ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Twill Utility Jogger

These utility joggers look like a perfect work-from-home bottom. They have an elastic waistband and a super-soft cotton twill fabric.

I particularly like these because, unlike many of my beloved work-from-home leggings, they have a pocket where you can stash your phone as you wander from your desk to the refrigerator for the millionth time. (Or is this just me? For some reason, I always expect that new snacks are going to materialize.)

The pants are $79.50 and come in sizes XXS–XXL. They also come in navy, off-white, and black. Twill Utility Jogger

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

466 Comments

  1. At the urging of some of you, I went to the dentist today. The receptionist did not have on a mask. I stood there for about 3 minutes probably 6 feet away and she was behind a haphazard plexiglass wall. I had on a KN95. I started getting nervous and then they walked me back to the “rooms” which turned out to be cubicles. The guy next to me was less than 10 feet away with no walls or anything in between. He had on no mask because his teeth were being cleaned. I sat down for maybe 30 seconds before panicking and running outside. Was I wrong to leave? Was I likely exposed?

    1. You were not likely exposed based on the number of people there (2 – receptionist and other patient). You were right to leave. At my dentist the receptionist is behind a relatively high plexiglass barrier and wearing a mask. Dentist and dental hygienists are in N95s, with face shields and disposable gowns. Changed after each patient. Plexiglass barriers have been added between the ‘cubicles’ and they are seeing half the normal amount of patients (or less) to allow for more spacing and time between patients to clean thoroughly.

      1. +1
        My dentist’s office has windows and they were always cracked open when I was there (it’s an old building) and all the staff were in full PPE. One patient in the office at a time, the dentist, and an assistant who also served as a receptionist. My dentist had on an N95 and a surgical mask on top of that.

        If you are in NYC and need a recommendation, let me know.

      2. Unlikely that you were exposed. Leaving was a good idea. You need a new dentist. Check dentist offices’ Facebook pages and web info. The ones making an effort will display that info prominently.

        I had to get a new dentist because of this kind of thing, and am now happily driving over an hour to get to one that is taking extraordinary precautions, even to the point that for those with a great deal of concern, they will schedule it so that the patient, the dentist, and the dental hygienist are the only ones in the office at the time of the appointment. That’s in Nashville, by the way, if anyone needs a good recommendation.

      3. At my dentists office they are masked and wearing face shields. My dentist took the time to explain to me their enormous investment in ventilation equipment, which I could see, and the training he and staff had on properly fitting masks.

        I would have done the same as OP in that situation.

    2. Ugh, that sounds like a bad dentist. At mine, they were taking utmost precautions (no one in waiting room, receptionist had mask + shield + plexiglass, hygienists in full body suits + mask + shield). Like normal times, each chair is in its own room with walls and a door. Sounds like you should try a different dentist!

      The chance that you actually inhaled an infectious dose of Covid from a well-masked 5 minutes in the office seems small to me.

    3. As per contact tracing guidance, you would not be considered a high risk contact for contracting.

      But oh yuck. Yeah, I wouldn’t have felt good there! See, my dentist has individual rooms, my hygienist was wearing a face mask, N95+ surgical mask over which she changed between every patient + she puts on a new full snap up coat (sanitized) between each patient. They also had fans in window and had changed their airflow patterns. The receptionists wear masks and have full Plexiglass partitions.

      Ask friends. I would find a better situation.

    4. You were not likely exposed at all and you were not wrong to leave. I’m sorry you had such a bad experience

    5. That dentists office is terrible! I would not go back again and would report to the health department.

      That being said, I don’t think you have to worry about exposure

    6. You were very much in the right to leave! I switched dentists in the middle of the pandemic for exactly that reason. Try again with a different dentist and ask a bunch of questions about their setup and precautions when you schedule the appointment.

    7. You were smart to leave. You will probably be fine. Ask around for a different dentist!

    8. You were right to leave. I went for a dentist visit about a month or so ago. I checked in online and waited in my car til called in. All receptionists had masks and were very careful to have limited / no contact during the check-in and check-out process, the waiting area was free of magazines, etc. All rooms were individual rooms, the hygienist and technician both wore N95 masks with face shields over them that they noted were specially designed for the needs of dental professionals (the hygienist even showed me that they had a stock of them that they cleaned / disinfected). I doubt you were exposed in a meaningful way if you were only there for 30 seconds before leaving, but still … there should have been a divider of some sort or they should have placed the people much farther apart. I’m sorry this happened to you, and if you so desire, I think it’s appropriate to say something to the practice.

      1. No, that dental office is crazypants. People breathing unmasked 10 feet apart for an extended period of time = an invitation to COVID infection.

      3. Y’all meaning the poster I’m responding to need to get your head out of the sand. Look at the per capita case count in your area. The growth in the last few weeks has been astounding in all regions, but particularly in the upper Midwest where they have been much more lax until now about masks and social distancing. Look at the stats.

        Y’all are not enough.

        1. Are there any readers from South Dakota here? That state is completely crazytown now.

          1. I’m not from there but much of my extended family are. Judging from their Facebook posts, no one can force them to wear masks, they will not give their business to places requiring them, COVID-19 is just the flu, and Donald Trump was re-elected.

    11. As long as you kept your mask on, I would not worry, but I would have left too.

    12. You were absolutely correct to leave, and I would have too.
      I was very nervous going to my dentist, but they were doing everything they could to keep us as safe as possible. They already had individual treatment rooms. All dentists were wearing both N95 and surgical masks. Desk employees behind plexiglass and wearing surgical masks. They asked me to spit out the water I was using to swish into a cup, rather than the sink like I normally would.
      Definitely find another dentist who makes you feel comfortable.

      1. I’m in IL, and this was the same at my dentist. In addition, I was asked to use a mouthwash before they began any work. All of the equipment was covered in plastic. Everyone had face shields. And I could hear air going the whole time–he had completely redone his HVAC.

        I would have left your dentist immediately as well.

    13. Curious where you live. For reference, we are in MA.

      I just went to the dentist last week, and my kids have all gone (different practice). In both offices, they schedule ONLY the number of patients they can see completely separately. At the pedi practice, it’s 2 (one in the side room, one in a main room that they’ve curtained off- both have doors). Dentists and hygienists are wearing masks and face shields on top.

      Reception is masked and completely behind plexiglass and won’t accept anything other than contactless payments (they are sending bills home). They have closed the waiting room and have people wait in cars and fill out a COVID screener online, then text to enter the building.

    14. I’m in Virginia for those asking. My mom recently went to the dentist an hour away and her experience sounds much like what is being described here.

      1. I just want to say I’m proud of you for leaving. I’m someone that freezes at times in those situations. I think oh this is really bad but then I just feel stuck and go through with it. I’m proud of you! I hope you called and told them why you left. You shouldn’t get charged for a missed appointment!

      2. I’m in VA and went to the dentist a couple weeks ago–it was exactly like what everyone else is describing. I’m so glad you walked out of yours!

      3. Near Tysons, if that is close enough for you: Dr. Sanae Berrada. I can only speak for the location off of route 7, but it was meeting the standards described by hour as of July, when I had my last appointment with them. They’ll be happy to go over their practices with you over the phone.

    15. That sounds awful. You were right to leave. Please consider leaving a review on yelp or the like to warn others. At my dentist everyone has so much PPE they look like they’re doing open heart surgery, I think this should be the standard considering virus particles would be aerosolized.

    16. I had the following in place or verified before seeing the dentist:

      – I asked for the first appointment of the day at 7a.m. with no other patients there yet. (I’m a long-term client and my whole family and in-laws go/have gone there for 20+ years. I’m also a cancer patient, which they know, so I asked for special accommodations.) If I was a new patient and couldn’t get assurances that I would be the only patient there, I’d still get the first appointment of the day to minimize airborne particles generated by prior patients.

      -From research I’ve read, most airborne viral particles would have died or at least fallen to the floor over night. I didn’t touch any surface and sanitized my hands several times and before touching my clothes or face or mask.

      -The office is set up like cubicles with no doors but a room divider bookcase type thing between chairs. The dentist installed some kind of air purification system that they say cleans the air every 20 minutes or something, which they say is proven to work. I don’t know if it works or not.

      -The receptionist was both behind the Plexiglas divider and wearing a mask. The hygienist was wearing a mask and a face shield. I didn’t see the dentist – he reviewed the Xrays later and I’ll see him next visit, which I’m comfortable with because I have few dental issues.

      I think that it would be unwise for everyone to postpone treatment until they personally get a vaccine, so with these protections it seems prudent to go in.

      1. I agree about seeing the dentist if you can.
        My NYC dentist had similar measures in place (greatly reduced numbers of patients (ie. i was the only person there); the reception folks had masks plus a plexiglass shield; each patient is separated by walls (again, nobody else there, other than dentist, hygienist and the reception folks in a large space).

        I still felt weird taking off the mask indoors (because it’s been 7 months of masking and distancing!!) but otherwise felt so good to get my teeth cleaned (my appt was for 2 weeks after NYC went on shut down so it legit had been a year since my teeth had been cleaned).

        for the hygienist, they had a new silicone adapter on the in mouth vacuum so that it could constantly suck air out instead of letting my spit particles go up towards her face

  2. What do you think is the best habit you’ve developed? How did you make it a habit? I realized recently other than a few things like brushing my teeth, I’ve very few habits as an adult and am all over the place with sleeping, waking, meals, exercise time and that seeps into other areas of my life too… Which is not going great. Thanks!

    1. I got into the habit of ~daily working out as a teenager, and shortly thereafter got into very healthy eating habits. I’m 32 now and these things are completely reflexive now. For me on the exercise front, I just set rules and stuck to them with very rare exceptions. For example, I absolutely must work out 30 min 6 days a week. if that means it’s 10p and I haven’t worked out yet, I’m going for a 30 min run. At this stage I don’t need to be that rigid and the habit is still there. As an adult with a demanding work schedule and travel 4-5 days a week (although not anymore….) I can’t quite commit to a certain time of day or even working out every day, but there’s some muscle memory that makes the activation energy quite low.

      1. These are both habits I wish I had developed. I’m 41 and trying now – I guess it’s never too late to start!

        1. I’m 43 and for the first time in my life I’ve started exercising regularly. I guess one good thing about WFH is that I’ve finally gotten into a routine of working out first thing in the morning and then showering, getting ready for the day. It’s not too late!

    2. I read before bed every night instead of being on screens/watching TV, and try and get outside everyday even if it’s cold or terrible.

      But I think the best thing is to pick one habit and commit to it rather than trying to change everything at once. Ie. commit to waking up at 7am everyday. Your bedtime will naturally get earlier, etc.

    3. Skin care. At 35 (aka last year) I had a heart to heart with my derm and admitted I had no idea what I was doing. Don’t shade me, but I was just lazy – I’d go to bed with a full face of makeup on the regular. I had major underlying hormonal acne my whole life that was never under control so kind of took this “who cares?” approach since I was never going to have nice skin.

      She gave me a regimen of three fairly simple steps with specific products in the morning and three steps in the afternoon. It took a few weeks, but now I’m 100% hooked and it’s squarely habit. It became a habit after doing it religiously for about 4-6 weeks. It was closer to the 4 week mark that I noticed a fairly significant improvement/difference, and now I can’t imagine going back.

      For me, I think habits tend to form when I see a desired result, even if only an incremental improvement.

      1. Do you put it on if you stay inside? I work remotely from a room with skylights, and wonder if I should be applying sunscreen despite not leaving the house. Searches have given me answers ranging from “No, that’s insanely over the top” to “Of course, if you’re awake you should be wearing it.”

        1. Idk about the OP, but I always use moisturizer with spf on my face. I figure that’s good enough for most days

        2. I do. I don’t know if I might step out side at some point in the day despite my WFH, plus it moisturizes. And, on the topic of habits, I like to do it every day just to be mechanical about it so that I don’t unintentionally fall out of habit.

        3. Yes always. Light comes in my windows, I try to go outside most days, and in winter it’s in my moisturizer which I def don’t want to skip.

          1. Is it UV light? I always assumed it doesn’t count if filtered through the window. But IDK.

          2. UV light definitely gets in through untreated windows. That is why posters always fade.

          4. And why truckers are warned against skin cancer, specifically on the left arm! My trucker uncle pointed this out – it had never occurred to me!

    5. I read before bed every night, no screens. I also learned to attach a new habit to an existing one, ie, heel lifts while brushing teeth, a few squats while cooking, or waiting for toast/coffee to finish. I also committed to gym 3x week on a real l schedule, during shutdown that became long walks outside in all weather. For me, I have to have a set time for exercise (most stuff!) or it gets pushed off.

    6. Flossing.

      I saw a guy in his 30s with full dentures. At the time, I was in my late 20s. Single. Flat-chested. Pear-shaped. Not the most attractive person (I lived where it seemed like there were 5 really pretty women for every so-so guy, so the odds were never good to begin with). Good at math. I figured — I look like a rock star compared to how fetching I’d be at my age with dentures. And so I flossed. Religiously. It is the only good habit that I’ve ever actually adopted long-term and consistently (see, closet of athletic clothes gathering dust).

      New dentists always seem shocked that someone who claims to floss actually shows evidence of regular flossing. AND if you are on the fence about it, I feel like I have no discernable morning breath and attribute it to just having a lot less gunk along my gumlines percolating overnight.

      1. Yep, I think flossing is mine too. My teeth are awful for reasons beyond my control, but I can control whether or not I floss!

