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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 567 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Sophia dress in silk tricotineSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. J.Crew has had the Sophia dress forever, which I think says a lot about the cut, the fabric, and more. Select colors are marked from $185 to $49-$69 — including black and a nice date-night red. Sophia dress in silk tricotine (L-2) P.S. May everyone have a great three-day weekend and enjoy MLK Day!

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Research, Not Law

    If you have FTE/hours allocated to different projects, how do you keep track? Specifically, how do you assure that you’re working the appropriate number of hours on each project? Do you schedule the hours onto your calendar? Do you track as you go and adjust during the week?

    I feel like I’m always fudging and guessing at the end of the week, and often I feel like I’m not hitting the right allocation. I work on long-term projects, so there’s no immediate check. I feel like this should be obvious, but I’m failing miserably.

      • Research, Not Law

        So what does that look like? Do you record the time you start and end each task?

    • w

      try toggl.com. It color codes and can make weekly pie charts etc. you just have to click a start/stop button while working. They have a free phone app too.

    • Margaret

      Most people I know (in the legal field) keep a notepad next to their desk and write down the time as they start and stop each project, quit and return to a project, switch projects, etc. Then you add up the time and enter it in to your system daily or weekly, per your preference and company policy (my preference is daily, company policy is every 3 days). I’ve tried a few more savvy strategies, including online tracking software, and pencil/paper is still the best. My notepad will look like this:

      Statute of Limitations brief for Client A: 900-1040, 1230-345, 400-845
      Review docs for Client B: 1045-1200, 845-915
      Conference call with Client C: 345-400

      • Amelia Bedelia

        thought I must admit, it often looks like this
        Client A work: 9 – 10.10
        corporette reading: 10.10 – 10.38
        Client B work: 10.38 – 11.30
        surfing on links recommended by corporette: 11.30 – 12.10
        freak out because not billing enough: 12.10 – 12.20
        Client A/B/C/D work like a mad woman: 12.20 – 4.10
        corporette . . .

        you get the point.

        • Research, Not Law

          I’m afraid that’s what mine will look like as well.

          Thanks for the tip, all. I’ll try the notepad approach next week.

        • Hel-lo

          Ha!

          Mine looks more like
          .2 Phone call to client A.
          .1 Emailing with client B.
          .4 Drafting letter on client C’s case.

          I don’t write the exact times. It helps to write down the time as soon as you’ve done it. Use the clock on your phone for the length of phone calls.

          I also set myself a goal of billing X hours per day. The software program I’m using keeps track of how much I’ve billed that day, so if I’m far away from the goal in the afternoon, I close my email so I don’t keep getting the Corporette emails. :)

      • Red

        I’m only doing per diem work now while looking for a job, but I do the notebook thing with start and finish time, and cut out break time.

    • Lawyer Bird

      I record on a Google calendar, and transfer to my timesheets biweekly. Our system doesn’t allow us to record on the timesheet daily, or else I’d do that. I can’t remember what I did a few days ago unless I’ve noted it, and the Google calendar works well for that. I created a separate calendar for timekeeping.

    • tika55

      I am in consulting, but I use an excel file. The rows are half hour increments from about 7 am to 9 pm, and the columns are each day of the week. I have a tallying system at the bottom which sums up the hours per task for each day so I can enter it into our timekeeping software at the end of the week. You do have to update the tallying area if you add a new project, but otherwise it’s very easy. You could do 15 min increments instead of 30 if that works better. I have been doings this for about 2 years and it works much better for me than anything else I have tried.

      • Consulting

        That is a great idea! If I wasn’t happy with my iPhone system, and often on a mobile devise instead of a normal computer, I would be tempted to use this.

        I use HoursTracker, and that works pretty well for me. I always add the hours at the end of the day, if I forgot to do it throughout the day, which is what I normally try to do. It can automatically calculate before tax and after tax earnings, which is helpful for me because it reminds me I have to pay taxes…

        Don’t forget to include legitimate breaks…if I take a break of about ten minutes per hour, then I count it in my hours. If I take a longer break….like surfing the web for an hour…then I clock it under “goofing off,” with an hourly wage of zero. Seeing that in with the rest of my hours helps keep me honest!

    • Consulting

      Regarding portions of FTEs devoted to different projects – sometimes you just have to put in the time to do the work. My goal is on average to work the correct amount of hours for what I am billing, and to divide my time up appropriately among my different projects, but sometimes a project just takes longer and is worth the time.

      I posted below about the technical aspect of time tracking…I use HoursTracker on my iPhone and do it as I go or once a day.

  2. GRA

    I have the Sophia dress in dark green. I bought it five years ago and still wear it to several formal-ish events each year. It is a fantastic dress (and it often goes on sale!).

    • jr

      I have been eyeing this dress for a while. This weekend might be it! Any tips on sizing?

      • Anne-on

        Agreed – this is a great formal, but not overly formal, classic dress. I have it in Navy and wear it often! Due to the inset waistband its a little narrow through the ribcage – if you’re at all busty you may want to size up. Its also a bit revealing (the neck does plunge a bit) for those who are more well endowed.

      • GRA

        I find this dress runs true to size for JCrew sizing (although like I originally said, I bought it five years ago). The waistband is just below my chest … right around the ribcage. I am not busty and while the dress is a bit revealing (some cleavage) I have no worries about anything popping out.

    • LizM

      I used the Sophia dress as my bridesmaids dresses a couple years ago, in dark brown. Most of my bridesmaids still wear it. In ran a little small on top, my bustier bridesmaid had to buy a size up and have the waist taken in. But for $70, that’s well worth it.

    • AP

      FYI: If anyone has been eyeing the Sophia in silk tricotine, get the sale version now. I noticed their new version (not on sale) is polyester, not silk, and the same high price! Boo.

    • Amelia

      You should wear what makes you feel awesome! For myself, I think I would wear this with no worries (I’m 28). I can’t imagine my 35 year old self’s opinion, since I’ve noticed my style changes toward the more conservative each year I age.

      • Anon

        Thanks!
        I consider myself a young 35. I’m moderately trendy (within reason) and I think I look 5-7 years younger than I am.

      • SFMK

        According to Lucky, sheer is “in” now. And actually, they have several pages dedicated to how to layer sheer stuff to avoid it being see-through!

    • Bonnie

      I love the color. I wear nude camis a lot with sheer shirts just because I don’t like my belly button to be quite so visible.

  4. anon

    Sometime recently I saw someone here recommend the new Base Escentuals Matte mineral makeup. I need new foundation today, would someone be kind enough to share what the difference is between the Matte and the original? FWIW, I have oily, acne-prone skin… still… at age 31. I do clean my face brush regularly and all that jazz. I just need new stuff ASAP before a trip.

    • Can't wait to quit

      With your skin description, you will love the matte version. I like it for summer when my skin is oilier, but in the Winter my skin is so dry I use a cream foundation instead.

    • Red

      on that makeup talk the other day someone mentioned that they switched from MB to pur minerals, which i see at ulta all the time but has mixed review online. anyone have anything good to say about pur minerals?

      • NDR

        I was the one that just switched. I went to Ulta over the weekend b/c I had run out of Bare Minerals, and I just hadn’t been pleased with it lately. Oddly, in the summer it’s great, but in the fall/winter it doesn’t feel like it stays on all day, even with the primer and all over powder.

        I’ve been wearing the Pur Minerals 4-in-1 all week and have actually noticed that it stays on better. She also recommended the Urban Decay primer (brightening) over Smashbox – or anything else. I like it, too, but can’t say it’s changing my life.

        And, finally, I got one of the Olay spinny brushes and am in love with it.

        My beauty monologue is over.

        • anon

          Talking about oily skin, does anybody have a primer that really makes a difference with oil control? I’ve been using Murad oil-control mattifier, but am not as impressed as I’d expected. Was thinking of trying Smashbox or Dr. Brandt?

          • Anne-on

            This sounds totally weird, but makeup artists I know swear that a little bit of monistat anti-chafing gel works just as well as expensive primers and controls oil fairly well. If you google it you should find some reviews – given how cheap it is, maybe worth a shot?

          • eh230

            I think it is probably expensive in real life (I get a discount), but I have been using ReVive Protectif Serum, and it has done a great job at controlling oil.

          • v

            I have pretty oily skin and use MAC primer and foundation and have been very happy with it. It’s pretty gentle on my skin and gives nice coverage. My skin doesn’t seem to “eat” this make-up the way it does other products. I use MAC pressed powder and a couple brush strokes of a bare minerals bronzer to finish it off. I use Bobby Brown eerything else, but love the MAC foundation products.

          • Lyssa

            I’ve used the anti-chafing gel, and I have mixed feelings about it. It does make a difference in how my make up “sits” and covers my face, and I do think it stays nicer longer with it. However, I really feel like I can feel it on my face – it makes my face feel much more make-up-y, and, even though it doesn’t look greasier, it feels it, if that makes sense. Plus, I’ve noticed that I really tend to break out after using it.

            So, I’ve stuck it in a drawer and only pull it out for a special occassion, like a time that I’m going to be photographed. I don’t think it’s worth the trouble for every day use, and I probably won’t buy it again.

          • Red

            The mary kay oil mattifier is good, but honestly dealing with the beauty reps is kind of annoying.

          • AT

            The best mattifying gel in my experience is the one that Avon makes that is something like gel-to-powder, or powder-matte gel (sorry, can’t remember the name), but after using it daily for a few weeks I noticed my skin was getting dry (but still oily, so it’s not like it “cured” my oiliness), so I only use it when I really really need to stay matte for a long time. For daily use now I use Smashbox Photofinish Light, which I love. During weekend days if I’m just hanging out/being casual I use Philosophy The Present. It’s not at mattifying as the Smashbox (or Avon), but I love how it feels/smells, and it does a decent job. I should note that I don’t wear foundation or powder over any of these. Also, I did try the Monistat years ago, but like Lyssa found that it “felt” greasier and heavier, even though it didn’t “look” that way.

        • Red

          thanks! Pur appeals to me because it’s in a compact, I do my make up on the go a lot so i can’t mess with BM.

    • Blue

      I have combination skin (oily on the T-zone, dry in the cheeks) and I use the matte and like it. I’ve never used the original kind though, so I can’t really comment on the difference.

    • Jane Iredale

      You might also try Jane Iredale’s PurePressed® Base Mineral Foundation – SPF 20. I really like it. Same skin as you (though older). You can buy them in beauty supply-type stores and salons.

      Link to follow to avoid risk of moderation.

        • anon

          thanks! I have used her makeup before and I actually really like it – how do you apply it, though? I found that I didn’t like the supplied puff much and that the foundation brushes I have didn’t work well (both a BE-type brush and a traditional liquid foundation brush).

          • halla

            I use a brush made by ecotools, which I think I got at target, and am very happy with it.

          • Jane Iredale

            Sorry – just seeing this now. I buy round, flat sponge puffs at the drugstore and use them in lieu of the puffs that come with the powder. I buy them in packs of three for a few dollars. The application is heavier and smoother.

    • 30

      I have acne-prone, combination skin and I have used both the original and the matte. I prefer the matte.

  5. Anonymous

    Happy long weekend, I hope everyone gets some time off and maybe has a chance to do a service project to honor the legacy of Dr. King. Random question that in no way reflects the previous statement:

    Do any of you ladies have advice about dealing with a bad relationship/soured relationship with one’s family? One of my New Year’s resolutions is to improve my relationship with my parents and sister, but I find that whenever I’m around them it’s too easy for me to drop into old habits (and basically turn into my teenaged self). I want to be able to set boundaries/get over my resentments and also get to a place where I can regard my parents and sister as friends/equals rather than the screwy relationship we have now. Any tips advice or book recommendations would be great.

    • Seattleite

      “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud. IIRC, it’s written from a Christian perspective, but if that’s not your frame of reference and you can think ‘wisdom-of-the-ages’ or ‘higher power’ it has some good stuff.

      And good for you for recognizing that you turn into your teenaged self. I suspect that few of our teenaged selves brought out the best in our parents.

      Advice? Think about what the triggers for you are. What are you saying to *yourself* when M&D say things that bother you? Is there a different interpretation you could put on that statement? Example: Mom: “When are you going to settle down and give me babies?” Teenaged you: “Nothing I do is ever good enough why can’t she be happy about my job?” Adult you: “Mom is worried about being too old to be a good grandma.” Stuff like that.

      Given that everyone’s ‘why I can’t get along with my family’ is different, though, this is a perfect candidate for a few sessions with a therapist, to help you figure out patterns and triggesr.

    • Be Aware

      Perhaps I am projecting here, but I would seriously consider whether this is your typical “I need to learn to by healthier in my relationships with my parents” or your parents are exhibiting signs of pathology. If the former, I agree with the previous poster. If the latter, I disagree and think you have to protect yourself (may mean no contact, may not, not sure — not sure for myself).

      • Be Aware

        Just saw that previous poster is Seattleite. Actually, I find myself agreeing with Seattleite a lot.

        • Seattleite

          Thanks! And back atcha, since I agree that if there’s a pathology there she needs to protect herself. Separation while she emotionally detaches could be helpful. BTDT with my own family of origin. Now I’m back, with much better boundaries.

          • anon

            Thanks so much for the detailed post below. It’s going to make a big difference in how I deal with my family.

    • a.

      It helps me to remind myself that I cannot change my parents (especially my dad), but that I can change my reaction to them. A lot of times this means taking a deep breath, and choosing not to engage; other times it means absenting myself for a few minutes to decompress/regain my adult perspective/throw things/cry. I have also been saying “Dad, we’ve been over this enough times that we need to agree to disagree. I will not talk about this anymore,” which appears to be working.

      • CT

        I’ve found especially that when I see the signs of a bad conversation beginning (lately it’s been weird arguments with my mom over marriage) I just say “I don’t think we should talk about this” and we all sort of move on. It’s remembering to do that and resisting the temptation to engage that is the difficult part. Maybe that’s not the healthiest way to deal with it, but it seems a lot better than having the same argument over and over.

        • Monday

          I had to basically declare certain topics off limits for a while with both of my parents. The problem is that some people can’t accept boundaries either–so we went from fighting about Topic X to fighting about the fact that I wasn’t willing to talk about Topic X anymore. I think I should check out the book recommendation mentioned above!

          I also very much agree with the diagnosis of slipping back in to your teenage self. So hard to get out of old patterns.

    • Anonymous

      I’m the original anon, thanks for all the great tips! For further context, there is no pathology with my family, when I was younger they were abusive, but they are no longer that way (they were mostly just really young parents who thought that it was ok to hit your kid when they misbehaved, but often did it in anger so it went too far and lasted until I moved out of the house).

      Now I just find that I’m so angry at them all the time, that I can’t spend more than a few minutes in the same room with them without falling into old patterns.

      Of course, that’s just my situation, and feel free to elaborate on your own because it may be helpful to someone else, and it also helps give me perspective on mine!

      • s

        I feel that way too–just so angry all of the time when I’m around my family that it’s hard to analyze what’s actually happening.

        The book that helped me recognize this (and start addressing it) was actually the Gift of Fear. Self-help/relationship books tend to make me feel like I’m in a freshman psych class: I start thinking it all is so applicable and true and whatever else. The Gift of Fear is the only one that has really stayed relevant long after I read it.

      • Seattleite

        Please challenge your assertion that there is no pathology. You are angry at them all the time. That is not healthy. I suspect that you’ve tried to ‘move on’ from your past, without fully grieving and emotionally separating from them.

        My own parents were very young and had too many kids for their limited emotional, physical, and financial resources. As the oldest, I bore the brunt of that, long into adulthood. It took me a long time to figure out how that affected my dealings with my own husband and kids.

        I was angry for a long time – angry that they put themselves in that situation, angry that they buried their heads when dysfunction was obvious, angry that they didn’t care enough to protect me from themselves. There was no physical abuse, but borderline emotional abuse and inept parenting.

        Here’s what helped:
        1) Therapy;
        2) Limited contact – no holidays or other ‘loaded’ occasions – while I defended my seedling boundaries;
        3) A pre-set exit plan if things got rocky during visits;
        4) Thinking of my parents not as parents, with all the expectations that word implies, but as a fairly nice older couple who had known me from childhood and wanted to stay in touch with me;
        5) Pretending I’m an anthrolopogist, watching the native tribe and trying to figure out the reasons for the dysfunctional behavior;
        6) Thinking hard about my parents’ relationships with their own parents;
        7) Accepting that my parents had limitations, evidenced by the fact that they couldn’t/wouldn’t do the work to be healthy, and I would. End result is that although I love my parents, there is nothing about which I would seek their advice, and nothing about which I need or want their approval. It was sad but incredibly liberating.

        There’s another exercise I did, but it’s long to explain so will post separately.

        • Seattleite

          For those times when I reacted emotionally (like my teenaged self, or my no-boundaries self):
          1) Close my eyes and locate where in my body I’m feeling the emotion – stomach queasy? neck tight?
          2) Remember the earliest time that I ever felt that sensation;
          3) What was going on? Who else was there?
          4) Send my grown-up self back to tell that child-self what I wish someone had said to me then. (Offer acceptance, love, validation, advocacy, etc.)
          5) Invite the child-self to come forward in time and live with me now, stopping as necessary for adult-self to soothe child-self through other difficult events.

          This sounds impossibly new-agey to logical, analytical me, but it really does help. It is a difficult exercise but gets easier with time and practice. I did sob my way through the first 10 or 15 times, though.

          • Anonymous

            Seattleite, thank you for being so candid and sharing so much about how you’ve dealt with this issue. I’ve tried something very similar to these techniques, and it really does work, especially in that moment.

      • Consulting

        Have you read Co-Dependent No More? It’s written for wives/husbands/children of alcoholics but I think it has wide applicability. A classic for sure…

    • Hel-lo

      I also tend to revert to my (bratty, entitled, obnoxious) teenage self when I’m with my family. I’m ok with just my parents, but when my siblings are there, I think we all go back into our old grooves.

      But then my stepmom made a comment the last time I was there. She referred to me as independent. I think of my “adult” self as independent, but not my annoying teenage self. So I realized that she is thinking of me as “adult” me, and not teenage me. Which changed the way I am thinking about her.

      So no advice, except to realize that your parents can still treat you as your childish self… but intellectually they know you’ve grown up, too. They just miss the time when you needed them more.

    • Ruby

      happy long weekend to you.. happy regular weekend to me. my company doesn’t do minor holidays. jealous! enjoy.

      • ANP

        Even worse: I work as an administrator in a high school. Kids are off on Monday but I still have to report! Boo, hiss.

      • CSF

        This is the first law firm I’ve worked for that didn’t take federal or “court” holidays off. Not veteran’s day, not MLK day, not even Easter! This firm definitely needs more mandated long weekends.

  6. Baby Shower

    I’m hosting a wedding shower in a few weeks, and I’d love some suggestions on catering. The shower starts at 2, and there will be about 20 women at my house. I’d like to serve heavy apps (I’ll also order a cake). I’m not much of a cook, and honestly would prefer not to deal with preparing the apps myself.

    I don’t want to blow the budget out of the water, but am willing to spend some money to reduce the stress of prep. Any suggestions on where to start, and what a reasonable budget might be? I’m in Arlington, VA, if that helps.

    • KinCA

      Do you have a gourmet grocery store near by? The one near me makes great trays for parties with different kinds of apps and desserts – it’s my go to for entertaining when I don’t have a lot of time to prepare.

      • Research, Not Law

        Was going to suggest the same. Get a veggie/fruit tray and a cold cut tray; supplement with 2-3 cheeses laid out with knives, olives, and crackers/baguette.

