Thursday’s TPS Report: Jane Herringbone Dress

134 Comments

1. I am going to San Juan, Puerto Rico for President’s Day weekend with a friend who will be celebrating a big birthday. Can any one recommend a fun, special place we can go to dinner on her birthday evening? Also, she wants to go out dancing after – looking for any recommendations on that too! Thanks hive :)

   1. Dinner – Dragonfly

      No recs for dancing

   2. Marmalade!

      1. Yes Marmalade!

      2. Third vote for Marmalade! One of the best meals I’ve ever eaten!

2. Love this! Looks like fun to accessorize. Too bad it’s not wool, but I would give poly a chance for this price.

3. Besides spending less, what’s the appeal of a shopping ban/hiatus? What benefits to you all feel it has?

   1. For me, it helps me think more creatively about the stuff that’s in my closet, and also realize what I wear and don’t and why.
      I am now tending toward certain colors and styles, so I’m getting rid of stuff that doesn’t fit my current style. I’m assessing what I do have.

      Then, when I do go out shopping again, I’ll be more focused and know what I’m looking for and the quality, color and style that’s right for me.

   2. For me, it helps me think more creatively about the stuff that’s in my closet, and also realize what I wear and don’t and why.
      I am now tending toward certain colors and styles, so I’m getting rid of stuff that doesn’t fit my current style. I’m assessing what I do have.

      Then, when I do go out shopping again, I’ll be more focused and know what I’m looking for and the quality, color and style that’s right for me.

   3. My hope was to shop a little more consciously – buy less overall, and stay away from instant gratification. If I found something I wanted this month, I’d wait and see if I still wanted it next month. I have so many clothes already that I’m just adding clutter.

      But, in reality I’ve already failed. Whoops.

      1. This. Conscious shopping and spending.

   4. Honestly, it lowers stress for me. I can browse sales and look at Pinterest without feeling unhappy or unsatisfied with what I currently have. I also don’t pull the trigger on “deals” that I don’t need or won’t wear. I started my hiatus Jan. 1 and plan to go to April. Before I set the hiatus, I knew there were 2 or 3 pieces I’d been looking for and gave myself permission to buy (only those) pieces if I found something I loved. It has made my shopping/browsing more thoughtful and targeted.

      1. Not pulling the trigger on “deals” has been huge for me. I’ve still bought some things that I decided I need, but I’ve definitely bought less stuff that I don’t need.

   5. It helps me think about what I already own and should wear more. It forces me to find other outlets for the “happiness” of shopping. It helps me think more about what I’m buying.

   6. It helps reduce distraction. Browsing is an obvious distraction at work, and mentally I find myself constantly turning over options in my head and wasting lots of mental space mulling purchases. What size? If you get this, do you also need this, how much do you really need it? Ahh! Guilt! Can you wear this blouse with this shoe? Check to see if its on sale! Check AGAIN!

      Moratoriums also help me check my habit of buying sweaters to obtain happiness. I work a lot (as do we all) and its easy for me to take the lazy route, assuming that buying an item will fulfill me. While sometimes true, for me, this is not the path that will lead me to long term happiness.

   7. It makes me use what I have and over few weeks, I have an idea of my favorite pieces.
      Great pre-step to a closet purging: I get rid of the things I do not wear during the no-buy, and I buy more of the pieces I loved.

   8. Fewer impulse buys

4. Does anyone have a recommendation of how to learn to use Microsoft Outlook better? I’m sure there are tips and tricks to make better use of the program than I do.

   1. Learn your hot keys and get ride of your mouse! May sound intimidating if you aren’t an office super user, but to sort through and read hundreds of emails a day you won’t believe how much time it saves. Start with the little tricks. Ctrl + N to start a new message, + R to reply, + shift + R to reply all, + F to forward. Then learn the Alt tricks, Alt + S to send, HD to delete, HMV to move a message into a folder (which I will get to). With the Alt tricks, Outlook has pop up keys to guide you (look at the ribbon and it will identify the key stroke for different buttons, that helps a lot when you are learning).

      Create rules. Have daily emails from certain databases or news sources or shopping, emails that aren’t super time sensitive but you can proactively manage? Create a folder I your inbox and create a rule to auto direct all emails to those specific folders. I find it really helps the stress of managing my inbox. ie I open my inbox every morning and have ~40-50 unread messages but the majority are news blurbs foldered away that I can get to when I have time. That way I can instantly focus on the 5-10 new messages that I need to immediately read or respond to.

