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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. How much leopard print is TOO much leopard print, at least for those of us not glamorous movie stars from the '30s? To wit: there is a matching, collarless blazer to this velvet skirt, but I worry that both pieces together are, as Tim Gunn would say, a lot of look. The skirt is the most versatile of the set, I think — I can imagine a ton of subdued, neutral toppers looking great with this, whereas I think the blazer (worn as a separate, at least) would need a bit more playing to find a few easy looks for the office. The skirt is $298, and available in sizes 0-12. Leopard-Print Velvet Pencil Skirt This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.See More Recent Picks from Corporette®:
Sales of note for 10.24.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann Event, 30% off! Suits are included in the 30% off!
- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything, and redeem Stylecash!
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- White House Black Market – Buy more, save more; buy 3+ get an extra 50% off
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Leah
Does anyone with real estate experience know the proper shorthand for a house with two half baths? If I have two full and two half, 2.5 is obviously wrong, and 3 is also technically wrong. Is 2.5.5 a thing?
Anonymous
I think I’ve seen it written as 4/2/2- 4 bedrooms, 2 full baths, 2 half baths. I’d look at listings in your area and see what’s being used.
anon a mouse
I’ve seen it listed as 2.2 (which makes no sense as that’s less than 2.5, but whatever).
Anonymous
Same.
Brokentoe
In our MLS system, the home you describe would be recorded as 4 bathrooms and the listing itself would go on to specify what type of bathrooms: full, 3/4, 1/2, or 1/4. In your case, 2 full baths and 2 1/2 baths. A good realtor would likely clarify in their listing narrative what type of baths your home has to alleviate any confusion.
Anon
This skirt is amazing.
Anon
All I can see is Fran from the Nanny sporting this fabulously.
Ellen
She had a great tuchus, and I wish I could still wear this kind of pencil skirt. She managed to marry the boss at the end of the show, but most of the drama came with all of the doubel entenders and s-xueal tension between the 2 of them building up over the years. Mom said you “could cut it with a knife”! I always wondered whether anything went on behind the scenes on that show. Did she ever do anything with him, or visa versa? After all, both were at their s-xueal peak back then. I wish a guy like that with $ pursuing me! YAY!!!
Anon2
The seam down the middle ruins it for me, makes it look like it’s on sideways.
Panda Bear
Same! I hate seams down the middle of skirts. Annoys me on blouses and tops, too.
Jane
What are your favorite brands of button up shirts? I’ve alternated between the old Limited Ashton shirts (really like the material), and the Express classic shirts and portofino shirts (I really like the fit). However, I’ve heard the quality of clothing of the new Limited isn’t like the old, and my Express shirts wrinkle so easily after I wash and the care instructions say not to put in the dryer. Any recommendations?
BB
Have you tried Brooks Brothers? They generally have 2 fits: Classic/more roomy and Tailored/skinnier fit. Wait for a sale.
Leah
I either end up choosing good quality or good colors, and I haven’t found both together in years. The well-made and well-cut brands like BB offer black, white, pink, and powder blue. If I want jewel tones or anything with personality, I need to go with the lesser quality or boxier brands like Land’s End or NY&C.
(Caveat: I work in an arty/tech field and don’t have the strict formality of dress code that the legal folks here deal with.)
Anonymous
I like Lafayette 148, they have a bit of stretch so fit well and over time have a good mix of colors.
Anon
None, they are a bit dated at this point. I’d reconsider looking for these.
Away Game
Possibly true, but YMMV. The fashion cycle is so fast that I no longer try to invest in good quality pieces that may be fashionable or on trend, and I don’t want to buy a shirt that will only last one season (for trend or quality reasons). Also, many fashions these days look terrible on me, so I skip a lot of the trends anyway. I’d rather get a good quality shirt/skirt/dress in a classic line that fits properly and makes me feel confident, even when it’s totally and completely off trend. I happen to have a body type that works with button front shirts, and if properly fitted, I don’t think they are ever truly out of style.
Anon
+1. I honestly had no idea they were even dated. I thought they were a classic.
Mpls
+1 – they’re a classic style. Which means they’re never going to feeling like cutting edge fashion/trendy. But that doesn’t mean they are dated.
There are *elements* of a button-front shirt that can make it feel dated (size/shape of collar, cuffs), but the shirt style isn’t any more dated than a crew neck sweater.
Anonymous
I would argue that buttondowns in bright/dark colors and/or shiny fabric are very dated. Only white, blue, or pale pink is a true classic.
Anon
Ministry of Supply. Yes, it’s like $100 per shirt, and I’m a TJ Maxx shopper so that’s way out of my usual price range, but they never wrinkle, they flex, and they have a hidden modesty button at the bust. LOVE them. Love love love.
Anon
Have you purchased anything else at Ministry of Supply? Any reviews? I’ve wanted to check them out.
nuqotw
I have two shirts from BR that have been going strong for over 10 years (although I spilled bleach on one so I can only wear it under a sweater I plan to wear all day).
Anonymous
Just chiming in to say I have washed and machine dried Express portofinos with reckless abandon and they are all still going strong.
Inspired By Hermione
Same.
Portia
Me too
Small Firm IP Litigator
I like the Boss Bashina popovers. They are machine-wash, and can’t do in the dryer, so they do need ironing. I think they are a more updated look, and you can wear them tucked in or out.
MJ
Hawes and Curtis, hands down. They run long in the arms, which is perfect for monkey-armed me. They have great prints and patterns, and often have things that are not available in the US. If you want something more casual, try Boden or Garnet Hill–they usually have on-trend front-button (but not button down–that refers to the buttons on the collar).
Side note–I am super-preppy and this used to be my go-to look, but I feel it’s a bit dated, unless peeking out of a sweater. One day I will revive my AMAZING button-front shirt collection!
Annual review advice
My annual review is coming up. Any advice for diplomatically expressing unhappiness with working unnecessary late nights, which are caused entirely by the partner not reviewing my draft until the day something needs to be filed by midnight (when I’ve sent it to him several days prior)? The partner is very busy, so it’s not laziness that leads to the last minute reviewing. Of course I understand that litigation sometimes requires late nights, but I’m not ok with being expected to work late/cancel plans every night a brief is due (which is quite often), and especially when I’ve told the partner well in advance that I’m not available to stay late on a particular night. (I work at a small firm and our pay is not anywhere close to BigLaw, if it matters.)
Cat
How hard you can push depends on how senior you are, how much goodwill you have at your firm, whether other associates are often in the same boat (this sounds fairly typical from my Biglaw days), AND how important the partner in question is.
anon
I wouldn’t express unhappiness unless you can offer a solution. Maybe suggest calendaring time two days in advance to discuss the partner’s comments to the filing? Obviously the partner has to actually follow through on reading the draft and having the comments for the meeting, but it might be a good nudge.
Anonymous
I’m not sure there’s a way you can express unhappiness, necessarily, but I think it’s fair to ask for better coverage. The needs of the firm/partner are what they are. That’s not going to change. But you might be able to change the fact that this last minute stuff falls 100% on you. Tell them that you’ve noticed there is an issue with obtaining associate coverage for late night filings, particularly with [partner]. If you are unavailable a particular evening, who should you contact to make sure [partner] has appropriate associate and/or paralegal coverage?
AFT
I agree with the advice above, but I also think the answer may just be “plan that every filing day is going to be a late night — don’t make plans on those days, assume you’ll have work late, etc.” I think it’s different if it truly is a one-off (e.g., you have theater tickets on a particular day when a filing is planned – and 9/10 of other filing days you’d be able to work late), in which case you work on getting backup for the particular day and call it out early as a day you *can’t* work late. Having worked for a lot of busy partners who don’t look at the thing until the day it’s due, it’s a bad place to be as an associate, but I think it’s going to be tough to make the partner change if the system is working for them.
Rainbow Hair
Yeah, this is how it worked when I was at a big firm litigating. As long as I was on that case, I was going to have to expect that I would be working my butt off from 8 pm to midnight on the day a filing was due.
aBr
Different take – You need to talk with the partner directly, not just complain in your review. Consider having a sit down with the partner about how to do a better job “managing up” mentioning that all filings are coming down to the wire. Don’t focus on how you have to cancel plans (they might have had to too). Instead, focus on how to make things go smoother for everyone and what system will work best. Some partners like reminders on their calendars blocking out a couple hours to review x the day before, others prefer that you put printed documents in their chair with some obnoxious note that says “YOU NEED TO READ THIS BY 4PM, WE NEED TO FILE TOMORROW”. While there are certainly people that always leave it to the wire, there are strategies to get them to focus earlier on stuff rather than having it just sit there. (And this all comes from someone that’s worked in big law for years and firmly believes in a 10pm bed time.)
Small Firm IP Litigator
Yeah, all of this. Focus on the improvements you can have by having is done sooner as well (more of a chance to proofread, not pay secretaries overtime, etc.) And then everyone can be fresh the next day to do whatever comes next.
Anonymous
FWIW I am in the same boat, small firm making approx 1/3 of a biglaw salary. Partner will not review filings until the last minute and then likes to make edits until literally midnight, when the filing is due. What has put a stop to it, at least for the last 4 months, is his assistant (we rely on our assistants to do all filings) put her foot down and said if you want me to file it give me a final draft by 5pm. She’s in a MUCH better position to take that stance than I am. I still have late nights, obviously, but at least they’re not for this specific reason.
KS IT Chick
Looking for some very specific gift shopping help… My aunt has asked for a stocking cap for Christmas. Our familial tendency to very round heads is foiling all my attempts on this one. My head is smaller than hers, and my head circumference is 22 inches, if that gives you any idea on what we’re dealing with . She’s retired, doing a lot of volunteer work, and she wants to keep her head warm.
Any pointers to caps that would fit the bill? Color preferences are black, white or brown. I could maybe slip through navy or burgundy, but nothing brighter or with logos.
Never too many shoes...
I have to ask, what is a stocking cap? I am not at all familiar with the term… Are we just talking about a toque or does it have to have a pompom or tassel?
Up here. big fur pompoms are all the rage. Maybe try a men’s size for more girth?
