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Updated: Jul 7, 2022 328 Comments · by

Weekend Hall of Fame: Brookside Sweater

Weekend Open Thread | · ·

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Update: This sweater is included in the 2022 Nordstrom Anniversary Sale for $84! (I have two of them; if you like the oversized look this is for you!)

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

I know, I know — everyone loves Free People's Ottoman Slouchy Tunic. And it's really great… if you're ok with a high neckline.

For my money, though, I always prefer a scoop- or V-neck — and if it's billowy and comfortable, all the better. The pictured sweater is getting a ton of good reviews — and I find myself finding it difficult to choose which of the 12 colors I like the best. (Acai? It might be acai. Aaaah but the blue and green are great as well!)

The sweater is available in sizes S-XL, is hand-washable, and is $128 at Nordstrom, Free People, Bloomingdale's, Shopbop, and Evereve.

Psst: Random sale of note: I just bought more of these beautiful, unusual acrylic glasses from Mario Luca Giusti, currently on sale at Neiman Marcus for 30% off. They're more than we usually pay for plastic glasses ($12-$25 per glass), but I like them for outdoor dining/drinking, and we also use some of the bigger tumblers for bedside water glasses. We love the Milly, Lente, and just ordered the Venezia. We also got the Pallas pitcher, which is super lightweight but pretty.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Wine delivery Alexandria, VA

    I’d like to send a bottle of pinot noir to a friend who lives in an assisted living facility in Alexandria. Any recommendations for a wine store that delivers? Or a winery that will mail wine to Virginia?

    • anon a mouse

      Total Wine, Wegmans and Whole Foods are all good options here. Technically they are supposed to check ID of the recipient; I find that they do so about half the time.

    • Anonymous

      Planet Wine is fabulous and they have a PDF delivery menu on their website.

    • Anonymous

      For smaller businesses, UnWined in Alexandria. Crystal City Wine Shop in Arlington.

      • Gift Delivery

        I have the same question but for Washington DC proper. Any other suggestions? Thank you!

        • Anonymous

          I believe Calvert Woodley delivers. There is a wine shop by Farragut North that I really liked that may. It was between L and M on 18th street

    • Ellen

      I have a freind that lives in Arlington. If you give me her name and address, I can arrange for a $20 bottle of Pino Noir to be delivered courtesy of my freind.

  2. NationalAnthem

    Thinking of the poster who awhile ago was leaving a relationship because they didn’t see a future… I really related to the post, thought about it a lot, and now am planning on ending a long term relationship this weekend. I love my significant other but there are some issues that no matter how much I try we never seem to work through, and I’ve realized I cannot see myself marrying and having children with him. We have been together for severs years and live together. It is heartbreaking because he is a good person and I want him to be happy, but I am not happy in our relationship and I can’t keep picking his happiness over mine. Any words of wisdom or advice for this painful journey? I have had “the only way out is through” as a mantra through this process, courtesy of Senior Attorney.

    • Anon

      I left a long-term relationship with a very good man because it wasn’t moving forward. My biggest regret is not having left after a year or two, instead of getting thoroughly frustrated at year 4.

      You can’t undo the last seven years, nor can you go back in time and end back in 2014. You can end it now, in 2020, so 2022 you isn’t mad that it’s year 9 and you’re still in this.

      • Anon

        +1 I left a relationship after seven years and wished I had done it sooner. I was glad I did it when I did so it didn’t last longer.

    • Anonym

      I like to read romance novels & watch romantic comedies at this stage as a sort of reminder that a magical connection is out there, or to keep the dream alive, or to focus on/indulge in the fantasy of better things. The more improbable or absurd the better! Wishing you the best.

    • Senior Attorney

      Aw, big hugs!! You are doing the right thing and I think “I can’tkeep picking his happiness over mine” is a darned good mantra, too. I also was fond of “this time next year things will be much better!”

      Also you are really doing him a favor, too, even if it doesn’t feel like it, because he deserves to be with somebody who will be happy to be with him!

    • Emma

      I’ve been there. You are doing the right thing. The only way out is through (thanks, SA, for this nugget of wisdom I also relied on). I’m almost two years out, dating a fantastic person I see a future with, in a better place career-wise, friendship-wise, and mental-health-wise. I you live together, have an exit strategy ready. Try to do things fairly but make sure you have a copy of all important documents, leases or mortgages, joint bank accounts, your passport, etc. I lived with a friend for two weeks while I found another place.

    • anon

      Hugs from this internet stranger. “Love is not charity” is what I’ve learned to tell myself recently. I wasn’t that far along in the relationship, but I also broke it off with someone who was nice and who liked me enough to be heartbroken over it. But in the end, I knew what I want or didn’t want, and had to prioritize my own happiness. I’m glad you’re prioritizing yours.

    • Anonymous

      Hugs. Wishing you both a peaceful transition and new beginning. I faced a similar decision in my mid-20’s, but I wasn’t living with him. It was a very difficult decision because he also was genuinely such a nice, good person, and the early years of our relationship were extremely wonderful. I held on for way too long thinking the issues we were having would magically resolve, and wasted years of my life doing so. I am so glad I left, I wish I had done it years earlier. I am happily married now, and think of ex often, but never in a regretful way. I just miss his friendship, we have had zero contact in almost a decade.

    • Calico

      Been there, done that! Good for you to find the courage. I spent five years in a relationship like this.

      I’m seven years out now. Married. Much happier. The only advice I can give is that I spent a lot of time thinking of it as “five years wasted.” Looking back now, I like to frame it as lessons I needed to learn, not wasted time. Plus, there are many wonderful memories and ways I positively changed in that relationship that I like about myself.

      • Anon

        +1 And I remind myself that all my good fortune came from where I was when I exited that relationship. And I wouldn’t have been in that place (mentally, physically) without the relationship.

  3. Easy book on ITP law (copyright focus)

    Get this — my tween is into a lot of art based on characters from video games. And then I think she writes fan fiction based on what she draws.

    She is afraid to post them because she thinks that she is breaking copyright law (kid you not). I have tried to read the Wikipedia on copyrights, derivative works, fair use, etc., but I think it is time for her to read the “Copyright Law for Dummies” if such a book exists.

    She’s not making any $. It’s just a site for people to post art projects etc. on. She’s got a pretty good reading level, so it doesn’t have to be a kids’ book, more like something for an average non-lawyer adult reader (or maybe beginning law students vs professional lawyers).

    • Anon

      I think it’s great that she’s thinking about this. Lots of people draw and write fan fiction on commission — if she continues to be interested in it, it could become a source of income, so it’s good to be educated on that aspect of it.

    • Anonymous

      Why are you so keen to convince her to post her work? I discourage my teen from posting any of her art or writing, because she may not want it to be out there later on when she’s applying for grad school or jobs. I would die of embarrassment if people could find stuff I did in high school or even college.

      • Anon

        So you’d rather OP tell her daughter she should be ashamed of what she’s doing instead? That’s a great message to send . . .

      • Anon

        We have these things called usernames now. It’s very unlikely anyone doing a background check for a job will ever associate an adult woman in 2030 with fanfic writer MerlinArthur4Eva in 2020.

    • PolyD

      Not a lawyer, but there is literally a whole website, fanfiction.com, so I doubt it’s illegal to write and post fan fiction for others to read. I think as long as you acknowledge what is is and don’t make money, it’s most likely fine.

    • Flats Only

      I think she is using that excuse not to post because she thinks it will fly with you. A LOT of fanfic starts out with a disclaimer that the writer doesn’t own the characters, blah, blah, blah, and if she’s read any fanfic she’s surely seen these. Most likely the stories are sexually explicit, and she’s either just wants to keep them private, is afraid someone will connect the posted story back to her, or is embarrassed that her Mom might read them (or course!). Don’t push her – if she enjoys writing fanfic she surely knows where and how to post it, and can do so when she feels comfortable. [I am assuming from your description that you “think she writes fan fiction…” that you’ve not read any of what she’s written.

      • Anonymous

        It’s more that there are mostly pictures of characters and wording and annotations around them with made-up stories about the characters. I’m not sure how much is made up versus annotating something with art and embellishments (like an illuminated manuscript with margin notes). It is all G rated.

    • Anonymous

      Copyright laws are not the same all over the world. If you are in the US, there is a resource you might find some use for called the Digital Media Law Project (connected to a Harvard centre). It is no longer being updated, but it can still give you a starting point for finding out what kinds of issues it’s worth learning about.

      For fair use, here is the (no longer updated) page: http://www.dmlp.org/legal-guide/fair-use

      She can probably learn a lot about copyright in the communities around the fanfiction or fanart site as well – this is not an issue only she is concerned about.

    • Anon2

      Archive of Our Own is a fanfic site that was founded by an attorney who has gone on to publish her own original fiction. I think she does a blog on these types of legal issues – not sure about a book.

  4. NY CPA

    A fun question for your Friday afternoon: what is everyone baking these days?

    The past 2 months have been absolutely crazy for me, and I finally have a quiet weekend at home for the first time, so I’d like to bake something!

  5. Anonymous

    I really liked this article in the San Francisco Chronicle about the rise of violence in East Oakland and how residents there feel disconnected from the “defund the police” calls of wealthy whites who live in safe neighborhoods. They are fed up with serious violence and long police response times in their neighborhoods, which have seen increasing crime in recent months. As we await results, I’m really, really hopeful that Democrats can recapture the messaging on this issue. Biden and most other moderate Democrats don’t actually want to defund the police, but that message is getting really lost. I really want to find ways to maintain momentum and make changes to the police that most reasonable people can agree on.

    https://www.sfchronicle.com/crime/article/Oakland-pledged-to-cut-its-police-budget-in-half-15689857.php

    • Anonymous

      I really wish the tag line was ‘Defund the Police and Re-fund Community Supports’.

      Policing should be for investigation and violence. Mental Health/Drug addiction should be dealt with social workers and nurses with police support as needed. Plus mental health courts and drug treatment courts instead of sending those people into the regular system.

      • Anonymous

        But a lot of what is wrong in those neighborhoods is interpersonal crime (often: crime that shoots into houses or sprays bullets and kills perfectly innocent people; killing even rivals / people you don’t like is still wrong though and seems to beget more of the same). Mental health / drug addition is wide of the mark.

        • Anonymous

          That’s why I said policing is still necessary for violence?

          And pretty sure the mental health of the families living in those neighborhoods could use some support.

      • Anonymous

        You need police to respond to the initial call, you can’t expect a social worker to deal with a potentially violent person. The homeless range from the temporarily displaced to violent drugs offenders. The SF DA’s policy of not charging for misdemeanors and quality of life offenses may sound humane but has resulted in a rash of theft, and neighborhoods where the streets are littered with feces and needles.

        • Anonymous

          I specifically said the police are necessary for violence and need to support social workers in violent situations. There are lots of non-violent situations were police respond because there are no other appropriate community resources to do so. Community resources should be available for when police are not necessary so police can focus on situations where they are needed.

