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Weekend Open Thread

Happy Weekend! I've been on the hunt for comfortable weekend sandals — for running around with the kids and such — that are not Birkenstocks. (I am sort of in a Birkenstock rut.) I'm back to wearing more dresses in the summer, and I'm looking for something a little more polished that doesn't sacrifice comfort, so I'm ordering these sandals from Gentle Souls (by Kenneth Cole) to give them a try. I like the zip in the back, and I also like that the front is pretty minimal (just the elastic strap) while the ankle portion has an interesting look to it. These come in the pictured hazel as well as black and are available in sizes 5.5–11 for $104–$161 (marked down from $179) at Zappos. Larisa Sandal I'd love to hear from you guys: Which weekend sandals have you found to be comfortable but polished enough to wear with dresses? If you're in a business casual office where you can actually wear sandals, which ones are you wearing to work? Related question: What have been your favorite nail colors for toes this summer? This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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221 Comments

  1. I am really surprised by the vehemence on the morning thread re alarm systems.

    1. Me too! It seemed like an innocuous personal choice question to me and I was startled by the strong feelings.

      1. The entire comments section this morning was an interesting look at how people assess and address risk.

        1. It was. And at how emotional people get about the decisions they’ve made with respect to risk acceptance.

        3. Agreed. That’s one of the things that I enjoy about this community–getting an unvarnished look inside how other intelligent women evaluate that type of thing!

      2. The past two days I’ve had two experiences on this site that were very like “wow I don’t *get* this conversation” — the pretty/valuable objects thread (I feel like I have really nice things that I like and appreciate, but nothing that rises to the level of ‘most’? Art, I guess, but choosing between paintings is like having a favorite child! It was just fascinating to see how differently other women think about these things) and then the alarm thread (I have a DIY-type alarm, but don’t at all care if other people do or don’t, and basically I have mine because I think the cost is negligible when you factor in the reduction in our insurance costs?)… what a peculiar world.

    2. Me, three! Good grief I feel like we can fight about pretty much anything these days. *sigh*

      1. When smart women get together and they disagree on an issue, we can get heated. That’s why Dad calls it a cat fight. Meow! I prefer NOT to fight here — I do enough of that in court, b/c I am in litigation! Here I perfer to cooperate with fellow HIVETTES! YAY!!!!!

    3. People who have systems don’t want to be told they are being unnecessarily fearful or wasting their money.

      People who don’t have systems don’t want to be told they being unnecessarily risky or being cheap.

      All things that tend to get people heated.

      2. +1 I also think there’s this weird culture around victimhood these days. Like if your home is burgled (is that the word?) people want to believe it’s because of something you did/didn’t do so they feel less vulnerable. So maybe they’re doubling down on the merits so as to not be both the victim of a crime and blamed for it.

    4. For real. People don’t like to admit their experiences are neither globally shared nor globally applicable.

    5. Tangentially, I was surprised by the seemingly large percentage of readers who live in a single family home versus an apartment or condo. Or I guess people who live in apts/condos just were not commenting.

      1. Interesting. That didn’t really surprise me because I feel like outside of a few select cities, it is very rare to live in an apartment or condo after a certain age/success leave. But that then makes me wonder were most of the readers live

        1. Fair enough. I guess I thought most readers were in major coastal cities though, although I may be discounting how common it is for people to move to the suburbs of a major coastal city rather than staying in the city itself.

  2. Advice on a face serum? Have been using Oil of Olay regeneriste for years, would like to try something different. I’m relatively simple in my products.

    49 years old. Wash with ponds cold cream. Then serum. Then cerave SPF lotion. At night, I use ponds, a little serum, prescription Retinoid, and then cerave nighttime lotion.

    My aging skin has gotten a bit drier. Long history of acne, with the memories of that still present on my skin. I don’t use Botox or injectables.

    1. 48 and I’ve tried The Night is Young serum from Aphorism on recommendation from Cap Hill Style. Pricey though but my skin liked it this winter (am going lighter for the summer).

    2. I like Trader Joe’s Antioxidant Facial Serum. It doesn’t irritate, absorbs well, seems to create a smooth finish for under makeup. I also use TJ Nourish Moisturizer over it. I have combination skin. (Also, I ran out of the Nourish cleanser and my skin cleared up, so it was breaking me out. So I recommend the serum and moisturizer but not the cleanser.)

    3. Depends on what you’re looking for. Sounds like you have a great routine so far. You say your skin has gotten drier… you may want to check out Hada Labo Premium Hyaluronic Acid Lotion (it says lotion but its more of a serum). You pat it on while your skin is still wet from washing, pat your skin until it “sticks” (you’ll have to Google this to know what I’m talking about) and it leaves your skin super bouncy and hydrated. Niacinamide is a pretty fail-safe serum, helps with brightening and moisture retention. There’s a few out there at various price points, in my opinion the only one worth it are Paula’s Choice. Vitamin C serum would also fit in nicely in your routine. I’d recommend Paula’s Choice, Timeless, or Maelove Glow Maker.

    4. Age 52 here. I also wash with Pond’s but then I second cleanse with a gentle liquid cleanser because I found I was not getting it all off. (But Ponds is wonderful for a first cleanse – all my eye makeup is off in that step)

      I have been using Curology for about 4 months now and I’m really pleased. It’s something like $20/month and I get a gentle mix of both azelaic acid (for redness and inflammation) and Tretinoin (for anti aging and some residual acne.). Once or twice a week I skip the curology and apply Sunday Riley Good Genes, which is a really effective chemical exfoliant. It’s expensive but a little goes a long way.

      My skin is looking better than it has in ages, and I’ve actually been getting unsolicited compliments.

      1. I use different serums depending on time of day. Vitamin C serum in the morning (right now Drunk Elephant but Mad Hippie or Ordinary are also good). Nighttime I tend to do exfoliants instead of serum. It’s confusing.

    5. I’m 42, I just bought the Algenist Power pressed serum, I”m loving it. It was on sale at Sephora when I picked it up.

  3. If anyone’s looking for a decent wool suit or anything else from them, Banana Republic is having a sale this weekend with no exclusions, even on BR Exclusive/Picks. Check yo inboxes!

    (Side note, anyone know how to get rid of the photo associated with my handle/email? It was from a forum I posted on many many years ago.)

