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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 235 Comments · by

Thursday’s TPS Report: Cap-Sleeve Print-Inset Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Marc New York by Andrew Marc Cap-Sleeve Print-Inset DressLast Call has started its Columbus Day Sale early, offering an extra 30-40% off everything, and there are a lot of great picks (including a ton from Lafayette 148 New York, albeit outside of the price range for a Thursday TPS). Inside today's range (under $100), there is this lovely print-inset dress, which looks sure to be flattering. While it looks far too short in the picture, at 35″ long I'd bet it'll be fine on most women under 5'5″ or so. (I know we just talked about this in a TPS a few weeks ago but can't find the post.)  In any event, the price is definitely right:  it was $158, then marked to $119, but with the discount it comes down to $71.40. Lots of sizes still left. Marc New York by Andrew Marc Cap-Sleeve Print-Inset Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2) Update: THIS is the other 35″ dress I'm talking about, pictured on a model who's 5'5″. Incidentally it's on sale now for $260. Readers, when shopping online do you have lengths you like for dresses and skirts?  I tend to think of 35″+ as being normal for dresses, and 22″+ being optimal for skirts.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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Comments

  1. NOLA

    Interesting print! Also looks like they’re trying to mimic that famous Stella McCartney dress.

    • Cb

      There is something a bit magic eye about this. Or those oversize t-shirts with the bikini clad lady?

      • lia

        +1 – I don’t think this would be flattering on me. I think the black space is too big and the print is too small which would make it look like I was trying too hard to buy something slimming.

        • Sydney Bristow

          I think it sort of has the opposite of a slimming effect. Not sure why this one looks that way to me because other colorblocked dresses like this do look slimming.

        • Bonnie

          It’s not flattering on the model and probably would not be flattering on regular bodies.

      • Ellen

        Yay! The teck guy fixed my Apple computer to work with the Firm’s LAN so I can return the manageing partner’s computer with the sticky key’s to him. I agree it would NOT look flatering on all of us who are NOT as svelte as the print show’s. All the dark area OUTSIDE of the light print is where peeople would say we need to loose pound’s! I don’t even think ROSA would be abel to get away with staying only within the print area, and she is super svelte. Of course, she has a personal trainer come in 3X a week to her house in Chapaqua to do toneing exercises, and she take’s a ZOOMBA class nearby. FOOEY! b/c all I have time to do is to use my FITBIT, and b/c of the rain, I had to take the subway into work today! DOUBEL FOOEY!

        Grandma Leyeh is organizing a big spread for the relatives next week, but NOW I have a BIG DILLEMMA! The big dinner is the same nite that Willem invited me to the Barcleay’s Center. I have to ask the manageing partner what I should do. I do NOT want to bale on Willem now, b/c it is so close, but if I am to skip the big dinner, my family will be VERY mad, b/c many of the releatives, some from as far as Arizona, are comeing in for the big reunion. The one time I get a decent guy to invite me to a swanky affair at the Barcleay’s Center I have to deal with peeople from Budapest that I never knew existed before? Why does this ALWAYS have to hapen to me? I should be MARRIED already so I would NOT have to worry about these detail’s. That way, I could always say that I can/cannot make something b/c it conflict’s with something my HUSBAND already planned. FOOEY! If ONLEY I was ROSA, who use’s this line all the time blameing everything on Ed and his Company job. DOUBEL FOOEY!

        The manageing partner keep’s showeing me the SUPERLAWYERS Magazine and this picture of some guy inside he went to law school with who look’s EXACTELEY LIKE A FROG. He is mad that he is a superlawyer and the manageing partner is not. Now he wants me to nominate him for next year’s magazaine. FOOEY!

    • zora

      wow I think it’s gorgzh! I would totally try it out… and Kat is killing me with the dresses lately! killing. me.

  2. Zip it!

    So I have a pair of peep toe shoes that are zipped up in the back with functional zippers. M. Kors from Nordies. Well, when I walk, the pull of the zippers bounces up and down, making a clack-clack sound against the zipper. They are very comfortable heels, almost like walking in booties or sneakers. So I’d like to wear them often.

    Am I just supposed to ignore the noise? I wear them with skirts, not slacks.

    Maybe my office is far too quiet…

    Trying to stay “modern” so I just gotta know.

    • Preppy

      Can you put something like a teeny piece of moleskin on the underside of the pull (and maybe color it with a sharpie so it is not obvious against the metal)? That should dampen the noise.

      • Back Home

        Or maybe a tiny piece of the felt with a sticky backing that people put under furniture to keep the legs from scratching the floor? I have seen it in brown and black.

    • Wildkitten

      Someone complained about this earlier this week and the conclusion was to either tack the zip down or put a stitch in to sew it down.

      • Zip it!

        Ah. I have to unzip the back of the shoe to put it on/off.

        Thanks for the great ideas with felt etc.

        Always can count on the hive!

  3. preg 3L

    Confession/Follow-up: I washed my hair with dish soap twice. It helped somewhat, but it’s still pretty greasy. Should I turn to sulfate free shampoo? I couldn’t find the Suave clarifying shampoo that was recommended earlier this week.

    • LilyB

      I wouldn’t be overly aggressive in washing your hair because it might cause your scalp to produce more oil. What about washing it normally but using baby powder a couple times a day (and/or dry shampoo?)

      • preg 3L

        My hair is just.so.greasy and I can’t deal. Immediately upon blow-drying my hair after my shower, it’s a grease pit and I can’t wear my hair down. I don’t feel like any amount of baby powder or dry shampoo will help.

        • Circadian Screwup

          Not pregnant, but I sometimes have the same problem you describe. I’m going to try what the others have suggested and see what happens. Good luck to you!

    • Preppy

      Aveda has something (called Abundance of something similar, IIRC) that is an oil absorbing powder for hair. It blends pretty well into my brown hair (but other dry shampoos don’t or stained my skin). I bought some to the hospital when I delivered so I looked tolerable in pictures.

      Or just wear flannel and call it a grunge revival :)

    • L

      A couple of things. For being presentable I second LilyB’s comment about baby powder. I’d also STOP washing your hair with dish soap and do a really good deep conditioner on the ends. Over the weekend mix a little baking soda in with your regular shampoo and really get at your scalp and then condition as normal. The more you strip away your oil, the more your body is going to produce it.

      • preg 3L

        My ends look totally healthy! I feel like using a conditioner would just grease up the rest of my hair (which at this point is tolerable — it’s just the part on top of my head that’s disgusting). I’ll try using some baking soda this weekend, thank you!

        • A Nonny Moose

          You can use conditioner without putting it on your scalp. I only use it on the ends of my hair, whether I’m having a grease outbreak or not. Just apply to ends, let sit, and rinse.

    • gigi

      I’ve been using the L’Oreal Paris Ever Creme sulfate-free shampoo and conditioner, and I really like it. I found it my grocery store. I think it was $7 for a smallish container (8 oz), but a small amount goes a long way. Today I am sporting third day hair to work (meaning I haven’t washed it since Tuesday morning), and it looks healthy – not oily at all. This is huge for me – I used to shampoo every day and by the end of the day would look/feel a little greasy/oily especially by my scalp. Good luck!

        • tk1

          I use sulfate free because sulfates make my scalp very itchy. I haven’t noticed a difference in the way it affects my hair though. I have very thick hair, so oil production is rarely an issue.

        • Anonymous

          SLS (sodium laureth and sodium lauryl sulfates) are detergent agents that make shampoo foam up. They wash out certain silicone-containing products that require a strong detergent to wash out of certain hair types (some people will find SLS-free products will wash out most silicone) but also strips natural oil from your scalp and hair, which often causes your scalp to actually produce more oil to try to restore the moisture balance in your hair, thus making your hair even oilier. If you have naturally dry hair that doesn’t produce enough oil to begin with, SLS-containing shampoo will make it even drier. So for many people SLS-free products are a better choice. If you’re very attached to your styling products that can’t be washed out without SLS and/or you have relatively balanced hair, you might prefer a product with SLS.

          SLS-free products don’t cost more. Trader Joe’s only sells SLS-free shampoo, and their shampoos run around $3-4.

          • Anon in NYC

            SLS-related tangent/PSA: since childhood I’ve experienced frequent canker sores in my mouth that were really painful (impacting my ability to speak/eat) and would last for a week or more at a time. I mentioned it to my dental hygienist and she recommended SLS-free toothpaste, which has worked wonders. I now rarely get canker sores, they clear up faster, etc. I buy Tom’s of Maine SLS-free toothpaste.

            I honestly didn’t know this was a thing until about a year ago, but it has had such a positive impact on my day-to-day life. Hopefully someone else can benefit from this.

          • A Nonny Moose

            Costco (Kirkland) shampoos + conditioners are sulfate free, I believe, and are not expensive.

          • Houston Attny

            A Nonny Moose, can you tell me more about the Kirkland shampoo/conditioner? Are you pleased with scent, that it doesn’t strip your hair, etc? I’ve never tried them but would certainly give it a go. Thanks!

