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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Wool-Crepe Mini Dress

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This wool-crepe dress from Akris is a stunner. The cut is spectacular and the red-orange color is so flattering on a wide range of skin tones. In a budgetless world, I would keep this dress on hand for a day when I was giving a particularly important presentation or had to go right from work to a fancy event. It would be a shame to cover it up, but if you need a topper, I think a navy blazer is the way to go. The dress is $2,490 and available in sizes 2–16. Wool-Crepe Mini Dress A couple of more affordable options are from Boss (at 25% off) and Hobbs (50% off!) — and for plus sizes, from Calvin Klein. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 3/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
  • J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
  • M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

260 Comments

  1. Need to get research done for a key partner, but the topic is so boring and outside my wheelhouse that I’m struggling to just do it. Decided to try the Pomodoro method this morning – any other tips?

    1. Start by googling. Most articles online are way more interesting than case law or treatises, so it’ll help draw you into the topic. It’ll also inform your search terms.

      1. Absolutely this. Especially for areas of law you’re unfamiliar with, you can get the lay of the land and figure out what’s relevant faster than just reading cases.

    2. Pomodoro definitely helps me on projects like that. I also like to put on music that helps me focus (usually something instrumental with a medium tempo).

      1. I combine the two and turn on a sleep timer on Amazon Music app for 30 minutes (or 45 if I need a longer chunk of time), so I can break when the music goes off.

  2. Old one is dead. Need a new one. The latest: round front vs elongated.

    I have had elongated before and loathed it. The landing area for solids was far from where water pushed things along. It was a nasty thing.

    Am I missing something? #TeamRoundFront

      1. That’s so funny. We are a tall family (including tall teens) and switching to elongated has made all the difference. Everything is much better!

      1. But round or elongated? FWIW, I think I’ve only seen elongated Totos, but I do believe that they could flush a grande burrito.

        1. Also, look carefully at toilet height. Toilets are taller than they used to be. “Comfort height” toilets tend to be quite tall and not as comfortable for shorter people. An elongated front/shorter height toilet might be worth considering.

  3. Any tips for recovering from a fractured big toe? I have a buddy tape and sandal system provided by the doctor, but is there anything that helped you recover smoothly and quickly? Unfortunately I can’t rest as much as I’d like while my husband is out of town, but I plan to do the best I can.

    1. I’ve broken my pinky toe a bunch of times (clumsy, slamming it into things), and have found that keeping the area warm while I am resting speeds up the healing. I feel like my toes don’t necessarily get a lot of circulation while I’m just sitting, and if I can up the rate of circulation it speeds up the healing, and the heat helps that.

    2. so this is more for later- I fracture my big toe last year, and I actually favored it so much/limped so much that I had to do 8 weeks of physical therapy after the 8 weeks of rest because I was not walking or running correctly. for a big toe, I’m surprised they don’t have you in a boot or at least a medical shoe unless it’s on the top of your toe and not contacting the ground

  4. Any recommendations for fun and informative wine tasting and/or pairing corses in the dc area? My SO mentioned that it might be fun to do one for an upcoming anniversary or V day 2020.

    1. If you have a friend at the University Club, they do awesome themed (e.g., rhone reds) wine dinners periodically. Or check embassies — they do this also to promote their country’s offerings (esp. Australia). Or wineries along Route 29 in Virginia. I think you have lots of good options that you can cab home from or go for an away weekend.

    3. I had a lot of fun at the “wine snob” class at the Little Washington Winery in VA!

  5. What are the new hot restaurants and things to do in Philly? I’m heading there this weekend with a boy. I’ve been to the city a bunch of times but it’s been a minute; he’s been once and covered the touristy things. I have tickets to the cider festival at the Navy Yard. He’s into naval/war museums; we’re going to the one in Camden. I’d like to do one beer-y meal (Eulogy was my favorite… sadface), one fancy meal (I liked Fork but I’d like to try something else), and just sort of walk around if the weather is nice. He’s been to the art museum but I might take him to the Barnes. Anything else?

    1. MUTTER MUSEUM

      I no longer live near Philly but thinking of doing a very early college trip to the Lehigh Valley for my tween girls so we can fly into Philly and visit the Mutter.

      1. I went to school in the Lehigh Valley and loved it! A really great area to go to school

    2. Husband and I did a great meal at Spice Finch. Vernick is on my to try list but haven’t yet. If you like weird things, the Mutter museum is fun.

    3. No trip to Philly is complete without a stop at Federal Donuts for donuts and/or fried chicken. I try to hit the hour when things change over to maximize the tastes.

    4. If you’re willing to leave the Center City area, check out Suraya – it’s the new Zahav. I would also highly recommend V Street for vegetarians and meat eaters alike. For something more traditional – Vernick or Friday Saturday Sunday.

      2. Suraya also has a great brunch, which I did because I couldn’t get a dinner reservation.

    5. I haven’t been yet, but I’ve also heard great things about the Museum of the American Revolution, it’s been years since I toured the Battleship New Jersey but that was great. On the Philly side, the Seaport Museum has the Becuna and the Olympia (an old submarine and a cruiser). They’re right next to the Moshulu, which I’d recommend at least for a drink if not for your fancy dinner. Not sure when it closes, but you could also grab a beer at Spruce Street Harbor Park while there.

      For beer, Monks has an impressive amount of options. If you like to try local beer, I recommend checking out Tired Hands and Evil Genius (but there are tons of good local breweries).

      My favorite thing to do in the city is to hang out in the Wissahickon. You can park by the Valley Green Inn and take a nice easy walk on Forbidden Drive or go off on a trail. If you want to stay closer to Center City, I love the Schuylkill River Trail.

      1. If you don’t have a car, you can take the Chestnut Hill West line to St. Martin’s to get on the Cresheim train that connects to Valley Green as well. Chestnut Hill is adorable with good food options (I recommend Paris for a nice meal or Cake for brunch)

      2. +1 to Monks but -1 to the American Revolution museum — was there for an event and glad I hadn’t paid since it seemed more geared to school trips.

    6. Fancy and new – drinks at the Jean Georges sky bar (top of Comcast 2), Vernick Fish (bottom of Comcast 2). Fancy and not-new but always scrumptious Bistrot La Minette. Casual and new-ish depending on how long it’s been, Goldie’s for a tahini milkshake!

    7. brunch at Sabrina’s. Double Knot is a great restaurant though doesn’t really meet your criteria exactly. Reading Terminal Market, though is much better on Saturday than Sunday.

    8. Not new and $$$$ but worth every cent, Talulah’s Garden. Monk’s for beer and Belgian food. Fergies Pub has lots of good beers, bar food, and Live Band Karaoke is one of the most fun things ever. Also not new (but superior to Fork IMO) South Kitchen and Jazz Bar (southern food), Osteria (Italian), Kensington Quarters (meat).

  7. We are doing some remodeling and I need to buy a bunch of ceiling lights, all of which I think will come from Pottery Barn. Do they have sales for Black Friday / xmas / New Year’s clearances or have any sort of rewards program? I need them in this time frame, so I can time it a bit but don’t want to order in Week 1 and then they go on 20% off a couple of weeks later.

    Thanks!

    1. Both sales and rewards card (the “Key”). I’d say 20% off with free shipping is about the best they ever do with sales though. They just did their ‘premiere’ day sale, so next one (if there isn’t a Columbus Day sale) is probably around Black Friday.

