This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Reader A recommends this lovely silk blouse by Diane von Furstenberg, noting that “this top is great for work/with jeans. It's a non-wrap DvF top in silk jersey. Tends to gape a bit on my curvy self even though I sized up – which I do in DvF – but very sleek all the same. Can slip on over head due to stretchy jersey so sewing the placket may be an option for curvy ladies. Tag says ‘dry clean' but I always handwash DvF stuff.” It looks like a great classic, and is a nice change from all of the horizontal stripes I'm seeing for spring (and far more flattering). It's $245 at dvf.com. Fatima Top in Ropes
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail editor@corporette.com with “TPS” in the subject line.
(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Cubicle Chic
Very sleek! I love the horizontal stripes and waist tie. Looks to be quite flattering. (Yay DVF!)
– Meredith
Judith Rasband | The Image Expert
The horizontal stripes are a design detail that will make us look very active and alive in the office.
anonish
Just wanted to report on a pair of red patent kitten heels I bought from Talbots last week which arrived today. I bought them in my size in wide and while they look to be good enough construction, they just didn’t work on my feet and the leather pinched and dug in my foot. For anyone who doesn’t like “toe cleavage” it was almost 3/4 of an inch of it too. In case anyone else was looking at them, they were these: http://tinyurl.com/4sqq435
L
I love this!
AIMS
Second!
Love non-boring silk blouses!!
Prop-er
Looks great! I always love DVF stuff… being a newly minted worker doesn’t really give me that much of a budget to buy nicer clothes but DVF is at the top of my list for splurges. Nordstrom.com actually puts a lot of their stuff on sale quite frequently.
cbackson
If you have a Loehman’s near you, they often carry DVF at awesome prices.
Ru
I wonder if the top is tailored/tapered without the waist tie. It looks like it could be very versatile if it were.
AN
Ru: yes, it is. I wear it sans belt. Fitted but not tight.
chix pix
This looks like the kind of top I wold find at my local Marshall’s – for quite a low price.
Lawgirl
Yah, love it, but will wait for a more affordable version ;-) Cheap, cheap!
Cat
Quick recommendation for another blog — no affiliation, just recently discovered and enjoying: mrsblandings(dot)blogspot(d0t)com. (Maybe this is well known… but it wasn’t to me!) It is predictably (from the name) focused on design / home life, but I am really liking the author’s tone and sense of humor.
Jay
Threadjack: I’m in my second trimester and I haven’t yet bought a maternity suit (and was hoping to avoid having to do so). I just found out I’m attending a hearing tomorrow (I won’t be arguing, just taking notes). Can I wear black maternity pants and a pre-pregnancy black jacket unbuttoned (blacks the same)? The shirt I’m planning to wear is long and would come below the jacket–I’m obviously not tucking into maternity pants! Please say yes or I have some emergency shopping to do tonight…..
543
Fine. You’re preggers, it’s fine. Anyone who judges you for not owning a maternity suit is ridic in my opinion.
Disappointed Shopper
I think it depends on what court you will going before (state, federal, admin…) I think if its your local district court it should be ok if you wear a nice top with the jacket. The top probably should look like a “suit” top and not something too casual. I’ve never really looked at maternity pants closely, but if they’re the same material as regular slacks/suit pants then you should be fine. I say go with your outfit… Buying a maternity suit would be rather expensive, especially if you don’t go to court often.
EC MD
As long as you are visibly pregnant, I think this will be fine. People cut pregnant women slack in this department, and I think most people will see black pants and black jacket and it will read suit to them, even if it’s not technically.
Jay
Thanks ladies! I tried the outfit on this morning and my husband thought it looked fine, but what does he know. :) The top I’m planning to wear is one that I have worn under a suit many times, but tucked in. I am finally past the “is she fat or pregnant?” stage and am definitely looking pregnant.
Preggo Angie
I’m seriously going into the maternity clothes business. I’ve been using a $300 Pea in the Pod suit that is unlined in the legs, cheap material, and is just borderline “shiny.”
Also, I love this shirt, and look forward to the day I can wear nice clothes again… T minus 30 days…
Midori
I know, right! Ugh, I hate maternity clothes so much! Beyond a couple pairs of pants and a pair of jeans, I was able to make non-maternity items go pretty far even right up to the end. But boy it was nice to wear normal clothes again. Hang in there, Preggo Angie!
Midori
That was pretty much my uniform all the way to delivery day. I even did cardigans sometimes instead of jackets. Even arguing. I argued a motion the morning my son was born wearing maternity pants, a long top, and a cardigan.
Midori
Oh, and the belly band. I did a settlement conference with a federal judge wearing one of my looser suits (forgiving in the hips), a nice maternity top, and a belly band. This was at about 7-8 months. I did a few federal court appearances in dresses and maternity tights, too. No one is going to ding you for not buying a maternity suit.
Elissa
Oh, I am feeling your pain ladies. My healthy 3-mo old daughter has caused me much wardrobe consternation.
My very first maternity purchase was a black maternity suit jacket (Formes) brand, from Ebay that had never been worn. The best thing about this jacket is that to adjust the belly fit, you move an internal button/buttonhole — so NO bowtie. It’s also got a lovely purple lining Anyway, I am usually a size 10 medium, and it fit me nicely all the way to the end. I donated all of my other stuff to friends/goodwill/sister, but I held on to this one piece. If you want it, send me an e-mail (one thinking babe AT yahoo dot com no spaces) …for say $40, I would send it to you..if you really want and need it.
I wore this jacket over skirts, black maternity pants, and dresses. I really wanted to buy the Formes brand stuff new, but could not figure out how to do so. (the online site wasn’t operable).
IA_Eng
Like the concept in theory but this strikes me as a bit too referee-esque. Also for $245 it would be annoying to have something gape.
Judith Rasband | The Image Expert
Definitely, gaping buttons is a concern with button-down shirts like this. It always helps to try them on to avoid distracting pulling buttons.
ceb
Anyone else having problems with Mint.com? Any suggested alternatives?
Based on Corporette’s recommendation a while back, I started using Mint.com and LOVED it for the first year. Then the problems started.
Now almost every transaction I have shows up in duplicate, and isn’t removed even if I flag it as a duplicate transaction! The whole point of Mint.com was to make finances and budgeting easy, but now it is just a hassle.
Customer service hasn’t been very helpful, just the usual, “We are aware that this is a problem for many of our users, but we don’t have a solution at this time, blah, blah, blah.”
Rant over, moving on. Any suggestions on a similar finance/budgeting website?
K
@ceb: Interesting. I haven’t been using Mint for long (~1 month), but Mint has problems accessing some of my accounts, even though it has all the correct info, etc. The newest version of Quicken has the download feature for the bank entries, and I know you can link your other accts to it (like Mint), but I don’t know whether it downloads that info automatically.
I’m also interested in hearing other people’s suggestions.
meg
I bank with Bank of America and they have something similar to Mint – called my Portfolio – I haven’t used mint, so I can’t speak to specific comparisons, but the BofA thing lets you load in multiple accounts, see transactions by type, do budgeting, etc. all your BofA accounts load automatically, of course, which is one step done.
coco
I had an issue with it not accessing one of my accounts recently that lasted a few weeks. I agree that they seem to have more problems lately, but as of now, I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt and see if it gets better.
Lola
Could it be because a lot of people have made a New Years Resolution to stick to a budget, and the new users are overwhelming it?
ceb
My issues date back to November, and the “help boards” are filled with people in the same boat. I think the problem is that Mint.com was bought-out a few months back and they have tinkered with it ever since.
eaopm3
Threadjack ~
I have been given the green light to buy a new office chair on my firm’s dime. I have no idea where to begin. My budget is $400 – $500. I have long legs and crappy posture. My current chair is an ancient leather high back chair that is stuff with… what appears to be some sort of fuzzy white fluff, from what I can see leaking out of the arms. I do not like it all that much, because I end up having to curl one of my legs underneath me in order to sit comfortably.
Unfortunately, I do not have access to a wide variety of stores to test-sit any chairs.
Reviews?
Suggestions?
Thanks, ladies!
SL
I have the Zody Haworth (or is it the Haworth Zody?) and really love it. It only comes in one size, but it’s very customizable and once you adjust it for you personally it’s so comfortable. I especially like that you can adjust it so you can lean way back in your chair and stretch your back — you can adjust the tension so it’s easier or harder to do this, depending on your preference. Hard to explain, but at any rate… two thumbs up! I much prefer it to the Aeron chair. I have it in black on black but I think it comes in a few color options.
SF Bay Associate
I have the Herman Miller Aeron at work, and the Herman Miller Mirra (craigslist!) at home. I prefer the Mirra – it is very comfortable, and even more adjustable than the famous Aeron. Still, the Aeron is pretty great too.
