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H13
Need a birthday gift idea for my 50+ sister who is also undergoing some scary health tests. Her primary emotion right now is anger. I want to get her something funny/irreverent or indulgent. She likes medspa treatments, healthy foods, and wry humor. I usually make a donation in her name to the local animal shelter.
Anon
CSA box subscription and a copy of Fran Lebowitz’s “Metropolitan Life.”
anon
Oh goodness no. CSAs are guilt in a box. I would suggest a local chef or service that provides fresh ready-to-plate meals.
Anon
Haha great description of CSAs. I have liked them from time to time but most of the time I can’t keep up with it.
Anonymous
love this descriptions!!!
Anonymous
some romance books? annika martin is hilarious (contemporary), so is tessa dare (historical)
(i got obsessed with them around the time my son got a scary diagnosis and my primary emotion was anger)
Anon
Dave Barry books always make me pee myself laughing. For more subtle humor, a collection of New Yorker cartoons is fun. They sell several books like this. Theories of Everything cartoons by Roz Chast is fun. Send some chocolates too! Make it dark chocolate since that is “healthy.”
LizzieBennet
Check out Jenny Lawson’s books.
LawDawg
+1
She leans into the scared, angry aspects of her health and makes it relatable and funny, even if you never experience anything similar.
Anonymous
Tread carefully on this. I’d go with something not touching health at all if it’s a scary time. Better to sidestep entirely than hit at the wrong time.
twentytwo
Calvin and Hobbes compilation?
Anon
i am also angry and I love Fran Lebowitz.
Anon
i am also angry and I love Fran Lebowitz.
Anonymous
Ever feel like you are just slower and less spontaneous with age and do you feel bad about it?
Like I’m sure most others in my 20s if I was invited on a long weekend, I could be packed and out the door in 15 minutes. I worked in biglaw at the time so everything was just fast – if you had the time off you weren’t going to waste it. Fast forward to my 40s, going away for a weekend means planning a week or more in advance. I mean doing multiple loads of laundry – even though I’ll still only take four or five sets of clothes, I guess everything else is washed for when I come back. Washed and changed my sheets. Emptying multiple trash cans. I’ve now become the type who is wiping down my luggage before packing. Washing my hands before packing snacks and meds.
FWIW I still live in an apartment though bigger than in NYC and it’s just me, so it’s not like this slowness is because I have to pack for three small kids. And after all this you’d think I’d live in an immaculate home but definitely not. It’s average cleanliness at best and far less than average compared to the perfectly kept home I grew up in. But it feels like I have to do all this stuff just to keep up and stay on top of things.
Is this just me? Was I just not doing any of this in my 20s – I literally do not remember?
Cat
it’s ok to be more particular as you age or to figure out that planning ahead makes your life easier!
I love coming home from a trip knowing I’m not immediately facing a backlog of cleaning chores on top of the laundry and tidying I literally brought home with me in my suitcase.
anon
You probably weren’t doing any of this in your 20s.
Anon
No, I’ve gotten more adventurous with age, although it’s not the same as “spontaneous.” I’m not that spontaneous – my river rafting trips, all-day bike rides, and travel to Europe all required planning. For me, relying on spontaneity is the fast track to spending the weekend at home pondering what to do with myself. Don’t worry about spontaneity – embrace the planning and the fun of the trip. The best trips require planning.
Anon
It sounds like you might have a germ problem, not a spontaneity problem?
Anonymous
Yeah why are you wiping down luggage? Do you need spontaneity or to talk to your doctor about your mental health?
Anon
And you don’t need to do 5 loads of laundry before you go away for a weekend.
Anonymous
Way to pile on. My sense is OP is still only taking five sets of clothes for the weekend, but the many loads of laundry are to have it done for when she returns. Meaning she isn’t getting home and realizing that she needs to spend the entire first day laundering and cleaning because she left the place a mess and has no clothes to wear for work on Monday.
Anonymous
Eh maybe, maybe not. I mean I’m not saying OP doesn’t have an anxiety problem, but lots of people do wipe down luggage especially if you live in an apartment and it’ll be stored with all your other stuff after being wheeled all over the airport. I’m not suggesting that anyone should be spending hours cleaning it, but wiping it down with a clorox wipe or lysol spray isn’t unheard of. It’s different for people in single family homes where the luggage nicely lives in its own closet or in the garage or wherever. I don’t think it’s super anxious to wipe down luggage once and wash hands before packing your snacks.
Anon
Of course wipe it down before bringing it past the front entry. People sneeze on it. Sneeze on their hands and then carry it. Stuff (including gross stuff) spills on it. You do not want that all in your house.
anon
lol wut
Anon
You’d be very surprise at how long “germs” live on surfaces, something you should read up on.
