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For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.
Jones New York is having a pretty great suiting sale right now: create your own two piece suit for $99. There are a ton of nice blazers marked down to $59 (lots of my previous picks still available). For today's suit of the week I'm liking this birdseye pattern — it's slightly different than a black or a gray suit, but just as wearable. The blazer (Emma Birdseye Seasonless Stretch Blazer) was $139, but is now $59; the skirt (Lucy Slim Skirt in Birdseye Seasonless Stretch) was $79, but is now marked to $39, and the pants (Sydney Birdseye Seasonless Stretch Slim-Leg Pants) were $99, but are now $99. All pieces come in sizes 2-16, as well as plus sizes; there seem to be a few other pieces in birdseye in lucky sizes.
Psst: along the lines of other big sales, there are a few hours left in Talbots' big cashmere sale — all cashmere sweaters are $54.99 with code TREAT24. This includes reader favorite, the Audrey sweater. Sizing for regular, plus, petites, and plus-size petites. Also, the Loft sale has hit 75% off, bringing prices down to $15-$20 (including their popular waterfall cardigan).
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Mischief Managed
I’ve never bought a suit from Jones New York. How do the sizes run compared to BR or J.Crew?
Blonde Lawyer
They don’t run quite as big. The blazers are more generous in the chest. The dresses are less generous in the armpit area that big boobed people have issues with. At BR, I’m an 8 jacket, 4 dress, 4/6 pant. At JNY I’m a solid 6 though I have pulled off a 4 or two in their dresses. I did have to have the armpit hole enlarged on one or two but those were 6’s. Granted, I bought those a few years ago. My most recent JNY 6 dress is huge in the hips. I was hoping that was a one off and not a new trend there.
Anonymous
Really? I find Jones NY runs huge and super boxy. I’m a solid 8 in most mall brands, 10 in anything “designer”-ish and in JNY a 6 is roomy on me.
Bonnie
If you’re buying this suit, sign up for their free loyalty program and you’ll get an additional discount plus free shipping and free returns.
RR
I don’t have this suit, but I have seen it in person on a plus size friend of mine, and it looks fabulous. So, a plug for it being flattering on different shapes.
Ellen
Yay! I am a big fan of JONES NEW YORK, ever since college! But now I can NOT buy the slack’s. The manageing partner will approve my purchase, but ONLEY with the skirt!
OMG, The manageing partner’s brother came over knockeing on my apartement door last night weareing ONLEY a towel, and he said that a woman he was entertaining pushed him out the door after he had showered. She was in his apartement, and he had to find a place to cover up and call the building superientenent to come up with a key. He think’s she was being funny, but he also had to check his belonging’s b/c she left before the superintentent came up with the key. He was VERY embarased, and he was wet and NAKED execpt for the towel. He said they were “dateing”, but I think that she was just one of the women he bring’s in there for sex. FOOEY on men that do this. In some way, I think he got what he deserved! YAY!
Now I would NEVER date him, b/c who know’s where else his winkie has been? DOUBEL FOOEY!
LilyStudent
I have a BR blazer with similar waist detailing and I can vouch for it looking good. I like it for being feminine but not too feminine.
Meg Murry
I just went crazy on this sale – hopefully at least one of the suits I ordered will work for me, and I’ll suck up the $7.50 return shipping cost just to not have to go to a store with limited (or no) plus sizes in stock.
Any other suggestions for a good deal to try on suits for plus size? I need a new interview suit – but I pretty much ONLY need it for an interview, so I hate to drop a ton of money on it, but I’m willing to buy a new one so I don’t feel like I’m about to bust out of my old suit at the seams during the interview.
For a casual field where no one ever wears suits except at an interview (jeans are ok in the office, khakis are pretty much the standard highest level of formality), would you be ok interviewing someone in separates (ex – charcoal pants and black blazer) instead of head to toe matching suit? Or would you mentally ding them?
Julia
My industry is retail, so suits are ok but I wouldn’t ding anyone wearing a jacket and slacks, as long as they were neat and coordinated. I think for an industry where people never wear suits, you’d be fine! Another option for plus size suiting is talbots, you might hv to order on line. Some of the lager stores carry plus but they dont usually have suiting.
