This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Back in April, when I was young and naïve and hoped that this pandemic thing would be over in a few months, my after-work walks were the only thing keeping me sane. Now that it’s dark and freezing, outdoor walks are a bit trickier, but no less helpful for my own mental health.
This Athleta top is one of my favorites for layering without getting too bulky. I wear this with a tank top, a thin sweatshirt, a light-colored jacket, and clip-on strobe lights that border on obnoxious, but hey, safety first. If you’ve bailed on the outdoor sanity walks since daylight saving time ended, I highly recommend suiting up in layers and reflective gear and giving it another try. It’s been great for me so far.
The top is $69 and comes in regular sizes XXS–XL, petite sizes XS–L, tall sizes S–XL, and plus sizes 1X–3X. Uptempo Top
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
Has anyone done the ABA 21 Day Racial Equity Habit Building Challenge? My firm is trying to find something to do around racial equity and having not actually looked into the challenge much, this seems just like a way for us to say we have done something without actually doing something. But maybe I’m wrong and I would be really interested in feedback from anyone who has done the challenge.
blueberry
Just looking at it, it’s not a bad thing to do personally, but I’m not sure if the entire team would really read and internalize all of this
anon
That’s the problem with all of these things.
blueberry
Okay, I just clicked on “Girlhood interrupted” and started reading it – its fascinating and important to me, so I will read it in bits and pieces throughout the day, but its 23 pages. Most people are not going to have the time to read it, much less think about and absorb it, during a single work day.
Anonymous
“Challenges” like this are just a way to push the responsibility onto employees. The idea that racism is purely an issue of individual bias and can be fixed by teaching people not to be bad is why we still have systemic racism. The firm needs to take a hard look at its structures, policies, and culture.
Anonymous
Don’t disagree but I do think one aspect of addressing culture is addressing individual bias and this can play a role in achieving that. It’s not an either/or, it’s an all sides issue.
Anonymous
There is little to no evidence that anti-bias training actually reduces bias.
anonshmanon
Do you mean there isn’t evidence that it works regarding racial bias? There is evidence of successful interventions with hiring committees regarding gender bias. Anti bias training is in a handful of tools that lead to a more gender balanced applicant pool, more balanced shortlist, offers being made and accepted by more women.
Anonymous
+1. This is why I decided to sign up for the hiring committee at work to reduce bias in recruiting. The other committees are focused on implicit bias training, which is neither reliable nor valid, or language use, which just seems to be pissing people off. I think the biggest need we have and where I can contribute the most is standardizing our hiring.
Anonymous
It’s still recommended as part of an overall approach – not as a standalone solution: https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-019-01301-8
-” employers who roll out many initiatives aimed at boosting awareness of bias and its effects signal to employees that the organization is serious about combating bias. That stance is likely to increase employees’ motivation to learn. Employers who offer one-off diversity and anti-bias training sessions indicate to employees that it is not a priority.
Chang suggests that employers offer repeated or longer training sessions paired with other tactics, such as deciding on hiring criteria in advance of evaluating candidates, or evaluating candidates jointly to reduce bias. “Diversity training is not a waste of time,” he says. “But employers can’t rely on it alone to solve all their problems.”
Anonymous
anonshamon, yes, little evidence re. racial bias.
NYNY
THIS
I understand that there are whole departments for employee learning & education, so they love to turn every issue into a training opportunity, but systemic racism won’t be solved by bias training. Especially if the employees see that the top of the org is still white baby boomer men.
Anon
I thought the problem though is that the people being racist don’t even realize they are being racist. They think the white man they hire is a better fit, better communicator, more assertive, whatever. This is all implicit bias against women and non-white people.
Pompom
^this, anon at 12:01
The people who don’t attend “because these don’t work; I hire the best person for the job!” are the ones who need to attend most, I’ve found.
NYNY
Yes, Anon @12:01, but only to a point. As a middle manager, I have always recruited and promoted a diverse team. But senior leadership in my organization, and particularly in my department, is decidedly not diverse and not doing anything to remedy that. I’ve had to fight HR – the same department pushing out hours of mandatory implicit bias training – to pay my diverse new hires as much as they pay the VPs’ nephews and buddy’s sons who didn’t even have to interview. It starts at the top, even if it doesn’t end there.
systemic change
I agree with the other posters that these “challenges” don’t bring about the necessary systemic change in a workplace. Our company has done a lot of targeted work to improve representation at all levels of the company. We specifically went to look at new hiring pipelines for minority candidates. We require a “diverse slate” across all hiring panels to ensure that every open req. has at least one underrepresented candidate in the pool. We’ve standardized our interviewing and promotion processes to ensure everyone is evaluated using the same standard vs. “fit” or “I don’t know, I just like them/think they’re ready”. We make a concerted effort to offer mentorships, secondments, and growth opportunities to all employees, not just the loud ones who speak up or raise their hand a lot (this came up at Google, for example, you had to nominate yourself for a promotion, so of course the women and people of color were less inclined to do that than SWM). Just telling people to “notice” things or read something isn’t going to change the systemic issues of not hiring, not retaining, and not promoting underrepresented people.
Anon
This is the ABA, right? I hate to say that in BigLaw, where firms only hire from the top 5% or 10% of a class (or anyone from HYS), do they really think that they will get a diverse slate? If you hired from the top half of your local law schools, you’d broaden things up a bit. But firms are prestige wh*res. I don’t think that will change. And IDK at what point you get subpar candidates and there are clearly too many lawyers in the pipeline (vs jobs), so you will inevitably have to weed out people arbitrarily (but it would seem that you can weed-in people arbitrarily, too).
I was on the diversity committee once. I asked why we didn’t at least recruit the top 1 or 2 people from our state’s HBCU law school (like in DC, show me a BigLaw firm that doesn’t recruit at Howard) and practically had people snorting their coffee (but we did; we eventually had 3 hires, 2 stellar and one just washed out (which, honestly, we have had the same or worse outcomes from our usual T25 law schools), and then stopped; IDK if we will go back but there probably will be pressure to at least try again this year).
Anonymous
But there are BIPOC in the top 5-10% at HYS? Just hire them? Not ideal, but change that and then move on to recruiting from HBCU.
Anon
I mean, fine if you are Cravath. But if you are in a city not NYC, BOS, DC, LA, SF, etc., you probably aren’t on many candidate’s short list of firms and cities. Even at an AmLaw 200 firm’s smallest branch office. Everyone wants the same candidates. No one wants the rest.
Seventh Sister
We did it in my government office. I think it was helpful to me and I definitely read some things that I wouldn’t have otherwise read. To be frank, I don’t know how honest people were in terms of their actual positions (there was probably oversharing and undersharing), but I didn’t think it was a waste of time.
Anon
Someone was telling me how horrified they were by a diversity CLE they attended recently—how the theme was not holding black and Hispanic lawyers to the same standards as white lawyers since they’re not used to meeting deadlines or using proper grammar and firms have to accommodate those cultural differences if they want to increase their diversity. This is all secondhand so I’m taking it with a grain of salt, but assuming that’s accurate I’m offended as a lawyer and would be doubly so if I were a black or Hispanic lawyer. Is this really the trend in diversity trainings?
Anon
Definitely there’s research on how grammatical conventions were chosen in the first place to reflect the language of people who already speak a certain way because of their ethnic and class background and how language conventions are used a shibboleth today. It’s not just “proper grammar” vs “improper grammar,” but often “acceptable errors” (the kinds of errors white middle class people make, which are treated as oversights, typos, or mistakes) vs. “unacceptable errors” (errors that betray a different dialect background, which are interpreted as reflecting education or ability). Essentially there are “tells” in written language use that can be used to discriminate people from different language backgrounds, even when they are stronger and clearer writers overall.
Duckles
I think typos/missed words in an email are a part of life, but I’ll admit really basic grammar mistakes in external documents make me look at someone differently, especially when they’re in a marketing-type role (eg if an IT person has poor grammar in his emails that doesn’t affect anything)— I’ve been asked to review some things that are going to be client-facing and holy comma splice, Batman! I would be mortified to have the document published by our company. So theoretically I understand your point but it’s hard for me to imagine “acceptable” grammar mistakes by a lawyer.
Anon
I think it’s necessary to have style guidelines and required grammatical conventions for work product. The idea isn’t “mistakes are okay,” but “why do we treat these mistakes as really grave errors and these as human fallibility.” And the answer unfortunately has a lot to do with who makes which mistakes.
Anonymous
My employer recently had an anti-racism trainer come in and one of the statements was that language requirements are racist and I think any benefit the training could have had was lost in that moment because language is almost the most critical part of my industry and being able to communicate clearly in several languages is essential.
Seventh Sister
I agree that kind of statement can be counterproductive. But I have worked with people who hyperfixated on correctable spelling mistakes or split infinitives or passive voice to decide that people (or their positions) were stupid, when it could well be the case that those people didn’t have editing or proofreading help. (This was in regards to work product, obviously resumes and cover letters are a different issue.) I can’t have my secretary proof my letters because I don’t have one. And these were usually the same people that resisted having a list of office conventions because according to them, the rules were always the rules.
Anonymous
Talk to me about prenups, please. We are recently married, both with significant assets from many years of work and frugality, and signed one to protect our separate nest eggs. For those who have one, how much do you think about it in terms of making joint financial decisions like retirement and major purchases? Did its prominence in your financial lives fade over time, or do you still follow it diligently years later?
Ellen
Prenup’s are good. Dad had me go to his lawyer when he thought that I was going to marry Alan, b/c I was in your shoes, having worked hard for years and Dad did not want him to fritter my money away once we married. He worried (correctly) that Alan was lazy and would never work if he had access to my money. So when I talked to Mr. Schwarz with Dad, he spent 30 minutes going through all of my assets, as well as the assets Mom and Dad had that they would be bequeething to me, and he had a shell form that he completed and has ready for me.
Under the draft, I would also keep all of my pre-existing property, as well as any property that would come to me via inheritance, even after the marrage. In exchange, I would give up any rights I had to any of his assets (ha!), and also agreed in the draft to pay him $3,000 upon execution as pure consideration to ensure the legality of the prenup.
While it is forutnate I never married Alan, but we still have the draft of Mr. Schwar’z word processor. He says all he has to do is to fill in the name, address of my new spouse, and with a few other conforming changes, I will be ready to go!
I totaly recommend it to anyone in the hive who has a putative spouse who is lazy and would spend your money and drink all day while you work. Fortunately, I was smart enough NOT to marry such a yutz in the first place, but since we think guys can work out, it is possible I will get burned if I ever get married without a prenup.
Veronica Mars
It’s unclear from your comment if you got one or are considering a post nup. My husband and I combined finances when we got married, and he intentionally comingled his nest egg, as did I– without any kind of prenup. I would hope that it became less important as you went through your marriage, especially as you worked toward joint goals like owning a home, paying for repairs/renovations/cars and other expensive items, etc. Retirement I think is a bit more cut and dry given the contribution limits and the tax-advantaged status of them, but I’d be planning for that jointly.
