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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 170 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Comments

      • Iknowshesatroll

        Ellen, it is indeed possible for a man to be raped by a woman.

        Also, I think you should have a conversation with your dad – from reading all your posts, he treats you really badly. You’re a strong, smart, powerful woman. Don’t put up with men objectifying and demeaning you.

      • Wordy

        Seriously, Kat? I know she’s a troll but allowing “Ellen” to comment on this given that we get put into moderation for s!te is ridiculous. It trivializes a important issue – more important than your protecting your copyright or your link revenue or whatever.

        • Pesh

          This +1,000. The problem is, I don’t think Kat reads the comments or the comments section (or at least it feels that way, since she doesn’t respond to comments). Not trying to be snarky, but I think it’s a huge mistake on her part. Not only because it would be great for her to be more engaged with us, but since her content is aimed at us, our comments about products we’re looking for, opinions on brands, social issues, workplace dilemmas etc, should guide her editorial planning.

        • Pesh

          Just posted a reply which is stuck in moderation for who knows what. But Ellen’s ignorant, awful comments made it through for all to see. Ugh.

    • Lyssa

      Awful. The author and the folks that greenlighted this story at RS should really be ashamed of themselves. They’ve caused an enormous amount of damage to current and future victims.

      • cbackson

        It’s so upsetting. Especially because I think there were likely other stories they could have told – they probably just didn’t come with details that were sensational in the way that story was.

      • anon

        +1000. Have to say, I had serious doubts about the story when I read it in RS. It just seemed way too over-the-top. I found it especially hard to believe that the woman’s friends would discourage her from reporting something *so* violent and awful. That did not ring true.

    • mascot

      It’s awful. I wish that they would call attention to the fact that false reports are pretty rare. Even if there are some inconsistencies in this story, sexual assault is a very real problem on campuses and we have a long way to go fixing the issues.

      • rin

        To be fair every article I’ve read has said this- wash post, slate, and yahoo I think. Theyve had quotes from advocates saying that. But yes its very bad- for victims and the frat.

        • Baconpancakes

          Most likely, she was raped or assaulted, but she exaggerated the story to make it sound even worse. Either that, or the story happened to someone else, and she claimed it as her own.

    • kc

      Yes I’m shocked and disappointed. No matter what the truth is behind HER story, at least it brought the issue to light and hopefully caused some change. I feel that she was probably assaulted but the details are hazy (i.e. she told someone before it was 5 guys and now it’s 7). The only thing that made me suspicious in her story is that she said she was bloodied and beaten after her assault and her friends who came to get her were very nonchalant about the whole thing. Like if I had blood running down my legs and had been punched in the face, I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t push me to go to a hospital.

      • rin

        She also said it was on a date that there is no record of a party, and she said the guy worked at the lifeguard and none of the guys at that frat did. The post found that almost nothing in her story added up unfotunately.

        • ALN

          Those details don’t bother me. When I was in a sorority, I went over to frats just to ‘hang out’ and drink pretty often. Frats don’t need official mixers or parties in order to invite people to come hang out. Furthermore, in my experience, frats were more lenient than sororities about who could live in the house. Say a guy is still finishing up a few credits but has already become an alumni technically. Or a guy who falls behind on dues for a semester. He wouldn’t be on the roster officially but could still live in.

      • Brunchaholic

        I tend to agree with you that there is either a mixture of truth and exaggeration in the story or she was genuinely confused about some aspects of what happened.

        I will say that victims of sexual assault are often times confused about certain specifics about the events, but this confusion is used by institutions of power to pressure young women out of reporting. (“So which was it? Was it 5 or 7 guys? You don’t know? Then how do we know you even know what happened? Can you be sure about anything you’re even telling us?”) It’s quite possible that this was a case of a young woman feeling the need to assert certain facts with more confidence than she perhaps had about their accuracy in order to be believed. And that in and of itself is a tragedy entirely separate from her assault.

        When I read the article after my first thought of shock of the brutality the very next thought that I had was that it was very odd that she remembered everything with so. much. clarity. So many victims black out or repress these types of memories.

      • Sacha

        I’ll probably be villified for this, but I have to admit that when facts like this come out, my suspicion is that the person fabricated a story (or perhaps adopted certain facts of another story, perhaps more than one, such as the name of a fraternity where she’s heard women are assaulted but never suffers consequences) for the purpose of bringing attention to something she sees to be a problem, but never happened to her. She’s a true believer, feels the real victims aren’t attracting enough attention, so feels it is okay to craft a story and get that attention. Since all the names are fictitious, there are no repercussions, really. And the ends justify the means. But I think the outcome is pure damage. I totally disagree with the conclusion that “at least it brought the issue to light and hopefully caused some change.” This story reeks of Tawana Brawley-style activism, and I see nothing but negative consequence here. (Clearly I don’t know the truth, and I don’t know whether to hope I’m wrong, or hope that I’m right and this woman was never victimized.)

        • Anonymous

          I’m not vilifying you. I’m a criminal defense attorney. My default is to *really* examine any accusation with respect to any crime. Believe me, I know sexual assault on campuses is real and is a problem. A close friend of mine was assaulted and nearly raped in college. I get it. But when I read that RS story, my hackles immediately went up. A brutal gang rape, falling into a glass table, significant bleeding, and her friends tell her to shake it off? I don’t think so. I posted a very mild comment questioning the story on NY Mag when it first came out and was immediately vilified as a rape apologist. We HAVE to be able to talk about these things without doing that to each other. On a broader level, that includes having the conversation that girls should be aware of what and how much they are drinking in college. (I know “Jackie” claims she was sober – but most of these encounters involve mutual drunkenness.)

          I’m concerned that this backpedaling on the UVA story will damage everyone – victims, yes, but also colleges and the accused, who have a right to due process that is all too lacking in the kangaroo “court” proceedings presided over by random faculty members.

          Sorry for the slight tangent. This is a big issue for me.

          • Brunchaholic

            Thank you for posting this. That is such an important point, and you’re in a unique position to bring attention to it.

            Although I think the “why can’t we just have an open dialogue without the fear of being politically correct?” mantra 90% of the time is used to defend openly bigoted or hurtful remarks, this seems to be a situation that falls squarely into that arena.

            The issue of the RS article reading more like UVA take down piece rather than an honest investigation shouldn’t be ignored. The court of public opinion has so much power and is ripe for abuse.

  3. mmm

    What good guy/husband/father/father-in-law/brother gifts have y’all come up with so far this year?

    • Marie

      My brother asked for fashionable ties and socks–he feels guilty spending money on cute accessories with personality when he’s building a basic professional wardrobe (does that sound familiar to anyone else? hehe). On recommendation from ladies here I also looked into getting him a thermapen meat thermometer (maybe next year). Got my dad a nice pair of bluetooth headphones for when he works out. My friend got her dad a nice shaving set.

      For my SO–we’re moving in together next year, so we decided to postpone gifts for each other this year because we’re going to want to set up our house soon. Would have gotten him some kind of quadcopter kit.