Cat
I always think of a stocking cap as having a dramatically long point (like it hangs down your back) with a pompom at the end. As opposed to a beanie, which is also knit and sometimes has a pompom, but is either snug to your head or has just a little slouch at the top.
KS IT Chick
I think they are called beanies now (which always confuses me… in my mind beanies are little hats with propellers). She wants something like this https://www.nflshop.com/kansas-city-chiefs/mens-kansas-city-chiefs-new-era-red-2018-nfl-sideline-cold-weather-official-sport-knit-hat/t-25938169+p-7033527874127+z-9-4156604400 only without the team branding.
Vicky Austin
I got a really cute cream-colored one shaped like that from BP at Nordstrom. I also have a (admittedly not cute, very utilitarian) black one from H&M.
Anon
Those are literally everywhere and they stretch because they’re knit. Just go to, like, the Gap or something.
NYNY
First of all, 22 inches is a completely normal head size. It’s on the small end of average for adults. Unless your aunt’s head is massively bigger than yours, fit should not be a problem. If you’re worried about it, you could shop men’s hats instead of women’s. But keep in mind that knit caps have negative ease, meaning they’re meant to be smaller than your head, because they stretch to go on.
I’d get her the Halogen slouchy cashmere beanie: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/halogen-slouchy-cashmere-beanie/4350119?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FAccessories%2FHats&color=ivory%20eggnog
Anon
There is a ribbed cap in the Crochet edition of One Skein Wonders that fits the bill perfectly. If you or someone you know has basic crochet skills, it’s an easy afternoon project.
Anonymous
My massive head is why I took up knitting. The struggle is real.
Anon
For future reference, in modern day language a stocking cap is the nude colored thin pantyhose like cap people wear under wigs.
Satin lined option
For extra hair protection, Grace Eleyae has satin lined hats of this (and other styles) that are very fashionable and affordable:
https://www.graceeleyae.com/collections/foldover-warm-slap
Anon
Check Etsy!
Anon
Ribbed Beanie with faux fur pom-pom at J Crew
Lizzie
I very occasionally will swipe through all the online dating apps, but I’ve never actually met up with anyone on them, or had a conversation go on for more than a few back and forths. I’ve just never really felt the desire to invest more time in them. But I’ve been talking to this guy now for a few days. We started on the app and then went to texting. Honestly I wasn’t really feeling like investing in it, until I found out some stuff about him on google that made me more interested (which is a whole different topic — googling before or after meeting someone, preconceived notions, etc ha). He has done all the “work” so far– i.e. initiating texting conversations, trying to plan a evening to meet for a drink, sending a good morning text etc. Which I definitely like, but also feels a little weird and forced because we’ve never met!! Beyond this, I think part of the reason I’ve never followed through with online dating is because of my weight. I feel like anyone who meets me in person is going to be so disappointed. I try to accurately reflect myself/body in the pics, but they are of course also “good” pictures of me. For people that do the online dating apps, how much conversation is normal before actually meeting up? I’m honestly still not sure I’m going to actually go through with meeting up with him because I’m so self-conscious. It’s weird, because if we met in a bar for the first time, I wouldn’t think twice about it. But because he has this preconceived idea about me from pictures, I just get so uncomfortable. How do bigger girls navigate online dating??
Anonymous
Honestly, you have to suck it up and go even if you’re uncomfortable. You posted pictures, the person knows what you look like. It’s just meeting someone, you don’t have to have the time of your life. Don’t overthink it. If you’re not comfortable after you actually meet the person, you can leave and never see or hear from them again.
Anon
This guy seems interested in you. Don’t reject him first because you don’t want him to reject you.
Talk on the phone, meet up in person. Look nice and put together for your date. Men with their heads screwed on straight want nice, smart women who aren’t slobs, model body not necessary.
Anon
This. And fwiw, I ALWAYS googled people before meeting them, extensively- that’s just being safe.
cbackson
“Don’t reject him first because you don’t want him to reject you.”
IDK if anyone has seen Dumplin’ yet (if not, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND. It’s delightful.), but this is a significant plot point.
HM
+1 Dumplin!!! The. Cutest.
Anon
Lean in close and listen up – you are being way too hard on yourself. Women tend to think that only “perfection” (as defined in pop culture or whatever) is attractive. Men tend think women (in all their glorious forms) are attractive. We are way too hard on yourself. We are way too hard on ourselves, and most of it is because we have been taught that beauty is ONLY thin, tall, perfectly tan, long haired, perfect skin, etc. It’s false.
He is reaching out because he finds you attractive. Believe that.
anonymouse
+100
Anonymous
Have you considered the possibility that your size is a feature and not a bug? I came of age in the era when beauty was still all about being thin, blonde and somehow also having large br3asts. There are plenty of men out there who are not into that, but it still surprises me sometimes to hear (and I am married to one of them!). I think that we are really moving past that as a society.
Also, FWIW (I might get yelled at for this) in the US I think it is also more of a white thing to have thin-ness wrapped up in being attractive to men. Obviously we are all different, and don’t fall into neat boxes all the time. But my anecdata about size anxiety when dating really only comes from white women dating white men.
Anonymous
I am not blonde and am what is now called “thick” from the waist down (and flat chested to boot). There isn’t a Barbie that looks like me (or a Bratz doll or whatever), but there is a lid for every pot in the dating department. Don’t believe me? Think of p*rn — there is subgenre after subgenre after subgenre (in a way that is depressing or amazing)(note to self: don’t slow down every time you exit a subway).
Curly
I agree with everyone else here! He has seen your pics and is clearly interested.
As to how much conversation is normal before meeting up, my experience has been that it varies widely based on the person or couple. My experience has been that matches fizzle if I don’t meet up pretty quickly (at least have a date on the books within a few days… meet up within a couple of weeks if calendars are crazy). I tend not to want to text much between setting up the first date and the date itself–Mostly a check in every day or two that results in a couple of messages on each side. Some people text a ton leading up to the date. It’s personal preference, but a good opportunity to gauge whether your communication styles and frequency will match up. My one thing is that I always avoid texting before the first date unless I actually have something to say.
Lizzie
Wow, really so many thanks for all the nice responses. Admittedly I still feel a little uneasy, but feel so much better after reading your comments and insight. Also, YES about Dumplin’. I LOVED it and could relate to a lot of her struggles. Highly recommend everyone watch it!
ATL rette
I’ve been thinking about this since this morning and I think and assume everyone posts their “best self” on dating apps, so I always go into a date assuming the guy won’t be as smoking hot as his pictures. And that’s okay! I’m sure there have been guys who have been disappointed with real-life me as compared to dating app pictures me, which is fine, it just means they aren’t right for me. Unless your pictures are *drastically* different than your current self, i think you’re fine!!!
cbackson
Dumplin’ was my favorite piece of media I have consumed this year. Watching it made me realize that you basically never see movies/TV shows that portray larger women as happy, confident, and fulfilled – and that if you have larger women in a movie, there are almost always fat jokes. There are no fat jokes here, and Willowdean and Millie aren’t ashamed of their bodies, even though they know the world expects them to be. Even though we only see her in flashback, the Aunt Lucy character just made me so joyful, and I loved that there were no cookie-cutter villains. I so wish this movie had been around when I was a tween girl deep in the throes of anorexia.
Anon
You have gotten great advice! I’m just going to add a couple of practical points based on mine and other plus-sized friends’ experiences with online dating.
– include at least one full size pic. You want to look your best, but it’s helpful to put out there visually what your whole body looks like
– don’t exclude people cause you think they would be be in to you. I’ve had some of my best dates with stereotypically hot guys who I thought would never be in to me
– try to be very open to guy’s with different physical appearances. I tend to get a lot of shorter guys and non-white guys who are interested in me (I’ve found the joke that Asians and white guys tend to only like skinnier girls to be based on some truth)
– no matter what you do, some guys are just jerks. I’ve not had his problem, but lots of friends of all sizes have expierenced a guy insulting them if they express that they don’t want to see the guy again (for my plus sizes friends, the guy often insults how fat they are. For my skinny friends, the guy normally complains that she is not all that attractive)
– this is personal perference, but I prefer to meet early after just a few messages. I know I don’t open up over text, get bored, and will talk myself out of it if I don’t. And I just can’t tell from texts if I’ll actually like a guy in person, but can often tell after 10 mins in person.
– try to find times/places that are easy for first dates. As I mentioned, I prefer to just meet in person to see if I’m interested. 95% of the time I’m not. So, I try to schedule first dates for right after work in a neighborhood where I already have to change trains. Make it as easy is possible for myself.
Thanks!
I’m not the OP but thank you for posting this, it was really thoughtful advice!
Suburban
Anyone want to weigh in on real estate/finance question? I feel like this board is pretty financially conservative .
We bought our house in 2012,and put 20% down. We’re in a high cost of living part of the country, so our house was expensive, but not luxurious. Since then, we’ve been paying extra on the mortgage and are scheduled to pay it off in two years at this rate. My husband wants to wait until it’s totally paid off to either undertake a renovation or sell it and buy a new house. I really feel we should do some renovations now to make the house more comfortable, or look into a new home, but my husband insists it’s better to pay down the mortgage.
I guess I understand his need for security but our home is feeling a bit shabby and uncomfortable. The way I see it, we can slow down on the extra mortgage payments and cash flow a renovation, or sell our home and buy a new one. Am I being short sighted here? Thanks for any insight.
Anonymous
I can’t help on the financial decision, but this may also be an emotional/psychological question. You guys have been driving toward a goal, and now–when your husband can see the finish line of a major accomplishment, you’re wanting to turn off the race track and wander off in a different direction. Or that may be what it feels like to him.
Along with discussing the surface financial facts, also surface the emotion and goals and dreams that the two of you have had associated with this hour and with this goal.
anon a mouse
These are really different questions. Are you going to stay in your house for the long term? If so, I can see where he’s coming from – you are really close to paying it off (good job!). But keep in mind that a renovation can take a long time. What if you agreed to start the legwork on the renovation now (architect, interviewing contractors etc) in preparation for being ready to start as soon as it’s paid off?
If you are going to move, then financially it doesn’t make sense to keep paying on your house, and you should start looking this spring. Interest rates will almost surely be higher in 2 years than now. (Unless you plan to pay all cash, but it will be easier to shop if you can buy without selling your house first, even if you have to carry a mortgage until your house sells.)
