Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Nouveau Crepe Shift Dress

252 Comments

1. I think that the patterns on this would . . . magnify my pear-ness.

   To someone, that may be a feature; to me it is a bug.

   1. Yeah, I can really only see it working on straight up-and-down body types.

   2. Believe it or not, I agree, even tho it is NORDSTROMs, and a nice pattern, I can’t see spending $600 for this dress. Dad has told me to be more fruegel if I am to attract a decent guy to be my husband, so I am beginning to get the picture. I still want to look good, so I will continue to get my mani/pedis every other week and dress for success! I need to get MARRIED within a year, otherwise, it’s IVF come MAY!!!!! YAY!!!!

2. I was struck by a side conversatsion during last week’s long debate about transpeople in bathrooms. At least a couple of people were offended when women bring their little boys into a women’s locker room or bathroom. Please help me understand the issue, because I do this all the time. What am I supposed to do with my kid after swimming or in a train station? I’m not sending a 7 year old boy into a public bathroom alone. Is the idea that people feel violated because the little boy might see you naked? I doubt anyone feels physically unsafe around a child and I sincerely want to understand the issue. Once, like 2-3 years ago when my son was 5, a woman at swimming yelled at him for being in the women’s locker room and it baffled me. I never thought others shared her view but maybe I am inadvertently offending people? Is it the fact that he can see you or something else that makes you mad? What if I made him close his eyes?

   1. These people are stupid. It’s fine.

      1. I have a daughter going through early-ish puberty and she really does not want boys from her school seeing her naked. She is 9 and would hates this. There is staring. The moms don’t do anything (make your son go into a stall and change and then he can wait outside).

         1. This is a super good point. Wouldn’t have thought of it myself.

         2. Yeah, but the number of child predators out there you just can’t send a 7 yr old into the men’s locker room alone, one child’s safety > than another child’s embarrassment. Obviously there is an age cut off where a child has the mental capacity to react in a way that is less likely to have them in danger (i.e. scream for help instead of being quiet in fear, big enough and gutsy enough to kick, bite, scratch and hurt). That’s why there are private changing sections of most locker rooms. At least mother and son should go away from the main dressing area.

            1. “Obviously there is an age cut off where a child has the mental capacity to react in a way that is less likely to have them in danger (i.e. scream for help instead of being quiet in fear, big enough and gutsy enough to kick, bite, scratch and hurt)”

               This cutoff is far, far below age 7, in a typical child. Maybe age 4-5.

            2. There really aren’t many child predators. There aren’t.

            3. I still can’t wrap my head around why are there so many child predators out there? How is a sex offender list keeping children safe? Why aren’t parents with social capital rallying to keep child predators behind bars?(!)

            4. There are not that many child predators out there who are going to grab a kid in the restroom. Most of them prey on children they know whose parents trust them. I am more worried that these women who bring school-aged boys into the ladies’ room are teaching their sons to be predators of a different sort.

            5. Anonymous @11:06 am, I don’t know where you live, but I check the registered offender lists in places where I live, and there are many. And I’ve lived in multiple states that provide details about exactly what offenders were convicted of, so I know it’s not some kind of nudity in public non-crime that got certain people on the list.

            6. Your children are most at risk from adults they know, not strangers. That’s the case now and always has been. Google “stranger danger” and there’s a ton of information on the fact that strangers aren’t the problem (most of the time).

            7. But the stats on stranger danger are coming from convictions and reported crimes, right? I don’t know if it’s different for boys, but lord knows my friends and I didn’t report on strangers when we were in grade school and junior high (except to one another). Maybe that’s changing if parents are raising girls to report, but there’s no question in my mind that these guys were predators. And when the “familiar faces” predators are interviewed, they sometimes report additional victims that they didn’t know well. I worry that these stats reflect how and when people get caught.

            8. Yeah, I hope that some of you worried about random predators in bathrooms are equally sensitive to the more likely sources of predation like family members, church elders, etc.

         3. Tell her they are trans. Problem solved. Because this entire conversation assumes it is okay for adult men to be present while your daughter changes, as long as they say that they identify as trans, correct?

            1. No, it doesn’t assume that. It’s a separate but related issue.

            2. Oh shut up.

      2. No, they’re not stupid. Sometimes grown women do not feel comfortable with boys in their locker room. They have a different opinion than you. Grow up.

         1. Nobody is publicly naked in a bathroom. If anyone – boy or girl – ducked under my stall, I’d scream. It’s really not that big a deal if a boy is in the bathroom and not looking into my stall.

            1. It’s a locker room. Getting so tired of commenters pulling out the “why are you so paranoid about a bathroom with stalls??!” line when we are very clearly talking about a locker room where people are naked. The same thing happened on the trans thread .

            2. Right, I wrote locker room. Locker. Room.

   2. I think it depends on the situation. I wouldn’t send a 7 year old boy into the men’s locker room at the city YMCA, but I absolutely would at my local suburban swim club.

      1. Our city Y has adult-only locker rooms. There are family locker rooms by the pool (but same gender). The newer suburban one may have family changing rooms, but our older one does not.

   3. These are just my opinions, so take them FWIW. I have 2 little boys – 6 and 4. I don’t think bathrooms are much of an issue because there are stalls, so there’s an element of privacy. But I don’t take them into women’s locker rooms – I think it violates women’s rights to privacy. I don’t want a little boy (even my own at this point) to see me naked. So, I either use the family locker room (duh), or make an alternative arrangement. Like, we have swim lessons, and they can’t use the women’s locker room, so I bought them robes. I dry them off, put the robes on, and then scoot them to the car. They change at home which is only a couple minutes away. I know people feel strongly, but I personally wouldn’t bring little boys into a women’s locker room because it’s rude to the other women.

      1. Such a good solution! Thank you!

      2. I appreciate you doing it this way! I take swim lessons with my daughter and there are so many boys in our locker room. I just stopped changing because they stare and I am not comfortable. And moms don’t explain gender differences or state that it is not polite to stare at other people’s naked bodies. We have 6 family changing rooms but they insist their kids shower in the women’s changing room. So instead I go home wet because I don’t want to occupy a family room with my same-gendered child. There is no great answer here but husband takes daughter to family changing room without any question. I don’t know why this is so different. This disparate changing practice sends the message that girls will experience trauma from seeing penises but boys seeing boobs of unwilling adult women is completely acceptable to both participants. Such a double standard that sets us up for the current state of things where adult men are claiming to not understand boundaries (and maybe they really don’t).

   4. My dad used to take me into the men’s restroom with him when I was very young (4 or 5?) and we were out in public together because he was not about to send me off to a public restroom by myself at that age. I recall him coaching me ahead of time to keep my eyes down and not stare at anyone, and it was fine.

      Presumably you stand up for your son if anyone confronts him for being in the women’s room, so I say just let the pearl clutcher clutch her pearls. You are not doing anything wrong.

   5. I think it’s odd to bring a 7-year-old boy into a ladies’ room, because he’s clearly old enough to use a bathroom by himself. I also wouldn’t want someone else’s kid that age looking at me while I’m changing in a locker room. But I wouldn’t freak out about it. I might freak out if the kid was a year or two older.

      1. Not every 7 year old is old enough to use a bathroom alone. Some are physically or developmentally behind and need additional help. I have yet to see a women’s locker room at a place like a Y that didn’t generally have a policy on how young male children could be and still be in the locker room with their female caretaker. Not every place has the facilities for family changing rooms or locker rooms, especially older facilities. I am sure there are some places that I am not aware of where this isn’t elaborated, but it seems to me that the majority understand the importance here.

         1. Bathrooms have stalls. I think that the dressing room issue is a bigger issue.

            1. Stalls do not really provide much privacy.

            2. But stalls provide *some* privacy and people are not really observable (and not 100% nekkid) the way they are in open changing rooms. Different if the boys are looking through cracks or under doors, obvs.

               Also it’s not like how urinals are in men’s rooms.

            3. Stalls are only helpful if the little boy actually stays in the stall. I have had little boys swing under the stall and stare at me while I’m going to the bathroom before. It was mortifying. I also just think it really doesn’t instill a good sense of boundaries with boys if they think it’s fine to be around naked women in the bathroom.

            4. Re 10:31 anon: I hope that there are moms out there reading this and realizing that a lot of you are really falling down on the job.

               And what kills me is that this is seen as funny or cute when it is neither.

            5. Yup. Also, if you are a parent who thinks it’s cute if your son kisses girls at school when they don’t want him to, get on fixing that problem too. When I started a new school as a 9 year old, I was warned by other girls about the boy who did that. The teachers knew but didn’t do anything. I slapped him when he did it to me, and he stopped doing it to anyone.

               (I didn’t get in trouble, fortunately, but my parents would have had my back.)

            6. In my middle school, we had a boy who would violently tickle girls. He genuinely didn’t understand why I complained to a teacher (I was new in 7th grade and he has been doing this to many girls from first day of 6th grade). He said – but you were laughing! Everyone laughs, so they like it! Can you believe.