      • Contracts

        I don’t know if it’s the exact Thermapin brand, but I love love love ours for cooking. Good choice.

    • mascot

      Interested to see some ideas. So far husband is getting a hard cider brewing kit. Not sure we are doing big gifts this year. In years past, I’ve given him a Birchbox subscription and a wine club subscription.

    • Anon

      Husband likes his two seater car and road trips so I found a couple of good books on local “back roads” trips (Bay Area) and will give those to him along with an overnight bag and a promise to go with him sans kids on a couple of overnighters.

    • anon

      Got a pair of studio-quality headphones and a mini-amp for his electric guitar so he can play whenever he wants.

    • Carrie..

      Chromecast
      Year subscription to AmazonPrime
      Timbuk2 messenger bags for the bikers
      Weather stations
      23andMe test kit

      Experience gift certificates whenever possible that benefit the family/couple/person.

      Examples… Gift certificate to the Symphony, Zoo membership, gift certificate to the 2nd City comedy club, season tix to a local experimental theater, gift card to a cool restaurant, cooking class. And then I enclose the season performance schedule or a class schedule or a menu etc..

      For the fastidious ones… Homemade “kits”:

      Shoe shine/care kits (polish, brushes/cloths, suede brush, waterproofing sprays – and an instruction “manual” that I write out)

      Clothes care kits (handwashing soap, small electric depiller, little sewing kit, anti-static spray, lint brush – and a list of recs I write out for keeping clothes lasting a long time)

      Car emergency kit – just buy the Costco one and call it a day

      • SoCalAtty

        Second City! If they are there when you are available, I recommend Susan Messing. She is amazing. Just…amazing!

    • N.C. anon

      Stuck in moderation.

      My husband has an aging sound system that is on virtually all of the time. All of our media use it. I have been slowly replacing it a little at a time. Last year I bought a new subwoofer that was a step up from the old one (that was working only a fraction of the time). This year he’s getting a new tuner.

      He’s also a fan of Studio Ghibli in particular, so I’ve gotten him the deluxe Japanese manga of his favorite movie, as well as a vinyl import soundtrack from the film (he loves scores too), and blu-rays.

      Other recent gifts that seemed to go over well: Legos; a “signed” vinyl record (I knew they wanted the album, but I quite clearly forged the signatures of the band members; it was an in-joke as the recipient had gotten actual signed CDs for us that year); prints of concert posters (find artists and their pages at gigposters.com); The World of Ice and Fire book; sheet music to a favorite song; stand-up comedy tickets

      Gifts I like but haven’t figured out a recipient: dancing Groot figure from Guardians of the Galaxy; the My Cuppa Coffee Mug on Amazon

      • Baconpancakes

        I would take the dancing Groot, if you’re looking to buy it for someone.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          Same. I think there may be multiple dancing Groots given among my friends this year.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Dad’s getting a Starbucks gift card and perhaps a nice travel coffee mug because “I really don’t need anything, don’t get me anything, no seriously.”

      Brother will probably get some albums. He commandeered our parents’ old turntable a few years back and really likes records. (and it’s apparently a trend now because current bands are releasing new stuff on vinyl).

      BF and I are probably getting a pair of kittens for ourselves :-)

    • kc

      Getting my dad some fancy Kebab skewers from Williams Sanoma (they eat kebabs like once a week in the summer and he already has nice grille tools). Getting my husband a sweater from jcrew, an llbean toiletry bag cause he travels.

    • SH

      I’m getting my SO a Roomba so that he stops suggesting/threatening to shave the cat.

      • AnonZee

        My husband regularly shaves the cat in the summer. It definitely looks weird at first but helps cut down on fur balls and doesn’t seem to phase her

      • KittyKat

        I came home to a shaved cat one day, hubs didn’t ask and thought it was funny. After all the stress of work seeing my poor fluffy not fluffy almost made me cry.

      • SH

        I would be down with the shaving if kitty had long hair and was fluffy, and it wasn’t well-kept, and it was the summer. But kitty is a short-hair with no mats, and so no real reason to shave her, especially in the winter. SO just does it to vent for seeing kitty tumbleweeds, but he’s done it for long enough for me to grow from not listening to it to really not liking the comments.

        When I tell him that he can work the vacuum cleaner just as well as I can, he pouts and moves onto the kitty litter that’s all over the apartment. I’ve made it a condition of him keeping the Roomba that he can no longer threaten to shave the cat or complain about the kitty litter outside of the litter box. :-D

    • Away Game

      This site last year recommended the worldwideweb mancrates dot com, and my husband actually saved the link I sent him and dug it out when I asked what we were giving his brother. So now we have various crates and jerkygrams heading to siblings and dads and FILs and assorted other male relatives.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Fancy salt sets. I like the smoked salt one but there are so many cool ones.

    • LilyStudent

      Personalised leather wallet from an Etsy store with his initials embossed in.

    • oil in houston

      a subscription to craft beer being delivered every other month to the house (I figured 12 beers every 2 months was enough!)

  5. Anon

    I posted my PSA after the first page this morning so I will repeat it

    18% off at Kojima Pearl with coupon code PEARLPRESENCE2014

    No affiliation, just a happy customer.

    I recall one or more of you ladies looking for pearls.

  6. K

    TJ – Holiday gift giving question – I was transfered from one assistant (“former assistant”) to another (“new assistant”) on 11/17. I traditionally give a monetary gift to my assistant for the holidays. Do I still give a gift to the former assistant or only the new assistant? How should I split the total amount? That is, for the sake of ease of numbers only, if I’d typically give $100, do I split $50/$50, $85/$15, token gift to former assistant and money to new assistant?

      • ac

        I approve, plus a nice note of thanks to former assistant letter her know that you appreciate all of her assistance and will miss working with her (if that’s true — toned down to be gracious, grateful & truthful if needed)

    • Anonymous

      I think you should probably give them both the normal amount (or close to it). Old assistant supported you all year and deserves to be recognized and you need to build goodwill w/the new assistant.

      • Senior Attorney

        +1 Don’t split it — take the hit and give the full amount to both.

      • Anon

        I disagree. Give the old assistant $100 and thank her for everything she’s done throughout the year. I wouldn’t get the new assistant anything except maybe take her out to lunch. Working together for a month doesn’t warrant a $100 gift, especially if it’s actually just a bribe to build goodwill.

    • Monte

      Definitely give the full amount to the old assistant. I wouldn’t take the new assistant out to lunch, because that seems more like torturing your assistant than giving a gift, but I would do a cash/gift card present to the new person you just started working with. Same amount as the old assistant isn’t necessary, particularly if it is a lot and/or a stretch for you, but I would acknowledge the start of the new relationship and work over the last five or six weeks with something.

