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Anon for this
Reposting since my original post was at the end of a thread. Thank you to those who commented yesterday.
How soon is too soon to leave after a promotion? I’ve been in my promoted role for two months, but I was groomed for this role for over a year (and doing a significant chunk of the promoted role’s work that whole time). I love my team, but I want to relocate to be closer to (but not in the same small town as) an elderly relative whose health has been rapidly declining (and my current company won’t allow that). I have an offer for a fully remote role with a great company that would allow me to work in the city my family wants to move to, but I’m feeling guilty for leaving so soon after officially being promoted (and also because my small team has lost several people recently to fully remote roles). I don’t want to burn any bridges by leaving too soon, but it looks like my relative may have a degenerative neurological disease (pending confirmation by specialists) so I don’t want to wait too long.
Anonymous
Girl what?! Ignore the nonsense guilt voice take them new job live your life. Do it today.
Ellen
Yes, I agree your live come’s first! Do not let work get in the way of family! I did and I am over 40- and unmarried. Who cares that I am a big success at work, when I come home every night to an empty bed! Ptooey on that!
Anonymous
Don’t feel guilty. Go. Or, take leave of some kind if you can afford it and think you’ll move back
London (formerly NY) CPA
Well in my industry, it’s very common to leave shortly after getting promoted, so it wouldn’t be unusual for us.
That being said, if you already have an offer in hand, I think it’s time to talk to your manager about options. They may want you to stay and all of a sudden be more open to flexibility as an incentive to retain you. I’d frame it in the context of:
1) my family needs to move to another city for personal reasons (wouldnt go into the other city thing, or that its “optional”–you’re moving and that’s what needs to happen)
2) I love the company, am excited about our future plans for [X,Y,Z] and am really enjoying my role and our team and would love to stay in this role (if true)
3) given our policy about not offering remote work I’ve been looking at some other options as I need to make this move, but wanted to have a candid conversation with you first to see if there is something we could work out that would work for everyone
London (formerly NY) CPA
Or if you prefer the offer from the other company, just take it! If you need permission from someone, you have mine :)
Anon for this
Thank you so much for these talking points! I would love to stay at my current company, and I definitely don’t want to burn any bridges because if location weren’t an issue I’d happily spend the rest of my career at this company. That being said, I really do need to move because I want my kids to know their grandmother while she is still vibrant enough for them to remember.
DeepSouth
Your family circumstances have changed and are your priority. I think you tell your supervisor that, and if that person has any sense of humanity, they will fully understand. Can you tell them and give a longer window than a traditional two.week/month departure date? That might soften the blow.
Anon
Your company would get rid of you in a hot second if they thought it would improve their bottom line. Do not worry about this for one more minute. Live your life.
nananon
1000% this.
Anon
If your company won’t let you be remote, then it seems like you have much choice here – go and feel no guilt. I hope your time with your relative is meaningful.
Anon
Wow, do not let some weird feeling of obligation to your employer stop you from doing what you want for your family. They would fire you in a second if they wanted to.
A
Take the offer already. Who know how long you’ll have with your relative and you seem to like the new job.
Anonymous
Anyone tried fabletics swimwear? I’m eyeing their boyshort high waist bottoms and wondering if they ride up. Would wear them while Chasing kids around the pool.
Anonymous
Idk but my butt eats all boy shorts. I’m much better off with normal coverage.
anon
Same girl, same.
Anonymous
IDK on Fabletics but my teen girls have the ones from Lands End from last summer and are asking for more colors.
Anonymous
I want to research Hindu/Indian wedding traditions. I am overwhelmed at where to start. My close friend (white, lapsed Catholic) is getting married this summer (fiancé is Indian, not super observant but wants some traditional elements). Some of the ceremony will be in Sanskrit, there are multiple events that I’ve never heard of before. I do not want to pester them as I know they have their hands full with parent input, so I just want to be supportive. Also, I may be part of a group that is expected to dance? They are telling me later -I have two left feet so would love to have some idea of what to watch or videos to buy. All this said…. I searched online and am totally overwhelmed. Open to any tips or trusted resources (books, blogs, YouTube) for being a respectful and better educated guest! And since this is a style blog, open to suggestions there, too!
London (formerly NY) CPA
Are you my cousin’s friend? I’m in exactly the same situation!
Fashion-wise, I settled on bright colors for the 3 events I’m invited to, but sticking to western clothes as they didnt say anything about the extended families being encouraged to wear traditional Indian attire. I was counseled that white and black are mourning colors and red is the color worn by the bride, so to avoid those, but that any other bright colors would be good. Going with royal blue and emerald green dresses, and a hefty dose of bling.
anon
For the actual ceremony, you won’t be involved. The priest will lead the ceremony and the bride and groom and possibly family members will be involved. I’m Indian and my husband is white. I don’t understand Sanskrit, so I just followed what the priest wanted us to do.
There may be a sangeet, which is basically another party and opportunity for people to dress up and have fun. There may be some dancing here, but I feel like the dancing this is a fairly new trend due to social media. I got married over 20 years ago and we didn’t do any big group dances.
Indian weddings are very fun and colorful. Red is worn by the bride but any other bright colors and lots of jewelry would be fine to wear.
Anonie
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted but wanted to jump in to say: you are a guest! You just show up and have fun. Don’t overthink it (I mean this kindly, as I understand being the anxious type) or add stress to your friend’s plate by asking lots of theoretical questions. There are many different types of ceremonies that can be had in Indian weddings and some people even opt to have Indian cultural elements but no religious elements, particularly if they practice Christianity or another religion. Even if you are asked to participate in a group dance in front of guests, you can 1) gracefully decline citing nerves or 2) wait for the choreography to be shared in advance and then practice like crazy. You may be invited to get henna designs added to your hands shortly before the wedding, but you can ask for a very small design like a thin wristlet if you are worried about the temporary tattoo effect. As someone who is part Indian married to a non-Indian and with family and friends of all backgrounds, I would never have asked my guests or even close friends to take on any kind of overwhelming responsibility for my wedding (in my case, a wedding anniversary party since our original plans were halted due to Covid). Also, many Indian Americans have elaborate weddings by non-Indian standards and will have wedding planners or at least many hyper-involved family members. It would be fairly unusual for much responsibility to fall on the plate of one guest, even a best friend/bridesmaid. Indians Americans tend to pride themselves on having extremely fun weddings…the thing that will make your friend and her fiance happiest is you having an incredible time.
Anon
Are you sure you have to dance? I was maid of honor in my BFF’s Indian wedding (both bride and groom where Indian) and there was no formal dancing part.
A
Attire…bling it on. Have a ball wearing lehengas or sarees or whatever you fancy. Do NOT worry about cultural appropriation stuff. We Indians would adore it if you adopted our dress for the wedding. Tons of helpful aunties will help you.
You don’t have a role really to play at the wedding, no MOH stuff whatever. Well, not at a typical Indian wedding anyway.
Dancing…this would be the Sangeet. Everyone has two left feet. Forget inhibitions and let go. No one cares. The point is to let your hair down and enjoy. Again, bling it on.
Google…Arya Samaj wedding ….it will tell you about the basic Hindu ceremony and the meaning of rituals and stuff. No one understands Sanskrit. Not to worry. Kinda like Latin.
Do NOT worry about upstaging the bride. It’s impossible to upstage an Indian bride. Everyone will be in a riot of colour so don’t worry about coordinating colours and no one else will…!
Anon
This is such a kind and reassuring reply. I am not the OP, but thank you!
Cb
A reminder to do the thing… I’ve been avoiding something for weeks (converting study abroad grades to the UK grading system) and it took me 30 painful minutes and is done.
Panda Bear
Thank you! Just wrote and posted a sympathy card. Such a hard thing to get started, but I hope it brings the recipient some comfort and it would haunt me if I kept putting it off!
Anonymous
Eating the frog has been a really great new habit for me. This week I conquered a screw up at an administrative agency. I spent 1.5 hours on hold but finally got through to a human who sorted things out.
nuqotw
I am finally taking care of digging up the forms our CPA asked us for…in April.
Monday
I am so sick of takes on school sh00tings. I was in 11th grade when Columbine happened, and did mandatory active sh00ter drills in my public high school. Even then, I remember thinking “this is a horrible joke compared to what might actually protect us.” Now about 25 years later I’m only more disgusted. I can’t even follow any of the coverage because I feel such despair in how it’s always the same and nothing is going to change.
anon
My heart is aching too. Can’t stop thinking about this: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7767279-america-is-a-gun-england-is-a-cup-of-tea
Sharing the following so anyone can use their voice and power.
Information on which Senators have taken the most money from the NRA (a little dated, but still applicable): https://elections.bradyunited.org/take-action/nra-donations-116th-congress-senators
Note whose going to the NRA meeting in Houston anyway (paywall): https://www.houstonchronicle.com/politics/texas/article/trump-cruz-abbott-nra-meeting-17196580.php
Call your representative in the Senate and ask them to vote to support one or all of these bills:
H.R. 8: https://www.congress.gov/bill/117th-congress/house-bill/8/text
H.R. 1446: https://www.congress.gov/bill/117th-congress/house-bill/1446
H.R. 350: https://www.congress.gov/bill/117th-congress/house-bill/350
Capitol Switchboard to get your representative: (202)-224-3121
This November, don’t vote for candidates who take money from the NRA. Don’t vote for candidates who don’t genuinely support stricter g&n control laws. Don’t vote for candidates who don’t take domestic terrorism and hate crimes seriously.
anon
I literally felt sick to my stomach sending my kids to school today. Only in America would it be okay to gun down little kids on multiple occasions. I feel hopeless. The gun lobby wins, every time, so not even sure where to channel my desire to change.
Anon
Same. Newtown was 10 years ago and nothing has changed except teaching kids to do active shooter drills. It’s just horrible how we’re failing our kids over and over.
