Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Cammie Reversible Printed Pencil Skirt

235 Comments

1. My friend offered to clean my laptop for me and did so by spraying lens cleaner directly on the screen. Almost immediately it began having screen problems, rendering the laptop unusable. I was with him when it began having issues and he preemptively said that they weren’t caused by his cleaning because he does it to his own computer all the time. I took it to the Apple Store, which said the problems were caused by liquid damage, that AppleCare wouldn’t cover it and that it’d be several hundred dollars to fix. I am certain the damage was caused by his cleaning. We are both students and I desperately need the laptop to do my homework etc. He is one of my closest friends and I really really do not want to ruin a friendship over this, but one of his difficult qualities is that he is extraordinarily cheap (i.e. will chase you down if you owe him a dollar). How do I proceed here? Suck it up and pay for it? Tell him what happened and see if he offers to pay? I haven’t told him about the outcome of the Apple Store appointment. If it matters, paying for the repairs would put a sizable dent in my budget but not in his (he has a trust fund and is extremely wealthy).

   1. “Hey, turns out spraying cleaner on my laptop caused $300 worth of damage to the screen. That’s going to make my budget really tight. Can you help cover the expense?”

      Don’t get into whether it’s his fault for doing it or yours for letting him or his trust fund. Just the facts. This happened, paying for it will be hard for you, can he help.

   2. Briefly – if you truly don’t want to lose him as a friend, you probably need to suck it up. It seems like he doesn’t know how to clean screens, but you allowed him to do it. OTOH, it sounds like he’s being very unsympathetic to your predicament, and is this really a quality you want in a friend? Maybe his reaction is telling you something about his personality that makes his friendship less appealing.

      1. Agree. Is it “cheapness” or “selfishness?”

         1. I am “cheap” when it comes to myself but not when it comes to other people.

            1. That’s why I asked–they aren’t necessarily the same thing, but can be often confused for one another. Someone could be super monetarily cheap, but extraordinarily generous with their time, support, etc. Or the cheapness could be a symptom of being a really selfish person who didn’t want to sacrifice anything for others. It’s really rooting out which is the case here that’s the issue.

   3. I think you suck it up and pay. If te laptop is that important you clean it yourself. Part of my thinking is that I can’t really imagine a little spray damaging the screen that bad- did you see him clean it? I think you can’t actually be sure it was the cleaning that did it- and I think that’s the risk you take when you let someone do a favor for you. Like if someone got in an accident with your car when they were getting it cleaned for you you wouldn’t have them pay for it.

      1. I agree. This is the risk you take when you let a friend clean expensive equipment. Chalk it up as an (expensive) lesson and be more careful who loan your laptop to and for what purpose in the future.

   4. Can you google your screen issues and see what the internet says? I’ve had my past few macbooks die when the screen failed, but none of them were caused by moisture, and I think it would take really excessive cleaning (like hosing down the computer) for moisture to ruin the screen.

      OTOH I screwed up my iphone screen due to excessive moisture and after a few days it returned to normal. Have you tried any of the tricks like putting your computer in rice?

      1. But – you are a student. You need a computer. Your friend is not going to pay for it. Sometimes you have to dent your budget for actual needs – this sounds like one of those cases.

      2. Macs are weirdly moisture sensitive. I spilled a drop of tea onto my touch pad (which I quickly wiped up) and it’s now nonfunctional. I have to use an external mouse.

   5. Yay! You have answered your OWN question in the last line. If he has a trust fund and is EXTREMELEY wealthy, tell him you will give HIM your Macbook Air and let HIM give you a new one. He can aford to do that for you. Sheketovits was the same way. His family brought over alot of jewel’s from Poland/Russia or wherever, yet he ONLEY got me cheep earings from CVS or on the street that rusted out after 2 or 3 weareing’s. Sheketovitses Mother said he also had a trust fund (why else would I possibley stick with such a schlub), yet he always’ let ME buy the food and drink for him, and did HIS laundry when he moved into my apartement. FOOEY! If I had to do it over again, I would tell him to pay for me b/c he had alot of money, and to bring his OWN beer and wine if he insisted on drinkeing in my apartement. I also paid for all of the cleaneing when he vomited on my carpet and soiled my 1000 count Egyptiean Cotton Sheets. DOUBEL FOOEY!

      So OP, you do the same. The guy is a spoiled rich schmoe who is cheep. Make him pay, and do NOT ever do anything for him again if he doesn’t. FOOEY on men like this. And make sure he gets you a NEW Macbook Air with 256 Bites of storage and 16 bits of RAM, Dad says. Dad knows all about cheepos like him and he got mad when I told him about this. TRIPEL FOOEY!

   6. I’d let him know you are really upset because your screen is damaged and what the quote was for repair. Let him know you can’t afford it and are really bummed. Leave it there. Hanging. See what he says.

      I would not ask him to pay for it, as you did take some risk. I clean my screen with the same type of cleaner all the time, and your story surprises me as it likely surprises me. Sh1t happens, unfortunately.

      Yes, it does say a lot about him and your friendship based on how he responds. But it is also kind of a lot to ask him to pay for it. Try to look at it from both sides. Things happen.

      Are you still able to use the computer? What exactly is the damage?

      FYI – my cheapest friend is the one who has a trust fund and is staggeringly wealthy. But with $$, I have learned comes family conflict. Her family nearly fell apart fighting about $. This gave her a very unhealthy view of $/sharing $/lending $.

      I have never asked anyone to borrow any significant amount of money. Ever. But once in college my trust fund friend asked me to write her a check at McDonald’s to pay for a small fries, because I didn’t have any cash. A check. For 69 cents. Standing in line at McDonald’s. I laughed because I thought she was kidding. She was not kidding.

2. At first glance, I thought this skirt was made of really shiny fabric and the print was light reflecting… Anyone else??

   1. Yup.

      1. Me too. I was thinking “gosh that’s awfully shiny to be work appropriate.” And when I don’t see shiny, I see “spilled paint or whiteout on myself on accident.” Maybe it looks better in real life, but it’s odd to me on a skirt.

         1. +1 I thought it looked like something had been spilled on it

   2. Totally. I still thought it was until I read your comment and clicked through to see the other pictures.

      1. +1

      2. +2

   3. Me too. I also don’t understand how it’s reversible — NM pictures are unhelpful. If “reversible” means you can rotate it (as opposed to turn it inside out for a plain gray skirt), I can’t imagine that faux-reflection look would play well in the rear…

      1. Kat, I think it is AVANT GUARDE, so that you can wear it inside out if you get a stain on it. Many peeople go to parties and men spill wine and beer all over the place and offer to give you their pant’s to wear or a robe, so rather then just say NO and walk around with a stain on your pencil skirt, you turn it inside out. Men will NOT like it but FOOEY on them!

   4. Me too. Then at second look, I also think the print looks like something spilled on it.

3. Has anyone here ever bought a house without a broker representing them? My husband and I want to make an offer on a house but the seller’s broker will not work with our broker (i.e., won’t split commission). It’s partly my fault as I didn’t make it clear at the open house that we were represented, but it seems unethical, to say the least. Seller’s broker seems like she won’t even take our offer to the owner if we push for our broker to get paid. Admittedly, our broker didn’t find the house for us, but she has worked hard for us this far. She says she will continue to work with us without the commission, but it doesn’t seem fair at all. anyone have experience with something like this?

   1. Different story, but possibly helpful. We listed our house with a broker we knew personally and really liked, but ended up selling to a friend who had seen the house before the listing. However, the broker had done a lot of legwork (listing, open house etc), and we felt that it was the listing that finally motivated our friends to make an offer. Even though the broker wasn’t entitled to a commission, we paid her several thousand dollars (around 1%) to thank her for her work. Still less than a real commission would have been, and we felt she deserved it.

      If she is willing to work with you without a commission, you might make it worth her while by giving her a really nice gift (not necessarily cash or an amount comparable to her share of the commission). And make sure to tell everyone you know about your wonderful experience with her – word of mouth recommendations mean a lot in her business.

   2. Aren’t brokers obligated to take all offers to their clients? This just seems super shady… And it’s a harbinger of a really, really difficult transaction, I think.

      1. This.

      2. This. So Much This. Avoid at all costs unless you really love this place.

         You could think about getting your broker to help you write up an offer and put in the offer that the price is XYZ because you have deducted X thousand as the commission for your broker and that the owners will end up with the same amount of cash in hand as if their broker had played nicely.

         I would only do this if you really, really, really want this particular house. If the broker refuses to take the offer to the owners, I would complain to the professional association – and possibly send the owners a letter via registered mail to let them know that their agent is being shady.

      3. Brokers must disclose all offers.

      4. This is shady. Did you only see the house at the open house? Can you go back with your agent and then write your offer? Your state licensing board may have some information about what agents are obligated to present to their clients.

         1. I saw the house at an open house. Then my husband saw it the next day withjust the seller’s broker bc our broker wasn’t available that day.

            1. I kinda see her point. Did your husband disclose that you were working with a broker when he went to see the house alone?

            2. I didn’t write our brokers name down on the sign in sheet at the open house bc I was lazy/super jetlagged, and I didn’t know it made such a difference. Seller’s agent asked where we’d found the open house and I answered truthfully that we’d seen it online. But then I also mentioned in conversation several times that we had a broker and she had shown us houses in the area.
               Husband definitely said we had a broker and that’s when seller’s broker said there would be no split.