      1. Machine washable suiting? What sorcery is this? You can wash a suit jacket? Does it keep it’s shape? This may change my life :)

        1. Shrug – I’ve washed my wool suiting from Jcrew before ( in a lingerie bag, with wool wash detergent and then hang dry). It needs a little bit of a steam afterwards, but otherwise it was fine. I wouldn’t do it any more often than you’d dry clean it, but it’s fine.

        2. I wash all my suit jackets unless they are somehow unusual. Most of my stuff is BR or Ann Taylor level. I just don’t dry anything in the dryer. Wash, shape, hang or lay flat depending. Seems to work fine so far. I suppose if I bought $1000 suits that might be different lol.

  4. To kick off the weekend this is the opposite of the gripes post. Post something that made you smile, made you happy, that you are looking forward to, or a story of a stranger being kind.

      1. Same! A good friend worked on their social marketing campaign and I’m so freaking proud of her.

        Also, we’re going to restaurant week dinner tomorrow night at our favorite Italian place. And I’m going wedding dress shopping with a friend Sunday! It is going to be a great weekend.

        Also, I walked out to grab lunch and I saw a dog that looked like a black lab but had white and black spotted front legs like a dalmatian. That made me smile too.

      2. My older daughter (9) wants to see this. I haven’t read the book and we’ve seen Wonder Woman (PG-13 also), which was great. It’s supposed to rain, so I’m considering it. Any reasons not to, based on the book?

        1. I would say there’s no reason for a 9 year old not to see it. I don’t remember the book well, I think there were some love scenes but nothing super graphic. Mostly it’s just about nasty, obscenely rich people. The trailer looks good, but I really did not enjoy the book so I’m hesitant to see the movie (although I think it’s great that there’s finally a blockbuster with an all Asian cast).

          1. I didn’t love the book, but am seeing the movie this weekend for two reasons : 1) I want to see all of the totally over the top outfits and sets, and 2) to support a major movie with an all-Asian cast.

      3. Me too! I loved the book. Vicarious enjoyment of the lifestyles of the super rich is my jam, and I hear there’s amazing food porn too.

    2. My husband is kicking a$$ today on setting up appointments and making reservations and doing returns and all the personal life stuff we’ve both been putting off. Go him!

    3. I’m going to a Winnie the Pooh exhibit this weekend (original sketches, memorabilia, etc.) , then going to see Christopher Robin! Looking forward to a weekend of childhood nostalgia :)

    4. I’m going to lose 1 pound this weekend by giving blood (which I will promptly regain with some bean and cheese nachos). A- is in the house!

    5. Just got approved to adopt a dog and we cannot wait! I’m making a list of everything I need to get and window shopping for coats and toys.

    6. I got an awesome new job in a similar field at a rival employer, and when I told my boss–who will now be the only functional person left on our 3 person team–she was over the moon for me and hasn’t showed one ounce of annoyance or negativity toward my leaving or having to do this alone until they can backfill me. I’m being conscientious about my transition, but not everyone is this supportive when you leave.

      It’s made my transition out of my current role so much smoother, and I attribute it to her being a rock star human being. More of this! It’s made me happier and more excited!

    7. My last day in private practice is Friday of next week, and I just realized that I only have 6 more time sheets to fill out, ever!

    8. Here’s something that made me really really happy this week. Background: I’m the president of my Rotary Club this year, and the Rotary International theme for the year is Be the Inspiration. So I’ve been giving out an award for the Inspirational Rotarian of the Week, which is a luggage tag with the Be the Inspiration logo on it.

      Last week I gave the award to a very old-time member, who was MIA for a while because of a stroke, but he’s back and he emailed me with a suggestion for an activity and I recognized him for being active and engaged in the club. He was thrilled — his face just lit up like a Christmas tree. It made me so happy to be able to make somebody that happy.

      And this week when he came to our weekly meeting, his Be the Inspiration luggage tag was proudly displayed hanging on his walker! Made me happy all over again!

      3. That is so nice to be nice to old peeople. If we are lucky to become geezers ourself, I hope those who are young pay it foward. YAY!!!!

      4. I’ve been lurking here for a while and I can tell you Senior Attorney, you are one cool chick.

      5. Adorable! I love this, thank you for posting!

        p.s. The Week has a good news newsletter on Fridays, if you love good news.

    9. Thank you! I had to skip over that thread entirely. Way too negative for me today.

      At work, I get to work on a project for the next few months that is outside of what my division normally does. I get to work with some people that I really admire and look up to professionally and I get to learn about an area that is much more in line with my interests than what I do now. I’m super stoked about it!

    10. I was just at a wedding and it made me happy when the music reached the point where the elderly people who were seated beside the dance floor and tapping their toes couldn’t stay in their seats anymore and jumped out to join in the fray.

    11. My boss gave me a box of nice chocolate this morning as thanks for helping with a low-level task. Really not necessary, but thanks dude! Happy friday!

    12. My long-distance bestie just visited me for the first time since I moved away from the city where we met, and she got to meet my new(ish) baby. I knew seeing her again and seeing her and my daughter together would be wonderful, but I seriously underestimated it. I was a puddle of happy tears for the entire visit.

    13. Oh yay for this!

      I’m sick and last night I was hanging with Kiddo while she played with her dollhouse, and I curled up on the little couch in her room. She noticed, and covered me with a blanket and gave me a stuffed animal to hold, and then turned off all the lights and closed the door. And then got out a flashlight and shined it on my face so she could watch me rest. It was so sweet that I didn’t want to laugh at the misguided last step, so I lay there pretending to rest while stifling giggles.

      3. I love this. I recall laying on the couch with the flu once and my Great Dane dropped her favorite stuffie next to me and curled up at the bottom of the couch. The sweetness of that gesture has stayed with me for years.

    14. After weeks of go-go-going, I’m spending tomorrow gloriously antiquing and shopping for fall decor all by my onesies. Cannot wait. My fall Pinterest dreams are about to come true haha.

    15. Already posted above, but I have another–my dog and newly adopted adult cat have been a little territorial and squabbly. But this morning when we discovered Cat is afraid of thunder, Dog ran over to comfort her. Awww…

      1. OMG I can’t handle how adorable inter-species comfort/cuddling is. So precious!

    16. I had a terrible Tuesday but on Wednesday one of my favorite friends took me to a long dinner and helped me talk it out. Priceless friend to have.

