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Updated: Nov 15, 2019 251 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Velvet Ruffle-Neck Top

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I really love this Prussian blue color, and the velvet fabric looks festive and fun! It would look great tucked into a pencil or A-line skirt for the office. I often find that necklines like this are hard to wear with blazers or cardigans, but if you need to wear something on top, I would go with a collarless blazer to avoid interfering with the ruffle-neck. The top is $59.95 and available in regular sizes XS–XXL, tall sizes S–XL, and petite sizes XS–L. It also comes in gold and black. Velvet Ruffle-Neck Top A plus-size option is available at Nordstrom Rack from CeCe by Cynthia Steffe for only $22.97.  This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Question on IF

    Has anyone here tried IF but with a longer eating window, say 10 hours? I usually have a green smoothie around 8:30am (baby spinach, quarter Apple, carrot, mint, ginger, crushed ice). I don’t know if that would count as it’s basically fibre. Don’t want to entirely skip eating in the morning.

    Planning to have lunch at 12/1pm, followed by 7pm dinner.

    Thoughts? Would love to hear people’s experiences. I’m one of the folk who cannot outrun a bad diet…

    • Cb

      I’ve been doing circadian rhythm fasting -mostly because I have a bad pm snacking habit and it works really well. I’m glad I tried this before one of the more extreme solutions.

    • C2

      It ‘counts’ if it’s over 50 calories. I’m easing back into doing IF, because my schedule got changed. For me, IF hasn’t been magical in dropping a huge amount of weight (I lost a bit, others I know have lost a lot), but I feel more focused, especially in the AM, I eat 3 square, nutrient dense meals, and I’m not tempted outside the window. I typically have coffee in the AM with just a splash of cream, so keeping it well under 50 calories, and drink a lot of water. I also can’t wait until noon to have something, so depending on my day and evening workout schedule, I do 10-6 or 11-7.

    • In-House in Houston

      Yes, I’ve been doing IF with a 16 hour window of no eating. I don’t eat anything until 11:30/noonish, and I never eat after 7:30/8:00 pm. I do have coffee with splenda and full cream every morning. I’ve lost 16 lbs so far – my big meal a day is a lunch and I pretty much eat anything I want, with something light or a protein shake in the evening after some kind of cardio. It’s working for me!

      • BiggestBallsintheRoom

        This is very similar to what I do. I also do coffee with cream (or usually nutpods) during my fasting window. I switch mine up from day to day depending on what I have going on but usually fast at least 16 hours and sometimes I will just do one large meal a day instead of two within my window. I’m down 70 lbs overall (over about 18 months) and still would like to lose another 15 or so. On the weekends I tend to have longer eating windows and once in a blue moon I won’t fast at all. I am not hungry in the morning at all so it has literally been the easiest thing I’ve ever done to lose weight.

        • In-House in Houston

          Same with me, BiggestBalls. I a little surprised at how easy it has been. I discovered that my eating in the morning was just b/c I wanted a sugary donut with my coffee. But now I really don’t miss is. I’m a little more lax on the weekend like you are, but during the week I’m pretty strict. One day this week I had a cheeseburger and fries for lunch (a kids portion at a nice place) that was so satisfying…I ate every bite. But then that evening I ran and had a protein shake for dinner. I feel like I’m not depriving myself. I’m also on hormone therapy replacement, so that could also be contributing to my weight loss. Congrats on losing 70 lbs. I want to lose another 10.

      • Anon

        Of course, you’re losing weight. You’re eating one meal a day! I think you should do what works for you, but wow that just seems so hard.

    • Anonymous

      One of the studies (I think maybe from Harvard Public Health?) found that women did better with an 8-10 hr eating window. I do a small yoghurt with black coffee in the morning. It’s probably closer to 100 calories but the probiotics in the morning are good for my digestion.

      Like all things eating related, don’t be too rigid or it becomes hard to maintain. If IF works best for you with eating a small amount in the morning and having a longer eating window, try that. If your window is 9am-7pm you still only have a 10 hour window which is consistent with IF.

        • anon

          Yeah, to get the true physiological effects of fasting, you really do have to meet very specific parameters in terms of length of fast and consumption during the fast window. The psychological effect of limiting when you eat is different and can help people lose weight, but fasting does have specific beneficial effects on the body that you forgo if you eat during the fast window or have too short a fast window.

        • anon

          RIght, I am not a snacker and have been eating this way my entire life….sometimes fasting a bit more and sometimes less depending upon what I’m doing that day. This isn’t fasting, just being normal.

        • Anonymous

          IDK – I didn’t name it. There are two types – one where you eat normally for 5 days and then fast for two days – I haven’t look into that so not sure what the limits are on the fasting days.

          For the daily restricted eating window type, mostly it’s a huge change from a lot of eating advice which was 3 meals, 2 snacks and basically eating every two hours all day long. Plus it’s not really about just not snacking after dinner. Dinner is not 12 hours after breakfast (which it can easily be for many people if you have breakfast at 6:30am and dinner at 8pm). Plus many people are up and eating breakfast at 6/7am so it’s also not eating breakfast first thing in the morning. My lifestyle requires a later eating window 11am-7pm) but the optimal window is actually something like 7am-3pm but that isn’t realistic for most people. Early eating windows show better results apparently.

          My family has a history of type two diabetes even without overweight/obese issues, IF is a good eating plan with that medical situation as it seems to be particularly beneficial for people at risk of diabetes.

        • Anon

          Doctors used to advise regular snacks (or “many small meals”) to people who had trouble with symptoms of lowering blood sugar. The advice was well-intentioned, but eating small amounts of food all day can cause problems (by keeping insulin up all day and worsening insulin resistance). So the advice has now changed to support what perhaps were always normal adult eating patterns, while focusing more on the composition of the meals so that they’re less likely to spike insulin and require follow-up snacks.

    • Anon

      My doctor said that just not snacking between meals would still make a big difference in terms of giving insulin a chance to lower. I haven’t lost weight this way, but I can maintain weight this way while eating seemingly as much as I want, so long as it’s not too much carbohydrate. It is almost weird to me what I can currently eat without gaining weight or calorie counting (things like bacon, a big wedge of brie, a generously dressed Caesar salad), so long as I watch carbs and never snack.

    • TrixieRuby

      I have had pretty good luck with the following: a smoothie like yours, but add 1/2 c of greek yogurt for protein, and a teaspoon of almond butter for a fat. Lunch at 2 pm–a frozen meal, or whatever I pack, about 300 calories. Dinner at 7 pm. No eating until morning, but if I am starving at bedtime, a banana. Ilike berries in the smoothie, more fiber and a brighter color.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve found IF with very few carbs did the trick. If I eat breakfast it’s 1 hard boiled egg for late breakfast. Salad with a protein for lunch 12:30 – 1pm and normal dinner but 1/2 to 3/4 portion. Then stop eating until the next day. Down 10 lbs.

      • Anonymous

        Dude, that’s not the IF causing you to lose weight. You’re eating next to nothing.

        • Anonymous

          Agree. I posted above that I do IF. You should be eating a day’s worth of healthy food just eating during a more limited time window. Eating one and a half meals is not IF.

        • Anonymous

          You dont know her portion size so your point is unfounded. Half of my “normal dinner” portion is most assuredly still within the range of healthy or “normal.”

    • Miss

      Yeah I just eat dinner most days. I’ve never been a breakfast person and I’m often too busy to eat lunch. I used to feel bad about it, but IF helped me just make it a habit and my body adjusted. Now I get hungry at 6 and don’t feel tired when I’ve missed lunch.

  2. Wig question

    I posted yesterday about the dear friend with cancer. Has anyone shopped for a wig in the DC area? Words of advice?

    • Anonymous

      I’m local and have two friends going through chemo now – both ended up going with scarves bought online, for what that’s worth. Didn’t like the wigs.

  3. Austin travel tips, where to stay (family)?

    Good morning!