Anonymous
It cracks me up to hear stories like this. I guess I’ve always been 40? I was and still am in biglaw and while I suffered through the whole junior associate – surprise business trips that require you to leave the office to go home and pack then get on a train/plane in under 30 minutes – I HATED it. Same with successive all nighters and 300 billable hour months. I cried all the time. If it weren’t for student loans I would’ve left the profession. If anything I was more disciplined about my routines in my 20s and I’ve learned where I can afford some give as I approach 40 (and also, having a supportive partner makes this way easier than when I was single).
I always wonder if people just don’t remember how awful it was? Like how people say you forget how painful labor was? Or have I just always been an old?
Anon
I’m not someone who enjoys travelling for work AT ALL.
Anonymous
I LOVED it at that age. To run from the office to pack a suit and off to London. But I could do it then – I had the energy, physical health was better. And like OP I wasn’t worrying about anything else. I always kept a clean suit and shirts to go with suits on reserve for such trips, threw it in a suitcase with under clothes and I was gone. I mean I dropped the drying cleaning plastic right there on the floor to be dealt with when I returned, I didn’t think about hmm I’m taking the last three set of under garments here which means I’ll have none when I return. I didn’t even care if the trash was full or dishes needed to be done because there was no time. The only cleanliness thing I did was put my shoes in a plastic bag in some other compartment of the suitcase so they weren’t right up with my clothing and toothbrush.
Now traveling for work is a whole production too though not as much as personal travel probably because I am gone for fewer days so it really isn’t that big of a deal if the trash isn’t taken out, as I may not have taken it out for a day and a half anyway. Same with laundry etc.
Anonymous
No, I’ve gotten much more relaxed about doing things as I’ve gotten older. While I would not describe myself as a spontaneous person overall, I am more open to it now than I was when I was younger.
As an aside, what you describe sounds more like a cleanliness issue than it does a being less spontaneous issue.
Anonymous
Over the years, I’ve learned more through painful experience what happens when I don’t prepare certain things (like take out the trash or flush the toilet, have something to wear for the week after vacation, etc.), so I do more pre-travel prep now too.
Anon
This is me. I front-load the work and enjoy coming home to sanity and clean.
Anonymous
OP I think some of this is just life experience, no? You’ve learned either explicitly or subconsciously that you don’t want to come back and immediately realize that you have no clothes to wear next week, so you do the laundry before you go. Same with dishes, trash and all of those tasks. You no longer feel like you want to walk in the door and worry about them and don’t feel like you can just let those things sit and get gross, so you take care of them before leaving.
I’m at the same place at the same ages. In my 20s, worked all the time and could care less about any of it, life was just about fun. Now I know I alone will have to deal with it when I return, so may as well deal with as much cleaning and organizing as I can before I leave, so I don’t have to do it the minute I return. My 20s were a whole different way of living. I mean I recall coming back from a trip one time and I guess I wanted to shower. Got out and realized there was not one clean towel, and dried off with a t shirt. That wouldn’t happen now as I’m more organized that that and I think that’s part of being a grown up, perfect home or not, I’m running some kind of a household.
Anonymous
I think this is being an adult. We all used to be 25 and mock our parents for taking forever to get out the door because they were cleaning out the fridge or taking out the trash or doing the dishes or whatever before vacation. Now we do it. Because as we grew up we realized that it’s gross to come come home to dishes you left unwashed a week ago. We also realized it’s annoying to come home to a hamper full of laundry when you also have laundry to do from your trip. It all comes full circle – lol. The kids may mock us for it now as they wait impatiently for us to get ourselves together for a four day weekend, but they’ll do it too one day when they realize having a decent home, even if not a perfect one, matters to them.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anon
It’s maturity. On the bright side it also means there is not much chance that you will get busted by the cops for swimming in a random apartment pool, will not show up to that great party your friend heard about only to find that it’s not a blow out but is a small, intimate birthday party, and will not arrive in Mexico with only the shoes you are wearing. I too now do the plan well in advance, do the laundry, tidy up the house, and so on.
Anon
I’m the opposite but a lot of it is just maturity and getting out of the poverty cycle.
In my youth I was broke and came from a broke family. I also had a lot of hang-ups about fitting in and feeling like everyone knew what to do except me, whether that was travel or trying new things at a restaurant or going to a play.
Now that I just have more life experience behind me and managed to enter the middle class though education and hard work, I feel more confident about trying new things and being spontaneous. Someone on FB says they have an extra ticket to a show tonight? I’m down!
It also helps that my kids are old enough to be independent now. It really is pretty much impossible to be spontaneous with babies and toddlers/preschoolers.
