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White sneakers are still going strong for spring, and I’m looking for a fresh pair — Adidas’ Superstar Slip-On Sneakers might be what I’m looking for.
These slip-ons are made from woven elastic bands topped with a classic clamshell toe. Given the elastic bands, I think these sneakers would be especially great if (like me) your feet run a bit wide. The elastic material may also make them easier to clean and keep sparkling white. They’re a smart and stylish alternative to your typical white lace-up sneakers.
Note that commentators mention they run big, so consider sizing half a size down.
The sneakers are $90 and available in sizes 5–11 at Nordstrom. They come in all white or black-and-white.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Anon
If you had been trying unsuccessfully for a baby for ~8 months, and had the choice, would you stay in an incredibly stressful job (~70-80 hour weeks, high intensity) with full coverage of IVF benefits, surrogacy, adoption support vs. transition to another job opportunity with lower stress (~50 hour weeks, slightly lower but still good compensation) but without any of those benefits? Obviously the stress makes it harder to conceive which is a reason to switch alone but also likely would have wanted to switch absent the conception issues. As it looks more likely we might need IVF that’s a vote in favor of staying at least for the next ~year, I just don’t know if I can do it…
Senior Attorney
I would definitely switch.
Anon
I mean maybe your new job would also cover IVF, right?
Aunt Jamesina
How easily can you afford IVF costs out of pocket? I would also check to see if your state has mandated coverage for fertility treatments. You might have coverage at your next employer.
anonymous
A couple of questions come to mind:
If you stay at your current job and do IVF, will you have the flexibility to take time off for appointments? Also, if the new job doesn’t offer IVF benefits, will you be able to pay for everything out of pocket?
Cat
Honestly, I was in the same boat and switched anyway. Biglaw’s benefits were generous (covered IVF) vs. in-house positions, but since we had plenty of savings, we decided the out of pocket cost (if it came to that) was worth it.
Anom
Life is too short. Pick the job you want to do.
Anon
Can you sort of split the difference? Stay in your current job long enough to get some embryos, but leave for the lower-stress one and then attempt to use them?
disclaimer – I don’t have kids and don’t know the ins and outs of the various options.
Anon
This. I had IVF a few years ago and it was around $15k-$20k for one attempt. The embryo didn’t stick and we weren’t going to pay that kind of cash again. We only had 1 embryo. Contrast with a friend whose insurance covers 6 IVFs. She is going into her 4th without success but at least she has the ability to keep trying. You need to decide how much you want to try (will one attempt feel like enough to you?), how much you are willing to spend, and as others said, if you can get the time for the appointments and have the mental space for the stress. My appts were all early morning so not a problem for my job, except the days I had retrieval and transfer.
If I could do one thing different, I would ask to not get updates along the way. Everything changed so much. 10 follicles on day, 5 the next, 8 the next. I’d rather just hear “ok, time to get what we can get.” I wouldn’t want to know how many eggs or how many embryos until they were at the point of implanting or freezing. We had sooooo many ups and down that drove me neurotic. If I ever did it again (and I won’t) I’d ask for as limited info as they are allowed to give.
Anon
A different question: do you think you’ll be able to handle the emotions of IVF in your current demanding role?
Anonymous
I stayed in an intense job with good fertility coverage (and really excellent maternity leave) through four rounds of IVF. I don’t regret it. Honestly it was better to have something else to focus on than the constant depressing fertility news. The appointments were mostly in the early morning and didn’t interfere with work. And the financial upside was huge. Ultimately, our fertility issues were far more significant than “stress,” and it was such a gift not to have financial pressure on top of all the other worries.
If you haven’t already, I would go ahead and get an initial evaluation now so you have a better sense of what you’re dealing with. In my city, multiple fertility clinics offer $99 self-pay “fertility checkups” with bloodwork, ultrasound, and semen analysis. Also, the wait to get an appointment at a reproductive endocrinologist can be months long. I would get an appointment soon even if you are waiting to start the full evaluation process.
Definitely do figure out whether your state has a fertility mandate and start looking at IVF pricing if you haven’t already. Some clinics have multi-cycle packages with a refund if you don’t have success — that could make the cost more palatable if you qualify. My state has high-quality insurance policies that include fertility coverage available on the marketplace so that is a backup for people with poor employer coverage — but that will vary significantly by state. You may also qualify for COBRA if you move jobs — even though it would be expensive, it would be cheaper than self-financing multiple rounds of IVF. I’ve found infertility groups for my state on Facebook to be a very good source of information for navigating financial and insurance issues.
Anon
The way I look at it, you’ve earned those IVF benefits. Lean out a bit at work (you can do it!) until you get what you need out of your benefits, then look to move on.
busybee
IVF out of pocket will cost you at least $40,000, adoption more like $50,000. Is that a cost you can easily cover? Keep in mind that IVF will not be the first step if you begin infertility treatment. You’ll be facing a barrage of tests and likely IUIs, each of which will cost a couple thousand.
Cat
That is really, really high based on what is the going rate in my area – a cycle of IVF is in the mid-teens, not $40K. YMMV, OP.