Anonymous
You’re obviously right. There’s no need or reason to pay your mortgage off this quickly. This isn’t finance it’s emotions.
Anon
I think it’s rather unusual to have a home paid off completely (good for you guys). I see two questions – 1., how will you finance a remodel/reno and will you have enough cash flow to do that before paying off the mortgage. Only you can know that, but I’d consider whether the extra mortgage payment could just convert into a home equity credit payment (as you can’t make monthly payments to a contractor, they take a lump sum at various construction points); and 2., do you plan to stay there such that a renovation is worth the expense and effort. If you plan to sell, you usually don’t do the same kind of work that you’d do if you plan to stay. Personally, I don’t have an issue with spending some money to make my home comfortable, but ymmv.
Anonymous
I mean there are so many factors at play here. 1- Are you going to move? If so, what will you need to renovate to make your house “market-ready”? 2- If you’re not going to move, what are you going to renovate now? Are you thinking of starting renovations over the December holidays? 3- My real-estate-savvy DH says the market is about to crash, either this summer or next. That, combined with ever-rising interest rates, makes me feel like you should really stay in your house, pay off that mortgage, and then decide what to do. You don’t want to fall in love with a new house and then be unable to sell the one you live in now! I’d say wait 6 months and reevaluate.
Anon
Very curious how your husband knows the market “is about to crash” and also that seems highly dependent on region.
House reno
We were aggressively paying off our house and continuously making small improvements over the 8 years we owned it, but waited on a few of the medium size projects (all the flooring) that we did right before selling. After we did them, we wished that we hadn’t waited. It would have been nice to get to enjoy them ourselves.
On the flip side of that, our house was under contract for full price in five days after a being bid on by two parties, without any home inspection contingencies – in a rural, low cost of living area. I 100% attribute that to the fact that the house was in great condition and we had a long list of the work that we had done over the last 8 years (we included this right in our MLS listing, and we had a printout for showings).
How big are the renovations that you want to do? I would definitely do any low to medium cost renovations now and over the next few years. If you stay, you’re going to want them done anyway. If you sell, your house will sell a lot faster with them. More expensive renos is a tougher call.
Suburban
Thanks! That’s helpful. Was thinking of real renovations but without major architectural changes; so new floors and update to our full bath and kitchen without changing the footprint or layout. Like you said, I imagine it will make our lives more pleasant ( did I mention I’m still bathing my 2 year old in a bin on the floor of the walk-in shower, which is definitely where a bathtub should be?) and help resale. Husband said that thinking is the height of foolishness because you only get fraction of improvements “back.”
Anonymous
Your husband’s way of thinking is how my aunt and uncle held on to a late 60s/early 70s-era avocado green and harvest gold kitchen that they couldn’t comfortably fit anyone in other than my very petite aunt for about 20 years longer than they needed to. :) (They could’ve easily afforded the renovation and had space to expand the kitchen). They are much MUCH happier now that they can finally fit their kids (and grandkids) in the space during family gatherings. Don’t discount the value of your own happiness in your home.
Anonymous
I’d put your foot down on some of the stuff. That is ridiculous. I’m in a similar situation and have to make a lot of noise to get stuff done. We’re finally doing some work on our house. We know this isn’t our forever house. Kiddo is 3 now, and it will probably only work until she is 7-8 unless we make some major changes in the basement. We’re likely unwilling to do that. But the trade-off is that we won’t move for at least 3-4 years so we feel like we get enough enjoyment to make up for not getting all the money back. But some of this stuff really is just the cost of being a homeowner. My carpet is coming apart and stained, tiles are cracked, etc., etc. The home truly needs new floors. And it just is what it is. These materials aren’t made to last forever.
One thing we did that really helped was talk to our realtor now to get good numbers of how much our house can sell for and what will matter to buyers. We are in a LCOL town and paid $268k for our house. We now know that our ceiling is about $295k. We’ll probably put in about $20-25k and hope we get back about 2/3. But that’s worth it to us.
House reno
:) Your husband sounds a little like mine; he’s really into having a house all paid off. It’s kind of hilarious that they are all about paying off the house (which may not be the very “best” finance decision, as pointed out above) but aren’t for renos because idea that you only get a fraction of the improvements “back”. You don’t get any of the time back that you spent living in the house that was uncomfortable though! ;)
At the root of it, it seems that each of you want the same thing: security and comfort. You’re just looking for it in different places. He’s looking for it in the future paid off mortgage. You’re looking for it in your physical home right now. If it were me, I’d start a big excel sheet with different tabs for different scenarios. Figure out how much the bathroom reno would be. The kitchen reno. The floors. Then make a tab for what it would add to the payoff of the mortgage for each reno. Then show that to your husband. If the bathroom reno adds a year, you’re still paying off the mortgage in three years but you get to feel like your value of comfort is being met too. Etc.
Suburban
:) I put my foot down and now bath time is mostly my husband’s job. The best part is, when I go up there and my husband is crouching while the heavy glass door is half closed and resting on him, washing the kid in the bin, I’ll shake my head and my husband insists they both really like this set up. I’m cracking up now.
Mpls
Also sounds like my dad :) They’ve both agreed it’s time to change out the toilets in the house that they paid off at least 5 years ago. Mom also wants to change the flooring because she’s never like it. Dad doesn’t want to, so it’s stalled out the toilet replacement.
It’s vinyl. They’d probably replace it with vinyl, just in another pattern. It’s not going to be expensive and Mom will like it better. But heaven forbid you make changes for style.
Don’t get me started on the landscaping changes she wanted to do to replace some rotting/aging timber/retaining wall thing, but Dad scowled and put the kibosh on.
Anonymous
My husband and I struggle with this – usually I want to do something and he doesn’t want to spend the money, so it doesn’t happen. But I finally got sick of him winning all the time (after about 10 years of marriage), so now I insist on a compromise or getting to actually win sometimes. It really helped to explain it to him this way – that I never got a win or even a compromise. And that’s just not fair. It is my turn for some wins. And that actually seemed to get through to him.
CPA Lady
It depends on your house, your market, etc. We’ve done a few larger-but-not-huge projects that definitely raised the house’s value to the point where they would pay for themselves. We had our house appraised a couple of times and the value went up quite a bit after doing a minor kitchen reno and a few other things.
anon
First, congratulations for being within sight of paying off your home in just ~7 years. That is a major accomplishment.
My suggestion is to take a step back as to your end goal. Are you wanting to move in order to be in a “better” school district, or are you simply wanting more updated “HGTV worthy” finishes?
Husband is correct that you only get a fraction of any improvements “back”.
If you do remodel and update, do it for yourself, not for some future phantom buyer. (though good to get input from a real estate agent).
If it were me and I was pleased with the school district, I wouldn’t move. I would do the updates that I wanted in two years after the house is paid off.
If you do want to move, I wouldn’t invest in redoing the home – let the new buyer take care of it. Time and money and mess not worth the “return”.
The market may be very different in two years.
Anonymous
There is conservative and there is cray.
It is not usual to put 20% down and pay off a house <10 years later absent a windfall. But why does your husband want to live in a paid-off house sooner vs living there cramped/unhappy? You wouldn't tolerate this in a rental — you rent the space you need, not squeeze into a studio to save $.
There is frugal smart and frugal cray (my tendency to rent in the smallest apartment in the cheapest part of town even though it was always on the 11:00 news and it was dangerous to be out after dark there).
Right now, we are re-doing a bath b/c it's not up to modern code AND more importantly is smaller than coach to where my 4' kids' knees touch the wall when sitting on the potty. Enough. Mommy works so we don't have to live like this.
Senior Attorney
I agree with this.
Anonymous
Fix it up. Enjoy your house.
anon a mouse
Holiday SOS! Looking for lined jeans for my DH. He tried the ones at LL Bean but said they were a “dad fit.” I can’t find good alternatives. Recommendations for shops?
Anonymous
Gap used to have them, not sure if they currently do but it’s worth a look.
Anon
Its a dad purchase haha so its going to be hard to not find a dad fit when it comes to flannel/fleece lined jeans:
Feeson – on amazon has a slim fit maybe less Dad fit?
Carhartt
Eddie Bauer
Duluth Trading Company
Wrangler
Lee
Anonymous
Are there any cheapo Amazon brands like Feeson that are ok quality? I ordered a few off-brand dresses on Amazon and found them to be reminiscent of super cheap juniors’ wear. I even ordered on brand of dress recommended here and the quality was awful and it looked super cheap. Is it just me or are just people looking at the pictures and assuming it’s ok?
Scarlett
Uniqlo has a line of lined pants for women, probably for men too but I haven’t checked specifically.
Anon
Uniqlo! They have heat-tech lined jeans and chinos. Not dad fitting at all.
smiley
+1 to Feeson on amazon! Also the Plaid & Plain brand there. Neither pair approaches LL Bean’s rugged construction quality, but the durability and price point are just right for the occasional use my somewhat style-conscious husband gets out of them.
Anon
I have bought some from Eddie Bauer. They have both flannel lined and fleece lined. I cannot comment on the fit though.
Anon
I’m looking to buy a proper winter coat for my SO for Christmas, but have no clue about menswear so wanted some help. I’m thinking of something Canada Goose-esque in terms of warmth, versatility, and length, but without the brand or price tag. He’s over six feet tall and medium build. Any recommendations? Thank you in advance!
First Year Anon
Anything as warm as Canada Goose IMO will cost about the same as Canada Goose (at least that’s what I found when I researched). Now, some people really need the extra warmth and others don’t, so I’m sure it can vary from person to person.
Annie
Do you have an REI where you live? I’d just go there and ask a salesperson.
Mpls
I’d look at the usual suspects: Eddie Bauer, LL Bean, Lands End, North Face, Colombia, any brand carried at REI.
The men’s sizes are more likely to have Tall options (if he needs them – might not, unless he arms are really long).
You’ll be looking for a parka style (cover the behind) vs something that stops at the waist.
Brokentoe
My SO is 6’5″ and a medium build and has had good luck with Columbia Tall sizes.
Fishie
My DH has a Mountain Hardware coat that he paid a few hundred bucks for more than 10 years ago and it still looks great. Super warm.