      Create folders and organize a filing system that works for you. I set up a numbering system do that I can quickly use my hot keys. ie 1 is live client transactions, subfoldered and organized by client name. 2 is internal emails, organized by functional areas. 3 is for HR functions with subfolders like healthcare or campus recruiting. 4 is for great articles that I email myself and want to save for future reference. 5 is personal, subfoldered into things like networking or volunteering activities. In action, I read an respond to an email from XYZ client. Hit Alt H M V 2 X… And the email is filed away, no dragging or scrolling and instantly organized. I probably sound crazy but I swear it works.

      I receive hundreds of emails a day so for me it’s about proactively managing the flow and organizing real time. Hope that helps!

      1. I want to shadow you for a week! I didn’t even know such shortcuts exist.

      2. This is awesome. is there a quick way to color categorize?

      3. You. You must be spectacular at your job.

   2. I use Categories all the time, and sort my inbox by them. It’s an easy way to group similar emails from different projects, you can add multiple categories to one item (I have a category that is literally called “don’t lose”), it makes your calendar easier to digest at a glance, and it makes filing emails easy (can delete all my “admin” emails at the end of the week, but can go over the important ones one by one). You can use rules to assign categories, but I do it manually as soon as they hit my inbox.

   3. My two best moves are:
      1) Using the clean up folder function regularly to delete redundant messages in a thread.
      2) Adding follow-up reminders on sent emails, so my sent email pops up and I can resend it with a “haven’t seen a response” message. When juggling multiple projects and deadlines, this is a lifesaver!

   4. Drag any email that you don’t have time to address at the moment but need to ASAP into your “tasks” list (on my outlook, on the bottom right hand of the “mail” screen under the calendar).

5. Love this and the green colors in the collection. Thanks, Kat.

   1. Yes, this is beautiful. I’m tempted, but not sure how sizing runs.

      1. I’m nowhere near a Dillard’s, the shipping isn’t bad, but looks like I have to pay to ship things back.

         I really like this dress, though. Love the color!

         1. Yes, and don’t be late in making your return.

      2. I bought this a few months ago and found it to be true to size in the waist/hips, but a little snug on top. I would recommend sizing up if you’re busty.

   2. I wish they’d show how the dress looks with the jacket.

6. Sorry for the immediate TJ – I’m on Europe time and was waiting for the first post so I could get some advice.

   I found out this morning that after my boss completed my 2014 review (with excellent results), her boss told her to reduce my scores, because there was no budget for the raise I would have received with the scores I earned. She complied, and reduced the scores we had discussed together without telling me – until now, a month later. I don’t think she was given a choice, but I feel so betrayed and angry! We had a very good working relationship and I thought of her as something of a mentor. I’d been told the evaluation would be critical to a promotion which has been dangled in front of me for six months – and I haven’t been able to get a straight answer whether it will happen now or not.

   I’m considering my options – I’m not sure if HR will be helpful (I have reason to think this based on past experience and corporate culture), and I’m not prepared to look for a new job yet (FWIW I’ve been here just under two years). Does anyone here have any experience with this sort of thing?

   1. Sorry but I have heard this happening quite a lot. I worked in a department once where two women in similar roles were told point blank “on even years Mary will get the raise and on odd years Matilda will, because we can’t give you both the raises you deserve in the same year.” Askamanager has also answered this type of question.

      1. Thanks – You’re right that the company doesn’t have to give me a raise because “deserve” it, I’m just really shocked this happened behind my back. This is my first corporate job, so I guess I’ve just had a tough learning experience. :-/

         1. I would add that it’s probably so standard to your boss that she does not see it as doing anything behind your back. That’s not great, I know, but it’s more like she thinks this is how the game is played and she is unlikely to expect it to upset you.

   2. It is pretty unfortunate that the sequence of moderation/ communication happened the wrong way round for you but you are probably right that your manager wasn’t given a choice. It is otherwise entirely normal for companies to have various formal and informal processes to ‘moderate’ reviews across a range of employees in the service of various corporate objectives eg. achieve a normal distribution for the group, get scores to conform with the available bonus pot etc etc. I’ve been at companies with better/ worse processes but the final decision on scarce bonuses/ raises/ promotions always have an element of horse-trading at the level of the supervisors.

      It may be possible to reinstate your scores with HR intervention so that you can stay on track with your progress for promotion later on, but securing a raise now seems unlikely if business decisions about budgets have already been taken.

      1. “An element of horse-trading” sounds exactly right, given what I’ve picked up from office gossip. Thanks a lot for the insight, I guess it’s good to know that this is SOP and not an unusual event.

         1. I think it is pretty standard. Our reviews have to be approved on multiple levels, and are often changed after you’ve met with your direct supervisor and agreed on everything. I think that promotions are technically based on reviews, but there is also a big element of your supervisor having to negotiate it based on what the resources are for that year – and obviously, everyone wants to get the most for “their” people.

