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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 346 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Melissa + Campana Scribble Flats Something on your mind? Chat about it here. I like these fun scribble flats for the weekend — the pink, the scribble, the soft rubber. Nice. They're $80 at Shopbop. Melissa + Campana Scribble Flats (L-2) P.S. Don't forget that Administrative Assistant's Day is April 24th (this coming Wednesday) — check out our last poll on what to get your assistant.

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Comments

  1. Susie

    This looks more like a novelty than a real shoe. It also reminds me of the jellies from the 80s. But if they are comfortable, maybe I’d try it on a hot summer non-work day.

        • PHX

          They were also an early 80s thing — I wore bright turquoise ones with thin white ankle socks. :)

        • Lady Harriet

          I definitely wore flat jelly sandals with glitter in them in the late 90’s. However, I was so out-of-step with fashion, that I also wore shiny spandex leggings as pants during that same time period. I was at least 5-8 years either too early or too late for that to be in style! I distinctly remember wearing pink and green floral leggings as pants with pink slouchy socks pulled up over them in 2001 and thinking I looked awesome.

          • anonypotamus

            bonus points if you had a tee-shirt with a coordinating floral pattern design in a square on the front. not that i would know anything about that. im also pretty sure i wore bike shorts with matching t-shirts during the late nineties. i’m blaming that on the fact that i was 9ish and had zero fashion sense.

        • TCFKAG

          I was so jelly of the girls in their jellies. Until I got them and then discovered they are the actual spawn of satan in terms of footwear. So much sweat – so little ventilation.

    • Laura B

      That’s what I couldn’t put my finger on! They look like jellies. I still don’t know if I like that or not.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I think these are cute but way more than I’d spend on them. All I can think about is how sweaty my feet were in jellies though.

        • Sydney Bristow

          Exactly! Although I can’t even remember buying them. I just sort of always seemed to have them.

      • hoola hoopa

        Same thought. I love these, but I’d have a very hard time spending $80. They look like they are probably more thoughtfully formed and comfortable than the drugstore jellies, but I still think I’d top out at $40 for rubber shoes.

        I seriously want them, though. Big time.

    • Neha

      That was my exact thought – I remember wearing jellies back in the 80s! I’ve still got my Doc Martens waiting for a grunge revival.

      • Anon

        Ha ha, I live near some high schools in Manhattan, and I keep seeing kids walking around in Doc Martens. I don’t know what makes me sadder — when I realize that I wore Docs when I was in high school too, TWENTY years ago, or that I did not keep them for the inevitable come back… Oh well.

      • Croc Lovers Unite

        I absolutely love my crocs for walking the dog and going to/from the gym – flats like those in the summer and (gasp!) the furry crocs in the winter.

      • Laura B

        I have a black pair like these (the back is enclosed on mine) and really like them. The finish on the outside does not look like plastic at all. I keep them in my office most of the time to use with my standing desk. And I do admit that they were a godsend at a national conference I recently went to – it was the second day of walking all day long, and it was torrentially raining. I honestly don’t think they stick out or read as rubber shoes at all with pants.

      • Anon

        I resisted crocs for the longest time, but I have some similiar to these and I LOVE them. I walk a lot and it is so great to have shoes that are actually comfortable/have some support!

      • Ekaterin Nile

        Thanks for the Crocs reminder! I bought a new pair of Mary Jane flats in brown and haven’t worn then yet (because it is still snowing here). Can’t wait to break them out.

      • Leina

        My friend has these for summer commuting shoes! I have been wanting a pair of my own for ages.

    • Leslie's Closet

      I don’t think I could do jellies. I haven’t worn them since the 80s, but I still remember the slimy gross feel…..I don’t know if I could do these. I got a pair of cute cap toe flats from payless (who knew?) for commuting.

    • Anonymous

      I have a pair in dark grey/silver. They don’t look too much like jellies. Ventilation isn’t too bad. I keep them in my suitcase for occasions when I need to wear a dress eg vacation smart casual dinner wearing a dress, when all my other shoes are for walking around all day in. The main advantage is they don’t crush in the suitcase.

  2. mintberrycrunch

    Immediate TJ: Still stocking up after my massive closet clean out and looking for some hive recommendations:

    1. What is your favorite layering tank? I need something for a long torso, with a little stretch and a high enough neckline to keep the girls under wraps. I’d also like something that doesn’t ride up! Looking for white, black, nude, etc.

    2. What brands of basic undergarments do you like? Needs to be seamless or otherwise limit potential for VPL, shifting, and other general awkwardness.

    • Nonny

      Basic tanks: I love Gap tanks. I am short of torso but they are very long and I suspect would work equally well for someone who has a long torso. They aren’t really suitable for wearing to the office without something over top, but they are a staple for me in terms of casual wear.

    • Anonymous

      Basic undergarments: hanky panky. VS also has a similar style underwear to HP that is pretty decent.

      • Anonymous

        +1 for Hanky Panky. I also like Calvin Klein’s invisibles thong. Great for yoga pants.

      • Anonymous

        Stop shopping at VS!!! Seriously. Their stuff is crap, it’s still expensive, and they are now marketing to pre-teen girls who don’t even have curves yet. There is absolutely no reason to shop there!!!

        • TK1

          I like shopping there, that is the only reason I need. I am free to shop there, you are free to not shop there.

          • maribel

            Yes! Please keep supporting the worst company in the world when it comes to inappropriately marketing sexual clothing to little girls. You go, TK1!

          • anon

            VS doesn’t sell “little girls” sizes, and “little girls” don’t have their own money.
            If PARENTS are buying their “little girls” clothing at an adult women’s store, then they need to take a little responsibility.

            Everything in the world doesn’t need to be child-friendly and child-appropriate, and 18-21 year old college girls (the target demo of “pink”) are actually adult women, you know.

          • Anonymous

            target demo of “pink” is college girls? Ha! Tell that to my 13-year-old niece and her very suburban crowd of friends! That what she requested for her birthday

          • Anonymous

            And they’re now introducing a new line called Bright Young Things that is targeting girls younger than PINK. I think its’ 11-13 year olds. Specifically targeting them.

            Obviously, TK1, you can shop wherever you want, but I just don’t see any reason to shop there. Their stuff is just as expensive as Nordstrom, but lower quality. They also are not honest when you get fitted because they have a very limited range of sizes, so they’ll tell you you’re a 36C when you’re actually a 32F. I hate walking in the mall and seeing their sexualized images facing into the thoroughfare. They used to keep it more secretive, like the ones on the outside wouldn’t be so bad, but now it’s women holding their bare br * e * sts being shown to men and women, girls and boys just walking by. Talk about objectifying women and putting forth an image that we all have huge ones with flat stomachs and no thighs to speak of. And this doesn’t have anything to do with them marketing to young girls.

            So you can shop there if you want, clearly, I don’t even know who you are. But I would like to know why you would.

          • cbackson

            I’m not generally a defender of VS, but the whole “Bright Young Things” furore is misplaced – that’s the name of their spring/summer collection for the existing Pink line. You can debate all you want about whether Pink itself is actually targeted to younger girls despite its stated target age (college), but let’s work from a basis of fact, please.

        • Anonymous

          Really, that’s your complaint, when we’re talking about a company that uses underage underpaid child labor to harvest their organic cotton? I mean, it’s virtually slave labor, but we’re still more worried about little white girls exploring their sexuality in a totally safe way?

          Got it.

    • R in Boston

      I recently discovered the shimera tanks at Nordstrom. They are great (and long).

      • Yo yo

        Love Shimera. One of the few items for which I will pay full price. They last forever, wash up great, stay put, are reversible (lower scoop on one side, higher if you wear it backwards). Seriously the best thing ever.

        Also love their boy shorts.

    • TBK

      Ann Taylor has some great office-appropriate camisoles. They’re solid colors with a fine mesh trim at the top (wish I could describe it better).

    • SJ

      I got some nice layering tanks from Target. They’re the Merona brand and have a high enough neckline that my girls stay put and are long enough not to ride up.

    • hoola hoopa

      Halogen camisoles (former Caslon) are exactly what you are looking for. They are fantastic.

    • anon2

      Some time ago another poster recommended Naomi & Nicole panties – they have the silicone “grips” that keep them in place and replace bulkier elastic for no VPL. Can be found online @ Kohls or in store and online @ Macy’s.

    • Flying Squirrel

      I’ve actually found that I really like the tanks at White House Black Market.

    • lawsuited

      For basic tanks: I love the Babaton tanks from Aritzia. They are soft, comfortable, don’t pill, don’t fade, don’t require tugging or readjusting to keep the girls covered. They also don’t require constant replacing – I still wear 2 that I bought 5 years ago!

    • Defense Wonk

      Love Ann Taylor tanks — although the rest of their stuff seems to have gone downhill sadly…

  3. Anon in CO

    Hive, any recommendations for a therapist in the Ft. Collins, CO area? I would prefer someone with no religious affiliations.

    • Anon

      I know someone in Ft Collins who has been to a therapist there. I will ask her and get back to you.

      • Anon

        If you are still around, I got some recs from my friend, but it’s a pretty lengthy email discussing the styles of the different people. If you post an anon email address I’d be happy to forward it to you.

  4. Car Shopping

    After being car free for a decade, my husband and I are starting to look at cars this weekend. We’re planning to buy new, and I have some questions about the process. How does car insurance work in this circumstance? Do we just price insurance ahead of tme and then call to enroll from the dealership once we decide on a car? Also any thoughts on 0% financing vs a small cash rebate? Many thanks!

    • Neha

      I think you need the VIN number on the car to finalize the insurance policy. You could probably call your insurance agent to get a quote, but the actual price for insurance probably wouldn’t be done until you purchase the car.

      • Mpls

        If you have existing car insurance, I think there is typically a cushion period (2 weeks or 30 days or something) where the car is covered even if it’s not specified on the policy. So, you may be able to set car insurance up in advance, and then get it finalized once the vehicle is purchased.

    • NOLA

      You will definitely need to talk to an insurance agent in advance. When you’re buying a car and already have one, the new car is covered automatically and you just call and change to the new VIN. In your case, you don’t have existing insurance, so you will want to talk to potential insurers about how this works and potential cars that you’re looking at.

    • a.k.

      yes, you can call ahead of time and give them as much information as you know – make, model and year, or you can ask them to price a couple of different models if you’re deciding. Then call from the dealership with your VIN and you’ll be covered when you drive off the lot.

      whatever you do, don’t make the mistake of waiting until you get home! a friend was hit by an uninsured driver in the 3.5 miles from the dealer to her house. the car was a total loss, uninsured.

      • JMDS

        You are not permitted to leave the lot without proof of insurance. For a new car, I believe you start the account and then the dealer will call with the VIN and finalize.

    • Joanie

      I don’t know about the car insurance issue, but as for the financing, I would absolutely do 0% financing over a cash rebate. Actually, my first preference would be to buy an older model (even just a year or two old makes a big difference in price) and pay cash for it. But if you must finance then I would do 0% if possible.

      • anon

        She should just do the math on how much interest she would pay at the regular rate vs how much the cash rebate is. Once when I bought a cheap car, it was a better deal to take the rebate. (though generally I think the financing is a better choice) The good thing about taking the rebate is that it’s money in your pocket. If you take the financing and then end up paying off early, you may not have gotten as much value out of the deal, if that makes sense.