    • Fellow arlingtonian

      I’d suggest Wegmans…It’s kind of far (I live in Pentagon city and make a weekly trek to the Wegs in FFX, but they have few other locations in PW and Loudoun. Their prepared foods are fantastic, their catering is very reliable and always ready on time, exactly what you ordered, etc. I’ve never hosted a shower, but I imagine for something liek this you want lots of desserts, maybe girly stuff? they do great cakes and cookies…their original chocolate cake is perfect and I usually HATE choc. cake. I’m originally from upstate NY, where Wegmans is based, so forgive me if I sound like an add for them…I’m not, I just love them. I really can’t speak to thier prices compared to other places, because i’ve always used them for catering stuff, but just knowing how expensive Arlington is, I imagine that they are reasonable!

      • Baby Shower

        Don’t know why I typed “wedding” shower in the message! – it’s a baby shower.

        And both suggestions are great ones. I didn’t realize that grocery stores would do appetizers – I think of them only as preparing sandwiches, if anything. I was already advised to buy the wine at Wegman’s, so it’s even better if they can handle the food and the dessert as well. Thanks so much!

      • ks

        Oh Wegmans! Used to live in DC area, miss them profoundly….while it sounds ridiculous it is true – it is an amazing store!

      • Charlotte

        Just saw your post about Wegman’s…. I’m a fellow upstate-NY native, too! Are you by chance from the Buffalo area?

      • Another Sarah

        Second, third, fourth, and fifth Wegman’s! I make quarterly trips out to the FFX Wegman’s, which everyone knows about because I can’t stop talking about it for the two weeks leading up to the trip and the two weeks after the trip. :-D

    • NDR

      Whole Foods actually does a terrific job catering and is quite reasonable. They will deliver or have it ready for pick up (at least my store will).

      I’m an event planner (but in TN, so take my budget FWIW). We usually budget $15-25, depending on type of food, per person for a reception with 3-4 hors d’oeuvres and a couple of bite sized desserts. For an in-store caterer, they already have the food onsite, so their overhead will be lower, making them more able to work within a budget. They should also take your platters / serving pieces and plate the food on them, so you don’t need to worry about transferring from plastic or cartons to real stuff.

      • v

        Second on Whole Foods. Pick up a combo of their prepared items and some of their cheeses (pasteurized!) and some crackers, chips, olives, etc. You can make a really nice spread with all that. One of my go-to party items is to pick up a dozen or two of their mini-cupcakes and a box of berries (raspberries or blue berries), take the cupcakes out of the plastic container, arrange on a plate and stick a berry on top of each (you should be sure the icing is at room temp before doing this so you can kind of “smoosh” the berry in). Looks really cute and semi-homemade.

      • Anonymous

        Third Whole Foods. They did a great job for an department offsite. Call the local store and have them email a catering menu, order over the phone, pick it up, done. And the trays, etc. were nice too.

    • NOLA

      I’ve done this kind of shower and I did mini quiches, hummus, stuffed grape leaves, then a couple of things I made. You can buy a lot of frozen apps at Sam’s and I bought the hummus and grape leaves at a local Middle Eastern restaurant. One of the guests asked what to bring so I was able to farm out the cake. She got one from Whole Foods in a baby shower theme and it was beautiful and they made it to match the theme colors.

      • CSF

        We always go to Sams and get their appetizers. They are quite popular and not that expensive. The pinwheels are good, swedish meatballs, brownies, etc.

        I second the suggestion to also farm out things to bring, because people most likely will offer.

    • Niktaw

      Costco frozen case has several types of appetizers that need to be heated/prepared in an oven. All you need to do it turn on the oven and take’em out when they are ready.
      The advantage of Costco over any other grocery store is, of course, large quantities – other stores usually sell frozen appetizers in boxes of 10-12.

      • jr

        I was going to suggest frozen apps from Costco, too. They also have sandwich trays, soups (soup in teacups?), veggie and fruit platters, etc.

        I always like to look at the frozen apps at Trader Joe’s, too.

      • PT Lawyer

        Another vote for Costco — you can do almost the entire shower/party from them, if you’re willing to heat things up. They also have veg/fruit platters (please reassemble on your good platter!), fizzy drinks in bulk, fresh flowers, etc.

        Don’t forget some nice linens and decor, and program your ipod for mellow but upbeat music.

      • Nonny

        I highly recommend Costco stuffed portobello mushrooms, and Costco mini-quiches. They have saved my hostessing life multiple times.

        • bakema

          Second Costco mini quiches – they are yummy!

          Also second (fourth?) Whole Foods – their fruit platters are always the tastiest fruit imaginable, and their cheese/fruit platters are excellent too.

    • Lurker

      It’s a bit of a drive, but the last baby shower I hosted I picked up mezze from Mediterranean Bakery and Cafe on S. Pickett in Alexandria. It was also a 2:00 baby shower for about 15 people. The food cost a little over $100, and we had a ton leftover. No website, but you should be able to find the phone number on yelp

    • L

      I swear by Costco. We threw a kickas* cocktail hour with apps all from Costco. We ordered two shrimp platters, veggie and fruit, got a ton of dips (hummus and blue crab were big hits), and cheese/crackers. The most prep we did was pre-slicing the cheeses. They also make these pinwheels which are pretty delicious. If you wanted to do a little more prep, you could wander down the appetizer section and make a few hot items.

    • L

      I swear by Costco. We threw a cocktail hour with apps all from Costco. We ordered two shrimp platters, veggie and fruit, got a ton of dips (hummus and blue crab were big hits), and cheese/crackers. The most prep we did was pre-slicing the cheeses. They also make these pinwheels which are pretty delicious. If you wanted to do a little more prep, you could wander down the appetizer section and make a few hot items.

      Read more: https://corporette.com/2012/01/13/weekend-open-thread-116/#ixzz1jNPapkkd

      • spacegeek

        Most of our parties are “by Costco”. As in, buy all ingredients there and everything is straight-forward! And we entertain at least 2-3 times/month from 15 people to 40! :-)

    • Locomotive

      There’s a Harris Teeters in Arlington (Ballston) that is a nice fancy grocery store that has good prepared food.

    • Another Zumba Fan

      If you do go to the Wegmans in Fairfax on the weekend, pack plenty of patience. It gets very, very, very crowded.

    • darby

      My go-to is having a Chinese restaurant deliver dim sum. It’s easy to source where I live, so that may not be an option for you, but if it is, it’s always been a big hit & reasonable. I’ve ordered a variety of dumplings to please different food preferences & put out cheese & crackers & some other things to nibble on. I also serve on my own platters, use my own plates, etc.

    • Ruby

      for one: make it pregnant-friendly. the one I went to last week for a pregnant friend (and I am also preg) – the family of hers who ordered the catering had no idea if the blue cheese all over the salad was pasteurized, what was in the pasta salad, etc. We are the hungriest ones and need to eat:) Also put some food out right away. THis one was 4 hrs and they made us play games before food, started at noon. Was miserable. healthy stuff, not just sugary junk.

    • Lawyer Bird

      Trader Joe’s has great appetizers. I’d suggest getting several packages of appetizers from them along with several jars of their sauces. I really like the caramelized onion and feta in pastry puffs, and the crab and langostino rangoons, and the sweet chili sauce, and the mango chutney, and about a zillion other things.

  7. Can't wait to quit

    I must rant. The solution to the following annoying situation has already been decided, and is described in my nickname. But it’s SOOOO hard to wait until the date I have chosen. Today’s situation illustrates why. One of our executives ordered pizza for the whole office today (120+ people). I knew this, but as I am trying to lose a few pounds I brought my lunch. My boss then “suggested” (i.e. if you don’t join in the “fun” it shows up on your review that you are “not a team player”) that our department all bring our pizza into the conference room and have a “fun” lunch together. I took my lunch from home into the conference room with me, and it was commented on by every. single. person. at the table. Why is my choice to eat slightly healthy up for discussion? Why was it not appropriate for me to answer the comments with “I don’t want to look like you when I’m 50…”? AAAAGH! I often indulge at office lunches, and never say anything about the no-carb guy who picks the toppings off his pizza, or the woman who only eats a green salad with no fat/carbs/protein. I am not particularly overweight (5’1″, 135.5lbs this morning), but I would feel more comfortable minus some pounds and it just made me so mad to have my choices examined and have to say something self-deprecating in reply instead of something snotty.

    Thanks for tuning in – I do feel better!

    • Red

      I try to eat healthy most teh time, but in situations like that I’ll just have a small portion. or tell them you’re lactose intolerant or that you don’t like pizza! for example, i legit don’t like chocolate cake, so whenever that’s around for a celebration i can politely decline!

      • Dorianne

        The lactose intolerant reasoning always works. No one ever questions it. Another good excuse is that you had a late breakfast.

    • anon

      “Yes, I brought my lunch. The resolution lives another day. It’s tough when I see how you all are enjoying yourselves but I’m sticking with this. Thanks for your support, teammates!”

      • Lawgirl

        I probably would’ve eaten my home lunch at my desk before or afterwards, and chit chatting while drinking my diet coke. Not that I’m taking the jerky boss’ side, but I do think it’s somewhat odd to see someone eating a bag lunch when everyone else is eating pizza in a conference room.. I’ve been to similar gatherings where some people only sip a drink and chat…. (shrug)

        • Godzilla

          Yeah, that’s what I would have done. Walking around with no food is better than walking around with something else. If people ask where your food is, just say you ate already. Done and done.

          • anon

            Agree. I sympathize with you OP, but I think you’re making this situation harder than it has to be :(

          • Ruby

            that’s what i often do (vegetarian). cram my real food in before/after and play along subtley for a bit at the event.

        • Sparky

          I see nothing wrong with bringing your own lunch and it was rude of others to comment on it. That said, you have a choice to let it upset you or not. I do not eat pizza (or drink beer, or eat sandwiches). Any time a group event involves these foods/beverages I accept that I am the outsider. I’m used to it by now and the comments don’t bother me. I think many people are not trying to offend or isolate me, and it never occurred to them to think about how their comments would make me feel. (To all who comment, NOW YOU KNOW) but let it go.

          • NOLA

            Yeah I’m always the one who is made to feel like a party pooper because I don’t drink during the day and I’m not really excited about events that involve drinking during the day. I’ve also had to remind people at work that it’s not appropriate to pull out a bottle of wine to celebrate at the end of a project when one of the team members is an alcoholic.

  8. KinCA

    Venting…someone senior to me sent an email at 5 AM this morning requesting that I have something set up in the office prior to 8 AM, when I normally don’t even have to be in until 8:30.

    Fortunately, I was up earlier than usual today and was able to make it in, but I’m a little annoyed at the extremely short notice (and also at the fact that the task was really not important enough to warrant an emergency email/an early arrival).

    Ugh.

      • KinCA

        OP here – is there a way I can politely request that I need to receive these types of requests at least the night before to be able to accomodate them? Or am I SOL because the requester is well above my pay grade?

        • Amelia Bedelia

          this has happened to me.
          I just politely respond (after I have missed the deadline request) the following:
          “Oh no, I missed this! I usually check my email for the last time at Xpm and then do not open it again until after 8am. I will finish your request as quickly as I am able this morning.”
          leave it at that. do NOT apologise.

          • AnonOne

            This. If I see such an email during off hours, I have no problem ignoring it. Rarely is something so urgent that it requires a 5 am email or for me to get to work earlier than usual. (Not a lawyer.)

          • anon

            Agree. I rarely check my work email at night or on weekends. Certainly not at 5am. I missed an email like that on a weekend once, and on Monday morning just told the partner who sent it to me I had not seen it, but would be happy to work on whatever he needed done that day. If he wants me to work on a weekend, he’s going to have to call me.

        • meme

          I think for someone very junior to the requester the only way to teach that lesson is to perfectly reasonably fail to read emails sent at 5 a.m. until you arrive at the office. You can’t really tell him/her what to do, but you can teach what works and what doesn’t.

          • Amy

            Yep. I had a boss that would routinely send emails about stuff he wanted done by 9 a.m. Monday morning at midnight on Sunday. He would not stop until all of us in the department resolved to stop reading or responding to the emails entirely, and his peevish inquiries about why no one had checked their email at 6 a.m. were greeted with smiley shrugged shoulders or blank stares. Either you train the higher-up to stop, or they train you to respond to ever-escalating ridiculous, unreasonable requests. And yes, this was unreasonable, unless there was a real, unforeseen emergency. And you know what? If it was an emergency, they would have called you.

        • LawyrChk

          I think it is completely reasonable to request notice the night before. I would probably phrase it as “For me to get there at x time in the morning, please give me notice the night before if at all possible. That way if I have a conflict I can make other arrangements to handle your assignment.” Just phrase it in a way that makes it look like you’re trying to make sure the project is handled rather than complaining about the early morning.

          Assuming not a dire emergency, what your superior did was just rude.

        • Left coaster

          This is going to sound counterintuitive, but the fact that you read your email today and got the project done might make it a little bit harder for you to avoid these requests in the future. (As someone who lives in CA but works for a lot of east coast partners, I am all too familiar with the 5 a.m. email!) You’ve already set the precedent in your superior’s mind that you will check your email early in the a.m. By contrast, if you had not checked your email and the project hadn’t gotten done, he/she would have learned his/her lesson.

          I think what you need to do, and do it soon, is email the senior person and say something like what you said above — while you checked your email early today, you are usually not able to do so, and will need notice the night before for all early a.m. requests.

    • SC

      Ha! Unless there had been prior warning, that senior person would have been SOL if they emailed me at 5 am. I check my email several times in the evenings and before I go to bed, but have a policy of not checking again until I get to work in the morning – in part because I I need “me” time in the mornings, but also because it’s more efficient to spend the time I need to get myself together and out the door without getting bogged down or distracted by emails. I think you’re right to be annoyed by this. You may not be able to do anything about it, but it strikes me as disrespectful to expect you to change your morning routine based on a 5am email. (Can you tell I’m NOT a morning person?)

    • Bonnie

      I would have pretended that I didn’t get the email. That’s a ridiculous request.

      • Nonny

        I would have pretended that I didn’t get the email. That’s a ridiculous request.

          • KinCA

            5:03 AM, to be exact.

            Any way to respectfully note to Sr. Person that 5 AM is not an appropriate time to make time-sensitive requests?

          • Nonny

            “Mr. Sr. Person, I am so glad I saw your e-mail this morning. It is really lucky that I was able to pick it up in time so I could help you. Normally my carpooling schedule/train availability/childcare responsibilities/etc. mean that it wouldn’t be possible for me to come in early on such short notice, so I’m so glad it worked out this time.”

    • Divaliscious11

      I’d say it completely sucks, and all the discussion above about boundary setting is great,

      BUT….

      You also have to know your boss (and in my case my client) … You likely can’t change their behavior (Both my bosses and clients have young children, so they send emails very late -after family time – or very early – before kids wake up), and what may result is not a change in their behavior but a decline in their reaching out to you/pushing work done. When you are the junior, you have to manage up, and move to their expectations, not expect them to change

  9. Janie

    I’m a 3L and have my job offer finally in hand (yey!). I will need to wear a conservative/court-appropriate suit every day for the foreseeable future, if not my entire career.

    I’m trying to figure out a shopping budget and schedule for suits, tops, and shoes. If you dress similarly for work, how many suits do you have, how many do you think you need, and how often do you replace them? What is the color distribution like?

    • greentea

      Can you clarify what type of budget you’re on? And space? And where you’re working?

      For what it’s worth, I clerk, am in a suit every day, in a house with no closets and only a wardrobe (the biggest limiting factor – there is no hanger space anywhere in our house), and have 7 suits, 3 of which have skirts, 4 dresses, 3 additional pants, and two additional skirts that I wear with cardigans on days when we definitely have no court. I’m growing that collection, though.

      Also, I’ve found that I need to budget around $200 for a suit as a minimum, but if I don’t need one immediately and watch sales, I can usually get a good deal ($150 or less for jacket, pants, skirt).
      I use Banana Republic, Talbots, Ann Taylor, for the most part.

      If you have time and some flex money, and aren’t changing sizes, look for suits on great sales and build up slowly over the next few months. Having $ set aside to buy a suit when there’s a great sale has helped a lot, then I’m not in a bind.

      • MeliaraofTlanth

        I’ve gotten to the point where I never pay full price for a suit at Ann Taylor or Banana Republic. They always seem to be running a 30-40% off sale. I suggest figuring out what size/style of pants you wear in the respective stores and then stalking the online sales.

    • JessC

      I don’t wear suits quite as much as you (2-3 days a week for me) and I have 5 suits, plus a handful of separates, and all my suits have a skirt and a pant option. You’ll probably need a few more than me, maybe 7-8. I highly recommend you look for suits that have skirt and pant options – you’ll get more outfits out of them and be able to cut down the total number of suits you need. I tend to stick to more classic colors/syles such as blacks, greys, and occassionally brown; solids, pinstripes, and tweeds. I tend to avoid trendy styles for my suits which prevents them from looking dated (and therefore increasing the amount of time I can wear them). As for how often I replace them – there’s no straight answer, just as often as I need/want to.
      Sounds like you’ve got a little time before you start work, so I would start looking for a few pieces right now if you can afford it. There are alot of sales this time of year. Don’t go overboard right now though, once you start working you can build your wardrobe up more as you get paid and learn a little more about the office culture. Get a few basic suits, a pari or two of classic pumps, and some nice blouses now and build up the wardrobe more once you’ve started working.

    • Hel-lo

      I discovered Burlington Coat Factory for suits a few months ago. They have them for pretty cheap. They’re not the highest quality, but perfect for during the week when you’re not in court, aren’t seeing clients, and don’t need to be in your very best suit.

    • Lawyer Bird

      I’d suggest you get 3 too start. 3 suits and 5 tops will keep you nicely dressed for 3 weeks until you get your first paycheck. I think it’s better to buy a piece at a time, rather than a lot of stuff at once; you can always mix and match and rewear until you’ve built a wardrobe you totally love.

      I think a reasonable budget is $200-250 per suit, including the blouse you wear under it. You can find good bargains at places like Nordstrom Rack, Marshall’s, etc, as well as at outlet stores.

      As for my wardrobe, I have one each of navy, brown, black and gray, one green and brown suit, and one black suit with white piping. I also have two or three jackets that can be worn with separates.

      • Homestar

        This. Three suits to start should be good. Try to get styles where you can afford the pants and the skirt. You’ll probably want to work your way up to at least 5 nice suits, plus 2 or 3 fun suits (for 7 or 8 suits total). Get the nice suits in classic neutrals (black, grey, navy, and taupe; no print or a subtle pinstripe; classic cut that won’t go out of style) and spend $200 to $300 per suit. For the fun suits, go cheaper but you can get something not so classic (red or a bolder pinstripe; a trendy cut). Also, you may need to wear suits at first, but can possibly transition to more casual clothes (watch what successful women at your firm do). After you have 3 suits to start with, your money might be better spent on buying some nice pencil skirts and cardigans before you start buying more suits.

    • Lyssa

      I’m easing out of the daily suit wear at my casual firm, but I did wear suits every day when I was clerking, and I think that I had 5-6 total, with 2-3 having both a skirt and pants. I’m making it a rule that I usually try to only buy suits with both a skirt and pants option, which pretty much doubles the wear. As noted above, I try to avoid anything not-classic.

      I’ve had really good luck at the Limited for suits, which I can usually get with sales and coupons for under $200, and they’ve lasted me pretty well. I think that you need at least 4, probably 5 options (If you do pants and a skirt, I’d call that 2 options) and a variety of shirts to keep it interesting. But I agree with the other posters not to buy all at once. Look for one now, then look for another one right before the weather gets warm (when the spring clearances really start to hit), then maybe another one when the fall turnovers happen, and sign up for the emails from Ann Taylor, Banana Repub, and the Limited – and look for sales. Oh, I’ve noticed that it is harder to find suits during the summer for some reason.

      Congrats on the job and good luck with the rest of school!