Cat
Oh and out-of-pocket costs for initial steps like testing and IUIs were almost 100% covered even on a non-fancy plan.
busybee
My meds were $15k. One retrieval was $12k, anesthesia an additional 2k. Each transfer is 3500. Meds for my transfer were about 5k. Had to do two transfers. Sooo yeah, $41,000. Each IUI was $1200.
busybee
Sorry, guess that was 32k ish. I’m broke from it regardless
Betsy
It doesn’t feel like you have a good option on the table there – I question whether a 50 hour a week job is going to be enough stress reduction to make a difference, especially if you are adding the stress of starting a new job and potential financial stress of paying out of pocket for IVF. Is there an option c you haven’t come across yet?
Anonymous
Complete anecdata but it took me 9 months to conceive my first. Has someone told you that you may need IVF? I would at least wait until you are told it’s on the table vs making a life changing career choice.
that said, I’d 100% bail on a job requiring 80 hours/week if I was planning to be pregnant and have young children.
Anonymous
This. How will you have time for IVF appointments let alone kids if you are working 80 hours a week? 11 hour days and kids are not a good combination.
Anon
She didn’t ask about having an 80 hr/week job and having kids.
Anonymous
So she’s planning to job hunt while pregnant or start a new on right after maternity leave? Vs take the offer on the table now?
Anon
Stay, do IVF, freeze as many embryos as possible, have one baby and don’t come back from maternity leave. Use the frozen embryos in the future.
Anonymous
Genius
Ellen
I would go for the less stressful job. This way, you will have more time for romantic s-x with hubby, and if you are not stressed out, you will be able to have more alone time with him in bed, and if you are relaxed and have enough s-x with him, you are bound to hit the jackpot with him. Then, once you have the baby, the less stressful job will allow for more time with “the baby” and you can then even try for another with hubby!
Horse Crazy
I got contacts for the first time on Wednesday! I’m sooo excited to not have to clean my glasses all the time, and switch between prescription glasses and sunglasses. I do have a couple of contacts questions, though:
I’m still on Zoom all the time (obviously) and now I feel like my eyes look really small without my glasses, and that the rest of my face looks HUGE. Any suggestions for how to make my eyes look bigger, or my cheeks/nose look smaller? Or should I just get over it?
My eye doctor said some people use eye drops in the middle of the day to keep their eyes from drying out, but I forgot to ask them what brand they think is good. Do people use regular Visene, or are there better brands out there?
Finally, anything else I should know about having contacts? Mine are daily use, for astigmatism, if that makes a difference.
Senior Attorney
You will need to adjust to seeing your face without glasses. I think you need to just hang in there until you do.
I like Blink eye drops — make sure to get the kind that say they are for contacts.
Congrats! (Oh, and resist the temptation to flush the used lenses. Microplastics in the water system are bad.)
AFT
ditto blink! Keep in mind that you want drops designed for use with contacts as other drops will degrade your contacts.
Anon
No to Visine. I don’t even know if you can use that with contacts. Use Refresh Tears.
My biggest advice: Never sleep in your contacts. It’s so bad for you!
Anon
+1 to not sleeping in them, and be vigilant about your hygiene when inserting/removing them! And never wear the dailies more than once. I have permanent damage in one eye from an infection from dirty contacts. Super fun.
Anonymous
+1 to Refresh.
Cat
If you need eye drops, don’t use anything medicated – just saline drops.
If your eyes are telling you they just aren’t feeling the contacts on a particular day, don’t force it. I’ve been wearing contacts for – oh lord – 25 years at this point and still have days where my eyeballs say “glasses please.”
anonymous
I like Systane eye drops for use with contacts.
Anon
You can’t physically change the size of your eyes or face, so…get over it.
I have severe astigmatism and I can’t use contacts when I’m looking at the computer all day. It’s irritating to my eyes. Contacts for astigmatism are less comfortable than regular ones especially if combined with bad eyesight (my contacts are thick so I can’t tolerate them for very long).
Anon
The small eyes thing is an adjustment period thing, but honestly is one of the reasons I still wear glasses and haven’t gone for contacts. My face is round and pale and lacks definition of any sort – having glasses really helps.
Anonymous
My eye doctor has a recycling box for the used contact lenses as well as the packaging. Everything but the saline the contacts float in. Great way to ensure the plastic is not getting into the garbage or water system.
Horse Crazy
Mine does too! I love this.
Contacts
– Don’t sleep with them! Seriously not worth it.
– Use a thorough cleaning solution like Clear Care Triple Action (make sure you use it correctly!); this really really helps with comfort.
– Change them when you are supposed to!
– Always travel with an extra pair; same at the office (they can break at the worst times)
– Have good hygiene when you put them on; this can slip after years of wearing them.
Anon
Set timers for eye breaks when you’re on a screen all day. Take five minutes to look into the distance, blink repeatedly, drink water, and lubricate your eyes. My optometrist recommends GenTeal brand, and the gel formula is great for extreme dry eye.
Anonymous
Make sure you get drops formulated for contacts. I use refresh. Your eyes will get used to contacts and you may not need to use drops that much once you adjust. I usually don’t, except during pollen season, when I need both drops and to take out and rinse my contacts if I have spent any amount of time outside (thanks, pine pollen). And this isn’t relevant if you have daily contacts, but if you ever switch to reusables (like the two week), highly recommend Clear Care solution.
Curious
I find I need almost no eye makeup with glasses and prefer eyeliner, mascara, a little highlighter, and eye brow pencil with contacts. Highlighter under the peak of the brow is key for me to make that eye space look bigger.