  7. Anon for this

    Any tips for interviewing via “telepresence”? I’m on round three for an IH job I desperately want and this last interview is with the GC of the whole company (which is enormous, multinational, household name co). Also, I have no idea what the salary range is yet and really no grasp on market. It would be a senior counsel role at a $10Bish sub in a HCOL area of a $70Bish company that is still growing. I’m an 07 grad currently in BigLaw. Any ideas on market for just base salary?

    • Anon

      I think you’ll have to say where you are for people to answer that. SF is different from NY, LA, Chicago, etc.

        • SoCalAtty

          Take a look at the Robert Half Legal salary guide – there is a section for in-house counsel by company size, and has an adjustment for region. That should get you pretty close.

          • Anon for this

            Yes, that is helpful but the range is huge. It is about $80K from top to bottom.

    • West Coast

      Telepresence systems are great! Not sure if you have used before, but they feel very natural.

      One thing to note is that if the meeting is scheduled to end at 2pm, the system cuts off at 2pm sharp. Because of that, I would make sure that you have an eye on the clock and leave enough time at the end to verify the timeline for the decision, reaffirm your interest in the position, thank them for their time, etc so that you are not cut off.

  8. SuziStockbroker

    Reposting from an earlier thread (thanks WildKitten for your reply) since I posted in the wrong thread.

    So, my youngest is in school full time now, and so we no longer really need a full time nanny. Last year when he was at school half days, we kept her on full time and she would do some light housework/kid laundry/make kid lunches for the next day during the 3 hours he was gone. She doesn’t cook, and she’s not much of a cleaner but she loves my little guy, although I suspect she lets him watch a lotta TV.
    I would describe her as on the low end of satisfactory.
    This year, knowing he would be full days, she approached me and asked me if she could continue working for us, part time. She lined up a morning job (which fell through) with a neighbour, and then an overnight weekend job. I extended the hours I was orginally thinking of when she approched me, to 1-6 pm.
    Kids get home at 4 so, again, she has 3 hours a day when there is no one in the house. I told her she could toggle her hours since she works elsewhere overnights Thursday through Sunday, by coming later on Fridays and Mondays and earlier during the middle of the week, when she is more rested.
    She said she is already doing that.
    We’ve been home unexpectedly a few days recently (sick kids or home with contractors, our basement flooded this week and our hot water tank died the week before) and she’s not been coming “early” mid week. Could possibly be making up the hours somewhere, but I kind of doubt it. My husband is fairly upset about this. He feels taken advantage of. I see his point but I’m also sort of “you feel taken advantage of by the woman we pay $13 an hour to look after our kids”?
    She is quitting the overnight 24-hour coffeeshop job and getting an early shift fast food restaurant job.
    There is no way she can get here for 1 pm, says she can be here at 2:30 (doubtful, I think it will be morel ike 3:15 when I figure out the commute). Part of me feel churlish for adjusting her pay, to 2:30-6 (and likely sh e won’t start until 3 at the earliest). We can afford to keep paying what we are paying her.
    Also, if she can’t clean the house adequately in the 15 hours a week she has now, how is she going to do it with less hours?
    And then, this morning/early afternoon, Little Guy was sick and could not go to school. My fatherinlaw covered the morning yesterday when he was also sick, but could not again today. Husband had a really important meeting at 9 and I have one at 2. So we toggled the day. He went to work for a couple of hours, then came home and I went to work. Nanny arrived at 1:30 and he went back to work.
    While I was “off” this morning there was a big issue with a big client. Sigh.
    I am almost feeling like we need to suck it up and pay a full time nanny again even though there are no children in my house for 7.5 hours a day.
    But not her. If I am paying someone to be alone in my house for hours and hours without kids (maybe we could hire someone from 10-6 and then even if Little Guy stays home sick, we don’t miss that much work), I want the house to be clean, and I’d like dinner made. I’ve been expirementing with meal delivery and personal chefs and it is really not working out. I am vegetarian and the options are very limiting and boring.
    Is this totally unreasonable?

    • roses

      Why is this unreasonable? You employ her on an at-will basis, and it doesn’t sound like your kids have some kind of special bond with her that you risk breaking. Tell her that you won’t be needing her services anymore, give her a couple weeks to figure out her employment situation, and look for someone else who better fits your needs.

      • SuziStockbroker

        My guilt kicks in. She is saving to bring her family here from overseas. But yeah, I can’t handle the whole load, I need someone who actually helps me, rather than just watches the 5 year old, particularly since I am paying her for hours when he is not there.

    • ac

      Can you look for a part-time housekeeper/nanny who is better? I get that it’s hard to find a good PT childcare employee — particularly one who is available 5 days per week — but I think if you look for a cleaner/cook/babysitter who can do 20 hours a week (2-6 pm?), including a couple hours of meal prep & cleaning followed by a couple more of kid supervision, you’ll be able to meet more of your needs than she is currently.

      Based on what you’ve written, I don’t think you or your husband really trust her, so I think it’s probably time to find someone new. Good luck.

      • SuziStockbroker

        Yes, that was the hours I was thinking of when she first proposed this to me. I extended it to 1-6 so she would have more hours when my neighbor backed out on her.

        I guess it really is just finding another person. I’l have to advertise and see who is out there.

    • (Former) Clueless Summer

      Sounds like you need a housekeeper who will do child care rather than a nanny (before your kid was in school you needed a nanny who would maybe sort of do housekeeping). It sounds like you can’t really trust nanny…although maybe she is fudging the hours because she can’t do it but doesn’t want to get fired (sounds like she has a lot of uncertain employment).

      • SuziStockbroker

        I don’t think she is worried about getting fired. And she doesn’t t work during the days mid week currently before she comes to our house.
        I think her standards just aren’t very high (and I am far from a perfectionist) and she’s not a self starter.

    • Anonyc

      We have a similar need–only care for afternoon/evenings–and have done well by part-time babysitters/nannies who clock on around 3, do meal prep/kid collecting/dinner and bath. When we looked for our current lovely babysitter we specifically wanted someone who had other PT work or school–so the need for more hours would be nil–and ended up with a student. Separately we have a housecleaner who comes once a week for a real clean, plus laundry. This system works well for us, especially because as a student, our babysitter can often cover days off (sick or vacation) with her more flexible schedule.

      • SuziStockbroker

        That sounds pretty great.

        One thing I will say about our nanny is that she is super reliable and rarely calls in sick.

    • Wildkitten

      Is she teaching Suzi jr her native language? Because that would be cool.

      • SuziStockbroker

        No, I would have been happy for her to do so. Way back when my oldest was a baby and went to a home daycare, that lady spoke Pakistani to my daughter (who was 1 when she started there and 3 when we had our second child and got a nanny). It was really cool, she and my daughter had their own little mishmash language.

    • Coach Laura

      Yep. Look for someone who can take care of the kids but also has good cooking, cleaning and organizing skills. S/he should be able to go to the dry cleaners, post office, make meals, make kid lunches for the next day, do laundry, start/make dinner – all of that. Sounds like heaven to me.

