ByKat Hours Updated
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Weekend Open Thread

everlane merino u neckSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. Fun fact: I hate the color mustard.* So I ordered this sweater in black (it also comes in a dark taupe). But: I was excited to get the email from Everlane annoucing a new “luxe wool” (it's superfine merino) in a new shape, since I'm not a fan of their other sweater shapes. I like the slouchy cool vibe for the weekend, as well as quality at Everlane (especially considering the price — they still make one of the best $15 t-shirts you can get). This sweater is $60 (available in sizes XS-L — size up if you want the slouchier vibe). The Luxe Sweater U-Neck * I have, however, recently seen a ton of great combos of mustard with pale pink and gold — so if I didn't hate the color mustard, I'd totally try that. (Love the condiment, as well as the very brief song from Buffy re: mustard.)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

314 Comments

  1. As someone with cool undertones, I feel gratitude that it is reasonably easy to find clothing in flattering colors. Foundation for my dark brown skin is another story.

    Just wondering: what do women with warm undertones do when trying to find clothing, especially at work? There’s always tons of blue and black around, but not so much with yellow, orange, rust, mustard, brown, and other warm tones.

    1. That’s not true, I wear a ton of camel/cream, black, rust/burgundys, mustards, navy, etc.

      I actually find it pretty easy.

    3. Ok, I have had problems finding a patterned dark brown shirt that is not an animal print. Any advice?

    4. You’re right that a lot of workwear (and other mass produced fashion) tends to skew towards cooler colors. But warm colors are having a renaissance right now, see the rise of olive green and burgundy. Olive green workwear ftw!!!

  2. I want to love Everlane, but not while they top out at size 8-10. Kat, IIRC you’re repping for the larger end of the straight size spectrum. Would you mind sharing what size you take at Everlane?

    1. Scientific American Mind and Psychology Today are the only ones I subscribe too.

      Totally outide my field, so I find it interesting and relaxing to read.

    2. I’m a big fan of Every Day with Rachael Ray and Real Simple. I also have a variety of fashion/fitness magazines. Self, Fitness, Glamour, Lucky, Marie Claire, etc. I used to read Entertainment Weekly and then found it got too expensive. I’ve grown less enchanted with Lucky the last couple of years and probably won’t renew my subscription. But for most, it’s $10-$15 for an annual subscription and that gives me plenty of reading enjoyment.

      On months when I’m traveling or will have a lot of reading time, I like to spring for the Next Issue app, which gives me access to a ton of magazines. It’s not really cost effective to do every month, but definitely worth it on occasion.

      1. My public library offers magazines via the Zinio app, so I can choose from literally hundreds of magazines for free. I regularly read the Economist, Time and Business Week for news/business stuff. I also look at Better Homes & Garden, Family Circle, Good Housekeeping for recipes, decorating, etc. Then I pick and choose from whatever looks interesting at the moment. I get paper copies of Entertainment Weekly for my Hollywood fix (I got it for $10 a year) and my spouse gets Sport Illustrated.

        I’ve noticed that if you let a subscription lapse, they try to entice you to resubscribe and the cost keeps going down with each offer. Hence the $10/yr subscription to Entertainment Weekly.

      2. Zinio is the best -at our public library I can get Harvard Business Review, Consumer Reports, Oprah, US Weekly, National Geographic. It’s fabulous!

    3. Subscribe: The Atlantic, Oprah, Travel & Leisure.

      Read at the gym or online: The Economist, Real Simple, Self, Glamour

      Used to subscribe to Lucky, but I hate it now. And Real Simple is fun to read, but I found that it got repetitive after awhile. Love the recipes, though!

      1. I know! What happened to Lucky?! I wish the content would go back to how it used to.

    5. I’m a magazine junkie, so: InStyle, Allure, Glamour, Marie Claire, Elle Decor, CN Traveler, and Psychology Today. I also will buy Real Simple and People StyleWatch as airplane brain candy.

    6. I’ve been getting the New Yorker for years and love it. I love the exposure to short fiction, and I think the in depth reporting is awesome, and on issues I care about.

      I’ve cycled through subscribing to the economist and national geographic, I like both of them but don’t normally get to them often enough to justify the subscription. I like flipping through Vouge, Travel and Leiasure and gossip mags when they are around or buy one when I am on the road and have some downtime.

    7. Have converted some airline miles into magazine subscriptions, so this feels really decadent:

      New Yorker (love long-form journalism but they pile up fast!), Vanity Fair, Vogue, InStyle, Afar (travel magazine), Cooking Light, Harper’s Weekly.

      Have subscribed to but no longer: W (90% a duplicate of Vogue), CN Traveler (too much high end travel which isn’t relevant to me), The Atlantic (with the above, just too much to read!), Lucky (Two words: Shark. Shorts.)

      And then, to feel less guilty about all of those trees, I try to read them as quickly as possible and take stacks to my local library, which has a free magazine trade shelf in the lobby.

      1. Oh i missed the Why: I LOVE reading physical things I can hold (can’t do e-readers, sorry) and I like getting fashion mags bc I like pretty pictures and fancy things. ;o)

        I love reading, and learning about a lot of different topics, so I like how magazines let me learn about things I never would have thought of, but in short chunks, and then I can decide if I am so interested in something I want to pick up a book.

        And like I said above, I get a lot of these by trading in old airline miles, when I wouldn’t have money to pay for subscriptions, so that gives me a nice treat I wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford.

    8. Cooks Illustrated, Beer Advocate, and Runner’s World. Basically my three hobbies in magazine form.

      I also pick up People at the airport as my guilty pleasure.

        1. I love their center page. It has guidelines for stir-fry of all flavors, cooking eggs, roast veggies, etc. I’ve thought about laminating the really useful ones because I use them all the time.

    9. Oprah, Real Simple and Southern Living. I hate Oprah’s show(s) but her magazine is fantastic. Real Simple is very helpful and I miss the South, so I live vicariously through Southern Living.

      Love Cooking Light and Health, but don’t have enough time for more magazines.

    10. Garden & Gun is the only one I still get. The articles and photos are just amazing. I used to get Real Simple, but as said above, it gets repetitive.

      2. Looooooove Garden & Gun. It feels like they have some kind of pipeline directly into my brain.

    11. Esquire. It always has well-researched, informative articles about today’s issues that I often find useful in small-talky conversations. Also: DH is not a big reader, but will read some articles, so it gives us new, interesting things to talk about. Bonus: extra things about which to relate/chat with men at work.

      1. YES. Love Esquire. Don’t have the time to read magazines as much anymore so my subscription has lapsed, but I was a faithful devotee for years.

      2. I also really like GQ – which I buy as a gift subscription for my husband I’m the primary reader. It irks me that mens’ magazines have such stronger articles than women’s magazines.

        1. I completely agree. GQ has fantastic writing and it is witty, smart, and hilarious. It makes most women’s magazines seem really lame in comparison. I wish women’s magazines could have a sense of humor like that.

    12. Women’s Health because it was a free subscription.

      National Geographic because I’ve always loved their photos and stories across the globe.

      If I’m going on a cross-country plane ride I’ll pick up some brain-candy like Cosmo or Glamour – I like seeing pretty things printed on paper, and if I like an item I end up circling it and dogearing the page to look it up later.

    13. Currently I have 2 subscriptions:

      The New Yorker on my Kindle for commute reading. Excellent variety of well-written articles, and I love the cartoons.

      Lucky Peach quarterly in its physical form. Great writing loosely centered on food, but with a lot of different perspectives.

      If I’m flying somewhere, I’ll pick up other magazines in the airport if they appeal. Recently, they have included the Atlantic, Mother Jones, Wired, Psychology Today, Saveur, and Scientific American. I used to love fashion magazines – Elle, Vogue, Glamour. Marie Claire – but they seem to have become so celebrity-obsessed, and I rarely find good writing in them. Not sure if they changed or I did, but we’ve parted amicably.

    14. Other than journals I subscribe to for my work, I subscribe to the New Yorker for their long-form articles, Vanity Fair for the high-class gossip and the glossy pictures of pretty people, and Kiplinger’s for the financial tips. My friend gives me her copies of Vogue, which I read at the gym along with People, Women’s Health, and whatever similar things people leave behind. I keep thinking I should renew my long-canceled Atlantic subscription, because I often find myself reading their articles on line. I used to get Real Simple, but the issues all started to seem the same after awhile.

    15. I subscribe to Garden & Gun (hardcopy), Vanity Fair (electronic), Real Simple (electronic), and Bon Appetit (electronic).

      That said, I barely have time to read any of them!!

    16. I subscribe to The Week, The Washington Post and Writer’s Digest. I love Writer’s Digest! It’s geared for aspiring novelists and is super inspiring and just plain fun to read (the cover always looks not-so-great, though, but the articles are interesting if you are a former English major type). I also love Health.

    18. Yoga Journal, Fitness, Self, Teen Vogue and Elle. Teen Vogue because it’s super cheap so I haven’t cancelled my subscription, and the rest because I like and read them regularly.

      I used to subscribe to Elle Décor, but I recently stopped because I wasn’t reading them fast enough and they were piling up. Same with Vogue. I get Lucky at work (so I at least glance through it before putting it in the waiting room).

      I occasionally read my fiancé’s New Yorker. I used to read his Atlantic until he stopped subscribing. I enjoyed the Atlantic, so I’m think about subscribing myself.

      My parents got me a gift to Consumer Reports when I bought my house. I don’t read all the magazines cover-to-cover, but I read some of the articles and save reviews that might be useful in the near future. It’s nice to have the online access as well.

      It may not sound like it from this list, but I’ve started reading magazines less in the last 5 years since I’ve been reading blogs, and now following people on instagram.

    19. I use NextIssue now, which admittedly is not as satisfying as reading paper copies, but it ensures I get my Friday US Weekly + People brain candy. Other than those, I read Sunset (recipes and lifestyle envy), Vanity Fair (pretty pictures and usually one good in-depth story), InStyle (more attainable fashion), and Bon Appetit (recipes and lifestyle envy) monthly, and The New Yorker, Vogue, Elle Decor, and Dwell semi-regularly.

  4. So here’s a new one: My fiance and I have been looking to move into a certain neighborhood in our city. This neighborhood is small yet very popular, so places rarely ever come up for rent, and they tend to be on the pricier side (living there would normally be a bit of a stretch for our budget but we love the area and could make it work).

    Last night, through a friend of a friend, we got a tip about a house that was coming up for rent in that neighborhood at an incredibly low price. FI and I thought it was too good to be true, but I went to see it this morning and the home is incredible (the owner is highly motivated to find a long-term tenant ASAP, which is why the rent is more reasonable than usual). I even got to speak with the current tenant who confirmed there are no issues with the home or the owner (he lived there three years and is only moving because he’s getting married). It seemed like the perfect place for us.

    Long story short, I come into work and discover the catch: the house is literally right next door to our CEO’s house, who decides my compensation/promotion/etc. It’s a second home, so he lives there part-time, but still, he owns the home next door.

    On the one hand, I love the home and it’s unlikely that we’ll find something this great at this price in this neighborhood ever again (we’ve been keeping an eye on homes there for 9 months and have not seen anything close to this good of a deal). On the other hand, I have reservations about living right next door to someone so senior in my organization. My FI seems to think it’s worth making the move, but it seems a little weird to me.

    WWYD?

    1. Unless you think you might be a bad neighbor (loud parties, not keeping up with the yard, pet problems, etc), I’d say go for it. How many steps between you and the CEO? If he was your direct boss I might have more hesitation, but I still would do it and just be an extra good neighbor.

