Weekend Open Thread

255 Comments

1. I am considering trying Whole30, and I’ve heard it mentioned here numerous times. I think the hardest part for me will be the “no legumes” rule. I consider beans to be a major part of my healthy diet, but I do understand why they’re not included here. We also tend to make a lot of sauces, many of which I suspect will be forbidden (added sugars and what not).

   For those of you who have done Whole30, what does a typical dinner look like? Do weeknight dinners typically consist of a relatively plain protein+veggies? Any suggestions here? I’m sure I should just go buy the book but I’m trying to save that expense.

   What was the hardest part for you? Did it actually make you feel better? What would you say the most positive benefits were?

   1. You don’t need to buy the cookbook – you can find lots of compliant recipes online.

   2. Haven’t done but apparently follow a lot of bloggers and friends who do. I would search #whole30 on instagram or whatever and you will certainly find a LOT of recipes that are compliant!

   3. I am a whole30 evangelist (multiple rounds including a whole100), although I also don’t love the no legumes rule. However, the idea (as you know) is to do it for 30 days and you can do legumes as your first re-intro to evaluate how you (and your digestive system) feel about them. My post-whole30 life generally includes legumes and non-gluten grains (rice mostly).

      You are going to have to make all of your own sauces – there is almost nothing storebought you can eat (except hot sauce, fancy paleo mayo and other paleo condiments like tessamae’s) – but those are not that hard. If you are a ketchup fan, google whole30 ketchup and play around with that. I make my own mayo and ranch (google dump ranch).

      Some of my favourite dinners: spaghetti squash with homemade meat sauce, paleomg buffalo chicken casserole, bunless burgers with sweet potatoes, “tacos” with lettuce wraps or just taco salad, cauliflower fried rice, chocolate chili, homemade potato salad and steak. (You can google all these recipes, there’s also great pinterest boards). Paleomg has a few recipes, and Mel Joulwan’s blog has a ton. Follow the whole30 instagram for rotating recipe bloggers every week.

      The hardest time period is days 2-5?ish and days 25-29 probably. The hardest thing about it is that you can’t really eat out, work lunches/happy hours/events are basically impossible, and you become a bit social-hermit-ish. BUT, the physical benefits are amazing – weight loss (big for me), overall energy levels, reduction in cravings, happy tummy. Psychologically, I feel it really improved my relationship with food – it helps me know that I CAN say no to food I don’t want/need. I had a lot of trouble with that before.

   4. I just did a Whole30 a couple months ago and I really loved it. Most of my lunches / dinners were meat + veggie + potato. I mixed and matched those components, and didn’t really follow any formal recipes (although WK is right, there are a ton available online). I was worried about getting bored, but I didn’t really have that problem – I did commit to buying a variety of different veggies and proteins so I wasn’t eating the same thing every single day.

      There were two really hard things for me: First, actually cooking all.the.time. There were some nights I just did not want to deal with it. I tried to prep stuff ahead of time on the weekends as much as possible to help with that. Second, socializing. It’s a huge pain to eat out, and that’s a major component of my social life, so that was hard.

      I am really glad I did the Whole30. I only lost a couple of pounds, but my sleep improved noticeably, and I was really, really happy after the first two weeks or so. I had no idea that the food I was eating might have been contributing to my emotional state, but it definitely was. Whole30 also helped change my relationship with food – it was very freeing to say “I do not eat X because it does not make me healthier” instead of constantly debating with myself about whether I should or should not eat something in any given moment.

      I’ve continued to eat Whole30 “ish” and I still see a lot of those benefits. I definitely notice a difference mentally and emotionally when I get too far off track.

      As far as sauces go, check out Tessemae’s – I ordered their Whole30 pack when I started. It was expensive, but they were all really tasty and having them all on hand gave me a lot of variety to help with the boredom.

   5. The book is pointless–their website has all you really want to know.

      Typical dinner was some sort of meat sauteed in olive oil or ghee, or baked, with veggies of some sort and some sweet potato for the carbs. It’s restrictive and it ends up boring you to tears. It was great for me for a month (metabolic issues due to PCOS), but it’s unsustainable over the long term.

      The people who came up with it are selling it as some sort of magic fix for all the health buzzwords, and it’s not. It’s a low-carb diet, lower-calorie diet, full stop. You’ll find yourself unable to consume many processed meats, any cheeses, any alcohol and virtually all convenience or restaurant food, and those are really good ways to reduce calories and lose weight. So long as you go in with a reasonable understanding of what it actually is rather than the panacea it claims to be, it can be a really good way to kick off some needed weight loss.

      1. I thought there was no dairy in Whole30. Ghee is made from butter.

         1. For whatever reason, ghee is an exception to the no dairy rule.

            1. Ghee is clarified butter, with the milk solids removed. I imagine the reason it’s ok is because whatever’s left is pure fat.

   6. I recently did it and am glad I did — it made me incredibly aware of how much added, non-intuitive sugar is in our food, and made me really concentrate on my veggie consumption. I was also reluctant to begin because I eat a tremendous amount of beans and little meat. But I made it through and lost more weight than expected.

      That said, I felt absolutely no better, other than being happy about the number on the scale. I have no food intolerances or issues that magically cleared up. Running was a lot less pleasant with rice and pasta as fuel, though, so there was a distinct downside for me. I will probably do it again, because the weight loss is worth it to me, but it was a hassle (eating with friends, visiting with friends, working late) that I am not sure most people need to take on.

   7. Might be too late for people to see this, but has anyone done a Whole30 with non-Whole30 people living in the house? I have a husband and three small kids who probably wouldn’t be along for the ride, and I don’t know if I could deal with the temptation…

2. Do you change when you get home from work?

   I know this is silly, but if I’m going to change, I’d usually it rather be directly into my PJs. However, I then take the dog out right before bed (the place she potties is actually on the roof of my building, so while I don’t have to leave my building, I do often see my neighbors and their dogs). I usually put a robe on, but this still feels super lazy. Do you guys have an in-between outfit you put on after work, but before bed?

   I guess this is what leggings are for…

   1. I have lounge clothes to change into when I get home if I’m not going out again. In summer, this means a loose-fitting knit dress or a light skirt and tank top. In colder weather, I have sweats and tees. All of my lounge clothes could go outside for a dog walk, although I might put my bra back on beforehand.

   2. My “in-between” outfit is usually leggings and a long sweater or long tee, and yes, I do usually change. I would not go out in a robe, but that’s just me.

   3. Yep — I have a “cute loungewear” category of my wardrobe — sweatpants, leggings, etc. I just augmented it with some new Zella from the NAS.

   4. Lounge wear–sweat pants or leggings, and an easy-to-move-in shirt. With a zip-up hoodie for warmth.

   5. Yes, I typically change into leggings and long tank top or sweater, depending on the weather.

   6. I find that leggings are too much work to put on. It needs to go on easily in one light pull. Loose yoga pants or shorts. Some sort of long-sleeved T. Coobie. And socks. I really like something cushy on my feet.

      I have some nicer athleisure wear, but have learned that I don’t want to wrestle it on, esp. at the end of the day. Too much like spanx.

      I only wear PJs to bed — it’s a clean bed thing maybe?

   7. I sleep in loungewear, so I change straight into my PJs, but they’re also acceptable to wear outside.

      1. This.

   8. Yep. I walk the dog at night and don’t really want to wander the neighborhood in my pajamas. I change to weekend clothes when I get home, then change to pjs after I’ve walked the dog and taken a shower.

   9. Yeah, I usually wear pretty much casual weekend clothes – in the summer, that’s shorts or a casual skirt and a tank top or t shirt; in the winter, usually jeans or yoga pants and a sweater. I try not to go right into pjs or lounge wear, because that makes me feel really lazy. (Though I might if I get home really late or don’t feel good.)

   10. I change into workout clothes – usually leggings + sports bra + tank + cute sweatshirt/sweater if needed. Sometimes I actually workout…

   11. I buy black PJ pants and plain cotton tanks for PJs, so all I need to do to take the dog out is throw on a sports bra and sweatshirt/jacket (if needed).

   12. I change into a t-shirt and gym shorts or yoga pants (summer) or leggings and a very casual sweater or sweatshirt (winter) as soon as I get home. I usually sleep in just a tank top (in the summer) or sweats (in the water) so yeah I have in-between clothes that are more workout/lounge clothes than what I actually sleep in.

   13. Yeah, I change out of work clothes right away (not trying to let baby destroy everything!) and into like, lightweight cotton shorts and a tee, or yoga pants and a tank top. Sometimes I end up running to the store or walking down the street, and I’m not too ashamed. I don’t consider them pajamas ’cause I usually sleep just in undies.

   14. I had a roommate years ago who would get home from work and be in her PJs on the couch by 5:30 just about every day. It was so annoying to see someone who had no plans to do a single thing, ever, that required clothes after work. It made me lose respect for her to the point where her presence annoyed me.

       FFWD to now, I don’t want my husband to see me in that same light. I was getting in the habit of putting on the clothes I would sleep in right after work (mostly to preserve my work clothes and avoid them being covered in cat hair), i.e., an old t-shirt and nasty old sweatpants. I realized that to feel like a human with a life after work, I should have some clothing options between pjs, jeans, or work clothes. So I bought some cute loungey sweatpants that I wear with stylish t-shirts and sweaters at home, hanging on the weekends, etc.

       Of course, I write this while sitting on the couch in my underwear and a t-shirt at 2:30 on a Saturday. So, perhaps its time for me to up my game again.

3. My cousin Petra has tried this Whole 30, and she lost 15 pound’s, so it CAN work for us, and Petra is a doctor, so she knows what is good and what is a fad. Petra can NOT eat Gluten so this is the reason she decided to try this. Also, it was NOT dificult for her to give up legumes b/c they gave her alot of Gas, anyway. I recomend Whole30 to the HIVE. YAY!!!!!!

4. I’m coming up on 20 years of friendship with a group of amazing women (there are 5 of us) and I’d like to give them a gift to help celebrate. One of the my friends gave us a pretty silver key chain a few years ago so I don’t want to repeat that. I’m thinking something I can personalize, probably by engraving with the name we’ve given our group and the years we’ve known each other. I’m not feeling anything on Things Remembered. Does anyone have ideas? Specific shops on Etsy that may have something good? All suggestions would be much appreciated!

   1. My fake mom died recently. And one of the things I kept (I was allowed!) was this beautiful box that said

      To [Name] The best is yet ahead. Love, [Name 2].

      I love this little box for so many reasons. It reminds me of fake mom. It reminds me of the friendship those ladies had for over fifty years, and it reminds me to be sunny about the future, instead of worrying.

      If you could personalize something like that, with a sentiment like that…just whoa. I am sure they’d love it!

   2. How long is the group name? If it’s short enough, the group name in morse code would make a good bracelet or necklace. Etsy has people who will do custom work.

      Engraved silver candlesticks or silver serving platters is another idea.

      1. The group name is only one short word, so I’ll definitely look into this. Thank you!

   3. I have used an Etsy seller called SpiffingJewelry for a custom necklace for a friend. She does personalized bar necklaces or larger necklaces big enough for a quote. I had one made for a friend that is what our congregation says as part of the benediction every Sunday. She wears it a lot! You send the quote or saying or whatever, choose the font, and the metals.
      https://www.etsy.com/listing/57366286/custom-quote-necklace-hand-stamped?ref=shop_home_active_6

   4. Miramonte Winery does etched wine bottles (or champagne bottles). They have a lot of designs and a lot of ways to have names, dates, etc. put on them. The wine is also very tasty, and you can get all sorts of discounts on it if you sign up for their email.

