Weekend Open Thread

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

I don’t know what it is lately but I can’t get enough of things that have little thumbholes in them, like this wrap sweatshirt. It has pockets and looks like a great shirt for lounging on the weekend and going to and from the gym, etc. It comes in regular and plus sizes at Nordstrom for $99–$109. Elevate Me Wrap Sweatshirt

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  1. 30something :

    Please talk to me about adulting:

    I am a 30 something, married with no kids, doing-well-in-my-career person in a job I quite like (in the social services sector). I get to work from home a LOT and travel and vacation when I need. Still I am feeling somewhat unfulfilled: I have some hobbies I engage in, the few volunteering opportunities I tried felt contrived (may be because my day job is essentially a paying volunteer activism type of job). I have time but I am often eating pizza and candy for dinner. I just generally am feeling like somehow this is not what adult life was supposed to be. thoughts?

    What are the 3 things you do that make you feel like a sorted adult?

    • I’m mid 3os, have a kid and another on the way, a dog, a mortgage, a career, life insurance, but I still feel like I’m playing grown up half the time. So I don’t know if this is unusual. Maybe adulthood is something that just sneaks up on you.

      • I think that the OP is needing to have a child to be truly fulfilled. I think that we are very similar, except I am NOT married. She is, but is STILL unfulfilled; therefore having a child will be her solution! YAY!!!!

    • (1) Only keeping friends who bring joy and otherwise contribute to my life;
      (2) Keeping my animals in high comfort and with good health care; and
      (3) Being the protector of my time (e.g., saying no).

      I guess owning a house falls in this category, but since I’d be perfectly fine renting, for me this doesn’t necessarily make me feel like an adult.

      • But, FWIW, I am not married, do not have kids (all a-okay with me), but do own a house.

      • Triangle Pose :

        I’m the same with all of these!

        I do think that maintaining the house I own does make me feel like an adult (I still agree that I’d be perfectly fine renting and that’s still being an adult).

      • Becoming a landlord (5-unit building) has turned out to be way more of a crash course in adulting than I could ever imagine.

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t feel unfulfilled at all, but I don’t exactly feel like an adult. I feel like I’m still 16 inside only now I pay taxes.

    • I guess you’d have to define what your picture of adulting is. With a 2 year old at home, I do a lot of laundry. I also do a lot of tumbling and singing and playing in general like a 2yo, so not very “adult” for those parts of my day.

      One thing I’d recommend is learning to cook at home. Only because it changed my own life. I attempted the Paleo diet, which forced me to cook real food, at home, and in a different way than I grew up eating. I am no longer as strict, but it gave me new tools and created a foundation for cooking for me and now cooking for my family.

      • I was going to say this, too. What about learning to cook – that could be a hobby, would be healthier than candy for dinner, and I have a real feeling of accomplishment when I have made something delicious myself.

        As for things that make me feel on it, it sort of boils down to the stuff your mom nags you about as a kid:
        – are you eating well?
        – are you sleeping well?
        – are you doing well at school/sports (as an adult this is work, hobbies- the real key as you get older is finding happiness especially with limited time)? and I also think this involves being informed on current events as an adult.
        – are you being a good person? (to the world, to your VIPs, to yourself)
        – are you being responsible? (as an adult this means everything from being financially stable to not staying up until 3am to watch netflix and feeling miserable the next day)

    • Anonymous :

      Managing my investments, honestly.

    • Boston Legal Eagle :

      I still have times when I feel like I’m a teenager in high school even though I’m in my thirties, married, with a kid (no mortgage yet though!) I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel differently. However, the following makes me see myself as more adult:

      1. Figuring out who I am and what I desire apart from what my parents want/value. Therapy helps a lot with this. And just generally trying to get to a place where I feel like I control my life versus having it mapped out for me.

      2. Having a child. It makes me relate more to my parents and other parents (who = adults, in my mind). This also creates lots of responsibilities and structure. You don’t need to be a parent to be an adult, it’s just been the case for me.

      3. Being able to buy alcohol and drink whenever I want (within reason of course – see #2 – responsibilities!)

    • My adulting is more emotional I think than anything else. The biggest thing is: no is a complete sentence. Learn this, believe it, practice it. And then when people invite you to do things you have no interest in doing, say no and don’t feel either guilty for declining or like you’re missing out for not doing a social thing.

      But it sounds like maybe you think pizza and candy for dinner is the not-an-adult part? Eat pizza and candy for dinner if you want. You do you. I eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch a couple times a week. I like peanut butter!

    • Anonymous :

      The thing that made me feel most adult was when I had to take care of my mother and make major life decisions for her when she was going through cancer treatment. She is not married and I am the oldest child and so it fell to me. Even though I was in my mid-30’s, married, 3 kids, a lawyer with a job where I regularly argue cases in our State Supreme Court (which seems like an adult thing to do?), had a mortgage, a retirement account, etc. all of the things that I would think would make me feel like an adult. But it was not until that experience that I really felt like there is no one else who is the adult to do this. It was a dramatic shift in my life. Not necessarily for the better. I’m sure that doesn’t help. But that is when I felt like an adult.

      • My mother died before my siblings and I got married and suddenly I was picking up a lot of the emotional labor for our immediate family that she had done. That made me feel adult – I don’t recommend it though.

        • Never too many shoes... :

          Absolute yes to this. While I sometimes still feel like I am “playing house” (married, house, lawyer, 6 year old kid), nothing made me feel more adult than my father dying and having to make the necessary arrangements.

      • Maudie Atkinson :

        Similarly, I began to feel like an adult once my dad died.

      • Anonymous :

        Yes, losing a parent made me feel fully grown. And taking care of my terminally ill step dad is also adult. I think we can volunteer and serve people but there is nothing like being responsible for someone’s care taking.

    • Anonymous :

      Having investments and handling them.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      1. I have friends who reflect back to me the best in me. Like, when I am agonizing that I screwed up on this one part of a thing, they remind me that it’s bad*ss that I did the thing to begin with. It makes me realize that maybe I’m not faking the whole hting.

      2. I’m slowly dropping my worry about ‘doing it right’ in others’ eyes, and starting to really investigate what is important to me. On a lot of levels: values, fashion, etc. Somehow that makes me feel more integrated and less insecure.

      3. I don’t always get the cheapest cocktail on the menu. I can spend an extra $2 to get the one I want! (I fund this with all the money I save drinking $1.50 margaritas other nights out!)

    • 1) I pay all of my own bills. I own a home but I felt like an adult when I was renting too. I’m solely responsible for my finances.

      2) I have a dog. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I love her to death and she makes living alone so much more fun.

      3) I take care of myself. I stopped worrying that I was getting older and becoming boring and started eating better because I had more energy. I stopped snacking instead of having meals. I started making sure I stay hydrated. I live by myself so I basically cook two meals a week and have leftovers the rest of the time. I gave myself permission to be boring and stay at home reading or watching tv. I do nerdy things that I like, whether it’s going to the historical homes tour or the Day of the Dead celebration. I do what I want to do and I don’t worry about whether I can get a friend to go with me or not.

      • Sub in a cat for the dog, and this is me completely. Adulthood is hard but very rewarding.

      • Anonymous :

        This is me. My adulting is paying all the bills myself, eating better, going to the gym, and not making excuses for what I want to do. I’m not waiting for an SO or a friend to keep me company on nerdy day-trips. I am enough and I’m going to go and have fun.

    • Anonymous :

      1. When I became self-supporting and understood that there was no way my parents could help me, financially, emotionally, or logistically if anything went wrong.
      2. When I became a parent and was entirely responsible for keeping my child alive and ensuring that she had the opportunity to develop into her best and happiest self.
      3. When my husband was very ill and I had to make major medical decisions and realized he would never again be a 100% reliable support for me.

      So basically realizing that you are responsible for your own life and/or another, the buck stops with you, and you have no backup. That is what makes you an adult.

      My husband, who had an idyllic childhood and youth with wealthy parents who could help him out with any problem, has had a lot of trouble with these types of transitions, particularly taking on a caregiving role with his parents. I have never had as much trouble with the idea of being responsible for myself because I did not grow up with any of those expectations.

    • 30something :

      OP here! Thanks so much everyone, loving what I am reading so far. I don’t have pets, would LOVVVVEEE to have one but it won’t be a good idea as I travel a lot. I do own a house and for a while was obsessed about DIY’ng, decorating and now that I am done with all that (and very well as per my friends), I guess I feel somewhat of a void.. may be a lack of a next “project”!

    • Let’s flip this on its head. What is a ‘sorted adult’? What does that mean to you and why aren’t you there? I know a bunch of 50 somethings who feel exactly as I do. I am not sure adult means the same thing to everyone; its a construct.

    • 1. Having a good and stable career
      2. Having an education
      3. Accomplishing other things I wanted to accomplish

      Married with no kids and no interest in motherhood for another 5 years or so. Right now I want to enjoy myself and live to the fullest. Whatever that looks like.

      No interest in owning a home or buying one. Too nomadic for that. Have a career that is everywhere. I want to try new things and do whatever I feel like doing taking advantage of not having small humans to be preoccupied with right now. Enjoying my somewhat selfish life.

  2. Shoprunner adds Ann Tyalor :

    Heyo! Free shipping and returns. I might look at this brand again!

  3. Anonymous :

    Please don’t go out in an open front sweater without a shirt on.

  4. Hi all, does anyone have recommendations for an employment lawyer in Maryland? Thanks!

  5. Sloan Sabbith :

    I’d like this a lot more if it was modeled with a shirt. If it’s cool enough to wear this it’s cool enough for a real shirt.

    • Anonymous :

      On the Nordstrom website it looks better (and also drool worthy).

    • Anonymous :

      Agreed, I think I’d love it and live in it (and I want it right now, I am /so cold/, but the styling drives me up the wall. I don’t even necessarily mind not wearing a shirt and just a sports bra/bralette/crop top, it’s just a seasonal mismatch.

    • Triangle Pose :

      I’m seeing Michael Ian Black at a comedy club Saturday! YAYYY

      Also, going to watch the new season of Stranger things tonight (Friday night counts we weekend, right?).

      Go for a long bike ride Saturday, weather looks perfect for that, go to hot yoga class Saturday and Sunday.

      Going to make and eat a giant breakfast for myself Sunday.

      Having airbnb guests this weekend.

    • Anonymous :

      I have a really similar sweatshirt from Lululemon and LOVE it. I have always wanted another but they don’t sseem to sell it anymore; I’m really tempted by this one.

    • Anonymous :

      I am amazed that this doesn’t have weird cutouts in back like all of Zella’s other recent sweatshirts. I had actually stopped looking at Zella for that reason.

  6. pugsnbourbon :

    What’s everyone looking forward to this weekend?

    It’s cold and rainy here and I’m coming off a busy week, so I’m looking forward to making soup and watching a scary movie.

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t have plans tonight OR Saturday (which I’m super excited about) so I’m going to stay in bed, read, watch TV, and generally avoid humans for 2 straight days. Bliss. Plus, Outlander!

      • Anonymous :

        You have my exact weekend plan. Also, OUTLANDER!!!!! After reading three books, I finally bit the bullet on getting Starz through my Amazon Prime so I can watch. May have watched the entire first season this week (blush).

        • Anonymous :

          Huge huge Outlander fan here. I’ve read all 8 books dozens of times. The show is enjoyable, doesn’t compare to the books imo, but still good.

      • This is my Friday night plan, + a dog and two cats!

        My bff and I are taking our kid/”kids” (2 dogs and a baby) on a walk by the river tomorrow. We have a bunch to catch up on because #life.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I have such a great weekend planned! (Braces self for jinxing everything)

      Baking cookies and going mini golfing with my toddler. A playdate involving pizza!
      A long-distance movie night with my #squad!
      An educational/beer thing that I’m making my family go to — they’ll meet this new group of friends I’m cultivating.

      More generally, I’m excited for coffee in the mornings with nowhere to rush to.

    • catching up on my fall tv shows and laying in bed! first trimester over here and today is my worst day so far. i literally puked all over myself this morning on the way to a doctor’s appointment and had to run home to change before going to the doctor.

    • Anonymous :

      Open Mosque Day at a local mosque. I have never been in one and we want to show our support.

      Has anyone been to this event, or have any idea about intelligent questions to ask?

      • Lana Del Raygun :

        Is there anything about Islam you’re curious about? Just ask that! Don’t stress about “intelligent” questions. They’re having this event so they can share their faith and their life with others.