    17. My high school son has his first football game as a freshman on the varsity team. I’m proud that he’s stuck with football practice in the heat and with the “big kids.” Being outside our comfort zones is tough. My daughter has decided that she wants to be on cross country. Another big step outside of comfort zone. I told her that I’d run with her–I’m a walker not a runner, but momma got to practice what she preaches on trying new things. Happy weekend.

    18. My nephew got engaged to a wonderful young woman who has been very very good for him. I’m delighted to welcome her to our weird, medium level dysfunctional, but fun family!

        1. She knows. In fact I think we have all told her we like her better than we like him! Haha (seriously tho, he is kind of an a55, but much less since she’s been in his life)

    19. I made my family and colleagues watch the glorious Aretha Franklin 2015 Kennedy Center Honors performance. She’s unbelievable, Carole King almost falls off the balcony with joy, and the Obamas are loving every second.

    20. I had a delicious Egyptian grain bowl for lunch earlier this week; last night my sister and I met for drinks at this French restaurant in the city and everything was delicious; I’m moving in with my boyfriend next month, and before that we’re going to see two really awesome concerts next weekend!

      Also, I DJ on the side mostly as a hobby, and I got the Halloween gig I wanted. How? I was in a Halloween-y mood, and decided hey, I’ve been doing this for a while, I’m generally considered “good at what I do,” so I got up the courage to just email the organizer and ask for it!

    22. Two different people who I work with, in different locations than me, expressed that they very much appreciated me and the work that I do, and said that the company was lucky to have me.

    23. I dropped my chain biking to work this week and was having trouble putting it back on until a stranger stopped to help me. Thanks, random stranger!

  5. I LOVE My Bare traps sandals. They are super comfortable (arch support!!) and have plastic soles so they are fully washable! And browsing their website it looks like they have even cuter styles. I commute to work, about 30 min walk in these every day. I’ve had some heal blisters in the beginning but supper comfy when they wore in.

    https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/bare-traps-stacey-wedge-sandal/416801?cm_mmc=CSE-_-GPS-_-G_Shopping_Sandals-_-New_Sandals&cadevice=c&gclid=Cj0KCQjw5NnbBRDaARIsAJP-YR-MVfNxYSem0BTce5UaEFzTCELuDkkEpBdIMa6wtsngZ1tpn9TXhvIaApBWEALw_wcB

    These are super cute too.

    https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/bare-traps-olissa-sandal/427634?activeColor=210

    1. I thought this comment sounded like an ad, but I took the bait anyway because I love shoes. I was disappointed. Maybe these look better with feet in them, but there are cuter comfy sandals out there.

      1. I really like my kork-ease sandals for weekend wear. Lots of fun colors and very comfy. They’re not the most stylish thing ever but they work well for me> I currently have a magenta pair and a metallic bronze pair.

      2. Hahaha, maybe I should go into sales. No really though, I hunted near and far for sandals I could walk to work in, because my cuddles sandals which I wore every day to work last summer and had two pair, were SOOOO smelly and I just could not get the smell out. :/ Cuddles are super comfortable too, just don’t ware them into the ground, and spray them with shoe spray.

  6. I’m feeling down about my career. I am several years out of law school (CCNMVP) and friends and acquaintances who were able to get big law jobs are now becoming of counsel, moving in house, just generally getting good opportunities. I’ve floundered in between clerking at various levels of state court and working in really small firms that were bad fits. I’m not sure what I’m asking, other than how to overcome being genuinely unhappy with my trajectory, even though I was thrown some huge curveballs in that time? I also was let go from my last firm (now clerking) and even though I want to be in private practice it has really shaken my confidence.

    1. You should NOT feel bad. You are in a position to look for another job, and you can find a better opportunity in law. I hope you succeed b/c you write very well. If I were you, I would explore more opportunities in the State Court system, as I am also considering this. The work is interesting, they have GREAT pension’s and they do NOT work more then 35 hours each week with ALOT of vacation. If you go that route, you will have time to do other things with your free time, and mabye even find a decent guy and get MARRRIED! That is what I hope to do. Good LUCK! You have the POWER of the HIVE behind you all the way! YAY!!!!!

    2. A lot of us have been there and I don’t at all want to say this to diminish your feelings, but your career is a marathon and not a sprint and trajectory means nothing – things go from good (big law job – no life but good pay), to suck (failed the bar exam and everyone’s questioning why they hired me), to awesome (yay, in-house job, I’m set for life!) to suck (laid-off from in-house job during the rescession, no one wants to give me a job after multiple callbacks) to optimistic (new job at mid-sized firm) to more suck (partners at mid-sized firm are passive-aggressive and sexist) and then back again to awesome (new job at a better firm where I am now a partner). You just keep your head down and network, network, network and you will be at a better place. Clerking is awesome because it’s great for your resume and a good opportunity to network with your judge and fellow clerks. And most of all, this is harder said than done, but remind yourself constantly that YOU ARE NOT YOUR JOB. Yes, Ellen-CAPs for that one. This internet stranger is rooting for you and hoping that you find yourself in a better place soon. Hugs.

    3. Late to respond, but I am confident (and sending well wishes!) that you will find your place. I’m not sure where you live/work (I’m in the Midwest) and I’m surprised at how many firms are hiring and how movement there is. Good luck!!!!

    4. Also super late to respond, but just wanted to say don’t be down. I’m HYS and had some struggles early on in my career (including not getting an offer from my firm as a summer, which was unheard of during that year) but managed to find my footing and have really established myself. you’ll find as time passes that people make different choices because of their personal lives, family commitments, etc., and paths tend to vary tremendously. Stick to it and you will find your way, I promise.

  7. Is 1 week too short to go to the Amalfi Coast? DH are planning a 1 week trip in October (I have limited time off), and we want to go to Europe. He refuses to do London/Paris. Were considering Amsterdam + Surrounding Netherlands or Amalfi Coast.

    1. If you can take a direct flight or a reasonable total flight time then it works. You don’t want like 18 hours travel time in each direction for a 1 week trip.

      For one week trips I suggest staying in one hotel or two max so you don’t spend a lot of time checking in and out.

    2. You will want to stay longer, but that is sufficient time to see the highlights and relax.

    3. I just looked into Amalfi for October. I was strongly discouraged by multiple travel agents from going in that time frame. Apparently it is quite cold and a lot of things are closed. That being said, based on the itineraries I was given, a week would be fine.

