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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 313 Comments · by

Wednesday’s TPS Report: ‘Nicola’ V-Neck Peplum Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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gray work jacket - Topshop 'Nicola' V-Neck Peplum Jacket | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. To all the American readers: Happy day before Thanksgiving! Hopefully you've been enjoying a blissfully quiet week. This chic knit blazer from Topshop is just the kind of thing to wear when you're having a slow week at work — you’re comfortable, but still prepared for anything. At $56 (was $95), it's hard to pass up — and Nordstrom still has most sizes in stock. Huzzah. Topshop ‘Nicola' V-Neck Peplum Jacket Two plus-size options are here and here. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-4)

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Comments

  1. BB

    Hooray for almost-Thanksgiving! I’m working from home today, and so have a home office question. Is there any good solution for hiding unsightly black power adapter boxes? My home office desk is basically a table, totally open on the bottom. There’s not much space to put actual furniture to hide the cables/boxes, but maybe there’s some other solution out there I don’t know of? The cables themselves are actually fine. It’s those huge power bricks that are ugly! TIA!

    • Veronica Mars

      My only ideas would be buying some command strips and sticking the adapter under the bottom of the table (or behind the table if the lip is thick enough). You could hide the cord against one of the legs. That’s all I got.

      • Ellen

        Yay Kat! I love the PEPLUM JaCKET1 i am still on A NO_GO Credit spend thru next week, so I caONLEY look! FOOEY!

        This year, I am goeing lite on myself. I have most thing’s I need (other then a faster wireless ROOTER which VIOS want’s to charge me more for — FOOEY on FioS! SO i am doiNG VOLUNTeer SERVICE in a soup kitchen IN Brooklyn. I think that by giveing back to others, I can feel better about mylf, not being MARRIED or haveing a BOYFREIND and all.

        I figure that I have it OK, and that there are plenty of peeople out there that need more help then I do. And the jerk’s AT Isis ought to be stopped, but I will leave that to THE PUTINs and Politician’s of the world to do b/c I am ONLEY Ellen Barshevsky, attorney at law and WC Expert, but NOT familiar WITH SHUTTEL DIPLOMACY like Dad is.

        So to the HIVE, this Thanksgiving day, I wish you all the best!!!!! YAY!!!!

        • Rochelle

          Happy Thanksgiving to you too, Ellen. I share your sentiments about ISIS and will leave their fate in the hands of Putin, who I hope has the backbone to bomb the bejesus out of them until they are indistinguishable from petrified camel turds.

    • christineispink

      try searching for “ikea signum” and/or cable management. I have one of these under my bathroom shelves and it keeps all my cables up and away from the toilet(!) and another under my desk (which is really a table).

        • Anonymous

          I’m guessing the bathroom “cables” are plugs for a toothbrush, hair tools, etc.

        • Anonymama

          I’m guessing it’s for hair dryer, curling iron,face scrubber thingamabob, etc?

        • christineispink

          yes – these are always plugged in (my toothbrush, SO’s toothbrush, blowdryer, radio/clock/ipod dock) and these are sometimes plugged in (clarisonic mia, hair straightener).

    • Sydney Bristow

      Pinterest has some pictures of using cute boxes to keep them in and cut outs in the back so the cords can reach through. You should be able to find some options by searching Pinterest.

    • Scarlett

      I have a similar problem – my husband has a tangle of cords under his desk with nowhere for them to hide. Any magic solutions like that box wildkitten posted for this issue?

  2. anonymous

    What’s on everyone’s personal (as in, a gift for yourself) shopping list this season?

    • Basically trash

      I’m trying not to spend a whole lot of money on myself. Seems silly when I’m about to get all those presents, and this is a time to be generous to those around me. There’ll be lots of sales to take advantage of after Christmas.

      THAT SAID, I’m definitely gonna nab that VIP bag from Bath and Body Works on Black Friday, and I may take advantage of holiday sales to get some new shoes and/or cardigans. I’ve decided the whole “black and white to go with everything” strategy doesn’t work, as white can only be worn in some parts of the year and black doesn’t really go with “everything,” but neutrals like grey and beige will look great with my favorite skirts and dresses.

      • Senior Attorney

        I found myself at Nordie’s yesterday and bought this awesome silk skirt — it’s tea length and full with two layers of petticoats built in. Not on sale and ridiculously expensive, but it will be just the thing for holiday parties and concerts.

    • AIMS

      Oysters and booze for when I finally have this baby.
      More seriously, I want a new purse that’s small/light enough to use on weekends and be hands free but not so small that I am struggling to squeeze in wallet, phone and sunglasses. And I need a new food processor because mine broke.

      • anne-on

        I am seriously tempted by the Lo and Sons Pearl for this purpose – especially in the new red leather

        • Greensleeves

          I love the Pearl! Was just going to recommend it. I carry it as my daily purse now. My kids are old enough that I don’t need to cart kid stuff around anymore and I’ve been trying to cut back on how much stuff I carry. But it would also work great to keep your essentials separate from the diaper bag!

      • NewMomAnon

        I found that a small clutch with my wallet, phone and keys was more helpful than a purse once I started carrying a diaper bag. That way I could transfer the relevant stuff from my briefcase to the diaper bag quickly; I kept sunglasses, tissue, lip balm, etc. in both my briefcase and my diaper bag.

      • Cb

        I have an Orla Kiley crossbody travel pouch that I love. It fits my wallet, phone and assorted stuff but can also store a kindle for traveling. I find it really convenient, particularly when I have a larger bag (bus pass, wallet etc is easily accessible on the bus) and when traveling (can put my carryon above the seat and have my book and documents with me). It is not super sophisticated but it is fun and the waxed canvas wipes clean.

        • Congrats AIMS!

          Get an Everygirl bag from LeSportsac or a Mosy backpack – enough room for a diaper and extra footed sleeper when you have the baby, and good for baby wearing.

          Congrats!!!

    • Veronica Mars

      I got myself some Guylian chocolates (32 assorted chocolates for $12!) and I’ll likely grab another box before the Holidays are over. Beyond that, I’ll probably splurge and get a few pairs of flannel pajamas from VS. Marie Kondo was right, slipping into actual pajamas is the best. Those are the only real treats for me this holiday season. Maybe MAYBE some pearl earrings if I talk myself into it.

      • Veronica Mars

        Actually I kind of want to get a label maker. I know it’s kind of useless, but I just imagine going around my apartment labeling EVERYTHING with glee.

        • Best Coast

          Are you kidding?! I take my label maker on vacation and business trips with me because there is never a time that something doesn’t need labeled. Label on, warrior.

    • Cb

      No real needs here. I’ve asked for warm socks, a yoga bolster, and some novels. I’ll probably pick up a new teapot in the sales as my work one is really poorly insulated and buy a nice planner for the year.

    • DisenchantedinDC

      Bought myself an essential oil kit. May get my hair done. Ordered a new curling iron from Amazon.

      The real gift to myself will hopefully be having time to unpack my apartment, which has been mostly boxed since I moved in September, and do some serious decluttering in the process.

      • Basically trash

        Oh man, when I moved into my current apartment, I left two boxes of kitchen stuff unpacked, and they just sat there (one in the kitchen, one in my room) for two years before I finally unpacked them. Don’t be me . . .

        • DisenchantedinDC

          It makes me question if I really need anything that’s been in a box for 2 months. I went digging for the first time this week because I needed the accessories for my stand mixer – I am actually a huge baker but have been sticking to cheesecake and brownies because I was putting off finding my whisk and piping tip!

          • Anonymous

            I feel your pain! We sold our house last year, expecting to move into another one, then we decided to move into a 1-bedroom apartment in the interim — after I started packing things away. So half of my stuff is in storage and I miss some of my baking tools!

            We also have two boxes in a closet that have gone unpacked for more than a year. I’ll be very interested to see what’s in those…

          • Bonnie

            Within the last year, I finally went through the last of the boxes that we moved into the house 10 years ago. There were a couple good finds but probably 98% of it went to trash/Goodwill.

    • lawsuited

      I already spoiled myself waaaay too much at the Sephora VIB sale, so I’m going to cool it for a while!

  3. Sydney Bristow

    I can’t focus at all today. Apparently in years past our office has let people leave at 3. I’m hoping that is the case this year.

    I have no idea what to get my dad for Christmas and we are celebrating it in about 2 weeks so I need to figure it out. He is the type of guy who just buys what he wants. I’ve been reading other suggestions around here but nothing seems quite right.

    He’s in his late 50s and still working. He likes to travel, both in an RV and internationally. He’s a tech guy and also very interested in space stuff and sports cars. I think he really likes clothes from Tommy Bahama but has a lot of them. He already has season tickets to his favorite sports team and there aren’t any good concerts or shows in the area coming up that I could get him. He is notorious for never using gift cards so those are out.

    Past gifts that I’ve done well with are a burger flipper for his grill with the team logo on it, fancy steak sauce, a group gift of a go pro camera, and a coffee table book of the vintage cars of his favorite author.

    Any ideas?

  4. christineispink

    Help! Moving in with my SO in less than a month – I recall seeing previous discussions about how to discuss and split household chores and errands but the terms I’m searching with are resulting in way too many/broad results.

    If anyone recalls those links or has advice, I would really appreciate it.

    Some background info, we’re both working professionals. I’m better at cooking, he likes doing dishes but not quite up to my standard. He lets things sit a little longer before cleaning up/decluttering than I like, and he seems genuinely blind to clutter and odds and ends lying about. For example, he won’t throw away cough drop wrappers or the plastic wrap on a new purchase and is genuinely surprised when I ask him when he’s going to throw away his garbage. (Not surprised that I asked him to do it, but surprised that there IS refuse lying about).

    I feel like we’re pretty good on these things now, b/c the expectations are different at our respective “own” apartments, but want to have the discussions before things (might) unravel.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, I’d go into it expecting that you’re not going to change him/his standards, and that means that things may end up closer to his standards unless you are OK doing more work. That’s just how I’ve seen it play out. I think the trick is to change your expectations, versus trying to change his standards.

      • Anonymous

        Yes. You know that he doesn’t see clutter, leaves wrappers around, and isn’t as tidy as you. Do not go into this assuming that will ever change. Can you live with it? Do you want to? If the answer to both those questions isn’t yes, you are in for a world of hurt.