  10. A

    Yay! I’ve been waiting for the weekend open thread. I know there have been several discussions about great bags to carry to work. My husband bought me the Burberry Belted Lambskin Leather Hobo (see link below) to replace my worn out firm issued work bag. I’m unsure whether I should keep it or look for something that might work better for my needs (my husband would not be offended at all if I return the bag and find something else). I normally do not spend much on purses/bags/totes but I am in dire need of something nice and fairly indestructible to carry to/from work everyday, and I am willing to splurge for the “perfect” bag that will last a long time.

    I am looking for a bag that can fit my small laptop, wallet, cellphone, keys, sunglasses, some files and a lunch or pair of shoes. I have a new baby, so I am constantly carrying lots of work and my laptop home with me each day so that I can catch up on work after my son has gone to sleep. I have very narrow shoulders, so I need a bag with a single strap or straps that won’t constantly slip off my shoulders.

    The pros of the Burberry bag are:
    -I like how it looks and it is more stylish than a plain black tote
    -It has an internal zipped pocket with pockets where I can keep my phone, wallet, keys
    -It has two other separate compartments so I can put my laptop in one compartment and perhaps shoes or lunch in the other one
    -It stays on my shoulder and is comfortable to carry
    -It is about as large as you can go for a non-luggage type work bag

    The cons of the bag are:
    -No top zipper or closure – which is nice because it allows the bag to expand more so that I can fit more into it, but I don’t know how I feel about (1) my bag appearing open so someone can see the random pair of shoes I’m carrying and (2) someone can try to steal something, although I’m less worried about that aspect because I would keep my wallet in the internal zipped pocket
    -It is large, but kind of narrow, so it does not expand a ton
    -There are two handles – a shoulder strap (which I would use) and a non-detachable handle that sometimes gets in the way when I am trying to reach into the bag to pull out my wallet, keys or phone

    Anyone have any recommendations for work bags that might work for me? Or should I give up on the search because I think I’m 90% there with the bag I have?

    • kng

      I think this bag is lovely, but also want to recommend the foley and corinna city tote (either the large or mid city size). I have several and love em. I use them for the same purposes you’re describing above (but con: also doesnt have a top zipper)

    • gina

      How long will you be able to return the bag for refund or credit? Maybe take a look around and see if you can find something you like better before X date. If you find something, get it and return the Burberry. If you don’t find anything by X date, stop looking and start using the Burberry.

      “X date” can be the deadline for returns, or an earlier date if you need a bag sooner.

    • NYC

      Look at the bags by Lo & Sons. I just got the O.G. as a weekend bag and it was super useful on a business trip. It fit soooo much stuff and I freaking loved the organization it provided. The O.G. is probably too big for your purposes, but they have a smaller version or more traditional laptop tote shapes.

    • anon

      my vote – as long as it will fit everything you need in one bag for most days, keep the bag

    • Sparky

      There is no such thing as a “perfect” bag. With all the choices we have these days giving up the search can be difficult (because if we look harder, maybe we’ll find something better, right?) But really, I think all the searching for the “perfect” bag (or whatever, boots in my case) will lead to us feeling unsatisfied with whatever we end up choosing. If the bag is 90% right for you and a better bag is not staring you in the face, stick with it and make it yours.

      (Though, you did mention quite a list of cons… if I had that many cons I would probably hold out, especially at that price point. Also, that bag is not my style at all but you didn’t ask that question. )

    • Lawyer Bird

      If I had that budget, I would get a Mulberry bag. I think the bag your husband gave you is nice, but Mulberry has many business-y styles and they’re just so beautiful and well made. You might like the look of their more structured ones more.

    • Whit

      I’d keep looking. For that $$$, you should have a shorter list of cons.

      Second Mulberry, or what about Longchamp?

    • A

      OP here. Thanks for all the suggestions! Love the Mulberry recommendation, but at that price point I’m hesitant to buy without being able to see it in person. It doesn’t look like there are any Mulberry stores in the US besides in NY.

      As some suggested I’d like to keep looking because there are several cons to the bag, but I know that I’m the type of person that will just keep looking indefinitely and never commit, which is why I’ve been carrying around my free, ugly, firm issued tote for 4 years. I like the idea of giving myself a deadline to just decide.

  11. Hours

    Someone mentioned this morning how unusual an 8-hour workday has become. How many hours a day/week do you ladies generally work? I’m not talking billable hours, but just hours spent in your office (or working at home).

    • A

      I’m a lawyer and I would say I spend a minimum of 10 hours per day in my office or working from home.

    • P

      I think that might be more true of people who frequent this site and their peers than of people who don’t! In my old entry-level job for a large corporation, I used to work 7.5 hours a day with unpaid lunch. I’m currently in law school and work part-time in-house; I would guess that the in-house attorneys work anywhere from 7 hours a day to many when dealing with crises. On the other hand, my sister, who works for a city government, is only scheduled to work 7 hours a day with an hour unpaid lunch; in practice, her department is allowed to leave about half an hour early since the people in the department uniformly don’t take their scheduled breaks. The sad part is that she’s about five times more productive than multiple full-time coworkers combined.

    • KinCA

      I probably spend 8-8.5 hours in the office, and I normally don’t work much once I get home. However, I wake up and check my BB first thing in the morning. I normally read emails while I’m waking up/getting ready and spend my commute formulating my responses (mentally, not physically while I’m driving), so when I get in I’m ready to get right down to work.

      So probably a total of 9-9.5?

    • annoner

      I’m a 6th year in-house. 9.5 working through lunch is a very typical day for me. When I have a big deal to work on, it’s not unusual to move my days to 11-12 hours. I try really hard to not work on the weekends.

    • gina

      I spend 8 hours in the office, 10am-6pm. I don’t usually take a lunch , so I just work straight for 8 hours. I snack while I work, and 2-3 days a week I take a 10-30 minute break for a walk or to run errands. I’m a small firm attorney in my 8th year of practice.

      My first job, I worked 9 hours per day, including a (forced) working lunch everyday. That wass a smallish firm (leaning towards mid-sized).

      In my pre-law school days, I worked 8-9 hours days with a 1/2 hour or 1 hour lunch.

    • Equity's Darling

      12ish, plus usually 6-8hrs over the weekend (usually at home on the weekend).

      I know this life isn’t sustainable (e.g. I leave for work before the grocery stores open, and I get home after they close, so…that’s not cool), but I’m willing to do this for another year or two then go in-house. And I don’t have kids or a spouse, so no one is missing me, really, so I don’t feel guilty.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Thank goodness for the 24-hour grocery store in my neighborhood. It’s the laundry issue that drives me nuts. It’s so busy on the weekends that I’ve resorted to getting there at 7:30 when the laundramat opens in the morning.

    • Amelia Bedelia

      minimum ten hours a day in the office. at least two days a week, 12 hours. I try really, really hard to not work weekends other than an hour or two per weekend monitoring emails.

      • L

        somewhere in office between 8-11 with some at home (definitely if I’m only in for 8). I’m fortunate because my weekends are mostly mine with the exception of the occasional disaster.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      My answer mysteriously ended up on an above question. 10 hours/day on average and 8 hours per month of weekend work usually. So either 2 here and 2 there or one solid 8 hour day. More when facing urgent deadlines.

    • MeliaraofTlanth

      Usually about 10 or 11. This is, however, somewhat due to my ability to get easily distracted by say, corporette, and therefore wasting a lot of time transitioning between projects, particularly if I have a lot of little things to do instead of a large project that will take up a chunk of time. (I’m the junior associate on the team, so I frequently have lots of little things instead of one big thing). It would probably be less if I was more efficient with my billing (I need ~8.2 hours a day on average to get my yearly minimum)

      This is, however, the first weekend since I started last summer that I’ll have to spend any time in the office (Hello, motion that’s due on tuesday that I was just informed at noon today we–by which I mean me–were writing, despite the fact I mentioned a week ago that “if we’re making this motion, this is due the 17th, so we should think about if we’re making one”). So I guess that’s pretty good as far as lawyer hours go.

      • meara

        Yeah, I was thinking “House at work, or hours actually working?” because I know I spend too much time on here and Facebook and all that jazz! I travel about 60% of the time, so those days I tend to have 10-15 hour days (yesterday I was at the airport at 5:30AM, went straight to where I was working when I got off the plane, and worked there until about 5:30PM…and often I’d then do a bunch of work in the hotel at night). But that means days when I’m not traveling and work from home, I tend to goof off a lot more–I probably bill closer to six hours those days (but overall get about 50 hours a week, most weeks).

    • AMN

      I’m non-law, but I typically average 60 hours/week when I’m ‘at home’, and closer to 70-80/week when I’m on the road (50% of the time.) The husband has a similar schedule, so we feed into each others’ workaholism.

      It’s not sustainable, but I’m working on changing my working situation so that I work less.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’m doing document review and working 12-13 hours a day at my current project. The past few weeks were awful because I was trying to squeeze 60 hours into 4 days, so I was working 15-hour days.

    • Anon

      Public defender. Work in the office 9-5, M-F, never on weekends. If I am prepping for trial or need to get up to speed on an issue, I sometimes bring things home with me. Often have CLE classes or other presentations during lunch. Otherwise, take lunch break with friends (either at the office or out) 2-3 days/week.

    • TXAtty

      Litigation. 02 law grad. Junior partner. Usually between 11-12 hours physically in the office M-F, then another 8-9 hrs on the weekends. Going through chemo, so I’m down to 10 hours M-F and only 1-2 on the weekends. And constantly reminded about how I’m getting a “break” b/c of my illness. Not that I’m bitter…

      • DBizzle

        “And constantly reminded about how I’m getting a “break” b/c of my illness. Not that I’m bitter…”

        How awful :(

      • Ruby

        Corporate strategy, large global company. 34 yrs legal background. Can be in office from 7-10 hrs per day, depends on schedule. But always check bberry first thing am, take calls with other time zones early/late at times. Don’t work weekends except occasionally doing something from home. When traveling, many more hours to keep up with events + prep for whatever i’m doing there + regular emails/work + dinners etc. ALso in town sometimes I have dinners etc. which aren’t working at desk, but are a tiring time suck at times. Eg if you get home at 11pm and go back to work at 7am.

        overall can’t complain, for an american professional job. way better than corporate lawyer hours.

      • happy

        Hugs to you! They know TX attys are sharp as h e l l and tough as nails! :)

      • a lawyer

        Give yourself more of a “break,” if they don’t appreciate what you are doing now, they do not deserve more than 8 hours or less a day. I know, my sister and mom have both worked through chemo.

    • Anon

      I’d guess I average 10 hours a day at my think tank job, counting working at home some evenings and weekends. I also average probably an hour per work day of chit-chatting with co-workers, browsing the internet, answering non-work emails etc, so I could potentially bring this down to 9 hours with perfect productivity.

    • curious law student

      for those of you that bill hours, how many of those work hours are usually billable? or does it totally vary?

      • Amelia Bedelia

        completely varies.
        I strive to bill 80% of the time I am in the office. some days it is closer to 60% and some days it is close to 90&

        • Amelia Bedelia

          I will also add, that when I was a baby lawyer, I billed much closer to 50% of my time in the office! It does get better. you get more efficient as the years pass.

      • phillygirlruns

        i generally am in the office for 10 hours (about 8a-6p) and bill anywhere from about 8.7-9.5 hours, depending on whether i bring my lunch, how focused i am, etc. i almost never work weekends and only work from home in the evenings a couple of times a month.

    • J

      I am at work 8 hours per day, 5 days a week as an attorney at a non-profit. My logic, petty as it may be, is that if my pay does not reflect that my time is valuable, then my employer only gets 37.5 hours per week of my time and not one minute more.

    • Lawyer Bird

      7.5-9 hours actually working is typical. Busy days (maybe 20% of the time) run 10-12 hours, and my employer’s policy requires minimum 7.5 hour days so I never work less than that.

    • coco

      Our work days are 7 hours. And we’re pretty much expected to keep to that – low-level non-profit.

    • Lyssa

      Small firm, civil ligitation, usually 9.5 hours, including 1 hour for lunch (usually at my desk, but surfing, not working). My firm’s really flexible and laid back, so I can pretty much do it however I want, but I usually get in at about 7:45 and leave sometime between 5:15 and 6:30. I’m the last one out of the office 90% of the time. My husband’s hours are extremely unpredictable, so, unless I have some reason to leave earlier, I try to work either until I hear from him or until I start getting hungry, though I admit that sometimes a lot of that time winds up on Corporette “breaks”. I could work far more efficiently than I actually do.

    • Scully

      ’11 grad. State law clerk. 9 hours, 8:30-5:30. I don’t take a lunch. Add another hour once or twice a week for motions read on public transportation/at home. No weekend work.

    • kmm

      Municipal attorney. I generally work 8.5-9 hours a day, working through my lunch hour. I was working more and consistently put in 10 hour days and took work home my first year, but through a variety of state and local cuts my take home pay has gone down over 8% since I started my job and I don’t think they deserve me on weekends.

      • Angie

        This whole thread is completely depressing to me. I’m lucky. I work for myself and have someone else supporting me and my family. I work about 5 hours a week. I spend the rest of the time caring for my children. Something needs to adjust in the current culture to make this work feasible for people. I can’t imagine being expected to work 10 hours a DAY while on chemo, and to then get slack about it!

    • Portia

      Federal law clerk, class of ’11 – unless we’re in trial or something unusual, I work 8-8.5 hours a day, and I take a lunch/midday errand break one or two days a week without having to stay late to make up for it. No weekend work. The crazy thing is that I work more than expected (my co-clerk puts in a lot of 7.5 hour days and takes long lunches), but we’re in a small district and have reasonably little backlog. Going to miss this once I go out into the “real” legal world.

      • AnonOne

        I’m not in law but keep similar hours. 8 hours per day in the office (not a minute more), with 30-1 hour for lunch (and about an hour of chatting with colleagues every day). I’m the type who can get a ton of work done in a short amount of time so overtime has never been necessary for me. Others in my group are there 12 hours a day and, most of those who put in those hours are known to be clueless.

        I commute by train and have a child in daycare so my time in the office is extremely limited. My actual time out of the house every day is 11 hours so, even if I needed to, I can’t stay at the office any more than I do.

    • westwoodmom

      When I was in big law, after my first year or two, I worked 12 hours a day minimum, plus at least one weekend afternoon. usually significantly more, especially once I was senior associate/junior partner.

      As a federal government employee, I work my 8.5 hour workday and no more. I do read and answer e-mail during and commute and on weekends, but that probably adds up to no more than half an hour per work day. I also have not had a trial for the two plus years I’ve worked for the government. That would lead to a temporary burst of additional hours (maybe a month or two), but I could earn up to 40 credit hours of extra vacation time for every hour worked over my “scheduled” work week.

    • locomotive

      I work in finance – hours vary from 50- 70 hours a week. The worst I’ve seen has been 90 (I honestly think I would quit if that happened every week) but it generally is evenly distributed from 50-70.

  12. SV in House

    Hi all — I posted earlier this week and did not get many responses (but thank you to those that did reply). I am the staffing chair for a large volunteer event. I will need volunteers to do many different tasks over a week long period, with concurrent jobs. I am looking for recommendations for software that will allow volunteers to sign up and see who is also signed up for a shift. I will need to be able to generate reports and schedules. We have ~$500 in the budget for the software, which would be used in future years as well.

    Thanks!

    • NDR

      Volunteer Match has a good article on how to select the software for you, plus several links to sites that will compare different products. If you Google “volunteer management software” it comes up pretty high in the results.

      I used to manage volunteers for a 3 day art festival with 1000+ volunteer slots and also weeklong film festival across 5 venues and ultimately found that Excel was the best for sorting on all the different variables. Plus, you can color code different jobs, shifts, days, etc., which makes it easy to see where you have big gaps in staffing.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I don’t know what the names are, but I’m pretty sure there are websites out there where you can hire a freelancer to build software for you. From what I’ve heard, you lay out a summary of what you need and then freelancers submit bids to do the project for you. If you can’t find software that does what you need, it could be nice to design it to suit your needs exactly.

    • zora

      I just pulled a couple recommendations off of a local Nonprofit Professionals Networking list I am on. You might look for something similar in your area, where people ask for referrals and advice and share news. One site: ynpn dot org has chapters in multiple cities.

      Anyway, here were a couple recs:

      Hi,
      San Francisco Film Society uses http://www.shiftboard.com/ to schedule
      volunteering and I think it works very nicely.

      Someone at my son’s PTA asked me about a service called Volunteer Spot
      http://www.volunteerspot.com/index as possible service – I don’t know
      anything about it, but looks like it has what you need.

      Also, maybe using something like eventbrite which is free for no fee events.
      I know they have “widgets” that you can imbed into your website including a calendar.

      good luck!

    • zora

      ugh, my comment’s in moderation so i’ll take out the links.

      I just pulled a couple recommendations off of a local Nonprofit Professionals Networking list I am on. If you are going to continue in a volunteer position you might look for something similar in your area, where people ask for referrals and advice and share news. One organization: ynpn dot org has chapters in multiple cities.

      Anyway, here were a couple recs:

      -Hi, San Francisco Film Society uses www [dot] shiftboard [dot] com to schedule volunteering and I think it works very nicely.

      -Someone at my son’s PTA asked me about a service called Volunteer Spot
      www [dot] volunteerspot [dot] com / index as possible service – I don’t know anything about it, but looks like it has what you need.
      Also, maybe using something like eventbrite which is free for no fee events.
      I know they have “widgets” that you can imbed into your website including a calendar.

      good luck!

  13. NOLA

    Ladies, what do you do when a colleague consistently misses deadlines to provide feedback on a document but insists that the feedback is important enough to be included? I have a colleague who has been doing this to all of us and it’s causing the rest of us to have to rework documents at the last minute (or at home at night) in order to make our deadlines. It’s hard when the person’s feedback is legitimate, especially. I think the biggest problem is that this person works a later schedule that most of us. Most of us come in early and that’s our quiet time to respond and provide feedback. She consistently does this kind of work after the rest of us have left for the day. Thoughts?

    • Niktaw

      If you send out a document in the morning and request feedback by close of business on the same day, you are setting her up to be late.
      In situations like this, I request comments by COB of with the understanding that I will start incorporating them next morning. I also use Outlook reminders associated with the message.
      I am not sure what it is with insisting to include the feedback. A reviewer makes their case, but it is up to the document owner to incorporate it or not… unless the reviewer is more senior and has the final authority to release the document/product.

      • NOLA

        Well, in one case, a colleague wrote a document and sent it out during the day on Wednesday and asked for feedback by 11:00 a.m. on Thursday so she could incorporate all of the feedback and have it done by the end of the day to meet her Friday morning deadline. This person sent feedback at 2:30 p.m. after all of the other feedback had been incorporated and approved. She misses every deadline – it’s a chronic thing but it’s becoming more and more inconvenient for her colleagues.

        • Ruby

          generally, I hate it when people give me less than a week or two’s notice on stuff like this. I get things to review from all over the world constantly. I have a full meeting schedule. I travel. whatever comes in last goes last on my list. If not it better be super important. I’m amazed when people think they can send stuff off and expect responses within a day or two, as if I’m sitting around waiting for them to give me something to do. no idea what your deadlines are, time rythms, work culture, etc. but give as much notice as you can.

          • Ruby

            also, I will find out if your deadline is real, or aspirational. i.e.- do I need to stay up past by bedtime for this? probably not. there is usually some built-in padding.

          • NOLA

            I totally get what you’re saying but this was something where we all knew there was a quick turnaround to meet a deadline set from above us. And, it was the kind of thing where she didn’t have to respond. She could have just said she didn’t have time and trusted her colleagues to do it right. That’s what several other people did.

