Coffee Break: Colette d’Orsay pumps

96 Comments

1. Does anyone have any SJP shoes? Thoughts on comfort and quality?

   1. I have two pairs. One pair is really quite comfortable but the others are quite narrow across the toe box even though they look pretty normal. They are nicely made but I will advise that I bought them at about 30% off.

   2. I have one pair. They are a somewhat low block heel pointy pump with a low strap. They’re pretty and I bought them when I was having serious knee problems. They’re comfortable, but the strap cuts across a bit. Also, they are a fairly delicate leather, kind of a graphite color with a little distressing on the heel. I think, if I wore them a lot, they would not hold up well.

2. I love the idea of a classic trench coat. If you have one that you rock, can you describe your height/shape and what brand?

   I’m 5-4 and feel that every trench I’ve tried on makes me look shorter and wider. The belts never stay tied. It is just a sorry look (and yet on insta, trenches elevate every possible type of outfit).

   What am I doing wrong (and why do I feel like I need a Very Special Trench Coat Whisperer)? I do my own 1040 so why can’t I figure this out?!

   1. I’m with you! I have a beautiful Boden trench coat that I love but I CANNOT tie the belt! It’s not long enough/looks goofy, doesn’t look right buckled. It is my first-world problem!

      1. I have the Boden trench as well and the belt drove me crazy….until I tied it in the back! It cinches the coat into an hourglass shape that is very flattering.

   2. Mmm, I would say try a different length. Also, this is one area where I think the perfect fit is key and the price makes a difference. You need one that is snug enough that you don’t get awkward bunching/billowing/flaring when you tie it, which will make you look bigger. But you also don’t want to it to be so snug that it’s not comfortable and stretching on every curve. I splurged on a Burberry a few years ago and love it. Worth the money. They make a regular cut and a slim cut, so you could try both to see what works.

      Also, when you wear the trench open, tie the belt in the back so it cinches the coat in a little. That helps so it’s not loose and billowy when open, but instead looks fitted.

   3. Most trench coats are double-breasted, which I think looks good on very few women. Maybe if you are very tall and thin and relatively small-breasted. Otherwise, double-breasted coats just make you look very blocky.

      The answer is single-breasted trench coats, unfortunately those are not easy to find.

      1. I like my single-breasted trench from London Fog.

   4. I have found that double breasted trench coats just don’t work for me – I need a single breasted coat that has a fuller skirt to it. Khaki is also not a good look for me. I’m 5’10”, size 12, short-waisted and a little hippy, so YMMV.

      My only success with trench coats was a black/gray wool plaid, single breasted trench from Banana Republic (6-8 years ago?) that was a little bit of a impulse buy, but was the perfect trench-type coat for me. Well, the sleeves could have been a bit longer, but other than that…

   5. I have one by Trina Turk that I love.

   6. I’m extremely petite and when I bought my Burberry several years ago it was the only brand that made a trench small/slim enough to fit correctly. The only alteration I needed was to shorten the sleeves.
      The belt does tend to loosen after a while but it stays on for a good stretch. I will say that it looks better closed than open.
      I also have a light overcoat that doesn’t have the details of a trench (like epaulette and flap) but is the same weight and provides generally the same sort of look. You might try that and see if it works better for you since it’s less fussy.

3. My office offers 8 volunteer hours, and I took them to spend all day phone banking for GOTV. I hope its quiet here because everyone is politically engaged! GO VOTE

   1. I’m taking the day to make calls for swingleft (and wait in a wonderfully long line at my polling place this morning)!

4. I am a BigLaw partner so my friends have now all grown up (Air Force Colonel, Big 4 Partners, other BigLaw Partners, etc. I grew up in the northeast where it seemed like the crowd I ran with went to the service academies, small New England / Pennsylvania colleges, or Cornell/Duke. I went to a state school in VA, but one of the smaller ones.

   Now that I do recruiting and we have kids/stepkids in college, can I just say how impressed I am with the range of opportunities at the state schools we recruit at or have kids at? Like you can get great entry-level jobs, have great post-secondary opportunities, etc. Like much in life, it will be what you make of it. But I really think I grew up where people really drank some strong kool-aid (you will be nothing unless your parents send you to a $70K/year school).