   5. A friend had ordered a china storage container from one of those online print shops, with two photos from the group (one serious, one silly). This may sound a bit mundane, but I smile everytime I take a cup of rice from my pantry!

5. Anyone have recommendations for a ribbed tank top? The last good once I bought were from Gap, but I can’t find any I like anywhere.

   1. Any reason they have to be ribbed? the best one’s I’ve found are favorite tanks from Merona at Target, but I like the un-ribbed version far better.

      1. I just prefer ribbed!

   2. I really like the ribbed tanks from Old Navy. They’re surprisingly nice quality.

      1. Agreed. I had a couple I wore throughout my pregnancy, and they did not become the least bit misshapen, despite being worn when I was massive. They are nice and long too.

6. I’m going to Argentina in a couple of months- any suggestions for must do things? I’ll be travelling around the country.

   1. Iguazu Falls (Argentina side only, for one day – not worth the hassle to see the Brazil side)
      Hiking the Perito Moreno glacier in southern Patagonia (stay in El Calafate and take a day trip)
      Hiking elsewhere in Patagonia – El Chalten or Bariloche
      Buenos Aires, obviously! Visit the art museums, shop in Palermo (or Recoleta if you like super high end designers), eat delicious food, etc.

   2. I haven’t been to Patagonia, but I second Emmer’s other recommendations. Buenos Aires is really an incredible shopping city. San Telmo is another shopping neighborhood with a flea market and antique stores and also just a really fun place to hang out.

      If you like wine, Mendoza offers the opportunity to try/purchase some great wines that are an incredible value for their quality. I would say that for the most part the vineyard experiences there don’t compare to Napa though (more touristy, less fancy), but I did do a horseback vineyard tour that was really fun.

   3. Polo day at Puesto Viejo!

      Also, I took two days to do Iguazu Falls (only the Argentina side) and preferred that so that I could have a more relaxed pace. You will have to fly if you’re coming from BA.

      Bariloche is not in Patagonia – it’s in the Lake District. Patagonia is super-awesome, but just FYI in case you were thinking of combining the two…they are not close to each other at all.

   4. In BA we enjoyed the touristy bus that loops around the city. It was a nice way of getting a sense of the entire city and seeing neighborhoods that were further from Recoleta. It takes a while to fly to Iguazu so id recommend taking 2 days to visit the falls.

7. Skip this post if you’re sick of talking about politics.

   So, for those of you who have had in-depth conversations with Trump supporters, or who are actually Trump supporters yourselves… is there any chance he’s not as terrible as I think he is? My mom’s whole retort to my claims that he’s awful is that he’s “not as bad as I think he is”, “I don’t have all the facts”, and that I’m close-minded.

   I’m so sick of this narrative that Hillary is just as bad as he is. No, she’s not. She’s done some sketchy things, just like ALL OTHER POLITICIANS have, but she’s being held to a much, much higher standard. She’s not untrustworthy, you just don’t think she sounds genuine because she’s not a great speaker and because she’s steady and calculating (which I consider to be a good trait for the next Commander in Chief).

   I mean, Trump’s as bad as everyone thinks he is, right?!

   1. When I talk to Trump supporters, usually they just say that the things I find super problematic aren’t a problem and I’m being too sensitive (stuff about banning muslims, generally being a misogynist, racist, etc.) This particular group of people also don’t think it matters that he doesn’t have a ton of experience (which in my book is not necessarily a disqualifying factor if you’re a committed and diligent learner, which he isn’t) but that’s largely because I think they think that if you’re heart is in the right place and/or you have jesus then everything will be fine and competence and skill is a non-issue.

      All this to say that I really think this highlights progressively divergent values in this country. You think he’s terrible because he doesn’t share your values. Other people like him because he shares theirs. I think those respective sets of values and social norms are moving farther away from each other. It also helps him that he’s the voice of a group of people who feel left behind, but that’s been discussed here before.

      Those are my more measured thoughts on the issue. In response to your question. Yeah, he’s terrible. He disgusts me.

      1. I have a hard time understanding what values he even has. He obviously didn’t have any real policy values before last year, so he’s literally just feeding conservatives what his party has told him they want to hear (like how he’s suddenly pro-life, for example).

         So unless your values solely consist of racism, sexism, and xenophobia, this whole “values” argument is a sham (not saying that about you, anon at 2:16, but where you got it from– his supporters).

         1. Well I meant more the values that his supporters and likely voters tend to have, which I think is general social conservatism. So they have their needs and desires in life, and there isn’t much room for other people (i.e. people who don’t look like them or behave the way they want them to) I don’t think they value racism, sexism, xenophobia etc per se, but they value “freedom,” “civil liberties,” etc, which in these peoples’ case usually means theirs should trump yours (no pun intended).

            I don’t think that makes it any less racist, sexist, or xenophobic, but I think those kinds of biases are coloring how they’re looking at what they see as the issue, which is those things plus others, like economic opportunities.

            Please don’t mistake me for excusing these people or otherwise not thinking that this is really, really terrible. I could go on about that, but frankly it will jeopardize my sanity.

            1. This is really inarticulate, but I’m sure everyone’s been around someone who has crazy racist/etc ideas and totally doesn’t get how that thing is racist because in their heads it’s actually about something else that makes total sense to them. I think it’s the same here. It’s amazing how ridiculous people can be.

   2. Uhhh she hasn’t done the same thing as other politicians. No way, no how.

      But yes, I think that Trump is as bad as everyone thinks he is. I am not voting for him but I do know people who are, and nobody likes him. Remember, only 30% of Repubilcans are happy with him as their candidate. This is not a typical year where people are voting for him because they like him.

      1. They may not like him but they are not uncomfortable with misogyny, racism and xenophobia if they are able to vote for him.

         1. Right. I don’t think it really matters whether people say “I like Trump” or “I hate Trump but I hate Hillary Clinton more.” If you’re voting for Trump, you’re a Trump supporter. And if you’re not voting or voting third party, you’re not a “#NeverTrump.” You’re a “#MaybeTrump.” The only way to firmly reject Trump is to vote for the only candidate who has any mathematical chance of beating him, i.e., Hillary Clinton.

   3. Yes, Trump is that bad. I admit I actually didn’t know that much about HRC before this campaign and I was really impressed by her bio (https://www.hillaryclinton.com/bio). She has a huge commitment to public service and has worked hard to change the country for the better for her entire life.

      Trump is not informed on foreign affairs, does not appear to understand how government functions and says awful ignorant things about every group that is not white, male and cis-gendered. He will sign anything that a Republican Congress puts in front of him.

      In response to “I don’t have all the facts” I would ask what specific facts she is referring to and then walk her through why those things are not true.

      1. I think one of the worst parts is that he doesn’t know or understand things and also has demonstrated little to no interest in learning!

   4. In case a conservative news sources would help convince your mom:
      “But virtually everything we do know about Trump is negative. He lies. He traffics in far-left conspiracy theories. He incites violence. He surrounds himself with thugs, cronies, and fools. He’s ignorant of the most basic realities of national security, foreign policy, and global economics. He has a decades-long record of corruption”

      http://www.nationalreview.com/article/433405/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-equally-terrible-conservatives

   5. I look at it like this. Even if Hillary is as corrupt as the right wants to make her out to be (which I don’t believe) at least she says things she believes in things that I think are important – childhood education, equality, helping people, etc. People can argue about whether they believe those are things she really believes in (which I think her record demonstrates she does), but Trump, by his own words, holds serious biases against Muslims, Mexicans, women and a whole host of other people. Who would say those types of things if they didn’t actually believe them? Is the right really arguing that he’s not really a racist, he just says those things why? To pander to the people who hold those beliefs? Is that really any better?

      Look, I know that most volumizing shampoos aren’t really going to deliver everything they promise, but if I’m looking for something to pump up my fine thinning hair, I sure as heck am going to pick the bottle that says “volumizing” over the one that “smooths and straightens”!

      1. THIS!! At the funeral for the slain Dallas police officers, President Bush said something like “So often we just ourselves by our best intentions, while judging others by their worst examples.” I feel like that’s the 2016 presidential election in a nutshell. People are nitpicking and pointing to tiny mistakes that Hillary Clinton has made, while giving a candidate who has said absolutely horrific (and in some cases blatantly unconstitutional) misogynistic, racist and anti-Muslim things the benefit of the doubt that he doesn’t really mean those things. It absolutely blows my mind.

   6. I feel like I’m going to regret posting this but here goes …

      I dislike him intensely. He says hateful, awful, fear-mongering things. He’s clearly racist.

      But some of his policy positions are actually non-stupid. Importing prescription drugs, and asking our NATO partners to contribute more to the partnership are two that I can think of off the top of my head. Though I will say that his delivery of his policy positions is frequently so muddled that it’s hard to parse.

      He’s an awful candidate and I would never vote for him. But that doesn’t mean all of his ideas are completely terrible. So, maybe that’s what she means by “not as bad as you think.” That’s the best possible light I can shed on that statement.

      1. It seems that the major issue with Trump for most people is that even if (and I don’t agree that he does) he had sensible policies in a couple of areas. Those policies cannot outweigh the enormous disregard he has demonstrated for those who are not heterosexual white males.

         And on those polices you referenced, they are ill informed. For example, “asking our NATO partners to contribute more to the partnership” doesn’t actual propose a clear policy. Contribute what? Money? Planes? Ground Troops? Many countries within NATO contribute via financial support or on the ground training or logistics or intelligence gathering/special forces because there is insufficient domestic political support in those countries to contribute actual airpower etc. I don’t believe Trump has the ability to understand what other countries negotiation limits are based on their own domestic political realities (they have to win their elections too). He is simply ill formed on every major topic and as anon at 2:47 pointed out – no desire to learn.

         1. Like I said I don’t disagree that he’s terrible. I was simply trying to consider what OP’s mom might have meant in the best possible light.

            1. I get that and you did a good job of explaining that. I was just trying to point out that OP/other dealing with Trump supporters should try to bring the discussion with Trump supporters to a fact based focus.

               It’s clear that people, especially older people, are afraid of all the change they see around them and voting for a Republican candidate is an anticipatable reaction. Appealing to their emotions likely won’t work but addressing Trump as incompetent to govern in a fact based way might actually work.

            2. I agree with you E.

               I am a Bernie supporter, very committed to voting for Hilary and would never vote for Trump.

               But yes – some of his comments about the effects our trade agreements have had on US workers, the outrageous fact that we do the majority of research/R&D for drug development and subsidize the worlds’ lower costs while pay among the highest, and the skewed role the US tends to take in international/NATO initiatives are areas worthy of discussion.

               Of course I would never vote for the guy. Of course these do not make up his dangerous rhetoric. But it is not hard AT ALL to see how these points can be valid touchstones for average people who can easily grab on to one or two issues to drive their voting decisions.

            3. This is a great example of how working from a fact based perspective can hopefully change the minds of those who are not turned off by the racism/sexism.

               Like on “the skewed role the US tends to take in international/NATO initiatives” , by showing that different countries contribute in different ways so that of the more than 100 000 UN peacekeepers deployed around the world in June 2016 (e.g. South Sudan), only 73 are American.
               http://www.un.org/en/peacekeeping/contributors/2016/jun16_1.pdf

            4. You missed my point, by picking a UN initiative that by origin is not what I was referring to.

               But fair enough.