      2. I started flossing when I was 30 and I’m now 54. No one else I know flosses regularly.

          2. I don’t think I would know who of my friends flosses and who doesn’t. I know my husband does, because we share a bathroom (duh). But anyone else? No, I don’t really know.

      3. I love flossing! It feels so good. And I added a waterpik a few years ago, which just helps my mouth feel so clean after.

    7. Two things, waking up at the same time every day, and working out in the morning (except for 1 rest day). If I do those two things it really helps everything else falls into place.

    8. Getting braces in my 30s made me take immaculate care of my teeth. I floss and brush every night before putting my retainer trays in, which I wear faithfully years after getting the braces off. Turns out all it takes to get me to buckle down is forking over 9 grand.

      (I also tried a Waterpik, which seems to do nothing, much to my disappointment. Maybe my teeth are too tight? I just didn’t get the same results I get from flossing.)

      1. Regarding the Waterpik, I brush, floss and then Waterpik and chunks of food still come out! Chunks! I aim it mostly at my gumline, and that’s where flossing can’t reach as well. Clearly, for me, brushing and flossing do not get everything out.

        And +1 to the comment about morning breath/bad breath. That usually is from something still stuck in your teeth or gums.

    9. Making my bed! I started when I studied abroad and lived in a home stay because it felt rude not to. Now I literally never leave my house without a made bed.

      I also started taking a vitamin every night (well, vitamin, allergy pill, and birth control pill… vitamin and allergy started around the same time, but I was terrible about being consistent with my birth control before) right before bed. It’s the most consistent I’ve ever been with medication before!

      There’s other things I do 80-90% of the time (stretch every morning, drink 64oz of water, etc).

      I finally started wfh this month and my city is back on lockdown. Hoping to use this extra time to reestablish my fitness and reading routines.

      1. I’ve always made my bed since I moved into a studio right out of college. When your bed is the dominant feature in your living space, having it be nice and neat becomes much more important.

      2. I am the complete opposite: when I get up, I throw my covers completely open to air out. It dumbfounds me that it’s “correct” to trap the night’s moisture and odors into your bedding.

        1. Anon at 9:23 here – making my bed is the last step in my morning routine. I wake up, workout, get ready and then make my bed so it has about an hour to air out first.

          1. Same, I typically have breakfast, wash my face, brush my teeth, do my makeup, get dressed, and then make my bed! My boyfriend, on the other hand, wants to make the bed right after getting up. Honestly, I’ve chosen not to argue with him about which way is correct (even though mine totally is), he only does it like 2-3 times a week – basically any time I get up first or we get up together – and I’m just happy to not have to do it all the time.

        2. To Anon who throws covers back – I do the same. We’ve been in that bed all night!

          As a concession to neatness, I do fold everything back neatly but it’s definitely at least the top 2/3 folded back for airing.

    10. Making the bed and automated savings (my mom, bless her, showed me how to do it when I got my first pay check). I wish I was one of those people who work out consistently, but I like that I always pay myself first and was able to buy a home on my own thanks to that.

    11. Exercising 5 days a week. It’s become pretty essential for me to feel good and on top of things.

    12. I do the dishes as soon as dinner is over, and “close the kitchen” for the night before moving on to the rest of the evening’s activities (heh like watching TV or doing jigsaw puzzles). It’s so nice to wake up to a clean kitchen every morning. When my son was still at home, his job was to clear the table and keep me company while I cleaned up, and that made it easy and enjoyable to develope the habit.

      I also make my bed every single morning and have ever since I can remember. I assume my mom was a bed-making stickler.

      And yes, pay myself first. Fortunately with direct deposit I only had to think about it once and now it happens automatically.

    13. When I first walk into the kitchen in the morning to make coffee, I drink a big glass of water and take my calcium supplement. I grew up in the 70s when we were probably all chronically dehydrated because you just didn’t drink water, so this was something I had to learn to do consciously. Then if I don’t hydrate well during the day, I at least started off on a good foot and I got my calcium too. I maybe miss 1-2 mornings a month, and I notice it if I do.

    14. I’ve flossed daily and drunk a lot of water since I was an adult. Now I can’t not do those things.

    15. For personal grooming etc, skincare. I haven’t gone to bed without my full face washing routine in years.

      For work, keeping a good list of to-dos and working from that daily. My to-do items are small and achievable – if part of a bigger project or goal, they are small steps I can do in a day. I keep mine in a very non-Pinterest worthy bullet type journal. I’ve been doing it for years.

      1. Also, I make my bed every morning, but lately I’ve been intentionally letting it air while I shower and get ready. Then I make it as my last step. I understand this is better for killing dust mites.

    16. I exercise almost every day – ideally this includes at least an hour run or a long hike.

  3. I work in healthcare and every year my office gets gift baskets for the staff of the inpatient units and clinics that are open over the holidays – normally I just order something from Harry & David, but this year I’m trying to avoid baskets where there are shared containers of popcorn or boxes of chocolate. Anyone have any leads on gift baskets full of individually wrapped treats? We’re also doing individual cash gifts and our chief medical officer specifically wants to also do gift baskets, so opting out entirely is not an option, unfortunately.

    2. Fairy Tale Brownies have individually wrapped items and are SO YUMMY. Also super easy to order and quick delivery (w/in 1-2 business days).

      1. I have very positive memories of unwrapping one of these in the middle of the night after I had my first kid, every night until they were all gone.

    4. Milk Bar Cookies come individually wrapped in tins. They were a big hit at our office last year.

    6. I am normally never a person to recommend fruit when sweets are on the table, but I think Harry and David pears are just the best.

      1. I know! I normally like to order from them because there’s so much junk food floating around the hospital this time of year that it gets kind of nauseating. But their gift baskets all include bags of popcorn or other treats not individually wrapped. Maybe I can squeeze the budget to include some cookies/brownies recommended above and then add on just the pears…

      2. Haha my sweet husband is the most easygoing person in the world, but for some reason he HATES pears with a passion and becomes unreasonably enraged when, inevitably, he gets a Harry and David pears box every year at Christmas.

    7. A very small business near my hometown that I couldn’t recommend more:

      https://www.goodiescandies.com/Turtles.html

      I specifically linked to their turtles, becuase they are AMAZING and what they’re famous for in my neck of the woods. The dark chocolate pecan is my favorite. The other items are also fantastic, but aren’t always individually wrapped (i.e. a typical box of truffles).

  4. I’m shopping for my church’s secret santa program. Along with essential basics (clothes, winter gear, school supplies…) I have to get fun stuff too: a book (okay, the kid may not think books are fun, I know) and ~3 toys. Can the wise hive provide me with some ideas for a 8 year old boy who likes “super heroes, basketball, games, football”? Are there any great book series for 2-3 third grade boys?

      1. I was thinking graphic novels are making a big comeback, I just don’t know which titles to look for. Hilariously I don’t know why I didn’t immediately consider actual sports-balls.

          1. I wonder if I would lose cool points if I gave him throw-back Calvin and Hobbes…

          2. My son at that age LOVED Calvin and Hobbes and unfortunately was a bit too much like Calvin! I bought him the Calvin and Hobbes anthology and he spent hours with it.

            I will say that while books are a great gift, they are not a great only gift for a kid that age. I would also give the kid something he can play with immediately, like a small lego set.

      2. My eight year old loves reading my husband’s old Calvin and Hobbes and Garfield books. Garfield is a little snarky for my tastes, but she laughs uproariously at it.

    2. My kids loved the “Who Was” series — there are a lot about mainstream celebrities (if alive, it is a “Who is” book).

    3. The Humphrey the hamster books are perfect for this age group. I would get the original book and then some with appealing topics.

    4. Yes would definitely get him a basketball or a football. Also, maybe one of those over the door basketball hoops? It’s not a great year for playing outside with other kids but this way he could “play” basketball.

    5. The dog man, wimpy kid, Nate the Great, and bad guys series are trashy junk but SUPER popular with my 3rd grader. Spy school, Artemis Fowl, and the Lemocello series are also popular but more advanced.
      In terms of gifts, there’s a flat hover soccer ball set on Amazon I’m getting for kids in our family. Lego kits, the more difficult marble runs (gravitrax), bey blades, bakugans, and stuff like slack lines/can jam are also popular.

      2. Second all these (source: a now fourth grader). Big Nate is a comic so even non-readers love it. Captain Underpants is the trashiest thing with toilet humor but my kid has literally fallen off the sofa laughing reading it. Dog man is by the same author. Wimpy kid is irreverent and funny.
        Soccer balls are very popular and hardly cost $10, even my younger daughter loved it (and she has not been into sports or soccer). If nothing else, a bouncy ball which lights up when it strikes the ground (optional: with glitter inside) will make for a few hours of fun (until it gets lost).

    6. My 8 year old boy loves graphic novels – Diary of a Wimpy Kid series (I think there is a new one out) and the 13 Story Treehouse series are favorites. (Caveat that he is a strong reader for his age, but these are popular for a reason). Nonfiction is also good – for a bigger gift, you could look for a Guinness Book of World records-type sports book, or maybe something with a video game tie in. If you can do a a magazine subscription, there is a Sports Illustrated for Kids.

    7. My 2nd grade boy LOVES Big Nate books and of course the ubiquitous Diary of A Wimpy Kid. Also loves Calvin and Hobbes – we have the “full set” and each of my kids has read them obsessively in turn.

    8. My 8-year-old struggling reader loves Captain Underpants and Dog-Man. In your shoes, I would actually get a couple of Where’s Waldo or Highlights Maze books though. These are a huge hit with my 8-year-old and his peers. It also means the child will get to enjoy them no matter what his reading level is. It would be a real bummer for my dyslexic 8-year-old to get a novel he couldn’t read for Christmas. As for toys, stomp rockets are always a hit.

      1. Where’s Waldo books have some serious staying power in our house and it’s something that a couple of people can enjoy at once.

    9. The first Harry Potter book in the illustrated edition. Harry Potter has been an entry into the world of reading for fun for literally millions!

    10. Maybe slightly advanced based on his reading ability, but my son at 8 enjoyed the Nathan Hale books. They are graphic novels about US history and include some gross stuff which is super appealing to my son. Also, the Lunch Lady books are fun, but they are quick to get through. I second Captain Underpants and Dogman. Also the HiLo series is cute too.

    11. There are a lot of great ideas about footballs/basketballs/stomp rocket but keep in mind that he might not have a safe place to play outside (quite possibly ever, but probably even more likely if/when parks, playgrounds and rec centers close down again due to covid). Definitely make sure you get him some toys that can be played with inside!

  5. I’m 31, dating a 47 year old. I never thought I’d date someone more than 5 years older. I’m a lawyer, I make low 6 figures, he’s a business owner and makes mid 6 figures (but it varies). I’ve known him 2 years, dated for almost all 2020. I’m terrified about introducing him to my family because of his age. He’s not pushing me, but I know he would like to meet them. I hate the idea because a) he’s older than all my siblings and b) part of me still can’t believe the age gap. A few friends have met him and really like him – he treats me well, is in great shape, we have similar life plans – but I’m still nervous. My family is doing virtual holidays this year so it would only be an hour. Any advice for either bringing him or telling him I want to wait?

    1. Channel your inner dude. My cousin (divorced) got together with a much younger yoga instructor and brought her anywhere. It didn’t seem to bother her (he is objectively a good catch, more so for someone who may be in an iffy financial situation due to career choices). If the yoga instructor is OK with this, why not you? Is dude not a good catch even though you’re in a better place, career-wise?

    2. I am no relationship expert (married my husband after about 5 minutes) but I think you need to spend 2 hours alone with a notepad and pen and decide if you can live with this age gap. I’d do it before he catches on to the fact that you’re embarrassed by it and it negatively impacts your relationship.

      1. Second this. If there’s something deeper at work here, I can’t see it; I think you’d need to do some digging to find it. Barring that, I see nothing wrong with introducing him to your family, especially if virtually.

        1. The fact that OP is hesitant to introduce her boyfriend to her family is a sign that something deeper is going on.

          1. I disagree; I think it genuinely could just be nerves. Can’t know without some introspection though.

      2. Third this. if you’re nervous and terrified, then maybe he’s not the right person, no matter the age gap.

    3. If he’s “your person”, go for it and introduce him (even if it’s virtually). You have to be confident in your relationship in order to face the inevitable questions from your family about the age gap. For me, I’m 44 and my boyfriend is 31. We’ve been dating 5 years and live together with my tween son. He makes me happier than any previous relationship/marriage I have been in; and it shows. Our families were vocal at first, but they see how happy we are and that matters most.

    4. You like him, he treats you well, it doesn’t sound like there’s any power imbalance in the relationship. With the information you’ve given, anyone who decides to be a jerk on account of his age is telling you more about them than you, him or your relationship.

    5. One of my friends is married to someone 15 years older than she is. If you hear about the age difference it may seem weird on paper, but when you meet him in person he is attractive and doesn’t seem “old” so nobody thinks twice. Honestly people are different in motion, so it may not be weird.

      1. One of my friends is married to a man who is older than her father. And friend and her husband are not the same race, either. It was a little rough with her family at first, but everyone got on board, and they seem an entirely natural couple to me. They have a daughter together, too.

        It probably helps that he is from an extremely long-lived family, and it seems most members of his family are fairly vigorous well into old age. Right now he’s about 80 but seems a good 10 years younger, and she’s 54. They’ve had some issues along the way, but I think they were more attributable to personality classes rather than age.