Anonymous
We signed one before getting married. Mostly curious how others use them in practice years later and how they play into major financial decisions that likely rely on those separate funds.
Veronica Mars
That seems particularly challenging, it’ll be interesting for other ‘rettes to weigh in. Personally, I think resentment is one of the biggest issues to fight against, if it seems like one spouse has a pile of money or an exit plan and isn’t contributing to the challenges you’re facing together.
MK
Following this with interest! I did a very basic prenup defining some separate assets and agreeing that neither person will pay alimony, and literally haven’t thought about it since we signed a month before our wedding. But it’s only been a year so who knows!
I was just shocked at how few of my friends (women lawyers!) got one, and how reluctant people are to discuss it. I’m very interested to read how other Corporettes feel about this.
Anon
I don’t feel this way- but to me it seems like there is a stigma attached, and that’s why people are reluctant to discuss. Almost like a you and your partner must not trust or love each other if you got a prenup kinda attitude.
Anonymous
We had really limited assets upon our marriage eight years ago. We have built significant assets now, but philosophically, we see those as marital property and would not object to their equitable distribution in the event of a divorce. Maintenance is generally rehabilitative in our state, not a long term obligation, and likely inapplicable as we both have law degrees. Child custody/support can’t be contracted for in a prenup so I just don’t see why I’d need one.
Anon
Same here. Plus circumstances can change over time. If something caused one of us to stay home for the benefit of the marriage and then we divorced, I’d expect the person who had given up their income would get alimony until they were back on their feet.
Anonymous
Yes, we are talking a lot of separate assets, including sizeable retirement accounts on both sides from working for 15 years. I’m asking here because there is definitely a stigma associated with it in polite discussion.
Anon
I am a woman lawyer who did not get a prenup. Had I married someone wired differently from my husband, I would have considered it.
Anon for this
So lawyer married to a lawyer and we discussed and we opted out of a prenup. We agreed to not be jerks if it ended and out out there what mattered to us, but that’s a handshake deal. I know you can never be certain and only time will tell, but 10 years in, I’m not worried about a divorce. We spend more of our time worrying about things like life insurance and long term care. We also married later in life and both had significant assets going in, so we felt confident in our ability to revert to independent lives if necessary. One quality we share in our value system is not being jerks and doing the right thing so I trust that we would live up to our handshake deal if it ever came to it.
Seventh Sister
I didn’t get one because it wasn’t to my financial advantage when we got married. He was making about 1.5x my salary, more like 2x with bonuses. We also didn’t have many assets.
If we split, I’d be very, very surprised if the property division was anything other than a 50-50 split, given our jurisdiction.
Anon
As someone who went through a divorce, I would highly recommend a pre or post nup, and abiding by its terms. As a lawyer, I did think about a pre nup before we got married, but in my situation, it was my spouse who had the assets to protect – not me – and he did not ask for one. When we got divorced, we ended up signing a post nup without much dispute or contention – but, if we had done a pre nup, I would have gotten a lot less in the divorce.
Now that I have assets of my own, next marriage – I will absolutely have a pre nup agreement. Not directly what you asked, but thought I’d throw in my two cents.
Anon
Also- make sure that a good lawyer drafts it for you. I do a lot of appellate work and have done many appeals on pre-nup agreements. They end up in litigation over what various terms mean and also I have seen where parties didn’t address how to divide major assets. Seriously, they decided who got the lamps but not how to deal with Husband’s business. And if there is an “out” like one person doesn’t get anything if there is an affair, the level of proof required should be defined. It can be surprisingly hard to prove an affair.
Anonymous
I am confused. I thought a prenup typically governed what happened in the event of divorce, not what happened during the marriage? Are you saying that you set up a system in the prenup that was supposed to keep all your money separate, and now you’re having trouble figuring out how to act as a unit?
Anon
For celebrities, I know some say that a gift of >10K needs to be accompanied by a gift letter or it won’t be separate property you get to keep if you split up. So stuff like that with “what happens during the marriage.” Like that Rolex / fancy car? Not something you get to keep unless there is paperwork backing that up.
Anon
I don’t think she’s asking what people legally have to do, but rather if it affects how they behave in their relationships going forward.
Anonymous
We did this as we were older when we got married and had assets to protect as well as inheritances. We pay expenses out of community property earnings and each of us continues to individually control and manage their pre marriage or inherited separate accounts and assets.
Anon
This is what we have done. I had family money and my partner had stock in a company that had not yet gone public at the time; so basically we were protecting my money and the possibility of my partner’s money. In practice, after the company went public, we bought a house with some of the proceeds from the stock and hold title jointly, so that money has been comingled but otherwise nothing else has. Day to day we live off post-marriage income and all of that has been joint from the get-go. Neither of us really uses the separate money, though in practice if there were some sort of emergency where we needed it we would both be willing to use it for joint purposes.
Anonymous
we did not sign one, married at 29. we both had some retirement funds but not much (~80k) but each person’s was very comparable. also some additional savings (on the order of 50k) but once again, they were very comparable. i was lucky in that i did not have student loans (scholarship + state school) and DH did, but it was not huge (15k). the default “prenup” 50/50 and we felt that reflected each individual coming into this marriage anyway, so we didn’t opt for one.
Tax lawyer
As a lawyer in this area, prenups mainly protect the separate property of the parties accumulated before or during the marriage. If you aren’t bringing much into the marriage and don’t anticipate a large inheritance, you probably don’t need a prenup because most or all of your property will be marital property and divided 50-50 in a divorce. As to the OP’s question–not sure whether she’s asking if people who sign prenups later decide to commingle their separate property, such as to make a major purchase? In my experience, the longer the marriage the more likely spouses are to commingle assets, but they usually keep their separate assets in separate accounts, even if they use the funds to purchase things for the family (thus converting separate property to marital property).
Anonymous
I was just married last year and asked my mother, a divorce/family law attorney, to prepare one as a wedding gift for me (spoiler alert – she didn’t, and I felt bad bugging her about it). I discussed it with my husband multiple times and he would have been fine with one, but wasn’t interested in doing it himself. My most significant asset at our marriage was the equity in my house, in which we were living, and we ended up selling it and buying a house jointly this year (with both of us contributing) so I’m not currently pushing a post-nup. We keep separate accounts anyway, and just pool a portion of our income for joint expenses. At some point, I do think having a post-nup would be nice, but I don’t think it would change our attitude at all, since we’re already somewhat ~money separate~. We’ll see what having a kid does to that.
Anonymous
Gottex has a very similar top that is my favorite. Unlike a lot of gear tops, it is really soft.
fallen
Really tempted to get this mug and use it for all my zoom meetings:
https://www.etsy.com/listing/801737531/feminist-gift-mugs-for-women-funny-mug?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=mediocre+white+man&ref=sr_gallery-1-1&frs=1
Ses
While I think stuff like that is kinda funny, I’ve cooled on saying it out loud and wouldn’t have something printed with it.
The idea of “punching up” is complicated in practice, and I’m not looking to randomly make some particular white guy feel crummy for no reason.
OP
Lol I was joking, I wouldn’t actually get it for a zoom meeting. But it is a daily frustration working with many white men!
Ses
ok fair enough hahah
blueberry
Ha this is one of my personal mottos. Especially since I work in a field with a lot of mediocre white guys who think they’re hot shit
Anonymous
At my last job I would have 100% done that since I gave no effs about potentially being fired and was totally cool being combative to the offenders. However I have been blessed at my new job by genuinely amazing colleagues who I am grateful for everyday.
anon
1. I love that! and would completely get that AND use it for zoom meetings.
but
2. this was one of my favorite coffee mugs at a previous job (I gifted it to a co-worker when I left, so I no longer have one….): https://store.dieselsweeties.com/products/fucking-coffee-mug
Anon for this
Can someone talk me out of quitting my job? I had some kind of real mental breakdown yesterday. I’ve been dragged into a nightmare of a year end project with insane deadlines and fuzzy expectations. Once, two weeks ago, I didn’t return an email between 12:15 and 12:45 and the horrible woman in charge of the project called my supervisor to tell her I wasn’t working that day. That was the end of my lunchtime sanity walks. Im assigned things like, resolve 100s of cases a day, don’t worry about doing x,y, or z. Then -I need all the x,y and z stats for the 200 cases you handled two weeks ago, today now! Or, your cases are on for 12 pm – just kidding they are on now! This is on top of my usual heavy workload.
Anyway, yesterday, I could have sworn management reassigned my regular hearings, which were high dollar, high profile, and involve witness testimony in front of an arbitrator who is notoriously inclined to make attorneys look terrible. Of course, as I’m handling one thing I’m getting 100 frantic calls on the other and the person who they were reassigned to won’t call back. Everyone is saying the calendar says I’m handling so everyone is calling me. So I’m questioning whether I made some horrible mistake and called a supervisor in tears. As she was calmly walking me through everything, I found the email where they were reassigned.
The thing is, I just sobbed for most of the day and last night. Like I was traumatized from the very real possibility that I dropped a major ball. Or the feeling that a major mistake is just imminent. I feel like I just can’t do this. I hate working from my house and the insane pressure of Christmas expectations is not helping. (It’s honestly 100% from one person in my life but I’ve tried for years to escape it and can’t this year.) I’m pregnant and just need to “hold on” for a few more months until April but my mental health is just shredded. I don’t know when I get a break or even what a break looks like these days. There’s a foot of snow outside, no childcare, and all the expectations remain. There is no lunchtime, emails all night long and important information is hidden or addressed “optional” video meetings.
Anonymous
All the hugs. That sounds horrible. Keep your lunchtime sanity walks. Take a work phone if you have one.
Can you get childcare? Where is your DH in this? Do you have any close family that could join your household bubble for a month to get through this? Push things back to your supervisor. It sounds like she helped when you went to her. I know the push back is additional work but you need to do it.
If you can afford it financially, take maternity leave early (can you make it two more months to end of Feb?), then quit before coming back. Enjoy time off with your baby before job hunting.
anon
+1 if you can afford to, financially speaking, and if you can get health insurance from your partner, then take an early marternity leave. I job hunted before my situation was ever this bad but I definitely saw some red flags similar to what you are experiencing and decided I needed to go while I still have my sanity intact. Poor management, zero boundaries, unsupportive boss (who threw me under the bus in a very awful way when I announced my departure while simultaneously guilt tripping me into staying). It’s not worth it unless the next rent depends on their paycheck.
all about eevee
Okay, so question: does your supervisor have your back, or nah? With the e-mail thing between 12:15 and 12:45, how did your supervisor react to that? If they reacted badly and insisted that you should be responding to e-mails much more quickly, I would recommend getting out of this job if you can swing it financially because it just isn’t worth your mental/physical health and well being, especially when pregnant during a pandemic. If you feel your supervisor DOES have your back, I would recommend a conversation where you float the idea of being able to take a real lunch break during the day or draw some real boundaries in your evenings. Yes, many of us here are type A and overachievers. Work is an important part of life, but at the end of the day, you need to remember that at some point in the future, you are not going to be working at this firm/company anymore and that someone else is going to take your place. There are only a few possibilities with this job – either you lose the job, get another job, or retire from this job. There’s no possible future where you are at this job forever. Don’t martyr yourself for a firm/company that will one day happily replace you and keep moving on as if you never worked there. The only thing that truly matters in life are your friends, your family, a safe home, and your health. Prioritize those parts of your life over all other things.