            3. This should still be split. We found our house online ourselves but then our broker put in the offer and negotiated the price — finding the listing is not the sine qua non of being a buyer’s agent.

         2. Try contacting the selling broker’s boss (e.g. the actual owner of the agency) directly unless the selling broker is a one-person brokerage.

      5. I think seller’s broker might take the offer to owner but say something negative about us as buyers.

         1. That’s a real risk, but it is with any offer you make. A seller’s broker absolutely could steer the buyer to their friends’s client to make sure her friend or her firm get’s the benefit of the buyer’s commission, just as an example. But, she at a minimum has to present your offer to the seller.

            I’m not sure if your husband disclosed he was working with a broker – that makes this a whole lot more gray. But, I would also think that given how she’s behaved thus far you would WANT that extra layer of insulation between her and you as you move through the buying process. Think about how she may/may not behave on price adjustments, and other requests that are made between now and closing.

            1. Just saw comment above – yea, there’s no gray area. She’s being unethical. Good luck – it’s hard to walk away from a house, but there will absolutely be others (as someone who made TEN offers before getting one accepted). If you choose to not walk away, definitely lean on your broker re: how to proceed.

      6. Based on the state where I worked RE, if the MLS shows the split, the selling broker can’t refuse to pay the buyer’s agent/brokerage a commission, especially if you didn’t sign anything saying you were unrepresented and the seller’s agent didn’t have you sign anything saying they were representing you (and the corresponding disclosure statements). If the MLS shows 3% to buyer agent, if there is no buyer agent, the seller’s agent doesn’t get the full 6%. At least not in any representation agreement I have ever been a part of. The seller agreed to pay a 6% commission and then the brokerage sets the split. The split then goes in the MLS and if you have that, unless otherwise agreed to between the brokers/agents, the buyer’s agent gets the 3%.

         This whole thing is crazy shady and I would run away from the house as I would bet money this will be a very difficult transaction.

         1. I’ve seen places do something shady with the sign in sheet fine print at Open Houses which basically said “unless you sign in here with your broker’s name, you are agreeing to be represented by [Our Company] with regards to this property”

            I think the seller’s broker is hella shady, but for your future reference if your broker isn’t available to show you the property she should have made the arrangements with the seller’s broker – not you or husband, or you should have waited until your broker was available. If seller’s broker is the one that showed you the property (twice) it does seem like you are showing up with your own broker after the fact.

            1. Good to know, though in my broker’s defense (and just to complicate things even more), she tried to get us a showing a few weeks ago, but the seller didn’t want to show until after the holidays. At that point, she dealt with a different broker at the same agency than the one who held the open house. Sigh.

            2. Your broker/agent should have educated you on this honestly and it’s one of the many reasons agents hate the many online sites where you can find houses on your own. The seller’s agent should not have offered to show you the house if you had said you were represented, but if you didn’t, well that’s a minor problem, but still not one that should render your agent without a commission. Although, the seller’s agent should have also made SURE that you weren’t represented before showing you the house and then should have made all of the appropriate disclosures and, to be safe, had you sign a document saying you were unrepresented and what that means. Your agent or your agent’s broker should reach out to the listing agent’s broker and explain the situation and get the commission issue ironed out. You should not be negotiating this.

   3. In my state, the seller’s refusal to take an offer to their client would be unethical and grounds for complaint to the Real Estate Commission. I would have your broker submit the offer with the commission split directly to the broker’s office or to her superior. In the alternative, I would submit the offer 3% lower (assuming a 6% commission split) with a cover letter to the sellers explaining the scenario so they can take it up with their broker directly.
      I have done both, and while it didn’t make me new friends with seller’s brokers, it got the point across that I knew what they were doing was unethical and called their bluff on whether they were going to be self-serving rather than representing their client’s interests.
      If you don’t want to push the envelope, you can definitely submit an offer without your broker’s information on it. The downside to not having a broker as a first time buyer is that you don’t have anyone walking you through all of the steps of closing, working with the title company, getting insurance or financing, nor do you get the benefit of their advice during the negotiations. If you have others that can help you through the process, you can get by without your own broker.

   4. This seems incredibly shady, and it’s likely to only get shadier and more complicated from here. Think about whether this broker (and the sellers who may be directing her to do this) are people you want to do a business deal with.

      1. This seems like a tactic to me. Who has communicated with this broker so far, once you decided you were interested? You? Your broker?
         A friend of mine had a similar situation and it was solved by him calling broker and saying that he wanted to make an offer but he was working with a broker, there was clearly a miscommunication but it was non negotiable that she be included in the deal. The listing broker wasnt happy but ultimately she had to relay the offer and the seller ended up accepting the offer. The deal still fell apart because there were some undisclosed issues with the property (so agree that this could be a potential red flag) but it’s not a lost cause. Also – just a thought – unless you’re in a very competitive market, it’s not likely this broker would ultimately sink a deal bc she doesn’t want to split a commission unless she has other offers in place without a cobroke, in which case you could be looking at a bidding war and you should decide if that’s something you want to deal with. Time is money for brokers since they are working without a commission and the longer a property sits on the market the less valuable it becomes and the less time the broker has to devote to other opprtunities, and, more importantly, most buyers will have a broker anyway so there will be a commission split in most cases anyway so it makes no sense to stick to one’s guns on this one even if you should have just put down your broker’s name. If you really like the place, just be firm and fall on your sword just to say ‘misunderstanding’. Alternatively you could pay your broker’s commission (making a lower offer than you would to offset or not) but I would just stick to my guns on this.

         1. Unfortunately, we are in an extremely competitive market, and there is an existing offer, which we plan to outbid. Seller’s broker all but assured us that if we came in at a certain number, we’d get it. I don’t know if the existing offer has a buyer broker, though.

            1. Sellers broker is encouraging you to over bid on the current offer, AND cutting your broker out?

               Nope, nope, nope. This is not going to end well. I suspect scam, where the sellers broker is trying to start a bidding war. Or trying to get you to outbid (where sellers broker gets to keep 6%) instead of the deal going to N outside broker where seller’s broker gets 3% and buyers gets 3%.

               Don’t communicate directly with the sellers broker. Period. That’s what your broker is for. Tell her to call your broker. And if your broker can’t/won’t do this – get a new broker.

               And for the love of all things holy, if you insist on pursuing this property, make it contingent on a home inspection – because this whole thing seems shady as hell and I think you should just run.

            2. I don’t think it’s a scam; my own broker tells me that refusing to work with the buyer broker is a common practice in the neighborhood we are looking at, bc the brokers there don’t belong to an association that regulates such things. So maybe more accurately, it is a scam, but a widespread and generally accepted one there. Seller’s broker didn’t pursue us, we decided independently that we could swing a higher bid (still under asking price) once we asked about the existing offer. Anyway, I agree it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but the inspection contingency is in place and they’ve agreed to a referral fee for our broker, who told us flat out that she could fight them for us or we could go forward with her unofficial help.
               Man. Real estate is not my game. Anxiety all over the place.

4. I just ordered a blazer and a shirt from Aritzia, a new-to-me company that I decided to try out. Can anyone comment on the general quality of items there? I desperately need to upgrade my wardrobe (think ill-fitting T-shirts from Target as the basis of my work outfits) and I’d really like to only buy quality items that last more than a few years. TIA!

   1. Very good quality. The company is new to America but has been a co known for on-trend quality clothes (think intermix with more in house). Sizing is a little on the small compared to Jcrew and UO.

   2. They’re Canadian, and have been around for a while. For the cheap items, I find them overpriced for the quality, but the higher priced items are 100% very good quality. They are one of my “go-to” shops.

      If it’s the same t-shirt that I bought there recently, it’s amazing, the white isn’t sheer, and the gray one is perfect shade, and they fit well, and I’ve washed them twice (on delicate, and hang to dry), and no problems. I bought like 5 more of them, actually, because I love them so much, and aritzia does tend to cycle out clothing, I’ll see if I can find the link

      1. A link would be great, thank you!

   3. The quality used to be better but still is a huge step up from Target I think! I like the silk blouses from there. I don’t agree sizing is on the small size with respect to tops – I’m usually an XS or a S and most of my Aritzia blouses are XXS.

   4. Overall, quality is quite good (in line with regular price, in my view, although you may be benefiting from the exchange right now) but I find sizing to be smaller through the shoulders/arms and hips (like Zara). I like the slim arms but don’t like the slim hips (as a J. Crew 8, I need a large in long coats there so they will button at the bottom, but then the top is huge).

5. Brought to you by a coworker’s daughter’s cookie sign-up sheet in the kitchen ;)

   I’m a former Girl Scout and wholeheartedly support their mission, but do Girl Scout cookies not taste good anymore to anyone else? My childhood favorites now taste like I’m eating preservatives, wax, and Sweet n Low. Thin Mints aren’t even as exciting as they once were. Is this just my tastes changing with age, or if this is true for you as well, do you think it’s a statement on American tastes, similar to what’s happening to McDonald’s, that artificial food is decreasing in popularity?