   I have a stepkid at an SEC school and I would absolutely send my two younger kids there. I feel that recruiting from it and having a stepkid thriving there (and am friends with several of his classmates).

   I would not have guessed that I’d have felt that way 10-20 years ago, but I totally do now. [And I know we spill a lot of ink here over getting into HYP/HYS, but I think if you go contrarian, you can go to an SEC/ACC school, have a great time in college, save a ton of $, and go on to the life you would likely have had anyway. And you may have a large alumni network in most cities.][It doesn’t have to be ACC/SEC, but what’s par for the course in your area.]

   Go State U!

   1. This has been my experience too. I went to a snooty mc snoot private liberal arts college that loved stroking its own ego about name prestige, etc. In my mid 20s I went back to SEC “state school” to get my extra classes I needed before getting my CPA, and I actually found the state school had an excellent variety of opportunities and much more direct support and pipeline into local job placement. Plus it was so ridiculously cheap that I paid off my student loans for my couple years worth of extra classes within my first year at my new definitely not six figures job.

   2. “Like much in life, it will be what you make of it.”

      This. Sure, there are probably some individuals who truly are better off going to HYS-ish schools than State U. But for the vast majority of people, simply maximizing your opportunities, whether academic, social, extracurricular, or whatever– will be what makes the difference. My parents didn’t set up 529s for me and my siblings. They didn’t save for college. We were expected to go, and to go to a very good university, and to go to graduate school, but for whatever reason they never attempted to save or really help us pay for it. I am so grateful that I had Excellent State U to go to. I spent a few thousand on tuition my first year and the rest was free. Amazing opportunity. And the alumni network is strong. (Not so much for my prestigious and 10x more expensive graduate school).

   3. I feel the same way. We’re just buying our forever house, and we are SO excited about the excellent in-state colleges that will be available to our kids!

      The other thing is, in this day and age (unless our economy turns upside down, which is possible), a bachelor’s isn’t worth anything. So why spend $250k on it when you’re just going to have to pay for years of grad school after that?

      1. Wow. Shockingly out of touch statement.

   4. I guess I’m confused about the point of this comment. Especially since I assume the recruiting you are doing is from law schools, which is a whole other world than undergrad recruiting.

      Do some kids go to state schools and get good jobs after? Yes. Do some kids go to state schools and never get the opportunities they want after? Yes. So much of this is luck. The benefits of a HYPS is that you get the benefit of the doubt. When you go to a state school, you have to prove yourself significantly before you start getting the benefit of the doubt.

      1. This. Obviously there are very smart kids who go to state schools and work incredibly hard and do all the right networking things and get into top grad programs and awesome jobs. But that’s the default for kids at Ivies and doesn’t take the same kind of hustling. I went to a top Ivy and I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been told “I hired you because of [HYP] on your resume” and how many very successful alumni have bent over backwards to help me make connections or get my foot in the door. I don’t think my parents wasted their $250k and I’ll absolutely pay for my kids to go to the best school they can get into.

         1. For HYP of COURSE. But what if it’s just a Top 50 school that still costs $70 thou a year? Those are the ones I don’t get.

            1. That’s how I feel – my husband and I both went to expensive private schools (GW and BU) and then onto grad school after. We both agree that the tuition at our undergrads was very much not worth it and I probably wouldn’t pay full freight for our kids to go there. We would probably pay for better but non Ivy schools like Duke, and I would probably pay for my daughter to attend a women’s college like Wellesley or Smith based on the friends I know who went there, but definitely not schools like our own undergrads.

            2. GW is so shockingly expensive now. My MIL went there as a commuter student. Now — forget about it! It is like the NYU of DC (former commuter school that now people are priced out of). At least we’ll still have George Mason / UMD / other state schools to save us / hopefully take our kids.

            3. Anon at 3:47 – small liberal arts colleges that cost $70k a year? Yeah, I agree that those are probably not worth it, and that the kids who get in could likely end up in the same place by going to a good state school and excelling. But the OP specifically identified HYPS as the “standard” option to which she is being a contrarian.

            4. I didn’t read her comment as exclusively applying to HYPS- caliber schools. She started off by specifically referencing lower ranked schools than HYPS–“small New England / Pennsylvania colleges, or Cornell/Duke.”

