Wednesday’s TPS Report: ‘Petal’ Abstract Knit Dress

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Anne Klein 'Petal' Abstract Knit DressHooray for color! This knit dress is a totally classic shape, but it looks like a comfortable yet fun addition to a work wardrobe. It’s $139 at Nordstrom (sizes S-XL). Anne Klein ‘Petal’ Abstract Knit Dress

Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected]

P.S. Happy Administrative Assistant’s Day! Check out last year’s poll re: how much/what to give to your assistant.


  1. Love this! Would probably wear a navy or grey cardigan or blazer with it!

    • I love this too. There is a blue version at Z a p p o s that is also available in petite and plus sizes.

    • LOVE this dress. It is fantastic!!!

    • Yeah! It’s so pretty! Love the colors and the print.

    • Gorgeous. Love the length especially.

    • Agreed–super cute for summer office. I have a great royal blue cardigan from Tarzhay that might look cute with this.

    • I would VOTE for the GRAY.

      The manageing partner told me I do NOT have enough GRAVYTAS! What is he talkeing about? I am very much aware of my ROLE as an attorney at law, and have alot of cleints who love me. Also, If I was not GRAVYTAS oreinted, why is he ALWAYS stareing at me?

      I think women like us HAVE to stick togther. FOOEY on men who objetivize us! FOOEY!

      • LOL @ GRAVYTAS. I’m stealing this.

      • Seattleite :

        Ellen, he’s not staring at you. He’s staring at your mashed potatoes and wondering how they would taste with your GRAVYtas.

  2. Summer is coming :

    What’s the consensus on wearing pantyhose/stockings/those sheer things that cover your legs with peep toe shoes? Not fully sandal style open toe, but peep toe. Is it a wear one or the other situation like with sandals?

    • Former MidLevel :

      Yes – don’t wear hose with peep toes.

    • I think it looks strange to wear stockings with peep toes.

    • One or the other. Absolutely. I know we can all disagree on a lot of things, but I really don’t think it’s ever a good move and I will argue to the bitter end with anyone who thinks otherwise ;)

      • same here. ick. I loathe nylons/sandals. Only acceptable version is the done right/very fashion-y/Prada-ad style knee socks w/ open toed look (but then I think most here would say never at the office).

    • It’s probably a no unless it’s an intentional look with hose/stockings that are clearly not your skin color. With right peeptoe (especially with smaller openings), I think it can be done pretty tastefully, especially with patterned stockings (like a sheer chevron, tiny fishnets, etc).

      • Former MidLevel :

        Agreed that this could be a limited exception. But not a look I would wear in a conservative office or to court.

      • a passion for fashion :

        i agree that its totally acceptable with tights/patterned tights/stockings/fishnets. I dont think I would wear them with regular old stockings/hose.

    • Anonsensical :

      On a related note, how do y’all feel about fishnets with peeptoes? Or peeptoes or sandals with those tights that end in a little thong so your toes are nekked but your legs are covered?

      • I have a friend who wears the toeless nylons with peeptoes. I think it’s marginally okay IF the hose are barely perceptible on your legs, don’t show AT ALL on your toes, and I think it works better if your skirt is a bit on the longer side (at least to the knee). I also think it’s really only for more “formal” situations – like an evening theater outing, really nice restaurant, etc. Otherwise I’d just forgo stockings.

        This made me think – if the situation is too formal to not wear stockings, isn’t it also too formal for peeptoes? I am puzzling about this, because so many women’s shoes that are more formal are peeptoe or even sandal-style.

        • What type of “formal” do you mean? Federal court formal or night-at-the-opera formal? For the former, I’d say “yes.” For the latter, “no” – just wear your sandals or peep-toes with bare legs.

      • Fishnets can be okay if it looks really intentional, as per Godzilla’s caveat, but I don’t think it’s a look I would ever do at work (and I am not categorically opposed to small tightly woven nude-for-you colored ‘nets at the office). I also agree that with thick tights the look can work when it looks really intentional, though again I would probably classify it as too trendy for the office, and I don’t think that what’s the OP was asking about or at least it’s not how I read her question.
        The little thong tights seem fine in theory but in my experience it never lines up right and you always see the line of demarcation, which puts it in the “no” column for me.
        I obviously have very strong feelings about all this…

      • MaggieLizer :

        I wear toeless hose with peeptoes. The peeptoes have to be pretty modest, otherwise the seam where the hose ends will show.

        • What toeless hose do you wear?

        • Yes, please, where do you get them? I don’t think I’ve ever seen toeless hose (although I’m going to look now!) I have serious scarring on my calves from old burns, with scarring on the thighs from the skin graphs, and prefer to wear hose most of the time. Toeless hose would be awesome!!

    • yes. sorry, but thats such an old lady move (and I am a pantyhose person)

      • ahaha I thought I was the first to reply. But everyone had a strong reaction, and its a no :)

    • phillygirlruns :

      just don’t do it. go bare legged or wear shoes that cover your toes.

    • just say no :

      to hose with peep-toes. Unless you’re a hipster wearing red tights with black peeptoes ironically or something.

    • Have to agree with the consensus, and this is basically why I don’t wear peep toes to the office, even if its appropriate to that office.

    • I wear nude-for-me toeless hose. Bare legs are just not a good look for me.

    • I do NOT like peep toe shoes, b/c men like to look at my toes (they are very cute, they say), but they are thinking of toe cleaveage, which then leads to think and LOOK at my cleaveage, and that is NOT for them to look at. It is only for my boyfriend to look at, not men off the street.

      I like this DRESS alot b/c it does NOT show any cleaveage, and that is good, b/c men like to look at my cleaveage and think of my boobies, and I do NOT like that.

    • I hate seeing poor toes scrunched together in hose and sticking out of peep toe shoes.

    • I think it looks really weird and old lady to wear hose with peeptoes. I know you’re supposed to be able to wear tights with peeptoe booties, but everytime I tried it, I thought it looked weird and finally gave away my peeptoe booties to a student (who wore them with Pippi Longstockings socks and a skirt and looked adorable).

    • Unless you’re wearing them with color-contrasting tights, which is pretty on trend right now, then no, no hosiery with peep toes.

      • Casper Clone :

        I thought that was the purpose of sheer toe hose – so that there was no seam over toes when they could be seen. Otherwise, why would you ever wear them?

        • Yes, that is the point of sheer-toe hose. But that doesn’t mean it’s a GOOD point.

          • Haha – such a good point, Ummm. Manufacturers make lots of things no one in their right mind should wear. I was just at at Walgreens and walked past a whole bin of these stretchy, elasticised, sort of quilty shirts that reminded me of big scrunchies. I wondered who wore those. Probably the same people who wear hose with sandals, I guess.

          • Exactly. Sandal foot hose are a fiction that was invented for the sole purpose of selling you cr*p you don’t need.

  3. Gosharoo, I love that. Hello, my name is b23, and I am addicted to color. I’d wear it with hot pink shoes and a bright yellow jacket if I could get away with it!!!

    Anyway, threadjack: Anybody have any recs for running shorts that don’t ride up? I hate always having to pull down my shorts!!! I’ve thought about those bike-type shorts, but don’t those get hot?

    • I have the Anti-Running Short from Title 9, and they don’t ride up at all. Link to follow.


    • AnonInfinity :

      I often wear tight compression shorts, and they don’t ride up. I don’t think they’re hot at all. And they don’t feel heavy with sweat on a really hot day.

    • Maine Associate :

      I have the same problem. I have had good luck with the FILA SPORT Endurance Performance Bermuda Shorts from Kohls. Link to follow.

      • Maine Associate :

        FILA SPORT Endurance Performance Bermuda Shorts from Kohls:

    • phillygirlruns :

      i run in cropped tights for this reason, even during the summer when it’s a bajillion degrees.

      • viclawstudent :

        This discussion makes me glad that I live somewhere where I can wear running pants, even in the height of summer (it doesn’t get overly hot here very often). I am not a fan of the shorts.

    • Have you tried a running skirt? I just bought one from Brooks and really, really like it. It has compression shorts underneath. I’m not sure if it would solve your problem, though.

      Also, gosharoo is such a cute expression! Might have to start using that. :)

      • I have been running in cropped tights for several years and love them but am now contemplating running skirts. However, I think the thing I don’t love about running shorts — showing a vast expanse of pale not-toned-enough thighs — probably holds true for running skirts too.

        Thoughts on how flattering a running skirt would be on a larger runner? (I’m not heavily into looking super-put-together when I’m working out, but I prefer not to invest in something that is actively unflattering.)

        • Hmm. One reason I like my skirt is that it offers a little more coverage than my running shorts do. I think it’s a little longer. If you go to a store, you can probably try one on first before you buy it.

      • I love running skirts–but the shorts underneath ride up on a lot of brands. I’ve had the most succes with Skirt Sport (I buy mine on zappos). Don’t like my Puma skirt or Nike skirts nearly as much. But I have a lot of inner thigh flab, which I think increases the ride up effect.

    • Does anyone else think that running shorts (at least the tight kind) make their legs look like fat little sausages? Because that’s what I think mine look like. I think I need to just get over it and run in what’s comfortable. Those Title 9 shorts look promising, though . . .