      • SuziStockbroker

        It sounds like heaven to me too, but seems hard to find on a part time basis.

    • Pesh

      What you are looking for is what agencies call “House Managers”, basically a hybrid of a housekeeper and nanny. It’s a better solution than looking for a nanny who also does housework or a housekeeper who will watch your children because neither responsibilities are “on the side”, both are their focus. I would reach out to agencies to find candidates who specialize in that type of work or use that job title if looking for candidates on your own.

    • Michelle Howard

      Replied to you in the other thread with a long post. In summary, fire her, up the salary, contact a service, go for quality household manager person who is mature, stable, and ultra competent.

  9. AnonMomLaw

    Can you hire two people – a housekeeper only who is there just to do housework and an after-school nanny that only works the actual number of hours you need for childcare? That way there is no issue with who is in charge of getting what done. And it might be much less expensive. I’d definitely get rid of the current nanny if she is taking advantage of you by showing up late consistently and given that it sounds like she doesn’t do what you hired her to do and you don’t actually need her as much as you are paying her.

    • SuziStockbroker

      I only need 2 hours a day of actual childcare, 4-6., I guess I thought it would be really hard to find that without putting him in a daycare after school. The 10 year old boy does require some supervision after school too though and I can’t put him in the school daycare, there are no other 10,year olds.

      • AIMS

        If you’re unhappy with current nanny, look for a college or responsible high school student (I used to do similar hours for 2 kids when I was 15-17, pick them up from school, take them to karate, make them chicken nuggets, etc.). I don’t think it would be unreasonable to find someone for those kinds of hours if you’re dealing with students. I would maybe offer to pay a bit more (esp. if you want a college or grad student) to make it worthwhile for the person to rely on such limited hour employment (why pay $13/hr for more hours than you need when you can pay $20 for the right person to do the hours you actually want?).

        That said, given that this nanny has worked for your family for so long, maybe have a talk with her about what needs to change if she wants to keep this job. Maybe she will improve if she knows her job is on the line. Someone who loves your kids is not the easiest to replace.

        • SuziStockbroker

          She loves my little one, who is 5, and she has looked after since he was 1. She’s not great with my older two, now 10 and 12. The 12 year old no longer requires any supervision and the 10 year old, only minimal.
          I’ve spoken to her. Not explicitly, “this is what you need to do your job”. Mostly because, until this year the most important part of her job was to look after the little one.
          But all attempts to teach her how to cook have failed. She can make tacos from a kit. Sort of (she adds the red sauce to the meat).,,I am vegetarian so I don’t eat that, but very occasionally ask her to make it for hubby and kids.
          She is also astonishingly bad at laundry. My 12 year old now does her own clothes so they don’t get ruined. Which is good, but also can lead to some drama if she’s forgotten! Fortunately the boys clothes are pretty much indestructible.

          What might work is hiring a part time housekeeper for the housework and a college babysitter from 4-6. The high schools in the neighborhood get out at the same time as Little Guys school. I kind of feel like I’d have to pay $20 an hour for both though because of the hours.

  10. Anon. Gift to Staff

    Gift to staff/paralegal.

    I work in a small/midsize firm and I’m the newest atty at the firm. We don’t have secretaries or assistants. Rather all of the staff is a hybrid secretary/assistant/paralegal and they’re called paralegals; I share a paralegal with some other attys (she does my letters, scheduling, etc.). For the holidays, all of the attorneys pool money and make a charitable donation as the ‘gift’ to the staff. I’m uncomfortable with this. Usually you don’t gift to a paralegal because they get a bonus – I don’t know if that’s true at my firm. Despite the fact that she’s called a paralegal, mine does more secretarial functions.

    Obviously I’m not averse to charitable donations, but it feels like a weird gift to give to your secretary/assistant. I know my firm pays well, but she might appreciate that cash coming directly to her. Also – whenever I give a charitable donation in someone’s name, I give to a cause the donee feels strongly about; here, all of the staff will get a donation to a random charity.

    As I mentioned, I’m the newest attorney, so I will do what I’m told (and give what I’m told), but I’m just wondering what the hive thinks about all this.

    • Clementine

      Yeah, it’s kinda weird I agree, but as the ‘new kid’, I wouldn’t fight it. I’d try and not make waves for sure. There might also be some backstory that you’re not familiar with, but it also might just be a quirk of your office.

      We pool cash for our (shared) admin and cleaning personnel. Despite the (previously discussed) potential downsides of baking for your office, I make pretty stellar homemade candy and jams and give them to coworkers. The admin in my area gets a big box of homemade candy (I even know the type her boyfriend likes so she gets a bunch of that specific kind) from me personally and other people give her consumable type small stuff in addition to the sizeable visa gift card we all chip in for.

      • Anon. Gift to Staff

        Maybe that’s an option for me as well. I’m hesitant to just give her a gift card or cash, because then I worry about others finding out — consumables might be an easy way to avoid stink eye.

        • Clementine

          Oo! I just remember that a former coworker used to give her a basket that I always thought was a great idea. She gave her nice hand sanitizer and hand lotion and put it in a bag with little packages of tissues, lip balm and the like. That might be another non-consumable but not too over-the-top, along with a nice note.

          Coffee/tea/cocoa are also usually pretty safe, especially if you know what she drinks.

        • AnonInfinity

          It might depend on your office, but the biggest hit BY FAR that I’ve given to a paralegal was a bottle of great bloody mary mix and a bottle of Grey Goose. I watched the sales in my favorite liquor store and got the Goose when it was on sale, so the gift was about $30 all together. It was perfect and very much appreciated.

    • Anon

      Please know that law firm staff “bonuses” are really low, even at most biglaw firms. If you want to give someone more, give him or her a SBUX card or something else, and a heartfelt note. Even attys who gave me bottles of wine back in the day got extra-super-stellar service for just acknowledging all the times I stayed late or did an all-nighter.

  11. purplesneakers

    Does anyone have make-up tips for people who don’t wear/need much makeup?

    I grew up with a mom who never wore any makeup, and in a culture that didn’t really care either way. I was also lucky to have great skin growing up. The end result of which is that I’m in my twenties with no idea where to start. I do wear eyeliner and mascara, but I’d like to do a little more- but I find foundation WAY too much, and just pressed powder not enough. Plus I’m dark-skinned South Asian, which I’m still working through that baggage (skin-lightening obsession for the lose.) Does anyone have recommendations for products- specifically face and lip stuff- which aren’t too heavy and work on darker complexions?

    TIA!

    • Zelda

      This is exactly why tinted moisturizer/bb cream was created! I’m about Rihanna’s complexion and both Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer and CoverFX CC Cream work well for me. For drugstore brands, I’ve heard good things about Iman and, Maybelline. For lightweight tinted lip balms, I like burt’s bees, fresh sugar lip balm, maybelline babylips, NYX, clinique, and revlon colorburt lip butter. These provide a range of color choices/coverage without feeling heavy.