   1. I find them to be exactly as delicious as ever (incredibly delicious).

   2. I don’t think they ever tasted good. You don’t buy them for the taste, you buy them to show support for your co-worker or friend or kid.

   3. sigh….

   4. It is your tastes changing with age and foodie pretentiousness. And I don’t see any evidence that they are losing popularity.

   5. I think it’s a combo of improving tastes and more cookies similar to girl scout cookies being available now. They have also gotten more expensive with less cookies per box, so it wouldn’t surprise me to hear that the ingredients are lower quality.

      However, apparently there is more than one factory that makes Girl Scout Cookies and there are differences between the ones available in New England vs the west coast – I’ll see if I can find a link to the story.

      1. I thought the only difference was the names?

         1. http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-girl-scout-cookies-differences-20150303-story.html

            They use two different bakers, and it’s a little random (on the surface, at least) who gets cookies from what baker. It’s not a strictly coastal divide, and both bakers are on the eastern half of the country. As one example, Dallas gets them from one baker, and Fort Worth (less than an hour away, and all part of the same metroplex as Dallas) gets them from the other.

            1. +1

               Little Brownie Bakers cookies are the ones I grew up with and thus the one true Girl Scout cookie. I tasted an ABC thin mint once – blech!

   6. I don’t love them as much as I used to, but I have also lost my taste for a lot of childhood sugary treats! Oh, how I used to delight in Hostess cupcakes, Reese’s, chocolate pudding cups, Skittles… now they all just taste like a sugar rush.

      That said, I have received a box here and there that tastes actually stale, like maybe the seller was unloading last year’s leftovers?? But that wouldn’t be a cookie problem.

   7. They changed the Thin Mints recipe a few years ago (to eliminate trans fat I think) and they are definitely no longer as good as they once were! I still enjoy them but it’s not the same.

      1. It’s this. I am certain of it. The year they changed the recipe, Thin Mints were dead to me, although I still will buy a few boxes from my friends’ kids.

   8. Probably taste changing. I ate some child-friendly foods lately and NONE of them tasted the same/good to me.

   9. I think it’s you changing with age. I don’t think they were ever wonderful, they’re like any other type of processed Keebler Elf-type cookies you buy in the grocery store. They’ll do and they’re definitely sweet, but nobody is ever going to wander around raving about the quality or taste other than people who grew up loving them.

6. My office is deathly quiet. Law library quiet. If you go speak to someone at their desk, you whisper.

   A new employee has started in the cubicle beside mine and has the sound on her computer turned on, such that I hear her email bing every time she receives a new message. I’m finding it incredibly distracting. She’s gone this week and I’m noticing I’m so much more productive without looking up every couple minutes to answer an email that’s not mine. Would I be a bad (er, more likely, crazy) cubicle neighbor if I asked her to please turn her sound off? Admittedly her volume is turned down low, but in an environment like this, it’s still noticeable.

   1. No that’s a totally fine thing to ask. Also totally fine if she says that no, she likes the bing, but I don’t know anyone who likes the bing.

   2. In our area, our desktops don’t have sound cards so there’s no binging…it’s awesome. (It’s a bit of a pain that I need to plug in headphones if I need the sound for a webcast or similar…)

   3. If you don’t have your sound on, then when you hear the notification sound, you’ll know it’s not your email…If you are getting confused between her notifications and your notifications, then I don’t think it would be reasonable to ask her to turn hers off when you have yours on. Possibly you can ask her if she would mind turning the volume to a lower setting.

7. I’m feeling like a crazy bag lady. Every day to the office, I carry my laptop, lunch, purse, and gym bag. Is there an elegant way to do this? Right now, I stuff my lunch in my laptop bag and my purse in my gym bag. I still feel like a pack mule every morning. Tips?

   1. I do this. I call it “mobile hoarding” and I try really hard to bring as much as I can to work on Monday and home on Friday (like, lunches) to carry less during the week. Do you have to bring your laptop back and forth? Can you get one bag that fits your laptop, purse stuff, and lunch? Can you leave gym stuff in a locker?

      1. We are required to take our laptops home every night. I don’t know what it says about this workplace/my coworkers that the company believes client data is safer on public transportation and in employees’ homes than in a secured building with three layers of key card access.

         Leaving my sneakers at the gym would work, but I’d still need fresh clothes every day…

         Maybe if I got one giant laptop bag, I could fit everything.

         Has anyone tried just carrying a wallet and not a purse? I’m afraid I’d miss too much stuff.

         1. Do you go to the gym on weekends? Could you take a few days worth of clean gym clothes then?

         2. Get a giant handbag with space in for your laptop.

            I’m not sure if I’m having terminology issues – I used to use a big purse/wallet (Mulberry Continental Wallet type size, for clarity) and have gone down to one that’s much smaller (Cath Kidston Travel Purse – the kind without the keyring) and a separate coin purse for overflow cards. I need to upgrade the latter two to properly nice ones now I know the set up works for me.

         3. My purse contents are limited to wallet, phone, keys, gum, eyedrops, lipstick. All of this fits in my laptop bag (I have a wallet that holds my phone when I step out for lunch). Anything else I might need I keep a duplicate at my desk.

         4. I carry a clutch that’s just big enough to fit my wallet, phone, and work ID when I go out to lunch or a networking event. The clutch easily slips in the side of my bag. What stuff do you think you’d miss? I used to carry a huge purse and it was a struggle to let go, but it feels so freeing to not have a big bag weighing me down.

         5. And +1 to being required to take your laptop home every day being stupid. Would anyone know/care if you locked it in a file cabinet instead every night? Could you talk to your boss about that “hey boss, on nights I go to the gym I don’t like leaving it in the gym lockers and I don’t use it at home anyway those nights. Could we install a better lock in my file cabinets so I can lock it there at night instead?”

            1. I’m a boss who has to enforce the take your laptop home policy. I suggest you think about things like disaster preparedness and business continuity before you declare the idea stupid.

         6. I use the LV neverfull for everything, and rarely need to carry more than it, though it sometimes gets pretty heavy.

            I use it is a purse, but it also transports my lunch and laptop every day. I don’t carry gym clothes, but I often have clothing returns or other cr@p I cart around. This bag is literally never full and its the best purchase I’ve made. I also thought I would HATE the lack of z zipper top, but I don’t at all.

      2. And duplicates of what you can at your desk and/or gym locker if you can have one. No need to carry a hairbrush back and forth in your work purse if you have one at your desk. Same with gum, lipstick, etc.

         For a while at one of my jobs I was going to the grocery store on my Monday lunch break and buying a week’s worth of lunch/lunch ingredients. This works if you have the fridge/freezer/drawer space for it.

         I’ve also learned the amount of stuff I carry will expand to the size of the bag I am carrying, so forcing myself down to a much smaller purse makes a big difference. But I live in car commuter area where I can keep spare water bottles, umbrellas, hairbrushes, gym clothes, etc there – so I know that it is different when you have to physically carry around anything you want all day.

   2. Gym bag, with a tiny clutch for purse needs inside it, lunch in a side compartment, and laptop in a sleeve. One bag.

   3. I use a big bag that fits my laptop inside it and put my lunch either in that or in my gym bag. It helps that I’ve got the smallest/most streamlined lunch containers I could find.

   4. I’d start using a nicely sized tote to carry Laptop, Purse stuff (maybe in a small clutch to keep it organized) and Lunch Bag. I hate official “laptop bags” as they’re typically ill designed to carry anything other than the computer.

      1. +1. I also think they’re terrible from a safety point of view “Look at me, I’m carrying an expensive piece of technology in this easy to grab bag”

   5. Get one big bag or a laptop? Isn’t the OG supposed to fit all of that in one bag?

8. I could use some bag help. I’ve been looking for a new basic work bag for a long time and nothing is catching my fancy. The non-negotiables are:

   1) Big enough to carry normal day-to-day stuff plus a lunch plus, maybe, a extra sweater. I don’t need it to carry a laptop or files or gym clothes (I have a Lo and Sons OG I use for that stuff when it comes up).

   2) Open at the top or, at least, looks okay when it’s not zipper up or latched.

   3) Straps long enough I can easily swing it over my shoulder, even when wearing a coat.

   I was thinking black or black/camel and I was thinking leather, but I’m flexible on those even. Price-wise, I was looking to keep it under $250 but could go higher if it was perfect.

   Anyone have a bag they love that meets those specs?

   1. Furla on sale (Macy’s, Neiman’s Last Call, etc)

   2. this is higher than your price point, but if you can swing it, the LV neverfull is amazing and fits all your requirements. it sounds biggest one, so that would bring the cost down a bit.

      1. or the Michael Kors version (jet set tote), which is leather and in your price range. I have both. Also, I’m pretty sure ALL the bag makers have made their own versions so you have quite a selection to choose from.

   3. J Crew Uptown Tote? I have an older version of this bag, and it’s decent. Can hold a lot, looks professional enough, and comfortable to carry. I’d prefer a top closure and a pocket or two inside, but mine is just an open leather tote.

9. Therapy question here…

   Those that see someone- is there a need for you to click? What types of questions did you ask your therapist before jumping into sessions? I have some great recommendations but unsure what to ask them?

   I want to see someone for some personality traits that I would like to work on. so not marriage related.