            My company also force ranks every employee, both for their department and for the entire office, every year based on reviews. Fun!

   3. I used to work for a big financial corporation and this was standard. Everyone is rated by their manager 1-5, then the manager submitted the review scores to the district manager. The district manager had to fit us all on a bell curve – meaning that if my manager gave her team all 4s and 5s, depending on how the rest of the region looked, that 4 might very well be reduced to a 3 to make the overall bell curve fit. This is totally frustrating, but entirely expected in the larger industry I was a part of at the time. Not much that can be done but get out (which I eventually did).

7. I’m not sure what HR can do – it’s not like they can give you the promotion if the is no money to do so. Plus, this doesn’t sound like the kind of place that is going to foster your growth long term. Why are you not ready to look for a new job? Being somewhere “just under two years” is not a bad mark on your resume. You just have to explain why you’re looking for another job (“the culture of my current job is a bad fit”). I think your best, and only, plan of action would be to look for a new job immediately. I left a bad job after one year – I was afraid that one year stint would look bad on my resume but guess what? I have a great job now, and plan on staying here long term. No harm done. Just take your time to look for a good place where you can grow and be promoted for your hard work.

   1. Thanks SA-litagor! The main reason I don’t want to leave yet is that I am hoping to change locations in about a year, so I don’t want to try and start a new job in this city 2 or 3 months down the line. The company is also multi-national, and there is the possibility of using an office transfer to achieve my location goals. You’re right that there isn’t much potential for career growth where I am now. I’ve been so focused on talking myself down from being angry that I haven’t thought much about leaving, but maybe you’re right and I should move my timeline up and get out of here.

      1. Before you get angry about it, this is often just how performance is managed at large companies. It does NOT mean that you cannot get promoted, despite only getting an average rating – it’s all up to your manager/the department in the end. The ratings are usually just a tool to figure out raises and if you’re getting a “needs improvement” rating then yes, that will be pointed out when you ask for a promotion. It may be brought up by HR when your management decides to promotion you, but usually they do not really make the decision. Talking to HR is probably not useful, you should have a regular “career discussion” meetings with your manager about the promotion and your career goals, etc. In the end, it’s all about the organization budget and your manager going to bat for you. Many performance management systems have a space for you to leave comments after you are graded – you should do so.

   2. I wouldn’t be so hasty. What OP describes is extremely common (sad, but common). If the job is otherwise a good fit and you can use it to springboard to something else later, and your boss is otherwise a good mentor, I wouldn’t leave over this issue.

8. Sorry for the threadjack, but I need some moral support (and the opportunity to whine). I have a closing dinner with a client tonight for a deal we closed at year-end. That’s all great, but there’s a cocktail hour and everything, and I have severe social anxiety. I plan to take my medicine beforehand, and I’ll be working on the buddy system (my husband is going), which helps, but this kind of thing just consumes me all day. Heart racing, adrenaline up, sense of dread. One of my goals this year is to confront my anxiety and be bolder, so this is a great opportunity for that. But, jeez, today is going to be rough. I hope I can get through tonight without doing anything embarrassing and without being my normal awkward, silent self! Thanks for the opportunity to vent!

   1. If you have time, squeeze in a tought workout. This helps a lot with my anxiety.

   2. Someone (might have been on this s i t e) suggested setting a goal for networking event, such as identifying 3 people you want to talk to and getting introductions, or collecting x number of business cards. I have mild social anxiety, but being also Type A, getting to check goals/tasks off my lists really helps! H

   3. Thanks for the replies. I unfortunately won’t have time to work out (great idea for future events), but I like the idea of having certain goals. I’m going to try that.

      1. Goals have helped me muster up the courage for 3 different events recently. The first one, I thought about what I wanted to get out of the conversations (for example, a recommendation for a good accountant). The second one I treated as a research event, making it my goal to understand the people in this particular population. The third one, I focused on who I was there to help.

   4. Yay! I love this sheathe dress, but it is to form fitting for me right now b/c of my tuchus, and beside’s, Frank would love to examine the material more closeley, as he did today with my new suit. FOOEY on him!

      Before I get to the OP, and my advise for her, I just wanted the HIVE to be aware that Vince Camuto died. I am so sad today b/c I have at least 8 pair’s of his shoe’s. Evidentelly, he died of Cancer–Fooey on Cancer. Here is the link for those who also are Vince Camuto fan’s. Very sad.

      http://rollingout.com/obituaries/legendary-footwear-designer-vince-camuto-dies/

      We should all go out and buy Vince Camuto shoe’s now. What do you think, Kat and Kate? In tribute to him?