    4. A week is plenty, although I’d recommend staying in just one city and taking day trips to others. Otherwise you’ll feel like you don’t see anything in depth. We enjoyed Sorrento.

  8. Thanks for all the replies to my Q on the morning thread about joining a synagogue as a cultural Jew. We’re in a small city, unfortunately without a JCC or Jewish social group, or that would be a natural fit. The local Reform synagogue appears to have a fair number of non-religious events, like Challah baking for kids. It also appears to be quite social justice-y, which is a big draw for me and DH (we’re very liberal in a conservative area and have had a really hard time finding people here who share our values). They have a parent-baby story hour and I confirmed non-members can attend so I think I’m going to try that out and take it from there.

    2. I just g00gled “[nearby synagogue] + gay” because I’m not trying to fall into any traps on that front, and I found out they’re refreshingly not-just-tolerant but like, “come on guys we need to make a stronger effort to make sure our queer youth feel safe!” So maybe I’ll swing by with my family some time.

  9. Recommendations for a good quality pashmina?

    I’m planning on wearing a sleeveless dress to an event. Looking for a black pashmina, but don’t know where to start looking. I’ve never owned one.

      1. I got one at Nordstrom Rack a few years ago for about $39. By no means the softest, but worked well for the occasion (outdoor wedding in September) and better quality than you would generally find on the street.

      1. That’s a great suggestion! Thanks so much. I’ll book a flight to Syria posthaste.

    3. I like the Sh*tthatIknit Pardy wrap. It’s a fun brand. It’s superfine merino, but….gorgeous.

      1. Omg not the OP but I am definitely the target demo for this. A knitter, appreciative of fine fibers, happy to know who’s making my sh*t when I buy something… goodbye $185!

  10. I’m going backpacking for the first time tomorrow. Any last-minute tips on your must-have essentials? I’m paranoid about remembering Chapstick in the dry mountain air, but I have a feeling I’m forgetting something else that will make my life easier!

    1. Don’t pack too much! Your life will be much easier if you have less in your pack.

    3. How long will you be gone for?

      If going overnight, baby wipes, twine, and a pocket knife are always on my can’t forget list.

      Tip: change into clean undergarments before going to bed. Yours will be damp from sweat, even if they’ve mostly dried, and being dry is the number one ingredient for good sleep.

    1. No reviews but is anyone else annoyed that they use plus-size models when they only go up to size 12 or whatever?

      1. I just went to buy some shirts for my sister as a gift today, and got really excited when I saw the plus size models and then……..XL :(

  12. Gift ideas for my 65 year old mother? It should be something I can buy online and ship as she doesn’t live close. She’s obsessed with her dog, so maybe something for the dog? (I do not have a dog, so kind of lost here as to what to get!) My other thought was something self-care related, but I don’t really know what beauty brands she likes.

    1. Maybe a massage gift certificate? I gave one to my sister for a birthday recently. I looked at reviews in her city (which is not where I live) and found one that was well-reviewed on google and near her house and bought the gift card from their website.

    2. Etsy has shops that do custom artistic renderings of your dog’s face on pillows, blankets, etc. Gave our aunts an Andy Warhol-inspired print of their dog and they loved it!

    4. If you have a good photo of the dog, get one of those Etsy artists to paint it, frame it and send it to her.

    6. Does she like to read? Patricia McConnell has written some great books about dog psychology and communications- The Other End of the Leash and For the Love of a Dog

    7. Is her dog a mutt? They have 23 and me for dogs which I know some people love to find out the mystery genetic make up of their dog!

    8. I got my mom a buckwheat filled neck and shoulder pillow from Etsy that is huge that you pop in the microwave (and she’s 70) and it’s like her absolute favorite thing ever, so I suggest that.

  13. I know there are often book recommendations here but I haven’t caught up in a while. I’ve been in a rut where I have not read other than work or the news for far too long. I’m heading on vacation and looking for a great read. I’m thinking a great story, one that draws you in but is not too heavy (but also not a “beach read” or super light). The last book that I read that I truly loved was All the Light We Cannot See. I’m looking for something that similarly pulls me in and keeps me entertained during a week off the grid. Any recommendations from the hive?

    2. Have you read An American Marriage? I really enjoyed it. Totally switching gears, but I read “Dreamland” by Sam Quinones (sp?) a few years ago and it’s one of the few non-fiction books I’ve read that I would qualify as a page-turner.

      Also I love everything I’ve read by NK Jemison.

        1. Dreamland – Amazing but totally upsetting, at least to me. Not sure it’s a vacation read.

          I really enjoyed Less by Andrew Sean Greer recently. It won a Pulitzer if that is recommendation enough…

          1. + 1 to Less, and David Sedaris’ Calypso has caused me to laugh out loud several times.

    3. If you like WW2 historical fiction, I really liked The Alice Network and The Women in the Castle. Unrelated to WW2, recently read Station Eleven and it’s wonderfully literary but still has a story line that draws you in

      1. Station Eleven for the win!!

        I had forgotten it’s set in Canada, and when I re-read it recently after a trip to Toronto it was a fun surprise to see familiar street names jump out at me!

      2. I recently read Station Eleven, and love it. So, since I also like historical fiction, I’m going to add these to my reading list. thanks for the recommendations!

    4. You might like The Paris Architect. I loved All the Light You Cannot See and this one isn’t as technically good as that, but it’s a real page-turner.

    7. I have read just about everything by Canadian author Joy Fielding – suspense thriller writer for probably 30 years. Also read almost everything by J.P. Konrath, who published the Lieutentant Jack Daniels crime fiction series. Anybody else a fan of either author? I also subscribe to Ellery Queen Mystery magazine and am basically a short-story junkie.

  14. Not actively job searching but came across a position I’m interested in that was posted about ten days ago. It’s in a department where a professional acquaintance currently works (we have gone out to lunch every year or so and see each other at one annual event). I have to imagine she’d have a big part in hiring for it. I emailed her to ask to chat about it and got an out of office until August 27. I don’t really want to wait to apply before talking with her, but I also feel anxious waiting another ten days to apply. Should I just apply now? Wait a few days and see if she responds despite her out of office? I tend to over-think job application stuff.