    6. I think if you want a long term future, or want to explore having a long term future with this guy, then you introduce him to your family. Assuming your family relationship is average, your family will be on your side. I think that means they might be a bit skeptical at first but once they see that you love each other and are a good fit, they’ll be more fully on your side. These sorts of relationships definitely can work. A friend has a similar age gap with her husband (she was early 20s when they met and he was late 30s). They dated for 3ish years and have been married for about 10 years and have two kids. She’s late 30s now and husband turned 50 recently.

    7. Either bring him or dump him. You’ve been together long enough there is no reason to keep hiding him. And I wouldn’t just show up with him as a surprise that’s really unfair to him. Start telling your family. Or break up with a guy you seem really into because you’re scared.

    8. I think first you need to decide if you are ok with the age gap, in the long term. If you want a family, he would be close to 50 before a kid is on the scene. That means around 75 at first high school graduation. Are you ok with that. You will be mid 50s when he is in his 80s. Are you ok with that? He is likely to need some sort of care while you are still in your working years. Are you ok with that? If you are truly ok with the age difference, long term, introduce hime to your family. If you are not, and you are just enjoying the moment, don’t.

        1. Oops. I meant college graduation. Kid when he is in early 50s plus 23-24 years at college grad (old compared to what most on this board think is typical, but 6 years is now the norm for college completion).

        1. Lol I’ve been scratching my head trying to figure out how OP’s boyfriend started aging at an exponential rate

          1. Somehow she’s 31 and he’s 47 but eventually she’ll be in her 50s and he’ll be in his 80s!

          2. to be fair, she will be in her 50s and he in his 80s eventually… just not at the same time lol

          3. Right? Like even when she’s 59, he’ll only be 75. That’s not the same as 85.

      3. +1. I dated a guy 19 years older than me in my 20s, and it wasn’t a big deal since our lives were in similar places, but we didn’t want the same things (I wanted kids, he didn’t) and eventually broke up because of that. My husband is 8 years older, and we met in my early 30s. Now that I am in my mid-40s and he is over 50, and we have a child, I worry about the age gap a bit more. We might have had a second child if he was a little younger, but he was worried he’d be too old to be a good parent.

      4. If he’s 50 when the kids arrive then he would be late 60s at high school graduation, not 75. Still older but 9:32 anon your math is wrong repeatedly. It’s an 18 year gap not a 30 year gap

      5. Math aside, all of this. If you want him in your life in the big picture, go for it. If the age is a deal breaker for you in the long term, don’t introduce him. This is about your position, not anyone else’s.

      6. When I was 25 I married somebody who was 17 years older than I was. Our son was born when I was 28 and he was 45. We had a lot of issues but the age gap wasn’t really one of them. He’s still alive and going reasonably strong at 78, going to be 79 next month. At this point I’m 62 and the age gap doesn’t seem as big as it did in the beginning. I imagine in another 10 years, though,when I’m 72 and he’s 89, it will seem bigger again.

        He’s always been a great dad to our son, who is now 34. (Although I admit when I got to be 45, I just shook my head in wonderment that anybody would want to become a first time parent at that age! But that was probably because at that point I was worn out by being the mom of a teenager.)

    9. Do YOU think the age gap is a problem? Or are you just worried about what your family will think? I wouldn’t bring up his age at all and it would be very rude for them to ask in front of him. They might ask you at some point, I suppose, but I wouldn’t assume they are going to be super critical. You’re a real adult, you know who you are, it’s not like he’s preying on you. The main concerns I’d expect to hear from family are about the future – 1) children and 2) elder care. Kids aren’t an issue if you’re childfree; if you want kids then this kind of age gap presents obvious issues. For (2), everyone ages at a different pace. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that he won’t be able to keep up with you when he’s 80 and you’re 64, for example. Committing to care for someone in sickness and health is kind of part of a long term commitment, and there’s no way to know which one of you will slow down first.

    10. My husband and I have a similar age gap. The only actual effect it had on our relationship is that we started having kids after one year of marriage. I probably would have waited longer if we were the same age.

      The age gap is only an issue if you make it one, and it is perfectly okay for it to be a dealbreaker for you! But my general view is that if you like someone special who treats you well, shares your values, and has similar goals in life, you should marry that person!

    11. I’m childfree so I would think nothing of this age gap, but I know that’s uncommon.

      I’d get to the root of why you’re so worked up. Is your family historically judgmental or hard on you? Are they pushing you for grandkids? What made you introduce him to friends, but keep him away from your family?

    12. If I had been dating someone for over a year, and they didn’t want to introduce me to their family on video, I would be upset. Last year, I dated someone for about 5 months and he actively avoided mentioning me to his parents — like lied to them on the phone about where he was when he was at my place, didn’t mention me when we went on a trip together, and it was upsetting. It wasn’t THE reason I ended it, but it certainly made it clear that this was not something he was taking seriously.

    13. If you’ve been dating for almost all of 2020, I think it’s probably time to introduce him to your family. How will the age gap come up? Does he look almost 50 or could he pass for 40? The fact that he’s in great shape is a good sign. One of DH’s kayaking buddies is regularly gets mistaken for at least 10 years younger than he is because many people assume 60s = old and grandpa-ish not ‘super into sea kayaking and back country skiing’. He’s 63, DH is 44 and you’d never think he was more than 10 years older than DH, max. And you’d definitely never think he’s only a couple years younger than my mid 60s basically home bound parents. DH’s ex-boss also married a guy who was in his mid 60s when she was in her late 40s. It’s a 16 year age gap I think. They do skiing vacations all the time. He’s retired but super active. It will eventually be an issue but she’s made peace with the fact that she will likely outlive him.

      People who are very active and health don’t necessarily live a ton longer than inactive people but their later years are often quite different. They are often mobile and in good health up into their mid 70s, it’s only towards late 70s, early 80s that they become more infirm vs inactive people like my parents who can be significantly limited/borderline infirm from mid-60s onwards.

    14. i agree that this gap is going to become more pronounced as you age. i have relatives dealing with this right now and while there are obviously no guarantees in life, this is a 16 year age difference. my father is currently 71. he is in very good shape (runs, plays tennis), but is a completely different person than a 55 year old. my mom was five years younger and she got unlucky in life, so she passed away first at age 65. my great uncle is 90 and his significant other is in her 70s and they are completely different life stages. again, everyone ages so differently, you have no idea what other health issues you might have, etc. but depending on what you want in life, it is likely you will be widowed early or if you are the one who is struggling and need him as a caregiver for you that could be a challenge. my kids are currently only toddlers, but i feel like as a parent i’d be freaked out if they brought home someone with a 16 year age difference

    15. Not the advice you asked for:

      A 47 year old man who dates a woman for 2 years without meeting her family or without popping the question is a serial monogamist. Nothing wrong with that if it’s what you’re looking for, too. Otherwise, understand that he is not The One and it’s time to move on.

      Don’t ask me how I know this. It involves a lot of warnings from older friends that I ignored and being dumped over the phone a year into it.

    16. I am in a similar age gap and worried about this for a second. Once my family met him, they got it and made comments that someone more mature was more well suited for me.

      1. Came back to add that everyone is mapping out the rest of your life with this dude when you are just asking about a family intro. Enjoy the dating and think about these long haul things later. You will figure it out as you go along.

    17. If you are nervous about introducing him to your family, there’s either something wrong with the relationship or something wrong with your family. Figure out which one it is.

    18. I also think there is something deeper going on here than you being worried about the age difference. It’s a bit odd to me that you are talking so specifically about earnings before talking about being scared to introduce him to your family. Is there something besides the age difference that is worrying you re: your family judging him?

      FWIW, my parents were 8 years apart in age — Mom older. They would have been married 58 years this week. My Dad — the younger one — had a fatal stroke out of the blue a few months ago. You never know what life is going to be like years from now.

      1. I got the feeling that she was more emphasizing that she’s not just with him for his money which is the trope of the older wealthy guy and the younger woman.

    19. It sounds like you are really uncomfortable with the age gap, and I’d explore that a bit more. I’d also be thinking about what introducing a boyfriend to the family means to you — it sounds like you may view that as a pretty significant milestone and an indicator of a serious relationship. Only you can know whether this is a relationship that you want for the long-term.

    20. I get it. I rarely brought guys home to meet my family so it was a big deal for me anytime I did it. I would feel a bit worried as well. Does he look significantly older than you – maybe just introduce him and if they ask, you can tell them like it is no big deal. Also, I know several couples with a similar age gap and so I think it is more common that you think! I don’t think age should be a deal breaker per se unless you just can’t get comfortable with it. Good luck!

    21. You need to decide if the age gap works for you. There is a 14 year age gap between my husband and I, and when we first start dating and introducing to family etc, it was weird. Now we have been married for 5 plus years and no one bats an eyelid (including us). I also second the other commenter above that some people seem “old” or “young” and whether this age gap will be noticeable will probably depend much more on whether he seems “old” and you seem “young”. For reference, I am younger then my husband but appear “older” and he appears “younger” (not just physically, but personality wise). I think most people think we balance somewhere in the middle.

    22. Remember, it’s not always about the size of the age gap, it’s also whether there’s a stage of life difference. If the ages were shifted 10 years younger, where he was 37 and you were 21, it would definitely be weird. At this point, you’re both functional adults, and as long as you have similar timelines, and he’s not gonna push for marriage or kids before you feel ready, it’s unlikely going to cause a big issue.

      The only issue I could foresee is that he might use his age as a trump card in arguments – “I’m older, I’m wiser, I have more experience and I know more than you, therefore I’m right and you’re wrong.” That would be a major red flag, but if he considers your point of view in disagreements, then it’s fine. The other red flag I’d look for is whether he rolls his eyes at the stuff you enjoy, like you’re sooooo immature for liking stuff most women in their late 20’s/early 30’s like right now.

    23. I recently dated someone with that exact age gap and because of sexism, no one batted an eye. He was also extremely good looking so I didn’t look like a trophy wife or anything. The 30s to 40s age gap is no big deal. However, now that I’m older and my parents are in their 60s, I realize that 60 is still very young and I wouldn’t want to deal with that age gap later in life.
      I’m now dating someone 10 years younger and get way more s–t for that, even though the age gap is significantly less than it was with the last guy. It’s all good natured though, I don’t think anyone really cares as long as both parties are consenting adults and there is not a huge power imbalance.
      I definitely don’t think you should wait–I agree with the advice to invite him or breakup.

  6. I think your math is off here, no?

    It’s a 16 year age gap, not a 30 year one!

    I think the age gap is fine and would not hesitate to introduce him to my family over that. However, the poster above raises a good point. He’ll be an old dad. You will likely have to spend your retirement caretaking, as opposed to traveling or whatever. He’ll be retired and you’ll have to keep working for a while. You’ll likely be a young widow.

    1. This. The age gap may not seem like much now, but it will be enormous when he’s 86 and you’re 70. If you want an active retirement, it will be impossible.

      1. In my community, I know lots of men in their upper 70’s and early 80’s who are in as good or better shape than I am in my mid 40’s. Any local 5k (pre-COVID) has a competitive 75-79 age group. Don’t underestimate the old dudes.
        I don’t see this in women of the same age, but I suspect that will change as the first generation to benefit from Title IX hits their upper 60s and 70s.

        1. Those dudes are the lucky outliers. The vast majority of 86-year-old men are not going to be able to keep up with a 76-year-old woman, let alone a 70-year-old one. My MIL is only 9 years younger than FIL and both are following a similar aging trajectory. When he hit 80, his ability to keep up with her started to decline, and she’s been increasingly frustrated with the limitations this imposes on their lifestyle.

  7. Has anyone heard of Stio? It is an outdoor / skiing catalog (maybe more). All the thing are so pretty (and amazingly expensive). I feel trapped at home and getting so much FOMO re my need to up my outdoor activities b/c that is all I can do right now. The catalogs are helping and not helping at the same time.

    1. I get a lot of targeted ads from them and want so many things, but don’t have anything so can’t speak to quality. I do think they are reputable in the outdoor industry, though.

    2. Yep! We were spending a lot of time in Utah last winter and saw a lot of Stio on the slopes. I have tried on a few of their things but haven’t purchased- they seem soft and high quality!

    3. I tried some Stio ski pants and the quality/features were good, but the fit wasn’t quite right for me and I had to return. I would keep them in mind for other items in the future, though.

    4. I bought a Stio flannel three years ago, wear it constantly, and it still looks great.

    5. Yep. I have a hoodie from them. It’s fine quality, but not better than Patagonia or the other brands, and they don’t seem to have the same responsible sourcing or environmental ethic as Patagonia. Definitely not my go-to.

      1. I have Patagonia clothes that have held up for 20 years or more. Definitely a good go-to for responsible consumerism.

  8. I grew up in a crackerbox house with a postage stamp yard, and I always dreamed of having more space between me and my neighbors. My husband I have 0.9 acre, and dayum…quarantine has really driven home how little that actually is. Everyone is constantly yelling and slamming car doors, not training their dogs who howl outside all day and night, and online shopping frequently enough that FedEx-UPS-Penske-Prime trucks are blaring back-up buzzers all. day. long.

    I’ve been window shopping RedFin for 5-10 acre properties and daydreaming. I mourned when my favorite house went under contract, which is foolish because I can’t move right now.

    Anyone else rethinking their set-up, due to the state of the world?