      Anyway, for the OP, all I can say is to relax. That is what I do with cleint’s and potential cleint’s. I learned this from the manageing partner. Whenever you are in a business mode, be causal, like you are with your own freind’s — but never say anything you will regret. That is what get’s me all of the new cleint’s. I complement them on anything and everything — one guy I compemented him on his teeth (and he confieded to me after that they were fake). But we got the busness. Women like to be complemented on their clotheing or their hair. When I met a woman who was dowdy, I found that her nail polish was interesting so I compelmented that along with her wedding ring — she also made ME feel good b/c she was MARRIED, and there was someone who at least she has to go home to every night for married stuff. So there should be hope for me to! YAY!

      The manageing partner’s brother stopped by this morning b/f I went to work to explain about the woman in his apartement. I told him it was between him and her, and he did not have to explain to me. I think he did not want the manageing partner to hear about it so I told him I would NOT tell what hapened. He said he is missing his ROLLEX watch and some credit card’s (which he canceled). FOOEY!

      I warned him about haveing sex with women he did NOT know, and that is when he said that he knew me. I did NOT know where to look, b/c I think he think’s I am availeable now that Alan is out of the picture. He asked for a picture of Alan, but I did NOT show him. I should realy throw out my old picture album b/c Alan is alway’s comeing up in conversation’s and that is not good for me b/c I need to moove on. DOUBEL FOOEY on that!

   5. I don’t know about your anxiety meds but for mine – don’t drink.

      One mantra I have now about my feelings, is “I FEEL this way, but it doesn’t mean I AM this way.”
      I feel anxious, but I am not anxious – I am brave.

      Good luck – you can do it!

      1. Good ideas! Thank you. And, yes, I’ll probably have a coke, so I have something to hold in my hand during the cocktail hour, and a limited amount of wine at dinner if people are drinking wine. Sometimes you need to have the glass there just so people don’t ask why you’re not drinking … not that it’s any of their business!

      2. FWIW, some of my friends who are clinically anxious use medical marijuana as a treatment. It seems to really help them.

   6. I empathize completely. Make sure you don’t have much caffeine throughout the day — I don’t know about you, but pretty much any caffeine when I’m already anxious makes me crazy jittery. I’d take my anxiety meds an hour before and nurse a club soda. I second the commenter who mentioned watching out for alcohol + anxiety meds.

   7. I try to focus on others and not how I am feeling. Often other people are nervous or not perfectly comfortable – whether it shows or not – and I try to frame my behavior as helping them feel at ease. If I can focus on others and less about how I am feeling, it helps for me.

      1. Also, keep in mind that nobody is judging you anywhere close to the amount of pressure you’re putting on yourself. Think about how much you can remember about any single person from one of these events in the past… I’m guessing not much. Once I realized how little others really pay attention to anyone else and retain, it lessened my anxiety around these things considerably. I also try to think “what’s the worst that can happen?”. Even the absolute worst thing is generally not that bad!

         1. Flipping it like that – realizing I don’t remember that much about others – is a good point. I’m way too concerned about being “judged” and controlling how people view me. I need to lighten up. Working on it. :)

   8. No advice but wanted to say I love your name :)

      1. Thanks! It’s true … on the weekends, at least!

9. Anyone have thoughts on lasik? I’ve had terrible vision since I was 5 and am considering it. But I’m nervous about scheduling bc as an atty, I can’t really take a break from reading for long. I’d really appreciate any thoughts/experiences/regrets anyone who’s had it might have! Thanks, ladies.

   1. I haven’t had it, but did a lot of research on it a few months ago. (And then I had cornea inflammation pop up so there go my plans!) Lasik is really quick recovery if you’re a good candidate for it. I was planning to take Thursday and Friday off and have a 4 day weekend. If you can’t get Lasik for whatever reason, and have to get LasEK, it’s like WEEKS of recovery. My friend had it done and she was blind/blurry for weeks.

   2. I’ve had a lot of success with mine and it is a pretty easy procedure. Honestly, you could be reading the next day. You kind of just lay around in a dark room in your goggles because bright light hurts your eyes, but you can still see and read things if you really need to (though you won’t want to the same day). If you get it on a Friday, you’ll be good to go on Monday.

      1. Eh…I remember needing a couple days (maybe a week?) for the swelling to go down enough that I could really focus on small print (I remember trying to read my chemistry textbook). Bigger print was okay, but the small stuff was hard for long stretches. I also had a fairly large correction, so maybe that contributed to the extra swelling? Friday to Monday might be doable, but I’d stretch it a little longer, just in case.

   3. I had my Lasik procedure done on a Thursday afternoon. Spent the rest of the day with my eyes closed and resting, but was back to work (for a light day) on Friday.