               I dunno, though… I just went to state school ’cause my parents couldn’t throw 250k at my education so maybe I just don’t understand….

      2. I think that if you say want to go to ATL and work in Big Accounting or BigLaw or maybe other jobs where a tie and a connection matter, there are just tons of UGA alumns.

         And I’ve never lived in a big city without running into tons of BAMA and Ole Miss people. And Texas.

         You may be buying prestige and a tight alumni network with HYP degrees, but the volume and enthusiam of other schools’ alumni continue to astound me in good ways. And a friend of mine who done local accounting hires says if you want to be an accountant, it might be less helpful to be from a school they don’t usually get a lot of people from (like why does this Penn alumnus want to come to Minneapolis) (which makes me feel bad for Cornell people — it’s a hard school to get to to do recruiting from and yet most every student there will have to find a job elsewhere).

   5. Second this!

   6. Yes! SEC school grad and it is unbelievable the network that I have due to my SEC degree and incredibly active alumni chapters (football games turn people out, ha!). The honors college is incredible and every large company in the Southeast recruits heavily on campus. I think part of how helpful it has been is that I live in SEC country and in a city my school feeds into.

      Super low debt, everyone thinks my degree is “nice,” and I had a great time (and a fabulous education). I would absolutely send my kids here, especially if in-state.

5. What’s everyone doing tonight? Are you avoiding the polls until tomorrow morning, or will you be using scorecards? What drink will you be making?

   1. Calling Shots, Shots, Shots!

      1. Tequilas are great

6. Any tips for surviving a long car-based commute? I just accepted a position that is a really exciting new opportunity. But unfortunately, it means I’ll be driving an hour and a half each way. We can’t relocate until my SO finds a new job, which probably won’t happen until June or July. (He’s going to start looking; his field just has very cyclical hiring practices.)

   My family lives near the new job, so I’m planning to stay with them a night or two a week to cut out at least a couple of trips. Any other suggestions?

   1. Alllllll the podcasts. Audible too if that’s your jam.

   2. Podcasts, sing alongs, phone calls.

   3. +1 for audiobooks. Best way to do this is to see if your public library has them for free loan through an app. I go through a book every two weeks this way, and totally free!

      1. I’m a fan of books on CD. Less to fiddle with if you’ve got bad reception or tech problems, and you never lose your place or are surprised that your e-audiobook was checked back in automatically.

         1. You can download your audiobooks for listening offline! Your local public library likely uses Overdrive, you can figure out how by searching for “Getting started with OverDrive Listen” :-) It will also automatically keep your place and should sync across devices when there is an internet connection. Many cars and computers don’t even have CD players anymore!

      2. This. I have a 70 min commute, and the free audio books from the local library are awesome. You can download them in case you worry about data/cell phone reception.
         Also, I found that I go through phases regarding my entertainment. Sometimes, podcasts for weeks, then music sing-alongs, NPR for a few weeks, … If you’re into music, google “best 100 [your favorite style of music] albums” or “100 best albums by women” and get whatever you can get from your library to add variety.

         Also, you should have in your car:
         – charging cables for your phone(s), small power bank (Anker brand is good)
         – dry snacks (beef jerky, crackers, cereal bars)
         – at least 1 large bottle of water
         – first aid kit
         – tire repair kit (the spray)
         – neon vest (in case you break down – improves visibility)
         – depending on your climate, be prepared for winter: keep a bag with extra layers, warm boots, socks, woolen hat, scarf, gloves, woolen blanket, deicer spray, shovel
         – get roadside assistance on your insurance if you don’t have that yet

         1. A towel also comes in super handy. I started keeping one in my trunk after my car overheated on the interstate and I needed to remove the radiator cap (?) to add water (my brother was directing me by phone). It has since come in handy for many things, thankfully not including another overheating incident!

         2. Actually, since you have such a long commute, I would recommend you get run-flat tires if you can. It will mean that you won’t have to ever be on the side of the road changing a tire.

   4. Depending on the kind of job you have, schedule 1:1s for part of your commute. When I was in management, I rotated who I talked to on my commute so I didn’t short-change anyone regularly but it was a good thing to get done in that time.

