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I'm not really into skulls for the office — but something about this really aggressive scary McQueen cuff is speaking to me for the weekend. I think it would be superchic with, well, anything, from jeans to a cocktail dress. I like this blue leather and silvertone brass version the best (it kind of says “White Walker / Skeletor” to me, but hey), but it's also available in pink. Alexander McQueen Leather Double Skull Cuff
Here's a skull bracelet with a lower price tag.
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Super-anon wife
I’m in a bad situation and need some input/a reality check. I’ve been married 25 years, we’ve had ups and downs. During a particularly unhappy period 11 years ago, I had a few-months-long affair with someone I knew from work (an employee of an institutional client). I’m not proud of it, and not looking for comments on the fact that it happened and what a bad person I am for having an affair. I planned never to tell DH but for complicated reasons it came out a few weeks ago (after DH conceived a completely wrong-headed idea that I am currently involved with someone and began scouring my texts and e-mails and even getting software to read deleted e-mails on my old laptop that is at home). He was devastated by the disclosure, which was the reason I hadn’t told him in all those years; I’m not sure which was the biggest mistake of my life, having the relationship or telling him. Things are extremely bad at home, we are seeing a therapist but I may move out in the short term.
DH asked me if I would “quit my job” to save the marriage; he says he will never be able to trust me again to do the long days out of the office and travel my work requires and he knows I work mostly with men. (It doesn’t matter that nothing has happened with anyone else, related to my job or otherwise, since the affair ended 11 years ago, which he doesn’t believe anyway.) I don’t have “a job,” I have a career and a profession – I’m a name partner in a small law firm (and we’re overworked, my partners would be overwhelmed if I left, as we’re barely keeping up with the number of attorneys we have), with 20+ years in a specialized practice area that I truly love, a national reputation, income in the low to mid 100s, substantially higher than his. I don’t see how I can just start over, but he thinks I should be able to “find something else.” He’s essentially given me an ultimatum. He believes my job was to blame for the affair – really, all it did was allow me to meet and spend time with the other man, and that could happen anywhere and in any job – and he can’t stand to think of me continuing in what he sees as the same situation. Therefore, if I don’t make plans to leave the firm in 6-12 months it means I’m prioritizing work over our marriage and we’re done. I have said I don’t think I can make the commitment he is demanding.
I know that of course he’s entitled to feel how he feels, and that I’m the wrongdoer here. But is what he’s asking as unreasonable as it seems to me?
Anon
Honestly, his viewpoint seems very irrational to me. That said, it doesn’t really matter if it’s irrational or not. I can see why he feels this way, although I’d consider it unreasonable. are there other concessions you could make for him? Also, therapy for sure.
First Year Anon
It seems unreasonable to me.
The underlying issue is that he needs to learn to trust you again- you’re going to be faced with temptation again, whether it’s a cute guy at a bar or an employee of your client. Forcing you to do these things won’t eliminate the temptation, and it’s really the trust thing you two need to work on.
Maybe some therapy would help?
Senior Attorney
Yes. It’s completely unreasonable.
That said, this is super new and fresh for him and hopefully over time he will soften a bit. Hopefully he’ll be willing to go to therapy with you (or alone).
Sunshine
+1. If he just found out, I’d imagine he’s not thinking very rationally.
mascot
Working mostly with men and long days in the office sounds like the majority of law firm jobs. I don’t know that you can give him what he wants. I also don’t think that this solves his trust concerns. Even if there was nothing in your past to hide, his investigation tactics seem a little extreme. Perhaps therapy can help, but this union may just be broken (although it sounds like it has been rocky for a while)
Super-anon wife
We have started therapy, and he also is seeing the same counselor individually. He insists that I can’t rebuild his trust if I’m still in the same work situation (I have made First Year Anon’s point to him, and also pointed out that I didn’t cheat again for 11 years, so it’s not like I’m constantly tempted, to no avail.)
I do understand that to him this was the worst betrayal imaginable and he is so deeply hurt we may not be able to get past it, regardless of my work. But I don’t really believe abandoning a career will help, and I think I will feel festering resentment if I do it.
Monday
He’s seeing the same therapist on his own that you two are using as a couple? Most professional ethics policies for therapy prohibit this–there’s supposed to be one consistent client, whether it’s an individual or a couple. The same therapist serving both roles could be getting in the way for you. I wonder if you could transfer as a couple to someone else?
Sorry you are in this situation, and good luck.
Super-anon wife
Good point. We’ve only had one session together — going back on Monday — and he’s had one session alone, but this might be something to consider before we go further with this therapist.
irene
He doesn’t know you didn’t cheat for the last 11 years though. He thought you didnt cheat at all.
Anonymous
Do you think this response will help:
This is all fresh and new for you now, and I get that you are grasping at whatever feels like it will give you calm. I take responsibility for what I did eleven years ago. The issue is with me doing what I did. While this is fresh pain, doing something as drastic as having me not work does not address the issue, and while you may think this is a way to control the situation – it’s a matter of me controlling myself. I can give you time, space, and will participate in therapy because I recognize what I did was very damaging, however, I also want to talk about how I don’t want to be in that space (cheating) again.
If you have worked through some of this, say so, but if you are pulling away and he’s getting paranoid, attacking you isn’t going to make you closer.
Keep with the therapy. I don’t see a conflict of interest unless you both want to be separating. Sometimes it’s easier to talk about both of you, one at a time.
Anon B
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, Super Anon. I’m not the most qualified to respond to your situation but I wanted to say something. I can imagine how tough and heartbreaking this would be. I also find such an ultimatum completely inappropriate – especially considering the harm done was 11 years ago. The fact that you are in counseling is good, and I would imagine things will change once the raw feelings have had a time to settle. Sending some sympathy and good wishes your way.
anonymous
It sounds like the trust issues run deeper than the affair. Why was he so paranoid about you being involved with someone now when you aren’t? Have you had these issues throughout your relationship? I think therapy would help, but if I were you, I’d give some major thought (and discussion in therapy) to trust issues in the relationship in general, totally apart from this disclosure.
Super-anon wife
Not sure I can explain the recent paranoia, except he’s always felt that he loved me more than I loved him (whether or not he acted that way) and that I was overly flirtatious although I disagree with that characterization. I am much more social and outgoing than he is, and essentially he thinks if he wouldn’t behave in a certain way no one should. We were talking about therapy even before this came out, for these and other issues. But you are right, we need to work on the big-picture issue of trust. Unfortunately, he thinks that since I lied 11 years ago, and implicitly did so since then, nothing I say can believed.
Killer Kitten Heels
“Nothing I say can be believed” …. but you’d magically become trustworthy if you worked somewhere else? I’d laugh at the absurdity if this wasn’t such a serious situation for you, and FWIW, I’m very sorry you’re going through this.
Cheated-on spouses, I think, are allowed to make certain “asks” in the interest of re-building trust that wouldn’t be cool in general (like open access to email/FB/cell phone for a limited period of time, like no longer interacting with an affair partner or potentially even a person who enabled the affair, etc.), but I feel like this “ask” is so deeply unrelated to what actually happened that it’s not fair.
For now, I think you can acknowledge his feelings about your career without committing to his plan, and see if time & counseling help walk him back off of this particular ledge. If it doesn’t, you can reevaluate in six months or a year. You don’t have to make a “forever” decision right now, and he shouldn’t be doing that either (and a therapist shouldn’t be letting you do that to each other – maybe time to try a different therapist?).
(Also, please know you’re not wrong or a bad person or a bad wife for not wanting to drop what sounds like a hard-won and rewarding career to assuage your husband’s insecurities, even taking into account the fact that you were unfaithful, and your husband is being unreasonable. It’s unreasonableness-coming-from-an-understandable-place, but it’s still unreasonableness.)
Anon in NYC
+1 to all of this.
Anon
+1 I think this is a great response
Ellen
I agree, Super Anon. He is unreasonable–plenty of men stick their winkie where it does NOT belong, and they don’t quit THEIR JOBS. Can he certify that his winkie has NEVER strayed? Even if the answer IS YES, why would you quit your job, where you make decent money, just to satisfy his ego? Does he realy think you will remain away from temtation if you are NOT working? What about all the storie’s you hear about women who stay home and have fun with the (Mailman/UPS/FEDEX/Lawn men)? FOOEY! I say if a woman is goeing to cheat, she does NOT have to have an office with a door to do so. That mean’s that your husband will have to accept your word. And BTW, do NOT let him put a chastetity belt on you like they did in the middle age’s. FOOEY on that! And if he did, make him wear a pair of iron underwear that lock’s. That way he can ONLEY use his winkie to wee-wee.
I swear, men are so irrational when it comes to their wives and insisting that we pledge sole allegiance to their winkies. I don’t have an objection to allegiance, but do NOT allow him to punish you for a silly indiscretion 25 year’s ago. Tell him that winkie’s are tempermental too and that by now that guy’s winkie may not even be visible, let alone functional any more, so he has absolutely NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! YAY!!!!
anonymous
LOL.
brokentoe
Nowhere in your description of the situation do you say you love your husband. You “truly love” your job. What if, after giving up your job, he still can’t handle the past and leaves you? Who is to say he won’t have similar suspicions about your next type of employment? Trust is the issue here, not your particular job. The importance of your career (financially and emotionally) shouldn’t be sacrificed on the altar of your guilt and his devastation.
JJ
Yup. I understand why your husband is making this demand, but it’s unreasonable. I think this is your impasse: if you’re not willing to give up your career to (potentially) save your marriage and that is what your husband is demanding, then you might have something that you can’t come to terms on.