    1. I always have a tension between my desire for space and my love of living a convenient lifestyle. I have .9 acres in a close-to-the-city suburb. It is so convenient to get anywhere and do anything. My commute is less than 10 minutes! That said, I am going to view a 5 acre property that is for now sale in my all-time favorite area. I have always fantasized about living in that very specific spot though. I would not change my living plans because of the pandemic, especially with the news on the vaccines.

    2. No because nothing about COVID makes garden/lawn care more appealing of an activity. I grew up in a house on 0.2 acres, and that was PLENTY of yard care for me. If you have tons of money to throw at that problem, maybe. But I still think 1 acre would feel enormous to me.

        1. I only have a third of an acre and I still hate mowing it and leaf blowing all the leaves from my giant trees with a passion, but I love where I live otherwise so I deal with it!

    3. This has definitely made my husband want to hurry up and move to the middle of no where. Our neighbor is divorced and lives alone and constantly wants to talk with us over the fence. We feel like we can’t sit on the back porch without him chatting.
      Problem with metro Atlanta is a lot of those middle of no where areas have terrible schools and are basically all white.
      We will be staying put in the burbs until we are empty nesters and then getting ourselves a nice mountain house with lots of property. I do randomly look at properties and daydream though!

    4. FWIW I live on an acre and hear nothing from my neighbors. I can’t even see any of them. A lot of this probably depends on how your house is set on the lot.

    5. We’re building on 7 acres in a very small rural town right now. While this was well in the works before COVID hit, COVID has definitely increased my gratitude for being able to live in a rural area with lots of space – I no longer wish I lived in a bigger city at all, where before I used to wish for it occasionally. We’re lucky that our professional enviro-tech jobs happen to be based in this small town and will be less than a five minutes from our office. We’re about a half hour easy drive from a small city and an hour from a state capital city, so close enough to amenities and cultural things (when they’re happening).

      Also, just on a political front, I’m in a pretty conservative area and I feel like I’m making a (small) difference being a liberal person who people in my community know as not the terrible socialist who wants to destroy their way of life but respect them and we work together on all kinds of community/local initiatives.

    6. Not at all if you like living in or near a city. An acre is objectively a very large lot in a city or suburb – most houses in my area are on a quarter to half an acre even in the exburbs 45 minutes driving to the city. There is nothing you could do to get me to move to the middle of nowhere, but if your dream is to live in the middle of nowhere but with neighbors at shouting distance, than your dreams sounds pretty reasonable.

    7. I live in a 1,000 sq foot apartment with a neighbor who practices piano every night between 5 and 6 pm. I absolutely love it. When she skips a day I feel compelled to put on piano music during that time.

      2. Aww, this reminds me of when I was growing up – my sister played and it was lovely to hear her, even when she was just plinking around or practicing.

      3. Neighbors practicing music has been such a joy of the pandemic! My neighbor practices weekly outside and I love going to listen—it’s like a very convenient, socially-distanced concert.

        I live on a 5,000 square foot lot (house is much smaller) and I rarely notice noise from neighbors.

        I wouldn’t want to move to somewhere far out in a pandemic. I really value distanced chats with neighbors, being close to excellent medical care, and delivery services available in a city (especially services like Good Eggs, which actually employs their workers and gives them paid sick leave, reducing the chances they’ll feel the need to work when ill).

      4. I love this! My mom still talks about the summer in college when she could see a neighbor’s grand piano through their window across the street sitting unused, and how she longed to go over and say, “I’d love to play that for you!”

      5. You guys, I live next door to a professional pianist. If you moved in the classical music world, you would know who she is.

        On the other side, my neighbors have two preteen kids, one of whom recently switched from trumpet to trombone. The older sister is an amazing budding pianist and is now learning a little Mozart piece after mastering a piano version of one of the Romeo and Juliet pieces by Prokofiev.

        In my house, I’m married to a former professional rock musician (multi-instrumentalist), my son plays both stand up and electric bass as well as guitar, my daughter plays violin and piano, and I play piano and a little guitar.

        It’s a cacophony around here in all the best ways. Musically, I feel like I’m living the life I dreamed of as a kid.

    8. We just closed on a house on 20 acres of mostly woods. Very excited to have lots of peacefulness and trees. Near a fancy college town, so all of the amenities – good grocery stores, shopping in general, medical care, etc. – are nearby.

    9. Not what you were asking, but on the constant noise front – we recently replaced our windows and it is amazing how much less outside noise we hear. Might not be a bad idea in the mean time to look at if there is any ways to make your home more quiet (and relatedly more energy efficient).

      1. +1 on the windows. We did double windows and it has been a huge improvement. I live on the busiest street in a great neighborhood. This was our trade off for being able to afford to live where we do.

    10. +1 on the windows. We did double windows and it has been a huge improvement. I live on the busiest street in a great neighborhood. This was our trade off for being able to afford to live where we do.

    11. My parents live on a small road with just over 2 acres, only a few other houses, and a state park on one side. The nearest neighbors set up a country gun range in their unfenced backyard – they built a big mound of dirt and they shoot into that. They face their own house, but it’s still noisy as hell and dangerous. Obviously this is an extreme case, but be careful what you wish for!
      (yes, they spoke to the neighbors and yes, they contacted the police. From what I understand it’s been a year or so since they’ve done any at-home shooting. Rural Ohio).

      1. I’ve lived in rural Ohio. While extreme, this is more common a problem than people might think. (I remember having a problem with neighbors shooting old appliances in the creek which was causing bullets to ricochet long distances…)

        1. This isn’t the only neighbor issues they’ve had, but it’s the most egregious. Other items include ATV noise, and unfenced dogs (this actually works out okay and my father encourages it because he’s a softy).

          Ultimately I think my dad would be happiest in a place like OP describes – 5-10 acres and truly no neighbors. He is perfectly happy on his riding mower. However I think it’d be too solitary for my mother.

          1. This isn’t the only neighbor issues they’ve had, but it’s the most egregious. Other items include ATV noise, and unfenced dogs (this actually works out okay and my father encourages it because he’s a softy).

            Ultimately I think my dad would be happiest in a place like OP describes – 5-10 acres and truly no neighbors. He is perfectly happy on his riding mower. However I think it’d be too solitary for my mother.

    12. I grew up on 2 acres in a small neighborhood of houses all set on 1-3 acres in a small town so I’ll never get used to the tiny lots in the city I live in now. It didn’t even really feel like much land when we lived in it. I hate commuting but I would love to buy 5 acres or so

    13. I grew up in a house with an acre-ish yard, and am not really interested in more yard space. I do fantasize constantly about redoing our garage into a guest house/home office.

    14. Sort of. We live in a 2-bedroom apartment with no outdoor space, and we were fine with that when we moved in, we’d planned on buying a house eventually, but this pandemic has certainly made us want to move up the timeline! Realistically, when we do buy, the vaccine will be out and this whole situation will be behind us, but we will appreciate the heck out of having our own yard, no one thunking around above us or slamming doors, or ringing our buzzer just to get into the building, a basement where I can set up a home gym for when going to a fitness studio isn’t an option . . . and of course, when we get a house we can start the process of getting a dog! I have bad puppy fever over here.

  9. Just wanted to share good news since I’m home alone and therefore can’t celebrate with anyone! I got a call that my firm is doing off-cycle raises for top performers in light of good firm performance. Not only am I getting an almost 10% raise, I’m finally breaking into the 6-figure salary club!!! :D

    5. YAAAAAS!!! I’m doing a celebration jig for you right now. I remember that feeling when I broke through. Wahoo!!

  10. Help. I spilled coffee on a white canvas LL Bean tote bag that I love — it’s brand new! How do I get this out without ruining the bag? “Dab at it with soap” isn’t working :(

    1. I’ve washed similar Land’s End totes and had no issues. Cold water, delicate cycle, air dry.

      2. Ditto. I’ve machine washed before. (I accidentally left a bag of mini carrots in the bag in my car for a week in the summer ? It was machine wash or trash, so I decided to give it a go.)

    2. I’ve found Fels Naptha soap good at removing coffee stains. Otherwise I would just launder it. If the bag has colored handles, throw in a color catcher (maybe two) — I had one with Navy handles and the color bled.

    3. I would soak in a bucket/sink with water and sodium carbonate (aka washing soda) for a few hours or overnight, then machine wash on cold and air dry. It will be fine, I’m the master of getting coffee on fabric and there has yet to be a stain I couldn’t beat.

    5. There’s a product called Wine Away that’s actually very effective on most food and beverage stains (anything biological, but not artificial food coloring) and on blood.

  11. Is it possible to get into skiing without spending a fortune? I’ve been a handful of times (though not in a long time) and always enjoyed it. The Poconos are the closest ski spots to me (1-3 hours away) so lift tickets and rentals aren’t all that bad, comparatively.

    I have a lot of outdoor hobbies in the summer, but none in the winter so trying to figure out how to best do this!

    1. Good for you trying to find winter hobbies – if more people did that, there wouldn’t be as much struggle to get through the winter.

      I suggest looking into a seasonal rental package (more common on the East Coast), which can be a great deal for skis, boots, and poles. You can often buy the gear at the end of the season if it works for you. Otherwise, try buying lift ticket 3-packs or season passes if you’ll go enough. It’s hard to say what will happen with COVID, though.

      Finally, I embrace the cost to some extent. Yes, it’s expensive and I need to find a way to make it work in my budget, but it’s so worth it. Sometimes the best activities cost more and when I took a second to acknowledge the value of skiing to me, it became clear that I shouldn’t worry about the cost.

    2. Definitely possible! I recommend buying your own boots and helmet. Not so much for the savings on the rental but because finding comfy ski boots was always the slowest part of the rental process for me. Having my own boots helped maximize my time on the hill. You can get decent boots for under $200. Book a private lesson as well – you’ll learn a lot and enjoy it more.

      Our closest hill is 1.5 hours away and we regularly do day trips with the kids. Leave around 8am, on the hill by 10am, leave again around 4:30/5pm, home for supper. It sounds like a lot of driving for 6 hours skiing but still worth it. By not staying overnight we have a solid cost savings and don’t lose our whole weekend.

    3. Definitely possible! I recommend buying your own boots and helmet. Not so much for the savings on the rental but because finding comfy ski boots was always the slowest part of the rental process for me. Having my own boots helped maximize my time on the hill. You can get decent boots for under $200. Book a private lesson as well – you’ll learn a lot and enjoy it more.

      Our closest hill is 1.5 hours away and we regularly do day trips with the kids. Leave around 8am, on the hill by 10am, leave again around 4:30/5pm, home for supper. It sounds like a lot of driving for 6 hours skiing but still worth it. By not staying overnight we have a solid cost savings and don’t lose our whole weekend.

      2. I spent my high school evenings in the mid-90s skiing in old jeans over long-johns and whatever old coat we had that could get beaten up. You don’t need a ton of gear for what the OP is doing. We didn’t eat in the Lodge or do anything that cost money other than the lift ticket and ski/boot rental.
        As with almost every sport I’ve ever done, a few bucks spent on good socks is the biggest impact you can make for the least cost.

    4. In our area, locals buy discounted lift tickets at the grocery store, and people are always listing used gear for sale. I would get good new boots and skis, but cobble together the rest of the gear from resale or end of season sales.

  12. Please be kind. I have to say I got shocked last night when people were flaming “TTC culture”. If so many women so far back as the Bible (Sarah) were sad about not being able to have a kid, why is it suddenly something to judge? It’s clearly as age old a truth as any. Are people just frustrated that it feels like judgement on their choices to not have kids? As a former Midwesterner who got away, I can see how resentment would build.

      1. Obviously any woman who is trying to have a baby gets initiated into a club where all they do is obsess over babies, judge others for their birthing plan, and contemplate their future Mom Haircut.

        Men are exempt from this judgement, of course, because they’re just passive entities who somehow end up becoming fathers one day by magic.

    2. I got engaged when I was >35. I went to church in my parents’ hometown with my grandmother and aunt and the sermon was on Abraham and Sarah (wife can’t conceive? have a child with your slave). Awesome. At the time, I didn’t know where I would fall — never a parent, years of frustration-rage-tears, miscarriage, or somehow actually in a life of happiness (which I enjoyed as a single person). Life is hard. Empathy is important. As is giving yourself and all of the rest of G-d’s creation and creatures a bit of grace when things go sideways from what we hope.

    3. The people criticizing “TTC culture” are the same bitter, entitled people who choose not to have children (perfectly fine) and believe that everyone else should either make the same choice or hide their children away in a closet until they are old enough to enter the rat race for themselves (not fine).

      2. Or, more realistically, they don’t want kids, so they don’t understand why someone would spend so much time and money to overcome their infertility, when they could just accept they can’t have their own kids and adopt a kid who needs a home. And while I see where they’re coming from, my boyfriend and I aren’t planning on having kids, I also understand that for a lot of people who want to have kids, it IS a big deal, and it is important to have their own kids if it’s at all possible!

        In general, I don’t like arguments that are basically “they’re spending all this money on something I don’t think is important, when they could be giving that money to people who really need it!” Just let people spend their money how they want, it’s their money.

        Just because I don’t want kids doesn’t mean I don’t want ANYONE to have kids! I support people who want them, and my heart goes out to people who are struggling to get pregnant and stay pregnant.

    4. Frankly, I think we should all keep our comments about what happens in other peoples uteruses to ourselves.

      1. +1. It’s ok if you want kids. It’s ok if you don’t want kids.
        It’s not ok to chime in on a thread where someone is already feeling down and tell them they are being selfish jerks.
        I have a biological child, but before we conceived my husband and I had some serious debates about what we would do if we were unable to have one. It’s a deeply personal and emotional issue and no one beside the parent(s) should get any say in the matter.