Anonymous
My bro who is 6’7″ favors Arcteryx. The sleeves are plenty long.
Anonymous
Fjallraven. I can’t rave about them enough! Less recognizable, really quality, and a bit cheaper (with occasional 30% off sales as well).
none
Any recommendations for one of those hairbrush/dryer hybrids? Do they really work or are they just infomercial magic?
Scarlett
I got one that was promoted by some blogger and hated it – took my hair a million years to dry and didn’t look any better for the process. The elusive magical hair tool is still out there somewhere but it wasn’t that kind for me.
Lizzie
I had the Revlon one. It definitely worked, but I wasn’t super impressed and ended up returning it. I wouldn’t recommend it, but if you want to try one get it from somewhere with a great return policy (I got mine at Target).
Nicki
I got the Revlon Volumizing one (large oval brush) and love it! Dries my hair quick, looks great with lots of body, don’t need to touch up with flat iron. My hair is should length, fine, thin and slightly wavy. It may not be so great on long thick hair. Prior to that I had been using expensive Babyliss dryers for 10 years, so I was hesitant to try a Revlon.
AFT
So i’m kind of the same person, apparently, though my hair is shoulder length/fine/stick straight. also love the revlon volumnizing brush as an alternative to an awesome Babyliss dryer that I then had to use to style.
ResortParalegal
Same – I love it, for my fine, bra strap length, 99% straight hair. It does get a bit heavy after awhile, but I always reach for the volumnizer instead of my Babyliss.
Never too many shoes...
I have the ConAir one – it does definitely smooth out but it does not have enough power for my thick, down to the bra band hair so takes a long time. Am thinking of getting the Babyliss as has way more power.
BeenThatGuy
The Dyson Air Styler is a game changer. It’s $500 and worth every penny. While I realize it’s a major luxury, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis so blowing out and styling my very thick hair is torture on my hands, wrists and shoulders. The Air Styler cuts my drying time in half and my hair is soft, shiny and styled in a flash.
RR
I was looking at these recently. Does it take you from wet hair to styled hair? So, basically skipping the extra flat iron/curling iron step?
BeenThatGuy
You use the tools when the hair is about 50% dry. To get to that 50% dry, the blow dryer portion will do that in a minute. Or you can let it air dry as you’re doing something else.
RR
I have the Revlon one I think. It does make drying my long, thick, curly hair easier than just a regular blowdryer and a brush. It’s not revolutionary though. I haven’t sprung for one of the really expensive hairdryers to compare, but it compares favorably to an under $100 typical hairdryer.
Nelly Yuki
Tried two midrange models (purchased at Ulta), and ended up returning both. I did not find them easier to use than a standard straightener. I had to hold my hair taught and apply pressure to the brush to get the plate close enough to the strands. I have fine, semi wavy hair. YMMV, of course. Good luck!
Anonymous
I did a lot of research on this a few weeks ago and ended up ordering the Revlon One Step Dryer and Voluminous from Amazon, picked based on reviews. Full disclosure I haven’t had a chance to use it yet.
Jules
I have one from Amazon, and I love it. https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B0714LHP8N/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I have lots of fairly fine, mostly straight hair that hangs to just a bit above my bra band. The brush/dryer works at least as fast as my regular hair dryer – although I have not used a Babyliss or other fancy one – and it really is great at making it nice and smooth, with no little bumps and no upturn at the end to make me look like Barbie’s little sister Skipper.
I just bought one for my sister as a gift, whose hair is similar. Maybe it would not work for very wavy hair, but I could not be happier with it.
Rainbow Hair
I use the John Frieda Hot Air Brush; 1 1/2 inch on my already-mostly-air-dried hair and I love it. But it doesn’t take it from soaking wet to dry and styled quickly.
Beth
I also have the John Frieda and LOVE it, but I blow dry my hair to 80-90% dry and then use this tool to get the blow-out look.
seeking mittens
I finally decided what I want for the holidays: a pair of insanely warm mittens for walking around in my northeastern city. Does anyone have any recommendations? I prefer something with fuzzy/fleece-y interiors, fine if they look sort of ridiculous. Not looking for skiing or waterproof mittens.
Seattle Freeze
If you want insanely warm, then I recommend qiviut (pronounced ki-vee-oot) – it’s the ridiculously soft downy inner fiber of the musk ox. I have a qiviut cowl that I bought at the Oomingmak shop in Anchorage and adore it. There appears to be at least one Etsy shop selling hand-knit qiviut-lined mittens – the one I found is called MountainMasche.
anon
I just ordered these. I can report back once I get them.
https://www.overland.com/products/b-3-sheepskin-mittens-75046?WT.mc_id=00007&utm_source=froogle&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=froogle&gclid=Cj0KCQiAurjgBRCqARIsAD09sg-JBwFzImJYFquYnp0X4myIM2eU0fdW7En6RQ4k91kU6YbS9oVSM9QaAk6VEALw_wcB
Anonymous
I wanted this same thing and I went with the Black Diamond Mercury mitts. They are big and expensive but so so warm. I run cold in general and have horrible cold fingers in particular, and they help me immensely.
rachelellen
Thanks to some sudden and unexpected life happenings this year, I’m really motivated to get my will in place and settled… just in case. Thanks to the same sudden and unexpected happenings, I don’t really have anyone I could ask to be my executor. I understand that a government entity would do it, for a fee, if I asked for that or if I had no-one else, but I would rather offer that fee to someone I know. I’ve just inherited a lot of money and the broker, a small mom-and-pop that goes along with it – but I’ve never worked with someone like this before. Would it be appropriate to ask him if his company could fill that role? I also don’t have a personal lawyer – I’ve used a real estate lawyer for buying and selling a NYC co-op – but I’d feel funnier asking him than I would asking the broker. Any thoughts would be very welcome.
Anon
My condolences on your recent loss.
I would suggest a trustworthy friend or an attorney as an executor. You can also talk to your estate planning attorney about this.
Anonymous
Step one- get a trusts and estates lawyer to draft your will
Step two- have their firm serve as executor.
Idk what you’re even talking about feeling funny. It’s not an emotional thing. Just have your lawyer do it.
rachelellen
I don’t have a lot of money. I don’t have anyone to leave my money to. I got the Willmaker software from Amazon to specify how my meager amounts of money should be donated to charity. The lawyer I’ve worked with seems to specialize in real estate transactions for co-ops. My question is, would a investment advisor/broker be more open to this kind of question than a lawyer. That’s what I’m even talking about. Thank you to anon at 10:02 for picking up on the need for condolences.
anon
First, I’m really sorry for your loss. Second, really, you should hire a lawyer. For my straight-forward will, including guardianship issues for my kids, I paid a $700 flat fee to the lawyer, located just outside of NYC. Ask your real estate lawyer if they recommend someone reasonably priced for a will. That will also fix the executor issue for you.
T&E Lawyer
Most firms and most lawyers will not agree to take on a fiduciary role in an estate or act as a trustee unless it’s for a family member or they have a trust company associated with the firm. Same with most accountants. There are many professional trustees at different levels of estate size who will do this for a fee. Unless you plan to set up an ongoing trust, the work is largely administrative and will be done in 1-2 years.
Anon in NYC
I’m so sorry for your loss. 1) Find a trusts and estates lawyer, they can help with all of this, 2) consider a close friend or a cousin/more distant relative as the executor, and 3) remember that you can change your executor over time.
There is something about wills that seems so “final” but, really, they can be amended at any point. I would ask people within your circle for a rec for a T&E attorney: colleagues, your real estate lawyer, your real estate agent, etc.
Senior Attorney
There is such a thing as a “private fiduciary” who will do this. I would prefer somebody like that to a lawyer, because they do it all the time and that is all they do.
Rachelellen
That is great advice, thank you.
Anon
Looking for some gift help for my sister. She is going to start working through a travel nursing company in late January, and will be moving cities throughout the US every 3 months or so. She’s putting most of her stuff in storage for the next few years while doing this. She doesn’t know which city she’ll be in yet, and won’t find it until early January (she has it narrowed down to 3 cities as of now).
I’d love to get her something to help her settle in to the new city, but she doesn’t know where she’ll be. She’s also downsizing on all her clothes and “stuff” for the foreseeable future, and will only be bringing what can fit in her car.
One thought I had was to get her a gift card to blue apron or a similar service – does anyone have any favorites? I’d also love if you had any other ideas on what I could get her.
Thanks in advance!
DLC
this maybe unglamorous and practical, but when I was doing gig work and moving constantly, I loved having big clear plastic bins to pack and store things. It made keeping organized with each move so much easier, especially when traveling by car.
Also if she will have long drives, anything that can make a road trip more enjoyable- car chargers with more than one port, hands free devices, etc.
Scarlett
When I travel, I like my things organized and my personal favorite luxury item is the small Cuyana jewelry holder thing (forget the exact name). It’s under $100 and makes a really nice gift. I’m always worried about accidentally leaving my jewelry in a hotel and this thing gives it a home. (If I was moving a lot, I’m not sure I’d want to be cooking regularly, maybe consider open table gift certificates of you want to go that route.)
Anonymous
Fun question! I used to do travel nursing and loved it. I didn’t take much with me and wasn’t really interested in things for the apartment, but is there anything she needs that would make packing frequently easier like a nice suitcase or some of those compression travel bags? I worked night shifts, so generously loaded Starbucks gift-cards were always welcome and worked anywhere I traveled.
Anonymous
Can someone explain flying first class? Do people really pay many thousands of dollars extra for a first class ticket, or is there some money saving trick I’m not aware of? I don’t exactly travel on a tight budget – I stay at fancy hotels, eat at world class restaurants, and only fly direct on dates that work best for me (usually weekends – and I pay a premium for it). Even with all these splurges, my vacation cost is still less than the price of just one first class ticket. Am I missing something?
Anonymous
First class is full of frequent fliers who get free upgrades.
Anon
Free upgrades are almost impossible to get internationally, unless you’re the highest tier of frequent flier,and even then it’s difficult. I’m 50k mile status and get them domestically most of the time and have literally never gotten an international one.