    • Anon in NYC

      You might want to look at MAC for its range of colors. I find most of their stuff to be pretty heavy, but the sales associates may be able to steer you towards something lighter weight.

    • red-faced-anon

      Honestly, I never really understood how to put on makeup until I took a lesson from a professional makeup artist who wasn’t trying to sell me anything. I actually took two – one from the Aveda school (I think I had a beginning student) and one from a professional that a tv-appearing friend of mine uses (about ~$150). At the time it seemed like a silly splurge but she was great about teaching me how to actually apply makeup and helping me figure out what was appropriate for everyday.

    • V

      May i recommend lisaeldridge who is found on youtube. She’s a professional artist who believes in a natural finish to make up? She has a basics series and ones to explain about different face products. She lives in the uk so not all products are available but she’s great teacher! I also recommend if you have a sephora near you they have a color iq or color id system that assists in getting you a perfect match for foundation? Im glad i tried it, i finally learned i have a netural undertone.

    • Anonymous

      Another plug for maskcara.com. Probably more make up than you want, but she creates really natural looks and you can take ideas away from her great makeovers.

    • AN

      I am south Asian. I wear moisturised plus sunscreen, then a dusting of bobbi brown loose powder.
      After that, I do my brows with bobbi eyeshadow powder and apply lipstick. Eyeliner if I am in the mood for it.
      Done! No foundation, no tinted moisturiser. If you don’t need these, don’t start.

      Fwiw, I am 40 and I have great skin.

  12. Job Blues

    BF has gotten out of a very long-term job with a company that was circling the drain (so went from high title / high pay to low title /low pay, which was demoralizing). He went to a company that is doing great, but the high pressure is getting to him. For 6 months he has been a nightmare to live with (mostly) and has talked about how he may need to go on anxiety / depression meds. He refuses to see anybody and says I can’t relate (I have a high pressure / high stress job, but I am used to it even though I would prefer a different job and pace of life). I think it’s on the list to look for another job (which will take a while) or an internal re-placement (and demotion). I’d like to take him to counseling (career? psychologist? psychiatrist?) b/c we will need couples counseling if he doesn’t get it together. [And he’s casually (he says) talked about some self-harm, then backed away from it –> to me that is a major red flag that he out to do something now or I ought to insist on it.]

      • Ruby

        Sorry to hear this. Sadly this just happened to me for first time ever, totally surprised- reorg, resulted in lower level job and pay at a growth stage of career (well it was). I’m ruminating constantly but also taking many steps to regroup. Being 1- careful to put on low profile non emotional face at work 2- taking time to think through and act slowly so as not to jump to something worse. It is a huge ego hit for professionals to experience this. Thanks for the circling the drain words I like that. As for your guy, I don’t really know about counselling. It’s everyone’s answer to everything but it doesn’t necessarily solve the root cause. More productive to me seems like making a list of 2015 lifestyle objectives, mapping out specific strategies and tactics to get there, and planning first steps. Like no more than 10 tops, 3-5 are more achievable. Then getting the support he needs to focus on those things. Believe me I know how hard it is to focus when working long hours- bootstrapping on top of exhaustion feels darn near impossible but it is possible. We don’t like to cut corners but guess who does it? Most people. The ones we pick up the slack for. The most critical thing is mapping his objectives. If he doesn’t like high pressure job environments, what alternatives are appealing to pursue and try? We often have the challenge of wanting prestige and money but not the sacrifices. In this era, decoupling our economics from that is great, if one can take the plunge to be entrepreneurial. Opens up time and money and doors. But not what most of us are inclined or trained to do. We want to preserve our ‘traditional’ earning power and not get off the track. But the more I see, these employers are rarely going to serve our quality of life well. I’m focused on side projects to make money and passive income over time- though myself get sucked into Linked In job searches anyway, even though I’ve stated my goal not to spend time on that because it is not a high value stream activity or outcome. Sigh, our orientation to these topics dies hard. Good luck and those are my thoughts! Hopefully both he and I will soon be in better situations one way or another.

    • Baconpancakes

      On a day you have an office holiday party? Sure. On a different day? No. Too cocktail.

      But you could wear it with a silky white/ivory shirt, a black cashmere sweater, a navy top. I wouldn’t wear it with a blazer unless you get the matching one.

  15. Hypoallergenic dogs

    I want to get a dog. It will probably be a while before I actually get one, because my job and living situation are not currently ideal for raising a puppy (I’m a single mid-level BigLaw associate working crazy hours in a small-ish apartment in NYC), but I’m hoping that one and possibly both of those things will change soon (I’m currently applying for/interviewing for jobs with a better lifestyle, including in other cities, in which case I would probably have more space). One of the things that’s getting me through the stress of job applications is daydreaming about the various things I’ll get to have once my lifestyle changes (time to learn a language! volunteer! date! and get a puppy!). So I’d like to start doing some research.

    My biggest issue is that I am allergic to (some) dogs. I also just generally don’t know that much about various dog breeds and the entire process of adopting/buying a dog. I have never had a dog, but have spent time with my friends’ dogs, some of which give me a problem and some of which don’t. I’ve done some poking around and it looks like there are certain breeds that are known as being “hypoallergenic,” but allergies can be different for different people so I’ve read that that’s not necessarily a completely reliable indicator of what particular breed or dog would and wouldn’t be right for me.

    So! My questions: Is there a way for me to “test” dogs before adoption/purchase? Would I be able to do that before I’m even ready to actually adopt/purchase one? Know anywhere I can do that in NYC? Ideally I would want to adopt a dog from a shelter as opposed to purchasing one from a breeder, but is that not going to be an option for me because a mixed-breed dog is more likely to cause issues? What are some good resources I can look at to get accurate/unbiased advice about dog breeds, the process of choosing a dog, adoption vs. purchase, etc.? Anyone here with dog allergies have any experience looking for and adopting/buying a dog? Also (and I’m almost positive the answer to this is yes), am I correct that it’s not a great idea for me to get a dog before my job situation changes? Thanks in advance :)

    • Clementine

      You have to decide for you when is the right time to get a dog.

      I’m just going to say that once you have picked a breed, don’t be hesitant to go with a breed specific rescue. I love Laborador Retrievers, so I got one from a Lab specific rescues. (Obviously, my dog is the most awesome dog ever. No contest.) A neighbor of my mom’s went through a small dogs rescue and got a Yorkie who had spent her entire life living in a puppy mill cage- she is a purebred and was 100% a rescue.

      Also, there’s always the chance that you’ll react to even a ‘hypoallergenic’ breed, but I know several people who use anti-allergy meds with great success to get around this issue. My own husband is slightly allergic to dogs, but finds that as long as he washes his hands after playing with/extended petting sessions, he has no reaction. I remind him that knowing all the gross stuff our dog has been known to roll in- it’s not a bad idea to wash hands anyway.

      • Hypoallergenic dogs

        I didn’t know breed-specific rescues were a thing! That’s fantastic. Thanks.