    • I like the Nike Tempo shorts:
      Because they’re loose, they don’t ride up.

      • These are all that I wear. I have about 15 pairs in various colors. I sometimes even wear them over running tights in the winter for an extra later of warmth.

        • Are these the same ones that everybody has or does Nike have several lines that look the same? Because if those are the ones that I have, those are the ones that ride up on me! Y’all must just have thinner thighs than I do. :)

          I’ve got some good suggestions here. Thanks!

          • These are definitely the ones everyone has. None of Nike’s other shorts lines look like ’em. Sorry they don’t work for you, I really thought they would! They’re my magic shorts that make everything better..

          • Someone please tell me I’m not the only one who has riding up issues with these shorts!!

          • They totally ride up on me.

            I have yet to find shorts that don’t. Sometimes even the bike-short type ones do.
            I wear cropped legging type items instead. even in the summer. They aren’t that much more coverage, and I don’t even care, because plucking my shorts out of where they gather is much more distracting during a run than my knees being a little warmer.

            Regular shorts ride up on me too. I hate shorts. I wear skirts in the summer. I own one pair of shorts. I’m a size 6, too, so I have no idea why, it isn’t a ‘big thighs’ issue. Just the way I’m shaped, I guess. You are not alone!

          • That is so good to hear! I’m a size 6 too, and while I don’t love my thighs, they’re not that big. And I have even sized up to a large and still have the problem. I have never understood it.

          • They do the same to me. And I have to size up so that band around the bottom doesn’t strangle my thighs, which means there’s too much material everywhere else–result: it bunches up between my thighs, and my J. Lo booty somehow manages to look saggy and pancake flat. Just not flattering at all.

            I like the Lululemon Turbo Run short–it’s a little bit longer so sometimes I feel like a grandmother wearing them on my college-adjacent trail, but I love that the length covers up the biggest part of my thighs right at the top. They’re also long enough to stay put, but not so long that you don’t get the “ah breeze on my legs” feeling of shorts.

          • Gah, please forgive my inability to decide whether shorts are singular or plural.

      • Was going to recommend Tempos. Love ’em. Running Warehouse dot com has a wider selection of colors.

    • I just bought a great pair of two-layer running shorts at — bike shorts underneath that hit at mid-thigh with a running short over the top. They’re not hot and just the right amount of coverage.

    • Target’s C9 by Champion 4″ compression shorts are the bomb. Way better than UA or any other brand I’ve tried.

      • springtime :

        Are we talking about the waist riding up or the leg part? I have a problem where the waist always rides up- any good shorts for that problem?

        • I thought people were talking about the legs riding up. Having said that, i’ve never had the waist either ride up or roll down in my C9 by Champion ones.

    • Lululemon. The best.

      Totally taking “Gosharoo”

      • eastbaybanker :

        I wish Lululemon shorts looked good on me! They’re all so cute but they have such a low rise. Could they make just one slightly higher rise short for those of us without washboard abs? Please?

    • Late reply here, but I went to Athleta the other day for some bermuda running shorts. I came away with the Bettona Bermuda, which I am loving so far. Cooler than capris, but no riding up issues so far. I also thought the Presto Bermuda shorts were cute.

  4. Not my style exactly, but very cute. Although it looks less “petal” and more green leopard print to my eye. Agree that it would look gorgeous with navy.

    • Always a NYer :

      I thought the same thing with it looking like a green leopard print, which makes me like the dress even more =)

      • Oh dear, leopard print. Now all I can think about is leopard print … the floodgate has opened again …

      • Yessss, I definitely thought that as well! Covet covet covet.

  5. does sending my assistant an e-gift card at 9:05 this morning totally scream lazy/procrastinator/thought-less?
    I expected to be out of the office today so I figured I would handle admin day tomorrow, but lo and behold, here I am at the office.

    • Is there not a CVS or equivalent drug store within a close walk or drive to your office where you could go get a real card and maybe some candy or something? I mean, the short answer is, yes…and e-card screams thoughtlessness. Unless its one of those joke e-cards to a friend for an imaginary achievement, but I don’t think Admin Assistant’s day really fits that bill.

      • there is, but with my former assistant that back fired big time. i bought her a macy’s gift card from the duane reade downstairs and the cashier didn’t register it/load it up properly. so the gift card had ZERO value on it and no one knew until she tried to use it. it was absolutely mortifying, duane reade ended up fixing the problem, but it was so absolutely inappropriate.

        this is so not my usual style, but i’m recovering from some serious jet lag from a drawn out trip and my mind is so cloudy and fuzzy. ugh.

        • Betsy bee :

          If you want to chance a gift card again, maybe you could do an e-gift certficate to Sephora, Zappos, or a local spa online?

      • Oh…an e GIFT card, reading comprehension fail. Sorry, I thought you were just sending an e-card (hence my concern). I think an e-card is much better, especially if its one to Amazon where she can buy anything under the sun that she could possibly want.


        • no worries!! it was for a local coffee shop. she seems to love it, but like i said this is so not my style. i’m that girl that looks for reasons to write handwritten notes on pretty stationery. sigh.

          • Sometimes you have to let go of what you’d like to be able to do and do what you can do. Sometimes I can do exactly what I think I should and sometimes I fail utterly. I try to take it in stride.

          • I guess that makes the two of us. I’m a big fan of G Lalo stationery. :-)

    • PharmaGirl :

      Totally fine. At least you’re not sending it tomorrow!

    • MaggieLizer :

      I’d probably call a local florist and have them deliver today, but I like the idea of an e-gift card. I don’t think sending it today screams thoughtless.

    • Print out the e-gift confirmation and put it in a card. E-mail her the link later.

  6. The US ambassador is visiting the village where I’m a volunteer tomorrow. I’m a little nervous about decorum, both on my part and my community’s. What are you supposed to call ambassadors…Ambassador Lastname?

    • yes, ambassador last name is appropriate. i work with a few retired US ambassadors and my experience is that usually, these guys/ladies are serious people persons, so they are good with small talk and very gracious, so i’m sure who ever is visiting will put everyone involved at ease.

    • My dad was an ambassador. Don’t worry too much. Most ambassadors are very good socially. Address him as Mr. Ambassador or Ambassador lastname. (First name would be inappropriate). He probably would be interested in discussing your volunteer efforts so that would be a nice topic to bring up.

    • Also, someone might introduce the ambassador to you; you call him whatever he is introduced to you as. And ditto to qwerty and anonymous that says they are very good socially.

    • I had two successive US ambassadors visit my village when I was a PCV- both were great! Obviously differs by country (and village), but my village was wonderful. And I agree with qwerty- both ambassadors were beyond charming, and very gracious with my colleagues and friends. The only embarrassing part was when they spoke French- their French was so bad, it had everyone in my village giggling. But a few totally botched phrases in local language and all was forgiven. Enjoy!

    • Ditto on ambassadors being great with people – there’s a reason they’re called diplomats. My father in law is a retired US ambassador and he’s great – two families meeting each other for the first time never went so smoothly.

      Funny story about ambassador titles: the full introduction is often “His/Her Excellency, Firstname Lastname, U.S. Ambassador to ______”. For one of his trips back to the states, my FIL’s assistant booked his travel plans under “His Excellency Firstname Lastname”, and somehow the tickets were printed for “HEX Lastname”. He didn’t have any trouble leaving his posting, but he had to do a lot of explaining to get past security leaving DC on his way back. Now my husband’s family affectionately calls him Hex. Diplomat that he is, he takes it like a champ.

  7. Maine Associate :

    TJ – If you were moving into an office that was 11.5′ x 13′ that has one exposed brick wall and a window that covers 1/3 of that brick wall (direct sun in the morning), what color would you paint the walls? The carpet is a worn medium blue and the desk is cherry. The walls are currently a pinky-gray color, with the trim being a slightly darker version of the walls. The only thing that will be hanging on the walls are my diplomas, awards and calendars.

    • Cream. Not white, but a rich cream. Same color on the trim, but gloss finish (wall should be matte or eggshell).

      • I agree – the floor and furniture are already dark. I think a lighter paint color would make the room seem brighter.

    • Merabella :

      Slate? I think paint them whatever you want that won’t be distracting.

      • That would be pretty. And I’m jealous that you get to paint your walls.

      • one idea is to look at the color of the mortar and paint the walls accordingly – most likely greyish or creamish. if you paint the walls exactly that shade it will draw out the color of the mortar and won’t clash, and then do the trim a few shades darker.

        • This is a great idea. Because of the blue carpeting, you want to try to get the walls to look more coordinated (Here’s a quote from “The Song of the Lark” by Willa Cather, about a boardinghouse where the heroine lives: “The wall-paper was brownish yellow, with blue flowers. When it was put on, the carpet, certainly, had not been consulted.” )

          Also, I really like the idea of a rug that with a pattern that has a little blue and a little whatever-the-brick-color-is. Or you could do something along the same lines with a window treatment.

    • Anonymous :

      Exposed brick + blue carpeting = wow. If that’s red brick, that’s pretty bad. I’d go neutral/cream for the walls (and paint the brick cream if you can, I’m not a fan of exposed brick unless you really are in an old factory).