I have a really comfortable upper middle class life and rarely want to leave the US even in the Trump era but whenever little kids get mass murdered at school I think about it. Pretty much every other Western country had one mass shooting and immediately enacted gun control laws. It’s disgusting that we can’t.
anon
Same here. Very comfortable, and yet I feel scared all the time about the world my kids are growing up in. It’s a mess.
Anon
Most of my anger is towards the voters. It’s not just the republicans politicians, lobbyists and the NRA. They are certainly to blame but so if every single person who voted for Republican candidates. These people had to elect them and they are very much to blame. They choose their bank account and stocks over human lives every time.
AIMS
This. Politicians can only do what the voters let them get away with. There are so many obscure things wrong with our politics that are hard to communicate but this isn’t one. That “we should arm teachers” is not a laughable position for so many voters but gun reform is a dead end just boggles my mind.
Leatty
Same. And now I have a 5 year old who is headed to kindergarten in the fall, and I feel so very powerless to protect her. Her kindergarten is fenced in and you have to be buzzed in through the front office to enter, but barricades and even cops were powerless to stop yesterday’s shooter in time to save those poor children and teacher. Plus, I live in a place where politicians say the answer is to arm teachers rather than enact gun control legislation, so I know nothing will change in my state in time to protect her. The politicians I vote for support gun control, but I’m outnumbered in my state.
How many children must be slaughtered needlessly before the gun lobby loses? When will they finally realize that thoughts and prayers are pointless and that gun control is desperately needed?
Anokha
I honestly thought my husband was joking when he said that the right’s position was “to arm teachers.” And then I listened to an interview with the Attorney General of Texas yesterday. (Screams into pillow)
Leatty
It’s insane. Florida has allowed teachers to carry guns inside classrooms since 2019 (that was their response to the Parkland shooting). So f’n stupid. Teachers are already grossly underappreciated and paid, and the answer to demands to keep them and their students safe is to tell them to arm themselves? Insanity.
Monday
I have a similar role in health care, and had very real safety threats to me in my last job (less so now). I would be furious if someone’s only answer to my concerns was that I should have a gun handy in my work space and, I guess, be prepared for a 2-way gun fight? or at least to shoot at someone who was threatening me, and let the chips fall where they may? Medically, legally and morally?
Anon
As opposed to not being allowed to protect themselves?
You all truly have no idea how many people carry concealed on a regular basis. Approximately half of my friends do.
Anonymous
It’s IMO a hair better than the option to just get slaughtered, which seems to be the current plan. Ugh,
Anon
@9:47, I know how many people around me carry (north Florida, it’s approximately everybody and many do a sh*t job of it, so it’s not exactly concealed). I am not safer because of it. These folks are not trained to respond in any sort of crisis and many, if not most of the guns used in local crimes are stolen from these idiots’ unlocked cars. If you feel the need to carry in order to go to Publix, that’s a you problem, not a me problem. Your paranoia is putting other people in danger.
Want to play with guns? Put down the big gulp, get off the internet, get in shape and join the military or police force. LARPing in an echo chamber of larval domestic terrorists isn’t making anyone safer.
Anonymous
You protect people by creating a society that doesn’t require everyone to conceal carry to give them the illusion that they are safe.
Anokha
@Anon at 9:47 am: I’m sure that you can appreciate that there’s a difference between people who want to carry concealed arms, and telling people that they need to carry arms to protect themselves and their students.
Anon
Absolutely. Both should be discouraged, unnecessary and in most cases, not permitted. Civilians should not carry weapons as a matter of routine.
Anonymous
I grew up right near Newtown and had friends that went to that school. Those doors were locked. There is literally only so much we can do short of sending our kids to school in prison barracks.
It’s terrible that I am literally counting down the days until all 3 of my kids are in 2nd grade or older because in our elem, the 2nd-5th graders are on the second story which is seemingly much safer in these kinds of incidents (though OF COURSE you never know). And I say this living in a DEEP blue state with strict gun control laws. But CT had (has) fairly strict laws, too. FWIW, my husband has an LTC and owns a sport shooting gun (which is kept at his club, and he has separate locked compartments ammo, and we also have a gun safe at home except right now it is just a giant dusty locker in our basement that holds my diamonds).
I wholeheartedly agree that we need to do something about access to guns. I also think there is an underlying mental health issue in many of these mass shootings.
Anon
There’s a lot of denial about K12 mental health out there for sure.
Anon
IDK re denial. We see severe problems every day. Last night, my kid’s middle school reported a threat via a group text among kids. They take this stuff seriously, but their hands are tied and they are limited to being anonymous (so we depend on our kids hearing things whispered about who is really doing what). We can’t lock up dangerous adults and kids < 18 get a lot of privacy (IMO too much, even if they have committed s*xual assaults at school against classmates, a current high school problem for our feeder high school).
There isn't an ability to DO anything b/c people can't act unilaterally and often need parental and student buy-in. And there aren't any adequate resources even if everyone were willing.
Anon
Definitely hands are tied. The schools are for everyone, but how many adults choose to go to work everyday alongside “everyone”? I wouldn’t want to go to work every day alongside people who had assaulted people I know, but it feels like it’s taken for granted that kids should be okay with this basically because they have to be.
I’m always horrified by how accepted it is that suicide rates increase when kids are in school and decrease when kids in are out of school. The fact that this held true even during the pandemic has really stuck with me. It seems incredible that the statistic holds even when school is a refuge and a haven for so many kids whose home lives aren’t safe… because that’s another problem that often just persists even when social services are involved (for similar reasons). Being a child is terrifying in so many ways.
Anon
If Democrats and left-leaning moderates learned how to hold their noses and vote Democratic in their local and national elections, and we could gain a larger margin of control in the House and Senate and in state legislatures, something could get done. I am tired of people handwringing and saying “there’s nothing we can do, nothing is going to change” when this year we saw multiple pieces of beneficial legislation derailed because we don’t have a large-enough majority in the Senate to get the legislation passed. There have been major efforts in several states to fight against gerrymandering, and it turns out that a lot of those “election protection” laws that got passed in red states are backfiring on Republicans. Republicans also lost a lot of their core voters in some critical areas to Covid. We have an opportunity in the midterms to do something. Get out and vote in your primary elections. Vote for your city councilors and school board members. Encourage others to vote, drive people to the polls. We wanted Trump out and we got him out not through impeachment, but through voting. We could, if we wanted to, vote in enough left-moderates and liberal candidates into the House and Senate to get some things done. What’s holding the country back is ideological purity and apathy from liberal voters. We don’t need very many seats in the House and Senate to fix the problem, but if everyone bands together instead of descending into despair, we have a chance at doing some things that actually matter.
Anonymous
100% this. Make all the donations to Everytown you want (and I did and do) but it means little if we don’t win a majority from the top of the ticket to the bottom.
anon
As long as rich, white men continue to get richer from the sale of guns nothing will change.
Anon
I’m equally sick of people just posting random stuff on social media saying how upset they are but then not even trying to do anything. I live in TX (unfortunately). Yesterday was a runoff election and I can almost guarantee that most of the people i know posting things on social media did not vote. Everyone should be voting in every single election in which they are eligible to vote. Otherwise the venting and complaining sounds lazy and shallow
Anon
Honestly, this. Same for this board.
I hesitate to post this, but may be it needs to be said, once.
From the outside, it looks to most people like you ARE comfortable with it. All of you in the USA. Oh you may feel sick and scared and outraged when it happens, but then you sink back in your routines and comfortable middle class life and forget about it, which essentially means you are all comfortable with your country being like this. Otherwise you would either a) make the change happen b) raise a stink every day for the rest of your lives so even if you can’t change it someone else will c) leave.
I know of course some people legit can’t leave, or are too poor and abused and downtrodden to be able to make things change, but I assume this is not the case for most on this board. Family ties, preseving your comfortable middle class life etc. are not a reason not to leave – it just means that those things make it worth it to you personally to stay despite the massacres and keep living in a country like this.
If that description makes you feel uncomfartable – see options a and b.
Anon
“You” in the 9:49 post means collectively “all you middle/upper class American women” not specifically Anon at 9:30 clearly.
Anonymous
Since you’re not in the US, maybe look at what it would take to change a constitutional amendment here. I’ll wait. Come back with a bit more knowledge and a bit less finger-wagging. There is a bad guy here and it’s not us.
anon
Thanks for posting your outside view looking in. I think it’s particularly fitting that to call us out here. Even if it is uncomfortable.
Anon
I get the point that the Us is collectively ok with it, but pretty much every white liberal woman I know is voting and donating and calling elected officials and protesting. I’m not sure what more an individual can do to “raise a stink” and all the stink raising in the world isn’t going to change anything because we have an outdated political system that gives much more weight to conservative rural voters.
Anon
Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought race into it – POC are doing as much or more than white people. I was thinking of the trope of the white liberal who complains but doesn’t do anything and was trying to say that is not my experience in my largely white upper middle class friend group. But definitely wasn’t trying to imply POC do less than white people.
Aunt Jamesina
Yeah, and while the upper middle class have a comfortable existence, their wealth is not on the level of being by able to effect change in this world where lobbyists and the ultra wealthy control things. I’ve donated, I’ve made phone calls, I’ve voted in every single election since I was 18. Over 90% of Americans believe we should have more stringent background checks, but that doesn’t do anything. Not sure what else I can really do.
Anon
Thank you for saying this because this is what I haven’t been able to articulate to real-life people and I was trying to say to my friends last night. Everyone was venting but it seems like everyone is comfortable with living like this on a daily basis. I kept asking how do you all send your kids to school, go the grocery store, have your parents go to the grocery store, and not feel anxious or want to leave? Do you just live your life and hug your loved ones each day and just hope for the best? I’ve seriously thought about homeschooling the kid, leaving altogether (but then that means being away from extended family, which is the reason we’ve stayed so far) and I do constantly talk about this but no one else seems to care to talk about it once a few days go by. I don’t know if it’s one of those things people maybe just don’t want to talk about or dwell on because people do have to get on with their lives I guess but I do sometimes feel alone in how I feel.
anon
This is unhelpful.