   1. You need to click. You can ask them about their style or philosophy. If you have something that you think might be a deal breaker you can disclose it and see how they react. (I am no contact with an abusive family member and needed a therapist who supported that decision). But I think the best way is to give them a test drive and see if you are getting anything from a session or two in order to decide if they work for you.

   2. You definitely should ask questions- about their experience and comfort level with the personality trait, about how they would approach treatment, how they structure (or don’t structure) sessions. But as for the click, it may take longer than you expect.
      I probably spent the first 4 sessions just dumping out everything that had been weighing me down and just personal history stuff, and it took another two months to feel comfortable joking with mine. YMMV, depending on the personality traits you are working on.

   3. I clicked with the first therapist I tried, so I was very fortunate. For me, the fact that in the first 2-3 sessions I found myself trusting her enough that I could talk about my depression was the sign she would work. I think you need to jump in and see if a few sessions have you wanting to come back and keep talking.

   4. You absolutely need to click. I had one therapist who wasn’t open to questions, was just a “trust the process” kind of guy and I hated him. I a questioner. I want to know why we’re doing what we’re doing, how long it’s expected to take, where I can find more resources on the internet, all that jazz. He made me feel so frustrated that I wasn’t making progress, and often ended up crying in therapy out of sheer annoyance. He misdiagnosed me completely because we didn’t have effective communication. New therapist makes me feel like I can tell her, and ask her, anything, and I’ve made incredible improvements.

      At the first session, you can ask things about their background, if they adhere to any particular schools of thought (CBT, mindfulness, etc.), how they prefer to communicate (if you’re more comfortable talking on the phone or email or text, it’s helpful to have a therapist who will respond in your preferred medium), and generally what their experiences and expectations are for patients with similar issues to yours.

      In addition to asking questions at the first meeting, go for maybe 2-3 sessions and then just ask yourself after each one “do I feel better? Am I comfortable with this person? Did I feel they responded well to what I need?” If you feel any discomfort, even that nagging in the back of your head “it’s not the greatest but it’s not worth the hassle to find someone new,” it’s ok to keep looking.

      1. As a therapist for decades, I appreciate the need to “click” and have patients be active participants, so all these initial questions are those I delight in answering. It’s a collaborative process, so the “click” or at least, mutual respect are needed. Of course, that’s coming from a cognitive/behavioral outlook. Good luck!

         1. Any guidance on what some good first getting to know the therapist questions are? I know it’s going to depend, but I kind of skipped over this and jumped in with my current therapist — but now I feel like I need to build trust more even though I’m comfortable there … maybe going back and, you know, actually asking him about his career or something might help? What seem to be the most helpful questions for people to ask you in terms of increasing their comfort level?

   5. Thanks and great advice.

   6. Give it some time to see if it helps you. I didn’t “click” with a therapist I saw for ~15 sessions last year, but it still helped me immensely. I think this was partially because I’m a very private person and it felt uncomfortable to talk through a lot of the issues we worked on – I’m guessing I would have had a hard time feeling comfortable with anyone. Still, we accomplished what we needed to and I thought she handled our sessions well. I’d go back to her if I felt a need for additional sessions but there wasn’t really a “click”.

10. I have a great aunt who just got re-married (they are both windowed) in the last week or so. It was a very small, quiet affair so I wasn’t invited to the wedding.

    I would still like to send a congratulatory card but was wondering if a token gift, like a nice box of local candy, would be weird. I know that she has started downsizing in the last few years (moved to a smaller condo, sold a few of the vacation homes, etc.) so I’m thinking anything non-consumable is out. She doesn’t drink alcohol.

    What does the hive think? Card only? Card and candy? Something else entirely?

    1. Card and candy sounds awesome.

    2. The idea of Edna Mazur having a great aunt makes me giggle. :)

       I’d do candy or flowers, or maybe a gift card to a nice local restaurant.

       1. I didn’t know if anyone would get the reference :)

          1. I totally got it! Those books are very entertaining.

          2. The name makes me smile every time I see it.

    3. A thoughtful acknowledgement of any life event is always appropriate and nice and very rarely crosses into ‘weird’ territory.. I think a box of candy and a card or some other consumable would be lovely and much appreciated.

    4. I’d send a card and flowers. Who doesn’t love flowers (they don’t accumulate like “stuff”), and I think it’s really nice to mark a special occasion like getting married with a bit more than a card, even if there’s no wedding. Not an obligation by any means, but a really nice thing to do that sounds appropriate given how you describe the relationship.

11. Thanks to the person who posted the Dagne Dover review last week. I pulled the trigger on the midnight blue mini tote (although it does not seem mini to me!) on final sale and look forward to receiving it. I wear lots of black and blue so I hope the color works for me.

    1. Love! Mine is on my desk right now. The mini I think is a good size for a normal tote that you don’t want to use as an “also laptop” bag. Hope you love it!

       1. Thanks! What color did you get?

12. I need to add 2-3 nondescript, neutral (navy?, black?, charcoal?) sheath dresses to my wardrobe. Currently a pear, size 12/14 in AT and BR. I want something of better quality than that. I am in love with a Brooks Bros wool dress, in terms of quality and it’s very basic style. They don’t have anything in their current collection that fits the bill..

    Suggestions on what brands to look at? Budget could be as high as around $250/dress and I’m happy to order a size up and have it tailored to me.

    1. I love love love Lands End ponte sheath dresses. To me, they are perfect.

    2. Look for Boss on sale. I’m a pear and it is the best brand I’ve found to fit my larger bottom half–I still have to get most dresses altered, but it’s not as extensive. With other brands, I’d have the tailor cursing me because they’d have to take out so much on top in the size I needed for my bottom half. Full price sheaths will be around $450-500 but they are often marked down to 40-60% off, and you can sometimes also layer a Bloomingdale’s 20-25% off code (or get Nordstrom to match it).

       1. Where do you buy them, apart from Bloomingdale’s and Nordstrom? Happy to purchase from either place, but just curious of the 40-60% off sales are in reference to purchasing from Boss directly. Thanks for the insight!

          1. I usually get them from Bloomingdale’s, Nordstrom, or Saks. I should be checking Boss directly too, but I haven’t so far so not sure if they also mark them down to that level.

       2. +1 to Boss on sale, sounds exactly right for your criteria. Bloomingdales and Nordstrom are your best bets.

       3. Looks like Nordstrom has a couple on sale in your price range:

          http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/dutali-dress/4122907?origin=keywordsearch

          http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/dileo-short-dress/4156632?origin=keywordsearch

    3. The Elie Tahari Gwenyth dress might be what you’re looking for. Also, Theory and Lafayette 148 New York both have basic wool & wool-blend sheath dresses. Classiques Entier from Nordstrom has some nice tailored sheaths, but not likely to be wool.

       1. 2nd on the recommendation for Classiques Entier. Watch for the sales.

    4. T Tahari’s Cali sheath dress is my holy grail of sheath dresses. I’m an hourglass/pear shape and they accommodate my hips and bottom half perfectly (which is normally an issue for me in sheath dresses). Bloomie’s currently has it for $118. Note that they run slightly big; I wear a 2 in these when I’m normally more of a 4.

       1. The exposed zipper kills me, though! I’ll try it and hope that I love it some much that I can ignore that detail.. thanks for the recommendation :)

    5. I think The Limited’s Collection suiting is a step up in quality from AT and BR (in general I think the three stores are comparable and I have had quality issues with Limited sweaters and blouses, but the suits are very good). The Collection sheath dress is comfortable, attractive and the several I have have held up very well. It’s a fairly deep V back so you’ll probably need a sweater or blazer, but that’s not an issue for me since I’m always cold.
       http://www.thelimited.com/product/collection-v-back-sheath-dress/3351882.html

    6. Hugo boss, on discount at saks.

13. I’m looking for anecdata on BC. I started taking BC two months ago. I was looking forward to some alleviation for my cramps each month, but for the first two cycles, my cramps have been as severe as before.

    Has this happened to anyone else? Does it take more than two months to get the full benefit?

    I’m thinking of waiting another month or two to see how it goes, and then talking to my doctor if they’re still really bad. I’m just looking to find out about some other people’s experiences.

    1. My cramps disappeared pretty much immediately when I went on BC, but of course it’s anecdata. There are many forms of BC though, so you may just not have found the right one.

    2. Are you taking it at the same time each day? Your don’t have to to prevent pregnancy (just once a day at any time is fine if you’re taking a normal combination pill), but for menstrual cycle relief it’s incredibly important. If you’re already taking it at the same time each day, as BB said, you may just not have yet found the right pill/other BC form for you.

    3. I used to have pretty awful cramps and they disappeared 90% when I went on the pill 15 years ago. I still get achy, but it’s nothing that *one* Tylenol can’t handle. I went off the pill in 2013 and was like, “whoa, yeah, had forgotten how bad these were.” Went back on and that month they were negligible like usual.

       FWIW, I take a low dose pill.

    4. Eliminate the period, eliminate the cramps – you could take it continuously, skipping the placebos and starting a new pack. There are BC pills designed to be taken this way – Yaz, Seasonale, Amethyst – but you can do it with any monocyclic BCP.