Jen2
Same type of casual dress at my job and separates would be fine . I did however find a decent suit at Macys – Calvin Klein every day value- because I wanted a suit just in case- no idea about plus sizes though… My thoughts would be if your separates look sharper, go with that!
hoola hoopa
Similar attire at my office. Suit or suit separates are completely fine. Charcoal pants and black blazer would be considered looking sharp and on-key.
Parfait
I went for it too. I had a 20% off coupon in my email to boot. I haven’t owned a suit in almost 10 years thanks to working in tech in southern California, but you never know when an interview or funeral might come around.
Whole30 q
Q for anyone who’s done the Whole30 program. How did you handle the “reintroduction” phase?
I’ll finish my Whole30 at the end of this month and after such an extreme program, would like to take advantage of the opportunity to see if dairy, grains irritate my system. But I’m also scheduled to be on work travel in a location known for great food/beer/etc. would love any tips or thoughts anyone might have!! Thanks!
"Allergies" PSA
When I asked my trainer this several years ago, the response “What adding back? This is the way you eat now. But have a glass of wine every now and then because that will make it tolerable.” Over the years, I have slowly added back first legumes, then quinoa. Very, Very rarely some cheese and bread. The wine really did make it tolerable, until I (separately) determined that I am allergic to alcohol and stopped all drinking. Which, naturally, means that I can eat as much chocolate as I like — plain dark.
mascot
I haven’t done Whole30, but did do WholeLifeChallenge and cut out dairy, legumes, grains, beer. In the middle of the 3 month program, I used a few cheat days because I was also in a foodie city. I didn’t see any immediate ill effects, but I also tried to be judicious about not having huge amounts of any one thing. Only ate bread once a day, didn’t guzzle gallons of milk, etc. Then back to clean eating. At the end of 3 months, I didn’t have any issues bringing foods back into my diet. But, I did adjust my eating some as a result of what I learned: must have protein for breakfast, prefer high fat dairy to low fat, watch hidden sugars and soy, minimize processed foods. I don’t think I have any real food sensitivities or allergies.
BankrAtty
I didn’t do a reintroduction, so much as I kept doing Whole30 about 80% of the time. I struggle a bit with “all or nothing” thinking when it comes to food, so I’m still working on finding balance. I try to completely avoid grains, dairy, and alcohol M-F. But, if I have an event on a Wednesday night and drinking would make it more tolerable or not having a glass of wine would make me feel sorry for myself, I drink a glass of wine. I eat a little bit of dark chocolate most days. On the weekends, I am more relaxed about alcohol, but still try to avoid grains as much as I can (which isn’t to say that I don’t occasionally indulge in a chocolate croissant). Despite my more relaxed approach, I’ve managed to keep off (most of) the weight I dropped doing Whole30. I’ve decided life is too short not to enjoy an occasional delicious beer in the sunshine or eat a hamburger, bun and all, when I’m really craving one.
Anon in NYC
On a related point – how did those of you who have done Whole30 find the program? On paper it seems really hard (and a bit extreme for those of us without food allergies).
Sparrow
I trie it, but only lasted about a week. The hardest part for me was the amount of cooking and meal planning involved. I usually just plan dinners for me and my husband for the work week. It was overwhelming trying to plan 3 meals a day for 30 days. I don’t care much for cooking and grocery shopping so that didn’t really help. having said that, I’ve tried to incorporate some of the ideas to make more of a lifestyle change – like reducing the amount of carbs aand eating more protein.
Duchess
You might like the 21 day fix if you were doing Whole30 for weight loss. I was super skeptical at first, but it really stresses portion control and limiting carbs, but making sure you have enough veggies and protein. I’ve done two rounds of it now, but try to generally follow the rest of the time — I just allow myself wine and diet coke then…
ace
I’m doing 21 Day Fix now & agree it’s a good middle ground, high protein/low carb diet — while still giving you nice weight loss results if you’re pretty strict.
Be Healthy
I did the Whole30 and adhered to it 95% of the time (I had a couple of work events with catered food, so I tried to make the most compliant choice, but still). I’m generally eat pretty clean, and I exercise regularly, and I found that during the first week of Whole30, my macros were WAY off. I lost about 3 lbs., but my body fat percentage went way up. I finally figured out that I wasn’t getting enough fat, so once I started adding more fat to each meal, things evened out. I actually found the Clutch Cut program to be more successful for leaning down (you can find a ton of awesome programs on bodybuilding dot com, don’t be intimidated by the name!). The macros are already calibrated, so I got enough fat and carbs to balance out my protein intake. I’ve also found that eating clean and not drinking M-F and being a bit more free on the weekends is a good balance. For meal prep, I usually make a big batch of something on Saturday and another batch of something on Sunday to allow me to have leftovers through the week.