Anon
+1 million. And if this country is so terrible why do so many people want to move here? And I’m not just talking about people in developing countries. My husband works with people from Canada, the UK, Australia and Denmark who chose to come here for better opportunities.
Anonymous
LOL, Haha the US gets the worst immigrants from developed countries. The people who immigrate from Canada, Denmark etc to the US are the type of people who will sell their morals for a paycheck, not exactly representive of the ethos of their home countries. I’m married to an American expat, the US is a dumpsterfire. I always laugh when his family ask if we ever plan on living in the US.
Aunt Jamesina
They want to come because white collar workers can make a ton of money compared to most other countries. But I don’t think we have much to brag about on almost any other metric.
Anon
Yeah, my eyes are stuck in my head, I rolled them too hard.
Anonymous
I think a lot of people not from the USA who move there really do not understand the level of gun violence there. I’m from Canada so I have some awareness as we get American cable channels so you’d see breaking news on shootings when I was growing up but DH is from Europe and had no idea how bad it is until he moved to Canada and saw more American news. The international papers really only carry the news of the ‘bigger’ shootings not the small ones that occur so frequently.
Neither of us are familiar with the idea of people carrying guns as a day to day thing. I literally learned that this is an actual thing that happens and not just a political rights argument via this blog when I started reading like 10 years ago.
Anon
@Anon 10:10, people immigrate for various reasons but I would be curious how you would characterize ‘better opportunities’ for the individuals you mention.
I am an American who moved to a European country for better quality of life after living in Atlanta, DC, and NYC. My top priorities were healthcare, cost of living, urban green space, and living in a progressive city.
Among those who have moved in the opposite direction (from Europe to America), the priorities seem to be salary, prestige (working for a top global company, working for an international org based in NYC), material life (there is no other consumer paradise quite like America – I do miss Nordstrom Rack), and universities (younger immigrants). I don’t know anyone who has moved to America for their children’s schooling or for healthcare, but could imagine that could be the case for things like Cleveland Clinic or other specialized needs (assuming the potential immigrant does not have cost as a factor).
Anon
Mostly work opportunities, but it’s not just about money. They have a chance to work on a higher level in the US than they would at home. (The people in question are academics.) But many of them have also said they have a better standard of living here, even having to pay healthcare and college out of pocket. I don’t think there’s an equivalent to the US small college town in many other countries and the opportunity to buy a nice large house for $300k in a safe, educated community with excellent public schools is something a lot of our expat friends seem to really value. As do we.
Anon
TBH I would love to leave but I’ve not been able to figure out a legal way to emigrate. I was born in the USSR and have emigrated once already (as a teen), but going back to Russian would in no way be an improvement over the US. (In addition to political action) I’m trying to save a lot for retirement to be able to retire to Portugal, Italy, or wherever else is a realistic option by the time that happens. Based on my read of both Russian and American history, I’m not optimistic for change in either country in my lifetime.
Anonymous
If you are healthcare it is incredibly easy to immigrate to Canada.
Seventh Sister
Whether or not to leave the US was something I seriously considered when I was in college. For my own kids, I’m going to encourage them to consider being expats, even if it means they are far away. No country is perfect, but the US does not have the highest standard of living in the world (a trope I was raised on and my boomer parents view as an article of faith). All the peanut butter and suburban mega mansions in the world cannot make up for our gun violence or our health care system.
Anon
I understand Option C but you’re incredibly naive about options A and B. I’ve voted in every election since I was 18. I donate and campaign for candidates from President to city council. I’ve attended protests and volunteer time and money with anti-gun orgs like Moms Demand. I live in a red state so my vote counts more than it would in a place like NY.
The US has a gun problem because the NRA buys politicians. I’m affluent for an individual but no individual except like Jeff Bezos can buy a politician the way the NRA does.
You seem to think the women venting here are doing nothing but writing messages on an internet chat board and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Please explain to me what more I could be doing short of leaving the country (which would make the situation better for me but worse for the people left behind, so that seems selfish and the exact opposite of effectuating change.)
Anon
The NRA is not the problem. I hate them, but as long as we keep up this narrative that this happens because the NRA buys politicians, we will lose.
The NRA donates say, a million dollars over the course of a decade to a politician – seem like a lot? It’s not – that politician is raising hundreds of millions over that time period. They’re not taking that vote because of the opinion of less than 1% of their donations.
Anon
The NRA donates tens of millions to many senators. Also even if it was “only” $1M it’s not like an individual donation from a non-billionaire can counter that. A very affluent American might have a $2M net worth so obviously they are not in a position to donate $1M or even $100k.
Anon
@Anon 11:23 the NRA is the problem. The NRA bankrolled the movement in the 1970s to re-evaluate existing gun control laws. They are why we have this massive 2A social movement. The NRA funds republican political candidates, and it’s not 1m over 9 years. In 2016 alone they gave 50million to republican candidates, 30m of which went to Trump.
Anon
I donate to causes and campaigns, I go to protests, I vote in EVERY election, I put political signs in my yard, I call my (incredibly Red and Insane) Senators and representatives at every level of government. Most of my friends do, too. So please let me know additional specific actions I can take to “make it happen” or “raise a stink.” Also if you have ideas for how I can move to a different country with no ties or job prospects there, I’m all ears.
Especially if you do not live in the US, you probably don’t have a clear understanding of how difficult it is to change the laws here.
I agree with your comment somewhat on a collective level, but on an individual level, you are way off-base.
Anon
This. Exact same boat here, and the vast majority of my friends do all this too. Also…rich educated people fleeing the US is inherently selfish and makes things worse for the many Americans who can’t move. It does not seem like a positive way to effect change or help anybody but yourself.
Monday
Exactly, 11:09. I really don’t like the “just leave” response. Even on an issue where the local majority is on the wrong side (as in abortion rights in some states), but especially when it isn’t, and rich/powerful people are simply overriding the majority will (which supports additional gun laws in the US).
People’s homes are people’s homes. Their families, work, and entire support systems are all in one place. The place was not chosen on political grounds (and I don’t think we really want a world in which they were). And if you do any kind of public service, leaving your state or country means leaving the people you serve. This is not a hair-toss decision.
Anon
I agree with this. On a collective level we have failed for sure. One thing I think that maybe people in blue states could do is start moving to red states in large numbers, and voting accordingly. I am one of those people and have considered doing something along those lines, but ultimately I love living in CA too much to ever leave.
Anonymous
Where is the country to which I can just pick up and move and make a living? Serious question. I don’t know of one.
Anon
Seriously. It’s so complicated to move internationally.
Anonymous
Canada if you’re in healthcare or other in demand professions. DH was working here at a university within 4 months of his application.
Anon
Being on a work visa in a foreign country would be really scary to me. You lose your job and suddenly you’ve lost not only your job but also your home, your friends, your community, your kid’s schools, everything. If you live in a county where you’re a citizen, when you lose your job you pinch pennies for a while and get a new job.
anon
We’re the same age. Columbine was deeply shocking and then the fallout was so stupid and exhausting. I was super goth in high school, and suddenly all my male friends were being treated like they were going to shoot up our school while the school continued to ignore the fact that a popular coach’s son was hitting his girlfriend. The most dangerous kid in our entire school was almost certainly my own (non-goth) boyfriend who was prone to threatening suicide when I wanted to break up. That’s a clear risk factor for violence but that got dismissed as teenage drama while they were busy searching lockers and kicking kids out of school based on trenchcoats and Marilyn Manson t-shirts.
Even in the aftermath of Columbine, even at 17, I knew that there was no way what they were doing was going to prevent a mass shooting. I’m not any expert in this stuff or any kind of scientist, but I suspect there are very clear risk factors for doing this, and I’m betting that controlling behavior/stalking behavior with women or major rage toward women is one of them.
Anon
I feel like it’s even harder to imagine our country and communities taking controlling/stalking behavior and DV seriously than it is to imagine our country taking gun control seriously!
Anon
My impression is that for every shooting that actually happens, many others are averted (and may have barely made the local news). I’m not sure anyone is even keeping good statistics on this. It’s the kind of thing I hear about from teachers who are actually involved. It makes me feel like the problem is a lot bigger than it looks.
anon
That’s pretty horrifying, not reassuring.
Monday
I think that was 9:38’s message as well: “the problem is a lot bigger than it looks.”
Anon
This is domestic terrorism and these murderers are just another flavor of suicide bombers.
Anonymous
I have kids in schools where I have to ring a buzzer, talk to a person, and get buzzed in. There is heavy metal door and a camera. I think it’s easy to let in an adult woman (my kids’ elementary school was small and I was known, but middle schools are massive and due to COVID, no one knows that I belong there but it’s easy to see how I could be (no giant rifle, but yes on the giant minivan). I wondered last night — how on earth did a teen boy with a large rifle that I could see in pictures get let in?!
Anonymous
Um an AR will blow through a door, even a metal one esp since many of the metal doors aren’t solid top to bottom but have fiberglass sections. Do you think he buzzed and politely waited for the door to be unlocked for him?
guns
We have no idea. That’s why we are asking.
And clearly another reason added to the list why an 18 year old should not be allowed to “freely” purchase an AR.
Anon
Huh? I haven’t seen that he rang a doorbell and waited patiently to get admitted into a school with a weapon. Not all schools are built like yours, and it’s really unhelpful to blame the administrators or whoever you think let him in when really this is the fault of the NRA, our lawmakers, and every person who votes for these whack-job lawmakers.
Cornellian
I mean, I don’t know if the details are out yet for this particular shooting, but I don’t know a lot of doors that stop someone with an assault rifle. I know that police were engaging before he even got in the school here. I don’t think you can blame school security, or that it’s a helpful good faith thing to do here.
Cornellian
On a related note, I’ve previously given to Everytown for Gun Safety but happy to hear if anyone has any recommendations.