Op
Thanks for this. Yes, my actual supervisor has my back. I’m 100% entitled to lunch, it’s just that this woman is working SO hard to make me look bad. She was actually my direct supervisor for years and is just unreasonable and impossible to work with.
anon
Do other people know that she’s unreasonable and impossible? That, to me, is key.
I think you need to have an honest conversation with your supervisor about your workload, which does not seem reasonable. If he/she is powerless to help, that may influence your answer about whether to stay or go.
Anon
Have a very frank talk with your manager – I cannot manage this workload, it’s affecting my health, and something needs to change. Let people help you before you quit.
Anonymous
Sorry can’t! Quit!!!!!
AnonATL
I’m usually pretty conservative when it comes to changing jobs, but this sounds incredibly miserable and not something I’d want to deal with.
Also it’s unclear from your post if you are pregnant with #2 or #1, but regardless it is not going to get any easier when kid comes along.
I’d start quietly looking for jobs, even if that just gives you the feeling that you aren’t trapped while you stick this one out a bit longer. I wouldn’t blame you if you quit today though. Sounds awful
Anon
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. In a different scenario, my therapist helped me get over something I had catastrophized. My dog was attacked by another dog but somehow miraculously (likely due to her hunting vest) she had no injuries when we finally got the other dog off of her. Like, not even a scratch. As an attorney, I have heard of horrible cases that I won’t repeat here but I fully expected to see a large gaping wound when I pulled the other dog off. So, my brain suffered the trauma I thought was happening instead of what really happened. I was going through how do I get my badly injured dog out of the woods when it turned out she wasn’t injured at all. (Side bar, the other dog owner was actually great. Followed up with us. Apologized for dropping her dog’s leash. Promised to have a more secure way of walking the dog so it would never happen again. Offered to not use that trail.)
Anyways, my therapist had me re-tell the story multiple times from the perspective of what actually happened versus what I thought was happening. So at first I’m freaking out saying “I thought this, I thought that” and she stopped me and had me start from the beginning. So cutting to the chase the short version of my story is now I grabbed the other dog by his harness, turned him away from me and my dog. Put him on the ground and his owner tackled him. My dog had smooth fur, perfectly healthy and a happy tail and she trotted home as if nothing ever happened. It is a very different story that what my brain had been telling me.
So in your case, your brain is likely reliving all of the scenarios where you messed up and were in major trouble. That’s not what happened. So keep telling the correct story. Other people didn’t know my cases were re-assigned. I called my manager who confirmed for me that they were reassigned.
Long term, I agree with everyone else’s suggestions. I just wanted to help with this immediate stressor.
Anonymous
Not OP, but this is amazing. Thank you for sharing.
Anonymous
+ 1million
You have a great therapist.
anon
Whoa. I think this just changed my life. (Also not OP.) Thank you for sharing this!
Anon
So glad I could help!!
Anonymous
Here’s the pep talk I would give myself:
You have a solid end point and half of this month will (hopefully) mean you get some break for the holidays. So I would start to look at this being a matter of weeks. I only have to get through X weeks.
Refocus priorities around YOU knowing it is only X weeks. Over the next X weeks, it’s important to me that I solidify networking–I will take time to solidify relations with A and B. The horrible person calling me over lunch and wanting an immediate response wouldn’t be one of the three references I would use anyway, so let her be a bit mad.
Change your mindset to one of failure instead of perfectionism. This is the hardest part as someone who is high achieving and juggling a lot of balls. But imagine worst case scenario with your key projects–especially against the backdrop of only being there a set amount of weeks now. X gets done by someone else or X gets done later than deadline or X doesn’t get done. Will I get fired? Would getting fired actually be worse? What you may not realize because you’re in it so deep right now is that folks around you need you or you wouldn’t be juggling so many balls. They would most likely rather have you at three-fourths or even half effort than to not have you at all. So it may be hard to give yourself permission to fail a little, but it’s still serving them better than just quitting. Also, can you push up to get your supervisor to help prioritize or give you resources to allocate to?.Can you push back on the “optional”–you’re already short on time so don’t need to be in meetings that may not matter. By making someone else carry the burden of giving you whatever background you need for a formal assignment, you’ll train them to respect your time (right now there is no “pain” to them being wishy washy about your presence). It’s going to feel weird to say no to some things or deliberately delay or ignore them, but you’re in a “give yourself the oxygen mask” moment. The choice is the project gets delayed or lesser-value items get ignored or you’re going to quit and be off it entirely which serves neither them nor you.
Do not quit. Let them pay for that maternity time or maximum sick days you can take or what have you, you’ve earned it.
anon
Where in my large city can I buy a king sized bed headboard and footboard and carry it out of store today? Shipping is so terrible that the one I ordered in November seems to be lost and they can’t tell me where it is. So annoying. So anyway, Target? I can’t even think where else. If it helps, I’m in Houston.
Anon
You might have luck at Home Goods or World Market.
NY CPA
Ikea?
Anonymous
This. The Hemnes line is made of wood and is very classic.
Anon
IKEA was able to do next-day delivery for me earlier this week.
Anonymous
Facebook marketplace.
Anonymous
Or Craigslist/whatever second hand site is popular in your location.
JTM
Local furniture store clearance center. For the clearance stuff they usually have it in stock at the location.
Friday
Depending on where you are: Gallery Furniture. I think they do same day delivery.
Veronica Mars
I’d Amazon prime a hospital bed frame, personally.
Anonymous
Houston has some amazing estate sales, antique stores, and furniture stores. You could shop local and find a good quality hardwood headboard for the same price as Target or IKEA.
Other houstonian
Any specific suggestions?
Anonymous
Macy’s
Anon
Furniture store
Sunflower
Gallery Furniture’s store at 2411 Post Oak Blvd. has nicer things than you might think from their TV commercials. They will deliver today.
anon a mouse
Call Nadeau to see if they have any in stock — I’m not in Houston but the one by me always has interesting headboards.
Small Christmas dinner
Favorite Christmas menu ideas that could work for a small family (3 people), especially appetizers, sides, and desserts? Only restriction is no cheese/cream (butter ok). I love cooking and baking so willing to try even complex or challenging recipes. I’ve tried searching the web for Christmas dinner for 2 or 4, but mostly they offer suggestions for main courses only or the recipes are still huge.
Anonymous
The Barefoot Contessa roasted chicken.
Anonanonanon2
We’re doing a ham because there are so many things you can do with ham leftovers
Small Christmas dinner
A ham is definitely a possibility in my mind for a main for either Christmas eve or Christmas night (we usually do 2 big dinners). What are you planning to accompany your ham?
Clementine
Man, with 3 I would do something fancy and over the top. Filet or Chateaubriand (which is basically multiple filets together).
What I do when I’m looking for inspiration is seek out the menu of a restaurant I really have wanted to try and then pick the items I would order off the menu. Then, I recreate them.
So (looking at two restaurants I’ve been wanting to try but haven’t because I haven’t eaten inside a restaurant since March and have eaten outside once) mine would be:
Crabcakes with an Old Bay Aioli
Cioppino with house made sourdough bread
Flourless Chocolate cake with a mint whipped cream
Husband just tried this because he said it sounded fun and he is going with:
Bacon wrapped dates stuffed with bleu cheese
A wedge salad
Steak au Poivre
Eggnog creme brûlée
Anonymous
Fantastic idea!
anonshmanon
I’m doing a roast duck filled with prunes, with dumplings, very traditional central European winter dish. It’s not so different from roasting a chicken, but feels fancy. There will be leftovers but they freeze well.
pugsnbourbon
+1 duck is the answer here.
Anon
That sounds amazing
kk
hi! Do you mind sharing a recipe? I havent liked duck when I’ve had it in the past- it tastes too much like blood for me- but my husband likes duck hunting and so I’d love to find better ways to cook it.
anonshmanon
Hi, I am sure you can find similar recipes online, but here is my family recipe: my duck comes from the supermarket shelf, all the innards removed. You do need to cut off the rump – the fatty base of the tailfeathers – and discard. That’s where the glands sit that make a really unpleasant aroma. I rinse the bird, pat it dry and rub 2 tbsp of salt on the inside and outside. I poke the skin all over with a fork.
The filling is 1-2 handfuls of dried prunes, soaked in red wine for a few hours, and 1-2 apples, peeled and cubed. They go in the bird. My mom would either sew the bird shut or use a metal skewer to pin it shut. I just leave it as is and accept that some of the filling will fall out along the way.
I use a small roasting pan with a lid, although one year I had to make do with a cookie sheet and tinfoil and it also worked (but the oven needs cleaning after). Put the bird in and slow roast with the lid on, at 220 F, an hour per pound of weight (so my 5 pound duck will slow roast for around 5 hours). Every 45-60 minutes I flip it over (and some filling falls out), and poke again with a fork. This helps the fat to seep out. Also braising with the cooking liquid is optional at each turning, but the lid means that it doesn’t dry out too much. If there are giant amounts of fat in the pan, I spoon some out and save it. How much fat there is can wildly vary with the individual bird. I imagine if you hunt wild ducks, they would have less fat. The last 20 minutes, I take the lid off (or the tinfoil), and increase the heat to 350. That makes the skin crispy. The filling is served on the side. Deglaze the roasting pan to make a gravy. It’s really doable!
beef wellington
Beef Wellington! It’s so delicious and decadent and a lot of work, so worth doing a smaller portion for a special occasion. We used Gordon Ramsey’s steps and recipe, and we’ve used horseradish and various mustards with great success. Because there’s a decent amount of wait time between steps, we did a charcueterie board for appetizers. We also like to bake, so we’ve done homemade bread as well if we want to make a day of it. Start the bread in the morning so that it’s baked by the time you’re ready to start the beef wellington, and you can have cheese, fancy olives, and homemade bread for appetizers. We also love bacon-wrapped dates for appetizers. We’ve done roasted asparagus, green beans, or roasted brussels sprouts for sides, tossed in olive oil, garlic salt, and pepper. We’ve also done fingerling potatoes, but that’s quite a lot of rich carbs for one meal, given the puff pastry. And for the dessert, I LOVE the hazelnut bundt cake from Bake or Break. I have a fancy bundt pan so it looks just beautiful. It’s dense but not too sweet, and perfect for pairing with decaf coffee with a touch of Bailey’s. With some spaces to avoid mod: bakeorbreak.com /2010/04/ hazelnut-cake/
Pompom
This! I make individual beef wellingtons with filets and they are easy peasy.
Veronica Mars
I did a Turkey pot pie for Thanksgiving this year, and it was wonderful! I bought a small breast, and slow cooked it in my crock pot. Then I shredded it, put the bones back to make stock, and did the filling. I intended to make the crusts from scratch but that got away from me.
Anonymous
We make a full turkey no matter how many people and make and freeze pot pies with the leftovers in a big assembly line. I use frozen mixed veggies and store-bought crust, so it’s actually really quick!