            5. @shelly

               I know that’s not what you were referring to, that’s why I pointed it out. American seem to have a perception that they do a disproportionate amount of the heavy lifting in the international scene when that’s not true.

               It’s also pretty dismissive to refer to peacekeeping as a “UN initiative” – it’s a Nobel Peace Prize winning idea that prevents conflict and allows peace to firmly entrench in many areas of the world. It’s the glue that’s been holding the international system together since the 1960s.

   7. I am voting for Trump. I am an educated woman who owns a STEM business in the West.

      Top Reason: Terrorism
      I believe Europe is at war. There are attacks almost every day. Trump is on the right side of s very tough immigration/refugee issue. Europeans are realizing there is no easy way to screen immigrants, and countries like Germany already have over a million in their country. European countries like France are on the brink of being in a nonstop state of emergency. I don’t want that here. I agree with Trump that we need to severely curtail immigration from countries with a large militant extreme Islamic population until we can figure out proven methods for screening migrants safety.

      Immigration: I agree with Trump that we need to limit immigration from Mexico and South America. Here in the West our public schools are overloaded and failing, due to the pressure from a migrant population that has multiple needs (poverty, high risk behaviors, parents not in country, etc) that tax an already stressed educational system low on funds. Domestic immigration should be halted, especially so our schools can take care of our own citizens first. Immigrants and refugees receive more benefits in my state than the children of the working poor. That doesn’t seem right to me.

      Pro business policies vs. status quo:
      I would rather have a seasoned businessman running the country than eight more years of business as usual. The economy is shackled by red tape and beurocratic crony capitalism and Trump knows all about it – he’s been operating in this environment but he detests it and would like to change things to support American businesses. It’s about time a politician stood up for the people who actually create wealth in this country.

      Those are the big reasons. Terrorism is my number 1. I believe Hillary and the DNC would follow the path of Merkel. That is insanity.

      1. And you’re happy with the way Trump creates “wealth” and “does business” and think his model is a good one for the US government?

         That is really, unfortunate.

         What I hear is you want your taxes lowered. Am I right?

         1. I believe America and Europe had better quickly streamline their numerous entitlement programs and redirect their focus to defense and infrastructure improvements. We cannot afford our current commitments to entitlement programs, and our electronic grids, for example, are just one catastrophe away from disaster.

            Terrorism and policies related to it are the main issue for me now. I can’t believe the destruction of the feeling of safety in France, and I wonder how the posters here feel about the threat of Islamic terrorism. Hillary seems very much on Team Merkel.

            1. FWIW, this is actually from her page: “Hillary will focus resources on detaining and deporting those individuals who pose a violent threat to public safety, and ensure refugees who seek asylum in the U.S. have a fair chance to tell their stories.”
               To me this reads enforcement first, compassion second. Next to building a wall around the entire country (which imo is not even viable long-term, regardless of whether it fits with the values of a modern societies), that’s as christian-conservative as it gets.

            2. Hillary has said she wants to increase refugees from 10000 to 65000 a year, a very large increase. The Obama administration recently said it plans to speed up its screening process currently in place to hit the 10000 a year goal. Yet we already have documented failures in our own screening system. This is an area IMHO where the pro-refugee message sounds nice, but could be a real danger to our country’s future. All we need to do is look to Europe and their current challenges.

               Why do we believe we can do a better job screening than countries that have been trying to help for a long time? They now have a real problem on their hands with no clear solutions. Why not be more cautious? I see caution coming from Trump’s campaign, but not Hillary. She has changed some of her wording recently regarding g screening but as far as I know is still committed to increasing the refugee quotas Obama has in place by over 500% to 65000 per year. Insane.

            3. FWIW, I am a Christian who grew up in Dearborn, MI which is a Muslim majority city in parts and am not Muslim. The members of my community are hard-working immigrants and oppose ISIS even more strongly than most of us do because it effects friends, neighbors & family members. I work for a conservative Republican think tank, and can’t vote for the Republican candidate because of his unrepresentative view of Muslims and other groups. Most of my colleagues are also voting for the democratic candidate for this reason, though they would never say so publicly.

            4. Are you able to provide examples of these documented failures?

            5. Each decision has an opportunity cost though. To bar refugees from entry (and dangerous individuals) may at first glance be the safer choice. It however creates pressure in other areas. The countries that have to deal with this pressure, do see that one of the richest countries on earth saw the problem and decided not to help. They remember that. In the future they will be less willing to sell their oil to the US, or to take lecturing about democracy and human rights. Isolationism hurts any economy.

            6. I bet the Germans believed everything you just said. Two years ago, they believed it.

               I bet they are thinking differently now though!

            7. Oh yeah, and it should go without saying, but please realize that these numbers you give are not a reason to freak out. We are talking about going from a ridiculously small number to a higher, but still ridiculously small number of humans. One in 5000 Americans. You could put them all in a small city. Every year in the last 10 years, regular population growth has been 42 times as much. 4200% as much, if you will.

            8. It’s very likely several hundred of them WILL end up in a small city – and that city will very rapidly have a Sharia court to handle “community differences”.

            9. Also bear in mind that most of the European terrorist have, to my understanding, been carried out by homegrown terrorists. I’m not saying this is in any way an excuse, but France in particular has a long, tense, and oppressive relationship with its significant Muslim population–this is in no way new, and stems in large part from France’s colonial past in Algeria. The current climate of Islamic terrorism has brought a new dimension, but France has had difficult relations with its Muslim citizens for decades. Front National candidate reaches a run-off for the PM on a racist, anti-immigration (aka anti-Muslim and anti-African), isolationist platform? 2002. Ban on “conspicuous religious symbols” aka headscarves? 2004. If France had done a better job of integrating its Muslim communities and not segregating them out in the banlieues with no jobs, no education, and no opportunities–like the US has–I doubt it would be having the level of issues that it does, because conditions like that foster radicalization and become prime recruiting grounds for terrorist organizations. I understand that many of the same dynamics are playing out in Belgium, but am less familiar with the history there.

               All of that is to say, this is more complicated than “don’t let in refugees.”

            10. *terrorist attacks. Teach me to try to write something before coffee.

            11. Unless the United States is going to grow a land border with Europe or the Middle East, comparing the refugee situation in Germany is nonsensical. Many of the refugees in Germany are there because they physically walked there across Europe from Turkey. They were not screened before entering the country and there is a disproportionately large number of young men because they were the most physical able to complete the arduous journey

                In contrast, Canada has taken 25, 000 from refugees camps in Jordan and Turkey. They were screened once by the UN and screened again by Canada officials. They are almost exclusively young families with 3-5 children under the age of 10. There are been zero issues.

                It’s like saying that Germany needs to be worried about illegal immigration from Mexico.

                And all the Germans I know (went to grad school in Berlin) are much more concerned about whether or not it’s safe to vacation in the United States with the daily mass shootings than they are about refugee violence in Europe (California, Yellowstone, Grand Canyon New York City and Florida are very popular destinations with kids).

                Other poster rightly noted that most violence is from second generation immigrants who have been disenfranchised and not integrated the way immigrants are included in society in the United States.

      2. I agree with your issues, and with the poster above that pointed out some of his good policies. My problem with voting for him is that his way of enacting those policies are, to me, far more dangerous than any potential good that can come of them. I am from NJ. You can no longer see the old Twin Towers from my home. I have cousins in Israel. Terrorism has touched me, and I am lucky, because I have only been brushed by it.

         1. Trump does not say he wants to curtail immigrations from countries with extreme militant occupations. He says “Muslim populations” and that is very, very different.

         2. Is the aid in your state given at the state or federal level? Also, the money could have been earmarked long ago and is no longer discretionary.

         3. More red tape is created at the local levels, rather than at the national. Unless you are an international business. Way more businesses are affected by local policies than by national ones.

         Not so long ago, in the 20th century to be exact, in a civilized European country, a little man with a little mustache was elected leader. He, too, campaigned on a commitment to improve his country’s economy, which was in tatters. Even I can be impressed by the economy that he built in terms of infrastructure and the creation of scientific advancements and business expansion. But let us not forget that all this was outweighed by his discriminatory social policies.

         For anyone voting for him, I urge you to reread the President’s job description, as well as the Constitution. We are electing a leader. Good leaders are not necessarily likable, and they don’t need to share our values. They need to be able to listen, to learn, to solicit and accept specialists’ advice, to realize that their words matter, that people follow their example, and so on.

         Also remember that his business experience does not really prepare him for the job, as his two methods of success–declaring bankruptcy and firing employees–is not applicable here. The President cannot file for bankruptcy protection and they cannot fire Congress.

         1. Also, despite his vocal determination to bring back jobs, his merchandise is all made in China. He has never spoken about this, so how can his position be believable?

            1. He actually spoke about this in his interview on Sunday. Basically the answer was that it was cheaper to manufacture overseas so the other countries ‘forced him’ to manufacture there. He made more money using cheap overseas labor and expressed no intention to stop. No idea how he thinks this will bring jobs back to America. Tariffs on imported goods would need to be enormous before it would be cheaper to move clothing manufacturing back to the States.

         2. If you are going to bring up Hitler and make it a believable point, you really need to also being up the DNC and how they used their power to promote one candidate over another, even though they swore publicly to be neutral. It seems they colluded with all the major press outlets to promote their chosen candidate, and even offered important positions to big money donors. That is corruption, and it is proven.

            1. Sorry, bring instead of being.

               Also, I believe Wikileaks is waiting until October to release the emails that show Hillary breaking multiple laws around this issue.

               It is a shame. I hope the DNC changes their minds soon and Hillary steps down for another candidate who has a better record (like Bernie).

            2. Anonymous at 10:45 gets 1,000 bonus points for the creativity of comparing the DNC e-mail scandal to Hitler. Hilarious!

            3. Hitler controlled the media. It is obvious that the DNC controls major media. I’m having a feeling wiki leaks will soon show Hillary is orchestrating much of what is happening at the DNC. Bernie, Trump, and Stein supporters will be furious.

            4. I’m not sure how much documented corruption Hillary supporters will need to see before they can longer vote for her – but poll numbers suggest Wikileaks revelations are already having an effect.

      3. 1. Trump’s attitude will increase, not decrease, terrorism. It has been shown that a large part of France’s terrorism problem is due to Muslim immigrants feeling alienated from the French culture — e.g., the anti-hijab policy. That, so far, is not the case in the United States. Trump’s rhetoric could change that. http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/foreigners/2016/07/france_is_more_vulnerable_than_other_countries_to_attacks_like_nice.html

         2. I think that the immigrants from Mexico and South America, overall, appear to be more hard-working than Americans who have lived here for more than a generation. I also think that this is completely unrelated to the school issue, which is mostly related to issues with funding. HRC has better policies related to K-12 education than Trump. I don’t agree with the new free college nonsense in the platform, but I am hoping HRC pivots away from that position.

         3. America is very pro-business. I am a corporate lawyer, and nothing that I have seen has shown otherwise.

      4. Trump:

         (1) Does not know who the president of Mexico is.
         (2) Did not know that Russia invaded Crimea two years ago.
         (3) Thinks that one way to deal with terrorism is to “close up the internet.”