        I would ask suggest trying to find out in advance what level of dress is normal (wrt to formality and modesty). It can be uncomfortable to be dressed way differently from everyone else (although if there are a lot of visitors that probably helps), but it also seems respectful to me–their turf, their rules. And update us after, please? It sounds fascinating!

      • Anonymous :

        I’m Muslim – in terms of attire – as long as you’re not in short shorts and a tank top, no one will care. Given that its fall in most places — jeans and a long sleeves top are great, but honestly no one will think anything if you wear a knee length dress bc you’re not there to pray. As for questions – anything you’re curious about at all – about religion, Ramadan, food/alcohol, home life. Just don’t imply that all Muslims are into terror and you’ll be well received.

        • Anonymous :

          Also sometimes the really well educated officiants are great equating Islam to other faiths which I think helps Americans realize we aren’t sooo different — ie we also believe x, just like the Bible says in John z:y.

      • Honestly, ask whatever questions you want, no matter how dumb they seem. People *want* to answer your questions. And if your locale has a mosque, call them and ask to speak to the Imam or President and request an open mosque day. It honestly does not occur to many Mosque boards to have an open mosque day.

    • Triangle Pose :

      I’m seeing Michael Ian Black at a comedy club Saturday! YAYYY

      Also, going to watch the new season of Stranger things tonight (Friday night counts we weekend, right?).

      Go for a long bike ride Saturday, weather looks perfect for that, go to hot yoga class Saturday and Sunday.

      Going to make and eat a giant breakfast for myself Sunday.

      Having airbnb guests this weekend.

    • Calibrachoa :

      Sleeeeeeeeeeep. I plan on sleeping forever, and then doing some housework.

    • Lana Del Raygun :


      Flu shots, that is. And a talk on the ethics of surrogacy, and a Stranger Things release party. And I still have to do all the laundry. Aaiieeeeeee.

      • I had a Prof in University who was a pretty badass lady and would occasionally talk about the ethics of surrogacy. You just brought up some fond memories, so thanks!

    • Baconpancakes :

      Camping tonight, hiking tomorrow morning, making a moon phases clay wall hanging and binging Stranger Things tomorrow night, trying to wrangle my guest room into shape on Sunday.

    • Senior Attorney :

      The big party for my husband’s milestone birthday was last night and was a big success. So I will be testing on my laurels this weekend!

    • I am going to the theatre tonight (musical theatre) with a recent alum. A friend and I bought tickets together, then she can’t go, so I invited a former student who needed a ticket. One of my close friends is directing and she’s freaking out but I’m sure it’s going to be great.

      I also (gulp) started fostering to adopt a seven month old kitten. She is currently snuggling on my chest. She is getting into everything, but she’s so sweet and happy and is helping me stop obsessing about my cat’s death. We obviously needed each other! So this weekend, I will be spending time with her and will buy her a new litter box and toys and some more of the kitten food she loves.

      I had a concert last weekend so I finally get my Sundays back for a while. Whew! Nothing but cleaning and football and kitten.

      • I love this update!

        • Thanks! It was a big decision, but I actually met this adorable kitten girl the day after my kitty died. I went to a local rescue to donate some of her things (mainly a baby scale) and they invited me into the cat room, just for some comfort. This little cutie was there and I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I know it’s hard for black cats to be adopted and I wanted another black cat. I was off on Monday so I went back and she just clung to me. It’s taking some adjustment having a cat that is this rambunctious but she will get used to my house and she’s already really attached to me. She’s a little love bug!

    • I just picked up a mama cat and her 4 kittens that I’m fostering for the next month! They are all adorable and have settled in so well already!! Plus baby kitties to play and snuggle with!!!!!!!

  7. Bag suggestions? For the last couple months, I’ve been staying over my boyfriend’s apartment most nights of the week. I’m looking for a new bag for my stuff – I’m using an oversized tote but it doesn’t close and I’d prefer something that zips. I have 2-3 days worth of stuff with me at a time (clothes, travel dryer, makeup, etc) and I’d like to keep it under $200.

    • Le sport sac makes bags that zip. I have a Hayden Reis bag that I love that zips (though i’m not in love with the zipper). It is more meant as a beach bag, but can be used for anything. Sole Society Oversize Millie Tote at Nordstrom. Rebecca Minkoff makes a Washed Nylon Tote, also sold at Nordstrom. (not including links bc don’t want to get stuck in moderation). Barrington makes a tote that zips as does Lo and Sons. Sometimes Athleta or Lululemon also have cute bags.

    • A tote’s pretty practical for that kind of thing – I have an LL Bean boat and tote with a zipper. The medium holds enough for a weekend, and the large could substitute for genuine luggage (it’s pretty massive). Heavy duty, zip top, long over the shoulder length handles. If you’re actually carrying around a hair dryer, multiple changes of clothes and shoes, etc., get the large with long handles and a zip top, pick out a nice trim color and monogram, and you’re still under $60.

    • givemyregards :

      How attractive do you want this bag to be? I’d go for a big llbean tote that zips, but that might not be the look you’re going for. What about the expandable longchamp midsized tote that gets taller? That way you could zip it up smaller and use it for other stuff as needed.

    • In a similar boyfriend situation here (I spend 2-3 nights a week at my place, the rest at his). What you want is a weekender. I use one I picked up for $30 on Amazon, but if you’re looking for something a little nicer without breaking the bank, I’d try Everlane or Sole Society.

      • Anon in NYC :

        Yes, a weekender is the type of bag you want. I have a Vera Bradley one that is a good size, lots of interior pockets, is extremely light, and has a sleeve so you can slide it over a rolling suitcase. I do not normally like Vera Bradley patterns, but there are solid color options too (black, navy, burgandy, etc).

        • I can vouch for the Vera Bradley weekender bag. Also agree that the patterns aren’t really my thing either, but the bag is a perfect size for the need you’re describing. I also find it’s a great carry-on piece that fits underneath the seat of small aircraft (puddle jumpers). But it’s big enough you can actually put stuff in it.

          Now I find myself using it quite a bit for my 18 month old when we travel – the pockets fit diapers / wipes well, and you can fit a ton of baby clothes / blankets in it.

    • Anonymous :

      Leave stuff at his place?

    • Anon for obvious reasons :

      I need a reality check. I’ve been dating a guy I’m very fond of for about 8 months now. He’s divorced with three kids. We have a lot in common, have lots of fun when we’re together, etc. The first couple months were wonderful, but then little (possibly big) things started to bother me. Every time any of these things would come up, his explanations were always perfect and he was apologetic about the situation, assured me he adored me and was working on it, but then nothing would change.

      For example, I still haven’t seen his house and don’t even know where it is (other than the town). He claims he’s renovating and he wants it to be perfect before I see it. I know what he does for a living, but don’t know where he works. I’ve never actually gotten an answer on that. I haven’t met his kids, or even his dogs. He doesn’t stay over, because of the dogs, and I’m obviously not being invited over to his place. He is supposed to have his kids 3 weekends a month, but he has supposedly had them every weekend since we’ve been dating for various reasons (allowing his ex time to do her homework or move, various family events, etc); so we’ve never had any time together on a weekend. Because of the weekend/dog situation, we can only see each other a couple hours in the evening Monday to Thursday. But one of his kids is big into swimming, so he takes him to practice about three of those nights and often has work on the fourth, so we might go weeks without seeing each other (six weeks once). We text all the time during the week, but on the weekends he basically forgets I exist. He won’t call to talk, even though I’ve asked specifically, and he won’t answer when I call. He also won’t make any plans or go on any dates (we basically get dinner and hang out at my place). He says he can’t commit to anything because his kids’ schedules change so much. At one point, we planned to take a weekend trip together, picked the destination, picked the weekend, made a list of what we were going to do, and then when it was time to make the hotel reservation, he decided he was too busy with his kids and home renovations to get away.

      I have a mutual friend with his ex wife, and I’m pretty sure he’s not seeing someone else. I’ve dated people with kids before, but not three. At this point, I can’t even tell if kids are an excuse or the actual reason he’s busy all the time. I just know that I’m getting tired of feeling like a last minute option, or being made to feel like I’m too demanding when I want things like spending more than a couple hours a month together. Then, the last few weeks, whenever I try to talk about how I’d like to spend more time together, or suggest something we could do together, I have to hear about how he’s depressed and anxious and overwhelmed and it’s stressing him out that I want to do things – I should just go along with what he can fit in.

      It’s making my crazy, and I need some impartial opinions at this point.

      • Anonymous :




        Are you sure he isn’t still married? This is so, so weird and throwing up so many red flags. You don’t even know where he works?

        Dump him. Dump him yesterday.

        • +1. He sounds married to me.

        • Yeah that was my first thought too. Maybe he’s still married.

        • Senior Attorney :

          If he’s not still married, he has a girlfriend and you’re the woman on the side.

          • +100000000000000000

          • Anonymous :


          • Yep. This is textbook behavior babe. He is hiding something, many things or someone. Either way you don’t need this kind of secrecy and bs from a new bf. I say text him “Delete my number :)” and this weekend get dressed up and go out with your girls and remember you are a total smoke show and you do not need this kind of s.o.b.

          • Nina is that you?

      • Lana Del Raygun :

        It’s very reasonable for you to want to see him more, and to want him to prioritize you. BUT it’s not reasonable for you to *expect* him to do those things, because he’s just spent eight months demonstrating that he won’t.

        So: he wants to have a relationship where you “just go along with what he can fit in,” and all the evidence points to those being the only terms on which he’s willing to date you. Do you want to date him on those terms? It sounds to me like you don’t. (I sure wouldn’t.) There’s no reason you *should* want to date him on those terms, but you have to let go of the idea that you will be able to date him on any other terms. He’s made that clear, if not explicit. If you’re not happy with this kind of relationship (and that would be very, very reasonable and normal! this is not a “too clingy” issue AT ALL), then you have to break up with him.

        Does that help?

      • Rainbow Hair :

        I don’t want to guess what is making him do the things he is doing (though I have some thoughts!!!!!) but I think you need to just look at what you’re getting. Do you LIKE only spending this amount of time with him? Do you LIKE knowing that your boyfriend won’t answer the phone? Do you WANT this kind of relationship? If the answer is no, it’s time to go.

      • the most anon in the world :

        Quite frankly it sounds like he’s still married. I know you say you’ve got a friend who knows his ex… but this is really extreme. You sound like the mistress. I’m sorry. I know because I was one. This sounds identical in terms of timing issues and communication and excuses (although no kids with mine.) (Please DON’T pile on, I don’t want to detract from OP’s thread, yeah, yeah I’m a horrible person and deserve to die.)

        Even if you weren’t, his level of evasiveness is extreme and it doesn’t sound like he’s giving you anywhere close to what you need. I think your needs are reasonable.

        • Anonymous :

          +1 to this, but even when I was the other woman, and I knew where he worked!

        • Anonymous :

          You don’t deserve to die. I was the other woman in a relationship, and I was married at the time, and I look back now and think: I am not that person any more. I’m divorced and happily repartnered to someone who is literally one of the most ethical people I know, he knows my history, and he trusts me.

          It’s not good behavior but you do not deserve to die. You deserve to (and I hope you are) live a better life.

      • 8 months?! You’re right to be feeling that this is crazy-making – it is. This would be unaccpetable to me. Ask him- what’s your address? Where to do you work? (“I’ve never actually gotten an answer on that” – what???) There are so many red flags here it’s a parade. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I would be re-evaluating this relationship.

      • Anonymous :

        He sounds very married to me.

      • how can you date someone for 8 months and not know where they work? unless he is in the CIA or something super secretive like that, but this is just weird. Has he met any of your friends? if yes, can you say one wants to send him a holiday card and asked for his address or something like that? Not to be mean, but I really think this sounds so creepy and it is time to end it

      • Even if he is truly divorced from the mother of his children, that doesn’t exclude the possibility that he is remarried or has a live-in girlfriend.

        • Anonymous :

          This. For sure. Like he will only see you at your place and not even go to a restaurant? 100% married or girlfriend

      • Anonymous :

        Yep, sounds very similar to a situation in which my friend eventually discovered that she was the other woman.

      • So many red flags, but the kicker is at the end of your post. He’s stressed when you ask him to do things and wants you to just wait until he wants to do something. Really?!?!!! You deserve so much better, but especially someone who looks forward to spending time with you and works with you. This guy is an a**hole and wants everything on his schedule. Move on.