          • Humdilly

            @Houston Attny: I use the Kirkland brand. I think it’s a moisturizing one. I love the scent, feels very luxe salon to me. I have pretty thick resilient hair so I can’t speak to it striping the hair as much but I’m a fan of how my hair feels.

          • A Nonny Moose

            I only use the conditioner, because I haven’t finished my old shampoo yet. I really like it, though, and will be trying out the shampoo when I kick this (gigantic) bottle I’m working my way through. My hair is very soft and doesn’t get frizzy or dried out with the conditioner. My hair is also pretty low-maintenance, though– not colored or permed, and I only heat style it once a week or so.

          • Houston Attny

            Humdilly & A Nonny Moose, thank you! I will definitely try it. I know Costco has a liberal return policy, but your descriptions and endorsements make me feel better about switching. Thanks!

        • gigi

          I switched shampoos when I became pregnant. There is some info out there that one of the sulfates (I think SLS?) may be a carcinogen, although the FDA says it is safe. It was one of those things that seemed easy to change (for me), and I ended up liking the sulfate-free shampoo even better than what I had been using.

          Note this is coming from a lady who has manicured nails and is thoroughly enjoying her coffee (in moderation) while 5 months pregnant. So clearly I am picking and choosing about what to change / care about!

      • Charlotte

        So I have started using the sulfate-free EverPure line from L’Oreal, and it’s only been a week, but I *can’t* say I’m a fan. I have already stopped using the conditioner, because it left my hair feeling strawlike and weighted down, and it was strong-smelling. Plus, it was like I couldn’t rinse it totally off, so it would rub off on my hands even after drying. I am still using the shampoo, but it’s not stopping the mild itching I have by the second day, and it’s very heavy, too; plus, it’s doing less than my other shampoo to control oil. In fact, it makes it feel like I have dry shampoo in — not a feeling I like. I’m trying to decide whether to stick it out a month or just cut my losses now.

        • Carrie Preston

          I use it and love it, but for me it was an immediate thing – my hair was amazing after the first wash, so if you’re not liking it, my vote would be dump it.

        • P Funk

          I’ve noticed that the different Ever lines have different effects on my hair. The Ever Sleek made my hair brittle and dry (I think I made it a couple of weeks before I gave up), but the Ever Creme and the Ever Curl have been fantastic. So I would cut my losses if you’re not loving the Ever Pure, but one of the other lines may work for you.

        • Anonymous

          I haven’t heard great things about the L’Oreal line. I really love the Trader Joe’s nourish line and have several other friends who love it too.

          It is normal for hair to get oilier for a couple weeks after starting an SLS free regime, because your hair’s been producing more oil to counteract the effects of the detergent shampoo. It should balance out within a couple of weeks, assuming that you’re not using any products that leave buildup.

    • Anon

      My teenage daughter had super oily hair right when she started going through puberty. We went to Sally’s and got a clarifying shampoo called ION and also got a generic tea tree oil shampoo and conditioner. She used the clarifying shampoo once or twice a week and the tea tree oil shampoo and conditioner daily. It really worked to clear up the greasiness!

    • Ada

      Sulfate-free shampoos are useless in my oily hair. I think they’re probably good for curly hair, but if you have fine or thin straight hair use a clarifying shampoo and maybe some type of vinegar rinse on occasion.

      • preg 3L

        Thank you! My hair is super fine, fairly thin, and basically straight. So maybe that’s why some highly recommended remedies aren’t working for me! I’ll try to find a clarifying shampoo, but I looked pretty extensively earlier this week (before resorting to dish soap) and everything I could find was “volumizing” or “adding shine” or “strengthening”. I feel like those descriptors imply greasing up your hair, which is obviously not the direction I need to go. I can try Trader Joe’s but there’s no Costco I can get to in NYC.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          Oh but there is! We have a Costco in Astoria. Take the N/Q to Broadway and walk west about 15-20 minutes. It’s right on the river by Socrates Sculpture Park. Of course, you need a membership, which is another problem, but maybe they have some sort of guest pass? I just go for the frozen yogurt and alcohol, which don’t require membership.

          • anonfish

            Oh yeah. Astoria/LIC. Duh. And they have liquor. Go there! And there’s one in Bklyn too but that one probably is tough to get to without a car.

        • anonfish

          There are a few Costcos in NYC that are accessible by public transportation- one in Harlem and one in Rego Park, Queens. Sure, not midtown, but not inaccessible. But you would obviously need a card or to go with a member.

        • A Nonny Moose

          I found the Suave one at CVS. I had to hunt for it– I spent about 20 minutes in the shampoo aisle. But otherwise there is always amazon/soap dot com.

    • C, Esq.

      I went through a similar issue when we moved–the water quality must have been different, I guess. Anyways, I used Fekkai Apple Cider Vinegar Clarifying Shampoo, and it immediately resolved the issue. It’s kind of pricey, but if you don’t want to spend that much, maybe a plain old apple cider vinegar rinse would help?

    • Mighty Mouse

      Has anyone mentioned Dove dry shampoo? Of all of the DS, I find it to be most “drying.” In fact, I wash on Day 1, DS 2nd day and do absolutely nothing on the 3rd (except quick blow out refresher w hair dryer). And I am also more greasy these days due to pregnancy. My shampoo of choice these days is Yes to Carrots scalp relief (tea tree oil) followed by Aussie 3min miracle on the length of the hair. I just do a quick tousle through the roots right before I rinse. I guess that I wash twice a week now.

  4. AEK

    PSA (for anyone who doesn’t have the ad displayed here): Urban Decay has 20% off everything, including the Naked Palettes, with code FFHOLIDAY13.

    • lia

      For local offices that I haven’t followed the race at all I go to campaign finance website, get the ballot, google each candidate and read any endorsements from newspapers and/or organizations I generally agree with. If that doesn’t convince me I go to the candidate’s website and look at their position on an issue I care about but one that won’t be obvious from their party (e.g. traffic calming measures for a local dem.). The whole thing takes about max 45 minutes and feels totally worth it.

        • Sydney Bristow

          My boyfriend is a city bureaucrat, so for the first time a local election will have a very direct impact on my life. Especially because one of the candidates has a strong view on his department. It’s a weird place to be in. I normally pay attention, research candidates (and ballot initiatives when I lived in a different state), and vote but I’m feeling much more intense about this one. Local elections tend to impact people’s lives more than statewide or federal elections, but I’ve never felt it so directly.

  6. preg anon

    Does anybody know of some good children’s books that you think would be good for boys but that feature a female lead? All of the girl books are SO written for girls.

      • preg anon

        Yes, we have Olivia and it is one of the most delightful and charming books I have ever read! I adore it. My babe is just an infant right now, but we’re already reading to him, so it’s on my mind.

      • Preppy

        For that age, I’ve found that the Eric Carle books are delightful and seem to have no mention of gender. I’m not as crazy about the Dora / Diego books we’ve had thus far (I like the show better). For a very young age, the Runaway Bunny has a mommy bunny as the main character. The baby bunny runs away all the time (cannot remember if the gender was stated — I am thinking it might be a boy). In Beatrix Potter, the animals have genders.

    • shortiek

      Madeline!
      The Paperbag Princess might also be good. Dragons and sword fights.

      • Houston Attny

        LOVE The Paperbag Princess. Robert Munsch has some great female characters. (Stephanie’s Ponytail is also funny and smart.)

    • Anonymous

      Matilda, Madeleine, maybe the All-of-a-Kind family? I also liked the Bobbsey Twins and The Boxcar Children, which have equal numbers of boy and girl protagonists.

    • CKB

      I seem to remember Jillian Jiggs books being not TOO girly. We have at least one, and I’m the mom of all boys. About a girl who tries to do what she’s supposed to, but things tend to run away with her. Basically a girl version of my youngest son – lol.

    • In the Pink

      In no particular order/age group:

      1001 Arabian Nights
      Mrs. Piggle Wiggle
      Mary Poppins
      historical biographies – you pick the person (H. Tubman is often a school assignment)
      “Brave” the Pixar movie one
      Harry Potter series has lots of protagonists, know your age and audience though
      The Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basic E. Frankweiler
      Charlotte’s Web

      • In the Pink

        sigh – Basil E. Frankweiler

        also maybe the Secret of N.I.M.H.

        If the child is old enough, check out the listings of Caldecott Medal Winners.

        • In the Pink

          Does “Mary Ann” the steam shovel in the classic – Mike Mulligan and Mary Anne series count?

          Perhaps we should ask Godzilla! Rawr.

        • zora

          omg YES. These were my favorite books to read over and over when I was younger.. I still have them, just saw my copies when I was rearranging my bookshelf the other day and I am dying to read them again.

          Also, all of Mercedes Lackey’s books have awesome, butt-kicking women characters.