         This is just a small sampling of his horrific ignorance — and I’ll say it — downright stupidity about politics and policy. Do you really believe that this man is intellectually capable of being the president of the United States? Seriously? Does it not bother you that hundreds prominent Republicans — from the Bush administration, Reagan administration, former Congressman, journalists — have endorsed Clinton because he is completely unqualified and incompetent? That — despite their tough stances on immigration, opposition to abortion rights, desire to shrink the “welfare state” — they would rather see a Democrat in office because they believe a Trump presidency poses an actual risk to the country? How is it possible that your infinitesimal risk of dying in a terrorist attack is more troubling to you than is electing someone who knows nothing for the most challenging job in the world?

      5. I’m Muslim and my family’s Muslim. The idea that you think Muslims “will all end up in a town together” (because we don’t want to assimilate) which will need a “Sharia court” (because we’re all religious fanatics) is so deeply bigoted and ignorant that I am very glad I don’t know you in real life. And I hope we never meet.

         By the way, you’d never know that I’m Muslim, because I don’t conform to people’s stereotypes. I’m blonde (surprised?), Texan, a wine lover, and don’t speak any languages other than English. It’s amazing what people will say around you when they think you’re just like them.

         1. Why don’t you google “Sharia courts and Texas”? It looks like judges in Texas are passing laws to make Sharia type courts illegal. Many Muslims in Texas are protesting these decisions. It is happening.

         2. Agreed. I’m a Muslim that not easily identifiable as such because of my race and lack of covering. I’m so disappointed in the misinformation. This is not the country my (law abiding) refugee parents immigrated to some 30 years ago. The willful blindness to such hate is deeply hurting.

8. My husband got rejected from his dream job this morning (through an auto-generated email, no less, after two rounds of interviews that he nailed). He’s been on a slowly sinking ship at his current firm for many years and we both really thought this was going to work out. Because his resume isn’t traditionally “prestigious”–and despite that he is super smart, hard-working, and easy to get along with–he does not have a lot options. To make it to interview for this job was a miracle that involved tons of friends sharing their contacts; I really thought if he could get through the door they would see what a great candidate he is, but I suspect prestige won over directly relevant experience. He was in tears when he called me. We are going to discuss possible ways to move forward at some point, but for now he just wants and I just want to provide support and comfort.

   Does anyone have any comforting words for this situation (and not “maybe next time”–this was really a one-shot pulling in all the favors we had) or ideas for nice things I can do for him this weekend aside from the obvious? I am a bit in tears too. This is so hard on him.

   1. Phrases I like in these situations include:
      -I am so sorry.
      -You are such an amazing person, and you deserved this. This sucks.
      -I love you and am here for you.

      Phrases I hate:
      -Maybe next time (like you mentioned)
      -It will all work out.
      -There’s a reason for everything (shouldn’t even have to mention this one)…

      Nice things:
      -All the chores/cooking
      -Really depends on what he likes to do but my husband would appreciate me just pouring a beer or scotch

      1. Snuggles.

      2. I hate “there’s a reason for everything”, too, but someone once said to me, “what is for you will not pass you by” and I found that comforting. But one person’s comforting is another’s nails on a chalkboard.

         1. I like the “What’s meant for you won’t pass you by” line too. I know it may not work for everyone, but it’s comforting for me as well.

         2. Yea, this is almost “what’s meant to be, will be” but better, somehow.

         3. That’s an interesting phrase. I’m not sure it will work for this situation (because he truly believes it was for him), but I do like it for the future. The whole thing is even more fraught because we are at the tail end of two spectacularly unsuccessful rounds of IVF, and are currently waiting to find out whether our one $20,000 embryo is chromosomally normal (unlikely, given my age–we got one embryo on the first round as well: abnormal). So we’re facing the loss of his dream job opportunity *and* the loss of the dream of being parents. Yeah. I’d hate to think that both of those things were meant to pass us by.

            1. I’m so sorry for all of your stresses, that’s a lot to handle at once. I think the things you’d want to hear from loved ones about your IVF struggles will likely be good things to say to your husband about his not getting this job. There aren’t any magic words, but there certainly ones that sting.

            2. All the sympathy. IVF is the suckiest suck.

         4. I really love that, blue. And in my experience, it’s true! I was rejected from what I thought was my dream job at the beginning of the year. I would’ve probably wanted to kill someone if they said “it wasn’t meant to be.” BUT in May I was offered a job that is even closer to my dream than the first. This WILL work out for your husband. It will. But for now absolutely allow him to feel how he feels and to be there.

         5. This would make me ragey, and a lot of people have said things similar to me during my now three year search for a job that doesn’t involve an unlivable commute. I just don’t believe it. Bad things happen to good people. And a lot of people would take something not meant for them because it would improve their current situation.

            1. Where are you searching? Three years is a long time. I might be revising my approach if possible.

            2. I’m searching in a small town that still works mainly on the old boys’ network, and I not only went to the wrong school (for this town) but in the wrong part of the country. It can happen when you have to move for family reasons.

            3. That sounds tough Anon. I wish you the best!

      3. Thank you, NYtoCO. Those are good phrases and I will use them. My immediate reaction is always to bake for someone going through a hard time, but he doesn’t like sweets! I will offer to pick him up dinner from one of his favorite places, though.

   2. Ugh, I’m sorry. This is so hard. My husband was recently laid off and we’re currently mid-job search, so I can relate to some of what you’re going through. It’s so hard to see them disappointed, and I hurt for him when he’s hurting.

      I try to empathize with him, rather than try to fix things, so I say a lot of “I’m so sorry/This sucks/You’re right, it’s totally unfair/disappointing”. I also try to remind him how awesome/smart/capable I think he is, because I truly believe that he is incredibly smart, articulate, and capable and I think it’s really important that he knows that and believes that I’m firmly on his side and in his corner. I also just try to physically be with him, so we’ve spent a lot of time drinking wine on our patio, both talking and not talking, or going for aimless walks in our neighborhood to work off some nervous energy. I also just try to do nice things for him, like surprise him by making his favorite brownies or come home from work once a week to meet him for lunch.

      Take care of yourself, too. Being the supportive spouse is a hard position to be in.

      1. Thank you. I will definitely work on empathizing, and I like the idea of building him up too (without being too obvious, I hope). I truly believe all those things about him too! He is definitely a “physical presence” person (we really need to read the love languages book), so I will do a lot of just sitting on the couch with him.

         1. Not totally the same, but my brother went though a terrible depression when we were growing up and he said one of the most helpful things was the fact that I would just sit with him in silence for long stretches while he was watching tv. Physical presence can be a huge comfort.

            Baking is my other go to, but I like the idea of you picking up food from one of his favorite places.

      2. It’s important to be aware of what helps him cope. If I were the disappointed one, I’d want time to myself and no talking about it unless I opened the topic. If it were my DH, he’d want quiet time with me around, special treats like his favorite dinner or whiskey, and distractions like going to a movie or concert.

         1. We’re really different when we’re going through a bad time and it can be hard. When we found out our first embryo was abnormal I just needed to be alone and so I went to bed as soon as I got home from work and stayed there until the next morning. It really freaked him out because he felt like he was failing me in support. But really that’s what I wanted/needed. So my instinct is to give him lots of space and stay away from home so we can wallow wherever he wants. But I think that’s not what he needs, so I will just hang out with him, making supportive noises occasionally.

      3. My husband also recently got laid off. This is the second time this has happened to him and it’s awful. He is fairly senior, so it’s not like he can find something in a month. We are preparing for at least 6 months of unemployment for him. Sigh.

   3. Ooops! I responded below!

   4. I feel for you. 10 years ago my husband was rejected for his dream job in a similar situation — rare confluence of events got him an interview and will likely never happen again. I have to be honest, it still is hard for him to talk about. It was the job that got away.

      For now, lots of snuggles. And maybe go to see a movie, or something else that will give his brain a rest from thinking about it.

      1. Oh man. It sounds exactly the same–right down to I expect this will hurt him for years to come (he moved to DC 13 years ago in the hopes of getting this job–this is not a new dream). I hope your husband found a good work situation, even if it’s not the dream.

   5. This has happened to my spouse more than once. I’d say something like, obviously the employer was not that great if they couldn’t see how stellar you are, plus what kind of jerks send an auto-rejection after two interviews?? Rather than “aww, poor you,” I frame it as “you’re so awesome and they were idiots for passing you up.” At least for my husband, it helps to get some emotional distance from the rejection and not to view it as a personal failure.

      1. Maybe it will also be helpful to emphasize that so many successful professionals have been through this. It happens and isn’t indicative of how great he is. It’s just a really tough market and employers are having to split hairs between candidates that are all great. And also acknowledge the courage it takes to throw yourself whole-heartedly into a selection process for a dream job knowing that there are no guarantees and that you are proud of him for doing that.

         1. The last point is a really good one. I like that–it was definitely courageous to jump into the interview process with both feet and get wholly invested knowing how devastating it would be not to get it. I will use that, thank you. And definitely the part about it being a tough market and really, really not about him.

            1. When I was rejected from a dream job it really helped to know my partner was proud of me anyways.

   6. Remind him that you love him no matter what, even if he never gets a “good” job, and that you guys can have a happy life if parenthood doesn’t work out for you (even while acknowledging that it sucks). I personally hate anything that suggests there is such a thing as fate (eg anything that references “meant to be”) but you know him better than I do (obviously). When I was long-time unemployed I HATED hearing “it will all work out” or “you’ll get something” because what was killing me was how my entire sense of self worth was based on my job/lack thereof…So remind him he is “worthY’ no matter what happens with the job search.

   7. http://www.askamanager.org/2013/01/stop-thinking-youre-applying-for-your-dream-job.html

9. Any solo consultants out there? If so, what do you like/not like about it, and how long did it take you to feel like you had a steady stream of business?

   1. I’ve been a solo consultant for the last 8 years in a very niche area of transportation (after decades at government and non-profit entities establishing my bona fides and reputation). Although I often team with larger companies on projects, at least 50% of my work is truly solo. Pros: I am my own boss and have great flexibility which has been a godsend during family or other crises. Overall, I’ve been able to make a decent living doing this work. Cons: always having to be on the look out for the next piece of work. I’ve rarely had the luxury of only g 1 or 2 clients at a time but rather need several smaller projects to keep me busy. Juggling and prioritizing can be an issue. You have to do everything yourself – from buying copier toner to tracking your expenses to sending invoices (and nagging for payment) and providing your own insurance (health, professional liability, E & O, etc.). And since I office from home, the isolation can be real. As for a steady stream of business, there rarely is such a thing. I’ve had my worst year on the heels of my best year and only made a third of the previous year. Thankfully I have a spouse who makes a decent income and we can, if necessary, survive on his pay alone.

      So much of this depends on your field and the need for your services. But unless you have a strong background and great connections within your field – and even if you do – it isn’t easy and it’s not as great as some would have you believe. Frankly, I’m growing weary of not “belonging” to something larger than myself.

   2. I was for 6 years. Echoing brokentoe, I loved the flexibility. I didn’t mind doing everything by myself because there are a lot of services for solo entrepreneurs that made things easier. Online accounting, online invoicing, Amazon. It took about a year until I had a steady stream of business. But I have an unusual skill set, and my field is growing.

      After about five years, I got tired of the isolation and not belonging to something larger than myself. So I got a job at the kind of company I used to consult for.