      1. He’s technically my boss’s boss – so not my direct boss, but not far off, either.

    2. I think it depends on your lifestyle. I lived a block away from someone in senior management, but in a different department. I had a roommate while some of my friends in the area lived by themselves, so any late night parties wouldn’t take place at my apartment (but then again, our late night parties were typically playing board games, so it might not have mattered too much). If you aren’t the type to typically cause issues with your neighbors, then I would probably go for it.

    3. Unless you regularly have loud house parties or pick up the paper in a skimpy negligee, or keep a busted car on blocks in front of your house I would do it :)

    4. This happens all the time in my mid-size city. People from my office tend congregate in a couple of neighborhoods and you often end up next door or down the street from a colleague on a different place on the corporate hierarchy. Of course, we also run into each other at the grocery store, at kids events, at school pick-up, while out exercising, etc. It’s really not that bad.
      Unless you are planning on being a terrible neighbor or sunning in the nude while he’s home, I wouldn’t worry about this.

    5. Do you share a wall? I’d be hesitant to share a wall with a coworker of any kind. Even if the insulation is pretty good, some noise or at least vibrations inevitably come through. I wouldn’t really want my boss’s boss knowing when I get up in the morning, when I take a bath in my Jacuzzi tub, when I have vigorous LGPs, etc.

    6. I’m not in the exact same position as you, but close — I work in an organization where many clients as well as high-level stakeholders and supporters live in my neighborhood/on my block. One is even next door! I find that people are pretty normal about it. I’m probably less-inclined to socialize with neighbors because of these existing relationships (don’t get me wrong, I still do it — just more carefully, if that makes sense). CEOs are people too and honestly, I’d see it as a good thing. You might bump into him/her on a more casual basis and get to know one other that way, which couldn’t hurt as long as you’re making a halfway decent impression.

    7. I’d only be concerned if you think he will assume you are rich rather than getting a great deal and will then decide you don’t “need” a raise. Hopefully “need” doesn’t matter anymore but to some people it does.

      1. This was my thought as well, especially because the OP specifically mentioned the potential neighbor determines her compensation/promotion/etc.

    8. Is there a back yard, and if so what’s the privacy fence situation? On summer weekends I’m outside in shorts and a tank top – not what I’d wear comfortably around my CEO (even outside of work.) Would privacy be a factor?

  5. I just need to rant anonymously.

    I’m in my mid-30s. It seems like everyone I know is engaged or pregnant. Every time I turn around there’s another big announcement. I am thrilled for these people. I love them, and they totally deserve every happiness. But I haven’t met anyone I’ve clicked with in months, so it doesn’t just feel like I’m behind. It feels like I’m not even in the running in the race of life. And I want that happiness, too. At this point I don’t even care about kids. I just want a partner.

    I’m doing all the right things (living my awesome independent life, getting set up, doing online dating, getting out there and meeting people and seeing friends and pursuing hobbies), but I just haven’t met anyone. I don’t mind, most of the time, because usually I have some hope that things will work out. But today I found out three friends are pregnant, I’m in three weddings in the next four months, and the last guy I went out with totally blew me off.

    Ugh, I just feel like a total loser, I don’t know how to fix this, and I needed to vent. Thank you for indulging me.

    1. I feel the exact same way. I’m generally pretty happy, but…I also just want a companion to enjoy life with.

    2. Um, I almost thought you were me for a minute. But you are not alone, I am in the same place and feel the same way. And I just don’t have the mental energy to even try dating right now, so I just don’t even know. Vent all you want, and I might do the same. Commiseration and Internet Hugs.

    3. I’m sorry. I know the feeling at it sucks. so. much. to be aware that you’re doing all of the right things (life! activities! dating! friends!) and still not finding someone…especially with the social media pressure cooker and (truly) an insane amount of pregnant friends and weddings. You are not a loser. Keep on being awesome, own your feelings, and lean on your support network when you need to.

    4. From the other side: I’m married, have a child and another on the way. I love my life. I have single friends and when I look at them I see people with what appear to be wonderful, fulfilling lives who have the free time to spend with friends, have hobbies, focus more fully on their careers, travel. You have something that I don’t, too.

      1. Except your version of life is the socially preferred one, and not one that your parents will nag you about. It’s not the same version of “I want that”.

      2. Oh hi! Please please shut up! This is what they mean when people complain about smug marrieds.

        1. I can see how this would upset someone who’s single and wants to be partnered, but I don’t think this is what people mean re: smug married people, who are the worst.

        2. Oh hi! Please go to a different blog where telling people to shut up is acceptable. See e.g., Reddit, 4Chan, etc.

      3. I totally get that. Some of my married friends have said as much to me. I guess no one has it all.

        1. Yep, no one has it all.

          However…my friends with a spouse and children can decide that they absolutely, positively, need a day (or weekend) to themselves to recharge, relax, and just do whatever the heck they want for 24-48 hours without having to answer to anyone. Whereas a singleton can’t decide to get to spend a weekend being a loving family unit, complete with spouse and children.

          1. This. Also, getting married and having kids at the sacrifice of freedom was a CHOICE they got to make. But for those on here who actively want a partner and/or kids, it’s often not a choice to not have it and live the super-like-fun looking single life.

          3. PREACH. And I agree with others that the “shut up” above was a little over the top, but I think that Anonymous at 2:45 is totally right that the “From the other side” view is right in line with smug marrieds’ comments generally.

          4. Yes, yes, I have folks lining up at my door to take my 6 and 3 year old for a day or the weekend All. The. Time. Hahahahahahahahahahahna……..

          5. LOL it is truly hilarious and reflective of the fact that you don’t have children that you think parents can take 24-48 hours to themselves anytime they want! I don’t even have children and even I know this is preposterous.

          6. I think it depends on the family. I know people that never leave their kids even for a few hours (outside of school/daycare) and others that regularly have the kids stay with grandma or auntie to go away for the weekend. Or grandma or auntie just really wants the kids for the weekend even if the parents don’t have plans. I see this more w/ big families that still live close together. If I ever have kids, I won’t be that lucky. I have a small family and live pretty far from them.

    5. Yay! Open thread’s! I love Open Thread’s, but do NOT like MUSTARD colored clotheing. It’s color realy remind’s me to much of baby poopie. FOOEY!

      As for the other singel OP women lamenting on this thread, hug’s, but we are ALL in the same boat. No realy good men worthy of us as business and legal profesionals. Men are very imature and self centered. For so many men, it’s wam bam and out the door leaving you to clean up after them. That is NOT what we are interested in. We want a guy who will be there for us, not just drop a load and leave. That is why all these men keep lookeing at younger women, b/c they are just interested in the same thing’s. Being taken to sunny places like St. Bart’s, where all they have to do with these slimey men is to have all kinds of riskey sex with them and keep those slimey men’s winkies happy. As long as they don’t get pregenent, all is well, and the guy’s get all the sex that we won’t give them. But 10 year’s later, those women will be like us, but WITHOUT the profesional degrees. If they are still singel at our age, no man (other than a geezer) will want them b/c they have no profesion and they will be shopworn.

      But as for us, at least we are profesional and in good standing in our bar association’s and have something to fall back on. We can work for a living and do not have to hang around bars lookeing for guy’s to buy us drink’s and dinner in exchange for sex. DOUBEL FOOEY on that!

      My dad is workeing real hard to find me a guy so that I will NOT have to keep lookeing at the same loosers over and over again. But it is NOT easy to find a guy worthwhile who wants more than sex in six different way’s on the same date. Whenever guy’s start talkeing about what they can do and how they can do it with me, I just walk away, b/c there is NO WAY I will let those loosers start using me as a pin cushion for their winkie’s.

      I encourage all women to take my attitude, and stay healthy, and use a FITBIT to keep your tuchus size down. It is then that you will find a decent guy when you least expect to. Good luck to all of us. Not all of the men out there are frog’s! YAY!!!!!!

      1. Agreed, and I think it’s that timing paired with the fact that (at least here in my frigid city) there’s so little else going on that it feels like you spend more time cooped up indoors facing down those announcements instead of enjoying a long walk or a festival or one of life’s other outdoor little pleasures.

        Really enjoyed that Awl article. I love Ask Polly, but I hadn’t seen that one before. Thanks!

    7. It sucks to be doing all the things you are “supposed” to be doing and not getting any results. When I got into these funks, I would take a “dating hiatus” of at least a month, if not 3-6 months. It took the pressure off and freed me up to focus on taking care of me instead of putting so much time and effort into online dating.

      Nurture your awesome self!

    8. You know, I’m all over the map on this.

      Some days, I’m so happy with my crazy single girl life – awesome job, friends, tons of disposable income, the financial means and the freedom to take trips to amazing places, the time to really invest myself deeply in a couple of volunteer/civic things that are incredibly important to me, and the ability to sort of wake up every day as sole master of my fate and captain of my soul.

      Some days, I long to have someone to come home to and feel like I’d happily trade that freedom for the bonds of love and a family, and it feels SO hard to see yet another twee Facebook pregnancy announcement, ring-finger close-up, or happy family photo album. And I wonder why I can’t seem to find that person that *gets* me and that I *get* in that way that equals love and security and all that.

      And some days, I remember what it was like to be married, and how lonely it is possible to be in the midst of marriage and family. Oddly, those are the best days, because those are the days I’m most at peace – the days when I remember that the distance between appearance and reality can be as wide as the sea.

      I suspect you know that not all your married friends are happy; that marriage and parenthood can contain unspeakable disappointment and loneliness and heartbreak. As someone who’s been on both sides of this coin, it is the case that unhappiness in marriage and (I suspect) unhappiness in parenthood are things that very often go unvoiced, out of a sort of fear that if you speak of that devil, up he jumps.

      But you know that. You know that this stuff is complicated and messy and no one is happy all of the time, and, I hope, you know that you’re not in the slightest a loser. You’re just one more sometimes-okay, sometimes-not-okay person, trying to make it through, and a lot of us are right there trying to make it through with you.

      1. As someone who is separated and about to divorce, I second this. I married at 26 and now I’m 30 and single. I was miserable for most of my marriage. I’m apprehensive about what’s to come now for sure, but I know that this state of apprehension is also a state of possibility and it’s so much better than the oppression and despair I felt when I was married. And there wasn’t anything *wrong* with my husband. He could’ve treated me better and been more present, but in the end, it just didn’t work between us. At all.

        I agree that looking at how happy other people are in their marriages and families can be difficult. On the other hand, I also know that it is possible to be utterly unhappy in a marriage that appears to be going swimmingly to the outside world.

        1. “I know that this state of apprehension is also a state of possibility.”

          This is so, so true.

      3. Thank you for this thoughtful post. I loved this:

        ” I’m so happy with my crazy single girl life – awesome job, friends, tons of disposable income, the financial means and the freedom to take trips to amazing places, the time to really invest myself deeply in a couple of volunteer/civic things that are incredibly important to me, and the ability to sort of wake up every day as sole master of my fate and captain of my soul.”

        You described the good parts of this life so much better than I could have expressed it. I’m going to reread this the next time I’m feeling down.

        Here’s to muddling through the ups and downs!

      4. Out of many excellent posts on thissite, this may be my favorite. Beautifully put.

    9. Ugh. This is hard. Since you are doing everything you can do practically (which is awesome!), the only thing you can do is try to adjust your outlook mentally. I would try:

      1. Remember that it really only takes ONE person. When you are in the thick of dating, it can feel so impossible, but remembering that it only takes one good match to come along used to make me feel better. In other words, there are very few steps in between where you are right now and where you hope to be — it’s just a matter of meeting one person, which could happen tomorrow. The day before something life-changing happens always feels like a regular old day.