      • Anonymous :

        I agree with the consensus above that this man sounds still married or in a relationship with someone else. I dated one of those who was always too busy and never wanted to go out in public. We actually worked together (I know…I was young) so I knew he was reasonably busy, and he used that as why he didn’t want to be seen out in case we ran into someone from our midsize firm. He basically wanted to flirt with me in the office and come over when it suited him, but have no obligations of a relationship. It ended when I changed jobs and wasn’t so convenient for him. I later found out that a month after we “broke up”, he was already serious enough with a woman to bring her and her child to his family’s Christmas, and they were MARRIED that spring. This was a dude who proclaimed a serious commitment to bachelorhood and replaced his dining room table with a poker table at one point. He had no problem making time for the woman he wanted to be with, and advancing the relationship.

        But enough rambling about me. Let’s say just for argument that he’s not dating anyone else and really is this distant. Would that be enough of a relationship for you? It sounds like you want the commitment of regular plans, going out on dates, planning trips, spending nights at each other’s houses and not just yours, meeting friends and family, etc. If that’s the case, I think you have to bow out because you’re not getting what you want out of this. He is just saying what he knows you want to hear to keep this going because in its current form its a pretty sweet gig for him. He’s not going to change. Are you okay with that?

      • HAHAHAHA I’m sorry if you’re not a tr0ll but whether this story is true or not – this dude is totally married.

      • Responding anon :

        Girl. Unless he’s Batman, dude is married. There’s a 100% chance he’s married.

        • Been there :

          I was you a few years ago. I told myself I was okay with a relationship where I barely saw my SO, and he always had a kid-related excuses for his absences. He messed with my mind. When I was disappointed about last minute cancellations, he would make me feel like I was needy and selfish. A master manipulator. He was cheating and when I was confronted with clear evidence, it was crushing. I was so ashamed because I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. The women on this site really helped me to process and heal.

          Get out now. It will still be hard, and you can grieve that loss. When you are ready to date again, don’t settle. If you want a partner to be able to do things on the weekend, you will find that. It isn’t asking too much. It will hurt in the short-term but you will be sooooo much happier long-term. Good luck!

      • Anonymous :

        He’s married. For sure. Move on.

  8. Anonymous :

    I’m the poster from this morning with a new-ish (couple months) boyfriend made me feel really guilty and did a passive aggressive FB post when I wouldn’t spend the night with him in the hospital. He’s there for IV antibiotics and a very minor surgery to clean out an infection.

    Thanks to all those who pointed out the red flags of neediness and passive aggression. He’s now been bugging me to come by as soon as I get off work, saying he needs me by his side. I said I’d be by after I went home, changed, and fed my pets. I’m getting pushback that I’m too busy, I’m not showing him affection, and that’s what couples do (sit in the hospital by each other?). So…red flags, duly noted. This is a very childish side of him.

    Thanks for validating my feeling that his request, to sleep/stay by him in a chair in the hospital all night, was odd, particularly when I explained the reasons I couldn’t.

    • I know everyone has different needs, but I can’t imagine making such a big deal out of this minor thing and then making someone I supposedly care about feel guilty about not being there when they have completely valid reasons for not being there 24/7.

      I had outpatient surgery earlier this year which involved cutting open my head and having something drilled into my skull and I Uber’d there and didn’t see another person outside of the medical staff until my bff came to pick me up. It just wasn’t a big deal.

      • Never too many shoes... :

        Ok, but perhaps you are tougher than a lot of people. And I think people were a bit harsh to be honest.

        While I think the FB posting was a bit off, I would honestly be a bit sad that my boyfriend was not there with me when I was in hospital. He is not dying or anything, but he is obviously in pain, lonely and maybe a bit scared in that minor surgery is still surgery. I would have likely had the meeting that I had scheduled and then taken the afternoon off and gone to the hospital. That being said, showing up is my love language and that kind of stuff is a big deal to me.

        For everyone who called his neediness a red flag, the opposite applies for me – I would think that a boyfriend who worked their full day and then went home before coming to see me when I was admitted to the hospital was not a good fit for me. Just another perspective.

        • Anonymous :

          Would you expect him to stay overnight for minor surgery and not feed his pets? Really?

          • But she’s not going home first just to go home — she has pets to take care of. That’s not optional. For me, acting like it is would be a deal breaker.

          • Being expected to skip feeding my pets or taking my dog out before going to the hospital is not acceptable. If you are in the hospital for more than a day, you understand that people also have other responsibilities right? If he was there for a couple hours, sure, the animals can hang out and she could stay. That’s if he had asked her in a way that didn’t include shaming her for not being there when she already said why she couldn’t. This is not life threatening. He did this to himself.

            Guilt is not an appropriate way to ask someone to comfort you or meet your needs. There are constructive ways to tell someone what you need – posting on FB about being lonely and then attempting to make someone feel guilty by shaming them for not being there for you in any situation is not acceptable.

          • Never too many shoes... :

            Bit of a dramatic extrapolation of what I said. But the OP could have structured her day somewhat differently to spend time with him had she felt it was important. She thinks this is a minor thing and he is being a bit of a baby about it. I just think that there is some merit to the idea that this is a big deal for him and he is not the automatic villain here.

          • He can absolutely feel sad if she isn’t there and he wants her to be. I am not saying his feelings aren’t valid. I am saying that he is treating HER like the villain instead of acting like a mature adult who understands that people have obligations and that this is not an emergency where she should be expected to take time off of work and completely rearrange her schedule. That is unreasonable IMO. She can decide if she wants to be in a relationship with someone who tries to make her feel bad about having other obligations in her life (which we all have), but it would not work for me.

      • Anon in NYC :

        I mean, I get her boyfriend’s perspective. He doesn’t want to be alone in the hospital. That’s a perfectly normal, valid thing to feel. BUT, his neediness about it, coupled with passive aggressive behavior, and the fact that this is so early in their relationship? Hard pass.

    • I consider going home to feed your pets not actually optional, and am surprised he seems to think it is!

      Best of luck with this situation.

      • Anonymous :

        Yes. Just wait – he is going to find them expendable. And your family as well. This seems like a classical emotional abuser/controller. He will want to always rank #1.

    • Anonymous :

      If you don’t want to go see him or want to break up or whatever fine – but for 2 nights in a row your excuse has been pets?? They’re dogs/cats not people and frankly if I were him I’d be considering breaking up with YOU for that. Just a different opinion.

      • Anonymous :

        I was with him in the hospital for 6 hours last night, and I said I’d go see him today after stopping home to feed my pets. Yes, my dog has to be let out and my cat needs food. I didn’t say I wouldn’t go by today, just not immediately after I left work.

      • Anonymous :

        This response doesn’t make any sense. Of course they are not people. If they were people, maybe they would be able to let themselves out without going on the floor!

      • Pretty Primadonna :

        I kind of agree with this, but I will say I do not and have never had any pets. If I were the gf, I would have tried to find someone to feed my pets and take them out, etc. And I would expect the same of my dude. Different strokes. Shrugs.

    • Anonymous :

      I really wasn’t aware that you could stay overnight with someone in a hospital who wasn’t your minor child or your partner who had just given birth (and even then, I think you are there to assist in the caretaking, rather than as a social companion).

      • Anonymous :

        OP here: first he was in the ER, then they admitted him, and I stayed until about 10:30 PM. No one asked who I was or said anything about visiting hours being over.

        His surgery (opening a wound and cleaning the infection) was pushed back for higher priority situations. He was supposed to have it this morning, but he called half an hour ago and was about to go in. The doctor had told us last night that while the surgery is quick (his actual words were, the paperwork takes longer to do than opening the wound and cleaning the infection out), he then has 1 hour rest/observation in surgery and 6 hours in post-op recovery by himself. So, minimum 7 hours before he can see anyone.

        I told him, I’ll call the hospital when I’m off work to see if you’re out of recovery. He got mad and said I should rush over after work and be there when he wakes up. Ummm, what? I’m not going to sit at a hospital for hours if he isn’t even in the room. No way. That’s unreasonable.

        I hear posters who say he may be scared, but we are in our 30s. This is a minor surgery, and he isn’t a child. And I’m not his mother!

        • Vent, sister. This combined with the fact that he let the infection get out of control in the first place would infuriate me.

          • Anonymous :

            Right? The cut was oozing pus on Tues., and I strongly suggested he go to the ER. He said I shouldn’t tell him what to do and he was fine. If he’d listened to me on Tues., perhaps he wouldn’t be in this situation now.

          • Rainbow Hair :

            Girl, if he’s not saying things like “ugh I am embarrassed! I should have listened to you, but I just get so nervous about doctors. This has made me recognize that I really need to work on that!” I would take a long hard look at whether this is the type of guy you’re looking to be with.

          • Senior Attorney :

            So he doesn’t want to be told what to do, but he is fine with telling you what to do and laying on the guilt and manipulation.

            Uh, no.

          • Rainbow Hair, 1000%.

            “Don’t tell me what to do!”
            “Now that I’m in the hospital for a completely avoidable reason you can’t leave!”

            That’s a whole lot of nope for me, unless 1) there’s a sincere apology in there somewhere for his behavior pre-hospital, and 2) after an honest discussion about the reasonableness or not of his expectations surrounding being in the hospital y’all agree on how to handle this kind of thing going forward.

        • Anonymous :

          You are totally in the right. He’s being passive aggressive and weird. DTMF.

        • Anonymous :

          Ok — I was agreeing with him for most of this but this part is weird. If he’s going in at 3 pm eastern time and they want him alone for 7 hrs after — that’s past 10 pm and he wants you to come sit in the waiting room/his room by yourself until 10 pm?? I can see wanting you there at 10 pm for a while before he settles down for the night. But I feel like most people would think — no you’ve had a long day, there’s nothing for you to do here, don’t rush straight here — go home, change, relax, eat dinner and THEN come when you can be with me.

          • Anonymous :

            Yes. East Coast time, and that’s exactly my point.

            Maybe he’s loopy from pain meds, but to say I need to sit there for hours alone to be there when he wakes up/can receive visitors isn’t fair.

      • Anonymous :

        +1. For kids they want you there to change diapers, provide supervision, even give sponge baths so the nurses don’t have to do it.

      • My husband spent this week in the hospital. He was in observation, a regular room, and cardiac recovery. Every night they asked if I wanted to spend the night and offered to bring in a cot. So, staying overnight in the hospital is definitely a thing outside the two situations you mentioned.

    • Anonymous :

      I had two major surgeries (planned) within six months of each other. I was using a walker/wheelchair/crutches for six weeks after each one and could not drive. I’m partnered but not cohabitating. My partner did not stay overnight in the hospital with me either time, and after one of the surgeries other friends took me home because his son got pneumonia and son’s mom declined to take a sick day from work to care for son. Fair enough!

      That said, he provided a LOT of emotional support, helped shovel my driveway because I wasn’t walking well, made my kids dinner a couple of nights when I was woozy from pain medication, and stayed a week in my guest room over Christmas because I wasn’t quite up to being a full-time parent. (My kids were elementary/middle school and he doesn’t typically sleep over when they are home, so guest room it was.) It was an enormous help and really solidified our relationship. This was a few years ago. He’s a fixture in my life and my kids’ lives now.

      It sounds like your expectations and your boyfriend’s were really different about what you would do during this period. People’s family of origin can really shape their attitude toward illness and hospitals. Did you make promises to stay the night or lead him to think you’d be Right There for him? Did he assume you’d do those things without bothering to ask?

      The mismatch in how you approach medical situations wouldn’t worry me, and even him being somewhat upset by your absence wouldn’t worry me. But if you can’t successfully communicate with each other about how things like this will go, and/or if he’s engaging in manipulative behavior, that’s a big worry, IMO.

    • I have had many many hospital visits and it’s not super fun for sure. That said, the issue here isn’t that the guy wanted you there, it’s the way he behaved when he didn’t get his way. His whining that you didn’t sleep in a chair while he slept (instead of wanting you to get good sleep since you’d be more comfortable at home and pets needed you) shows he put his priority over yours. His use of social media to be passive aggressive when he didn’t get his way shows his immaturity and likely a behavior pattern that he has no problem blasting his partner on social media during a disagreement or issue in a relationship. His response today after having a day to think about his actions in demanding you ignore your pets and your needs and return to his bedside immediately shows that even in hindsight, he’s still selfish.

      The issue here doesn’t seem to be medical, it seems to be someone who needs a mommy or a babysitter or a handmaiden, not a partner. If you don’t want to be in one of those roles, this guy doesn’t seem like the right fit for you and your goals.