      1. One more thing. What I liked about solo consulting compared to working in an organization was that the deliverables and and points were so clear. I knew from the start but I was expected to produce, and when I had done that, invoiced, and got paid I knew the project was done and I could switch gears mentally to whatever I wanted to do next. In a large org, the job never feels done. I miss that sense of finality

10. BF Question- if you are going to spend the weekend with your SO’s family, and his aunt says “hope to see you at Church on Sunday!’ – would you go? I was sort of raised Catholic, we were not serious and now we are pretty much non-religious. I haven’t gone to church in years except for weddings. I do not like his how aunt is trying to push this (she is pushy in general..as far as I have heard). But maybe it is not a hill to die on, especially since we are serious (2+ years together) and likely heading towards marriage.

    FWIW, my BF will support whatever I decide to do.

    1. If your boyfriend is going and you really don’t care that much, I would go. If he’s not going, obviously don’t go.

       1. +1

          I am atheist, but I would absolutely go if boyfriend is going and other family is there. It’s not like they are asking to convert you and demanding church for the remainder of days. This is just part of being polite and accepting and kind when you are spending one weekend with family.

          I can’t imagine why you would decline? Your boyfriend is similar to you, yes?

          1. Yah, it’s different than going to Olive Garden when you don’t like the Olive Garden. I feel like it is almost disingenuous for me to go when I normally don’t go and don’t really believe in it anymore. I don’t want to set a precedent like someone else said below, but I also wonder if I should just suck it up and go.

             My BF and I are on the same page re religion, but extended family is a whole different thing- something to discuss with him relating to expectations.

             1. If you get married, would you have a church wedding? If that is not in the cards for you guys, it seems pointless to go. She’s going to find out eventually.

    2. Is the rest of the family going? (i.e. his parents, siblings?) Are you staying at someone’s house and are they going? Are you comfortable attending church?

       When we stay with SO’s family, they go to church and we almost always go along, too, though if we said we wanted to meet them after for brunch, they would be 100% ok with that, but that’s them. (When they visit us, they go to a local church on their own and we meet them after.) They like to go every Sunday but SO doesn’t. I do not take communion when we go and if the church were not generally friendly, we just wouldn’t go. (I say we because if I said no, SO would stay with me.) I am of a different faith but not very religious, though I like to attend for holidays. SO and his family have joined us for those occasions with my family as well. (I really hit the in-law jackpot.) That being said, if you think you are heading towards marriage, you two should discuss religion, how you want it to look in your lives, your kids’ lives (if you want them), how you want to approach family situations with those more religious, etc.

    3. Go to church if you want to go to church. Don’t go because his pushy aunt wants you to go. You don’t want this to turn into something you’re expected to do regularly if it’s not truly what you want.

       1. Eh. I do a lot of crap I don’t want to do when visiting Mr. Kitten’s family. (Like go to the Olive Garden. Ugh). Also – I’ve gone, with them, to funerals of people I’ve never met. That’s also something I wouldn’t want to do, but do it for Mr. K.

          I think the BF should take the lead on this one, since it’s his family, and she should do what he wants to do, if it’s not important to her either way. I think going to random churches with random people can be truly interesting as cultural tourism, if you don’t want to go as a religious act. But I also think sleeping in is pretty great, if the BF decides he doesn’t want to go.

          1. I totally agree that you sometimes just have to go along with family, but I think going to the Olive Garden is quite different from going to church. I do agree that following boyfriend’s lead would be a good idea, as long as the church doesn’t practice something you’re vehemently opposed to.

             1. Totes.

             2. I agree. Maybe my perspective is different because I’m not Christian, but I think going to a religious service when you’re not practicing that religion is night and day from going to a restaurant you don’t like or the funeral of someone you haven’t met.

          2. Also plenty of people like the Olive Garden. No need to be so judgey – especially about your SO’s family.

             1. Yeah, it’s not actually the Olive Garden. It’s a local joint and I didn’t want to be specific.

                But also, plenty of people like church! That’s why I picked it as a parallel to be similar but not religious.

          3. But the Olive Garden is delicious. I’m on their side on this one. You don’t go to the Olive Garden for love you go for the yummy bread sticks!!!

             1. hahaha yes this! Don’t hate on the Olive Garden!

          4. I think it’s great that Wild Kitten does thing’s for her significeant other like this. I hope some day to have a significant other, and I will try to be more like Wild Kitten. The onley thing is that if my significant other does NOT want to do anything for me, and fulfil my needs, like Sheketovits, then I say maybe that I would NOT want to do things for him, either. How does the HIVE deal with a significant other that reject’s conventional thing’s to do (like go with your family to someplace–other then the Olive Garden –FOOEY!). Is there some BOUNDARIES that the HIVE set’s in this arena? I know in other arena’s I also have set boundearlies for the future, tho I do NOT have a boyfreind to tell what I will and will no longer do. That is why I need a boyfreind NOW! YAY!!!!

             1. Thanks E. You should just take yourself to Olive Garden and bill your firm for it.

    4. Start as you mean to go on. When I was dating my husband, I agreed to many a Mass in an attempt to placate his Catholic family (and get them to like me). But honestly, pushy religious people will try for a mile as soon as you give an inch. I am an atheist and my husband is meh/whatever but hates to confront his family. When he had a baby and refused to baptize him, my in-laws were apoplectic…and it would have been so much better if I had just politely refused all religious overtures from day 1. YMMV, of course.

       1. +1 to start as you mean to go on!

       2. This is such good advice. When my parents were dating, my mom convinced my dad to go to church with her. He’s an atheist. After they got married, he eventually quit going and I know it caused hurt feelings for both of them.

          Personally, I wouldn’t go because I’m an atheist and won’t go for anything other than weddings and funerals. That’s who I am and I think I can be a great partner to someone without needing to include that, especially if that partner truly doesn’t care either way. If your boyfriend were encouraging you to go, I think there would be some relationship stuff to work out there because religion can be one of those things that either doesn’t matter to the relationship or matters a lot. Since it is just the aunt pressuring you, I wouldn’t go. I’d continue to be an awesome person to her in all other ways but wouldn’t compromise on this personally.

11. NAS report:

    The good:

    Classiques Entier double cloth pencil skirt – This is a high-waisted, longish pencil skirt with a front slit (not too long!) and topstitching. Love it, TTS. It’s just below knee-length on 5’4″ me.

    Ellen Tracy print jersey sheath dress in red (not the crazy green!) – Love the short sleeves, full lining, and soft jersey. I’m a broad-shouldered hourglassy pear, and find the shape super-flattering. Wore it yesterday when I had to walk back and forth to meetings in the heat and stayed relatively comfortable.

    The bad:

    Classiques Entier superfine wool charcoal jacket and skirt – The jacket, which I got in a petite, is perfect. But the skirt – a faux-wrap front pencil skirt – is awful, and a different size wouldn’t fix it. The skirt is long and tight in the hips on me, but it doesn’t come in petites and wouldn’t tailor well because of the wrap detail. If I didn’t look terrible in pantsuits, I’d try the trousers to keep the jacket. Returning.

    The maybe:

    I got the bright blue Boss suit, and I’m on the fence. I’m taking it to a tailor to asses what can be done. I wish the jacket came in petite sizes, because the armholes are huge on me, which makes the whole thing wonky. I ordered a size up in the skirt from my usual size based on the hip measurement on the size chart, and I’m swimming in it. I could order the next size down, but don’t want to if the jacket won’t work. I’m bummed, because I was looking forward to having a new suit!

12. Reposting for more response – Just found out I am going on a work trip to Shanghai and thinking about taking a few personal days too. I am not familiar with the area, so seeking any tips on must-see sights and other general tips? I am also thinking about visiting Beijing on the same trip. Is it better to fly or take the train? If train, are there any stops worth seeing in between?

    1. We flew from Beijing to Shanghai. Check the luggage restrictions on the train–they were pretty small, which is what ultimately made us decide to fly. Beijing has more interesting historical sites, but as a city, I liked Shanghai far more. We had a great guide in Shanghai. I will see if I can dig up his contact info tonight and will post back if I find it if you’re interested in having a guide. Depending on your comfort level with public transit, I think you’d be ok without a guide in Shanghai; the Shanghai subway was easy to navigate. We were only there for two days, but wander around the Bund, check out some of the traditional gardens and temples. The Shanghai Museum was relatively interesting. My favorite part was taking a train to Suzhou for the day, which has some pretty canals and gardens, but the most interesting part was the Silk Embroidery Institute, which I realize as I type this probably sounds lame, but it was amazing seeing what they can make. It’s art. Even my fiance, who couldn’t care less about embroidery, was impressed.

    2. google would def help you

    3. Do a day trip to one of the nearby water villages. I’ve been to Xitang and loved it. Wuzhen is another but I haven’t been there personally.

    4. I would definitely try to add on Beijing if you can. When’s the next time you’ll be that close to Beijing?!

       I was kind of meh on Shanghai (admittedly, there were personal reasons, but also because just… eh, it’s an amazing busy city, but I had just spent *forever* in Hong Kong and I was itching to be somewhere more different). The classic sights in Beijing are pretty awesome: the hutongs, Forbidden City, a day trip to the Great Wall, Peking duck!, Temple of Heaven, Tiananmen Square … there’s a lot that’s worth seeing.

       Suzhou is definitely charming, and a change of pace from the big cities. I went by hired car from Shanghai to Suzhou, then took the train from Suzhou to Beijing. It was a tourist sleeper car, and much nicer than the trains in Vietnam (which is my only comparison). There was a little plastic vase with a fake flower! Anyway, that could be a fun route: Shanghai –> Suzhou –> Beijing. I suspect there’s even an overnight train so you don’t have to waste 1/2 a day traveling.

13. I’m sorry.

    Let him take the weekend – or longer – to wallow and just do anything that helps him feel comfortable. It’s ok to be upset and to wallow in this. When he’s ready, encourage him to keep trying. It took me about a year to find a job after graduating law school (hello recession)- it was bleak and I cried a lot and felt useless and hopeless. At one firm, I nailed a few interviews as well and got so many good signals and ended up still getting rejected. (I was on the road when my contact called me and I actually had to pull off to a nearby parking lot to cry.) It wasn’t me but politics at the HQ office. About four months later I got an offer from another firm – at last! – and that initial firm had a panic of “oh no, she was ours” and offered me a job, too. And then another job offer came.

    Fast forward to now. I am newly inhouse after leaving my old firm and was looking for months. It was so discouraging. Then I got five offers within a week of each other. (Not even telling them about the other offers to push them, either.)

    All this is to say, it’s ok to feel sad and discouraged, but you won’t get interviews and offers if you don’t keep applying, so when he’s ready encourage him to keep at it. Encourage him to talk to friends or network contacts that he is looking. Just like dating, you never know where/when your next gig will come from.

    I will say, too, what I loved about my SO is that he understood that the emotions of job hunting ebb and flow. I could feel really enthused one day and get 5 applications done or nail an interview and then the very next day feel hopeless again. He never instilled a deadline of “now you can’t be sad.” He got excited over good news and comforted me during bad news. Most importantly, he was patient during the “I’m in limbo, it’s been weeks and I don’t know what’s happening ahhhh!” period.

    1. Thank you. I’m definitely going to let him wallow. I am a “silver lining” kind of person to the point that I annoy even myself–my immediate response to something bad is to try to find *something* good in it, even when there truly isn’t. I am definitely working to tamp that down (and don’t know what the silver lining would be anyway). And I will let it ebb and flow as well, being positive when he is and supportive when he’s not.