Note that the Aeron comes in sizes (A, B, C). Most people need a B, but the petite may enjoy an A (I’m 5’6″ with short legs and narrow shoulders, and sit more comfortably in an A), and the very tall/big use a C (like my 6’3″ linebacker-built coworker). The Mirra is one size fits all, because you can adjust the seat depth and width, and other adjustments the Aeron can’t do.
somewherecold
I have a HermanMiller Celle chair, and it’s good–lots of adjustable parts. I don’t know how much it was, it came with the office. I think it helps to have an ergonomics person (I would guess there is someone at your firm) go through all the adjustable parts with you to fit it to you and show you how to use it properly. I also have a foot wedge thing to rest my feet on, which I think helps with posture.
Also, I have found that leather office chairs make me overheat, so I definitely prefer mesh (which my current chair has).
eaopm3
Thank you for the suggestions! I wish I could get one of the pricier chairs that have been recommended so far, but I would be walking a thin line if the chair was over $500. It seems hard to fine a chair in that range – they are either $150 at Target or $700 +. I will have to keep looking, and asking for advice!
SF Bay Associate
I’m telling you: Craigslist! Businesses (unfortunately) come and go sometimes, and they need to sell off their nice office equipment, including the Herman Miller chairs that they bought for their workers when times were good. I got my gently used Mirra off craigslist for $360, instead of the full priced $1k.
eaopm3
Aaaand you were correct! I found a Haworth Zody chair for $75 that I am going to go sit my tush in after work so I can decide if I like it! If I like it, that will be a serious bargain… for the firm. Lol
somewherecold
It looks like amazon has the Herman Miller Celle for $449 plus free shipping. They have a few other models that other posters mentioned, but those are over $500.
Legally Brunette
One of my best friends just had a break up with her boyfriend of 2 years (he broke up with her). She really wanted to marry him, he was not “ready”, and she kept hoping he would change. Finally, he told her that he was moving to another part of the country and that he was not ready to propose to her.
She’s obviously devastated, and I’m wondering what sort of useful advice I can give her. My biggest fear is that she’s going to feel lonely and will try to get back together with him (which has happened a few times before). I encouraged her to stay really busy, take classes, meet up and reconnect with friends, etc.
What else can I say or do? We don’t live in the same city so it’s not like I can see her every day. I promised to call her often, which I will, and she also plans on making a trip to see me in a few weeks.
Also, are there any books on this subject that anyone can recommend? It seems like I keep hearing about how all of these accomplished women who stay with men who don’t want to commit to them (I think there was even a thread about this a few weeks or months ago).
Any advice?
CW
Ouch, that’s terrible. I think your advice is spot on. Someone said something on here a few days ago that I think rings true: “spend some time dating yourself.” Your friend definitely needs to invest in herself and figure out how to make herself happy (easier said than done).
Having gone through a terrible breakup myself, I’m not sure if there’s anything that can really be said to help your friend through the immediate difficulty. She’ll need time to grieve. I’d say to be patient and let her wallow for a little while, and not push her out of her comfort zone just yet. And following that, if there’s any new or exciting activity that she can look forward to or do, that would probably be a helpful distraction.
I can’t recommend any breakup books, but the people who wrote He’s Just Not That Into You also wrote another book titled It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken. You might want to take a look at that. Good luck!
E
Totally agree about needing time to wallow.
In the meantime, you can be there for her on the phone when she just wants to choke out some sadness, and give her a much-needed change of scene she visits soon. Maybe use that time to swing her out of wallow and into a new activity.
Is she a big reader? I’ve found the best way to blunt times like that is to spend as long as needed rereading comfortable old favourites, children’s books, adventure books, anything that ISN’T all about romance/success/anything I think I’ve failed at. When part of you is living in a book, that’s part of you that isn’t reflecting on how horrible everything is.
Midori
For me, a night playing video games and shooting whiskey with friends dulled the immediate pain. Then it was a process of, as you say, dating myself.
I met and married a wonderful guy less than a year later. In retrospect, it’s easy to see that I would never have been free to meet this guy had the old dead-end relationship not gone up in flames. But of course, that’s impossible to see looking forward. Good for you for being a supportive friend, and best to her.
Hel-lo
I recently went through a breakup last summer. All my friends wanted to set me up with single guys, and there was a temptation to go clubbing and have some fun with random guys and whatnot.
But I think what helped me the most was exactly what the other poster said – spend time dating yourself. I took the time to change some things about me that were unhealthy, like cutting back on my drinking and sweets. I told all my friends I was on a “Man Hiatus,” and rejected every effort at set-ups.
Contrary to the popular saying, it’s not another partner that gets you over someone else. It’s yourself… and time.
Crazy Paralegal
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/
An extremely useful site, with extensive archives. Was instrumental in getting over my divorce to an emotionally unavailable man.
DietCoke1
Poor girl. You sound like a really great friend though! In addition to what you’ve posted here, just listening and acknowledging how much it sucks and how time heals all could help. A friend recommended “He’s just not that into you” for a big breakup of mine a few years ago (before the movie came out), but that is definitely a better read a few weeks after the breakup and not immediately after. And the circumstances were a little different. But good luck. I hope your friend can feel better and move on quickly.
K
What a rough situation – but what a great friend you are being! My mom is a marriage & family therapist, and I know that she often recommends a book called “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” to her clients struggling with breakups. I’ve loaned it to a few friends of mine & they’ve said it really helps.
I went through a big break-up 1.5 years ago (in the same case, it was the person I had thought I was going to marry). However, some things came to light & I ultimately had to end it. Even though it was my call to break up, figuring out how to be ‘single’ again was really rough. What helped me the most was (besides the support of my friends & family) was rediscovering old hobbies, like yoga, ballet, and volunteering. It takes some time to get to that point where you’re willing to branch out again though.
Best of luck to your friend.
jcb
A friend of mine gave that book to me a few years ago after a big breakup, and it was great. Really helpful book.
Amy H.
I was in a similar situation and and the three things that helped the most were:
1. No contact with him. At all. A girlfriend suggested that I be the one to institute a no-contact-at-all policy for three weeks, and for some reason it helped immensely that I was the one to say this — maybe because it was an aspect of re-taking some control?
2. Realizing (finally) what my best friend had been telling me for a month or so (seeing my misery as I was starting to realize he wasn’t as into me as I was into him): Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who has to be persuaded to spend time with me/call me/go away for weekends with me!? Wouldn’t it be far superior an experience to be with someone who adores me?
3. The breakup was the impetus that made me FINALLY call the local university graduate music dept. and ask for a recommendation for a beginning voice teacher. They referred me to someone who was fantastic, and I started singing again in a local group as well. This made me so happy so soon after the breakup that I couldn’t quite believe it. And thirteen years later (!), I am in my tenth season of singing with the San Francisco Symphony — all thanks to those voice lessons! Rediscovering something you used to love (or think you might like) is one of the best ways to refocus on oneself, IMHO. Which often seems to be what’s needed — I know I was pretty far down the path of trying to make myself into the person he would want more when this breakup finally happened. Ugh.
You sound like a great friend, and I suspect you have already said this to her, but she’s going to come out of this with a life that is far, far better than anything she imagined with him.
L
I think you’ve given her lots of great advice already. Depending on the situation, I wonder if it would be helpful for her to get rid of his phone number for a little while? I know way too many people who make calls or send texts they regret in lonely (or alcohol-fueled) moments. Sometimes it’s easier to remove the temptation.
I read this article years ago post-break-up and parts of it have still stuck with me: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Martha-Becks-Guide-to-Learning-From-Love-and-Loss (the article itself is called Lessons Learned) It’s definitely Oprah-y, so if that isn’t you thing (or your friend’s) it’s probably not for her.
L
Oops–the article is called Heartbreak Academy. I told you it was Oprah-y! :)
BB
Having gone through a similar situation when I received an EMAIL from VSB (Very Serious Boyfriend) that he changed his mind about “things” after we started talking marriage, my advice is:
Breathe. If she can do that, she’ll live. For a while I felt like I couldn’t even breathe. I remember it clear as day. Grit your/her teeth to breathe if necessary.
Realize that he isn’t the person she thought he was. Grieve the loss of that make-believe, idealized person, and don’t dwell on the person he is now (a stupid person who obviously has poor judgment). If it helps, imagine that he got hit by a bus and is dead.
And do NOT call or email him. Just don’t. If it’s meant to be, he’ll come back, but she shouldn’t even contemplate seeing him again unless/until she’s actually dated another man (ideally for several weeks or months) and given him a real chance. If she does that, and the new guy doesn’t work out, then she can consider allowing him to come begging back. But hold off on really opening up again for a year. (I later did this with my now-husband, when he said he wasn’t ready. I broke up with him and moved on with a broken heart. Eventually he won me back, but I didn’t make it easy on him at all.)