But seriously, the trust issues that were clearly evident before (a software to read deleted items?!?!) are much, much larger issues to resolve than your husband’s ultimatum.
cbackson
Your last sentence, times one million. OP, my suspicion is that your husband has fixated on you quitting your job as way of proving your love for him. That’s not reasonable, or healthy. Obviously, for him this is fresh, and so he’s likely to have unreasonable and unhealthy reactions in the short term. But you don’t make long-term decisions from that kind of emotional place.
More broadly, though I’d ask you if this is really the kind of relationship you want to be in – one were there is so much distrust that your spouse is going through your email. I have a colleague whose wife constantly suspects him of having an affair and has demanded that she be provided his email password so that she can go through it whenever she wants to see whom he’s talking to (this isn’t normal, “oh, my spouse knows my passwords” – it’s specifically for the purpose of monitoring, and yes, I know this because I’ve occasionally overheard their loud cellphone fights about their relationship through the office walls/during a work trip). My understanding is that he gets hell if she feels like he has “unnecessarily” emailed any female colleague or client or that his tone was too friendly.
I don’t know what the backstory is in their case, but it looks like a pretty awful place to be from the outside, and I can’t imagine the kind of emotional damage that is going to do to both of them in the long term. I know you’ve been in this situation for a long time, but I think it’s worth asking whether, for either of you, there is a path forward together that will leave you both happy and whole.
Anon
I might be missing something, but is your colleague providing his wife with his work email password? Because i’d assume that he is emailing female colleagues and clients from a work account, not a personal one, and i’d also assume that giving his wife his work email password is 100% not okay (confidentiality, privilege, etc etc). Did i miss something?
cbackson
Yes, he is, and yes, I agree that it is 100% not okay. And she’s a former lawyer, so she has to know that.
It actually makes me incredibly uncomfortable to email him now that I know about it.
Anon
Wow. Just…wow.
irene
Dont you have a duty to report that to your firm?
Super anon
Edited to say – I know someone that does this too. Work phone and email.
Anonymous
I think you have an ethical obligation to the firms clients to report this suspected breach of confidentiality. An independent professional duty.
Anon
Yeah, i thought about this as well. I’d be livid if this guy was my outside counsel and people he worked with were aware of his practice.
Super anon
That raises an interesting legal question. They would have spousal privileges and couldn’t be forced to testify against each other so no one could ever prove they did this if she kept the info confidential.
cbackson
I’m embarrassed to admit that I hadn’t even thought about that. Oof.
You’re right, though.
Annie
They couldn’t be forced, but either one of them could decide they wanted to testify against the other.
And in my state, marital privilege doesn’t apply if 1) they are co-conspirators (like you have here) or 2) it’s a crime caused by one spouse against the other (like a domestic violence situation).
S in Chicago
I’m so sorry you are going through such a scary and awful time. It seems to me like there were two wrong doings here. Yes, you made a mistake (so long ago!), but he also shouldn’t have been invading your privacy the way he was. (Software to dig up old emails just screams a deep problem on his end as well.) Where I’m going with this is that whatever triggered him to go looking now—in the first place– is probably the real issue here. What is the therapist saying? I will give him that it would be difficult to know your spouse were still around the person you cheated with and would be reason to go looking for employment elsewhere. But if he’s also going to try to hold any late night working or work travel against you (as it sounds like he’s setting it up to do), then that’s never going to work wherever your career takes you and is ridiculously unfair. He doesn’t get the right to put tabs on you indefinitely either. If a relationship is going to work, both sides need to have basic levels of respect and trust. To go forward, he is going to have to be willing to trust you again (without software) or it just won’t work. It also will take time for him to process and heal. I’m sure others will disagree, but I wouldn’t make any major job change. I would hate to hear that you sacrifice all of that and still end up with either a really controlling and miserable marriage or a divorce that’s compounded by the stress of trying to regain financial strength. Hopefully the therapist can talk about what are reasonable and unreasonable boundaries in a relationship (for both of you) and strategies to rebuild trust.
Anon88
I can relate to your situation. I have a bunch of different thoughts so I’ll try my best to be organized.
I’ve been married 15 years. About 10 years ago, I had an affair with a co-worker. I actually told my husband about it about a year after it happened because I wanted a divorce. We actually ended up staying together and working through the issues. I stayed at my job because I moved on to other projects and was no longer in contact with this person. I don’t recall my husband asking me to quit my job at the time, because I am (was) the primary earner in the family. Also, my job was flexible enough that I was able to carpool to work with my husband and we even ate lunch together every day. Those were some of the things I did to re-build trust with him. However, there are times even to this day that my husband will ask if I ever interact with the person I had an affair with (I don’t). At the time we were dealing with this situation, my husband was more focused on the betrayal of what happened and why I did it. His focus was not so much on the job, moreso on the psychological aspects.
I remember one website (Marriage Builders) has specific advice about dealing with an affair and one of the items is for the spouse to quit their job if they had an affair with a co-worker. There is also a suggestion to write a letter to the other person indicating the affair is over. Although, in your situation that is not really the case.
I feel like maybe in therapy you need to work together on ways to rebuild trust in the relationship within your current job. Can you check in with him via email, text phone calls? Also, this would be a good time to work out why you had the affair in the first place and ensure those same issues do not come up again. Perhaps working through those things in therapy would help him?
Bottom line, I don’t think you should leave a well established career for something that happened so long ago. I don’t believe that will resolve the situation.
Super-anon wife
Thank you all so much for these comments and insights. DH is so upset he’s acting like a crazy person (which I understand and am trying to tolerate for as long as he needs to vent the anger and hurt) and I’m starting to feel like one myself, as much from the stress and lack of sleep from all of this as anything. Really, I don’t even know what makes sense any more, so all of this is helpful to hear. I obviously don’t want to talk about this with all my friends (although my longtime best friend knows, and knew about the affair at the time — DH said she’s a poor friend because she was not my “moral compass” warning me not to do it).
I am so grateful for this community.
Super-anon wife
And I even managed to get a laugh from Ellen’s post about “winkies” and chastity belts!
Anonymous for this
I had a fiance once who cheated on me. We were living in different cities and I found out when he didn’t answer his phone for several days and I was really worried so I logged on to his voice mail to see if he had any messages indicating that something bad had happened (this is after I called all the hospitals and the police station- I was truly worried about him) and heard a message from a person who was clearly his mistress saying she “couldn’t do it any more.” It turned out he was admitted to a hospital (his mother finally reached me) and when I talked to him over the phone I confronted him and he admitted it.
I demanded that if he wanted our relationship to survive he quit his job and move to my city. I knew it wouldn’t mean he couldn’t cheat again but I thought it would make it easier for us to have a stronger relationship if he wasn’t far away and, in a lot of ways, I just needed him to make a grand gesture that our relationship, and I, were worth it.
He didn’t do it and eventually I broke up with him.
I think we could have gotten over the cheating, but not what it represented- the fundamental core problems in our relationship that led him to cheat. I’m glad he didn’t give up his job, life and home to come to me, which would only have prolonged a futile effort to save a dying relationship.
But at the time, it just felt like he didn’t love me enough to make our relationship his number one priority. Irrational? Maybe.
Just a bit of perspective from the other side, thought maybe it would help.
Killer Kitten Heels
Any chance you could stay with that friend for a weekend or a week (or longer)? It sounds like you need a break from each other, and it sounds like you need someone around you to remind you that you’re not a giant pile of fail in human being form – you’re a flawed person who made a mistake over a decade ago, like lots of people, and who shouldn’t be defined by that one thing for the rest of her life, and I’m betting your friend can help in that department.
(Also, ick to the notion that a friend is supposed to be your “moral compass” – sounds like your friend is supportive and discreet, which is way better than a friend who’s going to be all “don’t do that, it’s *wrong*” when you’re in a rough patch.)
anonymous
The moral compass thing makes your husband sound even more off balance.
JJ
That was my exact reaction, as well.
S in Chicago
+1
Anon for this
Depends. That could be a religious thing. You surround yourself with people that keep you on the straight and narrow. Avoid the appearance of impropriety. Keep others from straying. I don’t live that life but know people that do.
cbackson
Honestly, I kind of get it. When I learned that my ex-husband’s best friend had known for months that he was planning to leave me, I felt weirdly betrayed and angry at him as well. It’s not a rational response, but I think it’s all part of the irrational-yet-understandable package here.
Traditionalist
I agree with cbackson — and I also think it has something to do with the concept that once you actually tell someone something, it becomes more “real.” Maybe the husband could sort of stomach the idea of an affair that was a complete secret, but the fact that OP told her friend means she wasn’t totally living in some alternate reality, she was cognizant of her actions.
Alice
Chiming in to say that the “moral compass” thing from the husband does raise the “ick” factor, but I don’t know, I do think there is some merit to the idea that your friends will hold you accountable for things. Coming from a non-religious angle. Once or twice I’ve done things I’m really not proud of, morally, and one of my best friends gave me a talking to that was deeply appreciated. at the end of the day, sometimes it is helpful to have someone you know and trust, and who loves you, to hold you accountable.
AIMS
I just wanted to chime in to say that I agree – your husband’s request, while understandable, is not reasonable. I also think that you could easily end up in a situation where you leave your career, the marriage still breaks up, and then you end up with neither. Fixing this will take two of you, not just you doing whatever he asks. You may feel guilty and in the wrong here, which is obviously understandable, but he also is in the wrong here, I think, for spying on you and installing all sorts of software on your phone/computer like you were some kind of wild teenage rebel. I would be pretty furious if someone did that to me . Yes, he ended up finding out about an affair from 15 years ago, but he also did this with no basis to suspect you of cheating right now! Ultimatums go both ways. If he wants to save your marriage, he is going to have to work to trust you, and that includes keeping your job if you’re the primary income earner. Oh, and reconsider you therapist if this person doesn’t think it’s unethical to treat you as a couple and treat him separately.