    2. If you live near one, consider hitting their outlets. You might have to hunt, but there are bargains to be had.

    3. Those stores cycle sales, so there will eventually be a lighting sale in a month or so.

  9. Does anyone have the Cuyana trapeze satchel? It’s in my bag but would love to hear some reviews of it before I purchase. I’m looking for a bag for work travel and want a bag that holds a ton but doesn’t look like luggage or a mary poppins bag. TIA!

    1. Are you flying? I wouldn’t pick a bag that doesn’t have a full zip top. It will be on its side and stuff will fall out.

  10. I wanted to love boho maxi dresses. I have one on today, under a sweater blazer (cold office, would likely take off outside).

    I feel like I am wearing a nightgown. Like Liesel in The Sound of Music or something. It’s a work day for me, so no possibility of tossing back a rum drink to help me get over it sooner (until this evening). Is this just how it is for some of us? Too Type A for boho maxi dresses?

    1. Omg you aren’t too type A for a maxi dress you’ve just apparently come to the realization that yes, this is a casual nightgown look that doesn’t feel right for the office because unless leggings are cool in your office, it is too casual.

    3. Gently, I think you are doing this wrong. Boho maxi dresses are extremely casual, not meant for any workplace, and never to be paired with a blazer of any kind.

      1. Our workplace is Practically Pajamas, so a maxi dress that is boho/nightgown adjacent would actually work.

    4. They aren’t office wear… but FWIW I don’t like them for weekend either. I tried a white eyelet version over the summer and it was total Little House cosplay. Maybe because it’s such a mismatch for my personality (nonchalant and breezy are probably the two least likely adjectives I’d ever be described as)… but I’m sitting this trend out.

    5. Being too Type A for boho midi dresses is definitely a thing. Anytime I’ve tried one on, I look like I’m in costume because it’s so.not.me.

    6. Agree that maxi dresses aren’t really work wear in most offices. But also, there are several things that are just outside my comfort zone. Ruffles are one. Peplum is another. Maybe just accept that you aren’t comfortable in maxi dresses.

    7. just another perspective, but I could wear boho maxi dresses absolutely at my work without a problem since we’re uber casual. In fact the few times I have wore a long skirt/anything flowy, I get asked why I’m dressed up. :) So I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you can absolutely do boho dresses in your workplace.

      That said, I think it’s probably the time of year + styling that has you feeling off. To me I think of boho dresses more late spring/early summer. I’d also nix the sweater blazer in turn for a fitted jean jacket.

  11. I’ve become interested in the the Dyson tower fan but the $300-$400 price tag is almost insurmountable to me. I like the small footprint and no blades, but that’s a lot of money for a fan. Does anyone want to weigh in on this very important topic? Oh, and have you ever seen it marked down for Black Friday? I am in no rush to buy.

    1. Following with intent. I would love to have one and ditch my 1986 ceiling fan in the bedroom for good.

    2. Dyson has a certified refurbished eBay store. Worth checking to see if the price is more palatable there?

    3. If you’re a Costco member, they typically have a coupon on the fans every other month or so.

      1. Buying at Costco would be ideal because I know I could return it easily, if necessary. Thanks, I will keep an eye out for the coupon.

    4. I have a friend who works for Dyson and in answer to the same question about the air purifier that I am stalking, she says that the best bets are Black Friday (stores compete, look on-line, particular at “local” big boxes) and Costco.

      1. I think I’ll wait to make a decision until I see whether I can get a Black Friday deal. Thanks for the info.

    5. I have the smaller Dyson that heats and cools and I love it so much. I have had it like 4 years and use it all the time. I like how quiet it is and it disperses the air really well and it’s just so much sleeker looking than other fans. I think mine came from qvc, which also does deals on them.

    6. Dyson gave a lot of money to the pro Brexit campaign… if that helps with your decision.

      1. Here’s what’s likely to happen: I will be too cheap to get the Dyson but I will tell myself I made the decision for ethical reasons. Win-Win. Except I don’t have the thing.

  12. I’m headed to DC this weekend for the first time. I’ll have most of Friday to myself, but will be spending the rest of the time with a friend who lives there. On Friday, I’m planning to go to the Holocaust Museum, the African American History Museum, and the Supreme Court (time permitting). Any other must-dos?

    2. Arlington Cemetery and the WW2 memorial area on the Mall!!!!!!! Esp. if weather permits.

    3. It took two visits for me to see everything at the NMAAHC. The whole museum is outstanding. Start at the top if you want to focus on pop culture history, start at the bottom if you want to focus on slave history. The cafeteria is also excellent.

    4. I love the war memorials (Korea is my favorite, but they’re all powerful). On that note, I’d also recommend Arlington. With everything going on right now, I’m

      Museum wise- the Newseum is amazing (not a Smithsonian, so you have to pay, I know there was talk of it closing so not sure if it’s still open). My favorite Smithsonian is the National Portrait Gallery and I also LOVE the Library of Congress.

      For lunch, if you go to the Portrait Gallery, there’s a great ramen place at 7th and H called Kofuku. Also recommend the cafeteria at the Museum of the American Indian

      1. Newseum is closing at the end of 2019. Personally, I would go there over one of the others, since it won’t be there the next time you get to DC and the Holocaust and AA History museum definitely will be.

        1. There is some sad irony in a museum dedicated to the free press and the First Amendment closing in the age of Trump.

        2. The Newseum is so amazing. I am sorry that I will never get another chance to visit it.

    5. Personally, I would find the Holocaust Museum (which I’ve been to) and the African American History Museum (which I haven’t been to) to be really heavy for a single day. If it’s important to you to get to both, and you don’t think you’ll have another chance in the foreseeable future, then go for it. But I’d suggest picking one, and then doing something like the National Gallery.

      1. Ditto. That was definitely my first thought.

        Also, is the AA museum still on a waiting list? I’m not sure if you still need timed tickets to get in.

    6. I always eat at Central Michel Richard when I am in DC if there is any way to make it happen.

      On museums, I like the Hirshorn Museum (“modern” and contemporary art, meaning Impressionists forward) and, of all things, the Mint.

  13. I had a weird experience during a 5K I ran this weekend and wanted to know if I was right to be outraged or if this is just something that happens: In short, a police officer directing traffic stopped the racers for about 30 seconds at an intersection to let cars through. I protested, telling him that we should get priority and I was trying to PR, and he just smirked at me and said this is how it’s going to work today.

    I wrote to the race organizers and got a refund, but has anyone else ever experienced this before? I’ve only run about a half dozen road races and never encountered it, but maybe “being stopped on the race course to let cars clear the intersection” is something that just happens sometimes during road races and I shouldn’t have reacted as strongly as I did?

    1. It’s annoying and I’d demand a refund from the race and also talk to the organizers at the finish line about it, but I’m not in the habit of picking fights with cops who are just doing their jobs.

      2. Well, that was my question, was this person “just doing his job”, or did he mess up? I don’t agree that it’s off-limits to ever question someone who is “just doing their job”. If the cashier at Walgreens gives me incorrect change, I’m going to say something and hopefully correct the problem. Same idea.

        1. Lol you tr0lling? Who cares whether he messed up or was doing his job? That’s an issue for the race organizers who hired him to deal with, after you brought it to their attention. It’s not for you, who doesn’t actually have any idea if the race was designed to stop runners to let cars through or not, to pick a fight with a cop.

