ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 581 Comments

Weekend Open Thread

Via Spiga 'Persia' SlingbackSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. Nordstrom's shoe clearance sale has a ton of great deals — including this “Persia” slingback by Via Spiga. I like the Mary Jane style, the slightly pointy toe, and the fact that it comes in 3 widths. The beige color is almost entirely sold out (size 10, it may be your lucky day), but the black and gray patent are still available. The shoe was $198, but is now marked to $117.90. Lovely! Via Spiga ‘Persia' Slingback (L-2)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

581 Comments

    1. Me too, but too expensive for me!

      I have a RANT that I want the hive to opine on:

      I am now in my Fifth Year as an Associate, and my saleary is the same as a third year associate that laterealed in from a clearkship.

      She worked for a federal judge, so that was good, but should NOT I get more because I have 2 years MORE experence then she does?

      I think the manageing partner is trying to make me look bad just b/c I do a little less litigeation then she does. I prepare all the EBT’s and even take some and she goes into court b/c she knows some of the judge’s.

      What do you all think about the salary disreepencey? Who can I rant to if not to the hive?

      Thank you!

      2. The whole ELLEN schtick is off if the manageing partner is a woman. FOOEY! I have to say I’m dissapointed in the quality of the Ellen clones recently.

          1. The manageing partner is absolutely a man. Not only is he always “he,” but Ellen has also told us about his mustash, his wive, etc. Not to mention, of course, all the very hetero stareing he does all day.

            I agree that Ellen needs some additional creative oomph, however. She has mentioned that the manageing partner actually reads her posts here, which creates boundless possibility in my mind…

    2. Me too!!! I am a big fan of Via Spiga shoes generally — they tend to be well made and comfy, at least in my limited experience with the brand.

    3. Beautiful shoes. For some reason, my normally comfortable heels have been killing my feet. Maybe I’ve been wearing flats too much?

  2. Thanks to everyone who recommended Bare Escentuals matte a few weeks back – I really like it.

    New question for the hive: what is your favorite brand/style of cami to wear underneath sweaters/blouses? I have some ratty ones from Old Navy that I need to replace, and I especially need a nude-colored one for this sheer-ish white blouse I have. Thanks!

    1. BP from Nordstrom’s Jr’s department. They have strappy thin ones and thicker strapped ones, but both are very nice, wash well and hold up well. They’re pretty tight, and Jr’s sized, so size up, but they lay nice and flat because they have a lot of strech in them.

      1. Second. Love these. They really are the best ones I have found. Agree with the size up.

    2. About a month or two ago I got a few on sale at Target (Merona line I think) and they’re great (built in bra and everything). Surprisingly great actually.

    3. I like the Ann Taylor ones because they stay down, are pretty high, and have a nice finish on the top edge. They’re having a 30% off sale today for full priced merchandise.

      Also, you didn’t ask, but I’d wear a white cami under a sheer white shirt. Nude will just make it look like you’re, well, nude. But ymmv.

      1. See, I think nude would be better. White would look like you’re wearing a white cami under a sheerish shirt, whereas with nude there are fewer lines of demarcation so the sheerness isn’t quite as noticeable. I figure it’s the same theory as wearing a nude-for-you bra under a white shirt.

        1. I think it depends on how sheer the shirt is. Is it truly sheer, or something that’s just a little see through?

          3. You know, I just assumed nude would look better – I really didn’t give it much thought. Now I am going to have to try both – though all points (including Angie’s, thanks for the link, mamabear) are well taken.

      2. The AT camis are my favorite too. I like that the edge is a little polished, less undergarment-y or teenager-y to me. I wear nude camis under white shirts.

    4. My absolute favorite are Caslon brand from Nordstrom. Good price, great quality, nice fit (neckline is not too high or too low, hits at a nice spot on hip).

      1. Agreed. The Caslon ones fromm Nordstrom are great – they really stay in place and come in lots of colors. And the straps are wide enough to cover your bra straps. I also like the ones from the Limited.

    5. I swear by American Eagle, aerie, and Aeropostale tanks. Tend to be more Jr sizing, so may have to size up. You can usually get them on some sort of discount (I usually stock up when I can get them for like $8 each). Some have lace at the top and bottom, but many are just plain. They’re cotton with some stretch, and the ones I like have a built in bra. They’re not fancy by any means, but they’ve done the job for me for years.

      Examples of what’s available right now:
      http://tiny.cc/ahpeh
      http://tiny.cc/zg6q2
      http://tiny.cc/1lncy

      I’ve also used BP from Nordstrom, and the ones I linked to are very similar, but I prefer them to have a shelf bra.

      1. I also buy American Eagle shelf camis.
        I see you’d like a nude one, but I just love the vibrant colors especially the coral ones which are flattering on almost any skin tone

    6. In an effort to avoid moderation, here is the link-less version of my reply:

      I swear by American Eagle, aerie, and Aeropostale tanks. Tend to be more Jr sizing, so may have to size up. You can usually get them on some sort of discount (I usually stock up when I can get them for like $8 each). Some have lace at the top and bottom, but many are just plain. They’re cotton with some stretch, and the ones I like have a built in bra. They’re not fancy by any means, but they’ve done the job for me for years.

      I’ve also used BP from Nordstrom, and the ones I linked to are very similar, but I prefer them to have a shelf bra.

      1. I don’t understand how people wear camis with built-in bras! I always feel like I’m tugging at them. Maybe I’m just too large to get away with it. Do other big-b**bed people have this problem?

        1. I can’t wear camis with shelf additions for the same reason. You’re not alone!

        2. In the same boat. Shelf bras aren’t for the endowed, I’ve decided.

          1. Ding ding ding. Those of us more flat of chest have a few benefits, and this is one of them.

        3. My one friend who still wears shelf camis is 48 years old, has never been pregnant, and has been told at her mammos that she is unusually dense, i.e. sag-proof. I think the rest of us can’t get away with them once we’re out of our teens.

          1. I’m 45 & have given birth twice, havent worn a bra since early undergrad (except for sports bras for soccer & tennis) but have recently gotten a few shelf bra tops & I like them.

        4. I’m not very well-endowed, so that’s probably why. I always wear a bra under them though, not sure if everyone does that. I actually started wearing them as a teenager because I was less well-endowed, and it gave me a little extra boost when worn with a push-up bra.

        5. Add me to the chorus of not for the well endowed. Although I do have a couple soft ones I got from hanes that I sometimes wear around the house under a shirt to give my shoulders and back a break from the dig in straps of my bra. But never outside of the house and that habit is probably going to go away the second I notice any droop!

        6. I have no boobs and I hate shelf bras. I dunno, it’s just like–I’m going to wear a bra anyway, why is there this extra awkward piece of fabric. Does anyone have any recommendations for shelf-less camis? I could use some new ones, but can never seem to find them…

        7. I am flat so am actually grateful for any potential shaping. The built-in shelf is just one more layer.

    7. I like Ann Taylor camisoles – they have (or at least they used to) adjustable straps which make it nice for all different types of shirts, etc.

    8. The camis from The Limited are actually quite good and last a while (I have several in multiple colors). You can usually get white, black, and nude in store, though more colors are available on-line.

    9. I love the cotton ones from Norm Thompson. They have a built-in underwire bra (not just a shelf bra) so I don’t have to wear the bra + camisole + sweater. They have high-rise full-coverage ones that I often wear to work, and a lower-rise that I wear pretty much every weekend day in the summer.

      I don’t want to get stuck in moderation, so just google “norm thompson cami” and that item on their website should be the first thing that pops up.

    11. Forever 21! Especially if you are long of torso. I always had trouble with the Gap/BR/etc ones being too short, and the Forever 21 ones are nice and long, and only like $6.

      1. I like camis by Yummy Tummy (hate the name). They have several versions, some dressier than others. I like the little bit of midriff smoothing without any boob smush…they wash and wear well.

    13. Worthington seamless camis from JCPenny — love them. I wear camis daily and these are by far by favorite — and very reasonably priced.

    14. I have no comment on types of camis, but I have been told by my boss that I must inform my legal assistant that a cami is not appropriate outer wear. She wears sexy, tight, lacy, camisoles as shirts and tops. Sometimes, she covers the cami with a sweater or suit-jacket, but usually she just strides around the office in a short skirt and a cami top wearing what she calls “f” me high heels. Unfortunately, she has no supervisor (she is the top legal assistant in the office– she supervisors the other legal assistants).

      I have no idea how to approach her; she takes offense easily and carries grudges forever. I’d appreciate ideas for a tactful approach. Thanks!

      I ha

      2. Capitol Hill Style has a great post on how to let someone know that their clothing is inappropriate. This might be helpful for you as jumping off point on how to talk to her. I think it is bad form on your boss’ part because you shouldn’t be the one having to talk to her. Maybe he is concerned about being brought up for sexual harassment charges if he talks to her about her clothes.

    1. If your friend/coworker/SO buys them for you then you’re not shopping….

  4. Yay, weekend thread!

    I’m thinking about running my 2nd half marathon in mid-April. I ran my first one in November and enjoyed it a lot. For my first half, I did a 12-week training program that gradually built up the miles on the longer-runs. I was wondering if anyone has any thoughts on how much training I need to do for the second half in April. Right now I’m running about 25 miles a week–about 5 miles at a time on the treadmill 5 day, but as the weather gets nicer I’ll start doing longer runs on the weekend. I did a 10-mile fun run on Christmas Eve Day without any prep beyond my weekly routine and I was fine. I was thinking I was just going to do some 8-12 miles runs the few weekends before the race day, but I wondered if anyone had any other thoughts.

    1. Is your goal to finish or to PR?

      If it’s to finish, then your plan of doing some 8-12 milers sounds fine. If you want to PR, I’d find or come up with some kind of training program to make sure you get the right mix of speed/tempo/distance/rest to be ready to hit your goal time.

    2. You sound in great shape to me (in more ways than one…ha…ha…?). You’ve got a good base and you can comfortably do 10 on any given day, so assuming you’re not shooting for a super-speedy finishing time, I think you’re good to go. Crank out 12 miles two or three weeks beforehand to psych yourself into it (“well, I KNOW I can do 12 and feel just fine afterwards, so what’s 1.1 more miles, especially with all that additional adrenaline?”).

      For what it’s worth, my weekly average tends to be 20-25 miles a week (with the occasional long run of 10-12 miles), and I’ve done two marathons where my only real prep was a 16-miler two weeks out. As long as you’re just looking to finish and have a good time (high-fiving cute kids spectating, cheering the random guy playing his guitar on the sidewalk, kissing babies, etc.), you’ll be terrific. I used to train a whole lot more for races when I was in law school, and my only unpleasant races happened when I was underprepared and knew it and still tried to beat my previous time. Good luck!

    3. Runner’s World online has a great tool called Smart Coach. Input your mileage, your race date, how hard you want to train and a recent time and it spits out a program for you. I’ve used it for multiple halfs and love it. I used it for a 6 week program once and it gave me the speed workouts I was supposed to do.

    4. I’m training for one right now, and even though I am a regular runner I always start from the beginning of the training plan. My theory is that this is the best way to avoid injuries. Obviously if you’ve been running six miles per day, three days per week, that is a little different.

      FYI, I’ve run two marathons, three half-marathons, and countless shorter runs.

    5. Thanks for the feedback! I just signed up for the race!

      I was on the fence about it, but then earlier this week I was talking with a co-worker who is training for this race and I got to thinking about how much fun I had with the November race. The last 3 miles were kind of awful, but then when it was over, it was like…wow I just did that! And then the nap I took after a long runs was some of the most delicious sleep of my life.

      I’m no speed queen, I just think organized races are fun.

    6. I will sign up for a half marathon on April 1st.
      I want to finish it, ideally in 2 hours. I know this is short especially for a non runner but I’m hoping that my overall fitness will get me through it.
      I’ll start running as of tuesday with about 18-20 km total per week.

  5. What should I wear to the opera? My SO is taking me to an evening performance, but I’ve never been to an opera, and I don’t know what to wear. I don’t own any fancy gowns. I’d like to wear something I own rather than buying something just for the one night. Would an LBD dressed up with jewelry or a nice wrap be appropriate? For reference, I live in a casual CA city.

    3. I think it depends on the venue and the local attitude. I think you can totally get away with LBD, etc. (as long as it isn’t an opening night gala that specifies black tie). My large Midwest city has opera, orchestra, theater, etc. and you will get everything from jeans and a sweater shirt to dressed up. In that continuum, dressed up is usually LBD (ladies) and a suit (not tux, for the guys).

    4. In New York people usually go to the Met in dress clothes — men in suits, women in dresses. An LBD dressed up would be well within the range of appropriate. I’ve almost never seen “fancy gowns” there — I think that’s reserved for opening night.

      1. Yes, this is true. Formalwear is for opening night galas only. For all other performances, non-formal dressy is perfect.

    5. I think for most cities and for most opera houses (unless its the Met), unless its opening night you’re just fine in what you’ve described. Some older couples might be more dressed up, but some people will be even less formal (if I had to guess).

    6. Recently went to the Kennedy Center in DC for a holiday performance and wore a silk and embroidered cream and black c-cktail dress with a fun gold and pearl hair comb. Most people were dressed at that level of formality.

      I think an LBD with a nice fancy wrap sounds great.

    7. I’ve only ever been to the opera in Midwestern cities, so YMMV.

      I usually wear a c*cktail/semiformal short dress with heels. I usually use it as an opportunity to wear super high heels because you’re sitting the whole time, and bright red lipstick because why not. Everytime I’ve gone, I see people wearing everything imaginable, from little old ladies wearing full formal attire (sequined jackets) to people in jeans and sneakers.

      Whatever you do, though, wear something comfy to sit in for an extended period. I’d stay away from anything real tight in the waist or that bunches way up to your hips when you sit (I can’t explain this real well, but some dresses just seem to do this to me).

    8. I went to the Met recently and just wore the black dress I had worn to work–it was perfectly fine. There was a wide range of clothes.

    9. We have season tickets to the Opera in Seattle and every time I go, I have the most fun looking at the outfits. Most promenient clueless outfits in Seattle are 1) guys wearing jeans, polar-fleece jackets and sandals with socks – quintessential NW native clothing; 2) Little old ladies wearing circa 1980 long skirts with opaque knee highs and orthopedic shoes. 3) Little old men wearing lumberjack plaid jackets.

      Love seeing some LBD or sparkly but not over the top dresses, tasteful jewelry and sexy shoes. People watching can be fun.

      1. oops, you beat me, Coach Laura, didn’t mean to copy you. ;o) dress-watching for the win!

    10. honestly, in west coast cities there is a huge range of dress at the opera. Even a *ton* of ppl in jeans. An LBD will be perfect, you will fit right in! Altho, one of my favorite parts of going to the opera is hanging out in the lobby and checking out all the amazing dresses and shoes!

      and i’m so excited for you, have a great night!!

  6. Hey Corporettes,

    Today is my 24th birthday (24 on the 24th – woohoo!). As a regular reader/commenter, I’d like to ask for the collective wisdom of the hive, if I may: What’s one thing you wish you knew when you were 24?

    It could be anything from the frivolous (like it’s totally okay to wear white after Labor Day) to the serious (like don’t worry so much. Seriously. It’s gonna be fine.). I did this on my last birthday and got the most incredible responses (that I saved and revisit from time to time), so I couldn’t help doing it again.

    Thanks in advance!

    (Reposted as my first comment got stuck in moderation limbo).

    1. I wish I had known that clothes that fit somewhat “snugly” are actually MORE flattering then clothes that are baggy or shapeless.

      I wish I had known that 24 is really young and that I didn’t need to know what my 10 year plan was, no matter what they told me in job interviews.

      I wish I had known that making friends at 25 is not as easy as it was at 22 and you have to work at it more — so don’t be so complacent about keeping in touch with your old ones!

      1. Oh, and that tucking in your shirt actually DOES make you look more mature and like you have a waist. Even though I hate proving my mother right.

        1. Maybe for some people. My (…I’m gonna go with “honest”) sister told me when I tuck in I look like a butch lesbian. Even my mom, who bought me a bunch of “must tuck in shirts” at one point saw me wear them and was like….um, maaaaaybe not.

          1. I suppose every rule may have an exception.

            Though perhaps its the shirts and not the tucking? :-P

          2. A coworker of mine once described herself as looking like a “women’s basketball coach” when tucking in her shirts. I still giggle when I think about it.

            And yes, for the long waisted among us, tucking is a must. Thanks for the reminder (and the other fab advice)!

        2. Yeah, sorry. Tucking depends on body type. Even at my thinnest, tucking was not my friend. Short waist + big breasts = unattractive.

          1. Fine. Though this was advice to MY 24 year-old-self (who really needed to tuck in her darn shirts and brush her darn hair).