      2. As much as possible, try to come to terms with the fact that our lives often just don’t match up with our expectations. Maybe you will not meet and marry someone in your 30s, but will instead spend your 30s doing other awesome things, meet someone amazing when you are 42, and spend the next 50 years having a life that’s better than you ever could have imagined. People who happily marry at 30 will ALSO have to deal with the reality that their lives don’t match up with their expectations — their partner may die suddenly at age 45, or they may not be able to have children, or they may lose a child, or struggle with addiction, or any of the other terrible and unexpected things that happen to people. My point is not that “it could be worse,” but that ALL humans have to struggle with the gut-wrenching realization at some point or another that things don’t always go according to plan. But going off plan can often lead to things that are better than you could have imagined, focusing on that might frame this experience differently.

      I have confidence that you will find a partner who is amazing and perfect for you!

    10. Not sure if it helps, but somewhere (maybe even here) I once heard some really insightful comment that the farthest you are from being with the right one isn’t being single, it’s being with the wrong one. It may seem like a “race” at times, but really the only winning is being happy. Lots of folks give in to pressure and marry because they feel they should and then find themselves even more unhappy. I have several friends who are in these challenging relationships now. Just keep trusting that you’re doing all the right things. Truly, it’s just a matter of time until the right one comes along.

      Hang in there.

      …And just think, even George Clooney had to wait for his Amal. :)

      1. Oh, wow. Yes! “The furthest you are from being with the right one isn’t being single, it’s being with the wrong one.” Oh my sweet Lord how true this is!

        Hugs to you, OP. I hope you get what you long for, and very soon!

    11. I feel exactly the same way you do, am the same age range, am doing all the same things. It’s the worst to feel like I am doing everything possible, following all the advice, doing all the right things, have been told and believe I am a catch, and yet…nothing. And I also feel I will gouge out the eyes of the next person who tells me it will happen when I least expect it, as if there is a possibility of EVER just forgetting I am looking for my partner.

      I don’t have any advice, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I (and many of my single, 30s, awesome friends) am right there with you.

      2. Yes to this, and to everything pretty much everyone else has said (including that you are not a “loser”!!!). I’m in the same boat (except I’m about to turn 32), and I have okay and less-than-okay days about it. I agree that hearing “it will happen when you stop looking” is really frustrating, because it’s pretty much impossible for me to “stop looking” in the sense of not thinking about this huge thing that is missing in my life that I want so much.

        The part that’s the hardest for me to deal with is the ticking clock on having kids — I really really really want children, my own biological children (and maybe that makes me selfish, but it’s what I want), with a loving partner. I want that more than I’ve ever wanted anything else in life. There are so many more years left for me to meet a fantastic husband — it could happen when I’m 60 — but not that many more years left to have bio kids. And coming to terms with the fact that it might not happen is so, so hard. For whatever reason, all of the marriage announcements in my mid-late 20’s didn’t bother me anywhere near as much as all of the pregnancy announcements I’m getting now (SO MANY in the last few months). One of my closest friends told me that she was pregnant last week, and as soon as I found out, I started crying, which made me feel like a terrible person (thankfully, she told me over email, so I’m the only one who knows how I reacted). I also cried when I saw the first pictures of another close friend’s baby (also thankfully over email!), and they were definitely tears of longing, not happiness. I never reacted to any of the engagement/wedding stuff like that. I recognize that I can adopt, or have biological kids on my own, but there is still a grieving process involved for me with either of those options. (And I also realize that even if I do meet someone/get married/etc. I might just be completely infertile anyway, who knows, I’ve never tried!)

        It helps a little to realize that the reason this is the thing I “want most in the world” is because I already have–and have always had–a roof over my head, food to eat, warm clothes, people who love me, etc., and if I didn’t have any of those things I would want them way more than I want this. And I keep trying to remind myself that the difference between my current situation and what I want so much is just ONE day where I meet ONE person — and that day could be tomorrow. And that I’m way closer now than I was when I was in any one of the past relationships I had that wasn’t that great. But it still. just. sucks.

    12. Because I don’t want to hijack this thread and reply to every single response (much as I would like to!), I’ll just stop here and offer a huge, heartfelt THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to respond to my original post. It really made me feel better and gave me some perspective, and it also made me realize I’m far from alone in this.

      I’m going to just take this one day at a time and try to feel gratitude for all the wonderful things I have while never giving up hope on my dream of finding love someday.

      Happy weekend, ladies!

    14. Hang in there ugh. I was you until I was 40, and then one wonderful day I walked into a bar to meet what I was sure would be another terrible online date and I met the love of my life. In 24 hours my life completely changed. People used to say it just takes one and it p*ssed me off because it felt so impossible to even find one. But I am so glad I didn’t give up.

    15. I don’t mind as much when I see my friends post engagement or wedding pictures and I love my friend’s children. I tell them to keep the pictures coming!! However, I do not need to see people declaring their love for their fiance on Facebook. Post all the pictures you want, but limit the mushy “I love you” public declarations! It’s so weird and makes me feel like they need some kind of public acknowledgment in order for it to be real. You are not Facebook friends with only close friends and family! It’s public!

  6. I’ve heard good things about using a doula and midwife in addition to your obgyn during the delivery. Anyone have any recs for a midwife in the DC Metro Area to help on the day of delivery? I just started my last trimester so I am not sure if I am too late to start looking at midwifes at this point.

    1. Oops, I thought I was on the moms’ site and my comment did not post. Just realized it did post on the moms’ site and I am on the regular site – doh!

    2. I’ve never heard of using a midwife and an OB for delivery (and I did have a doula with my kid). Doulas yes (with a midwife or OB), because they have a separate, non-medical role that shouldn’t conflict with the primary caregiver.

      1. This is my understanding as well. A midwife OR an OB and a doula with either. I doubt you’d find a midwife that would be happy to share his or her role with an OB and vice versa.

        1. Yes, and you wouldn’t need both anyway.

          I had a midwife for all of my births, and highly recommend.

          If I had to go with an OB for some reason, I would definitely think about a doula.

          Here, midwifery care is in such high demand that you ahve to get in pretty much as soon as you know you are pregnant.

      2. It is my understanding that most OBs can’t pair with a midwife for insurance reasons.

    3. I’ve heard good things about the Midwifery Services out of GW hospital, as well as DC M.A.M.A.S.

    4. I wouldn’t think you need all three. I went with a midwifery practice that had a OB-GYN as its medical director; the midwives were the primary caregivers and I only saw the MD once near the end, when I had complications. I had to be induced early, so the MD actually admitted me and put me on the Pitocin but then the midwife did everything else. The doctor was available on call in case anything really bad happened, which fortunately it did not.

    5. All of the major studies published in top peer-reviewed medical journals show that using a midwife and doula (non-MD medical providers) reduces positive pregnancy outcomes (like maternal death, perinatal death, birth-related defects, etc.). The main reason is that most of OB is preventative – these providers interfere with preventative practices. I recommend reading Doula Dani (whatifsandfearswelcome)- she is a doula and offers really thoughtful insights about the role that non-MD providers can (safely) play in pregnancy.

      EVen situations like described by Jules (where she probably saw nurse-midwifes and not lay midwifes as they had hospital rights) have worse outcomes that MD-supervised pregnancies and deliveries.

      Fundamentally, your answer will vary from others based on your risk perferences. I was not willing to compromise even the smallest fraction of a percentage of my baby’s brain function or health and wanted my baby to have the absolute best scientific-based birth possible, so I eschewed NCB and all NCB-related woo. However, many of my friends had OOH births and have kids with chronic medical issues- just like all the scientific evidence would have predicted. Anyway check out Doula Dani – you can google her.

      2. I think you are mistakenly conflating having a midwife or doula with home birth… Those are very different, not necessarily correlated things.

        1. Doulas are not health care providers and do not deliver babies. A doula is a professional labor assistant and advocate who supports the mother while her baby is delivered by a licensed MD or midwife. Having a doula reduces stress and may increase your chances of delivering without unwanted medical interventions such as epidural anaesthesia, augmentation of labor, c-section, and episiotomy. You can have a doula if you are attempting an unmedicated birth, if you are having an epidural, or even for a scheduled c-section. Her role is to support you and to help you communicate with the medical staff.

          I had my baby in a hospital with an MD and a doula. I chose to hire a doula because I did not think my husband was capable of adequately supporting me during natural childbirth, asking the right questions of the medical staff, or advocating for my preferences. The doula noticed when the nurse tried to give me narcotics without my knowledge and consent and put a stop to it. She got me the tub, which the nurses didn’t want to bother to let me use. And I am pretty sure that she saved me from an unnecessary c-section. I think delivering in a hospital (preferably one with a low c-section rate) with a trusted MD (or midwife with MD backup) and a doula is the absolute safest way to go.

          As far as midwives go, in my area there is no such thing as a freestanding birthing center or home birth. Midwives here practice under the close supervision of MDs.

          I highly recommend The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer. It is a review of the published literature on the safety of childbirth.

    6. I am using Midwifery Care Associates in Maryland (Rockville). They are a midwife practice(CNMs) within an OB/Gyn practice and they deliver at hospitals with OB backup. I’m around the same stage as you and so far I like them a lot. I went there on recommendation from colleagues who’ve used them. I used to see the OBs they practice with (Simmonds, Martin, Helmbrecht) and I had no problems with them, but the appointments with midwifes are more relaxed and informative. My husband is a doctor and is very pro CNMs but not comfortable with home birth, so this is the best setup for us-. I’m not sure how he would feel about a birthing center- there aren’t any in the MD suburbs of DC as far as I’m aware, so it wasn’t really an option. My coworker’s wife used a midwife practice with a birthing center in NoVa somewhere and was happy with that experience.

      Outside of the midwife-within-OB-office setup, I don’t think you see a midwife and an OB- its either/or and you can use doula with either. I think you are most likely too late to switch into a new midwife practice, but if you start making some calls asap you might be able to get in. You definitely aren’t too late to hire a doula. I don’t have any specific recs for that because we decided not to use one, but there are a lot in the DC area and I’m sure you can find reviews by googling.

  7. Oscar predictions anyone? To be honest, I have only seen Boyhood of the nominated movies this year, but I loved it and thought it was really great how they filmed the same actors throughout 12 years. It made it seem incredibly real and more heartfelt. All of the actors did a great job. I am interested in seeing Julianne Moore in Still Alice – the book was one of my favorites.

    1. The only one I saw was American Sniper. Here’s who I think will win (based on what I’ve read) and who I would want to win (granted, without having seen the majority of the movies), for the major categories:

      Who I think will win:
      Best Picture: Boyhood
      Director: Richard Linklater/Boyhood
      Best Actor: Eddie Raymond
      Best Actress: Julianne Moore
      Supporting Actor: Ethan Hawke
      Supporting Actress: Patricia Arquette

      Who I wish would win:
      Best Picture: American Sniper
      Director: Morten Tyldum/Imitation Game (because why not)
      Best Actor: Bradley Cooper
      Best Actress: Reese Witherspoon
      Supporting Actor: Robert Duvall
      Supporting Actress: Keira Knightley

  8. Major points for the Buffy reference, especially since that was my favorite episode ever!

    1. +21783849283!!! I was just about to say the same thing. I just went back and watched that episode last weekend (for like the 500th time), bc it is the Best Musical Ever Written! :o)

    2. I totally missed the Buffy reference till you pointed it out. Also one of my favorite episodes! And I love the it was one of the writers signing that song!