          2. Of course they do but OP’s acting like it’s her job to get to the bottom of this potential malfeasance and it’s not. I expect that’s what people are reacting to. She alerted the race director. The race director can take it from here. There’s no nation-wide, universally applicable rule on how road closures for 5ks are handled. We can’t answer the question for her whether the cop “messed up.” But I see no reason to think that this cop wasn’t trying to do his job in good faith, even if it was in a manner that didn’t serve OP.

        2. It seems that the officer was doing his/her job. You got mouthy and didn’t like the response.

          1. oh god, here comes the respectability police. questioning a cop is not “getting mouthy”. you are allowed to, in fact encouraged to, question cops. they do not have universal authority and do not engender automatic respect. get mouthy my a$$

          2. Agree with KT, and then some.

            IMHO, it’s good for people who are “privileged” to question police officers. One of my friends joined me for a road race and remarked that most of the people were comfortable to upper-middle-class, have disposable income, and are educated. If a police officer cannot bear polite pushback from someone whom he knows can escalate to his supervisor, how is he supposed to handle pushback from someone he can arrest in a high-pressure situation?

            I’m generally very pro-police, but they don’t get a free pass on being questioned for their decisions.

    2. It doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. Annoying, but not the end of the world.

      And also, I sincerely hope this wasn’t a charity run.

    3. Why on earth would you ever think that challenging a police officer was a good idea, whether or not he was right?

        1. What’s confusing? Police officer directs you to do something, you do it. You don’t argue. Unless you feel compelled to assert a constitutional right. Your complaints weren’t out of touch and inappropriate, as directed to the cop.

        2. Because they have guns and can shoot you? Complain to the race organizers who can right this wrong by refunding your entry fee. Don’t get in an argument with a cop!

          1. Omg people, a cop is not going to shoot a runner for asking if she can go first. Police shootings remain incredibly rare and aren’t a constant threat in every interaction (not even for people of color).

          2. He probably won’t shoot the runner if the situation doesn’t escalate, but he is not going to give her what she wants and is likely to make her life difficult, even if it’s just by making her wait longer than he was originally going to. Even as a white person, my experience is that cops primarily are out to exert power over people and you don’t want to mess with them.

          3. He probably won’t shoot her regardless of her race, but POC in the US are just raised with an attitude that you never, ever talk back to the police in any circumstance. My friend’s 3 year old knows that if a police officer stops you, you have to do what they say. It’s absolutely white privilege to feel like you can argue with a police officer, even about something trivial.

      2. The officer directing traffic is doing the job he/she was told to do. That person doesn’t want to have any incidents. Including from you. Including from irate drivers. Why, why stir up trouble?! Does not every one of us have some place we prefer to be or something we prefer to be doing when we have to wait in line for another? And yet, no one is special except for an ambulance or fire truck in this situation. Wait your turn. It’s equally unfair.

    4. My ‘hood sees a lot of road races and is in a central area of my city. Police periodically stop racers to let traffic through. It is a huge PITA for area residents and businesses to have a race, never mind people just passing through who get caught in race traffic. If they don’t keep to the stopping runners periodically, everything gridlocks and people get stabby.

      I am also a sometimes runner who does 5Ks and taking turns at stops is just how these work if they go through neighborhoods. My kids man (kid? woman?) water stations sometimes as volunteers. We all have a job, but it’s a runner’s job to stop / pause when directed to.

      Share the road, y’all. Share the road.

      1. Yep, so do I. OP, not sure how close to the front you are, but it’s also possible that they were willing to block cars for longer for the first packs of front runners but not folks closer to the back of the pack. Especially if it’s not a qualifier or a super popular, well-publicized race.

        I will never forget the night that I got stuck in traffic for over an hour, 0.25 miles from home, at 11:00 pm because of a late night bike event. It was poorly publicized, and obviously poorly organized, and went in a loop on major roadways that completely surrounded multiple dense neighborhoods. People were getting out of their cars and yelling. It was awful. I get it. Races are fun, but the world can’t stop.

      2. This…..100%. It’s a community race….respect the community and the law enforcement that are doing their jobs. It’s not all about you and your PR.

    5. Pausing for 30 seconds in a 5K is not a tragedy — it is how city and neighborhood races work. Otherwise, run in a suburban office park 5K where no place is open and there is no thru traffic.

      1. No, that’s not how city and neighbourhood 5ks work. A well-planned 5k would involve a clockwise loop (all right turns), road closures, or police who let runners take priority. The reason you pay to run a race, when you can run on the exact same road for free before or after the race, is for traffic control.

        1. In my city, closures are often for the frontrunners and then they revert to alternating, so you may have to pause periodically. This is for races that I’ve run since I was in the stroller division, so the slower you are, the more you stop. But the non-fastest have to stop as well. My city is big on races through neighborhoods and people would riot if traffic wasn’t allowed to pass, especially on anything of length (= duration) like a 10K or longer.

      2. I disagree – I have run several 5ks in cities where there was no pausing because streets were shut down completely for the race. That said, I agree that you complain to the race organizers, not the police.

    6. This is something that happens in poorly organized road races. I ran a 10k in Atlanta in its first year and had to Frogger across several streets (sometimes coming and going on the loop) where there was no clarity as to who had the right-of-way. It was like the organizers had just realized they needed a traffic plan and security that morning. Traffic was snarled through major arteries in the middle of the city for hours as a result; drivers got it much worse than runners. The race is much, much better organized now.

    7. I don’t know what PR stands for and I have never run a race in my life but yeah that sounds ridiculous! I would be pissed! How can you stop a race randomly to let cars through, disadvantaging those who are in the wrong place at the wrong time?

    8. It’s a 5K… chill out. if this was a qualifier for anything I would be unhappy and would complain. If this was for charity- asking for your money back seems a bit much?

    9. I’ve run several dozen road races and never had the police stop us for more than a few seconds, if even that. The race should have arranged for complete road closures or, if the road is too busy for that, installed timing mats on each side of the road so that those who are stuck waiting for traffic do not have their times negatively impacted.

    10. The priority should be keeping people (both runners and drivers) safe – – not your PR. Get a little perspective

    11. This is par for the course (pun intended) for road races on public roads. Major holidays or significantly large races they’ll close the roads, otherwise both groups need to play nice. If you’re looking for PRs, look for runs in local large parks.

      1. This is helpful perspective, thanks. Sounds like this is more common than I thought, and I’ve just been lucky in the past!

      2. I live in a flat city so we have runs all. the. time. With a 5k, either a) the course should be planned better or b) drivers should be able to reroute. If it’s one of those 5k/half marathon/marathon combo races, it can be more complicated.
        I used to work Saturdays and my workplace was completely encircled by at least two marathons a year. Most of the time I sucked it up and got to work 3 hours early to beat the closure, but once I crossed the closed street after explaining to the officer the situation.

    12. You were right to contact the race director. Trains and emergency vehicles are the only things that they should stop runners for during a race. Hopefully the race director will contact the person who coordinates the off-duty office work pool and they can explain to him how it’s supposed to work in the future.

      1. It’s a race. A race. Have some perspective.

        If your entry fee is $500, maybe you get complete street closures. But not in my city when a race goes through a neighborhood or well-travelled street, and not after WR times on anything bigger I’ve run or seen. Your PR is either too late or your race is too small or your race fee doesn’t have full closures in the budget.

        If your race is $20 or so, plan to stop. If your pace is not WR pace, prepare to stop. 30 seconds isn’t the hill to die on.

        2. LOL. I’ve paid entry fees of $60 for half marathons and had complete road closures in big cities. You have no idea what you’re talking about.

          1. Perhaps she should diligence street closures before the race.

            There are so many races in my city that if every one of them had full street closures for every runner people would revolt and we’d probably ban races entirely.