    • MegB

      First off, yes your thoughts about not getting a dog right now are correct, especially not a puppy. As far as dogs that are “hypoallergenic” it depends. Mostly the breeds people think of like that are some type of poodle or poodle cross. Portuguese Water Dogs too. It has to do with the curly hair that doesn’t really shed. I have what I think of as hay fever type allergies to both dogs and cats as does my mom. We always had Standard Poodles growing up and they are great dogs. A standard is about the size of a lab or retriever in general. Poodles are super smart and house break quickly. The current vogue is crossing all sorts of things with poodles like labadoodles, goldendoodles etc. There is also the cock-a-poo and the schna-poo which are smaller dog crossed with cocker spaniels or schnauzers. In general, the crossed dogs are also considered “hypoallergenic” I believe although I don’t have any personal experience. The downside here is that this type of dog coat needs to be groomed and maintained professionally every six weeks or so. I’m not in New York so sorry I can’t help with specifics but you might try researching the breeds you are interested in and then contacting a breed rescue in your area. My mom and sister each have a standard poodle right now they found through the rescue in our area. Hope that’s helpful!

    • Wildkitten

      A lot of people are fine if they just take a Claritin daily. I don’t think you can test drive a particular dog, but if you have friends with the breed I’m sure they’d let you cuddle with their pups. I got my dog as a puppy and will only adopt adult dogs from now on. So much less work!

    • TNTT

      So, hypoallergenic breeds are a myth. All pets have dander, it’s just that (a) you are only allergic to the dander from some dogs and (b) not all breeds shed their dander at the same rate. A will vary by dog, not by breed. B will likely vary by breed. So look for a low-shedding breed (my shihtzus are super about this) and then go play with them. Whether you decide to go rescue or breeder, any reputable organization will let you come and meet the dogs. Go play with them and see how you feel after.

      As for resources, Puppies for Dummies is actually a helpful start, if not an embarrassing purchase, haha. Go Amazon. Once you meet your puppy and start to get to know him, you’ll start to learn how they will best be trained. For example, my first one was absolutely not motivated by food. Zero. You couldn’t pay her to eat treats. All she wanted was happy noises and hugs. The second one would take down a horse if it meant she got a lick of peanut butter. They’ll teach you what they need to learn.

      And of course, you’re right, don’t get a pup until you can go home to visit every few hours at the beginning. Besides, you’ll want to be at home playing/bonding/cuddling rather than at work worrying about your carpet/their crate.

    • lsw

      When I first got my dog, I was living alone and working quite a bit – and a senior dog was a GREAT fit for me! Puppies are A TON of work (adorable, yes), and senior dogs often languish at the shelter. I would adopt a senior dog again 100 million percent. I was looking between ages 5-6 initially, but I fell in love with my girl who was 8 at the time. She’s turning 14 soon (omg!) and yes, there are some difficulties with owning an older pet, but it’s seriously such a great option for a single person and they need the love too!

    • Anonymous

      Some breeders allow you to do t-shirt allergy tests (check out Smeraglia and its adorable teddybear goldendoodles). My husband and I have a 3-month old F1B goldendoodle and haven’t had any allergy flare-ups. He also does not shed, which was a major requirement for us.

      As for the scheduling issues, we have a dog walker come twice a day, since he’s still a puppy. It’s not cheap. In NYC I’ve heard the walkers get $17/walk (we’re in D.C.). We alternate coming home from work early (6:30 p.m.). It’s been a change of pace, but a welcome one!

      Good luck in your search!

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I’m a shelter volunteer. Most good no-kill shelters will allow a foster to adopt situation where you test the dog out. Also, even if you did a full adoption and found out you were totally allergic, you could return the dog to the shelter, as heart breaking as that would be. Find a really good reputable shelter near you and ask them what you are asking here.

      • AIMS

        To OP, there’s a great animal shelter in NYC called Animal Haven (Tribeca) where I think you could spend some time with the dog to see if you’re allergic. The ASPCA shelter on 94th street is also pretty good.

        That said, I agree that “hypoallergenic” breeds are a bit of a misnomer. We recently got a dog and while he is very low shedding and supposedly non-allergy inducing, we had a friend come over who’s allergic and he totally had a reaction.

        Oh, and yes – older dogs are so much easier; our puppy had to be walked every 4 hours when we first got him (they can usually “hold it” for about as many months as they are are plus one).

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I think everyone’s covered the various aspects of hypoallergenic/costs/lifestyle questions, but I wanted to add that some rescue groups will allow you a foster-to-adopt option, meaning you can foster a dog for a limited period of time (sometimes it’s a set period of time, sometimes it’s “until a permanent home is found,” depends on the rescue group), and then have the option of either adopting the dog permanently (if the dog is a good fit for you/your lifestyle/your allergies), or letting the dog go on to a permanent family that’s a better fit. Given that there are a lot of unknowns for you right now – allergies, time commitment, etc. – this would probably be a good option, and for a lot of rescues groups, the more willing foster homes they have, the more dogs they can pull out of shelters.

      Also, since you’re in NYC, let me put in a plug for Second Chance Rescue, Social Tees Rescue, and BARC (Brooklyn Animal Resource Coalition) – they all do really great work and would likely be happy to help you find your doggy match.

    • Anon

      Everyone in my family is allergic to dogs, with varying degrees. My mother is HIGHLY allergic (she can’t go to dinner at certain friends houses because of their dogs and is off the charts on skin tests). There are no truly hypoallergenic dogs, but we have done well with Schnauzers, who are a great breed. They are less energetic than Poodles and do well resting for long periods of time with bursts of high energy (good for people who are working and/or don’t have large yard). They rarely come up for rescue and do not come cheap, but if you find other options do not work for you, they may be an option.

    • MJ

      I am allergic to dogs, but deal well with Labradoodles, goldendoodles and bearded collies.

      I would definitely recommend that you research breed types on the web and then make sure to attend the Westminster Kennel Club show. I think it’s in Feb in NYC. even if you are in biglaw, you can sneak out for a few hours to walk around and pet the dogs. This will give you a good sense of which breeds are friendly.

      This may not be the best allergy test as all of the show dogs are washed quite often, so certain breeds with oilier coats (like hounds) won’t be as “doggy” as a non-show dog of the same breed might be!

      Have fun!

    • Crazy Dog Lady

      Once you identify some breeds that seem to invoke less or no allergic reaction, try the Petfinder website, you can look for shelter or dogs by distance, age, and likely breed mixes, and that can really help.

      I volunteer at a ‘kill’ shelter in rural California, typically on Saturdays, and while it is very gratifying, it is one of the most emotionally difficult things I have ever done. Week to week, dogs I am familiar with just aren’t there anymore. And I don’t ask questions, because I don’t want to know… can’t know, or I wouldn’t be able to do it anymore.