Anonymous
It’s your face – you should get used to it. I have small monolid eyes, so my eyes just look like dark shadows on video calls. Sometimes makeup helps, but webcam quality is just generally cr*p.
I know you said yours are daily use – but if they’re not daily disposables, be super vigilant about taking out contacts every night and washing them. Also remember to wash your contacts container every day with soap (handsoap has been fine) and occasionally sterilize them by running it thru the dishwasher hot setting. I’ve been wearing contacts for nearly 20 years now and haven’t gotten pinkeye by following those two ground rules. (my sister on the other hand, got pinkeye twice in college because she wasn’t cleaning her contacts every night)
Anon
If possible, switch to dailies. Otherwise be very diligent about cleaning your case and switching lenses as directed. Eye infections are the worst.
Anon
Fwiw, I wore contacts for 30+ years before getting LASIK and was clean but not hyper about cleaning my contacts and never had an issue. You will want to get more because a fresh pair feels better.
Anon
Thanks to everyone who chimed in with their second shot reaction stories yesterday. I am slowly starting to feel human again approaching 48 hours post-shot but the period from 12-36 hours was no joke. Wow. Still better than covid I’m sure.
Sloan Sabbith
Glad you’re feeling better. After I got through the original misery, I thought “Holy s*it if that’s like mild covid, I am so glad I got this shot.”
Anon
Exactly what I’ve been trying to tell myself!! But holy crap.
Anon
Just in case it’s helpful for a different POV, I’m at hour 24 post the second Pfizer shot and haven’t had any symptoms (knock on wood and hope I’m not jinxing buy posting). I have been taking Advil since getting the shot and that’s even kept a sore arm at bay.
Anon
Annnnnddd I take that back. Hour 36 kicked my little b*tt. Had a hard night and am adding to the “don’t plan anything big for a couple of days after” chorus. And also, totally worth it.
Ellen
My sister got the shot and she had a reaction. I am looking for a J&J vaccine so I only have to do this once, but now there is a shortage b/c so many people are getting the J&J. FOOEY!
Bonnie Kate
I’m so tired I could cry. The last month has been an exhausting montage of situations cumulating with this week DH has urgent knee surgery scheduled next Wednesday (after hurting it last weekend; three appointments this week; three appointments next week before the surgery, all of which I have to drive him to 30-60 min away because it’s his right knee=no driving). Give me your recharging ideas. The weather is garbage and calls for rain, rain and more rain this weekend, so getting out in nature isn’t in the cards.
Anon
Sleep! And you can still go outside in the rain, you just need a rain coat.
Bonnie Kate
It probably really is that simple! I feel like I did get some solid sleep last night and was so discouraged this morning (and now) when I was still just exhausted. But I got some good work hours in today and feel better on that end – it has been hard to get anything done with unexpected (necessary!) appointments all week – so now a weekend where I can sleep in will hopefully be the ticket.
Anonymous
You can and should go into nature in the rain. It’s a different, calming, and awakening experience. Wear good boots, a rain jacket with a hood, and go find somewhere quiet to recharge. I do this regularly and it’s great.
Bonnie Kate
I like this encouragement – you’re right, it’s just raining, it’s not even that cold for April here. I got a little jaded because last weekend was unseasonably warm and sunny here, and I’ve been driving in the rain to the appointments all week and hate driving in the rain, but walking and spending time outside is completely different than driving… We live in the middle of the woods, I can just dress right in clothes I literally already have in my coat closet and take a good walk. Thank you.
Anon
Anytime! I think you’ll find it really restorative. I love going out in the rain and having nature to myself while everyone is inside.
Ellen
Not sure about getting wet this time of year, tho sitting on a porch could do the same w/o getting wet. If you listen to the sound of the rain, that could work. My ex did this by running water in the toilet, but he was a jerk.
Anokha
I want to be totally clear that I don’t do this, but in this situation: A long bath with epsom salts and a book, followed by a melatonin and sleep mask and ALL the sleep.
anon
Yes, this. You desperately need some rest. And I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this!
Bonnie Kate
Thank you! You’re right. Focusing on that – normally I’m pretty balanced and I can trust that sleep will work, but for some reason this time I just have no faith in it, if that makes sense!
Bonnie Kate
You’re speaking my language; I LOVE baths. I have all of these things and can do this tonight. Thank you for laying it out like that – it was the perfect advice even if you don’t do it! :)
No Face
I never took baths before 2020. Now, I love an epsom salt bath! Easy and cheap stress relief that does not require leaving the house.
When I engage in therapeutic sleep, I skip the melatonin and go straight to Benadryl.
Bonnie Kate
I finally got a big bathtub this year and I use it at least once a week. :) The key to it really being relaxing though is for me to leave my stupid phone in the other room.
We have this Stress Easy supplement thing that is mostly just melatonin I think – idk my husband who is picky about supplements AF got it so he did the research – and it works really well. But I am definitely not above Benadryl!
Anonymous
Plan movies to watch?
Bonnie Kate
Definitely on the agenda while hanging with DH! Poor guy is in a lot of pain and under orders to NOT MOVE HIS KNEE and he is normally Mr. Outdoor Hobbies, so we’ll be watching all the movies.
Cat
Can you throw money at the pre-surgery appointment problem and have him take a Lyft or Uber for at least some of them??
Bonnie Kate
Unfortunately that’s a no go – we’re in a rural area with no Lyft/Uber. Good thought though!