            No one cares about your PR other than you. The rest of us have places to be.

          2. No one cares that you have places to be other than you.

            See how that works?

            (Sorry, it’s not about the PR – it’s about the fact that I paid money to be in a race so that I would be able to run unimpeded along a course. If I wanted to stop and wait for traffic, I wouldn’t have paid $40 for the 5k.)

          3. “No one cares that you have places to be other than you.”

            Well, except for your coworkers who need you to show up for your shift, your child who needs to get picked up from day care, the people attending the meeting you’re late for whose schedules now have to be pushed back, your friends who can’t be seated at dinner until the whole party is there, your family who needs you home… Swing and a miss, Anon. Also, a race entry fee is a race entry fee, not consideration for an exclusive easement for your use of a public road.

          4. Ah but there are TONS of people who have other places to be. Who pay taxes for those roads. Far more than those running in the race.

            A race is a community event. Respect the community hosting.

            If you care SO MUCH about road closures, then research that before you pay your entry fee to be sure that it actually covers road closures.

            Even if the OP had paid a thousand dollars for this and had a contract saying that her course would be completely closed off to traffic I’d still think her reaction was ridiculous. She alerted the race organizer and got a refund. And she still thinks she should do more?

          5. I… don’t think I should do more? I was really asking about others’ experiences in road races and whether having to wait for traffic is par for the course (so to speak). Sounds like it is! Question answered!

      2. Race director doesn’t want to hear your personal record sob story. Are not most people sort of trying to improve on their time? And taking your word for it? They’d have to refund everyone. It’s wildly unrealistic.

        Run a closed course in an office park and expect to pay more if you really want your own personal closed course.

          1. Likely b/c you are the one person who complained.

            I think if the pack you stopped with for 30 seconds and any runner who ever got paused routinely demanded their $ back, the race probably would have folded as an event by now or raised prices to have roads closed for a full hour (for a 5K) or something.

          2. Alright then. A nice gesture. If it makes you feel better, your dinged PR possibility allowed others to get to daycare or work or appointments, a workout class they’d get fined for missing, or brunch or church, or whatever, on time. I were you I’d move on and start training for a different race.

          3. What’s so odd is that it’s not like you have to actually run a 5K IN A RACE to get a PR. Go on the treadmill and run a 5K. Go to your usual park / trail and run a 5K. Those are just as much your “PRs.”

            Years ago I’d signed up for a 5K and then had an unexpected business trip to Japan. No worries – I ran 5K on a treadmill and got my own best PR to date. See? It worked even if there was no one around to see it.

      3. Race director here. I personally wouldn’t have refunded the participant, but definitely would have addressed it with the person in charge of the police officers. The officer screwed up and needs to not make that mistake again. Particularly on a bike course, allowing a car through in error can cause a bad wreck (cyclists can be going >20 mph). That is why we pay for police officers at most intersections, but might only have volunteers (who don’t have traffic control authority) at really small ones. As for neighborhood traffic being impacted, for my race, we place signs at all intersections warning of rolling lane closures on X dates from XAM until XAM and to please allow extra travel time. We get permits for any road/lane closures and permission to place signage on the right of way. We also remind participants that traffic control != closed course and they should be aware of their surroundings.

        Athletic events like races and triathlons bring in ample hotel, restaurant and associated money. For those whose morning is disrupted, I recommend a, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.” approach and either enter or volunteer next year. If you have to work that day, I’m sorry. Please just leave a bit earlier and be chill about it.

        1. That is such an elitist attitude. The elderly, the disabled, the unwell can’t simply “join ‘em” because you think your street race is more important than people – all people – in cars.

          1. We have people of all ages & abilities as both participants and volunteers, so they absolutely can and do if they desire. That’s a really common misconception that only the super-fit can participate in a road race or triathlon. And yes, I do feel that a short delay one day per year that you find out about well ahead of time, is not an undue hardship.

          2. Yup. This attitude makes me want to show up to my next town hall and start a petition to ban races.

          3. You simply cannot assume that everyone who gets caught in traffic for any race knows about it well ahead of time. Sounds like your race is big and fancy but most aren’t. Also telling someone to join you next year does absolutely nothing to make their current predicament better.

        2. Sometimes it’s more than “leaving a little early.” Esp. if someone relies on bus transit which could be significantly impacted. I know races are great biz but your suggestion is kinda flippant.

        3. Athletic events like races and triathlons bring in ample hotel, restaurant and associated money.

          Not always. Sometimes, they are just a pain in the neck and I cannot get out of my own neighborhood. Not a fan and I agree with Anon that your attitude is elitist.

      4. +1. I’ve had cops let cars through when they think there’s a big enough gap between runners. The problem is that approaching cars think that they, too, can barrel on through, which is a huge safety risk for the runners.

          1. Right. It’s not. Which means that the car that arrives at 32 seconds is still going to try to go through just as the cop starts waving the runners through because it saw all those other cars go through.

            Source: Almost got hit by a car during my last half.

    13. This is something that the organizers should have nailed down with the police presence prior to the race. It is expected that cars will wait for runners. You had a right to be angry.

    14. I’ve been a runner for 30 years and have also done some race organization. In general, full closed roads are only an option for very, very large events that have a lot of money. Getting a permit for full road closures is hard and expensive, and not something most race organizations can afford. I’ve never seen it done for a 5K other than one that had an elite (professional) field.

      Otherwise, race organizers and police have to work to make sure traffic can still move without holding up the race. In the races I have worked on, male and female race leaders and the front pack of the race got full priority over cars (other than emergency vehicles, obviously). When I was the female race leader I would sometimes have to tell an officer that as I was approaching an intersection (since it’s rare for the female race lead to get a bike escort), but they always held traffic in that case. Beyond that, the direction was generally for officers to hold cars rather than runners, but sometimes there would be a super short (a few seconds) hold on runners to let traffic clear an intersection (you would not generally hold runners to let cars into an intersection).

      Thirty seconds is a very long time, and I would be annoyed by it, but I also wouldn’t complain. There are a lot of 5Ks out there, the recovery time from a 5K isn’t long, and if you miss your PR there’s probably another one you can run within a week or two.

      2. +1 not all races can afford full street closures. Annoying, sure, but IMO not worth asking for a refund. You still got to run the race!

        signed,
        a competitive runner

      3. +1 to all of this, especially the last paragraph.

        Really can’t believe how many noses are so out of joint about this. My not-at-all-serious hot take is that if you’re going to complain about traffic interrupting your PR, maybe you should train harder so you’re running at the front ;)

    15. There are so many races these days that I am sure police and city planners prioritize certain ones over others. Not sure how they decide who gets full road closures, maybe the ones with more participants, longer notice time or the ones that plan their routes in close collaboration with police? I’d be curious to find out.
      I was going on a hike the other weekend, and the trailhead was on a peninsula, so you had to drive for a half hour on the only access road to get there. I was surprised that there was a bicycle race using the same road the entire time, so you had to overtake cyclists for 45 minutes straight. But I guess the equally bad alternative would have been to shut the whole state park to the public that morning.

      1. In most places, whether you get full closed roads depends on whether you’re willing to pay for a permit to close them, which is super expensive. The city/county will determine in reviewing the permit whether the closure is too burdensome to the public (will it interfere with other public events, prevent emergency access even if vehicles are given priority, muck up access to a freeway, etc.). Route planning matters a lot to that determination – trying to close roads in front of the only access point for an emergency room, for example, generally won’t get okay’d even if you’re willing to pay a lot. The race organizer pays for all the police time associated with the closure as well.