Anonymous
A child molester at my kids’ former school used practicing lock-down drills to make the kids sit in the dark with their heads down and be silent while he led girls into a closet area and molested them. I think the drills can be traumatizing and never underestimate an evil person’s ability to twist something bad into something much worse.
Aunt Jamesina
(I say this as a former high school teacher who thought about this all the time). School shootings are horrifying and should never, ever, EVER happen. That said, the risk of your child being in one is extremely low. I would worry more about an unsecured gun in other peoples’ homes or the higher suicide risk of having one. I lost two students to suicide by guns from their own homes and it was absolutely awful. We need much more stringent gun control, although I doubt it will ever happen. I do think that school shootings are a terrifying symptom of a society that is very fragmented and dysfunctional, so on that level, it does make me reconsider raising my daughter here even if I know that it’s unlikely to happen.
And yeah, active shooter drills are both horrifying and useless security theater.
Aunt Jamesina
Oops, meant for this to be a reply to the OP’s thread!
Anon
Omg.
anon for this
I cried when I dropped my kid off at school this morning.
The ONLY way this changes is for people who care about it to make it their #1 issue. Turn Moms Demand and Guns Down America into a bigger force than the NRA. Get anyone who cares about it to vote only for pro-gun-control politicians, just like the right did with abortion. Get presidential candidates to commit to appointing SCOTUS justices who will support reasonable regulation of guns.
We’ve interpreted the constitution to mean lots of different things over the years, this is not a battle that should be ceded. I’m pretty sure the founding fathers would be horrified at what their words have been used to justify.
AIMS
YES. So many people are getting this mad about masking and school closures and CRT (yes, in NYC too) and yet if only we all cared as much about gun control.
Anonymous
NYC has some of the strictest gun control laws in the US. How’s that working out for ya? Didn’t someone get shot in the subway on the way to brunch 2 days ago? Why is the focus always on guns and never on the fuckign nutjobs behind the gun?
Anon
Because in countries where there are fewer guns, there are fewer mass shootings.
Should there be more resources for mental health support? Of course. But step 1 is getting assault rifles out of people’s hands.
Anonymous
cite a source for that anon @3:12.
Anon
Google? Most Western countries haven’t had a school shooting since the 1990s because they had one and then immediately enacted gun control legislation.
Esquinkle
Yes and nobody died. Someone from out of town came in with a hand gun. NOT an AR-15. I worry about school shootings a hell of a lot less in NYC than I would almost anywhere else in the US.
Anon
I was on campus for one of the first school shootings in May of 1992 – 30 years ago. I literally break down at each one of these. There are simply are no words. I have no idea how children go to school each day and I have no idea how people are able to take their children to school each day. And I have no idea how any of the children at any of these schools ever heal. I know that I never did.
Anon
They don’t heal. Even the survivors will be traumatized for life.
Anon
I’m so sorry you had to live through that. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like or how you deal with it on a daily basis. I wonder the same thing about kids and how people send their children each day. I have a young one but I know I’m going to have to deal with it in a few years and it already makes me anxious to think about it.
Anon
The problem is, even in D states, like Maine, when it’s put to a referendum, even things like background check laws tend to get voted down. It’s SO much more complicated than “the gun lobby” or “more democrats” – voters just don’t, when put to a vote, vote for more gun laws. In Nevada a background check bill passed by only ONE point, in a state that Biden won.
Depressed today
How do you reason with people whose solution is to funnel more guns in schools, via teachers and guards?
Jo April
I have to turn down a job I really wanted over salary, and I am very upset about it. We’re 10K apart and I can’t go any lower and I’ve tried to find other ways of bridging the gap, they’re not budging, and I am just …feeling a lot of feelings.
Anonymous
For your feelings: is it a sense that they could but won’t for you (maybe if you were a guy with 6 kids and a SAHW, they could see his need but not yours)? Or can’t? Or maybe you are well-paid now (yay?)?
Jo April
I think they really want me and are hamstrung by pre-pandemic internal equity and I am already paid at market rate and their range is under-to-low market rate. I have more experience than they were looking for, and I suspect that’s part of it — five years ago, I’d have been pretty happy with this salary.
NYNY
As a hiring manager dealing with exactly this situation from the other side, your turning it down can be the trigger to raise salaries across the board. Because I have lost several strong candidates who had better offers from competitors, I have been able to push for a market rate adjustment across the board for my team. The proposal is still working its way through HR at my large, complex organization, but without being turned down, I wouldn’t be able to make the case.
Stand your ground. You know what you are worth.
Anon
all of this.
Pompom
Agree–this is a trigger for managers to make chage. Apologies that you have to be the catalyst (or, can be), but be the change! If you can find a professional, comfortable, but matter-of-fact way to share your reason in writing (if you’re comfortable…it’s really helpful evidence for us!), consider it.
Anon
Before you say no, there is a reason want this job. Is there more potential upside, opportunity, etc? 10k is negligible after taxes (and even before, frankly), and sometimes a small pay cut for a better job is worth it. That may or may not be the case here.
Jo April
I really liked everyone I talked to through the interviews, the work is potentially really interesting and in the direction I want to go in, and my current job is pretty awful (prestigious, well-paid, and my coworkers are jerks). The difference between 85K and 95K is not negligible to me.
Anon
Do the actual math before you make a decision. I get that it’s harder at a lower range, but put a value on your mental health and your opportunity cost. I say this as someone who’s taken 50% cuts and ended up with 200% raises after a few years at a better job.
Anon
I disagree. Do not take a pay cut to do this job. You’re worth the 95.
Anon
Stop trying to talk her into taking less money! She’s already said it’s a dealbreaker.
Anon
Trust OP to know what her lived experience is and that she knows what she is doing FFS.
Anon
Oh FFS, OP sounds early career and roe whole point of a career board is to share “lived experience” and help people see what they may be missing. I’m guessing you’ve been working for 10 minutes and haven’t figured out yet how to navigate your career.
Anon 2.0
10K is negligible? I know I am in the minority on this board of lower earners, but a comment like this is so out of touch with the reality of most people. I cannot.
guns
Seriously.
Duckles
This board isn’t for “most” people. It’s tagline is literally “for overachieving chicks”.
Anon
You can be an overachieving chick without being rich and to suggest otherwise is ridiculous. Money is not the only indicator of achievement.
Anon
So let’s say you’re pursuing a phd but making 25k in your phd stipend. Ahem. You’re not achieving?
Let’s say you are getting your brilliant NGO off the ground, and basically losing money. Not achieving?
How about you are a fantastic public defender, making 60k in NYC.
You’re a masters student who has invent a device that can efficiently transport cold-storage vaccines in hot climates to rural communities, and you’re working on a (stipend) fellowship with a PPP to test it
Do you see where I am going here? Salary is not a 1:1 achievement. To suggest that is not only incorrect, it’s boring.
Duckles
Agreed, if you could live on the pay cut for a year and then pivot in the direction you want it could definitely be worth it. Salaries aren’t linear; mine looks like the stock market over the past 10 years. But, if you are confident they’re paying under market and you (with your skills) can get market elsewhere, then it’s the right call!
Anon
I did this years ago (turned down a job because they wouldn’t budge on salary) and I’m here to tell you it was the best decision ever in hindsight. The fact that they won’t budge $10k is telling you a lot about the company and you’re dodging a bullet.
Anon
Also have a friend who took a job at less than what she thought she deserved, for lack of better offers. One year later, she left for a new job. She simply didn’t feel valued.
Anon
As much as I would love to say “take the lower salary; it’s worth it for a better environment,” I’ve found the hard way that employers are sending a very clear signal by not paying market.
Anonymous
I had a similar situation recently, and I took the higher paying job. It was $14K more. I felt a little bad, but I know my worth and you’re worth it, too!
Anon
Can anyone recommend apartments in DC? I’m looking at accepting a job there. I have wanted this for a long time, and it’s a great step for my career, but moving is putting me into a panic. I have anxiety, so this isn’t unusual. The apartment search is also overwhelming as I live in a much smaller city (basically a town). Job would be in downtown DC near 17th and H St NW. I’m single, have a cat, and would ideally like at least 1BR and not a studio. I’d be moving from a 2BR/2BA which I’m not expecting to be able to afford there, so not sure if I will have to ditch my office furniture or could still somehow have a home office. Salary will be around $120,000.
pugsnbourbon
Do you want to live in DC proper or are you interested in Northern Virginia, too?
Anon
I think it would be nice to live in DC but it looks like the office is close to the Farragut North metro (red line) and Farragut West metro (orange, silver, blue lines) so I am open to ideas.
Former Arlington
Consider some complexes on an express bus line. I lived in a nice apartment on Colombia Pike that had a pool, parking, and was near cafes and a grocery. I enjoyed the straight-shot bus right to Farragut West.
Anon
A friend did that — much less than on the Metro. And from a lot of Columbia Pike, you could walk to the metro.
Former Arlington
My experience was with the 16Y bus, if that helps with the search. It was about a 20 minute commute.
anon a mouse
Congrats! I recommend setting your rent budget and then deciding what’s more Important to you — proximity to work, or living space? Would you be okay in an older walkup or do you want a newer building? Do you want a quieter neighborhood (upper NW) or do you want to be in the heart of nightlife (Wharf)?
You likely can afford a large 1BR or even a 1BR + den if you go out between Courthouse/Ballston on the Orange line, or up Connecticut Ave around Van Ness on the Red Line. Both those areas also have buses that connect to downtown.
Anon
There are a ton of safe and vanilla high-rises around the Courthouse Metro on the Orange Line. It’s very close, b/c this is the part of VA that used to be in DC proper prior to retrocession. I lived in two places walkable to Courthouse / Rosslyn / Clarendon metros when I worked jobs at Farragut West / McPherson Sq (all orange line and Roslyn has the benefit of also getting blue line trains, which are slightly easier to get on at morning rush hour). It will give you a good base to launch from where you find somewhere more to your taste, but it’s not a bad starting place (e.g., half of my friends lived somewhere near there while first moving to the area from elsewhere, including one friend’s now-husband who literally lived upstairs from me).