      • In House Lobbyist

        My 3 yr old boy is obsessed with Brave. He loves the bears, bow and arrow and horses and its a great non-traditional princess book. I’ve already bought several for boys and girls. He also loves Dora. He had recently gotten into superheroes and I got him Wonder Woman which he loves as much as Batman.

    • mascot

      Swallows and Amazons (old British series about kids and outdoor adventures)
      A Wrinkle in Time and other L’Engle books

      Also look at the Newbery Medal and Caldecott Medal lists for ideas.

    • Senior Attorney

      Charlotte’s Web! Wilbur is a boy pig, but Charlotte is female, of course, and so is Fern, the farm girl.

      • Nonny

        But be careful! My sister, who has always loved animals, cried and cried after reading this book because of what happened to Charlotte and ultimately the pigs. So if you have sensitive children you may need to work up to this.

    • j

      Island of the Blue Dolphins, for slightly older children (maybe 7-9?)
      Caddie Woodlawn was one of my favorites as a child and has a hilarious pun I still remember 25+ years later -“if at first you fricasee, fry, fry a hen!”

    • ArenKay

      Mo Willems books are fabulous for babies and toddlers, and several of them (the Knuffle Bunny trilogy) have a hilarious girl at the center. For slightly older little kids, his Elephant and Piggie books are also good (Piggie is a girl).

    • SV in House Paging kpadi

      Beverly Cleary’s Ramona series; the Magic Treehouse series features a brother and sister. These are for slightly older kids, though.

    • Anon

      If younger, we like Three Ninja Pigs (the hero is the sister, a Kill Bill-inspired ninja) and the Frances books. Owl Moon’s protagonist is ungendered but I think it’s a girl. Totally second the Kevin Henkes suggestion, although not limited to his Lily books. For older, what about Ramona Quimby books, Mathilda and the BFG, the Little House on the Prarie series, or the Borowers books?

    • NWanalyst

      For slightly older/precocious children, anything by Robin McKinley is fantastic. For grade school children, I second the recommendations of Charlotte’s Web and Island of the Blue Dolphins. My Name is not Angelica is also fabulous, but the content is heavy; there may be other books by Scott O’Dell with female leads, but I’d recommend anything by that author as well.

    • Calibrachoa

      In the 9 to 14 section around here, they have Skulduggery Pleasant series by Derek Landy which is absolutely excellent and features a female protagonist with a lot of other well rounded women of various kinds around. These books are amazing and also totally readable as a grown-up too. (Who me have the whole series? Why yes, except my ex-roommate stole the first 3)

  8. Diana Barry

    I am wearing the “Alexa Dress” from Boden today, and it is 39.25″ long. I would like it to be a skosh longer, because it hits just above the knee and rides up a bit when I sit down, but just shows how YMMV – I am 5’8″.

    As an aside, this is the first time I’ve worn a regular size, non-pumping-friendly dress to work in over 2 years! I just stopped pumping for the last time…sad that baby is getting older but I am not sad not to have to lug the pump parts to work every day!

    • Another S

      Congrats! I’ve got another half year before I reach my pumping goal (although I will hopefully meet my weight loss goal before then) but I’m already looking forward to wearing dresses again!

    • OHCFO

      Mazel tov! It’s quite liberating not to have to worry about “functional” clothing for work. I remember once not quite thinking things through in a sleep-deprived haze one morning and wearing a dress so awkward that I had to almost completely disrobe in order to pump.

      And yeah, it’s bittersweet, to be done with the baby phase, but the growing up parts are pretty awesome too (says the mom of a nearly 5 year old who patted my now deflated chest the other day as she sn.

    • Associette

      On that note – how do you guys manage pumping at work? Do you carry a cooler? Put the milk in the work fridge in a concealed bag? I will be starting this endeavor soon and have no idea about the mechanics of it all.

      • Diana Barry

        Thanks all!

        I think we have posted about this before, but this is what I did:

        – pump is in the office concealed by a blanket (I have a hospital grade pump);
        – I brought pump parts to work each day and wiped them out in between uses, but no washing. I occasionally rinsed the bottles if reusing them for another session.
        – The door to my office locks. ESSENTIAL.
        – Pumped milk goes into my lunch bag and then into the office fridge. Lunch bag is opaque (LL Bean). If my lunch bag was already in the fridge, I would put the bottle of milk in a business size envelope, seal it, and then walk it over to the fridge and put it in the lunch bag.
        – I would wait until the end of the day at home and then put all of the bottles together in the freezer bags because you’re not supposed to mix milk of different temperatures. Swirl gently around in the bottle to dislodge the cream since you’re not supposed to shake it.

        Kellymom dot com has a ton of useful advice, including the time limits for milk; I think it is 4 hrs for fresh, 8 hrs for fridge, but I could be wrong.

      • Maddie Ross

        I use am insulated lunch bag and just put it in the fridge at work. I only generally pump once a day at work so take it over after I pump and then grab it at the end of the day. Since it’s only in the car with me briefly and then back in the fridge at home, I usually do not mess with ice packs, etc. I’m pretty non-apologetic about my pumping, so I unabashedly walk through the office with my cooler. Some people may feel differently, but it just doesn’t bother me. (Similarly, I almost never worry about what I’m wearing to work for pumping purposes. I frequently sit in my office topless or with my dress around my waist. I do have a solid door that locks and only windows to the outside though obviously.)

        • Diana Barry

          Side note: you may need to wear extra clothes if your office is cold. I could never get enough milk if I was cold and my office is frequently cold.

  9. shortiek

    I recently got a beautiful light grey leather jacket secondhand but it has two makeup stains and could use a good cleaning overall. I’m sort of at a loss of where to start and don’t want to do anything that would alter the color. Suggestions?

    • Orangerie

      I’d start by asking a nicer department store in your area if they can recommend a specialty cleaner. I found a cognac leather jacket on sale at Nordstrom, but it had a small pen mark on the lapel. It was the last in my size so I bought it anyway and they recommended (and paid for) a high end dry cleaner that was able to remove the stain completely without doing any damage to the leather. I would have never known about that place without the referral!

      • Anonymous

        I second this. Nordstrom will either be able to arrange cleaning themselves or recommend someone.

    • Susedna

      No, you’re not the only one. I am generally not a fan of obvious colorblocking-for-slimming purposes, and even less of a fan when the colorblocking is really poorly placed.

      The part where the print nips in for the “waist” illusion is too high up, and makes one look like one has a really short waist and a really round belly. Fine if that’s what you want to look like, but looks weird to me.

      • Ellie

        Susedna, I found out I agree with almost all of your comments. Even I do not post very often, I find myself nodding automatically when I read them, mostly even before I’ve noticed your moniker! Keep writing your comments, I really appreciate reading them – and I like nodding silently when I’m sitting in front of my screen.

        • Susedna

          Thanks for your kind words, Ellie. They’re very much appreciated.

          I do hope that you’ll post now and then. I have learned so much here from the other posters from agreeing to disagreeing. Plus, I’ve picked up so many neat & useful facts to file away. It’s good to see a lot of posts here — they add to the treasure trove of knowledge and human experience!

    • klh

      Yeah, it reminds me of Barney (the dinosaur). It’s a good idea but missed the mark.

  11. Chicago recs

    Chicago ladies – do you or does anyone you know live in North Harbor Tower? It’s this luxury high rise community north of Millennium Park. Considering renting there but confused because this past year, the yelp reviews are really bad. They seem to be awesome in 2012 and suddenly changed and I can’t figure out if this is legit or some sort of a smear campaign. Thanks!

    • roses

      I don’t have any specific knowledge of that community, but you might want to look into whether it changed management companies and/or whether the management company also gets bad reviews. I lived in a place in Chicago that did a 180 and became terrible when a new management company came in.

  12. Paging TO Lawyer

    Susedna here. I hope you got your project done for your 9AM presentation! As a fellow (occasional) sufferer of late-nights in the office, I empathize.

    • TO Lawyer

      Awe thank you. And thank you to all the ladies who commented on my post last night. I work with an unbelievably last minute lawyer so I should be used to the crunch by now but when I’m staring down the barrel, it always seems unmanageable. I didn’t finish last night unfortunately, but I got more done in an hour this morning than I did in the last 3 hours last night. SO looking forward to the long weekend…

  13. Turducken

    So, I know it’s super early to be thinking of Thanksgiving, but I’m procrastinating.

    This year will be my first time hosting Thanksgiving at our house (instead of the in-laws), and I’m thinking of making a turducken. Has anyone done it using the Serious Eats “Ultimate Turducken” method? Is it do-able for a novice? Do you think I’m running too much risk and should just go with a normal turkey?

    From research, people seem to agree that the normal method (where you bake 3 raw birds with bread stuffing) is pretty dry and bad. The Serious Eats method seems good, but involves a lot of steps, and if I’m going to be getting up at 6AM to make this thing, it better turn out well! :)

    • Senior Attorney

      I do think that’s a little ambitious for your first Thanksgiving. There are a lot of logistics involved in even the standard turkey dinner. My suggestion is to do a regular turkey this year, figure out what works and what doesn’t in the larger scheme of things, and then wow ’em with the turducken next year.