    Any tips on visiting Austin, specifically where a family can stay in a mid-price hotel and walk to supermarkets?
    Also any suggestions for artsy / funky museums along the lines of Meow Wolf in Santa Fe or the Mutter in Philly?

    Thanks so much!

    • LSC

      Downtown options are The Guild (best choice for a family, because these are apartment-style), Aloft, Doubletree, Courtyard Marriott. The flagship Whole Foods is downtown, and a few locations of boutique grocer Royal Blue are also. Also plenty of options at the Domain in North Austin. Hotels there will be in walking distance to Whole Foods and various shops and restaurants. Enjoy a walk at Ladybird lake, have a picnic at Zilker Park or go see the Christmas lights there if you are coming in the next few weeks, eat BBQ and breakfast tacos, check out the capitol, public library, or children’s museum if you have kids. Enjoy!

      • Anon

        +1 for the Guild! We had a lovely experience there, and you get all the space of an apartment for the family

    • K

      The Contemporary, Mexic-Arte museums are on Congress if you’re staying downtown. The Blanton museum is also close by on the University of Texas campus. Farther west is Laguna Gloria, part of the Contemporary and has outdoor sculpture. So much to do here! I haven’t been to Meow Wolf but it’s on the list!

  4. Anon

    There was some discussion earlier this week about deviating from the old faithful Thanksgiving recipes. Who has a twist-on-the-traditional recipe that has successfully replaced a old standard in your family, or gets rave reviews at Friendsgiving? I’d love some fresh ideas, as I’ll be celebrating Thanksgiving/Friendsgiving 4x this year!

    This is mine, a Challah, Sausage and Dried Cherry stuffing that everyone specifically asks for year after year, and has replaced Grandma’s stuffing recipe that is just not to any of our taste.
    https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/challah-sausage-and-dried-cherry-stuffing-51138030

    • Anon

      Does the Smitten Kitchen green bean casserole count? You fry your own onions instead of premade and other updates. Always a hit!

      • Anon

        This is the only substitution that has ever been accepted by my family, mainly because it’s the same dish but better. Nothing to exotic. But they would still happily eat the frozen green bean/cream of mushroom/Durkee’s onion dish as well.

    • Flats Only

      I switched to a savory sweet potato au gratin instead of a sweet sweet potato dish, and it’s gone over well. No-one was eating much the sweet one and it’s a useless leftover. Plus if you want something sweet and orange I do a salmon filet with a sweet glaze for the pescatarian guest, and there’s always pumpkin pie.

    • anon

      That looks wonderful! Not a recipe deviation, but I just tested my family recipe for apple and sausage stuffing in the crock pot and it came out wonderful! Never doing the oven method again and now I have freed up my oven for all of the other things I need to cook. At my son’s request, I am also adding a baked macaroni and cheese to the menu. I am following this thread for ideas. Thank you!

      • C2

        Awesome – how did you modify for crockpot? I do love that the top gets crispy in the oven, but I take the challah stuffing to a friendsgiving where oven space is limited for re-warming things so I’d be willing to sacrifice the crisp for convenience. Also, What’s Gaby Cooking just dropped a recipe for baked mac and cheese that looks fantastic!

        • anon

          It is super easy….the trick is you have to dry out your bread cubes first…either leave them out overnight on a sheet pan, or dry out in a 250 degree oven. Make the rest of the recipe as usual….EXCEPT – mix 2 eggs into about a cup of broth and moisten the bread cubes just enough to dampen. Pour in crock pot and cook on high for 30 minutes, turn on low and cook for 3-4 hours. stir every hour and add a bit of broth if it seems too dry. Food stays moist in the crock pot so you may not need to add much more than 2 cups for a large crockpot. Gets crispy around the edges and stays nice and light – better than the oven!!!

        • anon

          I made this and agree the sauce is wonderful. I was testing the recipe so followed it exactly, including rinsing the pasta – I think this caused the sauce to stick to the pasta a little bit less and I didn’t like that. Also, my family did not like the bread crumbs on top. Would like your thoughts on the rinsing of the pasta….do you do that or skip that?

          • Mac and cheese anon

            I also make this. I rinse the pasta. I combine with aspects of Anna Thomas’s Mac and cheese recipe (liberal use of nutmeg and thyme, some gruyere). Everyone LOVES the breadcrumbs, esp. the kids. I use penne pasta, usually whole wheat. A huge hit, everyone makes me bring it each year.

    • anon

      I like Giada’s butternut squash lasagna recipe. It takes some work, but I find it tastes better reheated out of the freezer, so it can be done way ahead of time.

      • anon

        I love that recipe but haven’t tried it yet….when you say reheated out of the freezer, do you bake it before you freeze it, thaw it and reheat it? Or do you freeze it before you bake it, thaw and bake it on Thanksgiving day? The second option concerns and I think I won’t have enough oven space to bake it day of

        • anon

          I baked it, froze it, then reheated again in the oven from frozen, which takes a good amount of time in the oven. I did not reheat on Thanksgiving Day, but just on another seasonal get-together when there was no turkey competing for oven space.

    • Anonymous

      We are from New Mexico, so we add green chile to everything, including the macaroni and cheese, green beans, and cornbread.

    • MKB

      We do Bittman’s braised turkey instead of a traditional roasted bird – love it so much!

    • Worry About Yourself

      Two ideas: my mom adds Fireball whiskey to the cranberry sauce (I think the alcohol boils off, but the flavor remains, and we all drink anyway so it’s no big deal). Going off the Fireball, I made an excellent sangria with the stuff one year, with Moscato, apple cider, and lots apple and pear slices, that went over quite well. I also sometimes make a pecan pie with a layer of dark chocolate at the bottom, which is always a hit. Oh, what about a baked brie, with cranberries and walnuts, as an appetizer?

      • anon

        Oh wow on the Fireball sangria! And I have a brie sitting in the fridge..do you use fresh cranberries? cranberry sauce? bake it?

        • Worry About Yourself

          For the brie, I’d probably use dried cranberries, and if you don’t have a brie baker, wrap it in a puff pastry with the cranberries, walnuts, or whatever you want. Fig jam is a common go-to for brie as well. Serve with sliced baguette for best results, but crackers are fine too.

          • Anonymous

            I’ve done this with the canned cranberry sauce and puff pastry. Also with honey and walnuts. Either way, huge hit, although really has to be eaten right out of the oven. After about 20 minutes, it’s not so great.

    • NOLA

      I used to make a cranberry dried cherry sauce that was really lovely (Epicurious, I think), but it made too much and nobody ate that much of it. If you really liked that sort of thing and would eat it on ice cream or whatever after Thanksgiving, it really is delicious. I also mentioned the wild rice, leek, butternut squash and corn recipe that substituted for a side when my friend was eating gluten free.

      The big thing is that last year, I made mashed potatoes in the crockpot and it was life changing (and delicious). I cooked them with vegetable broth (one vegetarian in the group), then pulled out most of the broth and mashed them with low fat sour cream and low fat cream cheese. You can do that well before dinner and they hold beautifully and stay hot.

    • Small Law Partner

      I don’t think we make any “traditional” Thanksgiving food, unless baked yams/brussell sprouts/parsnips have become traditional.
      We make a ham, duck, or a rack of lamb instead of turkey.
      For desert, it is usually spiced pecan pie or a fruit cobbler, not pumpkin pie.

  5. Julia

    Can we talk Christmas party attire? My husband’s company does a huge blow-out Christmas party that is “cocktail attire”. I want to wear a beautiful dress and look great, obviously, but I can’t stand buying a dress that I’m basically only going to wear once a year if that.

    The obvious solution is Rent the Runway, right? Get to wear/rock a beautiful designer dress for a fraction of the price and don’t end up with more “stuff” cluttering my closet. Any other ideas I’m missing? Any RTR tips especially for holiday attire?

