’t know what else to say because happy things might seem out of place; (d) they actually haven’t had harder things happen to them, so the “trivial” problems in their life actually feel huge and overwhelming to them.
      Finally, I hope that this tough time passes. I read yesterday that you can handle anything for 10 seconds, so try to remember that you won’t feel like this forever. {{{hugs}}}

      • goldribbons :

        Also, to respond to the texts/IMs/emails asking where you are, “I’m dealing with a very difficult situation in my personal life. Thanks for checking in.” If one of my friends said that to me, I’d immediately ask how I can help, at which point you might be able to actually get help instead of getting annoyed!

      • Thanks, that’s all very helpful. I particularly like the suggestion to turn the conversation onto something positive; I definitely need more positive energy in my life. I am in therapy, but there’s been so much else going on that this friend issue has been at the bottom of the list, so I haven’t had a chance to get to explore that yet.

        • goldribbons :

          It can be hard to turn it into positive energy, but if you can be firm with them, they’ll start changing or they’ll learn to take their complaining elsewhere. I’ve tried this, and changed the subject to “seen any good movies lately?” only to be told, “no but I saw this horrible awful documentary about…” and I just cut them off. I say something like, “No, please, can we be positive? If you haven’t seen any good movies, have you read any good books? What about XYZ event last week? Gone out for drinks with anyone fun?” It takes practice but you can do it!

    • Not to be facetious, but if you don’t respond to a text, the world won’t end. They’ll get the msg and you can see them when you’re ready.

      Also, if you truly have a lot of issues and need help, just say something. E.g. I’m sorry, but I’m dealing with X, so I can’t help you or be sympathetic to your Z.

    • I have experience with this. While I was in law school my mom died unexpectedly, my grandma died, my dad got laid off, and then I was hospitalized with a fatal rare illness (totally fine now!). I literally wanted to kill people that were like ugh I’m not dating anyone right now, life sucks, blah blah blah. What got me through it was stopping, taking a breath, and then reminding myself that these other people AREN’T trying to make me feel worse. They genuinely are annoyed/upset about something that, while trivial to me, is not trivial to them.

      That being said, I did distance myself from one friend for a period of time because it was just too hard to talk to her because the complaints and negativity were SO pervasive.

    • Rural Juror :

      This sounds like my sister, who has a seriously good situation. When she complains to me, I just say honestly “I am sorry that you are dealing with that but I am dealing with some of my own troubles today and I really can’t handle any more negative energy.” and leave it at that. If she chooses to get mad or upset, she will usually just butt out and leave me alone. Usually she is pretty good and will either move on to a more positive topic, or if she really needs to vent, move on to a more receptive party.

    • I know it’s not easy to do, but I try to remind myself that everyone has different life experiences. Some friends have led relatively easy lives, and this means that what seems trivial to me can actually be a big deal or a giant stressor to them. So I try to let them vent when I have the time and wherewithall to provide a shoulder to lean on. I further remind myself how grateful I am that they have not lived through the h*ll I have survived and continue to deal with, as I would never wish my particular brand of suffering on another.

      Kindly signed, the one silently having a breakdown in the corner

  21. Any experience with Coach shoes? I ordered a super cute pair from Nordstrom but have never had any of their shoes before. I think I bought the one Coach item that doesn’t have that ridiculous logo all over it.

    • I feel the same way about Coach. Have had one pair of their shoes ever, but absolutely loved them. Mine were leather, if that matters. Fit true to size, but did stretch to conform to the foot, comfy as heck, lasted quite a while. Also… I wanna see!

      • I got these in magenta…

        • Cute! Preppy but funky. Love ’em. Let me know what you think once you get them on your feet!

        • goldribbons :

          omg those are so cute!! I wish they came in black. I’ve heard good things about Coach heels but I don’t have any myself.

        • Adorable. Love.

        • Veronique :

          Love, love, love the shoes and the color! Too bad they no longer have my size. If you google Coach Desiree, they also come in black (@goldribbons) and a brown that could make a great nude for someone with a medium brown skintone.

      • Anonymous :

        LOVE their patent flats. I could live in them.