      Get a rug for over the carpet if you can.

    • Maine Associate :

      Thanks for all the great ideas. I didn’t realize what a trainwreck the color scheme currently is until Anonymous pointed out the blue carpet and red brick. Argh. Ignorance really is bliss.

  8. anon today :

    TJ – Do you ever get frustrated with people you’ve been friends with for years that don’t put in the same effort to friendships that you do? I’ve been out of college a few years now and really starting to see who my true friends are, which leaves only a handful. They’re also long-distance friendships so it’s mostly calls and texts rather than seeing each other in person, which leads to the “out of sight, out of mind” dilemma.

    The thing that’s really bothering me these days is “friends” who haven’t spoken to me in months expect me to drop everything now that they have time to talk. I too have a busy schecule but have always made time for them when they needed me. It really bugs me that I’m always the one accomodating them, never them working around me. A part of me is saying to cut my losses now but the other part doesn’t want to lose these people I’ve known 10+ years.

    Perhaps I’m being passive agressive (which I know I am being), but I’m tired of this. I haven’t responded to them yet, it’s been a few days, and don’t really know how to approach this. I’m not one to whine or complain but my feelings are hurt. Is there a way for me to say this as a fact we need to deal with or will I just come off as a b*tch? Thank you for any comments to this as I’m at an impasse with my own thoughts.

    • Merabella :

      In this situation my mother always told me “If you take your oars out of the water and the boat stops moving, you are the only one rowing the boat.” If your friends aren’t putting in any effort to be supportive of you, it may be time to cut your losses. On the other hand, if they have never been phone talkers/texters it might just not be their personality. If that is something that doesn’t jive with you then you aren’t required to be friends with them just because you have known them a long time. Sometimes people just no longer fit with you as friends.

    • Sometimes people grow apart.

    • Sometimes you have to let go out of friendships. I stopped forcing friendships from school 10+ years ago when I realized that with my true friends, we can pick up a phone after several weeks or see each other once a year, and it feels like no time has passed.

    • I think you have to consider each friend and whether its worth making adjustments to maintain the friendship. I’m not a phone talker, so I keep in touch with faraway friends via email and Facebook mostly. I’ve also accepted that there are certain friends that I don’t generally keep in touch with but can visit when I’m in town and have a good time catching up. I also have friendships where I know I will have to do most of the maintenance – arranging plans, keeping in touch, etc. – but it’s worth it to me to keep up the relationship with that person. The upside to that is that you get to be in control of everything. You can call when it’s convenient for you, suggest restaurants you like, and so forth.

      • “I’ve also accepted that there are certain friends that I don’t generally keep in touch with but can visit when I’m in town and have a good time catching up. ”

        I have found this realization to be so, so important.

    • This is a Hax question and if you are seriously frustrated, it would be worth your while looking through her archives. She is great.
      (in case you don’t know what you are talking about – Carolyn Hax is a Washington Post advice columnist)

    • I think it is difficult to raise these types of issues and get a satisfactory response and that it is typically only worthwhile if it is a friendship that you can’t imagine losing. In my experience, if a person isn’t treating you the way you feel a friend should, barring extreme extenuating circumstances, they typically are not going to significantly change their behavior, even if you raise it with them. I generally don’t want to feel as though I have guilted or browbeaten someone into behaving a certain way (and it’s hard not to feel that way in a situation like this).

      In my experience, some people, even formerly close friends, won’t behave towards you in the way you need a close friend to behave, especially as each of your life circumstances change. I don’t think this means that you need to have a huge falling out, but I have definitely had to accept that some friends are just not going to be “close” friends in the way that I need and made a mental note to not rely on them in the way that I would a close friend.

    • Part of this is that friendships do change. Some friends I can go months without talking to, but then pick up the phone or see each other and it’s like no time passed at all. Others require nurturing and tending more regularly.

      When you say that they’re not working around you – what is driving that? Did you have a rough patch where you needed friends, and no one accommodated you? Or is it more that they only want to talk on their terms?

      One last thought – only a handful of close friends, who will stick by you through thick and thin, may be small(er) in number than you are used to, but that is the makings of a good support system. Quality, not quantity, as we get older.

      • I understand that friendships change, and I accept that. There are friends that I can go months without talking to and then pick up the phone and talk for hours like no time’s passed at all. What bugs me most of all is that the friends who drop off the face of the earth are the ones who would call me almost everyday when they needed someone to talk to and I was always there for them. It feels like I’m “that friend” everyone can count on but I don’t have “that friend” because it’s me. Just typing this makes me cringe because I really hate any type of complaining but if I’m there when you need me, why can’t I get the same treatment? I’m really at the point of just giving up with some people. If they won’t make time, I won’t either. I’ll take that wasted energy and put it towards friends I really should make time for but the both of us are just too busy.

        • In the same boat :

          Know how you feel.

        • You haven’t really said, if you actually need someone to talk to, do you tell them that?

          In other words, you say these are friends you go months without talking, then you pick up the phone with hem and it’s like no time has passed. They call you when they need someone. You feel like you don’t get the same in return. My question is, are you actually CALLING them, saying “I need to talk to someone about a problem I’m having” and they don’t call you back or don’t have time for you?
          Or, are you calling and leaving messages like ‘hey, call me when you have a chance’, and you really have a problem you want to talk to someone about…but you didn’t *say* that?

          I ask because I am not a phone person. If I get a message like the first one, I call that person back immediately. If it’s the latter, though, I might call back days later, weeks later, or not at all, if I don’t ‘have a chance’.

          If you aren’t getting your needs met, then that needs to be addressed, but you have to make sure that you are asking for what you want, and not passive aggressively being upset they didn’t ‘know’ what you needed. If you are asking, then it’s time to review the value of the friendship, but just make sure you honestly assess your own behavior first.

          • Yeah, this was my question. I generally call my friends when I have news or need to vent, and they do the same. It’s reciprocal, and it doesn’t bother me, and if we don’t have time, we try to call back when we do.

        • eastbaybanker :

          I appreciate everyone’s thoughts on this as well, and have been in the same boat (the one that only I’m rowing!).

          I have a good friend who was my new best friend for about a year when she was having trouble getting pregnant. Then she got pregnant and after I helped throw her a baby shower, she dropped me. She turned up recently wanting to talk about 2 years later. Apparently she’s trying to get pregnant again and having problems. I am basically her side person to tell stuff she should be paying a therapist to listen to.

          It’s sad because I would like to be real actual freinds with her. But that’s just not what she has in mind. I’ve decided that there’s no point in talking to her about it. I agree with LStar that you can’t change someone’s behavior by talking. And also agree with mamabear that is can be hard to move on, but that’s life. We make new friends, lose old ones.

          And since we’re sharing mom advice, my mom always said, “Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver, the other gold.” Which as an adult I take to mean that you have to accept that you’ll grow apart from people who used to be close, but that it’s worth keeping those epeople in your life in whatever way they fit.

        • My “best friend” and I have really grown apart over the last 3 or 4 years. So much so that I learned she got engaged when her fiancé changed his Facebook status. I’ve often thought about just stopping all communication and accepting the fact that our lives have just gone in different directions after 15 years. However, I just went to visit her to celebrate her engagement and we had the most fun time. I would be hesitant to write friends off, no matter how frustrated you may be. You never know when you may need them.

    • Anne Shirley :

      I try and reframe it- there are lots of people who live far away who I talk to every few months, and it’s great! We aren’t bogged down in each others daily dramas and can really connect on a broader life sort of way.

    • I’m 47 so approximately 25 years out of college. I see a handful of college friends probably once a year now. And we were SISTERS! (Sorority.) I thought we’d be close forever. But, I’m not friendless now. In fact, I have difficulties finding enough time to spend with all of my friends.

      You make new friends as you move through life. Work friends, neighborhood friends, friends of your significant other, and then if/when you have kids, a whole new group of parent friends.

      It sounds like you are more reluctant to move on from your college relationships than some of your friends are. Everyone does it at a different pace & obviously, most of us don’t realize we’re doing it. (Well, except for that one friend who immediately dropped all of us as soon as we graduated – I remember that like it was yesterday.)

      But the truth is, you’re inevitably going to be less tight with friends that no longer live in the same city and share the same schedule. It doesn’t mean you have to feel abandoned by your college friends. They can still be your friends. They are just not going to be your closest friends.

      I’m sorry. I remember these transitions and some of them hurt my feelings. I’m sure I probably hurt others feelings without really knowing it. But I’m just writing this to say, don’t ice out someone who is less engaged in your friendship than you are. Don’t burn bridges. I have found that it’s fun to keep in touch with all of these old friends from college. I may only get a Christmas card once a year from some of them, but it’s joyful to receive the card and think about them again. If I walked around harboring resentments about how each college friend wasn’t as close a friend as she used to be – well, that would be a pretty miserable way to live my life.

      • I definitely agree with this: “But I’m just writing this to say, don’t ice out someone who is less engaged in your friendship than you are. Don’t burn bridges. I have found that it’s fun to keep in touch with all of these old friends from college. I may only get a Christmas card once a year from some of them, but it’s joyful to receive the card and think about them again. If I walked around harboring resentments about how each college friend wasn’t as close a friend as she used to be – well, that would be a pretty miserable way to live my life.”