And don’t go thinking about him possibly coming back. I didn’t. It wasn’t a ploy for me. I thought he was done. I’m just saying if you stay strong (by not calling/emailing) and it’s meant to be, he’ll figure it out soon enough IF he’s lucky.
The key for me was knowing that life was going to go on and it was going to get better. People get over the deaths of loved ones, and I knew I could get over my imaginary one. Now, ten years later, he still keeps trying to get back in touch with me even though he’s aware I am married. His freakin’ loss.
Midori
Getting really angry at him helped. I had this guy on a pedestal, and I needed to see that he wasn’t all I had cracked him up to be.
Legally Brunette
Thanks all for the wonderful recommendations! I really appreciate it. Your advice is spot on.
EMR
Threadjack for personal advice:
My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years, and we frequently talk about getting married, buying a house, etc. We are a great match. The one issue is that I don’t think that I want to have kids, whereas he is pretty sure that he does. We are still pretty young (mid-20s) but I worry that we will get married and maybe 5 or 10 years down the road I still won’t want kids and he still will, and it will be the ruination of our marriage. I’m not dead set against having kids, and I realize my opinion might change, especially in the upcoming years, but I really don’t want to end up wasting many years on this relationship and have it fail, I’d like to nip it in the bud if that is what I have to do. We’ve talked about it and he usually dismisses it and says it isn’t a problem that we have to deal with right now, but I feel like better to deal with it sooner than later?
Thoughts? Advice? Anyone go through a similar situation?
Two cents
You absolutely can’t stay together if you aren’t 100% on the same board about having kids. Having children is an enormous commitment (and joy) and people tend to have very strong views about it one way or the other. It’s very likely that neither of you will change your mind, and it will cause a lot of strife in your relationship later on. If you truly don’t want kids, you’re being unfair staying with him because it is very likely that he thinks in his head that you will ultimately change your mind. You guys need to have a heart to hear about this topic, even if it’s very uncomfortable. Good luck.
Anon for this
I agree completely. This is the exact reason my parents divorced, and my father was completely out of the picture when I was a child.
Anon for this
Realized I should clarify – my mom wanted kids, my dad didn’t. Mom got pregnant, Dad wasn’t happy about it, and so they divorced (while she was pregnant).
Please don’t go into this assuming you’ll change your mind. You might not.
Mac
I agree 100%. This is one of the reasons that my boyfriend and I of 7+ years recently broke up. We had been together since college, at some point (a year or two ago?) he decided that he didn’t want kids, and I thought that since he was the one to change his mind he’d change it back or I could convince him to change it. Instead I found out that he had cheated on me with another woman (a long-distance girlfriend who knew nothing about me) for over a year. Throughout this entire time we (or at least I thought) were a great match, had a great relationship, were discussing marriage, etc. I’m certainly not saying that our issues caused him to cheat, but our unwillingness to resolve that and other issues (just as EMR’s boyfriend seems unwilling) allowed us to continue floating along when we both would have been better off ending the relationship a year or two ago while we were still friends.
Ann
There is no compromise position about having children; either you have them or you don’t. Getting a dog and taking lots of trips are not compensatory experiences. This is definitely something you need to talk about – a lot – before making any kind of commitment. Especially because as the woman/mother, a lot of emotional responsibility and time commitment to parenting will fall to you; that’s just the nature of the beast. Also, having a child puts a tremendous strain on a relationship. During he first five years of a child’s life, couples usually experience the lowest marital satisfaction they will experience throughout their entire marriage. If you don’t have a solid foundation going into having kids, you will have a rough road ahead, and I believe part of a “solid foundation” is understanding and having respect for each other’s beliefs, not making one person compromise to the other’s position.
However, I do want to say this. When my husband and I were talking marriage, we were both on the fence about having kids, but I believed that most likely someday I would want to have them, and he believed he probably would not. As time went on, my desire to have children became stronger and he also started feeling like it was something he wanted to do. People do change as time goes on, and the other part of that is that as your peers experience things, the idea of you experiencing those things becomes more concrete. My husband had never been around babies or small children, and couldn’t conceptualize what it would be like to have a child until some of our friends had children, and he saw more about what their day-to-day life was like. It may be hard for both of you, at your age, to really understand what it is like to live a life as a married couple with children. But that becomes more concrete, and seems more normalized, as you see people around you go through it.
It is absolutely fine and valid to not want to have children, and believe me, there are many men out there who don’t want kids and would be happy to find a partner who also felt that way. However, how you feel right now may not be how you feel in 5 or 10 years. I am also not going to discount the role of biology in this – at 24, I didn’t want kids but at 29 I felt the tick of the biological clock – and was frankly appalled that something so illogical and un-cerebral would happen to me – but it did happen. I also have to say that this very well may not end up being an issue for both of you, either because of infertility or because life events might happen that preclude the possibility of having children. I have three good friends, all of whom wanted to be mothers, who have not had children for varying reasons – one got ovarian cancer and had a total hysterectomy at age 25. One married an older man that already had children and did not want more, and one got to age 40 without ever marrying and didn’t feel single motherhood by choice was an option for her. You really have no idea, right now, where circumstances will lead you later on.
I do think it’s troubling, a little, that you’d rather “nip this in the bud” and give up the relationship rather than take a chance and hope for the best; that to me is more telling about your relationship’s chance of success than anything. If you are more opposed to having children than you are letting on – even to yourself – you aren’t doing anyone any favors by not being honest about that. Some people have the desire and are open to the possibility and some don’t and aren’t. If you don’t want children and he does, yes, that will be a problem later on. But that’s not necessarily a reason not to pursue what could be a very loving, satisfying, and good relationship with your boyfriend.
CW
You two have to be on the same page. My uncle and his first wife got divorced because she wanted kids and he didn’t. No idea if they’d discussed it beforehand, but she eventually got tired of waiting for him to change his mind or reluctantly agree to have kids (worse, in my mind).
I also think you should try to figure out whether you actually do not want children, or if you’re just ambivalent to the idea right now. When I was in my mid-20’s kids weren’t even on my radar. Now, kids aren’t on the immediate horizon, but they’re definitely something I’m thinking about.
Erin M.
I disagree with Two cents. It would be one thing if he was dead set on having children, while you had had your tubes tied because you never want to have kids. Instead, you’re both young-ish and you’re both not entirely certain about what kind of family you want to have, which is normal, and you’re open and honest with each other about this. One thing that you sound certain about is that you love each other. Breaking up a loving, happy relationship over a decision that you might or not might make ten years from now would be foolish.
There are a lot of things that could happen that could break up your marriage in 10 years. If every couple focused only on the possible future problems no one would ever get married.
MsZ
I’ve been through this – like you, I was the one that didn’t want to have kids, and my boyfriend at the time (now husband) loves children but didn’t want to have a substantial conversation about it. You must discuss it – no more “dismissing it” on his part. My husband and I came to the conclusion that he would be OK with not having kids if I never changed my mind; we talked about it ad nauseum to the point that I believe him. You may come to a different conclusion in your situation; you just need to have that talk. A few times.
ADS
And if people DID focus on the BIG problems that they have the foresight to see coming, I wouldn’t be the shoulder that yet ANOTHER friend is crying on while she’s going through her divorce, beause they thought they’d “figure it out” and they didn’t.
Seriously, love isn’t enough. That doesn’t mean you should break up with him right this second, but if you’re not going to want kids and he is, that’s going to break up any marriage down the line, and you should do everything you can to figure that out now, before you’re at that point. In my experience, people who are “pretty sure they want kids,” ESPECIALLY if they’re male, and ESPECIALLY if they’re a young male, DO want kids, and always will. This isn’t a universal truth, but it is my experience that that is true more often than not. So, focus on you. Why do you think you don’t want kids? Is it a “not now” thing, or a “not ever” thing? Consider seeing a counselor to help you talk through it. Please note, I am not saying to see a counselor because there is anything wrong with not wanting to have kids, it’s just to help you better understand your own feelings. If you feel pretty sure that you really don’t want them, ever, and that that’s not going to change, do both of yourselves a favor and be honest about that, and acknowledge that that has the potential to be a dealbreaker. If you want to get married some day (and note, no one is saying that has to be your end goal either), you have a better chance of getting there if you focus on dating people who are marriageable. If you’re not on the same page about this, then he’s not marriageable for you.
DON’T buy a house until you figure this out.
L
Ditto to this entire post.
My husband and I were always completely on the same page about kids, which is EXTREMELY important.
E
Great reply!
It’s so important to know. I know a guy who’s in his late 20s dating a 31-year-old. He’s told her that for career reasons (he’s a diplomat) having children within the next 5 years is absolutely not on the table, and if that’s a deal-breaker for her then she should break off the relationship. She hasn’t broken it off.
What I wonder is, does he actually want children? 36 is a little dicey, and that’s assuming they start trying immediately he gets back from his posting. Does he actually want children with her? It seems to me that a guy who’s serious about a woman, and wants children eventually, would think things through a little more.