       1. Talk to your doctor before doing this — IIRC Yaz has a higher than average risk of blood clots for combination pills. You can also eliminate your period with progesterone-only options that don’t have the same blood clot risk.

       2. +1. Not all BC worked on my cramps. Seasonale (the one meant to give you only 4 per year) was the best by far.

    5. Talk to your doctor now. They can tell you if you should try one more month or move on. FWIW, I started on a lo-e pill but that wasn’t enough for my issues and wound up on something a little stronger that is fantastic. Don’t suffer when you don’t have to.

    6. Two months is enough to see a change. Call your doctor now and ask to switch from mono to multi-phasic (or vice versa). FWIW, I used to have terrible cramps and once I was put on ortho tri-cyclen as a teenager they went away and everything was perfect. Later in my 20’s I needed a monophasic (Aviane, whatever that is generic for) for other reasons, and then later in my 30’s I went back on a triphasic pill, which worked best for me again. It’s just a matter of finding the right hormone dosage for your body right now – there are many pill options and there is no need to wait to try a new one Your doctor will be used to it and will switch you to a different type when you ask.

    7. It varies so much. I was on BCP for 17 years and the pill completely eliminated my awful cramps. After a 10 year break, I went back on and the pill actually made my cramps much worse. I tried 2 options but no dice.

14. I’m happy to cross post this question in the Moms section, but I’m hoping for insight from parents of older kids as well.

    My daughter is a sensitive, shy little 3 year old, who seems to blossom when she interacts with friends. However, she struggles (as did I) with actually making friends. Currently, we have her enrolled in one of the top Montessori programs in our area. It is a well established school with a strong reputation. However, it has big classrooms – 24 kids and 2 educators in her mixed-age room. As my daughter transitioned to this class this fall (last year, the class had 8 kids and 2 teachers), I think she is struggling socially. That is, she hasn’t really made other friends in the class. She has extremely strong concentration for her age, so her teachers think she’s thriving. They see a kid who focuses on her “work,” and isn’t easily distracted by other kids in the class, which are big factors in the Montessori classroom. I see a kid who seems to be retreating into herself, and her favorite parts of the day seem to be on the playground, when she interacts with her favorite friend from last year’s class (who is in a different class). Last year, she used to literally dance into her smaller classroom/loved teachers and friends. She rarely talks about her teachers or other kids in her class – just the one friend from the playground.

    I am considering moving her to another preschool . It’s play based but doesn’t have a very set curriculum (like, not Montessori or Waldorf or whatever). The focus is strongly on social and emotional growth – lots of focus on interaction between the kids, and the ratio is 3 educators and 14 kids. One of her very close neighborhood friends attends this school, so she would start with a buddy in the classroom.

    I loved the Montessori school for her last year, and spent a lot of time picking the school. I feel emotionally invested in the school (love the administrators, lots of volunteer hours), and had anticipated she would go there until K or possibly even stay through elementary school, so I’m having a hard time walking away from the school. My daughter also doesn’t do super well with change. I’m a little worried that I’m overreacting, and having a hard time deciding whether upheaval is worth it. However, I am intrigued by a school that focuses on social stuff, which took me a long time to learn as a kid (also a little worried I’m projecting my own tough time socially in elementary school on my kid!).

    Assume the schools are relatively the same in terms of cost/commute, would you consider moving your child? What other facotrs should I consider that I’m overlooking?

    1. Is there any option to balance both though part time programs? like MWF at play based and TTH at Montessori?

       1. That would be a great solution, but unfortunately, both are full time without part-time options.

    2. How does she do with playdates outside of school? Can you set up some with a classmate to promote some new friendships in her class?

       1. That was suggested by one of the teachers when I brought this to her attention. I am friendly with one of the moms of another 3 year old, and we have gotten the two together for play dates. They play well together, but the other little girl is very, very social. So I think she gravitates more naturally to some of the more out-going kids in the classroom. That is, the friendship hasn’t translated into the classroom. This little girl was in her class last year as well, so we’ve been getting the girls together for over a year now without a ton of luck.

          I definitely could branch out to some of the other kids, but admittedly, I don’t have a ton of room for play-dates in my schedule (husband and I both work, and we have another child at home, etc.)

    3. I would go with the more social school, BUT would try to talk to the Montessori teachers again about her social development first.

    4. I wouldn’t switch schools, but I would work with your daughter (in a low pressure way) so she feels confident with other kids. When my sister and I were little, we were in the same day care class for a while and apparently I was the one who would approach other kids to make friends for both of us. When we were separated, she had trouble making friends on her own. My dad role played with her with kiddie versions of conversation ice breakers to get her used to socializing actively with kids her own age. I wouldn’t be surprised if some Daniel Tiger could also teach these lessons.

       1. Love DT! He’s taught us many, many skills! Role playing is a great idea – I’ve tried it after the instances where I see her struggling. Unfortunately, she doesn’t often volunteer information to me about her day, and her language skills are still developing.

       2. This! These are skills that play therapy develops so well. If you can’t make progress, consider some sessions with a child developmentalist or play therapist. Both should be willing to provide you with a “Home Program” of sorts. You might also look at the “Your Child At Play” and the “Your 3 Year Old” (Gessell Institute) series of books for ideas on developmentally appropriate play activities. I t’s often hard for a child with an action- and accomplishment-oriented worldview and/or an introvert to grab up these peer play skills.

          1. But – wouldn’t a different school teach the peer play skills without the need for therapy? Curious why you would suggest therapy and Montessori over a change in schools.

    5. How long has she been in the new class? It might take a while for her to warm up and adjust, and especially now while she is the youngest in the class.

       Our daycare/preschool makes a point of moving kids together in pairs so they have a buddy to go through the transition with. Could you ask when/if any of her younger classmates will be moving up? Alternately, could you arrange some play dates with kids in her current class so she can make some new friends?

       Not to freak you out, because it’s highly unlikely. But my son has always been somewhat withdrawn, never learns other kids names at summer camp, likes to work quietly independently. We always thought it was just the introvert in him (because I am a super introvert) – and that may have been partially it. However, when he went to his screening for kindergarten we found out he has severe hearing loss in one ear – so all those times we thought he was super focused on playing Legos by himself it turns out he honestly wasn’t hearing when other kids were asking him to play, and when the classroom got overly noise he basically just turned it all out into a blur of noise and couldn’t differentiate someone directly talking to him unless they first tapped him on the shoulder.

       I think you need to give this some time, but I also think a 3 kids to 14 adults, play based preschool sounds pretty awesome for an introverted kid, over 2 kids to 24 adults.

       And oops, I just read that she transitioned this fall, so it’s already been a couple of months. Is the friend she plays on the playground with the same age? Is there any way the school might consider putting the 2 of them together in one classroom?

       1. I will definitely flag the hearing thought – I’m so glad you were able to catch it for your child!

          The other mom and I have discussed approaching the school to put the girls together, but they wouldn’t transition the kids until next Fall, at the very earliest. I think it would be a good solution if we stay at the school. I guess I still worry about whether she’s developing the social skills she needs – I want her to be able to do well in group settings, and making sure she’s with her one friend doesn’t help her learn how to interact. in new groups.

          1. But maybe she doesn’t need to learn that at 3? She has her whole life to learn to toughen up and interact with different social groups, or maybe in the next year or few years you could try a Saturday dance/art/music/gynmastics class for her to work on doing well in groups where she doesn’t know anyone.

             Or maybe she just really really likes sitting quietly by herself doing work, because she’s the kind of kid who thrives on praise from the teacher, and maybe this will be a better fit for her when she’s one of the middle/oldest kids in the mixed age group instead of the youngest.

             1. Therein lies my greatest fear in moving – the teachers think she’s happy to work independently! I’m worried she is not. To be clear, I’m not looking to toughen her up by putting her in a group setting. I see a little girl who lights up when she is included with a group or by a friend, but one who doesn’t know how to approach the group or a friend to include herself. Yes, she does love to work on letters or with paint, but she really loves being silly with her close friends. I’m hopeful that she’ll simply be happier in a school where the norm is playing together as a group (the example would be everyone works together to create a rocket ship, or whatever), and in the process, she’ll learn how to navigate that dynamic without it being constructed for her. It’s a dynamic that I had to learn.

                But, in moving her, I risk taking her out of a setting where she has shown great capability in sitting and focusing for long periods of time. Which is a slo a great and necessary skill. But at 3, I mostly want her to be happy – I’m trying to guess what would accomplish that.

             2. My kid is 2, so this may change when she turns 3, but I actually had little/no expectations for my kid to make Real Friends. I mean…mine like to play with others but could give or take based onthe weather which one of her 8 classmates she plays with. She’s OK reading a book to herself, and happy to dance/play together.

                Is this a developmental milestone of some kind? if not…I’d not worry as much until later on in the year/next year if the teachers aren’t worried about it.

             3. When she does get invited to join in play by her peers, how does she react? that may be the deciding factor.

                I would speak to the directors at the Montessori school about your concerns, but I would keep in mind that developmentally speaking 3 year olds conceive “friendship” as being friends with the entire class, and it seems like her personality is developing independence and that is a good thing. you should expect to see more of a focus on individual friends by kindergarten.