    • Let’s set aside his passive aggressiveness/red flags for a moment. Another way to look at it: You didn’t WANT to spend the night. You don’t feel the need to rush over there after work (although I totally get the need to take care of your pets). Maybe you don’t like this guy as much as you thought? If it were my husband, I would have wanted to stay and I would want to rush over there after work.

      • Yeah, but it’s not her husband, and she only says she’s been “dating” the guy for a couple of months. They’re not necessarily serious or exclusive yet. Maybe this is a sign she doesn’t want to reach that level of seriousness with him, but still. I don’t think husband/wife obligations should be imposed on what may still be a fairly casual relationship.

      • I agree. When my husband was in the hospital, I slept on the chair by his bed the first night and then visited him daily after that. I’m not saying you did the wrong thing here, because this is just a new boyfriend and maybe you aren’t committed to him yet in that way (and maybe there are other issues with his behavior too), but showing compassion and literally “being there” during health problems is a big sign of devotion and love, in my mind. I’m surprised so many people in this thread act like it doesn’t matter and that people should be fine ubering to surgery on their own. That’s pretty harsh.

      • This exactly. This is what I was trying to say this morning – everyone has a different level of what they need (reasonable or unreasonable I might want my husband with me if I had to stay overnight in the hospital – personally, I’d want an advocate because I’m assuming there’s some reason I’m there and not home), but if you are annoyed by what your partner needs, especially when it’s the hospital (maybe I’m a wuss, but I’ve never had surgery and I’d be freaking out), you probably don’t like him that much. If OP doesn’t want to be there, she’s probably just not that into him.

    • my husband HATES hospitals and needles. he is a HUGE baby about them and practically passes out or cries. fortunately he didn’t end up in the hospital early on in our relationship, but i guess i could potentially see him being particularly needy in this kind of situation. However, staying with him overnight so early on is a bit much. Even now I probably would not stay overnight in the hospital with my husband unless it was something crazy or he was having emergency surgery late at night. my dad was recently in the hospital and my mom did not stay there overnight. the thing that throws me the most is his facebook post! like that is weird and he clearly knows you are going to see it and is looking for sympathy/attention. if i was stuck in the hospital i’d text my friends, not post about it on facebook.

    • Let’s set aside his passive aggressiveness for a moment. You didn’t want to spend the night. You don’t feel the need to rush over there after work. Perhaps you might not like this guy as much as you thought?

      • Anonymous :

        That’s a good point. We met in late August, so we’ve only been dating 2 months, during which time he also took a pre-planned trip and was gone for 2 weeks. So we’ve seen each other like, a month and a half, and he just seems so clingy.

        I had nearly the same situation in 2011, and I was in the hospital 3 days, without anyone by my side. I had a few visitors, but I bucked up, so maybe my experience is making me feel like he’s being a baby.

        Plus, I’m pretty annoyed he didn’t go sooner as I suggested. I feel like he could have avoided this situation.

    • These are not personality traits I want in a partner, and I don’t believe they are easily changed because he clearly has some core expectations about what it means to be in a partnership. I’m not saying what you should do, just confirming that you would not be alone if you didn’t want to remain with this man.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      This might be harsh, but adults are able to stay at the hospital alone, full stop. I’ve spent more than 100 nights alone in the hospital over the last 6 years. Someone (usually my mom) stayed 4 times: once when I was just too sick for her to leave, once when I was just too tired to advocate for myself, once when I was incredibly lonely (this was after over a dozen nights in the hospital), and once when I needed help doing things I wouldn’t let nurses help with.

      I’ve stayed alone (been alone going into and had no one after!) for surgeries, including those with sedation. I’ve stayed alone after serious surgeries. It’s nice to have company but expecting anyone to stay when they have obligations- even if they don’t! Those cots and recliners suck- and then passively aggressively shaming them is something he should be ashamed of. Even my first hospitalizations (as an adult) I didn’t have visitors every night. No pity for him. Suck it up.

      • Um… maybe not everyone in the world is as strong or independent as you are, and that’s okay?

        • Sloan Sabbith :

          Maybe. But he’s being incredibly demeaning to her here and asking her to drop her required obligations to care for him. If he’s 30+ and isn’t independent enough to spend the night in a hospital bed alone, boy bye. That’s not some extraordinary level of strength and independence. That’s being a child.

          • Anonymous :

            Exactly. It’s one thing to ask and another to act like that when they don’t but still make the effort to be there. And they’ve only been dating two months!!

    • The issues here are twofold:

      (1) Passive aggressiveness. Posting emotions on fb like that is a cry for attention. If he was lonely and scared, he should have talked about it with you directly but instead he wanted to throw himself a pity party. It’s also ok to be needy and scared in certain situations, but adults express their feelings instead of throwing tantrums. In other words, it’s ok to have the feelings, but you don’t get to hold guilt trips over people’s heads. It’s an adult’s job in a a relationship to voice emotions unless the other person can read minds.

      (2) You may not be 100% into him. Maybe because you haven’t been together for very long and aren’t sure if this is a real personality trait of his or a total fluke and maybe he’s actually terrified of hospitals but is too scared to tell you and so it is coming out this way. Your updates from what was said today make me think it wasn’t just a fluke, but I can’t say for sure.

      PS- a friend of mine went through something similar with a guy she dated who had appendicitis around their two-month mark. He pulled similar passive-aggressive behavior (sad guilt trips that felt controlling to her), making her realize she wasn’t super into him and ended up breaking up with him after he was fully recovered.
      You are not alone.

    • Anonymous :

      I seldom weigh in on these situations but I am here to tell you that you need to call this off. Now. No waiting until he is “fully recovered”. He had an infection in his hand, for heaven’s sake. Because he was too stubborn/immature/whatever to attend properly to his own health. The rest of it is manipulation writ large. Every further detail you add just makes the story worse.

      No need to make a drama out of it, or discuss it in any way, just tell him it’s been nice and you’re moving on. Block his number and END.IT.

      Then please come back and tell us that you’ve done so. Whoever recommended you do this then take yourself off out with somebody who can remind you how fabulous you are was totally right.

      OMG people like this drive me. You will be SO MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.

  9. Novel Writing :

    Has anyone participated in National Novel Writing Month? I have always wanted to write a novel and give this a try, and I am hoping this will give me the motivation to just do it. Any tips? Also, any quick reads on novel writing in general? (I write for a living but totally different from novel-type writing.). Wish me luck!!

    • Clementine :

      You know, I’ve always wanted to write one too and was considering this!

      I’ve had an idea for a novel brewing for a while, loosely based on my (somewhat bizarre and shocking) experience working in politics as an intern. I’ll write with you!

    • Calibrachoa :

      I have! First time in 2003, won several years in a row, then took a break but I am doing it again this year.

      it is tons of fun even if you don’t make your goal :)

    • I love Lisa Cron’s Wired for Story.

    • I have, off and on since 2004. I’ve won exactly twice. It’s definitely worth it and the deadline works really well because I need a goal and a timeline or things don’t get done. I’m going to try this year; i have no plot or plan or characters but hey–it’s only the 27th…

    • I would love to, but November is just about the worst possible month for me in terms of available “free” time. Check with your public library or social media to see if there are any NaNo writing groups near you–they may set up writers’ lockdowns or just offer camaraderie. My most successful NaNo friend plans big blocks of writing time in advance, but also does her best to grab 5-minute chunks wherever she can.

      My personal best tip as an occasional writer (of non-fiction, not novels) is to always leave a sentence/thought UNFINISHED when you end a work session. This gives you an automatic thread to pick up when you return to your desk instead of wasting time wondering how to move forward.

      • Anonymous :

        Such an interesting tip. I’m going to try to remember and employ this. It makes sense to me, but I would have never ever come up with it on my own. Helpful. Thanks.

  10. 1. Friends that I see frequently (in my case, these friends are women from church). We talk about our struggles with everything from children to aging parents to death of loved ones. I feel more like an adult when I’m talking about deeper issues rather than surface fluff like celebrities, exercise, diets, trends, etc.

    2. Home ownership. At times I hate it, at times I love it, but it’s all adult.

    3. Parenting my middle schooler. Parenting the younger years just felt like babysitting–now I have to bite my tongue, stay calm, and watch what I say because she’s watching. I have to model better behavior instead of reacting however I want.

    Also–I ate pizza and candy for dinner last night! Tis the season? We’re all adjusting to the cold and dark. :)

  11. Just a little schadenfreude for the day. My uber conservative aunt who has campaigned her whole life to disassemble social safety nets is now using several of them. Of course shes still insisting that shes a “special circumstance” and other people who use the programs “aren’t like” her. But still…it’s progress and I am happy. I am also happy that despite her best efforts repugnant politics she isn’t homeless.

    • Anonymous :

      I know. They just don’t get it. While I’m on it, how Flake and Corker voted yay on that class action bank thing. WTH with all of them.

  12. Lipo stories? :

    In my mid 30s and wondering whether lipo makes sense for my body and my ability to dedicate time to exercise. Every surgeon’s website is filled with great result photos and every episode of Botched scares me. Any real life feedback or experiences y’all can share?

    • My mother found this to be true:


      The cellulite from the backs of her legs relocated to the front.

      • Flats Only :

        Yup. I knew a lady who had had lipo 10 years before I met her, and she had regained the “lost weight” but in odd ways. She had a lot of belly fat removed, and eventually her back got really fat, so her shirts fit funny and her bra would dig in dramatically. She was very unhappy and self conscious about it.

      • Yes! Also my friend’s experience. She gained it back in weird places. Totally not worth it.

    • Any reputable surgeon will tell you to come back once you’ve reached a stable weight because they know this. Lipo is meant to reshape, not lose weight.

    • I had lipo >15 years ago to deal with an odd pouch of fat just under my belly button. It worked really well. I’m pretty thin and I was definitely not using it to lose weight but just to eliminate a weird fat deposit that I had first developed when I was a skinny little kid.

    • My sister had a boob job and lipo after having two kids in her mid 30s. She was very thin at the time, so the boob job was because she had no boobs left after the pregnancies/breastfeeding (I saw them, they were sad empty little sacs) and she had the lipo because the cosmetic surgeon basically threw it in for very little extra money. She didn’t have a lot of fat but she had small saddle bags on her thighs and a little tummy pooch that never went away even at her very thin weight.

      She is now a more average sized lady, and her weight gain looks evenly distributed. Maybe because she didn’t have a ton of lipo to begin with, but no weird indentations or anything. She did not gain a tummy pooch or saddlebags though. She gained elsewhere.

    • I think it depends on where/why you are having it. That is to say, if it’s a weird ‘pocket’ you’ve always had, I think if you get a good surgeon it comes out fine. If you’re overall trying to slim/lose size, the fat relocates weird places.

      I had lipo about 15 years ago. I had weird pockets on my inner thighs (they were these odd visible blobs that I could not get rid of, like saddlebags on the inside.) I had those removed. I also had all over tummy lipo because I’ve always gained weight in my tummy. I was a size 6 when I had the lipo and have stayed a pretty steady 6-8 since.

      The thighs are great, I’m glad I did that. I couldn’t get rid of those blobs no matter what I did. Nothing odd showed up anywhere else on my legs/hips.
      However, I’m not sure the tummy thing was worth it. I now gain weird weight in my back, and still gain in my tummy just differently. Like, I’m still an apple. It’s just distributed differently.

      So I would say if you’re steady with your weight and generally happy with it but have an odd ‘spot’, it is worth it for that. To slim a whole area because you don’t have time to exercise…no. That’s risking weird redistribution.

  13. I know some of us watch and I just wanted to post about it… it’s so strange to me that I have never missed a season of this show, yet I’m a die-hard feminist and can’t stand the expectations of what they consider “the DCC look.” Why is this show so darned addicting?!

    • new viewer :

      So I’m a new viewer, but I posted a few weeks ago about the wages they receive and the fraternization policy. I agree… my inner feminist just can’t. And the “yes, ma’am” nonsense at every.single.critique. UGH. That’s another thing that just annoys me, they infantalize these women so much. I think I have continued to watch this season for a few reasons: a gal I went to high school with was a DCC for several years, I’m also a performer (not their discipline, but adjacent) and I identify with the audition process/desire to get a part/rehearsal roller coaster, I’m from Dallas originally, so it’s just fascinating to see this part of my home city.

