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Updated: Dec 7, 2018 206 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Fleming Leather Foldover Hobo Something on your mind? Chat about it here. I don't know why, but I've never really been a Tory Burch girl. The brand is way more preppy and girly than my usual taste, and if memory serves she was into logos on the earlier side of things. Still… a lot of her stuff right now is lovely, particularly the Fleming line of bags and the very minimal “Block-T” lines. This happy red bag — which is festive but versatile enough to be carried year round, I think — is on sale and looks stylish and chic, but in a laid back way. The bag was $558, but is now marked to $374 at Nordstrom. (You can find the two aforementioned lines all over the place, including Tory Burch (the sale section has a ton of good stuff!), Shopbop, Zappos, and most of the major department stores.) Fleming Leather Foldover Hobo This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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Comments

  1. Horse Crazy

    I have pretty long (mid-back), thick, curly hair – not tight curls, but definitely more than just wavy. It definitely gets frizzy in the rain/if I don’t use products in it. For the past few years, my after-shower routine has been using the John Frieda Frizz-Ease mousse, then the Frizz-Ease Dream Curls spray, and then Paul Mitchell hairspray to keep the curls in place. Lately, I’ve been thinking that it could look better. What are your styling product recommendations for hair like mine? I basically need something(s) to control the frizz and define my natural curls. Thanks, all!

    • Anonymous

      Have you tried Paul Mitchell Skinny Serum? I put that in and then dry my hair and that’s it. One pump works for me in winter and 2 in the summer when it is more humid.

    • Curly

      I have similar hair to yours, I believe. It’s to my mid-back and mostly 3A curls. I wrap my hair in a microfiber wrap for about 10 mins after the shower. Then use a few pumps of Bumble & bumble Curly pre-style primer, then about a dime-sized amount of Bumble & bumble Curl Defining Cream (to cut frizz/define curl), then about a dime-sized amount of Bumble & bumble Straight Blow Dry (to preserve curl separation). Then I dry my hair upside down about halfway with a diffuser and the hair dryer set on low. If my hair looks frizzy the next day or later in the same day, sometimes I’ll put a little oil on it.

      Also, to cut frizz, I do not touch my hair throughout the day, never ever ever brush/comb it while dry, sleep on a silk pillowcase, and condition my hair like crazy every time I wash it. Seriously like a tiny drop of shampoo on my roots and then so.much.conditioner. I use the Aussie 10x 3-minute miracle. You may be already doing those things, but I’m throwing them out there just in case.

    • Owl Lover

      I have wavier curly hair. Think viking blonde curls. I use Carol’s Daughter Hair Milk every day. It keeps my curls looking well nourished and tight. I will also use Miss Jesseys gel on occasion, but I don’t see much of a difference. The best thing for my curls I have found is to keep them moist and well oiled.

      • Owl Lover

        Also I don’t shampoo ever. I use wen or a full sulfate free conditioner always.

        • anon a mouse

          +1 to no sulfates, and I also avoid silicone-based ingredients as well. The Bumble/Frizz-ease lines are full of them. I’ve had good luck with Shea Moisture, Kinky Curly, and Miss Jessie’s products (and Deva, but they are $$).

    • Anon for this

      This is exactly my hair type, but wavier in the front and curlier in the back. I never know what to call it either. Do you airdry or diffuse it, HorseCrazy? On “natural curls” days I airdry, put in one of a few different serums I have (I have 3 from Caviar I like: an anti-frizz serum I got at Costco, their CC cream, or an Bahama air dry cream I don’t think they make any more) and duck clips and then I kind of call it a day — I make sure to re-wet on days 2 and 3 to make the curls look springy again but that’s it. I only use mousse if I’m blow-drying, otherwise if I really want my curls to hold I use gel almost as soon as I get out of the shower, while it’s still dripping wet.

      Lately though I’m experimenting with hot rollers and those sleep styler things. The sleep stylers are very easy if you’re ok going to bed with stuff in your hair.

    • Anonymous

      This is so interesting to read. I come from a long line of women with straight oily hair that needs to be washed daily. One daughter has my hair (she is hitting puberty and by day 3, the oil is noticeable). One requires completely different hair care (no such thing as too much conditioner, sleeping on a cotton pillow case results in a head o’ tangles).

      • Owl Lover

        haha, in highschool me and my best friend got snowed in together. We didn’t take a shower for three days, because we were total gross lumpy lizards. But, by day three my hair looked better than usual and hers looked like a greasy straight mess. I think thats when I realized I shouldn’t wash it.

        I am coming up on my year anniversary of the last time I washed my hair. Though, technically wen has a little shampoo in it. Its mostly conditioner. I have found it is impossible to over condition my hair.

    • anon

      I have hair very similar to yours in length and curl type. I alternate between curly days and blowout days so haven’t ever gotten fully onboard the no-shampoo train, but hear it helps a lot. Instead (on curly days) I use a LOT (like four to six pumps) of Devacurl Ultra Defining Gel on very wet hair–I keep it in the shower and before I get out, I bend over and scrunch it into my hair. Without wringing it out at all I put a microfiber towel around it while I dry off and put on my face lotion. Then I put the front up in short clips at the root–sort of like a halo around my face–and leave them there until my hair is dry or almost dry. And no touching it until it’s dry! It takes it a long time to dry (like an hour) but I can work or eat or fold clothes or put on makeup in the meantime. When it’s dry I take out the clips and coat it with serum, and pin the front pieces back with bobby pins to keep it out of my face. Very little hands-on time, but I don’t really get out of the house any faster than if I’d blown it out. I still haven’t figured out how to make second-day curls work at all unless I’m only going to the gym.

    • Elle

      Pick up a copy of The Curly Girl Method. Wash your hair with a clarifying shampoo and then ditch sulfates/silicones. You’ll want to clarify first to get the product buildup out from the products you are currently using. If you don’t want to completely ditch shampoo for conditioner only/cowash, you can get a a sulfate free shampoo. There are plenty of brands found at the drugstore/Target that qualify. Get a deep conditioner (without silicones) to use once a week/every other week/one a month. I’m sure with long hair, you’ll need it. If you don’t regularly trim your hair, get a trim to get the dead ends off. Even if you don’t do a “curly cut” (cut hair dry/curl-by-curl) it will make a difference. Finally, get a gel (without silicones). Aussie Instant Freeze is a cheap favorite, but there are plenty of others out there. I think those are the basics that would make a difference.

    • MJ

      Tresemme Climate Control mousse. I have slightly curlier hair than you (full ringlets), but it is perfect. No other Tresemme formulations come close. I order it from the river site–it’s rarely in stores.

    • AK

      My hair is basically the same as yours in curl, length, and it’s super thick. I’ve started only shampooing it once a week (conditioner only the other 2 washes). After the shower, I’ll put it up in a microfiber turban for 10 min, then finger-comb Ouidad climate control heat and humidity gel through it (nickel to quarter sized amount – it goes a long way). Dry in sections with a diffuser on medium blast, and spritz/scrunch with It’s a 10 curl spray after. If i’m going out dancing, the whole head gets a distant blast with strong hairspray. Pineappling my hair overnight and sleeping on silk pillowcases has done wonders for day 2 hair. The only time a brush touches my hair is to detangle right before I wash it.