   6. My sense of this is colored by whether a child is of an age where he/she needs help with toileting needs in bathrooms. In locker rooms, if they are open, a lot depends on whether they are of an age where you don’t want to normalize that they see adults naked / adults see them naked. [In Scouts, adults and children are never in the bathroom just for going to the bathroom together. Even if same gender. You can go in with your own kids only if no one else is in there.]

      In my city, a lot of kids go to 1-week YMCA sleep-away camps when they are in K or 1 (which I think is very early). But when they can do for themselves on their own, I think they should.

      I also think it’s OK to stand outside the door of the men’s room, have the kid on a timer (in 3 minutes I’m coming in), and let them know if they make any noise you will come in. But for our pool, half the kids come in suits and towel off (leaving in damp suits) and when you can see who of the known users go in, you have a pretty good idea that it’s OK for your kid to go in too.

      Conversely, my husband would never have taken our daughters into the mens room ever. When he did swim lessons at our Y, he’d just change them at home each way and towel off on the pool deck.

   7. I think there is a difference between being in a locker room where people are actually changing and being in a women’s bathroom where everyone is behind a closed door. Our gym doesn’t allow kids in lockers rooms. You can change them in the family changing room or you can send them to the regular bathrooms to change.
      And everyone has their own comfort level obviously, but by 6, my son was using men’s restrooms alone in 99% of places. We talked a lot about body safety and how to behave in a restroom and his dad showed him everything he needed to do. The only place I have some reservations are restrooms are large venues like sporting events because they are so crowded and busy. If it is just the two of us, I wait by the entrance. For places like restaurants, he’s capable of walking himself there and coming back to the table.

   8. I have been in multiple locker rooms where young boys accompanying their mothers have not kept their gazes to themselves. I think curiosity is the culprit, but it still makes me uncomfortable and I do not think it’s appropriate because the locker room is a private space for girls and women to undress.

      Instead of always asking women and girls to make compromises for others’ safety in the locker room, why don’t we start tackling the issue of why men make bathrooms so unsafe for children, women, and gender non-conforming males? What policy solutions are there that don’t involve the women’s room at all? I would start with bathroom attendants.

      1. I’ve seen boys in locker rooms where they were old enough to be beyond the curiosity stage and into the clearly-having-a-good-time stage. Ugh.

         1. “The only way to protect my son from predators is to raise him to disregard the comfort and safety of women while objectifying them for his own s3xual pleasure!” I have some problems with this thread(!).

   9. The problem with boys in the women’s locker room or restroom is that I have numerous times witnessed school-aged boys staring at women and girls who are changing or peering under or around stall doors. Taking a boy who is capable of changing on his own or going to the bathroom by himself into the women’s locker room teaches him that it is okay to violate women’s privacy, and sends the message to the girls using the facility that their own right to privacy and bodily autonomy is less important than a boy’s right to go wherever he wants to go (or really, wherever his mother wants to take him). In addition, it infantilizes the boy and fails to teach him to function at an age-appropriate level of independence.

      You do not ever see dads taking little girls into the men’s room once they can go potty or change by themselves. Never, ever.

      1. I’m pretty sure little girls will stare, as well. Especially if they don’t ever see anyone naked at home.

         1. Poor kids not having parent around to correct their rudeness.

      2. +1. Girls’ rights matter too.

      3. Yes, this is what I was going to say if no one else had.

      4. My daughters and their friends do not want the boys from their K-5 elementary school seeing them change. Some of the 4th and 5th graders are in puberty already and have their periods. It’s not the same as 3-year-olds or babies. These girls shouldn’t have to deal with this.

         1. Right but the answer to this is family changing rooms or private changing rooms. If those don’t exist ALL the moms need to address this.

            1. But why can’t a 7 year old change without supervision in a family friendly place like a YMCA? There is no need to infantalize.

            2. And the Dads. But in the meantime, if your kid uses the bathroom at school and goes to day camp in the summer, he shouldn’t be in the locker room changing with my daughters and me.

   10. In my gym, there are women who bring their sons into the locker so they won’t have to be alone while Mom changes. Half the boys are at least 7 or older. I can’t understand why people bring their kids along to hang out while they work out, but under no circumstances should boys of that age be in the ladies locker room just so Mom can keep an eye on them.

       1. These kids belong in the gym’s child care area. They shouldn’t be in the locker room and they shouldn’t be playing around in the gym while mom works out.

   11. I’ve been thinking a lot about why people (myself included) get so nervous in bathrooms and locker rooms. I know my single mom used to stress about what to do with my baby brother in a bathroom.

       When I went to Iceland last year, I went to several of the public thermal baths where you have to entirely disrobe, swimsuit and all, and take a shower with soap prior to entrance. There are even signs in multiple languages with a human shape indicating you needed to wash your underarms, privates, and feet with soap, and they have same sex locker room monitors to ensure you do so.

       It was so obvious to see who the Americans were. My friends and I were extremely awkward, hiding in corners and trying not to see each other naked, while people of other nationalities freely bathed and changed in front of their friends/family and strangers.

       1. All of those people voluntarily chose to be in a clothing-free single-sex environment. In contrast, when I go out in public or visit my gym that provides single-sex locker rooms, I do not automatically consent to have school-aged boys staring at me while I use the restroom or get dressed to work out.

          1. I had to pump in a locker room once. I bet no boy would ever want to go into a women’s locker room again had he witnessed that.

             1. Haha! This made me laugh (I say as I pump…)

       2. AND YET they still have sex-specific bathrooms for changing / showering. Good for them.

          Did you play a team sport? Esp. if it was swimming, you get used to changing. You may mentally put on your cloak of invisibility as a younger teen, but it is NBD. Probably it’s just want you get used to or not.

       3. I didn’t see any 7 year old boys in the showers when I was in Iceland. And no I didn’t just go to the Blue Lagoon, I went to pools all over the country.

   12. as someone with infant daughters, when we get out of the diaper stage – if dad wants to take them out somewhere and there is not a family restroom, is he supposed to send them into the women’s bathroom on their own? not talking about a locker room like after swim lessons, but a restroom at a park or restaurant etc.

       1. No. A 3 year old obviously needs help using a public restroom and nobody will look askance at that.

          1. Right. I used to have to lift my kids onto the potty and lift them up to wash their hands. They often would not lock the stall door or single-seat bathroom door (so I’d remind them then do it, but they needed to learn that). But once they had mastered this, they were OK to go in alone.

             Also, sometimes kids would spill on themselves or throw up on themselves (or others) and when you need to help them clean up and change, often you all go into your gender’s handicapped stall for that since it takes a while.

             But I think the bigger issue for boys in women’s spaces is in open changing areas, not bathrooms (but b/c of things like trough or open urinals, men usually don’t bring their daughters into even mere bathrooms).

       2. I ran into this recently. A little girl had gotten stuck while trying to change her clothes in a public restroom. Her dad was outside trying to coach her but she had buttons down the back of her dress and she was all tangled up. I went to speak with the dad and asked him if I could help her. But that’s totally why we need individual or family bathrooms.

          1. Yes — dads seem to ask women for help with this stuff a lot I think (and as a women with kids, when I was pushing a stroller I probably seemed to be a very safe bet as a stranger-helper).

             I know it’s not the same with women’s comfort level with men generally. I wouldn’t have hesitated to yell in after my stepson “If you’re not out in a minute, I am coming in there.”

          2. Yeah, I think if you are clear about offering a kid help, people are going to understand that. If I see a little kid struggling to wash their hands or whatever, I’ll ask if they need help and can I get them soap or a towel or whatever. Sometimes they say yes and sometimes they say no. Generally other people are around and they do the same.

       3. as a 3 year old, no. As a 5 year old in K, yes. He should send them to use the women’s restroom and wait right outside the door. Just as my mother did with my 5 year old brother when we were little kids.

          Absent a disability, I am a firm believer that a kid who is old enough to go to school is old enough to use the bathroom on their own.

          1. +1

             1. what about if Dad has to use the bathroom? He is supposed to leave the 5 year old outside by herself to wait? That doesn’t seem safe to me.

             2. I can’t speak to the Dads side of things. I’m just tired of boys in my changing room (boys who go to school, can read, aren’t 3). So are my daughters.

                Pretty sure guys don’t bring daughters to their changing rooms ever, ever, ever.

             3. Leaving a 5 year old alone for a couple of minutes is perfectly fine, assuming it’s a safe place to begin with (and if it’s not, why are you there with your kids?). My friends and I all played alone at 5. I can’t believe how much parents today helicopter their kids. And the world is objectively safer than it was in the 1980s.

             4. I’m much more worried about someone reporting me for leaving my 5 year old alone for a couple of minutes than I am worried about something actually happening to my 5 year old if he is left along for a couple of minutes. I wouldn’t helicopter at all but for the fear of someone calling CPS.