   4. I’m an attorney as well and had LASIK in September on a Thursday. I took Friday off (no, you won’t be reading the next day) and the weekend, and was back at work with no problems on Monday. It’s honestly one the best decisions I’ve ever made. Just keep in mind that you want to research the very best doctor in your area (someone who actually meets with you and takes the pre-op measurements himself, does not delegate it to his staff, and have an assembly line business), you want to make sure you’re an excellent candidate for this procedure, and you want to make sure you get it while you still can before you need reading glasses. I would not get it past 40 for example, since you’ll need reeding glasses soon no matter what. So get it while you’re young so you can enjoy being glasses-free until the reading glasses stage.

   5. My husband had it… twice. Don’t be scared by that, though. He had funny corneas, so they had to do a “touch up”, but the recovery was the same. Go in, take a muscle relaxant, have procedure, and then go home and sleep (they gave sleeping medicine to help you stay asleep, which is when the most recovery/healing happens). He was, honest to goodness, 20/20 the next morning and generally feeling great. They give you lots of eye drops to help with initial scratchy-ness and dry eyes, but it was nothing unmanageable. He’s in tech and stares at multiple computer screens all day… never really complained after the first day back at the office.

      It’s been 3 yrs since #1 and 2 years sicne #2. His only complaint is that he sees halos at night, so he is going to get some glasses for night driving, but that’s better than what he had before when he couldn’t do diddly squat without glasses. I got to witness him going snorkeling and see fish underwater for the first time while we were on vacation… priceless.

   6. I was not eligible for Lasik, so had to get PRK. I was very blurry for about a week, then mildly blurry for about another week. I zoomed in my computer screen to 125 to 150% for the first two weeks and turned off the lights directly over my desk.

      While the blurriness and discomfort were not ideal the first two weeks, I would absolutely do it again. I am so happy with the results. I love being able to engage in activities that were difficult before (I could no longer wear contacts, so was wearing glasses full time). It’s also nice to be able to see in the middle of the night/early morning.

      My mom and husband have both had Lasik and had very, very little down time. Neither had any blurriness or discomfort at all. Both were able to see clearly immediately after the surgery. My husband returned to work the following day without an issue.

      1. Extensive thread on this about a year ago: https://corporette.com/2013/10/21/neon-sunglasses/

      2. I also had PRK as I was not eligible for Lasik. I had the surgery done the Friday before thanksgiving, was blurry until Wednesday, which is when they took out the band-aid contacts, and then could see very clearly (meaning clearly enough to drive). I was back at work and totally fine by the following Monday. Everyone says LASIK recovery is super fast (you will probably just need a weekend to recover) but if you end up getting PRK, it will probably take a week to recover. But second everyone saying that it is totally worth it. I’m also an attorney and didn’t feel any negative effects after my surgery in regards to work and having to read and be in front of a computer 12+ hours a day.

   7. I had LASIK about two years ago and it was one of the best decisions I ever made!! I am still amazed to wake up with clear vision.
      Recovery was super fast. I was back at work the next day and was back to normal in about a week. I decided I was going to take public transit home from the procedure (because I’m stubborn) and that was a dumb idea – you definitely need a ride home from the surgery. It would have also been good to have someone else to hear the instructions about eye drops etc., because I could not see the bottles and written instructions once I was at home.

10. Just wanted to give a rousing round of thanks to the community for your support last month with my post about my abortion. You guys were amazing and super helpful, and it really meant a lot to me to hear all your stories and read through the materials you shared/linked to.

    I’m two weeks out from the procedure, and everything went as smoothly as possible. My partner has been wonderful through the whole experience, and we just decided to move in together in a few months, which I’m really excited about. This community is wonderful, and I’m so glad to have been a part of it for the last few years.

    1. Thanks for the update, and I’m so glad to hear of this positive outcome and that you’re doing well.

       1. Ditto. And exciting that you’re moving in together!

    2. It’s the anniversary of Roe v. Wade today – thanks for sharing your story, and (though I am currently happily pregnant) I’m so glad abortion is still (mostly) legal in the U.S.

       1. I just watched the Supremes episode of the West Wing last night, in which they nominated a female judge who had had an abortion in law school to be Chief Justice. I hadn’t realised how timely that was.

    3. Glad to hear that the procedure went smoothly and you are doing well. Even better to think it will strengthen your relationship. Like “layered bob”, I am so glad that abortion is available to you and others who need it. I have several children, two of whom are twins. I was so devastated when I learned about the twin pregnancy–it was not what I envisioned for our family and made me scared and overwhelmed. I’d always been pro-choice, but I decided then that I would always support Planned Parenthood with financial donations because no woman should be forced to endure a pregnancy she does not want. Thankfully, my twin pregnancy was healthy and uneventful, and my twins are a great joy, but I still feel strongly that a woman should have a choice. Happy anniversary Roe v. Wade!