      • Wavy long hair

        Seconding the silk pillowcase (& I find actual silk much better than just silky fabric such as satin), and also would suggest using an old t-shirt to wrap your hair in after a shower rather than a microfiber towel – helps keep the hair shaft smooth and prevents frizz

  2. Anonymous

    What are good gift ideas for a 3 year old boy who has a million toys already? This is for a birthday. He has a <1 y.o. brother so things with small pieces might be tough.

    • Anonymous

      That’s a good age for Duplo. It’s like the toddler version of Legos.

    • AK

      Not sure about price range, but:
      passes to zoo, kids museum, gymnastics or other indoor sports
      bicycle/tricycle/scooter
      puzzles (Melissa & Doug 4-in-1 Wooden Jigsaw Puzzle – the dinosaur one is popular with my 3-4 YO)
      Playdoh and accessories (ours always gets dry/colors are mixed/whatever)
      Gift card to amazon video to get a season of Paw Patrol
      Books

    • Anonymous

      A big old school style tonka truck.

      I had that problem when my nephews were that age – and the little guy could sit in the tonka dump truck and get a ride. They use it to “haul” things and dump them out. They use it in the backyard. It was a big hit.

    • Anon

      Art supplies. Fresh markers, watercolors, crayons, and paper (spiral sketchbook?) are always welcome in my house. Try for washable formulas if possible.

  3. Anon HouseHunter

    WWYD? My husband bought a brand new townhouse the year before he met me. It’s in an incredible location in our area, and, again, it’s brand new. However, I hate it. I hate it for the following reasons: 1) it’s too expensive. It takes both our incomes to pay for this massive townhouse; 2) it’s open concept, which means there’s all this dead space we’re paying to heat and cool, 3) I hate the squished in next to neighbors aspect of being in a townhome, 4) there is no yard for our dog, and 5) There are no bathtubs in the house for adults (no master bathtub and the other tubs are only suitable for bathing dogs or children). I moved in and waited a year. I still hate it. All (and I mean all) of our friends and family are horrified that we’re going to sell it. Horrified. But our plan is to sell and downsize (go from about 3,200 sq ft to 2,200 sq ft), reduce our debt by $150k (which means we could live off of only one income and save/invest the other), and still be in a good location for our jobs. But it wouldn’t be brand new. Are we just insane? I am so, so excited to be in a single family home but the negativity parade by all of our relatives is really bumming me out.

    • anon

      You’re buying a house that suits you, not your relatives. I’m sure it’s hard to get past that, though. Maybe try to keep focusing on what you are moving to instead of what you are selling/leaving behind.

      • Anon HouseHunter

        Thanks, I think this is right. It’s just so discouraging that we mention selling the house and everyone’s face drops. It’s a very status-symbol type place, but I know we can get something in a really good location that’s a better fit for our lifestyle.

        • rosie

          Stop talking to them about it and do what’s best for you (and selling it seems like a good call to me!).

    • Chicago_nowburbs

      You’re very sane and practical. Your husband bought a town-house that fit his life before he met and made plans with you. On a personal note, my husband and I started married life in a condo I had purchased before I met him. Despite having his name on the condo deed (as we negotiated pre-marriage) he never felt as much at home there as he does now, in our SFH. Also, the financial side is huge. We up-sized when we bought the house and, while it was the right decision for us, the decrease in disposable income was tough to take.

    • anon

      Not insane at all! It sounds like you’re making a smart decision to leave a property that isn’t working for you. I’m sort of blown away that a townhouse would cost so much more than a SFH!

      • C

        Townhouses are like that in my area because they’re as OP described- new construction with a lot of square footage, open floor plans, and all the desirable shiny new bells and whistles. There’s also a lot of people who are willing to pay that much for them because they want to have the space and the modern styles but not a yard. I looked into buying earlier this year and realized I could easily get a slightly smaller, older (but still nice by any standard, not a fixer-upper!) house for $300k or a shiny new townhouse nearby for $500k.
        Do what’s right for you OP! Your family will find something else to focus on soon enough and having the flexibility of saving/investing one of your incomes will feel soooo good!

      • Anonymous

        Location has a lot to do with it. There aren’t a lot of SFHs close to town but there are a lot of luxury THs. They attract young professionals who want to be close to work/shopping/bars but don’t want to take care of a yard or a big house or deal with the problems of an older house.

      • OP HouseHunter

        C nailed it. Exactly right. That also described why my husband bought it. He didn’t want a yard, but wanted a new, modern home.

    • Owl Lover

      yeah, why should they care?? Live how you want. Don’t let their negativity get you down. A bathtub maters more to some people.

      • OP HouseHunter

        I love baths. I can take showers, obviously, but it’s just one of those annoying things about this place that I can’t shake. And renovating isn’t really an option because there’s no place to put a tub.

    • Vicky Austin

      Don’t listen to your relatives! They don’t know your life. You did your time to try not to hate it and you have lots of concrete reasons why it wouldn’t be a good idea even if you loved it heart and soul. Keep on keepin’ on. And bathtubs are very important, for the record.

    • Anonymous

      I would just stop talking to them about it. If you must, then use finances as the sole reason for the move; your 3, 4, and 5 are too easy to argue with (not that it’s their business) but the finances part is pretty cut and dry.

      Is it his family that’s giving you pushback? It sounds like your husband made a poor financial decision – if the house requires both incomes then idk how he was paying for it on his own. Maybe his family is in denial that this was a bad decision on his part?

      • OP HouseHunter

        His parents are in denial about the finances part. They helped him with the advising aspect of the purchase because his family is heavily involved in finance/tax/real estate industries (IMO not worth it to mix family and finances but that’s what my husband chose to do.) And basically, before he met me, his expenses were low (cheap hobbies), so I guess he didn’t think it mattered that the payment was like 45% of his take home pay, because he always had plenty left over for all the other things he wanted to do. And he planned on getting a roommate, but then he met me, and I became the roommate!

        • lawsuited

          I guess if his family were involved in the choosing the TH that explains why they are emotionally invested in him keeping the TH. But obviously, paying a premium to be unhappy makes no sense at all and you’re doing the right thing by moving. Accept that you won’t win them over with logic, and limit conversation about it. Once you’re happy in your new SFH and the TH is in the review mirror, they’ll get over it.

    • Suburban

      When the negativity starts just reiterate that you’re very excited to purchase a home together that reflects your needs as a couple! Good luck in the house hunt!

      • Anon

        This. I spent NINE YEARS living in the home my husband bought before we married. I never liked it, and it never, ever felt like “our” place.

    • CPA Lady

      “Am I insane?”

      Uh, no, you’re making really good financial (and personal comfort) decisions. I’m guessing your relatives would not be there to pick up the pieces if something happened and you couldn’t afford your fancy giant townhouse anymore.

    • Senior Attorney

      I think it sounds like a smart decision. And maybe the relatives need to be on a need-to-know basis if they can’t keep civil tongues in their heads.

    • How exciting!

      Um, can I be you? That sounds amazing. Do it yesterday.