OP
Yeah it’s international flights that really have me floored. For example, I’m looking at flights for a trip to Europe next summer. A roundtrip coach ticket on my preferred dates out of my preferred airport is around $1k. A first class ticket is $6k. Also, a friend is going to Asia on her honeymoon. A first class ticket would’ve been over $10k EACH.
Anon
One of my friends gets international first class upgrades, but said friend flies about a quarter million miles a year.
cbackson
I got one flying back from CDG a few years ago and it was so surprising that I kept thinking they must be wrong. I’d never gotten one before (and I’m platinum on Delta with their highest-tier credit card as well).
anon
I only fly first class when I’m travelling for work (and therefore not paying for it myself) or I get upgraded (due to status/job that requires flying around a lot.
Scarlett
I’ve always just upgraded at check-in for a lot less than the booking cost. Some airlines have great deals at booking (Virgin, although now that it’s alaska not sure it will continue), and sell the seats cheaply at check-in. Others have bid systems (like Iceland Air). Sometimes you can get a deal through an agent like AmEx travel. In short, I’ve done it a lot but I’ve never paid the huge sticker price you’re talking about. You have to pay something, it’s not guaranteed, but it’s not insane.
Anonymous
But like specifically how much? Last time I looked for east coast to UK it was at least $1500 one way to upgrade.
Scarlett
It depends on how full the flight is. I’ve gone to NYC for as little as $250, and been told it would cost 2k (and passed). I’d say average is $500-750. I’ll do it depending on how far I’m going and the original ticket price (often free as I use CC points to book). I’m not loyal to any airline to build up FF status.
Anon
There are definitely people who pay, but there are also people who get upgraded (mostly within the US) or pay for upgrades in miles. My parents always use their miles to fly first class internationally, which doesn’t strike me as that bad a deal (my miles always go to waste because of blackout dates, etc). The one time they purchased tickets it was because they were $3k instead of $10k+ for US to Asia – definitely more than economy, but not five times as much. Honestly, I can’t wait until I can afford to fly first class. It’s so much easier to sleep in a bed than in an upright seat and the first few days of a trip to Europe or Asia are so much more pleasant if you’ve slept on the plane.
Strawberry
Yep – I generally fly first/business (most of the time, they’re the same) on personal international flights, but I rarely pay for them – I almost always use miles (accumulated from work travel + credit cards) to pay for them.
K120
First class has a lot of business travelers. Since the company is paying for it, the cost doesn’t matter as much.
Equestrian Attorney
But first vs business? I’ve been upgraded to business and have flown business for work, but my company sure ain’t paying for actual first and I’ve never been upgraded to first internationally.
K120
Many airlines no longer have separate first and business classes. It’s either first/business, premium economy or economy. It’s an easy sell for a company to upgrade when the first/business class is the only one with seats that lie flat.
Pen and Pencil
My friend’s company pays for business class domestically but first class internationally. He often arrives first thing in the morning, and they need him to be fresh and able to walk into a meeting with his brain. He travels probably 2/3rds of the time.
RR
I fly first class all the time on domestic flights, where it is typically only a couple hundred more. I have enough status to be frustratingly high on the upgrade list without getting upgraded, and I find it so much easier to work on a flight in first class. My general rule is that I’ll fly first class if it’s $200 or less of an increase from economy. That said, I have never flown first class on an intercontinental flight, where it is thousands of dollars more. I’ll have to wait for an upgrade or be cashing in lots of frequent flyer miles for that experience.
Gail the Goldfish
Any time I’ve flown first it’s because I’ve been upgraded because of status. My preferred airline won’t upgrade to first for international based on status, but you can use miles to pay for upgrades. I’ve never done it, but depending on how full the flight is, it’s not as many miles as you might think.
Long legged
Never flown anything but coach, or taken long international flights. However, as a 6′ tall person, other tall people who regularly take 20 hour flights have highly recommended it to me.
Anononymous
Eh, I’m very tall and I don’t think first class makes a huge difference in terms of comfort. A bulkhead seat in coach is as good as or better than first class in terms of leg room. First class seats are wider and make more of a difference for heavier people. There are many reasons I love flying first – the food! the beds! the service! – but I don’t think my height is that important. I’m 6’1″.
Anon
Yep, first class is a perk for frequent fliers. Nobody is paying full price for those tickets.
Anononymous
I disagree. If you’re talking about international flights with the layflat seats that become beds, most people in first class are indeed paying full price (or having their company pay full price) for those seats.
Alanna of Trebond
Are you talking about domestic-style first class (like Delta first, or Delta One) or first class with suites like on Emirates? I have been upgraded to Delta One (with only Gold status!) internationally on worse routes, but have never been upgraded to “true” international-style first class.
Anonymous
I only fly business or first (on some carriers, there is no first class any more). I’ve traveled internationally and domestically my entire career, sometimes weeks on end. I’ve flown almost everywhere. I do have a lot of miles, and I use them if I can, but otherwise, I pay. I hate air travel, I hate traveling, I’m not too interested in other countries, I am tired of being away from home. If anyone wants me to travel somewhere, they know in advance I don’t fly coach. It’s worth it to me, and we probably go fewer places (not an issue for me), and when we do go, we make it as smooth and nice as possible.
Anon
I’ve flown first class domestically 1) with an airline where the cost was not much more (surprise, surprise, this has since been discontinued); and 2) when going through a temporary really rough personal situation and just needed to throw money at things to make life a little easier.
In #2, I probably wouldn’t have thrown an extra 10k or whatever the difference is for international, but for domestic, it was well worth it.
CBD
Paging the posters asking about CBD oil:
I recently started taking CBD oil for depression brought on by particular circumstances. It is working fantastic. Here are a few things I learned along the way:
– True CBD oil contains no THC and should be legal without a prescription IF it is sourced from legally produced hemp. As demonstrated by prior discussions here, there is a lot of confusion around it though.
– Full spectrum CBD oil has the other components of marijuana except for THC though there can sometimes be trace amounts.
– I’ve been taking a full spectrum that claims a no THC guarantee since October. I voluntarily took a drug test to check it after taking it daily for over a month and I tested clean.
– If you want it to be 100% legal you have to be careful where you buy it. If you are in a state where marijuana is illegal it can’t be purchased from marijuana grown in Colorado for example. It has to be grown under the specific federal statute on hemp.
– My medical doctor and therapist are 100% on board, agree it is working great for me and fully support it. I had a miserable day last week and upon reflection realized I forgot to take it the evening before. That’s how I know it’s working and not just placebo.
I get mine at a local health store but the brand is Clearly Better Days and you can buy it online. Full disclosure, my friend’s ex-wife owns the business but that is why I was comfortable trying it. I knew what I was getting and that the legality claims are legit.
I hope this helps someone!
Also, I was never a recreational user, had a bad experience the one time I tried, and have zero negative side effects or hazy/high feeling taking it. I feel way better than I did on xanax or prozac the times I tried those in my past.
Veronica Mars
Wow! Awesome info, thank you for sharing. Have you noticed any changes in your appetite or is that a THC side effect only?
Laura B
Thanks for sharing! I’m curious about CBD but have been wary because of all the claims that it will solve all the things. I ordered some hemp oil that does nothing, but I assume that’s because it’s not active/isn’t real CBD. What you said about depression brought on by particular circumstances caught my eye, though. Over the last few months my moods have been all over the place and I think it’s mostly to do with hormones + a particularly stressful life situation right now. It’s almost like I have an extended PMS sadness/doubt/depression for several weeks, instead of just a day or two. I have a copper IUD, so no hormones from birth control, and I’m hesitant to medicate.
Anon
I am happy this is working for you, individually. However, what are you trying to accomplish with this post? Normalizing drug (whether OTC or not) use? I think people should make medical and health based decisions based on the advice of a physician knowledgeable in the particular relevant area. It could be damaging for someone to take this advice personally, but hopefully the readers here would know better.
Anon
Okay you obviously have issues with mari-Juana even for medicinal uses so you really don’t have standing to comment here. This poster is giving advice on use of CBD oil because someone last week asked about experience with use after a psychiatrist (a DOCTOR) recommended it. Coming through with your judgey old school view about normalizing drug use (!) is not helpful and actively harmful. Go clutch your WASPY pearls elsewhere.
Anon at 10:48
Actually, I favor the legalization of recreational which I hardly consider a “judgey old school view…WASPY…”. Way to take a low blow to dismiss my perspective which apparently disagrees with yours.
I am just tired of seeing people who may have anecdotal experience make suggestive extrapolations regarding cannabis products and their administration, and I say this as a proponent and expert in the field. There are many valid concerns with the safety and judiciousness of taking drugs such as CBD oil, more concerns than I could address here. The counterpoint is not , as you say “not helpful and actively harmful”; it is a relevant point that I think deserves recognition in contrast to OP’s personal experience.
anon
If you’re so eager to share your helpful perspective, then why don’t you? You apparently have all this valid, useful knowledge that us doped-up heathens without critical reasoning skills who are prone to taking advice–without thinking– from internet sites lack, so why don’t you help us out? You didn’t really add a perspective that disagreed– you didn’t make any relevant points. You (basically) just told her to shut up and attempted to discredit her and added the very helpful advice that people should talk to their doctors about medical concerns. You also clearly have an ax to grind about use of medication in general.
Anon at 10:48
No. My point included the fact that there are risks and damages and unknowns associated with taking cannabis products, not that I have knowledge that you don’t. I only mentioned being in the field because I didn’t want my point dismissed as uninformed or “WASPY” or whatever.
I did not tell her to shut up! I welcome her perspective and am sincerely glad she is doing well! I attempted to offer a relevant counterpoint to the discussion but apparently failed in communicating this. Bowing out now…
nona
Someone asked about it last week….
CBD
Hi! OP here. I am a former regular reader but due to work circumstances, I can now only read in the evenings/weekend. I was catching up on posts over the weekend and noticed several people asking about CBD. They wanted to hear about other people’s experiences. That’s why I posted. If you had missed those threads, this post seems very odd.
I don’t seek to gain anything by suggesting it to people. I get no commissions or referrals or anything like that.
I agree that everyone needs to do their own research. I mentioned the situational nature of my depression to highlight that I am not taking it for a major mental health issue. Yes, talk to your medical doctor before stopping any medications.