      So, with that background, I would say please, please, please, don’t BUY a dog. I may get flamed by those who love having purebred dogs, but there are thousands of perfectly wonderful dogs put to death every day… every minute… it literally makes my chest hurt. Even with allergy issues, with a little effort, I’m certain that when the time is right, with a little work, you will be able to find and save your best friend.

      And as far as allergies, there isn’t a single pound or shelter or rescue, kill or no kill, that I can imagine that wouldn’t let you have a trial run with a pup. No kill rescues often require you bring back the dog to them if it doesn’t work out, and as far as regular, ‘kill’ shelters… taking unwanted dogs is what they do, so you can always bring an animal back if it doesn’t fit with your family/other dogs/allergies, etc. We would so much rather see you give a dog a chance, than a dog never having one.

      Also, if you decide you just have to buy, because of the allergies, because you want a certain look, etc, etc… be very careful where you buy from. With the ‘designer’ dogs becoming more popular (often they produce the misnamed ‘hypoallergenic’ dogs, poodle crosses, ‘pugles’, ‘dachipoos’, ‘labordoodles, etc…) puppy mills are flourishing. And buying a puppy from a puppy mill is like buying from a child-labor sweat shop, nothing an animal lover would want to do, if they know about it. Google puppy-mills and see what I mean.

      Finally, like others have said, dogs are not hypoallergenic just because the dog may be half poodle. Its a genetic crap-shoot. Labradoodles were originally created by guide-dog programs, to create a dog that worked for the blind who were allergic. Only some of the puppies from the first lab/poodle crosses were hypoallergenic. To improve those chances, they began a careful program of breeding, 1/2 poodle crosses to 3/4 poodle crosses, for example, with testing of the puppies that were trained as guide dogs for this purpose. Very few, if any, puppy mills or back-yard breeders are this careful, or actually test their puppies. This results in many puppies being sold as ‘hypoallergenic’ to homes, then later being dumped in shelters when the allergic reaction occurs. Because when it comes down to it, a ‘Pugle’ (pug/poodle cross) is a mutt, just like any dog in any shelter across the country. Just like the thousands of dogs killed every day.

      I know I’m late to the conversation, but hope you’ll have a chance to read, and consider, the above.

  16. Clementine

    AHHH! Please don’t center the text. It may be too much for me to adjust to. Left justified 4 life!

    • Baconpancakes

      It’s just a loading issue! Just reload the page! I freaked out yesterday when that happened to me, but I reloaded the page twice, and it cleared it up.

      • Clementine

        Baconpancakes, Thank you. I am a little embarrassed at just how upset I was that the text display on a blog had *slightly* changed…

  17. AnonAgain

    A little vent, hive, if you don’t mind.

    I’ve been in-house for almost 2 years now, and my significant decrease in posts has been due to being busy with that…and very happy! But there is a hitch. Our legal department is organized into regions, and there is one other attorney in my region. She is about 20 years only than I, but has only been practicing law for 10 years, to my 8. So not that much of a difference. She isn’t my supervisor (we all report direct to the GC), but she has a slightly more senior title. We have a very distinct division of labor.

    Well, it seems she’s decided she is my supervisor. It started about a year after we both came here (she started about 4 months after me), and now it has just snowballed. Very undermining of my authority to deal with issues under my job duties, and I’m basically treated like an assistant or a first year attorney. Very frustrating.

    Finally yesterday I find that she has been, well, lets put it as “telling tales out of school.” Last year I was out of town, supposed to be on vacation, and a deal I was negotiating came to a head and I spent about 2 of my days dealing with it. It was fine, but I did go back and take back the vacation time I had planned to take, and billed hours for the time I was working. Well, I have no idea how she even found out that I billed those hours, but she’s told some higher ups (also that I don’t report to) about it and created a whole stink. Since I save everything, I have all the evidence of those old appointments and passed them on, and once everyone revealed it was all “just a mix up” I was assured that there was no reason to be worried. So that’s all resolved and great, but it is just…frustrating!

    GC has promised she is going to deal with this, but everyone is leaving town (except me, intentionally so) over the next few weeks so we’ll deal with it in the new year. I’ve just never had to deal with a micromanagement issue from someone I don’t even work for before! Strange. Has anyone ever had to deal with a slightly senior person unilaterally deciding they are your manager? Any tips to deal with it?

    • Coach Laura

      It’s hard to give tips not knowing much about you, but she might just be doing a power play or trying to get promoted, and you’ll just have to find a way to shut her down without being seen as rude. Assert your control over your projects/matters/responsibilities, be direct and to the point. Don’t copy her on email unless required. If she tries to take over Matter X, be firm but clear that you are in control and you’ll let your boss know if you need assistance. BUT don’t drag your boss into the skirmish. A little assertiveness and perhaps a targeted reading of Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office might help.

      • AnonAgain

        Thanks. I’m trying to not be too specific and out myself. That’s exactly what is happening – power play + promotion. Until now, I’ve done the assertive “I’ve got it, I know when to send up a flare if I need help, but thank you for the input” polite thing, but now it is just so pervasive, she is taking over matters I should be responsible, and then blocking me from finding out about it until it is too late. Hence the GC involvement. I’ve been meaning to read “Nice Girls,” so maybe I’ll do that over the holiday…

        • Coach Laura

          After reading your response, I agree with everything MJ wrote. It’s time to be more direct.

      • MJ

        Yeah–I haven’t had this exact issue, but similar. Honestly, sometimes the direct way is the best.

        “Thanks, but I managing this proect.”

        “I apologize, I cannot take over your [$hit project] because my plate is full” etc. etc.

        Also, not to start WWIII, but you can also say, “Jane, I see that you were very concerned with my vacation and dealing with XYZ emergency. I’d appreciate, if you have any concerns with my holiday time, that you take them up directly with me instead of HR/GC. In return I promise not to interfere with your affairs with GC.”

        Boundaries are helpful. Also, this can be a bullying thing…so the more she does it, the more she thinks she is in the right. It doesn’t work that way. So speak up when she is undermining you. Even the innocuous, “Why would you say such a thing” can put her on notice that you are on to her game, and call her out on it.

  18. V

    Ladies,

    Booties with the chuckier heel look okay under dress pants that are bootcut? I’m tired of cold feet in my flats and i dont like heels so much.

    I’m petite and i have no idea how to style straight or ankle length business dress pants. Im assuming this will make me look shorter, no?

    Also anyone have recs for fashion blogs where the blogger doesnt have high end picks for the workplace?

    • ALN

      I wear the Sam Edelman Pacific booties with suit pants for commuting (and sometimes I’m too lazy to change) and I think they look good. My suit pants are straight cut in theory, but certainly not slim. I wouldn’t wear them with ankle pants unless they were quite slim (which for me at least would make them casual).

  19. Impulsive

    Not a fan of the buttons but before I knew it I ordered this coat in black. FYI you can get 40% off (not just 30%) and free shipping with promo codes FREESHIP and EXTRA40.