Anonymous
I’m definitely like this more now (will be hitting 50 soon). I think it comes from experience. I used to never worry about having multiple pairs of underwear packed in carry-ons as well as luggage until being on a trip where luggage was lost, bringing a mini pharmacy with me until having a splitting headache and no easy access to Tylenol (can’t take aspirin anymore), etc., etc. My need for comfort has also changed (I don’t want my bare feet touching a grody bathtub so I always have flip flops, I know my makeup will last longer with a setting spray, my hair will look better with a frizz controller, etc.). Post-Covid has brought better germ awareness and means I always bring masks, wipe packets for remotes and light switches and other high touch areas in the hotel, hand sanitizer, etc. All of this means being a lot more thoughtful about not only making sure I don’t forget things but being smarter about what I’m bringing so there is room for these sorts of things (thinking through outfit options instead of just grabbing a few things). There also is an airline component, too. In the olden days before people were charged like they are for luggage, you weren’t competing so much for carry-on space. Airlines never used to care so much about weight of your suitcases either.
Anon
A friend came by my apartment to pick something up after I left for London for six weeks during law school. She said it looked like I had just run down to the corner store and not like I was out of the country. Think cabinet doors open, bed unmade, and lights on.
Now it takes me forever to get ready for a trip.
NaoNao
I think there’s a couple things going on (which aren’t bad)
You’ve forgotten the icky consequences from not doing the prep and upkeep that you might have encountered in your 20s (upset stomach from contaminated food, having to rush out and buy more undies, coming home to a dusty, stinky, disheveled apartment after a trip)
Your possessions are more expensive and you care more about them/invested in them more. It’s one thing to take a battered old hand me down on a plane without a wipe-down or whatever, but if you’re using a Tumi that you carefully researched and picked out and spent $$$ on, you want to keep it nice! (FWIW I’ve scrubbed off luggage to get rid of the dreaded TSA/baggage handler scuff marks too).
Priorities changed! In my 20s, it was all about fun and squeezing every drop out of the day. Now in my 40s it’s about life balance and creating peace and planning for the future. Meaning that emptying a garbage can as a habit means I can’t just up and bounce out of the house at any given moment but I’m building good habits that are respectful of the things I own.
Jackie Aina (an entrepreneur I follow on IG) talked once about how taking care of her space by cleaning it and arranging it and just generally keeping up is a form of gratitude for her possessions and her good fortune in having them, and that really resonated with me.
As a 20 something, I really didn’t have much that I valued or that was worth much (like many young people) so if I spilled wine on my Goodwill carpet not blotting it up right away was not the end of the world. My Anthropologie rug…totally different story!
anon
Going to NYC to watch the Harry Potter play this weekend with my husband and two kids (6 and 9). We’re staying at a hotel in Time Square and would love some recs on where to eat. Anything from quick bites to a nice meal. Also, would you recommend going to the HP museum or skip it? It will be the kids first time in nyc and we’re only there for a night. We arrive on Friday afternoon and we are trying to decide between checking out the HP museum or doing one of the boat tours/staten island ferry to see the statue of liberty. I would love any recs or tweaks to the itinerary.
Anon
If it’s their first time in NYC and you only have a night, I would try to do something really classically “NYC” like the Statue of Liberty or Empire State Building or Central Park. I first went to NYC around age 12 and I remember being blown away by seeing all the landmarks I had seen in the movies.
NYCer
+1. We live in NYC, but we took our kids to the Empire State Building in the spring, and they both loved it. A boat tour or ferry to see the Statute of Liberty would also be a good option. I would definitely try to make it to Central Park on Saturday before the show if you have time.
Anon
+2 my family (husband and tweens) really loved their walk around Central Park and their ferry ride around lower Manhattan. On another trip, I enjoyed taking my kids to the new World Trade Center tourist attraction/observation deck. I’ve spent years in NYC but they haven’t, so it was fun to see it through their eyes and do things I hadn’t done myself when I was too busy working.
Ellen
I agree. Go to TOP OF THE ROCK, or if you have more time, go to Liberty Island by Ferry, b/c the kids will love the ferry ride as well as the Statute of Liberty, and they are young enough to walk up the stairs!
editrix
You might want to check out the small restaurants along Ninth Ave. between about 43rd and 51st. My kids liked Five Napkin Burger, Empanada Mama and Pure Thai Cookhouse, and there are lots of others. (Times Square restaurants are not the best choices.) The winter village at Bryant Park is open and not far from your hotel. The tree in Rockefeller Center isn’t lighted yet but it’s impressive.