      If you don’t have the sort of role where that’s possible/appropriate, use the time to call your mother/father/grandma. It uses up time and makes someone’s day.

   5. I’ve done that length commute for about a year. Don’t underestimate how lovely silence can be, especially at the start of a new job. I’m all about podcasts and music now, but in the first few months of my job when everything was new and overwhelming, having silence at the end of the day felt like a glorious treat.

      Do what you can to simplify your life, because the three hours a day you spend driving are probably the same hours you normally spend getting stuff done around the house. Streamline and outsource what you can. Personally I find commuting exhausting and starting a new job exhausting, so combining the two meant that I was just exhausted. Recognize that that’s normal and ok and give yourself whatever you need to rest and relax in the evenings!

      1. Plus a small voice recorder for thoughts that come up while driving

   6. Audiobooks! My library has Overdrive, Hoopla and cloudLibrary.

7. I seem to have trouble with guys when I’m in that phase where we’ve been dating long enough to be serious but we’re not moving in together yet. I’m in biglaw so if a guy wants to see me during the week then it’s going to be dinnertime or later. Most of the guys I date have 9-5s or less.

   I’ve had several guys act put out that I expect them to handle dinner for the two of us. Look I love to cook, I will cook you up a storm on the weekends or on weekdays during my slow seasons. But if we’re planning to have dinner together, you’ve been sitting around your house since 4 pm, and I tell you I’m getting out of the office at 8, it’s insane to me that there is any question about who is cooking dinner tonight. And then when I confirm with them – hey so you’re taking care of dinner right – they act flabbergasted. Queue 20 questions about what they should fix/pick up, how do I cook this, is this done yet, what’s an oven even look like again? (and they never believe me when I say I don’t care please just figure it out – seriously if I’m asking you to handle it I’m at I-will-eat-gas-station-sandwiches level of idgaf).

   Then they tell me it’s not fair they have more of a burden of dealing with this stuff. They have to take care of my house (because my house is always nicer so they always want to hang out there more — and yes if you’re spending 5 nights a week at my house then you’d better do your share of dishes, laundry, etc.) AND their own. They’re not getting the benefit of my salary (hello, who pays for this nice house you’ve been enjoying? or the nice sheets that you sleep on every night and then grouse about washing?) so why should they have to deal with my schedule. To which I say — you don’t! There’s the door. But it’s happened so. much. I feel like I must be doing this wrong?

   1. not sure there’s anything very helpful to add. A lot of men do struggle with more successful women, and the sooner you see it, the sooner you can move on?

   2. Well, the tone in the your post in your email talks about your romantic partners like they’re housemaids…

      1. Yea, if my boyfriend expected me to do his laundry and clean his house and we weren’t living together, that would be a hard pass. Now, if I was spending all my time at his house, I would ask if it was okay for me to do my own laundry there, but that still seems weird unless I am living there. Do they really just hang out at your house without you there prior to moving in together?

   3. I was with you until you said that you make them take care of your house and do your laundry. Not sure what I’m missing, but that’s kind of odd/possibly rude. If it’s happened over and over again maybe it’s in the way you are communicating – could it be coming off as if you’re demanding that they come over and make you dinner? If neither of you wants to make dinner, maybe consider takeout or microwaving something? I get that their confusion around cooking dinner is annoying and dumpworthy, there are plenty of guys who do not act like that so I guess keep looking.

      1. No, they complain about “taking care of” my house. It’s not like I’m asking them to wash my clothes or clean the house (I have a cleaning service). But yes if you spend 5+ nights a week at my house, shower at my house every day – then you need to be equally responsible for washing sheets and towels. Similarly, plenty of these guys are hanging out when I’m not home, making themselves snacks, meals, etc. – it’s not my job to pick up the plates and glasses you leave all over the house. If you’re equally responsible for making the dishes dirty then you’re equally responsible for cleaning them too.

         And yeah I don’t expect them to COOK I expect them to take care of dinner sometimes – whatever that means. Takeout, microwaved, literally sandwiches from the gas station – if I delegate then he has 100% latitude to do whatever and I will be appropriately thankful that someone is feeding me.

         1. I think your main issue is that you basically are letting these guys live at your house. In your mind they are basically living with you so should basically share burdens as if they lived there. To them, they are just hanging out at their girlfriend’s house. Either they move in, or you need to stop letting them hang out at your place when you’re not home. That would resolve most of your problems.