            Today I sent something out, gave everyone more than a week then explained exactly why I had to have it by that date and implored everyone to get their comments in on time. We’ll see.

    • beccavt

      Does she know when the document’s deadline is independent of your information? If not, I think the easiest answer is to just tell her the deadline is several days earlier than it actually is.

    • gina

      Several options: (1) Ignore her feedback if it comes in late, (2) stop asking for her feedback, (3) set later or longer deadlines if you think her schedule is the issue, (4) set a deadline earlier than you actually need the responses and then revise anything until several hours or days after the deadline, or until after you get her feedback, (5) give her an earlier deadline for feedback than everyone else, (6) talk to her about the issue and see what she says. Ask her if she has any suggested solutions. Use her explanation of the reason(s) for her tardiness to determine your course of action, (7) present the issue to a mutual supervisor asking for assistance or suggestions.

      You can adopt one strategy across the board or vary strategies based on situation, urgency of finalizing document, and importance of her input.

    • Godzilla

      Maybe it’s just me (and my office) but everybody here always asks for things before they need it. We all know things come up and for the most part, contributions are submitted by the asked-for deadline but we build in that extra padding, always.

      Also, your colleague consistently performs in a certain way. Learn to manage her performance, not your expectations. She always sends things in late, make her deadline earlier.

    • Divaliscious11

      Where is this colleague in the hierarchy of the office? Is this colleague’s input valuable, but late, or late with no significant value? Is it easier to give her a separate, but earlier deadline? It would be great to try to get her to change, but if she has been successful, without her tardiness being a hindrance, she isn’t likely to change. Do you know why her feedback is late – ie..is it just because of her work schedule, or does she has some other matter that she maybe working on in addition to her normal workload? Have you talked to her about it?

      • NOLA

        She’s sort of in the middle. Senior to many (not to me) but doesn’t supervise any of the more junior professionals. She has a forceful personality so she’s hard to ignore. I’d say the value of her input is mixed. Sometimes good, sometimes off-base, so that’s one of the reasons why it takes awhile to process her feedback and problematic when it’s late. I think her being late with things has become habit. She does have a lot of balls in the air but so do all of us. I think it’s about being respectful of your colleagues and making their deadlines a priority or deferring to others’ judgement. We have never been an organization that inflated deadlines and it would be almost impossible to give her a separate deadline. These documents are going out to a group who all need to respond or defer to others. I do need to talk to her about it because I think someone needs to. When I spoke to my junior colleagues about it, they were upset but wouldn’t approach her because she is senior to them and can be difficult. They want me to do it.

        • Divaliscious11

          Then yeah, I’d grab her and a cup of coffee and try and figure out a schedule that works for both of you. It may be that because of her scheduled hours, she knows its going to be late, so rather than rush it, and be a little late, she takes her time, but is later etc… Not that you all have to accommodate her, but if the boss permits her scheduled day to begin later than everyone else’s, resulting in every one else having a head start, then there has to be somewhere in the middle where you can meet. Sounds like you are peers, so the discussion should be collaborative, versus confrontational. Good luck.

  14. Jayne

    Two of the daily deal sites have “doctor supervised” weightloss specials today. One is phendimetrazine appetite suppressants + B12 and the other is hcG. I have been trying less calories and more exercise, which I know is the right way and the long term solution, but it is hard. I need to just suck it up and take the hard route, right? Anyone done either of the methods on special?

    • Anonymous

      You might want to check out recent FDA articles on both. I know that the FDA said, again, in December that hcG diet products are illegal (link to follow).

    • Equity's Darling

      http://www.shape.com/weight-loss/weight-loss-strategies/truth-about-hcg-diet-plan

      I get b12 shots bc I’m vegetarian, but I freaking love them. It’s like guaranteed to up my productivity at work, improve/stabilise my mood, and improve my sleep- it’s totally plausible that it’s all placebo, but I love it so much, I don’t even care. And I am legitimately low on b12, so….I vote B12s.

      I can’t speak to the issue of appetite suppressants, because I generally aim for weight-loss by the “down food, up exercise”.

      • karenpadi

        Second the B12. I found out over Christmas that a B12 deficiency runs in the family so I’ve started taking a supplement every morning. I fell less “burned out”, less in a “mental fog”, I’m sleeping like a baby, and I actually have enough energy to leave the house on the weekend.

        BTW, emergen-C also has a good dose of B12.

    • Weight loss anon

      Ive been seeing a doctor for a little over two months through a medical weight loss program called CFMW. There were a few options and mine is the cheapest and allows me to choose my own food. The other plans involved buying shakes and soups through the center. I’m also on 37.5mg of Phentermine and receive the B-12 and Lipo-B shots when I go in. I’m currently only going in once a month to be weighed in and refill my prescription. The scale tracks a number of things including water percentages, body fat percentages, and fat distribution. I’ve lost almost 25 pounds since I started following the dietary guidelines she gave me. It’s semi-low carb, but not as extreme as Atkins. Overall, it’s working well for me and it’s something I seriously was having issues with for years. I’ve made more progress in these 2 months than I had at any point since I began gaining weight 10 years ago. I have issues with binge eating and it has been very helpful for me to not feel so overwhelmingly hungry all day because when I was constantly feeling that way I would start to eat a huge meal and then it would snowball. There are still emotional issues for me to deal with regarding that, but this has at least helped me get started digging out physically.

      I think it’s a combination of the phentermine, food guidelines, AND added pressure of spending the money. It costs me about $225/month.

      • Weight loss anon

        I’m in moderation, but I do the first plan you described and it’s worked well for me. 25 pounds lost in about 2 months.

    • Godzilla

      Do not “try” less calories – actually do it. My best friend did all of the crazy pills and diets and the only method that actually worked because she was able to sustain it was learning how to eat at Weight Watchers. Seriously, that’s the genius behind the whole program – you learn how to eat. No special foods or bars or supplements or anything will magically make you weigh less. The only thing is to cut out food but not to dangerous levels. The end.

      • LizM

        I’ve got to agree with this. I’ve tried the “doctor supervised” diets, and I’ve lost weight, but always gained it back with more because they didn’t actually teach me anything.

        Weight Watchers is slower than those other diets, but I’m actually learning how to manage my environment and food in a way that’s translating into long-term success.

    • Anon for this

      I’ve done the phendimetrazine/B12 combo before. It works – because you’re effectively taking speed. Hard to sleep when you first start taking it but then you become accustomed to the jitteriness. They usually start you off on a half dose to minimize the side effects, then up you to the full dose. You’ll lose weight, but it’s hard to go back to eating normally when you don’t have the medicine to curb your appetite.

    • Heather

      I went the phen and b-12 route several years ago for my wedding. I lost a bunch of weight really quickly- however the jitters, migraines etc. were a problem. I also gained every pound back almost as soon as I got off it. Plus the one that I was on required a 500 calories a day protein only diet. If you have any digestive issues- this is incredibly hard on your GI tract.

  15. tika55

    For anyone who has experience with the Child & Dependent Care Tax Credit and the FSA – I am trying to wade through this for the first time, and I want to see if my conclusions are correct. Assuming that all of the criteria are met (it doesn’t look like there is a maximum qualifying salary), you can claim a $3,000/year tax CREDIT for one dependent. In addition, you can put up to $5k (for a married couple filing jointly) into a dependent care FSA, which would not be taxable. So assuming a 28% tax rate, the tax savings from the dependent care FSA would be around $1400. So between the tax credit and the FSA, the tax savings would be a total of $3400. Am I on the right track here? I’m not sure that I should be doing IRS math on Friday afternoon.

    • tika55

      Clearly I meant the total would be $3000 + $1400 = $4400. See what I meant about math on Friday?

    • Niktaw

      Child tax credits phase out as the income increases.
      I recommend finding a tax calculator/simulator and running your numbers through it.

    • NovaMama

      I think there is a max salary for the dependent tax credit. I’ve never gotten it. There’s no maximum for the FSA, however. That’s all I have to add here! :)

    • anon

      What is the FSA limit for a single person? And could two single people both claim the max on the same child? (So if the limit is $3000, for example, could an unmarried couple with one child claim 2x$3000 in dependent care FSA for the same child?)

      • Seattleite

        Tax is not my field, but my understanding (as a parent) is that you have to claim the child as a dependent to get the FSA. Only one parent can claim if they are unmarried, or married filing separately.

    • nona

      Check to be sure you can use both the flex spending Dependent Care and the Tax Credit at the same time. If you do the Flex Spending, then you are already getting it tax free, so that I don’t know if you’d been able to do the credit since that might be considered double dipping. I think you might have to do one or the other.

      And for the other posters – there is a difference between the Dependent Care tax credit and the Child tax credit. Not that the IRS could have been more confusing about the naming :)

    • anon prof

      My understanding is that if you put $5k into your dependent care FSA, you won’t get any dependent care tax credit if you only have 1 child. We have 2, so we put $5k into the FSA and then got $1k in the dep care tax credit (which became only $200 because of our income phase-out). And it both stop when a child turns 13, which is a major bummer since we’re not leavign our 13 year old home unsupervised all summer.

      • Niktaw

        Anon prof, I thought the magic number was 12, not 13?
        Also, when kid get to this age, they can start overnight camps. They are expensive and there are no tax benefits, but some camps out there are amazing.

        • anon prof

          Pretty sure it ends the day they turn 13. Yes, he went to sleepaway camp for the first time last summer and had the best 2 weeks of his life, but wow is it expensive!

    • westwoodmom

      I also thought it was one or other. And the FSA maxes out at $5000 per family, no matter how many kids you have.

  16. Poster from this morning with a bad review

    I posted this in the original thread but wanted to re-post here so people will actually see it. First, thanks so much everyone for your comments and concerns. Long story short (full details in original thread)… I maintained my composure throughout the review and although it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped, I did calmly but assertively stick up for myself and got a few things changed and left it feeling somewhat better than when I went in.

    But the important part… There’s actually a happy ending to the day! As I was sitting at my desk stewing, I got a call from a female principal in another office. I did some work on one of her projects a few weeks back; it was low-level stuff that’s frankly below my pay grade to do, but it had to get done and I went above and beyond in making sure it got done well. In return, she just went to bat for me to accompany her on a business trip next week where I’ll sit in on meetings and get exposure to a totally new, but really interesting practice area. It really made my day since it showed that bad review aside, my hard work is in fact getting noticed and appreciated by senior people, and my career isn’t at a total dead-end after all.

    I hope when I get to her level that I’ll ‘pass it forward’ and do the same thing for junior women that she just did for me. Yay sisterhood :)

  17. KC

    Stab in the dark here, but question to the hive about facial mostureizers. My boyfriend and I used to use Philosophy hope in a jar. We loved it, especially him, because he has REALLY dry skin from shaving. I can kind of use whatever, but I liked it too, and it was nice to only have one product for us both. So Philosophy changed the formulation, and even though they say they offer “original” and now a new formula, neither feel as thick and nice as the old one does. Anyone have any recommendations? Preferably something you can find in nordstrom or sephora, and under 50 or so…also anyone else a user of this cream and notice a change?

    • Equity's Darling

      I’ve raved about Skoah before- they’re not available broadly (though you can order online), but I use their dewlux, and it is fantastic. The only moisturizer I’ve used for more than 6 months without going “ahhhh, wtf!”. My skin has never been is such great condition.

      I got a philosophy travel kit, which included “hope in a jar”, and honestly, it was not that moisturizing for my skin, so I replaced it with a little jar of my dewlux. I have dry skin, and live in a very dry climate, and I swear by the dewlux. I’ll post a link.

      • AT

        I never really liked Hope in a Jar, but I LOVE Philosophy’s Miracle Worker moisturizer. I only use it at night, but it’s moisturizing and supple and I love how it feels, and I don’t wake up a greaseball with it. If I start to break out (rarely happens these days, which I attribute to a fairly clean diet and my HG zinc-C serum from Malibu Wellness), I use Hope in a Bottle for a few days (salicylic acid has always worked fairly well for me and acne).

    • NYC

      I just switched to Kiehl’s Ultra Facial Cream and love it. Feels thick and moisturizing, but doesn’t cause me to break out (they said I could return it if it did). No girly scent, so would work for both of you.

    • Cb

      I haven’t used the Philosophy but I love the Aveda tourmaline cream. It’s heavier and perfect for tougher skin / winter.

    • Divaliscious11

      My husband loves to share both my Kiehl’s Ultra Moisturizer as well as my Creme D’Elegance in winter

    • phillygirlruns

      I have dry patches near my chin/mouth in the winter and use Philosphy “When Hope is Not Enough.” I’ve never been a Hope in a Jar user, so I can’t compare, but When Hope is Not Enough is quite thick and works well to eliminate my dryness without being greasy.

      Also, try coconut oil.

  18. Amelia Pond

    Long time lurker, first time leaving a comment (I was waiting for Friday open thread).
    My SO just got a promotion and I wanted to get him a nice “captain of industry” watch to replace his Fossil outlet watch that is frankly worn out. I know the hive has wonderful taste and I know less than nothing about appropriate mens watches. Nothing with a lot of bling but something tasteful and more adult. Thanks ladies!

    • gina

      I like Skagen. Classy and modern, but not obscenely expensive. My boyfriend has one, and two of his sisters each got themselves an almost identical one (of the men’s watches) b/c they likes his.

      They’re in the same general price range as Fossil, though, so I’m not sure if that’s what you’re looking for…

    • kc

      My husband is non-blingy guy as well. I got him a cordovan leather Wenger Swiss watch a few years ago and it’s still going strong and drawing compliments. I got it on Overstock for a good price.

      • Amelia Pond

        Thanks goirishkj.
        I didn’t have a set budget in mind since I had no idea what a nice watch went for, but ideally less than 300. It is more about style than price. His current watch has an orange face and is all scratched up and looks young (IMO). I will check out Wefner Swiss and Bulova

          • Ruby

            my spouse bought a Tissot online last year for $800- he says automatics are ‘nice watches’ and anything lesser will be noticed by watch-guys. quartz movement is the cheaper/thinner type. you can tell if the second hand sweeps (auto) or ticks (quartz). We aren’t high rollers but for some reason he looked into this and decided it was time to get a Big Boy watch. There’s a whole thing to the watch thing and apparently men notice. He says there are some autos for $300-500, 3 is lowest end.

          • Homestar

            I have a women’s Tissot. When I bought it, Tissot was the only brand offering watches under a $1,000 with a sapphire crystal. I really like it and I think Tissot is better known for its men’s styles, so check them out. Tissot is probably the same quality/price as Citizen and Bulova watch, but the brand is a little less common (which I like) and it is a Swiss company. (Switzerland is known for having good watch companies.)

        • spacegeek

          My experience with men’s watches is that they fall either around the $200 mark (Movado, Skaagen, etc) or the $2-3K mark (Cartier, Tag Huer, etc)! Very little in between. The main things, IMO, regarding watches for men are 1) metal bracelet or no — some don’t want their arm hair caught on it, and 2) thickness — my husband doesn’t like “typical” man watches that are very large with lots of knobs on the sides, etc. for example. Once you’ve figured out those two, plus your budget, and your choices will narrow considerably! Good luck!

    • DC Association

      Oh gosh, yesterday on Rue La La there were men’s watches – can’t remember the brand but would be right up your alley. Are you a member of r l l?

      • Amelia Pond

        I am. I usually gloss over the men’s stuff but I don’t think I have deleted yesterday’s email. Great idea!

    • LStar

      I bought my husband a Stuhrling Original Symphony watch from Overstock for Christmas four years ago. He wanted something classic and self-winding. It cost me around $200. He loves it. He gets compliments on it ALL the time, to an almost ridiculous degree (in my opinion, just because I rarely notice watches). Other guys are constantly asking him about it, where he got, how much was it, etc. Literally, opposing counsel have broken off in the middle of shouting at him to compliment him on it and ask him where he got it (more than once!).

      Also, Stuhrling has great customer service. Two years ago, he dropped the watch and one of the hands got bent, causing it to catch against the other hand. For the price of shipping it to their European office (about $20), they completely fixed it, super quickly, and paid to send it back to him.

      It looks like there are about 8 styles of the Symphony watch on Overstock, all under $200 currently.

      • Amelia Pond

        Thanks for all the wonderful suggestions ladies. I ended up getting him a Tissot Ballade. He really likes it and was touched that I got him something to celebrate.

  19. Mom Issues

    Anon for this one. I am taking my young son to visit my mother and step-dad in a few weeks. I am an only child who has always been the grown-up in my relationship with my mom. Mom feels that hubby and his family are taking my son and me away from her. As a result, hubby and mom do not get along and actually had an explosive argument last time she stayed at our house. Needless to say, hubby is coming with us on the trip, and I can’t imagine that they will ever get along. I think part of my mom’s issue is my alcoholic step-dad. My mom is a total enabler and has been with sweet losers her entire life. Step-dad was very nice when he can into the picture and only became an alcoholic after entering the relationship. As the years get on, they get worse together. They isolate themselves because “everyone is against them.” My mom, who used to be a very light drinker now drinks every night. Since I live in a different state, I do not know if she has also become an alcoholic, but when visisting with her, she drinks every night.

    Frankly, I am appalled at her behavior. Once I realized she was drinking more, I refused to answer her calls at night because I knew she had been drinking. I have also put up a lot more boundaries since my son was born. I just don’t have the time or inclination to deal with her drama. I know that confronting her won’t make any difference and that she will just think I am under hubby’s evil influence.

    So, how do I get through this visit? We are staying at mom and step-dad’s house. I hope that maybe mom will curb the drinking since my son will be there, but I dread having to deal with their behavior. I have already decided that any discussion of hubby and in-laws will be off-limits, and I don’t mind telling her that. Any other advice for the trip or for dealing with these sorts of parents in general? TIA

    • Seattleite

      1) Mortgage the souls of any future children to pay for a hotel. You need the ability to leave if she engages in unacceptable behavior.
      2) When dealing with toxic people, replace “hope” with “wishful thinking.” So, you are engaging in wishful thinking that your mom will not drink in front of your son. Recognize that and adjust your plans accordingly.
      This sounds way more harsh than I mean it; posting quickly because it’s time to get back to work.

    • accommodations

      Is there any way you can re-think staying at their house? I really think it will be much better if you have a place you and hubby and son can go every night to decompress. Even if you go there just to sleep and shower and spend all other waking moments at your mom’s house. This could be especially important if they start their drinking every evening at dinner and don’t stop. You don’t want to be there for that, and you don’t want your son anywhere near it.

      If not, plan to spend a lot of time taking walks with hubby and/or son, depending on who needs some space from the drama at any given moment. That might mean snow boots and coats and flashlights if you are in a winter area.

      I also would definitely have a talk with hubby and son, separately and together, about each of your expectations and, for son especially, things he can do if he is uncomfortable (go to the bathroom, go read a book, ask you to take him on a walk — not sure how old he is). You can also establish a “safe word” that you can all use to let each other know that things are getting too hot. With son, this conversation will be more “here are some things that might help and I am your mom and I want this to go well for you.” With hubby, it will be more “we are a team and let’s figure out how to do this.”

      What about finding an Al-Anon meeting to attend while you are there?

      Good luck.
      What about logistics. Will you be OK with the food they prepare? What about bedtimes and wake up times? Time in the day for exercise?

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t stay with her if at all possible. If you have to stay, then be prepared to leave quickly if things get bad. Experience dealing with alcholics here and their behaviour is absolutely unpredictable and not something I would ever want to expose children to. There’s no reationalising with a drunk. It’s likely she will not curb the drinking, she may drink more due to the stress of having visitors. You will need to be the one setting all the boundaries and protecting yourself and your child. I’m sorry, this must be very hard.

    • Hel-lo

      If she’s drinking every night, and you refuse to talk to her when she’s drinking, then that’s a drinking problem.