      Good luck and congratulations! Taking over Thanksgiving is a big deal!!

      • Turducken

        Thanks!

        So the good thing that I forgot to point out is that I am a novice TG hostess, but I am a very experienced home cook. I’ve also made several small turkey dinners for my husband and me, but there’s usually no time constraint on those (in the sense that we can eat whenever we want). I said this below, but I feel like the first time you do a turkey, there’s a 90% chance it will turn out well…but I feel like it’s maybe only 50% with the turducken…so tempted to do this though!

        • Senior Attorney

          I think hosting Thanksgiving is less about the cooking and more about the hostessing. Getting everything on the table at the same time, reasonably hot, is verra verra challenging! If you use your wedding china and try to set a nice table, that is a surprising amount of work in and of itself. Add in any family dynamics and it can be pretty stressful.

          My best tip? Set the table the night before, including serving dishes, and put a post-it on each serving dish indicating what food it’s going to be used for. People laugh at my post-it notes, but since I started using them I haven’t had to deal with any dishes forgotten in the kitchen after dinner was over! (I’m looking at you, corn pudding left in the microwave in 2007!)

          • Anon

            That’s what my mom does! It comes off a little OCD, but damned if she doesn’t off Thanksgiving every year with a gigantic turkey and upwards of 10 sides, plus several pies from scratch. She also makes a schedule: 9:15, prep turkey, 9:20 turkey in oven, 10 blanche green beans, etc., right up until the turkey gets carved and put on the table. She’s a crazy, crazy Thanksgiving genius.

    • mascot

      If you are set on the novelty of a turducken, you can order it pre-assembled and then just cook it yourself. We outsourced our turkey to Fresh Market last year and it was really good. It wasn’t much more expensive than buying a bird and going through the hassle of brine/baste/cook.

      • Turducken

        I’m thinking of getting a pre-deboned one from a butcher shop near me, so it’s not put together yet, but most of the annoying work is done. I am more worried that there’s only a 50% chance the turducken would turn out well, whereas there’s a 90% chance the turkey will.

          • Anne Shirley

            I would be sad :(. Thanksgiving is the only time of year I get a full turkey.

          • Susedna

            I’d think that those who love turkey, will have turkey to eat. Those who like chicken, same. And those who like duck, also have what they want. The gluttons like me, who like all three, might be happiest of all, though…

          • Turducken

            They seem pretty excited, but this is a good sense check to remind me to ask them honestly and not let my own excitement overpower things.

    • I'm Just Me

      Kind of late to this, but dh and I made a turducken 3 years ago and it was a huge hit. We used a few different pages from the the internets and kind of winged our way through it. He’s always suggesting we do another one, but I think once every 5 years would be good. The time consuming parts were done on Wednesday so Thursday it only had to go into the oven. We deboned our own birds.

    • SoCalAtty

      It might be a little much, but if you plan carefully and watch your timing you should be ok. Cook’s Illustrated has tons of articles on hosting / timing a thanksgiving dinner. You may want to outsource for the first one, because the brine process is really time consuming.

      I think it was my third thanksgiving dinner that I hosted that I finally felt it all went perfectly. Setting the table the night before, and the post-it notes, are GREAT ideas!!

      I also always run out of oven space – I make serious use of my toaster oven, and sometimes even do a giant pot of potatoes outside on my big gas camping burner.

      Try to recruit a clean-up crew. It is incredible to see, but you’ll have every single dish and pot you own dirty. Most importantly – have fun!!

  14. Billable hours woes

    I’m a paralegal at a law firm with a completely reasonable billable hour requirement, but there simply isn’t enough work to do. Even if I billed over 8 hours a day from now until December 31, I would only just barely make my target, but as it stands, I’ll be lucky to bill 4-5 hours per day. Does anyone have any advice as to how to deal with this? Is it okay for me to take vacation over Christmas to see my family (whom I haven’t seen since last Christmas) even though that would lower my hours even further? I’ve already taken two weeks vacation, but the norm at our firm (in a good year) is three weeks plus. Thanks in advance for any advice, but I’ll take commiseration too…

    • Anonymous

      I would recommend being proactive. Speak to your supervisor now about your concerns about meeting your targets. Ask if there will be consequences, and if there are consequences, what they are. Tell your supervisor that you are billing about 4-5 hours a day and don’t have the work to bill more. They may be able to shuffle some work around. It always looks better when you go to them about the hours thing then if they have to come to you. As for the vacation, I would wait and see how the conversation with your supervisor goes and gauge from there.

      • Billable hours woes

        The problem is that my supervisors seem unable to believe I don’t have enough work or they say “oh, things will pick up again when ___.” Plus, my boss reviews my hours every month (standard procedure) and knows exactly what I’m billing at all times. I’ve tried telling them in a variety of ways over the last year, such as asking for more work, indicating I’m worried about my hours, etc., but it seems to have had absolutely zero impact. The good news is that they really like my work because I do it really well when it’s there, so I don’t think I’m in any immediate danger, but I’m just worried nonetheless. I also don’t know if I’ll be ineligible for a holiday bonus now.

        • Anon

          Anonymous is recommending being more direct than you’ve already been. You’ve said that you’re concerned about your hours, but have you asked outright if you’ll be bonus eligible if you miss your target or if you’re in danger of losing your job? Do you know if other paralegals at your seniority/in your practice area are also having trouble meeting hours?

      • TBK

        +1 You might also be able to shake loose some back-burner projects that were put aside because people were busy with other things. Ideally these will be billable. There may also be some non-billable things that will still help the firm. To the extent that there are consequences for not hitting your target but there just aren’t enough billable hours, see whether some of the consequences could be mitigated since you’re showing initiative and trying to work hard. In the long term, though, can you tell if this is a temporary lull or whether there’s something really wrong with the firm? If you consistently can’t find enough work, you might need to think about finding a new job.

        • Billable hours woes

          I just typed out a response and Corporette ate it, ugh. What I was going to add was that I’m actively searching for a new job, but haven’t had any luck yet. Our work has been slow in our limited practice area all year, but I think it might pick up in 2014. I’ve already done lots of little projects here and there that were previously on the back burner, but I’ll keep trying to find more. I want to do the job well as long as I’m here, but the frustration of wanting to work and literally having nothing to do is really wearing on me. Thanks, ladies.

  15. Anon

    Hello ladies, I need some advice dealing with a co-worker.I am an engineer (software /hardware) in a very big company. I have 6.5 years of experience.I work mostly in the lab (I have a cube which I almost never use) where there is absolutley no privacy. It is rows of long tables (lab bench) where every one sits in a row and works.I joined a new team 2.5 months back and have a very hard time dealing with a co-worker.He is 2 years less experienced than me and also younger to me.But he is more experienced than me in the current team. Hence he has more knowledge, more contacts than me. But he is extremely arrogant and cunning. What makes it harder is he is smart and works hard.So it is not possible to just ignore him. This is not only my opinion, I have discussed this with another worker (lady much much senior to me). She is of the same opinion as I am.I have listed some of his behaviour which drives me crazy.

    As I am new to this team, I am dependent on people for information. And it is a very small team (4 engineers including me, one person works in India). Hence he is the main source of information. The fact that causes me frustration is he doesn’t give me the information I need to ramp up. Or he gives me what I need in bits and pieces which makes me constantly dependent on him. He doesn’t tell me whom I should contact for certain things.He contacts the person and send the information for me so that I remain dependent on this guy. I ran into an issue two weeks after I joined this new team.I knew he has solved the problem. I asked him how did he go about solving it (so that I can learn). His answer was “I worked on the weekend”. Well..I
    didn’t ask him if he worked on the weekend and he never told me how he debugged it. Later I came to know that he didn’t solve it…He got the answer from some one else.I have tried to handle this by asking me to include me in the email conversation or by telling him that I want to be in the meeting etc. The situation has gotten better with time as I know more now than when I joined the team.I have a feeling that he cannot do this for ever and it will subside once I get to know more people.

    He makes all the announcements even though he didn’t do the job. It happened to me a couple of days back. I was doing something where there was no clear division of work. I did it first and I was excited because I was becoming more and more independent. As I finished the task first, I was helping others. He asked me what all I did. I told him. He sent out a status email to our manager and higher ups.He didn’t say who did the work. He just said what was completed. Everyone was thanking him for the amazing progress etc etc. I was furious but I learnt a lesson. I am going to send the status update as soon as the work is done before telling others verbally what has been completed.