    4. I’ve never been pregnant, but it terrifies me that I might find myself in a position like yours one day; I can imagine it must not have been easy, so yay for making the best choice for you. I’m glad you’re well!

    5. Thank you for sharing! I am so glad that everything went smoothly.

    6. Becoming a mother has made me more pro choice. I love my DD so much that it breaks my heart that a child would be brought into the world who is not wanted as much wanted as she was/is.

       I’m pregnant now with no2 and very nervous that prenatal test results will cause me to have to confront a choice on termination. But I’d like that choice to be between my dr and me (and my DH). My congress person can stick to worrying about my taxes.

       1. I am also glad I didn’t have to make the choice but I was one who had bad preliminary prenatal test results that – if it had been confirmed – would have meant the fetus was not viable. I too was glad to have had the option that I never used.

11. What do you all think about flared dresses in a buis-casual office? The office is pretty formal, men wear suits or slacks with button-downs; women wear slacks, pencil skirts, and sheath dresses. I was thinking something like the below (link to follow) but I think it just skews a little to feminine/frilly — doesn’t really read “power” the way a pencil skirt does.

    1. https://www.jcrew.com/womens_category/dresses/weartowork/PRDOVR~B4422/B4422.jsp

    2. I think it would be fine on a more casual day. I probably wouldn’t wear it on a day that requires suits from the guys, but on a normal Thursday with nothing much happening I think it would be a nice change of pace.

    3. Fine for a regular day, wouldn’t wear to a “big” meeting (insert your own definition of this here) or presentation.

    4. I don’t have a problem with the dress you linked to generally for a business casual office – especially paired with a blazer or other structured topper, I think it would be fine – but for the office you’re describing specifically, I agree it doesn’t quite read “power” the same way as pencil skirts and sheath dresses.

       1. Agreed, but I think this will change once the reign of the pencil skirt comes to an end…maybe in the next couple of years.

          1. Is the pencil skirt really that much of a fad/ time-sensitive thing? I always thought of it as a timeless classic/staple, but I also am fashion challenged…

    5. Considering that it’s suit-grade wool, I think you have a lot of leeway. Wear it with power shoes and good accessories and you won’t feel too fem to hold your own with the boys.

    6. I think classic A-line skirts in general are just as formal as penciil skirts in a similar suiting material. For that dress in particular, I think the pleating and the fact that it’s cut wider than a classic A-line, make it slightly less formal, not the flared shape. I’d still wear it with a blazer to all but the most formal situations.

    7. Keep in mind, it depends on your shape.
       For me and my tushy, a pencil skirt would read as NOT professional, whereas this would.
       I would prefer a lower neckline here, though – for me that’s the part that reads as more “little girl”.

       1. Exactly this. Pencil skirts and sheaths can read way to va-va-voom on some body types. There’s nothing wrong with some flare in a professional setting, as long as it’s done right. (Sleeveless among suited men and women? Not quite right.)

       2. Precisely this as well. A jacket rather than the ubiquitous cardi or open/waterfall sweater would make this very professional. Yes, even in Houston.

    8. To me the pleats read ‘young’, but probably just because they’re exactly the same as on my high school uniform skirt (which also prevents me from wearing royal blue, fine checked patterns, or much grey… thanks, school!).

       I like the Boden flared dresses.

12. I’ve got a festive attire evening event coming up. Is this the occasion to break out the the sheer black hose? Or stick to tights?

    I can’t do patterned hose/tights bc my dress has a pattern.

    1. I’m fairly old fashioned, but I don’t think tights are fancy evening attire. I’d do sheer black hose.

       1. Agree. Sheer black hose all the way.

       2. That was my initial thought too, but I wasn’t sure if that was my east coast, came of age in the 90’s upbringing that was talking. Ie, I’m just too old (and don’t go out enough) to know what’s appropriate.

    2. Sheer black hose or bare legs.

       1. +1. I would do bare legs unless it is below freezing.

          1. Forecast is for mid 30s this weekend

13. Found out an ex recently proposed to his current girlfriend (the one he started dating just after me, I think). Shouldn’t matter to me, since we broke up years ago, but I he was my first long-term relationship and I haven’t seriously dated since then. So, I’m feeling pathetic about feeling pathetic, I guess.

    I generally love my life (good job, good apartment, great girl friends, lots of time to do things *I* like), and it wouldn’t not have worked out between us (nice guy, but there was a reason we broke up), but it put a bit of a hitch in my step.