Anonymous
I agree with this advice. Times Square is generally hellish but it gets much more livable if you go west to 9th Ave. Schnippers on 8th Ave and 41st (or 40th?) is also good for a quick bite, more casual (counter service) than the other recs, but much more pleasant than Shake Shack for burgers. Their salads are also quite good. Green Symphony on 43rd also has good quick food, but healthy, and is a theater person haunt for smoothies and juices. I’m a fan of their New Yorker bowl. I also love Schmackary’s cookies off of 9th Ave for a treat, or The Little Pie Company on 43rd between 9th and 10th. Nizza on 9th Ave is reliable for Italian.
Anonymous
PS – Glass House Tavern is right near the HP theater and is a nice place for a pre-theater dinner.
Lil
On a first NYC trip, I’d go with a classic restaurant like Tony’s di Napoli just off Times Square. Huge family style platters, bustling atmosphere, singing. I think elementary kids would find it fascinating! make pre theater reservations.
Anon
Oh man, this is my NYC-based in-law’s favorite restaurant and I hate it. It’s barely a step up from the Olive Garden imo. There are SO many better Italian restaurants in NYC that are suitable for kids. (If you do go, make sure you order a ton – the meals don’t serve as many as the menu suggests.)
Josie P
I have an Eileen Fisher skirt that I wear a LOT each winter – it is black, knit, midi-long, mostly straight, v comfy. I got it at a thrift store. Probably one cent or less per wear at this point! Anyway, it has a hole in it (wahhhhh) and I think I need a reweaver rather than trying to replace it since it’s so great and I wear it so much (right?) Can anyone recommend a reweaver in/around BOS? TIA!
Panda Bear
I don’t know who is around the Boston area, but I have mailed many things to Alterknit in NYC and they do a great job. It can take a good four or five weeks to get the item back, though.
Anonymous
I think Eileen Fisher will reweave their own products! Look here under repairs – https://www.eileenfisher.com/customer-service/faq.html
Anon 2.0
I’d also search Ebay/Poshmark for a backup.
Anon
You could also try to stalk it on eBay. I’ve done that with favourite items from my past that I want to have again.
A None
How do you politely ask “am I still in the running” after the an interview went really well but you’ve not heard anything since. Sigh.
LizzieBennet
How long ago was the interview, and did they give you a timeline for next steps?
A None
Only 2 weeks but was given the impression they’d move quickly for next step. No timeline given.
LizzieBennet
After 2 weeks I think it’s fine to send a quick follow-up email to the hiring manager. If they don’t respond, I think you have your answer.
Ellen
Hugs. Even small firms like mine take FOREVER to decide on an associate. We had Mason here for a few years who never passed the bar, and the manageing partner swore he’d only take admitted attorneys who can hit the ground running. In this market, everyone thinks BIGLAW, even tho we partners have a higher quality of life and make more money after tax then they do. FOOEY!
Anon
For those of you who have emptied out a relative’s house, whether for downsizing or after they have died, how does it usually go? Even if things are left to children, spouse, etc., do you just keep the power on, try to get people to come over to pick things up, hire a moving company to ship things cross-country that people have said that they want, or just move it into storage to sell the house? In our family, everyone is several states away from everyone else, so the cost of shipping items may be greater than the value (but OK for some family pieces of high sentimental value). Goodwill may want some things like tables and chairs and other small furniture that would fit in a minivan, but what do you do with tupperware and cupboard contents? And how much FMLA do various people take off? We get bereavement leave, but elderly family members often aren’t going to do this all by themselves (so my generation may be doing a lot of going-up on weekends to help, but that just prolongs things).
LizzieBennet
I’m sorry you’re going through this – my mom is in the thick of it right now and it’s a mess.
Give family members a hard date when their items need to be out of the house. They can arrange for shipping. If it’s not out in time, too bad so sad.
If there is a local refugee resettlement group, they may want furniture that’s in decent shape.
For everything else – hire a junk company and have them clear it out.
Wildkitten
Refujinx!
Wildkitten
1. That is A LOT. Pace yourself and take care of yourself. I’m overwhelmed just reading about it.
2. There are a bazillion refugee families arriving to the US right now, and other countries. If you are in one of those, it might be worth checking out if they have a list of things they are looking for. Since they are coming with nothing, they often need everything, and you might be able to donate a big chunk of the non-sentimental household stuff to folks who desperately need it.
3. You’re going to throw out a TON of stuff. You might want to see if you can rent a dumpster.
anon
Bagster is also really great if you don’t need a full dumpster.
Anon
I’m doing it this weekend for a relative who moved to assisted living (her house still needs to be cleaned out). The best pieces went with her, other antique furniture is staying in the family, and absolutely everything else is being donated, junked, or recycled. We’re going to take pictures of some items for sentimentality, but not keep the items themselves. It’s hard for me (have to harden my sensitive heart to do this), but loading us all up with clutter we don’t want is a mistake. I live in 1,000 square feet and literally wouldn’t have room for it even if I wanted it.