Shelle
Came here to say all this. Also consider the Takoma Park & Silver Spring area if you want to have the small town crunchy vibe although they are not as close to your office.
Anon
I would also recommend this. Pick somewhere like this – vanilla, walkable, close to the metro. Maybe even take a large studio to save money the first year. Figure out what neighborhoods you like and make sense for you in that first year and then move where you’d prefer.
Always pick connivence and safety when first moving, even if it means it’s boring.
Anon
For a long time I lived around 17th and S and still think it is the perfect neighborhood. Walkable to pretty much everything – work, as well as Dupont/Adams Morgan/U St/14th St. Lots of apartment buildings and apartments in row homes around there – Craigslist is where I ended up finding most of my rental places before I bought last year. Welcome! DC is my favorite city to live in by far (um, other than the lack of representation).
Anon
True re Craigslist. If you have to rent sight unseen, go to a big corporate property. They will have some more options to move you around if something is bad in your unit (mine was: partying fighting couple next door who kept me up all night) vs a person with one rental unit where you are SOL. With the giant landlord, you are much likelier to get what you think you are getting initially vs one DC property where they wanted me to rent on the first floor (to me: easy to break into and noisy) and were a bit too cagey re actual safety stats there b/c of “fair housing laws.” IDK if that was true or not, but there seemed to be a lot of red flags to a place I had to pick sight unseen. Also: if a low-rise building, trash pickup noise at weird times and water pressure drove a lot of my friends to not renew their first DC rentals (more than in other cities; DC get a lot of sight unseen renters but unlike NYC you have options on your second rental place).
Bette
I think you need to figure out your monthly rent budget and then work backwards from there. You are close to the orange, blue, silver, and red lines so you have a lot of options.
If I were you i’d look around capital hill. There’s a lot of charming rowhomes and shops in that area. It’s very walkable and quaint.
If possible, i’d take a weekend to come down and see neighborhoods as they have very different vibes.
S
Woodley Park is an unexciting but safe bet. You can look up reviews of the buildings online.
Anon
I used live in Woodley. Unexciting for sure but very commutable to where you’ll be working, safe, more affordable than other neighborhoods and walkable to AdMo/DuPont
Anon
How old are you? And what kind of people do you want to live near?
You’re right on the Orange/Silver/Blue line, so you could either go over to Capitol Hill (Cap South Metro) or our to Rosslyn. If you’re over the age of 30, I’d go Court House. CapHill in that area (not if you go farther easy) tends to skew pretty young and there are almost no managed buildings unless you venture down to Navy Yard.
If you wanted managed, pretty close walking distance to CapSouth, look at the Collective in Navy Yard – it’s a collection of 3 buildings with bonkers amenities. Skews a bit young/hill staffer though – you’ll see them all doing the trek to the house office buildings every morning as you walk to the metro. You’re looking at ~$2,200 minimum for a small 1BD that’s more of a studio.
If you want managed near Court House, look at Tellus and in that area – you’re looking at a similar price point, maybe $100 or so cheaper/month. Navy Yard I think skews younger, but super pet friendly (you’ll see more doodles than you know what to do with) and Court House skews a bit older, but still on the younger side.
Anonymous
We lived in Ballston and loved being able to walk places (and take the orange line to DC) a lot! This was 9 years ago. We still have a condo there that we rent out: let me know if you would like to be connected with a rental agent for area overviews and I can help with introductions.
Anonymous
For those of you who’ve bought a house while single/no kids, are you glad you did or do you “regret” it in any way?
I’ve been somewhat set on wanting a house (townhouse -not SFH) and now am having some cold feet about it being too much work – now that I may actually be able to get a house in my N. Virginia area if I work on it, as rising rates have led to enough of a drop off in demand that suddenly you don’t have to engage in bidding wars and pay 50-100k over asking.
I mean a HUGE part of me is over living in a 900 sqft rental apartment and I don’t want to pay more money to rent something bigger; I’ve been in apartments for 17 years in both NYC and Va. I’m over sharing space with a bunch of partying 25 year olds esp in a never ending pandemic (elevators, lobby for mail). And I’m over living in apartments generally as they have minimal storage space so you can’t have much stuff. I have for a few years wanted to set up a house room by room with exactly the furniture I want without worrying about whether the pieces I want are too big and have abundant decor which there isn’t room for in an apt due to less surface space. And yet I also feel like will I become someone who is CONSTANTLY doing house stuff, cleaning in any time I have outside of work? Because I do like to travel and the one ease of apt living is being able to lock the door and go even for weeks. Though IDK that you can’t do that with a TH.
Anon
Yes. Do it. Zero regrets here. You do not need a spouse and kids to live your life!!
Anon
+1
Explorette
I have a townhouse and the HOA pays for the lawn/outdoor maintenance, so I don’t need to worry about any of that. It’s pretty lock and leave, but you still have to deal with issues of homeownership. I miss my apartment days when something broke and I called the manager and they dealt with it. In this market it’s been very hard to get repair/vendors to come out for small jobs. So for every issue that pops up, I’m spending a lot of time trying to track down someone who can come fix it. On the other hand, I like having my garage, being able to redo things I want, etc.
Anon
I bought a condo as a single. I think the only thing I’d think about is getting a place that is likely to be less maintenance – for me that was a condo (I’d imagine a townhome is similar) that was recent construction. For me it was more that there was only one of me, so I’d be responsible for EVERYTHING. Just didn’t want to deal with outdoor maintenance on top of indoor stuff.
Cornellian
I’m glad I did. If you end up partnering and/or planning to have kids, I would maybe recommend selling and getting a joint place rather than moving them in (I think otherwise it never feels like “their” space), but you can deal with that down the road if relevant.
Maybe you can build in a bit of a buffer to have someone come by every few days and check your mail, etc, when you’re traveling but I think you’re right that a townhouse shouldn’t tie you down too much.
Daffodil
I went through a divorce and kept my house a few years ago (I’m in DC). I am so happy I did. I love having a yard and a lot of space (even though it’s more space than I truly need).
I travel a decent amount, and don’t have any issue in that regard. I have a security system with cameras, and a friend nearby who can look in on anything as needed. I have a cleaning person come once a month, and a handyman who helps me with random things as needed. It’s definitely doable – I say go for it!
Anon
Zero regrets.
Anon
I am on house no. 2 as a childfree singleton. First was a rowhouse and now I am in a SFH. No regrets! Townhouses are low maintenance on the home scale, do it!
Anon
I had a three bedroom, 2000 sq ft townhouse all to myself and it was glorious. Loved it. It’s easier to keep clean when your stuff is spread out – much less clutter. Get a roomba and you’re good to go.
Anon
I bought a house after my partying shared-the-walls-with neighbor had me sleepless every workday for a couple of weeks. Not enough $ in the world to share walls with strangers again. It was a small and old brick ranch with 2BR,but it had one door to the outside and NO SHARED WALLS. It was perfect — an apartment with a yard (more like a yardlet, but it was great).
Anonymous
I regret buying a TH instead of pulling the trigger on a SFH. At the time I felt like a SFH was manifesting an emptiness in my life (I was unhappily single), like I could only get it if I could fill it with a husband and children. I figured I could always sell and buy something bigger. Seven years later I’m still in my TH and I have the annoyance of shared walls on top of the same amount of home maintenance as a SFH – I’ve had to replace the roof, siding, HVAC, furnace, hot water heater, I have to hire lawn maintenance and someone to power wash the outside of my house and someone to stain my deck and resurface my driveway and the list goes on. Either you buy in a neighborhood where you pay $$$$ to an HOA to do that stuff or you’re handling it anyway, there’s really no difference in maintenance of a TH or SFH. As far as moving… moving is a huge expense and PITA, the lack of momentum is hard to overcome when you don’t really NEED a new home.
Duckles
Bought my first SFH last year (fixer upper bc 2021 market) and while no regrets—I LOVE having a yard and no shared walls— home maintenance and renovations are uniquely stressful in that they’re expensive, something I’m both bad at/inexperienced in and uninterested in. I don’t think you’d have nearly as much of that if you bought a move-in ready townhome tho.
Anonymous
Go for it! I just bought a condo in my late 30s, child free and single. I would have preferred a SFH but couldn’t afford it in my market. I still hear my neighbors through shared walls, but I don’t have to worry about rising rent. Also…a 900 sq ft apt sounds luxurious! My old apt was 525, and my current condo is 750.
Anon
I’m going on maternity leave soon. Thoughts on using “maternity leave” vs “parental leave” (eg, “I am currently on maternity/parental leave.”) in an OOO message?
Bette
I vote parental leave.
I’ve also seen people just have simple messages saying “I am out of the office until X date. In my absence, please contact A person for B matters.”
Cb
Parental leave.
Anon
Parental leave will confuse people if you are a woman (who is birthing the baby, if in a same-gender couple). If someone is on parental leave, it’s seen as a vacation and someone else is recovering from v delivery or c-section and possibly also nursing, so the person on maternity leave is often rightly left alone while the (often) guy is seen as available to work and just on call re being a parent.
Source: one F and one M in my group recently became new parents. The guy got hammered with work. At least the women knew what the F coworker would be dealing with and respected her leave..
Anon
That’s terrible. I don’t think this is the same for all institutional cultures though. I have certainly heard the opposite though – male colleague planning to get all these special projects done while on his parental leave. I think that one turned out to be a pipe dream though, but it sure showed that he didn’t plan to be an equal parent or didn’t have a realistic expecation of it.
Anon
There is no difference like that where I work.
Aunt Jamesina
This is what I did. Nobody says they’re on leave for surgery or for cancer treatments or to take care of their elderly parent in their OOO messages, so I didn’t see the need to elaborate on mine.
Anon
+1, I did not mention that I was on maternity leave. Figured there was no reason to get that specific.
Anon
I use maternity leave and my email signature has she/her/hers, so it feels consistent.
I think parental leave works if you’re talking about the policies for parents generally, or if you are someone who uses they/theirs.