      If you don’t want to call it “alcoholism”, then that’s up to you. But her drinking is causing a problem for you. It’s a drinking problem.

      Al-Anon is really helpful.

    • cbackson

      My parents are easy to deal with, but I had a very difficult mother-in-law, who similarly seemed to feel that I was taking her son away from her. As a result, she would throw fits over things like where we went for holidays, how we celebrated, etc., with the end result (because my ex-h caved to her) that we didn’t spend Christmas with my family once during the course of my marriage. I should add that my ex-h was Jewish and didn’t have a family tradition of celebrating secular Christmas. She still managed to make it an UTTER BETRAYAL for us to spend Christmas anywhere but her house.

      I’ll add to the chorus of “stay somewhere else.” It’s so much easier if you can go back to the hotel, shut the door, and laugh yourselves silly. Plus, if your husband needs to get some space during the day, he has some place to go (as do you).

      In the end, however, you can’t control her. You can only take care of yourself and your family. Please recognize that you are not being difficult or unreasonable by doing so.

    • ANP

      You sound like me a year and a half ago (before seeing an amazing therapist who’s been incredibly helpful to my situation). My mom is not an alcoholic, but was similarly unpredictable. Your story sounds a lot like mine.

      One thing I would say is that your description (also like me 18 months ago) has quite a bit of wishful thinking associated with it. I can pretty much guarantee you that if she’s drinking to excess while visiting your house, she’s really going to tie one on at home, in her own [comfortable] environment. Do not think it’s going to be different.

      I would ask myself if (a) you really want to go on this trip, and (b) if you can possibly stay elsewhere. A hotel will give you the mental space you need to decompress with your husband and son. If that’s not possible, plan some solo day trips — even a few hours at the mall — to give yourself some space.

      Good luck from someone who’s been there. On some level, I still continue to wish my mother were someone different — but I’m now learning to accept who she is and draw the appropriate boundaries accordingly.

    • Emily I

      I absolutely agree with the advice to stay at a hotel if it’s at all possible. My husband and I stopped staying with his mother (with whom we both had a poor relationship) when we had our first child. We talked about what a “treat” it was for the kids to stay at the hotel and be able to swim at the pool. It made the visits much less stressful to know we were going to get away from her at the end of the day.

      Since our relationship with MIL appears to be improving after years of boundary setting, we decided to stay at hear place for our recent holiday visit. That was a mistake. My husband, our kids, and I were all at the ends of our proverbial ropes by the end of the day. Even my MIL (who I thought would be thrilled to have us stay with her so that she’d have more time with the kids) got short with the kids ans seemed stressed out.

      In your situation where there are issues with alcohol, I wouldn’t take the gamble that everything will go well. I didn’t see how old your son is, but if he’s young, now might be the time to set the precedent that you’ll stay elsewhere.

    • scientist

      I’m late to this, but fwiw.

      That your husband and your mom have a rocky relationship is due to your own rocky relationship with her. You said that she feels that he is taking you away from her. Have you talked with her about how YOU want your relationship with her to be? Is he taking you away, or are you letting him be the bad guy so you don’t have to?

      Time away for your immediate family should be scheduled. Time with just you and your parents or you and mom should be scheduled as well. I would not stay at their house since you admit that you don’t know the status of drinking. I take lots of walks when I visit my mom and always schedule some activity that gets us out of the house together (she’s better in public as she cares deeply about appearances).

    • Susan

      Very late to the thread, but fwiw:
      1)Your mother is correct that there’s a distance forming between you and her, but incorrect as to the reason. The reason is, she’s behaving like an immature annoyance, which is exacerbated by the drinking problem, and by the alcoholic stepfather. Who the heck would prefer that h3ll over the company of a normal, functioning family (your husband’s family)? So, her carping about it is making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. AA and Al-Anon, I think might help. And if not that, then I think it might be appropriate to set up even stronger boundaries to protect your husband and child (and yourself!) It’s one thing if people want to destroy themselves, they have no right to hit their children and grandchildren with the collateral damage. Your getting hit by their shrapnel won’t save them.

      2)ITA with those who’ve said, get a hotel. Primarily to protect your children from the unpredictable and dangerous behavior of people who do have a drinking problem, and secondarily, because it’s neutral ground.

  20. In DC

    Question for all on sizing:
    I’ve been on the hunt for cute flats to wear for my wedding. I fell in love with these Louboutins: http://tinyurl.com/753gknq. I found them on ebay in a 41; I’m usually an 11 in US sizing. I have heard Louboutins run a little small, but can anyone speak on their flats in particular? I am hoping it’s just their heels that are uncomfortable. Thanks!

    • AMN

      Can’t speak to their flats, but I’m a size 10 (occasionally a 9.5) and would need a 41 in Louboutins. My guess is that they are too small – but you could always buy them and then sell them back on ebay if they don’t work!

    • Shaw

      In my experience, all Louboutins run small. I am a U.S. 10 and have never found a pair that fit. Its definitely a shoe you have to try on or by from a place with a good return policy.

    • Anonymous

      Late on this but 41 is my Euro size and I’m a US 9.5 or 10. In fact I find Euro 41 much much more consistent than US sizing – eg I’m extremely comfortable ordering a 41 online but struggle as to whether to order a 9.5 or 10 if US sizes – so I would say the 41 will not fit you if you always wear a US 11.

      • TCFKAG

        There are some really cute glitter Jimmy Choo flats out right now, if you’re interested! I had jimmy choo’s for my wedding (with low heels) and loved them — so sparkly! And the sparkles are cheap looking at all.

  21. K in NYC

    I just got offered an opportunity to write for an online magazine… they’ve asked me to write a sort of Dear Abby advice column relating to relationships and sex.

    Anyone have any questions (whether real or that you know someone who could use advice, etc.)? I’m hoping to make this a regular monthly column so the more questions, the better!

      • Leigh

        How can i get my boyfriend to exercise without telling him that he’s getting fat? He’s getting a little chubby, truth, but the real reason I want him to exercise more is that his father died of a heart attack at a very young age, and we’ve discussed marriage and children…I’d like him to be around for me. Every time I bring it up, he spins it into “i know im a fat mess”. It’s so hard for me to just come out and say it’s not that, but remember your dad having a heart attack in front of you? I don’t want that to be our kids.

        • Emily I

          I’m with Leigh! My husband *knows* he needs to lose weight and works out regularly, but he won’t adjust his eating habits. He has diabetes in his family and we’ve already had a scare where his numbers came back high. Yet he doesn’t seem to take this seriously.

      • K in NYC

        women 18-35 is what they tell me… I’ve been writing professionally for years in my field but am always looking for new opportunities to write and publish so I figured I’d give this online magazine a shot

    • Lynnet

      I have one, but it’s taking me some time to formulate it properly in my head and I have a pot pie coming out of the oven in 10 minutes. Do you have an email address I could email it to you at later in the weekend?

    • Lyssa

      Congratulations on that, it sounds really fun and interesting! Be sure to post a link where we can a) submit questions, and b) read the column when they’re available.

      This might not really be a question, but I would love to see some delving into myths verses facts about men and sex. I sometimes feel like every perception I have about males and sex comes from silly sitcom-type exagerations, which I know is unfair. Good luck!

    • Lawyer Bird

      I would love advice on dating for introverts. I have a hard time meeting people and a hard time maintaining the relationship once I’ve met someone, because my natural inclination is to be solitary.

      • Anon for this

        Yes please! It’s hard enough making an effort because of stereotypes of clingy women (that some men not-so-secretly prefer). I want to be in a relationship, but alone time is very important to me.

        Also, how do introvert mothers manage? The idea of someone so dependent on you that you have little to no alone time for years frightens me.

        • Hel-lo

          My mom is a big introvert. If the baby’s father is in the picture, then the baby is dependent on both of you. You’re not alone in caring for it.

          I guess I think of introverts as people who don’t like being at a big party being super-social, like with lots of small talk, but are ok in a one-on-one situation, or at a small gathering of 3-4 people. If you don’t like being with anyone else at all, I may be wrong, but I don’t think of that as introvert. Everyone needs time alone, and everyone needs time with other people.

          My introvert mom was a single mom, starting when I was 10. I spent half the nights at my Dad’s, so she had some time to herself then. But I know that when she came home from work, she would spend some quiet time every day in her bedroom. I wasn’t allowed to talk to her or interrupt her. I think she was taking a nap sometimes, or reading a book, but mostly just spending time by herself before dinner.

          I think if your partner or kids know you need time to yourself, then they’re capable of accommodating. And you’d need to figure out how to piece that in when the kids were younger… mostly helping them entertain themselves or finding something to entertain them.

          I think finding time for yourself when being a mother is tough, no matter if you’re an introvert or extrovert.

  22. Update

    I posted about a month ago regarding my attempts at juggling a new baby, two long commutes, and a husband working in a different city. I got lots of great advice from the Corporette community, so I wanted to give you an update.

    Things are much better– I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown anymore. I got a laptop from my firm, so I can work while pumping. I’ve decided to let go of getting a bonus this year because my group just isn’t busy enough to provide me with the workflow I need to make my hours.

    My daycare agreed to let me pay extra for them to watch the baby starting an hour earlier, so I use that time to go to the gym in my office, which frees up my evenings. I’m still looking for a nanny share, but everyone wants the nanny and the kids at their house, yet no one wants the nanny and my baby there from 6 a.m. to 7 p.m. So we’re sticking with daycare for now.

    Generally, my husband has been coming home from work about an hour earlier than he was before, so I have fewer chores to do in the evenings.

    Everyone who told me that it would get better when the baby was three months old was so right. Now I can put him on his playmat with his toys while I do chores, and, most of the time, he is content, so I am more efficient. I’ve also started making a point of throwing a load of laundry in as I leave the house in the morning so that it’s ready to be dried when I get home in the evening. I feel like this uncomplicates my life a lot even though it’s a small thing.

    The other thing that made a huge difference was hiring a sleep trainer. The baby had refused to go to bed before midnight, and within a few days she had him on a schedule of going to bed by 10:00. It’s amazing how much better life looks with two more hours of sleep per night.

    I’m still planning on using my remaining maternity leave to work 4 day weeks, but I’m waiting to request it until my workflow is back to normal, which I expect will happen in a week or two.

    I’m still looking for a job in the city where my husband works and have a few applications out, so cross your fingers for me.

    Thanks again! I really appreciate all of the support I got from this community when I posted before.

    • anon

      I remembered your post and am so glad to hear you sounding so much better! Congrats on finding solutions :)

    • Blonde Lawyer

      That is great to hear. Could you have your baby at the nanny share and other parent’s house until they come home and then baby and nanny go over to your house until you get home? Just a thought.

      • Update

        Good thought. My husband and I have also discussed staggering our work schedules (we bought him a car in the past month), so that he could take the baby to the nanny share when the other parent wanted to start and I could pick up. The downside is that he and I would hardly see each other at all during the week if we do this. The other issue is that I want the nanny at my house so she can do baby laundry and take care of other baby-related chores for me so that when I get home, all I have to do is hang out with baby and husband. The other parents I’ve spoken with about a nanny share have balked at the idea of her washing my baby’s stuff at their houses.

        • Godzilla

          Great to hear that things are improving. Can’t you still do a nanny share and just hire someone else to do all the laundry and other baby-stuff?

          • Ruby

            agree- that’s my plan once baby is born- in fact getting housekeeper set up now. have heard it’s hard to get nanny to do much else anyway. plus you are saving on sharing the nanny, hopefully there is some budget left over for weekly housekeeper. so glad to hear things are better! i am several months behind you, so read with interest. I am so dearly exhausted just preggers and working.

        • WorkingGirl

          I remember your post and I am so glad you are doing better. It gets even easier as time goes by and they sleep even more!
          We also do a nanny share and I have a similar situation to you where I need longer hours than most others. The nanny therefore comes to my house first, picks up my son, takes him to the other family’s house, stays at the other family’s house for the hours the other family needs him (9-3), then brings him back to my house. This way, I don’t have to shlep him around in the morning, and she can take care of any baby-related tasks at my house while she is here. I get home, and he is bathed and in his PJs.

    • Magdeline

      I’m so glad to hear the things are looking up for you! I’ve thought about your situation a few times since I posted, and I’m relieved to hear that your life is getting less stressful. I still think that you should consider getting someone to help you out with chores though, since those seem to be a strain on you. (It’s fantastic that your husband appears to be pulling his weight more, though!)

      • Magdeline

        Just read your post about finding a nanny to help with baby chores. That sounds great, and good luck with your search for a nanny!

    • Research, Not Law

      I remember you and am so happy to have an update! I’m very glad to hear you’ve made some helpful change and you’re doing better.

      And it’s so true that it’s easier with a three-month old. People told me the newborn phase would pass, but it’s so hard to appreciate when you’re in it. Just wait until 6-months and then 9-months. Worlds of improvement!

      And you’re right that the littlest things (like running a load in the washer when you leave for work) can make such a difference.

    • Update

      Oh, and I forgot to say that I hired a cleaning service to come every week.

      • PM

        Thank you so much for letting us know that things have improved. I know we have never met, but I felt I knew you after reading your original post and I am just happy you’ve been able to get to a happier place.

    • ANP

      Don’t think I’m a creepster, but I’ve been thinking about your last post *all* the time. I’m so glad you checked in! It sounds as though life is going much better for you. Good for you for tackling these issues head-on.

      • so anonymous

        I honestly have been as well! I am pretty new to the Corporette community and am TTC, and I really felt for this woman when I read her plight.

    • tika55

      Great news! I remember your original post and I’m so happy that things have improved!

    • mamabear

      Oh Honey, I’m so glad you updated us and that things are looking better. I actually worried about you for some time after your post.

      Here’s to things continuing on the upswing. Cheers!

    • EC MD

      I’ve thought of you a lot, because my husband and I were in a similar crazy work situation when our son was born. I am so happy to hear things have improved. Also, I just want you to know, as “better” as things are now, just wait until a year from now. Kids really do get easier in some ways.

      • Diana Barry

        Ditto. I’m glad things are better for you!

        When baby is 6 months old or so, we got into a regular bedtime routine where baby was going to bed at 7 pm. Bliss! Extra hours in the evening to get stuff done and hang out with husband. :)

    • Update

      I’m genuinely touched to hear that you all thought about me after I posted before. You guys rock!

      • Laila

        And you’re awesome for updating everyone! It bums me out when people seek advice and then don’t have the courtesy to come back and follow up, especially when many ladies here took the time to actually respond. So, kudos to you!

    • Bursting out

      Delighted to hear how things have improved, and how helpful the hive was in thinking up solutions.

      I am several months behind you (baby due in 6 weeks!) and am starting to freak out about how we are going to manage everything. Your post was kinda – don’t take this the wrong way – my worst nightmare: we would end up completely stressed out and sleep deprived all the time, and unable to appreciate the fun things about having a baby. Reading about how some changes have made your life much more manageable has given me more confidence. Thanks so much for the candidness of your initial post, and this detailed follow-up.

    • W

      So glad things are getting better! Now that you’ve got your head above water, there is a podcast called “The Longest Shortest Time” that’s all about the crazy newborn period. It helped me remember that I wasn’t alone, that I wasn’t a bad mom, and that this phase [not sleeping, scared of the bathtub, licking the floor, or, currently, gagging himself until he gets sick (so weird)] too shall pass.

  23. Lynnet

    I graduated from law school in May 2011. I just got a call asking me to come into interview for a position I’d applied for and been really excited about several months ago, but had long given up on. I think I would be a good fit for the position, but most of my experience is in litigation (not because I want to be a litigator, but because going to law school during the Great Recession, I took what I could get), and it’s a transactional position. I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on how to highlight my small amount of transactional experience. Also, I’d love any advice specific to interviewing for an in house position, as I’ve only ever interviewed with law firms in the past.

    • Try This

      When I was litigating, I saw all the problems that sloppy drafting can cause. Now I want to counsel and draft with that experience in mind.

    • darby

      Since you’re a pretty recent grad, I don’t think it matters. I would focus on having exposure to practice/a law firm, etc., rather than what you’ve done (e.g. let them see that you “get it” — billing hours, how to respond to multiple requests from different partners, etc.). After only a few months of practice, “experience” is going to sound a little silly. Generally going in-house is hard until you’ve been at it for a while & the interviews are very substanitive v. the law firm “do we like your personality” type.

      • Lynnet

        Thanks for the advice! I guess I should have mentioned that they were specifically advertising for an entry level attorney, which I understand is unusual.

      • Ruby

        agree. sorry, you don’t really have ‘experience’ yet. just be pleasant, bright and express interest. go for it- transactional is a better life, in my view!

  24. AnonForThis

    Does anyone have any advice or tips on ‘living in the moment’ (I don’t like that phrase, but it fits)?

    I’ve always been one of those people who’s perpetually focused on the “next thing” – when I was in high school, I wanted to go to college, in college all I wanted to do was start my career, etc. I always find myself wishing I’m one step ahead from where I am now, even when things are going great & I’m happy. The upside is that it keeps me motivated and moving forward, the downside is that I feel like I don’t always fully appreciate where I’m currently at.

    It’s really come to light recently, as my bofriend & I are getting more serious and will be moving in together in the coming months. I am so in love with him and can’t wait to build a home with him and get engaged and and start our lives together. He’s made it clear that he wants to marry me and be with me long term, but he’s not as focused on it as I am. He keeps telling me to slow down and enjoy exactly where we are, because what I want will be happening before I know it and I’ll never get our “dating phase” back. I’m trying but I inevitably start Googling decor ideas for our new joint living room.

    Advice? Any tips or tricks on how to mentally slow down and start smelling the roses?

    • kng

      agree! yoga! i was lucky enough to learn that during college and my life has been progressively improving as i’ve applied those ideas to my daily life.

    • Research, Not Law

      Honestly, what did it for me was finding a partner who does. My husband has really slowed me down. I enjoy it.

      Yoga didn’t do it for me. I enjoy yoga, but it doesn’t change my frame of mind. But I do find that exercise in general can help me burn off the future-driven energy and relax after.

      Journaling helped me a lot. I could write down all that stuff, close the book, and then appreciate the moment knowing that the future had been addressed.

    • K in NYC

      Take a few mins as early in your day as you’re able and make a list of things you’re looking forward to in the upcoming day. Try to come up with at least 5 things each day and, on the days where 5 is an easy # to hit, try for 7 or more. When you begin your day thinking through the specific day, it’ll help you enjoy those moments when they actually happen rather than focusing on what’s next.

    • Nan

      Make a date with yourself once a week (or month) where you block out a few hours but don’t decide what to do with that time beforehand–and when the time comes you can’t choose anything practical like cleaning the house! (Yes, I recognize the irony of scheduling spontaneous time, but this type-A girl can only go so far.)

  25. Anon

    Has anyone ever bought at Boscov’s? It’s an online retailer I’ve never heard of before. Trying to replace my much-much-much loved Etienne Aigner cashmere-lined leather gloves. They are three years old and I lost one yesterday :(

    • anonymiss

      I’ve bought at Boscovs, in the physical store, not online. I like Boscov’s for what it is, and have definitely gotten some good deals there.

    • gina

      Boscov’s was my favorite department store as a teen! It has a nice juniors section, and it’s based out of Pennsylvania or Delaware or some other nearby mid-Atlantic state. That’s the extent of my knowledge of Boscov’s.

    • Mountain Girl

      I was searching for a particular pair of pants as a replacement and found them at Boscovs. I ordered them and had no problems at all. I didn’t need to return them because I knew exactly what I wanted so I can’t speak to that. This was probably two years ago but based on that limited experience I would order from them again.

    • coco

      They’re a pretty standard department store in the mid-atlantic. I wouldn’t anticipate any problems.