JTM
I’m currently going through this after my mother’s death in August. So far we’ve managed to get most of the furniture in the house cleared out, my brother’s did that. Most likely we will give her clothes and shoes to Goodwill, and send any non-perishable food to the food pantry.
Anon
When my last parent died, my siblings and I were there for the services and then spent a little time taking sentimental things from the house. Those of us who live far away were ready to call junk haulers at that point (and there was a LOT of junk) but the sibling who lives closest wanted more time to make decisions. So she ended up taking a lot – the hoarding gene did not skip a generation – and then we paid for junk haulers she hired when she was done.
Since then, that sibling has slowly been trying to get rid of the stuff she took, including trying to persuade the other siblings to take more. I took a few things, sibling took a few, but overall we had to be firm and say we really, really don’t want it. She’s someone who thinks all of the things are equally sentimental, like old Tupperware, so it has been a struggle. She gets resentful when we don’t want things, so sometimes we make a show of just taking it and then getting rid of it. This only happens when we’re all at the same place at the same time, like a family wedding. She will drive in rather than fly so she can bring a carload of … stuff. It’s all very sad. But big picture, we did manage to get her to give up on the house at some point by just giving her time – it was a few months, in which time someone broke into the house & made more of a mess than really stealing anything (a tweaker) so I think that made her decide it really was time.
Hugs to you, it really is hard.
Anon
I take everything I am offered and then what I don’t specifically want gets donated or trashed. But if I don’t say yes the mess will fester.
Anon
You just described exactly what is going on.
Anon
We did this with my Mom’s house in January 2021 (so, we did everything socially distanced, which added complexity, and our portion had to be done in 10 days):
* We went through the house and set aside everything we knew we wanted (documents, jewelry, etc.). We put that in my nearby house, which was our base of operations. for the time being.
* We went through the house and identified everything we wanted to save “for later” (whether that was because we couldn’t yet decide what to do with it or because we knew we wanted to keep it but it didn’t fit in my car/house). We put all that stuff in bankers boxes, clearly marked with items+date+our name and phone number with sharpies, in the biggest room, except for some large pieces of furniture that we clearly marked with signs for Clutter to collect.
* We were also collecting specific items for another family member. We put those items in a different room for a different moving company to come wrap and truck to that other family member in a different state.
* We identified all documents that needed to be shredded (about 75 boxes) and put them in the driveway for a shredding company to come shred on site on day 8 or 9 (when we knew we had found everything that needed to be shredded).
* We called Clutter and arranged for them to come to the house on our last day to pack up all the stuff we were keeping and take it away. We stayed in the yard for several hours while they worked in the house.
* We hired someone to do an in-house estate sale (yes, people still visited those sales indoors pre-vaccine, whatever) to sell whatever she could. People bought furniture, dishes, linens, all kinds of stuff. Whatever she didn’t sell she either had the local version of Goodwill [insert your favorite charity here] come get or she had someone take to the dump.
* Supplies you will need (order from Amazon for delivery to the house in question): bankers boxes, bubble wrap, sharpie markers, blue painting tape, 8 x 11 paper for making signs or lists or whatever, different color stickies (to separate items by ultimate destination/taker), clear strapping tape, scissors.
You can do it if you are ruthlessly organized. Three of us did a 3,000 square foot family house that hadn’t been purged in 49 years in <10 days.
anon
I hired a company that specializes in this kind of thing to do all of it. I gave them a list of what I wanted and where to find it and the keys. They ended up throwing away a few sentimental items by mistake, but it was still worth hiring the company. They brought in a team and could get the work done fast. There’s no way it would have been worth spending weeks or months away from my kids and life to do this myself, while also grieving.
They handled donation, sale, and trash as appropriate. They were also able to do things like get photos to a person who scans photos, so my family photos are all digitized.
LA Law
There is no one answer to this question. It depends a lot on the specific circumstances, how many relatives, your relationships with people, etc. I have set hard and not particularly sympathetic deadlines for family members who were asking for things with no intrinsic value who were just being difficult but were not willing to help and have paid to ship a rocking chair across the country for another who was unable to travel or help (she was very, very pregnant). It also depends on where the clearing is happening. Big cities have more options than small towns.
For the person is the bigger town, we picked out what we wanted, gave my cousin a deadline to come get what he wanted or send the money to have it shipped (in the end he did neither), and hired a company that came and picked up everything else and they handled selling/donating/recycling/etc. because we did not want to deal with it and the estate had the money. A lot of the stuff was very nice and I am confident it found a new home.