Anon
This. He may want you there for support but if you are just a driver (particularly w/ COVID, you may not be able to go inside) hire a car.
Bonnie Kate
Surprisingly, I’ve been allowed in so far. Super thankful for that so I get to hear everything firsthand, although I didn’t go in for the MRI one because it was just more comfortable in the truck. I think we posted at the same time – rural area, so hiring a car isn’t really an option. One of the next appointments is the covid pre-op test and that would have been awesome (and likely frowned upon) to hire a car for that one! :D We’ve both been vaccinated so it’s purely routine.
anon
One thing that helps me is to find something to look forward to about the thing I’m dreading. Next week, during all that driving, can you and your husband listen to your favorite albums from your teenage years, or a serial podcast, or an audiobook? And I’d go to Barnes & Noble and buy some glossy magazines to read while waiting during the appointments.
Bonnie Kate
That’s such a good idea. He has a podcast that he really likes that I’m very ambilient about that he’s been playing, but during the last trip I switched us to something for both of us because I was over it. :) And I have been dreading more waiting time (soooo much more waiting time next week) and LOVE the suggestion of going and getting some mags specifically for this.
Bonnie Kate
Weird typo – I meant ambivalent.
Anon
Sleep, hire a house cleaner and order delivery and Instacart for a few days.
anon.
Has anyone ever bought Joules rain coats? Feedback/ reviews? Thanks.
Denver
Yes- love mine! It’s lightweight and loose but somehow cute and put together. I get SO many compliments.
Ribena
Yes! I have the Coast jacket and I loooove it. Super comfortable and perfect for warm rainy days, but roomy enough to fit a thick sweater under for when it’s cold.
Sunflower
I love mine.
Anon
I like mine. It’s a knee length cotton one so not convenient for packing/travels because of weight and bulk but I like wearing it around town because it looks great. I wear it with a light insulated jacket underneath for Portland’s rainy winter days and can stand outside for hours while my coworker kept being surprised that I could be warm in it.
Anonymous
Love them! The Brits do waterproof beautifully.
Anonymous
Anyone here married with a child from a prior marriage? How do you manage your finances? Do you have a prenup? Do you have kids together as well, and does that change anything?
In my first marriage, it was a no brainer to just combine everything, but this time around, we have different income levels and I get child support for my kid, so I’m not sure what I want to do. My intended is open to whatever arrangement I’m comfortable with and we’re going to have a long talk about it this weekend, so I’m just looking for anecdata on what other people do.
Anonymous
I married someone with a child from a previous marriage and we have a prenup and separate finances. We have a significant age difference (15 years older than me) and he makes much more than I do (but I’m also high-ish earner). He owns our home and I don’t contribute to it (mortgage or upkeep). That’s his asset. By the same token, I would never expect him to contribute to my savings or my car or anything like that. (When I sold my place and moved in with him, all of that money stayed with me.) A big reason for our set-up was to protect my stepson. And I’m 100 percent OK with that. We’ve now been married for 14 years. I’ve never have someone questioning a single purchase I’ve made during this time (although I will ask his thoughts on any big spends as he does with me). I know the arrangement is unconventional, but it works for us. I might feel differently had I been younger when we married (no established career or significant disparity) or had plans for children together. Some folks will make prenups sound like a death knell to a relationship. But honestly, it was comforting to me during rocky times to know that if I left I would receive X amount from him (amount increases with years married) and be fine–I think my married friends with mixed finances would have a much harder time of things, esp the many SAHMs among them. I am primary beneficiary on things like his will, etc. and vice versa. think no one can tell you what’s right for both of you but each other.
Anonymous
I had a child from a previous relationship when I got married to my now-husband. We were still fairly young when we got married and were both just starting our careers after years of graduate school. So we didn’t have any assets and just a lot of debt when we got married haha. My child was 5 when we got married. We have been married for 15 years and have had 2 more children. We combined our finances from the beginning. My oldest child’s father has not been involved and didn’t pay child support, so I don’t know if that would have changed how we did things.
Anon
I brought a child to my relationship. For the most part, our finances are totally combined. I do keep a separate account where child support goes. My portion of our kid’s private school tuition, extracurriculars, and some other kid-specific extras come out of that account. We don’t have other children but plan to in the near future. The plan is for the kid to transition back to public school after a few years. At that point, I’ll probably put excess child support in a 529.
anon
How do you deal with a parent who is not very emotionally astute or evolved? My mom was an excellent caregiver to young children but frankly, she is not great about providing emotional support to her grown children. Like when things go wrong, she is not the person I talk to until everything’s resolved, and maybe not even then. My sisters feel the same way. One was separated from her husband a year ago and just never told my parents. She doesn’t know that I suffered from postpartum anxiety, twice. My mom just shuts down when anything hard or uncomfortable is involved. Or, heaven forbid, you deliver some gentle criticism or want to talk about anything approaching a grievance with her, she gets defensive and can’t even have a open conversation about it.
She is overall a loving, caring person, but she shows less emotion than anyone I know. She is also deep, deep inside her comfort zone and not really willing to leave; we do every family gathering on her terms because she’s too uncomfortable to handle it otherwise. Anyway, all this to say she likely has untreated anxiety/depression (please trust me on this), isn’t the most worldly person, and isn’t going to change. My sister is pretty much always mad at her, and I am not very far behind. I don’t know what I’m even asking, other than how to find acceptance that I’m probably not going to have the adult relationship with my mom that I would like, simply because she is not capable. I talk to her weekly and it’s all so surface-level. Or all about the grandkids.