    2. Why don’t you want to apply without talking to her first? I would apply and you can talk to her when she gets back.

    3. Apply now. Let her know you have done so via response to her out-of-office (“I see you are away for the week. I’m very excited about this opportunity so I’ve gone ahead and submitted. Would really like to talk to you about it when you get back.”) She is probably reviewing email occasionally and that will give her a chance to be sure your application gets to the right people if she wants to give you a nudge. Follow up with her when she is back.

    5. I’d send it in now and send her a follow-up email to the one you sent that lets her know you applied.

  15. I like to read a lot, but don’t like to buy many books. I’ve been relaying on my library’s e-book overdrive services, but it (a) often doesn’t have what I’m looking for and (2) has long waits for many books I want to read. Does anyone know of a Netflix-like book rental service?

    1. Not sure about Netflix, but for Overdrive, can you just place a lot of holds? I’m always like #9 when I place the hold, but I have so many at once that I pretty much always have at least one book I want to read available. I loooooove Overdrive. I pretty much never used my Kindle until I discovered it.

      1. In my city, I will often place a hold and be like person 482. It just takes too long!

    3. I use overdrive a lot. I discovered that, in California, you can get a library card at any library so long as you are a resident of the state. So I have library cards for a few neighboring communities. I can find different books on each overdrive so I’m usually covered.

      Yes, I do use hold lists. I top mine up whenever something comes off hold so I’m always at the maximum. I have had books on hold for 6 months or more. I sometimes fall behind but discovered that so long as I don’t take my kindle off of airplane mode, I can keep an overdue book for as long as it takes to finish.

    4. I use inter-library loan a lot for physical books if my library doesn’t have what I want – perhaps there is something aimilar for e-books?

    5. My library supports Overdrive, Cloud Library, and RB digital. I enjoy both audiobooks and regular reading, so I will often put a book on hold in more than one place, and I almost always get it faster than advertised. Once I have it on one app, I drop the other holds. If new releases become uber popular, my library will get more digital licenses so the line moves faster. I, too, play the hold game – I’ll usually have 10+ books on hold so my turn is always coming up one book or another.

    6. Kindle Unlimited plus the library’s Hoopla service almost always fills this addiction for me.

  16. Vicarious shopping help needed. I need a saturated, true red colored dress that would fall close to business attire for an alumni event. I’m a size 14/16 hourglass/pear. Budget is under $250.

    1. https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/j-crew-ruffle-trim-dress/4930282?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&fashioncolor=Red&color=red

      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/anne-klein-faux-wrap-dress/5059625?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&fashioncolor=Red&color=marine%20red

      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/anne-klein-button-detail-fit-flare-dress/5059645?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&fashioncolor=Red&color=marine%20red

      https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/2319026?cm_mmc=feeds-_-adlucent-_-google-_-pla&utm_source=adlucent&utm_medium=feeds&utm_content=google&utm_campaign=pla&utm_channel=shopping_acq_p&sid=545650&aid=%5BADL%5D%20%5BPLA%5D%20%5BShopping%5D%20-%20Categories%20-%20Brand%20-%20%5BDesktop%5D&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI29n19IL13AIVHLjACh0zKAXzEAQYASABEgLgOvD_BwE&kwid=productads-adid%5E93310058797-device%5Ec-plaid%5E357107055077-sku%5E14853239-adType%5EPLA&color=RED

      https://www.calvinklein.us/en/womens-dresses#color=red

    2. Similar was linked above but this is cheaper I think?
      https://www.macys.com/shop/product/anne-klein-faux-wrap-dress?ID=5138144&CategoryID=5449#f

      If you want to be a little more festive:
      https://www.macys.com/shop/product/calvin-klein-illusion-trim-fit-flare-dress-regular-petite-sizes?ID=3340613&CategoryID=5449#

      Lord help me, I know I shouldn’t like this, but I do.
      https://www.macys.com/shop/product/planet-gold-juniors-button-blazer-dress?ID=6610313&CategoryID=5449&swatchColor=Red&swatchColor=Red#

  17. Ok I need to ask a TMI question – pee urgency. I do my kegels so it’s not really that I can’t hold it (most of the time) it’s more that the urgency comes at me suddenly.

    Years ago I was sitting at a lunch table of women who were older than me and one of them said it was a mental thing – when she pulled into her driveway after a long commute, she would almost wet her pants while she was putting the key into her front door. She said it was mental conditioning – she didn’t feel like she had to urgently go while she was commuting but her body/mind said “home – pee” as soon as she got there. She said her OBGyn had recommended she make herself wait. Open the mail. Put her coat away etc. And it had been working for her.

    I kind of filed it away mentally but I find it has been happening to me. I don’t even know what to google (and I don’t want to do it on my work computer) and I’m just wondering if this happens to any of you. Even at work, I won’t feel like I have to go urgently, but then I get to the ladies room and suddenly I almost can’t make it to the stall before my body wants to open the floodgates, so to speak.

    Does this happen to you? What do you do to make it stop?

    1. It’s called urge incontinence, and you can take medication for it. Talk to your doctor – there may be other treatment options.

    3. Ask your OB to refer you to a pelvic floor PT. Kegels are not always the right exercises for urinary issues and can cause your pelvic floor to be too tight, which can alter the neuro signaling and produce the symptoms you are describing. The signaling between your brain and your pelvic floor needs re-training and a PT can teach you to do this in like 4 sessions. It’s completely worth it.

      1. + might be pelvic floor muscles are too tight and kegels can make things worse. An evaluation from a urogynecologist and/or PT could help.

  18. I had lunch downtown today in my hcol hip, west coast city and all the working women I saw looked so cool and stylish in their skinny jeans/pants and nice tops. These more minimal outfits looked great, and I admired how well women of all shapes and sized looks.
    I’m an extreme hourglass and wear dresses to work most of the time. Though I can replicate their minimal look with my black skinny jeans and nice top too, I never feel that I look as cool or effortless as these women do. Its not that I’m unhappy with the way I look…I’m not— it just occured to me that even if I copied this, I would not look as “cool.” Is this in my head, or do I just know that I look better in a different look?

    1. I think more than 80% of looking “cool” is truly owning it, feeling like you’re rocking it. My tip for *that* is sending selfies to your supportive #squad who will tell you how great you look. To really up the ante, get the app Marco Polo and group chat little videos of yourself looking great.

      But yeah, I think that if you do something that’s “copying” another look in your mind, you won’t feel like you’re rocking it. If you are “rocking a new look” though… then you might.