Anon for this one
So, I am going to be a voice of dissent here. Yes, the affair was a long time ago but the lying was not. An omission of an affair is a lie. Plain and simple. You have been dishonest with your husband for 11 years. Imagine how that makes him feel. You probably can’t because it is hard to imagine. He is reviewing every happy memory you have had since then and all of his memories are now colored by this information. Were you doing that (fun thing x) because you felt guilty? Do you do nice thing x out of love or just to keep him from figuring out the truth? The affair is a distant memory for you but it is not for him.
He is allowed to be unreasonable now and, frankly, you don’t get to call him on it. If he is unreasonable in a year or two, then you can have that discussion. For now, you need to decide where your priorities lie. Do you want to stay married or not? If you do, well, you need to respect how your husband feels, whether you agree or not. No matter what problems were going on (with limited exceptions I suppose), you chose to cheat and you are the cause of this current situation.
Obviously, you can’t just up and quit your job. But you can start looking for something else, right? You can commit to updating your resume by X date, contacting a recruiter by Y, having lunch with former colleague Z. Whatever. I don’t buy your “my partners need me” excuse. They are business partners, not family. Prioritize your family over them if you want to keep your family.
Given your experience, the amount of work you do and the pay you say you make, I find it hard to believe that it would be impossible to find a new job that would actually be an improvement for you professionally if you put some effort into it. Most likely though, just showing your husband that you take his feelings seriously will help him reign in the paranoia about your current job. My guess is that if you start going down the path of looking, in 6 months he was realize that it is not necessary and he can learn to trust you at your current job (or the tradeoffs with whatever new jobs come up are not worth it).
You really need to decide what you want here. And, you are asking the wrong question. The question isn’t “is my husband being unreasonable”, it’s “what do I need to do to save my marriage” (if that’s what you really want to do, which, based on your post, I question).
anonymous
Wrt the last statement here, do you actually want to save your marriage? It’s something worth thinking long and hard about, I think. Yes, you made a commitment to each other, but not all relationships are worth saving. Many are. Decide which category you feel yours falls into, come up with some idea in your own head how far you’re willing to go to save it, and move forward.
cbackson
I agree with a lot of this, but I disagree strongly that the OP’s actions mean (i) that she must accept anything her husband wants to be or do or say for the next couple of years and (ii) that she has to accept any ultimatum that she wants to set as the price of keeping her marriage. I also disagree that “she is the cause of this current situation.” It’s pretty apparent that this is a bad marriage. And I think that anyone who’s been married knows how enormously complex bad marriages can be. Is cheating wrong? Of course. But in a lot of cases, cheating is a symptom, not a cause. I’ve known a lot of people with bad relationships – including my own, failed marriage – and I’ve never seen a situation where there wasn’t a shared history of inflicting hurt.
Even when you’re badly hurt by someone you love, you have to decide whether to be a grown-up or not. Of course everyone’s entitled to a period of simply feeling and reacting to the hurt, but that period doesn’t get to last forever if you want a healthy life (whether with your spouse or apart from your spouse), even if you were the wronged party. Trust me, I speak from incredibly bitter experience on this point.
Anon for this one
On (i) – I don’t think she needs to accept everything but she needs to respect his feelings. I honestly believe in this situation if she put a good faith effort into a job search he would back off much faster than if she just called the request unreasonable. He is going to be irrational for a while. That’s how this works for the cheated on spouse and that’s okay. Part of the healing process is showing him that she loves him enough to tolerate a bit of crazy. See “How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair” (I think that’s the name of it).
(ii) Disagree. Cheating may be a response to other problems but cheating is always the cheater’s fault. There were probably a zillion ways OP could have handled whatever issues made her want to cheat that did not actually include cheating. She needs to own that. And lying for 11 years? What excuse is there for that? That was her choice and it was a bad one. Of course, we all make bad choices and a couple can definitely heal from something like this if they commit to doing so, but there really is no excuse for her behavior and if she attempts to make those excuses, she’s just going to create more problems.
And, if here there is a “shared history of inflicting hurt” she shouldn’t be worried about the reasonability of the work request. She should just end the marriage. My comment assumes there’s enough good stuff there to have this discussion at all.
cbackson
I didn’t say that cheating is an okay response to a bad relationship. It isn’t. But it’s far too simplistic to say it’s her fault, without accepting that he may be at fault for things as well. One of my very best friends is married to a man who calls her fat, belittles her, and has so undermined her self-worth that she’s a shadow of her former self. She cheated because she wanted to feel affection from someone, and wanted to feel attractive. Whose fault?
And I think that in any long and difficult marriage, there’s a shared history of inflicting hurt. Do you really think that she’s simply a cruel monster and he’s a defenseless victim? Or can you see a possibility that there might be bad stuff flowing from both sides here?
irene
Still her fault… you can’t just point to the other person and say its your fault I cheated. She should have divorced him and then dated to feel affection and attractive.
I’m sure there is bad stuff from both sides here. The thing is it doesn’t really matter if its unreasonable request or not. The important thing is what are you looking for here OP. If everyone says its unreasonable, are you just gonna go to your husband and say its unreasonable so no. He knows its an unreasonable request. He is feeling unreasonable. Try to take the job out of it and pretend he asked you to go run across the entire country and back to save the marriage. How would you answer that request? I think the best way would be to say well I can’t do that right this moment, because I am untrained and don’t have the equipment. But I understand that this is important to you to build trust. I am going to start the process by buying running shoes (update your resume) and do some small runs around the neighborhood (talk to your alumni association career services). In the mean time, continue with therapy. See where you are in 3 months and if you feel like you want to save the marriage.
Its important that you realize that he doesn’t really mean “quit your job” He does and he doesnt- he means show me you understand the depths of my pain. Show me you understand that what I am going through is worse than youd feel if you quit your job. Show me you are invested in the relationship and want to work through these issues.
It sounds like there is a whole bunch of other issues in the marriage, so think long and hard if you want to still be married during the therapy process.
JJ
I think you’re making bright line rules right now that are not necessarily true, anon. If my husband cheated on me years and years ago and would never cheat on me again, I think I’d rather not know about it at this point. It depends on the couple whether never disclosing the cheating that happened 11 years ago is an unforgivable sin.
Anon for this one
The cruel monster/defenseless victim thing is just too extreme. Of course that’s not the case. I don’t disagree that her husband shares responsibility for their marriage having some serious issues. Of course he does. But the cheating is 100% her choice and her fault. It may be understandable given the circumstances (like your friend) but that doesn’t make it not her choice and something she needs to be responsible for.
Anon for this one
JJ- Totally see your point. The problem with that is what happened in OP’s case. Maybe she decided that her guilt was her punishment and all that and she was going to just live with it and not hurt her husband by confessing. But, unfortunately, she ended up telling him and any pain she thought she was sparing him was instead inflicted and compounded by the 11 years of dishonesty. If you can pull off this kind of secret I can see how it could be a compassionate thing to do but in this case it only made things worse. For what it’s worth, I don’t think any of this is an “unforgivable sin” but the OP needs to own the sin (and eventually her husband needs to own his too!) to get over it.
Anonymous
+1 to Cbackson.
“And lying for 11 years? excuse is there for that?”
I’m not saying this is per se the right approach but.. just a hunch… she probably wanted to spare the person she loved additional pain if she felt like they could work out the underlying issues. Maybe it’s because she’s a total soulless monster demon, but Occam’s razor says she probably just wanted to avoid hurting him if at all possible.
cbackson
I think we’re actually talking past each other, as I think about it. I think we all agree that cheating is never the right response to a bad marriage – no one is at fault for the cheating but the person who made the decision to do that. I think the point that I’m trying to make (and as I read your comments, I don’t think you disagree) is that fault for the cheating and fault for the state of the marriage are different. The decision to cheat is one person’s actions, the fact that the marriage is in bad shape is the result of both parties’ actions.
Annie
+1 to irene’s comment upthread.
He isn’t actually asking you to quit your job. He’s asking you to acknowledge his pain, and do whatever you can do to gain his trust. If that’s what you want to work for, then it’s going to take some work and some things that you might not want to do.
And even after doing those things, it might not be enough. Only time will tell.
And only you know whether the relationship with him is worth it.
But I don’t think going to him and saying that a bunch of my girlfriends online said he was being unreasonable is going to do much.
Super-anon wife
Most of this is fair enough, I did lie by omission (and directly a few times when he asked me) for the last 11 years. And you are exactly right about how he sees things — he has told me that almost everything in our home is painful for him to look at and he has taken down most photos of us or of me from the entire house, except a few with him and our child (now a college student out of state).
About the job, I can’t really describe it in much detail without probably outing myself but it is quite specialized; we are the only firm of this type within 50 or 60 miles and have clients around the state and nationally. And if I continued in the practice area (for another firm or in-house), he would have the same concerns, so there is no possibility of a professional improvement for me if I leave this firm. It would have to be a complete new start — maybe going to a non-profit or trying to be a magistrate or a mediator or something.
Part of me wants very much to save the marriage both because I do love him – if not in the mad passionate way he wants – and, frankly, because it is daunting to even think about separating and unwinding 27 years of a life together, not to mention the financial issues. But we were having issues (trust, communication, a certain disconnect on what each of us wants and needs from the relationship) long before this, which makes it harder to make such a huge sacrifice for a marriage that has been far from perfect.