          2. Please realize that not all disabilities are visible from the outside. My seven year old looks like a normal kid, but has multiple disabilities that can impact his toileting ability. If he is in the midst of a Crohn’s flair, I am not going to send him into a men’s bathroom. If he has had a day where he has hit his max in terms of ASD, I am not going to send him into a men’s room.

             While there are certainly parents who are oblivious, many (most) are simply doing the best we can. And unless you know the full story, please don’t judge.

             1. +1 to the above.

                My son is 7 and looks a bit older. He will look around at the world no matter where he is, but unless you really watch him, you might not know his developmental issues. If there are no family changerooms, coming in with me is the only option if I am alone with him.

                And maybe it is my free-wheeling European background, but I always forget until some of these discussions just how fraught a subject nudity is in the US.

             2. These kids are the exact people for whom the family restroom is intended. The family restroom is there not just to make life easier for the disabled child and his family, but also to make things fair for the rest of us.

             3. In my area, the two pools closest to us have no family/individual locker rooms. Of the places we frequent, many don’t have family restrooms.

                I think it’d be pretty terrible to judge a parent like Betty, whose kid won’t necessarily appear to have a disability, for doing her best going about her day. Dealing with the disability is hard enough, we don’t need to make things more difficult by deciding to judge or even to say something negative to her.

                Also, there’s a wide range of normal in child development. That kid who looks like a 6 year old and might be able to read may actually be a preschooler who is late to potty train. The last thing a mother whose son is finally starting to use the potty needs is someone to speak sternly to her about her son in the women’s bathroom or locker room, provided there’s no other more appropriate space for the family.

          3. I think this is a bit unfair. Bathrooms at elementary schools are generally actually designed for small children. Public bathrooms are not … the locks are different, the sinks are far away, it can be hard to reach soap & paper towels. Plus, kids are only surrounded by other kids at school in the bathroom … not large crowds of strangers. Would I send my very independent 5 year old into the public restroom at Dodger stadium by herself? Absolutely not! She’d get trampled.

   13. The age cutoff at our swim club is 6, and I’m already nervous about my six year-old girl having to go into the changing room by herself next summer. She is definitely not developmentally ready, although I’m sure other kids her age are. She has ADHD, and will 100% go play in the changing room by herself for 30 minutes or more, ignoring any verbal instructions to leave, if I don’t get right in front of her and touch her head to get her to focus on me. There are no family changing rooms.

       She’s small, so next year we will probably just ignore the rule and hope that by the time she’s seven, she’s actually ready. But it’s a stressful situation.

       1. Is she in kindergarten yet? I have a 1st grader and she’s been changing in the locker room solo for at least a year now when she goes with Dad. If she dawdles, she misses swim class. She learned that lesson very quickly. I once asked her if she wanted to go into the locker room with Dad (I think age is our cutoff, my kid is 7 but this was a couple years ago) and she said “yuck, boys.”

          1. Yep, she is in K. The bathroom thing isn’t a problem in school because her K class has an attached bathroom, and also has a full-time aide. But we are going through the IEP process right now to handle the other ways that her ADHD is a challenge there.

             I totally believe that most 6 year-olds would do fine. Heck, my four year-old would probably do fine. But my older kid is distracted by absolutely everything, and just doesn’t hear us calling her most of the time. We have to physically touch her to get her attention. And we’ve learned the hard way that no amount of consequences/incentives will change that. Her behavioral health specialist told us point blank not to punish her for inattention, because it’s not really something she controls, and it will just increase her anxiety.

             Obviously, we use family bathrooms whenever they are available. But when they aren’t, sending her in alone is a problem.

   14. In my experience, there’s no issue if the children are well behaved. However, they sometimes are not. This past summer, I was at IKEA and used the women’s restroom. A mom had brought her two young boys (I don’t know how old, maybe 5, maybe 7? I’m no good at guessing a kid’s age) and these boys were running around, screaming, and then started crawling on the floor under the stalls and looking up as I was sitting on the toilet, going “HI!”. I was extremely disturbed by this – the children should not have been doing this (boy, girl, infant, toddler, kindergartner – none of them).

       1. That’s definitely a boy in the bathroom + badly behaved child horrible combo. The two really shouldn’t mix. That’s why I’ve never been shy about reprimanding a child in public when they’re doing off the wall cra*. If a 7 yr old poked his or her head under my stall I’d scream at them “get out” and if they didn’t move I’d shove their head, gently but firmly, out with my foot. No shame. If people let their children run loose, it’s up to the public being directly affected to show them what’s right and wrong. Albeit, I’m also in the south, where people aren’t as, I hate to use this word, but snowflakey about others reprimanding their child as those on the coasts.

   15. In a bathroom I don’t care. In a locker room at 7? No. I don’t want your son there. Use a family room.

       Also yes send your 7 year old to the bathroom alone.

   16. It doesn’t make me “mad” (to use your words) per se, but definitely uncomfortable to see a 7-year old boy in a women’s locker room. I would think that a boy could dress himself in the men’s room at that age.

   17. Yes, I am one of those people who is annoyed by seeing a 8-9 year old boys in a locker room. While I am not asking you to send your son into a men’s locker room by himself, I am asking you to find alternative arrangements. I do not consent to have boys who are already in middle childhood look at me while I am changing. In this case, it is on you to find arrangements. The women’s locker room has long been established as being for women and girls.

       1. +1. Your kid, your problem, sorry!

   18. I have a boy and a girl–2 years apart. We always just use the single “family bathroom” to change after swimming in the winter. In the summer, we just wrap up in towels and drive the few minutes home. It is getting complicated though because my kids are getting older and do not want to change in front of each other, but also do not want to go into the other locker rooms alone. If the pool isn’t busy then I will wait outside the family bathroom door while each child changes alone, but if it is busy and there are others waiting then I feel like we have to hurry up.

   19. I am firmly in team “you do you.” I don’t care if your 7 y/o boy comes into the ladies’ room. If he peeps under my stall, I’ll tell him to go away.

       That said, I’m a mom to 3 girls, 1, 4, and 7. My 7 y/o goes into public rest rooms alone all the time. DH doesn’t bring her into the men’s room, and half the time I send her in alone to pee because I’m wrangling the other two. If DH has all 3, he sends the 4 and 7 year old together.

       These are situations like Target, McDonalds, the grocery store, etc. If we’re talking like, Yankee Stadium, a highway rest area, or the state fair or some massive bathroom with multiple exits, then we don’t send the kids in alone. We MIGHT send the 7/o in alone, but generally prefer a family bathroom. If it were an urgent or somehow emergency situation (7 y/o throwing up, needing to change clothes for all 3 at once, for example), DH would just bring all 3 into the mens room and use the handicapped stall if no family restroom were available.

       For locker rooms, my 7 y/o changes herself. If DH has all 3, they use a family changing room but if he is with our oldest, they split up and meet on the other side of the locker rooms.

       I know we may be in the minority, but we’ve taught our kids how to behave and practiced. I remember being 6,7, and 8 and would have been mortified to go into the men’s room. My two older kids go to the bathroom completely independently at school, they are more than capable of going in and out without help. If for some reason my 4 y/o needs help (the only time she ever does is if she can’t reach the toilet paper or soap), my 7 y/o helps or comes out and reports that she needs help. I suppose I could live in fear that there is a child molester in every Target bathroom, but I choose not to live life that way.

       1. Calling out a different issue: handicapped stalls are not family stalls! This is a major issue for handicapped people who cannot get to a toilet in time because your kids are peeing one at a time!

          Yoir kids your problem indeed. There are many stalls to one or two handicapped. Put them in neighboring or have them wait outside your stall.

          83 year olds with mobility issues can’t wait for you to wrangle your kids. This is a basic rights issue too.

          Moms failing this one too!!

3. I can’t brag about this to many people in my personal life, so I wanted to share this here: I just got promoted, and it came with a 30% raise!! I’m over the friggin moon.

   1. Thats awesome! Congratulations!

   2. Huge congrats!

   3. Congrats!! To join in the fun, I went from unemployed to a new job at the same time that my husband got a raise. Hello, 86% increase in household income.

   4. Congratulations!!
      To brag – I also got recruited by a direct competitor with a promotion and a pretty huge salary bump! I am SO proud of myself for A)negotiating HARD and B)never sharing my current salary at any point (thanks Ask a Manager!!).

4. Looking for advice. I’m starting to realize that I can’t count on anyone or anything else to bring me satisfaction in life. I feel like jobs, significant others, friends, family, etc. bring satisfaction but they also bring disappointment and frustration. I have those days where I feel like things aren’t going well at work, or my significant other seems distant, or friends seem like they have left me behind. I feel like I need something that is all mine to fall back on when I feel this way. In the past this has been running for me. When I had a bad day at work, I could always think to myself “well, I’m training for a race and that’s cool and I’m proud of that” and that would make me feel a little better. Training for races isn’t doing it for me anymore so I’m looking for something else to fill this void. Does anyone else struggle with this? Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this? I’ve thought about writing a legal article that can be my own project, starting a blog that would be my own creation of whatever I want it to be, or trying to master some new hobby that I could share with others. I’m just having a hard time figuring out specifically what to do. I’d love to hear if other people feel this way and how they’ve addressed it.