                – school psychologist grad student

    6. FWIW, I went to a Montessori elementary school with those big, multi-age classrooms. There is a lot that is great about Montessori, but I do think that environment is challenging for kids that may need to be drawn out a bit in order to engage socially. Given what you’ve said, I think that it probably would make sense to move her to a school that is going to focus on that aspect of her development.

       1. Thanks, my husband was a Montessori kid as well. He has super fond memories of the big classrooms, but he’s also a social butterfly! He’ll be best friends with the guy in front of him by the time he checks out at Target.

    7. So, we had a very similar problem with a top Montessori school in our area. My 3 year old is super smart (I know we all think that), social, and just has a heart of gold. But he didn’t have any friends in his classroom and didn’t seem to like going each day. Then he told me that the older kids in his class were picking on him and making fun of him. I talked to his teachers and the director about it – they said all the right things, but it didn’t seem to get any better.

       We moved this summer and he’s been in a “play” type daycare (basically, non-Montessori, although they have homework and learning every day) and he has completely blossomed. He has his “best friends” that he talks about and he tells me each day how happy he is at school. And because he’s so much happier, he’s learning more. So, this may not give you an answer, but changing daycares worked wonderfully for us.

       1. That is helpful, thanks. That seems to describe my daughter as well. Same thing – sensitive and she takes rejection very seriously. I’ve gone with her to a few parties of classmates, and she just seems to play on the outside. It seems to really hurt her feelings (but she won’t discuss it with me – just is really quiet and doesn’t want to talk about it if I ask her how she felt, etc.). The teachers “just don’t see what I see,” as far as being not being friendly with other kids in the classroom. Possibly b/c she’s not fighting with other kids? Again, though, the focus in the big classrooms is child-led learning, and I think she excels at that – so her inability to interact with the other kids just isn’t on the radar of the teachers. Also, social isn’t the focus on Montessori.

          I’m so glad the play based is working well for your son – sounds like it was a great switch!

       2. Follow-up questions for you – did your son struggle at all with the transition initially? Or express a desire to go back to the Montessori program? Also, did you pick the play based center for any particular reason?

          1. He didn’t struggle with the transition and within the first week was telling me how much he loved his “new school.” We actually wanted to send him to a more Montessori-like daycare/preschool instead of his current place, but they didn’t have any openings when we needed to make the switch (I also have a 2-year old son, so it was an all-or-nothing switch). So, we ended up picking our current place because it’s less than a mile from our house and it was the cleanest with the longest tenured teachers.

             I admit that I started a bit apprehensively with the switch. The old Montessori school was only a year old, with state of the art facilities (they had a computer lab filled with Macs…) and was more “aesthetically pleasing.” But, putting aside my (admitted) yuppie desire for the newest=best, I realized this is a much better fit.

    8. I would switch schools. At this age I feel social interaction and positive associations with school are so much more important than traditional learning. Also while it’s definitely a life skill to be able to function in an environment that’s not ideal, a 3 year old is just learning how to do basic interactions so may as well have the environment be one that supports the kid’s social learning instead of throwing up obstacles. (But then I’m also someone who had a lot of trouble making friends as a child so I could also be projecting.)

       1. Ha – I also worry about projecting b/c I struggled with the same thing as a child. I agree that social interactions are most important at this age. I think I’ve been thrown for a loop by this b/c I don’t think of Montessori as being traditional learning, in the sense that it isn’t didactic ( teacher teaches and students sit and learn). To be honest, I was surprised that social interaction between the kids isn’t really a focus of the program – it iit is in the sense that kids have to negotiate with one another as they work independently/select their work, but there isn’t a big focus on working together or working with other friends.

          1. I was in Montessori when I was your daughter’s age and I loved it (although I cried every single morning — every morning — when my mother left). But I think what I loved about it was that I was able to indulge my intellectual curiosity. If your daughter is naturally intellectually curious (and it sounds like she is) she’ll have plenty of opportunities for that, especially since she comes from a home with an engaged, bright mother. I was a very typical gifted child — highly advanced academically but somewhat delayed socially/emotionally. I might have benefited from a program that helped me work on the things I found more challenging while letting my natural curiosity work to get me the intellectual stimulation I needed (at least until I started K or 1st gr).

             1. Honest question- you have memories with strong emotional feelings about experiences you had at 3?

             2. I went to Montessori and LOVED it. I read at a very early age, and loved that the teachers left me alone to read alllll day if I wanted. I do have vivid memories of playing alone on a playground – not negative, just I recall being on the outside a lot. Similarly, though, I struggled socially until I was much older.

             3. I second MontessoriExperience- I went to Montessori as a child and for elementary school (3-11) and absolutely loved it, I do have strong feelings about it. But, I did struggle socially until I was around 15.I was naturally curious, so I loved the freedom to learn on my own terms and read, etc., but I probably could have used some pushing towards the things I needed to work on.

             4. I have very explicit memories from around 3 years old on. My earliest memories are from when I was 18 months, but those are disjointed images (I’ve later learned what was going on and can put them in context now, but I don’t actually have the context as a memory). The emotional part is probably stronger than the sensory memories. (Although the tactile parts of the memories are very strong. I remember what my metal Mickey Mouse lunch box that I took to Montessori felt like in my hand while I was carrying it.)

          2. It sounds to me like the philosophy of this school (and maybe Montessori in general) is to let the kids select what to do themselves – and what you are saying is that you feel your daughter could use a little more teacher direction, like “Hey Susie, how about you join Jane and I over here playing with blocks?”

             Have you told the teachers you are at the point of considering pulling her from the program? They might just be hearing “oh, you’re a little concerned with the transition” whereas you are mentally saying “if I can’t see a change I’m going to pull her”

             It might be that Montessori and self directed isn’t a good fit for her (I don’t think it would have been for me – I would have learned ONLY what I was interested in/already good at and ignored everything I wasn’t). Or maybe she just needs a few nudges. Is the bulk of the day kid directed, or is there circle time, teacher reading to the kids time, etc? Have you ever stopped by mid-day so you can actually see whether she is sitting alone, or if that is just what you are guessing based on what she is (and isn’t) telling you?

          3. Identifying your strengths/struggles isn’t necessarily a bad thing in this situation. When our middle daughter was struggling we went with the program that developed social skills because we felt confident we could provide academic remediation or extension at home if needed but as introverts were not confident we could address social skills at home (without significant help)

    9. What happens next year? How long will she big in large chaotic classrooms? Sounds like this is a private school? So you’re paying for a school that isn’t working for her even though you can afford other options you think would.

       I’d move her. Life is too short to let your ego keep her stuck here. If you can afford a school with 8 kids per class go for it.

    10. So I was your daughter when I was younger. I went to a mother’s day out program 2-3 times a week, and in one class I had no friends. Most of the relationships in the class were established before I got there, and the kids didn’t want to add me as a friend. They were mean, bullied me, and excluded me all the time. I didn’t have any friends in that class, so I became introverted and kept to myself. My mom switched me to another class (T/TH instead of M/W/F) and everything became normal again.

        Am I still introverted for the most part? Yes, of course, that is a part of my personality, but sometimes a change of groups is really beneficially.I typically become friends will really outgoing people because I know they will introduce me to other people. I am not good even as an adult going up to someone I don’t know, and that definitely started in my childhood.

        1. I was extremely shy as a child. As in, I wouldn’t even talk to my cousins who I saw every weekend, but would just sit on my mum’s lap for hours. I did a lot of activities growing up, like going to orchestra practice every week, where I had no friends because I could not bring myself to talk to anyone.

           This all magically changed when I was 18. After years of studying how other people made conversation I now decided I was an adult and didn’t need to be scared of other people any more. I went to university, was very friendly, and none of my friends who met me since then can believe I was shy as a child. And I’m always careful to involve quiet people in group conversations because I remember what it was like.

           So, it’s not the end of the world if your child finds it hard to interact socially. One day, things might just click.

    11. Okay, so lots of good intel here, and some strong decision points for moving. We can’t break our contract without losing the rest of the payment for the school year, so we won’t move until the end of the school year (so there is salso still some time to consider and see how she does in the classroom). But I plan to meet with the director of the new school next week. Any suggestions for the meeting? I plan to discuss everything I have raised here, but for anyone that has navigated a transition, I’d appreciate your insight.

        1. Wait, all this fuss is over changing school at the change in school year?? Then obviously you move. I see zero downside. Most kids move from preK to K anyway.

           I’d just say that you’re thinking of moving because your daughter seems overwhelmed by making friends in a large unstructured class, and ask how they set things up, and put down a deposit.

        2. You would lose out on months of payment? Red flags to me – the school has no interest in trying to keep you if they already have your money! Although maybe this is more common somewhere that is more like a private school and less like a daycare?

           1. Yes, very common with private schools, at least in our area (Boston). The school goes through high school, so a lot of the policies are more akin to private school, less like daycare.

        3. I think you’re right to move your daughter. It sounds like Montessori is cultivating the kinds of skills that are natural to her – but not helping with her challenges, like learning how to play with other kids and how to enter big groups. My daughter went to a very play-based, social-emotional learning preschool, and there was a lot of explicit modeling and practice around playing together (Example: the teachers constantly reminded kids that “can’t say can’t play” and there were tons of puppet shows modeling good friendship behavior. And teachers didn’t hesitate to intervene to help kids either enter groups or find another activity, as appropriate.)