    • anonypotamus :

      I have a pair of high heeled Coach sandals that are by far the most comfortable pair of heels I have ever owned. The heel is a great height, sturdy, and the straps don’t rub. (And I was wearing them when we got engaged so I doubly love them!)

  22. Shoes for Ann Taylor Espresso Suit :

    I just bought the Ann Taylor tropical wool suit in espresso and am looking for some flats or wedges to wear with it. Suggestions?

    • BrendaPatimkin :

      I just got the skirtsuit in navy, and I *love* it. I was worried b/c lately I havent really liked most of Ann Taylor’s stuff lately, but I love this suit. I can’t wait to wear it again.

      • Shoes for Ann Taylor Espresso Suit :

        I got the skirt as well and love it! Both pieces are so high quality and I know I will get a lot of wear out of them.

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      No, but I’m super excited to hear they have this suit. My favorite suit is an espresso tropical wool from Ann Taylor from years ago that has gotten a bit too small as of late… Which jacket did you get and how’s the fit? I hate when they do online only stuff.

      • Shoes for Ann Taylor Espresso Suit :

        I got the Landon jacket. I love it! It fits true to size and is very high quality. My only nitpicky complaint is that the buttons on the sleeves are sewn so close together that they overlap when buttoned. Of course, this doesn’t matter at all, and it may just be a fluke with my jacket. The buttons are still functional.

  23. Does anyone have anything by MaxMara Weekend? They have some cute work dresses and the price point is reasonable. I’m wondering about the quality though.

    • I bought a Max Mara Weekend wool flannel sheath dress this winter and found the quality to be excellent. The fabric was not the thin garbage that is so prevalent these days. The lining is beautifully done and has a fair bit of substance to it as well. The seams are sturdy, perfectly straight, without puckers and there are no little bits of thread. The fabric is a fairly complex plaid, and the seam joins on the pattern are perfectly matched – and that’s five vertical seams and one horizontal across the bodice, plaid material and a shaped sheath – I can’t figure out how they did it. For comparison with one of the “standard” brands, Brooks Brothers, I would say the quality is far, far better, in every way.

      • How did the sizing run?

        • Based on this one dress, very small. I am currently a 10 in Talbots, Ann Taylor and the like, and this dress is a 14. It was a good lesson for me of the “it’s just a tag” sort. I went to Nordstrom and let a sales associate bring me dresses that fit my criteria, and in different brands was fitted in everything from a 6 to a 14. A lot of my clothes haves lived in boxes in a closet for years as I gained weight, some of them going back years upon years, and as I have worked my way about halfway back down the sizes, the extent to which vanity sizing has run rampant is very apparent to me. Based on the ratio between my current “going shopping” size vs my current “pull it out of a box size”, i think that if you are old enough to have been wearing adult sizes in the late ’80’s, whatever your size was then would be a good guess for Max Mara Weekend.

    • Have a handful of items and have been very happy. Much of the line is made in China rather than in Italy and I was a bit taken aback when I first noticed this, but the quality of the fabric and finish have been excellent, up to par with the main MM line.

  24. I’m looking for advice dealing with/coping with a miscarriage at work. I know everyone is different, but it’s been a couple of weeks since I had a D&C (I took that day and the following day off, had the weekend to rest and then went to work on a Monday), and I just can’t seem to stop dwelling and am having trouble concentrating still. Not many people here knew I was pregnant or why I missed a couple of day, and I don’t know if that is better or worse. It was a shock for us as there were no signs anything was wrong until we had an ultrasound with no heartbeat at ten weeks. Yes, it’s getting better and I know it takes time, but I’m just having trouble caring about work which is a not how I want to be.

    • No advice but offering sympathy. So sorry for your loss. Last year my dear nephew passed away in utero at 40 weeks, it was a total shock to the entire family. Just thinking about it now is making me tear up.

    • Been there :

      I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It sucks and it’s completely understandable that you’re distracted. I think it’s OK not to care much about work, for a while. Do what needs to be done, but cut yourself some slack for not being Superwoman right now. What helped me is making a priority list of what absolutely had to be done that day vs. what could wait. Once I’d gotten through the top stuff, I usually had the energy to keep going, but if I didn’t, NBD. The big stuff was covered.