Anon
You’re not going to change her at this point, so accept what she does have to offer and deal with the rest on your own. You’re an adult now. You need to handle your own emotions. I know this sounds harsh, but acceptance is way better than getting hurt every time because she’s not the idealized mom you think you should have.
Anonymous
Yes this. Accept the mother you have.
anonnnn
I talk to my mother about nothing deep. I really kind of barely talk to her at all. She’s perfectly nice person, but we were never close and emotions were never something my family ever talked about with each other. As an example of this, I attempted suicide in my early 20s. Once I was discharged, and I confirmed I had made an appointment with a pyschiatrist, we literally have never spoken about it again. I am in my mid-40s now. Since this has always been our relationship, I am not bothered by it in the least. I have close friends who are my family for emotional and support purposes and it works excellently. I also have a therapist so that my friends do not have to be mine.
Anonymous
I am glad you are here, anonnnn, to participate in this dialogue, and to remind us of how important both friendship and therapy are. I am so sorry you didn’t find support when you needed it. I have been there.
anon
It sounds like you know this, but the best path is acceptance of who your mother is and then placing whatever boundaries you need to take care of yourself. You might find therapy to work through your own feelings about your mom to be constructive and helpful to you.
Anon
I think you get therapy to deal with your disappointment about the relationship not being what you desire and to learn to accept her for who she is, not who you want her to be. Your mom is who she is; she raised you well and met your needs as a child; she’s a loving, caring person; it’s not her job to check ALL the boxes you dream of. No one’s mom is perfect because we’re all imperfect.
My mom is a fantastic decorator and organizer, but I can’t discuss hard things with her – there’s no emotional depth with her, and it’s gotten worse as she’s aged and her world has narrowed to Facebook and Hallmark movies. My first MIL is very intellectual and artsy and a blast to go shopping with, but carries some bitterness even today about having married a small town guy young and having her career options limited. My second MIL is a former preschool teacher and is as cuddly and affectionate as you could ever wish for and mails darling packages of decorated sugar cookies to her grands for every holiday, but she doesn’t know ANYthing about the world outside of her small home town.
I’m a go-getter who’s organized and has too many graduate degrees, but I procrastinate like a fiend and am impatient.
We all have plusses and minuses <3
Anonymous
I have come to the same conclusions about my mother and I am following the advice to just accept her as she is and accept that she is not going to be a source of support in my adulthood. She loves me and likes me and we have a nice time interacting socially. She has been financially generous at times and will continue to be. And I get something out of being emotionally supportive to her and my stepfather. But I regret every instance in the past when I have, in my adulthood, sought her advice or comfort or emotional support or even just had to endure a response to sharing something other than great news. She is not just unhelpful; the result is a net negative for me. And so I have determined that it is better to not share and to seek that kind of support elsewhere or just suck it up and deal with it on my own. (She as much as told me this was her expectation when I was 22 anyway. I’m not sure why I didn’t believe her then and went back for more a few times.) My relationship with her is now quite surface-level and one-way with respect to emotional support. That is not ideal, but she raised me to be independent and I am ultimately grateful for that, so I am accepting that what I got as a kid is all I will ever get emotionally from her. I have also come to realize that she has not experienced the world in the way I have in most respects, so any actual advice would be of limited value anyway.
anon
OP here, and thank you for this response. I think this is what I needed to hear; it sounds like we have similar dynamics with our moms. I wish we could go deeper emotionally, but it’s just not in the cards. And our adult lives have looked very different, honestly, and I need to remember that.
Anonymous
I am glad. I will also share something that my boyfriend (a very smart and insightful guy) said to me that I found very helpful and may apply to your situation if our mothers are as similar as it seems: Your mother is not withholding anything from you. Her own emotional development was stunted, so she cannot give what she does not have. She is not a fully-actualized or matured person herself so she really can’t help you become one.
anon
I think that’s exactly right.
Senior Attorney
This is all spot on.
And I will also share something I heard years ago (maybe it comes from AA or Al Anon?): Expecting your mom to be capable of deep emotional interaction is like trying to order tacos at a Chinese restaurant. It’s it’s a waste of your time and it annoys the Chinese restaurant.
Anon
I disagree with your analogy, SA. It’s unreasonable to want or ask for tacos at a Chinese restaurant. It’s not unreasonable to want or ask for emotional support from your parent. They might not be capable of providing it, but it doesn’t make anybody a jerk for wishing they could get it.
Salty Cinnamon
Yes SA, exactly this.
Anon
I like SA’s analogy too. Nothing in it suggests the person is a jerk.
Anon
I could have written all of this. Came to the same conclusion after a lot of therapy. Finding the opposite of my mom in my spouse has been amazing, too – I finally have the emotional support I need in my life.
Anon
My problem is similar yet opposite: I can’t share much because it sends my mom into an obsessive anxiety spiral. I only tell her resolved problems; it’s very surface-level, as you stated.
I notice you don’t mention your dad. Is he in the picture? It’s so incredibly common for fathers to be this way, and we’re much more likely to accept them without question. It’s worth examining why we only gnash our teeth when our moms are like this, while dad is “the strong silent type, but he really does love you, dear”.
alison
Funnily enough I’ve realized as an adult that even though my dad is sort of the strong silent type, its actually better to discuss emotional problems with him because he’s more likely to be able to problem solve or think through things instead of my mom, who would just get even more emotional herself.