   1. Try a new activity! Indoor rock climbing? Painting? Ice skating lessons? Learning a new language?

      It’s normal to need something for yourself that’s not related to friends or family.

   2. What about a pet? I rescued a dog and honestly she’s the only thing lately that brings me joy. She’s always happy to see me and offers great companionship. It is a lot of responsibility though, and expense. So if you’re not willing to take proper care of a pet, then please don’t get one. I probably spend at least $100 a month on her for food, heart worm prevention, grooming, etc. And when I have to travel or if she’s sick, it’s significantly more. But so, so worth it.

      1. Agree, my cats bring fulfillment in ways my career, husband, and family can’t. They love me unconditionally and never disappoint me.

         1. I think some of this is because we have low expectations for pets. When my husband forgets to take out the garbage it’s because he doesn’t care about me. When my dog poops on the rug it’s because he’s sick. I would probably be happier if I were more forgiving to humans.

            1. That’s a good point.

               But also, animals are the best.

   3. Ultimately, no void is really fill-able. We can spend our whole lives trying! Try meditation when distraction isn’t working.

   4. This may be more of a philosophical answer than you’re looking for, but what you’re describing is simply the nature of existence, and I think you’ll find the greatest peace in just accepting it and not trying to fix, control, or even distract yourself from it. I used to feel the same way as you and then due to a family crisis I was searching for spiritual guidance and began reading up on Buddhist philosophy. What you describe is actually at the heart of Buddhist teaching – everything is inherently dissatisfying, even highly pleasurable things – and it’s not our fault. Anyway, it changed how I saw things at a profound level so I thought I’d mention it. I began with a book by Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart.

      1. Agree, that’s the whole point – there is something greater beyond this world and ourselves and nothing of this world will every completely satisfy. Accept this world as it is, try to focus on others and how you can help them…ask yourself how you can serve others. That service will bring you satisfaction.

   5. I have felt this way, and I have probably done a crummy job of figuring out how to address it. I guess I’d caution you to not turn this project into another “job,” if that makes sense. Something that gives you pleasure, simply for pleasure’s sake, sounds like a better way to channel this angst than starting a blog or something that requires work-adjacent skills.

      I notice that I feel this void a lot less when I’m reading good fiction books. Something about being in another character’s place for awhile takes me out of my own frustrations.

   6. You might consider volunteer work for a non-profit whose mission you support. I volunteer at our local animal shelter as a cat socializer and it is very rewarding.

5. I need some perspective on a dating issue.

   When I’m first dating a guy, I like to feel some distance/space, which you might even call ambivalence. When someone comes on too strong and smitten in the first few dates, it really turns me off and makes me want to break things off, even if things seemed promising initially. I don’t fully understand why it annoys me so much, but I think I want to decide first that yes, this is something/someone I really want before they start the full court press. When a guy is much more into me than I am into him, it kills my incipient feelings.

   My last relationship started out perfectly in this respect…but the problem was that his ambivalence continued even after we were in a committed relationship, which obviously was not good and made me unhappy. So I broke up with him and am starting over.

   Now I’m dating again and met a guy who seems great in a lot of ways and who is obviously super into me. But again I’m getting annoyed at his behavior, which is not that weird and clingy, objectively speaking. But, like, he texts me back instantly every time. Immediately after one date he wants to know when he can see me next. I feel like in a way I should consider these good things–he’s considerate and obviously interested and not playing games. And he’s not going crazily over the top. But it is annoying me. I want some space. I feel a little pressured for the relationship to move faster than I want. When I see a text from him, my instinctive response is “back off,” and I delay writing back because I don’t want to get the next inevitable text, which I will then have to respond to. Yet I do have a good time when we go out, and he’s thoughtful and treats me well.

   I don’t know what to do: Try to adjust my attitude (how?)? Ignore my feelings? Seek therapy because I’m rejecting decent men who are demonstrating that they’re emotionally available and like me? Say something to him? I did tell him I move slowly but I didn’t say “can you wait an hour before responding to my texts?”

   1. I don’t think you need to do anything other than just continue the relationship at the pace you are comfortable with. Just because he texts you back right away, doesn’t mean you need to respond. Text him back when you are ready. Or just because he wants to book another date right away, you can take your time – ‘Let’s plan something this weekend, I’ll text you tomorrow’ is a perfectly acceptable response if he asks when he can see you again. You don’t have to answer in the moment.

      1. Thanks. I think part of what gets me annoyed is that I kind of give in and do the things (agree to see him sooner, feel obliged to text him back)…good to remember I don’t have to do it just because it’s what he wants.

      2. +1 you can be as slow as you want
         You dont even need to read the texts right away! You can see who it’s from and set it aside and open it during your lunch break, or whenever.
         It’s ok to underreact (think I learnt this from Gretchen Rubin) to situations a little. I often do.

   2. I used to feel this way until I realized that my “ick” reaction was really my instinct saying “he’s not the one for you.” When my now husband did this, I was charmed, excited, and I never wanted to stop talking to him. Listen to yourself. Listen to your instincts. It is hard to find the right person – you don’t need a general rule to apply to your dating life, you need to listen to how you respond to each person individually. If you aren’t into it, you aren’t. That’s okay, move on. Don’t try to force a relationship with made up rules.

      1. Yeah, I did have one relationship where this wasn’t an issue at all–he was really into me and I was actually super into it (though it didn’t last). So maybe it is a sign about this particular relationship and not necessarily me having a global problem…

   3. Google “avoidant attachment” theory. This looks like textbook avoidant behaviors to me. You seem to only be able to overcome them “at your own pace” but this may be alienating to other people and is a front for having true openness and emotional availability at the start of the relationship, not just on your timeline.

      1. Googled. Some things (like having childhood trauma) are accurate, but I really like having close relationships, actually! But I can’t rush it. And don’t know what to do to change it, if I really am the one with the problem in this situation.

         1. Check out ‘Disorganized Attachment’. I’m like this, too. I love having close relationships, but if it feels too ‘easy’ or intense it feels repellant. Distance at the beginning is less scary, but then when I’m ready for closeness they’re still aloof, which drives me crazy. I was able to navigate it with my husband because we communicated pretty openly about our needs and feelings from the beginning, and we each made a point to respect each others boundaries, which built up trust.

            1. I haven’t googled that yet but what you are mentioning here seems pretty true to me.

            2. Yup, it’s the result of trauma or instability growing up (not knowing if your needs will be met or not), and it’s definitely surmountable with the right partner and therapy. It’s called “earned secure attachment.”
               At this point, I can tell my husband, “I WANT to want to be close to you, but I’m feeling kind of distant right now” and he takes that as a cue to leave me alone and go play video games for a bit (win/win!). Generally as soon as he’s not focused on me anymore, the feeling of distance goes away, paradoxically. Takes some navigating and, again, the right partner.

      2. It might be avoidant, or it might be slow emotional processing. I don’t like people coming on too strong at first because they’re very naturally looking for validation of their feelings, which I’m just not sure yet if I reciprocate to the same extent. Neither is right or wrong, just something to communicate and navigate.

         1. yes, I definitely identify with your second sentence here!

   4. I’m in the exact opposite boat, so I’m so curious to hear responses! I love meeting someone and being smitten right away. This doesn’t always lead to a serious relationship, but I find that early stage to be so much fun. I’m currently seeing someone who seems to be more like you, wants to take things more slowly, and I’m having a hard time with it. As the person on the other end of that, I would probably appreciate an honest “I prefer to move more slowly in the beginning, doesn’t mean I’m not into you” conversation, but I’m not sure if everyone would feel the same way.

   5. I feel this way too sometimes, and think it’s a combo of things.

      Too much early enthusiasm comes off as insincere, or as if you’re trying to slot me into a role. You don’t know that much about me—you might be excited for sure, but you really don’t know me that well enough for me to believe you’re so excited about *me.* I’m skeptical.

      Second, texting can just be really invasive and demanding sometimes. I *hate* when I get an instantaneous reply sometimes to something that’s not urgent. Like, okay, now you expect me to drop what I’m doing and converse with you. Happened to me last night-I let a text sit for 4 hours because I was busy and then responded when I finally had a minute before bed and got an instant text back and he wanted to do witty banter. There’s nothing wrong with this per se, it was just 100% not what I wanted to deal with at the time. You have to be at least sort of “on,” and devote attention and emotional energy to it, when you might just want to be sleeping or doing something else. People have no boundaries with texting anymore—people fully expect you to have your phone on you all the time and don’t think it’s rude or abnormal to text at 11:00 pm and expect to be able to start a conversation with you. It’s not just men– I have girlfriends who are like this.