Anon
I just said maternity. People know you’re a woman so I don’t think using the gender neutral parental leave does anything special for you.
Anon
I said maternity leave. I wanted to give people the mental image of me in the hospital so they didn’t get any ideas about this being a vacation.
Congrats on your little one!
Anon
Same. “Maternity leave” says “go away”. Parental leave is read as “I can answer some questions b/c my life partner is the one really tenting to the baby while I do Kodak parent stuff and get takeout,” at least where I work.
NYCer
I agree. OP, I would use maternity leave if you are birthing this child.
Anon
My office has different policies for maternity and parental leave that account for additional sick time for a birthing parent. Regardless, I used the term “parental” leave whenever I spoke about my leave last year. I think it helps normalize parents–regardless of their birthing status–taking time to care for their families.
Anonymous
We use parental leave at our office, and “maternity leave” sounds dated to me now. I also think (because of misogyny), parental leave sounds better.
Anon
Same.
Anonymous
I don’t think it matters, but I do think “maternity” is better if you are giving birth to this child. Leave should be respected in any event, but some people’s expectations about your return date/attention to email might be different if they don’t realize you’re physically recovering as well as parenting a new child.
Anon
Sadly, this.
Anon
Yup.
Anon
I am so happy that my husband could take paternity leave (essentially went part time for a year) after our kid was born. I think it’s great and has helped our family.
None of that changes the fact that pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum are rough on the body, psyche, and brain. Before pregnancy, I believed everyone who said it’s tough and they white-knuckle through at work; now, I viscerally understand how tough it is.
Anokha
I used parental leave.
Anonymous
In my office everyond just says leave.
Anon
I said “an extended leave” or something similar and included an approximate return date (something like “returning in September or October” or maybe I just said “fall”). I also said something like “I will not have access to email during this time,” and strongly suggest doing the same (and then genuinely never looking at your email).
Nesprin
My office uses “new baby leave” but we skew casual
Anon
My office uses “new baby leave” but we skew casual
Another Anon
I said family leave.
Anonymous
Really not a fan of putatively PC terms that erase women. Maternity leave is not some antiquated term simply because it applies only to women.
anon
Agree 100%
Anonymous
I don’t see parental leave as erasing women. It helps normalize men as equal caregivers in my opinion.
Anon
I think either term is fine but saying maternity leave is an antiquated term seems a bit like erasing women. A mother takes maternity leave. It doesn’t mean fathers can’t take paternity leave.
Peloton
There’s no reason why a man can’t normalize that by taking his full leave and using the term paternity leave to describe it.
A
If you’re giving birth, I’d say maternity leave. So people will leave you alone.
If it’s your spouse, I’d say parental leave.
If you’re adopting, I’d say maternity leave.
SIBO
SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth): anyone been diagnosed and have any experiences to share? I’m hydrogen and methane dominant and have been prescribed Xifaxin and Neomycin. I’ve read that some didn’t tolerate the treatment well and that recurrence is high. Thanks!
meds
I have two family members who have used Xifaxin, with good results. No real side effects. One had pretty long lasting effects (at least 1 year?). The other had a few months, but that was still really helpful to “reset” things, and got him out of a bad situation.
Not sure how serious your medical problems are, but for my family members, they had very serious other additional medical problems and taking Xifaxin wasn’t even a blip on their radar for side effects.
If you are worried, I would just take it on a friday late in the day, and see how you feel over the weekend. If anything, you should have a better weekend than usual! I can’t really see any downside for trying, unless you are paying for it out of pocket.
Unfortunately Medicare and many other insurance companies don’t cover Xifaxin for SIBO. So one family member really needs another course, but it would cost over $1500 I think. So we are struggling with whether to get that. It is very important for them to take an antibiotic that is not systemic, because he already has a history of multiple antibiotic resistant infections.
Anan
Suggestions for a present for out fabulous intern? Usually we do dinner out and a nice bottle of alcohol, but half our team has COVID so dinner is out, and intern is flying home so a glass bottle doesn’t seem great. We were thinking an Amazon or Staples gift card (she loves office supplies!), but wanted something in addition to that that might feel more congratulatory.
Anon
I think a bracelet is a nice gift, if you don’t think that is too personal. I like to give the Tory Burch Foundation bracelets – the silver and rose gold are nice. They are only $30 so it’s not like it’s an over the top gift, but the sentiment is nice in a work setting because the funds go to her foundation, which supports women entrepreneurs, and there is a charm on the bracelet that says “Embrace Ambition.”
Anon
Don’t do this. I think everything Tory is horrible dated looking, which whether true or not, gets the problem that a bracelet is super taste dependent.
No Face
I don’t think a bracelet works as a business gift.
Amazon gift card and business swag if the business has any is a better fit I think.
Anon
I meant bracelet on top of $100 gift card, because OP sounded like they were looking to add something in addition that was “more congratulatory.”
Anon
I think a $100 gift card is a good way to go. If she really loves office supplies that much, Staples would be a cute option, but in general I think somewhere like Amazon where she can choose anything is a safer bet.
NYCer
I agree. FWIW, I also think it would be fine to give her a bottle of wine in addition to the gift card…traveling with wine bottles is definitely doable, or she could drink it with friends before she leaves.
Anon
How about a really nice pen? I like to give something career related – pen, padfolio, etc
No Problem
Personally, I would never use a fancy pen or a padfolio. Or a coffee mug/thermos or any other typical gift given in these situations. If you can’t think of something you absolutely know she would use and love, just get an Amazon gift card. She can get herself anything she needs there.
pugsnbourbon
My wife and I have been trading off using the same padfolio whenever we have a job interview. It’s been a few years. Do people still bring those to interviews?
Anon
People at my old company routinely brought them to meetings!
anon
22 year olds who are probably getting advice from their parents or out-of-the-loop career services offices do. No one else does.
Anon
I got two pens for gifts. They sit on my desk and are rarely used. I love the cheap paper mate ones.
Anon
If she loves office supplies maybe a gift from a higher end stationer. For ex. I love Ink+Volt task pads (they carry many styles) and their stuff is made in the US too. I second the idea of the Tori Burch bracelet. I got one for a friend who had just had a big work milestone and she loved it.
anon in brooklyn
If she really loves office supplies, maybe a gift card to a fancy office supply place, like Appointed.
Anon
or etsy?
MagicUnicorn
I know you can’t all enjoy it with her in this scenario, but what about a gift card for a nice restaurant wherever it is she is returning to?
Anonymous
If she loves office supplies, get her a gift card to Jet Pens.
Anon
Has anyone been diagnosed with having a MRSA colonization (which seems common and not cause for alarm but for some hygiene cautions) vs having an outright MRSA infection (not the case, thankfully, as this is grave)?
Relative who is hard of hearing went to the doctor alone and of course couldn’t hear anything and now I guess will have to phone a person who can hear or bring a good-hearing friend/relative (possibly me) with them next doctor visit. Don’t just smile and nod. Things might be serious and worth hearing with the 5 minutes the doc has to give you!
Anon
Can you get the notes for this visit through MyChart or the equivalent? Doctors are now required to make this stuff easily available and I can see the notes from every visit within a few minutes to a few days. It should have everything the doctor discussed and the treatment plan.
Anon
I’ve had both. I’m colonized with MRSA in my lungs; we monitor. I’ve also had a MRSA infection on my leg which we actively treated with heavy antibiotics and was taken care of.
Anonymous
MRSA is tough. I hope your relative has success with treatment. I had several MRSA infections about 12 years ago, including a hospital stay. The doctors said I was colonized with it. I remember that I applied an antibiotic cream in my nose, as did my husband, for several weeks. We both also washed our hands and bodies with Hibiclens soap. He never had any infections, but the doctor said he likely was colonized too. Also, I gave antibiotics to my cats, who apparently can get MRSA and pass it back and forth to humans. That regime took care of it.
Anons
Looking for summer pants recommendations for my teen, who just came out as non binary. Teen is AMAB and feels self conscious of their hairy legs but isn’t ready to commit to shaving them. They usually wear sweatpants, but with warm weather coming I want to help them find some very lightweight joggers, preferably very soft fabric that breathes and dries easily if it gets wet. Thank you!
Curious
I really like my Free People FP Movement joggers. They sell them at Nordstrom, but don’t buy for $80; get used or wait for a sale. Price point should be no more than $40.
Davis
Check out the selection of twill pants on H&M. That still feels warm for me, but it might be an option to explore!
Aunt Jamesina
H&M also has lots of cotton and linen joggers that seem like good options.
Mouse
I had some great luck at Target for pants like these. Looks like these are some of the current offerings:
https://www.target.com/p/women-s-stretch-woven-cargo-pants-all-in-motion/-/A-79599718?preselect=79358977#lnk=sametab
https://www.target.com/p/women-s-tapered-stretch-woven-pants-all-in-motion/-/A-81475448?preselect=80944504#lnk=sametab
Vicky Austin
I’m a broken record about J. Crew Factory lately, but they have some good linen options from either the men’s or women’s department, depending on what your kid is comfortable purchasing (the men’s ones are shaped more like joggers, the women’s are sort of straight-leg).
Old Navy has also been doing a lot of intentionally gender neutral clothing lately and are having a big sale. Their “tapered street jogger sweatpants” look workable for what you need.
Anon
Check out the men’s section of Lululemon. They’re pretty gender neutral (me, a very feminine cis woman loves them to wear around the house).
Anon
I bought a pair of Lululemon joggers at a used store the other night and realized when I got home that they’re actually men’s joggers. Didn’t notice. Still going to wear them because they’re comfortable.
Another option might be the Align joggers if they want something a little less masculine looking. I buy knockoffs from ColorfulKoala.
Eager Beaver
Old Navy had a line called Breathe On that includes joggers. They sound like exactly what you’re looking for.
anon
Oh yeah, I have these and really like them. I can definitely see them being more gender-neutral.
anonypotamus
The Vuori performance joggers are very soft, very lightweight, and dry quickly in my experience. They also come in a ton of colors. I have several pairs of the women’s version and a few pairs of the men’s version. I like both, but love that the men’s ones have zip pockets and are cut longer in the legs. (I wear M in women and S in men).