        1. Hah, my husband and I were all “oh, if we can’t easily have a biological kid, then we might just not have one at all!”. And here we are going through fertility treatments.

          1. We were the same. My husband was very much “we just won’t have kids”, but I knew I wanted to be a mother in some capacity.
            Virtual hugs to all of you struggling with this. Sending you lots of positive baby wishes!

          2. Same. I previously didn’t want children and I judged people that spent a ton of money on fertility treatments. Then Karma hit and we couldn’t conceive and we spent a bunch of money trying to have a baby. It didn’t work out and we are now mostly happy childfree. The pandemic is actually helping in that regard. (God bless anyone trying to parent right now.) But I learned you don’t know until you live it.

        2. I’m shocked that happened and I’m glad I missed it.

          If you want to have biological kids, that is a perfectly normal thing to want, and it is perfectly justifiable to grieve not being able to.

          I don’t know why anyone would be hateful about it. People can be jerks.

    5. I think it was one or two hateful people who think that things not important to them shouldn’t be important to anyone else. Textbook narcissism.

      Some people also insist on believing that fertility lasts forever and pregnancy at 40+ is easy. The science is pretty clear: fertility drops off at a very rapid rate right around age 37, and even infertility treatments work better when you’re younger. While many women can get pregnant in their late 30s or early 40s, many others struggle, many cannot even with IVF, and others are able to after years of trying. A woman I know just gave birth at 41, after miscarrying at 38 and being unable to get pregnant at 39 or 40.

      I conceived very easily at 38; I’m still sad I met my husband at 36 because had we met even a year earlier, we could have had a second child. We don’t want to roll the dice at age 41 and we aren’t ready for another now (40 is right around the corner). I just can’t judge people who TTC now because waiting carries its own set of risks.

    6. The planet is literally dying and women are routinely degraded to walking incubators, it’s not a far stretch to think that there people who are able to critically think about the state of the world and realize that having kids is wrong. But unfortunately due to tradition and a very clever social narrative on the virtues of Parenthood most people aren’t capable of having intelligent conversation about the topic.

        1. I would say so! Even when I was born the dangers of climate change we’re know but more
          importantly my Mom had kids because that’s just what you do. She loves me but ultimately she made a lot of sacrifices she didn’t want to because of social pressure and would have preferred being childfree.

          1. +1 on this. My mom got married and had kids because that’s what society expected of her, not because it made her happy, fulfilled her goals or was something she particularly wanted to do. I’m all for a culture change that removes these sorts of still present and insidious societal expectations on people. My dad wasn’t really around much to deal with us (we were in bed when he came home, so we didn’t see much of him), so I don’t know that having kids or not really made any sort of difference to him… it was just something one did.

        3. I’m completely fine not weighing in on the larger debate, but I have never understood this argument. If I had never been born, why would I care? I would have no idea? I would happily give up being born if it meant the world would be a better place for the larger community. Again, how on earth would I know? I literally wouldn’t exist and therefore could not care about this one bit.

          1. This applies to the argument used in abortion discussions of “what if your mom aborted you, how would you feel????” I wouldn’t. There would literally be no feeling, as I would not exist, so what do I care?

          2. Isn’t this also true if someone killed you in your sleep tonight though? (Wouldn’t know, couldn’t care?) I don’t understand this perspective from either side.

          3. No, because if someone killed you in your sleep, presumably your death would be upsetting to your family, friends, and loved ones who built a relationship with you that is now gone. In the case of the hypothetical “what if your mother had had an abortion” – well, what if my mother had said no to my father on that particular night, or had said yes to him a few days before? Or for that matter had married another man? I wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t know the difference.

      4. So the solution to being “routinely degraded to walking incubators” is to not have children? Is the solution to racism to stop being non-white? That is insane logic.

        Some people want a child. Some people don’t. Both are valid choices. Neither is a judgment on the other.

        I’m not a fan of huge families for environmental reasons, but 1-2 children per couple is not what is killing the planet. Most of the damage is done by huge corporations, who pass off the responsibility to individuals — the idea of a “personal carbon footprint” was invented by BP.

        2. I agree with you mostly, but this whole spiel of environmental damage is done by corporations and individual responsibility has no place is nonsense. I read the study where the statistic that 80 or 95% or whatever majority share of emissions are caused by 100 companies, originally came from(actually someone from the hive linked it for me, thank you!). It calculates the emissions from fossil fuels mined and sold by the 100 largest companies (the list included big oil, coal and gas basically). But the point is, they counted every gallon of fuel that these companies SOLD. That’s how you get to 95% of all emissions. But BP only sells a gallon if someone else buys it. So there is definitely a place for consumer choice and personal responsibility.

          1. Yeah, I agree completely. We need to stop pretending that personal choices don’t matter too. Both matter.

          2. Oh I agree that we should do as much as we can personally, and I do a lot myself (I’ve never owned a car, have only 1 child, live in a modestly sized apartment, avoid disposable plastic, fly once every 2-3 years, shop used whenever possible). But I’m under no illusion that my efforts will stop global warming without enormous government and corporate action.

        3. I’m all for a society where people have kids if they really, truly want them, but no one pops out kids just because they feel like they’re supposed to, or because it’s what you do at a certain point in your life (and your MIL won’t stop nagging you about grandchildren every Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter). But the people who are spending money on fertility treatments probably aren’t in the “welp, we’ve been married for X years, better start having kids now” camp, they’re the people who do really want kids.

      5. You are so clearly not interested in having an “intelligent conversation.” Spare us all.

          1. It doesn’t, but it does imply that both sides are intelligent. That usually doesn’t include invalidating others’ real, lived experiences.

      6. I agree, but I don’t think this site is the right forum for the conversation. No one here wants to acknowledge how many women on this planet are forcibly impregnated and end up having 6-7 kids and living in extreme poverty. It’s an even bigger conversation to talk about how these women are more likely to live in regions that have been devastated by the earlier impacts of climate change (e.g., the Sahel).

        1. The conversation yesterday that is being referenced was about a poster who was having negative feelings when someone else announced a pregnancy and she was having trouble conceiving. Nothing about that is a refusal to acknowledge the very real problems you bring up.

      7. Seek help for your myriad issues. This is a “you” problem, not an “everyone else” problem.

      8. If you really want to talk about incubators, let’s talk about surrogacy or “person with a uterus” language…there is so much to this subject that can’t all be dealt with here.

      10. What’s wrong is not having kids and leaving the planet to be run by the Quiverfull folks. Are you trying to kill the planet faster?

      11. It was mostly wrong for your mom to have kids. Other than that, it’s none of your business.

        As someone said above, textbook narcissism.

      12. You literally just told me that my Mommy Brain makes me incapable of rational thought.

        I’m glad that my husband and manager think differently.

    7. Because people love to judge. I didn’t read yesterday’s thread when it happened but I just went back and skimmed it. People here, or at least those commenters, tend to think that a maternal instinct means you can’t possibly also have any professional desires. They see it as very black and white. You’re either a mom or a career woman. The whole goal of feminism was for women to have choices- now if you choose a more traditional path, you’re flamed for it. It boggles their mind that some women truly are happiest as stay at home moms, or that women even want to have children at all. Check out yesterday’s comments about the Hallmark movies and how it’s apparently so terrible when women decide they don’t want the “good” career.

      1. I believe the goals of feminism are to throw off the yoke of male oppression, not have more choices within a stable patriarchy.

      2. “People here, or at least those commenters, tend to think that a maternal instinct means you can’t possibly also have any professional desires. They see it as very black and white. You’re either a mom or a career woman.”

        Could those of you on this board who think that a maternal instinct cannot coincide with professional desires please raise your hands, or choose a moniker other than Anonymous? I’m not quite seeing this, but perhaps I’m missing something.

    8. People are so cranky. People have felt sorrow about fertility issues, miscarriages, and stillborn children for all of human history. I think the main difference is that more people are open about their struggles now.

      1. Yeah, this was my theory as well. No idea what could make someone be such an ass, but not waiting around to find out.

        1. Same! I didn’t see the post but just went back to to look and I think it was just one poster who was, for whatever reason, trying really hard to be cruel and succeeding.

    10. That was literally one person. One angry bitter person. People were not flaming anything. You gotta let things people say on the internet go sometimes. Now you’re just providing them another opportunity to be terrible.

    11. Women have struggled with either wanting a child and not being able to have one or having a child and not wanting one throughout history. Brush off the jerks and move on.

    12. I don’t judge it, but I can say it is something I genuinely do not understand/relate to having never felt a single tick of a biological clock. The depth and frequency of the jealousy always surprises me and my initial reaction is very negative until I realize I just don’t get it and it must be real for other people.

      1. This is uncomfortable for me to think about, but I actually only ever felt this way when I was on a particular birth control medication. I got baby fever really badly! It went away completely when I quit taking the medication. So for me personally, I think it’s a really biological thing and basically hormonal. That doesn’t mean it’s not real or not tied up in real emotions, but it’s still strange.

      2. I genuinely feel sorry for people who have trouble TTC. I’ve never experienced it, but it seems heartbreaking.

        That said, I don’t totally get the jealousy that people often describe. It doesn’t seem logical or productive to be genuinely upset that someone else is pregnant, and yet it’s constantly excused both in on this board and in real life. If you want your own biological child, how does so and so being pregnant affect that in any way? It makes less sense than being jealous of someone else’s relationship or career, yet people are better at not being jealous of those things.

        1. People are not better at not being jealous of others’ relationships and careers.

        2. It’s not logical or productive, but it is human. When is jealousy ever logical or productive? I even said in my initial post that I knew I was being petty in my jealousy. I didn’t throw a temper tantrum; I vented in an anonymous forum (and probably will later in therapy)! I said nothing to the women who announced their pregnancies aside from congratulations, but it is entirely possible to be happy for someone and really jealous at the same time. And I think longing for a baby (especially while going through infertility) is something you either completely get because you’ve been there, or you really just can’t know what it’s like. I guess you’ll have to take my word for it.

          I don’t know that people are “better” at being jealous about other things that aren’t getting pregnant. I had an old coworker say “what are you, 20? That’s so unfair!” when she found out I was getting married (not from me, I didn’t announce it). I was 28, but she was probably 32 or so and really wanted to be married and have children, and her long term boyfriend had just broken up with her. I completely understand where that frustration comes from. I wasn’t taking a partner from her, but I was getting something she desperately wanted. It’s human.

        3. Hi Lilau welcome to the world of Actual Human People, where feelings are not always logical or productive.

        4. Are any feelings of jealousy ever rational? We’re talking about emotions here, you realize that, right?

          1. Some emotions are more rational than others right? It’s more rational to be jealous of a coworker who was picked instead of you for a promotion that you were both vying for than it is to be jealous of your friend’s success in a hobby you don’t share, right? The first thing is very understandable, the second thing is just mean-spirited.

            It just makes more sense to me to feel jealous of other things. I can see feeling that there are a finite amount of desirable partners or job opportunities in the world, or maybe in your geographic area. I get feeling jealous of those things.

            But someone else’s ability to get pregnant? That really can’t affect your ability to get pregnant.

            To aunt jamesina ’s example :her coworker could have married her fiancé/fiancée. Sounds ugly, sure, but we are hard wired to be competitive about romantic partners. I get it. It’s one less eligible person in the world.

            That’s not true with getting pregnant, where someone else’s pregnancy can’t even theoretically change your odds of getting pregnant. It’s not as if you’re sad because you sense your chances at a romantic partnership dwindling. You’re just angry at someone else’s happiness. To me, that’s a darker form of envy. And yet, it’s very real, and very common because I’ve heard it expressed a lot in the context of pregnancies.

            Aunt jamesina:
            I think this is a really smart thing to discuss with a professional and I wish you all the best in your trc efforts.

          2. Have you honestly never been jealous of someone who got something you wanted even if you weren’t in direct competition with one another? Ever envied someone who’s prettier or smarter or wealthier than you?

            And my coworker was quite religious, would never have considered dating someone outside of her religion, and my husband is very atheist, so no, I didn’t remotely take a potential spouse from her. Come on. This is silly. Jealousy is never, ever rational.

          3. Lilau – if you’ve never experienced jealousy over something illogical, you may want to speak to a professional. That level of calculation into your emotions isn’t normal and makes me wonder if you actually experience emotions.

            Being jealous is a completely normal thing that humans who experience emotions go through from time to time. Being jealous in and of itself doesn’t make you a bad person Any more than being mad or sad. Being jealous doesn’t mean that you are going around throwing cold water on other peoples happiness. There certainly are people who do that, just like there are people who channel their anger in violent ways. The problem isn’t the underlying emotion in those cases, it’s not having a way to process them in a healthy way. Venting on an anonymous internet board about your jealousy is a pretty healthy way to work out jealousy IMHO

        5. You are not understanding the emotional reaction people are having. First, it’s envy, not jealousy. Second, i’s not rational; it’s an emotion. No one believes it’s productive. Third, no one is upset that someone else *is pregnant,* or upset at them for being pregnant, they’re upset that *they are not pregnant* and what triggered those feelings in that instant was learning someone else was pregnant. We all recognize that no one is getting pregnant *at* us or getting married *at* us, but it’s very natural to feel envious of other people who are having the experiences you want to have but, for reasons that are usually largely out of your control, cannot have. Lucky for you that you don’t seem to experience that. Maybe you’ve been very lucky and have been able to develop the relationships and have the family that you want.