            The other stuff – you need to treat your bf like what he is, a guest. It is reasonable to expect a guest to do super basic stuff like putting dishes in the sink or helping you wash after you’ve had a meal together and not leaving clothes in random places. That’s it, the rest is up to you. Ex. the sheets and the towels – let it go it’s your place, you’re using them too, and it’s just not that hard to do sheet and towels – they are square and never seen in public. I guarantee those guys wouldn’t make you do their sheets and towels if you spend the night at their place most of the time.

         2. I think you are completely off base. They don’t need to wash your sheets and towels. You need a cleaning lady. Don’t have them stay over so often if it’s blurring the line for you between “boyfriend” and “household help I’m entitled to have wait on me because I make more money and the sheets are very nice.” Or don’t. Whatever. Stay single that’s cool too.

      2. Really? I feel like if you’re sleeping over at someone’s for 5 nights a week, at a minimum, you should be doing your own dishes. And I assume they’re doing their own laundry at her place, which then yeah, throw in a load of towels (which they have to be using to shower, right?) or sheets or something while you’re at it. That’s just basic courtesy.

         And it’s an excellent litmus test. She wants a partner who will do at least 50%. Maybe more when she’s working long hours. This isn’t the time or woman to settle for some Macho Man who thinks laundry just magically cleans itself and dinner appears in 5 minutes exactly when he wants it. Guys don’t think twice about expecting this stuff, she shouldn’t either. It just may take a little longer for her to find.

         1. I think it’s a high assumption that these guys are bringing laundry over to her place – that’s literally so much more work than just doing it at their own home. I understood that she expects them to do her towels and bedsheets and perhaps other laundry which — no you use them too and they are yours. And also the easiest piece of laundry to do. The dinner arguments are childish, get 10 lean cuisines per week and call it a day.

   4. Why are you allowing these assholes to live in your house? Don’t establish that that’s allowed until/unless you like their response to the “hey so you’re taking care of dinner right” message.

      1. +1 to this.

   5. It sounds like more structure would be helpful. I see two challenges here, which are the same ones I’ve had in a similar situation.

      When you are busy like that, what about seeing each other less often but in a more structured way (like going out to dinner or another sort of date? The comfortable make dinner and hang out works when you can both do it, but otherwise I can see it feeling one sided to the guy while you doing more is certainly a burden on you. I did a decade in public accounting, so had a major busy season. When I was dating and not living with someone, I made it clear that we’d only see each other 1-2 times a week during peak work times, but when we did, I’d be fully present and make the most of it. Maybe that is a drink and light dinner on your way home rather than spending the night together.

      The other piece is staying at one person’s house more than the other. If someone is there 5 days a week, they basically are living there, but without you having made a conscious commitment, or the other person having a say in the expenses or chores. So even if you place is nicer, spend more time at their place. When someone does have their own separate house, I think it is a tough sell to expect them to care for yours and well as their own, so utilize theirs as well.

   6. Okay there is a lot to unpack here, and I don’t want you to think I’m bashing you or that it’s all your fault. These men are childish, I only concentrate on the below because it is within your control:
      1) Do these guys really understand what you do or how much you work? I’ve often found that guys with 9 to 5s just don’t have a real sense of how little time you have, always being on call, or how tired you are. Explain this to them.
      2) You don’t seem to be setting proper expectations. If you’re serious with someone, you need to have frank conversations about what you need, can and can’t do, and what you expect out of a relationship. Don’t even pretend to do his laundry or other single person tasks, he doesn’t live there, so it sits in a pile.
      3) To a certain extent, your paragraph implies that you hold traditional values or at least date men with traditional values, but you can’t follow through on those traditional values, which is perfectly okay, but be honest with yourself. If you can’t be the traditional girlfriend/wife then stop dating guys who want/need that.
      4) Stop entertaining ridiculous arguments. You are both grown, pick up food on your way home, or keep easy to make frozen veggies and meats in your freezer so either you or he can make meals with low effort. If even that’s too much, fend for yourselves and get your own dinners.
      5) Think about it from their side a bit – why are they doing your random household chores that aren’t cleaning up after themselves. They are right, they don’t live in your home, and there is a general expectation that the heavy stuff falls on the person that lives there. If your SO who doesn’t live with you is doing heavy lifting in your home, it is because they want to help you because they love you, not because it’s expected or required.