      Everyone has a different level of patience for texting and it means different things to different people. I recently had a new guy who was really enthusiastic about me text me multiple times a day, wanting to be in constant contact, sending me random updates like “off to see a movie!” “how was getting your oil changed”? After 2 dates. Please stop. We’re not that close. I don’t want to think about you all the time. We’re not intimate. I don’t know your last name.

      “I feel a little pressured for the relationship to move faster than I want.”

      This is the real issue. It’s never going to feel good if you feel like you’re going faster than you want.
      Just realized I don’t have any advice for you, but I can commiserate. Sorry.

      1. Yep, this is me! Even if not advice, good to know I’m not alone.

         And I too can get annoyed about the demandingness of texting from friends as well.

      2. Also, lol at “how was getting your oil changed?”

         I feel you here!!! That would be the end for me!

      3. I totally agree with this. Nothing turns me off more than a good that texts me a good morning text – especially since they are often from guys I haven’t even meet in person yet. Like, just cause we matched on the app doesn’t make me your new best friend and I really don’t need to text you every day when I know next to nothing about you!

         1. 100% agree, and yet I have friends who are so into the good morning text from these virtual strangers.

   6. How about just telling him, “Hey, I like you and I want to keep seeing you, I just want to be clear that I want to go slow.” I felt this way with my now husband – it wasn’t crazy over the top passion as soon as I met him, but I really liked him and wanted to keep seeing him. His response was “Great! I really like you too and I’m happy to go slow.” The funny thing is, his response put me so at ease that I suddenly felt really hot for him. We’re now six years married with two kids. Just communicate with him!

      1. That is a really good and non-pressure-y response on his part…that’s a really funny story and I can see something similar happening for me in the right situation. Thanks for sharing. :)

   7. Yeah, if I were that guy, your behavior would give me huge self-doubt. I would try to find a way to address it. I’d do it around the third or fourth week, maybe saying “hey, I’ve noticed that my level of responsiveness might come across as if I’m not really interested in you. I just wanted to make sure you know that I enjoy our time together and I am excited to see where this relationship is headed. I might move a bit slower than you, but I am not playing with you.”

   8. Is the texting a symptom of a larger problem or is that the only issue? I’ve had to have a “texting conversation” with both new dates and new friends. I’m just not a big texter – I treat it like a voicemail I don’t have to listen to, not like a messenger service. I will get to it when I get to it. If a new person seems to expect an immediate response, I’ll proactively let them know that that’s just not how I am. That way I don’t feel like their feelings are going to be hurt if I don’t respond quickly enough.

      1. The texting is the most annoying thing, but I wouldn’t say the only thing. I do hate how it always pops back up…

   9. I am like this, too, so don’t feel too weird. Or feel weird, but know that you’re not the only weirdo out there.

      anon at 9:46 am said a lot of what I would say about the invasiveness of text messaging. Get off my lawn, kids. I’ve noticed that people who get less annoyed by frequent texting than I do are also people who are generally bad about responding to texts. So I would probably start by responding on your own schedule and terms, if you can.

      I see these as boundary issues: you can’t tell him not to respond to you right away, because that’s micromanaging his behavior, but you can also trust him to manage his own feelings and try not to feel bad or wrong that he seems more into you than you are into him.

      1. OH! And also silence alerts from people like this. It makes it easier to respond to them when you want to and not feel overwhelmed by their “Hi hi how are you doing what are you doing right now what about now also do you like me??????”

      2. Thanks, fellow weirdo. I will try to feel less bad about responding on my own timeline and see how that feels.

      3. Your last sentence is such good advice, for a lot of situations!

   10. This entire thread, all I’m thinking is, “you guys sure are assuming a lot of other people’s feelings and expectations.” Just because someone sends you a text doesn’t mean they expect you to respond right away. Texts are meant to be seen and answered later, otherwise they would have just called you. Just because someone asks for another date soon after the first one doesn’t mean they’re desperate or clingy, they are probably just straight forward about their intentions.

       The major trend of the above posters is one major flaw: COMMUNICATE. Let the person know “I’m busy this week but let’s touch base in a few days.” “I’m a bad texter so don’t expect me to respond too soon.” “Hey, I really like you, but generally move slow.”

       1. +1,000,000

   11. Being annoyed at clingy behavior is normal. Being annoyed at what you know (as admitted above by OP) is normal behavior of a guy showing interest calls for therapy. Unless you meet a guy who is similarly a slow mover and emotionally detached you’re going to have a he** of a time finding love. Then you’ll come back to the board to complain about guys stringing you along and not being able to commit. Um, you spurned the guys who are up front about their feelings, that’s all that’s left. After years of dating noncommittal guys, it was refreshing to finally find one who was very straight about his interest. You guys with the attachment issue will be the “women who say they want a relationship then are cold, string along” version of these guys’ stories.

   12. I am very similar and honestly, I just communicate. I recently told a guy that I was a bit overwhelmed by everything, I needed more time to see if my feelings would catch up to his but I wanted to see how things would go.

       He seemed to understand and backed off which I found to be helpful.

       So yes, you’re normal. I get like this too. My therapist always says people develop feelings at different paces so don’t beat yourself up for not being there yet. Just take the time you need.

   13. “Seek therapy because I’m rejecting decent men who are demonstrating that they’re emotionally available and like me?”

       This is 100% the reason why I’m in therapy right now. I had a string of “relationships” with emotionally unavailable men and I was so unhappy and miserable. I’m seeing somebody right now is decidedly NOT emotionally unavailable and it’s awesome. I did have to remind myself that this is actually what I want during those early weeks when I normally would have been put off by his demonstrated interest in me.

       1. Is there anything that you can share about what you learned that helped you change?

          1. Honestly the most helpful thing was just having somebody point out my patterns to me. (I started seeing my therapist for a different reason, but this is now the main thing that we’re working on.) Having somebody point out to me the behaviors I repeat over and over again, having somebody point out to me that it doesn’t have to be that way, and having somebody hold me accountable for not repeating those behaviors has been really valuable for me. I am definitely still a work in progress.

          2. Oh, and we have addressed kind of the “why” behind this and how the family dynamics I grew up with contribute to different patterns. That’s also been helpful for me to realize that it’s not, like, some personal failing on my part.

   14. I’m totally like this as well. My friends joke a lot about the fact that the best way to send me running is to send me a “good morning” text. For me, the instant constant communication and attachment feels shallow, like he’s not thinking about -me- but about liking his idea of me. Also, I’ve noticed that when I’m actually into someone, this stuff doesn’t bother me so much.

       I was thinking this weekend about this idea: “Seek therapy because I’m rejecting decent men who are demonstrating that they’re emotionally available and like me?”

       We don’t have any obligation to be into a guy just because he’s emotionally available and into us. I’ve decided there’s nothing actually wrong with me wanting to form a slower emotional attachment or not wanting to be with someone I don’t click with. It would be different if I couldn’t ever form those attachments, but I can (I think you said earlier that you can as well). For me, I think my anxiety was related to the idea that the men get to pick US and that we should like a guy or go along with it just because he likes us (and maybe to protect his feelings).

       1. You are singing my song…

       2. Interestingly these guys might have gotten flak for being less attentive!

          Also many people are very responsive to all texts from anyone.

          An idea: you can always reply and schedule it for delivery later. Off your head to do it AND relieves immediate response tension.

          Most likely the guy is doing what other women or guys trained him to do in situations or he is just chuffed to hear from you.

          Communicate and enjoy.

6. Have we had a Sephora sale thread yet? What is everyone picking up? Any stand out gift options this year?

   1. When does this sale start?? I have my eyes on the Sunday Riley vitamin C thing (yes, I know they got busted for false reviews, but the sample I got really made a difference in my skin) and also Caudalie’s-serum-thirst-quench-something-or-other. Also Nest’s Cocoa Woods (I think that’s the name) perfume, in rollerball format.

      1. The Rouge sale is happening this weekend and next.

7. Anyone else struggling with the events of the weekend?

   1. Yep. I’m ethnically Jewish (though not religious and not a member of a temple) so it feels more personal than most of the horrific events of the last two years.

      1. Same. DH and I are both ethnic but not religious jews (we call it “little j”). We were just on vacation in Amsterdam and spent a lot of time in the Holocaust museum, historic synagogue, Jewish museum, Anne Frank house, etc and it really feels surreal. Overwhelming almost.

   2. Yes. Hugs all around.

   3. Yes. I just donated as much as I can right now to HIAS.

      1. Thank you for that suggestion. I just paid HIAS back for the “loan” they made to my grandparents when they disembarked from steerage.