      YMMV, but I also found it helped to give myself permission to get away for lunch. Sometimes I’d go to my car and cry it out, sometimes I’d use the time to journal and get my anxieties out, and other times I’d meet a friend for a nice meal and enjoy the temporary distraction.

    • Maddie Ross :

      I am so sorry about your loss. I had a miscarriage last year and it was tremendously difficult to deal with. Particularly because my husband and I had not shared our news with anyone, and we felt funny sharing news of our loss with people after the fact. Everyone is different, so there’s no one size fits all way to start to feel better, but for me, throwing myself into my work and personal activities helped. I started working out more frequently, longer and harder. I took on more challenging responsibilities at work. I tried not to avoid my friends, but that said, I only went to social events that I really wanted to attend, with people I knew would be positive. Ultimately, time really does help. It’s a slow process, but it will get better.

    • I’m so sorry for your loss. A lot of us have been there and can sympathize. Allow yourself to go on auto-pilot at work. If anyone asks, just say you had some personal health issues that are now resolving (or share what happened, if you feel comfortable).

      You just suffered a loss and are allowed to mourn. Take some time for yourself each day (I like the lunch idea) and just do something that will make you feel better. Whatever you need to do. It’s such a cold comfort, but time will help heal the wound.

    • I suggest this only because I’m throwing the idea out there, not because I think I could necessarily do it. I had a miscarriage last year, and didn’t even tell my parents, so who am I to judge?

      But what if, to people you have some level of trust, you said “I’m sorry I’m not myself. I miscarried two weeks ago.” Maybe to your support staff? Is it too embarrassing or personal? And if so, why (I ask this more on a cultural level, NOT on a personal level, as you can see by my actions)? If someone fell and broke their ankle, they aren’t ashamed of it, and their body failed them, too, you know? I just find it so sad and discordant…many women post here about their miscarriages, and their is a flood of support and commiseration, but in our own lives, we stay silent, as though its shameful.

      Anyways I’m not really suggesting you SHOULD tell people…that’s a deeply personal choice and I hope I’m not making you feel worse. I just wish that it was okay, and acceptable, to ask for help in such a hard time. My sense is the vast majority of people would be supportive, but maybe it’d be too painful, to face those who weren’t. IDK. But hugs.

    • I was there less than a year ago and can say that I cried and was upset for months. Give yourself permission to mourn. For the first couple of weeks, I worked on autopilot and sometimes shut my door when I needed to cry. What helped me the most was that I told one friend at work and she went on short walks with me whenever I was losing it and would distract me. Hugs to you.

    • Feeling Lost :

      I went through a miscarriage in December (similar circumstances, went in at 8 weeks thinking everything was ok and found no heartbeat). Bc it was a busy time of year with lots of tight deadlines, I felt like I didn’t have any other choice than to work through it and put on a brave face. Although working was sometimes a welcome distraction, it also did not allow me to take time for myself to grieve. I think it took me a lot longer to cope with the miscarriage because I couldn’t fully process it. I’m a few months out and just finally starting to feel better.

      Its ok if you need to give yourself a break at work for a while. Like pp said, just focus on what absolutely needs to get done, and do that. If you don’t have the energy/focus to do any more, cut yourself some slack and go home. Once the deadlines passed and I was able to slow down, I had a terrible time focusing and was constantly thinking about the miscarriage. Had to close my door to cry many times. I think that’s totally normal, especially when the news comes so out of the blue.

      Also, is there anyone at work that you feel comfortable telling? I did tell one trusted colleague who is my superior, and it was helpful because when I wasn’t being myself or not totally on top of things that person definitely cut me slack and was understanding. Its so hard to pretend that everything is normal when you are going through this experience. Sorry for your loss and a big hug to you.

  25. Baby DC Esq. :

    Question about “know your office”: I’m a first year in a DC satellite office of a biglaw NY firm. The DC office is rather small (think 20-50 attorneys) with no female partners and few female associates. The NY office is ultra conservative, but the DC office is certainly more laid back in most areas. But because of the few females in the office, I’m having trouble “knowing my office” in terms of whats exceptable and whats not. The few female attorneys that are here are all over the spectrum, some frumpy/don’t seem to care, while others are seem more fashionable, but hard for me to know exactly what’s ok because I don’t necessarily see them daily (or even weekly).