Ginjury
Before starting my Whole30, it did seem really hard and most likely impossible, but I gave myself a couple weeks to really prepare for it (both mentally and grocery-wise) and I think that really helped. I agree with Sparrow that it requires a ton of planning and prep work, but it’s a lot easier if you develop a few super simple meals to throw together. The Clothes Make the Girl has a really great post about doing a weekly cookup and really getting into a routine with that. A typical day for me was something like this:
Meal 1: 2-3 eggs (poached or over hard) with 2 strips sugar/nitrate/ite free bacon, roasted green beans, and a small sweet potato with ghee or coconut oil (everything except the eggs are precooked)
Meal 2: baked chicken thighs, brussel sprouts, butternut squash, and a handful of olives
Meal 3: recipe from Well Fed or steak with roasted broccoli and cauliflower, an apple and almond butter
It actually gets pretty easy if you’re comfortable eating the same things almost every day.
BankrAtty
I did meal planning every Sunday, and did most of the cooking that day as well. Cooking enough food for two people, for a full week of meals, is no small task. I would generally: roast a bunch of vegetables, cook a big pot/crockpot of “something” (soup, stew), boil a bunch of eggs, and prepare a simple protein (burger, pork loin, skirt steak).
Ginjury
Based on what I’ve read on the forums, you should be fine taking a short break for you work trip (while remaining as compliant as possible without feeling deprived) and then jump right back on Whole30 the second you get home for 1 or 2 weeks before doing your reintro. The goal is to have your body in the best place possible before you reintroduce foods that may cause problems.
I strongly suggest that you have everything you’ll need when you get back home so that you can get right into it and not second guess or postpone it. I skipped reintros with the plan of taking off a week to eat the Christmas/New Year’s goodies and then doing a Whole14 before my reintro and I’m still not eating clean 3 weeks later. It’s a very slippery slope.
Mavatx
Anyone have a yoga mat they love? Why do you love it? There are so many choices and I am at a loss. My last one was a cheap one from TJM and it was destroyed by getting caught in my car door. I could use a little cushioning for wrist issues, and preferably low chemical/smell. Thanks!
Zelda
Tag for answers! Also, is a more expensive yoga mat worth it? Why?
Wildkitten
http://thewirecutter.com/reviews/best-yoga-mat/
nutella
I bought an “extra thick” (1/2″) yoga mat from amazon for knee issues and love it. It came with an initial chemical smell but wiping it down with vinegar and letting it air out for a couple days and I’ve had no problems since. It rolls up huge, though!
Anonymous
I think we have the same yoga mat :) It stunk so much when I got it.
Anonymous
Lululemon The Mat – I love it! Nice and cushy and not slippery.
Anonymous
Manduka mats are expensive but SO worth it. I think I have 3, and I love every single one. The Manduka pro is thickest, so it would be best for you probably. I usually use my manduka prolite.
Diana Barry
Manduka. Not cheap but lasts forever, and is much thicker than regular.
anon
I have a Harmony-model mat from Jade Yoga. Going on 6 years of regular use (typically 1-4x a week for the first 5 years). Only downside is that it’s maybe not as sticky now as I’d like – it seems to migrate across wooden floors (cleaning it doesn’t seem to help). It’s a little thicker than some of the $20-30 mats but not as thick as a Manduka. I chose it because it’s natural rubber so I have hope that it might biodegrade some day.
Anon
I have a Manduka Pro Lite, long, that I got very cheap on Sierra Trading Post. If you are looking for something thicker, the black Manduka mat is the best. I used to have a Jade but it got weird on the bottom and wouldn’t stick to the floor – though that may have been from my gym’s floor, I’m not sure. You should also ask your yoga teacher about your wrist issues. They may be able to advise you – for example, if downward dog irritates your wrists, you may want to make sure that you are pressing through all four corners of your hand, especially the pad under your index finger.
Anonymous
I just bought a Jade Harmony mat and I love, love, love it. It truly is non slip and I sweat a lot. Its comfortable, but firm. I’ve used it for about 10 classes so far and its great. Its a good size and it comes in cool colors.