    • LL

      Boscov’s is based out of Reading, PA, and the founder, Al Boscov, is a great humanitarian who has done so much for some of the small towns in Pennsylvania. So please please please buy from Boscov’s! It’s a standard department store, but its owner’s charitable nature really makes it stand out.

  26. Hel-lo

    I started dating my boyfriend 6 months ago. We’re at the point where the “honeymoon phase” of dating is over, and we’re starting to do unflattering things in front of each other. We’re also talking about a future that involves moving in together.

    My problem is that he’s really self-conscious about how he looks. I don’t know what to do about it, or how to support him. He mostly is worried that he’s too fat, but he grew up with a facial scar, too (a cleft lip), and I get the impression that he’s been self-conscious about that for his entire life.

    Mostly the weight thing is bothering me. I’m not sure how to support him. Generally I eat a healthier diet than him, so I’m often telling him to eat more produce. He has lived alone for a while, and eats Lean Cuisines for breakfast and lunch almost every day. His mom and stepdad don’t have very healthy eating habits either, but somehow they are both tiny people, even though they eat big dishes of pasta all the time.

    I haven’t noticed any weight gain, but he tells me he weighed less when we started dating. I have a work event coming up on the 21st that would involve him wearing a suit, and the only one he has is basically a size too small. I want to buy him a new suit. I told him it was because he seems uncomfortable in his old one. He thinks he can “drop the weight” in the next week. He told me yesterday he had saltines for breakfast, and I think it was because he’s trying to do a crash diet.

    I don’t think he’s overweight, but I think he feels like he is, especially because the waist on a lot of his pants is a little snug. And then when he wears them, he doesn’t look great, and that makes him feel worse.

    I don’t need him to be smaller, I just want him to be happy and comfortable. I’m not tiny myself, but I eat much healthier than he does, and I get slightly more exercise. I also just weighed myself and realized I had lost 15 lbs by pretty much cutting out beer, but over a year. I haven’t talked much about that with him because I don’t want him to feel bad. And it was gradual.

    I feel like guys have much more experience dealing with women who are self-conscious about their weight. I don’t know what to do to make my guy feel loved.

    • Anon

      Aw, I think you seem lovely! My partner also worries a tad about his weight and he too has gained a smidge since we became all happy and in love. I think it’s pretty normal. We recently shopped a sale at the Gap, and viola, cheap comfier pants.

      Sounds to me like counseling would be really helpful to him in the long-term. In the short-term, I’d tell him that you love him exactly as he is—but crash dieting is unhealthy and unattractive. And reiterate your offer to go shopping with him for a basic, budget, comfortable, flattering suit. If he doesn’t go for it, he is an adult and it really is up to him.

        • Together

          Exactly. It is SO much easier to get up in the dark to get to bootcamp/gym/running route when there is someone else in the bed and he is getting up and coming with you.

          Also, it is SO much easier to eat cleanly when you have a partner who eats with you, cooks with you, decides what to cook with you, gorcery shops with you, decides what to purchase with you.

          Together, we are much stronger at keeping us both fed and exercised properly than we ever were when we were living apart.

          Now, if I can just get him to stop thinking of medical doctors as the enemy and start going for annual checkups . . .

          • Ruby

            as someone currently pregnant and has husband seeing alllll kinds of yucko things from me (i honestly can’t believe how stinky!) yet him finding me more alluring than ever (boob growth…) this stage is hard to imagine. I guess just telling him you care and like him how he is?

        • Hel-lo

          I definitely plan on doing this.

          But I’m more worried for the short-term, I guess. That he’s going to try eating saltines for the entire next week, and then get depressed because he still doesn’t fit into his old suit. :(

          • Maybe TMI

            This might be TMI from me to you ( but, hey, we’re on corporette) and from you to BF (but, hey, your honeymoon phase is ending).

            This whole saltine thing is going nowhere. Tell him that a girlfriend shared with you that the more she p**ps, the more weight she loses. And that she p**ps more when she eats lots and lots of plant matter but no grains. Or at least no highly processed grains (crackers, bread, cake, pasta). The more plant matter she keeps coming in, the more matter she keeps going out, and the more weight she loses.

            Sorry if it is TMI. Totally true, though.

    • Wish Me Luck

      I can kind of relate — hubs has gained maybe 10 lb since we got married, not a big deal at all, but occasionally he brings it up. Seems to bother him a bit.

      Anyway, I think you have to dress the body you have, not the body you want. That doesn’t mean you can never make changes. It just means you dress in clothes that fit right now. There is no point in wearing clothes that don’t fit, really, no matter what size you are.

      Hope he can just see it in a practical way, look great in a fabulous new suit, and then maybe start eating some more produce, like you suggested. Hugs to both of you.

    • N.

      Years ago my sister put on a bit of weight when she was first married, and I remember her telling me a lovely story about how she was crying because none of her pants fit, and her husband basically told her that the only problem here was that she needed new pants, and that they could solve it that night with a credit card. Like Anon said above, new pants and voila! Problem solved.

      What makes me feel really supported about my body insecurities in my own relationship is that my husband is never critical of what I eat, never comments on weight gained or lost (in fact he barely notices, but we’re talking small fluctuations here), and when I get down about my body (usually because of comments from my mom about my weight) he just dismisses them. I never feel like I’m getting false compliments or flattery from him, I just feel like he makes weight a total non-issue. And that’s done wonders for my body confidence!

      • Lynnet

        This second paragraph is exactly what my husband does (with regards to food, not exercise, we’ve just stopped talking to each other about exercise) and it works wonders.

    • mamabear

      Not that you want him to develop unhealthy eating habits but low carb is a quick way to drop some water weight and it might get him into his suit / make him feel more confident before your event. I think low carb tends to work particularly well for men.

      And, no, I do not mean butter and bacon and steak Atkins. I mean healthy lean protein low carb, like South Beach.

    • Lawyer Bird

      If he thinks it’s an issue, perhaps he could try Weight Watchers? Weight Watchers really promotes healthy eating and lifestyles – you’re encouraged to eat 5 servings or more of fruit and veggies, which don’t count toward your daily points, and to exercise regularly. He’s not going to get anywhere eating Saltines.

      I think a lot of men are used to having high metabolisms and eating whatever they want, and it comes as a shock to them when they get older and their bodies no longer burn calories so efficiently. He needs to change his eating patterns to reflect this, perhaps by cutting 5-10% of his daily caloric intake, rather than crash dieting. Or, as others have noted, he could just realize he’s not 22 anymore and buy new pants. :)

    • jr

      What do you do together for dates? If you are eating at restaurants and going to movies, can you switch to cooking together (you can select healthier recipes and ingredients) and exercising (ice skating, going for a walk, etc.)? I know you said you don’t need him to be smaller–and that’s great–but it sounds like he wants to be smaller/fitter, and I think you can support him doing that without sending the message that he needs to do it.

      I also think that new clothes would be good. A suit, some new pants–things he will be comfortable in so he doesn’t feel like he needs to crash diet and then feel bad when it doesn’t work or isn’t sustainable. I know an above poster suggested Weight Watchers, I think talking to a good nutritionist could also help him work out a meal plan that will help him accomplish his goals in a healthy way. If he didn’t grow up with healthy eating habits, it might be pretty hard for him to figure out on his own how to choose filling but healthy meals.

    • Hel-lo

      Thanks, ladies. Lots to think about, as always.

      I guess I don’t really know whether supporting him in his weight loss is better, or expressing to him that I think he looks great is better. Which is more supportive and loving?

      Or I could, duh, just ask him. Which is probably what I should do.

      Lawyer Bird – I think you’re exactly right. He’s just getting older and doesn’t realize that as we age, men and women both get soft around the middle. It’s called growing up.

  27. Ellen

    I have a THREADjack for the corporette hive:

    Does any one know where I can get an MBA that is NOT quantatitavely based? I am NOT good with numbers, but my Dad wants me to get an MBA.

    If I can do it ON the INTERNET, that would be good as long as it is FULLY acreddited.

    Thanks!!!!!

  28. Wish Me Luck, please

    I know this is off topic, but can’t share it with anyone at work. We did our second round of IUI this week, after our first IUI failed in December. This is after 3.5 years of trying, including 4 failed IVF’s.

    I love my job (attorney) and my husband, but remain dissatisfied because I have such a strong desire to raise a child. So I’m here sending out my cyber-plea for some long-awaited good luck.

    In the meantime, happy MLK Day weekend everyone.

  29. Coalea

    I’m starting a new job after a bout of unemployment and need to add some items to my wardrobe.

    Does anyone have any recommendations regarding plus size blazers? BTW – I understand that “plus size” covers a range of size options. For my purposes, I’m looking for clothes where the size has a “W” in it (e.g., 18W).

    I would also welcome any suggestions regarding pants, specifically those that might flatter an apple shape with a sizable tummy.

    Thanks in advance!

    • Mountain Girl

      I’m not sure what your price range is but on the inexpensive side you could try JCPenney. They have plus sizes and you might be able to find a couple of things clearance priced right now that will get you through until you get back on your feet.

    • conbrio

      Anne Klein makes nice plus-size suit separates at a reasonable price. You can find them at Macys and Zappos, among other places.

    • DC Association

      Check out Talbot’s on-line…and there is a 40% off plus free shipping code in this morning’s TPS report. You could snag some great deals!

      • DC Association

        I should say, the code is in the comments section of the TPS post.

    • anon

      Gap “modern boot” pants accomodate my tummy and go up to a size 20. I second Talbots – especially with the big sale right now. Also, have you heard of Eloquii? It’s a new plus size off-shoot of The Limited. I haven’t tried them yet, but there are some cute items and I assume the quality is reasonable. They are having a 40% off sale right now, and they offer free shipping and free returns within 14 days. Might be worth a try. Hope this helps.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I agree with these suggestions. I’m an 18 with a big stomach too and the Gap Modern Boot cut pants work well for me. I currently have them in a 20 and they’ve become a bit loose, but I’m not sure if an 18 will fit yet.

        I’ve been pretty happy with the quality of Eloquii and am pretty much a size 18 there. They regularly have major sales. 30-40% is fairly normal and at least leading up to Christmas there were a few days of 50% off. Definitely worth trying. I’ve tried a bunch of things (my reviews are somewhere on a previous thread) and have been trying to work out my sizing so I’ve sent a lot back but I love the Draped Divine Knit Dress and the Curvy Fit Bootcut Jeans. As far as jackets go, I bought the Cutaway Jacket and really liked it except it has 3/4 sleeves. The description says long sleeves and the picture looks like they might have just been pushed up, but they really are 3/4 length.

        Also, I agree with conbrio on Anne Klein. I bought a skirt suit at Lord and Taylor a few months ago that has worked well.

        Although the Talbots Grace Fit jackets fit me well through the bust and stomach, I’ve found that cut to be extremely boxy. I haven’t tried the other cuts yet.

      • Laura #2

        Just a note on the Gap Modern Boot – they are on sale in the store right now, and Gap is also running a 40% off sale items promotion. I bought a pair of the Modern Boot pants today that set me back about $20. They definitely aren’t super high-quality, but I am happy with them, especially at that price.

    • Lawyer Bird

      Talbots is having a sale right now – 50% off items already marked down – and someone posted a code in the Friday TPS thread that was for another 40% off.

    • Heather

      Talbots was my main go to before I lost weight. In fact I have 4 suitcases of Talbots etc. I need to clear from my closet in 20w and lower. I always bought on ebay for less than $100 per wool suit.

    • LStar

      This has already been covered by many others, but just want to add my agreement with AK Anne Klein at Macy’s (great basic suits, inexpensive) and Talbots Woman. Both Macy’s and Talbots frequently are running promotions, so you rarely have to pay full price.

    • kmm

      Talbots. I buy all my suits there. I’ve been a 16WP in jackets for the last 7 years and vary between a 14W and 22W in pants (currently at the top end). I have suits there I bought at the end of my 1L year that still fit great and I’m in my fourth year as an attorney.

  30. Another Zumba Fan

    Random SATC questions…

    1. Is Miranda’s son’s name Brady Brady or Brady Hobbes?
    2. When Charlotte and Harry got married, did they initially live in the place Trey left her or in a completely new place?

    I have never been able to figure out these things.

    • K in NYC

      Brady Hobbs… I think they moved elsewhere together since Harry has major money and Charlotte seemed to be pretty well-off too.

      Never got into the show when it was originally on both because I was in undergrad in the midwest (thus I didn’t relate) and because, at the time, my mother was a ringer for SJP which made it creepy for me (she’s since had enough plastic surgery to not resemble her anymore). As someone about to hit 30 and now living in NYC, maybe I’ll rewatch

    • Hel-lo

      Brady Hobbes. And I also will also always be Team Aiden.

      I never liked Big. I watched Season 2 on DVD Friday afternoons during 1L year. I kept telling my roommates that Big was a jerk. They said, “Wait till you see Season 1.” I watched Season 1 and still think he’s a jerk.

    • TCFKAG

      1. Definitely Brady Hobbes (I think that’s why she named him Brady).

      2. I actually think he moved in with her — but honestly I’m not sure. The episode that just was on showed the one where he was leaving tea bags all around, and I’m pretty sure its the same apartment that she redecorates after Trey moves out….but I’m not sure.

      :-)

    • Tired Squared

      (1) Brady Hobbes

      (2) I think they moved into Trey/Charlotte’s old place … didn’t she get it in the divorce? I remember her running into Bunny (Bunny barging in) a couple of times after the divorce.

      For the record, Harry is obviously far better than Trey ever could be, but I always preferred Aidan over Big. And I never forgave Carrie for treating Aidan the way she did.

      • Ruby

        agree they moved into charl/trey’s place. recall bunny invasion.

        hated 2nd movie- aidan in mideast thing- ugh. enough with the bad behavior.

        random: when I lived in NYC, while the show was big, I once sat next to Big on the subway and didn’t notice. He was wet and in gym clothes (was pouring, hard to get cab). My guy friend, engineer visiting from job in China at time, was like [whisper] ‘hey that’s the guy from SITC next to you.” dense, yet i watched it all the time back then!

        i always liked charlotte best. though miranda is lawyer, just couldn’t identify with her type a ways. or hair.

        • Lawyer Bird

          OMG CHRIS NOTH IS SO HOT. I wish I could sit next to him in the subway! So jealous of you.

        • Lyssa

          I’m a redhead, and when I first announced that I was going to law school, someone said that I’d be just like Miranda or something like that, and I actually found it offensive. No real idea why, Miranda just bugged the heck out of me. Though, come to think of it, I can’t say that I really *liked* any of the characters on the show, except maybe the occasional gay BFFs.

          Yet, I’ve always enjoyed watching the show.

          • Hel-lo

            Ugh, yes. I like watching their misadventures, but would I really want to be friends with any of them? Uh, no. Carrie and Charlotte were really whiny, Miranda was too nuts, Samantha was way too obnoxious.

      • Monday

        Team Big. I know this is highly controversial, and I am alone among my friends. But I’ve thought about it! 1) Aidan put a lot of pressure on Carrie, and while she definitely wronged him, I think she did it because she was suffocated and he wasn’t listening to her. 2) Big definitely has a strong and persistent jerk streak, but he is a lot more direct about what he wants and needs than Carrie herself often is. I think, insofar as he did cause her trouble, it was because she was looking for it.

        Did not see the second movie.

        • Miriam

          1) Brady Hobbes. I’m not sure what they did after they got married. It would be weird for his name to be Brady Brady

          2) I think they lived in the apartment that Charlotte got in her divorce because when he went to give her the papers and she commented on sending a partner, it seemed like the same apartment. Also, he said something like being on his best behavior in her apartment.

          I can understand the attraction to both Aiden and Big. However, regardless of the pressure that Aiden put on Carry, cheating is never okay. Big was a jerk who acted like he was confused and didn’t know what he wanted which is b.s., but I can still see the attraction. Personally, Aiden is more my type, simple, staying in on a Saturday night and watching a good movie.

        • AIMS

          1. Do NOT see the second movie.

          2. Aiden was hot, but he was wrong for Carrie. She didn’t want what he wanted. A guy can be great in 1001 ways but if he is not right for you, it’s not going to work. Big had a lot of flaws, but he understood Carrie better. In ‘real life’ though, I don’t see that relationship working out either. Team Barishnikov? ;)

          • Miriam

            The Russian??? I have no idea what his actual name is since they referred to him as simply The Russian. He was a huge jerk though.

          • Rose in Bloom

            He did have a name. Aleksander Petrovsky :-) Clearly I watched too many SATC reruns in college.

          • Backgrounder

            Yeah “the Russian” was a jerk…getting slapped in a hotel in Paris is *not* cool

          • AIMS

            I was joking. Hence the ;) …
            They were all flawed. I think that was kind of part of the premise.

    • Ms. No Name.

      Charlotte and Harry moved into Charlotte’s apartment (Trey’s old place) before they got married. I remember the episode when Harry initially moves in and is leaving tea bags all over the apartment, driving Charlotte crazy. They then have a conversation about how Harry should feel more comfortable, and she then finds him sitting on her white couch completely naked watching tv and freaks out.

      Charlotte and Harry then briefly break up and then get back together and get married. It seems they continued to live in the old apartment.

      I watched far too much SATC in my former life.

      • Miriam

        That episode was recently on. This is putting me in the mood to watch it so it is a good thing my roommate has all of the episodes on DVD!

  31. Hel-lo

    For those of you that use Laundress detergent to wash “Dry Clean Only” garments at home, which Laundress detergent do you use? And do you use it for suits?

    • nona

      Look at the fabric content to determine what detergent/shampoo to use. There is a helpful chart on the website. For me, the “dry clean” items (not really dry clean only) I wash at home are usually primarily made of cashmere or wool, so I use the cashmere and wool shampoo. And I’ve used it to wash dress/suit pants from BR. With success.

  32. Save my back

    Seeing the question on purses reminded me that I haven’t really upgraded from my college bookbag. I never liked one shoulder totes or messenger/laptop bags that bounce anyway and then after a back injury (unrelated to carrying things), discovered that the waist clip on my bookbag is really efficient and comfortable. I’m fully recovered but still prefer my practical bookbag. I work in a cube farm and don’t meet clients so I only break out the tote for important meetings or something. Are there any alternatives?

    • Cb

      I really like the Timbuk2 backpacks, you can even design your own! They aren’t super professional but it seems like you don’t need them to be.

  33. a.

    Just wanted to share (since I’m taking a break from dancing joyously around my room)…I was at dinner with my roommate and some other coworkers tonight; other coworkers started talking about their dogs; then roommate turns to me and says, totally unprompted, “So I’ve been thinking that we should get a dog. As long as it’s a rescue.”

    We’re going to talk more about specifics tomorrow, but it looks like we will be at least fostering! Great start for the weekend :)

      • Ruby

        I adopted the best dog in the world last summer! we picked out a target breed for lifestyle reasons (baby coming, condo, etc.) and couldn’t find any right fit in seattle (pound kept rejecting US!) so nuttily drove to wyoming to rescue our perfect gal. SOOOO worth it. She’s the cutest and sweetest thing on earth. go for it!

    • a.

      Oh, a corollary–does anyone have any recommendations for rescues who are looking for foster parents in the northern Virginia area? We live at its very outer borders, and our local humane society does not appear (from its website, at least) to have a foster program.

      • K in NYC

        petfinder will have listings… try calling some local vets or pet stores for advice here!

        • a.

          I thought to look on Petfinder five seconds after I posted that comment, haha, since I was apparently too excited to think straight. Great minds think alike, I guess? :)

      • Blonde Lawyer

        I’m in the process of getting a name for you. I have a friend in Northern VA and I have donated to his local shelter before. I just can’t remember the name of it. I’ll let you know when I hear back.

      • TCFKAG

        I’m also looking for a rec for you. Family just rescued a dog last year in southern NOVA last year and I think they had a good experience.