    1. Sorry to hear that. I can totally relate. It sounds like you have a good perspective about it (knowing it wouldn’t have worked out anyway), but something like that still stings. Allow yourself to feel sad and take good care of yourself in whatever ways work for you (a good workout, manicure, favorite book or TV show, chat with a dear friend, etc.).

    2. My first-ever seriously, real, in-love boyfriend was a senior I started dating when I was a freshman in high school. He was a really honestly incredibly sweet guy (I was his first gf and we didn’t feel ready to be intimate, so it wasn’t a creepy older guy pressuring a younger girl for s*x situation). Of course, we stayed together when he went to college (of course!) and of course, within a few months, he met someone else and broke up with me. Reader, he married her four years later, and even though I was basically an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON by that point, given that I was (i) no longer 15 and (ii) actually in college myself and dating someone very seriously, I totally had some very melancholy moments about it (okay, maybe there was a bit of a shower cry).

       It’s okay to feel sad about stuff like this, even when you know it isn’t rational.

    3. Yes, it is completely okay to feel that way. You can’t much help how you feel, only how you behave.

       On the flip side, my “might have gotten married” ex and I are both single-never-married 15+ years later, and while I don’t wish we’d gotten married (anymore), I feel terrible that our relationship, the nature of our breakup, and our inability to reconcile despite attempts (and even outside intervention) seems to have made it difficult for both of us to move on.

    4. My first love, whom I was in a long relationship with and almost married got married a few months ago to the girl he met after me. This relationship was years ago and I’m getting married myself to someone who’s incredible and actually compatible with me, but it brought up some weird feelings for me. I love my life now, and I know I would have been miserable if I had chose to make a life with him, so I’m not really sure why I felt the way I did about it.

       What you’re feeling is totally normal. Also I try to keep in mind that things are not always what they seem on the outside, and people do things (like get married) for all sorts of reasons and under all sorts of circumstances. For reasons I’d rather not reveal, I don’t think any self-possessed woman would want the relationship that my ex and his wife have, or the circumstances that surround the marriage. Even knowing what I know, I still feel pathetic about it, so that’s normal. I’m also saying that there’s probably a lot more that you don’t know about him, their relationship, etc, that would make you feel a lot less pathetic and more awesome. That’s probably true even if there isn’t some huge deep dark secret involved.

    5. Don’t feel bad. I found out my ex from HS is having a baby with his new wife and it totally ruined my day. And I’ve been married for nearly a decade and have 2 wonderful kids and know that I wouldn’t have been happy with the ex anyway. Shouldn’t all of our ex bfs pine away for us for the rest of their lives? haha.

    6. I had a similar weird or melancholy feeling when my ex got married. I was already in a serious relationship with someone else, and my ex and I broke up for good reasons (even though he’s a decent guy, we weren’t right for each other), but it still had me feeling odd for a few days when I found out.

       Hopefully, your feelings won’t last too long.

    7. Well mine sent me an e-mail telling me he had slept with more men than women last year. That being said even if I found out he was engaged to a man, I would still feel the exact.same.way. as you do. It makes me feel crazy to say (type) that out. Not sure if that helps but, it’s true.

       1. FWIW, I have experience with a similar situation (not the email bit, but the rest of it), and please don’t feel crazy. Lots of people think that everything is magically okay if a break-up is related to one partner coming to terms with s*xuality issues or if an ex later comes out. And there’s pressure to be happy for the ex that has come out, and pressure not to admit that a person that is on a real and necessary journey can still unnecessarily hurt people along the way. It’s a complicated situation and you just have to accept all the messy ways you feel about it.

    8. Not pathetic at all. I felt the same when my ex got married and shortly after, they had a baby. Particularly tough if you aren’t in a relationship yourself and not likely to be in one (live in a terrible city for dating over 30).

14. I like this pic, particularly the detail at the waist and the SLEEVES! I know some people here read Belle over at CHS as well. What did you all think about the reasoning given for designers not putting sleeves on dresses?

    1. I meant to say the reasoning designers gave Wall Street Journal article, “How Dresses Lost Their Sleeves.”

    2. I don’t buy it. If sleeves posed a “design challenge” in terms of look of the dress, then why do so many of the British designers have sleeves on like half their dresses? (Seriously, if you want sleeves, check Boden, Reiss, and LK Bennett). I assume it’s mainly a cost issue-they take more fabric and are trickier to sew. But if Boden’s dresses fit me in the hips, I’d buy every remotely work appropriate dress they have with sleeves.