        Signed,
        The Person Who Put the Empty Box into the Freezer

        • christineispink

          Those are good questions! Also – are you related to my old roommate, the Girl Who Kept Empty Plastic Bags in the Fridge? (She was the NICEST girl but it drove me crazy!)

      • Senior Attorney

        Yup. My motto is “people are not improvement projects.” I don’t want anybody telling me what to do, so I return the favor by not telling the people in my life what to do. If you want the cough drop wrappers in the trash, it’s easiest to just put them there yourself.

        I always feel like Dan Savage’s concept of “the price of admission” is quite helpful. If you want to live with this guy, the price of admission is either lowering your standards or doing more work. And if that’s not okay, then your differing standards are probably a deal-breaker because you are not going to change him.

        • Basically trash

          “people are not improvement projects.”

          I like this and need to start using it more often. I still think that some people, as long as they genuinely want to improve, can do with some encouragement from loved ones. I still think that if I was living with someone neater I’d be more motivated to keep my own stuff neat. But man, this guy I’ve been dating on and off keeps trying to “improve” me by telling me what cut/color my hair should be, what colors I should be wearing, what fragrances are “mature” and “immature,” and he just always has something to say about my job, my apartment, my car, etc. Which would be fine if I was asking for his help, but I’m not! Going forward I need to assert this boundary, and remind him I’m not a project, if he wants to date me he needs to date who I am now and let me make my own decisions.

        • christineispink

          I LOVE Dan Savage’s “price of admission” and the SO and I had a great talk after I asked him to listen to it with me. Although sometimes I’ll bemoan his untidiness and SO just smiles and says “price of admission!”

    • Sydney Bristow

      Our system is that we each have something we hate doing so the other person does it. I hate dealing with the trash and recycling so he does it. He hates doing the dishes so I do that. This means that he spends 10-15 minutes doing chores about twice a week and I spend 10-15 minutes a day but it works because it isn’t taking as much mental space for me doing a chore that I hate.

      As far as different standards goes, I think it is easiest if the person with the higher standard just does it and tries not to resent it or is willing to lower their standards in exchange for not doing it. I can’t think of a good example because my husband and I have really similar comfort levels with this stuff. But say your SO always leaves a towel on the bathroom floor. It bugs you but not them. You can try to convince them to hang it up but if they never do then your options are (1) to hang it up yourself and just accept that as something you do, (2) hang it up yourself and be annoyed by it every time, (3) leave it on the floor and stew over it, or (4) leave it on the floor and not let it bother you. Option 1 is what I would try to go with but option 4 could work too. 2 or 3 will just mean trouble.

      Obviously there will be a bigger problem if everything is completely out of balance but in general a fair split doesn’t need to be an equal split.

    • Wildkitten

      Hire a housekeeper to do the big stuff and lower your standards in between unless you want to be doing all of the work. Would a roomba pick up the stuff he leaves around? If so, buy one.

      • lawsuited

        If possible, get a house cleaning service so that your relationship doesn’t devolve into a chore chart. I always say that getting a dishwasher save my marriage, and getting a cleaning service was great for our relationship too.

        • Anonymous

          This x 1000. When my then SO, now husband, first moved in, we split the cost of a bi-weekly housekeeper. Now we naturally divide things by what we want to do… we each do our own laundry, he does most of the cooking & grocery shopping, and I do basically everything else. Except the lawn, we’ve now hired that out, too.

          • christineispink

            I’ve started looking into hiring a cleaning service and SO is on board with that as a potential solution if we can’t figure it out ourselves. FWIW I used a cleaning lady during law school and thought it was the best money I’ve spent on a “relationship” and my mental health (see above re: roommate who left empty plastic bags in the freezer).

      • Wildkitten

        I also put stuff my BF leaves around into a basket. That way I’m not putting it away, but I am getting it out of my way. That’s a compromise that works for us, most of the time.

        • christineispink

          Wildkitten – I should expand this idea. We currently have a little “landing” box for his wallet, keys, glasses, etc. that he was leaving in different random places all over my apartment. Now that we’ll have more space, maybe I’ll just assign him a “basket” where I can deposit things he leaves around.

      • Scarlett

        +1 – I have always maintained a housecleaner is the key to domestic bliss. Since you’re saving rent on one place, up your frequency for even more happiness.

      • Sydney Bristow

        We got a roomba as a wedding present and that thing is amazing. Sweeping and vacuuming is one of those chores that we both find annoying and tend to put off. The roomba is a game changer.

        • christineispink

          Haha – Sydney – I got a roomba for myself as a “housewarming” and it’s probably my favorite thing in my apartment. My mom has said the roombas I bought for her (1 for upstairs and 1 for downstairs because she has bad knees and wrists) are the best thing in her life. Exaggerations, but only slightly!

    • DisenchantedinDC

      I always felt this way about myself – I don’t understand how things get so messy.

      Turns out, I fall somewhere on the ADD spectrum. So, give him a break in that he is probably not doing this because he genuinely doesn’t care, it just doesn’t register to him.

      Living with other people — roommates or SOs — involves a lot of compromise. I lived with somebody who had insanely high standards and she was a total b! to me, even though I worked pretty hard at keeping things way more clean than I would have otherwise. You may (and should!) get him to sign up to help on certain things, but overall you’re just going to have to accept how he is because you love this person.

    • TO Lawyer

      My boyfriend and I don’t officially live together but usually spend about 5 nights a week together, usually at my place so I’ve had to struggle a bit with the different cleaning standards too.

      I’ve accepted that there are certain things that he won’t do to my standards and I just do those when it bugs me. I also try not to let it bug me when he leaves crumbs on the counter because really, it’s a little thing compared to all the great things he does do for me. It’s hard but a lot of it has been mental on my part to try to not be bothered by minor things.

      • christineispink

        TO Lawyer – this is our situation now. Except we spend EVERY night in my apartment. He’ll go to his place to drop off or pick up a few items but we live in my 170 sq. ft. studio. You make a good point and I’ll definitely try harder to remember all the great things he does and how much he’s willing to volunteer to help around the apartment as well.

        I feel like I didn’t mention how much I care about SO and how kind he is and committed to our happiness. He HAS learned that socks go in the laundry basket!!!

    • Basically trash

      It’s probably best if you have a conversation before the move-in about your expectations of him, and find out what he sees as fair and reasonable versus too strict. Maybe set some guidelines to help him (like “put your clean clothes away before going to bed” or “sort through living room clutter every weekend, before Sunday night dinner”), I know setting “rules” for myself helps me stay on top of the dishes.

      You could also look into storage and organization solutions to make staying tidy easier for him.

      If he starts developing bad habits, first decide if you can live with them, and if you can’t, nip it in the bud with straightforward communication. Stewing breeds resentment and only makes the problem harder to manage when it comes to light, and passive-aggressive comments will only lead to both of you feeling frustrated!

      • Anonymous

        My skin is crawling just reading this. I’m an adult! I put my clean enough to be worn again clothes on a pile on a chair in my bedroom every night like normal people do.

        I declutter when I have company maybe?

        I don’t need storage solutions or to be told my habits are bad. There’s no inherent virtue in perfectly maintained spaces. I need someone who loves me, all of me, and goes into a relationship expecting both of us to be who we are and love each other.

        If you really hate mess, clean it. If you really hate messy people, don’t date us!

        • Basically trash

          Sorry! I didn’t mean to insult you and I didn’t mean to say those were rules everyone needs to follow. . . I just know that I have ADHD and my room is usually a mess, and sometimes I date guys who are neater than me. If I were to move in with someone with better cleaning habits than myself, I’d be willing to try a little harder to keep things neater so it doesn’t drive him crazy. In fact if I was in a relationship heading in that direction I’d feel motivated to get my act together in preparation, and to be someone he’d want to live with.

          I’d ideally want him to meet me halfway rather than expect me to conform to his standards, but just like a neat person should be willing to tolerate some mess in the name of love, I’d think a messy person would be willing to try a little harder to keep things clean in the name of love as well.

          • Anonymous

            Different Anon (I replied first above) – I agree with your statement, but the practical outcome, over time, is that people revert to their mean, and asking the messier person to do more than their baseline over time is different than asking a neater person to do less. The messier person will always struggle more (while the neater person stews!)

          • Basically trash

            Yeah, you’re right. I’ve gone through tidiness kicks but I always revert to my old ways. My comment was stupid and insulting, and I’m sorry.

            I do think that neat people have two options: say something direct, or get over it. I’ve had roommates resort to passive aggressive behavior when they felt like they were doing all the work, and it just isn’t a good solution. It doesn’t resolve anything, you just get angrier and more frustrated while they get frustrated because you’re obviously mad but aren’t using your actual words to say why you’re mad.

          • SC

            I’m the neater person in a relationship with someone with ADD, and honestly I’m not even that neat. I agree with a lot of what’s been said, including that you should not go into living with someone expecting to permanently change someone’s habits and cleanliness standards and that even people who make an effort tend to revert to their baseline over time. But I also disagree with the idea that it’s easier for the neater person to accept a lower baseline. Just like DH can’t see the wrappers and packaging and dishes strewn about, I can’t NOT see them, and I have a very hard time not letting them bother me.

            DH and I have been living together for almost 10 years. We don’t have the constant fights that we had when we first moved in together (usually resulting from me waiting to see how long he would let something go and stewing over it in the meantime – I was 22!), but it is still a struggle that requires communication, compromise, and mutual acceptance. So sometimes when I say something directly, he’ll sigh and clean up even though he doesn’t want to, but sometimes he’ll say “nope, I’m not doing that right now,” and I have to either do it myself or let it go. It’s worth it to both of us to deal with this mismatch because we love each other and are very compatible in most other important ways.

            My advice is to communicate with your BF before moving in. But the conversation should be, “I recognize that we have different baselines for neatness. I think this may be a struggle at first. I’m going to try to accept a lower baseline and also communicate when something is really bothering me. I’d really appreciate it if you would make an effort too.” If that’s not good enough for you, consider not moving in with him.

        • used to be neat...

          I’m with you!

          Funny thing is that I used to be ultra neat, but I learned after a health crisis in my family what’s really important in life and what isn’t. Perfect, cleaned, organized houses are not important. At all. Time is the most valuable thing to me. Time for myself, time with people you care about.

          I also noticed that people I knew who were relaxed about their cleaning standards tended to be more happy, less anxious people.