    • mamabear

      !!!!

      Not to be a wet blanket, but make sure it’s clear that this is your dog and not a co-dog with your roommate. You don’t want a joint custody situation when your living situation changes.

      I was thinking today about the best running buddy dog I know. She’s a Jack Russell mix from the pound and she jogs twice a day – with her “mom” before work and her “dad” after work. She’s a little ball of solid muscle. We pet sat her for three weeks last summer and could barely keep up with her. So running buddy dogs don’t necessarily have to be big dogs, FWIW.

      But overall, yay!!!!

      • a.

        We’ll be talking about the specifics later today (hearing the first signs of life coming from her room right now), but I’m assuming based on our convo last night that if we foster, it will be a co-dog situation, but if I adopt, s/he will be totally my dog.

        And yeah, I know terriers can be good running buddies, but I kind of have a Thing about little yappy dogs. My family had a terrier mix when I was growing up, who was so insane that she soured me on the whole category. I know not all terriers are like that, but I shudder every time I think of owning another one. I’ve just always had much more positive experiences owning medium (my childhood best friend and protector, who was the ugliest lab mix you ever clapped eyes on) or large (my dad’s current Aussie/hound mix) dogs.

        But indeed, yay :)

        • kaleesi

          ha looks like she reads corporette haha maybe it inspired her to get a rescue!

    • Miriam

      That sounds great! Fostering would be a great way to get used to caring for a dog without having the commitment if you realize that it wouldn’t work. If you are getting a dog with a temporary roommate, just be careful about what happens with the dog if your relationship deteriorates or one of you decides to move out.

    • Jade Moon

      Congratulations! Rescue animals are absolutely wonderful!

      In line with another comment, please make sure to think long term about the ownership of your new pet. I had a similar situation years ago when my roommates and I adopted a cat. Everything worked wonderfully for a while, and we all become very attached to the cat. However, we didn’t specify ownership at the outset, and when it came time for us to go our separate ways, things got very ugly and conflictual about the ownership of the cat. In the end, I got ownership (yay!), but it was a much uglier situation than it ever needed to be.

      Best of luck!!

  34. Ruby

    this was my wedding dress! in pale pink .wow, ten years ago it was over $300. much lower now. It’s a great dress.

    • nev

      this was my wedding dress too! I got the full-length version on an online sale for something like $140. It was fantastic.

      • Janie

        ME THREE! Full length, ivory, $300. I still like it better than all the $2k dresses my friends wore to their weddings, shhhh don’t tell them :)

  35. Fishie

    I’m in the market for a new purse/handbag, and am feeling uninspired by everything I see online. I’d like to keep it under $250, preferably leather, in a bright color – red, blue, yellow, coral. I’m not a new bag every year kind of gal, and I tend to use the same bag for a whole season without changing and am pretty hard on things (my Longchamp tote had to be retired after about 3 years as I wore holes in the bottom corners and managed to stain it even though the fabric was dark brown).

    Any suggestions for brands or websites to check out?

    • Cb

      I have had good luck with Banana Republic and just picked up an amazing teal leather tote from J Jill over the holidays for $50. I’m obsessed with Marc Jacobs bags but they definitely aren’t in my grad student price range.

    • Emily

      I’ve really liked the Tignanello bag I got from Macy’s a few months ago. The quality seems pretty good, and all their bags come in fun colors. I have the Perfect 10 tote in red, and the color is fun but doesn’t show marks. I need a small bag to prevent myself from carrying tons of junk around, but the larger Shopper version is also cute.

      It’s on sale for $75 now, but I got it for about $55, if you’re willing to wait for a sale.

      http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/tignanello-handbag-perfect-10-tote-small?ID=525521&CategoryID=27803#fn=sp%3D1%26spc%3D30%26ruleId%3D52%26slotId%3D16

    • mamabear

      Check out the Dooney and Bourke bags on QVC. Their red color is a really happy red, and the leather is sturdy enough to be carried as a year round bag. I bought the one they show with a matching cosmetic bag and key fob (price $280 for the three pieces) in grey with tan trim edged in red, and I have been really happy with it. I also bought the Dillen Priscilla last spring in a warm red color and I get tons of compliments when I carry it. It was about $210 at the outlet and I’ve seen similar deals at Macy’s.

    • J

      I’d suggest that laminated canvas is more likely to be durable than leather, because you can wipe it off. Having said that, I have a leather handbag that I carry from fall to spring that’s lasted me 2 years. It’s by Cole Haan. I don’t carry it in the summer anymore because it sits under my arm and I nearly ruined it with sweat and had to send it off to be cleaned. I clean and condition it every few months and it looks great.

      My summer bag, which is also my bag for whenever my purse isn’t big enough, is a LeSportsac tote. It is ridiculously durable and as a bonus I can throw it in the washing machine.

      • Fishie

        Wow! Thanks for these suggestions everyone! You all must be secretly spying on me because I tend to gravitate toward D&B and a lot of Tiganello styles, so these suggestions are spot on.

  36. Green

    Does anyone know how/where to recycle textiles, primarily cotton?
    I have cleaned out my closet and have a bunch of items that are not suitable for donations – stretched knits, small stains, things like that. The softest pieces can be used as rags, but how many rags does one need?
    I would also welcome ideas on recycling wool and cashmere items.
    I live in Washington DC metro area. My county website had no info on textile recycling, which is kind of sad: with the population so affluent and consumption-oriented, a lot of clothes must be thrown away daily…

    • nona

      I would suggest talking to your local Goodwill. I seem to recall (but I can’t be sure) that they typically have someone they take any unusable cotton clothing to for recycling/repurposing. Or at least they do in my area. It’s a start, at least.

    • Lawyer Bird

      If you donate them to a charity, they usually sell any unusuable items for scrap materials. You could call a local charity to make sure.

      • a.

        Actually, many organizations bale them and sell them to developing nations, where they choke out local textile industries. One of my sustainability/development-minded friends went on a tear about this a couple of years ago; you can read more below.

          • Ruby

            well, the causes of decline of African textile industry (traditional clothing) are far bigger than American donations. That’s part of a cultural shift for younger generations exposed to tv etc. Donating is the right thing to do- it saves waste and gives others a chance to get nice things at a low price. These articles make a direct connection to the cause/ effect without stating any facts that actually connect the two. The donated jeans aren’t replacing jeans factories- it is not apples to apples. I feel very good about donating usable things rather than sending them to landfills. It’s a little absurd to even argue that is a good idea.

          • a.

            Oh, I completely agree that it’s better to donate clothing than throw it away. I just wanted to call attention to the fact that it is, as ever, a more complex issue than many people believe.

            And actually, donated American clothing IS a major contributor to the decline of the African textile industry, because it’s cheaper to buy a pair of jeans that Goodwill rejected because they have a hole in the knee, than it is to manufacture a new pair.

          • Ruby

            a, are you sure they were jeans factories in africa? the articles seemed to indicate they were traditional textile places. I don’t know, but from my background (was a labor activist for some years, as well as labor law attorney and did international stuff)- I’m not aware of a lot of apparel of that nature being made in africa- usually other places. point being- if they like the jeans better than whatever was made there anyway and want them- isn’t it best to have them at a low price?

            agree things are complicated and worth pondering- i currently work in similar problems with energy development globally. but in this case, if people aren’t happy with the domestic textiles so the business wasn’t sustainable, I would hope they can find productive income another way (eg water treatment facilities, infotech etc.). of course it isn’t that simple, and first-world dumping can surely have an impact. while biofuels are often blamed for rising food prices, in fact a lot of that is a result of US aid dumping free grain on africa and elsewhere gutting local farmers’ chances of selling on a a regular cycle- so they give up. anyway, just an example to show i get the issue, but on the clothes, am not seeing enough connected dots to question the value morally and resource-wise of donating.

    • Red

      I give them to my dad and brothers for garage rags because they’re always working on cars and other engine related things. If you don’t know anyone who’d use them maybe you can donate them to a local garage?

      Also, on a different note, I know a lot of animal shelters accept donations of towels, sheets and blankets for the animals!

    • DC Association

      take to Goodwill. As other have said, they use unsellable items in a number of ways…I think even to use as packing material when shipping breakable items (for example, wrapping medical supplies).

    • Lynnet

      First, I notice a lot of items at Goodwill and other thrift stores have stained items for sale, so those might be suitable for donations.

      Second, I just started an etsy store selling recycled yarn. I’d be happy to pay you some small amount (like, $2/each) for any natural animal fiber knits that you’re trying to get rid of. I’m sure there are also people in DC doing this same thing who would also be happy to take them. A search on etsy for “recycled yarn” limited to Washington DC would help you find people.

    • Green

      Thanks to all for ideas.
      I could not in good faith donate _for resale_ any item that is not in wearable condition. However, I will call Goodwill and Salvation Army to see if they take items specifically for recycling.
      I also really like the idea of giving sheets etc. to an animal shelter. In fact, I will prepare a package this Monday!

      • Ruby

        remember too wearable is in the eye of the beholder– i make good money and have bought second hand maternity items with flaws- stains, a hole in a sweater, etc. because they are cozy and do the job for weekend wear.

        • Ruby

          ps people can look down on that if they want but i prefer saving money for paying down debts, my kid, and retiring someday:)

  37. When Lawyers are Frenemies

    I follow Corporette for office fashion advice, but today, I write to relieve my pain. I initially drafted that sentence to read “to ask for advice,” then realizing that there probably isn’t any, except to say, “just leave.” I have been friends for years with a partner of mine at a firm which was just absorbed by BigLaw. This partner was really a Frenemy over the years–always getting mad about one thing or another personally–cutting me in and out of work on projects as his friendship waxed and waned. Now, at BigLaw, he is recently mad again, and I fear he will cut me out of work on several important clients. Assuming that I am correct and that he will not relent, should I just leave for another firm, limp along and try to find other work (which in this economy will be difficult, because my sector is down at this time) or go to the Managing Partner of the Firm and explain my Frenemie’s behavior? What other options are there?

    • Divaliscious11

      What level are you? If you are partner level, you should be building your own book of business. If you are a senior associate, you should be building relationships with the clients, and also with new partners post absorption, same thing if your fairly junior. Stop worrying about this one partner and spread your eggs around. As an in-house attorney, I reach out to who I want to work on matters, regardless of who the relationship partner is, so that’s whose bread you should be buttering…

  38. Red

    question about limited sizing (i want to order some stuff with the 40% off code). I’ve recently gained some weight, and my bust and waist measurements are medium on the size chart. NY&CO, express, gap, banana etc i’m usually small (at this size, formerly XS). My brooks brothers size 2 button downs still fit, but are a little snug. TIA for any input!

    • Lyssa

      I love the Limited, but I’d say that their sizing can be really inconsistent. I have pants in 0’s, 2’s, and 4’s from there that all seem like the same size. Can you buy extra online and return in-store?

      • Red

        thanks! the closest store is about 40 miles from me :-( . I ordered multiple sizes in one item. the shipping was ridiculous though! but i’m in dire need of work blouses for my newly expanded figure and had no luck at the mall!

  39. Anon for this

    Please help…
    My husband and I relocated for his job 2 years ago to a very small midwestern city and it has been very difficult for me. We met in the (large) city I am originally from and planned to stay, except about 6 months before our wedding he was laid off and this job was the best thing we could find despite my objections of leaving my job, hometown, family, friends, etc.

    My husband has been performing very well at his new job and the company has been indicating that he is viewed as a high potential employee and they see him as a possible assistant general counsel, even general counsel, one day. This is a really great and rare opportunity considering my husband is early in his career. The other day he told me that he wants to stay at this company for another 3 years to see how things shake our. Ladies, I am torn. I hate living here, want to go to grad school and there are no reasonable options within driving distance, and I really miss city life. I want to support my husband but I am unhappy in our current situation. My husband says in order to stay on his current path leaving here in a year is not an option, and if we stay another 3 years he would be fully vested in his pension and we would receive a sizable sum. We argue about this almost weekly. I don’t know if it is better to put my foot down now or wait it out. It is hard for me to imagine being here another 3 years – just thinking about it gets me depressed. If you can share anything with my I would greatly appreciate it.

    • Red

      The legal job market is terrible, and he seems to have a good situation. Would it be possible for you to go to grad school now while he stays in his current position, and do a somewhat long distance/commuter marriage? This works for some.

      When you were dating/engaged what were your positions on each other’s careers? In most relationships it seems either one person’s career is more important, or people take turns, and in that case, with the current market, you need to stay where your husband can have a solid position. His plan to stay at the current position for 3 years would give him opportunity to move for you/seek jobs in the big city once the economy pick up.

      What type of grad school are you considering? Could you elaborate on your field and location? To be honest most grad degrees these days are worthless, not worth giving up a good marriage for. Not to be snarky, but are there other issues with your marriage, or are you using grad school as an excuse to return to the big city, or another big city?

      If you’re set on grad school then take some steps and apply to programs. Once you’re admitted to schools you want to go to then talk options with your husband.

    • s

      Would you consider temporarily going long-distance? I’ve been with my boyfriend for ten years and we don’t always live in the same country, let alone the same city, because of grad school, b-school, and then our chosen careers. Long-term, we share very similar goals, so it works for us. (Also, it helped a lot at the beginning that we kept our weekends strictly free from work/school, even if it sometimes meant we had “baggage delays” and finished work up at the airport before going home.)

    • LStar

      I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this difficult situation.

      One thing that might help is to figure out, for yourself, what the primary driver behind your desire to move is. Is it being able to go to grad school, and getting back to city life is secondary? Or, is it moving closer to friends and family, and wanting to go to grad school seems like a better hook for convincing your husband that you really need to move? Or, is it that you really want to get back to city life, even if it’s not the same city as before? Or do you just want to get away from your current location? Etc., etc. I realize that these things probably overlap in a lot of ways, but pinpointing the primary driver might give the two of you more focus in finding a creative solution.

      I understand your husband’s perspective, and it’s true that the legal job market is not great. But, at the same time, he can’t expect you to completely subjugate your needs and desires to his, and hunting for a job while employed is very different from job-hunting while jobless. I’m wondering if there’s some unspoken fear on his part that is causing extra friction when you talk about this issue. He may well subconsciously view your former city as the location of his “failure” (getting laid off, not being able to find a job, etc. — even though those things were likely largely driven by factors outside his control, like the economy), which may magnify (in a bad way) his reaction when you talk about trying to return.

      It sounds like it’s hard for the two of you to talk about this issue calmly, since you mention it coming up frequently as an argument. Maybe the best first step is to find a therapist who can facilitate the conversation. If you’re at the point where you’re considering some sort of ultimatum, which it sounds like you are, getting help to talk about this issue as productively as possible sounds like it would be worth it.

      • Lawyer Bird

        I agree, if they want a family anyway. If they are planning on kids, they have a 3-year block of time where one parent could stay at home, and so it seems that there’s no time like the present.

        • Ruby

          Agree on perfect time to have kids if you want to someday. If not, I’m all for living somewhere you like, if it works financially. We moved to NYC as newlyweds and it was depressing because we had bad or no jobs at times. Life was hard. I wouldn’t do that again. We are now in smaller city but still city and it’s perfect.

    • Lyssa

      A few different thoughts:

      1) I really feel for you. This extended recession has put a lot of people in really bad situations.

      2) Agree with the advice above about wondering if there’s anything else about the marriage that makes you want to leave and about grad school often not being worth it.

      3) Also agree that temporary long distance could (emphasis could) be an option. If it helps, I went to law school 100 miles away from mine and my husband’s home, and it was doable. If you could find something where you stay during the week and come home every weekend, that might work out.

      4) What do you really hate about living there, and how can it be changed without moving very far? Most even small towns have surprising pockets of culture/nightlife/etc. Do some more research or try to get involved with some social organizations there; also consider moving to another part of town.

      5) Finally, though I am sorry to say it, I think that the general rule is that the person who wants a change automaticaly has the less favored position then the person who wants to keep things the same. You’ve already moved to be there, so unless there was some sort of agreement that you would move back in a certain specified period of time, I think that your husband has the more favorable position in this arguement. Even more so when you consider that he’d be leaving a good job to go somewhere where he has no job and you would also probably not have a job (or at least a full time job while going to school).

      Good luck and I hope that things do work out for you.

    • Divaliscious11

      I don’t understand why you are arguing about this every week. Do you have a job in the old city? You didn’t say how junior your husband is, but if he is hoping for an assistant GC position, he is likely pretty junior. Three years is not a lifetime, and the legal market is a mess, so leaving a job without having another is unwise. You mentioned you left your job. Are you working or doing something with your time? Doesn’t sound like you have a foot to put down. Sounds a bit selfish, actually, unless you have something lined up to replace his income, and whatever he has vesting, and the impact this may have on his career….

      How about you guys start working on what happens in three years if he isn’t promoted, or there is a corporate leadership change and a new GC with different plans for the department comes in etc…

      Why do you want to go to grad school? What do you want to study? Who is going to pay for it?

      Would you consider a dual-city marriage for a period of time, assuming you can afford it?

      • a.

        I’m not saying the OP should definitely go move wherever she wants, and damn the consequences–but, as someone who lives someplace that I absolutely loathe purely so I can be employed, it’s rough both mentally and emotionally. I have no close friends and no romantic prospects within a 50-mile radius of my front door (and I do all of the things that you’re always told to do to remedy those situations); I cannot do many of the things that I love doing, like going to art museums or concerts or cultural events, without making the same drive; there are no good restaurants, no bars, no nothing. It’s difficult to wake up every day and realize that all I have to look forward to is going to work, going to practice/running, going home, making dinner, then reading for a while and going to sleep.

        So, OP, I feel you. In your position I would definitely be considering the dual-city marriage.

        • Divaliscious11

          Believe me, I completely empathize, but this idea of demanding her husband leave his job that currently has prospects in this market so she can go back to the place where he couldn’t find a job to do…what? Maybe go to grad school…sounds more like a temper tantrum than a well reasoned option. There may be more data, but it isn’t posted.

          I get the challenges of being someplace for primarily work reasons – I am where I am for work, and my husband is 4 states away for work. It’d be insanely awesome if either one of us could be in the other place, but rather than one of us be stifled and miserable, we make due until the time we can make it work. Its not 15 years ago when you paid for long distance calls, there was no internet or skype, travel wasn’t relatively cheap etc….

        • Anon

          Speaking as a city girl who moved from a big city to a Midwestern city that is not Chicago for work, good luck! Can you travel more often? What kind of grad school are you interested in? Could you set up some type of volunteering or apprenticeship in order to learn more about your field of interest instead of waiting 3 years? Are there other ways you can develop these skills for the next 3 years?

          Like a., I moved for purely financial reasons. Although it is not as extreme, I feel similarly. It takes so much energy to make peace with living in a place I would never choose to live if not for economic necessity.

      • westwoodmom

        I agree with this as well. Three years is a very short time in the overall scheme of things. OP doesn’t post about what her career is (or what she wants it to be), but I get the sense her husband has the much more lucrative career and really likes his new position. Imagine going from being laid off to a great job with your spouse nagging you about the new job the whole time. My husband and I have lived all over the country for one or the other’s career. Our current city is not my favorite by a long shot, but it is very good for my husband’s career, and our kids (both sets of grandparents are relatively close). Marriage is full of sacrifices, and that only increases after having kids. My advice is to try to find happiness where OP is, at least for the short term, instead of constantly ruminating over what cannot be (honestly, I wonder how much patience her spouse is ultimately going to have for this).