          I didn’t suggest not charging anyone. Failing to charge is a useless practice when intervention is required. I suggested Mental Health courts and Drug Treatment courts which involve charging people but providing alternative sentencing options so they are monitored through specific treatment problems. Specialized judges, prosecutors, public defenders and social workers plus medical and housing support as needed.

          • A

            Have you ever spent time in a Mental Health court? I have, LA has had mental health court since at least the early 80s. They manage a 72 hour hold for patient evaluation and then they can only extend commitment if the person is a danger to himself or others, i.e., suicidal or violent. Almost everyone ends up right back on the street. It is a very expensive effort that at the end of the day really no more effective than a drunk tank.

            SF is trying diversion centers to provide resources for those who want to transition off the streets, but they are not a substitute for managing those who do pose a danger to others. We need cops on patrol for that.

          • Anonymous

            I have and, again, that is not the type of mental health court I am talking about. Mental Health Court for people who are competent to stand trial and able to recognize that their diagnosis impacts their ability to deal with being incarcerated or adhere to probation conditions. They have to chose to participate but often do because they recognize that otherwise they may face jail time. Sentencing is suspended as long as they adhere their treatment plans which can last as long as 24 months before transferring to community organization support once they graduate the program. There are social workers and psychologists assigned to the court who provide additional support, workable treatment plans and regular updates to the judge. Both prosecutor and Defense counsel are trained in mental health issues. Variations on this model exist in a number of Canadian provinces. It is entirely and completely separate from psych holds for evaluation.

    • Anonymous

      I hope you’re right.

      Portland to me is a lovely city, but a complete WTF mess now, sort of living out the worst Portlandia stereotypes. Ditto Seattle. Which is fine until you get to cutting an essential service to a neighborhood that is unsafe, where the people feel unsafe and that it’s getting worse. What do you say to these people? So far, it has been a bit fat nothing.

      • LaurenB

        Is there anyone here who is actually living in Portland who can speak to this? I agree; I have to say, the *one* thing my Trump-supporting relatives can point to is what a mess it is now

        • Anon

          Yeah unless you live in Portland or Seattle you can’t really speak to this. I just asked my good friend in Portland about it and he said it doesn’t affect him or his daily life at all.

          • Walnut

            I live in Seattle and frequently play the “gunshots or fireworks” game in my neighborhood. It’s usually gunshots. Defunding the police is not going to make my neighborhood any safer. There’s a really lovely looking park with a brand new play structure my kids beg to go to, but the rampant gang activity in the area takes it off the table.

          • LaurenB

            Well, it affects *some* people in Portland, maybe not him — just like violence in Chicago affects *some* people and is still important to address even though it doesn’t impact me and mine.

          • Curious

            Walnut what side of Seattle are you on? That shocks me, but I also came from Chicago, so…
            We mostly just play the “emergency vehicle or high speed chase?” game (near Aurora and a big cross street).

          • Ellen

            Those both used to be beautiful cities in the 1990’s. At what point did the radicals move in and turn them into dangerous places? I met a guy at the Pike Street Market throwing fish that wanted to marry me, and he had only met me for 5 minutes! I wonder whatever happened to him? What a complete shame. If Biden becomes president, which appears likely, Dad says he will need to step up and bring in some people in to both Seattle and Portaland to straighten out the people and tell them that unless they stop their Bull$hit, it will be lights out for them. I think Dad is right!

        • Anonymous

          In San Francisco, we have a lot of “WTF” moments too. Honestly, people who don’t live there can’t really understand how bad it can get. It’s less about violent crime and more about severe degradation in neighborhoods. I felt so, so awful when I learned that children in the Tenderloin neighborhood (who are already overwhelmingly poor and crammed into tiny apartments) could not go outside at all during the pandemic because the streets were overrun with drug dealers, needles, and feces. Playgrounds were closed, their schools were closed, and there was literally nowhere they could escape to. It hit home for me that prioritizing the “rights” of people with severe substance use disorder and mental illness to do anything on the streets meant that we were removing the rights of others to use the streets safely.

          • Anonymous

            We need to land in a space that’s in between people being able to do whatever they want in the streets and police shooting/beating up mentally ill people and incarcerating drug users. It’s not an either/or proposition. There are other options.

          • Anon

            You live in SF and you just learned the Tenderloin is covered in needles and feces? I’m sorry, but that just blows my mind. I left the city 6 years ago and it was like that then. I can’t speak to Portland or Seattle or any other major US city, but the problems in SF and specifically in the Tenderloin predate the recent racial justice protests and calls to defund the police by many, many years.

          • Anonymous

            No, I didn’t say I just learned there were needles in SF. How could I have when they’ve been a daily feature of life for years? I said I made the connection that the needles and drugs were preventing poor children from using the streets to go outside during a pandemic. I’m not sure how many others have made the connection because a lot of people still refuse to acknowledge the damage done by the free for all in the streets.

        • PNWJ

          In the north part of Seattle here. I quit a job in DT Seattle 2 years ago for one in the suburbs partly because I had my car broken into twice in a year and was tired of feeling uneasy when I worked late. It wasn’t enough to be harmful or even make me upset so much as it was just an annoying mess to deal with. Usually when I want to go out (it’s Covid times so not too much of that) I head away from instead of into the dt/cap hill core. The main part parts of Seattle where the protests took place look messy but are cleaning up what is worse is the mass amounts of homeless camps everywhere. Everyone is fighting about what to do about it. In the meantime I’ve seen more drug deals and prostitutes on Aurora (the main drag through the north end) then anytime and I’ve lived here all my life. It’s definitely got a grungier feel to things.

      • Anonymous

        i live in portland, in the city proper. the entire issue IS that the police are focusing all their attention on the protesters, even when they are TOTALLY PEACEFUL and not policing the rest of the city. also none of the portland police live in portland, they live in the super white suburbs, so they all think of our city as the big bad city that they need to come crack down on. and surprise surprise theyre not cracking down on the people stealing stuff out of peoples yards, theyre cracking down on protestors. i actually think if we decrease police presence down town and stop tear gassing the sht out of moms, old navy vets and hipsters and instead dispatch them to catch bike thiefs and violent crime offenders we’d all be better off. i fully support defunding the police and funding mental health services and street-style team to attend to mental health issues, and tell the police to actually go deal with violent crime.

        BTW, all the scary images of looting/”rioting” that are shown are concentrated in very specific parts of town. portland is a lovely city to live in. we love it here and intend to stay. all the media freakout is concentrated to specific points – we’ve been going about our lives in pandemic-normal for months and its fine. we also attend protests, albeit not the ones downtown but neighborhood ones where we’re surrounded by families, kids, and lots of people who want it to be known that BLM.

        • Anon

          Thanks for sharing your perspective; I have been hearing a lot about Portland from people who have never been there ever since it’s been so politicized, so it helps to hear from people who live there and are planning to stay.

        • Anonymous

          We have an office in Seattle that we pay for but cannot use because of the CHAD/CHAZ mess. Like when the city decides to just abandon its territory and not protect people and crime spikes in that area, it’s not safe to send in people. What do we do? I think that the city is now getting sued and rightly so. I don’t think they can just abandon people who just want to go about their lives.

          But this is what people will fear. Not making better police — everyone wants that, even the police that I know. But that they will be abandoned to the mob with no viable help and an indifferent city government.

          Like if there is a fire, they want the fire trucks and the ambulances to come. And if it is too dangerous, they won’t come either.

          • Curious

            Are you actually in Seattle? They switched it to CHOP a long time ago, and also the city swept it out in June. What am I missing here?

          • Anon

            Like Curious, I am also curious (haha) about this. I have a friend who lives in a suburb of Portland and usually works in Portland, but periodically does work out of his firm’s Seattle office, which is located very close to what *was* the Autonomous Zone. He couldn’t go there for a few weeks last spring/summer but he’s been working back in that office since July?

        • Anonymous

          My BF lives in Portland and it is a lot of woke white people with college degrees attempting to speak for those who aren’t. I am sorry, but if you live in the Pearl or light-rail served neighborhoods, you just have no idea about most things in life and you’ve never really had it bad, either.

          Instead of going to protests, maybe find a bad school and tutor a kid there. Talk to their parents. See what their actual concerns are before you start getting into protests that take a turn. Know what you’re even talking about.

          • LaurenB

            Can you clarify what you mean by Pearl or light-rail-served neighborhoods, as those of us not in Portland won’t know what you’re trying to imply? Thanks.

          • Anonymous

            Thanks but no thanks, I’m the portland poster and I’m biracial (black and chinese). Black lives are disproportionately damaged and erased by the portland police and racism is alive and well even here in the city. The protests, while messy af, are necessary otherwise the police force here will NEVER change. and thanks I live in outer SE so you can take your second hand knowledge of the city’s views and leave.

        • Sloan Sabbith

          This is how I feel about seattle. The protests, save for the Memorial Day protests, are almost entirely confined to about three square blocks. Period.

    • Anon

      The “defund the police” call really irked me as it was largely driven by GenZ on social media, the majority of whom are idealistic, ignorant of how the government actually works (as in don’t know the basics of how it functions) and can’t even vote. The overarching message is and always has been to demilitarize the police, cut bloated budgets which allow for them to buy military toys, and actually enforce the codes that govern them (quite a few deaths have occurred because police weren’t following protocol and they were never punished for it – namely Eric Garner and George Floyd who died at the hands of officers incorrectly and fatally detaining them). If demilitarize the police slogan was embraced over this past year, it would have resonated with a much larger base of people and I think Biden would have had an easier time in this election. I don’t think too many people think this is controversial – I saw freaking tanks and noise guns at protests this summer – why the heck does a police force need this? If you need military, call in the national guard who are actually trained to do what they do.

      • Anonymous

        I think if the slogan had been “reimagine the police,” we might have seen broad support for some of the results you describe. Other options could be “reform” or “improve” or anything really…

      • Anonymous

        Demilitarize the police is a great slogan.

        I remember listening to a talk during my International Affairs degree from someone who had served with the United Nations in Yugoslavia and they talked about how in the peacekeeping after the war, it was vastly more effect to use traditional police tactics for crowd control (horses, riot shields, batons) vs. militarized tools like tanks, guns and tear gas. It seems like we’ve gone the opposite direction and militarized the police. There is no spectrum of response – the tanks are rolled out asap. We don’t need military in the streets.

      • Kitten

        Agree. I actually have gone to a couple protests near my apartment to check it out and talk to the protesters and I was left with the same impression.

        I was already in support of severe police reforms but I can see how the defund the police movement might freak people out and cause them to focus on supporting law enforcement rather than reforming it. The idiocy of the protesters also provide easy fodder for the opposition.

    • LaurenB

      I wish the words “defund the police” had never been used. Such a marketing fail. Why not “re-imagine the police” or “re-invent the police” or something that indicates collaboration and collegiality? The average person interprets defund the police as – oh, great, I hear someone breaking into my house and I call 9-1-1 and no one is there. Anyone with the slightest amount of marketing / advertising sense would have known this was a disaster. This was a self-inflicted wound, IMO.