BMBG
If you want cushioning, Manduka Black Mat Pro, no question. Just beware that they take awhile to break in; follow Manduka’s instructions for ways to break in your mat and use a hand towel to avoid slipping in the meantime.
Anonymous
I bought an extra-thick Gaiam mat at Target that I’m very happy with. I’ve used it for about a year and it’s still extra-squishy and grippy.
OttLobbyist
Love the JNY suits. I would say the sizing is a bit more generous/curve accommodating than BR. They wear like iron.
Blonde Lawyer
I just wrote the exact opposite LOL. Maybe it depends on where your curves are.
CKB
I bought an interview suit at JNY just a few months ago. I’m a pear with broad shoulders and found the skirt to accommodate my lower body curves wonderfully, and the jacket fit pretty well too. I bought a 6 in the jacket and a 10 in the skirt. I’m normally a 10 in pants and a medium in tops.
Lynnet
Ok, so if all curves are on the lower half of my body and the top half is rather curveless–JNY good or bad?
Jen2
No experience with their dresses or jackets but I really like their Sloane fit pants, nice trouser fit for pear shapes in my opinion. Ran true to my size compared to most other brands
Jules
I tend to think JNY would be good for that shape. I can’t speak to the suits, but I have several JNY faux wrap cap sleeve dresses. (BTW, they are my favorites; I live in them in all but the coldest months, with cardigan or jacket; they are presentable enough that I can take off the jacket even in a hearing if it gets too hot.) I’m a busty/hour-glassy 12-14 but have to buy XL in the dresses to accommodate the b**bs, and then I take in the mid-section and hips.
anonymous
I’m going to have to try this suit, I think.
anonymous
Have any hourglassy ladies found skirts that do not require taking in the waist? I would love to find stuff that I can wear off the rack…
LilyStudent
Nope, but if you do find one let me know. 12 inch difference between waist and hips…
fellow pear
I work at a very conservative workplace and only really buy pencil skirts on Etsy since there are so many timeless and perfect-condition vintage wool ones on there and sellers are really good about listing the actual measurements. Try searching with your waist measurement (e.g. “pencil skirt 27”). As an added bonus they are often a great value compared to what you can buy at a store now.
anonymous
I never would have thought of that. Thank you!
In the Pink
As an even more extreme hourglass than you, I have to say everything I buy has to be taken in at the waist…jackets, skirts, and nearly all dresses. SEems to be yet another problem with our shape…the first being the dominance of clothing designed for those with straight figures. The dresses at Boden seem to do better, though, than any others at having minimal tailoring if I choose correctly = set in waistband, flare/full skirt.
Hang in there; my seamstress is my best companion in my closet. I typically factor in her costs when considering a purchase. Thus, I NEVER pay full price.
Once Thrifted
This is a beautiful suit! I have been so disconnected lately–sick kids, sick me, too much work. Poking my head above water for just a moment. I feel so overwhelmed with everything!
lawsuited
I hope it gets better for you soon!
anonymous
How do you deal with hurtful comments from family members? I have had a very difficult time over the past two years on the financial, career and personal life fronts, which has really taken a toll on my mental health and to a certain extent physical health too. I was on the phone with my brother trying to explain things and he went on a rant about how tough life is and “you just need to be strong”, life will not do you any favors. My family lives overseas and when I tried to explain that challenges can be harder to face when you are far away from home etc. He basically called it an “excuse” and I found myself unable to speak. He is much younger than me, mid twenties and lives at home and he does work. This has happened before and I am starting to wonder if this is something he does to other people as well. It was very hurtful, almost like someone putting you down without a willingness to understand the experience you are trying to communicate to them.
anonymous
That’s rough, I’m sorry. When I’m dealing with hurtful behavior from a family member, which unfortunately is very often, two things stand out. First, how important is it to me to maintain the relationship- specifically how important is it that I feel that I can speak openly with this person and share my vulnerabilities with them? Second, to what extent is it within his capacity (or willingness) to understand? Some people are just never going to get it/ never going to be able to give you what you need, and others just require persistence. I think if it’s important to you that you can share these things with him and you believe he could come around, I’d probably try to explain to him why you found it hurtful. Chances are he didn’t mean to hurt you and may not have known how to respond well, or may not have even been aware that you needed something from him.