      We downsized and the financial freedom is absolutely worth it. We also happened to do it as we did the Kon Mari method, so moving/the new place/etc. all brought immense amounts of joy. It was the best!

    • anon

      Agreeing with everyone else – you are not insane.
      You are making a decision with your spouse that you are both comfortable with.
      No idea why friends and family would be “horrified” – but it isn’t their money to spend.
      I can’t tell you how many people I know that have a house payment that slurps up most of their after-tax income leaving them to put everything else on credits cards.

    • Anonymous

      This is one of those times in life when I feel like memorizing a one-line response is the way to go. “We are happy with our decision to find a new place that works for us better.” “I love just being an aunt right now.” “I had a medical issue that has since been resolved.”

      Memorizing a sentence that puts a lid on a conversation that you don’t want to have makes it easier becuase you don’t have to think during a moment when your emotions are screaming.

      • Winter

        I’d suggest framing the move as an upgrade and leaving your finances out of it! If you’re mentioning that the new place will be cheaper, maybe the disappointment you’re reading on peoples faces is a form of “commiserating” that you’re giving up the fancy, shiny, place for something less expensive. They may think your circumstances are forcing you into a downgrade (as opposed to deliberately making a smart economic choice). Focus on how excited you are to be moving into a single family home, how nice it will be to have a yard, etc. I.e., project the excitement that you want them to reflect back.

    • Scarlett

      At some point, you just have to NGAF what anyone else thinks and do what you think is right for your life. You don’t need someone else’s permission or approval to make the right choices for you. Haters gonna hate. Congrats on getting a place you and your H like.

    • Trish

      I would never want to live in one of those townhouses. Given the choice, we bought a smaller and older home with character over some of the new construction houses that we looked at. You do you.

  4. Anonymous

    Gift ideas needed for ME. I can shop for myself all day long, but it’s hard to give someone some more general ideas, especially at the right price point. My MIL is great about “i want X” and will get it. What do I ask for? Her budget is probably $150 or so split across a few gifts. What are you wanting this season I could suggest?

    • anon

      Fancy candles, a Tile tracker, a set of mixing bowls, a pair of $30 earrings, Becoming, ceramic travel mugs, fun fancy food, upgraded kitchen items (like a specific pan), slippers, gloves, hat, plants or potted flower.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1 to upgraded kitchen stuff. I want really, really nice rimmed baking sheets.

        • C

          You might already have specific ones in mind, but if you need a rec, the Nordicware Big Sheet baking pan is hands-down the best kitchen thing I have ever owned. I have 2, use at least one of them nearly every day of the week, and I’m thinking about asking for another. They do not warp, clean easily, and cook evenly.

          • pugsnbourbon

            Thanks for the rec! I am extremely lazy so most of my cooking is “throw it on a sheet pan and roast it.”

    • Anon for this

      No specific ideas but an Amazon wishlist is great for this – Anything that I might buy for myself then I put it on the wishlist. There’s even a bookmarklet that you can use to add things from other sites to your Amazon wishlist.

      • NOLA

        Yep, I throw a lot of things I’m just thinking about on to my Amazon wishlist, including things I’ve taken the time to research (like replacement grates for my infrared grill) or a replacement for something that broke and I haven’t replaced yet (like my 8 cup Pyrex batter bowl). I don’t really mean it for anybody but me, but it’s great for when someone asks what I want.

    • Anonymous

      Theatre or concert tickets. In my MCOL area, $150 would get you a pair of pretty good seats to a touring musical production or rock concert, or super duper seats at the symphony or ballet.

    • nom

      Mittens, immersion blender, dishwasher-safe coffee thermos, earrings, throw pillows, fancy cheeses.

    • Rainbow Hair

      I just put on my Amazon wishlist:
      – indulgent jammies
      – paint that’s more dollars than i should spend on paint but that i really want
      – a journal
      – a tote bag
      – expensive hair products

      • OP

        Yes! One year I asked for a fancy hairbrush. It took my mom an occasion or two to be willing to spend $100 on a hairbrush but then she remembered that that is what gifts are for sometimes–getting someone something they can’t quite bring themselves to buy for themselves :).

        • anon

          .. is it a magic hair brush? Not trying to be snarky, I’m really curious about what it does! For that much money I expect to come out looking like Beyonce. Each time. My face, too.

          • Anon

            Where do I buy this hairbrush? The one that makes me look like Beyoncé. In the face too. Let’s throw in body while we’re at it.

          • Magic Brush

            I think it’s magic! :) It’s the Frederic Fekkai natural bristle brush with plastic bristles mixed in. Looks like “Raincry” may have bought out their brush line, though. The Raincry Restore Large Reinforced Brush at Nordstrom looks just like the one I have. I wanted it for getting the oils at my scalp down to the ends of my hair–especially for second and third day blown out hair.

    • anon

      I would love a Block Shop Textiles scarf. They are gorgeous and unique and a great company. Right in your price range.

    • anon a mouse

      A nice houseplant (or several), plus a nice pot for it
      Fancy spices/salts/vinegars
      A magazine subscription (Vanity Fair? Cook’s Illustrated? etc)
      A Staub dutch oven

  5. Draper James

    Has anyone tried Draper James clothes? I’m usually not a celebrity brand shopper, but I know that Reese Witherspoon is short in real life and her clothes seem to fit her (so they might fit me). I

    • Anonymous

      I have. Very good quality. I really like the dresses.They show off your curves and a lot have sleeves. I am 5’6” weight 120 and take a 4. I think its better to by from Dillards website then Drapers. Return policyis more flexible.

  6. Anon

    I never caught the Tory Burch fever. I don’t know why, maybe I’m a few years older than the target demo. I remember a time when every 20 something woman in my office was wearing those flats with the giant T logo. Are those dead, finally?

    • Ellen

      I still love Tory Burch! I was just out of law school and all of a sudden all of the pretty women in NYC were wearing Tory Burch. I had to get in on it and I did, still having alot of accessories and shoes. They look a little religius, but there not and Tory loves people who favor her brand. Now that Ivanka’s stuff is harder to find, I find myself looking alot more at Tory Burch and Ralph Lauren, as some guys really like me in Ralph Lauren stuff too. YAY!!!

    • cbackson

      I remember my Jr League orientation 6 years ago – literally close to 50% of the women in the room had those on. I don’t think I’ve seen anybody in ATL wear them in at least 2 years.

    • C2

      Yes. I detest in-your-face branding, and thankfully the scrunch-back logo flat seems to be dead for now. That said, my favorite wedges and one of my fav pumps are Tory Burch, but they are un-logoed. I also carry the Tory Burch York bag. They make some decent stuff.

    • Anonymous

      My 45 year old sister in Orange County still wears them basically every day.

    • anon

      I’ve been watching it. Some episodes have been spot-on and perfect; in others, I kind of want to smack Emet for being so self-centered. As long as you look at it as a parody (or extreme example) of the working-mom experience, it’s enjoyable. There was one episode on emotional labor and mom guilt that really helped my DH “see” it in a way that I haven’t been able to explain.