      • Anonymous

        That’s the problem. The people who are living in violent neighborhoods are actually experiencing that (as shown in the article) and they hate it. They don’t want to be injured or killed by police, but they also don’t want to dial 911 and have no one come.

        • Anonymous

          Yep.

          I am not a fan of “when seconds count, the police are only minutes away” manner of thinking, but the tone on opposition to the police is so strident that now people fear that the police won’t be coming at all.

          I get that you could triage domestic (maybe — these are often the most dangerous and likely to go sideways) and mentally ill people, but triaging done right probably isn’t instantaneous. Maybe the best solution is to do more general police training and add to a team a person with a substance abuse / mental health crisis background (but in a year of tight COVID budgets, I don’t see the subtle / hard / expensive fixes happening, sadly).

          • Anonymous

            Triaging can be done quickly in many situations. Like the 911 system in my city allows people to self-identify as autistic so that when police officers are responding to a call at a particular location it is automatically flagged to them that they may encounter someone who does not have neurotypical reactions. They also receive training from the local Autism society in how to interact with adults with autism.

            Or making policing a college educated profession.

          • Anon

            Police also deliberately increased wait times to punish districts that reduced their funding (and said that they were doing this, and that this was why), which felt wrong to me.

            Some people were sharing numbers that safer European cities actually spend a lot more on policing than we do (they spend much, much less on incarceration). I’m happy to defund stuff like military equipment, but I think the general “defund” message was off base.

            The narrative about Karens calling the cops on people captured something real, but it left out how often people in dangerous neighborhoods call the police and rely on the police. Safer police (who won’t panic and shoot someone) and more people to call would really help. I’ve had neighbors who called the police very frequently to intervene in escalating arguments or conflicts, and I’m not sure who else there is to call if you can tell that things are spiraling and need outside intervention.

          • Anonymous

            In my city, police have bachelors degrees and many have masters degrees, often in social work or counseling. We have a good economy, so it’s not like there are no better options for employment. We have a professional police force that really just wants a quiet shift, not to be on the late news, and to go home at shift end. It is a stressful job and people love to hate on the police. I feel that we will lose the best ones first if current thinking continues.

            People say BigLaw is so bad — try being a police officer in a city these days. No one literally screams at me. Or throws things at me. And I have a 100% chance of making it home every day.

          • Anonymous

            I get that it is true in your city but in the vast majority of places, being ex-military is enough to get you a job.

        • Anon

          The thing is, police are largely deterrents for obvious out in the open crime but not good for much else. In general, they’re not going to capture your average home thief or carjacker because they have no leads unless you have fingerprints from prior crime or video plus face recognition software – and they simply aren’t going to put much effort into solving those crimes.

          Over and over again, I’ve heard from people that live in bad neighborhoods that calling the police is pretty much useless unless it’s like a gang shoot out or active drug house, and they have to exaggerate the problem for police to come. Not even to get started on POC in all types of neighborhoods economically calling police because the police will first try to determine if they have committed any crime and not bother to help with the issue they’re calling about. I’ve seen it myself someone calling for a break-in to their home and being arrested as they open the door and detained in cuffs sitting on the curb while while police (illegally) search their house for any inkling of random crimes even though they called in. People in violent crime neighbors don’t want police – they want effective non-racist policing and that is a big difference. The way policing is currently set up is not, and honestly never has been, about preventing crime or serving citizens, it’s about controlling through fear, fining and jailing people as much as possible.

          • Anonymous

            We can’t jail people in my city for serious crimes — they get bailed out or ROR’d. People cut off ankle monitors. The 5% of criminals who make life dangerous and unlivable in parts of our city we can’t get adequately deal with. I think that having an arrest/conviction record will ruin your chance at lawful employment (which is bad for those people but at least you can get expunged), but actually keeping the bad guys in is hard when no one wants to testify against them and yet everyone knows who they are and what they do.

    • Nesprin

      Speaking as an east oaklander, the oakland police are absolutely useless, have ~20 min response time, and usually don’t bother to come out even when we called them when someone was breaking into our car. Defunding the police… would not change anything.

      • mac d.

        Speaking as another East Oaklander (hi!), I don’t find our police useless, and the original article spoke to me. You and I both know that this summer has been extraordinarily violent in our neighborhood. The police are necessary, and they respond as quickly as they are able to with the resources we have given them. Defunding the police would make both of our daily lives far more dangerous, and I hope it never happens, for all of our neighbors’ sakes. I’m sick of sidewalk vigils and telling myself that it wasn’t gunshots, it was just fireworks. I’m sick of dead teenagers whose lives were otherwise full of promise. I’m sick of the car break-ins too, and the stolen, junked cars left on the curb to be slowly stripped over the next couple of months. And I’m so, so sick of Oaklanders who live in Montclair or Rockridge, or San Leandro people who claim East Oakland, or Piedmont people, with their privately-hired security force, and privately-paid-for license plate cameras at every border point, telling me that the Oakland Police Department needs less money. Completely out of touch with the needs of those of us who actually live in the 80s and the 90s.

  6. Anonymous

    I like the idea of this sweater, but I’ve recently tried two similar FP styles where the armholes were so gigantic that they hung down past my elbows. If I let my arms hang next to my body, most of my arm would literally fall back through the armhole into the body of the sweater. It made me feel like an alligator with little tiny useless arms. I can’t find any photos that show the upper sleeves clearly enough to be sure that this sweater won’t have the same issue. The neck is also so wide that I can’t believe it would stay on my shoulders.

    I used to like FP, but the sizing has gotten so extreme that an XS is really more like an oversized L. As an S in normal sizing and an XS in vanity sizing, I am apparently too small for the brand, which makes no sense because its target market appears to be waiflike 20-somethings. Perhaps the clothing is meant to be worn by social media influencers who spend all day sitting in one place looking beautiful and never have to worry about their clothes falling off when they move?

  7. anon

    Genuine question from a non-US person: Many of you shared here your disappointment with the elections, explaining it is sad to see the results being so tight, people still voting for Trump despite knowing what he stands up for. I was wondering what do you plan to do differently for the next elections? What can an average person do to increase chances of better results beyond voting, making a donation, talking to friends/relatives and make them more politically aware. I would love to hear your thoughts.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know how yet, but I want to push back against some of the “default to ultra woke” assumptions I see among my progressive friends. I am in groups that assume that all Democrats are a) familiar with and b) totally on board with critical race theory and really aggressive stances (like abolish the police above, or open borders, etc.), when that doesn’t seem to be true at all. I want to find ways to stop tokenizing POC and start bringing in more perspectives from non-college-educated moderates.

      I also want to have words mean things again. There is SO much hyperbole now; it can’t just be that you disagree with JK Rowling, it has to be “she actively causes murder.” You are no longer a moderate if you don’t support completely abolishing police, you are “actively perpetuating white supremacy.” We need to tone back the rhetoric and only make extreme claims in extreme cases (and provide evidence to back up the claims).

      • Anon

        I’m a Gen Xer. We’ve already lived through Millennials being insufferable, now we have to put up with this Gen Z stuff. The Millenials have grown up now, the Gen Z-ers will too. My kids are Gen Z and I try to work on them about the ultra woke stuff, but they get so much of it from their own bubble.

        No doubt the Boomers and prior generations thought my generation was ridiculous when we were in our early twenties too.

        • Seventh Sister

          Another Gen Xer and I completely agree. It’s practically your job as a thinking human being to be insufferable in your teens and 20s. I know I was, but I’ve also realized that you need to actually get involved in your own community and not just recite the most extreme opinion on any issue.

          • Anonymous

            Another Gen Xer with Gen Z kids. Do you think it’s because so many Gen Z’s are bankrolled by their parents in a way we never were? I didn’t have time to be woke and triggered by everything because I was working 2 jobs in college to pay my way….but all my friends have their kids living at home, paying for their college (online), paying for the cell phones, the cars, the going out money. Yes, we all grew up, but I feel like we did that a bit faster because there were not free rides? I realize I sound like “get off my lawn” but the super woke have really started to grate on me.

      • Vicky Austin

        +1000 to it always having to be “so and so actively causes murder and death.” I would really like to push against that myself.

        • The Original ...

          While I’m with the idea of this as a concept, JKR actually did add to the fear and danger for transgender women and some of her trans fans had safety issues over this. We can not be hyperbolic but still recognize that this behavior actually can and does cause safety harm.

          As for defunding the police or not, I think it’s fair to recognize that not speaking up for some type of change allows the existing situation to continue… and that system is inherently and intentionally racist.

          I think it can look like everything is a problem and every house is on fire but it’s sort of because it is. We just have to figure out how to divide and conquer rather than to get overwhelmed by how many things we need to do better in order to make or keep people safe.

          • Anonymous

            Hard nope, women are not responsible for male violence against anyone. It is horrendous and wrong that men kill and sexually assault GNC people, including women, but they don’t do it because they get worked up reading Rowling’s essay. Feminist thought is not responsible for those killings.

          • Anon

            You need evidence for that claim. What specifically about an essay published online led to “safety issues?” Your post is exactly the kind of hyperbole that we are talking about. If the essay was so dangerous and causing such immediate harm, why did so many of its critics retweet it like crazy?

          • Vicky Austin

            I can’t say I agree. The only way to actively cause murder and death is to kill people. Speech does not do this. It may be incendiary, incorrect, misleading, or any number of other bad things, but it will never be the actual agent of someone’s death and I think construing it as such is in no one’s best interest.

          • Vicky Austin

            Actually, I’ll raise myself: I think construing speech as the agent of harm is not in the interest of a free society, period.

          • The Original ...

            Every time someone in a position of power refers to a transgender person as someone dangerous or bad, it furthers internal transphobia in some, leading to safety risks for them. It also encourages behavior of hate and discrimination, which often leads to physical violence. The person who causes the violence is absolutely to blame, no distraction from that. However anyone inciting violence should also recognize some accountability for encouraging such behaviors.

            While I believe in freedom of speech, that doesn’t mean speech doesn’t have consequences. When someone is in a position like JKR, where so many trans people looked up to her, her words cut deeper. For other fans, her opinion held more weight for them. I think she’s not only a celeb, her career impacted lives, so there is a bigger connection feeling and stronger following than many.

            If you or I say something, it may impact no one. When a celeb with that level of power says something, it impacts people. We also saw this when Taylor Swift talked about voting and 65,000 people registered to vote specifically because she’d said something.

            There is absolutely power in words.

          • Anonymous

            Where did JKR incite violence against anyone or refer to anyone as bad? I have read the essay and did not see that anywhere. In fact, all I saw was compassion for everyone who has suffered from violence. You are making an enormous claim (that she incited violence and is responsible for it) and that is literally nowhere in her words.

          • Anon

            Ugh, The Original, you are demonstrating the exact problem of hyperbole. You have to tone it down and stop repeating nonsense from random activists on Twitter – or at least provide some evidence.

          • Anonymous

            Hard no, you could only say this if you had not read the post, which was supporting freedom of speech and thought, not violence.