I have not identified any risk or side effect to CBD oil. While it makes sense to discuss with your medical providers (I did talk about it with mine) not all doctors are comfortable giving an opinion on homeopathic treatment.
Laura B
Sure, it could be damaging, or it could be helpful. I’m not sure what you are trying to accomplish with your post. I’m going to assume the best and that it’s not just about shaming the OP for sharing her experience with an alternative therapy, and that you are genuinely concerned about readers like me – someone who read the post and took the “advice personally”. She specifically states what her experience was and that she spoke with her medical doctor and her therapist about it. That seems to be pretty solid advice. Your doctor might present you every single option under the sun, but I work on a collaborative basis with my doctor and advice from any one single person (doctors included) doesn’t mean I jump. I take responsibility for my own self and health – beyond that of my doctors and people who post comments on blogs.
Personally, nona, thanks again for your post. Don’t worry, you haven’t influenced me to go off and smoke a bunch of pot (heaven forbid!).
Laura B
edit: misstated that nona wasn’t the OP – thanks CBD.
anon
Phew thankfully someone from the US DEA-Internet Forum Policing Division has arrived to save us from this scourge of one individual providing a clear, rational and direct answer to another individual’s question!
“Normalizing drug (whether OTC or not) use?”
Lol. Do you also go on the offense whenever you see someone ask for input about birth control options or tips on getting through the work day with a sinus infection?
Rainbow Hair
Right?! Heaven forbid we normalize the use of drugs as medicine! What’s next, asking if anyone has anecdotal information about acetaminophen vs. ibuprofen for relief of cramps?!?! A very slippery slope!
Anon
Lololol. Treat this like abortions or gay marriage — if you don’t like it, don’t do it, but honestly shut up about it otherwise.
Anon
This is a mean thing to say.
Carrie
This is really useful – thank you for posting. Can I ask, how did you decide on dosage, and did you ramp up or start at full dosage? I take it your psychiatrist didn’t know anything about how to use it / which one to use, and you figured it out on your own?
I have a family member with severe chronic pain who has been referred to a medical Cannabis store to try CBD dominant cannabis products, and we have been so reticent to try it. While several of his doctors have encouraged him to try it (it is legal for medical use in our state), none of them know anything about, can’t recommend any products or how to use them, how to titrate etc… Just crazy. They are all eager for him to be a guinea pig to teach them! I have read everything I can because it clearly will have a lot of side effects and interactions for my family member (interacts with his blood thinner, may affect his liver so we will need to follow blood tests etc…) which one doctor warned me about. No one can guarantee any purity, consistency of products, and in our area, products are removed from the market all the time, they degrade quickly, and you can’t get much useful information because the people who work there are not medically trained (only a 5 day training course is required in my state). I work in health care and it is truly shocking to me how poorly cannabis is monitored, regulated, and understood. Yet people are jumping to it like crazy.
But yet, we will probably try it because my family member is desperate.
FYI – people are making a fortune in our state from cannabis already. It is very pricey for us, not covered by insurance, requires yearly application fees for an access card for use etc…. In our area a medical cannabis store had only been open for 1 year and was just sold for close to 75 million dollars.
CBD
I posted a reply that has not come through yet where I say I haven’t identified side effects and that post should read FOR ME! Obviously, others may have side effects.
As for dose, I relied on the person at the store (who is also a friend) to give me advice. I’m taking a fairly low dose which is why it is so cheap for me. The bottle is 300 ML, the dropper is 10 ML and I’m taking about 3/4 of a dropper after dinner. If I know I have something particularly anxiety producing in the AM, I take 1/4 dropper then. I think my bottle is $35-$40 and lasts me just over a month.
If your family member is taking JUST CBD (no THC) he shouldn’t need to go through a dispensary if you can find a reputable source. I named the brand I use above but I don’t know if they are shipping out of state or not. I think pain may require a much higher dose but I really don’t know. I’m only basing that on a family friend who gets hers at a dispensary and it is 10x the strength of mine.
Anon
I live in a state where it’s legal and there are stores. I find the sales people to be extremely helpful in figuring out varieties/doses/etc!
Duckles
Right– aside from politics I don’t understand at all why “medical” marijuana isn’t monitored and distributed like any other medicine and why CBD (and any other supplement, for that matter) isn’t monitored by the FDA. It might work but it feels snake oil-y as currently sold and marketed, and if it does have effects they should be better studied like any active ingredient.
Anon
LOL because you can’t study it because it’s not legal federally! You can literally not use federal money to study it, therefore it doesn’t get studied. Doesn’t mean it’s snake oil.
CBD
Properly sourced CBD is legal federally it is derived from legally grown hemp. But you are correct. That is generally why there are no studies. Federally legally sourced CBD is harder to come by.
Laura B
This feels random for a Monday morning thread, but anyone have any lounge pants that they love and recommend? I’m going to a 10 day meditation course next month and I need comfortable pants that preferable don’t make me feel like a complete slob the whole time. But they can’t be leggings. I get that what I’m wearing is so not the point, but…I’ve got to wear pants.
Here’s what I’ve been looking for:
-soft
-warm (going to be in place where it’s winter, and I’ll have to walk between buildings)
-not super sloppy
-not super expensive ($40 (preferable less!!)I just can’t wrap my head around spending $$$ on pants I normally won’t wear outside the house)
-bonus points for light colors or black
Anonymous
Jeans. Wear jeans. Not every endeavor requires new clothes.
Laura B
I will be sitting in meditation for 10 hours each day, for 10 days straight. Jeans are not the answer. My normal workout pants are leggings, and they are specifically not allowed. I have one pair of ratty sweatpants, and a two pair of joggers that are nylon thin and way too cold. It is not extravagant to look for one or two pairs of pants for ten days of silence.
Lobbyist
Addidas track pants might work
S in Chicago
Jeans sound like they would be really uncomfortable for this and the typical choice (existing sweat pants) are ratty, so I’m not sure why all of the pushback. I’d look for a thick jogger. I like the metro ones at Athleta. You can usually find them at big discount on ebay. They wear like iron.
Anonymous
J McLaughlin pants or Lilly Pulitzer navy pants.
Anon
Agreed. Based on a lot of the comments here, it seems people buy entirely new wardrobes for every long weekend getaway they go on.
anon
Normally I’m inclined to agree with you but meditation retreats like this are no joke. She needs comfy pants.
Anon
Check the Soma clearance section. J.Jill has an activewear section, too, that may have something (and if it’s not on sale, wait a day).
I did a 7 day retreat several winters ago, and I was glad to have outdoorsy gear for quiet walks in the woods. The walks were so restorative. But for the life of me, I can’t remember what I wore INDOORS. Also, YMMV, but I was definitely glad I brought my favorite blanket from home – it was cold in my room!
Blessings to you on your retreat. Mine was quite literally life changing.
Laura B
I’m not a winter person (hoping the retreat will help me be at peace in all circumstances – including winter, haha) and so I’m definitely going to be bringing the outdoor gear.
Will definitely be bringing a favorite blanket! We have to bring all our bedding, but a cozy blanket is on the list for sure.
Excited for the retreat. And nervous! But hearing accounts like yours make me more excited!
anon
I really like the Honeydew intimates kickin it leggings (at nordstrom). Ok, I realize they are called leggings, but I was surprised to see that. They fit a little looser than actual leggings do. I’m not sure how warm they would be if you’re spending a lot of time outside in snowy conditions, but for being cozy inside on a cold day, they are great.
Do you have a gap body near you? I’ve found some good lounge pants there before too, but they don’t seem to carry them anymore.
Laura B
I’ll check them out! I wouldn’t have thought to look in gap body, but I’ll check them out. I’m thinking in person shopping might be better anyway, so I can actually feel the fabric thickness. I’m thinking a lot of the pants that drape well and therefore look better online are actually because they have thin fabric.
Shopaholic
Aerie has some that they classify as PJ pants but I love them dearly with my whole heart. I wear them to lounge around the house. They are out of most sizes now but I expect they will restock soon.
Anonymous
I really like the Old Navy activewear joggers. They aren’t very warm, but are so comfortable and reasonably flattering for sweats.
I also have Lulu On the Fly and Studio pants. Obviously much more expensive, but I wear them out of the house because they’re not sweatpant material. Mine aren’t lined, but the studio pants do come lined. Lulu pants like this are the most flattering, IME. They’re cut pretty nicely and come in number sizes instead of just XS-XXL or whatever.
Never too many shoes...
More expensive, but lululemon makes pants that are perfect for this. And I think you will get more wear out of them than you think after the fact.
Coach Laura
I love landsend yoga pants. Inexpensive but wear like iron. You can usually get a 40% or 50% off day this time of year
I also love my betabrand dress yoga pants. If you want something that you might wear later on a casual day or to wear on the weekend to work, moving offices or something like that where good pants wouldn’t work, they might be a nice option.
Anon
A note on Lands End yoga pants, I’ve bought some within the last year and the darker colors fade fast. It doesn’t matter if you’re only wearing them around the house/to a retreat where no one cares what you look like. I favor the gray as you can’t see fading in them.
Panda Bear
Pact Organic drawstring lounge pants – I would like to wear these all day, every day.
CHL
I like the Uniqlo fleece lined sweatpants. Not the coolest thing ever but so warm and comfy.
Anonymous
Adidas T10 pants, Express varsity joggers, Oldnavy has a bunch of options midrise jogger pants for women or french terry joggers
Equestrian Attorney
I was contacted by a recent grad through my alumni network who was interested in a potential opening at my company and wanted to chat about my experience generally. We set up a coffee date, which he canceled the day of for a family emergency. I was understanding and offered to reschedule for 2 pm on Saturday. He messaged me at 12 asking to move the meeting to 7pm. I pointed out the coffee shop would be closed by then and offered to go for a drink at the bar across the street. He said no, he doesn’t drink alcohol, then went MIA. The next morning he sent me a pretty agressive message about how I clearly don’t have time to help him and won’t accommodate his religion so never mind. I’m a little floored, to be honest – the whole interaction with him was abrupt and uncomfortable. Is there any point in letting him know he should be a little more professional when reaching out for networking purposes?
Anonymous
I don’t think some people want to be told they need to be more professional. I tried a couple times and it backfired.