          To the OP – I totally agree that two working adults should pitch in to have a housecleaner come once or twice a month. And I agree that you need to learn to let things go. Your boyfriend sounds great, and not messy on the significant scale at all.

          I agree that neat freaks should marry neat freaks!

          • Jennifer

            Ha, I’ve found myself to be much neater now that I am older and live by myself, precisely because I want to be able to always have my place be company ready to facilitate time with the people I care about (not that they would love me any less for having dishes in the sink, but it’s still nice to not even worry about it in the moment.)

        • Anonymous

          Totally agree!!

          I was on a first date once and the guy said he was OCD. I smiled and laughed and told him, “This isn’t going to work.”

      • christineispink

        This is actually pretty helpful b/c SO admits he likes clean and tidy living spaces (his dad was a neat freak who always picked up after him instead of teaching him these skills). We’ve also discovered that “systems/rules” work well for him. If he knows where something is supposed to/should go, then he knows where to put it; he’s just never had a system of his own. (We joke that the theme of his apartment is “This is where SO dropped ___(socks/keys/mail/unopened Amazon box)___”). I’m hoping we can set up sufficient systems (I’m a “there’s a place for everything and even a spot for miscellaneous things” type of person) when we move in – although I’m going on vacation with my family 4 days into our move to the new apartment so I’m worried he’ll mess it all up! (mostly joking).

    • Anon

      I am a bit of an OCD clean freak and my husband is probably closer to your SO and moving in together actually wasn’t that big of a deal. For us, making it work was a combination of a lot of conversations and open communication initially (including a little reminding/nagging on my part), him making an effort to pick up after himself more and me accepting that sometimes it’s easier to let things go or just do them myself (pick and choose your battles!). Basically, the best case scenario is that you both compromise. There are going to be growing pains as you both learn to adjust and what does and doesn’t work for you. I realized early on that it made me insane when my husband did the laundry (which he was actually very willing to do) because he washed things on the wrong cycle, with the wrong product (fabric softener instead of detergent), etc. so I eventually just asked him not to touch the laundry, ever. He occasionally leaves a soda can or wrapper out(maybe once a week) and I usually just pick them up myself and don’t say anything – this used to be a constant thing, though, so again, I appreciate that he makes an effort to pick these up 90% of the time and let it go the other 10%.

      • christineispink

        Yay – this makes me feel much better! He’s definitely made a huge effort and improvement from when we first started dating. Neither of us wants to “change” the other but we do want to make each other happy so I think that helps.

    • CPA Lady

      I’m that minor slob. I’ve been trying for years to “do better” for my obsessively neat and minimalist husband, but I always slide back into minor slob-hood after a few weeks because it’s just kind of who I am. I’m not living in squalor by any stretch of the imagination. At the point I really don’t care, and don’t expect to ever change.

      It has zero to do with how I feel about my husband/how much I respect him/whatever and just boils down to who and how I am. The times he’s gotten crazy about keeping score on stuff like that “you left a glass on the table!!!” have been times when we’ve been unhappy. Eventually he realized it was just the price of admission and sucked it up. Since then, we’ve been happier.

      So don’t expect him to change. Seriously. Either do it yourself or suck it up.

      • anon a mouse

        Fellow minor slob here married to a person with a much higher standard of cleanliness. You both have to learn what you can and can’t live with, and make it clear. Also, if there’s something you can’t live with (for example, dishes in the sink overnight), you have to be willing to do it yourself rather than stew or nag. We also both agreed to try to employ the “touch it once” method of living so that stuff gets put away rather than put into a new pile somewhere else.

        I will offer two rays of hope for you. First, I have gotten so much better about noticing a mess than I ever was when I lived alone. That by itself is huge – I am clutter-blind by nature. And second, because I know how important it is to my husband, I try to make more of an effort to keep things closer to his standards, out of respect and love for him.

        • christineispink

          Thanks for your comments from the other side – CPA Lady and anon a mouse. I think “clutter-blind” is a really useful term because it’s definitely not the case that he’s willfully messy or disrespectful of how I like things. I do agree with many commentors have said about picking the things we can/can’t live with and then learning to let the others go (in some way, compromise, outsourcing, sucking it up/getting over it).

    • MNF

      We recently adopted a new cleanliness standard in our house – 10 minutes from clean. Whoever feels like being messy, can be messy, but we have to be able to get the common areas in order within 10 minutes. I think I stole this idea from Cupcakes and Cashmere. But it’s a good way to think about the compromise for us.

    • New Anon

      You might consider whether you can live with a little clutter if you know it’ll get handled in the not too distant future. The best solution I’ve ever had to this issue (my husband and I both would like to be neater people and are happier in a neat house but don’t naturally maintain one) is a schedule. Basically, each room gets handled one day per week, and then you just split up assignments. In our case, “handled” means the bedroom, kitchen, and living room get picked up (cough drop wrappers thrown out, items left out put back where they belong, couch pillows straightened, etc) and the bathroom gets cleaned (ours is tiny and doesn’t attract clutter).

      This works for us because I don’t feel a looming “everything is messy and I’ll have to be the one to deal with it!” and it also doesn’t ask either of us to change our less-neat-than-we’d-like natures. I think it’s harder to learn to be a person who always puts things away when she’s done with them than to learn to be a person who schedules 10 minutes of tidying up a couple of times a week.

    • DC Anon

      You may want to think about whether you can let go of your dishwashing standards. Otherwise you’re going to end up (1) nagging him about his dishwashing skills or (2) taking over the dishwashing yourself (which, if you like cooking, means you’ll be doing everything kitchen-related). Neither of those are going to lead to a good outcome.

      More broadly, if you can afford it you MUST get a housecleaning service. That’s seriously been the key to lack of domestic strife in my household. We have someone come and clean every other week so all we have to worry about is the day to day picking up.

      For actual stuff that he leaves around, you can just have a box to stick it in or a catch-all place to put it (I pile things on my husband’s desk and accept that it will always be a huge mess). For trash things like cough drop wrappers, you’ll probably have to either affectionately pick up after him or be okay with frequently calling it to his attention (hey, clean up your wrappers).

      Overall, I’d monitor yourself really carefully at the beginning of the move-in to make sure you’re not getting resentful or being passive aggressive at all. Those are just complete relationship-killers and will make both of you miserable. Ideally you want to find yourself viewing his quirks through a lense of humor and affection with maybe occasional annoyance that you’re able to quickly dismiss. If you’re finding yourself constantly irritated and resentful, you may want to rethink things (either your approach to the relationship or the relationship itself).

      • christineispink

        DC Anon – Thank you for this! This was such a thoughtful response that really resonated with my main concerns. It sounds like something I’d hope to write after a few years of the new living situation (been there, done that, here’s how to do it nicely). I find your last paragraph especially useful.

        I hope the dishwashing thing becomes a non-issue because the new apartment will have a dishwasher – but then I realized I’ll probably think SO’s dishwasher loading skills are not up to par (I liken the dishwasher to Tetris – and like to win at putting in the most stuff without affecting how clean everything gets). So that definitely speaks more about me and my approach about how SO does things in general (I compare the way he does things to how I would do them and basically any difference is BAD but we’re/I’m working on that! And he still accepts me! So I’ll try harder to accept him!).

  5. Curiously Not a Mrs

    I’ve just moved to northern Virginia (D.C. suburbs), and I’ve been clearly called “Mrs. Last name” four times in two days. I’m single and 30. The grammar/social police in me is going a little nuts lol.

    Is this a regional thing? (How can it be? Is anyone actually from here?) Does this happen to anyone else in the area? I lived in downtown D.C. for over a year and it never happened once…not has it ever happened to me anywhere else I’ve lived.

    Ah, the pressing posts the day before Thanksgiving ;)

    • Anonymous

      Also in NoVA, and unless you’re in PW County, that’s not a thing here. I don’t recall many people ever saying it to me here, and I’ve lived here for 15 years. I would just write it off.

      • Kirstie and Phil

        Ah, but you’ve lived there for 15 years. I imagine people are thinking that the only reason a 30 year old would relocate there would be for its advantages in bringing up a family

        • Anonymous

          You must not have spent much time in Arlington and Fairfax (the key areas of NoVA proper) :) . . . they are crawling with single 20 and 30-somethings who are there for the semi-urban lifestyle, not for raising families.

    • Jennifer

      Pure speculation, no evidence to support this theory: I’d guess its a suburb thing? People out there are more likely to be on the married/kids/need a yard and good schools track, and it’s an easy assumption that you are too.

      • Wildkitten

        This jives with my Happy Mother’s Day theory. I’d just roll with “Mrs” if it keeps the liquor store from interrogating you on your wedding plans every time you buy a bottle of pinot grigio to drink at home alone. (No wedding plans, just your finest twist off cap, thank you.)

    • Wildkitten

      No – that’s not a thing. But I will say, as a fellow 30 year old, a lot of people in service/retail (corner store, dry cleaner) assume my boyfriend and I are married, and I definitely get “Happy Mother’s Day” from *everyone* on Mother’s day for the past like three years. I chalk the Mother’s Day Thing up to statistics (statistically a woman my age has kids, even though I do not) and just tell my BF that we’re common law married by the dry cleaner. So, I’d find a way to be amused by that instead of fighting it, if not just for your own personal stress level. I have plenty of battles to pick, so I don’t choose that one.

      • Anonymous

        Statistically a 30 year old in a major city does not have kids. I am also 30 and have never been wished Happy Mother’s Day in my life.

          • Anonymous

            Wild kitten, congratulations on being the most obnoxious person on this s i t e. You clearly have a lot of free time, since you average at least 25 comments on every post, and I feel sorry for you that you spend so much of it making nasty anonymous internet comments.

          • Sarcasm

            You mean someone has a ton of time to kill on the Wed before Thanksgiving when lots of people are already out of the office. That’s so unexpected!

        • Wildkitten

          I checked (slow day) and the average age of a mother for her first birth is 25 in Chicago, 26 in DC, 26 in New York, and 32 in San Francisco.

          • Anonymous

            That number doesn’t include women who never give birth. Average also != median. I’d bet the median is higher than the average.

          • Anonymous

            Why would it include women who have never give birth in a count of mother age at first birth? What age would be imputed to women not giving birth?