Anon
I just looked at the Madewell website and there are a number of breezy linen pants and joggers. On the pricier side but they are having a big sale this weekend. They are not super gendered and look well made.
Anonymous
maybe this
https://www.costco.com/eddie-bauer-ladies'-ankle-pant.product.100805211.html
or this
https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=691847152&cid=1031032&pcid=1031032&vid=1&nav=meganav%3AWomen%20%26%20Women%E2%80%99s%20Plus%3AOld%20Navy%20Active%3AActivewear%20Bottoms&cpos=15&cexp=2223&kcid=CategoryIDs%3D1031032&cvar=16846&ctype=Listing&cpid=res22052508914203658194376&ccam=12556#pdp-page-content
or this
https://www.uniqlo.com/us/en/products/E444539-000/00?colorDisplayCode=07&sizeDisplayCode=003
Anonymous
Linen is the answer!
Anona
I think outdoorsy clothes would work well, like a Prana or Athleta.
anon
Gap runaround joggers!!
Curious
To the mom who posted about her 9 and 13 year old yesterday: I read the responses with horror. I was particularly shocked by the critique of you not being able to manage everything that comes out of your 13 year old’s mouth. My mom was a fabulous mom and intervened to make sure I (older kid) did some basic movement even though all I wanted to do was read. I am grateful for the way she did it, which was gentle and framed in terms of healthy habits. I also thought that cruel comments were literally the rule of pre teen and teenage sisters. My sister and I are fast friends now despite lots of mean words/punching/ etc. in our teens. My mom tried. We were teenage girls. We didn’t particularly care about her punishments. We said mean stuff. Anyway, this is all to say that, while of course weight is a nuanced and fraught topic, I doubt you are the demon some people were making you out to be.
Anon
+1 – I commented late last night and especially echo the sentiment that sisters be sisters. You absolutely cannot control siblings the way people suggested, and many of us grow up to become incredibly close despite it all.
Anon
I have 3 sisters and we never talked to each other like that. There’s a difference between bullying and fighting.
Anonymous
This. I’m astounded by the posters who think it’s normal for siblings to punch each other and bully each other about food.
Weight Loss in Kids? (OP)
Where in the hell did you read in my post that my kids are punching each other? People here need to stop projecting their own stuff onto my children.
Anonymous
She didn’t. That’s what curious said about herself.
Vicky Austin
I’ll weigh in as another bookworm with incredibly athletic sisters – we said a lot of nasty things to each other as teenagers and are also now extremely close friends. I’m not saying it was admirable or that my mom would have been right to let it go (which she usually didn’t), but it did happen, and it evened out over time in a way that my mom’s negative talk around weight and diets did not. And, as I said below, OP came asking for advice about her younger daughter and weight concerns because that’s where the pitfalls are. It won’t mess a kid up for life to be told to be kind to their siblings, even if they don’t do it.
Weight Loss in Kids? (OP)
I just wanted to say I appreciated your kind and thoughtful response. I grew up with brothers, so this sibling dynamic is new to me.
Vicky Austin
I’m very glad to have been helpful; sisters are tricky but very, very worth it. Your kids will figure it out. I only wish I had better advice for your actual question!
Anon
I was nasty to my younger sister growing up. We were not and are not close and that’s okay. I am definitely NOT nasty to her anymore and would help her if she needed it, but we have nothing in common. This is an okay relationship for siblings to have too. Sisters who aren’t bffs aren’t broken.
Anon
Oh, brothers can be mean and bullying, also. I experienced that with one of my brothers and none of my sister.
Curious
Thanks, Vicky. This is probably a better way to say what I was trying to say.
Vicky Austin
I always appreciate your insight, Curious :)
Curious
Ugh, I apologize, I did not mean to condone sibling abuse. To be clear, I mean she punched me in the arm when I was being an a** about the car air conditioning. In contrast, a close friend experienced terrifying abuse from her sibling that she is lucky to have survived. I have since apologized to my sister for a number of things (I was an a**hole teen sister), and I think I’ve managed to repair the relationship through about 5 years of dedicated careful listening and supporting her. Friend’s sibling persists in scary, erratic, and threatening behavior. There is a spectrum between those and a spectrum of parental intervention.
Anon
Nobody told OP to manage everything coming out of her 13 yo’s mouth. But I find it stunning that OP casually mentions how mean spirited her 13 yo can be, and yet her focus is on her 9 yo’s weight. Talk about misplaced priorities. I’d rather have a fat child than a mean one.
Anon
“I’d rather have a fat child than a mean one.”
YES!!!!
Anon
Yup, this.
Vicky Austin
I don’t think that’s a fair thing to say, considering that her question was about the tricky emotional landscape of 9yo’s weight, not the fairly straightforward issue of 13yo’s attitude. It won’t mess a kid up for life to be told in no uncertain terms to be kind to their siblings. Presumably OP is already doing that. The issue she came here for advice on was something completely different.
Weight Loss in Kids? (OP)
Exactly. I tell her that all the time. But she’s also a 13 year old girl. This is my first time parenting one, but I remember being one, and it was without a doubt the absolute worst part of my childhood – it’s just a horrific age and people react differently. I can tell her to be kind until I’m blue in the face, but there is a level of just needed to grow out of that phase. If this is still an issue in a year, it’s a different story.
Anon
You are a parent. When she does not listen to what you say, impose consequences. Actions speak louder the words.
Weight Loss in Kids? (OP)
Did I say I didn’t impose consequences?
Anon
You said, “I can tell her to be kind until I’m blue in the face, but there is a level of just needed to grow out of that phase.”
The somewhat obvious implication is that your version of consequences is to “tell her… until [you] are blue in the face.” Not to ground her, not to tell her she loses her iPad for a week, etc.
Anona
Anon, you cannot be a parent or at least not the parent of a child who can talk, especially not a teenager. Do you really think it’s that easy? No child is perfect.
Anon
I’m a different anon and parent of tweens. No child or parent is perfect and I don’t think this makes the 13 yo a monster who will be nasty for life, but it definitely sounds to me like OP could be doing more to shut down these comments. She literally said she’s just telling the kid not to say this stuff. That’s clearly not enough – older kid needs to lose privileges and be punished.
DallasAnon
And she said yesterday in the post that any time she heard it or she learned of it, her 13 yo was punished with punishments but that her 9 yo often preferred to let things lie and move on.
RR
As the mom of a 14 year old girl and an 8 year old girl, even if this is not an issue for your 14 year on in a year, the things said this year may very well be an issue for the 9 year old girl for life. My 14 year old is mean to all of us at times, but there are zero tolerance zones, and weight (any comments on body or physical traits) is one of them. Your 9 year old should never have to hear mean comments about her weight from any one in her family.
On the actual subject of your post yesterday, my 8 year old daughter has also always been at the high end of the charts, although her pediatrician is currently not concerned. You can’t do anything but encourage fun physical activity (in a way that is completely untied to her losing weight–e.g., let’s all go play outside!) and talk to her generally about how our bodies need a wide variety of foods–without tying it in any way to her weight. Never, ever, ever, ever talk about diet or weight or negatively about her body.
We all need to eat lots of different foods because that’s what bodies need. We all need to keep our bodies strong so they do what we want them to do. As someone who has struggled with weight my entire life, her weight at 9 is far less concerning than a lifelong complex about food and weight.
My son (also 14) is underweight to the point that it’s been a medical concern. We talk to him the same way we talk to my 8 year old and the same way we talk to my perfectly average 14 year old daughter. Our bodies need food–lots of different types of food–and movement to stay strong and healthy so we can do what we want to do with them. Weight and shape are irrelevant to that need. We like to focus on eating lots of different colors of food–eat the rainbow–which is easier for kids to understand than “healthy” and not “healthy.” It’s also helpful to take them to the grocery with you and let them pick out things to try because the variety is good.
Anon
+1 million to RR.
Anonymous
A million times this.
Anonymous
Yes. This. Also curious feel free not to stir up a second day of drama!
Anon
Look I’m a fat person and I get the defensiveness but so many people were projecting their own sh1t onto a mom, who was just trying to respond reasonably to something her kid’s pediatrician told her to take seriously.
And anyone who thinks they have really any control over the emotions and reactions of a 13 year old girl has clearly never been a parent of one!
anon
Seriously! 13 is a rough age for girls. I was terrible to my mom and siblings. I’d like to think I turned out well adjusted and have great relationships with them now.
Also, the post was NOT ABOUT THE 13-YEAR-OLD.
Weight Loss in Kids? (OP)
Hi – I’m the OP. OF COURSE I care that my 13 year old is going through a mean phase, but that wasn’t the point of the post, nor can I only handle one parenting problem at once – I shouldn’t stop caring that my 13 year old is going through a mean phase because my 9 year old is dealing with a health issue, nor should I stop caring that my 9 year old has a health issue because my 13 year old is going through a mean phase.
Generally, I agree with the posters that the best route is to totally leave the 13 year old out of this and not force changes on her that have nothing to do with her, try to introduce healthy movement more broadly (my husband and were already talking about getting a second dog and this seems like as good a time as any) and generally see if it sorts itself out in the next few years. If it doesn’t, we’ll all be older and have more maturity to have a more open conversation about it.
And yeah, siblings fight. I think people who say I can control everything they say didn’t grow up with siblings – I know my brothers and I said some HORRIFIC things to each other, but we have a very good relationship as adults. Not saying everything siblings say or do is okay, but generally speaking, teenagers will teenager to a certain extent, and there’s a level of “growing out of it” that needs to happen.
Trish
But here you are, being the mean girl. I am talking to you Anon at 11:28.
Anon
Lol ok.
Auburn
Seriously. Hard agree. Anon @ 11:28, you’re the bully. Not the 13-YEAR-OLD you’re accusing.