Anon
Just chiming in to say that this thread put into words so many things that I think and feel about my own relationship with my mother that I’ve been previously unable to articulate. It’s given me a lot to think about. Thank you all for sharing.
anon
Same here — thank you, all!
Anonymous
For those of you who have successfully purged clothes that fit, that you like but don’t wear often, that aren’t horribly out of style – how did you do it? I have not drastically changed size or style in 15 years (lots of dresses, solid colored separates). I have a huge closet full of clothing that I like. I have so much that it’s impossible for me to wear it every year.
I’d like to pare down but have a hard time saying – this is the right number, these pieces are too (fill in the blank) for me, etc. Ideas? I tried Marikondo but still had a lot.
Cat
Have you tried everything on recently? 15 years is a lot of time for stuff to truly still look current. In 2005, pants rises were really low, tops were more boxy, shoes were either way pointier or squarer-toed, lapels were larger, etc.
Other than that, it’s not a crime to have a full closet if you enjoy rotating around!
Anon
This, it’s not as current as you think it is (says a fuddy-duddy who refuses to give up my box-toed Nine West knee boots from the early aughts).
Maybe a second pair of eyes would help? A fashion maven relative or friend?
anon
+2. I tried everything on and some stuff looked outdated.
Anonymous
Why do you want to do this? It has to really matter to you. Focus on your why.
anonnnn
My first question is why do you want to pare down? Is it because you feel like you should because of external pressures or because you don’t wear some of it (or some other reason)? This would be how I would identify how to pare things down.
If it is because of external pressures, I would not pare down at all.
If it is becaue I have items that never get worn, I would start to keep track of the items I wear the most, physically separate them from the rest somehow (one side of the closest vs the other) and then after a set period of time (do this seasonally) donate the things I don’t wear.
Etc., etc.
anon
I don’t mean to be snarky, but can you identify a problem? You say you have a huge closet full of clothes that fit and that you like. Is the closet overflowing? Is it impossible to find what you want to wear? Is it stressful to look at all your options and have no clue what you want to wear that day? I’m asking because identifying a problem helps me set a goal, which motivates me.
If you have a huge, beautiful closet full of neatly hung, organized clothes that fit you and that you like, and you can get yourself dressed in the mornings without 6 outfit changes, then count yourself lucky. There’s no inherent virtue in getting rid of stuff. If you don’t have that, but want it, figure out how much you need to purge to reach that goal, and then be brutally honest about how much you really like something you haven’t worn in 2 years.
Anonymous
Instead of an absolute number, could you set a target to pare down a certain fraction? Like for every 10 dresses, aim to pare down 1 or 2. Set aside your “least favorite” (even if you still like it)
Set the target fairly low, and then repeat it if you feel like you still have “too much”.
Even if you like all of your clothes, there are probably some items you reach for again and again and ones that you don’t.
You could also probably be more picky about the criteria. Does it really fit perfectly? Is it still in really good shape (not looking worn etc)?
No Face
Just the keep the clothes. You like them!
I have a capsule wardrobe because I want one. You don’t need to be me.
Vicky Austin
+1000. “I have a huge closet full of clothes that I like.” Great!
MagicUnicorn
If you just want to thin the herd, I would start by looking at duplicates. If you have teen black pencil skirts, maybe pick your absolute most favorite six and keep those ones? You don’t have to actively dislike the others.
Also maybe think about putting together a capsule wardrobe or two to donate to a woman’s shelter? That might be a more fun way of letting some things go than just telling yourself you are cleaning your closet.
MagicUnicorn
Ten, not teen. Thanks autocorrect.
NOLA
A friend of mine, who loved to shop and had a ton of clothes (her closet once collapsed while they were away on vacation) used to have a friend come visit and she would try everything on and answer two questions – 1. Have you worn it in the past year? and 2. Do you love it? If the answer was no to both, it would go in the date pile. Now that said, I haven’t worn my work clothes in the past year, so I wouldn’t do that now, but I have a small closet that I have to switch out seasonally, so when I switch clothes to my other location (a clothing rack in an extra bedroom), I evaluate everything and decide if I want to keep it. Another friend, who used to be active here, recently did a whole purge with her followers on Instagram. She would try things on and take closet selfies and let people vote on keep or donate. I think it helps to get input!
Anonymous
Keep your favourites.
Is it a favourite? Great. Keep.
Is it a “oh, yeah, that’s nice, I can use this to have variety, but I guess I would never ever pick it if I wanted to put a week’s worth of clothes in a bag for travelling doing my favourite things? Let it go.
If you’re only keeping something because you have an idea that other people will judge you if you don’t have fresh outfits for 30 days of work running, or something, let it go.
If you’re only keeping something because it fits and look nice but it will never, ever be first pick, let it go.
Unless these clothes are collector’s items, you don’t need things that you wear 1-2 times a year (if it’s not a specialty item).
Tea/Coffee
If there’s really a reason to pare down (agree with PPs) – what I do is switch the way the hanger is going for everything all at once. So the hanger is “backwards” on the rod. Then as I wear things, they get hung back up in the normal way, and after 6-12 months you can clearly see what you have not worn. YMMV, this only works if there weren’t big life/body changes that forced some of the non-wearing (ie i wasn’t wearing a lot of my favorites when i was pg/pp for instance). But it helps me to shine a light on that shirt or two that I “like,” but hasn’t seen the light of day in who-knows-how-long.