    So my questions is, do you think it’d be ok for me to wear trendier, more colorful clothes, etc and set my own tone? Or is it better safe than sorry, and not risk standing out for my wardrobe? If it helps, I’m in transactional, so its not as if I’ll have to run to court at a moments notice, or even meet with clients unannounced (as they typically are internationl or NY located). TIA!

    • goldribbons :

      If you’ve been there more than 6 months (which, as a first year, should be right about now), and you still don’t “know your office” on this… safest is always going to be sticking with what’s worked. Also, clothes tend to be a bit less colorful in the winter, regardless of how conservative your office is. If you haven’t had a performance review, I would stay conservative until you can get some documented feedback on your work without it being “gosh she dresses crazy!” Then, if you really want to start branching out, I would try on an upcoming unseasonably warm Friday. Use the weather change to your advantage and maybe wait and see how your coworkers deal with warmer weather. Also, I wouldn’t start by wearing a lime green suit and a polka dot shirt. I’d start with say a bold necklace (which you can take off if you get too many comments).

    • What do the men wear? Aim for a similar tone. How about aiming for traditional styles with pops of color and/or unique accessories.

      • Kontraktor :

        Yeah, I mean.. I don’t see anything wrong with say wearing a rich kelly green silk shell with a navy suit and gold jewelry, for example. I think color doesn’t have to equal not conservative.

    • a passion for fashion :

      personally, I would wear what you want (obviously dressing professionally), but that is me. In a big firm, laywers can generally get away with what they want.

    • Anonymous :

      Thanks ladies! For more info, I’ve actually only been here for a little over a month now (though I did summer here), and the men tend to wear blue/white button ups with khakis, nothing too exciting. Though some of the male partners are more modern/fashionable. Also, I’m generally fairly conservative – so not looking to wear green polka dots, but maybe a red trouser. :)

      And the reason I asked, is that I’ve been trying to build my professional wardrobe now that I have a pay check, but find myself buying bland pencil skirts and cardigans to play it safe. I don’t want to build my whole wardrobe out of that if it turns out later I can be more creative, say with colored trousers, patterned pencil skirts, etc.

      • Baby DC Esq. :

        The above was me – dunno what happened to my name on that one.

      • It sounds like you can set the tone, so think of this as an opportunity! If your skirts are conservative (black, grey, navy), then mix up the tops you wear with them by adding color, pattern, texture. If that goes well, move to a slightly more adventurous base piece, like those red trousers you dream of. You can build over time by starting small and gauging the reaction. This approach also gives you the chance to develop your personal style organically.

  26. Another one for the Toronto gals :

    Hi ladies:

    Another question….I am feverishly planning my Yorkdale trip and noticed that an All Saints is supposed to be opening up there soon (be still my beating heart). Can’t find anything online about when exactly it is supposed to open, other than vague suggestions about “Spring 2013”, which could be anytime between now and June. Have any of you heard anything more specific? Any chance it might be open before the end of March?


    • TO Lawyer :

      Actually I’m probably a bad Torontonian because this is the first I’ve heard but seriously an All Saints?! I’m SO excited…

      Sorry I couldn’t be any help

      • Yes, and I am SO jealous….honestly, you would think it would be easy for me to take a trip down to Seattle to visit the store there, but in reality it never happens. And I don’t really want to order online. So if it is open by the time I go, I will Freak.Out.

    • Yorkdale is amazing, I always stop in when I go home. It’s pretty much my favourite mall, though it’s always a zoo.

      I’ll ask my sister and see what she has to say re: All Saints, she usually knows the scoop on Yorkdale, I think she has 1-2 friends that work there part-time while finishing up their undergrads.

  27. Kind of fun and kind of frivolous: say you had an interview for a position within the headquarters of a major clothing company with a distinct brand (think Anthropologie, J. Crew, etc.). What would you wear?

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