Veronica Mars
Yes! That’s a great method. I didn’t want to have to deal with a whole bird this year, thus the crock pot.
Flats Only
And before anyone snobs out about store bought crust – know that it’s far superior for pot pies, where you want something sturdy. I’ve made them with both store bought and homemade, and the home made didn’t hold up.
Veronica Mars
Hear, hear! I usually like to do a cream cheese and butter based pie crust, but I don’t do a bottom crust because a) I don’t think it needs it b) then you don’t have to worry about making your filling super thick and c) it’s slightly healthier. But if I do a bottom crust, it’s always store-bought. Then a homemade top crust. No one can ever tell that it’s a store bought bottom, especially if the top is all nice and rustic and homemade.
anon
Would you buy the same crust that you’d buy for apple pie, or are they different kinds?
Veronica Mars
It’s the same pie crust, although generally you want to make sure it says “deep dish” on the package so you have more room for the savory filling. Those are in the freezer aisle with the breads. You’d likely use a standard depth for a sweet pie. The roll on crusts are in the refrigerator section with the tinned biscuit dough.
Anon
It’s usually just me and my partner, and I love a cooking project. In past years we’ve done:
-homemade gravlax (the recipe from Do Ahead Christmas by James Ramsden) + brown bread (the Smitten Kitchen black bread, halved) + thinly sliced red onions + capers.
-homemade perogies + bacon + sprouts
-rouladen (my husband’s mom’s recipe) + gravy + mashed potatoes
-acorn squash stuffed with wild rice stuffing, kale salad with pomegranates
Duck would be fantastic, or cornish game hens, if you can find them.
Senior Attorney
For the past couple of years we have done Italian:
Arancini (Sicilian rice balls YUM!): https://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/mozzarella-arancini-stuffed-rice-balls
Pasta aglio e olio: https://www.bingingwithbabish.com/recipes/2017/5/4/aglioeolio
Caesar salad: https://www.recipelink.com/msgbrd/board_0/2002/SEP/62413.html
Tiramisu (I got this recipe in a cooking class in Verona and it is easy and delish):
6 eggs
150 gr sugar
500 mascarpone cheese
3 dl coffee
500 gr thin crisp lady fingers cookies ( savoiardi)
cacao powder
Directions:
• Separate the yolks from the whites
• whip the whites
• beat the yolks with the sugar and add the mascarpone cheese , and the whipped whites gently
• dip for a very short time the cookies in the coffee, place in a bowl, cover with a layer of mascarpone cream, the cacoa powder, place another layer of coolies and cover with the rest of mascarpone cream
•powder the top with cacao before serving
HOW TO PASTEURIZE EGGS:
Create a sugar solution. Boil on the stove 150 gr of sugar and 25 gr water until iy reaches 125 °
Add the hot sugar solution to the whipped yolks and beat them quickly in a stand mixture (or you could probably use a hand mixer)
This is a vegetarian version because my son is a veggie, but you could add meat the to the rice balls and do a bolognese sauce with the pasta.
Budding Writers?
Has anyone taken a class via Gotham Writers Workshop? I’m not in NYC but all their classes have online or Zoom options right now. I’m curious how people’s experiences have been. I am considering the Fiction I class and am not sure if I’d like online (which is where they just post the assignments and lectures and you can view anytime) or Zoom better. Thank you!
Hildy J.
I did, for years, and then became a professional journalist! It was a long time ago so I don’t know how helpful I can be, but even in 2004 (!) they made online a really good experience so I can only imagine how great it is now. That doesn’t help you with your question, of course.
Budding Writers?
This is actually a great testimonial, even though I’m sure it’s changed since that time!
Hildy J.
…as they say, “writers write!” Good luck.
Anon
Good home printer recommendations? Not looking for anything that needs to seriously scan or print perfectly, more to print return labels for packages I return, letters I type out to grandparents who don’t email, occasional recipes, etc. Looking to spend $100 (is that even possible?). My 14 year old printer I bought in college is finally giving out.
Anon
Long shot, but look for a used one on ebay, maybe even the same model as your old one if you like how it works. Read the description closely and look for a seller with almost perfect feedback. Otherwise you will spend more for something that might not be as good.
anonshmanon
A non-recommendation for the HP envy that I bought a few months ago on Craigslist. The cartridge (bought new) was supposed to do up to 190 pages, but gave in after less than 100. Such a hassle.
Clementine
SAME non-recommendation. Bought at the start of the pandemic, crapped out after around a dozen poor quality pages.
anonshmanon
Since other people here like their hp, mine is HP envy 4520 to be exact, with HP 63 cartridge.
Anonymous
For similar needs, I have a HP DeskJet 3755 I like. It’s around $90 now.
Emma
I have this too. It’s not great for big documents (that time I tried to print a 100 page contract to review was ill-advised) but it’s fine for letters, labels and forms to sign. I have the app so I can print and scan from my phone, which is convenient.
Anon
I really like my HP Tango
Anon
I’m OBSESSED with my (new this pandemic) printer – Brother Compact Monochrome Laser Printer, HL-L2350DW (I think, it could be a slightly different model but they’re all similar enough).
It’s the wirecutter rec, and it’s SO GREAT. Wireless printing that’s a breeze (even two floors away), it’s SO compact, and it’s a laser printer so I don’t have to worry about ink drying out. It’s $120 on Amazon, but I think it’s worth the extra $20. I put off buying a home printer for a long time because I didn’t want to waste space on one, but it’s so great and I’m so glad I have it now.
And yes, I understand it’s sad I’m so excited about a printer. Whatever, it’s 2020
Anonymous
I have the same one! For about 3 years now. I find that I sometimes have trouble connecting and printing from my laptop but wireless printing from my phone works perfectly every time. Overall, I really like it and highly recommend it. It finally ran out of ink after about 3 years and replacing the cartridge was easy — I got the new one from Staples and they took the old one for recycling. It lives on the bottom shelf of my bookcase and its pretty unobtrusive. I mostly use it to print recipes (I hate cooking from a screen), coloring pages and worksheets for my kid, and return labels. I have no missed having a color printing function once since I’ve had it.
Desk
B/w laser printer is the answer here. You’ll end up wasting time and money on inkjets only used sporadically. Every time I would print, i would have to clean the head and run a bunch of diagnostics.
The laser printer is so much more reliable and monochromatic keeps it affordable.
AnonMom
Another vote for a b/w laser printer. My Cannon model has more features than you probably need with a scanner (scans in color) and b/w copier, but even then it was only about $150 and the toner cartridges last about a year with 3 people printing from it daily. We’ve had it for about 5 years and would replace it with the equivalent current model should we ever need to.
anon
Brother printers play nice with off-brand ink cartridges. It’s not really the printer cost you should be looking at, it’s the ink.
Anonymous
I bought a HP three in one printer with insta-ink at Costco and it’s been three months and I’m loving it! So much better than my long suffering Epson. When I was at Biglaw I did have a laser high speed printer at home but it was pricey (the cartridges) — I feel as if the Instaink may be quick economical. And, my printing needs are less. And, double sided!
Anonymous
Btw, the Costco was the HP Officejet Pro 9018 All-In-One Print, Scan, Copy, Fax with InstaInk (a subscription with eight free months). It is quite economical so far. Mostly do personal printing with the occasional work printing.
Anon
Many years ago, I was in BigCity BigLaw. We had a women’s group, but it was weird — a lot of events that were very HRC and friends book clubs, fluffy outside speakers, nothing really on how to be successful in BigLaw. I remember thinking that at the time I didn’t have mom issues, but had recently fostered a cat and marveled at how even juggling a cat was hard (no sudden work trips that were more than a couple of days, vet trips interrupting the work day by mandating not just the vet trip but the subway to the apartment to the car to the vet and then again in reverse b/c no one did WFH then, etc.). It was hard. One woman had kids, and she did appellate brief-writing (so: SCT clerk, excellent resume, HYSx2, etc.).
I still practice, in a tiny regulatory area, in a smaller city in a not-fancy state. In BigLaw, it’s the sort of thing a staff attorney might do, or maybe a counsel, but not partner-track stuff (and not partner-track hours, which is how it is manageable now that I have kids). I wonder about the people I used to know — when you take the subway and daycare is in an office building near work, apartments are tiny, etc., how on earth are people managing? I find it barely bearable myself, and I have a lot less working against me. For the first time, I wish someone would take care of me because I am so, so exhausted from redlining it for 9 months (and years before that, just a different redlining where you could go to dinner and see friends and recharge).
At any rate, good luck to all; stay well and stay sane.
Anokha
Honestly, barely holding on.
anon
+1 pregnant with a toddler working in big law. 2020 may kill me
anne-on
+1 come on over to the moms board where most of us are holding on by our fingernails….
Anonymous
A festive question, what do you do for Christmas thats specific to your country? I live in the U.K. and things we have that I think other places don’t are Boxing Day, Turkey for Christmas dinner, tins of quality street, Christmas crackers, nativity plays, Christmas pudding, the Queens speech and Christmas Day tv specials? We also never do family photos on Christmas cards.
anon
Germany: The main gift event happening on Christmas Eve, and the roast goose on Christmas day. Lots and lots of carved wood decorations, some with lights or candles. Wooden figurines that you put incense into, to make them look like they are smoking a pipe. Mulled wine and Christmas markets (not this year). The tree only goes up the morning of Christmas Eve.
Anon
We have turkey (North Carolina, the eastern part of which I swear still is very Elizabethan). Also: nativity plays (called “Christmas pageants,” which are different than beauty pageants) and TV specials (one station plays a logs burning in a decorated fireplace nonstop for people without fireplaces).
What are “tins of quality street?” I am a native English speaker and am drawing a blank here.
Anonymous
Me too on the tins! Are we talking about tins of shortbread or tea from certain companies?
Anonymous
Quality Street and Roses are brands of chocolates that you get in a box all year but at Christmas they come in a big metal tin. There’s quite a divide over who likes what, and the ‘Celebrations’ sweets which are a newer addition but same idea.
anonshmanon
PSA, you can get the nonstop fireplace video on youtube, and it works great to cozy up a dreary conference room for your co-worker’s birthday cake break (in normal times). If it’s not dreary, use the video of waves rolling into a tropical beach instead.
Anon
I liked to put on the Lil Bub yule log video during holiday parties (remember those?) and you just made me realize I could do that now, as I’m working from my dining room!
Anonymous
Eastern Canada so basically same as the UK ones (I assume Christmas pudding is the plum pudding that you light on fire?) except nativity play is usually at church on xmas eve, plus everyone sends family photo xmas cards and often sledding on Christmas day if we get enough snow. Inconsistent on if we watch the Queen’s speech. I like it because she reminds me of my grandma, but DH DNGAF.
Anon
Canadian prairies and basically this – minus the pudding (we have butter tarts instead), and plus ice fishing on Christmas Day.
Anon
Mmmmm… butter tarts! I miss them so much!