      Also, don’t learn professional norms from this show. ;)

    • Couldn't Suspend My Disbelief

      I saw the first episode and disliked it. It seems like … a mean spirited exploration of inane and self-centered “feminine” concerns. Possible SPOILER for the episode ahead: The 30-something woman feels insecure, so she goes to work and asks your young male nerd colleagues if they find her sexy … I think they reassure her that she’s totally doable? Like, I quit watching because what woman cares if her colleagues think she has a nice rear-end? In what world would you encourage these young geeky men who you happen to work with to look at you this way? HAHAHAHA, nope, door slams behind me as I exit rapidly.

      • Couldn't Suspend My Disbelief

        I was waiting for Harold to try to bend her over the desk, Bob to send her inappropriate texts, Rudy to leave a weird stalker/serial killer note on her car and spy on her from behind the bushes, and John’s wife to report her to HR for flirting with him and making him uncomfortable. Alas, they all learned wholesome lessons instead.

  8. Leatty

    DH and I are headed to Montreal and Mont Tremblant over the holidays. I’m starting to plan our itinerary, and I’d like to come up with a list of activities to do and restaurants to visit. So far, I have the following for Montreal:

    Restaurants (Montreal): Escondite, Tiradito, Burger Bar Crescent, Le Cartet, L’Avenue
    Activities (Montreal): Explore Old Montreal/Underground City (including Notre Dame Basilica); Montreal Museum of Archaeology and History; ice skating at Bonsecours Basin; tubing at Mont Royal

    I’ve booked ski lessons/rentals/lift tickets for Mont Tremblant, but otherwise haven’t done any planning.

    Any suggestions for either place?

    • BB

      We’re going to Montreal too! :) I stole a couple of your restaurant ideas. This is probably our 5th or 6th visit, but there’s always something new every time. My favorite food things are: L’Express, Fairmount bagels (strongly prefer over St. Viateur), and the Jean Talon market.

      Question for the hive: For skating, is there a a cool skating path you would recommend? Not a rink, but a cool ice trail through some woods or similar?

    • Canadienne

      I think my suggestions would be very dependent on where you’re coming from and your comfort with both French and true cold weather. Montreal is no joke in the Winter (and I say that as an Ottawa resident).

      • BB

        Not to hijack this thread, but what would you recommend for someone that LOVES cold weather and has beginner to intermediate French?

      • Leatty

        Sooo…we’re coming from Florida. I’ve lived in slightly colder climates (north GA) and spent some time in NY in the winter, but this will be the coldest place we’ve ever been. I’m not at all opposed to outdoor activities in the cold, and we have stockpiled cold weather clothing so we are relatively comfortable.

        As for language, I’m afraid neither of us speaks French (only some Spanish and German).

        • Anonymous

          I went to Montreal this fall speaking no French at all (other than “Bonjour” and “Merci”.) Most waiters, shopkeepers, etc. were able to switch to English with no problem, and were very kind and accommodating of us.

    • Ellen

      Leatty, it sound’s like you already did alot of reserch, so unless there is a member of the HIVE from Montreal that is reading, we really can’t improve much on what you have already done. I remember that when I was in Montreal year’s ago when I was a college senior, we took a trip there and there was a very nice street on a hill in downtown old Montreal that was very quaint, and there were alot of bars there that Dad did NOT want me to go in. I do not know just how old you are, but they seemed very cute to me, as a 22 year old college senior. You may want to go a bit more upscale now that you are married, but then again, mabye not! In any event, have a great time there and we in the HIVE will be thinking of you as you enjoy your holiday with your husband! YAY!!!!

    • Equestrian Attorney

      I find l’Avenue kind of overrated and you will have to wait in line forever. For brunch in the area, I would go to La Petite Adresse, Butterblume, Les Enfants Terribles, Lawrence, Café Beaufort, Santa Monica, Salmigondis… or Beauty’s or Bagels Etc (Leonard Cohen used to go!) if you want a classic dinner experience. Le Cartet is nice. Other options in Old Port include Graziella, Brit & Chips, or Toqué if you want an excellent high end experience (it’s cheaper for lunch). I really like Bota Bota (it’s a spa on a boat, and yes it’s still fun in the winter). I would also spend some time in the Plateau/Mile End area (cute independent boutiques – combine with your trip to the Mont Royal and get a bagel at Fairmount or high tea at Cardinal). I like Atwater market and the surrounding area as well, and Jean Talon market is also popular.

      • Mtl bagel

        Fellow Montrealer here and I must say, Equestrian Attorney, you just listed my favorite brunch places in Mtl: Lawrence, Butterblume, Salmigondis, la petite adresse and café Beaufort! I also love Patrice Pâtissier and rhubarbe.
        For dinner in the old Mtl, I also love Serpent and I really want to try Monarque.

        I must say Equestrian Attorney that you have the same tastes as me: we might even have cross path!

    • Anonymous

      I like the Fairmont at Mt Tremblant. So nice to hang out in the pool area and watch the skiiers come down the hill.

    • K

      I went to Tremblant in college – it’s so beautiful! I was priced out of most of the restaurants, but I remember having a nice time walking around the village and going to the Casino.

    • Anon

      If you like Italian Coco Pazzo Restaurant (not the take out place) in Mont-Tremblant is very good. I would also recommend trying a beaver tail at least once, so good.

    • Shananana

      Check out Candide in Montreal – they do a five course chef’s tasting for around $60 that was so so good. Do not be worried at all about the french, everyone we spoke to spoke english to some degree and was very accomodating to our terrible french.

    • Never too many shoes...

      OP, if you are exploring the Old Port and you like clothes, I would recommend a stop at Delano Design Boutique. I just adore that place.

      Also, the Scandinave Spa at Tremblant is beautiful and so relaxing. Outdoor thermal baths in a Canadian winter are something to experience.

    • Anonymous

      If you’ll be in Mont Tremblant, Palette de Bine has some phenomenal chocolate – bean to bar and baked goods. (I have a knack for finding great chocolate whenever I visit a new place. Leaves me with a list of recommendations)

  9. Anonymous

    Does it look silly to ski in outerwear designed for snowboarding? Will anyone even notice?

    • Vicky Austin

      Designed for snowboarding, meaning jacket covered in a neon pink snowboard-shape print?

      Otherwise, good lord no. Nobody will blink. (Unless you mean the boots; pretty sure those are not interchangeable.)

      • Anonymous

        Designed for snowboarding meaning baggier silhouette, brand marketed at snowboarders. Think Roxy and similar.

        • Vicky Austin

          Right, my point was that short of a print of snowboards on a jacket or something, no branding/marketing/styling is so obvious that it excludes one or the other.

      • anon

        The boots are definitely not interchangeable. The clothing might be slightly more or less geared towards the types of movements required for each, but it has always struck me as more of a style choice than a function choice.