    • NJ Transplant

      Last week, I posted asking for some guidance on negotiating the price of the Honda Accord LX. So first– a big thank you to all who responded with advice. I got the car, and at a great price. :-)

      Practices may vary by state, but having just bought a car in NJ, I can tell you what I did:

      At the dealership, I called my auto insurance company from the salesperson’s desk and gave my insurance company customer rep the VIN # of the car I was purchasing. I did not call my auto insurance company ahead of time. I called them pretty much at the point of purchase. I called to transfer coverage from our old car (a broken-down jalopy that we’ll probably donate) to the car I was purchasing.

      The customer rep entered the various pieces of info needed (a few general questions like: is this car new or used, what is the purchase price, etc. how many miles on it, and what do you intend to use this car for, etc.) and then that was that. It was surprisingly painless.

    • lawsuited

      While we were car shopping, I called our insurance broker frequently to get insurance qoutes for the different cars we were considering. In Canada, you can’t drive the new car off the lot until you have proof of insurance, but the dealership worked directly with our insurance broker to finalize that before our bill date.

      I refuse to pay interest on a depreciable asset, so 0% financing is a deal-breaker. I walked out of a couple of dealerships because some cocky 20-year-old sales guy *laughed* when I told him we were looking for 0% financing. There are plenty of cars for sale in plenty of dealerships, so stand your ground :)

  5. Annelin

    Long-time reader, first time commenter! I am in need of some shopping help. I work in a business casual office but I like to dress a bit nicer. I am in search of pants for work that look professional but aren’t too expensive. I like straight or boot cut fits (why are so many pants wide leg? I have chicken legs!) but I’m struggling to find anything that meets that criteria but also comes in my size (usually wear a 16 or a bigger 14). I live in the south so I’m also looking for cooler fabrics for the summer. I don’t think j crew or loft comes big enough, banana republic seemed to be heavier fabric or ankle length, and old navy/ target looked too casual and/or cheap. Any shopping ideas would be appreciated!

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’m about your size and second The Limited rec. also check out New York & Company.

      • mintberrycrunch

        Seconding the NY&Co recommendation – inexpensive, lots of cuts, and I’ve found they hold up surprisingly well.

        • Sydney Bristow

          They always have sales too. Actually, I think they are having a pants sale right now.

    • Mountain Girl

      I recently got a pair of Liz Claiborne secretly slender pants from JcPenney. I have easily paid 3 times that price for pants that aren’t as nice. I ordered them in winter white but just reordered them in a couple more colors.

    • a.k.

      Check out Gap Modern Boot – they are a slender boot cut but also come in large sizes. And machine washable!

      • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

        Second the rec of the Gap pants. I’m curvy on the bottom and these are the first pair of work pants that don’t gape at the waist.

    • TCFKAG

      Have you checked out Halogen brand pants from Nordstroms? I know they come in that size range and their curvy fit are fabulous. Plus when they go on sale (which is all the time) they’re a great deal.

      • Houston Attny

        Seconded! These are great. And there are even some on sale right now. Taylor fit is the curvy one.

        • Margaret

          I was just going to say to get the Halogen Taylor fit. Wore mine yesterday and was pleasantly surprised again at how well they fit compared to Everything Else.

      • eek

        I just bought three pairs on Tuesday and I’m quite pleased. They are siblings to Brooks Brothers Caroline/Catherine fits and Banana Republic Martin Fit, for comparison.

        I was slightly hyperventilating because they aren’t lined, but the cut and fabric seem to work for me. I also think the Halogen curvy fit works on a variety of size bodies, and they come in petites.

    • Michelle

      Loft pants definitely come in that size online so you can order via the web, even if they’re not in the stores in that size

  6. Laura B

    Since it is currently snowing/ice hailing outside my window right now in April, I can’t even begin to understand my thoughts on these flats. I think I’ve forgotten what weather warm enough for these would feel like.

    Anyway, I’m getting quotes for our homeowners, life, and disability insurance from three different agents right now. The two who we’ve worked with before are really pushing for a sit down meeting to present their quotes. My husband and I are both really busy with work right now, and honestly would prefer to get the quote first, formulate our thoughts and questions, and then talk to them about it. It’s not rude to ask them to send us the quotes for our consideration first before sitting down and talking, is it? Just trying to get a gut check from someone else on it, since I just got an email trying to set up a meeting from the one agent and I felt an immediate pang of annoyance.

    • Jo March

      It is not rude to ask for an email quote. We just went through the house insurance thing and got all quotes by email first. If they are trying to force you to come in right away, they are likely planning to do a real hard sell, without a chance for you to collect your thoughts/questions/concerns. That would be a red flag for me re: that company.

    • Equity's Darling

      I feel your pain re: snow. It’s 9C now, but we’re supposed to get more snow on Sunday.

      A joke I heard recently “we have two seasons- winter, and 6 weeks of bad skiing”. I will be taking up skiing next winter

    • Brant

      Wow, seriously? I have never had a “sit down conversation” with any auto carrier, ever. The only time I’ve met ANY of my lenders/insurers in person was during my home purchasing process- we met at the bank that was doing the lending.

  7. Events

    Reposting from late on this morning’s thread. Has anyone worked with A D o m i n i c k events in the DC area? (trying to avoid moderation). Would love to hear recommendations, especially about value for that price. TIA!

  8. Health Insurance??

    Have any of you been successful getting health insurance separate from your work? My employer provides health insurance benefits, but they’re horrible. I’d like to think I could do better on my own, but don’t even know where to start. Maybe the American Bar Assoc? Or the state bar? Or a private broker?

    • Mpls

      It may vary by state, but all of our major providers (Minnesota) provide policies that you can purchase individually. The cost typically depends on the level of deductible, but you can also do high-deductible plans that are eligible for HSA. So, I would check with the insurance companies directly (like Blue Cross and whatever else is common in your area).

    • Sydney Bristow

      I just went through this and it was super expensive. I wound up getting emergency only coverage for nearly $200/month and the least expensive HMO plan I qualified for was $800/month and it wasn’t very good. I used ehealthinsurance.com, which shows you plans from lots of providers.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        You’re in NY, right? For some reason individual plans are crazy expensive in NY. I had one when I lived in Georgia for less than $200 a month, but when I moved to NY, they were all at least $800 for the same thing.

        • Sydney Bristow

          Yeah, I hadn’t thought about that outside the car insurance realm. I never had to buy my own insurance when I lived elsewhere so I didn’t even have a frame of reference for the cost comparison.

    • Brant

      eesh, best of luck. I’m not sure if you don’t like the cost, or you don’t like the coverage options– if it’s the latter, you’ll be able to find private coverage that’s more comprehensive but it’s likely very expensive.

      I’m in MA, so we do have a system for this, but even though you’re not I suggest you play around on the MA Health Connector website- it will at least give you a super quick idea of what health plans MAY cost with the kind of coverage you want (even if you can’t sign up because you’re in another state). Then if the numbers dont’ scare you off, call up your local carriers and ask about options for individual policies. You could, of course, just start calling and inquiring but I like the online tool. I think Utah has one, too. Other states have them but they are high-risk pool only, so may not give you as accurate a read (unless you’re high risk…).

      Also, as of 1/1/2014 (theoretically) you’ll be able to shop at the new healthcare exchanges in almost all states. The prices may not be great, but the PPACA requires the exchanges are live by then …

    • Lynnet

      My husband and I were both unemployed/self-employed for a year and a half and we got a pretty good “emergencies” plan ($5000 deductible, but it covered prescriptions and a yearly physical) for $270/month for the both of us (both in our mid twenties, no chronic health problems). I thought it was bad at the time, but then I got a job and saw what my employer’s insurance covered (cost more, $12,000 deductible) and decided in retrospect that it was pretty good. We’re in CO, fwiw.

      • Sydney Bristow

        At least for me, if I was self-employed or had income under a certain level, I could have been on a cheaper plan. Although with a lower income I think it would have been a similar percentage of my income either way so not ultimately cheaper.

        • Lynnet

          It was a while ago, so I can’t be certain, but I don’t think they asked for our employment information or income.

  9. springtime

    Any competitive/amateur duathletes out there? I’m still deciding if I want to take the plunge- any advice would be appreciated :).

    • ironjojo

      not a duathlete but a triathlete. what kind of advice are you looking for? working out and competing in or participating in events is such a great way to meet people and stay healthy, so I encourage you to do it!

    • Sierra

      I’m a triathlete too. It’s really fun. I find tris much more rewarding than a single sport event (although I have yet to do a bike race). Just DU it. Look on meetup for a local tri club to join. Lots of people in my local tri club just do dus.

    • springtime

      Oh yay! I wasn’t sure anyone would reply!

      Advice I’m looking for:

      – how much do you really improve? Like, what were your times at the start of training as compared to now? How fit were you when you started? e.g. I can run 10k in around 43-44 min right now.
      – Do you train all year?
      – Do you think it interferes with the rest of your life sometimes- i.e., does training have to be #1 priority? (obviously during peak season I would bet it would be.)

      Anything you feel like people should know before diving in?

      • Sierra

        Improving depends on lots of things, where you start from and how hard you work. I did my first tri in 1998, a sprint distance. At the time, I had never run more than 2 miles. I had to walk most of the 5k run. My bike times improved the most when I started bike commuting. I don’t think I have ever done a 10k in under an hour. I’ve spent a lot more time developing endurance than I have speed. My endurance has improved a lot.

        Training year round, depends where I live and what my goals/interests are that year. When I lived in the caribbean, yes. Now I live in the states and it is foggy and rainy in the winter and I don’t like to bike outside when it’s dark and I hate being cold. So… the year I did my first ironman I just rode on my bike trainer inside on weekdays, and rode on the road on weekends when it wasn’t raining. I am a strong swimmer so I don’t bother swimming in the winter.

        Yes, but it doesn’t have to. I was pretty much like this guy during my ironman year (except I only got up before 6am on race days, but I was certainly in bed by 9pm): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B03dFMG8nR4 (and yes I think that video is hilarious) I turned down invites for happy hour every time I was asked. Did I think training interfered with my life? No, because it was exactly what I wanted to do that year.

        You can make it take over as much or as little of your life as possible. I’ve done sprint tris without any specific training. Just decided the night before to do a race. I’ve done half ironmans on 6 hours a week. If you already incorporate the 2 or 3 sports into your regular exercise schedule, you don’t need to do anything extra to do a race. (I would recommend doing some brick workouts, where you run immediately after a bike ride, just to get used to the heavy leg feeling. If you run a few minutes after every ride, it feels totally normal.)
        You can already run 10k at a very respectable pace. How much does your current training interfere with your life? Do you already bike and run?

        What you should know is that anyone can do a du or a tri, and just do it. Seriously, just show up and see how it goes. Volunteering for an event first will give you a better idea of what to expect, but don’t wait until you’re in perfect shape and super fast, etc, just do it.

        • Springtime

          That video is SO FUNNY!!!

          All helpful advice- thank you! Like you, I don’t like to be cold either, and I live in the NE, hence why I’m really not into swimming for a tri.

          Sounds like you have amazing endurance. Impressive!

          Training doesn’t really interfere with my life. I bike casually in the summer and spin 2 times a week in the morning as part of my 10k training (although not as of the last few weeks). I think joining a club is exactly what I need- motivation, new friends, and having that “team” feeling again.

          Maybe I’ll shoot to do one at the end of summer- I would definitely fall victim to “training to perfection” before I decide to race and wait until 2014!