       Speaking of Boden dresses with sleeves, does anyone have the Westminster Dress? Thoughts on fit relative to their more pencil-skirt like dresses/work appropriateness? (I’ll link below)

       1. http://www.bodenusa.com/en-US/Womens-Dresses/Work/BQ040/Womens-Westminster-Dress.html

       2. If you do get it, can you report back? I have my eye on it for the sale.

          I have the Chancery dress which is more flared but otherwise similar, and it was totally appropriate for my office (although mine is too long, so I need to get it hemmed – ordered the Long which would be right with heels but is too long with flats as it reaches the bottom of my knees and looks a little odd).

    3. I hate dresses without sleeves — cardigans and blazers never look quite right over them. I’ve been using the search function on some websites (Nordstrom, Zappos, etc.) that allow you to search by sleeve length. So while the options still aren’t great, at least I’m not sucked into buying another “cute” sleeveless dress. I hold out for good, albeit sometimes expensive, sleeved ones instead!

    4. I tend to disbelieve the reasoning given in the article, as well, and agree with Gail the Goldfish about it being cheaper to make and sell dresses without sleeves. I wouldn’t mind it so much but sleeveless dresses are difficult for me to style under cardigans or blazers, particular if there is any type of detailing at the neckline or waist. It just never looks good to me, though I have seen plenty other women pull off the look.

15. Is this still a thing you cannot do? I almost always wear basic black dresses to weddings (sometimes with interesting details like lace panels or cool structural details), but I had lunch with a friend last week who said that while it might be a dated rule, she still follows it and would never wear black to a wedding.

    Have I been inadvertently offending people for years without knowing it, or is this rule out of date?

    1. I think it’s regional. I understand that New Yorkers frequently wear black cocktail dresses to weddings, but you would never see that in Atlanta

       1. I’ve been seeing it even at Southern weddings lately, if they’re in the evening and the dress is sufficiently cocktail-esque. I still won’t wear black to weddings, though, but that’s partly because I just like an excuse to wear colorful dresses since my work wardrobe is mainly dark colors.

       2. Doesn’t sound like you’ve attended many Atlanta weddings…black dresses dominate!

    2. Eh, the last wedding I went to, I wore all black, but it was definitely a c**ktail dress, not at all the kind of dress I would wear to a funeral. I think that’s the important distinction to make – would you wear this dress to a funeral?

       I’m in Pittsburgh if that makes a difference.

       1. Woo Pittsburgh! I find that a lot of people here don’t exactly know or care about the finer points of etiquette anyway, or maybe it’s just my extremely blue collar upbringing? My sister lives in New England and she is shocked what people get upset about up there.

    3. I wouldn’t wear an entirely black dress to a wedding, but I would wear a predominantly black dress to an evening wedding.

       That said, black isn’t great on me and the majority of my c-tail dresses are navy, green, or red.

    4. I wish this were still a thing, but I have seen a large percentage of black dresses at every wedding I’ve attended (across the country, and, FWIW, most of my friends were raised in the South or attended college there). I still won’t wear black, white, or red to weddings personally, but I’m considerably less offended than I used to be when I see red or black. White is still totally inappropriate.

       1. Red? What’s wrong with red at a wedding?

          1. Because red is an attention-getting, s e x y color, and you’re drawing attention away from the bride.

          2. It’s also the color the bride traditionally wears in Indian and Chinese weddings, so if the bride or groom is Indian or Chinese, I’d avoid even if it’s not a traditional Chinese/Indian ceremony, lest you offend someone (like older generation guests).

    5. It’s a hokey rule. If someone is offended because a black cocktail dress isn’t “festive” enough for their taste, they need a hobby.

    6. I know an older woman who thinks wearing black at festive events is a way to curse the event, like the evil witch at Sleeping Beauty’s baby naming or whatever.

       If get people get divorced… it’s not because of who wore black at their wedding.

    7. I always thought you couldn’t wear red to a wedding. I feel like everyone wears black and I wear a color (not red) and then I feel like I am standing out.

    8. I’m from the Northeast and wear black to weddings on the reg. My mom wore black to my wedding (and no, she does not hate my husband or anything!). It was a chic, lace MOB dress, she felt great in it so I said go for it. Nobody blinked an eye.

16. Just venting:
    Terrible day, with a to-do list a mile long, deadlines that I’m already late on, IT issues I have no control over, and I keep discovering issues that lead me down a rabbit hole and make me further behind. I’m leaving early for dinner with my Dad who is in from out of town, and it all feels insurmountable right now.

    1. I’m sorry. I’m having a terrible day too :( I hope yours gets better.

    2. Sympathizing with your vent, so sorry you’re going through that! It’s awful, I know, but just hang in there and remember the day (or week, or however long you have to tough it out) will eventually be over, and you will have survived despite it all.

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