      • turttorney

        No. I know exactly what you mean and if you look at the “cool” skiiers these days you’ll see they also wear the baggy, extra long jackets, etc. signed, a 20-something former snowboarder now skiier :)

  10. anon

    Here’s a fun Friday question: How did you meet your spouse? Inspired by a not-so-fun Thursday night break up. I’m sort of barely sad about the breakup (he is a great guy in person and on paper but there was a missing spark) but I am SO TIRED of being single and it makes me sad to face being single again. I meet my ex BF of three years on Tinder in 2013 so I’m not opposed to online dating but have meet very few good candidates online in the past two years. I’m also not opposed to dating men who have been married and/or who have children but it did feel kind of great to date someone else who is my age (36) and hasn’t been married or had kids. So, how did you do it? Or what suggestions do you have for meeting eligible guys in their mid to late 30s or early 40s?

    • Anonymous

      At work.

      And I know someone who met her spouse on match b/c even though they lived a block away in Old Town had never met in person.

    • Curly

      I’m divorced and met my ex in high school. I met my current boyfriend at a dinner party. We haven’t been dating long but are stupid crazy about each other. I think one thing that helped this happen was that I have made a huge effort to make and sustain friendships with single people. We’re constantly having or attending different social events where we invite other friends who are also single.

      Before him, most of the guys I met were through dating apps. I’ve been out with more than one guy who I knew from some other context (through friends, etc.) but we didn’t go out until we saw each other on an app. Maybe it depends on where you are or your normal crowd, but it seems like most of my friends meet men on the apps. Otherwise, I think you just have to get involved with some activity that you enjoy and hope to find like-minded single people through those activities. Running groups, live music shows, rock climbing, etc. I know some people who have met through that type of activity, and others who have met through completely random chance, like that they were in the same restaurant at the same time.

      • Anon

        Through a very persistent and pushy mutual friend who thought we would be good for each other.

        She has a whole stable of nerdy 30-something men – mostly never married, all childless, all want kids – whom she’s trying to get fixed up.

        • Anonymous

          I agree, please tell us what city! Or her email :) – I’ll happily talk to all of her nerdy men who want children to see if there’s a spark!

        • Anon

          Atlanta, Charlotte, a few others.

          If anyone wants a runner/engineer, I think I would give a kidney to see one of my best friends find someone.

    • cbackson

      I’m not married, but all my recent boyfriends have been guys I met cycling. Male-dominated hobbies FTW (at least in this respect…the male domination of the sport is annoying in many other ways).

      • Anonymous

        When I was single I golfed b/c that is what I thought men did. Nothing came of it other than golf (but it got me off of my couch).

        • Anon

          I laughed out loud at this – there are zero eligible bachelors at my country club (I am single) but I’ve golfed all my life and in college, so I golf for me. I meet tons of great network contacts there, though. I do also cycle, and have actually met guys that way, but I don’t compete.

        • NOLA

          My stepmother met her new guy golfing! My Dad died 5 years ago and she started golfing with a guy who was also widowed. They’re really enjoying it. We get to meet him at Christmas.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes, my husband is an avid cyclist and although that’s not how we met, there are multiple couples in our circle who got together that way.

        • cbackson

          There are LOTS of single men who get into cycling in their mid 30s or later. At my age (38), I’m basically the prime dating demographic for cyclists in ATL. Lots of single guys aged 35-50, some with kids/prior marriages, some without. The upside is that they’re all active, generally fairly socially adept (since most people are into group riding), and they don’t freak out when I tell them how many bikes I have. The downside is that sometimes it’s hard to move the convo beyond bike racing…

          • Senior Attorney

            The first thing I learned when I started hanging out with cyclists is that appropriate number of bikes to own. Which is N+1, where N equals the number of bikes you currently own.

    • Anonymous

      Match.com – I had a crappy crappy experience on the dating apps, but it doesnt work until it works. Maybe try to go for one that isnt more hook-up focused?
      Amusingly – we went to the same high school, but he was 3 years behind me – we just celebrated 6 years together, 2.5 years of those married.

      • OP

        Maybe I should give Match another try. I *hated* it when I was on it in my late 20s and haven’t felt like the new apps (I can only handle one at a time–currently Bumble) are all hook-up focused, even though they have that reputation. It has helped knock back the hook-up requests to put a line in my profile that I’m “looking for something meaningful.”
        Congrats on the 6-year anniversary :).

        • Anonymous

          Thanks! The dating process was absolutely terrible – but – eventually one of them works out :-)

          Good luck!

      • Scarlett

        Similar, I met my H on OK Cupid. 2014, in a major city. I liked that they did the questions plus a profile – I preferred having a lot of data to look for flags ahead of meeting someone. Met a lot of great people on that site, quite a few BFs before my H. No idea if people are still using it.

    • Anon for this

      Another vote for dating apps. I don’t date anyone from work (I’m in a niche field and the world is very small) and all my friends are married with kids, as are their friends, etc. I’m divorced with a kid. I had assumed that I would mostly date other divorced parents but instead I seem to be mostly reeling in ready-to-settle-down types. In NYC, I’ve had better luck with Bumble though I met one really spectacular and non-skeevy guy, who I’m seeing now, through Tinder.

      The apps suck though and are a huge time suck and are demoralizing. I wish I had a better answer for you, and for me.

      • OP

        Ha! I’m one of those read-to-settle-down types you’re dating… but where are the men like that?? Unfortunately a move to NYC is not in the cards.
        And, thank you for the acknowledgment that the apps are sucky, a time suck, and demoralizing. I’m so tired of them but it’s the only way I’ve come up with to be proactive about finding a partner.
        I do like Curly’s suggestion about putting an effort into socializing with other single people. My friend pool currently consists of almost entirely of marrieds (mostly with children, or working on it). I could definitely put a bigger focus on finding more single friends.

        • Curly

          I agree with all this about the apps– demoralizing and so time-intensive. I think that the “good” apps are so location dependent. Match was a wasteland in my area. Most everyone in my southern city is on Bumble or Tinder, which aren’t completely focused on hook ups here (though you can find that if you want). One strategy I tried that helped was that I signed up for Bumble Boost for a month and then only looked at the guys who’d already swiped on me. That way I wasn’t swiping through endless random guys who may or may not be interested. Also I could control the pace of matching and only match with a couple guys at a time. If those didn’t pan out, I’d match with a couple more. Plus it eliminated the demoralizing aspect of feeling like I was swiping right constantly and no one liked me.

          • OP

            I did that once before (upgrade the apps–Tinder and Bumble) and it definitely made it more bearable. Might be time to do it again.

          • January

            I would recommend using a paid site or a paid version of an app. I happened to meet someone I like on Match, but whatever app you are using, I think it’s wise to try to find a way to narrow the field to matches with actual potential.

    • Anonymous

      I met mine at a volunteer event for a community service organization (think Rotary or Jaycees). He was in his early 30s at the time.

      • Senior Attorney

        High five for Rotary! I first met my husband a few years ago when we were both appearing in the same court. I was married to somebody then and we were just professional acquaintances, then I got transferred to a different location and didn’t see him again until several years later at Rotary. By then I was divorced and the rest is history!

    • kiwi

      I met DH at your age! I had just gotten an email calling off a 4th date from a dude I thought was pretty cool (who I had met on match). To distract myself I went to a boardgame meetup, where I met a really cute guy who I later married and had kids with.

      • OP

        Thanks for the words of encouragement. I realized today that I am the oldest single person I know. Fun.