        I had a friend from college that was once one of my best friends and now is not, and while it was very painful at the time (and I agonized over inviting her to my very small wedding last year), it’s still fun to keep in touch with the (very) occasional email, and I know that if I’m ever in her part of the country that I’d absolutely give her a call.

      • In House Counsel :

        Mamabear, that was beautifully said. As someone in her early 30s, I am still struggling with all the transitions in college/grad school/life and beyond friendships and need to remember we make new friends as we grow and progress along.

      • Yes, mamabear. Exactly.

        The truth is, it’s a lot tougher to keep school friends once you’re out of school.

        And it’s tough to find any friends at all once you’re out of school, especially if you don’t have a lot of friends at work.

        I recently got an email from the boyfriend of my friend who lives in another state. He said, “She considers you one of her best friends.” I thought, wow, we haven’t talked in like a year. But sometimes that’s who your best friends are.

  9. Since Jcrew is not carrying my beloved No. 2 Pencil skirt in wool right now – any other idea where one could find a Navy wool pencil skirt of similar weight as the No. 2?

    • Have you tried e B a y? I’ve had a lot of luck buying new/gently used No. 2s from there.

  10. Legally Brunette :

    I’m looking for the perfect pink lipstick. Skin color wise, I wear Tahoe in Nars and I’m a NC42 (maybe NC45?) in MAC. Somewhat around Halle Berry’s complexion, I would say. I tried the Revlon Pink Truffle everyone was raving about, and unfortunately, it hardly showed up on my lips – too close to my skin color, I think. Not looking for a bubble gum pink, just a nice pink that I can wear to work. Ideas?

    • I like Clinique “Shy” and the Chubby Stick in Strawberry. I think there’s also one called Fireberry, something like that, that I like.

      I am a somewhat yellowish-toned pale white woman, so I don’t know if these colors will help you. On the other hand, there are some colors I wear quite successfully (purples, olivey chartreuses) that I often see worn by black ladies, so maybe undertone is key.

      • Second Chubby Stick in Strawberry.
        It will not create that made-up look – more “your lips but better” effect.

        • Legally Brunette :

          Do you have the same skin color as I do? The problem is that pinks that work for Caucasian women don’t work at all on me, and vice versa probably.

        • I am white, so yeah, my advice is not guaranteed to work. However, I have just googled “Halle Berry pink lipstick” and still think Strawberry is worth a try.

      • Clinque Shy was the lipstick I bought and wore for my wedding! I still love it and wear it often (almost 4 years later).

    • SF Bay Associate :

      Have you been to Bobbi Brown yet? She has beautiful pinks for most skin tones.

      • just Karen :

        I love Bobbi Brown lipsticks – for a nice pink, I love her Metallic Pretty Pink, or for a very very neutral -pint, Pink Brownie is fantastic.

      • Legally Brunette :

        I did a while back, and the woman at the counter was extremely unhelpful! Maybe I should go see someone else.

      • i second the Bobbi Brown rec. I’m slightly lighter than you (NC37-40) and really like her rich lip color line. There’s a gorgeous heather pink shade (i can’t remember the exact name) that gives me the MLBB better look, and a little bit of shine. Plus the formula is pretty hydrating so when it wears off, my lips don’t feel dried out.

    • Anonymouse :

      Try Dior Addict lipstick. They have a ton of pinks of all kinds, most of which I can’t wear, sadly — from pale to dark pinks. You might try Vintage or Backstage – both are darkish, a bit brownish pinks that look very natural. You have to actually look at the color in the tubes, though — the online swatches and the colored bulb on the end of the testers are not true to color at all! You need to pick up each one and look at it.

      • Anonymouse :

        Forgot to say that I am have a classic Celtic ruddy/fair complexion, but there are so many pinks in dior’s line that it seems at least possible that you could find a good match.

    • Hi – I am around the same complexion as you. I use the Clinique chubby stick in Strawberry as the other folks mentioned. I also recommend Clinique butter shine lipstick in Raspberry Rush.

      • Oh, that reminds me – Pink Goddess from the butter shine line is also very nice, a bit more of a golden pink.

    • I have MAC in Lovelorn and I think it would look great on your complexion. MAC’s website describes it as an “emotive blue pink (lustre).

    • I’m a tad lighter and probably a bit more olive than you, but I have several pink lip products in rotation that add a nice, subtle pop:

      Laura Mercier Sheer Baby Pink
      Guerlain Rouge G Georgia
      Nars Lip Gloss in Stella and Oasis

  11. I brought in flowers and a gift card for my assistant — I still haven’t gauged what the level of giftiness is here for AA day, so I went middle of the road. I just put them on her desk. No one else has flowers etc.

    Either everyone else forgot or is having fancier arrangements delivered. It really could go either way.

    • AnonInfinity :

      I’m crossing my fingers for you. I feel this occasion is so much more difficult than Christmas. Plus I recently got my own assistant rather than a shared one, so I had to do the gift by myself. I did a small arrangement and a card, which I hope is enough. Eep!

  12. SF Bay Associate :

    San Francisco meetup this Saturday! Cafe Asia in the Asian Art museum at 1pm on Saturday the 28th. See you there!

    • Yay, I’m excited!

      I am planning to go earlier to check out the exhibits, if anyone wants to do that, too. Reply here, and if anyone else is interested, I’ll come up with a meetup plan. I’m thinking 11:30am.

    • eastbaybanker :

      Too bad–I’m volunteering all day Saturday. Next time!

  13. SF Bay Associate :

    I clicked on today’s pick, decided it wouldn’t work for my figure, and then while at the Nordie’s site, I checked on my cart to see if anything I threw in there to wait for markdowns went on sale. The Ivanka Trump Audrina skirt I’ve been waiting for went down, so thanks for pointing me back to my cart, Kat!

  14. Yay, after 3 months of searching, I finally got a job offer (and the long distance part of my marriage can end!). Negotiating question: has anyone here successfully negotiated a title change when considering an offer for a new job? I’m a “Director” at my current job, but the offer is for a “Manager”. Wondering about the possibility of asking for the position title to be changed to “Director”…

    • Congratulations!!!

    • Yes, but you should consider the implications of the title at your office. If there are other people whose title is director, director could mean something totally different than what it means at your current job. I would ask them about it, but also ask if there are other people with that title and what it means in their office.

    • D Train South :

      Congrats! I did this once, and I was successful in large part because there was no one else in the organization who had either title, so there was no issue of “status”. That also meant it really didn’t matter to my managers what my title was — the job was the same.

      • Thanks ladies! I’ll definitely be sure to look into the implications of the title change, but fingers crossed that it works out.

  15. Always a NYer :

    Question for those of you who have trained your successor. My internship ends in six weeks and I’ll be “training” the new intern during the three weeks we overlap. I hardly got any training when I started so I’m at a loss as to what to do as I was specifically told by my supervisor (who is retiring before my internship end) that it was my responsibility to show him the ropes. I’m in a cube so we’ll basically be hip-to-hip during that time. Other than showing him how to do my current responsibilites and monitor a process I created, I don’t know what else to do other than show him where everything is/who to go to for what on the campus. In my mind, all this won’t even take a week. Also, normal hours are 8am-5pm but I’ve worked it out with my boss that I can come in at 7am and leave at 4pm to go to the gym here. Do I tell him this? I’m not sure if my boss wants the new intern to think he can do this or not.

    To sum it all up, how should I go about this? Are there things I need to let him figure out on his own or is it my duty to give him the benefit of my experience? TIA.

    *Sadly, because my computer will no longer be my own, my Corporette time will be severly limited during those three weeks =(

    • Merabella :

      I would assume that his hours would have been discussed with him prior to his being hired, so I wouldn’t worry about that as it isn’t your responsibility. I would do what you have written here, it may only take a week, after that just be there to answer questions for him if any come up while he is working.

      Congrats on finishing your internship!

    • Yeah, I would do what you suggested. Also, is there anything else you wish you’d been told when you started?

      If you have projects, brief him on each one. I’m sure there are things that you will need to finish up. He can help you do that.

  16. TJ SOS:

    Next week my SO and I will be traveling to Nashville to hang out and then to Louisville for the Kentucky Derby. Due to work/life craziness though, we have done minimal planning/research into places to stay, eat and visit. I would appreciate any and all recommendations. Since life has been so crazy, we want to keep the trip low key and are looking to stay in cute b&bs, eat lots of amazing bbq, drink at country bars, and buy a kick a** pair of cowboy boots.

    Any recommendations for the above activities? Particularly cute B&Bs (or lowkey/romantic hotels) in Nashville (we were thinking of East Nashville possibly?) or an hour or so outside of Louisville in the direction of Nashville would be really appreciated. We will be driving between the two cities. Thanks!

    • Always a NYer :

      I’m planning a trip to Nasville in June and at the top of my list is to visit the Parthenon re-creation in Centennial Park. I also want to see the Grand Ole Opry and buy an awesome pair of cowboy boots. Have fun and let us know how it goes!!!

      • The Country Music Hall of Fame is really, really fun. And do the Studio B tour.