    • Anonymous

      That is a great idea. I also think Asos always has beautiful looking, reasonably priced dresses of this style. I’d buy now to try them on, though. The quality is really hit or miss.

    • Anonymous

      Thredup has a lot of cocktail dresses – might be cheaper than RTR if you can find something you like.

    • Anon

      You could wear the same dress multiple years in a row and I guarantee no one will notice – get something in a beautiful black, navy, or burgundy fabric and switch up accessories each year.

      Or consider asking friends or your neighborhood listserve or Buy Nothing Group. People are usually happy to lend and maybe you can share something you already own!

      • Small Law Partner

        I do this. I splurged and bought a Givency mid-calf length sheath dress and wear it for basically every cocktail event I have.

    • Anon

      I think a classic black cocktail dress is something that’s always handy to have in your wardrobe. Much like a good interview suit, it’s something I just like have to hand even if I don’t actually get tonnes of wear out of it. Just change up the accessories and it’s hopefully something you’ll be able to use for years.

      • Julia

        I do have a black cocktail dress that I love, but I wore it to this party last year. You’re right that 99% likely, no one would notice, but I don’t want to take even the small chance that someone (particularly the fashion-conscious high-powered women in the company) would notice and wonder, can’t DH afford to buy his wife a new dress/doesn’t she care enough to get something new?

        • anon

          Hear you on that for sure, but I would potentially try it on with some different shoes and accessories (like if you wore statement earrings last time, try a necklace). Or, if you want something new, I have started a hunt for a nice black jumpsuit. I have seen people style it up and down a variety of ways and am thinking it’s a good versatile add to my wardrobe.

        • Anonymous

          Obviously the answer is wear different statement bling — who cares about dresses?

          And I’d go to a mall store that sells cheap sparkly things for big earrings and maybe a crazy ring.

        • Anon

          If it makes you feel better, I am one of those women (fashion-conscious, high-powered) and the only way I would ever remember what someone wore a year later would be if it had an extremely dramatic cut or color. Like red sequins when everyone else is wearing black cocktail dresses. There is zero chance that anyone will remember that you wore the same classic black cocktail dress last year. But if you want to wear a new dress, then you should!

          • Anonymous

            If a dress is memorable, it probably because it was not a good choice to begin with: too tight-short-sheer-young-old-weddingish. If it is not-memorable it’s re-wearable.

          • Anon

            Same. A good rule of thumb is that people are always more focused on how they look than how you look. I would never remember what someone wore last year unless it was eye-popping.

        • Anon

          I think this depends on what part of the country you are in, and what the company culture is like. There are some places that would not look down on you for that, and would value the frugality (after all, how are you supposed to put the grandkids through private high school and college if you spend all of your money on fancy dresses that you wear once?).

        • Anon

          Do you really think these employees are paying that much attention to what an employee’s wife wears? Let’s be honest, unless you are social with these specific women several times a year over multiple years, they probably don’t even remember your name, let alone what you look like. I promise you they will not remember what you wear from year to year other than maybe “she likes to wear dark colors”.

        • Anon2

          No one will really care what some guy’s wife is wearing. If I were you, I would not spend the mental energy on dealing with RTR or buying anything new. Also, agree with the comment about memorable cuts/colors.

          • anon

            100% no one cares what you are wearing….do not waste any further time on this…you have a lovely dress and you can accessorize it differently

        • Worry About Yourself

          I would either notice if the dress looked really cute or really tacky, and honestly, if do notice for either reason, I’m not gonna judge, because there’s a bunch of reasons someone might repeat an outfit. Maybe they’re not interested in shopping, maybe they really like wearing that dress in particular, maybe they have a ton of dresses, can’t be arsed to remember which they wore to each party last year and the repeat was just a coincidence.

    • Hope

      A dress with interchangeable jewelry will convert it from formal to a more casual looking dress. It can make it more suitable for other occasions rather than once a year.

    • Irish Midori

      Sounds like a classic RTR event. Get something fabulous, and get a backup dress or size. And let us live vicariously–post what you get.

    • anon

      Consider poshmark or ebay. I found a dress I loved from rent the runway on ebay for $35 in great condition. slightly higher risk but a lot less expensive potentially

      • Edge

        1) I wouldn’t notice nor think poorly if you in the very off chance I did remember the dress
        2) the real real is also a great option. They have a (expensive and limited) return policy but it does reduce the risk and is not far off RTR in price. But you can rewear or resell after. And it’s generally easier to buy from vs eBay or poshmark

    • In House Lobbyist

      I tried RTR for an event and unless you can buy a dress off the rack – it likely will not work. None of my dresses worked for me and I did not read the fine print carefully. I got a $100 credit and not a refund as I assumed it would be if they didn’t work out for me. I agree with the posters about just a classic black dress.

      • Yang

        Maybe consider wearing your hair differently? Like going to dry bar for a blow out or updo.

    • NOLA

      If you were here, I would recommend the Dillard’s clearance center. I’ve heard it’s great for things like that, especially for more formal occasions.

    • Anonymous

      I like cocktail separates. I have worn the same black skirt with radically different tops. You may already have pieces you could wear with a great lace, satin or sequin skirt.

  6. Ruby

    Does anyone have Rothys in the Ruby color? I can’t tell on my screen if it’s more of a red color or pink. I really want a hot pink flat, so if it’s more red-toned I’ll have to pass.

  7. Anonymous

    To the OP from yesterday’s thread about “black dialect”–another possible lead might be through the American Dialect Society. I used to work adjacent to their journal and their publications get incredibly specific about research into different regional accents and their origins, etc.

    • Anonymous

      This sounds like a fantastic way to kill my productivity today. I had a BF once who sounded all sorts of Canadian but was from Richmond / SEVA. You could hear it in his Os.

      • Anon

        The Virginia Chesapeake accent is so interesting! (And rare to hear!) It’s different from the accent on the Maryland side of the bay and the Baltimore and Richmond accents, too, even though they’re not that far apart. (Yeah, I have an ear for accents and love them.)

        • Anon

          Yes I love that accent. There’s also a weird O thing, to my ears, around Harrisburg PA.

    • Julia

      I commented on that OP from yesterday but in case it’s not seen: I think African-American Vernacular English may be the term OP is looking for.

      • Anon

        I’m not quite sure that’s right – AAVE seems more like a dialect than a tone of voice. Like, from what I can tell, it has its own grammar, sentence structure, etc. that’s generally not considered “professional.” I think what that OP was looking for was a voice that “sounded” black (based on timbre, tone, or whatever else), even when using standard American grammar.

        • Anon

          Yes, AAVE is a dialect (such as Creole or pidgin) that has distinct differences from standard English (but is no less valid as a language). That’s not what yesterday’s OP was asking about though.

        • Anonymous

          Right. And the original poster specifically said that is not what she was looking for.

  8. Sal

    Can anyone recommend a non-down warm coat that’s $225 or under to wear on my daily commute. I have a wool coat for dressier occasions so this one can be more casual, as long I don’t look ridiculous arriving two and from the office. I’m allergic to down so it has to be down-alternative or another material. Thanks!

  9. Anon

    Speaking of holiday parties, I’m inviting a friend who keeps kosher to mine. (I don’t know if there are degrees of kosher, but she is a very observant Jew – keeps her hair covered, brings her own food to catered working lunches, takes all the holy days off work, etc.) I know she can eat plain vegetables, but are there tweaks I could make to my usual spread of appetizers and desserts so that she could eat? (Or are the rules such that she wouldn’t be able to eat anything I’ve prepared?) I googled some and was inundated with Leviticus and meat and dairy, so tips would be appreciated :)

    • Anon

      I would just ask what you can do to make her most comfortable. If she brings her own food to catered work meals it may be that she doesn’t eat food prepared in a non-kosher kitchen but ther may be some tweak she could suggest (like she’d eat food straight from a container in a bowl and with a utensil she brings herself).