Another Sarah
This may sound harsh, but what is there to think through? Whether or not he should forgo his chosen career so that he could have kids sooner with the woman he’s currently dating? It sounds like he’s already thought it through, and I have to say that I appreciate how he’s up-front with the woman he’s dating.
KH
Agree with this. If neither of you are absolutely certain, you are both honest about where you are on this issue if/as your feelings evolve or change, then no need to break up what is working. The fact that you CAN and ARE talking about it and noone is freaking out speaks volumes to me about the underlying soundness of the relationship.
Two cents
I certainly get that the OP is young and might very well change her mind about kids, but it’s also possible that she won’t change her mind, and nor will her boyfriend. And being in your mid-20s is not that young — I was married by that time and while I’m in my late 20s now and am not ready to have kids, I certainly always knew that I wanted kids. My understanding is that you can never change anyone’s mind about whether or not they want to have kids. It’s such a personal decision.
I also speak from some personal experience. My sister married a guy who was on the fence about having kids, stayed with him for 6 years in the hope that he would change, and divorced him after realizing that he just didn’t want kids. She wasted so much of her life hoping and hoping that he would change his mind, and it was very frustrating to witness.
To employ a dorky law school phrase, love is necessary — but it doesn’t mean that it’s sufficient. You need to be on the same page about kids. I really cannot thing of anything that’s more important to be on the same page about, maybe except money.
Anon
I think it would be helpful to explore why you don’t want to have kids before breaking up a happy relationship. After I started dating my (now) husband, I started thinking about why I didn’t want kids. I realized that I didn’t want the hectic, rush-to-daycare, rush-to-dinner weekdays and chock-full weekends that I grew up with; I wanted time to enjoy life, and I did want to share that enjoyment with kids at some point. It means my husband and I will need one stay at home parent or less demanding jobs, and we won’t be as wealthy as my two working parents were, but that’s OK with me. We’re planning and saving so we can make that happen and still live comfortably.
I guess my advice is – if you’re ambivalent about kids, put in the time to think about what you want and don’t want for your future. Then think about whether kids fit into that picture. Then you can make decisions about whether to break off your relationship.
Anon
I was ambivalent about kids when I got married at 24, as was my husband (who is 3 years older). It’s been 5 years. Now I know that I want kids and he is still undecided. Having kids is not one of those issues that you can compromise about. It’s totally binary, and you both have to be in 100% agreement. I think it would be good to wait until you have a little more clarity about kids (and any other deal-breakers) before you get married. There’s no need to break up (as long as your boyfriend knows where you are and is ok with it). But, in retrospect, I wish that I had waited to get married until I was sure about kids. In my case, I think we’ll ultimately work it out, but if we don’t there will be a lot of heartbreak that could have been avoided.
AN
I’ve been married 12 yrs now (we were both 24 when we married) and we started out the same way. BUT hubs was always of the mindset : “i understand if you never want kids, and i would love kids. but you have the veto right and I’ll accept your decision”.
Well, we didn’t have kids for 9 yrs (a long time by Asian standards) and we have a 3 yr old now whom I adore. Sometimes it’s all about timing – even at 30, I just wasn’t ready. But it helped to know that hubs was always supportive (even if that made him less than 100% satsisfied) of my choice – despite a ton of family pressure.
AN
I guess what I am trying to say (short version) is : is his desire for kids greater than his need and love for you? the answer to that will show you what you need to do.
Ann
Love this response.
Legal Marketer
Another personal advice (long) threadjack:
My sister-in-law (singe, 30, a wonderful aunt to my 14-month old daughter) called this morning. She is visiting my MIL at the winter home in a warm location across the country next month for 5 days. She wants to take my daughter along.
We don’t live in the same state as any of our family, but they often come visit during the week, especially this SIL, and take the little one out of daycare and spend a day or two with her, which I love. (I don’t love the fact that my daughter is in daycare 50 hours a week, but it’s working for now and we have a wonderful daycare, which makes it easier to deal with.) I’m fine with these visits because I still get to see my child in the evening after work and in the mornings, but they get to spend lots of time with Aunt.
My husband thinks the trip is a fine idea and I’m sure she will survive and be well cared for. But here’s the thing: I don’t want her to go. I’m not one of those moms who won’t be away from her kid – I hire a babysitter at least once a week to do something “for me” (work out, meet a friend for dinner, etc) and I like the fact that she adapts well to others and new surroundings. But I don’t want to go 5 days without seeing her if I don’t have to. I have a few trips planned later this year (1 w/ hubs, 1 w/ gfriends) that will involve several days away from her, but I’ll be on vacation and focused on something else. Coming home from work several nights in a row without my little buddy will be very hard for me if she goes on the trip. Is it selfish of me to only want to be separated from her when “I” want to be? (interestingly, hubs and I invited SIL to come and stay at our house while we go on our trip because she’s off work that week, but she said probably not, because she might plan a trip w/ her bf that week.)
Also, I’m pretty type A and will insist on packing all the gear and clothes and extras and sending big lists of things she should be fed (healthy food is one thing I am insistent upon with my child). My SIL and MIL are not quite so “detail-oriented” and have the “oh, once we get there, we’ll run to Wal-Mart and get a bunch of diapers and stuff to get us through the week.”
My daughter is very adaptable and easygoing. She flies well (and frequently in a small plane we own and use to see family in neighborhing states) so I don’t anticipate that being an issue. I flew commercially once with her as an infant so I have somwhat of an understanding of what a PITA it can be with the stroller, diaper bag, carseat, etc. on the airlines and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but my SIL is pretty adventurous and resourceful and will be fine in that regard. That being said, my daughter only sees her once every 4-6 weeks and if she is upset or not doing well, might not be comforted by Aunt.
So what should I do? (Hubs will support me no matter what, but I know he thinks we should just send her.)
I could probably take a few days off work and go along, but I don’t know if that’s the right message (I don’t trust you to be alone with my daughter). I could say no because we technically already have plans that weekend with my sister (she was planning to come visit and spend a few days with little one, but I could probably reschedule with her if I really wanted to.) Or I could just suck it up and let go of the control and send her and not be happy about it but it would thrill my SIL and MIL. I might be a little more inclined to let the trip happen if my daughter was a few years older and would actually have memories of it. But she won’t, so it seems more like a novelty for the MIL and SIL.
I’m trying to look at it objectively and keep an open mind so I’m hoping someone else can provide me with some perspective before this weekend, when my SIL is going to be booking tickets. TIA.
AtlantaAttorney
Let her go. The bond she will form with your SIL and MIL when they get her all to themselves without you will last a lifetime and more than worth the 5 days you have to give up with her. I speak from experience on this one! It will be tough, and the house will feel terribly empty to you while she’s gone, but it’s like money in the relationship bank and well worth the investment for everyone. Do it, do it.
ADS
14 months seems SUPER young to me to be off without parents for that long without it being a necessity, but I don’t have kids, so what do I know?
If that’s not your concern, and it’s just that you’ll miss her, I would lean towards letting your SIL take her for a few days. Even if they feed her chocolate cake and potato chips for a week she won’t die, nor will she have any long lasting health effects.
Take advantage of the oppoortunity to spend some extra time with your husband. If nothing else, it will be a learning opportunity for all involved.
maine susan
Parenting is a multiple decade process in learning to let go. Children are tiny humans with their own lives. Your job is to help them become their own independent people. Learning to sleep away from home is a good thing for your child. And letting her go now, with people you trust, will make sleepaway camp and vacations wtih her friends’ parents and eventually college easier. And give you a little time to refocus on your other interests, including your husband. Good luck.
Preggo Angie
I have a 17-month old and I don’t think I could part with him for a week without it being absolutely necessary, even if it is with grandma and auntie. I would find an excuse to tag along, at least for the first few days.
For the record, I’ve only had 1 night away from my child. Maybe that’s weird, but it just has worked out that way. I think the “mommy guilt” from having him in daycare keeps me from spending too much time away from him.
Anon
My son is two and I have never spent the night away from him. My daughter was 5 before she went on a trip without me, and that was very hard for me.
But it sounds like it could be a fun trip for your daughter and maybe a nice little break for you and your hubby.
Eponine
It’s not weird. Everyone’s different.
Ann
I never spent one night away from my son until he was 18 months old; I just wasn’t ready. Over time it’s become easier and now he’s spent a couple of weeks with Grandma while my husband and I have gone on vacation together (which was much needed and created many benefits for our marriage even months later. Highly recommend couples vacationing without kids every now and then).
I feel for the OP. I have never had my son stay elsewhere while I worked and came home; the emptiness in the house would be hard to handle. I am not sure what the right answer is – I have tremendous fear about my son traveling without myself or my husband, but on the other hand, I see how rich his relationship with my parents is and how much they contribute to his life, and would never want to step in the way of that.