      I’m also a nerd who likes psychology, so I’m frequently questioning why it’s acceptable/encouraged for people to get SO EXCITED about football and trivia stats about players, but smart kids who know science facts are social outcasts? And why the women have to be media savvy, but the players don’t? And why can’t we freaking PAY them for the absurd expectations that they must smile at all times? And how beauty standards can be so rigidly applied… like, how did we get to this very narrow view of what is attractive? It’s just a fascinating glimpse into a whole bunch of social constructs and customs, wrapped up in a neat little episode!

    • Anonymous :

      I’m with you. Although I fell down the rabbit hole of reading about the Holly/Jenna drama and am so disappointed now. Holly was my favorite, and I’m really bummed to hear about special treatment for some of the girls by Kelly and Judi.

    • Flats Only :

      I think because it shows how hard it actually is to do something we probably consider silly and therefore think is probably easy. I felt the same way about America’s Next Top Model.

    • Anonymous :

      Now I’m a little curious…. does anyone know where to watch this? Is it a netflix/amazon thing?

      • DCC is on CMT. I have CMT on demand through Time Warner, and I think they may have full episodes on their website. Not sure if it is on Netflix or Amazon.

  14. I’m having a rough day. I’ve been in this spiral the last few months where I feel really lonely, which leads to a lot more social drinking than I usually do, which leads to a lot of guilt about the kind of dumb but really not all that terrible things I do while drunk, and then the whole cycle starts over again. And I haven’t had the motivation or energy in the last few months to cook so I’ve been subsisting mostly on mac & cheese and Costco burritos and I feel guilty about that, too. Ugh. I should find a therapist.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Hugs! I think a lot of us have been there.

      A gentle suggestion (in addition to therapy) is to make the things you want to do into rewarding accomplishments. I’m not too old for a star chart (though it’s just a dot on the calendar/in the journal for every time I exercise, or whatever), and it helps you see that the little things are adding up. You should give yourself a star when you take care of your body by feeding it food that makes you feel good! Are there harder/scarier social things you want to be doing, besides the social drinking? Or do you get a star for “got home before X o’clock” so that your mornings are easier? Or are there things you think you should be doing to deal with the loneliness? Put ’em on a chart and pat yourself on the back every time you do them!

      • Thanks, Rainbow Hair :) This is good advice and I really appreciate it.

      • givemyregards :

        +1 to this! It seems so hokey, but I recently started using a dot journal and although I haven’t gone down the rabbit hole with it, I do track daily things that I am trying to encourage more of, and some of them are super basic! for example, I feel so much better if I spend even 15 minutes outside (taking a walk, reading a book on the porch, whatever) so I put that in the journal and now I a) actually get outside more and b) get a little boost when I check it off.

        Having a list of things to do also makes me feel like I have more of a purpose during downtime, which staves off feelings of loneliness. Also, and this might out me as a total weirdo, but when I’m feeling kind of lonely I try to make more of an effort to engage in small talk. I’m normally super introverted, so my default is to give a polite nod to the lady at the grocery store who starts chatting with me, but if I can push myself to engage in these random acts of convo, I actually feel a lot better and less disconnected from the world.

    • Any chance you’re willing to share where you’re located? Perhaps some potential friends on here might be up for a hike or a cup of coffee to lift your spirits!

    • i’ve been there and you will get through this. i know it is easier said than done, and i have no willpower so i’m not one to talk – but the more you keep eating comfort food the more you will want it and the more lethargic you might feel. exercising or even going for a walk can do a lot to boost your mood, particularly if you go to an exercise class where you are at least around other people and it’s not something where you need to know someone else to enjoy it. hang in there!

  15. LLC name help :

    Does anyone know of a website or an affordable company that can help with this? My freelancing seems to be growing enough to make sense to LLC it but I have no clue what to call it! This is a much tougher thing to figure out than I’d realized!

    • Your name LLC?

    • Honestly, don’t stress about it too much. You can easily operate under a DBA name (registration for this is simple) if you end up liking something other than whatever you called your LLC.

      Tat being said, what are you hoping to get out of creating a legal entity? If the business is small enough that it doesn’t already have a name, it may not make sense to bother with it now.

    • Also the vast majority of states have simple forms and guides to forming and LLC on the Secretary of State website, so it’s usually not worth getting help unless you have a complicated situation (ie lots of capital or revenue + multiple partners, or a high risk company and lots of personal assets).

  16. Photo Help :

    I am getting professional photos taken for a dating service, and I need some help on what to wear. I’ve gained a bit of weight, so I need to go shopping. What should I get? They suggest what you would wear on a first date, and bright colors. I’ll get 2 or 3 outfits. I’m thinking gray/black jeans with a jewel toned top and 2 dresses.

    I am very busty, so I need more form fitting clothes, otherwise everything looks like a muumuu. Anyone want to do vicarious shopping for me and post links?

    • Too lazy for links. BUT, some of my fail safe outfits:
      1. peplum top, skinny jeans and heels.
      2. Black blazer, slightly sexy cami, skinny jeans
      3. black sheer silky turtleneck, black cami under, a line skater skirt, tall boots.

      You do not have to literally do these but these are my date outfits, that are classy, sexy and play with lengths and proportions all at the same time. Covered but still sexy.

      My 2 cents.

      I stick to black, slightly lighter, great fitting denim and play with neutral like camel or grey for skirts. Obviously this is for my skin tone but also because I am busty too and want to accentuate my curves without looking like a streetwalker.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      What’s your normal style? Like if you were meeting me for drinks, what would you wear? I think the ideal is something that is very ~you~ but better than usual. Like a lipstick that’s like “is she wearing lipstick, or are her lips just extra pretty today?” But with clothes.

      Where are the pics being taken?

      If I was doing this outside I’d probably wear a fit and flare dress that was a little kooky with a necklace and wedge heels.

      For sure one of my outfits would be jeans. I’d probably wear my skinny dark grey jeans, chunky shoes, some kind of top that doesn’t really matter (dark teal?), and my favorite leather jacket.

      Then maybe dark wash skinny jeans and a white top, to be very neutral.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Kooky dresses:



        LJ idea:


        Jeans and White:
        or… I can’t wear button down shirts but if you can and do?

  17. Adulting Rant :

    Capital One just sent me an email saying I have to redeem my outstanding ‘miles’ ($0.50 worth, literally) because they’re closing my account effective today due to inactivity. Account’s been open for 18 years – longest credit history I have, so positively impacts my credit score. I have another account open with Capital One that I use and has been open for +/- 8 years. I don’t use the one in question because it’s a different card type, worse rewards, etc. It was my back up, but evidently I haven’t needed the backup over the years since it apparently hasn’t been swiped in 24 mos.

    They gave me no notice/warning. Nothing that said you have to use it or we close it by X date (I’m sure it’s in the fine print somewhere in the annual disclosures, in type 6 font). I pay an annual fee, so they’re literally making money on it. Customer for 18 years and they just shut it off like that. Roar. I’m worried it’ll hurt my credit. Supervisor after supervisor on the phone was like yea, we agree, it’s total crap, but there’s nothing we can do, the account is closed. What crappy customer service (hasn’t been great over the years, to be honest…).

    THAT SAID, I always liked having two credit cards – one primary and one secondary as a backup. Is this what other people do? Rethinking all credit cards at the moment. Don’t need recommendations for specific cards – already know what brand/company I will be using, because I’m done with Capital One.

    • Yes, you should have two cards. Not one; definitely not zero. And you should use them both on occasion to avoid this in the future (though I agree with your frustration completely).

      • I should note that I have a few retail cards (Banana, JCrew, etc.) that I use exclusively at those stores. So I do have back ups in case I was ever truly in a bind, but I think I want to maintain two ‘mainstream’ branded/rewards cards. with higher credit limits.

      • Anonymous :

        Why? I’ve only had one for 17 years and I’ve never thought about a second one. What’s the reason? I use my card constantly so it’s not like I prefer debit.

        • s in chicago :

          Why you ask? Let my miserable day be a lesson. I had a low tire on the way into work. Annoying since I plan to take it into the shop next week for some maintenance anyway. But I didn’t want to drive with it low. Anywho–air pump at the gas station would only take quarters or a credit card. I scrounged my car. No quarters. Used the credit card for that dollar purchase. And must have been flustered and not put the card back in my wallet properly. Because it’s nowhere to be found. I really don’t want to debit my car repair bills. Not even sure if I can. Not even sure if they will take a check. I always just use my one card for everything. So now I’m putting off taking the car in and just reordered a card. Hoping that replacement gets here ASAP. Timing couldn’t be worse because Chase said 5-7 business days for mailing–and I’m past close of business on Friday. And now kicking myself for why I don’t have a second one.. Don’t be me!

        • Suppose one gets lost or compromised online, and you have to close it and then you don’t have a card for 5-7 days. It happened to me. I’ve got a backup card now with one small recurring charge on it that keeps it alive. It lives in a drawer.

    • You could set all your autopay bills to go to the backup card, so you don’t have to change them in the event it gets stolen. That would keep it from getting closed for inactivity.

      • Sorry I meant in the event the card you use for everything else gets stolen. Because theoretically one you only use for those things would be less likely to be stolen, whereas there are more opportunities to steal the everything-else card.

      • What a great idea!

    • I think it is a really good idea to have at least two cards. I have three. Two have high limits and good rewards, and I use whichever one has better benefits for what I’m spending on. My third is one I’ve had for 20 years, and keep open for my credit history. I have one regular monthly charge go to each (car insurance, cell phone, Netflix) so that is there is always monthly activity on all of them, and then pay them all off at the end of the month.

      • Agree. We use our Cap One for most things because it’s 1.5% cash back, but other cards offer higher points fur certain categories and we use them then — e.g. Bank of America on groceries and gas, Chase on the rotating quarterly 5% cash back categories like drug stores, etc

    • Credit card companies can be the worst. Discover screwed me when they froze my card on the first day of my honeymoon and placed a fraud alert on it despite my having called them with my travel dates explicitly so this would not happen. I was so glad to have a back-up card in that situation. Discover was my longest open credit card and they did nothing to try to make it right when I called to complain. So now, for the past 5 years, its sole use is auto-paying my Netflix account monthly. All other purchases on my two main credit cards; $9.99 for Discover.

  18. Calibrachoa :

    Ladies, what should one wear to a ballet at a local suburban arts centre on a Saturday evening?

    • Anonymous :

      It’s finally fall here – Nice jeans, a sweater with a scarf or throw, and boots or booties.

    • Anonymous :

      Depending on weather, sweater dress & tights w/ suede flats or booties OR wrap dress and cute shoes.

  19. Anon for obvious reasons :

    Well, posted this and I must have mis-clicked because it ended up in another thread.

    I need a reality check. I’ve been dating a guy I’m very fond of for about 8 months now. He’s divorced with three kids. We have a lot in common, have lots of fun when we’re together, etc. The first couple months were wonderful, but then little (possibly big) things started to bother me. Every time any of these things would come up, his explanations were always perfect and he was apologetic about the situation, assured me he adored me and was working on it, but then nothing would change.

    For example, I still haven’t seen his house and don’t even know where it is (other than the town). He claims he’s renovating and he wants it to be perfect before I see it. I know what he does for a living, but don’t know where he works. I’ve never actually gotten an answer on that. I haven’t met his kids, or even his dogs. He doesn’t stay over, because of the dogs, and I’m obviously not being invited over to his place. He is supposed to have his kids 3 weekends a month, but he has supposedly had them every weekend since we’ve been dating for various reasons (allowing his ex time to do her homework or move, various family events, etc); so we’ve never had any time together on a weekend. Because of the weekend/dog situation, we can only see each other a couple hours in the evening Monday to Thursday. But one of his kids is big into swimming, so he takes him to practice about three of those nights and often has work on the fourth, so we might go weeks without seeing each other (six weeks once). We text all the time during the week, but on the weekends he basically forgets I exist. He won’t call to talk, even though I’ve asked specifically, and he won’t answer when I call. He also won’t make any plans or go on any dates (we basically get dinner and hang out at my place). He says he can’t commit to anything because his kids’ schedules change so much. At one point, we planned to take a weekend trip together, picked the destination, picked the weekend, made a list of what we were going to do, and then when it was time to make the hotel reservation, he decided he was too busy with his kids and home renovations to get away.