    He can hijack some one else’s work and claim as his own. I knew this from the other senior lady. He wants to take up tasks that give him high visibility.If some one else takes it, he will somehow takes it over (in the guise of helping or asking status or asking him to be added to the email chain) and makes his own and he will push the person who initially worked on the issue aside.He was not present for a couple of days last week.Some issue came up which I volunteered to solve. This issue is very critical and needs to be solved urgently . If we solve this issue, it is something which makes the person (in this case me) highly visible and I will get a lot of credit. After I started the work,all of us had to go to a week long business trip.I met him in the business trip and he told me that my manager has informed him that I am working on the critical issue. He said “we should do it..let’s work together”. It was a red flag for me. I wanted to return to our home office and start working on this issue when he is still in business trip so that I can safe guard my work. I called my manager and told him that I have finished my part of the work in the business trip and want to come back. He agreed to it. But everything went so smoothly that even he came back. I had to start the drill of protecting my work again. I didn’t include him in the emails.Whenever he came and asked me the status (by the way he is not my manager, but open lab environment makes these things easy), I will update him when there is any progress etc. I am almost at the stage where the issue is solved (yaaayyyyy!!!). I made sure that I made announcements in email first.But dealing with this person has caused me so much stress that my neck and shoulder muscles were hurting whole of yesterday. It caused me more stress than the issue that solving (which was actually fun).

    He can be very intimidating. He statements are like “I don’t know why he/she is asking us to do this. It is useless”, “You are wrong”, “I worked on it till 4 AM and solved it”, “I have completed it over the weekend”, “If you are ambitious, you would do this”. Initially, I didn’t know how to deal with this. I am trying to stand my ground. He needed some information yesterday. I had that information, I gave him. He tried it and said “your solution is wrong”, my answer for “it is working for me. You can find some other solution that suits you”.

    I think my manager has some idea about this. He asked me during our 1:1 meeting that I must be having some difficulty with him. I told him what I wrote in the second paragraph here.He looks like he understands. But he never confronts this guy. When I defend myself in the meeting when this guy confronts me, my manager appears to be scared. So this guy is not used to be confronted by anyone. He has been the king in the team.

    Work is very challenging and I will directly work with the customers (the experience I want to get), but I am totally stressed out. Sometimes I just cannot sleep because I am worried that he will do something when I am asleep. So I keep checking emails. Also I just cannot look for a job now as everyone will ask me for the reason I am looking for a new job. I will be very busy today so I will check back this evening.I appreciate any advice to deal with the situation or your experiences dealing with these people. Sorry for the long post.Thanks in advance.

    • Anon

      Just wondering – do you work in the Denver Metro area? I feel like I might know which company you work for if so…

    • Susedna

      Is he your peer or is he a team-leader (“first amongst equals”, whatever that means)?

      Is he truly the only source of this information that you need?

      Are the other engineers able to tell you the info or give you contact names?

      Have you point-blank asked him for the contacts, telling him that you need to be able to contact these people, and realistically, he can’t do everything himself. If he gets hit by a bus, everything will fall apart, and that’s not what he really wants, does he? (Only if he’s truly idiotic would he say yes. Even though it sounds like he’s only in it for himself, you might be able to reason him into agreeing that it’s best for the company to have some backup, and therefore, if he’s the star employee that he thinks he is, then he should do what’s good for te company and give you the contacts and info you need.)

      Is there an org chart or a bigger contact list? Can your manager get the contact names and info for you? If not, can your manager’s manager help?

    • BB

      So you don’t seem to be getting many replies unfortunately, and your problem sounds pretty awful. I think you’re doing the right things but just be more systematic about them: 1) Build your own network within the company. If you’re at a tech co., I’d bet that they have a women’s group that does events where you can meet people who may be useful later. 2) Be very careful what you say to this guy. Have canned responses you can draw on when he asks you for help or what you’re doing. 3) Keep him at arm’s length as much as possible. Don’t get drawn into his projects as much as you can help it. 4) Realize that people like him who steal others’ work and is generally uncollaborative won’t get very far at most companies (especially large ones). Focus on your own work and your network and you will bypass him very soon. He clearly already has a bad reputation. Good luck!

      • Anon

        For certain tasks, he is the only person whom I can ask. But for others, I am getting to know the people now which has reduced my dependency on him a bit. Sometimes I have made consious effort and spoken senior people even though I could have asked this guy for
        information just to build a relationship with the senior members so that I can bypass him. i had booked a conference room to talk to the senior engineer just to avoid being stalked by this guy. But me and senior engineer were both in the lab just before the meeting began and we started having discussion in the lab. He got very curious (or may be insecure) about me talking to the other person. He walked over to us and checked on what we were doing. Then the senior engineer answered just one word “Nothing”, this guy walked away.

        It takes me a bit longer than many other people to build a network because I am a very introverted person and I have difficulty introducing myself to others when there is really nothing going on because I will have no idea what to say/do next. Generally I get to know people as and when needed and build and maintain mutually respectful and beneficial network. I have done this in my previous team.

        I have been thinking of somehow asking my manager to assign me to tasks where I don’t have to work with him. But it has to be conveyed very delicately so that I don’t come across as a person who is not a team player. I have been thinking about the words I use, sentences I can say when I do this.

        Hopefully situation improves with time…Thank you so much for replying me.

        • Susedna

          Hey, what a tough situation. And I feel your pain (re: introversion.) I’m an introvert who’s learned to cope with an extrovert-dominated work environment (finance places in the greater NYC area.)

          Good on you for trying to reach out to others for info.

          I like your idea of asking your manager to assign you to tasks where you don’t always have to work with him. Perhaps one way to word it is, “Hi X[your manager’s name], I’m still kind of new to the organization, and while Mr.Arrogant-Sneakypants and I have done some good collaborating on projects, I’d welcome the chance to work with others, too. I think it’d be good for my development to help N, P, and Q with their projects now and then, too.”

          Both you and your manager may still know that one of the reasons is to avoid Sneakypants, but if you couch it in terms of development, broadening the teamwork, etc. your manager may be more likely to greenlight it.

          Good luck and hang in there! Keep us updated and I hope things get better!

    • Samazon

      I’m also a female scientist in CA and have been in a similar situation. I’m wondering, are you the only female on the team? In my case I was, and it took me a while to realize that the colleague terrorizing me only did it to females. If so, you may be able to gain advocates in management and/or HR if the problem is framed as a mysogeny issue. Obviously I don’t know the culture of your company, but that’s a way move forward if nothing else is working.

      As far as actually dealing with the guy, I’d suggest:

      1) Keep extensive records. It’s important to document all the work you are doing; if he takes credit for something you will be able to support yourself with the evidence. This includes writing down nasty things he says to you, date, time, and noting any witnesses.

      2) Be aggressive in taking credit for your own work. It sounds like you already started doing this, which is good. But you could go even further, if you’re comfortable. For example, I might email my manager and let her know “I completed A, B and C this week; will this require updating of Z documentation as well?” or some random question, so she knows it was me that did it *before* the item is officially complete. As long as you have documentation to back it up.

      3) I agreed with Susedna that you should be direct and firm when talking with him. Ask for the info in front of others, which may make it more difficult for him to delay you. Also, you could try making a list of what you need and emailing him, with a more senior team member or (if you’re bold) a manager cc’d.

      4) Don’t let his bad attitude infect you. This kind of nasty approach can spread, but you are better than him! And you WILL persevere. Always maintain a calm demeanor, treat other team members with respect, and maintain your high quality of work. Management will notice.

      Good luck, I hope this is helpful.

      • Susedna

        Samazon, these are such good pieces of advice.

        I’d add that one of the issues is that a lot of STEM folks (introverts who want to focus on their work, and not on politics or personnel matters), are so busy, well, focusing on their work that all it takes is one Pushy Political Operator (“PPO”) to take advantage.

        He (usually, it’s a he, sadly), will note that people are too busy to question him and so he slowly begins to consolidate power or control communication. Senior management may find it efficient to have 1 person being a spokesperson for the group even if PPO isn’t actually in an official position of leadership.

        They begin to rely on him, and begin to think that he’s more capable than the rest. None of this is right, but structurally, it’s very easy for this sort of thing to happen. It’s even easier when actual management (like the OP’s boss) are wimps who are afraid of the PPO personality. I am always amazed when I learn in many off these situations that the PPO has little to no official power.

  16. Would you be offended?

    A friend I’ve known since college (we are now almost 40) will be getting engaged soon. She told me that she instructed her boyfriend to get a ring “exactly” like mine “except the diamonds should go all the way around the band” (my engagement and wedding band are pave on all sides with a small amount on the underside of your finger without diamonds to allow for sizing. I’m really annoyed. I feel like not only can I not have anything in life just mine but she’s almost insinuating my husband cheaped out somehow. I feel like she’s been trying to one up me since college. The worst is, I can’t vent to DH, because I think he would be super pissed. I know I need to get over it. But would you be offended? Just kills me to think I’ll see her wearing something that looks just like my settting every time I see her.

    • HM

      Imitation is the highest form of flattery.

      Truly, I sort of understand where you are coming from — I have a rather unique, but classic/vintage styled engagement ring, and so many people have commented they now “want one just like it!” I can see where her behavior is annoying, but try to take it as a compliment to you and your husband’s good taste.