       I’m so glad to hear yours worked out!

       1. I am a silver lining person, too. With things like this, you may not see the silver lining until much later (i.e. if you had gotten that dream job, you wouldn’t have gotten this NEW BETTER dream job). My positive spin with something like this is: it really sucks and you got knocked down a few pegs, but it’s not the worst thing in the world. It’s a sucky time, and you will let him wallow through the ebbs and flows, but it will be temporary.

          On second thought, I don’t think telling someone it’s not the worst thing helps, it helps when the person going through it can tell him/herself that. But you telling him it is temporary will help. I also think gratuitous compliments helped when my SO said “you are so smart” and “I admire how hard you work to find something better” because it feels personal like YOU ARE STUPID AND NOBODY WANTS TO WORK WITH YOU. It’s nice to be reminded that you can crush it.

       2. Yup. Wallow. Wine. Maybe a gatorade for tomorrow when he wakes up from all the wine. Go see a movie if he can – in a theatre is a great distraction from reality.

14. I have been super SUPER tired lately. Like exhausted beyond belief. My Dr. had me get blood work done and nothing showed there. So we’re thinking it could be stress/anxiety related and therefore increasing one of my medications (Effexor XR) and decreasing another (Trazadone for sleep).

    I forgot to ask how long it would take to potentially feel the effects. I’ve been at the same dosage for quite a few years now. I’m going from 150 mg to 225 mg for the Effexor XR. The Trazadone we’re cutting to 12.5 mg.

    Anyone have experience with either of these meds and how long until increases made noticeable difference?

    1. Trazadone is supposed to be completely out of your system within 12 hours, so I don’t think it’s one that would take time to feel the different. (I don’t know anything about Effexor).

       You also might consider vitamin D or iron supplements. Other people on here know more about those, I think.

       1. I often look at the Mayo Clinic URL to get information about meds. I assume they are more accurate than like, Yahoo Answers, or even here.

    2. Have you looked at the numbers yourself? Some doctors will not tell you when, for example, you’re low on iron but are barely over the edge from a clinical deficiency. That can absolutely impact you.

    3. How long has it been since the Effexor change? Changing my dosages often came with extra tiredness, but normally it was when decreasing. If it has only been a week or so, I might give it a little longer.

15. It was too late in the day to post when I saw it, but yesterday, several commenters were against passport covers because the cover must be removed when actually passing through immigration. It is true that you have to take your passport out at the counter, and I agree that removing it can be annoying. But, remember, there are many places in the world where you don’t want your blue eagle passport to be visible any longer than necessary, so a cover can still definitely be worth it!

    1. As a person who lives abroad, your blue eagle passport is the last thing giving you away as an American. There are about 999 other characteristics that are screaming “American,” some of which you may not even be conscious of, especially when you’re at an airport, train station or tourist attraction.

       1. Haha yeah this.

          1. Yup. I’m Canadian and I can typically tell if you’re American in touristy areas of my city without even seeing a piece of ID like a passport.

             1. +1 I notice all the Americans in my major tourist attraction city

       2. So true. :) Just returned after a 3 week trip to Europe.

       3. Please tell us what those are! I’m curious. My husband and I get stopped all the time for directions in cities we don’t live in, domestically and abroad. I have a sick secret pride that we “blend” so well, so I want to know whether what you see as “American” and what I see are similar.

          1. Volume of speech and informality of dress or style of dress (women almost never wear pink in my European city) are the three biggest signs I notice.

             Generally people that are more ‘neutral looking’ – not tall/blonde tend to be more easily confused for locals as well (unless you’re in Holland/Denmark/Sweden). For example, I’m often stopped and asked for directions when traveling. I’ve also been asked if I’m Brazilian, Greek, or Lebanese during various travels so when people can’t ‘place’ you, they tend to assume that you belong.

             1. I’m the Canadian that posted above and here’s what generally tips me off:
                -volume of speech as the poster above has said or use of certain words like y’all
                -clothing – often the person/people might also be wearing something like a university sweater that gives them away
                -behaviour – Canada has very well defined social norms – overuse of please and sorry, extreme public politeness in terms of lining up for things like the train etc. – Americans often don’t fit into this

             2. The social cues are the biggest thing. Whenever I’m downtown and someone cuts me in line for coffee I know they’re american. Then they order and they are just so loud.

    2. I use my Trump-level Kate Spade sparkling gold cover so that I don’t lose my passport when I’m storing it between uses.

    3. I am proud to carry my US passport. All 130,000 international miles I fly a year. I wouldn’t even consider hiding it.

       1. Holy pajamas that is a lot of flying!!

       2. Agreed. Also, as a WOC I’ve found that sometimes people are nicer to me when they see the bald eagle — though YMMV depending on what countries you’re going to, as OP pointed out.

    4. also though, it just keeps your passport nicely tucked away in your bag while you travel? i had one and my husband didn’t and the year we spent traveling saw his passport looking a lot worse for wear.

16. I feel really depressed. No interest in anything, not looking forward to anything. Just want to curl up somewhere dark and cry. Going through some stressful times right now – have a small child, renovating, work is really busy. I know I’m supposed to be “taking care of myself” but I don’t know how to do that when there isn’t really anything that I want to do. Nor do I have any energy to do it. Spouse is busy picking up the slack at home and isn’t really a “feelings” guy at the best of times. I only have two close friends and both are on vacation for the next two weeks. No family. I’m trying to wait it out – until child sleeps better, renovation is done, work is less crazy – but can’t seem to manage. I can’t even figure out a question to ask here.

    1. So sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve totally been there. Hate to say it, and it took me a long time to get there, but I finally sent my primary care doctor a note saying I took an online assessment and it said I was depressed, and she called in a low dose anti-depressant after a 10 minute phone call. After 3 days I felt like I had my life back and it was a little easier to deal with everything. I’ve still got stuff to work through, but I can get through the day without crying. One of my best friends gave me the push to call, and I’m so grateful she did. So I’m giving you this loving push too.

       As for self-care I’ve found time in nature is helpful (even just an hour in the park with a cup of coffee staring into space and breathing) or a massage or a book in the bath. Sometimes I make my SO make me go for a walk – because I don’t want to go, but after I do, I feel better.

       Hope you feel better soon!

    2. 1. Appointment with PCP to discuss medication

       2. Get Outside – take a walk around the block by yourself or put small child in stroller. Walk outside at lunchtime for 5 mins everyday.

       3. Personal Care – keep up your routines even if it is really hard. Let Spouse watch small child while you shower or put small child in exersaucer/bouncer. Keeping up your personal care routines will help you feel like yourself.

       4. Diet – try to eat at least three times a day. Take a Vitamin D and Omega 3 supplement. Both have proven mild anti-depressant effects.

       5. Connect with friends online. They don’t have to be close friends that you talk about your feelings with. Social interaction is a proven anti-depressant. Send one short message a day. Script “Hi! It’s been too long, hope all is well with you. Small child is XX age now – growing like a weed. “/ “Hi! Haven’t chatted in ages. How’s work going? I’m at FIRM. Super busy right now, hope things calm down in the fall.” If you don’t want to talk about being depressed, don’t. Talk about your kid, work or renovates but have social interactions.

    3. I understand not having anything you want to do to “take care of yourself.” I felt that way recently, and I think it was because I was feeling guilty about whatever I chose (spending money, or leaving work, or leaving DH to pick up the slack). Also, I think I needed sleep more than a massage, manicure, walk in the park, “me time,” etc. So, I guess my advice is (a) try to let go of guilt or any negative feelings that are holding you back from taking care of yourself, and (b) just sleep, if that’s what you need. Choose 3 nights in a row where you can go to bed early and sleep in until the very last moment, and just do it.

    4. Oof, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.

       I am in the process of pulling myself out of a depressive funk that has lasted oh about a year now, since my kid was about six months old. I wish I had sought out help sooner for a lot of reasons. I kept thinking it was adjusting to this, or that, or the other thing, that once she started sleeping better, or once she weaned, or once I got better at my new job, or something, once *something* happened I would feel better. But what really needed to happen was me going to a doctor and a therapist.

       Yesterday I met with a personal trainer at the gym, and he asked me, “why did you fall off your routine?” and I told him “well, I got sad. and when I was sad, I didn’t want to do anything so i didn’t go to the gym, and that made me sadder, and… it’s a cycle.” It was perhaps a bit heavy for the poor personal trainer, but it was true. For the record, I *hate* exercising, and I *hate* being sweaty, but working up a good sweat 3-4x/week really helps my mood.

       The other thing that helps my mood is pills. And theoretically therapy will eventually help my mood, but right now it just seems hard.

       When you’re making time for yourself, and, necessarily, pushing work off on your husband, tell him why, tell him that helping you take this time (to walk, to sleep, to cry, to find a therapist, whatever) is helping you feel better. I find that really spelling it out — not “i need this time because i am sad” but rather “i need this time to help me feel less sad” — gets my husband totally on board.

    5. Thanks all. Great advice.

    6. I’m sorry, this sucks. I have been there a few times. All the above advice is great. Also please believe that you will not feel this way forever, I promise. It will be better again.

17. Any that’s been to Lake Como- how would you suggest approaching a visit? Any particular town recommendations to stay in? We would probably be looking at AirBNB. Any experience going in October? Would you rent a car?

    1. I have no advice, but ugh I’m so jealous! :) Say hi to George and Amal for me!

       1. I have no idea if we’ll actually go (I really hope we do)! There are $400 flights to Milan from NYC right now and I just realized how close Lake Como is to Milan…

          1. WOW!! $400 is a steal.

             1. I know!! Round trip!

             2. $400 round trip?! You basically have to go.

          2. What company are these mythical tickets from???? That’s an amazing price!

             1. I’m sorry, I’m just seeing this. They’re $500 now, but on Momondo. NYC to Milan.

    2. Do it! I love Lake Como! We stayed in Varenna, which was a beautiful, sleepy little town; I’ve heard that you should do Bellagio if you want a more upscale, cosmopolitan vibe. If you’re going in October, you should have nice weather (might be a little rainy?) but I would be prepared for a very mellow, relaxing experience of strolling from a coffee in a cafe to a long lunch to bubbly on the esplanade, popping into a cute little shop, and then wrapping up a day of leisure with delicious food and then cocktails overlooking the lake. We also did some light hiking; you could probably also charter a boat tour. Milan is also worth staying in for 1-2 nights, if you’ll be flying through there anyway.

       Pro tip: look for silk. A lot of Italy’s silk manufacturing is apparently in the area. I got some beautiful scarves for crazy-cheap prices while I was there.

       1. Ummmm the way you describe the vibe in October couldn’t sound more like my perfect vacation. Now I’m even more excited!

          To be fair, this is a somewhat hair-brained scheme I’ve only come up with today since seeing the flight prices, and husband doesn’t even know yet. Pretty sure I can convince him to do this rather than the Mexico trip we were planning, though :)

          1. I’d totally jump on this if I had any available vacation time! I hope you go so we can live vicariously through you when you get back and tell us how awesome it was.

             1. I sooo will!

          2. Yeah I would hop on this in a second. Do it. No reason not to if you’ve got the vacation time and wanted to go someplace anywhere. Lake Como’s an easy train ride from Milan, or if you want more flexibility you can rent a car. It’s also easy to get down into Tuscany if that’s more your speed.