          • Anonymous

            It wouldn’t. That’s my point. But if you’re talking about the odds that a 30 year old woman has a child, you also have to include the X% of women who never give birth in your calculation. Saying “average age of first birth is 26” does not mean that the average 26 year old has a child, because it’s not factoring in women who don’t give birth (and also because of the difference between median/mean). It could very well be that the average age of first motherhood is 26 but a 29 year old only has a 50% chance of having a child.

    • DisenchantedinDC

      Also NoVa, mid/late 20’s, have never had this happen.

      I did go car shopping a few months ago with a male friend and they called him “Mr. Disenchanted” though, so that was awkward.

    • CountC

      I grew up in NoVA and then lived there for a while as a 30 something. This is not atypical. NoVA is the suburbs and folks assume you are there to have a family. They assume you’d live in Arlington or DC if you were single and ready to mingle. Not saying it’s right, but I am not surprised. I got the Mrs. bit often as well despite being single/not married. You can let it drive you nuts or you can realize that people do not mean any harm by it and let it go.

    • Batgirl

      I just moved back down there as well — a little older and married, but no one has done that to me yet. And while I also don’t remember that being a thing growing up in the area, I did leave when I was college-age so that may have something to do with it. I do, however, expect people to call me Mrs. Husband’sLastName even though I didn’t change my name.

    • AIMS

      I’m not in the area but just wanted to commiserate. We have a new person at the office who’s done this a few times to me now with other people (in email). I would be less bothered by it at the dry cleaners but I find it so grating at work! And the worst part is I randomly asked him about it when I got a letter from someone he spoke with addressing me as Mrs. — (“Hmm, weird how they did that!”) and his response was he could never remember the difference. So I explained and said, “just always use Ms. at work unless someone tells you they prefer otherwise” …. and then the next week he did it again.

    • TBK

      I live in NoVA. Am married. Late 30s. Have never ever ever been called Mrs., except by my kids’ pediatrician’s office (where they know that I’m married and that I share my husband’s last name — I prefer Ms. in all contexts, but am fine with being Mrs. K when dealing with kid stuff).

      AIMS, my husband used to get confused by when to use Ms., which I find so weird. It’s also so weird to me when people use Mrs. at work. Honestly, though, I wish we’d just done what the French and Germans have done and make Mrs. the default for all adult women regardless of marital status. For them Madam and Frau are truly what Ms was always meant to be but has never become because of Mrs.

    • Curiously Not a Mrs

      OP here. I’m in Tysons. I just moved for work. I haven’t even been here a week yet, but it doesn’t strike me as a particularly family-oriented place? Idk. I live in one of the high rise apartments and work in another high rise. I’m not sure I’m getting the representative feel of the area (maybe I built my own bubble?), but it’s completely child-free so far.

      I genuinely don’t care that much :) It’s more the grammar side of it that gets me more than anything :)

      • TBK

        Funny how much Tysons has changed. No, you’re seriously in family-land. Go a half mile or so out from Route 7 on either side, or head down into Falls Church. Or into Vienna. Families galore.

  6. Runner 5

    What is up with models always being shot slouching and looking bored? I almost expect her to start blowing bubbles and start talking about One Direction…

    • bridget

      Thank you for saying it. She looks bored and bratty – and that doesn’t make me want to buy the clothes. (I figured out a while ago that if the model looks happy and confident, and completely at home in a board room, I am a lot more likely to buy the clothes. But this? I would just feel like I was wearing things too young and immature for myself.)

      • Runner 5

        Also Topshop is just overpriced. They know they’re such a big name that they can charge huge amounts for tat and get away with it (FOOEY). For ages I just went in to look at their make-up but it’s now available on feelunique so I don’t have to go in at all now, hooray

  7. anonymous

    Is it rude to correct people when they call me Mrs. Husband’sLast when I’m actually Dr. MyLast? Under what circumstances is this not rude or obnoxious? I’m really not one to use titles and would prefer that people just call me by my first name. But if we’re using titles, I want to be Dr. MyLast. I just wonder if the fact that I’m also asking to be called a different title is regarded as pompous.

    • Wildkitten

      It’s never rude but it could be perceived as obnoxious. Can you limit the correction to situations in which you are going to interact with the person again, so you are usefully correcting them for next time rather than just punitively correcting them for this time?

      • Wildkitten

        Or you can just correct everyone every time as a foot soldier for feminism and know that some people will think you are obnoxious and decide it’s worth it to be called your actual name and title.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Whether or not it’s rude, to me, depends on tone of delivery, not content. If someone refers to you as Mrs. Husband, I think it’s fine to say something like “oh, it’s actually Dr. Last, thanks.” It’s no different than if someone was calling you by the wrong first name – you’d correct them kindly, right? Same rules for this, in my view.

    • Mpls

      In a professional setting, I would push it. You earned that degree and deserve to have it recognized.

      In a social setting, I probably wouldn’t push it, though I’d be more likely to bring it up in conversation if I were a MD/DDS/DVM, and less likely if it were a Ph.D (not because it’s less work, but there is less need to identify academic doctorates over medical personnel in general society – Dr. of Russian Lit only helps in Dostoyevsky emergency, right?). Though, if it’s a social situation where other people are getting the “doctor” treatment, then I’d probably respond with a “Oh, it’s actually Dr. MyLast. But do call me FirstName!” and go back to the conversation flow.

      All of this being absolutely theoretical because I have neither an MD nor a Ph.D.

      • Anonymous

        My parents are PhDs but they told me to address only wedding invites to MDs as “Dr.” because “PhDs aren’t real doctors.” :) I agree with this 100%. In a professional setting, push it. In a personal setting let it go.

      • PhD girlfriend

        My boyfriend has a PhD and never uses Dr. When I first saw his mail addressed to “Dr. Boyfriend,” he was embarrassed more than anything.

        I’m a BS, happy to fix things with duct tape or say “good enough”. When he goes down a rabbit hole trying to get something just right (like a true PhD), I am not above calling him “Dr. Boyfriend”. It drives him crazy. Then he reminds me that I’m a lowly BS JD. :-)

        • Totally Kidding

          Well if you are a JD you have a doctorate and should totally insist on being called esquire ;)

          Unfortunately I know a couple people from law school that actually did this.

    • DisenchantedinDC

      I think if you say it in a friendly tone and then keep the conversation moving on, it is totally okay. You worked hard for that title and it is cool to want to be acknowledged by it in a formal setting. I’d also assume benevolence on the other party’s part – they’re probably not doing it to be jerks (though, you never know in some situations), they are just trying to be polite and honestly don’t know.

      “Actually, it’s Dr. MyName! Actually, I went to school at Columbia – I heard you went to…” or what-have-you.

      • Wildkitten

        Omg if you said “Actually it’s Dr. Disenchanted. I went to Columbia!” I would definitely peg you as obnoxious.

        • DisenchantedinDC

          I mean, I went to an extremely generic state school… was just trying to give an example of how the conversation could be transitioned forward.

          If we were at a professional association dinner, I’d ask what your connection was to PRSA or if you knew the person being honored or whatever.

    • bridget

      When and why is this happening? If your kids’ friends are doing it, or their parents figure that “Mrs. Kids’ Last Name” is correct, then just laugh, say you kept your maiden name, and you are FirstName LastName.

      Husband’ company party? “It’s actually Dr. LastName, but please call me Jane.”

      Delivery man, staff at the hospital if your hubs is a patient, someone on the phone asking for your husband, etc? Just… leave that one.

      • SC

        Staff at the hospital if your hubs is a patient? If you’re an MD, definitely let them know if they don’t already!

        • bridget

          Er, no. Not necessarily.

          Nurse walks over, sees wife holding husband’s hand. Takes husband’s blood pressure and says “Hello, Mrs. Smith.” Trust me, correcting her as to either the last name or the title is just obnoxious. She’s saying hello to his wife.

          Also, the spouse in question most likely wouldn’t be a doctor at that hospital, a doctor in that specialty, and certainly isn’t his doctor. So while her credentials are helpful *for him*, they are irrelevant for the hospital.

          • SC

            Fair point that correcting, as in, “Actually, it’s Dr.,” in that moment would be obnoxious. But my mother and FIL are both MDs, and they always find a way to let hospital staff and others know that they are MDs when they have loved ones in the hospital. As a patient, I’ve found that I’ve received more information and better service when either my mom or FIL has been present, although I don’t think it’s affected the medical treatment I’ve received.

    • lawsuited

      It’s possible that the “Dr.” part will make your correction sound more pretentious, but I correct people mistakenly referring to me by my husband’s last name rather than my own but saying in a friendly tone, “I actually go by [FirstName] [MyLastName].”

    • Anonymous

      It’s neither rude nor obnoxious to tell people what your name is!

      Although unless you are a medical doctor I would say it’s Ms. Maiden not Dr. Maiden

    • Maddie Ross

      Correcting your name? Do it. Correcting your title? Well, I’m not a doctor, so I could be wrong, but aren’t you still a Ms. too? It’s not like that went away. I can’t think of a situation where you wouldn’t sound like Ross Gellar on Friends to be so specific about title. Which is not so much ideal in my book.

      • Batgirl

        Yes, I would absolutely correct the last name (if it bothers you, it doesn’t bother some people to go by both, though it should obviously be your choice) but I’d be more reluctant to correct the Dr part unless I was a medical doctor. I’d be more inclined to say “Actually, it’s Batty Batgirl” rather than “actually, it’s Dr. Batgirl.” Or “Actually, it’s [LastName] not [Husband’sLastName].” I’d say the same thing for a man.

    • Dr. Susie

      In what situations are you debating this?

      I am an MD PhD and I pretty much never correct anyone when they don’t call me Doctor or use my name correctly unless I am in the hospital and they assume incorrectly that I am NOT the doctor and think I am the nurse/technician etc. This happens occasionally as a woman, and particularly because so many people wear white coats in hospitals that aren’t docs. That is the only situation in my mind when I do this…. because it is necessary.

      I also found that many of my patients (younger and older) look at my name tag, see my first name, and start calling me by my first name. That is usually not appropriate, but I even let that one go if they are being respectful….. and let the nurses correct them. And I actually am a bit amused when my older patients (or patients from certain cultural backgrounds) call me Dr. Susie. I actually really like that and let that continue!

      Social situations? Not necessary to correct, and sounds arrogant/entitled. If the people become friends, they will learn in less direct ways, wont they?