However, I do agree that 14 months is young. And remember, there will be other opportunities down the line for your daughter to do things like this. It is totally OK to say “no – for now.” It doesn’t mean “no, forever.” Do what your gut says is the right thing, OP.
Samantha
I agree with AtlantaAttorney’s advice to let her go, though I know it’s hard for you.
It seems like your reasons for not wanting to let her go are more to do with you missing her rather than fears about her not being as well cared for or not being happy. Not to minimize your happiness of course, but I appreciate your honesty in admitting that you would not mind spending a few days away from her on your terms if needed.
Your SIL and MIL will love spending that time with her, your daughter will enjoy bonding with family, and perhaps you can use that time to do something for yourself/with your husband.
B
I agree that you should let her go, for the reasons above and also because you sound like you are wound extremely tight and need a break!!! lol
Seriously, I’m a type A gal myself, but you are overthinking this;)
L
I wouldn’t have her go – she is still just a baby!!! I wasn’t away from my first kid overnight until she was 2 (I nursed until 22 months, so that wasn’t really an option).
hold on
22 months, that’s just weird. Sorry, but it’s weird. That’s a full blown child sucking on a boob. It not only approached creepy, but surpassed it months and months ago. . . .
Mrs K
No, it’s NOT WEIRD and calling it creepy is totally offensive and out of line. In fact, 2 years is the recommendation of the World Health Organization. I nursed my son until he self-weaned at 23 months. There was NOTHING weird about it.
I’m sorry, but comments like this are totally out of line and offensive to mothers who choose to do something that is TOTALLY NORMAL AND NATURAL. It’s what your boobs are for, you know.
ADS
its am opinion, no need for you to preach what is acceptable and nonoffensive while yelliong in all caps. I believe it’s weird. Many others do as well. And hte WHO guidelines are for exclusive till 6 months with other food that may be complemented with breast feeding UP TO 2 years.
Therefore, a kid could live without you breastfeeding them at 23 months for a few days since they should have other food.
Way to just yell your opinion as it’s right and in doing so tell everyone else how wrong they are.
I and many other people, the majority in the US actually, think breastfeeding a talking child is creepy.
Anon
Thank you Mrs. K. for being a voice of reason.
ADS: No one is saying you have to breastfeed exclusively for two years. In fact, most parents supplement with solid foods much earlier on. And no one is calling your choice not to breastfeed “weird”, so please refrain from insulting others parenting choices, particularly healthy ones, just because you aren’t comfortable with it.
KR
You know what? A post saying that breastfeeding to a certain medically accepted age is “surpassing” creepy warrants yelling. Calling anyone’s BFing choices weird and even worse, beyond creepy, is totally uncalled for and just plain wrong. That goes far beyond stating an opinion. It’s judgmental and totally unnecessary, particularly in this forum. So yeah, I’m going to yell. Because it’s hard enough to breastfeed in today’s society without being called creepy for doing it.
And anyone who has a kid knows that after 6 months, BFing is a supplement to other food as well. That doesn’t change the WHO’s recommendation.
I’m not trying to preach anything. I’m trying to defend someone being called out as creepy for no justifiable reason whatsoever.
God, the mommy wars invade Corporette even. And even the non-moms, from the sounds of it, are weighing in. That’s just great.
No freaking wonder people post anonymously around here.
Mrs K
Sorry, those last two paras were unnecessary and overly dramatic. Pregnancy hormones, you know. Would go back and delete if I could – shouldn’t there be a hormone-do-over button?
Mrs K
And “KR” above was me. Not sure why it posted under KR. Now THAT’S weird.
ADS
I just want to say that that ADS who is calling breastfeeding weird is not me. There seem to be two of us. I am the sane one.
Anonymous
It always amazes me when women on this site make truly ignorant statements about breastfeeding. To “Hold On”: breastfeeding is not sexual. It is not perverted. Breastfeeding is healthy. Regarding the original poster: go with your gut. I would not have let my child go at that age.
anon
Theres no medical benefit to extended breastfeeding in a healthy american, we have access to medical stuff, society. if someone, myself included, think it’s disturbing to bf a child at 2 then so be it. We are not alone. I think it borders on obsessive mom behavior, with no boundaries set for a child.
Anonymous
Wow, the anti-breastfeeding group seems to have no basis whatsoever for their position, other than some juvenile bias against breastfeeding. As noted, WHO recommends nursing until age 2. In addition to nutrition, breastmilk carries immunological benefits (at the very least). There is nothing weird about it and I don’t understand why they feel the need to voice that sentiment here. Every mother-child pair is different, different children have different needs. If the mom is ok with it, why do you care? I’m totally with you, Mrs. K. Does “anon” really think there is “no medical benefit” and “medical stuff” (what is that??) makes up for the benefits that breastmilk has evolved to provide? Buy into the medical/pharmaceutical industries’ PR much? Even formula manufacturers admit that the components of breastmilk are a mystery and cannot be imitated. It’s one thing to say I wouldn’t do it and quite another to take that hysterical tone.
Ann
I cannot believe how offensive and clueless this comment is. Yikes.
CSF
Good for you! My sister is going to nurse for as long as she can. They’ve reached the 1 year mark this week. I talked to her about this subject this evening and she’s pretty much in agreement that 14 months is still SO young to go off on a multiple day trip without Mom or Dad.
p
L commented the kid couldn’t go anywhere, it wasnt an option, because she was breastfeeding. Pardon me, but couldn’t a 2 year old go 3 days without that? Thats not an argument for the child needs breastmilk and hence cant go, the child didnt need it. I think that’s the point.
Anonymous
P: I learned recently that a baby cannot be suddenly switched from breastmilk to formula and it can be hard for a mother to store sufficient amounts in advance. Personally, I wonder whether people who fear natural breastfeeding were perhaps abused as children. Being disturbed seems to be an odd response to natural mammalian behavior.
MelD
P is not making any comments that suggest a fear of breastfeeding. A 22-month-old child should be getting most of his/her nutrition from other foods and the breast milk is a complement. That’s way different from a 5-month-old infant who is receiving all her nutrition from the breast milk and will probably not have enough food over the span of a few days if her mom is not around.
Anonymous
MelD and P -the fear issue was a separate comment. Sorry! I was just telling P something that I recently learned. As for how long that is true for babies, I have no idea. I was only able to breastfeed for two months.
Mrs K
I really, really recommend that you follow your gut on this one. If your gut says not to let her go – and it seems pretty clear from your post that it does – then don’t. You will find that different people will have different perspectives about what the right answer is, but please remember that the right answer for someone else is not necessarily going to be the right answer for you.
This is a bit different, but when my son was younger I was pressured by a friend with a similarly aged child to take a long weekend trip, because I “needed” a break and some time away. I just knew in my heart that if I went I wouldn’t enjoy a minute of it, because it WASN’T what *I* needed even if it was what she needed as a parent. I was on the fence until I read an article by a mom who hadn’t listened to her gut, had left her little one for a few days, and had a miserable experience. That article gave me the strength to trust my instincts and do what was right for *me*. And, by the way, at this age (14 months is young!!) and in this circumstance I believe that what’s right for you IS what’s right for your daughter. Of course your daughter will be fine on the trip. But it sounds like you won’t be, and in my opinion that’s your answer right there.
Anyway, this is all just my opinion of course, but with the comments leaning toward letting her go I wanted to offer a different perspective. Do what feels right to you, not what feels right to other people.
AE
Take my opinion with a grain of salt, because I am not a parent, but I disagree with others here. If you don’t want to let her go on the trip, then don’t. She is your child. You work full time. You have limited time to spend with your child and your child is very young. It is not selfish of you to say “no” here, especially if you are willing to have your MIL and SIL stay with you and visit with your child in your home. I don’t think this is a matter of being unwilling to part with a child or “let go;” I think this is a matter of not infringing on quality family time that is so limited. Can they schedule this trip so that it coincides with one of your planned vacations, so that you don’t have to spend time away from your child that you otherwise did not plan to?
Louise
Trust your gut. You don’t want her to go. Say “no” this time. Say “yes” when your gut says it feels right.
Emily I
Mom of 3 here. Not even a close call for me. I wouldn’t send my child out of the state for a week with a person she only sees once a month or less until she was old enough to communicate with her caregiver. Sounds like a recipe for everyone – you, your child, and even Auntie and Grandma – to lose a lot of sleep. I’d wait for lengthy trips away from you with people she doesn’t see a lot of until your child is older. Just my 2 cents. Good luck!
Legal Marketer
Emily I, wow – that’s so true. I hadn’t even thought of that. She knows some sign language (more, all done, milk, help, eat) but I understand a lot of her other “communication” in a way that only a parent or primary caregiver will. Thanks everyone for the insightful replies. I’ve read all of them and decided she’s not going unless I go with her. Maybe in a year or two, but not this time around. And part of me is a little hurt that my SIL brought it up. She knows me well enough to know that I wouldn’t be comfortable with it, but also knows that I can be guilted into things, so I really think she knew the answer well enough to know she shouldn’t have asked in the first place. I’ll get over that, though. I’m sure she didn’t think it through – just got excited when the idea popped into her head.