Diana Barry
Not specific to the US, but I have Polish ancestry and we do soup and bread dinner on Christmas Eve – usually like 4 different kinds of soups but this year I think I’ll do 3 since it’s just the 5 of us – and we pass the oplatek wafer (like a communion wafer for Christmas) and each talk about what we wish for every other person at the table for the next year.
Anon
This sounds so sweet!
gov anon
Also of Polish ancestry and have similar traditions. As well, dinner on Christmas Eve isn’t served until the youngest child sees the first star in the sky.
Vicky Austin
oh that’s adorable.
Emma
I’m French, so we do our big dinner and gifts on the 24th. Seafood starter (oysters, salmon, shrimp), then turkey or some kind of poultry, a cheese plate, and yule log. We usually do a nice breakfast (often featuring Pannetonne or Stollen, neither of which are particularly French) and festive lunch on the 25th, and usually take a long walk somewhere in between the two with the whole family. Lots of champagne. We also light candles and sing carols, but that’s a tradition imported by my American mom :) We used to do midnight mass, but no one is very religious so we tend to skip it. We also don’t do family photos on Christmas cards – all of our Christmas cards are purchased from UNICEF. The French aren’t tippers, but there is a whole tradition of “les étrennes” holiday tips, and the postal workers sell calendars to raise funds for various causes.
Anon
Whiskeypalian and I love the midnight services at church.
Anon
I’m in the US and am very pro-Turkey for the Christmas meal (I could get down with roast beef or duck too, but my fear in life is marrying into a family that eats ham on Christmas!)
anon
this made me laugh!
Anonymous
It’s a combination that turkey is too good to be relegated to once a year and I’m meh on ham and so once a year at Easter is more than enough for me (I wish I was in a lamb for Easter family!)
Anonymous
So funny! Our family traditions were a carefully negotiated compromise between my mom’s southern feast and my grandma’s northern feast. If I recall correctly that meant alternating years of goose and ham.
KS IT Chick
My late mother grew up in SE Oklahoma. Thanksgiving was turkey, Christmas was roast beef, Easter was ham. These did not vary. Ever.
Jeffiner
My husband’s family is Italian-American in NYC, and they do the Feast of the Fishes on Christmas Eve. I’m told they originally did 7 different types of seafood for dinner, but its since evolved into about 4-5 dishes that everyone actually likes, along with lots of pasta and three different sauces. Christmas Eve was also my DH’s grandmother’s birthday, so for dessert we have birthday cake and sing to her (she passed away over 15 years ago).
Anon
My family also does feast of the fishes on Christmas Eve. Not this year, since it will just be 3 of us instead of 60+.
Shelle
This sounds lovey! We also do this because of my husband’s Italian American family. This year it’s just the two of us but we’re trying to figure out how to do it anyway!
NYNY
I grew up in New Mexico, and so did my husband, so we always have tamales, posole, and red chile for Christmas Eve dinner. And if I do any holiday baking, it’s biscochitos, which are a lard-based, mildly sweet cookie with anise seeds in the dough and cinnamon sugar on top. So delicious!
Anonymous
I am from New Mexico and we do a traditional New Mexican Christmas–tamales, enchiladas, posole, beans. Then for dessert, coffee or hot chocolate with traditional cookies (biscochitos). We would go to midnight mass when I was young, but we don’t anymore. We go out to look at luminarias (paper bags with sand on the bottom and a candle.) on Christmas Eve. Whole neighborhoods line their streets with them and it is really beautiful.
NYNY
Hi fellow New Mexican!
Anonymous
Hi! So neat to see other New Mexicans on here!
Gail the Goldfish
I’m in the Southern US, and I don’t know that there’s a Christmas tradition specific to the South (there always seemed to be variations among what people have for Christmas dinner, for example)–maybe live nativity scenes at churches? I don’t know if those are as big other places.
But for New Year’s–collards and black eyed peas (for money and luck in the New Year)
Very anon for this
Upper Midwest US and my extended family of at least 3 generations always played midnight basketball in our socks at a local gym on Christmas Eve. No idea if that is just my weird family or if it’s a tradition larger than us, but I have so many good memories and will definitely miss that this year.
amberwitch
In Scandinavia, and I think we have imported most of our Christmas traditions from Germany;
Advent candles on the 4 sundays before Christmas
Lucia parade on the 11th
On the 24th: decorating the tree before dinner, dancing around the Christmas tree while singing Christmas songs after dinner and then unwrapping all the presents
Food related:
Local types of cookies; Pebernødder, vaniljekranse, klejner, brunkager – and all families have their own recipes passed down through generations
Usually riceporridge with cinnamon-sugar and butter is served for dinner the day before and then the leftovers is made into dessert for the Christmas dinner by adding tons of whipped cream, almonds, sugar and vanilla (ris alamande)
The Christmas tree decorations are designed for maximum carrying capacity as they are filled with candy and cookies and are a free for all after the dancing and until the tree is taken down a few days later.
anon
Ooo, love this. Czech & Slovak Christmas traditions are a mixture of German and our own.
We also start with Advent 4 weeks before Christmas with a wreath with 4 candles: first week, you light just one, second week, you light two etc. December 1st is usually start of Christmas markets.
Kids get an Advent calendar with 24 windows, each day, you open one window and get a treat (usually some kind of chocolate).
December 6th, we polish our boots and put them into windows for St Nicolaus to bring treats for good kids and coals for bad kids.
Few days before Christmas Day, we start baking traditional cookies – gingerbread with white icing, vanilla buns, Linz cookies and we would go to a forrest to chop a fir tree and decorate it. These days, most people get a tree from a garden center or just decorate a fake one. My family puts the tree up only on Christmas day.
On Christmas day (24/12), we have nice breakfast and Catholic tradition dictates a fast until dinner. My family is atheistic, so we have a proper lunch (sauerkraut soup with mushrooms, sausage, dried plums) and go for a long walk. Mom usually “forgets her scarf” and while we are politely waiting for her in freezing cold, she is throwing gifts under the tree. After 2hrs walk, we either come home or go to a mass to church (yes, we go to church 1x year for the atmosphere and to meet friends). Catholics attend a mass either at 4pm or a midnight mass. Once we are back, we open gifts and have dinner: wafers with honey and garlic, soup (traditionally fish soup), and carp fish with potato salad as main dish. We also halve an apple to see how good next year will be (if the apple halves have a nicely defined star in the middle, the year will be good). During the day and evening, we watch traditional fairytales from the 60s and 80s on TV (German Corporettes may recognize Czech classic – Three wishes for Cinderella with songs by Karel Gott).
Next day, we eat leftovers and visit families and friends.
Fun fact: I lived in Poland for 3 years and their Christmas Eve dinner actually consists of 12 different dishes.
anonshmanon
thank you for reminding me of that movie classic!!! Will try to watch it with my sister even though she is far away.
You mom and her scarf reminds me of our family tradition. We would also go on a walk and discover upon returning that we must have missed the Christmas angel who left the presents under the tree. One year my sister wasn’t having it so all we could do is send her next door to fetch grandma while we quickly got out the presents. Over my sister’s urging, grandma totally forgot that it was her job to stall for at least a few minutes and we almost got found out!
Anon
What personal “achievements” are you proud of that don’t relate to spouse/kids/work? I’m looking for ideas… I’ve really been struggling with the feeling of everyone else moving forward in life (getting married, having kids, buying a house) and feeling like I haven’t “achieved” anything in the last couple of years. I planned to do my first triathlon this year to give me something to work towards and that sense of achieving something but that obviously didn’t happen. Any ideas or examples of personal things that have given you that sense of “achievement”?
Anon
I’m in your shoes, and a couple of years ago felt pretty much the way you seem to feel right now (and also had a big athletic milestone I’d been working towards canceled this year….). Shifting from thinking of “accomplishments” to thinking of “things I’m proud of” has really helped me manage my thoughts around this. I’m proud of having a warm and welcoming home (I rent an apartment but it’s set up well and I’ve hosted some really nice events for friends and family here), being a leader in a few community groups, nurturing my friendships, being a good auntie to my friends’ kids, being enthusiastic about trying new things and hobbies, and being adventurous about meeting new people. Thinking this way helps me see that I’ve grown and stretched a lot in the past five years or so, even though I’m not sure any of this could really be called a singular “accomplishment.” I feel like I’ve built a pretty nice life and the people who care about me see and recognize that, which means a lot to me.
pugsnbourbon
Fitness-related goals are big for me (hitting a certain squat weight, etc). My other goal is to teach myself a Harry Chapin song on the harmonica – it’s … not going great but I’m trying.
Goals I see my friends doing/talking about include reading challenges, knitting, book or article writing, and working through a cookbook.
Anonymous
I don’t think of things in terms of ‘achievement’ but in terms of all the different activities that can be tried out and life experiences that can be had. In January (pre pandemic) I took a snowboarding lesson which was fun but made me realize I much prefer skiing. I started taking ice skating lessons in September and I’m loving that (masked activity in area with no community spread)
If you like triathlon maybe try winter trail running? or mountain biking? Or something completely different and take a painting class or a cooking class? Both painting and cooking have virtual options.
Anonymous
This is my approach too. I try to have great experiences, even if I don’t have a specific goal, and to spend my free time well. BC, I rock climbed, rode horses, whitewater rafted, went skiing as much as possible, tried surfing, learned to knit, began learning more about architecture (a long-dormant interest), and traveled. It looks different now in COVID but I still strive for valuable experiences wherever I can.
Anonymous
Oh, and I got into backpacking! Not sure how I forgot that one since it’s really become a passion.
The original Scarlett
Similar, but my take is I focus on living well. The achievement mentality stresses me out – I’m happy to leave the series of things to check off behind to my younger self and focus now on the things in life that I enjoy.
pink
yes! this and finding joy everyday. I like the “living well”. Realizing we have ONE life to live… made me want to live well!
Anon
I have gone camping and not died or been seriously miserable or hungry or too hot/cold or had the wrong foodwear. Which for 2020 is a win for me.
Anonymous
Not sure if this is too “work” related, but I pitched and was accepted to speak at a well-regarded conference in my industry. Getting that gig gave me the confidence to pitch and get accepted for others. And eventually I was able to speak at the biggest one in my industry on a panel with someone from a company I hugely admire. And I get such a huge rush from being on a stage. Pandemic wise, this probably doesn’t translate all that well. But I know getting published with industry trades often works the same way (and also can land some great speaking gigs down the road).
Bonnie Kate
I love this question, because I remember a specific time in my life when I was bored (mid-later 20s) and decided that I needed to personally do something about it. So I started following my curiosities and making things happen. I figured out that most of the time making things happen means just showing up and not talking myself out of showing up. Here’s what following my curiosities and showing up lead to:
1 – I went to yoga teacher training, no intention to really teach, but ended up teaching and loving it. I would not recommend to anyone that they do this to actually make money, but to do it as a hobby. One of the things I miss most of all about this pandemic time is teaching yoga classes on Saturday mornings. Post-pandemic I am planning on opening a small yoga studio in my rural town; already have the space in a super cool community incubator building, someday it will all align when we’re all be able to safely breathe inside together again.