    I have a mutual friend with his ex wife, and I’m pretty sure he’s not seeing someone else. I’ve dated people with kids before, but not three. At this point, I can’t even tell if kids are an excuse or the actual reason he’s busy all the time. I just know that I’m getting tired of feeling like a last minute option, or being made to feel like I’m too demanding when I want things like spending more than a couple hours a month together. Then, the last few weeks, whenever I try to talk about how I’d like to spend more time together, or suggest something we could do together, I have to hear about how he’s depressed and anxious and overwhelmed and it’s stressing him out that I want to do things – I should just go along with what he can fit in.

    It’s making my crazy, and I need some impartial opinions at this point.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      DTMFA unless you want this long term and it doesn’t seem like you do.

    • “He says he can’t commit to anything because his kids’ schedules change so much.”

      He has already told you he has no plans to commit to you. Believe him.

    • Anonymous :

      Umm, are you sure he’s not married/living with/dating someone else? Because it sounds a lot like he is. Also, real property records are usually online so figuring out where the house is shouldn’t be too hard unless he owns it through a company.
      Or, he’s just that private and shifty. And it’s not working for you. Cut him loose.

    • This post calls for a Senior Attorney response. I simply don’t have the words. I will just say that please know your life does not have to be like this.

    • Don’t spend another minute on this relationship. A million painfully obvious things point to him either still being married or with someone else. He is making no real effort to make you part of his life. You haven’t met his kids? Fine. How long are you waiting as you move to that? What are his friends like? Oh, you haven’t met them. Will you ever move in with him? Oh, that’s right, you haven’t even walked through the front door. “Under renovation” works if you’re still in the getting-to-know-you phase. You’re 8 months in. You don’t even know if you and his dog hit it off!

      I say this as kindly but firmly as I can: Go find someone else who will be equally into you. You’re wasting enormously valuable time.

  20. please help me write a quick message which I am totally overthinking. I just moved here and was put in touch with a colleague in a different dept by mutual friends. When I started working, we met up, she was welcoming, gave me tips about the area and said we should go out some time but she didn’t have time that week. Two weeks later, and I am free this weekend, plus a little starved for social interaction as husband has been out of town and will be for another week.
    I just want to write to colleague “if you have fun plans this weekend, I’d be interested” but it feels needy and pushy. ugh, I get why they say making adult friends is hard.

    • Invite her to do something. Don’t ask her what she’s doing/ask to tag along on her already made plans.

      • Patricia Gardiner :

        +100. I always try to be friendly and welcoming to new people I meet but it gets exhausting to always be the planner. And please don’t ask to tag along on preexisting plans! Just see if she’s free and suggest something to do together.

    • givemyregards :

      You are overthinking it, but you know that! I would just say something like “Hi! I had a great time at lunch (or whatever) a few weeks ago – I know this is last minute but I’ve found myself with some free time this weekend and if you’re around I’d love to get coffee/grab a drink/(whatever makes most sense for your context). And if not this weekend, let’s get together sometime soon!” I’m clearly an exclamation point user, so if that’s not your thing, adjust as needed! <- ha

    • Don’t invite yourself along to whatever she’s doing.

      Ask her if she would like to “grab a bite to eat” this weekend. If she responds, ask if she has any favorite brunch spots or places to grab a drink for happy hour. Those are low-risk, fun situations for “friend dating.”

      Good luck and go for it!

  21. Anonymous :

    Help. I just got back from lunch with my best friend and she is undergoing testing for multiple myeloma. She had one “suspect” blood test and goes in for another blood test tomorrow. If that’s also “suspect” she has to get a bone marrow biopsy but apparently the diagnosis is more or less conclusive off the second blood test, if the same indicators show up. If she is sick, I literally do not know what I am going to do. I am so spun out right now. I love her like a sister. I can’t believe this is happening.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Take it one step at a time.

      A few things: Be there for her- find someone to support you. The circles of grief are real. Even though you’re scared, please do not ask her to hold that fear.

      You may consider reading Option B and possibly also Brave Enough or Tiny Beautiful Things.

      I won’t say it’s going to be okay. It may not be. But you have the strength to get through this. Sending my love.

    • I’m so sorry to hear this. I have a relative with myeloma, and it is a tough disease. I don’t want to sugarcoat it for you. Tom Brokaw was diagnosed with MM and wrote a book about it – that may be a place for you to start if you want to learn more. He’s responded fairly well to treatment, as well.

      Thinking of you and your friend. I hope she gets good news.

    • I agree with Sloan. Just be there for her. And follow her lead, if she wants to talk about the future, then do that and talk about whatever she wants to get her mind off things. I would get her a monogrammed blanked and a book about strength or encouragement. Personally, I am religious so I love a book called “Jesus Today” its a devotional book specifically for people in trying times. When I went through surgery last year it was so important and hepful I took it with me into the hospital when they were hooking me up. So books are helpful or a bracelet or something that has meaning that she can have with her.

      • blanket*

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        I think that’s definitely a know-your-audience-when-they’re-going-through-he11 thing. It makes me cringe like no other when someone gives me something that’s inspirational, even though usually I may be very touched by the gesture. Your reactions to things change when you’re in a stress zone. It’s very nice and I appreciate the thought, but my method of coping is to do what I have to do (treatment decisions, medications, procedures) until I can put it aside and then do something completely different. This doesn’t apply to physical comfort items- blankets and socks and hats and gloves and slippers and hot cocoa mix and Starbucks cards are always a good bet. But I greatly prefer something I can do that’s distracting. Some of the best gifts I’ve gotten were a Sephora gift card, a Gap gift card, and a stack of chick lit books and magazines. I also think subscriptions to things like Hulu or Texture would go over well. Something where I have something to look forward to (shopping, books, a magazine, binge watching), not something that reminds me of my situation. Again, though- I think it really depends and just wanted to add a perspective of someone else. It’s not a bad idea so long as your friend is someone who will appreciate it.

  22. Ok, so I’m going to an after work event to celebrate a friend. Some toxic former co-workers of mine will also be there. It’s about my friend and I rationally want to go and support them because it’s not about me, etc. HOWEVER, what should I wear and how do I interact with them without going all bitchy or passive aggressive? Needs to be biz casual, since I’m going straight from work to a bar.

    I am thinking I should just pretend that they never did anything wrong and just be as positive as I can be. It’s soooo hard. I am in a really great place otherwise. Maybe this will be cathartic and I can start to let some things go? You know how you just build things up in your mind?

    • Flats Only :

      You may find that their toxicity has decreased as they are now former co-workers. I have one like that, who I would not be pleased to see at happy hour, but who I can now pretty much just ignore in a group setting as I no longer need to care what she thinks of me.

      If it was me I would wear whatever outfit currently makes me feel really put together and confident and great looking.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I wear my most bad-a$$ clothes to this kind of thing (usually involving my one leather jacket or my camo jacket or a bomber jacket) and put on confidence inspiring lip stain before I leave work (not red. I don’t want to be noticed more by them. I just want to feel awesome. It’s a dark pink.) And then I pretend they don’t exist while thinking how hot I look. Results vary depending on the particular situation.

      • I do this too LOL and sexy lingerie under because it makes me feel even more bossy.

        • Sloan Sabbith :

          Yup. My cutest underwear and bra and maybe also heels. I am leaving no condidence booster out.

          When I could justify it (not often in biz casual office), I used to wear my Ki11 a man dress/secret agent dress, which was a black Target wrap dress that fell open to mid to high-thigh when I sat down (which is why I no longer wear it) and it made me feel like I could have a holster on my thigh like a Bond girl. Same general idea as f me heels.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Woah, that is like, exactly what I do. Except eyeliner is part of it too.

        • Sloan Sabbith :

          I swipe on some eyeshadow, which I rarely wear. And I may practice my RBF more than I usually do. Or my death stare when necessary.

  23. Dude, I wish there was a list of words to avoid moderation. So tired of writing posts that never show up.

    • Anonymous :

      Or show up 5 hrs later when no one is reading that thread anymore. Can’t the mod work a touch faster?

    • Anonymous :

      Certain IP addresses go straight to moderation regardless of what they say. All my comments from a certain computer go straight to mod.

  24. Clueless Celebrant :

    DH wants to spoil me this weekend and celebrate some pretty big accomplishments. I can have whatever I want (not a car LOL), but within reason. I have been so busy working and stuff that I do not even know what I would want or pick. I am a girly girl not too into tech products, household appliances or fitness more than the average person – so nothing related to those. More so girly girl recs. What is on your wish list? Because I need ideas!

    Also, I will be able to pick activites – nothing like spa or facials – because I can do those on my own. Nor trips, because we have that planned.

    Basically I need ideas for things to pick out when shopping! Or something on your wish list to help get me thinking about things. And also ideas of activities that I can do with DH this weekend that are celebration oriented and fun. HELP lol.

    • Anonymous :

      Um, step one for me would be a celebration dinner at a fun and/or romantic new restaurant I’d been wanting to try.

      • Clueless Celebrant :

        Great idea, I have a lunch idea, now gotta think of a dinner place. I am a super picky eater lol

    • Anonymous :

      Can you go shopping with him? Like walk around a cute part of town with stores you like, going in and out, grabbing coffee etc. and in that you’ll see something you want that’ll be your gift? Seems like a nice afternoon activity that you can cap off with dinner someplace you want to eat?

    • This sounds like a great occasion to get some kind of jewelry.

      • Clueless Celebrant :

        So I considered earrings, like very small diamonds but I lose the faux ones I have now so much I am scared to get real ones.

        • Anonymous :

          I have found my black diamonds incredibly versatile and subtly chic. And they are relatively much less expensive, so I don’t worry that I might lose them.

        • Would diamonds with screw backs help with that? Also, I find that I’m much more careful with my “good jewelry” and will always be more cautious about putting them back in my jewelry box after wearing rather than throwing on my night stand, etc.

    • Anonymous :

      A bag!

      • Clueless Celebrant :

        I am thinking of a bag too, looking at some now but I am hating all the ones that are popular now. Those gucci ones everyone has. I have no idea which kind of bag to pick. Any links?

    • Anonymous :

      Boots! All the boots!

    • If it were me: handbags, jewelry, and shoes :)

      As for activities, the most indulgent day for me would be: breakfast when I wake up, massage while he tidies the house, then he takes me to a long and leisurely lunch. Then we could go shop and then get our nails done (we go together sometimes) before heading to dinner. Maybe sub something for a blowout. Maybe we pick up cake and champagne, it makes all things celebratory to me.

      All that being said, the best of all would be hearing kind words and that he’s proud of me (ok, and massages – I like to be touched!) We write each other cards a lot and they are so meaningful to us both.

      Congratulations on your accomplishments!

      • Clueless Celebrant :

        Haha you are my kinda girl! I am the same way! I am seriously so obsessed with DH so I second the massages. Definitely the cooking too – he cooked for me last night and it made me so happy. I have an idea for lunch at this place I love that has seafood. Im thinking of going dancing bc we seriously havent gone dancing since we were dating – crazy I know. I love the cake and champagne idea. About to order a cheesecake now. I love words of affirmation too. He is super high achieving and I have gotten pretty close to his level career wise and him being proud meant everything to me. Thank you so much! :)

        • A few things:

          (1) if you lose your earrings because they fall out, a lot of the real stuff has sturdier backings. If you are losing them because you misplace them when you take them out, just keep them with your wedding rings. But my guess is they fall out like when changing your sweater or something. My real jewelry has much sturdier backings.

          (2) I love jewelry and so many of them are markers of birthdays or from beloved family members. What about a stacking ring with colored stones to mix with your wedding bands? Or a the elsa peretti diamonds by the yard necklace? Or a second watch? Or a totally awesome right hand ring. Or a bracelet?

          (3) I like accessories because you can wear them repeatedly for years. Here are some fun ones: an Hermes scarf. Fabulous sunglasses. A classic Chanel bag orrr I have about 7 of the embroidered Gucci bags on my drool list – they are out of this world amazing. A gorgeous coat that is decidedly not boring. A classic Louboutin or the Weitzman OTK boots orrrr the Chloe studded Susanna bootie or the Jimmy Choo combat boots. I don’t know what your style is but this should cover the gamut :)

          • Clueless Celebrant :


            Literally everything you mentioned are things I drool over! I got the Classic Chanel in Lambkin for myself a while back as a present when I finished grad school. I felt like a total bada** , the gucci bags are okay but I hate the marmount style they have going around because everyone and their mother has them lol but I do love Gucci. To me they are a classic. Kind of basic but I love their monogram too. I got a burberry coat last christmas and it is so freaking pretty I haven’t even taken the tags off. The Weitzman OTK boots, I don’t know how I didn’t think of those, they are soo hot I have always wanted the thigh high ones. Yep I usually get my earrings caught in my clothes at the gym or in my hair – but good point, hopefully with a tight backing I can revisit the earring idea. Seriously I thought about a right hand ring too, right now I wear a gemstone but its gold and doesnt match my bands so I have been wanting to change it. I swear you are reading my mind!