  20. Marjorie Daw

    Anyone out there ever gotten a staph or yeast (thrush) infection in her breasts? Looks like I have one (will see MD tomorrow and determine which). I’m trying to figure out what it would mean for me and for my breastfeeding, and I would love to hear what other moms’ experiences have been. (I’m posting here instead of on c-moms because I suspect there won’t be a lot of responses there on a weekend. And of course I will be discussing ramifications with my MD.) Thanks!

    • Greensleeves

      Yes, with my third. It’s not unusual for mom and baby to both end up with it. If so, it’s important that you’re both treated at the same time. I took an oral anti fungal (diflucan) and I think my daughter did too, but I can’t remember for sure. I was diagnosed first, then I called the pediatrician and she just called in a prescription for my daughter. I don’t recall that it caused us any particular problems with breastfeeding. Quick healing thoughts for you!

  21. Anon for this

    Ladies, I am being headhunted from my comfort zone in the casual IT sector to investment banking and since everything I have heard of it as a career describes it as brutal and formal, I am hesitant to go forward with this. Have any of you done similar moves and if so, what was it like for you? I would rather not waste my and the recruiter’s time if it would be an inadvisable career move.

    • Anon

      I am an IT consultant and every time I’ve worked with a bank customer it’s been a nightmare. Maybe someone else has a better experience, but it’s a very high-paced, arrogant world full of people who are trying to claw their way up and stepping on other people to get there. They do not want to hear your opinion, even if they’ve hired you to provide it.

  22. Anonymous

    I have a one-bedroom condo, hardwood floors everywhere except kitchen and bathroom, no carpet. Am I a good candidate for a Roomba? Do you recommend?

    • Wildkitten

      There are several options. There’s a roomba called “mint” made specifically for hard floors. Are you trying to vacuum up animal hair, or wash your floors?

  23. tinabelcher

    Help! I’m an unmarried new lawyer (straight through from college to law school) and I need help with financial management. I have a decent amount of savings at Bank 1, and I’ve just opened a 401K at Bank 2. I have some, but not an overwhelming amount, of student debt.

    I really want someone who can advise me regarding how much I should be saving, etc.; should I be looking to make an appointment with someone at Bank 1 or Bank 2? I’m worried they might have weird incentives since I have money split between the two. Should I look for an independent financial advisor? If so, where do I look? And, in any of the above situations, how much should I expect to pay for the advising?

    Also, I’m in the Boston/Cambridge area so if anyone has specific recommendations, let me know. Thanks for the help!

  24. Pancakes

    I need a gift suggestion! It’s for my mother in law. She’s retired, bad with technology, and seems like she already has everything she needs. She doesn’t cook. Her main hobby is genealogy. Often, if you get her a gift, it seems like she doesn’t use it, generally for fear that it’s too nice.

    Help. Please.

    • AIMS

      Can you get her one of those DNA kits? I forget if it’s ancestry dot com or some other service, but it seems to be pretty popular.

    • Flower

      Does she have any other hobbies? You could get her some books (or a gift card to a local bookstore + recommendations) if she likes to read or puzzle or books of word puzzles, if that interests her. You could also do something that falls into the useful category like a comfortable throw (I really want one of the ones from West Elm) or nice slippers. My family used to get me nice food items – chocolate, oils, etc. – but I would never use them because no occasion ever seemed nice enough and then they would go to waste, but I would definitely use a nice blanket.

      In terms of genealogy, what about a trip to an area where her family is from (I’m assuming more of a day trip than overnight, so this is obviously limited by location) or meeting with a local historian? Or a subscription to a service that she might not already have (might not work if she is technologically adverse).

    • lawsuited

      A magazine subscription? No way a magazine us “too nice” not to use, and it’s the gift that keeps on giving all year.

  25. Small town atty

    Need some input from those who use live-in nannies. We have a 19 year old girl who was in my daughter’s high school class and moved in with us when she turned 18. She is one of 13 kids and was in charge of laundry, cooking meals, taking care of the younger kids, etc. at home. She wants to be a nanny, and we have been looking at a local school for her to attend, but the cost is $10k for 3 months. She has been working since June saving every penny so has the money to go, but I am wondering how important this expensive school is for her to get a nanny job. She is a great cook, about the sweetest person you could ever meet, and is absolutely fabulous with kids. So……for those of you who would be inclined to hire a nanny, would you require someone with formal nanny training, or would life experience be enough? Just curious.

    • Anon

      Nannies who make a living wage have an education, usually at least a BA, you can obviously be a nanny without, but you wont be making a good wage.

      • AIMS

        Is this a nanny school? I don’t have kids, so no live in nanny, but from what I understand the things that matter more are CPR/first aid certs (which you can obtain for a LOT less) and, yes, a college education. This doesn’t seem like a worthwhile prerequisite.

        • Bewitched

          I’be heard of them but I want to say in the UK? Maybe I watched too much Mrs. Doubt fire. No nanny school require in my upstate NY city. I agree some college is helpful.

      • Anon

        By a BA I’m referring to early childhood education, child psychology, social work ect. Not this mystery nanny school. Though CPR, first aid ect are all important too, but those are just weekend classes at the red Cross

    • Anonymous

      I’m going to go against the grain on the BA point, but I whole heartedly agree that this nanny school sounds unnecessary and scammy. In my area of Boston there are many, many nannies who make 20 dollars/hour or more who don’t have a college education of any kind. It’s true that most of the younger US-born nannies have degrees or are in school. I think parents see the degree/enrollment as a proxy for maturity and responsibility. If your friend were in my metro area, I’d recommend she cover the basics of CPR, basic emergency response, etc. and enroll in an evening class at a local community college to signal “grown up”. That community college course should be significantly less expensive than the nanny school. Another alternative is to try to find a first job with a family with lots of kids plus stay at home parent or a family with a work at home parent. If I were hiring in those circumstances, I’d be less concerned about finding a nanny I could trust to make mature, independent decisions and might take a chance on a 19 year old. Another way to get started would be to try to find a summer nanny job and build a good reference with that family.

  26. Should Know This

    Question about host/hostess gift, when dinner is at a restaurant. I am invited to a holiday dinner that a work associate friend (from another company) is hosting for about 15-20 folks at a restaurant. I have a small host gift for him, but the box is about 3x3x8 inches. Do I bring it to the restaurant with me, or should I messenger it to his office the next day? I do not want to burden him with something to carry home, and I do not know if other guests will bring anything, but I don’t want to raise eyebrows at his office among people who were not invited. Advice?

    • Pancakes

      I would bring it with me in my bag and hand it to him as you say your goodbyes. This will minimize the issue of other guests not bringing anything and will avoid the issue at the office. I think generally, if you receive a gift, you wouldn’t feel burdened by carrying it home if it’s that small. I would personally be rather appreciative of getting any gift.

      • Anonymous

        That makes sense! Thank you! (I am the person who could not figure it out)

  27. Wildkitten

    Anyone have a psychiatrist recommendation in DC? It’s for a guy, for depression. Thanks!

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