  9. A friend and I are traveling to DC at the end of March and because of her budget, we need to stay in something on the lower end. We’re thinking of the Comfort Inn Ballston in Arlington and I’m wondering what that area is like at night, when we’re walking the block or so down N. Glebe from the Metro stop. I’m not opposed to taking an Uber in from wherever we were that night, but would rather know now, than when I get out of the station that first night.

    1. I used to live right down the street from that hotel! It’s a very safe neighborhood – very family friendly, and close to transportation. I definitely would not worry about staying there (and I can’t say that about many budget hotels in the DMV).

    2. have you tried AirBnB? I’ve found great deals on there for stuff in the city. My only hesitation for staying out in VA is that the Metro doesn’t run very late during the week, and I would hate to be organizing my schedule around the Metro. I like staying in Eastern Market or Capitol Hill areas bc it’s walking distance to lots of great stuff. Same thing for Adams Morgan or Mt Pleasant. And if you are willing to share a room, you could find some really great deals. (sorry for not answering your actual question ;o) )

      1. I keep forgetting about AirBnB – my friend has rewards points with the Choice brand and I think she has a free night, which is one of the reasons we were looking at Comfort Inn. I’ll have to take a look at what’s available the weekend we’re going and see if they compare. Thanks for the reminder!

    3. Ballston is very safe and an easy metro ride into D.C. You can also walk from there (if the weather cooperates) to Clarendon, which has a ton of bars and restaurants.

    4. You could also stay at the doubltree in Bethesday which is about a 10 minute walk to the metro and something like $99 per night.

  10. The thread about a guy’s height yesterday got me thinking. This conversation is way too non-PC to discuss IRL, but I’m curious. Are there certain races you find yourself particularly attracted to/not attracted to? Are there certain races you won’t date for whatever reason?

    I’m South Asian. I’m very attracted to African American guys, maybe in part because they are usually the ones who hit on me. My dream guy is Boris Kodgoe (from Soul Food, for those who watched the show). I’m not attracted to East Asian guys. I have a few East Asian guy friends who are objectively attractive, I’m just not attracted personally.

    1. I’m also South Asian. I don’t think I have many preferences with regards to race, other than I’d prefer not to date a white guy. I don’t think that’s a physical preference so much as a social one; I’ve had some issues with racism in my time, and they’re all come from white people. I’m marrying a white guy, though, so I guess it didn’t end up mattering all that much.

      ETA: African American guys also hit on me a lot. Basically anyone who’s ever hit on me has been Black or Hispanic. I think growing up I’ve always got the impression that non-white girls just aren’t attractive to white men in general, which I think is part of where my preference for other races comes from.

      Curious to hear other responses.

        1. Haha, yeah. He’s also very pale with flaming red hair. When I met him my thought was “wow, that might be the weirdest looking person I’ve ever met!” Obviously my opinion on the matter has changed/even at the time it didn’t matter that much.

      2. Ha, I always figured it’s because the home culture of more black/hispanic men included hitting on women of all races not that black/hispanic men are more likely to be attracted to non-white women. I don’t get catcalled or hit on by east asian men and I’m not south asian. I also can’t seem to recall a white man catcalling me on the street…

        1. Well I think the issue is less that they’re more attracted to non-white women and more that white men tend to not be attracted to non-white non-East Asian women. I guess I use the term “hit on” too loosely. I’ve also had a lot of white male friends who say that they’re really only attracted to white women, so maybe it’s that too. Really, it’s a lot of things that make me think this, but I see what you’re saying.

      3. Me too! I had a race I preferred not to date and it’s really looking like I’ll marry my guy who is that race.

    2. Yeppppp super controversial, but I’ll bite.

      I know it sounds racist of me when I say I’m attracted primarily to East Asian men and I don’t find other races attractive even if I know a specific person of a different race is considered handsome by many others. I’m East Asian (female) myself and the majority of my social circle is actually baffled I prefer my own race when it comes to looks.

      Technically there is no race I wouldn’t date, but I don’t find super pale (white?) or super dark skin attractive. I don’t find blond hair, pale eyes, and pale skin attractive, even if I know they’re objectively good looking (have nice jawline, symmetrical face, etc).

    3. I’m white. When I think about guys that I am attracted to on the basis of looks alone, like actors, the vast majority are white but that may be because the majority of celebrities and actors are white. When I think about guys I have had crushes on that I actually know, where both looks and personality are a factor, there are plenty of white guys but also Indian, East Asian and Hispanic guys. I guess I might say I’m less attracted to black guys, but I think that could be a function of not knowing nearly as many black men as other races so I have less opportunities to meet them and fall for them. I also have Jewish heritage and find myself especially attracted to both guys that I know are Jewish and guys that have a stereotypical Jewish “look.”

      1. I’ve really never been attracted to Jewish-looking guys, which gives my (naturally blonde and blue-eyed) mother no end of grief. I tend to be attracted to WASPy-looking men, which I suppose makes sense since I went to school with a lot of those kids.

    4. I’m from India. My husband is American (white) and I’m mostly attracted to white guys. I’ve never really been attracted to Indian guys. I moved to the U.S when I was 3, so I wonder if growing up here had something to do with that.

      1. Same here. I was born in India but I’ve grown up here in the US. It has been mostly white men that I find attractive and have dated. I have no objections to Indian men but I’ve yet to meet any IRL that I found attractive.

        1. I’m Indian but I was born in the US. I don’t think I’d seriously consider an Indian man because I’ve found that the difference in expectations between what I’d want (mostly concerning gender roles, but also some other things) and they’d want would be too different. Obviously this isn’t a blanket statement, so if I found an Indian guy I liked who didn’t have these issues, I wouldn’t think twice about it.

          1. Yes, those cultural differences can be rather stark. My parents tried for five miserable long years, during my early 20s, to arrange a marriage for me. But the Indian guys who grew up here, their parents weren’t interested in me. I think my morals were suspect. Only the FOBs were interested but once you’d talk to them it would be quite obvious that it would never work.

      2. It’s a possibility that where you grow up influences who you find attractive…

        Like I said above, I prefer the looks of East Asian men, but I spent my formative years in an East Asian country before returning to the US. Oddly enough, when it comes to cultural specifics in dating, I prefer the American born/raised East Asian guys because they understand certain cultural things but are also pretty progressive-minded (they’re totally ok with the idea of the wife making more money or being a SAHP) whereas the ones who grew up abroad in an East Asian country are socially conservative.

    5. I’m white but I have dated Asian American men seriously (>6 month relationships) and gone on dates with African American men. My issues, at least when things got serious, stemmed mostly from cultural differences. With the Asian American men, for example, we clashed over gender roles (e.g., who cleaned the house) and financial support of elderly parents. Not that all Asian Americans have the same views, but these two issues, in particular, were significant in my relationships.

      I am now dating a man who is also a lapsed-Catholic, Midwestern, meat-and-potatoes type (who has a biweekly house cleaner). It is so much easier for me to be in a relationship with someone who shares the same culture/background. I can make cultural references and he gets them. When we do chores or things around the house, he doesn’t go about them “all wrong” (scare quotes because I do know there is more than one way to do chores).

      At times when I was dating, I would go out with men of other races. But at other times (particularly if I was just getting out of a relationship where there were cultural issues), I would screen out non-white, and even non-Midwestern, men. Even though I was aware of my bias, and tried to overcome it, I could not. These were not my proudest moments.

      1. I think what you’re talking about really makes sense. I’m from a very unique hometown, and despite the fact that many of my hometown peers left for college and studied and worked in various cities across the US, many, many of them have married people we knew from high school or from said hometown (even though they no longer live there) and I think it’s because of the shared unique culture that they get about each other as a baseline.

        1. Where are you from? I’m trying to picture “very unique hometown” and keep landing on Pleasantville :)

          2. I was in a year+ long relationship with a man from there and there were definitely cultural issues. I can understand this. (I am from the Northeastern US – not New England.)

      2. In terms of straightforward physical attraction, I’m all across the board. I can’t think of any race I’m not attracted to as a whole. On dating matters though, I was always very cautious about dating people from different cultures where their opinions of gender roles or appropriate levels of family enmeshment might be drastically different from mine.

      1. Ugh…. I have a beautiful gym friend who looks just like him, with even better defined muscles. I have to stop myself from staring at times. He is married to a blond barbie doll 15 years younger, and he complains to me all the time that she doesn’t “share his values” and work-out more. Ahhhh… problems problems in the lives of beautiful people……. ;)

    7. I am eastern european and I am really attracted to black guys. I have dated several and have gone on dates with many. But I am currently in a serious relationship with a white guy which I would have never predicted! I would not consider any other races though, not my thing at all.

    8. I’m white. I’ve been in serious relationships with whites and blacks. Been attracted to hispanics. I don’t generally find asians attractive, but have found some attractive.

    9. There’s an online dating site (I think OKCupid?) that released some interesting data on this- what people say they’re ok with, what their actions actually reveal. It’s really interesting research. I think the conclusion was that asian men and black women fared the worst in terms of interest. And a lot of people said they were ok with any race, but then tended to date within their own race anyway.

      As for me, I’m white (American) and married to an indian guy (born here). There’s no particular race I can say I’ve never been attracted to, but I always tended towards brown guys- indian, middle eastern, hispanic. I’ve also been attracted to white guys and black guys, at about equal rates. I don’t know that I’ve ever had a crush on an east asian guy but when I think back on the ones I know, there are definitely some I’d hook up with if I were single. On a random note, I’m very pale and I’ve always thought my attraction to darker skinned guys was a way of seeking someone who would complement my own genetics- I guess by supplying the melanin I lack lol.

      The comment about cultural difference is interesting. We definitely have some issues re cultural expectations, especially with my in-laws, but I know friends who have as many issues with their in-laws even though both people are white. I think it has been a good thing for both my family and my in-laws. Took everyone out of their comfort zone in a positive way. So it has been difficult at times and there have been compromises, but its worth it. There may also be more issues if my husband was born in India rather than the US, though all of his US-born cousins who have married so far have married other indians (from the same part of india too), so there is definitely a strong tendency to stay within the culture. Overall though, I think we have way more in common than we have differences and the differences are what make life interesting no?

  11. I’m planning to start a city blog for the city I’m living in as a creative outlet / fun project type thing. I enjoy writing and photography and want to flex those skills. But I also want it to be useful and entertaining for readers. I thought I’d throw the question out here — what would you like to see in a blog about the city you live in? Restaurant reviews? Listings of live music? Open house picks? Other things? Thanks hive!

    1. I love hearing about all the special events going on in my city (wine festivals, film festivals, farmer’s markets, etc.) – but far enough in advance that I can plan to go. There’s a great wine festival that I would have gone to, but the blog I read in my city only talked about it after the fact (or too late so all the tickets were sold out), and the same thing happened with a cool exhibit at the local art gallery- she only wrote a review of it the weekend it closed.

      I also love blogs that do comparisons/series- so if you do restaurants, try to go to one every weekend for like 3months, then rank which one you think is best, same with music venues, spin/yoga studios, pedicure places, etc. I love detailed reviews of experiences, including pros/cons, etc.

      1. As someone who has just moved again, it would be nice to mention the crowds that attend the various events so that people know ahead of time if they will be part of the crowd, in a mix, or stand out like a sore thumb. For example, some bars attract recent college grads, while the 30+ crowd might go to another bar.