         1. LOVE this. Going to do the same!!!

         2. This is beautiful. Thank you.

   4. Yes. I feel anxious and don’t know how to process. Some of my family are Jewish in Pittsburg, and I’m a WOC and just feel like both sides of my family are unsafe in America. It makes me seriously consider moving abroad.

   5. Yes, I was listening to the news on the way to work this morning and started crying. I’m Jewish, and I’m sure that’s part of it, but it’s the combination of this and the pipe bombs – I feel like we’re on the brink of something really really terrible. It’s probably better that I’m here at work rather than just holed up at home by myself, but I feel overwhelmed.

      1. Add to those things the Proud Boys beating people on the streets of NY without police intervention and it feels an awful lot like Weimar Germany up in this joint. They’re like the Schutzstaffel with sh*ttier tailoring.

   6. Yes. Others are hurting much more, but I can’t get certain things out of my head. Some are more nightmarish; here’s one that’s less so. Some fifteen years ago, I remember discussing with college friends where our lives were taking us. One of the takeaways for me was that my friends who weren’t both white and Christian felt more welcome and comfortable in the US than in many parts of Europe that they would otherwise enjoy.

      1. I posted this before I was finished, but I guess it’s clear where it was going–just that it feels like the US is losing some of the few advantages we once thought it had when it came to politically organized white supremacist rallies, antisemitic terrorism, and attitudes towards refugees, immigrants, and racial minorities.

   7. I could not sleep Saturday night. I have in-laws that voted for this administration and I am trying to figure out a way to communicate to them that their grandchild is in increased danger at religious school because of their decisions. I acknowledge that might be an overreaction, but it’s how I feel right now.

      1. It’s not really an overreaction. Perhaps they have changed how they feel. But in any event, your communication with them, conveying your fear, should help them see things differently.

   8. yup. one of the victims managed to survive the Holocaust, yet was killed in the U.S. for being Jewish. the state of the world scares me

      1. This is actually not true. It doesn’t make her murder any less horrific, but it’s not accurate that she survived the Holocaust.
         https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/pittsburgh-synagogue-shooting-holocaust-survivor/

   9. Yes. The shooting was at one of my best friend’s family’s synagogue. So horrific.

   10. Yes, I am really shaken. The mail bombs put me on edge (I work in NYC, near CNN HQ, and received an auto-text to shelter in place). The attempted church/effective Kroger’s shooting was horrible — took me back to the racist church shooting from a few years ago. And then the synagogue shooting: I am Jewish, and I have a toddler son (a bris was supposed to be held at the targeted synagogue that morning), and I feel almost like I should have been there, should have been among the victims — I feel some guilt (I took my son to a Halloween party when we could have gone to Shabbat services), some immediate fear (the Halloween party was in a big, public space near the WTC grounds, and it seemed like an unnecessary risk to attend in a time of escalating violence), and a lot of sorrow and long-term fear about where our country is headed. Not only because of the shooting itself, but because of how the right is reacting, from the top on down. It feels like our whole nation is falling part, and the people in power are working solely to accrete more power as a result.

       I think I will make donations to the church, synagogue and HIAS today, and will take my family to Shabbat services next weekend; one point that has been weighing on me is that the victims were all middle aged or elderly — in part a commentary on who makes time to attend synagogue in this era, and where the Jewish faith may be headed in coming generations.

   11. I’m having a difficult time with it. I am from the Pittsburgh area and found out this morning that my grad school fellowship supervisor narrowly escaped (they were late arriving) and it has shaken me. I just can’t get my head wrapped around the hate and people acting on that hate in places that are sacred. My family in western PA are similarly shaken.

   12. In Pittsburgh. We are all numb here. And please, the finger-pointing and blame-gaming doesn’t help anyone. Nobody told that horrible person to go shoot up a synagogue. All that hate was in his own heart, not because of anyone else. He is the only one to blame. Not anyone anybody voted for, not anybody’s political leanings. Just the shooter. Only the shooter. When you preach stop the hate and then point fingers at everyone else blaming them for what happened, you only perpetuate the hate game.

       My co-worker just told me that she went to school with the shooter. She didn’t know him well in school (he was a couple years ahead of her and from her recollection was very quiet and stayed to himself,) but few things can give a person a more sick feeling than turning on the news and realizing you know the person who did something so horrific, so hateful.

       Pittsburgh is resilient, so I have no doubt we’ll recover from this in time. The scars, though…. Those are what last. And in a neighborhood of such kind and friendly people who were just living their lives and practicing their faith. That’s what hurts. That’s what makes this so hard for us to swallow.

       1. I am so sorry for your loss. But I think you’re drawing a false equivalence by critiquing those who are pointing out the obvious political nature of this event. When we have a Republican president who calls neo-nazis in Charlottesville (who say things like “Jews will not replace us”) “very fine people,” it’s not perpetuating the hate to say that Republicans must stop tolerating the hate in their own ranks. I agree that antisemitism should not be a partisan issue – but neither can racism, or sexism, and yet it is.

       2. We keep saying that one side needs to turn down the rhetoric as if they don’t know what they are doing . But if you have watched one of those dreadful Trump rallies they intentionally light up the crowd and incite violence. We all need to tone down the rhetoric starting with mid terms, electing moderates from both parties and start reestabling a stable government. Or we will all lose the civil society we grew up in.

   13. Yes my son lives on Southside of Pittsburgh just a few minutes from the peaceful Squirrel Hill neighborhood- his employer called him on Sat morning to make sure all are safe. What you hear about Pittsburgh and the community is very true – strong community and family values go along with the history of diverse immigration to the area… I am praying for the families of victims.

   14. I am Jewish and very shaken. This country was a place of refuge for Jews. How can we feel safe here now? How do we make our kids feel safe? The hate expressed by the Pittsburgh shooter, the Louisville shooter and the sender of the mail bombs – the hate is not new, but now it it is being supported and encouraged at the top, at campaign rallies, in tweets. The violence is not the fault of the media. At a community interfaith event in my midwest city yesterday, the U.S. senator attending said the situation was awful, but would not say a word about gun violence, or hate speech from his party. Fortunately, others did, and got ovations. If you care about your family, your children, your friends, please do all you can to refute the demonization of anyone who does not look or worship like you.

       1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I feel the same way.

   15. I was trying hard not to think about it this weekend, to be upbeat and fun because I’m a mom and that’s what we do. But this morning I can’t avoid thinking… like 2 weeks ago I took Kiddo to family services the first time, and yeah, TBH, I vaguely considered “what if this is one that gets shot up?” but I convinced myself that was anxiety, not rational… I want to just like, show up to the synagogue around the corner from my house tonight and be there, but I don’t think they’re doing anything…

       I’ve been working my way through this, and so far it makes a lot of sense https://www.politicalresearch.org/2017/06/29/skin-in-the-game-how-antisemitism-animates-white-nationalism/

8. Is there a way to search the comments? Someone had mentioned a candle or spray that smelled like the Anthropologie store.

   1. Google site:corporette.com [search term]

   2. Capri Blue is the brand and Volcano is the scent, I think

      1. It may have been me who posted that– I definitely use Capri Blue Volcano candles and sprays because they smell like Anthropologie.

   3. Thanks to all!

9. My company has several office buildings within walking distance of each other in the Northeast. Any recommendations for good shoes to change into to walk between buildings once it starts getting snowy and icy? I normally wear low-heeled leather pumps that I don’t want to ruin (or have a slip and fall). Looking for something slip-on and relatively unobtrusive. For big meetings, I might bring the pumps to change into, but thinking I might just keep the walking shoes on otherwise. So things like Bean Boots are out because they’re a bit too obvious. Ditto my favorite Sorel snow boots because they take time to lace up. TIA!

   1. Sorel has a few chelsea boots that are cute and suitable for this.

   2. Swear I’m not a shill for Blondo, but they have a ton of waterproof cute booties with rubber soles. I wear them all the time in the winter in MN.

      1. Was just going to say the same. One of the few options were indoor and outdoor needs are equally met. Not too clunky, comfy, waterproof, etc.

      2. Ditto. I have some great waterproof boots from them that were perfect for the exact kind of situation you describe (mine was walking between buildings on a college campus in the midwest).

   3. Honestly I bought a pair of cheap target boots last winter and I love them! I used them while walking in the snow in NYC and they are only $50.

10. Is anyone else making a NaNoWriMo attempt this year? I’d love to hear about what you’re planning, or any tips from previous attempts!

    That’s National Novel Writing Month, where you write 50,000 words in November, if you haven’t heard of it or might be inspired to give it a shot! https://nanowrimo.org/

    I tried once in college, but didn’t outline my writing and got to only about 20,000 words before I got a little lost with the plot and ultimately never finished. I’ve had the idea floating around for a humorous travelogue a la Bill Bryson, and I’m going to take a run at it. I put down 1,200 words quickly the other day outlining. I don’t journal or keep much of a diary of my travels otherwise, so if all it ends up being is something my kids can enjoy some day, it’ll be worth the attempt.