Alternatively, you could just keep your relationship on a different level- still loving and warm but just not one that requires sharing things on this level. I have found that a lot of my frustrations with family members came from me wanting them to be in the former category and not really willing to accept that the most realistic and healthy outcome is to not expect that kind of relationship. Maybe this isn’t the case with your brother, but definitely be cognizant of others’ limitations.
Anon in NYC
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. I agree with all of this. I have found that it is easier for me to adjust my expectations with certain family members than to try to get them to be the person I want them to be. This may mean that I don’t have a close (or as close) relationship with some of them, and that’s unfortunate. But if it is better for my sanity, then that is what I do.
Wildkitten
I do this too. Also with a 20-something you may just need to wait him out a few years before he’s ready to be a supportive adult sibling.
In the Pink
This. I have reduced my “sharing” to a mere minimum and sometimes even just “fine” as a response. There’s no use opening myself up to painful emotions. The family is what/who they are, they aren’t going to change, and there’s nothing I can do to help them understand, appreciate, or even accept me and my reality. It’s sad, but true. I’ve come to have a tight, small circle of close friends and their families see me as “family” which is something I enjoy – it requires trust to let people in, when the biological family is harsh, but it’s worth the risk! IMO
I hope your situation turns out much better!
Apples
Sorry to hear you are going through a hard time. It is frustrating when the people we just want to listen and commiserate dismiss our problems. I think I would say something like “When I am telling you my frustrations, I just need you to listen so I can vent, rather than suggesting I need to buck up.”
Maybe he said wasn’t to be hurtful, but could come from a perspective that “men don’t show emotion,” and that everyone just needs to be tough and knuckle through, so he avoids your feelings and comes across as uncaring or hurtful. Maybe thinking of it in these terms will help his comments not hurt so much. Hugs to you.
Away Game
If a family member makes a hurtful comment to me, I call them out on it immediately, in clear terms. ESPECIALLY when it’s one of my brothers, who generally don’t do it spitefully, and mostly out of ignorance. (Sometimes because I haven’t flagged I’m not looking for advice, just venting. Soooo…perhaps first make sure in your head and when you talk to him that he wasn’t “trying to be helpful” with that kind of “just buck up!” advice.) If he tries it again, tell him he gets to give you advice on how to handle life challenges once he’s on his own and responsible for his own rent/food/laundry/commute/finding a new mechanic, etc. Until he is independent -and he is not if he’s living at home – he doesn’t get to grouse. But again, make sure he wasn’t just being clueless in an attempt to make you feel better or tell you how to fix things. I have to clarify with my husband, too – just venting, I know what the solution is or that there isn’t one or I’m not interested in anything but my own annoyance for the moment.
loft pants
Does anyone know what the inseam is for the Loft petite pants? The regular says 33″ and the size chart doesn’t list petite inseams.
Apples
30″ – it’s in the item description instead of the size chart
Uninvited Guest Vent
Can I please vent for a minute?
My cousin’s husband messaged me yesterday that he is coming from India and will stay at our house till he finds a job which can take a couple of months or more. He is the most obnoxious person I know and he has no respect for us. He is a rich man and can sustain living without salary for a couple of months easily. He is not new to this country either, he has worked for ten years here before before going back to India last year and has friends. We were tired of him when he and my cousin were here and they stayed very close to our house. He used to command us to do the things he wanted us to do (like lend him $1000 now and then, pick up his in laws and parents from airport which is two hours drive one way because he doesn’t want to take time off from his work and he would never consider that we had to take time off from work to do what he was asking us to do, order me to cook something else for him when we invited them for dinner because there were less items or he didn’t like what we prepared etc etc). He didn’t even bother to tell us when he left to India last time. He never contacts us or keeps in touch with us other than the times he needs something from us.
Both me and my husband were terrified when we saw the message. Again, it is not a request. It was just for our information that he will stay with us till he finds a job. I replied back that we will not be able to accommodate him. He should find alternate place. I was feeling sick the whole of yesterday. I am still disturbed by the entire thing :-(
ITDS
When is he arriving? Can you disappear that week? Even go stay in a cheap motel and carry on your normal lives, so when he arrives there’s no one home and he’ll have to figure out other accommodations? If you really want to burn bridges, don’t forget that you can always call the police for assistance in removing unwanted trespassers from your property.