    • Anon

      There are definitely degrees of Kosher and if she brings her own food to work lunches, she probably can’t eat any food you’ve prepared because your kitchen isn’t Kosher. A lot of people are simply “Kosher style” (no pork, shellfish or meat w/dairy, but they don’t require a Kosher kitchen and can eat vegetarian/pescetarian dishes in restaurants and other people’s homes) but it sounds like your friend is stricter than that. Why don’t you just ask her though? Maybe there’s something you can purchase and have on hand for her.

    • nuqotw

      It is really thoughtful of you to consider this issue. Rest assured that she’s coming for the company, not the food, so don’t sweat it too much. She will decide her own comfort levels. Here are a few other things that help me out:

      (1) Keep all the packaging from anything you buy ready-made. A lot of prepared foods are, in fact, certified kosher. Here is a list of symbols to look for on packaged foods: https://www.crcweb.org/agency_list.php (If you google for these things, you will find a LOT of these lists. The Chicago list linked here is widely accepted.)
      (2) Raw fruits/veggies, as you know, are your/her friends. More generally, cold, uncooked things are your/her friends.
      (3) Don’t mix things – keep the crackers and spreads separate so that she can eat the crackers (often kosher) and leave the spreads (often not).

      • Is it Friday yet?

        If she keeps full kosher, she won’t eat using your plates/utensils, so don’t actually unpackage anything, and don’t buy anything that needs to be heated up. Even if the packaged food is kosher, it no longer is the second it touches your plates or goes in your non-kosher oven/microwave.

        • Anon

          Right. Was going to say this. If your plates are used for both dairy and meat, your plates are not kosher and you don’t have a kosher kitchen. The most observant will not eat anything from your kitchen.

    • anne-on

      +1 – if she will only eat food from a kosher kitchen you likely can’t cook for her. I’d ask her though – and this time of year your supermarket may have a ‘holiday’ aisle with kosher food so it’s possible there are some shelf-stable snacks you can grab for her! The biggies though are to avoid pork/shellfish and to not mix meat and dairy. There are stricter rules as well and I found it easier to adhere to the dairy only options – for example, much to my surprise beef tenderloin is not a kosher cut of beef for example (too close to the spine I believe? not sure, but it isn’t available at our kosher butcher).

    • anon

      You could ask her, but it sounds like she is pretty strict. It’s nice of you to try to accommodate her. I would suggest packaged items that have a kosher symbol on it (a U in a circle would probably be a safe bet), leave them in the containers for her to see and to avoid contamination, and give her a paper plate & plastic utensils. Nothing that needs to be heated or cooked at your house. An example could be baby carrots & pita chips with hummus, a packaged dessert (look for an appropriate kosher symbol on the chips, hummus, and dessert). I think that would work for someone who is very observant.

      • Anonymous

        Purchased Kosher rugulah on a separate plate? I love them the next morning for breakfast :)

        • Anonymous

          On a paper plate so she knows it hasn’t been used for meat :) or meat and dairy before.

        • 10:12 anon

          Depends on where from I would say for quality. Costco rugelach aren’t bad, although I don’t know if they are universally kosher (may depend on the store). What you totally shouldn’t do is g**gle “kosher rugelach” and see that Marzipan rugelach are apparently available for shipping and buy all of them (totally not happening right now for me…).

          In the event OP or anyone else happens to have this question about kosher baked goods in the DC area, though, check out Sunflower Bakery — tasty and a great organization to support.

    • Is it Friday yet?

      Oh! Keeping kosher goes for drinks too, so if she drinks, you may want to pick up a bottle of kosher wine (not Manischewitz, from a wine store, there’s legit stuff) and (unopened) plastic wine glasses for her.

      • anon

        Kosher wine can have some weird rules, so it’s very sweet if you do this, but don’t be offended if she doesn’t partake (and there are lots of reasons why someone wouldn’t partake in any case, of course). Beer is another option — if you’re serving it anyway, it wouldn’t be that difficult to include some certified kosher beers (like many types of Sam Adams, Blue Moon, and other popular brands).

    • Anon

      OP here. Thank you all so much! Wonderful tips here. I really appreciate it!

  10. Anonymous

    Ask her! In all likelihood she’s not going to be eating any good not prepared in a kosher kitchen, so it will be a wasted effort on your part. But if there is something she can eat, may as well know what it is.

  11. Anon

    Does anyone here have an aquarium? What are your go-to online resources for advice? I used to have a 40 gallon about a decade ago, so I’m not a total newbie, but I’ve forgotten a ton and I’m sure things have changed.

    • Anonymous

      Fresh or salt water?

      My husband has I don’t know how many fresh water aquariums from 10 – 220 gallons and posts on monsterfishkeepers.com a fair amount. I think the forums aren’t very active anymore, but there is a ton of info there, and posted questions are answered fairly quickly and often in more detail than you’d ever want. Also, even if the name references monster fish, most people have smaller fish, although there are some people with exceptionally large and/or rare fish there.

      If you are looking for places to buy things, he gets a lot of his supplies from Big Al’s Pets (bigalspets.com).

  12. Julia

    Good tip! I will plan to reserve today for the first weekend in December. Thanks!

  13. Anonymous

    I am reading Catch and Kill by Ronan Farrow about the Harvey Weinstein takedown, and I want to discuss it with someone so badly but don’t know anyone that has read it! It’s a great read if anyone picks it up. I find it OUTRAGEOUS that Andy Lack and Noah Oppenheim are still in power at NBC- not just the stuff in their past that Farrow brings up in the book, but also the number of sexual harassment stories/Harvey Weinstein stories they clearly worked to squash, plus Access Hollywood, plus enabling Matt Lauer for so long. Why haven’t they been taken out?!?!?

    • Anonymous

      Oprah has a history of looking the other way, which I don’t get b/c no only is Oprah the most powerful woman on the planet (sorry Angela Merkel) but with her history I am so surprised. It’s not like she didn’t know. I drive a minivan in Flyover USA and I somehow (NY Post habit?) knew what Weinstein was.

    • Shopaholic

      This book was so good. I loved it so much. I wouldn’t be surprised if they turn it into a movie because it was so dramatic.

    • Senior Attorney

      Just finished it last night! Amazing book and I would definitely go see the movie!

    • Pep

      I bought the audiobook, and it was harrowing to actually hear the recordings of Weinstein going after his victims. I’m sure this will be a movie at some point – so gripping!

  14. forgotten coats

    It is freezing in the morning but not bad in the afternoon. Older kiddo has forgotten 2 coats at school this week. Debated sending kiddo to school today in long red wool coat of mine (hard to forget in cubby) or faux fur number (nice — but would look a bit like a Macklemore video in elementary school). At least there were options — kiddo is my height but about 30 pounds lighter :)

    • Anon

      What do parents do in this situation? I feel like that’s a lot of wasted money on lost coats over the years. Do you just buy cheap and/or second hand coats? Also, if kid is your height, shouldn’t they be old enough to keep up with a coat or pick it up from lost and found? What kind of adult sized kids use cubbies?

      I promise I’m not being snarky, I don’t have kids and none of my friends have kids older than 2 so I’m just curious.

        • Anon

          Yeah, again I’m not around kids much so I’m not sure what maturity level to expect from a 10 YO but it seems they should not be loosing coats multiple times a week or, if forgetful in general, they can get them from the lost and found themselves.

          • nona

            They are forgetting them because its warm enough later in the day to not need them. Happens a lot in the spring/fall – even to adults (leave the coat at work). I put my car keys in my coat pocket, so I can possibly drive home without my coat.

            Does kiddo have something of similar value/importance they can associate with their coat so the make sure to take it when they leave school?

      • Cat

        I don’t think they are lost, just that the kid has 2 coats, and now they are both hanging in kid’s cubby…

        • Anonymous

          OP: yes, this.