        1. +1. It’s all very well to say a bar has a great wine list and also happens to have a pub quiz, but if I get there and find myself the youngest there by 20 years….

    2. That sounds so fun, good for you! In my city there are always a TON of culture-y things to do: art openings, music, etc. I sometimes try to find an interesting thing to go to on my local independent newspaper’s website but the list is overwhelming! So if your city is anything like that, I think a curated list of suggestions for the best/most promising/most interesting things happening would be very rewarding for me as a reader!

    3. I like hearing about free/cheap random things I can do that I never would have thought about/secret tips that aren’t well known. Or just fun things to do when I’ve exhausted the list of well-known standards.

      Also I love history and trivia about neighborhoods/buildings.

    4. Whatever you talk about, I would tag/group stuff by neighborhoods- I’m trying to move this summer and it is so hard to figure out the character of different neighborhoods from far away.
      If anyone knows of a website that talks about Denver neighborhoods- let me know!

    5. This isn’t related to content, but please consider setting up an RSS feed. I follow many blogs using AOL Reader and that’s the best way for me to keep up with them.

      1. Yes! I won’t regularly read a blog that I can’t subscribe to from within BlogLovin. I want to remember to keep up with it, and just don’t.

  12. How do you balance large student loans and life?

    I’d love to buy a place, and I have enough for a down payment on a modest condo (and the bank will give me a mortgage), but maybe I’d be better off throwing all that money at my student loans.

    It would only pay off half of them. I know the adage is “no debt is good debt”, but that seems impossible, I’d have to delay life for another 5 years, and I’ll be almost 40 and still living in a cheap apartment. I still think law school was a good investment, and I pay more than the minimum balance on my loans, while still trying to save for retirement, having an emergency fund, etc. I just don’t know what to do.

    1. Caveat: I’m old enough to have paid off my loans already. So, take my advice with a grain of salt. I’d probably go ahead and buy the condo, assuming you think you will live there 5-7 years (closing costs and moving costs are expensive, so don’t pay them if you think you might move). My rationale is that you are already paying rent, so you would be better off paying a mortgage (which is essentially paying yourself), getting the tax deduction and having an investment. Sure, it’s more debt, but you have to live somewhere!

    2. We still have significant student loans belonging to my husband, but are on our second house (first owned for 7 years, second a year now). Yes, we could have lived in a smaller place and rented and thrown money at the loans, but we decided that it was important to us to buy, and to get the type of place we wanted it was cheaper to buy than continue to rent. H’s loans are on the 30 year repayment schedule, but the IR is less than 2%. We’ve paid off all his private loans (yes, he really had those too…) though. We just couldn’t put life on hold to pay off the loans first. We just consider them a cost of doing business.

    3. With interest rates at historic lows, I would consider buying now. That’s what we did; I don’t have any student loans, but DH has a TON. If it’s not going to cause you budgeting issues, I would do it.

    4. Would the mortgage on the condo be cheaper than rent for an apartment? How long do you plan to be in the area? Would the down payment make you house rich and cash poor?

      Either way, you have to have a place to live, and if you have the option of buying instead of renting you have the benefit of putting money into an asset. (Which is not to say that buying is always better than renting…)

      I’m generally not one to say take on more debt (I won’t be in a position to take on a mortgage until my student loans are paid off), but run the numbers on what your debt situation looks like taking on the mortgage while still having the student loans, and what impact throwing the down payment at the student loan debt has.

    5. I picked life. Last year, I made the decision to buy a home instead of significantly paying down my student loans. In my HCOL area, I paid over $100K down to avoid PMI – that would have paid off more then 2/3 of my remaining student loans. Overall, I think I made the right choice. My living costs went up by about $500 a month, but (1) I gain that much in equality a month, (2) get a lot back on taxes, and (3) moved from a 700 sq. ft. 1-bedroom apartment to a 1,400 sq. ft. house. And my home is in a redeveloping area – based on recent sales, I suspect the value of my home has gone up over $50K in the past year.

      If I stay at my current biglaw job, I will pay off my student loans in about a year. BUT I just had an interview for one of my top choices for my biglaw exit. It is stressful knowing that I really want this job, but it would be difficult financially. I could swing it, but it would be a lot easier if I didn’t have the loans. On the other hand, if I get the job, it would take years to save enough for a down-payment and would have trouble qualifying for a sufficient mortgage.

    6. I have no debt and a lot of savings/investments, and actually renting made more financial sense for me. But I have learned that buying vs. renting is often an emotional issue for many. Also, we don’t know where you live/the market/how easy it is to sell if you need to leave/rent vs. buy costs etc…

      It is really a matter of running the numbers, and thinking CAREFULLY about the risks if there is any chance you need to move in the next several years/job security etc… You can’t always sell when you want to.

      This is a great website….

      http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/upshot/buy-rent-calculator.html?_r=0&abt=0002&abg=0

      Important additional issues to consider are how much you like and have time for and can afford paying for home maintenance, whether owning is an emotionally important thing for you, and whether being a landlord (if you need to sell and can’t move) would be acceptable to you.

      Good luck!

  13. Totally random thought alert! Given some recent postings about finances, I have been thinking a lot about my engagement ring recently. When we decided to get married, but before he popped the question, I told my man exactly what ring to buy me, and I picked out a CZ ring. It was from Macy’s — the Arabella 14k White Gold Ring, Swarovski Zirconia Solitaire Engagement Ring (3-1/3 ct. t.w.). He got it on sale for about $250.

    It is by far the best money ever spent! I’ve had this ring for a few years now, and love it. It looks like the ring I always wanted, and we didn’t break the bank. I know that it’s not a real diamond, but that really hasn’t bothered me for a second.

    Does anyone else out there love her CZ engagement ring? Hate it?

    1. I guess that’s awesome for you? But the post reads “pls tell me it’s ok to have a CZ because I really want to upgrade to a diamond but can’t afford it.” Like, I have lots of things in my life that I’m glad I got but they’re not worth discussing.

      1. Interesting! That’s not what I meant at all! I guess I’m more curious as to why so many women want a real diamond when the CZs are so good / so much less expensive.

        1. Srsly? You’ve been happy for years why on earth would you care?

          I want a diamond because I think CZs don’t look good, I want something valuable, and because I have fallen hook line and sinker for diamond marketing. CZs to me are worthless- they’re too fake looking sparkly, and they lack the symbolism of attaching something of lasting value.

          Whatever you do you it just seems so odd to be thinking about this if you’re genuinely happy.

        2. Some people like things that are expensive? I am not a jewlery person at all, but my engagement ring is the prettiest thing I have ever seen. I love the diamond, the thought my DH put into style and getting, love that it will last forever.

          I love non diamond engagement rings but would hate a CZ- it looks like its trying to be a diamond, cz get cloudy, feels fake, etc.

    2. This isn’t a direct answer to your question, but DH got me an expensive ring when we got engaged and while I love it, and he is so proud of it and that makes me very happy, I sometimes look at it and think of the loan debt/down payment/etc we could have used that money for instead. I think it is smart to not spend all that money on a ring.

    3. I honestly think that’s a little misleading. No need to buy a big diamond, but don’t buy a big fake diamond and pretend it’s real. I would rather have a sapphire ring or some other non-diamond ring, or a flat pave-style cool ring without a big stone in it, something I could actually afford, than a fake big diamond.

      1. Just having it isn’t pretending it’s real; everyone knows things like CZs exist or, if they don’t, they should.

      2. Why does it matter if it’s real or not? Unless she’s telling everyone it’s real and it’s actually CZ, which would indicate that maybe she has some issues. Even if she’s pretending for herself, why does this matter?

        1. +100. Why is a diamond inherently better if the function it’s serving is ornamental? It’s all in the eye of the beholder. (And yes, I get that diamonds are more valuable but that doesn’t mean they’re per se “better,” if the rarity of the gem is not what you care about.)

    4. I don’t have a diamond ring, but I did have a debate with myself on whether to buy diamond earring studs or CZ. I settled on CZ because first the price difference is HUGE, and also because I think that people perceive diamonds to be valuable for reasons other than their inherent worth or even aesthetic value. It didn’t seem like something I wanted to pay for. Of course, I never wore an engagement ring and settled for a simple gold wedding band, so I may not be a good reference point.

        1. +1. Four or five years ago I bought three identical pairs of CZ studs in 14K gold. They look pretty and I don’t cry when I lose one. (I’m now down to two pair.)

          1. OMG I need to find some of these. I also lose earrings and wouldn’t mind CZ, but can’t seem to find any set in actual gold (which I need for my sensitive ears)

    5. sorry if I’m taking your post the wrong way, but the level of detail re: the ring name, weight, source seems like Macy’s is trying to keep their jewelry sales strong post-Vday.

      anyway, to each her own, on this topic. I’m not a fan because the purpose of CZ is to imitate. But if you’re happy, sparkle away!

      1. I also thought this was a strategically-placed Macy’s advert (esp when I googled and found out that – lo and behold – the ring is currently on sale for $250…what a coincidink!)

          1. I am embarrassed because you guys are totally right that my original post looks like a Macy’s PR move. It’s actually not — I just included the model name to show that the ring really is supposed to resemble a traditional engagement ring. If I could change the original post, I would. Eeek!

    6. My husband wanted to give me a diamond ring on our major anniversary, but I opted for moissanite. It is substantial, but appropriate to our age and income level, and looks real. I do not go ’round claiming that it is real, but don’t volunteer that it’s not. Judge away.
      And, we had money left over to buy a new luxury car that year.

      1. It’s baffling to me that this is a “judgable” offense to some. Put your money to better use. Rock on.

        2. It’s not judgable not to have a diamond. But even if you don’t directly lie about it, a cz is imitatingb a diamond. It’s like buying a knock off purse. Just buy whatever you can afford or do a gold band or whatever. I am uncomfortable faking something, which this clearly is.

          1. No, a knock off purse is an issue because it’s an IP violation.* A diamond is merely a pre-existing item in the physical world that happens to look like certain other physical items in the other world. People can assign value to various of those items as they want, but nobody is “tricking” you by not having spent as much money on one of them as you thought.

            * Unless it’s something from, like, H&M in which case, I haven’t seen anyone be criticized for buying it.

      2. My husband had a diamond (long story) that we put into a setting and of course I like it fine. But then we saw a very similar seeing with a slightly larger Moissanite and that’s what I wear for every day wear. I love it, get compliments, always feel weird like should I say it’s not a diamond? So I usually just say thank you. People can assume what they want.

        For my eyes, Moissanite is prettier than diamond anyway.

      4. It’s the equivalent size of 1.5cw which is about what size most of my colleagues wives wear.

        It’s pretty and cost about a grand.

        I don’t try to pass it off as real, and I wouldn’t if I was asked but I also don’t go around volunteering the information either.

        Totally happy with that decision.

    8. I’ll bite. I wanted a CZ ring but couldn’t find anything < 5 carats.

      It was a big deal to DH to buy me a real ring (muddying the water: DH's first wife had a ring that was real).

      I've noticed that with guys, it can be a big deal to them to having you wear a big ring. I don't care and would have insisted on passing on it if he had had to borrow to get it.

      1. Re borrowing to buy the ring and as a follow-up to the discussion yesterday about Judaism — one of the requirements for the ring is that the groom be able to buy it without borrowing. Another is that it be simple enough (ie a plain band) so that the bride cannot be tricked by fake stones or other embellishments.

        Having said that, mine is a rolling trio of eternity bands of princess cut diamonds, so, so much for the simple ring rule. But I absolutely would not have let him borrow money to buy it. We would have chosen something else.