Pink
I kinda love this.
Anon
That’s awful. Good for you on putting your foot down.
Sydney Bristow
Good for out turning him down!
mascot
Repeat your message as necessary. Does he have a key? Can he access your house on his own? Is he just going to show up on your doorstep with his luggage? Offer him a list of hotels and call him a cab. Be polite, but firm. If you give just a little, my sense is that he will bully you into giving more since he has done so in the past.
I acknowledge that there may be some cultural/family pressures at play. But, you also have a right to decide who stays in your house.
Senior Attorney
Gah. He sounds like a nightmare.
Stick to your guns and don’t let him in the house!
Lorelai Gilmore
He sounds awful. You both should feel entirely comfortable in setting a boundary and enforcing it. Practice it with each other! For example, “How wonderful that you’re going to be here. We will not be able to host you. Here is the phone number of a good hotel.”
He will push back. He will say “No, I’m family” and “how can you be so awful” and “you have no respect for your relatives” and a million other hurtful things. You just stick to your boundaries and say “We will not be able to host you” or “This is what we are serving for dinner. I will not make anything else.” or “Sorry, we can’t lend you $1000.” Then cut it off. Hang up the phone. Physically leave the room. And for that matter, I wouldn’t let this guy into your house. Change the locks if you have to!
And truly, this guy sounds abusive and controlling and awful. Just say no. What’s the worst that could happen – he stops speaking to you? That sounds like it would be a blessing. Just cut him off.
Good luck.
2 Cents
I was just going to say the same thing about changing the locks!
You can’t make him respect you, and he doesn’t respect your boundaries. If that means closing off your house, then so be it. You must respect yourself.
Uninvited Guest Vent
He doesn’t have the key to the house. The expectation is that we will pick him up from the airport, allow him to stay him in our guest room, make sure he is comfortable, cook for him, lend our cars when he has interviews (we cannot live without our cars, we live in suburbs and have zero public transportation) etc.
My husband and me decided that it is okay if he gets offended and doesn’t want to talk to us. I spoke to my mother about this last night and she was beyond shocked and she completely supported us not hosting him. I will be known among my father’s side relatives as a horrible person who didn’t host a jobless relative trying to get a job. My aunt will be furious and she may stop talking to me as well. But whatever is the cost, I cannot imagine having this person at our house indefinitely.
Anon in NYC
You are doing the right thing!
Lorelai Gilmore
Good work! He sounds like a terrible person and you are better off without him. I might seriously consider converting your guest room into an exercise studio or something as well :)
Pink
Wow. Please put your foot down, but I”m with you on how difficult it can be.
I also have similar relatives, perhaps not quite as extreme, but along the line of:
From my aunt via text message in December : “your 22 year old cousin is coming to stay with you in January”
2 weeks later from my 22 year old cousin: “hi, I arrive Jan __”
3 days later: “I arrive NYC, for one week, then Boston for four days, then NYC for another week”
I also had to inform him that 2 weeks is way too long for someone in Biglaw, who last hung out with said 22 year old when he was 13 and I was 23 and he crashed with his mom and brother at my parents house on my winter break in law school.
The latest text from my aunt: “I promised [22 year old’s younger brother] that I will send him to NYC in two years [when he’s out of the military].”
Killer Kitten Heels
Anyone who would encourage you to enable someone this outrageously rude is someone you don’t need in your life. Seriously. I know it can be really hard to be the first person to break the “family pattern” of enduring a$$hats like this guy, but you are going to find it so, so liberating, I promise.
anon for this
I am indian. I get the family pressure. But I think you are right. You never should have put up with his BS earlier either.
anonymous
Also indian, and I totally agree. I do appreciate how hard it is to resist the family pressure, though. Good for you.
Anon2
The only response to someone like him is a firm no. Good work, and stick to your guns!
Monte
Not Indian, but I understand the same familial pressure in the African family context. Do what you have to do for your family. Yes, there may be the expectation that you take family in, but real family recognizes that one should be gracious and helpful and appreciative. This guy doesn’t have that track record, so upending your life for him doesn’t make sense. Stay strong.
Houda
Moroccan here and I know first hand the family pressure but this is a no go.
I have set boundaries for my place, I even refused to give my address to some family members and if anyone in my family dares share my address, they will face the mortification of having the sweet Houda not open the door.