2 – I completed a 10 day silent meditation retreat. I started meditating during YTT and it’s the healthiest thing I do for myself most of the time. In my daily mediation practice I count even small sits (5-10 minutes), so nothing crazy. The 10 day silent meditation retreat was kind of crazy :) but I’m proud of it.
3 – One year I read 100 books. I’ve noticed for some people on this board that isn’t huge, but just tracking the books (I’m pretty terrible at tracking) and achieving 100 felt good.
4 – I’m really involved in my small community. I started doing this by just simply showing up at Village board meetings. That led me to meet more people who were really involved in the community (they were curious who this young woman was who was community-minded), which lead to joining the active local volunteer club (and ended up in a leadership role because that’s how small volunteer clubs work – they get ya right away before you know what you’re in for!) and then I ran for/ won a seat on my small local Village Board. I served 1.5 terms then moved. It’s been a few years I’m moving back into town and they want me back but I’m trying to resist it because overall I did not find it rewarding. The thing that draws me back in is that I feel a sense of responsibility towards the village/serving – we’ll see how long I can abide the decisions of the people who are on the board. I do very much enjoy the volunteer club and immediately re-joined that as soon as I was back in the area, and in the tradition of immediately using people who will willingly lead am back as VP/co-chair of the yearly weekend festival (that we had to cancel last year, of course).
5- I’ll add something that I tried and didn’t achieve (yet anyway) – getting a skydiving license. I tried skydiving, loved it, so I decided I wanted to get my license to do it by myself. I got around 6 solo jumps in (working on building skills) and then chickened out and didn’t continue. I still love skydiving, but maybe I really love tandem skydiving when someone else who is very experienced is responsible for getting us down safely. I haven’t went for a few years (since I chickened out of the solo license actually) but it’s definitely a post-pandemic thing I want to do.
anon
Fitness related: personal records on peloton, certain number of days/weeks streaks
Books: I keep a list of books to read when people recommend them, etc end then I check them off the list once finished. This really increased the amount of reading I do (a lot on my phone via the library’s e-books). Seeing that I’ve read almost 75 books this year feels like a huge accomplishment
Crafts: I’m trying to get into knitting. I haven’t been successful yet but I imagine finishing a product that has a tangible product at the end will give me a big sense of accomplishment. I imagine any project with an end product like a painting, etc would have the same effect.
Anon
Multiple national publications.
20 half marathons.
Cable TV interviews about Supreme Court cases.
Anonymous
I learnt the butterfly stroke, and can now swim 3/4 of the main strokes.despite only learning to swim in my 30s.
Anonymous
ICYMI, Mackenzie Scott has given away $4B in a matter of months, including to historically black universities. Thought this was really cool and wanted to share.
Anonymous
For some reason I cannot get the link to paste in from my phone, but there is an article about it in today’s New York Times.
Anon
I have a feeling that she was the original Mackenzie. It is so ubiquitous now (also: Madison). At any rate, I’m glad she changed her name back. We have a HBCU in my city and several in my state (SEUS) and they are wildly popular and produce most of the country’s Black hard science graduates and are the undergrad of a good chunk of the nation’s black doctors and scientists.
Anon
She is 10x the person her ex-husband is.
Anon
This. She’s amazing. I’m so impressed by her. I work in philanthropy and it’s hard to give away that much money that fast – what she’s doing is both important and actually kind of difficult, and I think she’s doing it well!
Anonymous
100+
Impressed not just by the dollar amount but also by the work that went into making a very substantive impact in broad number of areas vs a vanity project like a building named after her at Harvard
AnonATL
I just imagine him scrooge-mcducking in his money constantly.
Anonymous
Right? I feel like if Bezos did the same thing it would have gotten a lot more media coverage.
NY Times had a great article on the impact it has had.
Anon
I’ll be spending most of my holiday vacation days at home by myself (really ready for the pandemic to end.) I’m trying to come up with a calendar of fun things to do to keep myself busy and enjoy this time off (which I’m very grateful for.) If I need to order any supplies in advance, I’m planning to do that tonight. What fun things is everyone planning to do with any upcoming time off?
cara
I got an embroidery kit and a coloring book, but that’s more to occupy my hands while watching TV.
I would get as many physical books (from the library or bookstore) as I could. Nice tea and hot chocolate. Warm clothes so you can go for a walk (especially in the snow! so magical and wintry!).
I recently had some time like that and had a nice spa day – lush bath bombs are really better than any other similar product. Candle, book, tea in the bath, fancy lotions after – the whole works.
Bonnie Kate
Hopefully moving into our new house….assuming tile, trim, interior doors, countertops, and final plumbing all happens and we pass final inspection and get our occupancy permit. In the meantime shepherding all that and packing and jig saw puzzles. And watching Frasier and Christmas movies with my DH.
NY CPA
I got a gingerbread kit, a whole stack of DVDs of Christmas movies (I’m old school and like to browse my physical collection when I can’t decide what to watch), and a really good book I’m looking forward to reading.
Anon
I have a Q re grass-fed beef. I have had it in restaurants (remember them?). Yummy. I bought some and it just seems . . . very pungent. Like only the dog liked it. Is there a way to reduce the smell? Or is that how it is (maybe how it historically was?)? I bought a bunch, vacuum packed, just in case we got locked down again or had to quarantine (doing it now! thanks essential workplace exposure!). I don’t want to toss it, but what beyond roasting it could be a better move to make?
Anonymous
I wonder if you can soak it in vinegar water. I know some people who do that with poultry.
Pompom
Try milk, actually. It’s common advice to get the “gamey” out of lamb.
The original Scarlett
Sounds like it’s gone bad, we get it all the time and there’s no smell difference that I can think of…
Curious
+1
No Face
Agreed. I eat grass fed beef from the farmer’s market and the grocery store frequently. It is not gamey in the slightest.
If it smells bad, time to throw it out unfortunately.
Anonymous
That doesn’t sound right. Did your freezer die at some point and it partially defrosted then refroze?
Anon
No — vacuum packed and in the refrigerated section; bought last weekend; power has not gone off (so not long-haul frozen storage; use-by date was maybe a month out).
Walnut
Honestly, I’d consider taking it back to the store you bought it from.
Anon
I would do this, too.
Anonymous
No, the meat is bad. Throw it away. It’s not like commenters here can smell your meat.
Vicky Austin
When in doubt, throw it out.
Anon
Agree with others that it’s gone bad.
Go for it
That’s not safe to eat. Period. Pretty sure the last thing you’d want is food poisoning.
Recruiter screening
How do you figure out if a recruiter is reputable? I work in an industry (general corp management/exec) that uses some big name recruiters like Korn Ferry, but also tons of smaller boutique ones at any given time. I get reached out to by both types on LinkedIn a lot, and would like to keep my profile in their consideration for future roles. But for ones whom I’ve never heard of, especially when there’s like 10 people at the recruiting firm, I’m always a bit paranoid. To be fair, there’s nothing clearly scammy, and they seem genuine over the phone. They’re not asking for my SSN or anything like that, but I still don’t want to do things like send my detailed resume and whatnot if it’s some random shop.
anonchicago
I’m in the same boat and find the scammy ones far outnumber the decent recruiters. Korn Ferry, Spencer Stuart, and Charles Aris are the most professional ones that come to mind. There are others who have turned out to have decent roles, but the recruiters acted slick and I wouldn’t work with them otherwise.
Anonymous
You’re being weirdly paranoid
Anon
I prefer to use only recruiters that friends or colleagues recommend personally
CHL
I think it’s smart to be judicious – some of the best recruiters can be in small shops because they have a great reputation but there are also others. The worst thing would happen is potentially them sharing your resume in a way that outs you in some way that you don’t want to be seen as looking. I think it’s good to build relationships but not share a copy of your actual resume unless they have a specific opportunity — your LinkedIn and a conversation should be enough for them to have you in their rolodex. (or the computer version of that).
OP
This is great advice. Thank you! I’ll hold off on sending the resume “just for their records.” And I agree there are some really good recruiters in small shops, which is why I don’t want to dismiss them offhand.
Anonymous
A follow-up to the fun international question above! What Christmas traditions are local to your region of the US? I’m thinking things like Williamsburg fruit wreaths, oyster dressing, etc.
anon
So lots of good regional holiday traditions in Central Pennsylvania and my favorite is definitely roast pork, sauerkraut and mashed potatoes on New Year’s Day. My husband makes the best, with apples in the sauerkraut…so good! Here is a question for all about a ‘tradition’ that seems to pop up in the region and get discussed….the “cold dinner” on Christmas day….Ham, served room temperature with potato salad, macaroni salad, sometimes coleslaw and rolls. I have encountered this in my own extended family and others. The “hot dinner vs. cold dinner” debate also goes on. I am definitely Team Hot Dinner. Is the “cold dinner” a regional thing – do others know about this or serve this?
anon
Again from Germany – cold dinner is our tradition on Christmas Eve. Potato salad, cold cuts and bread belong on the table. The roast bird is served on Christmas Day.
pugsnbourbon
My mom’s family has always done “cold dinner” on Christmas eve, but that’s because the next day’s meal was large (and hot) and required so much work. Cold-cuts, relish trays and dips were easier.
Sunflower
Tamales on Christmas Eve.
Anon
+1 from a Bay Arean
Anon
I grew up in the south (but my family has New England roots) and I would definitely give you the side eye if you served me cold cuts and deli salads for Christmas. (Not a mean side eye, but a “what on earth is this??”) I’ve never heard of anything like that. I grew up with Christmas = Thanksgiving, the Sequel. All the same foods, just a few weeks later.
Anonymous
Same here, right down to the growing up in the South but with roots in New England.
NY CPA
Going to see the Rockettes at Radio City and The Nutcracker at Lincoln Center! Doesn’t matter how old I get, they’re both great. Sad they can’t happen this year.
Anon
NBC aired a lot of the rockettes show last night! You may be able to find it on demand.
I saw the show with my kids in 2018 (we’re Californians so it was a rare treat) and we loved it. It was simultaneously hokey and magical and unforgettable.
Anon
Luminaries. All the luminaries.
Anon
I am an American mutt so my culture is lots of cultures. My part-native mom from the Dakotas brought NYE oyster stew into the equation. My southern dad brought the blackeyed peas for NYE. My husband brought the idea of a big Christmas dinner to our family.
Having grown up in California, I also have to have tamales around Christmas, plus if I can beg some persimmons off someone with a tree, I have to make Nancy Reagan’s persimmon pudding (English pudding which is basically a cake.)
I’ve been cooking a prime rib or a goose for most Christmas dinners, not something I grew up with, so my kids will probably think that is a tradition they will take forward.
Anon
Sorry typo, the oyster stew is Christmas Eve, always, no exceptions!
It’s going to be challenging this year with grocery delivery to get the oysters.
Lizbet
Taylor Shellfish, a wonderful small company here in the PNW sells oysters in the shell and shucked online for shipping!
Maudie Atkinson
We have seafood gumbo on Christmas Eve, thanks to my mom’s Louisiana roots. It’s our version of the Feast of the Seven Fishes.
Maudie Atkinson
Oh, and always, always, always black eyed peas, collard greens, and cornbread for New Years.