      1. Good point— will try to ‘own’ this look more when I will wear it. I’m Wondering if perhaps my personal look/ personality, psyche…etc suits a different style, and that me owning it might be more about the incongruity of my inner self expressing my outer self? For example, my long curly hair matches and suits sheath and a line dresses more than a minimalistic look like black skinnies and a top. Not to say I shouldn’t try other looks, it maybe dresses are my home look.

        1. I bet I’ve sat next to you and envied your look. And that you’d totally rock the skinny jeans thing. It’s all what you get used to.

          1. Thanks:) I admire so many looks on other women— I guess at times it’s interesting to try ‘new for me’ looks. I’ll just keep trying to stay confident as I adapt and adjust to changes.

    2. I agree with Rainbow Hair. And to add to her response, maybe you just need a small tweak to make the look more you — bright lipstick, great shoes or jewelry, bad ass hair. Incorporate something from the color or style of your usual look.

    3. I think you should own what looks good on you, rather than worrying about what looks good on others. Like, I love Boho looks on others, but they just don’t sit right on me.

    4. I think it’s in your head. You think they look effortless because you don’t see all the effort they put into buying those items and choosing their outfits. And the grooming. And haircuts and facials and makeup and all the rest it takes to look “effortless.”

      And maybe this: I have a curvy body, and always look with envy on the women with long straight legs and narrow hips and bodies with straight lines. They look so cool! I will never look like them because my hips, thighs, and calves are very, very curvy, no matter what weight I am. Sigh. Basically, we think whatever body type or hair type we WISH we had is “cool.”

      1. Thank you for this perspective. I like my curly hair and curves, and I put effort into buying and assembling flattering outfits, but you’re right that I don’t feel my look is cool. Ultimately, I guess I’m ok that I’m not cool in my city, in the more popular sense, but occasionally I wonder if I could ever pull off their look. Maybe people think I look cool in my own way, but there is such a defined look in my city and workplace, that once in a while I feel I don’t fit or, or maybe I just stand out. Lots of food for thought here.

        1. Great comments here. I’m a curvy hourglass as well, and I know what you’re talking about. I agree about the “effortless” thing being a front for lots of effort that goes on behind the scenes. I think it’s also true that in our culture, the exact same look on someone who’s a size 2 is considered chic and carefree, that would be considered sloppy on someone who’s plus size. As if thin people can can be too “cool” to care about their outfits, but everyone else needs to be meticulous. That part is just sick. You didn’t mention being plus size, and I’m not either, but I think this stuff is all on a spectrum.

          One suggestion I’ll make is to give yourself lots of visual treats of women with your body type who look great. I’ve realized that although I’m straight size, my body shape is more similar to plus size models (as is true for most adult women)–and so I follow lots of plus size models and bloggers on Instagram and I love it. I feel like they look cool, therefore I must be able to look cool. You also mentioned having long curly hair. I recommend Girl With Curves, who is gorgeous (with long curly hair) and does wear minimal outfits with skinny pants pretty often.

          Final thought: nothing is cooler than opting out of a senseless societal pressure to conform.

          1. That is so eloquently put. 10o% to everything you said. Since I was in my 20s I have always been on the side of not conforming to societal pressure, and assembling my own look, or giving something my own spin.
            Sometimes there is that smidgen part of me that has the desire to make a popular look or outfit work, and fit in more. Usually this urge passes, but when I am surrounded by so much conformity of a specific look, the distant teenage self part of me that wants to fit it, wonders if I can do it, though the wiser part of me says I don’t have to!
            Like I mentioned before though, this usually passes and I come to my senses. I love looking at the girl with curves posts. I’m on the cusp of being plus sized, a size 12- 14 depending on the brand, but my legs and arms are narrow and slimmer, and my waist, bust hips are all different sizes— maybe this plays into that ease feelings as well. Lots of good ideas here. I really appreciate all the viewpoints here.

    5. Totally know what you mean. I am also hourglass leaning to pear. I just don’t feel cool in the skinny jeans / loose top look. It hides my waist! Gives me that cocoon look which just drags me down. I have been rocking the short dress over pants look and I feel so much better and “me” in it and gets compliments all the time. It’s the same concept of skinnier pants/ longer top but a dress actually outlines my waist and lets me go crazy with jewelry.

      1. Love the idea of rocking the short dress over the Skinnies. I just got a top with those waist ties that gives my waist definition when I tie it in a loose knit or loose bow. I think it works in a similar way you mention as it gives waist definition. I love jewellery too.

  19. My husband and I are considering going away for a “Babymoon” in late October or November. We want it to be somewhere in the US. Because it’s our first and I’m a high risk pregnancy (although we have been cleared to travel in the second trimester by our doctor), I would like it to be somewhere not too remote or far from a major hospital. Any suggestions for places that are great and wouldn’t break the bank? In case it matters, we live in Texas. Thank you!!!

    1. New Orleans! :) Bonus: stay at a hotel with a pool since October can still be very warm, and it feels nice to swim when you’re pregnant. Congrats and enjoy your baby moon! (Alternative idea—Miami? LA?)

  20. When you are looking to find a new job (or make other changes) do you believe it is best to either (1) actively make lists, network, job search aggresively, etc. or (2) trust that the universe will provide something and allow the universe to reveal itself in time? I’ve had the best luck with the latter, but it is so hard to do, particularly when you want out of a job yesterday.

    1. I can’t imagine taking the second approach. I’ve always changed jobs by networking and telling people I’m on the market. I think maybe you just got lucky before. Fire up the network and definitely actively search.

    2. WUT? No, I mean, you can be all woo-woo about The Power, but if you want something, put on your big girl pants and go out and make it happen! #1 all the way!!!

    3. You do the first so that when the universe presents its opportunity, you are ready.

      My guess is that while you think it’s a lot of the latter, you did work to put yourself in a position to take advantage of the oppoturnity when the universe did present it.

      So, do the leg work to find the thing that’s right for you – so the universe has an easier time presenting it to you.