    1. I’m doing AcWriMo. Determined to get a journal article drafted in November and submitted before Christmas.

       1. Fantastic, good luck!

       2. I might join you…

    2. Funny you mention this, I was tossing around giving Nanowrimo a try this month. I’ve always meant to do it and am feeling a little uninspired by life. I’m not sure if I can fit it into life. I’d love to hear more about what you are thinking of and how to balance everything!

       1. My intentions are similar to yours, I’m doing it for me, as an outlet for my experiences and creativity, and I’m not aiming for publishing or perfection. I’m not committing to every day, nor am I going to be bereft if I don’t hit 50K words.

          I will aim for the following: I wake up early with a fairly active (although often unfocused) mind, so I think I can give 60 mins to it in the morning while I drink coffee, which will just be ‘hammer something very unpolished out’ time. Then, another hour in the evening, before dinner, to expand on what I was writing earlier and do some light revision just to straighten out plot points. I’m concentrating only on plot and flow, and leaving all word and turn of phrase beautification to after the month is over.

          I used to write a fairly significant amount of short creative non-fiction (sub-5,000 words or so), so writing is not new to me. What will happen in reality, is that once or twice a week, I will go into the “zone” – really hone in during the evening and blow through 4-5 hours of hard writing, go to bed late, revise tomorrow.

          I have an intro + 11 chapters outlined in enough detail that I think I can jumpstart from most any point, and I plan to add one more chapter to the end, I’m just unclear if it’s an afterward or more of a true conclusion, but I’ll write it last. It breaks down to 1,667 words per day, but I’m preferring to think it as ~2.5-3 days per chapter.

          For me, a big source of inspiration is that I really regret not putting time into writing over the past several years. In doing some genealogical work, I’ve felt fortunate to find some letters and writings from several ancestors, and want to put something out into the universe that might outlive me that isn’t a text message or tweet, even if it’s only ever read by a few people.

          1. In case you check back, THANK YOU!

             You articulated a lot of my thoughts about Nano and why I wanted to write, while also not phrasing it as 50,000 or bust, which was holding me back. I’m much more inspired to give it an actual go…and if nothing else, you got me to pull out my journal after years away.

11. So, this is a random dating question. When I match with someone on a dating app, they often ask to exchange numbers very early. I decline, say that I don’t give my number out until I meet someone in person, and often offer to get drinks/similar on [day]. Most guys take that fine, but I’ve had a few respond very negatively – almost as if I owe them my number. I normally just write them off, but one of the responses this weekend made me wonder. Do other women give out their phone number before meeting in person?

    1. No. If it doesn’t go well in person, I don’t want to deal with changing my number/blocking him if he does not accept that.

    2. I don’t think you “owe” anyone your phone number, but I do think it’s kind of odd to not give it out until you’ve met in person.

       1. But why is that odd? With my first name and phone number, you can easy identify who I am on google. I assume that is true for most people.

          1. Maybe a landline, but you generally can’t identify people with a cell phone number.

             1. Many dating apps allow you to log into the app through FB (some require it, or at least did at one point). You can find most people on FB with their first name and phone number. I’ve done this many, many times to learn more about men I’m meeting for the first time.

             2. Have you tried? I can just google my first name and phone number, and I come up. Plus, now there are those services were you can spend $3 and got tons of information about a person including their address. I will admit it is very unlikely to become a problem, but why risk it – I know from personal experience that there are a ton of weird guys on dating apps with no boundaries.

    3. I sometimes do and sometimes don’t. I prefer not to, because it minimizes the overtexting problem discussed above. I don’t really want a guy to start a relationship with my phone before we’ve met (and sometimes they do!). But I also sometimes just give them the number to avoid pushback about why I won’t give them my number.

    4. That had been my approach as well and it seemed to work fine. My friend did make a point that you can block numbers if you need to so I’ve reconsidered it but still prefer to meet in person first.

    5. If you meet in person and he’s a creeper, it’s best for him not to have your number so he has no real way to stalk you or gather more information about you.

       In general, I don’t provide any real identifying information, including last name, employer, name of family members, etc. until date two or three just in case he’s crazy. You can’t be too careful. It’s not hard to avoid either, that sort of stuff usually comes organically. If he’s asking for too much biographical information and exact names and dates of stuff, that’s a red flag.

    6. My rule? If there’s any negative anything before I’ve met the guy? Bye boi. No, just no. Keep up your rule.

    7. If I’m meeting up with someone I will give them my number beforehand because it makes it much easier to communicate than using the app (so you can text if you need directions or you’re running 5 minutes late or whatever). Blocking a number on iphone is super easy so I just do that if it doesn’t work out.

       1. +1 This is also the point I give mine out (and when I think guys generally ask) – when we have actual plans to meet. Sometimes that’s after a few days of casual communication, sometimes that’s within an hour or two. I don’t want to give my number to someone that’s just going to briefly be a lousy pen pal.

       2. +1 this is what I always did. Blocking is also very easy on android. I’m also not really concerned with people googling me to find out who I am. You don’t need my number to find me on google anyway. City, name, and occupation (all of which were always on my dating profiles) would be sufficient.

    8. I don’t want to date someone who’s going to push my boundaries. If he won’t respect your boundaries about something small, then he won’t respect them about something big.

       I don’t think it matters whether it’s “normal” to give out your phone number early on or not. You’ve said you’re not comfortable. That should be enough. A guy who’s going to push that isn’t a guy you want to date.

    9. They shouldn’t push for anything you’re not comfortable with. The only thing that makes me sympathetic to their side is that if I’m going to go out of my way to meet someone somewhere, I’d probably want a solid contact method; if they’re not checking the app, I might want to call them to say where I am in the bar/restaurant, for instance. If someone wasn’t willing to give me that easy contact ability I might feel the tiniest bit resentful that I’m going out of my way for them and may not be able to reach them.

    10. I’m generally the same – no number until I’ve met them in person, but I make some exceptions if I’ve been talking to the guy for a while through the app (in particular because I’m bad at checking my in-app messages). If a guy is acting like you owe him your number, that’s a big fat NOPE and unmatch from me. Even worse is guys who want you to accept their social media friend request before you’ve even met, and get in a huff when you say no (this is a lot more rare but has happened to me twice).

        You get to decide what you’re comfortable with for online dating.

    11. I could have typed this today – last week, on a Monday morning, I matched with someone who seemed fun. After maybe an hour of fairly intense back and forth, he asked if I wanted to get coffee, right then and there; his schedule is irregular, he works later on Mondays. Ok, that’s cool, but I’m at work. Maybe coffee later this week, I propose. He asks for my number. Ugh, I don’t want to give it out, answer another question he asked, ignore the number request. A few minutes later he asks for my number again. I go against my better judgement and send it, get no reply, and he goes dark until until I get a text mid-Thursday. I ignore it, now I’ve decided I don’t like my gut feeling. I got two more texts Sunday, and a seperate text from a different number that couldn’t have been anyone but him. I can easily block these but what the heck is this behavior?

        1. Can I say that I don’t understand what is concerning about his behavior, from this description? He asked for your number, you gave it to him, and he contacted you a few days later as you had suggested. I get not really having wanted to give him your number, but, it doesn’t seem like he was clearly disrespectful. And unless he knew you were at work Monday morning, his request to meet up after an hour of banter doesn’t seem that strange. If you’ve decided you don’t want to meet him, seems like you could have replied to him and said that. From his perspective it seems like “I had a great time chatting with a girl, she suggested later that week, I followed up a few days later, and she’s not replied at all – I don’t know what happened.”

           1. I don’t know, except I’m not new to the Bumble/app-based dating game, and haven’t had my radar go off like this in years. Yours is a wholly fair criticism. Hard to quantify, but something in the conversation felt wrong. It’s highly possible I have listened to Dirty John too recently.

              1. In that case, totally follow your gut! I’ve had some weird things with dating, too, where when I tried to describe it to someone else it seemed reasonable but something totally seemed “off”.

    12. I give out my phone number when it feels comfortable to do so. That’s my timeline, not their timeline.

    13. If someone has a “very negative” reaction to something like this, sounds like they are a controlling person. I’d say this is a good screening tactic.

12. I’m probably overthinking– but my mom is going to loan us some money to help with a down payment, with the deal that she’d get it back whenever we sell the home plus whatever appreciation that portion of the home gains during that time. It is genuinely not a gift at all, but I’m worried that because it’s over $14k, the IRS will inquire and I don’t want her stuck paying gift tax. All we need to do is write up a simple contract and sign it now, so we’ve documented it’s a loan, right? Then if she gets audited or gets an adjustment letter from the IRS, she has proof it wasn’t a gift. TIA.