      I have a good friend who is a PhD in a biomedical field. She makes sure she has Dr. on every credit card, phone bill envelope, every restaurant reservation, every professional situation…. but she will let it go in social situations. But she gets furious if someone in a service industry does not use her appropriate title. You should see her at an airport!……. She is way overboard in my opinion. I don’t use Dr. on any of that stuff. She has issues, and admits it. Her parents are both medical doctors, and PhD’s don’t get much respect in her family.

      • anonymous

        It really just bothers me in situations where we’re together and we get called Dr. HisLast and Mrs. HisLast (we’re both PhDs, and like I said I’m not really into titles, but if he’s a Dr. then so am I!)

        • Dr. Susie

          If someone goes out of the way to introduce him as Dr. HisLast, then it is perfectly fine for you to correct your name.

          Can you give an example of this situation though? It has to be professional, right or why the heck would anyone be calling him PhD doctor in the first place? This happens so rarely in life, honestly……

          And in this situation, your husband should be correcting it.

          • Mpls

            “Doesn’t that get confusing to have two Dr. HisLast?”

            “Nope. I’m Dr. MyLast and he’s Dr. HisLast. Not confusing at all.”

            Yeah, if other people are having their titles used, then it’s not obnoxious to correct.

          • Anonymous

            I would make a joke out of it and say something like “Actually we both have PhDs, but since neither of us can help out in a medical emergency, calling us Susie & Bob is fine.”

    • anonymous

      If you have children, I’d let it slide with their friends. I remember two mothers in particular who would fairly directly correct us kids if she was called Mrs. [Husband’s Last Name]. As young kids, it was hard to quickly remember that what their names were, so we’d often just not address them by name rather than run the risk of getting reprimanded. (This was also still very much in the era of children addressing all adults by Mr. and Miss/Ms./Mrs., which seems to be over judging from my acquaintances’ kids, so this point may no longer be relevant!)

    • lost academic

      Agree with most of all this, I have the same challenges. I am (soon to be) Dr. MyLastName (really MyLastName, PhD, of course), and also Ms. MyLastName professionally, but definitely get a lot of Mrs. HisLastName. When it’s easier – specifically in a situation where it’s important to define our relationship for payment or medical things, I let it slide – I personally feel I am BOTH Ms/Dr MyLastname AND Mrs. HisLastName (though legally I am not the latter). Professionally I am pretty specific about correcting politely though recently seen some accidentally Mrs MyLastName which is the one I don’t like.

      I like watching my husband handle being called Mr. MyLastName. Mine is better anyway :)

    • KeptMyName

      I don’t think there is anything obnoxious in correcting people when they call you by the wrong name, especially if this is some one you will meet again (not the delivery guy or dry cleaners). You kept your name and people need to respect it and not make assumptions. I would not hesitate to correct them, and be offended if they do it again. I am tired of women always having to think 100 times about other’s feelings, my name is important to me. If other person respects me, they better get it right. My husband’s family is very conservative and he has never revealed to relatives that I haven’t changed my name, he prefers to hide it. His cousin sent a wedding invite few months ago with Mr & Mrs HisLastName even though he is friends with me on fb and knows I use my maiden name only. I refused to attend (traveling half way across the world) for someone who does not even make the effort to get my name right. I am offended and will not sugar coat it. I will use my vacation days and travel budget for better things, husband can go on his own. Yes I am obnoxious and I don’t care if it offends others. I will not apologize for my name.

  8. Brunette Elle Woods

    How does everyone organize their necklaces? I have too many and they end up in a pile on my dresser where they get tangled up. Any recommendations for a necklace stand or some other method or organizing them? I can’t stand to look at the pile anymore and I am hoping to find a good deal this weekend.

    • Runner 5

      I really love jewellery trees and have wanted one for ages – they’re perfect for necklaces and bracelets (but not great for earrings). Try TJ Maxx and Etsy.

    • christineispink

      I have a bunch of 3M adhesive hooks (some that I’ve spray painted gold-ish a la Pinterest) that I put up at varying heights on the wall near my jewelry/dresser top. Some of them hold just one chunky necklace, some of them hold multiple independent chains with pendants. But it’s great to have 10ish of my “favorite” necklaces easily on hand and also is a bit decorative since I think my jewelry is pretty.

      • New Tampanian

        I’ve done this in one of my closets. I have two cats so if I used a jewelry tree or hung in the open, they’d be ruined. I’ve also seen people use door pulls, or knobs as the hook.

      • Senior Attorney

        I have a variety of decorative hooks on the wall next to my dressing table and my necklaces hang on them. Convenient and pretty!

    • Sydney Bristow

      Someone here recommended this to me and it solved my entire problem. Sadly I can’t remember who it was. Thank you to whoever it was!

      Get a cork board and long pins. I have those t-shaped pins. Then you can put the pins as close together or spread out as necessary. This easily accommodates my dainty necklaces as well as my statement ones.

    • Anon in NYC

      I bought a large serving tray (something you can get at Ikea, West Elm, etc.) and some cute bowls of varying sizes and styles (West Elm, Anthropologie) and have this tray of bowls on top of my dresser. Each bowl has a necklace or two. It makes it really easy to see what I have.

    • Anona

      PBteen has some cute jewelry hanging options and Urban Outfitters always had them, too. I hang my necklaces on a little keyrack I got from Anthropologie.

    • Aurora

      I used to hang them on a tree but they were always getting tangled and the longer necklaces would pool at the bottom. Now I use a mixed system – jewelry tree for short statement necklaces, and some of the Stack ‘Em boxes (from the Container store, although Amazon has them too) for dainty and long pieces. I like that the boxes have a separate “row” for each necklace so I can quickly and easily see all my options laid out in front of me – I felt like with the tree, things were often so crowded that I’d overlook or completely forget about certain pieces, particularly the smaller ones.

    • anon99

      I use a wooden pasta drying rack. It works like a charm and looks fairly nice.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      Thank you all for the suggestions. I don’t want to do anything that involves something sticking to the walls and the back of my door already has my robes and bath towels. I think a necklace tree might be the best option. Maybe I’ll look at some on Etsy. If anyone has any links to some pretty ones please post!

  9. Anon

    Would you go to a baby show that is a 3 hour drive away on a Saturday for a good friend? I am really busy at work (will definitively be working that weekend) and would probably have to hitch a ride with a mutual friend, which may mean I would have to stay overnight too (it is their hometown so she will probably visit family while there). I will be getting a gift either way.

    Also- anyone have any good hair products for dry/split ends? My hair gets greasy on top but it’s been dry on the bottom. I heard good things about the Nexxus split end creme.

    • Runner 5

      I love the John Frieda secret agent cream for dry hair. I think Kat’s recommended it before.

    • DisenchantedinDC

      Good friend? No.

      Best friend? Yes. (the list is short)

      Traveling on a holiday weekend is always a pain for me, and if I was that busy at work, I’d have to commit knowing that my attention will be pulled even more over the next couple holiday weeks. YMMV. If you send a gift and send a text that day, then call her to catch up a couple days later/set a Skype date, I’m sure she’ll understand.

      I like the bumble&bumble repair cream – use the purple one when I blow dry and just started using the “don’t blow it” when I don’t. I also really like the Macadamia Natural Oil mask – you can apply it to the ends of your hair, tie it back, sleep on it and then wash it out the next morning. Magic.

    • CountC

      I wouldn’t, but I don’t care for baby showers. I would send the gift with an apologetic, sorry I couldn’t make it to the shower, can’t wait to meet [son/daughter].

    • Scarlett

      Depends on what “good” means, one of my closest friends I see regularly then I’d go (wouldn’t be happy about it, baby showers are the worst), but otherwise I’d send a gift and decline nicely.

    • Basically trash

      I love Bumble and Bumble’s Hairdresser’s Invisible Oil for my hair. I only need to use a little at a time, so that $40 bottle I bought a year ago is still half full.

    • Anonymous

      I would, but I can count my “good friends” on one hand and they have always, without exception, shown up for my big life stuff, so I would want to do the same. For someone I consider merely a “friend,” I would probably not go and would just send a gift.

    • SC

      I probably wouldn’t, especially if it were inconvenient or stressful. I’ve never traveled to a baby shower, and my mother was the only person who traveled for mine. The three or so people I consider “best” friends all live in other states than I do, and we’ve sent invites to each other’s baby showers followed up with text messages of “I wanted to invite you and of course would love to see you, but I have absolutely no expectation that you’ll make it to this one.”

  10. meteorologist dress

    I was just wondering if any of you have thoughts on the latest “the dress”.

    • Anonymous

      It’s too clubby/$exy for my tastes. Sadly I think looking $exy is considered an attribute for female TV reporters, but it would look out of place in a law firm/consulting firm/other conservative workplace.

    • Aurora

      I learned about the dress for the first time yesterday (someone else posted about it in the comments) and was fascinated by it. The dress looked great in all the photos, but when I checked it out on the site, I realized it wouldn’t work for me – I actually bought a different dress from that brand for a club night, and a friend told me it bordered on screaming “trying too hard to be s&xy,” so it wouldn’t fly in my office setting. However, the club dress I got was mostly too tight in the back; since meteorologists are mostly filmed from the front I can see why that wouldn’t be as much of a problem for them.

      That said, I love the idea of posting dresses that work and seeing it take off on the internet. It’s pretty cool we live in such an interconnected society where you can see real-time fashion trends in action.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think it’s too $exy, mostly because it’s just not a flattering dress in most of those photos. It’s pulling at the hips and giving a lot of the women a paunchy look. It’s also just kind of an ugly dress even if it fit perfectly. Looks cheap.

      • Wildkitten

        It *is* cheap! It’s $25! One of the interesting things I read said that meteorologists are under pressure to wear different dresses every day, but they also don’t get paid well, so the $25 dress is perfect for their career. It would not work for me, mostly because my body is not a tv-bod.

        • Anonymous

          But it’s at least possible to find dresses for $25 that don’t look very visibly cheap–they just might not look like stunning home runs. I’m sympathetic to having to fund a large wardrobe on a not-large income, I just find it odd that this dress exploded the way it did. I wouldn’t notice it if one caster wore it, but tons of them buying it isn’t really warranted for how eh the dress is.