            I will broaden it. Don’t ignore valid fashion advice from your mother, just because it comes from your mother. Sometimes she is right.

          2. OMG me too!! 5’1″, 30″ short waist… if I tuck, it looks : neck, boobage, skirt/pants — where’d my waist disappear to??

    3. Learn to make one thing really really well, so if you have a dinner party/friends over you can wow them with your skills. I find most people in the mid-twenties don’t know how to do this, and it is a skill I’m glad I have now that I’m a bit older.

      1. oh yes! I still haven’t learnt how to make anything to a standard that I would serve to someone I wasn’t related to, but I wish I had.

    4. I wish I’d known that the economy was going to go to hell and that law school (which I started at 26) wouldn’t be a guaranteed pre-written career path. I also wish that I’d specifically sat down with people who might have had power over my career (In my case, superiors at the large insurance company I worked for) and said “I’m bored with my job here, but I’d like to stay with the company, what can I do to advance?” (as opposed to jumping ship for LS). Relatedly, I wish I’d known to keep better track of people who can help me in my career and specifically ask them for help, rather than wait for them to offer.

      I wish that I’d known that it’s not crazy to seek a hearing aide even if you’re young and the problem’s not super-bad. (I struggled from childhood to about 27.)

      I wish I’d known that your system gets really weird when you go off birth control pills.

      I wish I’d known not to sleep in my contacts.

      I also wish that I’d known that the time between 20 and 25 passes a heck of a lot more slowly than the time between 25 and 30!

      Happy birthday!

      1. Ditto on the career advice. At 24, both my husband (then, just a friend) and I were in low-level positions at “dream job”-type companies—think New Yorker or Miramax. We both just kind of stagnated at our respective jobs and grew frustrated and moved on (to much less exciting companies). The problem wasn’t in our work product or with our bosses. The problem was that we didn’t know how to say: in x years, I’d like to be an editor/producer/___ here. What can I do to earn it? I remember being so very intimidated by the legendary co-editors at the publication where I worked. It wasn’t until one of the editors died that I learned s/he was known for being open to hearing from new/young writers and gave many of them their first starts.

        Not unrelated: at 24, I wish I’d had the guts to write the damn novel. I have finally written it, but I spent far too many years being jealous of my peers—years I could have spent becoming a better writer!

    5. I wish I had known to trust my gut, even if I couldn’t necessarily articulate WHY it was telling me something.

      I wish I had known that “because I want to” is a good enough reason, as long as I’m not being unkind or exploitive.

      I wish I had actually internalized the miracle that is compound interest.

    6. Harder for me to answer since my mom died when I was 24 and life was very uncertain. I guess I wish I knew that I’d be a strong woman just like my mother and my grandmother.

      And:
      It’s ok to buy shoes and clothes and not always on sale.

      Don’t carry debt (especially credit card debt) if you can help it. Live within your means.

      But most of all, the thing I’ve learned is that I don’t have to know what the future will hold. At this point in my life, I’ve completely relaxed about it and have let go of having to know or worry about it. I know that if I’m a good person and I do good things, my life will turn out great, no matter how bleak it may look at any given moment. And trust me, I’ve been through a lot! (deaths, divorce, Hurricane Katrina)

    7. I wish I had known that it is okay to fail.

      I wish I had known how to work with numbers, so I would have realized that going to law school would really put me in the hole (even with a scholarship).

      I wish I had known that friendships take a lot of work to maintain, and if you don’t make an effort, how can you expect others to do the same for you.

      I wish I had known to pay more attention to my mom, she has almost always been right.

      I wish I hadn’t waited so long to get therapy because your issues will not get better if you just sit there and make excuses for yourself.

      I wish I had known how to sit back and enjoy the ride because being an adult is harder than I ever imagined.

      1. “I wish I hadn’t waited so long to get therapy because your issues will not get better if you just sit there and make excuses for yourself” – YES! Even if you think your issues ‘aren’t bad’ or you don’t have a diagnosable condition, it’s always useful to become aware of and actively work on the way you react to and think about things and people in your life.

    8. These are 10 tips I would tell my 24 year old self (10 years ago):

      1. Even though you have wrinkless, flawless skin and “will never age because you just won’t”… you will so use wrinkle cream now and wash your face every night.
      2. Embrace your body as it is today because no matter what you think, it will change in your 30’s in ways you never thought it would change (even if you don’t have kids).
      3. Be excited if you feel like you have accomplished tons and are finally getting a hang of life. Because, it only gets bigger and better from here so you can relax a bit and just enjoy being you.
      4. The 2nd half of your 20s will be awesome so embrace it instead of dreading getting older. You will learn more about yourself, life and others and you reach milestones that will shape your life even if you don’t realize it at the time. Hang on, it’s a fun and wild ride.
      5. You will learn that true love means something totally different than what it meant in your early 20’s (applies to friends, family, etc.). Get excited.
      6. If you are not already married, sit down tonight and write a list of the qualities and characteristics you want in a partner. Then loosly rank them (such as, put the non-negotiables at the top, etc.). Use your list as your guide for when you are wondering “is this person really right for me?”
      7. That trip your girlfriends just asked you to take with them and that you think you are too busy for? Take it. You will remember those times forever.
      8. Start paying attention who is good in your life and who is not.
      9. Start putting money in your 401k now. It doesn’t have to be tons, just start.
      10. Live. Practice being in the present. Goals are essential but don’t forget to live your life right now too.

      Happy Birthday!!!

      3. Though for number 6. Put the list in a drawer and in ten years when you end up married to a guy take it out and read it. I bet it will make you lol.

        1. I made a list when I was 14, I’ll be 29 in a few weeks and recently found the list again. Every single thing on the list is still true… sometimes we’re smarter before the world teaches us how to settle!

    9. I wish I’d taken a job doing what I love to do at seriously no money/entry level rather than opting for bigger dollars at the time to do something I didn’t love. If you love what you do, the money will eventually follow.

      1. I wish I’d been brave enough to identify and go after one of my real dreams instead of taking the “safe” path because I couldn’t decide which dream to pursue.

        I wish I’d spent more money on experiences and less on food and alcohol.

        I wish I’d spent more money on clothes and on figuring out a style, instead of just buying whatever I could find at goodwill that was in good condition.

        I’m very glad I traveled internationally twice in my early 20s, even though it wasn’t the most financially responsible thing to do.

        I’m glad I put extra effort into keeping up with old friends and making new friends, even when I didn’t really have time.

    10. Oh, and happy birthday, and your nail polish color choices don’t really matter at all.

      2. Oh! Neither do your hose choices or your hair length choices. Or probably your eyebrow shape choices.

        Or how frequently you get a pedicure.

        Or what your favorite c*cktail is. (or movie. or book.)

    11. Dear 24 year old mamabear,

      You’re really still a babybear. Don’t take yourself so seriously. You do not know everything, even though you think you do. You have a lot to learn. Listen to your mother. Floss.

      You will never be more beautiful or younger or healthier than you are today. Enjoy it! Show it off! Do not tear up photos of yourself. Do not be so damn self critical.

      Lastly, think twice about that perm.

      Signed,
      47 year old mamabear

    12. I would tell myself… work isn’t everything! All those backaches, headaches, and TMJ symptoms are tied to your stress levels. Stop trying to squeeze so much into the day and learn to let go and appreciate your life. Also, meditation, restorative yoga, hot baths, and adequate sleep are essential for your health.

      That ultra negative co-worker? She’s making you paranoid. Stop listening to her! She may seem experienced and all-knowing, but she is getting you off track.

      Go on that camping trip. Take that trail run. Sit by that lake. I know you’re tired, but watching netflix on the couch is not going to give you the life you really want.

      Living by yourself is worth the money. You can afford it. I know you like to pinch pennies, but move on from the annoying roommate situation.

      Have deference for your supervisor. Remember that arguing about changes in various projects isn’t going to make your co-workers want to work with you. Make it easy for them. Keep it light. Stop taking yourself so seriously. Stay humble.

      Be honest about what you want in your relationships and don’t be afraid to ask for it. You just might get it! Have faith that good things will happen to you.

      Seek out inspiration wherever you can find it. You will learn so much!

      1. “Go on that camping trip. Take that trail run. Sit by that lake. I know you’re tired, but watching netflix on the couch is not going to give you the life you really want.”

        Fantastic reminder. Thank you from my 42yo self (birthday not ’til May)!

    13. Somehow everything works out, even when it seems like it isn’t going to.
      It’s not all downhill from here, its uphill so look forward to it, don’t dread it. I’ve enjoyed my 30’s so much more than any other decade.
      If you want to and have the freedom to do all sorts of crazy things with your hair, because one day you won’t be able to!
      Nothing is a sure thing in your career, even if the economy is great. And (if it should ever happen) getting fired is usually a good thing in the long run.
      Have fun and adventures, no matter what your age!

    14. I wish that I had known that random hook-ups didn’t work for me, I could outright ban them for myself, and my dating life would actually improve as a result (no judgement – at all! – just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to figure that out for myself).

    15. I think I remember your last birthday thread! Happy birthday!

      Whatever I said last time, I will now add one year later: the more rejections and the more accolades I rack up, the less meaning I attach to either of them. Life sometimes delivers amazing praise to you, and other times it can be very harsh. Sometimes these opposite messages even come from the same source. Know your own worth, and know that all external measures of it are fleeting and, to at least some degree, arbitrary.

      This is something I wish I knew at 30…which is my current age.

      1. One more thing, just as an addition to some others’ comments: if you don’t like the idea of never looking better than you do today, let that part go. I am more attractive now than I was at your age, in every way and by everyone’s agreement. I know better what works for me, I am more confident, and (ugh) yes, I look better in a bikini. The “ugh” is because I feel kind of silly even bringing it up–but it’s true. Some people physically “bloom” later. I don’t mind being one of them, and I also don’t dread the passing years because I know they can bring positive changes, including on the outside.

    16. In “I Feel Bad About My Neck” (one of the all time great books), Nora Ephron says something like, If you are 25 and you are reading this, go put on a bikini and do not take it off until you are 30 (i.e. make the most of your pre-childbirth body).

      When I was 24/25, I wish I’d known that it was OK to step off the career path for a while — or take a more roundabout career path — and make the most of my relatively uncomplicated life (i.e. no mortgage and no kids) to live abroad, be a river guide, travel around, etc. I can still do it (after the kids are out of the house), but I wish I’d done it then!

    17. Don’t take things personally.
      Be tough – emotional resilience is key.
      You can’t control life/people but you can control how you respond.
      Life is too short to be with crappy people.
      Really get to know yourself and identify what you like/don’t. This will make it easier to walk away from situations that are “not you”.
      Make yourself happy, don’t wait for anyone else to do this and do something that makes you happy every day.
      Don’t make any irrevocable choices until you know yourself.
      Only buy clothes that you love – if you feel comfortable in it you will look good. Just because it is trendy doesn’t mean it is for you.
      Eat when you are hungry. Diets are a waste of mental space.

      1. I love this thread. Food for thought!

        Now I’m feeling that I should lighten up at 20.

      2. Don’t forget about your SO while you are climbing the corporate ladder.

        Remember your career isn’t everything.

        Trust your gut and get a second opinion when it comes to medical issues.

    18. Don’t spend 2 hrs every day worrying about how big your tummy is and how much it sticks out. I did this for probably 3 years. Total waste of time (yes, I was very near anorexic). Enjoy life instead!

      1. You can’t change anyone but yourself. Don’t waste time trying to change or fix others.
        Use sunscreen and moisturizer every day.
        Make time and spend a little money to make memories with your friends and family…you will be surprised at how much those memories will come to mean to you…so much more than any “thing” you might purchase.

    19. I’m going to word this slightly differently but I hope it answers your question…

      I wish for your 24th year that:

      **you will take the time to learn your body. Learn what foods your stomach hates, what “revs your engine,” what hair style you feel most attractive with, and what are your favorite parts of your physical self. Learn what is normal for you and your parts so you can be your own advocate in a doctor’s office, the bedroom, and in the mirror.

      **you will continue to find your voice, adding in the lessons you learn, removing the people who don’t treat you as you deserve, and keeping hold of the aspects of your life that you most cherish.

      I know I might have gone a bit unconventional in the way I answered it, but I hope it wasn’t too outside the lines. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

      1. I love this thread! I’m turning 24 in May, so definitely excellent food for thought.

      2. Thank you, thank you, thank you! What great wishes, especially the last one.

    20. Happy birthday!!

      I wish my 24-year old self had not racked up credit card debt, so my advice is to work on building good credit. Don’t put stuff on your credit card if you can’t afford to pay for it immediately. Pay off your card every month. I think the advice is to use each card twice a year for up to 15% of your limit and pay it off right away to get the highest credit score you can based on the available credit factor of credit scores. Live within your means and save to do fun things, which leads me to point of advice 2…

      Get out and do things! Make memories! Spend time with friends but also get out and do things on your own and discover how resilient you are. Take lots of pictures!

      Something I just started doing is keeping “The Awesome List.”. On New Years Day I went back through my pictures, calendar, and Facebook feed and made a list of all the cool things is done during 2011, big and small. It was fun to put together. This year I’m keeping track as I go along and already have quite the list going. It’s important to remember all the good times you’ve had, especially if you are feeling down, and so nice to aw everything you’ve accomplished.

      Happy birthday and enjoy 24!

    21. I wish I had known that the problem is not the problem/mistake/whatever, it’s how you react to it.

    22. I wish I had known that all the men I would date until I was 30 were not worth a fraction of the energy that I put into my relationships (or attempts to have relationships) with them.

      I also wish I had known to start saving for retirement, even just a little bit.

    23. Wear sunscreen. A lot of it. Your skin will show sun damage when you get into your 40s, if not before, and life is not over at 40. You’ll still want to look good.
      Go to happy hour less, and go to church more. I wish I had back all the money I spent in bars in my 20s. Hopefully you have more self-control than I did. Also, you won’t meet nice guys in bars, but you might meet them in church.
      Do volunteer work (see above re: nice guys in bars). Plus, helping people makes you feel better about life.
      Start a retirement plan, and put some money in it every month. Someday, you will want to retire, and it helps to have some savings.
      Advice from someone who’s 51, with crows’ feet, age spots, very little in savings, too much credit card debt, and divorced.

    24. Figure out what your priorities are and live your life accordingly. For example, if your number one priority really is to be at a certain point in your career by a certain age, realize that it will affect your personal life. I learned the hard way at a very young age (17) that I should put family first, and ever since then, that’s what I’ve done. Sure, I’ve gotten poor grades on tests, and I’m not at the same place in my career as others my age are, but I have a family I adore and I love my work. Not many people can say that.

      Also, don’t hate your body. Others are too worried about hating their own bodies to worry about that slight pooch or hint of cellulite. A person’s worth is not measured by their dress size.

      1. This is kind of a downer. Spend time with the people that you love now because they may not be there later when YOU finally have time (or think you will). Also, the people who aren’t there for you when times are bad, are not really worth investing any more effort into.

  7. LBD and nice jewelry will look great and will be appropriate. I’ve been recently and people really don’t dress up as much as you would expect, especially in a more laid back town. Enjoy the show.

  8. Hi, gals. This weekend I will help my hubby with his essays. He is applying to get a master’s degree in finance. One of the essays asks what is the weakest part of his application. What approach do folks usually take for these application essays? His weakest part is probably his GPA (2.6), while his strength is his over 5 years of work experience in finance. He’s applying to second and third tier schools.

    1. I think that’s a great opportunity to explain a lower GPA. Why was his GPA low? Was he taking care of sick family members? Part of a school team? Working on the side to pay for school?

      1. Or did he just really like beer. Then he has to explain how he’s matured since then. :-P

        1. Too funny… I actually had a line that said “If all he did was sit around and play video games…” but then I couldn’t figure out how to end it. But yes, explaining subsequent maturity would work :)

      2. TCFKAG is correct. :) To make matters worse, he finished undergrad in a whopping 5.5 years, and he really doesn’t have a good excuse for that either. He admits he just didn’t take it very seriously and he regrets it. Now he works for a large financial institution as a senior analyst and he will get good recommendation letters from his bosses there.

        1. The pitch he probably has to make is “I was emotionally immature in college and didn’t take it seriously, I have since matured greatly and excelled at my field. But, in college, when I cared about something I did well. Look at xyz thing I DID do well in college (he must have done something well in college).”

          2. Hey! I won best female beer pong player in law school, I’m damn proud of that sash!! :-P

    2. He should use the essay to explain the circumstances that led to that GPA, and then detail what he learned from it (or has since learned, during his five years of work experience) and why the grad program can be confident he will do better than a 2.6 if they admit him. Basically, he needs to confront the GPA head-on, because they will certainly notice it.