    • Diana Barry

      Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let it go. And stop hanging out with her if she is annoying you.

    • Silvercurls

      1. +1 to Preppy. (You’re allowed to think unblessing thoughts as long as you don’t say them.)
      2. If this is the best she can do in the department of Life Achievements, relax, let it go, and let karma handle it.
      3. You have many things in life that are yours alone, starting with what I assume is your disinclination to live like this “friend” (meaning that you _don’t_ compare every aspect of your life to that of someone else.)
      4. Suggestion: In future, don’t see her so often.

    • Anonymous

      No, if anything be complimented. There must be more back story to this because this is a huge overreaction. if you hate her so much do the fade and don’t see her so you won’t see the setting. There is nothing offensive about her preference for diamonds all the way around. that part isn’t even that much of a difference price wise. Id be one thing if she said “just like yours but with a bigger/better center stone”

    • ss

      Well, you know best whether your friend is being provocative, but I’d be rather flattered if someone wanted to reproduce my design and would not take take it as criticism if they tweaked a bit.

      • Susedna

        Ss, that’s my reaction, too. I would not assume she was trying to one-up me – just that she was trying not to be too creepily copying (a la Bridget Fonda movie “Single White Female”)

    • Orangerie

      Is your setting fairly unique? I don’t think it’s offensive to want a simple setting with pave diamonds on the band, even if that’s exactly what you have, since that’s a really common style of ring. Maybe her husband has a better visual memory so she just used your ring as an example instead of describing it?

      I also don’t think her wanting the diamonds to go all the way around the band insinuates anything about your husband cheaping out. It’s just her preference, the same way you prefer yours to allow room for sizing.

      • Anon in NYC

        I agree. Sounds like a pretty common ring style these days. To be honest, up until my engagement (and even during it) that was the exact ring style I wanted. Simple pave eternity band (diamonds all the way around the band) with a round center stone. It was virtually identical to what one of my friends had, and I wasn’t trying to copy her. My husband had other ideas. I think you’re reading too much into her comment that she wants the diamonds to go all the way around the band. It’s just what she wants.

        On a related point, I had a friend who got engaged/married before I did and she has a beautiful-for-her engagement ring with that halo around the center diamond. Not at all my style and I specifically instructed my husband to not get a diamond with a halo. Then my friend asked me if I wanted a ring like hers, with the halo, and I had to awkwardly say no. So, double edged sword, I guess.

      • Eleanor

        +1 to Orangerie. I don’t think any of this would be offensive, unless there’s more of a backstory here than we’ve heard. Her wanting diamonds all the way around the band doesn’t imply your ring is “lesser” somehow.

    • Anonymous

      I would not be offended in any way. I think it sounds like she likes your ring. I don’t see her directive about the diamonds going all the way around as suggesting that your ring is cheap or something. Its just a style issue. Some people (myself included) like when the diamonds stop halfway around. Its the style I chose for my engagement ring (I also think its more comfortable).

      If there are other issues and this is just one of many then I would either speak to her directly about it or decide if its worth it to continue being friends with her.

      If this is the only issue, then I’m sorry, but I think you are the one who is being petty.

    • Anonymous

      Wow! Sounds lik you have some serious issues with this person if this set you off. She loves your ring and wants one like it, except she prefers the aesthetic of a uniform band. I’m not quite sure how that means you get nothing that is just your own in life or that she called your DH cheap. It wouldn’t occur to me that the choice of infinity band or not is an issue of being cheap — just a style/comfort issue. And it’s unlikely that anyone will notice that she has the same ring. I’d take it as a compliment on your (husband’s?) good taste and leave it at that. Life’s too short to read in malice where none may exist.

      • TBK

        Agreed. My ring is a copy of my mother’s, with a few small changes. My mother and step-father took it as a huge compliment when I asked for a photo of my mother’s ring to give my husband for the jeweler.

    • toxic

      Sounds like a toxic relationship – THIS: “I feel like not only can I not have anything in life just mine but she’s almost insinuating my husband cheaped out somehow. I feel like she’s been trying to one up me since college.” seems to be a disproportionate response to someone wanting a similar ring (if it was proportionate, the millions of folks who have similar engagement rings would be engaged in some kind of crazy throw-down).

    • Bewitched

      If a friend of mine since college was getting married at almost 40, I’d be thrilled for her and would not care one iota what her ring looked like. If you have been married a while, she’s probably thinking that you have a great husband and a perfect life, and the last thing you should be worried about would be her ring.

    • Anonymous

      There has to be more to this story, because this seems like a ridiculous overreaction, or if there isn’t more to the story, then this reflects really poorly on you. And why would your husband be pissed?

      • Susedna

        It’s hard to tell from the OP’s post whether the friend was implying whether the OP’s ring was “lesser,” or if it was just projection on the OP’s part. By projection, I mean, the OP secretly thinks her ring is not enough, is insecure about it, and assumes others are going to make slights about it even if they’re not. Not sure which it is.

        But it’s definitely immature to go complaining to the husband about this, who would be totallywithin his rights to get annoyed both at his time being wasted on this non-issue, and by the OP’s implication that she also thinks her ring is “lesser.”

        • Marilla

          It kind of sounds from the OP’s post that the offense is not in admiring the ring and wanting a similar one – more that the friend (presumably not a great friend) literally said to the OP “I asked my husband to make me a ring EXACTLY like yours but actually BETTER, haha!” Which I can understand being peeved by. But yes, this probably is something it’s better to just think, oh, bless her heart, she sure is tactless and a little rude, but not actually get lastingly annoyed by.

          • Ellie

            Yes, I agree. The fact that the OP seems pretty pissed about her friend wanting to copy the ring’s design reads to me, given her feelings, that there seems to be something “sour” with the friendship – she mentions she suspects her friend wants to one-up her since college seems to point to something to that direction. And we also don’t know in which setting her friend told the OP she wants to copy that ring – if she only likes the design of the ring and wants to have one as pretty as hers, then it would sound different to someone who wants to make sure “My ring looks like yours but is more expensive, haha”.

    • anon

      Speaking as a 41 year old, you should be way beyond something so petty. It’s jewelry. The idea that it needs to represent you or your husband’s wealth/lack of cheapness is gross.

      • SpaceMountain

        I’m in my 40s, and I don’t think I’ve noticed anyone’s rings since that brief period when we were all getting married.

    • Anonymous

      Re: you can’t “have anything in life just [yours]” – you have a husband who loves you. You were married to him before you were 40. She’s almost 40 and has just now found someone she wants to be with. Even if it’s a second (or more) marriage, it really sucks to be pushing 40 and single when you wish you weren’t. I’d say you got the better end of this deal.

    • I hear you

      I think you’re getting a bad rap here, “Would you be offended?” I agree with others that maybe there’s something more going on here if you’ve been feeling irritable about this friend for such a long while… but you acknowledged that you need to get over the ring issue in particular and seemed to just want a place to vent about that.

      But I hear you, and had the same initial reaction. It feels unfair that someone (and a friend, at that!) would want to take the item specifically chosen to represent the love between you and your DH and copy it for her own use. I think it’s possible to simultaneously be happy for her and be peeved that this seems like her way of one-upping you.

      Good luck! You know the right answer is to move on, but I don’t begrudge you a little internet-grumbling. :)

    • OP

      Thank you guys for the insights and the reality check. It is a pretty distinct ring. It was custom–the jeweler did a wax version and everything. I probably attach too much emotion to the setting being something my husband and I were excited about creating together-her decision doesn’t remove that memory, and I guess I know I should just chalk it up as flattery. And yes, there probably is too much history here with our friendship that I’m responding to. But darn it, bless her heart.

      • Brant

        My ring is custom as well, but is still a fairly common style (center stone, pave diamonds on 4/5 of the band). I don’t know your friend, but unless she has spent hours trying to understand how yours is difference from others, she may just know she likes a single round solitaire with a pave band.

        And as someone who had to fight tooth-and-nail with DH about leaving room for sizing, I would not be insulted. My fingers change sizes. If they didn’t, I’d want the band of diamonds to wrap around fully. I think it’s a few hundred dollars in price diff–max. It’s the equivalent of “I want it to look like Brant’s ring, but set lower.” That doesn’t mean a high-set diamond is bad.

      • Anon

        Just wish that her fingers change size (it happens to everyone) and she has a hard time getting it resized because of the diamonds on the underside of the band.

  17. Nonny

    Some of you may remember back in July when I posted about telling my sister about my pregnancy and her throwing me out of the house. Other than sending her a really nice card in the mail immediately after that, I haven’t tried to contact her and I haven’t heard a thing from her. But I felt like I should try to re-establish the lines of communication, because I knew she wouldn’t want to be the first to do so. So I e-mailed her yesterday. It was a very short e-mail in which I basically said: (a) I hope you’re doing OK, (b) thanks for passing on some concerns you had through our mom, and if there’s anything else you think I should know, I’d really like to have your help (my sister has medical training in pregnancy and childbirth and had passed along one tip through our mom), and (c) Happy Thanksgiving (it’s Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend).