Anon for this one
Just my $0.02 on this. I’ve been in a similar position to your husband (you may have already guessed). It was 4 years not 11 but it sucked. We are much better now. I was unreasonable for a while. The only thing that helped was him owning his mistake and taking my feelings seriously. I’d bet serious cash that if you started showing your husband you were actually looking into career alternatives and talked with him about the pros and cons the conversation would go (1) “maybe this one isn’t the right opportunity, but I appreciate that you considered it and you should keep looking” repeated several times followed by (2) “I didn’t realize how great your current job was/hard it would be to replace, maybe you should stay.” Let him get there on his own. Don’t force him. Especially now. Of course, I caveat all of this by saying you really should decide whether you can overcome the other issues or if you want to.
Killer Kitten Heels
Anon, I think you’re giving the husband too much credit here, because of your own personal experience. Nothing about “he was installing tracking software on my personal computer to read my deleted emails” says he’s going to come around to a reasonable conclusion that OP doesn’t need to leave her job if she just puts out a few applications/networks whatever on his own, to me.
Anon for this one
KKH – You may be very right. But OP won’t know unless she gives him the opportunity to show he can be reasonable. I don’t think sending a few resumes, networking, etc. just to make her husband feel heard is asking too much. If he insists she take a completely ridiculous job just to satisfy his own issues, then OP should draw the line. But yeah, OP needs to decide if she wants to put that kind of work into a marriage with a guy who installs tracking software. I have no advice or clue what would be best for the OP. All of my comments start from the basic assumption that the goal is to stay married.
JJ
By the way, Anon for this one, I’m sorry that you also went through something similar.
Former Partner, Now In-House
1. I’m pretty sure any good therapist will tell you both that rebuilding trust has many components and that your quitting your profession is not necessarily one of them.
2. Don’t quit your job/stop practicing your profession. You are likely going to need the money and the satisfaction of a job well done when you realize that you are responsible for yourself, not for your husband. That sounds harsh. All I’m trying to say is that you ought not cut yourself off from a part of your life that is so important to you in so many ways. I did this 12 years ago, and I still regret it.
Anonymous
Girl. Use this time to get a kick ass lawyer so he doesn’t bleed you dry in the divorce you know is coming. You do to love him. Your marriage is over and I’m willing to be the next stage in your life is going to be so much better than this. You let him be crazy and you be crazy like a lawyered up fox about making a plan for the future.
Senior Attorney
I tend to agree with this. Protect yourself legally and financially and don’t let guilt keep you from getting what you are entitled to in the divorce, which I agree you probably know is coming.
Anon
+1 after years of trying to make a bad marriage work, I ended things. Today, I have met the love of my life who is perfect for me and I am so much happier than I ever thought possible. Give yourself the gift of the rest of your life. It will be tough and messy and hard, but possibly brilliant in the end.
Anon
I concur in the dissent. I feel very bad for the situation you’re in, and I understand why it would feel unreasonable or unfair. However, 2 things:
(1) IHO, the focus right now should not really be on what’s reasonable or what’s fair. Because either way, the real question — i.e., the one with real consequences — is whether you’re going to put your marriage first or your career first. And I don’t think there’s a “right answer” to that question. It’s completely up to you. I only bring that up because, unless your husband changes his mind, debating whether or not he’s reasonable isn’t going to get you anywhere.
(2) Even on the “reasonableness” question, I agree with some commenters above that your husband has the right to be unreasonable right now. I think you would agree (judgment aside) that you were not being reasonable when you had an affair — why should your husband be reasonable now? And fundamentally, marriage and family go deeper than reasonableness.
I’m very sorry that you are going through this, and I wish you the best.
AnonNY
I think you raise some valid points but the whole “lie by omission” thing, I can’t agree with. Technically, sure. But confessing an affair is not always the right move. If H had an affair and it was over and he was going to re-commit to our relationship, I don’t think I would want to know about it. I think him telling me would be to relieve his guilt by coming clean but it would make me miserable. I would much rather not know. If I found out years later, I’d be devastated but if I never found out, I’d die a perfectly happy woman.
Anonorama
I’m pretty certain my H cheated (or at least had an emotional affair) early in our marriage. I have no proof other than changes in behavior and my own gut instincts, but I can tell you I felt it when he chose the marriage over whatever else had been going on, and he has now been a committed, dedicated, loving partner for many years since that point. If he wanted to confess about that affair tomorrow, I’d be inclined to refuse to hear it. Not knowing for sure if it happened/not knowing who it was is how I’m able to appreciate who he is and who we are now, without getting mired in what may have been in the past. I know my POV is not entirely rational (because, I mean, it happened whether I know about it or not), and I know it’s probably not shared, but to me, getting “the truth” and dealing with the accompanying hurt and devastation seems like cutting off my nose to spite my face.
Super-anon wife
Truly, I never thought I would tell him. The therapist said there are two schools of thought on this — that it should come out in the open or that the former cheater should keep it to herself and live with it. (She looked pretty pointedly at me on this comment.) The latter is what I should have done, even though it might have remained a lie by omission.
I really regret telling him, because it caused so much unnecessary hurt. We still probably would have gone to therapy, and maybe even split up, but now he feels that I have ruined all these years of memories and of course he will always consider that the reason for our increasingly likely break-up is my cheating, not our multiple, longstanding problems or even simply growing apart.
cbackson
My ex-husband told me, in the course of our divorce, that he’d never actually loved me, and that he’d married me because he was in his late 30s and wanted kids and was afraid he’d never find someone, so he picked me because he thought I was someone he could live with and I’d be a good mom. And he didn’t tell me because he was angry (he initiated the divorce, out of the blue, with no forewarning – I was completely shocked). He told me because he thought I “deserved honesty.” And I really wish he hadn’t, because it *did* taint those years of memories, and it took me a really long time to stop dwelling on that in my head. So I very much get how you could make the decision that you did.
I think that sometimes, honesty isn’t the best policy – kind dishonesty is.
Wildkitten
CB, that sure sounds like the kind of thing someone says during a divorce because they want to hurt the other person as badly as they hurt, not because it’s true and they think the other person deserves honestly.
Anonymous
Dear Super-anon Wife,
For right now, in this moment, have compassion for yourself–the person you are today,more person you were at that time. Have compassion for your husband, despite his behavior.
You cannot undo the past, judging it isn’t helpful. What is important is what you do next.
Then–don’t do anything you cannot easily undo. You can move out temporarily, you can retain counsel, you can think about looking for a new career. But that is it–just consider, but don’t do anything permanent. Emotions are high right now, and too much is unknown. Just one step at a time, and do things just for now until you both gain some distance and equilibrium. You can’t foresee the future, so for now, jus take care of now and be kind to yourself.
cbackson
WK, I totally get how it sounds that way – I can’t, without giving up some of my ex-husband’s privacy (and my own – there are folks on this board who know me in real life) explain why I’m certain that wasn’t the case, but I’m pretty confident that he really (and misguidedly) thought that the divorce would actually hurt less if I knew that.
Pretty Primadonna
I understand why your H made the ask at this particular point (freshly hurt feelings, etc.), but this would be unreasonable to me. I also think this would not help in his trusting you again and that as time went on, he would make even more demands of you in terms of things you can’t do because they make him insecure about the relationship.
I don’t really have any advice, however, I am sorry this happened and I wish you both the best.
Little Red
Do you even want to save this marriage? How happy have you and your husband been during these twenty-five years? The fact that he went so far to find evidence of your cheating suggests to me that he’s gone off the deep end.
Anonymous
My concern is that he’s asking you to do something that could make you financially vulnerable. It seems like you’re well established in your career such that it may not be that large of a concern to you, but I don’t think that it’s ok for him to ask you to risk your financial solvency (current and future) to ease his concerns. That’s different than asking for check ins, not spending time with a former AP, open communication, etc. I mean… if you look for another job then you’re still around men, so his trust issue will remain and the problem won’t be solved. If you don’t get another job, then you’re not around other men, but then you’re home alone, career=less, and financially in a worse place. I think that is troubling.
AKB
The reality is that you may very well get divorced (though I hope you live happily ever after, I really do). If that happens, you will be SOL if you abandon your career. Please – don’t quit. Hang in there.
Meg Murry
Last weekend thread I said my job would probably be gone in 30 days, and I was pretty frustrated by it (thank you for indulging in my pity party). Today I learned that yes, absolutely, it will be done in early February with no hope for an extension and I’m devastated and just want to bawl for days.
However, I just found out that a good friend in our town just had a house fire and lost everything. So I feel like a terrible person complaining about my own loss of a job that I always knew was temporary when compared to this family going through a real crisis. So thank you internet friends for listening to me complain (and probably future complaints about the job search or being unemployed), since I can’t do it with my IRL friends without appearing like a whiner.
Meg Murry
And FYI, I only work part time and I am done for the day – so no snark on how I am here commenting all the time so how could I do my job, please.
AnonLawMom
This made me laugh. It sort of reminds me of how I imagine men feel when they see someone they know at a strip club or something – like, uh, code of silence because we are both here.
So sorry about your job! Putting things in context is helpful to me too, but it still sucks when something like this happens, even if it could have been worse. Hugs!
Baconpancakes
Other people’s problems don’t make your problems go away. It’s good to not complain to IRL friends right away with such a devastating loss as a house fire in everyone’s minds, but it still sucks. Internet hugs.
Anon
+1 Just because your hardship isn’t as great as theirs doesn’t mean it isn’t a hardship. Sorry you are going through this!
JJ
Oof. I’m sorry. Feel free to vent away.
SmartCasual
Meg hugs to you and your friend. Better days ahead for you and her. And me I hope.
anonymous
DH is out of town visiting his parents for the long weekend. I love him dearly but I’m crazy excited for some time to myself. I don’t have friends in town (moved to a new city recently) and I have a ton of work to do. Otherwise, what would you do if you had a weekend to yourself?