      • ironjojo

        Like Sierra, I started with sprint triathlons and I had run about 10 marathons when I started. I’m slow as a snail, but I have a strong will and high pain tolerance. And like Sierra, every time I’ve trained for an Ironman, it took 5 months of committed training with 10 -12 workouts per week of anywhere between 1 hour to 7 hours depending on what we were doing. It’s exhausting. Because I live in So. Fla. we have to get out the door by 5:30 am to get in a workout before roasting in the heat. But we train year-round so that’s a huge benefit. I can do a sprint or olympic distance now without “training” if I’m not interested in a PR. I found my overall health has improved from paying more attention to nutrition and rest, but there’s definitely a desire to eat cheeseburgers and drink beer because you work out so much. Hauling that extra weight around the racecourse sucks! Your 10K time is way out of my league. With that base, you will be well positioned for duathlons. It’s all about the run anyway. There are a lot more people who bike well and fall apart on the run than the other way around. So take the plunge and just do it. But I will warn you, it’s addictive and it’s expensive!! Enjoy!

        • Springtime

          Thanks for the advice! Oh gosh 530- tried to run outside when I was in So Fla when it was 75 and humid and I fell apart!

          10 marathons- wow!

  10. Lower rise denim in the office

    Our office has finally embraced denim. I am not anti-denim, but am struggling to adopt to Office Denim. In the winter, it was OK b/c I wore jackets, sweaters, etc. But now that it’s warmer, tucked-in shirts look weird to me tucked into lower-rise jeans (not super-low rise, but with a 4-inch zipper). I feel that my torso looks very long this way. Untucked or tunic-type shirts? Get some Mom jeans for work (kidding — I am trying to find some good trouser jeans though, but the first mail-ordered ones are going back)?

  11. Kanye East

    Having broken two plastic forks in as many days, I can now safely conclude that I eat like a savage.

    //aggressively stabs salad//

    • rosie

      Did you break off the tines or did you break it clean in half? Usually I snap off the tines when I eat/slaughter salad. I did break a spatula in half while making cookie dough over the weekend.

      • Matilda

        TCFKAG, I don’t know you at all, but you make me laugh out loud at least once every Weekend Open Thread. I needed to laugh today — thanks!

    • Susie

      That happens sometimes, when you really want a steak followed by cheesecake dessert, but decide to be good and have salad instead!

    • Sierra

      Get a Light My Fire Spork! I keep mine in my office and bring one traveling. They clean up so well and I only break one per year.

      • Parfait

        I used to have one of those. I think I lost it at Burning Man last year. I need to get another one. So handy!

  12. embarassed

    In the past couple of years I have started seriously sweating from my inner thighs. I don’t sweat much at all anywhere else, unless I’m working out. My commute involves a total of 1 mile of walking and a hot subway ride. Even before I get on the subway I can usually feel it starting. This morning I was wearing a light dress and it was fairly cool outside, and I still started to sweat. By the time I got off the train I literally had sweat dripping down my legs. When it gets hotter I bring at least 1 extra pair of underwear with me to work. Sometimes 2 pairs to be safe. I am not overweight (but not rail thin either). I have tried different types of underwear, powder, deodorant (which worked but I don’t like putting that near my garden), and keeping things closely trimmed. Besides the deodorant, nothing has helped. Not sure what to do at this point. Ideas?

        • Anonymous

          I had a thyroid nodule drained about a year ago. It was benign. I also had 3 or 4 rounds of bloodwork done, and my thyroid levels were always normal. Besides a thyroid issue, what would cause this?

      • Merabella

        This was my first thought as well. You should get your hormone levels checked.

    • MaggieLizer

      Jockey Skimmies Slipshort, recommended here before, are lightweight and don’t show through your clothes. They really are like a slip, too, in that they prevent dresses from clinging. They’re $20/pair and available on Amazon.

      I’ve heard good things about Body Glide too, but never tried it.

      • TBK

        Bodyglide is for chafing (e.g., I put it on where my sportsbra rubs before I go on long runs – it’s also good for chafing if your thighs rub together). But believe me, it does nothing for sweat.

        • Sierra

          ditto re: Bodyglide.
          Try ExOfficio underwear. They dry really fast, good for backpacking or places like Phoenix.

    • M-C

      If it’s really thighs it shouldn’t affect your underwear? And if it does, then you need a GYN pronto..

  13. Paging Houston

    Dr. Siripoom McKay, if you read this site (and with your amazing sense of style, i imagine you do), you are the most fabulously dressed women I have ever seen. I hope that I can one day approach your level of awesomeness.

    Most recently I saw here wearing what I would describe as a silk skirt suit in a purple and gold subtle pattern, beautiful brown wedge heels, and a beautiful silky top underneath. I have also seen her rocking neon pants with neon wedge sneakers and a matching kate spade neon purse, with a deep purple sweater. While these may sound out there, they look amazing, stylish, and classy on her. She is an inspiration to all, and officially my style icon. One day I will escape my navy suits.

    • Anon

      Oooh, this has the makings of a fun threadjack.

      Who is your style icon? (or icons)?

      Mine are Kate Middleton and Kate Beckett (from Castle).

      • Becky

        Why Beckett? I love Castle and have watched since Episode 1 but I wouldn’t consider her style especially memorable.

        I recently discovered I want to come back as princess. Specifically Kate Middleton. I would probably deal with the media obsession just to have that wardrobe.

        • Susie

          I totally get it. Beckett always looks amazing and put together. I covet pretty much all her coats. She rocks her slacks and heels and heels at work, and looks amazing in her evening dresses.

      • A

        Kate Middleton and Olivia Pope!

        Audrey Hepburn for weekends.

        But I usually end up living in my yoga leggings and long sleeved T…

      • TO Lawyer

        ooo fun TJ! I would say Olivia Pope, Kate Middleton, Jessica Pearson/Rachel Zane

        I do love that there are women on the screen with actual professional wardrobes (maybe a little s3xier than a real office but it’s not Ally McBeal)

        • Backgrounder

          Love all your idols! Mine too. Rachel Zane can rock the h e l l out of a pencil skirt!

        • Lynnet

          Definitely Olivia Pope. I usually think Olivia Pope looks better than Kerry Washington does!

      • Monday

        I hadn’t thought about my “style icon.” But–Karen Fillipelli (sp?) from The Office! Played by Rashida Jones? How’s that for obscure? I think she’s one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood (which is saying a lot) and her suiting vests on that show inspired my closet staple.

        I know Kate Middleton is gorgeous and extremely fashionable, but I just can’t get down with the fundamental concept of royalty. It interferes with my ability to admire her, lame as that may sound.

      • Anonymous

        Has to be Veronica Palmer (Portia di Rossi) from Better Off Ted. Not only is she ” like a fawn in the woods with a machine gun.” But she wears multiple stunning suits an episode. Every one is classic, every one is beautiful and interesting and surprising.

    • Ellen

      I do NOT know this woman, so can NOT pass Judgement on whether she is or is NOT stylesish.

      Yay for OPEN Thread’s! I love Open thread’s! I have to freshen up b/c PHILIP is stoppeing by to pick me up to eat. I have NOT eaten lunch, so I will be abel to eat alot of bread at Morton’s. I love thier bread, tho I can’t tell dad, b/c he is already after me b/c of my TUCHUS size.

      I will report back to the hive on Monday about Philip–I am meeting Robert for the Met’s over the weekend, so I am goieing to be a busy girl this weekend. That is fine, b/c I do not have to go to court Tuesday. I do have some DEPO’s, but those are easy. I ask all the same questions all the time. The onley time I vary is if I know the guy (or woman) has already filed oposing papers with the WC division.

      Happy weekend to the HIVE, I must become beautiful for Philip. I wonder if he would consider useing my last name. Philip Barshevsky? I don’t think so. FOOEY! I do NOT even know his name yet. DOUBEL FOOEY!

  14. hoola hoopa

    Are the lace Toms as durable as the canvas ones? I love idea of ventilation, but I’m concerned that they won’t last. How long will they hold up to primary weekend/evening shoe wear?

    • M-

      I’ve been commuting in mine for about a month now. They stretch a lot, so maybe size a half size down, but so far they are holding up really well. I get tons of compliments on them, too.

  15. Anne Shirley

    On the hunt for a heated neck wrap the Aveda beauty school used to use during pedicures. It smelled vaguely of cloves/pumpkin pie. Any suggestions?

    • Godzilla

      I’ve never been to the Aveda beauty school but you can make your own heat wrap out of rice and whatever spices you want. Place in sock or decorative baggy of choice, secure tightly. Microwave and enjoy.

  16. Anonymous

    I bought a pair of very dark wash jeans. You know, the kind that comes with a special tag that basically tells you not to sit on a white couch until you wash them? Well, I’ve washed them 2 or 3 times now (hang dry) and the dye is still coming out. It’s not horrible, but if I wear them with a light colored shirt, by the end of the day the bottom of the shirt hem is a faint blue. Also, I have a tendency to sit on my hand sometimes and my hand will turn blue with dye. Any solutions besides keep washing them?

    • Jules

      Try washing them with white vinegar in the rinse. (My mother did this when we were kids and dyed Easter eggs, to set the dye.)

    • Matilda

      Soak them in a bucket filled with half cold water, half white vinegar. For hand-dyed yarn and bright running clothes, I tend to soak things for at least 24-48 hours. The vinegar will bind the dye to the fabric, possibly because it is magical.

    • gov anon

      You might try adding some vinegar to the wash with the jeans. Or look for a product called Synthropol to help set the dye.

    • Monday

      Are you washing them inside out? It doesn’t prevent all fading, but it helps, and I found it keeps jeans from getting streaks of discoloration.

    • Bloom

      This was really timely for me! I bought some yesterday and I washed them inside out in cold and instead of detergent put 1 cup of white vinegar in the washer. Worked like a charm! Wore them last night and no blue rub off.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      Agreed. Stay safe everyone.

      On a lighter note, being locked down makes me want to go out for take out SO BAD.

    • Matilda

      Ditto. This horrible, horrible week. I now have approximately the same attention span as a fruit fly.

  18. Veggie

    Does anyone have any good recommendations of books or websites that deal with raising children as vegetarians? We have a pediatrician that is very supportive, but I want to do some more research on how nutritional needs differ in kids before we start moving into the world of baby food! Thanks!

    • Anon in NYC

      Check out Daily Garnish. She’s raising her son vegetarian. I’m not sure if she’s done a write up on stuff like this, but I remember she did a post a while ago on dairy and her thought process/research on the different types of milk. She might link to some resources.

    • veg mom here

      Our 2 young kids are vegetarian and I read a few books on it, New Vegetarian Baby and Disease-Proof Your Child, which I liked OK (the former sounds like more what you’re looking for, with pretty granular nutrition info). Mostly we just try to give them a balanced diet and we do a multivitamin. No issues so far and they’re very hearty, although that obviously could just be luck.

      Your best resource actually is probably the “Playground” board on the PPK.com forums, which is full of nice people and helpful info. It’s vegan-focused but there are a lot of posters whose kids are lacto-ovo.

    • Flying Squirrel

      I think it’s a great idea to get some books just to make sure things are balanced (regardless of what diet you give your kids), though I don’t have recommendations. I’m just writing to point out that probably about 80% of the Indian subcontinent (and that’s a lot of people) is vegetarian and raises their kids that way. They’ve been doing it for centuries. So you should feel confident that vegetarian can be healthy. I know you obviously don’t think this, but I do find the implication I hear occasionally that vegetarian is weird or nutritionally deficient to be offensive.

      If nothing else, you could probably choose a traditional Indian diet (which varies a lot between north and south India) and be fine. Almost all Indian diets include dairy, though, if that’s a concern.