          • anon

            Ugh when people make comments like JK Rowling’s essay being dangerous or inciting violence or whatever with no actual evidence it makes it so much harder for people to take seriously when Trump and others actually do things that incite violence. We have become the boy who cried wolf so on some level I’m not that all surprised that a huge portion of Americans just tune out any cries of outrage from the left. Most people don’t actually watch the news or press conferences or whatever. So they don’t know why Trump actually said or did. They just hear some person who they think is a liberal elite saying that his speech is dangerous (which it is) but when that liberal elite has lost all credibility with the viewer by saying things like JK Rowling’s essay being dangerous and inciting violence, I’m not exactly surprised that they’ve just tuned us out completely. Let’s try to save the outrage for the truly outrageous.

          • Just no.

            Completely agree, Anon at 5:44. I hope The Original is reading and absorbing this thread still. In no universe is JK’s essay about subjugating women as a whole to the linguistic needs of a few. In no way can it be described as “violent” and “inciting harm.” You can burn your Harry Potter books or not, that’s up to you, but please take to heart what many people have told you in this thread about toning down the extreme rhetoric.

          • Anonymous

            So glad so many women here acknowledge that feminist essays are not responsible for male violence. This is a crucial realization.

    • Anonymous

      This question feels really rude. Biden is ahead by 4 million popular votes. He is on track to win the electoral college with room to spare. Lots of people on here have done everything we can, and lots of activists have fought tooth and nail full time for 4 year. GA going blue is massive. This is a victory because lots of us fought for it. So no. I’m not currently the day of this massive victory thinking of doing anything different next time because a) omg give us a minute and b) we won.

      • Anonymous

        Except that Trump lost ground with white men and gained it with all other groups. White men won’t win you an election, especially as a D.

      • anon

        I am not suggesting or assuming anyone’s victory, just repeated what many posters said this week about being sad that the difference is so small, which means many many people still support Trump. I am also not suggesting people were not doing enough – I just want to know what an average person can do besides voting, influencing people in their close circle, donating to the cause. Sorry if it came out rude – I am genuinely curious about what more can be done.

      • LaurenB

        How is this rude? Yes, Biden is ahead by 4 million popular votes – but we have over 65 million Americans (I’m too dispirited to find the actual number) who voted for T. (I don’t even want to write his name out anymore, and heaven forbid I use his 3 initials, I’ll be accused of making initials a thing.)

    • Anon

      Many people supported centrists over progressives in the Democrat primary out of fear that the progressives couldn’t attract potential Trump voters. If part of the reason the election was so close was that Biden failed to flip voters, I think we should try a more progressive platform (nothing radical, just the kind of stuff that other first world countries take for granted).

      • Anon

        I am a lefty and I disagree wholeheartedly. A most-of-the-time Republican voter who doesn’t like Trump isn’t going to vote for an AOC or a Bernie. That’s why the nomination of Joe made so much pragmatic sense.

        • Cat

          Yep. My voting record is a mix of R’s and D’s. This time around I would have voted just about anyone that wasn’t Trump, but was glad to have a moderate D to select.

          • Anon

            Correct. I also have a mix in my record of voting for Rs and Ds (although I have never voted for a Republican presidential candidate). Very honestly, I voted for Biden with a lot of enthusiasm because he was a centrist. I would not have voted for AOC or Bernie had they been the Dem nominee – I wouldn’t have voted for Trump, I just wouldn’t vote for president on that ballot. Also, had the Republicans run a centrist candidate who was not Trump who had stood up and said “I am less concerned with people’s personal lives than I am with fixing Social Security, the national debt, and the budget deficit” I would have voted for that candidate. Because I wish government officials on both sides would stop spending so much time trying to tell people how and what to think, and just run the damn government. To me, that is what they are elected for. Politicians are spending so much time on culture wars and social issues that we are letting the gigantic and expensive federal government basically run on autopilot, and we’ve also let the national debt spiral completely out of control. I am a centrist and will vote for centrists on either side of the blue/red dividing line who represent my interests. Which are not banning abortion, putting religion back in the schools, and completely deregulating industry. But are also not defunding the police, canceling anyone who questions why we have to remake the English language to accommodate trans people’s wishes, and levying heavy taxes to fund social programs that have been proven to be largely ineffective. I strongly believe most voters out there are more like me than they are like the extremists on either end.

          • Anon

            “Because I wish government officials on both sides would stop spending so much time trying to tell people how and what to think, and just run the damn government.”

            This, a thousand times this.

        • Anon

          But if they aren’t going to vote for Biden either, then why sacrifice the independent voters and non-voters who might show up for a more progressive candidate?

          • Anon

            They did. Plenty of them voted for Biden, who didn’t vote for Hillary in 2016. Thats why we are where we are today.

            The way to build the progressive coalition is to gain more seats in Congress first. Not going straight for the highest office in the land. Bernie did a lot of harm in 2016. And, again, my politics are closer to his, but we can’t fight the right effectively when we spend so much time tearing ourselves apart.

          • Never

            You won’t, I don’t think. I’m an independent, and have only voted for either an R or a D. My Libertarian relative will never vote for an R or a D. And I think there will always, always be people who vote, but look at the two mainstream candidates and just nope their way to…someone else. I think the assumption that independent voters would vote for someone further left, and not more center, isn’t accurate.

          • Anon

            I guess it also depends how true it is that more progressive policies have wide appeal when polled separately from the candidates. I don’t know if that’s actually true or not!

          • Anonymous

            I’m a never-trump republican and was fine voting for Joe. If it was Sanders or Warren on the ticket, I would have voted third party (I’m in a deep blue state FWIW).

      • Anonymous

        Like stick to stuff that a guy working in the building trades would support. In my city, that is Hispanic men, who seemed to move to Trump more in this election than 2016. You need support from Everyman and Everywoman, not a bunch of college professors.

      • Anonymous

        You should look at how other first world countries got there in that case. Many have consistently had centre-left governments. Change happens over time. So basically consistently electing moderate Democrats but consistently electing them at various levels so that change can be real and deep. Moving programs forward like offering student loan forgiveness for all individuals making less than a certain income regardless of where they work. And once that is ingrained, then you move forward again. Canada didn’t end up with legalize marijuana and same sex marriage overnight. Change takes time.

      • Anon

        I agree. Conservatives don’t pick up voters by getting more moderate and I don’t think Democrats will either.

        • Anon

          Disagree. Lots of republicans/moderates (myself included) voted for Joe. If the republicans had managed to not put up a completely insane candidate, a lot of people who voted for Joe (myself included) would have voted for that person instead. I also can’t say how I would have voted if the nominee had been Sanders or Warren, maybe third party?

          • Anon

            Well of course you disagree, this place’s demographics are nothing like the country as a whole’s.

          • Anon

            No the country as a whole had a ton of moderate Rs vote for Joe. I think the Lincoln Project played a huge role in the outcome of this election. Fwiw I’m a D but I wouldn’t have voted for Bernie.

          • Anon

            What are you talking about? If anything this board skews far more progressive than most of the country.

        • Anon

          I disagree. Think of the population as on a general bell curve from left to right. It might seem like there are two humps at the extreme left and right, but statistically it’s not true. You just hear more from the extreme. The real weight of the distribution is pretty close to the middle. And you don’t win elections without the middle.

      • LaurenB

        This makes no sense. Biden at least could get the old-school Republicans and who might not agree with everything the Dems said but wanted sanity and decency — moderate, Lincoln-Project-style Republicans. Anyway, as racist as this country is, do you REALLY think there’s going to be a Jewish president (Sanders)? I can just imagine how the Trumpers / their followers would have spun that one. The conspiracy theories would have been off the charts.

        • Anonymous

          Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean that it doesn’t make sense or that the person saying it is “not that bright” as you like to say frequently. If you don’t understand ask them to explain it to you. It’s you who are the problem

        • Monday

          Absolutely, but I worry about this logic. It suggests that no candidate who isn’t a white Christian man is viable for Democrats to run.

          Let’s imagine Biden wins but dies in office, and Harris is the Democratic candidate in 2024. Obviously the campaign would be a free-for-all of bigotry, but does that mean she shouldn’t get the nomination? At what point are we kowtowing?

          • LaurenB

            I don’t mean to suggest we should kowtow to bigotry. I just mean that the attacks on Biden were fairly benign (baseless claims of senility). I cannot imagine how the “Jews will not replace us” portion of T’s base would have reacted to Bernie Sanders as the nominee.

      • Anonymous

        This is so wrong. The reason Biden lost Florida is that many residents in south Florida have fled socialist countries. We need a centrist agenda.

        • Anon

          I’m a moderate Democrat but Cuba and Venezuela are communist, not socialist. The words are not even remotely synonymous. Socialist is like…Portugal. Not exactly a regime people need to flee.

          • Curious

            Whatever the textbook definitions are, in Latin America, these leaders call themselves socialista. I remember my host mom in Ecuador asking me how I could like Barack Obama — wasn’t he like Hugo Chavez? This is a real concern.

          • Anon

            I’m aware that many people confuse them but I was responding to Anon at 4:45 who said “many residents in south Florida have fled socialist countries.” That is simply not factually true – they fled communist countries.

            Either way, I tend to agree with the commentator below that the best way forward for the Democratic party is to focus on newly-blue states like GA and AZ and potentially blue states like NC and Texas, as well as reinforcing the MI/WI/PA blue wall. Just like Iowa and Ohio are now much more red than purple, so is Florida, and that’s ok. We don’t need those three states to win national elections.

          • Anonymous

            I was listening to Spanish language radio from Florida and the view very clearly expressed was that it was dangerous to elect Biden not because of his policies but because of “who his friends are,”that he would bring progressives or socialists into government. It’s not a unreasonable fear given the traction Bernie got and the election of a BLM organizer. They fear that once you start appropriating property for the state it gets hard to stop.

      • Anonymous

        There are very few people who voted for Trump because the Democrats weren’t progressive enough.

        The progressive wing of the party almost lost this election for the Democrats.

        • Anonymous

          This. The extremely vocal Green New Deal, free college for everyone, defund the police lobby is what scared off a lot of Nope to Trump folks. Who, I believe, felt they could survive 4 more years of Trump because the alternative was (in the progressive view) a speeding train toward socialism of the kind that is not Portugal. The kind that was the Eastern Bloc. That’s why the Democrats put up Biden; they knew that despite Trump, most of America is not interested in Bernie or Warren.

      • Alanna of Trebond

        If Bernie had been the nominee, we would have lost. I and millions of others would have simply voted for Trump (granted, my vote wouldn’t have made a difference where I am). I am tired of the progressive wing of the Democratic party.

        • Anon

          I was so annoyed to see AOC attacking the Lincoln Project on twitter and claiming baselessly that they wasted their money and brought in no new Biden voters. As someone who does PR for a living, the Lincoln Project had by far the most effective campaign ads of any outlet, and although it’s really hard to quantify I’m sure they moved some voters. It’s fine for AOC to keep fighting for her progressive platform – obviously there’s a significant wing of the Democratic Party that is enthusiastic about it – but it just struck me as so crazy and mean-spirited to start attacking ex-Republican allies who helped us elect Biden before Biden has even been officially declared the winner.