First Year Anon
Sleep in, do my nails, workout, eat whatever I want, just enjoy the silence!
JJ
This, exactly. Maybe stay in bed all day. Maybe spend an hour browsing the upscale, specialty grocery store for fun and to get something for dinner that my husband wouldn’t eat. Watch as much trashy TV as I could squeeze in to my free time. Dance around the house to whatever music I want. I’d also buy a fairly nice but not too expensive bottle of red wine, all for me.
Before kids, my husband worked out of town Monday through Friday. Sometimes he would have to stay over the weekend. I missed my husband like crazy, but there’s something to be said for doing whatever the heck you want.
NYNY
It’s been awhile since DH has been away, but I love it when I get the time to myself. I would read a book (uninterrupted!), eat foods he’s not into, and sleep in the middle of the bed!
Anon
My fiance is out of town this weekend. My plans include eating meals he isnt into, watching all the British dramas in my PBS and Netflix queues, and tackling some home organization projects.
Anonattorney
Pretty much this, except I wouldn’t do the home organization projects. I would probably get fried chicken (I actually don’t have body/food issues generally, but for some reason I get weirded out by eating fried chicken in front of other people), a bottle of red wine, and ice cream. I would gorge myself and then fall asleep watching North/South. I haven’t had a whole weekend to myself in a while, so I’m not sure what I’d do with the days.
Anonymous
Go to yoga, eat sushi, watch everything Bravo has to offer, read, eat cereal for dinner.
Annie
Yeah, forget PBS. I’d be all about Bravo. No shame!
Sparrow
Sleep in. Stay in my PJs all day. Watch makeup tutorials and cat videos on YouTube. Stay in one place and read to my heart’s content.
If I feel like getting out of the house, maybe see a movie or try a new restaurant.
Baconpancakes
I don’t live with my SO, but with a flatmate, and if I had a weekend with the apartment without her, and with no social obligations, I’d probably do the Magic of Tidying Up steps, and drape every piece of clothing I own all over the entire apartment.
While drinking wine. And streaming Downton Abbey on the TV instead of in my room on the laptop because she’s at a different point in the series than I am.
AN
Massage/spa, sleep all afternoon, mani pedi, you get the general idea:)
Calico
My DH is gone for the weekend and tonight I am attempting to cut my own bangs. No way I would want him to see this drama!
Need to Improve
Sounds heavenly! Before kids when husband was out of town I would open a bottle of wine, watch trashy TV, and eat pizza out of the box. Morning would be gym and nails.
Marrying Staff
I did something that guys in my field do all the time: marrying staff.
Years later, my spouse does not work with me, but still knows a lot of people there (many of whom he liked, but some of whom are not our favorites). We’re having some work events to now involve spouses and they have been enthusiasticly received. But not by him. I get why he’s uncomfortable (and why it is less of a big deal, rightly or wrongly, had the genders been switched).
Any advice? Empathy? We have small children and getting a sitter is always an issue and I hate to waste sitter / couple time on a work event. I’d go solo, which he’d be OK with. Weird? Not weird?
anonymous
Go solo. I’d try to find a way to help him feel comfortable, but until then, there’s no reason to miss out on something you want to do. Not weird at all. I go to social events without my husband all the time. It’s not the most common thing; I find that others don’t do it unless their spouse is out of town or something prohibitive, but not weird. Just make an excuse for him. DH is wonderful at making excuses for me when I don’t want to go to stuff.
Kelly K
I came back from a longer trip with cradle cap. My derm explained it as build-up of dead cells, so I think it was caused by only coming my hair once per day on that trip, instead of my usual blow-dry-round-brush routine, which probably gets the dead skin cells off. I have seen something on here about some special brush (MP?) – do you think it would help with this problem if I used it at night?
Meg Murry
Maybe also due to harder or softer water on the trip than you are used to so your regular products didn’t act the same?
I was having an ongoing problem with either dry scalp or product buildup, and I made a hot oil hair mask of 50/50 coconut and olive oil, spending extra time rubbing it on my scalp, and following up with SLS free and silicon free shampoo and conditioner and a vinegar rinse- and I’m pleased to say 1 week later I have not had dry scalp/flakiness since! My ped also recommended coconut or olive oil for my baby’s cradle cap, so maybe it could work for you? I’ve heard that coconut oil can mess with dyed hair though, so maybe just straight olive oil if your hair is dyed? Links to follow to crunchy Betty’s hot oil treatment
Meg Murry
Part 1: I only used olive oil and coconut oil with some rosemary and sage, and had tons left over – so I’d suggest just starting with heating 1 tablespoon of oil total http://www.crunchybetty.com/the-secrets-to-a-phenomenal-hot-oil-hair-treatment-part-1-creating
Meg Murry
Part ii: how to apply and use
http://www.crunchybetty.com/the-secrets-to-a-phenomenal-hot-oil-hair-treatment-part-2-indulging
There is a recommendation in the comments for using an egg mask to get th oil out that I would NOT recommend – I tried it once and I feel like it made my hair dried and defeated the purpose of the oil treatment
Anon
I literally never brush my hair/scalp, I just detangle with a wide comb in the shower, and I’ve never had cradle cap. Did your doctor tell you this is from lack of brushing or are you just guessing, because that doesn’t seem right to me.
Kelly K
I’m just guessing. Now that I’m thinking about it a bit more, I was always almost rushing in the shower (trying to use hot water while it was available, or trying to hurry because I was traveling with others), so it’s possible I did a crappy job of rinsing product out.
Wildkitten
I’m really into skulls for the office, if anyone has other suggestions of work appropriate skulls. I own one McQueen skull and that’s my entire McQueen budget for this decade.
Baconpancakes
I have a great teal cotton scarf printed all over with tiny skulls from Target.
And not skulls, but related – a pair of gold-toned snake vertebrae earrings from Snash jewelry on etsy. I had to coat the backs with clear nail polish to seal them as I have very sensitive ears, but I love them, and most people have no idea they’re vertebrae.
Wildkitten
Those sound awesome.
AIMS
Very subtle skull earrings: https://cools.com/products/pearl-skull-earrings-in-green-16511
Wildkitten
I did a search for skulls at Lord & Taylor (somehow I thought that was where the link to mcqueen was, but now I see it’s Neiman, and I like these a lot! They are probably too edgy for work. http://www.lordandtaylor.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/en/lord-and-taylor/sterling-silver-skull-stud-earrings
Idea
I think your office sounds really cool, actually. Like a pirate captain or something intimidating like that.
Wildkitten
Yes! That’s why I like skulls at work, for women.
CorporateInCarhartt
I like this concept. What other kinds of subtle bad a$$ symbols can we work into our accessories?
Suit-level Tees?
deleted- accidentally posted twice
Suit-level Tees?
I know there have been discussion about this in the past but was hoping for an update: what is your favorite brand of “fancy” t-shirt that you can wear with a suit? Either a heavier knit, or a crepe, or silk blend. I have looked at all of my usual haunts and haven’t found anything I like. Halp?
Marrying Staff
LBH
They are usually sold for tennis, but are double-front heavy nylon / microfiber shirts and I adore them. Pricey, but am thinking of buying more.
Also, they run very small. I am a BR 4/ 4P and wear a medium. The S was very tight (OK for workouts, but not for work).
Sarabeth
I wear Ibex wool tees under suits. I think the fabric makes them look much more formal. Warning: some of the lighter colors can be see through (I’ve had no problems with the more saturated ones).
Meg Murry
Jones New York Silk shells – in between a T-shirt and a light sweater, and have short sleeves so you can take off your jacket.
Not a huge fan of the fact that these are recommended to be flat dried (and they do pill eventually if you don’t gentle wash and flat dry, as I found when I played laundry roulette with one I picked up from Goodwill) but when you treat them well, they last and look great.
http://www.jny.com/on/demandware.store/Sites-jonesny-Site/default/mSearch-Show?q=silk&searchBtn.x=0&searchBtn.y=0
Anonymous
I’m 30 weeks pregnant with twins and I.am.so.tired. I rarely feel rested in the morning between the peeing every 3 hours, random Braxton hicks contractions that are uncomfortable and sometimes wake me up, and my hips hurt so I have to roll over about every 1.5 hours. To top it off I’m really anxious about having and taking care of these babies and our nursery isn’t ready yet. I told my boss I was pregnant with twins at 9 weeks and kind of put the bug in his ear that “anything can happen” per my doctor. I could go on bed rest, etc. and that we should schedule everything to assume that I’ll be out at 30 weeks. I had a meeting with my boss on Monday regarding where I’m at on our huge annual project that I am responsible for and we still have about 4 more weeks (at 40+ hours per week) until we’re at a good spot. I’ve always been a great employee that will go over and above to make sure things get done. I got a glowing review in August and a great bonus. I’m feeling sooo torn between wanting to continue to be my super hero self and just slowing way down. I feel obligated to get this stuff done because it’s in my job description but I don’t want to put my health and the baby’s health in jeopardy by stressing out and being super woman. Any words of wisdom???? I don’t want these people to lose respect for me. I’m supposed to have a sweet part-time work at home gig after maternity leave with the same company. We’ll be fine if I don’t work so the part-time gig was more about me keeping my sanity and foot in the door professionally. But the other side of it is, will I look back 1, 2, 5 years from now and be SOOOO glad that I didn’t let people down and was super woman??? I doubt it. If I know myself right, I’ll be totally immersed in this new life that is my two babies and work will be lower on my priorities list and I’ll look back and think man I should’ve slowed down and taken it easier during that time. I should be enjoying this time….I think? HELP!!!!