    3. Just so you know, you’re not alone in this. My husband is the smartest man I know and he spent most of his college career (6.5 years!) drunk and watching man-fight movies. He applied for a professional career-switching program and with his 2.3 GPA, he had to interview and write essays and do all sorts of things that proved he had matured/was intelligent.

      It was a really difficult time, in that he *needed* to get into one of those programs, we didn’t know if he could, and although I knew he was so smart (I met him after college, when he had his act together) I didn’t know that he had a 2.3 GPA and I was a little resentful, as I had worked very hard through college for what I had while he basically had a series of lucky events while he ever so slowly grew up.

      I’m just saying, I know there are a lot of other issues here too. And maybe I needed to get that rant out. :)

      1. I have a similar husband. Totally brilliant, but had a semester where he just decided he didn’t care about school (I think he failed every class except one he got a D in). Just stopped going. He had done really well up to that point, but that semester and a couple of lackluster ones after that left him with something like a 2.7 GPA. Now he’s considering going to a master’s program or getting a second bachelor’s degree (probably the easier path), and really having to struggle to explain it, since there really wasn’t any good reason for it.

        1. Are you me? My husband was exactly the same…his passion in college was video games (we were still just dating then), while I was gung-ho about school. Fast forward several years later, he’s a very successful business owner, and I’m going back to school after realizing that my first career wasn’t for me. So, to each his own- we learn so much about ourselves after college. I’m sure whatever he decides to put down will be fine- good luck to him!

      2. my cumulative GPA in undergrad was a 2.3 (for many reasons, some within and some outside my control), major GPA was a 3.2, and I had a 1020 GRE when I applied to grad school. Not stellar. I was turned down at all 5 schools when I first applied. Then I decided to not just apply and wait. I called and made a meeting with the Dean of the program I wanted to get into and said, “I’m going to be a part of this program, please tell me how to get there.” He told me to take 3 grad non-degree courses in the program, get a recommendation letter from one, and come back at the end of the term. (Little did I know, the 3 courses were taught by tenured professors with a reputation for grading tough and not giving out many recommendation letters.) I emailed each, explaining why I wanted to be in the program, how much I looked forward to taking their classes, etc. On the first day of each, I introduced myself after class and made a remark specific to something the professor said. At the end of each class, as I left, I thanked them for the lesson. Nothing major, just “thanks, see you next week!” on my way out the door. I participated in class, I came prepared. The week before the final exams, I wrote all 3 an email thanking them for what they taught me and reminding them that I was in the process of applying to the program and asked if they’d consider putting in a good word for me with the Dean (whom they all knew). In the end, I walked into the Dean’s office with 3 As and 3 letters of recommendation. The Dean walked the application to the admissions committee at the end of the day (a Friday) and I was accepted the following Tuesday.

        For the record, I ended up finishing my Master’s with a 3.9 GPA and was elected the graduation speaker.

        My (long-winded) point? I really believe most anyone can get in, regardless of their past mistakes, you simply need to prove to the school why they should choose you now and how you’re different or your situation is different from what it was when the lower scores occurred.

        2. thank you so much for sharing this! I am interested in a very competitive grad program but I keep beating myself up because of my lackluster ugrad gpa…and assuming that means I must not be intelligent enough to belong in said program. Can I ask how did you get an appointment with the dean?

          This story makes me feel like there is hope!!

          1. So glad to be helpful! I emailed the Dean (knowing that his receptionist probably read through his mail first and scheduled his appts.) and said that I was a student strongly considering —– program and would love to speak with him directly about some of the finer points that are most specific to — school, as opposed to their competitors. I said that my schedule is most open on say, Wednesday afternoons or Monday mornings and I look forward to meeting in the next couple of weeks.

            I figured the worst that could happen is that they refer me to the program mouthpiece, but instead, the response was, “I am able to see you for a 30 min. appt. on such and such a date and time. Please confirm.”

            I think so many are afraid of the Deans of school programs that they aren’t typically asked, so it’s harder to turn the few requests down OR they see the person as being serious and, since they want serious students, it’s worth their time.

    4. What’s his GMAT/GRE score like? If it’s stellar that should help balance it. If it’s just good, that helps some but won’t totally negate the GPA.

      Some grad schools will grant “conditional acceptance” meaning that if he gets an “A” or “B” in his first class(es), then he can continue. I’ve even seen some B-schools that require students to take an upper division undergrad Finance class and prove that they can get an “A” in it before they’ll admit.

      Good luck to him.

      1. Thank you Coach Laura and everyone else who responded for your advice. To answer Coach Laura’s question, he will not submit GMAT or GRE scores. The schools he is applying to issued him waivers due to his years of work experience. He’s been four different kind of financial analyst at a large bank, and now a large very well known brokerage firm. A master’s in finance would still open up doors for him.

        It’s amazing how decisions we make when we are young can affect us later in life. I was blessed with a father, may he rest in peace, who raised me and my sisters to be very driven from the start. I don’t think I would have earned my JD with honors at age 25 without that kind of support. My hubby’s parents were hippies and they didn’t give him that kind of direction. I’m not blaming them. They raised a good man and my hubby is responsible for his own actions. I had my share of fun, but there was no way I would let my Dad to see a C on my college report card.

  9. How to clean sheepskin / shearling shoes?

    I have a pair of slippers that need to be cleaned, but I’m not sure how. I’m referring mainly to the inside, furry area which I’m convinced is harboring dirt and germs – although the outside suede could use some attention, too.

      1. I think a lot of dry cleaners have signs saying “We clean UGGs”. Those should be able to help you out with the slippers.

      2. I have those exact slippers and put them in the washing machine and dryer on delicate.

    2. Are they genuine shearling? Wool has great mosture-wicking properties and lanolin has anti-microbial properties. Does the inside of the slipper smell or look awfully dirty? I’ve had some shearling slippers that I normally wear without socks for 3 years, and I’ve never bothered to wash them. They do not smell and don’t look particularly dirty, and I’m someone who has sweaty feet/F.O. issues. :)

  10. Universe, thank you for being so nice to me. You rock. Happy weekend everyone!

    1. Godzilla, you rock, too! In fact, you’re one of my favorites. Signed, The Universe. :)

    2. Planning on staying away from the nail polish at Sephora this weekend?

      P.S. You sound awesome. The universe should be good to you.

    3. So that’s why my week has sucked so much. Godzilla is stealing all the Universe juju for herself.

      Also….aren’t you in Guatemala? Get off Corporette!

      2. Yeah, we’ve got: Dayname handles; Monthname handles; KludgeofProfessionname handles; Literary handles; Monster/critter handles; Initial handles; Placename handles; and a few Name handles. It can be difficult to keep them straight. (Unless that’s just me…)

        And then, for your handle, TCFKAG, my eyes *always* see PEBKAC, and then I catch myself, and wonder what it stands for, and get lost in the mire right after This Computer F***ing…

        1. Seattleite I totally do the same thing with TCFKAG!

          On a tangential note, I lost all faith in my IT department at my new job when I made a joke about PEBKAC (because I had a PEBKAC with my email when I first started) and he had no idea what it meant. My thought was “hey, I’m not that much of a nerd, which means you can’t be a nerd at all!”

          1. I just had to look up PEBKAC and now it’s my new favorite term. I don’t know how I missed that one.

            When I was online dating, my mantra and promise was to be as WYSIWYG as possible at all times.

          2. Since I’m almost always the problem when it comes to electronics (see e.g. Thursday afternoon), I don’t think your interpretation is wrong.

            But for the record, it stands for the commenter formerly known as guest. :-)

          3. *Thank you* for clearing that up. I shall think of you henceforth as “Squiggle.”

  11. Any tips for succeeding in a writing assessment for a job application? No idea what to expect here, and it’s making me nervous!

    1. If it’s timed, I think the most important thing is to finish a draft of everything as quickly as possible and then go back and edit. It sounds obvious, but once you’re done with those first drafts you will feel such a sense of relief and you’ll be amazed how much better your writing flows without that panic going off in the back of your mind. If you have multiple assignments to complete in a set amount of time, switch back and forth between them whenever you find yourself getting stuck. Finally, just remind yourself that what they are looking for is solid product written within limited constraints, not something amazing or perfect or extremely creative. If you have already submitted a writing sample that is reasonably representative of your writing, then I’m sure you’ll be fine — they just want to make sure that’s really you.

      Good luck! It’s definitely a nervewracking experience, but don’t let it psyche you out too much. Have faith in yourself — if you’re a strong writer it will show through. :)

    2. Thanks, M. I’m trying not to get overly worried, but it’s tough because I haven’t had to write for a while– I’ve been unemployed. I haven’t sent in a writing sample other than my cover letter at this point.

      A big thing I need to remember is to not write more than is necessary to get my point across. My undergraduate school didn’t per se encourage this, but I took a lot of paper-based classes and it becomes a habit to rephrase, rework, etc. to hit page limits unfortunately. All my previous employers have encouraged me to cut things down to the least possible to say what I need to say.

      Any other tips are very much appreciated!

  12. Lovely shoes, shame they are slingbacks.

    Why oh why does everything always kick off on a Friday?! Nice quiet Friday morning organising personal finances, followed by lovely lunch with friend, winding down to a 5pm finish when BAM, cue 4.30 phone call from client resulting in still being in the office at 8.15. FML.

    1. I’m sitting here telling myself “you can’t wear slingbacks, remember, you can’t!”

        1. The straps always slip off my heel, then I end up walking on the straps or having to adjust them every 10 steps, and ultimately I really can’t wear them as a practical matter. So not a “problem” per se, just a “my foot is not the right shape.”

          1. Same here with slingbacks. Though, in my case, a mary jane type strap across the intep often helps. Have you tried this style?

          2. You know, I don’t think I have, but I’m not going to try for $117! It’s a good point though, having the extra strap should help, I would think. My SO already teases me about my shoe collection though, he clearly does NOT understand :-)

          3. This happens to me, too! It makes me so sad because I love the look of sling-backs. I would be interested to try a pair with an extra strap, but will also look for a lower priced pair to experiment with.

  13. Couch cleaning–how to do it and how much does it cost? I recently got a couch from a friend that was moving abroad (it’s microfiber. I think) that’s nice and super comfy, but it’s about 5 years old at this point and could use a good cleaning (it’s not super dirty, it’s just 5 years of use and I’m sure I’m the first person to vacuum it). How do I go about doing this? Do I attempt it myself, and if so, how, or do I just hire a professional or is that too expensive to be worth it? And if I hire someone, any recommendations for someone in NYC?

    1. I own a microfiber couch. I would definitely take this opportunity to get it professionally cleaned and get a stain-resistant treatment on it. If you do decide to clean on your own, don’t use water!!! We’ve actually used vinegar for some spills, which seems to do the job, but I was absolutely disgusted by how much gunk the professional cleaner got out.

      FWIW, I don’t like in NY, but we found our couch cleaner through a groupon, so it wasn’t too expensive.

      1. Do they come to your house, or do you have to go to them with the couch? Is it expensive?

        1. Whoops. I don’t *live* in NY. I like it just fine :)

          They came to our house. They run a big hose up from the truck, so we had to make sure there was a parking space for them in front of the house. I think with the groupon it only cost about $75, but the price depends on the type of fabric, the size of the furniture, and any additional services (such as adding the stain protector). I would just call around and get some quotes, ask about specials for new customer, etc.

        2. I’ve had mine cleaned; can’t remember how much. There was this guy who steam cleaned all sorts of things — I had him do my tile floors, fix some grout, and clean the couches all in one visit. He did carpets, etc., too. Back in the old days of phone books, I would have found him under carpet/upholstery cleaning.

        3. You can usually find companies that clean both upholstery and rugs (and sometimes draperies) under rug or carpet cleaners.

    2. I just saw on pinterest this week a whole bunch of stuff on how to clean microfibre couches. Apparently you can use alchol in a spray bottle (like rubbing alcohol) and then a dry scrubby sponge on the hard to clean places (arms, etc.) and just throw the cushions in the wash. Water stains microfibre, so the fact that the alcohol evaporates so quick keeps it from staining, apparently. But I have not tried this out, FYI. But I mean…pinterest said.

    4. We have Stanley Steamer clean our upholstery. They do a great job and are affordable (for us). They also do car interiors, wood floors and tile not just carpets. I’m out west though and have no clue if the company operates in the east.

  14. Darn you, Kat, for alerting me to the Nordstrom’s shoe sale. I have now ordered 3 potential pairs of flats. I justify this by the fact that I recently donated my dress black flats because they were trashed and thus obviously need a new pair. So 2 potential replacements + 1 cute red pair. Because red is fun.

  15. Long time reader. This site has been an excellent resource for me and I often tell my husband that I learned “so and so” on Corporette (or sometimes, I need this necklace from Corporette…”) so as I’m a bit of “eek, what do we do” moment, I thought I’d turn to you for advice.

    I’m a junior associate at a boutique law firm. My husband works in advertising. He has been itching to move to NYC (we live in his hometown – also an urban city). Yesterday, he received a good, solid offer to relocate (no relocation $$ as of yet though), which was much quicker than we anticipated. Now, rather than having weeks/months to game plan, we must make this big decision ASAP. I’m nervous about relocating with the legal community still impacted by the economy. Do I encourage him to take the job, and stay in his hometown, possibly with his parents (or his sister), until I find a job in NYC? Do I move with him and hope for contract work? I haven’t even emailed one resume to a NYC firm yet. I’m a bit nervous that NYC is going to eat me ALIVE while he’s jumping up and down. We’re both in such important stages of our career (and just celebrated our first year of marriage last month), it is hard to know what to prioritize.

    1. 1. Have you taken the NY bar?

      2. Start contacting NY headhunters asap. Like this afternoon. If you have solid credentials and experience you may be able to lateral somewhere fairly easily. At the very least you might get a sense pretty quickly of how easy / hard it will be for you to find a job.

    2. Oh man, there is so much to think about. I wouldn’t worry so much about finding a job in New York — the legal market there is alive and well and there’s plenty of opportunities to be had. What you should worry about is finding a reasonable legal job without insane (INSANE!) hours. When did you graduate from law school? If you have enough experience, you might want to look at opportunities like going in-house rather than doing Biglaw, if you can. Or try to find another boutique, but be careful of New York boutiques — it might mean “14 hour days with ten people.”

      And also, New York is expensive. It’s so expensive! Rent is expensive, groceries are expensive, taxes are expensive (just when you think you’re done, there’s a special New York City income tax that’ll hit you a little harder). So make sure that you consider his offer hard and make sure that it’s enough money to make up for the difference. I’d estimate that your cost of living will be 30% more than other high cost of living areas.

      All of that said, New York is really great. I lived there with my S.O. for two years and we had an absolute blast. It’s like no other city in the world, and there’s no better time to enjoy it than when you’re young, living on two salaries, and free of any serious obligations.

      1. Thanks for the response, ladies!

        I have passed the NY bar, so at least that stress is out of the way! I’m a second-year associate so still relatively a newbie. While I do have solid experience, at least according to a local recruiter who I spoke to recently, not sure if I’m ready to make the in-house move just yet.

        Hmm..we are just a hair below that 30% target…

        1. First, congratulations to you and your husband! I hope you two celebrate this weekend.

          Second, I wanted to share a piece of advice that I learned through personal experience. It is much easier to get a job in NYC if you are living here than if you are still practicing out-of-state. I clerked for 2 years in a different state before moving to NYC. I started my job search about 6 months before the end of my clerkship. Spoke to recruiters, networked, etc. I had a few leads, but nothing solid. Long story short, I had to move up there without a job. After two weeks in NYC, I was employed. If you are unsuccessful in searching from out-of-state, my suggestion would be to make the move (if your finances permit).

          Third, I’m not sure that I’d agree that NYC is flush w/ job opportunities. (Sorry, Debbie Downer moment). I know that I definitely did not get that sense when I was searching for a position. (Also, I still have friends who have been trying to move here since graduation — it has been 3 years). Maybe things have changed, though. Definitely reach out to recruiters, try to network, etc. as soon as possible. Take a look at the job postings on the NY bar website. Be aggressive! Best of luck!

          1. I wish I could say we are celebrating! I think we are both too much in panic mode to see the exciting part of the offer. You remind me to focus on the positive!

            Thanks for sharing your story – I think that’s a good point. It would be easier to go to networking events, meet for coffee when I’m in the neighborhood versus a a train or plane ride away. Especially with a boss now who isn’t exactly what I’d call flexible with time off.

      2. I just want to pipe up and say that while there are legal jobs to be had in NYC, I wouldn’t really say there are *plenty* of opportunities to be had and that it will be simple to get a job. I know many many 2010 and 2011 grads still doing temp, contract, doc review and part-time work in or just outside the city because they haven’t found full-time work in NYC yet.