        • Senior Attorney

          I managed to find husbands at 26, 41, and 59. Be of good cheer! Age is just a number!

          Also? Hugs! Breakups are hard.

    • Anonymous

      Co-Ed social athletic team. I was in one team, he in another. Friends for awhile, now married 10 years.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yep. I met my last husband on Match in, like, 1996-97. We actually were featured on their web site for a while as a success story. Heh.

    • Leatty

      I met my husband on Match. I was pretty aggressive on the website – I messaged anyone who looked interesting (including my husband), and insisted on meeting for coffee or a drink after messaging a few times. I met my husband within the first couple months, and we have been together 6+ years. If I hadn’t taken the initiative, I never would have met him because he hardly used Match and we didn’t have the same social circles.

      • Anonymous

        +1, I met mine on okcupid. I searched for my necessary criteria and methodically worked my way down the list, messaging every guy who I though was attractive and didn’t have any weird red flags in their profile. Not romantic at all, but my husband was not very active and would never have messaged me had I not sent him a message first. I agree with the other comments that it can be a time suck, don’t waste time overanalyzing someone’s profile or pictures. If they look ok, send them a message and see what happens.

      • Anon

        I’m the 20+ year match made above. I agree with being aggressive. I know what I like and those were not the men who were approaching me, so I approached men I thought I’d like and I had better success with that.

        I got a lot of hits because there weren’t as many women on match as there were men back then. Yes, there were men looking to serially date or hook up, and I wasn’t completely opposed to casual flings, but I really wanted a boyfriend type of relationship – not necessarily serious but monogamous and a reliable Saturday night date. I was also not interested in the men who were just looking to finally settle down with a woman of childbearing age (I was 33 at the time)

        The man who is my husband of almost 19 years ignored one email from me, answered the follow up, then let the conversation drop after 3-4 back and forths. I finally talked him into meeting me and it was pretty electric for both of us, but truthfully more for him, which is pretty funny given how hard I had to push.

        I’m still pushy and he’s still shy but the sparks are still there too.

        If i have one piece of advice for you it is to take some risks. Go on dates with guys who may not be your type. Message people first. Put yourself out there. The worst that can happen is a bad date.

        • Em

          I really agree with taking some risks. I had some ridiculous criteria for boyfriends in my early 20’s. By my mid-20’s I decided to say yes to everything (meaning all invitations, even if they weren’t something I would typically attend) and to everyone who asked me out (absent them being scary). I went on a couple bad dates, but my current husband would not have met my ridiculous criteria, and I would have screened out a great catch. FWIW, I had to find him on FB and initiate the conversation.

    • Em

      At a NYE party hosted by my sister and her husband. Her husband was lazily setting us up, in that he invited my now-husband and knew I was going to be there. I brought a male friend with me and my now-husband thought I was dating him and left early. I connected with him on FB afterward when I found out it was a low-key set up because I thought he was cute.

    • Anononymous

      Through friends. A good friend knew my husband casually and he showed up in some of her social media photos. I told her I thought he was cute and she arranged for us to meet.

    • Anon

      At a bar! I was having a drink with a friend and he introduced himself and invited us to come hang out with him and his friends.

      I’m late 30s, no kids, living in the city, with lots of single friends, and most people meet partners through Tinder/Bumble/Coffee Meets Bagel or something like a weekly trivia night or loose group of sports fans who all turn up at the same bar to watch a particular team.

    • Anon

      In the law school placement office. This may be a useful story: I had a roommate with a student assistant job in the law school placement office at our university. As a 4th year undergraduate, she had lots of dates from this gig. It was the 1990’s pre-cell phone, and the office was a high traffic area since there was a phone in the back where law students could place free long-distance calls. Roommate graduates; I inherit job. Four weeks into it, I consider the fact that not one date has happened for me. Walking to the law school, I literally sized up the differences in the two of us: sure, she was marginally better looking but I was probably smarter and had a less pronounced Southern accent. The real difference is that she was TONS friendlier and more approachable. I could not replicate her personality but decided to greet every person who entered the office from my post at the reception desk with a simple hello. I met my husband that day. I’m terrible at flirting with strangers and do not think it is necessary. However, saying hello or making eye contact goes a LONG way.

      • Ellen

        I love this comment! Your friend is like my sister, cuter, and outgoing. I will never be cuter, but I can be more outgoing. I am a lot like the other OPs on this thread, but my experience is that ost men want us just for our body part’s. When I meet a guy somewhere and he says we should “connect”, that is manspeak for having s-x, which should NOT be the first thing you do with him. FOOEY on that! My ex always wanted that, but I figured out that the s-x was a tool to get to move in with me and have him live here, drink here and have s-x here. No more of that for me! I want a REAL man, if they are out there in NYC, show me! YAY!!!!

    • lawsuited

      I was sitting next to my husband on a train that broke down, was stopped on the tracks for 3 hours, and we got to talking…

    • Anonymous

      Met DH at a friend of a friend’s party junior year of college, he lived next door and was friendly with same friend of friend. He came right up to me and started talking to me, I knew no one there but my friend. We didn’t talk again for several years, when we matched on Tinder.

    • Anon

      A few single girlfriends and I (who used to go out a lot with a big group that included a lot of guys) decided to ditch our normal group and go out just us – no couples, no guys. We called up a guy friend who was not in our regular friend group and told him to bring all the guys he knew out to a bar. He brought his softball team, and my (future, at the time) husband was on that team.

      I’ve actually seen quite a few couples pair off this way – mixing different groups of friends at a bar, sporting event, beach party, etc.

      Good luck!

  11. Anon for this

    Ladies who are successfully dieting – how do you plan your weekends, especially if you eat out or are out of the house often? I swear I’ve been on a diet since I was 9 and I only just realized that Fri/Sat/Sun are 3 days out of 7. Sigh.

    • Anonymous

      Maybe it isnt a diet youre looking for? It sounds like a rigid plan doesnt work for you(it doesnt work for most people).

    • Senior Attorney

      If I’m going out I find the restaurant menu online and plan what I’m going to order. Which is generally, like, an appetizer instead of an entree and maybe one glass of wine. *sigh*

      • NOLA

        Agreed about planning what to order. Last time I went out, it was with my friend who is also dieting. We both ordered this fabulous salad with fruit and grilled fish and just had the dressing on the side. It was sooooo good and we didn’t feel bad at all.

    • Fadedsunrise

      I eat out quite a lot, maybe 4/7 days a week I will buy a meal out. I’ve successfully lost about 12% body fat and 20 lbs, and while I recognize that if I stopped eating out I could lose the other 5-10 lbs that keep me from picture perfect shape, eating out a lot is a function of driving to court several mornings in a row and not being willing to bring a cooler.

      The catch is for my meals out I limit myself to the following foods: dressed down chipotle (chicken or steak with rice, beans, all the salsas, no cheese no sour cream), poke bowls, japanese/asian bentos, or salads. If it’s a place that comes with tons of rice, I either save or toss half. If it’s a kabab place that also comes with pita, I tell them to skip it.

      I also do just a protein smoothie or bar for breakfast most days, and eat dinner no later than 6pm most days. I work out 4 days a week and found that dieting more dramatically was making me extremely fatigued, so this is a pace I’m comfortable sustaining.