For the person in the small town, we ended up with six people who spent a week going through the house, picking out what they wanted, making multiple runs to a charity store/used bookstore and the dump, drinking a lot of wine and talking about memories – but that side of my family is very close and there was no drama or disagreement. We did throw a lot of stuff away that we should probably have been able to find a home for in a bigger city but that nobody in small-town, middle of nowhere Tennessee was going to want.
Senior Attorney
When my father in law died, we paid the junk man to haul everything away after the family had come in person and taken what they wanted. (He swore the usable stuff would get donated but I’m not sure that happened and honestly I was past caring at that point.) When my parents downsized they had an estate sale company come and do an in-house sale, then had everything else hauled away (other than the few things they took with them to the smaller digs). When they went to assisted living and downsized again, most of it was junked, and when they died almost all of it was junked.
Honestly the path of least resistance is to give people a firm deadline to take what they want, and then accept that almost all of it is junk and conduct yourself accordingly. Many estate sale companies will arrange to dispose of the leftovers for an additional fee, so that’s a good way to handle everything in one step.
anon a mouse
Having done both – honestly it’s easier after a death. If that’s the case, talk to realtors in the area to see how they recommend handling things. We were fortunate to have a home in a LCOL but desirable area, and there was actually a market to sell it furnished and let the buyer deal with everything. Obviously that’s the best case scenario but putting it out there. Otherwise if you are prepping to sell, you need to keep utilities running (you can call them and have them put in vacant mode), and keep the property insured (again, you can get a skinnier policy for the house only, not the contents). You have to give people a deadline – reasonable but firm, like in 30 days we are listing the house for sale. You are welcome to come and get what you want, or arrange to have it shipped, but on this date the house is being liquidated. And then you need an estate company to come and empty it.
If your family members are still alive and willing partners, then yes, it just takes time. Elder services in the area may offer some support.
Anon
Going through this right now – my mom’s eldest sister passed away earlier this year and now the surviving siblings are selling off the family house and downsizing into a shared condo that can be used as a crash pad by the extended family. My mom and several of her siblings are retired so they have the flexibility to fly cross country for a week or three to help with selling and moving items, though one of my cousins and I are the ones putting furniture and stuff up on FB marketplace to reach a wider market. It’s… been rough on my mom, to say the least. She’s probably the most sentimental out of her surviving siblings, and she hates and resents that her surviving siblings want to sell pretty much everything at rock bottom prices. My mom ended up renting a small storage unit to store some larger furniture pieces she wanted to keep. I myself will be taking some furniture but have to figure out shipping cross-country delivery times and coordination. I flew out last weekend Saturday before the crack of dawn to the family house on the other side of the country, and returned Monday night, to help with the in-person selling and moving. Tupperware, utensils, and the like can be listed on the local freecycle group, if you’re not tied to getting money back and just don’t want it to end up in a landfill. We will be having an open house garage sale next week for whatever small furniture items are left, and then I believe it will be a tossup between the refugee non-profit or having an estate company deal with the rest.
We kept the utilities on at the family house this entire year, and I think we will continue to do so since the house needs some upgrades before it goes on the market next spring. Probably will cancel internet, but keep water and electric on.
There has been a lot of drama between my mom and her surviving siblings. Let’s just say I’m glad that I only have one sibling and I get along well with my sibling.
Wildkitten
Are we still using Clarisonics? How are we washing our faces? Mine finally died and I don’t know if I’m supposed to replace it in 2023.
Anon
My skin is too sensitive, though I did try it ages ago when it was such a trend.
I use a balm cleanser and a cloth, and I get really clean that way. Apply balm cleanser to DRY skin and rub into makeup, sunscreen etc, then emulsify with wet fingertips, then come in with the wet face cloth to remove it. I hold the wet cloth on my eyes for a minute (it feels so good!) and that dissolves mascara enough to come off with the balm cleanser. I don’t use a separate eye makeup remover.
Anon
That is way too harsh for me. I just use a gentle cleanser, scrubbing with my fingertips. I will wash with it twice if needed. I then use either Good Genes or the Sunday Riley retinol and then a moisturizer when that second step dries.
Anon
Nope, they don’t even make them anymore! Way too harsh for facial skin.
Anon
Liquid J&J Purpose with fingers AM/PM six days/week. With scrubby gloves one day/week.
Anonymous
I am very invested in my routine, which is a double cleanse starting with a balm and then a milky cleanser. No foams. But the key is that I use an old-fashioned clean washcloth every night. It gives me just enough physical exfoliation without overdoing it, and makes my skin feel clean but not tight or dry.