        1. this. exactly. wish i’d seen this before i posted to avoid redundant commenting.

          sincerely,

          department of redundancy department

    3. The legal market is tough now and unfortunately, I think some discrimination against the unemployment has developed. I’d keep your job while aggressively applying for new ones b/c I think you’ll find a job much more easily than if you move w/o a job.

    4. I have a college friend that has been engaged for almost two years and her wedding is at the end of this summer. Her college best friend got engaged at the beginning of this year and just announced her wedding will be two months before first friend’s. First friend is pissed because they have a lot of mutual out of town friends and how many are going to travel for two showers, batchelorettes, weddings, etc. She would have even considered combining some events and losing some “thunder” if the second friend had asked nicely. She never even told first friend anything like “I have this issue and need to get married before you, I hope you are not mad.” Nope, not at all, just wham, I’m engaged now and my wedding will be first.

    5. I am currently in a dual city marriage (for approx 2 more years), so it can work. Couple questions – how far is your current urban city from NY? Is it drivable? Can you take the train or get there easily by plane? How flexible is your current workplace – i.e. can you work from home on occasion(so that you can leave to spouse the night before and still put in a full work day)? If you can manage the distance creatively, I’d say stay at your current job until you find something in NY. I agree with the other poster who indicated that there is a bias against the unemployed, and even when there weren’t so many, it has always been easier to find a job when you have job… Couple tips 1) understand this is for a period of time and not a way of life; 2) go with your spouse and help pick out the place, help decorate, and have your things there so that you feel at home in NY as well as in your current city; 3) learn your way around so you have things to do when you are there that don’t require your husband to entertain you – he will make new work friends and they may do things that you don’t want to, so you’ll want to have your own things. Find a nail shop – if that’s your thing, a hair shop etc… in NY. You are transitioning too, just at a slower pace.

    6. -Agree with the poster who said it’s easier to find a job while living in the City than outside of it. A lot of places won’t even call you in for an interview if they see a foreign address.
      -Agree that there *are* job opportunities, but you gotta dig for them. A lot firms want midlevels these days, or so it seems. And if you need a job asap, look into doc review (yeah yeah, I know I know . . .). There are a lot of projects and most of them pay $30+ an hour.
      -Agree that you need to experience NYC while you’re still young
      -Agree that NYC is expensive. So effing expensive. So expensive it’ll make your head spin. But if you’re willing to give up, say, 1000 square feet for 400-600, an elevator and doorman for a walk up, and taking the subway to work instead of driving (and garaging, eek) your car or taking a taxi, then City living is doable. Look at the outer boroughs – Brooklyn, Queens, Hoboken, and Jersey City are affordable (some parts more so than others) and you get more space.
      -Final thoughts: It’s New York. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. The opportunities are literally limitless. Embrace your fear!

  16. Online dating worked out well for me and I now have a boyfriend for the first time in many many years. He’s wonderful and I’m very happy! But now I need to step things up in the pajamas and lingerie department. Does anyone have any suggestions on where to buy cute things in size 16 or 18 with an F cup size? I haven’t owned cute pajamas or lingerie since the good old days of being a 4/6 when I could shop anywhere. I’m in NYC so either store or website recommendations would be great!

      1. Thanks! I was on OK Cupid for about 6 weeks. I took the approach some people here recommended and met pretty much anyone who seemed real and like someone I could talk to. He was the second person I met, but I met 4 people total (1 creepy, 1 who was likely an a*s but we had a a ton of physical chemistry, 1 who was nice but there wasn’t anything there, and the now-boyfriend). I pretty much threw myself into it and am really glad with how it’s worked out.

        1. Heyyyyyyyyyyy, I just joined okc like three days ago! Does this mean I’m going to have to give up my ratty t-shirts????????????

    2. Wardrobe Oxygen had a post on lingerie for larger ladies not too long ago. She’s not in NYC, but had some good online sources.

    3. I love Journelle (right by Union Square – maybe 17th St.?) – their website might also give you a sense of their inventory. journelle DOT com.

    4. I’m close to your size and I like Soma Intimates. They have a good website, as well as brick and mortar stores in selected areas. It’s not going to be like Frederick’s of Hollywood sl*tty stuff (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) but it’s pretty, comfortable and relatively high quality.

      Congratulations on the new beau! I met my husband of 12 years on match.com in the early days of online dating, and everyone thought I had lost my mind. I’m glad it’s so much more socially acceptable now.

      1. I met my hubbie online in 1995 when we were college kids on “gopher” sites. Loooong before match :-). It does work!

        New reader…loving this site!

    5. I was in Dallas last weekend and my friend and I went to a store called Intimacy. They had really pretty bras in larger cup sizes! I just checked and it looks like they have a store in NYC.

    6. I also have big “girls” but love fancy undies! My two favorite brands are fantasie and freya. You can get both at Nordstroms and other higher end retailers or a private store, which I would definitely reccomend doing if you dont already own things in the particular brands (you know how sizings tend be different! Ugh!). I buy a lot of stuff online now, from Nordstroms or barenecessities or the direct site, most styles run true to size once you are sized correctly. A bonus for freya is that they also make bathing suits! Ive had a difficult time finding bikini tops where I am not spilling out. Another good thing about fantasie is that they have a line of sheer or fancy mesh material with embelishments and NO padding! It sounded ridiculous to me and I didnt want to appear in public with the headlights turned on (if you know what I mean), but the saleslady told me the bra was specially cut and seamed so that no headlights show… And she was 100% accurate! Its a miracle I know, but I would definitely reccomend it to a friend!

    7. bare necessities dot com has a new online boutique for larger sizes. Can’t remember the name but if you go to their website, I’m sure it will forward it to the new one.

    8. Try hips and curves dot com. Some demure romantic stuff, some hot to trot stuff…

    9. I am a 12-14 and I love lingerie! Here are my favorites (some are expensive)
      *Natori – worth every penny. I have a leopard gown and matching robe and I love lounging around the house in them. Make me fee like Marilyn Monroe (in How to Marry a Millionaire). I also have silk chemise and topper. Get a gown and a robe! (They cut for a curvy women and run quite large – I am swimming in an L and I have a 32DDD chest (40″ bust, 30″ waist, 45″ hips)
      *Betsey Johnson Sleep: Comes in plus-sizes. Great rompers and robes.
      *Eberjay: Also comes in larger sizes. I have several rompers (I love sleeping in rompers because they have all the comfort of PJs but without the hassle of matching tops and bottoms which I always lose…)
      *Try Garnet Hill for comfy basics
      *Hanky Panky lingerie works quite well for, especially their teddies (for something lacy and sexy)

      Go to Nordstroms. All or most of these brands are available there- and you can try them on.

      Also, you might want to consider buying some items for lounge separate from sleep.

      Basically, I LOVE lingerie – it makes me feel sexy and womanly and great about my body! And my man doesn’t mind how much I spend on it! ;)

      1. Yes on Natori! Love that stuff. My favorite robe is the Shangri-la, expensive but totally worth it. I’ve purchased it twice.

      2. Apologies in advance if this is the most ignorant question ever, but …

        When you give your measurements (à la 36-24-36), the first number is taken from the fullest part of your chest? I always thought it was from underneath, i.e., the band size of your bra.

        Have I been doing this wrong for basically my whole life?

      3. I forgot to say that you can generally get Natori on sale at either Nordstroms or Zappos. You shouldn’t generally have to pay full price.

        Also, Thanks for the Freya tip – I’m off to buy something now! :( or :)

    10. I was wondering about you because haven’t seen you post in a while. is this the Celsius guy? of course I remember this detail because I had literally just been to Celsius when you asked about what to wear there.

      Congrats!!!

        1. Haha I’ve been completely crazy with work lately. Luckily the guy is extremely understanding about my schedule! This is the second guy I met, so not the original Celsius guy (he turned out to be the creepy guy), but I also went to Celsius on my first date with this guy. What can I say, it’s a great first date place! A, yup it’s the hot chocolate place.

    11. Thanks for the suggestions everyone! I wish Nordstroms existed here, but I think once I get a better idea of what size I am, I’ll have to order online. They have few shipping now, don’t they?

  17. Some friends and I are going pottery painting this weekend. The pottery itself is pre-made, so we’re just painting. I am hoping to end up with a decorative vase, platter, clock, etc. to either display in my office or use socially. I have no. clue. what to paint and don’t want it to look like a 5 year old made it. Anyone know where I could find some ideas? TIA!

    1. No ideas. My mug looks like a 5 year old made it. But it was made by a loving five year old.

      No matter what you do, if you decide to add a flower to it, don’t at the last minute decide it needs a “stem” and then not decide where it ends so it ends up long and awkward and weird and unstraight. That’ll just really reinforce the 5-year-oldness.

      Generally, unless you have some skills, I wouldn’t expect to get anything you can make professional use out of on your first go round.

    3. My mom, aunts, and SIL have gone to these places. I think the best bet is to stay simple. Solid colors with some sort of texture or effect. I think my SIL had a piece she did that had a finish that had little beads (or something) in the paint that created a cool effect when fired in the kiln.

      That’s what I’d be doing, as my artistic skills are not in the paint-on-pottery realm. So I try to trust my color-coordinating skills.

    4. I made a solid color jewelry box as I’m not creative, in the painting on pots respect. The place I went to had stencils and the like so if you want to be creative, you can. They had inspiration pieces as well (painted by their employees). I also suggest printing out pictures of items you like and taking them with you to try and replicate.

    5. Polka dots, a la Kate Spade, I think. Or maybe a Mondrian-type color blocking.

    6. I do a ton of this! It is my go to activity for friends that don’t do bars. For one I did a coffee mug w/ blue on top and bottom (like thick strips) and the thicker middle strip yellow, with blue paw prints in the yellow around the middle. I have a plate with just a big flower in the middle. I have another coffee mug with polka dots. I have thing that holds my paper clips that I painted a turquoise with purple and white speckled trim on top and bottom with the same color purple speckled zig zag around the middle. Lastly, I have a large bowl where I just drew large rectangles all over in different sizes and painted the rectangles alternate primary colors so it came out looking like a mosaic. Go with something easy but not boring and have fun!

      1. I really like the paper clip holder idea. I hadn’t even considered doing desk items like that, but a few of those would really spruce up my desk. Have you found them to be pretty durable? I’m pretty clumsy so I’m worried I would chip it.

        1. So far so good. All my stuff lives at my office. I have a built in bookshelf and the bowls and plates decorate it when I’m not eating off of it. The paper clip holder has held up fine so far.

    8. I have a bowl that we used sponges to create more texture on – texture might help (think wall faux finishes)

  18. Hi Nancy,

    Thanks for the response. I’m feeling so overwhelmed! Yes, I passed the NY bar thankfully. Once I knew it would be on our radar, I wanted to make sure to get that requirement out of the way. Do you have any recs on good recruiters?

    1. I avoid recruiters like the plague. But I’ve had a not horrible experience with David Carrie — they actually contacted me with positions I MIGHT like. There are tons of recruiters here, and there’s no reason not to contact several and have them start working for you. I think most people who lateral here work with several. Sometimes they all have identical listings, but some get some listings earlier than others.

      Good luck! I can tell you that if you’re in litigation, have good credentials, and are 2-4 years out, you shouldn’t have much of a problem.

      1. I will check out David Carrie. Thanks for the tip! I’ll start researching other recruiters this afternoon too. At least I’ve updated my resume recently.

        2 years out, in corporate but would be willing to consider litigation.

        1. The corporate market may also be good, but I’m a litigator so I just have no clue.

    2. If you’re looking to get a quick look at what’s on the table in NYC at the moment — try LateralLink. It’s a bit easier to get actual information on job listings (firm name, when the posting went up, actual requirements, etc.) than on most of the other recruiter websites.

      I’m also a big proponent of looking at law firms like yours (if you’re happyish with that type of firm) or law firms with practices you’d love to join and stalking their websites for current openings. These days, most firms don’t want to pay recruiter commissions if they don’t have to, so most have postings on their own sites as well.

      Good luck and an early welcome to NYC!

    3. Andrea Mercado, who posts here sometimes, is also very good.

      FWIW, I am one of those annoying “NEW YORK CITY IS THE BEST PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE!” people. But I would encourage you to think long and hard about giving up a sure thing to move there right now.

      1. I think that is what I am struggling with most – giving up a job when so many are looking right now. We left things last night as perhaps we’d live apart, I stay here and he goes to NYC. Does that sound crazy?

        1. I know a lot of married couples who are doing a long distance relationship for job-related reasons right now. I liked the approach my cousin took– she moved when she found a job, and he stayed in his current city and position and looked for a job in her new city. They put a time limit on it, though. Not sure exactly how long it was; I think 9 months. If he hadn’t found a job by then, he would move to new city anyway.

          1. Thanks, Ellie. It makes me feel like I’m not crazy! I like that approach – will bring it up with him tonight.

        2. Your situation, including living apart, is almost the exact same one my husband and I are in right now.

          We have been together 8 years, married for almost 2. None of that time has been physically spent together. I finished school and looked for employment in his city, but could only fnid work about 3 hours away- not close enough to live together. For awhile, I was going back to his place on the weekend, and sometimes he would come to mine. He’s in the military, so he deployed for about 7 months right after we were married as well. He’s done some other training and been away for another few months here and there, so I suppose in that sense, it wouldn’t have mattered had I found work in his city- I’d have been alone anyway.

          He recently came up for an assignment change, and we had to make the call whether to keep living apart or to move together. He was being transferred across the country, so we couldn’t even have a commuter marriage anymore. We considered staying apart for awhile so I could build up a little more time with my current company (I’m only about 1.5 years in), but it’s already been so hard to job hunt from 3000 miles away that we decided we needed to just take the plunge and move together because staying apart would get us nowhere. It will be the first time we have ever lived together in 8 years. We reasoned that the longer I stayed out here, the harder it would be to pick up and leave randomly, and ultimately the less time I’d have in a job in my new location. This way, we at least maximize the potential time I could have in a new job in the new location (where we’ll likely only be for about 3 years, so timing does matter for us).

          I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I am happy to finally be prioritizing my family and marriage. At some point, we would need to consolidate our lives, so I suppose now was as good a time as any. On the flip side, the economy is horrible. I have probably sent about 50-70 applications already and had only 2 interview chains result from that, 1 of which I was already rejected from. It is incredibly demoralizing and hopeless. We are cutting our income by half, and I have no idea how long it will take to get employment. I am unsure whether I should try to find a job in the broad field I work in (consulting) or spend a longer time trying to find a job in the specialized project area I work in (publishing/document management). It’s daunting. I don’t want to be miserable in my job or have terrible hours with a lot of travel (what is the point of moving with my husband if I still don’t ever see him), but I don’t want to sell myself short either and do something that won’t be challenging or offer long term career growth.

          I think if you are going to consider staying separate, especially in two further away places, you really need to set some goals and boundries. How long will you do it for? Will you have a drop dead point at which you must move? How often will you see each other? Are you okay with that timing? Do you have finances for all the plane tickets AND dual rents/utilities/groceries? How will you divide up managing finances? Will you have separate expenses and accounts living apart? What methodology and schedule will you use to keep in touch? If you both have long hours, will you be able to keep in touch enough? Are you confident enough in your relationship that it can weather a distance paradigm (I will tell you that after 8 years and a 100% distance paradigm it is still not easy)? There are a lot of issues to work through that should not be taken lightly.

          Ultimately it is a hard call, but I think the situation trends towards favoring your marriage. Jobs, generally, are temporary and non-permanent at some point… marriages are (theoretically) forever. A job/career may pay the bills and even offer you enjoyment for however many hours a day, but it won’t hold you when you’re sad, hug you when you’re cold, or kiss you when you’re lonely. Very rarely do you hear 90 year olds on their death bed lamenting that they’d wish they’d have worked more 14 hour days and spent less time with their family. It can be hard to keep in perspective, believe me I know, but on the days where I feel like I am ruining my life by upheaving myself so early on, I try to remind myself that I’d leave this job anyway for better things at some point in time, so… why not now? I’ll finally be with my husband and be on the way to a normal life where I don’t come home to an empty bed he doesn’t share, a different house, a different life, and a sad can of soup for dinner.

          1. The military sure knows how to make a mess of family life. Congrats on finally getting together, though, and good luck on the job hunt. My husband is in the reserves, which allows us to stay in one place. He travels for drills and mobilization, obviously, but this way I can pursue my career and we can raise a family in one place. He’s finally about to retire, though, which will be nice as the military takes away many of our weekends. In any event, I think you’ve made the right decision. Hopefully a job will come through soon.

          2. Wow, just wow. I am impressed, you two are really amazing. That is a long time to be so separated! I just recently moved about 1:30-2 hours from my SO and it sucks! We see each other every weekend (in an odd turn of events, he lives in my house while I live in his house) and once in a while during the week, but it still sucks! I can’t even imagine.