  19. ANP

    Hi gang! I’m back to work from maternity leave next week and realized I’m in dire need of tops to go under blazers and cardigans (or to be worn solo). I’m thinking short sleeved shells or dressy cotton tees — any recs? Prefer to keep them relatively inexpensive since I’ve still got about 10 lbs to lose. Thanks!

    • just Karen

      I don’t know about long term durability, but I think these look good under jackets and cardigans for a not-too-formal office, and they are definitely cheap!

    • hoola hoopa

      Loft is perfect for this. (I had to do the same last year!) They also conveniently have a 40% off everything sale right now.

      I flipped through and pulled out a few. To avoid moderation, I’m only putting the name rather than link. There are plenty more, so look around:
      Etched Print Shirred Neck Shell
      Layered Cap Sleeve Henley (bonus: This would be great for pumping)
      Pleated Bodice Shell
      Ruched Neck Tee
      Peasant Tee

      As a side, check out ON’s “Women’s Jersey Peasant Blouses”. Absolutely perfect for nursing on the weekends.

  20. P S A

    So the Brooks Bros sale is still being very wonky about its fluctuating prices, but some cute stuff is available and super cheap: polka dot blazer for 49, some casual pants for 20, denim shirtdress for 19, some nice work pants and skirts in thr 40-60 range and loads of nice leather belts on serious mark downs. Oh, and last but not least, the Levis Curve ID jeans people were asking about are all 38 now. Regularpriced clothes are all 20% off too till midnight for a charity event. Just wanted to pass on in case anyone needs to stock up or just wants a polka dot blazer.

  21. Nonny

    Club Monaco alert!

    Just went in at lunch, and man, do they ever have some cute things in right now. I recommend a perusal.

    I managed to hold off but have my eye on a couple of things…

    • TO Lawyer

      I noticed the same thing when I was in CM last week but everything seems SO overpriced. Is it worth it?

      • Monday

        I’m a huge fanatic of silk shirts, and for this item I do find CM to be better quality than other brands. They hold up like new after repeat hand washings. I don’t own anything else from them, but agree the prices are steep.

      • Nonny

        Well, it’s good quality stuff and in my experience holds up well. I didn’t try any of it on today, but once that tax refund comes in I might check out the blazers that they currently have in stock.

        • TO Lawyer

          So I went to CM yesterday – you were totally right… Everything is adorable and I may have to spend my clothing budget on basically everything.

  22. Kate

    I’m looking for a leather jacket (real leather, not faux). Black or brown (even a lighter cognac color might be okay, but not tan or white or colored). I’m willing to spend a decent amount of money if it’s the perfect jacket but nothing insane (definitely under $500, ideally more like 200-300), and I would prefer to buy something on sale (my new “cutting down on shopping addiction” rule). The main issue is I’m petite but busty (32DD) and so I want something small and fitted, without a lot going on in the front (no ruffles, large lapels, etc.). Zippers and buckles are totally fine, though. I just don’t want anything too trendy because I hope to wear this jacket for years. I found a jacket at Cole Haan that fit me perfectly and was a decent price (the drapey glove leather lamb jacket, which was originally $695 but with a sale and their friends and family discount last weekend was only around $350), but I didn’t love the ruffles. Thoughts/ideas? TIA :)

  23. Leigh

    How do you ladies store/organize your perfume/body spray if you have multiple bottles of it? For some reason, everyone buys me body spray, which means I have SO MUCH of it. It looks sloppy just sitting on my dresser, and I can’t think of another way to store it where I’ll still remember to use it.

    • Susie

      I toss them in a box under my bathroom sink. They were all gifts and I don’t use them, ever.

      • SFBayA

        Yep, somehow multiple sets of aunts have it in their minds that I like that … ahem … stuff. If it is shrinkwrapped or sealed and therefore obviously brand new, I donate it to a women’s shelter. I’m sure it would be very appreciated there. Otherwise, I empty it out as best I can and recycle the damn things.

        • Susie

          If you are really industrious, you can even organize a drive at your workplace. Someone did that here a few months ago.

      • Regifter

        I put stuff like this in a box I have for last minute gifts… of course, you should try to not regift it to the person who gave it to you, but it so far has worked out well for me.

    • espresso bean

      I like to arrange them on pretty trays in the bathroom. Something about corralling products onto a tray makes them seem more organized and controlled.

  24. Anonymous

    Hi ladies. I’m a 3L trying to choose between practice groups, and I was wondering if any of you had experience working in Employee Benefits. I didn’t rotate through this group last summer, but there’s an opening this year so I thought I’d at least consider it. Any insight into the work or lifestyle? Pros/cons? Is it very similar to tax?

    • Susie

      Employee benefits deal with a very narrow section of the tax code, but generally not what you think of when you think “tax attorney.” It is a very niche field, and people I know if the area enjoy it but it’s not for everyone. Most big firms have a small ERISA/benefits practice group, and there are in house opportunities as well as with the IRS, but it is somewhat limited/limiting.

      • anon

        My husband does this and hates it. He has found it extremely difficult to switch practice areas from it–it’s not like, for example, products liability where if you find out you don’t like it, you can just move on to general commercial lit because you’ve developed similar skills. The hours, however, tend to be very stable. There are busy periods and less busy periods but it doesn’t tend to be feast or famine.

    • Anon

      I’ve never practiced in this area, so take this with a grain of salt, but I’m a midlevel at a large firm and it seems like labor and employment experience is really valuable in terms of moving in house.

      • Susie

        Benefits is different from employment. For what its worth, where I work we have about 200 in house counsel, of which exactly one does benefits.

      • ac

        As Susie said, L&E and Employee Benefits are not the same. L&E generally involves litigation and some counseling related to disputes between employee and employer; my understanding of benefits is that it’s mostly counseling (e.g., preparing plans and advising clients on implementation of benefits plans). A related area that I’ve generally seen treated as a separate specialty is ERISA litigation, which involves a type of litigation related to benefits. From my observation, being an employee benefits attorney is more like being a tax attorney than just about any other type.

        One positive aspect is that benefits attorneys are reputed to have good quality of life compared to other attorneys at big firms.

    • ERISA_Lady

      I’ve been practicing in the employee benefits area for more than a decade, in private practice (BigLaw) and in house. I would not advise you to select this area unless you genuinely find it interesting. As others have mentioned, it is a very specific knowledge base and not transferable to other areas of law. It is also very technical, so you really need to enjoy picking through technical parts of the Internal Revenue Code — if you don’t enjoy that, then you will find the employee benefits practice painful. As far as lifestyle goes, it if a day in, day out kind of practice, which can be more manageable than a practice which is driven by huge deadlines and trial schedules. However, clients are very demanding of outside counsel right now, so if you are in BigLaw you are still going to end up working a lot and working late to get your work done (and if you aren’t, you need to worry about your job security). I generally worked 9-7 with a late night once per week and some work on the weekend, and I was basically billing my benchmark. Unlike other practices, there aren’t many “easy” hours, like travel or diligence or long conference calls where they only discuss your issue for 2 minutes, and clients are really cracking down on bills. After private practice, there are some good in house opportunities available, but there aren’t that many compared to the opportunities available for corporate generalists and litigators — in fact, I would not count on getting an in house ERISA job in your general geographic area. And then if you get one, that’s great, but there probably isn’t any promotion potential. With respect to job security while at a law firm, it’s great to be a specialist when someone needs a specialist, but since 2008 a lot of companies have taken this work in house or to small firms, so its also possible to get stuck as a specialist with no clients or, as a junior lawyer, with no meaningful opportunities to learn. It’s also frequently viewed as a service practice within the law firm, so you aren’t as central to the firm’s vision for expanding business and your prospects for promotion within the firm are less viable than other associates’ prospects. So. bottom line, don’t go into this area unless you really enjoy it — it is a difficult subject to master and the opportunities and job security are not what they were even 5 years ago. I think it can be more manageable at a small firm (meaning local, not regional or AmLaw 100), so if you’re really interested in ERISA, I might focus on that type of opportunity rather than BigLaw. I might also try a benefits consulting firm.

    • big dipper

      This might out me, but here it is anyway. I’m a 3L who will (most likely) be working in the employee benefits practice of my BigLaw firm. I like the subject area, I like the people in the group, I like the consistent hours and the consistent stream of work that helps you meet your billables.

      That being said, I agree 100% with the advice above. A few other thoughts:

      – I think whether you’ll like it depends on the work you doing. Is it an ERISA litigation practice? Is it a more advisory/counseling based practice focusing strictly employee benefit plans? Is it more focused on executive compensation?

      – I would ask (if you have the option) to see if you can conduct informational interviews with people in the group. It’s usually a really small group – so if you don’t like the people, it will be miserable.

      – Also, you should ask them about the types of tasks they do everyday, especially as young associates, rather than the practice area itself. Are they mostly doing ERISA or IRC research? Are they drafting contracts? Are they completing due diligence assignments? Are they reviewing contracts drafted by others? How much client contact is there, and what types of interactions do they have with the client? That will help you get a feel for what your day to day will look like, and whether you like those types of tasks.

      – If you don’t like it, you can always try to transfer out after giving it a reasonably. I know that lawyers tend to feel very pinned down in their practice areas/locations/etc, but at least at my firm, there’s a lot of mobility when you’re a young associate.

      If you want to chat more about your specific situation or my specific situation, feel free to email me at [big dipper says at gmail] – no spaces.

    • Tax Grl

      I’ve been an attorney in a tax department for 5 years. In the last year I started pitching in on employee benefits projects because I had capacity and our employee benefits department was really busy. I love tax law, but don’t get very excited about my employee benefits projects. So don’t think you’ll enjoy employee benefits just because you like tax law.

      That said, in my region (Midwest) employee benefits lawyers are in demand. (The reason that our employee benefits department is so busy is because 2 of our associates left for some kick-a** in-house positions.) Employee benefit attorneys generally don’t work crazy long hours, but the hours are still long if you are in “Biglaw.” Other people have already given good advice on the pitfalls of being in a “service” department and in not having a niche that easily parlays into other legal areas.

      Good luck with your decision.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks to everyone who replied! This was very helpful and a great example of why I love this site.

  25. Calibrachoa

    TGIF.

    My teammate has been panicking all week because her boyfriend’s parents are flying over to meet her next week… Not that I mind talking personal stuff but I am starting to get anxious about meeting my taller half’s folks! we’re at the 6 month mark so it is probably going to be on the table soon.. and teammate #2 is not helping with all the talk about how everyone in his family hates his wife!

    • Cb

      Ha! This is my life, his mom and her partner in May, dad and his wife in June, and my mom in July. I am sure they are lovely, he’s lovely but I really, really want them to like me which I think makes me more annoying :)

      • Calibrachoa

        I don’t know yet when he intends to introduce e but I know I havea hard deadline of “Before we fly across the continent to meet MY mom” – his parents live in the city, he is actually currently out for a pint with his dad, so it would be absurd if it happened the other way around… and then there will be the sister and the other brother and the nephews… One brother I already know…. from work. and I dunno if he knows about us XD

    • Sydney Bristow

      If it helps, I was really nervous to meet my boyfriend’s parents, partly because he doesn’t have that great of a relationship with his dad. He wasn’t very helpful trying to lessen my fears, but ultimately it went great. We get along very well and it seems like his relationship with his dad has been improving as we spend more time together.

      I’m sure you’ll get through it just fine! Try not to let her nerves rub off on you!