    1. This isn’t tax advice, but more of a common sense advice/proof of loan. Make sure you have a promissory note that you both sign with an interest rate AND a maturity date. It’s not a loan if you never sell the house, and the IRS may not see it as such. And tbh you come out ahead in case your house appreciates substantially. Do you really want to give away 20% of the appreciate on your house or however much % the down payment is? If you’re in a hot market you will very much regret the terms you proposed, especially when you’re giving away equity towards a new home (and she’ll get advantage of any improvements and renovations on the home that she didn’t put money into). Just do a modest percentage (3-5%) and pay monthly or yearly and call it a day. The deal you’re striking now could be considered buying equity into the property, which as a lender would make me especially concerned.

       1. +1. You need to do a promissory note with at least the federal AFR (you can look up easily) for the applicable time period of the loan. Short-term is under 3 years, etc.

          Then make regular payments on the loan.

    2. Yes, put it in writing.

       Consider (and address in the document) what happens if you or your mother dies during the payback period. The IRS doesn’t really monitor stuff like this but it’s easy to put in writing and prevent any issues if something were to arise.

       Keep in mind that loans that wouldn’t be made in the free market are considered partial gifts–to simplify, a zero interest loan means a gift is being made of the interest amount. So, if your loan wouldn’t be made in the free market you have two options: ignore it and deal with it if/when an audit happens; follow the rules and “pay gift tax.” Unless your mother/parents are extremely wealthy (>$22m) and have already made significant lifetime gifts (exceeding $11.18m for a single person or $22.36m for a couple), no tax will actually be owed, they would just need to pay a tax professional (good CPA or an estate planning attorney) to prepare and file a gift tax return.

    3. Are you sure you want to take this “loan”? Family financing is rampant in my family and really only goes well when there are arms length terms and conditions.

    4. If it’s you and your husband, your mom can write a 15K check (2018 limit) to you and same to your husband, so 30K under gift threshold. You can deposit into joint account. If it’s you and your DH and your mom and her DH, both mom and her DH can write the checks. So they can give you 60K within the gift limit.

       If you do create a promissory note, keep in mind that this may affect the mortgage interest rate you receive from the bank. By accepting a second loan for downpayment, you are increasing your debt to asset ratio (loan ups debt; gift ups assets). Therefore, I would recommend keeping the loan terms out of any official disclosed documents and have your mom create a gift letter (or letters if she’s splitting gift to you and DH) that the bank will definitely require when evaluating your assets.

       Also, have a repayment plan. It’s probably better if you pay back what you can each year to keep potential total upon sale under the 30 or 60K, although 11:31 seems to have better info on the gift tax implications.

13. I’m an admin assistant and have a promotion coming in January as well as a raise (of an undetermined amount) due to new executive management. I am SO bored right now and SO ready for this new role. I’ve already started training, but how else can I just get through the next couple months of meh work? I’m in finance so can’t really do anything without getting “clearance” to do so.

    Ughhhhh hurry up 2019

    1. Is there any software that you’ll have to use or that would help you organize your new role? Do an online training or familiarize yourself with the features you’ll need to use. Does your company offer any professional development classes or seminars that you could do in Nov. or Dec.? Is there any organizational work you can do that might help the new management understand the scope of your work or streamline past work products you’ll be sharing? Etc.

       Congratulations on your promotion and raise! Not long until 2019. :-)

    2. Do you have any vacation time to burn? Might not be a bad idea to plan time out of office now so you’re freshly energized to hit the ground running in 2019.

14. Does anyone have a recommendation for an all-inclusive quick vacation in Mexico? Thanks, guys!

    1. Live Aqua Cancun (assuming you’re not traveling with kids, it’s adults only).

    2. Excellence Playa Mujeres, also adults only.

    3. Cabo – Pueblo Bonito Pacifica

    4. Any of the El Dorado properties (also adults only). If you need to also include kids, the Occidental at Xcaret (the eco park) was wonderful.

    5. The Fives Azul Beach Resort in Playa del Carmen – family friendly but also great for adults who want to get away. Great restaurants and the staff is amazing.

    6. I enjoyed the Paradisus in Playa del Carmen.

15. On Wednesday I have a third and final interview for a job I’m really excited about. It is a video interview, just one-on-one with the executive director. I’m qualified, prepared, and the rest of the team very much wants me on board. But…I’m so nervous! Any tips for pre-interview empowerment? Songs, power-poses, mantras, etc? Thanks!

16. I had to call a weekend-long timeout on a fight with my BF, but I’m under the impression that he thinks he’s totally off the hook. There’s still a lot to talk about. Should I text him a heads up that we still need to talk? Calling isn’t an option today. I don’t want him to be blindsided tonight – ime, he gets really defensive when he’s surprised, and I want him to be able to calmly think about things and come to the table ready to talk. Otoh, I don’t like texting someone bad news, I’m absolutely not going to engage in a text battle today (if he demands to know what it’s about), and I don’t want him stressing out all day. Basically I want to be able to have a constructive conversation.

    1. I wouldn’t text, I feel like it always devolves into fighting over text, which is never good IMO. If you can’t call, I’d just talk to him tonight.

    2. If he doesn’t respond well to being surprised, I would text him a heads up that you need to talk tonight but refuse to engage in anything more by text

    3. Text him a heads up at the end of the day.

    4. Just say you want to talk about this weekend. He should be an adult and understand. I would say something like hey can we get together and talk about what happened this weekend? Maybe relax at home and have a conversation over a bottle of wine.

    5. Neither. Why is this all on your terms? You refused to discuss all weekend and now you’re gonna interrupt his Monday? Mention in person tonight that at some point you’d like to continue the discussion

17. Any people out there who transferred from a traditionally legal job to a non-legal one? I was in a big law firm for 5 years and now in-house. Thinking about transferring out of the legal dept. Thoughts? pros/cons?

    Thanks in advance!

    1. Yep. Do you have specific questions? I’m a thousand times happier as a non-lawyer than I was as a lawyer.

       1. How did you know you were going into the right field? Can you go back to being a lawyer (if you wanted to). Any points I should consider before making such a transition? Thanks!!

          1. I didn’t really know that this field would make me happier. I honestly thought, this sounds fun, it’s something I’ve always thought I kind of wanted to do, so lets go for it. And it turns out I love it, although I realize there was some luck involved.

             I have kept my license (on inactive status though) so I could technically go back, though I think it’s very difficult when you’ve been away from the law as long as I have (4 years now). I think I could probably go back to a JD-preferred role though, like compliance.

             I went straight from firm to non-lawyer, so a lot of my happiness stems from not being in a firm (much better hours, no crazy partners, no billable hours etc). But I also just really love what I do now and am enthusiastic about it in a way I never was with law.

             I think the main thing would just be to think through what-ifs like you do in any job change – if you hate this field, how can you transition back to being a lawyer? If this job pays less, how will that affect your family’s finances, etc.

       2. Also, what is it that is making you happier as a non-lawyer?

    2. This is me, too. Strongly considering leaving. I guess a question I have for those who have – how did you decide what to move into? There are so many things I am considering, but I can’t figure out what to do next and that initial move feels like such a huge move because I don’t think there’s a way back into law if you leave it (and also I’ve been on the mindset of “I’m (going to be) a lawyer” for so long it’s hard to imagine what next steps are.

18. Question regarding LLC and DBA:

    I recently started my own CPA firm and formed a PLLC in my state. I should’ve thought more about the name before registering it with the secretary of state and the state licensing board. I’m wondering if I can use the following shortened name? Do I need a DBA? I don’t want to amend my articles of organization because then they won’t match the licensing board name and I can only imagine how big of a PIA it would be to work with the licensing board to change name.

    Registered as: Jane Doe, CPA PLLC
    I want to use: DOE CPA PLLC

    Thoughts?

    1. Changing your name with a licensure board isn’t always a huge hassle- you might want to ask them what it involves (keeping in mind that changing the legal name also triggers tax id changes and bank account changes). Otherwise, a DBA could work. Check with a local attorney though as to whether you can use the PLLC as part of the DBA- you may be restricted to “DOE CPA”

    2. I think this will vary depending on your state. Best advice would be to consult a lawyer.

19. What non-heel shoes do you wear with opaque black tights and dresses or skirts in the winter? I’m currently wearing flats, a dress and tights and feel frumpy AF. I can’t wear heels so I need something flat…

    1. Booties.

    2. I love Oxfords with tights!

    3. Currently wearing Everlane Boss Boots

20. I just got these Cole Haan Vesta Skimmer Flats in the ocelot calf hair, but the black is beautiful too. They’re available in several great colors. The pointy toe and 1 inch heel keep me from feeling stumpy the way most flats with dresses can. I wore them for several hours the first time and found them stiff but pretty comfortable. I’m normally a 7.5 or 8 and the 7.5 fit well with a little extra room to accommodate the pointy toe. Reviews are good but a few found them too stiff.

    https://www.colehaan.com/vesta-skimmer-flat-black/W12799.html?dwvar_W12799_color=Black&dwvar_W12799_width=#cgid=womens_shoes_balletswedges&start=23

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