          1. Check out the Cartier trinity bands. Mine is like the white gold/diamond version except that we had it made in platinum for a third of the price.

      2. I see the same about men caring more about a big ring and can appreciate why – it’s virtually the only feminine jewelry their peers are likely to notice. I work in a male-dominated industry with occasional ambiguous situations (clients, late nights, deal-related stress or euphoria etc) and my big ring is surprisingly effective at warding off unwanted attention, something my husband now claims to be aware of only because I tell him so.

    9. If I could go back in time, I would get a CZ ring. Mine is a diamond, and I like it, and it wasn’t that expensive (the main diamond is 0.5 ct.), but real diamonds seem like such a waste of money to me now, even if there were no ethical concerns.

      1. Do you want/plan to have kids? I am jealous of folks who can use their Grandma’s ring, and I’d want to be that grandma.

        1. Oh, I have kids, lol. 4. Maybe it’s because I come from a lower-to-middle-middle-class background with no heirlooms in sight, but this never really occurred to me, and now that you mention it, I still don’t really see a whole lot of appeal. I guess I would love to have some of my still-living grandmother’s (modest) jewelry to wear and remind me of her after she passes, but I think a CZ ring in a nice setting would fit the same bill for me.

    10. I wonder about this. I want to pay off debts, and buy a house. I think paying off debts is necessary before marriage, and buying property is ideal afterwards. But I do want a large ring – I’m worth the consideration. How do you know when to get CZ or Moissanite and when to demand the investment into a ring you want to wear for the rest of your life?

        1. Good idea! I may very well do that, since I think it is important to me, even if it’s objectively ridiculous.

        2. I phrased that weirdly. Marriage is such a huge commitment that signifying intent with a $250 ring seems off balance to me. But I fully recognize that my views about marriage are less than romantic.

          1. So it did come off how you meant it. You signify your commitment by having a discussion (together) and deciding to get married. The ring is just a present. Unless you are from a really outdated time where women didn’t make their own money so the ring was insurance against being dumped which it sounds like you are arguing for? Weird.

  14. Here’s a weird topic. My DH refuses to hold in farts around me. He even does it in front of family/friends sometimes. He says it is unnatural to hold them in. I understand passing gas in front of your SO once in a while or when you can’t hold it. But I think he is being so rude. Every time I hear it, it makes me so mad at him for refusing to be considerate. And it makes me think of him in a less s3xy light. Am I crazy here? Has anyone else had this issue? I’d appreciate advice.

    1. Girl get over it. Everyone farts. They say excuse me and move on. Just start farting too. And less s$xy? Really? Because he’s a human with bodily functions? Get more comfortable with yourself and you’ll get over it.

      1. He doesn’t say excuse me. Sometimes he even makes a show of it, doing like sumo squats to push them out, in front of me.

        1. Of course he does. Because you’re really annoyingly up tight about it. Let it go, let ‘er rip!

          1. If he was ok with me doing it in front of him too I guess I might feel differently. He thinks it’s not “lady-like” or something. So its ok for him but not me.

          3. that’s hypocritical. he needs to stop farting in an immature way and being teenager stupid about the fact that women fart too.

        2. That would irritate me too. Maybe he thinks potty humor is funny? I’d tell him very plainly that such an eight year old boy performance grosses you out, ask him to please not do that around you, and walk out of the room. Repeat as necessary.
          I didn’t read your standards as asking him go outside whenever his gut rumbles, but to not make this into a production number that you don’t find funny.

      2. I think she knows that everyone passes gas. Counter point: I’ve been married 10 years and my husband and I keep the bathroom door shut and (as much as possible) don’t pass gas around each other. That’s what works for us. I don’t find my husband less attractive if he does it, but is nice to make an effort to keep some “mystery” in our marriage.

        Is this something your DH was doing when you were dating/engaged/married previously? Or is it a new development?

        1. So this kind of mutual agreement is what I’m talking about – if you’re both ok with leaving the door open, cool. If you want to close the door but don’t care if he leaves it open, cool. If you ask him to please close the door but he refuses, as mine does? That feels kind of inconsiderate to me.

          He of course had passed gas in front of me before we were married but the frequency with which he does it in front of me now has significantly increased.

        2. Yep. I’ve been with my husband for 10+ years and we try as much as possible to not pass gas around each other. The occasional fart isn’t going to bother me, but if it was constant I would find it a turnoff.

          I think you have to be upfront with him and tell him that it’s making him less attractive to you. Everybody has boundaries, this is just one of yours.

    2. Alan did this ALL of the time. He explained that he would ONLEY do it in front of family and peeople he loved. I am NOT a prude and I am with you. Alan often stunk up my apartement when he could have excused himself and went to the toilet to unload. FOOEY! He also did it ALOT in bed, calling it some kind of a dutch oven sandwich right in the middel of me doieng thing’s for him. DOUBEL FOOEY! It would have been FAR easier for me if he had just excused himself b/c he was hardley doieng anything important for me. He also farted alot in the subway, and when peeople started to move away, he looked at me as if I was the one doeing the farting. That was the worst. Blameing me for his farts. He also ate alot of cheeze and stuff that made it worse so when he did let loose it was far worse then if I did it (which I did NOT). I always tried to use the toilet rather than tooting in public, and when I could NOT, I politely excused myself if I did let loose. I think there is a rule in the book on this about takeing ownership of our own tuchuses. That is the probelem with men. They just fart and walk away, or blame you for farting and walk away. TRIPEL FOOEY!

    3. This is so perfectly timed. So I like to categorize relationships in phases (an unrelated one but the best one yet–the pre-Gone Girl phase and the post-Gone Girl phase). I tend to like the post-fart/number 2 phase because it signals a sort of comfort with my siginificant other that I tend to like.

      However, the farting in front of third parties is weird and rude (unless these are CLOSE friends and family because full disclosure, I have farted in front of my brother’s significant other multiple times, but his sig other has been around for 5 years and is more like my best friend than an “outsider”)

      That being said, last night my bf and I could have entered the post-fart/number 2 phase, but he preempted it by using the public restroom in his condo building. For the first time in my relationship history I kind of liked that we’re still pre-fart/number 2. I find current bf to be EXTREMELY attractive and you know what? I agree with you wholeheartedly that it sort of ruins that.

      But I do think either way your DH should respect your boundaries if you’d prefer he not do it in front of you (or especially in front of others).

      1. Question: What do you mean by pre-fart/number 2 phase? You guys won’t do number 2 in front of each other, or in the same condo? And do you mean he announced he had to fart/number 2 and then left his condo and went to a public restroom in the building to avoid doing so in the same condo as you?

        1. Oh gosh this feels like TMI. I mean before we fart in each other’s presence or go number 2 at the other’s place while the other person is there. Mind you, we both have small places where you can hear such activity going on.

          He announced that he was having stomach issues and excused himself to avoid doing it in the same condo as me because it would be really, really audible.

    5. This made me laugh!

      But really, if it is really bothering you, I’d have a talk with DH. Maybe he can just step into another room for a second and take care of his natural bodily functions?

    6. What do you expect him to do, leave the room every time? I’ve gone through some icky gastrointestinal issues in the past few years, which are resolved now, but while I was going through that I would have been VERY put off if my partner were giving me grief about my gassiness. He never said a word about it, although occasionally he would light a match. That’s fair. If I were expected to leave the room every time I might never have sat down or been allowed to sleep in the same bed.

      I had an ex who seemed to feel that a fart was directed at him as some sort of editorial comment and would get very upset. One of many reasons he is an ex. The body does what it must.

      1. I’ve been living with my husband for 7 years and I leave the room whenever I can. I think its rude and I don’t want him to have to smell my farts. He leaves the room too (I presume — I’ve never heard him fart that’s not in his sleep). We also close the bathroom door. I like it that way.

      2. I also think it’s different if it is tied to a medical issue, like yours, versus just because he finds it funny without any regard to the OPs boundaries or requests to stop.

      3. I think farts that you hear are different from farts that you smell. I leave the room for any I can’t keep quiet. I will however, silently let one rip. If I suspect it is really going to smell (GI issue) I’ll leave the room. DH does the same.

    7. My ex-H and I were waaaay too comfortable with that sort of thing. I probably wouldn’t go that far and I get it that he almost sees it as sport. On the other hand, my current SO barely admits to any bodily functions in my presence and would NEVER fart in the same room as me. I guess he feels like it maintains a bit of mystery? We don’t live together so I don’t know how that would work but, honestly, it’s hard to live up to!

    8. People fart. I try to not do it in front of other people, but if I’m at home with my SO and on the couch, not getting up. Where I agree with you is the making a big show out of it and the double standard is annoying.

      I’m torn. Because on one hand I think the annoying behavior, not accommodating your SO’s wishes is rude. But on the other, I think you’re being a bit uptight. So maybe you say (once) something that acknowledges you’ve made a big deal out of it between the two of you, but you’d like it if he’d stop with the big show and farting in front of other people (particularly if they’re *your* people). Then drop it. If after that he can’t stop, then he’s a jerk.

      And as for the double standard, I’d eat a bean burrito with a side of beans and snuggle on the couch and just smile.

    9. Yes, I think it’s rude and I’ve been married for a long time. There are farts, but sometimes it’s just…gross. Smelly, loud, constant. I try to remind my husband that it turns me off and I’d appreciate it if he could hold it in sometimes. Frankly, most of the time if it makes a noise, you’re pushing it out. If you don’t it might be quiet or just go away. He’s not going to burst or anything!

      And it’s definitely not ok for him to do it in front of other people.

      And, rude Anonymous: I fart in your general direction.

  15. Parenting life goal – start making my children make their own phone calls for dentist appointments and to order pizza etc, so that by the time they go off to college they are equipped to make phone calls to deal with issues in their life that require talking to a human being.

    If I have to talk to one more parent today about their special snowflake who is too busy to call me him/herself I might scream at them.

    1. Good for you. I have a friend who will to this day (we’re in our early 30s) ask me to order take out when we’re at her place because she feels “weird” placing the order. When we were in college she would ask me to buy her maxi pads. I always thought it was super fun and “adult” to get to do these things so I’m completely baffled (but then again my mom also tricked me into vacuuming from age 8 on because it was “for big girls”…)

    2. By the time I was in 8th grade, my father had me making all those calls plus all the calls for the house (plumber, housekeeper) and family life (dinner reservations). I was also going through the bills and writing out the checks for the household bills so that all he had to do was sign them. I suspect he did it because it was just more convenient for him, but it made me really self-reliant really early in life. So I feel like the winner.

      1. I have started making sure my 15 year old does phone calls to handle business of her own/ordering for herself at counter service restaurants, etc. She hates it. The last time we went to a chipotle type place, she expected me to order for her, just because she hates it so. I refused, and told her that she ordered for herself, or was going hungry. She got over it.

        Young adults need those social interaction skills in this heavily e mail and texting information age. I am surprised when I see some of her friends who are 17 years old (and older) unable to deal with simple situations like making a call to order pizza or an appointment for an oil change.

        1. My husband is unable to deal with making phone calls like this. (I mean, he CAN do it if he has to, but he’s terrible at it and hates it.) We are working on phone calls with my daughter already and she’s 4.

          1. Really? Peeta seems like he wouldn’t have any problem talking to anyone.

      2. I proudly balanced the family checkbook, and helped with the family budget, so that I’ve always been comfortable with money, but it took me years to get over my fear of making appointments. I still prefer online reservations, but my job has inured me to that fear.