    Last night I received a vitriolic and downright rude e-mail response from her. It’s clear her position has not softened at all in the last 3 1/2 months. She made it clear she doesn’t want to talk to me, have anything to do with me or the baby, and won’t be participating in any family events until she has a child of her own (if ever).

    While we have never been the type of sisters who share each other’s clothes and talk for hours on the end on the phone (we’re 6 years apart), she is my sister and I love her. Now I feel like by having this baby, I’m losing my sister.

    I’m going to try to find someone to talk to but I just don’t know what to do.

    • anon

      I’ve dealt with similar issues- not to do with pregnancy, but the feeling of ‘losing’ your sister and having these kind of reactions. i think, time, is all that can help. i wouldn’t even reply to that email; she’s probably hoping to get something nasty from you in return so she can justify being rude to you.

      • Anon in NYC

        I agree that you don’t want to feed into this drama. I’m so sorry, Nonny. The situation sounds pretty terrible. It sounds like you want to leave the door open to a relationship, which is understandable, but not put yourself out there to get hurt all the time. That’s not to say that if your sister comes around that your relationship won’t be fundamentally altered, but it puts the onus on her to reach out. I think you should take a step back from this and treat your sister like a close acquaintance: send holiday and birthday cards, and use your judgment on whether to send a birth announcement/first birthday invites, etc.

    • Sister

      I don’t know/recall the backstory, but if she’s dealing with infertility, then you may just have to wait her out. When you are struggling to conceive, and it seems like everyone around you is fertile mertle (even if that’s not true), it’s easy to seethe at every discussion/announcement of babies. She may be lashing out at you b/c she “can” – it’s not like she can yell at her pregnant boss (or whatever), but you are an easy target.

      If you do want to keep a relationship with her, you may just have to do it on her terms for a while. I would keep any communications as neutral as possible. Let her talk about babies only on her own terms (even if she initiates the conversation, as she did with your mom), don’t ask her for specific advice, and steer the conversation to safe topics (work, whatever else is going on in her life). Don’t bring up your pregnancy, even in response to her discussing childbirth, etc. I don’t know if this is the healthiest way to deal with it, but I had a good friend who’s youngest daughter was born with some severe physical/mental impairments. After she was born, our friendship went on the rocks – in part b/c she was just hurting so badly and needed to lash out, and in part b/c, while I may have been well intentioned, I really did not know how to talk to her about what she was facing (positive commentary dimished the situation, negative was cruel, etc.). We stopped speaking for a while, but as we rekindled the relationship, I tried to follow what I outlined above. I don’t talk to her about my kids, and I let her talk to me about hers on her own terms. It’s not perfect, and may never be, but our friendship is at least still somewhat in tact. Good luck, it was tough with a friend, but I imagine even harder with a sibling.

      • Hollis

        This is really great advice and it helps me to understand some of my relationships and where/why they went sour. Thanks for posting.

    • Equity's Darling

      I have no tips, but I’m really sorry you have to deal with this – don’t let it get you down too much.

      Enjoy your Thanksgiving weekend, be extra kind to yourself, perhaps a self-indulgent day is in order.

      • Just another Voice

        +1

        Give yourself some fun this weekend.

        Let your sister have her “space.” You, as others suggest, can treat her as an acquaintance with cards and emails that are not personal. If she chooses to respond, great. If not, there’s nothing you can do but keep pinging her now and then without personalized stuff.

        So sorry that you are “losing” the sister and gaining a baby! Maybe as time passes and the baby is a child, things will change. She may well warm up to the auntie role in time, and then reach out to you? I know you hope for that. She’s putting off a very marvelous sister, I have to say!

        Hopefully your mom won’t pressure as that can complicate it.

    • Susedna

      Oh Nonny, I’m so sorry.

      She might be inadvertently doing you a favor– if she’s this unhappy right now, her avoiding you in the intermediate term might be the best answer.

      It prevents you or her from saying anything worse that might further damage the relationship.

      At the end of the day, you can’t force a relationship with someone who isn’t willing ot able to have one with you. As much as it pains you, I think you might just have to give her space and not contact her.

      For the record, I think she’s handling this very poorly, is ungenerous, and being a really crappy sister. There are people who’ve struggled with fertility and handled other people’s happiness with far more graciousness than your sister.

      I would recommend seeing a therapist, since this pains you so. It might be a helpful pressure-release valve and a safe space to talk about your feelings concerning your sister, so you don’t have to rope in other family members. Take good care of yourself and good luck.

    • PinkKeyboard

      I don’t have advice for you… both my sister and I are the opposite of fertile mertiles… but your sister is being extremely cruel to you. She will (hopefully) get over it in time but in the meanwhile try to keep your chin up and be excited about the baby. You deserve your happiness and excitement no matter what is happening in her life.

  18. Calibrachoa

    .. I feel so stupid putting it into words but the local goth club is shutting down and i am a babbling incoherent mess ncapable of doing any real work today. It’s been an integral part of my life, home away form home, seconfd family for me as long as I’ve been here and this just… blows like a microsoft hoover.

    • Wildkitten

      That’s not stupid. Is the club a location, like a bar? (I don’t know what a goth club is..) Can you do goth night at a different bar like one night a week? Or any other ways to salvage the community while losing the club?

      • Calibrachoa

        It’s a weekly club night at a bar. Short version is, we lost the venue and it’s pretty much the last death knell for the Club As We Know It. :/ there will be other things coming up, not the same, not weekly any more (yay Irish economy! Not.) I’m already involved in the “not going down like this” efforts, being staff and so on, but it’s just… never going to be the same. :(

    • Susedna

      It’s not stupid! It’s hard to lose a favorite watering hole, and on top of that, a community one is part of. I’m so sorry this is happening.

      I hope the efforts to keep the community from chipping away will be successful.

    • TBK

      That’s really hard. I had a martial arts class I *loved*. It was like family. Then we lost our space the instructor moved away and…I just felt completely unmoored (I’d gone to that class 2-3 nights/week and some Saturdays for years). My only suggestion is to pick up a different interest that takes up some of the time you would have spent at the club. (Not that same interest because you’ll just keep comparing it unfavorably to your old one. Believe me, I tried that path.) You might always look back wistfully, but other things will start to fill up that empty time and you’ll feel better.

      • Calibrachoa

        thanks… I hope I will figure something out, and if plans work out the new this will take up about half the time this did… But yeah it is like family. I met the first guy I ever went on a date with there. I met my ex there. I’ve had the best of times and worst of times with these people and it just… yeah. it sucks and it hurts.

        I am worried this will turn me into a total recluse. more often than not it’s been the only nonwork social interaction I have all week… sometimes even all month. I have no doubt i will slink back into just staying in 90% of the time way too easily.

        • TBK

          Sign up for a class or for some volunteer hours! Those should at least get you out of the house, and may lead you to meet some new friends.

          • Calibrachoa

            I wish I could do that! It’s just…. stupid shift work. :( the bane of being a low-level IT monkey. My ability to commit to anything is nonexistent.

          • Susedna

            Make a tumblr blog and get all your goth club friends to do so, so you can all reblog and send each other stuff throughout the day? ;-)

          • Calibrachoa

            Ha, tumblr is the one place where I want none of them since it’s my place where I vent about them! :P there’s a big FB group going atm and I’m part of the admin team on that one due to 3 am stupidity of agreeing to do so..

          • Susedna

            Re: Tumblr (LOL)

            I am old enough and geeky enough that I had a group of friends I’d regularly catch up with by all agreeing to play on the same text-based MUD (that we all played on Unix machines.) This was a nice MUD, no player on player violence. Some of the spots to play in included: the Hundred Acre Wood*, Midsummer Night’s Dream with NPCs like Lysander, Puck, Bottom, etc.)

            *Pooh wasn’t killable, thank goodness. But you could slay a Sneaky Woozle to get Sneaky Woozle Sneakers and increase your DEX stat.

          • Calibrachoa

            I never got into MUDs, they just didn’t do it for me. I spent ridiculous amounts of time on IRC and playing games like ZangbandTK, though… and anything by Bioware really. (did not get into DA, however, for some very silly reasons)

  19. Anon

    Question: My mom just sent me a list of invitees for my baby shower, and it includes the mothers of all my high school friends, plus 6 of her friends who I don’t know very well. The list is 30 people, so this is more than 1/3 of the list. I don’t want to feel like I’m being gawked at by a bunch of semi-strangers while grossly pregnant (yes, I’m having completely unwarranted body image issues…blech). I’d like it to be more personal and intimate so I can have fun too.

    I feel like I won’t get anywhere asking her to exclude her friends, since they will be the ones organizing food/ decorations/ logistics (none of which I want, but pick your battles, right?). Is it tacky to exclude my friends’ moms? They came to my wedding shower, and I have kept in touch with some of them, but I’m over 30, so they aren’t a huge part of my life anymore.