           Now that she’s in a normal public kindergarten, you can really see the difference – she understands how to play with other kids, how to make new friends, how to be kind, and she’s just socially proficient. She’s a leader in her class. She’s even popular. (Which is a challenge in its own way, since I never experienced such a thing and have no idea how to advise her on managing her popularity!) It’s partly her social personality, but partly the three years of preschool. It’s definitely not me, since I was always socially awkward.

           However, in my experience, age 3 can be a rough patch for girls. Even at the play-based preschool, my daughter had complex social issues around age 3.5. Some of the girls formed a little clique, and my daughter was excluded from time to time; they were also latched on to “best friends” and that was rough. The truth is that learning how to enter social groups can be really hard and in some ways, it’s hardest for bright kids who really understand and WANT to be included. It’s like other kids can sense the high stakes. It’s also tough for imaginative kids who want to play certain games and don’t just want to “go with the flow.”

           It all passed and I think it was an incredibly valuable learning experience, although at the time I was so worried about it. I suspect that some of these challenges in playing together are developmental and just anecdotally, I see it more with girls. By the time my daughter was 4, the issues had passed and the group of kids was playing beautifully together again.

           If you decide to keep her in school for the remainder of the year, I would consider 1) really pushing the school to move her to the classroom with her friend; 2) pushing the school to model inclusion and social skills; and 3) reinforcing those skills with a directed play group. I would also 4) work on playdates, both one-on-one and in small groups (maybe 4, since 3 is a recipe for disaster), and with girls AND BOYS. Informal meet-ups at the playground can be very helpful – just email a handful of other moms in the class and say, “We’ll be at the playground on Saturday at 10 if anyone wants to join us! I’ll bring a box of coffee!” That was very helpful for us during the challenges around age 3.5 If you are going to be in this difficult situation for the rest of the year, I think it’s best to really tackle it head-on.

           Good luck. I so empathize and understand with your situation and I hope you post a follow-up.

           1. Thank you so much – a lot of great insight here. Very helpful

    12. I could have written this post myself, last year. DS was not thriving in his highly-respected Montessori school, and we were spending gobs of money out of pocket on OT, etc in order to help him, to no avail. We ended up moving him. He’s now in a play-based preschool, and we’re looking at kindergartens for the fall.

        It was not an easy decision for our family– we loved the Montessori approach, and it was our community for a number of years. We made lots of friends there, and didn’t really want t make the change. But, the school was strict Montessori, and it just wasn’t a good fit for my son. He needed a little more direction than the teachers were willing or able to provide, and he is also benefiting greatly by the more intangible social aspects of the new school. They do more small group activities, pretend play, etc, whereas Montessori emphasized individual learning with more of an academic approach.

        Preschool is supposed to be fun for kids. I see that much more clearly now than I did a year ago.

        1. This is very helpful/comforting. Thanks.

15. Hey, guys! I asked this yesterday too late in the day. I am encountering sexism (like being called “little girl”) for the first time at a new job. Advice?!

    1. Is it coming from a superior or a peer? If it’s a peer tell them to go back to the 1950s.

    2. It was a construction contractor, right? No surprise. I think the best you can do is what you did (counter back with “old man” or something similar, light-heartedly) and don’t let it get you down. If it becomes a serious recurring issue, then maybe I’d mention something to your boss or HR.

       1. I also have responded with “little boy” in similar situations and that seems to work – said with a smile, it often makes them realize how silly it sounds.

    3. I’ve experienced this a lot with construction contractors (often my clients). Squeezes on the arm, little lady, constant comments about how a fancy girl like me (lawyer…???) looks out of place on site (even when I’m dressed way down).

       What is your relationship with these people like? What you relationship with them is like will govern how you can respond. Unfortunately I think you may just have to write it off as part of the culture (grrrrrrrrrrr) or do the light-hearted response.

    4. Yesterday you said that was a construction contractor? I think step one is to just say something – honestly, the best is probably “I’m not a little girl and I don’t appreciate being called one” is best to show you aren’t joking around and it’s not ok. Or “sorry, no little girls work here, only adult women and men”if you hear the same kind of language but not directed at you.

       If anything like that happens again, I’d consider talking to HR or finding out who is in charge of the contracted project to say something. While I think this sucks, I also generally save my energy for fighting the really big fights. If my boss or colleague called me “little girl” I’d be throwing a lot more fits or looking to leave. Or is there another woman that is in a mentoring role that at your firm that you could ask for advice?

    5. For either supervisor or peer, “Actually, my name is ___. As I was saying…”

    6. The response to this is so personality dependent. If it was said to me, I’d stop what I was saying and look that person directly in the face and either say, “Did you seriously just say that?” or “Excuse me?” – mean face, big eyes. Let them fall over themselves explaining.

       For someone who is more conflict avoidant (sp?), this obviously wouldn’t work. An eyeroll + ignoring could work, “haha so funny” delivered in a dry voice, or even taking them aside and speaking to them one-on-one could work, hard to tell. This workplace hazing thing is super huge in the construction industry, nobody is exempt. Men get teased in other ways.

16. Any advice on how to get your mojo/motivation back after losing out on a promotion? Thought I had this one in the bag – it’s a position I really wanted, I’m in a great place credentials/experience-wise, had a great rapport with the interviewer, ended it on a really good note… got the copy-paste rejection email yesterday and I’m in a funk about it.

    My current job is coming up on our yearly compliance audit, which I was desperately hoping I’d be able to skip by virtue of having another position, and I’m having trouble mustering up the give-a-damn necessary to do more than the minimum. Help me get my groove back?

    1. I’ve been there and man! It sucks!

       I don’t really have much advice for you. It kicked my butt for a good long time. The thing that helped the most was getting back up on the horse and reapplying, which may or may not be an option for you. I mostly just want to say you’re not alone and I’m sending internet hugs and chocolate and wine.

17. I’m hoping to get some workout advice from the always wise hive.

    For those of you who work out after work, how do you reconcile that with an evening meal? I don’t get home until 7 or 730 and and by the time I get home from the gym its close to 9. It seems way too late for a full dinner or even a post workout snack, since bedtime is only 2 hours or so away. It leaves me feeling conflicted.

    I guess I’m just looking for tips on how others navigate the situation.

    Thanks!

    1. I have a decent snack about an hour before I leave work and then a smaller meal after I work out, if I’m hungry.

    2. I have breakfast/lunch/pre-workout snack/light dinner. I usually eat at 8/12/4/8. My pre-workout snack is something like almonds and fruit, or cheese and veggies, etc. My dinner is usually just a omelet or 4oz baked fish/2 cups steamed veggies, or something else that’s light.

    3. I also try to push breakfast and lunch as late as I can. I’ll eat oatmeal or hard-boiled eggs and toast at my desk around 9:30/10, and that usually keeps me full until 1ish. Then I have lunch at 1 and a snack around 4. That helps a bit.

    4. What are you doing between 7-9?

       Use a closer gym if that’s travel time, don’t work out as long, save a shower for after dinner.

       It’s important to me to eat an actual dinner, so I shift other things around.

       1. Or if you only work out a couple of nights a week, make enough extra so that your post gym meal just involves heating up leftovers, not cooking from scratch.

          1. Oh yeah I assume that if you’re working out after work you’re spending 10 mins max “making” dinner.

          2. The trouble is less having to prepare something to eat than it is eating so close to bedtime. But maybe that’s something I’ll just have to get used to.

             1. Or, make better more efficient use of your time so you’re home earlier

    5. Can you make breakfast/lunch your bigger meals calorie-wise and eat a more substantial snack late afternoon? As long as you are getting enough calories/macros/nutrients/whatever in the 24 hour period and hunger isn’t affecting your sleep, I don’t think it matters if you choose to skip dinner.

       1. This is what I do. I load up on breakfast, lunch, snacks throughout the day, and then eat a protein bar or something similar when I get home after I workout. I have never been one to eat a large dinner, so it works for me.

    6. I do the same as others, and eat a mini-meal or good snack at 3 or 4 when I have after-work plans. I also don’t eat breakfast, and instead eat lunch at 11ish so I am actually hungry for a late afternoon snack or early dinner.

    7. Can you eat before working out? I eat dinner 6:30 – 7 pm, work out 8:30 – 9:30 pm. I eat a lighter dinner on days I work out and usually a high-protein snack afterwards.

    8. Pre-baby, I would have a Greek yogurt at 6 pm, work out from about 7-8 or 7:30-8:30, and have dinner around 9. We usually had a very substantial lunch and a smaller serving for dinner. Post-baby, I rush home, have dinner at 7, work for a couple hours after the baby goes to bed, and then work out from 9:30-10. This means that I can’t run, for example, because it’s too soon after dinner, but lots of other things are fine.

    9. I take a 7:30pm barre class and get home by 8:35-8:40pm and just eat a regular dinner then. Get ready for bed around 10:30pm, asleep by 11:30. It doesn’t bother me to eat that close to going to bed, I guess.

    10. I eat dinner at 9 all the time, but I will eat a snack/mini-dinner after work and before the gym if I feel like it. I don’t see a problem with eating closer to bedtime. What is the problem, exactly?