          I don’t want to have kids so I don’t know what it must feel like to have that deep longing but not be able to get pregnant. I imagine it’s very, very painful. I can empathize, however- I was single for a long time and very much wanted a partner. It was tough to see most of my friends getting married and starting families, not because their doing so affected my path towards those things, but because it reminded me of what I didn’t have, and that was painful.

        6. Lilau, I appreciate your perspective, but I think your perspective is possibly the result of having incomplete information or never having had to wear the shoe on the other foot, so to speak. I, too, felt this way until it was me. Frankly, the older I get the more I realize how many things I just didn’t understand until I lived it. It really came down to me developing empathy through share experiences.

          I had been trying for 2 years for my first when each of my sisters “accidentally got pregnant” (their words). We finally had success after 5 IUI rounds and two surgeries. This time I’m actively in IVF protocol. I’ve had to throw two baby shows for dear friends in the last 30 days while simultaneously injecting myself with sometimes painful shots and going in for always invasive probes and procedures nearly daily as part of my IVF monitoring.

          What’s that they say… “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” or in this case, until you can’t have it. I hope your perspective evolves with experience and time. More people need to talk about their fertility battles. I don’t wish it on anyone, but I pray the dialogue and education continues, because it’s toll is no small thing.

      3. I didn’t have a single maternal instinct and went obnoxiously around in my twenties saying I’d never have kids. Then in my very late twenties it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a very very real thing.

        I have kids now and I’m really happy I do (and my career has been stellar, so it wasn’t a trade off for me – my husband did a lot of the heavy lifting). I just wish I had given myself a little more wiggle room in my know it all twenties.

    13. I read an article once that used getting cancer as a comparison to infertility, and as someone who has had both, it’s an apt comparison. Both cancer and infertility make people uncomfortable because it defies the way most people think of their lives – winners win, and losers lose. When I got cancer, people constantly asked me how I got it. They wanted to blame it on something I did “wrong” so they could reassure themselves that they were living “correctly” and thus could not get cancer. Same thing with infertility – people want to attribute their fertility to their personal choices (having kids young, eating right, whatever it is) so they can assure themselves infertility can’t happen to them.

      I also think that, frankly, people are uncomfortable when women want things. They are uncomfortable when women want to be successful, or to be super competitive and win things, or to find a great life partner, and they are similarly uncomfortable when women want to have kids. Women being open and vocal about the things they want is still somewhat of a taboo.

      Unfortunately, that’s not how life works. Bad things happen to people who make good choices all the time. And women want things and that is ok. But infertility is an issue that presents when people are in their 20s/30s and have not fully learned how to process the fact that you can’t control your life (or your body), and thus people are quicker to judge rather than have compassion.

      1. Thank you for this contribution. I’m so sorry you had to experience both of those things! And yes, people want to believe that they have control or that others going through illness should serve as some sort of lesson.
        I remember when my stepmom was going through cancer treatment and people were grilling her about her diet and exercise and pushing supplements and juicing (juicing!) or what other people they knew who had different types of cancer did to “cure” it (even though they probably had NO IDEA what their SIL or boss or whoever actually went through). Although I think I only understand a small slice of this, it’s tiring feeling like you have to manage other people’s feelings when you’re the one actually going through it.

      2. what a false comparison! Having cancer is nothing like being infertile and that’s a terrible analogy.

        1. You didn’t read the rest of my post, and you also have clearly experienced neither cancer nor infertility. The comparison is between how other people react to both situations, not the situation itself. As a person who has both cancer and infertility, the way other people react (supportive on its face with a big undercurrent of judgment about what you did “wrong” to cause it) is quite similar.

        2. This poster has experience both cancer and infertility, so I’m going to trust that she understands what she’s talking about.

          Also: https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/The-psychological-impact-of-infertility-and-its-treatment

          “One study of 200 couples seen consecutively at a fertility clinic, for example, found that half of the women and 15% of the men said that infertility was the most upsetting experience of their lives. Another study of 488 American women who filled out a standard psychological questionnaire before undergoing a stress reduction program concluded that women with infertility felt as anxious or depressed as those diagnosed with cancer, hypertension, or recovering from a heart attack.”

        3. This poster has experienced both cancer and infertility.

          Also: https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/The-psychological-impact-of-infertility-and-its-treatment
          “One study of 200 couples seen consecutively at a fertility clinic, for example, found that half of the women and 15% of the men said that infertility was the most upsetting experience of their lives. Another study of 488 American women who filled out a standard psychological questionnaire before undergoing a stress reduction program concluded that women with infertility felt as anxious or depressed as those diagnosed with cancer, hypertension, or recovering from a heart attack.”

      3. +1. Thank you. I was just so confused yesterday and it made me rethink how open I’ve been about our plans and worries. It’s actually been helpful to see the diversity of opinions on the thread (helps me build empathy), and this one in particular helps.

    14. Wow, this whole thread is just one big echo chamber of people with the same opinions, except for the one environmentalist. Good job guys, please pat yourselves on the back for all having the same opinions.

      1. Ok listen up. Whether other people have no kids, abort pregnancies, or have babies is none of your business. You don’t get to tell other people what to do. It’s all on the spectrum of choice. If having no kids is the right decision for you, congratulations. But you don’t get to tell other people what the right choice is for them. No. One. Asked. You.

      2. The opinion that children matter a tremendous amount to some people and not to others, and we should all live our lives accordingly?

  13. Has anyone here gotten married in 2020 and/or planning to get married in early 2021? I’m trying to understand why someone might choose to move forward versus rescheduling for post-pandemic. I trying really hard to look at this from a place of understanding versus judgment.

    1. Not me, but a close friend cancelled her large wedding and did a 20-person wedding in early October (outdoors at a private residence). She said that she just wanted to elope, but it was important to her fiance to do a real ceremony and his parents had a large enough backyard to accommodate. I attended the ceremony only and did not remove my mask, but other people did. If there were any cases of COVID resulting from this, I didn’t hear about them, but I think that the outdoor setting, relatively small numbers, and distancing were crucial and our case numbers were pretty good at the time. I think that it would be very irresponsible to do it right now, though.

      2. They should get married at the court house, then, and not insist upon these dangerous ceremonies.

    3. Probably because there’s no end in sight and people… want to be married. I know several people that have had tiny (less than 15 people) weddings, like just parents and siblings who took precautions beforehand. None of them were spreader events.

      1. That you know of. We don’t have good contact tracing in the U.S. and in many places, there is effectively none at all.

        1. well, I’ve spoken with the couples themselves afterward, and they (proactively) said no one had gotten it. I mean I guess they could be lying but it is their close family circle…

      2. 2020 bride here.
        We had fewer than 15 people, including us, our photographer, and our officiant, plus another almost 200 on Zoom. NO ONE traveled to be there; everyone who was there in person was local, which meant neither of our families were there. We were outside and 6′ or more apart, and when we couldn’t be, we were WELL more than 6′ feet apart and masked. And we very clearly communicated our expectations around all of that to our guests, who we knew and trusted.
        It obviously looked nothing like what we planned a year or so ago when we picked the date–it was on a different coast, there were 1/4 as many people, and we did not buy-out a tiny restaurant for the night and sit shoulder-to-shoulder with our nearest and dearest. But we wanted to be married more than we wanted that kind of wedding.

    4. Are you saying people shouldn’t have any weddings at all in 2020/pandemic times? Or that anyone that wants The Traditional Wedding with all the people and travel it entails need to kick the can one more year on that?

      I know LOTS of people who were going to marry in 2020, and still did, but did it in a much different/ pandemically responsible way.

    5. I haven’t, but many close friends have.

      Lots of friends got stuck in a hard place where they either (1) couldn’t get their tens of thousands of dollars in deposits back if they cancelled, per the terms of the contract, or (2) were only permitted to reschedule within a somewhat limited range of time (ie, pushing the wedding back eight months). For many, it became a gamble of “surely this won’t be a thing in spring 2021” or “we’ll have lost our entire savings as a young couple if we cancel.”

    6. People want to get married and we’re at the point where we don’t know when the pandemic will be over. That said, I still judge the he!! out of big weddings right now. And by big, I mean anything more than like 10 people. That’s such a reckless decision.

    7. Some of my friends are religious and want to be married under the sight of God before starting a family. They had a small ceremony with just immediate family, and are planning a party for next year.

    9. I had three people in my circle get married this year, all of whom are in their late thirties and want to try for children immediately (and wanted to be married before having children for societal reasons). Varying levels of precautions taken at each of the weddings. (didn’t attend any).

    10. My boyfriend and I are talking about marriage but not quite there yet. If this was a year later, it would be tough — his parents are in bad health, and his mother has dementia and is rapidly getting worse. So it’s entirely unclear if a year from now, they will be here and his mom will even know what’s going on. He’s very close with them and would be devastated to have them “miss” our wedding. If we were ready to get married this summer, we would have done a small outdoor wedding (his parents, my parents and my sibling, who would have officiated), possibly with extended family and friends attending by zoom.

    11. My friends did- they’re in their late 30s, want kids, and want to be married. They cut it down to 20 people outside, it was lovely.

    12. DH and I did not live together before we got married. Had our wedding been scheduled for 2020, I absolutely would have even done a Zoom JP wedding so that we could get married. I would not have had a wedding with guests in 2020 and have declined such invitations this year. Getting married was more important to us than a wedding.

    13. People may also want / need to get married for health insurance purposes. It sucks that the US is like this, but it’s a reality. Some people are also not comfortable living together before marriage (possibly them, or possibly their families). I see nothing wrong with the very small and very safe weddings being proposed (immediate family, outdoors, masking, distancing, no food reception, etc.). Anything beyond that seems irresponsible to me at this point in time.

    15. My SIL is planning a 300+ person wedding in the south (2 plane rides each way for us and most of the guests) for next Memorial Day Weekend. What are people’s best guesses as to whether it will be safe to go forward with it?

      2. I mean, contagion wise it’ll be about as safe as last May, though treatments will be better … so basically, not at all safe.

      3. Very unlikely. Best guess for availability of vaccine to general population is April, no way for all 300 ppl to get 2 doses 3 weeks apart by end of May.

    16. I got married in August with immediate family only (parents, one grandparent, and one sibling each) after everyone had quarantined. Other friends and family watched via Zoom. I’m in my late 30s, and I was ready to be married to my husband. We’re also ready to start trying for a baby. I don’t see what’s so hard to understand.

    17. My friends who were scheduled to get married this year have almost universally still gotten married this year, and about 50/50 on just re-scheduling the wedding/big reception for next year or just canceling the whole thing. Given how long engagements usually are (18 months is pretty normal, but anywhere from 12-24 months is within the norm), if your wedding was scheduled this year, you probably don’t want to put your life/marriage on hold for another year (or two!). A LOT of people postponed “till this is all over” in March/April/May but they postponed to this fall or early next year, so then they had to postpone again. If you postponed from this July to next July, it’s still unlikely a non-masked, non-socially distanced wedding will be possible. If you want to be sure that you can have that kind of wedding, you probably need to be planning for 2022. And if you got engaged in 2018 that feels insane!

      So if you’re talking about the actual marriage part, I think it makes perfect sense to get married this year in an elopement/city hall/very small, socially distanced event with precautions kind of way.

      If you’re asking why people are still having 2019 style weddings this year? Mostly that’s people who don’t believe that COVID is really that bad/say “we still have to live our lives”, crossed with people who live in states that left weddings of 200, 250 or 300 people as STILL LEGAL since the original stay-at-home orders ended, so they were unable to get any money back when they tried to convince vendors to reschedule/cancel. Regardless of reason, having big groups, indoors, dancing, low masking, etc is 100% wrong this year and I am not on board for any of it.

      1. I should have worded the question differently. I meant why are people still having weddings vs getting married.
        I realize maybe there’s no way to ask this without judgment, but I honestly am trying to understand the potential reasoning for trying to throw a big event at a time when it seems so stressful and risky to do so. I have my own perspective on it — that it doesn’t make sense — but was wanting to at least understand what the counterpoints are.

        Concern about family members who might not be around in a year is a perspective I hadn’t considered.

        1. They are two totally separate questions.

          There are a myriad of reasons why people would still want to get married either without guests or with a super small like 5-10 person wedding.

          The reason for big ceremonies/receptions is basically selfishness.

        2. Oh, I see now! Yeah, I can see the issue of not being able to cancel, but I am side-eyeing people who are having anything bigger than 10 immediate family members and close friends, spaced out in a park with masks on. Get married, but postpone the party until it’s safe to have one. If your traditionalist, pearl-clutching gammie thinks you’re being tacky, she’s out of touch with what’s going on right now and that’s not your problem.

      2. Even if you can’t get your money back, how does that justify a big, unsafe party??

        1. It doesn’t! But I am still in several wedding groups on social media platforms from my wedding last year, and I have seen brides who are not very COVID wise/serious, but definitely COVID-nervous post about talking to their venues about trying to postpone and finding out it is not allowed. And then they look around, and say, this is in no way prohibited by my state guidelines, so, I guess it’s either go ahead now or lose the opportunity to do it at all. Remember, some people first postponed very shortly before their wedding date, so they’d paid all their deposits… it doesn’t justify it AT ALL, and it is the wrong call, but if you paid tens of thousands of dollars for a dream wedding it’s hard for people to throw that kind of money out the window with the dream of having it at all. This is why I place the biggest blame on states for not putting real restrictions in place on gatherings!