   7. For context, my husband does 90% of the cooking and I absolutely would not have married a man who didn’t want to share housework and childcare equally.

      That said, the tone of your post is kind of off. You’re talking about these men like they’re your servants and they should wait on you because you’re rich. What does how fancy your sheets are have to do with anything? I also think it’s pretty reasonable to balk at doing someone else’s laundry unless you’re living together. If you feel like you’re hanging out at your house too much, you can definitely suggest hanging out at his house sometimes. But it strikes me as wildly unreasonable to ask a man who doesn’t live in your home and isn’t your paid employee to wash your bedsheets. The cooking thing, eh, I dunno. Not everyone likes cooking. I don’t, and would be pretty annoyed if a man expected me to have a hot, homemade dinner on the table every night just because I “only” work 9-5. Why can’t you eat out or order delivery if neither of you wants to cook on weeknights?

      1. I’m not the OP but have been in this situation. It’s not demanding he cook. For me (and with 3+ of these types of boyfriends) it goes like this:
         Him: hey-tonight?
         Me: working late, be home around eight.
         H: want company?
         M: sounds good. I’m won’t have eaten yet. I have food at home or we can go out.
         H: Lets eat in.
         M: Cool. I have pasta and sauce in the fridge, sound good?
         H: Yeah. I’ll be hungry so I’ll get it started.
         –At 7pm–
         H: how long do you think the pasta will take?
         M:I’m not sure, what does the label say?
         H: It says 8 minutes but how long does it take to boil the water?
         M: I’m not sure, 5-10 minutes? I am trying to get out of here…we can cook when I get home?
         H: You aren’t being very helpful. I’m just trying to do something nice.

         And then I come home tired, hungry, with a boyfriend who thinks I’m not doing enough for him. Even though he’s been sitting on my couch for the last 2 hours watching my TV, after he showered in my bathroom instead of at the gym, and has been snacking on my breakfast food while he “waited.”

         1. Well that’s not cool on the BF’s part. But I didn’t read OP’s post like this.

   8. I was you 5 years ago. I had the biglaw schedule, the nice place, the man children pseudo-boyfriends. So many 6-9 month relationships! I’m having major flashbacks. It really stinks.

      Especially the cooking dinner thing. Really?! You don’t have one or two meals that you can cook? You don’t know when pasta is finished?! Really? And don’t get me started on the condition of my kitchen afterwards…grrrr…

      And, yes, these guys bring their laundry over. So while he is doing his, what’s wrong with asking him to throw in a load of towels (half of them were used by him anyway) as his last load finishes? If the sheets have to go in before the housekeeper comes, and he’s still in bed while I’m heading out, why can’t he throw the sheets in the wash?

      I feel you. I really do. I got lucky and found a man who has his own d@mn house that is bigger/nicer/in a better location and switched roles. Now I’m the one lollygagging in bed on housekeeper day and put the sheets in the washer before I leave! He doesn’t even have to remind me–I am an adult.

      1. This is…the most unhelpful response ever. You’re basically saying “ugh why can’t they do all this stuff for me!” and move on to “welp I get to be lazy now so meh”. Like…stop.

         1. It’s called empathy. Maybe you should try it.

         2. Like…. maybe eat a snack or something so you don’t come onto a comment board and act like a jerk to everyone? Your ellipses are not cute. You are not clever. I don’t know if you’re trying sound like a Cool Girl who’s just like, so over drama, but you sound like a twat. Stahp. I like, just can’t with you anymore. Meh. Ugh.

            1. Yeah, this commenter is out of control today. Agreed that he or she needs to eat a snack or take a nap or something.

      2. The pasta story is so familiar. Thanks for making me feel like I’m not alone and there is hope!

   9. I think it’s one thing if these guys are making messes and not cleaning them. But at a certain point you need to do what you’re going to do as if he isn’t there. If you will be home for dinner and want to eat together, plan to order or go out or eat a Lean Cuisine or whatever you would do by yourself. You’re dating, you’re not family.