        • I don’t know how spendy you are feeling, but my current lust objects all can be found on the Spinelli Kilcollin website. Seriously considering a purchase as a present to myself for an upcoming milestone birthday.

    • All of the jewelries.

      • Clueless Celebrant :

        What do you have your eye on? cant think of anything right now? So far all I wear are my wedding bands and my watch. I have a nice pendant but maybe a ring?

  25. I am so tired from working so much. I plan to rest up and binge some mindless relaxation tv. Also, does anyone else watch tv and not feel bad about it because it helps you relax? Please give me recs for good movies to watch on netflix or I can find it somewhere to watch. What are some of your favorites? Mostly rom com, victorian era, dramas or love/romance movies? Or riveting series?

    • Anonymous :

      I consider TV my hobby. It’s pointless to feel guilt over something you enjoy.

    • Anonymous :

      Have you watched Outlander? 1st season is good, 2nd meh, 3rd is underway and good so far.

      • Nope I never have, I am gonna watch that with prime tonight since I have heard so much about it. I do not like too much nudity… don’t shoot me but is there alot of s*x scenes?

        • Anonymous :

          Episodes 4 and 6 yes but not the others. They have a lot of female directors though so the scenes are actually watchable

        • Yes.

          And some really graphic stuff later.

          Honestly, I don’t think it is that great of a series.

    • Young Victoria (movie) or Victoria (PBS series)? Jane Austen movies? I quite like the series Call the Midwife but not sure if that would be your thing (historical and a bit of romance (limited (no?) sex though) but mostly just interesting to me). Have you watched the Crown?

  26. Body image & pregnancy :

    Suggestions on how to respond to a co-worker’s body image issues? She has longstanding issues but is now pregnant and despite only having the tiniest bump is already making comments – “I feel like a whale already” “I don’t even want my husband to see it” “I don’t want maternity pics because why would I want a bunch of pictures of me when I’m fat”. I don’t know how to respond. She has an objectively attractive body (not that it should make a difference in how I reply). So far I’ve just said “everyone thinks your bump is adorable, especially your husband”. She is at least somewhat self-aware of her body-image issues. I’ve never been pregnant so it’s really hard for me to relate.

    • Anonymous :

      I think this is more common than many people realize. I’ve always had a pretty great relationship with my body. I eat what I want (seriously – I’ve never dieted in my life), don’t own a scale and although I don’t look like a supermodel, I think I look good. But pregnancy has been really tough on my body image. Your body changes so much so fast and I’ve found myself thinking of myself as fat for the first time in my life, even though I know I’m at a healthy weight and I will lose the weight after baby. I would just keep telling her “you look great, weight gain is necessary and normal” and/or tuning out her comments if it becomes too much.

    • Anonymous :

      Currently pregnant, currently living this. It’s really hard when you finally get “used” to your body, and then realize that it’s been a month and now your waist has grown another 3″. In both of my pregnancies, it has not been easy to accept that I have to gain weight, I have to look this way in order to get a baby.

      If you want to support your co-worker, you could empathize. “Your body is changing a lot and that must be frustrating.” Or “sounds like you’re having a hard time with this”, etc, etc. You can validate her feelings without saying that she’s right.

      But agree with the other anon; you’re welcome to ignore her comments if they become overwhelming for you.

    • Anonymous :

      Yeah, there are always so many people during pregnancy commenting on how either you look like you’re ready to pop or (so I’ve heard) that you haven’t gained enough weight. I secretly love it when my (female) coworker calls me a hot pregnant lady or people say I have a cute bump, because I feel like a bit of a whale.

      • Or both at the same time. Within two days of each other, someone said “Are you sure your’e not having twins!?!” and someone else told me my bump looked too small for 7 months and was I sure the baby was growing ok. People are awful.

    • I have struggled with body image in all 3 of my pregnancies. I had lost a significant amount of weight (150+ lbs) prior to getting pregnant, and it was very terrifying to be gaining weight back. I felt “fat” all the time, rather than “pregnant”. I complained a lot, and nothing anyone said changed my mind. Pregnancy=fat. Interestingly, my body image improved with my subsequent pregnancies. A mix of loss, difficulty getting pregnant again, and amazement of what my body was doing during labor/delivery helped me put things in a more positive perspective. I’m currently 8 months pregnant, though…and yeah, feel fat.

      You’ve described this person as a co-worker, not as a close friend, so I would say err on the side of validating/acknowledging her feelings and then letting it go (not encouraging or responding to her negative comments afterward). Actually, a mashup of what you said in your post is perfect, I think: “I’ve never been pregnant, so honestly, it’s really hard for me to relate, but I think you are beautiful.”

      This is a complex personal issue, and one you’re unlikely to help her navigate through in a meaningful way at work. Also, I would not want to be the sounding board for someone’s body insecurities at work. A friend, yes… but a co-worker? ehh.

  27. Anonymous :

    Can we have confession time?

    I have a crush on someone I shouldn’t. I am happily married! I love my husband so much and am attracted to my husband. But I daydream about this other guy all the time. I think if I acted on it, I could have the other guy. But I won’t ever act on it. I feel terrible though for even fantasizing.

    • Three Confessions :

      1. I am eating at chick fil a right now because it was the closest thing to my hotel. I feel like a very bad and hypocritical person and also I kind of think I should donate $7.80 to the ACLU or something to make up for it. And it’s not even that good.
      2. I have a very large crush on a guy who is quickly becoming a close friend. Problem: he is very taken. Not married but he and his GF seem super happy and she’s very very nice. I feel terrible hoping they break up when she moves for her job to a different country in July because he’ll be upset but he’s also so great and we click so well and would be a total power couple. Waaaaah.
      3. I once had a s*x dream about my (objectively attractive) supervisor at the time and when I turned violently red when I saw him I told him I had just thought about an embarrassing moment from my way to work and then had to come up with an adequate “story” on the spot and remember it because it became a thing. It’s FINALLY gone away but it took two years to not be a joke anymore.

    • Anonymous :

      Last night I had a dream that ended this way: while sitting around a crowded table at work, I got word that my mother had died. I remained stoic and kept going through the dream. Then I was told that my dog had also died and I broke down in the dream and in real life sat straight up and awoke in a panic to realize I had overslept.

  28. Incompatibility or Communication :

    I feel stupid asking this . . . in a relationship, how do you know the difference between communication issues and true incompatibility?

    Is not being able to get to a resolution for one person a communication issue or a compatibility issue? What about feeling like you aren’t being heard regardless of how my ways you explain it?

    I know relationships take work, but how much work is reasonable?

    I feel emotionally exhausted, but I trying to figure out if I need to work on communicating and listening better or or if we are truly just not compatible and no work will fix it.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Oh boy… that doesn’t sound great. :-/ Can you give a little more detail?

      If someone isn’t willing to engage with an issue until the point you’re both comfortable (which is what I’m hearing with “not being able to get resolution for one person”) that’s not great. I’m honestly not sure if that’s a “communication issue” or “incompatibility,” but it does sound like someone who is showing he’s not willing to put in the work on hard stuff.

      • Perhaps I am not satisfied with the ending because it gets so tiring to have to keep defending my feelings that I just give up trying?

        We had a bit thing about him telling me I shouldn’t feel a certain way. It took us two more large fights for me to even get to a place where I thought ge agreed I could feel however I wanted, but I don’t think we are on the same page. The other night it was about his use of the word whore to describe someone. I said that for me it was never acceptable to use. He told me I didn’t understand the context and that he wasn’t calling her that, he was just saying what everyone else thinks.

        We came from very different backgrounds. He grew up poor, with an alcoholic dad and eventually just with his mom and younger sister. His dad was sexually abusive to his mom, forcing himself on her. But his mom also told his sister that she was dressed like a whore when she wanted her to change out of skimpy clothes. He feels that the systems and people throughout his life have let him down and not he doesn’t rely on anyone. He’s a you don’t like it, then fuck you kind of person. He has unique skills where we live and does very well for himself.

        This sounds so bad when I type it out. I am starting to feel like I am the crazy one which I know is a bad sign. F$&K

        Damn it. This sucks. I still think I have things to work on but I am not sure this is the right place for me to work on them

        • Anonymous :

          His traumas are real but you have the right to be respected in your relationship and that includes not having someone disrespect your feelings just because he doesn’t agree with them and not using sexist language.

          Try reading some stuff on relationships by John Gottman. He’s done a lot of research on how couples fight being more important than what they are disagreeing about.

        • I would recommend reading Codependent No More if the description at all resonates. Just a guess.

    • Anonymous :

      In retrospect I see that at the height of the most intense problems in my marriage several years ago I feared incompatibility and felt hopeless at times. It can feel hopeless and not be hopeless. Likewise, it may be hard or impossible to resolve (incompatibility) but you may just not know for sure yet which is okay too. But it can be very painful… I would recommend therapy for you both, try to take it one step at a time and know too that many if not most relationships have ongoing areas of difference and sometimes incompatible areas. With time, those things may improve if you work to understand them or you may learn to accept it. It also may not go that way, but know you will get through it. It was a process for us. Much therapy, maturity on both our parts and honestly…some mellowing with time.
      Im now very happy with my husband, who I swear I hated sometimes and I feared he would not change. You will be ok, either way, get help for you both.

      • I posted above before I saw your recent comment…it sounds like he has serious issues and you are right to question if it is worth it. I’m sorry you’re going through this

      • Thank you. I am in therapy because I want to make sure I have an objective third party to helpe me look at things from all perspectives and to help me word things in a productive and constructive way.

        Admittedly, I have not had much success at relationships in the past so I default to thinking it’s me not knowing how to deal with a situation or whatever. I hate fighting. I retreat when I feel hurt and then have a really hard time being open and vulnerable again. These are things I am working on and have been working on. My therapist says I make myself into an island. It’s true. I prefer to be alone and not expose myself to the potential of being hurt when left to my own devices. I have often thought I will be one of those women who has a fab single life forever. I am pretty sure i am okay with that, but I also don’t want to give up if it’s something I can work through and learn from. Or maybe I am telling myself that to stop myself from running away from conflict?

        He has a really hard time accepting something if he doesn’t understand it. In this specific instance, my feelings in response to something he has said. He gets stuck on what his intent was. And that if his intent was good then I shouldn’t be upset or feel XYZ. One of the problems is that with his very matter of fact and no nonsense tone, I cannot always figure out what his intent is or where itMa coming from.

        He uses to jokingly call me crazy. I asked him to stop. It came up again later and he said that his usage of crazy means intense, driven, doing extreme things (my hobbies). To me that is not the general usage of the word and it’s often used negatively to describe women. Should I have automatically assumed he wasn’t being negative? Should he have told me when I first brought it up what he really meant? Maybe both?

        This is hard. How do I know whether it’s worth it?

        • You are allowed to not like being called crazy, and you are allowed to set reasonable boundaries. He may not think it is a big deal to call you certain things but you have every right to tell him to stop. If you teased him about something he was sensitive about, even if you did it with joking intent, he would have every right to set the boundary that he doesn’t want to joke about certain things.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Anon at 12:12 is right, of course. You are allowed to not like things he says.

          But. I also feel strongly that we should assume good intentions and remember that people are not improvement projects. And if you are constantly getting your feelings hurt, then maybe that’s a basic compatibility issue and he is not the guy for you.

    • Thank you all for weighing in on my late post. I really appreciate it.

  29. Sloan Sabbith :

    Pants reccommendation: Rekkuci barely boot ponte pants. About $35 on Amazon and they’re so comfortable and look fantastic but feel like yoga pants. I got the dark charcoal in short; they fit perfectly and I’m 5’3”. I feel like a boss in them.

    • Can I ask what shape you are?

      Straight/curve-y/pear etc…?

      thanks for the rec.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Pear, I suppose? I always have a hard time figuring it out because I have a bit of a stomach from my chronic illness that throws it off. But pear/straight.

  30. He sounds incredibly defensive. His traumas are legitimate, no doubt. But you are wise to reflect on staying involved with someone so angry and hostile.