  11. Anon

    Reposting from yesterday’s holiday party etiquette post: If your holiday party is open to guests, who do you bring, especially if you aren’t paired up? Do you go alone (always fun, I know!), bring a friend, or skip the whole thing all together?

    • CountC

      For an office holiday party, I would go alone. If it’s a party where you will not know many people, I might bring a friend, but that could be awkward if the host only intended you to bring an SO with your +1. Any other holiday party, if I didn’t have an SO, I would go alone and enjoy being able to work the room and meet new people. I like parties, so I wouldn’t skip any of them.

    • Mary

      DEFINITELY alone to a work party. Bringing a friend is a summer associate move, and you want to avoid that. Fun party? Friends are great!

    • Basically trash

      I’m a little old fashioned in that I would only take someone as my +1 if we were in a serious, long term relationship. If I’m single, or only casually dating someone (like I am this year), I go alone and chat with my coworkers for a bit, which is the whole point of the party anyway! Seems to me that +1’s for company parties are intended for SO’s and spouses only, even if it’s not specified.

      Going to a casual party at someone’s house, it’s probably okay to take any ol’ friend so you have someone to talk to, as long as you check with the host, but doing that never really crosses my mind.

    • Wildkitten

      Can you schedule to arrive with an also-single work friend to avoid the awkward first minute when you haven’t found a conversation to join yet?

  12. preganon

    Good morning! I recently found out I was pregnant (kind of a surprise) and I’m waiting to hear back on a job that I interviewed for several months ago. If I’m offered the position, I’m not sure how to handle this – do I tell them? I’d likely ask to start right around the beginning of the 2nd trimester… Would definitely appreciate any thoughts/advice, as this is really stressing me out! Thanks!

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Get thee to the Ask a Manager archives – she’s covered this issue a number of times, really well. I’m pretty sure the general answer would be don’t bring it up until you’re accepting the offer, but I know she’s offered more detailed guidance that would probably be helpful for you.

    • anne-on

      I wouldn’t bring it up until you accept the offer, but be aware that you then might not cover for paid leave, or insurance right away. By switching jobs when I was pregnant I would have lost out on at least 3 months of paid leave (instead of just 8 weeks of FML I would have gotten).

      • Blonde Lawyer

        And depending on your state, you might not qualify for job protection/FMLA. Federal FMLA (redundant, I know) kicks in after you have been at an employer one year. Some states (like mine) require job protection for all pregnancy leaves, no matter how little time you have been at your employer. Also check your state laws on number of required employees. My state is low (5 or 10) but federally it is 50.

  14. Paging ShoppingChallenged from yesterday

    re: your hair – Gibson tuck! look up the “cup of jo” blog and her Gibson tuck tutorial. I promise it is CRAZY easy! You may have to do it a couple times for practice, but when you do, it is lovely, elegant, off your neck and secure.

  15. insurance issues

    I’m so frustrated and disappointed. I just found out that after 20+ years, my company is switching insurance providers because of a huge increase in costs. My beloved therapist is no longer in-network, meaning that instead of a $10 co-pay for a visit, I’ll have to pay full price out of pocket every time I go ($150+). While I can technically afford it, but it’s obviously a huge increase.

    Has this happened to any of you, and do you have any advice? Were you able to work anything out with your doctor?

    • CountC

      I’ve been able to work out a reduced cash payment amount with certain therapists, but only the ones that were not in major metropolitan areas (Central PA vs. DC). It’s worth asking!

    • Dr. Susie

      Yes, this definitely happens…. especially with therapists. It actually upsets me a lot how many specialists are tightening their networks to maximize their profits. Common in psychiatry.

      But a good psychiatrist/therapist is gold, so I would do everything you can to stay with this one.

      So there isn’t just a higher co-pay of co-insurance for using an out of network provider? Your only choice for a new insurance plan is a strict HMO? That is not typical, so do a little more research in case switching to your employer’s (more expensive….) PPO plan (with a wider network, or higher co-pays for out of network) is possible now.

      Next, if your employer has a strict HMO only health plan so this is your only option, talk to their benefits folks. Employer sponsored health plans often have a conflict/appeals route, and they can sometimes allow exceptions. You can argue that you are losing a valuable and long term doctor that has been critical to your treatment and is difficult to replace because of your history, and want to appeal for coverage as in network. It is always worth asking. If needed, write a letter, or even ask the doctor to write a brief letter of support.

      Finally, ask the doctor for a discounted rate since you will be paying out of pocket. Many docs will give you a discount, and some therapists even have a sliding scale based on income.

    • NYNY

      Everything Dr. Susie said.

      Also, if you have the option for an FSA or HSA, try to estimate what your out of pocket will be for therapy and use pre-tax dollars.

  16. another baby shower Q

    I received a save the date for a baby shower for a couple that I have not talked to or seen in over a year. They are people who are friends of friends that I would occasionally see at someone’s party, but we have never done anything separately from a larger group. I didn’t even know they were expecting.

    I don’t plan on going, but I guess I have to send a gift, right? Still, it feels weird. We aren’t friends.

    • AnonInfinity

      I never send a gift unless I want to. Friends? Gift. Family members? Gift. Friends of friends. Gift only if I really really really like them and would attend the actual shower if I didn’t have plans/it was too far away/etc.

      So in this case, I would not send a gift in your shoes. Just because you’re invited doesn’t mean you have to. That’s incredibly rude of the potential giftee.

    • Anon

      If you don’t go there is no reason you need to send a gift, particularly for a random acquaintance (I would for a close friend).

  17. Anon

    Thoughts on single women in their late 30s bringing a (female) friend as their plus-one for weddings? I had a very heated debate with a friend about this. I think it’s totally inappropriate and she says it’s the only way she would attend the wedding. I say suck it up and go alone, but she says a guest is a guest, and if everyone else can bring an SO, she can bring a friend.

    What say you?

    • odd

      I would never do this to a wedding. While I do agree that it kind of stinks to be a single at a wedding when others can bring SO/spouses (even if those SO do not have close relationships with the bride/groom), it is just weird and odd to me to bring a friend and stranger who is not someone the bride/groom would invite.

      But I also don’t understand why SO/spouses should often get invites when they aren’t close with the bride/groom either! But I digress.

      I just don’t understand why grown ups can’t suck it up for a couple hours, and support a friend’s marriage without a social crutch. Weddings are so crazy expensive….

      • Anonymous

        If you are invited with a plus one, you can absolutely bring one. I don’t think single guests must recieve a plus one but if they do they get to use it! Sheesh.

    • Anonymous

      Are you insane? That’s absurd. You can bring anyone you want as a plus one. It’s not required that person have bangable potential!

    • Care

      I think it depends on how many other people she will know at the wedding. If she has a bunch of friends in attendance, she doesn’t need an additional friend to keep her company. If she doesn’t know anyone, then it would make sense to want someone.
      For my wedding, I reached out to a single friend who didn’t know anyone else attending and told her to absolutely bring a guest (friend or date) to make sure she had someone to have fun with. I was a little annoyed with another woman who brought her sister instead of her spouse because she had several single friends in attendance and I didn’t feel like she needed her sister for company but that her sister just wanted to come. I didn’t say anything and wouldn’t have cared enough to make a big deal out of it (I don’t think I even thought about it day of), but I thought it was a little tacky.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s very weird, but then I’m generally against plus ones in general unless the person is in a relationship. If a friend is dating someone, I want to include that person, because I know that attending an event without your SO stinks, and I don’t want the SO to feel left out. But I don’t really see why someone needs to bring a date or a friend to get through my wedding. Talk to the other guests, you don’t need to huddle in the corner with your own friend. With a date, at least there’s an argument that this will help make the single guest feel less left out during slow songs and other romantic moments, but that doesn’t apply at all to a platonic friend.

      When I got married (more than 5 years ago), a single friend who was invited without a plus one wrote on the reply card that she was bringing a female friend (who I knew casually but had not invited to the wedding). It was very awkward but I told her “no, you can’t bring this person.”

      • Anonymous

        Yiiiiiikes, I don’t even know where to start with this.

        “I know that attending an event without your SO stinks”

        If someone just can’t poooooooooosibly make it through an event without their SO and their SO will feel left out not going to every single thing with them, they both need therapy for their codependency issues.

        “But I don’t really see why someone needs to bring a date or a friend to get through my wedding.”

        And this contradicts what you just said above. Single people should be expected to stare at their split ends alone but coupled people shouldn’t ever be expected to detach for a few hours? And since we all know those desperately clingy couples won’t actually talk to anyone but each other, who exactly is the single person who isn’t allowed to bring a date supposed to talk to?

        You are the definition of smug married.

        • Anonymous

          I phrased it badly perhaps, but what I meant was “not having your SO invited (because you’re not engaged or married) stinks.” I think it’s hurtful when you’re dating someone you care about and they are left off a wedding invitation, and also hurtful to the SO because the couple is saying “we know you exist, but we don’t think your relationship is valid enough to get an invite.” Someone who is single may want to bring a date, but there is no person that is specifically being excluded.

          A lot of my friends only did plus one if the person was married/engaged, which I think is way more “smug married” because it says the relationship (no matter how long or how serious) is not valid unless it is legal or soon-to-be legal.

          • Basically trash

            I get where you’re coming from, if someone has someone special in their life, even if they aren’t married to them yet, they should be able to attend the wedding with that person and share the experience with them. Seems like that’s (traditionally) the idea behind the +1.

          • Anonymous

            I see what you’re saying and agree. I just think that when you’re already single and heading into the couples convention that is a wedding, it sort of adds insult to injury to be told “your non romantic relationship isn’t important enough for us, try harder at that whole dating thing if you want to be comfortable at our party”…not saying that’s what you’re saying, but it can feel like that when people take the hardline stance of no non-SOs ever.

    • TBK

      I will never understand the notion that weddings should have guests of guests. I don’t get it. Never will. I get inviting married/co-habitating/engaged/seriously long-term couples. But a wedding is not a prom. Why do you need a date? I just find it boggling.

      • Anonymous

        Because spending 10 Saturday nights a summer making awkward small talk with married couple acquaintances and dancing alone while spending thousands of dollars for the privilege blows?

        I don’t think you have to give your single guests a plus one but it boggles my mind how you could not even understand that it might be appreciated.

        • TBK

          I’ve been to all but two weddings single. I would have felt very weird bringing a date who didn’t know anyone.