   10. Why are these guys hanging out at your place when you are not home? I’ve never done that or had a guy do it, unless it was for like 10-30 minutes when he was waiting for me. If they are spending time alone at your place, they have basically moved in. And I wouldn’t want to take that step without talking about it/intending to do so.

       But putting that aside, I also would not want to date these guys. I would propose waiting longer to give them a key, and seeing whether they are able to do basic tasks like figure out dinner before you basically move in together.

       1. Yeah it’s a fair point. I get up between 5 and 6 am to workout so they’re still sleeping when I leave in the morning. That’s kind of how it starts. They hang out all morning, or sometimes it’s their day off so they hang out all day, or sometimes he wants to come over right after work and wait for me and why should he go all the way home (they always live far away) just to turn around and come back…. They just sort of gradually move in by default because it’s more convenient that way.

          1. Why are you dating people you clearly think are losers? If it’s just for the physical stuff call them an Uber and send them home when you’re done.

   11. If they’re asking you for help cooking on a night when you’re working late, that’s a huge no. They’re adults, they can figure it out, or use the phone and order something instead if they don’t want to. But if they’re just asking you what you want and expecting you to have an opinion, it’s possible they’re actually trying to be nice. I do most of the cooking in our house, and when I ask my husband what he wants it’s because I’d like to cook him something he would like to eat. So maybe they’re not asking because they can’t figure it out, but rather because they’re trying to do something nice for you? Just a thought.

   12. Yeah what? No they don’t have to clean your house and girl, bring home take out half the time. You’re treating these men like your maid and you’re not even married. I can’t.

       1. I disagree with this.

          I am married so different but when I worked long hours 6am leave, return at 1 am my husband took care of everything. It was a planned sprint of sprints to a mutual goal so yes different.

          However when we dated there was definitely an “I’ll get it” in late nights. If these guys are basically living there them cleanup after yourself and call in some delivery! OP notes she has a maid an d doesn’t care what they pick.

          I agree with above, OP needs a better vetting process and stop allowing these slackers to basically live in your place. Upgrade a bit in values, pick someone similar alpha or compatible beta.

          Good luck!

8. Any suggestions for letting a negative work experience roll off your back? A very minor client has taken up a very major amount of time and stress. She still isn’t happy with the resolution of the situation though we have all worked hard to meet her requirements. I have taken many, many phone calls and emails with how upset she is. It will all be in the rear view window on Friday (the event will be over) but I’ve actually been sick to my stomach and having actual physical stress symptoms (shallow breathing, heart stops) when I see her phone number. I am trying not to take it personally but I don’t like being yelled at. Any tips for letting it just roll off my back?

   1. Not said with any snark: xanax. I have chewed it in situations like that. To be clear: it is the physical symptoms that I am picking up on here. There is no shame in admitting that you have anxiety and your life will be better if you can find a way to treat it. I find I need it when I am not coping well/happy in other areas of my life and then work stress or a particularly difficult client just puts it over the edge. Otherwise, it sits in my bedside table untouched.

      Otherwise: deep breathing can help a lot. It seems simple but I usually don’t even make it through 10 deep breaths before I feel better enough to move on with my day.

      Once this is behind you and your body has quit throwing all of the stress hormones at you, you will be able to let the next one roll off your back a bit easier. Practice helps.

   2. I disagree with this.

      I am married so different but when I worked long hours 6am leave, return at 1 am my husband took care of everything. It was a planned sprint of sprints to a mutual goal so yes different.

      However when we dated there was definitely an “I’ll get it” in late nights. If these guys are basically living there them cleanup after yourself and call in some delivery! OP notes she has a maid an d doesn’t care what they pick.

      I agree with above, OP needs a better vetting process and stop allowing these slackers to basically live in your place. Upgrade a bit in values, pick someone similar alpha or compatible beta.

      Good luck!

   3. First, be glad this isn’t your boss. I left a tier 1 bank because of this woman who would demean an degrade people. She attempted to make everyone cry, she was well known and is still there. I left after my husband reminded me money wouldn’t make up for me having a heart attack (I had a close call) and it was a happy day when I walked out!