Anonymous
I wish people didn’t insist that 100 commenters trying very hard to prevent a 9 year old child from being harmed were the problem here. No one made her out to be a demon. They challenged her to do more than just consider her daughters weight
Anon
Agree.
Anon
Her Pediatrician was telling her it was a problem. We say trust doctors with COVID, but not with weight?
Obesity has real health consequences. Period. The science is clear on that and the rest of it is nonsense.
That’s not to say it’s a NOW problem, but yeah, obesity is a problem and will need to be addressed if the 9 year old doesn’t grow out of it.
pugsnbourbon
I had a thought this morning – if the doc was concerned about blood pressure, make sure 9 y o doesn’t have white coat anxiety. I remember one checkup where my BP was alarmingly high, but once I was reassured I wasn’t getting a shot that day the second reading was a lot better.
Anon
+1
Curious
Pugs, fwiw, I probably painted everyone with the same brush. Your comments yesterday were thoughtful and kind.
Anonymous
“The science is clear on that and the rest of it is nonsense.”
No. The science is absolutely not at all clear on that and there is a whole lot of nonsense that is touted as scientific fact in this space.
Anon
Disagree.
You’re the older one so you think that. My older sister relentlessly bullied me, and my parents allowed it. She never stopped being a horse’s behind to me because there were never consequences to her for it. I have not spoken to her in years and hope to never do so again.
My husband has a similar story: youngest kid and his middle brother was and still is a horse’s behind to him, and they no longer have a relationship.
Cruelty isn’t a stage.
Anon
Cruelty isn’t a stage for your sister. I don’t think we have enough information here to know if cruelty is a stage for OP’s 13 year old or if it’s a lifelong thing.
Don’t project your childhood onto this issue.
anon
There was so much projection yesterday, it was insane. It was clear the mom was really trying to do her best and is more than aware of the potential landmines, and yet people piled on.
Anon
I agree, it was a total pile on of people projecting.
Anon
Curious projected her childhood. If you aren’t comfortable with the way you treated your siblings, call them up and say you are sorry and they didn’t deserve it.
Anon
Yeah I think a lot of people are way too quick to write off terrible behavior from a sibling as normal sibling rivalry. The most common but least reported form of domestic abuse is sibling abuse.
RR
I’ve had this conversation with my 14 year old daughter. I’ll talk to her about how she treats her sister, and she will tell me that her sister is annoying and she will be nice to her when she stops being annoying. I finally told her that she can’t put her sister on the shelf and come back to her when she wants. Her sister is a living, breathing person, and if she (my older daughter) continues as she is going, her younger sister is not going to want a relationship by the time my older daughter decides she’s worth it. I will say, that actually seemed to hit with her. She’s been much better every since. She’s still a 14 year old girl and frankly mean some days, but it’s not directed at her younger sister and not so nasty and constant as it was.
anon
That thread was rough. It was clear to me that the mom is really trying to be mindful of the potential landmines, yet people wouldn’t quit piling on and basically called her a crummy parent, in so many words. There are so many nuances to these situations, and it’s impossible to convey every part of a family’s dynamics. I had a similar experience on the main site recently, and I think that was enough to make me quit posting anything parenting-related there. Heaven help us if we aren’t perfect, our kids aren’t perfect, and things are going off the rails despite our best efforts. Lots of people extrapolating from their own demons, and pushing them onto the OP. Some of that is valuable, but some of those comments were just straight up unnecessary.
Yesterday’s poster, if you’re reading this, know that I actually thought about you a lot yesterday and am rooting for you.
Weight Loss in Kids? (OP)
Thank you for your kind words. To be fair to the posters, I think a lot of them aren’t parents, but are trying to speak to their personal situations as kids…which, while relevant to some extent, often ignores a lot of the nuance in parenting. I was a 13-year old girl at some point, same with a 9 year old girl, but parenting them is a whole different ballgame than being at those ages my self.
I think each family often also has it’s own dynamics, and posts like this really can’t convey the nuance in each family dynamic. Weight is also a super sensitive topic here generally, so I don’t think that helped.
Another anon
OP, my takeaway from yesterday’s thread was that you are a good mom trying to do what is best for your kids.
Anon
That was my takeaway as well!
People here tend to get really carried away when childrens weight/health habits are discussed.
anon
I was that 9-year-old, and I applaud you for trying to deal with this. This won’t help, but there’s a lot more to help deal with it today — all we had was ball sports, co-ed gym, and the Presidential Fitness training tests in PE. And a tiny mother who didn’t understand. There IS some sport out there for her, probably a solo one, which luckily she may have as a PE option these days.
The sugar fixation . . . I dunno . . .I’m over it now. I wish somehow I’d been forced to go cold turkey with it. As most of us know, after three days (and a terrible headache), you’re over it. If I could go back in time, that’s the one thing I’d fix , and I’d use a drastic measure. Children just can’t use moderation in this instance the way adults can.
Anonymous
If you don’t want to hear from non parents feel free to post on the mom’s page
DallasAnon
I know I brought in some of my issues with my mom yesterday but I also think you are a good mom trying to do good for both of your daughters. I hope it goes well for you.
Anonymous
I totally agree as someone who was recently vilified for a similar issue. There is absolutely nothing any parent can say to placate these rabid commenters. Which honestly made me feel like I’m going to F up no matter what I do so what I do doesn’t matter.
Anon
I think this is actually the essential truth of parenting. You’re always going to F up some things because every kid is different and it’s impossible to know for sure what the best strategy is for every individual person. Most of it won’t matter, some of it will, but you just do your best.
Anon
The childless parenting experts are so exhausting.
anonnn
hahahhaha LOUDER, PLEASE.
Honestly. Until I had a kid I thought I knew a lot because, well, I was a kid once. There are few truths greater than this one.
Anon
If someone only wants advice from individuals with kids, they should post on the moms site.
Anon
The people commenting “I’d rather have a fat child than a mean one”??? Y’all are psychopaths? You’re pitting two CHILDREN against each other. It’s not a competition, she is clearly trying to do right by both her kids, and I am genuinely sorry that some of you had such difficult childhoods that THAT is your reaction to the OP’s thoughtful question.
anon
+1. Work this stuff out on therapy, not on a poster who asked a thoughtful question.
Anon
I had a great childhood (and have been a healthy weight for my entire life, fwiw) and +1-ed that comment. I’m not saying to ignore the 9 year old’s weight but the cruel comments from the 13 year old would be a bigger issue to me. As RR eloquently said, the 13 year old may well outgrow it in a year (I don’t disagree that it’s fairly normal teenage behavior), but the damage done to the 9 year old in the meantime will be permanent. Addressing and shutting that down would be my top priority as a parent. And yes I have kids.
Vicky Austin
OK, if anyone feels up for a slightly fluffy distraction, I need some shoe shopping help.
My sister is getting married at the end of June and I will be flying to be in her wedding. She has a specific pair of shoes she wants us to wear for the wedding itself, so I am trying to find something that will work for both the rehearsal dinner (nice restaurant setting) and bachelorette evening out so I’m not bringing ALL the shoes in my suitcase. I’m planning to wear a black velvet jumpsuit for bachelorette evening; not sure yet about the rehearsal dinner but trying to shop my closet, where the front-runners are bright yellow, dark red, or navy with white and black.
Any ideas for me?
Curious
Tell us about those red shoes. They sound fabulous for the bachelorette. Is there a way to make them not too sexy for the rehearsal dinner?
Vicky Austin
Oh, sorry – those are the dresses I was planning to choose between for the rehearsal dinner, not shoe options! I need something that will go with both the bachelorette jumpsuit and one of those. Gah, phrasing. Sorry!
Curious
Ahahaha no that was chemo brain. Got it. Do you have any gaps in your shoe collection you are looking to fill? Budget? Any comfort considerations? Open or closed toe preference?
Vicky Austin
Ooh, good questions!
Gaps: Yes. My only pair of basic black heels are decidedly scruffy. I also don’t really have any heels that are not Work Heels.
Budget: probably up to $150 but that’s a lot for a shoe for me, so it’d have to be a good one.
Comfort: Always a plus but not a requirement.
Toes: no preference!
Curious
I really like Bandolino as a mid-level brand. Something like this might be cute and versatile? https://www.shopstyle.com/g/women/bandolino/madia-ankle-strap-sandal/866406213
Anonymous
A metallic in your most flattering shade would work with both black and red.
Anon
I was going to say, get a pair of party shoes in a metallic. Get a heel you can bear to stand and walk in. You will have tons of use for these for future events.
DeepSouth
The Dolce Vita Paily slide is everywhere. I have it in black and nude and love them. They imply the puffy trend, but aren’t insane and I find myself wearing them with pants to work bc they are so comfy and the do not make any sort of flip flop sound, which I abhor.
Nordstrom has a ton of colors.
Anonymous
Target has an exact dupe for a hundred dollars less. I bought both the DV and Target pairs in Cafe to compare, and they were nearly identical. Search “braided sandal” from A New Day
Anon
Does anybody have that Quince sweater listed and could you comment on sizing?
Cornellian
My computer won’t click through on the link but if it’s the Mongolian Cashmere Tee, I’d say it’s pretty true to size. I’m broad shouldered sort of athletic (a-b cup) 5’4 and 118-ish, and the small is good on me. I could go smaller, maybe, but it would end up being sort of cropped. I’ve only had the sweater six months or so but it seems good quality.
Anonymous
I am 5’4 and 190 with broad shoulders and chest, medium bust, muscular arms, and a taper at the waist, and the large is good on me. It is cashmere, so can be a bit warm, but I have worn it in spring alone with jeans to go out and under a suit. I am very happy with the quality.
Paging black & white sundress
So maybe not quite what you’re looking for, but this is definitely a bold, mostly black and white dress option:
https://www.uniqlo.com/us/en/products/E447565-000/00?colorDisplayCode=09&sizeDisplayCode=004
It popped up in my feed on an ad and jogged my memory for your request. -pugsnbourbon