I was never able to say NO but there comes a time to stand up for yourself. My apartment is the only thing I have going on for myself so no way I will have people trash it (though my sister is enough).
Wildkitten
A work colleague I am friendly with but not friends with got engaged. Is there an appropriate way to acknowledge that? A small gift? If we were friends I’d definitely get her a gift and I’d like to do something nice.
Maddie Ross
This definitely does not sound like the type of situation that calls for a gift. Maybe a lunch invite or a drink at a happy hour, but not a gift. I think a gift would be overkill.
Anonymous
+1
She’s about to get gifts for the upcoming engagement party, bridal shower, bridal luncheon, bachelorette party, wedding, baby shower, gender reveal party, etc. etc. so I agree, a gift here just seems like overkill.
Anon
As someone who is recently engaged and who is friendly (but not outside-of-work friends) with my coworkers, i think a sincere Congratulations!!! is perfect.
Must be Tuesday
Yep, this.
Sydney Bristow
Yup. When I got engaged the sincere congratulations was perfect.
Wildkitten
Thanks! Done!
2 Cents
This! And if you can stand it, maybe a moment or two of listening to how the proposal happened and if she already has wedding plans. I remember feeling like I was bursting with this info, but also didn’t want to inflict the treacly story on everyone who congratulated me.
Anonymous
“Best Wishes!” is the appropriate response. She didn’t win a prize or accomplish something. Traditionally men are told “Congratulations!,” but I think that makes it seem, again, like they won a prize horse or something.
ACD
There was a really interesting conversation about this on the Awesome Etiquette podcast that two of the Post grandchildren host. Even they said it was basically sexist nonsense. And apparently, wedding-time dichotomy aside, “Congratulations” was reserved for women only upon pregnancy.
Anonymous
I think a card with a brief handwritten message is really nice. It is a bit more than just a simple “Congratulations” (which she will get from everyone), but isn’t the same level as a gift so you don’t have to worry you’re doing anything over the top. A few colleagues that I’m friendly-but-not-friends with did that for me when I got engaged and I was really touched.
anon
I LOVE this suit but a 32″ inseam would look ridiculous on me! Where do you long-legged ladies find your suiting? I actually prefer pants to skirts but have very little luck finding 34-36″ inseams.
LilyStudent
I’m relatively long-legged and just don’t wear heels. I don’t know if that’s an option for you, but for me it makes the difference between being able to buy the ‘long’ length trousers in store and wear them and not being able to buy trousers at all.
Wildkitten
Except for jeans, I only wear skirts.
L in DC
Banana Republic and J. Crew both have tall suiting that is pretty fantastic.
Mpls
+1 – Jcrew longs (online only) are a 36″ inseam.
Anonattorney
I can only buy from brands with tall sizes. It sucks. Long Tall Sally also has some good stuff – but that’s only if you are actually a tall person — not just a person with longer-than-normal legs. I’m 6’0″ and LTS stuff sometimes makes me feel a bit too small.
Anonymous
Limited has long sizes in dress pants (I think they’re 35″ inseam?) but I’m really annoyed at that store right now because 1) I placed a huge order, they emailed me that it shipped and then several weeks later when I never got it & asked about it they said “oops. we left in the warehouse. everything is now out of stock.” and 2) right after that, not one, not two, but THREE items of clothing I have from there ripped. All had been worn less than 5 times. So I’m off the brand right now, but I’m 5’11” and they’ve been my go-to for work clothes for a long time.
BB
Might be too late in the day for this question, but thought I’d try:
What’s the “etiquette” for doing some exploratory interviewing? I’m pretty sure I don’t want to leave my current role for at least another 1-2 years, but am getting some intriguing recruiter offers. Is it fine for me to test the waters a bit even though there’s pretty much no chance I’ll leave? I’m definitely curious as to what else is on offer for me outside of my current company.
Wildkitten
Of course it’s fine. Be nice and say Thank You and don’t waste their time if you decide you’re not interested after you hear a bit more.
Anon2
Informational interviews.