Anonymous
If I wanted to spend any time and effort on this, I’d complain to the alumni network office instead of giving feedback directly to the kid. I’d phrase it as “Just so you know, I had this experience with one of your recent grads. You might want to provide some better guidance on appropriate networking behavior.”
Anon
This. The career office at my school sends me students to chat with pretty frequently and I have definitely told them, “Hey, this most recent student? Going nowhere fast with that attitude.”
Pompom
Going to weigh in on this from the school side for a minute. Yes, do reach out, please! But also please do not assume that they are not already providing excellent guidance, or that this person ever even contacted the alumni or career office for guidance or to get in touch. People who are as unprofessional as OP describes wouldn’t follow amazing, sound advice if it hit them upside the head. This is not the fault of the career services or alumni office. They will want to know, but as a courtesy and not as an indictment on their work.
Equestrian Attorney
I definitely don’t mean that as a criticism – the head of my alma mater’s professional development office is a former colleague and friend of mine, and I know they do a great job. Just wondering if a “hey, as a heads up, my experience with X wasn’t great because of XYZ” would be helpful.
Pompom
Oh, of course. I was responding to Anon at 10:46, which I didn’t make clear!
Definitely reach out. They want to know. But they might not be able to do anything.
Anon
I would do two things. 1) Let him know that it is unprofessional, that the person asking for the favor should be accomodating as possible because no one owes you anything, and rescheduling multiple times with little notice, and responding aggressively is incredibly unprofessional. I give you full permission to ream him because how else will he learn about professional standards. 2) I would also reach out to the alumni network that set you up so that they will be warned and may be able to offer some coaching – the advice coming from two directions (and tbh from a man because an entitled little *hit like this probably has some misogyny working behind the scenes for thinking he can respond to you like that) may sink in more.
Anon
I would just ignore this tool and let him burn his own bridges. I would also mention this to the hiring manager at your company. So sick of aggressive men getting away with bad behavior all the damn time.
anon
I would mentally say good riddance to him, but I would definitely let your HR department know about his rude behavior in case he applies for the opening. I did a lot of informational interviews when I was a recent grad. I would NEVER have acted like that, even if the contact had been the one to blow off the first appointment.
Anonymous
No don’t bother. Also though don’t reschedule for 7pm Saturday night at a bar. That is a date. I’d hate it if a man put me in that position. Think a little more.
Equestrian Attorney
Um, ok, but he is the one who asked for 7pm – I would prefer to spend my Saturday evenings with my friends and family but was doing him a favor. Where was I supposed to go? Maybe this is industry-specific but I go to bars with men (clients, colleagues, networking meetings) all the time. It’s never been a thing. If he wants to work in the industry it’s bound to come up.
Anonymous
Not on weekends.
Anon
I’m always amazed at the ability of commenters on this site to find ways to cast blame on posters. It really is quite something. He asked for a 7 pm meeting. OP was attempting to accommodate his request. Think a lot more.
Anonymous
Perhaps she doesn’t know that setting up work meetings on weekend nights over drinks is not done by men OR women in many lines of work, even though where entertaining clients is common. It’s not about blame but about offering information.
Anon
*snort* mmmkay. I My opportunity arose after I had drinks with a colleague on a Friday night. He thought I would be a good fit after we talked and referred me for the position. I’m in law. The poster herself is in an industry where this is done as well.
Anon
Is Mike Pence or Ma Pence posting here? There’s plenty of wholly innocuous (GASP!) bars where no one force-feeds you an alcoholic drink. I agree to meet people for coffee all the time but I don’t drink coffee? I don’t know many practicing _any religion_ that refuse to step foot in a bar based on their beliefs. Surely this guy could have ordered a Sprite or Coke or fizzy water, no?
Anonymous
I mean… a man did put her in that situation. He asked for 7 pm on a Saturday. Whether that’s at a bar or a coffee shop that’s open late makes little difference, imo.
Anon
Okay, Mike Pence . . .
Cat
Give HR the heads up. You may actually want to ask them/your in house employment counsel about whether you should respond to his allegation of “refusing to accommodate his religion” because that sounds like he’s trying to set up your company for a discrimination claim.
Equestrian Attorney
Yeah, that kind of freaked me out. I had no idea he was religious in the first place, and the bar definitely offers non-alcoholic options, it’s just the closest thing that was open at 7pm on a Saturday short of actually going for a full dinner. I might give HR a heads up and reach out to the alumni network. I’m undecided on whether I will bother to respond to him directly. Thanks for all the helpful responses!
Anon
The special snowflake isn’t special enough for a response. Just log and file all correspondence away just in case.
Anonymous
Sounds like a typical angry Muslim male – my culture is full of them and when something doesn’t go their way they cry RELIGION. I’d respond to him in 1-2 sentences so he doesn’t have the last word and he gets the sense his shot at your co is over — I don’t appreciate your town and as the job seeker, you are exprected to have time and location flexibity; good luck in your future endeavors at other companies.
IDK if I’d make HR aware. What are they going to do? I imagine he’s looking to work in your area – not just your company broadly – so can’t you just see if he comes thru the interview/offer process and say something then? IDK that people getting 100 or 1000 applications a day are keeping black ball lists of grad students. I would however email his school’s career services and forward the email chain.
Re: Parents Coming to Visit from Different Country
I am the citizen poster who mentioned not being able to have my parents come visit me and I had responses about people not understanding why they could not because “we give out tourist visas.”
I really appreciated the poster who explained that while we “do,” it sometimes doesn’t really work that way in real life, especially in countries that we generally don’t have a “line” for people to immigrate to the U.S.
In any case, I wanted to encourage posters who aren’t familiar with this, to check out the incredibly heartbreaking story of Hania Aguilar, a 13-year-old girl who was abducted and later found dead. Her dad is a Guatemalan business man who was denied an expedited visa to attend her funeral because authorities believed he “lacked strong ties to Guatemala” and posed the risk of not returning to Guatemala after the funeral. While this has gotten worse under this administration, this has been happening for a long time for certain countries. Her grandmother and uncle were able to secure visas, but other family members were not. It is so unbelievably arbitrary and that is where my family is stuck, as are countless other parents of American citizens.
This is not to start an argument on immigration policy, but to raise awareness. It is important that people know how our immigration system works, so that when changes are proposed or situations (such as the asylum seekers) occur, people know how things actually work.
Anonymous
I am not sure of the whole story of the dad here, but this has been in the news a lot in my state and there has been some whisperings that the mom may have left him for a very good reason and it may not be all bureaucracy that caused this. I don’t know the truth of the whisperings, but I can imagine a situation where it easily could be.
Anonymous
100% agree that immigration decisions can be very arbitrary.
But in the case you noted, I’m wondering if there is something going on as other family members were approved and he wasn’t despite a few higher level people in govt voicing their support for him being allowed to come.
Anon
I worked in a congressional office and frequently saw people writing in asking for help with tourist visa petitions that had been denied. It’s a real problem and it’s NEVER easy – unless you’re from a European country or another country (mostly white ones) where visas aren’t required.
ex-Diplonon
Also, decisions in visa cases are not public, and we have rules prohibiting the release of information on specific cases. If a visa is refused because of a serious criminal conviction of the applicant, for example, that information cannot be made public even if the applicant or the family/friends/supporters go to the press alleging unfair/arbitrary treatment. Same if the visa was refused for a missing document, or some very minor issue. I have seen one case – NOT THIS ONE, for the record – of a person who was the victim of domestic violence who received asylum in the United States. The victim’s husband was denied a nonimmigrant (tourist) visa to attend a family emergency, and he raised a stink in the local press about the lack of humanity of the U.S. Embassy, etc etc. In another, a very wealthy applicant was refused a visa to attend a business meeting due to a previous marriage fraud conviction related to an immigrant visa to the U.S., and the U.S. company raised a stink and got a member of the U.S. Congress involved. The USG could not comment in either case. I’m sure we did not issue visas to totally legit travellers who fully intended to return to their home country as they promised, but for whatever reason didn’t have the documents to support a visa issuance. (And the US law on visas is really tough and sloppy and sometimes just weird. But it’s the law and the consular officers are held responsible for nonimmigrant visas they issue to people who then don’t follow the rules, but not for not issuing nonimmigrant visas.) So yes, we denied unnecessarily. In other cases, we fell for stories and papers that were not legit, or people changed their minds once arriving to the US, which is how you get the current stats on undocumented migrants (most arrive with valid visas then overstay). That the system is imperfect and needs an overhaul, from where I sat in the trenches, was quite quite clear.
On the other hand, I’d be wary of taking at face value any specific story if there is the remote possibility you don’t have the full story.
Anonymous
I will say that in the Hania Aguilar case, the local rumblings of the dad have been particularly loud and unfavorable.
Again, I don’t know the truth of the matter, but sometimes I think back to the rule in evidence that sometimes the reputation in the community (of people who know the mother / children) matters. Even if not true, the same story is getting told consistently. [FWIW, I have not seen the mother/other family make any statements that they are upset that the dad couldn’t come.]
TL;DR: this situation may be more complicated that one noisy side is making it out to be (or not)
Anon
I have an increasingly hard time being around people who consume mindlessly for fun. These are friends who post on instagram memes about how much they love shopping at Target. They call me a buzzkill for not wanting to go shopping for fun or not wanting to exchange gifts. I do go thrifting but would describe my aesthetic as pretty minimalistic. I try to buy local or high quality goods so I don’t have to make as many purchases. I find myself in a target maybe two times a year.
I just can’t get behind things like one time use t shirts from events as “cute” as they might be or party decorations that get thrown out immediately. I don’t make comments about their purchases/choices but by choosing something different than they do they comment how I am “No fun.”
To me every purchase comes questions about is this using the world’s resources the best way it could be. Could I be reusing something or borrowing this purchase? Could I be buying local or from a company with more ethical standards. I get bogged down quickly by the weight that we are a buy buy society when we are dealing with real effects of climate choices. My friends don’t seem to consider that with every purchase we are using the world’s resources to make it, that someone in a factory perhaps worked in poor conditions to make it, that we used the world’s resources to get it to them and that someone possibly worked in a shipping warehouse in horrible conditions to get it to us in two days shipping.
Anyone else struggle with this balance?