        2. Define “big, unsafe” party. I’ve seen brides get raked over the coals for having 15 people at their weddings. If you’re going to get shamed for 15, why not go all in and invite 100? Same shame, at least you hit your food minimums.

          I work from home; my husband works from home; our baby goes to a daycare for like 15 hours a week. We wear masks whenever we leave the house. I exercise on a very wide, almost empty bike trail. My car gets 500 miles to a tank of gasoline, so I could drive quite a ways to a wedding without stopping for gas. Is hanging out with us “unsafe”? Who you invite probably matters more than how many you invite.

    18. A good friend recently had a wedding. It was outside, seven people attended, including the couple and the officiant, none of whom had to travel. The bride served to-go cupcakes in individual boxes for people to take home and gave everyone a mini bottle of Prosecco to mark to occasion. Nobody took their mask off (except for the bride and groom for the kiss – and that was more than 6 feet from anyone else).

      They did it now for three reasons: (1) religious; (2) they are at an age when they want to start a family sooner rather than later; and (3) the groom is military and scheduled to be deployed in January.

      Honestly I think the bride was a little relieved. She had been planning a large wedding to make her in-laws happy but it was not really her style.

    19. Because delaying your life indefinitely is complete garbage.

      I’m sorry not sorry if that is harsh, but we aren’t all 21 with healthy parents and healthy grandparents and our entire lives spread before us. I know someone who had a tiny wedding because she wants to be married before having kids; she wants three kids; and she’s 36. Full steam ahead.

      I know other people who got married because they didn’t know if elderly relatives would even be alive to see it next year. A lot of very elderly people feel like it’s the end of the line for them anyway, and they would rather see their granddaughters in their lovely white dresses, even if it means dying a month later, than die in six months from now without ever having seen the wedding.

      In some ways, it’s a variant of the choice to not take aggressively treat cancer – people often want a shorter but better time. Death isn’t the worst thing out there; many people think that what’s going on now is a bigger waste of our limited time on earth.

    20. If I were engaged and the wedding date was in the middle of all this, I’d postpone the party and have a small ceremony with just immediate family and maybe a few very close friends, or elope at the courthouse, because at that point I’d want to be legally married in case something were to happen to either of us. But I also want a big wedding celebration – I want friends and family from various parts of my life and his to be in the same room, eating good food and dancing, mingling with each other, and ideally I’d like a chance to see a lot of these people that I don’t normally get to see because they live far away.

      That said, I do realize that some people don’t really like being invited to regular weddings, and they might resent getting an invite to a party that’s not the “real” wedding. Like to me it’s “we’re sorry we couldn’t share the official wedding with all of you, but we’d love to have you come celebrate our big life milestone now that it’s safe” but it could also read as “yeah you didn’t get to actually watch us tie the knot, but we still expect you to travel, dress up, pretend to have fun and give us a present because we’re greedy, selfish, tacky people like that.”

  14. has anyone been watching tv shows as they return? i kind of wish that some of them were just ignoring covid from their plot lines since they sort of acknowledge it, and then kind of wear masks sometimes and sometimes don’t in the episodes and while i completely understand how and when to wear a mask there seem to be many people out there who don’t, plus i kind of like tv as an escape from reality.

    1. I’ve watched part of the first episode of This Is Us (no spoilers, please) and it was weird that they incorporated current events into the storyline. I’m okay if shows just ignore it. I think of TV as an escape too.

    2. I don’t watch much TV, but admit to having a knee jerk reaction of horror when the Mandolorian walked into a crowded scene with no masks (other than his own). Had to remove myself that Covid is not a concern in that galaxy far, far away.

    3. Only The Conners are living in a pandemic as far as the shows I’ve seen. Life is always a struggle for them though, so it doesn’t seem to have changed the tone of the show much. What are you watching?

    4. The shows I watch are kind of random. More fantasy/out of reality shows (ex. sci-fi, fantasy, witchcraft, etc.) are completely ignoring, but the ones based in modern times in the modern world are embracing it and honestly I think it would be kind of weird if they completely ignored it, especially if they filmed during the pandemic. Some shows are taking advantage like Grey’s Anatomy and the like – but it could have been a fake plot line in that show anyway.

    5. Joining households, getting on the other’s insurance benefits, becoming your spouse’s next of kin …

    6. Yes, I 100% know exactly what you’re talking about. I almost cried twice watching Grey’s return episodes last week because they were way to real. If I hadn’t been doing a puzzle during it and a little distracted, I think I would have gotten legit anxiety from watching them.

      That said, idk what else I’d want. It would probably feel super tone deaf for a medical show to ignore covid.

      1. yea i was thinking Greys, which i actually didn’t mind being in a covid world for that show, but I also watch shows like Law & Order SVU, SWAT, etc. and what they were doing just made no sense in terms of masks/no masks and covid risks and almost made covid seem like this tiny thing

        1. I was watching SVU and made the same comment…..
          Everyone in the background wears masks, but not the main characters – except one scene when they were in a hospital. Or they take them off to talk.

          To be honest, looks a lot like how people behave in real life! (taking off and on, sometimes wearing but not always)

        2. Super late and you probably won’t see this, but 100% to Law & Order SVU not making ANY sense on how they were doing masks/no mask. Frankly I thought that it was really bad messaging on proper mask usage, and it was really distracting besides.

    7. I watch the Good Doctor, and the first two episodes deal with COVID, but the rest of the season is taking place in a hypothetical post-COVID world where they don’t have to wear masks or social distance.

  15. I posted yesterday about how people were telling me I was too picky. Thanks for all the advice, that was helpful and good perspective. I also saw a tweet where the incoming deputy chief of staff (Jen OMalley Dillon)’s husband said that when he was younger he wanted to be Josh Lyman from West Wing, but now he’s excited that he’s married to Josh Lyman from West Wing. I thought that was so cool and I would want a husband like that, not to settle for someone less supportive of me and my career (and I would also support him of course).

    1. I’ve seen lots of chat about Doug Emhoff and how jazzed he is to support the VP Elect and I feel the same way about this too!

    2. I don’t recall your post. I only think people are too picky when they have a list of things like looks, height, level of education, income etc.

      But it sounds like you’re looking for someone who is fundamentally a good human who will be the #1 cheerleader for his spouse. That is something we should all be picky about.

      1. This. Don’t compromise on who the person is as a person but realize that even though you think you only want to date guys taller than you who love dogs and have dark hair/no beard, you won’t care in the least about those things when it’s the right guy.

        1. yup! These people are out there and you all deserve a partner who shares your values and sees you as a whole person!!!

  16. Are there any platforms people like for keeping in touch with a group of people? I’ve met a group of 8-10 parents in my mom’s group and as people are returning to work, I wanted to have a way for us to keep connected to swap tips, ask questions, and basically be supportive – what do people suggest to use? I’d like to avoid FB since not everyone has it and I’d like it to be somewhat transparent as to identity ( ie avoid having people with anon/alias/ made-up accounts), but I do like how you can respond to chains on it whereas in whatsapp it’s a little harder to follow certain threads. Also something flexible enough so that it can grow and add people as needed without feeling unwieldy and overpopulated.
    What do you find works well for this kind of thing?

      1. This is what we do. One for work friends, one for college friends, one for mom friends. So I’d say it’s popular across a few different groups.

        1. Same here. I personally have all of the group texts on “mute” (no notifications), but find it an easy enough way to handle convos like OP suggested.

    3. Uhh … Facebook Groups? Sorry, I have no other suggestions. If somebody doesn’t have FB, which is ubiquitous, the chances that they’ll jump on another platform is slim to none, IME.

    5. Slack, Discord, or group.me

      Whether group texting works well seems to depend on people’s individual cell phone plans.

    6. My mom friend group migrated to a group text, and has stayed there for 4 years now. We only have 4 people though. I don’t have FB and refuse to use FB affiliated apps, so if the group was on there only I would just leave the group.

      1. Ditto group chat via text. I think FB groups, messenger, slack, what’s app, etc. are all used less broadly than text, so that seems like widest appeal.

    7. We started with a group text thread but have since moved to Slack and love it for 4 reasons:
      -everyone can have it on their computer/access it at places where they can’t have cell phones
      -unlimited number of people, vs the max 10 in a group text
      -no one misses any messages, whereas sometimes texts wouldn’t go through to a couple people for some unknown reason
      -multiple channels makes it much easier to catch up on messages and follow threads of conversation

      Discord would work the same–I have friends groups that use that as well.

    8. Myself and two friends use WhatsApp because we don’t all have iphones (so group text doesn’t work). I do love the “reply to specific speech bubble” feature, but I think WA might be overwhelming with more than 5 people. I have only used Discord with my colleagues but I would think that’s a good option for a big group. I don’t use the chat part of it though, just the voice feature.

  17. I have flabby upper arms and I’m not sure how to fix it. I do barre classes so I feel like my full upper arm gets worked in those (biceps, triceps, shoulders) but the area of the back upper arm and shoulder area is flabby. Help?

    1. Lift weights. the heavier the better. will give you beautiful sculpted arms that are not in the least bit bulky unless you really push for that, eat an obscene amount of protein, etc.

  18. My daughter (14 going on 15) has leaaned hard into reading this year. She requested books from a list for Christmas. We want to get her those and another book as a surprise. Her list is:
    The 7 husbands of Evelyn Hugo
    Monday’s not coming
    The vanishing stair
    This is how you lose the time war
    The great Gatsby

    What would you recommend to complement those? She likes mysteries, SciFi and historical fiction, but not fantasy btw.

    Additional question: good stocking stuffers for an avid reader and budding writer? I already got her nice pens and a bookmark but that’s where my inspiration ends.

    1. I’d go for The Secret Countess by Eva Ibbotson or Under A Dancing Star by Laura Wood for something light and historical.

      Good stocking stuffers… what’s the reading light situation in her bed? If not ideal, one of those reading lights you clip onto the book/ bed frame or hang around your neck could be cool. Maybe ‘no plot no problem’ too!

      1. I was going to say a book light — I find mine extremely helpful when I’m reading somewhere around other people who don’t want lights on.

        If she hasn’t already read Jane Austen, I would add one of those novels — I loved Pride and Prejudice and Emma at that age. Penguin has really pretty hardcover editions.

    2. For a teenager, I might also consider “Dear Edward”, which is about the sole teenage survivor of an airplane crash.

    3. All The Light We Cannot See would be a great pick for a precocious teen with an interest in historical fiction.

    4. Kate Quinn may be an author to check out! I’d recommend The Alice Network, about a female WWI spy (juxtaposed with the story of a post- WWII-era woman)
      And her other book The Huntress, about a female Russian fighter pilot, with a couple other stories woven in.
      Modern Mrs. Darcy just posted a book-themed gift roundup today.

    5. For stocking stuffers… a mug and tea, a miniature candle, or cozy socks. There are cute, book-themed versions of each of those things if you want to lean all the way in.

    7. The Vanishing Stair is the second in a trilogy that’s all been published, so you might just get her all three (I read all of them and really liked them, and apparently there’s going to be four – good to know!). I really didn’t like A Study in Charlotte, which is a female YA take on Sherlock Holmes, although it’s pretty popular, so I may have just missed the boat on that one. And another trilogy, beginning with Trouble is a Friend of Mine, has Veronica Mars-y vibes.

      Monday’s Not Coming is fairly tough subject matter and I think that author’s written another book along the same lines of “learning what happened in pieces and chunks” if you want to go down that path. Sadie’s a really excellent one about a girl tracking down what happened to her sister (with a second narrative tracking HER) which also deals with dark themes.

      I will put in a good word for Jellicoe Road, which is another coming of age type book with separate narratives which come together in the end, although it’s not EXACTLY a mystery, although a few mysteries get solved. Sawkill Girls is more horror than mystery, but I enjoyed it quite a bit.

      ScfiFi wise, I really liked “Sisters of the Vast Black” although it’s more of a novella, and Ted Chiang’s Exhalation had some really fun stories. Ann Leckie does some good sci-fi that’s a little off the beaten track too (the main protagonist in one series is a former ship).

      Get her a kindle if she doesn’t have one – I’ve really had to rely on the library’s ebooks in the pandemic shutdown.

    8. I love this! I remember being so happy when my mom got me a stack of books for Christmas one year! For the stocking stuffers, what about a mug and some fancy hot chocolate to drink while she reads? Does she read in the bath? If so, maybe some bath bombs. I have also seen this cool tray that fits across bathtubs that looks neat for holding things like books. Or some nice notecards.

    10. I would try more books by Maureen Johnson, she wrote the trilogy that The Vanishing Stair is part of. She has another mystery series called Shades of London that your teen would probably enjoy (if she hasn’t read it already :) )

    11. Agatha Christie books. She’d the queen of crime for a reason and I was about her age when I started reading those books.

    12. Definitely Jane Austen (or Charlotte Bronte if she is more emo, haha). I discovered Austen around that age and fell in love forever.

    13. The Vanishing Stair is part of a series. Make sure she has Truly Devious and the third book, the Hand on the Wall.

    14. Strong rec for a Kindle if she doesn’t already have one. And show her how to hack it so she can keep library books on it forever.
      I think she’d like Tana French — The Secret Place would be great, it’s a mystery set at a girls’ school.