          It’s like for me, if it is raining, I will remember the umbrella. If it stops raining, it is hard to remember to get it from where I left it (restaurant, etc.). At school, it is worse b/c they kids who go to afterschool care aren’t getting coats on to go outside at the end of the day, they just go to the gym (and they aren’t allowed back in the classroom part of the school, which gets locked). The coats will be there. Not worried. Next time kiddo gets the fur though.

      • Anonymous

        Not the OP…
        – We do buy secondhand coats because to me, there’s no point in spending $$$ on a coat the kid might lose. But I only buy one coat and then a couple of lighter jackets, I am not buying a “coat wardrobe” because I feel that just enables the problem.
        – My son was 5’6″ at 10 (taller than me) and is just over 6 feet tall now at 13 (almost taller than my husband), and he is not the tallest kid in his class. He has a 13-year-old friend who is 6’2″ and a 14-year-old friend who is 6’4″.

    • Anonymous

      Ugh, the “forgotten coat” thing drives me crazy. My kid got better at remembering his after the week a couple of years ago where, after leaving his winter coat and two hoodies at school, he had to go to school in 20-degree weather in his shirtsleeves only because we didn’t have anything else for him to wear. He remembers the discomfort of that enough to remember his coat now.

      Related note: I helped our school do the lost-and-found cleanout at the end of the year last year (everything gets taken out of boxes and left on tables in the school lobby for people to pick up what their kids lost) and I was amazed at the dollar value of things that had been lost and not reclaimed, coats/hoodies being one example. It’s not a particularly ritzy school and the neighborhood is pretty average income, and it was surprising to see North Face, Arc’teryx and Mackage coats left in the lost-and-found, sometimes for months. Along with Yeti water bottles or mugs and what looked like pretty expensive insulated lunch bags.

      • Anon

        My kids’ elementary school would drape forgotten hoodies/jackets/coats/lunchboxes/backpacks atop a 20 foot long chain link fence a few times a year, and it covered the entire fence. We would just walk along the fence and pluck every 10th item or so as they were my son’s. It was like going shopping. I can count on one hand the items my daughter has left behind or lost in her lifetime, but for my son it’s an everyday occurrence.

      • Anonymous

        Having lost a North Face coat or two this past year in elementary school, I would guess that the parents either (a) didn’t think it would still be there in the lost and found, and/or (b) didn’t realize what lost and found it was in. I’ve searched the lost and found at school before only to find out that it was actually lost at the gym, etc. Coats are fungible. I only buy my elementary schooler now ones that are from Target or are second-hand.

        • Anon

          +1 I really doubt it’s because the parents don’t care that these expensive items went missing.

          • yeet

            Buy inexpensive or used coats…as a mom of 4 I’ve found that certain children are more inclined to lose coats than others. Sometimes coats are known to walk away if they are a popular brand. I once bought my teenage daughter a North Face she wanted for Christmas, even though it was too much and I knew better. It was stolen while she was visiting friends during Christmas break.

  15. Anon

    Anyone have a good resource where I can learn more about umbrella insurance? I’m trying to find out if it’s “worth it” now that my husband and I have more assets than we did when we first met. Mostly worried about getting sued related to a traffic accident in our very congested, trafficky state. TIA!

    • In House Lobbyist

      I think once you reach a certain level of assets – an umbrella is a good policy to have. My company provides it as an employee benefit. Call your existing homeowners company – you can likely add one on for a small amount of money. As a condition for mine, I have to keep the highest limits on my auto policy so you may want to check your auto limits and increase those too.

    • Senior Attorney

      Yes, if you get it through your homeowners/auto insurer it’s super cheap. And definitely worth it.

      • Anonymous

        +1. It was an additional $8/twice a year for ours with a million in coverage. It’s worth it for the peace of mind.

      • Miss

        Agree. Very cheap and so worth it. I was able to lower coverage on auto and home because my umbrella would cover to a higher level, so I think in the end it was $20 more a year for $1 million in coverage.

    • StaringIntoTheAbyss

      I have an umbrella policy through my homeowner’s/auto insurer. Was really happily surprised by how affordable it is (less than half the amount of my “discount” for bundling (the car and house with the same insurer) for a high dollar umbrella). For me those few dollars a month are completely worth the added peace of mind.

  16. anon

    I have Frye Harness Boots in a smooth but not shiny dark brown leather (what I think of as the standard Harness leather, but looking online, apparently there are shiny versions). They need a bit of TLC and I’m trying to figure out what the best conditioning product is. The Frye website has leather conditioner but it talks about making the boots shiny, so I can’t figure out if it’s the right product for this boot. I’ve looked up a variety of descriptions of these boots to try to figure out the technical name for this leather/leather finish so I can better seek the right care instructions but sites just call it “leather,” which isn’t helping. Anybody else have these boots and have tips on how to care for/condition them?

    • Anonymous

      My go-to for all leather care is Lexol Leather Conditioner, which was originally marketed for care of leather car seats, but it works amazingly well on anything leather. It’s available lots of places (I think I got my last bottle at Auto Zone) and it’s very good for making non-shiny/”finished” leather look good. If the leather is stained, you can use Leather Honey to clean, and then once the cleaned piece is dry, condition it with Lexol. I have some boots very much like what you describe – not shiny, but not suede – and just conditioned them with Lexol and they look great. It works on jackets, shoes, furniture, you name it.

    • Anonymous

      You could put neutral or matching shoe polish on them to cover scrapes (and an art store would have a matching marker if you need to go that route) and then buff, but not to a high shine. This is all stuff that a CVS would sell and many grocery stores. Saddle soap maybe also.

    • anon a mouse

      I have very old Frye harness boots (10+ years and going strong) and every fall I pull them out, clean them with a mild soap and water, and then once dry I use Lexol on them. They look rich and smooth after that.

  17. Lanai?

    May be too late to post, but has anyone been to Lanai and have any feedback? We are planning to go for five nights to start our honeymoon (the Four Seasons has a stay 4 nights get 1 night deal). We are looking to relax while there so we are OK if there is not that much to do, but wanted to see if anyone has must do activities. Thank you in advance!

    • Anonymous

      Check out the website Hawaii Revealed. I used their guide books about 15 years ago when planning s trip to the islands and they were really helpful.

    • NYCer

      The Four Seasons on Lanai is amazing, you will have a great time. You definitely do not NEED to plan any activities – the resort itself is beautiful and has lots of options on site. Helicopter tours in Hawaii are pretty spectacular though if you are interested in that. The golf course at the Four Seasons is also really beautiful if you and your husband golf.

  18. Anon

    Attire help — the judge I clerked for is hosting his annual Christmas party at home this year on a weekend night (some years it’s in chambers; some years he and his wife host at home). They are in a small southern city which is fairly traditional — think Birmingham, Charleston, Richmond etc. not a big city like ATL or Charlotte. What do I wear? There is no attire guidance, it’s literally “come as dressy or casual as you like” and the tone of the invite is always — we want everyone to be comfortable, have a great/relaxing time. In NYC I’d wear a cashmere sweater with nice jeans and boots. But in the south, IDK that doesn’t seem formal enough as I don’t think they see jeans as going out attire. But then all the pants I own are like work pants — like pinstripe etc. which also seem weird for weekend wear. I’m willing to buy something but IDK what. I’m not a dress wearer unfortunately as I think that’s what most women would do. WWYD?

    • Anon

      I’d probably wear something inspired by the J.Crew holiday catalog. Ankle pants and a pretty sweater. And I wouldn’t wear jeans unless your judge is known for being super laid back.

    • Anon

      I’m a southerner (New Orleans) who has attended similar things for judges I’ve worked for and I would do a festive colored dress (such as wine or forest green) with tights and booties. I know you’re not a dress wearer, but would you feel comfortable enough if you did a casual-type dress like a sweater dress or something equally causal like jersey? It doesn’t have to be formal. I think you’re right that most people will be in dresses and you might feel under-dressed in jeans. (Ann Taylor Factory has several dresses right now that would be perfect for this, including a green one someone posted a few weeks ago.)