    3. It’s been a long time since I’ve been to Lake Como, so take this with a grain of salt, but I found the area a bit… boring. I would fly into Milan and explore towns (and wine) in Lumbardy and Piedmont while making my way to the Cinque Terre. But that’s just me!

       1. Thanks for your perspective. I am looking for more of a relaxing, chill vacation and was hoping not to move around too much (we were planning to go to Mexico for a beach vacation, but I honestly don’t even like the beach that much), but I will definitely keep this in mind!

    4. Ugh, it’s so gorgeous. I believe we took a short train from Milan there, but I can’t remember. If you rent a car, the scenery will definitely be beautiful, so no wrong answer. Definitely visit Bellagio, Tremezzina, and definitely visit Villa d’Este in Cernobbio — if you aren’t staying there. More to do in Bellagio than Cernobbio, but the Villa d’Este is famous, historical, and has incredible grounds. Boat taxis are easy to get from city to city. And eat all the gelato!

       Also, spend a night or two in Milan, it’s beautiful!

       We stayed right around now, so I don’t know how October is.

    5. Went for a wedding a few years ago and it is beyond gorgeous. Can’t remember the name of the town but it was near the Villa d’Este hotel. Definitely take a boat around the lake!

    6. We stayed in Bellagio. Como is just an hour away from Milan by train.

18. Has anyone used Trunk Club (the clothing/stylist service)? I found stitch fix a bit of a bust, so I liked the idea of a higher end service with a similar idea.

    I signed up online, and immediately started getting daily voicemails from my “stylist” – apparently their model uses a required phone screening/conversation to assess your style? I was kind of put off by the pushiness, and never responded (guess I’m a stylist ghoster?), and now my “stylist” has added me as a connection on linkedin…

    So, I guess I’m wondering if I should reward the tenacity she’s had in chasing me as a client if the service has been worthwhile to some ‘rettes.

    1. I haven’t but my coworker uses Trunk Club. She’s gotten some really gorgeous stuff and loves it–she was wearing a beautiful dress, cardi, and earrings from there today and looked #flawless. Their accessory game seems to be particularly strong. I’d do it if I was in the market for something like that.

    2. I’ve used it and dumped it. Stylist didn’t listen to me, sent things that were way too expensive and not my style. And is very pushy. Last trunk was a couple of months ago, and she just recently sent an email previewing a new trunk that I hadn’t asked for. It was more of the same. I rejected it and simply said I’m no longer interested in receiving trunks, and she emailed again asking why. Definitely not for me. That being said, I have a “type” (J Crew) and I’m not sure Trunk Club really caters to that. Also, you couldn’t beat the convenience — the way it shows up in the nice trunk, and how you schedule UPS pickup – so, so easy. I did get some accessories from it (to emeralds’ point above) that I like, but the clothes were pretty off.

       1. Could you describe what you found the general type/style of Trunk Club to be?

          1. I can’t say generally, but my stylist sent me mainly very trendy pieces that were often very flowy, like loose silk tops, usually very low cut. A lot of Vince Camuto (sp?). It may be easiest to describe by saying it wasn’t the tailored, classic look that I go for, definitely more trendy. But my issue also may have been just that my stylist wasn’t a good match. Like I said, the convenience was amazing. I wish it had worked!

             1. Thanks! Those styles don’t tend to work for me either but you’re right, it may very well depend on your stylist. Have a great weekend!

    3. If you decide not to go with Trunk Club, I had an awesome experience with Nordstrom’s personal shopping service (as others have said). It does probably take more up-front time (my appointment was probably 3 hours) but you’re able to try everything on, and I think my stylist was better able to understand my style by speaking to me in person. Plus, if she brought something I wasn’t a huge fan of, we could talk about why I didn’t like it and what I might prefer, so she could find a better option. She wasn’t pushy (although they definitely do get commission). I loved the service so, so much– I think it also depends on getting a great stylist too, though.

    4. Here is the thing I have discovered with stitch fix and mm la fleur – it did not fit in my general purchasing philosophy of buying high end things on sale. So when I inputted my price ranges in stitch fix, I ended up getting stuff of a lower quality than I would generally buy, and I struggled with paying full price for it. I would imagine the same would be true with trunk club.

       So, while I liked the things that came in my boxes, I did not continue the services because I couldn’t get down with paying full price for stuff. If you are similar in that you like to buy stuff on sale, you’ll probably feel the same way.

19. Hi Hive,

    I may be posting late but was hoping for some advice as I gear up to go back to work after a long period of unemployment. Is there anything I can do next week while I’m still off to make the transition easier on myself? For those of you that have been off and then started a new job, what was the hardest part to adjust to again? I’m probably overthinking but any advice would be appreciated nonetheless.

    1. First, congrats! Now: as tempting as it can be to enjoy every last minute of freedom, get back on a schedule, now. Wake up when you’ll need to get up for work, get dressed, and do things. If you work out in the mornings and will need to do that earlier now or move your workouts to the evening, change all that now. Aim for the least amount of physical shock to your system during your first week of work. If I could go back and do it again, I’d deep clean my house and organize as much of my life as possible in that week before going back. I was struggling to keep up until I learned new rhythms. Do enjoy yourself a bit, though – take some leisurely lunches and midday strolls. Have fun!

       1. Agree with all the cleaning advice. Dry clean everything that needs to be dry cleaned!

    2. If you can fit it in, a new, easy to style haircut and some new makeup that gives you a bit of polish can go a long way toward adding to your confidence. On the same lines, comfortable shoes and some well fitting work outfits would be helpful too.

20. Some things I can think of that are more logistical than actual work-related:

    -If you’re planning to bring your lunch, it might help to come up with a plan, go grocery shopping, get a lunch bag if you don’t have one, etc. Don’t forget snacks. If you’re going to be cooking dinner as well, it would also make life easier to start planning dinners in advance (rather than trying to figure out what to cook when you get home).

    -Make sure your wardrobe is in the shape you want– think of the types of things you’d like to wear and make sure you have the things you need and that they’re in good condition. If they’re not already, put all of your work clothing in a specific part of your closet and organize it to make it easier to get dressed in the morning.

    -If you exercise regularly, figure out how you’re going to fit that into your work day.

21. Has anyone tried Third Love, the bra company? Love? Meh? Thoughts?

    1. I have bought two bras from them – a regular and one of those cute (on the model) strappy ones. LOVE the regular one, returned the strappy one bc I didn’t think the straps were tight enough elastic if that makes sense. But highly recommend they 24/7 t shirt bra or whatever it’s called. I’m a 32e fwiw

22. I hit the mid 30’s and it suddenly has hit me that I am no longer in my 20’s. :( I see dark spots on my face, wrinkles, a few extra pounds, and a few gray hairs. Sigh. Any tips on face products, tips on getting those extra minutes in for exercise and movement during the day when you have a mainly sit down job, and a root touch up instead of a big bottle of hair dye? Thanks!

    1. For skin: add a retinol and Vitamin C product to your regime. And make sure you have the hydration you need–add a hydrating serum, really. And drink more water. Many wrinkles are really dehydration lines.

       For hair, I just got it touched up at the hairdressers, about twice a year. Of course I am older now, so that doesn’t work anymore. But in my 30s it was all I needed.

       No idea how to increase movement other than walking at lunch, walking instead of the elevator, etc.

       1. Also, start exfoliating.

    2. If you aren’t, wear sunscreen on your face and neck every day. I use a powder version so I can reapply if I’m going to walk at lunch without messing up my makeup (I love this one: http://amzn.to/2alCoSR)

       Make sure you are moisturizing and drinking plenty of water. A retinol-based product can work wonders on fine lines.

    3. Every hour or so, just get up from your desk and “go to the restroom.” I spend a couple of minutes stretching and doing simple twists inside the stall, then come back. If you need to get to the printer or kitchen, walk the long way, don’t try to be efficient with that.

       For face, adopt a regimen and stick to it. Can be simple, but should target your concerns such as using anti dark spot serum and sun screen. Might take a few trials and errors to know which products work for your skin.

    4. Liz, I apologize for my sketchy responses. I was so upset at the Trump issue (see above) that it seems I cannot think straight. Anyway, all I can do is advise on the skin issue.

       Once we hit 30 our bodies begin to change. Specifically, our cell regeneration slows down. Children and teens turnover their skin every 14 days, but that increases to 20-30 days as we age. The result is that our skin looks dull, as it is old skin. The remedy is two-fold:

       1. Exfoliate. A chemical exfoliation will encourage the skin to slough off. Look for AHAs (alpha hydroxy acids) as they will dissolve the glue that holds your skin together. Paula Choice’s makes several types, all reasonably priced. Some people like Pixi’s Glow Tonic. I use a cult product P50 but it is not for the faint of heart.

       2. Encourage new skin. For this, you need retinol (from Vitamin A). OTC products are fine, but at some point, it would be beneficial to get a medicinal dose from a doctor. I use Paula Choice’s serum but it is too strong for some people. Caveat: retinol is not a budget product. Unless you are able to get Retin-A from your doctor and it is covered by your insurance.

       Also, as we age and spend more time indoors (gotta go to work), we really do get dehydrated and our skin shows it. There are all sorts of hydrating products on the market. Clinique makes a moisture surge spray that is quite good, and you can put it in a small spray bottle and carry it with you, and mist your face whenever you fell the need. Hyaluronic acid is the ingredient you want to look for in whatever product you choose. For this step, I advise going to Sephora and letting them put together a huge sample bucket for you.

       If, after all this, your feel your skin should be brighter, you should investigate adding a Vitamin C serum to your regime. Drunk Elephant’s is fantastic, but it smells too badly for me to use. Algenist makes a superb one, but it is too expensive for me. Paula’s Choice makes a booster but it, too, smells awful to me. So I have no affordable suggestions here, I am afraid.

       1. Thank you to everybody for the suggestions! I love the weekend thread. :)

23. Hello – I’m spinning my brain tonight and want to reach out to the Corporette hive for input. OCI are coming up, and while I have interviews at my top form choices, (respected regional firms) have spent my summer at my dream employer, Law Review blah blah, it all feels off. Been 1L of a year and all, amazing transition from my old professional job that was sucking my soul, for background.

    whats life really like as a lawyer chick, and/or at a firm? How many more brass rings are there to jump for? If you were early 30s, would you want to be in the associate running or is this a younger woman’s game? I’ve reached the point where I need to go to bed by 10-11, get 7 hours of sleep to be a functional human being. I love 60 hour weeks and a certain amount of competition, but I have also spent the last ten years working my tail off, and I draw the line at 80 hrs now. is it still worth the try if you don’t care about making partner and having your name added to the letterhead?

    1. I had no desire to work at a law firm after graduation and did not click with any of the firms I interviewed with. That being said, don’t get rid of your options yet. You may click with an interviewing firm. Many people do and find work/life balance. Or you may only get job offers from firms. It’s much better to work at a firm than to be unemployed!

    2. There will always be that next brass ring/gold star to go for, and it is easy to get caught up in the cycle of always aiming for that next step, especially in law. If you don’t want to venture down that path, I applaud you for realizing that now. And, I completely understand. I’m in m mid-30s now and am just not up for chasing more gold stars. Your viewpoint and understanding of yourself may mean that some law firms are not for you because they need people and cultivate a culture of always competing and going for the next level. Not all firms are like that, however. I would urge you to go on the interviews. As someone who has worked before, I think you will be much better than your average, young law student at seeing behind the curtain and getting a feel for the culture of the firms. See what is out there and your options before saying no to all firms.