      Second, SHIELDS UP! Limit the amount of airtime and access this woman has. Be unavailable for the rest of the week, allow her calls to go to VM and setup an auto responder if needed for emails. Put up a BIG FENCE around yourself, she doesn’t have the right to come in and take over. WHAT GETS REWARDED GETS REPEATED. (this is the advice I wish I had in above. When you’ve been worn down, you need a reminder to evict the perps ; )

      Third, where is your air cover and management support? Do they know how she is acting and leaving it all on you?

      Fourth, know that this will pass. Channel your future self to remember it is short term and learn what you can on protecting yourself.

      Lots of hugs.

9. My beloved Vince pants (bought on sale) are falling apart. I hate buying pants. Please let me know what has worked for you.

   Things I want: black, small percentage of stretch for comfort and maintaining shape, straight leg, regular (not cropped) length, decent fabric/design/whatever it is that makes pants look nicer (willing to spend a bit, if needed)

   I am a curvy size 6-8. I am fine with having the waist on a nicer pair tailored if needed but I do need something that will fit without making my curvy rear look NSFW.

   Oh how I hate buying pants. Sigh.

   1. Curvy size 4 and I only own one pair of work pants and two pairs of jeans, so following closely! Literally nothing fits both my waist and my hips/my booty! I feel like my thighs look like thunder thighs no matter what! Ugh!!!

      I’ve mostly given up on pants, but the one pair of work pants I have (and love) is from LOFT, it’s their curvy fit (I forget the name). Mine are cropped but they may have non cropped ones.

   2. Mm LaFleur Foster pants

   3. In all seriousness – try Express Editor pants. I’m a curvy 8-10 and that’s all I buy.

10. What are your best canker sore remedies? I get them all the time but this one is particularly painful (it’s on my tongue so any sort of eating/drinking/talking hurts…normally I can just avoid eating on that side of my mouth…not the case with this). It’s been pretty hard to work today with limited ability to talk…

    I’m using orajel and rinsing with saltwater. Like I said, I get them all the time and I’m usually used to them but this one is brutal!

    1. My brother, who is an MD, suggested eating raw garlic for canker sores and I find it helps, though is painful in the moment. So eat hummus, Caesar salad, garlic bread, garlic fries.

       For pain, I spray on Chloraseptic sore throat spray. I think it helps it heal faster than orajel and it numbs long enough to eat dinner. Put a little in a dish and stick your tongue in or swish it around your mouth.

       I used to get canker sores monthly or twice a month. Unasked for advice – Canker sores are a symptom of celiac disease/gluten intolerance. The wheat is literally causing the sore to form. So maybe ask your doctor to check for celiac. I no longer get them unless I’ve eaten gluten by mistake/accidentally.

       1. Thanks for the tips!! I think my monthly canker sore is actually synced up with my period (adding insult to injury)

    2. Ugh, canker sores are the worst. I get them from stress. My dentist gave me a prescription for a numbing mouthwash from a compounding pharmacy. I also switch to all-natural toothpaste and cut out gum and mints when I have a sore, and that seems to help speed their healing.

    3. No remedy suggestion, but I used to get canker sores all the time. I stopped using toothpaste with sodium laurel sulfate (which is present in most kinds of toothpaste) and pretty much stopped getting canker sores

       1. Late to the game but SLS is also a cause for my canker sores and switching toothpaste has also helped me! (I still get them occasionally though – usually spurred by eating too many treats which means that they usually hit around holidays which is a big bummer).

    4. Add an egg white to your saltwater. It is soothing but mainly really helps kill the bacteria in the sore. I used to get them on hormonal BC but never since.

    5. Advil works really well for the pain — it took me YEARS to realize I could just take a pain reliever!

       1. Lots of vitamin B. You can get vitamin B pills, or look up foods that have it.

    6. Baby aspirin (flavored). Press it against the sore and let it dissolve.

    7. Buttermilk. You don’t have to drink a lot. Take a small amount, swish it around and swallow. Do this again. Then do it in the morning and evening and anytime during the day that you can fit in. It works best if you catch it early. Just keep a small carton in your fridge.

11. Hi, does anyone have experience of dealing with ME/CFS? New (probable) diagnosis and I’m scared and confused. Plus I also feel like crap. Oh, and my job is ending so I need to find another whilst pretending not to be fine.

12. hmmn

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