      • Calibrachoa

        Thanks! It is hard but I hope I will manage… I’ve never before seriously met someone’s parents like this (I grew up in a tiny village so…) so it’s adding some extra nerves. There’s so many things about me they could disapprove of – too young, foreign, not Catholic just to name a few – so I find myself anxious without even knowing when I get introduced…

    • KC

      Good luck! I met my bf’s parents ridiculously early (I think maybe a month or two after we started dating) and then he didn’t meet my parents for over a year due to busy schedules/the fact I typically visit them. I felt bad for him, by that point he was so nervous about their approval. It’s cliche, but if you make him happy, a good parent will recognize and appreciate that :)

      • Calibrachoa

        Thanks! I guess I am a biut extra worried cause another teammate keeps mentioning how everyone in his family hates his wife so that is why they’re here and not in Sweden or UK…

    • Cb

      I just saw your update post but it seems to have disappeared. I’m sorry to hear that!

        • Calibrachoa

          Thanks… apparently he thinks I am too moody, too clingy, too young, “just a habit” to him and oh there was some buillshit about the hours I work too…

    • Divaliscious11

      Am I the only one who thinks 6 months might be early for meeting parents? I’d need a much more solid relationship before meeting or introducing parents.

      • Anonymous

        I met my BF’s mom the same night we started dating. They were both attending the same party. He took her home early, came back to the party, we got flirty, shared a smooch on the way out…

        I didn’t meet his dad for another six months and he still hasn’t met my folks due to distance. Hoping it’ll happen this summer sometime.

      • Calibrachoa

        although it is all a moot point now, I was also factoring in the fact that I’d known him well for years beforehand…. 6 years of friendship + 6 months of official coupledom…

      • The Polar Seal

        I think this really depends on your relationship with your family/parents. All my friends know my parents, anyone I have casually dated has typically met my parents and sister. My family is fun and I spend a lot of time with them. It feels natural for anyone in my life to come to dinner, go hiking, pop in for lunch with me. It doesn’t always have to be so high pressure.

  26. Threadjack re life planning / TTC

    Sorry, long TJ, but I need sage advice–for a married couple deciding when to start TTC.

    We both very much want children someday. In fact, in a perfect world we would start TTC immediately, but we are holding back. We are both around 30, and had hoped that by this time, we could have moved back across the country to Hometown, find jobs near family, put a down payment on a home, buy a car, and build a family. But life is unpredictable! We had moved to Big City so I could go to law school, and I graduated without finding a job in Hometown, which had been the plan. Thankfully, in the fall, I got a great job in Big City (where I went to law school). So we are still in Big City, in a tiny apartment. We do really love life in Big City, we both have solid jobs that we enjoy, and we are starting to build our savings. We still plan to move back to Hometown, but for career reasons the soonest we can move to Hometown is 2 1/2 years from now. And that is, of course, dependent on my finding a job (my husband won’t have a problem).

    Here is the dilemma. We are stable enough to have children now, without it being entirely irresponsible. We have healthcare, we have jobs–money would be tight, family would be far away, but we could make it work. And I at least am worried that if we wait to move back to Hometown, and especially if it it takes longer than expected to find jobs, our chances of fertility problems will be higher by the time we get around to trying to conceive. There is no getting around biological probabilities! I am also worried that it’s not like we can just move to Hometown and get pregnant right away–I might have to work at new job for a while before I can take maternity leave (I will likely be working for the government, which means using sick leave and annual leave, and having no paid maternity leave). It could be 4-5 years from now, and that’s a long time to wait when you really want kids. Part of me thinks that we wouldn’t do anything if we waited for perfect conditions, and that we should go off of birth control while in Big City, and trust in our ability to deal with whatever happens after that.

    On the other hand, if we wait until we can move back to Hometown, we would have the support of our families, money wouldn’t be as tight, and we could focus on really enjoying our (hypothetical) children without feeling an urgency to find a good school district, search for a new job, buy a home, or move across the country. We can’t wait to have children, and we want to be able to really enjoy the years when they are young and cute and exhausting. And the idea of having kids in Big City, finding childcare, paying for childcare, searching for two new jobs, moving, all within the time frame of a few years…sounds overwhelming. Also, Big City is really expensive, and I’m terrified about the cost of childcare. We make between $100k and $150k together, and have some loans (not talking Biglaw here).

    We may be overthinking this, but having children is really important to both of us. Should we try not to think about children right now, move the plan back a few years, and wait until we are settled in Hometown? Or should we try to have children now, knowing that it is not yet ideal but that we could make it work? Or, third option, should we wait 2 years, go off birth control and start the job search, and let the chips fall where they may?

    BTW, moving back to Hometown eventually is non-negotiable. After a year of long distance after I moved to Big City for law school, my husband (then boyfriend) moved here for me. He has found a job, made friends, and never once brought up everything he gave up, but I have always assured him we would move back. This is not where his heart is, he is incredibly close to his family. I am pretty sure that my assurances that I, too, wanted to end up in Hometown were a major factor in his decision to basically follow me to Big City. I could never ask him to stay in Big City longer term. I wouldn’t want to either, truth be told.

    Thank you. I know this is long winded but I have been anxious, running numbers and ages and probabilities through my head over and over, and I could use some perspective.

    • Susie

      As you said, there is never a right time to have a baby, there will always be obstacles and challenges. It is a big decision and you are right to think it through, but the bottom line is you both want children, and can handle it if it happens so if I were in your place I would “let nature take its course.” It could happen right away, or it may not even happen while you are in Big City even if you try. The future is too uncertain to make definite plans. My $0.02, take it with a grain of salt since I’m 31, married 5 years with no kids and I don’t feel anywhere near ready.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t wait. We have been TTC now for 5 years and wish we had started earlier.

      • mintberrycrunch

        Agreed. My DH and I tried to time things perfectly with our jobs and TTC, but once we started trying, we ran into issues we didn’t expect. If you are ready for kids and would be able to give them a stable (albeit small) home, I would go for it and see what happens.

      • Flying Squirrel

        This. Well, 2.5 years for us…2 miscarriages and in the middle of my fifth cycle of IVF. I am in a tiny minority, of course, but don’t wait if you’re ready!!! And your situation doesn’t sound that bad for raising a kid. It may be difficult at first, but you sound like you have a good relationship and stable job prospects…so you’re way better off than most.

        The one piece of advice that literally every woman in whatever career stage/position who has kids has told me is that if you are ready to have kids, “Don’t wait!” Not having kids when you want them doesn’t get easier…and 30 is definitely not too young/inexperienced. Not starting TTC sooner is my only regret on this IF journey (which in our case would have happened anyway).

        If you decide to wait, however, please, please, please get yourself and your DH checked out for potential infertility issues since that could sway your planning. I never would have suspected that we had issues, but we did…wish we had known earlier.

    • meme

      You may never get to that *perfect* situation (in your mind) to have kids. And maybe you will, but not until you’re 40. Fertility is unpredictable, you’re 30 already, you want kids (plural), and your financial situation is conducive. I’d go for it if I were you. Certainly if you have fertility problems later you’ll regret waiting just because life wasn’t working out precisely how you pictured it.

    • darjeeling

      agree with others- time to rip off the bandaid! I went through a similar calculus at 29, we realized we weren’t getting any more mature so we might as well get going, and it took a solid year before anything happened so there was plenty of time to get ready.

      • orangecrush

        Along these lines, how young is too young to just start trying if you know you want kids? I’m married, working, with a generally stable life & DH, but I’m 25. We’re thinking of waiting 2ish more years before TTC, but I’m interested to hear what you ladies think.

        • Hmm

          I think each couple must decide for themselves. 25 isn’t crazy young for most people, but I wasn’t ready at that age and neither was DH. For me, it was a big deal to be able to support the baby on my own (read: get my career established) and be confident that DH would be a good father and partner after we had a kid. Besides basic financial stability, it is most important to me to bring the kid into a strong marriage that is built to last decades, which for us meant waiting a few years past the newlywed stage. Nothing spells POVERTY faster than a single mom who doesn’t have good career options.

        • Anonalawyer

          I had my first at 25 and have never regretted it. But in addition to your own maturity and financial situation, what your friends and colleagues in your area are doing may matter too. I’m in the NE, and most of the parents of my kids’ friends are at least 10 years older than me. It can be a little strange at times. But I’m looking forward to being an empty nester in my early 40s!

        • CKB

          Don’t know if you’re still reading this. I have 3 kids – gave birth at 24, 26 (almost 27) and 30. I’ll never regret having my kids at younger age. They now range in age from 7 to 13. Oh, and we had 3 m/c before #1 was born. However, we are part of a culture where having kids young is the norm. I’m glad we have lots of energy for our kids, and will have them out of the house (hopefully) by the time we’re in our 50s. Financially having kids young made things tight, but we survived.

          My parents had 3 kids when they were young (in their 20s – including me) and 2 more when they were older (late 30s-early 40s) not by choice, that’s just the way things worked out. From this experience, and seeing how my parents’ parenting changed, I’d way rather be a young parent than an older parent. Not to mention my dad retired before my youngest brother graduated high school. Just my 2 cents.

    • In House Lobbyist

      My husband finally put his foot down when I was 32 and pretty much demanded we have a baby. I kept waiting for the perfect time too. I am so glad he did that because I was having all the thoughts that you were – I am definitely a planner. I am now 36 and about to have our second. We had one miscarriage in between. It definitely took a few extra months to get pregnant at 35 than it did at 32. And I found it very scary with all the new risks you are presented with once you reach the magic age of 35. And I think it gets physically harder the older and more children you have. At least for me, this pregnancy had been more tiring and felt harder being older and having a toddler than still needs lots of attention. In short, as long you can afford childcare and healthcare, I think you should go for it. Otherwise babies don’t really need all the “stuff” that the baby stores want you to believe.

    • been there

      In your shoes, I’d start now. Even if you conceived tomorrow, the birth is 9 months away.
      And I echo all the advice above- there’s never a good time/ you never know how easy it will be for you to conceive, etc.

      FWIW, if you’re in a Big City somewhere with cold winters, you may want to ease off the birth control consider not actively start TTC’ing until you’d be giving birth in a somewhat moer reasonable month (ie- if you conceive this month, baby will be born in January- if you’re in a city and rely on walking/public transit, do you want to be getting to/from all the once-a-week OB appts from Dec-Jan, and hauling a newborn in 2 feet of snow for the early appts?). If you’re not in the north, or have an easy work around (a car in a garage, for example), then go for it!

    • Olivia Pope

      I’m late to this thread, but I’m also on Team Start Trying. I say, if you both want kids, you both have solid jobs/finances/healthcare, then start trying now. You really don’t know when you will actually get pregnant, whether the first pregnancy will lead to a birth or miscarriage, etc. You have to just let God/nature take control!

    • OP here

      Thank you to everyone for the responses. They’ve reinforced what I have been thinking, but have been too afraid to act upon. I think SO and I are in for some serious discussion :)

  27. Cb

    I’m sitting in downtown SF before heading to meet a friend. It’s been a few years and I still can’t decide if I miss this city or not.

    • Cb

      Biggest non sequitur ever, there was actually a question. Is it weird for anyone else to come ‘home’ after starting a new life somewhere else?

      • yep.

        Totally. My “hometown” completely re-routed their freeway so that weird feeling of alienation is compounded by the fact that I get lost whenever I try to drive around.

      • MJ

        Cb–I have lived in abroad in London, so I always chuckle at your Scotland posts. I live in Silicon Valley, but I have never felt at home in SF. I adore the food scene but prefer the Peninsula weather. I haven’t found a neighborhood in SF that’s “me”, but I love Chrissy Field, Asian Art Museum, Legion of Honor, GG Park, all the wonderful public spaces that make SF such a gorgeous city. I am slated to leave the NorCal area this summer, and I am also not sure if I miss SF–it’s lovely, but it’s not “my place.” I realize you grew up in SF, so you may feel differently.