          • EZ

            It works best when the date you bring is the sort of personality who is very outgoing and can go up and talk to anyone. I’ve brought a platonic friend to weddings before where he didn’t know anyone, and by the end of the wedding my friends were requesting him as a guest at future weddings because he’s just fun and brings out my more relaxed side as well.

            I don’t think it works as well to bring the sort of person who needs handholding all night, unless you know for sure that there isn’t going to be anyone for you (the original invitee) to talk to anyway so you’re not really going to be separate from your guest much anyway.

            And I agree with Anon that spending tons of money and giving up all of your weekends to stare at your plate while all the couples feed each other cake at your table is pretty miserable, but tbh that’s why I’ve largely stopped going to weddings unless it is for my innermost circle (5-6 people). I know their day won’t hinge on whether I’m there and they’d never make the same commitment to attend my wedding, so it’s not worth the stress. I send them well wishes and move on.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve never understood it either and would never want to bring a guy who’s not a BF with me to a wedding. If he’s just a friend I wouldn’t want him thinking I’m trying to move our relationship into romantic territory (and wouldn’t want to endure the inevitable grilling from friends and family about whether we’re really “just friends”). If he’s a guy I’m in the earlier stages of dating with, I wouldn’t want to introduce him to so many important people in my life before we’ve had any kind of talk about our relationship. I can maybe see bringing a guy I’m dating casually to a wedding of an acquaintance where I don’t really know anyone but definitely not for a family/good friend/co-worker wedding. I’ve also gone to a lot of weddings solo & had a great time (and once ended up dating a guy I met at a wedding!)

    • Sydney Bristow

      I never liked going to weddings solo so when we got married my one requirement was that everyone got a plus one. Several female friends brought other female friends. I was perfectly happy with that.

    • MNF

      I don’t think it’s inappropriate. I wouldn’t do it myself, but if you’re extending the invitation to bring a guest, then you can’t be mad that she’s bringing a guest. Also, before you give side-eye to same-sex plus ones, consider that the wedding guest may be not fully out of the closet and that’s why she’s bringing a ‘friend’.

    • Anon

      Funny you bring this up. My very best friend brings a friend to weddings. Recently she was in a wedding in the DR and brought a friend with her. The bride was pissed and said the friend wasn’t invited and it ended up being a huge deal. My friend and the bride no longer talk. My friend’s stance was exactly as you stated. She said she also gives a larger monetary gift to compensate for the friend. I told my friend that honestly I thought it was a little weird but that I wouldn’t necessarily get “mad” at her, I would just think she’s weird ;).

      I’ve never been in that position though, so I guess I shouldn’t judge. My husband ans I have been together for 8 years (through many a weddings) and have always attended together. I can see how it might be uncomfortable or not as fun to attend a wedding by yourself if you don’t know the other guests.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      There was just a debate about this on Ask A Manager but it was about office holiday parties that come w/ a plus one. Many specify employee and significant other. Someone wrote in to ask, if I’m single, can I just bring someone? The response was basically that etiquette requires couples to be invited together as they are a social unit of one but that doesn’t mean everyone gets to bring a friend. A +1 is a little different though because it suggests “bring whoever!” If the bride and groom only wanted to invite “social units” they would have only extended plus ones to those individuals instead of everyone.

      In my past though, I thought a guest was a guest, the slot was reserved, didn’t matter who came. I was attending a wedding without my husband and was going to bring the friend with whom I was staying who was also driving me to and from the wedding an hour from his house. The groom informed me that while I could bring my husband, I couldn’t bring this other friend his soon to be wife wasn’t comfortable with it. This was also in part about their beliefs of what married people should and shouldn’t be doing. Traveling without a spouse and staying with another man, the horrors.

      But it made me realize the error of my ways and I was glad I had asked. My husband’s work schedule ended up changing and in the long run he attended and it was great.

    • Anona

      Of course bring a friend. The point is for your guest to be able to enjoy herself, and if you’re going single to a wedding where you don’t really know anyone or everyone you know is in the wedding party and is busy, it’s really, really boring. Why does it matter if she has is romantically entangled with her guest or not? I’ve gone to lots of weddings single, but some I left early and other weddings I definitely would not have gone to if I hadn’t been able to bring a guest.

    • bridget

      Easy: look at the invitation.

      Just your name: no guest.
      Your name “and guest”: bring whomever you want.
      Your name + SO’s name: you may bring your SO, but if your SO is not available, go alone.

      I mean, the couple throwing the party gets to determine the guest list, and you just follow the rules.

      • bridget

        (And I say this as someone who has been to about a dozen weddings without a plus-one, where the only people I knew were the bride or groom. It got tiring after a while, but so not the end of the world.

      • Scarlett

        I would clarify that your name & SO’s name doesn’t mean you can’t swap someone else in if SO is unavailable or no longer is significant. I’ve always sent invites to friends with their SO’s name because it feels weird to say “and guest” where I know perfectly well what their SO’s name is. But people break up and I wouldn’t want my friend to feel like they couldn’t bring a guest. (But I’m firmly in the “I want my guests to have fun and if that means bringing a friend not a romantic partner, that is a-okay with me” camp)

        • cbackson

          My perspective would be that the guest has to ask in that situation (since the invitation was specifically extended to the SO by name), but that the bride/groom should always graciously and enthusiastically say, “Of course you’re welcome to bring someone else! Just make sure you send us the name and entree choice before XX so we don’t run out of slightly rubbery chicken!”

        • lawsuited

          No. I had a small wedding so the guiding principle for DH and I was only inviting people that we both knew. We invited SOsthat we knew (which was all the SOs, seeing as we only invited close friends) by name, and did not mean it as a stand-in for “and guest”.This is a situation where, if your SO can’t make it and you want to bring a different person instead who was no invited, you need to check first.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      Do what you want. A guest is a guest. If I was the bride, I would want my guests to enjoy themselves. As a guest, as long as you give an appropriate gift, it’s all fine.

    • Basically trash

      I get that a +1 usually doesn’t have any hard-and-fast restrictions, and technically you’re allowed to bring whoever you want, but I was raised to believe that taking someone to a wedding as your guest, even if you don’t call them a date, is still a big deal and you should only take someone if you’re serious about them. So personally no, I wouldn’t do it, and tangentially speaking, if I was involved a guy who went to a wedding with someone else (took her as his date or went as hers), I’d feel very weird about the situation.

      That said, I’ve gotten into discussions about this before and people explained to me that some people take friends to weddings because they only knew the bride and/or groom and wanted someone to talk to during the event. Apparently, it’s common for weddings to be full of couples that keep to themselves, so if I was single at an event like that I might feel isolated. That makes sense, I guess, so I wouldn’t judge people for doing it, but even then, I’d feel weird taking a female friend to a wedding, or even inviting her to go with me. If I don’t have a serious boyfriend to take with me, I go stag.

    • cbackson

      It’s not inappropriate. If you are invited with a guest, it’s up to you who that guest is. If you’re not invited with a guest, you go alone. Hosts take the risk in extending the generic “and guest” that you might bring your best friend, your boyfriend, or the guy you met on Match last weekend.

  18. Anonymous

    This morning on my walk to work, some driver gave me the finger as a I crossed the street. I had the cross signal in my favor, and it’s 0 today, so I was already cold, as he almost hit me, and gave me the finger, sitting inside his range rover, probably with heated seats.

    It was really upsetting and I just don’t understand why other people feel the need to be jerks. Totally puts a damper on my day

    • Monday

      That really $ucks, and I would probably have the same reaction. However, know that he’s almost certainly having a worse day than you are. No one with that much anger in a moment like that, lacking any justification at all, is a happy camper.

    • Dr. Susie

      What a loser. Think of how messed up his mind must be that he thought this was an appropriate thing to do?

      I am so glad he didn’t hit you. Actually, this is a good day for you and you don’t even realize it. Thank goodness he didn’t hit you….

      Today will be over soon. Take yourself out at lunch time for a quick treat if you can (even if it is just to grab a coffee).

      Have a great long weekend!

    • DisenchantedinDC

      People are such jerks. I don’t think I’ve ever flipped anybody off while driving because it has literally never seemed worth the energy. I have almost gotten hit in the crosswalk by my new apartment TWICE, once while the car in the closest lane was stopped and waiting for me to go! It is just a bad spot and I look before I cross but people come flying way faster than they should given the urban location.

      Maybe he was having a shitty day, or at least I like to think, wasn’t just being a d!ck.

      There are good people out there too. This is totally a situation where I’d watch some feel-good videos for a bit and try and up my mood. Have you seen the video of the French bulldog trying to roll over?

    • CountC

      I too am glad he didn’t hit you! I admit that as a pedestrian, in that same situation, I generally am the one throwing the bird. I will also admit that action is 100% about me and my inability at that particular moment to control my anger. What that jerk did is about him, not you, but I am guessing you already know that. Whatever is up his butt is worse than what you have going on, NOT that it makes his actions excusable. I have no good explanation about why people can be jerks even though I have thrown up the bird at people who have almost hit me.

    • Basically trash

      You have my sympathies. Not sure where you are, but driver behavior in Boston has been worse than usual these last couple of days! Don’t get me started on both my commutes yesterday . . . I think a lot of people are stressed with the upcoming holiday, or maybe the cold is making people cranky? Who knows, but it seems like everyone is angry.

      I agree with Monday, a guy like that is probably having a bad day (or a bad month . . .) but he needs to learn to control his anger, he doesn’t get to take it out on random people, especially pedestrians! It would’ve been one thing if you were jaywalking, but you unquestionably had the right of way, so there was really no need for him to act like that.

      • Rochelle

        You must be careful if you do this, as many would interpret your bringing another woman as making a statement as to your own seuality (not that there’s anything wrong with that mind you). The only way you should bring any “friend ” to a +1 wedding guest is if you are intimate with that person. The cost of weddings simply do not permit bringing along casual friends you are not romantically involved, just because there’s a free meal involved. If your friend is involved in a relationship with this other woman, fine, but if not, let her stay home and get a free meal at a soup kitchen, if that what’s she’s after.

        • Anonymous

          Uh…. What? I brought a gay male friend as my date to my dad’s wedding. I have friends that abstained until marriage.