          3. Thanks guys. This is definitely a rough day for me, so I appreciate your comments. My last day at my job is actually Wednesday and I had to say bye to some co-workers today who won’t be around next week, so I was having a serious “what am I doing” freak out sesh earlier.

            SM, I hope maybe one day my husband might consider the reserves just so we can be stable. But he has only known the military his whole life (we actually met when he was a student at one of the academies because I thought I was going to attend as well), so I would hate to push for that myself. It’s all he has ever wanted to do. Who knows how things might change if and when we have kids or continue to deal with a horrid ops pace, but right now I want to try to be supportive and not demand change on his part.

            CA, thanks for the kind words. A lot of people are surprised we have done as such… but in a way, I think it is more tolerable to put up with because we have never been together so we truly don’t know 100% of what we are missing. It is so hard when you are together and then have to switch to being far, even if it’s only a couple of hours away. Anyway, I also think things have worked out because in 8 years of talking (what else can we do??), we have pretty much worked out all the issues I was mentioning to the OP, so we’ve found our routines and paradigms and are okay with dedicating a lot of our free time to always talking and making what time we can for each other. If we weren’t willing to basically work that into our lives/make our lives about finding ways to always talk and stay connected, I doubt we’d have lasted this long. Or, it could just be true love. I’m hoping for that one, especially on days like today when I feel overwhelmed. :-P

          4. We did the long distance marriage for 3 years. I finally compromised on location and we moved to where he found a good job. I wish I had not compromised. My big thing was getting into a stable situation and having a nice place for us to be together and build a life. Despite knowing how important my environment was to me (I pore over real estate listings, apartment therapy, and young house love), my husband decided that our first place to live together should be a crappy, crappy apartment in a bad side of town that costs more than any other apartment I have ever had. (And I have had nice apartments in the past.) He moved first, and my schedule was too busy to come and check out places in a tight market–I was limited to looking at photos online and trusting his judgment. (Will never make that mistake again–we are getting seriously ripped off.) We both have six figure incomes (mine just dipped a bit so I could move to his location, but is still good) so there is absolutely no excuse for him to have rented the place he did. We’re closing on a house soon, but frankly I am surprised our marriage has survived this year. Moral of the story, do no compromise to live in the same city as the husband unless you are absolutely certain that he understands why you are making the compromise and what you expect from it. I never would have guessed that my thrifty husband would have decided that he would rather save $500 bucks a month than have a happy wife. I’m pretty sure he would never make that trade-off again, though.

          5. I agree with much of what is in here. We too, have done the distance thing for more than a decade and we finally have a light at the end of the rainbow AND a plan. Kontractor raises some very good issues to discuss up front and figure out. In our house, I pay the bills, so I now pay for both locations (almost everything can be done on line, so it is very easy). I will say this – despite the distance, our marriage is so much stronger than many of our peers who live in the same house. I think it is because neither of us has ever asked the other to give up what was important to that person, and instead both were willing to make the necessary sacrifices. But now, we are both ready to be in the same place, so we have put in place a plan that will enable us to do that in a way that is comfortable for both of us. Just know that it is doable, a marriage can not only survive but thrive, and aslong as the distance is external to your marriage, you’ll be just fine.

          6. :( circa 2004 I applied to over 300 NYC lawyer jobs and was unemployed for 9+ months until getting an underpaid, mean boss crappy job. I did document review during some of that time, which I’ll look back on as some of the worst times ever. Demeaning. Depressing. People told me how hard NYC could be, but it was much harder than I thought it would be. What people are saying is true: it isn’t good to not have a job there. I quit mine because I was in an abusive situation and it was making me ill. Also my husband was unemployed a year before me for 8 months, right out of law school, and had to do some horrid legal jobs.
            If your experience is desirable to firms, your transition may be different. But just know it can be really tough.

          1. @ Long Distance Marriage- you posted about the crappy apartment here before right? I’m so glad you are nearly ready to move out!

          2. Yes! I’m very happy too. I probably sound more bitter in the post above then I actually am, but I am really glad this situation is almost over.

            And, my two cents are that someone, at some point, is going to have to compromise if the marriage is going to work. (In my situation, we have both taken various compromises.) It simply isn’t going to happen that both people will get their best career opportunities in the same city at the same time.

  19. Ladies, I am looking for a casual knit jersey dress for warmer weekends. The Target one featured this morning was close, but no cigar because I’d like something that is mostly cotton instead of mostly polyester. Prefer solid colors, but small patterns like polka dots okay.

    Can anyone recommend a knee-length, short or 3/4 sleeve, t-shirt type material dress in misses sizing? I am small of bust and waist but large of trunk (as in “junk in the…”), so empire waist styles work. Flared hems or A-line shape work. Crew, v, boat, or scoop necks all work. Wrap styles work. Minis do NOT work, nor do tighter hemlines. Sleeveless does not work since I don’t want to wear another layer to cover up my upper arms.

    I don’t feel like this should be so hard to find, but I’ve been looking for 3 years without success. I keep seeing cute Athleta dresses on other people, but when I see the fabric content I know they will just make me sweaty.

    Help me, Obi-wan Corporetti! You’re my only hope.

      3. Splendid….there is one out ther called the wrap dress, or like half wrap or something like that. But any summery dress from Splendid is a ood bet.

        1. Ha – there some really cute polo-shirt dresses, and sleeveless ones too. Lands’ End has some surprisingly cute stuff.

    3. Boden might very well have some dresses that fit your needs.

      I saw at least one natural fibre dress at LL Bean that sounds like it could be perfect as well.

    4. I love Max Studio knit dresses, even though they do not meet the “mostly cotton” requirement.
      Max Studio has a website, but can also be found at discount stores like Loehmanns.

      1. Boden is my current obsession. Now that it’s getting warm here, I have started to wear the lovely print jersey dresses I ordered from Boden. I just adore them and it takes great self restraint not to go wild and order gobs more. I also adore their cropped cashmere cardigan. I have it in a lovely orchid purple (cyclamen) and just ordered more in more neutral shades (storm, taupe melange). They have a promo now — buy 4 items and get the lowest price o e for a dollar.

      2. Late posting, I know, but a PSA: I got a Boden mini-catalog in my Sunday Times today, with an offer of 20% off and free shipping both ways. It says go to bodenusadotcomslashnytm. Their dresses mostly don’t work for me (I’ve got the F cup size 12-14 body already discussed, empire waists are bad) but there are some cute dresses at boden that would be perfect for the OP.

    6. So no one is going to give her props for the Star Wars joke? It make me laugh out loud!

      1. Similar body type here. I found my go-to casual jersey knit dress last summer on Garnet Hill’s website. It has short sleeves and a scoop neck and is an A-line straight from the chest down, if that makes sense. I love it so much I went back and bought the two other colors it came in. Garnet Hill doesn’t seem to have exactly the same one right now, but has several possibilities — maybe check out the Eileen Fisher Organic Cotton Ballet-Neck Dress, the Modern Knit Dress and the Banded-Detail Knit Dress.

  20. Yay, weekend! Also, I love the shoes.

    My opthalmologist suggested I try contact lenses because my eyes are bad, my glasses thick and it’s no fun (my prescription is almost -13 on both eyes). I had a bad experience with trying contact lenses once when I was very young (it hurt so much I started crying from what I remember), so does anyone have any tips or stories to share? Anything I could do to prepare? I’m really excited to go without my glasses but am scared it will hurt again. Thanks!
    (also, no, I don’t want to do laser eye surgery and besides, I think your eyes will have to have stabilized beforehand which mine … haven’t)

    1. You just have to want to do it. I have been wearing gas-permeable lenses for almost 30 years now, and I when I started, the lenses were pretty thick. But I was a vain 15-year-old and determined to wear contacts (plus glasses were pretty ugly back then). It did hurt at first, but the lenses (or my eyes) broke in fairly quickly. Now I don’t even notice them. One thing that did help was cleaning them at night, then letting them soak overnight and in the morning just adding a few drops of wetting solution and putting them in.

      I tried soft lenses but did not like them. I found them more difficult to handle and they made my eyes sting. I think they make different versions especially for people with dry eyes (which might have been my problem). My prescription is not as bad as yours (in the -4.5 range + astigmatism) and I was told I was at the boundary for off-the-shelf lenses and might have to special order them. It wasn’t worth it to me because I tolerate the gas permeables very well and they haven’t had any bad effects on my eyes.

      So, it probably will hurt at first but you can get used to it if you want. I love contacts because I do feel like I see better out of them.

      1. I have almost exactly the same story and definitely agree that my vision is better in contacts than in glasses. I am -11 in both eyes, and I think it’s likely your doc will put you in gas perms. You have to build up to it an hour at a time, and it does hurt, but after a while your eyes will not be so sensitive. Soon, you will be so used to the contacts that your doc will be lecturing you about wearing them too many hours!

    2. Contacts have improved a lot over the years. Ask lots of questions on how to clean them, how to insert them, how to make sure they aren’t inside out. Make sure you have clean hands and that your lens are rinsed properly before application. Inserting lens into tired eyes can hurt so you might want to wake up for a bit before putting them in. Also, ask your doc about what kind of re-wetting drops to use. You can always start with an hour or two of wear then build up to the full day. It may take a few brands to find what works on your eye so definitely start with a trial pair. After having worn glasses at high correction, you’ll love having peripheral vision.

      1. I recommend the disposables, I have dry eyes and use the ones that last two weeks. I don’t have to fuss with cleaning them or anything, just toss them twice a month. I do not sleep in them, but my SO does with no ill effects. I still wear my glasses occasionally, at least once a week, because I like to think my eyes need a break, but I really really try not to drive with glasses because as SAB said, I miss the peripheral vision the contacts afford. good luck!

      2. Heh. I thought I was the only one with the peripheral vision issue. I think I don’t know many people with vision as bad as mine. They don’t understand how annoying it can be to look to the side and not really be able to see because you aren’t actually looking through your glasses.

    3. How long ago did you try contacts? It definitely took some time to get used to inserting contacts but I’m tremendously glad I went up the learning curve. I don’t have to think about them all day, they don’t get dirty or scratched, and I have great peripheral vision. In the last few years, contacts have gotten a lot more permeable which makes them much more comfortable.

    4. For type of contact (hard, soft, etc.), that is definitely something to be decided with your doctor. If you wind up going with a soft lens, I love the Acuvue Oasis ones. They have a high water content (or something like that), so they’re gentler on my eyes (my eyes don’t get as dry).

      As for a tip to put them in, roll your eye up and put them in on the bottom of your eye (like, mostly the whites) and then blink to get it to center on your eyeball (I can’t do the whole finger-coming-at-my-eye thing).

    5. I also have major adjustment and had a disappointing first try with contacts when I was a young teen. I tried them again a few years later and was very happy. I’m sure it was one part maturity and one part product advancement. Since then, the products have continued to improve.

      I have been using Acuvue Oasys for a couple of years now, and they are a big step up from ordinary disposable lenses. They really do stay more moist and comfortable throughout the day. I honestly would have probably stopped using contacts regularly if I hadn’t been pointed to these. While my insurance will only pay for one per month, I pay out of pocket to change every two weeks, which also helps.

      Cleaners do matter, as does washing and replacing the case regularly. Follow your ophthalmologist’s recommendation, but I like Opti Free Replenish. I’ve found washing out the case (with mild soap, air dry) daily makes a huge difference to my comfort.

      As a side, do you pay for the ultra-thin lenses for your glasses? I’m blanking on what they are called, but they cost an arm and a leg but are completely worth it. They cut back on the size, but also somehow on the magnifying glass effect when people look at you.

      1. Yes to the ultra-thin lenses — I just got a new pair of glasses (I’m at least a -8) and I was SHOCKED at how thin they were. No one can tell how blind I am.

      2. -9.75 in one eye and -8.75 in the other in my glasses – the thin lenses are so so worth it.

      3. Yes, I have the thinnest lenses possible (and thankfully very good health insurance to help pay for them).
        Thanks to everyone for their responses so far!

    6. What kind did s/he suggest? Soft or gas-permeable?

      My DH’s opthamologist shoved contacts in his eyes a few years ago — he’d worn glasses for 30+ years — with the admonition that “these will feel like stones in your eyes for a month but you’ll get over it.” And that was true. He’s really glad he got through it though.

      Also your emotional experience with contacts when you’re young and when you’re an adult is much different. Taking my contacts out when I was 10 was traumatic (I used a PLUNGER because I couldn’t get the other methods to work). Now it’s no big deal.

    7. Make sure you get someone in the ophthalmologist’s office to show you how to put them on. My roommate went to a not-so-great chain eye place, and they never even showed her how to tell if the contacts are inside out or not! (For reference: if you have it on your finger and the edges look like a plate, it’s inside out; if it looks more like a bowl, it’s the right way) My fiancé just started wearing them, so here are some other tips for when you’re home:
      1. Don’t be scared to do it. If you’re scared, you’ll start blinking and you’ll never get them in.
      2. Make sure you grab your eyelid and pull it all the way up. I use my middle finger of my left hand, wrap it around my head, and grab the whole top lid. With the middle finger of my right hand, pull down my bottom lid. You want your eyes as open as possible.
      3. If you can’t get it, rinse off the lens and try again when your eyes aren’t too watery– too much moisture and it’ll float out. If the contact is really dry, though, it’ll burn like woah, so make sure if you’re fussing with it for a while that it’s not too dried out (put in a drop of solution if that’s the case).
      4. Make sure not to touch anything that’ll stick to your hands even if you wash them. The one time I chopped jalapeños for dinner and then tried to take out contacts has etched this one pretty solidly in my mind :)
      5. Don’t give up! Contacts are great! You can see the world in such a different way than with glasses, and it’s really neat if you’ve been staring out of frames for years.

      1. Also a benefit of contacts is that I can chop onions and not cry! I think the contacts protect my eyes from the onion vapors.

        1. I definitely still cry, unfortunately!

          Also for the OP– I wear daily disposables, which I LOVE. They’re slightly more expensive than two-week disposables, but the convenience factor alone for me makes it worth it.

    8. I tried contacts in middle school and had a similar experience. I remember it being really uncomfortable/painful and I didn’t end up leaving the dr’s office with them. Then, in high school, I decided to try one more time because I was playing field hockey and didn’t want to wear sports goggles. The technology had improved so much (and this was almost 15 years ago at this point!) There was a woman in my dr’s office whose sole job was fitting people with contact lenses and she was WONDERFUL. Really took the time when my contacts came in showing me how to put them in and take them out. In fact, I couldn’t leave the office until I successfully taken them out on my own. I recommend finding someone like that with a lot of patience. But, really, the technology has improved and I doubt you’ll even notice they’re there after a few days!

    9. Contacts have changed a TON recently. Your previous experience is not applicable now. Give it a fresh go and see how it works for you. I told my Dr I wore contacts about 15 years ago, and he said “ah, the dinosaur era of contacts. It’s not the same game now.”

    10. My prescription is also between -12 and -13 and I love my glasses (ultra thin lenses – ungodly expensive), although I’m having problems with progressives at middle vision so I bought an inexpensive pair for that. Honestly, I tried contacts for my wedding (16 years ago) and hated them. Never wore them after my wedding day. Couldn’t stand to put my fingers in my eyes. Couldn’t see right and was always afraid that I had mixed them up. But I know I’m in the minority.

      I’ve also heard that surgery is only for those whose eyes have stabilized, but I think that’s for those who really want to never have to wear glasses. I’d do it just to be able to wear normal people glasses. I’m going to explore it within the next couple of years.

    11. I had a very hard time with contacts when I was young (I think it took 4 or 5 visits before the eye doctor believed I could safely insert and remove them), but finally started wearing them full time I think senior year of high school and have hated glasses ever since. For me, I have found that the Acuvue Oasys are the most comfortable. The past couple of years my eyes had started getting rather red and irritated, and someone on here mentioned Clear Care solution, which turned out to be a wonderful, wonderful thing–no more red eyes! (thanks, whoever mentioned it)–the contacts have to soak for at least 6 hours because it’s basically hydrogen peroxide that’s neutralized by a little disc of something in the case, but it’s made such a difference. I still keep saline solution around in case I need a quick clean, but ClearCare is my go-to overnight solution now.

    12. Everyone’s given great advice already. I say go for it. I wore gas permeable when I was younger (elementary/middle/high school) and then switched to soft lenses in college after one too many breakages. But for your eyes, I think you will be in gas permeables. Take time to get used to them. Go one hour, take them out. Go two hours, take them out. Carry around a box of kleenex, eye drops, and a trash bag – it looks funny but you’ll have what you need right with you. Pretty soon you won’t notice them at all and will love them. My 10 year old self didn’t like them and I quit wearing them for a year or so and then went back to contacts and loved them. Good luck!