        When I lived abroad for several years, the funniest thing about coming home was realizing how different my life abroad was–like it was weird to (i) drive a car (ii) shop in huge quantities at supermarkets (iii) see the giant American food portions (iv) understand pop culture references for anything that had happened at “home” which would not be newsworthy in the UK.

        I completely identify with how weird it is to feel so disconnected to “home” and yet have it feel so familiar. I have never found quite the right way to describe this, but, it’s a sort of gratitude for your new, faraway life, mixed with nostalgia for the rose-tinted version of your old life, if that makes sense.

        The sense of not belonging here nor there took a while to fade when I finally moved back to the US (to NY, which was also very different from home for me).

        I am glad you are here to enjoy a glorious weekend in the Bay Area. I will be a Chrissy Field tomorrow morning myself, with the labradoodle!

      • Plan B

        Yes. I feel that way about where I grew up. I’ve also moved around quite a bit in the last 20 years, and when I go back to some of those places, it is as though I never left.

  28. NewZealandPenguins

    Long time commenter, first-time poster here! Help me plan a trip to Europe!

    My summer plans have solidified and I will end up having about 2-3 weeks in August to do whatever I want. And what I want is to do the stereotypical crazy European tour vacation, but I have no idea where to start and what things are must-sees. I’ve only been abroad to the Middle East previously, and have never had the luxury of being able to visit so many countries in so little time so I feel as if I’ve been hit with the paralysis of choice. I’m in my early twenties (so I don’t have an insane amount of money), fit (no problems walking), and eager to do something a little crazy. My initial plan is to fly into Turkey and make my way back with some friends.

    1. What type of luggage should I pack? I have a rolled suitcase but should I buy a new big backpack? I pack pretty light but what if I want souvenirs?
    2. What are some must-see destinations in Europe? I’m a huge history nerd, but also really like nature.

    • Anne Shirley

      This is such a huge topic!

      1. I’d decide before you go whether you plan to be doing a lot of sightseeing with your stuff, going hostel to hostel, or more arriving in a new city, dropping a bag off, and hitting the town. Personally I find a backpack completely overwhelming, and have done decently well with a roller suitcase even on cobblestones.

      2. All of it. Really! It depends what you’re up for. I don’t do hot weather or sun, so in August I’d be thinking more Turkey – Prague (maybe by train?) up into Germany, Amsterdam, Paris, finishing in London (where there will be lots of flights home to New Zealand). Others might love a Mediterranean itinerary. Lots of people suggest spending more time in each place, but I think as long as you’re looking for a taste rather than an in depth experience, mixing it up on your first trip is a great way to figure out where to go back to. There are tons of great nature experiences (hiking the Sound of Music trail, Hadrian’s wall, Baltic coast travel etc), but honestly coming from New Zealand, most awesomeest nature ever, you might be better please by the history.

      Enjoy!

    • Moonstone

      I know it’s hopelessly old-fashioned, but consider picking up a recent edition of Rick Steves’ Europe Through the Back Door. He does a great job outlining what to think about as you plan your itinerary and I guarantee reading it will save you some making an expensive or time-consuming mistake. Because he’s all about frugality and making the most of your time, I think you will like his mindset. He has a great website, too.

      • Amy H.

        Seconding the recommendation for Rick Steves! And especially “Europe Through the Back Door” which is an introduction to his travel philosophy — how to see the real place and meet real people rather than being surrounded by other Americans or staying in big impersonal hotels and going to Starbucks every morning (i.e. very little different from life at home) — and his personal opinion of must-sees and don’t-bothers for nearly every country in Europe. It’s a terrific place to start.

  29. TCFKAG

    So…if anyone is interested. I have decided to try my hand at grown up blogging. Meaning, in essence, that I have started a non-tumblr blog. It will be a lot like my tumblr blog – except there will be more clothes and less Avengers and Tom Hiddleston (tragic I know). There will also be a forum for comments, which I would LOVE since its clearly still in Beta mode.

    Honestly, not entirely sure what I’ll do with it – probably a daily post based on a theme – probably vicarious shopping – and then just posting stuff I like. And maybe some Avengers jokes. Because I can’t help myself.

    Okay, enough awkward self-promo for one day. Hope you all have a good weekend and that this shelter in place ends soon. Apparently shelter in place means I get “productive.”

    • Susie

      Ah, now I know what TCFKAG means! I vicariously shop all the time – filling up my online cart but never completing the purchase.

      • TCFKAG

        Ah – for me vicarious shopping means when people submit a specific shopping request (I need a red dress for a wedding in x size and I want to spend this amount) and I give them a bunch of options to choose from. Helps me get my shopping jones out without spending any of my money.

    • roses

      Haha, when I went to your blog the first thing I saw was the picture of the Pendelton model and I didn’t read the post, so I though, “Wow, TCFKAG is so pretty, she should be a model!” :)

    • cbackson

      WAIT. There’s Avengers on your tumblr blog?

      Clearly I’m missing all the fun.

      • TCFKAG

        Probably more Avengers than is good for anyone’s health. Also Tom Hiddleston. And a fair amount of Matt Bomer.

      • TCFKAG

        Huh. Since I don’t know how that app/website works – I don’t know why that would be. Maybe someone else does? Sorry. It could be because the Weebly hosting format isn’t supported I guess…but that’s all I can think of.

  30. Divaliscious11

    Reports are that they got the guy in Boston… sleep well my fellow bay staters….

    • Anonymous

      Still early reports but it looks like they have the boat where he is hiding surrounded – I so hope so. I think the whole city, state, and maybe even the whole country would let out a breath.

    • Divaliscious11

      Looking for a more documentable source … I trust it, but still….

    • LH

      It looks like they have him in a boat surrounded but they are being very cautious. Boston Globe twitter reporting he is moving and the gas tank of the boat is full so they are still very concerned about risk to the all the police officers in the area. Hope this nightmare ends soon. Thinking of everyone in the Boston area.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        So freaking happy. Sleeping well tonight. I need to get back into Boston pronto and replace some bad memories with good memories!!

  31. Adoption

    Despite all the baby/fertility threads on here, I’ve never seen one on adoption. DH and I are considering adoption, and the information is overwhelming. I’m wondering if anyone has experiences with international adoption. Specifically which countries may be easier to work with, agencies with good reputations, etc. We are also considering local adoption. I would love to hear stories about your experience and advice. Do we need a lawyer? FWIW we’re in the Twin Cities.

    • Anonymous

      Sorry to go anon for this, I am planning on adopting for a variety of reasons (though likely not international) – the best thing I did was sitting down with a colleague who had adopted and just talking through with him all the steps, what they did, what it entailed, yada yada yada. An adoption agency could probably set you up with someone to do this with you.

      A very short answer on international agencies – you should absolutely have an independent attorney and should REALLY do your research about countries and agencies. There’s a lot of bad stuff that goes down out there. But I do think the best advice and guidance comes from locals who have gone through it.

    • anon

      No personal experience, but my father and his wife (half white, half asian, and white, respectively) adopted my sister from China about eight years ago. It took at least a year, maybe two or three. I know they looked at a lot of countries very carefully and determined that China was the best option for them. They were very concerned with being surprised with a child with undisclosed special needs in some of the Eastern Bloc countries, and very concerned with many children up for adoption in Central America not actually being orphans or abandoned. China’s international adoption system was the most reliable.

      China has changed its requirements since my sister was adopted, including that the parents have to be married for a certain amount of time, under a certain age, and shockingly, under a certain BMI or some such. My sister’s parents would not have qualified to adopt her under the current rules – too old and too overweight.

      My sister is wonderful, but be forewarned that your baby may be developmentally delayed mentally and physically because she received so little interaction from the orphanages who are simply understaffed even though they are doing their best. My sister’s orphanage wasn’t properly heated because there wasn’t enough money and the building was not in good repair, so in the cold months, they swaddled the babies under layers of blankets all day and night to keep them warm, but it also meant she was very behind on her motor skills when she arrived here. My father and his wife went to the orphanage to get her (on one week’s notice) and saw how loving the staff was, but there simply weren’t enough resources to care for all the girls. My sister’s motor skills caught up to her age group after a few years, but she’s still experiencing a lot of developmental challenges that her doctor thinks is due to insufficient interaction with adults for the first year of her life.

    • Sierra

      I’ve been looking into adoption . I can’t decide if I want to adopt first or have biological children first. I think an agency is helpful. One near me has info sessions regularly. I spent a lot of time online this week reading about different agencies. I think anonymous us right, ask someone who went through it for advice. There is a book I heard about recently called something like Instant Mom, written by the woman in My Big Fat Greek Wedding that sounds informative. I’m on the waitlist ate the library so haven’t read it yet. It might be about foster care adoptions..

  32. ICB review

    If anyone’s thinking of ordering from the ICB sample sale Kat posted about yesterday, I just got my order and can report back as follows:

    – stretch cotton suiting pant- these fit like they were made for me (and exactly like the sizing chart, yay!) – lowish rise – about 6″ will need to be lopped off the bottom but I’m used to that. The material is a bit evening-y; not sure I would wear to work b/c of the sheen and the fact that they’re pretty form-fitting.

    – wool melton cutaway jacket – this is beautiful with high-quality wool and it’s very warm. One thing I wish I’d noticed online is that the sleeves are super-long and capped with like a 7″ functional zipper. There’s a seam right above that so I’m hopeful it won’t be too expensive to shorten the sleeves at that point.

    – short-sleeve silk blouse – this was a bit of a miss. I had to order up as my usual size wasn’t available and it’s really blousy and no nicer than a similar style from Ann Taylor etc.

    All in all, very pleased and might go back and get those pants in the other color if it’s still available.

  33. Salt

    My firm is trying a new thing where all of the associates have to give a big presentation to the partnership about a topic of our choice (but hint that it needs to be publication quality and appeal to both lit and transactional partners).

    Ironically, assigning associates a ton of unbillable work is the solution to the firms complaints abut declining revenue……

    I literally have no idea. I work In labor and employmentbut have been doing general litigation too…. Any thoughts?!

    • Pippit

      Something about appealing to both transactional and litigation partners says “ethics” to me. Maybe something on conflicts or billing? It may not be exciting, but very practical.

    • SH

      Idea off the top of my head – Recently some of the ginormous tech companies in CA got in trouble for non-compete and no-hire agreements amongst themselves because it triggered the Sherman Act. This seems to be within the realm of labor and employment, transactional because it was all within the bi-lateral project contracts between the companies (but apparently no attorney ever saw it or took part in it, which adds an ethics layer for their in-house counsel…), and litigation because the companies had to defend themselves against the DOJ. There are various other issues that you could bring up too.

      “Do a presentation” seems like a strange assignment – do you know why your firm is doing this? Is it part of a big training initiative or something?

    • Scully

      I think Pippit is on to something re: ethics. How about referral fees?

      Throwing a few random ideas out there (P.S. I have very little employment law experience): updates on whistleblower laws, issues caused by the sequester, employee handbooks, unpaid/paid internship issues.

      Take a look at Law360 – maybe a current event will spark an idea. Discuss how a new ruling will affect litigation, and tie it into drafting? Are you allowed to work with a transactional associate on a dual presentation?

  34. Anonymous bridesmaid

    Looking to you ladies for some advice.