    3. I was painfully shy about making those kind of calls until I hit at least college age, if not older. My parents did encourage me, but I had major anxiety around those calls. Didn’t stop me from being a fully functioning adult (needless to say, I’m not shy anymore).

      1. Same here. Even calling for pizza in college made me freeze up. I was delighted when online ordering became a thing. I’m completely fine now.

        1. I was relatively shy and avoided these things as well – which is part of why I want to start making my kids do them when I can sit right next to them and coach them through it. I am totally willing to hold their hands while they do it, or do it on speaker phone with them – but I’m hoping to help them get over the absolute terror of it. And so that I don’t wind up becoming “one of those parents” someday.

    4. Not a bad idea at all!

      I was the older child of an overworked, divorced mother who had a killer commute and did the ‘college then working nights to make ends meet’ thing while I was in High School. I used to harbor some resentment that I wasn’t more ‘nurtured’ as a teen, but I now realize that the fact that I was the one who figured out my doctor’s appointments and made the grocery lists and (when I got my license) got my car inspected and such is a set of life skills that some of my peers just missed out on.

      I worked at a graduate school and the #1 way to get on our ‘bad’ side was to have your parent call for you. Exceptions were given if you were working in the Amazon or something (yes, this really happened), but when your mom is calling a Master’s program to ask for an extension on your application… Not really saying ‘ready for professional life’ to me.

      2. It’s also pretty common for kids of immigrants who don’t feel comfortable with the language of their new country.

        1. I totally get that for children who immigrant to a new country, but our Graduate Program was taught completely in English and required English competency (decent TOEFL score, your personal statement had to be reasonably well written).

          Nope, these were just kids who hadn’t yet crossed into ‘adulthood’ in their early/mid 20’s.

          1. I think she’s saying kids of immigrants, like kids with single parents, are often forced to learn to take care of themselves and also don’t rely on their parents to make phone calls for them.

          2. …okay, the pre-coffee versus post-coffee read of this was totally different.

            Yeah, definitely.

    5. Oh see, growing up with a single mom who worked second shift mean being a champ at this stuff was non-negotiable. I actually hated the things I had to do in school that required parents – I was much better at participating in activities once I was old enough to sign my own permission slips and drive myself to meets and practice.

      1. 110% Getting a license also meant I could go grocery shopping and drive my sister around.

  16. I just signed up for ClassPass, and it seems a little tricky to sign up for certain popular classes. For example, one studio I really want to try doesn’t seem to have any classes for the next month! Does anyone have any tips for planning classes/timing of sign-ups?

    Thanks!

    1. ClassPass didn’t work for me for exactly this reason, but I know other folks who love it. Figure out when the booking window opens and to the extent you can be awake at midnight on that day and ready to book I’d try that. An alternative would be to use ClassPass for less popular classes and continue to pay separately for the classes that you really want to go to.

    2. Its funny, I’ve heard this complaint and I am in NYC and don’t really have problems booking. Maybe I just like unpopular classes or live in an area where it is less popular. I would say, I’m really open to trying different classes and have been surprised by what a good workout and how fun many of them were, so maybe give some of the other classes a chance!

      I am a huge class pass lover though, I love the variety.

    3. Hmmm, for my city, the popular studios only post and open reservations to their classes the Sunday night before the week begins, and you can’t reserve any class more than a week in advance. So, if I want to take a Flywheel class this week on Wednesday morning, I need to have my ClassPass app up and open the moment reservations open on Sunday night. For the classes that open a week in advance, I merely book as soon as I’m leaving the prior week’s class.

  17. Apologies in advance for the length of this. I need some career advice. I’m a mid-level litigator in BigLaw in NYC, and I do not want to stay (1) at a large law firm or (2) in NYC that much longer (would like to move in the next year or two, mostly likely to SF but I’m considering a few other cities), so I am starting to think about next steps. I’m thinking about applying for in-house or government positions, or possibly a smaller firm/boutique (most of my current unhappiness with my job is related to hours/unpredictability, not the work itself). If none of that plans out, I could transfer to the SF office of my firm or lateral to another large law firm in SF, at least to get myself over there.

    So, a little while ago a (non-lawyer) relative of mine was at a party and met someone who is a relatively senior in-house lawyer at a company in NYC. Somehow they started talking about me, and it turns out that senior in-house lawyer is currently looking for a litigator at my level, and was (apparently) intrigued by my background and said that relative should have me send her my resume, if I would be interested. That was pretty much the extent of the conversation, so I have no idea what exactly this job is, and have very little information about the in-house lawyer aside from her name and email address. I was not able to find the job posting through googling/etc.

    The company is in an industry that is very appealing to me, and I know that it can be very difficult to find in-house jobs for litigators, so I am intrigued — EXCEPT the job is in NYC, and I really want to move (perhaps even more than I want to leave BigLaw). So I have a few questions: (1) is it okay to send my resume anyway, knowing that I probably ultimately wouldn’t want this job? (I’m assuming that if I somehow got it, it would not be great to take it knowing that I want to leave/move in a year or two?); (2) if I do decide to apply/send my resume, what do I say in this email, given that I know basically nothing about the position? and finally (3) if I do not want to apply for this job, would it be at all appropriate to ask if this woman would be willing to have coffee/an informational interview with me so that I could learn more about working in-house/future career options/etc.?

    Thanks in advance for any advice!

    1. (1) YES! You are considering this job, so it’s worth exploring further to decide if you would want it or not. (2) That you would love more information and to talk about the opportunity. (3) Also yes.

  18. Hi guys. Need to vent. I work for a small-to-medium sized organization and report to the CEO, along with two other people. Last spring, we had a series of events related to bad governance at the highest levels (Board) that led to a huge leadership vacuum. One of my two direct peers recently left the organization, and I recently received an offer to do the same. Our CEO has also been looking for a new job and we’ve all been in the loop about one another’s dealings/potential departures. My CEO even served as a reference for me with this new offer and, really, has been nothing but supportive.

    Today, I went to the CEO to tell him what my projected timing was for giving notice (still have some hoops to jump through yet with New Employer) and when I thought my last day might be. I’m planning to give 2+ weeks formal notice, for the record, and he does not have to (and will not) notify our Board until he receives my letter of resignation. Out of nowhere, he told me he’s thinking of making me leave the building when I give my notice and/or just a couple of days later — this is because I’m going to a competitor organization and he’s afraid of how things will look if I remain at our org. I didn’t say much about this and we moved on to other topics, but I’m REALLY hurt by this.

    Now, I completely understand that an organization has to protect itself — but there’s a high level of trust (or so I thought) at the top of our institution, and there are relationships with external stakeholders that I should — and plan to — transition to other members of my team. We have a big meeting the first week of March that I’m planning and staffing, and a host of other things I want to help shift off seamlessly so that my current employer suffers as little as possible when I go. Any knowledge I have about what goes on at my org is knowledge I already have; I won’t be able to glean a lot more in two weeks. More than this, the climate at work is weird (due to aforementioned leadership issues last year) and I know that my being essentially told to leave will perpetuate feelings of fear and confusion — not good! I am well-liked in my organization and am widely seen as the strongest leader of our senior team — not being immodest, just truthful.

    So…how sad should I be about this? I clearly have no incentive to give any more than two weeks’ notice at this point, but beyond that what do I need to be doing/thinking about in order to protect myself?

    1. It’s not personal – it’s business.

      Make sure you have anything you want to take with you (contact information, personal information from computer, etc) already packed up and out the door BEFORE you give notice. Assume that the minute you hand in your notice you will have zero access to anything.

      1. Yup. And your CEO did you a favor by giving you a head’s up that this would happen. Now you have time to make sure your personal belongings, etc. are in order. Assume that you will be marched out of the building as soon as you give notice. Don’t plan on those two weeks’ worth of salary.

    2. You don’t need to do anything, you’re not being hurt by them wanting you to leave immediately if you’re going to work for a competitor. It’s just the way some businesses work.

    3. This happens to people all the time. Of course, it’s not the best scenario, but I wouldn’t take it personally. You’ve been lucky to be able to have the CEO as a reference, and the CEO is giving you a heads up so you know ahead of time. At least your personal and professional relationships are still in tact. That’s what matters.

    4. Agree. I’d be hurt on a personal level, but anytime you give notice, you should fully prepared. I say this as someone who suffered through a mass layoff from my first job at an investment bank–everyone was marched out by group by floor to get fired, and then each terminated employee had ten mins with a security guard watching to clean out their desk, computer already locked out. No access to contacts or personal files or anything. It was awful.

    5. When I was laid off from a position at a mid-sized law firm, I was called down to the CFO’s office, informed of the lay off and asked to turn in my badge. His assistant had grabbed my coat, bag and purse from my cube and left it outside the CFO’s door. The other personal items I had in my cube that were not in plain sight were delivered to me at my home the next week. Not the kindest or most professional way of laying people off, but it wasn’t just me. It is really not personal and I agree with the other posters – it was nice of him to give you the heads up that it might go down that way.

  19. Not your monkeys, not your circus. The organization will do what it wants to do, regardless of your feelings or opinions. I would just do as much as I could now (before New Employer finalizes offer) to make sure all my work in progress is neatly documented and ready for someone else to pick up. I realize this is personal to you, but boss’s comment is much more likely related to what’s happened in the past and with other team members than it is related to you. All you can control is how organized things are when you leave.

  20. I’m traveling to Oxford, UK for a deposition. I’ll be flying into Heathrow. What’s my best option for getting from Heathrow to Oxford?

    1. I’ve used Meadway, a private car service in London that I truly love. They’ve picked me up at Heathrow and driven me to my hotel in London (and waited for me for a long time when I had to deal with the airline because my bags failed to arrive) and they also took me from the hotel to Oxford. Totally reliable. Take a look at Meadway dot com. You can book online.

      1. Yes, it’s called the Oxford Airline. You book in advance online. (Not to be confused with the Oxford Tube, which goes into the centre of London).

        Buses are caught from the central bus station at LHR, which is at Terminal 3. There’s free use of the Heathrow Express train service as a shuttle between Terminals if you’ve landed elsewhere.

    4. The trains are surprisingly easy. And if you’re delayed you just hop on the next. Nice views, as well.

  21. A couple of weeks ago I asked for advice about ski gear and I want to thank everybody for the very helpful responses! New Guy and I had a great time on our trip, the ski gear I ended up buying worked out well, and overall it was a very fun time.

    Except for the part where I broke my ankle on the bunny hill on the last day of the trip…

    1. Oh no! What a rough end to your trip – I’m so sorry. Just out of (morbid?) curiosity, how on earth did you break your ankle with ski boots on? Did you lose a boot? Hope your recovery goes quickly and smoothly!

      1. LOL I just lost it and kind of cartwheeled. My ski rotated with my foot still attached and maybe didn’t detach from the bindings as quickly as it should have? I thought it was a sprain and was dumbfounded when I went to the doc after I got home and he said it was broken. Fortunately I have a walking boot instead of cast and crutches.

        And on the bright side, New Guy has cooked me dinner twice in the four days we’ve been home… ;)

  23. hello, I have a question about YNAB. I am in the negative for Feb because its my first month and I started half way through the month so its technically missing a paycheck but it also has me in the negative for March, even though I haven’t put my bills in yet. Is there a way to fix that or will I be permanently in the negative on the software?

    1. Hi new Ynaber: I could go through a detailed explanation, but honestly, you just need to learn the system. YNAB works differently than all traditional budgeting: you start with your Income, not your expenses, and only pay for the things you can afford till the next paycheck comes in. It was really hard for me to understand based on explanations, though, I had to watch the videos and after I got through a few tutorials it totally made sense and you will not be in the negative ever again and it will start to make intuitive sense to you.