    14. I was put in old fashioned hard lens in the third grade, later went to gas perm, and have been wearing contacts for nearly 40 years now. Glasses and soft lens don’t correct me but to about 2/200. Though I went into contacts so very long ago, I remember vividly the pain at first. It feels just like sticking hard objects into your eyes, because, well, that’s exactly what you’re doing. The insides of your eye lids will have to callous slightly before they become comfortable, which is one reason that if you are going to wear them, you just have to stick to it. If soft lens will correct you, you are fortunate.

      1. I recommend asking about extended wear. I never wear my contacts overnight, but they are just more comfortable.

        1. I love extended wear for normal wear. I sometimes even forget I have my contacts on. There’s no way I’m going back to glasses!
          Menicon contact lenses are some of the best!

    15. spent 7 yrs in thick glasses, then 12 in contacts before getting lasEk (not a typo, it’s different from lasIk and way better, gave me 20/20 vision with no side effects)…

      my advice? start slowly… get used to putting them in and taking them out, then let it be for several hours. do this for a couple or few days, when you’re no longer stressing about that, leave them in for 3 hrs, another day 5, another day 7, then 8-9, repeating the number of days at that mark until your eyes don’t hurt when you get to the hour # anymore… you want to avoid leaving them in for longer whenever possible.

      hope this helps!

      1. Heh, I sympathize with you. I’ve been wearing glasses forever, but recently tried contacts. They have changed a lot. I would definitely give it a shot, and your optomestrist/ophthalmologist can often give you samples to try out and see if they are right for you.

        Every time I try contacts I look at myself in the mirror and think, “Ugh, is that really how I look?” I have been wearing glasses since first grade and seeing my “real” face without glasses on is very jarring for me. I don’t know if you’ll have to same issue, but it’s something that really affects whether I can or will wear contacts.

    16. I have eyes even worse than yours–about -13.5 plus an astigmatism!! I tried gas-perm lenses when I was maybe 13 or 14 (and my eyes were a bit better then), and they were awful for me. But my sister still wears them (guess they’re better for your eyes?) I went to soft contacts in college, and they’re great. More expensive than off-the-shelf contacts, and only recently was I able to get them monthly disposables, but they’re great!

  21. Corporettes, can you help me out? I’m in NYC for a conference in Midtown, staying on the upper west side. I planned my packing list a long time ago but found out last night that my basic black dress doesn’t fit, and the “backup” black pants don’t either. I brought the jacket and a top, but need to pick up pants or a skirt quickly and inexpensively. What’s my best bet?
    Thanks!!

    1. I think Macys in Herald Square might be a good bet–they always seem to have some sort of sale, the dress department is enormous and the INC line should have some sort of basic bottoms at a decent price. There’s pretty much every mall chain in most neighborhoods as well, so a store finder on Ann Taylor or Banana Republic should be able to hook you up.

    3. Century 21 is on the upper west side (at broadway and 66th). There’s also a Loehmann’s around 71st. Both of those would be good bets. If you walk along broadway on the UWS, you’ll find a TON of places (Zara, BCBG, Banana, Gap, etc.) Additionally, on your way to midtown, you can hit up the Time Warner Center – they have a J Crew and a few other stores. Good luck!

      1. Haha, this is basically where I live. There’s a TJMaxx in Columbus Circle too–57th and 8th, I think. But I would honestly go someplace where I know they’ll have the basics–Macy’s in NYC is one of my favorites–they are extremely helpful.

    4. I personally find Macys to be a sh**show and can’t deal with it. Try Ann Taylor Loft.

    5. there’s a TJ Maxx at Columbus and 100 – you could pick up something inexpensive there

    6. Wow–thank you for all the suggestions. Looks like I can jus walk to or from the conference and pick up what I need on the way. I will do that tomorrow. You guys are great!

  22. I got engaged last April. We planned our wedding for this June, carefully planning it around FBIL’s seminary graduation. About a month ago, we booked our honeymoon to Alaska.

    FBIL called us last week to tell us he was engaged. We congratulated him and his fiance and told them we were happy for them. They said they were planning a quick wedding, so I emailed his fiance to let her know that we were superexcited for them, and just as a heads up, our honeymoon was booked for 10 days in June/July so we would’t be able to make a wedding then.

    FBIL called last night and asked if we could cancel our honeymoon because they’d like to get married on a day when we’re gone. Is this insane?

    1. Yes, it’s insane and no, you should not cancel your honeymoon.

      Especially if they haven’t yet picked a date or booked anything themselves. Sheesh. And despite your being that careful. Seriously, if people aren’t thoughtful and considerate of you, even though you’ve laid it out so easily for them to be, then don’t bend over backwards for them.

      1. Ditto, ditto, ditto. He is insane and don’t even consider canceling your honeymoon. (And congrats, btw!) :)

    2. Yes – this is insane, especially as you set your dates around his graduation.
      So, just curious, what did you/fiance tell the FBIL on the phone?

      1. I told them we could check and see if it was refundable but there were not any other weeks this vacation would work for us so we would have to completely change our plans, and also I didn’t believe it was refundable, meaning we’d be out over $5000.

        Fiance told him he was being a bit unfair and that he wants to be at their wedding but if we can’t change our plans, then we can’t make it that day.

        I looked today and we’d lose the full cruise fare, plus the 50,000 frequent flier miles we used for our flights. The cruise must go on!

        1. Your fiance is being a bit unfair? FBIL is being unfair! What a crazy guilt trip.

        2. Good for you for keeping cool and not caving. I would have been incoherent from astonishment.

          1. After telling him that I went into our guest bedroom, slammed the door, and called my mom – so the incoherent came later. :)

    3. Yes — I find it hard to believe they can’t find a date outside the 10 days you’ll be on your honeymoon. And if they genuinely can’t, then they shouldn’t expect you to attend.

      1. I think they *could* but they want to get married on a Friday to make it more convenient for his pastor friends and apparently this is the only Friday the bride can get her most favorite hall. The date they picked also means that the groom’s BIL can’t come because he can’t take off work the week of July 4th due to seniority…so they’ll be missing one sibling and two in-laws from the groom’s side.

        1. At this point, the B&G are choosing ‘friends’ and ‘location’ over ‘sibs and in-laws.’ I say that not to get your dander up, but to demonstrate that the bride and groom are making a choice. It’s not your job to scramble so that their choice has no consequences.

    4. Yes.

      I would tell him/them that your plans won’t change, regardless of what they do. You’d obviously like to be a part of their ceremony, but if you can’t, you’ll take them to dinner when you get back.

      ACK! What is _wrong_ with people?!

      1. Thanks! I don’t suppose the lovely gift could be a regift from ours, huh? ;)

    6. Is she preggers and they want to get married before she’s really showing?

      But seriously folks, they’re being insane. You get to tell them no. And they get to decide whether this random date is somehow crucial I guess. But a 10 day honeymoon really isn’t reschedulable, especially once time has been taken off work and reservations have been made.

      Geesh.

      1. Also…all of your husband and FBIL’s relatives are going to be annoyed to have two weddings back to back like that. Not that that is your problem, but I’m kind of giggling thinking about it.

        You’ve got dibs. :-P

        1. I highly doubt she is preggers, I don’t think they would engage in such lustful fornication prior to marriage.

          And yes, they are totally going to be annoyed and we sent out save the dates last summer so we definitely have dibs. :)

          3. While lustful fornication is pretty awful, don’t forget about all of those Satanic women using contraception and working outside the home!

      2. If she is pregnant now, in February, she WILL show in late June. They probably want to get married before the baby is born.
        Most likely though, FBIL needs to be married in order to get a job, since he is/will be clergy.

        1. She’d still be able to hide it if she wore a loose enough dress. I can’t really understand any other drive to get married AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, but not before OP.

          1. It sounds like they’re quite religious. Maybe they want to get married so they can have s**. Not trying to be crude here, but if you’re holding off until it’s official, I can understand the sense of urgency.

          2. Although I agree that they can’t reasonably expect that the OP’s honeymoon be canceled.

          3. They claim there isn’t time to plan it before our wedding…but somehow an extra month will magically give them all the difference.

            atomic, I think that is part of the since of urgency for sure.

        2. He wants her to come with him as soon as he gets his call. They were going to get married in September but decided they couldn’t bear to be apart for two months. Not a lot of sympathy from me since we were long distance for three years.

          1. YOU should get married on the SAME DAY. That would be SO MUCH FUN. ;-)

            (JUST kidding if the ELLENISH emphasis did not make clear.)

          2. Normally I would support your idea but we are getting married in two different religions (I’m Catholic, they are all a conservative flavor of Lutheran) and I fear that ours would be boycotted.

            FOOEY on them.

          3. Oh cry me a river, 2 months of separation. Again, sounds immature. Read below post on married people who live apart for YEARS because of work.

          4. They could always have a chapel wedding around the time of the graduation and then have a big formal wedding/party at her “favorite” location later at a time that doesn’t conflict with lucy stone’s date. Then they could be “together” for all those extra weeks without violating whatever premarital s*x rules/regulations apply.

            Lucy, hold strong but I would be prepared for in-law arm-twisting now as your fiance’s parents aren’t going to be happy.

    7. Yes, it’s insane. Do not cancel your honeymoon! If they move forward with the date, just say that you are very excited for them, and that you’ll take them out to dinner to celebrate once you’re back from your honeymoon.

      If they insist on that date, be prepared for tears and guilt trips, and potentially hurt feelings.

      1. Thanks! I am prepared for all sorts of drama, but the fact of the matter is we booked our honeymoon before they got engaged. She keeps saying she’s patiently waited and hoped for this day. They’ve been together less than three years. We started dating during the Bush/Kerry election, I think I know more about being patient.

          1. Heh. My sister-in-law has this kind of problem with her stepsister. Stepsister got married 6 months after her at the very same location with same menu, etc. My nephew was born in October of this past year. Stepsister’s baby is due this month. She just signed on with the same pediatrician. Pediatrician is in the same town as my sis-in-law. Stepsister lives an HOUR away. Weird copycat thing has occurred since they were teenagers. They even have the same first name and same first letter in their maiden names.

    8. Good luck planning years of family get togethers and holidays with these people. You have a clear heads-up as to how they’re going to behave.

      1. Indeed. They are only going to get more complicated with two ministers in the family instead of one. My parents are moving to Florida next year and I plan on spending most holidays with them.

    9. And may the Corporette official record reflect that added to the TCFKAG’s rules for brides (and grooms) — you can’t ask anyone to change their long scheduled honeymoon so you can have a quickie wedding. In fact, if you’re having a quickie wedding, you get the guests you get and you bless your lucky stars.

      That is all.

        1. I am so going to add “and flounces” to all of my actions going forward. Can’t believe I lived this long without it.

      2. I like that you combined count your blessings and count your lucky stars into bless your lucky stars :)

          1. Any day I get lustful fornication and then flounce is a day I bless my lucky stars.

    10. Yes it is insane and no, do not cancel your honeymoon. Johnny come latelies don’t get to be rude and inconsiderate.

    11. Is it just me, or does it seem kind of immature to insist on such a bad date because the bride wants her most favorite hall? When you get married on a short timeline you have to make compromises.

      1. It also doesn’t sound like particularly Christlike behavior, coming from a minister. Something which, were I in the OP’s position, I’d probably be tempted to point out about now. I’m super popular with my Christian relatives.

        1. Honestly, wouldn’t JC say that the religious act of getting married and being with your family is more important than your most favorite hall?

    12. This website is being so strange right now. I posted a comment, that is in moderation, and stuck on a totally different thread. Here is what I said:

      I have a college friend that has been engaged for almost two years and her wedding is at the end of this summer. Her college best friend got engaged at the beginning of this year and just announced her wedding will be two months before first friend’s. First friend is mad because they have a lot of mutual out of town friends and how many are going to travel for two showers, batchelorettes, weddings, etc. She would have even considered combining some events and losing some “thunder” if the second friend had asked nicely. She never even told first friend anything like “I have this issue and need to get married before you, I hope you are not mad.” Nope, not at all, just wham, I’m engaged now and my wedding will be first.

      1. Hmm in this situation (i.e. friend, not family), I don’t think first friend get to be legitimately upset. You don’t block out all the time from your engagement to your wedding so that no other friends can get married, especially when you have a two year engagement (longer than average).

        On the bright side, first friend will have completely gotten over this by the time she leaves for her honeymoon. I promise. I say this as someone whose wedding was scooped by one of my husband’s first cousins, who got engaged around the same time and announced, months after our save the dates went out, that their wedding (in a different state) would be the weekend before ours. Tons of overlap in the guest lists, so lots of our guests had already traveled for an out of state wedding by the time they got to ours and were sick of weddings. They totally stole our thunder. But by the day of the wedding, I couldn’t have cared less and I still don’t. When I first found out, though, I was irritated. It won’t matter in the long run.

    13. Yes, that’s insane. Go on your honeymoon and enjoy it, and don’t feel guilty — it’s not your fault that you TOLD them when you were unavailable! Some people just can’t remember that the world doesn’t revolve around them :)

      1. Thanks! I used to post using my initials but decided I wanted something catchier and Lucy Stone was probably a lustful fornicator like me.

    16. No way should you cancel the honeymoon. We had a quickie wedding and were super grateful to everyone who managed to come and completely understanding of those who couldn’t – last minute adds expense and inconvenience. Suggesting someone else cancel their long established plans in order to attend our quickie wedding would not have occurred to me. Just say “Sorry, that date is not possible for us,” and send a gift.

    17. First off congratulations. I agree with every one else that you should not even consider cancelling your honeymoon to accommodate them.

      Secondly, I am from Alaska and love your choice of honeymoon. If you need any information let me know and I will do what I can.

      1. Thanks, I would love that! We are doing a cruise because I thought it was the easiest way to see most of the cities we want to see – we’re going to Ketchikan, Skagway, Juneau, and Anchorage. Is there anything you definitely recommend seeing or skipping?

        1. That is definitely the way to see most of the cities, and after living here for 28 years (with some time spent in the states for school) I still haven’t seen all of the places you are going. The one major piece of advise that I would give you is to bring a rain coat. The majority of that area is a rainforest, and it lives up to its name.

          As for the places that you are going, Skagway is an old gold mining town and has tried to keep that atmosphere. My suggestion is to do a self walking tour and try and catch a show at one of the saloons.

          Juneau is the capital and I hear has an amazing Alaskan Native museum. It is also the home of Mendenhall Glacier, which is a must see.

          I don’t know how much time you have in Anchorage, but if possible, take a day trip to Seward on the Alaska Railroad. The railroad goes other places, but I think you get the most bang for your buck by going to Seward. The railroad is suited to tourists and stops periodically for people to take pictures along the way. In Seward there is the sealife center. Depending on what has happened over the summer they have a number of different animals. The ones that are being rehabilitated to go back into the wild don’t get human interaction, but the ones that can’t go back into the wild are often brought out to the public for education. In Anchorage I suggest going to either Moose’s Tooth or Bears Tooth for food. They are sister restaurants, and both delicious in their own ways. Moose’s Tooth is known for its gourmet pizzas and micro-brewed beer. Bears Tooth uses as much local product as possible and serve the same micro-brewed beer as Moose’s Tooth.

          I hope this helps you some. If you have anymore questions I can set up an anonymous e-mail.

          1. Thanks so much! We are from Wisconsin so we’re no strangers to weird weather and rain. Our ship actually docks in Seward and I was debating doing the railroad to Anchorage, so I’m glad you think it’s worth it! We also love beer so I appreciate the beer recommendation.

        2. I lived in SE Alaska for a bit. It is incredibly beautiful.

          Ketchikan is rather bleak (think depressed forestry town with clear cutting right into town. Its so damaging that the strait actually turned anaerobic in the summer. think cleveland of alaska) I would ignore the town itself which really is not that cute and head out on an awesome hike. There are some great shorter trails that you can take a (totally overpriced but worth it) taxi out to see. Also, they tell the tours that come off the cruise ships that the local stores are dangerous, will gouge you, etc. Please ignore this. The cruise companies try to steer you to the cruise company-owned stores to make more money. It really hurts local businesses. In Ketchikan, I would buy some raven’s brew coffee which is founded in Ketchikan and check out the store of artist ray troll who is based in ketchikan and creates their designs.

          Sitka is the prettiest town in the SE, IMO. No idea how flexible your cruise is but I would try to swing by there if you can change your tour stops.

          Skagway is prettier. I would check out to see if there is anything happening in the native community up there when you are around. I went to a totem pole ceremony up there which was awesome.

          Juneau is beautiful. You should definitely see Mendenhall Glacier. I would also check out the capital if its in session and take the gondola up to the top of the mountain whose name I am blanking on right now. I wouldn’t both eating at the fancy restaurant up there though, its way over priced (even by alaskan standards) and not all that tasty. I would also do a brewery tour of Alaskan Brewing company.