    • hoola hoopa

      They aren’t going to be gawking at you. Let your mother invite her friends and feel thankful that you have so many women in your life who care about you. You may not see them frequently, but they feel invested in your life and want to wish you well as you enter your next phase.

      • Senior Attorney

        +1

        This is a major life event for your mom, too. Let her invite her friends and show off her beautiful daughter. As for your friends’ moms, this may well be the last time you get to see them, so savor the moment and as hoola hoopa says, be thankful they want to share this event with you.

        As for having fun, I hate to be all Pollyannaish, but you will have fun if you decide to have fun!

      • TBK

        +2 My MIL is throwing me a crazy big shower (like renting part of a restaurant big) and probably 3/4 of the attendees will be her friends. That’s because she is 100% over the moon about becoming a grandmother and all her friends are so happy for her and want to come celebrate. Will I be central attraction/show pony? Sure. But it’s because these middle-aged women all love to fuss over a pregnant daughter – anyone’s pregnant daughter. Not one of your mother’s guests will think you’re “grossly” pregnant. They’ll think you’re adorable. (I bet they’ll use that word, too.) They also won’t be gawking at you. They’ll be fussing about whether you have the best chair, or whether you need more water or juice, or if that present is too heavy for you to lift. And they will be having the time of their lives doing it. Think of it as your “congratulations you’re going to be a grandma!” gift to your mom.

        • Pregomama

          This. My shower was really for my mother. She got to invite her family/friends and parade me around like a trophy (first grandchild). A couple of my friends were there, but they were asked/begged in advance (by me) to come to provide moral support :)

    • Susie

      For my sister, she let our mom plan a big blowout baby shower with all mom’s friends, then we had an intimate “baby e t t e” for just close friends.

      • Anon

        I love this idea. Can I ask some questions on logistics? I adore my MIL and SIL, and would consider them part of my “intimate” shower. Would you then invite them to both but just make clear that no gifts were expected (my MIL already bought us a big gift anyway, so I’m planning to let her know that)? Did someone else then hold the smaller shower, since I wouldn’t want to make my mom host two events and I don’t have a sister? I would be happy to host my own smaller shower, but I know that’s frowned on sometimes.

        • zora

          do you have a close friend you can ask to host a more intimate, friend gathering with no presents? That’s what some of my friends have done, and they’ve been the most fun honestly.

        • Pregomama

          We did a shower that my mom threw (blow out bonanza of mainly family/ her friends/ a few of my friends from the town I grew up in that stayed local). I live in another city, so one of my friends threw a baby shower brunch for my city friends. Mom didn’t go to/wasn’t invited to/ I didn’t even tell her about this one.

          I also had a work shower, which was thrown by my boss, at her house. She invited our team and the entire C-suite/ SVP-suite over for dinner and BAM suprise it was also a baby shower. Hilariously awkward: me (mid-senior level, but NOT SVP/C-suite) opening gifts from that our CTO and Chief Medical Officer (both older males) had gone out and shopped for –and wrapped–together during lunch. Even better: my boss’s 6 year old daughter playing waitress and proclaiming that clothes were the best gift idea “BECAUSE BABIES ARE BORN NAKED.”

          my job is so weird.

        • Susie

          For us, my mom hosted the big shower at her house. Then my sister’s friend planned the smaller one but it was at my house. A few people were at both, and most did give gifts at both – but not extravagant gifts. The smaller one we called a babye t t e, and it was to celebrate the mom-to-be, no baby gifts just things for the mom-to-be to use herself, so pedi gift card, maternity top, etc. Your SIL may be a good candidate to host a small shower, or if you mention it to a close friend that you would love to have a small get-together just for close friends she would offer to help.

    • Marilla

      Has she already invited them? Is she friends with them, or is she inviting them because she thinks you would like them there? I think it would be completely reasonable for you to ask your mom to limit the number of people so it’s not so overwhelming. Her friends make sense to invite, but not extra people neither of you have a strong connection with.

    • preg 3L

      I’m sorry you’re feeling so crappy and gross. I have to say, I’m a little jealous. My baby shower is going to be approximately 4 people, including myself, because my friends have scattered and I have very few local friends. There’s a book called Does This Pregnancy Make Me Look Fat? and while I haven’t read it, you might find it helpful (maybe just check out the free preview on a m a z o n?).

    • Susedna

      I’m sorry you’re experiencing body image issues — they are a whole lot of No-Fun.

      Although most of the people at this shower aren’t reallyyour close friends, there’s something about these big events in people’s lives that can help even distant acquaintances (and strangers) connect.

      I doubt your mother’s friends and acquaintances will gawk and be snarky. They’ll just spoil you, make earthy and possibly ribald comments in general (like 13yr olds at a sleepover), and be festive. So, it could be fun, even if you’re not super-close to them.

      • Susedna

        Agree, but I hate the knotting/gathers at the waist. They look like they’re placed too high up and it looks like a sewing mistake.

    • LizNYC

      I’d totally wear this to work (with a possible cami underneath) — looks really cute!

    • Anonymous

      I like this dress a lot and would absolutely wear it to work, so long as the length is okay.

      • Famouscait

        Thanks y’all! I feel like red is an inherently sexy color, but I ordered it and will see how it works.

  21. Kc esq

    Can anyone recommend a brand for a long-lasting leather men’s watch band? I got a Swiss army one for my husband in the past and it didn’t last as long as I expected.

    • ss

      In case you’re still reading, Morellato is a good name to look for. My local shops only carry their premium line which sets a gold standard for watch buffs, but I’ve just had a quick look at their website and it looks like they have stuff at all price points and will ship from Italy.

  22. TBK

    Anyone have any brand of maternity camisoles/tanktops they really love(d)? Most of my dresses and a few of my tops need something underneath, plus I could use something plain to go under some jackets and cardigans. I was wearing my regular camisoles under my dresses, but they ride up over my belly now and make weird ridges under my clothes. TIA!

      • Anon

        +1. Get the nursing kind (Gillian & O’Malley?); they are good for pregnancy/post-pregnancy and saved me the serious hassle of trying to find many good nursing bras (i.e. I just wore a cami most of the time for the first few months). Also, you’ll constantly get spit-up, etc. on all parts of you, and it felt like the camis held up better to constant washing.

    • Fiona

      I liked the Gap “Essential” tanks. Near the end when nothing was long enough, those suckers still had length to spare. They don’t look that good when you’re barely showing, but near the end they are amazing.

      • Maddie Ross

        This. They were the best. I liked the Gap ones, but the built-in bra quickly stopped fitting. I do wear the Gap cami ones still now (even though I’ve lost all the baby weight) as they are longer than any other cami on teh market.

        • Eileen

          I just ordered ones from Old Navy and they were giant, as in the straps/top part came down past my b**bs. So, beware if you’re short, might not be the best option.

    • Anon

      I have been using my Bella Band to keep my regular tanks in place, and to keep non-maternity (cheap) tights from rolling down – you just flip it so the plastic-y elastic covers the hem of the creeping item. Bonus is that Bella Band tends to smooth out ridges…sometimes. I’m at 24 weeks, so I don’t know how much longer it will work or how much longer I’ll have the patience to put up with all the various moving parts. But it was a cheaper solution than buying all new camisoles and tights.

      Funny story – I spent most of a day this week wearing a dress that has bust pleating, and a sweater over the top of it. I realized at about 4 pm that the bust pleating had gathered under the sweater in just the right way that it looked like I had a serious headlight problem.

    • anonfish

      Third Old Navy. And A Pea In the Pod (or Motherhood?) makes these great nursing bras that look like a cami (but short- I am not explaining this well). I still wear them under clothes when I need to cover up. They are a little pricey, but get them now and you’ll get more wear out of them. They come in S, M, L and are very stretchy so they should grow with you.

    • Anonymous

      Are any of these recommendations compressing or have built-in shelf bras? My chest is really, really, really growing and I would love something that sucks them in.

    • Bursting Out

      Glamourmom! I’ve worn them every week for the past 19 mos. Still going strong, though finally starting to fade a bit. Excellent built in bra.

  23. jillian

    35″? noooooooo no. No. I’m 5’10” and a dress has to be at least like 40″ for me to be comfortable in it. Nobody needs to be seeing my upper-thigh cheese when I sit.

  24. Julie

    I am 5’4″ with a long torso and short legs. 35″ would be too short for a sheath dress. When seated, there isn’t enough material to keep the dress from showing an awful lot of leg. A fuller skirt might be a different story, but in general I want work dresses to be at least 37″, but a bit longer for sheaths.

  25. dress length

    I’m only 5’7″ and I prefer 40″ for dresses and 24-25″ for skirts. Anything shorter hits right in the middle of my knee or above, which is pretty much the worst place on me. I have a very hard time finding anything long enough.

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