I’m thinking I could make my doctor the bad guy? I could say my doctor has given me strict orders that I am to reduce my hours to 30 hours per week. I know she would give me letter stating such.
Any words of advice from those of you who have been there?
Wildkitten
Oh girl I have not been there but you are literally growing two humans. Try to find ways to cut yourself some slack and exercise some self-care. Can someone else finish the nursery? (DH, friends, neighbors, church ladies, task rabbit). Who do they have planned to pick up the load at work when you are on mat. leave? Start shifting to that person now, it’ll work out better for when you actually leave as well as for when you’re still there now.
kc esq
When I was pregnant with twins, my husband insisted on my working from home at least once a week at the end of my pregnancy. At my job, it’s always an informal option to work from home, but there’s an unwritten rule that it shouldn’t be used too much and I was always afraid of making a bad impression. But it was so worth it. I guess I’d say try to hold your own professionally, but don’t be a martyr.
Also, get two rock-n-play bassinets and forget about the nursery for now.
Anonymous
This. I know you want a nursery for Pinterest / FB reasons, but I can tell you that your babies will not know or care what the nursery looks like, nor will they even be sleeping in there for a while.
RDC
+1 on the Rock-n-Play. Literally the only place our baby would sleep for the first month. And now they have a self-rocking version, too, which would be totally worth paying extra for.
MU JD
Agreed. My twins slept in their bouncy seats for the first several weeks. I was put on bedrest at 31 weeks. Don’t overdo it so that you wind up having those babies too early. Drink lots of water, take naps and cut back on your hours. You will be glad you did.
Away Game
I was also working full time at that stage when preg with twins, but hit a wall at about 32 weeks and went to 20 hours, then stopped working at 35 weeks. Babies born at 37 weeks. My experience won’t be yours bur since you asked for advice from those of us who have been there: Babies are super resilient, and our bodies are designed to push them everything they need…occasionally at mom’s expense – which is why you are so exhausted, of course. Unless your doc is telling you differently, those kidlets are **just fine.*** If you can, stop worrying about them and worry just about you (yeah, I know), because it sucks to be sore and unable to sleep when you know you won’t be sleeping well either once they are here. You’re tired, hungry all the time (but your stomach is now the size of a walnut so you have to eat every 15 mins), you aren’t comfortable in any position, and everyone is giving you random advice like “sleep while you can!” HAH.
This coming week, make sure your transition plan is in place. Start offloading and reprioritizing. Tell your boss your physical situation is changing rapidly and you are working to priortize; you don’t want to leave unexpectedly so you’re working as quickly as you reasonably can but aren’t likely to be able to work full time for another 4 weeks. Then start slowly downshifting. Be a superstar for the next three days. Then do a bit less and take a longer break for the next two. Focus on those tasks that are most critical for you in particular to do, and offload others to the person designated to take your work when you leave. Are you doing anything that isn’t necessary, but is only nice to have (because you’re a star and you can)? Stop doing those things by the end of next week. Take long breaks in the afternoon, and plan for longer ones the following week. By moving now into transition phase, you ARE being your superstar self because you are balancing work and health and moving steadily to where everyone knows you need to go. For me, mentally planning that downshift and setting out specific executable steps also helped on those days when I just felt like I was at the end of my rope – because then “just until tomorrow” or “three more days, then I only need to…”
Good luck, and congratulations. Twins really are super fun.
anon
Only had singletons but even then my body was worn out by 32+ weeks. This plan sounds exactly right to me.
Good luck, OP!
Msj
Everything she said! Good luck and enjoy
– another twin mom
Annie
Bingo! I’m 18 weeks myself with just one, but I think this is the best advice. Start that transition now. You won’t make it four weeks without really hurting yourself (your babies will be fine, but quit being a martyr).
And my mom keeps telling me, “When you’re pregnant and tired, you just have to rest.” I keep remembering that.
MegB
Being pregnant with twins is hard on your body. I had appendicitis at 20 weeks and was on bed rest the remaining time, although I made it to 39 weeks. Long story but they were tiny so the doctor wanted them to stay in “the oven” as long as possible. Give yourself a break and start to slow down, even if it’s a little at time. Don’t worry to much about the nursery either. My twins shared a moses basket on the floor in our room and the a cradle in our room for months. They are 11 now so you will survive. Good luck!
Hollis
I had twins and was working more than full time as well, right up until delivery. Around 34 weeks, the doctor saw my cervix shortening, got nervous, and ordered me to stay off my feet (not bed rest, but work from home, laying down as much as possible, etc.). Laying down on the couch all day was harder than I thought it would be. I made it to 38 weeks and had to induce and everything went fine, but you have to be open to the possibility that you may not be available and it would not be a good thing if you were the only person who had certain e-mails/documents/etc. So, it would actually be better for your company and the project if you worked on transitioning work to a colleague now. I also agree with others’ comments about not worrying about the nursery. All we really needed during those first months was 1 crib (the babies shared it), 2 infant car seats (and a double snap and go), and 2 bouncy seats. Time would best be used now by getting your hair cut shorter if it’s long and unwieldy (long hair gets in the way of b-feeding and I hated looking for an elastic band in the middle of the night), getting some nursing bras (I recommend the bravado brand), and getting some comfortable pair of stretchy-waist pants to lounge in during the day. Good luck!
NYC tech
It’s your body, you should do what you want. With that in mind, this is intended as an anecdote, not advice. I’ve worked up until the day I went into labor through two pregnancies, and I’m so, so glad I did. Not because I’m superwoman or wanted to impress my co-workers, but because as uncomfortable as it was (and my job involved a significant physical aspect), it gave me something to occupy my mind instead of worrying about the baby and focusing on the various pregnancy ailments. I think in my case, I would have been so much more unhappy and anxious staying at home before the babies came. The fact that I didn’t get my nursery together actually turned out well too – gave me something to do during maternity leave, which was fun! Newborns sleep a lot anyway. For what it’s worth, these were uncomplicated singleton pregnancies, so your mileage may vary.
Marjorie
For counterpoint, I was going crazy at work by the end (then job was awful w irreg hrs) and thankfully got a doctors note at 38 wk. time off was amazing. My stress levels dropped immediately (husband was v grateful for and commented on this) bc didn’t have to pretend to care about work. I got to explore my city, cook, exercise, watch tv, see daytime movie, read, rest, socialize…not that any day was super active, but I got a little last hurrah each day. No regrets (and I had just 1 baby).
Vince Camuto Vala
Hi, someone posted about these this morning and I’m seriously thinking about getting two pair – can anyone say if they look good under pants (like straight leg/boot cut suit pants)? I’m hoping they will be the magic shoe that looks good with everything and are comfortable.
ANP
That was my post and YES I think they look good with everything. Magical bootie unicorn! Now I’m sad bc I need a size 7.5 in black leather and they’re sold out :(
AnonNY
Handy is on Gilt today and I am tempted to try. Any experiences, good or bad?
Anonymous
Love it. I’ve been using them for a year. Cleaners great. Life great now. Customer service not perfect but eager to please. It literally changed my life.
jc
I use Handy every other week and am pleased with it. Cost fits my budget.
The only complaint I have is that the professional can sometimes cancel at the last minute and they won’t send someone else, they will just reschedule. Normally I think that’s fine, unless you have a party or something you are throwing. It’s also annoying because you can only cancel up to 24 hours in advance without being charged.
Otherwise, I recommend it.
Zelda
I’ve been using it for about 9 months. With one glaring exception, they’ve all been pretty good. Customer service was good at making things right (including a refund for part of the service) when I had the one bad experience. Like anon, having a regular cleaner has changed my life!
roses
All around good. One time had a cleaner break something, but they sent someone from their repair service to fix right away.
Bad friend?
I’m debating about whether to attend a friend’s wedding, and I’m feeling like an awful for friend for seriously considering skipping it. I got married over 5 years ago, and this friend was a bridesmaid in my wedding. We’ve maintained a strong friendship, but I’m not a bridesmaid in her wedding. This is totally fine, and I have no issues not being in the wedding party. The wedding is in a hard-to-get-to location, with very little to do other than attend the wedding. Since I’m not in the wedding party, it’s not like I’ll be spending much time with her during the weekend, anyways. On one hand, I feel like we’re close enough friends that I can just tell her it’s a lot of time and money, but on the other hand, I feel like I’m being a bad friend and saying her wedding isn’t important. I haven’t heard if there will be other wedding activities like a shower, bachelor3tt3 party, etc. that I could attend, but it just feels ridiculous to jump through so many hoops to attend. FWIW, she and her fiance happened to be in our city for a family event, so they spent a few days with us last summer, and I happened to be in her city toward the end of the year, so we spent time together recently. We normally see each other less than once a year, but call each other every other month or so to catch up.
irene
I think it really depends on how much money how much difficulty are we talking. What is the flight time? Is it way out of your budget? I would never support breaking your budget for a wedding, but this kind of sounds like you just dont really want to make the effort- and thats going to sting for her a bit if she gets the same feeling I am getting from your post. I don’t think “very little to do other than her wedding” is a valid reason to not go at all.
Zelda
“kind of sounds like you just dont really want to make the effort”
This!
Zelda
Unless it’s a ridiculous destination wedding or you have legitimate financial or work-related reasons for missing it, she will think that you’re a bad friend or at the very least will re-evaluate how much you value the friendship, and in return how much she should value your friendship. It sounds like you view her wedding as an inconvenience. You’re not required to go, but the reality is that it will probably impact your friendship, especially since she was there for you (including financially) when you got married.