      • When DH and I went to Nashville a few years ago we went to this place on Broadway btwn 2nd and 4th, can’t remember the name, but they had a buy 1 get 2 pairs free deal that was ongoing. If you are going with a group, get together and buy some boots!

    • If you like bourbon, you should definitely check out the distilleries. Google Kentucky bourbon trail. I’m jealous–I haven’t been back to Kentucky in years (I grew up in Louisville)! Have fun at the Derby! Have you picked out a hat yet?

    • Nashvillian here... :

      I’m not aware of any B&Bs in East Nashville, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any. There is lots and lots of great food, bars and nightlife over there though, so you should definitely check it out.

      Honestly, given what you are describing (BBQ, country bars, etc.), you probably want to stay downtown in walking distance of Broadway and do cabs (or drive) everywhere else. There really aren’t any “unique” properties, but there’s a nice (new) Hampton, a Hilton, etc. Or you could splurge and stay at the Hermitage. It’s not got the biggest rooms, but the Oak Bar is wonderful, it has the top rated men’s bathroom in the nation (random, huh?) and was the scene of some big moments in the Suffragette Movement, which is pretty cool.

    • I’m moving to Louisville soon so I’m also interested in any suggestions too. Bette – if you have the chance to report back after your trip, please do!

    • I would tend to agree with Nashvillian’s suggestion of staying downtown. If you go to the bars such as Toosie’s or Robert’s Western World, you would be able to walk back to your hotel. Except for taxis, public transportation in Nashville is a joke. Metro police have a special DUI unit that saturates the downtown area, as well as looking for potential offenders elsewhere. With that said, I had a quick look at Tripadvisor. If you search “Nashville, TN” then click on Inn/BB’s you will see a few possibilities. At a glance, I would focus on a couple of them. One is 1501 Linden Manor, which is in the Belmont area. It doesn’t look walkable to Hillsboro Village but probably is to the 12 South area [which I am not very familiar with – perhaps Nashvillian would know what’s there]. For east Nashville, there is Top o’Woodland. This does appear to be walkable, as a geographic matter, to bars and restaurants, though I’m not sure these would be country bars. Though I have happily visited Cafe Margot and Marche restaurants in that area, I am not certain of the walkability of the area at night with regard to safety – perhaps a local would know. All in all, when I’m looking for Nashville nights out, I stay downtown and walk to the bars after cabbing it to a restaurant. [my fav’s are not downtown]. Although I’m sure there is some decent BBQ somewhere in Nashville, BBQ is not Nashville’s “thing”. Hot Chicken is, and I heartily recommend Prince’s Hot Chicken, so long as you are not in a hurry.

      • onehsancare :

        Cannot recommend Prince’s Hot Chicken highly enough!! Ditto the “not in a hurry” part of that advice, though–I thought we could stop on the way to the airport. The friendly taxi driver finally turned off the meter after I was in line AN HOUR.

        I still dream about the chicken . . . .

    • East Nashvillian here – there is a B & B in the neighborhood; it’s cute-ish but not super (Top of the Woodlands). Every other hotel close to us is pretty sketchy. But the bars / restaurants in our area are top notch. No. 308 got a NYT mention. It’s a funky bar with cocktails and great music – the owners are young and laid back.

      I would recommend either staying downtown or near Vanderbilt – most of the hotels in the Vanderbilt area have a free shuttle to downtown / honky tonks.

      For your boots – I recommend going to Nashville Boot Company, as opposed to the places downtown (which mark up hugely for the tourists).

      Restaurants: City House (my favorite hands down – Italian-Southern, local ingredients, super cool staff, great drinks/wine list), Marche, 12th South Tap Room, ML Rose Pub, Mas Tacos Por Favor, The Pharmacy

      Bars: No. 308, The Patterson House, Roberts (Honky Tonk), The Station Inn

      If you like BBQ, in Louisville, go to Hammerheads. They have traditional BBQ, then some really interesting takes on it – pulled duck, a rack of lamb ribs. It’s in an odd spot, but the food was terrific. The owners were up for regional best new chef in Food and Wine.

      I’m rambling on and on… email me at natalied119 at yahoo if you want more thoughts or directions. There’s a ton to do in Nashville and we travel to Louisville often (it’s a fun driving trip from here).

      Have fun!

    • In moderation – reposting without my email address.

      East Nashvillian here – there is a B & B in the neighborhood; it’s cute-ish but not super (Top of the Woodlands). Every other hotel close to us is pretty sketchy. But the bars / restaurants in our area are top notch. No. 308 got a NYT mention. It’s a funky bar with cocktails and great music – the owners are young and laid back.

      I would recommend either staying downtown or near Vanderbilt – most of the hotels in the Vanderbilt area have a free shuttle to downtown / honky tonks.

      For your boots – I recommend going to Nashville Boot Company, as opposed to the places downtown (which mark up hugely for the tourists).

      Restaurants: City House (my favorite hands down – Italian-Southern, local ingredients, super cool staff, great drinks/wine list), Marche, 12th South Tap Room, ML Rose Pub, Mas Tacos Por Favor, The Pharmacy

      Bars: No. 308, The Patterson House, Roberts (Honky Tonk), The Station Inn

      If you like BBQ, in Louisville, go to Hammerheads. They have traditional BBQ, then some really interesting takes on it – pulled duck, a rack of lamb ribs. It’s in an odd spot, but the food was terrific. The owners were up for regional best new chef in Food and Wine.

      Have fun!

    • Thank you all for the advice! I will report back on cool things we find in both Nashville and Louisville.

    • I love Nashville! I’m a big country music fan, so I took a tour of Ryman Auditorium, too. It’s right by the Country Music Hall of Fame.

  17. Shopping challenge threadjack:

    I am having an unreasonably difficult time replacing a pair of sandals… I wore these Marc by Marc Jacobs bad boys (mine were beige/light tan) from 2008 through last summer but they’ve given up the ghost:

    Here’s what I liked: minimalist (vs strappy) but not *too* minimalist. In beige, they were nude for me (I have very very pale skin). Small (1-inch?) wedge heel. I could wear them with jeans or dresses. And not too blocky—those Clark’s, Ecco, comfort-type shoes don’t look good on me.

    Has anyone with similar taste seen good sandals this year? Ideally beige or light pink (nude for me!), but I am open to color (minus black).

    Thanks in advance!

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      Would these work or would they be too distinctive/strappy?

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      Also potentially these?

      • The Miz Mooz look awesome. Does anyone have experience with the brand?

        • I have several pairs of Miz Mooz boots and shoes, although not sandals. I would say they are very well-made shoes for the price, they have beautiful and interesting colors, and run fairly true to size and are not excessively narrow or wide.

          The pair of shoes that I bought had a sort of weird smell for a while, I think it might have been the leather dye they used. It did air out, but took a bit longer than I might have expected. So, if the shoes seem to smell a bit chemically, don’t let that prevent you from keeping them if you love them, they’ll eventually lose the smell.

  18. best day ever :

    so far today, i have spilled coffee, yogurt (vanilla, so it left a nice white blob stain), water (half a nalgene) and white out on my black pants. it’s 10: 45. are the gods telling me i need to go to loft during my lunch and buy new pants since they’re doing 5o% off pants?

    • AnonInfinity :

      Yes. I don’t see how you could interpreted these signs any other way.

      • Agreed. The world works in mysterious ways at times, but this definitely sounds like a sign new pants are in your future ;)

    • That was me yesterday, except it was spilling Indian food all over myself at lunch (like: dish in the lap), changing into jeans, sitting down, and those jeans tearing in a very NSFW place. Luckily, I was not at work.

      Go shopping at lunch. New pants = do over!

    • Wow, that’s truly impressive. Yes, get thee to some new pants.

  19. just Karen :

    Today is my last day in the office before my wedding! And then two weeks off for my honeymoon – I am incredibly excited, but I have never left the office this long. I am an attorney working for another attorney part time, and as a sole practitioner part-time. The attorney I work for is willing to be on call to cover any emergencies, and the paralegal we share was going to check my mail and voicemail to be sure nothing major gets missed. Unfortunately, the paralegal has to have surgery tomorrow (minor, she should be totally okay) and will be out all of next week. Hopefully one of the other paralegals in the office will be willing to keep an eye on things, but I am now incredibly nervous. I have created an active case list with a VERY basic summary of what’s going on with each client, and will go through my files today to be sure current contact information is written on the inside cover. I have tried to let my clients and opposing counsel know that I’ll be gone for all of my active cases, but there are all those cases that have been sitting inactive for a year that could pop up at any moment. Any other advice for what I can do to cover myself? Ack!

    • Happy wedding and honeymoon to you!

    • Woods-comma-Elle :

      Congrats and enjoy – try not to worry too much about work, you’re not going to look back when you’re 80 and think ‘Gee, I wish I’d done more work on my honeymoon’!

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Set your out of office and voicemail so if anyone tries to reach you they know why they can’t. Also leave the emergency contact persons number but make clear it is for emergencies only. So, out of office could read:

      “I am out of the office for the next two weeks. If you have an urgent issue and need to speak with someone in that time frame, please call Joe at xxxxxxx. Otherwise, I will contact you when I return.”