      Go to this page: http://www.youneedabudget.com/support/article/introduction-to-ynab-class-materials you can watch videos of past classes on your own schedule, without having to schedule one of their live classes. Start with the first video and go through a few, and then if you still don’t quite get it, start iwth the first video again before you try to set up your budget. Good luck!!!

        1. Yeah, it was so confusing until it finally clicked. I think I watched the first 2-3 videos about three times each before I was able to finally set up mine and keep going with no errors. You can do it!

          If you have more specific questions, come back and ask, i’m usually around ;o)

  24. Are rose gold watches a fad? Or is it here to stay? I am considering purchasing a rose gold watch, but I don’t want to buy a half decent watch if this time next year it will be passé.

    1. I’ve been wondering this myself. I was always into silver, but am now in to gold. If I buy permanent jewelry should I buy gold or silver?

      Rose gold is very pretty. Do you love it or just like it? What does the watch cost?

    2. I’ve just bought into the rose gold trend, so chances are it is at least a little passé.

      That said, I think it’s perfect for a watch because it looks good with both silver and gold jewellery elsewhere, so you don’t need to worry about matching.

      I have the Fossil Stella watch, so even if rose gold begins to look totally horrible in a few years’ time, it’s not too much money wasted.

      That said, rose gold has been around for a good few years now, and I can’t see it actually going away any time soon. I think, like skinny jeans, it’s gone from being ‘trendy’ to being a general staple. Not particularly cool anymore, but also not going to be uncool any time soon.

  25. Okay, ladies, career advice brainstorming time. Have any of you learned to be happy in a career that isn’t naturally a great fit? I’m a second-year litigation lawyer who basically fell into the career only after realizing last minute that I really DID NOT want to go to med school (family really pushed me to be a doctor) and that my bachelors degree wasn’t as useful as I’d hoped it would be. Law school seemed like a decent alternative at the time for a lot of terrible reasons, and somehow I’m now a lawyer.

    While I really do enjoy the legal research and writing aspects of my current job, I’m also naturally very introverted and non-confrontational, so depositions/motion hearings/oral arguments don’t come naturally at all. I asked for a bit of transactional work to see if I preferred that, but oh my gosh I have never been so bored in my life! At least litigation is interesting. Right now going back to school is not really an option financially, so the way I see it I need to (1) find some way to be happy as an introverted non-confrontational lawyer who thinks transactional work is dull, or (2) find something else to do with this degree. Any ideas?

    1. Not a lawyer at all, but I’m a very introverted person in a career path that’s very oral/confrontational/I feel like I’m performing a lot. I’m not sure what I feel is a “natural” career path for someone like me, but I basically just decided to learn all that stuff that doesn’t come as easily to me- mostly stuff that involves public speaking or even just talking to others I don’t know. Once I built those skills, I find that being introverted and naturally observant makes me better at my job than people who tend to be more extroverted because I’m more perceptive and better at argumentation because I’m actually taking in information rather than spending all my time thinking about how I’m going to respond like some of my colleagues do. I would say go for what’s interesting and build the skills you don’t have. Also, when I got good at the stuff that didn’t come easily to me, I started to love what I was doing a lot more and found it a lot more interesting.

      1. How did you improve your public speaking skills? I’m currently trying to practice as much as I can, but I’m not sure whether I’m getting any better.

        1. Honestly I just sought out opportunities to practice a lot to become more comfortable with it. I think most of my problems stemmed from being freaked out. I’ve had friends highly recommend Toastmaster’s, but I haven’t actually done it myself. I also observed other people a lot and try to imitate what I thought they did well, and I read up on a lot of tips online. My approach wasn’t very systematic, and I’m sure you could do better. Regardless, I think practicing a lot and getting feedback whether you do that at work or with some other group of people is key.

        2. I’m a serious introvert (I swear, I used to blush if you even looked at me) and I do a ton of public speaking at my current job, and I even enjoy it.

          The secret is practice, practice, practice. It gets easier over time, you get better at it, people start to praise you for it, and when you become known for having that specific skill, then you start to feel good doing it.

          I went out of my way to watch excellent public speakers, make notes about what they did, and tried to add their techniques to my repertoire. I made as many presentations as I could (educational talk for the public? I’m in. Lecture for students? can’t wait.) No matter how boring the topic or if it was something I could push on someone more junior, I did it. I asked mentors to watch my talks and give me feedback on how to improve. Initially, I practiced like crazy for every talk, made my boyfriend watch me practice, etc. Now I don’t really have to practice any more (although I still do for important ones!) but it took a while to get there.

          A number of my colleagues have used toastmasters, which I think is essentially just another venue to put in the practice time, and have been really happy with it. You have to be able to make their schedule work for you though, which may not be easy.

          As a natural introvert (now a surgeon) a lot of skills I now use daily didn’t come naturally to me. When I was an undergraduate, blushing and hiding through all my classes, I decided that I had to learn people skills if I wanted to succeed, and I took a job as a waitress to force me to talk to strangers on a regular basis. It sounds like a tiny thing, but at the time, it was really scary! But once you are doing it regularly it becomes routine, you develop the skill set, and now people who meet me tend to think I’m an extrovert (I’m still not though!) I treated public speaking as the same sort of a challenge- do it enough, and it will become routine, and you won’t have anxiety or stress about it, and you will learn the skills by practice. And it worked really well for me!

    2. Appellate work. I had a friend who used to work for our state’s appellate public defender’s office, and she mostly did researching and writing. Very little client contact and very little oral argument.

        1. How easy is it to get into appellate without a clerkship or top 10% grades?

          1. Federal appellate work, probably not unless you went to a top school. State appellate work, it depends on the state. I suspect it’s easier in smaller states then, say, NY or CA.

    3. If you like research , how about doing regulatory work in some area of the law? I have a transactional/regulatory practice for a specific industry and it’s pretty interesting. Plenty of client contact if you enjoy it and not a lot of adversarial work unless a deal starts to get off track.

  26. I’m in my early 30s and have decided that I need to add a foundation/bb/cc cream to my makeup routine to add some polish to my look. I’m pretty comfortable applying makeup generally (eyeliner, mascara, shadow, etc.) but have never consistently used anything as an all-over base. I am totally overwhelmed by the options and would love some suggestions.

    My skin: Pale (Irish), tendency toward redness, especially my nose. Normal/dry, a bit sensitive. Some visible pores, occasional hormonal acne and stubborn clogged pores/blackheads around nose.

    Looking for: cream/lotion (no mineral powders), coverage for the redness but still natural looking, and something I can pick up at Sephora or a drugstore.

    TIA!

    1. If you can get No7 products (made by Boots) their Superlight foundation is amazing. It makes my skin look how I think it looks without makeup. (That is, it covers the redder areas on my cheeks while still looking natural)

    2. I’m also red (rosacea) and use Stila color correcting BB cream. It comes out of the tube green but turns to the tone you purchased once you put it on and rub it in. If you’re really red, Stila also makes a color correcting powder with shades of pink, green, and purple that is really effective in toning down red. I also use MAC concealer under the BB cream on days when my nose is particularly red.

      All that said, the Stila Color Correcting BB cream and some powder generally does a good enough job for me.

    4. I would give the exact same description of my skin as you do–I recommend Clinique’s CC cream

  27. Is it always a very bad career move to quit a job without another one lined up? I am in my late 30’s and am in-house counsel in Silicon Valley. I have become very unhappy at my job and recently decided it’s time to leave CA and move to a city with a lower cost of living. I think it will be much easier to job search if I am not an out-of-state candidate and can devote my time to interviews. On the other hand I will look significantly better as a candidate if I am still employed especially in a smaller job market, but I could use my move to explain why I left my current job. And it would be great to take a few months off to focus on the move and exploring the new city. I have a very large savings account so would be fine money-wise even if it took a very long time to find my next job, though I don’t love the thought of burning through money without bringing any in. I would love any input, especially from anyone who has done something similar. I am very risk-averse but now think it may be time to take some risks.

    1. Quitting without anything probably isn’t the worse, but I wouldn’t do it unless you had a really toxic workplace. Having a plan for going forward might be enough to temper the urge to leave immediately and would help extend the income producing time frame.

      Why not start with the job searching now, before you quit? Yes, job hunting might be easier with a local address, but if you explain the the move is happening anyway for personal reasons, how much does the address matter? How are you going to know the best place to move without knowing what the job prospects are?

    3. Honestly, I wouldn’t do it. I know someone who did it and, surprisingly (given excellent credentials) is still unemployed two years later. The downside risk is just really high, you know?

  28. I did something like this a few years ago and although it worked out fine, I wouldn’t do it again if I could avoid it. I was miserable in my job at the time, and wanted to take some time to volunteer/travel and try to switch industries. To be honest, I’ve been surprised at what a non-issue it’s been, although it was within my first few years out of undergrad, so that might make a difference.

    I am also pretty risk-averse, so it was empowering for me to say “it’s not worth it to continue being this miserable, and I’ve made financial decisions that allow me to leave.” To this day, leaving that situation is still one of the best career decisions I’ve made, because it felt like I was being true to who I really am and not letting money dictate what I knew was the right decision.

    That said, the big question to ask yourself is if you’ll be able to be able to enjoy exploring your new city without a job lined up. Even though I was fine financially, it was stressful to see my account balances decreasing each month, and I didn’t enjoy that time as much as I might have if I knew I had a job on the other end. Because I didn’t know when I would get a job, I felt less comfortable spending money on non-essentials. Also, your negotiating position is not as strong. By the end, I knew I was lowering my standards because I was anxious to be working again.

    My $.02 would be to try a long-distance job search for a month or two while you run all the numbers and figure out exactly how you’ll cover health insurance, moving costs, etc. That may also give you a sense of how the market is. In my mind, the ideal situation is to move with some time off so you can explore while knowing you have a job lined up on the other end.

    1. Your second paragraph exactly describes how I feel. I have a particular city in mind but it is not a strong legal market so while I could do a job search for a month or two I suspect it will take a while to find something, and the thought of staying here in the meantime kills me a bit. I have purely liquid savings of $400k so I wouldn’t have any financial concerns for quite a while. Does any of that change your advice?

      1. So sorry, just saw this. I don’t know if that changes the advice, because at the end of the day, it’s whatever you are comfortable with. $400K seems like a big cushion to me, but how does it feel to you? What will you think if you’re still looking for a job a year or two down the road? How will you feel introducing yourself to new acquaintances without a job (sounds silly, but it makes you realize how frequently work is a topic of conversation, especially when meeting new people)?

        Leaving a bad situation was worth it for me, but I don’t want to sugar-coat unemployment. I had a 20 hr/week volunteer commitment, which made a big difference, but the days can be lonely and if you’re not disciplined, it can be very easy to fall in to the black hole that is the Internet and wonder where the day went :)

        I would think through how you would respond to these situations as well as what really matters to you – do you care about taking a step back professionally if you have better balance? I also tried to distinguish between running from something and running to something. Once I knew what I was looking for, I felt more comfortable leaving to pursue that. It seems like you’re in that place, but I found the distinction to be a helpful gut check.

  29. I recently went back to work after staying home for a few years with my babies. I am thinking of investing in a burberry trench coat. Thoughts? I feel so out of it fashion-wise, I am scared to make such a big purchase and then find out that it I won’t be able to wear it for 30 years, as I would assume in justifying the purchase. Any feedback appreciated!

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