    • Anon

      I’m not great at this always, but when I’m being disciplined I do things like order burrito bowls instead of burritos, no cheese (I usually stick with no cheese to be honest, it doesn’t agree with me), no bread or rolls at the table, and no pasta. A typical meal out would be an entree salad with meat. I also skip pre made dressings and ask for olive oil and lemon juice or balasamic vinegar. I can make a salad taste way better by just adding oil and vinegar/lemon plus salt and pepper.

      The type of cuisine is important, too. Sushi is a great meal to have out as long as you avoid those giant kitchen-sink rolls that aren’t really authentic sushi anyway. Chinese and Mexican food are really difficult choices for finding anything healthy. And of course there is nothing good at fast food.

      I know portion control is important too, but I am fine with eating basically unlimited vegetables and a large piece of lean protein, as long as they are simply grilled or in a salad.

    • Anonymous

      I’m not sure if this is what you’re looking for or not, but I’m going to throw this out there. What you said about being on a diet since you’re 9 really resonated with me because I was the same way. And isn’t that sort of the answer right there? That diets don’t work. A couple of years ago I started seeing a nutritionist who specializes in intuitive eating. It sounds cheesy but I swear she’s helped me heal my relationship with food, in a really healthy way. And I don’t weigh myself anymore but from the way my clothes fit I can tell I’m roughly the same size as I always was but I feel so much better (physically and mentally). I know she works with clients remotely and has online courses as well – I’d be happy to pass along her name if you’re interested.

  12. Anon

    Recently I asked for a raise. I am overqualified for my job, and slightly underpaid for the job but certainly underpaid according to my qualifications. I really LIKE my job. And, for the most part, I like all the things that come with it, including the office environment, location relative to my house, my colleagues, etc. But, my direct senior colleague is not very nice (and he is indeed much more senior). I’m also starting to explore applying for other jobs, and recently saw one that looks great. There’s no harm in applying for other jobs, right? If they do give me a raise, great – and then is it bad to still leave if I get another (better) offer?

    • anon

      The only person who cares about your career is you. There are basically no employers out there that care about you, your career, whether or not you are being paid fairly as much as you do. Because of this, you have to advocate for yourself, and you have to make decisions about what is best for you, regardless of what is best for your employer.

      -There is no harm in applying for other jobs.
      -It is totally fine to quit for a better opportunity even if they give you a raise. This is not a personal relationship, it is a business relationship.
      -They would fire you in an instant if it were in their best interests. It’s not a personal decision, it’s a business decision.
      -We aren’t working because it’s a fun hobby. We’re working to earn money. If someone doesn’t pay you well, eff ’em and move on. It’s really short sighted of companies to not pay market rates.

    • Anonymous

      All kinds of good reasons to job hunt. It’s a form of networking, will give you a sense of whether you could be better off/perspective, whether you are paid competitively, gives you negotiating leverage in case you want to take an offer back to your current org. It’s not bad to leave if you get a better offer.

    • CHL

      There is never any harm in applying for other jobs. Ever. It’s good to just learn more about how other companies set up their stuff and be comfortable talking about your accomplishments. And no, if you get a better offer (money in addition to great environment like you have today), don’t feel bad about leaving. (But also if you have a weird boss that tries to make you promise that if they get you the money you’ll never leave, don’t say that and then leave). We work for money! It should not be a surprise to them!

    • Anonymous

      Right, there is definitely no harm in applying, and it is not bad to leave if you get a better offer elsewhere.

  13. Job interview clothes

    I’m interviewing for a staff attorney job next week. I’m currently 9th year in biglaw. A dress + non-matching blazer is not appropriate, right? I need to wear a real suit? I mostly wear sheath dress + non-matching blazer for all client meetings these days (I’m not a litigator).

    • Curly

      Sorry, but I think you must wear a real suit. The only time I would not wear a suit to an atty job interview is if I knew completely without a doubt that I would look like I didn’t understand the culture at that specific company.

    • anon

      Yes, I would wear a suit. At a minimum–if you really prefer dresses–maybe a suiting dress and its matching blazer. When it comes to attorney interviews my party-line is “black skirt suit with black hose, black pumps, and a plain top.” I know there are extenuating circumstances and this is relaxing a bit, but I wouldn’t push the envelope in an interview.

    • Anon

      I actually think you’re fine with suiting separates that complement rather than compete. For example black suiting dress with grey suiting blazer – nothing says a suite has to be the exact same pattern, just stick to darker interview type colors and suiting separates – ex. blacks, navy blues, greys.

  14. Help me!!!!

    SOS!!! I spilled coffee on the 100% jute rug belonging to my boyfriend’s friend who is generously letting me crash at her place! The tag says “professional cleaning recommended” – do I run out to Lowe’s and rent a spot cleaner? Try my luck with white vinegar? Put together a list of professional cleaners and send the friend money?

    • Anonymous

      Seems like the internet suggests using water and mild detergent to spot clean it. Did you try that? If it needs more care than that I think you need to ask the owner how they clean it/what their preferred method would be and do that.

    • anon

      I would start with google searches for the specific type of rug. Then straight water and blot, blot, blot. Depending on the google search results, a spot cleaner will probably get it done if water doesn’t get it up.

  15. Anonymous

    I work for a small-ish law firm of around 90 people, spread over a few offices throughout the U.S. The mindset tends to be a bit old school (lots of older white men in control), but is recently beginning to recognize that this is an issue and trying to address it. The firm is seeking to start some sort of women’s initiative for the ~25 or so women in the firm, but this is complicated by the women being spread out among 6-7 offices and the fact that we’ve never done this before. I was approached today by senior leader for some ideas and perspectives. Does anyone have experience with what types of events / initiatives work well in this vein? The firm convenes annually in the spring for an annual meeting, but otherwise the offices do not really get together to socialize, so proximity is a pretty big hurdle. Ideas for things we could do remotely to form some cohesion among the women in our firm, or for types of events that might work well for the annual meeting? I think a mix of social activities and/or gatherings where we discuss specific topics would be great, but I have no ideas on specifics. Thanks, all!

    • Anon

      A women’s initiative is a great start, but if you’re trying to change mindsets to permeate and change the culture of the firm, it’s useless without the men being involved, like speaking to an echo chamber. A firm I worked with did a “diversity conference” which, as lame as it sounds, brought together firm leaders, men and women, to discuss firm culture and issues in forum followed by round table discussion. Was far more interesting and got the men really talking honestly about approaches to firm culture and gender issues – what was really helpful were those “old white male” senior attorneys that spoke about how, like actual proactive ways, they fight gender and other bias in staffing cases and deals, how they seek mentorships of both genders, promote gender neutral networking events, and personal experiences with how gender discrimination impacts the work place (it was shocking how many partners were angry on behalf of their own lawyer wives or lawyer daughters at the discrimination they faced in the workplace, personal experience really made them think hard about how they approach their work). Was also helpful that questions for the forum were pick out of a hat anonymous and the firm leaders put forth for the forum didn’t have a strong imbalance of power – there were super star senior associates and rain makers – both men and women, and the firm’s chairman was not on the panel (no one would ever contradict him).