      Make sure someone is checking your paper mail because in my jurisdiction you only get 10 days to respond to motions. You could draft a motion to extend deadline for the covering attorney to use if need be in your stead. I’m not sure how long you have been practicing. If you need sample lingo for that let me know.

      • just Karen :

        Thank you!!!!! Under normal conditions I would have no problem drafting a motion to extend deadline to leave on hand (brilliant thought!) but I swear the wedding planning has eaten my brain. If you have a sample you wouldn’t mind sending me, I would be forever in your debt! My e-mail (my real one uses my whole name, so forgive the tag on my commercial account – I chose it as an 18 year old :) ) is [email protected]

        • Blonde Lawyer :

          I don’t have one saved but this is what I would write. I’m posting it here in case others could use it. Keep in mind, my jurisdiction requires very specific pleading as to the circumstances requiring extension/continuance. Yours might just require you to say “unavailable.” I’m pointing this out cause otherwise I expect a ton of “but that’s TMI responses.” We also use a lot of archaic legal lingo so of course amend for your office.

          NOW COMES client, by and through her attorneys [firm name] and respectfully requests an additional _ days to respond to [opposing party’s] motion. Opposing party’s attorney [assents, objects, was contacted but has not yet responded ] to this motion. In support thereof, client states as follows:

          1. Client is represented by Attorney Karen.
          2. Attorney Karen is the only attorney in this office that has worked on this matter.
          3. Attorney Karen is out of the office until DATE for her wedding and honeymoon and will not be able to prepare a response before the regular deadline.
          4. (if opposing party couldn’t be reached or objected.) Opposing Party will not be prejudiced by this delay because (basically say why two more weeks won’t matter for the relief he/she requested) and this extension will not require the continuance of any trial or hearing. (If opposing party assents) Opposing party assents and this extension will not require the continuance of any trial or hearing.

          WHEREFORE, client respectfully requests that this honorable Court grant her (number) additional days to respond to Opposing Party’s Motion.

          Respectfully submitted,

          Attorney Karen

          Insert your usual cert of service.

          • Can I just say:

            1. Yay, just Karen! Congratulations on your wedding and have a wonderful, wonderful honeymoon.
            2. I love that this is such an amazing community where people like Blonde Lawyer take the time to provide comments and motion drafts like this. You are all fantastic.

            Incidentally, today is also my last day in the office for a while (Vegas and time off, here I come!)…but in my case it is my Last Day Ever in this office so I am in the middle of madly completing Last Day chores…It is so surreal.

          • just Karen :

            Thank you thank you thank you, a million times thank you!

    • Congratulations! Have a fantastic time. It sounds like you have everything covered. Make sure you change your voicemail/out of office directing callers/emailers to other people, and you should be set!

    • Vintage lawyer :

      I’m a sole practitioner and when I’ve left the office for vacation I’ve found it helpful to leave an outgoing voicemail message that says, “I am on vacation until X Date. If you have a true emergency, please contact Attorney XXX and he will locate me. Otherwise, please leave a message and I’ll call you when I return.” Somehow the words “true emergency” seem to work, no one ever calls my emergency contact, and I’m able to enjoy my vacation.

  20. DC Darling :

    Anyone know of an excellant tailor or alterations place in NOVA/DC? I am sick of doing it all myself and the last tailor I used botched a beautiful Theory blouse.

    • I have never tried her, but everyone loves Cheryl Lofton and Associates.

    • Yes! Mrs. Joon at Dupont Court Cleaners. She’s extremely talented. She’s altered everything from basic sheath dresses to a formal gown with layers and layers of chiffon for me.

      If you need someone for a major event, like your wedding dress, Maria Luz at Anytime Alterations is fantastic. www (dot) anytimealterations (dot) com.

    • Yes! I’ve had great success at Fashion Dream in Clarendon. She did a great job on my wedding dress and has since done several more business-y alterations for my mom.

      • DC Darling :

        See now I’ve heard from friends that Fashion Dream is way overpriced. 30$ to hem pants? Forget it.

    • Honeymooning :

      Stephen the Tailor! In foggy bottom. He’s fab.

    • This is late, but…Reeds Tailor, on Lee Highway in NOVA. The strip mall in which he’s located is not much to look at, but his work is top-notch.

  21. K in... Transition :

    Am preparing to move to Ohio (CLE/Ak area, for those who know it)… have housing that’s affordable and am going to continue to job hunt there. No lease signed so nothing stopping me from going back to Miami if it doesn’t work out. However apparently nothing is meant to be smooth sailing for long in my life… I woke up this morning to a call from my brother. Our mother lives in a townhouse surrounded by condos. The condos have a left side, a large hallway, then the right side. One of the right side condos in the building attached to our mother’s house caught fire last night and destroyed 4 apartments. It sounds like the only damage to our mother’s house is from smoke in the air and that her car is covered in soot and such, but that’s one hell of a wake-up call (literally). Didn’t realize how bad it was until I saw the video ( Hope you all are having a better day!

    • OMG, that fire looked pretty scary. I’m glad your mom is OK, and that her house and car are mostly ok, although ugh, smoke/soot really sucks.

      Good luck with the move to Ohio. How does this affect the relationship that was brewing between you and that guy with the child?

      • K in... Transition :

        not sure yet, he’s coming here on Friday (he’s never been to Miami) and then on Sunday/Monday he and I are driving up. Been driving myself crazy looking for answers I can’t have yet so I’m trying to remain “cautiously optimistic” and just see what happens, but it’s sort of amazing to me both how much I hope something comes of it and how unjaded (lol) I really am, considering my last relationship was pretty toxic at the end.

        • I think you have a great attitude! It’s generous and fair-minded to this new person. It means you’re looking at him to see who he truly is, rather than just unloading whatever baggage from the ex onto this new guy.

          Better to be unjaded and optimistic than to borrow trouble where there isn’t any yet (and where they may not ever be trouble.) :-)

    • Whoa, how scary but glad to hear your mom is okay!

      Good luck with your move – I’m from the CAK area too :)

    • Wow – that is quite close to where I live! Glad she is safe!

      • In -House Europe :

        I assume this is way too late to get an answer, but K did you mention a few days ago that you had published an article? I missed the link if you had shared it and would love to read it!

  22. I made it to the tattoo thread from yesterday too late to ask this, so I’ll just threadjack here. I hope I’m not beating a dead horse.

    I am perfectly willing to keep my tattoos completely covered while in the office, but I am wondering how far this rule goes in a dressy business casual law firm. That is, do I need to keep it a total secret that I have any? I have a long walking commute and probably won’t want to wear a jacket during that time in the summer–do I need to put my jacket on a couple blocks away to avoid anyone from the office seeing arm tattoos at the front door or in the lobby? Should I cross the street to avoid running into coworkers on weekends? I just am wondering if the line is just keep them covered in the office out of respect for coworkers and the chance of seeing clients, versus don’t allow anyone to know you have them because they will judge you even if they can’t see them during the workday. FWIW I know that another male associate at my office has many tattoos that he showed during a swimming thing as a summer and he had no issue, but in my experience women are judged much more harshly for being heavily inked. I’m not looking to start another debate on how much people dislike tattoos, etc.; I just am curious about people’s thoughts on this.

    • I work in an office with a dressy business casual dress code. I generally cover my one visible tattoo in any sort of meeting, but if I’m sitting in my own office and I get hot I don’t hesitate to take off my sweater or jacket. And if I’m outside the office, unless I’m at a business meeting, I’m definitely not keeping a sweater on. My boss and colleagues have seen my tattoo multiple times at lunch or at non-work fun events. Other colleagues have tattoos too and they seem to do the same as me.

    • Unless you have some reason to believe that someone in your office has a strong aversion to tattoos, I wouldn’t cross the street to avoid them! That would be way weirder than them finding out you have tattoos. I think out of the office, on your own time, you should wear whatever you want. And if your run into your co-workers, they’ll probably just get a kick out of the fact that you’re secretly a bad *ss underneath your polished work exterior.

  23. henna tattoos :

    To the person who accused me of taking a cultural vacation for applying henna on my palms, I actually am South Asian and it’s part of my culture so…. take a vacation from your assumptions.
    Also, my point wasn’t that henna tattoos should be allowed and others shouldn’t, I just think people are way too judgy in general but recognize that is so and we have to live with it. Maybe people did think I was weird but under the circumstances I decided it was fine for me. I was willing to take the hit to my image if there was one. That is also a valid choice.

    • That anon’s comments bothered me, as well. I was still thinking about it this morning. Personally, I don’t think it matters why you have a tattoo, the question is professional perception. Just like how me wearing hijab leads to people perceiving *something* about me, true or not, the perceptions are there and it’s part of my every day. Big whoop. You make it work.

      Also, just to touch on the cultural misappropriation, as a Muslim South Asian, I am not offended AT ALL, BY ANY MEANS when someone not from a culture that typically wears henna/mehndi or desi clothing wears mehndi or desi clothing. Go for it. People need shed their hackles and let people do their thing.

    • I don’t understand. I’m white American but have gotten henna tattoos both at cultural exchange programs and as part of the mehndi at Indian and Pakistani weddings. Is that somehow “bad” because I’m not of those cultures? The whole tattoo thread was confusing, but I really don’t understand how something inherently temporary like henna could possibly be such a big deal.