I cold called some people in a related industry, had coffee and just asked about their industry, work, backgrounds, etc. I asked for advice if I wanted to move from my current role into some in their industry. I didn’t ask for a job – it was totally non-threatening (as in I wasn’t looking for anything, ie: a job) and people loved talking about themselves. One year later, almost to the day, one of the people reached out and asked if I was interested in a position at their firm. I wasn’t formally looking at the time, but had just made the mental decision to begin my formal search… timing was perfect, and it’s worked out very well. Now, in my new role, I conduct informational interviews regularly… I totally recommend you do it. It’s good learning, and you never know what will come out of it!
BB
Yeah, I do a lot of these already. They are pretty useful! I was more wondering about actual interviews/applications when your goal is more informational.
Killer Kitten Heels
A friend of mine goes on one or two of these a year, even though she’s not particularly interested in leaving her current position – basically, her mindset is that, since she *might* leave her current position if the new place really knocked her socks off, she’s not unfairly wasting their time, and she pulls out of the process as soon as its clear its not an opportunity she wants to take. She continues to get interviews in her small-ish industry (small enough that a “bad” or “rude” candidate would likely be talked about amongst employers/not asked to future interviews), so it seems like it’s NBD.
ETA: If you’re definitely planning on moving on in a year though, I might avoid interviewing at your most-desirable prospects (unless you’d be willing to join them now) – I could see it being kind of awkward if you turn a place down because of “fit” or something and then find yourself wanting a position with them next year when you’re ready to move on.
lawsuited
I’m not sure from your post if you mean that recruiters are contacting you to fill positions and you want to interview with those employers just to get information, because I don’t think that’s a good idea. If you show up to an interview with an employer who is looking to fill an empty position and say that you’re probably not going to leave your position but wanted some information, they’ll think you’re nuts. If you meant that hearing from recruiters is piquing your interest about your industry generally, then yes, informational interviews are the way to go. I think it’s wise to couch this in terms of networking lunches, coffee, etc. so that it doesn’t look to your employer that you’re interviewing, because that could sour the employment relationship you’re hoping to maintain for the next 1-2 years.
Kate
Score! Thank you, Kat! I hope this suit works.
greeting coworkers outside of work
What is the etiquette for greeting coworkers who you know very well when you see them outside of work? Men have it so easy with the handshake, because the handshake is something they do in their personal lives and their professional lives. For me (and I think many women), handshakes are something that I only do in my professional life or when meeting someone for the first time in my personal life (not as a going forward greeting). I would never dream of greeting, say, my father in law, with a handshake (I would hug and air kiss). If you run into a partner you work with at a bar or restaurant or party, do you handshake? Or just big smile and hello? I tend to do the latter because a handshake seems so unnatural to me in a non-work, non-introduction context.
Must be Tuesday
I generally do handshakes, but that’s my default for pretty much everyone in every situation – meeting new people, greeting old but not-very-close friends, work acquaintances, etc. The only people I hug are close family, really close friends, and people who initiate hugs and/or air kisses with me before I can initiate a handshake (and by now, I know who those few people are who prefer the hug and/or air kiss greeting).
k-padi
Just smile and wave hello from across the room. If you do actually speak to them, introduce the person you are with and let them shake hands. No need for anything more (I am in California, this might be different in other parts of the world).
Anonymous
+1
This is how I handle it when I run into partners from work outside of work. Although, if the firm is getting together for a dinner or a happy hour after work, we’ll hug each other when we say hi and bye- even the older male partners- even though we saw each other 30 mins ago in the office. We’re friendly in general though so it fits with our office culture. The associates hug each other all the time.
AnonLawMom
I’m a hugger if I actually like the person. If not, a handshake is good even outside of the office.
anonymous
If it’s ambiguous I usually let the other person initiate. I smile, say hello, and let them either extend a hand or give me a hug. Generally I want to avoid extending a hand when the person expects a hug, so I just go along with whatever.
Monte
Handshake, absolutely. I hug/kiss/squeeze my loved ones, but not coworkers unless we have a close personal relationship outside of the workplace. Handshakes are perfect for that friendly-but-not-that-friendly crowd. I also do the smile and wave, but that is really for people I want to avoid having to get close enough to shake hands with. Or people whose names I don’t remember.
anonymous
I’ve never given this much thought but I now realize that I tend to smile and say hello too! Sometimes there is a hug–but this is for people I’m friends with or relatively close to. I also handshake if the person extends the hand. And sometimes I am the one doing the extending–I come from a culture where handshakes are common, so again depends on who I am interacting with. I think you should do what comes naturally and feels comfortable to you.