Anon
They quit making them because most people realized they were way too harsh for facial skin, and caused more problems than they solved. I have pretty bulletproof skin – not a lot of sensitivities, allergies, etc. and I still couldn’t take the Clarisonic, even the “gentle” version.
Washing your face is not complex; cleansers don’t stay on your face (which they’d need to do for certain ingredients to really make a difference with your skin) so you just need something gentle, that won’t strip your skin. Apply with the pads of your fingers and rinse with lukewarm water. Chemical exfoliation with acids (glycolic, salicylic, etc.) is much better for your face and will net you better results over the long run. If I feel the need to do some physical exfoliation, I use the Philosophy Microdelivery Peel Kit, which has been around a long time, and never let me down when I need to be “glowing” for an event or I’m getting photos taken.
Anonymous
Any advice to gain confidence quickly before an interview for an internal, stretch promotion? I work for a nonprofit in fundraising, and my supervisor, the department director, is retiring. The organization is hiring a search firm to fill this role. I have decided to apply, but I’m having major doubts that I’m the best person for the job. I need to pull myself together quickly before I talk to the search firm this week.
The #2 fundraising staff person is the interim department director, so technically my supervisor right now, and he’s the obvious choice to replace the director if the org decides to promote internally. He has told everyone he is applying, and I was very supportive of his candidacy as he is a fantastic manager and everyone likes him. I got a promotion recently when our supervisor announced she was leaving, and he’s been supportive of me taking on some new responsibilities to broaden my skillset. I’m slightly below him but more parallel, as I supervise a smaller, somewhat niche fundraising area. We have a brand new boss (Executive Director) as well.
Last Friday, my peer the Interim Director told me he thinks our new boss wants me to apply for the department director job too. He said he thought the new boss is interested in expanding fundraising in the area that I work in and seems to really listen to what I have to say. I was genuinely shocked and thought he might be wildly wrong. I’m a little older than him and have almost 20 years of fundraising experience at this point, but most of it in a slightly less valued, niche area (Institutional Giving; he is in Individual Giving). I knew he was sincere though, so gathered my courage and told the Executive Director I was interested in applying yesterday. He said, “great!” and that he really valued working with me and wanted to continue to elevate my role regardless of what happened with the search.
It was incredibly generous of my coworker to push me to do this, and I can’t shake thinking he’s the better person for this job. He likes being a manager! He has a ton of experience with the larger half of our fundraising operation! OTOH, I’ve worked here for 8.5 years and am a little bored. I am very good at my current job, but I would really like a new challenge. Historically, I have not been great at figuring out what jobs I would like in advance, and I am not great at self-awareness or self-confidence. (I went to art school and fell into fundraising as a day job that turned into a career). I haven’t seen that many external opportunities that are appealing as I am paid well and again, have somewhat niche skills that make me a less obvious choice for a top fundraiser at a peer organization. I really like the new Executive Director, work well with him, and am excited to see where he takes the organization. How can I give myself an effective pep talk?
Anon
I recommended that a colleague, with whom I was not particularly close, apply for a stretch role like this a couple years ago at our organization. She did. She got the job. She later told me that she never would have even considered that she was appropriate/eligible to apply had I not called her. You can do it.
Anon
Please don’t be the woman who talks herself out of the role that she’s capable of.
You have more experience and more experience at the nonprofit. So what if his experience is slightly broader? There is value to promoting someone who has deep ties to the org, knows how it functions, and can effectively lead.
Anon
Here’s a reframe – it wasn’t generosity or altruism, it was because your coworker genuinely thinks you’re good and are the type of person they’d like to see leading the org. Go for it!
Also in fundraising
I’m super late replying so I hope you may check back. I work in the same field so understand the dynamics you’re describing well. I work in individual giving but I thought you should know that at a conference recently, I asked members of a panel who are senior in development work about skills to move from frontline to manager and then leadership. The one thing every senior leader agreed on was that exposure to and fluency with institutional giving is something helpful for gift officers aspiring to leadership to develop. All that to say you have a unique and valuable perspective! You must be great at your job if the interim director–who also wants the job!–is encouraging you to throw your hat in the ring. Plus its a wonderful opportunity for exposure and facetime with org leadership who can continue to grow your role and career.
Anon
Coworker is hosting a get together for all the women in our department soon. She said not to bring food & drinks since she’s covering those but I’ve never been to her house (or seen her outside of work) and feel weird showing up empty-handed. Are flowers a good thing to bring in this situation? Or something like fancy chocolates that she can save for later?
Anonymous
flowers or a seasonal plant maybe?
Anon
Flowers already in a vase so she doesn’t have to drop everything to get them in water.