    • ATL rette

      I work for a national company with offices country-wide. We’re doing an all-women conference call in a few weeks to talk about “mindfulness” and ways to ease stress specifically focused towards women in the finance industry. Not really sure how that will work, but you could implement something similar? Maybe have more experienced women share their career paths and challenges/opportunities and allow younger women to ask questions? Mentorship opportunities?

  16. Fadedsunrise

    Office gift etiquette 2018 update? I searched the comments the best I could and the most recent information I found was from 2013.

    Background: I’m a third year associate who’s 5 months into a new job. It’s with a small to medium sized CA insurance defense firm, at a newer branch office where everyone has been here less than 2 years, the partners included. I share “my” assistant with 2 senior associates, one 10+ years, one approximately 5 years. I’ve gone through 2.5 assistant since starting – one was let go and I briefly had coverage from 2 other ones for about a month before my current one was hired. The 2 senior associates are hardly ever available in the office for a random “hey, so what are you getting our assistant ?” chat. I have polled my work friends in other departments, and their opinion ranges from $20-$50, discretionary.

    My income is a bit below market, and I’m not bonus eligible this year because the bonus is merit based, FWIW.

    Also, the team has one paralegal, who literally just started last week.

    What would be an appropriate dollar amount for assistant? I like her quite a lot, she’s feisty and writes very professionally when she transmits cover letters and the like. The old advice I found was $100 x years, but I’m not even spending $300 on my family’s gifts, good god. I’d be comfortable with $50, but my work friends started at this firm after me so I don’t know if any of us know about the office culture that well. Also, should I gift to the coverage assistant(s)? To the paralegal?

    • Anon

      Granted I am in a LCOL area, but the advice I heard as an associate at a large firm was the first two numbers of your salary. As a first year I was making $80,000, so I rounded up to $100. Now that I am in-house, I give my secretary $50 at Christmas, as well as a small gift.

      • Fadedsunrise

        Problem is the attorneys I’ve polled are, while new, senior to me by a lot of years. I am by far among the youngest two or three attorneys here. If their opinions about up to $50 are at all reflective of older attorneys’ giving habits in my area, I don’t want to accidentally double my two senior associates who share the assistant and upstage them if they end up getting assistant at most $50/each.

        • Anom

          Ask the senior associates what they give. Especially the 5 yr one. Ask more than one associate in your office. When I know the other associates that I’m sharing an assistant with I like to pool our gifts. Also, when I switch assistants in the middle of the year, I do not use that as an excuse to deflate the gift. It’s not her/his fault that their associates got reassigned.

          I’m a senior associate making mid 200’s including bonus (I’m on reduced hours) and I give $150. I might do $200 this year bc I don’t want to be cheap.

    • lawsuited

      I view my gift to my assistant as a combination of a thank-you for past work but also a token of goodwill for future work, so I don’t take into account how many months of the year we worked together. I’d give on the higher end of the range you’re hearing from co-workers – the money will likely mean more to your assistant than it does to you and I don’t think the risk of the gift looking stingy or perfunctory is worth saving a few dollars.

      • Fadedsunrise

        I’m not implying that I want/need to calculate each person’s gift based on how many months of the year we worked together, if it wasn’t clear I’m just saying /I’ve/ been with the firm for 4 months and am totally lost as to whether all the secretaries I’ve worked with get gifts and if so, how to determine that. If I count them all up this is about 3-5 people, including people that the office manager has sent an email out indicating were “backup” if secretarial work gets to be too much for the main “assigned secretary.” I may have worked with the ones “assigned” as backup one or two times this year. Do you mean each one should get $50/the higher end of the range?

  17. Anonymous

    Reposting from this morning because I think I posted a little late:
    The husband and I are getting away from the kids with a week in Tulum this February! Any recommendations for where to stay or what to do? We are lookign for a mix of lounging on the beach and maybe a day or two of outdoor or sightseeing adventures. Our ideal lodging budget would be $150-200 per night, but we don’t get away without the kids often, so if that will have us in a dirty apartment miles from the beach and we should really spend more to be somewhere else, chime in! Also, we are flying out of Cancun, and assume that Tulum is where we want to be for beautiful, less crowded beaches, but if you have other alternatives close to Cancun, we’d be interest in those as well. The only thing set in stone so far is the flights.

    Oh, and no kid-friendly places, we love kids but this trip is about getting away from them ;)

    Thanks all.

  18. Anon

    Any advice on resigning around the holidays? I’ll be accepting a new job and can pick a start date any time before Jan 4th. I’d like to stay at my current job through 12/31 to receive the bonus and year end incentive. My boss is out for holidays starting on the 20th. I don’t think there’s a risk they’ll walk me out immediately, although I suppose there’s always a first time When should I resign? Any tips?

    • Employment atty

      Most likely You won’t get a bonus if you’ve given notice before the bonus date. If you harbor no ill will to current employer and want to leave on decent terms, tell the new employer that unless they can make you whole for your bonus, you can’t give notice until 1/1, and you would only be comfortable giving the market 2 wks notice. So start date must be 1/15 or so. Alternatively you can give notice 1/1 that your last day is 1/3, but you will look like a real a-hole. You could give a bit less than 2 wk notice, but 2 days is really off-market. Unless you hate your current employer and have no issue with burning bridges.

    • Anonymous

      If you are expecting a bonus, you should not give notice before actually receiving the bonus. So I guess that means giving notice on 1/2/2019. But then I don’t see how you can start your new job before 1/4…

      You either need to forgo the bonus or push your start date out later…or give only a few days notice which will definitely burn some bridges (I would not do that)

  19. Anon

    A friend is coming to my town with her toddler. We’re long but not great friends and husband does not like her (she is unfortunately quite judge-y and comes off pretentious but I see her great qualities as well and enjoy her company on a limited basis). She is staying elsewhere but would like to meet. Is it totally fine or completely rude to not invite her to my house for dinner and instead propose meet her elsewhere? I’ll make sure to find something child-friendly.

  20. Ellen

    I read a great article on the ABA Journal about how important it is to know the judge you are arguing cases in front of, as well as opposing counsel. It is b/c of this that I went from a quiet young associate to the person I am today at the law firm; first in line to be the next manageing partner! I commend it’s reading to anyone in the hive who is involved in litiegation, as it hits all the right notes that I was able to follow even tho I never read it until today! This is a great resource to the ENTIRE HIVE! YAY!!!1

    http://www.abajournal.com/advertising/article/how_well_do_you_know_your_judge_or_opposing_counsel/?utm_source=maestro&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=weekly_email

  21. Anonymous

    Does anyone else have this dilemma? If I blow my nose constantly, my nose/face will turn bright red all day. But if I turn on my space heater, negating the need to blow my nose, my skin dries out and turns red all day.

    • babybiglaw

      I would recommend a your heater + humidifier. Amazon has these wonderful tabletop humidifiers for under $15. Some run via USB, and others run via AC. They have saved my poor nose. I highly recommend them.

    • Anonymous

      You should address the root cause of why you’re blowing your nose all day.

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