    I am a bridesmaid in a wedding for a friend from high school. None of us bridesmaids have much experience in being part of a bridal party. Several of us have expressed financial concerns to the bride to no avail. At this point, the bride has had an engagement party, two showers, and a destination bachelorette party. The bridesmaid dress was $275 before tax and expensive alterations.

    My point is that we’ve all spent at least $1000 on this wedding. Since I have to travel for the wedding as well, I have spent $1700.

    We now have just heard that we are expected to pay for hair the day of the wedding. The bride has already arranged for a stylist, it is mandatory, and it is $100 – no negotiation.

    I’m at a loss. Is this normal behavior? Is this typically expected? I assumed that if something was mandatory, like hair, the bride would pay.

    And if it’s n

    • Frugal doc..

      What a nightmare. This is not normal, and is completely unreasonable. But I have certainly heard of people doing this. None of my weddings were this bad…

      I have been in the wedding parties of multiple friends, and they NEVER made us pay for our hair. If they hire a professional stylist to come in, then they pay for it.

      I certainly hope you did not buy her a present. I would certainly try to back out of several of the activities.

    • Divaliscious11

      It isn’t abnormal, but it is inconsiderate and it sounds like she didn’t take her bridesmaids finances into consideration when making her plans… I do think she should have negotiated a flat rate for her wedding party for hair AND paid for it, if she wants it to be a girls/party thing

    • brant

      You have a few options.
      1. TALK to the bride. Have a heart to heart. Brides get so caught up in this hugely expensive event that money becomes sort of abstract (when you’re dropping 50k on the event, what’s a $100 hairdo?). Let her know you’re concerned about finances, and is there any way you can DIY your hair, or pick another hairdresser.

      In the future…
      1. Bachelorette parties are planned by the bridesmaids…so even if the bride said “i’d really like to go to X,” you all could have found a nice way to plan something more financially tolerable.
      2. set financial expectations early on with the bride, ask what will be expected of you before agreeing 100% to be a bridesmaid. Even if you know you’ll be on board, having the talk will help plant the seed for the bride.
      3. you don’t have to go to every engagement party/bridal shower thrown. It’s okay to attend just one. Give the bride plenty of notice. I had 4 bridesmaids, none came to my engagement party (was at my in-laws across the country–I had NO expectation that they’d come- my parents were the only ones on my side that attended!). Three of the four came to my shower (hosted by my MIL and bridesmaids–one was out of the country and did all the planning but couldn’t attend.) A different 3/4 came to my bachelorette because one couldn’t make it b/c of work. They invited lots of other ladies and we all had a great time…and I felt badly that my bridesmaid did all the planning and had none of the fun, but I wasn’t insulted.

  35. Anonymous bridesmaid

    iPhone posted before I was done!

    Just wanted to know if anyone had any advice for how to handle the situation if this is not a normal bridesmaid expense.

    • Anonymous bridesmaid

      Original comment in moderation – apologies if this turns out to be a double post.

      Looking to you ladies for some advice.

      I am a bridesmaid in a wedding for a friend from high school. None of us bridesmaids have much experience in being part of a bridal party. Several of us have expressed financial concerns to the bride to no avail. At this point, the bride has had an engagement party, two showers, and a destination bachelor3tt3. party. The bridesmaid dress was $275 before tax and expensive alterations.

      My point is that we’ve all spent at least $1000 on this wedding. Since I have to travel for the wedding as well, I have spent $1700.

      We now have just heard that we are expected to pay for hair the day of the wedding. The bride has already arranged for a stylist, it is mandatory, and it is $100 – no negotiation.

      I’m at a loss. Is this normal behavior? Is this typically expected? I assumed that if something was mandatory, like hair, the bride would pay.

      Is there anything we can do about this?

      • Bloom

        These costs seem really high and unreasonable to me. I’ve been in 4 weddings in the last five years, only one required a flight, and without the cost of travel didn’t spend over $500 total (dress/hair/showers/bach party/shoes) for any of them. This might vary depending on your region, I am in the Midwest. Unfortunately, I think it also varies depending on the personality of the bride. While technically I don’t think its required that the bride covers any of the dress or hair costs, most of my friends chose reasonably priced dresses and covered either the cost of the dress, the cost of the hair, or partial costs of either, and only had one shower that the bridesmaids attended. It sounds like your friend went overboard and failed to think about the effect on her wedding party. I’m sorry you’re in this situation! I’m not sure what you could do at this point since its sounds like the wedding is happening fairly soon. If you’ve already talked to her about the costs and she hasn’t been responsive, you may just be stuck.

      • LH

        Not normal. $275 is high for the dress but not unheard of. But requiring you to have you hair done and not paying for it is very tacky. I’ve always thought the bride covers hair if its important (I paid hair styling for my ‘maids but it wasn’t mandatory – just part of their bridesmaid gift if they wanted it done, which they all did). I’d put your foot down (especially if other maids agree) and say you can’t afford the hair costs. $1700 is a lot to be in a wedding, even a long distance one. It sounds like it may be moot now, but just decline any future invites to showers/bachelor parties. She’s had more than enough and if she’s having this many I doubt the focus is in the people attending.

      • AIMS

        This seems unreasonable, if for no other reason than the fact that the bride is being completely unresponsive and inconsiderate about the situation. It sounds like you’re all young (based on this being a new experience) and that’s even more reason to be considerate of people’s finances. I’m not sure what you can do at this point, short of staging a mass boycott and I don’t think that’s a good plan this close to the big day. I’d say you could skip a gift if nothing else. Just write her a nice note about how happy you are for her and how much you enjoyed being part of the process with her.
        I suppose the other alternative would be to find a cheaper hairdresser you could go to and ask if that would be okay, but the savings would be negligible (I think) and the conflict high. I don’t think it’s the $100 you’re upset about so much as the $100 on top of everything else.

        • AIMS

          LH has a good point though. Maybe you could get together with the other bridesmaids and say something like, “we’ve spent a ton on this wedding already and much as we are excited to be involved, we’re really not excited to spend another $100 just on our hair. Is it okay if we opt out?” Then it’s on her to have to say, “no, it’s not okay,” which hopefully she will realize she cannot say without sounding like a giant jerk. So she will either have to say yes, it’s okay or will be gracious enough to say, “you know what, you guys, I want to do this but it’s my treat.”

          • Sierra

            Ugh this is an unpleasant position to be in. You have my sympathy. I was in a similar situation 2 summers ago. Like you I spent a lot of money on the dress (and it was an icky dress). Thankfully the bride had planned everything in advance so I was able to just opt out of the destination bachelorette/shower parties. I still spent way too much money (over $1000) on her wedding (and I couldn’t even understand why she was marrying the guy). The other bridesmaids had their hair done (at their expense). I just told my friend I couldn’t afford it. I didn’t get them a gift, just a card. I was the first of my friends to get married and I bought their dresses for them ($50 a pop on ebay) and put them up in hotels and didn’t have any engagement parties, showers, or bachelorette party. I wish she had returned the same courtesy. I think the trick to learn from this is when someone asks you to a bridesmaid, you have to ask what it will entail. ugh it just sucks how some brides think the world revolves around them.

            Is her plan that you all go to a salon together to have hair done? Is someone coming to a prep-location to do it for you? I think it’s useful to find out her motivations – is it that she wants everyone’s hair a particular way or just to be perfect, or is it to have that bonding time getting ready together. If it’s bonding time, maybe you can figure out a way to get your hair done first (somewhere cheaper, or just do it yourself) and just hang out while she gets her hair done. If it’s the perfect hair, see if you can find out ahead of time how she wants it to look and practice it and see if you can convince her that you can manage it yourself.

            Definitely do what AIMS suggested – skip the gift, write a nice note.
            good luck!

          • Anonymous bridesmaid

            These are all really great suggestions.

            AIMS, you are right. The real issue is not the $100 at the end, it is the total cost of the wedding thus far. I can make room in my budget for it, I just don’t really think it’s fair. Several of the other bridesmaids, however, cannot afford it and will have to dip into savings or ask for a loan from their parents. Not a great situation.

            I have tried to broach the subject with the bride. I offered to look into cheaper alternatives if she is insistent on us having professional hair. I found an option for half price, but the bride says she would be crushed if we d0 not all get ready together. She said that it shouldn’t be too much to ask, since we do not have to pay for our bouquets or wedding day transportation (she has a bus taking us from the ceremony to the reception). I had never considered those would be costs for us anyway, so it doesn’t seem like a great deal.

            She has not been very nice to us in her communications about this, and for a few of the bridesmaids who have said this entire time they cannot afford the bride’s choices, the professional hair will be a real burden on them.

            At this point, I think we’re stuck. She knows how we feel, how it is a real burden, and does not seem to care. Obviously this has been a very negative experience, so the best I can hope for is to learn from it and never say yes to being a bridesmaid if it’s not a close friend!

          • Sydney Bristow

            She thinks its reasonable since you don’t have to pay for your bouquets? I’ve never heard of a bridesmaid paying for their bouquet.

            I think you should just tell her that you can’t afford anything else and if she would rather have you all get ready together, meaning you go hang out with her while she gets her hair done, or split up while you get your hair done at the cheaper place if you’re willing to do that.

            It’s absurd that she expects you all to spend so much that you’d actually have to borrow money in order to afford it. I’d probably try to put my foot down, but I know it is always a delicate situation.

            I’m officially grateful to every friend I’ve been a bridesmaid for since they never expected us to spend that much. I have paid for my own hair before, but the bride let me and her other bridesmaid stay at her place since we both had to travel for the wedding, the dress was under $200, shoes were cheap, etc.

          • darjeeling

            oh gee, you don’t have to pay for your bouquet, what a savings! I’m not good at being assertive in awkward situations but this is f-ing infuriating behavior on her part.

            I would skip the hair 100% and if she is “crushed” that you guys don’t all get ready together, she would always have the option of getting ready together somewhere else after she has her hair done (which is how every wedding I’ve been in was handled). Although, I would be tempted to tell her that you don’t feel like spending more time with her than necessary b/c of the way she is treating everyone. Ugh!

          • TCFKAG

            Sorry – really late – but she thinks that paying for bouquets or transport is part of ‘maidly costs? Is she perhaps insane? My goal, quite frankly, was that my bridesmaids didn’t spend any money other than their hotels once they got to the wedding location the weekend of the wedding (including hair – my mother bless her heart – covered it.) I’ve been at weddings where a couple of the bridesmaids didn’t participate in hair and they came to the hair place and just didn’t get their hair done (they did it themselves in the morning before or after). Seriously, she can’t tie people down and they shouldn’t have to dip into savings.

            Someone needs to have a come to god moment with her and the people who really can’t afford it need to be able to opt out. That’s absurd.

          • Flying Squirrel

            This may sound like a harsh way to go, but frankly, you’re friend is not being much of a friend right now. Since it’s several of you, maybe you get together and say, “Look, we can’t afford this. If it’s important to you that all BMs pay to get hair done [or insert other cost here], we will have to back out of being in your wedding. We’re all really happy for you and look forward to sharing your day with you. We will be standing up next to you in spirit, but we simply can’t afford all of the expenses you’ve asked of us.” This allows her to choose whether it’s more important to have you stand up next to her or to have everyone look identical. And honestly, don’t judge her too harshly if she decides on the latter. It’s pretty foreign to me to want that (I found a reasonably priced line of dresses in a color that worked and let the BM’s pick whatever style they felt looked best on them), but weddings do all kinds of weird things to you. She may really care about what her pictures look like. The advantage of this approach is that it reassures her that you still care about her, and it gives her the option of considering and choosing what matters to her most.