          In Anchorage I would definitely rent a car if you are spending any real sort of time there. Its not a town that can be navigated by public transit or cab. I would spend a day taking a drive down to seward (there are some nature parks there too where you can see awesome wildlife if you haven’t seen bears, etc. yet) If you have more time, I would actually spend a night or two driving the loop around the Kenai peninsula. Homer is an awesome town if you can spare the time to get down there. Finally, it sounds like you are political given you pegged the start of your relationship to a campaign cycle, so I would suggest driving out to Wasilla and see the town that gave us the Palins. You can even drive by her house. Its just about 45 minutes north of the city in the Mat-Su valley.

          Have a great time!

          1. You are correct Sitka is the prettiest of all of the cities in that area. I love all the history, from Russian to Tlinget, they have everything.

          2. Thanks! We really wanted to go to Sitka but couldn’t find a ship that went there during the timeline that worked for us – our goal is to go back to Alaska again to see it later. I really appreciate the tips!

    18. Really? Unbelievably rude. I would not cancel the honeymoon you already have planned. That’s crazypants. Oh, and congratulations.

  23. Stuck in moderation, so trying again:

    I’m thinking about running my 2nd half marathon in mid-April. I ran my first one in November and enjoyed it a lot. For my first half, I did a 12-week training program that gradually built up the miles on the longer-runs. I was wondering if anyone has any thoughts on how much training I need to do for the second half in April. Right now I’m running about 25 miles a week–about 5 miles at a time on the treadmill 5 day, but as the weather gets nicer I’ll start doing longer runs on the weekend. I did a 10-mile fun run on Christmas Eve Day without any prep beyond my weekly routine and I was fine. I was thinking I was just going to do some 8-12 miles runs the few weekends before the race day, but I wondered if anyone had any other thoughts.

    1. I did something similar to your planned regime for my first half marathon and I was fine. I think once you have a base it’s not that hard to build mileage quickly. The only hard part for me was pacing myself; my inclination was always to go out at my 5 mile pace, and I’d hit a massive wall around miles 9-10. Just time yourself and aim to go at least 15 seconds slower than your 5 mile pace during your long runs.

  24. Runners out there: I have always been told that some people think it’s bad luck to wear the race shirt to the race, and I’ve always avoided it because I’m used to running in my stuff, but… I’m noting that more and more people are wearing the race shirt to the race. Is this something that has changed, or what? I guess I’m curious…

    Thanks!

    1. I hadn’t heard that was bad luck, so take this comment FWIW, but I always assumed those were the people who forgot to pack a tech shirt and needed something to run in! Plus, races are a great time to wear shirts from other events you’ve done. I love the camaraderie when people have done the same race and notice each other’s shirts. Especially fun for me is wearing swim race or triathlon shirts to a run race. Fun way to connect!

    2. My first thought when I see that is that they are not serious runners. I can’t imagine running in a t-shirt prior to washing it first. It makes me itch just thinking about it…

      1. argreed. And to me, it’s more of a “pride” thing …like you have to earn the shirt. you can’t wear it before you’ve done the race, because you can’t say “oh i’ve done x race”…no, not yet. To me, it’s like wearing the shirt of the band whose concert you’re at…it’s like saying i’ve never done this before. But it’s a terrible idea from the practical pov too – even if it is a tech tee, who knows, it could have a weird seam or something. as a runner, everything about this trend bothers me.

    3. Granted, I don’t do a ton of races (because I’m cheap and don’t like to wake up before 8 on Saturdays), but when I do run in races, I don’t race in the race shirt either. Personally, I think it’s kind toolish. And, I like running in my stuff, that I know will feel comfy.

      I don’t think I’ve seen a big increase in the number of people who do this – they’ve always been out there in the races I’ve done. If more people do it these days, I would guess maybe it’s because more race shirts are technical rather than plain cotton?

      1. I don’t run in the race shirt, but it doesn’t bother me when people do it. I certainly don’t think its going to change the outcome of the race (bad luck vs. good luck).

        As an aside, I really like that more and more races are offering a reduced price if you don’t get a shirt. I have no space and a ton of workout clothes and I’d much prefer to pay less for an entry fee and not have a shirt.

        1. Funny. I totally don’t need another t-shirt, but I don’t think I’d ever take the “no t-shirt” price. I’m collecting :)

          (I may be a race t-shirt hoarder. I keep telling myself that I’m going to make one of those quilts out of them eventually…)

          As to the question: I see a lot of people wear the race t-shirt at 5ks and 10ks…. but this happens way less at longer races in my experience. I think maybe because the stakes are higher at the long races. Like, what if a weird seam is chaffing me for 13 miles? And also possibly because more “serious” runners still view this as a bit of a faux pas. I wouldn’t wear the race t-shirt to the race, personally. Not out of superstition, but I guess because I want to “earn” it.

          I do love to see people wearing other race shirts that I’ve done, though. Especially if you’re traveling for a race — wearing a race shirt from one of your local races makes you easy to identify to others from your city!

          1. I like getting the race shirts too. I told myself the same thing about all the tennis tournaments I did as a kid (the making the quilt thing) and it never happened, which is a bit sad.

            I agree with not wearing the race shirt at the race, but for the practical reasons here. Might chafe, would likely itch, etc… I do see a lot of people doing it though, but I don’t know that there are more than ever.

            Honestly, my biggest gripe about it is I wish they would give it to us at the end! I mean really, what are we supposed to do with it while we run? I walked to a race in my hometown once and had nowhere to put it. It was just a 5k (my first! so long ago!) so I just carried it and used it as a sweat towel, but it was awkward. I’ve done others where you have to park so far away you don’t want to walk all the way back and then all the way back, but I’ve always managed to work it out since then. It’s just annoying though.

    4. I never wear the race shirt in the actual race, because I wouldn’t want to find out during a race that there was a tag in the shirt that caused chafing, or something like that. I’ve always heard that you shouldn’t wear ANYTHING new (or try anything new for that matter) during a race.

      1. Agree with this. My friends and I wear shirts other than the shirts from that race because it is also easier to spot one another in the hordes wearing the race shirt!

    5. It is my personal belief that race t-shirts are for finishers. If you haven’t finished the race, you do not get to wear the shirt. And I think only n00bs/back-of-the-packers wear the shirts day-of, but that might be my Running Snobbery showing so take with a grain of salt.

    6. I’ve heard this, and admit that I don’t even try on the race shirt before a race because I think it’s bad luck!

    7. I don’t run in the race shirts b/c I have never run in them before. Meaning, I don’t want to find out 3 miles in that the thing chafes or itches, etc. I make it a point to never wear anything the first time out on a race-even though I don’t race, I just finish. I’ve seen people wearing them the day of lately.

    8. I wouldn’t do it, because I’d be worried about chafing, but I don’t care if others do. I don’t think people have to “earn” it before they can wear it; I don’t assume they’re newbies, I just…don’t typically notice and don’t care if I do.

      And FWIW, I’m a five-time marathoner who’s been running for 22 years.

  25. Just posted this in the Friday thread, but it occurred to me everyone is probably past that . . . .

    Does anyone know of any good thrift store-type places in NJ for used furniture? I’m not looking for expensive antiques so much as lucky finds that I could refinish / reupholster. I am in central NJ but would be open to anything in the state.

    1. I don’t know anything about NJ but I was right there with you on the Friday thread. Didn’t even notice this one had opened up until it had over 150 comments!

    2. Hackettstown Trading Post in Hackettstown, NJ, has a consignment division in addition to selling new pieces. Haven’t tried it myself but thought I would throw it out there. They have a website, so you could do a little investigating and see if it’s up your alley before you make the trip. Good luck!

    3. Not sure if you’ll see this, but check the Habitat for Humanity “ReStores” – there are a bunch throughout NJ. Its hit or miss, but everything rotates in and out pretty quickly. And hey, it goes towards a good cause.

    4. Many offices have a policy that would prevent an interviewer from saying anything to you about their thoughts regarding the interview. If they don’t, they should. Even if there is no such policy, it’s just unwise for an interviewer to talk about why they didn’t choose you. You probably are more likely to get honest feedback if you do not make your request in writing.

  26. Is it appropriate to ask for interview feedback? I recently had an interview that I thought went really, really well, for a position I was well qualified for. I recently discovered that I didn’t get the position, and didn’t even get a callback (they interviewed 11 people and were planning to call back 4 or 5).

    I haven’t gotten an interview callback in 2 years and 25 or so interviews. I know I’m not the world’s best interviewee, but I’ve done everything I can think of to improve, and obviously nothing is helping. Do you think it’s appropriate to email my interviewers and ask for feedback in a neutral, not self-pitying way?

    1. It can’t hurt to ask, but don’t expect much, “we don’t share hiring decisions outside the company” is what you’re likely to get. If there was an interviewer you clicked with you could try approaching them with the language suggested by momentofabsurditybelow (very good btw).

      Honestly though, you’ll probably get further if there is someone you know and trust in your industry who you can talk about your interview struggles with and try to get feedback from them.

    2. I think a better idea would be to set up a mock interview with an alum from your school or grad school. My grad school does this and its very helpful

      1. I’ve done so many mock interviews, with so many different people. So many. I might try and see if I can get an alum to do one, but there aren’t a ton of alums from my school in my new state.

    3. Why not? It is unlikely that they will say anything, as people are unlikely to write/say anything that makes them feel like they may be perceieved as mean, but they might… I have learned quite a bit from analyzing my interview performance and from feedback of that nature as well.

  27. I purchased a pair of expensive-for-me (~$150; Ralph Lauren) black books this fall. I have worn them maybe 20 times this winter, and they are already getting “slouchy” in the ankle area. The leather doesn’t lay flat like it did when I first purchased them. I treated them with a leather protector before I wore them. I am usually fairly careful about how I sit and walk when I wear them (not bending my ankles too much). I store them flat in the box. Any ideas on how to prevent the ankle area from getting worn-out too fast? I don’t want my boot life span to be only 2 years :) Thanks, Ladies!

    1. I think a little bit of this is inevitable. I have started storing my boots standing up with inserts in them, but recently enough that I can’t tell if it has made a difference. The nicer the leather, generally the fewer problems you will have though.

      At the end of the season, make sure you get them repaired/shined before you stow them until fall. I totally destroyed a $400 pair of boots by not making sure to get the salt from the sidewalks cleaned off before I packed them up. Thankfully they were Cole Haan and they completely restored them for me this fall, but that’s a different story.

        1. second. Roll up magazines, stick them in shaft, and store them standing up. But honestly, leather ages, so they will start to look different. And get them cared for at a good cobbler at least once if not twice a year.

  28. I think it’s appropriate to ask – some people I know have, and have gotten candid feedback, and really, what’s the harm? “Thank you for the opportunity and please let me know if similar opportunities come up in your company. I would appreciate any feedback you had about my interview and ways I could improve as a candidate.”

  29. Does anyone know anything about Boden sizing? I’m wavering between ordering an 8 and a 10 in a dress. thoughts?

    2. I find they fit TTS, but I’ve only bought fairly flowy jersey dresses. I’m an 8 and order 8 in Boden.

    3. I found that when they switched to US sizing a couple of years ago they got more generous. Their website has a size chart which includes not only measurements of the wearer, but also garment measurements, so you can judge whether something will be cut tighter than you like a certain area. Their dress proportions, especially for sheath-type fitted dresses, tend to assume that the wearer is perfectly proportional, so if you are a bit pear shaped size up and expect to tailor the dress for the bust.

    4. I have a number of Boden pieces and they are all different sizes. I think their sizing is done by monkeys on d*ugs. I always buy two sizes and return the one that doesn’t fit. Their quality is really nice and I’ve been pleased with everything I’ve bought from them.

    5. I have big boobs, small hips, and carry a bit of extra weight in my stomach. Boden fits me great. If you have tiny boobs and stomach, size down. If you have large hips, size up.

    6. Lots of empire waist/generous allowance at the waist and tight at the hips.

      I think the founder, Johnnie Boden, infamously said that he purposely made the waists generous, because he thought it would help women who had given birth feel better about their stomach area. Love the prints, but I think the founder is a tw@t.

  30. Stuck in moderation & seriously need NY Corporettes’ advise. Where in Midtown or on the Upper Weat Side can I find reasonably priced black pants or skirt? Living in Fla now, I had no idea I’d outgrown my dress and pants until I got them out to pack.

    Any sales going on this weekend? Does NY have anything like LA’s fashion district?

    1. I don’t live in NYC but my mother does and we are bargain shoppers. My first suggestion is Loehmann’s – on 7th ave and maybe 17th in Chelsea. This is the hugest Loehmann’s you have ever seen. Hopefully you know that Loehmann’s in the realm of Marshall’s but with more designer names.

      At Banana Republic this weekend is a secret sale where you could get 20-50% off on your purchase – they give you some card and you scratch-off.

      hope that helps.

    2. Kat mentioned earlier this week that Lord and Taylor has a big sale on–they’re on 5th Ave at 38th St. The space is great, a classic NYC department store, and they do have a really nice selection of clothes.

    4. Found a pair of C Kleins for $49 on B’way. Wearing them tomorrow Thanks for your help!

  31. Do you have a lifetime list, bucket list or something similar- any list of things you want to do? What’s on it?

    I just started mine and realized that almost everything on mine is travel related, and I never would have described myself as a dedicated traveler. I need more ideas!

    1. Testify in Congress.

      Can’t think of anything else on my “list.” Better get on that…

    2. Add something that scares you to pieces.

      I had “jump out of an airplane” and “shoot a gun” on mine. Didn’t keep up with the skydiving (it was too expensive in my youth, and by the time I had money I also had kids) but I did become a firearms instructor.

      2. Hey, don’t chuck jump out of an airplane just yet! I know a guy who did at 61, and he’s terrified of heights and he LOVED it!

        I just went recently (thank you Groupon!) and it was phenomenal.

        1. Oh, I didn’t chuck it. I made several jumps. I just didn’t stick with it, as I’d certified right before the autumn rains hit, and by the time the weather and my work schedule jived the cert had expired and I’d have had to start over. I was young and poor, so…

          1. Ohhhhhh, you wanted to be all certified and fancy schmancy so you could jump out of perfectly good airplanes all by yourself instead of strapped to someone’s chest like a baby. Iiiiiii get it! :-)

            (P.s. getting punchy as I’m getting out of here 22 minutes early! Yay for the weekend!!)

          2. Yup. HUGE point of pride for me not to be strapped to someone else. Because I’m afraid of heights and it was important to me to do it On My Own.

            Shortly after that, dinosaurs became extinct and it also became harder to find jump schools that will let newbies do that.

    3. I recently started one for fun, so would love to hear about this. I only wrote it randomly the other week and haven’t done anything on it and it certainly isn’t finished.

      I have quite a few travel related things – places I’d like to go, things I’d like to see, ways to travel (Argentina, polar bears, Orient Express).

      Then there are more everyday ‘achievable’ ones – pay off student loans, own a designer handbag.

      And then there are random ones – meet a POTUS, see a movie at a drive-in…

      1. own boats (yes, plural)
        go to Japan
        be fluent in another language (Japanese might be useful… see above)
        learn how to tele-ski
        and why not, heli-ski too
        best yet, heli-ski with tele-skis

      2. The Orient Express was amazing!!! My mom surprised me for my sixteenth birthday because she knew how much I loved the book “Murder on the Orient Express.” We were in London visiting family when she told me that we were going to Leeds Castle, via Orient Express. I was beyond psyched. Even at 23 I’d still jump around like a child if I had the chance to travel that way again =p

    4. Great question!

      Two items that I have checked off my list:
      – own your own home before age 30 (moved in 6 days before my 30th birthday!)
      – be in a wedding (was my sister’s maid of honor last year)

      Three that I still have yet to do:
      – fly first class
      – stay at the George V hotel in Paris
      – see a Broadway show

      Excited to see what others post – hoping for some inspiration!

      1. I’m 41 and I’ve only got 2 of yours: bridesmaid and first class. I did do both before I hit 30 though. First class was actually at 17, but only because it was the only seat available. It was also a really short flight.

    5. Much of my life list focuses on travel, too. Some of the non-travel things (not yet crossed off!):
      * Live abroad for a year
      * Learn to play piano (well enough to play some Scarlatti, Bach and Mozart)
      * Own a house
      * Complete an Olympic-distance triathlon
      * Learn to play electric guitar
      * Attend one of the Outstanding in the Field dinners

      I find Maggie Mason’s “Mighty Life List” inspiring. Her website is mightygirl [dot] com.