        For bike races that are on the road (vs. crits or time trials, which will be run on a fairly short closed course), full course road closures don’t happen, full stop – not even for the Tour de France – unless it’s something like a mountaintop finish with a narrow road where you couldn’t safely have cars on the road. That’s because bike race courses are long – a short road race will be 25-30 miles and longer ones can be 75 or 100 miles (or more). For professional races, they’ll do a rolling road closure, and it’s generally fairly short. If a pro racer is substantially off the back, they may be riding on open roads. Amateurs typically ride on fully open roads, but there will be a police motorbike with the race leaders to help mitigate them navigate traffic, especially at intersections.

    16. That would really piss me off too and I don’t think it’s “standard” in any way. The race organizers should have publicized it in advance if there were going to be potential stoppages on the course.

      Also, looks like a lot of the people enjoying the pile-on this morning need to start running. Maybe some endorphins will help them be less hostile.

      1. “Also, looks like a lot of the people enjoying the pile-on this morning need to start running. Maybe some endorphins will help them be less hostile.”

        Yep.

        1. I’ve done about a dozen 5ks. I only remember one where we were stopped to let cars through. It still struck me as no big deal. Have some perspective.

    17. My neighborhood has a road race practically every weekend. Sorry, but sometimes I have places to go and people to see (in my car). If you don’t like it, then don’t sign up for a road race.

      1. My neighborhood has at least a race a weekend. It is b/w two hospitals, so you (runners) are going to stop at least for emergency vehicles, and probably periodically b/c hospital personnel work 24/7, so they come and go, along with other random members of the public. It’s just how races are in city neighborhoods.

        The race leaders may have escorts and tend to get to finish interruption-free. But not the rest of us. We stop and it’s OK.

    18. OP: I’m trying for a personal record so this should take priority over all traffic in the area

      Officer: smirk

      OP: HOW DARE YOU SIR

      1. You’re clearly not a runner or a goal-setter or someone who is used to participating in official events. Maybe try it sometime? It might make you happier.

        1. Hey dude, I’m not the one complaining to
          1) a police officer
          2) race organizers
          3) the Internet
          about a 30 second inconvenience.

          2. I mean, 30 seconds in a 5k race isn’t an “inconvenience,” it’s a huge difference in terms of your actual time/pace, not to mention the effect on momentum, mental stamina, all of that. If it’s a normal part of race conditions that should be factored into the experience, fine, and it sounds like there’s plenty of people saying that’s just the reality of local races. But 30 seconds during a timed race is a lot different than being asked to wait 30 seconds in almost any other context of life.

          3. At a certain point, does a 12/min mile pace person get to raise a fuss though? Even if going for a PR? 5Ks attract novices and newbies and I feel like if PRs are treated this preciously, things will just get crazy and out of hand. Like most people don’t get all competitive and Type A if they are just a middling runner (but even a middling runner can care and try to improve).

          4. It also affects the results. Maybe the first-place winner wouldn’t have won if the second-place hadn’t gotten stopped by the cop.

          5. We aren’t talking about the olympics here. We are taking about a probably low-fee street race and OP trying to achieve a personal best. Since it is personal, OP can just subtract 30 second from her time.

            The level of entitlement here is unreal. If a race is running, say, from west to East, should we really expect all north-south traffic to be stopped for the length of the race? As other people said, there are basically 5k’s every weekend. It’s unworkable.

            And yes, I do run.

          6. Yeah, no. You don’t get to claim to be some super representative runner- icon and tell anyone who disagrees that they clearly have no clue about running. You just don’t.

          7. Are we gatekeeping running now, anon at 2:58 pm? Are the only “real runners” those who care passionately about their PRs? And do “real runners” have to have a certain speed to be real?

          8. LaurenB, I should have been clearer. I meant anon at 12:47 doesn’t get to dictate what runners are like and what running is about. The running community I’ve grown up in is so laid back and used to making do with non-ideal circumstances, that they would just laugh in OP’s face. Runners are not a monolith.

        2. Runner here. If you’re not at the front of the pack, in a city race not promising closed streets for the whole race, expect to pause. Either run faster so you are running during any temporary full-course closures or go for your PR somewhere else (office park 5Ks are good for this — I’ve never had to pause or stop during one).

        3. Bud. I run and have been running for years, fast enough that I’ve never been stopped for traffic in a community 5 or 10k.

          I would have a brief moment of annoyance about this, but it’s really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. It’s a 5k, not a marathon. There’s another one next weekend.

    19. Wait, I am confused by a lot of the comments here. 30 seconds during a 5k is a very long time so you were right to be annoyed. Did the race website say anything about full road closures? In that case, there should have been full road closures. I’ve never been stopped in the middle of a race, but most races I’ve run are in large cities and cost more than $30.

      1. A 5K can take 45+ minutes to run, which accounts for stroller racers, younger kids, run/walkers who mainly walk, and people of different ages / abilities. Full closures for that long aren’t financially or otherwise feasible for many races. So for a lot of participants, a 30 second pause is no big deal. If you need a closed course, pay attention to what is promised when you sign up. And if it doesn’t deliver, don’t start bothering race security during the race. You can take it up afterwards. And then talk to local runners or a running shop about which races would work for your requirements.

      2. I run a 15 minute mile. About as fast as I walk it. Should streets be closed, even for me, which will be 45 minutes throughout the length of a course? There are people behind me always, in case that matters.

        1. The standard “length” for a 5k is 1 hour, fwiw. So yes, streets would normally be closed for that time, which allows slow runners and walkers to finish unless they’re seriously dawdling.

      3. So Nesta. Is it only the elite runners whose PR goals should take priority over traffic? What about the 15 min miler who is trying to pull this one in under 45 min? Is her PR as important as yours?

        1. Er, my entire question was whether it’s reasonable to expect to be able to run a race unimpeded by cops letting traffic through. The consensus seems to be, it’s not, that having to stop for traffic is pretty standard in road races.

          But, since you asked about my views on PRs, yes of course the 15:00 pace PR should take equal priority to the “elite” runners. I’m far closer to the former than the latter. You don’t have to be an “elite” runner to care about being given an opportunity to do your best.

          1. But I do my best regardless of what the actual ticker at the end says. If I know that I ran a good race according to my metrics, what difference does it possibly make what the ticker says (if I knew I was delayed for 30 seconds)?

          2. Having to stop for traffic is not normal in a road race. Yes, cars cross or turn from a side street between groups of runners. Traffic is not *prohibited* and very few courses are truly closed courses. I don’t recall ever stopping during a race for cars to cross or turn and I’ve lost count of how many races I’ve done. Longer races usually do have a cutoff where traffic control stops, but that’s announced well in advance (ie, 6 hour cutoff for a marathon is common)

          3. LaurenB, because stopping for 30 seconds isn’t just a matter of, oh subtract 30 seconds from my time and that’s my “real” time, so I know I still did my best. Having to unexpectedly stop for 30 seconds stops your momentum, your pace, the frustration messes with your mental energy. Obviously lots of people would say that’s stupid, and it’s not that serious, but that was my experience and why it mattered to me.