    • I don’t think the person meant to attack you for getting a henna tattoo. I think the person meant to ultimately point out the difference between a culturally significant tattoo such as henna and a “i’m an unconvential badass” tattoo.

    • anon... again :

      I’m the anon and I’m not South Asian but am another culture which uses henna to mark certain occasions.

      I’ll make the comment I made afterwards:

      “In fact here’s a better example. I have a complicated ethnic name made up of words in a foreign language. It’s hard to pronounce. It stands out. However, if you choose to change your name to Xenu the Flower Princess, you don’t immediately get to complain that you are judged more that I am. Just because our names would both stand out doesn’t mean it’s the same.”

      That point still stands, there is no valid comparison between pointing to my name and pointing to Xenu the Flower Princess. If you think there is, especially as a racial minority, I feel a bit sorry for you.

  24. Anonymous NYer :

    TJ: I know we’ve discussed this before in past threads, but I think they’re kind of old.

    Quest: a hand-held steamer that is strong, preferably under $100. I know most affordable hand helds don’t work much better than leaving your garment in your unventilated bathroom while showering, but I was hoping to find a few good recs for a reasonable price. It can’t be one with the huge stand because I’m anticipating a move to a studio/small 1 bed in my near future, and I already have way too much stuff that takes up floor space.


    • Amelia Pond :

      Rowenta has one (it may be the one Salit-a-gator has) that has a small steamer base and then has an over the door hook where you can hang the steamer cord and has a place for a hanger as well. Mine has lasted 2+ years now. With a bed,bath,and beyond coupon it was under 100.

    • I just started using the hand-held steamer by Jiffy. It work pretty well (but not as well as the stand-alone steamers). Effectiveness definitely depends on the fabric.

  25. Salit-a-gator :

    I have a Rowenta steamer from Macys – it rocks. It has the steamer portion at the bottom, a steamer cord and an upside down U shape so you can hang the clothing while steaming – this make a big difference in my book. I had a handheld steamer before, and this is much much better than that.

  26. Woods-comma-Elle :

    I will probably re-post this at coffee break (but because of the time difference I then won’t get around to seeing the responses until tomorrow), but I’m interested in the differences in the level of responsibility people have as lawyers.

    Background: I work in a small transactional team and get a ton of responsibility – drafting transaction documents, advising clients, running closings etc. I do things on my own and I ask if I have a question/get approval to CYA-purposes. The partners I work for are great about this, always encouraging me to be the point of contact for clients, copying me on all e-mails where I’m not, and giving credit where credit is due and support where it is required. So I’m pretty used to just running with things. In the last week or so I’ve done two things for a partner who isn’t in my team, one a full-blown 30-page agreement, the other an advice to a client. Both were sent out to the client by the partner with his name on it and without any changes. The e-mails were subsequently forwarded to me. This made me feel a little like my work wasn’t appreciated/I wasn’t deemed an important part of the team despite having done all the work. I also thought it was odd that said partner was happy to just forward the stuff on without reviewing it and putting his name on it!

    This isn’t a complaint one way or another, this was mostly just interesting as it showed how differently some partners work and I wondered how other juniors/mids find this. For context, I am second year in BigLaw (although it’s a slightly different system here so probably more equivalent to a third year).

    • Former MidLevel :

      I think you’re right that this is a good example of how partners vary. I didn’t do much client advice work (I was in litigation), but in my limited experience, the partner would forward my memos to the client w/my name still on it. But I think he did so to cover his own a** if I was wrong.

    • I’m in government, so it’s a bit different, but nothing I do goes out without review. When my boss needs to write an email to his boss about a substantive legal issue, he will often have me write it, and then he makes edits and sends it to his boss as his own. It can be crazy-making sometimes.

    • I think this means the partner trusts you and thinks you do good work (hence not reviewing it and putting his name on it). Try to look on the bright side. The client probably has no idea who you are and would just be confused if you were copied on the email or wonder why the partner has someone they don’t know working on the case.

      If you want feedback, reply to the forwarded email from the partner and ask him if he was happy with your work and if he has any suggestions or comments for you. That’s totally fine.

      • Woods-comma-Elle :

        This is a really interesting angle, I never thought of it like this!

  27. going anon :

    Some of you may figure out who I am so let me say that I’m not trying to be purposely disingenuous – just trying not to be specific for this as to not embarrass someone.

    We’re doing a daylong interview with a young woman and she has the unfortunate social quirk of trying to anticipate what you’re saying and repeating the last word you say. I found it mildly problematic but she’s young and overeager and trying to do a great job, but one of my colleagues finds it extremely annoying. She asked me if I think it’s just because she’s young and overeager and nervous or if I think it’s something that someone could “unlearn” if it were pointed out to them. What do you all think? I want to give her a fighting chance because I feel like she’s probably our second candidate from the top.

    • Woods-comma-Elle :

      I think both – she is young and overeager and she could unlearn this – she probably isn’t even aware of it.

      Also, a friend of mine does this and it’s a little annoying, but I have actually got used to it over time and don’t really notice it anymore.

      • Former MidLevel :

        Agreed – it’s probably both. This is a communications behavior and behaviors can be modified.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      Maybe I don’t totally understand what she’s doing but is it something like:

      “So I see here on your resume that you have some experience working with Can you tell me more about -”

      “That experience? Yep! So I did X, Y, and Z…”

      (as in, she is interrupting you) or is it more like:

      “So I see here on your resume that you have some experience working with Can you tell me more about what specific roles you played setting up Salesforce for your past organization?”

      “The specific roles I played setting up Salesforce for my past organization? Well, I did X, Y, and Z.”

      The first I think could be easily unlearned. The second is something I don’t normally do but I’ve seen suggested (and had suggested TO do to me by my career services office in undergrad) — buys you some time to think of your answer and confirms that you understand what you’re being asked, is the theory. That might be tougher to unlearn but possible. Either way, I’d assume it could be unlearned and it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me necessarily.

      • going anon :

        It’s a bit of an interruption but not entirely. More as I’m saying something, she’s nodding vigorously and anticipating what I’m going to say and almost finishing my sentence but just repeating the end of my sentence. It has not been in the interview situation per se. It was in conversation at dinner last night (which I didn’t notice at all, but my colleague did – I was really tired) and when I was walking around with her this morning.

        • She’s probably nervous, eager to please, and could certainly unlearn it. That said, it is probably something she has been told to do along the way, “Make sure you understand the question by repeating it back to the person before answering.” To my mind, that isn’t actually a bad skill to have when dealing with clients.

          • going anon :

            I get what you’re saying here but she’s repeating what I’m saying while I’m saying it!

        • In the past I’ve been known to engage in this/a similar quirk when I’m VERY nervous and in a group of people who are very senior to me or are in a position of power over me. It was unconscious, and very much a nervous tic. However, when it was pointed out to me, I was able to watch my behavior in nervous-making situations, and (to my knowledge) I no longer do this.

          As someone who is still young and over-eager, I can say that what helped me is focusing on taking a small breath after the speaker finishes before answering the question or responding to a statement.

      • Amelia Pond :

        As someone who does this, (moments ex. 1) it is a very hard habit to break especially when you are nervous. I have been working on it for a few months now and if I am not vigilent about it then it pops out. I am also young and eager though which may be why I am also having a hard time making it stop.

    • She probably is just nervous and enthusiastic and will stop doing it once she’s part of the team. At any rate, it’s definitely something than can be unlearned. If she’s otherwise good I definitely would not ding her based on this. Enthusiasm is a positive trait; she just has to learn how better to express it.

    • Something like that seems to be nerves/unlearnable, especially if she seems like the eager beaver type.

      • going anon :

        Yeah that’s what I’m thinking, although my younger colleague is seriously annoyed by it and we all work as part of a team. I’m willing to wait and see what happens in the rest of her day (presentation and formal interview) and view it as a whole. I think she’s smart, bright and energetic and, although she may be my #2 candidate right now, you don’t always get your #1.

    • Interesting. I have a (great) female student who does this, and it never occurred to me to clue her in to help her stop. I always feel exhausted from meetings with her, but maybe I should think of it as something I can help her work on, rather than just trying not to be drowned out!

      She will be interviewing for jobs soon enough, of course! Food for thought.

      • I have a friend who does this, and my sister tends to as well – kind of finish my sentence for/over me. I have from time to time wanted to change the word as I was saying it, so for example, I might say, “I think Macy’s has some really nice dre–” and they’ll fill in “dresses” for me, but I will change midstream to “drain pipes.”

        Because I love my sister and my friend, I tolerate it, but I think it would be very annoying in a work situation.

    • Beach Bar :

      My mom does this and it drives me up the wall. But she’s a dental hygienist and spends her day carrying on “conversations” with people where they spit a few words out and she guesses where they were going and runs with it to keep the conversation going until the patient can get a few more words out. It’s a great skill for her job–she always would come home and say “A patient told me to tell you X, Y, and Z about moving to Big City They Used To Live In, and they gave me their e-mail if you have questions!”–leaving me to figure out how she got that much out of someone who had instruments in their mouth the entire time.