    • sorry but

      why are you married, anyway? You fight about this weekly? Putting your “foot down?” The market is terrible right now, one of you has a great job, and it’s him. You’re not going to be there forever, but instead the next 3 years. What’s the big freaking deal about staying there the next 3 years? Maybe you’re just depressed, and if that’s the case, I’m sorry for my harsh tone. But either way, I think you need to be told that you’re acting very entitled . I think it’s awful that you’re making your husband defend himself on this constantly (or weekly).
      My husband and I were both underemployed for some time. I finally got a job that forced us to move to the suburbs – he didn’t like it, it wasn’t ideal for him, but he’s dealt with it, because that’s what you do in a marriage. He certainly doesn’t fight me about it every week. You should grow up.

      • LawyrChk

        Amen to this. Life/marriage isn’t all roses, and sometimes you have to make it work. Sounds like it’s now the OP’s time to suck it up and make the best of it.

        • Commuter Marriage (for now)

          I agree that marriage involves work and sacrifice, but when all the sucking it up is on one side, it’s easy for resentment to build up for the partner who is doing all the sacrificing. Not sure from the OP, but it doesn’t sound like there’s much equality in the current arrangement, and (in her second post) sounds like family/cultural pressure to give up on her own careers goals, which may make “3 more years” feel like it really means “why don’t you have kids and forget about going back to school”.

          I’m not defending the demands for instant job change, but I do think the OP has some very good points that she needs to work out with herself, and then with her husband.

          • OP

            “sounds like family/cultural pressure to give up on her own careers goals, which may make ‘3 more years’ feel like it really means ‘why don’t you have kids and forget about going back to school’.”

            This describes exactly how I feel. My husband and both our families are already starting to talk about children and to me “3 more years” sounds like a threat to my career aspirations.

            Shortly after my wedding I went to my parents for advice about this situation and my father actually said, “You’ll probably be pregnant in a few years and any it won’t matter anymore.” This basically sums up the mindset of the people around me and this is why I get extra defensive about the issue. I feel like I need to be my own advocate in this situation. I can see why some of the responses to my original post painted me as “entitled” or a brat but I hope this explains why my response is panicked. I don’t have friends or family supporting me in this situation.

    • Commuter Marriage (for now)

      This sounds so hard. You don’t say much about whether you are currently working or what field you are/were in, but it sounds like shortly before the wedding, you both had to make some very big changes. I wonder what kind of conversations you had about it at the time? in terms of how long the move to SmallCity would be, what kinds of career/school options there would be for you?

      It sounds like it has become a serious point of contention for you both, and I wonder whether doing some short-term therapy (ideally as a couple, or even just you if he’s not up for it) would help clarify what are the essentials for you and where the give can be. You sound pretty desperate right now, and that’s not the best place from which to be making major life-decisions. I will say that it sounds like you have given up a lot for the career move, it’s been 2 years, and you don’t have much that is giving you a sense of fulfillment or at least being occupied now.

      My husband and I are doing long-distance marriage now, because my career track had almost no options in the city we were living in, while he was promoted quickly in a very specialized position that doesn’t exist in most cities. It’s doable for us, it’s for at most 2 more years, and we see each other as often as we can. We support each other in our respective careers and agree that it’s worth the sacrifice to both have longer-term success and satisfaction in our careers, so I’m not worried that it’s a threat to our marriage. It does, however, make the planning for kids part rather challenging, to say the least.

      Happy to talk more about this if you want — it’s a tough place to be with no easy answers. Glad you’re reaching out for support. In the words of my favorite Curly Girl card: “Life is tough. I recommend getting a manicure and a really cute helmet.”

      • OP

        To the ladies that took the time to leave me helpful responses, thank you very much. It helps to know other people have been in this situation before.

        I realize that I didn’t make it very clear in my original post that the career I want I cannot pursue here so while I am now working (and I feel fortrunate that I do have some type of work) it is not in the field I am interested and took the job because it would be better than a hole in my resume. This is the biggest thing eating at me. If we stay here another 3 years, I’ll be in my early 30’s not even having started pursuing the career I want. I feel like I am in a holding pattern and am very concerned that if I don’t start building a career for myself now it will never happen.

        At the time we decided to move here the decision basically was this was the best thing on the table: it was an opportunity to go in house with a not-as-drastic pay cut as some other options. I expressed my concern but I felt that I need to support my new husband and marriage so I agreed. We knew there weren’t good options for me to go to school and my career choices were going to be very, very limited but we didn’t want to risk passing the opportunity up only to end up with something worse. Also, when I say “small city” the pop is 30,000 here. It is a rural farming community and there really isn’t any culture or nightlife and neither my husband nor I have made very many friends. We are both active with volunteer organizations in the community but there just aren’t a lot of young professionals around here.

        My husband understands my concerns but we haven’t been able to come to a solution. I don’t have any friends or family that have been faced with anything similar and my mother’s wisdom is that I should just be happy following my husband around (!) and I don’t need some “big career”. I know it sounds silly but I am not sure how to handle the situation; I have never seen anyone live it and my friends and family give me advice that my intuition tells me isn’t right.

        • non non non

          I think you should def start applying to grad schools and consider whether you and hubby can do a long distance marriage for a while, that way you can at least be furthering your career instead of wasting these years.

          I don’t know anyone in your exact situation, but myself and many others are in holding patterns due to this economy. Myself and many others I know have been out of law school for a bit, but can’t find jobs in our field. Do you even know what employment prospects are once you obtain your grad degree?

          Do you have any desire to have children? I thought I’d be a gung ho career woman, but now that I finished law school and don’t have a job I wish I never went. By the time the economy recovers and I may have a decent job, that will be the time I would need to take off to have children (the end of my fertile years.)

          I also feel like my love life is in a holding pattern during this job search, because I am prepared to just pick up and move across the country if I need to for a job, so I don’t feel like its fair to get in a relationship with someone when I’m ready to move anywhere anytime if it means a job opportunity.

          Sorry to lay my concerns on your. I think you definitely need to take some action for your career. Apply to school, get accepted, then work it out with hubby.

        • Commuter Marriage (for now)

          Not silly — if you have your own career goals that have already been put on hold for 2 years and now anticipated 3 more years, it makes sense that you would be frustrated and want a better sense that you are moving toward your goals in some way. Where I think your original post lost a little credibility with some of the other posters is when your dissatisfaction is translated into wanting your husband to quit his job to move to a bigger city for you (when the market is poor, there are good rationales for staying in his position for a few more years, and if you both moved, you would be going back to school and his income would be the primary support). Negotiating these tough choices, it’s really important not to think about your careers as a zero-sum game, either you win or he wins. Maybe there are middle-ground options that, while not ideal, will work for both of you. How far away is the nearest city with an academic program in your field? Would you consider going back to school if it meant staying in another city during the week and commuting back to SmallCity on the weekends?

          I don’t know if it helps to hear about how other people have negotiated dual-career challenges, but it’s key to not think about it in absolute terms (i.e., either “we” stay here or “we” move there). That’s why my husband and I are long-distance now — because I’m really junior in my field now, so it didn’t make sense for him to leave his really good specialized job (even though he doesn’t love it) in City A to follow me to City B where I am on a junior-sized salary. But, within two years, my earning potential will go way up, as will my marketability in other cities. At that point, I’ll be earning enough that my husband could take a pay cut to move to City B and our income would still be going up, or if he wants to stay in City A, my job prospects there go up too.

          Keep talking to your husband and try to work as a team to make a plan that allows both of you to get your needs met.

        • LStar

          Thanks for posting additional information. Given the additional background, it’s understandable that you hear “3 years” and think “OMG the rest of my life!” You mention that your husband understands your concerns, but I still wonder whether some counseling to work through these issues would be helpful. It sounds like just learning how to talk about each of your concerns about the situation in a more productive fashion could be really helpful for you both. This is particularly true given that it sounds like there are many others in your life who have opinions about what you both should and shouldn’t be doing. It’s so easy to assume that the other person understands what we’re saying in a certain way, or the implications of what we’re saying, and sometimes they just don’t, even if they are trying to understand.

          I do agree with others who have said that it’s not realistic to think that your husband should quit his job with nothing else lined up, especially if you’re going to be going back to school full-time and not working. But, I don’t get the sense that you’re really expecting or wanting that, so much as that you’re at a loss for what to do. It’s clear that you and your husband both have valid concerns about your current situation and making changes to your current situation, but given the additional background, it sounds like the first step is figuring out how to talk about your options more productively.

        • Ruby

          Fully understand your frustrations and they are valid. However I have been through similar tough times and trade offs and it’s weird but later on, a few years doesn’t seem as long/bad as it did during that time. I was very dismissive of the having kids thing back then too, but now regret that- doing it older, while in heat of finally getting into the career I wanted, is hard and near-totally exhausting and tougher because i”m older. I wish I’d had the sense to have a kid back then when I was in a career holding pattern so I could be freer now- but at the time I felt the opposite- that I had to get my career on track first, or I might never be able to. So I get how you feel. I’d say to the extent you can, be open to the possibilities the current situation holds, and know that if you have a passion and commitment to yourself to pursue other things later, that you will make it happen. In this economy, we can’t all be choosy about there where/when’s and can be grateful for all we have that is fortunate. That all said, I recall well the way the situations consumed me and I felt like I was in a hole I’d never dig out of. I did, and while I can’t look fondly back at those times, I am happy I still have a strong marriage- you can’t apply for a new one of those with a resume:) I hated when people would say “just have a baby’… but now I understand they weren’t being annoying, it was collective wisdom I should have considered. If we were never going to, that was irrelevant, but if you want kids, younger really is better especially if you are near family and have one stable income.

          Could there be things remotely you could do to keep your interests alive? I volunteered on an international committee that was all web/phone based which was a good credential and kept me in the loop on some things. Also I traveled to some conferences and tried to write a few articles here/there. All on the side of working busy jobs I hated.

        • Coach Laura

          Anon for this OP –

          What type of graduate program do you wish to undertake? There are some high quality MBA programs that are blended distance/residency programs. If you could attend one of these you could get your education, meet fellow students and get out of your small town for the residencies, all while still working. Here is a great program – Duke University Fuqua Global MBA link to follow- and there are others. There are similar programs in education and other fields.

          My other thought is that having kids before you’re 30 is a good option. First, even leaving off the small-town problem, if you wait to have kids until your career is established you may loose the chance to have them: Some women have no fertility problems after 30, some do. So having them now while you are “stuck” might not be a bad idea and it certainly doesn’t keep you from having a successful career after kids. Some women find that this is a better way to have kids, especially if you’re currently in a low-stress position. Then when your 3-year “sentence” in the small town is up, you can put your career into high gear because your kids will be older.

          If neither of these makes sense, a commuter marriage is better than a divorce or both of you moving without jobs in this economy. A commuter marriage would allow you to work on your career and stay married.

          Good luck!

          • OP

            Thank you so so much for sharing this program with me!! This sounds like something that could work for us and would possibly even by paid for by my employer.

            Thank you!

            I agree with you and everyone else who mentioned the “having kids” idea that it makes sense but when I really think about it I’m not quite sure I am ready to be a mother yet. So having said that I don’t think that would be the best option for us right now. A long distance program would definitely make me feel like I am working toward my career and not just “wasting time”.

          • Anonymous

            An mba is the degree you’re dying to get? Your career is on hold bc you can’t pursue your mba? How are you not emplyed in your field, yet think your employer will pay for the mba? Do you know most mbas are worthless? Do you have credentials that could get you into a top program?

          • OP

            Anonymous:

            An MBA is a requirement to move into my desired field. I am currently employed in a related field and my employer offers a very generous tuition assistance program.

          • Coach Laura

            OP, I’m glad you saw the comment…sometimes late in the weekend there’s a risk that a reply is missed.

            If you haven’t already, you can prep for the GMAT and do other things to get ready to apply. It may help your feelings of being “stuck” to have some positive movement.

            I went back for my MBA during the recession after 2001, which was a good way to distract myself from the dismal job scene, where I couldn’t get a higher-level job right away. And my employer paid for mine, too, so it was a win-win.

          • ruby

            not to beat a dead horse but most of us never feel ready for the kid thing… often we just realize later it could have been easier earlier. if it’s a now vs. when thing, it is worth thinking hard about.

            there are a lot of those weekend MBA programs around.

    • Portia

      Is there any way you can get involved in your field from where you are now? For instance, could you start your own business in the field (probably online, given the small market you’re living in)? Do relevant volunteer work in your community? Begin a blog focused on a particular topic which professionally interests you? Utilize your local library’s ILL program and online resources to begin serious research on the topic you think you would someday like to write your graduate thesis on?

      Also, look at graduate schools within a six hour drive or so. I have friends in social science/humanity programs who only have classes two or three days a week, because the graduate seminars tend to meet only once a week to leave students plenty of time to work on their individual research. It might be possible to spend two or three days in graduate school city and four or five days in small city with husband each week, which wouldn’t even count as a long distance relationship in my mind (obviously this wouldn’t work in all fields – I can’t imagine a med school that would allow for so little campus time).

  40. anon for this

    I’ve been in a deep depression for a few weeks. I’m trying to get out of it, but know from experience that I’m just going to have to ride it out. My boyfriend, who has a lot of great qualities but tends to lack empathy, has not been very supportive. A few days ago he was complaining that he doesn’t know what to do to make me feel better, and I suggested that he do a Google search and learn a little more about depression. Last night he came home and announced that he looked up depression today, and learned that exercise can be as effective as medication in treating it, so he recommends that I go get some exercise. I nearly strangled him. It figures that that would be the one thing he selectively takes from whatever reading he did. I asked him what else he learned, and he said that I definitely show signs of depression. Great – he’s an expert now. I just don’t have the energy to sit down and explain it to him.

    • cfm

      To be honest, you are not being fair to your boyfriend if you are taking no steps to help yourself. Are you seeing a therapist or on medication? If not, your just sending him to go look up information on it, he actually came back with the best answer for “home treating” depression. You asked him to go learn about it, he did and thought you showed signs. You are telling us right now that you do show signs. So he is not “an expert now” He is doing exactly what you asked him to do.

      Please take steps to help yourself feel better, and recognize that objectively, it sounds like your bf was trying to help did a good job. Are you exercising and eating right? Is there a source for the depression? Are you taking steps to get someone to talk to about it professionally? When I went through a period of depression, I just really wanted to wallow in it. I wanted to look gross and not do my hair and only wear pajamas. It sounds like you are doing your version of that. I hope you start feeling better

      • anon for this

        I’ve done everything I can think to do – meds, more meds, therapy, acupuncture, herbal remedies, going out, staying in, watching a funny movie, reading a good book, talking, not talking – and the depression hasn’t really budged, although I think it’s coming close to running its course. I can’t exercise very much right now because I’m recovering from an injury, but I went for a long walk yesterday and it unfortunately didn’t help at all. I’m vegan and maintain a pretty healthy, whole foods-based diet. I shower and fix my hair every day. I am doing some amount of wallowing, but I’m also really trying to get out of it.

        • cfm

          I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were doing all that from your first post.

          Just a not on the exercise, what really helps is getting that heart rate up, so a higher intensity than a walk. If your lower bodied is injured and you have access to a gym, the arm rower machines are like upper body bicycles might be an option. Lynnet’s paragraph below is beautiful and I hope you start feeling better

          • anon for this

            Thanks, cfm – you’re awesome. I hadn’t mentioned any of that in the first post, so there’s no way you could have known it. My walk yesterday was very slow – maybe I’ll try picking up the pace today.

        • Seattleite

          On the off chance you havcn’t tried it – light therapy? Also, ‘one long walk’ isn’t going to be helpful; daily light exercise is best for depression.

          WRT boyfriend, if you’re trying to mitigate the effects* on him, I think he just needs to accept that this is part of the You Package. *Not shirking chores or other responsibilities, not expecting him to soothe you through hours-long crying jags, etc.

          Either way, maybe take him to one or two of your counseling sessions. Depression never affects just the depress-ee, so it could both educate him and lend him some coping skills.

        • Ruby

          agree he shouldn’t come in with a one size fits all solution. i will share though, when i had a big slump a few years ago and tried all the things you name, cardio was the only thing that got me out of it. dancing in particular- salsa- the warmth, music, clothes, meeting new people, and above all the mind-body coordination and movement that let me let everything else go by focusing on the joy and execution of moves in those moments.

          him- let him know it’s complicated, you’ve been trying and he is just now joining you on the journey so to please respect the depth of research and trial/error you’ve already done. and to approach you with that attitude- ‘have you tried xyz? tell me how that went. what do you think about abc? here’s something you might already know that I just learned…’ etc. this has worked with my husband during that and pregnancy. i ordered lots of anxiety books online- cognitive behavior therapy in particular- found some more helpful than others. it’s hard to ‘work on yourself’ when you are tired from work etc with limited free time. but some of them had good ideas.

      • Hel-lo

        cfm is right. You told him what to do, and he did it. That’s not his fault. It seems he wants to help you out. Empowering him to do it effectively might be a good start.

        I know what you are going through is tough, and you weren’t asking for advice on how to get out of depression from us. But how long has it been going on? Could it be seasonal?

    • Lynnet

      First, I’m so sorry you’re going through this and that you’re boyfriend isn’t as supportive as he can be.

      I’m hoping that my experience with depression is similar enough to yours that you can just read this to him, without having to formulate what to say on your own.

      “Honey, I’m depressed. I’ve been depressed before, and I’ll probably be depressed again. It’s a cycle that I’m intimately familiar with, and I know what I need to get through it. When I’m depressed, my mind is constantly cycling through thousands of negative thoughts about myself. What I need from you is to hold me when I cry, and tell me all those negative thoughts aren’t true, again, and again, and again. I need you to not tell me what to do, because that implies that I’m doing something wrong, and feeds into the negative cycle. I know that probably isn’t what you mean, but my mind isn’t interpreting things rationally right now. I also need you to understand that I’m tired all the time. Getting out of bed is exhausting, going to work is like scaling Everest. I’m not going to start exercising, because just walking from one room to the other is sometimes more than I can handle. I’m going to spend hours just lying in bed or watching bad tv like a zombie. I need you to understand that and not make me feel bad about it. I’m sorry, I know that this is difficult for you, too, but what I really need from you right now is unconditional support.”

      • anon for this

        Lynnet – wow – thank you. Totally spot-on and very helpful. It’s wonderful for you to have typed this all out. I really, really appreciate it. You’ve definitely done your good deed for the day :)

    • Same Boat

      I feel for your frustration. I am a few months into a depressive episode myself and I know exactly what I *ought* to be doing – excercise, healthy eating, keep to regular sleep patterns, etc. – but find myself unable to do it. It’s the nature of the beast, unfortunately. So, when people make informed and useful suggestions, all I want to do is yell “I KNOW!” and crawl back under my duvet.

      http://www.wingsofmadness.com has a range of articles, including “When someone you know is depressed” and “Worst things to say to someone who’s depressed”, which could be helpful for showing people a glimpse of what depression can look like from the inside.

      Hang on in there, and let yourself wallow if that’s what it takes.

      • Lynnet

        I find that often when I’m depressed I feel really guilty about being depressed, which feeds into the negative thought cycle and makes things worse. All of those informed and useful suggestions just make me feel more guilty about being depressed, and feed back into the negative cycle.

        My husband is really good about accepting that I’m depressed and just going on with his normal life. Most of the time I don’t need help or advice or support, I just need to be left alone to wait it out.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      A close friend of mine and her bf recently broke up due to her bf’s mental illness. He just couldn’t handle her being around while he was dealing with it. She didn’t understand why he couldn’t just accept her love and let her help him. I found this video online that I thought would help her understand. Maybe someone on this blog will help your b/f too. It is written by a guy who used to be very overweight and very depressed and finally decided to deal with both. The video is with his ex girlfriend and he interviews her about what it was like to have to “deal with him” overweight and depressed.
      http://bendoeslife.tumblr.com/post/2629605461/anonymous-asked-you-said-in-your-120-pound

      • anon for this

        OP here – I’ve been reading this blog all weekend. What an inspiration! Thank you for sharing it!

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