      1. Second this. Every time I got out of a dire situation it was close to a miracle. But I never stopped paddling. My thinking is yes you want to trust that the best will happen, and that even the bad stuff is for a reason and pushing you towards something better but you also need to elevate your human self or whatever concrete steps to download the part that your higher self / universe has written

    4. I’ve been trying to leave biglaw for a couple of months now. I am doing both in a way (actively job searching/applying, being open to recruiter calls), but I don’t really do the networking part. In all my years, that hasn’t really gotten me anywhere and takes up a lot of time. I am in a really niche field as well, so I just look for job recs/recruiter calls relevant to my niche and in my geographic area that seem interesting. It means I don’t apply to many jobs (I’ve applied to less than a half dozen), but not many jobs are more interesting than my current jobs anyways.

  21. Question for this brilliant hive:

    I joined a large, “tech” company in the NY metro a little over a year ago. I had multiple bosses in quick succession (org changes) and watched multiple women leave through harassment and being fed up. My early bosses in the role did not provide negative feedback at all, and gave me encouragement that I was cleaning up problem areas.

    My current boss hates my last boss (and that I don’t hate him too); and has made my life hell this year. She is the epitome of a queen bee. I’ve been harassed, picked on and blasted both publicly and privately – and her comments are very personal. Many of the things ‘documented’ against me have been false, although they have no interest in the proof I’ve shared. I started documenting the treatment and comments, and then it vacillated between being totally ignored and blasted. HR has been involved and advised me that basically they don’t care and support my boss, the HR person texts in the few meetings we have had.

    Now, I’e been given an option of a package to leave. I’d like to understand if a court case if worth it. it’s a lot of time and energy, is it likely to pay off in monetary compensation and/or changing the culture of this ancient company? both my boss and I are of the same race, she has some track record of harassment but seems to have the support of the company.

    I’d love to hear from you. Thank you in advance for your time and thoughts.

    1. What would be the basis of your lawsuit? Discrimination? S@xual harassment? Being subject to a sh*try boss is not an actionable claim – if it were there would be a lot more cases out there. If you’re being paid a severance, I’d take it, or at least ask for the equivalent number of weeks to remain on payroll so you can be employed while looking for a new job. They are paying you to get out of this miserable place so maybe this is a good option?

      1. Thank you Kelsey.

        I appreciate your thoughts. The environment is so hostile that I’ve been physically ill since January.

        I am concerned that these lies exist in my HR file, but for what? I’d never return to this employer. I’m also upset that HR has protected this liar and bully for years, but that’s what HR does: protect the company. I have copies of the proof, as do they so they know there are smoking guns around the lies and hostility.

        This is a good option. I am not sure the severance is fair, but I’m also gauging whether it is worth the hours and pain of a lawsuit to sue. I’ll be asking local attorneys if they have negotiation experience with this company, because I am fast learning that this is their MO. (how horrible and sad!)

    2. yeah – you need to talk to an actual lawyer. Like in person, that you pay to give you advice. Why are you asking the internet?

      1. One note on this – generally plaintiff attorneys will consult with you and tell you whether they think you have a case for free. They work on contingency/for statutory attorneys’ fees and have no incentive to take cases with no or minimal value.

        If the attorney wants $$ up front for a consult – run!

      2. I never post for advice to the internet, but I know the corporette posters are smart and helpful.

        frankly, after 8 months of abuse, a little help in orientation is welcome and the thoughts of the smart women here, doubly so. most non-lawyers don’t know employment law or what to look for before paying for that advice.

        I’ve learned that seeking opinions is wise and is not a show of weakness ; ) have a great day.

    3. I would very highly recommend you consult with a good, reputable plaintiff-side employment law attorney. But keep in mind that litigation is protracted and painful and that being a bullied is (unfortunately) not actionable. If you are not being bullied because you are a member of a protected class, then it does not matter how horrible, unfair, and arbitrary your boss is.

      I once had a case where our defense (essentially) was “our client is an *ss to everyone – he does not discriminate on the basis of race, gender, or religion.” We won.

      1. Thank you Anon.

        This is helpful. I was just offered the package yesterday and there is a lot to process.

        your advice on “good, reputable plaintiff-side employment law attorney” and that being bullied is not actionable is useful. I have found several firms with good avoo ratings nearby and I will consult with them on Monday.

        For those of us who are not lawyers, some orientation into a strange world is useful!

      1. thanks., good idea ideas on how to find others who have sued? I’m learning their MO is a leaving offer with tight commitments never to speak their name again ; ) not sure how to find “others”

        1. Okay, I am one. In the middle of it, and it’s been going on for years.

          My advice is to take the severance if you are at all uncertain. A certain sum of money now is worth more than uncertain money later, and it can be hard to find a job if employers have found out that you’ve sued. (I have actually lost job offers when they asked my references if I sued.) You will hear about how awful you are, and their entire defense is that you are crazy and a bad employee. The doctored HR documents will be taken as Gospel, and it will take superhuman proof to overcome the weird deference that people have towards them.

          I couldn’t live with myself because of the shame I, an attorney in a non-attorney job, felt in not doing whatever I could to make it better for the next woman. The man is a predator (he has public social media posts about “grooming” a non-biological daughter – sorry if you want to throw up) who made several women quit after having literal nervous breakdowns. My rationale was that even if I don’t win, even if this lawsuit doesn’t change things, it would make it a LOT easier on the next woman.

          But your situation is different. I wasn’t offered severance; I probably would have taken it. It’s not just the money; it’s that the company is starting to pay extra money because of this person’s (expletive). That alone puts up red flags and ensures that whatever the party line about the person is, the company will, eventually, start to force them out.

    6. I am a biglaw lawyer, and want to leave my job due to similar treatment/HR not caring. My MO is to just get out and find something better. Not legal advice, but on a personal level I wouldn’t want to get embroiled in a lawsuit. But it can’t hurt if you want to talk to a reputable employment lawyer to get their take.

  22. I was unexpectedly promoted yesterday to the Director level and got a huge raise. I wasn’t expecting it and I AM SO HAPPY. Just wanted to share.

  23. I’m a youngish single lady trying to reinvent myself from “general service industry worker” to “IT professional”. I’m enrolling in college soonish (basically as soon as a few papers process) for a cybersecurity degree. I’m also realizing I need, like, an adulting manual or something.

    So for those of you that are farther along…what would you like to have known when you were starting out? Not necessarily big life advice, but little tricks that made your life easier and helped you get along. I feel like I’m having to throw out 90% of what I knew about being an adult and pretty much go it alone. (My latest revelation was that the world will not in fact fall apart if you eat microwave chinese for dinner.)