Anonymous
I would not worry about it! Just don’t add anything new to the mix that is a duplicate of something you already have, and over time you will bring the numbers down.
Anon
I need a new casual swimsuit. I like the idea of Athleta but not the current prints. Any ideas for where to look? Cusp size pear, looking for something for active swimming/bodysurfing more than beach lounging. I think a higher-waisted bottom might be nice as well. TIA!
Cat
Lands End. Sift through the frump and there’s good options, and they hold up REALLY well.
Ribena
Boden! I love their swimwear.
anon
Size 12 pear, here. Athleta is usually my source but I am NOT liking the options this year.
Possibly Carve Designs, but you will have to sift through all the low-rise options and choose either a high-waist bottom or shorts. They have good rashguards and sportier stuff that has worked OK for me.
Anonymous
I am looking for the same–try Lands End, Title Nine, and Sweaty Betty (I did end up ordering the one print I liked at Athleta, but considering ordering an option from Sweaty Betty as well). Title Nine had some cute ones, but no free shipping/returns.
anon
Oh yeah! I like Title Nine’s styles, but as a tall person, they don’t work for me at all. Sad face.
AnonATL
Prana, lands end, or some of the aerie styles
DeepSouth
Blue by Rod Beatty. I bought one from an instagram ad and it’s GREAT. cute, good support, lots of coverage without veering into the Lands End Frump. enough support for my DD top.
Fitted tees?
Are there affordable recommendations for plain fitted t-shirts for women? I prefer the crewneck and I have some that I bought in a store in Canada that unfortunately does not ship to the US. Their usual price was $16.99 but got them on sale for half that. Been looking in the US and cannot seem to find anything in that price range that fits nicely(I wear mine under blazers with jeans for casual look) and is not too thin. I like the thickness of the Uniqlo t-shirts but I find them a bit boxy if worn untucked.
Anon
Nordstrom has a few options in that price range (BP crewneck T shirt, Madewell Northside Vintage tee)
Anon
J. Crew Factory or Everlane
I think you’ll have to accept that it costs more than $9 to make a decent quality t-shirt.
Anon
I don’t shop retail for plain tee shirts. I find a style that fits me well, look online for a wholesaler using the tag info, then buy a bunch. Currently I like the Next Level Apparel Women’s Ideal Crew, which is 60-40 cotton-poly. I pay 3-5 bucks a piece, depending on availability.
Fitted tees?
OP here: Just looked up Next Level, what quantity qualifies as wholesale? Thanks for the all the recommendations!
Anon
I shop places like BulkApparel, ShirtMax, and JiffyShirts. Most of them do not have a minimum order requirement, but you will pay full price for shipping (usually $10-15). Coupon codes are available, but I never spend enough to earn them (usually $150+).
I tend to order a few different styles and sizes to see what holds up to washing and drying over a few months. Once I have a clear winner, I buy enough shirts to fill a washing load.
This past order I tried the Next Level, some Gildan, and a few Hanes. The Next Level was the most flattering cut, though I had been hoping to like the Gildan more because they’re 100% cotton and hold less odor.
Anonymous
The LL Bean cotton pima t-shirts are great for this. I got the rec here and have ordered a ton. I would size down if between sizes and you want a more fitted look.
Anon
Halogen at Nordstrom
Anonymous Canadian
If you really want the Canadian ones I would volunteer to have you send them here and I can forward them on to you. CorporetteCanadian@gmail.com.
Anonymous
Canadian here interested in these t shirts. Can you share the name of the store?
Anon
Another Canadian would like to know!
Anonymous
I think my boyfriend and I have run out course. We started dating during covid long distance. For the first time in my life, I took things day by day – didn’t think about whether we are a good long term fit, what family might think, etc, just enjoying the “escape” long weekends to see one another and zooming through a lot of quarantine periods and working from home. Now that family is vaccinated and small groups of friends are starting to plan summer events I’m realizing – I don’t see him in my post-covid life. I feel like I’m going to thank him for being a good dude, glad we could support each other during covid, and let him go so we can both move on with life. Not sure if anyone else has split due to a life change – separate from their partner – but if feels strangely “right” and unemotional.
Anon
I had a covid boyfriend like this during this past summer and fall. He was good company and we had nice adventures, but when I had to hunker down for more serious things (and winter got in the way of fun…) it was clear that we didn’t have a future. It turns out that he saw the same incompatibilities than I did, and we split amicably and with lots of gratitude for our time together this past year. I think of him fondly now and then, but don’t regret the choice at all. Good luck!
Ellen
Well at least you all had COVID boyfriends, and you both got good s-x out of it. I never had the chance to find a COVID boyfriend and I did not want to find some guy just to jump on top of me for his own satisfaction. I had enough of that with my ex, and I could not stand his bad breathe all the time huffeing and puffeing on top of me all night. The thought of finding some new schlub who would do that to me again was more then I could stand. FOOEY on that!
anon
I’m also on the brink of ending a covid relationship without any of the emotion that normally accompanies such decisions. Good luck with whatever comes next! I admire you for knowing what you want.