Anon
I have cats and most definitely do not want flowers that will at best make a mess when they get knocked over and at worst kill my pets. If you’re one of those people who’s incapable of showing up empty handed, then just bring chocolates or something else easy to stash away. I probably won’t eat them, but at least they’re inoffensive and don’t have to be dealt with when busy hosting.
Anonymous
I just hosted a similar event for about 15 colleagues. Only one person brought something and she brought flowers. It was not at all necessary, but it was just so nice that she did that. I also would have loved fancy chocolates as a tiny treat for later. Again, it’s definitely not necessary to bring something but it is a lovely thing to do and I really appreciated it.
Senior Attorney
I second the fancy chocolates idea.
Anonymous
Bottle of wine.
Anokha
I would love flowers > chocolate.
Anon
My favorite low key hostess gift is funny cocktail napkins. Everyone can use them and they’re a little different. And I think you bring something, I’m southern and can’t imagine showing up empty handed.
Anon
I need help finding a drugstore facial moisturizer (for day time use, not night) that works with sensitive skin, doesn’t smell like a sad nursing home, and doesn’t feel greasy or heavy. Mid-40s with decent skin, do not wear makeup, don’t need a moisturizer in the summer, but now that the weather has turned I feel dry after I wash my face. Everything I have tried so far feels industrial-grade, smells awful, or feels like it just adds a layer on top of my skin rather than an actual moisturizer. Any suggestions?
Anonymous
I use and like Cerave PM in the morning and night– just layer sunscreen in the morning.
Anon
Second this – it’s amazing. I use morning and night too (adding sunscreen on top during day). But I have pretty dry skin.
anon
Neutrogena Hydro Boost Water Gel, or move up to the Water Cream if you need something stronger
Anon
the one in a tub and with SPF. I have your skin, and my skin loves this.
Anonymous
First Aid Beauty Firming Collagen Cream with Peptides. I’m also in my 40s, also don’t always need a moisturizer, but this stuff is great. It feels like it really actually absorbs into my skin. It’s not a drugstore rec but it’s really good.
Anon
Cerave PM lotion. It’s my holy grail.
Anon
This is the way
Anonymous
I like it too.
Anon
I have very sensitive skin and the only moisturizer I’ve been able to find that doesn’t irritate my face is vanicream.
Anon
Vanicream is the best! My derm recommended it and it has been great. It was developed by frustrated dermatologists who wanted to be able to recommend drugstore products to their most sensitive-skinned patients.
Anne-on
Vanicream. It’s super cheap, doesn’t irritate my skin, and somehow also sinks in very quickly. I’m kind of retroactively annoyed at how long it took me to accept that the simple drugstore option was actually the best one for my picky skin!
anon
laroche posay toleriane – it’s only a little more than drugstore
Runcible Spoon
You could experiment with killing two birds with one stone by slathering on Neutrogena Ultra Sheer sunscreen at whatever SPF you prefer.
Anon
OP here! I actually have this in SPF 50 and I like it well enough for summer use. However, once the weather turns dry it definitely sits on top of my skin in a thick, heavy layer and leaves a noticeable white residue. And since I can only seem to remove it with an oil-based cleanser, it completely zaps any residual moisture out of my skin. For this reason, I avoid using it in the winter.
Anon
Thanks for all the suggestions! It looks like Vanicream might play better with oily skin and Cerave with dry skin, so I am trying the Vanicream first. If that doesn’t do it, I will run through the other recommendations here.
Anon
Trader Joe’s Nourish
Anonymous
I am traveling this winter – spending a week in Paris and then two weeks in Morocco. I am trying to figure out clothing for this trip. The Morocco section will be a lot of travel and very few laundry facilities. Any suggestions for great clothes or clothing lines that are made of fabric that is easy to wash at the hotel and hang to dry? I am willing to throw some money at this, especially if there are items that work for both places. If I were just doing Paris, I’d wear good jeans and cute tops and a cozy puffer jacket, but I don’t have luggage space for jeans for three weeks without laundry!
Makeup
Aday is built for this, with both synthetic and natural fiber options. Athleta too. also check second hand – surprisingly found some good stuff on thred up
Linen might be good for Morocco if it’s warmer. I have a Quince linen pj set that is great for long haul flights but can also be worn out during the day
for the sink washing, I find it helpful to travel with laundry strips and a travel laundry line – not all hotels are equipped
NYCer
Morocco can actually be actually fairly chilly in the winter. I went over New Years several years ago, and it was colder than I expected and definitely not linen clothes weather. Jeans and a puffer would have been more appropriate, especially at night, and even more so if OP plans to spend any time in the desert while there.
Anon
My in-laws did this too and I didn’t even get an article in People magazine!!!
https://people.com/brides-in-laws-invite-10-extra-guests-wedding-without-asking-8391745