    15. I just read This is How You Stop Time by Matt Haig and thought it was lovely. It’s about a man who ages very slowly so he’s about 500 years old, but looks 40. The novel follows him throughout history as he tries to figure out what to do with this long life that we live.
      How about a book journal so she can keep track of everything she’s reading? Or just a nice journal or notebook in general?

    16. 1. Levenger dot com for all of the paper goods and good pens for writers

      2. Print out the tax court case of VC Andrews (I think that this is genre fiction not the fancy kind of fiction referenced earlier this week) so your budding writer can read about how to monetize her work, even from beyond the grave. It is very G-rated reading.

    17. An aunt gave my daughter a pair of socks that read, “Bookmarks are for quitters” which I found so delightful, I ordered myself a shirt with the same saying on it.

      The foundation that supports my library has an amazing gift shop! Yours might, as well.
      https://shop.lfla.org/collections/book-lover

      Finally, this isn’t a stocking stuffer but I had a custom print made by Ideal Bookshelf for my daughter of her 7 favorite books. She loved it!
      https://www.idealbookshelf.com/

    19. Philippa Gregory has wonderful light historical fiction about Tudor England. And there are a lot of them so it would keep her going for a while. Also there are some tv and movie adaptations of them.

    20. This is very similar to my own taste. I’d also recommend City of Girls and 7 1/2 Deaths of Evenlyn Hardcastle (I know, super similar name!!!) and Lillian Boxfish Takes a Walk. Maybe also the Lady Janies series?

      You could buy a one-off box from a book subscription to get a bunch of bookish related items. Owlcrate is a YA subscription box that has a bunch of past boxes or stand-alone bookish items that might spur some ideas.

    21. A reading journal. Leuchtturm makes a great one, or the 2021 planner with room for notes would multitask.

    22. I am very late here, but people who like The Great Gatsby usually like Tender Is The Night, which has similar themes and in some ways feels more real.

  19. For the poster asking about Microsoft Teams yesterday…

    Under other settings, there is a view called All Together. It creates a room of all meeting participants who have their video on. My director loves it when we are having a full team meeting, since it allows her to see all 30+ of us.

  20. Sorry if someone has asked before, but does anyone have The Mirror for exercise? I’m not a Peloton person. Is The Mirror worth it, it is silly, is it just a fancy TV?

    1. My neighbor who I love has it and loves it! She is also not a Peloton person. The way she describes it makes it sound more like a fancy mirror (which may be no help as a description!). I think it’s a fancy interface to encourage you to and get you excited for exercise, maybe similar to Peloton. No one needs the fancy on-screen video workouts… but we sure do like them! Several women I know who love Peloton also love Mirror, just as anecdata to anyone else that I don’t think it’s an either/or kind of device if you have unlimited space.

    3. I have one! I love it. So easy to use, huge range of classes, instructors are amazing. Is it worth it? That’s a hard question to answer. With a Peloton, you are getting a piece of actual equipment PLUS classes. With the Mirror, it’s a big initial investment for a display device plus classes. However, I do find the Mirror a lot more engaging than say, streaming a class on a large monitor. There’s just something more engaging about the whole experience, and I’ve only taken the “on demand” classes. There’s a very active and supportive Facebook group you can join to ask questions or read previous threads where people debate the pros/cons. It’s hard to say whether it’s worth it for you or not … it’s not inexpensive. Personally, I was a 3-4x / week OTF goer, I don’t have room for a Peloton or treadmill (plus, I like to spin but I didn’t want to spin all the time) and the Mirror has been a fantastic substitute. It’s not as awesome, but since I won’t be in an actual gym for the foreseeable future … it was definitely worth it for me.

  21. My aunt is turning 70 and likes “cheap wine” to quote my mother. I’m trying to think of a great gift that would be fun (and wine related) but is not overly fancy. I wasn’t too impressed with the quizzes from Winc… the blind tasting kits at Argaux look perfect but too fancy for her. Can anyone recommend anything I can send to her? Thank you!

    1. Champagne and potato chips. They actually go really well together – the acidity and bubbles from the champagne cut through the fat and salt from the chips.

  22. Any recs for a desk mat that is not “squishy”? I want something that is smooth and kind of hard, as I don’t like the feel of my pen sinking into the paper with the leather/pleather mats. Just got a new desk that has a grained wood on it, so want something smooth to write on. TIA!

      1. +1 – I have glass on top of my wood desk. The surface looks as good as the day we bought it.

  23. Seriously, where does the other sock go? We just had to have our dryer taken apart so now I know the answer is not that they’re stuck somewhere in the dryer. My washer drains into a utility sink so the answer is not down the drain.

    Every few months I have to throw away 4 or 5 mateless socks. Where do they go?

    I used to buy my socks in a multipack at target but now that y’all have me buying smart wool socks, it hurts a lot more!

    1. My hamper is inside my closet and every once in a while I pull it back and find a bunch of socks that got wedged in between the hamper and the wall when I tossed them in there.

    2. They’re between your washer and dryer and the wall. Or at least that’s where mine are.

    3. Try looking at all of your husband’s sweaters that are similar colors to the missing sock? Worked for me this morning, lol.

      1. This is where ours end up, too. Or inside their related pants still in the hamper.

        Honestly, though, I don’t think I have ever truly lost a sock in the laundry. I match them all up when putting away each load, and if there is a single, I track down its mate, whether static-clung to other items, still dirty in the hamper, dropped from the basket behind me on the steps, etc., it always turns up. I always thought it was just a cartoon trope that they went missing there.

        1. Oh, I forgot about the time where one got into the front pouch of a cheap 5K souvenir quarter zip while in the wash, and from there worked its way inside the lining of the damn thing. I wore it for months like that, thinking the lining must have just gotten messed up, all the while bemoaning my lost sock (it was a Smartwool, too!).

          1. That is too funny!

            I did have a knit glove go missing once for an entire year. After watching them at the end of the winter, I could only find one (and DH was the one who took care of that load of laundry). I kept the single tucked away in a drawer and searched all over with no luck. Fast forward a full 12 months when it fell out of one of DH’s hung up shirts.

            At least I knew it was okay to get rid of that shirt, since he clearly had not worn it for a full year.

        2. I have also never lost a sock this way. Also why are you throwing away socks, OP? Are each of your pairs of socks unique? Seems pretty wasteful to me. Four socks could be two new pairs.

          1. Like a thin ankle sock and a thick knee sock? No, they’re generally not salvageable as a mismatched pair.

    4. The missing sock monster is everywhere. I tamed mine by buying a big mesh laundry bag that zips shut. It hangs in my hamper, and socks go directly into the bag, then laundered in the bag. I don’t lose socks anymore. The kid who follows this system doesn’t lose socks anymore. The kid who won’t do it loses all the socks.

    5. I’ve had socks get stuck in the doorway gasket on my washer. It’s a front loader, though. Otherwise, I feel like a lot of the time the socks just don’t make it into the laundry basket together. I have kids who mysteriously love to walk around with just one sock on….
      The single wool socks are great for dusting, though.

    6. I try to buy bunches of matching socks – like 20 pairs of athletic socks or 10 of the same pattern smart wool socks or 10 of the same boot socks (back when I went to the office and wore boots all winter). Then they all match and you don’t end up with orphans. I made my kids do this when they were young and I did their laundry. But I still do it for myself now.

      And then I have a mesh bag right where my laundry basket is and I put all my socks in the mesh bag. In addition to matching socks, this makes it easier to find them and I don’t have to rifle through the whole basket.

      1. I only have matching socks. One kind that are black and one kind that are white. It takes zero effort to fold them and whenever one goes missing, there’s usually a spare hanging around in my drawer to match it up with.

        Also, the mesh bag trick is huge. For some reason, my socks always get stuck in the gasket of front load washers, and they are completely soaked when the wash cycle is over. The bag prevents this.

        1. I ONLY HAVE MATCHING SOCKS too!! I am sorry for yelling but I was super excited and now will go completely out of my way to buy a bagfull of single colored Hanes socks for everyone in my family!

    7. I safety pin my pairs of socks together when I take them off. That way I don’t have to rematch them after washing, and it seems to help with the wandering off.

  24. Recently a poster wrote about a missing necklace question and this board said it was her fault. I have another jewelry conundrum for everyone.

    I received a Cartier trinity ring for my birthday. It slid on and off my finger with no problem the first time and then got stuck. When I say stuck, my finger turned purple, and the ring had to be cut off at the emergency room. I called Cartier and they acted like it had never happened before, but to send it back and they would give me a repair quote. I did so, assuming that my finger was a different size than what I thought.

    Fast forward, they quoted me almost full price to repair it, and I got sized. The correct size was ordered and received originally (the one that had to be cut off). I spoke to them again about sizing. They admitted this was a known issue and and even sent me a video of how if the ring becomes “imperfectly nestled” that it can become stuck and not moveable even if you have the correct size. He said they even had diagrams of how it can become stuck.

    My opinion is that this seems to be a known design issue and the ring is at risk of becoming “imperfectly nestled” at pretty much any basic use- Hand shake, turning door knob- literally anything. There are not any warnings or instructions that come with this ring. It seems dangerous not to warn the customer that even if they order the correct size that the ring could become so tight that it requires an emergency room visit for removal!

    Who is in the right? My fault or theirs?

    1. Good Lord. That seems like a defective product that they shouldn’t even be selling.

    3. Their fault, particularly if they are not sending any sort of warning info with the ring. Yikes.

      1. No warning info, but I talked to the credit card company and they said Cartier was in the right because they have a video telling you it has to be perfectly nestled.

    4. Theirs, obviously. And that previous poster you mention lost her necklace and wanted the warranty to cover that, it’s not anywhere near your situation.

    5. Theirs, obviously. And that previous poster you mention lost her necklace and wanted the warranty to cover that, it’s not anywhere near your situation.

      1. Thanks- Cartier and the credit card company told me I’m an idiot for not knowing, so I have begun to question my righteousness.

  25. Inspired by the dentist post earlier.. has anyone consistently dealt with people who are not wearing masks/not wearing them properly and decided to speak up about it? What do you say? Personally I am noticing an increase in people wearing face shields without masks, which is pretty useless. I think it is most likely ignorance, but possibly they are anti-maskers and have found this works as a “loophole” (masks have been mandated in my state since early on). It feels like slap in the face every time I see it and ideally I would like to say something, but I don’t want to be a “Karen”.

    1. I only do it if they are in my space and moving away isn’t an option. Which fortunately is pretty much never. (And also we have very high levels of compliance around here.)

    2. I don’t think saying something is worthwhile. People who wear face shields without masks, along with people who wear their masks below their noses, are deliberately flouting the rules, and they are not going to be persuaded to change their ways. The more likely outcome is that they will attack you. If you feel you must take action, write a letter to the business owner or manager explaining that they will no longer be getting your business because they are not requiring proper masking.

    3. i did once in my apartment building, but i live in TX and with our open carry laws i’m too nervous to do so in the grocery store or something

    4. I just glare. People are unpredictable, especially antimask nutters, and I don’t want to risk being assaulted.

    5. “Karen” is a misogynistic and ageist slur. Speaking up for your safety is not wrong. However, given how many psycho gun nuts are out there, I would probably not speak up unless I was speaking to my doctor or dentist or someone in a care role who was not wearing a mask.

    6. I would say make sure you know the whole story! I had a lady yell at me when I was in my own backyard with my husband, presumably she thought it was like public property or something? Idk but it was very rattling and I felt so violated to be yelled at on my own property.

    7. I told a guy in the grocery store that his mask wasn’t doing him any good around his neck and got yelled at for my trouble. Haven’t engaged anyone directly since, but I do very deliberately move away from people who are unmasked.

      1. I was masked in a Seattle grocery store that required masks (and checked as you went in) in a mask-mandated state. I had been looking at olives for like 10 seconds, so I don’t think I had inconvenienced this 40 something guy, who said “Excuse me” then reached in front of me to get olives before I could move. I stepped away, annoyed. Then he coughed. I looked at him then (had kept my face turned away to be polite) and he had a bandana around his neck! I was furious so I said “Wear your damn mask!” And he turned and said, very nastily “I can’t understand you – you’re wearing a mask.” I said “You are an idiot!” as loudly as I could. As I thought about it, I think that he coughed at me on purpose. I’m immune compromised and had only felt safe going in because of mandatory masking and reasonable compliance to that point. That was my last foray into a grocery, drug or hardware store, I do only online or curbside pickup now.

    8. I try to get away from them ASAP. Chances are they are NOT going to correct the problem AND on top of that will yell at you/offer an explanation for why masks are unnecessary or fine to be worn below the nose or around the neck or whatever. Do you REALLY want to engage in a dialogue with a stranger right now and have them speaking and breathing in your direction? Frankly speaking spews even more air/particles and is the last thing you should want — I say move away quickly.

    9. It’s not worth the trouble. We’re eight months into a pandemic; these people know exactly what they’re doing and will only enjoy getting a rise out of you.

    11. I was in line at the post office, and an elderly woman behind me had her mask on her chin and was standing directly behind me — it would have been too close in non-Covid times! After a few times of me moving up to the next “spot” and her following, while everyone else was distanced, I turned to her and said “ma’am, please keep your distance” and pointed to the spots on the floor. She walked back to the spot behind me, and said loudly to the man standing there, “THAT GIRL IS GOING TO HELL!”.

      1. To which you should have replied, darn I guess I’ll have to see you there too

  26. Thank you to Miss who replied yesterday to my question about allergy to bananas. Relieved to know that I am not going crazy!

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