EC MD
I think it’s great that you are trusting your gut and saying no — it was clear from your post that you were not comfortable with it, and I’m glad you are doing what feels right for you.
But don’t be hurt that your SIL suggested it. She doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t think of all the issues. That’s your job as the mom, but don’t feel as though she’s trying to guilting you into something. Just own what you want and appreciate the love she feels for your child to even suggest this.
NYC
No advice…I’m just jealous you are considering it! I wanted to take my 6 year old nephew to Disney World for three nights (something my brother and sis-in-law would never do with him), and they said no, it was too long! Neffie and I are close and I am 31 years old and responsible. It’s just he has never spent a night away from them.
Eponine
Let her go. Relax, enjoy a few days alone with your husband (date night, anyone?) and try to get your daughter to talk on the phone or on Skype (at least it’ll be funny). You sound confident that your SIL and MIL will take good care of her and that she’ll be fine, so I think your reasons for not wanting her to go are mostly about how you feel (I’m not going to say they’re selfish, as you put it, because they’re perfectly normal feelings). But having this little break will be good for you and your husband, it’ll be a good experience for your daughter even if she doesn’t remember it, and it’ll be fantastic for your SIL and MIL.
K
At 14 months I think you need to go with your gut but for when she’s older, definitely let her go! My first night away from home by myself without my parents or siblings was at my grandmother’s, probably somewhere around age 5-6. I’m about to turn 30 and I still have very vivid and fond memories of that special “first sleepover away from home.” It’s just little things (we ate this raspberries and cream ice cream she always had and she had me help her with her crosswords and we made paper dolls and colored them) but it was a big deal at the time and I’ve always remembered it as being very special. Unfortunately she got Alzheimer’s in the early ’90’s and passed away in 1999 so I never really got to express how much it meant to me.
AN
Do what gives you peace of mind. I would not have let my kid go – not at 14 mths. But my rule is that atleast 1 parent has to be with my son for out of town trips.
ANON2L
We have a 3.5 yo, and I say, trust your gut. Your gut seems to be telling you not to let her go. You don’t need to justify your reasons, your reasons don’t even need to be rationalized to yourself or to other people. You’re the mama and mama’s instinct pretty much trumps everyone else.
As for what I personally think: Nope. Absolutely not. I think 14 months is too young for your child to be taking overnight trips without you or your husband. Period. I don’t see any benefit to her right now, only risk. Being away from parents and routine is incredibly stressful for young kids. I think it will be more confusing for her than anything else. I question whether she will internalize any of the positive things everyone is suggesting at such a young age, such as bonding. It’s important for your child to be bonding with you and your DH at this age. She has a lifetime ahead of her to bond with relatives. I very much believe this is a question about her development. Is she developmentally ready to understand that she is away from her parents for only a short time, that she is going on a fun trip, that she is seeing family to bond? I really don’t think so. I think at 14 months kids still incorrectly attribute one action to another. For example, a child might think, I was naughty this morning because I dropped food on the floor, and oh, now I’m away from my parents because I was bad. Where’s my mommy? I don’t think at 14 months she will understand that she is coming back to you in a few days. Your simply not there and she has no idea why. If you do decide to let her go right now, I would discuss with your pediatrician just how she might perceive the experience, rather than assuming, as we all are here, that the experience will be good (or bad) for her. Good luck with your decision.
a lawyer
Five days is a long time for everyone involved, but as an adoring aunt with no kids of my own, I recommend letting her go. There are two adults to help with your child, not just one; once you relax, you and husband will truly enjoy the time; and it sounds as if your daughter will have a great time. I know my relationship with my niece and nephew has been greatly enhanced by my trips with them cross-country. Kids are different, generally much better behaved, when parents are not around, although age 14 months is young for that generalization, but I know trips without parents (as great as my sister and BIL are) are much better for relationships with kids than trips with parents.
carolina
absolutely agreed. Life presents enough problems that we can’t forsee and that will be difficult enough for us to get through. So doesn’t it make sense to address and/or handle, if possible, the difficulties that we CAN predict?
carolina
ger — meant to reply to the kids discussion above. Sorry.
web design advice needed
Hey Ladies,
So a a project just got dropped in my lap…setting up a website for a special project my organization is doing. I have never done this type of thing and need suggestions for resources to guide me in making a well-organized site. I don’t need anything on html or whatever is used for web design these days (we are using a program that does that part) but since I am tasked with deciding which items should be listed where, and when/whether to use drop down menus and things like that, I could really use some advice on ideal layout schemes. The website will have a lot of documents for people to download since the idea is to make it a resource for consumers and advocates in a certain subject area. TIA!
anon in chicago
my day job is web development so maybe i can be a little bit helpful!
honestly for a project like this i would recommend that a firm farm it out to an outside developer who will be able to build a site that uses some kind of content management system, so that employees can update it easily and not have to worry about breaking the website. i’ve used WYSIWYG HTML editors before (“what you see is what you get” – these programs write the code for you) and the biggest problems with them is that they are not fun to use, and generate a lot of ugly code that, over time (and with updates) can break.
if that absolutely isn’t an option there’s still lots of stuff you can do to make sure the site is as useful as possible for your group! i would start by making an outline of the types of content that need to be on the site – often by doing this, some way of categorizing becomes clear (perhaps there needs to be sections for each audience, for ex. “students,” “parents,” and “teachers,” or sections for what types of information is being shared?). once there you can check out other websites that do something like what you want your site to do, to figure out what the best way of presenting these buckets of info might be.
alistapart.com is a super resource for web designers/developers at every level and has a lot of focus on information mgmt and presentation, so maybe you’ll find something useful there!
Kady
TE;CB (too expensive; can’t buy)
Kady
P.S. Just in case it’s unclear, I’m just being cheeky
anonish
Can anyone recommend what to do about a very flaky, dry scalp? This has just started with the cold winter/dry home and I’ve googled to find things like “rub olive oil on it” which freak me out a bit. What do you ladies do about this?
Prop-er
My aunt has been using Aveda’s scalp balancing shampoo for as long as I can remember and swears by it.
Mac
Apple cider vinegar rinses. Sounds crazy but it works. A quick google will give you different mixes, but I usually use about two tablespoons of acv in several cups of cold water (I don’t measure, just splash it in there) and pour it over my head as a final rinse after shampooing and conditioning. I try to pour directly on the scalp and massage it in after pouring. I don’t rinse it (the smell fades, but you could also add essential oils such as rosemary oil to mask it), but other people leave it on a while and then rinse it. If that still bothers you, you could try applying ACV, letting it sit for awhile, then washing as normal.
Another suggestion that helps is to massage your scalp. You can do it with very little or no oil at all. Final suggestion (if all else fails) is to invest in a humidifier for your home.
anonish
I did come up with that in my google searches too, I’m going to have to try and find it at the grocery store! Where do you get rosemary oil from?
Mac
I buy it at health or “natural” stores/groceries/co-ops. You might even be able to get it at Whole Foods. Of course, it will be probably be much cheaper online (you want pure rosemary essential oil, Aura Cacia and Heritage Products are good).
If you buy online, I’d recommend vitacost.com (no affiliation). They have discounts of up to 60% off store prices, fast and reasonably priced shipping and great customer service. I buy almost all of my “natural” bath/beauty products there (Giovanni Direct conditioners, Thayers toner, etc.).
anonish
I just found out there’s a Trader Joe’s near me, so I’m headed over there soon to try the apple cider vinegar, jojoba and rosemary oils, thanks ladies!
D
Cut down on the number of times a week you use shampoo. Long, hot showers also dry out your skin, so turn the temp. down a little (so hard to do!) You can also buy a humidifier- I’d love it if anyone has suggestions on brands because I’m looking too.
You can use oil olive as a once a week deep conditioner; put a little on and wrap a hot towel around your hair before rinsing. If you are weirded out by the olive oil, try to find a weekly deep conditioning product.
If nothing helps, you may want to see a dermatologist to rule out scalp dermatitis.
Are you sure it is due to the cold and not a type of dandruff or hair product build-up? Because you need different shampoo to tackle dandruff.
Anonymous
Olive oil removes dyed hair colors FWIW.
coco
Humidifiers –
I swear, I could not survive winter without one. I stayed overnight in NYC and I could completely feel it the next day – makes me want a traveling one too. My house has two types of humidifiers but most are pretty old, so no specific suggestions.
1) Requires filter. The nice thing about these is that you use tap water. The bad thing is that you have to buy filters (about $9, go for one with the standard filter size) every month or two, depending on your water and preference. My family has one that uses a Brita Filter, which seems nice, but also slightly unnecessary to me.