          4. Nesta, you are being so freaking precious about this I can’t stand it.
            This wasn’t an Olympic qualifying event and OMG because of this saucy policeman now your childhood dream of going for the gold is gone. You are absolutely being privileged, spoiled, bratty and whatever other word anyone has thrown out there. It was a 5k. You weren’t winning the race and you lost because of the cop’s actions. You were just trying to set a PR, which as others have pointed out, can be done anywhere, anytime. There are some unalienable rights guaranteed to us in the Constitution but the right to run a 5k without having any delays that “mess with your mental energy” is not one of them. You were not robbed of anything you can’t get back and in the scheme of things, this is such a minor annoyance I am frankly amazed you are putting this much mental energy into it. Seriously, if you are like this in the rest of your life you are probably making things very, very difficult for yourself and others around you. Reconsider your life and how you want to live it.

    20. I think you overreacted. The cops HAVE to stop the runners at some point to let traffic through. Your PR isn’t more important than the PR of any other person on the course. This wasn’t the Olympics or even the Chicago/Boston/NY marathon.

    21. In a perfect world, a town or city would be able to shut down all the roads needed for a road race to be run uninterrupted, and properly detour drivers as needed. But we don’t live in a perfect world, and at least in Boston, it feels like there’s a 5k every weekend right now, you can’t feasibly shut down all the roads needed for every single race – people need to be able to get places on weekends! But I do think they should communicate to the runners that they may be stopped to let cars through, so people can adjust their expectations accordingly.

      If this was a charity race, I think it’s really poor form to demand a refund just because you weren’t given a chance to PR. Sure, charity challenges like that are a great time to push yourself and get faster, but ultimately, it’s not about you.

      1. PS: Nesta, to answer your question about your reaction, I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of the phrase “gym brain,” but it’s really, really tough to remain calm, polite, and mild-mannered during or immediately after strenuous exercise. It’s easy to say, in hindsight, oh yeah you should have been more understanding and compliant but you were in the middle of a 5k, and in the moment you did have tunnel vision on that finish line and your personal record, that can absolutely turn up the heat in the moment. Which is why I initially said that the organizers should have let people know ahead of time, “hey, we couldn’t get full street closures for this, you may need to pause here and there, we’re sorry for the inconvenience but we’re trying our best” may have led to a better reaction in the moment. I doubt you’re the only runner who went “wait, what?? no!” when an officer stopped them in the middle of a race.

        1. Yes, definitely being out of breath/exhausted/at the breaking point already contributed to my frustration and reaction.

          I completely agree about setting expectations. As I’ve said in a few places, this is the entire reason I’ve posed the question, to see whether this is normal and something I should expect to encounter in the future or whether this is completely unheard of and this guy was out of line. It sounds like it’s super common, so my headspace and race plan will account for that going forward, and it won’t have as much of a negative impact (and I will look for courses that don’t cross major streets to try to avoid this issue completely, as suggested by a few posters).

  14. Can we talk home buying planning? I’d like to buy (or at least be ready to buy) two years from now. Looking for tips/tools to figure out how much I need to save, track those savings, figure out where to buy, etc.

    1. If there are “first time homebuyer” workshops in your area (some are offered by community organizations and some by realtors) then I’d recommend checking out some of those. Attending open houses around the area that you live in is a great way to explore neighborhoods and figure out what is important to you in a house. To know how much you need to save you probably need to have an idea of what you can afford for a mortgage and then you can calculate the required down payment. Don’t forget to also make sure you have additional money set aside for closing costs, moving, etc. For keeping track of savings, I like You Need a Budget but there are a lot of tools out there.

  15. How do you compromise with your spouse about money issues? For context DH and I are equal earners and have a HHI of ~$250k, no kids, no debt except for our mortgage and car payments which together are under $2k/month. We are maxing our retirement accounts but have a lot of liquidity still. When it comes to things like vacation, we have different ideas about what is a reasonable amount of money to spend, and end up arguing because neither one of us will move off of our positions. It is so unpleasant. But DH’s position of “no vacation should ever cost more than a total of $2.5k ever” is really limiting, and there is no reason to restrict ourselves like that. I’m so sick of arguing about it. I’m advocating for spending about 1k more for a week long (all inclusive) beach vacation for the 2 of us. If it were TOTALLY up to me I’d probably spend double because I like treating myself (and DH).

    1. We’re similar, except we earn less than you overall and I earn less than my DH. But honestly, I just spend what I want to spend. My Dh has accepted it as a price (literally!) of admission. I’ve told him fairly bluntly that I work outside the home in large part so we can take lavish vacations, and if he’s going to restrict my spending, I’ll leave my job to be a SAHM – which he really doesn’t want. Maybe that’s not the most mature thing, but it’s been effective. Now I book and plan all our vacations and he doesn’t even know the costs (by choice).

      1. I should add that we’re both frugal by nature and when I say “I spend what I want to spend” I mean I spend what I want to spend, given what we can afford. We both max retirement and put a lot of money in various forms of savings (pre-paying mortgage, IRAs, 529s for kids) in addition. DH just thinks we should be saving 80% of our post-tax salary and I’m fine saving 70% of it (numbers are estimates but you get the drift).

        1. I am impressed and amazed that you guys are saving 70% of your salary! How do you do it? Any tips?

          1. When I said we “save” 70% (in the context of budgeting for vacations) I was including our mortgage since DH and I both agree that money is being used responsibly to build our net worth. But I think in most contexts you wouldn’t include mortgage payments in the definition of savings. So actual savings is probably more like 50-60%. The biggest thing is that we earn close to $200k combined and live in a very LCOL area, so we only need a small percentage of our earnings to meet our basic needs. Childcare is our biggest expense that doesn’t add to our net worth. Beyond that we live pretty frugally – I like nice vacations but don’t really shop for clothes or spend money on myself outside of the vacation context, my DH basically never spends money on anything. We drive really old cars (16 & 24 years old this year). I appreciate the compliment but I don’t think we really deserve any kudos for it – we just have high salaries for our area and don’t have a lot of “wants” (other than vacations for me).

      2. Ha! I’m not married and my kneejerk was – fine then I’ll go on vacation by myself and spend as much as I want (within reason).

    2. This isn’t a money issue. It’s a respect and values issue. You value nice vacations. He does not. If he isn’t willing to budge at all (let’s do your budget one year mine the next; let’s save monthly for this; let’s look at how we are prioritizing our money overall; etc) then to me it is a marriage issue that requires marriage counseling to figure out.

    3. This doesn’t really help at all, but I used to be more like your husband…not quite as restrictive, but definitely pushing for cheaper this or cheaper that on vacation. My husband is always like, no, we’re staying at this nicer place etc.and I am ALWAYS glad we did so I’ve learned over time to embrace it (to an extent).

      Also, is he ever in charge or planning a vacation? If not, have him make an attempt. He may realize how unreasonable his set amount is. OR compromise so one year you take a fancy vacay, then offset it where next year you do a cool road trip or something, so it evens out rather than taking a mediocre vacation every year.

    4. Would his opinion change if he sees the breakdowns of why the vacation will need to cost more? For example, I have a budget sheet for each of my trips, with line items like airfare, hotel, food etc. This helps to either pinpoint compromisable items, splurge items, or items that are already within reasonable budget. I’m single and in control of my own budget, but I do have travel buddies that I need to compromise with and the cost breakdowns really help everyone see and be comfortable with what exactly they’re paying for.

    5. I’m of two minds. His refusal to compromise (esp. when you’re clearly trying to compromise) is really concerning. OTOH, I wouldn’t want to spend a lot of money to sit on a beach for a week, personally. So my question is – are there other trips, like to Europe etc., that you want to do and aren’t able to do because he refuses to budge on the budget? Is the beach vacation already a compromise on your part and he’s continuing to shut down your very reasonable attempts to find a halfway point?