Anon
If she’s truly such a good friend, you should go to the wedding. Even if there isn’t a lot to do, you should be there to support her. That’s what close friends do.
Anonymous
I think if you still think of her as a good friend, you should go, no matter how much of a pain it is to get there.
I have a similar situation (someone that was a bridesmaid for me is getting married & I’m invited but not in the wedding), except that I’ve completely fallen out of contact with my former friend since she behaved badly at my wedding and don’t really think of her as a friend anymore. I wished her congratulations on her engagement, but that’s the only time I’ve reached out to her and she has completely not spoken to me since my wedding, including failing to acknowledge some big life milestones (nothing as significant as an engagement perhaps, but big birthdays & work accomplishments). Now we’re invited to her wedding, I assume purely out of a sense of obligation since I had her in my wedding. I sincerely believe it would not hurt her feelings in the slightest if we didn’t go and sent a very nice gift. In fact, she’d probably be thrilled. I do believe, however, that she would act incredibly hurt and make all our mutual friends believe I’m a monster who couldn’t be bothered to attend her wedding after she stood up in mine. Do I have to go?
Alice
Um, no, you don’t have to go. If your mutual friends will believe you’re a monster, maybe they shouldn’t be your friends. Actually, you can even skip the very nice gift and go with nice gift. Or adequate gift. Or whatever.
Senior Attorney re Mugs
This. If she’s not your friend, she’s not your friend and neither attendance at the wedding nor a gift is required.
SC
If it’s not reasonable for you to attend (the wedding is at a very remote or expensive destination, you have financial reasons you can’t attend, you’re having a baby that month), then of course you shouldn’t go. But if you just don’t feel like going, because it’s not your first-choice destination or it happens to take extra time to get there, make the effort, or at least expect this to affect your friendship.
FWIW, I really valued and appreciated the friends who came to our wedding. I’ve never thought, “I can’t believe he/she didn’t attend, what a terrible friend.” But five years later, I can see that, on the whole, DH have put more effort back into friendships with people who did travel and celebrate with us, even when we had to stretch the budget or use vacation days or get out of bed for a brunch or kid’s birthday party.
Anon
Go. This isn’t a hardship case it’s a lazy case. I’d be upset with you and I’m pretty lax with friendship demands. A wedding is one of the most major events in her life, you’re still close, and she probably did a lot of stuff for you as your bridesmaid. Sometimes in life you’ve gotta do something you don’t love doing because it’s meaningful to people who mean something to you. Go.
Katie
And if you don’t do, expect her to never think about you as a real friend anymore. I was MOH at my friends’ wedding. When I got married, they travelled to Europe instead. Friendship has not been the same since.
Fishie
Probably going to sound harsh, but don’t go. I feel sorry for your friend.
Anon for this
Following up on this mornings discussion about spousal weight gain.
My husband has always been a bit overweight. For reference, he is very large framed, like a linebacker, and, at 6’2″, probably weighed about 215 when we met and got married 4 years later.
His “ideal” weight according to BMI is about 190. I have not seen him below 210, which he got down to about 6-7 years ago. He looked fantastic at 210, and I honestly cannot see him down at 190.
He has been fluctuating between 220 and 250 for the last 4 or 5 years, but I am pretty sure he is about 260 now. He is definitely the heaviest he has ever been. That puts him well into “obese” according to our doctor’s weight charts.
I will be honest and say that I am not loving it from an attraction point of view. Of course, his looks are not the only thing I love about him and he’s a very attractive man, regardless.
He has started getting a bit of a “ledge” at the top of his mid-section.
I’m pretty worried. He’s only 46, does not handle stress particularly well. Blood pressure was tested recently and it was good. Our doctor also did some blood work which I suspect he has heard back on (I’ve forgotten to ask and he’s forgotten to tell me, which hopefully means it was OK). He did have borderline cholesterol issues in his 30s but resolved them without having to go on meds.
I’m kind of at a loss about what to say.
He works out sporadically. He bought a home gym, about 18 months ago, and has used it maybe 50 times.
Anonymous
Darling, I’m worried about you. I want us to talk about your health because I need you to still be here 20 years from now.
And then listen to him.
JJ
Agreed. And only bring it up once. He has to want to lose weight and get healthier. You can’t make him do it.
I also have found that modeling healthier behaviors will eventually start to kick in, as well.
Killer Kitten Heels
+1 to both of these, but wanted to expand on “modeling healthy behaviors” – it should be a mostly-silent thing, if you choose to go this route, not a showy “hey honey, check out my salad it’s so yummy” every night of the week. Express your concern honestly and clearly, once, and then go do you and let him figure stuff out (or not) in his own time.
Related aside – have you ever seen The Biggest Loser? I have lots (LOTS!) of problems with the premise and structure of the show, but I will say that there is a distinct difference between contestants who are doing it because they think they “should” or to win the money, and those who are doing it because a light-bulb has finally come on and they’re ready for real change, and no amount of badgering or cajoling or modeling of behaviors or anything else by teammates or coaches can move one of those “not ready” contestants to the “ready” side of things – it’s individual and highly personal, and people either “get there” or they don’t in their own time and their own way (even when on national television for the single purpose of losing as much weight as possible in exchange for a fairly large sum of money).
Be honest and clear with your husband, once, then back off and trust him to figure this out. If he asks for specific help (“Honey, please don’t buy Oreos anymore”), definitely give it, but it’s really important for him to lead the process, not you.
Killer Kitten Heels
Also, sounds to me like the root of all of this is “does not handle stress particularly well” – maybe talking with him about that is the opening you need. Is it a work-stress problem? How does he see himself resolving that? Is it a more general stress management problem? What about a counselor for help with stress-coping skills? Not everyone learns every adult life skill in the course of becoming an adult, and there’s nothing wrong with getting help with a particular aspect of adult-ing (like stress management) from a professional when the situation warrants.
Anonymous
I’m not sure BMI is always the best measurement. My husband’s BMI puts him very much in the “overweight” category, but he looks great (he’s honestly not chubby in the slightest) and he works out a TON and can run less than a 6 minute mile. Some people are just very broad shouldered and/or dense and I think the BMI calculator doesn’t work for them. I’m not saying don’t encourage him to get more active, I’m just saying don’t fixate on a particular BMI. My husband would have to lose 20 pounds to get to a “normal” BMI and I can’t imagine him being healthy if he lost that much weight, because it would all be muscle.
Anon
My brother is in a special forces unit. He, and many other members of his unit, have to do the water tank body fat measurement because by all other methods (tape, calipers, etc), they all end up as “overweight/obese” bc of the lack of distinction between muscle and fat using those methods.
Costco recs?
Hi ladies, I’m traveling and thrilled to be by a Costco. Any favorite non-food items you have to recommend? Would love any suggestions!
JJ
Oh, I could talk about this for hours.
Kirkland brand moisturizing shampoo and conditioner. (Allegedly) made by Pureology, but either way, I only use those now. They smell awesome and do a great job.
The bath towels there are huge, super soft, durable, and super absorbent.
If you have young kids, we always stock up on the clothes from Carters there.
Razor blades. I don’t know if it will make traveling more difficult, but I buy those giant packs of razor refills.
Kirkland brand medicine: ibuprofin, zantac, vitamins, mucinex, we buy it all there.
Senior Attorney
Check out the fine jewelry case. Some of my favorite earrings, rings, and bracelets are from Costco.
Costco recs?
thanks both! Wandering the aisles right now!
Blonde Lawyer
Kirkland Dog Beds but not something that would be easy to fly with.
Pretty Primadonna
Does liquor count? Kirkland’s Vodka is (allegedly) really Grey Goose. :-)
ETA: I think I posted this in the wrong place, but it is in reference to the Costco recommendations.
Anon
Haha I was going to say the same thing.
Mary Ann Singleton
Can someone recommend a tax accountant in the SF Bay Area? I’ve always just used TurboTax but this year it’s going to be complicated – with a rental property and some investments I sold. Thanks!
k-padi
Lina at Lina’s Tax Team in San Jose helped me respond to an ugly IRS letter a few years ago. She was super knowledgeable and professional. If my taxes were more complicated, I would definitely use her again!
Mary Ann Singleton
Thanks, k-padi! Looks like she has fantastic Yelp reviews too.
Baconpancakes
Home buying threadjack – favorite resources for first time homebuyers to familiarize with the process and ask the right questions?
Clementine
Honestly- the best resources I had were talking to people who had bought homes in the same area in the recent past. Coworkers, friends- ask and people are very happy to share their experiences. It’s something people love to talk about so just ask and they will share!!
Katie
Homebuying for Dummies. Really.
Annie
+1 on this one. I also used this book and felt very well-informed. There is also one called Home Selling for Dummies for when you sell! :)
CountC
A trusted real estate agent and lender. A good RE agent will not pressure you and will sit down and explain the process from soup to nuts. Same with a good lender. I sat down with all of my first-time homebuyers for a couple of hours and walked them through the process and the documents. I was always available by email, phone, and text to answer any questions they had if it came up and I always let them go at their own pace. If that meant they weren’t going to buy something until a year down the road, that was fine by me. I know some people think agents are going to bug them non-stop and pressure them into buying before they are ready, but a good agent will never do that. See if you can get referrals from friends who have recently purchased. Separately, if you want to talk offline, I am happy to do so with you. My anon email is $hitmensaytowomen at google mail, with the dollar sign being a real “s.”
Science Student
Just found out that my first paper got accepted for publication! My summer research mentor was first author on the paper, and he sent an email with the news out to the rest of us.
How should I respond to the email? My immediate reaction is like, “Yay! Can’t wait to come back next summer!” but I know that’s not very professional. I was the youngest author and only female author, so I really want to avoid sounding “girly”/young. Help!