2) No filter. These require distilled water. Depending on the size and dryness of the environment, this can get expensive – but you’re not spending money on the filter. With these, I probably go through more water than the price of the filter, but while I was growing up, my dad had access to distilled water at his work, so it wasn’t a big issue.
Personally, I think the no filter kind are more effective. I have a filter one that I got in college for the convenience, and it does make things easier. However, I feel that I need to run it constantly to create the environment I want, while the no filter ones I used to run just at night.
coco
I don’t think I could survive winter without a humidifier. I stayed overnight in NYC and I could completely feel it the next day – makes me want a traveling one too. My house has two types of humidifiers but most models are pretty old, so no specific suggestions. I grew up with only cold humidifiers, and I’ve never had an issue with germs/bacteria. Just clean it once a week or once every other week with basic cleaner and you’ll be fine.
1) Requires filter. The nice thing about these is that you use tap water. The bad thing is that you have to buy filters (about $9, go for one with the standard filter size) every month or two, depending on your water and preference. My family has one that uses a Brita Filter, which seems nice, but also slightly unnecessary to me.
2) No filter. These require distilled water. Depending on the size and dryness of the environment, this can get expensive – but you’re not spending money on the filter. With these, I probably go through more water than the price of the filter, but while I was growing up, my dad had access to distilled water at his work, so it wasn’t a big issue. If you try to use tap water, it will cause build-up and stop working. I have one of these that’s about 15 years old and it’s still going strong.
Personally, I think the no filter kind are more effective. I have a filter one that I got in college for the convenience, a Vick’s. However, I feel that I need to run it constantly to create the environment I want, while the no filter ones I used to run just at night.
Naijamodel
I use Natures Gate calming tea tree shampoo. It works but it is not harsh on scalp or hair like other tea tree products can be. I hate the $10 price tag though. Whole foods and Trader Joes carry it.
I also massage jojoba oil into my scalp after washing. It doesn’t clog pores like olive oil can, and its moisturizing.
You might want to consider a humidifier. With winter, a scalp condition can be brutally drying.
Naijamodel
Oh, I use a Honeywell cool mist humidifier. I recently bought it on sale at Target and that was the biggest draw, lol. It’s huge – so I don’t have to fill it every day. So far, so good.
Based on past experience – get one with a filter. I bought a cheap non-filter humidifier first and it packed up because of the mineral deposits clogging it. I cleaned it often and it was hell. Vinegar and scrubbing 2ce a week.
somewherecold
I have a hot humidifier, I think it’s Vicks (and just from a drugstore), and it works fine, although I wish it had a larger tank so I didn’t have to fill it as often. I’ve heard that you have to be careful about cleanliness with the cool ones, because the hot ones will kill bacteria but the cooler mist won’t. But then the hot ones can cause a burn, so not great if you have kids around. I would consider how you will fill it (sink, bathtub, shower, with a mug, etc.), because some of them are too big/awkwardly shaped to rest in the sink or sit on the bathtub floor and be in line with the faucet, so you have to hold it up to fill it, which is annoying.
Eponine
Sulfate-free shampoo helps. I use one from Trader Joe’s that costs $3.
Lizadoo
Second this. I started using Burt’s Bees sulfate-free shampoo and it made a world of difference.
kz
I run a humidifier almost every night in the winter. I just bought a cheap baby one (actually named “adorable humidifier”) because I was in law school and didn’t feel like spending a ton, but i’m sure some people have suggestions for nicer ones.
Prop-er
A question about similarly expensive ‘is it really worth it?’ workout clothing: Is it worthwhile to buy lululemon’s $96 yoga pants and $50 running shorts?
I’ve seen so many people with their clothing, and I’m not sure if it’s the trendiness that makes them so expensive, or if there’s really some benefits to their workout clothing. I’ve finally been consistently working out 5-6 times a week for 4 months, and I’m starting to wear out my cheap Old Navy/Champion stuff with the frequent washing and am considering springing for some nicer work out gear. I’m just afraid even more expensive stuff like lululemon will still fall apart after heavy use for say a year, and I’ll be back at the same point of needing to buy new workout gear, but having spent 2-3x what I previously spent on it.
CW
I love lululemon’s gear. I go through phases of heavy use and not-so-much use, and so far nothing has fallen apart in the 2+ years that I’ve had them. I’ve used their clothes for running, hiking, yoga, etc.
JM
I think good workout gear is absolutely worth it if you work out as often as you do. I have a pair of lululemon yoga pants that I have put through the wash every week for over 2 years and they have not fallen apart/lost its elasticity/faded, etc.
I run 6 days a week and my favorite running shorts are the Nike Tempo Track shorts. http://store.nike.com/us/en_us/?cp=usns_CSE_081109_Froogle&l=shop,pdp,ctr-inline/cid-1/pid-245388/pgid-162677&CAWELAID=377805532 .
JM
Also, Nordstrom Rack and Marshalls frequently have workout gear. I’ve gotten a lot of running stuff at Nordstrom Rack.
cbackson
Oh man, I feel like every woman runner I know (including me!) has those shorts. Sometimes when I go to races, I count how many people I see wearing them. They are the BEST.
Anon
Yes. Love love love them!
JM
Yes! I must have 6-7 pairs, and past seasons’ colors always go on sale!
ADS
What’s so great about them? I have problems with shorts riding up at my inner thighs – will these not do that?
Annie
They will still ride up. Mine don’t because I have such wide hips and bowlegs that my thighs don’t rub together, but I’ve seen plenty of other women at the gym with that problem.
I’d suggest trying on a pair similar to those running shorts you always see on old men with the split-side. I have a pair of Sugoi 42K shorts and the split is not that dramatic (like the old men’s versions always seem to be) to look weird, but it’s enough that I would think the short would move more freely and not ride up.
cbackson
After nearly 20 years of running in old t-shirts and cheap shorts, I finally upgraded to nicer running gear a few years ago. For me, there was a big difference in terms of quality (no chafe-y seams, shorts that didn’t ride up, tights with handy small-of-the-back pockets, etc.). However, even my pricier stuff isn’t as expensive as the lululemon outfits – you can get good fitness brands (Mizuno, adidas, Nike, etc.) for excellent prices at Nordstrom Rack, Marshalls, reioutlet.com, and sierratradingpost.com.
If you’re happy with the quality of what you own, but find that it wears out too quickly, then there are some things you can do to prolong its life. First, don’t put workout clothes made of synthetic fabrics in the dryer (it will destroy the elastic and they’ll get baggy). Second, figure out if everything needs to be washed after every wear. I often wear sportsbras and some of my workout tights twice before washing. The key is to hang them up so that they dry out completely between wears.
Nonny
Whether it’s worth it is really dependent on what you are willing to pay, but I have to say I am a big devotee of Lululemon for workout gear (especially their yoga pants). I have had a pair of their yoga pants for going on 6 years now – worn for yoga, gym and running errands on weekends. I throw them in the wash all the time and they still look great and fit beautifully. The fabric is sturdy and very resilient. I actually have two pairs but still wear the older pair more than the newer pair (for no particular reason except that the older pair has a fun hot pink waistband). I can’t see either pair wearing out any time soon and no sign of them falling apart. I do have other (even older) stuff but really, I never wear it. Love love love Lululemon.
Don’t know if I’d pay the extra for their fancy new fabric with silver in it – the basic stuff works great for me.
Nonny
FYI, when I first got my Lululemon pants I conscientiously did not put them in the dryer, but after a while I just threw them in with everything else and it hasn’t affected them at all. No bagging, colour fading, or any such thing.
NYC
Yeah, the lululemon washing advice is to wash on warm and dry, but don’t use fabric softener or wash/dry them with towels. One pair of shorts started to pill a little, because I forgot the towel advice. But that stuff holds up SO well and the pants are downright sexy (so says the hubs).
Mrs K
Can’t speak to running shorts but for me, Lululemon is absolutely worth it. The cheaper versions on me just don’t fit quite as well. I do have cheaper versions and wear them, but my go-tos are always Lululemons.
Amy H.
I don’t have any of their yoga pants, but I swear by their running bra tops and jackets. Got most of mine 3 years ago and they are still going strong — the bra tops are still just as supportive, which seems miraculous to me. Definitely worth the money, IMHO.
Amy H.
I never put any workout gear in the dryer, though!
cardiganista
My oldest pair of Lululemon pants is from 2005…and the only problem is that one thread is sort of unraveling – not to the point that the seam is ripping, just an extra thread I always forget to cut off.
I don’t keep anything that long…it is THE oldest item in my closet with the exception of shoes, I think.
Plus, I think the fun colours and styles make you feel and look great and that helps.
As to the shorts…I own the “track shorts” style – i.e. there’s like built in underwear and then a nylon=type short overtop. Those are also well-made but not my fave in terms of exercise gear. The pocket is great as is the built in underwear, but I find the legs ride up hard. I prefer the luon fabric tight shorts better.