LIlau
I’m a long islander with Jewish heritage but even my Italian American husband thinks Christmas needs Chinese food!
puzzle
I know y’all can give me a reality check on this.
I’ve been working a sort of “dream job” in a cool industry, but my contract will end soon so I’m job searching.
Pros of current industry – interesting, fast paced, impactful, good connections
Cons of current industry – long hours, limited career growth after some point, lower pay than industry
Let’s say I’m an accountant – I’m kind of now looking for in house accounting roles, in any industry, not necessarily the one that I’ve been working in. I’m not but same type of job that exists in every company
I feel like I got out of the cubicle rat race a bit by doing this dream job, and it just feels icky to be going back to it. I just had a phone interview where the interviewer asked why I could possibly be interested in working for their consumer products company when I had had such an interesting job, I can’t disagree content wise, but I said I was looking for more stability and that this role built on some things I liked but didn’t get to explore fully in my previous job.
But the fact that even the interviewer acknowledged that this possible job would be more boring than my current job.
I know the default advice is basically “suck it up and deal with it”, But I was told that when I disliked my job after college, and in reality I figured out how to go to grad school to put me into this technical field I like, and got this dream job. And excelled. If I had listened to that advice after college that would not have been a good thing.
So even if I take a interviewer-proclaimed boring job now I will be happy than if I had stayed in that first field out of college. But it’s still a let down to look for normal jobs now. Although there are definitely benefits like hopefully shorter hours.
Part of it is that I cannot be bored for 8-10 hrs a day. I have a great life outside work, but we still are at work for so long and I can’t be miserable that whole time. The poster a few days ago who said she keeps switching apartments and houses – I might be her in a few years – although I would def want to call my boyfriend a boyfriend earlier than a year .
Veronica Mars
What is your question? Whether you should continue to look in your cool-but-demanding industry vs. boring industry? Or have you counted yourself out from the cool industry and want a pep talk on the boring one? Hard to tell from your post.
puzzle
TLDR: Pep talk for the boring industry please.
I can easily talk myself into the cool-but-demanding industry lol
Veronica Mars
Here it goes: So much of your happiness on the job is often less about the work and more about the people you work with– your manager, your co-workers, and the environment. Even if the industry is more boring, you could be on a fabulous team and be really happy there. Plus, this is the year for personal recharging and growth. You’ll enjoy the stability and fewer hours. Use that time to focus on your health or a project that really energizes you. I’ve been taking a weekly “Interior Design for Homeowners” type course and it’s been feeding my creative side and giving me a lot of extra stimulation. I listen to podcasts (Ballard’s “How to Decorate”) during the day and that keeps me occupied with more basic tasks. Remember that every new job comes with pros and cons you can’t always anticipate from the onset. Plus, you are resilient and if it isn’t a good fit, trust that you can pivot and find the next opportunity.
puzzle
So I need to be careful about choosing a job with a good team and good hours. The one thing about the cool-but-demanding industry is at least the hours were somewhat warranted – I wouldn’t around to be hanging around because of “face time” or equivalent.
the gotham writers workshop mentioned above sounded good!
No Face
Why are you looking for jobs in the boring industry? Sounds like you like the cool-but-demanding one better and should go for that. If it is just the reality of the job market, take the boring job with the knowledge that you are not required to stay there forever. Take the shorter hours and appreciate the opportunity to live your post-pandemic life to the fullest when the time comes. When you get bored, look for a more interesting job.
Anon
I don’t understand why you’re not looking for jobs in your current industry . . .
puzzle
So I am looking for jobs in my current industry too. It’s a bit niche so there are fewer jobs, they take longer to hire, they pay less (but not drastically so), I keep hearing I should get a “real”/normal job eventually. . . but now this is making me think I shouldn’t give up on it! I have savings and expected this so it’s not a huge money issue. I can at least be pickier about boring industry jobs unless its a role and team I think is great.
Anon
It sounds like you’re not ready to leave this industry yet, and you don’t have to! If in the future you need more stability, fewer hours, etc, you can switch then.
Anon
+1. I went from a busy industry to a much slower one because I wanted kids and better work-life balance. If you’re happy in your industry, and it puts you on a path towards the life you eventually want, stay.
Walnut
Using your example of accounting, I think you need to think about roles outside of accounting that will still use your analysis/modeling/general business sense skills. There are a lot of product launch focused teams in tons of industries that are exciting and fast paced. Maybe your skills also work well in a tech-adjacent role where you’re on the business side solving problems?
FWIW, I’m an accountant by trade but haven’t posted a journal entry in YEARS.
shanananana
Looking for thoughts on long hair in professional environments as you cross over 40. I’ve had longish (few inches below shoulders to mid back, it varies) for almost my entire life, I feel like its part of my identity at this point. I take good care of it, blow it out and curl ends as needed for work, but I am a year away from 40 and struggling with being treated like I am considerably younger/less experienced then the (sometimes younger) men at work. I am not married and don’t have children and in general have taken good care of my skin, so I can see how I can skew younger when you first meet me, but I’ve worked with these people for a year now, they praise my work up and down, and then still act like I can’t possibly have the experience. I considered letting my (considerable) grey grow in but am still dating and feel like what might help work would hurt that. I guess I am looking for, is this in my head as an issue I am using as a scapegoat for other issues I need to look at, or do I need to start thinking on how to be okay with a more “professional” hair style if I want to be taken seriously. Honestly, the idea of having to bend to a norm makes me want to run from corporate environments so that may be my solution. I just had another frustrating conversation and am looking for guidance.
Anonymous
None of this has anything to do with your hair
anon
+1
Cat
Same, midcareer women in leadership in my company have everything from the ‘executive bob’ to long curls.
Anon
+1 have to agree here
pink
+1 as well.
Also, I’m on a deal with 3 women senior associates (I am one of them) and it makes me so happy but at the same time sad (since we’re not partners (yet))
Anon
If you feel you need some presence in a meeting, you can always put your hair up or do a low ponytail, but I don’t think long hair worn down is necessarily unprofessional. It might be slightly young looking, but there’s more to authority than how young or old you look.
When this pandemic is over you might consider a shoulder length lob and see if you like it / feel more age appropriate. I only suggest it because I think it’s a really nice looking cut on a lot of women.
The original Scarlett
Looking younger is not a detriment in the corporate world (sadly). Keep your hair. Learn how to put it up in a bun when you need a polished look. Continue to rock the work.
Anon
I agree with the poster above, it doesn’t have anything to do with your hair. Being taken seriously.
Anon
I don’t think your hair is holding you back. But, if getting a fresh look will give you more confidence, it’s worth doing for yourself. No one is going to promote you because you got a haircut. But I know that when I feel like I am really dressed well for the occasion, my hair is blown out, etc. I probably perform better than when I am wearing clothes I don’t feel great in, my hair looks just so so, etc.
Anon
Family condolence etiquette question: when grandma died, is it expected that grandchildren will send cards to their aunts and uncles? Sadly, we couldn’t attend the memorial, of course, although hopefully there will be something will be an online get-together.
DH is good at writing cards, but he relies on me to buy them and inform him when they are appropriate. But I don’t know about this one, so I’m asking y’all. TIA
Pompom
This wouldn’t be expected in my family at all, but families are all so different. It would be a nice touch, I think, to send something along the lines of losing grandma is hard for all of us, you were her kid, that’s gotta be hard; insert a memory here. Not required, but would be nice!
Anon
I think it’s family dependent but that would feel oddly formal in my family
Anonymous
Not typical in my family but I’m sure the gesture would be appreciated.
Anonymous
Writing a card is never a bad thing to do. When in doubt, do it.
The original Scarlett
+1 – I’m more of the school of do the most good so I’d take etiquette out of it. It’s always lovely to receive a heartfelt message.
Vicky Austin
+1. I say this often here, but “When in doubt, do the positive.”
Senior Attorney
This. If he’s so inclined, I think it would be a nice gesture.
Anonymous
No, that wouldn’t even occur to me. And I used to read etiquette books for fun as a teen. (Yeah, Sheldon Cooper popularity levels Ha.)
Anon
Hello, friend! I too read etiquette books for fun as a teen. Not just modern ones, but old ones too. Which gave me some outdated ideas (sorry, husband’s friend’s wife whose name we didn’t know who got an invitation addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Smith).
I miss my collection, but probably good that most of it is lost.
It also wouldn’t occur to me to write notes to aunts/uncles upon the death of my grandparent.
Anonymous
That seems weird to me. The grandchildren are among the bereaved, and the bereaved don’t write each other cards.
Anon
yes, this. i don’t think i know anyone who has ever done this, but obviously every family is different.
Anonymous
+1
I’m the one above who said it felt oddly formal. It feels formal because you’re all grieving together.
Vicky Austin
Yes, except it sounds like bc COVID, they aren’t grieving together, so I think a card is a kind substitute in this instance.
Anonymous
This is where I would write a heartfelt card that does not contain the line “I’m sorry for your loss,” but that talks about shared experiences and memories. “Hi Aunt Jo, I saw this card and knew Grandma would have loved the sunflowers on the front. I so wish we could be together to share stories and remember all the wonderful times we had at her house for Christmas…”
Anon
Sorry meant together as in you’re sharing the grief, not that you’re physically together
Anon
+1
I’ve seen in some families grandchildren do things for the funeral or the grave site, but not for other relatives.
anon
Since you couldn’t attend the memorial, I think that makes this a slightly different situation. It would be a lovely gesture to reach out to the aunts and uncles, though I don’t think it’s strictly necessary from an etiquette standpoint.
Anonymous
I personally would not write a letter but personally find etiquette asinine.
Anonymous
Emily Post defined etiquette as consideration for the rights and feelings of others. That is asinine?
Anonymous
Having ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ ways of expressing feelings or thanks is absolutely ridiculous. No one should be obligated to send a card when a phone call or email serves the same purpose. It’s just clinging to tradition and penalizing people for not following made up rules.
Anon
When my mom died, my cousins sent my siblings and I cards. I thought it was sweet but didn’t keep track of who sent what, so no grudges held either way.
My mom’s family is largely Catholic so they stuck $20s in the cards (or not) and I was confused about that, but apparently it’s a tradition to help with burial costs.
If you feel moved to send a card and have thoughts you’d like to share, by all means do it. But do not feel obligated to send a perfunctory card.
Anonymous
I’m really interesting in following a more Mediterranean diet in the new year. It ticks a lot of boxes of how my doctors want me to be eating, it’s foods I enjoy and feel good about. I have some great cookbooks but really looking for more of a plan or guidebook. Like yes obvi more olive oil, fish, less meat etc but specifically what and how? Has anyone read a good book along these lines?
Anon
I like the Pioppi diet book as a plan/guidebook (I don’t follow it all, but the parts that work for me I do).
Anonymous
Oh thanks this is exactly what I was looking for!
Anon
No. The Pioppi diet isn’t researched at all, and doesn’t represent the actual Mediterranean diet.