      And big picture – if travel is something that you value and want out of your life, what is his plan for meeting that desire? If I told my husband, hey one of the top 5 things I want out of life is to see the world, and he’s all, meh too expensive (when it’s not), that would be a Big Problem for me.

      1. I’m happy to do a beach vacation in the winter, just not at a crappy hotel. FWIW we went to Europe last year and the $2.5k budget applied. It was not my favorite trip. Travel IS something I value and want, and he thinks we can do it and see the world, but that we never need to spend more than $2.5k to do it (There are soooo many places I want to go that this would not be possible, my current plan is to go with my siblings!)

        1. Oh man. Do his cost-cutting measures cost you guys a lot of time? I would add a line item for the value of your time. I’d also add up the “hidden” costs that crop up when you cut corners. I’d rather spend $50/night more on a hotel than spend $25 for a taxi to and from town. I’d rather spend $200 more on a flight from a nearby airport than spend $100 each way on the train to the cheaper airport 2 hours away. And frankly even if it’s not an even trade, your time counts for something.

    6. Two options – you alternate planning vacations, so one year it’s your way, one year it’s his way

      Or, you take family vacations together his way, and take an alternate trip by yourself at another time where you treat yo self.

      We do both of these things. Most typically we do a family road trip for a week a couple of times a year, then I take a long weekend in Paris by myself when business takes me nearby.

  16. Has anyone done a trip through their alma mater’s alumni travel program? What was it like? I know this is probably school-dependent to a large degree, but still curious to hear experiences if anyone has done this.

    1. I have not, but my parents have through my mother’s Seven Sisters school. They have had great experrinces for the most part. While I know there have been a few young people on these trips, overall I get the impression the majority are over 55. That would be fine with me (I am not that young and like spending time with all ages), but someghing to keep in mind in terms of expectations. I am sure it varies a bit by school, of course, so look into it.

      1. Thanks! I figured the crowd would be older. I don’t want to travel with a bunch of people who aren’t very mobile, but I’m fine with active people of any age, and I’d probably choose a tour with a lot of physical activity that would be off limits to people who need walkers, etc. I think I’d rather be with active 60-somethings than 20-somethings who want to do a lot of drinking and hooking up, honestly. There don’t seem to be a lot of tour groups that cater to middle-aged moms (ha) and I think my lifestyle is more similar to a the typical 60-something than the typical 20-something.

        1. For what it’s worth, I haven’t done any college alumni travel. But I have done several group trips now through outfitters, when my age has been 36-39. I was nervous on the first one that it would be the drinking and hooking up culture but it has not been at all. On each one there has been a range of ages ~mid 20s- mid 60s. It’s a mix of singles, couples, and married or partnered people who came without their families. Each trip has had some people who drank socially, some who drank not at all, and maybe 1 who drank a lot on the last night. Everyone has gotten along amazingly great!

          I do think it has helped that these have been hiking trips with lodging in tents/mountain huts/small hotels. But all this to say that if you’re looking for tours with lots of physical activity, there are plenty out there that would fit your needs and aren’t alumni travel (and cost way less than the college sponsored ones).

    3. Never been but Ive heard good things about trips arranged by my very left-wing but very wealthy college. They also have a small nearby ski-cabin loved and frequebted by students and alumni both.

    4. I haven’t but my parents do through UC Berkeley – the trips look awesome but when I said I was thinking of doing it as well they basically recommended we did not as the average age is about 70…

  17. So it’s been a long anxious and/or depressed weekend with me randomly bursting out in tears, being lonely, and questioning my future personally and at my job which I hate. Plus stomach issues — I normally have reflux but much worse with some other issues which I imagine are mood related. What would you do today if you were me? Day off work. Need to spend some time cleaning house as I have family visiting next weekend and will get overwhelmed if u try to do it Thursday night but I can’t do that all day either. What’s your go to when you feel like this?

    1. I would need to get out of the house. Go to a museum, just go read a (physical) book in a cafe, maybe go to the farmers market bc that’ll help prepare for family. Try to meet someone for coffee or dinner, but if not, still get dressed up and do your hair/make up/whatever makes you feel put together. Maybe a workout class, but if this was me I would need to “get it out of my system” by going for a long walk or run in a nice area. Definitely don’t stay in the house all day.

      Hope you feel better!

    2. I would set a timer and clean for one hour maximum and then get out of the house. I’d go for a long walk in as much nature as I could reasonably get to, spend some time drinking tea and reading a hard cover book, and take a bath with lavender bath salts.

    3. Meditate. Do yoga. Light a candle and read a book. Bake something. Journal. Make tea. Put on comfortable clothes. Do a little cleaning between each of these and it will feel less overwhelming.

      Sorry you are feeling this way. I hope you feel better soon.

  18. In my yoga class this weekend, the instructor passed around some lavender sesame oil for us to rub into our hands and feet at the end of class, and I loved it! It seemed to be so much more absorbent and softening than the lotion I’m always using.

    So… any recommendations for other oils to use for hands, cuticles, and feet? Brands, scents, whatever. I am a total oil newbie and need all the help I can get!

  19. Has anyone tried BetterHelp or TalkSpace for therapy? I’ve been struggling for a few years following a really bad 2016, and I think I need some assistance getting past it. (We’ve made a lot of life changes that I thought would help–and did help–but I still find myself struggling with motivation and irritability). I don’t know how to make in person therapy work from a time perspective, so I thought the app-based might be a good option for me. Interested in any experiences–positive or negative.

    1. There was a similar question a couple of days ago, and a lot of r e tte s were disappointed with the app based therapy. I imagine it’s hard enough explaining things over text… Is it an option to set up a live video session?

  20. Dating question. Has anyone been un-ghosted? I went on a handful of dates with a guy a couple of months ago. We gardened once and it was pretty great. The next time we went out, he was so weird and off. Even setting up the date was weird – he invited me out right after work, an hour away from my work/home, but was really vague and noncommittal about whether it was drinks or dinner; I finally said well I will be eating at that time so let me know if you want to have dinner together otherwise we can grab a drink some other night. He was yawning the whole time, gave one word answers to questions like how was your day (conversation had been great every other date), and when I dropped him off at his place, he half-heartedly invited me up (I hadn’t seen his home before) but was relieved when I offered to let him just go to bed. He didn’t reach out again and neither did I. I left for vacation about a week later (which he knew about); when he didn’t try to hang out before I left, I figured that was that. I was disappointed because I’d really liked him but I guess that’s modern dating.

    Dude texted me this weekend asking what ever happened to me. He said I went on a business trip (ahem, it was vacation) and he never heard from me again. I mean it’s true I didn’t reach out after that last terrible date but if he wanted to hang out again I figured he would’ve apologized for being tired or whatever and offered to make it up to me. I responded and said it didn’t seem like he was interested and he said he thought the same about me. I’m not sure if I should respond further?

    1. This guy sounds lazy AF. He didn’t text you either, and now he is saying the problem lies with you?

      NEXT

      1. +1. First he was entitled and rude, and now he’s appearing out of nowhere to grill you on why you didn’t show more interest?

    2. Read “The Rules” and “He’s Just Not That Into You,” if you haven’t already.

      “if he wanted to hang out again I figured he would’ve apologized for being tired or whatever and offered to make it up to me”

      It’s not even that he had to apologize — he could have just been the first one to reach out, and he wasn’t. Now, a few months later, he’s interested in contacting you for… something. I wonder what it could be.