Ellen
I would go for the less stressful job. This way, you will have more time for romantic s-x with hubby, and if you are not stressed out, you will be able to have more alone time with him in bed, and if you are relaxed and have enough s-x with him, you are bound to hit the jackpot with him. Then, once you have the baby, the less stressful job will allow for more time with “the baby” and you can then even try for another with hubby!
Anon
I had a boyfriend like this. We connected during a time when each of us had a parent dying from cancer. After our parents died (within a month of each other) and we got through a few months, it was clearly time to move on. I think we both benefited enormously from the emotional support and the comfort of not having to explain what was going on during an awful time. Your situation sounds similar. I hope he is in the same place that you are: that he can appreciate how you have helped each other through a tough year, and that he is also ready to move on.
Anon
I let my laundry pile up because I was going to do one big blowout wash day this weekend, to transition my winter and summer clothes. Then my washing machine flooded the laundry room. I hoped it was a quick fix like a check valve, but we took it apart and the outer rub is rusted all the way through.
So now I have nothing normal to wear to shop for a washing machine this weekend. What do you think: business suit, semiformal gown, or bathrobe? :p
Anonymous
Semi formal gown!!!!
Ses
+1 gown. One doesn’t shop for a washing machine in ones bathrobe. It simply isn’t Done.
MagicUnicorn
Gown, no question.
Anonymous Canadian
Gown and please report back.
Anonymous
My 10 year wedding anniversary is coming up! I want to pick a piece of milestone jewelry – preferably interesting earrings. Price cap is about $3000. Any suggestions for jewelers/designers that aren’t as mainstream? For reference, I really like Alexis Bittar’s styles. Thank you for any shopping help :).
AIMS
I would look for something vintage. But in the alternative (and I have no idea if this is worth the price) I really love these: https://www.monicarichkosann.com/collections/earrings/products/lightning-bolt-earrings-with-rock-crystal-and-diamonds
Anon
You can buy these earrings I have been ogling but can’t afford right now
https://kojimapearl.com/products/rahi-rahi-tahitian-keshi-earrings
She also has an 18% off sale going right now.
Anon
Check out Jane Pope jewelry- lots of right hand rings and every day stuff that’s modern
Anonymous
Ippolita has similar designs to the Bittar modern pieces. Pommellato has more whimsical designs.
Tired
Has anyone here gotten an ADHD diagnosis as an adult? I am currently nearing the end of bachelor’s degree. Skills I thought I would have shored up by now still take me far longer than they should (one test and an annotated bibliography took me the whole day to complete). I procrastinate working on things because I get overwhelmed. When I do start things I flit back and forth between playing silly games and actually working. I’ve only recently found that I focus significantly better with podcasts in the background–up until recently I’d been trying to avoid multitasking like that because I thought it would distract me. My SO asks me to do simple tasks, like the dishes, and unless he reminds me when I can drop what I’m doing and immediately do them, they may never get done.
My to-do list seems never ending, but in reality, I have a relatively light workload (17 credit hours in school + a high paying but low hours job that I set my own schedule on and only work 3 days out of the week, with weekends off). I just thought I would be better at managing these things by now. I recently got health insurance, so as soon as this semester ends I’m planning on trying to get an assessment done, and likely medication, but I’m not sure what to expect. I have a very good track record with grades, and I do eventually get everything done that needs to be done, my bills are all paid on time (because I check accounts religiously), I don’t appear impulsive (because I keep it confined to relatively minor purchases that won’t affect my overall stability), I’m never late to classes (because I set lots of alarms and make it a point to always be 15+ minutes early), I rarely miss assignments (because I make it a point of writing everything down for the week on a planner that stays open on my study space so I never have to worry about finding where I put my to-do list)–so on the one hand, I could see someone looking at my case and seeing someone who is, in fact, keeping all their stuff together, and dismiss me. But at the same time, should I really need to work this hard just to do what most of my peers are doing while also holding down full time or even part time jobs? I’m just tired of feeling like I’m bad at things when maybe it doesn’t necessarily have to be my fault–but then I also feel guilty for looking for an easy out.
Sorry for the vent. Outside perspectives/stories/experiences are much appreciated.
Anon
Yes. I was referred to a neuropsychologist for an assessment. I think this was the Cadillac care approach (vs. filling out a questionnaire with a psychiatrist), but the testing felt pretty objective; it wasn’t all personal history. Knowing that I gave some of the task performance tests my best effort, I was struck by the comparison between my performance and what’s average. For me I found that this helped with that nagging guilty feeling.
A diagnosis can open doors to a number of different management approaches. Apparently it’s now believed that ADHD can involve dopamine, acetylcholine, and/or norepinephrine. Testing doesn’t tell you which, but this means there are various meds and supplements that may be worth trying (it’s not just Ritalin/Adderall or nothing; some people take Strattera, some people take Wellbutrin; some people experiment with OTCs like citicoline or uridine or L-tyrosine or omega-3s). It’s also possible to get coaching or therapy to come up with better scaffolding/compensatory strategies (like your planner and alarms), sometimes including outsourcing (“paying the ADHD tax upfront”). One thing my psychiatrist strongly recommend was a sleep study (since poor sleep can make ADHD much more difficult to manage.
OP
Thank you for sharing, this is super helfpul!
Anonymous
I just came across the brand Slowline Bags in my neverending search for good work bags. Can anyone speak to the quality and durability?