          • Anonymous

            +1 Moderate Dems who are trying to win critical Senate races had the entire AOC slate of positions hung around their necks by the Rs, along with the BLM platform, and cancel culture. If you want to actually win control of the Senate, back the moderates who can compete outside of the NE, and make clear that the progressives in the Democratic Party are like the libertarians in the Republican Party, a vocal minority.

          • LaurenB

            +1. I’m grateful for the Lincoln Project right now. I think they were influential in getting people who might otherwise have voted Republican to stop and think — ok, I may not agree with Biden on everything, but he’s a moral, decent man, and I’m embarrassed by the clown in the White House. I think the progressive side is SO in their own bubble that they really don’t realize this.

            Did you see the 60 minutes interview with the Lincoln Project? The journalist asked if they would have done this same effort if the nominee had been Bernie Sanders. One of the men said (I’m paraphrasing) – look, I disagree with Bernie Sanders on 57 things without breaking a sweat, but one thing Bernie is, is a patriotic American, a decent man and a believer in democracy. With BS as president, the conversation continues. With DJT as president, the conversation is over because he’s such a fascist (he didn’t use that word, but that concept).

        • Anon

          If Bernie had been the candidate I wouldn’t have voted for Trump, I would have voted third party (Jo Jorgenson, most likely) or I would have left the president space blank on the ballot. Bernie and AOC do not represent my interests and I find them both tiresome, and also somewhat scary. I completely agree, as a lifelong Democrat, that we have got to stop letting the extreme left wing dominate the conversation. The majority of their ideas are neither realistic, nor palatable to those of us closer to the center and most voters are centrists. I thought Joe did a good job dismissing things like defund the police, but because of that pressure from the far left he couldn’t distance himself from it as much as he should have. Just like the Republicans need to stop letting the crazypants extremists dictate the majority of their platform, we as Democrats need to do the same.

    • Anonymous

      Maybe become friends with someone who runs a small business, who has to deal with payroll, rent, utilities, customers, employee benefits, layoffs, furloughs, inventory, paying suppliers, credit, banks, etc. Walk a mile in their shoes.

      I’m not saying all small business owners voted for Trump or are even Republicans, but I feel that there is a good amount of loud extremist / Squad types who make people nervous. $15 an hour minimum wage — how would that affect a restaurant or bakery or carpenter or dental office? Would they have to lay off some to pay others more (and where would the layoffs land?)? How would that affect benefits? Do they have access to credit? Will their cost of supplies increase? What if they have trucks and have to move to all electric vehicles? Do they lease vehicles for now? What if they own them? What if they are in Class B office space or warehouse or commercial space that will never be green? What if if is a plumber and a helper that work out of a van and have no office, but there is a zoning problem with listing the plumber’s home as a business address?

      One of the things that makes me stabby is that there are unintended consequences to everything. License beauticians? OK, but what about women who just braid hair and don’t do perms / straightening / color or anything that could be harmful (that often isn’t even on the curriculum for beauticians / barbers)? Can they just work? But licensing and zoning snafus often get in the way of the smallest businesses least suited to deal with City Hall or state laws. And legal aid won’t help them b/c they aren’t really suited to deal with these sorts of problems.

      • Anon

        Yes, a lot of small business owners feel that ‘no laws’ may be better than ‘bad laws,’ and are afraid of regulatory capture and any kind of corruption that they feel favors their corporate competition.

        We don’t seem to have a great system for avoiding counterproductive laws. Some fishermen explained to me once that a fishing quota on an species of fish that was intended to help the fish population rebound meant they had to subject their catch to inspection, and then dump any excess fish back into the water, even though they were already dead. I looked this up, and it appeared to be a real problem.

        Other people in my life whose politics lean right have had really bad experiences with their unions; I’m not sure what to do about that, but I can certainly believe it.

      • Lilau

        As the only person in my family who isn’t self employed or a small business proprietor, there is some truth to what you say. My mom is not going to make it if she has to provide health insurance to every student she employs part time at her store. But a 15 dollar minimum wage is totally doable for her. Additionally, I feel like people don’t understand the huge tax advantages small businesses owners have, at least in my state, OR the full on burden that obtaining health care is for small entrepreneurs. Obamacare was literally life changing for my brother; he could finally buy health insurance.

        I’ve never heard anyone complain about the regulation concerns that you have. To the contrary, it’s pretty simple to keep most businesses legal. It’s just more lucrative to do things under the table to avoid fees and taxes, especially in conjunction with the employment of undocumented people. So yes, the guy who owns the car wash is probably a Republican because he hates the idea of paying his fair share in the taxes or paying folks on the books. He’ll couch this as regulations killing his livelihood. But that’s not to say that the majority of small business owners have the same interests.

      • Seventh Sister

        One thing I found very very frustrating when I was on the board of a nonprofit daycare center is that we operated at a distinct disadvantage to bigger businesses providing the same service (e.g., corporate daycare chains). And it wasn’t just about the living-ish wages we paid, it was stuff like some licensing person demanding that we reconfigure the playground that was perfectly safe at the last inspection because some giblet-head in the legislature had decided that all kids needed X square fee and to be separated by age.

      • Anon

        My dad is a small business owner and almost absurdly progressive. The reality your claiming small business owners face is ridiculously disconnected from the way the legislative process actually works. Almost all laws are phased in over time or have clauses for existing business. Look at the $15 minimum wage in Florida for example.
        Also, some people understand that a just society is better for all of us, including small business owners.

      • Anonymous

        I am sure everyone knows this, but benefits are a percentage of base salary. Say FICA is 6% — if someone makes $10 an hour, they then cost $10.60 with FICA. At $15 an hour, they cost $15.90. Add in all the other benefits and it’s not just the hourly wage.

        When we are budgeting for payroll we add 25-30% for benefits not including bonuses. So we would go from budgeting $13.50 to $20.25 an hour.

        That’s a huge jump. And it would greatly impact every small and medium sized business.

    • Kitten

      Nothing? This is kind of morbid, but the people in my close circle who voted for Trump are only going to be voting in one, max two, more elections based on age, so I’ve let it go.

    • Anonymous

      I was a big supporter of Elizabeth Warren, and then Bernie Sanders. I quickly got on the Biden train after the Georgia primary, when it was clear Sanders wasn’t viable. Next time, I plan to be more tuned in to POC. I will not support a candidate that does not have broad support of POC, even I personally think they are the best candidate. Had I done this in 2020, I would not have wasted my time, money, or energy on Warren or Sanders. The stereotype of a woke rich white socialist in an echo chamber and/or bubble is extremely true in my case, and I did not realize how bad it was.

      • Monday

        With that in mind, who do you wish you’d supported instead during the primary?

      • Anonymous

        It’s not true that Sanders lacked support from POC. I’m a POC surrounded by POC and everyone in my family and all my friends supported him. I myself, was a Warren supporter.

    • Anon

      I think there are lessons to be learned from this election, especially the success stories in surprising places like GA and that better outreach to Hispanic voters is needed. That said, I don’t think the Democrats failed as miserably as many people think we did. It is *staggeringly* difficult to unseat an incumbent president in a good economy, and we not only did we do it, we did it by one of the largest popular vote margins in recent history and with what looks to be a decisive electoral college victory. “It’s the economy, stupid” is a cliche, but it’s one that’s very grounded in truth, and I think people who were paying attention knew a lot of people were overconfident about the Democrats’ chances. I saw a headline in the Wall Street Journal just today that Hispanic men have experienced better job recovery post-Covid than any other demographic, because so many of their jobs are in construction and other industries that have done well in 2020. Is it a coincidence that Trump made his largest gains with this group? Absolutely not, and I don’t necessarily blame the Democrats for those gains.

      As far as down ballot races, we pretty much just undid 2018 gains and even then not fully (we kept the House). This isn’t surprising at all to people who were following things closely. In 2018, the only way for anti-Trump Rs and independents to cast an “anti-Trump vote” was to vote Dems down ballot. This year, they could cast the anti-Trump vote by voting for Biden, and then not necessarily vote for all the down ballot Dems. Plus in 2018, Republicans didn’t have the groundswell of support that comes from turning out Trump’s base.

      I think there was a little bit of false hope created because once again the polls were off by several points in Trump’s favor in most states, but really this was not a bad performance by any means, given the strength of the economy, and I’m kind of disappointed that Democrats seem to only want to talk about “what went wrong.” In 2016, Trump won by a cumulative 77,000 votes in three states (on Tuesday, Biden doubled that in Michigan alone), and ZERO Republicans were beating themselves up about it; instead they were gleefully celebrating. I don’t know why we can’t take a moment to enjoy our own successes even if there’s more work to do in the future.

      • Anon

        Totally agree with this. There’s real work to be done still, but it’s hard to unseat an incumbent in a good economy. Also, political polarization is a strong force and lots of people have too much tied up in their political identity to change, no matter what happens.

      • Anon

        I agree with some of your points, but even with the economy improving, it is a stretch to call it “good”

    • Betsy

      My lesson is on the power of in person canvassing. Democrats largely didn’t do it because of COVID, many republicans did. I think the personal connection makes a big difference with voters, especially our voters, and is probably a very big part of why we didn’t make the gains we expected to in the senate and lost seats in the house. In my state legislature, dems lost a lot of ground. I live in a district that is gerrymandered to be fairly red, and my democrat rep masked up and canvassed like normal, and he won. Sample size of one, obviously, but I think it made a difference.

    • Anon

      We need to do a better job at making the Democratic case for pro-business. Like it or not, that resonates with a lot of people more than social issues. On that note, I also want white Harvard graduates to stop trying to make Latinx universal.

      • LaurenB

        +1. Among the otherwise-reasonable people who voted for Trump (by which I mean – they believe Covid is real, they weren’t QAnoners, gun totin’ yee-haws, or Pizzagaters), they seem to have a fear that Dems will be bad for the economy (never mind that Jim Cramer has basically said Biden would be better). I would tout more Democrats-on-Main-Street kinds of stories.

      • Of Counsel

        Someone asked Ruben Gallego, a (D) house candidate in Arizona how the party could improve its work with the LatinX community in Arizona and his response was “First start by not using the term Latinx.”

    • Anon

      I think you need to understand that America is not going to be like a European country, ever. Do I personally wish it could be? For sure. But overall the population is much more conservative than that, so asking what we’re gonna do next time to make it less so is kind of ill-informed and pointless.

      • Anon

        I probably need to make my peace with this and move to a country that offers a better quality of life given the things I want out of life.

      • Monte

        Right? I mean, as much as I have enjoyed my trips through Scandinavia and would enjoy relocating there, Norway’s population of 5mm, 85% of whom are Scandinavian in origin, is not a good comparison for a (religiously, ethnically, politically, economically, emotionally) diverse country of 330mm. We have different beliefs and traditions and expectations on what the social contract means. Even the UK and France are different enough that we cannot import their ideas on the social contract to the US whole cloth, even as much as some portion of us may want to. This isn’t a criticism, just a recognition that looking to Europe as some sort of utopia is just not realistic to most Americans.