            And for the record, the idea that not paying for your transport or bouquets is a cost-savings is, as TCFKAG says, insane!! These costs sound close to twice what I’ve paid for the most expensive weddings I’ve been in. Really, all I’ve ever paid for is dress, hotel, flight, and bachelorette party (usually costed to ensure no BM felt undue hardship, though often a little spendy). If hair was mandatory, the bride paid (incl. tip). And every bride I’ve been BM to has reached out separately saying to let her know if there was anything that was too difficult, and how can she help.

          • Flying Squirrel

            You know, in a situation where you’ve let the bride know how you feel and she doesn’t care, it may make sense to simply back out (esp. if there are several of you who feel this way). The bride is choosing a certain look over the people she supposedly most wants to stand up with her on her special day, and that’s her prerogative, I guess. But no one should have to take a loan out to be in someone’s wedding…that’s outrageous!! You can say it in a nice way…that you really want to share her special day but you simply don’t have the resources to stand up next to her in the manner she’d like. And it’ll force her to decide what’s most important to her. She may choose the uniform look…and I would only say don’t judge her too harshly forever for that, weddings make people crazy. My sister went nearly insane, and I did everything in my power to be the opposite of her when I was a bride. But in retrospect, my sister now acknowledges her bad behavior (though she wouldn’t hear it at the time).

            Backing out of being a BM now may seem like you’re being unfair to her, but she’s being unfair to you. And it is never reasonable to ask someone take a loan or dip into savings to be a part of your major life event.

      • maribel

        Is there someone else you can appeal to, such as her mother or the groom? She is out of control, and someone is bound to get the resentment get the better of her on the wedding day. If you were being selfish, would you rather your friends tell you BEFORE the wedding, or would you want to spend the next ten years wondering why none of your bridesmaids don’t talk to you anymore? If you are a good enough friend to spend 1700 dollars on her, be good enough to tell her to her face that she is wrong.

        • brant

          Agree. Talk with the maid of honor. In my wedding, my MOH ended up talking to me when between my 4 bridesmaids, they couldn’t come up with 2 weekends that everyone could make it for the shower and bachelorette. Everyone was apparently FREAKING OUT and my MOH finally “had to break the news.” I just told them whatever they wanted to do was fine, and why not pick a weekend where almost everyone could make it for each…one BM had to miss the shower, one had to miss the bachelorette …that was fine with me.

      • big dipper

        Chiming in although you go great advice already. It does sound like your young and this is one of your first weddings. I’ve see this situation happen to almost all of my friends recently (our wedding boom is just beginning).

        I think that when the first, or one of the first, to get married has a moretraditional wedding, it”s likely dictated by what your mom/grandmother did, and it gets expensive for the bridal party. The brides I know who did this to their guests honestly did not realize that expecting their bridesmaids (most of whom who are poor grad students) to shell out $1500-$2,000 for the wedding was not the norm anymore, or considerate.

        That being said…when the bridesmaids brought it to their attention, they listened. They made adjustments so they weren’t putting their bridesmaids out because honestly…bridesmaids are more than bridesmaids – they’re friends! You should be respectful of what your friends situations are at all times; becoming a bride doesn’t mean you get to stop thinking about your friends needs.

        It sounds like getting ready together is really important to her. I think Sierra’s advice above was great – you should suggest either (a) a cheaper salon where you can all get ready together (b) getting ready together at someone’s home and self styling or (c) if it’s important to be together at that salon, ask her to subsidize the cost in some way.

      • Anonymous bridesmaid

        Thank you for the advice. I wanted to make sure it was appropriate to suggest other options and start this discussion. All the bridesmaids felt the same way, and we addressed it with her. We offered several options that would help alleviate the cost for us.

        It did not go well. She is upset and hurt we even suggested that she subsidize the cost of the hair appointment. She’s taking time to consider the other options. She also suggested that we could return our gifts she’s getting us if we really need the extra $50.

        I don’t think we’re dealing with the same friend who asked us to be her bridesmaids forever ago. It seems like she cares more about perfect pictures than her friends. Thank you for the comments about not resenting her in the long run. Having never been through it before, it’s a little scary to see how something that is supposed to be a celebration of love, family, and friends can turn into something so negative.

        At this point, we’re just hoping we get through the day and move on from this. So unpleasant.

        • Sydney Bristow

          Ugh, I’m sorry it didn’t go well. Maybe during the time she takes looking into other options she will take some time for a little self-reflection. Suggesting you return gifts to have that cash just adds to this weirdness. It really sounds like she has changed through the course of the wedding planning and hopefully she returns to her normal self if you want to continue a relationship after the wedding.

          Remember that you and the other bridesmaids are also totally justified in feeling hurt and upset by her actions and utter disregard for your needs during all of this. Hopefully the wedding is really soon so you can all move forward!

        • brant

          ” She also suggested that we could return our gifts she’s getting us if we really need the extra $50.” Seriously? Wow.

          At this point, if she’s that difficult, maybe you can put an end to this and say, “if the hair is that important to you, I’d love it if that was my thank-you gift as this really is a burden to me.” I’d rather have $50 than a monogrammed tote bag or whatever she’s planning to buy, after this whole ordeal!

        • gov anon

          I’ll I can say to the whole thing is WOW! Personally, I think she’s being unreasonable. But I say this as the only person in the history of weddings who was “fired” as a bridesmaid because I wasn’t willing to meet Bridezilla’s unreasonable demands. And, yes, the friendship did not survive the wedding.

        • Olivia Pope

          I’m late to this thread. But honestly, I would never treat my friends this way. If one of my friend treated me this way, I would re-evaluate the entire friendship.

  36. Dulcinea

    Just want to let all of you know that almost 2 years after graduation, I finally have a real, salaried, attorney job in the field I want to practice in, almost (but not quite) in the geographic area I want to live in! It’s a temporary position but it’s funded for at least 2 years. It’s so hard to believe…. I keep looking at my email and reminding myself that, no, in fact, I do NOT have to read the new job posting alerts from the 3 different sites I am subscribed to…

    Thank you all so much for the wonderful community of support and advice on job searching and interview prep.

    To the rest of my comrades still slogging along out there, take heart, and also, keep networking: I am almost certain I got this job on the strength of my references, most of whom I know through networking/volunteering.

    To anyone thinking of enrolling in law school, please take this as a cautionary tale. IE, it worked out for me eventually but my finances are a disaster. I first worked as a contract attorney for a terrible jerkface boss earning barely enough to pay my bills while living with family, I had to pawn my violin and some jewelry, I had some generous support from loved ones, and I had to take a PT job as a telemarketer to get by for the last few months. It’s been a rough couple years.

  37. anon

    Wondering if any of you have experienced post-wedding anger? I’ve been googling to see if this is a thing, but no one seems to write about it. I got married a few weeks ago, and I adore my new husband. We’re happy. The wedding was an amazing day.

    But my family is driving me absolutely insane now. They are very religious and were thrilled that he was “finally making an honest woman out of me.” They are now being super-coy asking about married life all the time. My life is the same. We were very committed and very in love, and we ARE very committed and very in love. Just because it’s suddenly legitimate” to them doesn’t change things for me. I’m still exhausted by our pre-wedding fights (they were very demanding about the guest list, but weren’t able to help pay…so things got tense) and increasingly annoyed by their phone calls. Anyone else experience this?

    • Belle et Rebelle

      Ugh – that does sound really annoying. I haven’t had that experience, but there’s nothing like wedding planning to bring out family tensions. It’s understandable that you’d still be burned out from that and have low tolerance for the coy inquiries now.

      I think I’d just answer as boringly as possible and then change the subject. “It’s great, thanks. We’re very happy. Hey, did you see that new show last night?” Rinse and repeat. Eventually they’ll lose interest when they see they’re not going to get anything juicy out of you. At least I hope so.

    • Anne Shirley

      I’m not sure that’s “post-wedding anger” so much as your family being really annoying. Can you just not answer? After all, they’re the ones who seem to think you’re on a perpetual newly-wed lady garden party filled romp, and it’s sure mighty hard to hear a phone in the middle of a party. I’d be tempted to explain any failures to answer with “oh we were busy gardening” just for my own amusement.

    • AIMS

      I agree that your family is just being annoying. Depending on how annoying they are being though I might retort with something like, “oh married life is same as unmarried life, I’m just glad he still wanted to marry me after all the free milk he got in the last 6 years!”

    • goldribbons

      This is horrible. JSFAMO if you can. Ignore their calls/emails/etc. I’ve set up a filter on my email so my family emails skip my inbox and I check if and when I feel like it. I don’t think this is any special post-wedding feeling; I think this is just having very rude family members. Good luck and congratulations on your marriage!

      • OP

        Times like these, I wish there was a like button on corpor****. Thanks to all you ladies for the helpful perspective. And for making me laugh.

  38. business student

    Hi! I have a summer internship at a formal office. I didn’t see any women, but the men I met were wearing dress pants and button down shirts, n0 ties but I don’t know if they had suit jackets with them something. What does that translate to for women? Is it just a dress pant and a nice shirt?

    Thanks!

    This is a finance internship, if that makes a difference.

    • TCFKAG

      I’d say that generally slacks and button downs for men would translate to “business casual” for women – meaning that you should trend towards pencil skirts with blouses or shells and cardigans or non-suit blazers, pants and button downs also work. Basically anything that’s not a suit but is still business appropriate is going to work.

      Given that its finance though, I’d trend to the more formal – so I’d avoid more casual dresses or open-toed shoes (at least at first). For the first week or so stick with the outfits you’re most comfortable with and see what other women in the position you’re aspiring to wear.

      • AnnonFoo

        Agree with TCFKAG, I work in a similar finance job with business casual dress code.
        There are very dew women in our office in non-admin non-HR positions, it is best to stick to more conservative side. Pencil skirts of decent length or dress pants, not too skin tight with dress shirts or nice blouses is what I usually wear. I tend to avoid sleevless as it looks less formal and shows too much skin, will often wear them with a non-matching/different color blazer or a well shaped cardigan. I never have to wear full suits. For shoes, best to stick to pumps and closed toe shoes. In my office, there are no women in higher positions (or even at the next level from me), so I don’t have much of a role model to follow, this blog has been a savior.

  40. AltaLitGirl

    Hi ladies,

    A late weekend TJ here:

    My bf travels quite a bit internationally for work (he’s in Siberia right now) and I’m finding it technologically challenging to stay in touch with him due to the time difference. We can email back and forth just fine, but email doesn’t really cut it when he’s gone for 2+ weeks at a time. We also live together and own 2 cats together, so in addition to wanting to see his face and get caught up on what’s going on with him, it’s also necessary to get caught up on some of the mundane/necessary things he’s missing (e.g. A had a vet appointment this week, here are the results, etc.).

    We’ve tried Skype and Google+ Hangout for face-to-face chats when he’s been in places where the time difference isn’t so big, but being on a 12 hour time difference makes it difficult because we both have to get up and going first thing in the morning and he’s usually ready for bed after a 12-14 hour day and can’t seem to stay up.

    Does anyone know of any video messaging services online? I feel like it would be the happy medium between a boring, drawn out email and real time face-to-face interaction. I can obviously Google sites/software/apps options, but I wanted to see if anyone has any experience or recommendation of sites/software to use for video messages before I accidentally infect my computer.

    TIA!

    • AIMS

      Do you an iphone? There’s a skype app. It won’t make the time difference better but at least you’ll have more flexibility as to when you can talk to him.

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