      If a dress is a complete non-starter, what about a jumpsuit? I have a navy one from a couple years ago that has crepe wide leg pants and a satin top – the two different fabrics make the navy different, but complimentary shades and it is beautiful . (I wore it to my judge’s Christmas luncheon). I think that one came from Nordstrom, but I also just ordered a cute jumpsuit from Maggy London.

      • Anon

        OP here — dresses aren’t my preference but I’ll look. To be clear, I absolutely won’t wear jeans. Just because it’s ok in NYC doesn’t mean it’s ok in a judge’s home down south — so I was looking for alternatives to that.

        • Anon

          I love the idea of a nice well tailored pant and a sweater. It could be an excuse to indulge in a new pair that you’ve had your eye one! I feel like with pants + sweater, you wont be over dressed but you also will look tastefully put together and well thought out…you’ll look sharp if you will. I love a good power pant but even better is a power heel with a power pant! Again, no better time like the holidays to indulge in yourself and get a new pair of shoes. Sleek pants, pointed toe heel, and a nice sweater..sounds lovely. Maybe a festive earring with your hair back to show them off?

    • Anon

      Maybe a jumpsuit. They can be just as dressy as a dress, but you have the comfort of pants.

    • Anon

      I used to work with a woman who had a tomboyish style and it would have been weird to see her in a dress. She had a jacket she wore to holiday parties that I still remember. It was a tailored blazer made out of a burgundy brocade fabric. She wore it with her usual nice blouse and work pants and it was very sharp looking and not terribly out of character for her. Since I haven’t forgotten it all these years later, I think it was an effective holiday look.

    • Anonymous

      Black ankle pants and a jewel-colored velvet blazer with a blouse underneath?

    • kk

      One of my favorite pairs of pants are black watch plaid ankle pants, from J Crew a few years ago. I wear them with a white blouse and black blazer at work and all manner of turtlenecks and sweaters for holiday parties. Last christmas, an oversized boyfriend v neck black cashmere sweater, those pants, pointy-toed heels, and a sparkly pair of earrings got me through several parties- it was festive, a step above my usual work wear, and really comfortable. I think you can find a similar pair of pants at tuckernuck right now.

      Also, the blogger Erin Gates frequently has great work-team friendly holiday outfits on her blog.

    • Anon

      I’m in the South and think you could get away with something like slim work pants, festive top, and dressier heels/booties. Depending on the city you’re going to, it really may not be cold. Birmingham, for example, it in the 50s/60s around Christmas, and most people there think that’s freezing, so the heat everywhere will be on high… what I’m getting at is that a sweater may be too warm. Wear something like a satin top in cream/burgundy/emerald green/other festive color instead of a sweater.

  19. Random Gardening Q

    TMI question: Do you garden with your SO when you have a mild cold, so feeling a bit down but not actively sneezy or runny nosed? I thought it wouldn’t be hygienic, but curious if it’s fine if we can stay away from kissing…

    • Anonymous

      I mean, unless you have totally quarantined yourself, how is sex going to be any different than being in normal daily contact with/perimeter with each other?

      Don’t have $ex if you don’t feel like it because you don’t feel well, but I wouldn’t skip it just because of the possibility of cold transmission unless my SO didn’t want to.

    • Anonymous

      Definitely yes! We have small kids and it would cut gardening in half if we only got it on when we are both 100% healthy. Avoid kissing on the mouth if you are very sick though.

    • Anon

      Assuming I feel up to it, yes. But I also kiss my SO when one of us has a mild cold, so …

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t want to get him sick (and I wouldn’t want to garden with him when he’s sick) so, no, generally not. Colds usually come with runny noses and sneezing for me though, so I’m having a hard time imaging what it’s like to be sick with a cold but not have a runny nose. If you’re just talking about the period immediately after a cold when you’re feeling much better and no longer sneezing, but still coughing a bit, then I wouldn’t worry because you’re no longer contagious.

    • anon

      I thought once you were exhibiting symptoms of a cold you were no longer contagious. So even if you are sick, if you feel up to it, why not?

    • Anonymous

      Yes! I think it helps endorphins or something ;) Also, for lots of things you are contagious before you show symptoms, so if you have already kissed right before getting sick then SO has already been exposed.

    • Nope not feeling it

      I quote my SO “ yes you have a head cold… but you’re not sick down there”…I Shut that down immediately.

  20. Anon

    So I find myself feeling bad about myself which isn’t super common for me. 39 and unmarried with no relationships on the horizon. Normally I feel fine about this — I’m ok with my daily life, am not really so interested in marriage that I want to upset my daily life for just anyone etc. I went to a wedding last weekend and the bride and our friends were awesome — we had a great time. Her mother OTOH pointed out to me 3 times in the course of 3-4 hours that I need to find a partner, why don’t I get married etc. Normally that stuff goes in one ear and out the other and I can write it off as old people and their opinions.

    This time though IDK. I find myself kind of upset and teary when I think of it. It was just very much clarified for me that I’m less valuable because I’m not a wife of some guy – any guy. I know that’s how society views women over a certain age but the directness of it kind of hurts.

    Have you been subject to this and how have you dealt? Stuff like this makes me want to pack my bags and leave — whether it’s a 2 week vacation or 6 mos on the road — I just don’t want to be around people at all when I’m reminded how rude they can be.

    • Anonymous

      Welcome to my world. I’m exactly the same as you – 39, unmarried, no kids, no relationships on the horizon. The last guy I dated who I was really into ghosted me after about 4 dates. It kills me that no one judges a single, 39-year old man the same way they judge a single, 39-year old woman. Does my life really have no value unless I’m coupled up with someone? Sorry, I wish I had something more comforting to say but, for what it’s worth, you’re not alone.

    • anon

      When I was 37 (I’m 39 now), I went to my best friend’s wedding. For some reason, she had invited this girl we’d known in college (let’s call her Rich Mean Girl). Rich Mean Girl grew up SUPER wealthy (she was married at Mar a Lago to give you a sense) and had always been, well, a Mean Girl – she was close enough with my BFF to ask her to assemble wedding invitations but literally told her she wasn’t a bridesmaid because she thought her body “wouldn’t work” with the Vera Wang bridesmaids dresses she selected.

      So the wedding was awesome and I was enjoying some quality time with the chocolate fountain at the reception when Rich Mean Girl and her similarly rich husband walked over. Rich Mean Girl worked for two years after college, then got married and stopped working, and later had a few kids. Literally after saying hello, the first things she said to me were, “Wow, so BFF FINALLY got married.” As I was recovering from the rudeness of her suggestion that my amazing friend’s life had basically been super lame all these years, she said, “So, what’s up with you? No guy in your life?”

      OP, I instinctively looked at her husband, looked at her, and blurted out, “Oh GOD no. I’m sure it’s great for some people but WHEW. I enjoy my life WAY too much to get married.” Her face. Just, the complete shock that there would be a woman out there who actively didn’t want to get married and thought it was unappealing – it was amazing.

      The funny thing is that I actually think marriage is lovely and am now engaged, but the fact that for once I bit back instead of being crushed by one of those comments made me feel sooooo good.

    • anonymous

      Oh yes. Even if people aren’t being so rude as to tell you you need to find someone, the flippant comments hurt, too. You are not alone. A coworker and I walked past a panhandler recently. She (a woman who I really like, mid 50s, married) joked, “hey [name], still looking for a boyfriend?” Really? That’s not funny. On New Years, several years ago when I didn’t have a date (and was the only single person) at a good friend’s small house party, “[name], you can give [dog’s name] kisses at midnight!” The only thing that works for me is allowing myself to feel sad but then trying to do something that feeds my soul–reach out to little nieces and nephews, very close friends, do something creative.