  31. Charges have been filed! I may have just danced around my living room.

  32. I need advice on surviving with very young kids. I have a 2 year old and a 2.5 month old. Still on maternity leave (back to work next month). Our lives are utterly crazy right now, and I know everything with little kids is just a phase and we just have to get through it. But my husband and I could really really use even just a short break, like an evening out together. The advice here is always to throw money at the problem, and we’re willing to do that, but it doesn’t seem feasible. I can’t imagine asking a babysitter to watch our very-high-energy-and-sleep-challenged toddler AND the constantly-nursing-and-only-sleeps-when-held baby for any length of time. My husband and I can barely handle it. No local family.

    So what do we do? There was a thread recently where people expressed surprise that parents of young kids don’t get out more often. Believe me, we desperately WANT to get out. But I have no idea how to do it. I’m open to all suggestions!

    • Why not get a babysitter? Your children are exactly the ages of the first family I worked for. We know what we’re doing. In fact, I usually had much more experience with children than the mothers I worked for. Get recommendations from you friends.

      • +1 Pay a premium and hire an experienced nanny who wants extra date night w0rk (there are a ton in my community). A professional who has been nannying for 10+ years shouldn’t be phased by this.

      • Same here, except that there was a 5 year old in the mix too.

        A babysitter can definitely handle this.

    • You and Husband are exhausted from parenting the kids full-time, a babysitter needs to watch them for only a few hours while you go to dinner. It is way easier to handle in short bursts! Just ask around for recommendations and maybe warn the sitter that the kids can be challenging. Worst case scenario, you have to pay a little extra to sweeten the deal. I wouldn’t worry.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Yes, this. The babysitter can hold a baby for hours while the baby cries, whispering to herself, “the parents will be home at midnight and I can sleep in my silent house!” It doesn’t hurt as bad when there’s an end in sight.

        And, similarly, for you, having a date night on the calendar, you’ll be able to think, “ok yes, I’ve been holding baby for 20 of the last 24 hours, but damn it tomorrow night/this weekend I’m wearing a cute dress and talking to only adults! I can get through this day/week!”

    • Depends on the babysitter. Like, if your older kid is in daycare, one of his/her teachers could probably handle them both. If you aren’t comfortable with one, and are able to afford it, why not hire a babysitter + his/her friend?

      • And children often act very differently with babysitters from the way they do with parents, because they don’t have the same buttons kids learn to push. Even a toddler knows how to manage Mom. They’re not malignant, just learning boundaries.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I know this is a bizarre offer but I have tonight and tomorrow off bwtween conferences and am in DC. I’ve worked with kids those ages simultaneously (I once sat for infant twins and a 3 year old and also worked at a crisis nursery where I was known as the baby charmer) and would be down to spend the evening with them. If you’re interested email me at my user name plus e t t e at the mail of g00gle. Not a long term solution but lets you get a break.

      • You are so sweet! I hope OP takes you up on your offer. It sounds like she really needs a break.

      • Thanks so much for the offer! I didn’t see this yesterday and this weekend probably isn’t the best time anyway because on top of the normal insanity that is our daily lives we’re also dealing with minor illnesses for 3 if the 4 is us (so far the baby is the only one spared!). But I appreciate the offer!

    • Is a later evening out possible? Put the toddler to bed and the babysitter just needs to focus on snuggling the baby for a few hours?

      Otherwise, hire two sitters. I have a pair of sisters I hire which works perfectly for my toddler and baby.

      • This is a good idea, or in a pinch leave the toddler and take the baby (at least you’d get a halfway break?) I have a high energy 2 yr old and a newborn and no way would I feel comfortable leaving them with a random person who doesn’t know the kids and wouldn’t be able to anticipate what the crazy toddler will do next. Maybe that’s a me issue, but if I can’t relax on th date then what’s the point? Also, commiseration! IIRC from my first, 3-4 months is a big turning point for babies, so it may get “easier” soon.

  33. Super anonymous :

    (Very) long story short, I’m a junior associate and I gave notice yesterday at my biglaw job. I’m going to another firm, but one that’s better rated for my practice area, has female partners in my practice area, and pays better. The partner I’ve been working with at Old Firm went ballistic. I knew he would take it poorly, but he accused me of shirking my professional responsibility, told me he would change to make me stay, said that he “pampered” me by letting me take cabs when I work late per OF policy, told me that I was closer to him than my husband (!!!!!), and after two hours in his office, called me at my desk to tell me that New Firm is bad for women. He has also texted and called my work cell phone multiple times. I stopped responding, but I really don’t want to go back on Monday. I’m scared that he’s going to tell all the other partners in my group, and that no one will be willing to act as a reference for New Firm. If anyone has any advice, or similar experience, I’d certainly appreciate it.

    • Do you already have the job at new firm? Is there anybody at old firm you can trust to be a rational reference?

    • He will settle down. You got through the worst of it, and by Monday when he has had some time to calm down, it’ll be fine. I worked for a nutty Biglaw partner who reacted in a similar way when I gave notice, but it blew over. You made the right decision to leave, clearly!

    • Anonymous :

      I’m confused. Why do you need references if you already have the job? And if you don’t, why do you need a reference? Do you really need a reference, or just someone to confirm you worked there, the dates, and maybe your salary? HR should do that.
      Regardless, this is actually a quite common, albeit unacceptable and absurd, reaction in law firms. When someone leaves, the lawyers left behind are faced with lots of questions about (1) their own decision to stay and (2) their own behavior and perhaps the lack of status of the firm that made you decide to leave. And a lot of lawyers are, let’s just say, not great with addressing “feelings” and ego bruises. Sounds like this person is dealing with all of that. Best to just move on as professionally as you can. You can’t control his reaction, only your response to it. Also, it is unlikely that every partner will watch his reaction and jump on board. His poor example is likely to be enough for a more rational person to respond exactly the opposite.
      Also, save your text messages so if he really does try to trash you, you can demonstrate to New Firm that this is a negative reaction to your leaving, not an accurate reflection of how they feel about you as a current member of the team.

  34. My husband has been in 4 “accidents” over the past two months. The first involved side-swiping the front of my car into the garage (driver’s side). The second involved him swiping a different garage – this time passenger side mirror. He hit a curb and blew two tires. Then, this morning, I watched him try to open the hatch of my car with the garage door still closed (and obviously it hit, and scratched the door).

    I sent him to the eye doctor to get his vision and depth perception checked. No fondings. I sent him to his PCP thinking maybe he is more anxious/distracted and wanted him to see if there was some underlying medical cause. Nothing.

    He isn’t texting and he doesn’t appear distracted when this stuff happens. Obviously he’s not paying attention. I’m not sure what else to do. It’s kind of alarming… these issues have been relatively minor, but I’m worried about it.

    Has it happened to anyone else here?

    • Btw, one detail I left out – he’s busting up his car and mine, so it’s not like he’s singling out my vehicle. 50/50.

    • I’d be super duper concerned, that’s not normal at all. I’ve only had experience with cataracts and drivers (easy fix, go get surgery) and dementia and drivers (not so easy fix, take their license). Right now it’s only money but if he’s this prone to accidents it’s totally possible he’d hit a kid in a target parking lot or something which is where it gets really scary.

    • Is he concerned about this? Is he trying to find a solution and pretty freaked out by it? It jumped out at me that you sent him instead of he went. Maybe it was just semantics, but is it possible that he is abusing substances and hiding it? Could you read online about the signs of substance abuse/alcohol abuse? I’d be concerned if he wasn’t worried himself about this change and actively trying to find a solution.

    • I’m worried that you have “send” him to the doctor. Isn’t he worried himself??

      • He asked me what he should do about it and what I thought, and eye dr/pcp were my first thoughts. That’s what I meant by the word “sent”. He didn’t need a big push to go- he’s concerned too. But now we’re out of ideas and it happened again…

    • Anonymous :

      Not to be an alarmist but maybe a neurologist?

    • Anonymous :

      Is he getting enough sleep?

      • That was my first thought, too. A neurologist can do tests to help identify if there’s an attention deficit he’s now aware of and get to the root, whether it be sleep issues or something else.

    • This does sound concerning… is this a new thing? All of these sound like depth perception problems likely explained by binocular vision problems. I know you said he went to the eye doctor, but most optometrists don’t do a very good job of screening for this. It wasn’t until my early 40s that I found out that I have major binocular vision problems, despite seeing eye doctors every year for most of my life. In my case, this has probably been a life long issue, since I’ve always had really bad depth perception and the only reason I haven’t had dozens of similar accidents is that I avoid those kinds of situations and am very, very careful when I do have to do it. If it’s completely new, then it’s more concerning. Seeing a neurologist is probably a good idea, but if he has a history of poor depth perception, try a developmental vision specialist (search for COVD).

      • Thank you for this, I’ll check this out! I don’t know how in-depth (ha) the depth perception testing was. It’s possible the guy didn’t take him seriously.

        Hubby *is* concerned about it. He isn’t laughing it off or ignoring it. He’s point-blank asked me for help and what he should do, and that’s what I meant by “sent” – I suggested it, and he went. It wasn’t the stereotypical thing where wife has to drag hubby to the doc.

        We have been genuinely stumped about next steps since we had gotten the all clear from the MD and eye doc.

        Regarding substance abuse – this is a fair point and I will try to keep fresh eyes on the lookout for issues, but I have not noticed any strange behavior. Interestingly, he was a long-time user of Ambien up until about 6 months ago and weaned himself off it with the help CBT and meditation. His doctor already knows this, but perhaps there’s some sort of lingering withdrawal thing going on here? I’ll see if he can get a referral to a neurologist.

        Thanks, ladies. It’s just weird and concerning. I wonder what this guy will be driving like when he’s 80!?

  35. I am at a crossroads with a career question. I am a new attorney coming off a clerkship and I have two job options in front of me. One offer I have is an entry level civil prosecutor job with city government. It is great experience and would be a good start for me since I have always wanted to do government work. The other is a on a team in a well regarded personal injury firm, I do not yet have an offer but I am expecting it to be at least $2ok more. The team is super nice but it is litigation work so it does have high stress and long hours. This position is not entry level and I would be skipping up the chain. They are in the same location and I will have about a week to decide. I know it is late to post but I would appreciate any advice on things to consider. Thanks!

    • Anonymous :

      1. How much do you need the $20k? As in, do you have loans? Are you able to pay them on the government salary and still live a meaningful existence? Is the $20k icing, or the difference between subsistence and getting to do some extra things? How much of the $20k will you have to throw at conveniences necessary to having longer work hours (a daily dog walker, for instance, can be $5k of after-tax income).

      2. What does “skipping up the chain” mean in the personal injury firm? Do you mean you would be starting at a higher salary? Or that you will have years shaved off the partnership track? That you will be supervising other attorneys? That you will be the most junior person on any case but still get opportunities to do things like take depositions and argue hearings? What is appealing about that to you? Do you want to be a partner at a PI firm? Do you not want to be entry level and treated as “new”?

      My inclination is to take the prosecutor job if you can swing it financially, unless the answers to No. 2 are “I will have years shaved off the partnership track and I really want to be a partner at a PI firm.” Because no matter what, you will be learning nearly everything on the job except, perhaps, procedure, and you will definitely get substantive experience as a city prosecutor and I think that experience will be transferrable to any number of practices later, including private practice in the area of personal injury, if you decide (as you most likely will) that you’d prefer to do something else with your career later. But PI lawyer will not necessarily get you on a faster track in government work if you switch years down the road.

  36. Not a suit! :

    Is it ok to wear charcoal trousers with a grey-and-black-tweed blazer? At a distance the grey-and-black-tweed looks grey, of a slightly lighter shade than the charcoal. The textures are obviously different, though.

    • Anonymous :

      It sounds fine but probably depends on the occasion/venue where you are planning to wear this.

    • I think you can. I do that color combo all the time. If they look nice together in person – go for it.

  37. Online dating? :

    Anyone have advice for getting used to online dating? I am a few months out from the end of a long relationship and ready to get back into dating. For my age (mid 20s) and location (major city) that seems to mean using apps. Most of my friends seem to use bumble but I am so overwhelmed! Anyone have favorite conversation starters? Things I should include in my profile?

    • Anonymous :

      It worked for me and for many other people — good luck! Two pieces of advice: 1) Select photos of yourself doing your hobbies, even if they seem banal (reading a book, playing an instrument) — they start conversations. 2) Move offline as soon as possible — start the “meeting in person” conversation within a day of first messaging. It saves time in the long run.

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