We’ve been eating “mediterranean” for the past 15+ years, more or less, due to some genetic issues and family background. We don’t have time for super complicated meals, so we follow a lot of the “30 minute Mediterranean diet” and “Weeknight Mediterranean” cookbooks. Both have a little intro at the beginning that I think help explain the general principles.
Basically we eat a lot of fruit and veggies, whole grains, and legumes. If we include meat, it’s more of an accent than a main course – like we’ll do chicken sausage and rice stuffed peppers for dinner, with a side of roasted carrots. Or beans tomatoes feta and hummus on a lettuce wrap for lunch. Or zucchini boats with quinoa, salmon, and mozzarella. We do red meat maybe once every two weeks – it’s mainly fish and poultry. We rarely do a “real” dessert and mainly end our meals with fresh fruit like melons and coolwhip or grapes and a piece of good cheese.
The entire point of the “diet” is to change your lifestyle into something you can sustain, so the idea isn’t to do complicated tracking or fasting or macros or cut out any entire food group. We did follow a meal plan for a few weeks at the beginning, to get a sense of the principles and establish some new “go-to” recipes, and when we’re in a rut we’ll search those to find new ideas.
Anonymous
Uh thanks I guess but specifically I am looking for more of a meal plan because I need more guidance
Anon
We follow the Mediterranean DASH diet, based on the book by Marla Heller. It’s fantastic.
I found it helpful to replace one or two items at a time. Change the Italian loaf to 21-grain bread, swap dairy milk for almond milk, get used to it, then make more changes.
anon
I’m dealing with a lot right now, namely a covid-related death in the family, and I am not at my best. I’m not even at 50% of my best. I can’t concentrate, get out of bed on time, and I’m doing the bare minimum to keep my family going. I crave sleep like crazy. Yeah, I’m showing signs of depression, but I also think that’s … normal? Expected right now?
Work deadlines aren’t getting dropped, but that’s mainly because this is our slowest time of the year. Do I try to skate through Christmas, when I have already planned some time off? Or should I be brutally honest with my boss and team that I’m struggling and tomorrow will be my last day of work until the new year? I feel like my overall state of mind is clouding my ability to handle this well.
Senior Attorney
If being honest and taking the rest of the year off is an option, then by all means do it!
Anonymous
Take the time!
Flats Only
Option number 2, if at all possible. And don’t be afraid to get the depressive symptoms treated. Just because they are grief related does not mean you have to suffer, and getting help in no way implies that you don’t feel the loss or want to honor your loved one’s memory. Your PCP should be able to prescribe something after a simple telehealth visit, and it might make a huge difference in how you feel and can cope.
NYNY
I’m so sorry for your loss. Give yourself the time you need. You’re never going to regret it, but you might regret pushing yourself to show up for work.
Anon
I was going over old, old threads on here and was wondering…What (outside the very obvious) can a 40+ be wearing now that makes her look like she’s “trying too hard” or not dressing her age? I have some leather sneakers with neon pink laces, bright colored winter coats, etc., and I’m now starting to question those and other things. It is very easy to forget I am 40, but I know others do see it. I’m not that bleach blonde/Botoxed, 99 lb woman who dresses like a college girl, but maybe I do dress a bit childish. How can I be more self-aware about my style choices without looking like a dowdy old lady?
Anon
Wear the things that you like and make you feel good and if you’re really worried about wearing bright colors, just make sure you’re not dressed in them head to toe.
anon
You can still wear the things you like. It’s helpful to be mindful about not wearing All the Shiny things all at once, but also don’t feel like you suddenly need to start dressing in head-to-toe neutrals if that isn’t your style or personality!
Anon
This, just apply the usual “take off one piece of jewelry” sentiment. Cute neon kicks are great. Cute neon kicks with an armful of clacking bracelets, giant glittery hoops, and a loud lipstick is too much.
Anon
Not really into jewelry or lipstick these days.
To the other poster…I remember my late grandma wore her colored power suits for around-the-house casualwear. She’s rolling in her grave due to my long hair and athleisure. Saying this is a big part of the reason why I never married.
Anon
Tailoring matters far more than it does when you are younger. Buy things that are structured and fit well.
Anon
I just turned 40 and I am dressing however I want. One of the joys of getting older is not giving an F. I dare somebody to say something to me.
Anonymous
+1. Not 40 just yet but this is also my mindset and it’s freeing.
BeenThatGuy
+2
I’m 44. I’m bleached blond/botoxed but not 99 lbs and I wear what I want. I wish I felt this confident 20 years ago!
Anonymous
At 40, I’d be more concerned that bright colors would make me look like an frumpy old lady than mutton dressed as lamb.
Senior Attorney
Yes. The bright colored “power suits” are definitely an older look.
Anon
+1
Anon
Wear what you like. There’s no rule that a 40 something has to dress like a 1950s librarian.
(No shade to the 1950s librarian, which is basically how I dress and have since my late teens. I’m 55 now and still at it.)
Senior Attorney
OMG. Stop. I am 62, bleached blonde and Juvedermed (can only wish I were 99 lbs but still have my figure) and I wear what I want including bright and shiny things. I think a lot of the difference between “childish” and “fun and appropriate” is quality, so you might want to be mindful of that.
Airplane.
Yessss preach!
Jules
Yep. I’m 61 and am currently wearing scarlet red ankle boots. Wear what you like!
Senior Attorney
Haha I’m wearing scarlet red (suede) ankle boots today, too! Woo hoo!!
Go for it
Truth. Idgaf what anyone thinks~liberation!!
Anonymous
I would go with one fun element at a time, setting off an otherwise sophisticated look, rather than a full on look.
Esha
I always think of that type of comment as addressing how revealing the clothing is. 20somethings can get away with clothing that shows off more of their body, and wearing those same clothes at older ages can come off as inappropriate or desperate. But no one should be wearing revealing clothing in a professional context, anyway, so maybe it’s not applicable to your question.
Anon
Can someone talk to me about facial acids?
There are AHAs, BHAs, and now PHAs apparently. There’s glycolic acid vs lactic acid vs salicylic acid and probably more.
I need occasional non-physical exfoliation but I’m a little overwhelmed about what to use.
Any recommendations or explanations appreciated!!
Elderlyunicorn
I found this “cheat sheet” from Caroline Hirons super helpful. Basically, as you note, there are three types of acids – AHA, BHA and PHAs. Glycolic and lactic are AHAs, salyicylic is a BHA. The type of acid you choose depends on what you’re trying to do and what your skin likes, or doesn’t.
https://www.carolinehirons.com/2017/03/cheat-sheet-types-acids.html
Anon
Thank you. This is really helpful. Unfortunately I feel like I need it all! Aging dry, sensitive skin with clogged pores.
Anon
You can use all of them! You have to work your way up, and not all at once, but Caroline Hirons also actually says that think of different acids as doing different workouts at the gym.
Anonymous
The expensive sweatpants I got as part of my “WFH sweatsuit” at the beginning of the pandemic now (already) have holes in the crotch. What a mood for the end of the year.
Bonnie Kate
Why does this happen with sweatpants?? I have two pairs from Target, so not expensive, but both have holes in the crotch. The newer pair got a hole in the crotch within a week of owning it. What the heck?
Anon
Venting re: narcissistic family
Today is the first day of my vacation. I have nowhere to be for at least a week. I’m in NE and was looking forward to the storm, being snowed in and enjoying time with my husband. There is no reason for anyone to come onto our property; we live rural and all our mail and deliveries go to a PO box.
I discovered this morning that my stepfather sent ALL his Christmas shopping to our address. I have asked him repeatedly in the past to stop doing this, but he’s a controlling asshole who likes to invent excuses to drop by unannounced and critique our housekeeping (or yard maintenance, now, since we’re not letting him inside).
So I’ve just spent the last four hours shoveling 15 inches of snow, so some poor delivery driver doesn’t injure themselves trying to get a package to my house. I’m not even half done.
SO tired of controlling family. I’m 46 years old and I still feel like a puppet.
Anonymous
Can you take the gifts and not give them to step father? Then go no contact to hopefully hammer in the point that this is not okay and you will not tolerate it?
Anonymous
That’s what I would do as well. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but I wonder if taking a more extreme approach like this would get through his narcissism.
anonshmanon
I was thinking the opposite approach. Leave them by the gate for dad to pick up contactless.
Or regifting?
Anon
I just want to say I know exactly how I feel and I am so sorry your jerk stepfather is doing this to you. Internet hugs.
Anon
The advice is too late, but don’t shovel the snow. UPS and FedEx won’t deliver the packages and then it’s his problem. “Sorry, David, I can’t shovel the walkway today. Please make arrangements with UPS to have this handled.”
If you have not done so, sign up for UPS My Choice. It tells you when packages are coming to your home; you can divert them to a UPS store. I do this because my manipulative, abusive family will send me ‘gift bombs’ (think: they spent months screaming at me that I am a horrible, awful, terrible human being who lies compulsively and is a terrible Christian; I stopped talking to them because, obvi; they sent my baby blanket and a childhood stuffed animal to, their words, “soften me up”).
Anonymous
Ask the post office to hold your deliveries and pick them up there? Re-mail them to stepdad? Write “not at this address” on the box and let happen what may?
Anon
You can decline the packages!
Anon
You don’t have to dig out today. If your driveway is unsafe, they just won’t deliver. A 15 inch snow wall would be enough for my mail carrier to pass right by.
Anonymous
Ask him for the tracking numbers so you can know when they arrive and then redirect the packages to his house.
Or put a bin at the end of the driveway and a sign for delivery drivers to leave the packages there. Don’t answer door or phone when he comes.
Go for it
Nope. Refuse them next time- agree with the other poster to have them diverted to stepdads house. Uggh.
Anonymous
Then stop doing it. If they can’t deliver, they won’t. Put up a sign “please return any shipments to sender. Do not walk up driveway. .” Return them to sender. You do not have to be doing this.
Airplane.
+1. You can stop this, refuse to be manipulated by a narcissistic man. You would drop a romantic partner or a friend for doing this to you, do not accept it from a stepfather.
anon
Don’t accept packages that are not ordered by you. If you can, as others mentioned, have them redirected to your stepfather the moment you get any notification about them. You are not required to accommodate to uninvited guests (sorry person X, now is not a good time to visit. Next time, check with us in advance.). Set your boundaries and then stick to them.
Random Adult Question of the Day
Who replaces skylights? Lucky us, we have four very leaky skylights in our family room. It’s a pitched roof. I don’t think that’s a roofer but there would be some roof work involved in a repair or outright replacement… just a general window person? Call a GC?
Anon
The first thing I do when I have these kinds of questions (which is seemingly all the time) is to ask for recommendations on Facebook. But also maybe call a roofer and ask them who they would work with for this kind of job?
Anon
+1. When we had skylight issues we posted on Nextdoor and found a jack of all trades sort who used to work for a roofer.
OP
I tried this route but got surprisingly few conclusive hits.
AnonATL
I think it’s going to be a window contractor, but if you call one, specify that it is a skylight. They need to be flashed and trimmed a certain way or they will leak.
Anonymous
Our roofer replaced ours, but we were having the roof re-done anyway.
Anon
Around here, a roofer deals with skylights.