    11. I tend to eat breakfast at 9 (at work), lunch at 1, large snack at 5, and then a light dinner between 8:30 and 9:30.

        I work 9 to 6/7ish, then it takes me 15 minutes to get to the gym (or yoga class or whatever), an hour workout, and then 15 min to get home. So I get home between 7:30 and 8:30. If I am getting home on the earlier side, I’ll often also run by the grocery store to pick up some stuff for the next few days. And I tend to sleep from midnight to 8 am.

        1. what a nice schedule…… perfect….

18. Hard questions, which David Bowie compilation/greatest hits/collection do I buy? 3 year old me wants to do nothing but watch Labyrinth on repeat.

    1. I like “The Singles 1969 to 1993.” It’s two CDs (if you still listen to CDs). Almost 40 songs.

19. Weird question – but do any of you see ONLY female drs even for primary care? I didn’t start off intending to do that but in my last 3 cities have found awesome young women PCPs – since 1997. Now I’m in a smaller city where there are fewer drs overall and even fewer taking new patients and you guessed it — only a few older men MDs available who’ll see someone new. It’s kind of bothering me for a reason that I can’t even put my finger on.

    1. I do but I’m in NYC so there are options. I prefer to see women so I seek them out. The only male physician I see is my podiatrist. It doesn’t really bother me to see a man (except for gyn) but I prefer women.

    2. The only doctor I see when I’m healthy is my OBGYN for an annual exam. All of my OBGYNs have been women, by choice.

    3. No. Why would I?

       1. I definitely prefer younger doctors, and I had a young female PCP who really clicked with me (we had the same kind of dog, her husband was a lawyer) which was great, but had more to do with her dog and spouse than her gender. I prefer younger doctors who adapt to new science to older ones who might be in a rut of doing things how they’ve always been done.

          1. My biggest problem has been finding a doctor I feel I can communicate with well. My last PCP definitely knew her stuff but her first language was not my first language and I felt like we couldn’t talk candidly. I switched to a different doctor in the same practice but it’s just meh with him.

    4. No, but I did once have a male GP refuse to examine me because there wasn’t a chaperone available. That annoyed me as I had made a trip to the doctor’s for nothing and I couldn’t care less about having a chaperone for an intimate examination. In fact, I find it a bit awkward having one as they just stand there for no reason and I’m never sure if I should make small talk with them!

       As far as I’m concerned, my vagina is just a body part, and the state it was in that day, no one was going to get aroused by looking at it, unless they had a very unusual fetish!

       1. Per medical board rules in some states, it is unprofessional conduct to conduct an exam on the opposite sex without a chaperone present. It caught me a little off guard when a male doctor called in a female staff member when he needed to do an exam.

       2. Yeah, this is standard in a lot of (probably most) places. Even in med school we were advised that this is the best practice to have. You don’t have to make small talk with them- most people just ignore them.

    5. I do. My PCP is a relatively younger female and for my OB/GYN I see a woman who reminds me of my best friend’s mom (who is a nurse and the best). I’m in Tampa. I find I’m more comfortable with female doctors.

    6. For primary care and ob/gyn, I have a slight preference for female doctors, although I have seen both men and women. I think it comes from a feeling that they might understand a bit more when I talk about menstrual issues or something that a man hasn’t personally experienced. I realize that this doesn’t translate to other specialties (the ortho. doesn’t need to have broken the same bone I did).

    7. I had a couple of not great experiences with male OBGYNs (one who compared all of my issues to his wife’s, one who chastised met for being “promiscuous” when I tested positive for HPV) so I was inclined to go to a female OB after that. As it happens, the largest and most highly regarded OB practice in my city is all female so it has worked well. It’s a true group practice and any of them could deliver my babies, so their practice is to cycle maternity patients through all the docs for their monthly/weekly appointments during pregnancy.

       My primary care doc is male. I like him a lot. He listens and is very grandfatherly, which makes me feel comfortable. He just doesn’t do my annual gyn work but I go to him for everything else.

    8. I only see female doctors for primary care, derm and OB/Gyn. My primary care and derm also have an interest in women’s health.

       For my comfort level, I chose female doctors. I am more comfortable having intimate discussions about my health concerns with women.

       Also – I am a doctor. I knew a couple really…. disgusting… guys in medical school that went into OB/GYN. From what I learned, I swore I would never have a male OB/GYN…. definitely of my generation or younger. I hate to admit this publicly, but there it is. I tell my female friends to also have male doctors for this reason.

       It has surprised me that several of my female friends admitted to (unconsciously?) choosing male over female doctors. They were predominantly my more conservative female friends, interestingly.

       However, for specialists, I will choose whomever has the best reputation for that field. But if there are multiple options…. I choose the woman.

       1. Oops!! I meant I tell my female friends to also have female doctors for this reason.

       2. I wonder if, looking at it from a more conservative viewpoint, a doctor is “traditionally” a man’s role, and that’s why they gravitate towards them? (not the case on this s!te, obviously!)

       3. Definite preference for a female. I can’t handle an intimate exam w a male no matter how great a dr he may be. So that means a female GYN and a female PCP also bc I don’t want a man doing a breast exam for a physical. Also w a male GYN, you typically have to have another person in the room as a chaperone which I think is worse. Easier to just go with women if there’s a choice.

       4. Similar preference for female doctors for OB issues (although my PCP for a while was a man, and that was because I just needed SOMEONE and he turned out to be my age and great), and as an ‘ethnic’ professional, I try to support other professionals of my ethnicity (and also because I know their mothers whipped them into doing their best/working hard like my parents did).

    9. I see on women for PCP and OB/GYN. Less of a preference on other specialties (my dermatologist is a male). I’m just more comfortable with women. And preferably younger on the theory they might be a bit more up to date. Not like “I haven’t been out of residency long enough to even take boards yet” young, but fairly young. My only other requirement is board certification.

    10. I’ve been seeing a male and don’t love it. I’m going for an initial appoint with a new PCP on Thursday, actually, who is a female and highly rated on ZocDoc.

        My OB-GYN is in the DC area and female and AMAZING and highly recommended.

20. I am looking for a maternity FRIENDLY (doesn’t have to be actually maternity since I am only slightly pregnant right now) nice black cardigan to wear over my legitimately maternity work tops, with work pants.

    I am really disappointed by my maternity blazer options (I did some searching of the C-moms archive), and am doign to just bring it down a notch to nice cardigans. Cardi needs to cover the ever-growing rear to also hide my elastic waist pants ;)

    To add to the request, I’m tall too (5’10)– so it needs to run on the longer/taller side of things. Doesn’t have to be an official tall though.

    Help!

    1. I (not preg) like the open front sweater trend. Those seem like something that would be adaptable to your changing body.

    2. Have you tried Talbot’s?

       1. I’m 5’10”. Talbots tops never ever ever fit. I used to work there, so I tried a lot. The sleeves and torso are always too short on me.

    3. I’m 5’9″ and wore something like this (a Calvin Klein suit separate)open as a good maternity blazer substitute. It worked for me because it wasn’t cropped.
       http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/calvin-klein-single-button-stretch-blazer?ID=371065&CategoryID=67592&LinkType=&swatchColor=Black#fn=BRAND%3DCalvin Klein%26COLOR%3DBlack%26DEPARTMENT_TYPE%3DJackets%26SUIT_STYLE%3DSuit Separates%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D28%26ruleId%3D%26slotId%3D14

    4. I’m in the same boat although shorter than you. Some options I’m considering:

       https://www.talbots.com/online/browse/product_details.jsp?id=prdi36214&defaultColor=7565&N=10497&No=&selectedConcept=&Nrpp=134&ViewAll=True&Nr=AND(OR(product.siteId%3ATalbotsSite)%2COR(product.catalogId%3Acatalog20002))

       http://www.eddiebauer.com/product/women–39-s-lux-thermal—cardigan-sweater/21003362/_/A-ebSku_0109623100000050__21003362_catalog10002_en__US?showProducts=&backToCat=Sweaters&previousPage=FNAV&tab=women&color=550 (comes in tall!)

       http://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/83163?feat=503657-GN3&page=classic-cashmere-sweater-open-cardigan

       http://www.landsend.com/products/womens-merino-v-neck-cardigan-sweater/id_294514?sku_0=::JQL

    5. I’m 5’10”, usually a size 6 or 8 when not pregnant. I bought a JCrew wool blazer in 12T to wear during my pregnancy. It didn’t button but it looked great and accommodated my enlarged chest nicely. I wore it from 4-9 months pregnant.

21. Kat- the plus size links point to the same skirt but your text refers to two different skirts.

    All, I went to the Livermore outlets with a straight-size friend this weekend and was astounded by the good deals at the Elie Tahari outlet. If you’re in the Bay Area you should check it out. Style-wise I think they’re perhaps best for a more petite lady, with lots of waist-length jackets. If you want to shop ahead for spring/summer there were some really pretty blouses and light-colored sheath dresses at the back of the store on steep discount.

    The Theory outlet had an absolutely gorgeous work dress- long sleeved (!), v-neck and a below calf length. I really covered that one.

    My friend walked away with a bag full of silk blouses from Tahari and I got two Etro scarves. Guess who spent more! Ha

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