    1. Help us out with telling us more about the problems/ issues you’re running into:
      How old are you…22? 32?
      Why are you having to throw out what you know about being an adult? What’s wrong with it?
      What was amazing about eating microwave food for dinner…did you think you weren’t allowed?

      1. 30, right now.

        For me…I think a lot of it was I had the upbringing of, if you’re not doing everything all by yourself for yourself, you’re either lazy or too worthless to be out on your own. A real adult should be able to work full time and come home and fix a good dinner and do 30min of housework while doing 8h of outside activities a week and, well, you get the idea. I’m realizing I picked up a very toxic idea of how adults were supposed to function that pretty much relied on having unlimited energy.

        Entirely relatedly, I’m realizing I’ve probably been living with a serious amount of post-traumatic stress for the last decade. I am somewhat miffed that of the therapists I’ve seen none of them seem to have picked up on that.

        Hence why a thing like microwave food was amazing – I’m used to the idea that microwave dinners mean you are a failure as an adult. I was also quite surprised to learn there were more options than either tv dinner hamburgers or those itsy-bitsy diet meals.

        1. Give yourself permission to decide what you like and enjoy without guilt. It’s ok to enjoy heating up microwave take out, just as much as it is buying some fancy dips at whole foods and assembling a yummy dinner of bread dips, olives…I digress, but you get the picture.
          Maybe start with figuring out what adulting things you would rather do, and what you would like to let go of. You don’t have to clean every night after dinner, or keep up with all the hobbies. Focus on a few things you can handle in the evening s and on the weekend, and tell yourself it’s ok to have one or two days a week(or more…) to let go of the so called ‘rules.’ And congratulations on heading In a new direction— good luck!

        2. Ha! You sound like me before I met my husband. My Jewish upbringing was both a blessing and a curse. Here is what my much more chill husband taught me:
          – It’s OK to leave dishes in the sink if you are pooped at the end of the day and want to fall over. Do any dishes in the morning while going through you to-dos for the day in your head. Then you don’t feel like a failure.
          – It’s OK not to have plans! For the evening or the weekend, or like – life. Just chill out with Netflix once in a while and then you’ll have energy to really enjoy something next week.
          – Increase your standards for people you keep around you. You don’t need to upkeep ALL the connections. Some people suck up time and give nothing and it’s OK to stop spending time on them.
          – Watching puppy videos is OK! It lowers your blood pressure.
          – Just stop reading the news aggregators. Find a couple good magazines and do that instead of feeling both bombarded and out of touch simultaneously.
          – Get a hobby that’s not your job and dive deep. No, it’s not a waste of time as my upbringing may have led me to believe.
          – It’s OK not to exercise in a controlled fashion. Pick a few minutes a few times a day and do some pushups or pullups or situps, walk up the stairs or go for a walk with a friend or with your or someone else’s dog. So much better than making yourself go to the gym.

          And things not to relax on:
          – Those A’s at school are still as important as ever. Don’t waste time on education if you’re not in it to win it.
          – Ask professors for references far before class is over and give them a draft 2 weeks before class end. They will love you.
          – Trying to find freelance work or mentors in your new field is as important as ever. Real life experience is always different from what you learn in school.

          Good luck!

        3. you could make it less judgmental on yourself and more of a game. here’s what I mean: consider yourself an anthropologist and each of your beliefs an item to study. for each one, you could hold it up to the light and consider whether it is worth keeping or not. then you can play curator and decide which ideas you like the best.

          as an example: food and dinner ideas:
          read some articles on how people prep for the week (kitchen and apartment therapy always have some, beware the commenters sometimes judgy and opinionated ; ). ask some of your colleagues that are friendly (“hey, I’ve been trying out microwave dinners, do you have any suggestions? or “what’s your go to meal when you’re too tired to cook?”)

          there are opportunities to connect with others AND decide if you want to try something.

          I’d note that many well-adjusted people do just this in their 30s! and frankly, the smartest women and folks who later didn’t get divorced went through similar processes. I’m often surprised that people are as unstructured as they are in their private life too! no one told me either ; )

          most likely, you are just fine and cooler than you think. try to relax a little, there is no dinner police (I promise, or they’d be at my house for a few years before they can look for you! : D )

        4. and bless the people who taught you these things, they were likely unaware of their own programming but leaned into it and taught you out of love. forgive them and yourself, it is one of the most important things you will do.

    2. I’m late to the weekend thread, but one recommendation I have for you is a book that’s long out of print called, “Where’s mom now that I need her?” It’s basically an adulting 101 book that goes into lots of detail about very basic things (i.e. how should you grocery shop? When are certain items in season? How do you get a stain out of a shirt?) all the way to more advanced cooking recipes. It’s like $3 on eBay used. I picked mine up a thrift shop and I’m digging some of the recipes.

      1. It’s ok, I’m late to checking the weekend thread. Looks like it’s on amazon too used for fairly cheap. And I can always get free shipping by ordering more cat food.

        I’d say my biggest problem right now is I know how to do a lot of tasks, but not necessarily how to do things efficiently when you have 5 hours worth of things to do and 1 hour to do them in. Which seems to be a common result of adult life.

  24. Question for the weekend hive: a couple yrs ago I met a guy on a business trip and we had a (ahem, very lovely) one night stand. We’ve stayed in touch and for the past several months have been texting a ton and we are meeting up in Miami. He has a business trip there and asked if I could join. He said he would book hotel and then texted me the name of the hotel. Do you think he’s expecting us to stay in the same room? Or should I book my own?

      1. That’s what I thought (hoped) but I didn’t want to assume and then have an awkward moment there… Thank you so much for weighing in. :)

    2. I would assume you’re staying together but I don’t think it would hurt to confirm.

  25. Hi all – I am having a bit of a work dilemma I was wondering if you could provide your insight on. I work for a nonprofit organization. When I was hired (less than a year ago), I was told there were a few “all hands on deck” events per year that were on Saturday or Sunday. At that point there were 3-4 per year so I really had no issue with it. However, recently they have begun adding events to the calendar for every single month. One of which they are requiring us to be there at 5 am. I feel like this is crazy and unnecessary. I don’t mind helping here and there, but monthly events seem like overkill to me. I get employers can basically do whatever they want and be demanding, but I feel they’re making unnecessary demands. Any advice? Thanks in advance.

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