      I also find it very satisfying to write down things I’ve already done that proved to be amazing Life List type things, whether or not I had ever set them down as conscious goals or plans (like going to summer sleepaway Girl Scout camp, or driving cross-country with my best friend the summer we graduated from college, or hiking up a mountain and skiing down a couloir).

      1. Some of my non-travel ones include:

        Love completely
        Learn another language fluently
        Learn how to handle a gun
        Save a life
        Meet a celebrity
        Eat caviar
        Take up photography

        Random, I know, but still fun.

        1. Oh, hey. I have 2 of these, too. Man, I haven’t done much in my years, but I have saved a life (2x!) and met a celebrity.

    6. – Run a marathon (did it last spring!)
      – Finish an Ironman
      – Publish something not work related
      – Perform on stage

      I also have a bunch of travel wish list type items, but whenever I start adding them to bucket list, I end up adding so many that it gets out of control.

    7. My favorite thin on Pinterest are the bucket lists / completed lists. Some because they are awesome and others because they are awesome in their terribleness (like the girl who had “Live in the USA ” with the note “born here! done!” on her done lists – if it happened the moment you took your first breathe, it does not count).

    1. As long as you kept everything else understated and classic, I think you could.

    4. i have this sweater and wear it exactly as you described. it’s gorgeous in person.

    5. i just bought that (and three other tippis in different colors) with the 20% off deal last week. i plan to wear it constantly, both with and without a blazer, in my business casual office.

  33. Have a question for the hive that might show my ignorance of trends… is it trendy now to wear a skirt with a slit in the front instead of back? I saw this a while back and almost laughed out loud, pitying the young woman who wore it that way, thinking she hadn’t noticed that the slit had slid around to the front. But I saw two instances this past week where the slit was in the front! What??!! Did I miss the memo on this? Am I hopelessly outdated? Are there skirts that are designed to be worn in the front?

    1. Yes, some are designed this way. I’ve been through the trend and back again a couple of times, and I have admitted defeat – it doesn’t work for me. It’s really hard not to rip out the slit while walking, and it’s even harder not to show all your business when sitting.

      1. Yes. I hate this trend, because it makes sitting without showing more than I’d like almost impossible.

      2. Aah – at least now I won’t try to be “helpful” and point out to someone that she’s wearing her skirt wrong. thanks!

    2. I have seen this on occasion but not to the degree that I would call it a trend. Unless I, too, am hopelessly outdated!

    3. There are. I have a black pencil ish skirt that has slit in the front over the left thigh. It’s only about 3″ and I wear it exclusively with black tights and long tops. I admit it’s not my most profesh, corporette skirt, but it fits really well, has a perfectly flat waistband area, and doesn’t wrinkle. It’s a great opportunity for me with my crazy long torso to wear long tops belted at the waist.

  34. I recently started one for fun, so would love to hear about this. I only wrote it randomly the other week and haven’t done anything on it and it certainly isn’t finished.

    I have quite a few travel related things – places I’d like to go, things I’d like to see, ways to travel (Argentina, polar bears, Orient Express).

    Then there are more everyday ‘achievable’ ones – pay off student loans, own a designer handbag.

    And then there are random ones – meet a POTUS, see a movie at a drive-in…

  36. I am putting together a business proposal to the partners of my firm to justify them paying for a portion of my LL.M. I am having trouble finding any information on the amount of a premium charged by tax attorneys with LL.M.s, if any.

    The LL.M. is in tax and my beginning the program part-time was encouraged by many partners and I do want to get it for my own career goals. However, the Managing Partner has asked that I find information on the billing premium or other hard numbers showing how my degree will bring value to the firm.

    Has anyone seen any surveys on this? Will any tax attorneys out there share what their firms do? Thanks.

    1. I’m not a tax lawyer but I have an idea.

      In BigLaw, certain credentials give an attorney a 1-year “boost” in the lock-step progression. For example, someone with a PhD starting out as a first year is paid (and billed) as a second year. So a typical first year makes $160k and a second year makes $170k. According to the rule of thirds, it increases the associate’s billing rate (assume 1800 goal) by $16.67.

  37. I feel like such an awful person. I have been hanging onto a crush on my “boss” for over a year. I’m friends with his wife, their kids play with ours, I’m otherwise happily married (for more than 1o years), but I am having the hardest time shaking off this “fire” or “thrill” or whatever it is when I am around him. He is not someone that I would want as a life partner or anything like that; I have no fantasies about leaving my DH to be with this guy. Actually, my husband is a really wonderful person, I love him, he’s attractive, he’s a great husband and a terrific dad, but I am not nearly as attracted to him as I am to “the boss.” And I get that, on some level, it is OK to find other men attractive even though you are married. But not to this extent, to the amount of time thoughts of him consume my mind. Have any of you been in such a state? How do I deal with this/get over it and just focus on my life, my marriage, my happiness without allowing my mind to wander off into ridiculous, school-girl fantasies? I feel ridiculous. And awful.

    1. I have no idea if this will help you, but I think getting harmless crushes are part of life. Even after you’re married. It’s not like having a marriage ceremony and kids shut down your imagination! I find that any time I spend significant time with a member of the opposite sec, a little crush is bound to develop.

      As long as you don’t act on it, this falls firmly in NBD world. And definitely not terrible personhood!

      1. You also sound like you’re letting yourself get into a bit of a self-destructive headspace. You think about the boss, which brings on feelings of guilt, which make you think about him more. And it imbues the whole thing with more meaning then it really has!

        So you need to cut it off at the pass. Give yourself permission to have this crush guilt free and you’ll probably think about it much less.

    2. I had feelings like this for my PROFESSOR in law school b/c he knew all about the LAW and I was GOING to be alawyer!

      I got OVER him VERY QUICKELY by watching him sitteing in his office. He was pickeing his NOSE and put it under his chair. FOOEY!

      I would NOT want him doing that in my APARTEMENT. FOOEY!

    3. I also think this is not a big deal, and it will probably run its course. How long have you been feeling this way? A year or two ago, I was infatuated with a guy friend of mine that I worked with. It lasted on and off a few months, and there were plenty of fantasies. He was in a relationship, I was engaged (now married). I was never even considering acting on it. I did think about whether I would if I were single. Anyway, it passed. I’m sure it’ll happen again with someone else. As anony said, you’re married, not dead! As long as you don’t act on it, there’s no harm here.

      1. I could have wrote this reply myself. In my instance the guy turned into a jerk too so I was REALLY glad I didn’t act on it. I’m happily married now and would have been pissed if I threw it all away for that. (I was engaged at the time.)

    4. I have been in a very similar situation, except it was a co-worker not boss, and the two families did not spend time together. I fell for him hard and could not think of anyone or anything else. I was scared of myself, consumed with guilt, and could not talk with anyone about this.
      I left the job, which eliminated any possibility of contact with the guy. To make matters worse, I loved that job, was very good at it, and had good prospects. I could not be as passionate about the job I took when I left, though I did OK there.
      It took me about 2 years to get over it, but even now, much later, I feel sad about this and empty inside. Things are as great between me and my husband as they’ve ever been.

      I have no advice for you, really, because I have felt the “fire and thrill” you’re feeling. Take care.

    5. Crushes have more power when you make them taboo and beat yourself up about them. It is perfectly ok to get a sexual charge from another man, you got married, not castrated. Also, it’s ok to lose the sexual charge from your husband, he’s old news and all his flaws are readily apparent, while the boss’ flaws are only visible to his wife. Don’t give yourself a hard time over this, doing so will make you think this crush is more than just a crush and that’s the last thing you want happening.

      I suggest you accept the crush, use it to spice up your marriage a bit with some fantasies during sex (what else good is a crush anyway), and then feel sad when inevitably, you realize this guy is just like any other guy, and the crush fades away. I swear, I thought at 14 my undying burning love for Taylor Hansen would last for eternity. It didn’t make it to Sophomore year.

      Whatever you do, don’t tell ANYONE. It’s a crush, it will go away, but if you tell your husband he will be forever suspicious of this guy for no reason. Wait I take that back, whatever you do DONT CHEAT. Then don’t tell ANYONE. :-)

      1. Yes, very much agree with all of this, in addition to what I said. The more you make it forbidden, the more power it will fave. Let your mind roam. Keep your mouth shut, and your hands to yourself.

      1. So I’ll disagree with everyone else, because this doesn’t seem like a little harmless crush, this seems like its becoming kind of an obsession. And it sounds like you are seeing him outside of work too. Are some emotional boundaries being crossed that are leading to this? Are you sharing or he sharing things more than a coworker usually does? If so, I would limit that time and those interactions. It sounds like you could be getting close to an emotional affair. If that’s off and the crush is this strong even from a distance, then I agree you are making it worse by beating yourself up about it.

        I would try to think about how hurt you would be if your husband had a coworker that he felt was way more attractive than you, and that he was fantasizing about regularly. I think of a harmless crush as thinking things like “oh he is so cute/charming/hot” but not actively fantasizing about that person. As long as you don’t act on it your not doing anything wrong and your not an awful person, but I don’t think its very healthy for your marriage so I would examine why you are feeling that way. (Attraction to power? bored at home? in need of a date night with hubs?)

        1. weighing in as a mental health professional with some training in marriage counseling (among other things)… there’s a difference between knowing someone outside of work and having an emotional affair. If OP is sharing things with the crush she isn’t with her husband, yeah, red flag.

          Otherwise, the crush is totally normal as long as you respect the bounds of all relationships (boss/worker, husband/wife, husband/wife). Not only is it normal, it’s common.

          After 10 yrs with your husband, you’ve seen him floss his teeth and you’ve walked into the restroom after he’s poo’d and you know about his disgustingly ratty favorite tshirt. With a crush, all you see is the person the way s/he wants to present to the world because you only see the person in public (showered/shaved/well-dressed/prepared to be seen). It’s no wonder the latter revs your engine!

          Also, perhaps, when you begin to accept that you’re married, not dead, and decide not to risk the relationships by crossing lines, the person may be less attractive when the risk isn’t there!

          1. Right I think there could be two possibilities there. I thought there were hints of more than a crush, but only OP can know for sure

          2. Definitely not having an emotional affair with him. I haven’t shared anything with him that is incredibly personal or emotional. And I’ve only leaned on him for emotional support once, and that was legitimately work-related, and not anything over the top – just a reassurance that I was adequately prepared for something that was terrifying for me at the time. It’s just this weird animal-like attraction I have for him, despite hearing about what a lousy spouse he is from his wife (or at least, he would be a lousy spouse for me). It’s one of those things where even when he stinks, it’s physically attractive. Does that make sense? I don’t really see him outside of “work” and I don’t “work” full-time for him, so I just see him on occasion or when I am with his wife (no coffees or lunches, or anything that is just the two of us, unless it’s “work” related).

            So, I’m going with harmless, act on nothing, and otherwise, just enjoy and otherwise let it go. Thanks again, everyone. I feel less insane right now.

          3. I should probably mention that I am also close to that age where a woman’s libido re-peaks. I think about s*x all.the.time … whether it’s fantasizing about my own hot husband or this other man. My DH’s libido is definitely not matched to mine right now, and it is a little frustrating. I could be intimate with him every night, but 3x a week is enough for him. I think this is also part of what is going on with me. Because, honestly, I haven’t given serious (s*xual) thought to another man, until now, since I met my DH. But, I’m not looking for windows of opportunity, not flirting, not seeking an emotional connection, and definitely not searching for meaning in small gestures.

      2. Reading your later comments, it sounds like what you need is some help to get rid of some s*xual energy. I’d spend some time figuring out a way to do something elaborate with the hubs that revs your engine and leaves you exhausted.

        Some people just do seem an insanely good chemical match (often this doesn’t last). But there are many ways to get a high other than getting together with one of those people. So I’d focus on getting what’s interesting about this guy from some other avenue.

  38. Ugh, brief rant, if I may.

    I have 2 pairs of Not Your Daughter’s jeans in different styles. I really like the fit and the denim. What I do not like, however, is the tag. It’s sewn into the side, at the waist, and feels like it’s 4 feet long. It constantly comes up over the waistband and flaps around, driving me slowly but surely insane.

    So, tonight I came home from work after a day full of tag readjustment, grabbed a seam ripper, and removed the tag from 1 pair. Not until I was almost finished did I realize that I had just ripped part of the seam that attaches the waistband to the pants. Now I basically have a big hole in my pants.

    1. I bet a tailor can fix that. I also know exactly what you mean about the tag! I hate that, but otherwise love the jeans.

  39. Stress and s-e-x. Hope I am not going to far for you lovely ladies!

    I am a recent law grad, bar passer. In 3 months time I: started my first job (litigation work); passed the bar; got engaged; and bought a condo. To say I am thrilled is an understatement. To say I have a ton on my mind, well, that would be right on.

    My fiance in the past month or so has complained that I have become more distant and less sexual. I absolutely agree. I just can’t seem to get myself “in the mood.” I am TRYING. I just hate this feeling and I hate that it is taking a toll on our relationship! Any tips, advice? Words of comfort?

    1. You’re stressed, you’re tired. It’s not surprising. Some tips that have been shared on here before.

      Schedule time — say Saturday afternoon and follow it religiously.
      Take full blown s*x off the table for awhile and do anything but…lowers the stakes.
      During your scheduled time, just have ” cuddle” time — and if it happens it happens. If not it doesn’t. Again, lower the stakes.

      There have been some threads on this but they may be hard to search for because it was mostly euphemistic for obvious reasons.

    2. I can definitely commiserate as I went through a similar phase with my now DH when the combo of working part time and doing full time law school really took a toll on that part of our lives. I find that getting “in the mood” is mostly mental for me – it was hard to take my mind of all the stressful things going on in my life to really let go and just enjoy it. I really thought there was something wrong with me for awhile because I just wasn’t interested in s-e-x, but once I sort of had that self-awareness that I was basically mentally blocking out my ability to enjoy it, things improved. Light some candles and try and relax and most importantly don’t pressure yourself.

    3. Sounds like you have a lot going on, and it’s normal to feel the way that you do in times like these! Just a few thoughts– when I was a litigator, I found that I was always hyper aware of my Blackberry and felt like I was always on call, even when I wasn’t. This can be a huge mood killer. If you’re feeling similarly, consider just turning off/putting away the phone for some period every evening. You don’t have to have s_x during this time, but giving yourself some time to feel free and disconnected from your job can be helpful.

      You might also consider a weekend away with your fiance, to disconnect from all the responsibilities of homeownership, etc. A couple nights in a hotel where you don’t have to focus on things that need to be done around the house, or upcoming plans, and can just hang out. Again, it doesn’t have to be a 48 hour s_x extravaganza, just an opportunity for you to reconnect without having to worry about typical life stuff.

      And just as a PSA, I had a similar issue where my drive started decreasing at a time when there were many stressful things going on in my life, and I just chalked it up to stress. More recently, the primary stressors were resolved, and I expected to see a rebound in drive, but didn’t. Turns out it was a side effect of my birth control, which I had been using for five years (although I didn’t feel the effect on my drive until a few years in). I’ve switched and it has made a huge difference.

  40. Etiquette question:
    When my brother and I were visiting my aunt, she gave us raffle tickets for her church’s bazaar event. My younger brother won a hotel stay in NYC that he cashed in for $2,000. (he’s putting it toward buying a car)

    1) Should he give my aunt some of the winnings since she gave him the ticket?
    2) How much? Is it a set amount or a % amount?

    The tickets were 10 dollars each, and I found later that the church members were obligated to buy a certain number of tickets. My aunt didn’t outright say that she felt entitled to some of the cash, but she hinted at it and mentioned that we should give some to the woman who ran the raffle. (which seems odd to me and could almost be seen as a kickback?)

    1. Maybe your brother could donate 10% to the church and thank Auntie for giving him the opportunity to tithe.
      Anybody asking for part of his winnings is pretty crass.

    2. If she gave him a gift, it’s his to do with as he pleases. If it pleases him to make a donation to the church, or to send Aunt to a thank-you flower bouquet, that’s great. If not, also great, because the ticket was a gift.

      Sheesh. If she wanted in on the prize, she should have so stipulated when she gave the tickets.

    3. I think your brother should just keep the money. My church has a big raffle-fundraising event that sounds a lot like this one. Every year someone wins a ton of money. However, it’s kind of understood that they would just return it as a “donation” to the church or the parish school. I think it someone were in real need for the money, they could keep it without people thinking twice. At my parish, however, there’s not a lot of people like that, so people just take the tax break and donate it back. To me, this kind of makes sense, as the church was putting up some of the money in the first place and the proceeds didn’t come from just the raffle tickets.

      Although a “donation” to the church is different than a “donation” to the person who ran the raffle. That’s not cool.

    4. If he had stuck with the NYC hotel stay, would auntie have gotten to tag along? What the woman running the raffle have gotten to?

      I’m guessing no. I would treat the cash the same as the original prize.

Comments are closed.