        • Anonymous

          Yup. I’ve lived in Germany for 9 years and the UK for 7 and no, Europe is not a utopia. They have problems too. Free health care? Sure, you can get toothpaste for free at the local drugstore but it’s a 12 month wait time for a mental health appt. Sure, you can get a free dental exam but if you need a cap on a tooth, it’s over $1,000. And if you really need treatment, you just may or may not get it in time. A work friend’s husband needs surgery for cancer and is on a wait list, he should get a date in 2-3 months, by which time the tumor will have grown and that’s not due to COVID.

          College is free here but that doesn’t mean everyone gets to go to Oxford or Cambridge. There is real, massive resentment here about immigration and welfare cheating and COVID has not made any of that better; everyone got paid to stay home from March- July, on full salaries, paid for by the government. Where does everyone think that money is coming from? Payroll taxes are 47% , on top of the 20% sales tax, $8 a gallon gas and no, we don’t have 5G in my village.

          That said, I do love living here. And after almost 20 years outside the US, I am still an American and will be just fine to “come home” when my contract is up in a few few years. There is good and bad to every system.

          • Anonymous

            Living in th Uk 10 years but it seems a different one I think,
            Here there is universal healthcare, that means for everyone, that means you have an accident or an emergency and you go to the hospital and the only thing they ask you for is your post code, no your credit card number or your insurance policy and for sure not your passport. No free toothpaste I am afraid.
            Healthcare is not “free” in Europe, is paid with the taxes of all the citizens and we are happy with that. And the level of coverage change from country to country but in all of them is based in that it is a right not a business and we keep fighting for that. Uk used to have one of the best in the world but thanks to the conservative gobernement that want to sell it to the private (USA) corporations in the last years has suffered cuts and cuts that means defunding that means worst service that means people would rather go to the private sector.
            No, college is not longer free here (it is in Scotland) thank you, again, to the conservative gobernement that 10 years ago decided it with the support of the liberals. But the tuition fees, nothing compare to USA, are the same in Cambridge, Oxford or Reading. You go to one or another depending in your A levels results and your interests. And for sure no one will have an imposible debt to pay after uni.
            Unfortunately for people UK this is the closest thing to USA in Europe as Brexit has shown. Hope bobies (local police) do not start to carry guns.
            In all the europeans countries I have lived (nordic, southerm…) with small differences the base line was the same: good public services are citizen rights, no one carry guns and for sure there is not dead penalty.

    • Anonymous

      Two thoughts that are a little related, but not totally. And also from a non-American.

      A few years ago, I visited a friend from South Africa there. She lives in a gated community with armed guards at the entrance to the neighbourhood. At the time she had a full time housekeeper/nanny for her children. They paid for the education of her nanny’s children at a local private school, based on the view that education could be beyond reach for many and it was their way of providing access for them and providing an opportunity for them that they may not otherwise have. That was on top of paying the nanny. I have thought of that many times when deciding where to donate and it came to mind again when reading the thread this week about post secondary school education in the rural red states. How one person can really make a difference in the trajectory of another’s life.

      The other item I was wondering about was whether there could emerge a third political party in the US. I live in a country with five recognized parties — all have elected members, and we have a minority government. We don’t have the level of hatred in politics and I wonder if it is because you have to be willing to work with another party often to get anything done.

      I’m hoping there will be a peaceful transition of power in the US.

    • anon

      Thank you all for your point of view. Reading the comments, I realize I should have waited few more days with the question, I didn’t mean to stir the hot pot. Some mentioned that the situation is different vs Europe – absolutely! I acknowledge the different voting system, but also incomparably higher number of voters, cultural/national fragmentation etc. My question is coming from a good place – in my country, we had terrible elections this year as well and ended up with a populist, weak party winning and I was thinking at that time what can and will I do next time differently. Because my voice/vote is not enough. A friend of mine ended up so frustrated with the situation that she has joined a political party and is slowly bringing more experts to it, so that they stand a chance in the next election. Due to work, I haven’t lived in my country for 15+ years, but still feel there is more I can do. So looking for inspiration here.

      • LaurenB

        Can all of you saying “my country” just please identify it already? It’s interesting to learn / hear about your systems are working and it’s not as though it’s personally identifying info.

        • Z

          +1million. If you don’t want to give any context for your post, don’t even bother posting.

          • Anonymous

            My post on the country with 5 recognized federal parties is Canada (Liberal, Conservative, New Democratic, Bloc-Quebecois and Green). One of the reasons I don’t always mention Canada is often I have found that the idea is often then discounted because Canada is so much smaller than the US. You can think about an idea without having all of the details. My comment was not country dependent.

  8. Senior Attorney

    You guys! We are getting a pair of pandemic kitties tomorrow! I have had cats my whole life until the last few years, but this is my husband’s first time after always being a dog guy. Any tips for helping Oscar and Felix adjust to their new home? They are about 6 months old, BFFs to each other but apparently shy around people.

    • Anonymous

      Congratulations! I would choose the room where their litter box will live and then confine them to that room for the first couple of days. Once they are comfortable in there, slowly expand their range.

    • Anonymous

      Aww! Can you find out what they like to play with? As a dog person I was really surprised when the cat would only play with certain toys — our dogs would cheerily play with anything.

    • Anon

      Omg! Kittens! I’m super envious.

      My suggestions are to give them their own space at first. We used a room near where we were going to eventually put their litterbox.

      As much as you’re tempted to make them cuddle with you at first, they will need some time to be scared to be in a new place and hide under the bed/couch. It’s great that you got two (we did the same) because they can comfort each other.

      Not all the time, but a few times a day go into their space and just sit there and let them come to you.

      Those cat toys that are long wires or sticks with something on the end are really fun for them. You could do that while you sit there.

      Have fun!

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Agree with all this, and excellent idea to get a pair. They do so much better in pairs. In addition to toys on strings/sticks, mine like the trackball toys. Also, I recommend getting both vertical and horizontal scratching posts–some cats have a preference for one or the other.

    • anon

      Ah, so sweet! I think besides the classics (get litter box, food bowls, scratching pole, toys to your home before the cats arrive, make sure the house is safe), I would consider making sure your home is warm enough. If you have a big house, you may consider locking off part of it, so that the cats can explore and familiarize themselves slowly with e.g. downstairs and only after a few days/weeks allow them upstairs (so they won’t feel overwhelmed and lost). Give them space the first day to explore safely, make sure you are not overstimulating them. When I brought my tiny kitten home, he spent hours going room by room, going under/onto each piece of furniture. We just showed him where the food and litter box were and then gave him space. Once he finished with exploration, had some food, he came for a rub. But I think giving him the space and not overstimulating him was key. Also – have an empty cardboard box – the most popular bed/toy for cats ever produced by men.

      • anne-on

        Yes – our kitten was allowed out with supervision during the day but spent 95% of her time in one room first acclimating to our home and us. You’ll know when they’re ready to have more space, ours started howling at the door of the room and pulling Houdini escapes when the door was open a crack. And 100% yes to keeping the house warmer than normal. Our now 6mo old kitten still doesn’t have her adult fur and is actively snuggling up against people/dog, seeking out the very warmest spots/sitting on our heating vents during the cold mornings and nights.

      • Vicky Austin

        +1 – no advice but I LOVE their names. A friend has cats named Oscar and Lilly. I always tell him they sound like an elderly Swedish couple.

      • Anon

        Oscar and Felix are amazing names for kittens (or puppies!). Especially Felix. Felix sounds like he’d be a cool cat as an adult, too.

        • Senior Attorney

          Heh. You all are probably too young to remember that Felix and Oscar were the mismatched roommates in the play, movie, and TV series The Odd Couple. Not gonna lie — their names (they were named by the people at the shelter) were a big part of the reason we chose them!

    • Anon

      So excited for you! Would definitely keep them in their own room in the beginning. Have fun!!

    • cat socks

      How exciting! Lots of good advice already for getting them acclimated. Da Bird toy is always a hit with my kitties.

      If you want to treat them, Hartz Delectables squeeze ups smell disgusting but my cats go crazy over them.

      They might be a bit young, but Yeoww catnip toys are great. They are completely filled with catnip, not just stuffing and a bit of nip.

      Make note of your vet’s after hours / emergency procedures and see if there are any 24 hour or urgent care vets in your area. Paws crossed you won’t need the services, but good to prepared in case of an emergency.

      Have fun!

      • cat socks

        Oh another toy reccomendation – Sheer Fun for Cats. It’s a sheer piece of fabric with crinkly
        edges. I hide toys under it for them to pounce on. Sometimes they’ll hide underneath it and pretend they’re invisible.

    • Another Anon

      I’m late on this but when we got our two kittens a few years ago, one of the best pieces of advice the woman at the rescue told us was to pet them gently while they are sleeping to get them used to bring pet. It really helped!

    • anon

      Oh, one more thing that will make your life easier later – get them used to brushing their teeth and cleaning their ears now while they are young. Maybe showering (although, my cat loves to shower so YMMV).

  9. Anon

    Poultry Poll: How much chicken do you consider to be 1 serving for an adult when menu-planning?

    • Anonymous

      2/3 of a decently-sized breast.

      For a man — 10 drummettes per man if making wings.

      For a whole chicken — will feed a family of 4 with some leftovers.

    • Senior Attorney

      Really depends on the adult! I usually eat 3-4 oz; my husband will eat twice that. So maybe split the difference and say 6 oz per person to be on the safe side?

      • Senior Attorney

        Coming back to say we do a lot of Hello Fresh and Blue Apron, and they seem to do 10 oz for two servings.

        • Anon

          I’d say it’s 5-6 oz/ person when cooking a regular meal just for my immediate family – and I think Hello Fresh, et al, seem to support that. If I’m hosting a large gathering (in the Before Times) I want there to be enough food that guests feel comfortable going back for seconds, so I overplan for 10oz/ person.

          If you’re replacing a holiday meal and making it a large gathering (again, Before Times, please don’t have a large gathering this year!) then the rule for turkeys is a pound per person and I think that’s pretty true for any meat on the bone in a similar setting.

          • Anonymous

            Yes — 1 pound per person.

            I don’t focus on weight except turkeys, but 2 big bone-in breasts are probably close to 4 pounds and feeds my family of 4.

    • Anonymous

      What cut of chicken? Boneless skinless v. whole bird v. legs v. wings all have different rules of thumb.

    • Anon Lawyer

      Very much depends on the dish, the cut, and the sides. If I was making chicken piccata I would plan on one normal-size (pounded) breast per adult. If I was putting chicken breast in a baked pasta dish, 1/3 to 1/2 of a breast per adult. If I was roasting chicken thighs with veggies, two thighs per adult. If I had one of those huge Costco rotisserie chickens, I would assume that could feed 4-6 adults. I don’t ever know how many ounces anything is though.

      • Anon

        I’m in m0d but I agree a whole roasted chicken feeds a family of 4, and we are big eaters. I can’t speak to the rotisserie chickens, but I roast my own and usually get about a 4.5 pounder.

    • Anon

      Two adults on the taller/larger end of things, and two hungry late teens here.