    3. You probably won’t do it as long as others but firm training is worth it so you have options for the rest of your career. I was like you, second career and a little older and it helped me to reframe my firm time as the legal equivalent to a medical residency. I learned my field there and then left. You don’t have to stick around to make partner. My husband did the same thing- firm time and then started his own firm.

       1. Thanks for the wise words, esp to think of it like a medical residency! :) my fellow law students have thought I’m out of my mind to be a bit reticent about a firm opportunity because of the “golden ticket” aspect. Going to give the interviews I’ve got my best effort then see what happens.

          1. Good luck- I’m sure you’ll do well having had prior professional experience. One further piece of advice I’d offer is to choose a practice area with multiple off -ramps (corporate/transactional gets you in-house or switching to the business side, same with employment law depending on where you are, etc.) Litigation is the hardest to leave firm life from so knowing that up front may help you plan better.

             1. This is excellent advice. I moved from litigation over to a regulatory practice specifically because I noticed that regulatory/corporate/transactional practices have many more in-house options. I ended up staying in a fairly demanding job, but like knowing that I have tons of options to downshift if desired.

    4. There’s no harm in interviewing with as many firms as possible to get a feeling for what each firm is like with respect to issues that matter to you. FWIW, one of my mentors is a woman who went to law school after her kids had gone off to college, and now she’s a partner at a V25 firm. I also think that firms respond well to someone who knows what they want and has as much non-legal work experience as you do.

    5. I work in a well respected BigLaw firm on the west coast, and most people I know are not working even close to 8- hour weeks unless we’re in trial. Lifestyle and balance has a lot to do witht he firm you pick and the region of the country you work in. I’m now a senior associate; I’ve been with one firm since graduation and I really, honestly, truly love my job. I’m mid-30s and I cannot really function on less than 7 hours of sleep either. I think if you’re interested in testing out firm life, you should shoot for a west coast firm and do a really good job of asking people about their experiences before committing to a firm.

       And, FWIW, law is my second career, too, and I am so much happier now.

24. Tldr: how do you tell your boss you need to cut back?

    I work in finance, in a dysfunctional and mismanaged group that is chronically understaffed, and business is booming. Meaning everyone in my group is really overextended. I am also quite pregnant, with a toddler at home, and a spouse in an equivalently demanding job. I am miserable and exhausted, and I need to cut back at work because this way of life is not sustainable for us. It’s one thing if it is a single bad deal with an end in sight and no real way to divvy up the work, but it is another thing if it is just deal after deal after deal because there aren’t enough warm bodies.

    However, I have tried in the past to speak with my managers and haven’t been able to bring myself to be explicit enough (they basically say yeah, sorry, we are all busy, just do what you can), and I also feel really guilty because this means my colleagues will have to pick up the slack. I don’t necessarily need to go part-time, but I can’t be working the hours I’m currently working (which I feel bad about because I know some of my coworkers put in 10-20 more hours per week than I do, and are less whiny about it).

    Anyway — I think maybe I am looking for a script as to how to tell my bosses that I can only do 100%, not 110%, or some sort of plan of action for taking back control of my time with or without their signoff. Or just an affirmation that I am not a slacker who is leaving before I leave. Thanks.

    1. Have you tried just doing less work? I’m really pregnant and am just doing less — things that should happen simply don’t happen but I’m triaging and doing my best to prioritize and then flatly telling people who follow up on things that I haven’t gotten to it yet (without an apology). It seems to be working.

       1. This or the official medical accommodation route. Once you hit burnout you are probably bordering on depression/anxiety etc. Your doc could probably write a note that you are dealing w/ a medical issue (even if that is pregnancy) and you are limited to working x hours/week. If X hours is 50 instead of 80 they are going to be hard pressed to argue that’s an unreasonable accommodation.

25. I posted a little bit ago for home workout ideas. Y’all had soem great suggestions, but I wanted to share another fun item I got.

    I wanted to get something where I could exercise inside. I do have videos like 30 day shred and others, but I get bored watching the same thing every day. But it’s 95+ degrees and 100% humidity right now even at 9pm, so even walking 30 minutes would mean I’d be dripping wet.

    I didn’t want a bulky cardio machine; I have a fairly small apartment and just don’t have the space. Wasting time on Amazon, I found a mini stepper that had really great reviews, that is just the bottom part, no handles or anything, so it can slide under the bed or under a desk.

    I ordered it on a whim, and it’s freakin fantastic. It has the full range of motion of a regular stepper, I can adjust the resistance, and I can do it inside in air conditioning watching TV. I’m sure it’s not as intense of a workout as say, running miles or the elliptical at a good gym, but it’s been great to get exercise in after work when leaving the house and the cool air feels impossible.

    (They have a mini elliptical too, but that was $120 and I didn’t want to spend that much if I hated it…now I’m considering it)

    It was $50 and it’s awesome. If anyone is looking for a way to sneak in exercise at home (or even at a standing desk), this is a great little tool. If you have Prime, it’s free same-day delivery. http://amzn.to/2abOHyf

26. I’m just looking for thoughts/advice. I’ve always traveled to see my best friend, to her hometown, my hometown, her college, grad school, ETC. we’ve lived across the country from each other since we graduated high school 10 years ago. We both have our first major after grad school jobs, and I bought her a plane ticket to come visit me. I’m excited she’s going to get to see where I live, my city, meet some of my friends, ETC. for the first time. I live in a studio apartment, and she’s coming for 3.5 days. We only usually see each other once every year or two. She called me a couple of days ago to say her fiance is p*d off because she planned on a trip without him, and now, he wants to come too. I told her I couldn’t buy another plane ticket, my studio is small with no room for an air mattress, and I just would like some girl time with her, besides the state fair and dinners we do with local friends. He says he won’t mind coming with us to shop for hours, and he’ll just go to whatever activities we want. I feel like having him along with us will change the tone of the trip. Am I being ridiculous for feeling this way? When I go to visit her, I expect to do things with them as a couple. However, it seems he shouldn’t have to go everywhere with her. I don’t even know what I’m asking. I just needed to vent so I don’t push my irritation on everyone.

    1. Nah. This is a them problem to figure out. If he wants to both buy another ticket and a hotel room, cool. But your friend should make it clear that the trip is so she can spend time with you. Not him. And that he will need to entertain himself. And maybe that she’s also staying at your place. They need to figure it out but it’s not unreasonable for a woman to go see a friend without her SO.

    2. I don’t think you’re being ridiculous at all. It’s true that having him along will change the trip. There are times when I want to just be with my girlfriends and not my husband because the dynamic is different when he’s there (even though he’s a perfectly lovely person and everyone gets along with everyone else).

       Having said that, I’m not sure what you can do about it if they get a plane ticket for him and decide to stay in a hotel. Other than suggest that he find some way to entertain himself while the two of you hang out. It stinks.

    3. can you say to your friend you are excited for a girls trip now and that next time you both can plan a fun group trip in advance? Your friend is out of bounds putting this on you and changing plans so late – especially after you bought the flight (why didn’t your friend buy her own now that she has a job??)

    4. Girl, you’re not being ridiculous at all. You bought her plane ticket!!!! OMG IS THIS A THING? I would never consider buying a plane ticket for a friend to visit me. I think if you’re the one putting in all the expense she should be a bit more respectful of how you envisioned the visit going. If she were buying her own ticket maybe it’d be different. Also partners that are like that make me angry in general. It’s good to have separate lives in certain respects.

       1. Yes, partners like that bother me too. I don’t usually buy plane tickets either. She had to put $3,000 towards emergency surgery a couple of months ago, so she doesn’t have any extra money right now. I could have bought the ticket for myself and gone to visit her, but she lives in my home town, and I’d have to hear it forever from family why I went to visit my friend and didn’t stay with them. He will buy the plane ticket for himself, but the expectation is that he stays here as well because they can’t afford a hotel, sigh.

          1. Nope nope nope. You tell fiancé that he isn’t welcome in your home, the invitation was only extended to bff. He can come if he gets a hotel. Full stop.

          2. You sound lovely and generous and your friend is being totally rude. All you should be hearing from her is “thanks so much for helping me come see you – I can’t wait.” Full stop. I’m upset on your behalf that she’d invite her boyfriend. Totes inappropres! Like hello!!

             1. Sorry, let me just add to what she should be saying to you: “thanks so much for helping me come see you – I can’t wait … already selected some wine/treats for us and packed them!! Friend recommended a restaurant I should take you to while in town.” That’s how I would respond if someone was buying me a plane ticket to see them.

    5. Your friend is out of line. I’d tell her that you were hoping to spend time with just her and would not have bought a ticket if they were coming as a couple.

    6. Are you concerned about her and this relationship? If so, and if he comes along, I’d seriously bring up the topic of healthy relationships and time apart in conversation with the two of them. If she is just so head over heels at the moment that she isn’t thinking straight, that’s not excusable, but it happens and, assuming she gets her head back on straight, y’all will be just fine. But if the problem isn’t her being coocoo for him right now, but is him being overbearing, then that could be a long term problem for your friendship and your friend.

       1. Yes, the “he won’t mind coming with using shop for hours” was a particular red flag for em. What?! This sounds like a really absurd and controlling dynamic. Your friend’s fiancé is even more out of line than your friend and I’m worried that she sees his request and reasoning as normal. It’s not. They’re about to get married so I presume they’ve been together for at least a year. In that time I’d expect he’d be feeling secure enough in the relationship that she can have a girls’ weekend without him?

          1. The autocorrect on my phone often gets the best of my posts but I think you know what I mean. I’m all over this thread because it hit a nerve with me. I was in an abusive relationship in which the early signs were much like the fiances behaviour here. I of course am not insinuating this is an abusive relationship or that it will become one but I do think it’s important that your friend (and you!) set some boundaries ASAP.

          2. Yes, I’ve mentioned something similar to her, about being able to have time apart, ETC. I’ve also mentioned my concerns about the relationship before because he’s done other controlling and/or anger-related behaviors. Luckily, the immediate situation is resolved. She texted me a little while ago to say she’s talked him out of coming because she just wants girl time; still concerned about the relationship in general though, sigh. They’ve been together 1.5 years and will get married next September. You are all lovely; thanks for listening/reading my venting.

27. Idk if anyone is still reading this thread, but I’m reposting my question from the sale post, because that one looks completely dead. I’ve picked up some nice outfits from the sale site, but have a couple questions

    These capris are available in regular sizes too small for me and plus sizes too big. Does that mean that is all they ever have, or just that they set aside some “unlucky sizes” for the sale? http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/zella-all-star-athletic-capri-pants/4086159?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BLACK

    I love this blazer in berry, but I took too long and it sold out from under me while it was in my cart ;( What does that mean exactly? Is it gone forever, just out temporarily and might be back before the end of the sale, will it be available at regular price after Aug 8, or am I out of luck forever and will never have the blazer I long for?

    1. Blazer http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/caslon-knit-one-button-blazer-regular-petite/4399716?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BLACK

    2. They generally do not hold stuff back. However, things do come back into stock as people return items.

       1. So keep checking back daily? I saw a way to set things aside for later, but couldn’t do it for this, because it’s sold out. Is there any kind of notification that will let me know when they have it again in my size and color?
          Thanks!

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