      • Anon

        WTH? If these were my friends, I would NOT be hanging out with them anytime soon and/or I would’ve said something mean right back to them right there. To insinuate that you’re soooo desperate or should be so desperate that any homeless guy or dog is ok is beyond inappropriate.

      • Anon

        Sorry, but you coworker is a jerk. Not just for what she said to you, but for dehumanizing someone less fortunate.

        • anonymous

          Right, that too. W/R/T the other friend, she’s a great person. I adore her dog and he was hanging out with us, so I see why she said it. I don’t think that she meant it in a rude way, she just didn’t think about how it might come off. But that’s part of the problem…people aren’t thinking.

    • January

      Weddings are tough, especially for the long-term single. A wedding is literally a celebration of coupledom, after all. The bride’s mother was probably especially focused on marriage since it was her daughter’s wedding, and even though it probably doesn’t feel this way to you, her comments were probably coming from a place of wanting you to be happy (and not of thinking of you as a less valuable person). I think a solo getaway might do you some good and allow you to get a little distance from her comments and the memory of the wedding.

    • Anon

      Perspective of someone a bit younger than you and recently married:

      Those comments HURT. I had/have a very interesting and fulfilling life before I met my husband – I worked on some really incredible projects and legal cases (that readers here may have heard of), travel, do marathons, have great friends, amazing degrees… but it’s like people (mainly, random acquaintances and his older friends) acted like that was all just a cute pasttime until I met my husband and got pregnant.

      It’s awful – no one acted like his life was similarly meaningless until he met me, and the crazy thing is… he fell hard for me because of all of the amazing things I had done over the years. I flat-out asked him why his friends seem to think that my pre-marriage life was a joke and why he upended my life for our marriage, when he could have met someone with no life to upend. Word is now getting around that treating me like a walking uterus is not acceptable.

      Sorry to be a downer, but this won’t change even if you do get married. The problem isn’t your marital state; it’s sexism. And it honestly doesn’t feel very pro-marriage to me to treat women like everything they bring into a marriage is without value, except for a working set of ovaries.

      • Ellen

        Hopefully, your marrage is going well, and this is not a show stopper for you. It is true what you say about men who look us as breeders, but at least in my case, that is what I want, even tho I have also been a lawyer, and have become a very successful one, maybe the next manageing partner! But now, my focus is to find a man to partner with, and to couple $exueally to have children b/c my e’ggs are getting stale and I need a man with good semen who will be able to conceive a baby with me. As for the OTHER OP’s on this thread, I have also gotten the “old maid” treatment from friends and family, putting me at the kiddie table or the singles table where I am with 15 year olds and 85 year old widows, b/c I do NOT just want to drag along some schlub with me to be my date at the weddings I go to b/c people think we are a couple when we are NOT. I remember my Aunt Sophie winking and pinching me when I was about 21 when I brought a causal friend from college as my date to her daughter’s wedding, asking my friend Randy if we were “doing the dirty deed”? I had never heard that expression before, but figured it out pretty quickly when he said with a straight face “only 50 or 60 times, but only in her dorm room.” I did not know where to look and made him tell Aunt Sophie that he was only kidding and that we were NOT having $ex. FOOEY on all of that!

    • Anon

      “ It was just very much clarified for me that I’m less valuable because I’m not a wife of some guy – any guy.“ Maybe less valuable in her eyes, but why care about her opinion? Your value does not come from your relationship status.

    • Anon

      I’ve been the subject of this since I got divorced 2 years ago. Some of the first texts I got after announcing my separation were, in substance, Don’t Worry You’ll Get Remarried Soon. My mother constantly speculates on what’s wrong with me that I haven’t remarried yet. Any time I start dating someone, my friends start discussing what kind of husband he would make. I got “forgotten” on invitations by couples hanging out in a group enough times that I’ve quit social media. It’s really hurtful, and the difference in commentary and treatment from when I was married to now when I am not is stark. FWIW, the divorce was not “my fault” (no cheating, etc), and I’m in my mid 30s.

      It’s especially hurtful because I would love to be happily coupled up with someone I adored — I just haven’t met that person yet! And being single is much much much better than being unhappily married. I remind myself of this constantly when I’m feeling down.

      • Monday

        +1 on the realizations you get when going from married back to single in your 30s. OP, I am 38 and totally feel you. I do suggest looking up writings by Shani Silver. I’ve seen her labeled “negative” on here, but I argue she gives a voice to exactly what you’re talking about while still maintaining hope.

    • Anon

      Same situation. I’m Indian so this comes up at EVERY Indian wedding and TBH it hasn’t been the bride/our friends/peers — because they were born and raised in the US and they get it, some of these things are luck and timing etc. Their parents OTOH — gosh darn — they just don’t understand why everyone is married bc they all got married so easily in the old country when their parents arranged their marriages at age 22 or even younger. Honestly I’ve chalked it up to — people are mean. That’s all there is to it. I don’t care if it comes from a good place or wanting you to be happy or whatever (and how does the bride’s mom who probably isn’t YOUR friend know whether you are happy or not) — it’s just mean to put a woman on the spot or criticize her like that, not even once but 3 times!?

      Forget about her and do something for you — whatever you like. Whether that’s picking up your favorite pie tonight or going shopping this weekend and yeah I would plan a getaway if you want to do that.

    • Anonymous

      I didn’t realize just how much sexism there is until I married in my 30s and suddenly saw people (esp my parents age and older) treating me better. It’s like somehow there was legitimacy to me or something that got me in “the club.” (Some may also be that I married someone of more wealth.) Regardless, it is of course garbage.

      Wisdom of time here… I’m 46 now and have a mix of close friends who are single (some never married, some divorced) as well as married. Most seem happy (and I believe truly are) except the few who are currently in bad marriages. The loneliest place isn’t alone but with the wrong person. Whatever path you go on in life, I hope you don’t go there. And no one looks at that side of things when it’s all happy wedding talk.

    • Anon

      Re: how to deal.

      My superpower is spotting people’s issues. It’s not a great thing – in fact, it can be kind of detrimental when I react to things that are really obvious to me, but literally take other people years to understand about the person in question – but it’s enormously helpful in these circumstances.

      The people who do this ALL have really lame lives, so for them, getting a man to “put a ring on it” is literally their biggest accomplishment. Their wedding was the one day in which they felt special and important. Raising babies was the most interesting thing they ever did.

      Everyone who gets status-snarky about marriage had accomplished… a lot of big fat nothing in their adult lives, but still have a deep-seated need to “feel important.” So they are important and special because they are married, and they are important and special enough to be nasty gossips who tell you how to live your life.

      It can be hard to see – in the case of Rich Mean Girl above, her parents are rich and her husband is rich, but she’s never done anything to make money herself. Deep down, she knows this, which is why she puts all her eggs in the “marriage” basket.

        • Anon

          Let me guess: you are the type of person who takes their issues out on other people, treats them badly, and are downright terrified of someone seeing through the condescension and knowing *exactly* where to twist the knife. The moment that someone isn’t knocked on their heels by your snotty attitude, but turns it right back on you with laser-like precision, is the day you go from Queen Bee to a sad, sad joke.

          Just a guess… but I’m usually right about these things. :)

        • Anon

          Yeah, agreed. I don’t think this person is as unique or insightful as they think they are.

      • anonymous

        Gotta say, I think your analysis is off the mark. Sure there are some rude people who have achieved nothing except marriage, but that’s not true for all of them. I don’t associate with anyone who has achieved nothing. Or even very little. Their lives are not “lame” as I suspect you mean it. And yet, these comments still occur. It’s because society pushes the notion that marriage is important and is an accomplishment and does confer status– even if you have other things in your life that are important and are accomplishments and do confer status–not because everyone is deeply insecure and clinging.

      • Anon

        Dissenting from the above comments, I’m fully on board with your analysis.