      A whole roast chicken will feed four of us, with usually a breast left over to make chicken salad – the men in my house are dark meat eaters, and my daughter and I usually split one whole breast.

      For bone-in, skin-on chicken thighs I plan on two per person. For the four of us, that’s usually two packages from the grocery store.

      For boneless meat it depends on whether you’re serving it stand-alone or in dish like a stew or soup or salad with lots of other stuff. Two large skinless boneless breasts are plenty for chicken strips on salad for us, or one package of thigh meat for something substantial like a curry.

    • Anonymous

      Fun fact: military dining facilities consider one serving of chicken breast to be 6 oz. For 19 year old boys who run around a lot. I get lots of bad customer feedback when the bigwigs decide we can only give out one.

  10. Oops, "Accidentally" Agreed to a Date

    Background: My husband and I have been separated for while; we have kids.

    An acquaintance from my office building (same building, different employer) asked me to hang out on a weekend morning for an activity we both like. I have pretty good radar and given the context I think he was asking me on a date, but he was purposefully vague. I said yes. Then I came back to my computer and Google Lawyer tells me that it is a bad idea in my state and situation for me to date. I now remember that my own lawyer mentioned the same thing some time ago, when I wasn’t actually thinking about dating at all and so obviously failed to fully integrate the knowledge.

    So now I have to back out of this, right? But how? I see this guy regularly even given the pandemic because our PT-in-office schedules align. It seems it would be awkward to tell him that I can’t date right now, because he didn’t specifically say it was a date. But it would also be awkward to just put him off given that our paths intersect regularly. I THINK I don’t want him to think I’d never say yes. Ugh. I feel like I’m back in junior high.

    Is there any obvious solution to my accidental inter-office shenanigans?

    • anon

      Man I hate it when dudes do this (although I totally get why they do.). Anyways, does it have to be a date? Can you go, read the room, and then if it seems like it’s in that direction, be upfront and state that you can’t date now for this reason?

    • Anonymous

      I’m totally confused by this. Why are you talking to your lawyer about dating? Go on the date but social distance/mask if necessary. Unless the activity you’re meeting up for is prohibited, in which case this is moot.

    • Anon

      Assuming your bubble is already pretty tight: you looked at the Covid numbers and realize you need to tighten up your bubble further for now.

    • Anon

      I think we need more info on why it’s a bad idea in your state to date. What would have to change for it to be okay? Then that’s your excuse.

      “Sorry, can’t make it this weekend” is a full sentence that you can repeat each week. If you’re, say, trying to wait until you work for different employers, you can easily say “Sorry after thinking it over, I prefer to keep Activity X separate from Work. If one of us ever quits I’ll take you up on a raincheck!”

      • Oops, "Accidentally" Agreed to a Date

        Ah, yes, I now see I was vague. It is a bad idea for us to date because in my state, I am married until the divorce is final. There is no in-between “legal separation.” So dating can trigger all sorts of litigation regarding “adultery,” which would jeopardize my child support and spousal support claims.

        • Anonymous

          In this case I’d probably go if it was participating in a group event type activity (group bike ride) but not if it was a solo activity (like the two of you hiking together somewhere).

          I think it’s fine to straight out tell him that you “can’t do any activities that are dates or might be interpreted as dates like one on one activities with men until after your divorce is final”. That way you aren’t necessarily saying he was asking you out on a date and you aren’t saying you don’t want to date either.

        • Anon

          I’m so mad at your state. My divorce took 2 years to finalize. You better believe I was dating (and erm, enjoying casual gardening after years in a plant-free marriage) for most of that time! This is crazy. I’m so sorry.

          • Oops, “Accidentally” Agreed to a Date

            Yep, anon. It’s infuriating. Like I’d be a bad mother if I went on a date or …gasp … a series of dates? This thing is going to drag on forever and I would like some companionship.

    • Anon

      Couldn’t you just go on the outing assuming it’s a friendly thing, and if he indicates (through words or actions) that he wants to be more than friends, say something like “I’m interested in getting to know you better, but I’m very recently separated and haven’t filed for divorce yet; my lawyer has advised me not to date until my divorce is filed, so for now I think it’s best that we just stay friends” or something like that?

      • Anon

        And fwiw, I think you’re probably right that he’s interested in more than friendship. I know others here have had different experiences, but I’ve never had a man ask me to hang out one-on-one unless he was interested in hooking up. And I am not a supermodel or a natural flirt by any means.

        • Anonymous

          Agree with this. My experience has been that men always ask in a way that gives them plausible deniability, but they’re not interested in only friendship, generally.

        • Monday

          +1. People don’t like to be misinterpreted or create awkwardness. A single, straight man asking a woman to meet up is asking her out, and vice versa.

      • Senior Attorney

        Point is, though, that if you are doing one-on-one outings with men, that’s quite likely to be construed as “dating” in court in the event it becomes relevant. Best to skip it, I think.

        • Oops, “Accidentally” Agreed to a Date

          Unfortunately I think so. I just can’t imagine getting stuck in a deposition being grilled about whether it was in fact a date and what kind of physical contact we had, etc. If he weren’t so hot — I mean, really, way out of what I had perceived as my league — i obviously wouldn’t consider it.

    • Senior Attorney

      Why can’t you be up front about it? “Hey, on sober second thought I’m in the middle of a divorce and it turns out it’s not a good idea for me to be doing one-on-one activities with gentlemen at this point.”

      • Anonymous

        Exactly this. Even if you don’t treat it as a date, it’ll look bad down the road if it comes up in your divorce proceedings.

      • Anonie

        Yes to honesty! And, because it sounds like you are at least moderately interested and don’t want to permanently shut that door, let him know that you’re disappointed to have to decline. If you feel comfortable doing so, you could possibly even say noncommittally that you’ll let him know when/if something changes next year.

  11. Anon

    Does anyone have a good feel for when the networks are actually going to protect the winner of this election? I feel like I’ve been in labor since Tuesday night.

      • Anon

        That’s not how it normally works though. They look at the remaining ballots, where they’re from, how well the candidates are doing in those areas and they figure out if there’s mathematically any way Trump could make up the deficit, and at this point every data nerd who’s analyzed it says no. Networks always call things based on predictions; they almost never wait for every last vote to be counted unless the margin is incredibly close and could come to down to hundreds of votes. Delaying the Georgia call makes some sense, but I do not understand the logic behind Pennsylvania. Everyone who’s looked at the math says call it.

        • Anonymous

          It’s not a normal year.

          Like counting mail-in ballots even after the networks have called it on election night has been the practice for years but it only really matter this year because of the pandemic and the high number of mail in ballots.

          Given Trump’s tantrums I think it’s the right choice to not call it until the counting is finished or very close to finished.

        • Anon

          Yes, but the consequences for getting it wrong are HUGE right now. We are on a precipice, and I’m ok waiting a couple of extra days to be absolutely positive.

        • Anon

          They’re probably at least waiting for it to be out of recount range is my guess.

    • Anon

      OMG labor is the best analogy. I just cannot with this endless “it’s-clear-who-won-but-we-can’t-call-it” nonsense!!!!

    • Anon

      There was a moment on VEEP (which has eerily forecasted so many things lately) where Selina yells “I’m 10 cm dilated and this presidency is crowning” and I really wish I could find a GIF of that online because it so perfectly describes the last three days.

    • Anon

      I think that Arizona was called early by Fox and AP is screwing up every other decision desk and state and making them hesitate to call, plus also there’s that very small risk of actual danger to clerks and election workers- better to wait until it is absolutely, 100% clear that there’s a win.

      • Anonymous

        I think Fox called Arizona early because Murdoch told them too because he’s over Trump and wanted to get people used to the idea that Biden could win before they bought into the Red Mirage effect too much.

      • anonyK

        I agree about Arizona making it messy. Nevada could clearly be called now, but that would give him the win with Arizona close (though Biden on pace to win still). My best guess is that they will call PA tonight…based on the fact that Biden/Harris are planning to speak in prime time. I wonder if there have been behind the scenes discussions with the networks such that networks agreed to officially call it by the time they are planning to speak– I don’t think this is nuts because PA could reasonably be called already. They have been counting mail ins for days and Bidens lead has done nothing but grow.

        • Anon

          I don’t think the Biden camp is coordinating with the networks at all. CNN reporting the speech is “in doubt” because the networks haven’t called the race yet. I think Biden clearly expected to give a victory speech tonight and the networks threw a wrench in it.

  12. After40

    I turned 40 this year and I am struggling to feel inspired or excited about next year, and the coming years of my life. I have struggled immensely in my professional and personal life for the past 7 years. It is only now that things are getting better in my career. In my personal life I feel sad that I am still single and no kids. Somehow I think I wouldn’t feel as bad if I was in a committed relationship or married. I am a WOC and I come from a culture where being married and having kids is highly valued for women so there is also a part of me that feels like despite educational and professional success I have failed in this area. I haven’t met anyone open to a serious relationship since my mid thirties, my serious relationship of 7 years ended when I was about 33 which was devastating. I know that I am still young compared to say someone who is 50 or 60 but at the same time I keep wondering how to get my spirits up and energized about the coming years, in short I feel like the best has already passed. Would appreciate tips, advice or resources that would help cultivate a different perspective.

    • Anon

      I’m 42 now. I left my long term relationship at 39. My professional success is fair to middling. I’m no beauty queen – now or ever. I have no prospects for a relationship on the horizon and I am fresh out of f*cks to give…. and that is so freeing.
      So what if my life doesn’t live up to someone else’s standard? My life is just that. MINE – entirely and intentionally. Go live your life for YOU, not what society thinks you should be.

      • Airplane.

        +1. It was so great when I could free myself from cultural and mainstream value placed on children. I do not desire to be a mom and while I’m so happy for my friends who do, I’ve sought out a community of childfree “rich auntie supremes” and it’s so great to be part of a community of women who do not champion marriage and children as the only real accomplishments and fulfillment.

        I am also a WOC and I found it truly fulfilling and joyful, in this specific arena, to divorce myself completely from this piece of my culture.

        • Anonymous

          How do I find these women? I have been having a hard time lately because one of my last childfree friends (and one of my closest friends) is now expecting. I am a black woman and don’t feel any cultural pressure to have kids, but I have had four good friends announce pregnancies this year when I thought that we were finally past that at our age. I am happy for most of them (one male friend is disappointed but resigned to becoming a parent), but I am generally happier with my childfree friends. But I need to bulk up this community STAT.

          • Anon

            Hobby groups and being open to making friends whose kids are out of the house pretty much sums up my small friend group. Of the 5 women I’d say I’m close to, three are child-free (two married to men, one single), two are married lesbian women whose son is grown. Hobbies are running, cycling, dogs and flowers/nature/gardening.

    • Anon

      Aw – sending you hugs! You definitely still have time and I say that as someone who got married late (I am almost 10 years older than you). I would keep putting yourself out there to the extent that you can – do things to broaden your social circle, let friends know you are open to being set up, keep trying or check out online dating. Also think about what you can do to make your life more fulfilling for you or any goals that you want to achieve. Keep your head up!