      I’ve mentioned it to her so she’s aware of it, but after 30 years on the job, it’s definitely not something she can unlearn. Maybe it’s different for a younger person, but I’d be sensitive about it because it’s possible she picked up this habit from conversing with a family member who has speech difficulties.

    • Divaliscious11 :

      Its also possible that she may have/have had a speech related disability, such as echolalia, and repeats the last of what she says to make sure she is understanding what was asked of her. My daughter has echolalia so she repeats what ever you say to her, and then answers the question. If an adult did it, I am not sure I’d even notice it at this point.

    • going anon :

      Well the plot thickens! She did an absolutely fabulous presentation and a great interview. This little quirk was a lot less noticeable as she got more comfortable throughout the day, especially in her interview. I think she’s just nervous and really eager. But a great candidate!

  28. Unlined. Why? Why?!

  29. TJ: talking about engagements earlier……….. anyone just decide not to get a diamond ring?
    My thought process on this started with “I don’t see the point in getting an expensive huge diamond ring…” and lead to “why spend money on a diamond ring at all?”

    My SO is in the same place – his job deals with materials and crystal structures, so he was thinking a moissanite or silicon carbide ring would be cool for the hardness factor alone. For our “let’s get married in a few years/after grad school” talk/ engagement dinner, he surprised me a small sapphire pendant and a mug from the restaurant where we had our first date. It’s not that I don’t like jewelry or shiny things (oh I do!), it’s that I don’t care for diamonds.

    I think the fabricated demand for diamonds is insane (insanely smart of De Beers), that it’s likely people were exploited for a stone, and since it’s impossible to resell a diamond, they lose value over time.
    But I would never say that to a friend who is happily wearing an engagement ring. I’m not sure how to explain to people that we’re engaged sans ring, and that there’s never going to be a ring.

    • During the last thread about rings, someone said Miss Manners’ take is that engagements are an agreement to get married, with or without ring. I’m likely in your category, and I love the option of saying to someone who asks why I don’t have a ring, “Miss Manners says I don’t need one!” It’s kind of cheeky/cute, not defensive, suggests no “explanation to people” should be necessary…and that pushing the issue would be rude on the questioner’s part.

      I don’t endorse Miss Manners across the board, but I’ll call her in when it’s expedient. Quoting Carolyn Hax, alas, probably won’t silence dissenters until like 2040.

    • Yes, I did this, it’s fine, you don’t have to explain unless someone asks, and then you can say you’re not that into engagement rings / not that into rings / decided to save for something you can both enjoy / whatever.

      • punk rock tax lawyer :

        Agreed. I didn’t have an engagement ring, either, and I handled it the same way. Generally, if someone asked, I just told the truth — I didn’t have an engagement ring because I didn’t want one. I don’t think anyone pressed the issue more than that.

        • I’m pleasantly surprised that this has more than one response.
          Everyone has great advice and this makes me feel a better about not being traditional.
          My extended family seems to have taken the absence of a ring and the fact that we are waiting three years to get married as a sign that we’re not actually engaged… it kind of hurts, and has me thumbing back through threads where people eloped. :)

        • This is me too. I didn’t want an engagement ring, and to anyone who asked why I didn’t have a ring (when we told that person we had gotten engaged), I just said I didn’t want one.

          For those few people who pressed the issue, I said I’d much rather have a monthlong honeymoon (the truth), so we’re doing that instead.

    • I agree with you that the diamond market is ridiculous. So I got a ring – but not a diamond.

    • I am married for the second time, so I didn’t want an engagement ring, but we picked out an estate ring with diamonds (mine or empire cut, not round brilliant) from the 1900s or 1910s and that served as both my engagment and wedding ring. I started wearing it before we got married just because it was so pretty, I couldn’t wait.

      One of my coworkers didn’t have an engagement ring. She and her husband wore plain bands every day. They made kind of a big stink about diamonds being exploitative and all of that – which, by the way, can get uncomfortable when you’re making a big stink about it to someone who is wearing a diamond on her finger. You’re wise not to go there.

      But then my coworker’s grandmother died and my colleague inheirited her own, rather large diamond solitaire ring, and you can bet she now wears that every day! I would too, it’s gorgeous.

      However, my coworker has had to eat a little crow about what she said about diamonds. (Her grandmother’s giant diamond was an “upgrade” in the last years of her life, not an old diamond.)

    • I don’t like engagement rings because of the historical connotations. I’m not property to be bought with a ring, and I hate that engaged women are supposed to be marked as taken while men are not so marked until the wedding. I know that almost everyone who gets an engagement ring these days is not doing so for these reasons at all, but they still bother me. I didn’t want an engagement ring and wouldn’t have worn one. However, if someone asked, I just said I don’t like rings and didn’t want one (which is true). It’s really no one else’s business why I don’t have one, but it’s also none of my business to tell them why I don’t like them.

      • Anonymous :

        Thank you. That’s why I don’t have one – either the man and I both wear one, or we both don’t.

    • I got a sapphire ring rather than a diamond. Several partners from my firm made comments about the fact that it wasn’t a diamond/ that it didn’t count as an engagement ring/they didn’t understand how someone could get engaged without a diamond. I ignored them and just repeated that this was the ring I wanted.

      It was annoying, but eventually the comments died down. Now they just consistently ask why we are waiting years to get married…

      • Wow, that is a striking illustration of the power of De Beers’ marketing.

      • How bizarre. Diana, Princess of Wales’ engagement ring (which Prince William later gave to Kate Middleton as her engagement ring) is a sapphire.

        So is my mom’s, and so is my now-sister-in-law’s.

        • Sorry — I meant that the partners’ comments were bizarre, not your ring. Hope that was clear from the context!

    • I only have a wedding band and never got a lot of comments. An engagement ring was not important to me and we had other uses for the money.

    • 100% in this camp. diamonds always struck me as a waste of money. i like jewelry & plan to just get something more reasonable we both like.

    • lucy stone :

      I have a moissanite solitaire and several members of my fiance’s family criticized him for being cheap even though it is what I wanted. We have better stuff to spend our money on than diamonds.

      • Replying late so who knows if you’ll see, but: I got a pink sapphire solitaire (no diamonds) as an engagement ring because I wanted something fun but didn’t want a diamond. My now-husband had SUCH a hard time finding one — and all the jewelers kept harassing him that he was being cheap or I was lying or somehow it was INSANE not to want a diamond engagement ring — that he just went to a nice jeweler I knew and had one designed and created. It’s lovely and simple and allowed us to save for the down payment on our wonderful house. Almost everyone has responded positively in a “that’s an unusual and nice ring” way. Anyone who doesn’t? Gets “my husband designed it for me and I think it’s perfect.” Go with the ring you want and just smile sweetly at the haters.

  30. Looking for a dress to attend a June wedding in the midwest and saw this..

    What do you all think? I don’t have a lot of money to spend but I do need a few investiment pieces that that I can dress up or down. How is Reiss quality? Do you think it is worth the price? I have never seen any Reiss clothing in person so I don’t know what to expect. I am generally picky about fabric, stitching, fit, and overall quality…

    • SF Bay Associate :

      I have no personal experience either, but the Duchess of Cambridge f/k/a Kate Middleton wears a lot of Reiss. I’d take that as a good sign.

    • Two cents :

      There is a Reiss store in Boston that I visited recently after seeing all the rave reviews on this site about the brand. The dresses are beautiful, but they are not good for my figure. I’m a hourglass/slight pear (one size larger on bottom than on top) and all of the dresses were just not flattering on me. Also, the dresses are VERY fitted. I think the clothes work best on someone with a straight figure or someone who is the same size both on the top and bottom. Hope that helps.

    • Anne Shirley :

      Reiss is really excellent quality, and that dress looks like it will easily look great for years.

    • I have a dress very similar to this from Reiss and I love it! I think the quality is great. I found that the fabric is substantial. Personally, the cut works really well for me, I didn’t need to get it tailored at all (FWIW, I am usually about a size 4 in J. Crew dresses, a size 6 at most stores, and got the UK version of a six (I think a 10) and it fit perfectly). As two cents said, the dresses are very fitted, especially if you have a bit of hips/bo*ty, but would be great for a cocktail party / wedding / nice dinner, etc. I say go for it!

    • I was at Reiss store recently. I really liked their dresses and tried a few on. I think the quality and fabric is really nice. However, I felt like the cut wasn’t quite right for me. I am a size 2/4 in U.S. clothes, but 5 ft 4 in. It seemed like the things I tried on would have fit someone taller better…or maybe someone with a longer torso.

    • I love Reiss quality, although I echo the comment above that it is VERY fitted. My concern is the color: it’s very light to be wearing to a wedding. Does the dress come in a different color?

  31. TJ! I hope this isn’t so buried that it won’t be seen. I’m graduating next month and seriously considering moving back to the Bay Area. I’m wondering if anyone would care to shed some light on the legal market for little law. Specifically, I’m interested in knowing more about the current conditions for small firms that represent plaintiffs in civil rights cases (employment discrimination, disability discrimination, police misconduct, etc). Thanks!

    • That practice area isn’t really market-driven since your fees are paid by the defendants you sue (if you win). Your clients don’t need money. If anything, during down markets, more plaintiff-side firms open for that reason.

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