KateL
Good workout gear is worth it but like many things you don’t have to pay full price! I rarely pay more than $25 for running shorts for example.
In addition to browsing the discounters mentioned above nike.com has an excellent clearance section. Hint: register with the site and return shipping is free (or was). If you live in an area that hosts a major road race, race expos often have good deals on clothing. I have also bought workout gear on ebay.
Lilly
I can speak to Nike and Target. Nike = wears well; holds its shape; lasts for years; was run through washer and dryer. Target = looks great…for about two months and then looks pretty ratty; gets a little baggy; was laundered on delicate.
LInLondon
I’ve been using the Champion stuff they sell at Target for three years (45 mins of elliptical and weights 5x a week, to give you an idea of the wear and tear) and it’s all held up really well. I wash it on a regular cycle and air dry and it still looks like the day I bought it.
I don’t know, I can’t really fathom paying ninety bucks for glorified sweatpants. I almost had a coronary when the new bottoms I bought at Target the last time I was in the states were thirty, though, so I’m probably on the cheaper side than some other corporettes! (Though I just noticed you said you were using Champion already, so maybe splurge on one pair of Lululemons and see how it goes?)
Yoga instructor
No on the yoga attire. $6 leggings and a tank from Target will work just fine. The expensive yoga attire will wear out just as fast. The only thing it’s worth spending money for in your yoga practice is a good mat that suits your needs.
i'm nobody
thank you for this. as a fellow teacher, no phrase bothers me more than “yoga pants.” no one needs special pants to practice yoga.
houda
I have no advice on lululemon because I’ve never tried it. But I just wanted to say thumbs up for getting to your workout routine.
I am trying to up my gym regimen to 5 times/week using Kat’s 7-week motivation sheet :)
Prop-er
thanks!! Just to share what’s been working for me, I’ve been really trying hard to make it one of my top priorities. I think the key to it actually happening this time is convenience! I switched to a gym about 5 mins away from work, and when I end a day at like 6:30, instead of sitting in DC traffic for a 50mins I go workout and then head home.
Annie
Just to add something different to what others have posted–I don’t know what you’re washing your clothes in, but regular detergent can be harsh on workout clothes. Good workout clothes are designed to wick sweat from the body, but detergent can ruin this property of the fabric. I now use Sportwash on all of my technical fabric clothes (it’s somewhat pricey, but I think you can get it cheaper on Amazon in a 2-pack). I actually started using it because I was tired of my tech tees still smelling like sweat after I washed them–so that’s another nice benefit of using the special detergent.
Also, if you’re a fabric softener person, make sure you follow the tag instructions that typically advise not using any fabric softener.
EC MD
I admit it. I love lululemon. When I first saw them in Canada 5 years ago, I thought that is the stupidest name and those clothes are totally overpriced. Over time, I’ve broken down and now I am a devote. I love their running tights and have added a pair of other pants that I use for my barre class. I have a running shirt that I wish I’d bought it every color they had I love it that much. I love their ta-ta-tamer bra. Everything holds up beautifully…I’m now at the point that I have an adequate work out wardrobe and have no justification for buying new stuff, since it’s all in perfect shape.
I don’t know if it’s worth it from a monetary point of view, and I may be shallow, but I feel cute in my lululemon stuff (I swear they make my bottom look cuter) and body image is an issue for me. If I feel good in my work out gear, it’s very motivating for me. And that is worth the cost of the stuff.
Prop-er
Thank you guys for the great advice! I’m a little lazy with the laundry issue, I just throw everything into the wash and dryer on high (bad habit I picked up in college from laziness and haven’t gotten rid of yet), so I will definitely be careful to treat new workout gear more delicately. I also just switched to a new (nicer) gym where I found out a couple of my co-workers also go, so the image issue is slightly bigger than I thought it would be. I think I’ll get a pair of running tights and yoga pants from lululemon and try to scope out some sales for other stuff.
a lawyer
No, unless it motivates you to get out there and do it. I’m a long time runner and I normally buy Nike or Hinds outfits on sale somewhere (try ebay). I have to say a new pair of running shorts or skirt (just tried that this year) still makes me a little more happy to be getting out the door or at the gym.
Nike, Hind, Brooks, Sporthill (milemarkersports dot com has great clearance sales on great gear) are all good brands that are much cheaper than what you are talking about and can be purchased on sale at Dicks, Sports Authority, Athleta at good prices.
I would move up from Old Navy–you’ll be alot more comfortable in some true technical shorts/pants–wicking and not cotton.
Finally, to make it last, good workout gear is meant to be washed on gentle and never put in the dryer–hang to dry.
Anon131
I am a major Lululemon devotee, with respect to both their running and yoga gear (I do both on a consistent basis). Over the years I have tried various different brands, and I have never found anything that holds up as well over time as Lulu does, and which fits so perfectly all the time (i.e., does not ride up, does not sag when sweaty, etc.). I resisted the trend for a long time because I thought it was just that, but now I’ll never go back. For instance, even mid-to-high range yoga pants I’ve tried can’t compare–I’ve had some that get holds in the crotch within just a few months of wear (I’m looking at you, Hard Tail).
Also, since someone mentioned re-wearing exercise clothes above, I thought I’d mention this: Your sweat harbors bacteria, a problem that hanging up to dry between wearings will not solve. A good friend got a not-so-fun lady infection and learned from her doctor that re-wearing of her running tights was likely the culprit. Rewearing tops can also lead to acne and skin irritation. So unless you are not sweating when you work out, I would recommend investing in some pieces–at least those that are in direct contact with your body while you’re working out–that can withstand frequent washings.
Anon131
Sorry, meant this as a reply to the gym clothes thread — apologies!
Anon
Pardon the awkward question – do people generally wear underpants with running tights? I got some winter running tights for Christmas, but you can see my underwear line in them and it looks terrible. I never notice this on other people. I assume they’re not wearing thongs to run, but going commando in running tights also seems like it would be uncomfortable. What am I supposed to wear with them, if anything?
Anon131
I personally do not — it does feel a little weird at first, but not uncomfortable, and by now I don’t notice it at all.
K
My sisters and I totally debate over this. I always wear underwear; they never do. I think it’s just a personal preference thing. Try going commando a few times and if it works for you, panty-line problem solved! If not, I wear long t-shirts when I run. :) I did run cross-country in high school with a girl who always wore thongs when we ran. Still never sure how she did it :)
E.E.
Boyshorts cut can sometimes work.
Anonymous
I only wear underwear when I have my period, to avoid any potential embarrassment. I would definitely advise you to wash them after every wear if you go commando, though.
Annie
I either wear long t-shirts or throw a pair of light shorts over my tights (I generally only need to do this with my thick, full-length cold weather tights, so I don’t mind the extra layer keeping my behind warm). The only time I go commando is with my tri shorts at races when I’m going to be in water. Looks like it’s a matter of personal preference based on the above responses, so do what you’re comfortable with. Another thing I try to keep in mind is that if my legs are moving fast enough, no one is going to be able to see a panty line–just more motivation for me to run faster :)
Anonymous
I run/work out almost exclusively in thongs. They just have to fit right. Much better than the wedgie I used to get!
Anon
I don’t wear undies with my running tights. Sometimes if it is windy, I will wear either compression shorts or “buns” (those really short, tight shorts that lots of pros wear) under the tights to keep my lady bits from getting chilled.
If you are so inclined, Under Armor makes thongs. They wick the sweat and probably stay in place really well. I haven’t tried them bc I like going commando, but all of my Under Armor stuff has worked well.
cbackson
I tend to wear cotton thongs. I know a lot of people find thongs uncomfortable, but most of my underwear is thong, so I don’t have a problem with it. If I go commando, I wash the tights afterwards (since I’m the one talking about re-wearing without washing above).
Anonymous
The description of this top prompts me to ask a question I’ve been wondering about for a bit. Those of you who’ve had the plackets of tops sewn shut, how well does it work? Is the stitching obvious/distracting? Does it work better on some fabrics than others? Can your average competent dry-cleaner alterations person handle the task? I’m considering this for a few blouses and one knit dress but am afraid it could end up making the clothes look worse…
Anonymous
And is it possible the fabric will still gape open?
Crazy Paralegal
Before you take the step of having them sewn shut, try using toupee tape on the gaping areas of your shirts and dresses. You can buy it at the beauty supply stores that cater to professional hair stylists. It won’t hurt the fabric, and will even go through the wash several times before it needs to be replaced (if you leave the placket taped shut). I do take it off before I send my dry cleaning out.
AN
oooh, I’m so excited you featured my pick. The top is at my tailor’s being sewn shut. I’m short waisted so thinking of ditching the belt altogether; the blouse is so sleek that it’s not required!
Associette
<3 this blouse!