    • anononon

      I have a very accomplished cousin. She was a partner in a law firm with a very active social and volunteer life before getting married in her late 30s. I still remember how awful her mother was about her single-status. ‘Joan isn’t married, yet.’ Ten years later and my cousin is still killing it but all her mother can talk about is her wonderful son-in-law.

  21. emeralds

    Another kitchen renovation question: our new place has a gas stove, which I’m excited about. I’ve never really cooked with a gas oven, though, and my mom has gotten it into her head that roasting veggies or chicken and making basic quick breads, etc., is going to be all but impossible unless we get a gas range/electric oven. Google has been inconclusive. Anyone able to weigh in?

    • anon

      I’m an avid (amateur) baker who has owned both gas and electric ovens. I don’t see a difference. Used gas for the last 8+ years and I assure you that broccoli comes out roasted crisp and delicious and likewise chicken is roasted to perfection. Cookies, brownies, bread, had no issues with my gas oven.

      As with any oven, a thermometer inside can help work out the difference between your oven’s setting and its actual temperature.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve never heard this! When I moved into a house with a gas oven after cooking with an electric oven for my whole life I didn’t notice a difference. I don’t do anything fancy, but roasting veggies and chicken or making quick breads are all in my repertoire. What is the reasoning behind gas ovens not working?

    • BabyAssociate

      I have never heard that and I don’t see how that could be a real concern. I have had a gas stove/oven for years and roast veggie, bake breads, pizza, etc. with no issues.

    • AnonInfinity

      I’ve had gas ovens for years and have done all those things hundreds of times. I have an electric oven now (for the last few months) and have not noticed a difference. With every oven you have to get used to temperature variations and whether it runs high or low, but I don’t see why roasting and cooking quick breads be any different with one heat source vs the other.

    • anon

      I’m confused by your question – are you asking whether gas ovens work for baking and roasting? If so, yes they do…

    • T

      That’s silly. You’ll be fine. If you were a super intense baker, maybe you’d notice the slight inconsistency in temperature, but for the average person doing the things you noted you’ll be just fine.

    • Anon

      This is crazy, though to be fair electric ovens are better at maintaining a consistent heat, and produce a drier air inside the oven which helps things crisp better. Gas tends to be a slightly more humid oven environment. My oven is gas, and I cook, roast veg and meat all the time, and bake every week. If something isn’t as crisped as you want, go a couple extra minutes. It’ll get there.

    • Anonymous

      I have cooked with both and the only thing I have noticed is that the gas oven has spots that are hotter, so I just make sure to rotate whatever I am cooking and that evens things out.

    • RNMP

      I’ve had all the combos of electric/electric, gas/electric and gas/gas over the last 10 years. The quality of the oven mattered more than the method of combustion. In general, I prefer gas because it preheats much faster.

    • GovtMule

      If you have lots of options and want to pay for it, you can get a duel fuel range (gas cook top/electric oven), but I don’t think it is necessary.
      A lot of bakers prefer electric ovens because 1) there is more variability in heat with a gas oven, and 2) a gas oven removes some of the moisture in the oven, so baked goods (esp bread) can be dry. For the first point, better gas ovens tend to not have as much volatility in temperature as they used to but it does exist. For the second point, you can add extra moisture to the recipe or place a small (oven-safe) dish of water in the oven with your baked goods. However, as an average baker I don’t think you will really notice the difference.
      As for roasting vegetables, I actually prefer a gas oven! The dryer heat leads to more browning and crisper vegetables. I find you have to watch the heat with roasting meat – you might find chicken skin gets too crispy before the dark meat is fully cooked.
      Make sure you get a separate oven temperature gauge, and make sure you calibrate the oven (or have an appliance technician do it!)

    • Anon

      I miss my gas oven. It’s a slightly gentler heat (since water vapor is a byproduct of combustion), though that’s negated if you use convection. Electric ovens are actually drier.
      The safety issues that plagued gas ovens back in the day aren’t an issue anymore.
      Heating can be a bit uneven, but much of the things people love/hate about their gas oven comes down to quirks and once you know your oven, you work with it.

    • Cat

      Gas stove + electric oven is the best of both worlds. We used to have a gas stove AND oven, and it was extremely difficult to keep the oven temperature steady and evenly distributed.

    • emeralds

      Thanks all! She’s a total perfectionist in the kitchen, so I think would in fact notice a difference between gas and electric, and she’s been seeking out affirmation from her equally-precise foodie friends. I’m significantly more chill and don’t bake anything more complicated than muffins and an occasional cake, but she found some friend who swore I’d never be able to roast a Thanksgiving turkey or bake potatoes (??) in a gas oven; then I went down some Reddit rabbit holes; and I could tell I was starting to spiral mentally since I don’t have any of my own experience to draw on.

      Obviously I know that gas ovens work–Reddit was just telling me all my roasted vegetables would be soggy forever.

    • Flats Only

      Does your mom live with you and do the cooking? People with gas ovens make all those things.

    • anon

      Two tips to help maintain a consistent temperature–(1) Preheat your oven a long time (like 20-30 minutes), to let the sides get hot, and (2) Buy a pizza stone, place it on the bottom rack, and keep it in your oven. Honestly, these are good tips for any oven.

      Also, buy an oven thermometer and make sure your oven is calibrated. If you have an oven light, you can also see if there are wide temperature swings.

    • Anon

      I don’t know why this comment got stuck so trying again. I know it won’t make it out for hours…

      Agreed. I’m really grateful to all of the dedicated civil servants who keep our country running. I’m going to see what I can do re: charitable donations this year to help – anyone have any ideas? I’m interested in organizations protecting transparency, rights of journalists and whistleblowers, promoting young civil servants…

      • Anonymous

        Start with paying $ to subscribe to a newspaper. Can’t hire journalists without $.

        • emeralds

          I categorize paying for the NYT as a charitable donation in my budget. (I also contribute to real charities, obviously.)

  23. Anon

    I haven’t been following the blog for a while, so if this has been addressed recently, I apologize…How does everyone feel about the quality of the J. Crew Factory sweater blazers? I just ordered the two solid color cotton styles that are similar to what J. Crew sells and I am not sure about how nice they will look throughout the day (they seem like they might stretch out and wrinkle too much) or how they will wash. Thanks.

    • Anon

      For extra clarity, Factory sells three sweater blazers – the “Vanessa sweater-jacket,” the “open-front sweater blazer,” and the “sweater-blazer.” I have the sweater-blazer in every color and wear it at least 3 times a week. LOVE it. Wish it came in more colors. Great weight and structure – feels like sweats, but you look put together.

      • Delta Dawn

        I have two of the sweater blazer and love them. Just ordered another in “academic green.” I tried on the J.Crew (non-Factory) one and found the sleeves to look too… schlumpy? The factory version has very fitted sleeves, which I prefer. The J.Crew version has wider sleeves, which I did not find flattering on myself but which some people might like better. I think the J.Crew one is merino wool, while the Factory one is a cotton blend, but I have had two of them for years and have had no quality issues with the material.

    • Cat

      I don’t have the sweater blazers but have been pleasantly surprised at the quality for the price point with other cotton-blend items like the tshirts and skinny jeans.

    • Anonymous

      I tried it and ended up selling it on Poshmark after a while. I thought it looked fine when I first put it on in the morning but after a few hours wear, the arms would be super stretched out and I felt like it looked sloppy. I’d have to wash it after every wear to get it back to shape again.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been really happy with the Factory sweater blazers and have several.

      • Anonymous

        PS – have worn one 3 out of 5 days this week. Machine wash and dry. The sleeves definitely shrank in length a little so if you have long arms or are worried, don’t dry them.

    • Anon

      I love my sweater blazer but be careful re the sizing. I’m 5’4″ 130lbs and based on the comments on the page I bought an XXS, when I would usually buy S or M in tops. So I sized down mightily and it fits great, however the arms are super tight on me and I have pretty skinny arms, not muscular or a swimmer or anything. I do want to get another and may size up but I think the fit will be baggy then.

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