I don’t think this is really field-specific, so if anyone has advice that would be great
Senior Attorney
Wow, that’s great! I’m probably no help, though, because I’d respond exactly as you did above, and I’m old enough to be your mother.
Anna
Yay! is pretty much my reaction any time I get a paper accepted. I agree with social scientist that’s a perfectly reasonable response, unless you’re working with very formal people. Congratulations!
Latte Tuesday
I do a fair bit of publishing in a male-dominated science field. A few years ago when I was getting my first big publications I felt the same way you do. It’s a great accomplishment- congratulations!! I am sure its the beginning of many more for you.
I would let your feelings come through but tone it down just a little bit.. something like:
Thanks for sharing the great news! I’m excited to see the paper in print. It was a great experience working on this project and I’m looking forward to working with you again next summer.”
It depends a bit on the field how much “girly-ness” is acceptable. In mine, a full on “yay” will probably be seen as cute and endearing by a research supervisor. In the short term, its totally fine. In the long term, you want to be taken a bit more seriously and its probably a good idea to drop some of these expressions that are a bit more child-like from your professional correspondence.
Jen
Congrats! I think even toning down “Yay” to “Fantastic!” or “Wonderful!” will make this professionally acceptable, regardless of the sex of the audience, while still conveying your excitement in a non-girly way.
anon a mouse
To your mentor, say that’s great! And for you: buy champagne. My adviser in grad school said that paper acceptances should always be marked with champagne (and brought a bottle into class one time when she was celebrating).
social scientist
Your first (and second and third and fifteenth) publication IS exciting!
You are young and a student, so any enthusiasm is going to be endearing…that enthusiasm from young budding scientists is very motivating for older scientists. So, I don’t think you need to be overly worried about being overly professional unless your mentor is a very formal, old-fashioned person. But in my experience even those folks are happy to get “YAY!” messages for publications or grants. You can take the lead of the rest of the co-authors if they reply all, but I think “Yay! Can’t wait to come back next summer!” is entirely appropriate in the context. (Maybe “looking forward to next summer” would tone it down a bit)?
PS – CONGRATS!!
Perfect non-suit t-shirts?
Any suggestions on where I can find soft, long t-shirts? I have some from H&M that I really like but I find their longer, stretchy ts tend to be scoop neck, and I prefer boat neck, v-neck, or crew neck. Long or 3/4 sleeve, hitting the average height, non-plus sized woman at the hip or lower. Not 100% cotton – looking for some stretch. I’m looking for ts for layering with jeans and leggings mostly. Under $40 average. TIA!
LilyStudent
Boden do some lovely thin t shirts for layering.
And no, they don’t pay me to constantly recommend them here, I wish!
Perfect non-suit t-shirts?
I love Boden too, and am always talking about them here! Unfortunately, their Ts are 100% cotton – I have huge “girls” and am a sleeve pusher upper, so I need something with some stretch. My 100% cotton Ts stretch out and lose their shape after one wear, so I end up washing them constantly and then they fall apart. I’ve bought pricey Ts that haven’t lasted 1 season, whereas my cheapy H&M Ts have been with me for years. I just wish they weren’t scoop neck! I’ve had some beloved LOFT Ts as well, but my GOD they shrink so much after 1 wash. Guess I can buy those and just never put them in the dryer, but then there are wrinkles and I have to spend time steaming the wrinkles out…#firstworldproblems
LilyStudent
I have a nice V-neck from H&M which I bought a couple of months ago – from their LOGG sub brand. Can’t remember the fibre mix though, so that might not help you, sorry
LilyStudent
Oh, also – are you washing and drying or just washing? I wash after one wear too and my good t-shirts don’t fall apart. My older Boden Breton top has been washed probably 50 times now and still looks as good as new. I use the 30 degree (celsius) wash cycle, and hang to dry. It tends to be the tumble-drying that destroys clothes.
Fishie
Yeah, I get lazy and dry in the dryer…a lot. My H&M, Splendid, and random TJ Maxx brand shirts tend to hold up fine. Old Navy, Loft, not so much. I do use low heat, but some of them just shrink up like a shrink dink.
LilyStudent
For me, air-drying is lazier than drying in the dryer – mainly because the dryer is down four flights of stairs!
Annie
I have some from Gap from a few years ago that have held up. I’d try Gap Body now, but probably in the fall or winter.
Amy H.
+1 on the Gap Body LS tee recommendation. Mine are holding up well (though I hang dry instead of putting them in the dryer as well).
Perfect non-suit t-shirts?
Thanks, gals. Just bought a Gap Body, a couple of Old Navy (40% rayon or something) and a couple ON slub cotton. And I swear I’ll (try to) stop putting my Ts in the dryer!
Psychiatrist in San Jose / Santa Clara
Hi, I’m looking for recommendations for a good psychiatrist in San Jose CA / Santa Clara, CA. My husband is depressed and he needs help. Preferably someone who also does talk therapy. We have quite good insurance so anyone who accepts PPO will likely accept ours.
Anon
Don’t have specific recommendation, but one of the struggles I had when I was dealing with severe depression was that when I tried to get help, all of the therapists were ‘full’ and not accepting new patients. Great, right? Spending two hours on the phone getting rejected when I am already highly depressed.
I’d suggest finding two or three that are accepting new patients (I remember using online sites with recommendations for my area), and then giving him the option to choose.
Also, check if your / his work offers any employee assistance services, they can also be very useful in locating a good psychiatrist.
Wildkitten
Similarly – if you are having trouble finding a therapist – enlist someone to help you find an appointment. Don’t give up when it’s hard. Ask for help. Everyone is available to help. Depression lies, and a big thing it lies about is to say you should give up on things because they are difficult. Ask for help.
unhappy
raise your hand if your office is open today
Rory H
OPEN! And busy (currently taking lunch).
Kelly K
Not open and working anyway. Yay.
Sydney Bristow
Ditto. Wearing jeans though…so there’s that v
DCR
+1
Miz Swizz
Open and trying to crush the to-do list today!
Jordan
Yup. Came in at 11 and going to lunch now.
Zelda
Open, and I have a work dinner tonight. Fml!
Parfait
I’m in the office and crabby about it. We did receive an email from on high saying that next year, MLK Day will be a company holiday, but I’m pessimistic enough that I’m sure they’ll take away one of our floating holidays to make up for it.
anon
Has anyone ever hired a stylist to do a closet makeover? They have a couple in my small Midwestern city that offer that service, basically they go through your closet, help you figure out what to keep and what to toss, what you have that goes together, and make a list of things you should buy. Wondering if it would be worth the money, I don’t know anyone who has ever had that done. I feel sure I have things to wear in my ridiculously packed closet, I just can’t find them. And I’m awful at putting outfits together.
Jordan
No but I have thought about it. I have saved the cards of the businesses/persons I have met that do it. What held me back is, I can’t seem to stomach the several hundred dollars it costs. Because I don’t need just the organization, I need the outfit building help too. That being said, it’s been a couple of years since I moved somewhere where my closet is the size of a hallway coat closet and I’ve been purging and trying not to buy unless it’s to replace ever since. This weekend, I got rid of a garbage bag of clothes using the “if I don’t absolutely love putting the clothes on, it’s gone” method and while almost none of those clothes that ended up in the bag were purchased since I’ve lived in the small closet apt., the ones that survived other purges but got the ax this time were mostly expensive name brand items (okay basically just not Target or H&M) I didn’t want to pitch because I spent so much money on them and never really wore them that much (yet). I guess what I am saying is in hindsight if I would have hired someone maybe it would have paid for itself in that I wouldn’t have bought a lot of things I won’t or don’t want to wear.
I’ve also commissioned a tough love girlfriend and my sister who are good at that stuff (organization and/or outfits) for a bottle of wine and lunch to help me go through the stuff I questioned in previous purges. I always talked about them coming to help with the whole closet but I am getting to the point where I don’t think I need it. Maybe for my clutches…
Pinterest has helped me put outfits together, asking my roommate’s advice, and laying out my outfits on Sunday evenings for the entire week. Also, did the backwards hanger thing a couple of times during each season and that would help me incorporate the stuff I like but don’t know how to use (because otherwise it had to go).
Interested to hear advice of other posters because aside from my own hindsight, I couldn’t ever muster the courage/money to do it.
TO Lawyer
FWIW, I’ve done similar things for friends. I actually find it quite fun so it doesn’t feel like work for me. Usually we have a bottle of wine and just start purging/putting together outfits. It’s gotten to the point with one of my friends that I can put an outfit together for her over text message because I know her wardrobe fairly well.
Do you have a tough love/fashionable friend who may be able to help? It may be a good first step.
Manhattanite
I’ve got a “festive attire” event coming up that I’ve been told means c*cktail.
1. Can I wear tights with my LBD, or am I better off with sheer black hose? It’s too cold to go bare legged.
2. Since I’m wearing something on my legs, I can’t go strappy for shoes. Patent leather pumps only? Or can a wear suede with a leather cap toe? (Link to follow)
Manhattanite
http://www.brooksbrothers.com/Captoe-Pumps/WF00272,default,pd.html
Serafina
Tights are fine. Those shoes are fine too (and pretty!)
To take notes or rely on memory?
I am job hunting and have a networking lunch this afternoon with a contact of mine. Just wondering, when at these types of lunches, if the contact suggests someone you should reach out to, an organization to join, etc. do you take out a notebook and write it down? Or does that seem rude/weird and you rely on your memory instead? If it matters, the notebook in question is a black Moleskin that doubles as my day planner.
Zelda
Definitely write it down! That’s the whole point of a networking lunch!