          A +1 is a +1. An invitation intended only for a parter will have that person’s specific name. Aka, “Ms. Disenchanted and Mr. Disenchanted’sBoyfriend”

  19. Denver

    I’m getting divorced. I have a 3 year old daughter. It’s my decision, but he’s going along with it. We have our final orders hearing on Monday. I’m thankful for my health and safety and job and daughter and friends… but also feeling very heartbroken this Thanksgiving. Just looking for internet hugs. Please and thank you.

    • Dr. Susie

      Oh, sweetheart….

      (((((((( hugs )))))))))

      Thank you for doing what is best for you, and your daughter.

    • DisenchantedinDC

      I’m sorry to hear this. My parents divorced once I was an adult, and it was very rough. I am sure you wouldn’t be doing this if this wasn’t the best thing for everybody, especially you and your daughter.

      Lots of hugs.

    • anonymous

      My parents divorced when I was about your daughter’s age. It was a little bit rough at the time, but my life ended up being so much better than it would have otherwise been, and I admire my father for knowing when to call it quits and build a life on his own. Having heard him talk about it a lot, I know it was very difficult and I bet your daughter will come to appreciate your strength. You can do this.

      • Brit

        Agree – hugs to you! There’s so much strength in what you’re doing for your family.

    • Aurora

      Hugs hugs hugs! I know it’s hard, but you’ll get through it, and in the meantime, kudos to you for maintaining a positive, grateful attitude on the other things in your life. Don’t forget to practice self care – take a bath, get a pedicure, do something enjoyable just by yourself or with your daughter. You deserve it.

    • Senior Attorney

      BIG HUGS!!! Divorce stinks even if it’s the right decision, and the first round of holidays is the worst!

      This time next year things will be SO MUCH BETTER!!! Until then, hug your daughter, be kind to yourself, and remember you are awesome!

      • Denver

        Thank you all :) I know you’re all right… just needed the affirmation today. Much appreciated. Happy Thanksgiving :)

    • MU JD

      It may not feel this way now, but eventually, on the other side, you will feel so much better. Hug your daughter and be kind to yourself.

  20. TBK

    My au pair needs a pair of winter boots. She gets cold easily and wants to be able to play in the snow this winter with the kids. But since this is the only winter she’ll need them (she’s from a warm country) she wants to spend as little as possible. However, she’s also 23 and I suspect she’d prefer something a little bit stylish if possible. Any suggestions? She sent me a link to a pair by US Polo Association on Amazon that were only $23. The reviewers all seemed to have just received the boots and never worn them outdoors (how is that a useful review? how?) and the few who had actually worn them said they weren’t very warm or waterproof. Any brands she should be thinking about?

    • Runner 5

      I would respectfully suggest that as this is kit she only needs because she’s au pairing for you you should be buying them for her. Chances are future au pairs will be a similar size. TJ Maxx.

      • TBK

        Unlikely. She’s tiny. We’ve bought her other cold weather gear and given her money toward cold weather stuff generally.

    • Basically trash

      I got a great pair of snowboots from Costco last year! I think they were around $30-40, very warm and comfy with some cute faux fur trim! If you’re a member of either of those places, check out their selection, or see if someone’s selling Kirkland winter boots on Amazon.

      • Angela

        I really detest Bogs, they are so heavy to walk in. If the nanny is tiny she may find them difficult for running after kids

    • Anon

      I have Bearpaw boots that I have taken skiing and they held up well. I usually do a coat of waterproof coating each season, although they are supposed to be water resistant as is.

    • Snickety

      If she has size 6 or smaller feet, check out kids’ boots. Prices are generally a lot lower in similar styles. A size 5 kids size is about a 6.5 women’s size.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I got a reasonably cute-ish pair of Totes-brand snowboots from Kohl’s for around $40-ish, and they proved to be 100% waterproof and very warm and comfy during the week I just spent in Iceland, so I’d say that’s a good bargain brand for what you’re looking for.

  21. CPA Lady

    (Also posted on the moms s*te)

    Did anyone here have a parent who worked nights? My husband has been working nights for about 4 years. It was always difficult, but now with a kid it feels so much harder. Because of our schedules, my daughter and I go 4 days of the week without seeing him at all, and then only see him for a few hours the other days because he doesn’t wake up until around 1:30-2:00 in the afternoon.

    We got into a big blowup argument last weekend about how he doesn’t feel like he’s part of the family (the argument part came about when he blamed me for that, rather than blaming his job). It’s totally understandable that he doesn’t feel part of the family. I do 95% of the parenting and the vast majority of decision making. The long term solution is clearly that he needs to get a day job, but in the short term, do any of you have any suggestions about how to make him feel “part of the family”? I think we’re going to go to the zoo this weekend.

    This is just so so hard and I don’t know anyone who deals with anything similar. Help me, hive.

    • Wildkitten

      1. That is really hard. Like, really really hard.

      2. What time does he get home? What time do you get up? Where does your kid go? Can you figure out an overlap – like he comes home at 5 am and y’all wake up early and have a family breakfast? That’s how I’ve heard people make it work, even temporarily.

    • Anonymous

      my husband grew up with his mom working nights. they had a good set up, but they were strapped for cash, so did less as a family (like going to the zoo, out to eat, etc.) they were also school aged when she went back to work overnights.

      she would come home after the kids went to school, cook dinner and eat dinner with the kids (and her husband when he was home) and Dad would be on breakfast duty with the kids and getting them out the door in the morning.

      I don’t have kids, but my partner works overnights now. It’s hard because we don’t automatically see each other as we used to. We both try to be a bit more intentional about being together when we can.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Typically, we all have one shift away from home (working/school/daycare), one shift at home, and one shift sleeping. Is there a reason he can’t align his sleep shift with your at home shift? He should have two shifts to chose from for sleeping.

      So, if he works third, he can sleep 1st (when you guys are away from home) and be around with you for 2nd.

      I’m guessing the issue is that he works 2nd shift. In that case, can he sleep third shift instead of first shift so that (1) you get to sleep together and (2) on the weekends when you are home first shift he can join in those activities?

    • Anonymous

      My husband regularly works nights and my dad traveled for work when I was growing up, so I have some insight into these issues.

      Here are some things that make a difference:

      1. Can he Skype the kids at bed time? I have a friend who reads his kids a bed time story over Skype as part of their routine. Obviously this depends on his line of work, but could help with the daily routine.

      2. Scheduling your weekends ahead of time. Ask him to plan a family oriented activity every weekend (doesn’t have to be the zoo, could be cooking dinner together, going to the park, playing a board game, etc.). This can feel draining, but he will be able to reliably count on it and feel involved with the decision making.

      3. Agree with figuring out the overlap. My husband and I frequently go out for breakfast when he gets home from work and before I go to work.

      4. Involve him in the long-term decision making. Yes, you will make most of the day-to-day decisions. But set up 20-30 minutes a week where you talk about longer term plans (holiday plans, vacations, activities for kids, etc.) so he feels he has a voice.

      5. If you want to involve him in daily stuff, that’s what phones are for. I email my husband questions/thoughts during the day while he’s sleeping. When he gets up, he takes a quick look and responds. He does the same thing overnight and I respond when I get up in the morning.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      What are his actual hours? H and I have lots of family in shift-type work with overnights (nurses, firefighters, police officers, etc.), and even the folks on 12 hour shifts are home at either dinner time or breakfast time, so they focus on making sure there’s a family meal (or at least a overnight-worker-and-kid-meal, if it’s not practical for day-shift-working parent to be around for the meal) every day. On their days off, frankly, they suck it up and join the world on a “normal” schedule, so they don’t sleep through kid and family stuff.

      Also, why is he not involved in decisions? I’m not really seeing how “husband is at work at night and asleep during a chunk of the day” translates to “therefore I make 95% of the parenting decisions” – unless he’s 100% inaccessible at work and is sleeping 12-14 hours a day, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to agree on windows of time during the day/night when you can touch base with each other to sort stuff out.

      • CPA Lady

        With commute and whatnot, he leaves the house around 5 pm and returns around 5 am. He then goes directly to bed. So he’s typically gone by the time I get home from work and asleep by the time I wake up. I like the idea of asking him if he’d stay up later in the morning and then sleep later in the afternoon. Then we’d at least get to see him more regularly. And also the idea about asking him to plan a weekend activity… that’s good. It would be both him getting to make a decision, and him being more involved.

        He’s not involved in decisions because a lot of decisions (the kid is sick, do I get a sitter? which sitter? do I take time off work? who takes her to the doctor?) have to be made quickly and he is either asleep when daytime things happen or when he’s at work there is often little to no cell reception in the facility. Pairing that with my more flexible work environment and type-a tendency to just “handle it”… I can understand his frustration, but sometimes it just makes more sense for me to do it.

        I think maybe we just need to be very intentional about communicating on a daily basis. It’s just not ever been part of our common life (how is it possible to be married for nearly a decade and never have worked the same hours??? I keep thinking its going to stop someday, but it hasn’t), but obviously now that we have a kid its much more important.

  22. Samantha

    Reposting from a few weeks ago.
    I’m still looking for the most comfortable gold sandal in the world. I’d like a low heel, cushiony sole and for it to look not too frumpy at the same time. Any suggestions?

  23. Anonymous

    Sending a birth announcement for a 10-month old baby: Awkward or better late than never?

    I never sent out birth announcements for my third child, for no reason other than being too busy. I sent them for the other two kids. I’m thinking of including them in the christmas card envelopes. About ~80% of the list has already seen FB photos for the last 10 months. (I have no interest in filtering who is and isn’t on FB – I’d send to all or nothing).

    • Senior Attorney

      Why not? I, for one, would be happy to receive such an announcement even if I’d seen photos on FB.

      • Senior Attorney

        Or you could sign your Christmas cards (which will presumably have a photo of at least the kids), “Love, Anonymous, Mr. Anonymous, Kid 1, Kid 2, and Kid 3 (born January 26, 2015, 20 inches long, 8 lbs 4 oz).”

    • OP

      PS – I know I don’t *have* to send an announcement. I *want* to send an announcement.

    • SC

      I’d do it. I once received a card with several pictures and a caption of “Baby has enjoyed his first 6 months.” Apparently, after she ordered the cards, it took a while to send them, so the “6” was crossed out, and she wrote a “9.” I enjoyed the card on my refrigerator for several months and appreciated the effort and the honesty because it’s really hard to get your s**t together when you have a baby.

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