    3. Why on earth would you respond after such a horrible date? Do you really need our advice on this?

    4. Nope, girl, you are worth so much more than this. He’s bored and just looking to see who’s available that he doesn’t have to work hard for.

      1. Yep. This was a “I’m bored, there’s nothing good on TV and the phone well is dry, let me see who I can dig up in my old texts who might respond” reach-out. He probably texted several girls that night just to see who’d hit him back (it’s a tactic for some guys). I would block him and keep it moving, onto the next one…

    5. Do not respond further. When guys like and value you, you know it. They pursue you. And no, a half hearted “whatever happened to you” text is not pursuing you.

    6. This doesn’t seem like a full ghosting to me, more like bad communication. However, the weird date with no explanation that early on in dating would be the reason I wouldn’t be inclined to rekindle.

      FWIW, I was ghosted, complete with no responses to my attempts to communicate, but I stupidly accepted him back four months later when he apologized and swore things would be different. Guess what happened? That Mfer ghosted me AGAIN, so maybe I am just jaded AF.

    7. I dated a guy like this, goes quiet on you and then makes you out to be the bad guy when you don’t go chasing after him. Tell him “you didn’t seem to be having any fun last time we hung out, so when you didn’t contact me after our last date I figured that meant we were done, and I’ve already moved on mentally.”

    8. It sounds like he’s bored and looking for some gardening he doesn’t have to work for.

      1. This is blunt but entirely accurate. He’s messing with your mind and seeing if he can get a booty call out of it.

    10. I have been unghosted. Well, actually, I ran into him, which was inevitable and something I think he was counting on. We’ve rekindled after an explanation and a seemingly sincere apology. I am still cautious about the whole thing, but since he is my best prospect at the moment, and our connection is really good, I am back in. We both struggle with the relationship rhythm. It is a known issue we talk about and actively work to improve. Still not convinced, though, and I am sure lots of people would tell me to move on based only on a peep through that window.

  21. I realized I left this on the weekend open thread, but no one will probably see it.

    I do criminal defense cases and child/abuse neglect cases and many, many, many of my clients are on care.com offering their services. Please be careful if you use that site. One of my clients under a child death investigation is on there offering babysitting services.

    1. That’s scary. One of several reasons I feel a lot more comfortable with my kids in state-licensed daycare than home with a nanny.

    2. Good to know, thank you. I’ve always wondered how good the background checks could be. We do ongoing driver checks at work and it sometimes takes years for an incident to show up because it went to trial and nothing shows up until the verdict is finalized.

    3. What are the legal ramifications if you are made aware that a client is offering such services? Are you obligated to do something? (IANAL)

      1. You’re not only not obligated to do something, you’re obligated NOT to do something. You have to maintain your client’s confidentiality. Only exception would be if client says something to you like “I’m advertising on care.com so I can find another baby to abuse” (because then they’ve told you they’re planning a crime). But knowing that an accused criminal is using care.com to advertise their services to other people, you definitely can’t do anything as their attorney.

      2. Agree with Anon above. The best you could try to do is to appeal to the client’s better nature, or maybe to their sense of self-preservation.

    4. Interesting. I think the s!te encourages doing background checks and even offers a service for that. Are your clients passing background checks? Or are they just listing services on there?

      1. I don’t know, but I seriously doubt that a child abuse/neglect case would show up on a background check. Although some have crossover criminal charges, many don’t. The child abuse/neglect cases are sealed and the public is unable to access.

        I know of at least one case where my client revealed to the social worker that she was on there, and social worker followed up with the family utilizing her services to not use care.com (could not reveal her name however). You have to remember that these types of cases involving children are sealed records and confidentiality crosses all the family interactions- lawyer, judge, social worker, therapist. While police are mandatory reporters to child welfare agency, child welfare agency is not a mandatory reporter to police (at least in my state). That is why there is often a lack of corresponding criminal endangerment charge. With social work and juvenile court, the goal is to rehabilitate and reunite the family. A criminal charge is contrary to that.

        I am assuming that the criminal charges might show up, but like the poster above said- sometimes, it takes years to get a conviction (especially due to backlog with crime lab for drug cases).

        I don’t know what type of checks care.com uses so I can’t speak to that.

        1. I don’t mean this to be snarky but if this is the case (which I trust it is given your expertise!), isn’t this a problem with literally any way that you find a nanny? If something doesn’t show up on a background check and someone can give a credible reference and seem normal/capable in an interview, what else can parents do?

  22. We had a bummer wedding experience this weekend that I need to vent about. The wedding, cocktail reception and reception were lovely, don’t get me wrong — easily one of the fanciest weddings I’ve been to, honestly. The problem was the fairly icy reception we got from the side of the family hosting the wedding. Like, basically that whole branch barely bothered to talk to me and DH, MIL, and FIL. Not just the bride and her parents, which was totally understandable, given that they were hosting this giant party. (Actually, they were quite warm in their interactions.) But the rest of the branch in attendance basically said obligatory hellos and goodbyes to us, and that was about it. Our families used to be much closer — DH doesn’t know exactly what went down, but we know that FIL had a falling out with one of the family members a few years ago. DH was bummed about it all day yesterday, saying that he’d be done with that branch of the family, but it seems like they’re done with us already. (Same thing also happened at a funeral recently.) And, our kids were pretty miserable at a four-course affair anyway, so the whole thing felt weird and bad. I know, I know, it’s about the couple, not us, but it still hurts to realize that you’re in a lopsided familial relationship.

    1. Been there…Don’t take it personally- some people really have no social skills or manners. Lower your expectations of these folks, continue to go to family events if you want to for the people that you appreciate, and set an example for your kids about how to be friendly and gracious at social events even when the other guests aren’t behaving in the best way.

    2. I think you are kin to one side of my husband’s mom’s family.

      There is some stink about how the son got the grandparents’ business and the daughters were cut out because they were girls. Oddly, it’s the son’s now-widow and kids who are frosty, not the daughters or their children (but one cousin is bitter and clearly can’t get over it).

      I married into this mess and just ignore and interact with the nice people.

    3. I’m sorry, it is unfortunate if your FIL has managed to get his whole family mad enough they aren’t interested in a relationship with you and your husband. They did invite you, so I’d encourage you to focus on that. And the kids not liking it is neither here nor there.

    4. Most of my family was really snotty to everyone at my wedding, and, shockingly, refused to interact with my new in-laws. It hurt to see, and it was just awful that they chose to take their garbage out on other people, but I really hope that everyone would understand that they have problems.

    5. I went to a cousin’s wedding and my assigned seat was at the end of a table in the corner of the tent, and the tent flap hit my chair all night. People suck. Sorry.

      1. I wasn’t invited to my first cousins wedding because her mom and my dad had beef. She and I have never had any kind of fight and I’d invited her to my own wedding. It sucked.

  23. I’m in higher ed. I’m in a leadership training program all of this week. About 15 staff attend fall and spring–mostly mid-level (associate director-level) staff from across campus. There’s a nomination process, and the unit must agree to release the staffer for a full week. A nomination is typically part of succession planning or comes before an expected promotion. In my case, my supervisor is retiring, and I’m on the short list (no guarantee) to move into the directorship in my area.

    Seeking advice: How do I make the most of the opportunity? What are the important steps to take once I return to the office–not just changes within my team, but actions I can take to share what I’ve learned (and make sure that highers-up are aware of it?

    Has anyone taken a retreat-style university or corporate training like this?

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