Anonymous
Yes. It’s a little isolating but it aligns with my values so “I do me”.
Equestrian Attorney
I really hate mindless consumerism too, and share your loathing for one-time T-shirts or other cutesy non-reusable gadgets. But I try to apply that to my personal life and let other people live their lives as they please. And I occasionally do something stupid like mindlessly buying new nail polish even though I already have more than I need, because it makes me happy in the moment.
I definitely try to consider the points you listed above, though, and have seen a similar trend with a lot of my friends and family, but not everyone. Maybe you need to make new friends you can talk about this with? I don’t mean cutting off other friends, just have new people you can share that ethic with.
Anonymous
I do struggle with it a bit but I deal with it by enjoying shopping for consumables. So you don’t want to go to Target, do they want to meet you at the farmer’s market for local treats? Or go to a wine show highlighting local wines together? Or cooking class? Lots of ways to hang out that are fun and not shopping. And you can still go with someone and chat about what they are buying. Take the pressue off youreself and them with respect to ‘every single purchase’. Focus on buying local/ethical etc as much as you reasonably can but it’s okay to not worry about it for every single thing in your whole life.
Anonymous
I get it. Target makes me want to cry— and I do shop there because I need paper products, etc and think it’s a better environmental and socially responsible choice than doing Amazon prime for a roll of paper towels (and Amazon/Target/Walmart have killed all local walkable alternatives for me).
I’m past the phase of life where I have a friend pack, but my MIL is a big fan of single use holiday decorations and themed tee shirts from Old Navy. Whenever I start to judge her or feel overwhelmed by the stuff she gives my kids, I remind myself of all of the other choices she makes that are “better” than mine. For example, she never seems to need to throw away produce she didn’t get around to cooking. (My example was an environmental one, but it could also have been that she’s unfailingly generous with her friends.) Maybe it would help you to focus on the positives with your friends- and if they give you a hard time for not being fun, try to explain to them that you’re not trying to force your choices on them but that it makes you unhappy for yourself to buy an event tee (or whatever).
Lots to Learn
Just wanted to say that this is a really thoughtful approach to the situation. Nice.
Idea
I do struggle with it but for me quite honestly it is a budget thing, not nec. an ideals or even a save-the-earth thing.
I just can’t afford to spend what I’d like to. People seem to understand that. But I also take a less-judgmental approach to others’ spending – oh, hey! You got that eclipse shirt! Good for you! You’re getting a new car again after 3 years while I’m driving my 10 year old clunker? How fun, please let me admire it! Everyone loves balloons!
Who cares?
Anonymous
I would not be so quick to judge someone solely for shopping at Target. I love Target because I can get some groceries and all of my household basics there for less $$$ than at the grocery store. I am a minimalist and care about ethical consumption. I strive to own “fewer, better things.” I don’t buy holiday t-shirts or tchotchkes or cheap purses or disposable throw pillows, but I still heart Target.
Anon
You completely missed the point of OP’s comment. It wasn’t an attack on anybody who shops at Target.
Anonymous
So much this. I struggled immensely with wedding dress shopping. I buy almost all of my clothes second hand and always planned on doing the same for my wedding dress, but then when DH and I decided to get married, I had literally 1 week to find a dress. Now that its over and done with I’m disgusted with the fact that I spent over 1k on a stupid dress I wore once, and didn’t even look that great on me. I refused to buy new shoes, shawl, undergarments or anything else because the consumerism just overwhelmed me!
Anon
I get you. I feel the same way. I don’t even have friends who consume that way. All my friends are frugal, so whether they care about environment or not, they consume less (starting from electricity) to save money. So it is not a problem with my friends.
However, I get stressed out when I see so much holiday decoration, plastic toys and just general junk in the shop. All I can think about how much resources it has taken to make, how much pollution it has caused, how much of it will sit on this planet for thousands of years.
I came across this short video and it just made me depressed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AhSNsBs2Y0&pbjreload=10
anon
woah that video is depressing.
Anonymous
If you don’t like the people you call friends and think their values are bad, then you need to make new friends.
Recommend your artificial Christmas tree
Does anyone have a really nice artificial Christmas tree? Where did you get it? Thanks!
Anonymous
Costco has great pre-lit trees. Balsam Hill is another source, but more expensive.
Never too many shoes...
I have a slimline (small space issues) pre-lit from Costco and I love it.
Senior Attorney
We got one from Balsam Hill. Not cheap but super easy to put together and it looks amazing.
anon a mouse
+1, they are the best.
Help
Looking for advice on how to handle this situation. I think I’ve learned a big lesson on following high caliber people around job/company wise….because I recently did so, and now I feel stuck. Some background – I spent my last several years at a job that I really did not like. It grew worse over the past year after the departure of several senior executive. I was recruited by a senior exec to join them at new company. I was flattered, excited, and moved to a different state to take this job. Several months in, I’m realizing it wasn’t just the job I didn’t like…it’s the industry. I’m having a whole meltdown upon realizing this and I’m desperate to get out. As in crying on my way home, this-is-not-what-I-want-to-do-with-my-life daily escapades. I know that if I leave, I will majorly burn this bridge and likely never work for this niche field again. My friends say who cares since I don’t want to work in this field anyway and that I need to worry about my own well being and that I can always spin it as “this offer came up that I couldn’t refuse, I applied before I came here.” I’m weighing whether to stick it out for another 9 months before I start looking (is 1 year of employment my obligatory time commitment for this senior exec not to be furious?)
Anonymous
Listen to your friends.
Anon
I’ve been in your shoes before, and I have a few words of wisdom.
1) This too shall pass. Really. I know this feels gigantic and impossible and you.have.to.get.out.now, but take a deep breath. You can get through this.
2) Careers rarely progress in the straight line that school career offices tell you they must. They zig and zag and you learn so much along the way and end up a better, more well-rounded person for all of it. (Even when you’re at a job that makes you cry, sometimes negative lessons are powerful ones.) No one progresses through life in a neat, orderly, predictable way, and that’s a good thing.
3) Start applying for jobs now, but don’t quit this job without something else lined up. The right next opportunity will come along for you.
Anonymous
+1
Some more words of advice …
1. Take a deep breath and sort out these issues from each other. Don’t lump all your distress into one huge ball.
2. Following the exec is not what caused the problem. Don’t vow never to do it again. Being in the wrong industry is causing the problem. Sometimes following an exec is a great idea.
3. Separate out your job distress from any distress you feel about being in the new state, being away from your friends, feeling lonely, and feeling disconnected.
4. Separate any distress you feel about this particular job / workplace / coworkers from the distress you feel about the industry.
5. Now … you can survive this. This job likely isn’t absolutely terrible. Don’t leap into the next thing simply to get relief from this thing.
anon
All of this is great advice. I second the suggestion to start looking now. I waited a year in a job I hated and don’t think I did any better for it.
Anon
Without more info it seems like you’ve gotten in your head that this isn’t a great situation for you and all outcomes are bad. Either you stay and are miserable or you go and people are furious. Neither of those are true but I get that it’s tough not to feel that way sometimes.
Step 1 is to think about what you do want – can you bear the job long enough to decide what you want to move toward instead of just reacting away from something?
Step 2 – ideally after step 1 but maybe the same time – try actually talking to this exec or some other trusted leader in this new job. They liked you enough to recruit you and sure they might be disappointed but unless they are insane they will not be furious. Thank them for the opportunity. Tell them you thought it was going to be interesting but it turns out you’re not super happy (whether work, location, whatever). You don’t see it as a forever plan but because you appreciate the opportunity and respect the person you want to transition in the best way possible. You’ll obviously have to tailor this and ideally you’ve done step one so you can say I think I want more of x in my life so I’m going for that which is a bit nicer than I just don’t want y in my life. Exec might say well i can make x happen let’s do this. They may say they are disappointed but they aren’t going to be furious (unless they are cray).
It’s a bit of nuclear option because your cards are all on the table but if you’re really melting down daily over this work I don’t think it’s the time to be coy about what you want for fear of burning a bridge or playing your hand too soon. Do try to not melt down in the discussion.
Anon
I think you should leave.
I was in this situation in last year. Within a couple of months, I just knew it was not the job for me. My manager was also concerned that I was going to leave, the senior person who hired me (with whom I was working most of the time) also felt I was going to leave. My manager called a meeting after I didn’t go to work a couple of days because I was sick. He wanted to make sure I was not interviewing else where because he knew the way this senior person was treating me.
The senior person was the problem, she hired me and then expected me to be a servant. I had an authority or freedom of any sort. If I do anything I was being crushed inside. I was feeling nervous to even see her. I should have left right then. But I held out to complete one year. I became more and more frustrated about all the time I was wasting with her, on top of that I was miserable feeling like a slave. One day, I asked her to stop treating me the way she was treating me. It went all downhill from there. It became so toxic. Bridges were anyway burnt because of that. I don’t even care about maintaining the bridges now because I don’t want to go back to that place even if I am jobless.
I left within two months of that. The one and only regret I have is not leaving when it became clear that it was not going to work for me.
Anon
Edited to correct: “I had no authority or freedom of any sort. I was being crushed inside.”
Anon
Has anyone here ever dealt with feelings of self-loathing? I’m going to bring this up with my therapist at our next appointment, but I’d love to hear if other people have successfully gotten over this. No matter what the people in my life tell me, I feel truly, deeply inadequate and worthless, despite the fact that I can look at my accomplishments and logically know that I would be pretty impressed if it were anybody else.
pugsnbourbon
It comes and goes, but yes. I found this Ask Polly column a little helpful: https://www.thecut.com/2018/10/ask-polly-everything-i-do-is-wrong.html
Also the quote from the best worst movie, Garden State: “I like being mediocre. I sleep better.”
anon
Absolutely I have. Read Brene Brown’s books. I liked “Daring Greatly.” I talk about it with my therapist often and while I’m still a work in progress, I’ve successfully resolved a lot of these thoughts.
Yes
Oh gosh. Yes. Talk about it with your therapist. Then talk about it more. This has been one of the hardest and most elusive issues for me to deal with in my own life, but therapy is beginning to crack the shell, and now I am starting to be attuned to that self-loathing voice in my head and able to consciously redirect it.
Parfait
Raising hand. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helped me.