    • MJ

      Recommend a great short essay compilation called “On Being 40”. Some of the essays really reasonated with me, and I hope they reasonate with you. Not a POC, but also 40 and childless and not a beauty queen ;)

    • anonyK

      I am sorry you feel this way. I would say this- I think part of what is so hard about wanting to get married and have kids and not finding a partner is just that there is only so much of that that is in your control. A lot is just dumb luck and timing and all that. That is hard to accept because we want to blame someone/thing (an ex, ourselves), but I would work really hard on accepting that– specifically, it’s not your fault, there is nothing wrong with you, it’s just bad luck and it sucks. From there, think about- if getting married and having biological kids that way turns out to be not an option for me, then what? There are several ways you can go- embracing childfree life and continuing to pursue a long term partner; pursuing a long term relationship with the goal of adopting or otherwise becoming a parent in some other way; having a biological child on your own; adopting on your own; etc- probably more than I’ve even thought of off hand. So focus on deciding which of those options is your preferred second choice. I’m not saying your first choice (marriage + bio kids in traditional manner) is definitely off the table, but since that is your fear, I think you embrace it and decide what second choice will be. This whole exercise will hopefully allow you to feel more proactive in pursuing what will make you happy, while accepting that some things are just out of your control. In other words, accept the cards you are dealt and play them the best you can.

      Whenever someone would tease my dad, who is now 70, about getting older w/ each birthday etc, he would say (and still says) “it’s better than the alternative!” I used to find this very trite, but now as I get into my late thirties, I don’t. My dad’s father died of a heart attack in his mid 50s. I grew up with a girl who died of cancer at age 29. I know 2 women in my extended circle who have been dx with breast cancer in their 30s (neither dead, thank god). So now, truly, whenever I start to feel bad about getting older, I remind myself how very lucky I am to be here, still. You are alive, you are healthy, you are still in the game!

    • Anon

      I have several male friends in their mid-40s who are open to and looking for serious relationships. Most have left serious relationships or marriages in their 30s and took a while to come back to wanting something serious. All the ones I’m friends with date women from 35-50 (aka not just younger ones). My really good friend met someone at 39 who was in his late 40s, and was married and pregnant within the year (something they both wanted).

      I also have a friend in her late 40s, who is single with no kids. Her career had ups and downs and is currently on the upswing. She lives a fabulous life — very involved with her 3 nieces, takes awesome vacations alone and with friends (pre-COVID), pursues hobbies she loves.

      Whatever path your life takes, there are plenty of possibilities open to you. I also have to say that most of my male friends in their early 40s, and the men I dated in their early 40s, did not think that life ended at 40. I think a lot of this is pushed on us women by the “biological clock” people.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I’m so sorry, it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot and he events of this year certainly aren’t helping!

      I would recommend a good therapist. Not because there’s anything “wrong” about you that you need to “fix”, but because I’ve found that it can be helpful to have a neutral outsider that will listen to me vent and help me figure out how I can somehow eke out a life I will feel okay with (if not entirely satisfied by) and prioritize what is important.

      • Anonymous

        So true. I don’t know many situations that having a baby goat wouldn’t improve.

  13. Anonymous

    Since the Pandemic began I have been trapped in this horrible cycle of obsessing over the news to the detriment of work (associate attorney), household chores, basic needs like getting enough sleep. And then a deadline nears and I do a marathon work session to finish an assignment, and neglecting all other work, chores, basic human needs in the process. When I finally don’t have a deadline, then its marathon cleaning/chores. I am desperate for this to end. I am seeing a psychiatrist. I believe I am making progress, but have said that for a while now when in hind sight I definitely wasn’t. I am hoping I can at least now eliminate the obsessing over news part of the cycle. Does anyone have any advise on how to get caught up, both on work and in life, so I don’t do these marathons anymore and the cycle stops?

    • LaurenB

      I mentioned this before, but on Election Day I made it a point to take two exercise classes (outdoors, socially distanced, etc.) and then I went for a several-long-hour walk in the woods with my phone off so I didn’t have the temptation to check news sites. I then came home, had dinner, removed myself when my husband wanted to watch the news, and made myself the richest cup of hot cocoa I could and got into bed with a book. I slept the sleep of an angel and it made a HUGE difference — because really, nothing was resolved on Wednesday morning and I didn’t have the emotional rollercoaster of watching each state come in. I feel it’s given me a (relative) sense of calm given this crazy continuous outcome. Lesson for self: Restrict checking news sites, and focus on sites vs watching TV.

    • Anonymous

      I have been limiting the news checks to a couple of times a day and to written content. That way I don’t have a panel of people yelling at each (thanks, CNN) in my living room. I have also gone with wearing myself out with outdoor exercise rather than via online feeds, being outdoors is really restorative.

    • Anne

      Volunteer? I felt like the (limited) phone banking I did during the election really helped me feel better about the news. I honestly did it as much for own brain more than for any drop in the bucket I’d add to the outcome. Whatever about the news is on your mind maybe carve out some (limited) time to do something about it.

  14. Ses

    Airpods pro for conference call opinions? I’ve been thinking of getting them because they look light weight and i hear good things, but have found contradictory reviews of how well they work for actual phone calls.
    I have >5 hours of conference calls per day several days a week and would like to get things done around the house during some of them. I also focus better when I’m moving.
    I generally use a USB headset for calls, and in recordings I hear my voice clearly and without static, so I know that option works… but I’m tired of being tethered to the desk and having even the head-band of the headset on is a little annoying.
    Anyone use these regularly for calls?

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I haven’t had any problem and they charge so fast that even if I run out of battery at the end of the morning they’re totally fine after half an hour of lunch. Haven’t gotten any complaints about how I sound.

    • Anon Probate Atty

      I do, with no problems. And the noise cancelling feature makes the Pros extra good for work.

    • Cat

      I use them daily and they work GREAT. But only when I call in using my phone (not through laptop and Bluetooth). I can wander around half my house if I’m on the phone and the Bluetooth still works, but if I so much as lean over the wrong way with my laptop I start breaking up.

      • Ses

        this is helpful. I assumed I’d be using them with my laptop, but sounds like I should do audio via phone and video (when relevant) through laptop.

        • Cat

          FWIW my laptop has this issue with any Bluetooth device. SO if yours works ok with other Bluetooth connections then the AirPods might do just fine for you either way.

    • Anon

      Yes. Way, way, way better than any of my wired headphones (cheapy Apple ones and expensive Bose ones). Sound quality seems equal, but the benefit is wireless.

  15. disaster

    So I ran out of clean underwear today and wore silk pj shorts under my suit dress to work today. Hope everyone is well, healthy and living a more dignified life than me lol.

    • pugsnbourbon

      The number of times I’ve worn a swimsuit bottom as underwear – as full-grown adult – is greater than three. Hang in there!

    • Anon

      I created a very adult and sophisticated solution to this problem: I bought so much underwear that unless something extraordinarily drastic happened, it’s nearly impossible that I could run out of clean underwear. Clearly I am the pinnacle of adult responsibility, because rather than deciding to be more organized and do the laundry more frequently, I threw money at the problem until it went away. You’re welcome.

      • Anonymous

        +1 I went on a mission to find the best underwear on the planet and then once I did I purchased 14 black pairs and 7 beige pairs and called it a day.

  16. Outdoor gear stores

    As one outdoorsy person to you newbies, I thought I’d share some of the places I find good deals on my gear. So here it goes and share your list:
    Campmor
    The Clymb – also has guided trips
    Sierra Trading Post
    Backcountry
    Rei Outlet
    Zulily occasionally

    • Anonymous

      I will play, I learned this winter that Patagonia and other outdoor outlets have used gear as well.

    • Anon

      Steep and Cheap has the dumbest website name but they have excellent deals on gear, especially clothing. I got my son hiking boots for $20, marked down from $250 there.

  17. Anon

    Favorite bridal shower games? I’m normally not a fan of games but the bride wants them, and I think it might not be a bad icebreaker since the shower is virtual and none of the attendees know anyone except the bride. Doing the newlywed game for sure.

    • Anonymous

      Scattergories worked well for a bridal shower I hosted. We made our own categories – I think we used stuff like “something sexy,” “something related to love,” “best toys,” and stuff like that to keep it fun. People were howling with laughter so I think it worked well and you could easily do it over Zoom. I suggest using a short word to get your letters though since it can take a while.

    • Anonymous

      Wedding-themed pictionary. Ring, cake, bouquet, first dance, kiss the bride, something blue, etc.

      Also, each attendee shares their favorite photo of the bride. Go around and explain how you know the bride and why that was your favorite photo.

    • Marie

      Make bingo cards out of the items on the registry and pass them out to people, with the winner(s) getting a prize. When I threw a shower, people loved this because it gave them something to do while the bride opened her mountain of gifts.

    • Formerly Lilly

      I came here just for this. As a tiny blue dot living in a sea of red, I am ecstatic, but, you know, kind of having to do it privately IRL. And I think it’s worth remembering that there are approximately 70 million people who voted to continue the madness and the hatred. This nation has so much healing to do.

      I believe that we are now set on a path to a nation where acceptance, rather than hatred or disdain, of people who aren’t just like us will become normalized. I believe that we are now set on a path where we will try to take care of those left behind. I believe that America can once again be respected around the globe, and that our foreign allies can learn to trust us again. For the first time in quite some while, I believe that our democracy will survive.

      • Clementine

        I hope that Biden’s presidency will be healing for the country.

        I will say, his speeches have been so… even keeled? reasonable? appropriate. Yes. That’s the word I’ll use. Appropriate in tone.

        • Anon

          It’s honestly so jarring to see the president give a calm reasonable speech.

    • Anon

      I joined a corner celebration here in Berkeley (masked, 6 feet) and it was so joyous. Everyone was honking and waving. It wasn’t until a carful of young women (maybe Cal students?) drove up honking and cheering and blasting Party in the USA that I broke down in tears.

      Because it’s their future. It will seem normal to them to have a woman in the White House. Their rights will hopefully not continue to be eroded.

      Real tears of joy and one ruined medical mask. Worth it!!

      • anon

        My neighbors brought out a screen to watch the speech together. When he spoke about appointing a task force of scientists first thing, we all cheered and I started crying.
        It was one of his better speeches!

    • Anon

      My not-at-all-wealthy neighborhood is setting off professional grade fireworks right now. People are howling in joy at the moon from their yards.

    • Anonymous

      We cracked open our one good bottle of champagne and blubbered through the acceptance speeches. It feels like a massive weight has been lifted from our shoulders.

    • Senior Attorney

      Oh, man! I can feel the muscles in my neck and shoulders gradually starting to unclench…

      • Anonymous

        Just think, one day we won’t flinch when we see the color orange on TV, or all caps on Twitter.

  19. Anonymous

    Hey ya’ll, I know we were encouraging each other to donate before the election, so I am here to encourage one more donation. Senate control depends on 2 run-off elections in GA. Mitch McConnel will be such an impediment the reforms we need to pass. I’m donating to the Get Mitch Or Die Trying Fund, which is splitting funds between the two races.

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